Watch What Crappens - #2388 The Valley Part 1: I RepubliCAN’T

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

The Valley gang goes to a charity “gala” and Kristen gets told off a lot because she called someone a…wait for it…REPUBLICAN. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

What What Crappens? Hello and welcome to What What Crappens, a podcast for broken little birds who need to be mended and fixed from the inside out. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How are you?

You know, I'm so great, Ben. I just spent four hours of my life watching Vanderpump Villa on Hulu television day. I love man tears. I really do. Lisa Vanderpump's new show on Hulu. So my life has changed. I'm a different person now. Wow. I had a very similar experience. I just ate a breakfast burrito. Totally the same thing. We probably both let out a huge burp after. Exactly, just a whole bunch of things that are bad for me are wrapped up and put into my mouth.

Yup, always better with carbs attached. Yeah. You know, both of those things. Yeah, I was watching that show, I woke up for some reason at six in the morning craving vape. Isn't that weird? I quit vaping a long time ago, I feel like,

last year or something. And I, well, it feels like a long time, I guess a year is not that long. And then recently I've been smoking vitamin vapes. I got like two vitamin vapes because I saw them on Facebook. I woke up, I guess, craving vitamin B. I don't know what it is. It's

so weird. So I'm finding my nails a lot. I'm trying to get over that. Why am I telling you that? I don't know. This is very confessional, but I like it. But it wasn't drugs. And then I watched Vanderpump Villa to make myself feel better. You're like, this morning, I only want to be around things that start with the letter V. You're like, I'm craving vape and I want to watch Vanderpump Villa and I'm going to have some vanilla after this and I might go and rent a van. Yeah. Well, we're just talking a lot this week and I think I'm just at the point where I'm like,

hi, everybody, woke up wanting to do heroin, but I didn't do it. Okay, let's get on with the show. So, I'm- A little bit of a desiccated husk. The reason I watched Vanderpump Villa is because we are going to be taking that show on, on our Patreon, because you guys have been asking for it. Now, is that a promise we're gonna do every episode?

No, of course not. We don't know, maybe it's absolute shit. I loved it by the end, but who knows? Ben hasn't watched it yet. No promises, but next week we begin with a large Preview of the first four episodes in the cast and then we're going to do a full Recap of episode number five. So join us on patreon for that. That's also where you get these videos. Hi It's also where you get I don't know

Dick it's Ben's day of you get, I don't know, dick. It's Ben's dick page. You get dick. It's the only thing. Yeah, my dick pic. Go to watchforpurpose.com to see a pic of my dick. Will it be erect or will it be a limp after I watch Vanderpump Villa? That's gonna be for you to check out. Well, I can guarantee you one thing.

You will not have an erect penis after watching. I enjoyed it. It was not for an erect penis after watching. I enjoyed it. It was not for any erectile reasons. If anything, it's going to cause some dysfunction. So this is what I imagine Vanderpump Villa is going to be. I feel like it's going to be a lot of scenes of Lisa's staff serving poached salmon over like a spring mix to guests. I feel like that's going to be the whole show and then like some petty squabbling.

The chef is shockingly talented. There are actually two of them. There's a chef and a sous. Their food is gorgeous. I was very surprised that they actually are delivering on quality somewhat and as Ben kills a fly. You see, that's how we roll over here.

I'm like, this is the classiest show. So that's my CC. But it is a Lisa Vanderpump production. I mean, there's there are flowers, there are roses, there are thousands of dollars of roses everywhere. And there are things called like croquet and class or like, I don't know, everything's pink. It's like, we're going to play Jenga, but it's painted pink, you know, shit like that. Um, and then she does is the thing where she hires misogynistic, horrible, worried, ragey, cokehead men that

abuse the women. But then she's like, we can't act like that. Cause you know, her favorite thing to do is to baby terrible men. So she's got that. Uh, but it also has like a lot of really good girl power and stuff. And the men are definitely the villains. Like the two much you smell assholes are definitely the ones you want to see murdered by the end. So I mean, all in all, it's pretty fun. Okay, well, do we see Pandy lurking behind her mother wearing a little shawl around her shoulders?

We have not seen that little Pashmina kind of, you know, fluffing by. And a little by. A little Nashville hat. You know, that's Pashmina. That's Pandy's look. She's like, I'm modest, so I don't show my shoulders and I wear a little hat. And I have my bangs in front of my eyes, so that's why you don't see them. No, but Vanderpump has lots of terrible hats. Like she's really leaned into her like just old lady, non-matching fashion.

As long as it's pink, she'll throw it on next to something else that's kind of pink. So it's a whole thing. We're gonna take that journey next week, but just to give you a preview of what that's like, Ben. Okay, and then we're gonna go on a huge, giant 19 city European tour. Just kidding, it's like two,

but we're going to Dublin, London, and Birmingham in May. And we're also gonna be in Los Angeles in May. So go get tickets at watchwhatcrappens.com. We're so excited to be out, even if it's only for a month. We're seeing places we have never seen before. Yeah, we are doing, we are seeing places and going to things that we never thought we'd be doing and it's going to be wild. We'll be all over this, the continent. And, uh, if you see us say hi, just, you know, if we're on the side of the road, just hitchhiking, just trying to get to like, you know, wherever we need to go, just, you know,

just to your two friendly podcasts or friends, just give us a ride. Please save us. Just please ask us, are you an O'Toole? Oh yeah. We definitely have to do that when we're in Ireland. Just ask people, imagine people like, yes, I am an O'Toole? Are you an O'Toole? Oh yeah, we definitely have to do that when we're in Ireland. Just ask people. Imagine people like, yes, I am an O'Toole. It's like, oh, are you related to Mecham King Edmonds? Yes, I am. Oh, okay.

Wow, we're having really good luck on this trend. So I think that's what she said too, actually, right? I'm having really good luck. So let's get into the Valley, this mess of a show. It's so good. This is what we have to look forward to. I suppose in 10 years, the Vanderpump Villa is a success. We'll see them all in the San Fernando Valley at some point. They're like, I used to live in France.

Now I'm here. On Woodman Avenue. So we're in this fight. They're all still fighting at their Capri party. Um, and for those who need some context, uh, the controversy was that Janet told Zach that Michelle is a Republican and possibly racist, although apparently the real story is she said, no, I didn't like that Janet was in favor of don't say gay laws, which is hilarious. Like that's supposed to soften the blow. And then-

I hate black people. I hate black gay people. And so then Zach went and told Kristen and Kristen at some moment said like verbalized this and then at the party at girls night Brittany announced that Kristen had announced this and now Michelle is mad at Kristen for opening up her mouth and Saying the R word she didn't say the R words Because there were two R words. She said the R word So that's that's where we're at right now. And now Kristen has tried to apologize at the Capri Sun party And by try to apologize he means did not apologize apologize at all. Because that's that's how Christian

rolls. Sorry, you did this. Sorry, Zach did this. Okay. So Jesse is screaming at everyone right now. He's like, I swear to God, you shut the fuck up right now, Chris. And looks like you apologize. You don't come at my woman. I'm a man. You don't come at my woman." And then Michelle's like, you should go. And Janet's like, bye now. Bye. Janet who every, by the way, spoiler alert, in two seconds, they try and pin everything on Janet, which is also really funny. So then Michelle is like, you know what? That face right there, that's why no one feels sorry for you, Kristen. And then we see Kristin's face and she's doing this. She's doing that like bobblehead thing on like a dashboard where she's

just like nodding, but also shaking her head, but also inside burping where she's like, yeah. Because now you're trying to make it seem like you're the victim, but you know what you're doing. You have made me a victim. I am Mexican. I am Persian I am someone who thinks drag queens should not be reading books to children She is first of all Mexicans and Persians can still be racist okay, I don't know if there's a chart somewhere that we need to all go over about who can and who can't be racist but Mexican Persians fall into the can-be-racist category. And also, I like that Michelle is a lister of what she is, because she does it later in this episode, too, where she's like, I'm Mexican, I am a Persian, I am a

mother, I am a wife, I am a realtor, I'm a lady who drives a car, I'm a hiker. I am someone who just bought a lean cuisine. I'm a Ross Dress for Less passer-byer. I am still a holder of a Blockbuster card just for old time's sakes. So, Kristen's like, this is all because of him. All because of him. She points to Zach and Zack does his face thing was like Like he's like shocked that he's in trouble. I mean the thing Zack is so sneaky He does not get any shit and he is fully someone to I would say to blame as much as Kristen and so Michelle

She goes and now the fact that I have to have that word and my name associated with it. I was like, again, there were two words. So which is the one that you accepted? Which is the one that you deny? And we never get into that, by the way. Like that one, you don't find that the whole the whole gay parts fine. It's just the the mystery racism. And everyone acts like, Oh, my god, I can't believe that your argument if you want to have the discussion of whether being a Republican makes you a racist or And everyone acts like, oh my God, I can't believe that. Your argument, if you want to have the discussion

of whether being a Republican makes you a racist or not, have that discussion. You guys are on a TV show. But that's what the discussion actually is, but they're also afraid to have that discussion. That it's just like, how dare you even accuse me of being an R word. Which you're right, could mean either Republican or racism

because those words are working in tandem in this argument, but that's the conversation this cast is too fucking weak to have. Have the conversation then if that's what it's going to be. Jesse pretty openly follows Trump and has posted, I saw on Reddit him posting like a Republican thing in 2016, like, I don't know, calling Trump and making comments anti-Biden that are like, oh, really, Biden? If you mean it, if you have a problem with what Trump did, then tell us how you're going

to do it better instead of just telling us you have a problem with it. Something like that. You know, I saw all this shit posted on the internet. So if you're going to be that way and you're going to accuse, you're going to have the Republicans all racist or whatever, have that conversation, but don't just. Like you can't believe someone would have the gall to say it. This is the most ridiculous conversation. And by the way, the most amazing probably of the hilarious. I'm loving it. Well, so Michelle's like,

and now the fact that I have to have that word and my name associated. So she is actually more upset that this has been put on TV than she is about the inherent accusation, you know? And this comes back later in the episode. She is more bothered, and that's why she's angry at Kristen. She's not angry at Janet for saying it. She's not angry at Zach for perpetuating it. She's angry at Kristen because Kristen put it on TV. And by the way, for the record, Kristen didn't even put it on TV. It was Brittany who elicited out who then made a call back to something that happened off camera at girls night. So Kristen is taking the fall for this because you know it's Kristen she literally falls so

it's like she's an easy target and she doesn't have any skills to deal with it I mean honestly and it's so funny because it's reality TV where she's great at being on but she doesn't have the skills to be like so you're mad are you Republican or not because that's all that was said it was said that you're Republican so you probably have some racist views. Because that's what was said. I don't know why no one will just say that. But that's all she needed to say. And then watch this chick go crazy and try and backpedal or tap dance or do whatever her and her husband are going to do. Go ahead. But Kristen doesn't do that. Instead, she's like, because I did this. I can't believe everybody

is betraying me. You know, she has to Kristen out about it and start freaking out. Her head's going to fucking old, just lop off and just start rolling around the ground, just moving so much. I mean, the woman looks like she's a bobblehead on the back of the horse. You know, just like trying to make it out of cobblestone street. I would love to see the inverse of this scene on some show that takes place, like in West Virginia or like, I don't know where like some some red state where there's someone who's secretly like a Democrat. And they're like,

they're like, she is in favor of, you know, drag queens talking, you know, teaching kids. The library. Everyone's like, what? You have to see arguments. Democrat. So you think that drag queens should be given. How dare you say that? That I that I like drag queens reading stories to children in libraries. I'm a realtor. I have to go to work tomorrow. I'm a do you understand?

My life is bigger than this. I have a children and I have a jobs. And guess what? I have to report to them. And if they know, if they think for one moment that I'm liberal, you don't understand what this does to me. You can say whatever you wanna say,

but I still have to wake up and greet people at the Walmart tomorrow. And do you think that's going to be easy when I say, howdy, welcome to the show, turn that fan upside down and they say, fuck you, Mabel? Do you know how hard it is for me not to ask for people's pronouns when they walk into the Walmarts? Just like a closeted, very progressive person. Suppose like, what were you doing last night? I was at my bowling league.

What were you doing? I was at DEI training. I apologize. Ma'am, were you passing out drugs on Halloween? I was not. First of all, it's call of All Saints Day. And second of all, those were Cold Plan B. Okay, I admit it. So anyway, so Michelle is like really pissed at Chris. And Chris is like, I'm fucking sorry. I'm sorry. I raised my voice. Michelle's like, I feel like an asshole that I have to say I'm not a racist. And it's because a crazy person didn't want to feel attacked anymore. So she decided to attack me. So Kristen's like, I'm sorry to both of you that I reacted the way I did and that I even fucking opened my mouth and you

know me. You fucking know me better than you know me. I'm just reliable, grounded, Kristen Doty. My reputation precedes me. Everybody knows I'm just Kristen. Most harmless thing on the earth. By the way, I just called the police and told them that you stole the car. Good luck.

So Michelle's like, I thought I did know you. Michelle is another in a long line of people that Bravo cast that talks like this. Like she is reading her lines off of cue cards. How dare you? I am a Mexican. I am a Persian. Grilled chicken Caesar salad. Michelle, stop reading the crowd services

menu, Michelle. So, Kristen's like, are you joking? I have done nothing but protect you, Michelle. Remember when we went to Whole Foods? You didn't see it, but a cart came barreling towards you, and I jumped in front of it and I stopped it from running into your shin. You don't even know what I do to protect you. This is also so Kristen. You know, I love you. of it and I stopped it from running into your shin. You don't even know what I do to protect you. This is also so Kristen. You know, I love you. That's why I protect you. And everyone's like, what?

What is, what is Christian protecting her from? What could this mean? And Janet's like, um, I would love if they have some sort of like kink that nobody knows about that would be hilarious. Yeah, Janet, wouldn't it? And Danny's like, where's this coming from? And, um, it was like? And Danny's like, Where's this coming from? And he was like, Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, shh. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crap ens

commercial. So they're like, well, she's done a shitty job protecting Michelle, hasn't she? And so Jesse's like, well, she's done a shitty job protecting Michelle, hasn't she? And so Jesse's like, um, Christian, I'm not being an asshole here, but you really need to grow up because you just keep doing the same shit over and over again, expecting a different result. That's like Jesse doing his hair in the morning also, I'd like to add. I have to say, Zach, like, of course the internet's obsessed with Zach's helmet hair, helmet,

toupee wig, whatever you want to call it. Like, and there's all these memes on Twitter about that hairline. It is wild. I mean, don't get me wrong. It is, it is, if that's his natural hair, then that is a, that is a fascinating, um, but it's not, we know it's not a baseball mitt. It's a baseball mitt that fell on his head. But that's not, we know it's not. It's a baseball mitt. It's a baseball mitt that fell on his head. The Koopa Troopa cell. But that being said, I feel like it's distracting away

from Jesse's ridiculous hair because again, he has like the hair pattern of someone who spent many years with like a band that he pulls his hair back with and now when he doesn't have the band, it's like he just has a permanent dent. I have one, I'm saying this as someone who has a permanent dent because of these headphones. My hair now automatically dents back there because of these headphones even after I shower and everything. So, but I can manage it.

Well, wait till you start balding right on the headphone line. That's a fun one. I'm balding right behind it. So yeah. So there you go. Yeah, the things we do guys for love. But yeah, his hair is crazy. I think that Zax is just so far removed from everybody else's cause it's insane. But I finally figured out what would make Zax look work. I think if he wore a fanny pack, it would work.

On his head? No, just a fanny, if he were a fanny pack person, like fanny packs and like high socks. I think it would – he looks like someone's mom – speed walking is what I'm trying to say. He looks like someone's mom at Disneyland. He was like, I don't want – look what I got. This is like a purse, but it goes around your waist so you don't have to carry it. Now I have my license in here. I have the kid's gum in here. I have everything in here. I have keys in here. I have the hotel keys. No one can get to it. If they even tug on it, I can feel them.

I can feel them. You're not going to pickpocket this. I'll tell you that much. Good luck Disneyland. I think he would look, he looks like someone's mom. So I think Fanny pack that would make the whole package complete. I think what he needs is just to walk around with his hands in the shape of little U's so that way he can complete the Lego look because that's basically what the hair is giving. It's giving sort of like the hair

that you stick onto the Lego man. That is the best internet meme about Zack. I think we've all tried to come up with our own. Oh, tons of them, yeah. I haven't seen a Lego man. That's what people are calling him like the Lego man because He's okay, then he should walk around Disneyland with a fanny pack singing everything is awesome Everything is awesome. I told you everything is awesome

I love also his spider-man power Which is that when he talks he thrusts his palm at whoever he's talking to as if he's going to like send out like a web. But unfortunately, all his webbing has been consumed by his hair. Yeah. So Jesse's like, Kristin, you need to change your behavior, says Jess. Shut up, Jesse. So Kristin's like, don't even start with me, Jesse. Don't even start with me, Jesse. Don't even star with me. And Jax is like, we're all attacking one person here, okay?

It's like not cool, guys. Let's just think about who we're attacking here, all right? And then we have Luke doing his Meredith Marks impersonation, which is pretending to leave every two seconds. It's like, okay, you know what? That's it, we're going. Let's fucking go, Kristen.

This is fucking stupid. I'm getting up. This is, come on, love. Okay, I'm just gonna sit down again so I can do that in two more minutes. Okay, wait, that know what? That's it. We're going. Let's fucking go, Kristen. This is fucking stupid. I'm getting up. This is- Come on, love! Okay, I'm just gonna sit down again so I can do that in two more minutes. Okay. Wait, that's time? Okay. All right, Kristen, we're going. We're going. Come on. No, mom. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah. So, um, Zach's like, I'm so sorry, but she was attacking me first!

And Kristen's like, how do you guys, and then, how fucking dare you guys bring up this racist shit too? Do not traumatize a little baby and go, well, it's like Kristen. Someone get Kristen before she dies of SDS, shaking Doty syndrome. Get her. Someone put a belt around her. Jad's like, you brought up the racist shit. This is your fault, even though it was me who first talked about it behind the scenes. But that's fine. It's your fault. And Lucas like, okay, you know what? That's it. That's it. We're out of here. We're out of here. Okay, we're gonna go. Guys, this time, it's for real. We are gonna go.

And so Jesse does that reality show thing where he's like, welcome to the party. And Jasmine's like, oh my God, let me contribute to this show real quick, everybody. I can't, I cannot. Am I the one taking crazy pills here? Cause let me tell you what I can do, none of this. You know why? Can I buy an apostrophe?

Is that for selling Wheel of Fortune? Because I can't, can not equals can't. I can't. Janet says, You know what, the word racist came in when Kristen started talking, not when Michelle climbed into the White House, or the Capitol. So Janet, I was like, trying to remember the name of like, I can't remember Mike Pence's name. So Luke is like, okay, you know what? It came in when you started

talking about Zach, that's the first time racist came up because I heard it on the phone. And you know what? Speaking of phones, I have in a conference call with we are getting out of here right now.com. Excuse me. Goodbye. So Luke's like, no, it came when you started talking about that. And that's the first time racist came up. And guess what? I heard it on the phone.

Luke, would you get a fucking life? Luke, I get like standing up for your girlfriend and stuff, but I feel like Luke is always listening. I feel like every time somebody calls, Kristen's like, get this, I'm going to put it on speakerphone. We can talk about it on our podcast on balance later. And then he just sits there and listens. Because he's that guy that no matter what happens in Kristen's life, he's like, this isn't your fault. And let me tell you why it's not your fault, honey. And then he's like, it's just so hard for you. We get a scene of him doing this later. He's just so that kind of boyfriend, you know? So anyway, we see him doing it right now where he's just like, you're

the one who did it. I was listening on the phone. Okay, well, that's creepy. So then Jack says like, you know, I think there's like an element of truth of what they're both saying. But, you know, look, Janet and I are similar because she likes to spew shit and then she sits back and watches them all tear it down. Yeah, but that's what your wife just did. That's literally what Brittany is doing. And then Jackson and Brittany both get up from the table and start producing.

Yeah, I love how Jackson is just like so proud of what a piece of shit he is, you know? Yeah. He's like, yeah. Well, he's rewarded for it, you know? We're all like, oh my God, Jackson, well, Jackson's show's great. It's like we're rewarders of terrible behavior. Well, the funny thing is that Jackson's probably going to take credit.

He's like, yeah, because to me, the show is good. Just proves I was the number one guy in the group. It's like, actually, what's making this show great, Jackson has very little to do with it. He actually is really comparatively not on the show very much at all. I would argue that this is kind of a christened Jodie vehicle. Yeah. Yeah, actually. I think all the characters are doing kind of their job,

which I'm surprised by because they're such a group of kind of charisma-free people, but at the same time, it's working. It's working. I mean, in general, none of this should be working, but it is somehow. Yeah. So Michelle's like, suck it up, sit down, say you're sorry, and say that no one said that ever. And Kristen's like, well, so you want me to pretend that I made it up? Yes. Pretend to make it up. This is your moment right now. Tell everyone I'm not in our word. So Kristen's like, it's bullshit that I'm the one getting solely attacked right now. Tell everyone I'm not in our word." So Kristen's like, it's bullshit that I'm the one getting solely attacked right now. I repeated some things. I shouldn't have done that. But I repeated what Zach told me and Luke. And Jax is like, first of all, you're not going to win this battle, Kristen, because you never win any battle.

And also just get to the bottom of it with Zach. Just call him out. If he's lying, he's lying. Call him out. Say you're a fucking liar. Come on. have a fight. Do a fight. Come on. He's on the show for a reason. Fight with him. This is like when they made those episodes about Bravo shows. They've done a few of them where they're specials, where they're like production behind the scenes of Real Housewives and they show the producers running around, like chasing Kim Richards through the hotel as she's trying to leave and forcing her to shoot. That's what Jackson and Brittany are both doing.

Jackson's like, Kristen, here's what you need to do. Go call out Zach. Do you think Zach's lying? You should fucking tell him. You should fucking tell him he's lying. Oh my God, do I have something in my nose? God, my teeth are numb. Do you feel your lips? Was it something in the food? And then outside, Brittany's like, you know what you should do? You all need to work this out.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. this out. So Danny and Nia leave because their babysitter is like they're running out time with their babysitter and Nia's like the Ubers is here. We have to go right now. Daniel, come on Daniel. She's like very determined to leave and like, okay, everybody, we got a run. I just wanted to get this out there before we go. Love y'all and 302. 302. Oh yeah, didn't get to give any autographs tonight, but I'd just like to leave you with this. Doing his zombie voice. So now everyone's trying to broker a peace

between Zach and Kristen, because they're sitting off to the side now on the patio and they're gonna talk. And Jack's like, come on, go handle it, say what you gotta say. So Brittany's like, yeah, you guys go talk, I'll figure it out, let's try to figure out what the heck happened so we can move on.

So Kristen's like, Zach, I am so disappointed. And Jack's like, Oh, my God, this is so exhausting. I just want to have a nice dinner and do some shots and get drunk and bitch about my wife. That's it. That's all I want to do. So I'm so disappointed in you, Zach. I don't even fucking know you right now, Zach. Like I understand that it hurt a lot of people, but I am not here to talk about racism again. He's like, Creston, you are trying right now to take a zero responsibility for this. You know what, I've said things to you

and I admitted it on camera. Do you remember I was on camera where I admitted that I said the word Republican. And we have to see a flashback to when they spoke on the phone last week and Zach is like and for that I take full responsibility and I am very sorry but we all said shit behind other people's back so you are not fully to blame I am to blame too and like Zach is doing that thing where he is like squishing his hands down and then pulling out like it's like he's trying to like knead dough in front of his face he's like I said certain things you said certain things

we both said certain things my hands in your face to show that you said something and now I'm pulling dough across my face again to show that I said something." And so, I'm not lying about anything, Zach. He's like, well, we always lash out at the people closest to us. But tonight, what the fuck was that? The table crust sign. What was that? Like, literally, you just steamrolled me. You didn't even go after Janna and Janna's the one who sent the stuff. Chris- I mean Zach it's so funny he's like you steamrolled me when he literally didn't even say anything or at least it wasn't shown on the show like he didn't say

like he didn't he never once said you know what like what Kristen maybe shouldn shouldn't have started but Janet did say these things like cuz he backed up Kristen on the phone Last week and then he was just silent at dinner and just let Kristen just get it from all sides Because she's the one who brought it up in public. So, you know, listen, I'm the same way I'm like I can talk shit to you in public, but then I mean in private But if you go blab that shit I'm sitting back. I had the sense to stay in private. What the fuck are you doing crazy? Well, yeah, and I mean it's it's definitely like a don't shoot the messenger thing I think it was like I'm sure also the fucking messenger. Sometimes the messenger needs to be shot kill him That's how you send your own message

well, I think I can imagine that Kristen thought she was like, like in her mind, you know, after she was like, canceled in 2020 for the things that she did, she's probably thinking like, well, we know, I've learned and have grown. And when we see this behavior, we have to address it spot on and call it out. So she was like, I'm gonna call it out. And they're all like, fuck you, don't do that. Protect her. Protect her. Right. When she should be saying like, it should be, okay, well, I did say that she said that. And she did say that. And then Janet should say, yeah, I said, I found out

Michelle's a Republican, which makes me a little leery, because a lot of Republican views tend to be rooted in racism in some way, shape or form. And I don't know if I'm ready to have that discussion with her. And I don't know how much I can trust her because obviously we're not similar minds. Yeah. I think actually if Kristen had the mindset of like, yeah, I said it and I've lost a lot of respect for you, Michelle. If she had come from that point of view, then Michelle's on the defense. And then Michelle's like, oh my God, like, no, you don't understand. I never said that, but because Kristen's like, I'm sorry, like no, you don't understand, I never said that, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, but because Kristen's like, I'm sorry, I never should have said it, I never should have said it, it gave Michelle all the high ground to be like,

you said that and you ruined my reputation instead of Kristen, you know, Kristen could have had the high ground in this entire conversation. Yeah, she could have, you're right, she should have been on the attack. She should have been like, well, but so are you, so are you Republican,

and you don't consider yourself racist? I mean, she should bring it up. And that would force Janet to have, and then, because then it would have forced Michelle to be like, why do you, like, I never said that. And she's like, well, she said it. She said it, and I've lost total respect for you now because of that.

And then Janet would have been forced to clarify what she said, and then Zach would have been clarified. And Kristen would have come out smelling like, not roses, but like, I don't know, like a traffic median. And, but instead, because she was so determined to get back in the good graces of like, let's face it, the only wealthy people on the show, she had to kiss Michelle's ass.

And Michelle was able to use that to just make Kristen feel like shit. Well, look, we can't expect people to suddenly and Michelle was able to use that to just make Kristen feel like shit. Well, look, we can't expect people to suddenly... I mean, this show celebrates terrible men and rewards them for their behavior. We can't really expect people to go up against Trump. I mean, he's like the ultimate in terrible men who we're rewarding still at this point. He still has a pretty decent chance

of becoming president again. So, I don't really think this is the kind of show that's going to stand up against that. You know, Jax is kind of that for Bravo. He is that. Okay. So anyway, back to this. So, Zach's like, I take full responsibility for not being racist, okay? Lash or outer? So Christian's like, Jason, Jason, you know, I would never do anything to hurt Janet, okay? Like I wouldn't have repeated it to Zach and I shouldn't have even brought it up. I should have just died there.

And Zach's like, thank you, that's all we needed because like I really think that Janet would love to hear what you just said, Kristen. Maybe Janet should hear it. Meanwhile, Janet has been spying. She's been, and by the way, this is so this show, she's standing behind a glass door with her back to the glass door looking around the corner. We can see you. It's a glass door, girl. Well, I don't think Janet wants to hear any of this because she has a baby to protect right now. I'm a protector.

And Janet's like, oh, so since when do you care about that? Don't even, Janet, are you joking? Seriously? Seriously? I'm gonna excuse myself right now. Excuse me, let me just fall all over this coffee table. Ka-ga! Okay, I'm gonna go now.

I need to be on set because there are so many questions I have. What does this comment, what did that comment mean? When she said, you have a baby to protect, and she's like, since when do you care about that? So does Kristen have a passive not caring about babies to protect? What's happening?

Or is Jim just saying, you didn't care about that when you told everybody that I said, that somebody said? Yeah, I think it's like a little bit of everything You know I don't we don't have enough context to know like how involved Kristen is on the baby journey because like we know that we've seen a lot of Bernie being like I want her to be a storyline where Kristen like abandoned some baby in the Dillards. Like what happened?

I need to know. So Kristen's like, well, listen, Janet's saying you put words in my mouth, Kristen, that are untrue words. And that's causing me to rethink things. And Kristen's like, well, it was what was told to me. It's just, can I finish to Kristen? Here's what's happening. It's causing me stress. Kristen's like, Oh my God, I feel really uncomfortable. Uh oh. You know what we're about to have in Los Angeles in 2024, an uncomfortable off. Who has made who the most uncomfortable? Here we go, guys. Someone is going down for this. most uncomfortable. Here we go guys. Someone is going down for this. Also I saw the bonus scene from the show, you know, like the peacock version where they

show more footage and I believe right at this moment is when Luke said, guys, we're getting it. That's it. We're going to go. We're going to go right now. My girlfriend is uncomfortable. So then Jason is like, that was a joke by the way, that didn't really happen. I'm just in my mind imagining. Because I could see on your face, you is like, that was a joke by the way, that didn't really happen. I'm just in my mind imagining. Cause I could see on your face, you're like, oh really did that happen? I was like, no, okay, let me clarify. Didn't happen.

You know, this challenge really. Cause you know he was just on the background, just trying to threaten to leave again. So Jason's like, okay. He's like, okay, well, how do we go from like A to B to C to get to D? You know what I mean? And then there's also like E and then F and then G and then H and we go to like I JK and then there's like an LMNOP Situation and then oh my god, your semantics just gave me a boner. You were such a lawyer. You were so

semantical. Oh my god Boner. I love, honestly, I still love that Zack is clearly the poorest person on this show. And so just like being around a professional is like very exciting for him. Oh my God. You have a such a job.

You just have like such an air of somebody with like a job. It's crazy. What's that like? Hold on. I have a question. So payroll... Is that an air microphone you're holding? Yeah, it's just a pretend microphone. One day I'll have a real one, but for now, just answer my hand.

Can you tell me what payroll is? Is that like you get money that's on top of a little bun? Or is it like an actual, there's like a roll that just rolls it just rolls off I'm just like so confused about things that happen in workplaces So Jan it's like I'm gonna leave it here Kristen because I need some space and I need time to digest But right now do you know what I need some space space. And Kristen's like, I agree. I agree with space. I need space too. So that's why the new apartment.

Next to Katie Maloney, by the way, in case you didn't watch the after show. Commu-shoes. Here comes one right now. Okay, so next we go over to, which is really crazy to see a modern farmhouse redo in the valley. It's Jackson Brittany's house. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Chris, you got cheese all over you like father like son. Here's a raspberry. You want my raspberry? Who wants a raspberry? JX, you want a raspberry too? So Brittany's like, Oh, you got cheese all over you buddy. Give me that face. Give me that face.

Give me that face. Give me that face. Which is also frowning. Give me that face. Give me that face. Which is also frowning. I can't not frown anymore. Give me that face. So the thrust of the scene is that Cruz was like developing quote unquote on time as much as you know babies can be on time. And he was starting to say things like mama and dada and doggy, but then one day he just sort of stopped and started to regress. And I immediately

became actually quite concerned because I actually remember Jacqueline Lareda's storyline with her son, which sort of had a similar path. So I was like, ooh, wow, this could become this could be come a very trying situation for them. And so the speech therapist comes over and they do speech therapy. And, you know, at one point, the crews, they're trying to get crews to say the word more. And so cruises like more. And I was And Sokka was just like, mooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Yeah, Jax and Brittany are both sitting there watching the therapist work with the kid, you know, and I get it, you know, because they're parents and they're worried and stuff. But they're both sitting there going, Oh my God, did he say it? Well, it was kind of slow, but he still said it. He said it. I mean, it was slow. You'll do better next time. I mean, it was kind of good. I'll rate that a six. I'll give that a six. Don't

worry. I love the number six, honey. This kid, I can guarantee you this. I don't know a lot about child development or what's going on with the child. I can predict this much. When he does start speaking, one of his first phrases is going to be, shut the fuck up, both of you, please. Can also Miss Dory work with Sherry? Because Sherry just says they're not speaking also.

She's like, okay. So that is the 150 for that hour. Now we're going to do white lipstick therapy with your mother, okay? Everybody leave the room, please. So, Brittany, I think we've discovered, we're still trying to work on Cruz, not sure what's going on there.

But with your mother, we have to do so so she's been using whiteout on her lips Which may be affecting her ability to communicate properly That's an easy fix that's so now they're talking about how they don't bang anymore and Britain's I can't believe it. We just rip it just close off now. I don't get nothing so she says I'm on our sex life is like one of those old Westerns. I'm the tumbleweed rolling by You know, don't you remember the good the bad and the ugly when the tumbleweed goes by Oh God goes, oh god, so let's see. So now we go bad. And the you're a cool guy. So now Jackson's like, well, you know what, it's gonna

be even harder when we have more kids. So we're gonna be banging even not as much as we're not banging now. I think I'm gonna go to the gas station, get some coffee. Time to go to the AMB. So then we go over to Jesse and Michelle's place and they're sitting on their patio and they're talking about the party the night before. Michelle's like, I'm going to go to sleep as soon as I put Isabella down at eight o'clock. I'm like, I'm going to go to sleep actually right as I put Isabella down at eight o'clock. I'm like, I'm going to go to sleep actually right now while you talk, because that's what you make me do. And then Jesse's like, yeah,

I have to go to an event tonight. Tonight's events can be a little bit different than last night's. So then Kristen sent me a text message and it said, I just want to assure you that your secrets are safe with me. That is so Kristen. Don't worry. Your secrets are safe with me. And I don't retaliate for the sake of my own mental health. But if you put a coffee table in

my way, I will fall over it. That is a fact. Just giving you a lay on the land. I literally do lay on the land after I see a coffee table. But I mean, it's funny because I believe knowing Kristin, she probably meant to say, look, if you tell me a secret, like, it's in the vault, like, you don't ever have to worry about it. But because she writes, Kristen, she writes it like a threat. Your secrets are safe with me. Don't worry. I think she exactly means it as a threat. I think Kristen knows exactly what she's doing. I think she's like, oh, really? You're going to turn against me on TV? Well, guess what? I have all your secrets. So don't worry. I'm

not going to come after you on TV just because you're coming after me on TV. But just remember I have your secrets and I'll still be here when you want to talk again. Just remember I've seen the selfie of you at Nancy Pelosi's desk. So Jesse is like, by the way, I still have that Viking helmet. Do you want me to give that back or no? I still have the ones you tried to buy, Nia, that says Proud Boy. That was an honest mistake, Kristen. I actually thought that was generally for... I really thought I was getting a gift for Jax. I mean, what baby wouldn't want to make America great again? I

didn't even know it was political. I didn't realize these things. So Michelle's like, just like, what is she talking about? Michelle, I'm talking right now. And Michelle's like, I don't know what that means exactly. But does she not comprehend that my life is bigger than this? I work, I'm a mother of a three-year-old. I have slippers and I keep trying to be a bigger person. I keep spoons out of the garbage disposal.

I take out the trash. I got a two-for-one special on Spatty Daddies. I'm a doormat user. I'm also a doormat cleaner. So he's like, Yeah, you were just so direct and forceful. I loved it. And you were like, Listen to me. And she goes, No, I wasn't. He goes, Yes, you were. The way you threw your chair, you're like, Oh, shut the fuck up. And you threw your chair and

then beat up all those people and those ninjas started coming out of trees and you started swapping down with your bare hands. She's like, you better stop it right now. But they have come back to life as a couple. They look like they're gonna rip each other's clothes off. Yeah, because they're both angry at the same person. So Michelle's like, it's just so hard to talk over everyone

and I was trying to come, stay, be like And I was trying to come stay, be like, I was trying to make everyone stop because yeah. And you threw that chair away. No, the chair was light. It just fell over. I'm not a she-hulk. But she's smiling. She's like, yes, I did that.

I did it. And so she's like, in a twisted way, I think Kristen is bringing us closer together I'm a wife I'm a mother. I'm a Mexican. I am a Persian I am warrior I Am done with her name for a while

Kristen ah shit. I just said it after I was done with it her name for a while, Kristen. Ah, shit. I just said it after I was done with it. Jesse's like, I think that they should get in a car and drive back to Colorado. But the rest of this summer, I was like, Whoa, what a threat. Please get out of my life. Seasonally. Thank you. So Jason and Janet's house, they're talking about the dinner party. And Janet's like, Could you set a timer for me for eight minutes, please? And he's like, Alexa, could you set a timer for 18 minutes? She's like, Yeah, I could have yelled at Alexa to

then why didn't you? That's then to fucking do it. Powerplay. I love that. I love people who are mad that Alexa's replaced their bossing around of their husbands. That should have been my job. Like I should have been bossing you around. Like, what are you not in Alexa anymore? Okay, Jason, sing something by Katy Perry.

Well, I've got it. Katy Perry, not you, you fucking interloper. Jason, would you get me some flour out of the pantry, please? Reordering flour gold, which you just ordered off of Amazon two weeks ago. God damn it. Jenna just wants her orders to be taken by specific people, mainly her husband. She's furious that her husband's job has been taken by an assistant. You know, I never use Siri to set timers and I really should because

I do all the time. When I'm cooking all the time, I'm like, hold on, gotta stop this process to go press this button over here or do that over there. I mean, I have like an Oxo timer, which I enjoy having a thing that sits there and I can always look over to it. But there are times where I'm like, oh, gotta take out the phone. No, because I gotta remember to do that. You can ask her, and you can set multiple timers.

You can say, hey, Jennifer, or whatever her name is, you know, we shouldn't keep saying her name over and over, but like, Jennifer, could you like set a timer for 15 minutes? And she's like, sure, timer's set for 15 minutes. You wanna name the timer? I'm like, yeah, name it bitch. And she's like, sure, timer's up for 15 minutes. You wanna name the timer? I'm like, yeah, name it bitch. And she's like, hey, bitch is going off

in the kitchen, bitch. I'm like, yes. Hey, could you set another one for the fish? She's like, yes, fish timer. I'm like, yes. She does like multiple ones. And then while you're doing stuff, you could be like, so how much time is left, Jennifer?

And she'll be like, you've got five minutes left on bitch and four minutes left on fuck you and then three minutes left on your face. Also, Jennifer, is it true that Michelle's a Republican? Yeah. She'd be like, how dare you? Kristin should have been like, I didn't articulated it. Jennifer, the digital assistant did. So anyway, Zach told me to do it.

Didn't realize that was a period. So Janet says it's a robot period. Yeah, no, totally. That's how robots. Isn't it funny? It took so long to get robots to have like more human cadences because for the longest time, everything was sounded like that. You are going on the fastest route. I'm like, okay. They were all empty from real house. They're all empty. So Jason, Janet's like,

so do you remember at the dinner party, Kristen said something like, Michelle, I love you and I always protect you. And Jason's like, yeah, I've heard her say that a couple of like, like three times. Like, I don't know what that would probably mean. Yeah. Well, the only thing I've ever heard Michelle promise to protect is the constitution. So I'm not really sure what's going on here. The only thing I've heard Michelle say

that she wants to protect is the sanctity of marriage. So Janet's like, I don't know if you're deposing someone and they said, like, what would you do if you're deposing someone and they said something like that? He's like, I would say, protector from what? Oh my God. I have such a boner right now. Can you back me up, Jennifer? What would you say, Jennifer? I would say, protector from what question mark and your timer is ready. If I was in court right now, I would say Judge, we've got a which is next to be but very close to see. So does that make a and C cousins? Or does it just

make them friends? What about D? Who's D? Oh, my god, the semantics. The semantics. I'm sorry, my boner is tapping up against your window, but the semantics of it all. Can we remove juror number three? Oh, no. But there's so many more semantics here. I am guilty of semantics boners. Don't be anti-semantic. So then Jason's like, yeah, I would be like, what are you Al Capone? Pay me two grand a month for protection.

Know what I mean? And she goes, yeah. Like what is she saying? Protection like his own guys? Protection against his own people? And he's like, yeah. She goes, yeah, there's just something about it. It not only stuck with me, but it also stuck

with Brittany and Jasmine. And then we cut to Brittany and Jasmine. And Jasmine's like, I let me tell you what, let me tell you, let me tell you what I think about that party. I can not. I want and I can't. Brittany is like, or was it Brittany was a Jasmine. Brittany Brittany was I think was I don't know, she goes, she actually said to me, I could ruin people's lives, but I'm not gonna do it for my own sanity.

Yeah, and so Janet's like, yeah, sounds like Kristin has something on Michelle, and she's trying to threaten her with it. It just feels icky to me. If I was Michelle, I'd probably assume that I'm going to come home and find a horse head in my bed." And then she kind of winks at the camera like, yeah, I said it. I made a horse head joke. That's right. Yeah. Horse head, Al Capone. Yeah. So Janet's like, Janet's like- Say hello to my little friend and my right bitch.

Just during all the Al Pacino movies. Untouchables, Godfather. So now, now that was sent to a woman, honey. It's not a mob. Still, though. Hey, Alexa, can you turn on the heat? So then, Janet says, she's just like, I've worked for the past, for the last six years until I was pregnant as a personal assistant. So I am a planner and you know, I love, you know, putting together parties and I became, oh, she's just talking about those gala. Sorry. I thought she was making a larger point about Kristin. So she's, they're doing it. They're

going to gala, which is funny, because I don't think in the history of Vanderpump rules, they ever came close to anything that was close to a gal. I think the closest they got was actually like maybe using a gala apple and a martini once. But they're going to do this very, this is very the Valley style gala, where they're like, how much are we going to spend? You have $10. That is your that is all we're spending. It is fun. That is no better. Like a million dollars, please. And some say it in

France and Brazil where I'm probably born. All my currency is from the world. It's world currency. So giving you 20 million pound pay soldiers. Hello there. This is a two part recap, okay? This is the end of part one. So thank you so much for listening to this. Just come back a little later for part two. Watch what Crapins would like to thank

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