Watch What Crappens - #2395 PumpRules: Lala Hits the Mother Load

Episode Date: April 17, 2024

It’s a sexy unique sperm party on Vanderpump Rules (S11E12) as Lala crowdsources jizz for her future babeh.  Meanwhile, Sandoval - the true victim of the season - reels from Rachel’s bombshells on “some” podcast. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Hello and welcome to Watch Your Crap-Ins, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker, and joining me is the delectable and delicious Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie. How are you? Hello.

First of all, congratulations on having your sperm chosen to be Lala's baby daddy sperm. That's an amazing honor. Those sperms inside Lala right now recapping everything. It's like, fuck these people. Okay, so the uterus opens up where there's like five sperm like walking around. It's like, listen, sperm, if you've got time to lean, you got time to clean. Am I right? Let me tell you, I looked around at all these other sperm

exezzel and this egg and I said, you might as well be rams, baby, because none of you have chins. Am I right? And then I looked at that zygote and I was like, at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. Am I right? So we're here to talk Vanderpump rules. It's been a big week of Vanderpump for us, for a bonus episode, which you can get on Patreon,

patreon.com slash watch what crapens. We did an overview of the first four episodes of Vanderpump Villa. And then we have a recap of Vanderpump Villa episode five that was originally we were moving around and it's gonna come out this Thursday. And so if you've been watching that on Hulu, go listen to our recap, cause that is a show.

And then we also have the Valley coming up tomorrow, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. But I just wanted to give you a heads up about all the Vanderpump things happening right now. And then of course, come see us at Netflix as a joke in two weeks. That's gonna be amazing. And also London, Dublin, and Birmingham.

All the tickets are on watchrocarpets.com. And if you forget what our Patreon is, it's also at watchrocarpets.com. So that is all the news that is fit to speak. And now let's dive into this Vanderpump rules episode. It opens with Trixie channeling her inner Kesha with a song that is a complete lie when it comes to this show, which is it's a long road to our dreams but there's hope when we believe we can make it look in my eyes these are the best days of our lives literally when it comes to this cast

the road to the dreams is never ending because they're never going to achieve them there is no hope even despite what they believe they cannot it. You cannot look into their eyes. And these are really the worst days of their lives. So yeah, I think, you know, honesty in music might be even better. I would just like a song on Vanderpump rules. It's like, I gave up my dreams a long time ago. I realized they were all a no-go. Now I'm just starting fights with other hoes to keep a job in my farmhouse. That would be accurate. And it's also very lovely. Isn't it?

Why am I so red faced today? Do you think it's because I'm in a purple shirt or do you think that I've lost so much skin from these chemical peels that I'm just gonna be Louie color now? Maybe you're just like embarrassed about like how good your song was. I've watched so much Vanderpump rules themed shows this past couple of days for this show that I'm turning pink. If it's any consolation, I'm sort of like orange-hued. So I think that

like it's just maybe we just blame it on StreamYard. Who knows? I'm oddly toned today. Sorry, everybody. And by sorry, I mean not sorry at all. I am who I am. Suck it, batch. That's my song for this show. Okay, so we're at the Kyle Chan showroom. Glad Kyle Chan's getting something out of this deal. Is there a friend who has ever merchandised better than Kyle fucking Chan?

Bro, every single season, Kyle Chan is on this show, hawking his wares. Are discounts on diamonds really this big to you people? Like my God, they really love their Kyle Chan just for a discount once every decade when they get married. I just love how he's probably so excited for the brand awareness and the publicity, not realizing that every moment

that he's on Brando Pump Rules, he's actively undermining any sort of brand he might have. Because you know that if someone sees like, oh, that's a cool ring, where's it from, Kyle Chan? I was like, oh no, I'm not touching that Tom Sandoval influencer ring right now. None of it hasn't really worked out with anybody. I mean, that's where the Bubbas got their ring.

That's where the Sheena got her Shea ring. That's, I mean, that's where the the Bubbas got their ring. That's where the Sheena got her she ring. That's I mean, that's where they all get their rings, you know, it's like cursed. Kyle Chan is cursed. There I said it. So she knows doing like a selfie and everything and she's like, yeah, so like we're at Kyle Chan store and like we're here to shoot my music, my my good as gold music video with like the 27s. I can't wait for you all to see it. Peace out. Sheena's vlog. I laugh every single time. I don't know why.

I think it's just cause it's like Sheena's vlog. Cause everyone else is like, look, I'm making an Instagram story, but my Sheena. It's Sheena's vlog. Hi everybody right now I'm standing in front of stairs at Carl Chan's place. So Lala and Ariana arrive and Brock is there, a lot of hugs and everything and she's like, um, I just got like Katie's text and she's like not coming.

I'm like, wait, why? And she's like, well, I'm like, what happened? And she's like, oh, I'm like on my death pod. And I'm like, are you like really sick or you're just like trying to avoid Lala after that big fight? I'm like, I think she's probably trying to avoid this like garishly gold space because Katie right now only dresses

in like black sweatshirts. She's like, I don't wanna dress in gold. Also it's a boy, you know, we all see pictures of ourselves. Facebook's like, hey, remember 12 years ago? And they show you a picture 12 years ago and you're horrified. I mean, imagine that, but it's a good as gold video.

Like really? That's embarrassing in current times. Could you imagine in 10 years, nobody needs that in their memories, Sheena. Okay, also Katie is really sick and you know because she sent a picture with her text because the text was like, I'm on my deathbed. And then it's also a picture of Katie going like this

with her hand over her face, posing like, like with a full face of makeup looking gorgeous. She's like, I'm sick. Look how weak my is and stills. I was curious about like what my Facebook thing was from like my memories are like what would be my memory today? So I went on to Facebook and here's what I have This was in 2017 just alerting everyone that I will be attempting to make a German pancake this morning Hashtag home chella weekend, which is probably something I would post nowadays

I'm trying to I'm also a picture of pumpernickel I'm trying to look. I'm also a picture of pumpernickel. I'm looking for Matt and Michael because I found, I saw, okay, here's the text to them. So the other day I got one, that's why I was thinking of the Facebook memories and how horrifying they are. I got one of us doing this gay scavenger hunt 12 years ago, April 14th, 2012, we had to dress in costumes to do this gay scavenger hunt in WeHo and we were Boy Scouts. That's us. And actually, this is a terrible, can you see it on the video? This is actually a terrible example

because I actually look cuter here at the night. I mean, I actually look cuter now than I did here, I think. So let me just say, whatever's happening, I'm winning. Okay? I'm winning. God, I love you 12 years ago. Stay in the past, suckers. I'm better now. By the way, you're not going to hear that quote from anybody after this good as gold shoot. Okay, there you go. That's the last bit of self-confidence you're getting from me this year as well. The point is that Katie was what would that be called? Like future casting? I don't know. She's just she's anticipating.

She's like, I've already had a lot of embarrassing Facebook moments, so we're just going to I have years of Tom being sent to me on Facebook right now. So no. So anyway, I'm like now getting absorbed in my Facebook memories if I can remember that. Sheena is like, when I recorded Good As Gold, I never could have imagined that like 10 years later, I would be doing a music video for it.

But like after being like back in the studio with the 27s, which was like the Kyle Chan's of music, I just realized how positive music has been for me. And like, it just gives me this like creative outlet to just like let my feelings out. It's kind of like when I went like this. Ha! This is such a better creative outlet

than yelling at broken bathing suit stores. So then we see Burbank and we know where James is, goes. Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo It's like not us joking. We're not joking. We're not making it up. Like they literally will always show that plan. There's such assholes. I love that even on this show, they location shame people. It's so funny. So James and Allie, James is telling Hippie to sit

and Allie's like, James, you have to come listen to this. It's insane. Apparently Rachel went on some podcast. Some podcast by an old lady. I don't know. Her son was setting in the seventh window of the eighth moon of the Saturn window and windowsill and stuff. So I did her birth chart

and the birth chart climbed back into a womb. It really did not want to be mine. Bethany Frankel, everybody. Like, what do you mean some podcast, huh? Just be, just be with Bethany. What are you talking about? Just some podcast, the podcast. All right, I started podcasts.

All right, I'm the grandmother of podcasting. How dare you call me old? Okay, I'm old. I'm classic, classic podcaster. I loved Ally's little some podcast shame only because Bethany did that. Bethany did that to us. So she's like, what? There was some podcast called Watch What Happens.

I posted a meme and Andy Cohen left a smile on it. Like, I don't know, what's the matter? What's happening? What's going on? So I'm like, now you know what it feels like to be some podcast, Bethany Frankel. Yeah. But also I think that Ali just genuinely does not know

who Bethany Frankel is. No. You know, she's like, who is this person? Yeah. But also I think that Ali just genuinely does not know who Bethany Frankel is. No. You know, she's like, who is this person? Was she a newscaster? I mean, too, I think most people around Ali's age, Bethany Frankel is just some crazy ghoul on TikTok who's like eating shellfish out of a bag from a ice cooler in a hotel somewhere going... That's what they think of you. Fish in a hotel somewhere going.

That's what they give you, fish in a bag. It's not crazy, you get fish, it's in a bag. You pull it out of the bag, it's got spices. Look at this, it's nuts. They give you plastic to put around your body because you get the shellfish on it. It's literally crazy right now. Everything I hated in France. I feel like Bethany is like, I feel like Ali's perception of Bethany

is like our perception of Margaret Thatcher growing up. It's just like an older woman who's somehow present in our lives, but we don't really get her significance and just know that she just, she exists. We just know that we're terrified. We just know not to mess with her. Oh, could you imagine Meryl Streep playing Just know that we're terrified. We just know not to mess with her.

Could you imagine Meryl Streep playing Bethany? Actually, that would look, you know, people always. I'm eating fish. She would make Bethany wear glasses. I'm at the hotel. Meryl Streep doing Bethany, she would be like, what's the matter, what's happening? What's going on? What's going on?

And for those who are listening in audio, I took off my glasses because that's Meryl Streep's big thing and she takes on, puts on glasses, takes them off. What's the matter, what's happening? What's going on? Okay, so they're talking about some podcast and she's like, yeah, and she's even blaming hippies behavior on you.

Like what the fuck, James? Which Raquel does do, of course. She goes and says that James abused the dog or something or taught the dog to bite and be aggressive or whatever. So James like, oh, she thinks she's got this whole platform where she's gonna talk shit about me, make me seem like a bad doggy dad. It's ridiculous. It's like, oh, just wait, it gets worse.

Just give it a few episodes. I can't believe she would say I'm a bad doggy dad. Help me stop licking your nuts, you stupid, bad, slut of a dog. I'm a good doggy dad. Bad slut. So, we go back to- I was standing in line today at the grocery store.

It was really long. So I was reading my trusty old vendor pod recaps, which I read on the Instagram. And yes, I am talking very slowly because I'm trying to pull it up right now. And of course I put candor pod and was wondering why it wouldn't come up. Wow. It's like candor and Ned pod.

It's like a podcast about candor. The Spider Woman. Okay, so Vanderpod recaps. I was reading today in line. Love you, thank you for your work. And it was another Raquel episode. I'm not gonna get there. Okay, Rachel Goes Rogue.

She's answering viewer comments and she's like, I've learned so, I mean, look, it's just, it's just so long. It's just, Rachel is still going on about how she feels. I am being honest and truthful and being authentic to who I am and choosing to share that. And it's important that I was part of the show and for all of 20s. And it's a developmental process where eventually I can't stop talking about it, but I feel like it's unrealistic to expect somebody to completely disconnect.

Oh my God, it was one affair. You are talking more than the entire affair lasted. I've never, good Lord, be quiet. Just take a break. I mean, I don't even care. It's not that she's saying anything offensive or anything, but as someone who doesn't even really hate Raquel, I'm just like, girl, aren't you exhausted from this? Do something else, go outside.

Yeah, I agree. I would say touch the grass, but I hate that saying. I think it's so incredibly demeaning to tell somebody to leave their home. Yeah. Go pick some blueberries, strawberries, boysenberries, just do what Caroline Fleming would do. So we go back to the music video and Lala is like,

so do you feel like you're banging out after that podcast that dropped today? And she was like, yeah, I've been like literally going since like 7am so I haven't listened to anything. Like I only have only had like people text me and like that's been like so many texts right now, but I like not been able to catch up. So like I just haven't really listened. It's like she can just say I haven't heard it yet. Cause she had to drive here from Marina.

So you know, she knows the whole way. Oh my God. Can you believe that? I mean, Frank Obrechall said this about me. What a bitch. I'm going to get blamed for this. Watch, I'm going to somehow get blamed for this. They're always going to blame me, and then it's going to be me.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Sheena was the first person to listen to that shit. Give me a break. No, if you think that Sheena was not listening to the Good as Gold emo remix all the way from Marina Del Rey to the farthest reaches of Chatsworth or wherever they are. Like, you know, she's like,

That's true. That's my emo. Good point. She was over and over again, you know, she was. That's funny. Okay, so she is saying that there have been all these tacks and she's like, but from what I hear, she was saying that she and Ariana were acquaintances at best. And then we see a clip of Ariana saying, yeah, we spent a

lot of time together. And then we see a flashback of Tom being like, I got you a gift for your birthday, Raquel. As if this is somehow, I don't know that this is the best proof. I mean, that's just proof that Tom was bringing Raquel around his girlfriend constantly, even though he was banging her. Listen, they were not acquaintances, okay? They were friends. They were, at the very least, they were friends.

And like, this is some Kyle Richards rewriting history about friendships bullshit. Like they were friends. And Ariana's like- Which changes her story all the time, all the time. And Ariana's like, all the time, all the time. And Ariana's like, um, when she says we weren't that good of friends, it's either her telling herself that. So she feels better about what she did, or she's saying, I didn't, I didn't think she'd have Ariana the entire time. So Ariana's basically like, either way, it's, uh, it's bullshit, no matter how you

interpret it. Yeah. Raquel's whole thing is like, I'm gonna take accountability. That's what it's about, growing and taking accountability. We weren't friends. Okay, but you were friends. But we were friends. Maybe I said that yesterday, but I'm a different person than I was yesterday, and I take accountability for that.

Okay. It's like she just lies, and then she'll change her story again and be like, but I was accountable. So it doesn't count now. That was yesterday. Like that's not how it works. Ding dong. Get out of here. Yeah. So she knows like, yeah, she said, Raquel said that like, I had some sort of like saver complex and our friendship was like equally beneficial. And as far as how much I helped her and like she helped me and she's like, I paid rent, I paid bills and I'm like, bitch, you contributed like a thousand dollars to my $4,300 rent and like you didn't pay for parking and you

didn't pay for cable and you didn't even stock toilet paper and you had sex in my bed. I love how much stocking supplies is like an ongoing trope on this show. Like, dude, like if it weren't for me, there'd be no pen in the drawers, and there'd be no toilet paper in the bathroom. People are really into toiletries on this show to prove things, to prove that people are bad. You are bad with toiletry patrols, so. But also, she's paying you $1,000 to house it. That's not nothing.

Like, I know that she gets somewhere to stay, but she's also, like, taking care of the apartment that you don't really live in so that you don't really live in so that you don't have to pay somebody to do it. Yeah. Sorry, I'm flip-flopping all over the place, I know. But you know, you can be wrong about most things,

but also right about some things. I think that's what's happening here. But back to James and Allie, James is like, anything else I should know about from this podcast? Yeah, she says that she was upset after your breakup and she wasn't over you and she never actually loved Tom, which is funny because that's like not what she was saying last summer.

I wonder how Tom feels. Ha-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bibbidi-bib Sorry. But they're funny. So Sandoval's like, James is like, Sandoval invited me to his studio space. Because he's, no, I'm going to his studio space because he's offered me the chance to open for his band at the L.A. Listen I understand that Tom has lied to me and as I have to him, but at the end of the day, you got nothing for nothing. And so you can say for the life of the poor slut, a poor slut. That's all you can say for the life of the fat slut. I'm trying to figure out my relationship with Sandoval and our friendship and what's ever real. And do we have anything

that can be salvaged? And Molly's like, can we brighten this up? You're the one who brought it up over there. I know, I know little Miss Muppet. So she's like, she's like, this is really depressing. Here's something fun. Lala's doing a sperm donor party, which is so cool. Your friends get to pick out your baby, that's cool.

Ha ba ba ba ba ba, ha ba ba ba ba ba, ha ba ba ba ba ba, la la la la. The sperm pot is not for like two more days, you can't transition to it. Ha ha. Can we lighten this up? Lala's going from having a baby with the guy with the casting couch, to having a guy

whose last load was like literally dropped on his couch. Lala's going, Lala's going from having a baby on the casting couch to having a casting couch for the baby. Ba ba do ba do ba do ba do. No, don't do Seinfeld, Ali. What's the deal with sperm donors? Ali, that's not enough for a joke. You can't transition. You've got to have something to go through that.

All right, from the top, Ali. Can we line this up? Lala's going from having a baby with a guy who eats cheesecake to a guy who is a cheesecake. Da na na na na na na na na. What is that the golden girls? Just go to the ending. You can't just do that. Come on, Ali.

All right. Can we just lighten this up? Lala's going from having a man who eats fried chicken to having sperm near fried chicken. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. We're still Golden Girls. You can't do the credits in Golden Girls. You can't conclude the show.

We're at the first scene of the blues. Fried chicken to Golden Girls. They literally never had a fried chicken or Golden Girls! You fats like! Cheesecake! Cheesecake! Why, if you're gonna do Golden Girls, at least use cheesecake and not fried chicken! Fried chicken is nothing to do with its family! Fine! Line it up yourself! BWEEEW! It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. 50 high school senior girls descend on Mobile, Alabama every summer to compete for a massive

cash prize. It isn't Survivor. It's one of America's most lucrative scholarship competitions for teen girls. It's been around for seven decades. Now you'll hear what took place behind the scenes. From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondery, this is the competition. I'm your host, Shima Oliyai,

and I was Nevada's contestant 20 years ago. Now I'm returning as a judge to find out what two weeks with 50 of the country's most ambitious teens can tell us about girlhood in America. What happens when the competitors are thrown into the deep end with the best and brightest? And how does surviving the competition prepare them for everything that comes after?

Follow the competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of the competition early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. I love a good parasocial relationship with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows? Don't count yourself out.

But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G-I Jane 2, can't wait to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small and then it gets so big. Be honest, Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her.

We all just have to admit, we're addicted. Everybody has opinions, everyone picks sides. Leave Britney Spears alone right now. From Wondery, I'm Sydney Battle. And I'm Matt Bellassai. And this is Dis and Tell. Where we unpack why we get so invested in these feuds and whether or not our attention

only makes the whole thing worse. Follow Dis and Tell wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, so then we go to La La, hanging out with Ariana. She's like, so I have something to ask you. Can I have my party for sperm donors at your house? Ariana's like, yeah, I would love to, but now that Anne is gone,

things are really terrible in here. So we see footage of life without Anne and it's just like boxes and sludge and you know, just like, I mean, like hoarders, the producers at Hoarders were like, wow, that's pretty bad. I don't know if we could touch that. Yeah, Anne hasn't really been there,

but Billy Lee's crew's been over there a lot. So it probably already is kind of a sperm party. Lala says, this is like a monumental moments in my life. And like we're picking my future, my future child's and like who's gonna be part of my life until I die. Okay, and like I want to take the science jargon out of it a little bit. And then we see two weeks ago,

like when she was at the sperm bank and she was like looking in a, some sort of like cask that's overlooking frozen vials. And then Brian, the guy who's like really excited about this whole process is like, look, potential babies right there. Whoa, that's a lot of science jargons that you're inserting into my baby's lights right now.

You said vials. That is so much jargon. Can we just take the science out of this? Wait, is that Nick Viles sperm in there? I could do that. Podcast game recognized podcast games. Brian's like, I'll tell you, we don't have to call them vials. We can call them future doctors or we could call them past splooges. I'm not really sure what you want, but I'll call them whatever you want. I've dressed as Chuck E. Cheese for this one.

Some people are into it. What can I tell you? Now that vial down there, not gonna lie, that one's mine. And so is that one. I think they're all his. Actually, they're all his. I think they're all gonna come out as Brian, you know? They're all different little Brian's. So Lala's like, I'm trying to figure out little ways where I can like look at this baby and say,

you were brought here from so much love and like it may look different, but love is love. You don't get to take love as love. I know, don't take love as love for your sperm process. Sorry, baby. You don't get it. Love as love is what you say to like stop people from gay bashing people, not to like… You don't get to make yourself the ultimate like tread upon over here because you, you fucked Randall once. Oh, by the way, we know that Lala was not married to Randall. Apparently, we keep saying that they were married or they got divorced or whatever. We do know that they weren't married. It's just, I think she keeps acting like it so much

that it's just that way in our heads for some reason. They were common slaw married, as in she had to endure him eating so much coleslaw with his fried chicken that they became married. There is such a commoner slurping on slaw. Common slurp, she was a commoner slurping on a slur. Common slur, she was a common slurped marriage. After so many slurps, you just are officially married.

Legally. So she like, yeah, love it, love it. And so Ariana's like, no, my house is filthy, you can't use it. So Lala's gonna ask Lisa to use her house instead. So Ali's like, cut back to Ali and James, and Ali's like, no, my house is filthy, you can't use it. So Lala's gonna ask Lisa to use her house instead. So Ali's like, cut back to Ali and James, and Ali's like, this sperm party- They're still in their scene.

What? They're still in their scene. I forgot they had more of this scene going. That's what you get when you try to conclude it with a Golden Girls theme song. Now look what you've done, Ali-Bali. So she's like, this sperm party is gonna be interesting because Lala's been really venting about Katie.

And like, you know, we see a clip of Ali, or Lala telling Ali at that party. She's like, oh my God. And like Katie's, it's like so unhappy slightly. She was, yeah. And they're like, so they're such intense personalities. I think they need to work it out. I agree.

Come on, Ali, this is over. Now you're quiet. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do better at least. Why are you doing Magnum PR, Ally? All right, Ally, I'll give you that one. It's actually pretty cool. So now we go to Schwartz's and he's like, Oh, look at me, just little boy in house. Oh, such a big house. He's like, Gordo, I know that you a little boy in house. Oh, it's such a big house. Just a little boy. I'm gonna live in here. He's like, Gordo, I know that you thought, I don't know what you think is going on here,

but I just want to be friends Gordo. I'm sorry. You have to walk yourself. I'm not your dad. Good luck. Gordo's like, get the fuck out of my face. He's even flicking out of the dog. So Santa ball comes over all sad. He has to look up someone who's just listened to Bethany's podcast. Oh God. He had to look up someone who's just listened

to Bethany's podcast. Oh God. Oh man. He's got his like super angry face on where he's like doing that like intense, like open-eyed squint. Or he's like, Oh bro, I am sorry there's nothing in the fridge.

Like, oh. Slim baking's up and making a point to keep my fridge beautifully stocked and well-merchandised. But it kind of fell apart the past few weeks because I'm a little boy. Oh, no. I used to at least have ranch in there, but Katie would overstay her welcome every time, so I had to get rid of it. Oh, and then Joseph took everything else because she said something like, quote unquote, I'm going to make my own Olive Garden now. Oh. So, Sandy Ball's like, sorry, I'm just like really shell shocked right now.

Like, Rakel went on a podcast and I just listened to it and she was like, I wasn't in love with Tom. And she's acting as though like she's somehow got like the worst out of everyone. And like, I made changes in myself thinking that maybe one day, like, she would see all the work I had done on myself and like, she would appreciate it. A real victim is here. She did get it worse than everybody else. How did she not? I mean, she definitely got it worse than you did. I don't know if she didn't get it worse than Ariana or them, but she definitely got it worse than you, you thought. Sandival.

Shell shocked to hear that his fling was not a forever fling. Meanwhile, he has no time or space for Ariana being shell shocked over massive deception. Which he already knows. He just wants to turn this into his own scandalval, where he can be the victim of somebody not loving him anymore. You know?

Oh, really, you were hurt? Who's more hurt? Me, the real victim. Ah, I got dumped by my mistress. I know. I wasn't fully ready to give up hope until I heard it from her own lips to go through all that and not even to give it a shot for me to then cheat on

her later on. What was it all for? So then we go over to Tom Tom. Oh no, Schwartz, first of all, you know, Schwartz gives such helpful advice. He's like, I guess she just wants to be heard, you know, but it's over. It's been over. Would you want Gordo? I just broke up with him. So now we're at TomTom and Lisa walks in like, business, business. Ooh, Logan, there you are. Where are the Tom and the Toms? And Logan's like, are you ready for brunch? You don't get to speak on my show, Logan. He's like, oh, well, yeah, I'm excited about brunch. Okay, good, if you're gonna say something, then promote a brunch, good.

Oh, Tom, Tom will never be pump, nor do we want it to be. Little tiny shrimp on salads can only live in one restaurant and Tom Tom is not the place for it. But we can develop the restaurant part of Tom Tom and add brunch to the menu. We want to keep the spirit alive, which is why we've brought crazy gays over and changed their shirts.

We're serving pancakes in the shape of pumptinis. So Schwartz is like, oh, well, oh my God, my friends, hi, I just walked in. Oh no, can we just get the hair out of the way first? Are you going to keep that hair or shall I shave it off you? Oh, Vanderbilt Villa, now on Hulu. So Logan's like, oh my God, you're bleached blonde. That fucking turns me on. Okay, stop speaking.

Get to the back, please. Schwartz is like, so Sandoval is 30 minutes late, which he's always late. And anybody, you know, I think the word narcissist is overused. I think, especially since Salt Lake City, everyone's like, oh my God, narcissists. I know a narcissist because I've dated everybody's mother is a narcissist and everybody has dated every narcissist in the world. Like it's overused at this point, is my point.

Tom is definitely a narcissist though. And you know he is because this is the classic trait of a narcissist, constantly being late, constantly. That is really a sickness where you're just going out of your way to say, fuck you to everybody else around you. Yeah. Oh, can I say something? I'm a little worried about Tom. After that podcast came out, I think he listened to it in hopes that Raquel would say something nice. And Logan's like, she didn't. Quiet! Unless you've been in an opening credit and not named after an airport,

I don't want to hear from you. Listen, Ms. Longstreet, she's safe and well. Who cares what she's got to say? I mean, listen, the only thing worse than what Raquel did is letting Bethany Frankel profit off of it instead of me. That's the ultimate, the ultimate betrayal. And Logan's like, well, I'm sure he still has feelings for her. What, how many times? Okay, everyone who is not a dipshit who keeps on speaking,

step forward, that's you, Logan. And so Schwartz is like, "'Oh, well, I just told him yesterday, the affair's over, people are moving on.' Of course it's over, she's been away for three months. I thought, I thought, you know, he was in a lot better place to be honest, I'm sad." So then Tom Sandoval comes in,

he's like, "'Sorry, I was dealing with a lot like being the most pained person in the world. Is there anybody else here who's no longer in love with me? Just let me know now. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. So, Tom says you're really unhappy because you listened

to some podcast by some strange, wiry lady. Is that true? Uh-huh. What she said about me is bullshit! It's bullshit! I can't even believe I'm even listening to it, but I need to because I need to know what's being said about me, Lisa! Lisa! So why are you even listening?

Come after Lisa! It's like, I love when he like sob yells at Lisa for asking simple questions. But why don't you not look at me? Ah! Go on now! Ha ha ha! I don't want Sandalbaud to start spiraling after we just got him to a place where he's evening out. What could Raquel possibly have even said

that is going to make anybody look at him in a better light? We all think he's awful, right? Anyone? No. So then she's like, don't listen anymore. You're just going to torture yourself with parts two, three, four, five, six, seven. Rachel gone rogue, Rachel gone to the circus,

Rachel eating cereal. Oh, it's a podcast extravaganza. God damn, Bethany Frankl, I cursed the day that woman ever found shellfish in a bag. Well, by the way, I've got news, which is that Ariana did accept the offer, but now I'm like debating whether or not to sell our buyer, like to sell the house or not.

Cause like my offer was like two months ago and like my thoughts have like maybe changed. And he says, of course they have. Of course he's like, well, Ariana took so long to get back to me now. Like now I'm on the fence. Like what I am the fence. What I don't know what was that? Anyway, I I'm on the fence about whether to, I want to keep it all or like keep the house. Basically he's like, he realized, oh, if I have to buy Ariana out, I actually have to have money to do that. And I don't think I can do that. So maybe I should sell this house.

Yes, exactly. That's exactly what's happening. Because you know his offer, which he said, oh, it's full market value. It was probably full market value from like six years ago or whatever paid in installments over the course of 50 years. Something insane. Yeah.

So she's like, just sell it. And then Schwartz like, yeah, it's gonna be, I'm gonna be done with her for life, you know? So then Lala walks in, hey everyone, everyone's good? Okay, everyone's good? And Lisa goes, no! Oh, oh, okay, well, may I host a sperm donors party in your homes tomorrow?

I promise it'll be really sweet and lovely. Well, there's gonna be sperm all over my house. It's not even Ken's birthday, darling. Get it! Listen, Lisa, no one's jerking off anywhere, okay? It's like, are we invited? No, the only thing that comes from the straight men is the cum.

The only thing that comes from the straight men is the kumsk. So let's see. So LVP is like, I don't want people throwing sperm in my house. I don't think you understand what I'm trying to say here. But there'll be sperm in my house. No, Lisa. No, I know Pandy wears pashminas everywhere, but they're not to spooge on to. They're actually flowy and gorgeous and not to be used as Kleenex. Just broke Rosie of that habit. She would just walk up right behind Pandora and sneeze right into her. Every time. I said,

have some respect. Not for Pandora, really, sneezing at her face, but not the pashmina, darling. I got that in Paris. No, Lisa, it's going to be a very beautiful sperm party, okay? I have the catering already happening for this party that I have not already planned at your place, that you haven't already given me permission to. The catering's already been planned, and I have balloons, and like, you'll each get a packet, and then you'll vote. On the balloons, no, on the sperms. I can't follow this party. It's so difficult. When does Ken Jizz? We're not even close to Christmas And so then Lee

I'm choking up. I'm literally like dying now. So Lisa's like looks way disappointed You have to talk. I can't talk right now. So whileala's like, Lisa, I'm gonna be edgy, okay? I'm having a cum party. Gross, darling. All right, I'm having a splooge, splooge fest. Disgusting. All right, we're shooting shots. It's like, jizz, jizz, jizz on jackets.

Darling. I'm even getting mac and cheese catered because it looks like jizz. Jizz on jackets. Darling. I'm even getting mac and cheese catered cause it looks like Jizz. Darling, please. So everyone else is going to choose your donor, including you. And Lisa just sort of like looks away and she goes, Lisa, allow me to be excited about this, okay?

Because like I'm already like freaking excited. Lisa, Lisa. She goes, all right, fine. I give you poor person, my rich person, blessing. You can have your sperm party as long as I can make sure there are five planters in the middle of the table that no one splooges on. As long as the father got enough to buy a CD

or something afterwards. I'm very disappointed in like going to find sperm. It's so funny to me. Well, I was like, how dare you, Judge Smith. Darling, you're basically having a baby so a man could buy a hot and ready. What did you say? Phaedra say?

Phaedra say. All I do know is that that man needed it, like $5 to buy like a hot pizza. So now we got to Tom and Ariana's house. What was the worst thing you should be laughing about? Ben. I will laugh at it even if it wasn't even my,

even if you're trying to frame me. So Sheena and Brock go over to Ariana's house and Ariana's like, well, hi guys, welcome to this disgusting pit of humanity. Logan was at TomTom earlier and he said that now Santa ball's having second thoughts and he may want to sell the house, which is what I wanted from the beginning. And Logan also said that Lisa locked him in a back closet for talking too much, which was also really weird. I don't know about that. Okay, where are we? So we're at Tom and our, Sheena and Brock. Okay, yeah, so Sheena and Brock come over.

Sorry, everybody. So Ariana is like, yeah, so Logan was with Tom, or he was at TomTom earlier, and now guess what? Tom's having second thoughts, and he might want to sell the house, and that's what I wanted from the beginning. This could have already happened. And they're like, Oh, well, you need to clean up with some mess around.

Yeah. Yeah. So they're going to go clean up there because this place is a total mess. And Ariana's meanwhile saying that, um, uh, Tom is also apparently going through it about the podcast. Cause Logan reported everything to Ariana. Of course, that's why you have a gay in every place you go.

You have to have your gay there. And Lala has hers over there too. And hers is also the Logan, who we also, we always see bopping behind her just taking notes, you know, like little court reporters over there. It'd be funny if their names were like Robert and Steven, and just like the shows like,

I don't know, we just call the gays Logan. Like, my name's Robert, though. So so Brock's like, well, if Tom's having a hard time with the episode one and two, guess what part four is dropping tomorrow, which I love that like like, the episodes just like, just Bethany just squeezing out all that she can from Scandal Ball while equally, you know, complaining about reality TV and how it's like the nadir of humanity, and yet she is fully capitalizing off of it. And how abusive it is to people, especially women, when she takes someone probably in their most vulnerable state ever and just squeezes

them for money. And you know, she's just telling Raquel every or Rachel every day like, I'm really so what are you gonna talk about now? You know, you know what you should talk about how you didn't love him in the first place. Ah, you did love him. You didn't. You didn't. Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? Did you? She's gotta be filling this girl's head with so much crap that Raquel is still going on for this long every week. Yeah. So she was like, I just wanted to say, um, on Rachel goes rogue, I'm eating. I love fish. It's fish in a bag in an ice bucket in a hotel. No, no, no, I'm eating. All right. You're doing it right. You're doing it right. Say this is crazy. Fish in a bag.

This is crazy. Say everything I hated in France. Everything I hated in France. So, Sheena's like, by the way, just out of nowhere, I have a new song with the 27s and it's called Apples. And then we see Sheena like singing a lyric where she goes, from a primary to a Jenna, I thought you knew better. I thought it was gonna be about the Apple vision pro.

I thought it was gonna be about the enormous iPad I once saw her holding at the Grove. She's like, yeah, I gotta go to the Apple store. iPhones, iPad, I wanna real bad their apples. What's my iOS? You're the one who's a mess. Apple, Apple, Apple. You're so bad at this, right?

I'm never gonna update. I'm Apple. Hey, I went from Yosemite to Sienna. So tell me when you're gonna get into my car. Apple, apple, apple. It's not just where Randy grew up. It's apples. It's apples. Apple, apple, apple. Because I just put this on iTunes.

Because I lick in your eye that makes me swoon. Apple, apple, apple. I'm drinking up a Loma while updating to Noma. It's apples. It's apple. It's apple. Apple, apple, apple. You're not making my final cut cause I'm a bro. Apples, apples, apples. I won my final cut, cause I'm a bro.

Apples, apples, apples, apples. I won't take the scrap. I'm deleting the app. I'm apples. Okay. Apple, apple, apple, I'm running out of storage. All right. I'm out of storage.

So therefore for my food, I will forage. Apple, apple, apple, apple, apple. All right. Commercials. Here comes one right now. Sina is like, okay, well, the song, when I first wrote it was only about Raquel, but then we wanted to extend the second verse and we had some lines and they were directed at Tom.

So, oh. No, I'm just like trying to take a traumatic experience and turn it into like a nice piece has some lines and they were directed at Tom, so, oh. No, I'm just like trying to take a traumatic experience and turn it into like a nice piece of art. It's like very therapeutic and very catchy, you know, the sort of art where you rhyme Jetta with better. Yeah. Okay, so then Brock is like, all the way up with boxes.

And she was like, my mental state is best in cleaner spaces, which is why I'm still writing songs about somebody else's affair that has nothing to do with me for a career that really didn't take off, but is led by a band named after the last year that I was alive when this dream was really an actual possibility. Ah!

You know what, like Ariana, you have like a lot on your shoulders, even though your interview look is an off the shoulder look, but like whatever. And like you seem like you can like you're doing amazing on Instagram. Like you know, I like we see your Instagram, you've got like amazing boyfriend, you're on Dancing with the Stars, which by the way, can you just put your my name into it? Because I think we all know that situation. And like there's just like a lot that you're dealing with like, you know, Dancing with the Stars, like maybe you're not cut out for it after all.

Maybe like you need someone to sub in, like maybe that could be me. I don't know. I just like wanted to come over and see if there was like anything I can help you with like the Paso Doble. I don't know. I've just been training. Tell them I'm not obsessed at all, which is why I didn't make a song about Dancing with the Stars.

I'm really trying to get onto Dancing with the Cars now, which is why I'm rhyming things with Juddah. So whatever, it doesn't affect me at all. Have fun on your little show. Yeah, it's fine. I just am writing, you know, some like cartoons. Car-tunes. Wait a second.

Car-tunes, car-play, car-rock, I need a pad. Apple, apple, apple, apple. Apples? Because they're ripples. So then she's going through all this stuff. This house is a mess. Neither of these people are very clean people. And this does show that they really do need

personal assistance to keep their life together because otherwise it's pure shit. And Ariana's like, well, but this is because this is all his stuff, none of it's mine. I'm not cleaning it. Yeah, but none of it's great. Just get a maid. That's my advice to both of you. Yeah, that's the other thing.

Maids make people happier, you know? Yeah, so Sheena's like, I've always known Tom and Ariana's house to be on the messier side, but if it's so messy now that she's not even wanting to have people over, like that worries me that maybe she's falling into a dark place and maybe shouldn't be on Dancing with the Stars in the first place, you know? I'm just, I don't know, just saying things out loud.

I mean, if you've got time to lean, you've got time to lean clean, but you definitely don't have time to double-A. It definitely takes two to tango, which I don't think Ariana truly appreciates despite being on Dancing for the Stars. How are you going to spin ducks if you can't even win decks? All right. All right, guys. So now Brock and Sheena just get into cleaning and organizing.

There's like going through stuff and apparently there's like a room with tons and tons of stuff that's just been lying there. I think that just doesn't make it onto camera. And Sheena's just pulling out stuff. She's like, I'm Christmas present. Has this been here since like last Christmas? It's like August right now. And Oriana's like, but I'm saving it. They're like, no. Pete Yeah. So, it's kind of gross. And she just sits there and watches them, which I mean, I guess they have to do something. It is a shortened season, but I mean, wow.

You can see why. Pete Yeah. Pete Okay. So, now we go to Sandoval's rehearsal, and this is when I had to turn off the show for my own mental health. I literally turned off the television and I went to the store. I couldn't stay here. He goes, this is what it is.

It cuts to Sandoval and you just hear, ah! Birds started crashing into my windows, like the emergency broadcast system. I was like, is that an amber alert? The fuck is happening? Yeah, he's doing some weird sort of falsetto with his like child band. And he's like, we don't want to sit in wafer phone, you can have a time you want. And he's wearing a t shirt that says dipped out, which is a direct reference to the lie he told his friends and Ariana about like him and Raquel, like it's a it's like a t shirt that's like broadcasting

and leaning into the affair that he claims to be so tortured from what yeah, so like he's sitting here crying on the show like he can't believe anybody's trying to profit off the scandal when he's totally doing it. I mean, my God. Exactly. And like we've, I feel like every time we brought up like, oh, he's wearing the thunder thing or whatever. It's largely happened off camera.

And so this is something where he's like on TV, knowing the cameras are there and he's wearing a shirt like in defiance. Right. So he's doing this little rehearsal and everything. And James walks in with hippie and James is like, oh, so what's going on? Like you've been to talk with the town today. So have you. Hippie's been to talk with the town. Guess what? A Bethlehem Frank-out with some woman. And so have you. You've been to talk with the town the past couple of days. Are you all right there, old man? How are you doing, you stupid bachelor? It's been a tough couple of days. I can't lie, which is why right now I was rehearsing that song and had to use a fog machine for the end.

I know. You're using a fog machine on yourself at rehearsal. You fucking douche. So James feels like a little bad for him. So he just is gonna talk to him and everything Because James has been there, you know Raquel went on to shenanigans and talk shit about him, so he knows what it's like to be maligned by a bad guest. He's like, I know how much he's been going through as well, and Ariana would slap me if I said that too loud. Sorry, I'm a best of the board in the word.

So, Sandoval's like, dude, on this process, I like really tried to look out for Raquel, and like I'm realizing now that I care for her like way more than she cared for me, dude. Like, dude, I'm like listening to the shit coming out of her mouth and I'm like, it's fucking bullshit. It's like so goddamn disrespectful, man.

As he wears the dipped out T-shirt. I know, like I care for her so much. I was trying to get her to leave mental health, her mental health therapy and come back on a reality TV show so we can get ratings. I just don't understand It's so disrespectful as he's trying to actively kick ariana out of the house after he is the one who cheated Gosh that hasn't happened to anyone else in this cast or in your household, has it? The only thing that would have made this better was a cutaway to Ariana holding the Glad trash bags or whatever.

What was the trash bag? It wasn't Glad, it was the other one. A hefty? Yeah. So James is like, look, I just want this all in my past, okay? After the breakup, I went and lived my own life. I just seem like all of this comes to haunt me and and I just don't want to see and talk about Raquel I'm done. I'm done with this shit. Okay, I'm done. I'm done and Santa Claus like look, okay

I didn't even get any sort of closure man So ridiculous So he's like, oh god, fuck closure. She's working on a stuff That's why you can get closure from that. Are you? He's like, yeah, well, come on, bro. I mean, like she was working on herself when she broke up with you. Like she was like so selfish. Like, and she was selfish getting involved with me. Oh, wow. She's the one who saw, I mean, like, look, I don't want us to take a fur. Now he's turning it into she cheated the way she acted towards James is now victimizing

Sandoval. Wow. And but also like that Sandoval is accusing Raquel of being the selfish one in this duo when he was the one who was who cheated. He was the one who didn't even want to like end one relationship and move on together. He wanted to have the best of both worlds. And then he accuses Raquel of being the selfish one. And then he's like, and she also said that back in the day when she asked you to stop

drinking and said she would break up with you if you didn't stop drinking, that she only said that because she assumed you'd never stop drinking. So she would get to break up with you. That actually made me feel bad for Raquel. That made me feel bad for Raquel because it made me feel like she was trapped in a situation where that was the only way she felt like she could get out of it, you know?

Yeah. No, I still don't feel that. Were you saying what kind of person? No, just still don't. Wait, I tried. Did you see? I tried for a minute. I was like, hold on.

Let me try to feel that. No, I'm saying in that instance, I'm like, Sandoval's trying to say that. I'd be like, look at how selfish she is. She would say that because she just did not believe you could stop drinking. It's like, yeah, but let's not forget James was terrible to Raquel during that time as well. So James is like, he's also just like, oh, James, you're not mad. Okay. You don't want to talk shit about Raquel. Oh, okay. Well, she'd never even liked you and was trying to break up with you. Like, he's just so gross. He's a disgusting person.

Sorry. I think I, because there was like so many different people to be disgusted by at any given moment. I wasn't totally, I think I thought you were disgusted by someone else and something else than what you were disgusted about because it's really hard to tell in this lazy Susan of office. Oh my goodness. So then James is like, okay, okay, old man, you're going to try to make me feel bad.

Well, guess what? She also said on the podcast that she was never in love with you. And she got with you because she wasn't quite over me. So, you know, I wouldn't put too much thought into that one, buddy. And he slaps the animal on the shoulder. Like, nice try. Nice try. You're going to try and go low with James. Like, James is the master of that. And so, he's like, well, I don't believe you were ever in love and I think it was a fuck fest for six months.

And he's like, dude, we would sit there for five hours talking about the need for batteries and drawers and pens. And toilet paper's talking, bro. No, whatever, you just got to get horny. That's what you're doing. You wouldn't get up from Ariana, so you'd go downstairs and get your willy sucked by Raquel. That's all.

You have no idea what you're talking about, bro. I would literally go to her house, and we would literally spend like literally five or like literally six literal hours together. And if we have for sex, I would just be like a little bit out of literally the time that we were spending. I was like a small percentage of the time. And James pats him on the shoulder again and goes, yeah, you're a liar though, Tom, you're a liar.

You're a liar. That's just taxo, you're a liar. Because no, it's not the fact that your opinion, your opinions are not fact. Fact. I look hot in fog machines. Opinion. I forgot. I'm a bad guy.

Really, I'm a bad guy. Fact, I cry whenever I see windowsills. Hold on, there's a window. Ah! Oh, but you know what? What you and Ariana had was true love, bro. You don't know, man! You don't know! Bro, you looked me dead in the eyes for years and talked to how much you fucking loved that girl.

And he's like, well, I did love her. I did. It's just like she can't keep up with the batteries. I mean, what are you going to do, bro? He's like, oh my god, it's like you forget what you've even said, Tom. That's how much you like. Sure, bro! He's like, oh my God, it's like you forget what you've even said, Tom. That's how much you like. You can rewrite history in your mind and have all the fun you want in your fucking band. I'm not opening for you at this fucking L-Ray because I've moved on to bigger and better things. My dog is named Tippy because I know George Michael.

This is a joke to me. I go, boy. And he goes, this is a joke. Your band is a joke to me. Just like, hands to the band. And it just shows the band looking all sad. Like, we're getting paid to be here. How dare you, Sander. A joke?

We were told we would be going to Coachella. No, you're not, you stupid fucking stupid bad people. That was Al Chella. James goes, he can't let go the past, can he? I'm just waiting for him to get the clue. Or maybe he never will. I can see it now. He's like 75 at the Rock and Roll Bar at sunset doing karaoke and be like, boom, a dick flu comes out of the pocket.

And he's like, I used to play this on national television. It's just like, dude, shut the fuck up. I'm like, that was a pretty accurate read, I would have to say. That's gonna be what it is. But it's also kind of funny that he is like dissing CBGB because he lives in the Valley now. He's like, disgusting, playing at a rock bar on sunset.

In the Valley we have sidewalks and medians. When we play a gig, we're playing at Islands Burger Bar. So Sandoval's like, yeah, well go push buns on your laptop. What was that? You heard me. Say it to my face, bro. Buns on laptops. Apple, apple, apple, apple.

Oh, sorry. Don't call my band a joke, dude. I'm singing about this later. You know, I mean, the joke is ultimately on Sandoval because say what you will about James Kennedy. He did play, he did open up at the Neon Festival at Coachella and Taylor Swift was in attendance. So he can say both, I play Coachella

and he can also say, I played for Taylor Swift because did you see the video of Taylor Swift reacting to, um, his remix of cruel summer? No. So, uh, someone took a video from like outside of the VIP area of Taylor Swift, like hanging out and James Kennedy is playing cruel summer. It's like, you know, and Taylor's just like singing along to her own song and she's having the best time singing her song. And then James starts to remix it. It's not like she just like gets this look on her face like, what the fuck are you doing to my song? And she like looks to the stage like, what has happened here? Who is doing that? Who is that scrawny, unfamous person destroying my songs?

That's funny. I thought it was going to be a hero story. Like, oh my god, and then she loved it, and then she put her arm in the air and started dancing and mouthing the words. Well, I mean, there was a lot of debate online about, like, was she really mad or was she just surprised because she wasn't expecting the remix to kick in at that moment Was she delighted to me? It looked like she was like What the fuck? Taylor Swift does have that kind of look on her face though at all times She's got a what the fuck kind of what the fuck She's got a what the fuck kind of look on her face cuz she's got those squinty eyes. She's just always like yeah, I

I never felt bad for Taylor Swift until this Coachella, seeing how she's been tortured by these Bravo liberties who've invaded her space. Yeah. Between Teresa and James Kennedy, this is, Taylor Swift deserves better. Yeah, I think so. But you know what?

We don't have any better. This is what you get. It's just sucking up. There are ambassadors. The rest of us don't have velvet ropes separating us, okay? We actually have to be on the ground with these people. So Villa Rosa. Lala sperm donor party, who's lost their sperm all over my cat.

Oh, sorry, it's just Pashmina's, this is just Pandora's Pashmina. Rocio, would you take this to Pandora? Who let the sperm out woof woof woof. So there's like it's like a very Vanderpump party. It's like very floral garden party. Chateau chic, you know, the usual like gaudy over use of flowers and everything. But it's all for like picking out sperm donors. And there's like a cocktail list that says,

who's your daddy? Who's your daddy menu? And Lala's like, I think that like everyone should like come in, they can like mingles and they can like talks. And then like once we have like some full bellies, pun intended, we're gonna play pin the sperm on the vaginas. And Lisa's like, oh God, why did I sign up for this? Such a cringy, Such a cringy party.

So the girls come with the gays. And Lola's like, I'm just a couple of hours away from choosing my baby's daddy. I have so many people who are supportive of me and love my daughters, and I just know that we're going to love on this new baby, whether or not it's got the spirit of Tupac inside of it. Oh, wait, one quick thing.

Because since you said two pack, it made me think about Coachella again, which is that someone wrote a comment saying, like, I wonder if Taylor realized she was listening to the white Kanye West, which whoever said that you are a very funny person. OK, so so, oh, Jenna, we have some more Jenna times. Jenna's having a big season on Vanderpump Rules. Yeah, how have they not made her full time? She goes, I know, oh my God, we're gonna see men. We're going to see men. Get it? See men. See men. See men! I usually save this from like yoga laughs sessions. This is going really well.

Ali's like, do you need me to do some Seinfeld to punctuate that? No? Okay. Hey, why did the dog jump up on the giraffe? I don't know, but down talk, down talk everybody. Down to the ground. Down to the ground. As someone who took a yoga class last night, this is hitting a little too close to home.

The yoga teacher was like, there's no better way to say it. You just have to look like you're humping the air, everyone, humping the air. Seamen. So Ali Pali is checking on Katie because she heard it was heated at girls' night. So Ali's like, um, it sounded like you're a little miserable and getting upset about a lot of things really easily, Katie. And Katie goes, I'm miserable and getting

upset about things easily. Who said that as she's actively miserable and getting upset easily. At a party, at a pink party at Vanderpump's house, which is like a girly frilly baby shower. Everybody is literally in pink. It's like a black Stevie mix outfit. Like, she is leaning into emo. This guy was dying laughing. She's actually cracking up so much this year. It's like, what do you mean I'm miserable? Ali goes, I think it's pretty clear you're miserable.

She goes, well, who said I'm miserable? And she goes, la la. Also, it's cracking me up. Ali has some weird thing where she's like not emotionally affected by anything. And it is so hilarious to watch because she does not even care. The producers are like, okay, here's what you need to do. What?

Go tell Katie she's miserable. Okay, Katie, you're miserable. What? Yeah, who said it? La la, go get her. Like Ali does not give a fuck about anything. Cause I'm a girl's girl. I'm from a small town.

Don't understand highways. So by the way, Ali's song sounds a lot like, I just want to grow up. I'm just going to put that out there. Just putting that out there. Like I'm a Toys R Us kid or the Melania? The Melania. Sort of all the same, if you think about it.

So now we're going back, we cut back over to Ariana's house where Tom Schwartz comes over and Sandoval's sitting in a chair moping. And we see Craig, Tom's new assistant, who we saw briefly last week. And Schwartz's like, oh my God, Craig, are you like, are you guys like a duo now? You guys kind of like match, that's amazing.

Sandoval's like, yeah, bro, we're new. Craig's like, yeah, we're together all the time. Craig, you got time to shroom, you got time to broom, bro. Good to clean in, sir. Yeah, I first met Craig because he was like a bartender at Schwartz & Sandy's and like things didn't like work out with Anne, so like Craig is like coming on board

and like if anything like this guy can be like, my son's double, it's pretty cool, just don't tell JoJo Siwa because I think she'd be kind of offended if she realizes she's carrying Craig on her back instead of me. Clea Duval is busy. I tried. She's on Top Chef these days. Yeah. It was crazy seeing Clea Duval on Top Chef.

She really does look like Tom. No. What was her challenge again? Was that the one with the doors? No, it wasn't. Was it the Frank Lloyd Wright challenge? No, it wasn't. Was it the Frank Lloyd Wright challenge? No, it was the weak one. No, I think actually it was. It was the balls. Wasn't it the ball, the, why can I not remember the croquettes?

Was that the one where Cleo de Ball, but Cleo de Ball judged something. They had to do some maybe, I don't know. It wasn't a quick fire, it was a quick fire, I think. It was a quick fire. Yeah, unfortunately she hasn't won enough Oscars to do an elimination challenge. Bless her soul, Claire.

Okay, so Schwartz comes over and so does his terrible haircut, who's like its own person now. And so they sit together and Sandoval's like, yeah, I have a proposition for you. Dun, dun, dun. Oh, don't say it, no. a proposition for you Dun dun, oh Don't say it. No, you're gonna have to make you're gonna make me say my favorite word

What's that the optics the optics are horrible for me? So basically you have a proposition Oh, wait a minute I can stay in your house and you can stay in my house and it'll be like a vacation Neither one of us is really excited for but then we both fall in love with other people and Kate Winslet plays me. No dude you can move in with me. Oh the optics is that it? No!

No! The optics are terrible! I'm already working through this blonde hair! He's like no they're not dude! He's like oh man someone will make voodoo dolls of me and pin them! Yeah didn't someone already do that? Yeah, Katie. Katie did. Ow! I just got pinned by her.

Um, so he's like, what would be my rent? Oh, it's only six grand, bro. He's like, I can't pay six grand. Six grand? Oh my God. He's like, you pay $4,500 a month now, bro. You pay $4,500 for that apartment in the valley? Are you nuts? What is happening in that house? That's wild.

That is crazy. Oh, I cannot in good conscience put 6K towards something that I'm not gonna get a return on. It's like, well, you put a lot of money into your marriage, so there's that too. Oh, but I'm not building equity in here. And your bar. And your bar. And your bar. And your bar. into your marriage. So there's that too. Oh, but I'm not building equity in here. And you never had it there either.

And your other bar and your hair. I'm a little boy. Your bar that you don't really own because your business partner has it. Ah, the optics are so, um, he's like, they would call us too nincompoops. And he's like, no they wouldn't bro, they'd be like, you guys are cool! No! Oh my god, we're the girls, this is the first time I've ever wanted to hang out with the girls.

Are they at the sperm donor party? Yeah, they're at Jizz Fest. Come on, you're supposed to laugh at that, assistant. You can't say that, the optics are so bad. Meanwhile, Lala's like, Swallow our walla bitches. Jenna's like, See, man, cause I'm seeing men. Why is no one laughing at this joke yet? Okay, everyone, before we start picking the donors and going through our binders, I want to play a little game. Okay, so I've got sperms up here and I want to first say thank you for helping me pick

a donor. You're all here because I love you so much and oh my gosh, I'm actually getting like emotionals already about to play. I can't believe me introducing the pin the sperm on the vaginas game is making me emotional right now. Yeah, she's like, guys, because it's just one good thing I've got in my life. It's that I'm a good mama. I'm a good mama.

Oh, my God, you're such a good mama. You are such a good mama. I'm a good mama. Mama, see me belly. Me belly. So I'm a mama. So she's like, this is fun. But obviously, we're picking my baby daddy right now. So that's been the sperm on the vaginas. Oh no! How did I get roped into this? This is so wild! Absolutely not! I'm not secretly aroused by this whatsoever! Oh dear!

So they blind folder up? How am I supposed to know where a vagina is, I can't even find mine! Ah! Ken looks for it, well, when he's allowed to, twice a year! Get it! He's one more, one more! He's used to fumbling around in the dark. Maybe he'd do a better job at this game. A boop-a-doo-ba-doo-ba-doo-ba-doo!

That's how you do it, Ali. So then people play the game and it's, you know, it's like kind of cringe. And Lala's like, okay, bitches and gays, let's pick a fucking donors. Now I want you to meet Brian. Brian's with the California Cryo-Bang. And Brian's like, hey everybody, just want you to know I just spooched in one of these vials.

Okay, it's the mystery spin. It's the mystery spin. Yeah, so he's at Cryobank, which is actually not a bank where you deposit your tears, which is making me a little sad. So, okay, first is donor number one. I could have just made a deposit with all of my, I'm a good mama's tears. No, I'm getting emotional now.

I'm picking the mints. Okay, donors number ones. Okay, he's like, okay, he really has all. He's tall, he's 6'2", and he has an athletic build. Okay, and he's also kind, polite, and friendly, which we all know are genetic traits. And he's also has a gentle demeanor. I'm like, gentle. What is the genetic sequence for gentle and calm and polite? Also, gentle people don't call themselves gentle.

I'm telling you that right now. You know who's called gentle? Dogs that bite you from the pound. Like, he's gentle, usually, usually gentle. If only Emily Post knew that she didn't have to write these books. She just had to like, just had to look for the genetic coding for being polite. Yeah, that's all you really need. So we all know that they're going to pick this guy because this is Bravo and the only thing anybody cares about is height. And this guy's six foot two, so he wins and he's thin. So, for look, this is unfair to do to your other child.

I haven't even seen your other child, so I'm not shaming your other child. I'm just saying you can't have one rand baby and then another six foot two model baby. That's just not fair. You need to like ask Danny DeVito if his sperm is available. You can't just be giving your children such an uneven life, okay?

Yeah, we've seen that movie. So she knows like, oh my God, like it's literally starring Danny DeVito. It literally is. She was like, that's what I thought you were referencing. I wasn't, but I mean, I guess I was without knowing it, but yeah, it's that. And also when you're telling it on national TV going, I just want one baby that's mine.

Like, you can't do that. It's like, that's the other one's Ranz. This one's mine. It's tall. Mine's the tall ones. She's literally acting like she's a musician doing a solo act. Ranz' baby is the one slapping people

with fried chicken breasts. Mine is the one over here winking at everybody looks kind of winking like Brandon's now that I think about it. So she is like, Oh my god, bachelor number one, his favorite song is grown ocean and his favorite animal is lion we're done here. I'm like, yes, two more things that will genetically be passed down as a favorite song is growing ocean. Yeah.

So now donor number two is, he's got a master's degree, okay, which he probably paid for by coming. And Alex is like, oh my God, it's a master's in art history. What a sadge. Oh, I like this number two, because his family, his favorite animal is a dog.

You got to have this guy. I'm like, wow, I can't believe I found someone whose favorite animal is a dog. It's like needle in a haystack, am I right? This baby is gonna be like, I like sugar. Like, oh, what a deep, different baby you've got. But Ariana does not like this guy. Ariana's like, um, word of advice

for all potential sperm donors, when you're filling out your profile, be thorough and heartfelt in your answers because you are in it, because are you in it for the right reasons? It's like, oh wow, real syntax burn right there. She's already ready for her love island gig. Why are you even here?

So the next one, donor number three, has a major in accounting and finance, and his biggest passion is cooking. Lala's mom goes, that's great because you don't cook. It's like, well, you can have the baby make the meals. Lala's like, we're not shopping for the mats, just the sparts. So now it's time to vote. And Ally is like, this're not shopping for the mats, just the spurts. So now it's time to vote.

And Ally's like, this is so hard, Lala. Until it gave you the sample. Then it went down for a while. And then it came back up because that's how I was built, ladies. Randence, please stop touching the vagina on the, pin the sperm on the vagina. We're voting now. So I guess if I have to explain it, the joke is that semen, cause I'm visually seeing men,

but the thing that comes out of the bony is called semen. I just, I feel like it was a good joke, everyone. It was a good joke. So of course I choose donor number one and they're like, Oh my God, you guys, I have my freaking donors. And Katie's just like clapping like Nicole Kidman. She has her like fingers like magnetically opposed from each other.

And I was like, I literally hate this party. She hates everything about it. Katie's the only one who realizes, Katie's the only one who realizes that all three donors are Brian. You guys are stupid. It's just him. It's like, I just saw that guy coming into a vial.

Just saw him. He has the same haircut as Ralph Wiggum. Like, of course it's him. Ralph Wiggum. Okay, so she picks, guess who? The tall one, everybody. She picks the tall one. Everybody's super excited because guess who they all voted for? The The tall one, everybody. She picks the tall one. Everybody's super excited

because guess who they all voted for? The fucking tall one, okay? Yeah. Okay, so then, let's see. We go back to James and Alice's house under the plane. So James is playing like football with Hippie and he's like, you didn't touch me. You didn't touch me, you stupid dog,

you stupid, untouching dog. And then they go inside and Mr. Banks is just there licking his paw like, I'm just in a house of morons. What am I doing here? He's got a point, that's for sure. So I always say, I went to a sperm party and there were no birth charts, but I need to see birth charts.

Cause they were like, we can't disclose the location of birth and I was like, but that's very important. because all I care about is let me see your GPA in high school and your son's sign. But you're with James. I know. I wonder who's James' GPA in high school. I don't think it was great. I was just going to go out on a limb and guess that it wasn't great. Um, he, I think the, the, his letter grades were Y O U S T U P I D F U C K I N G F A

T W H O R E. Your GPA was you stupid fucking whore. Fat. Don't forget the fat pot, Ali. So Ali is like, by the way, I don't know if I want to have babies. Cause I'm like not ready. It's like, seems like it'd be fun, but like, I don't know. I want to have babies because I'm like not ready. It's like, seems like it'd be fun, but like, I don't know, it's boring.

I don't want to do it. I'm just gonna sit from this enormous yeti cup that's the size of a player piano. And he just starts crying immediately. And she's like, yeah, I don't know. Cause I literally never felt that babies, you know? And all my friends, they're like, they're called to this. Like they want it, but I don't.

And he's like, oh, but yeah, like they dream about it. I don't dream about it. I don't like Pinterest board about it. But these are the things that I want. And these are the things that I've worked my whole life for. I mean, sort of work, but in quotation marks, I guess you'd say. How have you worked your whole life for a wife and child? What are you even saying right now? Where did that come from? You don't even have a job. I'm not. Yes, he does. So I'm a DJ who sits on toilet paper and plays from the balcony of a little bar.

Listen, I see that picture with you and I see kids with you and it scares me when you see a black ray and it's like, well, we've been together for a and I see kids with you and it scares me when you say you're not ready. And it's like, well, we've been together for a year and a half and like, it's really like, I don't want to do what I do and we're carrying me with someone for five years, come to find out it was all bullshit. And I never met anything anyway. Yeah. This is the part that I realized that Allie is kind of my hero because she just stares

at him while he's like sobbing and going on. She's like, yeah. That's it. That's her reaction. She's like, uh-huh. She just nods. She's like, yeah. He's like, but everything I've gone through, it's leading me up there. I just want you. It's breaking my fucking heart. Yeah. Yeah. I know kids are rewarding, but what was rewarding for me was finding a way to make this Yeti cup fit in the dishwasher. It's so big. You really can't take these anywhere. Unlike children. You know what I'm called to do? Carry a Yeti cup everywhere I go. The love chapter for me has never been what I thought it was going to be when I was

younger, you know? You think you're just going to meet that person like Kristen Doty and fall in love and spit on their door, but didn't work out that way, did it? You think you could just like fuck your friend, you think you can just fuck your mate's girlfriend to get on a TV show and it's just going to all work out to be a love story, but it doesn't quite do it, does it? It's like I've spent on that door for nothing. One moment you're sending her flowers, the next moment you're watching a spill trickle down the doorway from the people down to the little crack at the bottom. So Alex is like, well, I mean, I do see a future with you. Hold on. Let me close my eyes so I can see it clearly.

I see myself being like, bye. And then putting my Yeti into a suitcase downstairs. I'm a real girls girl. I'm from a small town. Sorry. I saw my music video. For a minute I saw myself getting on a plane, but that vision's gone. It's back.

James, stop trying to spit on the plane. It's not a door. You stupid fat slut. I was just going to eat my eye. So now we go over to TomTom for the first Pump Brunch featured at TomTom. And Lisa walks in and sees her former pump waiters. Oh, my pump boys, the pink pump has turned TomTee. Oh, trademark. That's someone I want to put on a t-shirt.

So guys, it's brunch for the first time ever. So Sandoval comes, his sunglasses, TomTandoval autographs. Hold on. Fog machine. Thanks, Greg. So, uh, Sandoval comes, the sunglasses, like, yeah, I'm me, Tom Sandoval, autographs, autographs, hold on, fog machine. Thanks, Craig. Thanks, Craig. All right, everybody, it's me, Tom Sandoval. And so James like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if you being such a loser, me calling you out on it. Let's be friends, bro. And like, yeah, that's, that's cool, man. I don't want to ruin this moment. I picked out this, this look from Liz Claiborne.

So let's just have a good day. So James is like, you know, after talking to Ali, I have to remember to be the bigger person in these conversations. You know, the most important things in life going on in my life than fighting, arguing with Tom Sanderbohm. Yeah, so then Lala is telling Schwartz,

you look like Ken, like that bad Ken. Oh, no, I don't Schwartz, you look like Ken's, like that bad Ken's. Oh, no, I don't. I don't look like Ken. The optics of that are terrible. So then Ali Bali is complimenting Sheena's outfit saying, thank you. So much for me today. And then this enormous slab of steak arrives at the table for brunch. What? So then, lavas... This is the biggest brunch food I've ever seen. And the whole thing about TomTom is it's healthy. It's not junk food.

It's like really... I mean, I'm not saying this is junk. Well, wasn't it fries and shit? I don't think this is on brand. Here's something we forgot to bring up earlier, which was the music video. And I'm sorry, I won't take us back there for too long, but at this music video they did, does Sheena even sing that song? Because it's sung by a guy that they even show in the music video singing the song, but Sheena's not singing

it. She has a guest verse. Don't you remember when she was in the recording booth where she was like, we're at this party, and don't know. I don't know. Ah! Apple. Apple. Let's have a good time. So Lala's like, by the way, Ally and Katie, like what were you guys talking about at the donors parties? And Katie is like, well, she said a paintball

that seems like I'm miserable and getting angry at everything. So I'm going to pretend to laugh because I'm like not miserable. And look, I'm not wearing black cause I'm not like angry. See, it's like ridiculous that you'd even say that. Ha ha ha, change your mind. Ha ha. And she's like, I didn't say that words,

at least did I say that word miserable? And she's like, I don't know. I was trying to think of the word, but all I could think of is how I don't want babies with James. She's like, that's hilarious. Did you tell him? I'll accept that.

I'll accept that. Did you laugh while he cried? Yeah. Did Mr. Banks point his paw at him and laugh too? Because that would have been great. Was it a cryobanks? I really want to send my tears somewheres. Mr. Cryobanks.

He runs the banks, right? So Lala's like, OK, well, I was going to have a conversation with you, Katie's because I feel like maybe you're not in a happy space, even though you're trying to look happy right now. And Katie's like, you're wrong. I'm like, really, I'm really happy. Really happy. Really. Yeah, I'm super, super happy. She says, well, I just want to know that I don't trigger you because when you said it girls tonight that you don't feel like I'm loyal or consistent, Katie's like, well, I feel like your softness is going to people that are like, not the most deserving people. And I feel like you're more like defensive with

me lately. Yeah. But you know what? I think because you and I were inseparable last year, and friends go through things, they go through life changes, and you and Ariana, very close now, and I don't know where my place is with you, because I've gone through things. This is so lala. To be poking at someone and villainizing them

the entire season, and purposely going to lunch with these men and stuff who fucked them over and being like, they deserve another chance. Where's my, where was this respect when I got dumped? For me, like, you're going out of your way to fuck with these people, and then you're like, you've been mistreating me this whole year.

You've been mistreating me this whole year and putting them on the defensive. It's very classic, Lala. And Ariana grabs Lala's hand, which is like, it presents like, oh, you know, we're here for you. But it's really saying like, go fuck yourself. So Lala's like, you know, and I get it. I have a kid. And Ariana's like, well, can we just like, I'll have like a night where we just like lay in bed and do nothing. Kitty's like, um, no, we're not on summer house. I don't have a person or a boyfriend or a kid. I really don't even have a plant at this point.

I have all the time in the world. Like I literally have nothing to do. So I don't so don't feel like I don't have time for you because like that makes me feel sad. I just sit in my apartment with two easels up and hope someone comes by and wants to paint with me. So, Sheena's like, well, maybe it's just one of the things that I've learned getting closer with Lala is that like she needs people to check on her a little more. Like, she needs to hear like, ding, what are you doing? And like, ding, what are you doing? And then we find out that Lala's even more full of bullshit because Lala's like, Oh yeah, okay. So I have,

I do have a kid and I haven't spent any time with you or made any effort towards you. So that's true, but we need to show up for each other. No, you, you're like, I have a baby, so I'm going to ignore all of my friends, which is valid. You know, I have friends with babies and I get it, but you're ignoring all your friends and then you're trying to guilt trip her because she's calling you out for talking shit about her. That's- And now you're about to have another baby. So you'll also, it'll be even more MIA. And then you'll be,

and then she's gonna pull the car out of like, I'm going through a Lutz right now. I had like a baby and I've got toddlers and there's like so much that I need people to check in zombies. Oh, geez. So, meanwhile, Schwartz is just- I just know how right you are. I'm like, God damn it. So meanwhile, you are my

cut. Damn it. I know. I know. Now Schwartz is like cheering with he's like cheersing with randoms and everything. And James is DJing and so they start to play. Apples did you notice this one girl who is like getting down and dirty dancing in the front and her friend was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop it. You're on television. You look crazy. Please stop it.

So Apples is like, how you like them apples? How you like them apples? Apples, apples, apples, apples. And then Sandoval is like, by the way Schwartz, I got something from Doug. He has another property we can move into, but like, I'll give you some time to think about it because after living with Ariana,

who's pretty much an enemy, and being able to coexist in that house, I've realized, oh wait, what I've realized you'll never get to know because here I come, Sheena! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hi, how's everything going? Because I know there's been a podcast that's been talking about you and that must really, really hurt you. And you're like, oh, yeah know there's been a podcast that's been talking about you and that must really really hurt you. And you're like, oh, it's been so hard. She's like, yeah, well, I feel betrayed and hurt and so like I'm not going to get any closure either. So, okay, anyway, I'm not going to get an email. Okay, but I just want to talk about something. Okay. So I came out with a song. Congratulations to me. Thank you. Where's my Grammy? Thank you. eBay's branch on me.

That's amazing. Thank you so much. Okay, so there's a couple of lines in it and I just wanted to say they're open to interpretation. But there is one line where it says, from a Ferrari to a Jetta, like, thought you knew better? Like, because, you know, like you went from something gold to like something that's like not and like you can do better. And he's like, Oh man. And shorts like that could be anybody. And he says, you know, the song is open interpretation, except for the fact that Rachel used to literally drive a Jetta. Oh God, the optics of this song are terrible. I think that on the flip side, it implies that one point in Tom Sandable's life, he had access to a Ferrari.

So there, it's a complimentary song. Yeah. And also it's really dissing Tom. I mean, it's dissing Tom, but it's mostly dissing Raquel, right? I mean, she's calling Raquel a Jetta, so. She was like, you're not gonna be able to hate it. And he goes, you know what, you feel differently

if you went through what I went through and I was writing a song about you, but that's okay. It's fine. Just capitalize off my pain. Now, excuse me, I'm gonna storm out of here and put on my dipped out t-shirt. Excuse me, I've got to put on a lightning bolt and do a set about Schwartz's mom and a fog machine.

As people scream, stand up, bitch. I feel like Sheena and I had to come a long way and we're really starting to become friends again. And then it's like, oh, go profit off my pain. I'm like, again, do we wanna go look at the t-shirt that says dipped out right now? The shirt that is about you cheating. Loser.

Just please, you know what? I think it would be so much easier to forgive Sandoval if he would just stop singing. But I feel like the fact that he shows up late everywhere and the fact that he keeps assaulting people's ears with no regards, I mean, surely he knows he can't sing. No one is that crazy. Like even if you're surrounded by yes men,

you've heard people online being like, please stop. Like, don't you get noise complaints? Like, how are you getting away with this? I mean, I think that that is just proof of how little respect he has for human beings in general. And then he goes, I mean, it's just like, oh, okay, you're going to make a song. I'm just going to be like, oh, Tom, you're gonna make a song. It's just gonna be like, oh, Tom's gonna be collateral damage in this. I don't give a shit. I gotta put my track out. Sir, you cheated on your girlfriend of 10 years and had basically very, like very faux remorse about it. I'm so bored.

He's gonna be the one to talk about collateral damage. I'm so bored with him. He's just like, he's never gonna learn. He's just gonna be that sad, douchey guy. He's aged 10 years and two, and now we're just gonna watch him slowly decline and say the same things over. I think James was right. He's like, he's gonna be that washed up guy in a karaoke club, pulling his dick penis

out of his jacket, being like, I played this on TV one time, you know, with the cracks that he had to have glued together from AM and, oh, it's just. Yeah, and he goes, he goes, if Sheena was really caring about mending things, she wouldn't have done this. Sheena does not care about mending things.

She cares about staying on the TV show and shooting with whoever the producers wanted her to shoot with. That's all she wants. And if you knew Sheena at all, you knew the very first thing she was gonna do was try to capitalize off of this, which shows that you don't know Sheena at all.

Well, you know who else is annoyed that they're trying to capitalize? I've seen Sheena from both sides now. What? I'm sorry, what'd you say? What were you singing? I was just singing a little song about Sheena. That's all, go on. You know who singing a little song about Sheena. That's all.

Go on. You know who else is very hurt by Sheena's song? I'm trying to think of his name. I was going to say Robin Williams, but he's RIP. Sorry. Casey Kasem? No, the guys from Good Will Hunting. Cause that's Good Will Hunting.

You can't just be like, what are you referencing Good Willwill hunting 30 years later. So that's what guys, how about them apples? Matt Damon. Yeah. Sorry. I blew that one. What a day.

What a day. This has been a lunatic lunatic. I have no idea what we've talked about. It was so fun. This was a day, this was a Vanderpump orgy. I mean, it was, we talked about five episodes of Vanderpump Villa today. And tomorrow we talk about the valley. Tomorrow we talk about Jax.

We're leaving this recap to go take notes on the valley. J-X knocked over the cake at Chris's birthday. So if you want to roll in the Vanderpump mud with us, go to Patreon. We've got our first five episode catch up deal or first four episodes. And then we have a recap coming out later this week for that. So go join Patreon and thank you for everybody being here and on video and on Patreon, everything else, and go get your tickets for our European trip you guys. It's gonna be amazing. Yeah, see everyone on the next episode. Bye!

Watch what Crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Ashley Savoni, she don't take no bologna. Strolling the park with Caitlin Clark. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Hitchels! Aaron McNicholas, she don't miss no trickle-us. She's never scary, it's the Green Fairy. Jamie, she has no less name-y. Hava Nagila Webber. Know your worth with Jason Kurtz. She's the wind beneath our Jennifer Wing. Zip some Scotch with Jessica Tratch.

She's always supplying, it's Kelly Ryan. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. We want to hang with Liz Lang. Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg. The Bay Area Betches, Betches! And our super premium sponsors. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. We're takin' the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Kaitlyn O'Neal. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides.

We forever love Ava. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish, it's Jen Plish. She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony. Junie, my favorite Murdo, Karen McMurdo. We love him madly, it's Kyle Podshadley. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender,

the incredible, edible Matthew sisters. Give him hell, Miss Noelle. She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke. Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony. Let's take off with Tamla Plain. Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch or Crap and add free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey.