Watch What Crappens - #2434 The Valley S01E10: Zach Attack!(?)

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

The cast trip on The Valley (S01E10) continues, and Zach terrifies poor Janet when he pretends he’s going to show up on her Babymoon. We’re not sure where this is going, but one thing you can be sure of? Jax will call Brit an alchie every five minutes until we all believe it. Grab tickets for our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com. Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Once Upon a Beat. Join me. DJ Fu. And my trusty turntable, Baby Scratch, for a weekly jam packed party as we remix and reimagine classic stories for the kids in your life today. Once Upon a Beat is a new kids and family podcast from Wondry and Tinkercast, where hip hop and fables meet.

Listen to Once Upon a Beat early and ad free right now on Wondry+. Once Upon a Beat. Once Upon a Beat. Join me, DJ Fuse, and my trusty turntable, Baby Scratch, for a weekly jam packed party as we remix and reimagine classic stories for the kids in your life today. Once Upon a Beat is a new kids and family podcast

from Wondry and Tinkercast, where hip hop and fables meet. Listen to Once Upon a Beat early and ad free right now on Wondry+. Once Upon a Beat. Check it out. Well, hello and welcome to What's What Crappens? A podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Yule Bras. I'm Ronnie, that's Ben. Hi, Ben.

Hi, how's it going? Good, look, we're in the same room. I know. What do you think of that? We gave up on trying to do a hotel Wi-Fi. So now we're just crammed in a corner in Ronnie's room, because Ronnie actually has a desk in his room as opposed to a tiny table, so.

I won this one. Yeah. I won this hotel room round for sure. You really did. So here we are. We both are oddly colored today just because of different lighting and actual sun. I've actually seen the sun while I've been here.

It's just crazy. That's true. Yeah, not today. Today it's- Not today. It's gray and rainy, although I have actually not even stepped outside the hotel today, but that's okay.

I'll see it for, I'm going out to dinner tonight. Yeah, work trip. It's a podcasting day. What are you going to do? You're not supposed to see the outside. You're a podcaster. Okay. You're supposed to say hello to Europe out your window. Exactly. Well, we are in Europa for our Europe trip. We're going to be in London Friday night doing Amsterdam from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That one sold out, but who cares? Still try and come. That'll be fun. We can just look at you out the window and be like, hi, we're still inside. But thanks to everybody who's coming to that. We're excited to see you. And then on Saturday

in Dublin, we're going to be doing a Real Housewives of Orange County classic called Shamrocks and something Shamrocks and Shaloukis. And that's going to be really fun. And then we're going to be doing that's when they go to Ireland, get it? Because we're going to go to Ireland. And then the next day or one of those days next week, we're gonna be in Birmingham, doing another OC classic in Iceland, which is gonna be super fun. So thanks everybody and welcome to the show today.

Today is a recap of The Valley. It's episode 110, it's called Baby Moon Mayhem. Yeah, more adventures in Big Bear with the whole crew. It's episode 110. It's called Baby Moon Mayhem. Yeah. More adventures in Big Bear with the whole crew. So the last week on the episode, the big thing was that Brittany was barfing and Jax was yelling at her for barfing. And that's pretty much where we pick up.

Barfing. Yeah. A lot of barfing. So did you get, I'm sure you did because you're intelligent, but did you get that baby moon means like honeymoon, but for a baby? Yeah. A lot of barfing. So did you get, I'm sure you did, because you're intelligent, but did you get that baby moon means like honeymoon, but for a baby? Yeah.

I did not get that. Oh, okay. A baby moon? Why you get a baby moon? That's bullshit. And why do people have to go to your baby moon? Shouldn't that be a private thing? It should be a private,

I think normally it is a private thing, but they basically were like, we needed an excuse for a cast trip and this is what we're gonna do. So we're going to do. So we're going to just hang out in our church. I don't know what I thought it was. I mean, babies do come out kind of boony and you they're not wearing pants.

Yeah. And mannerless little losers that they are. So I was incorrect. I said that we left off with Brittany Puking, but actually where we left off is that Jax has just told Michelle that Kristen has told him, even though it was Jackson told Kristen, that Michelle has been texting celebrities sexy photos. And so he's just told Michelle this. And Michelle is like, Jesse is well aware.

He knows everything. I'm, you know, I'm a kind of person where like, let's say I meet a celebrity, I get really excited. And like, because I see them as a possibility to get away from Jesse and have a happy life, you know? Like they could be, or they could be a client or something. So I'm always calling and texting and emailing for coffee. So basically last week, it seemed like she was going

to be confessing to this affair with Rob Reiner that everybody knows that she's having, right? Everybody knows you've been in Meathead's Fupa, all right? So I don't even know what you're trying to fucking fake it about. But instead, instead of confessing, she's like, it is for real estate. It is all for. Send it sexy photos for real estate. It is LA, so I wouldn't put it past people to like expect sexy photographs

of their hot real estate agent, cause they're all hot, you know? But yeah, apparently it's not. So Jax is doing his, you notice he has a smart breath. A smart breath. So he's doing that. And she's like, Jesse knows everything.

And Jax is covering his face with a blanket. Cause look, in Jax's world, Michelle's extremely hot. So he should be letting her get away with this, you this. Just thinking like a pig, like a Jax type. But he's like, you know, honestly, I just don't like, I don't want to bug her because she's so hot. But I don't really know how real estate works. But I do know that you've got to call a lot of people. I don't know about sending them sexy pictures of yourself, but it didn't happen when I got my house. Trust me, I asked.

There were plenty of butt slaps and requests for sexy pictures, but never got one. He's like, when I bought my house, I didn't get sexy pictures for my realtor. I mean, did I send her dick pics? Perhaps, but I never got anything in return. She said you sent pictures of dresses where you look sexy or hot.

That's what Kristen said. I don't think that's anything related to work. And she's like, wow, I am shocked about these nonsense realizations. It's probably the wrong word that I wrote down, but I'm gonna stick with it. Maybe Jax is stirring something up because he wants to distract from the fact that his marriage might not be good.

No, Jax is not trying to distract. He's being very clear that his marriage sucks and his wife is an alcoholic, so we can all be on his side and root for him to leave Brittany because that's how Jax is. We see what he's doing. He's trying to also emphasize. It's like he's very sweet. He realizes he's an ensemble of terrible marriages. Yeah. He's like, everyone here fucking knows. I mean, Jess is the only one who doesn't know this. Michelle's like, he is my husband.

He knows everything, including how much I despise him. And he goes, everything I just said, well, not the sexy pictures part because that part's not true. It's like, I don't know. It's just like, it's so bizarre to me. Like, everything I just said, well, not the sexy pictures part, because that part's not true. He's like, I don't know, it's just like, it's so bizarre to me. Like, it's just like, it's not that she's taking sexy pictures.

It's like, sexy pictures to a certain celebrity. Like, wow, I can't even believe she has access to a celebrity like that. And so Michelle, he's like, well, what can I do? And she's like, there's nothing you can, nothing you have to do. Yeah, he turns into like little boy where he's like, oh God, that was real hard. I really didn't want to do that, Michelle. Yeah. can, nothing you have to do. Yeah, he turns into like little boy where he's like, oh God, that was real hard.

I really didn't want to do that, Michelle. Okay, what are we gonna do now? The typical like, I'm just a boy, just a little, little boy. I never meant to do any of this. So she's like, I can talk to Jesse. He is my husband. So she goes off after a nice little hug. And in the kitchen, Jason, there's a very fast,

this is a very LA conversation I feel like in the kitchen Jason there's a very fast this is a very LA conversation I feel like in the kitchen Jason's like hey uh do you guys want some pretzels with peanut butter and Danny's like I'll tell you who does Nia Nia does she loves peanut butter she's like yeah I like peanut butter but I don't like almond butter Daniel don't tell anybody I like almond butter because I only like peanut butter. And Jason's like, you know, almond butter isn't that good. Sugar is the real problem. A hundred percent. Hyundai, that's a Hyundai.

A hundred percent. That's a Hyundai under two. Hyundai under two percent. Hyundai under two. I got off the instant. When people discussing peanut butter, you know what the real problem is? The sugar bin.

I know. Just eat the fucking peanut butter. Shut the fuck up. Peanut butter's supposed to be relatively healthy. So now Brittany, she's still in bed, so Jax goes over and he's like, Brittany, you're the only one throwing up out of all the women, you cannot do this.

Shame you're being this only one with gastrointestinal issues. She's also the only one married to you, so I think we got away. But I like it would have been okay if it was all the women barfing. Yeah. It's just you. You're the only woman here. And she's like, Jackson, not because I was drunk, Jackson, okay?

I was not drunk. I'm not being drunk, Jackson, guys. It's me. It's just me. Yeah, well, what is it from them? Like everyone's normal. She might need some more of me. He isn't just me. Yeah, well, what is it from them? Like everyone's normal. She might need some more me, he's more me. He's like, you're the only sick girl. And he's like, I'm not going to support you. When you're drunk, when you're drinking, I mean, everyone else is normal. Why can't you be? It's like, he's even using language from afterschool specials. Like,

why everyone else has a normal mom? Why can't you be a normal mom? Why are you always drunk? Fuck you, Jax, get out of here. He is so obvious in what he's trying to do. Because he's tried to do it since the first episode. He's like, hey, everybody, remember me, I'm Jax. This is my alcoholic wife, Brittany, always drinking day in, day out. Hey, Brittany, packing lunches.

Do you need a drink for that? It's pretty stressful. He's like, I've been dealing with this for nine years. a drink for that? It's pretty stressful. He's like, I've been dealing with this for nine years. It's just like, it's not fun. I thought it would change when Cruz was born, but I think she's having a battle between being fun Britney and mom Britney.

I'm like, maybe she's just having a battle between Britney who had standards at one point in her life and Britney who's married to Jax. I would love to get in on that with you, but I don't think there was ever a time that Brittany had stand. That's fair. There is no evidence of that.

I want to get married at Versailles, Lillias. There's no evidence of that. My dream as a little girl was to get married in that mall off the freeway. Oh. So Jax is like, you should see the hell that she goes through the next morning. It's brutal.

I'm at my wits end because I keep telling her to stop and she won't change. So Jax, like, you should see the hell that she goes through the next morning. It's brutal. I'm at my wits end because I keep telling her to stop and she won't change. So Jax, the real, the real victim of her. 11.0. Yeah, exactly. So, um, so then Jason in the kitchen is to talk about how he hasn't talked to a woman that's not his wife for four years. And then Jax is like, well, someone's trying to have vanilla missionary sex later. So then we go to Michelle and Jesse. So she's like, you are not going to believe this.

You know, when Michelle's done something wrong, because it's the only time she smiles at Jesse, I've never I don't think we've ever seen her smile at Jesse. But now she's like, Jesse, you're not going to believe this. But another Kristin story. So Jax is like, I'm so sorry and I'm like just say it and Then he's like can we make this faster? Seriously, please so he's just like Jax Jax Jax and why are you doing that? I don't want to do the telephone game. So Jax comes up. It's like, oh man. I thought you were in bed

Look at you. Oh, I say I don't want to do the telephone game. Oh,ax comes up and he's like, Oh man, I thought you were in bed. Look at you. Oh, I said, I don't want to do the telephone game. Oh, is this the game? Oh, I love the telephone game. I fucked Jasmine. So would Brittany. I think telephone seems to be a big issue with this couple. So Jax is, so Michelle's like, so Kristen told him that I was doing more than texting and I basically laughed the way I laugh at Rob's movies. They're so funny.

Anyway, Kristin is a business woman and doesn't understand the concept of networking. Okay, so you have to have a business degree to know what sexting is. Got it. Yeah, it was all, there's like so many articles about it on LinkedIn. She hasn't even been to college.

She does not understand lingerie in texts. Yeah. So, Jesse's like, forget networking, what did you say? And so, Jax is like, well, God, this sucks, man. It sucks that I might be destroying your relationship. Oh, God, this hurts. Oh, God, it's so hard. I really, like, the fact that I am in one fell swoop,

destroying your marriage while also throwing Kristen under the bus for something that I said, man. The only that I am in one fell swoop, destroying your marriage while also throwing Kristen under the bus for something that I said, man... The only thing that would be harder than this is if Brittany was an alcoholic while this was happening. Ouch! It just happened! Oh, God! So she said that Michelle was texting this guy sexual pictures between each other saying that, like, oh, you're hot, you're sexy. It wasn't about real estate. Oh God, I hate having to say this. And Jessie's like, she hasn't had a job besides selling shitty t-shirts

and I don't give a shit. And I literally, you know what? She doesn't understand new leads. Like I literally send Michelle into rooms of old men. I'm like, go in there for those five guys and get their fucking number, loser. It's like, okay, so you're, what is that movie?

Hustle and Flow? You're hustling and flowing your wife, sounds great. Jesse's like, can you guys see how affected I am by this? Yeah, I'm not affected at all. I don't give a shit who she talks to. I'm not a jealous person, so let's just move on. So Jax is like, man, I'd be losing my shit if I found out Brittany was texting other men.

Now I think something's up. Like with the smoke, there's usually fire. Or Jax with the smoke machine. You know, I just figured if Brittany was texting other people, it'd be so pissed right now. Although I would be impressed that she could move her fingers over the number because she's so fucking drunk right now and is wasted. So in the kitchen, they were talking about making doing a cook-off of some sort. And Jasmine's asking like, what happened to you guys today?

And Danny's like, well, I'm just disappointed in Jesse. That Jesse can't reciprocate grown up situation that is confrontational. And there's a train going 75 miles per hour from Buffalo and one going 15 miles from Albany. And trying to say as one's a friendship train, one's a train going 75 miles per hour from Buffalo and one going 50 miles from Albany and trying to say one's a friendship train, one's a reciprocation train. Can you say this better, lawyer?

Yeah, you're a lawyer, can you talk? I like that they keep giving the lawyer qualities just because he's a lawyer. Can you form a basic, simple sentence, you're a lawyer. Why can't Danny just say, it sucks that Jesse can't be an adult or he can give it but he can't take it? Like that's all he has to say, but he's trying can't Danny just say it sucks that Jesse can't be an adult or like he can give it but he can't take it like that's all he has to say he's trying to be like really nice

about it so Jason's like yeah you guys ego got you and he could admit to it and like yeah there he is now and Jason's like what's going on man what's going on pussy what's going on pussy face thin-skinned pussy face and then he like hugs Danny and he's like yeah man I'm I'm sorry man like he's like you know at what point did the banter cross the lines? Like, I don't know when it got physical, when he started talking, when he started pretending to be my friend. I don't know. Maybe it started like maybe like six years ago or so. I don't know. And Jesse's like, I understand. I understand that you got uncomfortable. And I thought that was be funny and it wasn't funny. And for that, I apologize,

Michelle, send him a boob, send him a boob. Send him a boob on his text, Michelle. Right? Danny is saying, you know, when people apologize, he's quick to forgive. So it's all good, you know. But it's just a lot of sleep deprivation, taking care of kids.

And Danny's like, yeah, listen, there's a lot of things going on, man. I haven't talked about it. Sleep deprivation, kids, like you've talked about it. I'm not saying it's not important and that there are not things going on, but you've talked about it a lot. Yeah. So now the women are cooking in the kitchen and Michelle's like, so Nia, you're one confusing girl. You were so adamant that you didn't want to live in Santa Clarita. And then I showed you one house and I thought the point of this was gonna say and then it turns out you loved Santa Clarita

but instead it was just me looking around the house being like oh great Michelle's like I'm confused because I did it that way you could say I can't live here but you didn't say that why didn't you make a stand? What's wrong with you? I'm like- Yeah, are you doing it to make yourself happy or him happy? What is going on with you? First of all, you're driving all the way up to Santa Clarita just that way you could like have this passive aggressive

moment with Jesse and you want to facilitate that, Michelle. That's on you. I don't know why you're confused. You're the one who's setting up the situation. So Nia's like, well, you know, I make it Daniel, known to Daniel what I need and what I want, and then he listens to me. But then with this, he's just saying, I've heard you,

but it's not happening. And I feel like that's not even cool that he's not considering it. Yeah, so N of us like, yeah, Santa Clarita just feels so isolating and I feel so isolated. Should be on the billboard. Like, welcome to Santa Clarita.

So isolating. Yeah. So then the guys go outside and Jason's like, so what's going on with you? And Jesse's like, well, you know what? I got physical with you, Danny, and you didn't want in that moment. And Danny's like, yeah. And I was looking at you today at the beach thinking,

you're thin skinned and you know, you're okay. Of course he can't do it for two seconds. I just wanna apologize that some of us are more manly than you, okay. Really sorry about the lack of testosterone. And I hope you can recover from that one day. So they start laughing, Jax is laughing, and he's like, don't say it like that.

And Danny goes, hey, I don't know what you mean. I'm a freaking alpha, okay? Yeah, and Jesse just laughs. He's like, you know, you're an amazing man, a pussy, but a man. And I mean, this guy is the most amazing guy and husband, and we should all applaud this guy, because the way he treats women in relationships

is the way that no man ever should unless he wanted to call himself a big gaping vagina. Am I right, everyone? Am I right? Let's all dunk on Danny now. And Jax is like, yeah, you're amazing. I mean, you used to have sex with your wife. I haven't had sex with my wife in years. That's pretty good. It's hard to have sex with an alcoholic though. Not my dad. Hey, I just wanna say if I come after Danny, it's only in jest, cause he's such a big fucking target. So easy, look at this thin-skinned pussy.

Right, am I right guys? Such a little man, such a huge target. Am I right? What he lacks in height, he lacks really in so many things actually. There's nothing he compensates for. And Danny's like, if I'm shitting about this stuff, gosh, it's because I'm not, I'm not thick skin.

Oh, so he starts crying. He starts crying and he's like, come on, come on, man. I don't, Jesse's like, come on, you're an amazing man, a better person and a fantastic gaping Georgia O'Keeffe painting as well. And Danny's like, it's just a lot of work. You know, I'm up every two hours changing diapers, putting kids on boobs. Why do it all? I'm like, well, whose boobs are those? Because

you know, whoever's exactly right. That's exactly right. You're complaining that you're placing the kids on the boobs. Can we not? Can we? Can we talk about the person whose boobs is being suckled on? Can we not? Can we talk about the person whose boobs is being suckled on? Yeah.

So, and then, you know, I don't know if Jesse, Jesse always does that thing or he's still Jax. And it's of course fitting that he's friends with Jax because he does that thing every episode. He's like, look how changed I am. I did a Iowaska once, now look at me. And he's done it today where he comes down and apologizes. And then immediately he's like, yeah, women, she doesn't't respect that does she? Oh, the work that you do. And

Danny's like, well, she does, but I feel like, oh, they never respect it. Do they? They never give their appreciation. Wow, Jesse shocker shocker that your fucking marriage is on its way out. I know, right? So today is it's like, well, don't say that, don't say that Jason's got a kid coming. And Jack's like, oh, well, my wife wants to have another kid. I just don't know if I'm ready for that, right? I mean, barf you McBarferson, what am I to have a kid who just barfs all day too?

I mean, I don't know. I mean, if the kid's not 21 yet, how is it gonna even drink milk from Britney? Right? I hope they don't card you, you're gonna starve to death. You know what I mean? So then Dan, so then Jesse starts like fake crying. It's like, I want to have another kid now.

She doesn't want to have kids. It sucks. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. She probably wants to have kids, but not with you. You are a child. Yeah. She probably does not want to have sex with a psychopath. So he's like, Danny's like, well, what, why do you say that? Why do you feel that way?

It's like, I'm trying so hard. I think we're done, me and Michelle, we're done. And look at me trying hard in this relationship by crying to the man. Yeah. He's like, yeah, I just don't want my... This is his plea to everybody in all the Valley bars that he's going to be haunting, trying to pick up 22 year old tail for the next two

years because he's on TV, which we all know that's what's gonna happen, right? We're all ready for this. So he's like, guys, I I don't want my marriage to be over. Imagine me 40 year old man single with a kid, raising a daughter, it's a lot to take in and then he'd like look straight into the camera with teary eyes and like nods, shut the fuck up. I hope nobody's buying this. Yeah.

It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. It was the biggest scandal in pop music. The stars of Milli Vanilli, the Grammy winning multi-platinum R&B phenomenon were exposed as frauds, but none of this was their idea. So whose idea was it?

Enter German music producer Frank Farian. He saw the success of acts like Michael Jackson and Prince, and he wanted in, no matter the cost. So he devised the perfect pop heist. Two once-in-a-lifetime talents who were charismatic, full of sex appeal, and phenomenal dancers. The only problem? They couldn't sing.

But Frank knew just how to fix that. Wondery's new podcast, Blame It on the Fame, dives into one of pop music's greatest controversies and takes a never-before-heard look at the exploitation of two young Black artists. Milli Vanilli set the world on fire, but when the truth came out, Rob and Fab were the only ones who got burned. Looking back now, it's hard not to wonder, why did everyone blame them and not the man pulling the strings?

Follow Blame It on the Fame, Milly Vanilli on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Blame It on the Fame early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I'm Shimon Liai and I have a new podcast called The Competition. Every year, 50 high school senior girls compete in a massive scholarship competition. I wouldn't say I have an ego problem, but I'm extremely competitive. All of the competitors are used to being the best and the brightest, and they're all vying

for a huge cash prize. This will probably be the most intense thing you've ever gone through in your life. I remember that feeling, because I was one of them. I lost. But now, I'm coming back as a judge, and also a kind of teen girl anthropologist. Because if you want to understand what it's like to be a young woman in America today, the competition's not a bad place to start. Hopefully no one will die on stage tonight.

From Pineapple Street Studios and Wondry, this is The Competition. Follow The Competition on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to The Competition early and ad-free right now by joining Wondry+. So, he's like, all I care about is my daughter. I mean, imagine not having her parents together. I'm like, oh, imagine not having these two soulless, empty vessels of humans together fighting with each other in front of this daughter.

How terrible that would be. Yeah, so then he's trying to explain like, I'm moving this way and she's moving this way. And then we see all the clips of him trying and Michelle just being like, you're going to a retreat. Hopefully you can change your personality. So then Janet comes out and Janet's like, hi. And Jesse goes, nope, out, out. Which is so beyond rude that he would just like, he's not like, hey, can you just give him a minute? We're having a moment. He just says out. Like

he talks to her like she's literally a dog that's walked into the kitchen at the wrong time. Yeah. And now we've got two of them crying. It's him and Danny both crying. And she's like, excuse me. And she's like, well, I'm not gonna spend the night cooking for everybody. And then being told to shut up. So and he's like, and Jesse's like, I apologize. So she's like, no, I'm done. I just found the night cooking for everybody and then being told to shut up. So and he's like and Jess is like I apologize. So she's like no I'm done. I spent the night cooking and I am exhausted. I am done. So Jason chases after her of course and he's like Janet talk to me Janet Janet Janet

please. Janet don't close the door. Janet. She's like I am not cooking for 10 people. I'm exhausted. I'm starving. I'm pregnant. Brittany is passed out. No one else can cook except for Jasmine and I, and I am exhausted. Well, that's your fault for being friends with a bunch of idiots. You can't, none of you can.

This is why you always invite your servant gay to come along, because he'll do anything for you. Yeah, I'll bet you who could have made some burgers, Zach. I bet Zach could have been making some burgers. Meanwhile, you're off in the world insinuating that Zach wants to murder your unborn baby. Had you heard about this stuff? She went on.

I'm serious. You're like, what? She went on Gibson John's podcast. Hi, hi over there, good podcast. She went over on him, he did an interview, and she was like, yeah, well, you know, I just wanted people there who supported me bringing my baby to the term She said something along those lines like insinuating that Kristen and Zack want her baby to die or something

Oh, I'm gonna read you this. I know Ben loves when I read some some screenshots. Let's hear what happened Oh, you got all queued up ready to go. Yeah, I'm ready. So Kristen says wow, I had a fucking pregnancy loss I would never in a million years say something like that. Wait for me to post the text where I asked her about her pregnancy, including when she texted me the baby's first heartbeat and oh yeah, I was at her gender reveal. This is revolting. Oh, here's the quote from the podcast from Janet. It says, I surrounded myself with people that wanted to see my pregnancy and see it go to full term and see me become a mom and have a healthy child. And now I'm pretty certain that that is not what Kristen and Zach wanted. Wow. That's a wild accusation. I'm sorry. Bizarre. And so then Janet writes back to Kristen and says, it absolutely is revolting

that your BFF Zach said out loud that he was hoping I would miscarry and commit suicide this summer. All of our friends and castmates were aware of what he said and reached out expressing how disgusted they were by Zach's death wish upon my unborn child, except for you. Glad to hear now that you find his comments as revolting as everyone else.

Why is it getting this, you're at the Valley. You're not supposed to get this dark. That is wild. I mean, that's totally inappropriate for Zach to say, if he said it, like that's really repulsive. What happened and did he say that? Do you think he said it? What's your goals? Like, can I imagine Zach saying,

I hope she missed the car and dies. Unfortunately, yes, I can imagine him saying that. I don't know well enough from this show. Like, I don't want to go to bat for Zach. And then it turns out that Zach said that and they have all these texts, you know what I mean? So I'm not going to go there. Who knows?

But from this, we see Janet overreacting like crazy through this whole episode and then turning him into like Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. So I'm not really sure, but yikes, it got dark over in the valley. Yeah, as it usually does in the valley. No, it's always light.

There's so much sun. It's true. You're just blinded by all the sun. You're blinded. It goes dark eventually. It goes dark when you faint from it being 120 degrees outside, okay? This one, it goes dark.

But yeah, reserving my opinion is, on what actually happened, it's staying over here for now, just like gross, be less gross. I just like to, all I can say is, I'm just commenting on what Bravo gives us, because if I go too far into anything that's off of what Bravo gives us, then it's like, well, about this person, they said this,

but then if you look back, then they said this, and then if you go back and forth, then they said this. Okay, yeah, that's fair. And I'm like, I can't, I have to draw a line. I can only take in so much input. That's fair. But I had to bring it up, because that's a big thing right now on the old internet. Okay?

So, and it's relevant to this episode, as we'll see later in it. So Jason's like, oh, we're, sorry, Janet, I'm sorry. She's like, I'm exhausted. He's like, well, we were just talking about serious stuff, and people outside are crying, and she's like, oh, we're sorry, Janet, I'm sorry. She's like, I'm exhausted. He's like, well, we were just talking about serious stuff and people outside are crying. And she's like, well, I want to cry because I'm exhausted and I'm doing all this shit

and I'm exhausted. And he's like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She's like, you have a wife who's pregnant. And instead of thinking about their feelings, think about my feelings. And he's like, okay. And then they cry and hug.

And he's like, I didn't prioritize my wife and her baby moon. And I object to me because I'm a lawyer. But also that objection is overruled because I'm also a lawyer. Thank you, I'm a lawyer. So we go back to the kitchen and Michelle has decided that she's not gonna eat.

And she's like, so we're not all sitting down together. And Danny's like, does it look like it? And she goes, Danny, I'm not gonna eat. And she's like, so we're not all sitting down together. And Danny's like, does it look like it? And she goes, Danny, I'm not your wife. You can't talk to me like that. Ha ha ha, I'm not your wife. Which they made it seem like it was actually a very tense moment in the previous, but it was actually kind of like a jokey moment.

And then Jack's like, well, whoever cooked this, you girls did an amazing job. It's so good that you finally realized your role is in the kitchen. And like, you know, just ask my wife, because she's wasted right now. It feels like she's not wasted. She was just carsick.

Danny says, be kind man. Rewind. I know we don't have beta max anymore, but it rhymes. You want to talk about a beta max? That's Danny over here. Just take out the max part. Want to talk about drunk Max? Britney. Wasted.

So Janet is, so then meanwhile, Jesse starts like eating like food, like I guess it's a queso, like right over the bowl and just like chomping and Janet's like, oh, thanks for eating over the bowl of everyone else's cheese, you weirdo. He's like, what? What are you talking about, woman? He's like, nobody wants whatever came out of your mouth in the bowl. He's like, Oh my god, I love how he acts like he's like this doesn't understand the idea that like his germs might just all just tumble into that bowl, the communal bowl that everyone's

eating out of. But he can't eat anyway, because it's so hot. So he's like dancing around because it's hot. And Michelle's like, Yeah, I was like, how are you eating something spicy, because he can't eat spicy things. And Janice like, Oh, I was like, how are you eating something spicy? Because he can't eat spicy things. And Janice like, oh, really? He's a little bitch then. So then Nia's asking if Britney feels OK.

And I said, why don't you go ask her? I mean, I'm not walking to that. Let her write it out. That's how I do it. Danny's like, that's how you guys work it out. It's like, you know what? How was you know, how was she on the boat? OK, just tell me how much was you drinking about? Tell me. And they're like, she's how you guys work it out. And it's like, you know what? How was, you know, how was she in the boat? Okay, just tell me, how much was she drinking in the boat? Tell me, and they're like, she was fine.

And you're like, no, no, no, I'm gonna ask you one more time. I'm gonna ask you one more time. You better tell me the truth. The fuck are you, aggro? Get the fuck down. Yeah, and they're like zero. So Brittany comes out and she's like, J-A-X, everyone,

okay, I can hear you, J-X. Everyone has my back and you're fucking my, you're my fucking husband. You're trying to make me look like I'm a bad person. You think I wanna be in here not feeling good. Okay, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm your wife and I'm trying to make you,

you're trying to make me look bad in front of all these people. Fuck all of them. He's like, no, I'm not. How many of you do you see right now? How many of me are there, Sandy, Franny, right now? Derek, she stopped by. Everyone knows I was not drunk. I had two drinks today.

Well, she goes, yeah, she goes first. She says, I didn't drink anything today. Jax, I was not drunk. I had two drinks. I was like, now, Brittany, I want to support you on this. And I do support you because Jax being an asshole. But like you saying I didn't drink today. I had two drinks. It's like, that's, you know, that's you know that's drinking that's drinking that's the legal limit actually drinks so but still fuck that guy you know yeah what the woman drinking throw up you know let her live her life she's married to you I don't think you're gonna ever find someone who's not

drinking themselves into a stupor and throwing up yeah so get used to it so she's like fuck you you, Diggs. She slams the door, and then we hear the whirr. Brrr. And now the girls go to comfort her. So, I can hear, I can hear. I mean, do you think I wanna be in here throwing up all night? Do you think I want that?

No. And it tastes like worm, because one of my drinks had a worm in it. No, weird. It's like, I'm not gonna be in the bedroom every time we go out and you're sick. What do you want me to do? It's like, I'm in here in the toilet throwing up and he's yelling at me. Well, I'm throwing up.

And Michelle's like, you guys need to have a conversation when you're not, you know, when you're not, when you're feeling great, you know, like that's when you need to have your conversation. And so Brittany's like, well, he always puts me down. I mean, how many shots did he have today? Yeah, he's, she's just in the crying and the girls are crying. I mean, it's just like it was eight years ago. Brittany's in a room crying in the dark with girls telling her it's going to be okay. And Jax is in the other room yelling at the guys how it's not his fault. It's like nothing

has ever changed. And he's like, I mean, what am I supposed to do? I mean, she's always in the bathroom. Always. I mean, always in the bathroom because you're hungover. Maybe try not drinking at all. Maybe not shot. It happens every time. And so everybody's just staring at them because it gets so dark with them, you know, and everyone's like, okay, just trying to try to eat some cake so we'll spit all over it. So the girls are in the bedroom and Janet's like, Wow, you know what, something's got to change here. Michelle's like, it can be stress. When I stress out, I get sick. I mean, look at Jesse's hair. Have you ever seen a hair done every single day of your life? Talk about stress.

You just want to get in there with a comb and fluff it up and he won't let me touch it. I am fully stressed about it every single day and Jasmine's like let's call it for what it is okay I'm sick sick of you okay this was going on and let's you know got a point Jasmine's a very good voice of reason I can show I have to say she's killing it it's a voice of reason I didn't show. I have to say, she's killing it, it's a voice of reason. She's like, why am I here? Yeah. Like every time they show Jasmine, she's just like, check please. So Jax is still going off, like,

if you can't handle your alcohol and you stop drinking, what do you want, college? You're a mom, you are a mother. Cause Jax is of course wasted. And Jesse's like, you don't need to call her back out in front of everyone though, bro. He's like, yeah, it's not the first time. It's been going on for years.

It's not a bug either. She just needs to drink and she needs to throw up. I'm sick of that. So Brittany is like, I'm just gonna get some ray-o-yest. And it's like, I think that Jax is sucking away my sparkle. I'm gonna have a bunch of this skin tie. Anybody see my sparkle? Anybody? Missing my sparkle. Listen, I'm just trying to start. I'm just don't realize all these things in this man. Like I've been putting up with all not for the past nine years

of my life. So in the kitchen, Janet is like, Jax, can I say something to you? He's like, if you say something, say I'm wrong, I swear to God. She's like, I'm just saying, you both can be wrong, you both can be right, but I highly suggest therapy, okay? You're not communicating well, you need a third party to communicate with you.

I cannot believe it wasn't like, we were just at a third party, that sex therapist or whatever. Yeah, I think partying is not what they need the most. And she he jacks like I've gone through therapy a few times and it's like it's never worked for me mainly because I just don't listen. But our relationship is like shit right now. So I've got to do something. I got an idea. Mommy drink some more. I'll go the NPM. I'll be right back.

Yeah, Jack has not gone through therapy. He's gone to it and left it. He's never gone through. He's gone to like Bravo sanction therapy for like one episode per season. Like for the last four years of Band of Roperals. So then Brittany's like, where is my sparkle? I believe in true love. What if love isn't enough? What if it isn't enough? What if it isn't enough?

I'm just a girl, a girl who had nothing but two drinks, standing in a bookstore. Why am I standing in a bookstore? Girls with sparkle ain't in bookstores? Where's my sparkle? I must be wasted right now. So I gotta throw up. You're drunk. Like that's not the Hugh Grant movie, dude. Um, so Jason and Janet are hanging out because people are going to bed and stuff. And Jason's like, so was she drinking? And she's like, No, we didn't even open up the cooler

on that pontoon. This has been going on for like two years. He's been screaming at her about drinking in front of people. It's like, guys, either fix something or it's gonna end the marriage. Yeah, and then it goes to Jackson. He's just sitting there like, I still hear her throwing up. He's very triggered.

And so Jackson's like, this is the baby moon from hell. So Jackson's like, if she has a cocktail in the morning, I'm losing it. So now it's the morning and now Jax and Brittany waking up in their normal cycle where he's like, hey, how are you? What's up, honey? Oh, I'm better than last night,

but we gotta talk. And he goes, oh, I hate that. What do you wanna talk about? What do you wanna talk about? You remember any of your conversation from last night? Do you remember how you were yelling at her on camera, shaming her for throwing up? That's Jax. And he's like, first of all, let me get this out. Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry.

Sorry that I, you know, yelled at you. I just thought you drank too much. That's all. That's all. But you drank way more than I did. And you made it look like everyone else like I had a drinking problem or something. And then you come into the room and you're peeking in and yelling at me while I'm already miserable. It was so embarrassing. And if you were sitting up, sitting there throwing up, I would be there to help you out.

What's up? But I didn't throw up, okay? I can drink a lot. I can still hold myself. I can still hold myself. Yeah, but you know I have a sensitive stomach. I got it even before I met you. I had one.

Yes, well let's just cut down to the drinking now. Let's just cut down on it. Let's just cut down on it. Okay, I get that I'm not being kind to my body or even to like anything because I'm married to Jax but one shot does not mean I have a drinking problem and that's what that's what he's making me feel like and he's making me make me so stressed and unhappy that my body's turned against me. Okay so then she's like you better learn to communicate with me

better, Jax. Okay, you better make me feel pretty. You're gonna make me feel drunk, make me feel pretty and drunk. I have a little romance in our lives. What about that, Jack? He's like, sorry, it won't happen again this morning, but this afternoon, I've got open, it's open range. So, Brittany's like, okay, well that just sounds like the worst apology ever. And then Michelle and Jesse are like in another room and like, Oh my god, listen to them bigger. Michelle and Jesse have not been a total disaster this entire season.

Yeah. So Jackson's just like, Okay, everything's great. So he just kisses her and leaves. I'm just too forgiving. So in the kitchen, Brittany, they come into the kitchen, Brittany's like, Morning, I'm live, everybody. It's great. So in the kitchen, they come into the kitchen. Brittany says, morning, I'm live everybody. It's great. So of course, Jesse, who's from Copley, he's been to Copley. I don't know if you've heard, but he's like, guys, we haven't eaten creme fraiche because I can scramble some eggs if there's creme fraiche. Without it, it's garbage. It's utter poor people garbage. Yeah. I love this guy who can only scramble with creme fraiche. And Brittany's bring his like hi everyone. I'm sorry

I wasn't feeling good yesterday, but Jack's apologize. I know he didn't mean nothing by you know, he's a good guy after all He's like, yeah, everyone everything's fine. Everything's okay Just is like, oh, yeah, they're pros the apology. Everything's great. I've done that. There's nothing settled wounds are just being opened up It's only been matter of time before Jackson stay crying about wanting to have a baby. So I think it's a long road ahead so then um Michelle's hugging Janet and then we find out she's hugging her and Janet's like I am Exhausted guys. That's exhausted. Okay, she's like literally And Michelle's like I wish you hadn't seen that before you went to bed.

And then we find out, Zach posted a story and Jason's like, yeah, that was a real dick move. And Brittany's like, oh, don't overthink it. Even if he popped up, he ain't gonna show up here, Kai. And she's like, I don't know, like what are they talking about? I rewind it three times, like pop up. What if he does a pop up?

I couldn't understand what they were saying. And all I had to do is keep it playing. Yeah. So basically, Zach posted a story. It was like a black screen and he put up a geo tag that said Big Bear. Just to make it seem like he had checked into Big Bear. And that like freaked out Janet and she's like, Oh my god, like hairs went up on the back of my neck. I'm trying to say that's I have a hairy neck. And I'm like, it's like I'm like, is my God, like, hairs went up on the back of my neck. I'm trying to say that's I have a hairy neck. And I'm like, is he here?

Is Kristen with him? Are they gonna shave my neck? I'm like, is he here to wreak havoc on my baby moon? I'm like, wreaking havoc on your baby moon? Have you seen your baby moon already? You already have Jackson Jesse on this trip. The havoc has been wreaked. It's been rocked.

Okay. The wreak has been rocked. Zach is not gonna make it any worse. Yeah, so then they turn this into like, this scary, scary turtle shell head is coming to get, Koopa Troopa head is coming to get janished. Like, I am terrified. How could they do this to me when they pregnant? They know it's terrifying to me.

I'm just so scared. That's so stupid and so gross. Give me a fucking break with this. Yeah, they're like acting like he is a full on stalker and Jasmine's like, yeah, like it's not that deep, you know, like, cause Janet's like, what do you think his intention was? She's like trolling.

So then we go to Kristen's apartment where- And Janet's like, it doesn't feel like a friendly, oh, hey, I'm going to Big Bear. It feels like I'm in Big Bear. And I say oh this is all funny games because they're putting graphics up of like you know horror music and like stabbing or whatever but then to read Janice they're trying to kill my baby post that is really what she's going for okay so she's like I just fucked with my mind. I couldn't sleep all night. I was terrified, terrified of Zack.

Literally the only person to ever say that, really. I mean, unless Zack was like the host at a restaurant, then I think we would have heard that more from people like, oh my God, it's him again. God, Zack's coming over here. Hi, are you enjoying everything tonight? I was gonna say the barbershop, they're like, oh God, I'm about to run another pair of scissors trying to penetrate

this thing. Commercials, here comes one right now. I'm Alaina, an autopsy technician. And I'm Ash, a hairstylist. And we just love swapping stories about all of the morbid things that fascinate us. And if you do too, join us on our podcast, Morbid. It's a safe space to let your weirdo fag fly. On Morbid, we cover dark historical events, sinister science, unnerving paranormal events,

and sordid high society murders. We also dive deep into the most notorious crimes in history. Our podcast is grounded in rigorous and painstaking research. We're also not afraid to read a f***. We keep it weird because a dash of snark is necessary to get through grotesque true tales of demented minds. So follow Morbid on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Morbid early and ad free right now

by joining Wondery Plus. So we go to Kristen's apartment and she's like set up little like sad pedicure, like foot baths and everything. And Zach shows up and she's- I notice that nobody does the pedicure she sets up pedicures but they don't get a petty person they just put their their feet in like I was wondering how that was gonna work I was like are they just gonna cut

their own nails afterwards like welcome to your spa day that's actually not at a spa she'll actually peed in that but this is actually Jill barfed in this after eating a rose petal um yeah why don't they actually just go to a spa that was the funny part that's like the difference between this after eating a rose petal. Yeah, why don't they actually just go to a spa? That was the funny part. That's like the difference between this and like a Real Housewives show, because like on the Real Housewives, they go to a spa, but on this show, they just have to like go to Target and get some foot baths. Yeah. Line them up and then just sit on her like mangy couch. Yeah. So Zach's like, okay, well guess what we're doing? This is spa day, but it's actually, it's like, it's like shit talking day. Okay okay cuz like it's supposed to be a spa day where it's putting our

feet in getting a pedicure but we're not really doing that you know we're gonna do instead we're gonna talk gossip about people who aren't here we're gonna talk about she who can't be named okay that's what we're gonna do cuz it's not pedi day it's a pedi day actually that would have been better. It's a petty cure day So that was he I was just sitting there for him So Zach is like so I'll be well like have you been since like James May James May and He's like seriously like good like thanks for helping with that I was like, yeah

Also, Janet decided sell jocks like to like come tell us us we weren't invited instead of calling us. We have been so good working on our friendship and I thought we were in a great place. And then for her to come up with all these excuses, did you happen to even see my Instagram story? And then we see the story again and Kristen's like, sure did. Seriously, great use of a geotag. Yeah, I may have been shady because I put up a geotag on a black screen. I was like, sure did. Seriously, like, great, you saw a geo tag. He's like, yeah, I may have been shady because I put up a geo tag on a black screen. It was like so shady.

I'm a bit shady right now, isn't I? No, that's like, you better watch out. I'm just shady. So Kristen's like, the level of petty is like the perfect level of petty for me. They still didn't come up with petty, Kieran. I'm like, come on, that's right there. It's right there.

It's right there. Literally petty. So close, guys. So then Jesse back at the house, they're eating breakfast. And they're talking about Janet Gusso has everybody's breakfast and Jesse's like, Well, we're almost done with it. And Zach's head hasn't popped up above one of those bushes yet. So I guess it's a good day. Would you really be able to tell though,

if his head popped up above a bit, but I guess it's a good day. Would you really be able to tell though, if his head popped up above a bush that it wasn't just more of the bush? Just wondering. It's just like. So Janet is like, she's like, you know, I'm just, I'm worried that if you come, that you know, that this will be a bridge to Kristin and she'll come and that will stress me out.

And to hear that, that would stress me out. And then to do it and then to post pretending that he's doing it, that's just like mean. It is so mean. Okay, Janet, you need to settle down. A story that just has a geotag on it is really not that mean. It's just shady and sad.

Why don't you just bring a gun to hold to my baby's head? Just bring a gun to hold to my baby's head. Like, okay, Janet. So then they're like, oh my God, if Kristen was here and Janet's like, I would definitely call 911 if Kristin was here. I would call the manager of Kristin and file a complaint. So then back to Zach and Kristin,

Zach is like, I mean, my thing is like, you know what? Like, if you, if my thing is if I'm joining you and you want to take that seriously or whatever, but like, you know what? A true friend would know that like, I'm joining you and you want to take that seriously or whatever, but like, you know what, a true friend would know that like I'm just kidding and they'd be like, seriously, that guy's a motherfucker and I'm going to kick him in the balls the next time I see him. Yeah, but she's not your real friend.

So you should know her well. I mean, they know her. So he should know her well enough to know that she's going to take this and make him look like, you know, a terrorist. Yeah. Basically. is gonna take this and make him look like, you know, a terrorist, basically. And he's like, I've always said I'm petty with a purpose. And my purpose is to cure myself of the situation.

I am giving myself a petty cure. Okay, it's like, you're so close, Zach. You're so close to the pun. Do it, do it, Zach. And Chris is like, we could have been pettier. We could have gone to a pine tree. Could have added a pine tree emoji to that, really, to drive it home.

So Jessie's like, so everyone, big news. Michelle gave me a hug from behind. Yeah, that has happened in seven years. She's not a behind hugger, you know? So if you hear the headboard knockin', don't come a-knockin'. Yeah, she was basically cosplaying as a boss and below deck. That's coming up and hugging me from behind. And Janet's like, Yeah, well, it'll only be knocking for our

22 seconds. Did you guys hear that noise? I think was that Oh, nevermind. It was just Dennis jumping under the table. Oh, gosh, I was back. So then they're like, So what are we doing today? And Brittany's like, I'm gonna go hot in today with people go hiking. It's gonna be so fun. It's where you get out, you take your car and

you know, someone else take over. I don't really know what hiking actually means. I just know that Jack's always telling me to go on one go. So Michelle is like, well, I organized paddle yoga with Janet and that's where you watch yoga, you watch paddles doing yoga and brings like, oh, you're all gonna be so cute with your belly button doing it now, you know, because you're pregnant and stuff all your time feel that I don't feel like kicking. So Jasmine, it just gives a look like, she's like, yeah, well, we planned this baby shower today. So we have to hurry and get her out before Zach shows up. Just kidding. So inside, Brittany's like, y'all think she believed it?

Michelle goes, no, nobody thinks you're going to hike. Brittany said, but I put on my hiking boots. It's like you put it on your head. You're balancing two boots on your head and they just fell off. Oh, so hot. Hey, it's not hot. Hey, is there a bar here called hiking? Okay, so later Jason is like guys, Janet is terrified and can't leave the home. So she's in the bed and the fetal position. She has created her own panic room out of several pillows. So if Dwight Yoakam comes by or Zach, just like, please just just give her a heads up.

So Jason's like, so they're like, okay, we're gonna set this up. And so now the guys leave because they're gonna go fish. So they get in the back door and Jackson's like, I love the back door. Ha. So Danny is like, Oh, just the first knuckle though. You wrote these notes wrong. And you- Yeah, that really happened.

That really happened? Yeah, because that's their joke. And they're talking about getting it up the back. Jenny's like, this the first knuckle. I was like, I just fell into one of Ronnie's jokes. No, that's, they said it. So then Jasmine braids Brittany's hair and they're talking about the restaurant Jax's

and Brittany's like, it's just so stressful, it's our future! And you know, it's like, it's just a horror because every time I go in there it's just worse. I mean there's tables in the middle of the restaurant, we're owners now, we got our reputations invested, you know, our reputations are huge, it's worth so much money Listen if you if you invest zero you can get zero back no matter how many times you multiply it I'm right now your reputation is Regulations. Yeah for sure. So Jasmine's like well Danny is so nice and Jesse comes off as being better You know being bitter and Britain is like, yeah those two don't mesh very well, you know, I'm sorry But they just have to apologize, they'll be all good.

So Jesse is in the car or wherever. Jesse's like, he's like, you know, I prefer women who are like a renaissance meaning, you know, I don't like skinny girls with abs. Yeah, I can't wait to see the next big girl that Jesse dates. Shut the fuck up, Jesse, nobody believes you. Just be quiet.

Can you just have a non-sexist moment, please? And Dan's like, oh, so you think your wife is thick? He's like, No, she was way smaller when I met her. So then when I met her, Stenny's like, well, I'm always messing with a girl who's five, three or four, five, four, you know, like, is that my Napoleon complex? Maybe. Jason's like, Oh, I don't think that's what Napoleon complex means. They're daddy-ish.

It's when you're short and you want to make love to other short people. Especially if it's your mom. Want to fuck your mom because she's short too. It's like two short people fucking in the same family. That's what Napoleon is, right? What complex is that? Edible. Edible.

Edible conference. is that? So edible, edible, edible, comparable. Jackson's like, Oh, I got a real edible complex to man like, I just love getting stoned. It's like, edible, edible, edible, who wants to eat their mom? What way did you mean that? Jackson first knuckle only my so Jason's like, Yeah, I think it means like when you're short, and then you over compensate by being an asshole about nah, means you want to fuck your mom while you're eating a pizza that doesn't have

real cheese just circular blobs. So Jason's like, No, no, it just means you're short and you you're being an asshole. You know, it's like, no, no, it just means you're short and you're being an asshole, you know? It's like, I don't think so. Jess is like, what if it means part of your hair is shorter than other parts of your hair and you got a complex about that? Is that what a Napoleon complex is?

So then Jason reads the definition to us in the diary room and then it cuts to Danny also reading the definition, which both definitions prove that Danny is incorrect, but Danny reads and he's like, and it means a short person overcompensates by being a dick to people. And he just like nods and winks at the camera like,

told ya. He's got a real alpha complex. It's kind of hilarious how this is emerging late in the season. I told you there's something, there's darkness in those eyes. So Jesse, he's like, well, I feel like you're completely full of shit. Your wife wears the pants

and that's not someone making you feel confident, pussy. And Jax is like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. If he's happy though, I mean, my wife wears the pants. And everyone's like, no, she doesn't. Jesse's like, yeah, you're difficult. If she says the sky is red, you're like, you're an idiot. Jax is like, I wouldn't call her an idiot, just an alcoholic.

An idiot alcoholic, the worst kind. It's an idiot bad mother alcoholic. Jackson's like, I'm not talking about what you say. It's how you react. You're always fighting. And I think you've been fighting to prove yourself for a long time. You don't need to prove yourself to your wife. She's a woman, man. Why would you even try to prove yourself to that? And Jackson's like, yeah, you know, it's because we've got so many businesses, you know, this one, that one, AM, PM, day, night, it's a lot going on, man. Man, have you ever tried to drive down Laurel Park, Laurel Canyon Boulevard? There's so many businesses on that, man.

It's like they're ours almost, but they're not, but like they're, they feel like ours. That's like so much going on in our life, man. I mean, he's I said yeah, but you know, I'm aggressive, but I know who I am. So that's okay So I'm aggressive, but I know it it's like no, that's not the most important thing the most important thing It's not knowing that you're it's not being that way. Yeah fuck wit. So Jax is like, yeah, you know, like I think it sorry think, sorry, you know, am I causing this? Am I causing her to drink? God. I mean, if that's the case,

we got a whole other issue to deal with. And Danny's like, well, you should get a third party, third party under two. And Jesse's like, he's like, well, I think you're all asking the wrong person because I'm literally in the middle. And all of them are like, no, no, no, no one's asking you. You know, they're all like, no one's gonna, well, I think you're all asked the wrong person because I'm literally in the middle. And all of them are like, no, no, no, no, no, it's asking you, you know,

they're all like, no one's gonna ask you buddy, okay. Yeah. And he's, Jack's like, I love you to death, but Jesus, your marriage is on the fence too. And they're like, Jason goes, you just said two, like yours is also on the fence. And Jack said, no, no, I shouldn't have said that. I don't even know what the fence is. Like what's the fence?

Like, like I'm always like, when I watch Home Improvement, I'm like, look at Wilson. He's poking his head over that strange wooden thing. I wish it had a name. I wish I had, I don't even know what offense is. Mm, I am the fence. Mm, down here goes here. Your marriage is on top of me.

So Jesse's like, yeah, I feel bad because he's where I was a year ago, you know, hope you're looking forward to another year of meatloaf jokes, meathead jokes. Or meatloaf jokes. Meatloaf jokes. And meathead jokes. All the jokes have had to start with meat.

Danny's like, bro, this isn't the quality of life, Jack. You gotta change things, brother. And that's how we end The Valley. Wow. I really never thought this was gonna end up being the plot with Janet is The Valley. I wonder how many episodes did they have? I don't know, but it's definitely like getting that part where I like, when they, just before the preview

for next week starts, I brace for them to say, next week on the season finale. And then every time they don't say it, I'm like, oh my God, yeah. Cause I just need several more episodes of this. It's so good. I am still shocked that there's no reunion for it. Like there's so much that needs to be hashed out.

I mean, I'm sure they'll do a chaotic like clubhouse reunion, you know, but like this one, this show deserves a big proper reunion with questions and you know, consequences. Bad answers. Bad answers, excuses. People run around not telling the truth about things. Yeah, it's so good. I can't believe it. Well, I'll tell you what life is. It's beautiful. I'll tell you what life is not. It ain't fair.

Okay? We're not getting a reunion. Okay? But, um, hey Ben, could you hand me that milk? Hi. Okay, here's some milk. Okay, here's some milk. Look on the back of this milk. Missing. Sparkle. I'm a Sparkle, John Hicks. Hey, hey, does this blockbuster carry a copy of the feature film Sparkle? Of course it doesn't, because it's missing. Bye, everybody. Thanks for being here. Bye! It's a Sheila, she's a Daniela. Itchels! Erin McNicholas, she don't miss no trickles.

She's never scary, it's the green fairy. Jamie, she has no less namey. Hava Nagila Webber! Know your worth with Jason Kurtz. Sip some scotch with Jessica Trotch. She's always supplying, it's Kelly Ryan. Kristen the Piston Anderson! Let's give a kisserino to Lisa Lino.

We wanna hang with Liz Lang! Megan Berg! You can't have a burger without the Berg! The Bay Area Betches! Betches! And our super premium sponsors! Somebody get us 10 cc's of BetsyMD! We're taking the gold with Brenda Silva!

Let's get real with Kaitlyn O'Neal! Don't get salty with Christine Pepper! Can't have a meal without the Emily sides. We forever love Ava. Nobody holds a candle to Jamie Kendall. We got our wish, it's Jen Plish. She's not harsh, she's Jill Hirsch. She's a little bit loony. Junie.

My favorite Murdo. Karen McMurdo. We love him madly, it's Kyle Pod Shadley. Let's go on a bender with Lauren Fender, the incredible, edible Matthews sisters. Give him hell, Miss Noelle. Ring that bell, pour Rachel. She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke. Shannon, out of a cannon, Anthony. Let's take off with Tamla Plain.

She ain't no shrinkin' violet Coutar. We love you guys.