Watch What Crappens - #2376 Below Deck Part One: Pill Zarin Attacks!

Episode Date: April 2, 2024

A Real Housewives of New York OG descends upon Below Deck, and the results are extremely…Zarin. Get your aspirin ready, Jill Zarin is here. Now get some tuna made out of vegetables or suffer, peon! Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens  See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What the crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, hello, welcome to Watch What Crapons, a podcast about all the crap we love to talk about. Oh, ye old bros. My name is Ronnie. I'm your friend Ronnie. And that's my friend Ben over there, who's also your friend. We're old friends, guys. Hi, Ben. Unfortunately, everyone, I hate to break it to you all.

I'm everyone's enemy today. Yes. I'm Ben. Hi, how's it going? I'm still your friend, Rodney. Welcome to your show, Ben. Welcome to your life. Ben Mandelgaard, welcome to your life, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. It's a below deck podcast day. We're very excited to talk about that. Come see us in Europe, London, Birmingham, Dublin, any of you out there,

you coming, you coming, you coming? We're gonna be there, so should you. We're gonna be there in May. Get your tickets at watchwhatcrappens.com. We're also gonna be in LA for a small, intimate little gathering, a little show we're doing at the Kookaburra Lounge in Hollywood for the Netflix Is a Joke Comedy Festival, also available on WatchWhatCrappens.com, as well as links to our Patreon,

which is where you'll get this video, all our videos and our bonus episodes. This week we are going to do a trailer trash preview of the House of the Dragon season two, which is coming out soon. And we will be recapping for Wondry Plus on our show called Winter is Crappening. What do you think of that? That was a mouthful. I'm lisping more than usual today. My tongue has enlarged in my mouth for some reason.

And my face looks like raw meat because I went to a severe microneedling session with a girl who's lovely, but must have had a terrible morning because good God, she stomped on me. Look at me. Look at me. Was it the queen from house the dragon? Um,

no, she did a great job. Uh, and I'm going to look like a baby next week. So enjoy this meat face. Everybody then how are you doing today? I'm so good. I'm so good. I'm feeling very fulfilled. I've been like making healthy choices over the past 48 hours, which is so rare. I made lentils. I did yoga. I did Peloton. I'm feeling like I'm doing the right things in life, which means that probably the second half of this week will be a shit show.

Which means we're nearing wreck time. Okay. Which means like, oh, that's how you always know I'm about to go traveling again, because just as I establish good habits and routines, I leave and then it all goes to shit for then three months. So I like it. I like that you can think ahead. Yeah, so it's a little insight into my life right now. I'm the opposite.

I'm like, we're gonna be traveling to Europe. I'm gonna eat all of the processed foods I can because I'm not gonna be able to get corn syrup for a while. Yeah, I'm already like, I just, I had to buy a new piece of luggage when I was in New York, because my other piece of luggage broke. And so I was like it, then I was like, okay, so how's this going to fit? And then it turns out that European airlines have different standards for overhead and carry on than American airlines. And so of course, American airlines allow for lots of big stuff, but European is like small and petite. So now I'm like, oh my God,

like I'm already thinking about what am I going to pack and how am I going to make it last? And how's this going to work? And how's it going to fit in the bag? And should I do carry on? Should maybe have a, should I have something that I, that I check after all, but what if it gets stolen? But why am I thinking about it getting stolen? Don't be such a nervous Nellie and yada, yada, yada. So yeah, I'm going down the path. Now that's a spiral. It's gonna be a month long spiral. Coming to you next on Watch What Crappens.

Coming to you for the next month on Watch What Crappens. Exactly. Slowly spiraling day by day. What am I gonna plug my computer into? How do plugs work? Gotta get your adapter. Make sure, make sure you do that. Well today, guess what, guys?

Today we have an adapter for those of you who need to bridge your citizenship from Housewives world into the below deck world. And that adapter is Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin. and that adapter is Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin.

Jill Zarin. Jill Zarin. From Real Housewives of New York, possibly one of the most grating human beings to ever be born onto this beautiful planet of ours, okay? I think no matter what part of the world you're in and no matter where we hope to travel, you would probably find this woman extremely annoying.

And that brings us all together, guys. Yeah, but you know, the episode ended and my reaction was basically like, God, I love Jill Zarin. Oh God, I just really enjoyed her on this episode. To me, it reminded me of like the first two seasons of Roni with this overbearing Yenta who I was like, everything about her should make me just irritated with her. But I just leave being like, I really enjoy her. I'm like, I don't disagree

with anything she said. Is she totally overbearing? Is she totally excessive? Yes. But I was like, but she's not necessarily wrong. Was she wrong? Was she, were any of her notes wrong? I'm not even saying wrong. I'm saying terrible. You know what I mean? She's just terrible. I'm sorry. There's just, she made me realized what a quiet area I live in. I remember when I first moved to the country, I couldn't sleep because my ears would ring because it was so quiet at night. I had to use white noise and stuff to go to sleep.

And once I finished watching this episode, I started getting tinnitus again. It's like, wow, it's really quiet without Jill's Aaron talking. It's too quiet. Like I can't handle it anymore. That's how much she gets in your fucking room. You know what we need? Why aren't there forks here? You know what we need? Something to wipe the spots off of the force. I'm sorry I'm complaining, but you know what? It makes it better. That's why people have me around.

She really was acting like she was on some show, like on the Travel Channel, if that even still exists, of like where you go onto a yacht and you fix it up. She was really thinking, it seemed like she thought she was the host of some other program. It was definitely, She was really thinking, it seemed like she thought she was the host of some other program. Um, it was definitely, it was too much. Uh, but the thing is this is that other, other yacht charter guests that we've seen on all these shows come on and they complain about things and they're very con either condescending or there's passive aggressive or they're just

like mean. And she's just like, no, let me just tell you, you should do this. You should fix this and it'll be better. That's all. And she's just like, no, let me just tell you, you should do this, you should fix this and it'll be better, that's all. And I just, I kind of just appreciated her directness. Just sort of like that, yeah, you should do this. Put out some crudites, that's, you know, that's all I need, some crudites. You know what, a good yacht has toiletries over here.

You know, I was like, I liked it. I know, I've been everywhere. Okay, well let's get out, let's get into it. So I did not notice this line last week, but when Zandi gets all pissed off at the end, because Sunny is crying, thinking that Zandi is flirting with Ben, and she's going off about how annoying this girl is. She goes, like, catch me outside, I'm done with this shit.

Yeah. Like, yes, catch me outside. It's nice to see that. I love it. I mean, with this shit. Like, yes, cash me outside. It's nice to see that. Sandy's saying that. Yeah. It was not what I would ever expect Sandy to say. And she says it in such a low key way in her Zandy way. Catch me outside. I'm done with this shit.

Catch me outside. I'm done with this shit. Yeah. Uh, I love Zandy. She's great. And I feel like she's so patient because she is like a first two, who's just like stuck in the third stu position basically. And she's just like constantly dealing with idiots. Yeah. Okay. So let's get to it. It's dramatic music and Ben and Sunny have just had a little spat.

And he's like, oh, I'm touchy with her, but it's not sexual at all. Let me look deeply into your eyes while I kiss you. And then outside, Zandi is talking to Fraser and she's like, why do I need to change myself to make a two-year-old kid feel better about herself? Because that's the thing with two-year-old kids. You have to be nice to them because they're babies.

At least that's what everybody tells me. I will argue with a fucking two-year-old. I don't care how old they are. If you're them because they're babies. At least that's what everybody tells me. I will argue with a fucking two year old. I don't care how old they are. If you're wrong, you're wrong. Yeah. Oh, I've argued with them. I'll listen. I will argue with an old person. I will argue with a baby.

I will, because those are two categories of people that I don't feel like will beat me in a fight. So... I got news for you. I've been beat up by a fight. So I famously, I've been beat up by a two year olds. I famously got into a fight with an elderly lady at the pool at LA fitness once. And, but,

but if you put me with a lady who's maybe like, you know, from age, uh, 18 to 67. I'm not touching them. Not touching. Wow. Elder abuse. They can all beat me up. I love it.

I love that we're opening with elder abuse. I have to go. Listen, it's like the laws of nature. You just, you gotta go with what you can get. You gotta balance on what you can kill. So meanwhile, Sunny is now doing that thing that really makes me crazy, where she is now in bed with Ben apologizing to Ben after he was just all over Zandi

to make her jealous. What the fuck is wrong with this girl? Okay? I can't stand that. Also, Ben, did you read this thing that Ben put out where he's like, oh, I'm super disappointed in Captain Carrie for suggesting that, you know, I didn't, you know, I didn't know how to dock a boat.

This could ruin my reputation in this industry. Like he's coming out, like trying to come against Captain Carrie. You fucking moron. How do you think that looks in the industry? Captain Carrie has been nothing but nice to you and gave you an amazing fucking opportunity. And now you're shit talking him.

And then Sonny's under there telling people off in the comments. Big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big and demoted Ben back down into deckhand. And he didn't, he actually has let him maintain that opportunity. And so he's gonna say, oh, Captain Carrie made it seem like I'm not qualified. No one's listening during those scenes because they're all the same. It's always like, if we don't get this boat

right into the slip, not only will it sink, but it's attached to the docks and it could cause all the other boats to sink as well. We gotta get this, you know, it's fine. It's fine. We docked. We docked. Yeah, he hasn't said anything. He said, I don't know if he's ready or something like that. He doesn't know if you're ready. He's just trying you out.

That's the whole point. You ask. And then he's worried about how he's going to look in the industry. How do you think it looks? And you're coming out with this the week that you're fucking your subordinate on TV. Yeah, and you're concerned about how you, your professionalism, you don't like your professionalism questioned. If you were professional, you would say, listen, I didn't mean to flirt with her or hurt your feelings, but I'm your boss now.

And I should probably not be fucking you on national television at the same time. How about that? This guy, I talk about a fragile male ego. This is the guy who actively undermined Jared, who Jared was not great, but he actively undermined him too, and even undermined Sunny as well. And then now he is gonna complain that he feels a little undermined.

I mean, talk about someone who is really only concerned about himself. Yeah, he's gross. So she, anyway, Sunny's apologizing to him going, it's not on you, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, it's not on you. And he's sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, it's not on you. And he's like, you need to trust me, which, no you don't, are you an idiot?

Don't trust him. And so they start making out, and I just wrote you, because that's how I feel, gross. I'm grossed out. It's a big you. So then Zandi is like, mic drop, for some reason. Because she's just told off Sonny in her mind. She's like, I'm not taking care of two yard, mic drop.

Catch me outside, mic drop. Remember when I said that, catch me outside? Mic drop. So then Kyle comes up behind Barbie in her cabin because they're sort of flirting and everything. And she's like, I'm actually going to bed actually. It's like, don't touch me. Oh, actually that feels great.

Cause then he starts to massage her. And so, you know, they're low flame, they're low wattage romance continues. They're simmering if you will. Simmering. And so Xandy goes to bed and she's like, 30 years old and I'm in 14th child's play. And then Kyle wakes up Barbie in the middle of the night

with his snoring and she's like, okay, then get the fuck out now. You can get the fuck out now. Okay, just shut the fuck up. I heard you snoring right now. Go, just go, go. Yeah. And he's like, Barbie and I have formed a relationship

of that and so, but it's the friendship Tom will tell. Kyle voice. I feel like a tingle of joy inside what I hear. Well, it's basically me doing this guy, Anton, who's on Love Island and he was Scottish. So I'm just doing Anton's voice. I'm like, well, they're both Scottish, so they sound exactly the same, right?

So I'm so upset we're not going to Scotland on our tour. Hey, we've got time. We can go back. Well, we could just go there. We could just go. I mean, I don't really understand geography or where anything is, which is why I've made zero plans. Zero travel plans. We could directly just go up there after Birmingham.

Like nothing gets knocked in with any of our. We can do whatever we want. We can do anywhere with the internet. We can go everywhere, everywhere in Europe guys. Yeah, we can do everything everywhere all at once. As long as there's some laundry, by the way, I'm gonna need a washing machine at some point. As in like-

I'm taking Tide Pods and I'm counting on sink water. I'm just gonna wear the same thing every day, so I don't have to carry anything around. Okay, so 7 a.m. and it's 31 hours before charter. And Barbie's like, oh my God, are you still here? I'm not a morning person, don't even fuck with me, Kyle. He's like, I was just saying good morning. She's like, die, Kyle, just fucking die.

I told you not to talk to me. I'm going, I'm going, I'm literally going. Brigadine, see you in 12 years. So now we see. OK, so Dylan, the new guy, in case anyone didn't listen to our Vanderpump rules recap or whatever, for some reason that is still yet to be explained. Dylan showed up on Vanderpump rules last week, like a day after he made his debut on Below Deck

and still very impressed. Can I ask why everybody is so shocked and thrilled that this happened, that somebody from Below Deck showed up as a background character? Why is that so weird to people? I mean, it's like a lot of emails about, I just don't get why it's so weird. I mean, they met probably at BravoCon or something,

and then they hung out for a drink or something. Because, because deckies, deckies in America linger in Fort Lauderdale. They, they hang out there, they, they become friends or whatever. It's just weird that there would be a decky that makes their way to Vanderpump rules, you know, and most people that hang on to Vanderpump rules, people tend to just be in West Hollywood trying to make it as something, you know? No, you know why? This is why I'm not surprised then, but I see what you're saying. I totally understand what you're saying.

Because what might said I've been to pump, I've met below deck guys there. They all hang out with those, all the tall ones hang out together. Alex from season one, I think works in Marina Del Rey. I think he even was like friends with Kristen. He may have been shown up on on Vanderpump Rules at one point. Yeah, they're around more than you think. Everybody. But anyway, Dylan's there probably because he's like, I work out, work out.

So I'll be there. I'll be there. I used to be the fat kid, but I'm not anymore. Now I'm thinner than everybody. I can't wait to be West Hollywood. It's going to be amazing fat kid, but I'm not anymore. Now I'm thinner than everybody. I can't wait to be West Hollywood's gonna be amazing It's great I'm sorry. I'm just laughing at the at your Ominous warning they're around a lot more than you'd think they're both like man everywhere below deck people are everywhere This is gonna be like an article on Collider. That's gonna show up on Facebook

below deck men are around more than you may think. Here's what to look out for. Yeah, they're everywhere. When I saw them at pump, it was below deck people, Vanderpump rules people, obviously, and the bachelor, a couple of the bachelor guys. I was like, Oh my God, what a, what a STD laden crew. Like that's, that is a, that is a crew to have some hand wipes around. Yeah. Could definitely use some, uh, Jill's tips on how to keep that area spiffier. The tip specifically tips on the tip.

So Xandy is talking to the captain cause they like love each other in the mess hall. They love having conversations in the mess hall. And so he's like, just check it in on you. And she's like, I'm good today. You know, I'm in a good mood because I don't know why I think it's because before I went to bed, I was feeling stressed and then I dropped the mic. Catch me outside catch me catch me outside. He's like, all right. Or as I like to say, Beni desorida yakala. That's, that's what we say in Turkish. Is that catch me outside in Turkish? Sure is. I think it is. Or maybe I just ordered a bagel.

Either way, I'll accept it. Well, maybe I just ordered a bagel. Either way, I'll accept it. So he helps her unpack stuff, I guess, and they're stalking the kitchen. And then Barbie and Sunny are talking, and Sunny's like, oh my God, I need to get a fucking grip, huh? She goes, you seriously do, you seriously do.

You think people are chasing Ben? Ben, seriously. And then Sunny gives us one of these annoying monologues where she says, when I have a couple of drinks and alter ego comes out, her name is Sabrina. She's a jealous bitch. The guys I used to date were like little assholes that would cheat on me. And Sabrina's like my little protective shield, but get her out of here. Tequila Sabrina. No, no. Goodbye. Okay. Uh, she's not your alter ego, she's you. Okay, just so you know, that's just you.

And second of all, she's not your protective shield. What should be your protective shield would be higher standards or therapy. Yeah, I would say it's not your alter ego, it's your ego. And your protection needs to be condoms because you do not need to be Xeroxing Ben for this world. Okay? And also speaking of Vanderpump rules,

hangers on tequila Sabrina, no. We have one tequila Katie ma'am. That's all we need. Okay, goodbye. Yeah, die. Well, I mean, it's just like the way, just when people do this, like I have this alter ego, like I've got beers about that.

When people do that, it's just their way of actually abdicating any sort of responsibility for their actions because it's like a funny thing, but it's like, I just become a different person. And it's like, I can't control, like whatever I do, I'm not responsible for it because that was Sabrina and that's not Sunny. It's like, mm.

Yeah. No, it was you. It was you. No, but that's, I mean, that's the legit thing. That's why you should murder people drunk. And I always tell my nieces, you know, here's some advice. Don't murder people sober. You have no excuse.

I mean, when you're drunk, you can be like, oh my God, I became Sabrina. Sabrina's been through a lot of shit, you guys. You want me to tell you what Sabrina's been through? And then you can unload all the shit you've seen on Lifetime movies on Sabrina and get off probably, or at least get a suspended sentence or like a lighter sentence but kill people sober you're fucked. Sabrina the low self-esteem witch.

That's what you should call her. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. So now we're in the mess and Barbie's like, hey, Dylan, how are you? He's like, amazing, I'm amazing. How are you? High five. High five.

High five. High five. Let's give high fives. And she goes, I'm not really that fucking amazing. I'm hungover. So then Fraser is in bed and he's like, I am so hungover. Look at me. I'm a hideous, disgusting, awful, fat mess. And I'm hungover. Awful.

So then Sunny goes up to Zandy and Sunny's like, oh, I just want to apologize. And then he's like, it's OK, it's OK. I just I was irritated. And then she's like, I know, but there's no reason to be. I mean, does anyone actually ever want to fuck that strange green bean of a man? I'm like, I kinda do. And Ben is eating, watching them.

He's like watching them try and get over the drama that he helped cause on purpose. It's just like sitting there watching it like it's a TV show, you know, which it is. And Sunny's like, but I'm sorry though. She goes, you're good. You can catch me inside. Okay.ny's like, but I'm sorry, though, she says, you're good. You can catch me inside. Okay.

She's like, oh my God, thank you so much. She actually caught me while I was outside. So we're all good. We're fine now. So then Ben's giving instructions to the deckies about things, you know, wipe this, pull the anchor here. And then Fraser is just like hoping that he has a stew that comes in

because, but they haven't heard anything about any new stews. And then Captain Kerry is talking to Norma Dundee and he was like, Oh, I need a new stew. Could you please send over some resumes? Thanks, mate. All right. I'll get right on that. I've got a gal named Sheila and a Sheila named Sheila and then another Sheila named Gal. Who'd you like to see first? All right. We got a new student. Her name is Nicole Kidman. She really takes on a role these days.

Will you accept her? She's like, we come to the yacht for the experiences. So now Sonny and Kyle have small talks. She asked where he's from. He's from Edinburgh. where he's from. He's from Edinburgh. And he's like, me and my mom bought an Airbnb north of Scotland.

Have a room upstairs. Haven't seen my mom in a donkey's ass. Say that literally. Every day I'd wake up, I'd go out and see the donkey and be like, is my mom in there? Never in there. We used to have a donkey actually. And if you looked at his ass close enough you could

see my mom. Missed that donkey. My mom raised me until I was on my own until I was five. And then my stepdad popped up. And then my biological dad popped up on Facebook when I was fifteen right. And I'd spoke to him for maybe a day and then I realised, hey fuck you. It's not up to you to jump into my life whenever you feel like it. So I told him to fuck off. And my dad, my stepdad isn't dad. He adopted me.

And, uh, fuck, you know, Facebook, man, all these, I feel like so many guys from below deck are going to be using Facebook in 10 years to be like, Hey, it's me. How's Alaska going? Just wanted to check in on you. I've been trying to call you for 10 years, but really haven't had service. Yeah. Grace is not the best on boats. So hope you're doing great.

Maybe we can catch some coffee sometime. What if this is one of those strange multiverse time traveling things and Jared is actually Kyle's father. And he's traveled back in time. Kyle's like, we bought a room. We bought an Airbnb with a portal to Alaska, but I've been raised. Oh, it's all sorts of funkiness.

So it's like Jared went back in time, but Kyle also had a portal across the world. I go back there once a year just to see if the cricket rings. I was a big fan of watching the movie, The Bear, growing up. So I sometimes go to Alaska through my portal just to see if there are any bears that want to chase me around. So he has this like deep story and then suddenly he's like, I'm from Canada and I went to boarding school.

He's like, oh, fascinating stuff. Your mother, do you ever see her in the ass of an animal? She's like, hmm. She's like, actually in a moose. In Canada, it would be a moose, and I actually have, it's weird. So Fraser is talking to the captain about the stew. He's like, are we getting any stew? And he's like, it's a busy season,

it's out of my control, how's the chef doing? He's like, I think that he's just putting too much on his plate. No pun intended. There's a shit show in there. Filthy, filthy, floor to ceiling filth. I think that he's just putting too much on his plate. No pun intended. A shit show in there. Filthy filthy floor to ceiling filth everywhere I go. I just can't handle it. I'm doing so much.

I'm doing so much delegating. I simply do not have anyone else to delegate to. Well, you know, chefs, chefs, artists, and they can be quite sensitive. I had a friend of mine who came in back for me. She was a mess over the whole of a mole being in the house. Okay. But I don't know what that means. That's what I heard too. I, I went back like five times. Like what was in her house? She's a mess over the mold. Was it a mole? Yeah, there was a mole in the house.

Maybe that's an Australian saying like, Oh, it's like, if you're in over your head, you say, oh, she's got a mole in the house. She's got a mole in the house. I'm gonna look at it says, it's unusual to find a mole in the house, but it does happen. Moles create complex tunnels underground. Okay.

But is it the same? Is this there on the boat? There's a mole on the yacht. Dear Liza, dear Liza, there's a mole on the yacht. Dear Liza, a mole. These are all about espionage, everything I'm reading, There's a mole on the yacht, there lies a mole. These are all about espionage, everything I'm reading, because you know the mole. Okay, or Gretchen Mole, who you know, is always like, oh my God, this is the up and coming

actress of our time. And it's like, I mean, great job on Boardwalk Empire, 10 years later, why haven't we given Gretchen a chance? I love Gretchen. Well, that was the issue that my chef had. She was in a mess over the fact that Gretchen Mole never became a thing. And I didn't see what the big deal was. If she had to make one more quesadilla for the Gretchen Mole that never showed up to Taco Tuesday.

I didn't see what the big deal was. Starlet's come, Starlet's go. I mean, whatever happened to, you know, Maria Conchita Alchita, you know what I'm saying? So I'm- How dare you? How dare you ask? Fucking lovely. How about Valeria Galino? All right, that's a better question.

I'm not offended by that one. Claire Duvall. But here's the big, here's the deal. My chef friend was very upset about Gretchen Moore still being in a house and I didn't see what the big deal was I didn't give a fuck actually and guess what came from that I ruined a friendship I can't even get a text back from Gretchen herself. chef and I don't want to ruin him mostly because he looks like the guy from Traders and he was great on the Good Wife so I don't want to mess that relationship up too. Listen Gretchen Moore may not call me back but the MC from Cabaret God damn will. You know it's funny sometimes when I look at Anthony O'Shef I wonder, was he ever left in the middle of an automatic door at the supermarket as a child?

Feels like those doors closed on his face a few times, am I right? Well, what'd Anthony do? He has a lot on his plate. That's what he did. Just left right in the straight up Anthony abuse. He has a lot on his plate. Servings are too big, too much food, they're too heavy. Stoops can't lift it up the stairs. There's a lot on his plate. Servings are too big. Too much food. They're too heavy. Stu's can't lift it up the stairs. There's a mole.

Gretchen Mole has a, as a potato woman, she eats small things. Can't have too much on her plate. I'm gonna end this segment now, alright. This segment is now over. Right, Cole, Cole, Norman Dundee. Like, like Gretchen Mole's career, this segment's over. God bless her. R Like Gretchen Moll's career, this segment's over. God bless her. RIP Gretchen.

All right. So the chef is now in the middle. Now he's in the kitchen and he's like, it is the middle of the season. I'm tired, but revenge is my biggest motivator. And then we see a clip of him getting nagged over stuff like no fish. Your kitchen is filthy. Whatever happened to Gretchen Moll, Gretchen Moll, since I was kid. He's working on a screenplay. It's like, this will be, this will be a vehicle for Gretchen Moll.

Since I was kid, a bunch of motherfucker make laughing at you because you don't know how to read. It hurts me inside. It's part of dyslexia. It makes this job more difficult. And what's a shame about it is every time I write it down, no one can understand what the hell I'm trying to say in my art.

So I had to cook. And this is what you really have to love what you do. I cannot give up. I cannot give up. I just cooked that salmon backwards. Damn it! And then we just see him washing out a trash can. Lou, that revenge, that revenge is coming in strong.

There's such assholes on this show, the editors. You have to love what you do. Do not give up. Spraying down the inside of a trash can. All right, everyone. I want everyone, I need Ben and Fraser and Anthony. We're going to have a preference sheet meeting or as I like to call it. Gretchen Mall is preferred not to be in Hollywood at this moment.

Hollywood has a preference sheet meeting and Gretchen Mall is not on it. That's what I meant to say. Gretchen Moll is on the cannot haves. Alright, she's right next to gluten. She's in between gluten and dairy. What's the opposite of a primary guess? That's Gretchen Moll. She's doing more friendship with my chef friend, so I'll always have a bitterness towards her. Alright now everyone worked extra hard on that last charter, I'm extra impressed.

Now Melinda Springer, she was a former cruise director and Fraser's like, oh my god. He's like well her husband is Nella, we've got Gary who's a fashion executive and his girlfriend Jill Zarin, one of the original housewives of New York. And then he goes, she looks like a housewife. Well, congratulations. Get, get ready for, you think that based on the girls that you're into, you think that, I'm flummoxed. You don't even know how to react to Ben. Well, I'm like, I'm turning to Shannon Dore. You don't even, you don't even know how to react to Ben. I'm like, I'm turning to Shannon Dore.

You don't even know. You think that Camille, you think that Camille and Sonny are gonna keep looking like this for the next 40 years of their life? Ha ha. Ha ha. And Fraser's like, I know who she is, but he says it in a way like he doesn't know who he is,

and it disappoints me. And Fraser. I think Fraser needs more gay education. Who does that? People who talk about Gretchen Moll. I know who she is. You don't know who she is. You don't know who she is. She was on Night Court.

That's like what I say about Olivia Rodrigo. Like when I first heard an Olivia Rodrigo song, I was like, I know who she is. And I was like, I don't know who she is. And then I Googled her. And then it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I was like, oh my God, she's amazing. Because she came up on my feed and I was like, I don't know who she is. And then I Googled her. And then it wasn't until a couple of weeks ago that I was like, oh my God, she's amazing. Because she came up on my feed and I was like,

hey, lady in the computer box, who is this? And she's like, Olivia Rodrigo. And I was like, no one ever told me I would fall in love with fucking Olivia Rodrigo like I have. And now I just play her on nonstop loop. She's so edgy, Olivia Rodrigo. She has so many things to say. She's like angry. She's gonna speak up. Don't speak up smartcastically. She does. She's gonna edgy, Olivia Rodrigo. She has so many things to say. She's like angry.

She's gonna speak up. Don't say it smartcastically. She does. She's gonna speak up. Ah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Love her. Okay, so Jill Zarin's coming. No one knows who she is, which is hilarious.

And then they want to play pickleball because all these guests met playing pickleball in the States. And Fraser's like, may I ask, what play pickleball because all these guests met playing pickleball in the States. And Fraser's like, may I ask what is pickleball? And Kerry is like, oh, it's tennis for rich people. So Gretchen Moore doesn't play it high five anyone? No. Um, by the way, tennis for rich people. And I love that this country has not been affected. This is like watching a zombie movie where they're like, oh, it's just affecting America. And they all think that they're safe until that one fucking zombie floats over on a leaf and then boom, they're all dead.

You know? By the way, you know what tennis for rich people? Tennis. Tennis. Yeah, tennis is. Ha ha ha. Or you think, you're seeing Sal Molinari from the bodega go into Wimbledon?

Yeah, this is a tennis is for rich people. Pickleball is tennis for lazy people. It's for people with bad- It's for Tom Schwartz. It's for Tom Schwartz. Yeah. It's for the Rams of the world. Yeah.

So Melinda is allergic to everything. Everything. By the way, I just heard all the, I just felt all the pickle ball people get upset. And guess what? I'm not afraid of you, because I know you're not going to chase me with your lazy asses.

Okay, Ben, go ahead. I'm literally not even afraid of the pickle ballers. Pickle ballers. Okay, I'm a team tennis. So, Melinda, the primary, is allergic to everything. And she's a vegetarian who is now integrating fish, but she doesn't want raw seafood, which is like funny because it feels like

this person is very health minded and yet raw seafood I feel like is the healthiest of the seafood in my mind. I mean, if you really think that mercury is a building block that we all need. It is, it is, Just ask Jeremy Piven. Noah doesn't like meat or fish and Josh doesn't like vegetables.

You know, how do we even still have chefs in the world? I would just fucking quit at this point. I would just serve matzah. Just be like, everyone here's some matzah. You get it for the next three days and that's it. Hey everybody, here's your bowl of yeast with some raw tuna on the inside. Fucking die.

Okay. I just want to watch you all fucking die. Honestly, you could probably just make pasta the whole time. Just pasta, pasta, pasta. So, oh, but then there's also someone who's gluten free and dairy free and egg free and yada, yada, yada, but they also want a pina colada inspired birthday cake. But they also want a traditional birthday cake because the pina colada one I think has to be gluten free and egg free and fun free. But very free.

And don't eat a cake. How about that? Have an apple. Like have a fucking apple. Don't make somebody do that for you. That's just fucking ridiculous. And I know people have allergies and this and that no one has all of this. This is a bunch of bullshit.

This is some first world privileged bullshit. And if you really do have all of these things, then have the decency to be embarrassed and bring an apple. That's what I say. And bring an apple. I say just have a fricking pina colada at that point. That has dairy, unfortunately. Well then, I mean, probably, but I don't know,

piña colada inspired cake. I don't know, I think it's just, it's too much. So of course Anthony is stressed and he's like, every person is different, maybe it's not real, oh fuck, it's real, it's real, oh no, oh no. So they wanna have a pickle, they also wanna have like a beachside pickleball experience, which is weird to me because don't you have to bounce the ball?

You can't bounce it on beach, right? Yeah. I don't know how, how, I don't know what these people are playing. Yeah. And they want to do a sunset yoga flow, but also, you know, they're trying to get rid of pickleball and communities. Have you read this? Like a lot of communities are fighting back because all these home house community, community neighborhoods or whatever are putting pickleball courts in there and it's making the

neighbors crazy. Cause it sounds like, like it's a, it's a, it's not, that sounds more like tennis. It's a horrible, horrible sound. It's like a over and over and it's making people fucking crazy. So of course these people want to go to someone else's beach where everybody else is trying to

relax and make the most obnoxious sport sound of all time. Just choke on your fucking pina colada cake. I can't with these people. I already hate these people. I don't even know who they are. So then they want, their friend is going to be teaching them the sunset flow. How's a person with sunset flow hanging out with these difficult people? It's not working. Your yoga is not working. I'm telling you that. Listen, we, this is clearly a case where casting cobbled this charter together. Like there's, these people are not all friends. You cannot tell me that Joel's Aaron is friends with these people. It does not make any sense. Yeah. We met, we met playing pickleball. All right. So now it's bedtime and then they go to bed.

And then it's the morning and we get majestic music and it's because Dylan is working out in slow-mo. Poor Dylan. His insecurity is delicious to me, I love it. His insecurity is wild. We'll get to it in a moment, but I knew there's a scene that's gonna come up. I was like, oh, I bet Ronnie just let out a belly laugh

at that scene. So I'm literally dying watching this guy. I think he's the best comedy on TV. He's what Los Angeles does to people. And I'm not saying he's from LA or he's to LA or whatever, just in case people are ever wondering what that experience is, if you're not someone who works out or is known for a good body

or good looks or whatever, and you go to LA to be in that industry, this is what you become. This kind of person. He's just like completely crazy and he's completely mentally fucked for the rest of his life. And it's, you know, it's a study. It's a study guys. Study. We saw this last season with that guy, Tony, who also was like, I have to wake up at four in the morning. So I have to work out. If I don't work out, I'd sad. and he was like, so whiny about it. But like Dylan somehow is even more extreme than Tony is.

So then he's like, Oh, I love the feeling of getting a pump. Like that feeling is the best feeling. Like, and you get to feel so confident in yourself. High five to myself. Ha ha. It's just like truly annoying. I love me. Oh my God.

And then he kind of messes up a weight as he's bragging, which was funny. Yeah. And then the chef is talking to himself and he's like, "'I do not know what to make, I do not know.' Because how can he? He's completely fucked." So then we see him slowly start to unravel as he's thinking over the list.

And then we go to the mess as Dylan comes in, he's like, the protein, it's almost done. I'm scared. I'm scared. Where's the protein? And suddenly he's like, there's protein bars there. So he reads the back and he's like, three grams of sugar, 14 grams protein. This is honest. This is honest protein.

High five protein. High five. Jeez. So then we go to everyone's cleaning and then now like Captain Curie is like Ben Ben Curie. Let's do a walk around. Okay. Well, there's nothing left on the counter like last time. And this part was all shitty. That's better now. Good job. All right. There's dust. There's a mark. Okay. There's a footprint.

All right. Pretty good. And then we start getting the captain dad jokes. He's like, all right, let's get that in the Christopher, the Christopher walking. It's right. It's right. And then Dylan's like, Oh, I love stairs. I want cabs cause they're doing provisions. So he's like, he's, he's like the only one who's actually happy to be carrying lugging in provisions. It's like I'm to upset at a million times.

I cannot stand when they show provisions because I imagine myself being there having to bring in the provisions and you know, it's hot and you're carrying boxes and it's just like endless and endless and you're so not into it. And then you walk by someone and they're like, just a few more. I'm like, I don't want your optimism right now. This is what I hate doing. I know. I don't want people's optimism either in general. I just think it's so gross.

It's such a gross lifestyle. I mean, you guys do you. I'm not gonna pass. I'm not gonna try and pass laws to legislate against it, but it's gross. So Captain and Fraser, Captain's like, so you checked everything, not the sink. And there's paper in the trash can already.

What's up with that, bro? Well, you're looking in very fine detail today, Captain. I don't know if I need that. And he's like, Oh, more detail every time, mate. This was broken my strip. That's not fixed yet. Make this toilet paper better. Do better Fraser.

He's like, I'm definitely feeling a suit down. It's not the level I like to work at. He's like, I'm definitely feeling a suit down. It's not the level I like to work at. But that's also because I'm a hideous, hideous, disgusting human being. So then where does Fraser's insecurity come? I forget. I don't know. He will. He just like will mutter things like to him.

Well, he will. He just mutters really like withering things about anyone. And if he doesn't have anyone to wither about, he just withers about himself. Like he will often be like, I'm disgusting. So the captain, he's like, all right, everyone, it's game time. Guest arrival in 15. Gretchen Moore's stardom arrival. Never. So now the song is Get out of my way and stay out of my way and get out of my way. And slow mo the guests start coming up the dock and we hear are we ready to have a good time yeah we are hell yeah we are

can't wait to make that sound on a private beach in my rain hi so it's this group of like young people and then like jill and her boyfriend gary and, hello, welcome. Welcome. Here's your chief Steve Fraser. He's going to take you on a boat tour. And I'm sure that none of you will have anything to comment about. So enjoy. Oh, my God. Is that they go.

Jill has a comment literally about every single thing. This boat is spotless. Good job. Oh, God. This is this is the hot tub. I love a hot tub. Let me put my finger in this hot tub. Ow, good job. Oh God, this is the hot tub, I love a hot tub. Let me put my finger in this hot tub. Ow, ow, ow, this hot tub is so hot. Can you turn it down for now? What if we come out to the hot tub

and we happen to burn ourselves? I don't like that. What is this window look down into the bedroom? I'm not gonna have that. I don't like people looking at the bottom of my feet. Could you put that on the sheet? I don't think I remember to put that on the feet. Can someone write that down on the sheet

that I don't like my feet? Okay, feet sheet. You know I'm a poet. You know, it's very dangerous to have this window that goes right into the window because you get the UV rays. And if you're lying in bed, you're not gonna remember to put on your suntan lotion. So is there any way to put a top over this? Because otherwise it's very dangerous. I'm just giving you some notes

because I just want this to be the best yacht for you guys, you know, going forward. And Fraser's like, and this is your entrance into the primary and here's everything you really need, the bar. Right, that was a joke. You can all laugh now. Now we all primary and here's everything you really need, the bar. Right, that was a joke, you can all laugh now.

Now we all understand there are quite a few dietary restriction, oh, it's not me, Fraser, don't worry. No one's gonna go into anaphylactic shock or anything. The worst that's gonna happen is they'll blow up and float away because of the gluten, which could be hilarious, you know. Which reminds me, do we have any strings that we can kind of tie these people to chairs with just in case they start to go, we'll

hear the chair clinging on a bar or something on the way out? You know, I don't know, like where I live that we have a Thanksgiving Day parade. So I'm very used to this things inflating and floating down the street. Okay, so I'm just giving you some of my experiences and want to pass it on to you so that way you know what to do. I love the way she said anaphylactic shock. There's something about Jill Zarin when she says words with lots of syllables in them. They just are like so amusing to me. I just remember there was one episode of Rony early on

where she went to a protest at the UN and it was about Iran. And there was the leader of Iran at that time with some name, I forget his name, it was like Ahmet Azod or something, you know, her meta bizarre. I just remember her saying, Akhima Henna, Akhima Henna, Jod. I remember, but I forget. I remember and I forget at the same time. Yeah. He was like, he was, he was a thing. He had the beard and everything.

And like he was always in the headlines and just hearing Jill's Aaron saying his name always amused me. She was like, Oh, this is Akhima Hada job. I don't know her with syllables. It's just like a thing. I can't describe it. I love when she does lots of syllables. So when she said, well, then no one's gonna go into anaphylactic shock. I was like, yes, this is Jill Zarin big syllable word.

It's like they're playing her greatest tips for you. You just send ecstasy in the front row. You're like, yes, a multi-syllable word. Yes, yeah. My syllables. You're wearing a Jill Zarin shirtisyllable word, yes, yeah. Multisyllables. You're wearing a Jules Aron shirt. I am really standing for her today. Can't explain it.

So the captain's letting Sunny call departure and then we get some sunny background. Oh god. Oh well first Melanie's like, oh look at all this food you guys have out on the bar, that's cool. So which are the gluten-free things? The nuts Melanie, the fucking nuts, okay?

So, Sunny, so Captain Carrie's gonna have Sunny have a bigger role than usual for leaving the dock. So this is what launches her into her backstory, which is, my parents grew me up very comfortably. And I lived outside Montreal and we had a boat and water is definitely my safe space. You know, even though I could die in it, but it reminds me of literally the unsafest safe space I've ever heard of. You know what my safe space is? Beds of knives. I'd love to just, you know, my safe space is bare wire.

After I've washed my hands, open charges. Okay. Sorry, Ben. Go ahead. So she says in university, I didn't know what to do with my life. So I really tried to figure out myself in those years and that really damaged my self esteem. But yawning was that door that like opened up to myself and my confidence is skyrocketed. Um, you crawled into bed and apologized to Ben when he was the one who messed up. So let's rethink that.

Your confidence needs some work. Okay. So she does great, you know, and Dylan says, Dylan is saying things like, oh, you want me to get the ropes sounds Gucci sounds Gucci high fives So then Dylan is now kind of mansplaining a rope technique to sunny He's like this is called a capstan people call it winch which is on the side the capstan isn't on the side Do you understand high five high five give me a high five right now right now You need a hand with that. Do you need a hand with that? Should we hug it or high five right now. Right now! Do you need a hand with that? Do you need a hand with that? Should we hug it or high five it? What do you want to do with that rope?

If you could take that rope to lunch or high five it, what would you do to it? How many calories are this rope? Just wondering. So let's taste it, shall we? Oh, why did you let me taste that rope? I mean, the good news is the rope is high protein and high in fiber, but I think it's a lot of calories. So she's like, no, no, no, like, no, it's fine.

Like I'm a, I'm a girl on deck and I got to prove myself. You know, it's like, no, you don't. You ain't got to prove shit girl. High five, high five. Come on. I need to burn about three calories. Come on. High five me.

Did you know that high fiving burns calories? Yes or no. So then, um, Jill was like, oh my God, let me tell you something. This ice machine, not great. It's not the best, okay? Take this ice, dump it out. I need different ice.

I need Jill, Zarin, and Heather Dubrow to have like an awful off. Like I need them to both be on this boat and they can both complain about like ice cube sizes. Cause Heather DeBrow also has an issue with like ice. Doesn't she have like very specific tastes about ice shapes, right? Yeah, I remember when she got her gigantic ice machine,

doesn't it make like huge balls of ice, like weapon size ice. Yes. But Jill likes different, she likes smaller ice, so they wouldn't get along, which would even be better, if they like different kinds of ice, so they were making everybody make them each their own kind of ice.

I know, it's just, we've talked about this, the Jill Zarin effect and how we both have, we always have two different reactions because you are brought back to your days as like being a waiter in New York, right? And you dealt with Jill Zarin's and it was like a monstrosity. And for me, it takes me back to being just like, you know, a Jewish kid in Westchester. And like, this is just like, yeah, you heard people talk. This is just the way people communicate. And

so when she says, you know, I have to tell you, the science machine, not the best science machine. It's just like comforting to me. It's just so funny because they're so, I just feel like my mom doesn't talk like that, but I just feel like I was around just Jewish ladies. I don't know how, maybe it's at Hebrew school. Maybe it's just that family functions or whatever, but you're just around voices like this and just that the way that it's not someone saying, oh God, this ice machine sucks. It's just, you know what, this ice machine,

not the best ice machine. It's like these little micro Yelp reviews. And they just crack me up. Right, but you're right that I am triggered because of waiting tables, because I'm Southern and I'm gay. And so no matter how I talk here, my real personality is always trying to please people, right? So, and I'm a fucking

waiter. So, I want to just get it right. And in the South, even if you fuck something up, if you just go, I'm sorry, people are like, no, you're great, honey, you do a good job. I mean, that's how people tell you, you suck here. They literally say, bless your heart, you know? So, I'm used to like being validated even if it's not true. That's how it is. And in New York, you never get that validation. It's always, it could be better. How was your meal? It could have been better.

This was fine, the pizza was fine, but the crust, it wasn't as crunchy on the outside as it could have been. It's been crunchier before. But before I had it, it was crunchier on the outside, but then the cheese was kind of raw. You know what I mean? I don't know if you're putting these directly

in the center of the oven. Can I see the oven? Is there a chef here that I could talk to? You know, it was like constant and no matter what you did, it was even if you knew they loved it, they ate every last bite. It was never good enough. And so that's what Jill brings me back to, you know? I know. And like for me, I find it to be so amusing. Like it's so amusing. I just, I don't know where, I don't know what it is. I don't know why it's

comforting. Cause it's like, again, my mom and my aunts, you know, they never were, they're not like this. Like they're not like, not the best size machine. They're not like that at all. But I think I've just, you're just around and somehow like it has soaked into my life that when I hear like, you know, when I hear like a Jewish woman talking in this sort of way, which theoretically it's not a Jewish thing. It's a New York thing. Yeah. I was going to say, I've never, I don't want it. I don't want to make it sound like it's a Jewish thing because people are going to be like, Ronnie's hating on Jews.

And I never looked at it like that. I just looked at it as like an older New York lady thing. It's not lady thing either. It's like an older New Yorker thing. It's just like Ramona would do it too. The city thing. Yeah, so I'm gonna divorce it from saying like, I just associate it with like Jewish women because of my life.

But yeah, that's not, I don't want to, I don't want to like engender any like anti-Semitism. Especially because I'm Jewish. Yeah, no, it's not that. It's a, it's just a New York thing. It's like a New York regional thing, Long Island, New York, and I don't know, it just cracks me the fuck up.

But Jersey's not like that. I have to say, Jersey people weren't like that because when they would come over the bridge or through the tunnel, whatever it was, they were like, ah, it's great, everything's great. It's fucking great, it's fucking awesome. All right, just get out of here. Just get out of here. Just get out of here so we can keep talking, you know?

Oh my God, you look so cute. Get out of here. Get out of my lapses. All right. So Jill's other part of her personality. So she likes crazy ice and she also likes Diet Cokes done a very specific way. So she's got Barbie running up and down these stairs. So Barbie goes to get her new ice and she's like, uh, Jill, do you like this ice more than that other ice? And she's like, um, yes, this is nugget ice. I approve of nugget ice. Okay.

Go tell everybody on board. Do you have the sheet? Do you have the sheet here? Will you write it on the sheet? All right. You know what? Follow me around with the sheet as I come up with things we're going to, we're going to just keep adding to that nugget ice okay number one and barb is like yeah jill is the primary in her own head and then we see jill say you know i don't care about anyone else my diet cokes go in the freezer i just and then she and then jill is so proud she goes out to the other guest goes guess what i guess guess what i don't know this is so it's cracks me up i don't know she's like guess what it's cracks me up. I don't know. She's like, guess what?

I just taught them how to make a diet coke. I just taught them how to make a good diet coke. It has to be cold soda with nuggets. Okay. That's the set. Thank you, Julia Child. She cracked the code. I don't know.

She's so proud that like she figured out the best way to do that. Do that diet coke. And she goes and advertise it to everyone. This very first is going to be one of those benches with names on it in central park. It's like Joe Zarin taught the world's how to make a good diet coke. She's going to get a, she's going to get a medal of honor from the, from the president. She's going to be at the Kennedy center honors, taught the world how to make good Diet Coke. So on other parts of the boat,

Dylan is breaking down on the inside as he does pushups off of things. And then Fraser and Chef are talking dinner and the chef is like, "'Okay, I'm gonna do shrimp cocktail, whole lobsters.'" And Fraser's like, "'Not a good idea, They don't like scallops. They don't like lobster.

They don't like lobster actually. They, instead they're going to do scallops. Oh, okay. And so, um, he's like, oh God, chef is overwhelmed. He's definitely losing focus. What's going on here? And the chef's like, I have tofu. I could do tofu.

And he goes, okay. And then what's your old fashioned cocktail? Is it the crudite? And he's like, um, and then I'm going to do two cakes as well. Welcome to paradise here. It's going great. Chef, you do realize you're sauteing your sneaker right now. Oh God.

It is not shellfish. It's not lobster. I'm feeding a rubber cause it's not gluten. So a water toy prep. So Jill's telling Fraser, so how was your trip last week? Did you have a nice group? Oh, they were nice. That's good.

That's good. You know, listen, out of all of these people, all that I know is Noah and Melinda, but Melinda's father, let me tell you this, come closer. He invented the Moderna vaccine. I'm not fucking kidding with you, huge. His father's huge. Okay, don't cough around him. I'm just warning you, don't cough around him.

Okay, he'll have you injected with monkey blood, trying to find a cure for whatever you're passing around the boat, all right? I'm just warning you right now. God, she will literally gossip about anything to anyone. She's like, service worker, come over here. Let me tell you something. That person over there, the father invented the Moderna vaccine and that one,

that one's father is a lawyer. Yeah. Listen, that was father. Everyone's kissing his ass. I wouldn't trust him. Not because I don't trust vaccines. He doesn't like nugget ice. Don't go me. He drinks, he drinks our cola.

We're trying to, we're trying to change him. So now the chef is making a pinot lot of, a lot of cake with tofu sounds delicious. Fraser is talking to Barbie about decor and she's freaking out cause it's just, they still don't have a stew. And then Jill is like, so captain, look at that. That's an island, right?

I know what an island is. So which one is it? Because listen here, I've captained a boat myself, okay? It wasn't a boat like this. The fastest I ever went was Newport. The farthest I ever went was Newport. But I wouldn't go to Nantucket because there's just too much openness there.

Okay. Also, I heard from a very good friend that they do not have nugget ice on Nantucket. there's just too much openness there. Okay. Also, uh, I heard from a very good friend that they do not have nugget ice on Nantucket. So why even go? Why even go? I have to say, not the best Island. This is why Gary marries a nag because he needs one. Okay. So they're getting on water toys now and Ben goes, all right there, Gary. Now this is the pulley through the water thing. That's what it's called, the technical name for this toy.

Now be careful, keep your dick out of that hole. And then Gary gets on it and goes, oh, okay, oh wait, I got my dick stuck in the hole. Gary literally just cheated on Jules Aran with the sea bob. With the sea bob. All right, Captain, all right, all right, Ben, Ben, Ben to the wheelhouse. How's it going, Ben? He's like, well, it's been tough. I can't do everything. I'm going to have to put more responsibility on the crew and I can't take it.

And he's like, all right, well, put more responsibility on Dylan and see if he can handle it. All right. Like I saw him the other day, he was balancing a stack of protein bars on his nose, like a seal. So I know he's got some skills in him. And then someone's asking Drew out there, what's the secret to his skills? And he's like, well, I'm not going to be able to do it.

I'm going to have to put more responsibility on the crew. And he's like, all right, well, put more responsibility on Dylan and see if he can handle it. All right. Like I saw him the other day, he was balancing a stack of protein bars on his nose, like a seal. So I know he's got some skills in him. And then someone's asking Drew out there, what's the secret to his skills? And he's like, well, I'm not going to be able to do it.

And he's like, well, I'm not going to be able to do it. And he's like, well, I'm not going to be able to do it. And he's like, well, I'm not going to be able to do it. And he's like, well, I'm not going to be a seal. So I know he's got some skills in him. And then someone's asking Drew Dylan outside what his position is. He's like, I'm deck hand, but I think I'm going to be Lee Dickin. Yeah, I have the same experience as Ben. So basically, I'm already it. Basically, I'm the captain. I could be, I will be, will be the captain. Hold on. I'm just going to put my ankle behind my head. Felt good. Felt good. Felt better. High five. High five my own foot.

Does this mean that we're setting up a scene where Ben promotes Sonny over Dylan, and then Dylan is salty? Or is it going to be that Ben promotes Dylan over Sonny, and then Sonny's salty because Sonny is sleeping with Ben, but then the news too comes and Ben has eyes for the news too. What do you think is gonna happen? Which way is it gonna go?

I do not care enough about these people to make that. I will say that he can't really give Sonny the raise because he's banging Sonny, so. Right. Yeah, well this is why you don't bang your underlings. I saw that movie with, um, that redheaded actress where she was the conductor tall tar tar. You mean Fraser? I saw that movie and you know,

you better be careful when you're banging the help, like who you promote because it can ruin your life. Okay. And also don't bang the help. Okay. How come it's so serious in that movie, but has below deck just not had Tar yet? Have they not shown that on y'all's TVs yet? Okay, you need to watch it. You know what I saw Tar? All the people on this show.

You know what? So guess what, Fraser, on the plane right over here, I saw Tar, very good movie, could have been better. I don't know. Why don't they have it take place? How about this? Take place in a restaurant who wants to see a symphony. That's what I say.

Listen, you're not gonna be able to have a movie called Tar and then have it not be about street paving. You know what I'm saying? Like it's just, list your expectations to a different level and it never delivers. Like I'm not here to watch somebody, you know, tell somebody else how to play a cello.

You know what I mean? Like where do roads come from? That's my question to talk. It's like having a movie called Violin and you're watching a highway being built. You gotta like make sure it matches. The title always gotta match. I'm just saying this, I'm not trying to be a nag.

I'm just saying this so that your next movie's better. That's all. You're welcome. So then Dylan is talking about, it's like, look at this life life is amazing, this is living, this is living, look at that sunset, this is living. And I just love that he's trying to be so positive, but he's still spouting off slogans from Weight Watchers, because that's the old Weight Watchers slogan, this is living.

And Vanessa Curtin or whatever her name was, Vanessa Redgrave would twirl around, she'd go, this is living, and she would dropgrave would twirl around and go, this is living. And she would drop her coat and twirl around and show her newly trimmed body. It's not funny. So I do remember, I remember Vanessa Redgrave was like the big Weight Watchers spokeswoman and she was always wearing red. So then the guys look at the sun and goes, wow, the sun is so big. Don't fat shame the sunsets, wow, the sun is so big.

Don't fat shame the sunsets. So one day it'll be thinner than you. Oh God. Sorry. I got angry there. High five, high five, push up, push up. So then the captain- The best part about the sun is that it burns its own calories. It's so hot.

Hello there. This is a two part recap. Okay. This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two. Watch what crap ends would like to thank its premium sponsors.

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