Watch What Crappens - #2408 Below Deck: Under the Influencer

Episode Date: April 30, 2024

There’s a new chef this week on Below Deck (S11E13), and he’s just in time to be photographed for a lot of mid Influencers. Lucky guy! Also, Barbie cries about her bone-headed decisions to bone on TV, and Fraser wants to make his own boner head decision with a flirty guest. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. What happens when there's so much that happens? Well hello and welcome to What What Crappens? The podcast for all that crap we love to talk about on Ye Olde Braves. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

Hi, how are you? Good. Welcome to your show, Ben. Everybody welcome. We're so excited to be here. It's another below deck day and we've got a new crazy person on board. So that's always fun. We are going to be at the Netflix is a joke comedy festival this Friday night at the Kookaburra lounge. So come see us 9.30.

We're doing a house hunters recap. So it's gonna be super fun. Join us for that. It's about nudists, we think. We think that's what we're doing. And then we're going to London, Dublin, and Birmingham. And that's going to be towards the end of May. So come see those shows. We're so excited to come see everybody out there, okay? You can get tickets at WatchWhatCrap is.com. It's also where you get these videos.

You get our bonus episodes at Vanderpump Villa. And lots of other stuff, so go check that out. And today, here we are with Below Deck, okay? Okay, okay. Below Deck, more fun. I can't believe that Below Deck Med is coming up around the corner, especially because, I mean, we all have to assume, right? Did we already talk about this?

We all have to assume that this is Gary King's fault, that we are not getting Below Deck sailing next. I just have to assume that they? Do we already talk about this? We all have to assume that this is Gary King's fault that we are not getting blowdeck sailing next. I just have to assume that they probably had to reshoot the whole season because, you know, he got in trouble for being a lecherous disgusting human. Yeah. Straight up sexual assault. so fuck that guy. Also, by the way, this is just reminding me, fuck Ben on this show, fuck him left, right, and center. Okay, and I don't mean that literally, because literally don't even wanna touch him

with a 10 foot pole, but this guy, what, you know, here's the thing. He's just as bad as Gary, if you ask me. He's just as bad as Gary if you ask me. He's just as bad. Gary is like, it's weird because Gary is both grosser because he's like, which is like gross, but at least Gary also has like, like in his, when he is off the clock, as in off the, the lecherous clock, he can be like charming to people, but Ben can't even be charming. It's just like, like there's just no upside

with this person. I don't know, that may sound, that may be problematic to say that. Gary is also more professional on deck, if that makes any sense. Like his stuff takes place like in the after hours where he's mostly the pig. When he's on deck, he's actually kind of professional.

He's not massaging people, you know what I mean? Is he? I don't think he is. Well, actually he does. Does he? A little bit. But I do agree. But maybe it's because I've had a break from Gary.

I mean, obviously Gary's actions ultimately were more disgusting. Ben hasn't done the stuff that Gary has accused of yet, yet. But yeah, I don't remember Gary ever coming up and massaging people behind it seems like he acts one way at night and then the next day is like, what we're professional is about icon sales. Yeah. And, you know, I just think that like Ben probably gets away with it a little bit more because he's not

as like outwardly presenting of a slime ball as Gary is. But let's just, I just want to say to people, Ben is terrible, absolutely terrible. And he was awful this episode. He was the worst. Yeah, he was the worst. And oh, but I would like to thank this episode for reminding everyone, including Ben,

that in actuality, he's a pathetic fucking loser. And it was really fun to see him get put in his place today. And for that, I never thought I'd say this. Thank you, Camille. Thank you. Great work today. Something Camille doesn't hear often on boats, great work. You did great work.

Well done, darling. All right, well, let's dive into it, shall we? Yes, so. All right. Well, let's dive into it, shall we? Yes. So let's see. Something we need to apologize for. We missed Kyle's dick shot last week. I can't believe there are two of us on this show and both of us missed the big donkey dick on Kyle.

Oh, sorry. The show did, apparently. How did we miss that? I don't know. I guess we were excited by other things happening on the boat like garbage collecting and sweeping and whatever else happens in the world of below deck. Yeah, well I'm looking at it now and I still don't see. There should be, I should be able to search right now below deck Kyle's dick shot, and something come up.

But nothing comes up? Like, come on, internet, really? Who do I complain to? I actually know it, I did see that shot. I do remember that shot, he had like a full-on boner. We just forgot to mention it on the show. I think it was like during the infrared, and he was like walking, and it was like.

Yeah, he was going to the bathroom. Yeah. Well, I did not see it and I just, I would like to think I have better observation skills when it comes to deal hook, but apparently I don't. So bad, anyway, sorry audience, we should have talked about it. Okay, but now.

I'm just adding to the list of apologies. Now, Kyle is on top of Barbie giggling in bed because right now is the good times guys. Let's never forget these good times. Remember when Barbie didn't regret anything and everything was just happy? When she forgot about her dreams of converting to orthodox and decided to just let her freak flag fly

on a boat in Grenada. She was like, yeah, we can't talk about sex. I wanna be a motherfucking conservative Jew, goddammit. It's just like, no conservative is not nearly as, as it's not this orthodox is even more orthodox is, is orthodox is like the orthodox is hardcore. Conservative is right in the middle. Yeah. Well, I said, I think I said, like you can be orthodox and not Hasidic, but if you're Hasidic, you're orthodox, I believe. But either way,

Orthodox are not Hasidic, but if you're Hasidic, you're Orthodox, I believe. But either way, she is fully, she's planning on going, she's ready to get into the shuttle, but then before she does that though, she's like, you know what? I wanna boink Kyle. And you know what, more power to you. Yeah.

And on Passover. Is it one of those things you just do, like some religions do, they just send you out into the world. What's that religion that sends you out into the world and they're just like, do drugs and fuck and sin for one year. Amish. Rumspringa.

I mean, if you choose sin, you never come back. Or you can choose, you know, farming and beards and goats or whatever the hell's going on or in silence or whatever they do. Those are the Amish people. And they send their youth on Rum Shpringa. This is all, of course, what I learned watching the UPN reality show Rum Shpringa

from the Mid-Aughts, which was, by the way, a great, great show. And they should reboot that. I mean, that was back in the, sort of the experimental days of reality TV when, when Craven executives were like, why don't we put a bunch of Amish people on TV? They won't have any idea what's happening. Like, yeah, let's do it.

Put it on UPN. God, exploitation's delicious. Love you, America. So, um, they're like in bed kissing and stuff and she's like, Oh my God, my dad is going to kill me. He's like, no, he's not. You're 28 fucking years old. You silly girl. She's like, Shalom. I mean, do I get a Shalom? Very conservative, very, very fucking conservative, super religious. So Barbie's like, she's like, cause he's like, Oh, I don't feel well. She's like, she's like, cause he's like, oh, I don't feel well.

She's like, do you really want to vomit right now? He's like, nah, there's no chef here, so we're not eating. So she's like, oh yeah, new chef this morning, exciting. Cause Anthony was fired by the way, for anyone who missed last week's episode. He had to, he got the boot because he was failing miserably and he messed up some late

night lobster grilled cheese. And that was, you know, the fatal mistake that he made. So then we cut to the captain doing one of my favorite captain things they do on the show where they're like, look, the captain makes the loudest Keurig out of everybody on the boat cause he's the captain. So he puts his coffee in and then it goes, everybody on the boat, because he's the captain. So he puts his coffee in and then he goes, maaaah!

Some people call this a Keurig, some people call it Adventure. Ha ha ha ha ha. Whooooooo! So, Barbie's like, I want to eat some of your watermelon, but not like that, because he's like eating the watermelon. He has just like a wedge of watermelon and he's just eating it in the standard way

that people eat wedges of watermelon, which is you hold it. You literally eat it with your hands, you hold it. What the fuck, Barbie? Like I get that you're pretending, your cosplaying is like some little rich girl. Rich people eat watermelon with their hands too. I've seen that happen.

She is acting like he's Darryl Hannah in Splash eating a lobster through the shell. No, it's a normal watermelon procedure. She's like, so this is how we eat watermelon now? Now she's looking for ways to be like, oh my God, this was a total mistake. Like she's trying to create separation. So Kyle's like, I've been waiting a long time,

and all time she's been in the driving seat, and I've been the passenger chasing around like a lost puppy, right? I'm like, you're in the passenger seat chasing her? I hate to break it to you, but if you're in the passenger seat in the same car as her, I think you've actually caught up to her. You're in her car.

And he's like, not saying I always get what I want, but I'm pretty adamant, pretty persistent. They're just putting as many R's in his words as they can to make me twitch. I know, it's like, sir, could you stop spitting watermelon seeds at my face while you speak? So he says what we're all thinking, watermelon needs to be eaten with your hands.

And she's like, gross, you are so poor right now. And so Fraser comes down and he's like, oh, did you two have a sleepover? Did you make sweet, sweet love? Yes or no? Yes or no? And she's like, no, he didn't have sex. And Fraser is like, did you touch his wiener? She's like, no, stop it. And Sandy goes, well, we like working and it's called a hand job for a reason because it's work. Ha ha. I thought ha, I thought that Zandy said, well, Barbie hates working and a hand job as a job or something like that. So she didn't want to do it. That actually is funnier.

I hope that is what she said. Somewhere in the middle lies the truth, but we are too lazy to go back and see what it is. I'm too lazy to even go see a big fat dick that was on my TV. What did you expect me to go fact check this? We live in a moment. I didn't even rewind for dick. So Sonny comes in and then Dylan kisses his mattress and he's like,

he's like, so mattress, are you saying that you're available right now? I'm just asking. He's just doing that Shakespearean monologue type thing alone in his room where he's like, oh, a mattress. Why would I do such a thing? I know better than to do such a thing to her. I'm too hot for this.

I'm too thin for this now. Am I not, mattress? Like, all right, darling. Did I really try to kiss Sunny last night? He has like a lot of regret about trying to kiss Sunny, but I think it's only because he's like, I knew I, how could I even try to kiss Sunny last night. He has like a lot of regret about trying to kiss Sunny, but I think it's only because he's like, I knew I, how could I even try to kiss him without wiping off that caloric lipstick first?

I should have put her under the sink and then tried to kiss her. Lord only knows how fat I would be if I tasted that lip gloss. It smelled like tangerines, a fruity, a sugary, sugary fruit. So yeah, his thing about trying to make out with Sonny was pretty ox.

I'm assuming it was trying to get revenge on Ben. But also, it could have just been that like, you'll fuck Ben. Surely I have a chance. Right. You kiss Ben. So I guess that just means you're up for grabs. Either way, pretty gross. Yeah, because he's still in. Yeah. So then Ben Ben joins the crew mess and he's like, so Bobby in Monaco and we had someone opening and closing doors very quickly. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. And she's like,

stop it. Stop stop stop plaguing me. My dad hates drawers. Don't talk about drawers. We never had to deal with drawers growing up. My dad insisted that my nannies do it. Yeah, I was 23 before I even learned what a drawer was. I always thought it was like the person you hired to draw things for you.

And then when I was like living on my own, I discovered there were these like things, these boxes that were in a bigger box and turns out they're called drawers Now Dylan and Ben are outside working until he goes, you know what you should do you should slap me bro he's like no, okay, then don't slap me he just walks off and Ben's like glad I didn't make him lead Don't own Time for a stew meeting. All right, everyone, I want everyone working

on beds this morning, assuming you haven't already been porked on one. Is that American slang saying you porked on something? I was referencing you, Barbie. Anyway. Let's not work on beds as hard as Barbie worked on her bed with Kyle last night. If you need some help with something,

ask your teammates, except for Barbie, because she's busy on a different job. As Zandy already inferred, blowjob, handjob, whatever job you want to say. Remember, we're the strongest and we're the best and we're the cutest. I love you all. Now get back to having sex with Kyle. That was Barbie directed specifically. So then we get a rap song for the chef. Yeah, what was like this? It's like, I'm the best and there's no testing this.

Keep it 100, I was bred for this. And then he's approaching it. I love a rap song for like a super white bread blonde guy coming tight capri pants coming up the walk. He literally, he looks like, just like a white tombstone. And so he- I come from the street and now they call me King. And he's like, hello.

Hello, I've been fucking for 20 years. So, like yeah. I'm in charge of pasty. I'm sorry, I meant pastries as well. Pasty could work. He literally looks like Barney Rubble. Like it's not one of those things. He does, that's what I said.

I said he's a Barney Rubble with Fred Flintstone energy. Oh yeah, I see that. Like he's got a Fred Flintstone complex, but he looks like Barney Rubble. I wasn't even taking that from you, Ronnie. Like I, it's like, and the thing is this, I'm sure we're not the only two who probably thought that because it's just, sometimes we say that,

oh, this person's like a Barneyney rebel because they have like the essence of Barney rebel or they did there's some element but this guy literally looks like Barney rebel the ears the face the hair the shape everything. Yeah truly so he's like hello I'm Nick I wear tight short jeans and man bangs and or man I don't know what I said man bags oh because Oh, because he has a man bag, and man bags. And Ben's like, have you been yawning for a while? And he's like, I've been a chef for 20 years, I think I lost my mind a long time ago.

Fred, maybe I talk to myself and I have a few dicks. And I go a little crazy sometimes, but I'm harmless crazy. I'm not gonna murder anyone. And he starts chugging a Red Bull, which, as we all know, is the sign of a fucking crazy person. They've never shown a not crazy person chugging a Red Bull on TV. Yeah.

Fraser sees Sonny, who's already met the chef, and he goes, first impressions. And she goes, old, older. He's like, how old? Like hot daddy or sad daddy? She's like, I don't know So then Nick is says I'm told you say that old some old person Listen said this before and I'm gonna say it a million more times

I can't wait to follow you on Instagram so I can watch you slowly age of the rest of your life now That's the good news. The good news is I get to watch shitheads age. The bad news is I'm always gonna be older than you. And this turned out to be way more depressing than it should have been. Ben, continue. Well Nick is 40. He's the ripe old age of 40,

so his life is essentially over. He's almost 41. Girl, and I'm single chinned. 40 my asshole. You are not 40 years old, sir, okay? Yeah. 45 if you're a day. Yeah.

Yeah, let's be honest. So he says, he's like, yachting is something that keeps me youthful. No ex-wife and no kids. It's why I look so youthful. I, she, was he, did casting know what they were doing they hired a guy who has no child like in Fort Lauderdale what? Exactly, are you sure you're not just ignoring your child? Tampa

Have you checked any databases to find out if you have a child somewhere in Alaska, Fort Lauderdale? 23 and me. Potentially the Philippines. Just wanna know. Just wanna know. Those are the hot spots. Those are the below deck hot spots for children. Check it out, buddy.

So the cap's like, good day, mate. Good to have you. Last Chef was amazing. Couldn't read a preference sheet. Don't mess up your timing. I'm not here to teach you how to cook. I'm here to lead adventures. Meet your interior, have a good time, do not fuck up, please worry about plating and not me. Alright, I'm gonna tell you some hilarious stories later so prepare

for that. In the meantime, kitchen adventure. Get out, get out, walk. Get out of my face. And one last thing, EU sans la, which, which of course, as we all know, means good luck in Turkish. So, It's also an electronic form of coleslaw. At least that's what Anthony said on his way out of here. All right? I tried to eat it, didn't work.

All right, so no electronic coleslaw, right? No Yi Slor in these holes. All right, get to work. That was my charm. I'm all spent out. By the way, real quickly, Kyrigy Nasyil, Kelystris Tyriasagin,

Iny Bilyor Musin. I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget I'm not speaking English. I meant to ask, do you know how to work the Kyrigy? She's wondering. It's a question for my girlfriend in Turkey. I'm just wondering. It's a question for my girlfriend in Turkey.

Okay, so then Ben wanders into the mess hall and he's a very bad actor. So he's like, hmm, I think I'm gonna look at my telephone. So he looks at it. And there's a camera just hovering over it to get the closeup of the shot. He's like, oh gosh, Camille, acting like he can't believe that Camille is on his phone, even though he just posted something while he's on deck,

like, anyone have questions for me? Q and A on Instagram. Yeah, and then he's down there in the crew mess acting like he's in a sixth grade production of Hamlet, like swooning up against the rafter going, oh, Camille. I mean, it was so over the top. And truly. And so he's posting, he starts posting all this content on his story about Camille and he posts a picture of him and Camille. And you know.

Like a lovey picture. She's hugging him from behind. Yeah, like remember the days. It's like a happy couple. Because one of the questions on the Q&A is where are you and Camille now? Are you just friends? And so he says, you'll find out in due time

being coy while posting pictures like they're in love. Yeah. So Ben tells us, you know, being back on board is taking a stroll down memory line. I mean, Camille and I had a spark and we were kids in love, I'd say. I'm like, but you've been on this boat for like six weeks and now you're suddenly getting nostalgic for Camille. Come on. weeks and now you're suddenly getting nostalgic for Camille? Come on. I know it's very, but this is what I believe I was thinking when they first got together in the first place. This is the first time Ben has ever been fuckable because he's a guy on a TV show and I think that everybody feels like they have to be fucking on a TV show. So especially on Below Deck, if you're on this show you're probably you have the best chance of getting laid than you do in the rest of your life, for sure.

So I think this is all new to Ben, like people pretending that he's hot. Yeah. Because they're on a TV show. Because he seems very still infatuated that he could ever land that hottie. Because Kimmy's an asshole, but she's a hot asshole. Right. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial.

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Don't count yourself out. But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G-I-J-N-2, can't wait to see you. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small, and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day.

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Where we unpack why we get so invested in these feuds So, Ben tells us, I've just been really thinking about her recently and maybe there's a part of me that thinks that we were great together. Oh man, see what women have done to me? Women have done literally nothing to you. Look at the reign of terror that you've had on women instead. Ugh, he's so gross. And so one of the questions is what's your favorite snack on charter? And then he writes, her, and then he puts a pick of Camille in a bikini. He's so gross. And you know that Sonny's watching this. He's such an asshole. I was shocked.

I hate this guy. It's not even fun. Can you believe it? He is like, he's basically sleeping with his underling and then they have a conversation and it's like, well, we're not something, but by the way, I'm watching a barge in the river. So I'm still in New York and there's literally

a barge going by and I feel like it's somehow like a metaphor for something happening right now as we're talking about boats. Ben, fucking trash barge. Yeah, like literally like trash barge. This is Ben's trash barge going by. It's called the, oh God, the barge is called the diligent. The diligent hold, holding. Diligent holdings. I think that's just the company, nevermind.

Diligent holdings, that's something that does not describe Ben. But anyway, he's sitting here, he just had this conversation with Sonny and he says, well, we're working on being an item. We're gonna see. He turns suddenly their situation into like a test run. And at the end of the season, he's gonna decide if they're an item moving forward. Like this is like American Idol auditions, which is already so insulting.

But he knows enough that they've had a conversation that they maybe are something. And while you are maybe something, you're then going to actively post on Instagram photos of your ex and talk about how she's a snack and how like, you never know what's going on between us. It is like so massively disrespectful. It's just a slight, I just wanna bomb it on this face.

It's so sad. It's like, he's like, oh, I don't like Sunny being so into me, but then he's purposely making her crazy so that she can. Then she can act up and then he can dump her. Then she can act out and then he can be like, see, see how women love me, like, oh, you're so gross. Women are so crazy.

Yeah, so by the way, diligent holdings, I just looked them up and it is actually fitting for Ben because what they do is dry bulk. That's what they specialize in. And nothing explains Ben better than dry bulk. So it worked after all. Okay, so Sunny and Dylan are outside and they're working and she's like, so do you remember trying to kiss me

last night? And he's like, oh yeah, sorry, that was an old habit. I also kissed the mattress today, so if that makes you feel any better. She goes, yeah, I'm just so irresistible, what can I say? Yeah, tell me about it. You know, I almost gained five pounds after I almost ate your lip gloss last night.

So then Kyle and Barbie are like talking and Kyle's like, Sorry, you okay? And she's like, Keep your mouth shut. And he's like, I am, but people aren't stupid. Because I know, but like keep your mouth shut. And he says, But people are putting words in my mouth. She goes, Yeah, well, you know what? My father made it very clear before I came here. This is the one thing I can't do. Actually, it was one of two things.

The second one, obviously drinking Pepsi, but like that's a given, you know what I'm saying? She's such a drama queen for the cameras and I kinda like it. Like she's so obvious about it. Like, oh my God, I'm gonna come on this show and immediately start problems with the main stew because that's what you do, the cheese stew.

And then I'm gonna be in a romantic situation because that's what you do the chief stew. And then I'm gonna be in a romantic situation because that's what you do on the show. So who's available? The guy who never sees his daughter in Alaska, that's hot. Go for him. She's just like checking all the boxes as she walks through the boat and I love it. And then she's gonna bang a guy on the camera

and then cry about it for the next, you know, seven episodes or however long. Exactly. Coming up, only 18 episodes left of this season of Below Deck. Only 18 left. I mean, to be fair to Barbie, like, I would argue that Kyle is the one getting the best edit

of the men this season outside of Captain Carrie, right? Like, so, you know, she did get the, I think best edit of the men this season outside of Captain Carrie, right? So, you know, she did get the best of the worst. So she's like, my dad isn't like very affectionate. And like, even when I was like married in my house, I wasn't kissing my husband in front of my father. Dad just like doesn't need to see it. And I'm like disappointed myself for disappointing my father. I'm like, oh, sweetheart, you disappointed him long before you had sex with Kyle.

Okay. I don't know what part of saying I'm going on a Bravo reality show has a conservative corporate executive saying, fabulous. So excited for you, honey. So Kyle's just laughing at her. He's like, oh, Jesus, my dad is going to kill me. Jesus Christ. She's like, actually, not really, not to me.

Have you heard nothing? You heard nothing of what I've been trying to tell you. Yeah, so Paris and Zandy are in the laundry room and Paris goes around a corner and Zandy's like, you keep going in that and doing nothing. And Paris comes around with a bucket, she's like, are you fucking kidding me? You're going to question me, a gay icon and what I'm going to do. Look,

I have a little bucket with suds in it. How dare you. She's like, fuck you. And they just start laughing. So then outside, the son is like, Oh, look at me. Just enjoying my day, being happily in love. Ben's, I mean, Dylan's in love with me. I mean, this is just such a good day. Oh my God. She looks at her phone. She's like, fucking Ben, what is he doing? Yeah. She's just when she thought that everything was fine. So she's mad at rightfully. So this is one of the times where I really do think that her rage is justified.

And then Ben. I can't wait to see how she apologizes to him for this because you know that that's coming. That's what's so sad about it. So Ben then takes Nick to his room and then Dylan's asking Nick how old Nick is and Nick is like, I'm 40 a chef for chef for 20 years and I definitely have no memories of being at Woodstock the original one I am definitely 40. Meanwhile Sunny goes to find Barbie in Paris to show them the

phone is sobbed to them she's like oh can you believe it have you seen this Instagram like oh girl he posted that today? When did they break up? She's like, last year she cheated on him. By the way, in below deck, I mean, how long ago was a few months or whatever? She's like, she cheated on him. And Paris is like, so why would you be the hottest girl ever? Are you, this is insane. This whole thing is insane. She goes, I know, I mean, we're just sleeping together and get it. But it's just like, I'm supposed to act like everything is happy on deck, but this is really hard. You know? It like, it kind of broke my heart that she, you could hear her already kind of dismissing

her emotions, which was like, I know we're just sleeping together, but it's weird. Like you don't have to, you don't have to qualify this. You're allowed to be outwardly mad. And honestly, I didn't love, I think Paris said at one point, like, you know, this is just what men do. Like men are awful. Men are lies. It's like, it's like, yes, that that's fair. But also just like, put it really squarely on Ben. Don't like don't like it almost like absolves him of responsibility by saying this is like men are such liars. Be like, no, Ben is a fuck boy and he is wrong for this. Like really? Make him have to hold this on his back.

Does that make sense? Right after this she says, she goes, okay, fine, because she goes, well, you know, I know we're sleeping together, but we're only sleeping together, but and she goes, yeah, but you still deserve respect, which I think is the ultimate point here. Like, so what if you're just fucking each other?

He still cannot be posting this on purpose to piss you off. You know what I mean? And when she says the, they're just, man, I think she's like heard this so much from Sunny. I mean, she's been on how many days now and how many times has Sunny been breaking down crying over Ben? It's like all the time, it's every fucking day.

And I think at some point she's just like, if you just keep going back to the same thing, what do you expect? You're with Ben. Like he's a piece of crap, okay? He's never gonna get this again. He's never gonna get this kind of attention from anyone in any other job.

Walk away girl, for fuck's sake. You're crying over Ben, okay? So speaking of which, Captain is with Ben at the hot tub and say, well, make sure we have fuel. And also this hot tub needs some cleaning. I've seen some things happening in here. So wear some gloves. Cause guess what? It looks like some people got into this, this water and had quite an adventure. Didn't they? It's like, if you look at a hot tub, it's not that different than a Keurig cup, am I right? Just a much bigger version. So then Fraser sees Chef and he's like, well, hello, where are you from? And he's like,

Palmer. Oh, I'm so sorry. Just joking. Ha ha ha ha. Palmer's actually amazing. So have you worked on large vessels, large vessels before? Sorry, there were double S's there. It's very confusing for Ronnie. And he's like, yeah, an A91 actually. He goes, oh, so this is a piece of cake. Speaking of, please leave one out on the counter at all times. We'd like to see Dylan sweat. So I'll always be coming to you before service to sort of stand here and exert pressure with my eyes and make you feel nervous,

but perhaps even a little excited. So I would recommend plated for every meal and read preference sheets and just do the bare necessities it takes to put food onto a plate. You would think anyone could do that, but apparently not. So anyway, enjoy. Welcome on board, Chef Rubble. I cannot wait to undermine you.

While you plate your dinners, I will recite some of my favorite monologues from Michael Clayton, The Deep End, and really anything that my doppelganger, Tilda Swinton, has been in. When I run out of that, I'm just going back to sweet magnolias, steel magnolias, all right.

Please, Shelby, drink your juice. Shelby, drink your juice. Ha ha ha ha ha. And after that I, if I'm really feeling generous, I might pretend like I'm the big piano in the feature film Big and I'll do the chopsticks. Do'm sorry, I only do one note. It's just my vibe. Chopstick, actually. You can't really eat with it. You can't poke people with it, can you? Just poke, poke, poke. So Dylan is posing while shamming and Paris is, he's like kind of posing at the window

looking at himself and the reflection of the window and Paris is like oh god look at that view right it's like watching wild animals behind glass, wild whipletters, what's a whipletter by the way I wrote it down but I don't know what it means, you'll find him in your local marina doing absolutely fuck all won't you? And now Fraser, Ben and Kyle are at the stairs and Fraser's like, So why are you keeping it quiet that you and Barbie did the deed? And Ben's like, Yeah, we heard the bang. It was a little reminder. It sounded like a door opening and closing, opening and closing.

And then Ben, they're like, Oh, shut the fuck up. And Kyle laughs and he's like, he's like, oh yeah, she pushes, da da da. So they're all just like joking and just like, you know, laughing about this whole thing. And Fraser was like, why are you keeping it a secret? And up to it, it's if it's embarrassing. I mean, I know it's all like, guy talk. It's like funny, it's on the boat.

This is like what people, Yadis do. But I'm like, you know, Fraser, this is someone who works under you and you probably should not be pressing for these details at this point. Like you did it, you had like your moment. Nah, I have no problem with it. Probably should move forward.

Yeah, I have no problem with it. Right now, I don't know why. So then, Paris and Ben. Huh? You said you were fine with it? Yeah, this doesn't bother me. I mean, on this boat, he's not fucking her. So, I say he's already a step ahead of Ben.

So right now I'm gonna keep Ben as my villain. So Paris is like, you know, Ben, I think you're being a bit of a tosser. And he's like, what did I do? Nothing, women, right? She goes, you wanna fuck with my girl Sunshine? Oh, fuck with you. And he's like, oh, women, what did I do now?

And she's like, it's your Instagram story, dude. Yeah. Like, come on. And he's, yeah. He's like, it is not. And he goes, he's like, we're not even fucking dating. What's wrong with these girls? It's just like the most classic fuck boy thing to do something and then absolve yourself of any responsibility like oh my god these girls are just they just get so attached wow you know this is why I need to take it slow this is why I don't get in relationships so the fact that I'm not committing to you has nothing to do with me and my issues it's just that you ladies are so crazy in the moment I commit and then I decide I want to like flirt with

other girls you get so crazy so now it's time for the preference shoot meeting all right everyone Alex Taylor is our next primary she's the senior community manager he is the senior community manager and he wants at Yelp and he wants Instagramable food so he's really involved in two platforms at once and let's pay attention to individual preferences okay, Bonnie Rubble I don't want that balls I don't want that balls up this trip okay octopus they want octopus nachos and chocolate chocolate tour and it's gonna do everything and it's be very exciting and make it look pretty. And they're gonna do some Christmas night or something

and a New Year's party. So then we cut to Barbie crying in the hole, that little hole thing that Colin from below deck sailing lives in. So she's down there crying and she goes to Frasier and she's like, Frasier, I just wanted to have a talk with you today, shalom first of all. I just wanted to have a talk with you today. Shalom, first of all. I just wanted to say, this day has been literally,

like I'm schvitzing, it's been the worst day and I'm having some emotional problems, Frasier. I'm not gonna lie. It was like really, really hard. I feel disappointed. I feel like I've really disappointed my father. Like really, really disappointed in Frasier. Darling, you've been cleaning toilets now for six weeks.

Your father's rich. What could you possibly done to make him turn off the TV more quickly than cleaning the toilet? He's just gonna be so disappointed. And he's like, would he be mad? Yeah, and like Ben thinks it's like a fucking joke. And I just don't want this to be a joke. And Ben's like watching like this evil glare in his eyes

and Fraser's like, no one thinks anything of you. And I mean that in all senses of the phrase, like literally no one thinks anything of you. We're all family and you're just the, you know, I'm the big brother, you're the annoying bratty sister who makes noise and has an attitude and does her job well, but no one likes to be around her. You know, a family like that.

You know, in fact, I'm a bit jealous. And she's like, ah, but I'm gonna be getting burned more than I am. And Ben really is staring evilly. He's watching this conversation, just kind of hugging a pillow like, ugh, like with these devious little eyes. What does he, what does Ben's turn?

And Ben's really turned online. Have you seen him posting online? He's posts like paragraphs and paragraphs going on and on about how unfairly he's treated and how the editing is just so mean to him. And blah, blah, and we don't see anything. They've just edited this to make him look like a villain. Like, babe, this is all you.

I don't even care if they showed it all backwards with you speaking in reverse. There's no way to turn this that you're not a fucking asshole, sorry. Yeah, please give us your director's cut and try to just tell us how it works. So then Kyle is like, you know, I was gonna try not to talk of it,

but everybody else is talking about it. Like, how can you not? They're like constantly giving him shit and they all heard it, you know? So now we cut to the chef scrubbing the kitchen and he's like, this is chop three, the worst kitchen saw I've ever seen. I don't know how anyone's not got food poisoning from this disgusting. I mean, this is worse than the time I was working in Margaret Thatcher's kitchen in 1981 when I was fresh out of graduate school and I am 40 though I do want to remind everyone I

definitely am 40. I remember trying to make something on the Mayflower for Chris and he said where are we going and, listen, we're going to a little place called, I'm not really sure to see this pancake. All right. And that was when God, I must've been two years old if I'm 40 now. Stop killing years. All right. Anyway, black mold, black mold, refrigerator mold, fridge mold. It is actually disgusting what he's talking about. He's like talking about how they're like the entire refrigerator lining was black from mold and there was expired shit in there. So Anthony was a lot more disgusting than we realized. Commercials, here comes one right now.

So now it's nighttime and Ben and Kyle are talking and Ben tells Kyle about Sonny and Ben's like I'm just gonna have to end it I'm not happy I've had connections with people before and I don't think Sonny and I have that it's better just to leave it mate I'll never understand the mind of a lady I was like that's not editing right there you said that you'll never understand the mind of a lady how about the mind of just like a simple, of a human being who deserves respect? You can't just say this is just some lady thing, okay? So Kyle's like, well, you think you got her?

And then whack, something else happens. And then you whack off, you literally whack off. Hmm. So then we cut to Dylan talking to the chef. He's like, so what do you think of these people? And he's like, oh, that should be interesting. He goes, all right, well, I'm gonna take a shit shower and sleep.

Gross, Dylan. What's Dylan have to get grosser with every shot? He's terrible. Dylan, you're terrible. The worst. So then Sunny is on deck. And so she goes up to him and he's he's cleaning the he's filling up the hot tub so she's like hi and he says I've been waiting for this hot tub to fill up for hours how

are you and I'll never get inside the mind of a hot tub I'll tell you that much cool checks for ever he's like those Instagram posts today huh she goes She goes, oh, that, well, yeah, I mean, that took me off guard and goes, that's just me, darling. Who else vomited in their mouth when he said that? That's just me, darling. And this is why I feel like Sunny does deserve some responsibility and ire, okay? Because I know that Sunny is the victim in this. I'm not trying to take that away from her,

but this is what you empower. You empower pieces of shit like Ben. Look how comfortable he is just being like, that's me, darling. Whereas before he's been like, no, no, listen, nothing's happening. I'm not trying to, I'm really trying to be a good person. I mean, so we're not committed, blah, blah, blah.

But now he's just already evolved into this like super villain who's just like, that's just me darling. Like purposely posting pictures to piss you off and then acting like this. And then when you don't bring it up with him, he's gonna bring it up with you on camera just to say shit like that. You're empowering that by allowing this to happen.

It's like you're strengthening it. He wants to make her feel bad too because he knows what he did was wrong and he's been confronted by it and he knows it it but rather than accept that what he did was bad. He did it on purpose. He did it wrong on purpose. Exactly, but he's also been confronted by it and rather than, you know, accept the fact that he was a dick, he decides that he's going to turn this into a referendum on Sonny not letting Ben be his true self. And so he is like, well, you know, so now he's very comfortable being a dictator because he knows he's about to break her heart and he's going to flip it on.

And so she's like, well, it just took me off guard, you know, like, why are you putting this all on yourself, Sonny? Like what I would have loved it was for Sonny to be like, you know, go fuck yourself. You're a piece of shit. You have no respect for me and you're a fuck boy. And if you don't get it, that's gonna be on you and it's gonna plague you for the rest of your life. And you're gonna have a miserable,

you'll have miserable relationship after relationship and you'll never accept responsibility. And by the way, you're not hot. So then, but she doesn't, she has no problem. But she doesn't. She not only does that, she's still, I think, with him and like writing comments, fighting with people on Instagram about what dickheads they are

for leaving bad comments under his, it's sad. It's to the point, it's sad, but even you giving her monologues like that in your mind, I wish she had done this, I can't even do that for her because she's now pissed me off to the point. You are literally enabling this person and turning them into a stronger force of evil for the rest of us to have to deal with yeah and shame on you too man exactly so then he goes you know it's just like there's always

something it's like always something like you literally posted on Instagram with about Camille and he goes it's just as annoying like I just need to finish this charter season strong so you know where you are where we are I are. I think now if we sleep together, we sleep together. And if we don't, we don't. And I don't think we're attached to each other whatsoever. Yeah. I'm like, okay, so you're breaking up with her, but you're basically saying, I still want to sleep with you.

So I mean, it's like- He's saying like, I want nothing to do with you except to fuck you sometimes. Yes, he literally says that. She just nods sadly. And then he takes her hand and she's like, okay, see you tomorrow. And he's like, yeah, I mean, I've got to see you sometimes. Yes, he literally says that. She just nods sadly and then he takes her hand and she's like, okay, see you tomorrow. And he's like, yeah, I mean, I've gotta see you, right?

So she goes, it's awful. It's awful. She goes into the room. So she goes out crying and he's like, fucking chicks, mate. It's not chicks. I hate him. It's awful. Please die. Please fucking die.

I know this sounds like this was like a terrible thing to say, but like it never. I just told him to die so it could be that. No, like look, bad behavior is bad behavior regardless of who says it, but you know sometimes when you feel like someone's just like not hot enough to even have this bad behavior, you know? And it's not like being hot like lets you do it.

We've literally said it 10 times this season, you're not hot enough to act this douchey. You just can't pull it off, sir. No one should be douchey at any level of hotness, but it's especially, it's just more annoying when you're not even hot. And you're acting like you have hot privilege, but you don't have it.

But I think that's why he's acting like this, because we haven't seen him act to this level of a villain, right? We haven't seen him steeped in this much villainy. And I really do think that he's coming under this spell that he's hot now, but he's not, he's just on TV. So people will fuck him right now. And it's, you're seeing,

it's like when someone becomes famous really fast and you start seeing it go to their head and you start seeing them spin out of control. It's like that someone becomes famous really fast and you start seeing it go to their head and you start seeing them spin out of control. It's like that, but with vaginas. And he's just spinning out of control. And it's hilarious to watch because you're not hot enough for this as Camille is about to remind you.

So let me just say another pre thank you to her. Yes, exactly. So Sunny is crying in the room and she's like, he dumped me, he said today was the last draw and I get it. There's always something wrong. I'm toxic. Are you kidding me? There's saying there's always something wrong. Yeah. And it's not you, Sunny. I mean, we talk about like, Oh wow. We wish Sunny would like not keep going back to the sky,

but it's more like cause we want something better for her. We want her to do better. We don't think that it's and and it's like it's terrible that she actually believes that she is the toxic one here and You know like she I Feel bad for her because yes I'm getting to the point where I can't even hear it anymore. Like I'm so fucking sick of it It's the same thing every fucking time This guy's an asshole and that she goes and cries and makes it a real fault and then we tell off the guy and then we're like you do better Sonny you know we're

all positive and then I can't I can't do it anymore fuck off Sonny make better decisions like at this point you're in a crosswalk you're gonna get run over and I'm gonna laugh it's gonna be a video I see on Instagram and I'm gonna laugh ha ha ha because you're an idiot standing in a crosswalk like I'm done, I can't do it. Ben's a piece of shit, this girl's an idiot. Fuck them both, you know? May you be unhappy on some farm somewhere without internet so I never have to see your stupid faces again, go.

So Paris says, well he's being a fucking dickhead and sometimes men need to take responsibility for their actions and how they make people feel. I'm like yeah, but I'm like it's not that he's being a fucking dickhead, he is a fucking dickhead like, it's not that he's being a fucking dickhead He is a fucking dickhead and it's not that many to take responsibility Ben needs to take responsibility Like I just really hate the broadening of this. So Sonny is like, you know man or man and they're not gonna change This is Paris who says this she's like men are not gonna change but that doesn't excuse being a seaward right and

Sonny says, you know, if there are that many problems in the beginning anyway, what the fuck am I doing? It's like, yes, exactly. Now please keep that. Let's like print that out and put that over the door of your cabin every time you step out into the world. So Dylan is in his bed listening to Dylan's affirmations.

It's like, you were strong, you are intelligent, you are humble, ham is bad, ham is very, very bad. It puts the lotion on the ham. So now it's bedtime and Barbie texts Kyle and she goes, I don't get what part of this is funny to you and you know this affects me and I've told you from day one. And he's like, whatever. He just ignores it and go to bed.

He's smart. He's smart enough to know, he knows her well enough to know that she is just spinning out in drama land now. So yeah. So now we get, it's the morning, and we get this like over long close up montage of this disgusting smoothie being blended together. I mean, it goes on for like 10 minutes.

Why do we need to see the creation of this smoothie? What is happening here? I don't know, but it's very sexy. It's very Skinamax, but for strawberries, it's like, mmm, strawberries going in. Ooh, yeah, blending, oh, good. Oat milk being poured in it. And then after this whole thing, Paris drinks it,

she's like, delicious. You know? It was, I hope that took an hour and a half to shoot because it was gorgeous, gorgeous shooting. It was too much. It reminded me of Top Chef this week, which I just watched last night. And there was like a scene in Top Chef

where one of the chefs was like ruminating about what is chaos cuisine? And he's trying to wrap his mind around it and then there was a one minute montage of his entire childhood flashing before his eyes and photos and it was like, were they trying to have this Darren Aronofsky moment? I was like, what the fuck is going on here, Top Chef? Let's get it together, okay?

Which chef was it that was having the flashback? I forgot his name. The guy with the glasses, he's part of the Run Club. The skinny guy. The guy with the glasses who's part of the Run Club? Danny, is his name Danny? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not very exciting, I don't care about his childhood.

I need that for like a more, I want the girl who's a Dungeons and Dragons person. Like I want her childhood, you know? I want her like flashing back to like putting Be Kind Rewind stickers onto VHS tapes or whatever. Well, she's probably too young for that. It really was a bad season for Padma to step away from because Padma would have had so much disdain

for this Dungeons and Dragons girl. Really? Wow. So you like role playing? Oh, I guess you're not a comedian. Like I am. Ha ha ha ha Pamela wants to be the funniest person in the room guy walks into a bar the bar

immediately disappears because Gail Simmons enters too and eats it ha ha why did the chicken cross the road cuz Gail's standing there with a bottle of ketchup chasing it knock, who's there? Knock the door, cause Gale just ate it too. Knock knock, who's there? Gale. Gale who? Exactly. Knock knock, who's there? My dear friend, Ali Wong. End of joke.

Why did you knock instead of Ding Wong? Am I right? A priest, a rabbi, and a shaman walk into a bar and none of them know anything about food. What is chop Suey? Okay, so now the captain is checking on the chef. He's like, what's up, mate? And he's like, it's always the same thing. You show up, you assess the damage and you crack on. I've been a chef 21 years. I was like, uh-oh, your numbers are starting to slip there.

You're forgetting your lie number. Your lie number was 20 a minute ago. I think he's also said 22 at some point in this episode. And now it's 21. Get it straight, Nick. Get it straight. So then Kyle texts Barbie back in the morning, and he's like, I didn't take it as a joke.

You didn't make me look like a joke doing what we did and being a yard about it. And Barbie's like, oh God, stop it. So Ben is like, oh, you texting Barbie? He's like, yeah, she's pissed off, read it. You know, I don't think I've done anything wrong. In fact, I've done the opposite. I've tried everything to make her feel comfortable.

You know, I put a pillow out and I said, everyone, I stepped on Barbie, you know? And for her to act like that is childish. I offered to burn a hanger and put a question mark on the shape of a... a scar... a scar on the shape of a question mark on the ass for her. She just said her daddy's sad. Silly. Silly girl. And Ben's like, oh, she's so ashamed of you.

So then clean... no one is more ashamed than Sunny's mother right now. Okay? I can guarantee you that. So then, uh, they're clean, clean, cleaning, and Ben and Sunny are on deck, and she's just kind of ignoring him doing her work. I don't think she's being like an asshole. She's just doing her work, and he goes, guys, I'm okay with earphones,

but you can have them in their ear and listen, but you still have to talk to the rest of us. And she's like, oh, fuck off. And she just walks off like, this guy doesn't want me doing it. It's like, she can't do anything, you know? She can't even not speak. She has to banter while she's shamming and railing.

So Fraser is now with the chef and he's like, Nick, just had to talk with Captain. He'd like to have lunch at one. What are we doing for that? He's like, well, I'll do the nachos and then the lamb chops and then something that I really enjoyed making when I was in that bunker with Winston Churchill is called salami frances.

Oh, I think back to the time where we invented salt. I accidentally got pushed up against a wall in a mine and licked and I thought, God, that's good. That would taste really good on some beef, which at the time was dinosaur meat. Goddamn, they did make it good. I look like Bonnie Rubble because I am Bonnie Rubble. I've been around a while. So he's talking about it's his first meal, he's gonna make it shine.

He's like worked himself up to a five star restaurant, he worked at the Ritz, he's self-taught, and he's just gotta keep a steady head now. So it's time for provisions. And also it's very important just to highlight that Fraser asks what he's doing and he tells him exactly what he's doing. He's going to do the octopus nachos as the fish portion,

and then he's going to be serving lamb chops, okay? It's important because little underminer over there completely tries to fuck him over. And Fraser better watch his ass because this Nick doesn't look like he's fucking around, okay? Fraser's not gonna be able to pull this Anthony like, I love you so much

while he's like stabbing him in the back constantly. Nick will run this person over. Yeah. He's been look he's he's 33 years old and he's been a chef for 63 years. You know men in their 20s they've got some rage sometimes. So it's provisions, provisions, provisions, and captain's checking Ben's work and everything. And then Sunny and Barbie are changing and Sunny is talking about Kyle and says, Barbie talking about Kyle and she's like, you know, I asked him to be a gentleman

and he just can't do it. He's the one person I trusted, you know? And like now I feel like I can't, it just like sucks. And Sunny's like, yeah, but I also think his feelings are hurt hurt because you know it's really important to remember that the men's emotions are more important than the women's And Barbies like well he wouldn't have hurt feelings about it Maybe he didn't talk about it because then I wouldn't be pissed and he didn't talk about it So now I'm pissed and he has emotions about me being pissed. That's really not fair. My daddy wouldn't like that

I'm just like so fucking pissed because Kyle's known all season that I'm like fucking orthodox. You know what I mean? And he's letting it be like a fucking thing. I mean, this is private. It's between me and you. You're the person I can trust now and I'm feeling like, oh my God,

I cannot trust you now. So, all right, everyone, everyone. 15 minutes till the guests arrive and Ben texts hey to Camille and she doesn't write back. And now here come the guests. The guests, there's like a group of Yelp, Yelp elites. Literally they're Yelp elites and they're walking down the dock

and the music's like, I got swag, I got swag. I'm like, yes, that's what everyone says when they see food bloggers approaching. And I say that as someone who moonlights in that world. This is definitely a group of people in bad rayon that walk up to Costco samplers and stand there for 10 minutes going like this. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

It's like it's gelatinous fucking chicken breast, okay? Just eat it and move on, it's free. These are people who say, oh my God, have you been to Drago Centro? I love what Shelby's been doing with the bar menu lately. I'm like, Shelby? Yeah, Shelby. You mean the bartender?

That's a true story, by the way. Some, when I, you know, my food blogging days, because I used to do all sorts of food blogging because it would be a way to get free food. You know, I was poor. I was like, I had, I was deep in credit card debt. So I was always writing about food and restaurants on my blog because I'd get invited to these free meals and you'd go and there would inevitably be like a food blogger who would like name

drop some random line chef at some restaurant and be like, Oh my God, what Don is doing with scallops these days, downtown, it's like revolutionary. And like, who's Don? Oh, you don't know? Don, line chef, yeah. He's at Dragacentro. That's what these people are. They're so boring and lame, these people.

Just as people, just as human beings. And then the main guy, it's like, he's too big. He's a six foot four guy, so he can't really fit into many things. So he's wearing like an ill-fitting blazer and like a Costco golf shirt, and then like really neon bright sunglasses, cause that's like his personality.

He's like, I'm the guy who wears like neon sunglasses. Yeah, I'm Alex, so that's me. So the captain's like, Well, welcome to Granada. Fraser is the chief steward. It's his job not to mock guests and children's sunglasses. So you're lucky for that one. Fraser, take away, show them an adventure of a lifetime adventure. However, this is a hot tub where you won't be having sex with

anyone. And look, oh, here's a table where you'll be able to take a picture of a crudite at some point during this trip. Oh, here's a mirror where you can look at your homely faces. I think that's about the end of the tour at this point. All right. He goes, this is the hot tub. This is your prime spot for a 360 view of the whole boat. And when the ladies go, I thought you said a spot for threesomes and I died. I died. Isn't that funny you guys?

Like, oh my God, say that again. I'm gonna totally story that. Say it again. And by threesome, I mean a trio of duck. Roasted, comfy, and sauteed. So tour, tour, tour.

And then Alex is like, oh my God, I'm so tall, I can't ever fit into bathtubs, but I can fit into this one. And now they have to get ready for chocolate day because they're gonna go learn how to make chocolate guys because they're foodies. Yeah, so there's like a lot of stuff happening. All the girls are taking Instagram photos.

Like, here's the thing. You know me, I take photos of food. I have literally an entire sub stack dedicated to food. I do this, I'm in this world, I get it, I get it, I get it. But like crudités on the bar, that does not need to be on Instagram. You do not need to take a picture of celery stalks and cauliflower.

And they're just so gross. I mean, it's all of them with their phones like, uh, hi, look at me touching a carrot. I'm touching a carrot. You know, they're like putting up TikToks that are like, hey guys, so today we went on a yacht and we had the most amazing spread. First they put out some crudités.

It was really amazing, but that was just like, didn't even get us started yet on what the main course would be. We were so excited. Like and subscribe to see more about our food adventures on a yacht. Yeah. And one of them actually during a meal goes,

she puts her camera down right in front of her plate on the table and it's like aiming up at her. So first of all, it's a terrible angle cause it's from below. It's like when your mom answers the FaceTime, you know, it's like, hey. So it's like that. And then she takes a bite and she's like,

mm, mm, no one wants to see you cow eating, you know? Just doing that like big cow chew, like, mm, mm. You're not hot enough for this either, okay? That's my general note for everybody on this show today. You're not hot enough to be acting like Okay. That's my general note for everybody on this show today. You're not hot enough to be acting like this. Put your fucking phone upside down. I can't. Yeah. So, um, then, uh, they're all excited cause so tonight's gonna be a Christmas party. So they're excited for that. And Alex is the tall guy and he's like,

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. So Frasier's like, okay, you plain people, you're gonna be going on an excursion and then you're coming back for Christmas and how you came up with that, I'm not sure, but you're so hilarious, you're absolutely hilarious and fingers crossed you don't understand British sarcasm right now. So the chef is making wacky octopus nachos,

he's like, these crazy kids wanting octopus nachos. And outside, the gay of the group is like, oh my god, you guys, Fraser is so hot. I seriously can't even laugh. I'm about to die right now. He is so hot. Oh my god, dad. I'm literally dead.

I can't believe it. Yeah, I feel like this guy came on with this idea of, I'm going to make a splash on this charter, and I'm going to be the guest that tries to have sex with this too. So Captain and Barbie and Fraser are talking and Fraser is looking at the bowl of fries. He's holding a big bowl of fries. Yeah, he's holding this big bowl of fries. And of course, the undermining is starting already. So he's talking to the captain and he's like,

oh, it's like one fry each, hmm? And this is supposed to be a seafood spread. So why is there lamb on a seafood spread? Maybe because he told you he was serving lamb and you said nothing. You little fucking manipulator. He's terrible. I didn't even catch that.

I mean, I didn't catch that initially that when Chef told Fraser what the menu was that Fraser heard it and didn't say anything. So for me, I thought it was just Fraser pointing it out. Being like, wait a second. But now going through the notes again, you're right, totally an underminer. So Captain's like, well, let's find out the reason for that.

Hi Chef, do you have more seafood? It's on the preference sheet, a whole seafood spread. You wanna just take a look, see the air? And he's like, oh yes. Sorry, I don't think I noticed that. I just saw the nutshell. It's just I don't have my readers. I've had bad eyes ever since, you know, 1972.

It was just like a terrible summer in the sun and it really ruined my eyesight. No man should have this poor of eyesight at age 28. You know what I'm saying? All right, well I'm not really sure about the math there, but I'm sure that we need some more fish. So he's like, I can do it. So he starts like throwing fish up in the air

and chopping them in the air like, les poissons, les poissons. Like he's going crazy and Fraser is just like, oh, look at him trying to make more fish. Insane. Literally calling a psychologist to come on this boat and lock him up somewhere. Nuts. So these octopus nachos go up and the guests all cheer. They're all excited about them. And then that's where the girl starts filming herself eating them. And now it's time to go to the chocolate factory. So they guess I'll get into cars and everything.

And Fraser tells the gay, he's like, oh, by the way, bring me some chocolates. Bring me some chocolates. I love the shorts, by the way. So sort of like flirting. That's like Fraser's flirting and everything. I guess, yeah. He's like, love your shorts.

He's like, oh my God, cannot wait for him to be inside of me. And then this lady named Tiffany spelled correctly, so I'll credit her with that, because this show's been kind of ruining my faith in humans, but it's spelled correctly and she's like, oh my God, I'm gonna have my tits out today. I'm ready to be a MILF.

You already are a MILF. You're a mom I'd like to forget, okay? And put on a pashmina or something. So, it's the guy asks, one of the guests asked one of the women like, so do you guys want to get married? And this lady is like, oh my God, I've asked for the ring twice and I still can't get it. It's like, wow, I wonder why not. And then the gay is like, if Fraser asks for a ring right now, I would like just go out and buy it.

I want to fuck him or be fucking by him. I'll do anything with him. Oh, so Fraser is talking to Paris and he's like, I kind of want to fuck that guy in the shorts, but it says on his preference sheet he doesn't like hot dogs. He doesn't like sausage between two buns. Steven is quite hot. I mean, he's basically one of the ladies. Are they speeding? I mean, he's basically one of the ladies. Are they speeding, are they? I think they're. Sorry. We're having issues with our notes.

So Ben and I are taking turns on different days taking notes, right? Because it's just an easier way to live. We're like, why are we taking 12 pages of notes on every single show? So one day he does something and the next day I do it. This, I mean, it looks like I stroked out. it's just an easier way to live. We're like, why are we taking 12 pages of notes on every single show? So one day he does something and the next day I do it. This, I mean, it looks like I stroked out taking this. It turns into ASKF, ASKF, ASKF, ASKF. It goes, the note goes, ASKF, ASKF, ASKF.

He's one of the ladies. I was like, okay, I'll just go to the next line. And the next line was, are they speeding up the lines? I can't understand them Okay, here's what this means let me tell you okay So did you notice on the show they're speeding up the audio? Did you notice it cuz at first I was like that has to be me Maybe they're just talking fast because they do it with Barbie a couple times or Barbie's like well

Because they do it with Barbie a couple times, or Barbie's like, well, you know, like he knows that I have a dad, and he knows that I'm a little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little. I'm like, what? And so I keep rewinding it, like what did she say? No one talks that fast, but now I think they're speeding up a lot of these lines,

because it happens with Fraser too, where I don't know what the hell he's saying, and I think they're just speeding it up too fast, because no one can speak that fast. Why are you putting stuff in you have to speed up on below deck? There's already so much minutia in this show. Just, cut it.

I mean, it is possible. Maybe you hit a keystroke that caused the playback to speed up. I probably didn't. I've done that. Reading these notes back, yes. I've done that. And how many times have people-

I can see how I might have hit the wrong key. And how many times have we gotten messages from people that are Like why are you guys talking so fast lately and we say oh, did you check that your playback speed? Is that normal and they're like, oh whoops and by the way, I've also done that I've totally hit the playback speed on my podcast plate. I'm like, why are these people going fast? It's like you see it with other people you're like, um, excuse me Like just press that button right there. But then when it happens to you, you're like, well, no, I would never, I would never advance, like, increase the playback speed. I'm not that sort of person.

I'll bet you're right. I'll bet you're right, because I was like, I think I've come onto something. They are speeding up lines to try and make us watch even more below deck. You know what's really fun is- You probably just hit the wrong button, you fuck. Yeah.

I think I told you this, that one time in an effort to, as an experiment, I actually watched Miami slower Meaning that like it'd be easier for me to take the notes because they'd be speaking slower because they speak so fast in that show And to watch Miami with a slow playback speed now that is a trip. They also like they're on drugs It's amazing Yeah, just different drugs. Yeah It's all just like taking koi lids or something. Anyway, these so now. They've all just like taken Quaaludes or something.

Anyway, so now the people, they all arrive at the chocolate factory and they're all taking pictures of this guy and they make chocolate and it's like fun. So Fraser and Paris are decorating. Of course, this poor guy is just like, I'm welcomed chocolate. And they're like, oh my God, it's chocolate.

He's all in chocolate right now. Fuck off. All right, so yeah. Now they're speed decorating for Christmas on the other boat. And Dylan is like holding Sunny. She's like bending over the railing, trying to pull in a rope or something.

So he's holding her like by her waist. And he's like, I got you. I got you girl. And she's like, did you know that it's National Women's Day today? He goes, in that you, I got you girl. And she's like, did you know that it's National Women's Day today? He goes, in that case, I'll hold you tighter. I think that was her way of saying, get off me, I can do this myself. So Ben's in the mess and Kyle's asking what's going on with Ben.

And Ben's like, oh, I've been thinking about my ex recently, Camille. You know, I think there was something about walking by that mop that made me just say, oh, I miss her. I miss Camille. Yeah, I miss women who don't, you know, taut you and nag you. Yeah, because she didn't like you, and she dumped you the second she didn't have

to be on camera with you anymore. You fucking fuckwit. Yeah, she's like, I'm way out of this guy's league. I used to date the quarterback from Alabama, as I told everyone five thousand times. Multiple times. So um so Kyle's like oh you're thinking you're a dick or your head you're thinking with your dick or your head and Ben tells us I do like Sonny she's cute and she's fun to be around I just don't have that spark with Sonny and you can't force something right especially when you actively try to undermine it at all times so there has to be a spark right like last year with Camille that's the magic I'm after all those intellectual

conversations and insights into work ethic etc yeah I'm feeling for Sunny because I think they are together like from the comments of her like bashing people and coming after them for saying anything about him, I'm assuming they're together, but watching this now, I mean, do you think she's like hurt, but also like, Ben, I just want you to know that I saw the episode tonight and I'm so sorry for making you feel. Well, he probably has like, he probably is like,

well, you know, I think I was just like in a really immature place back then. And I just didn't realize what I had with Sonny. And now that I do, I'll well, you know, I think I was just like in a really immature place back then. And I just didn't realize what I had with Sonny. And now that I do, I'll just, you know, it's really her fault for pushing me towards Camille and I'm glad that she recognizes it now. Oh God. So he calls Camille and I love the producers for this because you know, they were like, you know what?

Camille probably still likes you. You were posting that on your Instagram. You should try calling Camille. I felt there was some shady ass producer doing that. And he's like, oh, I'm gonna do it. So he FaceTimes her and she answers and she's like, yeah, it's me. Why are you calling me?

What's the deal? And he's like, well, you know, I was just been going down memory line and I don't know I just miss you. I guess she goes Yeah, I'd miss me too. I'm way hotter than any girl you've ever had in your life Yeah, I mean it's like well, what are you up to and it's by the way, it's so awkward She really is just looking at him like why are you calling me? Yeah, so he says what are you up to and she's like Well, I'm practicing my new single,

Don't Fuck Gross Guys at Work, which is available on Spotify, because I just got a new guitar player and I have a gig in Fort Lauderdale, so suck on that. Yeah, so if anyone needs me, I'll be at Barnes and Noble singing by the board games. Ben's like, well, I'm gonna be in Florida. I'd love to see you, just to say hello.

And she goes, yeah, I don't know. I don't, I don't know. Sammy goes, really, but just to see that smile again? And she goes, mm, I mean, I just got here two months ago or so, so I don't really know if that's something I need. I don't need to be turned off by all of Florida.

Florida has not completely killed my boner yet. And you might just do it. Keep your face an ocean away. Yeah. See, the thing is this when you're on a boat, you only have a choice of like three guys. But when you're in Florida, you have a choice of like thousands of guys.

So anyway. With boats. Yeah. See the difference? Yeah. All right, smell you later. It's like, okay, we'll get back to that music, Mike ain't great to catch you, babe. Boy, and he's trying to play it off like,

yeah, nailed it, nailed it. But then he hangs up and he's like, oh, God, why am I such a loser? Finally, we're asking the same questions. Yeah. Oh, I feel kind of stupid because it's over. It's a hard pill to swallow. And I swallowed a second time. I mean, you have to learn the first time Ben. It's stupid. But now I know back to manipulating Sonny.

Yeah. On the bright side, Sonny is more attractive to me again. Yeah. So then the guests come back to the boat and they're like wooing because it's Christmas and Fraser tells us how much he used to love Christmas as a kid and then it comes to Fraser as a child singing in presumably a Christmas toy being like this. Daddy, mom today made cereal. I think she might be insane call the doctor mom's losing it. Deck the halls with boughs of awful awful people. Fa la la la. Ugh, ugh, terrible.

Fa la la la la Santa's fat. So it's back at the bar and one of the ladies is like, oh my God is captain one of the most handsome people ever. And then the gay is whose name is Steven is like, oh my God, is Captain one of the most handsome people ever? And then the gay, whose name is Steven, is like, oh my God, guys, I have a thing for Fraser. I can't help, we know, good luck with that. You know, you're working, congratulations, you made it into the mid-season trailer. You don't have to work this hard.

So then the lady goes, he's super single and super ready. So now the chef is cooking, and tonight is cooking and tonight is the feast of the seven fishes which is something that I also served to Jesus Christ himself on a very very bad night for him. Anyway, it's an Italian tradition, it's like being a chef Christmas is stress. I much prefer Halloween which of course gives me fond memories of also being in Salem, Massachusetts around 1623. Some bad things happen to some lovely ladies, but you know, such is life.

What am I talking about? Mm. So Fraser is dressed as Santa and he puts the hat on and he looks in the mirror and he goes, riveting. Have got head the size of a peanut. So then the captain comes to check on the chef again. He's like, good day, mate. He's like, canapes now, please get out. All right then, I'll get out then. So then the gay is flirting with Santa. He's like, oh my God, I've always wanted to flirt with Santa. Totally marry Santa. I don't say anything though.

I'm ready for you Santa. Hey Santa, I want to come down my chimney. And hold on, can I get video? I want to story this. I'm with Santa, isn't he hot? Yeah, Santa. And then Ben is talking to Kyle and he's like, so what's going on with you and Barbie?

You get so close and intimate with someone and cross that boundary and then she's just blowing you off now. God, women, am I right? They're so crazy. Can't get into their heads. You cross that boundary and now she just blows you off. What did you just do to Sunny after you've been fucking her on this boat? I hate this person so much. I hate him. I know, he's the worst. I hate him. And Kyle's like, well, we just got intimate and now to

be shut down. I've got a heart too, you know, I've got a heart too. Okay, relax. So everyone's getting in their Christmas outfits and everyone's getting ready and stuff and they're all taking pictures and they're doing like oyster shots and they're like surprised by the oyster. Like, oh my God, there's an oyster in here. Let me take a photo of the oyster with my backwash. And then Alex is saying that the feast of the seven fishes is important because he's very family oriented myself. And I just can't wait to see what happens, Captain. Yeah, he's boring.

So the ladies, so Captain eats with them and they're like, oh my God, tell us like scary moments in yachting. And he's like, all right, well, listen here, there's so much pirate activity around Somalia and we see a boat on the radar and it's not supposed to be there. So we turn off our course 20 degrees and then they turn their boat 20 degrees. 20 degrees and then they turn their boat 20 degrees and we think oh god we're about to die and it turns out right when I said kutsalanet which means holy fuck I turn around and we find out it's just some holy fishermen and they were turning because they

were worried we were going to run over their fish traps and I thought it was a warship! Then I see this blonde lady jump off of her boat with a lasso. She lasso's one of the pirates, she pulls him down in the water, she hits him over the head with something big and yellow and deflatable until he's under and she says, God I love that banana. Oh you should have seen the belly laugh I had as we sent our boat right over that little dinghy's fishing trips. Oh man I still have the net to show. So now pasta is coming and it's sciocciopreti pasta and Alex the Yelp elite maestro says, so here's the thing

about Schozzopretzi, it actually means priest choker. Ha ha ha. They're all happy. They're all like being very foodie. So more food is coming out, more food. The chef is cooking. Sonny's ignoring Ben. Canolis come out.

They're taking photos of canolis. Everyone cheers for the chef when he comes out to say hi to everyone. And the captain's like, I'm very impressed. Happy captain, happy life. Sad fisherman. Sorry about that, buddy. I didn't mean to destroy your entire family business with my app, but you know, things happen. There's a reason for that saying it normally rhymes. Okay, you can't just take the rhyme out of happy captain happy It's not how it works So then dylan is dancing around shirtless to his am for affirmations and it says on the screen again dylan's affirmations Hard work pushes me towards my goals and nothing can get in my way

Not even ice cream So now barbie and ben are talking and ben's like, hi Barbie, how you doing? So how about Kyle? I woke up to him upset and he's been down all day. I'm kind of annoyed at it. He wants to talk to you but he doesn't know how to go about it. It's like what? This guy is literally gonna come up and advocate and make Barbie feel bad and And she goes, um, well, don't get mad at me for my personal relationship with Kyle. He goes, well, it's just disappointing that he's been there for you the whole season

and now you're pushing him aside. Are you gonna talk to him? What the fuck? She's like, um, anyone that wants to talk to me can definitely talk to me. He's like, well, he doesn't know how though. He doesn't know how. And she's like, well, hopefully it's not the way

that you're approaching me, cause that's not fun. And he's like, well, he's a good guy and it's the last thing he deserves. And she goes, yeah, there's a girl who's crying every day here because of you, you fuck. And he's like, well, I don't appreciate how you're talking to Kyle. And now I'm gonna post a picture of me making out with Camille saying I don't approve of it right now, just to prove how much I don't approve of it. Ben treats Sonny like shit all season long. Barbie has like a one night stint, asks Kyle to be discreet about it. Kyle doesn't act discreet. Barbie gets annoyed and Ben is going to come in and lecture Barbie about one single incident

that has nothing to do with him and Ben has had the luxury of not having people lecture him when he is the one most in need of a lecture. I mean, get out of here. Go to Shut Up Mountain. Yeah. She's like, sit the fuck down. So then hot tub night, ladies are hitting on Kyle and one of them is like, oh my God, if you think about it, you have to talk to people with accents like like this sexy Scotland Scottish guy

He's like, yeah, honestly, you're making a young boy blush Keep it up ladies. Keep it up. Yeah, he seems really distraught right now So now Barbie and Paris are talking and Barbie's like I just got like fully attacked by Ben about Kyle Like why are my problems your issue? And Paris goes, oh well you know boys, they're stupid. I'm like can we just say that Ben is stupid, don't just be like boys, it drives me nuts. I think Paris is so fucking sick of hearing about Ben. Can't really blame her on that one. She's just like, oh God, we're still hearing about Ben for fuck's sake, that's a different woman crying about Ben.

So then we cut to just when she goes, boys are stupid, it cuts to the chef going, burping really loudly. So then Barbie and Nick are in the galley, and no, Barbie and Kyle are in the galley, and of course Nick's watching, because he's the chef, that's where he works. So it it's like you're really pissing me off right now you are like so pissing me off like I mean I have a million things to do but please keep talking about it with everyone on the yacht okay it's like so

disappointing I don't even know who you are right now which is probably what my dad said when he saw us banging on TV I did not just say banging you did not hear that chef and if you tell anybody I said that you're dead to me I mean I'm serious you will never have another cook in your goddamn life Because okay better game. That's all I need to know girl. So he walks off and cuz sorry about that So cuz she did this on from next and next just like giggling He's like lovers to but in my experience if you have an affair you got to do it with the right person Having a handsome chef come in and steal your girl could be pretty embarrassing I guess. I'm like and who would that handsome chef be? I'd like to know.

Yeah name him. Seriously. So then uh Dylan's affirmations. I breathe calmly. Everything Pizza is Satanic. Apples for life. Wash Ham. Wash Ham. Wash Ham. So now Barbie and Kyle are at the hot tub. And Barbie is like, what? And he says, I said are you okay? No Kyle, I'm not okay.

He's like, I know I screwed up. But I hope she can forgive me. I apologize. I said I wouldn't talk about it and I did talk about it I understand that's pissed you off. I'm very sorry, but at the same time. I have a voice. I have to voice my opinions as well Oh yeah, well I thought you had my back and then you didn't. Well last night I had your back and your front didn't I? Well Kyle, you're not helping okay my dad's still watching. God I don't know So she's just like, I don't trust you. I thought you were a safe place for me,

but I don't trust you and I don't know how I'm gonna move on. So that's the big cliffhanger. Like, will they be able to figure shit out? Wasn't there a scene where Barbie, by the way, I feel like we didn't even talk. There was a whole scene where Barbie sat with Fraser and was like, I'm having a really bad day.

And I just like, did we talk about that? Yeah. Oh. We sure did. Or she was crying. I must've missed that. I must've gotten distracted by something. That was some Ronnie theater right there.

You're like, oh, here he goes. But yeah, I think the storyline's stupid. I'm not really buying it. But God, this episode was great just watching Ben get rejected and made to look like a fool on TV. Oh, he's so awful. I loved it.

It was so good for that. He's terrible. Terrible. Doosh, doosh. All right, everyone, thanks for being here. Go to WatchWhatCrappens.com for tickets to Los Angeles, Dublin, London, and Birmingham coming up next month, May. Well I guess, is it May today?

90 days are in April. I don't know. Is it May today? Might be. You know what, today, it turns out that today is actually April 30th. Okay, well it's not May Day. As we knew, because of course we knew today was April 30th. Okay, well it's not May Day. As we knew, because of course we knew today was April 30th.

Go get your tickets. And if you want this on video or our Vanderpump Villa bonuses, please go to Patreon and look for us because we're there. We sure love you guys. Thank you for being with us and we will talk to y'alls, trying to get the page up so I could do this properly. We will talk to y'alls, trying to get the page up so I can do this properly, we will talk to you next time, bye. Bye.

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