Watch What Crappens - #2434 The Valley S01E10: Zack Attack!(?)

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

The cast trip on The Valley (S01E10) continues, and Zack terrifies poor Janet when he pretends he’s going to show up on her Babymoon. We’re not sure where this is going, but one thing you can be sure of? Jax will call Brit an alchie every five minutes until we all believe it. Grab tickets for our European tour at watchwhatcrappens.com. Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensFind bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Well, hello and welcome to watch what crapans. A podcast about all that crap we'd love to talk about on YOLBROFs. I'm Ronnie. That's Ben. Hi, Dan. Hi, how's it going? Good. Look, we're in the same room. I know. What do you think of that?

We gave up on trying to do a hotel Wi-Fi. So now we're just crammed in a corner in Ronnie's room. Because Ronnie actually has a desk in his room, as opposed to a table. I won this one. Yeah. I won this hotel room round, for sure. You really did. So here we are. We both are oddly colored today just because of different lighting and actual sun. I've actually seen the sun while I've been here. It's crazy. That's true. Yeah. Not today. Today it's... Not today. It's gray and rainy. Although I have actually not even stepped outside the hotel today. But that's okay. I'll see it for... I'm going out to dinner tonight.

Yeah, work trip. It's a podcasting day. What are you going to do? You're not supposed to see the outside. You're a podcaster. Okay? You're supposed to say hello to you about your window. Exactly. Well, we are in Europa for our Europe trip. We're going to be in London Friday night doing Amsterdam from Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. That one's sold out, but who cares? Still try and come. That'll be fun. We can just look at you out the window. Be like, hi, we're still inside.

But thanks to everybody who's coming to that, we're excited to see you. And then on Saturday in Dublin, we're going to be doing a Real Housewives of Orange County Classic called Shamrocks and something, Shamrocks and Shilukis. And that's going to be really fun. And then we're going to be doing, that's when they go to Ireland. Get it, because we're going to go to Ireland. And then the next day, or one of those days next week, we're going to be in Birmingham, doing another OC classic in Iceland, which is going to be super fun.

So thanks, everybody, and welcome to the show today. Today is a recap of The Valley. It's episode 110. It's called Baby Moon Mayhem. Yeah. More Adventures in Big Bear with the whole crew. So the last week on the episode, the big thing was that Brittany was barfing. and Jax's was yelling at her for barfing.

And that's pretty much where we pick up. Barfing. Yeah. A lot of barfing. So did you get, I'm sure you did because you're intelligent, but did you get that baby moon means like honeymoon but for a baby? Yeah. I did not get that. Oh, okay.

A baby moon? Why don't get a baby moon? That's bullshit. And why do people have to go to your baby moon? Shouldn't that be a private thing? It should be a private. I think normally it is a private thing. But they basically were like, we need an excuse for a cast trip.

and this is what we're going to do. So we're going to just hang on. I don't know what I thought it was. I mean, babies do come out kind of mooning you. They're not wearing pants. Yeah. Manorless little losers that they are. So I was incorrect.

I said that we left off with Brittany puking. But actually where we left off is that Jax has just told Michelle that Kristen has told him, even though it was Jaxe told Kristen, that Michelle has been texting celebrities, sexy photos. And so he's just told Michelle this. And Michelle is like, Jesse is well aware. He knows everything. I'm a kind of person where, like, let's say I meet a celebrity. I get really excited. And like, because I see them as a possibility to get away from Jesse and have a happy life, you know, like they could be or they could be a client or something. So I'm always calling and texting and emailing for coffee. So basically, last week it seemed like she was going to be confessing to this affair with Rob Reiner that everybody knows that she's having, right? Everybody knows you've been in Meatheads, Fupa.

All right. So I don't even know what you're trying to fucking fake it about. But instead of confessing, she's like, it is for real estate. It is all for real estate. It's sexy photos for real estate. It is L.A., so I wouldn't put it past people to expect sexy photographs of their hot real estate agent because they're all hot, you know. But, yeah, apparently it's not. So Jacks is doing it.

You notice he has a snort breath? Yeah. Uh-huh. So he's doing that. And she's like, Jesse knows everything. And Jax is covering his face with the blanket. Because look,

in Jax's world, Michelle's extremely hot. So he should be letting her get away with this. You know, just thinking like a pig, like a Jack's type. But he's like, you know,

honestly, I just don't like, I don't want to bug her because she's so hot. But I don't really know how real estate works. But I do know that you've got to call a lot of people.

I don't know about sending them, uh, sexy. pictures of yourself, but it didn't happen when I got my house. Trust me, I asked. There were plenty of butt slaps and request for sexy pictures,

but never got one. He's like, when I bought my house, I didn't get sexy pictures for my realtor. I mean, did I send her dick pics? Perhaps. I never got anything in return. She said you sent pictures of dresses where you look sexy or hot. That's what Kristen said. I don't think that's anything related to work. And she's like,

wow, I am shocked about these nonsense these nonsense realizations, it's probably the wrong word that I wrote down, but I'm going to stick with it. Maybe Jacks is stirring something up because he wants to distract from the fact that his marriage might not be good. No, Jacks is not trying to distract. He's being very clear that his marriage sucks and that his wife is an alcoholic so we can all be on his side and root for him to leave Brittany because that's how Jacks is. You know, we see what he's doing. He's, he's trying, to also emphasize. It's like he's very sweet.

He realizes he's an ensemble of terrible marriages. Yeah. He's like, everyone here fucking knows. I mean, Jesse's the only one who doesn't know this. Michelle's like, he is my husband. He knows everything, including how much I despise him. And he goes, everything I just said, well,

not the sexy pictures part because that part's not true. It's like, I don't know. It's just like, it's just like, it's not that she's taking sexy pictures. It's like, sexy pictures. It's like, sexy pictures, to a certain celebrity. Like, wow, I can't even believe she has access to a celebrity like that. And so, Michelle, he's like, well, what can I do?

And she's like, there's nothing you can, nothing you have to do. Yeah, he turns into, like, little boy where he's like, oh, God, that was real hard. I really didn't want to do that, Michelle. Yeah. Okay, what are we going to do now? The typical, like, I'm just a boy, just a little, little boy. I never meant to do any of this.

So she's like, I can talk to Jesse. He is my husband. So she goes off after a nice little hug. And in the kitchen, Jason, there's a very fast, this is a very LA conversation, I feel like in the kitchen. Jason's like, hey,

do you guys want some pretzels with peanut butter? And Danny's like, I'll tell you who does. She knew you. New you does. She loves peanut butter. Yeah, I like peanut butter, but I don't like almond butter, Daniel. Don't tell anybody I like almond butter

because they only like peanut butter. And Jason's like, you know, almond butter isn't that good. Sugar's the real problem. 100% hondi that's a honda honda 100%

actually hondi under two hondi under two percent got off the skinned what people discussing peanut butter you know what the real problem is the sugar bed I know just eat the fucking peanut butter

is supposed to be relatively healthy so now Brittany she's still in bed to jacks goes over and he's like Britney you're the only one throwing up out of all the women you cannot do this shaming her for being this only one with gas intestinal issues.

She's also the only one married to you, so I think we got it. But I like it would have been okay if it was all the women barfing. Yeah. It's just you. You're the only woman here. And she's like,

Jack, it's not because I was drunk, Jacks, okay. I was not drunk. I'm not being drunk. Jacks, okay. It's me. It's just me. Yeah, well, what is it from them?

Like, everyone's normal. She doesn't need to support me. He's like, you're the only sick girl. And he's like, I'm not. going to support you when you're drunk when you're drinking i mean everyone else is normal why can't you be it's like he's even using language from after school specials like well everyone else has a normal mom why can't you be a normal mom or you always drunk fuck you jacks get out of here he is so obvious

in what he's trying to do because he's tried to do it since the first episode he's like hey everybody remember me i'm jacks this is my alcoholic wife brittney always drinking day and day out Hey, Brittany, packing lunches. Do you need a drink for that? It's pretty stressful. He's a drink. He's like, I've been dealing with this for nine years. It's just like, it's not fun.

I thought it would change when Cruz is born. But I think she's having a battle between being fun, Brittany, and mom, Brittany. I'm like, maybe she's just having a battle between Brittany who had standards at one point in her life and Britney who's married to Jacks. I would love to get in on that with you, but I don't think there is every time that Brittany had standard. That's fair. There's no evidence of that. There's no evidence of that. My dream as a little girl was to get married in that mall off the freeway.

So, Jax, it's like, you should see the hell that she goes through the next morning. It's brutal. I'm at my wits end because I keep telling her to stop and she won't change. So, Jack, the real victim of her. Yeah, exactly. So then Jason in the kitchen is to talk about how he hasn't talked to a woman that's not his wife for four years. And then Jan's like, well, someone's trying to have vanilla missionary sex later. So then we go to Michelle and Jessie.

So she's like, you are not going to believe this. You know when Michelle's done something wrong? Because it's the only time she smiles at Jesse. I don't think we've ever seen her smile at Jesse. But now she's like, Jesse, you're not going to believe this. But another Kristen story. So Jack's is like, I'm so sorry. And I'm like, just say it.

and then he's like, can we make this faster? Babe, seriously, please. So he's, Jesse was like, Jacks, Jacks, Jacks. And he's like, why are you doing that? I don't want to do the telephone game.

So Jacks comes up, and it's like, oh man, I thought you were in bed. Look at you. It's like, I don't want to do the telephone game. Oh, is this a game? Oh, I love the telephone game. I fuck Jasmine. So would bring me.

I think telephone seemed to be a big issue with this couple. So Jack's is, so Michelle's like, so Kristen, told him that I was doing more than texting, and I basically laughed the way I laugh at Rob's movies. They're so funny.

Anyway, Kristen is a businesswoman and doesn't understand the concept of networking. Okay. So you have to have a business degree to know what sexting is. Got it. Yeah, it was all... There's like so many articles about it on LinkedIn. She hasn't even been to college. She does not understand lingerie in texts.

Yeah. So... So Jesse's like, forget networking, what did you say? And so Jacks is like, well, God, this sucks, man. It sucks that I might be destroying your relationship. Oh, God, this hurts. Oh, God. It's so hard. I really, like, the fact that I'm

in one fell soup, destroying your marriage while also throwing Kristen under the bus for something that I said, man. The only thing that would be harder than this is if Britney was an alcoholic while this was happening. Ouch, it just happened. Oh, God. So she said that Michelle was texting

this guy sexual pictures between each other saying that like, oh, you're hot, you're sexy, it wasn't about real estate, oh God, I can happen to say this. And Jesse's like, she hasn't had a job besides selling shitty t-shirts, and I don't give a shit. And I literally,

you know what, she doesn't understand new leads. Like, I literally send Michelle into rooms of old men. I'm like, go in there for those five guys and get their fucking number. Loser. I was like, okay, so you're was that movie hustle and flow

your hustle and flowing your wife sounds great Jess is like can you guys see how affected I am by this yeah I'm not affected at all I don't give a shit who she talks to I'm not a jealous person

so let's just move on so Jacks is like man I'd be losing my shit if I found out Brittany was texting other men now I think now I think something's up like with there's smoke there's usually fire

or Jack's with the smoke machine you know I just figured there's something if Britney was texting other people would be selfish right now Although I would be impressed that she could move her fingers over the number because she's so fucking drunk right now. And he's wasted. So in the kitchen, they were talking about making doing a cook-off of some sort.

And Jasmine's asking like, but what happened to you guys today? And Danny's like, well, I'm just disappointed in Jesse. That Jesse can't reciprocate a grown-up situation that is confrontational. And there's a train going 75 miles per hour from Buffalo and one going 50 miles. miles from Albany and trying to say as one's a friendship train, one's a certification train. Can you say this better lawyer? Yeah, you're a lawyer. Can you talk?

I like that they keep giving the lawyer qualities just because he's a lawyer. Can you form a basic, simple sentence? You're a lawyer. Why can't Danny just say, it sucks that Jesse can't be an adult or like he can give it but he can't take it? Like, that's all he has to say, he's trying to be like really nice about it.

So Jason's like, yeah, you guys ego got to him and he could admit to it. And he's like, yeah, and there he is now. Jason's like, what's going on, man? What's going on pussy? What's going on pussy face? Thin skin pussy face? And then he like hugs Danny and he's like, yeah, man, I'm sorry, man. Like, he's like, you know, at one point did the banter cross the line? It's like, I don't know, when it got physical, when he started talking, when you started to pretend to be my friend. I don't know. Maybe it started like maybe like six years ago or so. I don't know. And Jesse's like, I understand. I understand that you got uncomfortable. And I thought that would be funny and it wasn't funny. And for that, I apologize.

Michelle, send him a boob. Send him a boob on his text, Michelle. Right. Danny's saying, you know, when people apologize, he's quick to forgive, so it's all good, you know. But it's just a lot of sleep deprivation, taking care of kids. And family's like, yeah, listen, there's a lot of things going on, man.

I haven't talked about it. Sleep deprivation, kids, like, you've talked about it. You have, I'm not saying it's not important and that there are not things going on, but you've talked about it, okay, a lot. Yeah. So now the women are cooking in the kitchen. And Michelle's like, so, Nia, you're one confusing girl.

You were so adamant that you didn't want to live in Santa Clarita. And then I showed you one house. And I thought the point of this was going to say, and then it turns out you loved Santa Clarita. But instead it was just Mia looking around the house, being like, oh, great. Michelle's like, I'm confused because I did it. That way you could say, I can't live here. But you didn't say that. Why didn't you make us stand?

What's wrong with you? Yeah. Are you doing it to make yourself happy or him happy? What is going on with you? First of all, you're driving all the way up to Santa Clarita. Just that way you could have this passive-aggressive moment with Jesse and you want to facilitate that, Michelle. That's on you. I don't know why you're confused.

You're the one who's setting up the situation. So, Nia said, well, you know, I make a Daniel known to Daniel what I need and what I want and then he listens to me. but then with this he's just saying I've heard you but it's not happening and I feel like that's not even cool that he's not considering it yeah so many is like yeah Santa Clarita just feels so isolating and I feel so isolated she'd be on the billboard like welcome to Santa Clarita so isolating yeah so then the guys go outside and Jason's like so what's going on with you and Jesse's like well you know what I got physical with you, Danny, and you didn't want in that moment. And Danny's like, yeah. And I was looking at you today at the beach thinking, you're thin-skinned, and, you know, you're okay. Of course, he can't do it for two seconds.

I just want to apologize that some of us are more manly than you, okay? Really sorry about the lack of testosterone. And I hope you can recover from that one day. So they start laugh. Jack's is laughing. And he's like, don't say it like that. And Danny goes, hey, I don't know what you mean. I'm a freaking alpha.

Okay. Yeah. And Jesse just laughs. He's like, you know, you're an amazing man. A pussy, but a man. And I mean, this guy is the most amazing guy and husband. And we should all applaud this guy because the way he treats women and relationships is the way that no man ever should unless he wanted to call himself a big gaping vagina. Am I right, everyone?

Am I right? Let's all dunk on Danny now. And Jackson is like, yeah, you're amazing. I mean, you still have sex with your wife. I haven't had sex with my wife in years. That's pretty good. It's hard to have sex with an alcoholic, though. Not my bad. Hey, I just want to say, if I come after Danny, it's only ingest because you're such a big fucking target.

So easy. Look at this thin skin, pussy. Right? Am I right, guys? Such a little man, such a huge target. Am I right? What he lacks in height, he lacks really in so many things, actually. There's nothing he compensates for. And Danny's like, if I'm sensitive about this stuff, gosh, it's because I'm not, I'm not thick skin. So he starts crying. He starts crying. And he's like, come on, come on, man, I know. Jesse's like, come on.

You're an amazing man, a better person, and a fantastic gaping Georgia O'Keefe painting as well. And Danny's like, it's just a lot of work. You know, I'm up every two hours changing doppers, putting kids on boobs. Wow, do it all. I'm like, well, whose boobs are those? Because, you know, whoever's exactly right. That's exactly right. You're complaining that you're placing the kids on the boobs?

Can we not? Can we talk about the person whose boobs is being suckled on? Yeah. So, and then, you know, I don't know if Jesse, Jesse always does that thing. He's a Jacks. And it's, of course, fitting that he's friends with Jacks, because he does that thing every episode. He's like, look how changed I am. I did Iowa once.

Now look at me. And he's done it today where he comes down and apologizes. And then immediately he's like, yeah, women. She doesn't respect. that does she all the work that you do and danny's like well she does but i feel like oh they never respect it do they they never give their appreciation wow jesse shocker shocker that your fucking marriage is on its way out i know right so uh today it's like well don't say that don't say that jason's got a kid's got a kid's got a kid's got a other kid i just don't know if i'm

ready for that right i mean barfie mcbarferson what am i to have a kid who just barps all day too I mean, if the kid's not 21 yet, how is it going to even drink milk from Brittany? Right? I hope they don't card you. You're going to starve to death. You know what I mean? So then, Dan, so then Jesse starts like, fake crying. It's like, I want to have another kid now.

She doesn't want to have kids. It sucks. Wow, wow, wow, wow. She probably wants to have kids, but not with you. You are a child. Yeah. She probably does not want to have sex with a psychopath. So, he's like, he's like,

Taney's like, well, what, why do you say that? Why do you feel all the way? It's like, I'm trying so hard. I think we're done, me and Michelle, we're done. And look at me trying hard in this relationship by crying to the man. Yeah. He's like, yeah, I just don't want my... This is his plea to everybody in all the Valley bars that he's going to be haunting,

trying to pick up 22-year-old tail for the next two years because he's on TV, which we all know that's what's going to happen, right? We're all ready for this. So he's like, guys, I don't want my heart. marriage to be over imagine me 40 year old man single with a kid raising a daughter it's a lot to take him and then he'd like look straight into the camera with teary eyes and like nods shut the fuck up i hope nobody's mind this yeah it's time for a commercial it's time for a crappin's commercial so um he's like all i care about it's my daughter i mean imagine not having her parents together i'm like

oh, imagine not having these two soulless empty vessels of humans together fighting with each other and from this daughter. How terrible that would be. Yeah. So then he's trying to explain, like, I'm moving this way and she's moving this way. And then we see all the clips of him trying. And Michelle just being like, you're going to a retreat. Hopefully you can change your personality.

So then Janet comes out. And Janet's like, hi. And Jesse goes, nope, out, out, which is so beyond rude that he would just, like, he's not like, hey, can you just give a minute? We're having a moment. He just said, out. Like, he talks to her like, she's literally a dog that has walked into the kitchen at the wrong time. Yeah, and now we've got two of them crying. It's him and Danny, both crying.

And she's like, excuse me. And she's like, well, I'm not going to spend the night cooking for everybody and then being told to shut up. So, and he's like, and Jesse's like, I apologize. And she's like, no, I'm done. I spent the night cooking And I am exhausted I am done So Jason chases after her of course

And he's like Janet talk to me Janet Janet Talk to me Janet Janet Charlie She's like I am not cooking For 10 people I'm exhausted I'm starving I'm pregnant

Brittany has passed out No one can else can cook Except for Jasmine and I And I am exhausted Well that's your friend That's your fault for being friends With a bunch of idiots This is why you always invite

Your servant gait to come along because he'll do anything for you. Yeah, I'll bet you could have made some burgers, Zach. Yeah, I bet Zach could have been making some burgers. Meanwhile, you're off in the world insinuating that Zach wants to murder your unborn baby. Did you hear about this step? She went on. No.

You're like, what? She went on Gibson John's podcast. Hi, hi over there. Good podcast. She went over on him. He did an interview. And she was like, yeah, well, you know, I just wanted people there who supported me bringing my baby to to charm. She said something along those lines, like insinuating that Kristen and

Zach want her baby to die or something. Oh, I'm going to read you this. I know Ben loves when I read some screenshots. Let's hear what happened. You got it all cute up ready to go. Yep, I'm ready. So Kristen says, wow, I had a fucking pregnancy loss. I would never in a million years say something like that. Wait for me to post the text where I asked her about her pregnancy, including when she texted me the baby's first heartbeat and oh yeah, I was at her gender reveal. This is revolting. Oh, here's the quote from the podcast from Janet. It says, I surrounded myself with people that wanted to see my pregnancy and see it go to full term and see me become a mom and have a healthy child.

And now I'm pretty certain that that is not what Kristen and Zach wanted. Wow. That's a wild accusation. I'm sorry. Bizarre. And so then Janet writes back to Kristen and says, it absolutely is revolting that your BFF, Zach, said out loud that he was hoping I would miscarry and commit suicide this summer. All of our friends and castmates were aware of what he said and reached out expressing how disgusted they were by Zach's death wish upon my unborn child except for you.

Glad to hear now that you find his comments as revolting as everyone else. Why is it getting this? You're at the valley. You're not supposed to get this dark. That is wild. I mean, that's totally inappropriate for Zach to say, if he said it, like that's really repulsive. What happened? And did he say that. Do you think he said it? What's your goals? Like, could I imagine Zach saying, I hope she miscarries and dies? Unfortunately, yes, I can't imagine I'm saying that. I don't know well enough from this show.

I don't want to go to Bat for Zach, and then it turns out that Zach said that and they have all these texts, you know what I mean? So I'm not going to go there. Who knows? But from this, we see Janet overreacting like crazy through this whole episode and then turning him into like Glenn Close from fatal attraction. So I'm not really sure, but Yikes, it got dark over in the valley.

Yeah, as it usually does in the valley. No, it's always light. It's so much sun. It's true. You're just blinded by all the sun. It goes dark eventually. It goes dark when you faint from it being 120 degrees outside. Okay, this one it gets dark.

But yeah, reserving my opinion is on what actually happened. It's staying over here for now. Just like gross. Be less gross. I just like to, all I can say is I'm just commenting on what Bravo gives us. because if I go too far into anything that's off of what Bravo gives us, then it's like, well, about this person, they said this, but then if you look back, then they said this, and then if you go back to him further,

they said this, yeah, that's fair. And I'm like, I can't, I have to draw a line. I can only take in so much input. That's fair, you know? But I got to bring it up, because that's a lot, that's a big thing right now on the old internet. Okay. So, and it's relevant to this episode, as we'll see later in it. So Jason's like, oh, we're sorry, Janet, I'm sorry, I'm exhausted.

He's like, well, we were just talking about serious stuff and people outside are crying. And she's like, well, I want to cry because I'm exhausted and I'm doing all these shit and I'm exhausted. And he's like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. She's like, yeah, but wife he's pregnant. And instead of thinking about their feelings, think about my feelings. And he's like, okay. And then they cry and hug.

And he's like, I didn't prioritize my wife and her baby moon. And I object to me because I'm a lawyer. But also that objection is overruled because I'm also a lawyer. Thank you. I'm a lawyer. So we go back to the kitchen and Michelle has decided that she's not going to eat. And she's like, so we're not all sitting down together.

And Danny's like, does it look like it? And she goes, Danny, I'm not your wife. You can't talk to me like that. Ha, ha, ha. I'm not your wife. Which they made it seem like it was actually a very tense moment in the previous, but it was actually kind of like a jokey moment. And then Jack's like, well, whoever cooked this,

you girls did an amazing job. It's so good that you finally realize your role is in the kitchen. And, like, you know, just ask my wife, because she's wasted right now. It's like she's not wasted. She was just carsick. Danny says, be kind, man. Rewind. I know we don't have beta max anymore, but it rhymes.

You want to talk about a beta max? That's Danny over here. Just take out the max part. Want to talk about drunk max? Brittany. Wasted. So, Janet, so then meanwhile, Jesse starts, like, eating, like, Like, I guess it's a queso, like right over the bowl and just like chomping.

And I was like, oh, thanks for eating over the bowl. Everyone else's cheese, you weirdo. He's like, what? What do you talk about, woman? He's like, nobody wants whatever came out of your mouth in the bowl. He's like, oh, my God. I love how he acts like. He's like, doesn't understand the idea that, like, his germs might just all just tumble into that bowl,

the communal bowl that everyone's eating out of. But he can't eat it anyway because it's so hot. So he's like dancing around because it's hot. And Michelle's like, yeah, I was like, how are you eating something? spicy because he can't eat spicy things. And Janet's like, oh, really? He's a little bitch then. So then Nia's asking if Britney feels okay.

And Jackson, well, why don't you go ask her? I'm not walking to that. Let her write it out. That's how I do it. And Danny's like, that's how you guys work it out? It's like, you know, how was she in the boat? Okay, just tell me. How much was you drinking on the boat?

Tell me. And they're like, no, no, no. I'm going to ask you one more time. I'm going to ask you one more time. You better tell me the truth. The fuck are you agro? Get the fuck down. Yeah.

And they're like zero. So Brittany comes out. And she's like, Jay, yeah, yeah, y'ax. Everyone, okay, I can hear you, Jax. Everyone has my back. And you're fucking my, you're my fucking husband. You're trying to make me look like I'm a bad person.

You think I want to be in here or not feeling good? What would? Okay, fuck you. Fuck you. I'm your wife and I'm trying to make you. You're trying to make me look bad different of all these people. Fuck. He's like, no, I'm not.

No, how many of you do you see right now? How many of me are there? Sany-friendly right now. Dix, you stop. Everyone knows I was not drunk. I had two drinks today. Well, she goes, yeah, she goes, first she says, I didn't drink anything today, Jax.

I was not drunk. I had two drinks. I was like, now, Brittany, I want to support you in this. And I do support you because Jack's being an asshole. But like, you saying, I didn't drink today. I had two drinks. It's like, that's, you know, that's drinking.

That's the legal limit. Actually. Two drinks. But still, fuck that guy. You know. Yeah. But the woman drinking throw up. You know, let her live her life.

She's married to you. I don't think you're going to ever find someone who's not drinking themselves into a stupor and throwing up. Okay, so let me get used to it. So she's like, fuck you, takes. She slams the door, and then we hear the horror. And now the girls go to comfort her. I can hear, I mean, do you think I want to be in here throwing up all night? Do you think I want that?

No. And it tastes like warm because one of my drinks had a worm in it. No, weird. He's like, I'm not going to be in the bedroom every time we go out and you're sick. What do you want me to do? It's like, I'm in the toilet throwing up. And I'm yelling at me. Well, I'm throwing up.

And Michelle's like, you guys need to have a conversation when you're not, you know, when you're not, when you're feeling great, you know? Like, that's when you need to have your conversation. And so Brittany's like, well, he always puts me die. I mean, how many shots did I have to die? Yeah, he's, she's just in the crying and the girls are crump. I mean, it's just like it was eight years ago. Brittany's in a room crying in the dark with girls telling her it's going to be okay

and Jackson's in the other room yelling at the guys how it's not his fault. It's like nothing has ever changed. And he's like I mean, what am I supposed to do? I mean she's always in the bathroom, always. I mean always in the bathroom because you're hungover and maybe try not drinking at all. Maybe not shot in for nothing.

He's like, it happens every time. And so everybody's just staring at them because it gets so dark with them, you know? And everyone's like, okay, just trying to Trying to eat some kato was spit all over it. So now the girls are in the bedroom, and Janet's like, wow, you know what? Something's got to change here. Michelle's like, it can be stress.

When I stress out, I get sick. I mean, look at Jesse's hair. Have you ever seen a hair dunt every single day of your life? Talk about stress. You just want to get in there with a comb and fluff it up, and he won't let me touch it. I am fully stressed about it every single day. And Jasmine's like, let's call it for. what it is. Okay. I'm sick.

Sick of you. Okay? That's what's going on. And which, you know, got a point. Jasmine's a very good voice of reason I have to say. She's killing it. It's a voice of reason. She's like, why am I here? Yeah. Like, every time they show Jasmine, she's just like

check please. So Jacks is still going off. Like, if you can't handle your alcohol and you stop drinking, what do you want call it? You're a mom. You are a mother. Because Jacks is of course wasted. And Jesse's like, you don't need to call her about out in front of everyone, though, bro. He's like, yeah, it's not the first time.

It's been going on for years. It's not a bug either. She just needs to drink and she needs to throw up. I'm sick of that. So, Brinney's like, I'm just going to get something right, yeah, yeah, yes. And it's like, I think that Jax is sucking away my sparkle. I'm going to have a bunch of the skin, I, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, anybody see my sparkle?

Anybody see my sparkle? Missing my sparkle. Listen, I'm just trying to start, I'm just throwing really. all these things and this and the head. Like, I've been putting up with all not for the past nine years of my la, la, la, la, la. So in the kitchen, um, Janet is like, Jacks, can I say something to you? He's like, if you say something to you.

He's like, if you say I'm wrong, I swear to God. And she's like, I'm just saying, you both can be wrong. You both can be right. But I highly suggest therapy, okay? You're not communicating while you need a third party to communicate with you. I cannot believe. It wasn't like, we were just. said a third party that sex therapist or whatever yeah i think partying is not what they need the most

and she he jack's like i've gone through therapy a few times and it's like it's never worked for me mainly because i just don't listen but our relationship is like shit right now so i've got to do something i got an idea while we drink some more i'll go the a mbm i'll be right back yeah jacks has not gone through therapy he's gone to it and left it he's never gone through bravo sanction therapy for like one episode per season for the last four years of Band of Band of Rump Rules. So then Brittany's like,

Where is my sparkle? I believe in true love. What if love isn't enough? What if it isn't enough? I'm just a girl. A girl who had nothing but two drinks. Standing in a bookstore. Why am I standing in a bookstore?

Girls with Sparkle ain't in bookstores? Where's my sparkle? I must have been wasted rat name. So... I gotta throw up. You're drunk. It's like that's not the Hugh Grant movie, dude. So Jason and Janet are hanging out

because people are going to bed and stuff. And Jason's like, so was she drinking? And she's like, no, we didn't even open up the cooler on that pontoon. This has been going on for like two years. He's been screaming at her about drinking in front of people. It's like, guys, either fix something or it's going to end the marriage. Yeah, and then it goes to Jackson. He's just sitting there like,

I still hear it's growing up. He's very triggered. And so Jocelyn's like, this is the baby moon from hell. So Jack says, like, if she has a cocktail the morning, in the morning, I'm losing it. So now it's the morning. And now Jackson, Brittany, waking up in their normal cycle where he's like, hey, how are you?

What's up, honey? How I'm better than last night, y'all. But we got a talk. And he goes, oh, I hate that. What do you want to talk about? What do you want to talk about? Do you remember any of your conversation from last night? Do you remember how you were yelling at her on camera, shaming her for throwing up?

Those checks. And he's like, first of all, let me get this out. Okay, I'm sorry. Sorry that I, you know, yelled at you. I just thought you drank too much. That's all. That's all. But you drank way, yeah, more than I did.

And you made it look like everyone else like, I had a drinking problem or something. And then you come into the room and you're peeking in and yelling at me while I'm already miserable. It was so embarrassing. and if you were sitting up, sitting there throwing up, I'll be there to help you. What I was up, but I didn't throw up, okay? I can drink a lot. I can so hold myself.

I can so hold myself. Yeah, but you know I have a sensitive stomach, okay, even before I met you, I had one. Yes, let's just cut down with the drinking now. Let's just cut down on that. Let's just cut down on that. Okay, I get that I'm not being kind to my body or even to, like, anything,

because I'm married to Jax, but one shot does not mean I have a drinking problem, and that's what he's making me feel like, and he's making me so strong. and unhappy that my body's turned against me. Okay, so then she's like, you better to communicate with me better, Jacks. Okay, you better make me feel pretty.

You're going to make me feel drunk. Make me feel pretty and drunk. I have a little romance in our lives. What about that, Jack? He's like, sorry, it won't happen again this morning. But this afternoon, I forgot open, it's open range. So, Brittany's like, okay, well, that just sounds like the worst apology ever.

And then Michelle and Jess, you're really, like in another room. They're like, oh my God, listen to them bigger. I said, Michelle and Jesse have not been a total disaster this entire season. Yeah. So Jackson's just like, okay, everything's great. So he just kisses her and leaves. She's like, I'm just too for me, man. So in the kitchen, Brittany, they come into the kitchen. Britain, it's that morning, I'm alive, everybody. It's great. So, of course, Jesse is from Copley. He's been to Copley.

I don't know if you've heard, but he's like, guys, do we have any Cremfresh? Because I can scramble some eggs if there's cream fresh. Without it, it's garbage. It's utter poor people garbage. Yeah, I love this guy who can only scramble with Crumb Fresh. And everybody's like, hi, everyone, I'm sorry. I wasn't feeling good yesterday, but Jackson apologized. He didn't mean nothing by, you know, he's a good guy after all.

He's like, yeah, everyone, everything's fine, everything's okay. Jesse's like, oh, yeah, they're pros. That apology, everything's great. I've done that. There's nothing settled. Wounds are just being opened up. It's only been mad of time before Jackson's day crying about wanting to have a baby. So I think it's a long road ahead.

So then Michelle's hugging Janet and then we find out she's hugging her and Janet's like, I am exhausted. Guys, Janet's exhausted, okay? She's like literally exhausted. And Michelle's like, I wish you hadn't seen that before you went to bed. And then we find out, Zach posted a story. And Jason's like, yeah, that was a real dick move. And Brittany's like, oh, don't overthink it.

Even if he popped up, he ain't going to show up here, Kai. And she's hot. And I'm like, what are they talking about? I rewind it three times, like, pop up. What if he does a pop-up? I couldn't understand what they were saying, and all I had to do was keep it playing. Yeah, so basically, Zach posted a story.

It was like a black screen, and he put up a geotag that said Big Bear. Just to make it seem like he had checked into Big Bear, and that freaked out Janet, and she's like, oh, my God, like Harris went up on the back of my neck. I'm trying to say that's I have a hairy neck. And I'm like, I'm like, is he here? Is Kristen with him?

Are they going to shave my neck? I'm like, is he here to wreak havoc on my baby moon? I'm like, reeking havoc on your baby moon? Have you seen your baby moon already? You already have Jackson, Jesse, on this trip. The havoc has been reek. It's been rucked. Okay.

The reek has been rocked. Zach is not going to make it any worse. Yeah, so then they turn this into like this scary, scary turtle shell head is coming to get. Cooper-Trupa head is coming to get james. I am terrified. How could they do this to me when they're pregnant and they know it's terrifying to me? so scared.

That's so stupid and so gross. Give me a fucking break with this. Yeah. They're acting like he is a full on stalker and Jasmine's like, yeah, like it's not that deep, you know? Like, because Janet's like,

what do you think his intention was? She's like, trolling. So then we go to Kristen's apartment where... Janice, like, it doesn't feel like a friendly, oh, hey, I'm going to Big Bear. It feels like, I'm in Big Bear. And I would say, oh, this is all funny games because they're putting graphics up of like, you know, horror music and like stabbing or whatever, but then to read Janet's,

they're trying to kill my baby post. That is really what she's going for. Crazy. Okay, so she's like, I could just, it fucked with my mind. I couldn't sleep all night. I was terrified. Terrified of Zach. Literally the only person to ever say that. Really? I mean, unless Zach was like the host at a restaurant, then I think we would have heard that more from people like, oh my God, it's him again. God, Zach's coming over here.

Hi, are you enjoying everything tonight? I was going to say the barber shop. They're like, oh, God, I'm about to run another pair of scissors trying to penetrate this thing. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So, we go to Kristen's apartment, and she's, like, set up little, like, sad pedicure, like, foot baths and everything. And Zach shows up, and she's noticing nobody does the pedicure. She sets up pedigree stuff, but they don't get a fettiperson.

They just put their feet in like, I was wondering how that was going to work. I was like, are they just going to cut their own nails afterwards? Like, welcome to your spa day. That's actually not at a spa. Jill actually peed in that, but. I know. This is actually Jill barf in this after eating a rose petal. Yeah, why don't they actually just go to a spa?

That was the funny part. That's like the difference between this on like a real housewife show because on the real housewives they go to a spa. But on this show, they just have to like go to Target and get some footbacks. Yeah. line them up and then just sit on her like mangy couch. Yeah, so Zach's like, okay, well, guess what we're doing? Just a spa day, but it's actually, it's like, it's like shit-talking day, okay? Because like, it's supposed to be a spa day where it's putting our feet in, getting a pedicure,

but we're not really doing that. Do you know what we're going to do a stand? We're going to talk gossip about people who aren't here. We're going to talk about she who can't be named, okay? So we're going to do, because it's not petty day. it's a petty day actually that would have been better it's a petty cure day

so that was he I was just sitting there for him so Zach's like so have you well like have you been since like James May James May and he's like seriously like good like thanks for helping with that I was like yeah also

Janet decided sell Jocks like to like come tell us like we weren't invited instead of like you know calling us like we have been like so good like working on our friendship and like I thought like we were in like a great place and then like for her to come up with all these excuses.

Like, did you happen to even see my Instagram story? And then we see, like, the story again. And Kristen's like, sure did. Seriously, like, great use of a geotag. You're like, yeah, I may have been shady because I put up a geotag on a black screen. It was, like, so shady. I'm shady.

Isn't I? No, that's like, you better watch out. I'm shady. So Kristen's like, the level of petty is like the perfect level of petty for me. They still didn't come up with petty care. I'm like, come on. It's right there.

It's right there. literally pretty guys. So then Jesse, back at the house, they're eating breakfast, and they're talking about, Janet Gusso has everybody's breakfast, and Jesse's like, well, we're almost done with it. And Zach's head hasn't popped up above one of those bushes yet,

so I guess it's a good day. Would you really be able to tell, though, if his head popped up above a bush, that it wasn't just more of the bush? Just wondering. Just like, so Janet is like, she's like, you know,

I'm just, I'm worried that if you come, that, you know, that this will be a bridge to Kristen and she'll come and that will stress me out. And to hear that, that would stress me out and then to do it and then to post pretending that he's doing it. That's just like mean. It is so mean. Okay, Janet, you need to settle down. A story that just has a geotag on it is really not that mean. It's just shady and sad. Why don't you just bring a gun to hold to my baby's head? Just bring the gun to hold my baby's head. Like, okay, Janney. So, then they're like, oh, my God, if Kristen was here,

and Jenna's like, I would definitely call 911 if Kristen was. I would call the manager of Kristen and file a complaint. So then back to Zach and Kristen, Zach is like, I mean, my thing is like, you know what? Like, if you, my thing is if I'm joining you and you want to take that seriously or whatever, but like, you know what, a true friend would know that like, I'm just kidding. And they'd be like, seriously, that guy's a motherfucker, and I'm going to kick him in the balls the next time I see him. Yeah, but she's not your real friend.

So you should know her well. I mean, they know her. So he should know her well enough to know that she's going to take this and make him look like, you know, a terrorist. Yeah. And he's like, I've always said, I'm petty with a purpose. And my purpose is to cure myself with this situation. I am giving myself a petty cure. Okay.

It's like, you're so close, Zach. You're so close to the pun. Do it. Do it, Zach. And Chris was like, we could have been petter here. We could have gone to a pine tree. Could have had a pine tree emoji to that, really, to drive it home. So Jesse's like, so everyone, big news, Michelle gave me a hug from behind.

Yeah, that has happened in seven years. She's not a behind hugger, you know. So if you hear the headboard knock and don't come a knock. Yeah, she was basically cosplaying as a boss in below deck. It's nuts. coming up and hugging me from behind. And Janet's like, yeah, well, it'll only be knocking for our 22 seconds. Did you guys hear that noise?

I think it was Zach. Oh, never mind. It was just. Damas jumping under the table. Like, I thought it was Zach. So then they're like, so what are we doing today? And Brittany's like, I'm going to go hiking today with people. Go hiking.

It's going to be so fast where you get out, you take your car, and you. Someone else take over. I don't really know what hockey. He actually means, I just know that Jack's always telling me to go on one. One, no, go. So, Michelle is like, well, I organized paddle yoga with Janet, and that's where you watch yoga, you watch paddles doing yoga. And he's like, oh, you're all going to be so cute with your belly button doing it now,

you know, because you're pregnant and stuff. All you're going to feel that kicking. So Jasmine's just gives a look like, yeah. Jasmine's like, she's like, yeah, well, we plan this baby shower today, so we have to hurry and get her out before. Zach shows up. Just kidding. So... Go inside. Britney's like,

You all think she believed it. And the show goes, no. Nobody thinks you're going to hike. Britney. She said, but I put on my hocking boots. It's like, you put it on your head. You're balancing two boots on your head and they just fell off. Oh, what's that how you had?

Hey, is there a bar here called hiking? Okay, so later, Jason is like, guys, Janet is terrified and can't leave the home. So she's in the bed and the fetal she has created her own panic room out of several pillows. So if Dwight Yolkham

comes by or Zach, just like, please just give her a heads up. So Jason's like, so they're like, okay, we're going to set this up. And so now the guys leave because they're going to go fish. So they get in the back door and Jacks is like, I love the back door. So Danny's like, oh,

just the first knuckle though. You wrote these notes Ron. And you. That really happened. That really happens? Yeah, because that's their joke when they're talking about getting it up the time. Tanya's like, this is the first level. I was like, I just fell into one of Ronnie's jokes.

No, that's, they said it. So then, Jasmine braids Brittany's hair, and she's, they're talking about the restaurant, Jacks's, and Britney's like, hey, it's just so stressful, it's our feature, and, you know, it's like,

it's just a horror, because every time I go in there, it's just worse. I mean, there's tables in the middle of the restaurant, We're owners now. We got our reputations invested. You know, our reputations are huge. That's worth so much money.

Listen, if you invest zero, you're going to get zero back, no matter how many times you multiply it. I know your reputation is zero. So, congratulations. Yeah, for sure. So, Jasmine's like, well, Danny is so nice. And Jesse comes off as being better, you know, being bitter. And Britney's like, yeah, those teams don't mesh very well, you know what I'm saying?

But they just have to apologize. They'll be all good. So Jesse is in the car or wherever. Jesse's like, he's like, you know, I prefer women who are like a Renaissance painting. You know, I don't like skinny girls with abs. Yeah, I can't wait to see the next big girl that Jesse dates. Shut the fuck up, Jesse. Nobody believes you.

Just be quiet. Can you just have a non-sexist moment, please? And Dan is like, oh, so you think your wife is thick? He's like, no, she was way smaller when I met her. So then when I met her. So Danny's like, well, I'm always messing with a girl that's five. three or four or five four you know like is that my Napoleon complex maybe and Jason's like oh I don't think that's what Napoleon complex means they're gaddish it's when you're short

and you want to make love to other short people especially if it's your mom want to fuck your mom because she's short too it's like two short people fucking in the same family you know that's what Napoleon is right what is what complex is that so uh edible edible edible conference Jackson's like, oh, I got a real edible complex, too. Man, I just love getting stoned. It's like, uh, edipal, not edible. Who wants to eat their mom? So, it's so weird.

What way did you mean that, Jacks? First knuckle only, my right. So Jason's like, yeah, I think it means like when you're short and then you overcompensate by being an asshole about, nah, it means you want to fuck your mom while you're eating a pizza. that doesn't have real cheese, just circular blobs of it. So, Jason's like, no, no, it just means you're short and you're being an asshole, you know? It's like, I don't think so. Just like, what if it means part of your hair is shorter than other parts of your hair?

And you've got a complex about that. Is that what a Napoleon complex is? So then Jason reads the definition to us in the diary room. And then it cuts to Danny also reading the definition, which both definitions prove that Danny isn't correct. But then he reads it and he's like, and it means a sure person overcompensates by being a dick to people. He just like nods and winks at the camera like, told you.

He's got a real alpha complex. It's kind of hilarious how this is emerging late in the season. I told you there's something, there's darkness in those eyes. So, Jesse, he's like, well, I feel like you're completely full of shit. Your wife wears the pants and that's not someone making you feel confident. Pussy. And Jack's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

If he's happy, though, I mean, my wife. wife wears the pants and everyone's like, no, she doesn't. Jesse's like, yeah, you're difficult. If she says the sky's red, you're like, you're an idiot. Jackson's like, I wouldn't call her an idiot, just an alcoholic. An idiot alcoholic, the worst kind. It's an idiot bad mother alcoholic. Justis like, I'm not talking about what you say. It's how you react. You're always fighting. And I think you've been fighting to prove yourself for a long time,

and you don't need to prove yourself to your wife. She's a woman, man. Why would you even try to prove yourself to that? in Texas. Like, yeah. You know, it's because we've got so many businesses. You know, this one, that one, AM, PM, day, night. It's a lot going on, man.

Man, have you ever tried to drive down Laurel Park, Laurel Canyon Boulevard? There's so many businesses on that, man. It's like, they're ours almost, but they're not. But, like, they feel like ours. That's like so much going on our life, man. And then he's like, yeah, but you know,

I'm aggressive, but I know who I am. So that's okay, so I'm aggressive, but I know it. It's like, no, that's not the most important thing. The most important thing is not. not knowing that you're crying. It's not being that way. You fuck with.

So, um, Jack's is like, yeah, you know, like, uh, I think,

sorry, you know, you know, am I causing this? Am I causing her to drink? God. I mean, if that's the case,

we got a whole other issue to deal with. And Danny's like, well, you should get a third party. Third party under two. And Jesse is like, uh, he's like,

well, I think you're all asked the wrong person because I'm literally in the middle. And all of them are like, no. No, no, no one's asking you. They're all like, no one's going to ask you, buddy, okay? Yeah, and Jack's like, I love you to death, but Jesus, your marriage is on the fence, too. And they're like, Jason goes, you just said, too, like yours is also on the fence.

And Jack said, no, no, no, I shouldn't have said that. I don't even know what the fence is. Like, what's a fence? Like, I'm always like, when I watch Home Improvement, I'm like, look at it Wilson. He's poking his head over that strange wooden thing. I wish I had a name. I don't even know what a fence is. I am the fence.

Down here goes here. Your marriage is on top of me. So, Jesse's like, yeah, I feel bad because he's where I was a year ago,

you know? I hope you're looking forward to another year of meatloaf jokes. Meathead jokes. Or meathead jokes. Meathead jokes.

All the jokes of how to start with meat. Danny's like, bro, this isn't a quality of life, Jack. You've got to change things, brother.

And that's how we and The Valley Wow, I really never thought This was gonna end up being The plot with Janet is The Valley I wonder how many episodes did they have? I don't know, but it's definitely like Getting that part where I like, when they,

just before the preview for next week starts, I braced for them to say, next week on the season finale and then every time they don't say it, I'm like, oh, thank God. Yeah. Because I just need several more episodes of this. It's so good. I am still shocked that there's no reunion for it.

Me too. Like there's so much that needs to be hashed out I mean, I'm sure they'll do a chaotic, like, clubhouse reunion, you know, but like this one, this show deserves a big proper reunion with questions and, you know, consequences. Bad answers. Bad answers. Reilly. People run around, not telling the truth about things.

Yeah. It's so good. I can't believe it. Well, I'll tell you what life is. It's beautiful. I'll tell you what life is not. It ain't fair. Okay.

We're not getting a reunion. Okay. But, um, hey, Ben, could you? hand me that milk. Hey, okay, here's some milk. Okay, here's some milk. Look on the back of this milk. Missing Sparkle! I'm my Sparkle

Jets. Hey, hey, does this Blockbuster carry a copy of the feature film Sparkle? Of course it doesn't because it's missing. Bye, everybody. Thanks for being here. Bye. Watch what Crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like

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