Watch What Crappens - #238: Don't Look For Gifts in the Horse's Mouth

Episode Date: November 13, 2015

(**re-uploaded! If you had ish, this is a fresh upload. ;) )Rocky has ten more breakdowns in a mermaid tail this week on Below Deck, Ladies of London taught us all about polite fights, and we sent five Housewives to Space. Plus: Brooks admits mostly lying kinda (Vicki’s fault) and two new Housewives cities are announced! Come on in! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Texture is the mobile app that lets you tap directly into the world's most popular magazines anytime, anywhere, using your phone or tablet. Try Texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins. Watch What Crappens would like to thank its premium subscriber, Christy Doherty. We love you, sugar mama.

Hello, welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast featuring all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. Hello, I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I'm with the gorgeous, good-mooted, lovely coiffed, lovely coiffed, Tiago-infused... Ben Mandelker. From B-Side Blog and the Banta Blinda. I am so good-mooted today, and I don't even have Tiago in me. What I have is good old-fashioned

Starbucks from a clear cup with snowflakes. That's right. Some Christmas decoration, y'all. Snowflakes on it, but the snowflakes look like cocaine. Looks like someone was snorting cocaine off my iced coffee cup, and that's just totally unacceptable they are turning christmas into a cocaine sniffing godless affair thank you everybody for listening to this uh and thank you for everybody uh who supports us or thank you to everybody who supports us on Patreon.

At patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. That's where you can go get our bonus episodes. Ring tunes. Hangouts. Et cetera. Come to watch what crap ends.com for links. Subscribe on iTunes. Et cetera.

Come to facebook.com slash watch what crap ends. To talk crap with other listeners. You guys are posting there like crazy. It's amazing. It is absolutely amazing. So good. We're getting so much gossip from there. Tons.

Tons. I'm looking at it right now. If I seem a little quiet, it's not just because you're talking. It's also because I'm looking at the gossip on our Facebook page right now for our podcast. Suck up. Suck up. So that's it. That's it for our plugs.

Fanea, look you like that we're trying to get that quick and easy guys because i know it's been about five minutes of blying at you already i know now we'll blot you with things that really don't matter yeah we have there's actually a lot of stuff to blot at before we get on to the shows for today which include uh ladies of london season finale and also Below Deck. And I forgot to watch Apres-ski. I'm so sorry, Ronnie. I hope you didn't watch it.

You know, I didn't. Oh. I pretty clearly remember that we made a stand that we were not ready to commit to that show yet. That's right. So just pretend. So on the mountain of recapping, we are down at the snow lodge drinking hot cocoa and saying, you know what? We don't need to go up there today. That's exactly right.

We don't need to go on to Shut Up Mountain. We'll stay in the Shut Up Ski Lodge. I don't want to feel trapped in a gondola with people who probably would hate me and that I hate. Yeah, exactly. I don't want to feel like I'm serving somebody in a gondola telling is it terrible that whenever i think of apreski the really the first thing that i think about and the only thing i think about is that girl's gigantic peter gallagher eyebrows oh i love those those are the makeup the nerd girl makeover eyebrows i love those eyebrows ben

just makes you want to like nuzzle do some, weird Eskimo kiss with them, except with your eyebrows. Like an eyebrow and eyebrow fuzzy kiss and make static electricity. She does kind of have Leon eyebrows. They both do, I think they eyebrow trim, which I think is kind of a new thing. But, well, they're thick line-wise, like the line width is thick. But doesn't she, I think she, like, actually trims them because I think they're thick line-wise, like the line width is thick. But doesn't she, I think she like actually trims them because I think they're short. They look manicured, but they also look like they're as thick as like a chunky magic marker. Okay, yeah.

Okay. Like not even a Sharpie. This is like one of those, like a highlighter. Someone took a black highlighter and highlighted her eyebrows. But I do want to check back in on that show, mostly because of that girl. I really like that she speaks in, like, memes and stuff. I really like that. She'll be like, wow, that's Mr. Friday Night over there, am I right?

That's the way the cookie crumbles. Hey, no use crying over spilt milk. If you can't stand the heat get out of the kitchen that's what i always say i don't know if hell froze over or just whistler give her a little bit of an andrea laugh there a little andrea from real housewives of melbourne season one speaking of other franchises real housewives is really expanding and we're not just talking about the fillers and the breasts. Okay. There are a lot of things happening. First of all,

I believe, uh, we, we didn't talk about this, but Real Housewives of Cheshire is coming to Bravo in the U S people have been telling us to watch that. Well, guess what? It's coming to us.

It's coming to us. And how are you feeling about that? Ben? Bullish. More accents for us. Um, I'm all down. I'm down.

Are we going to watch it of course are you kidding me being yes okay i'm down i saw the first episode last year or when when it came out you know or when it came out on youtube um i saw the first i think episode or two episodes and uh it's pretty difficult to understand but i think that uh like any other show we'll get used to it i think it's gonna be one of those shows where we're going it's gonna be like a rorschach rorschach you know it's going to be like we're gonna take we won't really be able to understand it we're just gonna take from it what we want to project onto it we're just gonna look at the blobs that have been splattered all over the screen and try and make sense of it in any way that we know how.

This show is all about mommy issues. So strange. So the other thing is that. That's new. After Andy Cohen famously announced a few years ago that there would be no more Real Housewives, things have changed. You know, Miami has fallen by the wayside, RIP. And DC has fallen by the wayside. and dc has fallen by the wayside so time to go into expansion mode again we are now getting not just real houses of dallas which

was leaked uh earlier this week i believe um we are also getting what we learned yesterday in a surprise move i think the real housewives of the potomac or of potomac which is kind of like my i i think it's their way of saying well we want to do something in the dc area but we don't dare use the word dc because you know so many people disliked real housewives of dc so basically this is a new franchise that takes place in maryland in the suburbs of D.C. And it looks crazy. It looks crazy. And I'm so glad we've got another Black Housewives. It's about damn time.

And you know what? It's almost an apology for the Dallas one. Yeah. I feel like Bravo's making a huge move by saying, we're willing to put the whitest people in the world on television okay we're giving that you you thought the housewives were white right before we're going to dallas and to make up for it we're gonna also add a black housewife yeah maybe yeah thanks bravo um that looks fun there's actually a full trailer up i mean this was this really caught me by surprise

because you know all the other real housewives are from significant geographical areas. You know, I mean, Orange County, arguably before, you know, before the OC and before the show came around, Orange County wasn't as well known. But, you know, Beverly Hills and Miami and New York and, you know, New Jersey, these are areas that people know and have famous stereotypes. So Potomac is sort of strange because there's no Potomac type that people are aware of, that people want to find out about. But I'm down for the cause. Oh, I'm sure there will be a type. There will be now. By the time this show is done, it looks pretty good and they're fighting about interesting things.

It's not like tea party fights. They're actually fighting about racial division and religious division. I mean, it's pretty interesting. No one's faking cancer or Lyme disease or whatever. It's like real things. I can't wait to see those very important topics totally destroyed and bastardized by Bravo. So it's going to be great. Speaking about faking cancer,

the other big news since Tuesday is that Brooks has fessed up that yes, he did fake the City of Hope cancer claim. And he blamed it on everyone else. He was like, well, you know, I did it because

I felt, you know, I did it because I needed to provide something for the story. And everyone was questioning me. So I did it. He basically blamed the show. He blamed the women for lying. Well, have you ever bought something and you didn't keep the receipt? And then you wanted to take it back. And they said, where's the receipt?

And you said, I don't have the receipt, but I remember buying it here. And so you walk around the store, and you pull the tag off something else and put it in the pocket and then do it again. It's like that. I bought it in the first place. I just lost the receipt. You understand? Yes, Brooks.

Makes total sense, Brooks. I'm on the Us Magazine article right now, and I'm afraid a video is about to play while I'm on it. So if you guys hear some noise all of a sudden, Brooks. I'm on the Us Magazine article right now, and I'm afraid a video is about to play while I'm on it. So if you guys hear some noise all of a sudden, apologies. But he's like, what I did wrong was inexcusable. I acted alone without Vicky's knowledge. See, there it is. See, I told you.

There'd be noise. It's like an assassination. What are you confessing to? Jesus. I know. He's like, I never intended to disclose my actual medical records or detail my details about my private and personal medical history. Thus, the rationalization presenting documents that weren't true simply for a storyline on the show. So he's like, well, I don't want to show my real ones.

So I'm going to produce some fake ones that are going to stand in for the real ones that I'm still not going to show. Well, I'm OK with violating my fake privacy. But my real privacy is my business. And I will continue to look for those records and possibly maybe show them to you if I feel like it because it's my prerogative. I don't know if you've heard the tune. He should do the O.J. Simpson stance of, I will not rest a single day until I find those cancer records. For the rest of my life, every time you see me, I will be looking for those cancer records. Well, one night I was in bed with Vicky. And she said she was hungry.

And I said, honey, I would get you anything in the world. Roses are are red violets are blue eat 24s on the phone you want me to put your credit card number in there and get some pizza sent over she said i want a casserole i said i don't know how to make casseroles and she said pretend to have cancer someone will bring us a casserole i'm the og of the oc well no one ever brought that casserole so who's on trial now? He's like, as University of Louisville basketball coach

Rick Pitino once said, mistakes can be good. They are fertilizer. Everything I've learned about coaching, I've learned from making mistakes, and guess what? I made mistakes too. And by the way, that was actually a quote. That wasn't me making up Brooks. Brooks actually said that. He actually quoted Rick Pitino

and said, mistakes are like fertilizer. I'm like, yeah, because you are full of shit. To quote the great Abraham Lincoln, you might have heard of him. I have to go to the bathroom. To quote,

there's a special lady in my life that I'd like to quote. And she says, give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. That's right. That's Lady Liberty, and I have been emancipated by the Statue of Liberty, who's also my girlfriend. The child support. Vicky's just mad at me because I met a new lady and she's a big lady she's a lot of lady to handle

she's actually several stories tall and made of copper well after dating Vicky I'm ready to date a statue just having a woman who will sit still you know who doesn't change their story? that statue

my favorite movie of all time is working girl because it starts off with a big long shot of my favorite woman statue of liberty i said let the river flow indeed right to the statue of liberty i'm normally not into women with hats but you know that one has her own island and no one's gonna fire the statue of liberty ever now do i believe there should be a wall up against mexico to keep the immigrants out yes but when my lady says bring in the immigrants i mean how could i say no i love everything the statue of liberty stands for. Oh my god. Every time I see a woman standing there holding a trapper keeper, I get a hard on. I remember watching Ghostbusters 2 and she got up off that island of hers and walked over to Manhattan.

I thought, what a brave moment for my little lady. So stupid. so stupid oh speaking of stupid i wanted to say you guys i'm so stupid okay i i'm a total batch i know but you know when i'm wrong which is all the time i have to have them we should have a special moment where i'm like guys remember when i said that totally lie totally lying false statement last time. So I was going on about Real Housewives of Atlanta and I was saying something about Kenya selling a show that was stolen from Sheree or some shit. You guys, I'm just reading the Internet. I'm stupid.

Sheree did sell her show that selling in selling it in the Atlanta is a Sheree Whitfield production. So there we go. Yeah, there you go. Props to Sheree.field production. There we go. Yeah, there you go. Props to Sheree. Sorry about that. Yeah, big props. That's actually a big deal for especially for a fallen reality star to sell a reality show. Good for you. Good for you, Sheree.

Good job, you guys. That's a big step for a housewife. That's a real job. It's not fucking Claire's boutique runs out of your trunk. housewife. That's a real job. It's not fucking, you know, Claire's, you know, Claire's boutique runs out of your trunk. Doing a trunk show for Claire's boutique.

Put a sticker on it! Wait, there's one other thing. There was like just so much gossip that happened between Tuesday and today. I think I didn't actually read this article because it's a podcast, it's the internet and who cares? It's a Bravo.

But someone posted on our page. It probably was Cindy C or Michael Cook, but maybe it was someone else. Who knows? CCMC on the CC. So it's official that the twins are not coming back to New Jersey. Thank God. Yeah. Who said that was official?

We reported that Amber's not coming back but now it's that was on our bonus episode if you want to listen to the bonus episode you get to hear us talk about amber but no actually now uh uh the twins too are are dunzo so good oh so good yeah that's my that's my commentary good i definitely noticed the lack of. I felt kind of bad for everybody this week because Jim and Amber come out and try and get all this attention. And people are like, yawn, go to bed. No one cares. It's a conspiracy. It's like a JFK that nobody cared about.

It's like nobody cared who killed JFK. Okay. Sweep it off the road and let's keep moving traffic. Division. Division. Yes. and then so they got fired i think they probably got fired first and that's why they went off but anyway they went off and then someone tweeted it andy i mean i don't know i can't write all that shit down it was when i do what's wrong anyway someone are you saying the thing of they're like what do you think about amber yeah something and he just wrote back, I mean, in Andy, it's total ice. He wrote back, I wish her well.

Yeah. Ouch. That's like an auto reply to an e-vite. It's like an auto no to an e-vite that you can tell was just sent from the Gmail. They didn't even go to the e-vite. It's like the one time I met Countess Luanne and someone said, oh, is ben he writes for that website b-side blog and she goes how wonderful he was like okay and i like ran away it was so scary so good did he get chilly in this apartment another story for the Celebrity Files.

But that one was an actual story because I actually talked. You're like, the year was 2009. Well, that story was actually, I've told this story before, but that was actually part of a larger story. Should I just tell it again? It's quick. Basically, Alex McCord, Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York City.

And I used to be Twitter friends. Yes. You put that feather in your cap. How about that? Or in my cap. But we were Twitter friends. And she posted a picture of her, Ramona, and Luann. Like they had just come to LA for some Bravo Press thing.

And so I DM'd her. No, I tweeted at her. I didn't even DM her. I just tweeted at her. I was like, oh my God, like maybe I'll run into you. So she direct messaged me and was like, oh, we're going to the Ivy. Maybe we'll, you know, we're going to Ivy like right now at like 1pm. Maybe we'll run into you. So I was sitting in my underwear and I write back. I'm like, that's so funny. I have lunch plans across the street i had no lunch plans

i'm like okay i'm gonna go stalk these bitches so i went over there invited me to lunch yeah exactly so i went over there and so alex is sitting there with ramona and luann at the ivy the famous picket fence and i walk by as if like, what a coincidence. And I like wave at her and I'm like, Alex, I'm like, oh, are you here? And she's like, oh, why don't you come around? Why don't you, she's like, she gestures to me like, why don't I come into the restaurant? And I'm like, oh, oh, this is so fun.

Oh, sure. Yeah, I guess I could come in for like a few seconds. Meanwhile, I'd like driven there expressly to go to her in the restaurant. And I walk in and coincidentally enough, Kelly Ben Simone was also at the restaurant and she'd been seated at the table directly next to them. So I go and I'm like standing there and it's so crowded at the Ivy. I mean, there's like no place to stand. There's like waiters.

It's hard. It's just like very difficult. And I'm standing over this table, standing directly over Alex, Luann, and Ramona. Ramona is like in her phone. She's like not looking up. She's like, how's this work? My email, how's this work? She's like scowling. phone. She's not looking up. She's like, how's this work? My email, how's this work? She's scowling.

Luanne is just not paying attention. Alex is being very courteous, but I'm distracted. I'm like, here's Kelly right here and all these people. Alex introduces me to Ramona and Ramona is like, oh, hi. Yeah, okay. My phone. She's like, Alex, can you fix this? Can you fix this?

Ramona does not give a shit about me. And then this is when, I mean, I've already told the payoff, which is that she then introduced me to Luann and said, oh yeah, he's a blogger for B-Side blog. And Luann just looks at me and goes, how wonderful. And I could not have left the Ivy any faster. That was my, that was my interaction with Real Housewives of New York City city unfortunately you're not an appetizer change into an appetizer thank you i'm like luanne but i brought you eggs eggs a la francaise oh she's like what's that that's not a thing she hadn't heard of it yet it's the past she was actually in a bathrobe uh with a bikini at the Ivy.

Oh, Ben, that's one for the celebrity files. We were listening to music cues today and laughing. Oh, should we do our mailbox? Yes, let's do it. Let's do our new segment. Wait, I have it. It's not ready. Oh, sorry.

Okay, it's ready now. Okay, it. Wait, okay, it's ready now. Okay, it's the Watcher Crappens mailbag. Welcome to the Watcher Crappens mailbag. November something, something and something. Yeah, something. And then it just ends. I like the music just ends. It's a 10-second loop from GarageBand, everyone.

We're real Housewives composers now. This is from the Watcher Crappens mailbag, which you can submit to if you support us on Patreon. All right, go for it. Okay, here's a great question from Housewives Junkie. You two have been asked to colonize Mars in a special space mission. You have to take five Bravo housewives. Which five would you take and why?

You can choose past, present, or past or present housewives. Ramona, because I think everybody should stay calm in space because it's going to be stressful. And she's going to look so stressed out that everybody else will feel calm. Yeah. I think this is actually a really hard question I feel like maybe Leah Black well you know Leah Black will get her ass out that spaceship

meet every alien out there she already has her spaceship she's like well why don't you take mine she's like I know the mayor of Mars. It's already colonized. We get there. She already has like a table of sushi ready.

Like, what took you so long? Welcome to Mars. I have a house here. Meet my colorist. Our chat's been shooting bare aliens the entire time. Her colorist is like, I see red. Yeah, dude, you're on Mars okay he's like dong dog a ding dong i want gina i want to bring gina so that way when we're walking around on mars and we do

find a merchant she'd be like i will like i walked right up to that marshian and I said, get off my planet. Get off my planet right now. And guess what that Martian did? He got off my planet now. Now listen here, Martian. You may be green, but one thing I'm not green at. The law. I'm a barrister.

Find it. Own it. You're an insignificant ass hair. Fuck off, you stupid cunt. I never said any of that. Welcome to the ass, girls. Mankind may have been looking for signs of intelligent life for years and years and years, and now that we've

found you, guess what we know? You're just an insignificant ass hair. Get off my planet right now. Listen, Martian, I'm not saying anything about you, because I like you, but what I am saying is you've been in sex parties on

Facebook and everybody knows it. Talk about giving the blob jobs to the old people. Martian. Go on then. Admit it. Your makeup artist told us, Martian. Martian, you really smellmit it. Your makeup artist told us, Martian. Martian, you really smell. How about you have one of my Gina Liano sips? Make you smell better.

I love Martian, but what an idiot. I think that also, well, probably Shannon. I think we want Shannon up there as well. Well, you know. It's only appropriate if I have Dr. Moon that I'm on Mars. David? David, are you on Mars? David, I will go to all ends of the Earth and to Mars to find your mistress.

Oh, the Martians left me chocolates on my pillow. Thanks, Martians. Well, I guess Martians don't have to think about their weight. Look at that. Well, one thing I like about Mars is not a lot of fat and extra sugar up here. Martians, I'm trying to turn on David's Find My iPhone. What's your Wi-Fi?

Here lies Shambador, abducted by Martians. Martians who gave her more love than her husband ever could. Martians. This whole lack of gravity thing is making it hard to tape up the poster boards you made graphing out our relationship. How do you ever post anything up in Mars? That's what I want to know. David. David.

David, I need to lose weight. Everyone else is floating around and Mars is zero gravity, but I'm just walking on the ground. I'm David? David. David, I need to lose weight. Everyone else is floating around and Mars is zero gravity, but I'm just walking on the ground. I'm heavy, David. Too much fat. Too many gastropubs. The only person that doesn't float in space. There you go. And guess what? No clouds to stare angrily at.

Thanks a lot, Dr. Moon. I would have texted him, but my phone didn't work up there. Thanks, Mars. So we have Gina, we have Ramona, and we have Shannon up in Mars. Are there two others that we can add up there? Let's see. And Leah is there, but we didn't take her there. She's just already there.

Yeah, she's already there. First. She's, like, already there. Like, where are you guys? Uh-huh. But, you know you guys? But you know what? They do get a phone call from Teresa. Hey, just want you to know that down on Earth. Yeah, I found a dildo.

Yeah. Have fun on Mars. Bye. I heard that Martians fuck each other with dildos. I heard it. I heard it. I heard it. Yeah, you can hear them.

Yeah, that's what they do. Yeah. That's what they do. They told me to go inside today because someone flew a spaceship over Mars that said, hey Teresa. So I went inside. Teresa checks in to Mars.

Checks in to Mars. Checks in with Mars. With Mars. Okay, so who else? That leaves one more. I vanderpump just so she could be like yeah i'm doing yeah and uh what are we doing what is this day i'm not doing this i'm businesses for crying out you've got these little things roaming around the planet you know what's your map what's your roadmap what's your goals darling i, so far I see you've been on this planet. Nothing's been done. There's nowhere to eat here.

Darling, come on. Chamber of Commerce. I'll introduce you around, darling. Darling, please come to my new restaurant called SUP. It stands for Sexy Unique Planet. Mars is sexy. It's a sexy, sexy planet. It's all red here.

It's just the color of sex. That's why I like this planet. I came here to open up a bar and play cool, jazzy music from Argentina. sexy planet. It's all red here. It's just the color of sex. That's why I like this planet. I came here to open up a bar and play cool, jazzy music from Argentina. All right, darlings. Where's your arse hardware? I need giant pots. All right, I need Marsh and Penny.

Do you have any Marsh and Pennies around here? Chef Marsh and Penny. All right, introduce the Marshes of Tuna Tartare, Penny. Surely you have tuna on Mars, don't you? Where's the nearest lake? We need to find a tuna. All right, you don't have anyone named Penny. All right, anyone who's lost the Martian version of Supermarket Sweep against children.

All right, just get them. Marvin, you're cute and small and green. How about you come into my restaurant? You work for us now. And that's it, right? Did we do all of them? I think so. Well, I assume also that Yolanda arrives

in her cryo-frozen chamber to get rid of her Lyme disease. But I think that covers... Like, I came all the way to Mars and still did not find a cure. But at least I have a Gucci. Well, maybe Jorinda's there too. You know? If you want to go on a space mission, do a space. Well, maybe Jorinda's there, too. You know?

If you want to do a space mission, do a space mission, Mr. Jetson. Those bosses were complaining that John was putting their hands all over them. I mean, you're a boss. If you don't want it, you don't want it. Like, blow up the world, then. I mean, what am I going to do? You know, take out the chaos, Grant, and just, you know, figure out what you're going to draw on Mars. I don't know.

Listen to me here, Martian. I'm going to cut your balls off. I'm going to shove them down your throat. Talk about my daughter again, all right? Okay. We actually have other questions, which will be a good segue into our next show. Lola Del Rio, one of our favorite listeners of all time. She's been with us since Housewives.

Who down? Lola. She asks, as I burp, regarding Ladies of London, why do you think Annabelle and the Ice Queen are so ready to cut each other? Me thinks there's some super long-standing bad blood. Oh, yeah. I think it's called they're British. That's like some high school shit. Yeah.

Oh, no, they have a history. And we'll get to that later in the show because they do have that sit-down-at-the-tea shop. I would really love a cup of peppermint tea. I would really love a cup of chamomile. I'm like, why does everybody have to give a shit what you'd really love? Make your order. Oh,

Alexander loved it when I ordered peppermint tea. It reminded him of going to a dark club and having sex on a swing. Peppermint tea, rock and roll, Alexander. I would love some of those dried leaves on a separate plate with a razor blade and a Starbucks straw cut in two.

Rock and roll. Lori asks, Lori Ann Cummings. We love Lori. Oh, Lori is great. Have you checked out Juliet's fashion blog? Have you checked? I haven't looked at it. I think that I feel like I'm just going to guess that everything that we saw on tv was everything that's on the blog i feel like it's probably

two like literally she wore everything at one time in one anorak yeah sometimes people will just share one instagram so i want to show all of the clothes in it um prom dress suit jacket uh so i guess while we move on to ladies London Sorry we don't have any fun Closing music for our We can play this one That was the mailbag That was the Watcher Crap and Smell Bag

The mailbag in Mars Mail mail mail Mail came through Into our mailbag It's going to end in three seconds See it just ends Mail, mail, mail, mail, mail. Mail came through into our mailbag. Okay. It's going to end in three seconds. See, it just ends.

I didn't even stop it. It just ends on its own. That's because you've got to copy it, paste it, put it in a loop bin. You're never going to be a music supervisor for Bravo if you don't learn how to use the Apple loops. Flurry, you're just three seconds too long. Too long. It's only so long that we can sing mail, mail, mail, mail, mail. So, Flurry, no more just three seconds too long. It's only so long that we can

sing meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Flurry, no more. You're fired. Clear the Flurry. Clear the Flurry track. Valentina, find us new music. Alright. Now, guys. Ladies of London, what the hell?

Where are you going? Why are you leaving me? And why is there no reunion for Ladies of London? Why? It really bothers me. It really bothers me. Why? I want to see some polite fighting. I love polite fighting.

Their polite fighting on this show is so good. Darling, I really respect you as a woman. It's unfortunate that you're such a sad sack of shit on the inside. You know, we go so far back and sometimes I find you to be a silly cow, but other than that, you're quite lovely.

Darling, I know that you're a wreck of a human being and I'm fine with that. But the other girls don't know, darling. They're not marinated in your brand of uselessness yet, darling. You must give them a chance to grow. Thank you, darling. What a lovely talk. Annabelle, in your book series, did you include daft idiot me in it? Because that's a part of

you, isn't it? Well, that's under-bullied me, darling. You turn the card over and it's a picture of you with horns coming out of your head. Oh, darling, so I'm a devil. Yes, darling. Oh, thank you for telling me that, darling. I love being British and upfront about things and then talking about being British and not talking about things. I'm feeling nothing. How about you? Me neither, darling. All right, non-hugs, non-hugs. My favorite part about being British is just moving on from things quickly and easily

and then having grudges afterwards and then saying that we've moved on. But we're still having grudges. Alexander! Alexander! They're like, previously, this season. Alexander! I was like, darling, no, no. That's very, very previously, all right?

Too previously. Previously. Previously on Annabelle. Alexander! You're over-previouslying me, Bravo. Alexander. So the show began with its typical public domain music, which is perhaps produced by the same people who brought us Flurry. It is, but it wasn't a girl power song song i was very upset it started with just music it was

like no it was girl power well it it morphed into it but it didn't start like we're girls it started like i was like oh no you better give me some girl power and then it went into you got a lot of nerve uh-uh thinking i would take you back. Yes, I love it. Writing down the lyrics, I did too. Yeah. Love it. You have a lot of nerve. Like, what?

I hate their petulant public domain music. Yeah, their music is always mad at somebody for not treating the song like it's enough of a girl. They should just play Wagner. Like, play Flight of the Valkyries or something. I would love it if every episode be i would done i think it's amazing how many complaining girl songs they can find like everybody's always mean to girls they're like you can look down at me but i'm a girl i know all the songs are like that you can close the door, but I will open it. I know how to use a doorknob too. It's like, great.

You just want to be like me because I'm a girl, girl, girl. Don't walk on the carpet. Walk on the wood. I'll walk wherever I want to, which happens to be the wood. The sign said cross, but then I didn't. I'm a girl, girl, girl. Cross walk a girl. I'm only cross about my walk, but I won't cross the cross walk.

So then they always intercut these girl songs with like the moms being slaves to the kids. Yeah. It's like, girl power. Mommy, may I please have a baby chino okay that's a direct quote by the way direct quote a baby yes yes darling yes you may have a baby chino first no i've never even heard of a baby chino is that a thing don't know we're too poor to ever understand a baby chino well i love that the little boy asked for it in such a like 1940s schoolboy way mommy mommy may i have a baby

chino mommy it's like the tiny tim of our time yeah he's like oh no no who's the one oliver is it please sir may i have some more baby yeahino? Please, mom, can I have a baby Chino? Please, sir, may I have some more? There you go. Here's some porridge. No, I was actually looking for baby Chino. Oh, yeah, here's your little thimble of espresso. The modern Oliver twist.

It's like the poor kid who can't get a baby Chino. I don't want no... It's 7 o'clock in this town, getting coffee called wrecked baby Chino. I don't want them. I'm a little sugar cock in this town getting coffee called wrecked. Baby Gino. And then we see Juliet throwing a birthday party for her dog and giving it like a chicken with a candle in it, which actually made me laugh. And I really appreciated it because we've seen so many bullshit episodes based around birthday parties for dogs where like the whole thing is like, you know, I thought it'd be really fun fun i brought all the girls together and i had a party for my dog and then everyone brings their

dogs and then they spend ten thousand dollars on like floral arrangements i mean that happened actually on melbourne right wasn't there a whole thing with figaro yes anyway and uh chica chica paris pups what's uh yeah what's quads things pups in paris like everyone does these extravagant parties for their dogs so i found it to be rather like, here's a piece of chicken. She put chicken on the floor with a candle. I was like, finally. This is what it should be. And then the dog gave her a taste of her own medicine.

I was like, I want to have a party somewhere else. I don't feel at home here. The dog's like, may I have a Wolf of Chino? I hope Marissa has a real party for me at a restaurant. Yeah, she always helps. You got a lot of nerve. They can now take you back. Baby hugs Caroline.

So Caroline with her children is hilarious. It's such a sitcom plot. This week, Caroline has to Caroline with her children is hilarious. It's such a sitcom plot. They're like, this week, Caroline has to look at her children. Yeah. And she's like, what's in your hair?

Toothpaste? How'd you get toothpaste in your hair? I'm surprised she wasn't like, why is there toothpaste in your hair, not caviar? Clear the boy,

put caviar on his face. Pauline, put caviar on my son's face. Darling, it's important to learn to only get very expensive things on your face. You know, I mean, Pauline,

she's one to get toothpaste in your hair, but not you. Don't be a po-face. Don't be a po-paste po-person, darling. Don't be a piste-face po-paste po-face po-person. Post a po-paste, post.

Never mind, darling. Peter Piper, whatever. Valentina! Oh, little boy, put some foie gras on your forehead, or caviar, but not toothpaste. I mean, what are we, just Pauline and Rainier at a renaissance fair?

Bad news, ma'am. We're out of caviar, so I'll put toothpaste in your little boy. Oh, that explains it all now, doesn't it? Clear. Wipe away the toothpaste. Put in the caviar. Who has the caviar brush? Bad news, ma'am.

Valentini used the caviar brush to clean the teeth. Oh, my goodness. Jesus, that's... Not use that. Use oil B on your teeth and caviar B on the forehead. I mean, what's so hard? This is literally the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, is wipe off toothpaste from my son's face.

I can't bear sitting here knowing what i've done and enjoying myself at the same time i'm so sorry darling what do you mean i have a bit of camel fur on my cheek you see dying it's how to do it toothpaste go to your room brain yeah carry him to his room dank bad news mum dropped him down the stairs he fell on him fell in a tube of toothpaste too what was Carry him to his room, darling. Bad news, Mum. Dropped him down the stairs. He fell in a tube of toothpaste, too. What was the toothpaste doing at the bottom of the stairs in the first place?

I don't know. I think Pauline left it there. There's a sale at Marshall's. She dropped toothpaste in her excitement. Marshall's. Who's Marshall's? No, it's the store. It's Paul.

Never mind, Mum. I'll clean up the toothpaste. Darling. So, girl Mum. I'll clean up the toothpaste. Darling. So, girl power. Girl power. Now, Annabelle. Again, it's like Annabelle walking down the street in the rain. Like, girl power.

I'm alone in the rain. Fleming. Fleming's like, oh, I heard the doorbell. How lucky are you? Would you like to come in? How lucky are you that I have a house right here, right where you want to walk in? In my family, we believe in letting people in from out of the rain

and warming them with the glow of our knowledge. Please come in. Let me help you. How funny is it that the man who installed my doorbell, his great, great, great, great, great grandparents

were killed by my great, great, great, great grandfather. How funny. His entire family destroyed and now he's installing doorbells. How funny is that? So what I liked is

they're catching up about Denmark and everything and annabelle's like you know denmark was amazing because it was like everyone was having their own personal drama i'm like no only you were having a personal drama everyone was having a good time you were the one having personal drama don't try to give it to everyone else i loved her personal drama if annabelle was having personal drama like that in every episode, I'd be like, make her the star, darling. I love that. Annabelle leaning back with a cigarette at dinner like, or this is the part where you must talk to the hand, all right?

Rock and roll. Speak with the hand that I have put up in front of your face. That's what I say to you. Rock and roll. I can get behind that, donnie i don't like the little one he's like kind of i don't like the victim me when i like the strong one he's like fuck off rock and roll yeah no me too even if it makes no sense so uh then julie and juliette arrive and they're all sitting around eating broccoli and lentils awkward and julie you know

when annabelle's awkward because she starts talking in her weird puppet voice she's like oh and she's like moving like a dish towel around as a puppet what are you doing she starts talking like those puppets of margaret thatcher from the 80s you know you know those ones i forget what they're called like i forget what they had a name but um they were like really big there's like a ronald reagan one and a margaret thatcher one yes and they're in the genesis video yeah um awkward puppet me no one's mad at awkward puppet me eh hey girls awkward puppet me um um so then um so julie's like yeah i really enjoy denmark and then caroline fleming oh my god i love this she's like well i'm really glad you enjoyed yourself because that

means that you're fond of me and so at first i'm like what a strange thing to say i imagine you're being like how lucky are you to be fond of me oh no no, she had her pissed off flooding voice where it's like a monologue. She talks a little bit louder and a little bit more curt, you know? That must mean you're fond of me. And we should have known the trap was set. And Julie's like, yeah, well, yeah, of course I'm fond of you. She's like, oh really?

Because I heard you called a friend and said, why is she joining our friendship? Because I've heard that she's a terrible person. I was like, what? Where did this come from? I'm so glad that you love me because I've heard that you think I'm a horrible person who's going to murder every baby in town. She's like, um, who said that? What?

Who said that? Oh, well, I did say say that but that was a long time ago what what yeah i mean it was so awkward you could hear a pin drop on the bookcase in the middle of the dining room table and juliet and juliet she's like don't piss me off she's right i mean you i love when a caroline fleming attack comes out out of nowhere and she oh yeah she does and she she'll yell at your ass yeah she drops that act really quick by the way i looked up the margaret thatcher puppet and i feel really happy about it but i still can't find out what they were called Spitting Image I made Julia a total Oh, go ahead, speak of which

It was called Spitting Image Those puppets are called Spitting Image I was making Julia a total wuss Too early Because at first she was kind of strong She was like, what are you talking about? What are you yelling at me about? Yes, I heard from a friend She's like, yeah, that was like, what are you talking about? Like, what are you yelling at me about? Yes, I heard from a friend.

She's like, yeah, that was like forever ago. Like, you know, they've already had the discussion or whatever. Yeah. She didn't even deny it. I may have forgiven you then. about it, I wondered if you were truly, really aware of how your actions have affected the entire royal family.

I can't help but wonder now, now that you think I'm a terrible person, that every time I asked you about the flavor of Aquavit being so wonderful, if maybe you were not being totally sincere when you said, yes, it is a wonderful flavor. Do you truly forgive Great Grand Daddy Dan, Daddy Dan, Daddy Dan, Dan, Dan, said, yes, it is a wonderful flavor. Do you truly forgive great-granddaddy dan, daddy, dan, daddy, dan, dan,

dan, dan, dan, dan, dan for killing your father's granddaddy dan, daddy, dan, dan, dan, poor person? Because that's something we need to move on from. You don't think I'm terrible just because we murdered your

family, do you? No. It was just a murder, but it was historical. We put his shrunken head in a case upstairs. You touched it. How lucky are you? Yeah, have some of that aqua. It is a wonderful flavor.

You have to admit it, even if you are. Even if you think I'm terrible, you have to admit it. It's a wonderful flavor. That bitch is crazy. They're lucky it wasn't Drano like in Heathers. I know. Crash through the coffee table. So then this was the perfect chance for Annabelle to jump on and start attacking Julie.

She's like, well, you know, I was having a hard time with Alexander. They're writing an article about Alexander. I was having a tough time. You didn't reach out and cuddle me. You didn't reach out and cuddle me. You didn't reach out and cuddle me. It was uncuddled me. It was uncuddled me. It was me without a blanket around it.

Blanketless me. It's a bit long to fit on the card, but we'll find a way. Yeah. We're going to hide the title of it behind a tree so you can't read it. You just wonder, why is that me blanketless? It's freezing out there someone should go cuddle it but you can't because then it ceases to be uncuddled me it just remains uncuddled for the rest of life i've only got enough budget for two more cards

so then julia and annabelle are now fighting and julie's like well you know i i admit it i did it wrong you know but like i didn't know like i didn't know if you wanted anything brought up i didn't want to do this and annabelle's like a caudalina kiss is not bringing anything up just wanted to cuddle in the kiss but i sent her text i mean i did send her text look i sent it and then she whips out her phone they show her phone and it's like a 20 page text and she's like dear santa bell i'm really so so sorry with the way things went down it's just that you know things feel bad and then i feel this way and then emoticon emoticon feelings i don't even know what i'm typing right now Cactus emoji I don't know where that came from She's like I tried to send it

And then Siri said it wasn't good enough And to redo it It said didn't go through do I want to try As a text I thought I thought I already sent it as a text It was the first time Siri and I ever got in a row First time So then I love that Then Caroline Fleming bro. First time. So then I love that then Caroline Fleming now tries to help out.

And she goes, you know, oh, the one person she really wanted a hug from is you. And then Julie's just like, I know that Caroline. Whoa.

Yeah, but there were all these people and like everybody was going to hug her because it was like Alexander's dead day or whatever. And Fleming goes, yes, darling, but even if there was a queue, you should have stood in line in the queue and waited your turn. And when it was your turn, you should have given a hug and a cuddle. She's like, I know. I know. she's like i know i know even it was sort of funny seeing julie get really annoyed

caroline because she's already annoyed that caroline brought this this other thing up right before this and now she's doing with annabelle and then julie is having this she's just losing it she's like i'm so sorry i'm so sorry that caroline's like well and she's like let me talk caroline and seriouslying, shut up. Who are you giving advice to? You don't even speak to your family. Shut up. Over there.

How lucky are you that you get to let it all out? What I think she's trying to say is, I'm not too old to date whoever I'd please. Thank you for... It's like, who's talking about you? Shut up! I think what Julie is trying to say is that, yes, it was rude that you all were late for breakfast that time in Denmark. When you can't respect somebody's family in a castle, how can you be expected to respect Annabelle's feelings when Alexander dies?

Right? I think that what Julie is trying to, I think what Annabelle is trying to say to you, Julie, is that yes, aqua V really does have a wonderful flavor to it. Wonderful. Only in civilized countries are you supposed to adequately puree almonds

before you make the butter. In some countries, chunky butter is just fine. Aren't you lucky? I think that what Annabelle is trying to tell you, Julie, is that she can smell the cabbage in the air. She can. And Julie's like, but I texted. Yeah, what are these texts?

What are these textesses everybody's sending? It's like all you do is like texty, texty, text. I'm right here. You don't have to text me. All right. You don't have to swipe anything and just look into my face, darling. Can I ask your directions? No, darling. Real conversation.

And then Julie just and then she's like, I have kids. I have jump balls. I have Mapperton. I am frantically busy. Dads are like writing letters. I mean, if Shakespeare was alive, he'd have done everything through Siri. It would have been something molten in Denmark, you know,

because stupid woman didn't understand what he was saying. Because Siri is busy. Siri has a family. She cannot concentrate on every single word you're saying at every moment. What if she just was Siri? They need to make a Julie Siri where you're like, Siri, tell me how to get to the mall. She's like, I

can't! I'm just so tired! At first she'd be like, well, I mean, I guess you could go down, you know, you could take Fountain to La Cienega, or you could just take Sunset to La Cienega. And I don't know, there may be traffic, so maybe take Melrose. I mean, I don't know.

There's so many different channels. Why are you asking me? It's not like I know these things. I don't know. I've got four kids. I can't. I'm so frantically busy. Are you walking or are you going to drive?

Oh, there's bike directions. You want to know what has bike lanes? Wear a helmet. Oh, good. Get directions. You want to know what has bike lanes? Wear a helmet. Oh, good. Get it the wrong time. Where did you put your tea? Where did you put your tea? Whose tea is this?

Anyway, so after the fight, then Julie goes and meets up with Marissa. They have brownies and white wine spritzers. Julie, of course, is like, well, after that, I had to talk to somebody. And Marissa knows her. Marissa loves her. They're good friends. I'll talk to her. She's like, Marissa, you won't believe what happened.

Marissa's like, really? Tell me. I have a question. Is Julie, have we turned Julie into City Rose from Big Business? No. Well, kind of, actually. Yeah, they're similar. Because she does get her voice.

And I would like to add that on Tuesday night, I got stoned, ate half a pizza with my friend Marcos, and then ate basically like a pint of ice cream, and then we watched Big Business stoned. Oh, my God. I just did that five minutes ago, but on a talking about bravo shows weird it was so great i should have invited you over i'm sorry that's a good night that's a good night being it's a good night oh it would have been nice if you invited me but i understand that you're feeling things but i just can't we got to talking and you know i've always wanted a farm and little animals. You know how I love to chop and so get on with it.

We broke up. I don't just have babies. I have board members and they can vote me out at any time. So for those people who are not, who are, that did not happen in Ladies of London, we just are quoting Big Business with Julie Voice. Okay, so Julie and

Marissa are talking and she's basically talking about the whole thing and it's what you just said before. She's like, we've never had a row. We've never had a row. So good. Yeah, that's basically all that. And Marissa's basically like, yeah, I get it. I mean, look,

she's a single person. Her relationships are more important in a way because she doesn't have a husband and kids. She doesn't understand what that's like, you know? Yeah. Like, if her feelings are hurt and you're not hugging her, she's like your little kid who needs to be hugged. She doesn't have anybody at home to hug her. She's like, alone, no one loves her, me.

I mean, darling, it's like Gran has arthritis and can no longer hug me. Too much time on her hands, me. Darling. and can no longer hug me. Too much time on her hands, me. Darling. Well, you know, I'm one of those single people, and I have issues like that sometimes with my friends with kids and in relationships

where I'm like, well, what about me? And they're like, Ronnie, honestly, I've been barfed on, screamed at, kicked, and beaten. All right? My dreams are dead. Do you really want to talk about your fucking day at the whole foods shut up so then we get to the fun stuff which is caroline stanbury and she's at home her children

are running around all over the house and she's just sitting there sipping tea like get me out of here i have to reopen the gift library so i don't have to be around these little animals look i understand that what you see is a fabulous, gorgeous, wealthy woman who's loved and has a staff and a lovely carpet. But at the end of the day, there's no sign behind me telling people to be nice, and children are heathens no matter who you are. Even the queen gets shat on every once in a while, darling.

Yeah. I love how her kid comes comes up and she's like, Mummy, mummy, can you sit with us? Can you sit with us, mummy? She's like, yes, I'll sit with you. Don't fall off your chair. She's like, ugh, I have to get off my stool and move to a different one. If there's any evidence of you touching me after you've touched me,

you'll never touch me again. Do you understand? You better think of your spaghetti prints, darling. Chair time starts now. You have five minutes. I like when she was teaching them to eat spaghetti. She's like, here you go. Turn fork.

Turn fork. Stab bowl. Stab bowl. Chew. She literally said, this is a direct quote, she goes, chew. She literally said, this is a direct quote, she goes, put it on

and twist. Valentina, twist the fork for the children. Swallow. All right, excuse yourself, go to the bathroom,

put your finger down your throat and beat on with it, darling. Pauline, more spaghetti, please. Valentina, twist stab twist all right valentina you stab pauline you twist both of you go oh she is so funny she's like i don't care who you are i defy you to spend two or three days alone with children so good this is a job that you don't get to go home from it doesn't matter if you've been So good.

This is a job that you don't get to go home from. It doesn't matter if you've been kicked out and there's no more glass wall between you and them, darling. You still have to go there. Bad news, ma'am. Pauline made another pot of spaghetti. Gonna do some more stabbing and twisting. Amber, we need your wrists.

Amber, my child has turned orange from spaghetti sauce. Wipe him down. Slowly. Those kids are so cute. How did your heart melt when that little kid was like, Mommy, may I hug you? Yeah. May I touch you?

She's like, all right. Slowly. Hug me slowly don't hold on let go around the waist now around the knee all right let me stand up hugging the knee hugging what do you want do you want me to sit in the chair or do you want me to stand up and be hugged? You only get one. Can I hug you in the chair? No. If I'm in the chair, I'm in the chair.

If I'm hugging, I'm out of the chair. It's one or the other. I have hired terrible nannies for my children to have manners like this. Father nannies! Your hands are orange from marinara sauce. No more hug for you. Revoked. When you've learned to more hug for you. Revoked.

When you've learned to clear self, you can come back. Clear self. Clear. Clear the marinara sauce. Oh, my God. So Marissa is planning a party for Annabelle's me, me, me. I love that this season is ending with an Annabelle me, me, me party. I love that this season is ending with an Annabelle me, me, me.

It's just that I need attention from people if they're supposed to be my friends. Because I've written a book that's all about me. Listen to yourself, darling. Can you imagine what Annabelle's real friends are thinking? She's like, oh, yeah, Naomi, please come. I'm having a book reading of something called The Me, Me, Me's at a place called Bumpkin. What has happened to you, Annabelle? I don't know, but it's all very rock and roll. Well, we're talking about other semi-reality people, too.

I mean, I don't know where the line is. Is that like a bad thing? semi-reality people too. I mean, I don't know where the line is. Is that like a bad thing? Like, I've been, I'm sorry, darling, I can't come to your book thing because I have a cupcake store opening. I have to go to.

I've promised my dear friend, Bettina. But you were important to Alexander, darling. Alexander here, he would have loved to have somebody read that book in a bookstore and, you know, put it down with that bag. I mean, let's face it. I'm sure if Alexander were here, he would love to sit on a little

pillow and bumpkin and listen to your silly short story. So she's planning it and she's like, that's my special. We're gonna have little hot dogs over there.

So this was a cute scene. Marissa's being nice. And Annabelle needs somebody to be nice. Because, I mean, yeah, Annabelle's moody and stuff. She's hurting. She's not a bitch. No, she's just not in touch with her feelings as much. She sort of is.

She acknowledges that she's not in touch with her feelings. But she puts up walls. And she obviously misses Julie that's where this is coming from is that like you know they were so tight and now Julie's hanging out with some other people and that can be hard sometimes back in the TVgasm days I used to write recaps all the time

about I'd call them sidekicks and masters because it's a common trope in reality TV that you have the quote unquote master which is like the alpha and they have a sidekick and the sidekicks are always, you know, the sidekick and then every now and then the sidekick gets their own wings or they go

to a different master and there's this really awkward prolonged friend divorce that happens or strange emotions because it's like every housewives ever or that show, I don't know if you remember the show Sorority Life, which was one of my favorites of all time on MTV that show is I don't know if you remember the show Sorority Life, which was one of my favorites of all time on MTV. I didn't watch that.

That show was nothing but sidekicks getting their wings. It was always they'd go to some ugly sorority, and the girls would join. They'd be like, oh, my God, best friends forever. And then a sidekick would be like, oh, my God, there are other girls I can be friends with outside of my master. And I'm like, I'm going to be friends with these people. And the master's like, I can't believe she's friends with those people and then it's the whole season of them I taught her how to wear makeup yeah they never would have been friends

with her in the state that I met her and I made you that's what that's exactly what it is I mean sorority life season one oh my god I wish I had that on DVD well Caroline I mean Bethany and Jill Lisa and Brandy Vicky and Tamara in a way.

Yeah, Brandy sort of did it to herself, though. Brandy started to gain wings, but she also kind of just, like, screwed that one in the pooch. Well, yeah, but she got to Melinda Doolittle-y, where she was like, I'm the lead singer. I just remember Simon years ago being like, Melinda, you're a wonderful backup singer. I'll say that about this performance.

I was like, damn. How rude. For a moment there, I was like, did he just reference Melinda Doolittle from American Idol season seven? I sure did. Of course, you know, I was totally rooting for her ass. I loved her.

I wanted her to win. Oh my God, me too. They make it sound like hard work is such a bad thing. Simon's like, you've been in this industry for 30 years, working your ass off, singing your way from one end of the country to another. What could you possibly have to bring to the table? I'm like, uh, maybe that she's been singing her ass off from one end of the country. Ugh, experience. You've walked before. Maybe that she's been singing her ass off from one end of the country. Experience.

You've walked before. We need a fetus in here. Get me a semi-on-tune fetus. Anyway, yeah, typical reality, darling. Yeah. So then we get to a scene of Juliet. It's like basically Juliet's storylines kind of ended several weeks ago. So now she just sort of putters around episodes now.

And so for this, they're like, oh, I guess let's put like a little button at the end of her season-long arc, which is I started a fashion blog. And it's really cool. And it turns out that like if I can express myself, I am happier. It's like, what? Where did this come from? I noticed that I really annoy people and I thought, how can I annoy people with something other than my mouth? So I'm wearing a fur coat

over a tank top, over a tuxedo and a ball gown with a wig and a really chunky necklace. So... You know that one out in fashion? It just reminds me of home. It of thanksgiving at home in chicago couches layers when it's really cold outside you just put on whatever it's around you know it's crazy like if there's a sweater on the floor then you like you just you wear the sweater like

i love i love when reality stars talk about starting a blog as if it's some accomplishment it's like you just entered in your email and a password and clicked on a few buttons and you have a blog. Okay. We did it. Okay. No big deal. Getting a kismet registered took a really long time. It was hard.

But no spam. So I'm doing it. She's cute. Yeah. I like her. She's much better this season yeah i like her fashion business it's very funny because she's very um stacy london and whatnot to wear you know yeah she's like look she shows up just looking crazy she's like hi i'm here to tell you what to wear what not to wear those make you look fat. Like, this makes you look crazy,

but at least you're not like, mm, she's fat. You know what I mean? So, like, it's called distraction fashion. Hey, Caroline, I'm just calling to let you know that you know, I called you fat, but it was like a joke. I was just saying, like, it makes you look fat, but you're not actually fat. I just want to let you know before you get it from someone else. Thanks, bye.

So then Caroline and Annabelle now go meet, right? Wait, one more thing. I'm so sorry. I didn't say it. I was laughing at you. Juliet goes, Yeah, I'm like a fashion fairy godmother. I don't have a wand, but

that's all. What does that mean? She's like, Cinderella, it's midnight, so here's a vest and a perka and a beanie and a top hat. Okay? So that'll save you.

Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Am I right? Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Am I right? Am I right? She got a prince because she looked crazy and dudes love crazy chicks. Hashtag crap and squirts. So then Caroline and Annabelle meet and they're like talking

because Caroline wants to find out what's going on with Annabelle and let her know that she's sort of being a bitch and she's like you are you are petrifying to people just so you know thank you thank you listen just so you know you you you're petrifying to people in such a in such a very regal sophisticated way darling It's so classy the way that you do it, I'd like to point out. It's just that... Academy is a new scripted podcast

that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List,

Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school

where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, When they hear the words Black History. Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others.

Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. They're classically terrified of you telling. You're doing it with manners, but it's still rude. Do you understand what I'm saying? And Annabelle's like,

darling, thank you for telling me this because what I was feeling is that Alexander was being stabbed and Julie was sending me little faces of, little cartoon faces of people blowing hearts out of their eyes, darling. That could have been Alexander's head exploding. How can I be expected to have fun in Denmark

when Alexander is being stabbed to death five years after he committed suicide? It's very difficult when you're in a group and the people in the group are having fun. Yes! Yes! We are getting to some real psychology today, guys.

Digging, telling. This is also the part where they were like I would love a jasmine tea rock and roll this is also the polite fighting I just love polite fighting

because the scene opens with like dun dun dun dun dun dun fight scene it's a fight scene girls and then they show them walking down the street together arm in arm yeah like walking like old friends arm and arm going to have tea yeah caroline caroline sits in a chair and she's like oh this chair has no give does it it's like oh that means the fight's on this chair yes this has no cushion what you say it As hard as nails. Like you were. Regal,

sophisticated, but way too old for the space. No one wants to sit there. To be honest. So this turned into a very odd meeting because Caroline was being honest and she did

tell her also, darling, I know that you're emotional and psychotic, you know, in certain ways, but the others don't. You need to let them know. Put up a bulletin, darling, something. Just remember that they're not British. They don't understand things, all right? So you may be angry at them, but they don't understand the way we do it,

so you have to actually just express feelings. And everybody's like, no feelings. But I stabbed them with a fork. No, darling, no, no. That's not how they do it in America. They smile and hug and then stab each other in the fork. Oh, right. But this turned into a very odd scene where Caroline was, I guess, needing to be in charge of something since

she's not at work anymore. And she's like, darling, we called you in here because we've been going over your performance review and you don't even seem to want to be here. Is this your destiny? Is this your calling? When you look around in the office break room, are we buying snacks that you want to eat, darling? Or do you have a palette that's just not up to our Amazon Prime standards? Do you still want to work at this company? Bad news, Mum.

Annabelle hasn't answered yet. She told us to wait for her to snort the chamomile and let it settle into her brain, Mum. Bad news, Mum. Looks like she loaded everything into her cardboard box. Valentina, music!

Station change! Bad news, Mum. Annabelle took all the peppermint tea bags when she left the office. So you do like our office snack ordering, darling. Alright, we can be friends. You're invited to my girl code party. Bring jelly tots.

Oh, by the way, someone sent me jelly tots. Dun dun dun. Amazing. Thank you so much, Miss Red. I love you so much. That's nice. Send me a package of jelly tots. I almost cried, and then I binged. They were amazing.

Could someone send me a package of, like, chocolate? Thanks. Bing, jelly tots. So, yeah, so Caroline almost let Annabelle go from the friend group. I don't know when she became the CEO of the friend group. Yeah. Yeah. She was, like, a representative.

She was, like, a delegate. She's like, well, I think what all the girls want to know is, do you want to be with us? Most people would be like, this is kind of weird and offensive. But Annabelle's like, okay. When you're with us, it just seems that you hate us. Like, you look down your nose at us. And she's like, well, yes, but that's who I am, darling. I thought we were accepting each other for who we are.

You know, mine is disgusted I am, darling. I thought we were accepting each other for who we are, you know? Mine is disgusted with you, me. Alright? She's like, well, we want you to stay, but be nicer when you stay. So Annabelle's like, well, I thought I was being quite nice. You were. I'm just joking with you. You're a delight.

She's like, stay, but just be somebody else. Alright. Alright. Pat on the head head good to see you darling love the sweater very bold it's got padded shoulders rock and roll so then caroline is getting all girly and she's like well here we are at the end of the season things may not have been going good but i love my girls and I want to show them girl power at a pool party. She's like, this might seem flippant to have a pool party,

but I say I've got more money than all my girlfriends, so in a way I'm just inviting poor people over to drown. Seems kind of fitting if you think about it. She's like, you know, it's probably not the most sensitive thing to have a pool party when you've just put about 40 people out of work.

Anyway, so pool party. She's like, there's no buts. There's no buts. They're just gonna... That's all. Blow floaty. Floaty Valentina. Intern.

Floaty intern. She's like, Pauline, just lie there in the pool, alright? Just lie there. People will ride you. Someone get some water wings for Pauline. Alright, we're gonna have Pauline float down the pool, alright? People can just come sit on her and just be floated down the pool, alright?

Valentina, get the inflatable alligator and put Pauline on it. Send her away. Marissa's like, wow, it's a wiener. Like a hot dog. Well, I like the party planning when Caroline has this planner and she's looking over the menu

and she's like, what's a tuna poke? I think it's like, you know, it's poke mom. All right, send the tuna to the party. I'd like to hug the girls with tuna poke. I'd like to show the girls how much I love them by poking them with the tuna,

whatever that means, darling. Alright, just send it around on a trade, darling. I'm sure Juliet would like it. Bad news, mum. Bully's drowning in the pool. Good, darling. I told her to float, not drown. That's why you can't keep Bad news, mum. Bully's drowning in the pool. Good, darling. I told her to float, not drown.

That's why you can't keep a job, darling. All right, get the be nice sign in there. Chose to interrupt, darling. Get bigger filters. So she then hires a bunch of rent boys to be at the party. So funny. Because of Luke, of course. He's like, why don't you get a rent boy, mom?

It's a good idea. Why not? I can't have hookers in the house. I have children, darling. But what would you rather have in the house? Hookers or children? Good point. Clear the children.

Bring in the hookers. Well, just make sure that you bring in children hookers. All right. So they're at least all in the same peer group, you know. Call me a bad mother, darling. Do the hookers know how to eat spaghetti? You don't have to teach them that, too. Stab and twist. It takes a different meaning with rent boys, doesn't it?

Sponge bath the rent boys, darling. i won't have dirty hookers in my house at least they're clean that's right it's a good mothering right there i'll defy you to spend two days in a home with dirty rent boys darling sponge them down pulling uh twist angry of me i'm the angriest me of all me's okay so she's getting ready for this party and then uh of course synthesizer synthesized guitars from garage band come on annabelle's going to a big book signing angry me just to read about angry me everywhere i turn there's cutouts of angry me's i'm just going to read about angry me. Everywhere I turn, there's cutouts of angry mes. I'm finally comfortable at a party.

Disappointed me is having a lovely conversation with angry me, who's talking to depressed me out of lithium mes. Bad decisions. Rock and roll. Oh, look, there's talking to depressed me out of lithium me's bad decisions. Rock and roll. Oh, look, there's borderline me. Oh, God, there's I refuse to eat a hot dog sideways me. Don't embarrass me, me. Marissa did us a lot of favors.

I hope you like your party. Okay, so this was a cute party. So this was a book reading where she was reading Angry Me. Her first book, Angry Me. The angriest me of all time. Children, gather round. I'm angry. Gather round, the angry, crazy-faced woman, darling.

I'm going to read to you. Because when I was a child, I was dyslexic. And I just wish someone had read to me, you know? I mean, there could be an angry dyslexic child walking around going M, M, M, M, M, M. You know, it's me, darling. It's me.

Doing a service for the children, darling. Robo. I'm not an M&M. So she reads her story and it's cute because her grandmother comesem so she reads her story and it's cute because her grandmother comes and after she reads her children's book which actually seems pretty adorable

she thanks everyone and I loved it because her gran is there and granny is old granny quite possibly intersected with characters from Downton Abbey, I'm not even saying that to be snarky. She was probably, Granny was probably around in the 30s, you know, maybe even the 20s. Who knows?

And that's when the Down Abbey people were around, which is crazy. When I saw Gran, I just thought, is Ben sitting at home monologuing to himself about mothballs? Because that was like one strong whiff. I got it. I was like, darling, I love you, but back away. I was. All of the moths in my apartment promptly fell to the ground and died.

It was like, it's like that, you know, it's like the sun shone and all the little vampires turned to dust. Grant's walking around with coke residue all over her nose, like, Doily time, darling! Rock and roll i i so i love

the granny because she is from the she's from the old guard truly i mean she is from the down down abbey era and and i love when annabelle was thanking her she's just like oh thank you very much thank you oh thank you thank you thank you so much thank you so much thank you i was like oh my god i love this lady she is perfect and she's in her fur you so much I was like oh my god I love this lady she is perfect and she's in her fur with her hat I was like pure perfection yeah she was pretty cute

and Annabelle's speech was so funny because she's like I would like to thank everyone for coming to me by me I've written this book about me because I've been going through a difficult it's been a difficult time me. And here I am in a restaurant with cardboard cutout

me's talking about me while you're staring at me awkwardly. Awkward me. So I'd like to thank Gran who's Gran me. And I'd also like to thank, you know, friends, whatever. You know, people I know or whatever. I mean, I know them. So, like, friends, thank you know like friends whatever you know people i've known or whatever or i mean i know

them so like friends thank you everyone's like she really opened up the music and a bell opened up and a bell's like oh darling felt awful darling oh god yeah and so then we go to the season-ending pool party at Caroline's place. I love Caroline doing last-minute adjustments. She was like, remove the children's toys. Clear. I need this away from the pool. Barleen, breathe. Take air.

Go for air. pool, balling, breathe, take air, go for air. This was so cute getting ready for this party because what was I going to tell you about this? Oh, yeah. When they were driving up, all the rent boys are so

cute, of course. Rent boys are generally cute. You have to be. But they were super cute, and they were coming up to greet all the ladies, and they're like, yeah, baby. And then he gets to juliet and julie and julia's like oh my god what is that what oh my god that's a guy in his underwear i mean is that guy coming to i don't have any change you have any change he's like no i don't know i think he's like a guy he must be a friend of Luke's. Gay person. I'm going to put this on the fashion blog.

I know he's gay because the only men who look at me that hungrily are gay. And they're so hungry. And I always have mac and cheese in my hair. Do I have mac and cheese in my hair? Oh, my God. Is it burnt? Taste it. Oh, he looks so cold.

I hope I can make him some hot chocolate. But I'll probably burn it. I hope that rent boy doesn't yell at me. And then. I don't like people who are named after Rent. I hope I can save Mapperton. Do you rent boys help pay the rent? Should we get some rent boys in Mapperton?

Have you ever danced at a cafe? I'm so frantically busy. She said, it's almost like she thought texting wasn't, like, good enough. I was crying when I was texting that to Siri. Well, everyone knows that if you're going to write an apology to Annabelle, it has to be in, like, with a scroll and a feather quill and sent via pigeon well julie you know i get that she cries and she's busy and all that stuff i don't think she's like a bad lady or anything she seems like a totally nice person but i'm kind of with annabelle i get what she's saying she's

like you can send me a text all you want but i was like crying right there and you were just kind of giving me a dirty look so you can pretend you're all nice now but you were definitely like doing something picky sidey earlier yeah and the other thing is um if your friend is like sad about something and you send a text and it's obviously a bigger issue than a text warrants and then they're mad at you that you only send a text your response should be oh you know i'm sorry you deserve more attention from me only send a text, your response should be, oh, I'm sorry. You deserve more attention from me than just a text. It shouldn't be, I'm really busy. And I'm so frantically busy that a text was all I could do. It's like, it's just not, that may be true, but it's just not what, that's not what you tell a friend. And if you do, you just sort of,

you don't say it in a defensive way. You say, I'm really sorry. I was so busy. I just, you know, I wanted to send a text just so you know I was thinking about you and then I wanted to follow up. There's like a way to do it maybe but don't do it as like, well, this is my side of the story is that I'm busy. Don't do that. That's not how it works. That's not how you validate someone's feelings.

That's not how you be a good friend. Yeah. I'm not really sure what her deal is because I'm not uh i'm not really sure what her deal is because i'm not sure if it's as innocent as i was just busy and so i texted you because i think the main point is you were on my side and then you were on the other girl's side and at the end of the day i'm still a girl like yeah girl side of you on you know and she's like i wasn't choosing sides i was just just busy. You chose sides, bitch.

And you were right to do so, but at least have the nest to say, well, I was choosing sides because I felt like you were trying to control me and make me fight your battles for you. And that's not cool either. I'm not your fucking puppet lady. You only liked me when I was doing what you wanted, and you could literally pat me on the head in public. And then the second I don't, you get all pissed off. She has an argument, too. She just doesn't make it. She's like'm busy really make an argument coming come on you're on a housewives show so they kind of actually rehash this stuff at the at this pool party

and bravo tries to make it look like it's gonna be a big drama but it's actually a pretty civilized discussion and they make up and basically the season comes to an end. And of course there's no better way for the season to end than with one last spurt of generic music where I only wrote down some of the lyrics because I just couldn't anymore. But it was like, One, having too much fun and we won't stop until the sun come.

And two, and what I want to do is turn up with the crew. I was like, what is this ridiculous song? Is this how we end a marvelous season? It's the girls at a party, clinking glasses cause we're at a party, have been drinking at parties. Girls, girls drinking at parties. I don't want to work anymore. I'm just going to a pool party at the door.

And Caroline's speech. I would like to thank you for coming to my girl power pool party. You are all like family to me. And by that I mean I'd like to see you for one hour a week

at most and then have you shuttled away and tucked away somewhere. I don't have to hear you. Thank you. You're all like family to me. And by that, I mean, I wish a nanny would come in and wipe all your faces.

You've all got toothpaste on your faces. Now, ride Pauline. Just grab onto her hair. She sinks, you know. I can't guarantee anything. Sue the business direct all questions to Valentina thank you

Luke looked so sad when she said my family is big now and it includes all of you Luke was like oh mum what about me mum do I still get the Christmas 2012 wave mum no so their end of the year stuff is really cute Will you get the Christmas 2012 wave, Mom? No.

So their end of the year stuff is really cute. Julie, I haven't saved Mapperton, but I'm on my way. My goal is to be the best Julie I can be. God. Girl, put it like you're me. Yeah. And then Marissa, I'm on it all, and I'm going to get it. Sideways hot dogs.

Chronicob hot dogs. Fleming's was the best because when they show her clip of her in real life, just taking her kids somewhere or whatever, she's wearing this black hat that comes down over half of her face. Like she's covering her face. There ain't even that one pops there. Get over it. And she's like, I am at peace. Dark hat covering face.

And she's like, I am at peace. Dark cat covering face. I hope that bringing my journey to the inevitably small screens in your little huts across the lands can help other people, preferably poor ones who don't understand almonds or butter. How lucky are you, little people behind the camera? How lucky are you little people behind the camera how lucky are you how lucky are you to be healed by my journey and admittedly it's a journey that really was not documented because there really wasn't much of an arc i suppose i just sort of existed in scolded people here and there so how lucky are you nonetheless and isn't Aquavis such a wonderful flavor? Is it not a wonderful flavor?

Does it not have such a wonderful flavor, the Aquavis? Hello? Producers? I would love to keep recording this, but I must insist that there be giant objects placed between us so that I only have to look at half of your face while I speak.

Now, why were you late for breakfast? Juliet. Yeah, it's been really fun because, like, I got mad on my birthday and, like, whatever. But now I have a blog. Layers. You heard it here first. Am I right? Layers.

Annabelle. Angry me. first in a long series of me's i'm really happy there's like a sad organ playing in the background totally deadpan um and then the very last shot of the entire season everybody was everybody in the hot tub and then sophie like jumps out with a yeah like a drunk olympian on the cover of a wheaties box she just won yes well in her mind she just did a pole vault. She's like, look at me. I did it. God better. Ladies of London, we love you.

I really hope this show comes back. The rumors are not good. But please come back. I love this show. I love the ladies on this show. And Ben, you know what else I love? What do you love? You guys guys we've told you about our sponsor Next Issue and how it's the best way

to read all of your favorite magazines anytime anywhere haven't we told you well Next Issue's new name is Texture and it has spectacular new features that make it the best reading experience around that is absolutely true you know what the best reading experience around. That is absolutely true.

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And I was just on it this week. I forgot what I was looking up. I was on there trying to... Oh, I went on to GQ via Texture, via my phone, via the toilet, to find out some new fashions for life. Where have they been? I think they were trying to push some sort of corduroy thing. It was like Tom Hiddleston

in corduroy suits. And I was like, that's really cool. I am not going to do that. Oh, I can't do that. I got thighs. Those corduroys would be whistling down the hallway. Been there, done that. Whistled in many a hallway. No thank you.

That's right. And they also had some advice for people asked for, like, I do this, should I do that? And they were like, no. Like what? I do what? Should I do what? I don't remember now. What advice do you need from GQ?

I can pull it up right now. I can pull it up right now. Let's get out of here with your GQ advice. Text your live. I don't know up right now. Let's get out of here with your GQ advice. Texture Live. I don't know. They had some, you know, it was something. I look at GQ and I'm like, look at all of these things that I could never, will never be. It's like kind of going to a zoo.

Like, I open it and it's like these beautiful men in tailored suits with clean faces. And even when they have beards, they're like trimmed and they're so handsome and then they're like hey what's the common answer for this common man problem and they're like be confident and gorgeous i'm like well great fucking advice you confident gorgeous person what do i do yeah jerks at gq i'll keep reading you on my texture. Texture. Oh, and by the way, it was not a corduroy suit. It was a chalk suit. A chalk suit, whatever that is. So here's the question.

My coworker insists on tying his tie with the double Windsor knot. I told him it looked stated. What do you say? And GQ says, I'm on your side. And at the risk of starting a war with sartorial old schoolers, I'll add the double Windsor knot, which is twice the size of the tried and true four in hand, has never looked good. Whoa. Ties are meant to visually elongate your torso, giving you that standing tall look.

A bloated wad of silk just under your chin, it does not flatter. Who the hell cares about a double Windsor tie? Okay, here's what you can tell me gq how come when i buy new jogging pants or jogging shorts the crotch is like dropped like a clown like clown pants yeah and then the ankles have elastic around i look like a crazy person okay that's the new that's like the look now is like these crazy saggy like they're almost like um harem pants yeah they're like skinny jean in the calves but then they become those pajama like onesie pajama bottoms on the bottom like you shat your pants

yeah yes it's like the look now yes it's like anti-ball support and what is with the anti-ball support movement all right gq get on that i'll be reading you on texture so anyway thanks texture yeah thanks texture alright let's move on from lads of lones hope you come back miss you lots probably won't because if it's a show that's not a housewife show and we love it it's usually cancelled

alright well let's see except for this one below deck below deck Below deck. Below deck. Oh my goodness. We've been doing that stupid below deck laugh. I mean that Leah Black laugh for a while now. I thought that was an Andrea laugh. Oh, for me it's Leah. But I can show that high.

You can do it real high. To me, Leah's... Yes. And Andrea from... See, I can't do it. No, you can't go that high. You can do it real high. To me, Leah's... Yes. And Andrea from... See, I can't do it. No, you can't. And Andrea from Real Houses of Melbourne, she doesn't even do this laugh.

We just made it. It's like our joke. She always had the worst jokes. She would say, you know what I call a boat in the water that's really expensive and very large? A yacht. You're a terrible woman.

You know how I know? Because you're a terrible woman you know how i know because you're a terrible woman oh wow okay i'm looking for my below deck notes i know i've got some you want me to start off yes please i'm going through a note search so um the episode begins with Roxy washing ramekins. Rocky. Oh, yeah. Don't make her Roxy because you're making her Chicago, and I love Roxy, Anne Rankin. Yeah, I don't know why I wrote down Roxy.

I don't know why I wrote down Roxy. It would be amazing if Rocky was played by Anne Rankin, a real musical theater star. She'd be like, deck, I'm on the deck. Spirit fingers. Anne Reinking once sang at the Oscars, and it was quite the interesting performance. So Rocky was washing ramekins,

and this is a perfect example of what we talked about last week when we had Kate on the show, of just these random little details the editor's throwing there that seem to tell so much in just so few seconds. She's washing the ramekins and we get a close-up of the ramekin with like suds on it. And it's like, no, you have to rinse that shit off. You can't just put soap on it and then just like put it to the side to be like it's washed. You got to rinse that shit off, Rocky. It drove me nuts.

The OCD in me was going crazy. It's called Don Guamoli, Ben. You're supposed to do that. Your stomach will never feel like it was this cleaned. Don Guamoli. With your laugh. I can never do that.

It's like a... So, Rocky is going crazy because, and justifiably so, because she had been hooked up with Eddie, and then Eddie then decided that he didn't like her anymore, and then just turned into an asshole, you know? So

she is feeling like shit, and so she then decides she's going to confide to emil about this because she hasn't told anyone so she pulls emil at the side she's like you've been so awesome to me you know like when he told her i want to fuck you so bad and why won't you let me fuck you and do you want to fuck now or how about we fuck now yeah she's like i really knew you were my friend when you like offered to put your entire fist at me and then make me scream cuss words. Yeah.

Well, thank you. So it's right. That's how we learned to do it. That's how to charm a lady. So do you want to like, no, still no,

but anyway, listen to my bullshit anyway, because no one else will talk to me. And he's like, all right, then my lady, it's for me, Phil. me. And he's like, all right then, my lady. It's for me, Phil? Yeah.

And so then she's like, yeah, Eddie and I were basically boinking. And he's like, that is hilarious. That is so funny. Now, excuse me while I dive into this ocean and cry. Poor Emil. Well, that's wonderful. That's hilarious. I can't believe that was going on. So he must have had some really good talking there what do you threaten to do sit on your face huh

it's probably what he did that's wonderful where what good news tell me more and then he actually said he actually said i'm annoyed that he got in and not me. And then they both laughed. They were like. You can just imagine he's like, does that tall laughter cry thing. Poor Emil. And he tells us, that's not the girl I thought she was. I put some effort into her. Really? You did?

What was the effort that you put into her? What was that part? I put on a sweater. I put on a sweater for her. Yeah. One time, I put a sweater around my shoulders. I wore the same shirt three nights, and I didn't iron it once. It's a mythic.

How dare she? She betrayed me. And then he's like spilling beer on himself. Poor guy. Poor guy. The one that got away the mermaid that got away i feel for you darling darling a meal i'm gonna pat you on the head um then you're like i just wait for it to pass it's like an ambulance in the street no i got distracted i got distracted by an email notification my friend is she's having a um a housewarming on the same night that i want to have my birthday party and my birthday party happens my the timing of mine is because

it's my birthday and the timing of hers is i don't know it's just like her random day no but i think it actually works out because i want to do my birthday as a happy hour and i think she wants to do hers at night so it'll work out but it's one of those things where it's like you know it's annoying no you can't go from a crazy party to a housewarming party oh my god and hers is in like uh highland park or something like that i don't know i mean. We'll figure it out. Write her back a house-wise response. Say, I will not be coming to your used home on my birthday because my birthday is a holiday and all the streets in your neighborhood will be closed anyway

because holiday. Bye, bitch. It's also like her hot husband's birthday is like three days later. Oh, that's different. Alright. The hot one. Do it for the hot one. Hot Chris. Hot Chris. And we. Yeah. The hot one. Do it for the hot one. Hot Chris. Hot Chris.

And we like Leah. So anyway, so then we cut to Ben and Kate flirting in the galley as usual, doing their flirtatious thing. And then you cut to poor Amy and she like opens the door. She's like, it's too hot in here. Oh, it's so hot. Let me unbutton. Let me unbutton. Look how hot it is. Look at my bosom.

Anyone? Hey, Starfish. Isn't it hot out here, Starfish? It's so hot. Let me unbutton. Look how hot it is. Look at my bosom. Anyone? Hey, Starfish. Isn't it hot out here, Starfish? Look at me. I better get out of this kitchen because I'm in danger of just heaving, heaving until I die. I need some water. I wish I could

drink salt water. Why would God fill an entire sea with water you can't drink? Anybody? Hey, drink salt water? Why would God fill an entire sea with water you can't drink? Anybody? Woo! Hey, if it's too hot, if you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen and into the water with starfish and conch.

If you can't handle the heat, the kitchen's probably on fire and something's burning in there. Somebody better get down there, guys. If you can't handle the heat, you may have a favor. Do you want me to get you some Tylenol? If you can't handle the heat,

I'll handle it for you. I'll stand in front of the heat. Ow, my back is burning. Are you happy, though? Oh, it feels like warm water. If you can't handle the heat, would you like a pina colada? If you can't handle the heat, would you like a pina colada? So then.

I'll go in the kitchen and cook you whatever you want, Starfish. Starfish, is it getting too hot, global warming, raising the sea temperatures? If you can't handle the heat, don't you worry. I'll find a touch tank for you. Starfish. The flirting is hilarious because it's Ben and Kate. So it's like, hey there, look at me. I'm cooking something in the microwave or whatever.

She's like, yeah, because, like, you're cooking stuff. And they're like, meh. He's like, Kate, Kate, what are you doing in the microwave, Kate? Kate, are you putting something in the microwave, Kate? Oh, you are yeah because like you put a timer on it and you can rely on a microwave like i'm like you and they're like oh romantic it's like i know it's like i need to find a twist tie for the garbage sack excuse me kate yeah good luck keeping that from leaking all over the floor and then making somebody else clean it up.

Maybe I want to do that, Kate. You ever think about that, Kate? Oh, my God, I'm getting the vapors. So much twist-top flirtation. I'm like a flower. Throw some water on me and I will grow, y'all. Kate, do you hear a noise coming from the door? No, I don't.

Me neither. Good. No one can ever hear me. Am I invisible? I think at the end of Below Deck, we're going to find out that Amy's been dead the whole time. Where's Whoopi Goldberg? I need to talk to people.

Whoopi Goldberg in the sixth sense. That little boy sure saw me. I gotta do some pottery. Oh, God. Tony Goldwood. Look out for Tony Goldwyn, y'all. Amy, you in danger, girl. Oh, no.

What kind of danger? I love danger. Is he handsome? What are his hobbies? Just out of curiosity. Not that I care. I mean, I don't need danger. Who's danger?

I want him. Starfish, you got to get out of Tony Goldwyn's touch tank, Starfish. Starfish, you're need danger. Who's danger? I want him. Starfish, you got to get out of Tony Goldman's touch tank, Starfish. You're in danger. Starfish and I do pottery. It's real special because he got five hands. So it's like a lot of special rings on that pottery. So we go from one awkward flirting to awkward non-flirting to rocky freaking out that she doesn't have any friends she's acting like this has just happened and she doesn't understand why

she's supposed to work ever why does she work she's like why they're being mean to me like i had to like do things like it hard. They don't understand me. I'm not living my passion. I'm not living my passion right now. You know what I mean? Amy's like, oh, well, my passion is patting people on the arm and looking at them with compassion. So I am living my compassion passion. It feels good.

Jump in the pool. We can deal with it. Meanwhile, Eddie, this episode, they really are making Eddie out to look like a dick. And he is a dick. Oh, my gosh. So is Eddie. He's making himself look like a dick, too.

Exactly. He is on a power trip. And, like, Emil is toiling at something. Because, you know, I loveile is toiling at something because you know i love when emile toils or something because he gets all serious and huffy he's like oh gotta make gotta get this pin out and eddie's like careful take the pin out you gotta put it back in and it's like oh shut up eddie like there's just that way of micromanaging that's so condescending i remember i had a boss um back when i was 18 i had it was a summer job and there was a I had a boss back when I was 18.

It was a summer job and I had a boss. I was working in like a ticket office and the boss's name was Noah and he was so cool. At first, I was like, oh my god, Noah is so cool and he's like so charismatic and everything. It's like, oh my god, everyone wants to be friends with Noah. Yeah, those are the ones to be afraid of being. Yeah, and at first, I thought he was like so cool and awesome and then i started to realize he was just an asshole and he was like so condescending and so awful that then it got to be i could not bear to see the side of him and i'm like that's what eddie is he's like friendly and cool like hey bro hey what's going on bro yeah

let's you know deckhands cool yeah yeah and then by the end of the charter season you're like oh everything he says is so cocky when he goes careful take the pin out you gotta put it back in it's like yeah i think emile knows that he's he's working hard at it you're ready to get up from the table there buddy well i hope you're prepared to get out there and squeegee that dick until there is not a dot on it and then you can get up how's that feel bro it's oh, you're a sag or else. And you're totally the type of guy to wear his, like, Guy Fieri sunglasses on the back of his head. Yeah.

Get out of here. I'm not listening to you. Get out of here. So then we learn that there's some new primaries coming on. And this guy, Vito, who's a self-made millionaire. He's a self-made millionaire. That's the most terrifying words I've ever heard in my life.

Aside from socks mandatory. You know, these guys going out and earning all their own money. He's gonna come on here and think he owns everything. Huh? You didn't make this boat, I'll tell you that. Rules made this boat. This boat can't be bought and sold.

Well, I mean, it can, but it's not our business, rules. Well, it is sort of our business, but, you know. And so this guy, Vito, is bringing, quote, unquote, hot industry girlfriends, which is interesting. And then we see – so Rocky – then we have – I believe the next thing we see is Rocky and Eddie eating cereal like face-to-face. And it's super, super awkward. And Rocky is doing that thing where she is being passive-aggressive. And so they're talking about like the end of the charter season. And Eddie is like, yeah, I'm super excited to get back to reality. I can't wait to get back.

And she's like, it's that bad, huh? I was like, ooh, God. Yeah, it's been really bad for you, right? Like, you get some hot girl, and you make her think you guys have something going on, and then you just dump her and don't stand up for her and make fun of her and ruin her life. You don't understand what's in her blood.

You don't understand her spirit. And then you're like, gross spirit. Okay, then. So is that what you're saying? He's like, okay, you're crazy. And my penis is no longer hard. So I'm going to back out of the room now. All right?

Yeah. Great. I'm just going to take this Captain Crunch over to Captain Lee. So, but then, but this is actually where Eddie really, really lost me, perhaps permanently, was that then he goes,

she came in and seduced me. Oh, yeah. I'm like, whoa. She knew I had a girlfriend. She came in to seduce me. She's the one. This was some old school madman shit right here. And he just turned Rocky into Joan, which I really resent because I love Joan.

Yeah, he's delusional. And then, I mean, it's like the Countess Luann thing where they know they're on TV. But it's like this chauvinist bullshit. It actually made me not only feel bad for Rocky, it made me feel bad for all the women, the thousands and thousands of women who have dealt with this very same situation where there was a spark, they hooked up,

and then all of a sudden she is now cast as the seductress, the evil seductress who lured him away from his wholesome girlfriend. It's like, no, actually, she was the naive, crazy one, which everyone saw from miles away. And you saw it and you were in a relationship, the dysfunctional relationship where the girl already cheated on you and yet you still stayed in the relationship willingly. And then you went and had sex with Rocky partially because you were horny, partially because you probably wanted to get revenge on your girlfriend, but 100% because it was on you. It was your decision. You were the one who initiated the text and you were the senior on this boat.

You were the wise one. You were the smarter one. And you went and you had fun with Rocky. And you should just own it. And yeah, she is crazy. We're not going to take that away from you. But you probably should have said, you know what? This probably can't go on. I'm sorry. Let's just go back to being normal. And then let her be the crazy one. He knew she was crazy.

And he did it anyway because he wanted to get laid and have a revenge fuck. I think you're totally right. Yeah. And if he had actually owned up to that that that would have been fine but for the fact that he and and it's even fine for him to say you know what i just realized that she's crazy that's fine too but then for him to then just stop like start being an ass and cold and and then blame her for it all is totally fucked up and it's totally within his

personality too like if you look at it. That's what his personality is. He's always arrogant. He's like blah blah blah. Everybody rules this that. He's always holding everything against everybody. And then his whole relationship is fighting about. Still being hurt bitch.

Or whatever with his girlfriend. And then he's like just using some girl. And then slut shaming her after. Like being this classic douchebag move, you know? Yeah. But now on the other side of that, it kind of shows that we have a little woman in us to have this because the other side of it is you're fucking a guy, you know, for a fact he has a girlfriend. And Rocky says, well, I mean, it's not my responsibility to know for, like, all I know. It isn't.

Like, it's all good. It is, though. I mean, if you know someone has a girlfriend, he's talking about her, he's on the phone with her every night, you know that you're fucking someone's boyfriend. And you can do whatever you want, but don't pretend that you didn't know he was a douchebag. Okay, yes. Yeah, no, she should not be playing naive. you didn't know he was a right okay yes yeah no she should not be playing naive but um and it's you know in those situations it's really not like the quote-unquote right thing to do but ultimately it's on eddie and it's not on rocky well it's on both of them she's disgusting too but

i don't blame her for having her feelings hurt like yeah well we don't know what someone's boyfriend so whatever but if eddie tells her yeah we're on a break or we're broken up i mean that's you know uh either way okay so she does she does bear some responsibility but i think it's i think it's well you know she's a lot you know she does because she's lying now she's like oh wait it's like like later in the episode she's talking to the other girls and or somebody and she's like yeah it's almost like the way he's treating me now, it's like he has a girl. Like he has someone. And they're like, yes, dumbass.

You know he has a girlfriend. She's trying to pretend that she never knew. So she knows. She's lying. Yeah. But I forgot what I was going to say. Something about Eddie being a chauvinist or whatever. I don't know.

Yes. Anything under that category I would agree with for sure. He's a's a pig yeah but the thing is that he had it so easy i mean he all he had to do is handle it slightly literally he literally had it easy yeah he had it easy but if he just handled it differently he would have come out smelling like roses like still the virtuous one and rocky would have been the total crazy psycho bitch she still is that to some degree but she's like a sympathetic crazy psycho bitch now yeah but leave it up to rocky to take a little sympathy and completely waste it within five seconds you know yeah well she's the most obnoxious little brat in the world and you're like oh good well it's funny that she seems to have this soldier in emile i mean mean, if this were like a film noir,

Emile is the guy who then goes and kills Eddie and, you know, at the hands of... You told me to. Or I did it for you. And then Rocky's like, nah, I'm not interested. But... Too late. She's like, stop calling me.

And then he's like... His Uber is following her Uber. Yeah. A lot of time. Because now Emile has now taken up the cause and he's he's mad at eddie and they're all sitting there eating a meal and you alluded to this before and eddie's say eddie says something to emil like you look tired and emil's like i'm not tired at all jesus and he just like walks up and gets out of there you tell him emil that's what i like i like

when um people like em Emil get really super angry. And they're like, oh, I'm going to say something. It's like, I dare you. I dare you to put the words together to make a sentence. Yes. To actually ever say anything. It's like, good morning. Yeah, good morning.

It's right. It's a good morning, isn't it? Good morning. What are you trying to say? Every day is a good morning. Isn't every day a good morning? So what are you trying to say today, huh? How about you keep your stupid observations to yourself?

Wow, look at that. The sun's out. Woo-hoo. You called that one, didn't you? Morning. Good job, Eddie. You're really, you're a great bosun. You see the sun.

Congratulations. You've got eyes. So, but Emil goes. I don't like Eddie. I don't like how he's, you know, bossy and like, Eddie says things like do this and then Eddie good sentence, this is great

just keep the camera rolling darling now Emil has his own issues with women because he's been out a lot he's said some really bad things to Rocky in my book, considering they're co-workers and then he gets mad at Connie because he's still in his mood

and she calls him a little bitch because he's still in his mood, and she calls him a little bitch, and he goes, why don't you do your fucking job, you whore? God. I can't believe you said... That should have gotten him fired, actually. Well, he's throwing furniture around the deck. Yeah. And she said,

yeah, I can see why Rocky gave up on... Rocky? Yeah. I can see why Rocky gave up on you because you're a fucking pussy. Something. He's like, oh yeah? Well, how about you go sit on a shark's face, you dumb slag? Whoa, Jesus. He's like, get murdered.

I hope you get murdered and all your children die. How about that, slag? It's like, whoa. He's lucky that Connie is a a you know just uh go wrestle crocodiles and enjoy a beer sort of girl because i think most women would have like back where i come from they say pick your alligator you know yeah she's like yeah so then um i think oh so now there's more rocky rocky Rocky is crying and sad. And she's like, I love this because the editors assemble this like montage of the way we were.

It's like memories of the washroom. And then she's like wistfully reminiscing on this passionate love affair. And then the washer stops its cycle. It's like, oh, it has come to its end, much like the permanent press cycle on the dryer. And now it's time for the rinse. I can't take it!

And then it's really bad. Maybe this is what you were alluding to before because amy comes to console rocky because rocky is like really losing it yes and rocky is like like i'm crazy i'm just like crazy i guess and amy's like yeah i kind of figured that out when you jumped off the boat in your underwear bless your heart wow it's bad when amy is shading you she was she had this look like i will swat you like a fly which you don't see often and then rocky's stupid mascara sobbing it's probably like the 10th time she's not today i'm going crazy i don't understand what it's like i haven't been doing anything i dream of. Like, I have dreams.

You guys don't understand. I have dreams. Amy is like, well, maybe a good cry will let it out. No, it hasn't worked so far, Amy. Maybe you can have dreams like most people. With your eyes closed. Under a blanket. Where you're breathing.

Being quiet. Dreams are quiet How about this Why don't you go down to that storage locker And we'll close the door on top of you And you can cry your eyes out down there I mean he doesn't want to cry I ran a bunch of cans of tomatoes They've already been cooked

Have a good cry Don't cry out loud You know what I'm trying to say Why don't you go with the non-perishables And let those tears out You know there's even some Yoki in a really thick plastic bag You know that would last 16 years

Go cry with the nokis so then let's see ben and i help you that was my favorite how can i help you honey okay help me help you help me get out of the situation. So then Ben and Kate are flirting again. And my only note was Ben calling, He just had his crazy laugh. He goes, Kate. Yeah, Kate, I'm washing in asparagus.

You know what that's like, don't you, Kate? Kate, I thought you wanted some fresh produce, Kate. You know about fresh produce? Don't know about it, don't care about it. It's not part of my job. Kate, I'm going to warm this oven up. I wish I had a button on you that I could press that would warm you up. You know what I mean? So then Vito and his guests, Vito and the guests come in. And it would warm you up. You know what I mean?

So then Vito and the guests come in. And it's time for the yacht tour. It's like, oh, here's our early to mid-90s decor. And please enjoy this mirror that's adorned by two metal branches for no reason. We like to call it industrial and yashique. We'd like to call this the River Phoenix room. He was never on this boat, but you know, it is like a tragic, gaudy death on a horrible street that way too

many people are allowed to trample on. So, okay. Meanwhile, out on the deck, Emil is still pissy, and this time he's pissy to the nice gay porn guy. Gay porn's like, hey, Emil, how's it going? And he's like, well, if I go on two hours of sleep, I'm pretty fucking normal to be in a bad mood.

That's what I say. Yeah, do you be happy if you slept two hours? That's right. I slept two hours. I've only jerked off 13 times. That's something right there. You know what I mean? And what's his name?

David? Yeah, I don't remember he's like he's like hey bro i know i just keep writing down gay i mean come on we're terrible that's our people right there i know but i'm like gay it's like brah because i like when gay guys are trying to get through to straight guys i totally do this all the time where i just start talking straight bro i'm like hey man i totally i totally feel where you're coming from uh you know right on you're really straight with them that's what he was doing he's like bro i sense that you're like off or something he's like yeah you need to be off chief you didn't sleep

yeah i've got my hands still grabbing onto something in the end just whacking it hard there's no one to stick my fingers in. You know what I mean? He's like, actually, bro, more than you'd know. Bruh. More than you'd know. More than you'd know.

So then the guests, the guests, um, then assemble around a table and they're like, they're having like a faux argument. It's clearly like, they've just got on the boat and they're trying to be funny.

Like, oh, we're going to be the hilarious guest they ask back over and over again. So we're gonna say a lot of funny, stupid things. It's just really annoying. But you know,

it's again, really bad because then Amy's like, Ooh, she's like, Ooh, it feels sort of like amateur hour out there. Ooh, that's bad.

That is bad. She's like, you know, that right there is the kind of man you just want to fix. Don't you? Come over here, honey. I liked it honey i liked it i liked it at one oh sorry no no go ahead go ahead i want to hear yours no my next no i don't remember

like how far along this was but at one point everyone was like doing something down on the deck everyone was like having fun and then you just see amy on like a balcony area and she's like i wish i had some water balloons that would be kind of fun right. And she's like, I wish I had some water balloons. That would be kind of fun right here. And she's like alone. Yeah. It's like, who are you going to play with? I had made some water balloons for this moment,

but they, I came back and they had emptied themselves. So anyone want to play water balloons? Octopus. You want to throw a water balloon around anyone? Anyone let's play. What am I thinking? Anybody, anybody. Anyone? Anyone? Let's play. What am I thinking? Anybody?

Anybody? Barnacle? These guests were basically a young Al Bundy and an old turtle from Entourage. Yeah. These two fucking guys who were basically hanging out at the South Street Seaport, whatever. And one of them just like,

what does he do? Like, wins the lottery? I don't know. Yeah, he's a self-made millionaire. Yeah, he's a self, ah, scary self-made. He's made a ton of money, and he's basically gone into a bar and been like, hey, it's happy hour. Who wants to go on a cruise on the Braves?

And they're like, ah, we do. And so he brings these random people from the fucking, I don't know, waiting area out front of the Chili's. Yeah. From the Webber Grill restaurant down there in Chicago. And what's funny to me is that, you know, Vito pulls aside Ben. He's like, he's like, all right. He's like, I want to have an amazing steak dinner.

OK. He's like, I want to have, you know, and I'm doing a terrible Chicago accent. I realize I'm actually doing a New Yorker, but it doesn't matter. But he's like, I want a steak dinner and I want like a twice-baked potato and I want you to blow my mind. I'm like, why did you come all the way down from Chicago, the land of steak and twice-baked potato? Why did you come all the way to the Caribbean just to get the same thing? Like, why would you do that? You know, it's like me being like, I'm going to fly to turkey and demand that they make me an amazing taco yeah or when you make a few thousand dollars and you're like i'm gonna get new uh seat covers in

my 10 year old car it's like no go get a car yeah you're on a yacht save it i mean i understand wanting a steak that's fine i don't know but, darling. I mean, I understand wanting a steak. That's fine. I don't know, but it just seemed like he wanted a real, truly a steak and potato dinner. I'm like, why don't you try it for something else? Al Bundy makes no sense without a peg. And you are never going to find a peg when your best friend is Turtle. Yeah. Because Turtle just roots him on.

He's not helping him. He's like Barney Rubble. He does not help. He's never like, Fred, here's a good idea, Fred. Maybe this will solve everything, Fred, if you just do this. He's always like, go ahead, Fred, great idea. I'm with you. Like, no matter what it is, you know?

And shit always ends up terrible. And meanwhile, Turtle's like, yeah, you guys know how to make an awesome blossom? Oh, dude, we're going to pig out tonight. Yeah. So then afterwards, so Ben and Kate are, like, sitting at a table. And Ben is kind of standing up for Rocky a little bit. He's like, well, she looked miserable. She was, like, miserable and dragging around.

And Kate's like, she does that all the time. It's like, do not enter my arena about this. I don't talk to you about Kale. You don't talk to me about Rocky. She's like, next topic. And then she just goes, Ben's like, well, maybe you like look uh maybe you can give her i had a talk with her out of the out of the deck you know and after i called her a stupid idiot and told her that you know her mother should have thought twice before she let her loose onto the world then i thought what

a nice girl and i hope you can do the same kate kate's like did she tell you how we did all her work how we earned her the same, Kate. Kate's like, did she tell you how we did all her work? How we earned her $13,000? Did she tell you about that? Did she tell you how she does nothing but cry and jump around off the boat and mermaid tails? Did she tell you that? No, I don't think she did. Because you know why? Because she's an idiot. That's why. So you're just gonna be a fucking bitch, Kate? That's what you

gotta do? That's your answer? I don't think caring about my job is being a fucking bitch, actually. I love when she got pissed. I love when she goes, well, actually, it's part of my job. And so I don't think that doing my job is being a bitch. I think it's just me trying to make sure that all the work is being done properly. And when it's not being done properly, I think it's annoying.

So, yes. Okay, why don't you yell at the Swiffer for getting dust balls all over it? Okay. Are you going to yell at the Swiffer or are you going to say, you know, fuck those dust balls and thank you, Swiffer, for doing something about them? Are you? Oh, and also, guess what? The Swiffer just handed those dust balls $13,000 on their way into the bin. So, not feeling so bad for the dust balls right now, are you?

Oh, Kate. We love you, Kate. There's a possibility to stick your penis in one of those dust balls one day. It's important to not leave with hard feelings. Makes it hard enough.

Fuck them later. You know what I'm saying, Kate? She's like, no. No, I don't. All I'm saying is that she's an innovator in the genre of grenadine and oysters, and I think that you should be nicer to her because someday she'll be on Top Chef. That's all, Kate. Kate, I'm not calling that she's an innovator in the genre of grenadine and oysters, and I think that you should be nicer to her, because someday she'll be on

Top Chef. That's all, Kate. Kate, I'm not calling you a bitch. I'm just saying, some girls, you can just tell they like anal. Alright, say sorry, Kate. Do it for me, darling. I don't think she likes anal. I think she just doesn't like doing her job. Well, I wish she would be anal.

I'll tell you that much. She could use a little anal. Why don't you check your ramekins? Enjoy all that soap residue. So then Eddie is FaceTiming with his girlfriend. And now it's... So this also really annoyed me. Oh, God.

Confession time. Sorry. His girlfriend's real. So this is really annoyed me. Oh, God. Confession time. Sorry. His girlfriend's real. So this is what I didn't like about it. So the girlfriend's like, has Rocky had any more freakouts? And I'm like, you know what I don't like about this? Of course Rocky's had freakouts. But the implication is that like he's been talking to the girlfriend about Rocky and be like, oh, my God.

She's so crazy. She's such a crazy thing. Like I can't believe I slept with her. She's so crazy. And she is almost like the way she said it. And maybe I'm being crazy here. But there was that vibe of like, I am with you on this, Eddie. She is crazy.

And you could tell she's totally the type that, like, blames Rocky and doesn't blame Eddie for the situation. Oh, you think that he told her? I don't think he told her. Oh, no, he did. It was a few episodes ago. He did? A few episodes ago, he was like, yeah, baby, I messed up too.

Didn't he? Oh, I don't think so. I could be wrong. I don't remember that. I could be wrong. I don't remember yesterday. But either way, I could be wrong. I could have misinterpreted something.

I don't think he did, because he's still full out lying and being like, well, she came on to me even though we've seen them text. And he's like, whatever. She's being – he's obviously lying. Like I don't know if he doesn't know that the cameras were on or they won't show it. I don't know what he's thinking. But he's gotten huge lies, and I would assume that he wouldn't have told her. I mean a couple that loves to fight, they would still be fighting.

She wouldn't have let it go this fast yeah i'm at yeah he's just complained that she's crazy and she's saying oh is this crazy bitch still being dramatic because she follows me on instagram uh did you hear me she follows me on instagram he's like oh he's like i'm gonna rest my uh i'm gonna rest my chin on my double chin on my chest and i'm'm just going to sit here and I'm going to stare down at my knees for a minute. Are you still there? Well, I could. Okay. So if my theory were to be true, if she did know about it, I could see her being over it quickly.

And the reason why is that fucked up mentality of, yeah, she tried to take him, but he came back to me. Instead of cheating, it's like, I still win. It's like a weird compliment to her that she won out over the seductress. There's some people who have this fucked up mentality. Of course, I know I'm reading into everything,

but that's what we do. We're podcasters. She follows me on Instagram, so I had to follow her back. And I'm winning. Yeah, that's what she did. She's already posted two pictures of Instagram trying to look... What did she say? She's trying to look mysterious or something and looks crazy.

She's got two selfies already today. I want to look on her Instagram. I'm sure she has five selfies. She's like, she can't even get up to five selfies. No, but the thing is that... I'm sorry. What Rocky is doing is totally crazy. has five selfies. She's like, she can't even get up to five selfies. No, but the thing is that, like, you can't... I'm sorry. What Rocky is doing is totally crazy.

Very, very crazy. Glenn Closey. But you followed her back, bitch. So... What do you think you're doing? Well, yeah, it's like the bitchy follow. Don't you do that? Oh, my God. I follow tons of people I hate. Well, I usually don't do a bitchy follow,

but what happens is there comes a time when I stop liking their Instagram, but I wait for them to unfollow me before I unfollow them. So I have the moral high ground. Oh, I try not to unfollow because people have those apps now that are like, Ronnie has unfollowed you. That's why I'm saying. That's why I wait for them to unfollow me. People get so upset. I was cleaning out my Twitter that's how i found this out i was cleaning it

up i'm like i don't want to be reading tweets from kirsty alley's fucking personal assistant from seven years ago what is this and uh i cleaned them out and people were like what have i done to you i thought we were friends that we're real friends real twitter friends i mean some sometimes i mean if you get unfollowed some if it's if i get unfollowed by someone who i am like actually friends with it's it does sting a little bit but i just didn't know back then yeah i do never do it you'll hurt someone's feelings and they'll stalk you yeah be like rocky rocky on your ass why did you unfollow me all right so where are we in this crazy show okay

so now ben is making dinner oh so after all my steak and potato rants his steak and potatoes looked so fucking good oh my god those twice baked potatoes i was like give it to me now um and then uh he's saying they're really that they called them double baked is that the fancy way to say it they're like do you know what a double baked potato is and he's like yeah i think say it's what they call a uh twice baked in uh most places yeah that's right yeah so uh it was funny because he ben's like you know one of the joys of cooking on a yacht is you're allowed to be creative and do whatever you want and really push yourself. And you can tell Leon somewhere was like,

what are you talking about? Bring on the beef cheeks. For example, it looks like I'm making a steak right now, but I'm actually sprinkling a turbo on top. It's crazy. So then at dinner, Vito is wasted.

The girls, he keeps on calling Kate Amy which is a surefire way to get a rocket ship towel on your bed real quickly and also he's such an asshole

and all the girls it was funny because the girls are just sitting there they don't want the steak they have like three bites of course you look at all these

beautiful steaks going uneaten which was killing me because I was so hungry when I was eating it. And I'm so hungry now as we talk about it. They hate Vito. They hate Vito so much that when Captain Lee comes by, they're like, oh, my God, will you come to dinner tomorrow?

Please come to dinner. Please, please. Oh, God. Well, Vito is the worst. He was like a meal. You know, he was like the Jersey a meal or whatever. He's like, hey, girls, you ever heard the one about the slut in the bar yep guy bought a boat for him and they ended up coming it's like whoa buddy bad jokes bad jokes

yeah he's awful those girls so gross and was like trying to bone the girls and they were like whoa we just met in the applebee's uh waiting area there's no way we're fucking you right now on he's like hey girls you want to come up to my room and whatever happens up there. Gross. They're like, no. One thing that happens after this

dinner, after they're all grossed out and they leave all their beautiful leftover food and they all escape ugly Vito and his awfulness. Emile had suggested to Rocky, I think it was Emile, like, hey, with this stuff with Eddie, you should talk to him.

Just clear the air, talk to him. So Rocky is like, hey, can I talk to you? And Eddie's like, I don't want to talk or there's nothing to talk about or what's there to talk? He basically is like, no. Which is also, again, really dick. But of course, it sends Rocky into another crying fit.

And there she is like on the couch with the guests that are downstairs who come up at any moment. Mascara everywhere. I mean, she's just such a terrible crier. And she's like, I'm tired. I'm like tired. I'm tired. I'm just, I'm tired.

I can't take you. No one understands me. And he's like, okay, we can talk if you clean something at the same time. She's like, no, you don't understand my feelings. I'm like, all right then. I'm not going to talk. No. All right.

Well, all right. This isn't going to stay dirty. I'll tell you that much. The best way to prove to people that you're not crazy is to have mascara streaming down all sides of your face with tears and big frizzy hair. The most popular comment of the people that were just commenting over and over on this on Facebook were, Bitch, at the sea, you're jumping in the water all the time, and you don't have waterproof mascara. Get out of here. She's purposely wearing.

She's like, I've got watercolors on my eyes, so you guys can really see how hard I'm crying. She's like, I don't know. Maybe I'm born with it. Maybe it's me, Evelyn. Maybe it's crazy. Eddie told me I was easy, and I was hoping he would say I was breezy, beautiful, and a cover girl, too. He's like, I never said that.

She was the one who was coming on to me. Yeah, bestie. So then the next day, Emil apologized to Connie, which, for some reason, as offensive as what it was Emil said, when he apologizes, he's done it like once or twice before, he's actually so adorable when he apologizes.

He's like a little kid who stands up straight and sort of has a little script in his head. He goes, I just want to say I'm really sorry about what I said. It was totally inappropriate, and I think you're a wonderful person. I should never have called you a whore, and I really, really, really apologize. I will take whatever punishment you give me, mother. And you're like, aw, Mille. Aw, Mille punishment you give me, mother. And you're like, aw, Neil. Aw, Neil.

Nah, get out there. It's all right now. Try and keep that whole calling people whores thing inside next time. It's like some weird disorder where he screams really misogynistic things. That's the weirdest disorder I've ever seen. But he's done it multiple times where he's just like, Yep, you pussy, you dumb whore. It's like, whoa, whoa, dirty ring man.

And then Captain Lee and Eddie were there after Emile leaves. They're like, what was that all about? And Connie's like, oh, yeah, he called me a whore. And then Eddie's like, really? I'm like, shut up, Eddie. You've done things that are way more misogynistic,istic. He didn't treat her like a whore at least. My God. At least he didn't stick his wiener in there and then even

refuse to leave a 20 on the washing machine. I mean, find some manners. Then there was another editing funny moment because Vito wakes up for breakfast and he's hungover and then he sort of pulls himself away and heads into the bathroom to throw up and they cut immediately to Ben pouring this vat of green sludge into a pitcher.

It was perfect. And the ladies, they're all wearing, like, turtlenecks and fucking mom jeans. Like, everything's covered. They're wearing, like, burkas. For breakfast we're having, please don't touch us stay over there i feel bad last night it's like he's gonna apologize but he just means he's gonna throw up all right then go lay down lock the door take all the time you need bye say hi to the canned tomatoes for me i I miss them. So, let's see.

Rocky's still crying in bed. And then, meanwhile. He literally goes into bed. This whole episode has been Rocky crying at different times. At various occasions. While everyone else is working full time. She's in bed. Literally in bed going.

I don't want to be here. It is like a little toddler. Just crying everywhere, like a little brat. So she's crying. And then meanwhile, Emil is up on the deck. Emil has his perfect storm moment. He's looking at a monitor. He sees a boat bobbing around. He's like, it's hitting right into the jaws of the monster.

So he runs out. He's like, got to fix the the jaws of the monster so he like runs out he's like gotta fix the fender gotta fix the fender and he goes to like do something and he puts a foot on the boat and one foot on the deck and it opens up and he falls into the water this was like the shot that they've been teasing all season long like oh my god little girl falls into well it's just emil falling over and they don't even tease it in the episode they don't even say coming up emil falls over it was just like oh he fell over this is it it just happened and then it starts breathing in gravity when um they like they're hit by all that space junk and they're just floating and they're gonna die and you just hear like they had that sound moment for some reason you just hear him

going like go back up on the boat. Okay, go out on the boat. It's like, whoa, they should make a movie out of this. Yeah. He literally just like drops in, then he gets out. And then he's like, he blames it on being distracted by the love triangle. I'm like, what? You were not. He did not fall in the ocean because he was distracted by a rocking head.

You fell in the ocean because it was choppy. He's so dumb. He goes, i don't want to come in between the love triangle how do you come in between a triangle either you're a corner on the triangle or you're not dude it's a triangle okay there's three sides it's not like i'm talking anything deep here come on emile i'm trying to be on your side talk words darling it's a love rhombus now so listen i I'm not going to be a protractor. I'm going to be a stick-my-penis impactor.

You know what I'm saying? No, Emil, no one knows. All right? All I know is that you left sperm on the side of that boat that almost crushed you to death. Oh, yeah, it was hot, wasn't it? Oh, they want me. That boat wanted me.

I can't take it. Ben and Kate are having a love triangle. Rocky and Eddie have a love triangle. That bit wanted me. I can't take it. Ben and Kate are having a love triangle. Rocky and Eddie have a love triangle. They could come together. It could be one big Jewish star of love. So, then, big news. Ben fucked up breakfast. The eggs were cold and the sausage was, like, totally overcooked.

I hate breakfast. All all right breakfast is the hardest to be basically you're making eggs different time you're just someone's slave at that point all right darling you're a slave all the time but eggs are the worst uh my mom ran a restaurant growing up and man that breakfast time cilantro's an il peso that's right raise your hands um she had to do the egg line with the cooks and train everybody and they trained her ass because eggs are hard man there's like six different ways and they they cost like five cents you know no one spends any money and you slave away all day eggs and chicken they're like oh it's just seems so pedestrian they're the hardest chicken is the hardest. I made some chicken the other day.

It's still raw on the inside. I have to cook it again. I've cooked it now three times and still not cooked all the way through. What did you say? You rocked it. I did rock you. And as for eggs, I've actually perfected scrambled eggs. I'm very happy about that.

But this morning, I woke up and I was like, I can't have scrambled eggs again. And there's like, I'm sick of making eggs. I want something else. So I went to McDonald's. I got a McGriddle, which admittedly has eggs. I've got syrup. I found syrup at Ralph's because syrup at Whole Foods is $13. And I was like, whoa, is there a syrup shortage in the world?

What's going on? So when I saw some cheap, I didn't even need it, but I bought it. And I'm like, what can I put syrup on? That's the question of the day oh i hope you did it secretly or surreptitiously so speaking of uh we have an interlude which is um before we find out how the breakfast gets resolved yeah amy amy can't say things right she she calls ramen noodles Rayman noodles. She's like, what's that thing with the furniture, Shen Swing?

Prepare your seatbelts. I live one of those kitchen cats and their kitchen counters. Oh, yeah! I like being real efficient. It's like that expression when you're shooting two things with one gun.

Ding dong, the witch is here. Let's say hi to the witch. No, the witch is dead. Who killed the witch? She's a person too, y'all. Hey, that's like throwing good money after good money. Waste not want

more, you know what i'm saying that's the way the cookie gets baked you got time to clean you got time to hug me time flies when time is passing right am i right bye fel? Bye, Felicia. Come back again, you hear? Hi, Felicia. Welcome, Felicia. Don't come for me unless I come for me Unless I come for

Me too Then we can all come We can all have a party When you wish upon a starfish You know what I'm saying Starfish So so good Keep your feet on the ground

And keep reaching for the starfish and the touch tank work while you whistle that way you're not just whistling and not doing anything only crazy people do that oh I can't think of any more expression

I know I'm trying to find where we are in notes I'm like Amy please and it's like a balloon letting out air so I'm like amy please and it's like a balloon letting out air so amy get it okay amy missing words fire happy ha ha ha breakfast sucks amy my mother my mother says fix everything people may not like breakfast and they may not like each other but i'm gonna tell them what i used to tell my mama my mom just fix everything mama cheers honey hugs hi prom hi prom so so uh the guests send back everything the one girl is like yeah i can take cold food but

that's sausage bro that's sausage bro the sausage bro it's disgusting oh you weren't liking you weren't liking his style of of culinary expertism he's like no it's disgusting i wanted to buff it up i'd rather eat my own arm i'll put i'll put that on the comment card for you because my handwriting's real good and it'll make you look better okay be back and then meanwhile so rocky is crying rocky the sausage links don't understand my pain so she's crying so emil i don't know i forget what happened here but emil basically says to us, Rocky's my friend, and my friends get my protection. Did I say protection? I meant my splooge.

Rocky gets my splooge. My friends get my protection. Unfortunately, the ceiling in my cubby doesn't. Covered in future possible could have been puppies. So Rocky is doing her thing where she's like, I just need to get to the water. I need to get to the water. That'll fix everything. I need to get to the water.

Yeah, like, what does water do? It fixes me. It calls me Tom. It makes me happy. It drowns you, Tony. Swim far. Swim far, Flipper. Swim far.

So, they're doing a a beach one of these beach parties so they bring all the the tables and the chairs and all the food and the drinks out to the beach

and everyone's there and Rocky's like Rocky's like well I need to get the water and so she says everyone thinks I'm a horrible unprofessional person

so I might as well put on my mermaid tail and go improve our tip like what what part of putting on mermaid tail and go improve our tip like what what part of putting on mermaid tail matches being professional because that's the only thing she's ever done the whole season that everyone was like good job rocky yeah she came out in her mermaid tail and made those people happy but they had specifically it was a joke because they had specifically

asked to go on some kind of expedition to see fish or yeah it made sense and they couldn't see it so they were like oh you be a mermaid that'll be cute but this there was no joke there was just you know women being imprisoned by young al bundy and barney rubble on some beach that they couldn't get off of and then rocky comes up and they're like oh god that that weird girl's been crying all day swimming over here like oh god what's she doing and then she just she's just like flopping around in the surf and like some of the staff comes over to her and like are you gonna do anything do you need anything and she's like, rolling around. I'm mad on my face.

Yeah. Right. Yes. Right. Everyone's looking at her like, no. And my favorite is so Eddie is with Kate. And he's like, what the fuck is she doing? And Kate goes, nothing ever.

I like at this point, they're not even like, oh, my god, we can't believe she's doing this. She's making a fool of herself. They're just like, anyway, who wants a margarita? And the thing is, Rocky never even takes the hint. I mean, that just kept going on and everybody's looking at her and they're like, okay, well, thanks for swinging by, Rocky. We'll be cleaning up uh as is our job and they start cleaning and she's like rolling in the bottom waves on my face right guys it's just like parents with like an over theatrical child that they've just grown used to and they know that they're at

this they've gone to the supermarket and the kid is like flying down the aisle singing show tunes like, oh, let's just wait. Let's just let's get college will come soon enough. Yeah. It's like a version of that in living color. Stuart character. Look what I can do. Hey, look what I can do. Look what I can do.

And then he's like sticks out his stomach. He's like, look, wow. Dead faced. Or it's like, oh, you're so talented ken yeah that's what i could do or it's like uh harisha sands and uh amy poehler on snl rick rick rick rick rick and she goes running circles around him for the entire skit going rick rick rick he's like yes oh rocky how we can compare rocky to any old idiot on tv we're tv yes it's also like and it never ends she's the only one who can be compared to rick rick rick and glenn close and fatal attractions like that and daryl hannah

it's like that gerald it's like that jerry lewis movie where jerry lewis gets hit in the face of the pan you know yeah just put her in anything it'll work i feel like she's like king julius from that from that cartoon right what's it called madagascar like oh rocky but so then at the end so she gets into the into the bathroom with amy rocky does the thing that she should have done all along which is that she should have utilized her greatest tool gossip girl talk so talk. So she goes, finds Amy, and she's like, nah, Eddie and I kind of had a thing this entire time. And Amy's like, what?

I heard this thing. She got Amy in a towel, like, in the most vulnerable place ever. It's like, hey, are you done? Get out of here. Be naked on camera. Okay. And he's like, someone wants to film with me?

Okay, I'll do it. I'm me? Okay, I'll do it. I'm in a tail. I'll do it. I wear the shower curtain if they bite me. It does look cute, does it? Do I look cute? Would you date me in the shower curtain? Do I look like Mrs. Roper? Alright, let's do it again. Go back out and then come back in. Excuse me, shower drain. I gotta do a real scene now.

I'm sorry, but I was just talking to my friend the sprinkles on my body so uh amy yeah she comes to tell amy this news after this uh rocky version of girl power which is like totally no power ever and probably never gonna have any kind of power ever she's like yeah i'm the kind of girl that, like, when something's going on like that with Eddie, like, I have to, like, say something. Like, I have to get to the bottom of it. And I'm like, good for her. She's going to go have an intelligent conversation about this.

No. She meant she's going to go tell everybody. So funny. She's like, yeah, so we were doing it the whole time. Really well. Another man who cheated on his girlfriend but not with me i keep hearing this story but it's always with a different spelling did you hear about rocky hermit crab she got with eddie wow amy that is terrible that it didn't happen with me i didn't want to hug eddie for years

rocky has really managed to get every piece of dick that has like even the ones that she discards and doesn't want she's always like hey you're mine i bookmarked you like yeah i feel bad for kate because i feel like kate's gonna be stuck with rocky for another season but you don't think so you don't think that she's gonna bravo's gonna stick the two of them together um remember they brought back cat i don't think so only because rocky literally won't work and on that show you have to work i mean they really work on that on that show, you have to work. I mean, they really work on that show. That was the biggest shock to me.

If she's going to really not work all day ever. I mean, we've only seen her do the laundry when she was in a manic phase for two weeks. And otherwise, she's just like crumbling Oreos onto things and putting Grenadine and Dawn onto oysters. Once she stopped workshopping her laundry musical, that was it for that. Then it was on to the next project.

She never learned how to remote. Never. Next week, Rocky has another breakdown. Well, it's been a good season and I'm looking forward to the season finale. And it's been a fun episode of

Watcher Crappens. Oh it sure has oh my goodness ladies of London and this. I'm really gonna miss ladies of London. What are we gonna talk about next week in this time slot? Apreski well actually I mean we have Apreski

well actually next week yes we have Apreski. Well, actually, next week. Yes, we have Apreski. Cold, gold, Timmy. You know. But listen, in just a few scant weeks, we have Workout New York finally arriving. We had a fake out. Yeah.

And then we also have Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And then about a month after that when does that one start i don't know but uh if cheshire starts this week let's do that instead of operaski i don't know when cheshire starts but um and then in january is when potomac starts so lots lots on the horizon everyone we may have a god it's gonna be beverly hills atlantic and the new housewives all at the same time plus cheshire that's gonna be beverly hills atlantic and the new housewives all at the same time plus chester that's gonna be four and vanderpump rules oh man and i'm sure top chef is coming back very shortly so uh we have a lot we have a lot that's that's going on

and um but for right now we have uh some apres ski stuff to deal with. So everyone come, everyone hate watch apres ski with us. We'll have fun. Yeah. So everybody, thank you so much for listening. Our quickies are, please go to patreon.com slash watch what crappens to subscribe to bonuses.

This week's was so fun. And thank you to everybody who does that. Come on to watch what crappens on Facebook, facebook.com slash watch what crappens, and just come to watch what crappens.com to find all the links. Thank you guys for everything that you do for us. Yeah, it's been a super fun week. All right, bye everyone. Love ya.

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