Watch What Crappens - #2405 The Valley,Part 2: The Bald and the Dutiful

Episode Date: April 25, 2024

*This is part two of a two-part recap!*Jax finds a way to profit off his baldness this week on The Valley, while still finding a way to make an already fraught situation even hairier. Don’t worry, though. Kristen is here to prove her dutifulness by not telling anyone’s deepest darkest secrets. Don’t make her do it guys! Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Winter Is Crappening ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondry's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Well, hello and welcome to part two of this The Valley Recap. We got cut off because of Wi-Fi, New York Wi-Fi. Thanks a lot, New York Wi-Fi.

Okay. You know what? New York Wi-Fi, like, I think we have to stop this podcast. There are too many really forced Rob Reiner jokes happening now. I made some really, I made like a real, a real dud of a joke about Stand By Me. And then Wi-Fi was like, that's it.

We're gonna just, we're just gonna end this episode now. We'll take over from now. All right, well, if you're looking for part one, it's the other video, okay? So go look at that. So here we are, Jack's trying to call Jason not being able to work the phone because, and I think Jason basically has a weird echo on his phone

and Jack's, I think, rightly calls out because it's an Android. Now, I don't think Android phones suck. I actually like a lot of them and I've owned a few of them and I've always liked them. I just always have to end up switching back to the iPhone because everyone else has an iPhone and it always ends up with you being blamed

for everything that goes wrong on a phone call. When anything happens, they're like, it's you and your fucking Android phone, you know? Listen, the Android phones are basically the valley of phones, right? Like, obviously they're like great people who the Android phones are basically the valley of phones, right? Obviously, there are great people who have Android phones and Android phones have some really great features, but ultimately, it doesn't matter how good an Android phone is, it's always going to be made fun of, no matter what.

Even though there are parts of the valley that are just so much nicer than parts of other parts of Los Angeles, people will still go, but it's the Valley. And by people, I mean me. So that's just what the Android phones are. They're the San Fernando Valley of phones. Well, it's sure getting it today, the Android. It's sure taking it up the butt today, that's for sure.

So Jax is pissed and they never even get, Jax tries the WhatsApp, he can't figure shit out. So he just calls Danny instead. Yeah, he has like, I mean his phone call with Jason and that Echo, I was laughing because it was such a thing that we've all had to deal with. Oh my God, when you hear that Echo come back at you. And that normally when that Echo happens,

it's like you've got three more seconds, then you're like, I have to restart this phone call. But Jacks actually had like a full conversation with that Echo coming back at him. I was actually impressed with his fortitude. Literally the first time anybody said that about Jax. So then he calls Danny and announces that he's having a hair loss party at the Mondrian, which is so funny because the Mondrian is where they've partied on this show for years and it's now where they're aging and it's just so strange.

It just makes LA feel so homey. Yeah. And he's basically like, yeah, I'm at that point in my life where my hair is starting to thin out a little bit, you know, between my hair and my nostrils. It's like, everything's going. So, you know, you're just supposed to catch it before it's too late. And, you know, it's just like anything else.

You start noticing certain things and you want to get ahead of it. I was like, it before it's too late. And you know, it's just like anything else. You start noticing certain things and you want to get ahead of it. I was like, it wasn't that what Bravo did with you, getting you off the show and now you're back. Now you're back. So yeah, now we see like flashbacks of him with this guy, Simon, who's like, we think you'd be a great candidate to hawk our product.

And he's like, yeah, you know, I just need it to be easy, you know, cause like guys, you know, like you put shampoo in your hair, like conditioner, something like that, you know, cause it's easy. Cause otherwise I'm not gonna use it. Yeah, Jack, they're gonna reformulate the entire product to be convenient to you. You're not inventing the hair loss product, you douche.

It's an Instagram meeting. Fucking smile and take the money. Also, can we just note that everybody in that room at least the main guy was not only a little bald He was fully zero hair bald and that's why I don't believe in balding products because If they were real bruce willis would have hair like rich people would have hair Okay, I don't want to write about these balding this balding bullshit. The leader of the company is bald I don't want to hear about these balding, this balding bullshit. The leader of the company is bald. Yeah.

Like John Travolta would not look like that game I had as a kid where you take magnetic shavings and put them on a guy's head. I love that. It was fun. I'm like a real life person with that, but like on your back and my, my back is made of metal. So then Danny is like, 302, man. Yeah, Jax is losing his hair.

He has a bald spot in the back of his head and his hair is thin and mud like, kudos to Jax for turning that into money. Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful head of hair and these dark pools of evil in my eyes. Yeah, thank you for this hair, Lord. So then Michelle is talking about her relationship with Jesse and she's like,

ever since she's playing with her kid at some like ball pit or slide or something, it's dangerous because it's a slight into a ball pit, which is I've almost killed many children like that because when I used to go take my nieces to those, the adult comes barreling down those kids Don't move the fuck out of the way. You almost see Michelle nearly decapitates her child when she comes off that slide Yeah, she Michelle comes out that slide like the frickin logs and final destination to on the highway and Isabella is just sitting there That being said that looked like an awesome ball pit place I was like, you know if you're gonna go to one of those

places, it looks like this is it like that kid was running it through that. I don't even know how the cameraman was able to even follow that kid. It looked like it was two feet tall and that camera was going through there with the kid. It looked amazing. Well, yeah, I was actually wondering during that scene. Was that like a GoPro? Or was it a drone? Yeah, that's, I was actually wondering during that scene, was that like a GoPro or was it a drone? Yeah, that's what I was thinking.

Because it was so small, like it was it was so teeny tiny and that kid was running. It was actually almost like a horror movie. And then like, Michelle comes like sliding down that slide so fast. I mean, like, who's really visceral in there? Yeah So she's like, you know ever since Jesse and I had the conversation Things have been going downhill But I want Isabella to not see people fighting has a great man once said People can be ignorant and still have loving human qualities Rob Reiner ignorant and still have loving human qualities, Rob Reiner.

So now we go to Danny and Mia's apartment and this furniture is going to be showing up and you know, because it's going to be a furniture scene. And he was like, so since like being Miss USA, I'm like, I'm now like hired by brands to promote them and like post on social media. And then he's like, although I am more of the breadwinner, I mean, hashtag, am I right? And she's like, Yeah, I mean, like what I say is like, we live off of your salary.

Mine is more for like fun and for like travel and for like expenses. No, cause I'm still paying for all of that stuff, honey. Am I right? A woman working, can you imagine? We pay for it together though. No, yeah, but we pay for it together. And like, I don't know, I'm still the one who's like

Miss USA and your Mr. Does a Voice. So like all our money goes in the same bank account. So we pay for it together is what I'm trying to say. All right, walking lunch lady, you contribute, okay? Here's a figurative pat on your head about it, all right? Silly woman. So, Jesse shows up, and Jesse and Jason show up to like build this stuff.

They're gonna build like, they're gonna move a daybed, and they're gonna build a cradle or something. So. I like that Jax doesn't even pretend sometimes. Like he's part of this show. He's just like, I don't wanna shoot that. Let them do it. But we're putting together furniture.

No. Okay, well, we'll just have the other guys do it. Yeah, cause I'm not doing that. Okay. Yeah. So Jesse is talking about therapy. He's like, yeah, I'm okay. Yeah so Jesse's talking about therapy. He's like, yeah, I'm working with this coach and yesterday on our call He was talking about ego and talking about the alpha male all this pussy bullshit

You know Dems and I'm talking about the vessel and then all this and that and then he sent me up this guy Who does like plant-based medicine work? So he proposed I do sila Sila sobin or psilicebin or ayahuasca. This is such an asshole guy thing to do. This is so standard of guys who don't wanna put any real work in. They just go to the doctor who's gonna tell them to get fucked up.

Now are these therapies real? Yes, I know that there are cases where microdosing and all of that have been, it's been something they've been working on for decades. But come on, let's be honest, Jesse needs a lot more to do some shrooms and some ayahuasca in the fucking desert. Like God forbid you fucking talk through anything.

Just find a way to go get loaded in fucking Palm Springs. And I think it's so funny that he's talking about how his therapy is gonna be like ayahuasca, which basically means in the desert, in a jockstrap. We all know it. And then he talks to that chick from Burning Man later in the episode and gets in trouble. It's just, I love the full circle of it all.

Yeah, totally. So, then Danny's like, I gotta give Jesse credit. All right, all right, all right. I mean, he's actually trying to do things that better his marriage. Like, you know, perfunctory things like getting fucked up and getting high. I mean, the ayahuasca, it's a little ridiculous,

but as I always like to say, never put the before the and just is like, yeah, I just want to step out of myself and see my ego on the inside and wonder, does that ego wear a headband? Does it, does it leave a dent? His, his headband dent was out of control this episode. There was one point where it looked like he was actually wearing the headband still right and it actually looks

Why don't you just wear the headband? I think he looks really cute in a headband. I Actually went back and I was like is he wearing the headband in his interview, but then I didn't actually see the headband Yeah, it looks like it's just like it's why I took it off I don't know what it is, but now I'm obsessed and I wish I had hair so I could wear a headband I'm like, oh my god headbands are in for off. I don't know what it is, but now I'm obsessed and I wish I had hair so I could wear a headband. I'm like, oh my God, headbands are in for guys. Finally, my style is here. Yeah. If I were to wear a headband,

I wanna wear like a Meredith Baxter-Burney headband, like the ones that she would wear when she was Elise on Family Ties. That's the kind of headband I wanna wear. Yeah, I would wanna wear wear a Parvati one, like the big real thick ones. Squint. Yeah.

By the way, I never want us to be inside of his ego. Let's just not, like Jesse's saying he wants to look inside of his ego. Literally, you're gonna look like the girl, what's her face, from the ring when they find her in the closet in the beginning of the movie, that's what you're gonna look like. Your ego's on display, that's the funny thing, like everyone else can see it pretty clearly,

this is weird that he can't. So then we see the flashback fight to that dinner party with Kristen and he's like, you know, like Michelle's hurting. And eventually she's going to recognize her attraction or her respect. But right now I can't ask for respect because blotty, blotty, blotty, forgot the rest of what the therapist said. I'm just waiting for the shrooms basically.

Jason's like, yeah, because you have to build it. And I really hope Michelle is seeing that. And Jesse's like, but right now I can't ask for the respect because, and it's like, because you have to build it. And I really hope that Michelle's seeing that. But right now I can't ask for the respect. It's like, wow, Jason, could you turn off your Android phone? I'm trying to have a conversation with you.

And then it's like, it's ongoing. It's every day. You got to say, I'm choosing to respect what she needs. And that's what I'm going to give to her. Got it? Cause when you do that, it's an immediate change on there. And here's what worked for me this week. I said, honey, you also make money sometimes instant blow job, instant blow job.

And then Jason's like, that's what she said. Ha ha ha ha ha. So then Nia comes in and they do their stuff. She's like, oh my God, good job guys. I guess I'll have to finish it. So now we go over. So now Jax and Brittany go check in on Jax. So they're in their golf cart.

Now they are fully driving in. They're driving down like a three lane're in their golf cart. Now they're fully driving in. They're driving down like a three lane road in that golf cart. Like I've never, never dreamed of a T-bone more than in that moment. And so Brittany's like, I'm sorry. I've never dreamed of a T-bone. Of course I'm talking about a steak.

A steak, a T-bone steak. I just got so hungry thinking about going to a bar and grill. And you know, I promised myself at the beginning of this series that I was not going to let myself feel sorry for Brittany because how many people have to scream at you? They literally brought out a sign at your engagement party or whatever saying don't do it Brittany. I mean, that was a very famous plot line on the show and you still did it.

And part of me is like, you know, I don't know. It's like when you see a deer crossing sign and then you see a deer, a dead deer, and you're like, dammit deer, didn't you see the sign? There's cars on this road. So I kind of feel like that with Brittany, but I do feel bad for her and I can't help it. I can't lie anymore. And when she's in this golf cart with Jax,

they're driving along and she's just like, what are we doing today? Where are we going? We're there, yeah, we're there. It's a sofa, we're in a golf cart. Where are we gonna go? Who are we gonna meet? I'm, yeah, we're there. It's just so fun. We're in a golf cart. Where are we gonna go? Who are we gonna meet? Where I'm gonna get to be a part of something?

You're gonna ask my advice about something? Oh, there, oh, there, oh, there. Everyone, it's my husband. He cares, he cares about my thoughts and my opinions. I was like, this is so sad. You can tell he has not taken her out of the house or asked her a damn thing in years. I have to admit, I feel the same way.

I do feel really badly for her. I feel like she sees her world crumbling all around her and she's just, the more things are terrible, the more she like leans into that giggle, that nervous giggle, and she's just nothing but giggling the entire time. It's like when your cars go by that are like blasting music, but like instead it's just like the

You're like, oh my goodness too much it's a really really sad elevator music Sound but it's just it's just really depressing the sounds of like So Jay X what are they done with the bar? And he's like, oh, well, you're going to see when you go. I just want to hear what they're saying and like what all the decisions have been made without me. And like, I just want to make sure that like I'm up to like they're up to spying on everything. Because like that's what I'm worried about.

And if there's like things that like I could be looking at now, like maybe I could look at wallpaper, or like, I don't know, like just regular paper, or just like anything, just walls, anything, anything between walls and paper, that'd be just wonderful, I just wanna look at something, just anything, J-A-X. And he's like, that's why you're coming, look how involved you are, Brittany,

while you're involved. He's like, it's really important for her to feel like she's involved. So I'm faking it basically. And he's like, yeah, you know, I look at Tom and Tom Tom and Schwartz and Sandys and I keep that in the back of my mind because, you know, that's exactly what I don't want to happen. I mean, I don't necessarily blame me. I mean, I don't think that's especially with Schwartz and Sandys, but what TomTom, I mean, TomTom's doing fine.

TomTom, they have a half of a percent. To Jack's credit, this bar that he owns 0% of is moving along at a much faster clip than either those two bars. And also definitely does not look as like gaudy as Tom Tom, nor does it look as try hard as shorts and Sandy's. So like he already has actually a few legs up on the, on them, but it will still destroy his marriage. Um, well actually Jack will just destroy it.

He's going to destroy his marriage. Can we not blame a place that serves perfectly good carbs? I mean, I think the smart thing that he did here was just saying, I don't know anything, but these people want to pay me to use my name on a place that's not even a real restaurant, but it's kind of in the back of another restaurant that can put my name on it temporarily until they make all the money and then close it, you know?

No pain. And I think that's actually kind of smart, you know? It's not really something, he's not gonna win any awards, you know what I mean? No one's gonna, he's not gonna earn a lot of respect, but it's nice. He has a place to get out of the house and watch TV without Britney sitting over there.

Why don't you get no attention? How come? Hey, hey, I wanna order some wings. Also, I'd like to order a side of, Jack's making me feel attractive. That would be nice, right, I want to order some wings. Also, I'd like to order a side of, Jack's making me feel attractive. That would be nice, right, Jacks? I like that Jacks is focusing on a business

that describes his relationship with Britney, Ghost Kitchen, you know? I think that's pretty much what it is. So, Jacks is, Britney's like, I don't know, I just feel like it's all happening, and I don't even know what's is. So, Jackson is, Brittany's like, I don't know, I just feel like it's all happening and I don't even know what's really going on. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And Jackson's like, okay, well, here's the thing.

When there's a bar, everything has to move fast, which is why I'm driving an exceptionally slow vehicle right now in a major road. But it's costing money, so it has to go fast. Yeah, but like I've got these ideas where even now, I went on, you know, well, they're not really written down, I just took a toothpick and just sort of scratch them into some American cheese.

Oh, damn it. I use that in the grilled cheese. No, I don't even remember what I decided to use for wallpaper. By the way, they're parallel parking their golf cart at this moment and she goes, yeah, and I just feel like nobody's asking me nothing. Nobody ain't asking me nothing. Like, oh my God, why would they? Look at the two of you parking a golf cart,

not even able to form a goddamn sense. Go home, just go home. I couldn't even have a chance. They have an idea but put forth. So. Nobody asked me nothing. He's like, okay then, you know, speak up, see what's on your mind. Like remember if you, if you have concerns, I just want to know what's going on.

That's all. That's all. So they go into the barn. Oh my God, look at that. It's a chair. That is great. She took my advice about having chairs. That was good.

I did that. I did that. Everyone. Someone take a picture of me in front of this chair. I was the one who said it. Okay. Hi, everyone. Hi, Leo and other person. Hey, will someone take a picture of me in front of this chair? I was the one who said it Okay, hi everyone, hi Leo another person So Jack's keep saying that the design stuff because like you're like working on the bones right now

So like do you have what's other like chicken bones? Are there like big bones? Like what sort of bones are we talking about here? Just just want to make an idea for a vision. So she's like, when do y'all realistically want me to like start helping out with stuff? And Leo's like, well, you're a girl and like probably lots of girls are going to come in here, you know, cause Vanderpump rules, et cetera. Scandal ball, am I right? That was pretty rough. Somebody cheated on somebody or so my wife tells me.

So anyway, you're a girl. You think about girls. I don't know. What are girls like? Go. Okay, just be quiet over there in that corner. And then she proceeds to give zero thoughts about anything. She's just like, okay, then I'm gonna give you some thoughts. And they're like, all right, toots.

All right. Okay, here they come. Okay, we're waiting. Okay, let's go sit over there, Jax. I talked about giving thoughts. Yeah, he's like, if you want, I'm about to look at some stain colors for the walls. Well, how would you wanna put a stain on the walls?

I wouldn't even bring my Tide pen. I've spent half my life getting out stains. Now you wanna put some on the restaurant? Come on. Golly, this LA design stuff is all upside down. Isn't that right, Jayayayax? And she's like, oh, well, that's awesome. You know what y'all should do?

You should have a chat and a group chat and y'all should put me in there too. That way I can start seeing stuff and saying stuff, bad stuff that I'm seeing. And he goes, yeah, I really wanna get you involved. Make everything better for everybody, right, Jax? Wink and he's like, yeah, better for me. Yeah, cause you know the old saying Jax, right? Happy wife, happy life.

Oh, count descending assholes. Of course these are Jax's business partners. They are so fucking perfect for each other. Exactly. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. 50 high school senior girls descend on Mobile, Alabama every summer to compete for a massive cash prize. It isn't Survivor.

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I mean, honestly, who knows? Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G-I-J-N-2, can't wait to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small, and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her.

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So then they like go sit outside and Jack's like, oh, and Brittany is like, well, I feel a lot better knowing that they were like ready for me to actually start doing stuff. Like I can already see the things like I'm going to do now. Like I was thinking like there could be like a beer cheese station over there on the right and then another beer cheese station on the left and then just like beer cheese on the walls. I don't know, just like thinking outside the box. A beer cheese. At one point he goes, God, it's so hard to be married. Jack's like, hey, Jack's just so openly hates her. It's it's so sad,

but it's also kind of hilarious because she just doesn't even she doesn't even notice. And here's the thing I've always thought about Brittany, she's so faking this personality. I mean, that's kind of obvious, right? This has made me think it's more genuine, but part of me just thinks those cameras turn off and she's like, you listen here, motherfucker. You made me look stupid out there. And I just think she's, she turns it on and off, you know? I hope. I mean, I hope that she does because otherwise this is just pathetic because he openly hates her. So she's like, well, I feel better now knowing that they're ready for me. And he's like, well, I mean I hope that she does, because otherwise this is just pathetic, because he openly hates her. So she's like, well, I'll feel better now

knowing that they're ready for me. And he's like, well, I just don't know what to say. I'm just like, I'm nervous, I'm new at this, it's just so hard, I don't wanna say too much, I don't wanna say too little. She's like, why are you so stressed? He's like, I am stressed, I just, I don't wanna manage this. Like, I'm a dad, you know, I have to manage raising a child

and raising a family and pay my mortgage and Starting a business. It's so hard. She's like, yeah, I'll get it. You know what you need I mean start feeling more attractive Jack's cuz you don't make me feel nothing Come on now. It's not the time dude Well, actually I think it is because he is doing this thing of like, Oh my God, I'm so stressed. I've got to do all these things. What do we, we've seen him go to a carnival. We've seen him swim in a pool. Like we see him go out to dinner. Like he is doing nothing right now. Okay. And then he's like, Oh, I'm so stressed right now. Oh, poor me. She's

like, she's heard it so many times. She doesn't even fall for it a little bit. She's immediately just like yeah You need to make me feel pretty Yeah, how about like, you know, give me a little romance, okay? I just want you to make me feel the butterflies again, okay, you know, or as I like to call them Cheetos with wings. Just let me just I feel it How does that feel? Might be feeling butterflies, Jax. And he's like, oh God, I mean, bills, there's just so many bills.

Like I'm in charge of bills, you're in charge of bills, and it's scary, you know? And we have a kid and you want more kids? And she's like, yeah, we're trying next month, right? We're gonna have another kid, maybe another one. We should get a minivan and just fill it up with kids. He's like, oh my God, I can't, we need like, we need alone time, like we need me and you time, you know?

Maybe we can have a trip, like to Vegas, I don't know, something like that. Like date nights, possibly with other people. You know what I mean? It's gonna be great. He's like, I just, I feel like I'm gonna start crying. But why though, why? He's like, I don't know, I'm just,

I'm overwhelmed, there's like so much going on. Well, that's all we got to help each other when we get stressed out and such, you know? Instead of like, I don't know, I'm just overwhelmed. There's like so much going on. Well, that's all we got to help each other when we get stressed out and such, you know? Instead of like fight with each other and getting annoyed with each other, we got to do better, stronger things and stuff. And like, they like, I don't know, we can go out to the ocean and poop on some stingrays again.

That was fun, right? I just can't wait to spend more alone time with you. Oh my God, we better go. Mamaw's almost here. She's landing on that for spirit airlines. So, um, now we are going directly to Jack's is launch party at Skybar for his hair thing. And so, um, people are showing up. Schwartz is there. He's got his, his, you know, he's revealing his bleach blonde hair and Zach is like, Oh my god, like Schwartz right now is giving midlife crisis time.

Like I had that crisis when I was 12 and I never did again. Like I don't know what color you call that. Maybe burnt carrot, maybe the color that made all my hair fall out in middle school made me have this wig for the rest of my life. I don't know what you call it, but that's what it is. Let me tell you this much. I literally can't, okay? Like literally a cat.

Like it's like the opposite of can day, cause I can't do it. You know what I mean? Like give me a jar of something and not a can of it, cause I can't do it. And then he proceeds to like gay bird. And I love when people gay bird. It's like my favorite gay move. More he just like crosses his arms and then like moves his finger around

and then makes a bird face and then goes up and down every time he looks at Schwartz. He's like, oh, oh. Yeah. It's big, his hands are like a windshield wiper. He's like, so funny. He's so funny to me. Yeah.

And then they're all like laughing cause they're all joking. Cause they all think that Jax, his hair actually is not, he doesn't have a bald spot is what they're all saying. And they're just like laughing that Jax is lying so he can get like a deal. Although I actually think that Jax does have a bald spot. I think that Jax is-

Yeah, I said at the first recap, I said one of the most beautiful feelings in the world is watching Jax Taylor go bald. It feels so good. Because other, first of all, bald people love, you know, other bald people, misery loves company, et cetera. That was a shout out to you, Rob.

And, you know, we love- It's on the bucket list. Yeah, Misery loves company, but also just because Jax, I know how much he bases his life on how much he can get laid. So just watching him go bald is, it just, it was heartwarming.

So the fact that he's found a way to profit off of it makes me jealous, I'm not gonna lie, because that's pretty good. So Kristen and Luke show up next, she's like well welcome to the Mondrian We used to get absolutely Slammered beer back in the day and by back in the day. I mean like literally just like yesterday So yeah, we're here Luke stop trying to fish in the pool. It's a swimming pool My boyfriend is trying to cut a hole

in this platform right here. He's really into fishing. He's ice fishing in the floor of the Skybar. So then Sherry shows up with Mamo. My Mamo has flown into town and I'm so excited. She's the life of the party wherever she goes. She's a cool guy. You're a cool party wherever she goes. She's a cool guy. You're a cool guy, Mamaw.

You're a cool guy. So Jax is giving a speech and he's like, just want to say thanks everybody for being here. You know, like, look, like a couple of months ago I was doing a photo shoot and I was like, oh my God, I'm going bald. Like, what the fuck, bro? So I went out into my garage and I got some black spray paint

and I sprayed it on my head so that was pretty much that now I'm making money off of this so fuck yeah thanks for fucking being here losers yeah yeah um maybe that's not the best story to launch your your fare I don't know like maybe you're I feel like this is not the greatest brand ambassador moment like it's the sort of story that it's a sort of brand ambassador story that only someone who would have spray painted their head would tell. Yes. Like, yeah, I injected, I objected my, my, my scalp with chemicals that have slowly poisoned me.

Were you working on your nose hairs too. Cause that's a paint and huffer if I've ever seen one. And Jack's just been like, yeah. You do know what happens to the 10 man wizard of Oz, right? Swann out, Jacks. I'm just surprised he didn't pull out a, hey everybody, you know, going balls sucks. But at the end of the day, at least I'm not fat.

Am I right? All right, let's get a drink. So now, oh, this is when everyone's like joking about Jack's actually having like a really good hair and that this is just all silly. And also, so then he's like, so everyone, long story short, I'm not using black spray paint anymore.

Thank you for being here. Have a drink and enjoy yourself 2024 2024 and please enjoy my product, Zion. So he's like, I don't know what it means, but I'm going for it. He's like, yeah, what the fuck is Zion? It could be Latin for I don't want to lose my fucking hair. That's what it means. And she's like, I think it means great hair.

Oh, yeah. I think it means great hair. You don't make me feel pretty. Please just try a little harder. A compliment my dress or something. Hey, say that joke was attractive. Something, come on, Danny. So, Jax is, Jax and Danny are discussing their sex lives and he's like, wow, Danny, I hear you're still having some sexy time, which I'm lacking in the department. And Danny is like 40 year old virgin. Am I right? That was,

that was a movie audition for, and I got the role of customer number three in that TV store that they worked in. Anyway, uh, you know what they said, if you don't use it, you'll lose it, am I right? Am I right? I guess you're not using your hair. Hey, high five, high five. He's like, yeah, from what I hear,

you might lose your penis because you're not using your penis. You understand that? Okay, that's what I'm talking about, your penis. And then we see more crowd scenes, people partying, and Jasmine is talking to Janet. Okay, because Janet knows that they've gone to lunch, right? So Janet's like,

so sit down and talk to me and tell me everything. She's like, oh yeah, I saw Jax. And you know, Jax is just so funny, isn't he? He's just so, oh, he is funny. Oh, he is Jax. So funny. So funny, Jax, God, hilarious. Just a funny person who I love spending time with

and just listening to the funny things he says and all his insights. I'm so glad we agree he's funny. Now tell me everything he said, fellow J-A name. And Jasmine's like, well, I just, you know, I don't feel comfortable repeating the whole conversation. I just feel out of respect for Jax, which is funny to use the term respect with Jax,

but out of respect to him, I just wanna give him that. I don't wanna say the whole thing. And Jasmine's basically like, yeah, you know, Jax is like messy in a way where he like tries to play it off like he's not being messy. Unlike me who is actually also messy and pretends like I'm not messy and then actually verbalizes that I'm not gonna be messy while simultaneously being messy

and encouraging someone to find out more of the mess from a different messy person. Yeah, and she's like, but Janet is also really messy. So now I'm trapped between messy and messy. And you see Janet, and Janet's not even trying to hide it. She's just like, okay then, on a scale of one to 10, how bad is it? Who is it about?

Who do they look like? Do they have brown hair? Do they have blonde hair? How old are they? 30, 40, between? Am I hot or cold? Right now. Jasmine's like, okay, well, what I will say

is on a scale of one to 10, it's a Rob Reiner. I mean, what I meant to say is, Jesse is gonna think it's a 10. So Jasmine's like, Jasmine, Jasmine's like, um, there's only one gossip queen in this table. And it's not me. It is Janet. Janet's like, um, whatever it is, like, look, if he just told you something serious about Michelle and Jesse, is that what it is? And she goes, No, I mean, he doesn't even know that it's true about Michelle and Jesse, which you already guess.

So I can nod. She's like, OK, well, then he should know how annoying it is to have bullshit rumors about your marriage out there, because he's constantly got bullshit rumors about his marriage. He's like fucking other people. Is that one of the rumors? Is that one of them? Come on. Come on. Well, what I am going to say, Janet, is that there's like some things where I'm like, okay Well, if you have this information, which I'm not gonna disclose to you But like if it theoretically was about cheating and perhaps on Michelle's side, which again, I won't say but like if you did have this information Like Michelle, Jessie Michelle, you need to talk to your friend

You need to go talk to your friend who's the one is being really messy about Spreading cheating rumors or whatever those rumors might be. And Janet's like, Oh yeah, well this whole threatening thing from Kristen. So basically you're saying that Jackson knows what it is. And she's like, I'm not really saying that because Kristen does lie a lot. Okay. So I don't know if what he's hearing is something from Kristen or if that's even what you're talking about right now. And she's like, but if it is information from Chris, I didn't say it was information from Kristin,

but you might as well have. So basically Michelle is cheating on Jesse with somebody and Kristin told you, so Kristin does it. Now Kristin is basically blackmailing Lally. She's like, I didn't say any of that. Luke, could you please get your ass over here? We have fishing in Los Angeles. It's happening right now.

This is like sports level. I know, this is some hardcore angler action happening right here. So Janet's like, can I ask Brittany? And Jasmine's like, let's not. So now there's like a little, I guess this is like an entrepreneur night at the Mondrian. Mondrian's doing some weird events

between like the singles night on Vanderpump Rules and now this like this expo for entrepreneurs, that's what I'm calling it, expo for entrepreneurs. Yeah, they're friends with the cast of these shows. Yeah, so there's like these other people that are trying to hawk their wares, not just Jacks. So there's this girl who's doing like a Burning Man pop-up

and her name is Gabby, of course. And she's like, basically, she's in kind of like a- Wow, you just slammed Gabby's all across the world. There are so many Gabby's in the world right now who are just like, what the fuck, bro? You know, I did and I don't know where it came from. Really, you just literally let Gabby's have it. I was almost gonna try to like find a way to be cutesy.

And I don't know, I don't have anything against people named Gabby, but. No, I love it. I wanna, I can't wait. I just feel like this girl was, when I saw that she had a Burning Man shop, but her name was Gabby, to me, cause here's the thing. If you're doing a Burning Man shop and it's like a sincere Burning Man shop,

you're not trying to sell shit at the Mondrian at Skybar. You're off in like, here on Melrose, or you're in Echo Park, or you're just in some random place. But if you're at the Mondrian, you're pretending to be a burner, but your name is Gabby. Like you're not, you're not. You're not gonna go to the playa and be like, my real name is Clydenestra Burnaysauce.

You're gonna be like, I'm Gabby, I heard about Burning Man. Oh my God, you guys Burning Man people? And she looks like Kate Hudson as Penny Lane, which is by the way, the second time I've brought her up this week, but she does look like her in that film. So anyway, she was like, yeah, it's like a Burning Man pop-up you guys. And the guy. So anyway, she's like, yeah, it's like a Burning Man pop-up, you guys. And the guy, of course, Jesse's like,

wow, what's this all about? What's Burning Man? Oh, oh, I love Burning Man. I know what that is. I'm young, I'm hip. So you ever try Ayahuasca? Hey, honey. And then Luke tries on like a feathered green cape

and he's like, wow, this is cool. This is like some, just give me some ass less chaps. And I'm like, good to go. You know, was that Luke or was it maybe it was Jesse who did that? I think it was Jesse who put it on. I'm not sure. So Gabby's like, are you guys going to go? Going to go to Burning Man?

I'm launching, I'm launching a product for guys. It's for guys losing their hair, you know, because I'm starting to lose my hair. That sucks, right? She goes, yeah, but you have a full head of hair. He's like, yeah, everyone keeps saying that. It's crazy. But I'm just starting to notice you know just a little and it's actually pretty glaring and you don't

see it because it's in the back of you you know what I mean it's why I don't have to worry that my ass is a pancake because I don't see it like I don't care right I it's like the same with my bald spot I know it's back there but I generally don't ever have to see it so I'm like oh I've got a I've got, I've got a brilliant head of hair right now. I found out I was losing my, when I was 19 and I was at a super cuts in Jupiter, Florida, working at that dinner theater. And the lady was like, Oh, we have products that we can sell you to help with your thinning hair. And I was like, my thinning hair, I'm not thinning hair. She goes, yeah. I mean, like really badly thinning in the back. Haven't you ever looked in the back? And I was like, no.

And I would appreciate it if you didn't talk to me like that. You know, and I still fucking hate Supercuts. I won't even go in there for a shave. I hate that place. Down with Supercuts, don't ever go there. This is the anti-ad for Supercuts. They'll just shame you. Yeah, you tell them.

I was just telling people about your time in Jupiter, Florida last night at the Passover Seder. In fact, I just want you to know. You were represented. You were represented at the Seder. My ears were burning and they were saying, Don't go saying darling, don't go saying. Well, cousin Melissa hosted the Passover Seder

and her husband Jay, his parents now live down there. And I was like, Oh, well, my co-host Ronnie used to work at the Jupiter Playhouse and like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, yeah, he has these great stories of Robert Groulet and Sally Kellerman. And immediately it was like, Oh yeah, Sally Kellerman. She was hilarious and back to school. I just loved, I was like that they, I love like when you can say Sally Kellerman to some people and you don't even have to give any context. They are ready with the Sally Kellerman reference. Hell yeah. Jupiter, Florida. Those are my people. So literally go to Jupiter and just walk around in a grocery

store and go, Oh my God, I love grapes. You know who loves grapes? Mitzi Gaynor. Oh my God. Love love grapes. You know who loves grapes? Mitzi Gaynor. They'll be, oh my God, Mitzi, love Mitzi Gaynor. So thank you to Donald and Susan for understanding the Sally Keller reference. So anyway, so Jax and Jesse are basically flirting with Gabby who is wearing a very skimpy outfit and they have boners that are like, you know, popping through their pants.

And Jessie's like, so Gabby, is this your Burning Man outfit? She goes, this is like my everyday life outfit. And Jessie's like, oh my God, oh my God. They're basically just like splooging. There's stains appearing on their pants at this point. They're definitely dads surrounding a pretty young girl who's just trying to get money from them, you know? But they're gross. It's like everybody's perv dad.

Commercials, here comes one right now. So, Jesse's, Gabby's like, yeah, well actually I'm not going to Burning Man, but I am hosting a mermaid fashion show here tomorrow. Of course you are. Yeah, I like that. Is that a fashion show for mermaids or a fashion show with mermaid fashion?

Mermaids is a whole thing now, did you know that? There's like a community of mermaids now that they're like, they have tails. They literally, it's like groups that get together and they're like, we're mermaids, they just like cosplay as mermaids. I mean, I think it's great, you know? I guess. I don't wanna do it.

Mermaid fashion show. You know what? Mermaid fashion show, you know who I hope, it seems like she's hoping to make a real splash. I know. Hi, that was a joke. That was a joke, it was a reference to a Ron Howard movie because we were talking about Rob Reiner also. Also I'm Padma Lakshmi and I'm arranging a stand-up

show. I want to be a comedian. Thank you to everyone who's been sending us links to that. I think we talked about that a few weeks ago, how Padma decided to set up a stand-up show, which I think is great. It's like, hi, what's the deal with Gail Simmons? Am I right? One day she's eating a cupcake the next day She has a farmer's tan. I've never seen someone actually get a farmer's tan from a boiled egg. Am I right everyone? I do ba-do ba-do ba-do. Gail's farmer tan farmer's tan is so embarrassing that farmers are calling it the Gail tan Am I right? Well, I thought Gail had a farmer's tan. It turns out she just had a lot of mayo

over different parts of her body. Created a contrast in skin tones. Some people think Gail has a farmer's tan, but what she really has is a farmer's cupboard because she literally goes to farmer's houses and eats everything in their cupboard. Am I right, guys? Am I right?

It's just like, the whole thing is just mean slams against Gale for no reason. It's just bad, I'm just. Did you mean to not laugh at my joke? Hello, hi. So my dear friend is Ally Wong, which means I'm also funny. So please laugh, thank you so much.

Okay, so mermaid fashion show, nobody is surprised. And Jesse so much. Okay, so, um, mermaid fashion show. Nobody is surprised. And Jessie's like, oh my God, we should try on some hats. Am I right, guys? Am I right? And Jax is like, yeah, yeah. Don't look at the girl. Just look at the hat. I'm not looking at the girl. I'm not looking at the girl.

So Jessie tells us contrary to what Michelle thinks, I can be a little charming every once in a while. And if I'm throwing out the charm, I'm throwing it out hard. I'm like, when are you gonna start this process of throwing out the charm? Because we don't see it. Yeah.

So they put on these cowboy hats, have all this fringe hanging down, and they're being funny, and they go back into Jax's area, and everyone's like, oh my God, this is funny. And their Jack's is like, oh my God, oh God, I want my wife to wear what Gabby's wearing. And Jessie's like, yeah, I want her to be my wife.

Just being pervy. Just pervy. So now, Danny, basically they're gonna go have dinner, right? Okay, so Michelle is seeing all this go down now. Well, first of all, we say hi to Mammaw. Brittany's like, go Mammaw, go Mammaw, cause she's dancing with Jesse, who's now horny again. Suddenly Jesse has a personality

cause he's like horny for a second. So he dirty dances with Mammaw, which is a sight. And it's not Mammaw's first time, I can tell you that much, okay. When Mammaw started doing like the windmills on that floor, I was like, wow, Mammaw's got some moves. Mammaw pulled a full Kyle Richards, did the split on that fucking floor

and started popping beer cheese out at people's heads. Mammaw. And then she just whirled her way over to the pool. Yeah. And then she got sprayed with some champagne, turned into a mermaid and you know, I liked when she did the Roger Rabbit. That was also a nice move of mamas. So they, by the way, so they're still wearing these outfits.

So they go back to Gabby to give them back and everything. And, and, and Matt and everything. And Gabby's like, oh my God, thank you. I was getting a little worried. I was like, some man just like whisked away in the night with all my merch. And Jessie's like, no, no, no. We just like to have a good time. And then she's like, yeah, so maybe tomorrow

you can come to my mermaid fashion show. He's like, maybe I will. Because I'm like a real like mermaid. Okay. And then all of a sudden Michelle shows up. She's like, what's going on here? Why are you talking to this liberal? And they're like, oh, this girl, she's a Burning Man girl.

She goes, yeah, I can see that. It's like, well, I mean, you know, like we're supposed to be like getting ready for Burning Man. She goes, are you going to Burning Man, Jesse? He's like, uh, no, just do you think we should go to dinner, Jesse? I think we should. It was so awkward. So now, um, the cast goes into this like conference room that they've turned into a so awkward. So now, um, the cast goes into this like conference room that they've turned into a dining

room. It looks like that's what it is, right? It's like the temporary office you use when you're staying there and they're like, we have an office space, you know? Yeah. It was like where Karen Huger had her press conference and season three of Potomac or whenever it was, had her press conference in season three of Potomac or whenever it was. It was just like this strange space that they did not succeed in making seem like an intimate dining space. So they all sit around this table and everything and Michelle's like,

Oh, I'm so cold. And once again, this is the second time it's happened where someone else offers Michelle a coat, but not Jesse. Jesse does not take off his blazer and put it on his wife's shoulders. So now Jesse, who has just been so over the moon flirting with this girl, is now morose and can't speak and is despondent, okay? So she's like, what is wrong with you?

You look very serious. And he's like, that's okay, I just look how I look. She's like, but it's so serious though. So now you're gonna be a victim. You literally were just flirting with a 20 year old and trying to get banged. And your wife got you. That's why he looks morose. And now you're gonna act like a fucking victim, of course. Yeah, he has the look of a kid who was just dragged out

of FAO Schwartz before he was ready to leave. And he was not happy. He was like, I was living a fantasy for a moment. I was pretending like I was young in Rhode Island. I could get someone like Abby and you ruined that, Michelle. You ruined my fantasy. Yeah, I mean, there was one girl totally out of my league who was at least pretending to like me.

And now I'm sitting with another girl who's totally out of my league, not pretending anymore. And it sucks. One is living in a fantasy, one's living in reality. It's not cool. So then he tells us, yeah, well, I haven't been feeling great all day because what nobody knows is that two hours before I left the Mondrian, I took out my headband

and I still have my dent, ugh. But I also had an hour session with Scott where I had this realization that my marriage was over. It happened like this. He said, honestly, your marriage is over. And I was like, ah, damn, he's right. I said, why am I talking to Barney? Barney's a fucking dinosaur.

And he said, I'm your doctor. The shrooms are just kicking in. It's gonna take a while to find your proper dose. So they all start to eat and Janet's making small talks with Jax and she's like she likes to win the bar opening. He's like, we're we're we're we're gonna wait to open but you know, we're now it's official. We're not gonna wait anymore because football I gotta have a place for football season. I gotta have a place you know, like I can't just watch football at home with Britney anymore.

Am I kidding? Like Britney gets up to get a cheeto and blocks the TV for the 10 minutes that she's trying to move around. You know what I'm not kidding. Right. Brittany gets up to get a cheeto on a blocks the TV for the 10 minutes that she's trying to move around. You know what I'm saying? Like who wants that? And he's like, Yeah, I gotta open up for I gotta gotta open it up. Yeah, but the problem is the bar is not totally done the way Brittany wants it. It's like, Oh, you're gonna blame your first of all, first of all, don't even start blaming Brittany

for for being behind schedule because on Bravo terms, you're actually the fastest business we've ever seen open up. I mean, the something about her sandwich shop, they, they're like, they are, I think they're taking their liquor license to the Supreme court or something because it is far from opening up. So Jack's is like, this is a fast operation. So don't even start complaining about it taking too long to open up. And then if you are gonna complain about it,

don't blame it on Brittany, who you haven't allowed to come near the place in the first place. Well, yeah, I thought it was weird that he was taking Brittany to the barn asking for her input. That was sus. That was weird.

And so the fact that he did that, I was like, there's a other reason he's doing this. Well, of course there is. So he could say, oh, Brittany's just so picky that we can't open up. He's gonna play with everything about Brittany. That sucker just falls into every trap he lays for her. Yeah.

So Danny's like, so everything's ready to go. Hey, I have a question. Do you take reservations before 2 p.m., like if I have a party of three? What I'm trying to say is three under two, three under two. It's like happy hour, but for babies. Drink from the under two. Talking about zombies, are zombies allowed?

Are zombies allowed? Zombies allowed. So Jasmine's like, well, Brittany is saying that's not a goal. And he's like, well, it's going to be opening. And Brittany's like, well, I mean, it's going to be open, but it won't be Jack says, yeah, it's going to still be whatever it is that's on the other side of the restaurant with that time. Then once it's officially done, we're going to change the sign over. And Jack's like, yeah, and that's okay. Because guess what? We have expenses to pay. All right.

And then it's like, so you're gonna do a soft opening while construction still going on. I said, no, I'm not gonna do what shorts and sandal did, okay. And sat on their fucking ass for months. No, I'm not gonna do that. So then, Brittany just starts doing shots of tequila. She's like, I've got a danger.

Brittany is just getting shit page that someone's like, does someone want tequila? She's like, heck yeah, you're the tequila's party. Oh, hold on, I just pooped. Jack's, I just pooped. Jack's like, you know what? She's not thinking big picture. She's thinking, I want this to be perfect. I don't think she understands

that we need to open those doors for the no ones of people to come in. So Brittany's like, oh man, he knows that I don't really think it's ready yet. And like, he knows how I feel about that. And just like shows that we're just like not on the same page at all. I love that Jax just does not care about advertising his business at all. He's like, yeah, I don't care about the food. You can literally we have nothing ready. It's a construction zone. Who cares? I'm broke. Yeah. He's like, let's get this going. I want to watch football and I want to watch it for free. So then Michelle turns to Jesse and she says, you're very quiet,

says like the lady who talks like an ATM. And Jesse is like, he's like, I have nothing to say. And then Jason's like, oh, hey, Jesse, how are you doing, man, man, man, man, man. You gotta turn off your Android, Jason. I swear to God, don't have the time for it tonight. So Jackson's like, what's wrong with your husband? And she's like, I don't know.

And Brittany's like, did Kayla buy me? And then Michelle's like, yeah, I mean, Jesse, everybody's asking what's wrong with your husband? And she's like, I don't know. And Brittany's like, did Kayla bite me? And then Michelle's like, yeah, I mean, Jesse, everybody's asking what's wrong with you. Like, wake up. And he's like, what is wrong with me? Just, nobody knows this, Jesse, you're as quiet. And he's like, well, why don't you propose something that actually will keep me awake?

And then he bangs the table and they're like, whoa, whoa, Jesse, whoa. Chris is like, how rude are you? We're at Jax's balding dinner. Well, everyone just said I'm not interesting. And Jax's like, but we were having a great time downstairs. We were trying on outfits. We were, you know, flirting with a really hot girl.

Hold on one second. I'm just going to go to the corner, rub one out. And then Chris is like, whoa, there is drama, Jesse. Drama, Jesse. So then he slams his palm on the table he goes here we go again baby Chris like oh whoa I'm ready to go I want to go just like you have something to say she's like no I'm not doing this again I'm not doing the whole thing where you slam a table that is abusive that is abusive behavior I will not do it it's not cute cute. You're a father your husband

you're a grown-ass old man and She's going like how about like how gross he is and he's like, okay everybody let's calm down So I don't know what we're always at dinner tables where no one can hear a damn thing because of him because of him And Lucas like when you're on a table with that because of him. And then Luke is like, when you're on a table with that, listen, when you're in a table with that many people, there's five conversations going on. And Michelle's like, you know what?

He's being so disrespectful, just so disgusting. He's such a fucking douche. His own wife calls him a douche. Can you imagine if I called you a douchebag? Is that Michelle who said that? No. I think that was Kristen who said that. Yeah, Kristen. And she's like, yeah, I've never called you a douchebag? Is that Michelle who said that? No. I think that was Kristin who said that. Yeah, Kristin.

And she's like, y'all have never called you a douchebag, Luke. And he's like, well, I'm just saying it's the truth. She's not wrong about it. She goes, are you joking? And he goes, no, he goes, well, you've called me a douchebag. And she goes, no, I haven't. And he goes, yeah, you have, it's the truth.

I'm just saying. So now they're starting to fight. Are you joking right now? And he's like, no, it's something you say. She's like, all right, yeah, you have, it's the truth, I'm just saying. So now they're starting to fight. Are you joking right now? And he's like, no, it's something you say. She's like, all right, okay, so I guess I'm the only fucking sober one, that's me. And I can feel how drunk you are, because I'm an empath, so you know what, I can't do it.

And so she's getting all pissed. Well, she's getting herself so worked up, so she has an excuse to drop this secret, right? Because she knows, she can't just walk into this dinner where Jesse is completely, no energy, he's not being evil at this dinner at all. He's not speaking. So she's like, oh my God, my great plans

to have this dinner reveal aren't working. So she is getting herself all worked up over nothing. And it's so funny because then you hear the producer like, Kristin, just fucking do it. It's like, I won't ruin a family by talking about Michelle cheating on Jesse. I won't do it, I just couldn't do it. I like also, Kristen's like, ooh, I would like to politely excuse myself to go home.

Which she does like not really very politely. And then she sort of leaves, and she's like, I don't want to go, I don't, there's too much aggression. So yes, now the producer is like. Well, first she goes, he's abusive. And then like Jasmine's like, oh my God, there's Kristen's bingo card, you know,

because Kristen's always looking for some word to describe something that's just horrible. And then we get Kristen's bingo card up on the screen. Abusive, ding, ding, ding. Does the Republican. Yeahusive, ding ding ding. Does the public end. Yeah, sings in shower. Likes country, drives angry, not an empath. Love Trump, DJs at Sir, drives a Tesla.

Loving husband, smelly, free space, wishes he was Jax. So stupid and so funny. So fun, that was a good graphic. Whoever did that on post-production, good job. So, um, so then she's like, I don't wanna be rude, I'm gonna be able to politely excuse myself. So Jesse's like, Kristen, you're not one

to say anything about rude, okay? I said, just calm down. No, I am going to completely excuse myself and therefore I will excuse myself right now in about two minutes before I when I stop saying I'm gonna excuse myself. Okay, I shall cross on I have a question. He was like, Danny, put your hand down, Danny, put your hand down. But then he nullifies her, or mollifies her the best way he knows how, that he hits his hand up and he's just, Danny, stop it, stop it.

He just kisses her on the mouth. So now it's bedlam in here and everybody is kind of going crazy. And so Jesse's like, hey, anybody ever been to Burning Man? And you want to go? Brayden is like, I'll go drive tequila there. And Jasmine's like, I'll go. It's got to be better than this. And he goes, it seems salty like my nuts.

Jesse, just stop. Just stop. And Danny's like, Oh, my God, Jesse. And he's like, I'm trying to change the subject for all you fucking morons, just stop. And Danny's like, oh my God, Jesse. And he's like, I'm trying to change the subject for all you fucking morons. Just stop, I know, stop talking, Jesse. So now they're all fighting and trying to make light. They don't even know what they're fighting about.

Like no one even knows. They're just like, we're on a show, let's fight. And so it's Bedlam in there and it's hilarious. And Zach's still over there going, crystal. Jasmine's like, someone talk about the bald investor because that shit was funny. And Jackson's like, no, I'm over it now. So now Jesse gets up to leave the table and Michelle's like, don't leave me. But he does. So out in the hallway, the producer's like, come on, Kristen. She's like, don't say come on. He's acting like a psycho. And he's banging his hands on the table. This is turning into trash.

I will not be part of trash. I'm an artist. I know. And then Jax is like, everyone be quiet so we can listen to what's going on in the hallway. So Kristen's like, you know, he's a really horrific human, but I don't want, I don't want out there a whole fucking marriage.

And everyone and everything I know about it, I won't do it, I won't do it. Even though, and yes, I'm aware I't do it even though and yes, I'm aware I'm wearing a microphone and yes, I'm aware you're recording this But I absolutely will not say anything that could be on this hot mic right now So Jesse comes at me. He's like you bring out my skeletons that I don't know about my wife I will fucking bury you And she's like Michelle cuz now Michelle's there, Kristen, what is going on out here?

She's like, I would never, never, I told you you're safe with me little, little tiny little Mary Posa. You are safe with mama. Come to me. I will always protect you from your own deep dark secrets here on camera. You, Michelle, I will never, ever betray you. You're my sweet little princess bride directed by Rob Reiner. So, Kristen's like, so Jesse's like, oh yeah, you would, you would do that because you're irrelevant. You're so fucking irrelevant. You're gonna walk away right now. So now Luke hears this. He's like,

what? Someone's talking mean about my future wife who doesn't like fishing. So he gets up and he goes out in the hallway and he's all aggro and starts pointing his finger. He's like, yo man, you stay away from my wife, you stay away from her, you stay away from Kristen. And so Michelle's like, don't you touch my husband. You are not gonna touch my husband. Which is nice, like she's sticking up for her husband. This whole thing is so weird.

So now Jesse's like being all short guy aggro, like what are you gonna do? And then Kristen's like, do you know what he just said to me, Michelle? Do you know? Are you gonna protect me the way I protect you or I'm not supposed to protect you? She's like, shut the fuck up, Christian,

with this protecting me. And she's like, fine, I'll stop protecting you. Are you saying you want me to stop protecting you? She's like, stop blackmailing me. It's like, I will not protect you anymore. I will not protect Michelle anymore. I won't do it. I protect my friends.

I protect the people that are important to me. And Michelle is important to me. And Michelle's like protecting me of what? I am fucking tired of this shit. And Michelle's like, Kristin might say that she's protecting me, but I feel like she is threatening me. And she's like, do you know what you have done to my marriage and my life and my daughter?

Listen here, I will not take any more from you, meathead. She's like, oh, I will not keep your secrets. So then the producer's like, so Michelle, what are these secrets? And she's like, what can I say? I no longer understand a thing about Kristen. And Jessie's screaming, my family, my family. They're so dramatic about this secret that everybody knows what it is.

Everybody knows what's coming out. And Kristen's insisting she's not going to do it, which we know she's going to do it by the time this episode is done. Right? So just do it already. And by the way, Michelle, when the producer asks Michelle about the secrets, Michelle can't, you can see her, she's like, um, she takes a long pause and like puts like a phone behind a pillow or something like that.

She takes a very, very long time. She's like, come up with an answer quickly before they realize that you're stalling. Say it quickly. Oh, what can I say? I no longer understand Kristen. There, showed them that I wasn't stalling while I came up with an excuse. I'm like, it took you five minutes to say that.

We all watched you. We watched your eyes say, oh shit, I have to come up with something now. Yeah, so it's still crazy pandemonium in the hallway and everyone's acting like they're walking off but no one's walking off. They keep walking off and then walking right back at each other.

And so Kristen's like, Michelle, you don't know what, you don't know what he's saying about you behind your back. And Jesse's like, excuse me. So then he charges her and then Michelle's like, what's he saying? Kristen's like, he's saying that he's gonna divorce you within two months. And Jesse's like, I never said it.

So now Jax realizes he's about to be in trouble. So he walks out and hears that and then like turns right back around. He's like, bye, see ya. But then also because it's Kristen fighting, she gets it all wrong, which is that Jesse had told Jax that he thinks in two months Michelle's gonna leave him. But of course, Kristen, what Kristen blurts out is,

Jess is gonna leave you in two months which is a very different thing by the way and so now it's just like things are being said wrong there's chaos Michelle's boob is out by the way it's just like a little like pixelation going on down there so Michelle's like who said that my husband said that and just like yeah who said that you're fucking lie that. And Jesse's like, yeah, who said that? You're fucking lying, lying, cheating, C word, okay? You cut fitness, you better get her in check right now, Luke, because I swear to God, Luke's like, or what, or what?

You're gonna lay your hands on her? Well guess what? I've got a fishing rod. Damn it, I don't have a fishing rod. Just gonna beat him over the head with it. And Brittany and Zach come out, and Brittany's just like, anybody wanna make me feel pretty?

That would be nice, that would be nice. And Zach's just like, stop, stop, stop. He's doing his full hand extension again. So Jesse starts to walk away again and Luke is still shouting at him and Luke's like, your problem are with your wife. You talk to your wife. And then Michelle's like, what? And so then Jesse starts charging him like he's gonna beat him up. And then Zach is trying to hold him back. And then he grabs Zach by the throat and just pushes him out of the way.

I mean, by the way, that wig glue, so strong, very impressive. And so Jesse is like, he's like, what did you fucking say to me? what did you fucking say to me? What did you fucking say to me? It's an in the security guards sort of jumps in or like a producer or something like that and British like Memaw comes in with like a with an axe. She's like, alright you motherfuckers everyone get in line Otherwise, we're gonna start losing some heads around here.

So then the producers are holding Luke back now because he's in like red face fury, you know, which is like his red face happened. He's just a red faced person in general looking for a fishing pole really. So he's like, I didn't do nothing. All I wanna do is fish. And then Kristen passes by restrained Jesse

because he's being held back. Everybody's being held back. Everybody's like swinging and so much like, we are going to have, I'm going to talk now. Everybody go back inside. She's like, Zach, are you okay? Michelle, are you okay? Bernie, are you okay? She's like, I want to go back inside. And Lucas like, I'm not going to draw. Listen, Hey, I'm not gonna draw listen Hey, I'm not gonna punch anybody, but I but I'll say the fucking truth I don't care the truth about their fucking relationship and here's some more truth There's not a goddamn fishing hole in this entire city. So Kristen's like this totally sucks I still being a good friend to Michelle and I'm still holding all of our secrets for the next 30 seconds

I am a great friend. And what's so funny is Michelle goes, okay, everybody go in there. We are gonna have a talk. I'm gonna talk now. So it sounds like Michelle's gonna go in there and be like, here's the gossip. I've been fucking around on Jesse's a loser

and I'm leaving him, right? That's what it sounds like to everybody watching the show. So Kristen, who had no intention of dropping this, here's that she's gonna do probably do that and tries to beat her to the punch. So then Kristen goes to the elevator and she's like, oh really? Look at me protecting secrets. Well, now I won't protect it. She's been cheating on her fucking husband for a year. Yeah, she had a fucking boyfriend.. We all said it now. She's protect now She's protecting him and not me and so she tells us about a year ago Michelle and Jesse were very unhappy and Michelle had a guy she was seeing him

Well, she was really seeing his movies and they were hanging out and I was not against any of this because I knew Jesse was a piece of shit So now Michelle's like, everyone sit down. And then Kristen's like pretending to be just so upset as she leaves. She's like, I didn't sign up for this all over again, just to go through the same thing all over again. Michelle stole a jacket from James Kennedy

and then robbed a rich person. There, I said it, I said it. It's like Kristen just going through the same patterns. She's like, I'd rather be on Vander pump rules. Yeah, we know to be continued. Wow. What a funny and amazing episode. It was so good. I was cracking up and the way that this fight just bubbled over. I'm really excited to see what Michelle says to the group. Probably nothing, nothing of use. But-

Just gonna be like, now is the time to refinance your home. Your social security number has been compromised. All right, everybody. Well, we apologize to Rob Reiner, who really got the short end of the stick here today. But everyone else, great times, super fun show. Thanks for being here with us and be back tomorrow with Summerhausen, okay?

If you wanna watch this on video, do it. Go to Patreon. It's also our Vanderpump Villa bonus episodes and where you get ticket links for LA next week and followed by London, Dublin and Birmingham the following few weeks. We love you guys. We'll talk to you next time, okay?

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