Watch What Crappens - #2362 PumpRules: Douche Summit 2024

Episode Date: March 20, 2024

Jax makes a waxy-faced return to Vanderpump Rules (S11E08) in order to give Sandoval some “tough love” but also to spin off his new show. Plus, thankless assistant Anne cleans up a sticky party. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Watch What Crappens by Ben Mandelker Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the wholesome and lovely Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how are you? Well, hi. How are you, Ben? Doing so well.

Just a lovely, lovely day here in Los Angeles. Very excited. Yeah, it really is in Los Angeles. Very excited. Sure is. Yeah, it really is. It's spring has come. I'm not in Los Angeles, but it's a beautiful day here too in Texas. Well, you can see that the light streaming into my virtual office is just beautiful right now.

And I have to say, we are here to talk some Vanderpump rules. We're gonna have an episode, we're gonna have a recap of the valley up either later today or tomorrow. I don't remember what we decided for our schedule, but it's gonna be a recap of the valley up either later today or tomorrow I don't remember what we decided for our schedule but it's gonna be our recapping the valley this was our semi backdoor pilot episode to the valley this episode was actually called hills and peaks and valleys or something like

that or hills and valleys anyway before we dive into our Vanderpump rules recap just a reminder we are doing Netflix as a joke on May 3rd at the Kukubara Lounge in Hollywood at Hollywood and Highland Come join us there. It's gonna be a really fun intimate show. It'll be a wild night and You got to come join us go to our website to get tickets watch the crap is comm also if you are abroad in Either England or Ireland come see our shows there. We're going to be in London, we're going to be in Dublin, and we're going to be in Birmingham in late May. It's going to be a great time.

So excited to do our first European shows. So go check that out. Go join us also on Patreon, patreon.com slash watch our crappins and you can watch us with crappins on demand and get access to our bonus episode. This week we are talking about Top Chef. The Top Chef premiere. It's not a recap. We're just going to talk about what we lied or we didn't like. Basically we're probably going to weigh in a lot about whether or not the

Christian, the Christian Kish experiment seems like it has promise or not. So we'll probably have a lot of opinions and you know, we do love Top Chef no matter what. So we will talk about it there. But for right now we got got banner pump rules and, um, I was thinking this is a hard, this is probably a hard episode for you, Ronnie, huh? Because, um, a Katie hero episode. I was like Katie versus Sandoval. Who do you pick, Ronnie? Well, Katie hands down.

Well it was a funny week because people have been getting so pissed off at me for being so mean to Katie. You guys, this is like the nicest I've ever been. I've been rooting for Katie this whole year. I don't even understand how I'm so mean. I feel like I've been nice. And so I was ready to come in here and be like, listen, we all have different opinions. I get it. I get if you're mad, you know, you don't have to agree with me, etc. But I'm going to have my opinion, whatever it is. But then it was rough because I was watching this and I'm like, oh my God, Katie's having a great episode. She has a great episode the whole episode. I'm on her side the whole time. And she even in the scene with Lala, she has, I was like, yes, look at all this growth. And then I was like, well, you can't go on there and then just suddenly be

nice after a week that everybody's giving you all this shit because then you're going to seem like a weakling for liking Kate. And then I was like, really? Are you having this conversation with yourself? You're going to force yourself not to like somebody because you're rebelling against somebody who got mad in the comment. Come on, dude. So I've had a lot of conversations with myself. I have to say I'm unstable as ever. That is not, I've learned that about myself. But also, yeah, I mean, listen, Katie had a great episode. I feel like Katie was actually, I feel like she was trolling you, Ronnie,

because I feel like in her scene with Lala at one point, I just knew you were probably feverishly writing down, you know what, Katie's toxic trait is her delivery. And she goes, you know, my toxic trait is my delivery. You're like, ah, Katie! She got me. Yeah, it was funny. But you know, I don't really hate Katie.

I mean, that's not the issue. I just don't agree with her a lot. And like, I don't need to go into a whole diatribe about it. But we've been covering this show 10 years, you know what I mean? I don't hate anybody on these shows. I don't even hate stupid Jax who comes back. I mean, the stuff that Jax fills me, the rage that I'm filled with by the time we finished the Valley recap is insane. And I went on Mary Payne's podcast this week, Pink Shade shade and talked about it and was raging at the end of that. And I still at the end have learned how to be like, you know what?

I'm raging and this is why I love this shit. It makes me feel rage. And this is just part of the fun for me, you know, like, what can I tell you? It's just how I am. My toxic trait is feeling rage. By the way, we have a piece of news that we forgot to mention on a crappy hour. This is my fault. Actually, maybe I saw this piece of news after crappy hour, which, oh, by the way, crappy hour, go listen to it. But Sheena is no longer a resident

of the West Side of Los Angeles. She posted a video on her Instagram. I was like, thanks to roadway movers, like we are officially moving into the valley. We are leaving the west side and roadway movers made it the easiest move we could have ever expected. I was really nervous to have them around my plates, but they packed them up so expertly. I did not even know a move could be this effortless. I was so nervous to have them around summer moon, but thankfully I let him come over anyway and Katie made out with all of them. I mean, not Katie, uh, Tori made out with all of them.

Wow. Plot twists. Plot twists. I know. I was like, wow, Katie really did change over the course of one episode. Um, yeah, you didn't know she was moving to the Val? I was not up to date with that, especially- Weren't you there at the Crappies when I said, congratulations on your new house in the Val? It's 2.4 million, Ben. It's a house in Sherman Oaks. I've seen all the pictures.

Hello. Do you think I was even present for the first half of Sheena's time on our show? I was like, oh my God, Sheena's here. I don't, you know what it is? It's because I made such a thing on this show, probably before the crappies where I was like, doesn't she live in the Valley?

And you're like, no, this is, this is, or I said it was a Hollywood. And then it was like, no, this is Marina Del Rey. And I was like, really? And you're like, I'm pretty sure it's said Marina Del Rey. And it does say Marina Del Rey. So then I was like, no, she's West side. And so I had in my brain it's West side, but now she's-

Well last year she lived in Hollywood or something cause she gets places to shoot during the season. Yeah, last season she was definitely in Hollywood. Yeah, but then she got a house in the Val. It's like 2.4. It's really nice. It's a kind of farmhouse modern shocker. But yeah, I'm guessing they're all moving over there to do that show. Probably easier. You know, they're always the ones having to schlep over to the valley or to Hollywood from Marina Del Rey.

Yeah, that's a long, that's a long track from Marina. Del Rey. That's no joke. Look up Stasi's diagram from whatever season that was. It's real funny. It's real. It was the enchilada season, wasn't it? It's like we're having these enchiladas. Stasi's like, ah, it's always people who moved to fucking Marina Del Rey that make you do this shit.

Yep. So, um, it's always people who moved to fucking Marina del Rey that make you do this shit. Yep so the show opens You had an issue so tell me about this picture of Katie Oh my gosh. Okay, so I was cracking up. I don't even let me I'm gonna have to pull it up on my phone I want to say so when I pulled this episode up to watch it I was cracking up because I was like, Oh my God, I was in a little trouble about Katie stuff this week at the picture that

popped up for the cover of this episode. I'm going to show it on crap. And it's on demand right now. You guys, um, it was Katie. Can you see this picture? They put up Katie as the main picture is just Katie making stink face. Just I don't know if she's crying, but it looks like someone farted in the room and I was just cracking up. Uh, yeah, but I was entering this episode with that picture. Okay. So, um, we get one thing we talk about in the Valley. There's a couple of things that dovetail because of course they're one show right after the other.

But one of them is that Randy Newman, I don't know, they brought this like Randy Newman, Trixie Monaco guy in to do the Valley songs and he's doing this one too. Did you notice? What is the special appearance by Randy? You got a friend in the valley. I love LA. Do do do do. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. It's very like positive Randy Newman family songs. This one was whistling, but we see Sheena and Brock

in their apartment dressing summer. And Sheena's like, which dress you like better, summer? It's a short one with flowers or the long one with flowers or the flower with flowers? I'm with flowers! Yeah! Ha ha ha!

And then, Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Tom's apartment, he's in the bathroom. And then we see, so Joe goes in and she's wearing a Joe, my, Joe my gosh hat. Right? And then she's like, I will cut you. And then she's got a hat that says, Joe, my gosh, Colin, I will cut you.

And meanwhile, the dog is licking his wiener. It's just a normal day over at the Schwartz home. And he's doing a mud mask and she's like, oh, you're trying to get beautiful right now. That is not the way to go with a mud on your face. I'm not on your face. You look so good. You got so much mud on your face. Do you ever tell me about my pet? I used to have an earthworm as a pet and then I brought him to the mud shack. Went into the mud and made a new one. And her caption says Tom's friend who totally does not live with him.

So now we have Oh, this is it was hard. This was gonna be a hard episode because it was all gonna be downhill from this very next moment. There was nothing in this episode that could possibly top this moment. James and Ali Pali in their backyard with a Southwest plane overhead. And they're playing catch. James throws a ball to Hippie. And then he walks by a flower, he has this flower, flower, like a rose bush or something like that.

And he touches the flower and goes, ah, ah, I literally just got an electric shock. I literally got electrocuted by a flower. And she's like, there's a thorn on the flower. And he's like, no, literally an electric shock current when I touch the bloody pedal. They make a sound effect. He's like, I literally got electrocuted by a flower. Because it's sunny in the valley. And then Sandoval is getting ready for a party at his house with one of his new Bad News Bears friends. I don't know where he found them. I don't know if he just stopped a

white van at a bus stop and piled a bunch of valley people in there. I don't know who these people are, but they're all broken. They're all broken toys. All these like 23 year olds, just like lost in the world. They came to Sandaballs. So a lot of box die and you know, like tattoos they gave each other at home, you know, with nails and Bic ink. So they're doing that.

And you know, the hero of the season, Anne, is over there. And Ariana, she's just like, oh my God, we're making drinks, it's gonna be such a fun party, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be great. Ariane's not gonna be mad, is she? Oh God, please don't let her know, is she here? Does she know I'm here? Oh my God, don't hate me.

Yeah, and meanwhile, Ariana's upstairs and she's on the phone with Katie and she's like, oh my gosh, your hair looks like so good. Katie's like, yeah, I'm touching it up. Sorry, and it's like, she's like, Katie, I'm going to say something to you that nobody has said to you in 10 seasons. Your hair looks so good. She's like, thanks, I finally got it. Finally nailed it.

Thank you. It's my year. Yeah, she even gets a compliment from Sandoval later in the episode. He's like, oh, I finally got it. Finally nailed it, thank you, it's my ear. Yeah, she even gets a compliment from Sandoval later in the episode. He's like, oh, your hair looks good, Katie. So yeah, good for her, she finally landed it. So, Arianne is saying that she's leaving because of this stupid, cool, this super cool pool party.

And people start arriving and Schwartz is like, oh, it's a pool party? Is this ancient? Does Arianne know that we're doing this? and people start arriving and Schwartz is like, oh, it's a pool party, is it sanctioned? Does Ariana do it, we're doing this? He's like, yeah, bro, we've had an agreement for days. You think I'm just like, surprise? No, dude, that's not how this works. Yeah, I know, I would hate it

if you just sprung something on Ariana. I thought she had no idea what was gonna happen. Sandoval does not like to live with surprise announcements. He doesn't like to surprise people. So, Ariana's like, so are you having dinner with Lala? Like, how do you feel? And Katie's like, I don't know if she's gonna be pissed or not, well, I hope it blows over

and you guys have like a nice dinner and like, am I too optimistic to think that? And Katie's like, yeah. I was like, what are they mad about again? Ha ha ha. The one time they don't give us a flashback. I was like, what are they mad about? I was like, oh yeah, they had like.

They got in a fight at the end, remember? We couldn't concentrate because they kept out of focusing Katie and focusing on the cat. That cat. Mr. Brinks. Katie's like, I'm trying to have a crying scene here. They're like, no, focus on the cat. The cats are upstaging everyone because Ariana's cat

gets a lot of screen time this episode. That cat was everywhere. Yeah. So then we go downstairs again, and Jason, the Ask Kisser manager, is there. And he's like, oh, bro. Tom Sandoval's like, hey, guys, do you want to do some shots? He's like, shots?

Whoa, Tom, you were so good at shots, bro. Hey, Tom, remember that time you made shots? That was so cool, bro. He's like, oh man, that non-alcoholic whiskey is like really awesome. Man, that's awesome, bro. So Ariana just like comes downstairs, like sunglasses on, it's like, bye,

and just sneaks out the door. And Billie Lina is there being like all snotty. She's like, they're like posing. Like, oh my God, this is like a story on the show, you guys. We finally made it. We are all a storying right now. Hey, Jimmy, I hope you talked about how Katie is icing you out of the friend group.

You brought that up, right? Billy Lee is acting. We are the season. Billy Lee is really acting like Kate Hudson in Almost Famous. She's like, yeah, I've got all the access in the world. She's like, I don't know if anybody's already used this, but it's all happening.

It's all happening. So now we go over to the Henry in West Hollywood and Katie arrives in a t-shirt dress for lunch and Lala shows up, oh, I love this place. And Katie is like, yeah, haven't been in a minute.shirt dress for lunch and Lala shows up, oh I love this place. And Katie's like, yeah I haven't been in a minute, like how are you? Not good, not good, how are you doing? So she's like, look I don't like how it went last night,

obviously. Yeah but Katie's, that was like the third time that I feel like you looked at me like I was your enemies. And I know that looks because I went through a horrific divorce and if we want to talk about it, basically what happened was that Rand stepped out on me with other girls. You don't want to talk about it? No? We want to talk about something else?

Okay, we can do that instead. I like when she referenced the fight and then we get a cut back and it's just the white girls flicking finger guns at each other. Like, pew pew. Oh no. yeah, pew pew me you, no, pew pew me you bitch, oh no, I'm gonna call you bitch now, pew pew me you. So do you feel like you have to always hit below the belt with me? And Katie's like, well, I know I have done that. It's like, okay, but like, and I know that I have like retaliated in a way like, like

last night's and like, I'm not proud of that whatsoever. Okay, here like and I know that I have like retaliated in a way like like last night's and like I'm not proud of that So whatsoever. It's Okay, here's the problem You're both being so mature and loving right now. I don't even know what to do with really either one of these people right now They sit down they have the nicest conversation Katie's like, you know what? I do hit below the belt with you sometimes and I was like, and you know what? My way of reacting is horrible and Katie's like I'm so sorry. You're important to me And Lala's like, and you know what? My way of reacting is horrible. And Katie's like, I'm so sorry, you're important to me.

And Lala's like, you know what? You're important to me. Can we just try and be good to each other? And Katie's like, yes. And then they hug. Yeah. I was like, what the fuck so is this? Listen, both of you won this scene because they're,

I don't know, like it has to like fill you with some kind of good feeling, right? It was a good moment. But at the same time, I don't know, like it has to like fill you with some kind of good feeling, right? It was a good moment, but at the same time, I'm like, no, you need to call her a slut and you need to call her a blob. I don't know what job you two think you're showing up to. But not like, is not like, is there a version of you where you can just be softer with me? I'm like, excuse me, you're on Vanderpump rules.

There is no such thing as softer. Yes, you need to cut each other verbally and go home angry. I mean, I don't know where you think you are. Is this family ties? Let's get to it ladies. But it was actually really nice scene. Yeah, it was lovely at a nice at a very nice restaurant. So now we're back to the party and there's just like some girls like, there was a shot. And then there's like a topless girl in the party. It's just like, it's like the community call. It's like Saturday afternoon at community college

or something like that. It's just so sad because it's, you just, it's especially juxtaposed with this other scene where it's like, oh my God, look at these two characters who normally would have had this huge blowout, low blow blowout, who ended up having this really lovely friendship and conversation

and they're both becoming adults. And then it comes back to Sandoval's party. It's some girl like, he wants a shot. It's like people acting like idiots and trying to like hold on to Tom's youth so, so tightly. So then Schwartz is like, so last night when you said you had a potential love interest here.

So like, then we see a clip of Stand-Up Ball saying, yeah, dude, I met someone at CNX Tuesday. Like, of course, like, it's gonna be awesome. And of course he met, of course, where he meets somebody today is at a fan event for Vanderpump Rules. It's the only place. He's gonna go pick out some 20 year old fucking fan.

Of course he is. We're all shocked, Tom. Nobody saw this one coming, Tom. So Schwartz is just like, yeah, yeah, it's just like, just the idea of like me being in here after everything that happened, like, me implicated as being some sort of wingman

I don't know. I'm scared. So basically Schwartz is like It's just like the the the depths of the of his ability to be a huge pussy is so amazing Like he's like afraid to be at this party because he's afraid he's gonna catch it because he was present When Sandoval was like making moves on a girl, like it's like, this is like too little, too late shorts. You muscle just enjoy this fricking party. At least be true to your friend. As opposed to also he's such a liar. He lies through this entire episode and his whole like, Oh,

I just don't want to be implicated as some wingman cause I never was. And everybody thinks I was the wing. You were the wingman. Everybody knows it. You took trips together was the wing. You were the wingman. Everybody knows it. You took trips together to hide the affair. You pretended to be with that girl to hide the affair. What are you pretending to not be a wing? You can't just rewrite history like that. Yeah. So he basically heads out because he's afraid as if this is going to get him any sort of credibility and sandaballs like, Oh, I think he's like trying to be diplomatic, but it's like, it's not like we're having an orgy.

So then we have my I love this part when we then cut to Sandoval in the pool and he's like next to Billy Lee and Billy Lee. Now she really thinks that she's the new Stassi or something. So she's like, Hey, so did you meet my girlfriend T at the end at the pool? Yeah. And like, what do you think? Yeah. You think like maybe some after hours?

She's acting like she thinks she's like, like the grand dame, not the grand dame, but like the Regina George, she's like an orchestrator love affair, whatever. And he's like, yeah, no thanks. She's like, oh okay. She's like, well, you wanna have an after hours with her or something?

And then we see the girl that she's trying to fix him up with and she's just like staring over at them. I think this was like the TikTok girl, right? I have no idea. She looked like she was 19. Yeah. And he's just like. I think I read back in the day when this was happening

that it was some TikTok girl that he was kind of hanging out with or whatever. So it figures that Billy Lee is like, oh my God, I got you a TikTok star. Guys, recasting the show day by day. We're gonna nail it. Yeah, Billy Lee is just trying to make herself more essential.

And Sandoval's basically like, no, not interested. Besides, I've already invited some of my own girls that I met at the autograph session at See You Next Tuesday when I was signing coffee cups in the back garden. I met some girls by the pizza oven that James DJ's had. So pretty important. Pretty important girls. It's time for a commercial.

It's time for a Crappin's commercial. of creating his very own polite and quiet podcast. That is, until he gets a surprise visit to his fishbowl podcast studio from the Cat in the Hat himself, and it becomes very clear that the cat has other plans for the podcast. And those plans are the opposite of quiet. Sing along to new favorite songs, try your luck at Titanic tongue twisters, have some fun with wondrous wordplay, and most importantly, bring your family along for all of the adventures in the Cat in the Hat cast. Follow the Cat in the Hat cast on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can listen to the Cat in the Hat cast early and ad free on Wondry+. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Wondry Kids Plus on Apple podcasts today. If you don't know when Crystal Pepsi was discontinued, what was in Al Capone's vault, or which famous meteorologist is Lenny Kravitz's second cousin,

then you haven't spent enough time on Wikipedia. But that's okay, I am here for you. I'm Darcy Carden, and I'm inviting you to listen to my new podcast, WikiHole, from Smartless Media. Discover the craziest rabbit holes on Wikipedia with me and my funny friends as we bring the cyber frontier directly to your tympanic membrane. And if you listen to my podcast, you'd learn that that's the science-y term for eardrum.

We embark on a hyperlink roller coaster as we start out on a Wikipedia page and go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities and unexpected connections until we collectively shout, how the hell did we get here? Follow Wicky Hole on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Wicky Hole ad free by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. So then he's like, yeah, and also I don't want friction with my roommate. You know that is right.

So then he gets a text and it's from Michelle. Someone named Michelle. He's like, oh, the girls are here. Gotta go get them. So of course he's got two 20 year old blondes coming over and he's like, good bros, do you want some shots? We're doing shots. Billy Lee is all sad.

You're so cool. Yeah, okay. Cheers to staying positive and testing negative. My babe, cheers. And there's like a young Ruth Buzzi outside. Like we're doing shots. What is this party?

Young Ruth Buzzi. What's happening at this party? So did he go empty out an improv class for this party? Like who are these people? So he's telling, I don't know, he says to someone, are you dating or whatever? And Sandoval's like, oh, by the way, I've never been married by the way, okay? But probably by next year I'll be married, knowing me. Kidding.

So have you guys been to Burning Man? It's like wow, Tom, Burning Man, not just Tela, you've really grown. You're really showing some growth here. These girls are just staring and like just, their mouths are closed. They're not like willing even to show their teeth to this man.

They're just smiling politely like mm-hmm. And he's like, yeah, I mean, this would have been a great year for me to go, like single, I do have a roommate though, have I told you about my roommate? My ex-girlfriend, nothing serious, just a 10 year relationship. Like what is the standup routine he's doing to these girls right now?

I don't know, it's so weird. He thinks he's being charming and he's giving them like what he thinks is a sexy look, but it's like a lifetime killer look. And they're like, uh huh. And they're just so uncomfortable. And they just have that look on them. Like when you know, you know when you go to a pool party, you're like, oh my God, it's a pool, it's summer,

it's so fun, it's a pool. But then you're just like, you're in that moment where you're just standing there and you realize you're just sharing still water with a gross person, you know? And they get that look on them, like I'm just marinating in this other person's juice and it's disgusting.

Pools Also gross. Also I hate I have this nagging feeling like this scene with sandabal the things he's saying to these girls this is not a unique experience like this is said to so many women across Los Angeles by so many gross men in their 40s in a hot tub who've cornered them who have like an ounce of fame or an ounce of wealth and are just like, so you ever been to Burning Man? Yeah, it's pretty cool. Yeah, I got an ex girlfriend who lives in the house. Yeah, that's what life is like in LA. Oh, it's just the aging part with the we're doing shots. You've been to Burning Man.

Yeah, Tom, you're talking to fucking 20 year olds, bro. Please, you're so embarrassing. I'm just embarrassed. I'm embarrassed watching it. So he's like, yeah, talking to people, that's like a muscle. A muscle I haven't worked at in a while, bro. Like you gotta work on it. That's literally a lie.

By the way, you had an had an affair that required some talking. Also, like you are out and about and you're going doing these band things. You're doing these fan things all the time. You own bars. You socialize with people. He is full on this faux modesty of like, I don't even know how to do this anymore. I'm hurt. No, don't believe it for a second.

Well, he's saying, yeah, my girlfriend, like I crush up potato chips for and leave them under her door to eat. Kidding. They're like, actually, the truth is I have a white noise machine, so I don't have to hear creaking down the hallway. Resentment. It hurts. I hear her resentment and it hurts. It was, this was a really deeply awkward scene and I'd be very upset if I found out later on that one of those girls slept with him. I'm like, please, please say you moved on. After he finishes his like,

his big romantic like standup routine, they're just staring at him and they're looking at each other like, how fast can an Uber get here? Yeah. And then he goes, a-boom. It was disturbing.

So now it's the next day after this party and the mess is everywhere. Nothing has been cleaned up. And Anne is there, Anne is cleaning. And she's like, oh wow, look at this. Oh my God, there's shoes on a chair. Wow, so much to clean up. I was gonna go um visit my

grandmother in the hospital they're saying she only has a few hours left but ah gotta clean up these shoes oh and hair on the floor yay oh my god ariana's downstairs hi ariana oh you look so great good morning no great morning because you look great oh you know what we should call this Ariana morning? It's a great morning. Am I right? How are you doing? Do you have fun yesterday? So Sheena's coming over, but like there's like so much sticky stuff on the floor. I'll mop it.

I'll mop it. I'll lick it up. I don't even care. I don't care. I'll use my spit right now. If the water turned off, I would literally cut myself and just clean it with my blood. And are you using your bra? Did you just soak your bra and use are using it as a mop right now and you don't have to do that

Don't have to love to don't have to love to you have a mop in the closet. It's okay Call me and ariana's like, I don't know what this girl's doing, but her boss sucks so then we go to and going to Tom in his home gym and she's like, oh my God, I'm so sweaty from coming up these stairs. Well, also from seeing Ariana, she's so amazing. I just can't help it. Am I still crying?

Am I crying right now? So Sandoval, Sandoval. Do you think I can get her autograph? Has she signed anything around here? Maybe I'll just like lick my hand and lick something she's already signed and then like put a piece of paper on it. I mean, it'll be backwards.

It'll be a backwards signature, but it'll still be from her. And then tattoo over it. So Sandoval is literally walking on the treadmill. He's taking a stroll at an incline, but still a stroll. And he's like, so how's it looking down there? And she's like, oh, I'm on it. I'm on it. Hey, everything's great. But just, you know, she is coming over. She'll be downstairs. So, uh, yeah.

It's like, cool. Well, uh, one of, uh, Anne's duties is some light housekeeping, you know, whatever I can't do, she picks up. So I don't leave a mess. Like whatever you can't do, you're literally strolling. You're strolling upstairs while this poor lady is, she does his laundry. We find out like it is a total abuse of an assistant. rolling. You're strolling upstairs while this poor lady is, she does his laundry. We find out like it is a total abuse of an assistant. Well, how much other work could he have to do? That's true. It's Tom Sandoval, you know? So, all right.

Download the cord sheets for Tequilaville Margaritaville. Sorry. Don't you mean Margaritaville? Uh, I couldn't find tequila. All right. Download me cord sheets for Margaritaville. And I mean, I don't know what chords are exactly, but, um, just post them in the rec room of a high school and, uh, just say seeking saxophonist,ist, we'll pay with shots. Okay, BYOB. So in comes Gina downstairs.

Hi, it is like so hot in the valley compared to like the beach. This is like the, this is the theme of Bravo this week. When you watch the valley, everyone says, everyone's like, oh my God, it's like so hot out there. We were just talking about how anyone from any other part of town always says that when they come to the valley. They're like, oh my God, why is it so hot here

compared to where I am? It's so hot in the valley. The way the hills are around Los Angeles, it creates an effect where it's blazing hot in the valley. It's a literal valley. It's like a sun-baked hellscape. Well, that's why it's called that. So people hug, or she hugs Ariana, and Ariana's like, oh yeah, so this is what I came down to.

Sexy single pool party. Wait a minute, it's called sexy single pool party. It had a theme, I love a theme. And Ariana's like, no, that's just what I called it. I just called it that, just as a joke. Anyway, I'm gonna have people over for game night. I'm not gonna have sexy sinkable party, but How are you by the way? How are you because people are telling me that you're like really upset with me And so then we have a clip of Lala telling Ariana like she knows upset and so

And Vander pumping my go you need to talk to Shima She's very hurt the dancing with the stars thing. The way that that was handled, darling, because she didn't even find out until the very end. And Ariane was like, so she thinks I should have breached my contract to tell her about it? Darling, what's a contract when you've got Sheena? Like what I don't like is like people telling me how I feel like I'm putting like words

in my mouth, and like, at Lisa especially. And Ari was like, oh, yeah, she was like, yeah, the way that you handle Dance with the Stars. And I was like, what did I handle? I don't understand what I handled. Well, obviously you know that that's something I've wanted forever. And so I don't want Lisa making it sound like I'm really upset about it.

It's just that I'm really upset about it. It's just that I'm like really upset about it. Okay? So like what, you know, I wanted it. Like I even started dance class, right? So like, I felt like I was being considered for the season and yada, yada, yada. And by yada, yada, yada, I mean, I was totally thinking I was considered for the season

because I wasn't told I wasn't considered for the season. And like I sent him lots of emails to the PR department. And so like, why wouldn't I be considered for this season? But apparently, like you got instead of me, which is like fine, like, I'm super, super happy for you. And the best part in this entire moment for me was that Ariana's dog Mia was sitting next to Sheena. And at like different times, like she was like petting Mia, whatever. But

when she's doing this monologue about not getting to answer the stars, for whatever reason, Sheena is holding Mia's paw. And it looks like it looks like Mia is like supporting Sheena. Like, I'm here for you. Don't they like holding hands? And she's like, I just really thought I didn't tell me either girl. She didn't tell me either. It's like, you got this girl. You got this. It's just like, I really thought I was gonna get dancing with the stars. Well, if you can do this, get let it out. Woof. Woof. It's just like, I really thought I was gonna get Dancing with the Stars. Woof, you can do this. Let it out, woof, woof. All right, well, was it a punch to the gut when I didn't get Dancing with the Stars?

Like, was it disappointing? Like, did I have a good cry? Did I have like half of a carton of Auntie Angelatos? Yes. Did I have Summer Moon on the side of the freeway for five minutes alone just so I could see someone crying even harder than me to make myself feel better? Yes. But like, I'm genuinely happy for you.

Don't worry, Tori went back to get her. You know what? It all worked out. I should have told you, I completely understand. Also Mia, how dare you take Sheena's side in this? Really feeling cornered right now. Sheena's like, I want the cat too. The both of the animals took Sheena's side.

They both, well, the cat was, at first the cat was just, I'm the cat too. The both of the animals took sheen aside. Well, the cat was at first the cat was just I loved how the cat was just sort of sitting there on the side of the couch, just like primly sitting there like waiting to be pet like hello, before this conversation starts, I do require one pat on the head. Thank you very much. And then it just were like squatted down like a little blob. I love that, I love cats. I love when they do that, make their blob shape. So Ariana's, first of all, Ariana's very patient. And she knows who she's friends with, right? Because she knows being a total idiot. So Ariana's like, you're right, I should have told you.

I completely understand where you're coming from. She goes, but I just want you to know you can always trust me. You got a friend in me. That's what the singer of our song sings. So Ariana's like, well, when Lala talked to me and Vanderpump did too, I thought like, can Sheena trust me to tell me her feelings in the moment?

Cause like other people, you do feel more comfortable talking about rather, you're clearly taught, clearly you have these feelings and you touch other people before me She's basically that's what I'm like Lala Do you mean Lala because like Lala and I are like more together more often and like she writes a really hard for me Like I feel like Lala like if Lala got called to do dancing with the stars She'd be like no sheen it is Sheena's turn call me next year You know like that's like how good of a friend Lala is, but like who are you even?

Like who are you right now? Ariana is- I feel like I'm in the office party and you need a sticky on your chest that says hello my name is, cause like who are you? Ariana is like my person, but lately it's been difficult.

Like she hasn't been like super receptive to my feelings. Like I just have to like, I've become like closer with the dog, quite frankly. And she knows like her feelings, your feelings are you want to be best friends with Sandim all like two weeks after he completely fucked your best friend over. But OK, carry on. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, I miss that person. Ariana's like, I miss that person.

I miss that person who used to exist, but then this person comes to mind and what they did was so insidious. So it's hard that my best friend is telling me that she misses that person. You're that person. You're that person. That best friend. You're talking to a person who's not on Dance With The Stars

and it's really hurtful. Okay, wait. Just like kind of stare at each other. Theoretically, theoretically, theoretically, let's say years from years, years, years, years, wait, it's like kind of staring at each other. Theoretically, theoretically, theoretically, let's say years from the years, years, years, years, years, like decades, like in the distant future, like 2024. What if?

What if? OK, I'm just this purely theoretical, you know, I would like, you know, I would come to you like, hey, you know what? What's going on? Congratulations on being with Dancing with the Stars. I still haven't gotten the call You know what? I've seen that Sandoval's done like all this work Just like just as you've done all that work on Dancing with the Stars and he's like a completely different person now And I'm like, I think I'm gonna be his friend again Like how would you feel if that theoretically happened?

Because it probably would never but I'm just saying like, imagine, imagine a crazy world in which that maybe already did happen. I don't know. And Ariana, who has just watched Ghost for the first time or something, cause she says this a couple of times throughout the episode.

She goes, well, I would be sighing you, but not in a judgy way, but in a way like, you in danger, girl. She's like, oh, okay. Well, okay. What way like, you in danger, girl. She's like, oh, okay. Well, okay, what if theoretically, like in 2024, they came up to you and they said, Ariana, will you do Dancing with the Stars again? Or will you give us Sheena's number?

Or should we call Felicia Rashad? Who would you pick between you, me, or Felicia Rashad? It's like, uh. You. Well, damn it, that's the right answer. Oh my God, Tom said, who or Felicia Rashad? It's like, uh, you? Well, damn it, that's the right answer. Oh my God, Tom said, who's Felicia Rashad? And I said, what kind of friend are you? Try again in 2025, you idiot.

I mean, the good news is this, as much as I would love to be in Dancing the Stars, my true dream is being in Chicago. So yeah, Ariana saying you and danger girl. So now we go to Echo Park. This is Echo Park, right? With the swans. Yes. Why have I never seen the swans at Echo Park?

The swan. The living swans are like the boat swans. The boat swans. Oh, they're there. They're just like in a corner. I've just never noticed them. Yeah, they're there. We can go next time you're in town.

They make it look more glamorous on TV, don't they? Echo Park. They make it look a lot more glamorous. Echo Park is nice, but they make it seem like it is freaking Central Park and it is not Central Park. Yeah, I've never gone to Echo Park and been like, oh my God, this is, oh, there's a date time over here.

I'm gonna have some nighttime riding on the bike swan things here. I've never thought that there, but on TV they make it look really, really, and they always go there on this show. James went there for some, well, didn't he go there on some glamorous date night? I don't remember if he went there or not.

He might've, maybe he went to MacArthur Park, which would have been hilarious see swan things again see swan bike things again maybe they did go there they know somebody over there maybe they did but so Schwartz and Joe are there and Schwartz is like oh this is my little happy place lies you've never even been to Echo Park we do happy place with our happy place. I've never been here. Hello. Echo Park. Echo Park. It's echoing. It's echoing. Echo Park. Echo Park.

That's you making those echoes. Caught me. Caught me. Who got your nose? I got it. Oh, Joe got my nose. Everyone. Everyone. Everyone. I'm echoing. This is probably his happy place. It's like two of his favorite things echoing and parking. So he's like, she went surfing this morning. What if what if you got bit by a shark?

How many bites would it take to get to the center of a Joseph? And she's like, one bite, one bite. Why'd you buy me a stupid thing? Get over here and hug me. You stupid shark. You think you're going to just buy me and not give me a hug? Hug me with your teeth. Oh, it bit me again.

I think it's so strange that Joe is this wacky and has never been to Echo Park. Like, I guess she's probably like, she's going to be spending a lot of time there in the future. Yeah. I mean, I can see your obviously she's a surfer, she probably hangs out at like, Venice Beach, like that's her wacky zone. But I just feel like all wacky people have been to Echo Park at some point, right? Like you can't be wacky in LA and not hang out with the hipsters, right? I mean, at least a score. So, um, Joe Schwartz is like, who would take one bite or two bites? And she goes, three, three bites. And then they start cracking up. So the producers are asking Schwartz, they're like, so all this talk of you and Joe dating, are you dating Joe? And he goes,

oh, you know, I could probably marry Joe and be happy for the rest of my life, but I don't want that. I don't I just don't want it And he's like yeah, I mean it has rom-com vibes here. Look at this. Check out Echo Park. It's so rom-com here It's worse not leading anybody else on at all. You see people don't fucking change this fucking guy It's like I don't want anything with Joe. Thank God. We starting our own romcom here today with all these swans, Joe. Uh, I have to say, um, hot take, I actually think these two do have chemistry. I'd like, it's weird seeing Schwartz finally having chemistry with someone, but I feel like we've never seen him actually have chemistry and it feels like

they do have chemistry and I think that they should actually pursue it. That's my hot take. I think they probably do a lot of drugs together. That's chemistry. And that is chemistry. That's chemistry. That is chemical. That is chemical chemistry.

Which goes away the second you don't do drugs. And anybody who's ever had this kind of relationship with somebody else, I have many times, you know, where you're sober, you're like, you know, we're messes. we should get sober. And the second you're sober, you just look at each other like, yeah, there's nothing here. Get out of my house. No, seriously. Put the remote control down. Okay, you can't steal. You're not going to get anything from stealing my remote control. Okay, I got sober faster than you did. Okay, go do not take the keys out of the bowl. Do not take the keys out of the bowl. Do not take the keys out of the bowl.

Okay. Well, I have to tell you my turtle story. By the way, can I tell you my turtle story? I gotta tell him my turtle story. You have a turtle story? I have a turtle story. I love turtle stories. Yeah, I got a turtle story.

Oh, we're getting to SWAT. We're getting to SWAT. SWAT time, SWAT time. It's time for the SWAT. Okay, turtle story. Are we back for this? Are you ready for turtle story? Okay, okay, okay. Okay, so I'm six. Maybe I'm seven, maybe I'm eight, maybe I'm nine, ten, eleven, twelve,

cast up. Okay, back to six. I'm six. It was this morning. It was this morning. It was this morning. It was this morning. I don't know. What time? It's a contract. Okay, so I was six. I had a turtle. His name was Charlie. I'd walk him around on a leash. I'd be like, here comes Charlie. I tried to tape a top hat to his head, but unfortunately it didn't stay on and he ate it. It was also made of cabbage. Whoops. Anyway, so we're just like walking around and then we're walking over a sewer grate, you know?

And then Charlie just falls in. He just falls in and I couldn't get him out. He's like, yeah. And it became a ninja turtle. I was walking Charlie on a leash and then we went over a grate and then Charlie fell in. Okay, well here's my question, Joe. Wasn't the turtle on a leash? So why didn't you pull it back up with the leash? Did it fall out of the

leash? Did you just let the leash go? Like what kind of monster are you? The leash was a rainbow. He just dropped the leash as well. What the fuck man? Wow poor Charlie. Charlie fell and she goes yeah he became a ninja turtle. I was like yeah congratulations you were almost in the movie It. Wow. Commercials here comes one right now. So maybe like somewhere in heaven Charlie and dog are sharing a swan boat ride together in a park. Poor reptiles they are not faring well with these two. ride together in the park. Poor reptiles, they are not faring well with these two.

A ninja turtle. Oh, Joseph, look around. Oh, oh wow. Hey, so how was your week, how's your weekend looking? Do you have any dates, any hints? Cause we're totally not going to be together. I mean, how could we be? You're basically like Julia Roberts.

I'm like that English guy who got in trouble from getting a blowjob from a hooker in a car. Prince Charles. Hugh Green. No, the other one. Robert Townsend. Not even close. Eddie Murphy.

Blobber. Blobber. I love Blobber. I jump high. I jump high because I have Blobber. You know who I wish had blubber? The turtle. Oh God, is it too soon?

Is it too soon? I was just six years old this morning, it was too soon. Ichabod Crane, was that who you're talking about? Ichabod Crane, you like Ichabod Crane. So she's like, no, I'm not gonna date. Who am I gonna date? I'm not going on a date. I'm gonna go out and meet up with Ali actually

because she's apparently really good at reading birth charts. I was born, so I don't know if there was a chart for that, but I definitely was born. You know, I know, cause I'm here. If I wasn't born, how could I have murdered a turtle like that on accident? It was manslaughter. It was manslaughter.

So then we get Jo and her confessional. And like Jo and her confessional always makes me kind of sad. She reminds me of like Kermit the frog when Kermit sad, you know, when Kermit gets sad, his mouth crinkles over like this and it's being demonstrated on video right now. And that's what her face does. She's like, wow, I'm going to like meet Ali. Like meeting Ali for sure was like a little nerve wracking because she's like definitely beautiful.

But like I get like a good vibe from her and like the other girls, like, don't give me a fair chance. Especially Katie, like, she's being like a jealous ex. And she's trying so hard to look like cool in the diary room that she's cross-legged, like she's sitting crisscross applesauce in the diary room. Like, oh God. That's what you do when you're a surfer in Venice. She's so intensely chill.

She's like, I am so chill. Woo, Sama, right? Can't wait to meet Ali. She is so fucking gorgeous. Jesus Christ. My birth sign is gonna be like, you're pretty. My future is saying, you're pretty every day for the rest of my life.

So she's, so, okay, here's my question. So Joe's a cast member now. When did this happen? We just heard things coming out of the reunion, which is that Joe was there and talked so much that she lost her voice, according to her own Instagram. So did this, did they just decide like nothing is happening this season?

They were like, listen, we just had a scene with Lala and Katie where they hugged at the end and had zero to fight about. We've got to do something. Listen, bring that girl that Schwartz was pretending not to bang last year. There was either going to be Joe or satchel. So they said, let's do, we already had some satchel times. Let's do Joe.

Okay. I am for it. I enjoy Joe. I think Joe is really funny and goofy and I don't know why, why we have to hate her. Okay. I like her. Yeah, there's all this other stuff going on

that we're supposed to hate her. I guess I'm just gonna wait for the show to tell me. I'm sure we'll find out soon. So now we go to the Belmont, the old peach pit of this show, and it's like friends night. Everybody's gonna go meet the Sandoval over at the Belmont. Yeah, this is the peach pit of the show. Everybody's gonna go meet the Sandoval over at the Belmont. Yeah, this is the peach pit of the show.

That's so true. So, Shina, so James and Allie are show up and everything. And she was like, mom's night out, mom's night out. Like, unless I were on Dancing with the Stars, in which case it would probably be like a rehearsal night. But like, I just don't know that life because I haven't been picked.

But anyway, Mub's Night out! And Ariane and Katie are coming, donk donk donk, and everyone's like, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaA ARIANE AND KATE ARE ON DANCE FROM THE STARS, IN WHICH CASE IT'S A REHEARSAL NIGHT, BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW THAT LIFE, BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN TO BEING THE SAME. offered dancing with the stars before me. Baaah! I can't even put into words what a huge deal it is to have Ariana even reading the same era as Sandoval. That would be like if I were going to go to a function with Rand and being okay with it. Like, cause you know, Rand and I had a very big explosive breakup because he cheated on me. And I had a baby and it was just such a huge scandal. And now it's nice that I can finally get to talk about it on this show because finally now that the scandal has sort of simmered down people care about my scandal too know what I'm saying? I never expected her to show up to this!

And Schwartz is like it's okay it's okay oh my god did she see me oh she saw me she saw me I'm dead I'm I'm dead, I'm dead. And Lala's like, yeah, I feel like Ariana's sincere to reclaim her friends from Tom and I'm here for it. Cause I would much rather look at her than Tom's. So Sandoval goes, oh, hey Katie, I like your hair. She's like, um, thank you.

Gross, guess I have to change it now. And Schwartz is like, hey, Santa, could you not stand so close to me? I don't wanna see Ariana see us standing so close together. Don't stand so, don't stand so, don't stand so close to me. That was for you, Joe. Oh, she's not here, sorry.

So, Jessie, Jessie sees her and is like, Oh my God, what a surprise. Like, what is like a bombshell walking in here. This is like crazy. Like, here we are just at this bar and like bombshell alert. Yeah, what a nice surprise. Ariana's like, I know what you're you know, the Arion was thinking like, I know what you're trying to do at my place. No, doing the whole thing like, well, I don't, you know what the Ariana was thinking? Like, I know what you're trying to do at my place.

No, doing the whole thing like, well, I don't see you as much. Well, guess what? Checkmate. So Ariana's here and she's like, I cannot let my ex prevent me from hanging out with my friends the rest of my life. I'm avoiding eye contact, but let me tell you,

I can feel those eyes buried into me. I'm so sorry to interrupt this recap. Are you recording? Yes. Because I, for some reason, am not. Well, look at that. I don't know what I did, but I fucked up life here. Okay, good.

Okay, so let's see. So then, she, I'm so sorry, I really confused myself. It's okay. So then Sandoval's like, she, I'm so sorry. I really confused myself. Okay. So then sound of all is like, dude, I gotta take a shit. God, this guy just keeps stopping himself. He gets classier by the minute. So Schwartz is like, that's the best poop bathroom in all of West Hollywood. Why don't we go poop there?

I can't. I don't want to walk my Ariana. Yeah. Public poopers. I shoulda known. So now the girls move on to the patio and Ally's like, so how's everyone since astrology night? Things are good with me,

except we have flowers that have been electrocuting James, just sort of weird, don't know how to account for that on a cosmic level, but it's kind of fun to watch. What's going on with you guys? Oh, this is why I have the wrong thing open to record. What a dummy. I pressed the wrong button. Now it's trying to record me on Skype. And that's how long ago. How long ago did we use Skype? I mean, 20 years

years ago. So then Lala's like even a thing. So Lala's like, well, guess what? We think something news happens. Katie and I, we have a safe words now. And Katie's and Schwartz is like, Ashina's like, oh, is it Ask Her Girl? Katie's like, it's croissant. See, like I feel like I'm being fucked with at this point. Why are you trying to make me start a fucking fan club for you?

No, I love- Your safe word is croissant? Well, that's like my favorite thing. But that speaks so much to that's such an LA safe word. Let's say let's mention something that we would never, ever, ever bring up in any normal situation, carbs. That'll be our safe word, croissant. Yeah, it's a little obvious there guys.

So then they start talking about Joe, right? So Ally's like, yeah, so Joe texted me to read her chart. And Katie's like, gross, what did you say? She goes, I said sure. And then Ariana again goes, you in danger, girl. Okay, let's. It was like Patrick Swayze night at your house. What happened here?

Just learned internet means. So Ally goes, what? She's quirky. And Katie's like, I'm quirky. That's kind. So then Katie tells us, Joe, where do I start? I mean, Kristen Doty was her best friend, but then this girl infiltrates the rest of my life.

I mean, the day I announced my divorce, I get this message saying, and then we see the text and it says, beeper loves you slash I love you. Oh, and I'm so supporting of your inner thoughts and visions slash live in the moment. You're a gen. You're you're just like, you're a gem. And I've always respected you. I love you. XO Joe. If you see a turtle, who's a baby, possibly with a laser on his neck.

Take care of him until mommy comes home. OK. Katie's like, so what's the story girl? Like quite a leap from hitting me up to ask if you wanted a haircut. Now, just weeks after, you know, two weeks after we moved, ask him for a place. We move out, like to ask him for a place to live. So, like, of course, I'm very curious. So like, of course I'm very curious. So Katie's basically like, I don't trust this person,

they're an infiltrator. Have you met Lala and James and Ali and everyone else on your cast, you're on a reality show, it's sort of what's happening. True, and this is your answer of why we're supposed to hate Jo. Because this is, this is it, right here to hate Joe because this is this is it right? Because Joe did this. Yeah, I don't know. I need to see.

Crackhead Joe. That's what all the comments are like. Spooky Joe, crackhead Joe. I need to have evidence. This is the marching orders. We all hate Joe now. Now I'm with you as far as I don't know what this girl did. Was she cheating with Tom? Is that the accusation that she was like cheating with Tom? I need to know the full story because Joe may have sent that text message. I need to know, did Katie then say something? Was Katie just being rude to Joe? Because Katie can just make it seem like, oh yeah.

And then she moved in with Tom. Well, maybe Joe was like, you know what? Fuck Katie. She's being so mean to me. Why am I being loyal to her? I need a place to live. I'm moving with Tom. He's cute. Hmm. You know, I feel like there's more of the story. Yeah, I need more information. One thing I do know in all of this, changing subjects a little bit. I mean, it's still Joe, but Tom Schwartz is a fucking liar because yes, now,

now this whole thing is they were in a relationship this whole last summer, but are they still, were they still in a relationship this summer? Were they still friends when he went to do Winter House? Were they in a relationship then? Like, do people just not ever have to tell the truth on these shows? You guys are following them around with cameras. Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on?

I'm willing to hate on Jo, but I just need to see the evidence. Cause right now I just see her as like a kooky girl who everyone is super mean to. And like when because right now I'm here right now I just see her as like a kooky girl who? Everyone is super mean to and like when that happens, and I'm always like but wait. She's nice Yeah, yeah, so I don't really know either so we'll see so Apparently this girl has just been cast midseason because now I think Katie now is like wait a minute So this girl has now infiltrated my fucking show. Now she's really in my life.

She's showing up mid-season at my show. To which I say you guys needed to show up to more group events to start fights because this is what happens. Now production is bored and they know they're in trouble and they have brought in the crazy hairdresser. She makes this interesting. So let's see what happens.

That's always a threat in life, that if you're too static with what you're doing, if you're too complacent, a crazy hairdresser will come in and shake things up. That's right. So Kyle Chan is there and he's like, I thought you left, Tom? Tom's like, no, I had to take a shit.

Big season for Kyle Chan. He's getting a lot of lines. He's really been able to fill the void of everyone abandoning Sandoval. He's like, I invested many years and several thousands of dollars of free jewelry in this man and it's finally panning out for me. Yeah, oh, so Katie finishes off the Joe stuff

and she says, yeah, and then within a few months, she's living with Tom Schwartz. This girl moves in sketchy ways. It's giving infiltrating a little too much. So, dun, dun, dun, we'll see. Will they take down Joe? Well, I mean, she didn't have these issues with Ali. Ali just moves right in.

Ali has nothing to do with her, you know? Right, but I'm saying like, one could say Ali could have infiltrating vibes. I don't really think so. I think Ali seems sweet, but like, James broke up with Raquel a second later, he was with Ali, a second later, they were like moving in.

Where is that energy now? And he met Ali at a, see you next Tuesday or something, or like a concert. No, did he meet her at the Calabasas place? I think it, anyway, she showed up at one of his gigs, you know? Yeah, the point is that Katie has, she seems to be selective of when she decides

to give out the infiltrating energy. Yeah, well, her safe word is croissant. So I'm staying team Katie for now. So I will wait. This never happens. It's'm gonna enjoy this episode. It's hard to refute that, safe word croissant. Croissant, croissant, croissant. This could be the only episode this year,

but I'm gonna stay here. So, Sandoval's still bragging about pooping. I don't know what his deal is, but he's disgusting. So, I mean, everybody poops, but I don't wanna hear about it. Pretend you don't. You know my stance on poop, man. You know my stance on poop. I do.

It should be a good time to remind you that I have a colonoscopy later this week. Oh, that's medical pooping. That's very different. You're choosing the jug they gave me. Not to poop in, not to poop in. Relax. It's just, you have to drink from it.

All right. So, Schwartz goes, Oshina goes up to Schwartz and he's like, you come here often? She's like, not for years actually, because like honestly, I can't trust anybody to be around my baby. Like you really never know what people are gonna do, okay? Like have you ever seen a milk carton?

It's like horrible out there. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to come to the Belmont for happy hour because that's the exact time for my dance lessons for unspec dancing with the stars but anyway how was things with Santa ball Ariana said that there was a sexy singles pool party so that she not fully taking the joke and passing it off as fact and she was like I knew this would happen. It's a game of telephone. Yeah, what's up?

Look, hey, you know what? I took a, hey, everyone, I took a shit. I took a shit here in this bathroom. Yeah, I thought I was going to be, so this party, I thought it was going to be like three or four people, which is why I bought enough booze for about 25. And then it was like, all of a sudden, like so many people showed up.

And so we're like by the way we also had a nice James Bond rat pack thing the other yeah yeah well I don't really care about that but I also heard from Brock that you feel like Raquel abandoned you Tom Sandoval like can there be a part of you that can be like you know what maybe I did hurt this person and maybe I did manipulate this person you know like I'm talking about Katie right now. It's like, oh my God, you're standing, you're coming to stand up for Katie. Let's, let's get him taking responsibility for like the major things first. Yeah. How about you like swallow your ego. You can't give the man the whole to-do list. How about you swallow your ego and be like, Katie, you know, I fucked up and like the business I

opened up with your ex-husband was probably a big part of the demise of your relationship. Also, plus the fact that he probably never really loved you and I probably exacerbated that and really put that on display for you. So can you do that? Congrats, Hannibal. And he's like, dude, come on. He's like, come on, why don't you take your ego out of it? He's like, it's not my ego, God.

Yeah, but like you're getting heated and I'm calm. He's like, come on, why don't you take your ego out of it? He's like, it's not my ego going! Yeah, but like, you're getting heated and I'm calm. He goes, I'm sick of being the scapegoat, I just took a shit. He's like, it's not being a scapegoat, okay? It's called having some self-awareness, okay? Like for example, I'm very aware that I should be on Dancing with the Stars this season,

and I'm not. And you know what, you should take accountability. For instance, Dancing with the Stars should take accountability of the fact that they didn't cast me despite the fact that I already took lessons in preparation for it. For example, like I know that Felicia Rashad is very mature and I'm sitting here waiting for her call apologizing for even being offered Dancing with the Stars. Do I am like people want to take like the last 10 last years of my

10 years of my life and use it against me. No, I'm just talking about the last year. It's ridiculous man. Like come on. Like really makes up the past 10 years. It's literally a year. Yeah, she's like, okay, we're going in circles much like me doing the pas de doble in class.

So I'm just trying to help. All right, well, he's like, well, you're not helping. All right. And she's like, okay, geez. So James like, Tom, what are you doing, man? What are you doing? You're going to burn down every frigging bridge around you, man. Your life is crumbling. Here take this flower.

BLEUGH told you. It is. OW MAN BRO NO! Psss. AH! I just got electrocuted by a coaster! Psss. AH! The flower's back! Be careful everyone, there's a flower and a coaster here and they're both with an electric issue if you're not careful. I'm not grumbling to these motherfuckers anymore, dude. We've all made mistakes.

I'm outta here. Oh, that coaster really does shock you. So he leaves and she's like, well, I'll try my best. So now we transition. We're going back to Marina Del Rey and we have Randy Newman is back. He's back. We're gonna rise to the top.

And let's see, so the nanny, they're talking about the nanny again, you know? The nanny's coming and Brock's like, oh, the nanny said she'd be happy to cook lunch, breakfast and dinner when she's here. And she's just like, oh my God, breakfast too? We didn't even talk about that. What are we going to fight in front of the nanny?

You can have it. You can have some of feeding my baby breakfast. And they're drawing like mad picture, angry pictures on like a tablet or something like that. So Sheena's like, I mean, I don't know how many times I have to explain this to you. Okay. Like my schedule is like not consistent. He's like, yeah, that's fine.

But like, this is not right for me. Okay, all right. Lower the tone, Sandable. I'm not listening to you when you have a tone. Listen, I want our conversations to be like my music, toneless. Well, when you say I can't have a schedule, then am I not allowed to have a schedule too? You know what? I really don't like you today. Yeah, well guess what? I hope that Sheena and I like are around soon can like figure out my career. Yeah, basically they're fighting because she, he wants a nanny on a certain schedule and

she's like, but I don't have a schedule. So when do we schedule a nanny on a certain schedule and she's like, but I don't have a schedule. So when do we schedule a nanny? And he's like, but I need a schedule because I need to schedule my career. And she's like, okay, so what's your career again? What is that? Personal training. Schedule.

By the way, real quickly, how was the Belmont? Oh, well, I was like trying to like say to Tom, like stop doubling down and like blame people for things. Sort of like the way like I felt like how by the way Did I mention that like Ariana totally took took my spot on dance for the stars? Anyway, so Tom should stop blaming people for things and I honestly don't remember how it happened But I'm like, why am I even trying with this guy? He's like, oh well, you know my one concern with Ariana is that she doesn't get the support. She's had all this support.

But what's going to happen the second that she doesn't have the support? I don't know why. Could you elaborate? Because it did. The scene just ends like the scene ends like, aha, what happens in Ariana loses when this 15 minutes of fame moment ends? I'm like, I don't know, she picks up a drug habit? I don't know, what are you trying to say? I don't know.

She was like, I'll tell you this much, you won't be taking my Dancing with the Stars rolls again. So then we go to Ariana and Katy unpacking stuff for their party. Yeah. And Katy's like, they didn't have like pizza bites, but they had bagel bites. So I got bagel bites. And Tom's upstairs working out again on the treadmill.

Tom is obsessed, man. I'm really obsessed. He definitely is in great shape right now. So Santa Vol's like, isn't it gross? I mean, I wouldn't say gross, but doesn't it kind of take some of the hotness away when you see how much work it takes to look hot? Like to go like that. Like just working out nonstop is so unsexy. Let's make it natural. It's not natural. It doesn't count. It's just weird to be like, oh, I got caught in this horrific scandal and I'm just like a slimeball. So I'm gonna make myself look hot to undo it. Like, I don't know. It's weird. So sand of all has always been like that, right?

He's been working out like that for years and years. It's just, I guess we see the obsessive part of it now because it's like the only place he can hang out in his house is the gym. Yeah. He's like, you know what? Reflecting on like last night, I don't think that like I'm the reason

like Katie and Tom got divorced, but I'm willing to apologize because I want to prioritize things that are important to Sheena because I would like to mend that friendship. So he's basically like, okay, I'm going to do this to prove to Sheena that I'm going to be a good friend to her

and lure her back onto my side. So then we cut back to Ariana and Katie and Ariana is like, oh my God, I just got a text from Ann. It says, the boss man is coming downstairs to make a protein shake. I love you so much. Are you okay down here? I mean, will you be okay if he's making a protein shake?

Would you mind signing the glass? And then when he's done drinking the glass, he can leave it in the hallway and I can pick the glass up. I would be so glad to have a glass with your name on it. Would you mind if you mind? I'm really, really sorry. I'm so sorry I'm even writing you this text. Hold on, erase that whole text and start again.

Whoops, I pressed send. Love you. Katie's like, I mean, whoa, where did Ariana go? I just see a cloud of dust. Weird. So Ariana's like, the producers are making you shoot a scene with Tom. I'm going upstairs.

And Katie's just like, she was all put stuff in bowls, which is kind of her love language. Katie, what do you want to do? Put stuff in bowls, stuff in bowls. You guys want to come over. The theme of the night is putting stuff in bowls. So Katie is like, it's amazing how like when Ariana leaves the room, it just gets cold and dark and I can't even breathe nicely.

Oh, so you guys are gonna have some people over and she's like, yeah, just some games like nothing crazy gonna put some stuff in bowls, you know, and like nothing crazy. Gonna put some stuff in bowls, you know. And- Yeah, we're just gonna be putting some stuff in bowls. Billy Lee's not gonna try and human traffic some TikTok stars to us or anything. Well, I've obviously been like doing some thinking and like reflecting and Katie,

I wanna apologize to you for the way I acted during your divorce. It's like, yeah. Oh, that's my favorite sound effect. That was me. Sorry, I just spilled some cereal. Missed the bowl. Katie's making her own sounds.

I know you were going through a lot and probably didn't need like that extra shit from me. So I'm like, sorry. She's rolling her eyes. She goes, okay, but you're like, sorry. She's rolling her eyes. She goes, okay, but you're like, apologizing to me and apologies are just like words. And at the end of the day, Tom, you fucked up, Tom. Big time.

It's fathomless. That's her new word. It is fathomless. Ariana's like, you in danger, girl. How fathomless is the danger though? Is it fathomless? Really? Fathomless?

Like wow, you just can't like fathom that happening. She goes, yeah Tom, that's what fathomless means, okay. It was not fathomful. And I'm gonna use it 37 more times this season until it catches on. Yeah, cause I think she used it last week when she was talking with Lala, which is fighting with Lala.

Fathomless. Fathomless. You and Fathom, girl. I've never heard that before, but I'm going to crack up. And I know that Bravo fans are going to start being like, that is fathomless. That's fathomless. I mean, I've heard fathomless, but I just never heard it on this show and never heard it so consistently. I've never heard it used like that.

But that's, you know, my own thing. I just like whenever they learn something new, they have to say it so consistently. I've never heard it used like that. But that's my own thing. I just like whenever they learn something new, they have to say it 10 times. It's like when you meet a new person, you have to say their name like 10 times to get it down in your head. Maybe she's just like really into nautical terms now.

I can only drive this boat. So many fathoms. Okay, so Sandoval's like, okay, well we're not the same people, obviously. I mean, I was in love with somebody who was never gonna love me the way I needed or deserved. And I felt it probably deeper than this man will ever feel anything in his life.

Yeah, well, I'm trying to learn things and grow. Well, then stop explaining yourself and just like move differently. Say it from your chest, bitch, fathomless. and growl. She's just, well then stop explaining yourself and just like move differently. Say it from your chest, bitch. Fathomless. You in danger, girl. I'm doing the best that I can. Ow. I just got electrocuted. Flower, left a flower there for you. That was a flower. Someone's going to believe me before the end of this episode. She literally said you're in danger, girl, and you touched the flower, what else can we do?

We warned you. I'm doing the best I can, okay? She goes, really, by like having like parties here? He goes, Katie, you know what people are doing to me? They're being like, like really Tom, a blue shirt today? You know how bad that looks, Tom? Really Tom, you took a shit on the floor of the Belmont, Tom?

Ooh, Tom, you're bad. Really Tom? You took a shit on the floor of the Belmont, Tom? Oh, Tom, you're bad. Really, Tom? You had an affair with your girlfriend of 10 years? Wow, that looks so bad. People look ridiculous. Kitty's like, They're just picking it like every little thing, bro. Okay, so you don't think there's a problem

with having random strangers in this house with the person you're cohabitating with? It's giving audacity. It's giving. That's her other thing that she learned. It's giving. So he's like, just give me a little bit of grace. Okay. And she goes, no. Yes. Bueller's investigating something back there, by the way. It's hilarious. He is. Investigating something back there by the way. It's hilarious. He is Bueller's poking around behind the sofa

Now Bueller's looking guilty all guilty at Ronnie like I wasn't looking I Was just I was sitting here the whole time. I don't know what you saw Huh weird. Okay. Well, well, we'll just have to give a good eye on that. You in danger, girl. You in danger. Fathomless. I'm here trying to take accountability and I was also, by the way, I was also remorseful at the reunion, remember? Let me see a clip of you going.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to take you guys outside I'm sorry and they're like shut the fuck up Tom. Yeah shut up you fucking loser. They said them just all at the same time yelling at Tom. So funny. You know what the off goes bro. So then we cut back and he's like, and it's still not good enough for Katie Maloney. So he just goes, I'll try and stay out of the way. She goes, um, yeah, just give her more decency and respect Tom. And he's like, okay, well, I guess at some point we need to have a conversation. Yeah. The conversation is she wants to sell the house, Tom.

Well, the balls in her core to sell the house, Tom. Well, the ball's in her court. This was a great, this was a great Katie episode. Yeah, she really, she really did not let him do any of his manipulations. And she's, he's like, well, the ball's in her court. So see you around, have a good day. You look good, by the way. She's like.

So then, Sandoval journals. I count with those fucking fake journaling things. Because he's gonna publish, he's doing this, so he's probably gonna publish it and be like, a year in the life of being America's least favorite person. My god. Dude. Dude.

So Schwartz comes in. Dude, a day in the life. Schwartz comes in, he's like, what's up, are you journaling? Are you habituated? He's like, oh, every day almost. Look, this was April 5th, bro. That's when it started.

Is habituated also a buzzword this episode? Isn't that like the second or third time we've said habituated this recap? The person you're habituating with, or cohabitating with, maybe not. So Santa Vol's like, Rachel, cutting off from me, like that causes pain that comes from like in waves, like me journaling and not drinking. Like a way to connect with in a way because I knew she was journaling and she wasn't able to drink. Oh, God.

So look at these pictures. I got there. So look how happy we are the pictures. And he's telling us that, you know, poor him. He just really wanted to be in a healthy place to connect with Rachel. But now I'm figuring out that that might not ever happen. Oh. I was like, Oh yeah.

You were so sad yesterday when you were sending the 20 year olds over from peace. Exactly. From the see you next Tuesday party. So he does your fucking bachelor party. He does his classic thing. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like, sorry, are you okay? And he's like, sorry, dude. It's just like I looked at those pictures and I was like, I, I will never spend time with her again. Hold on. I'm writing that in my journal. Dude, I just realized in the closet, I will never spend time.

I forgot what I was talking about. Say something meaningful Schwartz. Hold on. I shit at Belmont. Listen, listen, you're not, you're not Scott. Okay. He's like, I'm sorry. Santa Claus like, you know, it's just like, I'm being treated like I'm Scott Peterson and this is going to linger like I'm Scott Peterson. He goes, dude, you're not Scott Peterson.

Wait a minute. Didn't Scott Peterson murder his wife? Originally. We don't know. Way to get out of the slime bag, Clint. I know. I mean, Scott Peterson's totally innocent over there. God, I've never seen you like this. You're really dumb, brother.

You know what? We need someone with more expertise in this area. Someone who's been through this. Someone who's already a big piece of shit that has a face that looks like it was stuck in a bucket of wax. I know just the person to call. Smashing.

So then, let's see, the gang arrives and it's for this party, right? So the Toms are still there, so they're saying hi to people as they come in. And Ariane is like, okay, get the fuck out, fucking losers. So now they're going to save this season by playing Never Have I Ever. I know.

And who's cheated on their partner more than once. And Ali just goes, drink James, I've seen your charts. And then there was a talk about like, there was something about like, who's had a threesome but with two dudes and Brock raises his hand, he's like, but I wasn't involved, I was in the same room and the two dudes were actually both kangaroos. So,

you know, it's a whole different situation in Australia. You know, I got all excited when he raised his hand. I was like, yes, my dream, my dream has come true. Um, and she was like, um, I think I was more of an orgy situation. Yeah, it was with an A-list and I did it too. It was with an A-list celebrity. Once upon a time my body was on Wonderland. I'll just say that.

Do people still brag about being a job mayor? I think so. I think so. It just sounds like one time I like jumped into a pit of dirty needles. Is that sexy? Does anybody want to picture that and jerk off to it? It gets you a step closer to Taylor Swift.

Like, listen, I'm like, hey, Ron and I were at the same award show with Taylor Swift's boyfriend. I mean, he wasn't there in person, he was on a video screen, but you know, it counts. We're basically best friends with Taylor Swift. Oh, so the next day, super fun night, as we can tell by the two questions of never have I ever. The next day, Lala's like puffing up a pillow,

Tom's waking up, Sheena's giving summer medicine, and then guys night. Okay, so the guys go to guys night, and Tom is dressed in some kind of Charlie Brown pattern, but like in the Beetlejuice Willy Wonka, I'm not sure, it's like a crazy Johnny Depp character. He just looks great gray. And we find out that tonight is the night that Joe is with Allie. Cut to Joe and and Ali. By the way, you're like Sagittarius rising, same as James, which makes so much sense

because you've got like so much energy for days. Like I don't know where y'all get it. Yeah, yeah. We just like can't stop. Yeah, it's like so fun. Like I have the best time ever. It's like we can't stop. It's sort of like, it's like me and Charlie Neal

in a good day. Before the sewer. Your son is in your eighth house. Yeah, cause I'm like. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. It's my house. I'm living in eight. My house is made of two circles sitting on top of each other. At first I thought my house was a snowman

and then I was like, it's an eight. It's where I live. Yeah, so the eighth house I call the haunted house and that's where like psychics and mediums live and you're like a light at the end of the tunnel for a lot of people. You're like the thing people see before they die. You're the light. It's you. die. You're the light. It's you. I see in your chart that you're a human babadook. Okay, well that sounds fun. I love the babadook. I don't know what the babadook is, but I heard he has a top hat, which is what I tried to get to Charlie, so it all comes full circle. Yes! So we cut back and Brock's like, oh you're hooking up with Joe. That's everyone's question.

And Schwartz is like, well, last summer, we had a whirlwind romance. You know, last summer when I said that we weren't dating at all and we're just roommates, totally get away with completely lying about now. But we're just friends. Yeah. And so James is like, so she's your girlfriend.

And Tom's like, no, dude. And she's like, I don't want to be with anyone right now. Well, so she's your girlfriend. And Tom's like, no, dude. And she's like, I don't want to be with anyone right now. Well, does she know that? Yes. And then- I want to make it very clear to her and make the boundaries very clear, which is just why I took her on a date to Echo Park

to ride the swans together in the lake. So it's the back to the reading. It's funny that Schwartz is a Libra because he's activating your house of friendship and community. And like, this almost proves to me that this is actually a friendship bond. It's like, it's such a friendship bond that I can like go back to Katie and tell her like, actually, they're just friends. So it's okay that I spent time with you tonight and she won't ice me out.

Sound of Pac-Man dying. Yeah, but I see a lot of people who date where their house, their spouse activates that. And so your spouse should be your best friend. So there's that. Mario just jumped on a flag. That's right. That's right.

Oh, you know, a lot of the girls, especially Katie, they just really don't like Joe. Yeah, I think that's like bullshit. Like Joe and Rachel happen to be the only two girls you've hooked up with, and Katie's got a problem with both of them. Uh. I'm like, please don't link Joe with Rachel

because I just said how much I liked. I like Joe. It's not fair. Also because I just said how much I liked Joe. It's not fair. Also, I liked that Sound of All just kind of outed him for hooking up with Rachel. That's true. Because that was unknown information, wasn't it? True, true.

I mean, unless they're counting that kiss. Does that kiss count as a hookup? I don't know, but wasn't that supposedly fate? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, these people are such fucking liars. I don't know, but wasn't that supposedly faked? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, these people are such fucking liars, I can't tell. So Ally's like, um, I just want you to know that like, yes, I'm friends with Ariana and yes, I'm friends with Katie,

but at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing and that's all you can say for the life of the poor. And I want you to be welcomed in this group because you were casted and we're younger than everybody else. So we got to stick together. Surely they're on their way out soon, right? Yeah, it's just like, it's like really, it's really hard, you know? Like when you're called an anorexic crackhead whore.

It's kind of not easy when you're called that, you know what I'm saying? Huh? And then we see the tweet that Katie made. It says, Joe's spooky. I mean, none of us could stand to be around her. Her energy is on par with a crack head. She's a psycho. And I will also light her on fire with Rachel.

Like I had to like, like I had my mom, I had to like, my mom was asking me like, did you do crack? And I was like, mom, no, I didn't do crack, okay? This is just like me, 10 cc's of Joe in you. Woohoo! Positive energy! RIP Charlie.

So then Schwartz was like, well it's not like I'd be embarrassed to be in a relationship with Joe. Joe's the shit and by the shit, I mean, her crack is so good. It's just I don't want to date anyone for a long time. You know, not that I'm clinging to the glory days or anything. But man, back when we were West Hollywood and had six packs, or at least packs, you know, some kind of packs. packs, you know, some kind of packs. We did have stomachs, right? Six pumps of coconut. So we see clips of that, and then we see a big freakishly big man, which means, you know, this was like some weird fish islands that they were using

coming through the bar and we see a girl see whoever it is. And they're freaking out. Oh, my God, look what it is. And it's Jack's. Jack comes and takes a they're freaking out like, oh my god look who it is! And it's Jax. Jax comes and takes a seat and Sandim was like, oh and they're like, oh my god it's Jax, it's Jax! So he, Jax like hugs everyone and Jax is like, Jax is ready to have his big comeback scene, his big victory lap here. Yes and so James Tim's like, all right, you look good, man. Working out. And he's like, yeah, man, you know, raising kids, living life, being a dad.

I'm a dad. You know, open a bar called Jax's. A bar only a dad can own, because I'm a dad now. It's in Studio City. It's a bar. I have it. I own a bar. Yeah, Jax's.

And Tim was like, nice, man, that's cool. And Sam was like, nice man, that's cool. And Brock's like, well, you know, if you need some advice, I know a couple of guys who have been to the bar. And Jax is like, yeah, no offense, but I wouldn't ask for advice about opening anything for these two. Come on, you know. I'm like, sir, you are having free cocktails

right now, courtesy of the guys who just just, so maybe pretend to take some advice. And Tom just looks at the camera like, dude, what the hell? He's always felt some sort of competition with me, which I've like never understood. And then we see like flashbacks of them over the years, which is so funny. I sort of forgot what it was like when they were like besties, because it's actually been a few years now since we've seen them together. They also look like such babies,

especially Tom Sandoval. I mean, he looks like he's 10 years old in most of those clips. So Sandoval's like, it's just unfortunate because we were best friends. And then we see clips of like, dude, you got me a samurai. I got you a samurai sword signed by Randy Jackson, dude. And he's like, but as time went on,

I finally understood that nothing makes Jax happier than celebrating other people's failures and misery. Why did time need to have to go on for you to realize that? Like, isn't that something you should realize right out the gate like the rest of the world? Yeah. And Jax is like, yeah, so what's up with you, son of all? I mean, you look better,

because I'm not gonna lie, not gonna lie. Not gonna lie. Hate lying, hate liars. But I saw a picture of you on social media recently and I was like, Wally cow, this guy looks like he's 50 years old. Like, yes, you're not wrong. Jacks, Jacks. But you're also a pot.

Jacks, you look like a dreidel right now. Let's relax. Yeah. I'm like a dreidel right now. Let's relax. Yeah, you're not looking like a spring chicken yourself there, buddy. So Tom just keeps staring at the camera, which cracks me up. He keeps giving the B Arthur look right into the camera, like, seriously?

Seriously, seriously? Hi, I'm back too. So Jax is like, yeah, I mean, it seems like you look better. I mean, minus the white polish. I mean, we've got to get rid of that. You can't wear a white polish. It's gray, dude, I'm back too. So Jax is like, yeah, I mean, it seems like you look better. I mean, minus the white polish. I mean, we gotta get rid of that. You can't wear white polish. It's gray, dude, it's gray. Not gonna lie, huh?

Not gonna lie, okay? Not gonna lie, I've heard what's been going on and stuff. I've been hearing the stuff. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, I know, bro, because you can't shut up about it. I mean, Jax started a podcast to talk about the sound of all. Yep.

Come on. And it's when reality hits the podcast and we hear a clip from it and Jackson's like, you know, so bizarre, like, I'm not gonna lie. It's like the tone deafness, you know what I mean? Like the lack of empathy, like the selfishness, like, are you mad, dude? Are you mad, dude? I'm a dad, which rhymes with mad, but I'm a dad and you're not. So I went kind of win this one, right? Like I can't stop talking about it. The whole world can't stop talking about it. I know what you did was wrong, but what I did was wrong too. What I do is wrong. What? Maybe what I did was wrong.

But what you did was wrong was wrong too. Yeah. And he's like, it's short. It's like, all right guys, but let's just come come on, raise your hand if we if you've ever fucked up in your life, come on. And everybody raises her hand except James James is like, um, at least I'm not old. I'm a good little boy. Listen, I'm a good little boy. Maybe I fucked up in some people's opinions, but at least I'm not old and washed up. All right, I'm just gonna watch old people fight right now. Yes, I'm not fat and ugly and American. And listen, I would raise my hand, but it's been electrocuted to death by the flowers on my hedges. Get no money. I've got George Michael for a golf father. So good luck. Good luck with you lot. I'm a good boy this season. So I haven't fucked up at all. So Jackson Jackson's not stop. He's just like, yeah, well, you know what, the only had a problem I had with the situation. Santa ball like you just couldn't like not gonna lie, not gonna lie, bro.

But like you just couldn't like tuck your tail between your legs and like own up to it. You know, like you got to own up to it, bro. It's like a humbling experience, you know, says Jackson. So, uh, Santa ball is like, yeah, you only have something interesting to say when you're talking to me. Yeah, you think, you think you don't have to humble yourself a bit? You think you don't have to humble yourself a bit? He's like, um, I don't have to humble myself to you, dude. I don't owe you that, homie.

Yeah, well, I'm just, you know what? Just, I can ask you these questions. I can ask you these questions. Why can't I? I can ask you questions. Yeah, but I don't need to give you answers. You've been relentlessly talking shit about me. He's like yeah but the whole world asked. The whole world asked. Like who hasn't? Who hasn't? The whole world asked. That's who. The whole entire world. He's like oh god. Schwartz is like oh no this is bad. Oh man I can't believe

when I brought on someone to give the tough love to Tom that I was too afraid to do That it would turn out so badly. Oh no When the whole world was talking about you that I dogpile on you, bro And he goes yeah, yeah, you did you call me out on a bunch of shit? I mean, you're not a friend at all. He goes. Oh, yeah. No, I didn't he goes. Uh-huh. And guess what? You're me seven years ago. Huh? So suck it. You're even worse than me.

You're even worse than me. Cut to recent news. Jack's cheats on Britney nine million more times as Britney leaves him. I love him. And he's like, yeah, well, at least I'm not where you are, you know what? Because I own my shit and I've worked my ass off to get where I am. Where are you? You're in the same place you were before you just you're open up a bar that literally no one is gonna go to if they have any self-respect

So sand of all is like by the way, I thought it was funny that like when sand of all said, you know When the world was talking like what when when everyone was coming for you Jack said I dogpile on you and he's like yeah you did because you called me out on a bunch of shit It's like well, that's different than talking shit on a podcast. And also the truth is by the time this, but by the time our episode, we dropped this episode, the Valley will have already aired.

And Jack's on the Valley just has a tirade about, that's what friends do. They go there. They say, they give you the tough love. They dive into the hurt spots, man. That's what friends do. And now he's like, yeah, you called me out on shit. You called me out Literally the same night Vanderpump rules. Oh my god Terrible terrible terrible person this guy terrible

I mean it makes you almost stand up for Tom Sandoval It does in a way just because it's like this horrible like Jackson's worse than anybody. I know I don't know what to do anymore. But yeah, this whole episode was a mindfuck. It really was. But a good one. Good episode. Yeah. Well, thanks everyone for being here. What a delight. We stay tuned for the valley with that recap will be up shortly

and we will be back with summer house later this week in our bonus episode so we will talk to you later bye everyone bye watch what crap ins would like to thank its premium sponsors ain't no thing like alice and king ashley savoni she don't take no baloney. Strolling the park with Kaitlyn Clark. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Hitchels. Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trickles. She's never scary, it's the green fairy. Jamie, she has no less namey.

Hava Nagila Webber. Know your worth with Jason Kurtz. She's the wind beneath our Jennifer Wing. Zip some scotch with Jessica Trotch. She's always supplying, it's Kelly Ryan. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg.

The Bay Area Betches, Betches. And our super premium sponsors. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy M.D. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Kaitlyn O'Neal. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall.

She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony. Junie, my favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. We love him madly, it's Kyle Podshadley. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender. We wanna hang with Liz Lang! The incredible, edible Matthew Sisters. Give him hell, Miss Noelle!

She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke! Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony! Let's take off with Tamla Plain. She's quite the catch, it's Victoria Kochet. She ain't no shrinkin' Violet Coutar! Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch Our Crap and ad free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.