Watch What Crappens - #2415 RHONJ, Part 2: Off the Rails

Episode Date: May 6, 2024

*This is part 2*The Real Housewives of New Jersey (S14E01) is back, and tensions are predictably high. Will the women be able to get past their issues?  And is it true that John Fudah was a drug dealer with a dildo fetish? Just some of the pressing questions oozing out of Franklin Lakes. Grab tickets for our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad free on Amazon Music. Download the app today. Hi, I'm Misha Brown and I'm the host of Wondery's podcast, The Big Flop. Each episode, comedians join me to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Follow The Big Flop wherever you get your podcasts. Hi everyone, welcome back. This is part two of a two-part recap. If you're wondering where What happens when there's so much that happens? Jen's like, well, you know, Teresa called me on my birthday. That was very, very nice of Teresa. Very, very nice. I got a little orbits on my vagina after that. Seriously, you fucked yourself with a toothbrush

because Teresa called you and said hello. Is orbits a, is that a gum? It's a toothpaste, right? It's a gum. Okay, well don't masturbate with gum. It's even more painful. Jen Fessler only masturbates with extremely painful things. So yeah, she says that Danielle DM'd her and stuff

and yada, yada, yada. And so she says, Theresa called her and Margaret goes, well, as far as I'm concerned, she's dead to me. And I mean that, her and her husband, dead. D-E-A-D, dead. And then Jen's- Well, if someone called my kid and if someone threatened my kid, that would be it too. Well, except my kid told me I couldn't play guitar today, so threaten the bitch. Okay.

But any other day, I would have been very, very upset. I get it. And we see a flashback to the reunion of Marge confronting Louis about how he called her son's work and threatened him. That's crazy. I mean, I've really forgot how much crazy shit has gone down on this show. Exactly, and remember he was claiming it was like,

he was hacked or something like that. So Jen is like, well, you know what? Teresa's always been very nice to me. And Teresa's always been absolutely lovely to me. I mean, does she know who I am? I don't think so. Does she call me Barbara? Sometimes, but you know what though?

What I would like to do is talk to Teresa Teresa and say look explain this to me which by the way Jen You're really setting yourself up for failure by having Teresa explain anything Like she that's just not something that she's really capable of doing whether it's a fight whether it's just like gravity Whether it's apples like Teresa. It's apples, like Teresa explains things like instructions and my key of furniture. She's just saying, and then the flood goes into L and then you get the, you know, my favorite part of Teresa explaining things is that she usually starts with like two sentences and then she says some sort of gobbledygook goop and then she takes her hands she spread that all her fingers and then moves them like in a circular motion and

It goes you know what you mean? You know what I mean? Like if you say Teresa explain lamps So, you know like if you want like land light, but you're like in your living room But you got like you want to read and stuff So you got like it's like a thing you put in the water. You like you know it's a thing there's a light you know what I mean she just gets lost in her own description well she was doing a lot of like spirit fingers today where she was just like oh yeah well here's what I saw and she's like just like taking her hands from clothes to like flinging them open and spirit fingers and then moving them around

and doing it over and over. It was a big day for spirit fingers on this one. So Margaret says, don't talk about me. Do not talk about me with Teresa, okay? I just don't want it. And Jen's like, oh, I know. I remember when it went down, you said, I never want to see these people again.

And did I say to you, did I say to you, Margaret, I respect that and I'm not ever gonna see these people again. And did I say to you, did I say to you, Margaret, I respect that and I'm not ever gonna see those people again either. Do you remember that? And guess what? I meant it. Then why are you talking about how you wanna go have lunch with Teresa?

I know. Margaret goes, and you know what? I don't want to ever talk about her again, okay? Is that okay? I'm like, yeah, good luck. You just happened to be on a show where you're actively talking about her right now, in fact. So she's like, that's okay.

You know what, instead of talking about Teresa, why don't I sing as the saints go marching? You know what? I think it's time for me to talk to Teresa. Okay, you know what, talk about Teresa. Talk about Teresa. You know what, Teresa, I wanna mend. Let's mend.

Let's see the dance. Put her on this microphone. She's about to do's see the vans. Put around the microphone. She's about to do, she's about to do a hole in the bucket and that song just goes on forever. So we need to really fix this, Teresa. Delta Wayhab's about to sing a ditty, Teresa. Come over here, let's hug.

There's a hole in the bucket, dear lads. Okay, Teresa, get over here quickly. Come on, you gotta save me. So then we see a double date with Pauly Dolores and Lee, Lee and Louis, Tree and Louis. So they go to this restaurant and Paulie is like, I'd love to order something that's not Italian food. It makes me sick.

It's like, yeah, Paulie can eat a bit of Italian food. He's allergic to it. All Italian food, all Italian food. I'm not even lying to you. I can't have a bitch. She's like, Yeah, he had a meatball. He could he was sick for two days. I can't even cook over there. All I know is Italian food. I mean, who can't eat a meatball? Was the meatball cooked? Because that might explain a lot. This is this is what we call Italian sushi. Raw meatballs. How can meatballs

kill you? If God you know, there's a song from color purple. Well, I don't know if it's from color purple. I know it from color purple. God is trying to tell you something. Listen, okay, your man is throwing up for meatballs. This is not the man for you. Yeah, I, I, I've heard of allergies to foods. I've never heard to allergies to like, um, genres, food genres, ethnicities, countries, entire countries where it's worth it. Food. I'm sorry. I can't have food from that region.

Teresa has a bombshell Announcement we had two girls from Patterson, but we're with two guys that are not Italian But they have Italian names Paulie and Louie Louie's like yeah, we're lucky man, huh? So when you when you're gonna put a ring on her finger? That's what I want to know Huh, huh? When we're gonna put a ring on her finger, that's what I want to know Huh, huh? Huh? When we're gonna put a ring on the finger. So are we gonna have another can Dolores? Just sit down Can Dolores just have a fucking break without you people? Constantly asking her when she's gonna get married get off her ass for Christ's sake her man's barf She's with the man who's barfing from meatballs. Can we just like settle on that for a minute?

She's with a man who is just trying to breathe in his baby gap polo, okay? So he's like, oh, well, I mean, I really have to get divorced first, right? Yeah, I wouldn't feel comfortable getting engaged without his divorce being final. That's how I feel. I mean, is it ideal that he's not divorced?

No, I don't love it. But I just serve him poisonous meatballs until he gets gets those papers. Yeah, I'm so, um, Teresa like, yeah, you know what? They got to be to that one drama. Yeah. So then Louie says like, so Gabby told me last night, our gap, our gap, not your gap. She said that she's going back for two days between when she leads and Christmas and that's it. So how did you deal with it?

How'd you deal with your Gabriella going away? Were you like a man? What did you say? Be a man, be a man. Don't cry about it, Louie. Don't cry about it. No, I went loony. I started buying things.

I started building stairs without railings on them. I got another couple of dogs. I said, go close to the railing, just to see if they would go over, if they were smart enough to know that there's no railing on the stairs. You know, I was just losing my mind. I would walk from the living room to the kitchen

to the dining room to the living room to the kitchen to the dining room to the living room to the kitchen, triangle after triangle after triangle. Yeah, well, we're gonna miss our daughter so much. And Lou is like, yeah, Gabriella was the most reserved one when I first met her. And now, she says a lot like, get out of my face or I can't wait to move out. Are you even my real parents? And Polly is like, well, I got to love you from Frankie.

Doris is like, Lou, let's drop it. Are you going to go to Jen Fest's party? Let's talk about Jen Fest's party. And he's like, yeah, I'm going. Why wouldn't I go? I'm so excited to go. Jen Fest's party. You know that lady fucks herself with a toothbrush?

By the way, not to take away from Paul, his experience, but when he says that Frankie said, he got an, I love you from Frankie. I feel like Frankie tells everyone that he loves them. Right? Like he'd go to the bank and be like, all right, Mr. Ketan, yes. So here's your, here's your, your deposit's done. And here's your receipt.

Thanks, love you. I just feel like he does it. He's so affectionate. He's like me, he just gives away the love yous. I give love yous away to everybody. Someone told me once, I love you is more important than just saying it so casually. I was like, no, it's not good. I could also hate you just as easily. You know what I mean? I give away the love very easily, but I also give away the hate.

That's just how I ask how I roll. Also Frankie should be in a good goddamn mood and love everybody. He gets like 10 blow jobs a day. I will never forget when his mom was like, yeah, I went to see Frankie at school. You know what he's got? A blowjob bell. He blows it and people come give him a blowjob. I will never forget that as long as I live. Of course he's fucking happy.

I'd tell everybody I loved him too. He's constantly drained. He's got no poison inside of him as Joe Gordon would say. Nothing left. You know what I have to say, Louis was like such a gentleman. He texted John Fuda the other day. It was Fuda.

Yeah, and he said we can meet for a cup of coffee. And Louis is like, yeah, yeah, just to clear the air. And then we see a flashback to them texting. And Teresa saying like, did John respond yet? Yeah, yeah, he said thanks? Yeah. He said, thanks for texting. Can you just like talk at Jennifer's party? So he wants to speak at Jennifer's party. I prefer not to talk at Jennifer's party, but it's going to give me an opportunity. So you give an opportunity for all the millions to chime in. Yeah. We're not about the minions

says Teresa who literally that has been her, her whole thing for like 10 years on the show is sacking millions on people. Yeah. So, um, they're like, well, you know, you guys should talk. We gotta have a talk about it. And probably it's like, well, like to be honest, it's a private conversation. It should have it in private. And so, uh, of course the food is like, we're doing this on TV, which either way it would probably be on TV. Right. So then they start about how they get along with everyone else and Theresa's like,

yeah, you know, I like Danielle's and she's awesome and then Jennifer's great, she's in Italy right now. Polly's like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, sorry, it's at Italy around Pauline, sorry Pauline. That's all right, I just have to just look at just look at a far off object and count to 20. So then Dolores, like what about Margaret? Well, I'm going to see Margaret and go, hello, how are you doing?

But like I don't speak to my brother or Melissa. And Dolores is like, what are you going to say, hi to them? No, absolutely not. Frank told Louie that they all met at Margaret's house and that was before New York happened. And like, they decided to have a plan to go against Louie and I. Yeah, so her accusation is before the reunion,

people got up to talk about what they were going to talk about at the reunion. And guess who does that? Literally everybody who's ever been on these shows, you're going to need something stronger. Like you weren't on the phone with fucking Jen before the reunion. It's called preparation. Okay. Yeah.

Literally all of last season was about how Teresa and Jennifer got on the phone to with Danielle too. Right. Or no, just Teresa and Jennifer got on the phone to talk about how they're going to use Laura against Margaret. So like, this is just like standard fare. And as we're going to find out, Teresa and Jen have been spending this season getting the bloggers to go after the ex-wife of John Foodie to get all this stuff to start this season, which Teresa is being so heavy handed about. Oh yeah, you got double dildos up your butt.

Um, so then, uh, we see a flashback to the reunion where Frank is saying, uh, Frank, or Andy's asking Frank, let's be heard. Frank is working with Louie. Huh? What happened with that? And they're talking about how Frank, uh, Frankie found another job. We're very grateful to Louie, but that is all I'm gonna say about the subject. I will not say another thing about the subject. Frankie is very, very happy.

It has not Louie. Thank you very much. I'm not gonna say anything. Not gonna say they gotta bring it up first. They gotta bring it up first to law. Um, which to me, I don't think that that was such a damning thing to say, be like, I'm not gonna cast the first stone. So Teresa says, Yeah, so then after New York, my husband, we set the frank and they made up and he said, I just want you to know they all came up with a plan to try to take Louie and myself down. And Brittany and I did not go and we want no part of it. So thank you, Frank Senior for that one. again, like I, every single reunion this happens, I have to imagine. I don't think it's like that crazy that everyone decides to get all their ducks in a row and figure out like,

okay, Teresa's probably gonna say this. So when she says this, what are you gonna say in response? And then Teresa's like, yeah, and then y'all told me that Jim Fessler told the other side of the couch, you guys there executed the plan like you were supposed to huh? and Polly's like yeah, and and so Polly heard it too and Teresa's like yeah

So that like confirms what Frank said which it doesn't but you had to Paulie I mean you'd have to be deaf if you didn't hear it. Am I right? Oh Okay, so he had it too tool so there I'm it's proven So I don't really understand this one So was this just something that happened at the reunion where Jennifer Fessler was like, oh you guys didn't finish what you were supposed to do I mean you had a plan you didn't execute it Yeah, so she said it like it was like what I bet it sounds like she was saying something like you guys didn't land You didn't do the plan that you said you're gonna do and Polly heard her say that

So it's confirmed that there was a plan because Jennifer Fessler even acknowledged that there was a plan at the reunion Yeah, so Dolores is like I mean that's normal people talking shit before a reunion like whatever and so Teresa like you know What is so sappy and so and so sad when two people are happy that everybody got to try to bring them down. Cause everyone's jealous of me and Louie. I don't really think, no one is jealous of you and Louie. I'm so sorry. You married a broke eggplant. Okay. You're going to spend the rest of your life being drained by this man. Nobody is jealous, Teresa.

Run, you in danger. Arianna's just jogging by. You in danger, girl. So, now it's the day of the birthday party, so Teresa picks up Jennifer Aiden and. Ah, I'm so excited to be here with you. Yeah, baby, you look fantastic. I love this.

You look very tan. I didn't really lay out too much while I was away. I was in satin, yeah baby. It was more like sat seeing and stuff like that baby. No, I'm not in the same scene. It's like everything's always moving in slow motion. Cause she can't stop blinking in Italy. I don't get it. So she's like, what time is Bill surgery tomorrow?

Oh baby, he had two surgeries today. He said something about having to go in from the rear. I don't know what it meant, but I didn't ask any questions. So Teresa is saying that her husband can't come today because he's got a business meeting for whatever it is that he's pretending to do these days. I guess Leeds, he's got a business meeting. Maybe he and Todd are working on something together in the world of real estate down in Florida.

So then everyone starts showing up for the party and, you know, doing the regular, let's get shit face girls. And Rachel says hello to Danielle and they're like, why aren't we friends? Because you guys got caught up in the factions, you know? They got caught up in like, who should we be friends to stay on this show? But now they've both survived the odds and both got a second season, which is pretty rare for noobs. So they're like, we should be nicer to each other now because we both got a second year, you know? Yeah, exactly. And so they're like talking about how they like last week, they went

to lunch and Rachel burped. And Danielle's like, Oh, I hate burping more than anything in the world. And then Rachel burps. And she's like, Oh, my my god that was a big one that was a big one and now they're friends and that's it so that sometimes it just takes mutual burping jokes and then boom you're in you know so Marge joins him at the bar and she's like oh wow look at you new new fan bffs i need a drink okay please don't make it with anything bow tie. I can't, I mean, I'm still stuffed. So then the Joe, meanwhile, the Joes are catching up. They're all Joes. So Joe's like, hey, what's up with you? And Fudo's like, nothing.

I got accused of all kinds of shit every day in my life. You know what I mean? Ah, and then we cut over to Teresa and Jen, who seem to be driving past the same Mida station every time we cut to them. They're just like circling around the muffler shop. And Jennifer's like, so I heard about some kinky shit with John Foote. Don't you hear about that baby? Oh yeah. I've seen it all over the place and I didn't even say

anything to any blogger about it. It is. And then we see her talking on the phone with with Louie earlier because he can't come. So she's like, oh yeah, food is gonna miss you, Lena, because so much came out on the internet, says he was like the biggest drug dealer in Bergen County, likes purple double-sided dildos, like he's gonna need you there, Louie. I like that Teresa, like she can't just wait

for the next most convenient time to bring it up. She's like, we're still doing this in the first episode, whether you're here or not, okay? If I got to do it on FaceTime while you're waiting for your leads convention, I'm gonna fucking do it on FaceTime. Yeah, so back to the present, Jennifer's like, the devil side of tilda baby.

And Teresa goes, yeah, I saw that. I mean, it's all over social media. I mean, what's in your blood item like that from about John Fuder? Wow, he's like a little kinky bitch in the bedroom, if you know what I mean, what's the thing applied on him like that from about John Fuder? Wow, he's like a little kinky bitch in the bedroom if you know what I mean, baby. He's like a fox on the block and that fox has a dildo in it.

Ha! And then we see a tweet by TVSecretsRevealed. And it says, who gives a shit about John Fuder using a dildo? A lot more men than those who are openly gay use it and or experiment, I bet Gorga has, huh? The REAL tea is everything else, particularly the son of one with his grandma and not John until Rachel, plus John's drug dealing past. So a lot of this came out last

season, but I guess it's just making it onto the show this season. And part of this is the food is on fault with the whole bringing up that the mom was a drug addict and all of this stuff and she's in jail and all that. I know that's like partly her story, I guess, but they opened a floodgate when they did that because now this lady is like, Oh, yeah, I was a drug addict because he was the dealer. And she's saying that food basically got he he wanted custody of the kid so he filed a custody paperwork and then she never got the paperwork so she didn't know she was supposed to be anywhere and then boom, the judge took away custody and she had no say in it.

They just took away the custody and that he didn't even keep the kid, that he sent it straight to his mother's house and so he didn't raise that kid until he was married to Rachel Fuda and yeah, it's gotten pretty dirty over there at the beginning. And this is all before the season even starts. Wow. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. In the climate ravaged year of 2072, the city of Pura stands as a miraculous green haven, a geo-engineered paradise that protects fortunate residents from the global catastrophes of heat domes, fires, floods and droughts.

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But my favorite part about these feuds is how they're ignited by the tiniest things. Jada, I love you. G-I. Jane too. Can't wait to see it. I accidentally laminated my brows too much. It starts small, and then it gets so big. Hey, honest Naomi, I'm fearful of you to this day. I don't know her. We all just have to admit, we're addicted.

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Well, Fuda's like, well, apparently the thing on the internet is I like dildos and figures in my ass. So apparently they got my baby mama making a comment. So what are you gonna do? Let's toast, toast to dildos. Ha ha, toast to dildos. So they toast. And then Dolores and Polly arrive and then

All the everyone's just like a showing up Melissa grabs Dolores by the butt and she's like, oh my god your butt I had to make sure someone's pinching it. Huh? And so Melissa's asking how Frank is Frank now move Frank has moved in with Brittany I would not moved in, but they've moved to Franklin Lakes and live apparently like across the street from Melissa. But we don't see any Frank this episode, which surprised me a little bit. They're very, they're maybe they get married. Who knows? I hope so. Um,

I just sent you in your text, the John Fuda release for immediate release for John Fuda. Release. For immediate release. John Fuda responds to Jersey castmates attempt to disparage his character. John Fuda, esteemed entrepreneur and philanthropist, has issued a statement in response to recent attempts by his fellow castmates on the Real Housewives of New Jersey to bring up his past in an effort to cast him in a negative light. In recent episodes of Real Hustlers of New Jersey, certain cast members have resorted to dredging up Mr. Fudo's past in an apparent attempt to discredit him and undermine his reputation. And despite these efforts, Mr. Fudo remains steadfast in his commitment to integrity, honesty, personal growth, and highly manicured beards. While I am not proud of every aspect of history, I've worked tirelessly to overcome challenges and strive for a better future.

I refuse to be defined by my past mistakes or a couple of dildos in my bunghole. A respected figure in his community, John Fuda has dedicated himself to numerous charitable causes that we won't even bother to list here because they're just so numerous and business endeavors. His contributions to society far outweigh any missteps of his past, which I guess dildo is a misstep. And he remains focused on making a positive impact on the world around him. Again, we won't outline where he's done that or give specifics on where he has

been a philanthropist, but we can all assume that anytime you see a starving child, the last time they ate was because of John Futa. Have you seen all those starving children under the freeway underpass with missing teeth? It's because they've been eating tile supplied by John Fuda and it quotes him I'm grateful for the support of my friends family and fans who see me for who I am today a very newly thin person dedicated to growth kindness teeth and authenticity I will continue to rise above negativity and remain true to my press play on the national anthem in parentheses myself and finally i just would like to end this by saying can i speak can i speak are you going to

keep interrupting me can i speak because i'm not going to keep doing it if i can't speak thank you so he basically ends that mr food is response serves as a reminder, everyone deserves a chance to evolve and move forward. Please for interviews, call Fuda Communications at gmail.com. And then there's a bio at the bottom that says, about John Fuda. John Fuda is a respected entrepreneur, philanthropist and television personality known for his appearances on The Real Housewives of New Jersey. With a passion for business and giving back to his community, Mr. Fuda has become a beloved figure among fans and supporters.

Wow. Respected entrepreneur and philanthropist. Fuda, Fuda, Fuda, Fuda. Oh, say can you fool her? Wow, well, yeah, that was quite the statement that happened there. So you dealt drugs, I mean, what are you saying here? Like, let's compare that to what they're accusing you of.

Dildos and drug dealing. Okay, you know what? I dealt some drugs. I'm sorry that I own my own business. You know, as a young man who just wanted a business, okay? Sorry. I know, I think that this is a lot of panic over this dildo and I guess Teresa forgot that her ex-husband

proudly sells sex toys, so I don't know. It's weird. I know, that's so weird. Like, are we shaming dildos now? Because that is kind of your, your children's second income. I'm like, as far as I can tell, uh, you've been, you've been the one who's been talking about dildos since you came on this show. Okay. I still remember the little ring you put on Joe, Joe, judice's Dick or whatever. And then to help with the blow jobs. Like I'm a good blower. I'm a

good blow. I like giving blowies. So, you know. Well, but it's like gay stuff, you know? Yeah, it's the gayness of it all. Like they consider it gay. It's the gayness of it all, yeah. So back at the bro bar, Fulida's like, yeah, you know, oh yeah,

fingers on my ass. I already said that. So they all toasted dildos or whatever. And then Dolores and Polly come. And so the boy heads to the bar and the girl heads to the girls. And Melissa comes up and grabs her ass and she's like, ah yeah, just had to make sure this ass was still here.

So you're here with Pauly, that's great. When's he gonna marry you? Still not married, huh? Look at every, Dolores, I'm married to Dolores over here everybody. Okay. Well, Melissa never fucking learned her lesson. Dolores has let Melissa have it numerous times over this and Melissa still walks right up.

I just wish Dolores would turn around and be like, wow, did you redo your house again yet? Because it's still being mocked on the internet. You tasteless fucking heritin. Get out of my face. What about if she just said, the real question is not when I'm gonna get married, it's when you're gonna get divorced.

So, Theresa is there. So Jennifer, Teresa comes in and says hi. And she says hi to like, she's saying hi to everyone. And Joe, Judeice is like not even turning around to look at her. So she's like sort of saying she's very close in proximity and then walks by. And Jennifer Aiden is like, that was so fucking awkward, baby.

That was so weird, I didn't know what to do with myself. And Theresa's like, yeah, whatever, hi, hi, hi, hi Margaret, hi. And Margaret's like, hello. And then just jets out of there, yeah. You know what, everybody, let me tell all the girls, Theresa just walked past me and she said hello,

and I, you know what I said? I said hello, and then I walked past. I walked right past. I'm so over. I love watching these ladies act like they're in the second grade, like seriously, come on. And they're all doing it, you know? So then the producer's like, so how do you feel

about being with Teresa, Melissa? She's like, I feel nothing. You're giving nothing. And they said nothing can get a girl transferred. And then Melissa could never. Could never. So more like a Horace line. So now we're starting to see the first signs of problems with Margaret and Jackie because Melissa tells Jackie,

Oh, I got a pre copy of your book. When's your book getting married by the way? And Jack's like, Oh yeah, well, you know, because I'm going to be on your podcast. And then Margaret's like, Well, you know what? I would like to read it as well. I did not get a copy and I'm like your best friend. And Melissa's like, Well, she's doing my podcast. And she's like, Oh, all right. So I have to invite you on the podcast to get a copy of the book.

Yeah. Um, so that's, I think the first signs of the problem or when Jackie last year came out with stuff that was like, all the girls are on a Zempik and it's disgusting that this bot, you know, she started going off on all that. I knew it was over. It's like, that's, that's it. You can't Ozempic shame people and expect them to still want to hang out with you. Listen, you were friends with me when I was eating 10,000 calories a day and now you won't be friends with me when I'm eating three pieces of bow tie pasta.

You're not my real friend. That's it. You know what? Yes. No, I'm just saying that this is like the show starting to be like, look, things are not right. They're like not having smooth. Oh yeah. Yeah. Totally. Yeah. And, uh,

because clearly that was Zempik stuff is, is where the rift is. And so, Jack ending up the end, the Zempik fight. So we can see like, they're not like, there's not like a huge amount of joy between them right now. So then Jen Fessler is arriving and She walks in and takes her like a moment to notice everyone. And she's like, all right, well, here I am. Oh, when the Jen Fessler goes marching in.

Sorry, I'm just preparing for later on today. Doing a performance. So then she's semi-surprised basically. So Danielle comes past and she's like, hello, hello, hello. And walks off and Jackie's like, oh, hello, hello, hello, and walks off. And Jackie's like, oh, you look fabulous. Oh, you know, that was weird. I mean, she could have said hello to me.

And they're like, but she did say hi. But I mean, like a real hello that was just such a fast. But she said hi. They both said hi. She goes, oh, well, you know, it was just so fast. She ran away. She literally ran away from me. Well, I mean, what is she on, a zempig?

Is she just that thin now that she just glides past like the wind? I don't know. Did you give her a book or also that's what I wanna know. She was probably running to a trunk to get the book that you gave her to get signed. Yeah, I'll just say it. So now Teresa and Jan and Danielle and Dolores

are at the bar together and Teresa's like, oh my God, my hair is as heavy as my wedding day. You guys want to talk about my wedding? I got my album! Ah, blink blink blink blink blink. Oh my god, did you guys interact with Margaret at all? She walked in, she said hello to me, I was shocked. I was shocked, baby.

But she was so fucking nice to me, I just took it. I took it. And Teresa's like, hello, she's nice to you cause you're my friend, this is a right dog. I don't know, baby. Usually people are not are not nice to me because I'm your friend. And so Dolores and Rachel are watching the bros fuck around. And Dolores is like, Ah, the guys are having a good time.

I love to see it. And they're still talking about dildos over there. Paul's like, ah, it was purple. It was a purple dildo. Now we're in trouble. You know, as long as the guys are happy, the girls can be happy because guys decide the emotional tone.

So then Joe starts to, Joe Joe Joe Gorgas like hey so why where's your where's your boy huh where's your boy Polly he's like who's that it's like your boy your boy where is he how's that Frank it's like no no like what's his Louie Louie where's Louie food is like he's asking where Louie is. He's like, oh, okay, well. Go on, who, who, who? And Food goes, what? They're like owls over here. I didn't even catch that.

Who, who, who? They're like owls. That's me. John Foodatiles, entrepreneur, savior of neighborhoods. I get back to the community with comedy. It's like there are apples in here. So, Pauly's turning red in the face because Joe Gorgas is just gonna give him shit

for being friends with Louie, right? So he's like, oh, Louie's away on business. And Fuda goes, oh, way on business, huh? I'm surprised because he reached out to me and he said he wanted to talk. I said, I'll see you here on Tuesday, and guess who's not here? So whatever, it is what it is.

And then Joe Benino goes, well, you know, billionaires are very busy. Oh, it's like, oh, I love Joe's shade. The men are just, they're going to all housewives out this year. So food was like, yeah, he must be on a private jet somewhere. Huh? I had a confused, like I thought we were going to talk today, but I guess your friend can't talk today, huh? Huh? Well, I was talking to him, and he showed me the text. You know, you wanna meet him in person, a party's not the place to talk to him. So I said to him, I goes, I understand where John's coming from, but I wouldn't have that conversation at something like this.

I would have it at like a coffee place. Sit down, get it all out, get it over and done with, have a latte, perhaps a small cookie. So Fuda starts coming after him. Yeah, not an Italian cookie. All right? Not a powdered sugar cookie. No cannolis. They'll have me barfing for three days. So Fuda starts kind of coming for Polly to take out, because Fuda, you know, he's like

now a reality star and he's really going for it. He was prepared to have a fight and now the person he wanted to fight with isn't here and now he's all amped up and ready to fight. So he's going to have it anyway. So he's like, well, let me ask you something. Then he's like, well, hold on. Now your problem isn't his problem. His problem isn't my problem.

My problem isn't problem, problem. All right. My problem is with pasta and gentle. And Fuda is like is like well fair enough like i'd respond let me respond why would i give a man who disrespected my family the respect to meet him somewhere why would i do that you guys got his back you guys are flying in the wind with him and probably like no i'm your friend i'm his friend i'm neutral in the situation

except i do have one very extreme stance. No pasta for me ever. My stomach can't take it." So he's like, listen, I gotta be honest. It looks like you're on his side. Listen, I'm on no one's fucking side. The bottom line is, I'm gonna say what I think. He's like, yeah, well, it looks like you're on his side.

I'm just being honest. Like, it just looks like you're on his side. And then Joe Gorga, of course, wants to fan the flame. So he's like, hey, hey, you gonna back that guy up? Is that what you're gonna do, Paulie? Hey! And he's like, what do you mean, back him up? If it's wrong, I wouldn't back up anybody.

And Dolores is like, uh-oh, I don't like the way everybody's facing Paul over there. I can tell by Paul's body language, he's losing his patience. I don't like that. I'm gonna go stand five feet from this situation and suck my cheeks in I need to be there in case any of his shu medium buttons pop off So Joe's like so you think that he's in the right and food is like

When was the last time you heard somebody say I'm gonna hire a private investigator actually don't answer that we're in Jersey It happens a lot. I understand that never Nevermind. Take it back. Take back the question. So what? So let me ask you a question. I'm going to call a spade a spade. And he's like, listen, listen, hold on there a second, buddy. He's like, no, you hold on. I let you talk. You're going to let me finish. You're going to keep interrupting me. So why are you fighting with him? What did Paulie do? Yeah. Leave Paulie alone. Okay. So now the guys are kind of like starting to be like, hey, hey, hey, come on, come on, ah, oh, bro, hey, hey, hey.

But he's like, I'm just gonna set the record straight. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Can I talk now? Just answer the fucking question. Can I talk now? Can I talk now? Oh, John, you haven't shut the fuck up yet. Just shut the fuck up yet.

Hey, don't tell me to shut the fuck up. Hey, you better shut the fuck up. You better shut the fuck up. Yeah, and Dolores is like, all right, listen, always know where the exit is, okay? My dad taught me that, and now it's time to leave. Okay, Paulie, walk towards the red exit, go. You guys are done talking, that's how I feel right now.

And Fuda's like, you tell someone to shut the fuck up, this shit's gonna escalate to a different fucking level. Oh God, Fuda, you're working real hard fuda okay just say i was a drug dealer when i was younger and it's fine it's none of your fucking business and then attack him on his businesses but you're not the housewife on this show i'm already annoyed with fuda here so delores takes paul a to the exit um and and then meanwhile jopanino is just like you gotta calm down he's like i'm gonna rip his fucking head off. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You do not yell at him. He's like, Joey, it's respect. Don't tell me that, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, you do not yell. Basically Joe Benino turns into a dad. He's like, uh-uh, uh-uh. You're gonna go upstairs. You're gonna finish your homework.

And when you're done, we'll see if you're allowed to go out this weekend. And Fuda is so good for this show if you're allowed to go out this weekend. And Fuda is so good for this show because he's losing his temper for no reason. He's not even fighting with the right person. And all Pauly said was he wants to stay out of it, you know? So he's like, yeah, you don't tell me to shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

There, I just said it. You're annoying. This isn't even about you. Wait for the proper person to attack, you know? So then Pauly's like, I should have told him to go fuck himself. I wouldn't have. That dildo will come out of swinging. So then the cake comes out,

Jackie's doing a beer chug race, you know? And there's a lady passing out candy and stuff like that. Okay, so then Teresa. It's not that she's passing out candy. There's a lady with a table attached to her. She has a table, all of her, she's in the middle of a table. And I feel like we've seen these tables before.

What we've seen is that certain parties on these shows, it started to become like a thing. Like, you know, it's in that same genre as the dancer who's in like a see-through ball on, on top of a pool. So now there's like a lady who has a table around her that has things. And normally it's like hors d'oeuvres and like little canapes but here it's like Sarah Patch kids and Twizzlers because it's Jersey. Yeah, she's like the cigarette girl, you know.

So then Teresa goes over to Rachel and Rachel's just looking at her like blinking like hello and Teresa like, all right, you know what? I don't want to talk right now but your husband went for my husband trying to rule my husband's reputation. Okay, so here comes Teresa. Why don't you guys just wait for these fights to naturally come out? I mean, especially Teresa, this is like season 14 and Teresa still doesn't know how to do this. I know.

And Rachel's like, well, I think our husbands need to have a separate conversation. Yeah, well, Louis, he husbands need to have a separate conversation. Yeah, well, Louie, he tried. He was a gentleman. Okay. And he reached after him and then like he wanted to clear the airs before coming over here. And Rachel's like, well, but he's not here. Yeah, but he had business me in.

Okay. First of all, so like, why should he come here? Okay. It's like, well, it's like a magic trick. Yeah, but why should they talk here? They shouldn't talk here because I was told they shouldn't talk here. And Rachel's like, well, John would have pulled them outside and talked. And she's,

Nah, I don't work that way with gentlemen. All right? Well, gentlemen talk at breakfast. And Rachel's like, they're not gonna be friends. They're never gonna be friends. She goes, yeah, but gentlemen meet privately. All right? That's what gentlemen do.

I love Teresa's logic here, which makes no sense. And you know that if it were a situation where Louis wants him to talk at the party and John Fuda said, let's talk privately, she'd be like, all he wants to do is talk privately. He doesn't want to talk in front of everyone else because he doesn't want to be caught. You know what I'm saying? He doesn't want people to call him on his shit. He just, a real gentleman talks in front of everyone. And she goes, yeah, gentlemen meet privately. Rachel goes, what do you know about gentlemen? Which is a very good point.

I mean, your first one got you in prison and your second one, look at all the allegations that came out around that guy. Do we need to roll the tape of the man beach that he was on giving that monologue? So she's like, my husband is a gentleman. And she goes, really, Teresa? She goes, yeah, Rachel, you don't know my husband. He's a gentleman. So then Jen Aiden's like, hey, you get to know him. Okay, get to know him. She's like, okay, you know what? I don't want to get to know him. Yeah, and I don't want to get to

know your husband. Wait, you know what? Your husband said to my husband, I have tremendous respect for your wife because we both went to jail." She's like, okay, Teresa. I love Teresa's going to jail somebody too. Teresa's like, she doesn't even get the hypocrisy. It's so funny. It's like, yeah, I heard he was the biggest drug dealer in Bergen County. Yeah. Well, he's a successful businessman, Teresa.

I mean, basically you're just saying like, I heard that your husband is a successful businessman. Cause nobody's heard that about yours. Like there's no verifiable proof that yours is. Yeah. Don't come for my husband. Cause I'll come for your husband. And Rachel's like, Teresa, he was out this entire time, by the way, Rachel's just sitting in a bar stool, just like, okay, like she's trying to come back to me, but I'm like, not going to give her anything. And Teresa's like all up in her face,

like all angry, all agitated. And so Jennifer's like, okay, you know what? This is not going well, baby. This is like me trying to hang out with Bill in the pool house, not gonna go well. Come on, we gotta go. And then they leave and then Rachel goes, cowards leave, cowards leave.

Ah, gentlemen's leaves is, what gentlemen's? So then they walk over to the candy lady and just, Teresa is so mad, she acts like she's taking all this candy, but she keeps throwing it in her bag and missing the bag. Did you notice that? I noticed. She kept throwing candy all over the floor. It was the funniest thing, because she was rageful. She was like, oh my god, she wants to come for me?

She better not come for me, you know what, because I know a bad gentleman, because I got a husband, she tried to come to me? She better not come to me, you know what? Because I know about gentlemen, because I got a husband, she tried to come to me, she tried to say that we both went to jail, but she doesn't know anything. And she's just piling in like starbursts, like going around the entire table, taking every single thing that's there.

Yeah, so then Fuda passes by and she goes, yeah, hi, hi, hi, Hi fucking double-sided dildo. And Rachel goes, oh, here he is, the biggest drug dealer in Bergen County, as Theresa Giudice at least. He goes, ah, she just tried to say hi to me, that's funny. So then Theresa is just still going off at random people and like throwing Sour Patch Kids on the ground, you know, she's like, oh,, Rachel's blocking up the wrong tree.

That's a, that's a very not gentlemen tree. All right. So the woman who actually walked up to Rachel, she's like, wow. By the way, Teresa was the one who parked up the tree. I just want to point that out to everyone. Rachel was just sitting there at the bar and Teresa walked up to her and started, you know, going crazy to her. Yeah. So food is like,

why are you entertaining a fucking loser like that man she's like Teresa you want to tell my husband what you said Teresa tell my husband what you said Teresa. What that I'm like a fucking like I'm a drug dealer who told you that? Yeah Exton it's out it's all over social medias. He goes wait a minute so you listen to an to an inmate who's in prison? And she's like, yeah, and I know, you know what, you were both in prison, correct? You're both in prison. He's like, okay, you know what, you gotta let me talk.

You gotta let me talk. You gotta let me finish what I was saying. You gotta let me talk. You gotta let me talk. That's what he loves to do. That's how Fuda argues. You gonna let me finish? You gonna let me finish now?

Oh, do I get to finish? Do I get to talk now? Is it my turn to talk? I can't talk to somebody who doesn't listen. You don't listen. You're talking to a fucking drug dealer in jail. That's what you're doing right now. And so my turn to talk? I can't talk to somebody who doesn't listen. You don't listen. You're talking to a fucking drug dealer in jail. That's what you're doing right now. And so then she's like, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go. And Rachel's like, no, no, you're gonna talk to him. Cowards leave. Yeah, you don't know shit. Don't go down this route. Stop trying to hit me for that shit. I ain't trying to hit you. What are you talking about?

Are you gonna let me finish? Are you gonna let me finish? And Fester's like, oh, I'm having the best time at this party. So then Teresa and Jen leave and Fuda's just shouting after them like, what? Ha, has been, you fucking has been. Classy. So now you've got the husband fighting with the housewife. Classy stuff, food.

I love it. I love the idea of Teresa being a husband because that implies that she, at one point, was an is. Was a current is. Well, it's just funny watching these beast stringers call someone a husband. I mean, she's the star of the show. It's 14 seasons in.

Like, you're on season two, I get it, but I don't know that she's a has-been, you know? You're a not yet, you know what I mean? I'm not saying a never, but you're a not yet. And Rachel just did an interview where she's like, oh yeah, look at Teresa, she's out there doing villains, she has to hustle for money. It's called, working and getting a second television show,

you fucking... I'm not really sure. This is definitely one show you don't wanna take sides. A, because the fandoms of all of these people will bury you, probably literally. And B, because they're all wrong all the time. I'm not really as interested in the dildo drama, because I already knew all this drama last year, so that's not that exciting for me. And I don't really love watching the men scream at the women. But I am here for the Margin Jackie drama and then everybody breaking up and switching teams this year.

I know I'm excited to see how this remix happens because it's it just is like pretty shocking to me that it's that it is going to happen. But we have a whole season and unfortunately a good amount of it will be dedicated to Antonia and Gabriella going up to college. Let's be honest. So that'll be tough. But everything else looks great. All right, everybody. Well, thank you so much for being with us for this epic opening recap of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Yes. And we will catch you on the next episode. Bye everyone Watch what crap ins would like to thank its premium sponsors ain't no thing like Alice and King Ashley Savoni She don't take no baloney. It's trolling the park with Caitlin Clark. She's not just a Sheila. She's a Daniela

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