Watch What Crappens - #239: Be Nice to LaLa!

Episode Date: November 18, 2015

Lisa Vanderpump takes a ho under Hanky's wing on Vanderpump Rules and Hollywood has been good to Kenya on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Enjoy, and don't forget to BE NICE TO LALA! Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what Krathans would like to thank its premium subscriber, Christy Doherty. We love you, Sugar Mama. Watch what happens when there's so much that happens. With the gorgeous, fair-haired, fair-hearted whore of Babylon.

Ben Mandelker. What was the Charlie Sheen thing? The Hives of Folly. Hives of Folly. The Blackmailers. The Hives of Folly. Treasonous whore, Ben Mandelker. We were just reading the Charlie Sheen story in the bonus episode, so I'm still a little hooked.

Yeah. Thanks for listening to Watch What Crappens. You can find us at watchwhatcrappens.com. All of our links are there. Come to facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens to talk crap with us and all the listeners during the week. Some of these show comments have been gold, and the posting is out of control there. There's so many new stories, so thank you. Also, thank you to everybody who subscribes on Patreon. That's patreon.com slash watch what crappens.

We just did our bonus episode, like I said, and it was so much fun. And that's for you guys. So thank you. Yeah, this week's episode, we started off by talking about the Charlie Sheen news that he reveals that he's HIV positive. But we talked about that. And then we went through the Top Chef preview. And then that kicked off probably about 25 to 30 minutes of us talking about the Food Network. So if you have a side interest in the Food Network, which I'm sure a lot of you do, check out the bonus episode.

Also, something that's really... Or HIV or Top Chef. I mean, that episode was all over the place. We literally talked about cleaning a cast iron skillet for a minute. Yeah. But the other thing is that this episode, we're recording it about a week and a half before Thanksgiving. And our Thanksgiving episode,

we want it to be entirely Krappen's mailbag. And so we are going to actually pre-record the episode since I am going up to the Bay Area for a wedding and Thanksgiving and blah, blah, blah. So if you can, go to our Facebook page and you'll see instructions on how to submit to the Krappenbins mailbag. And do it before noon on Wednesday, November 18th, please.

Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, that's our way of all kind of spending Thanksgiving together. Yeah, that's right. And also our monthly hangout is tomorrow night, Wednesday, November something. What is it? 19th, 18th? 18th.

November 18th. That's going to be a crazy day. This is all crappens all day, every day for the next couple days. Well, two days. I'm very dramatic. Well, for us it is because I've got this crazy travel schedule. Yeah, we're going to be talking a lot. And tomorrow I'm going on Amy Phillips' show.

Oh, yes. On Sirius. So I'm so excited. Yeah. Oh, wait. So we are going to do. Okay. Yeah So I'm so excited. Yeah. Oh, wait. So we are going to do. Okay. Yeah.

That works out perfectly. Yeah. So anyway, everybody, thanks for listening. We've got a lot of shows to discuss. Yes, we certainly do. What do you want to start with, my little darling friend? Well, why don't we start with Atlanta? Because we like to chomp the Vanderpoops. I'm shocked that you said that. I thought you were going to pick Vanderpoop. Well, why don't we start with Atlanta? Atlanta!

I'm shocked that you said that I thought you were going to pick Vanderpoop Well, because last week we decided to start with Atlanta And, you know, because our episodes have been going so long lately It was, we decided that we would end with Vanderpump Rules That way once our coffee wears off We'll have the fun of Vanderpump Rules to carry us through the episode That's true That show could be fun even if you're near comatose. That's true, yeah.

And also your brain skills will match that of the cast. Evens out the playing field a little bit. Exactly, exactly. So yeah, let's get into some Real Housewives of Atlanta and some Vanderpump Rules. And I think that that will be our big episode of today. Okay. So this week, unlike the first episode, which I don't know what was wrong with me, but this week I actually paid attention to the opening lines.

And they were amazing, Bean. Good. Vedra. Only God can judge me. And he seems to be impressed. Like, really? And what are you basing that off of did you get a pure review from god are we talking about your new shapewear i mean what are you what are you thankful for right now

be specific something yeah i i haven't seen any promotions so i'm not sure is he was there was there a was there a suggestion box that you emptied out from God? God turned in evidence against Apollo, and now I'm free. Thanks for watching. God bless. You know what? God's doing that thing in big business. You know, when Bette Midler goes, she's walked down, country Bette Midler goes down Fifth Avenue, and she looks at a mannequin, and the gay guy in the window looks at her and is like, psh.

And then she walks around, and she gets she gets some kids and she shows up again with her like white sneakers. And he's like, okay, that's basically what Phaedra did. She put on some white sneakers and God was like, all right, girl,

you can work it. God's like, now you're ready to run around the block. Yeah. Now go over and sing with the band over there. You're a real New Yorker. Now you can go up and down the stairs. Hope you got those two letters in your backpack, girl. And she's like, Ier now. You can go up and down stairs. Hope you got those stilettos in your backpack,

girl. And she's like, I do, God, I do. And he's like, I'm impressed. You're ready for a good black and white polka dot number right from the Plaza Hotel. That's the music that plays. Next up, Portia. I'm about to give you life. You better swipe right, honey.

I don't even know what hers was, but it was so stupid. She's like, I'm going to give you life. Something. I don't even know because I was just writing, you better swipe right, honey. Because that's all she thinks about is fucking dating and men. She's like, hi, I'm Portia. I'm going to give you life. You better step back and

look at the sexiness shut up porsche oh gosh seasons change but cynthia bailey never goes out of style like uh i think that was literally a mervyn's commercial yeah yeah exactly you know what also hasn't gone out of style? Togas People still use them Doesn't mean that you're going to want to wear them down the street though Still can't approve Cynthia Bailey is the tunic of the Real Housewives

Seasons change But Peter never does And that's fine by me They're winter casuals Yeah You know what never changes changes people's demand for coffee that's what we got and by the way so uh i i'd say uh uh i posted this on our facebook page it's an old video but it's like it's like uh it said it's a peter's brew commercial quote-unquote commercial and it's cynthia and and Peter talking to a blogger down in Atlanta. And so it's a minute long and it's hilarious.

We may have even talked about this at one point. But the blogger is like, so why did you get into Peter's Brew? And he's like, well, you know, coffee is the number one commodity in the world. And, you know, people like coffee and there's no coffee out there that represents black people. So there you go. Peter's Brew. And it's like, you're going to talk about the product at all? What does it taste like?

Where is it ground? Where is it harvested? So people, you know, when people wake up in the morning, what do they do? What do they do? What do they do? Coffee. That's what they do every day. Boom.

That's it. Peter's Brew. Peter's Brew. I'm like, can you say, is it a dark roast? Is it a medium roast? Like, where do you get it from? How is it sold? It's a Keurig.

It comes out of a machine. You press a button and it comes out. He literally had nothing to say about his own product. It was amazing. And then he and Cynthia, like, look at the camera, like, boom. Like, as if they just dropped the mic. Like, yeah. Well, it's's number one commodity.

So boom. Oh, okay. That's why we should get Peter's brew. You can buy sunglasses when you're in there. There's like a little revolving display of Ray-Ban knockoffs by Cynthia. What do you call a crappy coffee that's also kind of a slut on TV? Peter's brew McClanahan. Like coffee and flowy.

It's just like a bunch of older loose women in flowy robes and fuzzy slippers. Darling, I could use a nice hot steaming cup. Darling I could use a nice hot steaming cup alright guys and when you walk into the coffee shop it goes Dorothy comes in and just slaps her

in the face with the newspaper. Yeah. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Thank you. That's what happens when you leave the store. Like the slowest exit ever. You just have to stand there at the exit. I'm like, please don't clear the exit.

You don't have to wait till the end of the song. Like, well, I don't want to be rude. It's because brew, you can't be rude. Candy, I'm a hit maker, and this year I reveal the best one. You know that baby's going to be out of key and emoting too hard. Yeah, and way to give Riley a complex. She's not the best hit. She's like that first hit that puts you on the scene.

She's like that first song by Rihanna, like S-O-S, whatever, or Pondaflore. She's like the mall tour. But then this is like Umbrella's about to come out of candy now. It's like, great. Yeah, she's like the mall tour before the bowl, darling. Sorry, Riley. Riley. Mom, your opening hurt my feelings.

See? Riley, you're also a good hit. And then Kenya trying to sell something. So Kenya is that housewife who's always saying things like she's selling a product, but she doesn't have any products, really. I mean, she has her hair and she has stuff like that, but she's always selling a product I don't understand. Like this, for example. Don't come for me unless I twirl for you. So I get that you're putting all of your taglines together, but I don't know what you're selling. You need to be more targeted, darling.

I mean, where do I send my money to, Kenya? Yeah, you know, Kenya, your twirl thing is now like three seasons old. And it was like funny that one season. And you're really just like, it's time for a new a new shtick. OK, even, you know, Nini had close your legs to married men. OK, and then she changed up to like, I'm very rich, bitch, or whatever. Like, you know, you got to change it up now. The twirl thing is over. No one cares.

Life twirls on like it's over. Yes, you need to add to it while remembering the past you need to create a future i mean i mean she is trying with her whole like she could be like don't come for me unless i twirl for you living in a ditch or like yeah unless i twirl for you and you're bankrupt or i mean i don't know what what is she even trying right now i don't know she's good it's it's it's i'm over it though don't come for me unless i tw trying right now? I don't know. I'm over it, though. Don't come for me unless I twirl for you. Hollywood's been good to us.

Oh, and then we got Tootie added in this week. Yeah, Tootie came in. Faith, family, and career. Those are my facts of life. Then why did you just put a question at the end of that? Yeah. How is that a fact? Take the good

you take the bad, you take them both and now you're on the Real Housewives. The fact of life. Faith, family, and career those are facts. No, it's a question Tootie. Rephrase. I'm usually terrified of any housewife who opens up with faith

as her first word because this isn't normal faith. This is Bravo faith. All right? And Bravo faith is not good for anybody in your neighborhood. Okay? No. No. Yeah.

I don't like hearing that either. But I guess we'll see. The jury's still out on her. So, yeah. So then those were all the taglines, right? Was there anyone else? And then it just gets – it's like faith, family, positivity. And then charade fighting. still out on her so yeah so then um those were all the taglines right was everyone else and then it just gets it's like faith family positivity and then charrette fighting well i've upgraded this neighborhood including your lot which is in the ditch honey in kenya well i'll still be in a

ditch and you'll be outside the ditch in a tent because you can't crawl out of a ditch to get a key to go into your house because your house is dumb. Switch the ditch. I love that fight. Your broke ass house is worse than my broke ass house fight. Yeah, exactly. I love that Sheree was talking about being reformed. She's like, I'm reformed now.

I'm reformed. I'm like, no. Well, I'll see it when I believe it. As far as I can tell. We're fine. And then she does this head turn. Sheree does this satanic head turn right at her. She's like, I'll kill you.

I'll cut you right now, bitch. Yeah, Sheree looks like she's been on steroids or something. She sort of has that female bodybuilder look. You know, scary, thick-nenecked manly thing going on yes like she was about to be bug eyed and she got the bottom of her hands and just like pushed into her eyes and then it imprinted you know the mascara above her eyes so now she has those crazy cartoon mascara eyes and she just looks crazy she's like i don't do that anymore. I'm reformed. What now? Yeah.

And then Scarlett Johansson comes out from nowhere and she's like, hey big guy, settle down. Scarlett Johansson. She puts her hand out. Just calm down Sharae.

Calm down. I'd love to be here to help you calm down. I'd love to be here to help you calm down, Sheree. Calm down. I'd love to be here to help you calm down. I'd love to be here to help you calm down, Sheree. But you deserve somebody who can have babies. I'm just a worthless woman. I'm going to go kill myself now. Whoa, what happened to this show? Oh, yeah. Weird turn in the second episode.

So then there was also so peter meanwhile uh on the this ends with uh kenya going when she's leaving she goes okay i'm sorry i'm caught i'm sorry i called you a bitch ass bitch face what like i said i'm sorry, yeah, so then it comes to Peter. Yeah, so Kendrick came up to me and doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop. And Mallory, she's like, you need to grow up and just take it, Peter. Yeah, well, Peter is like, you know, he's like explaining the video. He's like, yes, I was drunk. Yes, I put my hand on her. Yes, okay, so maybe I like finger banged her below the shot of the

camera maybe did this but she has no right to say any of this to me like shut up and he grabs mallory's neck too he's like yes yeah and yes i snorted some poop and yes i strangled the bitch like this but so it looks different when it's in a square thing on instagram it's different it was a different angle it's like uh he's such Instagram. It's different. It was a different angle. He's such a, yeah. And he's sitting there sweating. You're literally stinging Mallory right now. I know. And then, like, Cynthia's just like, why can't you just take the high road when Kenya starts?

Because I had to brew. It offended me. And she has to know that she offended me. And then he has, like, a tantrum and storms out. Shut up. Too much brew. That man's had too much brew. Can't you support me just trying to feel good about myself?

She's like, I shaved my upper thighs for this, Peter. I'm like, who gave the fuck off? Your ass came in after you. Hey, your ass is still outside. Okay? Tell me when your ass gets here. He's like, Jesus, Peter, God. And Mallory's like, well, maybe you need to start taking responsibility for things, Peter.

He's like, fuck off, Mallory. Told you so. Told you so. Told you so. Told you. Told you. Told you. Told you, Cynthia.

I told you. Cynthia, are you okay? I told you so. Oh, yeah. Mal loves this. Drama Peterson, Mal back. Okay, kenya goes to visit kim yeah and i love that kenya's like kim fields is hollywood royalty i'm like oh yeah i mean she's nothing compared to christy mcnichol or dinah manoff but i mean she is royalty darling like princess di ended in the 90s in a tunnel it's over all right yeah i mean

she uh you know she's probably a little bit better than park overall so yeah i guess it does park overall i love her i guess i guess that does make her holland royalty park overall didn't take no nonsense from nobody, okay? But she still had some kind of vulnerability to her. You know what I mean, guys? Oh, Park. From Empty Nest to... I've actually just listed all the Empty Nest supporting characters.

I mean, she's no David Leisure, okay? She's no Dreyfuss. But she's still royalty. So good. Okay, so Kenya visits visits kim and this is hilarious because they're always trying to come up with the reason that these people know each other and this time they're not really even trying they're just like uh i guess because kenya did a youtube video one time kim will be interested and so we cut to kim's office which is like in

a strip mall next to a tBY, you know, whatever. It's a candy shop. It actually used to be a boarding school, but now it's a candy shop. And there's never any customers. No customers. Remember how on that show it was just never any customers. It was just a candy shop. Just a candy shop.

They always had merchandise they had to deal with they were like the merchandise the merchandise that's how i learned the word merchandise is from facts of life and then mackenzie austin comes through oh my god god george clooney we are just starting how is this gonna end up i don't know so they're like well kenya's done a youtube video you know put them together so we open in kim's office and she like, I really don't feel like we're getting – I'm really not feeling the emotional opening of this, I don't know, infomercial for sponges or whatever she's doing. And Kenya's like, hey, girl. Hey.

What's up, girl? Oh, how you doing? Long time no see. Oh, no. And she's like, I oh no and she's like i love this blonde kim i love this blonde kim fields has had that hair for like a decade and kenya's acting like she just went blonde she obviously does not know her and it's so so good i know it's amazing and i love that like the whole reason why they're there together is that Kenya wants Kim to come on as director of Life Twirls On. And Kenya goes, you know, Life Twirls On has had a lot of interest, but I haven't found the right home for it yet. Yes, that's the problem.

You've just been shopping it around. It's like, ugh, who do I choose between HBO or Netflix? I mean, ugh. But again, Kenya needs to learn how to sell it you're coming to tootie and you're saying listen i've got a homeless youtube video no one wants that that's not how you sell it come on she's like i don't know i don't know if it's gonna be daily motion or and uh of course uh kim looks horrified and i don't know if Kim was burping and they just got that shot and used it for everything that Kenya said. But it was so good.

Kenya's like, oh, Kim, you know, Hollywood's good to us. And Kim gives her this look. And Kim's saying, oh, yes, you know. Kim's very actor-y, by the way, which is why I'm not sure if I really like her because she's obnoxious so far. I think she seems nice. Living in L.A., that actor talk makes me crazy when she's like, well, you know, being a part of two successful shows. I'm blessed. I'm blessed being a part of two successful shows.

And I IMDb'd her, and I'm like, what was the second show? Living Single. Oh, Living Single. Oh, I actually really like that show. And she also does a lot of action. I think that Kim Fields does a lot of cartoon voice work. She works a lot. Oh, I love Living Single.

I'm so crazy. Hello. I'll watch that show. So anyway, I was thinking, what? Because, you know, I'm dumb and I smoke too much pot. And I'm like, what? Part of history? And I totally forgot it.

And I was like, what is she talking about? So I went and I still didn't see this. I went on her IMDb. And it was like reporter in this show on lifetime i was like oh no kim fields come back no she does she does i'm looking right now to see um oh she guest starred on golden palace how about that yeah and she was like and she appeared as herself on the comeback. So look at her. Yeah, she's doing good, but she's actor-y, you know? I don't like that. People are like, oh my odd.

Well, you know what it's like working with Tyler. And Kenya's like, yeah, Tyler! Yeah! Stephen Tyler! Great band. Great band. Love him. She's like, no. Perry. Tyler Perry. Love him. She's like, no, Perry, Tyler Perry.

Perry Mason. Oh, my God. Hollywood has been good to us, right? Perry Mason. Love him. I'm just, I'm concerned because I think that, I actually think that Kim Field seems nice and she's going to get corrupted

and it's going to be sad to see someone who, even if she's an inner bitch, lose all ability to be an outer nice person. I don't get the feeling that she's a bitch. Do you? No. I think she seems nice. And you know that my you know I have a very sensitive alarm to that on the house. Yeah.

I thought that's what you were saying. I thought you were saying that Kim Fields. No, no. She's not a bitch. She's just actory. I don't like that. She's got kind of a stuffy actory like I'm above it that. She's got kind of a stuffy actory. I'm above it because I'm an actor. And I'm like, no, you're not. Shut up. Stop it.

You have a water fountain in a strip mall. Stop it. Stop it. Okay, so anyway, that was pretty good. And then we move on to Cynthia. Oh, and also Tootie says things like this people are familiar with me because they're used to me in their living room i'm sort of one of the family like oh gross tootie no you're not and you don't want to be a member of every

family all right you either were like to be more i also like tootie you are not a member of the family although we do continue to talk to refer to you as Tootie We can't separate you You would have been spanked in my house In those roller skates You got to spank you right away young lady In Kenya Do you still have those roller skates

And she goes oh well they're probably in the Smithsonian She goes I think they're in the Smithsonian Or eBay Kenya how to win friends How to make friends and influence people or whatever yeah exactly um so then the next scene is uh i just wrote down cynthia crying about peter to her business partner yes there really wasn't more it just was like the same it was like well i think what you need to do is feel things, take care of things. Can we go now?

My internet's bad. Got to go. Got to go. Cynthia's like, glad I could talk to you, girl. She's like, click. Yeah, exactly. Even the business partner is bored by Cynthia. Poor Cynthia.

She's like, the seasons may change, but nobody stays on FaceTime with me for five minutes. One thing that never goes out of style is not paying your bills for the internet. Then we get the scene of Portia, total businesswoman Portia. You can tell she's there every day because she's having a meeting and she's like,

Hi, everybody. I know that right now before we were here, you were all in your offices and you were working in your offices. But I thought we should talk here. You mean you have a meeting, Portia? Have you ever been here before? I know she she's apparently had a hair company for the past two years, and now she wants to go into lingerie, which I don't understand how that's an extension of the brand. It may be two things that you like, but it's not like when Bethany goes from a skinny girl margarita to a skinny girl pina colada. That makes sense. But going from hair to lingerie…

Those aren't two things you want to think of together you know yeah exactly like long hair lingerie you know if anything sell some bikini wax and lingerie or some like i don't know cornhole bleach or something yeah yeah exactly um stay within your genre darling stay within your niche where do you see yourself in the store who is your hair hanging out with in the store she's like I want to be the next Jessica Simpson or the next

Jessica Fletcher or the next Jessica Justine Jessica Lane or Jessica Alba Jessica Rabbit Jessica Ventura. Oh, God. She's trying to be all official.

And then she's like, all right, well, I want to go take a nap. But she has her coach gay guy, Johnny. He's like, now listen here. This is your season. It's time to sweat. It's like, now listen here. This is your season. It's time to sweat. It's time for you to bleed. I want you to eat, sleep, and breathe hair and lingerie. And she's like, okay. Okay, now. Good night.

Yeah. Because she's like, she wants she's like, ah, this is too hard for me. You know, because I got like Duke and everything. And they're like, huh. So now she says that she wants to throw a sip and see. So that way her team, basically she wants to throw a sip and see. So that way her group sees the guy that she's dating. And they're like, oh, okay.

You don't have to work as hard because you got that guy and you can be with him. It's a really distorted logic. Yes. And you know a sip and see is for for a baby that's what we do in the south which is kind of funny yeah when you have a baby you have a sip and see and then all the ladies come over and get shit faced and pass your baby around it's the southern tradition darling i love them it's my favorite time of year because you know someone's given a baby someone's having a baby at some point during the year anyway that's a sip and see so it's funny that she's having a baby at some point during the year. Anyway, that's a sip and see. So it's funny that she's having that because she's dating a baby.

It's kind of like she has a sense of humor about it, but not at all. Because she's literally, she thinks that this is her man. It's like she bought and paid for him and she's going to put him in a crate. I mean, what the hell? It's like, you're mine now. Here's a chip. Put it in your neck. Or maybe she's just like really confused.

She's like, I'm going to sip and see. And my mattress is free. She's just excited to get him because she thinks he's a duke. By the way, I don't know what happened to my Porsche voice. It is totally distorted and strange now. I used to have like an okay one. But now I'm like, it doesn't even sound anything it just sounds like i'm doing like an amateurish little girl voice mine has never sounded like her

anyway but that's how she talks to me that's how she that's how i hear her i used to have a whole voice for her i had a specific voice and now i'm like i'm totally deranged i'm sorry oh so in this she's like everybody i need to make sure we're working great speech porsche and they're like well it would be nice if you actually worked instead of getting dumped by some guy and disappearing for two weeks into your house and not calling anybody she's like uh like so when this guy dumps you you're gonna call us like porsche are you gonna run your own business she's like uh sip and see bye nap time yeah yeah i like that by the way her entire business is like basically her friends and her family like

i don't see a lot of business acumen around that table. Maybe the gay guy. The gay guy looks like he sort of knows what he's doing. But everyone else, don't see a lot. I don't trust anybody with a folded up handkerchief who's working for a hair slash lingerie company. There's something weird about that, you know? Yeah, working for Porsche, actually. I don't trust anyone hitching their wagon to Porsche's ox. one hitching their wagon to porsche's ox i think that if you're folding up a handkerchief and putting it inside a suit coat to go to porsche's mom's living room that's like made up to look like an office that's a sign that you take things too seriously if you have a handkerchief and you don't

use it to wipe down your sweaty ass head then you are not standing handkerchiefs. That is a sign of a not serious handkerchief. Because you know that it's got some kind of chemicals on it. It's like a dollar store handkerchief. You can't wipe your head with that. You'll get the vapors. What sort of CFO doesn't know how to use a handkerchief? The whole reason why you have a handkerchief is to wipe your head down when you get sweaty.

It happens to all of us. You literally just said you wanted us all to sweat this company and we're not allowed to use a handkerchief on our head? I quit. Good night. Taking a nap. Nemo. So Jordan, Candy.

Wait, Jordan? Oh. Candy, Dress Shopping, Sharae. Okay, so now we have Sharae and Candy, Dress Shopping, and we're cutting between that and, God, who is this? Sharae and Candy. And Cynthia and Phaedra. Yeah, Phaedra, yeah.

I always write Porsa because they both have P's in their name. I know. So basically, Phaedra is getting tea with Cynthia. It's one of these back and forth things that he said she said about things, about I think where Candy and Phaedra stand. And so it's funny because Phaedra is saying that she's getting tea with Cynthia because she's letting bygones be bygones because that's what a good Christian does. Well, it seems like an awfully selective mentality to have

when you are letting bygones be bygones as a good christian and you're using that as a chance to talk about your grudges with candy sound like all the bygones are bygone um yeah that's what i love about phadra selective i love all the i love all the horrible things about phadra i think she's so funny. She's obviously still mad at Cynthia. I don't even know why they were shooting together. And I feel kind of bad for Cynthia because she really doesn't have anybody to talk to.

Nobody really wants to hear it. Even the poor woman at the tea shop was like, oh my god, you're so boring. And I'm a woman who works at a tea shop and you're boring me. I'm at a place where you can just add honey to anything and it's delicious and it's not working on you. You're literally in the middle of just add honey and you're still boring me to tears. Someone, the reason why I even have this shop was because I want to bet that if I could do the most boring thing possible

and I thought I found it and then you walked in and now I realize I've lost the bet. I mean, even the place you meet Cynthia is the most boring thing possible. And I thought I found it. And then you walked in and I realized I've lost the bet. I mean, even the place you meet Cynthia is the most boring place in the world. It's like, I'm going to shoot with Cynthia. I guess we'll go to a tea shop then. I might as well get my tea. So funny. So it's really awkward.

And they're pretending that they're there for each other, but not at all. Because Candy's like, well, I know what you're going through with your husband being a low-down, dirty cheater. Because remember when you were mocking me last year at P.F. Ching's and I almost fell on a hibachi grill? Or whatever the stupid story was. And Cynthia's like, well, I did apologize for that. And I'm truly sorry. And please be nice to me. And she's like, okay, then.

Just like Jesus did it. What was the scene? It was so weird. It was like Pedro throwing kind of hate bombs. Basically, Pedro is like, alright, well, I'm going to recruit you for my side and Cynthia's like, okay, I'm going to need you on my side because I'm going to get into a fight with someone. I don't know who, so let's just

be allies because we don't have anyone else. Cynthia's sort of like, well, I don't have Nini to hate on anymore, so I guess I might as well figure something out with someone. I don't know who. So let's just be allies because we don't have anyone else. And Cynthia's sort of like, well, I don't have Nini to hate on anymore, so I guess I might as well figure something out with you. Yeah, and the main theme of cutting back and forth was Phaedra was saying, oh, it was this thing with Candy.

It was hurtful. And then it cuts to Candy going, it was hurtful. And getting all upset with Sharae. And Sharae's like, she talked to N talked to mimi oh no you know that's a problem yeah it gets all up in it love it uh more sheree what else oh yeah more sheree and i want her getting mad at people so then we go to uh kim's house and she has kim has the cutest family oh my goodness her son sebastian he's so sweet what a like an adorable little boy and then her husband is so cute i'm like oh my god i love

the fields is they're so adorable they are cute i was bored though oh yeah they were totally boring but they were just you know it was it was typical like kim feels like well i'm a mommy and now i'm gonna like come up with maternity wear because that's really novel no one comes out with maternity wear it's never on shark tank i'm gonna do that and uh-oh and i can't do my little video because the kids are upstairs i'm distracted i'm like please don't make your entire season stories about maternity wear and mommy things i think she's one of those ladies who's like okay i'm gonna go on that show to promote my products and just do it and stay normal and i'll be the normal one and then we have to see if someone can make a really break and turn crazy

yeah but that being said her husband is seems like so sweet when they were like kissing each other in the forehead i don't know i just was like oh they're so cute i'm like now get off my tv you're boring she said now my husband is a perfect example to my boys about how a man should be and i wrote down you know he wears khaki pants and then it cuts to him and like mom mom wasted khakis and i was like yes called it yeah no they're too nice to be on reality inspiring your men the one in khaki you know dockers yeah i and i mean honestly her son the way her son was like talking to like the little baby i don't know i was like oh my god i was like i feel like that kid too sebastian i feel like he gets made fun of at school or something i'm like no no one no one better say anything bad about

sebastian he is an angel who has descended on Bravo. Yeah, they're all pretty cute. And I really like that she is selling something that's maternity clothes that you can still wear. Because I think that everything that she's wearing is like her, you know, flowy maternity shirts or whatever. It's like you can just always wear them. Either that or you just really shaded her wardrobe. Well, they're literally everything is the same. She's like Gail Simmons, but, you know, a little flowier and a larger size.

That's it. I hope you meet her someday and be like, oh, my God, Kim, so great to meet you. And I just love that you wear maternity wear as your everyday clothing. And she's like, this is from. Listen, if I met the inventor of elastic waistbands i'd hug him too you know i wouldn't feel fake i'm being serious like you can be pregnant you can just gain some weight you can lose some weight it's always a flowery flowy it's always like mrs roper you know but younger at a bar kind of thing yeah i like it, I guess. I mean, you know, comfort. Comfort first.

Comfort first. So then we go to the candy factory where one of the assistants is making bacon and then the whole gang is there. You got Carmen and Don Juan and Todd and this season Candy decides she wants to open up a restaurant, which is the dumbest thing.

She's pregnant. What's she doing opening up a restaurant? You know how impossible it is to open up a restaurant? which is the dumbest thing. Like, she's pregnant. What's she doing opening up a restaurant? You know how impossible it is to open up a restaurant? And even worse, because she's pregnant, she's basically going to be leaning on Todd to launch it, which seems like the worst idea of all time. It is going to be such a terrible, shitty restaurant. Don't let Todd open up a restaurant. Oh, my God.

It's all going to go wrong. He's going on a power trip. He's going to be condescending to everyone. I smell a spinoff. It's like Vanderpump Rules in Atlanta and Don Juan is the evil manager. Now, I was watching you fill that water and that water deserved better.

That glass was not treated properly. I'm like going off on everybody in the meetings. Yeah, he's going to... Someone's going to order something and be like, Oh, can we have some more bread? Oh, you want more bread? You think you really need more bread? I'm looking at you.

You don't need any bread, okay? What you need is a scale. In fact, get out of this restaurant right now and get on that scale because you do not need that. I don't do enough for you? You're like, sir, can I please have some more mustard? Oh, really? I didn't do enough for you the first time? You need this now too?

Well, that's not really in my job description, okay? I mean, you only get so much for your dollar. Don Juan. So good. I can't be a busboy and a chef and a waiter and a host. I just was asking for some water. Well, guess what? It's a drought in California.

And I heard what you guys were talking about, and your relationship is fucked. If you're going to sit there and listen to everything he says, you're an idiot. You should be breaking up with him. You're an idiot to even date this fool. All I was saying was I was sad that we accidentally blew out the candle on the table. No, the flame went out. That's what you're saying. I'll tell you what's not an accident, that you're going to get a divorce.

Because I told you in the first place, you shouldn't have married that fool. And you're going to still go ahead and marry him. Fine, don't listen to me. I'm not a psychiatrist. I'm just the waiter and the manager and the doctor and the nurse. You want to know what the daily special is? It's not you

because he's treating you like shit. There. Set. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's

industry's Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small town values break

in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all coveted academic top 10 curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where

power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History

for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. So,

you know what I love about Don Juan is that he looks like a cartoon cat. Like, he looks like either Tom or Jerry, whichever. I don't know which one's which. I never knew. But they, like, doesn't he look like a cartoon cat? He looks kind of like a snappy bobblehead. You know, like in a car how the bobblehead's just always kind of bobbling,

but his isn't a bobble. It's more of like a snap. Like, boom! And here's this, and boom! And this person's treating you like shit! And boom! I'm not taking this shit from you! It's like snappy bubble head. They need to invent that for turns. Maybe it'll only work on hard turns.

I think he looks like Tom from Tom and Jerry. I'm going to find another cartoon cat. But Tom's so lovable. And he's always the one that's like, Jerry's always winning in the end or whatever. But Tom also gets so angry so easily, you know? Oh, that's true. I love a ragey reality person. But yeah, he's going off.

So Don Juan, blah, blah, blah. Skipped ahead a little. Who cares? Portia gets mom ready. Okay, so Portia is getting ready for this sip and see. And it is the most awkward thing in the world because she's really up. thing in the world because she's really up like she's either popped a couple addies

or done a little or just some good old fashioned GNC clear energy whatever it is but she's like hi hi I'm getting ready all my hair all my makeup oh mom when was the last time you saw me this excited

and then they cut to her mom and it just looks like poor Jax's mom sitting on that cum-stained couch looking at all the things he's stolen from Vanderpump and his big awkward pumpkin face. Like, please stop. Stop. That was her mom's face. I like when Portia said that a guy has to be pretty important for me to introduce him to my family. I'm like, I feel like you probably introduce everyone to your family oh my god like i mean how important does that have to be just closeted and

possessive is that it i mean she probably just like she gets a pizza delivery guy she probably brings him upstairs like mom look you know oh she's gonna marry every single one well when all that stuff with her husband was going on and he like changed the locks and stuff to keep her out of the house remember all that like he was kicking her out and uh she went on an interview and said well i'll go back to him if he apologizes he changed the locks darling you're gonna be waiting a while darling darling thing i feel bad for her because you know we all know that person who's so desperate to be loved they just try and grab onto any you know anything passing by to save them yeah well she i don't think she's desperate to be loved i think she's desperate to be knocked up because

then lauren goes in the bathroom and it's like i need to sit down and porsche's like what and then lauren's like oh yeah by the way, I'm pregnant. That's the way she says it to Portia and her mom, which felt very – did not feel real. I feel like they already knew because how would you – that's how you break it to your mom and your sister? Like, oh, yeah, I'm expecting. Anyway, see you later. And Portia, you could see Portia's pissed. Well, she didn't – I mean the way I saw it was the way she was breaking it was on porsche's fake wedding night or whatever the hell porsche is trying to make this into i mean porsche is being bat mitzvahed basically by herself she's throwing her own

baptism party or whatever but she's you know being blessed by the sperm of a 24 year old instead of whatever anyway she's making this into a huge deal and her sister she didn't just come out and say it she made a big dramatic thing where she had to go to the bathroom and was over the toilet about to vomit in her giant eyelashes. And then Portia's crouching behind her at a bad angle with a big hole in her armpit on her dress, which was so sad. It's like her sister forced her into her own drama at a bad angle in a bathroom

and ruined her baptism by 24-year-old sperm. And, you know, you go, sister. Yeah, Lauren. Good for you. All about Eve. Like, the sister's going to take over. Yeah. I don't think they knew about it,

because Portia looked genuinely disappointed when she heard. Yeah, she did. She was sad. Like, Portia wants to be the best she wants well she wanted to have twins remember she told the doctors to get her twins yeah and she's the you know she's the one in the family who was married to the rich guy and she was the princess and then you know her sister is kind of taking her place and she's like clinging to a piece of really rich driftwood that's floating down the river. I feel for you, but you're still dumb.

Well, speaking of the rich driftwood, so now it's the sip and see, which is really, it's Duke's going away party. That's what we find out. Duke is about to go up to Buffalo, I guess for football. And so...

As one does. As one does. So Portia, like, she gathers all these people and just seems really, really over the top for a new relationship, if you ask me. And that eventually does come out. But then, so people drive out to Portia's place and Cynthia, oh God.

God bless Cynthia trying to be funny. She's like, I'm looking forward to meeting Portche's place and cynthia oh god god bless cynthia trying to be funny she's like i'm looking forward to meeting porsche's new man however i'm looking forward to the gas voucher that i hope she gonna give me for driving these 2 000 miles to drive out here i'm like oh cynthia it's like it's not funny no one cares how far away porsche lives it doesn't like resonate with us like oh cynthia be on facetime so I could close the lid yeah yeah so they have this party and she's like okay everybody it's so exciting wow it's a party wow and her friends are like gross this is the judgey gay the judgey gay is rolling his eyes the entire time and he's

talking to the sister they're all talking her and the guy comes in with his buddy and they're like surprise and she has people doing i don't know they're waving pom-poms or something like a chair i guess and he pooped the floor it's like the poor guy it's like he's young you know and it's to be expected but like change his diaper the guy's like the floor this is he's like this is our fourth date i mean signs that you're getting into i mean talk about stage five clinger um she is like stage 35 clinger i knew i was in trouble when she sprung for the cupcake but you know i also loved how then meanwhile the other side of the party But, you know, I also love how then, meanwhile, the other side of the party, this gay guy does not like Duke at all. And he is fully throwing shade.

And he's like, oh, yeah, you know, he likes porn stars. And then Kanye's like, see, see, nah, according to Google, he likes trannies. Well, now it makes sense, by the way. I mean, no wonder why he likes Portia. She looks like she could be walking around Santa Monica monica on highland maybe she's holding out maybe she's just being really sexy and being like we're not gonna get together until we're married maybe he's i think she has a dick i think she just has a type she has a type she likes guys who don't like she likes freaky guys she likes freaks yeah maybe she's a little freaky under there.

But yeah, so they showed some Instagram or some TMZ story. I don't even know what it was. Which, but, yeah. It's just basically him with a trans. Yeah, like a trans hooker or something. And they're all going off on that and Pager goes,

well, Jesus loved hanging out with prostitutes and lepers. Thankfully, there wasn't a Google back then. I love her and her stupid sayings. Phaedra. I know. My queen. And they're obviously so rigged to get a search result.

Yeah. Okay. It's called Cicero. So, I love how Duke's friend is overwhelmed by all of it. He's like, damn, she's a lot, bro. I'm like, yeah, no kidding. No kidding. She threw a party.

I can't imagine what the future parties are going to be like for Duke. He's going to take a shit, and she's going to have a marching band come through the bathroom. Well, I think once she has that ring on her finger and maybe a baby to make sure that her payments are going to be secure she'll be okay i mean this is like a girl who's just trying too hard for the job you know it's like i got your resume okay i didn't need your like a diorama of the new office you would build if you have it i don't need like your vision board too you know yeah videos and yeah and there was also something sort of emasculating of when she made her speech and was like calling him her trophy man and i mean she clarified she said like oh

he's my mvp but like there was something about it that just i'm like you are scaring this guy away like this was he had fear in his eyes and his friend was like his friend was like practically scoping out the side door just like open be like quick quick get out this way get out this way his friend's advice his friend was like man you just need to stay just stay and he's like okay and kept drinking like he was gonna bolt but yeah porsche's speech was hi everybody thank you coming. I would like to welcome the newest addition to my family, Duke. I want you all to accept our relationship because we love each other more than anything. I got this trophy to award you the MVP.

And that means, I don't know what it means, but I love you. And I can't wait to see what you're gonna buy me you're officially my trophy husband I was like what the hell yeah

oh my god and then she's gonna tie a long silk scarf around his neck and lead him into the office and not pay attention when the elevator doors

close on him and he goes up to another floor and she bangs on the elevator doors another big business reference cause Lily Tomlin has a dog named Duke in that movie. Remember that scene when she leaves the dog in the elevator but she walks into the office with a leash and the door is closed. She's like, I found him in the park.

That basically is the love story of Portia and Duke, is Lily Tomlin and Duke and big business. Everything. But Duke keeps trying to run away. Poor thing. He can never do it. So then Candy and Phaedra meet up at Candy's office. And they have the same old talk.

I was pulling back because of this. And this hurt me. And that hurt me. And that hurt me. And this hurt me. It's like, well, you're not here. I'm opening up a restaurant. And we don't know who I'm doing paper placemats or glass surfaces. See?

No. Restaurants. I could have called you. But you wouldn't answer the phone. And Phaedra's like, well, how do you think I like when the bank calls and they're like, where are the ATVs and boats and motorcycles that Apollo is hiding? And I don't know. And then I find them on Craigslist in your apartment or whatever. It's like hiding assets for apollo basically

and candy's like whatever she has more to worry about than a couple of motorcycles it's like damn yeah now here's the thing like you know i love candy and we always talk about the fact that candy seems so nice and everything but she has this sort of like inner core that's like very tough and the truth is she was in the beginning of the conversation candy was sharing with phaedra about how she was feeling and she felt like phaedra pulled away and she thought everything was cool and she finds out page was talking to nini about her and it was really upsetting and she's basically asking phaedra for some sort of empathy and sympathy and seeing where she's coming from and then phaedra's like well here's where it was from my point of view and candy just

gives her this look like nope no that doesn't no that's wrong nope nope nope i'm like the issue the issue isn't really as much with candy and phadra it's with todd and candy because todd is friends with apollo and yeah and uh candy is sticking to todd's side no matter what because but the point is they're like well you had an affair with chocolate why are you acting like it's this big deal that he had an affair with you know whoever and uh you know they think she's being a hypocrite which she is but she's like you're my girlfriend you're supposed to be on my side not his i mean what the hell yeah and well the thing is that candy though it just seemed like candy was not open to really hearing pedra's side and i love candy but it just seemed like Candy was not open to really hearing Phaedra's side.

And I love Candy, but it just seemed a little, you know, I think Phaedra has a point about, like, well, you, like, you are keeping Apollo's stuff and you're supposed to be my friend. Even though it's not like a big, like, I don't really see how it would impact a friendship technically. It just feels weird. Well, she's heard it a million times. So I think she's not really disregarding it as much as saying, like, look, bitch, I disagree with you. I told you I disagreed with you. That's the father. The kids should be able to go to prison and see him.

You already know how I feel. Like, are we going to be friends and move past this or not? And then Phaedra's like, yeah, but I'm hurt because you're on his side. It's like, bitch, are you going to move side it's like bitch are you gonna move past this or you're not gonna move past this because it was weird though because you know i i just no i i mean can't candy's i understand that part of candy it just the way it was edited the way it appeared was that candy was looking for phadra wanted phadra to hear her and candy did not candy seemed pretty shut down to me I think so

I didn't I just don't think that's I think when you were really trying to save a friendship you you have to just really hear the other side too and and like meet somewhere in the middle if you can and look like Candy was pretty much shut down until and then and then finally Phaedra was like

okay well I just want to be friends with you etc and i'll call todd and yada yada yada and it seemed like it ended in a good place and then it was weird because she shuts down honestly because phaedra turns everything into this victim this victim thing where she's like but you couldn't understand what it was be like it was like being a poor wife who was not only cheated on but her husband was out in these clubs and all this stuff when i think candy's like please phaedra yeah you like went and you got this guy on purpose to get you pregnant because he was some hot criminal i agree you know i think

she's i agree but i just don't think she's not gonna play into that bullshit where she's like i don't feel for you you got what you you fucking deserved, in a way. Not what you deserved, but you can't be shocked. If it's still a really close friend of yours, even if she does feel that way, you know, she was not... There's got to be a way to express that in a way that's like, well, you know, I know what you're saying, but, you know,

this is where I feel like there might be some shortcomings. I just think that there's a little bit more of mama joyce and candy than she probably realizes well i'm just saying i think there's like a little bit of stubbornness in candy when it comes to well so what was funny is that in the middle of this stubborn but i think it's because she knows she's right and phaedra's just well she is probably right you know make everyone cry for her when it's like yeah she's not as much of a victim as she's acting like you know i mean at the end of the day she's on up she's on they betrayed each other because candy is on apollo's side because of todd and phaedra got her back by going to nini which is the ultimate betrayal so

it's kind of like they fucked each other over and they're just going to have to get over it. What are you going to do? You can't undo it. You can't undo the Nini bride of Frankenstein hair. You cannot. So then what was funny was that during this emotional scene, the producers

kept on cutting to Don Juan, sneaking around like he's a little cat burglar. And then finally the scene ends and Phaedra and Candy have a really honest moment or seemingly honest moment and they're hugging and they're resolving to fix things and it's like a happy ending. It's like,

oh good, everything's fixed because I've never I don't know about you, I've never liked this fight between the two of them. I like it when they're friends. I like it when they're friends. So I'm like, oh, good. This feels good. Yay. And then Phaedra walks out and it's like, yay,

everything is good. And then in walks, walks Don Juan. And he's like, well, she does not have your best interest. And no, if you think you're gonna be friends there,

you're like, shut up. She's going to get an Emmy for that performance, crying over there on that heifer chair. Get out of here. That stupid bitch. I'm like going off. And she knew she was married to a criminal when she you know married yeah so like he was going off too angry

i just wrote down you're too angry you're this is like not your battle to fight like why do you care don juan just stay out of it he said you sat here and two you sat here and cried like two girls from the color purple yeah that was funny one Candy gave one of her confused faces. She kept pulling those like, those faces. It was so good. She should have told him to shut up. I didn't think that was appropriate as an employee

or as a friend, what he did, to be honest. Even if he was right, I do not think it was right. I think if you see two people and they've just buried the hatchet or whatever, it's not your place to go in and undo it, unless the producer you to and i'm like well guess what we'll put you on five more episodes if you do this then i understand yeah it's like the the uh part-time players are trying to take control of the storylines like he's doing that and then mallory is doing it kind of

over on the other over on the ray is str doing something. Yeah, everyone's trying to manipulate the main players. And Candy's like, whatever. I mean, I hope she was honest. And he's like, well, she wasn't. You're an idiot. He's like, now I gotta go find a little mouse. Goodbye. I've gotta go plan a menu. I'll be in the back.

Speaking of menus. That was the end of this, right? Wait, oh yes. You You know this episode was so good I almost wish I could take a picture of it And put it up on the wall If you know what I'm saying Ronnie Do you know what I'm saying I sure do

You know the holidays are coming And my family has a big box Of actual photographs Not just on a computer And everyone's like no one needs photographs anymore because we're everything's on the computer and so we're dividing up all these photos and you need to put you need to have respect for that those are real things put them in a frame yeah you know what i want to do i want to take a picture of roger rabbit

and i want to frame it and put on a wall and that And that way I can say it was me. I framed Roger Rabbit. I'm like, here's my grandfather coming over the border for the first time. And you're like, here's Roger Rabbit. They can mean the same to the both of us. Do you guys have a wonderful? My grandfather is Roger Rabbit. What's it to you? My grandfather carried your grandfather

over the border and then he killed him. Oh, what a story. The border of Toontown. The border of Toontown. Do you guys have a bunch of photos lying around or art rolled up in your closet just waiting for you to put it up in a nice frame and hang on your walls?

Now is your chance to get them framed and up at framebridge.com. Do you take a thousand photos and never put a single one in a frame now you can get those great memories off your camera and on your wall with framebridge.com please eddie go to framebridge.com that was my roger rabbit and now i'm actually doing the roger rabbit in my apartment doing the dance i'm throwing a wall on the hole I'm throwing a hole in the wall and I'm reaching through it and I'm pulling out the rest of the ad. So why FrameBridge?

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enter the code SIDESHOW at checkout, and to get 15% off and free shipping, receive your beautiful custom framed art that is ready to hang. Don't wait. This offer expires this week. So go to framebridge.com and use my code SIDESHOW. It's our code, really.

It's all of us. We all belong to the code. It's us, darling. Share the code. How lucky are you? How lucky is the code to have us to use it? Yeah, guys,

that's actually a really good deal. So if you haven't used it, it's a really good time. You know, it's a good Christmas gift right there. Take a picture of yourself and send it to your mom. Yes, memories are for the holidays, guys. Wowee, hugs. All right, so now speaking of just pictures of disappointment that parents can hang up across the country,

Vanderpump Rules. Yeah. The current employee wall, Vanderpump Rules. The current employee wall of Vanderpump Rules. By the way, Sheena needs to get involved with Framebridge because she got a lot of photos to canvas that got no frames going on in that small little apartment of hers. Did Picasso use frames? No!

Also, he didn't listen to people either, so, like, we're the same. Yeah. She's Juliet from Ladies of London right now. Yeah. By the way, so I actually, one thing that I loved was that this episode of Vanderpump Rules, the very first thing that we heard was Sheena going, Thanks, Carl.

Like someone, it was like, you don't even see her face. She's at a boutique. And you just hear her voice like Thanks Carl Thanks Ding ding Thanks Carl Thank you come again have a nice day

It's like everywhere she goes This episode had a lot more Lisa which I loved People like Lisa. She's got a high Q rating. Just put her in scenes for no reason. She's like, hello, darling. Yes, I own this restaurant.

All right, I want less crust on the ketchup bottles. All right, I brought someone to train you in to chip away the crust on the ketchup bottles. They're like, how could you do this? We know how to clean our ketchup bottles. They're like, how could you do this? We know how to clean our ketchup bottles. We're not idiots. I know. Lisa was, Lisa,

I just love when Lisa gets into like fake boss mode. She's like, it's time for a refresh. We need a refresh. New cocktail dresses, polka dots, and color blocking for everyone. Come on.

You all look like Minnie Mouse, slutty Minnie Mouse. Everyone get the new dresser. Get this fuck on you. for everyone. Come on. You all look like Minnie Mouse, slutty Minnie Mouse. Everyone, get the new dresser. Get this frock on you. All right, very nice. We're feeling that the dim black lighting is very, you know, last year, darling. So we're just going to be in the dark. All right.

It's going to be complete restaurant in the dark. All right, get ready. We've brought our best blind bartender to teach you all how to do it. Please welcome Stephen, the most amazing blind person we've ever met in our life. Stephen, take the floor. I could be blind better. I'd be a better blind person than that idiot.

Yeah. Yeah, no, it was, I love this. So you're talking about. So that was just a general opening. But Lisa, when it opens, Lisa's telling us. Last year I was so stressed getting Pump open. It was my little baby. And then it was born.

And that was just a tacky, obnoxious little thing with gigantic parts and lampshades that could stab you in the eye if you passed too close, darling. I need a break. you in the eye if you pass too close, darling. I need a break. You know, I put so much attention onto Pump that I didn't realize that sir was falling apart, much like Hanky the Swan. It was just limp and

just lying in the pond. I just had to give it some drugs and get it back up and going so I can paddle around and attack people. Bit of Rosa. Oh, Hanky the swan. I need to get Henke fixed, darling. I think he's got a cold from being attacked by the black swan. Oh, you should see the drama going on at the swan pond over at Villa Rosa, darling.

Oh, God. Henke the swan was jealous of the new swans and went out and got wasted at a club. And now he's not ready for his big performance at Villa Rosa. Hanky was friends with a squirrel who fucked another squirrel's wife, darling.

I mean, the pond, it's all a Twitter, darling. We have a real problem with Hanky. Hanky appears to have murdered someone,

another swan, but I don't know if the swan actually was killed or is there ever really another, is it just Hanky all along?

Oh, we have to take him to the vet. Hanky is the most beautiful swan and people are trying to kill it. Be nice to Hanky. Right, everybody? Be nice to Hanky. Oh, I have not been able to give enough attention to sir because Hanky's been seeing all the paintings in the house talking to him.

Got to take him to the vet. He's all broken now. Broken swan. Broken hanky. We had to take hanky to the vet because we only bought him to be a good wig for Ken in the future, but it's not growing any hair. We're going to fix that at the vet, Dunning. Fix hanky.

Lala, be nice to hanky, and I'll tell the other people to be nice to you. I was selling bumper stickers in the gift shop this year. They say, be nice to Lala. That's it. Honk if you want to be nice to Lala. Beep, beep. I can hear it now, darling. Hanky, honk if you like Lala. Hanky.

Honk, I said. Hanky tried to attack Lala. Hanky, you've really put me in a bind right here. I wanted to get you better, but if you get better, you have to promise not to be mean attack Lala. Hanky, you really put me in a bind right here. I wanted to get you better, but if you get better, you have to promise not to be mean to Lala. The other swans attacked Hanky for being more gorgeous, and then Hanky attacked Lala for being more gorgeous.

And I said, Hanky, you should know better. You've been slut swan shame telling. Be nice to Lala, being more gorgeous. And I said, Hanky, you should know better. You've been slut swan shame telling. Be nice to Lala, Hanky. Make an effort, Hanky. Make an effort. That's all I ask of you. You know, Hanky, do you even know how to make a pumptini? Do you? All right, Richardson, get in here. Teach Hanky a thing or two how to make a Pumptini Do you

Alright Richardson get in here teach Hanky a thing or two Oh my god that was basically the whole episode Okay bye Be nice to Lala Okay so For some inexplicable reason Lisa is shopping She's shopping

With Sheena and Katie So like here we are At a lovely dress barn You know like two blocks from the grove I just read a divine addiction That these dresses are in So Did you guys read

Did you guys read Hanky's column in this week's episode In this week's divine addiction Very informative Swan fashion If you can read through the blood spatter, poor Hanky. So she's going off because the girls are being mean

about Lala. And Lisa's saying, you know, Sheena should be no better because she was slut-shamed. And then we show then we get to see her being slut-shamed for the first time by Stassi which was hilarious. She's like, what? Where's table number 10 and stacy's like um i can guarantee you it's not fucking somebody who's married you whore it's like oh like this nice violin memory music yeah i i like how when lisa's

telling them to all be nice that katie's katie's like i just i just don't know if there's anything we'll have in common or if we'll be friends it's like he's, I just don't know if there's anything we'll have in common or if we'll be friends. It's like, he's just like, I don't give a bloody damn if you'll be friends. Just be nicer

and get along. Hanky is sick right now. I can't deal with this. All right? Hanky is sick. Oh, Sheena, I'm so glad you speak Hanky. Can you go tell him

to feel better? Oh, darling, Hanky's leaving for the season. Catch him. Sheena, tell Hanky to come back. Come back, Hanky. Wah, wah, wah, wah.

Was I just, like, too selfish for Hanky? Hanky's, like, flying away. Was I too self-centered to realize that Hanky was upset? Hanky needed more. Hanky was hiding his addiction. Hanky left for four days to sit in the living room and eat breadcrumbs. Hanky killed a gardener in the pond. Hanky fed another swad pop rocks.

Their stomach exploded. Now he can't deal with the pond. Hanky fed another swad pop rocks. Their stomach exploded. Now we can't deal with the pain. I thought I was gonna fix everything by getting on to Swanky and going- Swanky. Hanky. I thought Shay and I could get on to Hanky and he'd take us through a tunnel

and we'd all fall in love again, but no. Hanky wasn't about that. And these two girls sheena and katie both look like sudden soccer moms like the first season katie's like well we're models so like if you can't be like hot then don't come to sir okay like just deal with it like we call her horse face number two okay yeah and uh model and now they're standing there like two pissed off moms at a pta meeting like that new teacher skirt is too short you know and the principal's like darling i still remember when you were a whole get out of here tonight bell shrunk dismissed so the very first

thing they do as soon as lisa's like be nice to lala they immediately tattle and they're like they're like well she wasn't in italy and she had she. And they're like, well, she wasn't in an ancillary. She was with a sugar daddy. She wasn't modeling. And I love that Lisa's like, I don't care. I'm like, ow. Are you expecting me to get angry that I have an employee who wants to work more? I've never known one of you sluts to actually have two jobs.

Listen, as long as a girl swallows on her own time, you could learn something from Lala. You want to save up and you want to buy a home for you and your family? Blow a few people. That's a girl. I'm giving Lala a raise. Alright, be nice to Lala and always have a tissue on you, darling.

There's going to be a Lala fundraiser. Hashtag save Lala. And Lisa tells us, these girls have a plan. They're trying to push Lala out. But they don't understand. The more you resist her, the more I want to hug her. You know how it goes. Until she turns out to be a dirty whore and stabs me in the back on national television and makes me cry.

Until then, I love you, Lala. Let's embrace. Do you ever feel like Lala's real name is something like Lara or something like that? And they're like, oh, what's the new girl's name? And she was like, what was that? Lala. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Lala. Hello, Lala. It's like Jennifer. I'll go with it. Her name is Jennifer. Hello. Lala. Lala.

Lala. Lala. Hank, he's like. well she keeps going she's gonna literally turn into mask yeah this is all gonna make a lot of sense mother so then please let share come in and be sheena's mother with a fucked up face talking to the daughter with a fucked up face. Oh my God. Mask. So then we get to like one of my favorite scenes of the episode. Emergency bartender meeting.

Because Lisa wants to fix everything. So all the bartenders meet and it's like Tom and Ariana and Jax. And Ariana's like Norma Rae in this scene. She's like, listen guys, we are the biggest and best bartenders in town, and we're not gonna take this lying down. I want a union! Nap time for everybody, every 20 minutes! It's like, oh, shut up,

Ariana. What did you turn into this asshole? Norma Rae. I know. And they're like, they can't do anything better than us. I mean, we are the best in the business. We know when it comes to vodka tonics, two parts vodka, one part tonic. Or is it two parts tonic, one part vodka? We know.

We're on TV. Team, we are on TV. By the way, I want to say that the other bartender who's not a cast member, Anthony, who is in this scene, he lives somewhere in the neighborhood, and he occasionally will go jogging down hollywood boulevard shirtless and uh he's hot it's great that guy is hotness i was like who is that and why is he not on tv yeah and i've seen it number two when i could be looking at this guy he is is real hot, even with his janky manscaping. I, like,

he needs to be on this show a lot more. Yeah, he is. So anyway. He's like a young Eddie Cibrian. Very cute. Super, super cute. So anyway, the big news is

that to jazz up the Sur cocktail menu, they're going to have to learn some of the pump things. Like, they have to learn things like pumptinis and pump and glory

and the pump up the volume and the pump things. Like, they have to learn things like pumptinis and pump and glory and the pump up the volume and the pump blown a Spain and the pumple moose martini. The Vanderpump Pumpy Pump. All right, listen. I need you to remember to put the swirl straw in the pumptuntins, darling. Like what?

All right, we need, we need, everyone's going to learn the new drink. It's called a pumpernickel. It's all made of bread. We're all going to smoke pump gauze while we drink pumptinis eating a pumptuna sandwich with pump fries.

And so then they bring in the bartender. Tom. Tom. She's like, welcome. This is Tom, our star bartender. He helped invent the pumptini. And Jackson's like, yeah, yeah, and your dick's little, right? Yeah. Yeah, whatever, loser. And then Eric's like, that's what your mom said.

Ooh. I loved it. To me, it was like one of those cop movies, you know, when there's a local cop and the feds come in. The fed's like, all right, we're taking over this investigation. You're off the case. Like our small town police force can't handle a murder.'re like no no you can't they're like yes we can and then they never do yeah and then i love that like when jack's like i'm not going to and then ken comes in he's like all of a sudden he turns into like one of these british heavies he's like all right all right you get work when i say you work all right governor

you get work and I'm not going. You don't get to say when you don't get to work. All right now, Jax. Watching them all cry. And Lisa was hilarious because she's just doing it to fuck with them. She's like, everybody, I want you to know about the Pumptini. But most of all, look, pump has gone down in service and up in weight. All right.

Our Zagat weight rating is off the charts, darling. My fitness pal, all right? My fitness pump. All right, I'm bringing in the staff from pump so they can show you what working out looks like in a tight shirt. All right, get in here, darling, and shake something. And I was like, why are they being mean to this poor guy? And then he opens his mouth and he's like,

I invented the pump teeny, and it's Jennifer Lawrence's favorite drink when she came in here one time wasted on, like, three years ago. Congratulations, you came up with the idea of doing a raspberry martini. Guess what? I think it's been around a little bit. I muddled the raspberry instead of putting them in a hole.

Oh, never mind then. Before I added pump to things, people didn't know how to get gas in their cars, darling. I mean, they would just try and funnel it in there, you know? I said, gas pump. Boom. We've started a revolution, darling. Someone give a pumptini to Hanky.

He needs one. Hanky, get your neck up. A pumptini's coming through. Everyone be quiet so I can listen to the traffic I did that Gas pump Ken was, you already said this But I was dying when Ken was like

You work when I tell you to Whatever It was like slow fart Ken you work when we tell you to do you understand that mate jack's like well i don't want to work all right can't argue with that you can lead a horse to water that's all you could lead a horse you could lead a whole space to water but you can't stop it from drinking during its shift, am I right? So then more managerial greatness. Lisa goes to bust Lala's balls and she's like, all right, well, how was Venice?

She's like, it was good. What was the name of the photographer? What was the model? She's like, I mean, don't quiz me. I'm like, Lala, you had a week to come up with a lie. Come on now. She's hilarious. She's like, oh, so you were modeling, eh?

So what kind of style were you wearing? Trousers, shirts, blouses, dresses, formal, casual. Really? What was the weather like there? Oh, really? Did you meet a prince? What was he like? What was the weather?

What did he taste like? What did his penis taste like when you had it in your mouth? What really did you meet a prince what was he like what was the weather what did he taste like what did his penis taste like what when you had it in your mouth what gate did you arrive in um i love lisa because she's such a madam they need to have lisa another spinoff with lisa where it's just a brothel because this bitch is good at managing whores she's like i don't care what you do in your spare time i respect the fact that you work double shifts darling if you make if you make more money swallowing a load, go for it, darling. Just get your shifts covered. Listen, if you had a Saudi prince waiting to get his load swallowed and you couldn't come, you would send someone else to blow the poor guy, wouldn't you?

You wouldn't just leave him there with a full sack, would you, darling? Lala? She's like, no. All right, then. Good talk. Thank you. Back to work. you darling Lala she's like now all right then good talk thank you back to work well what I loved is that you know my first instinct was to say Lala you had a week to come up with a lie because you

knew the girls were going to tell Lisa you had a week to prepare to get all your entire story straight and instead she crumbles and and Lisa's like well she's like you know we can't start up with deception it's not right whatever so then Lala's like well you know um like well as it turns out i didn't even go to venice because i went home because i need my mama i need my mama because i had and she's like then lisa's like what what's wrong lala she's like well i just having a breakdown the other girls were being so mean to me so i just needed to go home and be with my mama you know there's some things i just need my mama and this is like oh that worries me and i'm like oh never mind lala you did come up with a lie why after all just one that she'll feel bad for she's like you had to spend a day not getting paid darling you were that upset you weren't stealing anybody or sucking dick.

That affects your bank account. We will make these girls pay, Lala. It's not right that other girls made you so upset that you couldn't go out and whore yourself out in Italy. That's not right. No. When girls are so mean to you that you get lockjaw,

that's the time for me to step in, Lala. And I like that sometimes she calls her Lala. Well, the thing about Lala is... Lala. Lala. No, I won't have it. You need to be the best slut that you

can be. So good. Okay, so Lisa is, of course, friends lying the lying hookup because she has a track record she's got a brandy behind her a cedric behind her for all we know this lala doesn't even have a mother she's just like making shit up because she knows lisa loves that shit you know cedric was like my mother was a whoreore in Paris and I had to sleep next to her at dumpsters while she turned tricks. And it turns out his mom's like an insurance agent from Florida or some shit.

I mean, I don't even know what that was. Lisa's like, I love the musical of Cedric. And Telet learned my pin number and cleaned me out. That one was embarrassing. Had to live in Calabasas. No, I didn't live in Calabasas. That's a lie. Who said that? Alright, I don't even know what I'm

talking about anymore. So now Sheena's crying to herself. Sheena's making hanky noises in the bathroom. So she's crying and Katie comes in. Meth, Kim. The sign when you go into the bathroom.

It's like, thank you for not smoking meth Kim yeah leave me alone so she's crying because Shay and I only got drunk last night and he hasn't been home since and he's not happy I'm like really Shay's not happy I wonder if it's all

the giant photo to canvases you have of you guys on your wedding day on every square inch of your tiny apartment. Maybe that's why. Maybe it is oppressing him. Hilarious. Jesus. This show is visually terrorizing sometimes.

I mean, this bathroom. I don't know that we spent much time in this bathroom on these shows, but that we finally saw this tiny bathroom is hilarious. Because that is, like I said, the Kim Richards drug moment in one of the finales or whatever that bathroom is famous and today we got to go in it and it's all these like little tiles made out of kind of glitter mirror you know like those 90s uh candace olsen or whatever do do swat the sweet candace olsen anyway little mirrored tiles and i could just imagine Kim Richards in there just staring at the millions of little Kim faces you know

like in a fisheye lens hey there's me too it's all me hey me what are you looking at me looking at me stop trying to take my picture paparazzis well I'll tell you one thing.

Kim would not be able to deal because the next scene was Lisa walking down the streets in WeHo holding Hanky the swan like a clutch. She's carrying this giant swan down the street and walked into the restaurant. And you know if Kim Richards were there, she'd be like, she's got a swan. What? I don't know. She just like would run out into traffic and get run over because it'd be too much for her to take. I was taking care of my neck.

But as it was, I love that Lisa walks into the restaurant and she's like, Ken, take hanky. She just gives a swan over. Only Lisa can walk down the street with a swan. Because swans are vicious and evil. And that swan, even if it was drugged up, that swan over. Only Lisa can walk down the street with a swan. Because, you know, swans are, like, vicious and evil. And that swan, even if it was drugged up, that swan's like, It's like, this swan had a whole mother in Paris, slept in a sleeping bag, and turned to its skin.

All right, take it and get it some homemade deer, darling. And just chop up the, cook it, have Penny cook it into something lovely. Poor Henky. Be nice to Henky, darling. All right, Henky, take a seat. We're about to learn how to wait on tables, have Penny cook it into something lovely. Poor Hanky. Be nice to Hanky, darling. All right, Hanky, take a seat. We're about to learn how to wait on tables, all right? You can learn something. Hanky is here to teach you.

He's our most popular swan in the pond, and he's here to teach you how to poop underwater and make it float. All right, Hanky, take the floor, darling. Hanky, where is your loose necktie? You're supposed to be dressed up for this. Hanky where is your loose necktie You're supposed to be dressed up for this So this Entrees

Another scene where Lisa is torturing the waiters And this time it's hot ass Richardson and listen I'm sorry but I have enough Trouble taking you seriously because You're on the show okay there's your first Bad second is that you spell Richardson with two

d's there's that what do you richard son get out of here richard so i i actually uh i actually know richardson and he is a lovely gentleman well i'm sorry probably because i don't know what he's doing apologize for the double d's in his name he's's like, sorry. Can you make me a new hello tag? I know. It's embarrassing. Happens to me every event. I was just going to say, I don't know what he's doing messing with these jokers. He should be out doing something more productive in his life.

Richardson, you just go be handsome somewhere. Richardson is going to teach you how to upsell. Richardson never sells an appetizer. He sells a five-courser, darling. Richardson, take it away! And they're like, oh, yeah? What did you invent? Dishes, Richardson?

Fucking loser. By the way, I just went onto Richardson's Instagram. He spells it only with one D. They must have made a mistake. They're like, he's not hateable enough. Give him an extra D in his name that'll turn him the extra d stands for do it richardson teach us everything everyone's like we don't need to learn more charm from richardson she's like yes you do richardson show him and he's like well hello ma'am uh how's your night horse face number number two is like, hi.

Well, you know, I'm pregnant, so I'm going to need certain kinds of things. I can only eat certain ingredients. And he's like, I wish it was me getting you pregnant right now. She's like, oh my God, I'll order a dessert and a bottle of champagne. And that's how to upsell, darling.

Make the desperado smile. Now, it's funny because when it comes to upselling at a restaurant, you know, I've heard that, yes, you're supposed to upsell because it's upselling. And then I've also heard that at a good restaurant, you're not supposed to upsell because it's sort of a trashy, not trashy, but it's like a, it's like a. It's tacky, but it's all in the, it's all in the delivery. It's tacky, but it's all in the delivery. I mean, no matter where you are, if you're at a Porsche dealership, it's the same as if you're at the Honda dealership. You're just trying to sell your cars, but you can't be too tacky. You can't be like, well, here's the golden element.

It's $9 million for no reason. You have to start them with the basic if they're poor, and then move them up to an air conditioner, then add a removable CD player. You know, you've got to do it subtly. Well, I loved all the waiters and waitresses sitting there with their arms crossed, all angry that they had to listen to Richardson

teach them how to... It was kind of funny because he wasn't doing anything that was... He wasn't like... It was like a TED Talk for the most basic stuff. It was like, oh, you know, when you see a customer, be nice to them. And they're like, yeah, what did you

invent? Welcome mats? Asshole. But the truth is those guys actually do need that. They're like, oh, fine. They're the worst. Lisa's like, look, Richardson poured water, brought bread, sold five salads, and did 30 push-ups.

All right. Katie hasn't even come to the table yet, darling. I mean, come on, Gordies. What about the fat fat? All right, darling. All right, Hanky, you give it a shot now. All right, faster, Hanky. Stop wobbling. Richardson, show them how I told you to greet the table.

And he's like, hello, table. Lala, you're looking lovely tonight. You see, he's not being mean to Lala. That's what I want you to do. All right, Richardson. Now Bjork Hanky. That's right. Pick him up and have Hanky wrap his neck around you.

All right, now go to a show. Bjork Hanky, darling. Bjork him right now. Look at that. See the way Richardson does that? Richardson knows how to Bjork him. Bjork him right now. Look at that. See the way Richardson does that? Richardson knows how to Bjork Henke. Now how about the rest of you try it?

Oh, I found Henke after he tried strangling Bjork at a fashion show, darling. She almost tossed him in the trash, but I've got him now. Be nice to Henke, Bjork. That's what I always say. That's why he's sick right now he's sick of being treated badly by bjork oh hanky it'll treat you nice so um then we had a scene that there was like nothing in this scene i don't know if you found anything funny but tom was modeling why are we watching tom like who cares why are we watching a whole five minute this was not like a little clip this was like tom and he's like yeah i'm like you know like when you're past that point

of being a douche but then you're like still kind of a douche and you're like getting perms but then straightening them with your fingers with gel because like that's what dishes do so like you know what i mean i'm like no why are you on my tv you don't even work here get out of here they're like it's like it's contributing to some like overarching thing about them i think it's it's just trying to like add some flavor to what will eventually be this proposal that no one cares about so then he's being forced into he literally says this he goes i'm staring down the barrel of the rest of my life and the price tag is huge. I'm like, what the hell? Why would anybody marry someone who describes it like that? Like, I'm staring down the barrel of a gun, and the price tag is huge.

But I'm feeling good about it, man. Well, it's called Stockholm Syndrome. My hairline's getting funny, as you can see by this hairstylist. And in model years, that means it's time to get married, okay? It's like the rings on a tree. So then we go to Horseface No. 1's apartment. Kristen, seriously? Seriously?

And it's like, I don't know why this made me laugh, but Kristen was with James on the roof of her building, and James is walking over to this little hot tub, and he's like, Kristen, my feet are burning up on the cement, Kristen. It's like, maybe that's because you cheated on it and it's mad. Meanwhile, you know the cement was probably like, you know,

65 degrees or whatever, but he's just so fair-skinned that everything causes him to sizzle. Oh, Kristen! Kristen! We have five more minutes out here, Kristen, before my skin starts burning off my bones kristen this is so funny because it's like the typical vanderpump rules hot tub scene where the water is like tinted yellow and it looks lukewarm just like no steam coming up

and it's just kristen sitting there with horse face like pensive horse face and then douchey James Kristen I'm blessed for this moment to be in a lukewarm p-tinted hot tub with you Kristen I'm so blessed Kristen and then they kiss and she's like well maybe it's because you're cheating like wow you know we fight Kristen and then it's fine. And then in another month, we fall into another predicament, Kristen. Okay, here's why I get mad. Because, like, we're doing okay, and then you, like, put your dick inside things. He's like, Kristen!

I've never cheated, Kristen! Yeah, and then it cuts to him being like, you know, I feel bad about lying to Kristen, but, you know, I had great sex with Jenna, so that was wonderful. I don't regret it. It was great. It's like, you know, I had great sex with Jenna, so that was wonderful. I don't regret it. It was great. No, I don't regret it. I regret having to

lie to Kristen, but I don't regret the sex with Jenna. It was hot. It was great. It was almost as hot as my career as I've now moved to a different corner of Sir. Now I'm by the bathroom. i can hear everybody being confused by the mirror toils and krista goes is that why you cheat because you're like insecure and so you need

to cheat and he's like no kristan it's because i don't trust you because you cheat and he tries to turn it into her cheating, which is true. And she's like, whoa, slow your roll, buddy. But, I mean, it is like Hitler yelling at Hitler. Yeah. But the thing is that, you know, she, I think Kristen having lunch with Jax is not necessarily the same. And he got involved with her knowing that she cheated. So I don't know what his problem is.

He's like a 22-year-old who's horny all the time. And he wants to bang girls. And Kristen should be going after someone else. He was a busboy who couldn't get airtime that fucked one of the crazy-ass psycho star waiters so that he could get a job. And he's done with her now. Bye. That's it. Bye.

Bye. Bye now. They cut to that lunch with Jaxx and i just laughed all over again he's like you can't be in a relationship with people you don't trust i'm like dude you both you fucked on someone else yeah your best friend's girlfriend who you're talking yeah and then you denied it so you're yeah i'm starting season two was so amazing i'm getting very Don Juan. Like, I'm too angry about something that I'm not even angry about. Like, I don't even care.

Well, then we cut back to Sir, the next scene, and guess what was happening? It was Lisa telling Katie and Sheena to be nice to Lala. Listen, girls, I wanted to pull you aside. I've had a conversation with Lala. And they're like, really? Is it about what a whore she is? Now listen. Katie's like.

She's going through difficult things, darling. Her throat hurts. It's making it hard to earn. And Katie's like, I haven't been mean. I know. I'm just like, you know, I just have concerns. It's like, shut up, Katie. You're mean.

You're mean. You always are mean to everyone, every season. You're always mean. Oh, poor Katie. Angry mother. Angry're always mean. Oh, poor Katie. Angry mother. Angry PTA mother. So she's telling the girls, she's like, she's going through a hard time. Be nice to her.

She's like, listen, I got it. You like her. But I have other things in my life. I don't have other things. I have other things. Because things are going bad for me in my life. That's happening in my life. But I guarantee you're bigger.

Like, seriously, there's a shortage of canvases. I don't know how I can make my next five photo to canvases. There's no more canvases left, okay? It's so us. I don't know. There's things that take precedence over Lala. Okay. And Lisa's like, very good.

So be nice to the Lala. Goodbye. Lisa's like, good job. Keep going through your things. Just do it with a pitcher in your hand. If you've got time to lean, you've got time to clean. Am I right, Lala? Good boy, Lisa.

Atta girl, Lala. Be nice to Lala. I'm just imagining Lisa swiveling around and walking out, and then Hanky doing the same thing, but giving them both a look like, I can't believe Hanky would do that to me when I'm going through such things. Why is everybody worried about Hanky's neck? What about my neck? I'm not having an easy time with the new swan either. I can't believe Lisa would buy a new swan the same time that I'm having issues with Shay.

I can't believe Lisa would bring up Hanky when Shay left because of my pain in the neck. This is rude. Things take precedence over Hanky. My favorite holiday is Christmas because that's when I get so many precedents. Oh, darling, you're crying crying Would you like a hanky I'm talking about hanky Be nice to Lala Be nice to Hanky

And I don't care about what's going on in your life Goodbye I'm turning her into Ann Robinson Goodbye And then Sheena Okay Lala We'll have some tea after I say my marriage I'm turning her into Ann Robinson. Goodbye. And then Sheena. Okay, well, we'll have some tea after I say my marriage. Whatever, get out of here.

So the next scene is Tom and Tom. Tom is tuning up his guitar, which I don't know why it's hilarious. There's like these huge, long, sharp guitar strings. And then they cut to the dog in a cone who's like bleeding from the eyes. Tom's like, whoa, dude. Turns out, like, if you pull one of these strings, it makes a noise. Whoa. Ding. Ding.

Oh. The dog was so amazed that he came too close. And now I'll never see it again. And I'm going to keep him anyway because that's what adult do. Adults do. Adulting! Adulting, man. We're such adults. So my only note on this scene

was that the Toms basically were sitting there reminiscing about all the stains on the couch and then Faith came by with a U-Haul and she took the couch, which I don't know why she would take the couch, and then it was basically it felt like it was ten minutes, even though it was only like five seconds, and then being like, bye Faith!

Bye Faith! Bye Faith! Bye, see you Faith! You're gonna take this couch, you sure? Do you have an ice pick to get off the cum stains? And she's like, that's really gross, so I'll be driving this to the end of the block and leaving it there. Thanks. She's like, I only agreed to take the couch that way.

I could be on TV. Welcome Faith to the cast. All right. Anybody have any furniture to get rid of or any reason that Faith should stop by? Anybody? Poor Faith. I got this used condom. Okay. Great. Faith, used condom on

Kings Avenue. I'm just here to get your old Keurig. Oh, hey, Faith. Hey, Faith. Hey, Faith. Hey, use condom on King's Avenue. I'm just here to get your old Keurig. Oh, hey, Faith. Hey, Faith. Hey, Faith. Hey, Faith. Bye, Faith. So then there's a scene. That'll be every time Faith comes on.

It'll just be like, bye, Faith. So then. Hey, guys, thanks for the mattress. We'll see you later. Bye. Bye, Faith. Bye. so then hey guys thanks for the mattress we'll see you later bye bye so then um lala so now lala goes outside uh to sit the little table with jacks at behind the restaurant and she's like everyone says like apparently jacks gets around a lot like apparently it's like a thing to get jacks which, which, you know, sounds kind of cool. I'm like, oh, God.

Yeah. Yeah. You're screwed. One thing I'm loving about Lala is she has the look in her eyes like she knows it's bullshit, but then she loves it, too. Because twice in this episode, she talked to Jax, who was being disgusting, and he looks horrifying. His face, and he has this big leaky scar. I mean, it looks like there's pus coming out of that thing. It's like mixing with his eyeliner that he's wiping across his fucking swollen face.

It's not cute. Not a good look. And now he's got this weird. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, I was just saying, he looks like one of the bosses from Super Mario Bros. 2. The fire boss. Glad I waited for that one.

Bow-bow. Yeah, I know. I was like, okay, Ron. Bow-bow. Yeah. Well, the funny thing was last season they brought on Vale, remember? And Vale was pretty and she's pretty smart and pretty self-possessed. And she was like, man, she'll flirt with Jax but she was not

she did not want to sleep with Jax they were like oh wait a second you know what always works when we bring people on who like to have sex with Jax so let's get this slut oh sorry Lala I didn't mean to call you a slut but you were going to go whore yourself off in Italy but like they're basically like let's get this girl who'll bang her way to the top

they'll make it for fun times so of course now we have Lala she's like yeah I totally want to get Jax so they're like chatting and Jax has this like faux concern for her he's like so are the girls treating you well she's like I totally feel like I'm in junior

high school here and he's like yeah I didn't go to that but I mean it's sad they are bitches and she's like, it's like dodgeball. And he's like, nope, nope, never heard of that. But, yeah, they're bitches, right? I'm like, I think it feels like junior high school, Lala, because you're only 14. And also, I like that she's anti-type.

Because most of the women are like, I'm a guy's guy, you know, this kind of girl. And she's not she's like i'm normally a girl's girl but since they hate me for out whoring them and being younger i guess i'll be friends with the guys fine yeah yeah exactly and then of course jacks is like saying that the girl from kentucky isn't his girlfriend he's like no no she's just this girl i like basically just met her at an airport once, and she followed me here, you know. But I love when they do this. Whenever they poke holes in Jax's bullshit, when they cut to him being like,

so, do you want to be exclusive? Which is like last week when he was like, no, it's not like we're moving in or anything together. And they cut to him being like, so, you want to move in? Love this show. Well, thank God he got someone who probably doesn't know what exclusive means she's like sure you just tell me what to do i'll be here when you get home okay keeping the bed warm it's amy at home yeah i know why it's not one everything honey so yeah so that's gonna be trouble so lala likes the douche factor she's both amused by it and i guess like her vagina gets bored i mean i don't know why you would talk to jacks and he's like whatever

don't worry about it there's plenty of dudes here there's like tons of girl i mean there's tons of dudes like just keep fucking she's like okay good advice uh okay i'm gonna tweet now bye shug she even says bye like a hoe at the end of the day. She's like, bye, Suge. I know. Took this money out of your wallet. Bye. She's like, now I'm going back to my hive of folly. He's like, yeah, there are a bunch of treasonous whores here.

Oh, Charlie Sheen. Never end. So, Ariana and Sheena. Okay. So, now here we are at the little hanky jewel Telling The jewel in hanky's crown And yes he does have one telling The inner sanctum of Sheena's life

Is this bedroom So last week we got to see the living room Wow Now was there any wonder why Shea was driven To drink It's like the set designer for Married with Children came in and built her a home. I'm like, what is this? This looks like the apartment I'd imagine Janice from Friends would live in.

You know? Yeah, it's awful. Awful. This tiny little bedroom with still more of these photos from their wedding. The photos themselves, the content of these photos from their wedding. These are the photos themselves. The content of the photos is terrible. Like they're bad photos and they're blown up on these huge canvases that don't even fit on the wall.

They're like hanging over into the doorframe, you know, billboards and her big gigantic head frame, which, you know, she got in like little Armenia or something. It's like white pleather with big, sharp gold,

plastic, jewel, diamond things. And it's like a, that's like not evenather with big, sharp, gold, plastic, jewel, diamond things. And it's like not even like a queen-size bed. It was like a full, you know? It was just like – so, of course, I mean, Shay every night has to go to sleep in this bed with its satin covers or whatever, you know, crammed up against Sheena under a stupid thing on the wall that says, like, love, live, and laugh, or whatever. You know, giant, giant, oppressive photo to canvases

of these cheesy poses. I mean, on either side of their headboard. So you wake up, and you've got one that's of the couple on the wedding day, you know, and he's looking at Sheena, and she's looking away from him, which I think is hilarious, because that says so much. And then on the other side of the bed, you have one looking at Sheena and she's looking away from him, which I think is hilarious because that says so much. And then on the other side of the bed,

you have one of just Sheena and Sheena's looking away at whoever over the bed at herself looking away from Shay. I'm like, this relationship, all you have to do is look at the bad art to figure this one out. Yeah.

Yeah. No, it is absolutely. I don't know why he'd be uncomfortable. So he got a bloody head trying to get out of bed a couple of times. But, you know, Jules, it's worth it, right? And Ariana's like, whoa, I had no idea you lived like this. I'm so sorry. I almost dumped you, darling.

She has one of those big light bulb mirror things that my mom used to have in the 80s you know baby you can see there's just a bed it just there's no even sign that he lives in this bedroom you know like the one it's just like the the the red flags are everywhere like she has not allowed him until like she just obviously runs the show he went it's like waking up to to be i imagine when he wakes up it's like the same it's like her in his face being like we're married we're married we're married we're happy we're happy we're happy i mean i would drink too i think she's one of those girls who didn't even think about the actual guy she just wanted to get married so bad and it was

like okay i have a job now i'm making some money it's time to get married because you get married then you have a baby and that's what you do and this guy's my boyfriend so we're gonna get married and then she actually does it and all the pictures are taken and all the you know gifts are open and then she's like oh my god now i'm just in bed with some fat guy he's addicted to pain pills and those i mean those i i mean those pictures are so bad you know what they're like the pictures that come pre-loaded with a new picture frame at a drugstore you know like but not as good but you can't rip them off the canvas like you could at least change those you know it's like On the campus. Yeah. Oh, God. It's like Picasso, darling. It's like a Keith Haring.

You're like badly drawn little figures. I can't decipher. Get those things off the wall. No apartment, no matter how tacky it is, deserves that on its face, darling. Be nice to your walls, darling. Be nice to la-la walls. Be nice to your walls. Be nice to Lala walls. Be nice to Wal-Wal. Wal-Wal.

Wal-Wal. We're officially losing our minds. I thought you said Wally, but Wal-Wal works. Wal-Wal. Wal-Wal. Be nice. Oh, Jesus. You know what, Tom? When I found out that you punched a hole in your wall, wall. Wall, wall. Be nice. Oh, Jesus. You know what, Tom?

When I found out that you punched a hole in your wall, I was furious. Be nice to wall, wall. Walls protect us, Tom. All right? Walls protect us. Smooth it over with wall, Tom. All right? You heard me.

Don't ever tell my wife that you're not going to smooth things over with wall again. Tom, get Spacky Spackle, all right? Put him next to Wal-Wal. So Ariana's visiting her, and she is, like, finally telling everyone the truth. Because, I guess, I don't know. I mean, I guess no one saw this one coming. So Ariana's, like, looking guilty that she's been talking bad about Sheena. You can see it all over her adult face.

And Sheena just starts going into this monologue. And it is so cute. And it's very sad because obviously her feelings are hurt and we like her. But it's also really hilarious because she's Sheena. And she's like, you know, it's really hard. I mean, Sheena's gone for like four days. Like, TCBY, stop picking up the phone. And like, I've looked all over Azusa.

I can't find him anywhere. If he's a Carl's Jr., he's really taught him how to lie well. And then, like, Tom's gonna... Tom's gonna buy a ring for Katie. And I'm just, like, thinking... I just want to tell him, don't do it. I'm like, oh, my God. Now you're gonna...

Don't stand in Katie's way. Poor Katie. Finally gets a proposal, don't do it. I'm like, oh, my God. Now you're going to. Don't stand in Katie's way. Poor Katie. Finally gets a proposal and she stops it. I know. Yeah. Watch Sheena be the one. Of course Sheena. This is what happens when you.

Oh, go ahead. Sorry. No, no, no. You do it. I hear one pause. No, no. You say it. I don't even know what you're going to say.

I don't even remember what I was going to say. Something about. This is what happens when you. Gobo cafe or whatever oh seen her but she's going off on this whole monologue and she's like am i so am i so self-absorbed i couldn't even see what was going on in my own house and then it cuts to her in the middle of the bed with these pictures staring away from shay yeah dying yeah no that was an amazing line when she Dying. Yeah, no, that was

an amazing line when she said that. Actually, I think that was at the end of the episode when she said it, but that was my last note. I said, the quote, am I so self-centered that I don't see what's wrong literally in my home? And I said, exhibit A, photos. Yes. Yes, you are. Sheena, you're right. You had

a moment of amazing introspection for a flicker of a second there. She rips off her eyelashes at one point. She's like, I don't even know why I'm wearing these. I didn't need these for that Abseil meeting. Only I would wear mink to an Abseil meeting. Am I that stupid? I Abseiled myself. I can't believe it. I'm just that good. Am I that stupid? I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am

I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I I heard the swans were sick. Oh, no. And she's like, oh, yeah, it's terrible. The swan, you know, the hanky. I think he might have bronchitis or something. I don't know.

She's like, oh, I do hope the hanky gets better. I'll get some antibiotics from Jax, darling. And he's like, or condoms in case you want to fuck that swan silly. Am I right, Lisa? It's like, oh, James, fucking douchebag. Get out of here. He's like, well, I'm going through a bad patch with Kristen. And she's like, James needs Kristen like he needs oil on his ass.

Which I don't know what that meant, but I would assume that he. I thought she said a boil on his ass. Oh, a boil. I was like, he probably does need some oil on his ass. Yeah. Well, I just love that Lisa literally was like, well, between the bar and hanky, I'm just riddled with problems. Yes, yes, the hanky. Someone have hanky.

James needs someone emotionally supportive. It's not easy pouring water and then turning iTunes play buttons. It's very difficult. He needs a supportive woman at home, helping him build his iTunes empire. He needs a gift card card a woman with gift cards so then um so then we have some ring shopping a scene of ring shopping i didn't write down any notes in the scene because again i thought it was kind of like i just wrote that diamond

like a chip like they dropped a fake diamond on the floor and that chipped off and he was like here's seven thousand don't pay seven thousand dollars a ring when you're going to a guy's apartment in like, I don't know, like Koreatown. And there's a refrigerator in like the, the studio apartment refrigerator is in there. Don't spend seven grand. Yeah.

It's an apartment. From like a jeweler that you met in your three minutes that you were a bartender at pump well and i saw him like you at first i didn't see him because there was a giant planter in the way but then when i craned my neck around i was like hey there's a guy there let's be friends i happen to be working on the day that uh shazza sunset was shooting and this guy was watching him and uh we met wow good story what a romantic story so he pays seven grand for something watching him. Hannah. We met. Wow. Good story. What a romantic story.

So he pays seven grand for something. Anyway, who cares? So then they get talking about Sheena and Sheena's trying to be all normal. She's like,

yeah, haven't seen him in a few days, but you know. I just like that noise. I've called every point of comparison. I've called

every picket of masks. I've called every Paquito Mas. Just trying to stay calm while I connect the donut holes. I just, you know, I called Fuddruckers and I said, is he at the produce section? Is he at the marketplace section? Is he by the soda fountain? Like, no, no, no.

Every time I walk past a Lazy Boy store, I look to see if he's sleeping on one of those chairs. He loves to do that. I've called every relax your back. Nope. Nowhere. I even called Tuesday morning. He's not there either.

And then the guys are trying to, of course the guys, Tom's like, man, I hope that he wasn't, I hope that he wasn't drinking too much and then sheena like gave him shit about it because that'll probably just make him feel like shit and want to drink more i'm gonna call him he needs my support but why is it why is it always the guy who gets

the support you know yeah he laughed me and he's like well probably because she's annoying i'm calling him oh god then sheena acts like a tough girl. But, you know, under those eyelashes are other eyelashes. You know what I mean? Deep, Jack. That's stunning. Yeah. Good.

So then James goes to hit on Lala. He's like, hello, Lala. Lala. And he, like, tries to give her this hug. And she's, like, backing up against the wall. Like, oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. He's so creepy. She's, like, talking to her mom or taking a reservation or something, and he's in some weird, like, pizza oven section, which I don't even think they have pizza there. And he's, like, creeping, kind of looking over the glass, waiting for her to be done. Like, I'm going to walk back and forth with my backpack until you do. He's, like, giving her this creepy look. then he's like hello la la i'm like hello hannibal lecter get behind the pizza oven what the fuck creepy and yeah and he's trying to flirt with her in this creepy way and she's like i don't she's saying heard some of the girls are getting antsy in their pantsies.

That's what he tells her. Who talks like this? How are your knickers doing? What do they smell like? They smell like horniness. She's like, ew. Yeah. He's like, are you getting wet?

Yeah. I mean, he's just got that gross, creepy talking. And she's like, yeah, they don't like me because i guess they think i'm gonna fuck people's boyfriends and he goes so do you fuck other people's boyfriends lala do you is that what you like fucking other people's boyfriends and she's like um well if yeah tell me you don't have a girlfriend and then like i fuck you and then you do have a girlfriend, like, that's what I feel. Like, you're not helping. Yeah. It's like, I have to get paid. So, you know what he reminds me of, James reminds me of? It's like when people say things like,

I want you to come back there with me and suck me off. It's like, ew. Yes, porn talk. And he's, like, leering. And I'm thinking this girl is going to fucking call the manager over and have his ass written up or something. But she's like, okay, let's be real. Do you have my back? He's like, no.

She's like, okay, great. Because I don't like beating around the bushes. And he goes, I don't like bushes anyway. No bush here. Bush. And she's like, he's disgusting. I love him. Yeah, she's like, he is gross.

But I like the accent. So anyway, legs open. Sometimes it's nice to have a busboy around, you know? Like, standing there waiting for the Brita to filter can take forever. I can't wait to go home and show this old mama. So, Sina and Lisa, this is the big therapy talk. Lisa, not a therapist. Sina's like, I'm going to show you life.

I loved also how it started where Lisa's like, all right, what's wrong? You know, I don't often see you tearful. I'm like, what? When is she not tearful? That shows how much you're around this I'm like, what? When is she not tearful? That shows how much you're around this restaurant. Yeah, exactly. She's like,

all right, I've left Hanky's bedside to talk to you, so make it quick. I've never seen you cry, darling, but I have never watched a show. I don't have a DVR, darling. I just have Ken

tell me what happens. Are you crying because you're worried about Hanky also? Because I get that. So she goes into this story of how he's been drinking a lot, but then she found out he was taking pain pills, which that is a really rough addiction to break,

because it's basically heroin if he's taking the Oxy or whatever, you know? That's not good. So that's so sad. And he's taking five a day and drinking, and Lisa's like, I thought he was just fat, darling. I never saw this one coming. Poor thing. You see these drug addicts on the street and they're all thin.

You don't know the real dark side of addiction, do you, darling? And Gina's crying and Lisa's like, okay, okay, calm down. Breathe through your nose. Breathe through your nose. I literally can't cry through my nose. Literally, it's all happening

in my nose. I feel like I'm being cheated on with pills. It was bad enough being cheated on by fruity pebbles, and now pain pills. Oh my poor thing. Yeah, that's bad. Lisa's like, yes darling, You're right to be angry.

Sounds like he's an addict. That's awful. This opens the door to so many more questions. He's not the man you thought he was, darling. Have you seen Lifetime? Darling, congratulations. You've possibly earned another season. All right, make it happen.

Goodbye, darling. Please clean up the tablecloth. Jesus, Lisa. And then we get clips of the romantic relationship while Sheena cries and Lisa feels nothing. And it's like, why do birds suddenly? And it's like the Golden Corral getting mac and cheese on. It's like, this is the worst.

This is so sad, darling. Be nice to Lala. Be nice to Lala. Be careful, Hanky. You want to save your marriage, darling. Be nice to Lala. Or nice to Lala. If you want to save your marriage, darling, be nice to Lala. Or as in my advice, bye. Well, that was it for this week. Oh, gosh.

Can I point out my favorite way to end this? When Sheena cried, she lifted up her arm to wipe her eyes and her tattoo. It's all happening. And I was like, this actually works for sad times, too. It's all happening! And it's the perfect tattoo. I just can't stop it from happening. Hanky's like, I know, I know.

Hanky's all nice to her. He's i'm hotter than you i'll be nice to you he's like i just upsold an enchilada she just bought some tissue from me upsell katie's like i'm in love with hanky hanky wants to impregnate me be nice to lala hanky love with hanky hanky wants to impregnate me be nice to lala hanky everybody thank you so much for listening to the watch what crappins podcast um as always still fun our hangout is tomorrow night or tonight which is wednesday or was yesterday if you're listening to this thursday and so on you can come to patreon.com watch whatrapInns to find out how to do that. Or our Facebook page, Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrapInns. We love you guys. Go leave questions for the mailbag special.

So next Thanksgiving. Yay. That's it, eh, Ben? That's it. Bye, everybody. We love you. Bye. Bye.

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