Watch What Crappens - #245: Boat Fights and Cocky Busboys; Also, Yolanda and David Foster Split

Episode Date: December 2, 2015

Ben and Ronnie have reunited after a Thanksgiving week apart! Here's the episode rundown! 00:00 Intro 15:00 Atlanta Recap 33:50 Mike & Jessica (Shahs of Sunset) divorce 38:25 Back to the ATL recap 55:03 Yolanda & David Foster divorce news! 1:30:07 Vanderpump Rules recap Hope you enjoy! Remember to support us at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Like us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all the crap on Bravo. We all just love to watch and joke about and talk about and listen to other people talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. I am officially about 50 pounds heavier because I spent 12 days eating my way through Thanksgiving. And even though Thanksgiving is just one day, I stretched out into 12 days.

Anyway, joining me as always is the wonderful and great and hilarious and super comfortable in his couch desk, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hi, Ronnie. Hello, everybody. Hello. Ben, I'm so happy to have you home, honey. Oh, it's so nice to be back. And you were so great over Thanksgiving.

It was, you know, we were just going were just gonna do we were gonna pre-record two episodes and just post them up there and you really rose to it wasn't i don't know if you say rose to challenge but you you you were you served the podcast well you put out so much content on your own overcompensating when I'm with that muppin. Also, those were all supposed to be 30 minute conversations with people that I just like. I thought, oh, this will

be fun. I'll get to talk to people I love to talk to for half an hour and put it in an episode. And then of course, they were each two to three hours long. So it just worked out that way. Who knew? Well, it was really great.

And I'm very thankful for you for doing so much work and taking that on your shoulders. Oh, no. It's nothing on my shoulders. It's so much fun. It's just pressing record, talking to friends, ain't anything to the day being. That's true. That's true. But I will tell you, I really, really, everybody I talk to, obviously, is amazing.

If you haven't heard any of those episodes, go listen. Kate and Nadine Rajabi's episode was so awesome to listen to because it was behind the scenes stuff. Like, they talk a lot of crap, and it's really cool to listen to. Anyway, all of them were good. Katie Cazorla, Julia Cunningham, Angie Thomas. All those girls were so much fun. And there's no work doing. You just sit around talking crap with your friends.

It is, yeah. You did a great job. Oh, yeah. I was going to say, I forgot what I was going to say, Ben. I'm sorry to interrupt you to say what I forgot I was going to say earlier. Say it. I really appreciate you even more on Thanksgiving because, man, you just make it so easy.

And if we do crazy voices, we'll do them together for half an hour, you know? People aren't like, what are you doing? Why are you talking like that? Poor Julia Cunningham didn't even, we had only met in a hallway, you know? She didn't really know what she was getting into. And then I would just start going crazy, like doing, Sheena! Or whatever her voice is.

And she was such a good sport. And I thought, God, that poor girl is probably horrified. Which is how it should be after a first date with me. That's how the real ones end up, too. Julia Cunningham. We can be deranged together and deranged with our listeners. It's really cool that people are on board for our craziness. Especially with you know now that we have real houses of cheshire um you know i think we have never been crazier than than we have been doing our cheshire shows i mean we are

like we have gone over the deep end when we do those so if you are listening if you're not even watching the cheshire show that you know real house was a cheshire and if you are listening, if you're not even watching the Cheshire, you know, Real Housewives of Cheshire, and if you like us doing our voices, that's kind of like, that's like pure, undiluted, strange voices and sounds. If you need complete nonsense that you're not going to understand, probably 30 minutes out of an hour. Well, you know who seems to like it is Lauren's husband. He's been posting on Facebook. Did you see that? Yes. And that's hilarious. But also, you have to remember, Bean and everybody else,

we actually have not watched this show. I mean, we've watched it, obviously, the two that we've recapped because they just started showing it on Bravo on Saturday mornings. But it's in Season 2 now, and I think they just made their Season 2 finale. So a lot of people already know all the stuff that's going to happen. Not like it's like The Sopranos where you have to, you know, like certain plot points or whatever. But apparently someone commented that the husbands really get involved in this show. So this is like, I guess the husbands become the bitches.

Oh, that's exciting. As they'd say on Atlanta. Oh, that's exciting. You can come to Facebook.com forward slash WatchWhatCrapHands. We also have WatchWhatCrapHands.com, which Ronnie has been tirelessly tinkering away at. And that has links to all our social media and stuff like that, which is super cool. And then Patreon. You can support us on Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash WatchWhatCrapHands. There's all different levels you can contribute at. We have bonus episode we do bonus bonus episode every week this week we talked about thanksgiving we

talked about vicky's new fragrance and we we had some fun with that and we also went into the um the crappins mailbag because if you remember we were originally going to do a Krappens Mailbag Thanksgiving episode. But we actually did a giant bonus episode portion with that. So we have about half an hour of that, which is really fun. We had a lot of fun with that. And also, we have to really thank the listeners who are spreading the word about our podcast. Our numbers keep going up last month we had about 170 000 plays uh of our podcast and this and november what i should say in october we did because now it's december and in november we had over 200,000 plays. Oh.

Yeah, I looked at the stats. And that is crazy. You know, we hit number three at one point during the month. It was really amazing for us. So thank you so much for supporting us and getting the word out. Yeah, hell yeah. Thank you, guys. Awesome.

Super, hell yeah. Thank you guys. Awesome. Super, super cool. It's crazy to think that all these weird voices we were just talking about, that it's going out to 200,000 years or at least 200,000 times. The most amazing thing to me and really Thanksgiving is one of those days where I force myself to just sit here and be thankful even if I don't want to. And this year I actually did want to and it came very natural to me but just to think that i've tried so many things over the course of my life that just never work and people are like you're stupid and then this one we don't even try we just like sit here on the phone and just talk about crap on tv i mean what the hell who knew i don't know if that'll ever happen again, but I love it. That's right. It just goes to show people like friendship. Oh, Ben.

I love you, Ben. See that little weird noise? That's our Andrea voice that just went out to 200,000 people. No. Not really. Well, let's get like Andrea and cancel that segment and move on to the rest. Oh, wait. I wanted to say one more thing about the Patreon. Everybody on Patreon, the ringers for last month are there.

So don't forget to go get your ringers. And also, this month is a little special because it's the month of Christmas. And just talking to Kate Chastain so much, really like her. We're kind of spirit maids. She's my spirit maid. And she loves to text in gifs like she'll text reaction gifs she has an entire library full so to thank her for talking to us for what four hours and something this month i made her a collection of reaction gifs that she can use in her texts

and i've started using them too because Kate's reactions are hilarious. They're mostly from the Below Deck reunion. They're just her making faces like, shut the fuck up, Taraki. They're mostly that. So if you guys want to make a bunch of Kate faces in your gifts, they're right now on the

Crap-Ins premium download feed. And they'll be there the entire month of December. And there will be a link posted on Patreon to get those. So come come get your gifts if you don't use that in text or whatever who cares they're still going to be ringers everything else will still be there this month but just so you know if you want some below deck gifts there's some really good ones there there's even one of amy going well i loved your salad to rocky Rocky in the reunion. Chickamap. You know, by the way, the night that Rocky made the grenadine oysters, the guy who threw up, he posted on Facebook, I think it was this week, saying that the meal was awful.

It was inedible. And they were just too polite to say anything to the crew. Well, that was everybody this year. All of the guests, no matter what happened, they were like, this is delicious. Except the one guy who was like, you didn't pair the franzia properly. Can I have a chicken quesadilla now? Yeah. They were all told, be nice to the chef because we don't want to mess up his eyebrows.

And also ask for a quesadilla light just to make a man you know um one thing that i love about kate is that she always has like a lovely little sweater in the morning and it makes me wonder if she has an ugly christmas sweater because you know what i think everyone needs an ugly christmas sweater this time of year and and you know what else if you want bragging rights for the most talked about sweater at your Christmas party, y'all better listen up. Did you see those guys on Shark Tank a couple of weeks ago with their latest update?

Everyone is talking about tipsy elves and wants their outrageous Christmas sweaters. Talk about your tipsy elves sweater. I just did. I just did the total Steve Carell review. You're like, hey, guys, talk about your tipsy elf sweater. They're like, wait, we don't have one. The products you saw on the website.

Okay, I'm supposed to talk about my tipsy elf sweater, but they sent my tipsy elf sweater to Ronnie. Yeah, let me tell you about Ben's tipsy elf sweater. I have it. Yeah. Also, Ben and I are like weird brothers. When it comes time to pick products. We always pick the same one. But also, in this case,

it was probably one that we can wear to joke parties and also serious because it's pretty cute. But yeah, Tipsy L's has a bunch of hilarious Christmas sweaters. I really love the Jesus. Oh, yeah, and Hanukkah. And onesies if you need a onesie, which I do. I would love a onesie, Ben. Will you get me a onesie for Christmas?

I sure will. I'll get you one that looks like a unicorn, like Caroline Sandberg. Yeah, my sweater is ninja gingerbreads. Ginger, wait. Ninja breads. Ninja breads, I think you call it. But it's so cute, and i never have anything cute to wear for christmas so thanks tipsy ales yeah i i like that uh that one too uh because they have a lot of ones

that are like um people like giving blow jobs and farting and stuff like that and i was like i'm not gonna wear that or the reindeer the reindeer's boning the reindeer boning yeah but the one with the ninja but they have they have some funny ones that are not like that too which is what i liked because i am a gentleman and my gingerbread my gingerbread men shall only be doing martial arts and not fellatio there's it's like a spencer guess there's the adult section and there's there's also the tasteful adult yeah it's like if you were like if you were 22 then like the the reindeer's humping, then it's perfect for you. It's perfect. But when you're like 37, you know, I'm more apt.

I shouldn't say I'm 37. I still have like five days left. But I'm more into the martial arts because you know what? I like art. I like the arts. When you're past 40 you're just thankful to have a sweater actually they also have i can't even see what's on this sweater but i'm cold they they also have one um for uh they have one that's like a um it emulates the one

from the christmas story that the kid wore ralphie. But it was sold out when we got to get to our switcher. Those bastards! They're probably ready again because it's almost time to order. Trust us when we tell you that Tipsy L's Christmas sweaters are like nothing you've seen before. Literally. They're not for the faint of heart. Nobody's worn these ugly sweaters before you, so you don't have to worry about finding your size. And you have a ton of styles to choose from.

While you're shopping for your ugly sweater, check out the other holiday and collegiate attire for yourself or as a gift, like adult onesies. Which I've heard a lot. Love me a onesie. Right now, our listeners get 20% off tipsyelves.com on anything they order on the site. Yeah, go do it now so you have the best selection to choose from

and you have it in time for your ugly Christmas sweater party. Go to tipsyelves.com. Enter our code SIDESHOW at checkout to get your 20% site-wide discount. That's tipsyelves.com and our code SIDESHOW. Yay. Guess what? That was our last ad of the day. That's amazing. Okay, so let's move on to these shows.

There's a lot of brav-y bravs. Brav-y brav-brav. And we have so much coming up this week with the Bravo. It gave me a headache, and I was like, what are we going to do? I'm going to cry. And then I realized, it's all amazing. It's all amazing. So Thursday's show is going to be a little bananas because we have Return of Beverly Hills.

We have Return of Top Chef. We have Cha-Cha. And we also have Below Deck reunion. So we are a little – we got a big Thursday. And if we had been – I didn't realize that Below Deck had another reunion episode. So otherwise I would have said Cha-cha today, but I didn't. Cha-cha. Cha-cha.

Today is going to be Atlanta and Vanderpump Rules. And honestly, is there anything else you really need in an episode? I don't think so. Maybe a warm sweater. Pretty great. Yeah. You want to start with Atlanners? Yes, please.

Let's do it. So we opened You Missed Last Week, which I think the best thing to talk about last week. I saw last week's episode. I'm totally caught up on Atlanta. Okay, yeah. I was just going to say we didn't get to talk about Peter Sprout and getting fake dumped by Cynthia, which I'm so sure is really happening. Get out of here. She's taking that shit directly from Nene

in the season that she started. Like, can you even steal something from maybe a different franchise? Or maybe at least a housewife that you weren't obviously stealing from anyway in season one? Stupid Cynthia. Stupid Cynthia.

You're going to pretend to divorce your husband now? And then let me guess, are you going to pretend to have another fake re-wedding to him too? Get out of here, Cynthia. You're going to pretend to divorce your husband now? And then let me guess. Are you going to pretend to have another fake re-wedding to him too? Get out of here, Cynthia. You're no nanny, okay? The only original thing she ever did was have fibroids. Even that wasn't original because Candy had them first. Guess who doesn't get a spinoff?

Ethel, okay? I thought you were going to say fibroids. There's no Barney Rubble coming down the pike. Get out of here, okay? No spinoffs for down the pike. Get out of here. Okay, no spinoffs for you, Cynthia. Get your own stories. Yeah, that's right. We saw that Mary Tyler Moore spinoff, the serious one with Ed Asner.

It didn't work. And the reason I bring that up, you know what? And Laverne didn't work either, and she was the first name. So that goes for you too, NeNe. And Joey didn't work either. Muted the Tortellis, okay? You know what? This is a huge lesson for NeNe and And Joey didn't work either. Nuded the Tortellis, okay? You know what? This is a huge lesson for NeNe and Cynthia. Keep your jobs.

Well, I'm glad NeNe's gone. I'm glad NeNe's gone. Yeah, I am too. But I'm only bringing up that that's a big-ass fake stolen storyline from NeNe because this entire episode is full of fake stolen storylines from the show. And I still love this show.

But come on, guys. It's like paint by numbers here. Okay, so that's the first. And then also in the opening, I noticed when Dr. Jackie was on last week, she was talking about how Candy was spotting, and she was wearing a polka-dotted shirt. Okay, that's what I have to say. Now I'll do whatever you want. Oh, it's so literal.

Too bad she wasn't wearing a ninja gingerbread sweater i just thought it was really deep last night i was like wow spots they're talking about spotting people need to know this so um the episode began with kenya walking down the street to chateau charrette she and she's like yeah i saw charrette at front so i thought i'd come on and say hi and they show this like footage of charrette sweeping the front stoop as if anyone's even living there as if the stoop is even ready there's not even a staircase to the stoop okay even know how to sweep when i was a kid my parents sent me to drama camp and i was in that play the pajama game oh yeah we did that in my high school you did yeah and uh

you know it's just a tiny little part i was I was in the chorus, but it takes place in a factory. And at one part, all I had to do was sweep. And I didn't know how to sweep. I was like a privileged little fuck, you know. And my family still makes fun of me. They're like, remember when you did that play when you were like 12 and you had to pretend to sweep and you didn't know how? And no one bothered to teach me either. Were you like, did you have like the broom part up by your head and a pole down on the ground you're like huh this seems awfully inefficient i think i

was just sweeping it back and forth so if i was sweeping it that way then i was just sweeping it the other way and there was imaginary dirt just flying everywhere that's what charie was doing because there was like a pig pen cloud around her you know and she was and the best part is kenya shows up you know what would be tricky too by the way because kenya showed up from walking downhill which we all know is a lie because she lives in the gutters she lives in a ditch you know that kenya went around the block up the hill and then walked down so that she could be seen coming down a hill this way these are the two fakest bitches on the show and i love every second of their time exactly well i mean what was fake to me was that like kenya shows up and she's like oh

what are you doing here because you know charie has like a weird voice these days she's like oh she like has this high-pitched sort of pigeon she sounds like a pigeon and she like she's trying to be nice that's what she's trying to be nice you know she's trying to be nice because it hurts your head but she speaks but she also has like a clipped way She says her words in a very clipped way She's like oh what are you doing here That's how she talks normally When she's very upset

It's like someone's scrubbing the audio Fast all of a sudden Like oh we need to advance this three seconds Okay what are you doing here So I love that they're like She's like oh what's Kenny doing here okay what's doing here where are my cookies so um so i love that they're like she's like oh what's kenny doing here what's kenny doing here it's like you're mic'd up bitch five second scrub on the final cut yeah she is so but she's acting all surprised and she's i just like that she's fully mic'd up and like acting as if she just happens to be there sweeping

but to be fair she was in sweats and a little exercise top, so she did make herself look appropriately sweepy. This was all ridiculous. Kenya's mummy boob shirt was really weird. It's like she's wrapped like a mummy, coming down a hill that she doesn't live up, and then Sheree pretending to sweep in front of a completely locked house.

Kenya's like, I want to go go inside so she starts running around it's locked you can't get inside what the hell charie you're just standing outside your house sweeping randomly and not going in ever and then kenya just happens to get out of here who sweeps who sweeps the construction site anyway i mean is she expecting guests she's like yeah, there's some rats coming through. Darling, when there's tape on the windows, there's no need to sweep. Next thing is Lisa Vanderpump's going to come through and adjust some of the glasses. This needs to be cleaned to show that she has some sort of job. Lisa's going to be like, I'd love to hang some large iron torture devices as lamps all over in giant pots. Can bring jiggy.

We need planters. Planters all over Chateau Charest. Charest would be like, what's that? A dog? You're right. She does do that high talking. That's so funny. She's sort of like

a lady Scooby-Doo. And then Kenya has her fake high thing. She's like, hi. That's exactly it. Evil fun. Their voices were hilarious with these two trying to be nice to each other. So this devolved into a competition house. Sheree's like, what are you doing here?

You just live by here? And Kenya's like, yeah, I told you. I just live 500 feet. And Sheree's like, what are you doing here? You just live by here? And Kenny's like, yeah, I told you I just live 500 feet. And Sheree goes, girl, really? I'm like, do you not remember telling her last week she lived in the ditch? Like, hello? So it turns into this weird competition

where they're both smiling and being nice but still bitches to each other. And then it turns into a conversation where Sheree's like, yeah, well, it's hard getting lights. You got lights? Do you got lights? She's like, yeah, I got lights. I have electrical.

I have electrical, but I don't have doors. What about floors? You got floors in there? You got toilets? You got evil spirits? You got evil spirits? Because I got some evil spirits. I put mine in the graveyard. You do that too. Because I got some evil spirits. Yes. I put mine on the graveyard. You do that too? So I got electrical and a ghost.

It's this fight of what's not done on their house. And they make a deal. Whoever's done before Christmas. Well, spoiler alert. I don't think either one of them were done. Somebody post. I think it was Kyle. Kyle, if it's not you.

Love you still, Kyle. Krampus is like, they both look like great houses to me. I'm putting them both in a bathtub on my back and taking them to hell. Whoever gets Krampus to come over first wins. Krampus is like a Santa Claus, but nobody's finished him. And that's because he can't get contracts isn't that right Santa Krampus bitch

get in my bathtub hi Krampus I understand where Krampus is coming from because the mayor just won't give him his contracts is that right Krampus I'm about to put some children in a bathtub and take them to hell too

I get it Krampus Krampus is now'm about to put some children in a bathtub and take them to hell, too. I get it, Krampus. I get it. Krampus is now a cast member of Real Housewives of Atlanta. And his opening line is, I don't care if you've been naughty or nice. You're still on my list. And it should be right after Kim. He's like, faith, family, and a full-time job. Those are my facts of life

I'm gonna beat you up Kim like horrible he's like I'm gonna take you to hell like wow is this what people are like now I haven't been out of my house in so long she's like Julie I think we should just do

Tootie as Julie now because she just basically became julie in this episode yeah she i just know my kids and my husband i just need a business does anybody want to buy a blouse so so anyway after this like house comparison thing it happens sheree she first of all some things that sheree says you just can't even understand because she is so garbled but i did hear at one point she goes – she was talking about Kenya coming over. She's like, bitch, where are my cookies at? I was like, what?

Why is she asking for cookies? But then later on she kept on making the joke, so I got it eventually. But at that moment I was like, why is she asking for cookies? And then my favorite thing that Sheree said during this whole thing is she goes, Kenya needs to worry about that barn in a ditch before she worries about mine girl you need to get a roof over your head before you throw shade she's funny my favorite thing she said when when i can't understand her when she's talking so fast a clip i just said i was saying it to myself way after it ended. I have lights. Do you have lights? I have lights. Do you have lights?

What? What conversation is this? Okay, so Kenya is going to have a party on a boat to celebrate the demise of Cynthia's marriage. Because Kenya is an awful human being. It's like the second somebody has trouble in their marriage, she's like, let's celebrate. Let's go on a boat. Yeah. can't somebody has trouble in their marriage she's like let's celebrate let's go on a boat yeah jesus and then um so she invites straight to that and then then we move on to this like stripper clothing store where forces lease pulls up in this parking lot i was like girl yeah you need to save your money i'm bentley, Bentley Lee. What is it? A Bentley or a Rolls? Get them confused. One of those giant bus cars that cost

half a million dollars or whatever. Yeah. So she's there. She and Phaedra go into this place looking for stripper clothes because Portia is trying to keep the spark alive with Duke. So she wants to look real sexy when she FaceTimes with him. So she wanted to get some sexy

clothing and they just sort of it's sort of like a nothing scene they just sort of like walked around where portia and uh phaedra are pretending to be friends even though they have nothing in common and they never speak to each other and it's totally obvious and every time they see each other phaedra's like oh girl look at that booty yeah that's all she says look at your booty look at you so sexy look at your boot look at your booty all they do is talk about ass and like you're so sexy and then they go into a sex shop the older lady vagina still working i mean how many times oh yeah and then it was just wasn't this was this the was this when she and oh never was from the last episode, because I watched both episodes last night

I'm forgetting certain things. Yeah, so they just were in there doing exactly what you just said. And my favorite part was that when they went to pay it was like Slash was working behind the register. It was not what I was expecting. Welcome. Welcome to the sex pit. Rachel's like, I love

your establishment with the keychains and the doody does and the hoity hoes. Thank you, sir. I'm like, Oh, get out of here.

Like you've never been in a sex shop before. Please. Yeah. Not like she would act like that. She is the one who did bring chocolate or no, Mr. Ridiculous. Yes.

She brought ridiculous chocolate. Yeah. It's a chocolate or whatever. Yeah. And then, and also, yeah, exactly exactly and she was the one who went when they went to the caribbean i think it was the caribbean or wherever it was her bathing suit that had like the macrame like cover all that's super like stripper bathing suit on

yeah her catch a whale her uh catch a whale foundation thing um Catch a whale. Or save a whale. Heart of the sea. Ooh, chicken of the sea. So instead of talking about fake happy sex lives that don't exist, I'd love to talk about fake miserable sex lives that don't exist. Like Candy and Todd and Cynthia and Peter. Yeah. So we go over to Candy's house. How can you live in Candy's house? I think it's tackily, tastefully done, if that makes any sense.

Yeah. It's like tacky yet tasteful. Yeah. But it's very bright. Everything in there is shiny. You can't eat on a shiny velvet couch, Candy. A shiny, light purple couch. How is she eating hot?

You know she's getting mustard on that couch. Like, it's Candy. Yeah. She's getting, if not mustard, then at least tartar sauce. You need to get some plastic on that couch like my sithi had, or you just need a pleather couch. What are you doing? This whole scene, I was worried about the couch. Yeah.

No, she needs one of those little tables that go over the couch. That way she can eat in safety, as if she was in first class. So she's telling us oh i work so much i just can't stop working even pregnant here i am on my shiny couch that no one's allowed to sit on in the daytime yeah not eating anything with mustard on it and working and then she's on the phone with don juan and this is her working he's like are you eating because you got food you've got food issues yeah it's funny because my note was before the scene opened i was like god candy looks like she's 40 months pregnant and then she's like

yeah see no i'm in my fourth month i'm like fourth month girl with quadruplets yeah girl you're your fourth month like with a cinnabon opening yeah i mean i don't want i'm not trying to like fat shame or anything especially since she's pregnant. But, like, you know, there's some people, when they're pregnant, they just get super pregnant. Like, Kim Kardashian and Mariah Carey, they just, like, they get pregnant. Like, every organ gets pregnant. Well, those girls normally do it because they never eat. So, actually, I think Kandi's doing pretty good because candy was you know a little thick to

begin with and then she's just got a baby growing under there because i remember kim kardashian got like really big because she finally got to eat i mean when you first allow yourselves to like eat something like i don't know pizzas and french fries your body comes to life in a way like you feel the cells dying as you eat it by the way, but your body comes to life. Trust me, it happens to me every day. We call that fat ready. You've been holding back.

And then finally, it's like, you know, it happened to Kelly Clarkson, it happened to Jessica Simpson, it happens to a lot of people. You can just sort of see some people are just fat ready and they're just holding on for dear life, but at point something's gonna switch and then they they will be able to be fat finally yes and you know something that's made me very happy as much as i talk about eating and fat and blah blah blah and act like a woman about it there's something

that happened to me lately where i just don't really care as much and it's so lovely and it makes me feel bad seeing people on tv care so like when candy cares even though we make jokes and stuff mostly we make jokes because they're insecure about it and it's fun to make jokes about stuff like that but candy has it's not like she's ever been a supermodel anyway and no one needs her to be she's beautiful the way she is i don't need a scandy bobblehead candy walking around. And actually, ironically enough, even though we're talking about how she looks super pregnant, just because

she looks super pregnant, it's not the same as someone who looks like they're super fat, because she actually looks like she's lost a lot of weight in her face, oddly enough. She doesn't look like mistake pregnant, where you say, when do you do? And they're like, oh, how dare you? I'm just big. She looks real pregnant like

you can see the bump but also rhyming with candy is pandy and last or when we last vanderbump rules candy was wearing this big gigantic burka on her lap so that she was trying to like hide herself as if that was going to minimize her like she was was an incredible shrinking woman. She's like, mother, do you have a gigantic couch for me to sit on so I look like a little girl? And she's like, no, darling, just have this purse. It was very Sex and the City. It was like when Sarah Jessica Parker

was pregnant on Sex and the City and they kept on having to shoot with all these big purses to hide it. Yes, or Seinfeld or whatever. In the lane, yeah. But the thing about that is having to shoot like with all these like big purses to hide it yes or seinfeld or something in the land yeah um but i the thing about that is if she's pregnant i hope she is pregnant and lisa is just saving that for a storyline because that's lisa you know she's like don't tell anybody we're getting an entire two hours on the housewives about this setting but um i hope she's pregnant and not just being insecure about her weight because that's another one as much as we toy girl you beautiful how you are stop worrying about that

shit you're rich or gorgeous you already have a gay husband who cares eat for christ's sake eat well anyway so moving had to get it out because the pandora thing has been an actual discussion on the internet and i'm like really We're all talking about this girl. Really? It has been? Yeah, but most of it's because everybody thinks she's pregnant. And I'm like, you know, it just led me to a deeper thought this week. Because I was like, do I really need a skinny candy or a skinny pandy?

No, I don't. Thin people should be in pain. I love Vanderpump rules people to be thin and hurting. Okay, but not you, darling. Eat something. You both have jobs. Yes. Skinny, we don't need, we like fat candy, fat pandy. And you know what I would

have also liked back in the day? A fat Jessica Tandy. Sorry, I had to go for the rhyme. It was the first one that came to me. And a Tandy. You know I love her. She would have made a good housewife. She would have. Jessica Tandy? Hell yeah, with ten faces. Get driven everywhere. She's like, meet myandy? Hell yeah, with ten faces. Getting driven everywhere.

She's like, meet my new friend. It's an alien that needs batteries. Lisa would be like, oh, Morgan Freeman, hello darling, I met you at Muhammad's house. That's not my name today, man. Oh, I met you at Muhammad's house.

Jessica Tandy would be like, alright, Hoag. Is said his name all right Hogue take this party bus to pick up the girls he's driving driving Miss Daisy around and like a party bus from Shaw's picking up all the girls while she says racist shit in the

backseat oh we should talk by the well how about this after Atlanta there is some Shaw's the sons are gossip some really big shots sounds like gossip we haven't even talked about oh well this is a good scene to talk about it in because we're talking about terrible marriages that don't work. OK, so Mike and Jessica are getting divorced. She filed for divorce.

She's already been seen. She went out to Craig's in West Hollywood, which is one of those, like, you know, it's a restaurant you go to where the paparazzi are outside. It's where you want to, it's where you get your photo taken. So she's already gotten her photo taken with a new guy. Her face is getting more and more distorted every single time. And her boobs are getting larger. But she, I think, is she

alleging that Mike cheated on her? Well, duh. Yeah, like, what, like, look what you married. I mean, it's his fault. It's his fault. I'm not trying to blame her, but, i mean it's his fault it's his fault i'm not trying to blame her but like it's also he's he's a dirtbag and he should be divorced but also jessica like you know think about your role in it too not your role in it but think about what you married i mean you had a lot of warning signs i don't even care i think that it's much better for divorce than marriage, what they're doing.

I don't think they're hurting the institution of marriage. I think they're helping the institution of divorce. Because if divorce is made for anybody, it's you two. Yeah, they are helping the institution of divorce. I'm glad they never had a baby. Because that would have just been a terrible combination of genes. Well, I'm cynical about humanity in general, but especially Shaw's humanity. i don't even believe it like she she knew he was cheating the whole time they happen to be shooting when all this is happening if she really gave a shit that he was cheating

she would have dumped him the second she saw that pool party scene or whatever when she found out about golnessa and when she saw him talking about all the women at the party like that when he's like obviously fucking people like come on now lady now you're upset that he's cheating guess what I feel about his sore fuse I do icky vicks well it just means that we're gonna have a season of Reza being like

well now he should have to apologize to Gigi like how person is that to not apologize no because they've already gone against mike so if mike's back this season that means they're going after someone new because reza tries to ruin somebody new every single year i think one of his friendships and yeah and completely maligns the person it's also it's also his turn yeah i guess we saw the beginnings of that last

year because yeah we did because what will happen is the first two or three episodes will be them basically doing that thing where they say, we'll take you back if you admit you're wrongdoing now that you've left. And Mike will be so anti-Jessica that he'll come in. He'll say something. He'll be back. And yes, it'll be. Asa has not really. Well, also for season one, Asa was was the outsider. But now it's her turn.

Yeah, because she was on the outside of that whole Bachelor Party situation. Well, Reza took her in when he was fighting with MJ the season that he threw her under the bus for no reason. I hate saying throw her under the bus, but, I mean, it is Bravo. And then he took her in again the next season when he was friends with mj again but was throwing mike under the bus he always keeps her for backup with whatever friend he's betraying at the moment and lily's over there with gg and lily you're right and so now it's her turn the thing is who still sticks with reza i mean jesus christ how stupid do you have well i mean i know no they're gonna yeah they're a loaded question i mean there's a chance they may go but he he may you know uh go after gg again just because she's an easy target and like it feels like you know you have to come

back to gg every like two years you have to like you have to like alienate her every two years to keep her fresh it's like it's like a field you know you have to burn it you know to make it make sure it goes back yes i know we used to have to do that in Texas. What had you not had to do in Texas, Ronnie? You had to sweep in the play. You had to paint a bowling alley. You had to make a field go fallow.

I mean, or sallow. Many chapters to a book no one needs to read, basically. I want to read it. They're going to go after Gigi or Asa. I mean, they could go after that new girl. I hope she's just not back

entirely. Oh, God. She won't be back, right? I hope not. How could I forget about her? She's one of the worst. Bobby, but Bobby doesn't understand me. Bobby, you're stupid. Yeah, baby.

I can't even. I can't. I'm stressing out now, and they're not even back on the air. I deserve the vacation from them, and I'm taking it. Fuck off, people. I don't care that you're divorced. Stop getting in front of the cameras. You look crazy.

Yeah. So talking about dysfunctional marriages. So let's go to Cynthia now. So Cynthia is at home. Cynthia, Peter's in Charlotte. And it cracked me up because I know I. Are you at home? Are you at Candy's? Because Cynthia. Oh, is that where it was? Oh, yeah, you're right. She went over to Candy's. That's right. I was like trying to remember, you know. So, yes, Cynthia is there with Candy. I was like trying to remember, you know.

So, yeah, so Cynthia's there with Candy. And Cynthia is, I guess, I think Candy said, like, where's Peter? And she's like, oh, in Charlotte. And it just made me laugh because last episode, Peter's like, I'm going to do whatever it takes to make you see how much I love you. And it's like this episode, he's gone. He left the next day. Yeah, go back to Charlotte, you know. You've got to love Cynthiaynthia these two are another pair

that are obviously not friends candy's giving her that look like a fart you know like someone farted in an elevator and candy's just giving her that disapproving look she does where she's like she's looking at her like that and she's not even saying anything yet and cynthia's like well i just wanted to come over and you know know, see how you're doing. I just wanted to check on the baby. Good at it. Yeah. Yeah.

And then I like that Candy's like, see, Todd put an offer on a building. And I love Cynthia's look. She had this look on her face like, he put an offer on a building and he told you about it? Like, what is that? I don't understand. Something's gone wrong. She's like, yes, well, you know, I've had fibroids too, Candy. So I totally get it.

Candy's like, yeah, about the fibroids. You know, they're bad, but whatever. And Cynthia's like, yes, well, congratulations. Now you have an excuse to not have sex with Peter for a year. But then you're going to have to come up with something new. So get ready to get that sex with Peter for a year. But then you're going to have to come up with something new. So get ready to get that restaurant out of town, girl. Yeah. Well, it was funny also because then on top of that, when Candy said that Todd wants to open up a restaurant, again, Cynthia had that look.

Almost as if, like, she's like, are you serious? Like, is it going to be, like, next to a highway? Is it going to be terribly mismanaged? I don't understand. Like, what are you doing? Was anyone famous shot two houses away that you could like use like how you can open a restaurant without a freeway nearby why would you give todd somewhere to just stand in the middle of high and drunk is he gonna do that is he gonna be putting a giant photo of you in the foyer of the

restaurant so candy made it very clear in this scene first of the restaurant? So, Candy made it very clear in this scene. First of all, spin-off! Okay, so Candy made it very clear in this scene that this is not her idea to open a restaurant. This is the husband's idea. This is Todd's idea. He wants a family. Todd, who has yet to do anything

productive for this Candy's company, I'd like to add. Yeah, well, for Candy's company, he's sold his own shows. I forgot what they are, but he's doing something in life. He's doing something, but I'm just like, I feel like Candy is really the brains of that operation. It's not that Todd doesn't have brains, but Candy is the brains.

And I feel like Todd is, you know, I think the fact that he wants to open up a restaurant is very short-sighted. That's just funny. And when she said, yeah, he wants to open the restaurant. I don't really want to, but he really supported me with my play. Yeah, look how that turned out. Let's hope this goes just as

well, darling. I don't know. I don't know if that's a partnership you guys should be. I don't know. Who knows? By the way, I would have seen a mother's love if it had made its way to L.A. I was ready. I was actually ready, too.

That looked pretty good. I just wanted to see the version of Mama Joy. I just wanted to hear. It's right here. It's down. Let me see this. Oh, yeah. So Cynthia is pretending she's leaving Peter, which she's not.

Totally stolen from Nini. Already said it. Whatever. Family restaurant. And Cynthia is like, girl, that's not going to work. Can you loan Peter $20? And then Cynthia also said how Cynthia, Peter's in Charlotte. And I didn't tell you to build a bar in Charlotte.

Cynthia, he used your money to do it. Okay? Stop the bank account. No one's buying this shit. Get out of here. Charlotte. Why Charlotte? That's so strange. Why does he need to open up a bar one in Charlotte? I'm sorry.

Sorry. Go to Texas. She's like, I would love it to be in Texas. Somewhere further away. Charlotte's very close. By the way, did you know this? This is something that my friend told me that I never thought about. But Atlanta is further west than Detroit.

Isn't that crazy? I don't. Why? Why is it crazy? I don't know about geography. I don't... Why? Why is it crazy? I don't know about geography. I don't understand. What are you implying? I can't believe you're not jumping on the geography crazy train.

Because when I think of Atlanta, I think of East Coast, even though it's inland. I think of it as East Coast. I think of it to the right. I think of Detroit being in the middle of the country. And it's not true. I'm sorry. My mind is blown. Let me just have that okay i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry ronnie you were supposed to yes and that no you don't yes and false things you don't yes and geography yes and wrong geography did you know you know that Atlanta is as far out as California? Yes, and it's also as far out east as Detroit.

No. Yes, and we're driving there right now. Yes, and we're playing Slug Bug. Yes, and no one drives bugs anymore. Yes, and the new bugs count. Yes, and you have a, you see, you want that? You want that, Ben? It'll be fun hours! Anyway, I'll let everyone else ruminate on that for those of you who are

interested in things like longitudes and latitudes and um meanwhile and fibroids and fibroids so then the next scene are you ready to go on to the next scene can we play slug bug with fibroids every time you see someone on the house of atlanta with fibroids punch each other whoever sees it so then we um then we go to phaedra's house and kim fields comes over with her kids and i i think uh kim's son sebastian is hilarious adorable he has like uh he's like i don't know how you describe it i don't know if you say like is it like overly articulate it's not that he's saying anything articulate but he's like hello there miss phaedra you know one of those kids that are both so smart and eight and two they all

they're all such smart kids how the hell does that happen yeah so i love the iphones is that being raised by an iphone where you can just google stuff and like siri teaches you how to talk i think so but uh everybody started speaking like this rondellondal. I have set your alarm, Rondal. Ben's house is three minutes away, Rondal. So Sebastian is really adorable, and so they all come over. And for some reason, I thought this was really amusing. Sebastian gets in the pool. The pool is, by the way, the size of a parking spot.

And so Tootie and Pedro are sitting three feet three feet away first of all there's a there's like a swim instructor in the pool and tootie is like oh it's just so wonderful that i don't have to keep an eye on the kids i'm like you know you're sitting like a foot away from the pool first of all it's like i'm just gonna keep my toe in here to see if the temperature gets too low because i care and then like sebastian gets in the pool and Tootie goes, have a good time. You're not sending him off to summer camp. She's like, bye, Arnie. Bye, Arnie.

And, you know, she's like, wait, don't leave. Don't leave. You're my only friend. Near, far, wherever you are. Is that Titanic? Well, you know, when you said that Tootie is like Julie from Ladies of London, she is, but I actually feel like she's even more sheltered. Because at least Julie, she's sort of deprecating about it.

She's like, I mean, I don't have any time. I just have my kids. I just have the hot chocolate mix and my kids and that's all. And then some yoga and that's really it. It's crazy. I mean, I'm a lady and it's crazy. And 2D's more like, yeah, my friends are like the kids in the carpool. Those are my friends.

And she's like, she's like, she like never had a moment before this pool party thing or like pool play day where she realized that it's crazy. It was like, Phaedra's like, so those are your only friends?

And she's like, yeah. Yeah. Oh my god, Ryan. Phaedra's like, I like masturbation, prostitutes, taking mail from other people's mailbox and writing different names on it and beating maids.

What do you like to do? And she's like, carpooling. Carpool is like her favorite thing. people's mailbox and writing different names on it and beating maids what do you like to do and she's like carpooling carpool is like her favorite thing she's like well one thing that i think is really fun is going out at two in the morning no two in the afternoon and carpooling places you don't know a party until you're not in the car with only your own kids, but your friend's kids, too. Now that's fun, guys. Tootie's like, I have to say, Phaedra, I do have a bone to pick with you. I thought when you said this was a pool party that this would be a carpool party, and it's just an actual regular pool.

A little disappointed. I'm not ready to have this conversation. I thought I would be sitting in my car for half an hour waiting for my chance to get through the circle i i brought this raffy cd and there's not even a car cd player for me to put it into i was planning on my kids watching frozen in the back seat while i listened to a james patterson audiobook in the back seat while I listen to a James Patterson audiobook in the front seat. So I brought this pack of Apple and Eve apple juice for everyone

and I guess I won't be needing it. So funny. So Kim is like realizing that she has no life and she starts crying, which is so cute. So Phaedra's like, I'll help you, which is so cute so phaedra's like i'll help you which is terrifying yeah and kim's like well i'm not sure and phaedra's like yeah but you need a crew who are you rolling

with like i watched blair on survivor and she's still a crazy bitch i'm not leaving my house and phaedra's like yes you can we have friends you can do it and kim's like yeah but the boobage i'm uncomfortable with all those boobs you're talking to phaedra yeah tits are like up to her face and she's in a thong right now phaedra's wearing like a thong bikini with the see-through dress on yeah the flight date and the best part the best part is when when chudi says i miss class phaedra goes i'm glad i finally found another crusader to fight the good fight to bring back class to Atlanta. I'm like, you realize we just saw you at like Strippers R Us, right? Like buying some pleather panties from Slash.

And you're sitting here in a thong while your husband's in jail for a felony. You probably threw him in there for it. Get out of here, lady. Why don't you show Judy your pickle photos from your engagement or whatever it was, you know? Also thanking Jesus for a crusader for class as if Jesus was about

bringing class to Earth. Jesus, he didn't die for your sins. He died for your class, darling. Whenever you go somewhere with a shirt that doesn't match your shoes, you're hurting Jesus, all right? He brought class to Atlanta. Learn your forks.

Maybe Tootie just meant that when she said she misses class, she means like, I'm sad that school isn't in session because that's two more times I can carpool per day. I love class. I could carpool Sebastian to class all year long. I love class. I could carpool Sebastian to class all year long. I love class because that's when the kids are busy and I get time to write notes for the lunch for the kids for the next day. I get to think about what we're going to do during carpool. So Phaedra's saying, I don't know, is this where they start talking about Bush? I don't know they start is this where they start talking about bush i don't know but kim's like yeah i'm on i get a high if adrian's like how do you get your high girl i take adderall and uh no does and she's like i get my high from family i was like oh no you need to either run

from air and get caught doing like crack or something because you're making me if this is real i'm gonna kill you you need to change it up like you need to fuck a stranger they need to really corrupt her somehow yeah this is when like if this were a disney movie that phedra would have her musical moment where she's like i will turn her into this do a whole thing but i think phedra would be pretending to be her friend but she'd really be the evil queen. Right, to get something out of her. Yeah, trying to get her to eat a poison apple.

And Kim would be like, no, I don't have apples. But I'll give it to my kid to take to his teacher. They'll love that. How about this needle? Why don't you play with this needle? Oh, I'm sorry. I don't like pointy objects. But I can refer it to the Salvation Army.

Okay, so Portia. This is Portia getting ready to do a sexual FaceTime thing. Hilarious. She's wearing a bikini. Xena the Warrior Princess slash Motorcycle Babe boob bikini top. I don't know what that.

And then she's sitting there with her brand new tits that probably have the same amount of lease time as her Bentley or whatever the hell's in her parking lot. She's parked the Bentley on her chest, basically. And then we just watch her walk around a hotel room

waiting for Duke to text back. And it's saddlarious. Well, it wasn't that sad for me and I'll tell you why because bravo was not smart enough to blur out the time stamp and the first text was 9 41 hey i'm ready and he's like okay give me a minute and then like 9 41 all right waiting 9 41 you ready 9 41 it was like they edited to make it look like it took place over an hour but if you that's how long it took place in her head i mean it's for sure we're talking about that's true and then i

love it went from 941 a to 942 p learn numbers well i i like then so afterwards she she calls up uh phedra and is like complaining about it and phaedra goes well you know if he's not building up honey then you know and bravo spells honey h-u-n-n-i in the subtitles oh that's how you that's the slang way that's what she's saying honey yeah because that she says it over and over again honey oh yeah man look in the urban dictionary i know no i know that i know i know about honey I know about hunty. I know all that. I just thought it was funny.

I know the varying degrees of honey. I'm familiar with black slang. I'm familiar with the vernacular. Okay, thanks. I just thought it was funny that they actually extended it into the subtitles. So funny.

Because you know it's like some intern with a pen. Like, what is she saying? Like, looking it up. It's actually a word. So, yeah, Portia's big takeaway. She's like, yeah, you know, like, I guess I'll just, you know, I guess I need to find a man I can marry. And Duke's not going to be the one. It's like, well, congratulations.

And also, congratulations advice. It's the advice you, congratulations. And also Fadra's advice. It's the advice you never want to hear when you call to complain about your boyfriend. I don't feel loved. And Fadra's like, well, if he's not building you up, he's a noose around your neck about to drown you in a lake. You need to cut him off like a pair of frog legs and fry him up,

honey. You need to be done with him. Hey, a man who ain't with your plan is a man who deserves to be in jail. Get him thrown in. You need to be done with him. Hey, a man who ain't with your plan is a man who deserves to be in jail. Get him thrown in. You better plan some evidence. I'm like, whoa, Phaedra, calm down with your advice. Just tell her to love herself. Jesus Christ. Phaedra's got her

drowning herself in a lake over there and eating frog legs or something. I never know what Phaedra's talking about. And poor Portia. I mean, to think that she has any control over the situation. Like, honey, you're the one who got dumped. Don't act like you's talking about. And poor Portia. I mean, to think that she has any control over the situation. Like, honey, you're the one who got dumped. Like, don't act like you're dumping him. You're the one.

He cannot with you. But I introduced him to my family. Oh, Portia. On date number two. Yeah, on date number two. He got an award. I got him a trophy. It was hard pulling the soccer ball off that trophy from fifth grade.

So then we move on to like the big meat of the episode which is this boat party so first we meet um cynthia's friend tammy who tammy is a character god she's like this tall woman with a big long blonde braid and she immediately wait a second stop the podcast must be stopped immediately. Right. Not stop, stop. It's just off the comment. I just got a link.

I'm clicking on it to make sure it's valid. Hold on. This is breaking news. Are you ready for the breaking news? This comes to us. It was tweeted at us by Westoverwest. So I don't know what Westoverwest is. Talk about geography fucking with your brain.

Westoverwest. Where is that? What state is that? Okay, are you ready? Are you ready? I am. Breaking. Yolanda Foster. Don't tell me me she died i will die if she died

please if she died i wouldn't be making i wouldn't be well you didn't make it sound funny you just said it was breaking news i mean what the hell oh my god well you know what there has been a death there has been a death it's been a death of love yolanda foster and david foster are divorcing oh girl this isn't this is from reality t we we interrupt the boat party in atlanta where there's smoke there's usually fire this is what it says rumors have been circulating for a while now that the fosters weren't quite as happy as they claimed and it looks like it was true yolanda and david foster are divorcing after just four years of marriage. Well, I mean, with his track record, of course.

They confirmed the news to People magazine this afternoon, just hours before the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere, naturally. They shared in a joint statement, Sadly, we have decided to go our separate ways. We've shared nine beautiful and joyous years together. During that time, we experienced love, friendship, Lyme disease. No, I added that.

And the inevitable challenges that come with managing a marriage, careers, blended families, and health issues. And, you know, one very beautiful daughter and another one. We are grateful for the years we've spent together and believe wholeheartedly that we did our best. I hope that we can pave the road ahead of us with all that we've learned and with the love and respect we will always have for one another.

And if we cannot pave the road, I hope that we get some immigrants who have bothered to learn English to pave the road because otherwise it's a dead-end road. Do you understand, immigrants? Yolanda and David don't share. I'm still doing her voice now. Let's see.

She's there. They have the kids. They sold them out. The saddest thing about this is that she did not have a, or she did have a prenup. She didn't? She did. She had to have.

Who the hell else would kiss David Foster's egotistical ass as hard as she did? Of course there was a prenup there. That's why she was always like, oh, hello, my love. Every time he's around, she's like, how can I serve you, my love? I love to serve the man. A woman is here to make man happy. Here's a chicken with a lemon up its butt, my David. is here to make man happy.

Here's a chicken with a lemon up its butt, my David. And then she'd have Instagrams where she's like, here we are in beautiful heaven. Other words, Italy with my feet on David's knee. Every time she was taking a picture, it was her feet somewhere on David. And I was like, you know, it's just

to hide his face from like him strangling her, right? She's like, concentrate on the feet. No happy like, concentrate on the feet. No happy marriage concentrates on the feet. Maybe she was too bold. Maybe she suggested not going to the Amalfi Coast for the 10th year in a row, and that was just enough, too much for him to handle.

He's like, why don't you learn Bella's name? She's like, that's it, we are over. How dare you disrespect gg like this maybe he was spending too much time with the allergist bro that friend that he has what's up bro bro i think actually my uh of course cynical conspiracy theory is that he left her ass because this season on beverly hills she's called out for being a fucking liar on her disease. And everybody's going to turn tides. And he just saw what happened to Vicky and Brooks.

And he's like, no thanks. Have a real career. Got real talent. Bye, bitch. And cut her right off is what I think. Bye. Bye now. Maybe he cheated.

It's the day of the premiere. Yeah. And Yolanda would not care or be surprised if he cheated. Trust me. She was Mohammed's hose. Mohammed gave her to David at a dinner party as, like, a party favor. I don't think she's going to be surprised. We've all heard what goes on with Mohammed. Let me tell you something.

She spent a good amount of time on the Beverly Hills Housewives talking about how she has to be in good shape. You know, she wants to look her best for her man and you know what she did this summer she got herself a mom haircut well you can't do that when you have a music producer as your husband okay you can't do a mom haircut sure enough divorce yeah i think she probably did that on the day she got the papers because that's when you get a new haircut yeah that's sad i mean it is sad to see a marriage go yeah i'm not so sad with that one because i never bought it in the first place and those are two of the fakest ass people i've ever seen in my life so i don't even know if i like them or not because i don't even think i've ever

seen the real them i do know that yolanda is tricky tricky on that show which i'm sure we'll talk about a lot this week but i don't know i guess i feel bad for anybody's marriage going bad but not really is that terrible yeah i mean i'm i actually have to say i'm i'm a little surprised i didn't totally see it coming so but you know i will sign a prenup okay if you are given to a man at muhammad's house as a leftover wrapped in like a pyrex dish with some tinfoil on it you better make sure not to sign anything if that man takes you home. Do not sign it. This is your job, darling.

You've stayed thin for all these years. You've fucked countless rich men trying to get that house above the freeway over the ocean. You deserve it. Well, anyway, let's get back to Atlanta. No, now I'm miserable. And we never even got past this scene where Candy is. We did get past it, but we never mentioned that Candy told Cynthia. Yeah, well, you know, Cynthia, I know you're having trouble in your marriage, but sometimes it's better to just stay there.

You don't want to be getting old and dying alone. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. OK, we can move on now. I just had to say that. Yeah, my God. Okay, we can move on now. I just had to say that. Yeah, that is. And now we're back to this new chick, Tammy, who I don't think is going to last long. Because she's like, she talks like that. She's like a white girl.

She talks like a cartoon. You know, like a goofy cartoon. Actually, she talks like Goofy. She talks exactly like Goofy. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. What's she? She's like an L.A. Malibu girl with a surfboard.

She's like, ha. Right. We know she's bad news. We know that Tammy's bad news because we find out in a little bit that she is friends with, like, really, really good friends with Bob Whitfield, which is bad news, but also makes me excited to see her and Sheree, like, really tussle down the line. These producers are shady. Like, just bring Bob's best friend in yeah I'm best friends with Bob I'm like oh my god of

course you are what are those conversations like yeah so then I also like so this is everything's like there's a lot of cross-cutting this is one of those things where we see there's what everyone's going to the lake so one one vehicle has has uh kenya and tammy and um cynthia and then the other one is candy and kim kim fields and what made me laugh was you know when we first see candy she's

like lying down in the back of the van and then she sort of gets up and she gets into a seat when kim gets there and every time they show kim and 2d talking kim you know candy's just like up propped up against the window and kim fields is totally buckled in like she's in the front seat of a sedan she is fully buckled in she's like okay i'm ready you know she's having the time of her life she's like this is like a carpool finally i'm in the back seat of a carpool this is crazy this is like a dream come true she's like i kind of feel like this would be a better carpool if there were more people in the seats just start picking up children just. Just see if that kid wants a ride. Your mommy sent me.

She's like, I hope you don't mind I brought my own airbag. You know, just in case. Kim. She's like, my favorite part of going to the Emmys is getting into the limo and having a big carpool there. Stupid. She was talking about... Sex toys.

Yeah, she was nice to Candy because she likes her, you know, she respects her as an entrepreneur. Yeah. And they started talking about Candy's dildo business. And Candy's like, you know, do what you know. And they start talking about all these dildos or whatever. And Kim's like, I'm not really experienced in that world like i get really embarrassed and candy's like you need to start small you know and you need the most important thing is you don't make your husband think that you're trying to replace him with a 10 foot black dick basically like big black dildo

and uh she's like you need to start small and then candy tells us she probably doesn't even trim or shave or anything and of course she called it because kim had just said that she doesn't right to phaedra and phaedra's like that's a lot we learned about kim today who's so innocent she doesn't trim her bush and she doesn't wear underwear and she's a screamer and she's a screamer yeah yeah which i don't understand how that works if you've got well she probably wakes up the next day and sees stains on her couch and starts screaming at people like you need to wear underwear girl oh wow so tammy and her drive so she's talking about her and sheree and of course everyone's

like oh give us the gossip you got to give us the sheree gossip and she goes i'll tell you this um i firmly believe that sheree was only with bob whitfield because he played for the falcons oh you don't say tammy yeah congratulations how much people are with bob whitfield because he played for the Falcons. Oh, you don't say, Tammy. Yeah, congratulations. How many people are with Bob Whitfield because he's a 500 pound, you know, monster with cross eyes who speaks in, like, word soup? Yeah, it's like have you seen

Atlanta? Do you see why any of these guys have wives? It's because they play football. The only reason she likes him is because she thought he was a refrigerator and she wanted to get milk out it's like shut up terry she's stupid and by the way i've that's like like the only reason why she's with bobby fields is a football player it's like yeah it's like you know it's like the only reason why peter is with cynthia is because she's a supermodel

it's a pretty you know it's it's like not something that you just brush over it's not like you say oh only because he has you know like a cool bow tie it's like supermodel football player like those are like that's pretty elite arm candy tan yeah i don't know if you've been paying attention but that's kind of the goal around here yeah i mean who's she talking to cynthia who married a poor person so she's not going to take that news well and And then who else was in there? Kenya? No. It was Kenya. Then Kenya, who can't find a rich man to stay with her ass more than two weeks to save her life. Like, who are you complaining to?

Yeah. That looks like a resume. So then the women arrive at the lake, and they get on to one of these, like, lake boats. It looks like an RV on a pontoon. It kind of... It made the Lake Havasu boat from Real Housewives of Orange County look like the Cunard line. It was just like a big old shitty box

going down the lake. That's old Captain Don over there. Hey ladies, welcome to the boat. Like to make sure that you know the rules. Here we go. If we sink, go towards an exit and grab something that floats. Got it? So did we skip, I mean, did we skip, I'm only bringing it up because Shemayah and Portia, or Shemay and Portia in the car was hilarious.

Candy's telling them about this divorce. And Portia's answer, projecting, is so funny.ha's answer projecting is so funny she's just projecting her own shit and she's like what is she talking about Charlotte's not far it's only two hours away I drive an hour every day to work I say they can make it work because

if we could have made it work we should have made it work but it just wasn't for us and we made the wrong decision. I'm like, you were locked out of your house. Yeah, by a closeted gay man. We literally changed the lock. Stop pretending like you made a bad decision. You made the decision to get a hotel room because it was raining outside on your weave.

Stop. Exactly. And also Cynthia said, marriage isn't an accomplishment. Why is everybody bragging about marriage? Like they did something great. It's not a job. Like, so you were married for a long time. Big deal.

I'm like, because people committed to each other and then they learned how to make it work no matter what and kind of grew as people. It's kind of what marriage is. You idiot. Yeah. It's kind of what marriage is, you idiot. Yeah, you know what, Cynthia? You're not allowed to talk about marriage because you're the one who left a super hot and smart and emotionally available man to be with Peter, okay? Not only that, but your whole accomplishment in life is being pretty and walking.

Really? Like, if anything, being married to this long is an accomplishment. I'm proud of you. I wouldn't be able to do it. I don't know why the hell she is married to him. There has to be some reason other than love. Because obviously she's never really liked him. What is it?

What do you think? I don't know. I think that, I think Cynthia, she never fails to really annoy me. So, anyway, we got on the boat, and the crappy boat. It's no wonder why Cynthia was so pleasant on the below deck yacht, because after what she had to go through on this boat. Well, not that what she had to go through. She was the perpetrator of it, actually. She really was.

This is what I call the audition cruise, okay? This is a big rental boat or free donated boat that pulls up and this is where we have our real housewives of atlanta open call audition yeah exactly that's a great way to put it because now the way supposedly rumor wise i don't even know where i heard this but it's been all over the place supposedly the way that they're paying a lot of the housewives now is scale based and they get supposed bonuses for fights and all this shit who knows if any of this shit is true but it seems like it is because it's what episode four and it's like okay girls if we are going in six episode arcs you better get your time in there because they were tap dancing like crazy all of

them yeah absolutely and it started with you know they get on the boat and uh porsche brought shemia Because they were tap dancing like crazy. All of them. Yeah, absolutely. And it started with, you know, they get on the boat. And Portia brought Shamia. And Shamia wasn't officially invited. And Kenya's like, oh, I didn't invite her. I didn't invite Shamia. And you're like, oh, God. Well, hello, everybody.

It's lovely to have you. I'm glad I invited all of you. I didn't invite Shamay. So why is Shamemay here? Shemay. So rude. And Tootie can't believe it. Tootie's like, whoa, she really put it out there.

I'm like, did you watch? Did you do any research before you signed on to the show? Did you? She's like, I heard that this version took place in the candy store and I showed up. That's it. I hope it works out. So Tammy, meanwhile, is being totally starstruck she's like yeah candy we uh we met like 6 000 years ago you know i was in cvs and i was in one island i looked over and i was like hi and then you're like hi and then you left it was great

it was so cool i was like hey and then you had like potato chips on your mouth and i was like you have potato chips on your mouth and then you like opened a ketchup bottle and squeezed it all down your throat and i was like wow you're amazing candy's like you think i'm gonna remember that candy's like see nah stalker from wondery this is black history for real i'm francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself.

But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So, this new girl Tammy is doing this weird, she's choosing a weird personality for this. I don't know if this is someone's real personality and if it is, how no one has slapped them yet. Yeah. But her thing is, I don't know what shade is. You guys are totally different from me because I don't even know what shade is. Yeah. She was, yeah, that was very strange.

She's like, wait, what's shade? I don't understand these things. And then she proceeds to be totally, totally shady, which is funny because then all the girls called her out about that. And of course, Kenya is the queen of the shade because they're getting pedicures and Kim's getting a pedicure and Candy. Someone asks Tammy,

you don't know what shade is, how old are you? And she's like, I'm 45. And then Kenya's like, well, Kim knows what it is and she is 50. Yeah, she's the oldest one. And Kim was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's like, well, Kim knows what it is, and she is 50. Yeah, she's the oldest one. And Kim was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. She's like, someone stop the carpool.

Someone stop the carpool on the water, okay? She's like, get this Mendelssohn kid out of the backseat. I am taking back your Five Alive juice box. She's like, emergency lights, I am slowly pulling safely to the shoulder. Okay? Look, that was funny. Kim was like, excuse you. My birthday has been a holiday in Atlanta for 51 years now. How dare you not tell everybody I'm 46?

Oh, God. That was great. You can see they're setting up that Kim is going to really not like Kenya. So then Kenya makes a speech. Well, if Kim knows how to deal with children they'll just put a child right in front of her and have her smack him down every time but at the end of the day she's still gonna wipe her ass and give her a hug because that's what good moms do exactly so then so then kenya gives this like ridiculously self um congratulatory

speech as she's like saying that she wanted to throw this party because she knows that cynthia's having a hard time and she knows because she's one of her best to throw this party because she knows that Cynthia's having a hard time and she knows because she's one of her best friends. And I love it that Candy just mutters, Uh-oh, she don't took that title. Your best friends now. Which I just love it because that was such a great, hilarious, shady moment.

That was just so perfect. And then moments after that, then Tammy corners Candy again. this was this cracked me up she's like now candy we have we have to talk we have to talk i am sure you've heard my song my son's song the drop you know by frico and merlot and candy's like now how's it go how's it go now and she's like, no, how's it go? How's it go now? And Judy's like, yo, it's dropping. The world is dropping.

It's dripping. It's dropping. The rain is dropping. It's dropping. It's dropping. It's like someone's mom singing their rap song. I'm like waving her arms in the air. Yeah.

Judy's like, oh, is that on, like, mom tunes? I always play that during the carpool. I love that song in the drop. It's like when you drop off the kids at school. I love the drop because then I drive around the block. Oh, wait. Was that the F word? Oh, God.

I can't play that in my car. Please don't let your son sing in my car. Please. Please. Damn it. So Candy's like, actually, if someone's going to be talking business with me they need to be talking about a budget i love candy and tammy's like so uh do you have a label do you have a label candy because bob whitfield is managing my son i was like really you better hope he ain't reading the contract because his eyes both looking at his nose. He's not going to see anything right. He's going to

see double the zeros and sign something where your son is making like $100 instead of $1,000 for a gig. Yeah, I would... And I hate when people do that, too. I hate when people, you know, this is something that happens... Well, I mean, it doesn't really happen to me a lot

because I'm not a very well-established writer. But sometimes it happens. Sometimes it happens in the realm of podcasting where people just say – they just say, oh, well, we have to – I have to get onto your – I have to be on your podcast. Or my son has to be – like this or that. It's like what are you talking about? No, no, no. You're in a movie? Oh, my kid would be great in movies.

You've got to put him in there. You want to have a meeting? Want to have a meeting, Candy? Candy's like, actually, busy. She's like, okay, well then let's set up a meeting when you're free. And Candy gives her mama Joyce's number. Do we want to hear the drop? Should I play like about 10 seconds of the drop?

It's on YouTube. Hello? The drop, the drop. It's dropping and it's dropping in the drop in there fucking in the drop in it a drop that is wrong imagine mama joyce just going off on this woman on the phone i will not do that you damn it frico and merlot oh by the way you know how like every every obscure song on YouTube has

600,000 views? How do they get that many views? Frico and Merlot has 46,000. Oh, that's pretty good. That's good, right? Here it comes. This is almost as good as Drift Drop

from Empire. Everyone knows the drop What does it mean to drop? Turn up, turn up Salsa, salsa Drop They have a little dance Alright, that's enough of that Candy's like, I really don't ever want to play this They have that little dance that they're trying to do. Drop it, drop it, drop it, drop it. Hey.

All right, that's enough of that. Candy's like, I really don't ever want to play this in my restaurant because the more people drop things, the more money it costs me at the end of the day. Do the drop. No. No one wants to drop things. Stop it. Peter's like, yeah, I'll play it. I'll play it.

A Piers Brew. Do a pour over. A drip. A's like, I'll play it. I'll play it. Pour over. Drip coffee. Little comics. This is so good. And then this moved on to, we skipped to a second, but just to come back here real quick to finish these two up. They started talking about their husbands

and she's like, yeah, my husband's nuts. And she said, how does your husband act? And she goes, he's the worstest man in America. He's like, yeah, my husband's nuts. And she said, how does your husband act? And she goes, he's the wettest man in America. He's like, he wakes up so happy. Like, he's Nazi white. Like, Nazi. And Candy was like, okay, that's good. What's going on over there?

And she tells us, you're not going to leave me here with this woman. I love when she said, what's going on over there? She didn't even try to be creative with her escape. She's just like, no pun intended, escape. But she was just like, she didn't even do like, you know, I think I'm going to go to the bathroom. She's just like, yeah, so, see, nah. What's over there? Raleigh.

Is that Raleigh over there? Oh, no, it's just a coaster. By the way, I have to correct myself. I was not on the official Frico and Merlot. It's probably Merlot, but I keep saying Merlot as if it's wine. I was not on the official Frico and Merlot YouTube site. The video actually has 5.9 million views. Oh, I was going to say.

Even after being on Housewives, it still doesn't have anything? I mean, come on. Kenya's song had more than that. Yeah, no, I guess it's real. So also, while we're doing our apology correction thing, this isn't our apology, by the way. This is the internet's apology to you. Kim's house didn't get foreclosed on. That's stupid. We talked about that last week.

She did not get foreclosed on. That was a bunch of bogus bullshit, okay? So no one believe it now in the future. Just kidding. By the way, the other thing is all the 5.9 million views, it's like all the comments are like, oh, I saw this on the Real Housewives. I came here because of the Real Housewives.

I came here because of the Real Housewives. Mission accomplished. That is a mom who knows how to manage her child, and Bob Whitfield is taking all the credit right now. Yeah. All right, I'm going to close out this. I cannot let the freak out. He's like, well, we're doing really good on you, you, to-to-to.

So, okay, Kenya. Okay, so Kim whips out her own food in Tupperware to stay healthy, which is hilarious. And she comes with it. And her own book. And a book. You do not bring books onto the Real Housewives. I'm sorry. And her own book. And a book. You do not bring books onto the Real Housewives. I'm sorry.

The women are doing all these shots. And Sharae and Kenya are doing this weird thing where they're laughing fakely in each other's face and saying really mean shit to each other. Which is odd. And then Kim just doesn't know what to do. Because the other ladies are like, yeah, drop. Drop it. Turn it up. Turn it up. Turn it up.

They're saying all these things that she's never heard. And Kim's like, okay, I'm just going to go read on the four deck. And they take away the book. I love that Kim's reaction was, that's a library book. You have respect for a library book, Missy. That is a taxpayer-funded book. How dare you, ma'am? And then she brings her own Tupperware full of, like, banana slices and shit.

And Kenya throws it off the boat, and she says, You don't bring Tupperware to a catered event. And Kim goes, At your last party, you didn't have food, and people were getting water off after poo bottles Of course I brought my own Tupperware I don't do this everywhere okay Oh god this is Why this is why like On the bonus episode someone asked

Which like housewives did you get Rid of and it's because of these moments That I would not get rid of 2D because She is such a mom like Above and beyond like she doesn't Realize how much of a mom she is that i just it just cracks me up in this yeah first i thought probably it's totally an act but it's not totally an act and she's one of the only people who still knows how to be real on a real

housewife show because look you can have a nini and you can have a kenya and you but they don't work when it's when they're all that. When Cynthia's lying and faking shit. And Phaedra's lying and faking shit. And when they're all doing it, what the hell? It needs to be like a couple of normal ones at least. Yeah, exactly. And that's the thing. Kim wasn't trying to get into anything.

She was trying to escape out of the room with her little library book. I just love that she brought a library book. Because first of all, you know all the other women would be like i don't want people thinking i borrowed this book i'm buying it off of amazon you know like but she you know she goes to the library she probably reads a lot of books where it makes sense to not pay 30 damn dollars for a book she probably goes two or three times a week back in the day before the internet i used to read books i just read hateful comments it's amazing so then anyway fun times people are going down the slide they're swimming everyone's having a good time and everyone's drinking and people keep people keep saying this ridiculous

thing that gets said a lot on housewife shows which is like you know what these women need we all need some booze you know everyone you know, you know, we're all having fun. The booze makes everything better. Every Housewives franchise, there is inevitably a scene where people praise the benefits of booze. They don't seem to ever realize what causes these arguments, that they all get drunk off their ass. Every Housewives is a Saturday night, you know?

It's like the same thing in real life. You're like, oh, all I need is a saturday night you know like the same thing in real life you're like all i need is a drink and then you're like oh my god what food product is on my face it's like how did i get rice and pizza on my face last night so well inevitably things go go downhill and it starts with shamia making a joke about kenya i think it's sh Shemay. Isn't her name pronounced Shemay? Because I thought it was Shemay and Shemay. I could be wrong. It's written Shemay, but I think it's pronounced Shemay. Shemay? Shemay. Uma Oprah. Oprah Uma. Uma Oprah.

Where are my cookies? So, this was weird. So, Shemay is obviously doing her audition piece, trying to attack Kenya. Kenya is giving her passive aggressive things. Shimea, only the new girls went in the slide in the first place. Tammy looked like an idiot.

Shimea's like spreading her legs and whatever, acting like an idiot. Finally they come on, she gets a towel, and she immediately, she's like, is that a real towel? Not like a fake towel, like that fake product we had at Kenya's? Oh, come on. It doesn't even make any sense.

And Kenya, of all people, goes, you know, I just hate it when people take little digs. I hate that. I'm like, that's all you speak in is little digs. You don't know anything other than little digs. But Shamia or Shamay... Actually, I could do some little digs because I can't get the city to approve little digs. Will you do that for free?

Oh, your house is more like a big dig. It's like the big dig in Boston. Except it's in a ditch. Water ditch, big dig. And then, um. I am a proud, successful black woman, shimmy. And shimmy's like, oh, congrats, Miss America. Oh, wow.

Another thing stolen from, like, the first fucking episode Kenya ever did. Come on, show. How many things in this one episode are going to be stolen. And if you're going to steal it, at least steal it better. I mean, this is just sad. It doesn't even make sense. Well, then Kenya has this really hilarious response, which is I'm going to have the captain escort you off my boat. Like, first of all, you're in the middle of a lake. Second of all, it's not your boat. Third of all, you're not the queen. She's like, don't come for the queen. You're not the queen.

Shut up. Unless you're talking about a mattress. Be quiet. Mattress and storage. So then the big fight breaks out. Captain! She's like, Captain! Yeah? What can I do you for,

miss? I have a guest that needs to be escorted off the boat. He's like, well, there's some water there, and the rules say, can't escort in the water. So tell your friend she's gonna have to pipe down,

missy, alright? Or she's getting a plane ticket. Tell your friend she's going to have to pipe down, missy. All right? Or she's getting a plane ticket. So then Cynthia goes to calm down Kenya because Kenya's over with the captain. And so Cynthia goes. And then Candy makes this little comment. She's like, see?

No. Girl, best friend. And then Portia's like, yeah. Yeah. You go best. Not like that. I don't know why I said it like that. But Portia's like, yeah, you're the best friend and then Portia's like yeah yeah you go best like not like that I don't know why I said it like that but Portia's like yeah you're the best friend why don't you go why don't you go and then this like

bothers Cynthia and so Cynthia's like whatever you know something like that and then Portia says something like whatever bitch and Cynthia after doing her Mama Cleo impersonation of Peter she did this impersonation of Peter where she's like, Hello, welcome to Jamaica.

You like to eat a banana off a tree? Then I give you a banana on this. I'm like, what are you talking about? Welcome to the Psychic Friend Network. I tell your future, Miss Cleo. It's not close even. Maybe, I don't know, make a coffee joke or something, girl. Cynthia starts doing that thing of, like, don't call me out of my name.

Don't call me out of my name. And then it's, you know, it's like, you call me a bitch. And then Portia's like, well, we've been calling each other bitch all day long. To be fair, I actually thought that Portia's bitch was a little, it wasn't like the other bitches. But I also think Cynthia was being bonkers. And Cynthia was just ready to yell at somebody. She pulled it. She's pulling a Nini all episodes.

She's going to yell at somebody for no reason and wave her finger around and act like an idiot. But Cynthia did something, but Cynthia's did say something that was really funny. She's like, you took a damn thought pill. I was like, she takes it every day.

She's on a medication. She's everything, you took a damn thought pill. I was like, she takes it every day. She's on a medication. Everything she says, I can tell that she was practicing it in her sad closet. Like looking at shoes that don't fit anymore or whatever. I don't know. Cynthia, it's not working, girl. Just be nice. Yeah. Be yourself.

Like you're boring enough as yourself. You're five times as more painful to watch when you're your boring self trying to pretend you're exciting somebody else who got boring in the end because they were making shit up too. Like, why would you copy Nene? Yeah. So then Portia goes to try to, like, clear the air. And she's like, I didn't intend it that way. I know. And you heard me say things.

And you thought when I was saying things that I said things. But what I was saying was things. And Cynthia's like, no, now you hear. Now you listen to me. People think you're stupid, but you're not stupid. And this is what I'll say to you. You don't call me. I don't call.

Nothing they said was even making any sense. They were just screaming at each other. And then it cuts to Candy going, well, first of all, Kim's horrified. and then it cuts to Candy going well first of all Kim's horrified and then it cuts to Candy and she goes these women been saying bitch all day like bitch bitch you bitch bitch this bitch I'm not even sure which bitch is calling which bitch bitch

bitch and then eventually Portia just she just starts saying over and over again this how you want to be this how you want to be this how you want to be it was how you want to be this is how you want to be this is how you want to be and then it was like a countdown because at the 10th one all of a sudden she gets up and it cuts away it's like the snooze button and you know there's something about the way borgia fights because we saw it the last time she pulled this shit out she doesn't just smack a bitch she stood up and kicked her in the face

like that knee was coming out and then it cut to black she was about to stil and kicked her in the face. Yeah, she got up. That knee was coming out, and then it cut to black. She was about to stiletto Cynthia in the face. What the hell? And then the scenes for next week, Portia is being subdued by a guy, and she is writhing as if she's being tasered by the Chez Lounge.

She is a beast when she gets mad. Oh, yeah. And Kenya's gonna milk it. I'm not taking it anymore! And just went crazy. Oh, yeah. And Kenya's going to milk it. I'm not taking it anymore! And just went crazy. Well, you know Kenya's going to milk it. She'll be like, you know, when Portia attacked me,

you know, I felt so lonely and scared. I mean, I was traumatized by Portia. Of course. Now you know what it feels like when you're attacked and abused and your friends don't believe you. Or they don't take sides. Oh, shut up.

Go back down the ditch. You get the police to come. Because I can't get the police to come. I'm waiting for a contract. And then those police, they're going to come. They're going to come to my house before they come to your house. And he's like, but I'm the bigger victim. I don't know.

They're all ridiculous. This is a little too made up i mean look you've got sheree who can't get a house built is possibly going back to her ex-husband is about to beat the shit out of this tammy girl that's amazing then you've got this tammy girl saying ignorant shit that her husband's like nazi white over in the corner then you've got who else is actually interesting candy telling people to stay together because you know they don't want to die alone the actual interesting ones don't get any time it's these bitches making shit up i do not like it don't like it well we'll get rid of it we'll have to see how it plays out next week and for now we can just uh move we can head across to california just down the street from us to west hollywood and see what's going on in the world vanderpump rules opens i think we should

open our recap of vanderpump rules like okay you know how ladies of london have their like powerful pop positive girl pop or whatever yeah this show is so stupid that the songs don't even have words it's just like some person going annunciate all right first note on on Vanderpump Rules. Annunciation, darling. James working laptop in the pizza oven. What is this fucking song? Lisa working because glasses.

Like, I work. Look, I have glasses from CBS, too. Clean these menus. Yeah, so we open with a menu vacuuming meeting because those menus are fur. And Lisa's like, we need clean menus, darling. I need you to send someone out with a dart gun, grab me some pink

Muppets, darling, skin them and turn them into menus, darling. Go, Cheap Balls! Darling, I'm sending you on safari and I want you to come back with many hides. We're going to make them into menus. I'm going to send you to Nepal. I want you to come back with many hides. We're going to make them into menus. I'm going to send you to Nepal. I want you to come back with yak fur.

Yak fur. If a dust buster isn't afraid of these menus, they're not doing their job, darling. Chop, chop, get to work, darling. I've had someone come from the other restaurant to show you how to hunt Muppets. The menus at Pumpper made from entirely... Never mind.

So this, of course, everything that is work-related turns into a scene, and it's obviously work they never do, because anyone who's ever been to Sir knows that those menus have never been vacuumed, okay? There's, like, Krusty Boogers in that shit. You've got to wade through there to find the to find the food but anyway they're having a menu meeting but it's really sheena sobriety camp yes i'm gonna turn around she we're gonna go to the gym five times a day because he needs the least 10 pounds i'm like way to stress out a drug addict that's just what you do to an addict take away his other

thing food yeah exactly give him get let him have one vice yeah she's like no we're gonna have egg whites i'm like if there's anything that's gonna drive someone to drink is being forced to have egg whites egg whites you know what eating egg whites is like the only time you voluntarily eat egg whites is when you've hit your when you've hit your low okay it's just like going into rehab okay before you hit your low you don't voluntarily take on egg whites you take on egg whites because you realize if you don't take on egg whites you're not going to be able to go forward all right like there's no reason to voluntarily bypass okay yeah no or you just got cast to play captain america or something and they're like, egg whites. But otherwise, no. And especially

do not give your overweight drug addict husband a diet with no calories. And also if you're going to put your overweight husband on a diet, y'all, you start with one less bowl of Fruity Pebbles a day. You don't just take everything away, darling. You don't go from like 8,000

calories a day to 50. Who does that? Who are these people? Yeah, it's not going to last. So anyway, so she knows to talk about that. And then. Equites don't fix addiction, darling. So Lisa sees Jax passing by and he's carrying a box. To his car.

Lisa's like, Jax, come in here. She's like, I know he's stolen from me. And she lists all the shit he's stolen. We're still missing the toilet paper paper holder from the bathroom. I love that she's like, well, we know that Jack's a stolen. He's got cases of wine in his apartment.

But he's such a good bartender. We can't do without him. I'm like, if your employee is stealing bottles, it's one thing to steal paperclips, but stealing bottles? They're fired. They should be fired. No. Not absurd. She makes friends with people

who are broken anyway. She loves a bird that doesn't know how to fly right. She's like, your wing is broken, darling. Come here, let me tape it together and then watch you wobble down the street while I walk like a ballerina, darling. She has something about broken people, you know, but she never really fixes them. She just kind of plays with the broken parts and then just throws them down on the ground and moves on to another broken one.

Keeps them broken. Hanky, if you think you're getting better, you're wrong. She needs to be a mother. You'll all be sick for the rest of your life. She was probably the one poisoning Hanky in the first place. Munchausen! There's been drama in the pond and someone broke Hanky's leg.

I don't know who. Hanky's, like, terrified of her backing away slowly. Come to mommy, Hanky! Hanky's, like, in a bed. She's like, Hanky, what are you going to do with the characters in your next book?

Well, I was going to kill them off. No, Hanky, no! Psh! I mean, she named her pet after something somebody blows snot in okay that's like someone who loves a victim right there okay so lisa's talking to jacks and i mean yeah lisa's talking to jacks and they're talking about sheena and shea and he's like yeah but like the reason he's like uh like running is like he's running away from her because he has no voice uh yeah well i mean jax was right i'm not gonna say he was wrong i mean but it's like the most it's the easiest diagnosis you can see i mean he's addicted shea is addicted to painkillers

but yeah it's pretty obvious why i mean wouldn't you get addicted to painkillers if you lived in that apartment i would but it's not like Sheena just became like that. I mean, they were living together in that apartment. I mean, what's the difference now? Now he's got, maybe it's finally that he saw all those paintings of them on the wall where he just looks like a zombie. But she looks really happy. Like, she's always looking at another version of herself that's looking cuter and cuter. Each picture is looking at the other picture.

And then that picture is looking at the other picture. And they're all somehow always looking at sheena when she's sitting in the middle of the room but they're never looking at shay he just looks confused it's like well i seem to remember i seem to remember from season one or when he first started coming around shay was sort of like more like a homely guy he was just like this nice guy who was with sheena and over the seasons he's gotten more and more trying to be like Tom and Jax or whatever. And I kind of actually feel like there probably was an undercurrent of unhappiness with him. But I think he got a little caught up in everything. And he probably felt like a pressure to be a certain way and the fame and all that.

And Sheena, I mean, Sheena is overbearing and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But you know what? I'm not a therapist either. Sheena went from boning hot rich guys to try and get whatever, like the young Hollywood way to do it. And then that didn't really work out really well for her. And some girls who feel like a piece of meat, it's just like, look, it's a nice guy from my hometown.

I don't even care. He's nice. He'll take care of me, and he'll love me because he's not some crazy movie star who needs to have sex with 10 hookers a week. But then you are fame-hungry, so you end up on a reality show with other fame-hungry idiots, and you bring him to it. And of course he falls right into it. So you ended up with an overweight, lazy guy that you were going to accept that he wasn't hot because he wasn't like that. But now he's turning into that anyway.

It's like, what's the point? Yeah, I agree. Just keep him in Azusa, darling. If you're going to go for a different type, don't bring them to the town that ruined the hot one. So then one of my favorite moments of the entire episode was Tom getting lemon juice in his eyes.

He's like, ow! And then after that... Then after that... I didn't even notice that. I love it. It was a scene. I watched it twice. He's, like, squeezing a...

He's, like, juicing a lemon and he goes, ow! I got lemon juice in my eyes. What's that? So then Lala and James are, like, talking in this creepy way where, you know, like, James, like, stands there with, like, a hand on the wall.

He's like, yeah, last night was crazy, right? Like, oh, I was mixing everything, you know, the whiskey and the tequila and the beer and the fireball. And then he like rubs his nose in the gay cocaine. I'm like, oh, you're so creepy. Well, also, were you checking out his face in this? Because I know that I say on this show all the time, drugs, meth, drugs, meth. Let me tell you why I say that all the time. Because I live in this neighborhood where that restaurant is, and I see who's walking around the street, and they offer me that shit in the bars.

And guess what it is? Meth. It's taking over this whole town. It's not like I'm just picking people randomly and, like, accusing them of random things. That is crazy, crazy drug face. That guy was not even close to being sober. He's like talking too much, talking too fast, looking all over the place, making those crazy faces. So then Lala, they're talking about how they had a good makeup sesh.

And Lala says something very strange, which to me sounded like it was her way of like, I must say this on camera to make sure I'm in the clear. She goes, so you broke up with Kristen, right? And like, what a strange thing to confirm, like the day after you had a makeout sesh on camera. It was very much her way of being like, see, I had no idea if you are with Kristen because I am naive. I don't think you're with her, right? My initial judgment of Lala when we first saw her was there's something

behind her eyes that looks like she understands, but then when she opens her mouth, she falls for it every time. She's taking the sexual harassment from all these dudes as if it's flirting and smiling, but she looks like she's smarter than that. There's something behind her eyes. And this episode was when Lala took the lead. I was like she's smarter than that. There's something behind her eyes. And this episode was when

Lala took the lead. I was like, oh, Lala. Lala is no idiot. Lala worked every moron in this show this week like a fucking pro. And by the way, real life, gorgeous. It actually works.

You know, you saw her, you went to sir yeah when i went oh i didn't talk to you last week i went with um my friend kimberly and we saw james we talked to james oh he's like oh hello there welcome to you know it's like all like he was very nice but it's just like he is on there it's like yeah charming darling you should come watch me spin there girl you like to hear spinning and i said is tribal, like, world beats mixed with something? Because the music there is like... Yeah.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Yeah. It's got like... It's like that sassy, like, Argentinian pop music. Like, pink martini. Then, you know, the thing is that Lala... She was gorgeous. The end.

I'll drop it. She is gorgeous. But I feel like... I mean, is she auditioning for the local news? She has so much pancake makeup on that Lala... She was gorgeous. The end. I'll drop it. She is gorgeous. But I feel like... I mean, is she auditioning for the local news? She has so much pancake makeup on. Lala, dial it back. Let your beauty shine, Lala. Now, I know we can't be too mean to her.

We have to be nice to Lala. But I... Be nice to Lala, darling. Be nice to Lala. Well, she... She kind of a hoe, right? Like, we know that. So, look.

The girl wasn't taught makeup she was taught makeup by whoever she flies to saudi arabia with yeah that's true whatever she does her shit on me boats did we talk about that email that somebody sent us somebody sent us uh urban dictionary definition of porta potty which is a girl who goes with all these rich men these rich men wherever she's flying to get basically hosed but it's not for sex it's to like urinate or go poop on them or something she's like i think this girl's a porta potty and i thought you know what i love this audience i never would have known what the hell that was before and now every time i see lala i'm like no wonder she's nice like this person's not literally shitting on her so you know yeah as long as you

do it metaphorically she's fine with it so then speaking of shitters here comes kristen and uh she shows up and she needs to speak with james out back so um i love that james in the in a very stage scene james asked peter if he can go back, as if they ever asked for permission to go out back. And Peter's like, yeah, just don't leave me hanging with the music. I'm like, what, you have, are there like legions of fans out there waiting for the set to continue? Like, just press play

on, like, Spotify. Peter, if anybody knows how to press play on a CD player to get that Buddha bar from 11 years ago spinning again. It's you, darling. Yeah. So James goes outside and he sits down with Kristen.

And I love when Kristen has her formal behavior on. She's about to present some facts about something. And so he sits down and she's like, did you ask if you could step outside? He says, when did you care? And is like, drink, throw in, smoke in, yell in, waitress of of the year did you ask if you could step outside their procedures seriously seriously and then he's so out of it he's like oh yeah i asked about it you're cheating whore yeah he gets right into it he's like he's like yeah so i don't trust you i think you fucked someone and then we have this hilarious story about how kristen

kristen went to um michigan on the modeling shoot and if you if going to italy sounds suspicious which it didn't sound suspicious to me but if italy is considered suspicious i mean i don't even know i mean what's in what's in michigan what sort of photo shoot is happening in michigan i mean they're like a sausage store that needed like a new like winter circular coming out i mean what is happening in michigan that i was hired to deliver phone books to people's doorsteps it's a big deal okay i know it was like ridiculous so she went to michigan and um and then she went out and did not return james's text uh and she said my phone died and he got furious and believed that she was cheating which is i mean any

relationship where if you don't respond to a text within a certain amount of hours and then you immediately think that she's sleeping with someone that is that is not a good sign you do not want that in your relationship always cheating on each other and they both know about it so it's hilarious to hear them fight about it and this was so funny because he's like you were cheating you always turn off your phone kristin you always turn off your phone every time you go out of town something happens with your phone oh what's a miracle kristin and then it cuts with her telling the real story to us and she's like yeah well sometimes like i'm out and like yeah it's like sometimes my phone for a span of time she kept on saying a span of time you know there was a span of time when my phone died there's been a span of time when i don't write

back there's a span of time what transpired seriously seriously but she did make a point she's like well if i was gonna cheat on you i don't have to put my phone on silent i was like oh she has a point but then i also loved and they had this moment this like mexican standoff where he's like i don't want to be with you and she's like i don't want to be with you like oh god this is really great high level this is like i'm really then she like this was intercut with another scene which we can talk about in a minute but she she's basically telling she tries all these different tactics. The first is, you're a cheater.

But he's like, you cheating hole! Because he knew that one was coming. So then she starts with, you're a drug addict. So when it got to the point where he's just being belligerent and would not listen to any kind of sense, she totally turned on that, do you really want me to talk about what a drug addict you are right now on national television? Because I will tell your mother right now on tv because she's like you're just losing yourself because like you're partying all the time and like you know like going out and stuff seriously like you always have a running nose seriously seriously i just want to talk about your use of meth-fid acting while you're spinning.

I think you're having too much Coca-Cola. I just want to make it crystal clear what I'm saying right now, James. He's like, oh, really, darling? Really, girl? Because you're never going to get this booty again, darling. I don't think you're ready for this jelly, Miss Honeypie girlfriend. You're not ready for this jelly jam I preserves, honey.

I love that when he became like a sassy lady. He's like, see this? You're never going to have this ever again, Kristen. Honey, you ain't never going to have this young, good-looking thing ever again. He talks like a 70-year-old queen who just came out of a coma and listened to Beyonce for the first time

And is just repeating random gay things That he thinks he's supposed to say Like who taught him to speak It's like he got off the plane And the gay Asian busboy was there to meet him And talk to him Yeah cause he was wagging his finger He was practically voguing right there

I ain't never gonna get this Kristen Never gonna get it Never gonna get it Never gonna get it Never gonna get it Never gonna. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never gonna get it. Never gonna get it, never get it. He's like, to the left, to the left, Kristen, girl.

To the left, girl. I put your things in a box to the left, girl. All the DJs who are independent, throw your hands up at me. And she's like, I paid your telephone bill. I paid your automobile. Kristen, you're a bugaboo. You're a bugaboo.

Should I be nice to you? Why, Kristen? What did you give me, Kristen? You bought me lunch a couple of times, Kristen. What? You bought me lunch and bought me a couple of sweaters from the Salvation. Chris-Dan, girl. Girl, honeypot, step off the curb, girl.

She's like, yeah, well, actually, yeah. Like, paying the rent and getting you on a TV show and, like, buying you clothes. Yeah, that's called, like, helping you, you know? It's like, oh, really, Chris-Dan? Well, thanks a lot. Never ate the lunch, Chris-Dan. So, whatever, you cheating whore girl. Chris-Dan, I only ate the lunch of Bo's. I didn't have the lunch, okay? So it doesn't count.

It wasn't a real lunch. It's like circle snap. Alright. Hated it, girl. Shade, girl. So then he's like, you've played me for too long and I'm done. I'm like, you're the one who cheated on her twice already in this four week old season this is also a case of you used each other and now is done okay

obviously she talked about tom i think until last week only because they were like seriously you have to stop talking about it all because even in this she's like like i mean it's so sad because I think he was my best friend. Like, you know you're talking about James, right? Yeah, exactly. And I love how I think one of my favorite moments in this ridiculous fight was he goes, Guess how upset I am. Guess how upset I am. I'm not upset at all.

You're jokes. You're jokes. You're jokes. You're jokes. You're jokes, Chris-tan're a jokes You're a jokes You're a jokes, Kristen I'm not gonna let you get in the way I went from busboy to fully DJing Oh, that was amazing

That was amazing I went from busboy To now someone who stands in the pizza station Putting records on And then pouring water, Kristen Okay, it's called growth, Kristen I went from bus boy to car boy.

She's like, he's like Jekyll and hiding. Like, what the heck? Seriously? I've worked so hard on me. Seriously? Well, I've been to therapy and my therapist was like, you haven't been to therapy, you're the same as you were last

year, darling. All he needs is one of those really long cigarette holders. I was going to say, he needs like a John Waters mustache. And a ball gown that doesn't quite fit right. He just needs to be some shady drag queen you're not like really sure if it's on purpose or not. Maybe he is gay i mean the way he talks about his sexual conquest is so showy that it's it's it's almost bordering on like trying to prove something that he is not because he really he really queened out on on kristin i mean and and you know when you ever make us take

the side of kristin not because he was queening out but but he was being so over the top, and she was actually being pretty rational with him. And he's like, no, girl. Girlfriend. Get out of here, girlfriend. Live my life, girlfriend. That's right, girl. It's me, Miss Independence. All right, girl.

All right, then. Why don't you go back then? And then now you can go on the Google, girl. And you can do like your old boyfriends and stalk me. You can go to my Facebook, girl. I'm like, oh, no, darling. It's not old boyfriends. It's Tom.

So then we, after this ridiculous scene. Well, this was intercut with Lala. Lala talking about how terrified she is of Kristen, which was so funny. She's like, I've heard a lot about this Kristen chick. And this is like the part of the horror movie, you know, where it's like a hot girl. And then like she's hot. And then someone slashes her throat. Be nice to Lala, killer.

Listen here, Lisa Rinna. You take off that mask right now. Be nice to Lala. Freddy Krueger, you get out of Lala's dreams right now. Be nice to Lala. She needs her mama, not Freddy Krueger. Freddy, you just go. You need your mama too.

Freddy. Everyone be nice to Freddy also. Everyone was mean to Freddy. Everyone be nice to Freddy. So good. Be nice to Freddy Krueger. Darling, you've already set him on fire in the middle of the cul-de-sac. What else do you need to do to pull Freddy?

Freddy, I'll give you a job, darling. All right, Freddy. All right. You can work at the bar with Jax, all right? Just make sure he doesn't- Freddy's mother was a prostitute in Paris from Les Miserables played by Patti LuPone in a bowl gown, darling. Be nice to Freddy.

Frederick. Frederick. I'm going to call you Frederick now. You're a real man now. Pandy, go get Freddy some clothes. Be nice to Cedric. I mean, Frederick. Like she can't let it go.

Freddy Krueger's like, yeah, but I want to have sex with you and wear a thong in Muhammad's hot tub. Oh, darling, Freddy, get out of the hot tub. You're embarrassing Kyle Richards, Freddy Krueger. Hey, Lisa, Freddy keeps trying to lick me through the phone. Be nice to Freddy. He has no one to lick. There, give your cheek. Katie, give your cheek now.

Lick, Freddy. Go lick through the phone. Oh, what the hell were we even talking about? Okay, well, we're talking about how La La is. So good. No, no, I'm with you. I'm just like, what? Well, let's just move on.

Sometimes it gets to a point and I'm with it, but I still don't know what we're talking about. We're just going to move on. Just trust the process. We're moving on. So Sheena, now it's time for the cooking lesson. And Tom and Ariana come over to give a lesson on how to make an omelet. So Sheena has all these ambitions. She's like, I only know how to cook bad things.

I want to learn how to cook semen. That's how she says salmon is semen. Salmon. I want to make salmon. I want to smell semen. Because they have salmon is semen. Salmon. I want to make salmon. I want to smell salmon. Because they have salmon on the menu. And how many times has she suggested semen to people? And they just die. You know they die every time.

They're like, this is a gay restaurant. Cyclops and air specials are a pumptini with grilled semen. And they're like, whoa, it's a pump and a finish, darling. And a grill. Just put some rice on my face the next morning. We've got ourselves a one-night stand. So anyway, um... So this is Tom's new business, I guess,

because every housewife has a business, and it seems like Tom is going to be some kind of healthy cook or something. Because he's like, yeah, I like to cook. Like, I'm like Rocky's trainer. You know, like, I want him to be like Rocky's trainer. I want Shay to be like a mountaintop. I'm like, done.

Goal accomplished. Set higher goals, darling. Yeah. So he made a healthy breakfast, and I immediately felt shame because I had an unhealthy breakfast today. But that's my own issue. I felt like, fuck you, thin people. I'm not eating like that.

Broccoli and egg whites. Gross. He's like, it's organic broccoli and organic oil and organic salt and organic egg whites. I'm like, how are you listing 20 organic ingredients in a two-ingredient dish? Get these fucking eggs and broccoli out of my face before I meet you. Like disgusting. So then when we go back to Sir, and Jax is

making a drink for Tom Schwartz, and Jax's shirt is now fully open to the navel, and I am going to body shame Jax. He is soft. And I'm speaking as someone who is soft, okay? I am soft, but I'm a podcaster. He is a model bartender.

He cannot be soft like that. Jax, button up and start eating some organic broccoli and egg whites because things are going wrong. Very Jax. Jax is old enough to see things repeat. He's old enough to see trends come and go. The 80s are back. The 90s are back. He's just waiting for those Garbage Pail Kids cards to be traded again because he's going for it.

My God, man. What the hell are you doing to your face? Every time I press it and it's pausing on Jackson's face, I'm fucking... I just feel terrible for him. It's an addiction. We know what he used to look like. It used to be amazing. I know. Darling, if Shay can

stop eating the Cheerios, you can stop with the face. Stop it. Stop adding things to your face, darling. Exactly. At the very least, shave the ratty beard. It just is adding to the problem. So then a sommelier comes to sir, which cracks me up.

Like any of these morons are going to be able to remember what the sommelier teaches them. Every week, Lisa's having new people come train them and i think it's so funny that she has to train these people and of course it's not the regular staff so uh this show is so typical of hollywood it puts all the minorities and the fat people in these weird minor roles there were two overweight waitresses this time i was so happy and they actually weren't fame whores they were were like normal, nice people. So they had like bit parts. So Vanderpump Rules can be like, well, we've got Shay and Azusa and then two bigger people here. And then look, look at all the minorities in the background.

It's like you go to a big Hollywood movie and they're like, look, there's a few Asians scattered here and there. And a couple of black people standing back there by the building that's about to blow up. The only minorities have to actually learn the things. Yeah, but that was an example of high comedy watching people like Sheena get wine lessons. Where's the LEA?

I thought there was some LEA coming through. Acting like she just pulled off a miracle by getting a cork out of a bottle. Really? How long have you worked here? Like, well, look. First you go, you press it in. And then, like, you use this little part in the middle to kind of move the cork up.

But then you're like, it's not coming up. So then you move it up. And then you move the other part. And then you pull up even though it's pushing down. This is what I'm going to do to Shay's addiction. I'm going to uncork it. And we're going to fix it. If Shay takes, like, seriously.

I told Shay, if you take, like, one more pill, like, I'm filing, like, for divorce. And Lisa goes, I'm sorry. This is skipping back. I'm only doing this because it's amazing. Lisa goes, darling, what are you doing with Shay? I'm going to take one more pill. That's it. Oh, goddammit.

I forgot what I was even talking about because now I'm looking at the wrong scene. Moving on, darling. I'm so sorry. If Shay. Kristen, Shay, Rachel. Oh, Kristen and Rachel at lunch. I don't. We can go there now, right?

No, well, I just was, before even that, I was amused because Jax tries to tattle on lala and james you know making out he tattles to to lisa he's like what about the new no fratization policy and this is like fratization you mean fraternization and and he's like yeah lala and james are making out and she's like do not sabotage lala i know you're trying to sabotage Lala and James She will not let anything What are you trying to do? Sabotage Lala? Don't sabotage Lala Don't

There's certain things that are off limits Someone sounds a little bitter You were the coke of the walk I love when Lisa says stuff like that You were the coke of the walk The rooster on the The rooster at the cock of the walk. The wrists are on the, the wrists are at the top of the morning, eh? The crumpets at the top of the chimney.

Like my cock has never walked. You were the cock of the walk. And then this other little meth head comes in. It's a little, a little blonde, smooth ass. Don't sabotage. Spill all your faces before you know it,

he's going to have changeable noses, darling. Listen, the three things that are off limits, all right? Lala, hanky, and Pandy's purse, okay? Don't talk about any of them, all right? That's all I say. Don't talk about any of them. Be nice to Pandy's purse, darling. Be nice to Pandy's bowling bag.

It's her favorite sport. Bowling bag. It gets bigger and bigger every time. Be nice to Pandy's rolling suitcase, darling. Sitting on her lap. Be nice to Pandy's hefty bag full of dried leaves. She was doing something good for the community. Be nice to her.

No, Pandy's not a child. She's just in a gigantic chair. Be nice to Pandy. Be nice to Cherry. No, Pandy's not a child. She's just in a gigantic chair. Be nice to Pandy. Be nice to Cherry, too, while you're at it. Cherry. Oh, God. Thank God chairs don't talk. Could you imagine couch desk? Okay, so Kristen goes to lunch with

this boring comic girl that we saw last year named Rachel. It was stupid. They just talk. I mean, nothing happened in this scene. The only thing that happened in this scene is that I made a vine of her saying, yeah, there's this new girl named Lala. And the other girl goes, Lala? So I have a vine that goes, this new girl, Lala? Lala?

This new girl, Lala? Lala? I could play it if I could find it. Lala? She's like, yeah, I just don't understand James because, like, I mean, his ego is like, it just grows so fast. It's like a chia pet growing. Calm down, you know? Like, it's like when I had my first chia pet and I was like, oh, you're growing too fast.

Calm down, chia. And I thought, you know, that's actually really interesting because the chia pet is like some odd looking little thing that isn't anything until someone else comes by with water and fills it, like pours the water on it. I'm like, what a perfect way to describe a busboy, darling. Darling. Well, and you don't know if he's a head or a little animal. You can choose what you want it to be. And he's just leaving seeds everywhere.

You never know where that grass is going to grow, y'all. And he hasn't been cool for 20 years. And he probably cost $19.99. Let's not fool ourselves. James Copley, the whore. So then, let's see, Peter cut off his ponytail, which was sort of amusing. Who cares?

And then the girls got their nails done, which was like, whatever. Well, this was great, because this turned into the Sheena girl talk therapy, because Sheena never listens to anybody anyway. So they're in this, like, little trailer, and she's like, Yeah, well, have you guys heard

about Lala? And then she tells us, Yeah, Lala, this is why we don't want you around, because you're the type to make out with other people's boyfriends. Really, Sheena? Seriously? Seriously.

Yeah, I know. Exactly, Sheena. You're the one who also used the same line that Lala did, which was that, I didn't know that they were still together. He told me they weren't. Just because they're my fault.

So, she was telling them about Shane. She's like, remember how last week he was a heroin addict? Well, now he's okay. It's so great. We were just like, let's just pretend that whole thing didn't happen. And they're like, she's smiling. I think she had new teeth today. I don't know why her teeth were so giant, but I think she got them between weeks.

But she's smiling and she's like, we're just ignoring it. And they're both looking away awkwardly. And Katie, queen of the awkward relationship, goes, you know, it's just sometimes, Sheena, it takes a lot of time to work through these issues. Like Tom made a promise in six months he might talk about maybe asking me to marry him in another five years like this stuff doesn't happen overnight okay I'll break up I'll tell my feet text literally I'm our pal

literally I'm like looking away awkwardly lol on James I just wrote yay waitress two fat waitresses in a row this is my life what kind of LA is this? There's finally equality. Yeah. So yeah, they

were getting a burger. La La and James were getting a burger. And I don't remember really what they talked about, but the only note that I wrote in this scene is that James wants to make a track with La La. Yeah, you gotta come by. We'll make a track. Then we can play it at Sir. Be huge.

Are you talented? You're pretty good, aren't you, girl. We'll make a track. Then we can play it at Sir. Be huge. We'll make... Are you talented? You're pretty good, aren't you, girl? You wanna make a track? Yeah, you wanna make a track? Hey, take a good look. It's the last time you'll ever get an opportunity to make a track with a face like this. So she was saying, yeah, he's usually not my type. Like, usually I go for a steak.

But this time, I'm like, wow. Who needs to get shit on a boat when I could just date a tuna sandwich? It's kind of soggy and no one eats. Why go for a Redwood when I can just have a toothpick? So then she says something really weird that I don't get. She was talking about how she'll go up against Kristen if she

has to, and she's like, if she messes with these little softies, I was like, what? I didn't understand what she said, but I couldn't rewind it. But at this point, I was like, i don't have a lot of faith in you lala boy was i wrong so the next song they're coming to sir so it's like the camera on sir and she's like the song is catch me i'm falling and i just thought how fitting is this it's fucking wine training at sir it's like yeah i'm falling i know and i is this? This fucking wine training at CERN. It's like, catch me, I'm falling. I know, and I misspoke, because the wine training happened now.

Previously, they just were merely talking about going to a wine training. So now this is when Laz, Laz the sommelier, comes through. But we already talked about the training. But I love how afterwards, she's just like, I mean, this is literally the first time I've had free goat cheese balls in front of me, and I haven't eaten them. I've, like, turned over a new leaf. Like, I think I cured addiction, because I'm not even having free goat cheese balls in front of me and I haven't eaten them. I've like turned over a new leaf. Like I think I cured addiction because I'm not even having the goat cheese balls.

I like can't even believe that someone offered me goat cheese balls right now. How are you going to have happy hour with goat cheese balls, which don't make me happy. So she, uh, this wine training thing was hilarious because they keep,'re torturing fay i mean faith yeah why did they keep every clip they show someone fucking up it's faith on her first day i don't was that i don't think that was faith actually that when they showed the pinot noir thing oh i thought it was i wrote faith why i thought it was a different waitress i don't know i wasn't paying attention i don't know but i was like i wasn't totally looking at the screen they're like flashback to faith being a terrible waiter i'm like jesus christ like I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. I don't know, but I was like, I wasn't totally looking at the screen. They're like flashback to Faith being a terrible waiter. I'm like, Jesus Christ,

you don't have five years of footage of everybody else being terrible. Why are you picking on the new girl? And she says, she's asking her in the flashback, I'm getting a steak, darling. What kind of wine do you suggest pairing with it? She's like, um, Pinot Noir? No,

it's not full-bodied, darling! And then she tells us, you have to know the dominating flavors of the food! I'm like, honey, your menus are crusty fur from the Michaels, and this

shipment was made from someone by the Food Network star who was terrible, and made everything with her vagina. And it's all bad. I've eaten it a million times. When you're serving fried goat cheese balls, I don't think you have to worry too much about whether or not Pinot Noir pairs well with the Salisbury steak.

The only thing that would pair well with that is Capri Sun, which Sheena already knows. Just let the woman do what she knows, okay? Yeah. Oh, and I have to say, how dare you act like this is a fancy restaurant? When I went there, we ordered goat cheese balls

because, I mean, you have to, right? So we ordered goat cheese balls and guess what we got instead? What? Goat cheese empanadas. Who does that? Who does that? It was like phyllo dough y'all bought

from the fucking Costco and wrapped some frozen goat cheese up in and over fried it. Get the hell out of here with your $10 goat cheese. Pump is where the real action is. That's what Chef Penny is. And I actually enjoyed my tuna tartare at Pump. But anyway, so then. I mean, it's raw tuna, Ben.

Yeah, that's true. Like tossed in some acid. Yeah. Well, good on you, Chef Penny. really you kicked it out of the park um so i don't know or hit it out of the park you don't kick things out of the park chef penny stop playing kickball get back in the kitchen so this was that lisa and sheena meeting and sheena's like it's going great but like i don't want egg whites i want eggs and bacon lisa's like darling that's not what we're talking about. Addiction, all right?

What's going on with the addiction? I hate bacon. No, darling. What is Shay doing right now? Is Shay on drugs right now? Is he working? Where is he? She's like, I don't know.

He's at home. He doesn't work. He needs to work. I promised me he would stare at our photos all day until he loved me again. Why would you leave someone on drugs alone at home? I've got three versions of myself staring at him from the wall. They'll tell me. Yeah, Sheena.

She's like, Shay, I'm looking at you from over there, from over there, and from over there. They're all like Harryter newspapers where they come alive so you know the thing is sheena is i would not say doing a great job with shay's aftercare perhaps because then the next scene is it's like at night at the club and the whole gang has gone to this club and sheena is there and she's like she, well, my options were to either stay home with Shay or go to the Kristen show. So I chose the Kristen show. I'm like, your husband is recovering. He's in, like, the early stages of recovery.

And you're going to just leave him home. And it's just a reminder of what he's missing out on. You have to be there with him and, like, just show that, like, that this is like that like that there can be a life without booze because he can be there with you i was like you are like you can't have it both ways either she's causing him to be a drug addict because she's so crazy and it's good for her to be out of the house or i mean you know we can't we can't give two kinds of advice like if it's her causing it it's probably good that she's not drinking yeah Yeah, that's true. She's like, I say I'm not drinking. And he's like, thank God.

Another night without heroin. Yeah. I don't need to do any oxy tonight. But that was really funny. He's like, he's only at home with a remote control. It's not like he can snort that. I'm like, God. There's going to be an extra big drug test tonight.

So then. He's at home working on our big drug test tonight. So then they're at the- He's not home working on our marriage. He doesn't need a job. How hard do you have to work on the marriage? You're never even around. You didn't even know he was doing drugs until you heard it on TV. Get out of here. Well, anyway, so at the club, James comes in with Lala,

and they're sitting there, and he's got his hand, like, sort of around her, and now they've, like, they've really accelerated in the span of, like, 48 hours to, like, walking around like a little couple, and, um, they're like, yeah, we just had, Lala's like, yeah, we just, we just made out, we just made out, and just went on a date, it's like, no big deal, whatever, da-da-da-da-da. So in walks Kristen, and we are waiting for craziness to happen. But the craziness does not come from Kristen. It comes from James. James is like totally unhinged.

He's like, oh, oh, you can talk to Jax. You can talk to Jax. You can talk to old Jaxie boy. We can go sleep with Kristen again, old Jaxie boy. Everyone's like, even Jax is like, James, just be quiet. Oh, look, there's slutty girl kristine oh kristine you're gonna sit on jack's chimney stack then mate are you talking this is not mary poppins okay

yeah like just because she says something to him does not mean that she's gonna sleep with him again okay just well i mean it might but like just just relax well he knew that she was there for drama so i guess he was just playing the wrong scene yeah and so then lala is like finally lala is disgusted by this guy for temporarily at least and she's like she's like have some respect have some respect for kristin it's not nice don't do that i don't want your arm around me oh you're not fun now you're not fun now you're not fun fun police have come well i'm a woman and women to women like it's like i understand how she feels okay now here's where lala wins my heart

and she's gonna be on the show forever and here's how you know she works everybody she doesn't give a shit what those girls think she knows they're all bitches and she also knows james is a total dude she's seen how he talks to her he's also seen how he talks about everyone else, and she also knows that he's doing drugs and fucking around. So she's not looking in for that. So she's here, and she knows what she has to do, and it's very easy getting rid of him or throwing him under because he's, like, totally wasted and she doesn't care.

So she knows that in order to make it at this restaurant, you've got to have the girls on your side. Listen, men come and go. But a woman will fuck up your face. She'll fuck up your life. Okay? And she's smart. She is one.

So she's like, listen, us hoes got to stick together, y'all. This is Saudi Arabia. We need to link arms and make it to the airport. That's one. We can fight on the plane, darling. Well, she played it exactly right. She went out. She sat down with Kristen.

And, you know, she was like, you know, tried to clear the air and everything. And Kristen's like, yeah, so James walked around and said that you were a slut and you liked to dress slutty. And then you were super, super slutty. But we were totally still together when you guys dress slutty and that you were super, super slutty. But we were totally still together when he got his man out. We were totally together. And Lala, first of all, Lala had the exact right read on it, which is, well, James probably liked me and had to cover it up by acting like he hated me. So she got that right. But she did the correct thing, which is that she pretended like she um was disgusted and she's telling

kristen like oh i am that's awful that's awful and james comes by he's like hello girls and she's like i don't really want to talk to you like we're both offended right now and kristen was smiling ear to ear like she you know like like she had no idea james was cheating or being a pig, I love it. And when Lala said that, if he calls me a slut, I guess it makes it okay. That's the kind of thing that makes me feel for Lala. Because she is way too young to already know what it's like to be used up like that by douchebag men. And she already knows. That girl is hardened.

You can see it in her eyes. She's definitely got like 70-year-old madam eyes. She's like, I was a hoe and then I sold hoeses and now i'm just a hoe with a garage sale or whatever she has those like knowing eyes and it made me very sad but it also made me very proud because i was like look at this girl she's been hardened by men but now she knows how to not only manipulate them and get what she needs but but manipulate all the women too. That's a pretty good girl. Atta girl.

So she makes him look like an asshole. She gets Kristen on her side because she's both a woman victim and she's like a James victim. So they're in on that. Also, like Kristen wins the point or whatever. Then they go inside and she just lets James come along and start his shit and he falls right into it and says you're being a basic bitch right now girl which is like another total gay thing to say yeah yeah basic

bitch like really are you gonna circle snap her now he's like he's like top or bottom you looking looking mask are you mask these are all grinder terms for the the straight people in the oh i didn't even know you can tell it god you can tell i'm not an internet whore this is how people it's gonna laugh anyway even though i don't know what you're talking about no this is this is how like grinder conversations start looking that's usually the first question that's like top or bottom and then like you mask stuff like that what does you mask mean like as in are you masculine oh oh i thought you meant like facial mask and i was like yes please for the entire cast that would be great

yeah so anyway he calls her basic bitch which is really obnoxious to say to someone who you're hooking up with i mean he's really got he's got a real problem well that's not cool because i'm not a slut and a whore with because i'm not paid for sex like which would be totally dope by the way but i know for sure i'm not basic and sheena's like you're not allowed to say bitch like you're not allowed to call somebody that and i I'm like, so not a feminist. Like, I'm totally not for equal rights for women. But don't call them a bitch. Yeah.

It's degrading. I'm not a feminist. Shut the fuck up, you idiot. Who says that? What woman says I'm not a feminist? You're not for equal rights for women, you fucking moron. Well, you just have to look at her season one dance performance, and now she's not a feminist. Listen, any girl like Sheena who could actually dump the married guys, keep a job waiting table, and marry a normal guy from Azusa.

I mean, that's like, I guess that is, is that reverse feminine? I don't know. You know what? We're going to get into a conversation I don't even know how to get out of because I'm not even sure what Sheena's doing now and I'm thinking way deeply, way deeply about it than she ever will. So let's just let it drop. I'm not a feminist!

I'm not a feminist. I just crush a lot. So that was pretty much the episode. Anyway, so that's it. So we, gosh, on Thursday, we have a big show. We're going to get into Beverly Hills. We'll do a big thing on Beverly Hills, I'm sure.

We probably won't get too deeply into Top Chef. Top Chef is a two-night premiere. I mean, I think we'll... It is? Yeah, two-night premiere. Whoa. But, you know, we never get too deep into Top Chef Anyway, we probably won't do like a full full recap

But we'll talk about the ones we like And I'm sure we'll have Ron and I are going to have some very special insight And in fact keep your eyes peeled You might just see us Keep your eyes peeled in episode one You might just see us We can't tell you what we were doing

But you might see us Spoiler alert, I'm playing Gail Simmons this year I have like 12 terribly patterned floral dresses from Ashley. What is that? Laura Ashley that I will be bringing out this season. And a bun. Walshout. Walshout.

I had a dream I was friends with Padma two nights ago. It was really cool. My name dropping has now gotten to the point where I'm doing the dream dropping. Did you say really rude things to me? Were you like, okay, Gail, your mouth is full, so great. I'm full, but my dear friend Gail Simmons

could surely finish this up. I wish I had the same appetite as my good friend Gail. Here you go, Gail. You know, this really isn't for me, but you can give it to Gail. I mean, she'll eat anything. Give her rubber shoes, she'll eat it. Hello, chefs.

Welcome to a quick fire challenge. I can't wait for robotic pad. So we have that. So we have Beverly Hills. We have Top Chef. We're gonna touch on the Below Deck Part 2 reunion, but we probably won't go too in- depth than that

either and then we have chasha we have so much coming up so i guess we can't do a five hour podcast about all of these shows so we're gonna have to make it quick we're gonna try to i'm gonna try not to take 37 hours you know that right i'm here's what i'm not going to take i'm gonna i'm gonna try to reduce the amount of notes i take because I feel like the more notes that I take, the more things I talk about. So that's my contribution. So I'm going to try to reduce. Beverly Hills, I'll give the full force Beverly Hills because it's Beverly Hills. The other ones I'll be good about.

We'll see when it comes. I'm not going to come with a plan. I'm just going to come talk. And then I'm going to be super vigilant for when you're going with your brain and try to do that. Sound like a marriage to you, darling? It's a marriage to me.

I'll be like, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. Talk just enough so that he's annoyed, but not enough that he leaves. I'm never annoyed. I'm never annoyed. That's what your husband would say, darling. I'm never annoyed.'m never annoyed I'm never annoyed I just get impatient I'm married well darling

Now sit in this car while I go in the store And try on some skirts Darling let's just go to the Amalfi Coast For nine years in a row and see what happens Everybody Thanks for listening to Watch What Crappens The usual Come to watchwhatcrappens.com Patreon.com slash whatcrapp. The usual. Come to watchwhatcrappens.com, patreon.com slash whatcrappens,

and facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens. Leave your questions for the mailbag over at patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens, and go over there to get your ringtones and your below deck Kate Chastain, I don't know, texting emotion gifts ors or whatever You kids are calling them these GIFs are like over and I'm into it Finally darling, there you go I'm gonna be like Bam I got a Playstation

Oh my god darling it's over Let it go Everybody we love ya, we'll see you next time I'm not gonna let it go Ronnie just to spite you, I'm gonna keep on talking Let it go let it go, Ronnie, just to spite you. I'm going to keep on talking. Let it go. Let it go.

Let it go. Let it go, Shay. Stop with the painkillers. Ah, Shay, it's just Oxy. Let it go. Shay, the sooner you let it go, the sooner we can get back to eggs and bacon. Yeah, but the only reason he's doing that is because she's more of his mother than his wife. Darling, I don't know what you're talking about. That'll never help in a marriage.

Can someone please change Ken's diaper? Give him his bottle, darling. Pandy, get one of the diapers out of your giant bag. Your father needs one. Oh, my God. That's what it is. Mystery solved. It may be a five-hour podcast, but at the end, we solve a mystery.

We figured it out. We figured it out. It's not her own baby bag. It's for her dad. All right. We figured it out. Freddy Krueger and Krampus, you can go now. Be nice to Freddy and Krampus.

Be nice to Krampus. Oh, wait, you're dead. Never mind, child. All right, next child. Be nice to Krampus. All right, they're dead, too. Krampus, stop drowning the children before I tell them to be nice to you, darling. Krampus, we're trying to turn things around for you, and we keep on taking children to hell.

Why do you do that, Krampus? I'm on your side now, Krampus. Here's an olive branch, Krampus. Ow, why did you slap me in the face with that, Krampus. I'm on your side now, Krampus. Here's an olive branch, Krampus. Ow! Why did you slap me in the face with that, darling? The problem is that I reached out to Krampus. I didn't reach out to Krampus. I reached out to Krampus who is addicted to painkillers. It's not the same, Krampus.

Krampus, you're killing me. I mean, I was better friends with Banana Foster over there. Krampus, okay, quickly. What wine pairs well with the steak? Tell me. Santa would be, I mean, Yolanda would be like, Oh, hello, you're Krampus? Oh, so like Santa Claus, but not?

Okay, other one. That's not my name. Okay, what, what? Oh, maybe go get mommy a newspaper from the outside. Krampus, will you go down to the man with the little mermaid towels And get me one to cry into? Thank you, Krampus Oh, I'm reading in the tabloids that Krampus is dating the weekend That's the only thing she's asking for in the divorce

She's like, I know I didn't have contract But please somebody take care of the little mermaid towel seller on our property. I thought you were going to say, listen, I don't care if I get to have anything, just make sure I get Gigi. You can take the other one. You can take the Krampus one.

The Krampus one. I want a good Santa. Oh, but could you imagine, though? She'd be like, Gigi, how many almonds did you eat? Oh, no. Gigi, just because they leave you cookies there doesn't mean you're supposed to take them. Those are for Krampus. Those are for your Krampus sister.

Don't you know that even smelling a cookie can make your nose bigger? Don't you watch the Pinocchios oh my god oh my come in here oh where's the little lesbian one come in here come in here short hair alright let go of basketball come to mother I groom you you will be mine

oh Yolanda feel better over there feel better that was our Yolanda. Feel better over there. Feel better. That was our Yolanda hug. Feel good? Did that feel good? I just like that you made Gigi Santa and the other one Krampus. But then she killed them both and was nice to Anwar finally.

Oh, is that who the other one was? Is that who the little one was that you're talking about? The little lesbian one is Anwar over in the corner. Oh, I didn't realize. I thought Anwar was just an elf at this point. To Yolanda, it probably is. She's like, oh, look. That little lesbian over there is moving.

I thought this was statue. I thought you were one of the five tenets that we left in the refrigerator too long. Come to mama. Oh, I thought you were one of the five tenners that we left in the refrigerator too long. Come to mama. Oh, I thought you were still skin. I'm so sorry. So David gets all the money. But who gets the five tenners in the basement? Because you know they're still in there.

That goes to the guy on the corner selling Little Mermaid towels. They're going to be like, Isn't it rich? Isn't it neat wouldn't you think my collection's complete I'm selling you Little Mermaid pals on PC8

uh don't you think I was the girl that had everything you know how it all comes full circle back to the Little Mermaid eh towel guy uh yeah in English Bumps full circle back to the little mermaid. Hey, towel guy. Yeah. In English.

All right. Now it is officially done. It is officially done. Now Ben is officially in the backseat of the car waiting for me to finish in the department store. Love you guys. See you next time. Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime time. Bye. Bye.