Watch What Crappens - # 2397 The Valley, Part Two: The One Where Brittany Poops on a Sting Ray

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

This is part 2 This episode of The Valley (S01E05) has everything: two crumbling marriages, broken air conditioning, and some deeply traumatized stingrays.  Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Hi everyone! Welcome back! This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're wondering where part one was, we'll go check in the feed and be sure to subscribe. Okay. So, um, It's like, it's like traffic and weather on the eights. It's like chocolate and chocolate updates on the, on the eights.

And Zach's like, let's be real. It's hot as balls in the valley. Hot as balls. And Jesse's like, I will hot as balls in the valley. Hot as balls. And Jesse's like, I will never live in the fucking valley. Okay, but here's the thing. You live in the hills, which is fancier. Like I'm not gonna say it's not, but you don't have a closet. You see what I mean?

You give up things living in any neighborhood you choose in LA, you're fucked, right? Because you look at anywhere in the hills, there's no closets there. You literally have to use a room, a bedroom and racks in your room for closet space. Pete Slauson When it rains, you have to be concerned that your house is going to fall down a mountainside. Jared Larson Worth it though. I want to live there so bad. I want to live in the hills. I'm going to do it. Pete Slauson It'd be fun to live like low hills.

Jared Larson Any multimillionaires who want to buy me a house in the hills, give me a call. Ding! All right, so we go back to Malibu and now they're done with the paintings. And Brittany's like, look at cute, Arnold's the cutest of the group. We have the cutest paintings in the group. And Michelle's like, I know, I want to frame it, except I can't because I also want to wear it. Wouldn't someone acknowledge these these sweet sweet kicks I bought So then Britain is like you won't talk long while we go talk come on let's go talk

So they go into a room and Britain's like I'm gonna make this extra romantical for our friendship I'm gonna sprinkle Cheetos all over the bed make this extra romantic for our friendship I'm gonna sprinkle Cheetos all over the bed. Okay have a seat. How's it going? How's your marriage? And she's like Jesse goes through his like patches of trying but I don't know if it's 100% sincere. Oh speaking of sincere I just brought a bottle of Sincere in here. Is that okay if I drink some of it? Anyway, if you don't feel happy in this relationship like at all Like do you are you unhappy and she's like, um, I'm more unhappy than happy

like if I had to put a number on it a Hundred percent unhappy and zero percent happy. So yeah, more unhappy than happy. Well, if you look at it this way, a hundred is two more zeros than just one zero, which means you're kind of more unhappy than happy, which is good, right? You're winning. I already had her cheetos. Hi, how long have you been feeling like this?

And she goes like, she says basically since her daughter was born, because, for just three years, because I guess it was during COVID, Isabella was born and Jesse was like very hands on, I guess was like very present in their relationship. But then once everything opened up again. Yeah, you had to be. There was nothing else to do. It's interesting, isn't it? Because you usually hear the opposite. Like during COVID, people were stuck together and they went fucking crazy and dumped each other. But with this couple, it's like, isn't it? Because you usually hear the opposite. Like during COVID, people were stuck together and they went fucking crazy and dumped each other. But with this couple, it's like,

wow, he's only a good husband during COVID. And then the world came back and I lost my husband again. Yeah. And then he decided to go back out into the world. And she's like, I seriously see him trying and I'm just holding back. I don't know what it is with me. I think it's just been three years is a long time.

And he's like, yeah, yeah. Is that normal? I don't know. I stopped listening about five minutes ago. You gonna eat that? You gonna eat that Cheeto on the bed? So Michelle's like, yeah, he's trying and I don't know what to do. So then back at the pool, Jesse's still talking about therapy and he's like, you know, I mean, therapy,

it's all superficial issues. You know, you're a careless asshole who is mean and horrible is not some silly issue, sir. So he's like, but a year ago, you know, she applied for an apartment and was like out of there. She told me she was leaving. I mean, I was a little blindsided. I was a little blindsided. Just superficial issues, you know, she just wanted to leave. And he's like, yeah, I didn't see it coming at all.

I mean, after, I mean, I didn't see it coming mainly cause you know, I don't like being around her. So I just try not to look at her. So you can't see what you can't look at. So anyway, after talking about it for a couple hours and me just sort of asking for second chance and saying like, I really don't want to have to redo all our real estate brochures with just me in it,

so can you just like stay in this just for the brochures? She's like, okay, sure. Yeah, so he's like, well, my best option is just to do whatever I can do to give her space. And so then back in Malibu, Michelle's like, you know, I don't know if we can go back to the way things were. And Brittnay's like, well, if you don't feel

like he's your best friend now, has he called you smelly? No. He doesn't feel casual enough around you yet. He ain't pooping in front of you, cause that's a sign of true love. Does he flick boogers at you? Have you ever woken up with him picking your nose cuz he said you're snoring too loud Just trying to get your boogers out and then he eats one. That ain't love man. That ain't love. You should love.

Hey love. Hey, has he ashamed you about the size of your boobs yet? Did you get implants for him yet cuz that's something that you probably should do for your man. Oh my gosh, did he put two two hefty bags inside of you and then complained about him for the rest of your life? I haven't made my ham sandwich lately. So basically, Michelle's saying, look, I think the bickering and the fighting is not going to be good for our daughter and that maybe we'd be better off with as separately unhappy

than together and fighting and unhappy. So Michelle's already left this relationship. She's gone. Yeah, Michelle's already learned this. I think Michelle started this TV show knowing that she was fucking out of there and she just stood back and let him dig his own grave. And I think by this point she's like, well, I didn't have to wait for the entire season for him to look like an asshole to the audience. He did it within five episodes. So see ya, sucker! So then back at the pool, Jesse's like, I mean, maybe if I got my eight pack back,

then maybe he should be a little more attractive to me. And Jax is like... No. Which also is like, if your relationship was based off of your eight pack, that also speaks to the foundational failures. So then Jax is like... That failures. So then Jack's like, you know, that's true. Jackson's like, Oh, I mean, come on, Michelle is hanging out with right now. So

that's like, oh, that's a, that's a one-upper big time. And we're all like, I was like, wait, what was that? What? Something was beeped and it was also blurred out in the caption. What, what what's going on right now? Oh yeah. So they're like, what? And he goes, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He's directing right now, this guy's directing and Zach's like, yeah, and he loves Chateau though, am I right? Like no matter how much he's directing, he's always Chateau, that's what I hear.

Right guys? Chateau. Oh yes, Van Villa, Chateau Rosabella, am I right? No, Lisa, different Chateau, actual real Chateau Rosabella, am I right? No, Lisa, different chateau, actual real chateau, Chateau Marmont. So it's like, yeah, chateau's at the end of the street and I love going down there. And then Jax tells us that Michelle's always claiming that she doesn't know who famous people are. You know, she's just a normal girl.

She's not obsessed with fame, but she hangs out at the Chateau Marmont every day. And she was going out with a famous director, who they say the name again, and it's beeped out. And he's like, yeah, and she walks down from her house and she just so happened to meet this guy at the pool and they get along. I love that. Can you just go to the Chateau Marmont pool if you live on that street? Maybe you can. Maybe also if you're pretty, you know, like I think if I lived on the street, I'd be like, hi, just checking in for the 73rd straight day. Can I use the pool? No, no, sir. This pool is only for people with good posture. Okay, no problem. I'm just going to come in with a bag of peanut M&M, a pounder bag of peanut M&M's, do cannon balls in the chateau. I just moved in right in the street, y'all.

Mind if I do wordle in the chef's lounge by that pool? Of course, so by the way, this is a much better mystery than Roni's restaurant mystery, which turned out to be catch, I believe. I would like to know who is the director, who are people saying is the director, is it Bradley Cooper?

Is it, I'm trying to think of other directors that might be famous. I saw on Reddit, I think it was a funny guess, I don't think it was a serious guess, but they went through people that she's following, and she's following Sylvester Stallone. People were like, oh my God. She's banging Sly.

That would be really amazing. Yeah, I wonder who it is. So, Jax seems to know, Jax knows who it is, right? But they're not saying it on camera, or they are saying it, but it's being bleeped out like we already said. Okay, so then Jax is like, yeah. And Jesse is like, yeah, I mean, she was with him like the entire night.

And then they got along and they were talking and they got wrecked. And then they had dinner the other night with a famous actor, so that's happening. And Jax is like, yeah. And then it turned out to be another day. And then another day, like, you don't think this is peculiar?

Mm-hmm. He's like, and then Jason is like um so are you cool with Michelle hanging out for like an extended period of time and Jesse's like look I told her to hike up her skirt and fucking drop her blouse down do whatever you have to do yeah man make that sale and they're all like, this feels a little strange. I don't know, this feels a little off. Yeah, he's trying to make it funny, but they're like, she's cheating on you. She's blatantly cheating on you, sir.

And so Jax is like, yeah, you know, I guess Jesse's not bothered by it, but I don't know if I believe that. And so Jesse's like, yeah, and I think I wrote in a text message, you know, and Jason said, I don't know what they're talking about here. Jackson's like, there's, that's his MO when there's uncomfortable situations, he just turns everything into a joke.

And Jesse's trying to do that, but the guys are getting increasingly like, cringed. Like what the hell. And he's, and then Jesse goes, well, I think when you're like secure enough in a relationship or in yourself, you just like trust Michelle is not going to do anything. And if she does something, then it's on her. Do I mean, and then I get to tell Isabella for the next 40 years that her mom fucked everything up. High five, Isabella. I'll just start telling you that right now. It's like, yeah,

Bella's just sitting there eating a eating a hamburger with flies on it. She's like, you're disgusting daddy. Fuck you. I like him pretending like he's secure in his relationship which is hanging on by a thread. So then Luke, then out of nowhere, Luke is like, he tells the producers, I mean, I know Jesse and Michelle's relationship isn't the best, but I'm also holding a secret

that can just end everything, oops. Yeah, Jesse, I mean, Luke is trying so hard and the producer's like, mm, what? And he's like, I mean, things just don't like, I mean, I don't know if I should say this. Kristen hasn't told me it's time yet. I'm waiting for the code word. What's the code word, Luke?

Say it. Okay. Peace. It's also my intention. Kristen's in Melbourne right now. She's like, hold on everyone, I just got a sensation. Luke is about to tell a secret. I'm an empath. I feel it. So Luke is like, would you work through it if she did make a mistake?

And he's like, no, I would never forgive her. I never would forgive her. And so everybody knows that she's cheating basically is what's happening. And so Luke is like, I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her.

I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. I'm not going to forgive her. no, I would never forgive her. I never would forgive her. And so, everybody knows that she's cheating, basically, is what's happening here. It's what it seems like Luke knows, Christian knows, Jack knows, if they know, everybody fucking

knows. And it seems that Jesse even knows because it seems like Jesse knows and he's banking on the fact that he has a child with her and she will stay just for the child. Right. As we know, that's not how it works out. So now he leaves to take the kid home, but also because he's probably massively depressed now. And we go back to the girl's night in Malibu and Brittany's like,

guys, I need to get in the box, we need to play a game. All right, okay. Look, oh my God, look, she looks like Wonder Woman of the future. Look at rubber boobs over there. Ha ha ha ha. Because Nia sits down with like the the pumper milk or whatever things. And so then they're all sitting down. It's like now it's time. Okay, we're gonna play truth or dare J. Okay. All right. Okay, you pull block. You have to answer the thing. It's like now it's time. Okay, we're gonna play truth or dare Jenga Okay. All right. Okay, you pull block. You have to answer the thing. It's like cuz of different truths and layers and things like that Oh, whoops. This block is a cheeto. Okay more for mama. Okay. All right Okay, truth, truth. I picked the truth. Okay. I don't like to poop in front of people But I was on the boat with Jax's parents and Jax and I had to go die red

And I didn't want I didn't want to go in the bathroom so I went into the water and I diarheed. I just pulled my suit out and I went pffft and I diarheed everywhere. I got it on stingrays even. Oh my god. I made Jax walk the boat because I was afraid of all the stingrays and such because that's how Slav Irwin died. He pooped on a stingray and it killed him. So like I don't want to be that way too.

I couldn't be like another same, I got crazy rooms at home, okay? So it was scary, but immersive to him. Everyone's just looking at her like, oh, gross. I was like, isn't it funny? I did not read all over everything. I was like, really? This is, I was like, you know,

you could have just told a story about how one time you were on a date and like you like realized you had like a piece of spinach in your teeth. And then she's like, I shat on stingrays. I shat on stingrays and made Jax walk with me through my diarrhea water because I was afraid of retaliation. It was like the most disgusting story.

It was like the most disgusting story. And she's like, and you know, Florida and Jenica's really clear water, right? Yeah, we know. Formally. Looked like the Hudson River after she was done with it. Wow. So, um, she's like, oh my God, them stink rats are gonna eat my poop. And so, so, Brittany is still yucking and everybody else is grossing out and she just

keeps on going. And finally gets to Janet and Janet's like, Oh, my God, Michelle's doesn't like this conversation. Michelle's like, I don't even like when you say poop, which is like me. I don't either. You've got you've loosened me up a little bit with this stuff. I do not like poop talk. I don't either. You've loosened me up a little bit with this stuff, but I do not like poop talk. I don't like it. Well, listen, nothing can loosen up like poop. So Janet is like, Janet says, Michelle goes down to the lobby to poop

when she's on vacation with Jesse. She won't poop in the same room, which that is wild. I'm sorry. I feel like one of the privileges of being in a relationship is that you can talk about each other's poop and farting and all that stuff. everyone knows everyone knows if you're if you're not able to exercise the right to talk about poop and farting with your partner or something is wrong. Well, that's why I'm this is the this is this is the this is the most damning piece of evidence against Michelle's crumbling marriage is that she can't even poop.

In the same room. I think it in the same room as her husband. I forgot this but Bernie's like, you know, poop in front of your husband. And then they show that scene when Jax is just pooping with the door open. He's like, yeah, we're finally at that point in our relationship. We're finally taking that step. And Michelle's like, keep it to yourself. That's why doors were created. But we're not saying poop with the doors open. Like that's wild, just poop. You can poop. Like I can't believe.

So then they start talking about sex and when did they last have sex? And Janet is like, the last time I had sex was Saturday and it was missionary for 15 moments. We both finished and it was great. And then like, hi Bernie, what about you? The last time I had sex, probably like a month and a half ago. And he's like, that's embarrassing. And they're like, I mean, come on. I mean, really, really? And he's like, well, I'm married and I have three kids and I'm doing it more than her. And he's like, what? That's why you got three kids?

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, to fresh water. Her life is turning into the White Lotus theme. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I like her, I want her to do all TV theme songs in Britney voice. Okay, we just had our brand Vanderpump rules theme song off. The Brittany stay out of this Brittany.

So Britney is they're all that weighing in like, Oh my god, Britney hasn't had sex in a month and a half. That's wild. That's crazy. Oh my god, that there must be problems. I bet Jacks has. Yeah, Jacks is Jacks is not going through a dry spell. and a half. That's wild. That's crazy. Oh my God. There must be problems. Yeah, Jackson's Jackson's not going to address well, that's for sure. Just bring me Jackson still having sex three times a day somewhere. With Amy and Pam also known as a MPM. Yeah. So Brittany is like,

we've MPM lb. So Brittany's like, you know what he needs to do? He needs to just make me feel like I'm still attracted because I don't really feel like that right now. And he's like, what have you told him that? And she's like, he knows. And they're like, no, tell him. I know, but it's just like a whole thing.

And like, and then if he puts me down, I think I'm gonna cry. Cry. And they're like, oh my God, Brittany, no. Because now you're starting to see too, like, God, she feels really insecure about her body after she had the baby, and she's not getting any positive reinforcements. And now I'm like, well, now everything sort of makes sense

with Brittany too, like the nervous laughter, the drinking. She's probably feeling totally alone. Right? Because you know what she's marrying, and alone. Well, it always makes sense, right? Because you know what she married and it's like, is it worth it? You know, like, I know that you get things out of it, I guess. There's like Vanderpump rules, there's like upsides, like Jax, I guess had upsides, but Jax is not an upside, just in general. And he's just an asshole. He's a cheater. You know he's cheating. You know he's just being mean and horrible to her and putting her down.

I mean, you just know it's going, we see he does it on TV. It's not like it's a big secret, you know? Yeah. So yeah, it's sad, but it's also like, it's all it's like watching someone who ordered a salad and you know, they don't want a salad and then the salad comes and they're just sitting through lunch looking miserable with their salad. And you want to feel for them, but they ordered the salad, eat the salad. No, you don't get my fucking French fries.

You ordered that, you eat that. These are mine. Yeah, exactly. So, Britney says that Jax is like really hard on her and puts her down a lot, which is like, yep. Well, I think that's like probably like, we knew that was gonna happen. Doesn't justify it, but we knew that would happen.

Yeah, and that's important to say it doesn't justify it's not like, oh, you deserve it then it's not that it's just like, don't keep staying and thinking it's going to change tomorrow. Use this, use this as a lesson for the next guy that like, you know, do your research if they're on TV, watch some seasons and these red flags. If everyone else sees the red flag and you're seeing a green flag, then maybe get your glasses checked.

I don't know. So she's going on about Jack's being an asshole. Literally no one's surprised, right? So then Nia gets a text from Danny and he's like, babe, the baby, they're screaming. So she's like, are you okay Nia? And she's like, Daniel's been texting a poor guy, the baby, he just says 302, 302, 302, 302.

Hold on, let me scroll up a little bit. He's really going off right now. 302, 302, oh, okay. The babies are screaming and he fed them and changed their diapers, but they're still crying and their air conditioner's broken and he needs me to come home. You know what?

This is bullshit, I think, on his part, okay? Because it's like, this is a weekend that she actually organized for people. She's going through it. He knows that she's going through it. And he has the kids for one night and he's like, oh no, it's too hard, come back. I was like, you know how many parents

don't have that luxury? Just suck it up and do it, okay? The kids will go to sleep at one. The kids will stop crying at some point. You just have to deal with it. I mean, I'm not a parent. But all I know is that there are a lot of people who don't have someone they can call up and say, can you come over here and help me? with it. I'm not a parent, but like, but all I know is that there are a lot of people who

don't have someone they can call up and say, can you come over here and help me? And they just, they get it done. They figure it out, figure out a way. And you've got friends you have, like her sister's around, right? She showed up at a party recently. Call people, call up, call up one of your bros. Like, I don't know, like don't buy your poor wife. Have the guy who hasn't had a baby yet, Janet's husband, what's his name? The born lawyer guy. Jason, I'm like getting some practice.

Yeah, he needs to do something. It was like 8 p.m. by the way. It's just like, I just felt like this was so obnoxious. And triple so, because he's not only making her come home, he's making her come home from Malibu to the valley. That is an hour and a half I I have a I have a question though. This is this is actually like it's conspiratorial But it's like a little serious. My question is this do you think that maybe She asked him to send those texts that way she could leave like maybe she was feeling depressed

not saying that in a damning way, but like I feel like I've definitely experienced that with some of my friends who've had depression where they've kind of like they've engineered a situation where they can peel out early because it's like too much for them to deal with. Part of me did wonder if I was like I want like I want to get mad at Dani about this. Like I really enjoy feeling rageful, but part of me wonders like was she feeling really depressed and just wanted to go home but didn I want, like, I want to get mad at Danny about this. Like, I really enjoy feeling rageful, but part of me wonders, like, was she feeling really depressed and just wanted to go home but didn't want to, like, let everyone down? Oh, I don't know. I don't know, but I'll tell you what, that's not the cure. Three screaming babies hanging off of you and pooping all over you is probably not the

cure for that. So I hope not. I hope she would be a little bit smarter. That would make me feel very sad. That made me feel very sad for her if that was something. I'm not saying that she did do that, but it was something that crossed my mind. Hypothetical reasons to feel sad for her.

You know what I mean? Like she's got an F. Let's just let that woman drive her. Ultimately, ultimately got to go with what we see on TV, which is that Danny was like, oh, babies, I don't know what to do. You have to come home, which made me really annoyed at him. Yeah, me too.

So, Britt, and that's the thing, that was the danger of the show, I think, and we're totally, of course, gonna fall into it immediately, is like suddenly judging everyone's parenting and like, how dare you judge me as a mother? What I do as a mother? I reserve the right to.

Yeah, I mean, that's what we're doing, you know? It's kind of fun. It's kind of fun having no experience in something and just still hating on it. Absolutely, because a lot of people have a lot of opinions about gay lifestyles, so guess what? Turnabout is fair play. It's like when we watch Top Chef and we're like,

oh my God, that technique, seriously, work on that. You know what, it takes a village and congratulations. We're two fun houses. We're two chic. Your village has a gay-per-hood and it's here and it's raising your children now. Yeah. Okay, so she leaves and, you know,

the girls are like, oh my God, poor thing. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. 50 high school senior girls descend on Mobile, Alabama every summer to compete for a massive cash prize. It isn't survivor. It's one of America's most lucrative scholarship competitions for teen girls. It's been around America's most lucrative scholarship competitions for teen girls.

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wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of the competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of the competition early and ad free right now by joining Wondry+. I love a good parasocial relationship with a celebrity who will probably never know my name. I mean, honestly, who knows? Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G.I. Jane too. Can't wait to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much.

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And I'm Matt Bellassai. And this is Dis & Tell. Where we unpack why we get so invested in these feuds. And whether or not our attention only makes the whole thing worse. Follow Dis & Tell wherever you get your podcasts. And so then the next morning, Janet's cleaning up and making breakfast. And she's like, yeah, last night was great. I mean, there was no fighting, so that was good.

But Brittany's a little, um... And then we cut to last night. Brittany just jumping all around being like, party, by Michelle, by Nia, by Nia, hope you feel better, party, woohoo, yeah! You're a cool guy! And it's just like a total disaster. And then we see, and Brittany's just like moaning in bed,

and then Janet, then we're back, and Janet goes up to like a little table, and Brittany's just like moaning in bed. And then Janet, then we're back and Janet goes up to like a little table and Janet's like, well, Kristen forgot her sunglasses, her entire wallet. This is very typical of Kristen. And I thought she meant like, oh, Kristen went into her bedroom and left all her shit out in the living room. But no, it turns out that Kristen left the house at six in the morning for some reason.

She went to sleep immediately and then, then she was gone and she just left her wallet and her sunglasses at the house. Everything. I love it. Surprised her car keys weren't there. I had to haul her in my car to get her home. So they're like, God, what happened to Kristen? No, why would she leave at six in the morning? So then're like, Oh, what happened to Kristen? Why would she leave at six in the morning? So then they're talking about Bloody Marys and Jasmine's like, who's going to make blood?

Why are we making Bloody Marys? And she's like, Oh, Brittany wants some. So then we cut to Brittany going, no alcohol. I don't remember anything. I mean, tequila took over. I was three sheets to the wind, y'all. It was girls night. Hyuck, hyuck.

Cut said Brittany literally throwing sheets into the wind. I don't like this sheet. Hyuck, hyuck, hyuck, hyuck. So now Brittany stumbles into the kitchen wearing a cool mom t-shirt. And she's like, yeah, they're like, you want a Bloody Mary? Oh, no, I said like a good idea yesterday, but now I'm like, no way. I'll have three, please.

So they're like, last night was fun, right, Brittany? And she's like, I'm gonna throw up. So she has to go to the bathroom and barf. She's like, well, she's, she's partying pretty hard. And Janet's like, oh God, driving home, I'm gonna have to go home hungover Brittany barfing. I mean, like, it's gonna be like literally like Hansel and Gretel, but instead of following crumbs,

you're just gonna find little vomit, little piles of vomit, Brittany vomit, little Cheez it's cheese, it's in tequila piles all the way back in the valley. You know, some stingrays like honestly, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it after what I've been through. So now they all leave and we go back to Danny and Nia's apartment and the repairman have just left and then he to talk about well what a nightmare last night was without the AC and Nia's like well then like turn the

AC on okay okay so let's have a talk okay so Danny's like he's joking he's like you make me any food she's like no it's a different age Donnie no Daniel so they just basically start talking about what happened last night and everything, and they start talking about how Jackson and Brittany haven't had sex in a month and a half, et cetera. What's he getting when he said, did you make me any food?

I mean, I want to kill him. Was that true? Why is that in the mix? Please tell me that he didn't say that. I felt like he was joking, but kind of meaning it, considering he's someone who just demanded that his wife come back from the event that she planned. If he really said that, I will kill him. I mean, I won't kill him. I don't want to get arrested

if he does get killed, but I will not be happy with him. Okay. He will haunt you. Look in his eyes. He will haunt you for the rest of your life if you do that. Maybe I thought he was a zombie. So, you know, they're talking about how they definitely have like a lot of fun when like in the bedroom and there's like blindfolds and like when the kids were like when the kids were conceived, when Asher was conceived, there's handcuffs and a rose and a blindfold. She's like, Oh my God, if Asher sees this someday, I'll be so embarrassed. So it's all kind of like to talk about sex and everything. Yeah, and see, they're gossiping about the other couples

and how Brittany doesn't feel desired. And she's like, you definitely make me feel desired. I mean, you literally text me begging me to come home. Nothing makes me feel sexier than when you ask me to fix an air conditioner for you while you're making the grilled cheese. But then she sort of segues into how she's feeling and, um, she starts to cry and she starts to say how like, Oh, I think I'm like,

I keep on saying I'm dealing with baby blues, baby blues, baby blues, but cause she doesn't really want to articulate or really like actually make it official that she is like depressed, but they both, they both like conclude that she's like a high functioning, she's in a high functioning depression and she's just like really crying and sad about it. Yeah, and he seems like a good husband and stuff. He's really supportive.

Yeah, he seems like, he seems sweet and stuff. And he's like, I'm here with you baby, okay? Here with you, we got 300 or two. And you know, at the end of the day, you get nothing for nothing. But I want you to look at it and say, three. And then I want you to look over something just you can look under it. Say under. And then I want you to say what's one plus one? It's two, three under two, three under two baby. Now hold the spatula sexy. Okay, now I'm going to take this pan. It's got some bread in it and some cheese.

Now flip that over, go on, you can do it. I'm here for you, I'm here for you. It's gonna feel good. I know a wise man with a mushroom growing out of his head one day. Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr So he's basically like, look, there's no shame. I love it. And he's on every zombie show. Is that what you were doing, The Last of Us?

Yeah, I've never seen it. I assume that's what they sound like. That's a different one. Walking Dead, they're like, and that zombie show, they're like, I'm a plant. I'm a plant. I'm a plant, I'm a plant. So she wants to see a counselor or therapist who specializes in postpartum and he's like, supportive and saying, there's no shame in it,

yada yada, it's all very good. So obviously we hope that her journey is successful. Okay, so now it's post girls night and everybody's talking about it and Jax is, Jax and Brittany are getting ready for bed and stuff and brushing their teeth. And he's like, I wonder how important it is to like, even brush my teeth, because they're all fake. It's like, so who cares?

Like, do I have to brush fake teeth? And I just remember when Tom Sandoval found out that Jax cheated with Kristen and Sandoval's reaction was, but his breath is so bad. His breath is so bad. And so here is Jax 11 years later, like, do I even need to brush my teeth if I have fake teeth? Yeah, that's, that sums so much up about Jax. So they go downstairs and he's like, Oh, I haven't really seen you all day. You didn't come home too nice. No, I was just like not feeling good today. Like, Hey, look at this picture that Jason said my look. It's a Cheeto. Oh, I think I think I took that one Look at this one. It's another Cheeto whoops. Oh, I mean my Cheeto album

So Jack's like yeah, you came home. Okay. She's like I wasn't feeling good today Okay, and he goes yeah, you came home rough and Janet's like we're coming in hot and can you drive me home? And I'm like, what do you mean drive you home? You're like a block away. Britney can't drive you? It's a block. I'm like, there was no possible way I could drive home, okay? I just couldn't do it, guy.

I just didn't eat enough or something. Yeah, cause he's like, did you drink a lot? She's like, no, I didn't drink a lot. I just wasn't eating or something. It's like, but you came home throwing up all over the place and there was a little bag of vomit in the driveway. Okay, okay. That's where, you know, okay. That's where I think your partner might have a point.

Okay? Like there's going out and partying, but then there's like coming home, still barfing the next day and leaving bags of barf in the driveway. Okay, even take the drunkenness out of it. Leaving bags of barf in the driveway. Okay, even take the drunkenness out of it. Leaving bags of barf in the driveway. Come on now.

There's, Britney's had too many tales of bodily fluids everywhere this episode. There should not be so much in one episode from all ends. So she's like, well, that's because I was sick in the car because like the thing is like, you know, because you text me and you say get drunk and have fun, but like, be careful. We love you. And then I go out and have a fun girls night. And then you like make me feel guilty and such and like for having fun girls, I'm throwing up on the freeways and such.

Yeah, this is dark. So he's like, I don't understand why you can't just go out and have a couple of drinks. Like, why do you have to get to the point where you're barfing? And she's like, well, you do it too. And he's like, I've never thrown up. She's, aha, you do the exact same thing. He's like, no, no, we were done. You're at eight. And then Zach was like, Jax, can I go out with you? I haven't been out with you forever and I miss you. And I think I, like, I want to be on this show more. They're not letting me say anything on camera." And I was like, yeah, sure. And then we went out and then I was home by 10, 15, and then your mom was with the baby and she went to bed. And I stayed up until

12 and then we passed out. I was like, fine. But I was asleep about 1130. Guys, it's not that you're not going to sleep on time. Can we not? And it's not just Brittany. Here's the thing. If you're going gonna marry the person you partied hard with, you have to either be drunk together or sober together. You can't just have one of you being non sober and one of you being sober. It's just gonna cause derision. There's no way it's not going to, you know,

because a drunk person when they're not drunk is judging everybody else when they are drunk because they're not drunk. It's just how it works. I don't know why it's like that. It's just human nature. You have to be drunk at the same time It's called love Okay If you know Brittany's gonna be shit-faced and barfing you need to be shit-faced and barfing if you really love her

Yeah, so then he says I'm just a little worried because you know, not only she my wife But she was like a mother and like we need you Otherwise, I have to do things for this kid So like if you keep this up, like you're gonna destroy your body. Now, when he said that I was like, is he saying you're gonna destroy your body because this is bad for your liver

or this is like, you know, like alcohol is just like not good for you. Or was he saying you're gonna get fat? Because one way is more like a holistic concern. One way is Jack's just being Jack's. Well, it's Jack. So I'm going to assume the worst. And I'm going to assume that he's like,

you're going to get that. And shaming, you know? Yeah. And also you're on your fifth nose. Sorry to remind you again in this recap, but I mean, seriously, five, five noses Jack's. So please. Yeah.

He's like, we live in California. You can smoke a joint, you's like, we live in California. You can smoke a joint, you know? You can do other things. So then she's like, I mean, we had a lot of fun, but like, you know, we all like talked and opened up and like, I guess I just want to change the topic to a couple that's doing worse than us.

That way you're not mad at me anymore. So Jesse and Michelle, I know they're struggling a lot. And she was open up to me and, oh, whatever I was talking about or issues, I was like, but he's and she was open up to me and, Oh, whatever. I was talking about our issues. I was like, well, he's like my best friend. I'd like the thing is with Jackson, like he's my best friend and I like, I love him so much. Like no matter what, like, you know what, like I know we're going to be together.

We're going to be a good time. Why don't we, why don't we JX? We'll always have our podcasts. And he's like, yeah, yeah, we're always staying together. Cause there's no D word in my house. There's no D. They've been crying. Love that too.

Doritos? Because we just have a bag over there. We do have that D word. Okay, a lot of D words. Very few D words a lot in this house. Very few D words. Shaggy. I mean, we have fun, but you know, like we also talked, we opened up, Jesse and Michelle, I mean, they are struggling, okay, but you're my best friend, we ain't ever going to get a divorce. And Jack's like, so, uh, how far into our sex life did you get, huh? Huh? She's like, well, everybody went around and said, well, first I talked about my diarrhea

all over you life, that was fun. Then when I had them all buttered up, I said, you don't fuck me either. So it's just a fun night And Jack's like well I mean there's just been like a lot going on like you have like so much going on and like Ampm just like added a new hazelnut brew. So like gotta go there more and she's like, oh, yeah, but that's not an excuse Okay, cuz you can at least try a little bit. Okay okay make me feel sexy or something a little bit something like that and he's like yeah you're right you're right i know it's my fault i know every time i go to sleep i'm like i'm like you know i want to go i just want to pass out and pretend my wife are sexier you know

i know it's my fault but don't make me feel like you're attracted to me guys i don't feel like you're attracted to me or nothing he's feel like you're attracted to me or nothing. He's like, Oh, come on. Of course I'm attracted to you. I mean, does fried chicken look better most of the time? Yes. But you know, you're great too. You're great too. You should write cards, Jax.

I just need physical touch. I need words of affirmation. I need all these love languages. Jax, you ever heard of love languages? I need love languages! Like I do all this stuff. I always say good stuff like that, which we know no he probably does not do any of that I love that he's just heard that word and is now repeating it. I need love languages. Just I don't know I just like you know Ever have the baby and with my body changing and so much and everything like, you know

I'm just feel like a little self-conscious and I just really need to want you to make me feel beautiful. He's like Yeah, you're really beautiful Totally like that dress is like yeah, it's nice fine. I'm just like stressed. I'm stressed right now. I'm so stressed I can't see how beautiful you are He is literal garbage. Oh my God. I need you to make me feel beautiful. Actual yawn. And actual yawn was his response.

And he's like, you know, like when you're down up here, it's like really, really hard to get up right down in your dick. You know what I'm saying? So no pun intended. Well, pun intended, pun intended. Yeah, I mean like, but you know that. I don't think it's a pun, but go ahead, go ahead, Ben.

Well, you know, you take that straight straight X and you get like so worked up for the smallest little things and then you put all that anxiety on me and then I start freaking out, you know what I mean? He's like, yeah, it's just I'm like OCD, like so many bowls in the sink, like how can you have sex when there's bowls in the sink? You know what I'm saying? He's like, yeah, I just I'm like OCD, like so many bowls in the sink. Like, how can you have sex when there's bowls in the sink? You know what I'm saying? I just can't shut it off. You know me, Jax Taylor, always thinking, always thinking. I'm the stinker. That's just me. Yeah, I'm just so stressed right now. I mean, like, because I've been the bottom.

I mean, I've been at the bottom and I know what it's like to sit around and just wait for the phone to ring. And now I've got too much going on. I've got, there's a new season of something on AMC that I probably could watch. So it's like a lot. It's a really stressful time for me.

Getting 2% to pour PBRs out of a, out of a cutout window of a restaurant in the Val. I mean, it's a lot going on. Well, I've got OCD too, Jax. No, you don't. I do too. Add a Cheetos disorder. I just, I can't win. I can't win. I'm just trying to make everyone happy.

I'm trying to make every single person. We all know Jax, my real name is just want to make you happy. Whether it's Brittany or my mother. I just want to make people happy. Yeah. That's stealing the, stealing the car out of his mother's driveway. Uh, so said, I just want you to come to me and say, we'll get through this because I love you to PC it's and I ain't going nowhere. Okay, because we think it's these over here.

Right. And so, so quick day night. He's like, Oh, God, with you. Yes, with me. I gotta go to the AMP. I'm just like, running out of the room. Jesus. And then she's like, yeah, she's like, yeah, it's been like a month on the high app. He's like, oh God, well, our sexy time's only the last like two minutes. Should we try some butt stuff?

Oh, try, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes. So then we go over to Jesse and Michelle's house and he's like, I have an idea for the client's listing. I was like, you should list it or you should rent it. Great. How was last night?

He's like, oh, it was just a bunch of dudes in a pool. You need me to clean it? No. Drinking beers, we're just talking about our feelings. Oh, Jax was asking about therapy. But he was like being like, oh, he was like, like what? He was asking because he was like really, you know, like he was like saying that he wanted to know

if my wellbeing and I was like, oh, and I was like, I want to know like how's it going. And I think I was just like being as honest as I really could be to them. And she was like, oh, she has a smile. And she's like, really, were you being honest? And he goes, well, you know, Jax asked. And I was like, it's kind of chaos.

And she goes, that's a very Jesse answer of you. She goes, well, I learned a lot yesterday being with the girls and I think everybody opened up about themselves and Brittany opened up about their relationship and they're not having any sex. And then I opened up a rap, our relationship, and how things are going. I was like, oh my God, could you please speed it up?

Can you speed up your divorce, please? You're killing me. Is it every pool in the neighborhood at one time that we're cleaning? Get through the neighborhood, please. She's like, I opened up to her, and I said things that I never really said out loud before. Oh, really?

Like what? Like make America great again? No, how could you? What I said, what I said was, I'm not exactly happy with America. Stop it. And I told her, I don't know what to do with our relationship. And therefore it makes me unhappy as a person. I'm just an unhappy person wearing Harry Styles Adidas's.

Look, I'm still not gonna look, Michelle. She wouldn't stop questioning me. And I said, don't ask, don't tell. She's like, well, it's not that I'm not exactly, it's not a surprise to anybody that I'm not exactly happy. And I told her, I don't know what to do with our relationship. And that makes me unhappy as a person. He goes, well, you know what?'m in a bow and I'm going to fight for that bow from Michelle, from my family, for Isabella, for not having to do new marketing materials for my real estate firm. I'm going to keep us whole. There's always a way through it. But

and then he coming down her face, like are the lights even on in this house? Like, did anybody pay the electricity bill? Jesus. Listen, listen, we're spending all this money all the time on this commitment and this quote unquote therapy, whatever this strange science is. Do you want it to work? Do you want it to not work?

Because I know that you want to make it work And I know that you want to be with me, but I don't know necessarily how I feel. And she's like, Jesse and I have been in a bad place for so long and all the fighting is exhausting. I don't know if that's what I want for the rest of my life. My friends say, you just gotta like steal yourself for the worst. And I say, no, stop the steal. I'm not going to do that. I deserve a better life. So yeah, she's out of there. I mean, you can see you can hear it both and she left You know we that was announced that she left but You can just see it written all over her eyes like she's sitting there crying like he's giving legit tears And he doesn't seem like the type to give

Crocodile tears does he to you? I don't I think they're genuine tears, but I think his tears are because I think there are genuine tears, but I think his tears are because he's like, I feel like he's the type of person who says like, I'm making a plan and I always see my plan through and I always make it work and I'm gonna make this work because I said that I'm gonna be a success. And so it's failing. And so I think he's crying because he's failing,

not crying because he loves her. Yeah, yeah, agreed. And he deserves it. I mean, you can't treat somebody like that for years at a time and then just cry when they're on their way out the door. Like, sorry buddy. So she's out of there and good for her.

I hope it's a good director. You know what I mean? I hope so too. God, I would be so mad if it's like some hack director, like, I don't know. I'd be very upset. I want it to be a good one. I want it to be a good one. I want it to be a regular,

I don't know, I can't think of any directors. Penny Marshall, she's dead. She's dead. Okay, everybody. Well, thank you so much for being with us for this epic two-parter recap of this crazy show. Really good show. Fun times.

Go get tickets for our live shows in May in Los Angeles, Dublin, London, and Birmingham. Get them at WatchWhatCrapins.com. Thanks for everybody for being with us on Patreon and YouTube. And we'll talk to you tomorrow for a little summer house action. What do you think of that? Sounds great. Bye. Watch What Crapins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alison King. Ashley Savoni. Sounds great. Bye! It's the green fairy, Jamie. She has no less name-y. Hava Nagila Webber.

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