Watch What Crappens - #2465 House of the Dragon S02E01: Rats In Peace

Episode Date: June 19, 2024

House of the Dragon is back!  And it’s bringing all the good stuff we’ve come to expect from the Game of Thrones universe:  dragons, intrigue, and horrifying murder.  The feel-good TV show of the year!  Watch this recap on video  and listen to all of our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Tune in for a fresh yachty drama on brand new episodes of Below Deck Mediterranean airing now. And once you're hooked, revisit classic seasons of all the franchises, including Below Deck Sailing Yacht, Adventure, and Down Under, all available on HeyU. You know that we've watched every single episode of Below Deck. We have not only watched them, we've talked about them endlessly.

We obsess over them. Below Deck is so good, and it is such a amazing source of petty, petty drama. If you're not watching it, you're really missing out. Slide into summer with Below Deck, new episodes airing now. Watch all seasons and spin-offs of Below Deck on HeyU. That's H-A-Y-U dot com. She was a romance mystery writer.

They glommed on the fact that she writes stories like this. There are murders in all of the books. From Wondery, the makers of Ghost Story and Feta, this is a story about a murder that rocked my little community. Binge all episodes of Happily Never After ad-free right now on Wondery+. 1, 2, 3, 4 Hello and welcome to Winter is Crappening. It's a Watch Our Crappens recap show of House of the Dragon. I'm Ben Mandelker joining me today on our premiere recap of season two of House of the Dragon. I'm Ben Mandelker joining me today on our premiere recap of season two of House of the Dragon.

Mr. Ronnie Karam, hi Ronnie, how's it going? Well, hello, Ben. Wow, we are back. House of the Dragons is back for people. This show goes out on two different feeds. We have the winter is crappening feed, and if you're listening to us on winter is crappening, we also have Watch Where Crappens, which you probably already know about,

but just in case you don't check us out and watch for crappens. If you're listening on watch for crappens and are like, I just want to hear the game of Thrones coverage, check out winter is crappening. And your life might be better or simpler, more simpler or more enriched by it. But either way, we are back today to talk house, the dragon, which has been gone for, I think, like two years. It's been a long time. It finally returned and we are excited to dive into

the season two premiere. Ronnie, what did you think? Well, it's gonna be hilarious doing this recap because normally we write the notes. So our notes are usually like question marks and who is this person or whatever. And this season we have someone helping with notes which is great.

These tonight it's Chelsea, a girl named Chelsea who we love. Thank you Chelsea for this. And so this is somebody who actually knows what's going on. And so they are writing names and descriptions. So I'm interested to see if this is gonna make us sound more knowledgeable. Cause I will tell you, I don't remember a lot. It's a lot of time to pass when you're an older person. I'm interested to see if this is gonna make us sound more knowledgeable, because I will tell you, I don't remember a lot.

It's a lot of time to pass when you're an older person. I'm getting older, I don't remember anything, and I certainly don't remember what the hell happened two years ago. I looked this shit up on the YouTube. I watched a, like, what happened in season one thing on YouTube that explained everything to me in 20 minutes. Half of that, I was like, what? Yeah. What was that?

And that was that person's brother. He killed his own brother and father just to get, be nice to the queen, you know, that little slimy guy did that. Yeah, Larry. And I forgot that. There's a lot that I forgot. So I'm very excited, but at the end of the day,

it's still just a good old fashioned soap opera. It really is. Here's what I need. I need HBO to pull up on their previous last season on House of Dragons recaps, because that thing went on for four minutes and was not helpful at all. It was like these micro clips

and they were strung together so quickly. It was like, I spoke to Alakha Thies and they want you in the storehouse. The storehouse is burned down. I run this city. It was because of me that you're on the crown. It's a dragon. I'm your uncle. He's dying. I love you though, but do you love me? And I was like, my head was going back and forth. I rewound that recap so many times to try to piece

together things and try to remember what was going on. And I got like about like 60% of it, but it was just too fast for me. I was like, why? Why is that lady claiming that it was because of this? And why is that because of that? And why are they tense again? And it was, I really had to work hard to jog my memory and get it all back up to current speed. We might have the audience right now

asking a very simple question. Why would I listen to you for this recap? Because you're idiots and you don't know anything and admittedly remember nothing about this show. So here's why we don't care. We're just here to laugh to the dresses. Because we watched the show like you did. Because we all watched the same show

and we have reactions. Don't watch, don't listen to us because of knowledge. Because we do not have that. Just listen to it for fun. Yes, we do have that. So that's why. There are so many good smart things to go listen to. If you need something smart, go listen to those.

That's never why you come to Watch What Crappens, okay? Never come for the intelligence, okay? So we start with duty is sacrifice. And I was like, oh, fucking A, are you gonna lecture me about taxes, line one? How about you suck my dick, Uncle Sam? How about that, okay? I don't need to hear about voting.

Go vote and pay your guy damn taxes, okay? I don't need that. I already paid for my HBO Max. That's all I'm paying for. So this is the voice, we hear a deep voiced voice over that winds up being Lord Stark. Thank you, Chelsea, because I would have been like, turns out it was a guy, but it was Lord Stark. And he's what we are what we eventually find out is that

Lord Stark is going up the big old elevator up the wall, the big wall in the north. And this is what he's saying on the elevator. Duty is sacrifice. It eclipses all things, even blood. All men of honor must pay its price. The North is a great duty to the seven kingdoms, one older than any oath, since the day it's the first." I was like, you know what? How about like, how are you? God, this is a long elevator ride. It's cold, huh?

Like could you imagine being stuck on an elevator with someone talking like this? Yeah, it's been a long time. But basically what's happening is it's the watch. We're going back to the night's watch. We're going back to the night's watch. We're going back to the wall. And so that is why we're being lectured. It is governmental. And I fucking knew it from the first line when they were like duty.

I was like, oh, God, here we go with the fucking government, because that's always where you hear that shit. And sure enough, it's like this, you know, the night's watch where you send your firstborn to get his ass murdered by a white walker to prove that you're like I don't know a good citizen or whatever shit. They've got a brainwashed into believing over there So the prince is Lord Stark is coming to visit the wall for the first time and basically He's there to guilt them into giving men for this war right and he's like, um, hi, we already have a war

It's against zombies Right. And he's like, I'm high. We already have a war. It's against zombies. Okay. So I don't really know what you think you're up against, but we're up against some pretty scary motherfuckers. Okay. Now, sure. Does it end up where a little girl just is curled forward with a crazy magic dagger that ends everything pretty quickly? Sure. But we don't know that yet. Okay. That's two years, 200 years in the future. And right now we've got a bunch of fucking zombies. So fuck off. Yeah. So they get to the top of this elevator ride, very long elevator ride, the Lord start droning on about government saying things how like, by the way, like one in every 10 men from a household is

chosen to fortify the watch. This is not a sentence, but an honor. No, it is literally a sentence. You cannot tell me I have been taken away from my nice bed and good food to stand on a wall and look at a far arch for the rest of my life is an honor. That I'm sorry, it's not an honor. That is a sentence. So he is droning on about this, trying to kind of like, you know, sell, sell the wall to the prince. And the prince is just there to be like, hey, I think my mom is the queen. I just want to know, do you have my back? We just want you to be with us.

Yeah. And so Lord Stark is like, Starks do not forget that oaths my prince, but you must know my gaze is forever between the north and the south. But my duty to the wall is more important than my duty to anyone. I was like, oh my God, just marry the wall already over it. I know. And it's by the way, also, this wall really is not gonna matter for many hundred more years, okay?

So like, I think it's cause since we know it's literally not gonna be towards like the end of Game of Thrones if this wall truly matters. We're just like, I know you care about the wall, but you don't really have to care about it right now. You know, it's like, you can do other things. Just serious is like, bro, the high towers are trying to usurp the throne.

So what are we going to do about it? And he's like, okay, so let me get this straight. So if you guys win, I get to stay at this wall and guard everybody from these fucking zombies. But if the high towers win, then I get to stay at this wall and guard everybody from fucking zombies. Are we gonna make me some kind of offer?

Do I get a blowy? Like what baby thing? You're offering me nothing? Sounds great. I'm in. And so he's like, you know, my father brought King Jaehaerys and Queen Alisanna to see the wall and his grace stood at this very outlook and watched as their dragons, the greatest power in the world, refused to cross it.

So what I'm trying to say is it's a pretty cool wall. So you can't really tempt me away. Even dragons are afraid of it. It what I'm trying to say is it's a pretty cool wall. So can't really tip me away. Even dragons are afraid of it. It's a wall. This is like, this is like HDTV for us. Okay. Like, like, you've never seen a wall like this. Well, like we are not gonna leave this wall. It's just the best. And just Sarah says like, well, what does it keep out? What does the wall keep out? And he goes, death. Okay, is that supposed to scare him?

He just saw his dad with like a hole in his head at dinner. I know. He's like, death, unless he had pine trees. Or his grandpa, I guess. His grandpa, I should have said. No, I think it was, oh yeah, it was his grandfather. It's hard to tell sometimes on this show who like, cause sometimes the grandfather is the dad, so.

Yeah, it's like it's my sister, it's my sister cousin wife father. I just saw a man with a hole in his face, drinking wine and it's spilling all onto the table cause of hole in his face. So. Point is I'm not worried about death. Okay.

Not worried about this planet, cheese. Seen a lot of it. Seen a lot of it. So then, then a soldier shows up and he's like, a raven has arrived with urgent news, which by the way, we find out later that news is that, by the way, your brother died. So way to go wall, keeping out the death

because literally someone just died while you're talking about how the wall beats out death. Sorry, the wall didn't work this time. Sorry. You're a little out't work this time. Sorry. You're a little out of the range of the walls. The wall is like 5g service. Yeah, I'm sorry. You're just on mint wall and mint wall, you know, it might get some energy from the Verizon wall,

but not enough coverage that you need. You're going to need to go to a higher plan with Verizon. You unfortunately used up all your walls data, so some death got to you. Oh, and the coverage you did get is gonna charge you quadruple. So sorry about your dead brother. Also, Lord Stark is like,

by the way, I've got some gray beards, and they're old as fuck, you can have them. What the hell? Can we have less age shaming on this show? That would be nice. I know, here's a nice old man and you can have him go up against the dragons in King's Landing, that'll work out great, huh?

Also, just a question. The envelopes that they get are just those little rolled up pieces of paper. How do you know it's urgent? Does it say urgent? Is there a magical ribbon that's on it? How do you know unless you fucking read it first, okay? So hand it over.

Also, how do the ravens land? Like if a raven wants to stop and like to sit on a branch for a second, it's gonna inherently drop the message because it has to put, or is it like you think it like sort of holds on to the message on the branch at the same time? I just think they're better systems.

Let me tell you what, the Ravens have this down better than humans do, because I don't hear people being like, the Raven got lost with your mail. I don't ever hear that. And guess, in my neighborhood in Texas, they have a whole Facebook page dedicated to how sucky the mail people are, because everything's constantly getting lost over there.

So I don't see that for Ravens. There's no Facebook thing that's like Ravens suck at mail, you know? So I say the Ravens have it figured out. Ravens. I would rely on a Raven 10 times more than I would rely on FedEx ground. That's, that's just, that just goes without saying FedEx. Oh my God. How is UPS able to bring your packages to the door? But FedEx will be sending you a package of Twisty ties from some random fucking person you didn't mean

to order from because you didn't know that they were gonna come from a FedEx and you never would have ordered it had you known. And then FedEx is like, oh, sorry, we came at 6.32 a.m. and nobody answered so we're not coming for another two weeks with your cat. Why aren't you just dropping the package? How were they able to leave a MacBook outside of my house

but you can't leave a package of twisty ties? A Raven would do it. A Raven would just hang out. A Raven would fucking do it. Yeah. A Raven would fucking do it. So now, so the Raven has a message and you know, Jace is very upset and then we cut to Dragonstone. A dragon is flying over Dragonstone and now we're in the cave.

And Rhaenys, she gets off her dragon, Melis. Is it Melis or Melis? Either way, she disembarks, she lands, she gets on the jetway, she gets out and she's about to walk into border control customs and then Damon is like, hold on one second, take your mount again, we're flying out. And she's like, are you kidding me? I just took a 12 hour nonstop dragon ride, okay? The AC wasn't working, I was boiling half the time.

Shit food, I'd like to add. I mean, I'm never gonna pay this much money for business class on a Dragon to get this sort of shit food, and now you want me to get back on the thing. No, I'm spending the night here. I love that she just like purses her lips and then moves them in disapproval at him. She's like, mm, gosh, mm.

I love that move on her, that actor. And she's like, why do you want to go there? Why do you want to go to King's Landing? And he's like, we've got to kill Vegard. I cannot face that horry a little bit alone. With my dragon and yours together, we can kill that Vegard and her rider, make a son for a son. And she's like, ooh, killing children

is honestly so last season. I mean, really, was this what the Queen wanted? I'm really tired. I've been working a very long time today. Hold on. Let me act like I'm sucking on a cough drop and purse my lips at you a little bit. Was this the Queen's command?

He's like, no, the Queen remains absent and I should be at Harrenhal bending knees, but I must instead remain here to wage her war. And Jackalore perhaps simply await her return. You're not the boss of me. She's been gone for days, days, too long. She's exposed. And he's like, she's like, you know that your wife

is grieving because her son just got killed. And he's like, I don't care. Grieve, grieve, wah, wah, wah. She's also a queen, get to work, bitch. And she's like, well, when my child died, I was inconsolable, four months. Little does she know, her child's living in P-town now his best fucking life probably a sweater gay at this point has like you know ten children Yeah, she has no it well

I'm sure that will come out that her son's living like you know running a neighborhood bar serving cosmos You know so they so he's like, no, fly with me. It's a command, because well, would that you were a king. I'm gonna take these shackles off and put my feet up and catch up on my TV, all right? See you soon. Hi, you've reached the voicemail of, I don't care, you're not the boss of me.

Please don't bother leaving me a message because I'm not gonna return it. Goodbye, sad person. I'll wait for the woman in charge to return. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Call me like call me on the fucking phone That you need me to go pick something up cuz I'm home now But yeah, I'll just calling by if I have driven If I've taken a two-minute drive to Starbucks and have come back and the entire thing has taken five minutes and someone says oh We need to wait now. We need to go back to Starbucks. I'm like no, it's done. I'm not driving Starbucks for another three days Yeah, it's over Sorry, you lost your chance to Starbucks for another three days. Yeah, it's over. Sorry.

You lost your chance. I'm not getting back on that dragon. No. So then now we go to a ship and men are mopping to the hay. Oh, hell, be ho. Chippin the bone goes off the sides of the bone. Bone go off the sides and horny ho. So Coralus is there. Coralus is, of course, Rhenius's husband.

And he's got like a cane and stuff. And his eyes are bulging. The actor was like, all right, I need to look like I'm amazed at the ships. So let me make my eyes as big as possible. He's like, ooh, ships. Wow, look at that ship. It's a marvel she was able to return

from the step stones at all. And so we meet this guy, Alan, spelled A-L-Y-N because he can't just be A-L-L-A-N. He can't be Alan, you're Alan of Hull, which is very, that's really on the nose. If you're a shipmaker and your name is Alan of Hull, that's like really on the nose. And he's a

wonder if it was named after him. Do they even have a whole of the ship before Alan? They named holes after Alan. He was, yeah, he was a real innovator. Alan's like the, the, like the first person to like invent holes. And so now they call the hole or maybe he improved it. And so now they call the hole or maybe he improved it. And so now they call out the hole, out the hole because that's how it works.

Anyway, um, they're talking about how, you know, they need the ships cause they're having a blockade and you know, you gotta have ships cause he's cordless and he's a ship person. So they've got a lot of ships going on and this guy's like, Oh yeah, sorry about your air dying. That truly sucks. That blew for you. And he's like, yeah, well thanks for saving my life because I heard you were the one who pulled me out of the water.

And the guy's like, I'm so uncomfortable right now. Listen, I'm the hole maker. I'm not the lifesaver. I can't have all these titles. Okay, I'm going, let's just stick with hole maker. He's like, here, you're a lifesaver and I owe you my life. Anything I can do. Blowey, would you like a blowey?

Alan's like, no, no, this attention's too much even though I'm standing literally at the first boat you see when you walk out of wherever you just walked out of. Like even though I'm right front and center, like no, no, I don't want this attention at all. Yeah, he's like, well, I am indebted to you, Alan. Please stop offering me blowies. My dark people drowning king people out of the water.

Now, just since I am indebted to you, I just want to make sure it's Alan, A-L-A-N like Alan Menken, famed songwriter, right? No, not quite. So A-L-L-E-N then, like a wrench. No, no quite. So a-l-l-e-n, then, like a wrench. No. No, no. Is it like Ellen, like Ellen DeGeneres, but you say Allen instead? Is that, I just want it for my notes.

Please let me go. It's a-l-y-n. Oh, oh, that's odd. It's pretty strange. I think I may have to take my debt back. I think I'm not indebted to you anymore. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappence commercial. It's time for a Crappence commercial.

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on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So now we're back at King's Landing. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, we didn't even talk about the new opening. Oh, I loved it.

Thank you. First of all, was the first, was the opening last year, was it the same song? Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. I thought it was a different song for some reason. No, it was the Game of Thrones song, like slightly different instrumentation. But last year's opening was just like a torrent of blood

just descending down various surfaces. I loved it. It was like a dominoes type thing, but with blood, where the blood would fill certain things, which would weight them. And then they would turn like little things over that would be vessels for more blood to drip down into the passageways.

I thought it was so cool. And I went to each house. This one is crazy intricate. It's a tapestry of somebody just, is that what you call it? It's a tapestry, right? I think it was a tapestry. Where they make art with knitting, not knitting.

What do you call that? Tapereds, yarns. Well, either way, I knitting, what do you call that? Yeah, with threads, yarns. Well, either way, I mean, it was like a woven, it was a woven, and I was like, you know, I'm so glad we're tuning in for this season where they're going to wage horrific war on each other, kill some children, and we're going to express it through embroidery.

Like it. Yeah, they're like, you know what? Bless this home. Bless this home on my right, guys. The last opening was too hard. So it was too rough on people. No one wanted to see blood. Let's make it more of a family opening. I just wanna see a blanket being woven

with people's pictures on it. Okay, let's do that. Yeah, let's have an Etsy moment and then we'll get into child murder. Okay, great. Yeah. I loved it actually. I thought it was great. I thought it was a great animation and I'm like, nothing makes sense to me in all the tapestry, but I'm like, you know, it's one of those things where by the end of the season, I'll be like, oh, that's what that is. And that's what that represents.

Yeah. So we see the castle and there's a dragon coming and the employees, of course, because it's always the poor people who get murdered by dragons. The rich people are generally, of course, we did just see a rich person get killed by a dragon, but that was extenuating circumstances. Generally it's the poor people. So they're like, dragon, oh my God, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon, dragon. And so they get the scorpion out to kill the dragon, the big weapon that ended up killing a couple of Whatcher Bones' dragons in Game of Thrones.

And they get those out and they're about to shoot. And that's right, let me just tell you, that dragon does not give a fuck. That dragon has so many holes in its wings. That dragon, there's so many holes in that wings of people trying to kill that dragon. And that dragon's like, I am literally the biggest dragon. Like you're not gonna kill me right now.

You're never gonna fucking get me. You're like flinging to things Yeah, I'm a dragon. Yeah, so I was a dragon. Oh wait, it's big art. It's big art. Never mind so then we go down to Helena Targaryen in the chamber, so She's playing with her children everything and King Aegon Targaryen, I think they are married but also brother or sister, correct? Yes.

It's a very intimate bond that they share. And- Those very flowers in the attic and those were also blondes. So I think it's something about blonde people who just will like wanna fuck their siblings. And I know there's a lot of blonde people in the world. So if you're blonde and listening to this

and feeling very offended right now stop being offended and go make out with your sister seriously well a gun is like where's your Harris King a gun because he's like the usurper King right because he's the king also because his mom was talking to like the king while he was dying and he thought it was his other his daughter and he was like Agon like a gone the fire nice everything so it's like this It's a folly. It's this whole like, you know Several mistakes and misunderstandings and now he has become it's like three company. Yeah, it's very much

You know company right something overheard by accident, you know Yeah like where Janet's trying to like get a picture under the wall and she's like, I am gonna nail you if it's the last thing I do. And then Mr. Furly hears that and he's like, oh my God, she's gonna have sex with Jack

and Jack is supposed to be gay. I'm gonna kick him out. Yeah, that's literally what this is all based off of. So he's looking for his son, Jaehaerys, and cause he wants to take Jaehaerys to the small council because you know, Jaehaerys is gonna be king one day and Jaehaerys needs to start learning. Yeah.

And he's like, and who better to learn from than someone who has no idea what it means to be a king? Am I right? Let's get this on the road. So Helene is like, what if he does not want to be king? Oh, okay, that matters now. That has never mattered on this show, ma'am. So she says, I'm afraid.

And he's like, oh, please, don't be afraid. They'd be fools to come with Vegard protecting the city. She goes, I'm not afraid of dragons. I'm afraid of the rats. And the maids start looking around the room like, oh shit, there's rats in here. There's rats? And everyone takes it as, oh god, she's just crazy.

Which, have we not learned that this lady is psychic? I know. Let's listen to the lady. She keeps predicting things, and they're looking around their feet like those literal rats. Like really, rats? I mean, we're a castle.

So, now we cut to Queen Alice and Ty Tawa in her bedroom, receiving Cunnilingus from Kristen Cole, this guy. I love this note. This is great note taking by the way. I just, thank you Chelsea again, cause I love this. Cut to Queen Alice and Hightower in her bedroom,

receiving Cunnilingus from Sir Kristen Cole. This guy really gets around, right? I mean, he goes from, he went from Ray Ray and now he's with Alison. He's really all over the place. Well, let me tell you my favorite thing about this fucking hypocrite. This is just like a conservative in Congress

who's trying to pass all these anti-gay laws and then you see them banging somebody on fucking Grindr or whatever, just such a hypocrite. I mean, he had the gay, he murdered a gay guy in cold blood because the gay guy was like, hey, we're both mistresses now, right? He murdered him because he's so pure and he doesn't want anyone to know.

And then he wanted Ray Ray to not even be queen because how dare she give him her, you know, virginity or whatever, and then dump him and not leave her entire life to go marry him in some fishing village because he made an oath and his oath is so righteous and so morally correct. And she ruined him, this dirty woman. And then look what he's doing. Mr. Pure as white snow turns around and immediately starts banging somebody that he's doing. Mr. Pure as white snow turns around and immediately starts banging somebody

that he's not married to. You fucking hypocrite. They said that on the little, I don't know if you watched the little after show thing that they have at the end where they talk about things. They talk about how Christian is like, he is the most complicated person because he's someone who talks all about purity

and talking about duty and everything. And this is totally, you know, not what he should be doing as a knight. And he is just a hypocrite. He is like the biggest dick of all of them. If you ask me. And so hot. Oh my God. He's so adorable. Yeah. That's what usually happens. Like most of those guys. I shouldn't say most, but like a couple of those guys who get caught being hypocrites in Congress. Some of them are bangable, you know? So, Alicent is like, well, there's a chill in the air. He's like, ho ho, wasn't just a chill in my pants, I'm a rat. So you got no pants on, that's why it's cold for you.

Did ya? So, then we cut to Alicent and Kristen approaching, they go to the small council meeting and we got all our favorites there. We got Otto Hightower, who's like the worst. We got Thailand Lannister. We got Jasper Wilde, Grandmeister Orwell, Young Jheris Targadon, Chelsea really knows all these names.

I'm, if it had been also been like guy in a robe, beard guy, a guy who was in Notting Hill but now is the bad guy in a robe, beard guy, a guy who was in Notting Hill, but now is the bad guy in this show and little boy. Yeah, I don't even want to read all the names because it makes me tired, but he's brought his son to council. So Egon's like, well, hello,

my son will now learn the rules of the court. Ha ha, now good morrow, what news? And Otto's like, well, nobody's answering our letter. And he goes, cons! He's like, well, the storm lands should be ours after Prince Eamon's marriage, packed to Lady Floris Baratheon. I anticipate their sworn declaration. And Thailand's like, well, my brother is raising the strength of the West, of the mass, the golden tooth, and we're gonna do this, blah blah blah, blah. We're gonna win.

So yeah, it's just like business, business, business, business. But I like that he's like, well, my nephew is mustering his forces from Old Town. Just like, just like, all right, you're done here. You're moving to Old Town. Well, for me, it was like, oh gosh, I have to like turn on the part of my brain that memorized all these locations and knew what all these things meant. Cause like, I was like, oh yeah,

old town, river lands, ah, all these people, all these things. Wow. This is a real pivot from the real housewives right now. I gotta get this thing. I gotta crank it all up, you know? So while this is all happening, the little little Prince Jhaerys is he's like sitting next to Tyland and he is like playing with like the little ball, you know, the ball you have to use to speak, you know, and he's playing with the talking ball, the ball, the ball of talk, the ball of speaketh, you know, so he's playing with it and Tyland is trying to be like,

hey, I need to say some stuff right now, but there's this little twerp here that I guess I'm like the babysitter of right now. So does anyone want to help me out? Yeah, it's like, how dare you criticize my son. Son, ride him like a pony. And the kid's like, really? And Alison's like, no, please,

can we just have our fucking meeting, okay? She's like, your fucking blonde child to work day, okay? Alison's like, I was getting banged before this meeting and I stopped it to come here. So if we're not gonna talk about anything important, I'm gonna be really upset. So they're going out, they're trying to muster people for this war, right?

So that's what they're talking about. And she's like, so has anybody heard from Reneira? Have there been any answers to my constant barrage of emails? Like his, or my- My blocks. My, what's the bird called? My ravens keep coming back green.

My raven mails. Are there any responses to my art mails? It's funny, I keep sending my ravens out to her, but they keep coming back with green messages. And it's funny, cause I have an eye raven and they should be blue. So am I blocked? I'm just trying to figure something out here.

Yeah. And they're like, Oh, your little storied letter for murdering her son. Yeah. No, we haven't, we haven't received an or mail. Okay. So Alison's like, well, let's try negotiating. So then, yeah, they, they do the joke with the little kid and stuff. And, uh, then we start talking about auto jumps in and he's like, the blockade blockade, we need to worry about the blockade. King's landing is in trouble.

And it comes like, well, we should have just killed Ray Ray when we had the chance to kill her, but everybody wants to keep Ray Ray alive. And so guess we had to do that. So great job losers. Yeah. But guess what? Um, Ray Ray's auntie also kept you alive when she could have dragged your ass in that church when she was hiding in the basement. Okay. So let's just call it a wash. Yeah, exactly.

And that would have been really embarrassing cause that would have happened in front of everyone and it would have been like, it just would have been a bad look. Well, you would have been dead. So it's a really terrible look for you. Yeah. So anyway, they are dealing with this blockade situation and the whole thing that they're trying to figure out is are we just going to like, is this going to be a cold war or a hot war? Right. That's the big thing. So now afterwards, Allison's walking down the hallway and then she comes across Laris, who is like this creepy guy

that she would like give handies to for information last season. That was like their whole arrangement. So she runs into him. Did she give him handies or did he just get to jerk off on her feet? Wasn't that it? You know what, I think that's what it was.

He's like really in defeat. I think she would that it? Because he's like really in defeat. I think she would take off her feet. He's like really in defeat because he's disabled or something. And so I guess he's like in defeat. And so then he would like jerk off while she showed her feet. She'd like took off her shoe and he's like,

oh, oh yeah, here's the news. Oh yeah, show me that toe. I forget everyone's names or where we're at or why we're at war, but I do remember people's kinks and his was toes. That's right. I knew that there was some sort of sexual, like she did something for him sexually and then he gave her information. So he has now come here to tell her like, by the way, I was talking to the whole staff and you know,

some people have kind of betrayed our trust and I've kind of killed them and I took on restaffing myself. So everyone here is kind of my spy. So don't fuck up. Deal two is he's like, well, I've had a talk with your staff and I've heard that you were indisposed.

Meaning like, I know you're banging the guy and also now you're not calling me back right after I did exactly what you wanted, which was killing my own brother and father so that you could get what you wanted, really? Seriously murdered my own family. So could we not be fucking Kristen when I'm calling you? Great.

That would be great. Yeah, you know, cause I just had to like look at pictures of feet and I just want to see the real thing sometimes. So now she's like really weirded out by him. Like, I don't know why it took her this long to be weirded out by him cause we were all weirded out by him immediately. But now she's like in her bathtub

and like all the handmaidens are scrubbing her and she's just uncomfortable because it's clear that she's thinking like, oh, they're going to report back everything to this guy and these are all his people and like I'm alone. So she sends everyone off and just like start scrubbing herself really aggressively like almost like I'm like, maybe those people should have stayed because I'm not sure you actually know how to take a bath, you know? Yeah, if you don't do it for a while. She's like, is this how you do it? Scrubbing really hard.

So she's like, what is it? Last time I did this, we had bars of soap. What is this body wash? What am I supposed to do with this? It comes in a bottle. How is this even sensible? You have to have a loofah now. Well, if I don't want a loofah,

what if I only want a one tool thing? I don't want double tools to have to take the same goddamn bath I used to have to take. Whatever happened to soap? Just a nice bar of soap. Yeah, exactly. So then Ray Ray shows up and shows up like a badass. Like everyone's afraid of her dragon

and then she just kind of slides down it. And she sees her, she sees the dead kids, she's found evidence of the kid being there, right? She finds his, a dragon wing, and then, wait, is this where that is? What's happening right now? There's like a dragon wing that's washed up ashore, and then also like his cloak, I think.

So she sees it, and then she picks it up, and she's like sobbing, and all the people are like, oh no That's that's sad for her. But uh, can we get that dragonling? We're gonna we're actually about to take it we're gonna have like a really cool thing for our village But can we get can we get the dragonling? No. So then Aegon is going into the throne room and The intro guy is like, hello and welcome the King, Lord Hale, King Aegon the Magnanimous, second of his name, King of the Andals and Rhonar and the first man,

Lord of the Seven Kingdoms, protector of the realm and bat of the ass, Lord Hale, King Aegon, Aegon, Aegon. And Aegon's like, really, Magnanimous? I don't even know what that means. So he sits down on the throne and he's like, really? Magnanimous? I don't even know what that means. So he sits down on the throne and he's like, all right, let's start this up. First day at work. I'm the king. I got people here. So who is up first? We have someone good. So this guy, Gerard, shows up. He's like, oh, good, good, good morrow.

My, uh, my, your grace, my grace, ha, someone's grace, saving grace, willing grace, all the graces, grace, oh, good say good night, Gracie. He's like, all right, all right, could you, could you get us, move on with it, what do you want, what do you need? He's like, the dragons keep eating my sheep and I need sheep because I'm a sheep person, I'm a sheep herd, ship herd. Need the sheep. Guys keep eating my sheep. And he's like, well, you can have all the sheep you want. It is now a law that you will get all the sheep you need to get, yay for sheep.

Good for you, congratulations, you are a sheep winner. And Otto's like, uh-huh, listen, stupid. The sheep feed the dragons, the dragons win the war, and we already told everybody they're fucked without sheep. He's like, well just don't tell anybody that I gave him his sheep. But he's like, these are gossipy bitches. Do you know what shepherds do?

They gossip, okay? That's what they fucking do. They're basically animal barbers. Their job is to shear the sheep. You know what that means? They gossip, okay? I mean, we only took 10 sheep from the guy. I mean, he probably has a flock of like 40.

They can just, the sheep can fuck, get some lambs. They'll be fine. It's okay. So he's like, okay, changed my mind because I guess I'm not the boss here. So this fuck, Otto says that we auto-not give you sheep back. Sorry, your sheep are eaten. Okay, next.

Did anyone appreciate my pun? Auto-knot, anyone. I mean you guys are my subjects. I should have gotten a bigger laugh. Like really any joke I make. That was my first pun as king. So. Yeah, any joke I make should actually have

the biggest laugh because I'm the king and you guys are shepherds. But like that one was like a legitimately good joke and none of you guys laughed at it. Otto not. Do you guys understand language? Not a word. Did the dragons eat your laughs as well?

Okay. Watch out for the hand. He's a bit of an autocrat. Anyway, I mean, come on now people. So now another guy's like, souls run scarce to the road to winter and we rely on a ship to bring us salts and now we can't get the salts and the blockade. And he's like, well then just burn the blockade. Who cares? Burn it all down. And another guy's like, well, we'd love to support you, but we need money if you need weapons and he's like, fine. You know what you should have all the money in the world.

They shall be delivered to you on that man's sheep. Otto's like, um, sir, we do not have money for these people. You fucking moron. It costs money to take the sheep from the people to feed the dragons. There's no money. Well, victory depends on the efforts of the small folk. And Otto's like, okay, that's pretty good. Like, you reminded them they're tiny, insignificant people who really should be so lucky to be in this hall. So I'll go back to my place.

I'm going to walk away now. Payton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. comes one right now. Peyton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo.

All the time. Yeah. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions. If you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second. Then join me, Hunter Harris. And me, Peyton Dix, the host of Wanderys newest podcast, Let Me Say This. As beacons of truth and connoisseurs of mess,

we are scouring the depths of the internet so you don't have to. We're obviously talking about the biggest gossip and celebrity news. Like it's not a question of if Drake got his body done, but when. You are so messy for that, but we will be giving you the b-sides, don't you worry. The deep cuts, the niche, the obscure. Like that one photo of Nicole Kidman after she finalized her divorce from Tom Cruise. Mother, a mother to many.

Follow, let me say this, on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad-free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts. So now Laris is there waiting for him after the meeting. Hello sir, I was just waiting for you after your meeting. Do you have time for a little chat?

Well, I think you want to be a big man, a big boss, huh? Oh, such a shame to see you looking so insecure and weak because your daddy was weak and insecure and your daddy's right-hand man was Otto Hightower. And who's yours? Otto Hightower. Startin' to make you look sad and weak too. Let's get Otto Hightower. Burn him in his sleep. We'll murder him.

I'm like, Jesus, Laris, could you just... I would say be more subtle, but this kid has no idea he's even being manipulated. He's like, how do I look more strong? What do I sign up for? Anything. Do you need my credit card number, my social security? What can I do? So then we cut to Alison and she's in her she's in her room and she's an auto shows up. No, Otto is her father for those who don't remember it. But I requested an audience hours

ago. It's like, well, I mean, honestly, there were so many petitions. I mean, you don't understand how many shepherds have issues with their sheep. I mean, here are, you know, what happened to the good old days of kings looking after things that were more exciting? Like, I don't know. The whorehouse has burned down. We need a new whorehouse. Or what about, I don't know, too many drunk people in the streets, but now it's all sheep, sheep, sheep, sheep. It's exhausting. Sheep, sheep, sheep. It almost makes you miss leprosy, doesn't it?

And she's like, well, I find myself, are we even on the same team? Because I go into a meeting and everything I say, I'm being undermined by you in front of my children who barely listen to me anyway. And the last thing I need is for you bitching at me because then they're really not going to listen to me after you bitch at me right in front of everybody. He's like, God, I never really thought of it that way, but I guess if you need

more respects, how many stupid people must I pretend to be kind to? She's like, you know what? All right. So they, everyone hates me. I can't deal with it. He's like, all right, all right, all right. Well, listen, here's the thing. Eamon erred, but he's fiercely loyal and he wishes to please. And he goes, well, you know what, Aegon still hates me in private at least. Well, I guess I'm just really complaining about being undermined. That's really all I'm doing in the scene. Stop undermining me, okay?

Yeah. And she's like, well, he goes, well, I hadn't seen it that way. And she goes, well, you know what? We only need to mind Agon until the novelty of rule is spent. And once he tires of it, you and I can take over and steer our case to victory, that little moron. He'll wanna fucking barf out the window.

Wasn't he the one jerking off out the window, kid? I think so he was. He wanna splooge out his window again soon enough? That was his defining moment of last season was jerking off out the window. So now we see there's some ships, some ships at sea. And it's time to, the guards like Corlys's men are coming in to inspect, to look out for stowaways

and things like that. So they're looking through and they're hiding, not really very, not really hiding. She's just hanging out there is Zarya, also known as the white worm. She was the one who is like, like she has little spies all over the city and knows all the, all the, all the goss on everyone. So then Damon is like, oh, the white worm, eh? And basically he's like, you little traitor, you traitor. And she's like, oh God, I don't care about traitoring,

all right, I'm not playing in your little game. I'm a poor person. Rich people fight, rich people fights. I fight poor people fights and take money from the rich people to fight their fights. I'm just a tool." Yeah, and he's like, well, how long have you been selling secrets to Otto Hightower? Okay. She's like, well, as long as he had gold to pay for them, hello. You know what I'm all about. We used to have sex all the time. He's like, well, who sent you fleeing

from King's Landing in such disrepair? Hmm. You put Aegon on the throne." And she's like, No, it was just a high-tower conspiracy. I just took money for it. So don't yell at me. All right. Don't shoot the well-paid messenger. By the way, my whore house was burnt to the ground.

Is anybody going to say, sorry about all the hookers. Sorry about all that. You trained them so hard. And now where are they? Dead. Runt alive., so Damon's like, well, what do you know? What do you know about Otto? What do you know about his plans? Because little and less, I possess nothing of value for you, Damon. But then they stare at each other. And he's like, clearly,

he's going to mine her for some information. He's like, I'll pay you though. She's like, okay, well, I owe that man nothing. His social security number is 321-776-2903. Yeah, totally. So then Damon comes out and he's like, lock that bitch up forever, she's a traitor. And I'm like, wow, okay, I thought that ended more peacefully than it did.

But oh, and this is the twin. Yeah, because Eric and Eric. Yeah, I was one of the twins. Eric and Eric, I'm still mad at their parents. I'm still mad at their parents for naming them that. Like, why can't it be Eric and Bob or like Eric and Samuel? Just add a D, like do something, you know, but Eric and Eric and Derek annual just add a D like do something you know but Eric and Eric is a little rough that's it's just not the best it's just not the best naming convention

but they the twins they've like split up now because they were like bodyguards and um Eric this one this is Eric E and he basically couldn't deal with, you know, sticking by Agon's side. So he defected over to this side, to Damon and- And Damon's like, well, how do I know you're not a traitor? Cause your brother was a traitor, and now you're a traitor for not being, but you didn't tell us fast enough that you want to trade her.

He's like, I'm high. I work for the family and then the family started fighting. How am I supposed to know which side to pick? Yeah. We're all in the same family. You know who you should complain to? The brothers fucking their sisters, no offense. But like seriously, you guys are making it really, really rough to know who's who around here, okay?

Yeah, like when you guys were all fighting and fucking, no one ever said, what about Eric? But I thought about Eric. No, not Eric, Eric. You? No, Eric. I only care about my brother, so you care about Eric. I don't care about myself, I care about Eric. All right, I'm getting really confused here. Which Eric are we talking about here?

Well, I'll tell you this much, I'm killing Eric. How dare you? I'm standing right here. No, not you. I'm talking about Eric. So then we cut to Rey, Rey, and she's coming back to her council, and they're like, Queen Rhaenyra Targaryen first of her name lady with a face like Teddy Melencamp Queen of the Andals and the royal all the first man lady of the seven kingdoms protector of the realm Hottie with the hottest Rhaerys great at scrabble great at riding is there anything she's bad at she missed a wordle one time. Otherwise, welcome home. We love you, Queen.

Never change a thing. Your counsel stands at your ready, Your Grace. I will fly to Harrenhal at your command and set your toe hold in the Riverlands. But by the way, I don't have to go to Harrenhal. They keep sending me to Harrenhal, but I'm actually totally down to go somewhere else. Can we actually not go to Harrenhal?

I actually don't really like it at all. She's like, but then Renys comes up and says, "'Your grace, my lord husband's blockade at the gullet "'moves into place. "'All seaborne travel and trade to King's Landing "'will soon be cut off, including salt. "'Please send a raven to that person who wanted salt. "'There is no salt.

"'We're blocking it, thank you.'" So then Rey-Rey just stands at the table and she's crying, you know, she's like, I want him and talk area. And then she walks off. That's her only on the episode. Okay. Well, meetings over. Okay. I would just like to point out that she did not say I want a son for a son. She did not say that. She said, I want a mint period. I don't know where I don't know how it got translated into, she said a son for a son,

now we can just take whoever we want. She said specifically, the one that looks like Laura Dern, go get that one. You know, the problem is that since everyone is named the same name or a slight variation on it, it's really easy to mess up these sort of orders. I will say that, you know? Like when you have like an Ament, an Agan,

and an Aren, and an A-min and an A-min. Yeah, but that's why when your waiter comes to the table, you want them to write down the order and not just say they remember it. Like I wanna see it later. And actually I was at a restaurant with my friends yesterday and they were messing up the order and my friend actually, I would never have the balls to do,

I was kind of mortified he did it to be honest. But he goes, can you read off the order that you wrote down to make sure that it's right? Because it's all been wrong so far. The guy literally had to pull out his pad and read back the order to him. And I was like, well, thank God. And that's why you should have people write it down

because there's evidence. There's evidence. Yeah, it's true. So now Damon, after hearing this, he's like, all right, she wants me to get Aegon Targaryen. It's like, no, Aemond, all right, I'm going after Brooke Shields. No, that's not even close to what I said. I don't even know who that is.

So he goes back to Mizaria's cell and he's like, well, in all your years as merchant of gossip, you surely accumulated spies within the Red Keep, servants who knew the comings and goings." She's like, yeah, fuck yeah, of course I did. Well, okay then, your transaction, your knowledge in exchange for freedom. It's like, how dare you? You have no control over me.

He's like, I'll pay you. Yes, whatever you need. So then we go to Ray Ray and the prince comes in and he's trying to do business, business, but you know, obviously he's just heard about his brother. So he's crying and he's like, your grace, lady Jane Aaron. And then they just break down and hug and cry. And it's hard on this show because you're like, wow, that loss. I mean, obviously is so rough, you know,

you're not gonna like make fun of that or argue with that, but it's one of those things where you watch a show and you're like, oh, just you wait, you're all dead. You are all dead. It's, I don't even know what happens. I don't remember the lore from- They'll die, they'll die. They all die.

Yeah, but you know that they all get murdered horribly because that's just what this show is, you know? It's like, let's wait to see how they kill all of each other's children, you know, it's like a horror movie You're just waiting to see them get picked off one by one Exactly. So now Queen Alison goes down to cathedral to light candles. It's like morning candles, you know, cuz now it's time it's time for us to believe that she's like not awful so she's like lighting candles and saying things like Alri Florent and the Sarah's Tigarian and then she's like gonna light another

candle like is she going to light a candle for sweet little Luke and she does she's like Lucerys Velaryon so it's like oh she cares about things she's caught up in this maelstrom but she she cares. Yeah, and this is intercut with the funeral and stuff going on. And then it's nighttime, a small boat approaches the shore and Damon pays the man. And then we see that there's a man named Blood and Damon hands him coins.

Dun, dun, dun. So now we find out that Damian is hiring people. I love this. Okay, you can't kill them and you're like a full on badass. But then you're gonna go to these other people and be like, hi people I just heard about from a hooker who I just stole everything or who just had her whole life burned down. Guys, go kill. Go kill the king. Okay, bye. Damian's brother.

Bye. Damon's also doing that thing. He loves to do it. He loves putting on like a little like hood, like a little cloak hood thing. It's like, no one will ever see me here. And like the moment he like walks up to the guard, they're like, oh, commander, good to see you again.

It's like, maybe you need to have a better disguise. Well at least spray tan, you know what I mean? Cause like he's so white that he glows. Like they can see him coming from a mile away, you know at least spray tan, you know what I mean? Because he's so white that he glows. They can see him coming from a mile away, you know? Spray tan. Yeah, people can see you under that hood. It's very obvious. You're the palest person in King's Landing.

Yeah. Yeah. So this is blood and cheese he's talking to. So Damon's like, the white worm says you're one of the rat catchers. Now they really go heavy on the rat because I feel like last year they were like, I wonder if that girl's side, the audience was like,

I think that girl might be psychic because she kind of says little things that maybe could have come true. And this year they're like, she's psychic, she said rats. So now let's say rat 37 times in this episode. It's really on the nose this year. She's like, I'm not afraid of dragons. I'm afraid of two men pretending to be rat dealers sneaking in the middle of the night and killing someone. I don't know just a hunch

Yeah, so they find the rat so they so they go dammit goes up to this rat catcher cheese and He's basically like hey, I know you've got some pretty big debts Let me give you some money. And here's what I want you to do. OK, I want you to slay Prince Aemond Targaryen, which I think is like a pretty to Damon's credit. He also he does deliver the message pretty cleanly. Aemond Targaryen, right?

Yeah, they're giving it pretty cleanly, but this guy is like, whatever, I'm just gonna go get what I can. Yeah. Which is why you shouldn't just hire random employees to go do whatever, you know? Yeah, exactly. It's like when you bring your car to the mechanic

and they like fix the muffler and you're like, I just wanted you to check the oil. They're like, oh, well, it's still gonna be about $1,200. I'm like, but it's just oil that I wanted. Or they just don't fix the oil and change your tire, which is what ends up happening. And they're like, what? You have a better tire?

What are you bitching about? I know. So then Damon's like, yes, well, you possess a unique knowledge of the red keep. And someone passes by, I feel like, hey, Damon, what are you doing in town? See you later, I'll see you at the bar. It's a god damn it.

Good to see you, bro. This hood is not working. Oh, well, it says your name on the back. It still says Commander Damon. Oh, god damn it. Still's got your number 69 on the back. That's a good one, good one, love it. It says I'm with stupens pointing at me.

Hey, that's not nice. So cheese is like, oh yeah, there's tunnels down there. Great big rat's nest it is. I don't know if I'm being literal or figurative. You figure it out, okay? But I know those tunnels better than I know the shape of my own cock. And if there's anything I know better than tunnels,

I know the difference between Prince Aemon Targaryen and the small child. So you got a man, I'm on top of it. So he's gonna take his friend blood and they're gonna do it. And he's like, but what if we can't find him? And Aemon just smiles. So maybe this is where they get the idea

that they could just kill whoever. Oh, maybe. You're right, I didn't think about that. Because he just smiles. I guess that smile, you could take a lot of ways. You could take it as like, well, you better find him, or you could take it as just kill a blonde person and get back to us.

I know. Let us know. Let us know who you killed and we'll figure it out from there. Shouldn't be a problem. So then, meanwhile, speaking of blonde people, so Aamond is hanging out with Kristen, these two thugs, they're just hanging out, talking and they want to go to war so badly. These are two toxic males and they just want to splooge all over the countryside.

So Aemond is like, we've wasted precious days in this war of quitters and ravens. Words are wind. You should be leading the van and I should be flying cover on Vega. castle would dare raise Rhaenyra's banner against us we would bring the whole of the Kremlins to heel in weeks and Kristen's like well um you know let's talk to the king maybe we can get sent out okay and and it's like well we could add that levy whatever they're talking shop you know so they want to go to war they just want to go to they're basically saying how they want to go to war really badly yeah and so then Otto comes in and he's like Kristen go back to work I need to talk to the prince so he's like okay listen are you scheming behind uh my back you little fuck because you shouldn't do that and

he's like what me Laura Dan I only wish to serve my king and my ow fuck, because you shouldn't do that. And he's like, what, me? Laura Dern, I only wish to serve my king and my owls. What are you talking about? He's like, well, you are, you and Vagar are the greatest single power, and if it's not obvious, it is now. But listen, you can't see all the pieces yet. You must wait your turn.

Be patient, Laura Dern. Don't put all your eggs in the Jeff Goldblum basket. Your Oscar's not coming from Jurassic Park. I know it's a success, but just wait 20 years and you will see it. So now we have Blood and Cheese. Now they're going through King's Landing and they're going through the castle, trying to sneak in, pretending to be a rat cat. Well, their blood's pretending to be a rat catcher also. And they see King Aegon. King Aegon's wasted in the throne room just talking to his buddies, you know.

Aegon's like, I guess I need to be a symbol for the small folk, as we call the nobility. Let me guess what's gonna happen tomorrow. Sheep, my sheep are missing. I want more sheep. Can you believe it? This is what I signed up for. It's bullshit. It's like, you know what I want in life?

A better nickname. I mean, what the fuck is magnanimous? All right, can it be like egg on giant dick? Or like, you know, egg on Dion, you know? Maybe a Celine voice or like, you know, something. I mean, Jesus Christ, magnanimous. What even is that? So then blood and cheese keep on walking and they're going through and they're

like, they're like, oh, how do we get up there? And Jesus like, what the rules live up there? So well, I know how we get up there. So when it's off limits, a different group of rat catchers walk upstairs. Well, if we're gonna kill the rock and roll prince, where do you think we're gonna find him? I'm like, keep your voice down. Do you have to say?

Eg Yontse. I mean, I could be Eg Yontse or something like that. Or if you don't want to impart that much talent on me, like Egg Z. Yeah, something like that. Egg Z. We need to get up there. Let's figure it out.

So they're sneaking around. They're going through, they get up, now they go up to the royal level and like there's thunder and there's lightning and there's rain, it's very ominous and since this is the show, I'm expecting anyone to show up with like a sword and just like slice someone's head off at any second. Yeah, me too. I'm like, how are they getting away with this? The security sucks and they're just kind of walking all over the house now. I was like, oh, look at us.

Now we're in a hallway. Let's go to the Queens chambers. That'll be hilarious. Literally nobody's there. Nobody's protecting them. Aren't they supposed to be on high alert because like Ray Ray wants them all dead? Like, hello, hello.

So anyway, terrible security. No ring cam. There's no arc cam, like no Raven cam, like get something, seriously. So they keep looking around and then they find a handmaiden and he's like, we need rats. Now this handmaiden was in the room when the lady said, I'm afraid of rats, wasn't she? She was, but she was just like, this bitch was always saying crazy shit. Yeah. Literally just said she's afraid of rats. They brought up rats now to your face literally, and you still didn't get it.

Like what do they, what do we have to do lady? She's just not the sharpest one, you know? So they finally, they, they, they wind up in a room and um, blood is like, I'm sorry. cheese is holding Helena, the mom, the sister slash wife with a knife to her throat. So the cheese has taken matters into his own hand and blood is like, oh, the fuck is she? And he's like, she's the queen, she is.

It's like, oh, a son for a fucking son. Does she look like a son to you, you fucking old idiot ratcat? He's like, over, son for fucking son. Does she look like a son to you? You fucking idiot rat catcher. It's like over there and he points and the two children are sleeping in the beds. Well, of course they look just the same. So how are you supposed to know which one to kill? Yeah. And so they're like, well, just touch, see if there's a wiener.

And he's like, I'm not touching a wiener. Just ask the mom. I love that you guys draw the line at like checking for a wiener. Just ask the mom. I love that you guys draw the line at like, checking for a wiener. You're about to murder children. Like, you know, I really don't want to touch a wiener. Is it a pedophile thing? No, no, it's a gay thing.

I really, this is a gay thing. So, not doing that. Yeah, I really, I'll chop his head off. I'll slice his head right off, but I really just can't get too close to a wiener. It's just too weird for me. Yeah, it's a lot to ask of me. So, um.

So they basically ask her, they ask the mom, like, so which one is it? So she's like, I have a necklace, it's of great value. And she takes it off and blood takes it, which you know that necklace is gonna be a thing, by the way, it's gonna be like, it has the prophecy in there, or something like that. So he takes the necklace, and then they're like,

but which one is it, which one is it? So she points at one of the kids, and they're like, wait, no, it's the other one. She's not gonna give up the king's heir that easy. But she will, because she can't stand these guys. She's like, one less toxic male in this family bloodline? Hell yes, take the boy. Oh God, dark.

But she points and they take the kid. So she goes to find her mother and guess what her mother's doing, banging Kristen. Who by the way, if maybe he was doing his job, he could have intercepted these fools. Exactly but his wiener's out so they're doing that and she walks in and doesn't even care because you know obviously she just watched her child get murdered and so she just falls on the ground and they're like what is it and she goes they killed the boy. So they did she did give up the correct

child and um that is the beginning uh well the beginning, but that's another thing to happen. The start of this war. Yeah. So this is apparently, I watched like the little thing after the show where the writers and creators, whatever, are talking about it. And apparently this was an extremely famous part of the lore of this, is blood and cheese coming in and killing the kid. So we just saw it, we just witnessed it and now it's going to be all bloody hell. So I personally actually really like this episode. I felt like last season was tough with all the

jumping forward in time and having to re-explain things so often. I thought this was actually a really good episode. So I was really happy with this return to with House the Dragon. Well, I always loved this show. Really good to have it back. Hope you guys are enjoying it. Go listen to season one if you want. If you're listening to this on the Crappens feed to get it sooner, listen to it

on the Winter's Crappening feed. Also, if you want videos of this, they're on Watch What Crappens Patreon feed. So go check it out there, okay? And we sure love you guys. We will talk to you next time. Bye everyone. Bye.

If you like Watch What Crappens, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple podcastss. Prime members can listen ad free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondry.com slash survey. It was the biggest scandal in pop music. The stars of Milly Vanilli, the Grammy winning multi-platinum R&B phenomenon, were exposed as frauds, but none of this was their idea. So whose idea was it? Enter German music producer Frank Farian. He saw the success of acts like Michael Jackson and Prince,

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Milli Vanilli set the world on fire, but when the truth came out, Rob and Fab were the only ones who got burned. Looking back now, it's hard not to wonder, why did everyone blame them and not the man pulling the strings? Follow Blame It On The Fame, Milli Vanilli on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Blame It On The Fame early and ad-free right now by joining

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