Watch What Crappens - #2385 Below Deck: New Stew, Who Dissed?

Episode Date: April 9, 2024

Jill Zarin’s reign of terror continues on Below Deck (S11E10), pushing Barbie and Fraser’s relationship to the breaking point. Plus, it’s a day off for partying, and a new stew shakes things up.  Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap we just love to talk about on ye olde Bravo television. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me in his below deck era is Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how are you? Hello, I'm the new girl. I know we've all been excited to see who's coming on board. It's me. Claire Danes. She is very Claire Danes.

Very Claire Danes-y. But not as Claire Danes-y as that other girl that everybody thought it was who was coming back. Camille? Yes, Camille. That was real Claire Danes. And she did not come back. Everybody's like, oh my God, it's Camille. And I thought that it was a spoiler that everybody was giving us. It was not Camille. Sorry, everybody. And thank you, Jesus, by the way, because I don't need more Camille. I could not have dealt with more Camille. No.

So, we are obviously talking about Below Deck today. Ronny and I are particularly excited, because as you all know, we are going to Europe for our shows. We're doing a show in London, we're doing a show in Dublin and in Birmingham, and one of our touring colleagues is also going to be doing a show there. And we decided that, you know, women support other women. So we have just bought two tickets to support our dear friend Taylor Swift! We are going to Stockholm and going to a Taylor Swift show and we are so excited. We cannot believe we're even doing this and why we're just wedging it in there. So tell us everything everyone. We are doing it. The

Taylor Swift era's manifestation is happening for both of us together. You know, it's very exciting because I feel like as I get older, I'm becoming gayer. And that usually doesn't happen, I feel like. I feel like I was pretty gay to start off with. I mean, I was in one way as I aged, I was getting manlier, believe it or not. But I'm getting gayer now. I went to Beyonce this year and well, last year, I guess, but August, I mean, within a year, and I'm going to tailor you guys.

It's the gayest shit I've ever done. It's like gayer than getting a penis inside of me. So thank you to the gods for keeping me so gay and just letting me marinate my gayness. And also thanks to Europe. What a difficult place. It's very expensive. Okay. Now I can see why you all come here and you're so fucking fancy with your accents and your just general bougie. You're very fancy people. That place is expensive as hell.

What the hell am I supposed to do? That dog's all lumpy. How am I supposed to sell him? Lumpy and tired. Yeah. Well, you would never sell Bueller in Europe. Never. This is ridiculous. I'm going to do a separate job for all of this. Now, that said, you know, Yolo and I like to pick for this shit, this is ridiculous. I'm gonna do a separate job for all of this. Now that said, you know, YOLO, and whereas I like to say YODO, you only die once, why not die at a Taylor Swift concert?

Well, because the other thing is that, you know, I had expressed an interest in going to see Taylor Swift and like New Orleans. Well, on StubHub, the tickets in New Orleans start at like 4,500 or 5,000 a piece in like shitty areas. And as it turns out in Stockholm, not so bad. So what better way to see T-Swift than being surrounded by all your favorite Scandinavians, right? Those tickets basically paid for themselves.

Am I right? Now let me tell you what tickets are not paying for themselves. The crapins tickets. Go get some. You Crappins tickets. Go get some. You need to fund this. By the way, our live shows have now turned into a GoFundMe for Taylor Swift. Let's be honest.

What's that guy's name from Big Brother and American Idol who just had a GoFundMe? What's his name? From Big Brother and American Idol? Yes. You even stuttered. No. Todd. Todd. What's his name? From Big Brother and American Idol? Yes. No, Todd, Todd. Todrick. Todrick Hall. Okay, so Todrick Hall just had to go fund me.

He's like, you guys, I can't pay my rent or I can't pay my mortgage. And you know, he had this big thing. And then he had a party for himself three days later with a petting zoo and- He's so ridiculous. Anyway, that's like us. Yeah, we're like, we're going to have the most ridiculous go fund me ever.

But seriously, good tickets. We're doing shows. We're doing shows in Europe, London, Dublin and Birmingham. That's going to be in may. Sorry. I very, and then in LA we're doing that first. That's in May. And, um, uh, LA is going to be super fun at the C're doing that first. That's in May. And LA is gonna be super fun.

At the Kookaburra Lounge, that's like May, beginning of May. Third, I think May 3rd. I'll look right now. I do have access to take a holiday. I'm coming in May 3rd, I think. So anyway, whatever. Go to watch what crap is on how I'm gonna figure it out.

You'll find it somewhere in May. And we're gonna be there. It's gonna be super fun. And this is a video recap. Also, we have had requests to do Vanderpump Villa. We've refused and okay, listen, just nag us. All we need is to be nagged. We both thrive on nags.

We love nags. And so we're gonna do it. So we are going to do Vanderpump Villa. We can't do all the episodes. There've already been four episodes on the air. So we are going to start next week with a two-part bonus because we're going to hold this week's bonus until next week. We're going to do kind of an update

on the first four episodes. We're going to watch them all. We're going to do character breakdowns of everything going on. So that'll be a two-parter bonus next week. And we're super excited. So watch Vanderpump Villa on Hulu and find the first episode's gonna be on Patreon.

And then episode five and on will be on the main feed. So join us for that. It's gonna be super fun. And you don't even have to do anything or buy anything. You're just right here already in your home or your car or jogging, whatever the fuck you're doing right now, don't change it. It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be so fun. So today we have the conclusion of Jill Zarin's Reign of Terror on Below Deck followed by the arrival of a new stew. This Jill Zarin chapter has been one of my favorites of the season and let's set let's dive into it. Okay. So the issue when we last left the this boat was that Anthony was having some real issues in the kitchen

in the galley getting out all these different preferences, because there was a sushi platter that went awry in that there was no vegetable sushi, and he had not anticipated that he needed vegetable sushi for the primary, because she's like segueing into raw fish, but she's not there yet. I hate this lady, okay? And you know what, Jill Lazarin's all over the internet taking all the heat, and Jill Lazarin deserves it. She's an asshole, but? And you know what? Jill Zarin's all over the internet taking all the heat

and Jill Zarin deserves it. She's an asshole. But you know who's worse? This other lady. Because at least Jill Zarin is an asshole out loud. And she's like trying to be nice by being an asshole. In her way, she thinks she's helping. Yeah, she's trying to be nice.

She's still insufferable. But this other girl is just too much. You can't be like kind of a vegetarian, but like she literally has everything wrong with her. I'm just so sick of her. And she's stealthy. She's a stealthy pain in the ass where she acts like she's the nice one in the duo. You were sitting right there, ma'am. When Jill said, we want sushi, he said tuna and yellowfin or whatever it was. And you sat there and nodded and she said, and then I just want some cruditated naan because I don't eat the sushi. And you sat there and nodded, and she said, and then I just want some crudite to naan

because I don't eat the sushi. And you sat there and nodded like it was the best thing ever. It said nothing. And now you're complaining that there was no vegetable sushi. Well, there was vegetables sitting there. It's called crudite. So get yourself some white rice.

Shut the fuck up. I'm sick of listening to you complain, lady. You're lucky they didn't throw your gluten-free vegan ass, half vegan ass off the boat. Ma'am, they gave you vegetable sashimi. You just didn't realize. Exactly. Let's call it the rice America, okay? You had several pieces of delicate carrot sashimi arranged on a plate with some cucumber, I mean, and some celery sashimi. So you should have just like enjoyed it,

dip it into the soy sauce, and you would have had your entire experience. One of the, I think the day that I decided I was done with LA for a while, I was out having sushi, and this was actually years before I left, it was like 10 years before I left LA, but I was like, I don't think this is my forever home,

because I went to sushi someplace, and I said, what's this kind of sushi? He goes. Oh instead of rice. It's wrapped in I think cucumber. He's like it's wrapped in cucumbers. So you don't have the rice calories and I said the rice calories Fuck this place and fuck you Fuck everybody in this restaurant who says that because when I grew up I would grow up real fat, you know And in weight watchers rice was like health food. They were like, white rice, you can have that. And so I always looked at it as like,

I'm being healthy by eating rice. So to even be suggested that that's like a high calorie thing, I was so upset and I was like, bye, LA. Anyway, that has nothing to do with any of this, but fuck this Melanie lady, I don't like her. I'm not only leaving LA, I'm leaving Melanie. By Melanie. She is the cucumber rep rolls,

because I've had cucumber rep rolls and they're just so much sadder. They're sadder. You can't replace a bready type thing, like carby type thing with a wet thing. It doesn't work. That's not how it works. People with your spaghetti squash,

stop trying to run spaghetti squash up on me too. Like I just fell off a turnip truck. Okay. Yeah. Like I can do a Zoodle reluctantly because sometimes it's just about needing a vehicle to get the sauce in. Yeah. But ultimately I'm still aware that that's a zucchini and I don't appreciate it. I'm okay with the cauliflower rice that will I'm down because I like cauliflower. So I feel like cauliflower rice with like an Indian curry works really well because cauliflower flavors work nicely with those those those flavor profiles.

But I'm not going to do a cauliflower rice in any rice situation. I would never do cauliflower rice with sushi. That's just I happen to like the application of cauliflower. Well, I just happen to like cauliflower with Indian food. Okay. I like cauliflower. Okay. Bring over the manic.

I'll apologize, miss out. You know what? I like Nebraska with my curry, okay? So yeah, second night, Melinda's like, I eat cucumber and avocado roll sushi, but I barely do fish. She's telling the yoga lady, like, Jennifer, I'm sorry. I can't believe there's not sushi for me. Like, barely, barely do

fish. Shut up, Melanie. Yeah, I don't do raw fish. And like I said this last week, raw fish is, I feel like, the healthiest version of fish. Like, that is actually, you know, if you're being new agey and I think you care about yoga and meditation, it's strange to me that she has a reluctance around raw fish, right? Like when we think of like raw diets, we often associate that with people who are super into like new age yoga, stuff like that, like health forward.

So the fact that she's like, doesn't wanna have raw fish, I just seem to go against everything she seems to be about. Listen, I know there are vegans, I know there are gluten free people, I know that there are different things. We all have our thing, right? I have things, I'm like partially vegetarian, you know? Like I get it.

So I'm not being a total hypocrite on this. I just think some people like Melinda take it too far or they're not getting any respect in the world. Like it doesn't matter if she's rich, it doesn't matter if she's successful, she feels disrespected in her life. And this is the one area in her life where she's like, you're going to respect me, and that is through my food choices. And I see it through a lot of people where that's their thing. It's like their controlling thing. And if you don't kowtow to every fucking food demand they have, that's their way of being like, you don't respect me and I will not stand for this because you tried to serve me a cracker,

you know? And it's like, get the fuck out of here. That's why kids- Take this out in a healthier way, you know? Go kill somebody. Don't take this out on my dinner. I only go to dinner once every couple of weeks. This is why kids are such little assholes when it comes to foods, because I think it's their little power trip, you know? And it's like not even me just being like, oh, I hate kids. I think like everyone is aware that like a kid, when kids are like, I only eat like pizza and hot dogs, which by the way was me as a child as well. Because I don't even want to

hear from someone who says you're a child once too, which is my least favorite argument. Like, yeah, no, no, no shit. That's what I'm speaking from experience here. It's like a power play by the kid because you know what, there are a lot of kids out there that just will eat all sorts of interesting things. And like, why is it that like some kids just will not eat anything for years? And I, it's a power play. People use it as a power move all the time. So Melinda's basically a five year old. So go poop your fucking diaper somewhere Melinda, okay?

I'm sick of your shit. Okay, so now in the galley, other people's shit that I'm sick of today, Fraser and the captain, you guys need to leave this chef alone, okay? You've seen that he has just been abused by the fishless wonder over there, Melinda. He's got Jill Zarin up his asshole.

Barbie gave him all the wrong orders last week. Could you give the guy like somewhat of a break? And they're also gaslighting him by being like, oh my God, he's going crazy. And he's not even going crazy. You guys are literally making him crazy until by the end, he's crazy and fucking up everything. It's all your fault. Leave the chef alone. But he did have that episode like two weeks ago where he like made an enormous mess in his kitchen and was up till 4am cleaning it. And like he was up till 4am cleaning it. See

the part. But I'm saying like that's he had no sleep. And that had like he wasn't able to focus. It's been like a domino effect ever since that night. That night. Well, I love dominoes. They should have ordered some for this boat at this point. Like they might be just told, you know, you need to do do you have a brick oven, brick oven on this yacht, you need to warm it up in there. That's all. That's all you do that tastes warm. Everyone be happy. That's all just a tip for your next charter. So Fraser goes down to the galley and he's like,

so you don't have other bros, other bros with that raw fish in them, they're fishing Melinda down there. And he's like, no, because I have five other courses. I don't have rice for the course. You know, I don't have rice. I have to make rice. I mean, come on.

And Fraser's like, the chef may have bitten off more than he could chew. Didn't you know what was being made? Why is Fraser getting away with taking no responsibility for anything, okay? You saw what was up there on the board that he was making, you take some responsibility. Also Fraser's making me mad.

Also everything's making me mad, which is weird, because it's the best day ever, and we got Taylor Swift on the tickets. No, that's why. But I think that's what makes me happy, is being angry. It's so weird. I was about to say, that is the translation of our giddiness. We're like, we're so giddy. We're just going to yell at people.

Fire Fraser. Like, Fraser doesn't know what he's doing. Oh my God. We're so happy. Fraser's a piece of shit. Oh, what a great day. Well, also, not in Fraser's defense, but also how does this guy not have left, like, why, how does he not anticipate that people may want more sushi? Do you see may want more sushi? Did you see the plates of sushi? Okay, you can't even do that because they were, it was the biggest fucking plates

of sushi I've ever seen. They were literally piled on top. Half of it was still left over. I would eat all of it and ask for more. Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt you. I'm wild. No, it's okay. I think I've interrupted you about 12 times.

Just during your like food control thing. You have to or otherwise you can't talk today. We have to, we're gonna interrupt because we're giddy, we're Taylor Swift giddy right now. We can't control ourselves. What a piece of shit Fraser is. I'm gonna be in such a good mood at that concert. I'm gonna be like, fuck Taylor Swift, I hate her.

Fire Taylor Swift, fire her. She probably doesn't even eat raw fish, loser. Oh wait, we didn't mention- What's wrong with that guy? we didn't even mention the biggest part of it all which is that um we're gonna recap the concert oh i'm gonna be there with a note an actual notebook recapping this shit we're gonna recap it yeah um or at least we're gonna aspire to um we'll also be like enduring massive jet lag, but you know, that'll be part of the whole experience.

It'll be my excuse to sit down the whole time. Because you know, everybody's like stands up and puts their arms in the air and shit. I don't do that. So I'll be like, I have to guys, I'm writing, I'm writing a review. So I'm here from the crap in times. So so Sheffy is having a hard time. And then Jill is like, you know, it's eight 30. I see no chef. Fraser, Fraser, I spoke to the chef about having dinner at eight 30. What are the chances that happen? And, huh, what do you think it's gonna, you think it's gonna happen now at eight 30? Jill is just having the best time of her life. Like she could not be happier to look at her watch and see that there's three minutes left. No one's sitting like a three minutes to eight 30, also known as eight 27, no one's sitting at the table. Dinner is clearly not gonna start on

time. She's gonna get to speak up about it like that. Like she's like orgasming right now. Yeah, she loves it so much to complain about. So then Fraser is like, Oh my God, I will ask Jill, I will ask. So he goes back down and he's saying they want to sit now chef. And he's like, Oh, I will make the magic happen. And he's like, did you hear that? I think he's going insane. He believes in magic now. This Harry Potter is not real.

We need to put him in some sort of a hospital. Very worried for the chef. I just don't think he's there yet. Oh really? Why don't you go have another petty spat with your fucking underling and make her cry and then tell her off while she's making her cry. You petty ass talking about professionalism fired. I've never seen you so joyful Ronnie. I'm like it's like Christmas morning.

So, uh, Fraser calls up Barbie for service. So Barbie is, uh, she's, uh, she's really mad. She's still really mad because, um, while she was running around on the boat inefficiently, uh, like Zandy and Fraser got to meditate for like 20 minutes or something while they were on the, on the beach. So, uh, she's like heading up. Okay, Barbie, Barbie, hurry up, Barbie, hurry up, Barbie, Barbie, Barbie, hurry up, Barbie, hurry up, Barbie, Barbie, Barbie, do everything Barbie, Barbie, Barbie, Barbie, Barbie. She's doing this whole thing like she's the most besieged person on the boat.

Yeah, and she's like, I mean, I know where I'm at down, but like, what am I, Cinderella? I mean, this is like ridiculous. Like, what am I supposed to do? I mean, it's like a mixture of like, I don't want to be here, but also I'm not a quitter. So I'm not gonna pull through and like, I'm just gonna give like a fake ass smile.

Look, here's me smiling. Like that's not smiling. You have to at least make the smile. I have an excuse not to, I get Botox, I'm old. What's your excuse? You're five years old, fake smile girl. She's like, here's my fake smile. And then she's like, and I'm not going to complain.

Yeah, you're just gonna be like silent. You're gonna just like glower at your boss and be passive aggressive. And later on she complains that like, if I don't say anything, I'm passive aggressive. It's because you're being passive aggressive. Yeah, I like it. I really like Barbie.

I shockingly really love Barbie. I like usually this, I feel like they're trying to trigger us by putting this stew who's like smarting off to Fraser. But I'm team Barbie on this one. I think Fraser got on her about her attitude, which he was probably right to do in the beginning. And I think she's done a good job

of changing herself around and he still doesn't appreciate it. I like Barbie. I don't think she's turned around her attitude. She's definitely doing this thing of like, I'm doing all the work. Um, you're just doing the work as per your job. Yeah. And then like Zandy is on like, did they meditate for 20 minutes? Sure.

But I guarantee that if Barbie were out there getting to do the meditation, she would come back and be like, oh my God, like, yes, we meditated, but it was like having to like serve guests the entire time. Like you would be in the crosshairs of Jill Zarin out there. That's like a danger zone. So I don't know, I just, I like her. She's one of the few that can complain that I still like, but it's also like, it's your job.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. So, I mean, I agree with you, but I still, I'm still team Barbie. So the chef is doing that thing. I think all gays, he's not gay, but he's gay adjacent. He's gay adjacent. Do you think?

Yeah, he's European. Yeah, and I don't mean like, I don't know. You shouldn't speculate on people's sexuality. Oh, I know we're not supposed to do that. So terrible. So bad when we do that. But I'm not really doing that. I'm just saying he's like gay enough to be friends with personality wise. So anyway, he's doing that thing we all do when he's like, he would come to Taylor with us, you know what I mean? And make out probably. So he's, he's doing that thing we all do when we really need confidence.

He's talking to himself like a straight guy would. He's like, come on, bro, you can do this, bro. Bro, bro, come on, Matt. You know, like we all start yelling at each other, like yelling at ourselves like a coach in junior high. Do you do that? And then me, does my coach do that? No, do you do that like when you need,

when you're insecure, are you like, Ben, get it together, bro. You're gonna be fine. I do that, I talk to myself like I'm the voiceover guy in a Ford truck commercial. I'm like, through the rain, through the mud, I persevere, cause I'm a man. No, I don't get, if I'm feeling insecure about something,

I don't give myself pep talks. Instead, I just like text like five different friends and say, oh my God, I'm like really nervous about those. I just like, I put it onto other people. So, meanwhile, Fraser tells Barbie, they want champagne, please grab the Dom. She goes, I'll get it. She does this, like she gets this like very like robotic

voice where she, she's like, I want you to see I'm extremely angry, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna act extremely servile at the same time. And you should feel bad for me for being so muted, not muted, for having my voice being taken away to such an extreme that I'm just an empty vessel of a stew right now.

She does. She's entering what I refer to as her Handmaid's Tale era. This is where she's just like the most put upon. Do you ever watch that show? It's such a good, but also depressing as fuck show. And this is her Handmaid's Tale era. Okay, so he's like, are you crazy? You're looking crazy.

You can calm down now. She's like, are you crazy? You're looking crazy. You can calm down now. She's like, just getting the champagne, like you asked me to. He's like, all right, geez, go. Take your attitude with you. So the guests are watching them and they go to the dinner table

and Jill gives her review for the dinner table. Wow. Wow. Wow. This is like Libanadan. This is like, you know what this is like? This is like Michelin-style level. You know what this is like? This is like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah,? What was the word she said last week that I was like, oh, I had so many syllables. I love the way Jill said it.

Akhmeddinajad. This is like what I imagine every table was like for Akhmeddinajad. So Fraser is telling Zandi to take care of the cabins because something's wrong with Barbie. He was like, Barbie? Barbie's losing it. I don't know what's going on. And Zandy's like, well, I did have a snappy moment with her. And then we see all the sushi left over at the bar and all the crudite. And then we see what Zandy is talking about with the problem with Barbie. And we see the napkin fight again, where Barbie's like, I mean,

are there any napkins? She's like, you can steam your own napkins. Jesus. She's like, Oh my God, I can't believe she told me to steam my own napkins. Doesn't she realize how hard it is to iron a six inch by six inch piece of fabric? This will ruin my entire day. So, Jill is like, so Captain Kerry comes to join them. Jill's like, Oh, look, it's the captain. He's like, okay, everyone, there's the captain. All right, let me give you, okay, when you're on a yacht, there's a captain. I just know this because I charter a lot of yachts. So there's a captain and he rides,

he drives the boat for us. So this is him. This is him right here. Welcome, welcome to our table. All right, losers, it's me. I've got dinner to announce. And Gary's like, ah, here we go. Here we go.

And he's like, all right, we've got chicken pad Thai, tofu pad Thai and vegetable curry. All right. So let's start with the primate. Why are you asking them who's vegetarian and who's not just serve the fucking things to the vegetarian people? Why don't give them exactly. Don't give options. And also just like, maybe just make a whole one big, make one big vegetarian meal for everyone. How about that? That might be fun. So she's like, I would like to start with the primary live without their meat.

They especially, there are some American people who are like, I can't go a meal with that. I mean, I'm in Texas too, but it's like, yeah, that's true that there are a lot of people like that. Um, so I like Frazier saying I'd like to start with the primary, really emphasizing in front of Captain Kerry, like who's in charge here. So Melinda's like, hmm, I think I'll do like a half and half. No fish, please. And Jill's like, oh, yeah, you know what, and put a bowl of pad thai on the side. I just love, Jill just jumps right into the primary moment right now. She'll take that too.

Trust me. Okay. I know her. I know her. Just bring it on the side. She's going to want to pat tie on the side. So they order and then he's muttering to himself as he goes down to the galley. He's like, you've got to get your weakest to be your strongest. Get your weakest to be the strongest.

Okay, chef, here are the orders. Little fucker. I would push him down those stairs if I heard him muttering that about me. Yeah. So then Jill is now, she's now shifting into Yenta mode, sort of gossiping to Carrie about everyone in front of her. She's like, so Captain Carrie, guess what? These two right here, Melanie, Melanie who doesn't eat the fish, okay, Melanie, they have eight kids, Captain, eight kids. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine how much fabric

we would have to supply from Zarin Fabrics just to clothe that family? Listen, that's why I'm friends with them. It never ends with her. They're like the Von Trapp family over there, okay? Like clothing that family for one season keeps Jill Zarin Fabrics open, all right? Okay, Melanie, talk about yourself

while you wait for your pad tie. Here she's about to talk. Captain, she's about to talk. Is everybody listening? Okay, Melanie. Go ahead, Melanie. All right, everyone, Melanie has to talk. Melanie, say something. Well... Okay, she missed a chance. Anyway... I haven't... Okay. The captain, do you know that you have nugget eyes? It's like five stories down, but it's

amazing. You've got this girl who runs up and down the stairs. She was crying right now and beating her head up against the wall, but you know what? She does make an amazing Diet Coke now. I taught her that. I taught her. I taught her how to make a good Diet Coke. By the way, so you're learning Turkish? Have you been to the Hag Sophia?

That's in Turkey. Yeah, it's a place. You know Turkey? It's sort of in the middle of Europe and Asia, the same place. Yeah, I know these things. If you need any information about Turkey, just let me know. So, Melinda, like I said, eight kids.

Or Melanie. Melanie. Melanie has no power in her life. She has eight fucking kids. Guess who gets all the attention and guess whose needs are always being met in that family? Those fucking kids, okay? That's why Melanie's like this.

So, you know, I feel bad for being mean to Melanie because that's gotta be hard. Yeah, because she lives in the shadow of her eight children and her father-in-law who made a Moderna vaccine. So like Melanie needs to actually just like create a space for herself, which is like a sushi pass of aggression. Yeah.

So poor thing, but also stop having children. Like no one needs eight children. You know what I mean? Like that's just polluting. That's pollution. Okay, so Fraser is asking if he can lay the chicken down and the chef is like, oh my God, I fucked myself by, you know, we're having a la carte and it's so much work

because instead of just one main course, now three different at the same moment, all these courses. But it's also like pad thai. Like, why can't you just like make the pad thai and then it's like tofu versus chicken, can't you? Why didn't you, like, couldn't you have just like prepped this stuff beforehand and then you just mix the proper protein

into the proper plate? Like, is it really that bad? This is not like, oh, he's making like a, yeah, but like he's acting like, oh, I really fucked myself. It's like, yeah. Did you, the curry, maybe it's the curry. I don't know. I literally just had Thai food last night. And I think that like putting out an order of curry and pad Thai, which is literally what I had last night, is not the, it's not a make or break moment. I'm sorry to say this, but it's just not. Yeah, I hear you. It's literally like, you get that curry going,

like two hours ahead of time, maybe, you probably don't even need that much time. Yeah. You get the pad tie, I don't know, I don't see why this is so chaotic for him. I think he's just thrown off because it's so many different American needs. The gluten-free, the dairy-free, the jills-aren of it all.

I think it's just so much. So he's, Fraser is basically helping him plate, which is what he's supposed to do. And he's like cleaning up the plates for him, like doing the napkin circle around the plate. And he's like, oh my God, what would happen if I wasn't here? Welcome to doing your fucking job circle around the plate. And he's like, oh my God, what would happen if I wasn't here?

Welcome to doing your fucking job, Fraser. Seriously. So then the chef, basically now they're missing a plate. And Jill- Just Jill Zarin, Jill Zarin actually, she has an instant orgasm when they miss a plate. She's like, oh yeah, here we go, here we go. No, you guys start, you guys start.

I'll wait, I'll wait. You know what I mean? Don't wait, don't worry about me. You just go, you just go. I want you guys to eat. I can eat mine cold, here we go. Here we go. No, you guys thought you guys thought I'll wait. Oh wait, you know No, wait, don't don't worry about me. You just go you just go I want you guys to eat I want I can get mine cold. It's fine. I don't want to wait I don't want you guys to wait for me. That's fine. I can have a diet coke I taught them how to make a diet coke. It's good. It's okay There's like I don't want to wear, you know, I don't want to wait she goes but you you know what don't wait I don't want you to care but I could Gary don't wait. I don't want you to, Gary. But I could. Gary, don't wait.

This is a greasy head. Greasy head to Gary. You know what? Don't wait till you can finish earlier so you can go wipe your head off. I mean, seriously, Captain, look at his head. You're bald. Look, Gary, look how the captain's head is not greasy. And Captain, look how the...

Don't you guys talk to each other? It's not what bald people do. Don't you see each other in the hallway and say, hey, bald person, let me help you. You've got grease on your head. Maybe carry around a napkin in your back pocket. That's all I'm saying. Ding dong. You know, just wipe each other's heads down if you need to. Like, who's going to be there for you if not another baldy? You know what I'm saying? You know what? Don't, it's fine. Answer that question on your own time. I'll wait. I'll

wait. I'm okay. It's fine. Don't worry about it. it's fine. I've got no problems with this, it's fine. I'm gonna survive this. I've survived worse. You know what, there was a moment where cotton was in short supply and it was trouble getting the rugs in. That was very difficult. Poor Bobby, I remember Bobby at that time.

He actually made a rug of rice. Can you believe that? A rice rug. It actually became a big thing for a while. I've had worse times, all right? Yeah, rice rug. They're stuffing a piece of bread in their mouth, like, please.

Stop talking. So, then they finally eat their pad thai, and it's all cold. So Jill's like, cold. I love you. She just announces, cold. Okay, you know what? Captain's not gonna like this. It's cold, cold. I love you. She just announces, cold. Okay, you know what? Captain's not gonna like this.

It's cold, it's terrible. This is terrible. Gary, it's terrible. Should I say something? You know I'm gonna say something. But I'll wait until you eat, then I'll say something then. Whatever you want.

I love that Gary actually goes, are you gonna say something? She's like, I don't know. I haven't decided whether or not I'm gonna say something. Should I say something? Do you think he can hear me right now talking at this level right down the table?

Right across the table. This is Jill. I don't know if I'm gonna say something. You know, I'm not sure if I'm gonna say, it's cold. It's cold. This is cold. Send it back. You know what?

I don't wanna say anything that the captain could hear. So I'm just gonna say hava seguk, okay? That's in Turkish. Surely he won't. Oh, so it's cold then. Oh, damn it. Oh my god, this man knows everything. Can you see? You see? You see how smart, non-greasy bald-headed men are? Gary, I'm just saying. Take a page, Gary. Fraser, Fraser, could I get a blanket,

please? Can I get... Oh, are you cold? No, but my pad tie is. I thought maybe if I just wrap it around it. the the captain's like this is the worst dinner service we've had all season my food's already called something's going on in the galley if I look like I'm pissed off they're all gonna get pissed off so now I've got a fake it and on top of that we've got, cut to Jill like, can you believe it? It's cold. Feel my finger. I just put my finger inside of my food. Feel how cold it is. Like, did my finger just go in a bowl of pad thai or was it in Alaska? Somebody tell me. Where's it been?

You know what? I always thought, I always thought I was pretty progressive about the environment, but it turns out there's no such thing as global warming because feel how cold this is, freezing. I like Captain Carey saying that he's gonna have to like not show that he's pissed off and I cast to him

and he has like the tightest angriest smile on and his face has turned bright red. He's like, really he doesn't hide it well for sure. So Ben is talking to Dylan and he's like, so if you ever hooked up with a charity guest and he's like, so have you ever hooked up with a chair to guest? And he's like, I've hooked up with charter guests.

I've got a lot of guest stories. Very naughty, very naughty boy. Just giving a high five count as hooking up with a charter guest. He goes, growing up, no one ever told me I was good looking. And now I get hit on by so many guys. And so many girls too definitely the girls definitely the girls girls girls girls girls did I say guys I mean girls girls girls girls girls one time a girl a girl on a yacht I went to live with her in Berlin and I like when all the girls

come up to me but I also like to hunt like to hunt for girls you know because if a girl would come up to me in a bar I'd go fall on on the floor, do some push-ups, smooth my eyebrows and say, hey, what's up, baby? High five, high five, baby. It's hit or miss, it's hit or miss. This fucking guy. This guy, I think he has a lot of unpacking to do with his, to be authentic to who he is.

So- Well, he can't be authentic to who he is. There- Well, he can't be authentic to who he is. There's too many calories. You're right. Yeah, this guy, I wonder if in the act of like washing off all the calories from the ham, he somehow like the chemical residue of the Oscar Mayer like seeped into his brain in some way

that has made him this way. Yeah, poor thing. But he's, yeah, poor thing. Poor, annoying thing. I love that every yeah, poor thing, poor annoying thing. I love that every girl who comes on this show is like, he is officially unfuckable after like two seconds. He's just, he's just so unfuckable. He's the unfuckable Kimmy Schmidt.

So, Ben, so anyway, we're in back in the galley and Frey's just like, we need dessert. That's not dessert, okay, so anyway, we're in back of the galley and phrase just like, we need dessert. That's not dessert. Okay, we need because because chef is only just starting a dessert. He's like, he's pouring flour into a bowl. Like, I don't know, I forget what the dessert even is supposed to be, but it's so far away from it. So now they have to stall, they have to kill 20 minutes. And because I don't know if they'll, you know, because if they don't kill 20 minutes, then Jill's gonna lose her mind if the plates are cleared and there's no dessert in front of them.

Listen, if you want to kill 20 minutes, just pass the table and say, Sporks, the mixture between a spoon and a fork, go. And then just listen to Jill. You know what? I never agreed with that. A spoon and a fork? Who wants to eat with a spoon that's also a fork? What if you're trying to eat ice cream or something?

Do I want to poke myself in the lip? No, I really don't want to eat. She'll go on for 30 minutes about a damn spork. This come up with a word and drop it. Jill's like her own improv team. She'll be like, Jill, can you just remind, could you just tell us all again

about how to make good diet coke and can you explain the theory behind each step? Oh yeah, of course. Okay, first thing you got to do, I learned this when I was in Turkey, Captain, so it's relevant to you. First you find the ice, gotta be nugget ice, gotta be good ice. I don't care where it comes from, if it comes from the galley, if it comes from the bar area, it's gotta be nugget ice 45 minutes later.

Then you take the ice, you put it in the glass, stack it, doesn't matter the orientation, it's all gonna melt anyway, so everyone's, everyone taking notes, everyone? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So Barbie wastes time by making everybody a drink,

like a pre-dessert drink, which is made from- This is smart. I think almond milk and a touch of strawberry and little umbrellas, and they're like, oh, very nice, well, it's a before dessert drink, this is smart. I think almond milk and a touch of strawberry and little umbrellas. And they're like, oh, very nice. It's a before dessert drink. This is fantastic. Do you have a spork for this?

Because it's ice. But it's also a drink. It's very confusing on how to eat this. I'm just saying. I've never seen diet coke served so pale, but I suppose it'll do. It looked disgusting to me, but I thought it was actually a very smart idea, which is like give something that speaks of dessert, but isn't dessert at all and just kills time. Like that was that was clever.

So then Fraser passes Barbie and he's like, has it going babe, and she just ignores him. And he's like, good chat. Great chat. So then, Joel is saying, so captain, have you ever hired family before? What's that like? Oh my God, I can't even imagine working with my daughter. Serious, like very difficult, very lovely girl. But you know what,

so many questions about Fat Camp, anytime I take her anywhere. You send one, you take a girl, you send a girl to Fat Camp one time in her life. I have to hear about it seriously everywhere I go. The people are always asking me about it. How could you do this to Ali? How could you do this to Ali? You know what, it wasn't a prison, it was a camp, I have to hear about it seriously everywhere I go. The people are always asking me about it. How could you do this to Ali? How could you do this to Ali?

You know what? It wasn't a prison. It was a camp. Okay. Campus for fun. All right. It's for fun with less hot dogs than a normal camp, but otherwise it's the same kind of game it's a camp, but with more speed walking.

Okay. Is that so bad? Have you ever done that to a member of your family, captain? Well, I'm not sure really for that, but I did hire my girlfriend once. Oh, okay. So you met her on a ship. Wow. Oh gosh. Okay. Um. Let's see. I got lost. So now Fraser is not Fraser and Barbie.

But he's just like, what's going on, babe? You seem quiet. Yes. Yes. My big smile only lasts so long. Okay, Barbie, you know that Barbie's like a big poster on Facebook. That just happened. What happened, Barbie? Wow, I can't even believe that that happened last night. Like, she was probably the original click baiter, right? You know everything.

My fake smile can only last so long. Like, well, you shouldn't have put it on in the first place. Or just one that says that happened or the disrespect dot dot dot. About last night. So Captain Carrie's like, well, everyone, I'm going to depart. Duolingo waits for no one. Got to keep that streak alive. So have a great rest of your meal.

And he's like, the food was average. Timing was shit. I need to talk to Anthony at the end of the charter. No need talking to him now, but I'm not happy. I'm less happy than a Joey that fell out of the sack. If you know what I'm saying. Yeah. So as over, everybody goes to bed.

The staff goes to bed, except for for Barbie who has to stay up. And he's like, all right, Zan, Zandi, Fraser, there's a clock off. And then he just looks at Barbie and she's like. Big smiles back. So Zandi is, Zandi is done with her shift. So Fraser's cleaning the bar. Zandi sits down at the bar stool for a moment

just to check in. And Fraser's like, bars. Andy sits down at the bar stool for a moment just to check in and Fraser's like, but tomorrow night's gonna be the most shit ever. Barbie's pissed. The energy is horrific. We've got no stew. I'm fatter than I've ever been before. It's going to go off. So Barbie comes over and he's like,

how's it going over there? Gorgeous. And she just ignores him again. So he's like, what is that about? It's like, how's it going over there? Gorgeous. And she just ignores him again. So he's like, what's it sad about? It's like, I have no idea. But Barbie goes to Kyle, she goes, so now I go down and basically they're like meditating at the bar. They're like just sitting there,

which is basically like meditation. Like it's crazy. Like why do they get to meditate so much? I mean, she's doing yoga. She's talking too much shit. I'm just over this. I'm just over this. I'm so sick of being a saint. I'm about to lose it.

Kyle's like, I'll just keep smiling there. See you in a bit. Don't worry. Turn that throne upside down here in Brigadine. So then we got to the chef. Now the chef is mopping. And he's like, I see the dinner was bad. Uh, honestly, I don't have all this experience with pescetarian vegan and I don't want to be on this charter. I want to go to my room and cry all night and tomorrow I will drink a lot and go, mommy,

mommy, mommy, mommy. Baby have a sogu outside. I really can't stay. Baby have a so good outside. I really can't stay. Baby have a so good. Oh, sorry. There I was just a practice in my Turkish. All right. Good night. We need to talk. Not now. Not now. Yeah. I liked, I liked that Captain Curry is a practicing for spending the holidays in Istanbul. in a symbol. So now Ben is talking to Fraser in the mess and he's like, I need to make a decision. He goes, what, which way are you leaning then? He's like, well, Dylan is great, but he's like a puppy, a bit excited and over the top.

Or if you like Sonny knows the boat quite well, but obviously we're sleeping together. And Fraser's like, Oh, be careful with that. Yeah, you've kind of got yourself into a pickle there, but just keep fucking your underling, Ben. Sounds like a great plan. You're already not being careful there. How's nobody, how is this show just, we ask this on every season of every iteration of this show,

but how has the real world not caught up with this show yet and sexual harassment laws, et cetera? I think the real world just doesn't exist on yachts. Yachts are inherently a fantasy and I think it just goes from there. That's my think piece. I mean, you get to fuck Ben, what kind of fantasy is this? So this is a very low rent fantasy. Like you get to fuck Ben. What kind of fantasy is this? So this is a very low rent fantasy.

Like you get to fuck Ben and get him some toilets. So Ben tells us, I'll need someone I can trust for seconds for second, for lead deckhand. I mean, Dylan is everything I need on paper. He's knowledgeable. He's good on deck. Doesn't have a vagina though. So that's a problem. Suddenly gets well, gets on well, gels well with the crew and you can trust her. And you know, I have to assess these two. I don't know, it's a hard time for me. Well, I'll tell you this much.

At the end of the day, you get nothing from nothing. And that's all you can say for the life of the poor. The person doing the most work is the one who needs to get the job. No, Sunny does not need to be getting that job. You're fucking Sunny and she doesn't know how to tie the ties yet, okay? I just saw her learning ties last week.

She can't be lead that camp there. I solved it for you. Dylan gets it. We can't just not give Dylan his props because he's annoying. You know, annoying people deserve to live too. Absolutely. I mean, look, look how, look, Jill's there and flourishing. Look at us.

Look at us. Look at us for 12 years going strong, annoying the Brava liberties. Annoying the hell out of everybody as much as possible. You know, we deserve life. I'm here to advocate for annoying people. Yeah. I just spent for 45 seconds. So I Yeah, I just went, wow, for 45 seconds. So I know, I know a bit about this. So it's bedtime and everyone, everyone goes to sleep and Barbie is up late cleaning. And she goes into the laundry room and she's like,

fuck you, I'm not helping you stupid ass bitch. It's like so mad that Zandy actually sat down when that's actually all Barbie wanted to do. And let's not forget that last charter, Barbie sat down and took like a two hour break when she was supposed to have 15 minutes. And now she's like so mad that Zandi is like sat on a stool at the end of her shift.

Yeah, Barbie has been known to sit. That's for sure. Yeah, she's sitting Barbie. Yeah, so now it's morning and she wakes up, she goes to bed going, I hate these fucking people. Which is funny, because that's how I go to bed too. So like I see you Barbie. So morning, Ben is hugging Sunny from behind

and she's like, I grew up with my parents being so in love and every day they would cuddle. And that just shaped me how I am because I wanna feel things, you know? And I know he likes me and I, I trust him. Okay, your parents sounded confident. You do not sound confident. You sound insane and you sound more insane as this show goes on. So you missed a lesson. I'm just saying go back to your parents because you're struggling.

She's one fry short of a poutine, let's put it that way. So Captain Carrie gets a text that a new stew is going to be arriving later. And he's basically like, well, de-cartetine yi yi olur, aglama sa ni yi olur. Which as we all know is, you better watch out, you better not cry. In the spirit. Okay so.

Noel Santa Claus Sergelio. Santa Claus Sergelio. Santa Claus Ser say, oh, Santa Claus, say, oh, So Fraser goes up to take breakfast orders. He's like, so I'd like to talk to you about breakfast and Joe does. So should we tell you what we want now? So you're sure it's red? Yes, Jill, that's what ordering is. is. I just want to make sure. Okay, here's what we're going to do. Just put out a whole bunch of platters of sushi again, make sure it's all raw fish, then put out some crudités, but maybe put like an egg next to it.

That way it's breakfast. Okay, that sounds good to me. Could you do this? Put a fart on a plate and serve it to Melinda, because honestly I'm sick of this bitch, okay? You know what? And the most, the richest out of all of us sometimes need to be humbled. So keep up the good work. Okay. So Fraze was like, your options are burrito, smoked salmon benedict, veggie omelette, or

my eternal disdain. Guess what? That one's for free and you're getting it anyway. And what's her face? Not oneinda, what's her, Melanie? Melanie is like, I'm vegan. Yes, we fucking know. I have the vegan option. Okay, all right. So now it's time for the order to go to the kitchen. And Fraser's like, I've got their food order.

They've all got something different. Yeah, you offered them all too many options. This is called managing expectations and service. You've got to manage the expectations. It sucks at that. This is when you do the trick where you say, today we are offering a special of smoked salmon benedict with poppy seeds and french fries on top. Do you want that? And they'll go, oh yeah, we'll do the special. Because then they all do the special and then you pretty much make one thing. Yeah. You just say, here's your option. We're going to be bringing it soon. Hope you enjoy it. And then you put out some fruit and shit on the side for them to choose from.

Fruit and shit and some croissants or maybe put out some of those flat croissants that I just, I texted you about. Could you believe those things? Could you believe it? Yeah. I mean, I've sat on croissants before. You're a flat croissant innovator. I bet that's something a very long... Next, you're going to send me an article. You're going to be like, do you know what's really taken off? M&Ms from couch cushions. People are just loving them.

It's a TikTok craze right now. All right, so breakfast. They're served and Barbie is checking with Fraser and she's like, where do you need me? And he's like, good morning, you all right. She's like, that's just how I wake up, babe. He's like, okay, well, you seem quiet. She's like, but I just woke up, that's how I am.

So Xander's like, I have to pee, will you go watch my station? So she leaves and Barbie's like, but I just woke up, that's how I am. So Zandy's like, I have to pee, will you go watch my station? So she leaves and Barbie's like. I can't believe it. Barbie's like, I'm like annoying Fraser right now because like I don't know how to communicate with him and he like dismisses everything I feel. And I just, I can't win and I can't be myself. I really feel defeated.

What is the real Barbie? And by the way, also why why what does the Barbie being herself have to do with her cleaning a table? You're right. She's like, I can't be myself. So therefore I can't iron this napkin. I don't see how one thing has to do with another. It's also a very recent thing. I would say in the past couple decades that people are like,

he dismisses my feelings. You're at work. Like seriously, there are no feelings in service. Like no one gives a shit about yours. How about you watch Remains of the Day? You're literally here to care about everyone else's feelings. And I'm saying that as someone from service. Like you can't walk, you can't be in service

and have an attitude like that. You'll get run over immediately. You have to not give a shit. You have to not have feelings. Get rid of your feelings. Kill them. You know, kill them to have this job. I mean, literally watch any Merchant Ivory production

and you will see how it's done, which is you repress everything, keep everything inside. And if you fall in love with someone, you offer them like a handkerchief and that's like the most romantic gesture. Like, oh, may I get this handkerchief for you? Oh, absolutely. Thank you.

And they can stare at each other. Your prize is for the rest of your life. Emma Thompson is gonna kind of look at you in a disappointed way, you know? Yeah. I mean, don't you think that Anthony Hopkins wanted to be himself and remains the day? Yes, but he knew his job and himself was service.

And so what he did was that he let birds out of the fireplace and then gave a longing look at Emma Thompson and life went on. That's exactly right. So then- That did happen, right? Wasn't there a scene with birds in the fireplace? I don't remember.

Honestly, Merchant Ivory movies, I watched them because I know that, I'm like too embarrassed to admit that it's hard to watch them because I'm like too dumb for them. But also they're just so boring. But I don't know. I feel like I have to watch them so I do, but they're terrible.

Like, let's be honest. It's always like people who are in love with each other but can't act on their love because their duties to like the British aristocracy trump everything and then at some point someone gets consumption and pianos play very intensely and it's like please hurry please hurry Violet has consumption bring the rags bring the rags and they bring the rags and then she's fine and then it's like the rags and then she's fine and then it's like then it ends. Yeah, I just remember not really buying those movies because I would watch them and think, you know what could solve this whole thing? Masturbation.

But nobody would ever take my advice and I'm like, I can't with you people. Okay, so Captain Call of Stunning and Ben to the Bridge... It's windy, guys. It's so windy. We might all die. This is going to be the most difficult talking ever. More difficult than when a kangaroo with a little shark fin taped to his head swam up to the boat slowly and tried to punch the rudder right out of the boat. When I turned that boat around, I kicked him right in the head. I said, you get the fuck out of here, kangaroo. boat around, I kicked him right in the head. I said, you get the fuck out of here, kangaroo. And he did. I saved us all.

And that is what I call an adventure. Now, let me give you a lay of the land. We have a harbor. All right, we're coming into a harbor, but there's also a big badge over there. There's a little boat over there. There's a dock over there. There's a woman with a sun hat on the beach. The most dangerous harbor of all time.

Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom Tom up. She's taking a big sip. It's getting more dangerous. The wind is picking up. Her hat just flapped a little bit and we docked. It's safe. We don't say. I've saved another day. God damn it. That lady doesn't even know how close she came to being obliterated. Hey, look a little bit closer. It's Brenda Blithian. Well, that's a nice surprise. Well, we saved her life. What a lovely belt you've got there. nice surprise, what would say to her life? What a lovely boat you've got there. Is that a sailboat coming in? Oh, no, it's a yacht. Oh, I didn't even realise. Okay, so the captain, Fraser sends Barbie up with a coffee for the captain. And he's like, I'm a little bit worried about that froth.

What do you think about the froth? And she's like, ehh, and just ignores him. And he's like, why is she ignoring me? I can't take this. So up in the bridge- I mean, she won't even do froth banter with me. That coffee's not the only thing frothing. I really need a yes and right now.

This is where Barbie's supposed to step in. So um, and Captain and Barbie, so she brings him the coffee and he's like, what's wrong? She goes, long day. He goes, all right, well, I just saved the life of a lady on the beach with a big floppy hat. So if you want to talk to me about long day, I don't know if it really compares, but take care of yourself. Really do not care. Okay. Good boy. So the people have to leave now. Thank God. Oh God. Dylan, I think is doing pushups or something, or he's just pumping himself up going, let's go baby.

Let's go. And then everybody lines up to leave. And the husband guy is like, I don't want to leave. We have eight children. And Melanie's like, okay, let's not leave then. Ha ha ha. He's like, maybe the crew wants us to go. These people have no idea how much the crew hates their guts. And I'm so excited for them. It's such a gift to these families when they get to watch themselves on TV and realize they're not the heroes of the story, because they all think they're gonna be. Everyone hates you, and you earned it, Melanie.

So I hope you enjoy the rest of your life being that fucking asshole on the low deck. Who brought you? Who brought you? My dream, I just always want to watch these shows with the charter guests, because I always think that they, I think they always think they're like beloved

and then they watch the show back and they're like, wow, they hated us. I just always want that to see like, do they feel that way or are they just like laughing at their own terrible behavior? Right? No, I don't think they're laughing. I just want to see their shape.

I think they're mortified. I think they might be laughing and smiling until the Instagram comments start coming in. And think they're laughing. I just wanna see their shape. I think they're mortified. I think they might be laughing and smiling until the Instagram comments start coming in. And then they're like, oh my God, they really hate us. So now that everyone lines up to say goodbye and Freezer's like, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby, give me a hand. Well done, no comments. It's like, thank you.

No, I mean, like I don't want any more comments from you. Please be quiet for the rest of the seats and thank you so much. That wasn't a compliment. It was a request. Thank you. So Jill's like, oh, we had so much fun. Thank you so much.

Captain, I hope I'm not hard work. And for everybody I taught a little something to, you're welcome. I would just like to thank you for coming to the Jill Zarin Academy. Now go forth and serve the world nugget ice. Okay. Now you know how to do things. Thank you for coming to my TED talk. I just want to say, Bethany, she could never, and I hope you all have a wonderful

day. No phrases like I've never wanted guests in the shitter more than these. So Melanie's like, Oh my god, thank you guys so much. I know it might be hard that I just, you know, maybe don't like fish occasionally, but sometimes I do. Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I mean, if it's cooked, did I mention that if it's cooked, it's okay. Don't like raw fat. Melanie, let's go. Please don't make me go back to those children. Please. So now, we're back in the galley

and Frazier's talking to Barbie. And he's like, what happened? She goes, nothing. It's like, okay. And then captain calls up and he's like, Anthony, Anthony Carey, Carrie come to the head. Miss his office. Oh, making it sound like we're joking, but you're going to have a hard time right now.

All right, mate. I'll tell you straight. Dinner service with bullshit is appalling. My food was called and Jill's errands with cold, cold. Sorry from the dock. I know you're talking about it. Just like, it's cold, still cold from putting it in the pad toy last night. I know you're talking about it. Just my name's called still cold from putting it in the pad So I last night just wanted to pass that on. Okay, I'll leave now. I'll wait. I'll wait

I'll wait you guys get in the uber. I'll wait here on the dock. I'll see you back in New York I'll take the next plane. Don't worry about me Absolute bullseye and then I say to guess without food. What the fuck? And then I see two guests without food. What the fuck? Well, I was really, really bad at trying to find the best solution for making this dinner amazing. Then I was mad and upset at myself because I could not save it and I wanted to call mommy, but I could not do it.

And then the chef is so sad. What a sad figure. He's like, he reminds me of that moment when I was younger because it's good I was such a loser. And I can still remember my teacher telling me, you are such a loser. On a loser, die loser. Geez, bro. It was like a sushi mistake. It's going to be okay. Jolin's like, yes, you may have been told you were looser, but at least someone probably told you looked good when you were growing up. But now you can do push-ups, right? And be hot. You can be hot and have lots of people hit on you, right?

At least you're not fat anymore. Yeah, because that's a storyline of his too, that he used to be chubby and he lost a lot of weight. This is like a very calorie aware season below deck, because that's the storyline of two people now. This is the problem with food culture is that we're breaking people's souls and sending them off to see where they're failing. So- You mean diet culture? Diet culture. Yeah,, culture, still great. Diet culture is great. Diet culture, just destroying these techies. You're welcome. I started that, you know, there wasn't a diet culture before me.

Go, Joe. I'm waiting. I'm waiting for my taxi. I'll wait. So now Frazier's talking to Barbie. Oh my god, the taxi just got here. You guys aren't gonna believe this. Guess what the taxi is. It's cold. It's cold. It's actually a giant diet coke can on wheels. Thank you, Bobby, for having your dad hook me up with that. So Frazier's like, Bobby, are you okay? You seem down.

She goes, I just had like a really rough day, like, man down, like so much work. Yes, but just tell me what you're going through because the alternative is me just thinking you're in a bad mood with me and that's not conducive towards my team. Yeah. And she's like, well, okay, but like meditating at the beach. I mean, you guys could have told me you were going to meditate. Okay. And then I see Zandy at the bar and I'm like, I'm up till two 30 in the morning. And she's like sitting at the bar meditating.

It's like meditate sitting. And he's like, what, what are you talking about? Right. Okay. Listen, I was at the bar cleaning and she had clocked off. So you also weren't talking yesterday. So it couldn't have just been that. And she's like, well, I was like scared to communicate with you, obviously.

I mean, it was like really hard to communicate with you. But I can't deal with the no eye contact. I can't deal with it, Bobby. But I've been better. Like I've been better than I have been. I mean, I've been like a lot better, right? But it's like you flipped a switch and it feels like your finger's on the switch

getting ready to flip it right now. Stop flicking it, stop the black, lights on, lights off, lights on. I can ready to flip it right now. Stop flicking it. Stop the black and lights on lights off lights on lights. I can't do this. I'm like a parakeet. You keep sending me to sleep and waking me up over and over and over again. Ding dong, ding dong, ding dong, ding. Jill Zarin has broken Barbie.

All work no play makes Barbie a Jill Zarin. So Dylan meanwhile is upstairs with the deckies and he's like, we should take off our shirts and flex our backs at each other and see who has the biggest back. So they do that. And now it's time for the tip meeting. What are you gonna say?

I just said awful. I just muttered awful. It really is. I mean, I say it every time, but it's not it's just not hot because it requires so much effort. I need it to look effortless. I know it's not effortless, but it needs to look effortless. Like you've heard never let them see you sweat, right? You need to do that more because right now it's just gross and that goes for you too, Amir. Okay, and

everybody else. I don't watch work workout on Bravo. I don't want to see how much, how to mirror. I love Amir's personality. So like he remains hot, but Dylan, it's like, the, the speed with which he went from being hot to just like unbearable is record. Like I don't know. We've seen a lot of hot. Yeah, hot to squat. From hot to twat in like five seconds. We've seen a lot of hot guys on this network that like eventually were like, oh, we could never.

But his was just like, it was like a one second transition. Yeah. Okay, so tip meeting adventure. So I think in this chart, I've got a few, I feel like after this chart, I've gone a few rounds with my toys and I'm all right there. All right there. Anyone missing part of the ears?

God, I love that. All right, let's open the envelope. It's 20 grand, the cheapest guests we've had all season. Of course. So it's all, it's quiet. We got a sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss a sssssss, like a sad sssss. It's like a half a sss, cause it's like not enough money to fund the full sss from the tip. So-

Yeah, I'm really glad, man, about Moderna money. Fuck off, lady, Melanie. What's her name? Melanie. Melanie. Melinda. Melanie Moderna. So Kyle's like, where's tip so far?

But it's still a lot of money. I've been trying to get money back together to travel because I've just found out I've got Native American heritage. My mom found out through DNA testing. She's got Comanche and Chippewa and we've got a huge family in Montana. We've met on Skype. I'm going there for two years to live with them.

I'm like, wait. Who? What? What is this AI generated backstory that just dropped in the middle of this episode? Like what? That was an entire spin off of Yellowstone in two seconds. And then it's over. I need no more. Here's what I know. Here's what I've learned from this story. Don't do a DNA test. I mean, look at your whole life is just turned right upside down. Like you're going to Montana for two. Why did you go to the United States?

You know there's no yachts. There's no yachts in Montana. He misread yurt for yacht or something. Yeah, that was wild. Okay, so tomorrow they get their day off thing where they go to a resort. So that's exciting. So now, Fraser, of course, is blaming the chef for the whole tip, which I think sucks. I think the chef probably had part

to do with that. But service fucked up that huge order. You didn't manage expectations at all. And you didn't charm any, literally any of the guests ever. So I don't leave my chef alone. Okay. He's contemplating his life choices over there. Just get off his ass. Brian Luzer, die Luzer. Die Luzer. So, so now Zandi and Fraser are talking and Yeah, this is where Fraser's basically throwing what's his face under the bus. So then Sonny's cleaning and Ben hugs her from behind,

which just, even though it's consenting, it just feels gross to me. And then Fraser and Kyle are talking, or Fraser's with Kyle and Barbie is, she's just, I'm sorry, Barbie's with Kyle. And Barbie's like, I'm like getting ready to skedaddle on out of here. And Kyle's like, no, mama didn't raise no quitter.

Did we get a song? I got swagger, nobody else in the room matter. She's like, I'm gonna quit. I know. That sucks. She's got so much swagger being the heir to a- So they're getting ready to go. I'm sorry, what was your last part? What's that? She's got so much swagger being the heir to a Coca-Cola or a Magnate.

So they're getting ready to go. I'm sorry, what was your last part? I said she has a lot of swagger being the heir to a Coca-Cola or a Magnate. Yeah, hell yeah. So then the chef is like, basically they're all getting ready to go out and the chef is very sad inside.

He's like ready to party, but he's super sad because everyone knows he's a loser. And then he puts on sunglasses and buttons, his shirt down to his belly button, to which I say, stop trying to bullshit me and secure people don't do that. You know, I'm good for you. I'm glad you're not as bad as you're acting.

So they get into bands and praises like, I'm going to ruin someone's life tonight. Hopefully Bobby's. And Dylan's like, good energy, good energy. And we're like, shut up going to ruin someone's life tonight. Hopefully Bobby's. And Dylan's like, good energy, good energy. And we're like, shut up, please go away. And they're at the restaurant and they're just like talking and they're like ordering, etc. And then there's like someone hot who starts walking up and it's like we see blonde hair. It's like hot blondie. We see her from behind. We see her legs.

She's walking up. Who is it? Is it Camille? It's not. Thank Jesus. It is someone Fraser knows. Cause he's like, wait, are you? Oh my God.

I know Paris. And it's a girl named Paris. And it turns out she used to date a guy named Jake, who is a deckhand from two seasons ago. Who the fuck is this guy? We covered that season, right? Remember Jake with the handlebars and he was sort of, he hooked up with Fraser.

By the way- He hooked up with Fraser? Well, they kissed or something in the band or, you know. What? Yeah. How do I not remember a gay kiss from the show? Because we didn't really, we sort of petered off the season.

That was when there was that like bleach blonde girl who chiefs do, who said the N word. And it was not a good season. Oh God, that was like the Kate replacement? Was that the Kate? She was the second Kate replacement. And she was the one who every time a guest asked for something, she goes, my pleasure.

Yes, yes, yes. Oh yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, I just Googled him. I remember him. I was thinking of a different handlebar guy. Yeah, by the way, I just realized who the Paris reminds me of. I had said Claire Danes, but maybe she's like

a touch of Claire Danes mixed with Melora Hardin. Oh, who's that? Melora Hardin. She was on The Office. She's a character actress. If you look her up, you'd recognize her. Melora Hardin. Yeah. Oh gosh, I spelled her name. So Melora, Melora. Okay, go on with the recap. No one needs to wait for me to Google. Okay. No, she's Claire Danes all the way to me. I just couldn't.

No, Melora for you. I'm gonna give some Melora in there. So Fraser is like, oh my God, she used to work with a friend of mine and she's the ex, which means that she's gold. I'm like, she's the ex? Well, shouldn't that mean that she's not gold? Or is she gold because you don't like your friend? I feel like it should be the person who's actively dating your

friend is the one who's gold. But if there's an ex situation, not gold. I don't know how that works. I don't date. So then Paris is like, on period, I'm a so stupid as in Pith. I'm funny at going and I love mayonnaise. Oh, love it. And then they show her just like shoving mayonnaise on things and shoving it down her face in the diary room and her hands are covered in it. I'm not sure who told her this was gonna be a great intro for Below Deck, but I was like, please die in your sleep.

But I first thought I was like, please die. But then I loved her for the rest. I love her. I think she's great. I'm like, she's great. And but I also think she thought she was auditioning for Love Island because she's like, you know, I say what's on my mind because I don't have any serotonin or happiness left. So I want to stay the part and regain some of that happiness back to people suffering. It's not really true. I'm not evil. I promise. I'm like, you know, this is below deck. None of this is going to matter, right? Pete Slauson Yeah, I kind of liked, that's when I instantly liked her, but she was still covered in mannies. I don't know. I don't know how I felt about it.

So then, Ben is in love. He's like, oh my God, like he's staring at her like, wow. And he's like, where are you from? And she says, Perth. And he's a gold coaster. And she goes, oh, noise. And he's like, ha ha, ha ha, she said noise. Isn't that hilarious? It's like a thing. It's an us thing. Can you marry me? And Sunny's like, oh wow, you're dark dead gorgeous.

And Ben's like, yes, she's an Aussie. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, oi, oi, oi, am I right? So now Summer, Sunny is like, she's insecure, no surprise. So then Ben wants, goes and smokes with Kyle. And- I feel like Summer at least knows and doesn't try and hide it. She's like, that girl's gorgeous.

They have stuff in common. And I'm definitely worried because Ben's gonna like her. Oh shit. There's no like, I don't mind. I'm just I'm just cool. Like, what do I care? It's none of that. She's like, right. He probably wants to bang her and I'm gonna slit his throat. Yeah, but that's also why you should not should not have gone crawling back to Ben because he's obviously the person that does this. So, you know, so Barbie's like, huh, you look strong and not just arms, like emotionally, you look like you can take it.

She's like, take it? I mean mayonnaise, sure, love some. No, the job. I thought you're going somewhere else with that. Again, mayonnaise. So what happened? So then Ben and Kago talk about the hottie as they smoke cigarettes and Sunny just looks fucking miserable. It's

like she can hear them, you know, even though she can't. But she's like, Oh, my God, they're probably talking about how hot this girl is. So then Fraser is immediately gossiping with Paris and he's like, Oh, so here's what's going on. And in summer been vibing Bobby needs to die, die horribly. Here's what I hope for. I hope you have a wonderful time on this charter. Also, I hope that a bus comes and runs Bobby's face over not just her midsection, just her face so she can live with how ugly and

stupid she is. She's like, Oh, well, I just go here. Sure. Okay. So meanwhile, Barbie's talking to Anthony and she's like, I feel like much better right now. And he's like, well, talk to me. We are on the same boat. You know, Captain Goldmein said you're terrible. I'm like alone in my department every day. She's like, yeah, I'm not really talking about your problems. It's really about my problems right now. So whatever you're saying, I wasn't really listening. Bye. You know what they say, bon loser, die loser. Okay, wow. You're a loser. Is there anybody else to talk to? This is sad. So now they're all in their vans going back and Paris is like, you know what? I've been all over. It's been daunting joining a crew. You don't know

anything about, you know, you don't know who's a beach, you don't know who's bad at their job, you don't know who else loves mayonnaise. It's almost like the first day of May at school. Tsh, tsh, tsh, tsh. So she loves doing laundry, which is all anyone really needs to hear, right? Which is also a lie, by the way. It's the biggest lie,

because Stu's always say this. Zandi even said it, and now when Paris says, I love doing laundry, Zandi's like, oh, thank God. They always hate it. They always hate it no matter what they say. Yeah. Zandi even said it and now when Paris says, I love doing laundry, Zandi's like, oh, thank God. They always hate it. They always hate it no matter what they say.

Yeah. I think it's just preferable to the other stuff, you know, but it's still a hateable job. So then Ben and Barbie go to the bath, not Ben and Barbie, yikes, Ben and Summer go to the bathroom to fuck and Barbie goes to knock on the door. She's like, oh, yeah, it's for and Barbie goes to knock on the door.

She's like, oh, we need to throw a make it happen, you guys. Are you meditating in there? Come on. Yeah. Give me a tampon. So she winds up sort of cock blocking. And then Kyle and Barbie are like gonna share a room, but Kyle has to sleep down on the bottom and everything.

And yeah, everyone goes to sleep. So now it's the morning. Basically beach day, right? So, um, Ben is talking to Paris about growing up in Perth. And so I grew up in the country. We've got two kangaroos with colors on. They've got a kid now. It's crazy.

And Ben goes, aren't they like porcupines? And she goes, yeah, they're like porcupines and you should Google his penis. It's like a foot long. It's crazy. Google it. Google it. Google his penis. Do it. Oh, I, so I was, okay. I was confused. I thought they said, okay, we've got a kid now. I thought they said they also had like some sort of animal called a Kidner that was like a porcupine. I was so confused. Oh, is that what it is? No, I've never heard of an animal called a Kidner.

Kidner, porcupine. Porcupine. Look it up. Nope, there is a kinder surprise nations porcupine DV or there's an echidna. Oh yeah, I've heard of echidna. Oh yeah, part of echidna. I mean, I don't know. So, they are now arriving at the beach resort

and the chef's all alone and sad. And Ben sits down with Barbie and gossips about Fraser. And she's like, I mean, like I like Fraser better because like he's a good guy. She's like, he doesn't really get me. I'm like, do I have feelings? I don't even know around Fraser. You know what I mean? Because he certainly doesn't know. It would just be nice to have some validation, you know? So then Fraser is watching and he's like, I could do without that duo. I know exactly what they're doing. They're talking about mother. I'm mother, by the way, because I'm the chief stew.

I'm mother, by the way, because I'm the chief stew. And I'm a bitch. So Barbie's like, Fraser would like to fire me so bad. And it's not because of my work ethic. It's because of my attitude that I voluntarily put on. And Fraser's like, you know, you have to know this for context, Paris. Barbie was great at her job at first, but the attitude was feral. And Barb is, that goes back to Barbie and she goes, I mean, when your boss is like meditating

and like, I'm doing all the work, it's kind of like, whaaat? And Ben, of course, we know why Ben is there, because he's always trying to work against Fraser, right? He's like, oh, I see you. I see you doing all the work. She's like, yeah, I mean, I don't eat, I don't get breaks. I mean, I haven't even had a Coke and like that paid for my childhood. You know what I mean? And Fraser's like, oh my God, now she's talking about me. You can see her doing it, can't you?

Paris is like, well, listen, I just think some people take criticism hard. He's like, oh God, what we all do. That's no excuse. So she's like, this is awkward because we've talked on the phone, but now I guess that means he's comfortable to just spew bile about other people to me, like yikes. So she's like, she's basically like, I'm like, I've met him like once over the phone. And I understand that like, there's something about me that gay men just respond to. Like I'm sure there's like two gay podcasters somewhere

who just already automatically love me. But I felt like a poster of her in my room already. I was like, can you get this done? It's just funny. There's some women. She has a baby kangaroo. She has like a little bit of an austerity about her. So she's an icon, but she's kind of like,

but I don't know why, like, I don't know. I don't know any of these people. Why are you venting to me? So then Fraser goes over to Barbara because, Hey, what's the goss? What were you and Ben talking about? I'm going to pretend to be kind with you before I go in on you. And she was like, I'm like everything like, you know, he sees like how much I'm working and he's like, you're not really part of your team. And I just like bent to the deck team and everything. It's like, good for you, but we can't move on from it, we can't move on. So it's basically like, why aren't you venting to me? Like this is a problem.

Yeah. And that's why she's not venting to you though. You know? Yeah. She's like, I don't feel safe with you. I don't feel like you like, like you want things and like you, I just feel like you don't own things and I feel like you dismiss my feelings. He's like, no, that's ridiculous. I don't know if you want to hear that ever again. I don't, of course I don't dismiss your feelings. So I'm, let's not even address that going forward.

Listen, class on your feelings is dismissed. Can I dismiss the class on your feelings? I just, I don't want to talk about it anymore. All right. And I just don't understand why you don't open up to me. But now that you have, you're working with me. And she goes, you mean working for you? He goes, yes, actually. So I don't need to know what you're going through.

You're working for me. And if you don't like it, you can fuck off. And I was like, whoa. And Summer is kind of watching this as she eats down the beach and she starts cracking out. Cause it's so blatantly just gross and unprofessional. This isn't cool. You shouldn't do this.

And also, don't harass the girl on her day off. If she wants to go talk about you, she has every right to go vent about her boss. But then for you to come up and be like, tell me, well, actually I'm your boss, bitch. It's like, no, you don't get to do that. This is gross. He's acting like he's in high school.

He's acting like he's finally been given some power as a popular girl in high school, and he needs to cut the shit. You're supposed to be the boss, not head cheerleader. Cut it out. Yeah, I think he should have said, whatever, I will deal with this not on our day off. But that being said, I think it's hilarious

that we spent so many below deck recaps saying like, what's since when to, like you're there to do your job? What is this about getting you? When is it about getting you? And then Frazier basically says, I'm the boss. It's not up to me to have to get you. You have to do the work. And we're like, how dare you say that to her.

But he's chasing her around the beach. She's like, if she came to him and was like, here's my feelings, you dismiss me, then that's's one thing but she's not she's venting to somebody else and he is like you're not opening up to me I see you talking to everybody said just open up to me and then she does and he's like telling her off like you Can't have it both ways if you don't want her to be opening up around her feelings Then don't run after her if she ignores your work who cares? She's doing her job, you know He should have just let it be. Like he should have like- Yeah, your feelings are the ones that are hurt and that matter the most here.

And it shouldn't be about your feelings. The girl's doing her damn work. Yeah. So, you know, he walks off and she says, you know, I can't speak to him. He doesn't listen. If I speak up, I'm a bitch. If I don't, I'm passive aggressive.

Which is a bind that people are in quite a lot. Although I do think like it's, you're'm passive aggressive, which is a bind that people are in quite a lot. Um, although I do think like it's, you're also passive aggressive because you're passive aggressive. Like we're all watching it. So, uh, Barbie is, uh, so she's like, Oh, come on. Like Fraser, stop doing this. Like stop being a zone. I love you. She goes, well, you don't act like it. You're such a horrible person when you don't want to speak to anyone. You don't have eye contact. You're rude, you're horrible,

and you're not someone to work with. See, I mean, that's just so unprofessional. I just feel like you're the parent in the situation. And... Barbie, don't you realize we now have a gay icon on the staff now? You have to bring up your game. And then, of course, Barbie is like,

oh, so that means you want me to go? Is that what you're saying? You want me to go? And he's like, no, I just want you to understand how it works. Welcome to how it works. Like if you can do it, fantastic. If you can't do it, fantastic. And she goes, okay, cool.

So she walks off and starts crying. And then the chef is going, he's like alone on a floaty. He just, it's like the chef on the live alone, die alone floaty. And he's like, I am disappointing captain. I'm disappointing everyone. I'm chef for four years. I'm still learning. Every restaurant is different.

And there's a guy in restaurant with sauce. There's a guy in restaurant with cleaning dish. Me, I'm this guy inside me all by myself, but I promise young me fat little me. I said, one day you will wear Capri pants and you will make good pasta. I cannot lie to chubby me. Okay. So now Zandy's talking to Dylan and Sunny and then he's like, so I'm not being mean to anyone on this boat, but I need a man. And Sonny is like, well, do you think you and Ben could have had that thing? She's like, no, no, no, I'm not desperate enough to be with Ben. Like, I mean, who would lower their standards to be with someone like,

oh, I'm sorry, Sonny, you're right there. I really should be careful about what I say, but no, I need someone who's older, someone who knows what they want, not just some fuckboy who looks sort of like a Disney character. No, I need something better than that because it's really pathetic to go after someone like that. Again, I keep forgetting you're right there. You're right there, Sonny. Sorry. Sonny, could you go five seconds without your glaring insecurities spewing all over everybody else? My God. She's like, yeah, I need to get laid. Oh, really? You want to fuck Ben? Did you? Would

you have fucked Ben? Pretend it's an alternate? You want to fuck Ben? Did you would you fuck Ben? Like, okay, pretend it's an alternate timeline. You're fucking Ben right now. Do you like fucking Ben? How's that going for you? Oh, really? You're fucking Ben? Really? You want a fucking piece of me? Bitch? Come on, bitch. It's like Sonny, you're not dating Idris Elba. Relax. It's Ben. Okay, let's all calm down. Exactly. So now Paris is

accidentally yanking my earplugs out. In a very passionate, sunny impersonation. Very rare impersonation, no, sorry. So now Paris decides to go check in on Barbie and Barbie's crying. She's like, I'm fine. I'm sorry, Paris. I'm fine. I'm fine.

No, you're not. Listen, as the owner of two kangaroos, I'm fine. I'm sorry, Paris, I'm fine. I'm fine. No, you're not. Listen, as the owner of two kangaroos, I can always tell when a creature is sad. No, I'm fine. Okay? I just have all these issues with Frasier, but it's fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

No, you're not. Let's get drunk. So Barbie's like, I mean, I just have all these issues with Frasier. It was like very difficult. It was like he doesn't even care. I have fear. And she's like, would you like a beffritin? That always helps.

So then Fraser goes up to bitch to Ben about it, which by the way, Ben's not your friend. He's gonna totally use this against you. But he's like, well, I just want an interior I can work with. And he's like, but isn't there any wonder folk? Maybe that'll help. Stop fucking an underling, bro.

So the Barbie is still talking to Parrish because we just have like two different styles where I'm like a rich person who's like pretending to be like a servant and he is an actual servant. It's just like weird. And she's like, different look styles. No, it's just like personal. We just like don't get each other.

Like, well, you know, everyone has their triggers and all I think, you know, resolution is if you can communicate without triggering your defensiveness but we can't communicate without triggering each other. That's the problem. And she's like, yeah, I think we're just all drama queens in this situation. All right, now let me tell you who's a real drama queen. A baby kangaroo doesn't get his way.

He'll smack you right in the face with his dick. It's about foot long. Have you Googled it? It's the craziest shit you'll ever Google. Yeah. Don't get on the wrong side of Camila Parker Bowles. That's the name for one of our kangaroos. So we had that because he kept throwing balls at us.

The craziest kangaroo. We also wanted to give it some identity issues. Okay. So Fraser is like, I am done after that conversation. I have absolutely had it with that. And so he's like, I give people so many chances. What are you talking about? You tried to fire her ass the first day

and the captain went nuts. That's true, that's true. It's like, you know what? Two strike, you know, first strike was her existing. Second strike was her coming her hair. Third strike, you off the boat. Simple. You know what I've learned? You have to pull the kill cord a lot earlier.

And Ben's like, oh, I think you're taking a little too far. But this was also your second strike, sir, because you've lost one employee already, who granted did have some emotional stuff going on, but you certainly didn't help with any of that. And now you've got another one. So do you really want two employees leaving on one of your first seasons as chief steward, going on, but you certainly didn't help with any of that. And now you've got another one. So do you really want two employees leaving on one of your first seasons as Chief Stu?

Or is this his first season? This is his second season as Chief Stu, right? Or is it his first? It's his second season. Second, because you had to deal with Camille. So now we see Dylan trying to flirt with Paris. He's on the hunt, you know. He just said it was his second.

God, I'm an idiot. I'm sorry, Ben. Go ahead. I'm going to be quiet in the spot. So Dylan is trying to flirt with Paris and he's like, you know, it's funny, you're named Paris and you're from Australia. You should have been named crocodile or crocs. How about that? And Paris is like just looking at him like, you know, on the Gayo con. I'm going to banish you. I'm going to banish you to having the highest profile woman in your life being Katie Maloney.

Good luck. She goes, are you joking? And he's like, do you like Steve Irwin then? And she's like, what kind of question is that? He's a national Twitter. He goes, well, I grew up watching him on Discovery Channel. That should count for something, right? Right?

You can't say something, can you? And she goes, I'm just trying to figure out how that gives you a whole pass for being so cringe. So what's cringe? I mean, if Steve Irwin was right here right now, he'd be like, crikey, that's cringe, mate. Could you imagine Steve Irwin would actually be embarrassed for you? She's like, that guy's gorgeous. But goddamn, how unfuckable is that guy? Oh my God. So Dylan's like, well, I was like, everything's Gucci in unfuckable is that guy? Oh my God. So Dylan was like, well, I was like everything's Gucci in the world. And I looked down and my right knot was out.

I was like, oh, high five, ow! It was my knot, it was a lower five and it also hurt. I forgot nuts don't have hands. I mean, if he was on mute, I think he'd get more action. Jesus Christ, could you just get out of my face? This is really ruining my brand right now. I'm just what everyone wants to hear. I think you've got salad on your teeth.

Wow, his game is really strong. So now Ben comes over and Paris is like, oh, look, it's Mr. Floyd Fighter. Did you put the Floyd around? He's like, well, I tried. And then he starts to talk to her and he puts his hand right on her knee, which I was like, what is going on here?

Like this is a I feel like it's inappropriate just in general to do that. And B, you're doing it within sight of Sonny. And yes, you and Sonny may not be official. You may not be exclusive, but it's hella disrespectful no matter what. Not only that, that's I also just think it's like a strange, scathing personal space issue with Paris. I just think it's totally inappropriate, especially because he is again, technically, a superior to her, even though they're in different departments. And I don't want to hear this. Oh, I do it with everybody. You don't do it with the dude.

You don't do it with anybody. You're not going to fuck. You're trying to fuck. Right. So I don't want to hear that. That's a bunch of crap. It's gross. It's not professional. It's skeevy. He's a skeeve ball. You know, I think our read on him is absolutely correct. He's gross. He is.

So, um, he's like, thank you so much for, for trying to chat about, about things with her because, you know, things are so difficult on the boat and Sonny sees this and Paris is like, I just want to make sure it's okay. And she kind of pats him and then he takes her arm. It's like, oh God, and Sunny sees it and goes, oh God. And just to remind her, Sunny's still with Ben, from what I understand. Yeah, it's just, it's respectful.

Get some practice standards, please. And she's like, I don't think you should touch other people. Like these are the conversations I wish I'd have been. Like if you want to be like, if you want, if people want to be in your life, they'll be in your life. They don't, they can fuck off like sayonara, bye bye. And I don't know why it cracked me up at the time that she's just getting angrier and angrier.

And she's just on this, this Jurassic park dinosaur floaty, but she just starts to like get pissed and she's on on this Jurassic Park dinosaur floatie. But she just starts to get pissed and she's on this dinosaur like, ugh. So she's like, this man that I'm with is touching another woman? That makes me uncomfortable. Jealous, uncomfortable, scary, mad disrespect. So she's pissed.

So now Paris is talking to Fraser about how Barbie's upset. And she's like, I think you guys might be so upset because you're really similar, you know? And he's like, oh God, I hope I'm not similar to her. Awful, what a terrible thing to say, I thought we were friends. So Barbie's, now they're getting changed

to go out to dinner. So Barbie's like calling her mom, she's sobbing. And she's like, mom, I think I don't wanna give up, I wanna come home right now. And her mom's like, no, don't give up, don't give up. She's like, please, the nannies are so excited that they have another couple of weeks away from you. We can't lose another one, honey.

She's like, but I want to go home. And then we get to Fraser being like, I'm done. I am sorry, but guess what? I'm Chief Stu and no one. Okay, wow. Wow. It's a huge excitement for you, but you're gonna need to calm it with that.

And Barbie's like, I have an amazing life and I don't need to be around people that don't appreciate me. I feel like if I got, this is not for me. Welcome to the circus. So we'll have to see if she's actually gonna leave, but that'll be for the next episode. Well, wow.

What a wild ride. What a fun show. Everybody, thanks so much for being here for Below the Heck, okay? Tickets for Crappin's Live in Europa, in Los Angeles in May, all on sale right now. Watch at crappins.com. This Patreon video, all of our Patreon videos,

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