Watch What Crappens - #2364 Summer House: This Season Is In Tents

Episode Date: March 22, 2024

The gang camps out in the backyard on Summer House (S08E05), Craig returns to the show, and Lindsay reveals some very personal information about Carl. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello and welcome to Watch Your Crap In's, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the one and only hilarious Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie. How are you? Hello. Hi, welcome to your summer house recap. Are you excited today?

I sure am. I can't wait to talk more about alcoholism and toxic relationships. Bravo's just shoving it down our fucking throats lately with alcoholism and toxic relationships. And I'm here for it. Yeah, we'd love to hear that. Um, you know, we are also here for performing. We'll be, uh, at Netflix as a joke, which, uh, we'll be performing, perform, we'll be doing one of our shows in Hollywood, which is really fun.

We haven't done a show in Hollywood in a very long time. It's gonna be May 3rd at the Kookaburra Lounge. So get your tickets. I think about, you know, it'll be a really good fun room. Really excited for that. And then also we're going to London and we're going to Dublin and we're going to I almost had Edinburgh. Unfortunately not Edinburgh, but we are going to Birmingham.

And that is going to be great. That's going to be late May, our first European shows of all time. Can't wait to saunter about those cities and taking the local culture. So that's going to be great. The tickets are at watch or crappens.com and be sure to join us on Patreon where you can listen to our weekly bonus episode. We're going to be doing a full top chef bonanza this week. We're going to talk about our first impressions of the new season, Kristin Kish, et cetera. We'll also do like one thing that we love doing, which is just going through the cast and making flash judgments, semi flash judgments,

cause we have seen, we will have seen the first episode, but you know, still flashy and it's gonna be great. It'll be so great. Come join us. Okay. But today it's time for some good old fashioned summer house. Summer house. Summer house. Summer house. Summer house. Summer house. Summer house. The adventure continues. Summer house.

So we open up with Lindsay escaping the house because she just got in trouble with Carl and she squeezes between the gates because she can't open the electric gates and is now just walking down the side of the road in the Hamptons. Yeah. And then Carl's just alone in the backyard and everyone road in the Hamptons. Yeah.

And then Carl's just alone in the backyard and everyone's like, oh my God, Lindsay's gone. Where's Lindsay? Did anybody take notes about where Lindsay went? Kyle. It was very summer house the way the news broke about Lindsay's departure. Gabby walked into the kitchen and goes, Lindsay's gone. And then he goes, what? Lindsay's departure. Gabby walked into the kitchen and goes, Lindsay's gone.

And Mette goes, what? Lindsay's gone. What? They probably did that for another 10 minutes. They just edited it out. Edited it out. Yeah, that's very Amanda. So then West is flirting with Sierra and lifting her up.

And you know, he's sweaty and she's pointing it out. She's like, you're damp. And he's like, literally I am. And Amanda's like, Sierra was like, I'm wet. Amanda was indexing really high on the annoyance scale for me this week. I don't know what it was. I just was like, everything's just. Man, she can't win.

If she is happy, she annoys us. If she's sad, she annoys us. Can Amanda win? Can she just have a day where she wins? I know, she just needs to make more guacamole. So then, seriously, you know what? I've really soured on Amanda since she stopped with her guacamole.

I mean, if that's your personality trait, that's like the least toxic trait she has was being the one who made the guac. And I feel like she needs to bring the guac back. You can't just start not making guac and expect me to like you. Who does that? Yeah, she really needs to do that.

So now Carl's in the backyard, he's sitting in a bucket hat, and so he FaceTimes his mom Sharon. He's like, hey there, hey mom, hey Sharon. She's like, you look quite dapper. She's like, yeah, I look great by the way. You look dapper too, in like a mom way. Anyway, yeah, I'm just in the backyard of the summer house.

I know you might've thought I was at the White House still, but no, back in the Hamptons, mom, just me, Carl, your son. Oh, you just look so presidential on your Gilligan hat, honey, I just wasn't sure where you were. Oh, by the way, can you see Lou or is it just me? Do you know how the phone works? Why do mothers refuse to understand FaceTime? Can you see Lou in the, in the picture of your phone lady?

No, we can't see Lou either. If you can't see, we don't have magic screens that we can see Lou in that you can't see Lou. I know. Uh, yeah, I can only see you, which is good enough for me. I mean, I love Lou, but like, I love my mom more. Prettiest woman in the world, huh? That's a shame, because Lou's a real baby arm these days.

Am I right, Lou? All right, Lou, put a pillow over that thing. You never know, Carl might see you. Ha, I can't see him, still. Still can't see him. It's not the way Facebook works, Mom. Love you anyway. You're the best mom in the world.

So what's on the docket for this evening, honey? Oh, we're gonna go camping in our backyard, which is like insane. Oh Lou from off-camera is Lindsay gonna go camping. Haha And then we see Lindsay walking back onto the property listen You guys can make Lindsay sound like as much of a princess as you want, but she was just in the wilderness, okay? She was walking on the side of the road in the Hamptons, alone.

Yeah, it's very scary. So Carl's like, I'm not sure if she go camping. We've been in a tough spot today a little bit. I think we're both feeling really hurt by things that get sad and I get really down and I'm like sad because it's like I try my best to communicate and share how I'm feeling without like trying to hurt her or like make her more upset and like I think that's just like what happened this afternoon. Unfortunately I think I walked upstairs and she was like she was

like tearing up talking to Gabby so I don't know she was like really sad and stuff you know what I'm saying mom? Huh. Hello. She's like, oh yeah, she's so hard. You know, relationships. Lou, keep the pillow on. I'm still on the phone with Carl, you little rapscallion. Carl, did you see that? I hope you didn't see that. It's still off screen, mom.

You just have to look at your phone and if you see Lou, then he's on screen. If you don't, he's not on screen. It's hard to concentrate because he put a TV guide with Valerie Bertmeli on the cover over his private parts. And I keep looking down there and getting excited, but I see Valerie Burt-Mellie standing back up.

Can you see Lou right now, Carl? It's hilarious. No, but I think I heard him say something like hot in Cleveland, more like hot on the Jersey shore for Sharon. I didn't know what that meant. All right, gotta go, Carl. Carl, sorry. go, Carl.

Carl, sorry, sorry, Carl. Wow, mom, wow. Sorry. Sorry, can't concentrate. Baby arms making Valerie Bertinelli's face move. Gotta go, Carl. So Lindsay's in the kitchen and Amanda's like, Gabby was looking for you.

She saw you, she saw that you weren't here. And then I was like, what? And then she said you went for saw you. She saw that you weren't here. And then I was like, what? And then she said you went for a walk. And I was like, what? I know. I like went for a walk. And Amanda's like, so you were just like walking on the side of the road. And he goes, yeah, I almost got hit by a mail truck. Yeah, this mail truck almost hit me. And I was like, are you on coke? Coke ain't mail truck. Was it like Carl driving the mail truck?

It's like that mail truck snorted Carl. Snorted Carl. Why can't I get Carl and Kyle the same thing? Am I on coke? Two times in a row. Wow, I feel like the erasure. So- This is Carly Raescher.

Can you imagine if Lindsay got run over by a mail truck would have been totaled, she would have been alive. She'd be like, what? They just hit me and bounce off of me? So they're like, so Carl was going on, oh, Lou's still on the phone, now Lou's on the phone with Carl. They are still on the phone. Carl's really still just on this mom call.

So Lou's like, so Carl, has this been happening with Lindsay a lot? He's like, well, we did have an argument last weekend as well. And like last night, like we kind of unearth things from like last week. And so it was like an argument last night, but it was an argument like about last weekend that unearthed things about the weekend before. It's like a lot of unearthing. But you know what though, some of that earth that was unearthed was from like the

White House back lawn. So It was pretty good earth. So then Sharon's like, oh well, I'm sorry you're hurt, honey. Okay, Lou's really, he really needs to go. It's becoming an issue with this Valerie Bertinelli TV guide. Okay, we're gonna go for real this time, bye honey. So Carl's like, well, I know relationships are gonna have their ups and downs. Sort of like that TV guide that was popping into view

on the FaceTime there. But I love Lindsay and I don't want to focus on fighting. I just want to move past it. I was just like, can we just like have one fun night? Is it so hard to ask that we just suppress our feelings for one more weekend until we get it to the wedding and then we can have a horrible romance? Is it so much to ask for?

Yeah, I don't understand all this need to express your feelings to each other. I've been keeping things down for years and I'm doing great. Right? Right guys? I'm doing great. So Carl hangs up with them and then Jesse's in the pool with his giant smile like, hey. And Gary's like, why are you like so concave in your chest?

Why? Like, I need, I need to explain to me what's with the concave. I feel like that's not actually a very nice question to ask someone. But I guess he's gotten it so much and he has sort of invited it because he's talked about his dent. He's like, oh, I could hold like a 12 pack in here. Yeah. He's like, God made me this way. And she goes, just like a lot of hair too. It's like one thing to be concave, but it's another thing to grow weeds in your cave. So can you shave that concavity please?

Thank you very much. She does a shot out of his chest. And Danielle has a care package for everyone because they're gonna have an outdoors night and Danielle is gonna make sure we party. Party time with Aunt Danielle. So now it's nighttime and everyone's gonna make sure we party. Party time with Aunt Danielle. So now it's nighttime and everyone's getting dressed, getting ready to do their camping out in the backyard thing.

And West is like, Weston and Sierra flirt some more. He's like, hey, come party. And she's like, what do you mean come party? Do you mean just like hang out? He's like, yeah, hang out, but I wouldn't say that because it's too obvious because now I've got to decode your messages. I've got to waste that time.

It's like, okay, well, then come hang out. And there's like you and America loves them. America loves that. America loves them. So Gabby talks to Lindsey and she's like, Oh, my God, have you guys talked? And Lindsey says, No, I'm just trying to enjoy like what's left of my day here. Like I was this close to death this morning. I mean, seriously, I could have been dead, but I'm here.

And now I'm gonna live life to its fullest. I am putting a stamp on live and I am sending it. Yeah, I didn't realize that like when we send it every weekend, we're gonna almost send it into my foot. So let's be careful with what we send things with. It's like, okay, but like, I don't wanna talk about it either, but like the energy that you guys are putting out is like a poppable, so talk about it, talk about it.

Yeah, but like, who doesn't bite? Like that's like a normal thing in relationships to do. Like I just want to enjoy my weekend and like enjoy Danielle's stupid camping event and like not deal with this like bullshit anymore. Like we're press for press for press, obviously. This is not what couples do, okay? Yeah.

Couple, normal couples do not just come into situations with groups and make everything about them and completely bicker and fight the whole time and involve everybody there in their drama. I know some couples do, but of course it's Lindsay to think like it's totally normal. Yeah. To be right. To be right your partner in front of groups of people and ruin everybody's

weekend every single weekend. What's not normal about that? Yeah. What's, that seems like perfectly fine. Um, eh, like one can make an argument that bickering is normal. I don't even know if bickering, honestly, I don't feel like I see a lot of bickering with the couples that I'm friends with, et cetera. But like full on fighting like this, I don't think that that's normal.

I don't think, and if it is normal, then just also know that you're the couple that everyone doesn't like being around. So like, just be like, yeah, it's like normal. It's like, fine. Well, also just know it's normal that we all can't stand being near you. Yeah. I mean, it's kind of normal on this show, but in general, it's not normal. So Gabby's like, oh my God, the stress of fighting has done detrimental things to my parents. Like I'm supposed to be here finding a relationship. Okay. And I'm like the hunchback of Notre Dame, so.

She's literally ringing a bell on top of the summer house. She's like, I don't know what's happening to me. So now they're getting dressed some more and they're setting up the backyard and they're like, hey Danielle, thanks for setting this up. That's awesome, ah. So Danielle's given everyone gift bags that have like walkie talkies in them

and the bags are like color coded so you got a teammate and everything and it's all very much like that Josh Duhamel show that was on over the summer. What was it, Buddy Games or whatever? So it's stupid and Carl's like, I love that. I think I have like Josh Duhamel shows blocked on my BBR. I think that's just a general, that's a general block for me.

Oh yeah, that's a fair point. Can you do that? So just block, block, search, like certain people. Like I do that on realtor.com. I like to really go on like Realtor and then look for houses and be like blocked. But that's how I feel powerful these days.

I'm like, that house isn't good enough for me. Block. I hate your linoleum. So get it together. You have to block houses. How about we try and update without trying to farmhouse everything. Okay. Well, what do we chip a Joanna?

Blocked. Wow. Block. I end up in there. Cause that's a, cause you push the padma button. Hi, please welcome my dear friend. Not this house. Who does step down living rooms anymore? Block.

Wow. Nice split level. That means there's a landing in between both levels of blocked. Okay, so they're getting ready to do- Not my best work. Let's just keep it moving. That joke has been blocked somehow.

So West is like, so, okay, so they have to, they're playing all these games, they're having competitions, and one of them is competitive tent putting together-ish, or like tent erecting. Tent erecting is a real bitch, I'll tell you that much. I've had so many experiences with tent erecting, I think it's very difficult,

I don't understand those stupid little sticks, and while part of me really has to give credit to whoever engineered this shit, because it is very smart, right? It's like little tubes that you kind of stick together. And then you, I don't know, some people can do it so fast. I'm just, I feel so stupid. I just feel so stupid.

I am so sick of tents. I've had it with tents. I would feel more like it. I don't, I haven't, I can't remember the last time I made a tent. It was probably like eight or nine years ago, maybe 10 years ago, actually. And I know there's like that time I made a tent, it was probably like eight or nine years ago, maybe 10 years ago actually. And I know there's like that moment where you feel stupid,

but especially soul crushing when you're like in the backyard of a mansion and you could just be in the mansion instead. No, because that's, you know, you're like, oh look, look, we're seeing what it's like to like live in a tent city or whatever it is. Like we're good people. But let me tell you. I don't know if that's exactly the tent experience they're going for, but.

Well, whatever. But the last time I did it was with the lesbians. They always do stuff like that with me. They're like, Oh, you know, it'd be fun to watch Ronnie put up a tent. And I know they're just like sitting there making me do it because they're like on lesbian TikTok-tock or something taking videos of me and then everybody's like laughing at Uncle Fester over there and not knowing. Like, hey, Ronnie, are you putting together that tent? You having fun here? Catch these keys. You're like, fuck this tent.

Block. Like it's still there, Ronnie. No, no, I'll try it again. You can't block lesbian tents, Ronnie. Stupid. Lesbian tents are unblockable. Please welcome my dear friend, a lesbian tent. She's a bestselling author, and now the host of her new cooking show,

Tents for Tipples. Please welcome Joanna, the tent. It's an activist show. Tents for Tipples, Tipper Gore, who isn't a lesbian, Joanna, The Tent. It's an activist show. Tipper Gore, who isn't a lesbian, but her name is close to Tipple. So, Tipper, what do you think of lesbians? Please welcome, what two-time second first lady because she was a vice president's wife, and lady who didn't like rap music, and my dear friend, Tipper Gore.

Welcome, tell us about your tent. So they're putting together these tents, and Lindsay's really good at it, because she's very controlling, and that's how you have to be with tents. You have to be like, no, you hold this stick. Now I'm putting the stick through there. Now you get your stick through this, you stupid!

That's how you put together tents. I've never seen somebody put together a tent peacefully, except of course the lesbians, who somehow just speak this language to each other. Tent language. They're like twins, nobody can hear them speaking. They just like give each other a nod, like a grave nod, and then suddenly they're putting sticks through holes

perfectly and getting it all together into. Anyway, I'm sorry, it's not all lesbians, it's my lesbians, you know? Yeah, no, it's like, it feels like an extension of arts and crafts. I feel like a lot of lesbians that I know, you say hi to them and they're like, oh look, I just crocheted an owl.

And so it's sort of like tent built, posting a tent is sort of in that same style. You have to stick something in and weave it through. It's like a big version of crochet. Okay. So West loves, he's teamed up with Lindsay and he loves it. He's like, if a plane crashed

and I had one person to choose to survive in the wilderness with, it's Lindsay. Because she'd be like yelling at me for the kindling I brought back. I'm gonna be like, we're gonna make it. Hopefully she would give you a haircut because you were too old for that haircut. That was a high school child's haircut

and I needed to change. And also trim your mustache because you know what? I've realized I really, really like West. And now I care about West because I've decided that I liked him and now I need to help him. The mustache is too long and your hair is stupid. Please change it because I really like you and get a job. I'm okay with his look.

That's kind of his thing. He's sort of shaggy and little hipster-y. It's the push forward curly hair that teenage boys have. Why are you okay with it on a 40 year old, but not a teenager? I don't know. I didn't notice, I didn't really think of it that way. That's probably gonna ruin it for me. I'm gonna have to see how I feel next week. Yeah it's that

teenage boy hair where they just like push forward their bangs and curl they curl their bangs and then push them forward. Yeah puffy bangs. So they're doing this they're making tents they're they're racing around the guy got sleeping bags again they're sleeping bags and it's exciting and Kyle wins! sleeping bags. Again, they're sleeping bags. And it's exciting. And Kyle wins. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappence commercial. Hey, grownups. The Cat in the Hat cast is a new podcast from Wondry, perfect for the whole family. Join the Cat in the Hat and your favorite Dr. Seuss characters as they get whisked away on a new adventure every week. Fish dreams of creating his very own polite and quiet podcast. That is, until he gets a surprise visit to his fishbowl podcast studio from the cat in

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you'd learn that that's the sciency term for eardrum. We embark on a hyperlink roller coaster as we start out on a Wikipedia page and go from link to link to link to link, careening through trivia, oddities, and unexpected connections until we collectively shout, how the hell did we get here? Follow Wicky Hole on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Wicky Hole ad free by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. You can listen to Wiki-hole ad free by joining Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple podcasts. So now we go to Carl sitting in a chair and Lindsay comes over and is like, did you find

your canteen? And he's like, oh, I did not. She's like, oh, do you want me to scout it out? It's like, oh, it's okay. It was just like full of regular still water, like a normal canteen. Oh, so glad we're like in love again. And we just like patch this up by just repressing issues. That was such a good water joke. Yeah. Water in a canteen. That's hilarious. Yeah, I hope you find it because you've got a half cotton mouth right now. You're totally high, I think. I love when you joke like that. So, yeah, they're like back to it. And so now, I think we should play a traditional game. Spin the bottle, Kyle. So now we're spinning the Loverboy because...

Yeah. I noticed how that made me instinctively yawn. That was not even intentional. That was not even an Andy Cohen to direct passive aggressive yawn. I literally started to yawn the moment you said we have to play a traditional game. I was like, okay.

And Loverboy. It's like mixing all the things together, mixing just all the boring things together. So it's spin the bottle, spin the bottle with raunchy dares. So mandelix thought Kyle's inner thigh and then Jesse has to take off his shirt cause he can't take off his pants cause he's not wearing underwear.

And then two people have to kiss. So Sierra and West kiss, which is like really cool. Cause America loves it. And then Kyle, I'm just gonna say that every time we talk about them. Cause America loves it. And then Kyle, I'm just gonna say that every time we talk about them, because America loves it. America's so into Weston Sierra. They're unblocked. Kyle Lindsay have to do, they run around the pool.

He's got, he has no pants on, she has no top on. It's raunchy. It's raunchy and wild. Making out, you know what, I'd like to see a game on here where they do adult things, where they're like, okay, spin the bottle. Whoever this lands on has to find three tax breaks in under five minutes. Whoever this lands on has to fix the shelves in the closet.

Whoever this one lands on needs to set up auto billing for our electric bill. Oh, I have so many tasks to do. I need to, okay. I need to source up. Okay. Ronnie, I have a crafty question for you. I keep my utensils. I don't keep them in a drawer. I keep them in like a caddy because I've just to open up more drawer space to put other things in the drawer. So it's like a little caddy on the countertop. So it's all the, all the utensils in there, maybe in flatware.

And the thing is it's kind of porcelain and every time I put like a knife in there and like sort of like drops down to the bottom, I'm always afraid it's going to ultimately crack that porcelain. And I'm wondering, I would like to put some sort of cushioning in there like maybe is it like you think felt a nice circle of felt would be good what do you think because the silverware would occasionally have driplets or droplets on it and then it would get the felt nasty I would get that liner for cabinets that that you put under glasses under glassware like contact paper no, it's rubber.

Oh, oh yeah. It's like you see it at bars that goes on top of bars. Yeah, totally. Yeah, look at that. That's super cheap. Thank you. I knew you'd know. Thank you.

I use one of those caddies too sometimes when people are over because I live in a farmhouse, so I can be like, guys, let's have dinner. Here's a farmhouse caddy. And it has all the forks. Everyone's like, oh my God, that is so smart. Pass me your mason jars. I'm like, I'm from a farm, guy. This is a Chip and Joanne farmhouse caddy and it has all the forks. Everyone's like, oh my God, that is so smart. Pass me your mason jars. I'm like, I'm from a farm, okay.

This is a Chip and Joanne farmhouse caddy for silver. But it was really helpful. And then they're like, why is it all plastic? I'm like, shut the fuck up. We're in the country. Okay, so truth or dare. And Jesse has called somebody over from Raya. Yeah.

To get back, because he's apparently not gonna get laid in this house. Yeah. And so now he does this whole spiel of like, oh, you know, I'm hoping to meet a girl who really makes me not care about any other girls. And right now I feel like I'm looking for other girls and I would love to, for all that noise,

be like, shh, but maybe that doesn't go away maybe I just need to go away and get ready and I'm not ready I'm like okay so this is like the the fuck boy monologue where you see like a tender soul looking for love but you're just not there yet but he's addicted to put a day and that's what he says because the way he describes it is like I describe food noise, you know, when I, and I talk about it all the time because I love talking about food noise. That's what I love. Bring it to funk, bring it to food noise. That's my Broadway show. Okay. And I was just talking about it with Ben, like how, you know, there's food noise there and

it's like drug noise. Like I'm just, you think about it all day long and so I understand Jesse a little bit better now because he's not addicted to M&Ms he's addicted to vaginas so I guess it's the same thing I'm so glad sometimes that I'm addicted to the things I'm addicted to and not like vagina I feel like it's so much easier to get M&Ms. Listen with Jesse he's lying to himself because he's telling this whole spiel about how he's just looking for a girl that makes him not want to look at any other girls. But if you're leaving your friends, like you have something that you're doing with your friends and it's like a friend activity and you're leaving it at like 10 PM because there's a girl two

minutes away, you're not looking for your girlfriend at that moment. You're looking for ass. So stop lying to us and acting like you're on a search for the one. You're just looking for a nut. Well, but you never know. Maybe you'll fall in love with that nut. Well, that's what you tell yourself. That's what you tell yourself.

But it's really just... We're gay people. What are we talking about? We're the biggest sluts in the world. I know. That's what I'm saying. But it's really just- I don't know, we're gay people, what are we talking about? We're the biggest sluts in the world. I know, that's what I'm saying. I'm speaking from experience. I remember in my Grindr hookup days, it was always like, I would always tell myself like, yeah, this would be like a fun hookup,

but also like, what if this winds up being a boyfriend? Like, it's not, it's not. It's a hookup, it's a hookup. It's not, if you, it's just, that's just not the way it works. Well, I've been listening, I just want you to know. And not, if you, if you, it's just, that's just not the way it works. Well, I've been listening. I just want you to know.

And I will marry you M&Ms. Okay, so Jesse, Jesse is wasted. I support that. And the Uber comes to get him and he sees his Uber and he's like, hey! Yeah. So you've never seen an Uber before?

Was it the girl in the Uber or was it just the Uber there to pick him up? I don't, was it the mail truck? The mail truck's back. He's like, Lindsay's in there. Don't tell anybody I told you. I left the back gate open. Run her over.

She's in tent number two. Lindsay just sees the glimmer of a poster tube coming around the corner. Oh my God, it's back. Oh my God, it's the. Oh my God. It's the Eagle Bonds. I'm here to kill me. Dun dun dun dun dun dun. She's being stalked. So anyway, so Jesse leaves and Gabby goes inside and they all go to sleep and everything. They're all in their tents and stuff. And West and Sierra are in the same tent and his leg is like on her.

And she's like, you've got like a heavy leg. And I like that butt. And she slaps the butt and we all laugh because you know, America loves it. And so then they're just like in tents and it's like cute. And then we go to Amanda and Kyle, this loveless marriage continues to crumble with Amanda saying, don't touch me, you're hot.

I was like, okay. It's too hot to be touching me. And Amanda's also doing electric toothbrush in the tent. Yeah, what was up with that? If people can go inside to pee, you can go inside to brush your teeth. I think that's how little she wants to kiss Kyle, that she's just gonna go lie there with toothpaste all over her mouth.

You know, you're going to have to spit it out. Like you're going to leave the tent. Some of us will just do it in the bathroom. So we keep thinking something's about to happen because they show everybody going to their tent and they show everybody kind of getting ready for bed. And then they show the sun turning to the moon. Then they show it raining. Then they show one person start to get up. And then it was just a lot of nothing happening is my point.

I thought there was gonna be some drama, but no, it just rained and a lot of people were inside. And so now it's morning. I like that it rained on Danielle's events. I felt like that was appropriate. And Gabby, I don't know, it's morning now, so they're doing morning things. And Amanda was like, you know what, Kyle?

It was really nice to see Lindsay and Carl getting along last night, Kyle. I wish we slept in the tent the whole time. It wasn't great waking up to all that water, but it was like nice waking up to all that light, right? Speaking of waking up in the light. I was like, oh God, she's going to ruin light, isn't she? She's ruining it. I can already tell. Can we move

to New Jersey? It's the only place with natural sunlight, Kyle. What was this bullshit? Well, I feel like if I'm in light, I'll be a lot more fun and that could like fix everything. I'll be Amanda 2.0 in the light. I love that she's using fuck boy language against her ex fuck boy. Amanda, I hate to break it to you. You're currently in a house which has a lot of natural light

and it's not helping anything. Also, just to warn everybody who's thinking this is a good idea, I wake up to the sunlight every single morning and I'm still a bitch. I'm probably a bigger bitch than ever, okay? I'm a moody, moody bitch. It doesn't help. It doesn't help. I doesn't have to say,

I used to have a, I used to be in an apartment where my bedroom faced East and that son would come pouring in first thing in the morning and it was like literally the worst thing in the entire world. So I think it's a little overrated. I don't stay in bed long enough for it to pour in. Like I, I come up, my eyes open right when the sun starts to come up. Cause in the country, like it's so quiet out here and you really hear the world coming to life.

It's like right at, I don't know, what time is it, like six something. You hear like tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. And then you hear like a worm making its way through the grass. And then you hear the first truck in the neighborhood turning on. And then you'll hear like a worm making its way through the grass. And then you'll hear the first truck in the neighborhood turning on. And then you'll hear the first drip of coffee

down the street coming out. Cause it's so quiet. It's like drip, drip, drip, drip. I'm like, I'm ready to go. I love this Maxwell house commercial. Yeah. I'm by ready to go. I mean, that's when I reach under my pillow

and get my cell phone, swipe it open and start reading through Reddit. For two hours. Ronnie was too mean. and get my cell phone, swipe it open and start reading through Reddit. Ronnie was too mean. Ronnie was mean to the earthworm. No, not that kind of Reddit. Everything else. Okay, so let's see. So Amanda wants natural light because she feels, I think what she's trying to say is that she is affected by like maybe she's seasonal affect affectational disaffection, affectational disorder, seasonal. No, what she's trying to say is she doesn't want to live with Kyle anymore.

Period. Kyle wants to stay in the city, keep their apartment because they're also have their office there, which means that's a huge tax write offoff for all of that rent and stuff. That's a huge business write-off. And he wants to stay there because he still wants to go party and live in the city, which I don't blame him, you know? And Amanda wants to go live down the street

from her parents, who Kyle does not want to live right down the street from, because all they serve him is derision, you know? And Amanda's like, don't you want to live next to my parents? I mean, all they do is give you muffins and coffee. It's like, no, I don't fucking want your mom over here side-eyeing me with her dry ass muffins, Amanda. No, I don't.

She's like, but I want to, but if we get a place in Jersey, then you can stay in Manhattan and I can go live in Jersey. So now you just want to leave your husband. Just leave your husband. What are you trying to stay together with your husband for? You don't like him. He's also, let's be honest, he is not a Jersey type.

I think that Kyle moves to Westchester. He is a moves to Scarsdale, moves to Ry or Harrison. He is not going out to New Jersey. That's just not Kyle's vibe. I feel like he'd be fancier. Although Jersey, there's very fancy parts of Jersey. Very fancy. But I think that he still wants, I think he's Westchester or he's like Fairfield, Connecticut. He's like New Canaan or Darien or anywhere. But I just don't think he's,

he's just not Jersey. And she, and so Amanda's saying like, I just want a backyard and I want to sip coffee on my back deck and I want dew on my grass. She's doing this whole romanticized backyard living thing that I guarantee she'll have coffee out there once per year and walk never barefoot in the grass. You know, that little shop of horse. Somewhere that's clean. I had that dream and I have a backyard.

Guess what's back there? Dog shit, okay? Years and years worth piled up on top of each other because I feel like especially people from the city are like, oh, I have a backyard now. I never have to walk the dogs again. And then they just poop. And then you're like, I'll get that later.

And then before you know it, it's the La Brea tar pits back there. Not peaceful. So what you're saying is no backyard barbecues at your place anytime soon. No, there's no going outside. It's horrible air, horrible air. And there's some feathers from a bird.

So now we go to Lindsay and Carl lying in bed and now they seem to be happier. And so Lindsay's like, you know, I thought like overall, last night was like really fun, except for when that like mail truck showed up, but like, how did I like wind up like running naked around the pool with Kyle? Well, it was a game, you know, it was part of the game,

because we were playing this game, and it was called a raunchy dare, and you had that dare. Ha ha ha, raunchy Dare, that's so funny. The fact that we're both laughing about it shows that we're like so in love. We're such a good couple. It's like so funny, we're a great couple. Great couple, I can't wait to marry you.

We'd be so married. And then we can like think back to this day and be like, remember we did like Raunchy Dare? Remember when like you woke up blackout drunk again and couldn't remember what you were doing the night before? That was hilarious. Yeah, it was like a Raunchy Dare. Yeah, so funny air. Yeah. Funny. So great. We're like, I love you. Yeah. You know, like I thought this snapped us out of our funk yesterday. You know, like

we like taking kind of a pause, you know, just like trying to talk about shit and like, let's just like enjoy the environment we're in, you know, like let's enjoy our friends. Right? Right. Right. Yeah. The only way our friends, right? Right? Right? Yeah, the only way our friends could be more enjoyable is if they were snortable, am I right? Wait a minute. What do I say? Hey, by the way, I'm like, I'm sorry that I got so frustrated

and bringing a level that made you uncomfortable. I'm sorry that I got so frustrated with you accusing me of being on cocaine when I've been in recovery and been very proud of this journey. I'm sorry that I got so frustrated by that. I appreciate that and I don't even know how I got to that point, Carl.

And he's like, well, I just hate what happened. I just hate that happened on Friday night, you know? Because I started to realize I'm being annoyed and I'm frustrated and it's probably because I'm tired and it has nothing to do with you being like wasted and knocking over drinks and making critical remarks about me in front of our friends while you're wasted and I'm trying to stay sober. So my bad. My bad. Yeah I mean I probably I just realized I was getting annoyed because it's like I always envisioned myself marrying a girl who wouldn't get

so wasted she would knock over her martini at a public place. But like, you know, sometimes that like doesn't pan out and like, I just realized I should probably just go home, you know, and I felt like I did what I should have to communicate that, but like, maybe I didn't, you know, maybe I, maybe I'm just like a failure, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, we're just like kind of missing each other. You like being high on cocaine, me just like having to deal with that, you know,

I think we're just missing each other. Yeah, she's not getting it at all. Basically. She's like, thank you for your apology, which is so Lindsay. And he's like, Oh, well, I think, you know, basically, what we need to do is keep communicating. Because you know, what would you know what's really making this relationship winning? Our communication. It's killing it.

It is killing it. Yeah, our communication is like so good, so let's stop communicating until we get to couples therapy. Okay, mate. She's like, she's like, yeah, let's just address it all in couples therapy. Okay, we don't talk about our feelings right now. Let's just go back to being happy, happy couple who's got like a, you know, a Cuisinart deal coming through. Yeah.

So now we're in the kitchen and, um, Jesse walks in with a Starbucks for himself, you know, and he starts to massage West and he's like, Hey, does any, anybody want to go work out with me and Carl? Mm hmm. And so West is going to, he's like, Oh, I'm drinking Rose, but I'll do it. So then, uh, they all are going to go off to work out as car like, all right, okay, I'm about to head out the whole soul cycle. Everyone. Which you know, he does like every five seconds,

you not trust Carl. So it makes me not want to marry him. It's just like, listen, I'm not opposed to soul cycle, but I'm just opposed to people who are like really loud about it, you know? Hey, there we are, let me get soul cycling now. That's part of it. We are soul cycling! That's like part of soul cycling is like the screaming out

positivity shit. But no, I mean, it doesn't make you not trust Carl because do you remember that season? Wasn't it Lindsay where he's like, Oh, we're totally together now. Like, it's so great to be together. Let's go to SoulCycle. Oh yeah. Hey, I'm hitting on the yoga check from SoulCycle at the taco, at the taco truck.

Wasn't he hitting or the smoothie truck or whatever it was. I think it was technically, I think they had gone to a Barry's class and then afterwards y'all's bars. And then afterwards he was hitting on, yeah, he was hitting on like a girl's ice cream truck or the taco truck right in front of Lindsay. And then they got into a big fight that night. Yeah. Also smoothie truck. So I would draw. Yeah. I'd be annoyed every time he went. Cause I know what Carl looks for it. Soul cycle. You know, I know what he's doing there. Yeah. I see you, Carl.

I see you, Carl. I see you, Carl. Commercials, here comes one right now. So they go to SoulCycle and the girl at SoulCycle- Hey guys, I'm at SoulCycle now. I'm at SoulCycle. Okay. The girl at SoulCycle is the most SoulCycle girl ever. She's like, guys, welcome to SoulCycle. Today, we're cycling our stalls. Guys, stall it out, cell cycle. Today, we're cycling ourselves. Guys,

sell it out guys. Hey guys, we're going to sell it out. Hey, how's everybody's spirits? I don't care. I care about your soul. There's a difference. Cycle your soul, bitch. Today is about nothing more than yourself. What you can do, what you bring to today. That's all I care about. I don't care if you are going one pedal stroke per minute. You are doing your best and that's what you're here for. You're here for your soul and the soles of your feet will take you to your soul. Now go! So Carl is talking about how working out is 100% the most important thing for him to stay sober, which is good for him I mean, that's so great. When I work out, all I can think about is, there's drugs for this, right?

Like, why am I doing this? There has to be a drug for this. This is the biggest waste of time, and I smell. So I actively start Googling drugs whenever I work out. But hey, you can just. Yeah, everyone has their own way, their own approach, you know? So, yeah, but it's really helpful to me.

Oh, because I've got a crazy brain and I like to sweat it out. So they work out, they do their cycling and then afterwards they sit outside. It's, West is like, so God, think about how good that class would have been if we didn't drink tequila and sleep on the fucking grass last night.

Am I right? Am I right? Carl's like, aw, aw, aw. It was one of the funniest nights we ever had. Wow, I mean, we've had funny nights, but like, wow, that was super fun. And wow, I'm just gonna, hey, I'm in a great mood. I wasn't even fighting in a bad mood half this weekend at all. It was a funny night.

Yeah, bro. And so Jesse's like, so has Lindsay apologized for calling you a drug addict? What's up with that? She apologized yet buddy? And he's like, well, um, if she apologized, I do not recall that. So the answer is no. We just say, I love Carl. Carl's so concerned about his communication. He's like, I thought I had communicated that, but maybe I didn't. And then with a simple question, he can't about his communication. He's like, I thought I had communicated that, but maybe I didn't. And then with a simple question, he can't just say no,

he's like, well, it is possible she may have said that. But according to my memory bank in my brain, I don't have any logs that affect. So I'll just have to call another department inside my head to see if that is actually true. So Sierra's like, well, it's sad for us to watch her accuse you of breaking your sobriety because I think like it's like a very strong accusation. And so, she's like basically, Lindsay's like that because she's a drunk. So, Lindsay gets drunk and then acts like a raging drunk. that's not good, Carl. And he's like, oh, well, what I would say to this

is that the feelings of the aftermath of the thoughts of it are love and so forth. Carl? Are you still with us, Carl? Take a stance? Hold on, let me say something very important. The love I feel for love is thou import thou dust. Thank you.

Yeah. More life. I mean, the relationship that we have is pretty complicated. And so in that respect, while I would have appreciated an apology, what I did get instead was actually thoroughly of something of words. And therefore the words are in such a way that they were fulfilling in some respects. Um, but in other ways, there were phrases and so therefore this is Carl. So Sierra's basically like, she's like, look,

my dad was a terrible drunk and my mom left because she didn't want the kids being exposed to all that arguing. And honestly, it seems a little scary that these two are, you know, planning to get married and are talking about having babies. And the idea of bringing babies into a situation like that is like alarming. Yeah. So now everybody goes back to New York and some, the singer is like, you want the money, baby? That's right. You know who got it. You know who got it.

Then it gets to Carl having lunch with Kyle. So Carl literally know who has the money in this situation. It's like, Hey, you're right. And then a bird shits in the food. Hold on, hold on. Let me, let me, let me get my wallet out. Hold on, it's coming. Hold on, hold on. I'm getting the wallet out. Oh, oh, oh.

Did Lindsay say that to make you have Kyle pay for lunch? Ah, if I remember correctly, I don't recall that, but if she said that, I'm not sure. Perhaps yes. So, sorry, a bird what? What'd you say? A bird shat in their food. I didn't even catch that. What's wrong with me? Yeah, well the plate caught it because the food comes,

because Carl's like, oh, so what is this? They're like, right here, you got some scallops and a bed of lettuces. And then like a drop falls right in. Cousin, oh my God, did a bird just like poop on my food? What? God, I wanna go to nature. The bird was wearing a post office uniform.

It was very awkward. It was like, you know where Lindsay is? Just tell me, just tell me. So now it's Wednesday and we find, we get an update on Danielle because I've been wondering what the hell's Danielle's up to. Like if she kept her other job, her app, her app job, or what she's doing

because she's been acting so unhinged lately. And the past couple of weeks, she hasn't been acting unhinged. Have you noticed that? She's been acting like normal Danielle again. So I guess now that she's back to normal, she's back at the app. Yeah. So that's what we're seeing.

She's like, app, app, app, app, app, app, app. And they're like, hey, so what do you think we should do about social media? She's like, oh, apps. That's what I think. App. What do you think about apps? I love apps. We should totally app it up. She's like, I've got two monitors on my desk. There's a Slack channel going on, Outlook mail and Excel spreadsheets PowerPoint. Okay, thank you. This meeting is adjourned. Oh, pie chart. See you next pie chart. QuickBooks. So then now it's Thursday and we have the return

of page. We haven't seen her in like an episode. So she's in her apartment and she's like, Craig is there. It's like, Hey, what's up? So she's like, I'm just like taking inventory of your stunning, gorgeous, well put together closet. And she's basically dedicated a tiny linen closet to his three articles of clothing he's allowed to have in the apartment. Yeah. He's like, I think it's funny that this is considered a closet in New York. It's like, uh, it's like a, a wall was stabbed. Yeah. It is the wall that you stabbed Craig. I had to convert into a bar in there with some hangers. So she has a page has a call with a real estate agent because she wants to get a

two bedroom apartment and she wants to have space for a king size bed. And she wants to involve Craig but like only I think in an advisory role because this is definitely going to be her apartment, not his apartment. Yeah. So she calls this lady Mia and say, okay, let me tell you my situation. I'm going month to month and I'm not in a huge rush. Also I'm sitting next to a grown man child who actually thinks he's gonna get a closet

in the new place. He's a idiot and a dummy. Please get un-stappable, do you have anything with metal walls? Metal walls, please. Yeah, and she's like, how much are you paying? She's like, $8,500. Can you imagine? Wait, you have to.5 how much are you paying? She's like, $8,500. Can you imagine?

When you have to.5 the amount you're paying, you know what I mean? Like 8,000, I think like with it, you'd be like, I'm paying a couple thousand. When you have to put a.5, that's crazy. That's, how do people do it? What do people do for a living? That's what I wanna know.

How do like 8,500? I mean, I know what Paige does, she influences and she does a huge podcast, like a huge successful podcast. But like how huge and how successful and what, where are you making this money? I want it, I want some. Somebody teach me your magic.

It's wild, like 8.5 for two bedroom in New York City. So she's like, yeah, so my boyfriend is like shaking his head because he lives in Charleston, I know, gross. And he just like doesn't understand what we're doing up here, I think he just only understood the concept of electricity like two days ago. And Mia's like, oh my God, Charleston is not New York. You might want to tell him that Charleston is definitely

not New York, So ask him the last time he had someone poop on his doorstep. Exactly. Exactly. Loser. Yeah. It's so weird when he walks down the street, he just keeps on going a boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Like stuff, Craig. The other day I called an Uber and he asked for a horse. So Mia's like, so is this a place going to be for you and your boyfriend or just you? I was just, wow, you're really putting me on the spot here. Is this Lindsay Hubbard?

I'm just kidding. He lives half the time in Grosville, I mean Charleston, and half the time in the most best place in the world, New York. So technically it's like for the two of us, but like I'm here most of the time by myself, because it's honestly better that way. So yeah, just for me. So is there anything else I need to know about this person? Vaccines are mainly Gatorade.

Craig, that's not, not things she needs to know globally. One time I got a cold and I hit myself on the head and then I have a permanent chicken pox on the back of my shoulder now. Craig, again, not helpful in a real estate search. There's so much fluoride in tap water that last time I got my kidney checked,

they were like, oh my God, did you bleach this thing? It looks amazing. If you look at the moon landing, you can see it's just Amanda's backyard with the Dewey grass in New Jersey. So West is going to the gross lab because why can't boys get manicures? Am I right?

So he goes there with J Bones, hey J Bones. Jesse Solomon is just like, hi, hi. I'm just coming in here to get my smile widened. Thanks for joining me, bro. I know, they've got hooks in his cheeks. And so Wes is like, yeah, Sierra and I did movie Monday, which I don't know if movie Monday is a thing, but whatever, and he basically. know if movie Monday is a thing, but whatever.

Don't take away someone's joy. They're gonna have movie Monday. I know, I really shouldn't. Why am I hating on America's favorite couple? So you could say America loves them. You better pass the ball. America loves them. America loves movie.

Oh, Bobby. America loves movie Monday, okay? So he had his first sleepover with Sierra, but it was like a rated G sleepover. They just like kissed and then fell asleep watching TV. Yeah. Which is weird. But at this point it's weird, right?

How come they're not banging? Tell me the truth. What do you think it is? I don't think it's weird. I think they're both like, she's guarded and he's like being respectful. I don't know,'s weird. I think they're both like, she's guarded and he's like being respectful. I don't, works. No, no, because Austin, how long did that take? Half a second.

I think Austin is just pushy and West is just like, Hey, you know, whatever Austin is pushy or he makes her, he probably made her feel bad about herself in some way and then, um, use that to like somehow have sex with her. So I'm just not used to anybody waiting for anything. I usually have sex before the name. I feel like it's important. There are certain steps that you're supposed to take.

One is just getting sex out of the way. Well, I think that's Sierra's whole thing is that she's dealt with people like Austin. So she's playing the slow game and Austin realizes that he has to, not Austin, I mean Wes realizes he has to like, if he goes too fast, she's gonna be like, gross, you're just like Austin. So he's like trying to create separation

from her past, I think. Okay. So yeah, so they're boring. And so Jesse, not them for not having sex, I just mean this in general. So then they're talking about work and it turns out West doesn't work. Did you know that?

I thought West worked. I thought West was a working sports writer, but apparently he's not, he got laid off. And you know, he's sort of doing the laid off thing in New York City, which is hard. It's hard also with journalism. I'm sure he'll get hired now, now that America loves him. I'm sure he'll, well, I think Sports Illustrated

folded, didn't it? So maybe like Barstool Sports or like The Athletic or I don't know, someone will hire him because he's like popular. With America, who loves him. With America, America loves his tech and sports. I think that everything is being written by AI now, right? I mean, I know that I'm comparing everything

to Realtor.com today, and I'm really sorry, but that's all I've experienced the past two days. But whenever I look in there, I think it's just AI, because I'll be like, welcome to your new luxury bedroom dripping with glamor, overlooking the tree-filled slots of the Bahamas. I'm like, the Bahamas, what are you talking about? Tree filled slots.

I'm looking in Hollywood, you know? And yeah, it's just full of shit is what I'm saying. It's just like very verbose and it's full of terrible adjectives. And it's like some cheap place with the door hinge, you know, like the door like off its hinge, like you're like welcome to the glamor, dripping from floor to ceiling. I'm like, things don, like, welcome to the glamour dripping from

floor to ceiling. Like things don't drip from floor to ceiling. What? Yeah. Yeah. You gotta get it together. So anyway, um, what do you need to say for sports writing? Anyway, all I hear when I turn on sports is Lamar, it's Lamar. What do you think about Lamar? Is Lamar coming? Lamar is being traded to the Lamars. Lamar Odom. So, um, Jesse is talking about how it's gonna be fun to have Paige back this weekend, but they're like, Oh, but you know, her man's going to be here.

Craig is going to be here. And Quest is like, well, are you going to ask Paige if Craig will be your boy or are you just going to chill or whatever and Jesse's like no no I mean like if he doesn't want to if he doesn't want to be my boy that's on him because I'm a nice friendly guy I'm just Jesse Solomon America loves me so the concern is of course that Paige may have told Craig that Jesse was flirting with her and he's like, you know, there's like a small part of me that hopes that this guy

is like chill. Like that because like he could take this the wrong way and like try to be with me and if he's going to be weird about it, like I'll just have to be weird back. And producers like, well, what does that look like for you? And he goes, um, I'd have to hit on page. By the way, I didn't mean Lamar. I meant LeBron, LeBron, LeBron, LeBron. That makes more sense, right? Cause you said Lamar Odom and I was like, no, I don't think so. Isn't that like the Kardashian guy? Yeah. So I had to look it up.

Lamar Lamar Odom just started up a podcast. I believe, I think I saw this with, um, Caitlyn Jenner talking called Keeping Up with Sports. So, um, good to see, good to see the Kardashian Ego system continues to, to expand and flourish. Yeah, sorry. I, uh, that's how much I'm into sports, you know, I got the name wrong. You know, I got the name wrong. Lamar! The broom, the broom, the broom! Okay, so Jesse is like, yeah, I guess I won't flirt with Paige, but let's see if Craig's terrifying.

And you know, Craig is not terrifying at all. But I think, you know, you're no Craig. I think if you're into Craig, it's a very specific type. I don't think that someone else could just come steal you away from a Craig, you know? Craig's a pillow magnate, you know? Just sit out, Craig. What are you gonna just become a pillow magnate?

Yeah, you can't replace that. So even though it is probably the simplest thing to sew, it's just literally a square or a rectangle. Okay, well I don't see you in the Harris Teeter. Well, I will make a pillow. If I decided to make a pillow, I will make a pillow. Maybe that's my next project, a pillow. So it's Friday, and now Craig and Paige

are driving out to the Hamptons. And Paige is like, OK, Craig, if we were dating for like six months and then I told you I believed I was a witch, would you stay with me or would you break up with me? He's like, it wouldn't bother me. Yeah, gross. Like it wouldn't bother you if I was like a legitimate witch. Okay, what if I was like Lindsay Hubbard?

How about that? Gross. Exactly, burn me at the stake, right? I don't even know what a legitimate witch does or is. I feel like I've met so many phony witches over the years who are like, I'm like Wiccan, you know? Hi, I'm Pauline Krakow and I'm a legitimate witch. If you have an issue or a spell that you need, call me Pauline Krakow and I'll help you

out. That's a legitimate witch. Pauline Krakow, America wants to burn me at the stake. America wants to burn me at the stake, but little do they know that they keep me around. I have great things I can do with their feathers and animal paws. Who is Pauline Krakow? I just made her up. So I'm Pauline Krakow, legitimate witch. The idea of legitimate witch. I don't even know what a witch does because I've heard like of the witches from the past it got burned at the stake. And then, you know, we see witches in movies like mean,

mean horrible, scary witches and then like fun, fun, sweet witches like cartoon witches. But I don't know like what is the legitimate witch? Should I be scared? I feel like a legitimate witch. Well, I don't know enough about Wicca or Wiccan, but a legitimate witch, I feel like, I think like a proper witch is supposed to actually do like spells to help people heal and things like that. I don't think that all witches are necessarily evil. I think it's like they, they like burn like natural things. Like are witches good or bad?

Yeah. Yeah, they put like, they put like some like, you know, they get like some roots. They usually get some roots and then like a feather, like a pebble or something and they light them on fire and they cast a spell and that hopefully makes you feel better. So Craig's like, can boys be witches?

Okay, Abracadabra. Boom. Okay, you're dumb. I'm a witch. So she's excited for the weekend. And she's like, I wasn't there last weekend, but we've been having a great time. And he's like, I'm excited to see Kyle.

And she's like, I'm so sick of Kyle. Just kidding. It's hilarious. This was so good to hear me. I don't know if I'm a legitimate witch, but I'm definitely a legitimate comedian. Witch felt. So Lindsay and Amanda are in the same car,

which is awkward, but I love watching these two give it a shot, because they get each other's guts so much. I can't believe, I was waiting for the part for Lindsay to be like, oh my God, Amanda, could you reach that thing in the back seat the way back for me? Okay, hold on, let me take off my seatbelt. Boom, hits a mail truck on purpose

Amanda's just like lodged into the mail truck um through the windshield so um Lindsay's likes on those ain't tonight and Jesse um so uh they're planning something something exciting and and Lindsay says that Carl is gonna be driving out tomorrow because he's really excited for the party tomorrow and he's gonna like, he got a big surprise and he's gonna drive it out tomorrow because the delivery is coming tomorrow. So then Amanda is like, oh wow,

like we've seen Lindsay and Carl so happy before, but I don't even know what's real anymore I mean some of their fights are so dark. Like there's just so much going on. I don't even know what to think speaking of dark It feels so much better if there was sun in Manhattan Would it be better if their fights were in New Jersey? That way the light could banish the dark. All they really need is a backyard.

Some Dewey grass. By the way, Dewey grass is the worst. I don't know where the fascination with Dewey grass is. I literally hate walking on Dewey grass. I don't like walking on Dewey grass. If I want my feet wet, I will walk into a body of water. But if I'm walking on something that's supposed to be dry, it needs to be dry.

I think dewy grass is like everything else that's outside. It only looks good from when you're inside. When you're outside, it's disgusting. People who say they love the outside, I love the outside too, when I'm inside and looking at it. I'm like, isn't that so pretty? Look at the sky. But when I'm outside, I'm like, we're all gonna die. looking at it. I'm like, isn't that so pretty? Look at the sky. But when I'm outside, I'm like,

we're all gonna die, this is disgusting. I'm getting skin cancer. Like why am I out here? Dewey grass is the worst. And I think that like there's this, there is like this type of person that romanticizes it. Like the Caroline Fleming's of the world and now apparently Amanda Petula,

we're like, the feeling of of dewy grass on your feet. I'm like, I don't want subtle moisture on the grass. It's sweaty grass, you know what I mean? It's disgusting. And then it turns the dirt into mud and you actually get dirtier because of it. It's awful. Yeah, I'm with you.

Okay, thank you. So now everybody's coming to the house and Wes is driving with Craig and talking about being from Missouri. And Craig says, I don't think I made it to Missouri. Is it even a real place? Well, I don't even know. If I haven't even been there, I'm not even sure.

Like, I think it's just something made up by Hollywood. I have a theory. Missouri is round. Prove me wrong. theory. Missouri is round. Wow. That's a real, that's a real, that's a real twist on the flat earth or thing, isn't it? No, the earth is flat. But Missouri is around. Missouri is a dome. It's a dome in a dome.

Missouri is a ball on a flat land. That's why it's always moving. We should note, by the way, that's why people keep missing it. It's in the name. That's why it's called Miz. Yeah, it actually was part of Massachusetts and then Massachusetts lost it, which is why it went from mass to miss. Can I ask the listener something?

Why are you here? Do you ever wonder? Do you ever just ask yourself that question? What am I doing here? Why? Is someone making me do this? Why am I here? Missouri.

They're here because the government makes them. Yeah, look into it. Do your research. By the way, I have to say, this is like, so one thing is that Kyle is coming in late. He is coming in on a ferry from his family reunion. And when Lindsay finds out about that, she's like, a ferry?

She's like disgusted. But also like every year Kyle goes out to his family reunion, I think that next season they should have the family reunion at the summer house. I want to see all these drunk New Hampshire wasps just being a mess in the summer house, you know? Throwing beers around, wheeling around that grandma who's like 105 years old, I think it'd be great.

Raunchy truth or dare? So now we find out that Sierra and Lindsay are doing a Southern night, because they're Southern girls So they're going to make all the Southern food and they're joking because Lindsay is going to make a cake and they're like, well, let's try not to get in a fight so you can't steal it this time, Lindsay. And then we see a clap, a clap. We see the clap. We see basically an STD cake. We see a clip of last year when Lindsay got pissed off and took one of the cakes home. Listen, I think that that's Lindsay showing that she's a good person by not taking both

of the cakes home. What have taken them both? That was a great power move taken. She talked so much about that pineapple upside down cake, and then she finally made it and took it away. So Paige is talking about her apartment hunt and how she looked at an apartment, it was like $12,000 a month. And Lindsay's like, well, Craig, are you gonna contribute? He's like, Paige is like, no, absolutely not.

She wants nothing to do with him touching her property. Yeah, and she's like, well, I wouldn't buy a car with Craig not being married, and I wouldn't have a bank account with Craig not being married. So I don't wanna be indebted to Craig and he thinks he's gonna make decisions in my apartment. Get out of town. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, he's like, yeah, I'd be willing to but like, well, I don't know what we're doing, you know, because I don't understand. It's, it's scary. So then, um-

I wouldn't let Craig pay either. Cause you know Craig would be like, this is like a cool living room, but it needs a pool. Yeah, absolutely not. Definitely not getting his input on real estate. So, which is funny though, because he was like everything with his house. He's like, hey Paige, what about this room? Hate it, rebuild it.

Okay. Well, she's more rebuild it. Okay. Well, she's more trustworthy in that way. So, so Kyle shows up, Kyle, and they're cooking, and Craig, it turns out, has not had liquor since September. Wow, God, I'm so glad for this reality reckoning. I'm just, everyone's just so out of control with their drinking on this network. Well, no, everyone's just so out of control with the world, you guys.

Drinking on this network. Well, no, it's not stopping drinking, just liquor, which is apparently a thing, you know. People do that, I mean, I've known people that do that. I don't see the difference, really. I mean, liquor does taste better than wine, so maybe you're drinking less, right? I don't know.

I don't know how it works. And though it's all alcohol. So, Craig is like, somehow I realized there was a huge difference between like a fun boyfriend and like a potential father to kids. Cause I was like, oh, like, you know, you don't just go from being the fun boyfriend and then boom, you're a dad. Like you have to take steps.

Like somehow I realized it. I don't know. I don't know how I realized it. Cause I'm a witch idiot. Cause Paige told you she was going to leave you. If you kept talking to her, I don't know. I don't know how I realized it. I'm a witch, idiot. Because Paige told you she was going to leave you if you kept acting like a fucking drunk idiot. And telling everybody you're too rich to clean. I think that's probably how it happened.

Because Paige basically is like every time he acted like an idiot, she would give him a look. And she goes, I feel like I just like tricked you into thinking it was your idea. No, this was like my own journey. Walk in three circles. Okay, I'm gonna walk in three circles now guys. My journey is now taking me into three circles. Love circles. He's so stupid.

Craig, flap like an ostrich. Right now, I think to be a good husband, I have to flap like an ostrich. Right now, I think to be a good husband, I have to flap like an ostrich. That's just what I have to do. Why is your head in the ground? I didn't say do that part. You're taking it too far, Craig. This is why I have to trick him into,

this is why I have to cast my magic spells. So now people are swimming, West is lying on Sierra's hip. America's in love. And then Kyle and Craig are stocking the outdoor fridge and you know, Kyle loves nothing more than talking about relationships. Kyle loves to talk. So what's going on with your relationship?

Well, you know what this wine bucket makes me think of? Me and Amanda. God, didn't we almost have it all? What about you guys? Are you serious? Hey, do you think that bird's with anybody? Bird! Hey, bird, have you ever thought about getting together with the dog?

Remember that? Bird dogs? Kind of my thing in the beginning. And Greg's like, wow, what is this new lover boy? He goes, yeah, look at Amanda. She just worked so fucking hard. Look at this new logo she did. It's the lover boy? He goes, yeah, look at Amanda. She just works so fucking hard. Who's new logo she dead. So lover boy logo, but now it's over a pink and blue background instead of orange. God damn it. Love her.

So isn't that the same? So he's saying the same. They put a different background on it. He's like, God damn it. I'm obsessed with her. So he's saying how Amanda, they work in different parts of the company and he hopes that Amanda has some sort of like sense of ownership with the brand and, uh, but she needs more time to decompress because of what she does. And, um, Wait, but wasn't that one of their fights before that she doesn't have ownership of it? She was like, I'm just an employee here.

Yeah. I think he's putting a new spin on it because it was also like, you take too much time to decompress. And now he's like, he's like, no'm just an employee here. Yeah, I think he's putting a new spin on it. Cause it was also like, you take too much time to decompress. And now he's like, no, she just needs time to decompress. So he's like, oh, by the way, you said you're the spirits thing. You're like not drinking as much. You're still gonna drink Loverboy, right? Because we're on TV.

I need you to, you're kind of popular. So I kind of need you to drink my stuff. Is that cool? Yeah, he's like, so I was just wondering if like that's a page thing. Like did page ask you to do that? And he goes, no, I've been working on my mental health. Yeah, so like in my physical health, like all my health,

my wall health, that's been good. Pool health, I love page, but like I'm becoming the best version of myself. And like, if we work out, we work out. But if we don't work out, we don't work out. But if we do work out, but kind of don't, then it's like kind of okay, but kind of not too. You know what I mean? And furthermore, 30% off at Zara this weekend.

Oh, damn it. I put the wrong thing into the Craig spell to make him say that part. Oh, shoot. Wait a second. Who's making me say these things? It's like Craig is just it's just Paige is making Craig have this totally fully like mature response She's just in another room with like a little doll doing spell making him say all this stuff Mm-hmm. So he's like, so what do you mean? You don't see a world where you end up with Paige? And he's like, well, I mean, she really likes Charles, she really likes New York and I really like Charleston. And she really wants a season that's not about

someone else's fucked up relationship and marriage or engagement or breakup so that we can finally have a season of our own. So that would be kind of nice. Well, so Kyle's saying that like he respects that they have really put an effort into this long term relationship or long distance relationship. But eventually like this is weird because, you know, last summer Craig was like, yeah, we're going to be probably engaged by the end of the year.

And now he's saying like, well, you know, if she's with me, she's with me. If she's not, she's not. So Kyle feels like he's, Kyle's digging, I think, for a red flag. Yeah. And so he's like, well, me and Amanda, I have struggles with moving. I go, God, why are you pretending this is anything else other than you needing a chance to talk about Amanda?

Yeah. You already knew that, Kyle. So he was like, yeah, Amanda's ready for a white picket vent, and I'm gonna have to make a sacrifice, I guess. And Craig's like, yeah, he's hoping that, I don't know. I don't know, I got lost in my nets. Kyle's like, you know, it seems like a lot's driven

by how Paige is feeling. He's like, yeah, hi, her name is Paige. Have you met her? That's exactly what it was driven by. Yeah. So then meanwhile inside, Lindsay's like, oh, by the way, Paige, I wanted to ask you, I bought a bunch of dresses to be Southern like tonight.

It's like, oh yeah, sure. Well, you always dress like Jessica Tandy, so it shouldn't be a problem. Let's go look. I love that Lindsey is just like gonna whip out all the polka dots. That's her goal. She's like, I'm Southern, and so Southern people

like a lot of polka dots. What do you think of this polka dot dress? No. What do you think of this polka dot dress? No. How about polka dots? you think of this polka dot dress? No. How about polka dots? Um, so Jesse arrives and in a great callback,

he shows up and West goes, Hey man, come put your body weight on me. I was like, wow, wow. It's back. The body weight. Put your weight on it. Oh yeah. They are very, uh, they're very other seasons of the other guys. So I think they're gonna phase the other guys out soon. Yeah, I think so. I think this is like the new generation because this is the first time they've had two new guys who are actually good.

So they actually made an effort this year into casting and I think Carl and Kyle, I think are on their way out soon. Sorry to say it everybody, but I see it coming because they're doing that. Like, put your body weight on me and Kyle, I think are on their way out soon. Sorry to say it everybody, but I see it coming because they're doing that. Like, put your body weight on me and like, you want to go to SoulCycle? Oh. Yeah.

All the classics. Yeah, the fuck boy thing. Yeah, they're doing the whole thing. So Lindsay's putting on these like polka dot dresses and Amanda's like, I feel like Carl would be more upset if he didn't see you in this one. And Peter's like, yeah, yeah, okay. more upset if he didn't see you in this one.

And Peter's like, yeah, yeah, okay. We'll put this one on, put this one on. And so then Jesse's asking where Carl is. And Craig is saying that Carl is excited to drive out this big surprise and everything. And Jesse's like, I'm sorry, but like, we all know why he's not here. It's not that he's excited about the surprise. And then we get a flashback to SoulC soul cycle where Carl was told them all, yeah, I'm probably going to skip Friday night.

So that way I break the cycle of the Friday night fight, which by the way, the fight doesn't happen because on Friday nights, there's some sort of thing that happens to Lindsay. It happens because it's the two of you. It doesn't like, it'll just happen on Saturday now instead, but that's fine. That's fine. Yeah. So Carl's like, yeah, well, I've been told by people that have been at their apartment

that it looks like they're sleeping in the separate rooms as well. So Lindsay was caught in bed with the cardboard cut out of Lindsay and Carl was nowhere to be found. Dude. By the way, Danielle, right? That has to be Danielle.

Yeah. I'm trying to think of who else. You gotta be Gabby. I guess it could be Gabby. Could be Gabby. I feel like Danielle would be the one gossiping to Kyle about it. Yeah.

So Craig is like, he's like, dude, not sleeping together is like not a good sign. And Kyle's like, yeah, I mean, what I saw with you guys, like, like, it's like, you know, like, you guys have seen some like deep rooted challenges in their relationship. Like I'm worried for the guy. I'm worried. So now Lindsay's putting on the different polka dot address and Amanda's like, that's like very like I'm going to do the laundry, but like with a little bit more cleavage and leg action and Paige is like, yeah, it's like frumpy and dated and stupid. So it's like really perfect for you.

So let's pretend that we like Lindsay so that we can like meddle in her relationship. So they're like, so what's it like being stupid? No. No, so what's it like with Carl? Have you guys had time to talk? And then he's like, Carl's not even sexual. He doesn't even have sex with me. And like, we maybe have sex like once every 10 years. They're like, whoa. Yeah, so we find out they're really not having a lot of sex.

You're not even having sex with him? I mean, God, I mean, I could understand all this fighting if you guys were at least like having good sex or something. Well, maybe that's why there's this fighting. So, well, you know, Lindsay says they have sex like, like every like two weeks or so, but when they have it, it's like really good. And Paige is like, um, yeah, when people talk about their sex life, um, they usually lie a little bit. So like, if you say you don't have sex at like two weeks at a time, that's like six weeks.

So it's like girl mouth. Yeah. And then the, the big cliffhanger is that Lindsay is like, well, the problem is like, you're, see you guys, your boyfriend and your husband at least initiate, but mine doesn't even initiate. Dun, dun, dun. So what do you think's gonna happen with these crazy kids? I just don't know, will Carl and Lindsay make it?

No, they will not. They won't make it. That's a bad sign. He is not into Lindsay whatsoever. Bad news, bad news bears. Yeah, well everybody, that is, or bad news otters, because I think Carl would more be an otter than a bear. He is an otter. Yes. Yes. Okay, everybody. Thanks so much for being here. Go get tickets for Europa and our LA show coming up in

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