Watch What Crappens - #2426 The Valley S01E09: The Bad News Big Bears

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

It’s time for the cast trip on The Valley (S01E09) and everyone’s going except our mariposa Kristen. Too bad: she’s missing out on barfing, slapping, and other messy moments. Speaking o...f messy, standing ovation for Janet’s gays who put on the pantomime performance of the year.Grab tickets for our European tour at Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Privacy Policy at and California Privacy Notice at

Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Once Upon a Beat. Join me. DJ Fu. And my trusty turntable, Baby Scratch, for a weekly jam packed party as we remix and reimagine classic stories for the kids in your life today. Once Upon a Beat is a new kids and family podcast from Wondry and Tinkercast, where hip hop and fables meet.
Starting point is 00:00:21 Listen to Once Upon a Beat early and ad free right now on Wondry+. Once Upon a Beat. Once Upon a Beat. Join me, DJ Fuse, and my trusty turntable, Baby Scratch, for a weekly jam packed party as we remix and reimagine classic stories for the kids in your life today. Once Upon a Beat is a new kids and family podcast
Starting point is 00:00:45 from Wondry and Tinkercast, where hip hop and fables meet. Listen to Once Upon a Beat early and ad free right now on Wondry+. Once Upon a Beat. Check it out. Watch What Crappens! Watch What Crappens! Watch What Crappens! Guess what happens when there's so much that crappens! Watch What Crappens! Watch What Crappens!
Starting point is 00:01:12 Watch What Crappens! Guess what happens when there's so much that crappens! Watch What Crappens! Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens! A podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today is the one and only Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie. How are you? Hi, how are you? I am doing so well. Here we are to recap the valley today. We are a week out from our European shows. It's so exciting.
Starting point is 00:01:45 We're going to London. We're going to Birmingham. We're going to Dublin. London sold out, but there are tickets in Dublin and Birmingham. So go see us there. For those who didn't see, we are going to be recapping some of our favorite European episodes of Real Housewives, as in when their cast go to Europe. So in London, we're going to recap the Amsterdam, which is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That's when Rinna throws that glass onto the floor.
Starting point is 00:02:15 In Ireland, in Dublin, we are going to be doing the Real Housewives of Orange County. What was the name of that episode, Ronnie? Do you remember offhand? It's the Ireland episode. It's called Shamrocks and Shamrocks and... Hold on, I'll look it up. I'm so unprepared. While Ronnie looks that up,
Starting point is 00:02:35 in Birmingham we're gonna be doing a case of the Vickies. That's Orange County going to Iceland. The episode is called A Case of the Vickies. But don't remember what the, basically the Ireland episode, there are two Ireland episodes on Orange County that season, it's the first one. It's the famous one with Tamra being hyperventilating in the Sprinter van.
Starting point is 00:02:55 We all know the GIF, we all remember that scene. We all remember Shannon Bedor going, top of the morning to ya! So we're gonna have a great time in Europe, and that's all that there is to say about that. So in the meantime, did you find it, Ronnie, Shamrock? No, stop pressuring me. Keeping put on the spot.
Starting point is 00:03:16 Now I'm staring at our stupid Instagram. Okay, they're actually listed on our Instagram. There's a post that says crap happens in Europe and it's us looking crazily at each other and they're actually listed on our Instagram. There's a post that says, Crappins in Europe. And it's us looking crazily at each other. And they're actually listed in the description in case anybody forgets and wants to check out episode numbers. Yeah, it's called Shamrocks and Shockwaves,
Starting point is 00:03:34 seasons 11, episode 15. Yeah. So go check out episode numbers there on Instagram, Crappins in Europe it's called. Anyway, so excited to be there and see everybody over there, meet everybody over there. It's gonna be great. And you know, I will be meeting literally everybody
Starting point is 00:03:49 because that's how I am. Like, hi, I'm Ronnie. How are you? I'm from America. It's half of the morning. What do you guys think about America? Do you guys have freedom fries here? Just kidding.
Starting point is 00:03:57 Do you guys still laugh about that? Are we over that? I know this isn't France, but surely you got pissed about it too, right? Do you love America? Talk to me, I'm American. We're gonna have a great time. So anyway, let's be in great times. The Valley so funny, so entertaining. We had crappy hour this week in case you missed it. That's up on our feed and join us every other week for that. But
Starting point is 00:04:18 there was talk about Janet, like, do we like Janet? Do we not like Janet? And I was at the mindset of like, Janet is hilarious. So like she's awful, but I'm like very amused by her. And I still am like very amused by Janet. I think that she is, she's just like a terrible, like a terrible person, but like I'm enjoying her terribleness. But I feel like this episode, I'm like, wow, but she's also just, let's not forget,
Starting point is 00:04:42 she's also really, she's really terrible. Like she is so mean. She is so mean and so rude. And I felt alive. I felt alive seeing such rudeness. Also this really reminded me of season one of Vanderpump Rules. Because if you remember season one,
Starting point is 00:04:56 Katie and Kristen turned against Stassi. Stassi was like the queen bee. Turned against Stassi and Stassi had to spend like three episodes hanging out with like the bee string of sir. No, that wasn't season one when they went to Vegas. I remember it like, no, that was, wasn't that after because that was after Stassi quit the show and then she came
Starting point is 00:05:15 back in season three and they had all, they all hated her now. And then she had to like ingratiate and she had to be nice to Sheena. Wasn't that yet? Well, it's all of the above, but in season one, they were mad. I remember, because Good as Gold came out in season one, right? Good as Gold came out actually season two or three. She had a different song for season one. Cause Sheena was nice to her in that
Starting point is 00:05:36 Good as Gold episode for the first, and she was like, oh my God, Sheena's nice now. I love Sheena. Yeah, no, but I remember they went to Las Vegas, and I remember they were just like, Stassi had to hang out with these randos and That kind of reminded me of this where Kristen, you know they the Kristen gets ousted and she's I wouldn't call Kristen the Queen bee, but she's definitely the most famous lady on the show. And so
Starting point is 00:05:57 She gets ousted and now she is sent out into the wilderness while everyone else has fun without her Okay Well this episode for me, sorry, I'm like, I'm so lost in that memory. I just can't, my brain doesn't work that far back. So I was like, do I need to start looking things up? I don't know why it was such an important point for me to make, to be honest. I'm like, guys look. Yeah. I want to support it without Googling things. So I was just like,
Starting point is 00:06:23 good, that's great, honey. So then Here's what was great for me for this episode Is that I told you last week that Janice is a piece of crap for how she's being with trying to exclude Zach especially Zach and Kristen from this thing when she's new here Like you just got here lady and you're like no no and then this week we find out she's trash And so that's my that's my favorite thing. It's like literally going to a dumpster and going,
Starting point is 00:06:47 look, it's trash. And then later when you hear the beep beep sound of the trash can truck backing up to pick up the trash, I go, see, I told you it was trash. I mean, I'm standing in a dumpster and pointing at things. So of course it's trash, dude, you're in the dumpster. So do I win a Purple Heart for this? Probably not.
Starting point is 00:07:04 But I do win the feel of a giant meat hand on my own shoulder, patting it and saying, Ronnie, you are correct, sir. You are correct. So previously on the Valley, I don't know why I feel so nauseous. It's like, right here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah my chest. And Jack's going, it's the drinking. It's the drinking. Now our feeling about this has been, Jack's is such a dirty little pig. And the fact that he's on his 19th nose
Starting point is 00:07:38 and eyes still bulging out of his face, and then he's judging other people for drinking is hilarious. But then people have been reminding us in comments of plots that I forgot from years past, which is Brittany had GERD, G-E-R-D, what's that called? Gastro-economical rondle diarrhea. And she has a terrible fierce stomach.
Starting point is 00:08:01 And they told her she's got bloody ulcers and she can't drink and she just keeps on drinking. She just keeps on panning those shots back. Well, when she said later in this episode that she got her gallbladder removed, I'm like, I don't know what alcohol does when you don't have the gallbladder, but I feel like it's one of those things
Starting point is 00:08:16 where like once the gallbladder's out, you probably shouldn't drink anymore. I just have that feeling. So yeah, that's... Yeah. There does have to be some personal responsibility. And you know, for all those, I just felt that wave of like, you judgmental queens. I just felt that from somebody in some car somewhere. So let me just tell you, sir or ma'am, whoever just felt that.
Starting point is 00:08:36 Sure. You're correct. We are judgmental queens. A, I reserve the right. Welcome to America. You fuck. Just kidding. I'm just, I'm getting myself so mad for no reason but um i do
Starting point is 00:08:46 feel like this is being judgmental but at the same time we're older now like we've been here a long time on this earth and as you get older things start falling apart and you're just like dude cock your bathroom you know what i mean because you think someone else will do that i don't need to cock my bathroom who does that And then you get mold in your walls and then you have to redo your whole bathroom. You know what I mean? Brittany, cock your bathroom. That's what I'm saying.
Starting point is 00:09:09 Take it from an old queen. Do you know how much mold I've inhaled? Listen to the old queens. We know we've been there. So of course the big thing is that Janet is doing a baby moon or as in case you didn't know, we have also Zach saying, Janet's doing a baby moon.
Starting point is 00:09:25 So then. John, it's doing a baby moon. John, I heard you were doing a baby moon. It's just like, it hurts. Cause it's like a baby moon without that. And Zach's like, don't cry, honey, please don't cry. It's awkward for everybody. He's like, I'm trying to stop and I can't stop, hold on. And I love how he's crying cause he's like putting don't cry, honey, please don't cry. It's awkward for everybody. He's like, I'm trying to stop, but I can't stop, hold on.
Starting point is 00:09:46 And I love how he's crying because he's like putting his arms straight out. He's like, baby boy, oh my God, I'm crying right now. I'm crying, I can't stop crying, everybody. Look, everybody, I'm crying. Zach is definitely like a gate at a parking garage. Like, it doesn't matter what he says, that arm comes flying out and like,
Starting point is 00:10:04 you have to put a ticket in him to get it to come back up again. I am crying, I am crying right now. Does it babymoon? Does it babymoon? These shirts look great, I'm starving. What should I put like? I'm literally crying right now.
Starting point is 00:10:15 Every sense that arm flops out. I love the flopping arm. Oh, here's another sign that Janet's a horrible person. She has horrible gays encircling her. This is, now I would like to say Zach is a wonderful gay. I love Zach and I, you know, thank you for being a wonderful gay on Bravo because we need it.
Starting point is 00:10:34 And to you other gay, you pink crocked gay, shame on you, sir. They're like Ursula's seat eels that just surround people but they're in like pink Crocs, you know? They're terrible, these gays. I mean, I've heard the expression messy boots, and this is like the first time I've actually literally seen like messy boots.
Starting point is 00:10:52 Like I got this expression. They may be messy, but I can rinse them right off with a hose because they're Croc boots, so. But by the way, they were being terrible, but also they won the award for best gay charades this episode because. They did, they were hilarious. What was happening on the side of that phone call
Starting point is 00:11:10 with Janet was unbelievable. I mean it was just, we'll get to it. Also by the way, great coming out, speaking of gay, great coming out party for Jasmine. I feel like all season long she's just been there and you're like, she's sort of like tangently part of this group and I feel like this was the episode where she was like I felt like she found her groove she has had like funny commentary throughout she felt like she was sort of doing the greek chorus thing really well
Starting point is 00:11:34 so I felt like this was Jasmine's first proper good episode. You know you don't watch The Bachelor I used to recap The Bachelor on another show Rose Preggiggs, hi Rose Priggs, you're still around, hi old friends, used to do that there. And I did Nick Viles season, which Jasmine was on. And Jasmine, this is like Jasmine's sweet spot because on that one she's just like, she's the one that's like, this is insane. Like I literally can't believe this is going on right now. This is like literally nuts, I just can't with this.
Starting point is 00:12:04 Like all of this, like who's he picking? Who's he giving gross to? What is going on here? We're like that's Jasmine sweet spot. Then she went on bachelor in paradise and my memory, you know I mentioned I'm an old queen, but my memory could be shady on this but I do remember her being Like this time I'm not just gonna be the person commenting. I'm gonna be in the action So I'm going to be in the action. So I'm going to get right in the action. I'm going to be part of these scenes. I'm going to really do it. And it was a mess. Like it was just a huge mess. And so this is her sweet spot where she's just, she's friends with everybody and everybody's getting along with her,
Starting point is 00:12:36 but she's also just like calling out everybody's bullshit and not really on any sides because they're all too crazy to take a side. Yeah. And this was like, I feel like we finally got to see that sweet spot. Like I feel like we saw hints of it, but this was this was like her best episode so far. So she's like consoling Zach. You're like, don't cry. I'm trying to stop. I'm like trying to stop. And we resume right at Kristen's James May,
Starting point is 00:13:01 like her hot James May event where everyone's sweating and And Kristen's like, don't cry, babe. Like, I love you, I love you, babe. It's like, this like really hurts. Like I thought like we're like in a good place. And like I literally had to bend in Janet like a thousand times over. Also Thor under the boss about a thousand times over too. But it's like it's both ways, you know?
Starting point is 00:13:19 It's like nuts. It's like nuts. Our relationship is like nuts. So Zach is crying. These friends are terrible friends, because I would be like, she's not inviting you to her babymoon. You're part of our friend group. I'm not going to that babymoon. Or I'm going to at least talk to her and say, why aren't you inviting Zach to the babymoon?
Starting point is 00:13:36 But everyone's like, sorry, Zach, you don't get to go to the babymoon. I mean, what the hell? Fuck this person who gets to say like, I'm and your fucking baby moves, first of all, okay? We're all buying you enough gifts. That's like the person who holds their wedding over everybody's head, like you don't get to come to my wedding. Oh, really?
Starting point is 00:13:54 So I don't get to go have your shitty chicken dish and spend a thousand dollars on a new outfit and fucking gifts for you and a shower gift and a bridal shower gift, a baby shower gift, gifts for the rest of your goddamn life because you've decided to get on some train that's going to cost every gay person in your life money without ever getting anything in return. Fuck off. You can't hold that over my head, asshole.
Starting point is 00:14:14 But also I'll make you a bridesmaid so you have to go to all that shit too. And now you're going to hold that over my head. Not fair, ma'am. Nope. So, Nia is like... Well, it makes me really sad to see Zach's reaction because I just feel like he's like collateral damage. Yeah, well, thanks for joining the show, Nia.
Starting point is 00:14:33 So Brittany is like, did not take a lot to deduce that, and she's so nice, even though I called her evil in the first episode and it's not panned out. I'm like, I never said- It hasn't panned out, but there could be a slow burn to evil but it could be a slow burn to evil. There could be a slow burn to evil. She's been like literally the only like,
Starting point is 00:14:49 like lovely person on the show and she's the only one I called out like definitively as evil. So upset. Bravo has us trained to not trust people who are good because they don't really exist on Bravo. No offense. Anybody. What would you say you're all evil people? Her insistence on calling Danny Daniel, I was like, she's evil. we're good because they don't really exist on Bravo. No offense, anybody. What would you say, you're all evil people? Her insistence on calling Dani Daniel,
Starting point is 00:15:07 I was like, she's evil. So, Brittany's. Okay, well here's something I wanted to tell you. By the way, guys, I'm sorry my ADD is especially out there today. I think because Joe has become a hero in my life and I'm just like, I'm gonna lean into that side of myself. Yeah, just kidding.
Starting point is 00:15:22 Okay, so something I saw on the internets this week was someone was commenting, oh my God, I love Danny, he's such a good husband. I just wish every man was like him on Bravo. He's so supportive and he's so sweet and he's like a role model for other husbands. And then Jax commented, well, we'll see how this ages. I saw Jax say something like that.
Starting point is 00:15:44 Oh, um, um, um, um. Well, it's funny because that's what you've always said about Jack's face. So Brittany, we were right about that too. God, it's just like a retrospective. This isn't gonna age well. And here we are 12 years later, proven correct once again. So Brittany's like, well well I think you should call her
Starting point is 00:16:07 he's like I don't want to cry on the phone and so Nia's like yeah I mean he is friends with Kristen so is that why he's not getting invited no he's not getting invited because he drives a Toyota of course that's why he's not getting invited so Jasmine basically thinks that Janet should have given Zack heads up about the disinvitation or lack of invitation. Yes. So then let's see. So they're like, well, I think you should call her. You should call her. It's like, I don't want to cry on the phone now. Like, I'm just like, not enough crying in person without crying on the phone. So then Luke's like, well,
Starting point is 00:16:46 how does this make them any better than Kristen? Cause they're sending it. You end to tell us something, Jacks, instead of them saying something. So doesn't that make them as bad? Okay. Listen, non-reality person, straight person from Montana logic, pipe down. Okay. We're not dating you. We don't have to listen to you quiet. So Jack's like, they weren't invited here. That's why. So they couldn't do it because they weren't invited. And Chris is like, they weren't invited.
Starting point is 00:17:12 Jack's they weren't invited because I wasn't invited to her thing. So then, I mean, she's not invited my thing. I mean, what is this tip for tat? You literally just said it's tip for tat. Yeah. And so Jack's is like, I don't, I don't want to fight other people's battles And so Jax is like, I don't wanna fight other people's battles. It's not fair. I don't wanna fight other people's battles. I just wanna light the match and watch you guys. I just wanna create the battle.
Starting point is 00:17:33 So Jasmine's just confused. She's confused why Kristen, she's not confused why Kristen and Luke aren't invited, but she's not sure why Jax is giving them a TED Talk. And so Kristen's like, this is high school bullshit. I just can't, I can't. This is so high school. Like when she didn't invite me to something
Starting point is 00:17:53 and then I didn't invite her to something in response, it should have just ended there with that sort of high school bullshit. But for her to continue it with other high school bullshit, that's just high school bullshit. That's two tits for one test, and mathematically that doesn't even make sense. You know what I mean? It's called an eye for an eye, not tits for one test, and mathematically that doesn't even make sense. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:18:06 It's called an eye for an eye, not an eye for an eye, and then another eye. Seriously? Yeah, that's like crazy. I don't know, like she's treating me like the enemy? We were friends, and now she's also like gonna take it out on Zach? Like, have you seen his arms flop?
Starting point is 00:18:18 You can't do that to him. And then Zach's still like patting his eyes, like, oh my god, hold on everybody, I'm gonna look at the sky now. Oh God, it's so hard. It's so hard not to cry. It's so hard not to cry. I can't tell if I'm crying or sweating.
Starting point is 00:18:32 I just know that I don't want none of those liquids on me. So now everyone's leaving and Luke asks Kristen if she's okay, but now she's sort of whimpering and she's like, no, look what the fuck is happening today? Seriously? Seriously? So then Brit goes over to hug Zach and he's like, I don't want to cry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Hello. Let me look up at the sky. And she's like, um, well,
Starting point is 00:19:01 I had a conversation with her earlier today and she definitely feels like you guys are in a better place and that's why i really want you to talk to her you should talk to her because i'm you know i'm all about talking to the source you know that's why i'm always calling you know bass pro shots to find out if it's pronounced bass or bass bass bass bass bass bass which one do you play which one do you throw go to the source all right if you got a question go to the source one time I saw one of them singing basses on the wall I said do I play you are you the kind that I play are you the kind that I eat do you sing real low or do I touch you when I got a baseball in my
Starting point is 00:19:44 hand and I'm running for the other guy with a big butt? I say can you sing Doolan Banjos but I couldn't remember the lyrics. I go right up to him and I say hey you listen here bass bass. You better make me feel purdy. You better take me on a date one of these days. I need to feel purdy bass. I heard that bass bass was part of We Are the World once.
Starting point is 00:20:03 You can hear it in the background if you listen real close So that's like you want to talk about me girl behavior Janet is high-key me girl not just low. She's like hi. She's like a high key not low key She's like high low medium every type of mean girl that there is. She's good at hiding it, which is like the craziest part. I'm like, since when is she good at hiding it? She walked onto the show like, oh, there's a mean girl. It's so obvious.
Starting point is 00:20:35 It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. I'm Shimon Yai and I have a new podcast called The Competition. Every year, 50 high school senior girls compete in a massive scholarship competition. I wouldn't say I have an ego problem, but I'm extremely competitive. All of the competitors are used to being the best and the brightest, and they're all vying for a huge cash prize. This will probably be the most intense thing you've ever gone through in your life.
Starting point is 00:21:07 I remember that feeling, because I was one of them. I lost. But now I'm coming back as a judge, and also a kind of teen girl anthropologist. Because if you want to understand what it's like to be a young woman in America today, the competition's not a bad place to start. Hopefully no one will die on station night. From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondry, this is The Competition.
Starting point is 00:21:32 Follow The Competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Competition early and ad free right now by joining Wondry+. I'm Alaina, an autopsy technician. And I'm Ash, a hairstylist. And we just love swapping stories about all of the morbid things that fascinate us. And if you do too, join us on our podcast, Morbid.
Starting point is 00:21:55 It's a safe space to let your weirdo flag fly. On Morbid, we cover dark historical events, sinister science, unnerving paranormal events, and sordid high society murders. We also dive deep into the most notorious crimes in history. Our podcast is grounded in rigorous and painstaking research. We're also not afraid to read a b****. We keep it weird because a dash of snark is necessary to get through grotesque true tales of demented minds.
Starting point is 00:22:24 So follow Morbid on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Morbid early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. The camera keeps cutting to Simon. The pink croc boots gay, okay, because he's standing there just like typing into his phone staring at everything, but he's not standing in the circle. He's standing there just like typing into his phone, staring at everything, but he's not standing in the circle. He's like right outside the circle. And so, Jasmine goes, Simon, what are you doing? And he's like, what? And she goes, do you wanna get in the conversation
Starting point is 00:22:53 or are you just recording? Like, what are you doing? And he's like, I'm texting Janet and I'm letting her know what's going on and what's being said. She goes, you're not involved with this. He goes, sorry about that. He just like scurries off and leaves the party.
Starting point is 00:23:06 I love that. Sorry about that. First he goes, he goes like six feet away. And then he text bitchily like, I'm telling Janet what you just did. I just got kicked out of the circle for asking you about you. And then they show him, I'm like, walking away around. You just see the pink crocs. And his short jorts. Just like, I mean. It was very reminiscent of Erika Jaynes' publicist, aka Gretchen Rossi's dinner party attendee
Starting point is 00:23:30 back in Orange County. Remember Jack? Oh, you know what they cut it out of the, they kept it in the international version, but they, but they cut it out of the American version of Jack, Eve's dropping in and then like leaking information to the, to the press. It was like definitely in the same vein as that so this one wasn't even hiding I mean he's like literally standing right by the circle like writing it down hold on I have an apple pencil Janet prefers these handwritten it's more organic he was
Starting point is 00:23:59 literally doing the Fox five thing with like a microphone, just inserting it in like comments, any comments? It was so blatant. So funny. And I love that, I love that Jasmine was just so used to it. Like they know it's like Ursula's eels are there. So, you know, she's like, Simon, what are you doing? Are you recording? Cause it's like, you're the court reporter or what?
Starting point is 00:24:23 Cause Janet does this shit all the time. And he definitely like then gave her energy of like, I am the court reporter or what? Because Janet does this shit all the time. And he definitely then gave her energy of like, I am the waiter who came by too soon to ask if you're ready to put in your order. Like, are you ready? Oh, nope, sorry about that. And then just leaves. The fact that he stood there and like tattletailed on them
Starting point is 00:24:37 for getting rid of him, I cannot. Hilarious. So then she's like, okay, so, okay. So then Janet is, is this Janet? She's like, how did so, so the, okay. So then Janet is, is this Janet? She's like, how did your lunch go with Jax? What were you guys talking about? Oh, okay, so Jasmine's like, yeah, Janet is messy as hell.
Starting point is 00:24:53 I mean, first was Jax's balding event. And we see Janet being like, what was the lunch? What happened at the lunch? What did everybody talk about? What was the gossip? Which by the way, hilarious that Jax, that Jasmine goes, first it was Jack's balding event, which that rebranding of it is hilarious.
Starting point is 00:25:10 And now we have Harriet the Spy reporting back to her. If- Harriet. If Janet puts Simon up to it, to this, that's messy as hell. And then we just see the blur of pink as the Crocs exit stage left. So now we go over to the Lolly house and we see Michelle, there's like a porch swing. They have like
Starting point is 00:25:33 what turns out to be like a rooftop kind of deck area and it overlooks the Chateau Marmont. It's like, it's so poetic and Michelle is lying on it. Like someone who looks, I don't know how you could be lying on a porch swing in this like very tranquil environment and still look so uncomfortable and unhappy. She's just lying there like, like I cannot wait to get out of this perch. I cannot wait to leave this marriage. I'm going to stare at the Chateau Mermont and look for a Rob Reiner. Hopefully he will see me from here. And so Jesse enters wearing like, can you just fucking go do mushrooms? You know what I mean? Like, why do people have to wear
Starting point is 00:26:17 a cap? It's like, look at me. I'm different now. I'm wearing a cap. I'm wearing a knit cap. But it's like it was not just like a knit cap. It's one of those big things that's like, it's somewhere between like a knit cap and a tam. And it just looks just we've all seen it. It's like you you're dressing like you're you work in a head shop, right? Yeah, it's like a head shop cap. Yeah, I smoke weed now. So it's definitely it's it's definitely like the it's the sort of knit cap that you wear when you've just like
Starting point is 00:26:49 Done ayahuasca. I feel like it's like oh, there's a it's a dry. It's like a drug hat. It's a it's like I just did drugs guys Guys, I went to Josh very proud of you. It's like the I went to Joshua tree hat, right? So God forbid you drop some mushrooms and just go on with your life like the rest of us. Like you don't need a fucking, you know, display, you know, why don't you just go to fucking Walgreens and buy some poster board? Like you're about to do a science fair and just wrote, I did mushrooms one time and just wear it around. And listen, we know your hair is still dented from your headband under that
Starting point is 00:27:21 thing. So like, don't even try to hide it. We watch that dent all season. He's gonna have just different shapes of hair depending on what hair piece he's worn to convey a mood. I mean, his hair looks like a saddle at this point. You could just like hop right onto it and ride him to someplace. I would. Okay, so he comes in, he's like, I'm peaceful now.
Starting point is 00:27:45 I've done ayahuasca. So. Yeah. So he comes in, he's like, I'm peaceful now. I've done ayahuasca. So. And he gets her this hug. It's like this long hug. And then he like kisses her ear like a. Like this big, like he's inhaling the whatever's left of her soul, he's inhaled it out of her ear. He is totally death eating her.
Starting point is 00:28:04 He's like, Harry Potter. So yeah, he's just sniffing her deeply. And it's just so gross. And it's that kind of, it's like, look, I never thought to smell you before. But now that I've been fucked up in the desert and paid 30 grand for it, I'm a different man. No, you're not, you're still on fucking drugs.
Starting point is 00:28:23 How about you call me tomorrow when you come down and you're in the fetal position sobbing because you don't have any serotonin left. Okay. Yeah. That's the real you I need to see. Not this. So he goes, so he sells us something that's really like something you always want to hear from your, your significant other. I go into every situation, whether it's a therapist or a coach saying, how can I manipulate this? Is that your wedding password?
Starting point is 00:28:48 I just accepted whatever was happening to me. So, you know, it's crazy. It's not my personality. Do you want a medal? Like, I mean, the, he's basically saying normally I manipulate the fuck out of a situation, but here I was altered by drugs. So I just couldn't do it. And therefore that makes me a better person because I succumbed to a chemical reaction in my brain.
Starting point is 00:29:11 She's like, so are you okay? And he's like, it was pretty profound actually. She goes, well, you seem kind of calm. It's freaking me out. I'm so aware, which by the way, memo to anyone who's listening, never say that phrase. Never say, I am so aware. He's like, I am so aware.
Starting point is 00:29:34 It was plant-based medicine mixed with like hardcore meditation and breathing. And it was like the most unbelievable experience, but it was also like so overwhelming. And like, it came on like real hard. Like everyone turned into energy, like the hillside, the the grass i got rid of the burning in my head i was like i saw this demon and i just like kept trying to throw the demon away i mean i died i literally died once i had some apple juice in me i realized it was all beautiful so yawns
Starting point is 00:30:03 something like a big yawn slot of Michelle, I died. If there's anything that could make me take Luke's side on LA, it's really this entire monologue. Like after hearing Jesse say this, I'm like, you know what, I get it with Luke. You know, I think, I get it. He doesn't have to stay here. There's no reason he has to stay here.
Starting point is 00:30:18 This is ridiculous. So he's like, yeah. I mean, I finally realized Jesse is enough. Okay. You're now quoting from the Barbie movie. So she goes, so how do you, how do you feel now? Like, do you feel different? Do you feel like a changed person? I feel completely different. When I say I died, it was like an ego death. My ego died. My ego is dead.
Starting point is 00:30:47 I'm mourning my ego. I miss it. Sorry you were so short. See, look at that. Like crazy. An ego is like, that is like a pretty really, like an ego that big is like really hard to kill, but he has a completely different energy.
Starting point is 00:31:03 So maybe it did work. I asked Jesse to be a different person and he came back a different person and that makes me happy. Hold on. I am making a gravestone for my ego. It says he died tall. He got a funeral for me because I was blind and now I can see okay now you're just gonna quote Amazing Grace you have officially not changed she's like it's interesting to say you've been blind because I think that's exactly the case of what had been happening for the past couple of years
Starting point is 00:31:41 more like yeah I was blind and now when you put that sack around your hair, it makes me realize how much that dent has been in my life. Day in, day out. Whenever you walk into a room, I wonder what it's like if I was blind. Is that weird? Are you done talking about being aware? Cause I'd like to go back to this bench
Starting point is 00:32:02 so I can stare at the Chateau Marmont and think of the life that I could have had. I'm waiting to see Rob Reiner's car pull up to the Chateau. Can we have a couple of minutes? They say a Lincoln Continentals on its way. I'm pretty sure it's Rob's. I just wait for the hot dog car to show up. Hold on.
Starting point is 00:32:24 I got eyes on Sally Struthers. I think he's soon, he's coming soon. Did you see the Instagram post that Rosa do put up of her driving around with Sally Struthers? I started dying laughing. I love it. I'm like. It's just so cute, but it's just what we're talking about is meathead so much.
Starting point is 00:32:46 And then up pops Sally Struthers on our timeline. I was cracking up. We're going to make Rose bring Sally Struthers to the next crappies. That's my God. She has to go. Rose, you have your marching orders. We need Sally Struthers there to tell us meathead stories. Cause you know, he's going to win best secondary character of the year. We've already given the award out. We've already printed it. Rob Reiner has already won a crappy. Congratulations Rob Reiner. You are a secondary
Starting point is 00:33:14 character even though you actually are not even on the show at all. Your life has just changed, Meathead. Okay, so Jesse's like, yeah, I feel like I was here and then she was here, but then she was running away. So then I was chasing her, but she ran faster. So I got in a car and then I rolled down my window and I said, I'm going to run you the fuck over unless you get inside my car. It's basically the notebook. I was so aware. So then, um, she's like, well, thanks for doing all that. That's a big step.
Starting point is 00:33:47 And speaking of steps, you can take a few steps downstairs and out of my face right now, cause you've inhaled the hair off my head at this point. So I'm just going to sit here and pretend that we're not married. Okay, thanks, bye. And then he grabs her by the, he does a face thing where he grabs her face,
Starting point is 00:34:04 like pulls her and kisses her really hard. She's like, ew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ew. Yeah. She just hates it. Yeah, he's, you know, part of me is like, should I feel bad?
Starting point is 00:34:16 Cause he's making an effort. And then I remind myself, going to get shit faced in the woods with somebody is not getting help. Like go get real help. You fuck with Peter Pan. So then somewhere in the valley, a little bell rings and it is time for a gay summit at Janet's house. So Janet is there, Simon comes over,
Starting point is 00:34:38 Jared is already there, he's sitting on the sofa. And Simon and Jared are like tag teaming her with help for her big bear looks. They're giving her, I'm sorry. I've never heard the term big bear looks before. Yeah. It's not really a destination. That's not a loop. We have yet to see big bear fashion week. I'm sure it exists. I'm sure Alex,
Starting point is 00:35:03 the big bear looks are jogging pants and sleeveless shirts. Okay? An awkwardly crafted tattoo that you probably got at a party from some reality show. Loser, okay? That's Big Bear Fashion Week. It's called a fedora, like some sort of like beige fedora. And you're set.
Starting point is 00:35:26 So Jared's like, Oh my gosh, we touched like bellies. So they like touch bellies and everything. That's fun. And so Janet is like, so Simon, I want to know about Kristen's event because this is like, like the event is like from like three to six and like five o'clock. I'm like, Simon, what is happening over there? I need to know something. Like I'm sitting here on the edge of my seat. I'm like, you're right is happening over there? I need to know something. Like I'm sitting here on the edge of my seat.
Starting point is 00:35:45 I'm like, you're right in the jaws of the monster. So this is why I am amused by Janet, because she is messy and she's so mean, but she's like, doesn't pretend like she's anything other than that. She's like, yeah, I was sitting there waiting for the gossip. I'm like, I'm trying to be messy right now
Starting point is 00:35:59 and you're not letting me be messy. Like, hello, where are the Jeets? Yeah. And he's like, well, I was trying to text Janet and give her the updates. OK, that's what was happening. But it wound up being a big thing with Zach. And it created this awkward moment where Jasmine got really upset. And then Kristen and Zach were crying. And I think they were just so triggered. Here's what it is.
Starting point is 00:36:16 They were feeling excluded. OK, did you get that part in the video? You did. OK, they were excluded. I don't know how to feel about that. Hopefully you're about to tell me. So Janet's like, well, I did. Okay, they were excluded. I don't know how to feel about that. Hopefully you're about to tell me. So Janet's like, well, I understand about Zach, but Kristen crying is like, huh. I mean, she like invited a hundred people with a flyer
Starting point is 00:36:33 and she didn't even, and she didn't invite me to it. So, but then like, as soon as she hears that I'm having a 10 person intimate overnight trip, I'm like, I see right through you bitch. Yeah, yeah. And both of the guys, they're just puppet gays and they're just, whatever she says, they're just like nodding like emphatically if she's like, and can you believe it? They're like, no, I can't believe it. And then she's
Starting point is 00:36:55 like, yeah, like I'm right. And I'm like, yes, you're right. I mean, literal Muppet gays. I was dying watching this. It was hilarious. Like, it was like she had, she was like a conductor of an orchestra and she was just like, like just moving her, like moving her hands. She's like, and now this, and like, you know, her hand goes this way, they nod, it goes this way, they all shake their heads.
Starting point is 00:37:14 It was hilarious. So she's like, well, Kristen does cry a lot. I mean, it doesn't take much. And then we see Kristen, it's just a montage of Kristen being like, I'm crying right now because you guys like really hurt me being like, I'm crying right now because you guys really hurt me. Okay? I'm like crying.
Starting point is 00:37:28 And there's the first time I noticed that Kristin really has a distinct way of crying, which is that she sticks her index finger, she sticks her index finger into the corner of her eye and then she flicks away her tears. I'm like, I'm just like really crying. Most people like wipe, they use the whole hands. They get right in there.
Starting point is 00:37:44 She's like the little ball of crying She's like playing space invaders Or sometimes she just puts her finger there and just lets it rest she puts her index finger alongside her nose and she's like I'm crying you can tell my index finger in there. I'm collecting the tears. They trickle down my finger They go down my arm to my elbow. Mm. So, Simon's like, yeah, this isn't really good. And Janet's like, yeah, well, that crying isn't working because I see right through it.
Starting point is 00:38:14 She excluded me. And you don't see me trying to cry and make everybody, you know, feel bad for me for being excluded from her t-shirt event. I'm like, okay, but didn't you exclude her first? You started it. You started and you didn't have really much of a reason to start it. You just started it. You just joined it on the Michelle Lolley train. She started to show extreme loyalty to Michelle.
Starting point is 00:38:36 By the way, she also started the Michelle Lolley train. This also started because of fucking Janet saying that Michelle Lolley is a Republican and probably supports that. Don't say gay law when it just came out this week that Janet herself is a registered Republican. Oh dear. Yeah, I saw people were saying that and I was trying to look that up. I couldn't find information on that, but that's wild. What's your last name? I'll look it up right now. Janet. I don't think she has a last name. I think she's just like Cher. She's just, she's Janet. Janet the Valley registered. While you look that up, I mean Janet. Janet the Valley Register. While you look that up, I mean,
Starting point is 00:39:06 I think the reason why Janet went so hard in the paint for Michelle is because Janet was the one who was the original gossip. And so she's showing extreme loyalties that way she's not under scrutiny. So it's like, oh, why would I even be mad at Janet? Because, you know, she's been such a loyal friend to me in this moment.
Starting point is 00:39:22 So Janet is going really hard in support of Michelle because she knows that she is so wrong and that she she kickstarted this whole mess. This says in 2014, she married someone and became Janet Fortner who registered as a Republican. And some people are like, well, that's when she was young. And I registered as Republican because my parents did and stuff like that. The point isn't if she's Republican or not. I literally like, we could talk about politics and blah, blah, blah. But at the end of the day, everyone's different.
Starting point is 00:39:49 I know everyone in this audience is certainly not a liberal Democrat like me, but you know, the fact is that she's coming for other people and using it as a weapon when she herself was a registered Republican. My point is, hypocrite. Hypocrite! Yeah. Bueller, not you. Hypocrite! Yeah.
Starting point is 00:40:05 Bueller, not you. Bueller was like, oh, he just put his tail down and like, what? Come back, darling. Not you. So, Kristen, so then Janet's like, well, you know what? Kristen cries a lot, but it's not really working. I see right through it.
Starting point is 00:40:17 She excluded me. You don't see me trying to cry and make everyone, but for me, like, you know, like, try to make everybody feel bad for me for being excluded from her event. She definitely the victim here I'm like you're not crying and you're not asking for everyone to feel bad for you but instead you're just excluding her and return to the cast trip of the season so you guys are both being ridiculous right now to be honest.
Starting point is 00:40:38 So Janet's like okay well I will talk to Zack though. Okay, I'll call him. And then the gays are like, call Zach. Big nods, big nods, big nods. Call Zach, call Zach. So she calls him and they'd like sit there and just like watch her on the floor. Like just like, do we nod? Do we shake our head?
Starting point is 00:40:55 What's gonna happen? Which way is my head gonna move? Okay, Simon, here's what we're gonna do. It's called Gay Freestyle, Follow My Lead. Got it. So. Da na na na na na na na. do. It's called Gay Freestyle Follow My Lead. Got it. So, na na na na na na na. Okay, the show's about to begin. Just like follow Janet and then you follow me and
Starting point is 00:41:21 it's gonna be amazing. We're gonna pull out all the stops. Okay, we're not gonna just shake our heads. We're gonna flap our all the stops. Okay, we're not gonna just shake our heads. We're gonna flap our hands. We are going to mime actions. We are gonna pretend we're part of a Seno pool. In the 60s, we're gonna do everything. Okay, so she calls Zach and she's like, I heard you were upset, Zach.
Starting point is 00:41:37 And he's like, hold on, I'm flapping my arm out because I don't wanna cry, but I'm already crying staring at the ceiling and it's hard to look at the FaceTime. Hold on, I can understand why like Kristen and Luke wouldn't be invited but it's not even a logical thought process of why I wouldn't be included in our friend trip. Well it's not a friend trip. This is a baby moon. This is a trip for people who are more than friends. These are for people who are like great people that we all love on a different level. And so if you're not part of that group, it doesn't mean you're
Starting point is 00:42:08 a bad person. It just means that people don't like you on a certain on a certain level. And so I'm not trying to be mean. I'm just trying to say how it is. Mm hmm. The gaze is just a nodding and a shaking. And Zach's like, oh, okay. Well, what I also don't approve. Well, look, I can understand. OK, but what I don't appreciate is your pink booted friend recording me and Jasmine and Brittany talking. And Simon's like, oh, how dare you? How dare he include me in this drama and maybe make me a cast member, I guess. So then Janet's like, OK, first of all, Simon's a great friend of mine,
Starting point is 00:42:43 and he was not recording anything. He was more just transcribing, which is different from recording. OK, it was like he was making artists. He was making art on the spot that pertained to your dialogue. OK. And I texted him, I said, hey, what's the temperature other than being very hot? Because I can already feel Zach's sweat from here. I said, what's going on over there? And he was like, people are crying.
Starting point is 00:43:04 And my response was like was like, oh shit, that was not my intention to make people cry. I feel so bad as I laughed at home. Yeah, and Zach goes, but how about that? Not your intention though, because like your intention was like to make, I mean, come on, Johnna, Johnna. Jared's in the corner just flopping his hands out like,
Starting point is 00:43:23 what? Like, how could he even say this? Let me mime without making any sound. How incredulous I am. Huh? Huh? And then Janet's like, Zach, you're coming in pretty aggressive right now
Starting point is 00:43:35 for somebody that's expecting an invitation to my baby moon. Oh, fuck off. I love that Janet is sitting there on her bad couch holding a baby moon over people's head like she's the queen of fucking England. She's acting like Simon Cowell giving tickets to Hollywood during the auditions.
Starting point is 00:43:52 She's like, so he's like, I'm coming in hot because I didn't get to go. Also, I kind of just like slapped my arm into my wall right now. So I'm just like feeling a little hurt, literally hurt. My wrist hurts. Like I literally have dry wall on my wrist right now. I'm only coming in hot because I didn't get to go to a baby mall. And Jared and Simon are both giving middle fingers like oh fuck you,
Starting point is 00:44:14 fuck you. But they're doing like windmills with their arms like da da da da da da da da da da da And Janet's like yeah but instead you're like, I don't get to go, so I should get to go and it's unfair you're doing this to me. And that's not the right attitude to come in with Zach if you wanna be invited to my baby moon. And then Jared goes, hang up. He's like doing the hang up.
Starting point is 00:44:37 Hang up, press the hang up button, press end. Okay, one word, one word. The word is, okay, it's like a phone. Okay, hold on one second, Zach. I think Jared's trying to communicate with me. Okay, the one word, one word. The word is, okay, let's say phone. It's a, okay, hold on one second, Zach. Think Jared's trying to communicate with me. Okay, the one word. Okay, Sandra Bullock, Sandra Bullock. Don't let her.
Starting point is 00:44:52 Okay, potato chips, potato chips. Wait, it's a movie. Hold on one second, Zach. It's a movie. No, it's hang, hang. Oh, oh, I have to hang up with you. Sorry, that's what they're telling me right now, Zach. No, actually I was saying the net. But that is Sandra
Starting point is 00:45:05 Bullock. Sorry. I just I got I was nervous. God damn it. Hey, wait a minute. So she's like, Yeah, Zach and I have a history of up and down because our relationship has been a roller coaster. But going into the call, I thought maybe I'd feel bad. But then he didn't even grovel to come to my baby moon. So fuck Zach. Hey Zach, my phone is actually literally at 1% and I don't want it to end and seem like I hung up on you.
Starting point is 00:45:34 I want it to end and actually I think I do want that. I think I do want you to feel it. But wait a minute, we're like ending on a really weird note, but I guess okay. So then Zach hangs up and she goes, what? He just hung up on me right when I was going to pretend like the phone died on him and hang up on him instead. She's for a day, Janet and her muppet gaze, you're horrible human beings.
Starting point is 00:45:58 Please be on every episode for the end of time. Never leave my television. It was great. I have to say standing ovation to the gays. That is how you do a my my main lady is packing for a vacation and I'm going to be there to support her and make faces in the corner. I mean, okay. So then we go to Brittany's house and they're packing and she's Zach's over and she's like,
Starting point is 00:46:22 Are you sure you're okay with me? I feel weird about you packing with me. What are you talking about? First of all, the first rule about being gay and having female friends is that you join them to pack on TV. Okay, so I am just doing my duty because I'm a good gay. And first of all, also, you didn't not invite me to this baby moon and I'd rather see you before you leave for several days and get poisoned by that bitch Janet
Starting point is 00:46:46 and come back and decide not to be my friend again. Oh my God, I don't wanna cry. I don't wanna cry. Why am I crying right now? Please don't let me cry right now. I don't wanna cry. So then we go over to Michelle and her kid packing with Jesse and the kid's like,
Starting point is 00:46:59 I'm helping. Not enough apparently. I'm so aware. Cause your father just went away for a weekend to do drugs and it's your fault. You know what, Isabella, if you wanted to really help, you would go get some plant-based therapy, okay? And then you'll be still aware.
Starting point is 00:47:15 Isabella, do more shrooms, you unhelpful little brat. Maybe once you see the world is energy, then you'll really be helping, Isabella. Thanks a lot. Isabella, the world is energy. then you'll really be helping Isabella, thanks a lot. Isabella, the world is energy. Isabella, not energy. Do you understand what I'm saying? So now Kristen's in her apartment holding a bowl
Starting point is 00:47:33 by her microwave, which I thought was funny because I was like, this is all she has left to do, just holding bowls by microwaves. You guys, do you get this? Did you get footage of this? I'm going to do it again. I'm just going to stand here by the microwave with the bowl. Tell me when you got it.
Starting point is 00:47:47 So this is what Janet's thinking. Oh, you didn't invite me to this, so therefore I'm going to retaliate with this. It's like, where did my real friends go? Because the people I'm seeing in front of me, seriously, are not the friends I've seen for years. I'm like, Kristen, I hate to break it to you, but you've had toxic friends for years.
Starting point is 00:48:02 It's time to revise your group. Also, you are a toxic friend. And that too. It's like a green M&M getting mad at a red M&M for having food coloring. You're literally all M&Ms. I'm sorry to break it to you. So Kristen's like, well.
Starting point is 00:48:19 It's not the metaphor I was expecting, but it was the metaphor I needed. Well, I've always felt so bad for red M&Ms because they get such a bad rap. Like my niece could never have anything red because whatever they put in red food dye makes some people nuts. And I'm like, that's not fair. I mean, like how is green dye any it's all got to be terrible, right? But like no red dye, red dye is a villain.
Starting point is 00:48:40 And meanwhile, they're eating a fucking green M&M. But green M&Ms make you horny. Those are great. And I was like, wow, green M&Ms has like a better PR person than red M&Ms is how I'm taking it. Anyway, the point is, Kristen, you're the same. You're all M&Ms. You're all M&Ms.
Starting point is 00:48:57 You're all delicious. So Kristen feels like Michelle and Janet are trying to make her public enemy number one, but guess what? It's not going to work. Cause I have real friends in this group like Nia and Danny and Jackson Brit. Like you're really going to put Jack's as your real friend. Their whole reason why you're in this mess is actually because Jack's has thrown you
Starting point is 00:49:16 to the wolves and made you look like shit as you will see for the rest of this episode. Yes. And she knows it, but she's like used to it with Jax. Yeah. At least he admits it to her face, you know? Um, so, uh, she's like, yeah, Michelle asked me to give her space. Cause Luke is kind of giving her that look like I'm trying to help you, Kristen, and she's like, but Michelle asked me to give her space.
Starting point is 00:49:39 And so I gave her space and I apologize and I apologize. And I tried to talk to her, Lou, but then she said, no, no, no. Okay. It was like an Amy Winehouse song but even with Janet like I didn't even know we were fighting and he's like yeah but which direction is this going is this going forward or are we moving away like to Montana I have plumbing now seriously seriously it's like I'll just feed her more of that gecko fruit and soon she'll come my way. He's just gonna gaslight. He's gonna slowly poison her with gecko fruit snacks.
Starting point is 00:50:09 So now everyone's loading up their cars to go off to Big Bear. And Danny shows up in his big Kia minivan. It's big enough to hold three under two. Hey, it was supposed to be a no kids trip, but we have twin girls that are solely breastfeeding. So we're bringing all the girls or dare I say three under two, three under two, three under two, three under two.
Starting point is 00:50:38 So, um, they're talking about presence. Brittany's, Brittany calls me out from her car and say, hi, no, you, says, hey Nia, in case you have a present for Janet, just leave it in your car for now, so that way she doesn't see your present. Okay, here's my present. You look pretty. It's in the bag. She's going to open it and say you look pretty today. That's all any woman needs, am I right, Janet?
Starting point is 00:50:59 I had a present for Janet, but I accidentally barfed on it, so we're going to have to pull over to ride. So they're gonna have to pull over to ride. So they're throwing her a mini baby shower and she has no idea. She was gonna be so surprised to get a baby shower at her baby moon. I hope she brought the right look. I know, but Nia and Danny actually forgot to get a present
Starting point is 00:51:19 so they're gonna go to Target. Meanwhile, at the cabin, Janet and Jason arrive at this huge cabin. And Janet's like, I looked up this place on Zillow and it sold the same year we bought our house for the same amount. So if you get out of LA, this just shows you how much space you can get for the price of your house. Unless you're a Kristen Doty, she never gets to see how much space she gets because she's the worst. She doesn't get to come along.
Starting point is 00:51:40 I do not believe you, ma'am. I'm going to go ahead and say that. Janet can't work with me today, but I don't believe you, ma'am. I'm gonna go ahead and say that. Jenna can't work with me today, but I don't believe that either. And Big Bear, you cannot get that house for the same price they got that little tiny house in the Valley. There's no way in hell. I wanna see the Zillow proof, ma'am. So she was like, yeah, it's really good
Starting point is 00:51:56 to leave the bullshit back in LA. And by bullshit, I mean, Kristen, Zach, and by proxy, Luke. Thanks for proxying Luke into that. Luke's like, see, I escaped that one. Fee you. So Brittany's like, uh, Brittany gets sick in the car and um, you know, cause she's Brittany and that's all.
Starting point is 00:52:16 Well, to be fair of something. It is like, I feel bad for people who get car sick cause that drive up to big bear. It's like, it is nauseating. It's like left. You're going up a mountain and going left and right, left and right, left and right, left and right. It is wild. So you think it was car sickness?
Starting point is 00:52:30 No, of course not. I'm just letting, I'm giving her like a little ounce of car sickness to add into whatever else is going on with her stomach. You're just like one of the old Costco guys in the hairnet and on your tray is grace. You're just like, grace anybody? Free samples of grace Costco guys in the hair net and on your tray is grace. You're just like grace. Anybody free samples of grace coming for free today. I kind of feel bad for Brittany. I feel like she's in denial about something in her body. Like she's like,
Starting point is 00:52:52 Oh, you know, I just had that. I just, you know, I have afternoon, I have, you know, the afternoon nausea, you know, you all get that right. And like, I think we need to go to a doctor, sweetheart. We all bar five times a day. Right. It's just a little bit of that. There's a little bit of the afternoon bar fees, you know, and like, Oh, you need to go to the doctor. You have an ulcer or something going on and go, you know, like get that fixed. Yeah. So, um, Jasmine, uh, one asked about Jesse strip and Michelle's like, yeah, he was very peaceful,
Starting point is 00:53:22 but what's ironic is that we got in a fight yesterday, so I guess it didn't work very well. And he's like, we didn't get into a fight. We talked about a fantasy night. And we see a flashback and Michelle's like, this weekend we're having a themed party and we're going to be having a fantasy party at Big BR. And he's like, oh, yeah, fantasy fantasy. Like what was that like little lingerie place we went to, whatever. I'm like, is it fancy like that? I assumed it was fantasy like, you know, princesses and yeah.
Starting point is 00:53:52 Like not like Jessie's, Jessie Lollie's sexual fantasy after you did Ayahuasca. That doesn't mean like what gets Jessie hard. Yeah. So he's like, you should wear that thong. She's like, I'm not wearing lingerie in front of your friends. And so she's, it's like a pretend fight, but they seem to like have to come back, right?
Starting point is 00:54:13 I'm like, oh my God, these two might as, I hope there's no Bunsen burners near because it's going to start a fire. There are some chemistry going on right now. He wants me to put on lingerie in front of Jax. And he's like, yeah, I mean, if I can get my wife to put on lingerie, I'm going to do it. I haven't had sex in so long. Although he just says that in front of everybody and they're like, yeah, whatever.
Starting point is 00:54:39 It's like no one's shocked. No one's shocked that Britney's barfing or that Jesse hasn't been late in years, you know. And she goes, well, I wouldn't know what that feels like cuz my husband does not give me any attention at all. I'm let me tell you I do not feel pretty Jacks for one of the few times in his career speaks for the audience when he says god poor jasmine back there because jasmine's in the way back me like all these awful straight people. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:55:07 And she's so low cause Melissa couldn't come because let's face it. Melissa has a real life to lead and she's not going to be getting involved in this bullshit. Yeah. And Zach isn't there either. So she really is like stuck with all these people alone. And so they're talking about how the moon is in retrograde and Michelle's like, yeah, this is the time of year when people
Starting point is 00:55:25 are supposed to fight. That the other day, I was telling Rob, no, the fork is on the left side of the plate, not the right side. And he said, what's the matter with you? And I said, I'm not going to do the whole scene from Harry Met Sally. And he goes, come on, do it once.
Starting point is 00:55:39 I said, no, I'm not going to. So, yeah, moon. And then the waiter came and I said, I will have what she is having. I did it anyway. He put his hand he put my hand on his crotch. Now the story's getting a little dark. That was the moment I realized whether you're Rob Reiner or Jesse Lali. Men are all the fucking same. So Britt's like I'm excited we're gonna have some girl time me and Jacks get away get to get away without the baby I can't wait to get let loose and get away from the stresses opening a
Starting point is 00:56:18 bar it's been so hard I told them put chairs in I told them. You know what's more stressful than anything else is when we have to drive, get into that golf cart and drive over to that bar and look at the wallpaper and then drive home. That is just one day of stress. So then at the cabin, Jason is doing handstand pushups or something and his wife is just like,
Starting point is 00:56:42 yeah, I'm not gonna be working out like that on vacation. He is definitely a guy who reads men's fitness in bed. He's like, oh, tomorrow I'm gonna do that kind of pushup. Totally. Oh my God. I always wonder who reads those fitness magazines for the non- Oh my God, I've known plenty of guys who read them.
Starting point is 00:57:01 They literally, they talk about it. They'll be like, oh my God, have you heard what protein does to your body? It's like yes But there's a study egg white specifically. Oh my god Did you ever learn about like the Cobra pose crunch hybrid move? It's like actually great for your abs Is there an article about red dianem and M's? I do not want to talk then get the fuck out of here with your fucking protein doubt although The guys on it are hot, but you know, as I've said a million times, it's not hot to me when
Starting point is 00:57:29 people put effort. I like to think it's just magical and they're blessed. But when I see that they actually have to work out, like when they show the workouts, you open it, I'm like, oh my God, I'm getting a boner. And then you open it and they're like, oh, I worked so hard. I'm like, it's like the sound of Pac-Man dying. It's like the sound of Pac-Man dying. So Brittany's like, I'm car sick, I knew I would be. And then everyone gets into the cabin and they're all like, wow, this is so big, wow. And Jesse has like a suitcase dedicated to champagne
Starting point is 00:57:57 and he has his own coffee maker and coffee. And he's like, don't ever believe someone who says, don't worry, the house will be full of alcohol and groceries. Your idea of alcohol and my idea of Bordeaux are a little different. Okay, dent here. Yes, you're very rich and important, Jesse, okay. Tell us more about Capri.
Starting point is 00:58:17 So, Nia and Danny arrive with their babies and their nana and Janet gives Jax a shirt and the picture on the shirt is Jax drowning a big bear, which is really funny. A little classic scene. Yeah we knew they were gonna pull out this this clip right of course they show the flashback of you can help me can help me if you want you can help me and everyone just watching Jax hopefully drown in the waters. Hopefully it just cuts to everybody with fingers crossed. So now they're picking rooms and so
Starting point is 00:58:44 Michelle and Jesse's room has separate beds and she's like, oh good, I can sleep in this bed and you can sleep in that bed and we don't have to touch each other. And he's like, no, no, no, we're gonna have lots of sex. Come on, this is a love trip for us, baby. She's, no, it's not, no love. So outside it's shots and we hear what Janice got
Starting point is 00:59:03 for the day, a pontoon, which of course she does. Of course you've got a fucking pontoon. So then Jesse's like, wait a second, guys, do you hear that? It's the sound of no drama, cause Kristen's not here. Let's do a shot. Guess what that means? A shitty show, sir. Congratulations on your stupid show.
Starting point is 00:59:22 Also thank God that you were not mental healthily served because you're still going to make a goddamn mess of everything. That's what it makes sense. Right. I don't know what. Listen. Mentally healthily. Like you went to get mental health service. It didn't work out for you is what I'm trying to say. Congratulations. Kristin's not there. So you get to stare into the gaping hole that is your life and your marriage. So everyone toasts everyone cheers. And Jen's like, um, and by the way, we are not talking shit this weekend. We're here to have fun.
Starting point is 00:59:57 So if you say that name, we're going to put $20 into a jar and whoever avoids talking shit the whole weekend gets to take the cash home, which unfortunately, if Kristen were here, she wouldn't be able to play the game because you have to have a jar and whoever avoids talking shit the whole weekend gets to take the cash home which unfortunately if Kristen were here she wouldn't be able to play the game because you have to have a job and earn money to be able to put things in the jar oops I guess that's $60 for me right in the jar whoopsies and Jesse's like I got a hundi in my pocket I'm gonna talk as much shit as I want to hashtag my Bordeaux so now everyone is heading out for their respective things. Boys are gonna hang out on beach.
Starting point is 01:00:29 Girls are gonna go on the pontoon boat. Jacks spills something on Jason's shorts so he's wiping it off. She's like, whoa, don't wipe it off my dick, bro. What are you doing touching my dick? Come on, bro. And Janet has never been to Big Bear. And she's like, yeah, never been before,
Starting point is 01:00:46 but we stopped here to get coffee. And they were like, is whole milk okay? And I was like, yes, we're not in LA anymore. I also want to point out that when Jack's, when they all get to the, the guys get to the beach, Jack's goes, I am piss drunk at three o'clock on a Monday. This is not normal. Like just want to show he's drunk in the afternoon because he holds it against Britney a lot. Mike just want to show he's drunk
Starting point is 01:01:07 in the afternoon because he holds it against Brittany a lot. So I just want to show it's on it. It's on record. So then Jax is trying to inflate something. And you know the question Jax has asked many times, where's the hole at? And Jesse's like, yeah, if you don't know where the hole's at, then you're not going to have a second kid. Well, where's your second child, Jesse? Last time I checked, you've got a one under three
Starting point is 01:01:30 and not a three under two. So Nia was like, oh my God, I thought Jesse was naked because his shorts are flesh colored. And Janet's. I almost started crying for two weeks straight about it. And Janet goes, she's like, "'So by the way guys, Simon came over "'and he was helping me pack.
Starting point is 01:01:51 "'You should've seen, he had more faces "'than I ever realized he could make.'" Like it was really, I've never felt more supported than we started doing the Macarena when I was talking to Zach on the phone. That was just like the most beautiful thing. And you gotta love that Janet has just announced that no one can speak of Kristen, except for her,
Starting point is 01:02:06 of course, because it's going to be in a totally disparaging way. So she's Jasmine goes, oh, Simon, your little spy. And she's like, no, that's not what I wanted to ask you about. I mean, no, she was no. And that's what I wanted to ask you about Jasmine, because obviously I'm super nosy. So I want to know what was going on. And Jasmine's like, okay, but then like, here's what was going on. I was talking to Zach and but then like, here's what was going on. I was talking to Zach and Zach is crying because he didn't get invited to a baby moon and then you've got Simon over here
Starting point is 01:02:30 and Pink Crocs shaking his head and nodding his head. I was like, what are you doing that? He said, I'm being told to shake my head right now. I said, by who? And then he starts doing the film thing. I said, what is that? Is it Sandra Bullock? He said, no, it's not Sandra Bullock.
Starting point is 01:02:44 So what are you doing? Are you recording this? No, I'm not recording this. I said, get the fuck out of here, Sh He said, no, it's not Sandra Bullock. So what are you doing? You recording this? No, I'm not recording this. I said, get the fuck out of here, showbuff. He said, it was actually the net. It's actually the net. Super, super bizarre conversation, Janet. But I really don't know why you sent your guys to take notes. And we see footage of Simon blatantly eavesdropping.
Starting point is 01:03:00 We see him like his eyes, like his right eyes, like in frame, like, what was that? What was I hearing there? And I know that Jasmine, of course, is finally attuned to Gabe's eavesdropping because she learned it first and foremost from me, Ben Mandelker, when I caught Jasmine and Lala at my apartment pool talking about Faith.
Starting point is 01:03:21 And I sat there on the Sheds lounge being like, hmm, hmm, like taking it all lounge, being like, hmm, hmm. Like taking it all in, being like, must mentally remember all this to put on the podcast. I love that that's your memory. And Janet, I mean, what's your bonus? Jasmine is just like, why do I always have gays trying to listen to me wherever I go?
Starting point is 01:03:39 I remember being on that pool top and that gay in that sun chair was just craning over. Cause you're not subtle when you're listening. Uh-uh. No, I'm like. You're not subtle at all. You're very like, don't look. Like don't look over there.
Starting point is 01:03:51 Dax Shepard. Oh yeah, did that to Ronnie. That was so funny. I was like, oh, when Kristen Bell is here, I like craning my neck out. I was like, yup, that's Kristen Bell. Yeah. I never even looked.
Starting point is 01:04:02 You see, that's how you do it. Cause you know what, who cares? I care, but I saw it through your eyes and it was just so much rosier than through my own eyes. You know, I saw Kristen Bell is still just being so fun and solving mysteries. If I had turned around, I would have been like, oh, I can't believe she's still with Dax.
Starting point is 01:04:18 Run, Kristen. Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard would not give a fuck if there is a sweet, kind gay at the end of the row of tables craning his neck out to be like, is that them? It is them. Like that's all, I was just doing a confirmation scan. You didn't do anything wrong.
Starting point is 01:04:36 I wasn't eavesdropping, I was just confirming, just confirming Kristen and Dax were there. You didn't do anything wrong on just saying you're not subtle. People know if you're listening. I think Jasmine has that memory of you at the pool, at the apartment pool, craning your neck over to listen. And she's probably just wondering, what is it with gay people? Do gay people have televisions to watch or are they only watching us?
Starting point is 01:05:00 But also like Jasmine and Lala were being very loud at the pool. They were literally like, so did you hear about faith? Like, yeah, let the peasants be peasants. Like you guys were like yapping loudly at the pool and your public figures. So of course the gay is going to listen in. Yeah. So then Janice like, okay, well, when he told me that people were crying, I was like, shit,
Starting point is 01:05:25 that was not my intention. I didn't want to make people cry. So to be perfectly honest, I don't think Zach should be expected to be invited. And that's just that. So Janet, guys, Janet is losing trust in Zach more and more, especially after the beginning of the summer. And you know, because that's when Zach was like, I learned it from Janet. Why is Janet not getting any flack?
Starting point is 01:05:46 Why is it only me? I thought Janet would be called out more. No. So Janet's like, yes, Kristen announced this untruth in front of everyone, but I'm not sure Zach fully owned his part in this. And they're kind of a package deal. And maybe I don't want anything to do with either of them.
Starting point is 01:06:03 Well, I got news for you, Janet. Your entertainment meter score is low without them. So you're gonna need to rethink that. Because nobody wants to watch a solo Janet show, okay? This is an ensemble, so get used to it, man. Get on your tights and get ready for some swan-like Janet, because this ain't about you solely. I just love when this hypocrisy of Janet does something mean
Starting point is 01:06:28 to Zach, Zach reacts, and now Janet is going to crucify Zach for his reaction to her bad behavior in the first place. So classic. This is such a reality star thing. So Janet's like, you know, it's been a month of us being friendly. And I included him in some stuff.
Starting point is 01:06:44 Like, I invited him to come to the closed down big lots. And I was like, you know, it's been a month of us being friendly. And I included him in some stuff. Like I invited him to come to the closed down Big Lots. And I was like, meet me there at three and we're gonna get some cool stuff. And then he shows up. Did that close? The Big Lots on Vineland did close. No, come on. I'm just about to move to the Valley.
Starting point is 01:06:58 They can't be closing the Big Lots. That was one of the selling points. Big Lots on Vineland is closed everyone. It's just an empty shell of a place. Ah. I like how she says though, like, I invited him to some things. And by some things, I mean like,
Starting point is 01:07:11 one thing three weeks ago, I had him pick me up and take me to the airport. And she's like, well, I'm starting at square one, but I'm building trust slowly. And Janet's like, yeah, but to send Jax to send a message, like deliver a message, like what's that about? And she's like, am I allowed to talk? Am I allowed to talk?
Starting point is 01:07:33 Janet, you've done nothing but talk. You've called like five meetings already. I know. Let Jasmine fucking say something. She's terrible, Janet. And Jasmine's like, watch your tone with me right now because I'm planning a baby shower for you, and you have no idea.
Starting point is 01:07:46 I will take these gifts right back, okay? Expensive, expensive. Yes. I was like, you should just take them back anyway, at this point. So then she's like, do you want to be friends with Zach? And she's like, well, I was willing to give him a shot. Like she's a fucking American idol.
Starting point is 01:08:01 Everyone needs to line up to be friends with Janet, okay? And by the way, so far really all you've invited people to do is give you gifts, which is what this party is. And your last thing was to give your fucking, one of your other muppet gays a bunch of money for his charity. So really you're just a handout friend. So I don't know why you're acting like
Starting point is 01:08:21 you're such a fucking prize anyway. All you do is ask for shit. It's like getting on somebody's mailing list when you ask them to text you your receipt instead of, just get the receipt printed is my advice. Because otherwise it's just Janet is your friend. Did you know today we have a deal on baby gifts that you could buy me?
Starting point is 01:08:36 Fuck off. So meanwhile, over on the beach, Jesse has wasted. He's totally a new enlightened guy. He's definitely not drinking his problems away. He fixed everything. And so he's wasted. And Danny's like, wow, hey, what's the tattoo on Jesse's neck? And Jason's like, huh, it's like a 2005 tattoo.
Starting point is 01:08:55 I'm like, yeah, it looks really bad. So Jesse's just paddling in the water, just like a sad person in the water on a float. And Jax is like, hey, not to in the water, just like the very, like you're just a sad person in the water on a float. And Jack's like, hey, not to kill the mood, but Kristen told me that Michelle was texting somebody on the side. I mean, actually the real story is that I told Kristen that, but we'll say that Kristen is the one who told me about it.
Starting point is 01:09:15 And Jason's like, hey, why are we sneaking around like little bitches? If we have some information, that's our friend. Let's say to his face. Because throughout the summer, we've been through multiple situations wherein somebody hears a rumor and then they spread the rumor.
Starting point is 01:09:28 So I don't know why we're just not nipping this in the bud. Sir, love your can-do attitude, you are married to Janet. So let's get off the board. I was about to say, I'd say it float. Spoiler alert. Spoiler alert, by the end of the episode,
Starting point is 01:09:41 Jason has not said anything to Jussie's face. So, just wanna put that out there. But by the way, I'm right, right? Like that, that Jax wasn't the big reveal that at the smokehouse, Jax is the one who said that Brittany told him that Michelle was texting people on the side and he told Kristen, right? That is where that was the origin of it. It's not that Kristen told it to Jax. Right. It's that he told it to Kristen with it and then he was like, what do we, we're not filming this, right? We're not actually like, yes,
Starting point is 01:10:02 Jax want TV. Or like, I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not going to be able to do that. I'm not that Kristen told it to Jax. Oh, right. It's that he told it to Kristen with it. And then he was like, we're not filming this, right? We're not actually like, yes, Jax, we're on TV. Oh, just talking myself out of the booth by accident with my shoulder on my head. Oh, I'm on the ground. Jax is like, yeah, you know, like the problem I have with this is it's like it's dowdy,
Starting point is 01:10:22 you know, like it's Doty who doesn't tell the truth. So like, yeah, it's just like she can't tell the truth. So like, she can't tell the truth, save her life. Why would you repeat what she says? Fucking liar. Wow, well, you know what? Jesse definitely knows his marriage is in trouble. Look at him floating in the, floating on the lake. We all know that when a man floats on a lake
Starting point is 01:10:40 and his friends don't join him, that's the telltale sign of a marriage in trouble, right? Cause that's pretty obvious. Right. So now let's go to Valley Village. Oh, I was wondering where that thing was. It's Kristen. Kristen excited that Luke has found the lint roller.
Starting point is 01:10:56 Ah, Mariposa. See, we don't need those guys. We have compelling content on our own. We found a lint roller everyone. So they have to prep for people to come over, which means basically starting all their furniture on fire because they have 97 dogs who piss everywhere and et cetera, et cetera.
Starting point is 01:11:13 So that's what they're doing. And they have a counselor coming over and it's not any counselor. It is Danny and Mia's family counselor. Who could be better? Because they are a motherfucking couple goals. Couple goals. Couple goals couple goals also lint roller girls they have such good lint roller organization so goals have you ever seen that girl pill pill boxing no I've never seen that girl I've never seen that girl with sweater pills I'm
Starting point is 01:11:40 gonna show you that much lip roller pit pill what do you call it? Pill, what am I saying? Pill? I don't know, but I just know that when I walk into their apartment and I need to roll some lint off me, I just know inherently where the lint roller is and that's where it is. It's so much work. Pill shavers, pill shavers, pill shaver goals.
Starting point is 01:11:59 So Alan, the therapist comes over and of course Jill starts losing her mind and Luke is like, this is Jill, she's loud but she's really nice. I'm like, I need to see evidence that Jill is nice. I'm like, I like Jill, I actually like Jill. Jill is a dog I like, but I just hate when people do that, say that like right away, like your dog is barking at me. I don't feel like your dog is nice yet.
Starting point is 01:12:17 Your dog has to prove their niceness before I can. I can't speak on this because that's how a dealer is. He barks at people but he's saying, pet me, pet me. Why are you in my house and you're not petting me people, but he's saying, pet me, pet me, why are you in my house and you're not petting me? You're in my house, you gotta fucking pet me. And people are like, oh my God, your dog is attacking me. And I can tell that's how he loves.
Starting point is 01:12:32 But you know what though, I have empathy. And you're making excuses for your dog. I do have empathy for Jill because Jill did just get over like two weeks of shitting everywhere because she ate a rose petal that Brittany left on the floor. So, you know, I get it. Yeah, Jill's had it rough. Jill's had it rough and Jill's had it rough.
Starting point is 01:12:45 And Jill's also in this tiny ass apartment when she's used to living in Colorado. So, no, justice for Jill. Jill's had a rough go. Justice for Jill. Let's let Jill go. Justice for Jill, guys. So yeah, I think Harold Ramos was playing this therapist.
Starting point is 01:12:58 Is that correct? Maybe. And he makes a big stink about the fact that he has a dog too. He's like, don't worry, I've got dogs too. Don't worry, I've got dogs too. I said, don't fucking worry, I've got dogs too. Jill, you're cool with me.
Starting point is 01:13:13 So she's like, oh, I mean, everybody knows, like I'm in therapy, because like, I scream it from the mountaintops, so I'm in therapy. Yeah, most people who don't learn shit from therapy do scream it. Most people who still go around fucking up lives on purpose, talk about how much they're in therapy.
Starting point is 01:13:29 I've actually been in like a plant-based therapy. By the way, I don't want you to misunderstanding me because I do not want you to ever stop. Okay. Yeah. Like stay, whatever therapy you're doing, stay in it. I do plant-based therapy and by plant-based, I mean I eat Gecko fruit snacks. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:13:43 So. I'm in shoulder hitting temples therapy. Basically you react to things by hitting your shoulder on your temple. Oh, I'm in t-shirt rebranding therapy. Yeah. What you do is you rebrand your t-shirts and say I've been healed.
Starting point is 01:13:58 So Alan's like, okay, well, my first question is why do you have your ottoman so close to your sofa? Is it an ottoman or is it an extension? I just need to know how you guys are planning to use your sofa because it's really freaking me out right now. So, you know, they, he asked them things that you're asked about, I would assume in couples therapy, things like, where are you guys going to get your money for children?
Starting point is 01:14:23 Who's going to take care of your children? I don't want to hear money. I don't want to talk about that. That sort of gives me the ick. What else can we talk about? Where are you gonna live when you have children? Valley Village or Colorado, one of those two places. I don't want to think about it. Seriously, seriously.
Starting point is 01:14:38 Do you have any family to help you take care of the children? Well, my family's in Michigan, his is in Indiana, so yeah, I like shoulder shrug now. Like no one wants to help us, we're alone. So then he's like, she keeps answering everything like, my group of friends is like being really unfair to me. I'll tell you that much. And like, I don't even know if my friends will support my baby.
Starting point is 01:14:59 I'm like, babe, that's a, if you're even asking that question, you've got a better group of friends than I do because my first thought when someone has a baby is like, I'll if you're even asking that question, you've got a better group of friends than I do because my first thought when someone has a baby is like, I'll see you in six years. How can I help you babysit this child? I will be moving away, bye. Ronnie, that is not a conservative timeline, six years. It's more like 12 to 13, let's be honest.
Starting point is 01:15:23 Yeah, well, I say six, but then when six years have passed, I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, double that. I can hear your child in the background. Straight couples are like cicadas. They're like cicadas. They have a baby, which means they basically go underground for 17 years, and then they finally will emerge. Yeah, and then they're like, let's get wasted.
Starting point is 01:15:41 And you're like, oh God, you're still there. I'm so mature now. It's like, okay, I will block off a whole night for us to get wasted. And it's like, Oh, it's seven 30 and you're passing out already. Great. I'm so glad. That's my kind of person. Glad I chose.
Starting point is 01:15:54 See, I love a mom. I love, I love a mother of a 12 year old because that's my kind of person. Like let's get wasted by eight, go to bed. You know that. Just morning I was up at 5.30 like, guess what I'm doing today? Can you just drop your phone? Just please leave me alone. Good morning, what are you doing today?
Starting point is 01:16:12 I'm doing below deck notes. Ha ha ha ha ha. And then by four p.m. I'm like, all right guys, this has been great. Someone told me Taylor Swift was three hours and I was like, bye, I'll enjoy your first song. You're in the I'm going home era. So Kristen's like.
Starting point is 01:16:30 Do you think that I belong? No, no, no, no, no, no for me. Is that a Taylor Swift song? I'm going home. No, that's actually Chris Daughtry, I think. Wow, close. Hi, it's me, hi. I Wow, close. Hi, it's me. Hi, I'm the Mariposa, it's me.
Starting point is 01:16:49 So Alan says, you know, I view people as mirrors and when I'm looking at you people, I start to think maybe we don't need mirrors in our society anymore. When I start looking at you guys, I take out a box sharpie and start marking my face up like I'm on botched. So weird.
Starting point is 01:17:09 So Christian, if people are mirrors, you know who we surround ourselves with defines us. So tell us about the people you defined who have surrounded you. Stassi. Okay. Janet. Okay. Zach.
Starting point is 01:17:22 Okay. Katie. Okay. Tom's a hack. Okay, Katie. Okay, Tom's hand of all Who else Wow, I just looked at the mirror you're staring into and I've got to say it sees your soul and it's singing a song Hold on. Let me listen to it You GL why you ain't got no alibi you ugly So I'm gonna need new friends.
Starting point is 01:17:46 Also, don't tell me looking at your friends is like looking into a mirror. I don't wanna just like, defriend all the ugly people. That's not, you shouldn't look at friends that way. Yeah, that's a, I mean, the queen from Snow White is like, wow, that's a pretty intense mirror experience you're having there.
Starting point is 01:18:07 That's pretty intense. OK, so basically they're kind of incompatible. And the shrink is trying to figure that out, trying to figure out a nice way to say that, because they don't want to live in the same place. They're both like, oh, yeah, we're not going to I'm not moving to Montana. Well, I'm not moving to L.A. Well, we don't have any family to help take care of the kids,
Starting point is 01:18:23 because both of the places we've chosen to live, neither one of our families live there. Also, all our friends hate us, don't support us having children. We have no way to support the children and we're not getting pregnant anyway. The poor guy is just like, I left the Ghostbusters franchise for this.
Starting point is 01:18:42 He's like, okay, so these people are hopeless. So let me just pull out a random, random tool for my therapy bag and hopefully they can just latch onto it and see what happens. So, guys, imagine a donut. OK, all right, Kristen, I'm going to need you to stop biting the air. I need you to stop. OK, just imagine a donut that you can't eat at the moment. OK, drop the dog toy, Kristen. Put it on the table, the donut.
Starting point is 01:19:03 OK, Luke, stop trying to put a fishing pole in through the hole of the donut. It's, okay. All right, imagine a donut. Okay, the center circle will be the two of you. So you guys are kind of like the hole. You're the void. You're the emptiness in the donut.
Starting point is 01:19:18 You're the difference between a donut and just like a fritter. Okay, so now as you go around the circle, there's different levels of intimacy of what you'll share with the person. So what I'm trying to say is, make out with different wedges of the donut and see which wedge tastes the best to you.
Starting point is 01:19:37 Yeah, I don't really know what he's talking about, but I don't wanna live in the middle of Colorado the next few years of my life. So here's what I gotta say to everything. Caw, caw. What is this donut metaphor? Go around the donut and that represents different elements of intimacy.
Starting point is 01:19:56 Wait a second, I just got to some sprinkles. What sort of intimacy is this? That's just- And how can you go do therapy in LA comparing shit to donuts? It's just like, sir, get some location awareness. I feel like radar would have been a good example. Different rings of the radar.
Starting point is 01:20:13 But donuts, donuts just such a bizarre way to get their attention. Yeah. Okay, so let's go to Big Bear. So the girls meet up with the boys now and Jesse's out there swimming towards the pontoon and Brittany's like, don't go by the motor, don't go by the motor, don't go by the motor.
Starting point is 01:20:31 Come on, come on, people already died this late, come on, there's a propeller, come on, don't die Jesse, come on, we were trying to be on your side, we can't be on your side if you're dead. And they're like, wow, look at his hamstrings, brah. So then Jesse starts horse playing with Danny when they're back on land and trying to beat him up and stuff.
Starting point is 01:20:49 And he won't stop. He's getting a lot of time. He's like, okay, you're hilarious. That was fun, brother, but you can stop now. And he doesn't, he just keeps trying. Yeah, and it's like with that thing when someone's drunk and it's just a little too much and it's getting kind of annoying,
Starting point is 01:21:05 you know, and he's like stepping on the chairs and everything and so Nia's like, oh, this might be a good transition. How have you been practicing your self defense? We gotta get my storyline going and send some defense around here. Like she goes, so if any of you girls practice what we learned in the class and Jasmine goes,
Starting point is 01:21:23 oh no. you girls practice what we learned in the class. And Jasmine goes, oh no. I was buying expensive gifts for an unknown occasion. So- Her reaction was like, fuck no, are you kidding? No, no, I don't willingly hang out with people like this. So then, so then Jackson Britt do some demonstration and then like, okay, now, okay, now,
Starting point is 01:21:42 Jack's grabbing me, grab Michelle's arm. She's like, we didn't do the class, remember? Cause Christian was at the class, yeah? And so then they're like, okay, we're gonna do it. You know what, Jesse and I, we're gonna do it without the class. Okay, we're gonna pretend like we're going to be in a fight and then I'm gonna do some self-defense.
Starting point is 01:21:58 So then Michelle just slaps Jesse on the face. So then Jess, wait, so who, oh yeah. So they're, you know, you know, this is gonna go bad, right? Cause they're like horsing around and he's an idiot. And so you know, he's gonna go too far because it's him. And he has a track record of not understanding that you can't like do back the thing
Starting point is 01:22:20 that a girl does to you. Like, I don't know, tweaking a nipple. Oh yeah, that's true. Oh, you've got good nipple memory. Your nipple's gonna work. You really remember shit. I was a little surprised it didn't come up. Yeah, he's kinda like play hitting her.
Starting point is 01:22:34 And she goes, ow, my nose. You hurt my nose. And he's like, what? She goes, yeah, you can't touch my nose. Which is also very Vanderpump rules. It was very Raquel and James, remember that? And very Marsha Brady. Very Marsha Brady, the very Vanderpump rules. Those very Raquel and James, remember that? And very Marsha Brady. Very Marsha Brady, the original Vanderpump rules.
Starting point is 01:22:49 There is the original nose violation. But yeah, you're right. That is very Raquel and James. And he's like, I didn't touch your nose. She goes, you did, you slapped me. And he goes, when I slapped you, you slapped me. Which see, this is not a good song. This is not, we don't like a husband who uses that logic
Starting point is 01:23:07 to slap his wife. I know it's play fighting, but I don't like that logic. Yeah, none of this is great, you know? And especially on Jesse's big redemption episode where he couldn't even make it 20 minutes into the episode without not being redeemed at all. So, Janet's like, well, I'm like 10 years past my nose job and yours is only one year off.
Starting point is 01:23:30 So you gotta be careful. And then we see a 2018 picture of Michelle pre-nose job where she looked a lot like Katie, which was hilarious. She had Katie's hairstyle and everything. And then she's wearing a shirt because I think that's maybe when, maybe this is when she was expecting, no, it couldn't be when she was expecting. But she's wearing a shirt because I think that's maybe when maybe this is when she was expecting. No, it couldn't be when she was expecting, but her she's wearing a shirt that says I'm
Starting point is 01:23:48 a bundle of joy, which that was funny. That was some good visual comedy right there. Michelle, why couldn't she be expecting how old is Isabella? Isabella is if she was if she had the baby at 2000 2018 Isabella would be like five or six at this point. Isabella's I think I thought it spells like three. Oh, I don't know. You know what? I don't know. And honestly, I quite frankly don't care. And I don't need anyone to correct me on this.
Starting point is 01:24:12 The point is she's wearing a shirt that says I'm a bundle of joy. And that's a phrase I don't associate with Michelle ever. Yeah. It's babies usually. That's what I thought. Maybe, maybe she was, maybe she was pregnant. Either way, if she did, if when she gave birth, whatever joy was in her came out at that moment too. Okay. This is a lady that has no joy in her. And, um, I understand why cause she's with Jesse Lally. Yeah. So Jack's is like, if someone wouldn't three nose jobs, I understand, you know, like? Like, I have to say, during back when we had intermittent times,
Starting point is 01:24:47 God, that was a long time ago. Woodstock was out, right? I'm all right. Brittany knocked my nose and oh gosh, she was just getting so excited. God, I was hot. Yeah. Who were we talking about?
Starting point is 01:24:59 Michelle's pretty hot, right? Yeah. Come sit on daddy's lap. Come on. So now Brittany gets a video from the nanny or the babysitter or whoever of Cruz. He's in swimming class and he's crying. So she's watching. She's like, oh, I don't like to say that.
Starting point is 01:25:13 So she's getting sad because Cruz is sad and like, you know, it upsets her that Cruz is upset. And so she's watching it and Jack's like, do you have to watch that? Come on. Like, I don't watch that. I don't want to watch that either. Like, this is why I don't, this is why I walk away when I go to class. I don't want to watch that. I don't want to watch that. Come on, I don't wanna watch that either. This is why I walk away when I go to class. I don't wanna watch that. I don't wanna watch that. I'm like. I mean, in his defense,
Starting point is 01:25:29 she is standing there going, oh my God, this is breaking my heart. He's in swim class, look everybody's crying. It's breaking my heart. Look at that, let's watch it again. Hold on, we're living in that. She's definitely living in that moment. But also when he says,
Starting point is 01:25:43 that's why I walk away when I go to class like Sir, you can't be present for your kid who's like in pain or like or upset right now I know that like you're just not there in the class But like there's just something about Jack's not being able to be like I feel like if your kid is going is in distress And you have and you can't deal with it. Like I feel like that's not great as a father. I don't feel like I like that. No, Jax is terrible. I didn't even catch that, that he said,
Starting point is 01:26:09 I walk, what class does he go to? It was swimming class, but I mean, but I think the real reason why he walks away is because in that moment, Cruz is getting more attention than Jax is and Jax can't deal with that. And that's why he also doesn't want this video playing, not because the crying upsets him,
Starting point is 01:26:24 it's because in this moment, I feel like Jax is in competition with Cruz. It's one of those classic things that fathers and sons being in competition. That's I guarantee with my pop psychology. Oh God. Yeah. He's a pig. So, um, he's, I don't want to watch that. I mean, come on. It's my child. I don't want to listen to my child crying. God, what are you going to watch it 8,000 times? And she's like, am I not allowed to be sad? Golly. You know, I wish that she wouldn't end sentences with golly
Starting point is 01:26:52 because she's like, she, I'm sort of more on Brittany's side on this, but when she goes, golly, I'm like, you're cut up. Like just, just end it with am I not allowed to be sad? Not the golly part, because now I'm just ridiculing you again. Well, he's like, I mean, you're listening to a screaming child. She goes, well, you're being aggressive.
Starting point is 01:27:11 And he's like, I don't wanna hear it. It's my child crying. So then- Says the man who acts like a screaming child. Yeah, it's just, Zach, no. Jack, you're screaming and you're not even in a swimming class. So your child wouldn't even have to be
Starting point is 01:27:24 in a swimming class so early if you didn't even have to be in a swimming class so early if you didn't have so much footage of being useless in water. Maybe like the thing is that like a child screaming in swimming class is age appropriate. What you do, what you do Jack on the regular is not age appropriate or appropriate in general. So Jasmine speaks for everybody as usual
Starting point is 01:27:42 where she was like, yeah, if my partner spoke to me the way that Jack speaks to her, well, that wouldn't happen because we respect each other. So, and so now everybody's back in the cars and Brittany's like, I'm better. Everybody's just annoyed with me, but it's just my day to day. I just breathe for a second. Then I move on. I put on one pair of glasses and I put on a pair of sunglasses over those glasses and I put on one pair of glasses and I put on a pair of sunglasses over those glasses and I put on a pair of glasses over those sunglasses and I put another pair of sunglasses over those sunglasses and I can't see very well,
Starting point is 01:28:11 but it might be because I'm wearing too many glasses, but one of my most monthly vats not with any glasses make me feel purdy sometimes, you know what I'm saying? Nia's like, okay, well, you know how to handle it, it works for you. She's like, I don't know how to handle it. It works for you. She's like, I don't know what to say. This situation is really sad. And Brittany's like, well, it sucks sometimes,
Starting point is 01:28:30 sometimes, but what do you do? God, I do genuinely feel bad for Brittany. Like, Jack is so awful to her. And like, you know, like there are times, like obviously where it's like, we get mad at Brittany because it feels like she's making excuses for him. But like we get mad only because he treats her so poorly and it's just like sad to see someone make excuses for someone who treats her so poorly. So she just says, she says like Jack doesn't care how he talks to me in front of
Starting point is 01:28:57 people, like in front of my friends and from my family, my dad, my mom, he just doesn't care. And he just thinks that's a big deal. Like it's no big deal. Yep. And so I'm going to be big deal, like it's no big deal. Yep. And so she said, I'm gonna be sick, I'm gonna be sick. So they have to pull over for her to barf. And she's like, oh, I'm sorry everybody, golly, goodness gracious. I've had a weak stomach always,
Starting point is 01:29:16 and gallbladder moved to 23. I'm just sick all the time, it just sucks. I mean, we didn't even drink the whole time we were there, right? Anybody seen me drink? Anybody seen me drink? Anybody, where are the cameras in the whole time we were there. Right. Anybody seen me drink? Anybody seen me drink? Anybody with? Where are the cameras in the porta potty? Anybody? Anybody?
Starting point is 01:29:28 It's me. Well, the bros are in the car and Danny's like, hey Jesse, man, I feel like you keep coming at me He goes like, oh really you crying right now like classic playground bully style like in such a Such a you know, such a blatant way I actually got so mad not that like I don't have memories of people saying that to me but I just like that's the thing that a bully would do are you crying right now and Danny's like I'm not crying I just want to make sure we're on the same page there's no bad blood and Jesse's like Danny's a little sensitive by a little I mean a
Starting point is 01:30:00 lot and by a lot I mean the most sensitive man I ever met says the guy who's about to slam the door out of the car and go run up into the bed and curl up under the covers because someone said, like, yeah, dare to ask him about this topic. And is now pouting because he just got called out for smacking his wife on her freshly fairly freshly done nose. Yeah. freshly done nose. Yeah. So Jesse's like, uh, well, I just want to have fun. Sorry you're offended. And he's like, Hey brother, sorry, you're offended. That's not an apology. Do you understand? Do you understand how that works? And he's like, uh, and so Danny's telling us, yeah, ever since this spiritual retreat, he's been saying he's new Jesse, but it looks like the same guy with a different headband.
Starting point is 01:30:45 Three, same guy with a different headband. Sam. Three. One. Two. Same guy, same dent. Two. So Danny's like, I just want squash. He's like, I already apologized. Will you shut the fuck up already? Seriously?
Starting point is 01:30:55 God, he's so sensitive. So then. Okay girls, okay girls, don't tell Jacks. I had to barf, okay? Do not, he will not let me live it down, okay? He'll be mean to me about it. He'll be like, it's cause you took shots, even though all know if that's how my stomach is not in take no sauce Oh
Starting point is 01:31:10 Jazz like yeah, if I were crossing throwing up the Jason be the first person I'd want to talk to you know But like you know, so she just is like what the fuck this is weird so everyone everyone gets back to the house and Jesse storms out of the car and runs up into the bed and hides away and under the covers, which is hilarious. And Jax is like, look, you did nothing wrong. And so now Michelle comes back and she walks into the room and she's like, are you awake? What happened? He goes, nothing. Well, obviously something happened.
Starting point is 01:31:40 I just need a little rest. I'm fine. I'm just resting. God, people are so sensitive all the time. Stands a little rest I'm fine I'm just resting God people are so sensitive all the time, stung the little pussies. I love that he's keeping the covers over his face. He's like I'm fine. He's like in a little sheet tent.
Starting point is 01:31:53 Leave me alone. So now it's time to change into comfy clothes and Jax goes up to Britt and now he's being nice to her so I don't know maybe he chew chewed on some rails I don't know. So he's like so Britt you done being mad at me now? You done? Come on, you're done being mad at me, right? About the baby. She was on the day for a second. It's a guy went in. So Jess, a jacks decides to pull Michelle for a chat to tell her
Starting point is 01:32:20 about, about what Kristen said. So after all that talk about, we should tell Jesse, they're, he's gonna tell Michelle. He's like, okay well, okay Michelle, like I don't think it's right, I'll put 20 in the damn jar, like this is the last time I'm gonna talk about Kristen for this hour, but like she told me something, then she told me something, I told her something,
Starting point is 01:32:40 but I'll say that she told it to me, that I think you really need to know that she's been passing around. She's like, okay, you're scaring me now. Yeah, she's like, um, can I get a real glass for this? Because I don't like drinking out of plastic cups when affairs are about to be revealed on the camera. So they go sit down and he's like, okay, so three or three or four months ago, there was a you know, there was a guy's night I was a girl's night at my house. So you guys had fun, you know? And then I came home and then Kristen was hammered
Starting point is 01:33:07 and she started talking about you. And I know the kind of person Kristen is. Right, I mean, when she gets to the bottom of the barrel, she's just gonna do whatever she can to ruin people's lives. That's what she does. Remember that time I dumped a girl right outside AA? Hilarious.
Starting point is 01:33:20 Okay. She won't do whatever she can to ruin someone's lives. Not that I'm doing that now, but I am planning to out Rumors about 100% Yeah, I'm about to end your marriage right now on camera for fun You know just for fun and it's like I don't want you to get ahead of it You know and Christian was like saying that Michelle is been texting you You know, she says you've been texting guys on the side, you know
Starting point is 01:33:42 Like a particular person on the side like if a meat was made out of a turkey stick. Well, I did, you know, tell her, oh, I met this celebrity and I was texting him and I had coffee with him one morning. That's why I did say that. No, no, no. She told me you were texting a man. Michelle, I hate this. I hate this. God.
Starting point is 01:34:09 So she said you're texting sexy pictures of yourself. She's like, yeah, she is right. I have texted multiple people. I'm sure there will be a clarification at the top of the next episode, but until then we have a week to sit in it and to find out what the hell she meant. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Well, everybody that brings us to the end of the valley. The valley everybody.
Starting point is 01:34:40 Kristen, thank you so much for being with us. We'll talk to you some other time. Yeah, some other time. Thanks for being here. We'll catch you on the next episode. Bye. Bye. Strolling the park with Caitlin Clark. She's not just a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Itchels! Erin McNicholas. She don't miss no trickles. She's never scary, it's the green fairy. Jamie. She has no less namey.
Starting point is 01:35:12 Havanagila Webber. Know your worth with Jason Kurt. Sip some scotch with Jessica Trotch. She's always supplying, it's Kelly Ryan. Kristen the Piston Anderson. Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino. We wanna hang with Liz Lang. Megan Berg, you can't have a burger without the Berg.
Starting point is 01:35:32 The Bay Area Betches, bitches. And our super premium sponsors. Somebody get us 10 cc's of Betsy MD. We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Caitlin O'Neil. Don't get gold with Brenda Silva. Let's get real with Kaitlin O'Neal. Don't get salty with Christine Pepper. Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. We forever love Eva.
Starting point is 01:35:52 Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish. It's Jen Plish. She's not harsh. She's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony. Junie. My favorite Murdo. Karen McMurdo. We love him madly. It's Kyle Pod Shadley! Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender, the incredible, edible Matthews Sisters!
Starting point is 01:36:12 Give him hell, Miss Noelle! Ring that bell for Rochelle! She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke! Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony! Let's take off with Tamla Plain! She ain't no shrinkin' Violet Coutar. We love you guys.

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.