Watch What Crappens - #2412 The Valley Part Two: Expiration Dates

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

*This is part 2*This week on The Valley (S01E07), Luke reprimands Kristen for bending the truth about Jesse, and Jax and Britney try to rekindle the flame with limited success. Grab tickets for the Netflix is a Joke Fest in LA and our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Hi everyone, welcome back. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're wondering where What happens when there's so much that happens? like it's my house, come in, I'm Janelle Gordon, I'm an intimacy Tantric sex expert. So he's like, what is this, a sex room? And she's like, no, this is not a sex room.

Brittany's like, it's about to be. I never felt prettier. Okay, just some ground rules when we're here in the Tantric studio. We're gonna ask you to please refrain from shucking beans, Brittany. Thank you so much. We just have an insect problem.

Also, I just want to say, I work with couples just like yourself all over the world who are wanting to have better intimacy and better sex and more orgasms, right? So tell me about each other. I once pooped on a thing, right? Okay, I think that we're done here. I'm not sure there's any help.

Okay, thanks so much for coming by. All right, let's find out what's going on in your relationship, okay? And then we're gonna give you some tantric tools. Is there a special occasion? And Jax is like, well, you know, we're so busy. I'm just so busy. I'm so, so busy.

I do things, I have a job, I have a business, business, wife, I'm child. And pimp, and pimp. Hmm. Okay, so Brittany's like, we need to move it up to the top, okay? Cause I don't want to turn into roommates with me and Jax. I'm already wearing T-shirts with this picture

and Andy Warhol, Andy Warhol style, where he's cucked at and probably just fucked one of his best friends girlfriends it's getting bad. It's fun though. It's fun. Okay, alright, alright. Well, approximately how many times a week are you guys having sex?

Oh, it's been over a month, okay? I mean it's been like twice in the past year. It's like real bad. Okay, well the more you talk the more you understand why there's a sex drought. I get it. So how do we get back to like a magnetized state? Right? A magnet? I'm not noodle. How that one Janelle is crazy JX. I can't use magnets and anything on the inside because I've got feelings. magnets and anything on the inside because I got feelings. My teeth right down my throat.

So she's like, Jax, do you have any answers? He's like, and so some Brittany's like, sometimes I wonder if Jackson attracted to me after having the baby, which is actually super sad that she even feels like that. Jax is just an asshole. Okay. Something more exciting. I don't, I don't think Jackson's the person who can be like nice to anybody ever. I don't, I think that that's a huge boner killer for Jackson. Well, it looks like to me from your body language, you both are very open. You can see like, I don't, I don't feel like there's cheating or weird stuff. It's just two dumb people in my office. That happens a lot. So Brittany's like, yeah, well, you know, we had, we had cheating in the past, but we worked through.

We worked through it. It's like, but before we were married before never happened again ever since never, never happened, never will happen. So it's like, wow, I don't know why we're bringing it up. Not happening. Yeah. And, um, she's like, yeah, well don't know why we're bringing it up. Not happening. Yeah. And she's like, yeah, well, he ain't no, he ain't cheating on me, that's for sure. And she's still saying that to this day in the after show and wherever I'm on her podcast or wherever.

She's like, nope, never cheated, never cheated. That's still her big thing. Like, I don't know what's going on with her, but I hate that she feels like this because she's very pretty. I mean, no matter what, Jax, even if she wasn't pretty, I wouldn't want her to feel ugly, but she is really pretty. And I hate that she feels like this because she's very pretty. I mean, no matter what, Jax, even if she wasn't pretty, I wouldn't want her to feel ugly, but she is really pretty. And I hate that she feels like that. And listen, dude, we're dudes, like dudes should always

make you feel hot. We will fuck. Dudes are down to fuck. Okay? Let me just say dudes are down to fuck. And if your husband isn't fucking you, go find one that will. Go find some other one. Go find another husband that'll fuck you. That's right. Find someone else's, okay? If your husband isn't working out, get under someone else's, just kidding. I'm just under this whole Michelle storyline. Also maybe a husband who treats you with respect.

So Janelle's like. Get a better husband, make better choices in general. Okay, you know what'll make you feel sexier? Better choices. Janelle's like. So why do marriages end? Well, they don't end to make you feel sexier. Better choices. You know, I was like, so why do marriages end? Well, they don't end for lack of love. Although I guess one could say for lack of love. I'm like, what do you mean they don't end for lack of love?

Have you met the people on this show? Literally every marriage I've ever known that's ended has been because of a lack of love. So not sure where this lady's coming from, but you know, there's someone who doesn't make their bed before she has people over. So I know. And she's, and Jack says, people are lazy. She goes exactly. Even though I didn't make my bed for national TV, you know, but people are just, they just don't want to fight for it.

And she's like, yeah, yeah, like not wanting to fight for it. Swap marriages. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And, it swap marriages. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And, and Jack's is like, well, I mean, they just thought like, well, it didn't work. So let's just give up. And she's like, no, but some people do, but a lot of people don't, you know, she was like, yeah, they don't want to do the actual work. So we're going to do the actual work, which is that you're going to look at each other now and hold each other's hands. Congratulations. You just did the work.

Okay, now be careful, because this one's a lot, okay? Look into each other's eyes. This is called soul gazing. Face each other, touch knees. Brittany, why are your hands turning black and crinkling up? Brittany, your face is melting.

Brittany, okay, stop staring in his eyes. Stop staring in his eyes. Her head shrinks. Her head shrinks to this big and just has that big bald, big bald ponytail hanging down. It's like at the end of- Help me back. I don't feel pretty right now. I don't feel pretty. It's like the end of Indiana Jones, the last crusade. I drank from the wrong gray.

Yay. Yay. Yay. Yeah. Yeah. Stop looking at Brittany, Jacks. We need her head to grow back. It's like the ring. The little girl from the ring just crawls out of Jackson's eyes. Hi! So Jackson's like, Britney's been my rocks since day one. Like this is my wife.

This is like my partner, my best friend. Like you know, this is my soulmate, you know? Like it's such an honor. When I cheat on her, I'm like, wow, I'm not just cheating on anyone. I'm cheating with my soulmate'm not just cheating on anyone. I'm cheating with my soulmate. That's amazing, man. So, Brittany's like, I mean, I think he tries to put on front lines. Things aren't as bad as they actually are. You know, like when he comes and says to everybody, marriage sucks or marriage is hard

or I hate marriage. Or when he got me that Valentine's card that said, please die. I mean, he's just always pretending things are fine and they are they're fun Jack's like quiet your inner monologues too loud Cruz is trying to study. Tell your inner monologue to shut up So Janelle's like do you feel connected to him? She's like, yeah. Yeah That felt real good. Except for the staring into his soul and realizing there's just pools of darkness. Yeah, I was really sad because you could see the disappointment on her face when she's like, that was it. That did nothing.

You know, like I really thought your unmade bad was going to be magic. And here's another thing that didn't work, thanks. And she's like, yeah, I can tell Jax doesn't appreciate me anymore. He done lift me up. He done put me on a pedestal. He done made me feel good about myself. I mean, I used to be the blue cheese to his wings.

Now I'm just ranch left in the fridge. So now we go to the bros going bowling as Jax and Jason and Luke. And the J the Jackson Jason are hoping to have some sort of like intervention where they tell Luke, Hey, your girlfriend is a liar. So they're bowling and Jackson's like, Hey, you know, I know I haven't talked to you in a couple of days, Luke. And I've had a lot of a've had a lot going on, like, to wake up. So anyway, but that, you know, that dinner went south so fast. Like this

is not healthy for anybody. And like, regardless, this is not good. And Luke's like, you know, I totally agree. Like, okay, well, uh, I don't think you've done anything aside from defending your girlfriend, right? But we need to let you know, like, and then, and then Jason does this whole thing about like, you know, Bonnie and Clyde, didn't have to be Bonnie and Clyde. Like Clyde could have told Bonnie, don't rub that bank, make better choices. They could have had a nice life. Why are you blaming Bonnie? Who blames Bonnie? I've literally never heard that. I think Clyde was probably the mastermind.

Why is it like Bonnie dragged him into everything? I just sowed this show. Who is questioning Faye Dunaway? You're not gonna question, Faye Dunaway called the shots. Someone just sent me a clip of Faye Dunaway this morning. Of her trying. Really? Yes, of her trying to recite like a line

and then she gets messed up and then she basically Faye Dunaways it and basically says, could you get out of here? You're in my eye line. It's great. She's great. You're not going to question her. No, she used to go to the Starbucks on Fairfax that I lived right by in a big giant sun hat and everybody was terrified of her and I loved it. Oh yeah. This is life. This is living being in living right down the street from fade down away Starbucks.

Cause I felt like I lived up there. I think she lived down there. Right. I used to see her at the frozen yogurt place and she would pull up. She had like a white like Toyota and she pulled up and she got like this big ass. She would go, there was a frozen yogurt place called Angelina that used to be on Santa Monica Boulevard. And I just remember she got like the 28 ounce, just the biggest ones like, I'll take 28 ounces of plain please. And she would just get it and just leave

with this giant container of plain frozen yogurt. Okay, so yeah, he does the Bonnie and Clyde thing and basically blames Bonnie for everything, stupid Jason. So then Luke's like, wait, why are people still backing Jesse? I don't under... What are we talking about here? And Jason's like, well, look, look, his family's been under attack by your girlfriend for the last month. And listen, when Kristen was yelling at Jesse, she said something along the lines of, he wants to divorce Michelle? And Jackson's like, which is not true. That's not what was said at all. And I know as a very busy person, I'm a person who does a lot of things. And Link's like, well, the only thing I said

was after daddy daycare thing was that Jesse said jokingly, I don't think it's going to last another six months. So, and Jason's like, okay, but then Kristen took that information that you gave her and she twisted it and it came out of her mouth as Jesse wants to divorce Michelle and Janet hasn't been able to stop air crying ever since. And they're like, don't you see she twists stories. It looks like, I mean, I think that like when she's triggered, she just says something and like literally doesn't remember and Jackson said, there you go. You just said it. It's like, well, you know,

she messed up and he's like, yeah, but Kristen is like a known liar. She's a known liar. And Luke goes, Jax, Jax, really? How's how's hockey social media going? I know. Luke literally goes, you're a self-described pathological liar. And then they show a clip from 2015 of Jax, like Andy saying, are you a pathological liar? He goes, hey, I mean, I think everyone lies now and then. Right. And Lisa's like, no, no, they don't. So Jack's like, that was a decade ago.

I mean, what have you done a decade ago? Probably not things that you're proud of either. So I mean, look, there's times I'm fucked up, there's times I'm fucked up. You know, I was a terrible person. Now I'm a busy person. I'm a busy, busy person. I do so much now. I'm busy.

I'm so busy now. And then Jack trots out his well-worn monologue, which the show is happy to point out. He was like, guess what? I grew up. And then it's like five weeks ago. I've grown up. And then I turned 40. I got married. I bought a home. I worked my ass off to get to where I am right now and have a great wife, a great home. I started a business. I got a building. I built, I'm building a business and I got a building. I'm building a business. And I got everything in the world

that I could possibly, everything, everything. So Jax is like, yeah, you know, there's gotta be a point in your life where this clicks. You're with Kristen and she needs to learn that you can't just be a piece of shit forever. At some point, you have to pretend to be less of a piece of shit. Yeah.

It's called a story arc. Jason's like, put yourself in Jax's position. Don't you kind of feel like you would think like if you were him like that That Kristen's trying to ruin your life. He's like, um, no, I just think that like, you know He has a lot of stress and like I do empathize with him, you know Like he hasn't seen a boomerang in like three years It's weird and like his reactions have been like over the top and unacceptable at times But I understand them being triggered by anything being said about his family. I do I I was like, wait, where did this Luke come from? He hates Jesse. And now all of a sudden he's sympathetic to Jesse and like taking these guys side against his

own girlfriend. Well, because they're using the language that he has learned. So Luke is new to the whole LA lifestyle, right? And so he has been brainwashed by Kristin language, which is triggered. So if you're triggered, you can get away with everything because you're triggered and your feelings matter. Okay. So now they're saying Jesse was triggered by the stuff that she's saying. And so he's like, oh my God. So now Jesse wins because Jesse's triggered. You know, he's still new. He can't choose. He just he was triggered and he chooses a side. That's it. Yeah. And I think that,

well, I think he's also probably pissed because he told Kristin trigger and then you choose his side. That's it. Yeah, and I think that, I think he's also probably pissed because he told Kristen something and then she twisted it and turned it into whole things. So now he's like actually upset. So he says he's gonna go talk with her and he's like, Oh. Or that, yeah. That's much more logical. He's like, you know what?

I'm in no way defending Jesse, but I'm not blind and deaf and I'm gonna see what's going on. It's frustrating. I want to have Kristen's back 24 seven, but I just want to get over this. Just, just get past him. He knows they're right.

And when he says things like, you know, but Kristen was triggered and that's what she does. When she's triggered, she twists things and she lies. It's like, you know that that's going to be her excuse when she murders you, right? He triggered me and then he just ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times He had a cock-a-l-l he had a cock-a-l

So now Nia and Danny go on a double date with Michelle and Jesse and They are they're all sitting down making small talk and Jesse asked if they picked out a house because Danny and Nia want to move out of their shoebox of a apartment. And so Danny is well, it's a special shoebox because they've got like three kids. And so Danny's like, Hey, well, you know what? It's time to move. We are bursting at the same. And she's like, Yeah, well, Michelle and I talked like a while ago about the house situation and kind of looking for places and things like that. And she wants to move like a miracle mile west Hollywood and he's like honey no Santa Clarita am I right? Come on. Oh so they the drinks come and they all cheers and Danny and Nia do this cheers where they stare at each other and they're like cheers stare kiss and he goes yeah, that's our thing and Jesse and Michelle are like gross

Yeah, we don't do that. Please don't look at me every time he looks at me. I need to drink. Okay Jesse's like why are you guys? Why you guys keep on kissing? It's like you're kissing and then you pull back and then kiss and you pull back Oh our thing is also we do real life boomerangs. Is that a trigger for you to buy any chance? So, yeah, so they, so Danny really wants to move to Santa Clarita and I, that is, first of all, do you wanna be on the show? I know you're about to Santa Clarita shame,

so go ahead, I knew you were, I said pause for Ben to Santa Clarita shame. You know, I mean Santa Clarita, I actually, Santa Clarita shame. So go ahead. I knew you were. I said pause for Ben to Santa Clarita shame. You know, I mean Santa Clarita, I actually, there's Santa Clarita. I don't have, there's nothing inherently wrong with Santa Clarita. It's just pure suburbia. But what's wrong is when you're trying to be on the show and you're going to move way up there, like past Magic Mountain, which is a amusement park. It's not an actual mountain that's magic. There is a Red Lobster up there, which is good in Valencia. But that's like, it's so far,

and you're gonna, the cast is gonna have to go all the way up there, and then you guys have to come all the way down. And don't give me any of this bullshit of like, well, without traffic, it's a 25 minute drive. I know where Santa Clarita is, it's not a 25 minute drive. Everyone's gonna resent you. Nia's talking that she wants to go to Miracle Mile or WeHo.

That is, it'd be one thing if she was like, I wanna go to Granada Hills. And it's like, well, what about Santa Clarita? It's like, okay. But she, they are not on the same page. This is a huge red flag in their relationship to me. She wants to be in the city around exciting things. He wants to be near claim jumper.

Well, guess what? No matter what page they're on, they are figuratively on the exact same page and that page is covered in baby spew. Okay, so I don't think figure it out cause they're fucked now. So they talk about minivans and then they talk about Santa Clarita

and it just all makes me wanna die. So Danny's like then they talk about Santa Clarita and it just all makes me want to die. So Danny's like, but you in Santa Clarita, you can get a five bed, four bath, massive backyard for 1.2 mil up there. And he is like, yeah, it's like a million miles away. So it's a dollar per mile basically. I just don't know if I can do that. Yeah, but Santa Clarita, the cricket tent and the tree frogs chirping. They say that when God wakes up in the morning, the first thing he sees is Santa Clarita. So he is like, okay, we know we'll just whatever. So they're

just talking about this. And the producer is like, are you guys maybe on the same page? What about budget? And he goes, what budget? Your man is a under five voiceover artist, okay? The voiceovers that he, there's no shame in voiceovers. It's like my dream, but he didn't even mention the big ones.

I mean, he's doing under fives on the Walking Dead as the zombies. So, um, so then, uh, Jesse's like, so here's an interesting thing for me. We talked about a little bit today, Kristen, she's attacking our family every single week. And Michelle's like, specifically me, I want to say that I feel naive, because a lot of people learn me about Kristen and I'm now like have more of an understanding that what every single person has told me and I'm like, holy shit, how did I not see it? And she's like, and Mia goes, you know what, I'm just like so

postpartum hormones that I just like, I hate this, but like I can not listen to this. This is like, I'm hurting. Did you hear Minnie Van in Santa Clarita? I'm dying inside. I cannot listen to you talk about Kristen for five more god damn seconds. It's like whoa, whoa. Whoa, can we get the woman some cheesy rolls, okay?

No, it reminds me of Santa Clarita. Don't do this. She's having a hard time with the post-partum. She's like, no, I'm in a great mood. rolls. Okay. She's having a hard time with the post-part. She's like, no, I'm in a great mood. I just don't want to go to Santa Clarita. It's not postpartum depression. It's pleak. It's pre-Clarida depression. So, uh, Michelle's, you know, like holding, like Michelle is comforting Nia the way that Michelle can Which is to clasp her hand and stare at her coldly. So Michelle's like It's okay. You can call me anytime. Honestly, I will bring you a smoothie

Maybe not to Santa Clarita, but I'll bring it as far as hmm Burbank I Will hug you with words about how much of an asshole Jesse is. Please stop. I can't take it. She's basically like, I cannot take on your all's negativity. She's like, I'm dealing with positivity. Okay.

Yeah. She's like, I'm dealing with real things. I just left a party cause my boobs were leaking. Can we just please? Um, so, uh, Michelle's just looking at her like, what the fuck is wrong with this lady? You know? So then we go to Jackson and Brittany have a date night. Oh my God. It's just, if you thought it wasn't getting to more depressing than many vans in Santa

Clarita, here it is. Exactly. So they're packing up for the date night and Janet and Jason will be coming over to babysit and Brittany's like, Oh, JX, JX finally set up a date night, which I'm like super happy about, but he waits until my mom leaves town and schedules an overnight date night. Like the whole reason Jim's here is to watch Cruz. I'm just hoping that this date night's great and it kind of like helps us get back to our, you know, romance.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Romantic side. So then Janet and Jason come up to be like wacky babysitters and she's like, look, Cruz, there's Jason. That's your babysitter for tonight. And Jackson's like, one shot. You can have one. You can have one. All right. I mean, you're going to watch my kids. You're going to have one. You're going to need one. You want a line? Did you bring one? Do you have a line? I'm just kidding. Do you know your line? I don't think I do. Do you have a line?

Let's do it off cruises. Ask it a moment cruise. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Shh. Britney. Shh. Just kidding. Do another one. Do another one. And the producer is asking Jason if he has any experience with babies and young kids. And he's like, not really. I mean, you know, the whole baby holding thing, like when I think of it, the cost benefit analysis, like worst case scenario, I dropped this baby. Best case scenario, I'm just holding a baby. So I don't really understand why anyone wants

to hold these babies so badly. And I was like, thank you, Jason. You are now an early nominee for Bravo Liberty of the Year. You have now read my mind completely. Thank you. Thank you for articulating it and putting it on TV. But also stop splooging in people. You know what I mean?

Like, there are your limits. And that too. Got to plant. We've got enough emotionally fucked people in this world without a new father being like, fuck babies, am I right? Like, who needs them? It's time for a commercial.

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and basically Cruz running from one room to another and then to another room and then crying and then running. In a fetal position watching this. Uh huh. You're in the fetal position? You know, like, oh, I need to go to brunch with Gaze. I mean, this is my favorite kind of kid. He just tires himself out. Run, run. Here's some scissors.

Make yourself useful. Tucker yourself out. Yeah. So, uh, meanwhile, Luke sits down with Kristen. They need to have a talk. Capital T, just like the TV show that was canceled. So Luke is like, so, uh, after you make your drink, will you come sit down, you don't spill it everywhere. Okay. Thank you. All right. I'm gonna sit down. All right. Well, it sounds like a bomb just dropped, bro. Feels heavy. Feels weird. Scary. Well, uh, Jack, Jackson, Jason at bowling, they were like, people don't want to be around you and people are afraid of like allegations

that you're going to get. And so I was like, I'm not going to be around you. I'm going to be around you. I'm going to be around you. I'm going to be around you. Well, uh, Jack, Jackson, Jason at bowling, they were like, people don't want to be around you. And people are afraid of like allegations that aren't true. And they're coming out of your mouth when you're triggered. She's like, okay, okay. You just said triggered. I was triggering. He's like, well, you know, I'm talking about the claim that Jesse wanted a divorce in the next two months.

That's not something I ever said, Kristen. She's like, um, whoa. Hold on, let me move my head into 19 different positions so I can answer this in a way that you can understand, okay? You said, I actually lost my place on the page. You said he's planning on leaving Michelle in the next couple of months is what he said. I just want to point out that doing Chris Christian impersonations on this show while writing reading notes is our equivalent of doing Cirque du Soleil. It's like requires a certain amount of like coordination to like keep her.

Oh, seriously? Luke is like, no, I said he doesn't see it lasting more than the next couple of months. And I didn't say he wanted a divorce. And that's kind of, I think this is where people are calling you a liar. Okay. Is that a word is changed and that has different implications. Look at Jill. Look at, she's just shaking her head cause she knows Jill hates you. Okay. Well fine. Fine. Okay. All right. Jill's leaking. Damn it. Jill, did you eat a flower?

All right, we'll take care of that. Well, I heard that Jill's leaving you. How about that? Luke? No. I said we're going to dinner tonight. We're going to leave Jill behind. Oh, Oh, fine. I just, sorry. Fine. So he's like, you know, and where people are calling you a liar is cause a word changed. And then that has different implications. She was, oh, okay, okay then. Well, I mean, I agree then. I agree. End of story. And I'm sorry. That's me being completely honest and I'm not gonna yell at you later once the cameras are gone. I'm totally apologizing because that's how I am.

And that's how I roll. I'm very mature now. So, okay. Okay. Well, we're gonna, again, we're gonna need you to study your head there. Do you follow that like when a word or two is changed, it can change the whole meaning? Words are hard. Words are hard. Words are hard.

Fuck you, fuck you. See, like, why are you saying that? I meant, I love you. See, words, words, you can't just change out a word. You can't just change out a verb. You can't just change out of verb. They're hard. Words are hard. He's like, this is a really low spot for our relationship because it doesn't feel good seeing her so stressed out and upset and anxious. None of us, none of the happy go lucky Kristin. It's like, it's all gone. It's like,

her flames out. Can you remind us what happy go lucky Kristin looks like? Cause I'm not sure we've seen her in 10 years on Bravo. OK, this is Kristin. You know the sound when you're trying to turn on the gas stove, but it's not lighting, and it just goes, oh, oh, oh, oh. That's Kristin. There's no light.

Do you understand? She is the gas click. I am happy-go-lucky. Oh, what a beautiful evening. I am happy go lucky. Oh What a beautiful evening No, it's morning words matter. Oh, what a beautiful Sidewalk I got a beautiful acid wash jeans Everything's going my potato salad Everything's going my potato salad. I'm gonna wash that blood right out of my hair.

Kristen, you just turned Oklahoma into a serial killer musical. Oh, I'm sorry. I take responsibility. I was triggered by the corn scene. Hi. Sorry, Britt. That was a kite pop.

Sorry. So looks like, okay, well, how do you feel? I accept that the way, we'll do slow nods to show that I'm serious, that the way that I heard something and the way that I repeated it may not have been correct. And I'm not doing a but whatever. I'm not doing a but whatever. I'm not doing a but however

however You know exactly what the fuck you're doing Okay, and when you are terrified about skeletons that you have all you gotta do is push it. Okay, let's bring in the all Let's bring in our ex-boyfriend. How about bringing it? Why'd you terrorize Kristen Jodie? How about that? Kaka kaka kaka they know what that love that. However, they know what they're doing. When she said, I'm not going to do the butt or a however, and Luke's like, stop, let's stop talking about other people's skeletons. Just own it. Okay. Just say, I shouldn't have said that I messed up. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just, Oh,

hold on. I'm not going to say however, but I'm going to put a solidly place. I mean, I feel like that's all I say is I'm sorry. And he's like, no, you don't say it that way. You say I'm sorry, but, and that's not taking complete ownership for it, and I think if we're gonna move forward That's something that can't keep happening Kristen, and she's like if we're gonna move forward If if like are we a fucking joke like we're planning a family We're planning a future. We're planning a milkshake. Wrong word, my bad. Child, child.

When we work past this, when? Don't freak out on me right now. And don't freak me out. And he's like, do you agree that you do that sometimes? She says yes. So I think that we've nippled this in our buddies. He's like, words matter, Kristen. Okay, fine.

I can't do this with you right now. I mean, you're putting me in a bad spot, okay? Honestly, you're putting me in a bad spot by continuing to double down on these things and I feel like you're not even listening to what the real issue is. I'm like a bad spot. Dating Kristen is a bad spot.

You signed up for the bad spot. You just got electricity last month, sir. You don't have running water. You live in a bad spot. You signed up for the bad spot. You just got electricity last month, sir. You just have running water. You live in a bad spot for on purpose. You wedged your SUV, you wedged your your suburban, your use web, you wedged your Chevy Tahoe into a compact car spot. You put yourself in a bad spot. Yeah, so Kristen looks like, you know what, Kristen's, you know, you're not having a conversation. This isn't a conversation. It needs to be a back and

forth. Me lecturing you, you saying I'm sorry, a back and forth. And she's like, well, what do you want me to say? And he's like, we have to have progress. She's okay, let's get through it. I can do this. I am sorry that everybody tried to turn you against me and bullying. You're never bullying again. Sorry, words matter. You know what? This isn't a situation where I say I'm sorry. However, how question mark ever think about this thing? Two different words. So he's like, yeah, I can't get through her. I can't get through to her at all. So now we go to Jackson Britt's date night.

So did we already say Jackson Brittney's date night? Well, they were getting ready for the date night and now they're actually on the date night. When I said that there are worse things than many events in Santa Clarita, I meant Jackson Brittney, not Christian and Link. This show is basically a sitcom. It's like, okay, our first set is Jackson and Brittany's

house, the second set is the Mondrian. So now we're back at the Mondrian. So Jackson and Brittany go back to the Mondrian, and she's like, oh, Jackson's like, look at that, look at that door, penthouse. She's like, oh, penthouse, baby, this is cute. So they go in. And you know that he got this for free for filming at the Mondrian for that stupid hair loss party. It's like poor Jackson, poor Brittany.

It's like her date night is just whenever whatever Tuesday night Jackson could get for free from influencer night. Yeah, seriously. So they're looking at it and everything and they're like, Oh, this is cool. Jackson, how does the TV work? Just kidding. Just kidding. I'm really paying attention to tonight and they're like, oh, this is cool. Jack says, how does TV work? Just kidding, just kidding. I'm really paying attention to you tonight. She's like, I've got my gold, Iax.

And it's like, you know, I've heard stories about this happening where it's like, you know, marriage, you know, you lose that spark by like, I'm like, oh, that's not gonna happen to me. And then it did. Cause I started fucking other girls at the NPM. I just think the pressure's on me. And there's flowers all over the bed. She's's on me. There's flowers all over the bed.

Say, look, there's flowers all over the bed. Oh my God. Can we get over the flowers on the bed? I feel like this is the only show where that actually happens. If I saw fucking flowers on my bed, I'd be like, I hope you have a dust buster. Cause I'm not cleaning that shit up. Hey, you almost put some flowers on my bed.

I made that bed today. I paid a cleaner to come in and change those sheets. Now you got fucking flowers. If there's some tiny bug in my bed, I swear to God, you won't let me eat a Ritz with peanut butter in my bed. I made that bed today. I paid a cleaner to come in and change those sheets. Now you got fucking flowers. If there's a tiny bug in my bed, I swear to God, you won't let me eat a Ritz with peanut butter in my bed, but you'll put fucking organic things from outside. Great. Great job. If I see flowers on my bed, I'm just gonna be like, please tell me Jill's not anywhere nearby. You hear Jill's stomach gurgling all the way from the valley. The scene comes on. Jill's like, can't resist eating flowers. Jill's like, they taste so good.

You know Jill, to other dogs, Jill is like the dog who is lactose intolerant. You know, it's like, Jill, you want some cheesecake? I would, but you know, my stomach can't deal with it. That's what like. But then she eats it every, she eats it anyway and ruins everybody's night. Like everybody has to go home early.

Jill, why did you eat the cheesecake? Fucking Jill. Except it's a rose. Yeah. So, yeah, they've lost their spark. So she's like, what do you got playing, Jax? And he goes, you're looking at it. We got a beautiful chef coming to make us dinner.

And she's like, oh my God, they're going back here. Oh, how fancy. Yeah. Anybody need help picking sparkles, picking sprinkles off anything? So meanwhile we, meanwhile back at the house, Jason and Janet are babysitting Cruz and Cruz is running all over and they are exhausted and Janet's like, we are Cruz's bitches tonight, but it's also good because I've been able to gossip with that baby all night and Cruz is running all over and they are exhausted and Janet's like, we are Cruz's bitches tonight. But it's also good because I've been able to gossip with that baby all night long. It's the best night I've ever had.

So back at the hotel, sushi luxe comes to prepare the meal and Jack's like, it's amazing, right? It's like fish, but it's not cooked. Like people eat it raw with rice. it's amazing, right? It's like fish, but it's not cooked. Like people eat it raw with rice. You like rice, right? I asked them to wrap mine in a hot dog, but they said no, fucking fired. I'm so busy.

I have so much going on, Brit. He's like, no, I know we're a long way from that apartment, but like way over here. Look, remember, look, that was the old apartment there from Koreatown. Remember, hey, you excited about the bar opening? And she goes, yeah, yeah, but I mean, of course, but like, I just want to make sure you're not like there 24 seven, like the I am, but yeah.

And he's like, Oh no, no, I mean, I'm not going to be there for seven. Cause I'm like way too busy. Like that's, I'm so busy. I can't go to work. I'm so busy. So like, but I'll be there probably like three days a week or something like that, you know, work two or one or probably won't ever go. But you know, I'm just so busy, you know, work two or one or probably won't ever go, but you know, I'm just so busy, you know. Yeah, just every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Bye. And she's like, he goes, you know, and I just want you to know, like having more kids that requires more work and we're opening up a bar and you know, you're trying to add another kid to that. And she's like, um, well, the bar is going

to come second to another child. Right. And he's like, uh, I mean, I gotta work. I work so much. I mean, all this not work I'm doing for the bar is really intense. Like so many people on the bar that aren't me that are like expecting me to do so much of nothing that it's really hard keeping up with all of the nothing that I'm supposed to, you know, hair loss, like, I mean, I have to lose hair for that. So it's it's rough. Hi, we both will work.

OK, but we already said we're going to have another child. So are we starting to say that like, well, and we are starting. And look, we are trying to have that other child soon. He goes, oh, and she's like, well, we had to play. And that's what was happening. And why in the world is he doing this to me? I can't believe it. It's almost like he would have lied to me.

I never saw Jax tell a lie to anyone before in my life. Brittany, Jax does not want another child. He's telling you what you want to hear. So you'll shut up. And now you're trying to make him do it. And so he's opening quote unquote a bar. So he has somewhere to escape to every night. What are you not getting?

Like you need a better gay. You need a gay to explain to you what's exactly what's happening. unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, unquote, And like with this verbal I'm just like worried like like all this like bringing another child into the world Is it gonna like take away from the focus that we need to put on cruise right now?

So he's just coming up with excuses and now he's gonna blame cruise for this And bring his like well cruise is gonna always have what he needs and I'm upset that you're making me feel like that Like that. I'm not putting cruise first, which I've always put cruise first. Okay girls But by the way, I'm fully on her side about this is both like you can have, you know me, I you know, I can't stand kids. So I'm never going to advocate for more kids on this earth much like you did earlier this episode. But if you are actually trying to have a family, you can have a second child that's not going to take away from the first child's, you know, development, etc, etc. I mean, well, no, am I in trouble with parents now?

Like, how could you say that? You don't know what I'm just gonna say. I don't know why this is such a zero sum situation. Either he works at the bar or they have a kid. Aren't there a lot of people who have kids and work at the exact same time in life? Don't they just want another kid He just don't want another kid. He was looking for an escape hatch. He does not want a kid. That's it. I mean, I don't know. Here's the thing. I think he's led her on and told her they're going to have this big family and they're going to do this and she wants kids and he's going to do it and they're going to do it. And now he's trying to

back out and yeah, that's shitty. But at the same time, you should, I don't even want you to have kids if you want to have them. I certainly don't want you to have them if you don't want to have them. And when you know your husband's going to be gone at the bar, like what kind of kid is that going to be? Just raised by a bar, you know? Like, well, actually I was raised by a bowling alley bar and look at me, I'm doing great. I'm doing great, but you know what I mean. But by the way, I don't know. I don't know. I also like being on Jack's side at all about anything. Here's advice, though, is if somebody doesn't want to have a baby with you, don't have a baby with that person.

Please do yourself a favor. Find someone else to have a baby with. There's plenty of them out there. Lots of sperm. Britney's insecurities are also coming out here because when he's like, you know, if we are to take what Jax is saying at face value, which I hate to do. at face value, which I hate to do. But if he is and says, if he's afraid that Cruz is not going, he's gonna fall behind with his development timeline if there's another kid, Brittany being like, oh wow, you're saying that I'm not putting Cruz first? He actually didn't say that, but I think that's

her insecurity in this situation because he comes down on her so hard. So now her insecurity I think is really triggered. So now she's really getting upset. And so she's saying how she cares about Cruz more than anything in the entire world. And he's like, I never said that, Brittany. And now you're going to, oh my God,

now you're deflecting. They're going to other things. I said if another child comes into this world, if, if, if, words matter, just wanna say words matter. But I live for my kid, I live for him. And literally the only thing I don't care about in this world is him, okay? And he's like, oh my God, don't cry.

There's no reason to cry, okay? It's the alcohol crying, that's the alcohol crying. I'm like, oh my God. Well that makes me sad. And he's like, well there's no reason to be sad. She goes, I can't even have an emotion? And he's like, no you can't. You can't cry about something like this. I'm like,

but you promised her a kid and now you're saying no kid. I think she's allowed to cry about that actually. Yeah. So Brittany's like, I just don't even feel like I know him right now. I mean, he's just blindside me. I'm a great mom. I'm a great wife. And it almost feels like I've done something wrong and I know I haven't. So if fucking so you have done something wrong. You've married Jax. Like how many times do you need to be told? Can you not hear me through this television screen that I'm screaming into every single week? I've been screaming at you for a decade.

Can you not hear me? Please. He's like, I'm just like banging on the glass. Listen to me. Do I need to get Koopa Troopa wig for you to listen to me? You're like at the end of The Graduate. Diane. So Jax is like, I'm just always scared. Like, you know, like what if something's going to happen? Like what if she's like, but we have to be in this together because I understand that. But like I have to work three days a week for four hours, maybe two hours hours really and my job considers me you know like my job I need to leave the house my job yours doesn't she's like what the bar is supposed to be both of us we're both gonna leave this okay

I was the one who suggested we get chairs in that bar if I didn't say chairs nobody would be sitting down okay It would truly be standing grip only. So he's like, yeah, but like you're going to bar six or seven months pregnant. It's like, it is possible to act. I know this is a wild notion. The women who are pregnant are able to leave the house. I'm so surprised that he's not getting her pregnant on purpose. So she he has an excuse to be like, you know, you're pregnant, you can't go to a bar. There's no babies a lot in bar, but it's inside of me.

Still a baby. So he has this such an antiquated, like, I mean, this, Jack's logic makes no sense. And I feel actually generally bad for Brittany here because like, it's, I feel bad as she is realizing another layer of the piece of shit that she married. You know, that's, and I was saying it last week and I really do feel it every week when I watch his show and look, I know we make fun of Brittany like crazy on this show and we are kind of heartless with it because it really just is over the top. Like I get it,

but I do feel for Brittany cause Brittany seems like a somewhat likeable person, you know, and she seems somewhat real in all of this and like feeling what she's really feeling on TV. She just makes such boneheaded decisions and she married one. And it's like, I can't, there's just only so much you can do before you have to say enough, you know, like, I can't answer your calls anymore. Like you don't listen. And Jax is like, I don't think Brittany sees the big picture the way I see it, which is hilarious, that he would see any sort of big picture.

And he's like, she sees rainbows and butterflies and money grows on trees in the backyard. I'm like, I guarantee she's not seeing that. I think she's just trying to paste those on to what she sees, which is like smokestacks and coal and muck. And she's like, just trying to stamp a rainbow on there because this is a sad view that she has

right now. Yeah. And he's like, I mean, I just can't think of anything more overwhelming right now than bringing another child into this world. And you know, Brittany doesn't see it. And do I keep on working on my marriage or do I just throw another kid in the mix when everything's already going to shit I mean it's not gonna help our marriage is it is it it's gonna make it worse it's gonna be a kid's gonna make it worse and so then he says he says well we need a plan I'm a planner hilarious I'm a planner I'm sorry it's just who I am she goes but you don't even do

anything I take care of everything and which we've seen a million times the season with the kid and he That's a slap in the face right there as if he hasn't just been telling her this entire argument That he's the one who takes care of everything So then she's like, but I take care of everything and she's like the only one whose job that's important He's the only one that like he's such an ass. She's the only one really like like as we've seen like She's the only one who's really tending to that kid. He just barks at her.

When the cameras are on, he says, be quiet around the kid so we can listen. That's all he does. Everything else we've seen for the kid, she has done. Literally, we've barely even seen him look at the kid. Yeah. Actually. So now she's back peddling.

You know that it's true that she does everything, but now that's his trigger. So he's like, how dare you accuse me of doing nothing? You think that house built itself? You didn't pay for that house. Who the fuck are you kidding? And I love that she told him, well, we paid the same amount of money for that house.

So I don't know what you're talking about. I know totally, totally deflated this image that he's trying to do. And he's like, oh, so he gets up from the table and walks past the camera crew into the other part of their suite. And that's the end of the episode. Oh, I thought he left.

I thought he left the room. Oh, he may have. I was like, this is very, this is very convenient. You know, he did leave. Jack starts a fight on date night in West Hollywood, his old stomping ground where he can go call his boys and go fuck a go fuck TV fans. That's a cursed ass hotel.

Jack sucks, but you know what? It is comforting that I mean, things change in the world so fast and it's so nice to have something consistent, even if it's just pure shit, the pure shit toxic human being, you know? Yeah, I get it. All right, well that was a delight by the way. Thanks everyone for listening. We still have Summer House coming up this week

and let me tell you, it's great. We'll catch you on the next episode. My head is gonna pop right the fuck off for that. If you guys think that we're activated today, wait until tomorrow. That's what I've got to say thanks everyone for being here and we will catch you on the next episode bye watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors ain't no thing like Alice in King Ashley Savoni she don't take no baloney strollingroll in the park with Kaitlyn Clark.

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