Watch What Crappens - #2369 Below Deck: Murder, She Boat

Episode Date: March 26, 2024

Below Deck hits the rocks with two crew down and three crew in a triangle. The only industry in the world where people will fight over Ben. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What would Crap? It's a podcast for all that crap that we love to talk about on ABC. Just kidding, fuck that show. Oh, bravo everybody. I'm Ronnie, that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi Ronnie, how are you? Feeling 90 years old today, Ben.

What else is new, am I right? Listen, I gotta say, I gotta say, I have to thank the good people to say why why do you feel 90 years old Ronnie and then I'm supposed to say why that's because it's called banter Ben you're not supposed to be like you felt 90 years old every day, you old fucking park if you I felt like it was an improvement. I thought it was an improvement as opposed to like 95. You're aging down. Okay, so what's wrong, Ronnie? Nothing, nevermind Ben. Okay, just go ahead.

Please tell me whatever you were gonna talk about. No, I have to say, I have to say. I literally didn't have a helping hand there. It's just like, this is what life is like these days. We're always, it's like we always just feel old. So what's going on? What's triggered your age feelings? Actually, I was just, cause I said ABC

and that made me think of The Bachelor. And I know nothing that's going on on that channel anymore, on The Bachelor anymore and I just feel so old because people are, something big happened or it's like the finale or something and so everybody, you know, like Claire and Emma, the Claire and Emma pod, we love those girls, they're so nice and we follow them

and I saw their thing, like, oh my God, blah, blah, blah and then I saw Stephanie and them on, you know, Bachelor, my old podcast, hello, what is wrong with me? Rose Bricks talking like something new is coming into the Bachelor. I'm just like, and then I see the pictures are posting and I'm like, what are these people 12? Do we have a Bachelor age 12? Because that's what TV is starting to look like to me. I'm like, why are children dating and why are they dating on television? This should be illegal. And then summer house, everybody's so young. And then this other summer house,

we're doing everybody's so young. And I'm just like, oh my God, I've never felt my underarm skin more. That's funny. I have to tell you, it's so funny about the Bachelor stuff because last night I like went onto Twitter and there was a big old photo of like Nick Bial with like a baby and just like tattoos.

Sophie Ross, one of our colleagues, Sophie Ross had posted it. And he just had these awful clip art tattoos. And I was like, if I had known this man had these horrible tattoos, I never would have said hello to him at an airport. Now I'm also more of a vibe for myself. I never would have done it.

I don't say hello to people with terrible clip art tattoos. That's funny. Yeah, he has Katie and Dana on there. I saw, can you tell I was lying? Katie. I was like, I'm just gonna watch Instagram all day. Katie. Katie from Vanderpump Rules.

And Dana from Vanderpump Rules. Dana. Dana Catan. Oh, Dana, oh, because they have their podcasts. Yes, on the Nick File network. Oh. So they're on there talking about whatever, you know. They're like, well, we'll talk more about it tomorrow

on our podcast. It's like, oh, I'm watching this Instagram. Can you tell me this Instagram? Because all I'm going to watch is your Instagram talking about what you talk. So don't give me an advertisement for another podcast that I have to wait for the Instagram clip. You know what I mean?

It's a lot of Instagram clips I'm waiting for. Well, listen, there are a lot of, okay, I think one thing that we may have to do to make our lives better is to maybe cut out this like vile world from ourselves because it's obviously bringing us distress and also and we can't cut it out because I love your distress meant. Is that a word? that's obviously bringing us distress. And also- Distress, distress. And we can't cut it out because I love your distressment. Is that a word?

I love your distress. Let's focus on positive things, which is that I wanna thank the good people of the DeCheco Pasta organization. They are not sponsors of this show, but their pasta box is holding up my microphone today. So thank you for making an appropriately sized pasta box to make this experience much easier for me

while I'm here in New York. Also thank you to TJ Maxx for providing that artwork behind Ben that makes him look like he's about to what's up, Ben? Yes. Yes. Thank you, TJ Maxx, for providing this generic apartment art, it's four guitars.

Who else loves to rock when you're in Midtown Manhattan? That's Ben. Go over to Ben's. He's going to whip out a guitar and sink you a ditty. Yeah. And I'm going to get a silly tattoo and you can call me Ben Val. So today we're talking below deck. Actually, you might not believe it, but we actually are talking below deck. We are here to do that. That is the plan. That is the theory. We also will be talking all sorts of Bravo things at Netflix as a joke in early May,

May 3rd at the Cookaburra Lounge in Hollywood. We're going to do an intimate, hilarious show. Please come and join us for that. We're going to have so much fun and party afterwards. Then we're going to Europe. We're gonna have so much fun and party afterwards. And then we're going to Europe. We're gonna go to London and Birmingham and Dublin. It's gonna be a great, great time. Can't wait to finally meet all our UK and Ireland listeners.

That's just gonna be a great, great, great, great time. So go to WatchCrapins.com to get tickets for all those events. Yes, and bonuses, videos, all that are on Patreon. This week, I think we're doing a preview of something. Not sure. Who knows what possibly Jersey. I don't know. We had talked about the Valley being on the bonus, but now the Valley is going to be on the main feed. I think, right? Oh gosh.

I don't know everybody. There's a lot going on. Just, just keep coming back. We're here all the goddamn time. I don't want to commit. Okay. So below deck season 11 episode eight, Cat has just left the boat. She's got issues with herself, with her friends, with her family. Cat got a call from a sobbing cat, which is funny, because it was a sobbing cat

talking to a sobbing cat, an actual kitty cat. That's right. Heard it myself. Cat had to go off to another adventure. So she left and all the guests were watching. And then Barb took it really hard. Barbie, she said, I want to jump up the boat. How about you?

Okay, Barbie. Well, glad to see that you've made yourself the victim in this cat scenario. And then Carrie has to go over to the guests because the guests are all watching and they don't know what's going on. They're like, oh God, I hope she's okay. God, I feel so terrible for her. As they're sitting there sipping on their beverages and luxuriating in their vacation.

It's like wealthy people concern. Oh dear, someone's gonna help me. It's like that lady with Skrillex braids. Yeah. They have to keep bringing up Skrillex this week for no reason. Skrillex. Skrillex. And now I've said Skrillex a lot, so it's just appearing everywhere now. Now the universe is just playing a joke on me because Skrillex appeared two days in a row in my life. And I was like,

where did that come from? And so now it's appearing everywhere. I don't know. I'm like, hey, Amazon, maybe it's time to order some new dog food. And she's like, you want me to play Skrillex? I'm like, no, that's not what I said. You're like, Alexa, please get it together. My name's no longer Alexa, it's now Skrillex. Did you mean Skrillex? That was messed up. By the way, I'm too dependent on my little robot thing.

She's literally coming on at night going, don't forget to take out your trash. I'm like, come on, Ronnie, like seriously, you have to have a machine remind you to take out the fucking trash and apparently yes. Yeah, I do, I set a reminder to myself. Bloop, don't eat that shrimp. God damn it.

She knows me so well. Okay, so Kerry's like, we're two crew down and we're in a tough situation. My focus is supporting my crew. Also learning Turkish. Let's face it, difficult. Both difficult. But I'm picturing the Titanic and the boat going down and the band playing and then the band starts playing. I like big butts and I cannot lie. So I go, what's the violinist in the face? And I say, we're not doing that. We're playing

something happy today, god damn it. And that's when the adventure begins. It's called the multiverse, look into it. It's a different timeline. You'll hear about that later. So by the way, just what you'd love to hear from the captain up here, though, like one person leaves, well, it's like the Titanic,

we're all going down now. Please, please don't ever let a captain say that on this. I know crying stew straight ahead So then like normal people can still say that like we can say that like wow this recap sure It's like the Titanic going because it's you know, it's like whatever to us, but you can't have somebody in that industry That's still a very big moment for you guys, okay? And someone is building the new Titanic, did you read that? Someone's building the replica of the Titanic. Why? What about the Titanic?

Like, leave the Titanic alone, okay? Literally, like, four people died last summer because of Titanic mania, all right? Yeah, come on, dudes. How much do we, like, we just don't, we don't need to go back, we don't need the Titanic. We have, like, Princess Cruises. We don't need it Titanic. We have like Princess Cruises. We don't need it. We never needed it. Yeah, we never needed it.

And also, why do we need to fix the future? They're like, you know what I'm gonna invest in? Fixing the past. Fix something bigger. Like we have way bigger things to fix in this world than the Titanic. I mean, no offense to Kathy Bates' friends. There was literally a horrific maritime tragedy

that happened today. Okay, we do not need a Titanic. We don There's the Titanic. I mean, no offense to Kathy Bates's friends. There was literally a horrific maritime tragedy that happened today. Okay, we do not need to add the Titanic. We're still working on our regular boats, okay? Yeah. So, Kerry texts the staffing people who, you know, it's not Norma, but it should be.

I trust Norma. I feel like I trust Norma more than I trust every other boat staffing because no one else uses the same person. Like Below Deck Med always uses Norma. Norma's dependable. You know Norma's there. Even if Norma's sick, she's in bed like,

Captain, it's me, Norma. Cough, cough, cough, cough. Hey, never too sick to do my job, rap. All right. Maybe this is just Norman. Maybe this is just Norman. Maybe this is just like Norman and he's like sitting on a beach somewhere listening to Jimmy Buffett

and staffing yachts in the Caribbean. I'm not sure. Oh, it feels weird for it to not be like a Midwestern lady of some sort, some like variation. Maybe it's like, all right, I need new staff. And he's like, hengi uz manglia ikshistan var? It's like, damn it! I'm stormed by my own Turkish lessons. Oh, knew I shouldn't have reached out to the Istanbul office. I might be immersing myself too deeply in this. Gotta remember there's a time and a place for Turkish lessons.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Wow, this language has gone down like the Titanic. Oh, I shouldn't have said that again. So sad, it's like we, I guess we all have our personal things going on, but at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. And that's all you can say for the life of the poor. It's called spinning.

Everyone's running around, look at Barbie. Just look at her, stupid rich idiot. And Barbie's just like, Oh my God, it's the lunch. She is like... I'm too rich for this. She is scampering to know it for no reason. It's like Rebel Without a Cause, the scamper without a cause.

And she's like rushing around, like picking up rags, putting them down again. And Zandy's just like looking at her like, this is a term I use in yachting. It's called spinning. You move really quickly. You seem busy, but you're actually not more productive or getting anything down.

I just want to pop her a Xanax. I'm not a pro pusher, but like honestly, it's ridiculous right now. And she's pop her a Xanax. I'm not a poo pusher, but like honestly, it's ridiculous right now. And she's obviously not a Xanax user anyway, cause any Xanax user knows you don't share that shit. You only get 30 a month. I did not know that. Wow, learned so much.

It's a controlled substance. So the ladies, meanwhile, this chaos is happening downstairs, which means that of course we cut to the guest, the liars just like luxuriating on the deck, being like, cheers bitches, let's get this party started. Mortgages, am I right? Oh my God, can we talk about loans? I love a fixed APR.

Guys, you know what we're gonna talk, what we should talk about? APRs. You are pre-approved for a good time. Right. Listen, this good time is fixed. There is no changing it. So even if you think there's a better time to be had,

sorry, you're gonna have to apply for that, okay? Guess what? Guilty as charged, I'm a predatory lender of a margarita. Drink up bitches. Oh my God, guys, I'm in my th lender of a margarita, drink up bitches! Oh my God guys, I'm in my thought, can you see my Fannie Mae? So, Norman, I don't wanna call him Norman.

I feel like Norman's not right. I feel like Norman doesn't deserve that. Yeah, Norman doesn't deserve it. Like, Norman has her own life. Norma's a dark show. She doesn't even take the blame for this, you know? I'm gonna say. I mean, whoever this Turkish person is

hired somebody into diet culture. I was originally thinking that it could be like Norma Dundee, like the Australian version of Norma. Yeah, that's a good one, I like that. That's not a dick end. This is dick end. So Norma Dundee is like, good news, your dick end will be arriving in Grenada tomorrow morning. And furthermore, You can hear her typing into her Google Translate. But Norma Dundee is just trying to be part of the journey. I know you're trying to learn your Turkish. Turns out I am too, because I've been strangely put in the Istanbul office. Your new

still is arriving. Have fun on your new sea ahead. That's journey. I'm going to go to the sea. I'm going to go to the sea. I'm going to go to the sea. Have fun on your new seer hat. That's journey for those of you learning.

Those of you learning at home. So leave your TED talk. But as you aim, you learn it. So Fraser is like, should I look up a murder mystery story? I need to crime, I need clues. We're doing murder mystery. Okay, first of all, this is the lamest shit ever. Please stop doing this.

Second of all, kill Kat. I mean, she's already gone. I say someone has murdered Kat because this is a boat story, it's a boat murder. And it needs to end where nobody has ever found out because that shit happens all the time on like Carnival Cruise, well, I shouldn't say that, they'll sue me, but you know, big cruise lines

where husbands usually, allegedly, just go toss their wives over at the Carnival Cruise, and guess what? In a boat of 10,000 people and cameras everywhere, nobody sees a thing. That is the way to kill somebody. They should kill cat and it just never ends. The night just never ends.

It just goes and goes and goes. Yeah. I support that. Cause yeah, they're already down on a person. And also, so I've never done the murder mystery thing, but I've seen enough of it on Bravo to feel like I don't think that what they did later today was proper. That was just a scavenger hunt.

Yeah, it wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't so right. I was like a little upset. But also you don't have to invent murder mysteries. You know what I mean? Like to have a murder mystery party, you go online and you look up murder mystery party. Yeah, they tell you how to do it in print style. You cut out the clues.

But literally all you have to do, it's like we have to come up with a murder. How does that have to do with service? And you I'm going to get the most intelligent person on this murder mystery, Kyle and to Kyle, Kyle. So yeah, Fraser's like he's doing a classic blow deck monologue. We're missing someone outside and now someone inside and we've got to set up sunset drinks reception on the beach that I've not been to before and I've got a mystery. And losing was due is one thing

but I've been on a boat and we've run aground and I had to pretend like we haven't run aground to the guests but let's be honest, I probably ran aground because I had a slice of apple and I became a hideous beast, it's my fault. I ran out of ground. Too fat. So the plan is beach, beach day with the guests. So I'm gonna ferry the guests to the beach because it's the most gorgeous

beach on the world, but it's not easy to get to because easy is boring. You know what's fun? Adventure. So they're planning on that. And then he's like, yeah, the most difficult, the most amazing places are the most difficult to get to. For example, me. I've been to paradise, but getting to me, that's a trick. Yeah. Because you know what? Every time we got very deep water coming up to a shallow beach and every time I'm bringing up equipment the current is pushing me to the shallow section so you gotta make a calculation is the risk worth the reward when it comes to the beach. Yes it is. It is. Have you almost died getting swept away by the ocean ever? That was just a loaded question to tell my own story. But one time I was at this private beach in Malibu,

because I'm really fancy, and it's the one where you go down the cliffs. Well, I guess they're all like that in Malibu, you know? You go down the cliffs. So I went down the cliffs, it was like my first time, and it was so beautiful, and I fell asleep kind of in the afternoon, and I woke up wet,

and I was already all the way up against the cliff wall. That water was coming in to kill me, okay? It was not a joke. Like it started pulling me into the water. I'm lucky I woke up. And then I started trying to get out of there. You can't run in mud, okay? And the muddy, I thought I was gonna die.

I was like, I'm gonna die at a private beach in Malibu and nobody's gonna even know. Because if they start looking for me, no one's gonna think Ronnie went to a beach. You'll be like a wife on a cruise ship. You'll be just disappeared. Like a wife on a cruise ship, but nobody would care. There's not even a husband to murder me, you know?

I, when I went to Kauai like 10 years ago, I went on this ridiculous hike and the middle of it, you're in the jungle and in the middle, you like emerge at this beach. It's beautiful. The most beautiful beach you've ever seen in your life. And you're in the jungle and in the middle you like emerge at this beach. It's beautiful, the most beautiful beach you've ever seen in your life. And you're so hot from hiking that you just like, you just want to run right into that ocean.

So like that's what we did. We're like, ah, yes. So we ran in the ocean. I was like, gosh, these waves are strong. And I am being, I was sort of getting pulled. Like I start, I entered the ocean in one section, but when I came out of the ocean, I was like farther down the beach. I was like, that's wild. And later on when I was reading about the hike, it said, but when I came out of the ocean, I was like farther down the beach I was like that's wild and later on when I was reading about the hike it said and then in the middle of the hike

There's this beach which you're not allowed to go You're not allowed to go into the surf there because it's the most dangerous beach in all of kawai and everyone dies there And I was like, oh my god Swim in the death. I swam in the death ocean Yeah guys read the signs is the point. There were no signs. There had to have been signs. Well, I didn't see any. Maybe the ocean took them in.

Because I didn't see any signs until I almost died. And then I was like, why didn't anybody almost tell me? I could have died in there. Like, I was freaking out. And I was like, no one's even gonna believe this story. I was just alone. There's no witnesses. I'm gonna sound dramatic.

I'm all alone in this experience. And then I got into my car, which at the time was my little Suzuki sidekick, my little red car, my little red square car. And I got in there and I closed the door and I was crying and I looked up and there was a sign. It was like high tide. Don't swim.

What do I know? I'm from El Paso. I don't know what a high tide is. You don't know these things. So anyway, the point is they're going to a beach picnic and I almost died one time. This was a triggering beach picnic for Ronnie or reminded him of his mortality. A lot, I almost died.

Normally I don't mind when I almost die. I think it's almost dying so many times that now I'm like 48. If I think I have a heart attack, I'm like, well, bye. But it's like dying in such a sneaky way by nature. Yeah, it's being fucking tricked by nature because I've always known nature as a fucking bitch. I've always known it, I've always hated nature,

and I've always had a feeling that's how I'm gonna go. Some horrible, stupid way, like getting dragged into the ocean. Getting dragged into the oceans. Actually worse than actually just being in the ocean and drowning. I think being dragged is because it's like you were actually not even in there.

I wasn't in there. Yeah. I was is because it's like you were actually not even in there and like. I wasn't in there. Yeah. I was there because I was like thin for 10 minutes. I was like, I can take off my shirt now, you know? So I went like for one second and then the universe almost murdered me for it. The ocean is insidious. I mean, that's why I get served North Sea TikTok

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So Anthony's like, tonight is going to be an ocean party in Garnada, we get the best fresh seafood in the world. And this boat is so much pleasure, so much pleasure daddy. So then we go to Barbie cleaning again and you know, Ben's getting that tender to the beach and he's struggling, struggling.

Yes. And so, uh, so he gets into the beach and then he actually gets it stuck. He gets too close. I guess he gets into the shallow area, right? So he gets sand into them, into the engine and it just starts to kind of like, die down and everything. And so he's like, oh, it's the sound you never want to hear. Sand gets sucked up into the impeller. It's like a grinding crunching sound. It means you're in trouble.

And this is the part where they say impeller about like 12 times in a row. Got some shit in the impeller. Do you shit in the impeller? We know the sound. It's the voice of Gary from Below Deck. Um, other Below Deck. That's what the sound of the impeller sounds like.

Hello, Gary. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, The impeller tragedy also allows Kerry and Ben to lean into being Australian because they have this very small interaction that just felt so Aussie. Ben's like, got some shit in the impeller. And Kerry goes, you reckon? You got some shit in the impeller? Or did you see an impala? Well, I saw a little bit of both and a wallaby. The wallaby What an adventure. So back on the boat, Barbie is taking breaks

and she's getting the Hannah edit where she's just, she's like, okay, I'm going on a break now. And you see her go and she just sits there and you see her like vaping. And then they just cut to the same shot of her vaping 30 times to make it look like she's been there 20 hours. And Zandy starts getting pissed. Well, because Barbie said,

I'm just gonna go down for like five minutes and then I'm gonna clear the table. But then she goes downstairs and is like watching like a season three rewatch of American Idol. And so then Zandi has to clear the table for Barbie. Yeah, and she's not happy. And so Barbie's like, yeah, but we're still down.

We're doing the best we can. Like you have to be everywhere at once, you know what I mean? So I'm like, am I gonna make mistakes? Sure, like absolutely, but I'm exhausted. And then we get a return of something. Five minutes ago you were saying she needed to calm down and take his annex. So then five minutes later you can't complain

that she's too calm. Pick a lane. Calm and work, that's what she wants. She doesn't want calm and sitting. Well, you know, we'll shape it. We'll just chisel away at the behavior you want. If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean in a less frantic way. Oh, please, if you got time to gape, I got time to vape.

That's what I say. If you've got time to eat ham, I've got time to watch dryer cam, because that's what we get next. We have Xanthe. I love this fucking dryer cam. It's my favorite thing. And it's their favorite thing, too. They show it to us all the time.

I know that GoPro, it's like, I don't know where they got that heat resistant, water resistant, well, I guess there's no water, but that heat resistant GoPro, they just love sticking it in there. And this time we got a big long shot. So we saw Zandy's head, like it started, then Zandy's head went upside down.

It was great. Yeah. So then Carrie is, I don't know, people are working after he's looking for garlic, but it's on the counter, and he has a very moment, like all aging people do, talking about aging today. He's not aging, he's still very young. He's like a very young guy from,

Merder, whatever, we've already said that, but. Traitors. He looks like that guy, huh? The traitors. Yeah, the traitors. Oh, Alan coming. that guy, huh? The Traders. Yeah, the Traders. Yeah, oh, Alan coming. You know, I'm a cross-dresser. Yeah. Speaking of aging, he's doing the thing you do

as you get age, especially if you're an aging stoner, like me, where nothing is ever where you could have sworn it is. I moved into a house with so many drawers, I don't know what I was doing to myself. I'm gonna die here. I'm gonna die like, I'm gonna die holding onto a drawer, unable to find something.

That's my whole life now. It's like, wait, where are the scissors? This is a scissor drawer, but I know this is a scissor drawer. I even wrote on my phone, where are the scissors? In the scissor drawer. It's not here. Where are my scissors?

And then I go open every drawer, because I've got 900 drawers now, so I start opening every drawer, like throwing everything out of the drawers, and I cannot find the scissors, and I don got 900 drawers now, so I start opening every drawer, and like throwing everything out of the drawers, and I cannot find the scissors, and I don't open the box, and then two hours later, guess where the scissors are? In the scissor drawer, the fucking scissor drawer,

they were there the whole time. And while you're distracted looking through your drawers, the ocean's gonna come creep up behind you and drag you into it. That's how it happens. Holding onto a drawer with one arm and just drowned on the floor. With the ocean body. The ocean crawled up to Austin.

It's like, I knew I'd find you. I was just thinking today, why are all of our recaps to ours this week? This is why. This is why. Because I can't concentrate. I don't know why. We're not concentrating.

Okay, concentrate. It's that New York energy I feel like I'm bringing. It's me. It's me. It's the bustle of the big city. NY Energy. New York. Literally, I don't know why I just took credit for that. So Anthony's basically looking for garlic. So this is so below deck that we're actually going to like stop the whole show to watch someone look for garlic. But it's to build a case that he's disorganized. And so then we go back to the beach, it's getting a little windy, bad weather's coming in, Whitney and Ada, and Captain Carey's like,

I think, well, we gotta get them back on here. It's getting way too dark to use any other way. We gotta do these. We gotta get him back to the boat. And somewhere in Florida, Captain Sandy was like, everybody stop, stop talking. Someone on my favorite show is watching my favorite show. It's so meta. Wind. Wind. This fall on NBC, not ABC.

That's for people who are about to die apparently. Getting dragged into the ocean. Wow, Captain Mee sure looks good. God, is he getting facials? Blast his hair though. God, you know I'm so glad I turned, I started subscribing to Turkish television. I never thought I'd see Below Deck on it, but here it is.

Ooh. So Ben is telling the guests, oh guys, the tender is out of action. And they're like, oh no, the tender is out of action. And they're going, no, the tender, but the tide, the tide is coming. And he's like, but they're saying they're putting the gear, we're gonna put everything in a little boat

and then have you over in a little boat and then we'll get a bigger boat and get you in the bigger boat and then everyone's gonna get over, it's gonna be okay. So these storm clouds are coming in, it's getting dark, one of the boats is broken, everyone is packing up the beach, like around these, these guests are just sort of sitting

in chairs, Fraser is topping off their champagne, trying to act like everything is fine. It is kind of Titanic-esque, like everything's fine, there's not a storm, there's, even though everyone looks frantic around us, it's totally okay, nothing's going wrong. And It's fine, nothing to see here. But now finally it's time to bring the load up the boat and then the guests are the last ones to come in. But the thing is, the tide is coming out and the water is getting weird. And so now it's time for them to get

on the boat. So Leslie is first. She's the one with the Skrillex braid. And so she's like, do not touch the boat unless I tell you to touch the boat. I'm touching the boat. A lady goes, Oh my god, Leslie. When she like goes and like touch the boat. Leslie no not the boat. Leslie no. No one move towards the boat unless I tell you so. Got it Skrillex. Leslie think about the loans you could be giving out please. It's the whole future. There are so many people waiting to close on a house, Leslie. Mortgage rates are going down, interest rates are going up. Come on, Leslie. Leslie, your appraiser needs you.

So he kind of gets stern with her and she's like, oh my God, the captain is getting so aggro. Yo, Leslie, because you're touching the fucking, what did you not hear about don't touch the boat? Have you ever heard of an impala, Leslie? Do you want to be a part of it on the step? Like a little meat taco you're about to be. Leslie, have you seen the movie Cast Away?

Because that will be you soon on this island if you don't start cooperating. They're just gonna leave you there with a volleyball, okay? And then how we like it, okay? Yeah, Leslie, fucking moron. So then back on the boat, Fraser's checking on Zandy, and she's like, I've only sat down for three minutes since this morning, I can't do it.

And then Carl hits his head on something, and now they're talking about the murder party. They made it to the yacht, they got on, everything's safe, everything's good. They're all okay, guys. Yeah, everything's okay. So they're gonna do this murder thing, and Leslie, one of the ladies is like,

"'Leslie, what's your character for tonight?' She goes, "'Well, I'm the captain's socialite wife.' I'm like, "'Well, I'm pretty sure a socialite's "'not gonna marry a captain, but that's fine.'" Mm-hmm. It's just a very low level socialite. She's like, I'm just here for some fundraisers at the Y. Good old bake sales. I am a socialite, but my social circle's in Tampa, so this is within character. Do a lot of charity work, but at the actual charities, not the balls.

but at the actual charities, not the balls. Yeah, we, I organize a cotillion on a pier, so. A very small town cotillion. It's a small, small, small, small socialite. So now Fraser's handing out the murder rose to everybody and he's like, oh, I've ordered props and bits and bobs as one does for a murder. Shifting responsibility to someone else. I had them order things, I had them set things up.

That's called being a leader. And Ben is like, wait, so that just keeps getting crazier and crazier. I'm like, all you had to do is drive a boat and you broke it. So I don't know. Yeah, maybe don't suck sand up in engines, Ben. Okay. That's a great idea.

So they're all like making, they're writing down clues. I don't know, I feel like a last minute murder mystery. This is, you have to plan it out. Or like you said, print it out from the internet. But if you're just like making up clues in the crew mess, this is gonna be bad. And then Kyle gives a little spiel about his like, I'm not the most theatrical person.

I grew up playing rugby and talking shit and biting everyone's ears off. And I'm not theatrical, but I do have moments of brilliance sometimes. I'm like- All right, cause he's coming up with the clues with Fraser. So Fraser, so of course his are like, someone dies when they get burned by a hanger

on a guy's night out. Like no, Kyle, you can't just put your own life experiences. But their ass will never be the same. Someone dies when experimenting with homosexuality, but turns out they're just really into women. No Kyle, that's just you. When in Rome, they said as they died slowly. Someone gets killed when they spill their tobacco pouch

on the deck of a boot. And the murderer gets fired. So now they're eating and Fraser is down in the galley and it's a mess down there because, you know, Anthony is a busy person. He's got a lot going on, a lot of ingredients and it's a mess down there because Anthony's a busy person. He's got a lot going on, a lot of ingredients and there's pots and pans everywhere. And it's not like anyone's helping him clean

all these pots and pans, you know what I mean? Cause they're down staff, but he's down staff too. And I don't know, I feel like when a chef is good, you just leave them alone. Yeah, I mean his galley is definitely wild, but I feel like in previous seasons, we've seen people helping out in the galley. Like, where are the deckhands? I know they got this murder mystery thing going on,

but like, can't Kyle help out? Can't Ben help out? Can't Sonny? Have Sonny help out. What does Sonny? Sonny, God, she's really on my nerves these days. Sonny is on my nerves too. And the thing is, Fraser, I think, is the worst here,

because Fraser's just bragged about how he's using all of the employees to do his work. He's like, look at me delegating. That's what Lee does do. Well, meanwhile, the chef has a mess and you have people writing fucking murder clues instead of helping him. So maybe your delegating should be being more helpful

to the person who clearly needs it instead of having someone else do a murder party for you that you could have printed off the goddamn internet. And now I'm mad at Fraser. I didn't even know I was mad at Fraser until right now, but I am furious. Yeah, why didn't he just print out the murder mystery stuff before the charter even began? Like after the preference sheet, to just get that out of the way. And then I don't know. So brag that you're delegating everything when the only person the kitchen is providing five star service and has zero help and is in desperate need of it.

Maybe you should stop bragging about your delegation skills, sir. So then Captain Kerry goes up to the guesthouse, hey everyone. For those not watching on video, I'm rolling my head right now. Very, very upset. Okay, go ahead, Ben. Well I just want to say, guess I got a little firm tonight, but I was worried about your safety and for that, who's good new, which means I'm sorry in Turkish. Sure you all knew that. Just want to say a gorilla wearing a top hat. Give me a thumbs up for my great

work on Duolingo today. So passing that on to you. Well, now it's time for the murder mystery to start. So Barbie just runs into the room and trips on something and falls down and screams, there's been a murder! By the way, and then she's like supposed to be dead. By the way, if someone like stabs me or like kills me, Mike, I'm not going to say, there's been a murder. I'd be like, someone just, someone's murdered me. Or I would say, so-and-so just stabbed me. Like, I wouldn't just vaguely announce, there's been a murder. I can't believe the maid on the boat isn't a better actor.

I know. I just expect Barbie to just, just have a better sense of murder. Barbie, I'm not believing your performance. Actually, I think she did a good job because I thought she tripped and fell, but I guess she was being murdered, right? She really, she was being murdered.

She did a good job and her butt fell out. But how did they murder her? What's a running murder? What's a murder? It was like she was stabbed and she went running into the room to announce like, oh my God, I've been like, like, I've been stabbed. But instead she was, there's been a murder. And then just died.

So Leslie's like, well, I have to admit, I quite forgot this was happening. Don't touch the boat, goddammit. Sorry, I'm still triggered. Sorry. Can we murder Leslie before she gets us all killed? Does anyone know where that tender is? I just want to go find it and touch it. Leslie.

Captain really hates me. It's just what a socialite's wife, what a captain's wife would do. So they just basically go on a scavenger hunt around the boat. Like they go to one room, they find like a puffy envelope and it's like, if you know what to do, you will find where you pee. Oh, to the bathroom, everyone go to the bathroom, find the envelope in the bathroom. So yeah, it's not the best murder mystery.

And it's also not a great murder when you don't care if anybody dies, you know what I mean? It's like kill them all, that's how I feel. Yeah, and in the end they just wind up kind of like back, I think, at the table. And the way it ends is whoever has the glass that has like number two on it is the murderer. And there's some random lady in white sparkles or sequins.

And she's like, oh, I guess it's me. Whoops, guys, I murdered you all. I was like, well, try to be in character, man. Yeah, or maybe do they get to guess who's the murderer? I mean, this needed something. It needed some more game to it. Yeah, it needed something. So I think we should talk about it for another half an hour.

I think we'll give notes. We can be consultants on further yachts, yacht charters that need some murder mystery help. Yeah. So now it's 1153 and Anthony is watching a pot to slow sexy music in slow motion. He's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, The pot graduated high school. I was trying to come up with French music. That's all I came up with. North America. Not French. Yeah, I don't think that was French at all.

Okay, here, let's try this one. Voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo, voo I think that's Italian. Well, the guy's singing is Italian, but isn't it French? No, I'm, I think it's, I believe that that song is, is Italian. Let's see. A French song. I tried to do some Edith Piaf before. Yeah. Edith Piaf. That's a good one. Or what about, um, What about, il était en Begerre, un petit patapon, il était en Begerre.

We learned that in French classes about a sheep. Or what about- Can I tell you I'm looking at Edith Piaf's the discography. What the fuck are these songs? I don't know any of these songs. Where's the songs that I know? Where, Edith Piaf was on We Are The World, right?

So that counts. We are the world. Oh, but Vian Rose, why is that so low down? It's very low on the list. I feel like it should be higher. Yeah. She just, she has a deep catalog. There it is.

There finally some French sex music. So he is cleaning and then they're all just going to bed and they're all there are phrases like I've aged. I'm like a 30 years old. I'm hideous and disgusting. I'm surprised this yacht hasn't run aground also with my ugliness. And then we watch Anthony cleaning and he just cleans and cleans and cleans. We get timestamp after timestamp, 1.15 a.m., 1.50 a.m. and then we start getting really specific. 2.17, 2.31, not just 2.30, 2.31, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.

Yep, and then 3.07, he finally goes to bed, and now he's gonna get bullied on this show for not cleaning enough. But also- To which I say, no fair. But, you know, let me tell you something. I mean, cleaning takes a while, but it should not have taken three hours to clean the kitchen, I'm sorry. Did you see that kitchen? Cool. It was a while, but it should not have taken three hours to clean a kitchen.

I'm sorry. Did you see that kitchen? It was a mess, but it should still not take three hours. But also it shows that he's good at, he's cleaning very well. It's thorough. What the D? Team, team traitors.

Commercials, here comes one right now. So now it's the next morning and we have, I call it like Trixie Sheeran because it's kind of like an Ed Sheeran-esque singer who's saying like, 24 hours, seven days a week. I'm taking champagne showers. I rest and repeat. And then it's like just watching the staff wake up. Like I love, I just love the way they put these, this music together, like drinking champagne showers. Like they're in the lap of love.

While you're cleaning a toilet. Like tripping with diamonds. It's like scrub, scrub, scrub. The servants. The servants. The servants are waking up. Yeah, they really do have some irony lately with their like rich, you know.

Bills, bills, bills. I got bills, bills, bills. No, like not dollar bills. Like I needed a song that was singing like about literal bills, like that you're not paying for the child that you just fucking left behind in Alaska, you know? Yeah.

So Anthony's making breakfast for this final day of the charter. And he's like, oh, what would be a good special for the omelet? And he's just like, I don't know, but cheese and something stupid that Americans would like in it. I don't know, why are you asking me?

He's like, it is so hard to focus on something new every day. And he's like, oh God, just put an egg in a burger bun. Just put a stick of their pizza in there, the Americans, they'll love it. I've never seen a chef so disorganized in my entire life. Yeah, he's getting on my nerves now. You know what's so funny is when I watched the episode,

he didn't get on my nerves, but now I'm like furious seeing it all kind of play out slowly. Fraser? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not, he's not on my nerves. But Anthony is saying, no, but he just became on your nerves. I think it's because you're frustrated, I think you're frustrated that there wasn't more sexy French music immediately accessible to you.

I think I disturbed myself with my version of sexy French music. You're also a little rattled because you've been reminded about how the ocean almost killed you. It's been a rough episode for me. Yeah. It started off in a dark note just by you talking about being 90 years old. I know. Just took that tone. And I brought McVile to it.

It's a good day. Yeah. But you know what? I feel like sometimes when you're in a good mood, that's when to consider the fact that we're all dying. Yeah. Okay. So Curtis is with Yacht Services and he's like, oh, just going to say, Dylan, the new deck end is arriving in 30 minutes. Please do not have any calories out. We're about to be high.

This is a normal Dundee and we're going to send you an extremely handsome man, but he's going to be annoying as fuck. So enjoy. This is, this is, uh, this is normal Dundee calling to remind you that you can't fuck a personality. Thank God. Or as they say in Istanbul, let me just think about it. Berkizlişi Sıkamizin, which means you can't fuck a personality in Turkish. That's it. Wow.

I think. Sorry, I was typing out an urgent email while I was recalling my Turkish. Had nothing to do with the other. One had nothing to do with the other. All right, so let's go meet this guy. So this guy, Dylan, he has Karen hair kind of, like the original, what's the original Karen's name? The Kate Gosselin lady. Yeah, he's got like Kate Gosselin vibes. It reminds me like very much like 1991, like I feel like one of the, maybe even one of the Power Rangers had this haircut maybe,

but it's like that sort of suit. He has like this walk, like a side bang that comes really far down. And I'm like, is this a look that's in? Because I know someone who also has this haircut right now. And I'm like, is this coming back? Is this the look that's happening right now? I guess. I mean, I don't know.

I don't have hair, so I don't understand hair culture. I'm just like, oh, you're so original. Why you changed your bangs. Oh, I'm throwing a party. Woohoo! Black party! So yeah, he's a weirdo. And he's like, I'm from Cape Town originally. I'm 23 years old. I've been doing yachting for the past three years. I started in the south of France. I've worked on boats from 27 meters to 100 meters. Tons of boats. I've worked my way up from Deck Hunter, did you say Trace boat captain? I don't know what that was. I just I love to make people feel better by being super happy and like like that's what I love doing is when I'm running like I'm running down the road and when I see someone I just go

like this and I go like high five and then they like they do high five back and they don't understand any of it but you know what they will remember you I'm like I guarantee they will not remember you. And I'll be like, who the fuck is this weird ass guy with the 90s side bang trying to give me a high five? They'll be like, some guy dressed like Kate Gosselin just tried to slap me. So weird, this world is a really goddamn hell. Meth, am I right?

Yeah, he's running around. Try that in my neighborhood. You'll get your ass shot. You come fucking punching somebody, threatening to punch somebody while you're running, okay? Bye, we have guns here, okay? Women don't have porn anymore, or abortion, or women's rights, but we do have guns.

We have all met that person who, it got really dark by the way. It's so blue. I can't stop it, I can't lighten up. I'm trying to lighten up. But we all, we all. I'm having so much fun just rolling around in the dark. What can I tell you? Listen, we all know that person who loves to stand

by the side of the road and give those high fives. And they smile and they're super happy. They play Ultimate Frisbee, they go camping. They often will lead a student group camping. Disgusting. They'll do a canoe trip. Camp counselor energy. They love ultimate frisbee.

They really. They hate ultimate frisbee. That's just what they do. They eat granola. Frisbee golf. Is that the same thing? No, but they're in the same. He loves frisbee golf.

I'm not saying that he is granola, but he just eats granola, which is fine. Granola's good. Which has so many calories. It's so weird when people who are trying to be healthy are like sitting there eating granola, like a Seiko baby, calories in, calories out. Do I have to teach you everything?

And we'll see why this matters in just a moment. Also people who are just like faking happiness to make everyone else happy, guess what is gonna make everyone else happy? Not you, okay? We don't need you for that fucking Dylan Splanner I'm here to explain why life is so good. Fuck off You're hot and you have like long hair. Of course life's good this guy

This guy when I was watching it last night when I was watching it last night I told Dom I said, you know what this guy this is sort of guy who has a tick-tock Who like goes out into a meadow? It is like, let me show you the most awesome flower. I love this flower right here. This flower right now, this flower blooms every single spring and gives off the most amazing scent. You have to try it. If you're in a meadow, you have to stop what you're doing and smell this flower. It's like, I don't fucking care about this flower. But you know, he has a TikTok that's full of that and every single one has a million views for some reason, because it's a hot guy talking about flowers.

Yeah, and he's amazed by simple, like every simple thing that happens. This is water that comes out of a refrigerator. A refrigerator, it's already refrigerated and it's filtered. So you, it's amazing. And it's like 97,000 views, you know, 97 million views. Yeah, and he's like the type of person who's like, and here's another thing, you can actually drink this.

I love it. You'll never want for anything more because you'll just have this water right now. Shut up. Shut up. So he's like, so he arrives, right? And so the girl's like, whoa, this guy's fine. And Sonny's like, that is a model.

My jaw's on the floor. And Ben's like, all right, well, listen here, Dylan, you might be very, very attractive. Apparently all the girls think so, but you can't be Lee Deckhand yet. I mean, just make sure that your personality is as strong as those gorgeous cheekbones. God, you want to make out. Well, you know what? Ben tells me he's not made a decision yet on Lee Deckhand. It's fully understandable. You have to have me prove myself and I'm ready to go. I'm ready to show them what Dylan has got, wink. I'm like, oh gosh.

Oh God. Oh, and third person, no Dylan. It's amazing how quickly he can destroy his hotness goodwill, you know? I feel like that's why so many hot people are silent. They've learned. They've learned. Just be quiet, you know? I feel like that's why so many hot people are silent. They've learned. They've learned. Just be quiet.

You know what I mean? You're so much hotter when you're quiet. And that goes for ugly people too. I feel like most of us are hotter when we're just quiet. You know? It's not until people open their mouths that you realize what douchebags they are. So just in general, let's all just be quiet.

I know. I wanna work on that, which is funny because we spend about 45 hours a week talking But not outside of work. Yeah outside of work. I'm like, please don't speak to me Need to be silent strong side to it for very important conversations. I'm having during the daytime You realize if you're not the strong silent type that means you automatically are the weak chatty type That was our alternate title for this podcast. Weak chatty types. So now Fraser's bringing breakfast to everyone and Dylan is doing that thing with the chain that we haven't seen in a few seasons where you go

into like that random like death hole in the boat and have to poke out a chain with a stick. Yeah. And now everyone here comes a French toast with a core of maple syrup. Leslie, please stop touching the boat. How many times do we have to tell you? Stop it. Touch the French toast instead. And he's like, would you like some sausage Skrillex?

And the husband's like, oh, she's got plenty sausage on this trip, don't you worry, kid. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Why does every guest this season think that we wanna hear about, like want to picture them fucking their nasty spouse? Like, nobody wants that vision in our heads, sirs. I just think it's a weird thing, a weird joke to make about like,

to like a waiter about like your wife. You know? You're thinking your wife? I don't know, I just don't think. I can't imagine my dad doing that. Me neither, yeah. But I think it's vacation humor where they're like, we're wacky and fun, look we fuck all the time.

Right guys, right? Wacky and fun, you know, mortgage all the time. Right guys? Right? It's wacky and fun. You know, mortgage officers and loan officers, you know? Mortgage brokers and loan officers, the wackiest type. So now- Guys, it's just to hear something big that's about to hit big. We're going to talk and I've got major concerns, major.

Coming around this side, he might get too close. Might murder the entire city. We all could die at any moment. We're two crew down, we're three bases short of a home run. side. He might get too close. Mark murdered the entire city. We all could die any moment. We're two crew down. We're three bases short of our own run. We're ready to shoot and we're fine. We made it. Everything's fine, buddy. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Yeah, it was a lot of drama because there was a big red boat. There was a big red boat just out of nowhere in Grenada.

And I kind of liked that big red boat. I kind of want to know what was going on on it. It was great. But they're like, we have to draw, we have to park our car next to a bigger car. What are we going to do? It was fun. Everything was fun. It was so much drama.

It was so much drama. And they even put a commercial break in the middle of it. They really acted like that St. David was about to like crash into a cafe, you know, Australian style. David was about to crash into a cafe, Australian style. It was fun, everything was fun. It's amazing how they can do that every episode. And now we're gonna talk.

It's the most terrifying talking we've ever had. All right, we're fond of it. We made it, we made it. So now it's time to say goodbye to these guests. And Leslie's like, oh, I'm getting a little bit emotional thinking about how many of you are improperly invested. So. Oh.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Gil Gil, that's what he says, that's good boy. And Dirkish just wanna part that with you as he get off the boat. So yeah, they also. All right, I just like to say goodbye and Tecnaia de conma. All right, Leslie That's don't touch the boat Leslie

I Just want to say Leslie Fes or and Laurie do see your interest rates are going down it's like Listen, Sal Karen Skrillex Aptal. Means your Skrillex hair is stupid Liz. Get off the boat. All right, so they're gone.

She gives a nice, she gives like a whole thing. She's like, and this is gonna make me emotional. This is something that has been on my bucket lists of mine, which is selling six loans all at once. Wow, thank you guys. You're great customers. You guys really exceeded all expectations. So she chokes up because this was the trip

of a lifetime for her. And then they go. Oh God, Sunny's hit her bucket list everybody. Throw her overboard. You did it. It's time to go. You've accomplished everything you need to accomplish. Goodbye.

Glee-ha. So now they all change. And so Ben and Sunny are kissing in the toy garage and Sunny's talking about how she was in love once, she was in love with a mountaineer but she's a mermaid and he's the one that got away I guess but now she's got Ben. I'm like wow, that's a sad trajectory for your love life.

That really is and it's also showing a little bit crazy. You've been with Ben for two seconds. Okay. It's like yeah, now I have Ben. Like, you've been with Ben for two seconds. Okay? It's like, yeah, now I have Ben. Like, dun, dun, dun. So you have bad taste and you're crazy. That's what I'm seeing so far. So Sunny is talking to Dylan and trying to get a read on him.

And she asks him if he drinks. And he's like, I'm really hard on myself. And if you give me a choice between like, McDonald's, the salad with broccoli, I'll really hard on myself. And if you give me a choice between like McDonald's, the salad with broccoli, I'll take the salad with broccoli because here's the thing, I used to be really, really fat. I'm like, oh no. Oh God, here we go.

I hate when that's, now listen, this is someone who really is on a mission to stop talking about, oh my God, I'm so fat. I'm really trying, it's hard to unprogram yourself. So I kind of get it. But what's even worse than making your personality like, oh my god, I need to lose weight is I've lost weight. Oh my god, I can't I can't please don't tell this story 30 times a day, even though I know you're about to.

Well, here it comes. You know, I was always bullied for being not attractive and overweight. And I was very insecure in so many ways. And I decided it's either going to break me or make me so I decided I'm going to get better body than all of them. And we're seeing pictures of young Dylan who's like a chubby. And, and then he says, you know what my proudest accomplishment is the double chest bump look. And so he does like a pecs black, black pack flex. And this is James, and this is Barry. I was like, you know, James and I hate Barry. And you know what, here's the thing, like, if you were bullied and stuff like that, I don't like to hear the story. Like, I was bullied

by thin people. So I became thinner than them. That's such a lame, uninspiring story. Like, how about I was bullied, so I learned how to find people's social security to ruin their credit and destroy their lives. That's what I wanna hear. I wanna hear a good old fashioned fucking revenge story. Take out the bullies, don't become one. Like, what the fuck kind of story is this?

Am I supposed to be rooting for you? Kill the bullies. Well, I think that the- Yeah, I think that the- They murder a lot today. The progressive message would be that you learn to love yourself for who you are and who cares about people.

They're probably insecure with their own things and you are perfectly happy with the body that you have. But the teen movie version is, yeah, I was chubby so I came back and now I'm like a stud and now I'm going to like get the girl and you know, go be the prom king. Well, this is the middle of that story, right? Where he's still learning the lesson.

Like he's finally got the goal where he's like, I'm thin now, I can do whatever I want because I'm thin. I'm gonna push a fat person into a locker. You know, that's coming. But then he's gonna like learn that that's not all there is to life. And like, he shouldn't be thin just to appease bullies, you know, because right now it's a sad story, Dylan,

got to tell you, okay? Yeah. That's why nobody wants to fucking give you high fives when you're running. Fucking weirdo. That being said, great work. Great work. Now personality next, that's gonna be the harder one.

You can't just eat broccoli and have that be fixed. So, I was about to say eating broccoli isn't a personality, but we all know that's a lie. Yeah, welcome to Los Angeles. I'm sure you all know that's a lie. Welcome to like food culture. Like right now it's cabbage is the thing, cabbage is personality.

I'm glad that I was out of that trend. I wrote a empty handset about cabbage like six weeks ago and then the New York Times like two weeks ago was like, cabbage is the new cool vegetable. And I was like, yeah, I know bitches. Cabbage is my personality. Broccoli's next year. I'm gonna make cabbage for like a year on this show.

So, specifically purple cabbage with my Asian slaw salad, thanks. Hi, but this is like a green cabbage moment for me. So it's like not quite the same. Oh my God, you're so unique. Yeah, it's like cabbage. I is like a green cabbage moment for me. So it's like not quite the same. Oh my God, you're so unique. Yeah, it's like cabbage. I'm like- Back to the basics. I'd have to say that like,

if you had to like see where I was, I'm like, am I like INTJ or whatever, Myers Briggs? I think my Myers Briggs is cabbage. Sorry, who's Myers Briggs? Were they fat? Because I'm not anymore. Put the fat person down. Okay, so now Zanny FaceTimes her mom,

and you know, her mom's showing off the goats. Yeah, and Ben says hi. It's like they're like, oh, he's like, oh, I love your daughter, all that stuff. And then we have a tip meeting, and Fraser's walking, he's like looking for the rose at a poor, and he like walks by calling us, where's the rose, and close that fly please,

which is exactly how you would expect Fraser to make that request. They got $30,000, which is a really good tip. And Dylan's even getting some money, which is pretty good. He's like, oh my God, I hope I don't eat this. Let's start moving. which is pretty good. He's like, oh my God, I hope I don't eat this. Someone stop me. I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna stop. I'm gonna stop.

I'm gonna stop. Dylan is so obsessed that it's gonna, I'm gonna be triggered this whole time. You are. This is gonna be a difficult second half of the season for you. Only, I like when they're like only nine episodes left. I'm like, yeah, that's called half a season.

Only nine. That's called an entire season of episodes. We're only on episode eight. Only nine, that's called an entire season of shows. We're only on episode eight. Only 14 episodes left before three weeks off in another 18 episodes. Only three full months to go. Only three full months to go before we go to an identical spin-off of this show that's just slightly different. So, what's next? I guess Below Deck Sailing is next, right?

I don't know about that. I wonder what's gonna happen with that one with Gary. I'm assuming they fired him. They probably had to reshoot it. Well, not until the season was already shot, I thought. So, I don't know. I don't know what's gonna go on with that. I think they're just holding it.

They're like, we'll just wait. We'll just wait for people to forget that Gary's a sexual assaul that. I think they're just holding it. They're like, we'll just wait. We'll just wait for people to forget that Carrie's a sexual assaulter. I feel like next season of Below Deck Sailing is just gonna be like a raft with like a sad little t-shirt as a sail because that boat gets in worse and worse. It already is in that, isn't it?

That's not why it's fun. I think that is why it's fun. It's just like the most decrepit vessel, like not just on Bravo, like on the high seas. Below Deck Popsicle Sticks. I know Carrie has a lot of nerve comparing this to the Titanic vessel like not just on Bravo like on the high seas. Below deck popsicle sticks. I know Carrie has a lot of nerve comparing this to the Titanic when we have Captain Glenn's ship over there that's actively sinking as we speak. Okay so now it's time to go out and party and so Fraser is talking in the van about how hot

Dylan is and Kyle's like look look at him, I'd fuck him for fuck's sake. Yeah. And then they get to the restaurant and like cheers and shots. I also want to point out, by the way, I do feel like it's important. Sunny, like she comes out with her look for the evening as she's like wearing kind of like a shirt that's like open down to her navel. And so it's like, and her breasts are kind of in the shirt a little bit. So it's very plunging neckline and sexy.

And it's like, oh, it's sunny. But then Zandy coincidentally wears a top that's just like a boom, like the boobs are out. It's big. And I think this is an important point. I think it informs the drama that happens later. The boobs of it all? The boobs of it all.

I do think so. So- It doesn't matter. I mean, boobs make huge differences. I mean, there's a whole industry boobs. Look at what people do for boobs, you know? I mean, I don't understand them, mine are natural. So I guess it's just, that's my privilege.

What you won't do, do for boobs. Yeah. I'm gonna make it closer to my belly button. That would be great. I'd really love them to hit me in the face more whenever I do any kind of movement. So they all go out. Meanwhile, we cut to Captain Curry alone on the yacht,

practicing his Turkish. He's like Kader Khan Hercules Jemide noise got that one, right? That means the boob industry isn't fair. But what is? You know, I used to go to high school with someone named Kadar. I think he may have actually been Turkish It all comes full circle, huh? What does Kader mean? You just looked it it up I mean obviously we all know that kadar stands for I mean do I even have

to say it it stands for the much it stands for much. Kadar means much. Wait, so Kadar's, I can't believe. Your friend was just like a Rose Lutton. My son, much. Kadar. And his brother, a lot. That's what Kadar's name meant all this time, much? I don't know, maybe it was in a different language. And also, you never know with Google Translate.

You know, it tells you some crazy shit. Because remember when we were in Mexico and I kept trying to use Google Translate and people kept laughing at me because I was saying everything incorrectly. I mean, I've never felt like that much of an asshole. Okay, so Barbie is like, guys, I just had a deja vu. What do you think about deja vu?

Do you even think deja vu is a thing? Like, is that legitimate? What do you guys think about it? Ladies and gentlemen, the McLaughlin Group has been rebooted. Okay. Barbie is leading the round table. If there is another seat available on the view, please contact Barbie.

She has thoughts and opinions and questions. And Dylan's like, I think, uh, it sounds like I think there's multiple timelines and I think it's a memory you have from a different timeline. Yeah. Like a timeline where we've all just sunken and died on the Titanic. I think the leap timelines don't have calories. This is what- This is what-

You know what? Hollywood has to be more responsible. Hollywood has put out all these multiverse movies recently. You can't do that. Look what's happening to these idiots. They all now think Deja Vu is because we're in a multiverse. Yeah. So, Barbie and Sunny are laughing in their confessional about what an idiot this guy

is. And they're like, oh my God, he just needs to not speak. You know? They're like, just please don't talk because God, you're so hot. Just be quiet. Yeah. And so then Fraser's like, guys, I have a bug in my drink. It looks like cat. And then Kyle comes over and slips the bug out of his drink. And he's like, Oh my God.

And he's I think he's like turned on by it. I think so. I mean, listen, it's slim pickings. It's slim pickings on the boat being gay or straight. Right? Yeah. I mean, look how well Ben does Ben does. But it's especially slim if you're gay. I mean, any attention from another guy when you're gay. I think someone's slurping a bug out of my drink, I'd be like, the tot for now. Let's figure out how to make this marriage work. Yeah, so they all go off to smoke,

and so then Anthony and Dylan are talking, and Anthony's like, oh, ladies look good tonight, eh? And Dylan's like, you're really sexy, bro, really sexy. He's like, oh, ladies look good tonight, eh? And Dylan's like, yeah, really sexy, bro, really sexy. He's like, yeah, you know, like, but unfortunately, Sonny is with Ben. He's like, well, maybe I'll wait for the others too.

No, no, because I'm waiting for the others too. I hope she's hot, right? Oh yes, I really hope she's hot. It's like neither of you guys are gonna get the others too, whoever it is. Yeah, you're not, sorry. You're always gonna be those guys sitting in the back, like, all right, just waiting my turn. So let's see. Where are we? Yeah, so now they're like,

Frasier saying how he needs to talk to Anthony about the galley because it's really disorganized. And he phrases also feeling like he's doing like way too much for what's expected and, but he's gonna like tell Anthony. I'm sorry, did we see Fraser cleaning the galley? No. Did I miss this scene? Because Fraser is acting like he's been down there helping this guy do things. And he could be, because there is that aspect to Bullet Deck where I'm just like,

oh, this has been a fun half an hour scrolling on my phone. Like I get it. But was there a scene where he was helping him? Cause he literally acted like he helped him and he did not to my recollection. I don't think anyone helped him, which is why there was such a, so fuck off. Yeah. I'm a natural. So then we go back to Dylan who this is apparently another side of his personality is that he likes to say things in a high pitched voice. He starts going, you guys good. You guys good.

is that he likes to say things in a high pitched voice. He starts going, you guys good? You guys good? All right, let's go, you guys good? You guys good? Yeah. Poor Dylan. Imagine working out that much because you were bullied and then turn on the TV and having the gorgeous girls

making fun of you and how you just need to shut up. It also is so reassuring to know that like personality can win at the end of the day. Meaning that like, but it doesn't matter how good he looks. Well, yeah, I think, you know, he may look really good, but his corn, he's just too much for corn ball. Yeah. Um, okay. So, but isn't that, isn't that personality losing at the end of the day? Not winning?

Well, no, meaning that personality matters is what matters the most. Matters, yeah. Yeah, it matters the most. So it wins by mattering more, but it causes him to lose by mattering more. Yeah. So guys, be the whole package.

That's all we're asking. Whole package. Just be everything to everyone all at once. Yeah. It's also a very good movie. So now they're at the club. And Dylan's like we're asking. Just be everything to everyone all at once. Okay, this is also a very good movie. So now they're at the club and Dylan's like, vibe time, vibe time baby, it's vibe time baby,

let's go, vibe time, vibe time. Vibe time, don't say vibe time, okay? I'm just saying this right now, especially in that pitch. You're not gonna win the girls by going around going, no vibe time, no more vibe time. So Zandi is dancing by herself and Ben's kind of, you know, walking around hugging her, getting all touchy, and he's like, you're my favorite.

And he's all handsy with her and gets really mad because she has just told us that Ben is basically her new love story and then he does this. Yeah, and like, it's no surprise because Zandy, she has these enormous gorgeous breasts. And so they are like, they're just like wafting around in the club. So of course Ben is going to float to them, you know, like you just know, and then he's just sort of like lingering around.

He's going to try to sort of get a free graze, a free touch, you know, feel them on his chest. That's what he's trying to do right now. Let's be honest. Yeah. And he's just been, he's just been gross. Dom is just laughing at me over here at the side. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He Dom just had to leave the room because he can't believe the things that are coming out of my mouth. He's just, now he's just walking, he's leaving. He's exiting.

Love it. Okay, so Sunny is now pissed, right? So she's in the bathroom like, I'm so pissed. And what's her problem? This is not your love story with the bed. This is the Sunny story, it's not the band's story. So I need you to concentrate on this is you and not him, okay? Yeah, unfortunately though, the Sonny story

is not a terribly interesting story. That's the bad part about it. So they get into the bands and call like, Frasier, I love you, I honestly love you. And Frasier goes, but give us a kiss then. And then they start to make out right there in the van. Yeah, I was cheering. I was cheering too.

We don't get to see that a lot, you know? So I was like, oh my God, representation. Yeah, and you know what? I also loved how Ben was like, oh, and they were just all like kind of like laughing and like cheering it on. They weren't like scandalized. They weren't like, oh my God, like a gay kiss.

They just, it was just like, it was just like a big tawdry moment the way any other tawdry moment happens in the vans. I was just so grateful it wasn't Kyle from the other bloo deck. I was like, thank God, thank God it's Fraser. Thank you, thank you God. Thank you.

Thank you for the small things, you know? So then Fraser is like, people love making out with me, especially straight guys. You know, sometimes they like to show me their appreciation with a kiss. I'm not mad about it. To be fair, Kyle was probably so wasted he thought he was making out with Tilda Swinton. Who wouldn't when you get the chance? You know what I'm saying? Please this thing happened. Drive him back to the club until Swinton was right there in the van and also we know I had to make out with her. Okay, so Sonny's giving Ben the cold shoulder now and he just doesn't

understand it. He's like, what? Just don't get it. I don't understand how I'm all over that girl at the club and she's mad, which I probably did on purpose to make her mad and now I just don't get it. I mean, I try with these girls, but they're just always so mean to me. I just need to go make out with someone else now and this is all gonna be her fault in about five minutes. It's like the fuck boy playbook, here we go.

Here it is. He says it. He goes, he's like, you know, it's such a rollercoaster with Sonny. One moment she's kissing me, the next she's giving me the cold shoulder. I just don't know what to do. This is why I don't get attached to people anymore because there's too much bullshit that comes with relationships. Okay. Okay. Woe is you, you, the innocent victim here. You just have to protect your heart here. He acts like she just is so fickle and mercurial and this

just happens to happen. And God, women are crazy. Do you not remember that you actually like undermined her publicly on the radio and embarrassed her? That's why she got mad at you. And by the way, that was the only thing that she got mad at you about and you're acting like it was constantly that she was going hot and cold, hot and cold. It was actually just one time. And the second time is when you went up to Zandi and we're all handsy with her and it may have been innocent, but it actually, honestly, I actually, um, on team sunny about this one, I don't think that she's being like crazy jealous. I think it looked like you were moving, like you were trying to make moves on Zandi. So of course she's going to be upset, but he makes it seem like, Oh wow. She's just like inherently unstable.

And this is why you have to protect your heart because these unstable, dangerous people are just gonna stomp all over you. No, fuck yourself. Yeah, but here's what kills me. I know that Sunny's gonna be like, I'm so mad. Okay, I'm not mad anymore. Yeah, that thing said. And that's what makes me fucking crazy.

That she even cares that this fucking loser, who she knows is a fucking loser. She knows it. She's already talking about him being her next love story and all worked up over him. It's Ben, come on. Like, have some fucking loser. She knows it. She's all already talking about him being her next love story and all worked up over him. It's Ben. Come on. Like, have some fucking taste. Like, how many times do I have to see this on Below Deck? Honestly, the one who was really the best at this was Mads from last season on Sailing, who was basically, you know, we were so worried for her because she was like, yeah, I'm just fucking Gary because I'm horny. Oh, well.

And we're like, oh, here it comes. And then she's going to get her feelings. And she just never did all season. She's like, yeah, I'm just, just fucking him. Don't fuck you. Yeah. She was like, yeah, I really wanted to actually get with Alex, but I ruined it

because I'm sleeping with Gary. So I guess I'll just keep fucking him. She did it right. Only to the point where she actually hurt the feelings of the fuck boy. Yeah. Which was great. Which was wonderful. Okay. So now we get some, we start watching Dylan unravel.

It's late night and he's unraveling. He's like, Oh, man's, oh man's vibe, oh man's vibe. Oh, tuna, tuna vibe. Oh, it's a tuna vibe. Oh God, I better do a big gym session tomorrow after this. Oh God. Hot boy dick vibe, hot boy dick vibe. Oh, God. I was like, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, she's like looking for a cigarette or something and he's like, oh, I threw it out because I thought it was wet.

So I threw it out. She goes, okay, copy. And just walks away. So she's all angry. And then she goes up to Barbie and she's like, I can't be nice to Zandy right now. I'm like jealous, obviously. I can't be around them when they're together.

I'm like, ew, you're jealous of Ben? Come on, Sunny. Yeah, Do better. Fraser is like, well, he has had his eyes on you since he got on the boat. And she goes, yeah, cause I made it happen,

not cause he wanted it, I just made him on me. And they're like, no, come on now, that's not right. And so Barbie goes and tells Zandi, she's like, listen, you know, you should probably talk to Sonny because, you know,

Ben wants to take care of you cause you're drinking and I guess he's being a good guy, but you know, I know to take care of you because you're drinking and I guess he's being a good guy. But you know, I know that it's just you guys have a sister and brother relationship, but not everybody really gets that. So Sandy's like, I probably have more chemistry towards her than to Ben, but I want Ben in my life because he's like my brother, like my really pervy kind of gross brother. And Barb is like, yeah, well, she doesn't get that.

So Zandy is like, well, you know, Sunny has nothing to worry about. Like this is ridiculous. Like I just, Ben's just like my friend. But then Sunny, then she turns it and she's like, well, fuck her then. I didn't do anything to that fucking girl. Fuck that girl.

Yeah. Now I kind of get that, but at the same time, you know, she didn't say anything to you, Barbie did. So like if Sunny had done something, I get it. But this is Ben, and you can't tell me that you don't see that Ben is acting like that towards you. If you know Ben is hooking up with Sunny and then Ben's all over you, you don't think that's creepy? I'm sorry with this brother and sister bullshit, but ugly brothers and sisters don't do that. You know what I mean? It's only the hot. It's only the hot ones. I support Zandy the situation. I understand her. She's like, why am I the one that she's

mad at? It's because it's also like, if Sunny's gonna be mad at anyone, she should be mad at Ben. I'm just saying don't be mad at her, be mad at Ben. Okay, I'm sorry. I'll be quiet. Make your point. Well, no. I mean, if I were Zandy, I'd be mad at Sunny because Sunny's mad at Ben. Okay, I'm sorry. I'll be quiet. Make your point. Well, no, I mean, if I were, if I were Zandi, I'd be mad at at Sunny because Sunny's mad at her. Like, you're mad at me. This is bullshit. I'm not gonna be like, I'm not doing anything. So then Fraser checks in on Zandi and then she's like, she thinks that she thinks that me and Bennett have a

romantic connection. And then Sunny, of course, then Sunny does this she slinks into Ben's bed and she's like you know when Zandy's drunk she's all about you and that triggers me so much look if Sunny's horny and just wants to have sex I totally support it go go have sex you know but like this whole thing like crawling back like hoping to get get Ben's affections to wrestle the back of Andy. And villainizing the woman in this situation is so fucking gross. And of course she does that.

It's like, you know that she's gonna, you know that she's just that good. You can just sense it about Sunny. You know she's gonna fucking do that. But she's like crawling back into his bed and villainizing the other woman. But then, so to me, so is Andy. She's villainizing the woman. Villainized Ben, that guy was clearly all over you

at the bar, and if he's hooking up with someone else, he's clearly being disrespectful to that person. Whether you think he's really romantically into you or not, clearly he's being a dick to that girl. So now, again, it's gonna become about the girls fighting over this fucking piece of shit guy who's just not treating anyone well. You know? And who also is gonna, as we see, about the girls fighting over this fucking piece of shit guy who's just not treating anyone well.

And who also is gonna, as we see, is literally going to drop Sonny in a second the moment a new hot stew comes on board, as seen in the trailer. So basically, Zandy's like, we weren't committed and you were acting crazy with me and you're always angry with me and you're always, bah, bah, bah.

Yeah, it's like, I don't know. Like, I feel like I don't know who you are sometimes. Like, sometimes you're just really sweet and then you get cold and I just don't understand. I just met someone who's like, I don't know. Like, I feel like I don't know who you are sometimes. Like sometimes you're just really sweet and then you get cold and I just don't understand. I just made someone who like is just a little bit more relaxed. I mean, we've seen this a million times on below deck, all the below decks that this happens. Yeah. Well, gross. And you would think that these people would watch bullet deck and learn, you know, but you don't learn, you know, and these guys just keep getting promoted. Well, you know, daddy issues never go away.

So because that's what I always blame everything on daddy issues. But I do think that there's something to it. Well, daddy issues are unlike daddy's. They stay. That's there. They're in is the dark note. I know. We have a nice dark recap. Well everyone, watch out for the ocean and daddy issues. Glad you all listened.

Listen, if the ocean doesn't drown you, surely your daddy issues will. Surely your lifetime of trauma will. Well, what a delight everyone. Thanks so much for listening. We appreciate you. We got so many great recaps coming up later this week. Be sure to go to our website, buy tickets to our shows if you're in town or thinking about

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