Watch What Crappens - #2446 Below Deck Med S09E01: Days of No Wine and Roses

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

This is part 1 of a two-parter!We’re already back with a new season of Below Deck Med (S09E01).  It’s a hellacious premiere as a shoddy provisioner leaves the crew, including a returning Aesha, without food, wine, or really anything. Get our videos and our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

You know we love any excuse to watch great reality TV, so with the weather heating up while chartering a luxury yacht might be a little out of reach, we can still get our fix by binge watching all seasons and spin-offs of Below Deck available on HeyU. The first all-reality subscription service of its kind, HeyU gives you access to every episode and every season of a wide range of captivating reality TV franchises. Plus, you can watch brand new episodes available the same day they air in the US without ads. It's pretty awesome. And if you're looking for a new series to dive into, Below Deck is the perfect choice.

Tune in for a fresh yachty drama on brand new episodes of Below Deck Mediterranean airing now. And once you're hooked, revisit classic seasons of all the franchises, including Below Deck Sailing Yacht, Adventure, and Down Under, all available on HeyU. You know that we've watched every single episode of Below Deck. We have not only watched them, we've talked about them endlessly.

We obsess over them. Below Deck is so good, and it is such a amazing source of petty, petty drama. If you're not watching it, you're really missing out. Slide into summer with Below Deck, new episodes airing now. Watch all seasons and spin-offs of Below Deck on HeyU. That's H-A-Y-U dot com. Look out, Canadian listeners.

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What's upon a beat? What's upon a beat? What's upon a beat? What's upon a beat? Guess what happens when there's so much that happens. Well, hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast for all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. Hi everybody, I'm Ronnie, that's Ben over there. Hi Ben. Hi Ronnie, how's it going?

Good, welcome to day one of Below Deck Mediterranean. The show we haven't been, we've been without this show for a good five minutes. I mean, it is amazing to have this show back on television. I know, when I saw this show sign off the airwaves three months ago, I thought, man, I can't believe I have to wait a whole nother year. But Bravo was like, no, you don't have to wait another year. You're

going to get a new below deck med season right away. And here we are back back in the Mediterranean. And here they are. And lucky for you audience, we are doing this way in advance. When you're watching this, we're probably off in Europe somewhere. God knows fallen in love, you know, changing our lives, everything's gonna be different. Looking for provisions. But right now, we don't have anything to even shove down your throats as far as advertising, because we're already doing our European shows.

I don't even care if you buy tickets, because we're already there right now, okay? They've already happened. I don't care if you go to Patreon right now. You know why? If you don't wanna watch this on video, what the fuck do I care? I'm in Italy, fucking hot guys, I'm eating bread.

Like, do whatever you want to do. I don't care. Go to Patreon. Don't go to Patreon. Get bonus episodes down. Watch our beautiful fucking faces on this video. Don't I don't care. I'm just glad you're here. And I'm glad you're here, Ben. I'm glad to be Italian now. Wow. Yeah. Congratulations on all those Italian adventures you're up to right now. I'm currently in Amsterdam eating stroopwafels, which I feel like is just as good. You're the only person I've ever known

that's taking a trip to Amsterdam that does not give a crap about the weed. I feel like everybody else is kind of centered around that. I mean, we have it now. It's so normal now that we have it in America everywhere, especially for you. But usually that's the thing is like, I got so fucked up in Amsterdam. You're going to be like, I had a delicious croissant. I'm going to I'm going to a strewpwafel class. I may have already been to it at this point, but I'm really excited for that. I'm gonna make a strewpwafel. And I, some of us may remember the Great British Baking Show where they had to make strewpwafels as a, Some of us may remember the Great British Baking Show where they had to make stroopwafels as the technical challenge and they all failed miserably.

So I'm really excited to learn the ins and outs of making this deceptively difficult pastry. Yeah, I'm taking a pizza class because that's one thing I just can't nail. And I know that's very stereotypical. Like, oh, I'd like to take a pizza class, but hey, where would you rather me take it? Okay, there is no trip to Little Caesars.

How about say New York City? Yeah. So here we are, a new season of Below Deck, as everybody probably already knows, well, speculates, we think that Below Deck Sailing has just shit the bed by continuing to let Gary run rampant, even though it was pretty obvious from season one that he's a rapey creep, and they didn't care, and they did not listen to the signs, and now here we are with them trying to edit him out, or whatever the hell's going on over there. Nobody really knows.

Our theory, as of May 13th, is that they probably had to reshoot below deck sailing, or shelve it, or something is that, um, they probably have to like reshoot below deck sailing or, or, or shelve it or something like that. And they didn't have enough. They didn't have anything ready to go. So they're like, okay, who can we grab real quickly? Let's get captain Sandy, let's get Asia, and let's throw together a season of blow deck mad. And maybe that's for the best because this first episode was such a hilarious shit show. I could not believe how like I was smacking myself.

Congratulations, Greek provisioners for helping make this as one of the most chaotic season openers. And this is a show that has a lot of chaotic season openers. I mean, this is a show that really often starts in the wildest place. All the below decks kind of end with a whimper, but they always begin with some sort of shit show. And like this one is just out of control.

It is so good. And they also find ways to top themselves on below deck. I mean, this show has been on 97 years. It's on year round. There's 18 iterations of it. You would think it's just the same shit over and over, but it's really they do find ways to talk. Like they fire people, okay, we get that. And then they fired a chief stew with Hannah

and we're like, whoa, like they're really up in their game. And now we're gonna fire a provisioner? Like it's gotten so bad that we're moving to provisioners. I mean, that's pretty good. Way to up yourself, Blowdick. I know, seriously. So it starts off, we hear lots of drama music as usual, because of blow deck, and we see a suitcase rolling, and then we hear the unmistakable sound of Aisha, and

she goes like, Oh, I have so many butterflies, the men is where it all started for me. I'm just seeing Asha again and hearing that oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and then it just cuts to someone squeegeeing a window, which I'm like, that is the best representation of Asha voice I've ever seen. I mean, it's just so poetic. And it's like, I'm just so excited to prove my, oh no, do I sing?

Sorry, I did fart before I'm sister lingering here sorry so um then we see sort of like clips of like coming up this season you know where they sort of like integrate the trailer into like the meet the cast kind of thing so we see Captain Sandy doing all her greatest hits like, teamwork makes the dream work. Which by the way, she did not invent that. And that sort of bothers me that they're making that like her thing. Cause it's like, that's not her phrase.

That's just like a thing that's out there. Two birds in hand is better than five birds in a bush. Change the number of birds. You can come to my women's seminars anytime you want to. $19,000 a minute. Okay. No use crying over milk that is spilled. See, I did a little bit of a remix there. Made it my own. Sunrise, sunset. Okay. That's for the Jewish people out there. Sorry to break with tradition. Tradition.

All right. Now we're just going to stick with Fiddler on the roof, okay? Matchmaker, matchmaker, tie me a tie, okay? How about that? Hold on one second. Hey, this is Sandy to the Fiddler, Sandy, Sandy Fiddler. Hey, could you put out the slide? I want all the toys out before you start fiddling. I would put out the slide if I were a rich man.

Ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka ticka. All right, Tabiachis., geez. Okay. Jollyness has its place, Tev. Okay. So teamwork makes the dream work. Mixing business with pleasure has its consequences. We just see girl after girl sobbing about a guy. I mean... I know. Going down the old path again. And then we see... I know that they don't have internet that really works on these boats, but any bit of women empowerment that has happened in the real world has just passed these boats by. They have not received it yet. Okay.

No. And then, um, the big, you know, the, the trailer always ends with some sort of like boat, um, boat chaos or mishap. And so this one was like, don't drive the anchor, don't drive the anchor. And then we see the anchor literally drop right off the boat. Like the, the chain just runs off the spool. It's just now at the bottom of the ocean. They are totally on the anchor. TM TM. Okay. It's going to be on a t-shirt. So you dropped the anchor.

You're like, you're like CNN after they fired Don Lemon. You dropped the anchor. Thank you, everyone. Thank you, it's been a great season. Shout out to Katie Couric just for fun, just because I like her. We've got the same hair lots at the time. Okay, first day of the season.

Let's get going, boys, shall we? So Aisha, for whatever reason, they're making them walk this like mile long dock. And so she's huffing and puffing and she's like, oh, this is hard. And then we see memories of Aisha farting on things, talking about pooping in buckets, you know, sticking her finger up her bum to get some poop out when she was younger. It was just good times. There's so many decks. I was like, I know, welcome to every single season. Oh, you said decks, decks. Yeah. Yeah. There are a lot of decks too. Mother, I'm coming home. So she runs to Captain Sandy and they hug and hug. And she's like,

I've been wanting to work with Captain Sandy again for a long time. I've been on this journey of chief stew. And then we get clips of Joelle and the asshole chef from Down Under. Oh yeah, how many frying pans have you flipped, huh? To be back in the men, it's the best place in the world to be yarting

and when you fart, it sort of smells like olive oil. It's really beautiful. You know, Aisha always went the extra mile, especially today. That dock is long. The long dock. Yeah, she has that passion, which is something I always admired.

Not so much the farts. Didn't really enjoy those, but you know, the passion's great. So, you know, she actually proved to me that the one that smelt it did not doubt it. OK, because I smelt it all the time. It wasn't me, it wasn't me tooting. All right. I did the rhyme and I did not do the crane. OK. TM.

And the Captain Sadie t-shirt coming up. Well, I didn't deny it, so therefore I didn't supply it. I didn't deny it, so therefore I didn't supply it. So, um. Don't say dirt right after you've made a splurt. Okay, that rhymed, but it was kind of gross. Sorry. Let's just go back to it. If you got time to lean, you got time to clean.

How about that? Oh, to get here, I had to pay a lot of international fees, which is why I was always cutting the cheese. I'm not sure that's in the canon of childhood jokes about farting, but we'll allow it. So to be back in the mid, this is the best place to be in yording. So she's like, okay, here's a run down of your stews.

And so she's like, do you have a preference for who you want to second? And the captain's like, oh, I'll trust you. I'll be here to support you and do dishes, okay? Until you cross me and then I'll be undermining you for the rest of time. And a banana, can't get over it, can't get over it. Sandy has been like a second mom you know scott and i have gone visit visit sandy and her girlfriend in december and i'm just so

excited to prove myself i want sandy to cradle me in her arms and tell me i'm a good girl that i deserve the banana that i'm as good as the banana because she loves the banana i don't want anyone oh she goes oh by the the banana. I don't want anyone, oh, she goes, oh, by the way, Isha, I don't want anyone sleeping in the forward cabin, because there's a leak. And then it just cuts to Sandy in the forward cabin, staring up at a panel of the ceiling that's removed, and she's going drip, drip, drip,

and she just goes, that's a leak. No, that's a puddle on the mattress. I thought the boat was crying for a moment, but it turns out it's just a leak. So we come back and now she goes to choose her cabin. And now next is a man with, let's just say he has a, his forehead has a presence. It's, it's there. It's something you definitely notice. He comes down the, comes down the dock, a big hairy man, big hairy man with a big forehead. Oh yeah. Big redhead bear kind of guy. And he's like, Oh, the boats are dirty. I'm going to change that. Huh? kind of guy. And he's like, Oh, the boats dirty, I'm gonna change that. Huh? So I got it. He's like a crazy laughing, uh,

boasts in or whatever. And so she's like, Oh, hi, Ian. Is that how you pronounce your name? But your mom sure. I'll tell you what, I don't know how much money your parents had, but your mom sure bought a lot of vowels on this day. It's about I A I N. He's like, yeah, no, it's pronounced Ian, just throws people off. I'm from Cape Town, South Africa. My parents weren't sure what to call me, so they just called me like Mr. McGee. And then obviously they came up with the name Ian. Sounds like someone singing Old MacDonald had a farm.

Am I right? Aye, aye, aye, oh. He's like, hey, go ahead. Did you know this? Hey, Ranny. What? Right now, type the name Celine Dion. Just do it.

Okay. Into the gooks? No, just onto any sort of document or form. Just type Celine Dion. Okay. And now in order say all the vowels in her name. CLMV. Vowels, vowels. Okay.

You have to work on the vowels. Say all the vowels that are in her name. Say all the vowels that are in Celine Dion. You're right. EIEIO. Oh my gosh. How did you know that? I saw it on a meme on the internet and then it kind of like rocked my world.

Oh, McDonald, Winnie. I never knew that, I'm gobsmacked. I'm gobsmacked, that's Celine Dion's name encompasses E-I-O. I am fucking gobsmacked. I don't even know what to do with that. Just rest with it, live with it. So he's like, I'm from Cape Town. Yeah, I already think I said that.

Yeah, okay. So she's like, okay, well, you've got some experience spelling your name, because I'm sure literally everybody asks you to do that. Okay, so you've got all my trust, okay, until you approve otherwise. In which case, I'm gonna call you up here and I'm going to say, is that what you meant to do?

Did you mean to do it differently? You better get some respect in your voice right now. I'll tell you that. Okay. All right. Gugs. And he says, leading people comes, comes naturally. My dad was a professional canoeist and he built a river ranger community.

So I followed his role. And then at the age of 16, I worked as a river guide. So now I'm in charge. I'm like, so leading people comes naturally because your dad is a professional canoeist. I was like, sounds like your dad couldn't hack it in an office environment. I don't know. It was leading. I don't know. I'm not leading this. I'm like, I'm not completing this. I'm like, natural born. I'm like, okay, like how many people are on a canoe? Two, four?

I think a canoe is like actual teamwork. So I think it would be like, my dad's great at teamwork. He's a canoeist, but I don't think, I don't know. He built a, I mean, he did build a river ranger community. I love that I'm like coming for his dad. He did build a river ranger community. It was funny how it was phrased. He's just like, my dad's into leadership. He likes canoes.

Yeah. Leading people comes naturally to me because my dad is a professional canoeist. It's like, I mean, you might like literally lead people down a river, but like, sure. I mean, my dad really likes to go with the flow. He's a canoeist, you know, something, but. Let me tell you something. You know what? Saturday nights in my household, that was just us watching the River Wild over and over again. I can say every single line in that movie.

Every time you think Meryl Streep can make a better choice, she doesn't do it. It's how movies work. So the new guy rolls his suitcase up and he's got a big smile for Sandy. It's like, hi, I'm Jono. Is it Jono or Jojo? Jono?

No, it's Jono. This is the chef. He's like, hi, I'm Jono. So what's his accent? I watched this more than 12 hours ago and so now I forgot everybody's accent already. Oh, by the way, those who are new to below-deck recaps were terrible at accents.

We don't really get much better at them, but we choose a terrible accent at least probably week three or week four. That's usually also when we start learning their names. So if it's frustrating to you, you probably won't get used to it. Bye, thank you for trying us out. There are much better things to be listening to, okay?

The rest of you, welcome bitch, yes. Yes, Queen, yeah, Jono, he's like from the Caribbean and I believe he's definitely giving, like it's not actually, it's not explicitly stated, but I believe he's a member of the gay community, I'm not sure. So there's definitely a, there's definitely kind of like a, it's like flamboyant Caribbean is kind of his accent. Yeah. So he's here and he's like, Hi, I'm John. Oh,

it's like, have a seat there. Oh, wow. Look, I'm just looking at your CV here. I love how you say culinary architect. That is something. And he's like, well well my degree is in architecture. So I build food No, it's not no, okay Ractor cooking my food. Can we not I? I don't need my sake to have an open concept. Okay, I want they had to be cooked properly Can I get somebody who studied gluten? That would be nice. Can I get someone who majored in peanut M&Ms? Love that.

I can food architect. He's like, your salad is level, okay? He's like, you know what I made for dinner tonight? Modern farmhouse. It's not farm to table cuisine. It's literally farmhouse to table cuisine. Get it! I grew up in a family of chefs.

I went to school for architecture, but then I moved back to Antigua and opened an architectural firm. And then my first job fell through, but simultaneously my best friend is a chef and they needed a chef on a boat. So now I'm doing that again. I feel like you're just stumbling into this.

You're skipping some beats here. Literally. You're probably actually skipping some beats in your beat salad, but like they're like you were, you had your first gig fell through for in your architecture firm. So you just turned to shopping. Something's not right here. And he says his whole career is built on fake it till you make it. Another thing I don't want to hear from a chef. I mean, don't you have to know about food poisoning and salmonella?

I mean, listen, I want to support you because you seem like a gay, but I don't know, sir. And then he says this, he says one time he says it's all about fake it till you make it. One time I got in trouble because I didn't put the trash out. Well, I didn't know I was supposed to put the trash out. You didn't know you're supposed to take out the trash? I mean, that's just like a general human thing. The trash is filling up. You take it out.

I don't trust this person. I also, this also makes me really question his architecture skills because I'm just imagining him drafting up like an office building and there's no trash chute So I live in my house Yeah, it's pretty it's farmhouse modern, you know, which is old and tired and it's done and I'm a hypocrite and I think that's why I'm so sick of it. I'm always saying how much I hate it. I live in that but

The people who built my house I'll never trust them because I didn't find this out till I moved in There's no trash can that you pull out to throw trash into. You know how usually there's like the pullout thing or a cabinet under the sink? And you pull it out and you put the trash. It's this big long island, you have to walk to the edge of the island to put it out. So I believe, and I have to get an external trash,

it just looks so trashy, okay? Well, no pun intended. Do you have space under your sink? Can you install one of those things? I'm sure you can just get it at Home Depot. It seems like such a Ronnie a Ronnie thing to do It's like no no, hey Ronnie. How was your weekend? You're like, uh, well I went to Home Depot to get the thing to put the trash can in so it slides out So I started screwing it in and then I noticed it wasn't the end below the cabinet was gross

So when I went back to get some paint, I painted it. But then I forgot the primer. So I went back. I thought it would be like a whole story for you about how you installed the trash thing under your sink. No, because I'm, I feel like that shouldn't be my job. Like I'm, I'm just resentful. And sometimes I just enjoy walking around

with a resentment about it. But I see somebody he's like, what trash? I didn't know that was a thing. And I think, Oh, would you build my fucking house? I'm still furious at you. So I think I'm mad at him because I'm projecting my own anger at not having a trash can under the sink. I have a trash can issue myself, which is that, yeah.

But it's like inverted. It's actually, I have like too much trash can privilege. So I have a drawer that opens up. It's a dedicated drawer that opens up where there's two trash bins and so one's like recycling one's regular, but then moving into our place, I already had a simple human trash can and the simple human trash cans are really nice. So I'm like, they're expensive and they're nice.

So I was like unwilling, I had some sunk cost fallacy. I was like, I'm unwilling to get rid of this trash can. So now I actually have an excess trash can that's, so I have the one that's under the sink and I have one that's next to the island. And it's like, I've got too many trash cans going on. And I'm like, I should get rid of the simple human one, but I cannot, just in my soul,

I cannot throw out the simple human trash can. I don't know what it is. I cannot do it. Put it in another room. But it's like industrially, it doesn't look good in any room. Because it's so industrial and tall. Put a wig on top of it. Hahaha!

Cookely eyes, so when you hit it and it opens up it's like, Haaa! Yeah. Hahaha! Feed me! Haaa! Yeah. That'd be fun in general. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappence commercial.

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on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Blame It On The Fame early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Okay, so now we get slow motion of some blonde in like a string cocktail dress. It's like a very like, it's like some hottie comes up looking like she's about to go clubbing and the captain's like, oh my gosh, welcome back.

And I'm like, who is this person? And me too. I was like, welcome back. And the lady starts jumping up and squealing. And she goes, yeah, you know, we didn't have a whole lot of time together. And she's like, oh, the last time I worked for captain Sandy was on Moldy Yacht Home. I was like, who are you? Who is this person?

I was like, who is this? I was like, who is this like Eastern block workers twin who's just arrived? And so then we see a flashback and she's like, she just has like a Playboy bunny outfit. I was like, Oh, this girl, she was on for like one second towards the end of her season. Uh, this was the season that was like, Hi, angry Dave, you know, with the Natasha and Natalia. And I don't even know who she replaced, who she, she didn't replace the Natalia or Kyle. Where did she, why was she on this? Why was she on? I don't remember. I don't remember. But I did remember her once she got going a little bit because of the costume thing, like that's her thing.

Is that she carries around a costume. Did Kyle get sick at the end of that season and had to like, he couldn't finish out the season. Kyle is like literally sick every season, so yeah, probably. He's that one, he's that person at work. Who's just always got something Yeah So, yeah, this is someone that we've encountered before is Kyle from below deck med

Yeah, so wait Kyle's not back? Oh my God. I just feel like the Lord gave me something. Do you ever feel like that? It's like you feel like you found a home for your simple human trash can. I feel given to. Thank you Lord.

Thank you for this bounty. Wow, this feels great. Okay, so, but I love that they're like, okay, we got rid of one disaster gay. Bring, this feels great. Okay, so, but I love that they're like, okay, we got rid of one disaster gay, bring on another disaster gay. We only will have disastrous gays on this show. Which by the way, spoiler alert,

because Jono does not seem like a disaster until the last two seconds of this episode. And I'm like, oh no, oh no, Jono, I had hope in you. Cause at this part in the recap, I should have total faith in Jono, which I did in in you. Cause at this part in the recap, I should have total faith in Jono, which I did in this episode. But, oof. Yeah.

Despite him being an architect. Yeah. So, we have Ellie. Ellie is back and she kept on like, oh, you're awesome. She's like, yes, I am maximum effort kind of person. I'm gonna have the most fun. And she says, motor yacht home excited me. I built going to have the most fun. And she says motor yacht home excited

me. I built my experience and other yachts in housekeeping and I'm aspiring to be chief stool because I enjoy leadership. But for now I need to make sure I do my job right. And I have to say Ronnie, I was like, I don't, I was surprised that they brought this person back because she's only on for like one second. I mean, she's tall and beautiful. I know that they care about that. But then by the end of the episode The way she was negotiating with a chef I am so excited for a full season of this lady's reign of terror because it'll be hilarious She turned out to be fucking amazing and that really goes to show you they go through a huge casting thing on this show like they put a lot of effort into it because

On the other below deck which right now I know this isn't coming out till later, but right now we're nearing the end of the regular Below Deck season and recap time, and they've just brought Paris on. Paris has only been there a couple of weeks. And Paris is fucking amazing too. And that was a B string that they had waiting in the wings while they had some other losers.

And the first people weren't great, but man, they've got really good they had waiting in the wings while they had some other losers. And the first people weren't great, but man, they've got really good people just waiting in the wings. Cause Ellie definitely deserves the second chance. She is gold. This woman is fucking crazy pants gold. I'm so excited about her. Okay, so the captain's like, I'm so happy you're here.

Hope I'm not gonna regret saying that. I have a feeling I will. And it's like, oh my God, yeah. But I have to remind you, she's like in this vavuum cocktail dress and Captain Sandy is just like, wow, who is casting this show? And how do I send them a thank you card?

Cause what about a show? So she's like, my name is Elina, but let me call me Lisa now. So she meets Aisha and Aisha goes, oh, hello, that dress is very sexy. She's just, oh my God, was my boobie out this whole time? Oh my God. Yes, well, sometimes it's hard to keep your teeth in.

You know, let's get you out of that. She tells us, let's get you out of that night head into a uniform, like as quickly as possible. Because like Ellie is just in the room just like looking at her like her outfit. She's like, Oh, look, it's pretty boobies are out and stuff. She's like, yes, you're on the clock now though, I'm afraid. All right. So John is cleaning and then we get a new deckhand, Nathan. But first let's meet Joe.

He's from Liverpool. He meets Aisha and Alina. And Aisha's like, Oh, Liverpool. I've got experience in Liverpool. Liverpool. Liverpool. Liverpool. Liverpool. And so we see a flashback to Jack. I mean, they've gone back to Jack so many times with flashbacks over the years between Katie and just, they just always go back to him. I'm surprised they never got him on for a second season as Jack being like Asia, the geisha, we flash. Yeah. Not Asia talking to him. Oh,

that makes more sense. Rana mani totally insane-y. Dana Delaney, Rianomaniacs. So next up is Nathan. And so she's like, Nathan, are you from Liverpool as well? And he's like, no, I'm Irish. She goes, Irish! Irish!

Irish! I'm so lucky I'm hiring busy. So then- She acts like she's winning the lottery with every new person she meets. I'm so lucky I'm hiring busy. Getting every single kind of English accent. My mom and he does an American. So now we have another blonde. Now we like a full-on bombshell Gail

so she comes on and gales most really yeah and All the guys pretty much just have like erections like you've thought this is a Viking ship because you just see a bunch of like Or is coming off the sides of this boat with all these dicks They are so I mean because she's like drop dead gorgeous given the fact that you are I mean Asia and Ellie already like super hot and then you have this I mean this she's like drop-dead gorgeous given the fact that you are I mean Asia and Ellie already like super hot And then you have this I mean this woman she comes on she is like a model and So they're like, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my It's pretty do you see great

So then it's just like are you still a dick and she like, Dick, I'm gonna put you in with me. You're so pretty. I can't take it. You're basically Ireland. You're gorgeous. She's like, oh my God, stop it. What the heck? What the heck?

I've never heard that before in my life. So, and then we have another girl named Brie. She's like, hey, I'm Sabrina, but you can call me Bree. She's like, oh, hi. Kinda did your dirty heavy walk right in, right after Gail, didn't they? John was like, oh, Bree, like the cheese. She's like, thank you, I already had to walk in behind that

and now you're calling me cheese. Is this what I mean? So then Ian meets Nathan and he goes, he's like, oh, hi. And he goes, wow, I'm whoever. You've got such nice eyes. I mean, it's like, thanks. We've got a lot to do. I feel like it was Joe who said that.

I don't remember. Damn it, Below Deck is so hard to start. I honestly don't remember who's Joe and who's Nathan. One of them has a haircut like a monk. Joe's the one from Ireland, no wait, we just said it. Nathan's the blonder one, and Joe's the one, he likes it in his bum, that he says later. I don't know, we'll get there.

There's one guy who has a haircut, he literally looks like a monk. It's like that bowl cut, but he's balding just enough in the middle that it looks sort of like a ring. And he has a little beard. And I think I think that's the Irish guy. And I think then there's the guy, the guy from Liverpool. We later find out was born in Liverpool, but actually was raised in Spain. And then he had to go back to Liverpool and was like really upset about it. I think that's I don't know their names. That's Joe Okay, great. And then Nathan's a blonde one. He's a little blonde kid. Okay, got it. Great. Great Okay, so Gail is a dick hand and she's like hello. I'm deep open on four years, but I'll give you one fee money

And he's like, well, I've been on a yacht for five years. Oh god. That's a big bug That is a big bug coming from that. That that bug was so big, I almost felt like that bug was in its own canoe, just like my father. But but really knows leadership. So now we now have a stupid. We have a stupid egg. We have a stupid egg. And she's like, okay, so I'm one of those leaders that always wants to be kind and always

wants to be fair. So one of you will be on earlys and one of you will be on lates. So tell me who has experience. Please tell me you have some experience. Oh no, I can already tell. None of you guys know what you're doing. I have service. I want more experience in service.

I did the cocktail training. And when the guests are here, I want to show them that I learned from cocktail training. I'm like, oh no, Ellie, no. We've learned what cocktail training means. They don't teach anybody. Although we did just hear this from Barbie and she seems to be doing pretty good on her cocktails, right? Maybe the cocktail training is good.

Everybody always met in restaurants. You just got out of cocktail training is good. I just always everybody always met in restaurants who just got out of cocktail training was a disaster. Well, the last person we saw with cocktail training on below deck was Laura from below deck down under I was like, I've done the cocktail training in my restaurant and Laura no good. Okay, so that's why that's why I'm trauma to that I saw that but we also had Natasha, former chiefs to her. Hi, so that's why I'm trauma to that. I still have that trauma. But we also had Natasha, former chief steward. Hi Dave, I think I'm gonna give the guests

a blue-barreled nipple, which is with curacao and creme de menthe and some scotch. Oh right, that was her all this time to pair. I love making cocktails. I've taken a cocktail class, Dave, which is why I've made a green monkey Dave. It's crammed in myth, toothpaste and frog balls. And I'm going to serve it when they get back from the boat expedition.

Dave, Dave, are you mad? Are you mad Dave? Dave, are you feeling drunk from drinking my cocktails? Oh, I didn't actually drink your cocktails. You did, Dave, you did. I don't think I did. You did, Dave, you did. Stop lying to yourself.

Dave, stop lying to you, Dave. So then there's a deck crew meeting and Ian decides to make Joe to lead that hand because he's got the most experience and you wear sunglasses right above your eyes and that's also fun because Joe's like, hey, that's that thing where he wears them like right here. I hate that. Yeah. I can't concentrate when people are doing that.

Because you don't want to push them too far up your head because you might stretch them or something. I think that's what it means. It means your sunglasses are a little too tight and you don't want to snap them too far up your head. Cause you might stretch them or something. I think that's what it means. It means your sunglasses are a little too tight and you don't want to snap them, have them snap in half. Oh. I think that's why that's my reason. So that's like protecting your third eye. So, let's see.

So Joe's like, oh my God, I've never been given the lead position before. And they're like, well, you sound like you've got leadership. And basically, you know what that said to me? I'm ready. Ho ho ho ho ho. I'm ready, Joel.

I'm ready, Joel. Since, like, you've got, you can't spell canoe without you, sort of, even though the letter's not in it, nor the word. But what I'm trying to say is, you're like my daddy. Take this oar and go paddle down that river of leadership. Because you can. Can you? Can you? You can. Because I'm gonna bring that fly back in here. I need a little bit of help with the motivational speaking.

You can or my father's favorite word to can, because sometimes it's easier to lead in a boat that requires two people. My father's favorite canoeist is actually a toucan. It's great. Toucan Sam's his name. I bet you didn't realize it's based off a real figure. You try being partners with somebody with no possible thumbs on a canoe and then tell me that that man's not a leader. The best part about a toucan is that its beak looks like half of a canoe. Turned upside down naturally.

So clean, clean, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Elina or Ellie and Bri are my colleague or Elina for a long time because that's her full name and I have respect about Ellie and Bri are making beds. So she's like, everyone on the crew is so good looking. I'm like a Jesus Christ, man. I'm so horny for these people. And Bri is like, yeah, it's like, love it first sight. Bri is kind of giving some, her vibe is a little bit like an Anvil on Arrested Development, you know, you're like, oh, and Brie, you know? So, cause everyone there is like super tall and super lucky

and poor Brie is like shorter and she's just like more normal looking. And you just know, she's like, oh great. I don't even know how to do this job and everyone around me is a super model. So glad I'm here, so glad. So Joe, the Irish guy is cleaning with Nathan, the blonde guy and he's like, ah, so I've got to tell you my nightly routine

Before I go to bed. I love finger blast in me bum hole Right just a quick one before I go to sleep and Nathan's like yeah might join you with that one. Sounds good to me What the hell? I'm excited. And also I was like this is so hot This is also the perfect cast for Asia. Oh, you can stick your finger up your bum. I love doing that. Is that how you discovered where PoPo comes from? Who needs a bidet, am I right?

When you got an index finger. So Joe's like, yeah, just a little. And Nathan goes, as soon as I hear that pulp, I mean. So Gail hears this and she's like, I feel a real bromance for me. Yeah, look, I wouldn't be knocking on your cabinet. No, that's for sure. As soon as I hear that pop, wow. It's just so visceral. It really is. It's just like it's,'s just like, it's a lot.

I love the place that straight guys have gone to. I just love it. Thanks for the question. I wanna clarify something because I've now gone on to the website and Joe, oh, his name is Joe Bradley? That's weird. There's an alternate Joe Bradley on Bravo.

Oh wow, it's like, you know the first thing I like to do before I go to bed pop one of my bum hole So you're that pop, you know, like Nanny's parm is not it's not far away Joe Bradley is the one from Liverpool and Nathan Gallagher is the one from Ireland and Nathan Gallagher is the one from Ireland. Oh. Joe Bradley is the one with eyebrows. Joe Bradley, I'm sorry, Joe Bradley is the one.

Joe Bradley is the darker haired one. He's from Liverpool. And then Nathan, the blonde one, is the one from Ireland. Yes. Okay. And I just remember this only because Joe told the story about it going from Liverpool to Spain and then going back to Liverpool. Okay, thank you. So that's, that's, that is the, that's everything everyone needs to know.

But here's the question, where's Gail from? So she's like, I did start as a stewardess, but was more drawn to the deck department. I'll give guys a run for their money. I had an older brother and always the brother he did have. And my mom put me in dancing but I wanted to play football. It was very hard on my mother. She came from Indonesia and her culture women had to be soft and pretty and brush their hair. Well, fuck that mommy. Look at me. Regular on the footy team. But my dad came from Scotland and he said your brother's gonna carry full bricks and you're gonna carry full bricks don't act like you can't handle it. Fortunately I didn't my father wasn't there a lot in my childhood I only got to see him

every 12 years on account of him living in Brigadine. So I don't really hold it against him. It's just that when you live in a fantasy town that only appears every 12 years it's just the way life is. So I carried four bricks until I broke me back. And I couldn't really do much of anything. Mom did comb my hair a lot. The story is getting depressing, isn't it? So we cut to Ellie and Bree cleaning and Ellie's like, I dated Captain One Cruise Ship and everyone treated me like Queen of the freaking Bot.

I was like, this is the lifestyle for me. How about you? Are you single? Any costumes in your bag? Bri's like, um, I'm single but a girl has needs. Specifically I need a stepladder just to talk to you eye to eye. You guys are all really tall. Payton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated.

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So then the deckies are talking about whether they're seeing this below deck. This is what matters. Who's fucking on this boat, right? So Ian's like, are we all single? And Gail's like, I'm on no on taking and I know, damn it. You're so hot. Please. Well, he's a second engineer. Joe's like, fucking bastard. So then Aisha calls, so now Aisha's, here comes the storyline we didn't realize we were gonna be having all season, all episode with the complete shit show

that is the provisioner in Greece. So she calls up, she's like, hey, this is Aisha from Mystique and I was wondering where our provisions are. And the guy's like, oh, this is Asia from Mystique. I was wondering where our proficients are. And the guy's like, Oh, I'm sorry. We ran into some, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, dot, dot, dot, um, um, or, um, um, um, trouble. The chefs should arrive later today. Um, the stuff should arrive later today and, uh, your order should arrive shortly after.

So he basically is like, yeah, uh, later on, later on today. She's like, wait a minute, what is that accent? I don't recognize that Um, I'm not really sure what you're talking about. I'm a Greek guy. Hey me Greek guy Well cannot seem to find your groceries any madam madame senor Certainly not it's just Norma, you know, it's just Norma fucking with these people. You know, Sandy thinks she can be a smart ass to me. Let's see what it's like when I give her the wrong phone number for provisions and don't get her pepperoni. I am Greek.

So then, so Captain Sandy calls Asha to the cabin and she's like, hey Asha, hey, you wanna see something amazing? Okay, this is gonna kind of blow your mind, okay? Get in real close, okay? Now be quiet. Now listen, you wanna see something amazing? Okay, this is gonna kinda blow your mind, okay? Get in real close, okay? Now be quiet. Now listen, you hear that sound? Bloop, bloop, bloop.

You know what that's the sound of? Pirates coming from Somalia. Be on the lookout, just kidding, just kidding. That was my experience, not yours. Have I ever told you about the Somali pirates I outran? Okay, anyway, there's a leak. There's a leak, yeah, right here. Hopefully I can get it repaired

because the last time we ran with four, but we can't this time because we don't even have anywhere to put her. Okay, so we gotta get this leak fixed. So then back to Bree and Ellie. And Bree's like, I'm really glad you got the second stoop position. I'm so happy for you.

She goes, thank you. So then we find Bree's story. Bree is like, my parents are real supportive, maybe too much. I never wanna grow up. I just wanna stay a kid forever because the thought of taxes scares the crap out of me. Her parents are like, yeah,

the taxes scare the crap out of us too and we need you to stop being our dependent. So make some cash on your boat, bye. So now preference sheet meeting is Jono, Ian, and Aisha. Yeah. All right, everyone. First charter, the primaries name is Jacob Ward. He's a social influencer and a Gen Zer. He is a professional member of his generation, everyone.

Just want to say that he is a Gen Zer. So we see a picture of him and he's like, oh, I like this. This guy, he is apparently internet famous and he has, I think one thing that I learned is that he is famous for also having a super hot dad. And- I wanna look him up.

What's his name? Look him up. Jordan. Jacob Ward. Jacob Ward. Just look up Jacob Ward and dad. Okay, and I think he'll be's Jacob Ward. Jacob Ward, just like up Jacob Ward and dad. Okay, and I think it'll be Jacob Ward. Oh, I need to put influencer

because the other one's like a science something or other. I'm assuming that's not who we're talking about. Okay, 303,000 followers. Does that sound familiar? Let me take a look at them here. Jacob, oh God, yep. Shirtless showing off his wiener sitting open legged in some gym shorts. Public figure. I'll be the judge of that, sir. I

sometimes ride bikes. That's his. That's his bio. I sometimes ride bikes. Currently appearing on Apple TV and HBO. Founder of Better by Jacob and All Gains No, and All Gains No Game. All Gains No Game, I can't, okay. Better by Jacob. He also looks vaguely like a, Jacob looks vaguely like a more beefcake version of James Kennedy's brother, Harry.

It's like if Harry actually got his shit together, he would be Jacob. So wait, this guy's on Below Deck? He looks different here. This is the guy on below deck. This is the guy who was on below deck. Oh, his dad's hot. Mommy, his dad is hot.

I mean, that was, it's not an age old question. Hot or worked out? But I think both. The dad I think is actually legitimately hot. Like there's some photos where you're like, wow, I cannot believe that's his dad. Isn't it weird?

I can't imagine what it must be like to have like a hot dad. What is that? What is that like? I feel like it's weird. I don't know. Like I don't want to call my dad not hot, but at the same time, what kind of conversation is this? Like, do I want to call my dad hot?

Like, I don't know. I feel like I'm being baited. We'll just stop this conversation. We'll just back out slowly. We're gonna back out slowly. A hot dad. Here's what I've got a loving dad. I'll tell you that much. Okay, what a loving guy. Okay, let's stop thinking about whether or not our dads are hot. Hey, let's get back to this preference sheet meeting because you know what I

prefer to talk about not hat dads, I want to talk about a professional Gen Z or his name is Jay Ward. It's about my dad. He's not trying to give anyone boners on the Instagram. And for that I'm thankful. Thank you, dad. Jacob Ward. Uh, we are still trying to find out if he is any relation to

SILA ward because, uh, we would welcome him. That would be nice to know too. Or Montgomery. Are Jacob Montgomery and S Sela all related? Question that I've been thinking about all night ever since that league happened and kept me up and with the deal drop, drop, drop, drop, drop. Or World Three.

So then it's just like, what kind of photo is that? He looks like he's trying to be a Roman statue, am I right? Well, he's also bringing his friends. They're from London, Alfie, Amelia, aren't those English names? Hey, what's wrong with you Alfie? Hey, what's going on Alfie? I think he died of alcoholism.

Unfortunately, Gemma and Poppy were not available. It was. Well, I was gonna say Nathan, but we already have a Nathan on the boat, so that kind of ruins that thing. But you know what? They're also friends with influencers that don't sound like English people.

Their names are Nick and Anthony. Those sound like some American dummies to me. How about you guys? Yeah, we're gonna have to take some videos with them the whole time. Oh, we're gonna take a lot of pictures. Yeah. You know, I heard some hot gossip

from the set of sisters that Sheila Ward would not put her camera away. I think it runs in the family. I mean, Montgomery had a whole catalog. Am I right? And Fred Ward, bless his heart, RIP. Wow, huge social influencer in his time. These kids are just taking pictures and can afford to charter a super yacht.

Meanwhile, I'm living in a van with my boyfriend shitting in a bucket passing the time. Hey Scott, what do you want to do right now? I don't know, while I'm shitting in a bucket. Sure. Just passing the time. Your first season shitting in a bucket is cute. You're on your like fourth season as Chief Stew, right?

Third, fourth, fifth, tenth. You need to stop shitting in a, but now it's not even a money thing. Okay. Get a toilet. They say, I believe in you. Yeah, we can make this work. So, um, they want, they want Greek food. They all love Greek food and they want to do a disco theme party and captain's hand is like, yeah, you know what? Hey, this is the first charter. We're just going to find our legs. Um, if you don't what? Hey, this is the first charter. We're just gonna find our legs. If you don't find your legs, I will hold that against you for sure.

Don't you worry. I'll give you some, I'll pull you up into the, into the wheelhouse and say, you're the head of the snake and the rot begins with you. I'm gonna chop off your head. Hey, go get him, champ, go get him. So yeah, it'll be fun. Yeah, you're gonna have to keep your head above the water.

And then Asia swims and like, looks like she's trying to breathe. She's like, yeah, I like that. And she goes, oh, movie. No. Book. No. Famous person.

No, it's my head above the water. The River Wild. The River Wild, great movie. Every time I watch it, I just want Meryl Streep to make better choices. I did think it was weird when she had sex with that man off in the woods. Oh, I think you're confusing it with deliverance a little bit. Oh, I may be that that may be something that happened.

I'll tell you what's going to happen in the later in the episode. We're going to be praying for some deliverance. That's for sure. Let's get to provisions, Uh, not coming. Okay. So some provisions are here, but hardly any. So then we cut to Nathan, the Irish guy. He's like, normally on boats, no one can understand me because I'm from a tiny village in Ireland with like 600 people. At least everyone in the town can fucking understand each other. That's an Irish phrase. It means I like putting fingers up my ass in the middle of the night. Bop!

So then Gale's walking in and he's talking to Gale and she's like, do you reckon we'll get in trouble if we go- Oh, you're in trouble already? I can tell. You're trouble, girl, you're trouble. I actually didn't understand what they were talking about here when she goes, it's just a strawberry. Because she's saying they're packing the, they're doing provisions in the fridge and she takes one of the strawberries

and she's saying, do you think we'll get in trouble? And he's like, oh, you're already trouble. She goes, but it's just a strawberry. He goes, you can steal me a strawberry. She's like, well, maybe at some point I'll steal you a strawberry. He's like, well, maybe at some point I'll steal you a strawberry. It's like, I'll hold you to it. I was like, oh, God, this wholesome strawberry flirtation. Just love it.

Little did they realize how desperately this, this charter would probably need that strawberry because they have no food. So, um, then Joe goes up to a piano and he's like, he like plays his piano. He he's like that's what in Liverpool that's what we call piano so then Ellie is like he has such big eyebrows do you see the big eyebrows on him Bree do you see Bree where are you I'm down here oh Bree look at his eyebrows look at that giant eyebrows are they're so big they're causing shade and I'm literally freezing to death.

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