Watch What Crappens - #2442 The Valley S01E11: O Danny Oy

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

Danny and Nia show cracks on The Valley (S01E11), but it’s nothing compared to the twin craterings of Michelle and Jesse and Jax and Brit.  Misery loves company, or in this case, a baby moon weekend.Watch this recap as a video and get our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Watch What Crappins! Guess what happens when this Oh, Watch What Crappins! Well hello and welcome to Watch What Crappins! A podcast for all that crap we love to talk about on Yale Brobs! I'm Rondel. Rondel Carollam. That is Benjamin Mandelker. Hi, how are you?

Hi, everybody. We're in Birmingham today in gorgeous England. I look like Old Man River. You don't? It is. The sun is hitting. Also, I got like a skinhead haircut. I mean, I'm always shaved, but I'm really shaved. Sometimes when like, okay, so like my hair is thinning and I've accepted that, that's okay. But sometimes the light comes in really bright. It really performs some erasure on what hair I do have left and I don't appreciate that. But yeah, we're here in in beautiful Birmingham. We just arrived. This is such a, it's really lovely. It's a very modern city, more modern than I was expecting. Next week

we're on vacation. So if you're looking for the season finale of our Valley recap, it's not gonna come up next week, but it'll be up the week after that. We will not be skipping the season finale. We have loved recapping this show and it will be back the Monday after or Tuesday after. We don't know, Wednesday after. We don't really know. Depends on how ship-based we get.

We're not making any promises. We're just saying we're going to recap the season finale or at least talk about it the following week. Okay, so here we are with the Valley everybody. By the way, what a great show we had last night in Birmingham, right? Yeah. Thanks for coming everybody.

Thanks for coming. Okay, so here we are. We're still in Big Bay, big bake. We're still in Big Bear. And they're throwing a baby shower for the most ridiculous woman on television at the moment, Janet, who is accusing Zach of wanting her and her baby dead. And that's gotten super dark. I thought maybe he just made a little comment.

Then she said, no, he literally, she said something like he literally said, I wish her and her baby dead. But then in the coming next week previews, he's saying like, Janet is dead to me. He's like, Janet is dead to me. And I bet you anything she took the Janet is dead to me and made that Janet, he wishes me and my baby are dead. Because this one is ridiculous.

This is one thing on Reddit you were reading about, right? I was reading it today on the aeroplane. Okay, cause we can do that now because there's something called internet and Jesus, I was on the Jesus internet. I think I'm dying soon because I'm talking about Jesus a lot. Okay, so any and also dying a lot. So if it's any translation, Shannon, Shannon's an asshole. Let me tell you who's missing besides Jesus. He's been gone a long time guys, been thousands

of years. You know who else Zack and Kristen, I don't really like this show as much without Zach and Kristen. Janet, you fucking show-ruiner. They need to throw Janet off the big bear. Keep her baby though, we'd love your baby. No one wishes your baby harm, just you mentally. Well, they're setting up this baby shower

and Michelle's like, I still can't believe how this cake was almost $300. And they're all setting up and everything and Jasmine's downstairs napping. I'm not Jasmine, Janice downstairs napping and everything. And Michelle's talking about how she threw her own baby shower, which makes sense. I feel like no one wanted to throw a baby shower for Michelle.

They're like, this will just be really depressing and we really don't support a baby with Jessie Lolley. So maybe if we just don't throw a baby shower, they never got married in the first place. No one supported Xerox copying Jesse Loller. Um, or maybe people just had a sense that that was really meatheads baby. And they were like, you know, we need more meathead in our life. But what makes me sad about that Michelle thing is that we've seen pictures of

Michelle when she was pregnant and they were happy, like she was with Jesse and they were happy and Jesse had long hair which I think is when he started his headband addiction and we see pictures and she bought them shirts in that gather font that said like I'm the mom and then his said like I'm the dad yeah and it's just sad you know I think when you're buying all of your own stuff that says stuff that is actually extraordinarily sad you shouldn't be buying your own like I'm with Stupid shirt. You know what I mean? It's only fun if you're buying it with someone else. By the way, I just want to point out

just a little BTS info about our recording session right now. That's a Korean band. It's a Korean band but it also stands for behind the scenes. We are facing Ronnie's window which in turn through the window we can see into an office building. And there is a British man at his computer and he's typing away. And I just like to, do you see the silhouette right up there? Oh, I just pointed, I shouldn't point.

Oh yeah. Someone just, someone, oh, someone just- Show us your wiener office person. And I just have a matching, I'm gonna have a hard time focusing on this recap because the entire time I'm imagining this scene unfolding up there. Hello, did you get the forms? They need to be in by the end of today.

It's absolutely imperative that you get the forms in. Nigel, do we have the forms? We don't have the forms yet. They have not arrived yet. I'm sorry, we were supposed to get the forms from Eloise, but unfortunately Eloise is away. She's taken some mummy time to throw her own shower. It's quite sad, isn't it? I just got a call from Gemma in the mail room. Turns out Millie is sick, so the forms won't be in until later. Yeah, I don't like that they're all facing away from the window. What's the point of

having a view if you're not going to look at the people in the hotel across the stream? I want to see the people. They're silhouetted like the banker on Deal or No Deal. It's hilarious. Yeah. They're silhouetted like the banker on Deal or No Deal. It's hilarious. Yeah. They're doing official business. Yeah. So anyway. I like their kind of mid-century modern.

I was just watching a video on YouTube on the plane about mid-century modern design, because, you know, I'm like cultured. And it was this gay guy. Okay. So what is, first of all, those tiny microphones that people have? I hate those. He's like, hi, I wanna tell you that mid-century modern people just don't understand the difference

between buying something from Wayfair and having actual mid-century modern. Only I understand the most tasteful gay in the world with the tiniest, gayest microphone in the world. I was like, get over yourself, Queen. Just show me the Frank Lloyd Wright house, you know what I mean? Please.

I hate the tiny microphones that are basically just lavalier mics, but they just make it a little bit bigger. Just be a lavalier mic. Yeah. And those are crappy mics anyway. Yeah. Stop acting like you're doing something professional. We got a newbie. We got a newbie sitting at the Wayfair mid-century modern table. Who sat down? Who is sat there? Who is sat there? He's a handsome person. He's very, I think that's the gay. there he's a handsome he's very i think that's the gay isn't it he's very he's very animated on the phone nathan doing this already he's always sat down he's like the forms the papers jemma milley throwing your own baby showers he's like

i was just crunching some numbers it's not feasible for us to get down this path and i tried to tell jama a thousand times but she's so busy getting forms for Nigel upstairs. She's not even listening to me anymore. I suppose since all the girls are gone, I'll be having tea while I work. Which is not what the Queen suffered all those years for, right? Gemma, god damn it. He's just leaving prank calls on Gemma's voicemail. He's like, hello Gemma, this is the form factory. We've received your forms.

J.K. LOL, you dumb hooker. No one's received any forms Gemma. I know what you're doing down there really at this point you know. So Brittany, speaking of Brits, Brittany is like hey everyone don't say baby shower so loud Jen and my hair are through the floor backwards. And he is like oh by the way are you and Jacks like all good Brittany because he was accusing you of being an alcoholic with your stomach and everything?

Jack, well, I'm still pretty annoyed with him, but he apologized to me. He's going to work on his communication. You know, I got to work on things too. Mostly just getting yelled at. I just need to get better at getting yelled at. You know, I need to be more, more forgiving when people call me an alcoholic in public and I'll get so mad. We're happy. He's gotta work on something to you,

but I gotta work on my communication with him. So then a baby sign falls over, which by the way, I mean, visual metaphors. That's a sign. It was a stack of like, it was like a sign that was looking at a stack of cubes. It was cardboard blocks. Yeah, like letter blocks, you know, that babies play with?

And they spelled that baby and then it fell over. And you know, if Janet was there, she would have called the police and blamed Zack somehow. Zack. He's trying to kill my baby with baby blocks. To be fair, I could legitimately imagine Zack showing up like in a baby block costume with like his little arms coming out and just like, they'll never know that I'm here the entire time

And I hope he just I hope he just keeps talking with her I hope she went to the hospital and went into labor and Zach just came out in a bonnet like hi mom It's me your baby His hair is kind of like a baby bonnet it's a baby big kind of like a baby bonnet. It's a baby bonnet. It kind of is. So Brittany, yeah, she's like, hey, apologize. You know, we got work on it. OK, so now the guys are on a pontoon,

and they're talking about peeing, because that's what guys talk about, I feel like. Yeah, so there's actually like a bathroom pontoon. So they drop Jesse off to pee on it. And then they're like, Danny is like, Hey, Captain, drive off. So they- Drop, leave him. That was hilarious.

It'll be so funny. So they leave Jesse, but then Jesse hops on another boat and then he's with that other boat. And then they drop them back off in the pontoon. We get this wide shot. That's like boat, boat, boat, boat, Jesse bathroom, everything. It was fun.

Jesse's like, I wrote the game guys. You can't play the game on the guy who invented the game. The boat leaving people at the and the beat stop game. Stranding people on the on the bathroom pontoon game. It's a popular one, you know. So back to the girls. Michelle and Brittany are still setting up and Brittany's like, Jake said he talks to you a little bit about the room is going right. That's what happened. And she's like, yeah, it's not a big deal. Jesse already knew everything, so it wasn't a surprise to Jesse.

How about arguing Jesse doing bad arsonist mail-a-boo? And she's like, yeah, therapy is doing well for Jesse and he's trying his best, but like he's super extreme in everything that he does. He's all over me all the time now. But ain't he still attractive to you? No. But ain't he kinda cute sometimes? No.

Do you like shortness at all? No. When you see clouds, do you sometimes see his name spelled out? No. Do you ever fantasize of shrinking yourself and lying down on his hair like you're on a big fancy couch? No. Have you ever asked a Castlin, Kentucky if they could make a chicken nugget shaped out of his face for your wedding?

Hey, have you ever tried to shape his hair like the Castlin, Kentucky? No. You know, it's funny because I crave a bit more physical attention from JX and she's like, yeah, it's turning me off. I'm just like chill. he can ask you a question yeah you know where your sparkle is where is it are you attracted to him still she's like not really she's like oh I hate that I hate that for you I hate it so basically Jesse's like me in this relationship. I've lost my sparkle.

I just need to feel pretty sometimes. So Michelle's like, yeah, it's a process for myself to understand what I was very attracted to Jesse when I first met him. And now there's nothing you can do that I find attractive. She does it. It's not, it's not like a typical up speak because typical up speak is like, I don't find him attractive. And then, and then, and then, and then.

She does it like, she'll say like, I feel bad because if something got forbid, she's sort of like, just the last syllable. She's like stopping her bumper car of like vocabulary, right? It's like, so yeah. But if something happens between us, there's nothing he can do that I find attractive. It's not only physical. It's everything. Everything bugs me.

But also the physical. So she's like, I want to feel this way, the way I used to feel for him. And I feel bad because it's something God forbid happens to between us. I feel like it's me that has to make the decision and it's not a mutual decision and I don't want to be the bad person. This is kind of problematic I think to say. I'm going to say it anyway because I'm in Birmingham and we have different laws here. So get in line. I pay a lot of taxes to live here. A lot. So, I'm just kidding. I don't know what their tax structure is here. Here's the thing about lot. So I'm just kidding. I don't know what their tax structure is here. Here's the thing about everywhere really, but I think particularly in LA when everyone's so excited about plastic surgery, and it's just so normalized. When you support your partner and getting plastic surgery, Jax does it the very

controlling way where he literally weighs you down. He's like, you will get size Z boobs and you'll never be able to run. You know, it's like some weird thing that he's done. It's like he's made Brittany a prisoner. You know, it's like some weird thing that he's done. It's like he's made Brittany a prisoner, you know, like she literally can't run. But Michelle, Jessie was like, that's the most beautiful nose I've ever seen. You should get that one.

No, never encourage your partner to get the best nose you've ever seen. Cause now look at her. She's like, I could be anyone. I could do anything. I have the best nose on the planet. She has like the cutest nose is what I'm trying to, it's a long way of saying she had great surgery and

now she's too good for you. A few good noses by Rob Reiner. Yeah, just suggest that your partner get mediocre surgery. You don't want part you just feel like hey, have you ever seen Macbeth? You know, the three witches, they have a great number, you should get their nose. Do that. Because now she's out of there. I just saw Annabelle walking by in the office and I was thrilled.

She walked by looking for Nigel like I've got the forms is Nigel Because now she's out of there. I just saw Annabelle walking by in the office and I was thrilled. She walked by looking for Nigel. Like, I've got the forms, is Nigel at his desk? He is not. Well, then what's the point of me even going to get the forms in the first place? Annabelle's like, oh, I got her a baby shower cake. Oh, she's throwing her own and not at the office?

Too bad, we'll have to eat it, eh, Nig? Come on. Did you hear about Gemma? She got too good of a nose job and now, so Lord Kensington has left her. It's terrible. I told the boss when she went in for that nose job. I said she's gonna get one good nose job and then next thing you know, she's never gonna turn in her forms again. And it's happened. It's happened. It's happened. It's happened. We have to hold on. That guy's hot. And is he... I feel like he's posing for us. Is that weird? The one up there or there or the one this no the one right in front. I'm not looking at the one

Oh, I've been looking for one of their geographically. Oh that guy that guy with the mustache. I didn't see that guy He's like watching. He's like watching. He's like watching YouTube right now. He looks like he's because look here comes someone from the back It's like all right. All right. All right. This is me and coming up in five minutes Or I want a team come meet me in the conference room All right, there's a meeting coming up in five minutes. All right, I want A-Team, come meet me in the conference room. Oh, there he is. He has a scratchy stomach, just scratched his stomach like he's his old dog.

Oh, he's reaching for his phone. Oh, someone's on their phone at work. Wait, for that text, he's like, he's got a big date tonight. It's like, did she text back yet? We're gonna meet. He's like, are those guys looking at me on the grinder or real life? This is so meta.

By the way, Gemma's over there. Gemma just took a seat. Gemma took a seat. She's like, Gemma's not here. No, she took a seat. Gemma took a seat. She's like, Gemma's not here. She's behind the pillar now. Here she is. Here she is.

Wait, no. Oh, shit. Look, there's Robert. Robert's just pacing back and forth up there. He's like the annoying one. He's like, does anyone want to have some tea? And Gemma's like, oh God, not again. Robert's the temp.

They won't give him a desk. He's like, so I finished the filing you've asked me to do. Shall I sit here? No, don't you sit there, Robert. Don't you sit there. It's like, so I've finished the filing you've asked me to do, shall I sit here? No, don't you sit there, Robert, don't you sit there. It's not your chair, you haven't earned that chair, Robert. That's for a full-timer. Are you sure you really can't see Gemma? She's standing up, there she is, there she is.

You see how she's putting, there she's walking. She's walking. That's not a Gemma, it's a guy with a hoodie, isn't it? No, it's that window. Gemma just, no, she just, Gemma just walked out and she put her hand behind her like this, like, I'm just over it today. Do you think people are always on stage because they know that people from the hotel are always

staring at them with their laptops out? Jemma's like, yes. Jemma's like, I can't. I've got all these emails, these two people across the way just watching me and my husband. Because they're very performatively working at the office. He's like, look at me. Type, type, typing. It's like they're in a Sam Shepard play about an office.

They really are. And there's one guy who keeps walking around in the background who's clearly the one who's like, he has a mug, he works in accounting. He's like, so did you guys see the news today? They've picked up EastEnders for another season. There's Gemma. You see her? Okay, we need to get to this. Okay, we're not.

That's highly interesting. I will stop interrupting. I'm gonna stop interrupting literally nothing happening. Okay, so Michelle's like, just she has the skill Michelle has the egg because she's got a great nose now. So she's done. She feels like a failure, you know, because she's not like Gemma over there. Gemma tried the nose job didn't work. So just like, Hi, Gemma, welcome home. Here's some more filing.

She's like, I thought this nose would make me too good for this goddamn job. Here I am thinking forms to fill. Jam was just trying to finish her forms that way she can get to knitting club tonight. Okay, so back to the pontoon. Jackson's like, so last night, you were like, it's fucking over. Was that real? Were you just drinking and just as like, no, you know, a little bit of both because sometimes when I get emotional, I digress and she's gonna leave me but the truth is,

we're both Oh, no, this is Jesse not not a not a shard. Let me put my teeth away. Hold on. Yeah, so I don't know. It's like when I get emotional, I digress. I'm like, is she gonna leave me? You know, the truth is, we're both working back to getting the square one. Listen, I went and spent a healthy weekend with some young people doing drugs in a forest. So surely that was enough to...

Oh, by the way, we got a few emails from people like, that therapy really works. And my son is traumatized and he did. Yeah, and I'm not saying that therapy doesn't work. I'm saying if your husband is a piece of shit and the only thing he's willing to do is spend a weekend getting fucked up in a forest to leave him. I'm not saying anything about the whole therapy. So continue on. Do whatever works for you. I'm just saying a piece of shit husband needs to do a little bit more than drugs. So the guys, they're fishing, they catch like a

really small fish, they throw it back in the water, but the fish is like dead. The fish is like, oh my God, I die. The fish is just like flopping. It's just like lying there in the water, but the fish is like dead. The fish is like, Oh my God, I die. The fish is like flopping. It's just like lying there in the water. And like, it's got Michelle's personality. I know it's got Michelle giving up the lolly stank. Like as soon as Jesse lolly touches a living thing and loses his soul. So it's just lying there like, come on fish. And then a bird swoops down and eats it.

So then there's talking about, I thought this was interesting because they're joking that it was the circle of life. So Danny starts singing the circle of life and then to bleep the entire thing out. And Jack's like, you can't sing that. It's the Lion King, dude. It's registered. So then he goes, it's the square of life. And I thought that was interesting that if you sing the square of life, it can actually

be shown on Bravo. But if you sing the circle of life, it is verboten. Well, yeah, you can't just trademark every word. Can you Walt? I know. I just thought that was an interesting work around. So then we go back to the girls and they're waiting for Janet and surprise. And Janet's like, oh my gosh, you guys, this is so cute.

Yeah, it's like really sweet that they went out of their way to set this up for me. And you know, I've been feeling kind of overwhelmed with all the nothing I'm doing. And I don't wanna be friends with someone who wants to stress me out while I'm pregnant. I wanna be babied until I have my baby. I'm gonna see a flashback to Zach's Instagram story

that was just a geo tag of Big Bear, as if that's like, it's like Freddy Krueger or like Jason Voorhees gonna crawl out of the water and attack them all. Now listen, if I went on a nap and it said, Zach is five feet from you, would I be scared? I would, I would. Okay, but you need to calm down.

I understand that you don't wanna be stressed out during your pregnancy. Guess who else doesn't wanna be stressed out during your pregnancy? Me, why should I be stressed out? I never impregnated you. Why should I have to deal with a fallout of your pregnancy? Keep your pregnancy to your goddamn self. And if you can't stay off TV, that's what I say.

You're stressing me out, lady. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct.

You're such a Leo. All time. Yeah. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, if you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second, then join me, Hunter Harris, and me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wanderies' newest podcast, Let Me Say This.

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So follow Morbid on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to Morbid early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So she's saying, it's so great having other moms around. It's great support. And so it's all starting to feel real now. So then they start playing baby shower games. So they all are chugging water out of little baby bottles, very Lala style. And whoever finishes first wins all that kind of stuff.

And Nia's like, oh, I thought I was gonna be the one that first to win first, but I wasn't the one, huh? Now I get why babies always need to burp, Daniel. And when they're sucking out of the bottle, they just keep pointing to Brittany's bottle, like water, still water. Water, it's just water, everybody. Because you know, if Jax was there, he'd be like,

oh my God, there she is wasted again. By the way, I see Jackson's little plan has worked with a lot of this audience. You guys don't fall for Jackson's plan, okay? I get that Brittany has some GERD or whatever the fuck is going on with Brittany and she's got a bad stomach and she probably shouldn't be drinking,

reading hot sauce or doing whatever she's doing. But Jackson came on this show to make all of us turn against Brittany and call her a bad mother and an alcoholic. And you guys are doing it. Stop doing that. Leave that poor Kentucky little muffin alone. So she barfs in bags in her driveway every once in a while. At least she doesn't do it all over the driveway, which all the guys on these shows would do. And you're not a bad mother just because you throw up every once in a while and get shit faced. Otherwise I would have been given to an orphanage a long time ago. Just let the woman live.

So Brittany is like, she's like, Hi, Gina, what's your odd day of birth, flying? So Janice talking about she wants to get an epidural. She's like, I just want to get there and push for a few minutes. And like, well, I pushed for a long time. Michelle's like, yeah, my doctor and Jesse got into a fight. And Brittany's like, yeah, I started back labor. And they all just start telling all the terrible things that happened. It's like, I almost started to bleed out. My baby came out backwards and in roller skates,

and then it started roller skating on my uterus. It really hurt. Brittany's like, yeah, mom was playing a piano. Unfortunately, it was grand piano. It really hurt. Well, I had a velociraptor invasion in the middle of my pregnancy. That was difficult.

My baby had seen La La on TV. It came out with claw nails. It really hurt bad. So now the guys, their boat's arriving, and then they're giving Danny shit for catching like a three inch trout and everything. And then there's like this weird thing where Jesse's like, yeah,

you think you locked in the Loch Ness. And he's like, I would have rode it. It's like, you would have rode the trout. No, I would have rode the Loch Ness. So now you're having sex with a sea creature. The neck is so long. I'm like, what are these? Do we need to have a camera on them at all times?

Men talking is one thing. Straight men talking is another thing. Straight men from the valley talking is quite another thing. About the Loch Ness Monster, enough. It's a lot. Enough. So then Danny's farting in the car, and they're like, oh my God, Danny's so drunk, you know?

And Jax is like, yeah, I mean, look at his life. Imagine having kids, three of them, all the time, and a wife, fuck no, fuck no. He's like, I'd be passed out by now drunk. So they come back and Brittany's like, oh my God, you got some sign. And Jesse's like, Nia, I'd get your mop and broom out because you need to clean this mess up, referring to Danny.

Yeah, so that tonight the dinner is that everyone's going to get dressed in their fantasy outfits, whatever interpretation that is. It's the last night in Big Bear. And so everyone's dressing up and- I'd be a belly button Eminem. That's the Eminem that you hide in your belly button for a snack later. What would you dress as?

Oh, what would I dress as for Dom? I think for Dom I would- Well, I'm lonely, so I just dress for myself. A belly button EminM. My fantasy. I think for Dom I would probably like dress like as a bunch of french fries with a big butt. So everyone's like they're gonna do this and now we go over to Kristen's apartment or her apartment area, because this show has got to give us some Kristen. They give us too little Kristen for this. Okay.

So Kristen and Luke are walking the dogs, AKA Jill and the other one. Cause are there any other dogs outside of Jill in that apartment? Dogs going to poop. Jill's going to poop. Well, watch is this response. This is Jill's poop spot. Seriously, seriously. And then Jill does poop. Just like nailed it nailed it I always tell the truth I always tell the truth people say I lied tell the truth I said that's where Jill scooped up she pooped there seriously seriously so the producers like um do you have any FOMO about like not being the rest of the group just no no I would rather be glued to my couch watching

Jill choose another poop spot than to be with those people. Okay, okay. I don't want to even be with him. In fact, I have Jomo, the joy of missing out. Seriously. Seriously. As Kristen goes back to watching Jill poop underneath the for rent sign at her apartment. So then Luke is contemplating, he's like, is it Tortellini or is it Tortelloni? Because I've never been in the city before. This is very difficult. She's like, just Tortellini.

He's like, but I've seen Tortelloni before, so what's that? She's like, I don't know, maybe it's Tortellini, did it spell it wrong? He's like, no, Tortelloni's different. I'm a city person now, I'm gonna get educated. She's like, someone please take me to Big Bear. Yeah. She's like, that's notellini is different. I'm a city person. Now I'm going to get educated. She's like, someone please take me to Big Bear.

Yeah, she's like, that's not even a real thing. Tortellini. Stop making things up. I have Jomo. The joy of missing out on tortellini discussions. That's not even a real thing. So tortellini. Um, I think it's like a larger, I think it's like a larger tortellini. Tortellini. I mean, you're the ones going to Italy tomorrow. Well, you can look it up.

Well, before I even go out there. Hey, y'all, what tortelloni? All right, I'm going to look it up. I'm going to look up. Hi, everybody. My name's Rondal. I'm from Texas. What's tortelloni, y'all?

Oh, I know what a tortelloni is. It's like when you're a turtle, but you're owned by the Torkelsons. Oh, God. Okay, this is what surgery I want. I want to take my waddle that's right here and then I want to pull it over to the side of my face and then I want to staple it and then I want to cut it. Can they just do that? Why don't they just make it easier? Okay. Okay. Tortolone versus tortellini. What's the difference? Okay. This is from Tasting Table. God, I love, wait, I wish I were in the editorial room for Tasting Table with like, okay, Melinda, what do you have?

Okay, I've got this idea for an article. Tortellini versus tortelloni. What's the difference? Am I right, everyone? It's gonna break the internet. Like, do it, Melinda. You can do it. Gemma's like, oh, but it's Millie trying to pretend she's fancier than everyone else ordering a tortellini with an L in it. Oh, this is a thing that has like a million. Just tell me. Okay, so how are they different? I think you're right. Because one that's a big one, right? It's a big tortellini. Like tortellini tortellini is a stuffed pasta shaped into a circle and stuffed with a warm cheese.

Masterclass comes at tortellini while also from northern Italy is traditionally vegetarian in nature uses no meat, just ricotta and vegetables okay but because it can say it's no meat like tortelloni does oh so tortellini has meat and tortelloni has no meat another difference is quite literally highlighted by the name tortelloni tortelloni ends with a suffix oni which indicates a larger size so you were So it's not only is it vegetarian. It's bigger. It's big and budget. It's full of vegetables.

It's so has so many vegetables. It's bigger. Well, Siri just turned on. She taught Siri something. Okay. So we go, we go back to big bear. He was like, I don't hate when she does that. Yes, because she does it over.

You talk and she turned, you go Siri and then she turns on and then you go call and she goes, mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So fucking annoying. Every time they're like, we perfected her. We perfected her with this update guys. And everybody gets so excited. And then she just starts fucking with you in new ways. It's not a good quality in a human, let alone an AI.

We're being stared at by that office and I'm gonna sue them. Who's staring at us? And Gemma's over there twirling around in her goddamn seat. You can see her, you can see her, her cloak swiveling. Gemma needs to watch her ass. I'm calling human resources. Who's staring at us?

I would like to make- Performative stomach scratcher. Okay, he stopped. Now he's taking it. I wanna make, I wanna make him, oh, look at him, wait. He's still checking his text. He's still waiting on his date, Nathan. He's like, have you found your friend yet?

She still hasn't texted you. He have a notification, okay? Okay, so Jax gets home. He's like, I gotta poop. I gotta poop really bad. And Brittany's like, we're supposed to be in fantasy right now, please don't talk about your pooping. Here's what I want you to dress as.

A hunter with a net who's hunting for sparkle because I love my Jax. Jax, I don't wanna hear about your constipation. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So then Jason's wearing a hot dog outfit because Janet loves corn dogs. This was kind of hot because Jason has really good arms and it really highlighted how good his arms are.

So I actually kind of appreciated this hot dog costume also. No, you know, I think Jason's getting too good of a rap. Everybody's like, I hate Jason, I hate Janet, but I love Jason, Jason's amazing, you know, I think Jason's getting too good of a rap. Everybody's like, I hate Jason. I hate Janet, but I love Jason. Jason's amazing. Janet's the best. Jason's wonderful.

No, Jason is a Janet enabler. So I'm not going to get behind that. He acts nice, but he's really enabling Janet at the end of the day. So there's something wrong with him. But also nice arms. I don't care. So listen, nice arms.

Nice arms, law degree. I don't know. So listen, nice arms, nice arms, law degree. I don't know. I'm into him. So- Janet enabler. Whoop, X canceled all that other stuff. Whatever. I love my monsters on Bravo.

The more Janet's a monster, Janet is a huge monster. It does not take away that she's a monster, but I love my monsters. I have historically always loved the worst women on Bravo. I cannot help it. Just saying you shouldn't love her. I know you're not saying that. So, but I'm just saying like,

if someone says they're Janet and neighbor, I'm like, that's okay. I'm a Janet and abler too. You are Janet and abler. I'm a Janet and abler. So Nia's like, what do you think you're gonna dress up as? And Danny's like, I don't know. You said you're gonna be ranch dressing.

So Nia was supposed to be in ranch dressing, but didn't show up on time. I like that Danny just wants to be a basic bitch on Bravo because that was the old thing from Vanderpump Rules, right? When all the witches of WeHo were like, our thing is like, we really love ranch. Like Stassi built an entire podcast community on the fact that she loves a ranch

and like soft rock and elevators. So Nia's ranch costume didn't show up in time. But the thing is this is that Nia has a lot of coincidental things that have to happen, which gets mentioned later this episode, which also is something that I mentioned when they went to Malibu, how Dani all of a sudden needed her to come back. So I'm not sure that that ranch costume didn't arrive in time. I think it was never ordered in the first place. Nia's soul is already ranch dressing. Like she's, her personality is already a bottle of ranch. I don't think she, and she's like the yogurt ranch, you know?

She's a ranch dressing soul living in a French dressing lifestyle. Here's what I want her facial Botox filler person because she looks amazing. Have you seen, did you notice that when she went to the interview, she had like a different face? She had a different look. A lot of them had different looks. But not only a different look, a different face. Like her face was different. She went in and got like a tune up and stuff.

She looks great. Who's your person? Are they in Santa Clarita? Tell me. I need to know. And can I say something retroactively because I know we're not going to get to it for a little while. Rachel Futo's strange dress with a giant rose on the front of it. That looks like a hemorrhoid. What is that thing? It literally looks like a monster from Zelda, one of those monsters that hangs off the wall, the like-like. It's like a sandworm from Dune, which by the way, I finished Dune, everyone.

I finished it. But it is literally like her chest is a sandworm. It's like it's trying to like it's like a sandworm from Dune which by the way I finished Dune everyone I finished it but it is literally like her chest is a sandworm is like ready to consume us and turn us into spice. I think she looks like a hemorrhoid. It can be all the same or one of the monsters one of the monsters from that new zombie that newer zombie show on HBO. Oh it's called. You mean The Last of Us? The other zombie show that Danny doesn't do the voices for. It's like, don't be friends with Teresa. So Danny is wasted.

He wants to be, he wants to dress up like ranch and he is like, oh, so Daniel's obviously had a lot to drink. She's back in her Daniel zone where she does that thing where even though every single other person calls him Danny, she sort of like exercises the Daniel privilege of like being like in a relationship. She's trying to upgrade her husband, I think. She's trying to upgrade and she's also trying to exert, like she's trying to remind everyone,

I have special access to this person, which she doesn't have to remind people of because she's already married to him, but she is trying to also upgrade him and like formalize. I think she's trying to upgrade him where she was like, guys, he's not a Danny, he's a Daniel. And Daniels are very serious people who take their family and their lives very seriously. They're not playful drunks like Danny's. Yeah. Daniels

like chose to be Jamie Frazier from Outlander. And like, I've watched Outlander like three times all the way through. So I'm like excited. Like, I'm so excited my costume did not show up. Like I was gonna be a bottle of ranch. Now I've only watched a couple of episodes of Outlander. But I think if a couple of episodes of Outlander, but I think if your wife's dream is Outlander that she wants to leave you because I know it's a romantic show, but it's also like that guy's really hot. You're never going to live up to it.

And it's also about time travel. So I think she's regretting her choices. I think that's a lot of women romance things where they're just like, I really regret you. And they're trying to like think of a time machine to change everything again, you know, where the guys are just like, I really regret you. And like, they're trying to like, think of a time machine to change everything again, you know, where they're just like, Yeah, and I think this is a big gap, because Danny literally looks like a little Disney character, like a little Disney

boy, he looks like he's like on Captain Hook's ship, like one of the cronies, you know, he should be like, doing something silly in the background. And so there's like a big gap between this, like little boy Disney look versus Outlander. That's gonna be a hard goal for her to bridge. So the couples are gathering in the living room. Janet is dressed like vanilla because that's Jason's fantasy because he loves standard sex.

And Michelle- Think about those two. One of them wanted the other one to dress up as a hot dog and the other one has to dress as vanilla. What's the- Well, you've got a main- I don't really have woman. Well, you've got a man and a dessert. So Michelle, Michelle and Jesse. So Michelle is dressed up in the outfit she wore on the first date, aka the booty call she had with Jesse when

she was wearing basically just like a raincoat and nothing else. And Brittany is dressed as a puck bun. Oh yeah, a puck bunny. Sorry, a puck bunny from hockey. It's just the list gets sadder and sadder and sadder as we go through it. Jax is an NBA player. So there's that. And then Jasmine is Kalani because her girlfriend loves Kalani. And everyone sits down and then we have Chef Tammy, who just looks like Uma Thurman in about 15 years. And she's like, Hi, everyone. Well, I don't know if you know what tonight is. But that's why this menu is so special. Dan's like, is it Scottish? And Tim's like, No, it's not Scottish. I was trying to, I had a spiel that I was working on. But thanks. It's aphrodisiacs. And there's an aphrodisiac

component to every dish. And he says, is it Scottish or Irish? Cause I like Irish and Scottish I think, cause that's the odd jarg and I. And Brittany's like, oh my gosh, she's so damn beautiful. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, wow, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. Jesus, Brittany, let her finish her spiel. I'm sorry. I thought she was done.

God, because she's rude, Brittany. I'm sorry. I thought she was done. Oh, my god. Are you wasted again? I didn't drink nothing. Oh, my god. She's wasted, guys.

I'm sorry. I'm only had four drinks. I didn't drink nothing. Try it out. She was doing keg stands in the bedroom, guys. I'm so sorry. Hey, Tammy, can I make a special order for my omelet? Could you fill it with SPARKLE cause I lost my hungry.

Hey Tammy, let me feel pretty right now. Tammy's like, fuck this gig. Tammy's like, I made everything like an aphrodisiac cause surely it's a couples trip so you all wanna fuck later. Tammy, no thanks. Can we fire Tammy? I don't need you bringing up this cast on TV and making them horny. They're hard enough to watch clothed.

We do not need these people potentially reproducing, okay? So the producers then ask everyone to do a Scottish accent, you know, because of Danny's wig, and then Danny can't do an accent very well, so then Jesse goes, I've learned one thing this summer. It's that Danny is a terrible actor. Everyone's like, oh, Jesse, that was mine.

And then he goes, it's all of a sudden Danny gets very serious because apparently you haven't seen any of my work and you live under a rock and don't own a television because you may remember I was on the OC 20 years ago. Is that what he was on? He was a Disney kid I thought. I think he was all of the above. He did have a guest. There was definitely a moment where there's like a scene where he was like hooking up with someone like he was in like a gay relationship on the OC. Yeah.

Oh, look at that. There's a clip out there. You'll see it. He had like Ryan Cabrera hair and everything. So then that's a couple of Disney kids on this show because Pink Crocs was another Disney kid. Did you know that? Pink Crocs? Yeah, the- Oh, Simon. Yeah. The universal is Eels. Simon was and Zack was someone who went to Disneyland at some point, I'm sure. He's like,

Who wants to go on Space Mountain? I literally am gonna die if I'm not on Space Mountain. You guys better fucking hurry up. The line for Space Mountain is getting longer. The more you choose Sip Your Fantasy Land latte, the longer that line. A fantasy land longer the line at Space Mountain gets- Oh my God, why are we not at Space Mountain getting longer. The more you choose sip your fantasy land latte, the longer that line of fantasy land longer the line of Space Mountain gets. Oh my God, why are we not at Space Mountain yet? So Danny's all upset and Jack's like, hey, you're a great actor.

You're great. He's like, I know I am. Jesse's like, maybe just not a great Scottish one then. Janet's like, that's rude. Listen, I just came up with this wig where I spare the moment. I like that, Danny's like, I haven't had time to get into character. And you are, like, I am doing a cold,

this is a cold reading of this Outlander character and you cannot base my acting skills off of my impromptu wig moment. Yeah, it's like, I just came up with a spare the moment. Jeez, man. So then they're like, oh, one thing we know about Danny is that he's really sensitive. So we see clips of him being sensitive.

I just like, I feel like it's so mean. Like, it's not fair because the show roasts Danny for being sensitive, shows a whole clip montage where I think a far worse, like, transgression is Jesse for being a total dipshit asshole. Where's the montage of him just being awful all season instead? There's literally 20.

They have montages of Jesse being awful. Just him talking. Whenever he talks, it's a montage of him being an asshole, to be honest. That'll even have to go back far. They could show a whole montage of each episode. They're like, here's where Jesse was an asshole today. Just today.

I like Danny being a sensitive wiss thing because Danny does the thing or he and they Brittany's about to call him out on it. But he does do the thing where it's so much harder for him than everybody in the world who's going through the same thing, including the woman with the babies on her boobs. That's true too. He does deserve a little bit of shit. Commercials, here comes one right now. I'm Shimon Liayi, and I have a new podcast called The Competition. Every year, 50 high school senior girls compete in a massive scholarship competition.

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Look like Danny's really Nia's fantasy, you know? So Janet's like, um, well, it sounds like, oh, sorry, Michelle's like, by the way, by the way, can we talk about that house in your home search? Can we talk about that? Which is Michelle starring the pot, because it was literally the last episode. Michelle's constantly starting shit on this show. And it's impressive because she seems like she wouldn't be great for TV, right? She's very like, I don't know why my husband thinks I'm cheating. And then she smiles like she's a really terrible liar and a terrible actor. But she's great.

Like she comes right in and stirs everything. And we know she's trying to stir the pot. She's not just asking a simple question because she literally said last episode, why didn't you say anything when I brought you to Santa Clarita I brought you there so that way you could tell Danny that this was a terrible idea. Yeah. So she's like, yeah, it's like a do over for Nia right now. Yeah. So she's like, yeah, basically yell at Danny in front

of everybody, right. So then we see the clip of Nia of Nia saying, Well, it's just that Danny makes me feel heard, but he's also like, this is definitely not happening. Oh, no. So then Janice like, well, it sounds like, wait, hold on. I'm still, I still have my offended face because Jesse was so rude previously. So hold on.

That felt really good. Okay, let me move on now. So from what I'm getting, Nia wants to move to WeHo, something like that. And Nia's like, yeah, I wanna be in WeHo or Miracle Mile. That's like where my friends are. By the way, the concept of miracles should never be applied to this show.

So like, let's not even think about miracle mile. Or honestly, that neighborhood, let's be honest. So Jack's like, hope you got a lot of money. Hope you got a lot of money if that's where you want to live. Hope you got a lot of money. I just, I want a three bedroom condo. And then, you know, you start with a three bedroom condo

and then you got a house in the backyard when the kids are bigger and need to learn self-defense. Yeah, Dan is like, can I talk? Can I say something? Can I say something as a Scottish Irish man who just does nothing but raise babies? Okay, now we've got 23 square foot penthouse condo, which is really a way to sell it because that place does not look that is not 300 that's 200 and house 230 square foot okay there's like a weird yellow apartment with all the all the blinds drawn at all times there might be an old withered up penthouse under a mattress in that dump but i'm not only your house shit i'm giving you stop

stop trying to act like you were on park avenue and we know you're in woodman or something like that yeah he's like but we it's huge it a mansion. And we're bursting at the seams already. And Jax is like, basically, you don't even have room for diapers. You don't even have room for motherfucking diapers, bro. Santa Clarita, that's where it's at. Well, with what we make, this is what we can afford. And the valley is where we need to look.

And Jax is like, yeah, never feel, never, like, you never need to feel bad, though. Because like, you're in the top bracket with what you do. You're like, literally, top bracket of zombie like, you never need to feel bad though, cause like you're in the top bracket with what you do. You're like literally top bracket of zombie voiceovers. So don't feel bad. That's such an asshole. You're in the top bracket of the lowest bracket. It's a low bracket, but you're in the bracket, all right?

You're not tall enough to get on the roller coaster, but you are tall enough to get in a go-kart, a mini go-kart, So, hmm, you winning. Who else here has three kids? No one, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 300, 200, 300, 200. Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, no one?

No one's got three kids? Okay, exactly. And Brittany goes, oh, yeah, it's just you, Danny. It's not me at all, right? I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. He's like, no, guys, guys, guys, guys, it's a different look when you got three kids. No one else has three kids. Jack's like, I'm supporting you, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay, I'm okay. He's like, no, guys, guys, guys, it's a different look when you got three kids. No one else has three kids.

Jack's like, I'm supporting you, I'm supporting you. It's like, and he was like, Danielle, you supporting? He was like, I know. I'm talking to the table. I'm talking to the table right now. I don't know what y'all were talking about, X. I couldn't hear you.

I don't know. Yeah, she was drunk. Brittany was drunk. I'm trying, X, I wasn't drunk. Yo, we're saying no one gives the dads any credit, all right? And Jasmine's like, okay, okay. So the guys get some credit, great, but no one's listening to Nia.

And then Danny goes, are you kidding me right now? She goes, I'm just saying that's what it looks like. Oh, to who? To who? Who's it look like? To me. Nia, he's like, Nia, Nia. Nia's like, she's getting so uncomfortable

because remember her background is pageantry and she's not comfortable when you have to like drop the happy smile. So she's like, come on, like don't talk to the whole table. Talk to me, Daniel, talk to me, Daniel. He's like, no, I have to talk to the whole table. Talk to me, Daniel, don't talk to Jasmine.

He's like, I got a whole table telling me I don't listen to his wife. She's like, it's like, shh, Mia. I got a whole table people telling me I don't listen to my mom. Be good, be good, you know what I mean? Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Three under two, three under two. No one's here, I'm alone.

Unfortunately, our cab is here and we're gonna have to go to our bedroom. Ranch dressing doesn't talk. Oh, I'm so. I'm alone. Unfortunately, our cab is here and we're gonna have to go to our bedroom. Ranch dressing doesn't talk. Oh, I'm so sorry everyone. Daniel unfortunately has a business meeting in his bedroom so we're gonna have to leave the table. So. So who notices this?

Was it Jason? It's like a little bit, it's a little bit later, but basically, Nia is trying to like shut this down. She's trying to shut it down. She's like, she's like, just stop Daniel, just stop. Like this is okay everyone. Just want to say this just be a private conversation and like, where's your smug face at?

Exactly, exactly. Shouldn't be a conversation with everybody in Marat. That's what I was saying. That's what I was saying. Nia, you just fucked me over. Huh? You just cursed at me. You just screwed me over there. You just said the at me. You just screwed me over then.

You just said the F word. I said screwed. On national television. It'll be quiet, I can't even hear you. Is there someone sitting next to me? Ranch doesn't talk, all right? The only thing Ranch should talk to is lettuce. So then this is when Jason's like,

you know, it's actually like pretty funny because like when Danny gets like this, Nia has like a babysitter call, gotta go, it always happens. And we see a clips of that. I hadn't noticed that she literally does that every time they shoot. She's like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, gotta go. Gotta call from babysitter Danny. Gotta run. Just gotta call. The babysitter is on our way. She just picked up a whole bunch of things from Chipotle. We don't want those tacos to get cold. So gotta go everyone. So Jason's like, unfortunately, you can't do that when you're staying in the house.

So she's like, Oh, I have to process my thoughts and Britney's like, you know what she needs? A shot. That's what she needs. I could use one too, actually. I said, I don't want to fight in front of a table of friends. Just not how I handle things. So now it's the next morning and Nia's very pretty shot of Nia in bed with the twins and Danny. And Danny's like, whoops, blame it on the altitude. That was not my proudest moment. And of course what I'm talking about is showing up

in a character I hadn't researched yet. They just never do that, never do. Put in the time, put in the time for it. So I mentioned last week or the week before that Jax had left some Instagram comments. Someone said, oh my God, Danny's so amazing. He's like the best husband on this show. And Jax left a comment saying something like,

oh, let's see how this age is, insinuating that Danny's really gonna show his ass and everybody's gonna turn around Danny. Do you think this was it? Cause I don't think this was so bad. I don't think, Jax just says shit all the time, just to insinuate shit. I know, but it makes me want to know what it was, you know?

And if it was this Jax, try harder. Try harder. Stupid. Also be better with making your bagel. He makes a bagel and he starts just like putting the schmear down, just sort of like haphazardly. You need a better technique. And it's just very Jax, and I think this is nitpicking,

but Jax wakes up and immediately makes himself something. Everybody else wakes up and starts making a group breakfast, but Jax wakes up and just makes a shitty little bagel for himself. Yeah, like enjoy your lender's bagel, because he knows some sort of frozen bagel. Yeah. So Michelle and Jesse are talking.

I know he's got plenty of lenders, bless his heart. So Michelle and Jesse are planning, they've got to figure out picking up Isabella later. I think Millie died, look at all the birds circling above the office building. Oh, terrible news everyone, unfortunately. Millie never found the foal, so we had to poison her toasty. Stiff upper lip, so everyone, we're going to have

some eaten mess, which is a tribute to Millie in so many different ways, She had a terrible workstation. But she would always have a pet. Do seagulls circle something and then kill it? Are those seagulls? What kind of birds are those? Oh, seagulls. They're very close.

That was very close to us. We just got them by the eye. Yeah, those are seagulls. These are seagulls. They're looking for something dead. Look at that one. These seagulls, are we close to a body of water? Water?

I'm gonna look it up. I think we're always close to a body of water. Okay, so Michelle and Jesse are talking and Michelle's like, I don't want to pack. So I'm gonna watch you pack. And he's like, yeah, back to reality. Do we have to pick up Isabella? So we're talking about the kid.

And so he's like, okay, so listen, you know, everyone's telling me you're cheating and I'm trying to play it standoffishly, but I'm gonna look really fucking stupid if you've been cheating on me and she's like what? Why would you think that I've been so clear with you when I said I was taking pictures and sending them to somebody Similar to ground beef with ketchup and breadcrumbs So

Just as like, you know, I don't like to hear stuff like that because it makes me question you. Okay? Makes me wonder why are there so many Rob Reiner movies on our Netflix queue? I don't understand this. Okay? Like, why would someone make that up? She's like, I've been pretty clear with you.

And he goes, I know we deal with clients differently. And then, you know, then Kristen would ever deal with everyone. Okay? But the truth is, first, you won't let me touch your phone or go near it. Then there's a rumor that you're sending sexy, flirty photos to Rob Reiner. And I know it's coming from Kristin, but truth is, you know, when you start to compound all these things,

it starts to seem real. I don't know why you would be questioning me. It's like, I don't like Jesse, but I think those are all some pretty valid reasons, okay? And he's like, you know what? This morning started well. We had sex. And I laid there and I thought, is there truth to this?

Because she acted like she wasn't there. She had her eyes closed. She literally did a fake orgasm. And then she did a different voice and said, I'll have what she's having. And I was like, what is happening here? And then I realized I wasn't having sex with her at all. I was masturbating into a pillow and she was watching When Harry Met Sally on the other side of the room.

Yeah, so he finally got laid, but she was just like... It's like Wagner's show with her eyes closed. I mean, we've all been there, you know? It's like, those were the days. Like, why are you singing that, Michelle? She's like, please help the children. She's just off Rob Reiner movies now she's just on to Sally Struthers commercials.

So Michelle says Kristen says today, Kristen is accusing me of being a cheater when she has cheated on her boyfriends. And the producers like, How are you saying that she's cheated on Luke? Like, is there something that you wanna talk about? And she's like, um, I don't know. Oh? I forgot how to- And the smile's really big,

and it's like, girl, no one cares that Kristen cheated because she's not married to Luke with a baby. Do you understand? You guys on Bravo need to stop with your non apples to apples comparisons, ma'am. Everyone expects it from Kristen, okay? We're all sitting here waiting to see how she cheats on Luke.

We're excited to see how she cheats on Luke. It's not the same thing. Jill is ready. Jill is ready to send in a blind item. I'll tell you that much. Yeah. So now, Brittany- Jill's like, I choose the side of the one

who knows when I'm gonna shit. I choose the side of someone who who knows when I'm gonna shit. I choose the side of someone who actually knows my favorite place, who actually listens. Yeah. So in the kitchen, Britney's like, Hi, where my coffee cup go? Jackson knows to let me alone because I'm not a morning person. Because she's drunk. She's wasted right now. Everyone look at her.

Kenny, I know better than to talk to her in the morning. You know who else is in a bad mood in the morning? Whiskey. Basically a mocking bottle of tequila. That one. So, um, it's like, yeah, that's real hard. You know, Hey, Jaina look at my eyes. Remember I used to break out in half of my eyes.

I was like, where is my sport? And it's just like, can we just go outside and talk about Jackson? You're a terrible marriage. So they go outside and Brittany's like, Oh my God, there's swings of water tanks. It's like my wedding. Well, really in the country, it's like we're in that movie about postmates. What was that called delivery? It's like, no deliverance.

Ho ho. So Janet's like, so does this remind you of home? By the way, I wanted to talk to you about you and Jack's. Oh, I know. It was awful. He's making it sound like I have a drinking problem something like that I mean just cuz every time I talk I sound like I'm going glue glue glue glue that's just how I pronounce things okay are you kidding me Jax I am NOT acting like

Jesse and Daniel over there I mean it is really harsh and he shouldn't scream at you like that I mean you really shouldn't scream at you like that. I mean, you really shouldn't scream at someone when they actually smell like a margarita. It's bad form. Like, I don't want margaritas to be smelled that. You really do smell good, Brittany. Listen, I'm at home with my child 24 seven and I don't drink with him at home. Okay, I'm a mother first

and I'm allowed to have a drink sometimes. And she's like, yeah, you guys just need to communicate. They are communicating. He's calling her a drunk and she's saying, fuck you. What are you not understanding? That's called communication. Yeah, that's a pretty clean argument right there. Yeah.

So Janet's like, well, it just seems like it's getting worse. And like, I know you guys don't believe in divorce. I wouldn't go down that path or anything. She's, oh, we would go down that path, we would. And it's like a mega, yeah, and of course, Brittany's like, I'd fucking divorce her. That's the only one saying he wouldn't get divorced

is Jax, who's purposely making her divorce him on purpose, because that's what he does. Stassi said that years ago, right? Yeah. So Brittany's like, yeah, saying the word divorce to Janice, definitely the first time I've said it, even though I didn't really say it, but let's just pretend I did and it's scary because I didn't know I'd ever feel that

way. You know what I mean? I asked Jason to do the smallest things to help our marriage like therapy, like make me feel purdy sometimes, but maybe getting romantic, make me feel attractive or something. And Brittany's like, I, you know, I'm just like not comfortable with my body right now. I don't feel purdy. And it's like, man, like we're, we're excited for the bar, but like And Britney's like, I know, I'm just like not comfortable my body right now. I don't feel pretty. And it's like, by like, we're excited for the bar. But like, he's like, splat. He's

like, you know, he's just like, you know, Good luck with that word. I don't know. Spicing off the baby. I wrote spicing the baby. Spicing off the baby. I just you just like his writing off the having another baby. Like we don't even try to hurt my feelings sometimes. And so you guys have to do something soon or it's gonna get really bad.

So then we go back to the house and they're just, you know, making small talks. So now me and Danny are going to go for a walk. Dun dun dun. And she's like, so obviously last night got a little heated, but I just want to be heard. Danny. I don't know about Santa Clarita. I just don't have any emotional connection to Santa Clarita. Girl, nobody has an emotional connection to Santa Clarita. No, literally no one does.

This is her saying like, please, I just want to live close to her on Wilshire Boulevard in Los Angeles. Please take me to Miracle Mile. Please don't take me up there. I know there's a Red Lobster in Valencia, but I just really don't want to go to Santa Clarita. And he's like, all right, well, I'll listen to you.

And like, she's like, I know that there's a lot on your plate too, so here, I'll feed your fragile male ego, even though you're really not doing as much as me. But now that I've stroked your ego, can we just move to Miracle Mile instead? And he's basically saying, look, you're in bed depressed all the time, and I wanna be there for our kids,

and it sounds kind of like he's gonna say, and I want you, you know, it's not like you're happy here anyway, let's go to Santa Clarita, which is where I thought, I was like, please don't go there, Danny. But he didn't, he was like, you know, you seem depressed, I wanna be there for you, and I don't wanna be this drunk idiot. I want to be there for you. I don't want to be this

drug idiot. I just want to be there for you. And she's like, but I want to be there for you too. And so when I'm not sad, I want to I want you to do things that are making you happy. Like getting drunk? No. Like riding the Loch Ness Monster? No, Danny. Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, No, Danny. Like Santa Clarita.

So he cries and then she cries. And he's like, a strong testament to our marriage is we can be vulnerable. I just hope we can be just as vulnerable. Santa Clarita, which we're definitely moving to whether she likes it or not. So now we're big bear is done, and we come into the end of the episode with some of the guys going to Gentleman's Lunch. Jesse, Jesse has his friend Oliver, who's this random guy in the middle of the scene, and they go to like a nice restaurant, and Jesse's like, yeah, one thing that I do, Fridays are Gentleman Lunch.

Yeah, Fridays are a networking lunch. Our greatest was a 20,000 four person, five course meal. I'm like, okay, congratulations. Douchebag. I'm wasting that money. He's such a fucking douchebag. So then Jason comes up and you know, everybody's like suited up. Jackson, Jason come to join him and Jesse's like, Jackson didn't say you had to wear your wedding tux. I didn't say you had to wear your wedding tux. So Jax is like, they're just like talking about like, whoa, this is expensive and everything. And Jesse's like, so we just got back from Big Bear.

Most male bonding experience, Jax cried. Pussy, stupid suit you're wearing. Yeah, I hate you. Yeah, he's explaining to his friend. And his friend's like, literally, do not care, I'm paying $5,000 for this meal. I know. So they're talking about the whole situation with Brittany and Jason's like, so by the way, friends like literally do not care I'm paying $5,000 for this meal. I know.

So they're talking about the whole situation with Brittany and Jason's like, so by the way, Jax, you said that divorce is not not divorce. What was that? You said it wasn't an option that divorce. No, I don't know what that is. Divorce. What is it? Lansakeen? Lansapine? The fish? I don't even know what words are. Lansapine? Divorce? What? That's not even our vocabulary. We're going to stay married forever. She's never going to leave. She's never gonna leave. She's never gonna fucking run. I made sure that when I sent her that surgeon,

we've got 9,000 pounds put into her. She ain't running, boys. I don't know. I get the impression from Janet and Michelle that maybe it's worse for Brittany than you think it is. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, no. She's not running. The way he says it, he's like, she's not running.

It's like, jeez, creepy. So you know, you're doing something that's going to make her want to run away. Right? You know, that's the by saying that she's not running that. Yeah, he's purposely doing it. He's purposely doing it so he can be like, you're the one who left me so now I can do whatever I want. You're the one who left so I should keep the house. I'm not the one leaving. You're the one who left so I should be able to date. That's not like I'm cheating on you. You left me. Yeah, he's got her right where she wants him.. I'm not the one leaving. You're the one who left, so I should be able to date. That's not like I'm cheating on you. You left me. He's got her right where she wants him.

And I'm surprised that he's got her right where he wants her. And I'm surprised that she's, I almost said I'm surprised that she's not smarter than this. I'm not, but I wish she was smarter than this. So the guys are like, yeah, Jack says his head in the sand. Brittany is ready to basically leave. And Jack says, no, no, she's smarter than this. So they, but the guys are like, yeah, Jack says his head in the sand. Brittany is ready to basically leave.

And Jack says, no, no, she's not gonna leave. My wife would not leave ever. Dun, dun, dun. Season finale next week where we pick the cameras back up and all the, and like really, I mean, this is pretty epic that we have two relationships out of like the five or four that are on this show Literally falling apart next week. So yeah. Wow

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She's the queen bee, it's Sarah Lemke. Shannon out of a cannon, Anthony! Let's take off with Tamla Plain! She ain't no shrinkin' Violet Coutar! We love you guys! today. Or you can listen ad free with Wondry Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey. It was the biggest scandal in pop music. The stars of Milli Vanilli, the Grammy winning multi platinum R&B phenomenon, were exposed as frauds. But none of this was their idea.

So whose idea was it? Enter German music producer Frank Farian. He saw the success of acts like Michael Jackson and Prince, and he wanted in no matter the cost. So he devised the perfect pop heist. Two once-in-a-lifetime talents who were charismatic, full of sex appeal, and phenomenal dancers. The only problem? They couldn't sing. But Frank knew just how to fix that. Wondery's new podcast, Blame It on The Fame, dives into one of pop music's greatest controversies and takes a never-before-heard look at the exploitation of two young Black artists. Milli Vanilli set the world on fire, but when the truth came out,

Rob and Fab were the only ones who got burned. Looking back now, it's hard not to wonder, why did everyone blame them and not the man pulling the strings? Follow Blame It On The Fame, Milli Vanilli on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. hard not to wonder, why did everyone blame them and not the man pulling the strings? Follow Blame It On The Fame, Milli Vanilli on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Blame It On The Fame early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus.