Watch What Crappens - #2470 House of the Dragon S02E02: Twin Piques

Episode Date: June 25, 2024

This week on House of the Dragon, twins find themselves, uh, at odds shall we say?  Plus, there are Hand issues afoot and many sullen people.  Watch this recap on video  and listen to all of our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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They glommed on the fact that she writes stories like this. There are murders in all of the books. From Wondery, the makers of Ghost Story and Feta, this is a story about a murder that rocked my little community. Binge all episodes of Happily Never After ad-free right now on Wondery+. 1, 2, 3, 4 Hello and welcome to Winter is Crappening! It's Watcher Crappen's recap show about Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon, or specifically right now House of the Dragon. Hello, I'm Ben Mandelker and that's Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how are you? about Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon, or specifically right now, House of the Dragon.

Hello, I'm Ben Mandelker and that's Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how are you? Well, hi Ben, how are you? Doing just great, doing just great. Everyone, thanks for coming and joining us here. We're here to recap the second episode of season two of House of the Dragons. Ronnie, any thoughts, considerations?

Loved it. I didn't notice the dog getting kicked last week. People are like, how did you not talk about the dog getting kicked? I didn't remember it, that's how. I remember the dog got a hardcore kick last week. But I think at that point, it was towards the end of the recap.

And I think we were sort of like, there's a lot of stuff going on and, um, we had to talk about a child getting murdered. So we went for one heart, horrific moment instead of the other one. I mean, why was I okay with the child getting murdered too? I mean, what was wrong with me last week? I was like, I had the kid got murdered. That was terrible. I would have really been upset if I saw the dog get kicked. I mean, that's just humanity, isn't it?

Where it's like you care more about the dog getting kicked than the child getting murdered. Now, it's not that I don't care about children getting murdered. Of course, that's terrible. But I guess I just saw, I don't know, this blonde leader children, you know, look at the one in charge now. Which by the way, people were saying, oh yeah, it's so nice to see him in such a mature place and it seems like he's doing so much better. Well those those days are over. Okay. They got not doing great. No, he's going through it. So let's dive into it. So the episode opens up. It's very somber, somber times in the castle,

you know, cause the child just got murdered and everyone there's like slow mo people are like walking. There's like sort of pandemonium, they're trying to clearly figure out what's going on, what's going on, and people are getting knocked over in the courtyard. One person has like a vase full of dust and he gets knocked over and the dust goes everywhere. And you know, that guy was like, oh man, that was my favorite dust. I just spilled all my favorite dust. Now how?

Now it's gone. That sucks. Yeah. They're like stopping people and we see Kristin Cole looking like confused as ever. I mean, he looks so confused and he's such a dick. He's so aggressively confused. Yeah. The dust guy is like, oh my God, I'm a dust. And then we go to Agon, who is not only having a fit, like I don't blame him, his kid got murdered. Like have your fit, like who am I to say how to grieve? Let me tell you how not to grieve, okay? Don't ruin other people's craft work.

Your father was making that little model town for years and years, okay? Like that's where he put his grief into his art and then you just shit all over that fuck you Dude, you suck. Yeah, like literally that that replica of Valeria had literally nothing to do with this situation And you just destroyed it. It's like it's like going up to someone's model train set I mean like King King what's his face was up there? But Sarah's what was his name? I forgot his name King King Yeah, King the Sarah Olly offy. He was up there. Basaris, what was his name? I forgot his name. King King King, the Sarah, Olly Offie.

He was up there. He had his little train conductor hat on hole in your face. He can go on your face. King can't kill a deer even with a mallet because he's weak kind of he's up there. He's got a train conductor cap on. He's making his little model. It's so sweet. And you go and you destroy it.

That's just not how you should take out your grief. You just shit all over it. And I really found that to be disgusting, did not like that. I saw a Reddit video of some kids going up and spray painting Stonehenge, I was gonna say, what are the rocks that are in a formation like dominoes? Stonehenge, they spray painted Stonehenge to protest big oil.

What did the rock artist ever do to you? You know, like no one even knows how those things were lifted. Some big alien rock artist made that. And you have to shit all over that because you don't like gas. Get the fuck out of here with your skateboard ass, okay? Some of us need oil. Shut up.

Don't take it out on art. Yeah. There is an alien somewhere with a train conductor hat on who is like so happy that they made their own little model train set in Scotland and you just defiled it. He just wants to make some art and fuck his daughter's best friends. Yeah. Who are completely hideously age inappropriate. Okay.

Let the man have his art. Yeah. So, so a gun King Agon's going wild. He was like knocking all this stuff over, toxic masculinity. I mean, yeah, he's grieving, but he's also being really awful. And he's like, I'll kill them, I'll kill them all. Traitors and villains, I'll kill them all. If you're, let me tell you something.

If they are carrying dust, knock them over. I am serious. There will be no dust selling today, not on my watch. And so he's having a fit and they're like, yeah, yeah, yes, your grace, yes, your grace. So he's smashing the model and screaming and he's like, fire from the sky, this is war, I declare war, I declare war. I'm like, yeah, but it sort of already was that. So it's kind of a lateral move.

And I hate to play this game because a child has died. And I hate playing this. I know how insensitive it sounds. Just remember we're watching a TV show before you get mad at this, but you started it. You know what I mean? Like your team started it. I know how insensitive it sounds. Just remember we're watching a TV show before you get mad at this, but you started it. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like your team started it. I know you personally didn't eat that child and that dragon, but your team did. So you know, if you're going to blame somebody, blame Laura Dern face. That's who you need to be blaming. Speaking of Laura Dern face, Amen just goes walking. He goes walking through. He's just walking around and there's like a map out on the table. And then he just like out of nowhere, he's like, oh, I've decided I'm just going to stop here and bend over.

And oh, look, there's a coin under this table. This coin that definitely seems to be like a coin from Damon. So aha, thank God I decided to kneel down right at the specific place right now. Yeah, this seems like a coin that was given to a rat catcher. They must have been coming for me. So then we go to Allicent and Otto in her quarters and he's like, the villain will be found. We mustn't be shaken by this.

How can we use this? There's a dead kid. Let's use it somehow. Spot parade, dead child parade, dead child dance party. All right, here's what the locals would love. Let's have a dead child pizza party. Everyone's going to love you. Who doesn't love a pizza party? Who doesn't love a dead child to rally around? Am I right? Dead child TikTok challenge. Okay, it's going to take over King's Landing. We're going to have a choreographer come out here. Everyone's gonna be into it. It's gonna be such a trend. I think this is really what

we do. Dead children swallowing Tide Pods on TikTok. Are you up for it? Need to really rally the city. By the way, I was just noting so our note taker Chelsea, she really understands the show in ways that I don't. And that she wrote that when Amen picked up that coin, it wasn't that the coin signified that, Oh, this is like Damon did this. The coin somehow signified that the killers were looking for him and not for the child. I don't know how anyone is supposed to get that from looking at that coin,

but she sure did. Thanks for making me look stupid. Cause I just went along with the note. I was like, yeah, I acted like I knew that the whole time. And then you're like, we know nothing. We know nothing, John snow. So then, um, let's see. So they're talking about the, you know, the sadness and stuff and like, who would have paid for this? And she's like, you know, this is my fault. This is karma. God's making me pay for this and they're punishing me. And he's like, what did you do? Listen to me. We're

going to make this work for us. All right. Dead child cupcake party. All right. Everyone's going to be on our side. We're going to get every vote in the city now. People love cupcakes. People love Dead Chiltern. We're going to get every vote in the city now. People love cupcakes. People love Dead Chilton. We're going to make this work. They're like, listen, daughter, why are you? She's like, you know, the gods punished us. They punished me, I've sinned. I've said, daughter, why are you taking this?

What sins? Not like you were sleeping with the god or something like that. So stop putting this all onto your shoulders, daughter. So then we go to Agon in Thailand. And he's like, and where were the members of this council where the murderer threatened their king? Now, that's not a terrible question, but it very rarely gets turned on Sir Kristin. And when it does, it's just like, okay, you know, like that, maybe I watched too much below deck, but he's the boss.

So he should be in trouble. Yeah. So Kristin is like, I was a bad your grace. And definitely a bad alone and not doing something ludicrous like sleeping with the Queen consort. Am I right? Am I the Dowager Queen? Whatever, whatever names we are definitely not doing that. Anyway, I was in I was in bed.

I had put my blackout blinds on because, you know, sleep is very difficult for me and it was just nighty night for me. No problem whatsoever. Out bed instead of safeguarding the sanctity of my family. And Otto's like, come on now, we'll know who did this soon enough. In the meantime, party favors. Should we give out Nintendo Switches or just plastic donkeys? Is this a high budget or a low budget dead child party? I don't care, Grandfather! Who did this? Who did this? Is there any question who did this? Who would do this save the bitch queen of bastards? Like, that could really be so many

people on this show. Could you be a little more specific? The smug seaward of Dragonstone who sits on her rock laughing at me. Mourning and laughing. Mourn laugh. Okay, you can't get mad at somebody for mourn laughing because your brother killed her child recently. Let's just not forget that. Okay. Forget. Yeah. And he's like, she's fucking laughing at me. So then he smashes a cup, which you know, the cup is art to stop smashing art, someone made that cup. It's not like just target you can go to

target and just get one of those cups. Somebody spent a lot of time making that out of something, sir. Auto just turns to someone's okay, note for the next small council meeting, plastic, everything plastic and run me into invent something that's like glass, but doesn't break as badly or something that maybe we could reuse or recycle somebody paper cups. Do we have paper cups in the red keep? We could use those instead. So, um, so then Laris comes in and Laris is like, if I may your grace, my lords, the God has detained someone. The man we apprehended is known to us.

He's a good cloak. He's noted for his brutal nature. Oh, is it is it is it George, George down in the shoe? No, no, I'm just gonna get to who it was. It was we caught him fleeing the gate. It sure wasn't George. There's no George. There's no George in the castle. It was a man. We call him cheese. George. There's no George. There's no George in the castle. It was a man. We call him Cheese. Cheese? There's someone named Cheese in this castle? We hired someone named Cheese and then we're all surprised that he went and killed someone? I mean, really, everyone, we've got to really work on our personnel.

Cheese really is a killer. Everybody knows it. Dairy. Has anybody seen what dairy does to me? Of course it's a man named Cheese. There's no such thing as George intolerance, but there is such a thing as lactose intolerance. Am I right people? Anyone? High five. So Laris is like, oh, he's a gold cloaks noted for his brutal nature. Brutal nature.

Yeah, okay, Larry, why did we have a rat catcher noted for his brutal nature? Okay. Can we get some better HR around here? Let's not hire brutal rat catchers. It's not good for anybody. Well, to be fair, this was a guard, not the rat catcher. The rat catcher is unknown, right? So he was also Laris is one to talk about brutal nature.

Am I right? Am I right people? So he is fleeing the gate of the gods with the child's head in the sack. Which is weird. I mean, like, okay, and I guess you have to bring evidence to Damon, but also draw a picture. You know what I mean? I know you didn't have iPhones then but you had drawers just have someone draw a piece of picture or a picture of a head.

You know, why do you have to bring the actual head? I mean, of course, it's art, which means egg on would probably ruin it in anger. But, but like this is before fingerprints. So like use that to your advantage. Why are you bringing the most crazy piece of evidence against you? Why do you, why are you keeping a head in your bag? Also, they're going to hear about it the next day. You know what I mean?

You know, he was doing one of those things like, I'm, it's not a head, I'm pregnant, like sir, you have a head under your shirt. No, no, no, I've just, I had a very large meal last night. We can tell it's a child's head. No, no, no. This is not a child's head. So we've taken it out of your bag, it's actually a child's, it's a pencil eraser, all right?

It's a tribute, it's actually a tribute to that child. So then that egg on's like, I'll kill him myself. So then Sir Christian stops Agon from walking out and Otto's like, well, we do well to get information on what we can from the background. I trust in the mastery of your trade, Lord Laris. Go find out your information, you creepy pervy little man. And I go, but why? Why? I just want to listen. Did anyone hear me say I declare war? I said, one, two, three, four, I declare a thumb war. Oh, shit, it was a thumb war that I declared. Okay, I understand why people have not gone to war yet, but why do we have to do all this? We know our enemy. Why do we have to

actually find out for sure? We know it was her. We know who did this. And they're like, well, girl, you've got a lot of enemies. Okay, so why kill one when there might be more that we can kill in one fell swoop? Okay, we need to find all the enemies. Okay, not just one enemy. And he's like, I suppose you're right. Iron Rod. By the way, that is the best name ever. I was trying to come up with nicknames for myself, but god, Iron Rod was already taken. It still just keeps coming up to my lips. No pun intended. My red iron rod. God, I love that name.

I just realized I'm the king. So guess what? I'm now iron rod and you're dandelion. Let's get, he's dandelion, I'm iron rod. So everyone- Well, actually it doesn't have much to do with cocks, sir. It's actually, I'm very good at ironing. So nevermind.

You can have iron rod back. You're iron rod, I'll be dandelion. You know, I actually, all right. I don't know who's dandelion. We're going iron rod back your own rod. I'll be done. You know, I actually All right. I don't know who's dandelion. We're gonna table that for right now for now. Just call me a thumb war big cock Big thumb big thumb. I went all the thumb wars So Otto's like this is correct in one sense We must determine what happened and if we're in the keeper in peril and another sense of all that't matter." And they're like, oh my God, it's Reneira. Okay. And he's like, where? But assaulted within our own walls, our own beds. You ate her son. Your family ate her son. So I'm sorry to have to keep reminding you and not to overshadow your grief, but you started it.

He's like, I will not be seen as weak. And I was like, you've already been seen as weak. Egon, do you not remember when a dragon burst to the floor and your coronation, you peed your pants. We all saw it and everyone laughed. Okay. It was embarrassing for you. Yeah. Otto just loses it here. Otto's been doing a pretty good job of staying calm and keeping control, but he does not. He's like, listen here, stupid. We are throwing a dead child donkey party,

or I'm gonna throw a temper tantrum. Do you understand? And he's like, no, we're not throwing a dead donkey party. And so he goes fucking crazy, Otto. He's like, you stupid anyway, and you're skinny and you're a loser, and everyone calls you short, stupid. We are going to drag that child's body through the streets if it's the last thing I do.

And Alison's like, I don't know about that. And he's like, I will not have my little son's body dragged through the street like a dead dog. And he's like, not dragged, honored with cupcakes. Everyone's going to love it. Everyone's going to throw rice at the baby. It'll be just delicious. So Egan's starting to sob and he's like, let no one say I do not grieve. Jaharis was my grandson, which is funny because I actually technically he's my great grandson, but I don't want to age myself too much. I'm not ready to accept a great grandfather just yet. I loved him.

I will not have him die in vain. I will have him die in a parade with rice being thrown at him. Are we down? So, yeah, he's like, no one's going to support Renera when they hear she's killing babies. So let's do that. So Otto's like, you'll have your war, but you may need to double your strength and you might now that everyone's going to hate Rey, Rey. And Alison's like, we have to do this. So, that's it. Let's get her. Let's make her look stupid, right? So,

Otto's like, the realm must see the sorrow of the crown, a sorrow best expressed through its most gentle souls. Look at your mother, normally so happy. Now they're going to see it. Well, with this face, actually, she's always got this face. You really do always have that, my child has just been murdered face, don't you? Anyway, use that one. Keep it. It's gonna work today. Finally, your mother gets to use her normal everyday resting face.

Oh god, lucky day for us, isn't it? Iron Rod, do me a favor. Can you find her a hobby after this is all done? Look, she's miserable. Just give us something to do. Thank you. Not hot. Her husband will destroy it in a fit of anger. a hobby after this is all done. Like she's miserable. Just give us something to do. Thank you. Not her husband will destroy it.

Not that, but I don't know, like cooking, knitting, archery, anything really. So now we're in Helena's quarters and Alison walks in and basically says, you know, there's going to be a funeral. And Elena's like, I don't want to do that. And I was like, no, well, I don't want to do it either. But like, we have to do it with, this is our duty. It's our obligation. We need to show. And I was like, I don't, I don't know any of these people. Like, I don't want to be close to the poor's.

It's disgusting. Okay. I want to grieve in a fancy place here. Yeah. Yeah. And so then she just shoves the cloak into her arms and she's like, this is his cloak. So then, um, you know, people gather to watch this funeral in the streets and stuff and they do parade it through the streets. And then did, by the way, I have a question. Did you think given this show and the way it loves to relish in like the macabre, I thought for sure that, you know, we see it, we see the little, the little boy and his like head is stitched onto his body. I thought for sure something was

going to happen where like the wagon was going to stop short and the head was going to roll off the wagon. I a hundred percent thought that was going to happen. And later on in like a few minutes when they're like the wagon gets stuck in a pothole and the crowd starts to surge, I was like, Oh my God, it's going to happen. The little boy's head is going to come rolling off it. I feel like that happened. And they were like, HBO was like, you know what? We just can't do much. It's too far. Yeah. It's too far guys. Right. I don't know. Um,

but I always feel a sense of doom on this show whenever anything is paraded through the streets. I know. Same dong, same dong. Something bad always happens. Yeah, it's never good. They got a flat tire on their wooden car. That's it.

Well, you're just traumatized from living in LA too long. You never know when you're going to hit a pothole that's going to ruin your car and your friend's head is going to go rolling down the street. It's true. Things have never been said. Yeah. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap-pins commercial. Hey y'all, it's your girl, Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast, Baby This Is Kikiiki Palmer is blowing up y'all cuz every

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Listen to episodes everywhere on May 22nd or you can listen ad free by joining Wondery Plus and the Wondery app on Apple Podcasts. you can listen ad free by joining Wondry Plus and the Wondry app on Apple Podcast. So now we go to where blood is being held captive in a cell. And Laris comes in and he's like, Hmm, hello there, wacky boy. And he's like, okay, I'm going to, he opens like his toolbox of like things to torture you with. He's like, but a knives, knife, knives, saws, saw knives, shoes. I'm going to just hit you with the shoe if I feel like it. It hurts. Don't worry. What hurts worse? You would think a knife out of the shoes, but in the right place. Am I right?

God, I love feet. Show me your feet. Show me. I've got a boner. Why do I have a boner? I'm at work. I'm at work. Blood's like, uh, no, no, I, I'm not even a boner. I don't have a boner, I'm at work, I'm at work. Blood's like, no, no, I'm not even gonna, no, I don't wanna be tortured. I'm just gonna say, David Targaryen, David Targaryen, you paid us, you paid us, you paid us. Oh, so his name is Blood. I'm sorry, the rat catcher was Cheese.

So after all that talk about Cheese, it was really Blood. By the way, could it be more obvious that this guy was the killer? He had a head in his bag and his name is Blood. I mean, really, stealth, you to work on yourself a little bit. Tomer Shepard Yeah. So then we cut to the funeral procession and Helena is freaking out because there are people everywhere. I mean, it's like social anxiety to the max, you know, which like, who can blame her? And people are yelling at her. And they're yelling

in scary ways. I think they're yelling, like they're trying to be supportive, but they're scary faced to people. I mean, to her, I think in her way, it's like Ross Dress for Less people where you're just like being yelled at like, Ross Dress for Less, I'll behold the words of a Narrow-Targaryen man. She's like, thanks for your support, but you're terrifying me. Please get away from my car. Okay, get away from my car. Listen, thanks. Listen, we went to a Taylor Swift concert

and the little girls behind us were screaming and they sounded like they were being stabbed in their midsection, but it was like, but they were screaming out of love and joy, but it sort of translates as horror. And so Helena's just sort of like, she's like the Taylor Swift of King's Landing and she's just hearing all the Swifties, the King's Landing Swifties yelling, and they're yelling with love, but she's

like, oh, this is my first time doing this. I didn't realize. And it's like, it's overwhelming for her. Yeah. So then back in the jail cell, Blood's like, are you going to hurt me? Please stop rubbing your penis against my foot. And he's like, no, but I cannot vouch for his grace. He's probably going to hurt you. Get in here, your grace. That was your entrance line. Get in here, you rascal. So, Aegon comes in and he's not going to torture. I was thinking you're going to be king and this is Game of Thrones and you need to know how to torture a bitch. So, let's get to torturing, you know? But he doesn't. He just brings in a mace and beats the guy on the head. King Aegon, his vibe is not torture.

He likes to take a big swing. He likes a big punch. That's his vibe. Ah. He's a puncher. Okay. He's a puncher, not a torturer. Hmm.

So then he's like, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. So it's the funeral procession. Funeral. Yeah. Yeah, funeral procession. So then the funeral possession, we cut back to the funeral possession and, um, the, the procession gets stuck in a pothole, which, you know, you would have thought they would have cleared the potholes before they started watching through the streets. And so now it's stuck and now the town, all the, all the city folk, all the small people are now start to like surge around the horse and

carriage and it's coming chaotic. The guards are trying to push it. And I was like, okay, here it comes. This little child's head is going to come rolling off. This is, this is the moment. So it's be a moment of pure terror, but it actually doesn't result in anything. It's just a moment of like anxiety for Helena. Well, good. I don't want to see a child's head rolling around. Geez. No one wants to see that. I just assume because this show loves doing shit like that, you know?

Yeah, they really do. So then we go to Ray Ray's council room and they're like, well, the boy's head was taken. Apparently there is no security in any of these castles as we're about to find out ourselves and there's now a dead child and she's like, oh my god, and they think I did this? So listen, everyone who knows Teddy Mellencamp knows that she's a wuss. Tell them Teddy Mellencamp is not a murderer, okay? She's not terribly interesting, but she doesn't kill people. All right, for fuck's sake, my name is Ray Ray. It's the cutest name in the kingdom. I'm not gonna do this. I literally just lost my child. Now, if you were behind this,

make no eye contact with anyone else in the room. Okay, okay, you're looking at me, you're looking at me, you're looking at me. Damon, what are you looking at right now? He's like, oh, no, nothing. Damon's like, mm. Damon's literally like. Whistling.

So that weather today, it's surprisingly warm. Is it not? me. David's literally like, so that weather today has surprisingly warm is it not? Should we all take a stroll outside in this unseasonably warm weather? Anyway, okay, meeting Why do you have a news? Why do you have a news tablet in front of your face? He's like, Oh, what are you talking about? I'm not allowed to read the news during meetings anymore. So news going on. All right. read the news during meetings anymore. There's news going on, all right?

Damon, what is that box for? What box? It literally says, fit for child's head. Did you order a baby head? Did you do that? Are you, is this a box, is this a shadow box for a baby head? And Ray Ray is just like,

well, just call up Alicent and be like, I'm not a child murderer, okay? Everyone knows Ray Ray does not just like, well, just call up Allicet and be like, I'm not a child murderer. Okay. Everyone knows Ray Ray does not kill children. Okay. I'm warning too. And they're like, yeah, I don't know if she's going to believe that. So do you have any other ideas? She's like, can someone record me singing a karaoke song? Because she loves karaoke music. We don't have the technology for that. We don't have any crows talented enough to take that long of a vocal message. All right. I don't know, maybe edible arrangement. Maybe that will help. I'm just trying to think of something out loud here.

Can we just invite her to a cupcake party? Everyone loves cupcake parties. invite her to a cupcake party. Everyone loves cupcake parties. Really, I mean, I just I just I what about an E card? To be concerned, an E card be a Raven, a Raven card, anything really. So Tesseras is like, I'll fly out on Vormax. Okay, because Renise is needed in the Gullet and I can watch for movements from King's Landing. And they're like, no. She's like, no, not another one of my children, damn it. Yeah, she's like, don't fly out on Vermax, OK?

So then Sir Alfred's like, well, the death of Prince Lucerius was a shock and an insult. A mother so aggrieved might naturally seek relief in retribution. Because Renie was like, does anyone here really think I would have done this? And he's like, well, maybe. And she's, are you suggesting so Alfred, that my grief drove me to order the decapitation of a child? It's like, well, I mean.

He's like, yeah, yeah, totally think so. And she's like, mind yourself, but you don't know. She looks at Damon like, you fuck. She says mind yourself. It could have been to Damon because she's like, I know what you're doing. He's like, singing, just singing in the rain. When we're talking about something, I'm sorry. I was just thinking watching, I was watching a rerun of Will and Grace last night. Such a funny show. Should we talk about that instead? No? So then, now she confronts him. They go to their little room alone. And she's like, so did you send assassins to murder children in their beds, you dirty, dirty boys? Like,

in their beds, you dirty, dirty boys." Like, what? I sent the queen vengeance for her son. And she's like, okay, and what did you tell this vengeance? Did you say if that, because he's dead now, he'd decapitate. Did you, what did you tell him? He's like, oh, nothing. I just, Marisa provided me with names and Sutterfewd, sorry, Miserea, just gave me some names and I was clear in my instructions. Go kill Aegon or somebody. Somebody blonde. Kill somebody blonde and tiny. All right, if you can't find Laura Dern face, just give me a blonde, tiny person. I said kill Aemond and if you can't kill Aemond, kill someone whose head could fit in a bag and just see if you can get that out of that castle just as a thought experiment." And she's like, he's like, I cannot be responsible for a mistake. I cannot be responsible if Aemond

was not to be found. What were your instructions then? He's like, you know, it's just instructions. That's such a, it's such a strange word, isn't it really? It's more like vibe. Like, what's the vibe? Like, what do you want to do next? Like, it's improv. strange word, isn't it, really? It's more like vibe, like what's the vibe? Like what do you wanna do next? Like let's improv. You know, that's really what it was. Damon was like, I cannot be responsible. And she's like, cannot be responsible?

If Aiman was not to be found, what were your instructions then? And she's like, well, I mean, I don't know. I mean, like, I was like, I mean, I was like, well, you can always kill a child. But it was like a joke. It was like, you can kill a child, girlfriend. You know, it wasn't like you could kill a child. It was like, kill a child, you know? Like, you know, that was the vibe., you can always kill a child. But it was like a joke. It was like, you can kill a child, girlfriend. You know, it wasn't like you could kill a child.

It was like, kill a child, you know? Like, you know, that was the vibe. And it's like, not my fault. I didn't want to send a humor. So I kind of what you did. You said that if you can't find that child, just any child will do. And he's like, well, we are paying them.

You just let employees do whatever they want, can you? You know, they've got unions now. You can't just send a killer to just do nothing and expect not to pay them nothing. They'll get paid either way. Killer unions, all right? You have wounded me, weakened my claim to the throne, my ability to raise an army, my standing among my own council. And she goes, no, no, I did not.

I literally did none of those things. You can't blame other people for that. That's your fault. Not my fault. Not my fault. And she's like, so here we come to it. I don't trust you. Okay. I don't trust you. And I've never trusted you really. But I tried to, like I told myself to trust you, but you're you. Okay. You fucked your niece. Basically. Okay. You fucked your niece. Basically, you fucked your brother's daughter. So I guess that should have been my first clue. But here we are. Yeah, you used me as a tool to grab your stolen and hair. I was just a pawn in your game. I cannot believe that me your niece who you is now my now your wife. I can't believe it. I was

a tool. I was a tool all along. So he's like, I've served you faithfully. She says, have you or have you used me as a tool with which to grasp at your own stolen inheritance? And he gets all mad, like it's not true. And he's like, I'm the one who placed the crown on your head. So, and she's like, yeah, you sure did. But before that, you tried to lead a council of war while I gave labor alone in my bedchamber. And then after that, you just kept fucking me over, basically. And tried to take my job, making me look stupid, okay? I'm not an idiot. And he's like, a folly, a folly, a folly. Oh, come on, stop saying folly. A folly! To give up my brother's throne to the traitorous lies of Otto Hightower, my throne, Damon, I think you use my words and excuse.

And he's like, oh, so you think I'm some kind of monster. Oh, you kill one little boy and suddenly you're a monster. Yeah. And she's like, I don't know what you are. What are you? He's like, I'm an extremely what you are. What are you? He's like, I'm an extremely blonde person. Isn't that enough? He's like, well, I'm gonna go raise an army

in your name, yours. Well, she wouldn't need that whole fucking army if you hadn't just started a war by murdering the king's child. Yeah. You know I'm dumb. Okay. But this person is like a toothpaste company. He creates problems that he can solve.

Okay, I read that in the tipping point. You create a problem, you're like, guess what's a huge problem? Pollution is now staining teeth, so you need to get a special pollution unstaining toothpaste. So you've created a problem to solve the problem, okay? You can't get one past Malcolm Gladwell, sir. Right. It's not, it's not, it's not that necessity breeds invention. It's that invention breeds

necessity. And I hate everyone. So, you know, she's like, she's like, do you accept me as your queen and ruler? Do you accept me as your queen and ruler? Cause let me tell you something, I go into any gay bar and they're all like, yes, queen, but I'm not hearing it from you right now. And he's like, he's like, that's funny because that's exactly what they do to me. I mean, how were you chosen to sit on the throne? I mean, look at your hair stringy. Well, mine is beautiful. Okay. And she's like, that was my throne. Okay. And she goes, well, and she's like, you know, you did not lose it. You gave it away because you thought only of your own glory and not of my father or his grief

when he needed you the most. Pete It's like your father was a wuss. Give me a break, all right? He was afraid to be seen in my shadow with his art. And she's like, oh, God, nice. And he's like, oh, I know him better than you because I was raised with him, all right, before you were even a glimmer in his eye. So, do you believe he made you air because of your all great wisdom? No, he just wanted to get back at me. She's like, how dare you, sir? Yeah, I mean, he was an absolute weakling. Do you remember when he tried to kill that deer? He lifted went up to the deer and he like smacked it and the deer didn't die.

This guy could not kill a deer. It's embarrassing. Okay. And I'm supposed to live with that. That's my brother. Okay. And he's like, he was just jealous. And he didn't want me to look better than him. And she's like, he's not afraid of you. He couldn't trust you. And I can't trust you. No one trusts you. And he's like, well, he was a fool. And he couldn't spill blood to achieve greatness. Well, guess what? I will kill every child in this town. I thought you didn't kill children. I don't. I'm just saying that I will kill them.

It's an expression. It would be fun if I did do it. It's an expression like, oh, I'm so mad I will kill every child in this town. I've never heard that expression. I just started it, okay? Like expression starts somewhere. I literally just started it.

So just like give it some room to breathe and get in life, okay? So that's a big fight. And so he goes, he leaves. And he's out of there. It was pretty good. It was nice to see her finally say, shut the fuck up, you user asshole, you know?

Because I feel like a lot of times on this show, they don't ever get to say that. They may just kind of get away with it. So it's nice for her to be like, yeah, fuck you, you fucking user. It was also like a little bit more of like a scene of two humans getting mad at each other, as opposed to the usual sort of like Game of Thrones talk.

And so I really liked it a lot. So he leaves and then Bela enters, cause she's like, hello father. And he's like, so she walks in and she's like, so you wish to see me, your grace? And she's like, yes, when morning comes take Moondancer and keep a watch on King's Landing. I must know what course they're going to take next. She's like, I will be vigilant. By the way, I was just wondering,

you know how like everyone's dragons name like, Barracks and Cyrex and Calax and Barracks and Begar. Why is mine had to be named Moon Dancer? Can I get like, can we do like a renaming ceremony, something a little more scary? I was going through a Stevie Nicks phase at that time. It was a very important time. And I have my witchy lady. But Moon Dancer, can we just like rethink that for a moment? No, no, it was a Fleetwood Mag moment and you have to honor it. It just seems like like a Stevie like sort of a name, you know, I wanted to name you Black Hat. I wanted to name a Black Hat, you know, fun time moomoos, but it was just didn't have a ring to it, you

know. You know, thunder only happens when it rains, you know, so I get on Moondancer and keep an eye on King's Landing, would you? So we see a dragon coming out of his cave. Dragons really do not look badass when they're walking because he's like doing that like walking on his elbows kind of thing. Yeah. It's like a war movie where they're like, we're trying to stay on the ground so we're walking on our elbows. He's doing that like, I'm walking on my elbows but trying to look look tough. And I'm like, you're not scary. You're literally walking on your elbows. Stupid. Stupid dragon walking on his elbows. And then he comes out and I'm like,

you're literally terrifying. I'm sorry, I made fun of you. Elbow walker. It's like, it's like watching an owl walk. I don't know if you've ever seen videos of owls walking, but they look so silly when they walk. Like when owls, owls are flying and they're in the trees, they're so majestic and curious and they're full of wisdom. But then when they're like, I'm an owl, you know, it's just some things you just have to really know your medium, right? Like where you work best.

Yeah. So it's Damon's dragon. That's how he takes off. And can I just say that dragon's like, almost made your barf. I mean, why do dragons have to torture you? Can you just fly? Why do you have to like dive?

Yeah, he like, he can't just spread his wings and flap them. He has to like do a nose dive. Like I'm gonna kill you every time. Yeah, that's not cool. That's very terrifying. Okay, we all know what it's like when there's turbulence on a plane,

even like a small bit of turbulence. Whoa. So like to just like, just start off by it with, with, with a kamikaze kind of like, it's that's intense. I think we can work on that. Yeah. That's a good note. That's a good note for the dragon. Thank you. I thought so. So, um, we go back to the dragon comes out the cave, Damon goes off to who knows where, we don't know where he goes to, he's missing. And then Helena is now walking through the castle and she has a moment where she sees Aegon

and they share a look. And later on, when the creators of the show are talking, they're like, in that moment they see each other and they are the only ones that really understand what they're going through. I'm like, yeah, but like literally everyone on the show seems to have like their children murdered at all times. So I think there's probably, it's maybe time we started a support group for these people.

Yeah. Um, I love that little after show thing that they do on this. And I love that the, that Ryan Condal is still in that little leather jacket. I know. This is the jacket that makes me cool. I'm like, you're already cool. You're like the fucking show runner of Game of Thrones. Like, you don't need that jacket. I just feel like his partner was like,

you look like a nerd, honey. He's like, excuse me, you just can't go out there looking like a nerd. You need this motorcycle jacket. Please wear it every time a camera's on you, please. You are a writer in Hollywood. You are a very cool person. Put on the leather jacket, show people. Show people on you, please. You are a writer in Hollywood. You are a very cool person.

Put on the leather jacket, show people. Show people. I just feel like Ryan Condal did not go pick out that jacket. I just, I have that sense. And if I ever have the pleasure of meeting him, I'm gonna be like, who's making you wear that jacket? Blink twice if your partner is making you wear that. He's definitely not picking that out.

He's got like a J.Crew like over shirt. He's definitely got like a definitely not picking that out. He's got like a J. Crew like over shirt He's definitely got like a white semi stained polo because he's always in the office or something He is like he is reaching for a Patagonia vest and someone's like, uh, how about a leather jacket instead if you're going on camera? Yeah Okay, so then um Let's see now we're watching or in Helena's bedroom now and Kristen Cole is watching the guys take away the little bed which is so sad and take out the bloody mattress. Yeah.

And he's like feeling really guilty because he has that look in his eyes. He's like, oh shit, if I weren't having sex with the queen, maybe I could have stopped this. And you can see that he feels really bad about this. But since we know him, we also know that he's about to just be a total dick about it to someone. And also that it makes him horny. Because like literally everything makes him horny. He's like, oh my God, I am feeling so guilty

about that child being murdered. I cannot wait to fuck his mom again later, or his grandma, cannot wait. By the way, how is this girl supposed to be a grandma? Are we not ever gonna address that? Why don't they put like, at least do some community theater makeup, like a couple lines on her face with some brown pencil?

I mean, something guys. Yeah, like literally like 25 years have like gone by and she literally looks like she's 27. She looks exactly the same. It doesn't make any sense. So then she's gonna, she's setting herself a bath and everything and you know, Kristin Cole, the man made in the leads so that way

she can have her bathroom, cause that's her thing. She takes bath solo now. She doesn't let anyone, you know, wash her. And Kristin Cole standing by the door and Alison comes up to him and is like, have you told anyone? He's like, and what do you take me for? She's like, we're literally an idiot. You've done nothing but being an idiot for like literally ever since I've known you my entire life. By the way, age beautifully. I'd like to add. She's like, Oh, well, you're, you're the religious types. You're always seeking forgiveness for things. And he's like, there's no forgiveness for what I've done.

Fuck you later. She's like, fuck you later. Commercials, here comes one right now. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground, and I heard somebody say, call 911.

As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels, There are murders in all of the books. that she was playing them out in real life?

Follow Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Happily Never After, Dan and Nancy early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Then we go to Chris. Okay. So now's where he's going to like make it about something else. Cause he can't fucking bear the guilt or whatever.

Or, and also just out of straight manipulation. I don't even think it's that he can't bear the guilt, he's just gonna manipulate the fuck out of someone and knowingly get them killed just to act like he's done something. And to start a war. It'd just be like, oh, no, I'm not, I didn't fail my job. Look at me, here I am doing my job.

So he walks into the cafeteria I mean last time he got upset this upset was when he Killed that gay guy because he felt like he was being rejected by Ray Ray. Yeah, exactly So he's like he goes to the cafeteria and he's like Eric. He's like Eric Eric and then Eric's like, oh, I thought you said Eric, not Eric. Yes. No, I said Eric, me. It's not me. It's not me. Eric. No, Eric. Yes. Go ahead. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. He's like, Well, by the way, your your robe is is dirty. What's what the

fuck is up with your robe right now? It's like, Oh, it's a reminder of yesterday. I think the procession was muddy. We don't have streets here. I don't know if you've noticed. We walk in the mud. Okay, here's what's happened. You have given me a uniform that drags along the ground because there's no such thing as a street. And that one's dirty. All right, would you like to invent streets? No, can I eat my food? I haven't eaten food yet. It was a long night of walking through not streets.

And he's like, you defy my authority, Sir Eric. I'm sorry, are you talking to me? Just for now, just call me Jennifer for right now. Just so we can get through this conversation. Because I just keep getting confused when you say my brother's name. Well, you're Eric, right? No, I'm not Eric, I'm Eric. So he's like, the white cloak is a symbol of our purity

and our fidelity. Oh, you fucking hypocrite. You are such a hypocrite. Why do you even need to use that language? Isn't it hypocritical enough what you're about to do? Like you're about to do the shittiest thing ever. Do you need to add hypocrite on top of it? Fucking loser, fucking circus thing. Yeah, he's the toxic male of our of our show, the most toxic male,

I should say. So he's basically like, guilting him. He's like shaming him for getting his his, his, his robe dirty. And so he's like, well, oh, well, I've erred, Lord, but I've also worked up an appetite. Can I get back to eating this mush, please? So he's actually like, okay, sorry, I'll go change my jacket, save my pop tart, basically. And then Chris is like, Oh, and where were you when the king when the when Jairus was murdered? Where were you then? He's like, I was with King Agon. He goes, Oh, really? So you weren't in private quarters where you might have prevented the crime. It's like, I was with King Agon. He goes, oh really? So you went in private quarters where you might've prevented the crime?

It's like, I don't know which part of King Agon says that he was the priority, but let me remind you, I was with King Agon, you idiot. So basically, Kristen is like, oh, okay. So you didn't save him. And he goes, well, where were you then? Sir. And why was the queen not granted a protector?

Like what the hell? And then Kristen's like, oh, you're the boss. And he kicks it over. It's like, I'm the one who has been raised to management here, not you, sir. It's a big episode of men throwing things. You had King Agon throwing things like in the small council and in the model room you also had Damon Damon through something when he was in his fight with

Ray Ray and now here's Kristen knocking over a table. It's just it's too much. It's too much Yeah, meanwhile, the women are getting their children murdered and they're like, okay, how can we make this better? And the men are just throwing things around. Yeah. So Jennifer is like, well, you know, it pains me and I'm not going to get over it. And this is already torturing me, sir. And he's like, well, here's what you should do. You have an evil twin.

And how do I know you're not evil too on top of letting the, letting the king's son die? He's like, oh, for fuck's sake, now you're going to blame me for my brother being evil? If I was evil, I would have gone with my brother. Okay. Jesus Christ. I mean, at least there I'm the hot one. What am I here? You know? Yeah, exactly.

And so he's like, here's what we're going to do. A lot of people have said that Game of Thrones is really just a fancy soap opera with dragons. I want to prove them wrong. This is not a soap opera. So go to Dragonstone and pretend to be your brother and then kill the queen. No, I'm going to say it's like nobody's going to get you wrong. Nobody just pretend you're the really nice Lindsay Lohan

Some good old-fashioned twin drama So basically this whole thing was to guilt this guy and they're going to get murdered just a war So he's like you need to go to Dragonstone pretend. You're the lesser Good-looking one and kill Rhaenyra. Kill Rhaenyra in her own hall. What could go wrong? Yeah, he's like, what?

He's like, listen, I think we just proved last night that the security in these castles are shit. Okay, guess we don't have streets. We certainly don't have ring camps. Just pretend you're selling Girl Scout cookies and kill her. What do you need? Listen, I just spoke to an oracle and they said in about, I don't know, 2000 years, there's gonna be something called ADT. So we've got a nice window before that happens.

So just just go in. No one's gonna know the new alarms. Just go just go and kill pretend you're your brother. It's fine. So that's a plan. He's going to pretend he's his twin and go in there and kill Ray Ray. So then, which on this show just could work. I mean, you really never know.

Yeah. So then, uh, just Sarah's and Bayla are talking and, um, they're talking about how depressed shit is around here. Like, wow, it's like super depressing around here, right? Like, yeah, let's go shoot stuff. Okay. Just Sarah's now has, um, John snow hair out of nowhere. Uh, that was noted. It really happened last week because basically last week all happened.

It felt like, you know, a few days after his brother got killed, but like his hair went from being sort of like a, uh, like a an early season Joyce DeWitt on threes company to just fall on Jon Snow by the time he got to the wall. I think there must be something in the air up there in the North that just like really perms your hair up. You know? It's like the Rachel. It just got, everybody started getting it.

Yeah, I got the Rachel. Yeah. So anyway, yeah, these two are talking and they're just sort of, honestly, this was the one scene in the show that I kind of zoned out when I was watching. Like it's sort of a young love scene. And that happens to me every time. Like if I'm watching a show, cause you know how musicals there's always like, and then the young people fall in love. Like every show has to have that.

And it's always the most boring part. It's always the most basic ass people like, Oh my God, I'm young and you're young too. We're both thin. We should totally be in love and And it's always the most boring part. It's always the most basic ass people like, oh my God, I'm young and you're young too. We're both thin. We should totally be in love and sing songs to each other. It's always the lamest part of the show. And this is kind of that part where they're like, oh my God, let's talk about young people things.

I'm like, oh my God, call me when you've had some children murdered. You know what I mean? Like I need more trauma because right now you're just too young and adorable to pay attention to. I can't. And the way she's pointing her gun, she's like, oh my God, I'm just a girl pointing my gun.

I was like, how is this show so heavy on the feminism and then you have this girl aiming her gun like that? I can't with this. It was making me mad. And then I was like, now you're being like, you're making fun of a girl of how she holds a gun too girly on Game of Thrones. What's wrong with you? Who are you becoming? Who are you even? I hated myself in that moment. And so

I zoned out too. Also, it's funny to think that this is going to be a, this is a love story because I just remember on Game of Thrones, how horrified everyone was like, Oh my God, Jon Snow basically just had sex with his aunt. And then on this show, it's like, Oh, look, so these two, they're about to have sex at some point, this brother, sister, half brother, half sister. And then you have it Ray Ray like with her uncle, it's just all over the place that we're totally desensitized. So we're like, oh, it's a love scene. So now we go back to Kingsland. Now we're in the brothel and we have Aemond lying in a prostitute's arms. And it's one of those things. It's so funny with Game of Thrones. Game of Thrones are like, Oh, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits, tits.

And then they're like, Oh, but we have to show a penis once in a while to show that like we're progressive. So they usually find some like, some like guy in dirt. And they like they have them like walk naked across the screen. And then they show beautiful women, beautiful women naked. And then like some like some guy looks terrible. So now the reason why I bring that up is now here's Aymond lying naked in the prostitute's arms but it's not going to show his dick because it's like, oh no, we don't show men's penises on this show. So unless they're really, really ugly.

Well, this show isn't really boob heavy either, right? Because I remember they showed one of the hookers walking around but they were only, really ugly. Well, this show isn't really boob heavy either, right? Cause I remember they showed one of the hookers walking around, but they were only showing her head. And I was like, wow, look at this show getting all respectful on the- There were some boobs in the scene. There were some boobs, there's not as much as in the original Game of Thrones.

You know what, I wonder if I'm so gay that my eyes have just started giving everything blurry boxes. You know? Like when boobs come on. You start to pixelate. You're so gay, you pixelated out the boobs. Yeah.

So, yeah, so he's basically cuddled up with this Hua, and you know, he's like being vulnerable, which is like sweet, I guess, because it's the classic like, I'm not here to fuck, I'm just here to talk. And then she's like, but I could fuck, yeah, person with feelings. And he's like, no, really,

I just want to talk without an eye patch. That's all I need to turn me on today, ma'am. It's the old hooker with a heart of gold thing. But the thing is, I kept on getting distracted. She doesn't have a heart of gold. Well, she just can listen. I think, listen, anyone listening to this guy has some sort of heart of gold, but she's, he is like, I'm distracted the whole scene because they're doing all this, like very elaborate body movements

that way he could be naked, but not show his dick. So it's like this, he's almost doing like some weird like Cirque du Soleil stuff. I'm like, really? Like, we will be we will all survive. Like either either show it like either show the full frontal or don't bother trying to pretend that it's gonna be a full frontal. You're really stuck on penises. Well, no, because I just think it's like with women, they'll just be like, they're very happy to just be like, Oh, yeah, here's a naked lady. But like, oh, God forbid, God forbid, we expose a penis to the masses. We can't do this to them except for once a season. It's too early to do it yet.

I feel like he is really showing off gangly fetal position. Like I've never seen a big tall gangly person in the fetal position and it's crazy looking. I'm like, oh my God, that guy has so many limbs. That's like so much limb. A lot of lank, a lot of lank on display. Very lanky. Look how he just folds all over himself like that.

So they're basically talking about, he's like, oh my God, everyone's like so mean to me because I'm different. And she's like, also because you're fucking creepy and evil. Okay, you just ate a child. But okay, let's. Yeah, yeah, he's being all emo right now, et cetera. And so then, yeah, exactly, you just ate a child.

So now we go to the house of Hugh Hammer, a blacksmith, very on the nose last name. Like, hey, in case you didn't know I was a blacksmith, my on the nose last name. They're like, hey, I'm a, in case you didn't know I was a blacksmith, my name is Hugh Hammer. And no relation to MC, by the way. You can literally touch this. Your cousins with Sir Alvin Leafblower, is that correct? Yes, yes, I am.

Anyway, I'm Hugh Hammer. A lot of people thought I'd be a superhero with that name. Turns out I'm literally just a blacksmith, I am. Anyway, I'm Hugh Hammer. A lot of people thought I'd be a superhero with that name turns out I'm literally just a blacksmith. Hugh, Hugh Hammer. But actually, it turns out leaf blower does blow a lot of people. So names sometimes do work out. Anyway, it's just as I'm having a nice day here, I'm just waiting for that funding for the weapons that I asked for last episode hasn't quite arrived. And my daughter has what we like to call red keep COVID. The coughing over there in the corner.

We tried to give her a mass, but my wife is like, it doesn't even do anything. Why even bother? We're probably infected by now. So just open airing it right now. You know how it goes. He's like, oh my God, I was trying to get some chicken, or no, cats like, I was trying to get some chicken today or no, cats like I was trying to get some chicken today.

Can I tell you something? Inflation, am I right? Have you been to the store lately? When, since when do razors cost $15? Thanks a lot Obama, am I right? I don't know who that is, but I like the tone. I like the tone of your sarcasm. I don't know who it is, but I like the tone. I like the tone of your sarcasm. She's like, I don't know who it is either. It just came to me.

So, um... She's like, I... Well, the king has promised us some relief. She's like, all right, okay. She's like, I'm scared because our child is coughing. He's like, yeah, that is scary. So then we go to Dragonstone and everyone's working on the ship Corwin.

And Alan sees his brother Adam and they hug. Great big hugs. Like hello, hello, hello. Other obviously named people. We went from Hugh Hammer, who's a blacksmith to Adam of Hull, who builds holes. And so Alan's like, I missed you. And Adams like, Oh, yes, did you slay many pirates? He's like, Oh, more than you to be sure. So he's like, Yeah, listen, you have a pile of ghosts do you simmering at home, huh? He's like, Oh, and more ways than one, you're in luck, my friend, Lord Corlys himself commanded you for your service to him, committed you, and he's like, yes, yes, he did.

So when are you gonna sail? When's the ship gonna be repaired? What are we doing here? Who are these people? I don't remember. They're gonna be, well, one of them, like saved Corlys, right? Corlys like washed up and-

Right, right, right. From last week, it's like you saved my life. Right. Right. Now I am going to just hug you all the time. Get over here. Get over here right now. And Alan's like, bro, guess like this is awesome. Coralus loves you. We are going to be rich. I like basically you're going to be his bestie and I'm you're going to invite me to all the parties and we're just going to like have the best time. Like you were in with a sea snake. And I was like, I don't want to be in with a sea snake. I just want to like, I just kind of want to like stay home. I don't want to,

I don't want to have to adventure with him. He's like sort of weird. I like we don't really connect, but he thinks we connect. I'm like, I have to laugh at his jokes, but like, I'm not like his best friend, but he just says that I'm his best friend. I don't like it. And he's like, come on, man, this is our inn. Just be nice to him. And he's like, you haven't seen what I've seen. There's a war a brewing a real big war. It's like its name Is war because we're in the most obviously Naming-named town in the world. Adam's like no, I know there's a war. We've literally just built like 45 boats

We didn't do that for fun. I know there's a war. I'm seeing this war. I know there's a war. We've literally just built like 45 boats. We didn't do that for fun. I know there's a war I'm seeing this war. I when there's a lot of boats, you know what that means We're gonna attack and a lot of us are gonna die. I want to stay home Yeah, so then we go to Rainy's and cordless cuddling in bed and she's doing her like satisfied like pout lip Acting it's my favorite. I love her lip acting. Yeah, that's great. Mm-mm, mm-mm. So she's like, I mistrust silence.

Damon flies when we most need his hand at the oar. Oh no, that's cordless saying that. She's like, well, devotion has never sat well with him. Where he goes, he wishes to be his own king. Mm-hmm, he wishes to be his own master. Bater. Funny, every time I say it, callers, why aren't you laughing at my joke? It's a very funny one. No? I actually couldn't laugh at that because I remember the preacher named Master Beta.

God, being in such an obviously namey named town really made that church an awkward place to be. Hey, Renny's, do you think we should invite Adam ofloka for dinner? He's so fun. I think he's my best friend now. So she's like, well, I have felt the crown pass over me and it's hard to accept it. And now that Viserys is dead, all the claims are in doubt. I mean, really, I mean, even hers, really, I could still be seeing this as chance you saying this is anyone saying this chance was just me saying this chance. He's like, so I wasn't listening. I was thinking about Adam, I was thinking about how we in the future are going to hang out and like have so many good jokes. And it's just like,

it's just like, nice, it's like, nice to have like a best friend, like I love you, but I'd like to have like a best male friend. I was just thinking, I'm gonna have to wait till I have Hull over here and how do I make sure that Master Beta doesn't show up at the same time? Because I don't want to ruin this new friendship. I know, I just think. It's just like learning and like, when you, just do me a favor, like don't make the Master Beta joke, especially if Master Beta comes over. It's just like, I just don't want to

ruin it with Adam, you know? Well, it's not really a joke, especially if Master Beta comes over. It's just like, I just don't want to ruin it with Adam, you know? Well, it's not really a joke, is it? See, it's like that, like that right there. Don't do that on Adam. Well, I'm just squinting and pouting my lip. It's just like a bad look. It's gonna make it awkward. I just want to like, you gotta like, you gotta grow these friendships, you know? He's just so cool, Adam. He's so cool. So she's like, well, let's just take him at his word. If they can take her in whole, all may be forgiven.

In the meantime, I'm here and Maylis is here. We will not let the Queen falter. Yes. Is Moon Dancer coming? No, no, we don't really invite that dragon over. It's just really embarrassing. Dragon is a hippie. That... It's a vegan dragon, and it's supposed to defend us.

Not dealing with marijuana head. It... It... Francie in her panties, moon dancer. It literally painted flowers all over its cave. It's just embarrassing in there. I mean, moon dancers in her sticker phase. I can't.

We just try to support her, but support her from afar. Right, Moon Dancer, we're entering a wall. Could you stop putting peace sign stickers all over your tail? Could you take that bandana off, Moon Dancer, please? It's just not a good look during a war. So then we cut to Ray Ray in her council room. She's like looking for a good, like Mary Higgins Clark book to read.

And then the guard enters with Lady Mazaria. Some Mazaria's in there and she's like, tell me what part you played in this unfolding. She's like, I had nothing to do with it. She's like, okay, well, I know you're entwined with the Yuen Serpers and you aided them in this unfolding. I had nothing to do with it. Okay, well, I know you're entwined with the youth servers and you aided them and deny me. So come on, just say it. No, I took profits from an inevitability. I regret it now. Oh, come on. Do you want to be free or not? Come on, just tell me everything. So she's like, you know what we should do? We should do strong women stares at each other.

She's like, Oh my God, I love that game. Thank God. I've only dealt with the weak, petulant men. All right, I'll start. I'm going to squint and stare at you. Now you do the same. She's like, I'm squinting and staring to the side of you. Oh my God, I love this.

So fucking fun. Can we just keep her to come do crazy women staring at each other scenes? God, I love this. This makes the whole show fucking worth it. I'll tell you that. I gave Damon two names, but unfortunately, I also said that I was really hungry for some cheese and oh no, I think I'm bleeding. And I think things just went wrong. I think he misunderstood everything that I told him to do. I did not even wish to give him names, but he said it was the price of my freedom.

And she goes, does he say otherwise to you? And Ray Ray's like, um, well, he's gone, so no one really knows what he says. So who are you? And she just keeps staring at her and staring at her and staring at her. And she goes, oh, so you remember me now? She goes, oh, yes, he said he was going to marry you and that you carried his child. She's like, well, not everyone found that just funny. And now it seems like he's done it again,

made a promise and then slipped away. Men, am I right? She's like, men. And then they start to sing the grass is always greener together. The grass is always greener. So then Raniro's like, she's basically like, look, you trade in the secrets of the Red Keep.

Here, I'm going to walk around in a circle around you because that's just really fun to do. Okay, just getting my steps in. All right. Now your web runs unseen through King's Landing and now when my enemy calls himself to strike at me she goes, I can do nothing now but to ask you to honor your husband's words. I was like, well, it would not serve me to set you free. At best I lose an asset to my cause and at worst you betray me in some foul, foul,

slutty way. And she's like, I was brought here to Westeros with nothing. I toiled in service. I stole there's like music It's like I sold my body for coin or bread and I listened and I collected Confidences and I built a business and I sold makeup out of my trunk until I earned a pink dragon of my own I made myself valuable to powerful men Bit by bit I earned my house my my household, a home, and then they set it all aflame." And Ray Ray's like, who? She goes, the high towers, I can only assume. God, I'm really into this story. Start over. Are you not paying attention to my story? No. Just rewind. It was really, really good. I love this.

You know what it was? As my Fitbit went off and said I reached my goal, so I don't have to do the circles around you anymore. And that sort of distracted me. Okay, so you came to Westeros and you were really happy to be there and you worked in finance, right? No, the opposite. I hated it and I slept. I had to be a whore for bread and for coin so you ate coins with your bread. No, the coin was the... I hated it. Just know I hated my life. Well who wouldn't hate it? Coined sandwiches aren't even a thing. Who told you that? I didn't have a corn sandwich! I'm just saying, I had to do desertery things to myself in order to earn money and eat food.

So she's, uh, she's like, well, they'll never accept me, these men. And I've worked so hard, but no one's ever gonna give me respect. I might as well have remained a whore. And so then Raymera stares at the scar on Mazaria's neck that she got from Damon. And she's like, how did you get that scar? It looks like a familiar scar. Damon loves giving that scar. Tell me what he did to you. She's like, I will not. She goes, then go. I've got a fresh Mary Higgins Clark. I wonder when she said I might as well remain the horse. I have said you never were not one. It would have been

such a sick burn but I feel like a lost man. But now she likes her you know. She's like oh damn it I've got a friend again. Now what should I do? I love her. We stare at each other so well. We're so good at that game. God, I wonder if she's good at canasta. I just have to say there's a squirrel because I'm recording from my car again and there's a squirrel on the fence staring right at me. It's at the top of the fence

and it's just like lying down on the fence on its stomach and it's like dangling one leg off the fence just staring at me. Well, I'm going to turn my camera to it, but I don't think you can see it this close up, but it's straight ahead. Can you see on top of that fence a little? I can't quite. I'm dying laughing. I'm like trying to keep myself together because there is like a bird game of Thrones happening outside my window.

It's so sad what is happening outside my window right now. You don't even know. You don't even know. Like a hummingbird, there's a hummingbird nest out there. And while I've been out here, the gardeners came and they've been trimming, they've been trimming the hedges. And I think they've now like knocked down the hummingbird nests because they trimmed the hedges.

And I'm so sad. Oh, that's so sad. That's not funny actually. That's really sad. What the hell, I'm sorry. It's like hummingbird giseric. But you keep acting like you're telling a funny story, but then That's not funny. Actually. That's really sad. What the hell? I'm sorry. It's like hummingbird, but you keep acting like you're telling a funny story, but then it's not funny at all. I said something really sad is happening out there, but you're like laughing. You're like, Oh my God. And then the gardeners are there and then they just

like got this hummingbird. So it's gone now. What the hell? Because then my response is going to be to follow your energy and be like, Oh, that's funny. And then I've just laughed at hummingbird slaughter. Well, I'm well, because it's like, of course, like hummingbird children are getting killed. The moment that I'm we're talking about, you know, babies getting killed on TV. Well, thanks for taking my cute squirrel story and turning it into fucking hummingbird child slaughter. You're like, Oh no, the squirrel just got killed. Oh, what's happening today? No, he's still sitting there with his leg dangling off looking at me. That's just hilarious. Okay. So, um, blah, blah, blah. Okay. So, Miseria leaves, but we've seen a friendship just get struck. Well, strike up, I guess. Strike it up.

So now Hugh Hammer, Hugh Hammer is walking through the streets. He's like, I wonder if people would like me more if I put on parachute pants. I don't know, just thinking out loud. And then there's a lady and she's like really upset. And then she's like, oh no, oh no. And they look up and all these people are hanging. And basically the king has killed all the rat catchers.

And so now people are sobbing and they're like, that's my son. And it's like a really bad look. That's why it's so hard to feel sorry for people on these shows because this is what they fucking do. You know what I mean? Like before I even knew he did this,

it was hard for me to feel sorry about his kid getting killed. Cause you knew that he's a prick who does shit like this To other people and it doesn't mean the kid deserved it, you know, that's always sad But it's like this is what he does, you know, I've learned by now not to feel sorry for these fuckers Don't feel sorry. Okay. So yeah, so who's the idiot now now? You're just gonna have rats rats running around Yeah, by the way, that's awesome I was like you better have hope that there are some people who know how to do this because now you got rats. You sure showed us.

Yeah, exactly. So Otto hears about this and Otto's pissed. So he like storms in to like the small council room or wherever. He's like, what have you done? And he's like, and they're like, Kristen and Egon are like, what done what? Like we didn't do anything. Isn't that funny how all those people hang themselves? And he's like, Kristen and Egon are like, what? Don't what? Like we didn't do anything. Isn't that funny how all those people hang themselves? And he's like, the rat catchers. And he's like, oh, yes, I had them hanged. Yes, yes. The maggot who took my son confessed to an accomplice

and he couldn't say for certain which man it was. So we thought rather than question them all, we'll just murder them. He's like, you idiot. Now the mothers of all the rat catchers are having cupcake parties in the street getting people against us. Cupcake parties and dead children used against me now. I mean, come on, I came up with this idea. You idiot.

They're making all sorts of awful TikToks. We're supposed to be doing dance challenges and now they're making TikToks. But how terrible we are. It's awful. So he's like, I'm not sorry. Sorry not sorry. And he's like, you're an idiot. Okay, now all these people hate us. And he's like, and we bought their approval with your child's blood. All right, with your mother's tears, we made a bitter sacrifice against the deprivations to come.

And now you've just pissed it all away. After all I've done for you. Now wait for it because this is the sickest burn we've ever heard on this show. You thoughtless, feckless, self-indulgent. I'm sorry. Rewind that so you can all hear it again. You feckless individual. I don't know if feckless. I was like, you feckless little fuck. I was like, yes. I'm putting feckless into my everyday vernacular.

I love saying feckless. You feckless squirrel. What are you looking at you feckless fuck? Yeah. It's like I'm not feck. I have lots of feck. I'm actually feckful. I'm feckful. I'm feckful. I'm feckful. I'm overloaded with feck. There's like, you know what they say, I could give a feck. I literally could because I have

so much feck to give. So don't even dare say I'm feckless. Master feck over I literally could because I have so much feck to give. So don't even dare them. Master Feck over here, all right. Fecky McFekerson, that's what they call me, actually. So, fecky with the good hair. That's what they're calling me in the streets now. So he goes like, well, at least I did something. I have not answered injury to the crown with what? Wailing and currying favor with the fishwives, I will not be thought of as weak. And I was like, oh, even now? News of Reneau's monstrous crime spreads through the room.

The great house is fought, or they cannot but come to our side. And he's like, Oh God, and what is Sir Cr- Oh, because then Aegon's like, Well, I wish to spill blood, not ink, and we must app. And Sir Cristin Cole has acted, so what have you done? Hey, Sir so Kristen Cole, nice work girlfriend. What about you? Auto loser. And he goes, Oh God. He's like, what

has Kristen Cole done? It's a great idea. Okay. So you know how there's like Eric and Eric? Yes. Yes. I, it's yes. I'm aware. Well, so Eric, since Eric looks like Eric, we thought how about Eric goes to Dragonstone and then pretends to be Errik and then kills Renear because she'll think Errik is Errik but it's Errik is actually really Errik. You know what I'm saying? It's a great plan. Can't go wrong. And he's like, oh, and so you acceded to this prank without consulting me or the council. You impetuous, feckless little fuck. How dare you? And now you diminish us in the eyes of our enemy? Ill considered trifling." He's like, yes, Otto. I love watching Otto lose

his shit and just tell somebody off in the classiest language of all time. He's like, you feckless trifling little slut. He's like, well, fuck dignity. I want revenge. My father's dead. He's like, oh, he is. And we are poor for it. He was right about you. What? And then he's like, he may be king. He goes, oh, ha ha. Is that what you think? I was like, oh, burn, man. Otto has zero fucks left to give. Yeah, he is fuckless. So, Egon's like, you know what? Remove your badge, Sir Otto. You are my father's hand, not mine.

Take it off, take it off, take it off, take it off. And he's like, you wouldn't dare. He's like, I have dared, because I'm full of feck right now, and I find it stimulating. And he's like, oh, you insolent little feckless feckless fecklestein. Now do you think yourself clever but without a strong hand at your side? He's like, Cole will be my hand.

Cole, take it. Cole has great things now. I will not argue with Cole. Give him your pin. Give it to him. Give it to him. I was like, Oh, this is gone so horribly, horribly wrong. Well, Otto, that's what you get

for putting a fucking moron on the throne thinking you could control. He was jerking off splooshing on people out of windows. So how you thought you could control that? I mean, stupid. Now that said, this was a great scene. I loved this scene. I was like, yes, yes.

I was snapping, even though Otto was totally getting demoted, I was really happy because I feel like Otto's better as a behind the scenes manipulator. I don't like when he actually has a spotlight, you know? I think he needs to be kept humble. Didn't he lose the job last season too and then got it back? Yeah.

He's just viral. He's like the Sh's been, he's like the charade. He's like the Shrey Whitfield of Game of Thrones. Yeah. It's getting fired and coming back. But this is also, I think this is the turn where we're going to start seeing him as a good, actually maybe a good guy instead of a bad guy. Cause all last season he was like a dick, but now we're like, maybe he's gonna be nice after all.

Yeah. So then we go back to Dragonstone and Rhaenyra is now with Miss Arya and Sir Eryk. And she's like, all right, well, I don't trust you, but there is danger in you, but it's kind of a danger that I like, if that makes any sense. So listen, I'm gonna let you go, but I would suggest that you go on YouTube

and watch some canasta videos, because I'd love a partner. Honestly, Mary Higgins Clark, how many of those can you read? It's all the same thing. You know what I'm saying? So get back here. Let's play some canasti together. All right, partner. All right, Sir Eric.

Blimazera will be leaving us. Letter collector things. Sir Eric. Sir Eric. Oh me. Sorry, I thought you were talking to my brother. Yes, my name is actually Sir Eric, not Sir Eric. Oh, you got it.

Got it. So then, Eric is leading Misari down the beach and she sees other Eric walking up to the castle and she shouts to him. She's like, a moment, and he stops walking. Yeah. And sorry, there's like a person like right on my window. It really got me confused. I was like, is that Eric?

So the guard is like, so Eric, I thought you were within. And he's like, oh, no. You must have been talking about Eric, my brother, who's also not here, by the way. So silly of you guys to think that there would be two Erics here on this island at the same time. Anyway, just- Who's just regular Rick?

Who's regular Rick? Yeah, Rick. Anyway, just an average day for a singular Erik that's the only Erik here on this island. I'm just going inside, so don't mind me, everyone. Goodbye. So then Ray Ray is like washing off her mascara or whatever. And we see the twins in their wacky plot,

one passing the other and kind of hiding behind the column. I was like, whoops, here comes me, whoops. Literally big business right now. I was like, really, are we really doing this like in The Thrones, like one twin hiding from the other twin? It's like, okay, sure, fine. Yeah, so then, you know, Ray Ray is just chilling and and they're like, oh you're gonna have a great sleep

She's like I'm gonna have a great sleep found a canister partner guys life is good right now. Am I right? So then he comes in and she's like so Eric, what are you doing back? He's like, I don't know who you're talking about They're calling me Jennifer today No mind you're dead. Anyway hook her. And so he comes at her to kill her and she's like, what the hell? And then who's? He's like, believe me, I had no choice. It's like, you literally had so many choices.

You could have actually just deserted the entire, like you could have just like shown up and been like, you know what, fuck Kristen Cole, I'm coming to your side. You had all the choices in the world. But he's like, no, I had no choice. So he is about to go kill Ray Ray, but then other Eric jumps in and is like, brother, because he's been tipped off by Mazaria.

And he's like, brother, do not do this. I beg of you. And he's like, you're the betrayer. And then so it's twin fight. It is twin fight to the death. It's Haley Mills versus Haley Mills and what's her buns low end versus what's her buns low end. And who are other twins?

It's Ben LeClerc versus Lily Tomlin, except they look nothing alike. It's Beyonce's backup dancer versus Beyonce's backup dancer, because she has twins, lay twins. So they fight, it's a lot of sword fighting. Rey, Rey, who I thought Rey, Rey was like a good sword fighter or like she's like used to battle, but like in this moment, it's a lot of sword fighting. I thought Ray Ray was like a good sword fighter.

She's like used to battle, but like in this moment, she's like not, she's not about it. I thought so too. And then I was like, well, cause they make her look like she, I mean, of course she's terrified. She's about to be murdered by someone, but she's, I thought she was more of a bad-ass too.

Why did I get that? I was expecting some John Wick moves. Like I was expecting her to be scared at first, but then jump up and like, I don't know, like throw a pot in one of them, but like something. And then another guy comes in, uh, what's the space comes in, sir. Lawrence. And then, um, like this all's happening and they're like the sir Lawrence, like, uh, I don't know which one to kill because like one of them is a good Eric, the other one's a bad Eric. And so we don't really know what to do. And so they're just kind of like staring watching this happen.

And then the twins, you know, they're like fighting each other, but they're also kind of like crying. And then one basically kills the other and he feels really guilty. And so then the one who survives is like, forgive me. And then he kills himself. Yeah, so, oh, sad. So, not a great night in the Queen's quarters. Yeah, so then we go back to King's Landing and Otto and Alicent are talking in her room and he's like, ignorance and vanity, that fecklessness. She's like, father, please stop saying feckless. He's like, I'm sorry, but I've opened the feckless floodgate

and I can't stop fecklessing feckless. It's addictive. Really, it is. Love that word. Feckless. Feckless little fuck. He's like, you know, as Sir Christian, the two of them, it'll be awful. She's like, well, you know, Sir Christian is, he's not temperate, but his devotion cannot be questioned. And I've heard his, his dick is pretty amazing. I don't know personally, of course, why would I ever know? But you know, Rima has it. And he's like, oh, your son's an idiot. He's young and unschooled and his faith is in steel and bone. The man has not the long view, does he? It's like, well, no one really does, do

they? I mean, we pretty much die at 15 years old around here for most, for the most part. So I mean, average age isn't great. I mean, what do you keep your teeth till? About 20, if you live that long. I mean, eh. I mean, the only one around here with a long view is probably Sir Christian Cole. If you know what I'm saying, I mean, I don't get that punchline either. I don't know why I said that. So, then Otto's like, well, they wish not.

They wish now not for the good of the realm, but for the petty satisfaction. A vengeance which has definitely not fueled me for the past season at all not at all and she's like egg on is still malleable or it's just the death of the child we just need for him to get over that and then he'll be back in our court he's like I can't stay here I'm exiled from the council witness to the blundering of our plans I'll return to old town oh god it's all feckless father. I get it. It's like, yes. Well, if I tower still have the strength and you do have a son there, don't forget you have another child.

What? What? And he's like, Darren, he's like, Darren may help us in the weeks to come. Who the fuck is Darren? I don't remember Darren. We, we probably met Darren, but I have no memory. I have no memory of Darren whatsoever. So basically like he's like, yeah, I I'm gonna go and then sorry, everyone, there's suddenly a leaf blower here. It's pretend as a dragon. So then Alison's like, Oh, by the way, father, I've sinned. He's like, honestly, I don't wish to hear that. It's not like, again, it's not like your sin had anything to do with, you know, your grandson being killed. So don't even worry about it. The worst things to think

about don't feel guilty whatsoever. So she goes to Agon's room, and she's like, I'm gonna have a talk with him, but he's actually sitting there sobbing. So she's like, I guess I'll wait. awkward. So she goes and then Kristin is across her room and then she's like, slap him. And he's like, that's hot. She's like, slap him again. That's even hotter.

Slap him, slap him, slap him. Now call me feckless. She's like, damn it. Why is this trending you feckless fuck? And they're like, oh, then they make out, do it. The episode ends with them making out. She just can't help herself. She loves a toxic relationship. Yeah. And listen, who doesn't? The guy's hot, you know? Yeah.

Well, that was the end of the episode. And considering there's a leaf blower now blowing right outside my window, which you all can hear, that's probably a good time to wrap this up. That's our low rent dragon. That's for what? That's moon dancer out there. 100%. Anyway, thanks everyone for listening. Thanks for being here and we will catch you next week on Winter is Crappening. Bye everyone. Bye. If you like Watch What Crappens, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

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