Watch What Crappens - #2370 The Valley: Two Tit Circus

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

Jax tries again to ruffle Kristen’s feathers (ca-caw!) on The Valley, and it just might work this time at his circus themed guy’s night. Two carnival themes in a row. Fit for a clown. Let’s get to the dunk machine!  Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What the Crap, and it's the podcast for all that crap we'd love to talk about on Yale Broves. I'm Ronnie. That is Ben over there. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Good.

Welcome to the Valley recap. Yes. So exciting. The Valley, episode two. It's the Val, guys. Super happy to be here. Super happy you're here Val guys. Super happy to be here. Super happy you're here guys. Hope you're there live with us

at our small intimate gathering in LA. Our show that we're doing in LA in May for Netflix. Comedy is a joke festival. And then also we're going to Europa for three cities, Dublin, London and Birmingham, the end of May. So come see that. We don't know what we're gonna do there. Just think it's gonna be super fun though.

I can see that. We don't know what we're gonna do there. Just think it's gonna be super fun though. Oh, I can guarantee that. And today it is the Valley. We're on video on Patreon, so hi. You can watch a week later, if you're not on Patreon, for free on our YouTube. Just search for Watch What Crap Is. Tons of videos there.

And if you want them right now, get on our Patreon. What are you waiting for, okay? So here we are with The Val. What are you waiting for? Okay? So here we are with The Vow. What you thinking, Ben? God, I really resent how much I'm enjoying this show. Oh, I have a huge apology to make. Huge, huge, huge apology. I think last week on The Valley recap,

I may have said something to the effect of like, I kind of feel bad for Brittany because she seems like a generally sweet person who just sort of been, you know, like brought into this world with Jacks and like she just made some bad. No, no. She's just terrible person. She's terrible. She's the downfall of society. And I forgot the downfall. I had forgotten that I had been, I've been removed enough from her that I was conned by her, like her sweet presenting nature. But she's terrible. She's a terrible person. So I apologize to

everyone who had to listen to me actually say something complimentary towards her. This is why she's terrible. Because she acts nice and she fools people into thinking she's not terrible. That was her whole thing. And when she really got me, and you know, I know a lot of the time it's like, well, it sucks that it took this because there were so many other signs, like for example, being with Jax.

And does that mean being with a terrible partner makes you terrible? Yeah, kind of, because you're foisting that partner on the rest of us, you fucking asshole. So yeah, you do have to think of other people when you choose a partner. But it was that whole thing on their wedding and they got the homophobic priest and then she was like rolling her eyes and all pissed that anybody would

even get mad at it. And that's the kind of fucking person like smiling in your face and being all goofy, like I had guy friends. How could you say that? I'm a dog guy. Well, you're sitting here supporting someone who is, and then refusing to admit it when you're called out on it who is and then refusing to admit it when you're called out on it and just acting like the gays are so overdramatic.

Now listen, that's extremely old news. I don't mean to be getting into gayness and all of that stuff, but it just reminded me at the time of people who are like that smiling in your face, like, I love you, but you're going to hell, which I grew up with my whole life. And I just remember being so pissed off in that recap. I mean, shocker, I love you, but you're going to hell, which I grew up with my whole life. And I just remember being so pissed off in that recap. I mean, shocker, I know, but I just remember getting so pissed and I've never forgiven this twit

because she's just the fucking same. And like I said before, not only is she a monster and not only is Jax a monster, but they've Xeroxed themselves and put themselves back into the world. And to that I say, we have to stop this. I mean, we need to start making licenses to have babies. You can't just, if I can't fucking drive a car until a certain age, why are you allowed to put a fucking human being into the world

whenever you want? Yeah, I think that's, that's fair. There should be a standardized test. There's so many things in life, you know, There should be a test for owning a gun and there should be a test for having a baby. You have to be responsible. And babies should be tested before they can own guns. Yes, I think that's probably the safest thing of all is that a baby should not own a gun until they're tested. But that being said, gosh, I was laughing.

Every time Brittany was on the screen, I just laughed because she is like a parody of herself, the way she talks. I mean, she really is like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, she makes excuses for him, she's terrible. But you told me last week about how, did you say it on the recap?

Maybe you did about because of her plastic surgery, she has like a, her face is like stuck in a frown. It's like palsied or something. Yeah, she like palsied it or something. Apparently she's out of it. Like she, I read an article about it and she was like, well, the doctor started me fixed by the time I started filming, we weren't ready yet.

So I sort of had this frown the entire time and you're probably watching like, why is she frowning so much? But guess what, thank God, it's all fixed now. Thank God, thank Jesus. So apparently it's like- Mayor Frown is back to just, it's natural because of Jax's style.

It's all founded. Yeah. It's like my life's choices led me here, Frown. But it does make me sort of giggle that like, wow, you were terrible in that the way you will go out of your way to make excuses for Jax and like enable his behavior, but your punishment is that you have to spend this whole season sort of frowning the entire time and trying to smile through this frown.

But it's also the fact that she is not only that she apologizes for it because she does do that all the time, but she agrees with it. She just doesn't admit that she agrees with that. And you get it. We get a little taste of that at the end of the episode today where you see how she really fucking feels, you know? And that's the problem. That's the problem with me.

Now, is Brittany the worst on the show? Probably not. I think she just angers me the most because like I said, she's the trickiest, you know? And someone like Jack's like, you know, he's a piece of shit. He's so upfront about it. But it's the tricky ones like Brittany who will fuck you up, you know? he's a piece of shit. He's so upfront about it. But it's the tricky ones like Britney

who will fuck you up, you know? So here we go. My favorite thing to ever happen on this show. Oh, I owe some apologies too. It's not a state on his arm, Jesse's arm. I said he's got a state tattooed on his arm. It's not, it's a Pomeranian. Terrible tattoo.

It's just a strange outline of a Pomeranian, which turns out when out of context and at different angles, which is what will happen in a tattoo, looks sort of like a state or just kind of like a weird blotch. I think I just saw the weird lines and thought, what the fuck could that be? I guess it's a state. Like what else would it be?

You know? And as long as we're apologizing for Jesse things, it turns out that no, Bunny is his daughter's middle name after all. Yes, that was my second apology. Sorry, everybody. That was good. We got a lot of responses about that tattoo and Bunny.

I'm surprised that so many people were up on that. You never know what's the thing that's gonna elicit a big audience response. What's just amazing that I can sit here and take notes for two and a half hours and still get basic things like that wrong, you know? And then argue about it like, no, Ben, that's not the truth. Here's what happened. It's a state and the daughter's favorite animal is a bunny. Okay? I mean, look, I think you're forgiven for not realizing that tattoo is a Pomeranian

because it's just... Oh, thanks. Sorry, it does not read as a Pomeranian because it's just, oh thanks. Sorry, it does not read as a Pomeranian. You have to look at it as a specific way for it to be a Pomeranian. Any other way, it literally looks like the outline of a neighborhood. Also, those aren't arms that you have to stare at. You know what I mean?

They're not arms that are like, oh, look at that arm. Oh, I need to see that again. It's not a person you have to stare at. And then like every time the arm comes on, you're like, I need to see that arm again. It's like you see it and it's like, oh, bad tattoo, weak arm, move on, you know? Listen, I'm not judging the weak arm.

I'm just saying, I don't need to stare at it, but people did get screenshots of that. We got it. We got a lot of feedback about that. So that was our blunder. But my favorite thing so far is Kristen's line from last week, I'm 40 now, and so far is Kristen's line from last week. I'm 40 now, and so the valley is where I need to be.

What the fuck kind of thing is that to say? I can't get over that. When did the valley just become where old people go to die? I don't know, but I love the, I also love the metaphorical implications. Like she already had her peaks and now she's in her valley. She's like, yeah, I need to be in my valley right now. I need to be at the nadir. This is valley time.

I'm 40 and in LA, I'm decrepit. So it's time for me to recede into the shadows of the valley of death. So then we hear the song. This time I listened for it and yeah, I heard the guy's voice, the Randy Newman Newman ask kind of Kenny Loggins e2 Especially because it's like I'm all right. I'm all right I'm all right Cuz I'm all right. It's not the song they're singing the is not the opening song like yeah Which is not to be confused with the Kenny Loggins song. I'm all right You know, here Kenny Shaq.

Here's a Huey Lewis one they need to heed. Gotta find a new drug. Oh, I love that song. Sorry, I was trying to think of it. How does that song go? Need a new drug. Nothing makes me feel like there when I'm with you. One new drug. Yeah, they need a new drug on this show Nothing makes me feel like when I'm with you. When I'm with you.

Yeah, they need a new drug on this show because like how much can the nasal passages take and take it from someone who loves that drug or liked it, liked it, we need a new drug. But I'll tell you what song they will not be singing on the show because it's really antithetical to everything that they want. Don't need money, don't need fame.

They're like, no, cancel the song. That's everything that they want. Don't need money, don't need fame. They're like, no, cancel the song. That's everything that they need. They literally need money and fame. Yeah, they won't be singing nine to five. Don't need no credit cards or a news plate. It's like they need the credit card. Cause I'm all right. Okay, so then after that theme song,

they really do have a template for this music, which is, you know, what we just talked about. And this one is the song is funny. It's I got $22 and a couple of smokes. I got 15 minutes and a couple of jokes. Everybody's laughing because they've run out of hope. We got 14 nights. It's about to get cold.

Wow. This song was so self-aware. I was like, wow, whoever they hired for this knows what show they're on. They're like, it's just sad. Just mix some open mics in there with running out of hope and put it to a couple of chords. Yeah, I think that probably the person who wrote the song

probably is just someone who auditioned for the show. I mean, right? Like it just sort of, yeah. Captures so much of the valley. This is just Dana from Vanderpump Rules. Yeah, so they go to the smokehouse, which I'm surprised they've never been to the smokehouse before on Bravo, it seems like.

They haven't been there. They did? Have you? No, I've been there. No, I'm saying I'm surprised on the show. You know, what's funny is that our friends David and Angie invited me to have dinner with them at the smokehouse on Friday.

I feel like that's a very David and Angie place to go. Yeah, I went there with malls I think like two times. Yeah, it's fun. It's like definitely a fun place. So here comes the show to ruin it. So Jack shows up and Kristen shows up and Kristen's like, oh, seriously? Seriously, are we getting bottle service?

Seriously? Because they got a big like red leather booth, you know? And he's like, yeah, you know, I've always wanted to eat here, you know, because like, I should have worked here like when I moved here, because you know, this is where like the directors are and the producers. Yeah, I'm sure they're gonna cast you.

Like I'm sure you're the first actor to take a gig across Warner Brothers and have the brilliant idea that you're going to be cast as the next Batman. So Jack's like, oh yeah, and I know it says Smokehouse and that insinuates me. So sorry about that. And Kristen's like, it goes like, Kristen's like Kristen's like, seriously? Jax and I have known each other for 16 years. I'm vegetarian. So one would think that Jax would know better to take me to a steakhouse, seriously? I'm like, well, you should also know Jax better

to know that he's never gonna pay attention to your vegetarianism. He's gonna purposely take you to steakhouses. That's just how it is. Yeah, just to piss you off. So she orders an iced tea and lemonade. What tea does? Oh!

She's got this new Kristen guttural laugh that I really like. I like that Kristen's just embraced the kind of stumbling out of a trailer in Palm Springs personality. No, not Palm Springs, Palm Desert personality. It's like she said, you know what I'm gonna be? I'm gonna be a character on Poker Face, you know? Exactly, that's what I'm thinking.

That's why I said that. God, we're still on the same page. Actually, no, it wasn't Poker Face. I was thinking of that one with Alison Dubois, the actress who played Alison Dubois. Medium? Medium. Patricia Arquette came out with this show that's on the same channel,

but it took place in Palm Desert, and she's just that kind of character. She drives a car that has no roof because it accidentally went under a semi or something like that. She's just... That's still your show. Shane, I'm surprised you haven't told me about this before.

First of all, it starts Patricia Arquette, and there's someone who has a car that drove under a semi. I'm surprised you haven't told me about this before. First of all, it starts Patricia Arquette and there's someone who has a car that drove under a semi. I just, I'm surprised you have not been like, I've just been watching it all weekend long. I think I did tell you when you were like that stupid, but nevermind. But yeah, I think Kristen is definitely going to be in that genre that she's had in there. Um, so, oh, she sat in there. So, Jax is ordering a regular Coke, makes sense. No one ever said he wasn't a Coke-ed.

So he's like, yeah, yeah, like I should've worked here. So then we, they order, Jax orders a burger with ketchup and cheese only, like he's a kid. And. So they were talking about the party the other day Jacks orders a burger with ketchup and cheese only. Like he's a kid. Ah. So we were talking about the party the other day and Jack's like, yeah, you know, I hope you had fun. That party, yeah. But I just want you to know, like I get you in a corner like that, you know,

with everybody, like get to the firing squad, you know? But when I was saying like, you were standing right there telling us to come aside you. Yeah. But you know, I hope you didn't feel that way. That's exactly what you were doing. Why are you bringing her here for this fucking fake apology? This is classic Jacks. I can't even look at her.

He's like looking around the restaurant. I'm like, yeah, yeah. Just get this out of the way so I can fuck with you some more for the rest of the episode. Yeah. He's classic Jacks. He like, he's a total dick. And then he does the, yeah, you know, I'm sorry.

I got caught up. Isn't me by the way, is Jax's Michigan accent stronger these days or is it just, I'm noticing it more because he hasn't been on screen for as long? I've noticed that he has no nasal capacity left. That's all I noticed. That's the only-

Have you noticed the way little animals come running to the door whenever he breath, inhales? And he has some. Do you ever feel like there's some high pitch frequencies that we can't detect but all the neighborhood critters can? That happens to his nose. Yeah, I'm not detecting much. But then Kristen's like, yeah, well, I guess like what I was trying to figure out is like, why are my guy friends of all of my friends saying like, I don't trust your decisions in your own life, Kristen.

I mean, it's the guys. Kristen, I don't think it needs to really be a gender thing. I think literally everybody is sitting here watching, not trusting your decisions in your life. Let's add them up, okay? We meet Alex later in this episode and can I just say, there's a big six foot four decision that you made.

Yeah. It was pretty glaring. Like a big, like a weird, like it's like someone took Jonah Hill and stretched him northwards. Truly. In the worst way. So Kristen's like, yeah, I don't understand why Jax brought up my most recent ex, Alex. Like I sold my house, I moved in with him, he was the realtor, and then broke up like 17 times

until he kicked me out and sold all my furniture, and then like he wrote, which he wrote off by the way. But like with Luke, we don't yell, we don't scream. Our communication is like super impeccable. Seriously, man, please stop. He's not there, Kristen. He's not there. He's in Colorado.

You're also not holing up in his house. I love this. Okay, so she banged the realtor, which I love that for her, because I've kind of wanted to do that, like let's face it. Especially if you have a hot realtor, rawr. So it's just like a dream, you know?

It's just like a porn setup, right? Yeah. I don't know if she totally cheated the hot realtor thing, but she definitely banged a realtor. Well, it's just like a porn setup, right? Yeah, I don't know that's the hot realtor thing, but she definitely banged a realtor. Well, it's like taking the porn setup, but the homely version, you know, it's like, it's like a pizza delivery guy. He was hideous, you know, but yeah.

I know it's cool because it's like, it made me wonder like what would happen if the penguin were a realtor? And I sort of got to see that a little bit. Yeah, I fucked a cable guy once and it was not what I thought it would be. He's like, so do I get free show time now? He's like, no. Also, I didn't really, I didn't get anything out of it.

I didn't even get like a show time trial or anything. But I did realize something, the same cable guys are always in the neighborhood. I never really noticed that until I fucked one. And then I was like, Oh, you're here again. Comcast more like comcast. More like come fast and leave because I didn't commit to you. So Kristen, okay.

So I've just disturbed everybody in this audience. Okay. So she banged the realtor. They broke up 17 times and now he sold all my furniture that he wrote off, meaning he bought the furniture and you're mad at him because it was basically free to him since he got a write-off of fucking crystal logic. I love it.

Yeah. So then we have a pic of Alex dressed like a penguin at a party speaking in penguins, and that's a representation of how good their communication is, like caca, like I say caca and he comes dressed as a bird, it's like perfect communication, caca! speaking of penguins and that's a representation of how their communication is. Like caca, like I say caca and he comes dressed as a bird, it's like perfect communication, caca! But also aren't penguins like mate-ers for life?

Don't they mate for life? Yeah, I think. Well, not in this case, Alex. Drop the bomb on that one, buddy. Anyway, my point is Jax and Kristen are both disasters. I like Kristen more as a human being. I think she's a decent human being and Jax is not. So I'm team Kristen on this one,

but you know, someone putting up a warning sign isn't the worst thing for you. You know, heed it, heed. Yeah, but also like she's 40 and you've been putting up warning signs for 16 years. You also have to know when to save the ink and just let her, let Wile E. Coyote go over that cliff. He usually winds up okay.

The road's not gonna uncurve itself. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like warning signs, but it doesn't mean don't proceed. Listen, you can put up, it's okay to put up a warning sign, but please don't try to take the gas pedal out of the car. Yeah, okay, I'm with you. But also maybe Kristin shouldn't be driving a car.

So that's the thing. And that's gonna be the constant conversation on this show. Like, well, Jackson's mean, but Kristen's also, but Jackson's, but Kristen's also. And that's the genius of this show. They just put a lot of disasters on TV. And now we're just gonna watch a crash into each other.

It just continues from show to show to show. Lazy Susan of Awful. So Jack says, I'm pretty good at spotting a Chris and Dodie disaster. I can spot it like a mile away. Well, he definitely can sniff it out. He just won't actually smell it. But that's also like being able to spot a mudslide.

It's like seeing a volcano. You know what I mean? It's like, you know what I can tell? I can tell when a volcano's gone off because I can see that plume of ash in the sky. It's like, yeah, congratulations. I bet that baby poops his diapers. Like, yeah, it's a baby.

That's what they do. Stupid. So then we see a 2020 clip where Jack's like, I found out you hooked up with this guy and then there's like a video and Carter saw the video. She's like, um, that video was from like four years ago. So he's like, uh-uh. So you didn't have sex two weeks ago?

And she's like, no, swear to God. And he's like, yeah, well, for someone who talks about the truth a lot, she sure lies a lot. And do you remember this was at Kristen's t-shirt premiere party? How dare you try to ruin it with a sex video? Some might say he sabotaged that burgeoning national brand.

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So. It could have been the new Hanes. It could have been the new Forever 21, Forever 40. So now Jax is like, yeah, well, what about your finances? How are you going to pay for this? Like, you know, you have a baby. What are you going to do? And she's like, you know, that's like one thing I absolutely hate talking about. Finance. Oh. And he's like, yeah, but like Luke said, I would never raise a child here.

So like, what are you going to do? Like raise a child here? Like, what are you going to do? It's like, no, he's absolutely going to raise a child here. He's going to like he's going to move here. OK, like I moved into a new apartment. So he's going to totally move here. He goes,, no, he's absolutely gonna raise a child here. He's gonna move here. Okay, I moved into a new apartment, so he's gonna totally move here. He goes, yeah, but he's not on the lease. And she goes, no, whatever, Jax, ah.

And then we get Kuki, Kristen, pretending she's committed to someone who's not committed to her music. And Jax is like, it's not rocket science to see what's going on here. And I know, because I have been a rocket scientist. I quit it for hockey. I was at social media, got a social media job for rocket science. Yeah. That's how I hired me. I've seen a lot of people like Luke come into Kristen's life and they need therapy after.

They need therapy after. Yeah, well we've seen people come into your life, Jax, and they need Planned Parenthood afterwards. So let's not forget season one. So Kristen, Kristen's like, she's like, Luke is my forever, okay, I see that, I feel that. I think you question whether he's actually different from my other boyfriends. And you go see a sperm donor, sperm donor, all right, sperm donor, all right, Kristen, listen, I've been in your life 20 years, and she goes,

yeah, well, it's been pretty hard for me. Like, this is a general blanket statement. Like life, my life for this past 20 years in general has been pretty hard for me. Yeah. He goes, yeah, I know you pretty darn well. Okay, and you know me pretty darn well. And if I'll do something stupid,

you're gonna call me out on it tomorrow. I mean, that's what friends do. And she's like, Yeah, but like, I just want you guys to start treating him like he's my forever shoulder. And like, yeah, but like I just want you guys to start treating him like He's my forever shoulder and like not like he's just some dude shoulder and like someone like it does like this Anyone even know his last name. Does anyone know where he's from me? This is Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy I like what she does. So like yeah, so I'm actually genuinely asking cuz I don't know his last name or he's from Do we know his last name worries from Luke? I don't don't know his last name or where he's from. I know. Do we know his last name or where he's from?

Luke Boulder. I don't think anybody knows his last name. Luke Boulder. Luke. What was it? I'm saying Luke Boulder. Luke Denver. Luke.

Yeah, we know Colorado. I feel like we're already better than Jax. Yeah. So Jax just gives her a blank face like, why would I know his name? You know? Like what a stupid thing to say. And he goes, okay, but look, Kristen, you're like adding another person to my group,

which is like fine, it's like fine. Like, I mean, it's my group. Like, it's pretty hard to get into, but you know, like you're gonna add a person, like fine. Like I'll let him come to guys night and stuff and I'll learn his name, I'll learn his name. Cause you know what? I don't bring people in easily, you know?

But I was friends with your ex. So like I'm between a rock and a hard place here. And, and so Kristen's like, no, no, no. but I was friends with your ex. So like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Here. And, and Cypress is like, no you're not, I'm more important than him. And he's like, okay, okay, so you have some seniority, which by the way, I didn't even know you were allowed to say the word seniority with this group. It's a little touchy, it's a tricky word.

Yeah, seniority, that's why I moved to the Valley. Right? Jax is like being judgmental in his shady way of bragging. Okay, he has a wife, a son, he has it all, the valley. Jax is like being judgmental in his shady way of bragging. Okay, he has a wife, a son, he has it all, but the truth is, Jax stumbled into a saint that was willing to put up with his bullshit. God bless Brittany. Yeah.

So, I'm sure people say that a lot where Brittany's from. God bless her. God bless her heart. God bless that poor, poor, slow girl. Did you all catch Brittany while she was in town visiting? God bless her. God bless her with that permanent frown. So, uh, the Jacks like, Oh, by the way, yeah, I'm Janet. So that was really fun. It was great seeing Lala and Sheena and Kristen's like, yo, by the way,

how was your tat? Okay. Cause by the way, um, and he says, Oh yeah, here's my tat. and he says he was worried that it was gonna spread because he jumped in the pool right afterwards, which I guess you're not supposed to do with a tattoo. Which then it's like- So Jax, also did you know those were real tattoos that they were getting?

Yeah. Who does that? Who has a party where you get real tattoos? How fucking gross. And they all lined up. And I'm not saying tattoos are gross, but to get it at like Jack's carnival party, who wants that memory for the rest of their lives?

Like this one I got to commemorate my daughter, this one was that time that Jack's got really coked up at a kid's party in Pantsom, dude. So that's a good memory. I always, so I don't have any tattoos, but my impression of tattoos is that, here's my impression of a tattoo. Oh, I'm a tattoo.

No, my impression. Hold on, hold on, let's play the theme music. Do do do do do. I'm a tattoo. My impressions of tattoos. Hey, I'm a tattoo, I'm on your body now. No, I always. Oh my God, you're like the rich little of tattoos.

Yeah, see me in Vegas. The man of a thousand tattoo voices. I'm an arm band. Oh my God, it's a Ronald Reagan tattoo voice. Well, tear down that wall, says a tattoo. Born in an America. Okay, what's your impression of tattoos? My impression of tattoos is that like a lot of times,

I thought it's something that people plan out. They think about they want there to be meaning. They source an image or a word or a phrase. They like put effort into it. It's not like, Oh, hey, I'm at a party. Okay. I'm just going to, I don't know, put like a picture of Joan Crawford on there. I don't know.

Like, like, I just feel like the impromptu proper very gay tattoo. I don't know what I don't know where age to gay tattoo. Go put a Janet from threes company on there. I don't know. A little Janet Wood tattoo. What was her name? I like that you go younger with Janet. Let me get more current. Can we get Linda Ronstadt? Yeah. So you just know these are all going to be just like thoughtless bad tattoos.

They are, you know, I mean, love the skin you're in. Am I right? So Kristen is talking about how she was at she was in line to get tattooed. And Jesse, she gave Jesse a titty twist. Am I right? So Kristen is talking about how she was in line to get tattooed and she gave Jesse a titty twister and then he gave her one back. And she's like, bro, like, what was, I was like, we're not that close, bro.

And Jax is like, have you met anyone in your life who would do that? Like really? Like that's like you grabbing his dick. Like what the fuck, bro? I felt very bad for Kristen because I could see that she was genuinely uncomfortable about what happened and even discussing it because she got an extremely nervous laugh. She was doing this weird like she was like,

Oh, he's like really, really giggling because you can see that she's like struggling with wanting to still be like chill, but she's like this bothered her but she doesn't want to be like an alarmist. Like all those things I felt so bad for her like she like she should just be able to not she should be able to but like it sucks that the societal pressures are put on to you where you're like someone twists your nipple and you have to like feel kind of like, you can't be like that's fucked up that someone twisted my nipple.

Like you have to kind of like couch it in like, it's sort of funny, right? And I just felt bad for her. And you're also talking to Jack, so it's like- Yeah, I also felt bad that Jack's is the one that she had to go to for it. So then this next song is, tell me did you bring your appetite, we're poor.

So then this is Jesse and Michelle and their miserable marriage. Going to a park with their child who was gonna be miserable any second. If she's not yet, she will be. Yeah, yeah. This girl, yeah, I already feel very badly for Isabella. So they go, they're gonna teach Isabella how to ride a bike.

And Michelle's like, so Jesse, did you watch the video I sent you about how to teach a kid how to ride a bike? And he's like, the YouTube video? But no, I did not watch that. Like, I assume you just strap your feet into the pedals first and just let them go, stupid, stupid wife. She was like, no, it's the opposite of that actually.

Oh really? Because here's how you need to do it. We need like, no, it's the opposite of that actually. Oh really? Because here's how you need to do it. We need to go to the top of the hill, strap her on and just send her down. What the fuck? Just send her down the fucking hill on her bike. Do you? He's like, yeah, we've had so many arguments

over parenting styles. Yeah, I just like, I don't know until we had a child that he just like doesn't have patience or an emotional capacity for empathy or actually even a personality, which is something I really should have picked up on in the first place. Sorry, Michelle, I don't believe you. And I actually like you.

I think you're the way better one in this relationship, obviously. But you're not going to tell me that it's a surprise to you that your husband's a jackass. This guy is clearly a fucking jackass. Everything he says is jackassical. And you're not gonna sit here and tell me and expect me to believe that you were shocked that your husband's an asshole as a parent and makes you do everything. Give me a fucking break.

Because not only were you dating the guy before you married him, you were working with him. So you know this guy's a piece of shit. You're just one of those people who thought he wouldn't be a piece of shit to you. Well, guess what? Pieces of shit are pieces of shit. That you know, this guy's a piece of shit. You're just one of those people who thought he wouldn't be a piece of shit to you. Well, guess what? Pieces of shit are pieces of shit. That's it. Okay. Not different to different people. Everybody poops the same. Yeah. And Jesse is like, yeah, it's funny.

Like cause I'll walk into a room and Michelle will be like, um, Isabella, we don't do that. Or Isabella, our feelings, Isabella, I just walk in and go, Isabella and she stops. I'm like, oh, that's, sounds great for Isabella's future therapy sessions. You can say a lot about me, but I can make a child jump under a table and under a second. It's pretty amazing.

So Isabella's like, I don't want to get on the bike yet. I don't want to, don't make me. He's like, get on the fucking bike, you little son of a bitch. They put her on there, it's like, yeah, yeah. So she runs away crying, and so Michelle's checking on her. And she's like, I don't want to do this anymore. And so Jesse's like, yeah, you know, we talked about. So I go ahead and did.

Was that Isabella saying that, or was that Michelle saying that about her marriage? Can you clarify, please? I think it's both of them. I think that they're gonna be, and I just picture like a small Volkswagen bug from like the 70s that they're like driving down the freeway and with scarves on their head,

just looking in the rear. At least I hope. Joan Crawford's in the back. The tattoo came to life. So yeah, I hope they run like hell. So Jessie is like, yeah, you know, people, you know, we've had the talk about how people change in a relationship and evolve,

and I don't know if she's changing with me or if I've just changed into somebody that she doesn't want anymore. I think it's probably Column B, exclusively. if I've just changed into somebody that she doesn't want anymore? I think it's probably column B exclusively. I think you've not changed. I think that my guess is that she has changed in the way that she realizes that you're never gonna change.

People have this common misconception that people change. I think she watched a really good movie and was like, wait a second, this movie's about my life. And I don't wanna be like this movie. So she wants to go elsewhere. He has that kind of vibe of the divorced, bitter, aged LA guy, right? Doesn't he just already have that vibe?

And he's married and has a kid. So he's not already. I mean, imagine what it's going to be like when he is. I bet he's I bet he's awful to her parents. Just awful. So anyway, just small cutting things. All that he says little obnoxious things that are terrible. So he gets on the bike and he rides it and they're like giggling.

And Michelle's like, look, he looks so silly. Say that's my bike daddy. And she goes, you know, nobody tells you how hard it is to keep a marriage alive. You know, it's scary. It's scary thought that we might never get back to the way things were, which was me living in a bubble where I thought Jesse was actually attractive

and interesting. Yeah. Never get that back. Isabella finally gets on the bike. And it's really amazing how much misery fuels so much exercise in this world. It's like just depressed the child enough that she needs to get on the fucking Peloton.

She just wants to get out of there. That's all she needed. She's like, wait a second. There's actually a contraption that lets me pedal away from my awful parents. Get me on it. Okay, so Kristen and Luke run for literally five seconds in the canyon, which is my favorite way

to run in the canyon. Kristen running, why have we never seen her run before? This was like truly my, like, I don't even know how to describe it. It was like watching something that looked halfway between a chicken and a giraffe trotting along. It was amazing. You know when people got married in the old days

and they would tie cans to the back of their car? It was like that. Cans bouncing in the back of a car. Yeah, this can's bouncing back down the road. Why is everyone throwing rice at me? Caw caw. So they're running and then. That kills birds.

Looks like don't step in the horse shit. You know what that is? And she's like, y'all is definitely horse shit. So the producer's like. He's like, yeah, I'm from the country. So I got it. I have a wrench. I know what horse shit is.

I understand it. Makes sense. Yeah, well, I have a wrench. I know what horseshit is. I understand it. Makes sense. Yeah, well, we're in LA and we know what human shit is and it could be the same thing. So please, with your country. This is true. So the producer's asking who wears the pants in a relationship.

Oh, he definitely wears the pants, yeah. He's like, yeah, I wear the pants. I love a man that's like a leader. Like, do it, take me, make the plans. Let's fucking go Mariposa. Seriously. That is not gonna last. I'm telling you that I just love that he's so manly and tells me what to do. Yeah, right, Kristen. Let's see how long that fucking last. So we see they stop at this bench and it says,

the greatest act of courage is to choose love in every situation. Have you seen this show, Bench? Get the fuck out of here with us to see a Ray Robitaly. Yeah, yeah, that, no, choose love in every situation as we watch four different crumbling marriages on TV. You know, here's what she needs to say. The greatest act of courage is to choose better.

That's the act of courage, okay? The act of courage is to actually make a choice that's not out of desperation and aging, okay? Yeah, I don't know. That's my advice, put me on a fucking bench. I don't know what part of moving to the valley equates to choosing love, but there you go. Choose bigger parking spaces. Choose group, protect your you go. Choose bigger parking spaces.

Choose protected green arrows. Choose what? Protected green arrows. It's like choose larger targets. I love that that's your big thing for the Valley is the turn arrow. It is. So funny.

That is like the biggest thing in the Valley. Anyone who comes to LA will be like, if you have to make a left turn, prepare to buckle up for five minutes because there's no protected green arrows and only two get to go at the end of the green light if you're lucky, if someone's not asleep at the wheel, okay? But in the valley, that green arrow comes on

and life is good, theoretically. Now it's still up to the drivers to do their part because I tell you, you know what drives me nuts? You're sitting there, the light turns, so you have a green arrow. So the first person is like, oh, it's the green arrow. Now let me move my foot to the gas. Now let's hit the gas. And I'm going to go slowly through the green arrow.

So now you've like chewed up through half the green arrow time. And the person behind them is like, okay, let me wait till they get all the way through the intersection and then I'll start going. It's like, no, go, it should be like one, two, three, four, five cars all at once. It should be a caravan, not like one car, two car, three car, it's ruined the entire Green Arrow utility. Yeah, yeah. In Texas, we don't have the drive through,

drive through the intersection and wait halfway through the intersection while everybody else is coming straight and you're getting ready to turn. And then you turn the second you have a chance. Here, you have to stay behind the lines. You can't just wander out into the middle of the road. And it is so fucking frustrating. And it's so hard to not honk at people because you learn a certain way in LA because you have to do it because there's no green arrows. So you have to learn how to do it and we don't have that here and I pull out and people honk at me if I'm sitting in the middle in an intersection. Screw you, god damn Californian. I'm surprised you would think that in Texas that would be like the

land of pulling into an intersection. It's like, yeah, I'm a rebel. But yeah, you have to do that in California. My theory is if you're sitting there and you're seeing the cars turning ahead of you, if there is a gap between car one and car two or car two and car three, a gap that's big enough for another car in the opposite direction to just come through, that means you're doing it wrong.

It should be like a wall of cars streaming that left turn on a protected arrow. Yeah. Okay, so back to not driving through green arrows. They're still at this fucking bench that I'm still mad at. The greatest act of courage is to choose love. Choose condoms, okay, bench? So Kristen's like, that bench is cool as hell. And they start talking about lunch with Jax.

And she's like, oh my God, Jax was so sweet to me. It's like crazy. I mean, surely he just wants to be friends now. No, he's about to fuck with you. He was calming you down so he can fuck with you again. Yeah. Well, but poor Kristen, I mean, the highlight of her week is that she saw a bench.

So, you know, her standards are low. She's like, I just read a book on a bench. Is this bench available on Audible? So, so Luca's like, why is, so why is everyone questioning all questioning things? Because well, I just think he, he doesn't think I'm taking getting pregnant seriously, seriously. And like the only thing I can guess is like my own body. Cause like, I just can't get like knocked up every day of the week.

Okay. Like it might be difficult and I don't want to keep talking about it. I'm just going to like keep talking about it. Okay. So I'm just going to not put it out there in the universe that I am four years old because by the way, I'm 40 I've come to the valley to die Forty five years past geriatric pregnancy is fucked up And 15 years after geriatric sir waitressing, so I mean, it's really

That's really tough Don't worry. Now you're in the geriatric motherhood. It's gonna be great. But also this is Bravo. This is the land of people having babies well into their fifties. You're gonna be fine.

It's all gonna be fine. I would say you have the money to deal with it, but you don't, but you know what? It's okay. You can still maybe trade. Just do like, hey, if someone gives me their eggs, I will take them to work for a week, you know? You know, there's a wonderful movie called

Raising Arizona, she can get inspiration from that. Just steal a baby. Didn't they steal a baby from the store? Yes. They stole a baby from a convenience store they were rotting, so there's always that option. So Kristen's like, what if I can't have a baby? And Luke's like, listen, you're just spreading doubt

right now. And she goes, yeah, you're right. I mean, this is all that matters. Me, you, this dog, and that pile of what we both know is horse shit. So if my friends have doubts, I don't really give a fuck. I'm sorry you couldn't get a tattoo at Janice party. OK, because it was really fun. We all got a tattoo.

I'm never going to forget it. Just picked mine. But I think it's a tramp stamp. What does it say? You're going to die alone and childless. Damn it, Jack. I told him to write down the thing on the bench I saw last week. That's what it said. Really? Oh.

So she tells a story about how Jesse tweaked her nipple and Lucas really not happy about that at all. And he's like, there's like so much wrong with that. And she was like, yeah, but like, no, I feel like the dick is, I did it to him. And he's like, yeah, but it's not the same at all. And Lucas like, you know, this is like, you don't know where the line is with the person like that. If she had slapped him, would he have slapped her back? Probably he would have. I would say, yeah, And Luke is like, you know, this is like, you don't know where the line is with a person like that. If she had slapped him, would he have slapped her back? Probably he would have, I would say yes.

I was gonna say, yeah. I mean, they're like, no, everybody's like, no, of course he wouldn't. I'll bet he fucking would. He would. Yeah, he would too. So he's mad. He's boiling.

And we see a different side of Luke. I mean, I just thought Luke was gonna be very, very passive and stuff. And he's very red-faced. Luke gets a lot of red-faced anger in this episode. He was angry in a way that wasn't, didn't feel toxic, which I thought was refreshing, at least not yet. It was like justified anger with that, but also controlled. It was nice.

I didn't love it, I'm gonna be honest, and here's why. I think it was justified. I love the anger with Jesse. I mean, Jesse is a fucking loser, you know, so go for Jesse. But I worry when I see anger in people. I didn't like the style of anger. I thought it was like an enraged red faced anger, which I don't like because that's going to turn on Kristen one day. You know, I love to mock Kristen, but I love Kristen. I don't want to see her in a bad situation. And I don't, I don't love it. Like right now it's pointed in a way that she likes it. She likes it pointed in that direction. But I don't know. It didn't read to me as like, um, anger like that, but you never know. You never

know. Uh, to me it read like just like righteous anger, like I can't believe you did that. That makes me mad. I hate righteous anger. No, righteous anger, but in a good use of righteous in the sense of like. I think righteous anger is in general a good thing. It just, I don't know why I'm arguing about it. I just got a sense that I didn't like.

I don't know what it is, I just got a sense of it. I didn't like it. You don't like it. Also I think it's his shirt that he wears later is terrible. Like I know you guys are in the Valley and this is all fun and games for you, but sir, that shirt is terrible. That pattern, I don't know what it was.

Was it a windmill? Was it big white windmill smudges on a blue shirt, like a blue bowling shirt? What the hell? I remember what it looked like. I guess the thing is, if I compare it to someone like Mike Shuhad, who is like a righteous anger,

but it's like bullshit and it's just to make him so Mike will be someone like Mike gets angry in a way to really he's not I feel like it's an insincere anger. It's an anger to make himself look better. I don't like that. But here it looked like this guy was genuinely pissed that someone did this to his girlfriend and he really wanted to the reason for the anger I'm behind. Yeah, I like the reason for the anger. I just didn't like the type of anger.

I don't know how to explain it. Okay, we'll just leave that for now because who knows what's gonna happen. Hopefully nothing terrible. Commercials, here comes one right now. Okay, so then a song, This Is How You Make Me Feel, This Is How You Make Me feel. And guess what? It's a child running around screaming and crying

and throwing things and throwing a temper tantrum. So and dogs barking, it's fricking chaos. And that is how this show makes me feel. And I think that's the point of it. This was a scene that basically was exactly what we knew would happen the moment that Brittany and Jax got married and then decided to have a baby. Basically, their child, Cruz, is running around screaming and

crying and Brittany and her mom are scampering around this house trying to find Cruz and Jax is just sitting there on the sofa not helping, not being helpful, rolling his eyes and like putting his head in his hands while his mother-in-law is running urgently to see why their child is bawling at the top of their lungs. And then on top of that, you know that it's a combination of things that like, well, this kid sounds like he could be really hurt. And of course, Jax isn't even helping. But then at the same time, you also know this kid probably also cries like that all the time. And Jackson's shaking his hand head because the kid does this

because he knows that Brittany is those. You may have a crazy what's wrong with you crazy. I mean, you know, crazy. So it's so it's running around for him and he's Britain is like, is he stuck? And she shares that he got under the couch. I mean, I was looking for that Wadad I use on my lips and maybe he was trying to help me. I don't know, this is my fault.

I just have to use one of those glitter Sharpies. So then over at Jason and Janet's house, Janet's like, hey, Jason, could you have a seat for a second? We're having a meeting, okay? Now listen, Brittany has a shop she wants to show me. It like has cribs in it and nursery items. I'm so're having a meeting, okay? Now listen, Brittany has a shop she wants to show me. It like has cribs in it and nursery items. I'm so uncomfortable having a baby, so.

We need to get this all done before the baby's here. And he's like, yeah, I don't understand why everybody's like, when the baby's here you don't have time to do anything, I mean, babies sleep. So like, why don't you just wait until the baby sleeps and then do stuff? Ugh, duh. I can't believe it's been like millions of years and we just like finally figured it out.

God, can I tell you? Can I tell you? Yeah, thankfully Jason has it all figured out now. Janet is gonna divorce Jason. We know that, right? Janet is not staying with this fucking guy. I'm telling you that right now. He seems very nice, but who thinks like this?

Sir, get your divorce lawyer friends ready, because you're giving them the news now. They're all gonna get divorced, let's be honest. No, not a single one. Not a single one of these couples is gonna make it. Just putting that right there. I don't believe in marriage, but I do believe in divorce. Can't wait to see it.

I, okay. I don't know much about marriage, but I do know something about the Valley. And it kills all dreams. Okay. It's a dream killer. And marriage is a dream for a lot of people, so just putting that there.

So, um, now is, say hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo, give them what they want, say hey-yo, yeah, give them what they want. Which hey yo, yeah, give them what they want. Which is a self-defense class. I'm just glad they didn't show us Jackson and Britney because that's not what we wanted. Yeah, it's the girls.

The girls are doing like a self-defense, they're doing jujitsu, and Nia tells us, she's like, I started, so I started taekwondo when I was eight and achieved all the way to my fourth degree black belt when, I you know I was competing for Miss Universe Donald Trump brought in his creepy old rich friends to watch us rehearse and one thing grabbed me by the way so I twisted his hand around and I was like don't ever touch me again I'm a black belt. That was the least taekwondo-y

story I've ever heard in my life. Could you have kicked him in the face? I need more. You know, throw him over the car. Like, I need more. So the girls sit and talk, and how much, Michelle's talking about how much Jesse sucks. And Kristen is telling us that she's always been there for Michelle, and they've all been there for her pre-Luke.

You know, they knew Kristen when she was still at Mess Before Michelle. And they've all been there for her pre-Luke. They knew Kristen when she was still a mess before Luke. Not this improved Kristen, that's not a mess at all anymore because she has Luke. Yeah. Pre-Luke sounds a lot like puke, by the way. So Kristen is like, you know, my stuff is like, I don't know, my stuff is live. Like the pregnancy talk is pressure.

I don't know why the guys are like chiming in. Like I had lunch with Jax and I was literally like, I want your love and support and like that's it. And Nia's like, yeah, it would be different if he actually took the time to get to know Luke because Luke is like an absolutely amazing quality human being. And then we see a clip of what she means

and it's at the pool party and the girls are sitting around talking to Luke and they're like, Luke, if you have any questions about being pregnant, just come to us. And he's like, you know what, whenever it happens, it's going to happen because that's just what happens. And so like, until then we just get to practice, right? And they go, oh my God, we're a supportive guy. Who doesn't love practicing, right? So Michelle's like, by the way, I think that Jesse's playing hockey with Jax and he learned to walk by playing hockey.

That's why he's so aggressive and missing so many teeth. Oh, this side's not supposed to say that part. Then we cut to the hockey ring where Jesse, Jax, and Jason are playing hockey. And of course, J Jack sucks at playing hockey Yeah, that's so funny. Of course he does like we all figured he did right? I thought he'd be good at it. But of course he sucks. You did? I thought Jax would be good at hockey

I kind of felt like he played hockey as a high schooler or something and he talks about hockey so much I just assumed he was good at it, but he was terrible Well, that's why of course course, he's gonna be terrible, because he's made up this whole persona that he's this hockey pro, and he sucks. So Jason is there in a very fitting double zero jersey, which I liked, and he's like, I work out, but I don't play hockey.

And then they show him taking off his shirt and playing porn music. Yeah, I appreciated that. And so Js is winded and can't take anymore and jesse's like yeah jacks skating's not amazing stick handling not great uh it's kind of shitty but a forever i mean he did get here he did show up yeah see the outbring. This is more than he ever did trying to actually get that hockey social media job. So they sit down after like four minutes of playing hockey and then Jason's like, hey guys, thanks for inviting me.

Jack's like, yeah, I'm terrible. I haven't played in three years, but you know, once you have a baby, your fun activities are gone. Am I right? Oh man, babies are the worst. I feel bad for anyone who's about to have a baby. Oh, sorry, Jason. You're right there. And Jackson's like,

I just slept Jason cause like Jason's like a lawyer. I call it like lawyering. The stuff he does. It's not a lawyer. But like, you know, uh, like if you say something, then he's like, Hey, no, no, he's lawyer. So he's like, you got to see it from this angle too though. Right. And I'm like, shut up no, no, he's lawyers. So he's like, you gotta see it from this angle too though. Right? And I'm like, shut up lawyer, stop lawyering. Literally Jack's first scene of the episode was him telling Kristen you gotta see it from this angle.

Literally. So he's like, yeah, I miss my youth sometimes. We know, Jacks, we can see your comb over. Okay. So much comb over happening. It's gotta hurt to have that much hair to comb over. It's like, how do I have so much hair here, but none here?

He goes, let me ask you, so I had a lunch with Kristen and she told me, she told me, Jesse, she gave you a nipple twister and you did it back to her. And he's like, did you do that? He's like, I don't remember that. That doesn't seem like my style. My style is more like making a caustic remark that haunts you for about three weeks.

Yeah. And Jason's like, yeah, I mean, allegedly she did it first, but I think a woman's nipple is kind of an elevated position to a man's nipple. So, which thank God for one voice of reason. And so Jack's like, yeah, so I don't know, like was she making it up? Like, was it not real?

I mean, were you drinking? You know, I like the first two quality, the first two options better, you know? Once I usually go with the woman's just crazy and lying. So. Yeah. And he goes, you know, I know what I did was wrong, but what I did was more of like a bro on bro kind of thing,

you know? And so now they're talking about how he pantsed Danny. By the way, we didn't mention last week, I guess it was Brock who told him to pants Danny. I don't remember seeing that part, but that's what they're telling us in the comments. Can't believe the man who brought O'Sheen into our world would have had that influence. The man who brought O'Sheen into our world would have had that influence.

The man who brought what? O'Sheen. That's exactly what I was thinking. I was like, yeah, that pack of Brock friends, they seem like a super classy group of people. Just watch Southern Hospitality to get a little taste of that. Yeah, so he's like, you know, I think that Jack says,

I think Danny needs like a night out. Like I could buy him a couple of beers and how about this? How about this? Okay, guys night. What if I invited Kristen's ex to guys night and then him and Luke could have a pow wow. I mean, this guy's such an idiot. He's such an asshole. And Jesse's like, you're a child for even thinking about that. Okay. And what if Luke leaves there and he's like,

well I don't wanna be in a relationship with Kristen anymore, I'm leaving. So good luck in your next baby search. And Jax is just smiling like, yeah, duh. What do you think I'm doing this for? He's like, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right, so I'm still gonna do it. And, like, cause you know, if someone did that to Jax,

he would not take kindly to it, but he's such a piece of shit, and he's such a, he does this shit. I mean, forget how much he did this on Vanderpump Rules all the time. Wow, this guy's so toxic. He is so bad, and it's like a tit for tat kind of thing, where he's always getting revenge,

like, oh, you guys called me out on this thing, so I'm gonna call you out on this thing, and like, he'll build all this stuff up to like, try and ruin your life. But what is he getting back at her for? Like he's coming at her so hard. Genuinely happy now. Like, and he's in a marriage that he can't stand with a child that he doesn't want to

deal with. So he destroys people's happiness around him. That's always what he's done. When someone is thriving, he will do something to ruin it. Yeah. Yeah. Classy Jax. So Jesse's Yeah, yeah, classy Jax. So Jesse's like, yeah, Jax has always been like this. I've known him the longest and he's a piece of shit.

I love him. He's so fucking, I love a jock, I love a good jock. Yeah, I don't know why people are, I don't know if you've, I don't understand when they're like, oh yeah, he's just always been like this. Why are you friends with him? Why are you friends with this person? Yep.

So the next song is, there's a burning flame creeping through my veins. Yeah, I'm on fire. Are we just doing heroin songs now? Yeah. What the fuck? And then that leads into a baby store shopping scene. Exactly.

And this is where Brittany's newfound frown face was really on display because she was scowling this entire scene but trying to be cheery at the same time. So it's baby store shopping with Jasmine and Janet. And Jasmine's like, this group, we're like family. You know, Zach's my bestie. We used to live in the same apartment building and we had like a Melrose Place thing going on, but now we're like in the Valley and they have like this adult hat on, but I feel like you can still be an adult

and live in West Hollywood, right? Like Michelle and Jesse do it. And then we cut to the Michelle and Jesse adulting, but not in the Valley. Yeah, and they're like fighting about champagne in the morning. I like, by the way, I have to say, Brittany they're fighting about champagne in the morning. I like, by the way, I have to say, Brittany and Zach being wedged onto this show is hilarious

because they're like, okay, we have just, let's take these two people from clearly a different show concept about a bunch of people living in an apartment building together, and just let's add them to this show about couples. Why not? Yeah.

And I like that Jasmine is so clearly a restaurant worker forever, because she says things like, we're just a family here. to this show about couples, why not? Yeah. And I like that Jasmine is so clearly a restaurant worker forever, because she says things like, we're just a family here. Because that's like so restaurant to say. Oh my God, guys, we're just a family, happy apples and applebees.

Don't be a bad apple. Don't be a bad apple, Ronnie. Okay, so Brittany comes over, just how she is. She's like, oh my God, hi, you were so pregnant. You look so beautiful, I just wanna grab that tummy every time I'm around, give me that tummy, give it to me. Don't make me chase that tummy, I'm gonna chase it,

I'm gonna chase it. She's getting it one run and it was right here the whole time. God, I love tummies. Jenna says, I told Jason you can take this some of the time. Ha, but he goes, boys, being pregnant. Oh, yeah, so you need to have a total, oh yeah But he goes, boys, being pregnant! Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, They can do that now, Jax. Could you imagine boys being pregnant? That's crazy. What kind of bottles are they gonna give them? Beer? I see you put that beer down, Chris. I don't even go to nurse. It doesn't even make sense.

That's why it's so funny. Okay, you're gonna need a lot of baby things. You're gonna need a changing table, bottle. You're gonna need some tummy time stuff and Jen is like I hate babies oh look here my mom's for sale you cuz you're gonna need a sherry to help run after your child when he gets crawling under a couch you're gonna need someone to listen lift couches that's what you're gonna need so Jen was like babies are stupid I don't want fucking babies Never thought I would have to do this. And then she goes, what is this on this little fake baby? What is this a straight jacket on a baby? Stupid. Is this even real? Is it like a joke? Are they saying like, put babies in straight jackets? And she goes, and Brittany's like, that's called a swaddle. It's like a waddle, but waddles are things

you get taken off the bottom of your chin to make you frown. Am I frowning right now? I'm really smiling. Just kidding, I'm really frowning. Oh, I kinda miss my waddle. Is that weird? Can I put this waddle on Jason's face?

Just asking. You know, my waddle got so big, I swaddled my baby in my waddle. It's like a rhyme on my face. Oh, that's the funniest thing I ever saw. Ooh. So, so you all decide for girls night. We're gonna watch Hope Floats,

but we're gonna watch it for syncing it up with Pink Floyd, apparently. When you do it like that, it really matches. When Harry Connick Jr. leaves, it's like they're singing about the moon. There's nothing like taking shots while Harry Harry Harry Connick Jr. drives away from that screaming little girl. I love to laugh and cry at the same time. Laugh, cry. It's a new waddle swaddle. I'm so happy.

So Janice like yeah, I need like, yeah, yeah, yeah, bye. So, Jan is like, yeah, I need like a swaddle for Jason when he tries to get frisky because he'll get me pregnant again. Fucking stupid babies, I hate babies. So Brittany's like, no, I just love Jesse and Michelle's new house. It's like right by Chateau Marmont. It's like very bougie.

Aside from Lisa Vanderbilt, Jesse the most bougie, most bougiest person I ever known. Okay, he's from Boston though, so I don't know why he's so bougie. It's so weird. What is Boston anyway? Do they serve tea there? I hear they have a bunch of tea parties. It's so weird. This is a place that serves chicken and mac and cheese. I don't know what's so bougie about that. Apparently there's seafood there is legal. I don't know. I don't understand it at all. You can only wear socks that are red.

I like that Brittany also thinks it's so bougie just because it's by a place with a fancy name. It's about the Shato Marmal. They drink Perrierus. Perrierus? Yeah. So she is like wow knees fresh from having babies and Asher ain't even two, I can only imagine how overwhelming that must be. And then we see a clip of Ne like, they showed his penis to everybody, his penis. Daniel's penis. So what's her face is like? They're gonna have a girls night for her basically

to cheer her up. And Brittnay's like, she needs it, baby maker. I love baby. You know why I can't wait till Nia gets pregnant again in the next five minutes so I can say, give me that bump. Give me that bump. I won't touch your bump.

I just can't help touching the bump, bump, bump, bump, bump. Only person who loves bumps war them means Jax. So they're like, do you have a theme for the baby's room? And Janet's like, no, I don't want a theme. I hate babies. Baby stuff is the worst. I feel bad for people who are obsessed with babies. Oh, sorry, Brittany, you're right here.

That's okay, yay, yay, yay, yay. I'm sorry. So now we go to Danny and Nia's condo. And Nia's like, Nia's with the kids. This looks like bloody hell. You all have fun with your kids. I'm not telling you don't have them.

I respect you. You do your thing. This looks like the seventh circle of hell. One kid running around screaming and crying, banging on things. The other one you're holding in your arms while the other one's in the dad's arms. And you're just like, how do I make enough milk

to keep going? Slut, stop, just fucking stop. That's how you do it. Go to the fucking 7-Eleven and buy some of that shit that's in cans until your baby just shut the fuck up. My God. Can't you like serve them like seven up or something?

I don't know. So she's like, okay, let's knock for Dada. Come on, Asher, Daniel, get over here, Daniel. So it's like, how did you meet Nia? And Danny says he went to a party and he saw her, but she was with someone, but then he was working at a church and then she came in and he was like, oh my God, like, thank God she walked in

because she was like the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen in his life. And this couple of course has the most romantic story, like last week. I like him because he's hot and that's important to me. And this couple of course has the most romantic story, like last week. I like him because he's hot and that's important to me. And then this week, how did you guys decide to get married? She was really hot. Yeah.

Also she went to my church, so that was a bonus. It was like a hot person at my same church, so that was great. Yeah, sexy, hot and gorgeous. You guys have a long life ahead of you, I see it. I see it already. 50 year anniversary, babe. Remember that time you were hot?

Yeah, babe. You were so hot that time too. She's pregnant still. Jesus Christ. How many do you need? So, Throw me that bump. Give me that bump. I'm living in, living in their 50 years.

So then Neotala talking about what she's been doing since winning Miss USA, she's basically been doing a lot of pageant coaching, international pageant coaching, pageant coaching, pageant coaching. She's giving super important things to the world. Yeah. Which is great. So then she's gotta be gone to coach presumably. And Danny's like, but what about the milk?

And she's like, oh my God, I've been trying so hard. I'm drinking so much water and I'm just milking all the time, I'm eating all the right foods. I'm milking as much as I fucking can. He's like, well, we need more than this. Like, this isn't enough milk. I eat you and I can't walk. He's like, please don't use the zombie voice

while we're talking about my breasts, please. That's not gonna make me lactate. So then they start talking about Jax and the whole pantsing issue. And she was like, oh my God, that's so annoying and frustrating, like why? And he's like, yeah, like what was his intention with that? I mean, like deflecting, he doesn't need to

be adding to what I'm dealing with. And so it turns out it sounds like she has some postpartum, you know, she's saying she talked about hormones and emotions. And sometimes it just feels like a lot and she wonders this my new normal. She's like, obviously grappling with emotional stuff right now. And so she just the last thing she wanted to deal with was Jax and his stupid pantsing prank. And she's like, and Brittany just makes excuses for him. And then we get a clip of Brittany being like, I don't even think he even realized those were pants.

I think he thought he saw a big stalk of corn. He was just trying to shuck it so we all had something to eat. He's just trying to feed people at his party. He wants to provide. He's a provider. I'm glad by the way, I'm really glad that Nia acknowledged that Brittany was making just a shit ton of excuses for Jack's because it was hideous. We all saw it and I feel like no one even commented on it.

Yeah. Okay, so next we go to Jessie and Michelle's and she's unpacking a ton of to-go food at their boozy house by the Chateau Marmont And he's like, what are you doing? I'm packing all that food and she's like Well, I maybe I should have just left it in a bag and waited for them to come and he's like no They're gonna be here in 30 minutes and you're just doing your food now gross She's like well, I was with the baby. Oh, oh, and by the way,

Janet and Jason aren't feeling well, so they're not coming. He's like, yeah, that sucks that Jason can't come. I want to make fun of him. That is roller hockey and getting smoked. I was like, you're just, you're just boring even of the things you want to make fun of. Yeah. So now we're at the ultimate title

for this show, Two Bit Circus. I know, right at the alternate title for this show. Two bit circus. Right. That's what I was thinking. Two bit circus. Yep. So Luke, did he tell the bartender, Hi, dear, can I have a whiskey on the rocks? Or is he saying, Hey, there? I think he's saying I don't remember, but I'm assuming he said hi there, not hi dear. I'm assuming too, but I rewound it a couple of times

and I could have sworn I heard hi dear. I'm not really sure, but. Well, do you want to get embroiled in another Pomeranian? That's what I'm asking. That's why I'm not accusing him of anything. I'm just, I'm asking. I believe. It's a question.

As someone who did not take any mental note of it. I'm just going to assume he said hi there and may have sounded like hi, dear. Well, as someone who's called dear a lot while they're bartending, I heard hi, dear. Hi, dear. So Jack shows up and everything. Sup, dude. This is like cute. This is cute, dude.

It's like an adult arcade. Yeah, it's really cool. It's cool. Yeah, it's cool, man. And looks like, what's up dude? This is like cute, this is cute dude. It's like an adult arcade. Yeah, it's really cool. It's cool, yeah, it's a cool man. And Luke's like, yeah, badass. He's like, yeah, I don't know why Kristen makes us hang out with her boyfriend. I feel like a kid, like, oh, Joey's mom said I have to hang out with you,

so I'm gonna hang out with you. So anyway, yeah. So they have this awkward, they're just like hanging out and it's like very awkward. It's like, how's your week, how's your week? And they clearly hate each other and have nothing to say to each other. And so then Danny comes in and. It's like, how's your week? How's your week? And they clearly hate each other and have nothing to say to each other. And so then Danny comes in and Jax is like,

Danny's here, you got a belt on this time? Just kidding, bro. Just can we let this go? Queen let this go? Can we drop it? And no pun intended. Ah, ah, ah. So he's like, yeah.

He's like, I'm never one to hold a grudge and he has a good heart and a good soul. And I think Nia took that more seriously than I thought it was. I mean, I've been panned a million times, just not since junior high. So Jax is like, okay, you know, listen, Luke, I invited you to boys night because, you know,

I think, I guess we have to get to know you or whatever. Like apparently you have a last name, which is fucking weird. So you were like the sheriff of Kristen's boyfriends, you know, last name, which is fucking weird. I mean, I thought you were like the sheriff of Kristen's boyfriends, you know, like Sam, whatever your name is. And he's like, it's Luke. And I'm glad you invited me, because I need to have a conversation with somebody.

And Jax is like, I think I know what this is about. What is this, titty twisting? I mean, who even knows if that's real? It's like the moon landing. You know what I mean? So then he's like, he's like, Kristen. He's like, yeah. And Jack's like, yeah, yeah. So, uh, yes, Jesse was in a, was inappropriate with Kristen. And he's like, yeah, what the fuck, man? It's like disrespectful to me. It's not cool. And then Ann walks Jesse.

Dun, dun, dun. So he goes to the bar, Luke stressing, cause he has to talk and he's like, he crossed the line. I'm going to deal with this. So he goes to the bar, Luke's stressing because he has to talk and he's like, he crossed the line, I'm gonna deal with this. So he goes to the bar. He's in the worst shirt I've ever seen. And this is what I'm saying. This was the shirt I'm talking about. It's hard for me to be on his side, even though he's 500% correct in this situation. It's hard for me.

I'm like, maybe Jesse, maybe Jesse didn't pinch Kristen's nipple. Even though I saw it happen on TV, it's hard for me to be on that side because of the shirt. So I'm saying. maybe Jesse didn't pinch Kristen's nipple, even though I saw it happen on TV, it's hard for me to be on that side because of the shirt. So I'm saying. Fashion can really sway an opinion, you know? Yeah.

So Jesse's like, yeah, it looks like, so what are you getting? He's like, yeah, I'm getting a Skinny Mara and a Claas Azul, you want some? And he's like, no, I'm gonna have some whiskey. Yeah, so by the way, I found out something on Saturday. So you grab Kristin's boob. He's like, um, so I'll be completely honest with you. I don't remember her touching me or grabbing my nipple and

I don't remember grabbing hers. So I'm not saying it's a lie, but I am going to say that maybe your girlfriend is an untruthful, obnoxious person who doesn't understand reality. It's like, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Jesse. He's like, your girlfriend is COVID, fake. Luke's like, well, there's no question about whether or not it didn't happen because it definitely happened.

And he's like, well, there's a question for me, you know, so, and he goes, well, there's no question for me. And she's the person who got grabbed. So, and he's like, okay, look, bro, I'm not this kind of person. I'm not gonna sit here and fight with you because I'm an adult, okay? So I'm not arguing that it didn't happen. And he goes, okay, then stop saying it didn't happen,

if it happened, because that is basically art. Jesse's such a fucking asshole. And by the way, if you're so drunk that you can't remember and you're black, then you're a blackout drunk and you need to stop. And that was a child's birthday party. If you're grabbing, if you're twisting a woman's nipple while, if you get drunk enough that you don't remember what happened and when you get very drunk, you twist a woman's nipple, that's not a good place to be in in your life. So Lucas basically is saying like, just stop saying if it happened,

just like own up to it, okay? You owe Kristen an apology, you owe me an apology, and then Kristen after this, he goes like, no, 100%. You know, if it was playful and I grabbed her someplace, I shouldn't have, I apologize. Jackass. So the producer asked Jesse if he's threatened by Luke and Jesse's like, that's like asking a panther.

They're afraid of a kitten. Well, sir, you are no panther. You're no panther. Okay, so Luke's like, okay, you apologize. Now you just apologize to Kristen and we're good, bro. So great. I'm good with Luke. So then Jackson and Danny are having their conversation and they're talking about being pants and stuff like that.

And so Jackson's like, okay, so you know, Kristen had this ex boyfriend who I'm so close with, of course you don't know him, which is why I'm telling you who he is right now when I have him at every guy's night apparently. Okay, but you know, she has this boyfriend named Alex and you've met him before. He's a nice guy, right?

He was always at guy's night every time. Yeah, so I invited him. He's such a fucking liar. Also, did they cast Alex on this show just for mess? Gotta be, gotta be. He's like, so I invited Alex. And Danny's like, you did what? He's like, yeah, it's not a bad thing.

We're guys. I get along with my exes, like Stassi. Stassi barely tolerates Jax. So Danny- Well, I think he went on tour actually with Stassi. Did he? For a while. Yes.

He was like doing, he was on bus with her going on her tour or something. I think they got in a fight, but yeah. Ask Laura Lee. Let's get Laura Lee over here to girls night. See how that turns out. So Danny's like, he's like, I know you are, I know you do, but then that's how it works,

whatever for you. And Jack's like, but Alex is nice and Luke is nice. They're nice people. They're gonna get along. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be great. Danny's like, no, I'm not friends with any of Nia's exes and she's not friends with any of my exes

and that is how you protect a relationship. Yes, so then um let's see so he's like oh god what did I do? Okay so then uh Jax is like Chris is up with pretty much everyone I know though so including me it's like if I couldn't hang out with her exes like there would be no one to hang out with. So now we go over to Michelle's people are showing up, Zach shows up he's okay, between guys night and girls night, like, obviously my friends are the girls, but the qualifier is having a vagina. Because I'm like a platinum gay, because like I've never been in or out of a vagina. I was a C-section. Oh my god. Oh my god, this is the fanciest China. My fanciest class is a solo cow.

This is hilarious. You guys are filming this, right? Are you getting all this? This is hilarious. Listen, I've waited like four years for this, so this material is ruddy. Who told Brittany that having a ponytail that looks like a cat toy is a good idea?

This is her new thing, just wearing bald, that bald, not bald, bald up like B-A-L-L-E-D hair, where she has a ponytail, but each little section, it's like sections of ponytail and each one has a ball in it. Ooh, it's so gross. And this is actually a clean one, but last week it really looked like dust bunnies

all clobbered together on her head. Stop, I don't know who told you that was cute. It's not, stop doing it. So Kristen shows up and she can't figure out how to open up the door. She's like, why is it locked? Kaka, oh, knock, knock, knock. Michelle, it's locked.

So she's just like working at it and then she just had to like what? Just push it or use the wrong, I think it's like she was using the wrong doorknob. It's just typical in those old houses, because they're like, don't change the door, just put a new door knob on it. Well, I was the one just earlier today,

I went to Duane Reed and I stood in front of the door, it said automatic door and I just stood, it just was closed. I was like, do I have to push it? And I was sitting there like pushing the automatic door wouldn't open and like it just wouldn't, nothing would happen. And I looked to the left and the one next to me

just wide open and I was like, oh, okay. I'm now Kristen. I just Christianed out. I Christianed out at Duane Reed. Okay, so Brittany comes in, she's like, Nia, you look incredible. You're just so gorgeous. Let me touch that bump.

I love that she tells her, you're so gorgeous. You have no idea. She's Miss USA. I think she knows. Yeah, she knows. She knows. How many times do you have to tell her? You know?

So they're doing shots and everything. And Michelle's like, oh my God. I was like, is this enough tequila? And now look at us. Ha ha. Everybody's like, oh, this isn't girls night out, but it's also a mom's night out. Right?

Except for you, Kristen. Sorry. Hey, world moms before 40. Cheers. So, um, Mia's like, yeah, I finally get to get out of my house and celebrate with the girls. And she's like, celebrate. Cheers to Mia for being so purdy.

Ain't she purdy? She's purdy. Hi, I'm just purdy. I wanna rub her bump. She's so purdy. Hey, let's pull down her pants. All right, just kidding. Brittany, why are you rubbing the wall?

Because I think it's pregnant. I love the bump on this wall. Brittany, please put down the taco. What's so bumpy? Hehehehe. Hey, um. So she sits down with Nia, and she's like, hey, I'm just like, I'm so sorry,

cause last time I saw you was like, you were, you was a train wreck. And like the last thing Jax would ever wanna do is make you cry. Never a pretty girl would make you cry. I would never want that. He was so sad hey like hey he was crying he didn't mean nothing by it you know boys.

Jacks has grown up in so many ways I mean he's lost hair he's gained hair on his back but he's still paying some boys boys will be boys am i right? You know boys they do the stupidest things sometimes just never have to laugh, you know, cause it's fun if you really think about it, you know, but like he didn't mean nothing by, he ain't know me no harm. Hehehe. So then the next song is,

I can't go back any longer and I can't live in the future. I gotta be here right here right now. And it's Danny going, then it goes to Danny going, how are there no pickleball places in the valley? Can't, guys, live in the present. Another pro for the valley, on the pro column, no pickleball places.

By the way, yeah, these lyrics, I can't go back any longer and I can't live in the future. That really does describe this crew. Like, they miss their youth, but they're incapable of having any sort of foresight about what the future will bring. Yeah. So Danny, okay, so the guys are doing shots

and Danny's just going three under two, baby. Three under two. So Jack- Congratulations, you splooged a lot. The fuck do you want, a prize? Stop saying that. Yeah, it's like saying like, hey, guess what? I just got my third flat tire

because I drive over glass. Congrats, you did something terrible for yourself. So- He's like, lots of consequences. Lots of consequences in another two years, guys. So Jack's pulls Luke aside and he's like, hey, you know what, I love this Kumbaya moment. Okay, let's have a chat, Luke. Okay, all right, so I have great motivation on this. And I know I want you to be part of this group.

So, I'm trying to think of a way that we can all be, we can all be like, hey, we're all gonna hang out. We don't wanna be like, who's coming tonight? Who's gonna come? Who could be? I'm not inviting this person because of that person, because we're just gonna be a bunch of we don't wanna be like, who's coming tonight? Who's gonna come? Like who could be? Like I'm not inviting this person because of that person, you know? Cause we're just gonna be a bunch of my friends,

like a bunch of guys, you know? You know, just like guys hanging out with guys. I have no drama with other guys, you know? So you're reasonable. So you get along with anyone, right? Right? Right? That's why I'm inviting Alex.

And he's like, what? He goes, what's the point, dude? Why would I try to get along with my girlfriend's ex, dude? What's the point, bro? What is it? He starts getting all worked up. And he's like, Kristen has told me that her ex triggers her and Jack knows that, Jack knows it.

So he's trying to make her freak out. I don't think friends would do this to friends. So Jack's like, yeah, you know, I just thought there was a world where, you know, you guys could laugh it off, you know? He's like, I'm not gonna be okay with a guy like that, dude. I'm not okay with that. He goes, well, I invited him here.

I said, why would you give this guy a chance? Why would I wanna be friends with the ace of my girlfriend? I have her 100%, I have her back 100%. Luke plays right into his hands and has, like, just gets so snitty. I think it's so funny, and rightfully so, right? I mean, obviously this is just a check but I love watching him just lose his shit.

Like he's so, he's like, how could Kristen even hang around these people? What the fuck am I doing here? I think by Kristen having him hang around her friends is gonna make him wanna run for the hills, don't you? I think it's a bad move on Kristen's part. Yeah, actually like the thing that would have been the worst for Jacks would be if Luke and Alex actually got along. Jacks would hate that. He wants Luke to

run away. Right? So anyway, this is just so, it's so disrespectful. So Alex shows up. He looks, I mean, this is Alex is so someone we've seen in so many clubs in LA, just like this tall disgusting guy in a hat. Just the worst. He's gross, yeah. So back to the girls' party, Brittany's like, Naya, you gettin' drunk?

And she's like, well, I'm getting a buzz, but I do have to nurse my babies a whole night long. Oh God, I wish Danny was here to say three under two. It's not. He's very handsome. I miss his handsomeness. Oh, you're handsome. Obviously you're nursing. Do you have any boobs I can just like? Correus. And Michelle's like, so by the way, has anyone heard from our husbands since? Because I, you know, I checked my phone and I haven't heard anything oh wait no there was one text that says still hate you that's Jesse's way of playing ha ha ha ha I wish I knew how playful he was before we got married and Brittany's like well Christian I have

some stuff to tell you cuz I don't want you freaking out when you hear stuff later okay now I think Alex is gonna be there tonight. He gonna be at Circus, he gonna be at 2B Circus. What do you think of that, Kristen? And she's like, are you fucking kidding me? And Kristen's like, shoulder in her head. Like she's in a very, it's like she's in a wagon coming over the Oregon Trail back in the day. She's very like.

With one wheel constantly hitting the stones. Like one wheel is on a perfectly nice patch of grass, but there's like stones on the side that the other wheel is on a perfectly nice patch of grass, but there's like stones on the side that the other wheel keeps on hitting. Oh, oh, oh. But one of the horses took him out of it all. It's just like.

There's some broken spokes. So, so Kristen's like, are you kidding me? It's gonna be fun. Kristen's like, oh, come on, come the fuck on, Brittany. I don't want my ex-boyfriends around me or my family. Why is that so fucking hard to understand? And then Brittany really starts turning, it's like, whoa. What I'm trying to tell you,

take some second decisions. I want you to wanna hang out. It's like Alex and I started dating when I was still on Vanderpump. And months later, when everything like crashed and burned, he belittled me and he made me feel small like he used to say things like are you ever gonna pay rent he treated me like I was a has-been reality star mainly because I was a has-been reality star at that moment and you know it's just not like not something you want to hear from your boyfriend

and she's like and now he's coming around my friends. And she's like, well, Alex has been friends with Jax for a long time, Christine. It's just why are you acting like he's friends? Why is everybody saying that he's not friends with us? What are you talking about? He is though. Zach is like, there is no like who is messier. Like, Christine and Jax are like tied for like messiest like always, but it's like only cause they like love each other. And he is so the neighbor,

he's making the faces like the neighbor from Bewitched. He's always fighting on them and like, is she a witch? He's just making all these faces to the camera like, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh, very subtle, Zach. I love your subtle acting over there. So he's like, I mean, I would say that they have this like brother and sister relationship.

Like I think it's illegal to like have sex with your brother and sister, so I shouldn't say that. Surely no one else has made that joke. Ha ha ha ha. Not even Jax on the first episode. 10 times. So none of you guys have been with him. None of you guys have dated Alex.

And Brittany's like, yay, but I was there when yous broke up, okay? I was there for every second for you. And Jack is like, I have never wanted to be the guy's knight more in my life. And Kristen's like, I don't want the guy near me. And Brittany's like, I don't want to go near me. And Britain is like, well, we would never have Alex said, play. So Christie was I but this is just look at that

big of a deal. My boys will be boy she needs to calm down a little bit and like take it for what it is and just breathe. I mean, I love boobs. So does that mean that Brittany would be like, chill if Michelle had invited Faith over? Exactly. Just wondering. Yeah.

So Brittany's all chill until it's her. Yeah. Somebody's like, I'm just trying to be a good friend to you and let you know that he's going to be there tonight. And I said- Although Kristen probably wouldn't be inviting Faith over either. Sorry, I'm stuck on the Faith. Go ahead, carry on.

No, Kristen definitely would not be. So Zach is like, well, he should not be there tonight. That is like really fucked up. And Brittany's like, or maybe Luke shouldn't be there because they're actually friends, okay? Because he's not friends with them, but they're friends with Alex. Have at that.

And this is where Brittany shows her ass. Of course, Brittany's here thinking Jax is right, you know? That's the thing that sucks. She's not only sticking up for him because she's married to him, she actually agrees with Jax. That's why she's evil. Yeah, she really does.

Chris goes, sorry, you just said Alex deserves to be there more than Luke. Brittany's like, well, cause they were friends before, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, and now Jax isn't trying to include Luke. So now they're fully yelling at each other and Brittany's like rolling her eyes at Kristen. And Kristen's like,

but I just had this conversation with Jax, don't hang out with him. She goes, but you're not there. So then we go back to boys night and Jax is playing Skee-Ball with Alex. And Alex is like, there's only two balls though. And he's like, that's what she said. So listen, ah, listen, ah.

So- It's a two bit circus, there's only two balls in the Skee-Ball machine? God, awful. So we're talking about how Alex is childish. I mean, like, Luke is childish for not being able to speak with Alex. And then Luke is still pissed over in his corner

talking to someone named Dave about how pissed he is. And then Jax is like, well, so weren't you paying Kristen's mortgage for a while? Oh yeah, Jax, you just wanted everyone to get along, huh? So now that you can't get a scene with Luke, you're just gonna get all the information that you wanted, that Kristen was just using this other guy and being crazy the whole time anyway.

So Alex is like, yeah, I like lent her a lot of money. I sold the house for free, man. Jack says, oh yeah, for free. She forgets to tell people little details like that, yeah. And she lived in my house for six months for zero dollars. I'm like, well, you're in a relationship. How dare you then like retroactively say that she didn't pay rent in your relationship?

Yeah. So, God, Jax is like, I don't understand. Like, I thought you guys could just get along, you know, because right now he's in that place where he's just like, oh my God, sex is so good, you know, and Alex is like, yeah, I was there. I remember that moment. Yeah, I know. It's just a matter of time before he becomes another casualty. I'm like, yeah, but you're aiming the gun at him right now. That's why he's going to become a casualty.

Yeah, so Britt's still fighting with Kristen saying, you know Jax, you know that if he wants them to be together, then that's a good thing. It's a big deal for Jax trying to bring your boyfriend into the group. I don't give a shit, Brittany. Well, Jason's trying to do the right thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Brittany is such a twit. So she she says Jackson's just being malicious and Brittany's like,

and you're not stirring stuff up. Kristen goes, what am I stirring up? And then we get dramatic music like, done, done, done. What is Kristen stirring up? Because we were so righteously on Kristen's side at this point that we forget that Kristen is Kristen and Kristen is up to some shit too. So now we get to find out what Kristen's up to.

This is what I think it's gonna be. I think it's gonna be, I think Brittany is gonna say, you're accusing Jesse of twisting your nipple and you're ruining a good man's reputation. He don't remember doing it. He says it's not his style. That's what I guaranteed. That's what Brittany is gonna say.

You do? I do not think that. I don't think that she's gonna be that stupid. Yeah. Do you? Oh my God, if she does that, oh my God. Like, then again, you're right though, Kristin is messy too, so we're gonna find out,

but we do see like five minutes later, Zachary, I never said that. That's the best part. He's in the kitchen and everybody else is outside, and he's like stormed off into the kitchen, but nobody has followed him into the kitchen, so he's just standing in there yelling, going, I never said that.

I mean, he's yelling, his wig is yelling, everything is yelling. It's all very loud yelling. Yes. Oh gosh. And then he's saying to Michelle, never Michelle, I never ever saw that Michelle, I am a sea suction.

So, honestly, who knows what the fuck anybody on this show is talking about. I have no idea, but it's fun. Yeah, this show is way better than I ever expected. I can't believe like when the episode was over, I was like, oh, I'm hooked. I'm like ready for the next episode. I hate it. I hate everyone on this show.

And it's so good. So fun. Yeah, so fun. All right, everybody. Well, thanks so much. So fun. Yeah. So fun. All right, everybody. Well, thanks so much for being with us today. We will be back to get tickets for our live shows over at watchwhatcrappens.com.

Thanks for being here on Patreon video, everybody. And we'll talk to you guys soon. Love you guys. Bye. Bye. Watch What Crappens would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Allison King.

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