Watch What Crappens - #2389 The Valley Part 2: I RepubliCAN’T

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

*This is part 2*The Valley gang goes to a charity “gala” and Kristen gets told off a lot because she called someone a…wait for it…REPUBLICAN. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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I think it's Jared, right? Yeah. Jared. Um, Jared got stem cells that saved his life. And so now he has a charity and Jared tells people off cause this is how he talks. He's like, you want to hear about it? Let me tell you what Kristen did. Like, I can't wait to see more of Jared. But Jared started a charity in Los Angeles, of all places, called Be The Match. Did he start it? He started it. I think so. It says, wait, I became aware of the Be The Match organization and the gala itself through my best friend Jared. Oh, no, I don't think he started it. I think he's just throwing a party for it.

It's just weird to have a gala in LA called Be The Match because you literally can't even smoke at the bottom of the hill there. They're like, we are all gonna die if you do that. So I just feel like it's like an unsafe way. It's unsafe. Like you can have this just not in the hills or anywhere near it. Some of them get very confused.

And between all these charities on these shows, they're going to donate to something called be the homeless, but not the toothless. So yeah, so he, yeah. So there's this organization, they're going to a gala for it and they have to figure out, you know, the planner is like, well, we have two tables, but the big concern or maybe this is Jared who was saying it, saying like, I've got some crazy texts from, from Kristen and texts from, from Kristen and, um, Janet's like, you know what? Kristen may have known Jared longer, but Jared and I have gotten unbelievably close over the last couple of years. So the last thing I want or will allow it's any drama to ruin this night.

I'm like, I'm sure Jared would love drama at his event. I know if I, if listen, we gays love it. Like if I'm, if I'm hosting a charity event, there better be some drama on the side that I could watch from afar and be like, what happened? Tell me everything. Oh my God, that really happened? That's great.

I'll never forget. Jared does want it because he's like, okay, we're gonna talk about seeding at the charity. And let me tell you why, cause Kristen is starting some shit and she better not do that at my charity. Cause I will tell you one thing, I will kick her out. You know what?

You know what this is about? Kid kidneys. This is about kidneys, Kristin. It's not about you. Okay. It's about people needing a liver. Okay. That's why I brought this, these two cans. No, not kidney beans and actual chop liver. Kristin. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You know how much I care for you. Oh no. So Janice, Janice like, yeah, it's just like, she's so like delulu. And he's like, Jason's like, delulu. Alexa, what is delulu?

It's delusional, you idiot, how are you a lawyer? So now we go over to Kakao's apartment and oh, there was, someone asked me in a DM why we call her Kaká. We're not calling, they said, why are you calling her Kaka? We're not calling her Kaka. It's because one time they went to Mexico and Kristin walked out on the balcony of her room and went, oh, it's a bird. Kaka! And like talked to the bird and we have just never gotten over it. That was like one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen. It was just so great. So we just go, Oh my God, look, there's birds outside.

So she's like, I don't know what to wear to the gala tomorrow. I'm going through all my gowns. I'm like, did I wear this one to Jared's event? Did I wear that one to Jared's event before? Kristen acting like she has a whole bunch of like ball gowns in her apartment. They're just t-shirts that just, that say, so I'm sorry I said it. Yeah.

She's like, I may not know what I'm gonna wear tomorrow on my body, but I do know there are gonna be burqs on my feet. Cocoa. Can we let the Burke and stocks just, like let's at least pretend we care about Jared's kidney. You know what I mean? Yeah, so she's like,

ah, we'll be sitting on a table with the people that we like, like Nia and Danny, and I believe Jackson Britt, so we like them again now. Maybe Zach, I'm not sure. I don't know if Janet's not gonna, is like now gonna go over and like take it and decide who gets to sit where, but. Maybe Zach, I'm not sure. I don't know if Jenna is now gonna go over and take it and decide who gets to sit where, but it's not really that important to me.

As long as I'm supporting Jared, you know? We're at a table with people who match our kind of energy. So in other words, a table of people who just keep falling out of their chairs. She's like, Zach and I, we're finally able to make up after Capri? Okay, now you're all gonna say Capri? I're finally able to make up after Capri. Okay. Now you're all going to say Capri. I don't think you all can say Capri.

You can't do that. Only the guy who claims to go there to meet billionaires can say it because he's douchey enough to like, it makes sense in his personality to the rest of you, please don't do it. Okay. Maybe that's how they say it in Italy, but you know, we don't come back from France saying, can I have a call for. To be fair, it did take Chris in about three years to stop calling it cat pee. So, uh, she's like, well, you know what? We both realized that we're just pawns in

Janet's jawhead manipulation game. Gagah China really loves the shit talking, the planting of seeds, the lighting, the match lighting seeds on fire, fire seeds, forest fires down the hill, everyone's on fire, the city's going to burn all because of Janet. 05 So you will be donating to the match? Luke So, well, looks like, okay, that's it, we're going to go, we're going to go. 05 I am Luke's like, I am leaving. Luke is our apartment. 05 Oh, yeah, right. I will stay then. Okay. But you know what? Here's what I feel like happened. Everybody wanted you to fall on the knife for him, Kristin. I mean, so okay, maybe you slipped up and betrayed some trust, but you

didn't make up this narrative. Okay. And that's not fair for you to have to take it on. And let me tell you what's going to happen the next time someone calls you. I'm going to be right here on the phone listening with this ear. Just like I am to every single call. I can guarantee you that spam likely motherfucker. You better be ready for me to walk off. Kind of. Um, this is so that show that no one is, um, wealthy enough to actually own a sword to fall onto. So they have to fall into a knife instead. It's like, Oh, she wants to fall on the knife.

Maybe someday a sword, but right now just a knife. Maybe, maybe a long nail. But for now, yeah, you better, you better watch out spork. Cause you're going to get fallen on. So Kristen's like, now they're starting this whole thing. Like she goes, I think that Janet is taking advantage of the fact that none of us are going to attack her while she's pregnant. Well, fuck that.

I will attack you while you're pregnant, bitch. So the baby no longer is going to be protected. But literally what did Janet do? I think Janet did exactly what all of us have done. And I mean, both sides of the political spectrum, because I'm, and like you pointed out earlier, Republicans do this to Democrats all the time where it's like, oh, really? Well, guess who doesn't care about the welfare of the children? Ronnie. He's probably a groomer because he is a liberal.

You know, like we've all done it in our way, but everybody who's a real liberal in LA has been like, oh my God, did you hear this person is a Republican? That's some racist bullshit. I don't want to hang out with them on my part. Everyone's done it. Like both sides have done it. So I don't understand why Kristen's trying to make it this like Janet. Sits there and she comes up with ways. She comes up with ways to tear us apart. Well, that's not some huge manipulation. I don't think that that has anything to do with, you know, people, uh, on, on political spectrums.

I think it just has to do with the fact that like Janet said this thing and then it became, it like blew up into something and then she walks away and she doesn't have any heat on her. And in fact, Michelle's like, yeah, no, everything's fine. We're fine. Whereas Kristen has to take all the heat. So she's like, fuck that. She's the one who started this gossip and I'm the one who, no, everything's fine. We're fine. Whereas Kristen has to take all the heat. So she's like, fuck that. She's the one who started this gossip.

And I'm the one who's getting, I'm the one who's getting my head bitten off for it. When Janet's the one who started blabbing in the first place, not fair, caca. So Luke is like, listen, ignore the drama. Ignore the people that you want. Here, do you wanna pretend like you wanna leave the apartment real quickly?

I'm leaving. That was so fun. Okay, but you know what? Like the whole purpose of this is like, is not to have a conversation, you know, and she's like, yeah, about anything else. Exactly. Yeah, but come on, come on, fighter, stay on message. You can do this. Okay. I've done therapy twice. I've done therapy twice this week, just over this group of people. And he goes, you don't have to tell me twice, babe, because I'm ready to get out of this awful city whenever you are. Oh, okay. Okay. It's the city's fault. Yeah. He's like, can we just go

back to a place where it's okay to accuse somebody of trying to burn down, you know, AOC's office? For Christ's sake. Really? She had it coming. Okay. So Kristen's like, I'm opulating today, bitch. He was like, I know I'm leaving. So then, um, now the guys, three of the guys and they have to pack up their babies to go to a fair. You were just saying yesterday about like the prevalence of, um, carnival

games, et cetera on these shows lately. And here they are going to the Ventura County Fair. This shows like three for three last week was at the Ski Ball place, the adult like Ski Ball place the week before was the county fair party. I mean, and then they went to the two bit circus. Was that the same episode I'm talking about? It's like literally every episode is a circus. Yeah, that's at this point, it's just got to be on purpose. So then yeah, it's three men and the babies. So they go to the fair and they're all talking about how the my wife won't even bang me these days guys.

Yeah. The usual, the usual thing. I love that these guys are like really so awful and then they're like shocked that no one wants to have sex with them Yeah, they just take themselves out of the equation So they're driving actually does want to have sex with her husband that's the Brittany is like the one that's kind of like going against the The stereotype of them with the men complaining about their wives, you know, Brittany's like I won't even buying me I'm like a tumbleweed without a dick in it.

Like, what do I have to do? Go chase him down at the AMFM? What's supposed to happen? Yeah. And let me promise you this, Jax is getting it somewhere, okay? Yes. Jax is not going to just be celibate for two years.

So, and you know, like we said in episode one, that's what he's doing on his AM. Yeah, he's doing it like we said, and he's getting it from AM to PM. Yeah, he's doing it on his AM PM runs for sure. So, so they're driving in the minivan and Jack's like, so what'd you guys think about the other night? Oh, pretty nice, huh? And Danny's like, yeah, it was awesome. Beautiful food. It was amazing. No drama. It was just, you know, what's the right word to describe it?

It's like, Danny, we don't speak zombie. We don't speak zombie, Danny. So they're just gossiping and Jack's, of course, the hero of everything is like, you know, me and Kristen are like so close guys, so close. Me and Kristen, you know, I love her to death, but like, I just don't know how much I can keep protecting Kristen. You know what I mean? It's like, it's hard protecting Kristen, but also like protecting like neighborhoods from Kristen procreating. You know what I mean? I was just like doing all I can. I'm doing all I can guys.

I guess that's the theme of this show is protecting people. And Danny's like, yeah, well, uh, she says she's done. Like she's like worked on herself so much during therapy. Yeah. But like, I just, I don't understand what like needs to be done. Like who's a therapist because that person needs to be fired. Am I right? So Jesse's like, Hey Isabella, I just saw a sign that said, you gotta put your shoes and socks on if you want to go to the fair.

She's like, I didn't see a sign. You motherfucker. She got me again. So now they're, they're going into the, they go into the fair. They're like walking on doing fair things. Cruz goes and picks, starts picking up like goat shit. Jack's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, picking up like goat shit. Jack's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stop picking up the metaphor of your mother and I's relationship. Stop that. So now they start talking about therapy and Jesse's like, our therapy sucks. Okay. Because

like the life coach is like, don't touch her. Don't make comments about her ass because she said she was like uncomfortable when I said how hot she was. Jack's like, she doesn't like you giving her compliments, which is such a man thing to do. Like what? A compliment to do. I said you were really hot. You didn't even have the decency to say thank you. Who gets mad at being called toots? It's a fucking compliment. I'm like I slapped her face, I slapped her ass. I mean, Jesus Christ, you can't even communicate with waitresses anymore.

He's like, I'm dealing with just the opposite. I don't do it enough. And he goes, I think it's safe to say that the romantic spark is just not there right now. And I will take the blame. Yeah, let that spark fizzle. It's just not fair to either one of us, especially not fair to my wife. She deserves to have a man who loves her and, uh, isn't going to

AMPM quite so much as I am, if you know what I'm saying. So then he's like, guys, guys, I know you've probably heard this before, but I like how he turns into kind of Matthew McConaughey as he gets like, he does. I noticed that guys, guys, hey, uh, answer me this riddle me this Batman. Y'all heard of love languages. They're like, what the fuck man? He's like, yeah, love languages. That's you got to know how to communicate with your woman. Now this is what I do with mine. This is what she loves to hear the most. So I speak in yes, honey, whatever you need, honey. And we're just happy as pies. Are pies happy? I mean, there are smiles and frams put together. Those are called circles. Wouldn't say that

in front of my wife. She doesn't like pie talk. She does like to hear yes, though. So, I say that a lot. Am I repressing my inner rage right now? Perhaps. Am I deeply unhappy? I don't know. Have my eyes turned into black little orbs because I have so many unspoken things on my mind? Quite possibly.

But, uh, love languages. They're really working out well for me. Three under two. Three under two, three under two. Ah! What's that theme from Wolf of Wall Street that Matthew McConaughey does? Cause you know that Dandy does that

in the bathroom all the time. I feel like. Ah! That stupid thing. Jesse's like, yeah, Michelle used to show up in my house wearing a trench coat and then she'd like let me tie her up and then I'd pour hot wax over her back. Now I can't even used to show up in my house wearing a trench coat. And then she'd like, let me tie her up and like pour hot wax over her back.

Now I can't even get a candle lit in my own house without her being like, it doesn't smell right. It doesn't smell right. Danny just goes, life changes, man. Just gotta figure it out. That's his way of saying, I don't know what to do with that one. No, you guys are fucked.

That's a lot. That's a lot of information to just drop so casually at the fair. Yeah. She used to show up naked, I'd tie her up and pour hot shit on her. So I don't know where those days go. So Jackson, I don't want to change though. Listen, I had issues.

Like I want to sex like three to four times a day, all day, every day. And now it's like, do we do it this month? Are we going to do it this month? Yes. Are you fucking three to four times a day at the AM PM? This is when this is like when he was like, Oh my God, I have to go to the gym five times a day. I just can't stop going to the gym. Yeah, I'll bet you can't. So now we go to Kristin and Luke on date night. And so they're walking up Robertson and they walk right by sir, which is kind of funny because at first I go sir, of course, and they're like, wait, that's not the show. And they walk by and Kristen's just like, all right, we're gonna go to restaurant, not

this one. Hold on one second. Suck a dick, Diana. Okay, let's keep walking. Let's go to soulmate. Hey, Joe, if you if you still work there, your soup sucks, Joe. Um, yeah, I think that it's funny that Kristin lives in the valley, but she's going to dinner right next to sir to get that attention.

It's so Sally Field going to the mall to get recognized. Yeah, in the soup dish. So um, so they, they get there and they make a toast to, uh, making babies. And Kristen's like, wow, we should book tickets to go see your brother. And Luke's like, yeah, like, yeah, we can do that. In fact, you know what? We should go do those tickets right now. You know what?

I am leaving. I am out of here. I am Luke. You don't have to do that in literally every room that we're in. Can I take your order? Yes. I will have an Uber because I'm fucking out of here. Okay. F felt better.

That was a good appetizer, huh, honey? I just, so, you know, I want to spend some time in Colorado in the fall before it gets like too cold. Oh, caca. And Luke's basically saying that like his whole life, everything he's built up has been in Colorado because he does own like 70 acres out there or something. And he's like, yeah, we just have a better circle out there.

And I think a lot of people, if they're like true down to earth, good people, like that's what they are. But like, LA is not, LA is not all dishpacks, but maybe only like 90%. So now I'm like, okay, I'm starting to pick up why the guys all hate this guy. Cause he is, he is actually a Dick. Yeah. Um, I don't get great Luke vibes. I said that episode one, I don't like him. I think he's got weird anger issues. Um, I don't like him. I feel like you're hanging out with Christian,

so you can pretty much guarantee it's not a good one. You know what I mean? It's like, sir, you have hitched your wagon to a horse that's been well documented to be, um, pretty unstable. And you've now gone into the barnyard with all these animals and like, you can't judge the city based on these clowns you're hanging out with right now. And like, yeah,

I don't believe him because he's one of those people who just doesn't want to be looked down for being an LA person. So they say how much they hate LA all the time, yet he moved there and he does a podcast and he's dating, uh, who was at the time an ex reality star during a podcast and now he's warmed his way onto her reality show. So yeah, I don't really believe that you don't want anything to do with LA. You wouldn't fucking be dating a reality person, dude. You just wouldn't also like, if you love Colorado so much, why didn't you just stay in Colorado and

date someone there or say, like, Kristen, if you want to date me, you have to move out here. I'm not going to LA, but you can't like, pretend to move out to LA and be like, I love it here. And then be like, no, actually, I really want to go back to Colorado. No, I do not play those games, sir. Yeah. And so she's like, yeah, I mean, my friends can talk about me and Luke, we've only been together 15 minutes, but, and they've been in long marriages, blah, blah, but like, they're like threatened by a really hot giant penis.

All right. And it's good. It's like 32. And that's like why you did 32 year olds. Cause they can go all night long. Yeah, penis. And then she does her like shimmy thing with her head shake in the camera.

She's like, yeah, 31 year old penis, yeah. Yeah, we get home, we're gonna have sex, smoke some weed, have more sex. And then Lucas like, yeah, as long as I've got like 10 minutes in between, we're good. Cause otherwise I am out of there. I am leaving. I. I am I'm leaving I am leaving if I don't get a break. It's time for commercial. It's time for a crap. It's commercial

So then Danny and Mia they're getting dressed for the Cala and then Luke's talking about how they're going to have a date night. I don't know. What are they talking about? So what happens while Danny and Nia are like setting up for the, for not setting up, but like getting dressed or whatever. Um, uh, or are showing not getting dressed, but showing off the looks at everything. He's talking about how he and Brittany basically helped set up this romantic

date for Luke and um, Luke and Kristen. So basically Brittany, yeah. So, oh, cause he's going, I'm sorry. He's going to be doing this. Wow. This timeline is very tricky at this section. He's going to be helping cause Luke has asked Dan to help set up and put out rose petals and everything. So, um, Danny is, uh, Danny and Brittany are going to be doing that. So then we go back to post-soulmate and Luke is talking about how, you know, like, you know,

having a family and everything, like wondering like, where's the best landing spot? And Kristen's like, so here's my thinking. California is like, very important to me. Like I can't leave California. I have like so much nothing obligations over here that like I just can't, I can't leave. Oh, Kristen, you'll, you'll be fine. You're going to Montana. You can wear Berks there. You know what I mean? It's not like you're going to a land where you have to change your shoes. Okay. You, you'll fit in more in Montana maybe. And she says that she's not really

married to LA, but hi, she just got back on TV. So fuck that. Yeah, that's what she's really saying, right? Yeah, pretty much. It's a long conversation for him to pretend he doesn't wanna be on TV while he's on TV sucking all of this up. So then we go to Brittany meeting Danny

to set up the romantic massage night that they... Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo. so Danny's like, Oh my God, I peed myself a little bit guys, because instead of that dog being named Jill, I think killer would have been better name. I almost got killed by dog setting up a night for my wife, almost died. I have something to say here. I think it's generally speaking, I think it's very, very funny when people name their pets very ordinary human names.

I once met a dog named Bob and that was hilarious to me. There once was a show on CBS about, it's called the great great American dog and there was something like that and there was a dog named Andrew And I just was like it was just like very funny, but that being said Who names their German Shepherd Jill? Just like Jill This is Jeff. This is Jill. I mean I was like cracking up but I'm also thinking like I feel like most people have like more fun names for their dogs than Jill. And it's nothing against the Jill's that we all know and love.

Nothing against Jill's Aaron, but why are you naming your German Shepherd Jill? Yeah. I like, you know, I like the good human name, like a little, Hey, it's my dog, Ruth. No, I would love that. Oh my God. I would totally name a dog, Bruce. 100%. But Jill is just, it just cracks me up. Jill. Yeah, Jill. This is just like my basic dog. My very basic, very basic dog. So then, um, Brittany's like, I'm so happy to make a party for Luke and Christie. I can't help but

think Tomberweeds in my right eye are laughing I don't really know. I have been begging employees to do something romantic for me like at least put out some driskes and cheese whiz and now I'm setting up somebody else's romantic stuff instead. Cry cry cry cry cry. I told him, hey, you better take notes. Look what Lucas is doing for Christine. Pete Slauson I mean, technically, you're doing it. So, I think it's pretty fitting, you know. So, back at Soulmate, now they're talking about how Danny made a good point about, you know, a premarital counselor. And, you know,

none of us really understand what it's like, the money and the time it goes into raising a baby, and we should talk about it with someone professional, you know. Hopefully someone professional who doesn't live in LA. Okay, let's get a Montana professional, okay? I want them to be able to use a rope on a pig. Yeah. Well, you know, uh, they're talking about like, um, yeah, they're talking about this sort of stuff. And Chris is like, well, I'm my big, I'm, you know, I'm the biggest word that you know. So that is not something that I ever worry about. Like kids growing up in California, in Los Angeles, in the valley, specifically with our group of people, you know, it takes a village or in our

case, it takes, um, a bunch of RVs. And you know what? We're going to do it. Yeah. So then people are driving to the, to the gala and Brittany and Jackson, Janet are all together in one car. And, um, this is where they're like, wait a minute, how much money Jen is like Jason, how much money do I get to spend for the kidneys? And Jason's like 2,500 and Jackson's like, yeah, minute, how much money, Jen? It's like, Jason, how much money do I get to spend for the kidneys? And Jason's like, 2,500. And Jax is like, yeah, Brittany, we need to talk about that. I mean, people don't really need their kidneys.

I don't think that it's kind of the point. It's like kind of like your gallbladder or your ear. Like who needs them? Am I right? I'm like, no, no. Really all people need is a mouth and a nose. Sometimes not even a mouth, let's be honest. Dick, is it a dick transplant?

Otherwise we're spending $5 and that's it. Britney's like, oh, wait a minute. Yeah, he's basically like, yeah, our kid has to go to school now and AMPM, those bills, like those copies don't pay for themselves. So $10 budget and here's a stack of Groupons you can also leave at the table next to the item you want. And she's like, but why? And so he says like 2000,

but like we all know afterwards when the cameras weren't there, he was like, it's going to be like $45. Yeah. Nobody on the show is giving $2,500. No one is. So they go to the gala, be the match. And, um, Jackson's like, Oh my God, I need a horde of. This is, um, this is like a proper gala. Like this is at the Skirball center, which is like a nice place. And there's like lots of people there. This is, this is a full on true gala.

And I don't know what any of these jokers are doing here. Like they don't, they, they seem like ill-equipped for this experience. So then, um, more people come and Jason's like, Oh my God, I feel so underdressed next to Danny. Look at how good Danny looks. And Danny's like, yeah, I thought for sure, man, you were going to be dressed with a tux and a bow tie. I mean, I like attention, but I don't need to be the best looking

and the best dressed. You know what I mean? Yeah, Danny's like self-conscious about dressing nicely. Did you also catch this moment where a waiter or a waitress came by with, there was one mac and cheese ball. I was like, anyone want this mac and cheese ball? Anyone want it? And then like, no one was taking it.

So Brittany was like, well, I'm hungry. I'm gonna take it. So she takes it and then she like eats it. And she was like, well, I'm hungry. And then Jax goes, so are all of us. Sort of implying like, have some self control. I was like, wow, classic Jax. Gross.

Just when you thought Jesse was the worst, Jax is always there to remind us that, you know, he's the number one asshole in this group. Oh yeah. God gross dude. And also not shocking at all. Um, so then Michelle and Jesse come and Zach's like, Oh my God, Jesse, look at that. Chaka he looks like he's walking into a bar in Miami in the 80s, and he's about to snort a line of cocaine

the length of the bar. So basically like Jackson's at breakfast. Yeah, and like Debbie Harry's playing because it's the 80s, and that's why there's cocaine there, and that's why it's on a bar, but it's like a very long bar. I just want to illustrate that this is a particularly long bar, which means it's a particularly long line of cocaine.

It's like, okay, Zach, we got your joke. So- Don Johnson is there probably a Republican. You heard it from Janet first. So Jason's like, wow, Jesse, this blazer. So you wear this all day, you show a house and he's like, nah, nah, this is like a real dinner jacket, man. Yeah. So, um, Jack takes Jesse to the bar while Jasmine and me and Britain, Zach are talking about Kristen and Zach is like,

so is Kristen at our table or your table? And Brittany says, my table! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, start a scene you just don't know with her but I'm just gonna have to love her from afar for the moment cuz she's crazy so Nia's like look I'm trying to chug my wine so I can go pump my breast milk you know I mean I know that doesn't make much sense but yeah and then it's not Kristen shows up alone and everything and Luke isn't there because Jill is super, super sick. She has diarrhea. Everyone, Jill has diarrhea. That's actually not a human. It's a dog named Jill, and the dog has diarrhea, but she will be fine. It's like, thanks.

Thanks for announcing the diarrhea that your dog is experiencing. It's just so, it's like the things they catch on the mics, because they're actually talking kind of quiet, but then the producers are like, you know that part about the diarrhea? Make sure we get that in there. Make sure. I want the camera to look like it's kind of sneaking around the guys just so we can catch

this very secret conversation. We have cameras here, right? Okay, let's get that print it. And they listen to the audio later. It's like, diarrhea. Yeah, she's got diarrhea pretty bad. And Britain's like, Oh my god, diarrhea. Jules like, did you have to? You know, I'm not even a cast member on this show. I first

of all, I got interrupted by two people who I thought were intruders. They're not my mother nor my father. And then they just left all these delicious rose petals around. How was I supposed to know they were relaxing it for me? Pete Slauson Exactly. It's the rose petals. Jared Lies So then, flashback to Jesse yelling, shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up at the dinner party. And Brittany's like, they're still talking about the dog pooping because of the dog petal, or the flower petals. Pete Lies I hope it wasn't because of the rose petals! Jared Lies This really did keep going.

That's funny. And Chris is like, I don't think it was a rose pedal. And Britain is like, really? Because I hope that that dog has those rose pedals. And every time it's pooping, it's thinking Brittany deserves better. How you ever see that? Double we'd go by followed by diarrhea, dog diarrhea. So Kristen's like, yeah,

well I think she accidentally ate something and cause like over the weekend she was fine. But like she had diarrhea in my apartment before. I just didn't want to have diarrhea in the new apartment. So anyway, God, there's been so much diarrhea. I mean, it's just like you walk in. It's just like diarrhea here, diarrhea there, everywhere, diarrhea, everywhere diarrhea. You know what I'm saying? Okay. It's enough diarrhea talk for me. I don't know if I've reached my limit of the D word, the D talking.

All right. Did you say I was the D word? So Michelle's like, my strategy is not to pay attention to Kristin. I'm a woman. I'm elbow skin. I'm a clown car. I'm a woman, I'm elbow skin, I'm a clown car, I'm a noun, I'm a verb. Kristin is like a cake for gay people against my religious beliefs and I shall ignore her. I just keep thinking to myself charity event, so I hope Kristin doesn't ruin another night.

So now everybody sits down and Kristen sits with Brittnay. She's like, oh my God, thank God, I prefer this table to the other table. Hi, can you believe that we had to arrange tables based on who to be around who? Like, welcome to reality TV, Zach. I was like, oh, how the tables have turned. Cause you know, it's a table situation

So it's like what it really is is a play on words now imagine the tables were in the 80s Okay, are we there? Are we visualizing it cuz the joke is gonna continue Hey Michelle, I just wanted to take this moment to apologize to you because I didn't really do anything to you That was all like Kristen, but I mean I did it to my proxy. So like, I'm sorry by proxy. Okay. It's okay. Like what? And she's like, you know what? I'm sure there was some sort of conversation that happened between Janet, Jasmine and Zach, but they never brought it up. They didn't tell it to everybody. So it's like, okay. So again, you actually are not upset about the allegations.

You're just upset that people might think about the allegations or might know that the allegations drawing attention to the allegations. But my thing is, like, I just want to move forward from it. And so it's like, maybe you could just talk to Kirsten and be like, Listen, I don't want to say forgive you, but like, I'm willing to move past that because I know you you want an apology and I feel like she's willing to give you an apology. Also, there's like a Kesha CD in the silent auction and I was wondering if you could spot me $10. Someone I hope never stays silent again? Kesha. Yeah, hi. There's like a Willa Ford poster over there. Do you have about $45? A silent auction. So, um, he's like, it's my duty as someone who comes about,

Chris, you got the second car. So over at Kristen's table, me is like, so you guys did a whole set up at Kristen's place with flowers. Like how did that go? Tell us about it. Was it magical? And Kristen's like, yeah, we used the massage table, but I didn't get a massage. I was ovulating. Yeah. Yeah. We had sex. Um, and Jack's like, is this it you knocked up? You think that was on? He was on a pounder that got you. Yeah. It was real magical. It was real magical. We were like doing it, but also talking about how to raise the children in LA.

It was great. And he was like, and you were laying flat, right? No legs up. And so then Jesse, over Jesse's table, they're talking, they're telling the story about how they met. There's someone was like, tell us your love story, which Which is more like tell us your future hate story. So just like yeah Well, we had we had an office meeting and I was like, why don't we meet for coffee? And she's like, yeah, and then we were supposed to like have a date night and I was like, wow, this guy's terrible He has a terrible personality. I don't understand how he's ever a model. He has a dent in his hair I never want to see him again. Yeah, we're married. Let me tell you the real story. We had coffee. I knew he wasn't the one, but I was attracted to him. So here we are, married with a baby. I was like, wow. This is a great story.

I'm in the world's longest booty call. Yeah. She says, I'm sorry. She says I canceled our date because I hated him, but then I went out with my girlfriends instead and I got really drunk and I wanted a booty call. So it's just like the booty call that never ended. Let this be a lesson to people. So Zach is really, but, um, yeah, which is don't date people like Jesse. So Zach is, he's like trying to help things out. He's like, okay, Michelle and Jesse, like, do you want to like come talk with Kristen? Let's do this. Would it be okay if we chat for a moment? Like, I feel like tonight's been like, such a positive night, like, I totally won

the vitamin C cassette. So I think we're just like ride that high. And I feel like if you two just like pull together, I think it'd be a good idea for us all to talk. How do you feel about that, Kaz? So then they go outside to talk, like the summit. And Jesse's like, baby, you cold? Michelle's like, yeah, I'm cold. And he's like, wow. And he doesn't give her his jacket.

It's very awkward. So then Michelle's like, let's just try to relax and let Kristen speak right now. And he goes, oh, I'm plenty relaxed. I'm plenty relaxed. She's like, I would be too if I just wasn't freezing to death. Yeah, it sucks for you. Okay, here they come. Here they come. So Kristen's like, oh, Michelle, I just want to say I love you. I love you so, so much. And I know more than anyone how harmful like words can be and when they're put on you when they're completely not true.

And I said something I should not have repeated. Michelle goes, and I think that's why we're upset because you keep saying the word repeated and everybody is denying that comment. Well, but we just had this conversation like Like remember, cause like Jasmine, I mean, I'm sorry. Like, oh really? You said the word Jasmine. Oh my fucking God. Forget it.

Are you kidding? Oh, sorry. This is Jesse. Oh my fucking God. Forget it. Are you fucking kidding? Jesus Christ. Oh no, no, we're going backwards. We're going backwards.

Ride the high people. Ride the high. So Kristen's like, well, she's saying, you're saying, because I'm saying the word repeated, but it's like, I feel like when we just sit down after dinner, everyone sort of owned what they did. Like I'm apologizing, I'm re-apologizing. Like, okay, that's all I want you to know.

I just want you to know that I'm sorry, and you don't have to accept it, and you don't want to, but I am so, so, so sorry. I just need space. I need like some, like I can't have you in my face. I almost want like, it's like we need like something in between us so we can have space. Like I think I want to build a wall.

Like let's just build that wall between us right now. And Kristen's like, it's okay, it's up to you. I just want you to know. And how do you believe that I'm sorry? And you know me, Michelle. And she goes, um, you know what I believe? I believe that you need some help. Wait a minute. Well, welcome to the party, Michelle. I mean, have you watched the past 10 years of reality TV and Chris was like oh yeah I've been going to therapy for nine years so yeah yeah hey so like Kristen do you and Jesse like possibly want to talk like maybe I can go the other room and like listen to some of Jason's semantics yeah yeah yeah of course um Jesse Michelle means a lot to me, and I'm sorry that as your family, as your wife,

that I hurt her and that I just disrespected her and she felt disrespected, especially in her home. Is that good enough? Am I allowed back in yet? He's like, do you wanna just keep doing this, Kristen, just doing the same stupid shit over and over in your life? Is that what you want for your life, Kristen? What the fuck, man?

Are you gonna change, Kristen? Are you gonna really, deep down? Who is coffee for, Kristen? Closers! Coffee is for closers, Kristen!" She's like, I'm sorry, I don't do the same things over and over again. How did you just fall up? Where did that coffee table come from? Sorry. He's like, why are you unzipping Jax's pants? Damn it. I'm sorry, just keep falling into patterns, okay, I'm going to therapy. He's like, you know what? I was very stressed out.

I'm sure you were too. I know some of the things I said were very hurtful and I apologize for that and I apologize to your pussy boyfriend, Luke, as well. Thank you. And you guys, just don't be in the middle of everything. Just be cool and I think we'll be fine. Okay, and then he pulls a Michelle. He's like, I mean look I'm an adult I'm a father. I'm a person with a career

I'm a person with a house Blazer I don't want this roundabout with Kristin. Can we just all move on? I don't want this roundabout with Kristin. Can we just all move on? Yeah, so they decide to make up kind of but it's a very cold makeup and Zach's like I felt like that went good Let's get in your car Before Michelle starts hurling racist threats at us. Hurry run. Oh It feels so good to not be in a Toyota Tursala from 1996 right now. So that's it.

So Michelle and Jesse go back into the gala, Zach and Chris and get into a car and drive off into the sunset. And it's just another deeply entertaining episode of The Valley that concludes. That's it. That'll do it. Well, everybody, thank you so much for being here with us. Always love talking to you. We will be back tomorrow with some summer housing. If you want some Vanderpump Villa coverage, join up at our Patreon.

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