Watch What Crappens - #2381 The Valley, Part 2: Capri Stunned

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

*This is part 2The Valley (S01E03) launches us into drama from the first second and doesn’t let up until the credits. It’s a wild dinner party episode with allegations of homophobia, racism, and Republicanism! Yikes!  Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi everyone! Welcome back! This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're wondering where part one was, we'll go check in the feed and be sure to subscribe. Let's get right back into the episode. Jesse's like, yeah, I mean there's a disconnect, you know, cause I did this no drinking fasting thing for five days and I don't know, I lost like 12 pounds and that's the first time she's given me a compliment and like, I don't know.

Okay, so he's trying to make it sound like, oh, so I lost a little weight, so she was suddenly nice to me. No, you weren't fucking wasted all day. Dude. Like, don't you think that might have something to do with her giving you a compliment as well? Like, and then she's like,

well, I could say the same thing about you, because not only do you not give me a compliment ever in your life, if I ask you, like, well, I could say the same thing about you. Cause not only do you not give me a compliment ever in your life, if I ask you like, do I look nice? Like I got a new dress or on my hair or whatever. And it's time to go out. You're like, Hmm, you're fine. And like if I'm going to like, I'd like that he's trying to act like he is the victim in this, that he doesn't get enough positive feedback when like everything we've seen

from this guy is that he is the biggest dick on this show. Like I am, I just, I'm sorry, I don't believe it. I'm not going to, I do not believe him as a victim in this marriage. Yeah, of course. Yeah. He's, he's a, he's gross. So then, um, there, the guy's like, so when was the last time you were sexually attracted? She's like, ew. And he's like, Oh God, it's been like three years and nine months before she's felt any attraction. Right. And she's like, it's been a while. So then Jesse's like, yeah, what even is sex? Oh yeah. I guess I saw porn hub the other day,

which I'm so jealous because Texas has gotten rid of that. So that's so wild that Texas has banned porn hub. That is so wild. So is so wild. What's so crazy about it? They didn't ban Pornhub. They just made all these laws that all the porn sites are shutting down or shutting down for Texas

because they're trying to get your information in order to sign onto these sites or something. It's like a privacy violation. Like it's a, yeah, it's a right to privacy violation. So all these porn sites are shutting down. But what's so wild about it is you guys don't want people to have reproductive rights. It's like, you don't want people fucking,

but you also don't want them masturbating. Do you just want all of our heads popping off? Look, what exactly do you want us to do? Do you just want us all waking up with fucking stained sheets? I mean, what is the goal? I just don't understand. I think at this point, all the porn's on Twitter. I think that's just where it is. So, um,

Oh, but it's so short. I just, I need a storyline. I can't just have some penis, you know, I'm sorry, this is disgusting. No one, no one signed up for this conversation, but you know, it's like Twitter porn is just so short form. I don't just need a penis. I need like, you know, I'm here to fix your, you know, your water, your water's out. Or I know I love, I love the narrative in porn. I, I'm, you know, all the, all the porn that's on Twitter is very much like, here's someone just like wagging their dick around on only fans. I don't like that.

I'd like the plumber comes in the whole thing. That's always so fun for me. I don't need just the like, it's a guy sitting on a traffic cone. I need to know why he's on the traffic cone. Was he trying to, was he trying to get somewhere and there were road workers in the way? And then he was really frustrated and they talked him down by sitting them on a traffic cone. I mean, that's hot, you know, but just, can't just, I need a store. Look at my dog.

He's like, Oh Jesus Christ. Okay. So I'm calling a meeting to session. He is. He's like, we need to get back on track here. Chairman Bueller. Bueller is our CEO, by the way. I don't know if anyone realizes this, but Bueller's our boss.

Bueller's like, what are you two doing? You represent a company. Um, he doesn't know a lot of English explains why we still have a job. Both of us. So Jesse back to this, this therapy session, Jesse's like, okay, let's say I only see the positives and I say, Oh, you look beautiful today. Oh, I love that dress on you. Oh, this, oh, that is there a point where like, okay, I've been a great guy now for two months and you're still not treating me well. And Scott's like, but you know what though,

your attachment to the result, it's going to cause you to fail. Sort of like what you're trying to do with your hair right now. Like stop going to sleep with your headband. So this guy looks perplexed. He's like, what? And Michelle goes, yeah, cause it's not genuine.

And Scott says, yeah, you're supposed to do it because you want to do it. And he's like, I don't understand what you're saying. I'm supposed to want to be nice to my wife, what? Yeah, it's like, that's disgusting. And he's like, yeah, if you're just trying to get something out of her, she's gonna sniff that out. You know, and Jesse's just looking at him like,

okay, you get paid for this. You get paid for this. You fucking woman sympathizer. You literally make a living from this. And then Scott goes, it's showing up kind. It's warmth towards her. So she starts to cry and Jesse's like, why are you crying? Like, see, that's not warmth. You're not listening. So now we go to Jason and Janet's and she's like, I'm like pregnant so like I want McDonald's.

And he's like, but babe, we've got a full fridge. Okay, there's a divorce. I told you this guy was evil. This guy pretends he's so fucking nice. This is the kind of things he says, but the fridge is full. I would divorce anybody who said that at any time. Yeah, I really like Janet a lot. I feel like I could hang with Janet.

Like, I feel like I could just, like, talk shit with her. She just, I really, I thought I was gonna hate her. I thought she was gonna be the worst of them all, but she's the one I like the most so far. Mm. No? I don't know. I don't, I don't, you know what's so weird? I don't really dislike anybody on the show yet.

You probably couldn't tell from the way I'm, from the way I talk about it. I mean just don't know like I mean Jack's obviously but Jesse I mean I I don't think he's great, but I think I'm just so excited to have a good show on TV that right now I like them all you just gotta embrace them all But I well you can still embrace them all and have a favorite. And so I think right now Janet is my favorite, but I think partly, it may be influenced by the fact that she wants to get McDonald's and I've been craving McDonald's for like a week, but I've been trying to eat healthy. Cause my inner Jason has been telling me to eat healthy and my inner Janet's

been telling me to go to McDonald's and I, I'm like, I'm listening to Jason right now. Wow. Jason's such an asshole. Listen, I wish I was around Jason right now so I could explain to him. Do you know why the refrigerator is full, Jason? Because it's full of shit I don't want to eat. Now go to fucking McDonald's. I'm giving this baby up.

I've been eating lentils. So although I did have a lot of pasta last night, I'm not gonna lie. So anyway, Jason is, they're talking about the baby coming and everything. And like the baby's going to sleep. He's like, the baby's gonna sleep next to us for like the first six months in a bassinet. And she goes, well, I hope so. Otherwise the baby's not, the baby's going to be like sleeping. And he goes like, what do you mean?

I hope so. Like, what are you going to say? Like, no, no, the baby being in the bassinet? And she's like, um, well, like, I don't want it sleeping right on top of us. Get me some fucking McDonald's, basically. So they're talking about how they get to, gotta get the nursery done. And then the McDonald's is delivered.

And I think that's why you like them, because I think you like the privilege of Uber Eats delivering McDonald's. Something about her McDonald's. That's your porn right there. It is. Simple things being delivered. Simple, I was like, yeah.

Like I literally, you know what? Like yesterday, like at 6 p.m., I was like, you know what I need? I needed some more of those cube chargers. Okay, I'm gonna throw it onto my Amazon order. I went out to game night. I came back at 1am. They were there on my doorstep already. I was like, God, I love when a simple thing gets delivered way at a time. I love simple things being delivered.

Also, I'm trying to split up the delivery just so I can get things more often. I do that with McDonald's. Like what'll happen is on Monday, I'll get the bun. And then on Tuesday, I'll get the patty. And then on Thursday, I'll get with McDonald's. Like what'll happen is on Monday I'll get the bun and then on Tuesday I'll get the patty and then on Thursday I'll get the other bun and by Friday I can eat most of it. God, we just love our capitalism, don't we? I love that we're reveling in this on the Republican episode of this episode of this series.

God, I just love, what do they call it? Where you're consuming things. I just love consumerism. Reagan always is back. of, what do they call it? Where you're consuming things. I just love consumerism. Mm, delicious. Reagan, all this is back. I have to. Drip down, bitch. Drip down.

Anyway, what are we, I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. McDonald's or McDonald's. It's basic people talking about McDonald's. So then we go to talking about the Kristin of it all. And she's like, I woke up feeling exhausted today because like Kristin, I'm just like, I don't know. I'm confused.

And then today, she posted on her story, she posted, I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect. I love that Kristin posts shit in sentence structure she could never use in a million years. I've never heard Kristin talk like that. I also love Janet getting offended by this meme, not realizing that this is Kristen and like this was actually probably Kristen reacted to her own Uber Eats delivery that didn't show up.

Oh really? Hey Uber Eats, I would rather adjust to my life in your absence than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect. The super was late to fix her sink. A bird has taken it all seriously. So Jason's like, but wait, why do you think she feels disrespected, do you think? Do you think that she feels like, I don't know, your salad makings, your salad fixings in a refrigerator, just waiting to be chopped up and eaten?

Well, the person who bought you is actually ordering fast food Your salad fixings in a refrigerator just waiting to be chopped up and eaten. Wow. The person who bought you is actually ordering fast food on the Internet. I don't know. But like, you know what? You threw me under the bus. You threw Michelle under the bus. Zach under the bus. Jasmine under the bus. We're all under the bus. Why were we all standing in the middle of the road?

That's a different story. But whatever. All in one soup. And I said something small, you know, just a teeny weeny little thing. You know, Michelle's just like Republican and racist. And Chrissy made it so big. She just didn't even, she just like didn't run with it. I mean, she like ran a marathon with it. She ran a marathon, but also drove a bus and drove us over it. She basically had, she was running a marathon inside a bus that drove us over us and we're the spectators to the marathon. Are my metaphors making sense to anyone else? So they were talking about the don't say gay laws

in Florida, right? Right. So apparently Michelle said something like, those laws don't hurt children. Someone said those laws hurt children or something. Yeah, oh no, they protect, wait, what was it? She said that, she said, Janet says that they were talking

because this brain trust was having a discussion about politics. And Michelle said, Oh, don't get don't say gay laws protect children. And Janet was like, no, no, no, you're wrong. So that's where that's where it came from. So then Janice protect children. OK, well, listen, that's enough for me. If you believe in don't say gay laws, you can go fuck yourself. And that's the end of it. Normally, we don't love talking about politics on this show because it's, you just shouldn't. Everybody's from a different political, whatever,

that's fine. But this is a pretty bad one. Don't say gay. Do you know how far that can be taken and used against people who are gay, who happen to have something on their Facebook or who have something on their Twitter or who can have their entire lives ruined because of fucking religious fanatic assholes. So fuck you guys and fuck Michelle for fucking saying that. Fuck her. And I don't know why everybody's going around defending her. Like, how could you say that she said that? If she said it, then fuck her. Then she needs to get rolled out on the mat like everybody else does on this show. Why is Kristen still... Well, I know why Kristen is and she deserves that too, by the way. But we know why Kristen's still getting it on this show and no one's complaining about that. They all feel fine turning it against Kristen at the end of this show. So, make it fair. Ask Michelle if

she said it and why she said it. I would love to know. They should. And so Janet then is basically actually kind of excuse next thing. She's trying to like sort of mollify it saying, well, you know, I never thought that she was racist or homophobic. I just thought she got like swept into an algorithm when she was, you know, looking, researching, stop the steal. And, you know, like, I mean, who likes stealing? Am I right? No one likes stealing. By the way, who gets swept into an algorithm about don't say gay. And then it's like, oh, okay, I'm going to read this. I'm oh, this, this was great. Okay. It's like, that doesn't happen by accident. But either way, Janet still says, listen, I just,

I think she got swept into an algorithm and she maybe got, went, went down a path and she just needed to be like educated and adjusted or whatever. It's like, well, okay. If you do believe that, like if one of my friends, if one of my dear friends did go down a path like that, I don't think if I was concerned about them and I wanted to make sure they were educated, I then wouldn't go like talk to the gossipy people in my group and be like, by the way, did you hear so and so now totally believes in QAnon, you know, because it's like, if you're trying to protect them, if you're trying to go from a place of like, I want to bring them back in. But Janet's like saying they got, she got swept up into an algorithm,

but then she goes and tells everyone, by the way, do you hear about this? So she's kind of playing both sides. She's playing, but she doesn't want to get in trouble for being the one to tell on this girl, but she is still anti this girl because it's obviously a stupid thing to say. It's obviously something she doesn't agree with. You know what I mean?

And as far as having people in your life who don't think the same as you, we all do. And we can all pretend like, oh, everybody I know thinks just like me, and I'm the only people I'll speak to think just like me. I'm from a very conservative Christian family. I hear this shit all day long. And I know that the Fox News brainwashes them. Like some of the shit that comes out of their mouth sometimes is ridiculous. Like the conversations I've had to have over the past few years are brain numbing, honestly. Like They really have people believing that drag queens

are coming in and teaching them the C word and how to do circus sex acts on each other. I mean, it's just fucking crazy the things that they're being told and the things that they're believing, you know what I mean? So I feel like most of us have to have these conversations in our lives and people shouldn't be going around apologizing for people who believe those things. Tell me what you believe and let's have a talk about it. You know what I mean? It's better than just, it's better than the alternative, which is this, everybody hand ringing and like, Oh my God, I can't believe I just called someone. You know what's worse? Ruining gay people's lives over stupid,

fucking ignorant religious laws. That's worse? Ruining gay people's lives over stupid fucking ignorant religious laws. That's worse. And by the way, there's no flat out denials about any of the stuff that was said about Michelle. Actually, to be fair, by the way, to be fair, this is all what Janet is saying that Michelle said. So everything that has been up for debate is whether or not Janet actually said this.

We don't actually know what Michelle's... You mean Michelle? No, but no, we don't actually know what Michelle said. To be fair, we don't know. Like we're just joking. And that's true. Before I go off on Michelle, I guess that is part of it. The point is that like what the whole issue is that Janet said these things and Janet at

first is like, I never said that, but then has now said, well, no, I said this thing. And then Zach is like, I never said that. I mean, I said it, but I never said it like that. So like, it's really about Janet right now. And we haven't gotten to like, did Michelle say these things and believe these things? Right.

Okay, so Jason's like, well, in the future, maybe be cautious with anything that can potentially get to Kristin. She's like, yeah, no shit, Jason. I think I'm saying- Don't say anything on the show. Yeah, so she's like, yeah, there's gonna need to be an apology,

and if she's not receptive, then I'm gonna need a break from her. So now is a Capri party. Michelle and Jesse are getting ready to throw this Italy party in one of their big listing mansions. And everyone's excited to go because it's like a $20 million house.

Janet zealot it. Yeah, so yeah, they're all, this is by the way, way too fancy a house for this show. This is there's no way, there's no reason for these people to be, they, they should be in a bungalow off of Laurel Canyon Boulevard right now. You know, Laurel Canyon and victory Boulevard in the Valley, not in some mansion overlooking the city right now. This is off brand.

So Jesse and Michelle are getting ready and he's like, this is an important night for me, okay? We're doing a Capri theme. And she's like, for you, for us, this is our party. And you're wearing a suit. And he goes, it's important to me because you don't love Capri as much as I do. Oh, sorry.

Sorry, I didn't realize that your love for Capri was like a very important thing. I didn't realize I was your therapist was here to see how you're, how you're defending Capri the way your wife would like you to speak to her one time in your marriage. You were nicer to an Island that doesn't give a shit about you and that you don't fit in with. Then you are to your wife. You only like that Island because it's similar to the kind of pants you're trying to pull off constantly. So he's like, we're about to throw this extremely expensive party

at this beautiful listing that we have. And it's going to be an homage to the island that I have fallen in love with. I call it not Michelle Island. Every year we go to Capri in Italy, in case you don't know where that is, dumbasses. It has Michelin star restaurants, it has the best hotels. And if you wanna go to a place

where all the billionaires have their yachts parked because that's you wanna go there because that's you're gonna sell to, man. Like, okay. Just go to the Buco di Beppo and then see now. I love people, he's like sitting with his, you know, he's doing that like arm on the back of his chair like, let me tell you where you go

if you really wanna meet a billionaire. You're a salesman, you're not a billionaire. You know what I mean? If he was like some billionaire sitting there like, speaking of politics, I'm George Soros, I'm on a yacht, planning to ruin all of the Republicans' lives. That's one thing, but just to be like, wow, I know where billionaire goes, where billionaires go so I can ding dong them

and try and try and sell them some real estate. Okay. Jesse is finally using all the material he's been aching to put on camera for the past 10 years. He's probably probably been auditioning for million dollar listing. He's like, finally I can do my spiel. So, um, uh, by the way, I just there's something about like being a high end realtor. And then being stuck on this show, the Valley that just does not work. Like he's dreams of being on selling a sunset or buying Beverly Hills or million dollar listing, but he's

stuck as like a side character on a show that has like a country fair in Jack's backyard. Yeah. That's rough. That's a rough life. Welcome to the juxtaposition. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

So then we go over to, they're basically just nagging each other. You know, he's like, can we try and enjoy ourselves tonight? She's like, yeah, that's what I'm saying. And he's like, it's not a party. This is sophisticated. She goes, stop saying sophisticated so much. It doesn't make you sound sophisticated.

He's like, but it is sophisticated. She's like, but if it wasn't, you wouldn't have to say it. Okay. I hate you both, honestly. Even though I know that I'm signed up for this show and this, you wouldn't have to say it. Okay, I hate you both, honestly. Even though I know that I'm signed up for this show and this is what I'm gonna be getting. This is like, this is Kyle and Amanda,

this is our new Kyle and Amanda on a different night of the week. I know. So then we go over to Jax and Brittany and Jax is wearing tight pants. He's like, tight pants is what they wear in Italy, right? Like the only Capri I know is Capri Suns. Oh, you're a cool guy. You're a cool guy. Don't you love that Capri Sun made a double appearance tonight? Cause she got one on

Vanderpump Rules too. It's like, I love Capri Sun. Capri Sun is really cleaning up on Bravo. So now we've got for Capri Suns. Yeah. Now we go up on Bravo. So now we go to- Big night for Capri Suns. Yeah, now we go to Danny and Nia's house and Nia's like, honey, that's like not the look. It looks cheap. Like, it doesn't even look like you're from Italy. Huh? And he's like, I love cheap.

I'm so glad you're back home. I was like, yeah, I was falling asleep while I was doing all the things because I was like so tired. And he's like, the kids wouldn't stop screaming. I mean, I had three under two. It was crazy. And she goes, yeah, well, I think while they were screaming, I was having a chocolate martini in the lobby. Don't worry. I was pumping at the same time.

So now we're at the party. And so Jessi and Michelle are taking selfies and Zach and Jasmine and Jasmine's girlfriend Melissa are writing in the party together. And Jasmine's like, um, your outfit actually looks kind of Greek. Like, y'all, I think it's like, I'm an American tourist in Italy. Like I'm ready for food though. Like I'm so hungry today. So then Jasmine talks about her girlfriend and how her girlfriend graduated with her brother. And when she moved to LA, they were like comfort for each other. And then she's just a fluid person, but since we have to have a label,

I guess she's bisexual now. So then everybody arrives at the party and they're mingling and making small talk about linen, et cetera. And Jax is like, I fucking hate dressing up. Not only do I have to dress up, it has to be linen. The fuck. Zach is like, I'm not in linen because I'm not rich to buy a linen suit. And like, um, he didn't care to dress up for the country theme that we had. So whatever. I love, I love that Zach is kind of like the poor one of the group.

He's just like the poor gay hanger on. It was like, I don't, I, this is from H&M. And I say that as someone wearing an H&M shirt right now. I love H&M, but goddamn, it's so uncomfortable. And I don't really love it. You know what? I lost some weight this year, so I was finally able to go to H&M

because I was never able to go in there before. And like literally they would beat me out. They'd be a kid out. No, but I was able to go there and I bought some clothes from there. I have to say, I've been looking in their windows for many years being like, I wanna shop in there. Mm, not comfortable. You guys need to work on your comfort level and also aim your seams

better. The seams aren't correct. Seams are a little, yeah. And also all the pants are so short because I think trendy guys really like short pants still. But you know what they call those short pants. Capri pants! Yeah. That's true.

Whole circle. I love Capri pants, capri pants, capri pants. Yeah. It all comes back to Capri. Whole circle. I love Capri. So then Danny is like, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to perform a double pike 180 sailor dive because he's gonna pretend like he's gonna jump into the pool and they're like, no Danny, this isn't your house Danny, wacky Danny. So.

So now Kristen and Luke are worried about the night and it looks like I'm really hoping for peace, you know? I hope I don't have to go up against Ruben Steadard again. He was really a difficult, it's really, really competition for me. And Kristen's like, oh, Michelle and Josie are hosting this. So I want to make sure that I could just have a quick conversation with Michelle.

I'm sure it's going to be fine. I mean, I'm showing up to their party in Birkenstocks. Who's going to be fine. I mean, I'm showing up to their party in Birkenstocks. Who's going to get mad. So now Zach is at the party. Zach is talking to Janet about Kristen and he's like, Kristen took like nine different conversations and put them all together. And Janet's like, yeah, tonight, I really need her to admit that she fully mixed this up by saying exactly what

we said. That was so wrong of her. mixed this up by saying exactly what we said. That was so wrong of her. So they see her come in, they're like, oh no. And Janet says, great, I'm sure she's gonna come up, like nothing's wrong. And Kristen saying hello to people and asking where Michelle is. And Jessie's like-

By the way, my favorite thing, sorry, my favorite thing is when people do that, when they're like, she's in a walk in, like nothing is wrong. Watch. Because if you walk in like, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, they'd be like, oh my God, what an attitude. She just walked in with an attitude. But then if you walk in, trying to be polite, it's like, Oh, she's acting like nothing happened. It's like, you just can't win in those situations. Yeah. Um, okay. So what happens next?

Jesse goes, you know, I think Michelle has a pretty tough skin, even though she sucks. Sorry, that was my wife I'm talking about, but coming from a first generation, half Persian, half Mexican whose father escaped Iran because of religious persecution to be labeled a racist is just absurd. Call her what she really is, stupid. That's my wife, sorry. That's how I talk sexy to her. So, Kristin asks Michelle to talk, and she's like, maybe later.

So, the group is gonna yell at you, and then we can have a fun. No apologies until you get publicly flogged, okay? So now they go sit at this big long table for their big Italian meal. And Jax is like, thank you, Jesse. Thanks for having us all here. This is about as close to Italy

as you're gonna get, sweetheart, right, Brittany? Ha ha ha, right, Brittany? Hey, Ronnie, could you do the, I have someone at my door. Could you do Brittany interlude,lude, please for a moment? Sure Why just wanted to say something I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America And to the Republic from which it stands nothing is Jackson's fault. They didn't do nothing

from which it stands. Nothing is Jax's fault, he didn't do nothing. So Jax starts eating pasta. Look, I was gonna say Jax starts eating pasta the way that you think Jax would start eating pasta, but I would think that Jax would start just snorting the pasta up, like he's doing a version of Lady and the Tramp with just himself and his nose, but he doesn't.

He's much classier about it. He starts eating spaghetti with his fingers because he's Jax, pretty much. So everyone sits down and they all start to eat and Michelle's like, "'Wow, do you think this is the most civil everybody will ever be in the same spot together?' And Janet's like,

"'I don't think she realizes how seriously mad I am. Brittany's like, Oh, don't worry. I told her about it. So she knows. And Janet's like, I didn't respond to any text messages. Did anybody else respond to text messages? And they're like, no, we didn't either. And, um, I love that they're avoiding, no, we didn't either. And I love that they're avoiding Kristen,

like she's a Republican. It's kind of funny, actually, when you think about it. So Janet's like, it's unbelievable. Kristen can ignore even the most obvious of tensions and scenarios and pretend like nothing is wrong. Hi, sorry about that. Jai, yai, yai, yai, yai, yai. Subtle return, Ben. Subtle return, okay? Geez, kind of landing with that. I just get so excited. You know, sorry about that.

It's okay, yai, yai. So Janet's saying, Yeah, yeah. So Janet saying, yeah, it's just annoying to see everybody flippantly ignoring what Kristen did. What's really happening here? Dun, dun, dun. And then we see Kristen cracking up at something. She's like, oh, that was

hilarious. So Michelle's like, it's one thing to have to like have a conversation with somebody, but it's like another thing to actually listen. And you know what? You don't have to listen to anything that gays say if we get these laws passed because they're not allowed to say anything.

If you don't say gay, then you don't have to listen to the word gay. So really you should be in favor of it if you don't like listening to things. So Kristen's like, Oh, excuse me. Does this feel like inappropriate at a dinner table? And Janet's like, um, I mean, to be honest, I missed the last time we were all together, but a lot happened. Namely that I got some McDonald's. But other than that, I personally would like to know what happened with you guys while I was eating my Big Mac. And so Michelle's like, yeah, I think everybody's involved now. So we could we should speak publicly because I'm tired of she said she said turtle head said. So if we're all at one table, then we can all be on the same page.

And Janet goes, I agree. Kristen decided at Michelle's part at Michelle's to say that I said that Michelle was racist, which I have never thought in my life. Like why would I have to think something that is just like evidence? Right. So let alone I would never even say that out loud. And I don't know where that came from. But I'm also like disgusted by it, Kristen. Well, I love that she's just keeping it racist. You noticed? Because I mean, like,

where's all the homophobic stuff? I like that they're just like, let's just pin on the stuff that we didn't actually say so we don't have to talk about the other stuff in this episode, you know? It feels tailored, okay? Which unlike all of your clothes in this episode, it feels tailored. So by the way, you'd like that I'm suddenly a tailoring snob. I'm an old Navy queen. I don't tailor clothes. Come on, guys. The H&M seems... I have a sewing class. I have my first stretch sewing class after this. I'm going to be learning how to sew sweat like sweatshirts and leggings. So I'm in a sewing state of mind today as well. Well, you cost him Kristin. Okay, so then they start talking about this. So Janet's like, Yeah, you know, Kristin decided that Michelle's to say

that I said that Michelle was racist, which I've never thought in my life. And so Kristin's like, Okay, from Zach, Zach said, who did not come from me, Chris? Hold, which I've never thought in my life. And so Kristen's like, you came from Zach and Zach said, who did not come from me? Chris said, hold on, I'm going to hide behind this tree. Michelle, I did not say that. I'm not Zach. You left your hair at the table. So Zach is like, Kristen held all this information and got all of it like completely mixed up.

And like you want to talk about a shit stew? Like there's there was no recipe. She was just like grabbing numbers out like they were fucking in the powerball. So you need to get your metaphors together. They're all their metaphors do coming out of the powerball machine. Like my brain can't take it. It's too much. She was making shit stew while she was in her bus racing to get her Powerball ticket and ran us all over at the marathon.

So he goes, I think this is still him. Who's this saying? The game of telephone was the Janet to Jasmine to Zach to me and to Luke. So you're telling Jasmine that she should be, I guess this is Kristin, you're telling Jasmine that she should be cautious of Michelle because she's a quote unquote Republican and what Zach insinuated in my house to Luke and I was that that would equal racism or slash and homophobia or whatever. So Jasmine's like, you better take my name out of this because I never had a conversation with this one, Kristin, about anybody at this table ever.

So I'm upset about that. And she says, you know, she's experienced racism. And to have a friend just throw it out lightly like that, it's not fair. It's not fair for Michelle. It's not fair for her and for the whole group. And then Zach is like, I have known Michelle for a while. She is not homophobic.

And I love her to pieces. And I really hate that. Unfortunately, this got said by me to Kristen. Totally him. It is totally him. So Kristen's like, well, I just want to immediately apologize to Michelle because I felt cornered. And I should not have said those things out loud, especially at your home and Just he's like just say that you lied call it a lie and don't call it anything else and she's like I did not lie And so looks like you better calm down mister. And so now the guys are going on it Excuse me, no calm down. Excuse me. Calm down

Yeah, I'm looks like this literal sack of shit that twisted Kristen's nipple now. He's attacking Kristen back of shit that twisted Kristen's nipple, now he's attacking Kristen. He's like, he wasn't there, he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, that's strike two, and those are big strikes. So Jesse- Can we not bring up the three strikes law while we're talking about Republicans, okay?

Like you guys need to decide whether we're gonna talk about politics or whether we're not gonna talk about politics, okay? Michelle's like, I'm allowed to stand my ground. So Jesse's, so Jesse's like, you do not tell me to calm down. Yeah, but you're getting too damn aggressive because I'm going to yell at you for being aggressive. And he was like, you do not tell me and Lucas anyway, shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck

up. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. And Luke's like, if you're gonna talk to me, we can go right now. And Jessie's like, oh, okay. Oh, Kristen, you're a fucking liar. You walk into my house. And she's like, oh, I was just trying to... And Jessie's like, you shut the fuck up, Kristen. So Luke stands up in his chair and he's threatening Jessie. They're very manly. It's very like, pointy. I'm a man. I'm gonna beat you up. I'm a man. I'm gonna throw a ball and catch it. I'm a man, I'm gonna beat you up. I'm a man, I'm gonna throw a ball and catch it. I'm a man, I'm a man.

I go to sleep with a headband on the back of my head. So, just like, set your fucking ass down right now. You fucking lied. Lucas apologized, don't come at her. Then Jack's like, this is not gonna work. Jack's looking the best he's looked in years with these two idiots. Yeah, so then, now where does this go? So,

Jax is like, I don't think this is working. Jax Yeah. Pete Slauson Michelle says, well, she's not saying the truth. And Jesse says, well, she's not saying anything. She's dancing around it. And he goes, but how do you know, guys? How do you know she's not telling the truth? And Michelle's like, because they're the ones saying, they're saying it. Michelle I feel like Kristen was like trying to apologize, but like no one was listening to her and she couldn't do anything right. And it's unfortunate to see.

So I feel like her making an effort and like when nothing was productive was going to come through it. So Jenna's like, well, it's changed everything. Like I don't like it. I don't trust the word that comes out of your mouth. But I didn't make it up. It came from Zach. It came from Zach. So then Kristen turns into this victim. Then this turns into the Kristen victim monologue where she's like, I mean, let's

be honest, given my past, I'm a pretty easy target. And then we see a clip of Kristen just going crazy over the years and, oh no. Well, her falling over. I'm sorry. I thought this, I thought this was her, her faith moment, but this isn't her faith. No, no, not that she's talking about. This is just her, her, just her non problematic, um, wild behavior. So could you Diana? Yeah, this is the, this is the good old fashioned problematic. So, um,

she's saying, you know, I guess I'm just so honest. You know, this is like classic Christian by the way, like everyone's just mad at me because I'm just at heart, I'm the most honest person here. I just love honesty so much. You know what, Zach knows that. He fibbed and he knows that I'm right.

I wasn't always this way, but now I'm just a walking truth serum cuckah. And yeah, it might rub people the wrong way, but here I am, take it or leave it, truth serum driving a bus during a marathon. And then Janet's like, but if you thought that I thought Michelle was racist, why wouldn't you call me?

Why the fuck would I call you if you thought Michelle was racist? That doesn't make any sense. Why do I care if you think that she's racist? I'm just gossiping. I have to call everybody I gossip about? Give me a fucking break, McDonald's. So Jason's like, yeah, why not call Janet?

I'm here too. So Kristen's like, well then, Zach, I wish you hadn't brought it to my front door to try to make Janet look bad. And Janet's like, he didn't. It was all on you, Kristen. And Jesse's like, he didn't, it was all on you, Kristin. And Jesse's like, yeah, well, I wish you didn't bring it to my front door.

And Luke goes, you mean from Zach? So then Luke's like, okay, so you're just saying she shouldn't have brought it up at all? And now Jesse's screaming and pounding the table. He's like, everybody shut the fuck up, Michelle's gonna talk. And Luke, don't you talk to me that way again. Here's what I have to say.

Thanks, Obama. Take it over, Michelle's going to talk and Luke, don't you talk to me that way again. Here's what I have to say. Thanks, Obama. Take it over, Michelle. Zach has said he did not say that. Janet said she did not say that. I believe that everybody in this table would not be my friend if they thought that. And Kristen goes, I don't think that Michelle. She goes, that's not what I said, Kristen. So Zach's like, well, I don't know how it became like I said that Janet said that because it's like completely not the truth. But what I will tell you is if you call someone a Republican in LA, that's a death sentence. That is social suicide. You better be on the DL if you're a Republican because you are not getting invited to anything. That's probably very true.

And by the way, our friend Neil, who has the Past, Present podcast, he has a book that literally today was the pub day. It literally is arriving today, hit bookshelves today, called Coming Out Republican, which is a book about gay Republicans. So if this is something that is interesting to you, go check out Neil's book. And I think that that's actually a good example of what we're talking

about, like being counseled for being Republican or whatever. Because I see that on his Instagram and I'm like, oh, I cringe every time. I'm like, oh, Neal, no. Because it looks like Neal's like, I'm a gay Republican, you know, because he has like a real conservative haircut. And he's just like this white blonde guy. He's like, I wrote a book about coming out Republican. It looks like he's coming out Republican. And it just goes to show you that what they're saying is true because I see that. And I'm like, oh, Neil, no, don't do it. You in danger, girl.

Well, I can assure you that Neil is definitely not a Republican. But if it's something that you're interested in, go check out Neil's book, everyone. Support other women. Yeah, we love that guy. We love Neil. We love Neil. Congratulations on the new projects. So, yeah. So Jesse says, he's like,

you disrespected my family name. I'm like, maybe you also did that when you twisted Kristen's nipple. I'm not sure. He's like, we have a business that we run together. You know, if something like that gets out, you're ruining lives, the lives of two realtors. Oh God. It's, it's another red scare. You know? Yeah.

The Republicans are red. That's funny. I've never thought of it that way. Michelle's like, not only that. And he just holds up his hand and goes, hold on. Like, okay, Michelle, please. I'm talking about you, you don't get to talk, okay? You were thrown off the fucking show for being an actual racist, Kristen. What did you call me? Which I was like, wow, he went there. But of course he would go there.

I'm actually sort of afraid that the show is acknowledging it, but this is now where the Valley acknowledges Kristen's role in her controversy. Yeah, we knew they had to in some way. It's interesting. This is the way they did it. And it was all kind of caused by Kristen, like dumb, dumb. So basically she's like, well, I know that I made a mistake by roping Michelle into something,

but Jesse is just trying to ruin my name by bringing up the most painful thing that I've ever gone through." And this is where it's like the Kristen kind of victim moment. And she starts talking about how she was canceled. So Jesse's like, but did you not? Kristen, is it not a true statement? And Luke is like, we're going to go, this isn't true. And so Kristen has a monologue saying like, I understand why Michelle's upset it's the worst thing in the world to be labeled as anything, let alone a racist and nobody knows better than me because it happened to me.

And I was canceled. It was probably the hardest time of my life when I was called out for behavior that could have sent someone to jail. And yeah, I'm not proud of what I did. I'm sorry that I hurt people, but I've learned from my mistakes. There are my friends sitting there and they know my past and all I wanted to do is pick up the pieces and move on with my life.

Be a good person. It's like the people finally gave me a chance again and now it's like it's brought up all over again and I'm going to have to relive it again. Hope that my life doesn't fall apart again. Oh, Mariposa." I was like, okay, okay, ma'am. Chris And then we see the headlines, 2020, June 7, 2020, Kristen Doty apologizes to former co-star of Faith Stowers. June 7th, again, Kristin Doty says she is learning about unconscious bias after firing, which I thought was kind of funny only because that's just what Trishelle said after her. She's like, I'm going to look into some unconscious bias classes. So I guess that's just what people tell you to say.

That's what you do. Yeah. Once you're called a racist, that's like how you redeem yourself. So all the stuff that happened with faith, I will say at that time, I remember when that went down, because that was anti-Jax and anti-... Not really Jax. I mean, Jax got the least of it, but it was mostly Christian and Stasi because they went on... Wasn't it on Bitch Bible that Stasi went on Bitch Bible and was talking about how they hate faith and they know faith does all this terrible stuff because Kristen found a video of faith wearing a jacket that she stole from Logan. Wasn't it, Logan? It was some story that was like along the lines of like someone was stealing things.

She was robbing like rich men, something like that. Like they were accusing Faith of being this woman who was, the police were looking for, and there was video footage of this woman and that the police were looking for that was robbing men or something. And they were like, I know it's Faith

because she's been stealing stuff. Everybody was accusing Faith of stealing stuff. And so Kristen and Stassi like called the FBI or something and, or called the police and tried to turn in faith. Right. Which is like they were like clearly acting. It's like, okay, just cause there's like a video of a black woman. It's like, doesn't mean that like, Oh, therefore, Oh, faith is black. It's probably her. You know, that's, that's, that's, it was really, really bad.

And it was bad. You know, and like Faith- And it happened a while before that. Yeah, it happened like two years before, but Faith brought it up at that time. And like, obviously very irresponsible, aside from the fact that it was profiling, but it's like, it's irresponsible.

And you know, like it could be a very dangerous situation for a black woman. And as we've seen from people like Sandra Bland, et cetera. So it was really, really bad. And it was also just the constant coming after someone publicly who was barely even on the show. I mean, Faith was hardly even on that show. There was a fixation.

They were all fixated. I mean, like I said before, they were talking about, like Lala was talking about faith at that pool. And she was saying the same things. Well, faith stealing things or whatever. But Lala didn't call the cops on faith. Lala was just like, whatever. Faith is sketchy. Because by the way, faith can still be sketchy. But don't call the cops on faith for this thing. I mean, I don't know. I don't have to get into it all over again. But yeah, Kristen was definitely part of something. But they didn't really get into it on the show. So, I mean, for those of you who don't remember

or whatever, that's basically what happened. And so, they were all basically fired from the show, and then they recast the show for the next season. And then those guys all got fired for racism stuff too, Max and the other guy's name. Who, I mean, my God, the show. Like, so anyway, so after all that happened, Faith has given interviews since then. From what I understand, she said that she forgives Kristen because like Kristen did have a pretty,

Kristen was just like, I'm sorry. Like, I did it, guilty, you know. And I feel like her role in it was like a little smaller, right, I think, or like, no, it wasn't. I don't know, I'm not trying to let her off the hook. She was the one who was like, this is the woman on this video footage that I saw on the news or whatever. But yeah, so that's basically what happened with that. So now they're bringing it back up

and throwing it in her face, which of course, I mean, they're going to do you bring the thing is she's saying, like, I understand how this would affect other people, but then she's kind of doing it to those people as well. But I really need Michelle to be asked the question about that. Don't say gay law because yeah, that's what I'm, that's, that's ultimately what, what it comes down to for me is that like, I would love to know what the deal is

because that's so bad. It's so bad to say that don't say gay protects children because it does not. I don't know how that would protect children. And if we're concerned about societal things protecting children, how about we start banning all sorts of other things? Because by the way, drag queens are the least of the issues. But I'm not advocating for things to be banned. The point is that the hypocrisy of this, that there's lots of other hideous, toxic influences on children that no one cares about. What about putting this energy towards guns? How about that?

Because guess what? That's my issue. But you know what? You don't need to get political on this show anymore than we already have. That was the end of the episode. Uh, it's a to be continued. Really good. Really, really good. I can't wait to see how this all plays out. Thanks everyone for listening and for being here. Thank you, Mrs. Crabbitz, for listening in and we will catch you all on the next episode. Bye everyone. catch you all on the next episode. Bye everyone! Bye! Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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