Watch What Crappens - #2477 House of the Dragon S02E03: Sister Act Part 2

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

This is part 2! This week on House of the Dragon, RaeRae hatches a plan to see her long lost friend and they realize that they’ve stumbled onto a Three’s Company misunderstanding which won’t leave Mr Furley thinking Jack might be gay, but will probably lead to the death of millions of people. Whoopsie!  Watch this recap on video  and listen to all of our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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ad-free right now on Wondery+. Hello and welcome to Watch What Crap In's, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. Today is not just Watch What Crappens, it's Winter Is Crappening. We are continuing on with more House of the Dragon coverage. We had started an episode yesterday, but we had so many technical issues that we ran out of time to finish it. So we're here today to finish our recap. I'm Ben Mandelker, and that's Ronnie Karam.

How you doing, Ronnie? Good, I mean, we do two part recaps all the time. True. Literally for us, we've actually had a day between, so it's super weird. Like, have our opinions completely changed since yesterday? Do we like different dragons today? I mean, who fucking knows, really?

I mean, I don't know. I still really like that pink dragon we looked at on the chart yesterday. Thanks, everyone for listening. By the way, if you're Stereotype! If you're interested in solely getting nothing but House of the Dragons content, be sure to subscribe to Winter is Crappening, which is like a sister simultaneous podcast. We

put the episodes up there too. So you can just listen to that. If you know there are people in your life who just don't give a fuck about Bravo, they can listen to Winter is Crappening. Although we encourage you to stay here on Crappening. But just wanted to give you that flexibility. Because if there's any word to describe Ben and Ronnie,

it's flexibility. So where we left off, we got all about like five minutes into the actual show. We spent 45 minutes and we got five minutes into the show. Raniera has just talking to Misaria about like, hey, like what's going on? Like you saved me. And she was like, well, I want to place in your court.

And so Raniera was like, okay, you can be my court. So basically she's like, why is that dragon in such a bad mood? And she's, Raniera's like, see smoke, my late lord, husband's dragon, he's grown restless of late, we cannot know why. And Misery is like, yeah, maybe he's lonely. And then she just stares at her like, emotions could have

to do with our behavior, which is so funny. It's like so old school, you know? It's just like, me mom, papa guys, you know? They just didn't understand at that time. Same, basically at the same time. So, Raynira, now we go to Raynira and Reyna, because, you know, we have to just be confused about everybody's fucking name on this show.

Can we have a Lucy? Know what I mean? I know, a Jennifer. That what I mean? I know. A Jennifer. That would be nice. I've never longed more for a Michael than I have on this show. I know.

I know. I mean, like, and they do throw in like a random, like normal name, like Damon out of nowhere, but yeah. Damon's not normal? Well, Damon's much more normal than Rainiera or Raina. Well, actually there are Rainas. I actually am friends with a Raina, but her name is not spelled our ha e na. Oh Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just yeah, it's just the similar, you know, so I was thinking about the name Damon I mean, I know Damon is a name. I just mean it's not like an everyday name, you know

Well, anyway mean it's not like an everyday name, you know what I mean? Pete Slauson Well, try to tell that to the Wayans family. Daemon Well, you know. Pete Slauson There are two of them there. Daemon That's true. Pete Slauson Senior and junior. Daemon Yeah, Daemon Wayans, that's true. Okay, so, Raynira and Ray-Ray and Ray-Ray. In my mind, it's basically the same person talking to each other. So Reyna, for those of you who don't remember, is one of the kids.

A lot of kids on this show, people just have kids and then die. You know, because that's how it works in this world. So be careful, careful having kids because you're probably gonna die. And then guess what? The kids are also gonna die. So everyone's dead.

Everyone will die at some point. So Reyna is one of the kids that Rey Rey had with someone from like Coralises lineage. I don't remember who, cause I don't think she had a kid with her gay husband, right? Did she? Did she? This is Damon's kid with his wife had died.

Oh geez, I mean, this is like this show takes the Brady Bunch and just explodes it. Yeah, that's right, Damon was with Lena and then had Raina, right? Yeah, duh, just follow the rhyme. I know, follow. It's very obvious. Okay, so Raina.

There's literally hints built in for us. The name's rhyme. I'm sure there's a name somewhere. It's got to be a main and a day. Oh, they couldn't give us a day. You know, they couldn't give us a day to any that would have been great. So, um, yeah. So anyway, she pulls her in and she's like, listen, this sucks. I know, So anyway, she pulls her in and she's like, listen, this sucks. I know, but you're going to be a nanny now because we're going to war. And I don't know if you've been noticed, but most things that kids are dropping like flies, so I'm going to need you to take all the cutest of my children and go babysit them somewhere, somewhere with the Chuck E.

Cheese literally don't even care where just make sure you have enough tokens to get them through it. Cause those little fuckers are like skee ball addicts. Cheese. Literally don't even care where. Just make sure you have enough tokens to get them through it because those little fuckers are like skeeball addicts. Right? By the way, I have to say she says, I want you to take Joffrey and go to my cousin, Lady Jane Aaron. I mean, Lady Jane, that's pretty. That's a Jane. Jane, you know, here I am complaining that there's not any like everyday names, but we literally have a Jane right here in the scene. But yeah, she says go take the kids. And by the way, you know here I am complaining that there's not any like everyday names But we literally have a Jane right here in the scene But yeah She says go take the kids and by the way you can take like you can take some like a small like a small

Dragon not like it's you know when you give your kids your kids turn 16 and they want a car or something and you're like fine You can take the Honda Civic. You don't get to go in the BMW yet, you know, so take a little a little dragon storm cloud so they're going to go in the BMW yet, you know? So take a little dragon. Storm cloud. So they're going to go to Pentos and she's like, it's safe. I mean, the safety writings of Pentos is like literally off the hook. It's the first place we ever had in this kingdom with sidewalks. I mean, the kids are going there. Sorry.

Okay. I'm sorry that they don't have them all that you like, but you're going there, ma'am. And she's like, damn it. Why don't I get to do fun shit? She's like, my mom died there. Ray Ray is like, well, you know, they've really improved so much since then. Like, it's really like they have some great restaurants now. I believe they just opened up an LA fitness there. So I don't know. I think you'll like it. I think you'll like Pento. She was like, my mom died in a bedroom and I'm still in bedrooms. I mean, what am I going to do? Sleep on the street? No. Okay. Get over it.

So yeah. Try having a mom who died in a bathtub. You know what I mean? Like, what are you going to do? Just go around stinking. I mean, that's just, that's life. That's death. That's this show. Okay. There's a chunky cheese and sidewalks. Get your ass over there. Rainier's like, but what about my sister? And Rainier's like, well, I need Bela here. I mean, hello, she has a dragon.

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to bring that up again. Yeah, no, I mean, like you're just as good, even though you don't have a dragon. Yeah, and Rainier's like, I cannot promise to make you happy, but I ask you, make this sacrifice like, I cannot promise to make you happy, but I ask you, make this sacrifice willing me,

because I will make you. And she's like, okay, geez. So yeah, Raina basically says, your grace, which is really what everyone in the entire kingdom says to royalty when they are so fucking mad. Your grace. Your grace. That's everyone should be like, fuck you. Yeah. That's like their version of ma'am or sir. We're like, you're welcome. So now we have Caraxes. One of the

dragons is flying, flying through a storm with Damon, rough landing, some bad turbulence, I'm sure. And they land in Heron Hall. We're finally get to go back to Heron Hall. It's raining. It's the place looks terrible. I have to say, like, this is a place that did not survive the pandemic very well. Well, it's one of those things like, you just bigger isn't necessarily better, like it's huge. But then, you know, people, you know, we know, everybody knows someone who lives in a huge house, right? And you walk through it and there's like cracks in places or like spider webs in places or they just haven't, you know, it's like they're too big to reach the light bulbs so they can never get the light bulb that you can never find the right light bulb stick to work.

And so there's always like a light bulb out and it's like, you're so rich, but it's just so cavernous and depressing. And then like you try and sleep there and there's just all these noises in the night from just big things cracking. And I don't know, it's not fun. You know, sometimes like a studio apartment's better. Like everyone's all up here in Hall's ass, but you know what?

It's a giant target. That's what I say. Yeah, it's a real fixer-upper. And also, by the way, do you have to like land your dragon on it? Like this structure is not sound. This is not a sound structure. He like literally is so rude when he did that.

Like he landed his dragon on it. It broke some fucking cobblestone shit. Like this structure is not sound. This is not a sound structure. He literally is so rude when he did that. Like he landed his dragon on it, it broke some fucking cobblestone shit. Yeah. You have to live there, sir. What do you think? Like, it's literally like, I got home, I'm gonna just crash my car through the front door because I got here.

Yeah, exactly. It's like, I'm here, I'm at Heron Hall, it's my place technically if I want it, so I'm just gonna crash everything. And as someone going through construction, it's not just a couple broken tiles. I mean, that shit counts against you. And then guess what?

It's gonna take six to eight weeks to deliver that. And then once you pay for it, they're gonna tell you, no, I'm sorry, that's gonna be 12 to 16 weeks. And then what are you gonna do about it? You know, nothing, you're not gonna do shit. They're gonna put those stones back up there. They're like, well, we gotta fix these stones. And as they're doing that, they're gonna say,

you know what, it looks like there's actually a mold problem and actually it was a blessing in disguise that these stones fell off. They're like, yeah, it was a blessing in disguise, but now I'm out $15,000 more dollars because now I have to wait, I've gotta get an inspector, gotta get it like, they've gotta put up all the whole things all around here.

And then they're like, and we need another $10,000 for a water heater, which doesn't even make sense. And now it needs a beam. It needs a beam. You know, like this was actually never built to code, all that stuff. That's why it would be good to be a king because you just like, our king consult rather, because you could just walk in and be like,

this is my house now. You know what I mean? It's like the government. That's what, you know, that's what you're allowed to do. You can just be like, we need this now. Sorry, bye. Sorry for the cobblestones. But guess what?

I'm sorry that you put my cobblestones in the way of my dragon because you just ruined my cobblestone driveway that is now mine because I took it from you. Eminent domain. Am I right? Okay. Bye. Jared Sautner So, Damon gets off this dragon and he's like walking through Harrenhal and he's got his sword up. My heart's of course racing because I hate being startled. So, I'm assuming something's going to jump out at a moment. But he's like walking through this. It's raining. there's lightning and he's like racing to be attacked, but there's like no one in sight, but he's just really acting like everyone wants to

attack him. And then finally he hears like a noise and he like bursts through this door. And it's, it's just Simon Strong just sitting there eating a meal and he comes in with a sword. And Simon Strong is like, really? Another one of these young over testosterone men walking into my place is going to probably try to burn me down too. Because Damon's ready to kick someone's ass, right? Like Damon wants a fight with somebody and no one's going to fight with him. She's really funny. He's like, Oh really? What if I take your house? He's like, have the house,

would you like the schedule of the gardeners and the mains and everyone else you have to schedule? Cause I'm not doing that. If this is your house, would you really like to do it? All right. Would you like to take the plates to the kitchen? It's your house now. Really? You want it? Take it. You know, it's like, I'm stuck taking care of this big fucking house. You think I want this? Have fun sucker. So he's like, I saw Simon strong Castellon of heron hole pledged fealty to Raynear house of talk area and first of her name. Well, I'll tell you this, it's not the last of her name. Definitely.

Raynear, Ray, Ray, Rainer, Dana, Maynear, Flaynear, Cranear. That's the crazy one. Cranear. They're like, Oh, Hey, don't call me a Kramer. All right. So then he's like, I swear by the old gods and the new. So he like basically bows down and Damon's like, Oh, that was a lot easier. I was just really amped up after my fight with Ray Ray. I was really hoping to just like, you know, chop off someone's head, but maybe not. And he goes, supper is venison with black cabbage and peas. No red currant. Sorry about that. Damon's like, I mean, of all the places I choose to take over, I choose over the one that has the most 90s menu.

I mean, I don't know. I mean, black cabbage. Yeah. I feel like that's something that people just say to, like, make their expired vegetables feel better. They're like, this is gonna sound better because I'm calling it black cabbage on purpose. I feel like that's old cabbage.

What's black cabbage? Is that any good? TG. I think black cabbage is old cabbage. I'm gonna, that's what I'm going to say. CB. I feel like it's old too. TG.

By the way, and cabbage lasts a long time. CB. Why aren't you eating your black cabbage? Hey, maybe you should fucking learn to spell it better, Strong. TG. Yeah. CB. Or like, sell it better. You know what I mean? He's like the waiter who never sells a special.

And they're like, why doesn't Simon Strong ever sell a special? And then you like put a secret shopper in there to tape him. And he's like, well, we do have a special. It's like black cabbage and something. I mean, I don't know. Looks kind of gross, but people seem to like it. All right, what will you have?

Nobody's gonna order that, Simon. You know, you're fired. Maybe it's just like purple cabbage, and they just, in an effort to make it seem more exotic, call it black cabbage. Well, maybe they hadn't invented the color purple yet, because they've only got a few colors right now going on on this show.

They've got blue, black, green, and a few reds, occasionally. And some yellow. We have not seen any purple, I don't believe. I don't think we've seen purple. We have to remember, this shit was don't believe. I don't think we've seen purple. They don't understand purple yet. We have to remember this shit was done a long, long time ago. They just didn't have the full like Sherman Williams color wheel yet. So I love Simon Strong, mainly because he's...

He's just black. Anything that's not green, yellow, or red is black. All right. Someone comes in wearing fuchsia. Look at that black top. So I like Simon Strong. Sorry, is that brown? Is that a homosexual? Coming up with colors now.

So Simon, speaking of which, I really enjoy Simon Strong because I do get the sense that he's kind of like a theater queen. Like I feel like he was like, had Damon not been there, he was about to put on a record and listen to some padding tone. 100%. He's like listening to Traviata or some shit. And he also is named Strong, but you know that he can't even lift your remote control.

That's also what I love. He's like, I'm literally exhausted. All right. Would someone call a nursemaid in here? Good. I want to ask you something. Company or Merrily We Roll Along, which is your favorite? thing. Company or Merrily we roll along, which is your favorite? Okay, everyone, everyone, a Parenhal gather round at Sondheim night. All right, who wants to start? Oh, God, please don't do the quick lyrics. Can we just start with something? No more sending the clowns. It's like the

easiest choice. Although it is funny because Damon did just walk in here. Everyone get it? Send in the clowns? No? So, um He's like why aren't you eating your peas cuz they sound gross and he's like also I don't want to be poisoned What about that? I've been to a lot of battles. I'm sure certainly not gonna be murdered by peas. Okay, bitch. Okay Don't come into my house and then start accusing me of shit. Yeah. He's so rude, Damon. He is so fucking rude.

Yeah. Why does everybody swoon over Damon? I think as he was like Mr. Whiz or whatever that said, Dr. Dr. What? Dr. Who? He was like Dr. Who? So everyone's like, Oh yeah, he's like amazing. He's like a sex symbol. He's a sex symbol. That guy's a dick. Okay. I don't care. Doctor question. Doctor who? I don't care if he has a, I don't care if his question has an advanced degree. Okay. He's a dick. Eat your peas. You know what I mean? Somebody made those peas. It's like, well, I'm sorry that I can only serve you peas, but unfortunately I used to have a garden that was filled with greens, greens, nothing but screens.

Oh my god, what are we singing about? Allison's closet. Literally, we've got five colors. This is only chosen one her entire life. So Damon's like, well, you know, if you did poison me with peas, that'd be a really easy way to kill me. Just, just letting you know, like the old P trick. Because I actually love peas.

I love it. I'm actually addicted to peas. Peas are like, I heard I had a prophecy the other day that there's going to be something in the distant future called M&Ms. And until those arrive, I'm just gonna have peas. He's like, well, you could murder me with peas. That would be an easy way to kill the dragon rider. You know what else is an easy way to kill a dragon rider? Riding a dragon.

It's not exactly the safest thing to do. All right. Here's an easy way to kill a dragon rider landing on an unstable wall and toppling down to your death. Thanks a lot for that, by the way. No blonde parking. Did you not read the sign? Oh, you'll have to move your dragon.

There's street cleaning tomorrow. I don't want them to put a club on your dragon. So he's like, oh, he's like, you're welcome here. I just offered you some black cabbage. You think everybody gets that? No, it is literally aged for like weeks to get black. And he's like, well, but what of your Lord Laris Strong? What about him? And he's like, oh, and he says, who sits the false court of Vagon? He's like, oh, Laris Clubfoot, that's no Lord of my.

Okay, let's not be ableist now. I know Laris has done a lot of shit, but we don't need to like pull out ableist language for the poor fucking guy. Jesus. You know, Simon's trying a little too hard to lean into that gay sass. So he's like, oh, he's a scourge upon the family,

upon this castle and the family. Do you not think it's strange that his father, my nephew, Lord Lionel, the hottest one in our lineage, I'd like to add, perished by a fire, and his son too. No pun intended, no pun intended. No pun intended, but sort of it sort of was i don't know i'm working on some material for a drag show i don't know anyway he's he they perished by fire in here this damp damp place it was the first fire here since ballerion

ended the line of hair in the black who by the way did invent the cabbage. All right, they branded the cabbage. Actually, it's gonna miss that family. Yes. So even in the summer, we struggled to light the hearse, but only Laris Clubfoot could know how to burn things through water. Laris did it. Clubfoot little fuck. It's a shame because my nephew did make the best black cabbage slaw.

So it's really a huge loss in so many ways so Damon's like so he goes so no you will find no loyalty to laura strong here my prince and he goes your grace as in like you should refer to me as your grace which is like whoa yeah i mean he's the king Consort. I have some respect. Oh, oh, is that what it was? Okay, I thought it was that he was basically, I thought he was the Prince, you're right, he was the King Consort.

Okay, nevermind, everyone, I'm so sorry. Well, would they call him the King Consort? I think they would call him the King Consort, wouldn't they? Yeah, you're right. In my mind, I interpreted as he was trying to claim more power because he was mad at Ray Ray. But you're right. He's like, I interpreted as he was trying to claim more power because he was mad at Ray Ray. But you're right. It's like, I'm the boss, not Ray Ray.

I don't know. Or maybe. I didn't think of it that way. People who actually are well-versed in the show are so mad at me. I keep on making these ridiculous mistakes. Oh God, those people are gone. People are gone. They can't listen to this show. So the way I really interpreted that moment was that Damon is like, not referred to as your grace that's reserved for Ray Ray. And so when he said your grace, it was Damon's way of being like, you know what, I'm in charge now. But I, but I fully reserved the right to be 100%

wrong. As I often am that way, I just figured like, hey, maybe I'm not the king king, but I'm still the king consort. So you still need to call me your grace, bitch. Let's see what his title is. And I'm not going to fix your cobblestones either, all right? Lionel weak, Lionel strong, oh whoops, it's opposite, stay. He is King Consort, so I think that maybe, I think you're probably correct. I think I just like saying King Consort, because it's like, oh, someone who consorts with a queen. You're not a king, but you consort with somebody who could make you king one day.

It's like kind of a diss, you know? It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappence commercial. Nancy's love story could have been ripped right out of the pages of one of her own novels. She was a romance mystery writer who happens to be married to a chef. But this story didn't end with a happily ever after. When I stepped into the kitchen, I could see that Chef Brophy was on the ground and I heard somebody say, call 911.

As writers, we'd written our share of murder mysteries. So when suspicion turned to Dan's wife, Nancy, we weren't that surprised. The first person they look at would be the spouse. We understand that's usually the way they do it. But we began to wonder, had Nancy gotten so wrapped up in her own novels, There are murders in all of the books.

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pulling the strings? Follow Blame It On The Fame, Milli Vanilli on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Blame It On The Fame early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Simon's like, well, speaking of King Consort, we are just about to put on a King concert. Carole King, that is. Have you seen Beautiful? It's one of the musicals. I'm not really into jukebox musicals, I have to say, but Beautiful really lives up to its name. I'm not really into jukebox musicals, I have to say, but Beautiful really lives up to its name. So, everyone's uncomfortable and he's like, oh, I'd only assume that there's a console.

He's like, well, then we're reminded of the perilous, perilousness of assumption. Do you want to die, you little fuck? He's like, indeed, your grace, your grace. Yes. little fuck is like, indeed, your grace, your grace. Yes, the perilousness of assumptions sort of like the assumption that that wall will actually support your dragon that's perched on it. Hello, can you just put it on the ground with a perfectly good front door you could use? You know, you should watch out for the perilousness of

adoption because you have just entered a dump. Literally no better stable than this place. You could literally drown in here with the wet walls or dive mold. I mean, it's so sad in here that we have to resort to poisoning people with peas. I mean, isn't that ridiculous? I'm sorry. Did I say that? Sorry. I mean, your peas are absolutely not poison at all. I say that, sorry. I mean, your peas are absolutely not poison at all.

That's me in general, usually. So he's like, so what brings you over? Why are you on our part of town? I mean, you're a part of town now since you own it, your grace. And he's like, well, duh, Heron Hall was the largest castle in the Seven Kingdoms, or perhaps that escaped your attention.

Stupid, you want to fight your attention. Stupid! Do you want to fight Mr. Strong? I can fight you, I can beat you. You want to pull out your sword, stupid?" Dave just did the equivalent of taking Simon's hand and slapping his own head with it saying, why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself? Like, don't you know your castle's big. He's so rude and Simon Strong's just like, uh, yeah, but it's also a dump. So yeah, because it was destroyed. Okay.

Do you not remember like your people destroyed this castle with a dragon? Yeah. So he's like, well, that's why we need to bring it into a state of repair. He's like, oh, great. Do you have opposite dragons now? Dragons who set everything on on fire. Is that, is that one thing? You have destroyer dragons and you have builder dragons. That would be nice. At least attach a straight sweeping

something to a dragon so a dragon can fly through and just sweep up the debris that the other one created. That would be something, wouldn't it? Daemon's like, well, there are 40,000 swords in the Riverlands, the largest undeclared host in the realm, and only Harrenhal is of a size enough to garrison them. And Simon's like, that will actually be fabulous. I cannot wait to see all those men just all stepping in, in unison doing a little dance. He's like, no, I said 40,000 swords in Riverlands, not River dance.

Dammit, I could really use some clogging in my life. Depressing as hell in here. Really hope you do. And listen, every floor is hard. I mean, they'd have somewhere to dance. It would be wonderful. And we have plenty of oil for those chests. So basically, he's like, you know, those swords that you're talking about are presently at war already, just to warn you. Okay, Because Brack and Black Wed, the two houses,

two baby houses are fighting with each other. And Damon's like, why? And he's like, well, you know, the answer to that's lost in time. Sin, we get sin, we get sin. One cupcake leads to another cupcake, leads to another cupcake, which leads to a cake cake, which leads to an ice cream cake.

Do you understand? Damon's like, I don't, I think you're actually just spiralling right now. It's like, why are you eating so many cakes? I literally can't stop myself! Listen, don't shame me, I want to listen to good theatre and eat good cake. Can't shame the shameless bitch, alright? All I have are cupcakes. It's raining every single day, just let me have a cupcake once in a while. So, Damon's like, summon your lord so that I may treat him myself and turn them to our cause.

And look at me, turning everyone to my cause, just walking into homes, calling them shitholes and accusing everyone of trying to poison me. I'm a real mayor. Just send someone in here. I'll convince them of something. Simon's like, well, that would be Lord Grover Tully, but he grows frail and said he can no longer speak nor seal his bowels. It's like, okay, that's a little bit like, how about you let… He really does not like Grover Tully at all. He is ready to shame him. He's shaming the people who can't control their bowels, the club feet people. I mean,

must be nice being perfect, Simon. So he's like, I have no control over these fucking people, you know, good luck. And so Damon's like, well, I'll speak with him. People should obey their liege, Lord, whatever is condition, pooping on the ground or not. He still has power So he's like maybe the presence of a dragon will sharpen minds around these parts So cool man's got a big gun real scary I always thought it was the presence of Bernadette Peters would help around here, but you know dragons fine, too So he's Damon's gonna go intimidate everyone and bring them to a side and you know, Dragon's fine too. So he's, Damon's going to go intimidate everyone and bring them to his side. And you know, at some point we're going to meet Grover Tully and I'm sure it'll be

a disgusting scene where he's pooping in his pants while he talks to Damon because that's the show. Oh yeah. That's how we roll around here. So now we go to the hideously murdered. Now we go over to the Red Keep and now Kristen debuts the much hyped, much anticipated, out of nowhere, Caesar haircut. I don't know what caused it. We don't see why he decided to change his hair, but now he has a new haircut. He is now officially a season two housewife because first season, you know, everyone comes in like their regular look and by season two, they debut their new face, their new hair, their new boobs and all that stuff. And this is his season two, that's why if he's like, I got a new job on this show and

I'm getting a new cut, bitch. Yep. Although it looks sort of like a wig to me, I'm not gonna lie. It sort of, sort of like sits above his head a little bit. So I'm intrigued to know, I wanna know more about the hair, the backstory of the hair and why it does seem like wig. Is there like another like hairstyle he has to have for like a stage project in the West End in London,

something like that, you know? I don't know, I don't take him for a very stagey actor. Unless there's something where he can just kind of stare off into space and you can just put whatever emotion you want onto his face. Cause I feel like that's what this actor does. He's just kind of like a stare actor. And then you're like, he's mad.

He's happy. He's sad. You just kind of project whatever you want onto him. There's like a name for that. There's like something effect that like, yeah, just someone who's expressionless than we are. Do we do all the heavy lifting of making the emotion happen? So anyway, everyone's getting ready.

They're gonna go, they're gonna do his plan. His plan for those who don't remember is that he wants to go with his peeps and go across the countryside. And I think he's heading to the riverlands and he's going to convert people with, you know, his majesty and Caesar haircut and bring people to their cause. Yeah. So, um, Alison is like, I'm so glad we're together. Even briefly, Christian, even briefly. Oh, by the way, Richie kind of got my brother. I think. Here he is.

And this guy, of course, is a piece of crap. Now, have we ever met the brother Gwain? I don't seem to remember Gwain. I would remember a Gwain. Yeah. Pretty sure. I don't know, but he looked familiar, so it made me wonder if maybe we had met him

in season one at one of the big parties. You know, when they have a big feast and everyone's there, I kind of feel like we met Gawain. Does it go away? It doesn't count. It doesn't count. It a feast. I met a girl last night. Well, I didn't meet her. I met her probably 20 years ago and I've known her for 20 years. I mean, I don't know her really well, but I've known her. Like I've seen, I was used to see her when I lived here before I saw her all the time, cause she was a friend of a friend.

This girl could not figure out who I was. And I kept saying, I know you, we're friends. Like I've known you for years. And she's like, no, but I know you from somewhere. I was like, you literally know me, we're friends. And she's like, no, I just, where did we meet? I'm like, God, I'm gonna kill this person. I'm gonna fucking kill this person.

I was so offended. That's how I'm gonna kill this person. I'm gonna fucking kill this person. I was so offended. That's why I feel right now watching this. I'm like, am I doing to Gwaine what she did to me last night? I'm so mortified. Justice for Gwaine. He has. He's like, how dare you? I ate a turkey leg on camera last season in the buffet. Don't you remember I walked up to the king and said, your grace and continued on? Yeah, because that's probably the amount I was in this girl's life that of course she doesn't remember me. But in my mind, I'm like, she's probably seen me at like four events. The actor who plays him is Freddie Fox. And he looks so so familiar to me. And I can't place where I know Freddie Fox from.

Well, you're on the internet. I'm trying to, I don't think he's been in really much of anything at all. I think you're- I think you have to have been in a lot of things to be on this show, right? I don't know. Like, I'm looking at his, like, his whole, like, IMDB is sort of foreign to me. Like, he was in the Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare, which I didn't watch. So I don't know. There's just something about the actor or this character.

That seems familiar. Yeah, he does look really familiar. But of course I just watched him on TV like yesterday. So maybe that's why. The Three Musketeers, 2011. But he's so young. He looks like a baby. Victor Frankenstein, King Arthur, legend of something, hero.

Let's see. It was a big break for him, I think, this show. I'm getting that sense. Well, yeah, he's done a ton of stuff. Oh, Slow Horses, he plays the little asshole on Slow Horses who betrays, he's the guy who works at the Good Spy Agency and makes a mistake, but then blames one of his friends for it and his friend has to go work at the Slow Horses.

Yeah, he's a little asshole on that show. And he's a little asshole on this show. I love how casting people are like that. They're like, just keep casting them. Typecast them as the same thing they played one time. So then some old queen in a car can be like, oh yeah, he's also an asshole on another show And they string it all together with tight casting. I love it. Thank you because most of us just don't have a memory anymore

Yeah, well now we have a great context for gween Who allison does like by the way, sir, christin may I present my brother? Sir, gwayne high tower and now gwayne does not like Kristen, right from the get-go. He does not like Kristen, basically because of what happened with their dad. And so he's like, oh, Sir Kristen, or mayhaps I should say, my Lord Hand. I'm saying that sarcastically because the way I'm saying it in my British way is sort of like, you don't deserve to be Lord Hand, but I'm going to say it like, my Lord Hand as if I accept you, but I don't.

It's the exact opposite. You get it, right? You get my humor, right?" And he's like, Sir Gwain, welcome to King's Landing. And he's kind of evil to Gwain because he's kind of jealous because in this world, he doesn't know if the brother and sister are like exes. Yeah, exactly. He doesn't know if he should be jealous. So Gwain's like, Oh, how exhilarating to arrive at court after three long months on the road to find my Lord Father, who served three kings faithfully, unseated, as Hand of the King by this George Clooney little bang-permed mofo. You know, the best part about arriving here is sure my father is no longer in the small

council. But then when I look at you, you're like, NBC Thursday nights, 1994, David Shimmer, George Clooney. I just wish there was some white sneakers so you could get some Seinfeld in there. Am I right, sister? Kristen's like, what's the deal with this guy? There you did it. Thank you so much. There you did it, thank you so much. So, Alison's like, oh, you should take my brother to war. He'd love to come to war. And Kristen's like, no thanks, I'm busy.

We've got plenty of people and no dragons. So, pretty confident. And she's like, you're gonna take him, fucker. He's like, fine, I'll take him. And then then Kristen- Why does she want Gwaine to be on this mission? She doesn't, first of all, she doesn't even like this mission. Remember the small council, she was like, this is rush.

This is ridiculous, you're gonna just march into death. And then she's like, by the way, take my brother. I think because she doesn't trust, because Otto wants the brother, right? Wasn't Otto like, we have your brother, And also because she does not really trust Kristen. I think she's like, I mean, she wants to bang Kristen. She trusts him in that way because they both hate Rey Rey. So she trusts him like that, but she's like, I didn't give you the position of, you know, being the hand of my son. You guys are going to ruin this world together, you little

fucking assholes. So she wants someone, I guess, to report to her, so she feels like she still has some power. So she brought her gossipy ass little brother over. Which I love that in a brother and sister, because that's what me and my sister are like, you know? I'm like, I can't be there, but be sure to give someone dirty looks for me.

She'll be like, I'll do it. So he's like, fine. And then like Chris did analysis and have like one last little moment alone. And he's like, I thank your grace for her prayers and request that she grant her favor that her Lord commander may go into battle with her blessings in his heart. She's like, uh, okay, well, I've got this, I got this a handkerchief. I just blew my nose into it. I've been keeping it in my bra. You want this?

Yeah, would you like my booger-chief? Here it is. You can take this. Put it on your wiener. And they're trying to do this thing like, here's my hanky and here's my, I'm saying my Lord a lot. And, but they're giving each other like, can't wait to fuck you again eyes

and just standing in the middle of court and everybody is staring at them. You know, literally everybody's watching them, including club foot up there who you see, that's why you shouldn't be mean to people cause it catches on like wildfire. Now I'm calling club foot because of fucking Laris Stronger. Don't mention wildfire.

I mean, same breath as Laris. If you know what I'm saying, it's too soon. Um, also, um, uh, yeah, he's staring and you know, he's not going to take that lightly. He's already pissed that he's being ignored. So, um, I'll tell you who's not staring is one of the dead rat catchers. He's still hanging in the courtyard. We then pan over there and there's a crow pecking out an eyeball. I'm like, okay,

did they also hang the body taker downers? Like these, these bodies have been up there for a long time. And I think the point has been made at now everyone like now everyone's being punished because now it's just rotting bodies. And also by the way, next time you receive your Raven, just know that Raven was eating an eyeball right beforehand. Okay. Just think about that. Well, wash your hands when you check your mail. Yeah, exactly. It's like when I was a stripper, like wash your hands after you count all that

money. Just kidding. I was a waiter. God, I wish I was a stripper. I always dreamed of being a stripper. You could be still. Nothing stopping you. Oh, gosh, I don't think kink has gone that far yet. Okay, so then we go back to Dragonstone with Rey and her advisors and they're like, well, they're still not coming for me. No men, no horses, no ships, no dragons, no crows, no door-dash deliveries that I didn't order that they're pranking me with. I mean, come on, make an effort. You know what I mean?

And she has all these dusty old men on her council that keep talking at her. And so we have one named Alfred who's like, oh, well we must seize the hour and act and they've penetrated our castle walls and now the river lands are aflame and the battle of the burning mill. I named it that actually. Does everyone cool if we call it that? The battle of the burning mill.

I think it just sounds really good, right? Battle of the burning mill. Battle of the burning mill. Sounds good. Oh, burning mill. I love that. I just love it because you could just be yourself at burning mills.

No, that's burning man. Burning mill is my thing that I created. I love that. I just love it because you could just be yourself at Burning Mill. It's like, no, that's Burning Man. Burning Mill is my thing that I created. I named it. I named this battle that happened. Wouldn't Burning Mountain be better than Burning Mill? And Burning Mill is so small compared to not Burning Hill. Burning Mill. Right. I was thinking about naming it the Bracken and Blackwood fight.

No, it just doesn't sound the same. It's just so over. Burning Mill. Burning Mill. The Battle of Burning Mill is really good. I think we... Okay, everyone's vote. Just so done.

I mean, the Bracken and Black fight is like farmhouse modern. You know what I mean? It's like over. It doesn't have a flow to it. If I see one more blue cabinet. I think we can all settle. Battle of the Burning Mill. Okay, here, here, it is settled. Okay, lunch. Anyone want lunch?

So of course, the old guys are like, oh my God, you're just a girl. You know what we should do? We have dragons. I say everyone get on the dragon and go burn a bunch of bitches. That's what we need to do. We just need to burn everything down." And she's like, guys, we can't burn everything down because it's a kingdom. So we need people to worship us if we're going to be in power. And they're like, no, we have dragons. So just start over. They're like Bill Gates-ing it. They're just like, start over. Let's keep 5% of the population, just kill everybody else. And she's like, I don't think that's a good idea, guys. Stupid women are so emotional, they shouldn't leave. Yeah, she's like, have you never heard of a Cold War before?

Okay, that's what we got to do. And so then this guy- And they're like, Cold Cut War? Yes, we just had one last week. I mean, this guy got a baloney right in my face. Oh my god, when Alfred took the last piece of ham and then I had to have turkey on my sandwich, talk about Cold Cod War. So she's like, we don't send dragons, we secure victory with armies, not with dragons alone. And then they're like, okay. Like, I don't think so. So yeah, they really just are chomping at the bit to go to war.

And she's like, no. And then they're like, you know, well, maybe it's time for you to think about secreting yourself somewhere safe. She's like, could you just say, okay, how about this? Instead of saying that I need to secrete myself somewhere, could you say just you should go somewhere because that's really disgusting. They bring the word secrete into this. I understand the context that you use it, But all I hear is secrete in the gross

away. Okay, so you can be on this council, choose your words better. They're like, why don't you just act like some snot and go dry on a wall somewhere? Okay, honey, because we got this toots. All right. You're you have boobies and we have wieners and we've got this and she's like, um, okay, so you want me to leave so you can try and conduct a war on my absence? No. Okay, no. There is one person who's gonna light 900 candles under a wood table that's probably gonna burn us all alive, and that is me. Yeah, um, last time I sort of was like out of town, you guys did a whole bunch of shit that really made it a lot worse. So, no. Here's what's gonna happen. We are not going to take some dragons and burn everything down. I'm going to get into a habit in a little bit and then we're going to have a nice diplomatic mission. Okay?

Payton, it's happening. We're finally being recognized for being very online. It's about damn time. I mean, it's hard work being this opinionated. And correct. You're such a Leo. All the time. So if you're looking for a home for your worst opinions, If you're a hater first and a lover of pop culture second,

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So they're like, well, we could do the war in your absence, but it's just like as a precaution and keep you safe. And she goes, that would be treason. And then she walks off. And then Rainice is like, mmm, this butterscotch, hold on. Let me just enjoy the last wash of butterscotch over this bit of cilantro in my teeth. Okay. This council would do well to remember that our queen wears the crown of my grandsire,

Jaehaerys, the Toqueen wears the crown of my grandsire, Jaehaerys the councilator. Jaehaerys the Jehoshaphat of Jokery, Jehudery, or as we called him, the conciliator. A prudent ruler, the wisest of Targaryen kings whose reign outlasted every other, hold on, even Aegon the conqueror's. So think about that. Men. Rainey's question from Alfred over here, person who took the last slice of ham. When you say grandsire, do you mean grandfather

or is grandsire a whole other concept? Just wondering. Because I say grandfather. Do we all say grandfather? Does anyone call it grandsire? I just want to know. Just want to get a level set on the terminology. A level set. So then Rainy and Corliss are talking outside and people are working and stuff and they're always so romantic. You know, it doesn't even matter what's going on out there. They're always, like, holding hands and looking deeply into

each other's eyes while she's, like, kind of sucking her bottom tooth. Which means that Coralist is probably gonna die this season. Um, yeah, they... And so this scene... But they're always like that. Yeah, but it's like they're really leaning into it this season. I think they just need to show, like, an actual warm relationship on this show. So, they, um... This scene is also so like blocked,

like, like there was like, you could tell there was a director behind a camera lens was like, okay, Reneese you stand awkwardly against this beam and Coralus will be under the beam sort of, but talking to you on the other side of the beam. And the beam is going to represent that there's an obstacle between you two that just cannot be surmounted. Okay, now go. So he's like, well, what's up, babe? It's like, what's going on? All these war mongers. And she's like, well, the council's wayward, she has a hard task. You know, men, you know how it is.

And she's like, well, you're gonna need to be by her side sooner than later. Yeah. So get ready, get ready, my dear, my love. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. By the way, that's not- They start making out, writing poetry for each other. And it's actually cute because he's like feeding her bread

and she's like, oh yeah, by the way, there's some soup. And then it's like the first- I mean, that bread and she's like, oh yeah, by the way, there's some soup and then it's like I mean that's love right there somebody just hand-feeding you carbs I know it's the first time in the history of the series that there's actually been like a semi-normal conversation That's like by the way, there's some bread over there if you want. Oh, thanks. Do you want some soup? Yeah, sure. Thanks Before people are not saying I do fear that the march to the Riverlands is going to lead to eminent peril It's like people just talking normally. So, um, anyway, so Rainies is like, yeah, by the way, I bid farewell to Raina

before I returned and Coralus was like, yeah, that's great. Um, you know, I would, I would fight a hundred battles before I went into exile with nothing but prattling babes. Children are stupid. Am I right? Am I right, Rainies? nothing but prattling babes. Children are stupid, am I right? Am I right, Rainies?

And she's like, well, you know, one of those babies that she's taken care of is your heir. So think about that. And he's like, Joffrey, a boy of six who knows nothing of the sea and yet somehow. She goes, well, I mean, come on. I mean, it would displease neither Rainier nor the gods if Rainer were named heir to Driftmark. I love all these people fighting over power. What are you in power over? Everything's burnt to the ground already

I know what do you all even have over there? You don't even have a Starbucks left. You're fighting over pennies at this point Coral says like Rainer Lord of the tides that the girl doesn't even know a smidge about psychology I mean, how's she even gonna to fill that? No, not not Prince of tides, Lord of the tides, different concept callers, keep up. So she's like, well, there's Rainer and there's Joffrey or there's Joffrey, both seem to be far from the creek of ships in the ocean's role. And he's like, well, I don't know, I just wish our kids were more into like sea stuff. You know what I mean? Like how are they going to rule if they don't know the sea? And she's like, they'll fly private like every

other goddamn ruler. All right. People don't want to rules they get stuck at sea. Do you know people long people takes to go from here to there? Weeks, months. All right. They sent that little guy from from what's that show? Slow Horses, all right? It took him literally centuries to get here backwards. You know, I have to say that I didn't meet a new best friend, his name is Hall, and like he's named Hall because he knows how to build halls, and I was thinking like maybe he could be, what do you think? Could he be like an heir? I don't know, like I think we're just gonna go bowling soon and then like, I don't know, maybe get one ear pierced or something like that. It's like, okay, cool,

so you're having a midlife crisis. This person does not want to be friends with you. Our heirs are gonna be either Rainer or Joffrey, and that's that. Yeah, so he's like, whatever, bowling, bowling. And she's like, hi, we're going to war soon. We're already at war. He's like, whatever, what do I care?

We have bread. So I think you're right, he's gonna die soon. He's just too, like, unbothered by things to survive on this show Anyone happy and well-adjusted is out of here. Okay. Yeah, so Speaking of well-adjusted not Ronnie's microphone. This is a car office. All right, Ronnie's recording from his car Are you there? Yes construction. Yes, I'm here. He has construction in his house So it's to save us from hearing all the banging and the sounds, the sounds that someday will fill up Harren Hall.

So in the meantime, we now cut to Raina who is about to leave Dragonstone and she's looking out at the water because that's kind of like the TV on the show. I think we talked about that last season that like, since there is no TV in house of dragons, the main TV that they have is just to look out at the water. So she's looking out at it. And then a group of men come out with a bunch of baby dragons and also like dragon eggs. So Bela and Jocelyn are behind her. And so Rhaenyra comes up and goes, I cannot spell fighting dragon, but

I send what I can. I will give you storm cloud and traxies. They're small. They're really not even dragons. They're basically just rabbits that we put little wings onto, you know? Little chihuahuas. Little chihuahuas who breathe fire occasionally. They're just adorable. If you want to do a little play, you can do it. It'll be fun. Oh, and she's like, go ahead. Sorry. Yeah, she's like, it's for you to remind Lady Jane, spelled J-A-Y-N-E, I know, I know. She always needs to be original, that one. Anyway, Lady Jane, I like to call her Jane-ee, right? Am I right? High five anyone? Anyway, let's remind her of her pledge to persuade her of her urgency of our need, okay?

Yeah, and you know, she's like, I don't want to go. She's like, you're going. But I don't want to, but you're going. But I don't want to, you're going. Baww. So then Bela says goodbye to Reyna also, and they're all, you know, Bela's reminding her like, no, look, look. yes, will I be on a dragon? Yes, will I be thwarting attacks and attacking on my own?

Will I be, you know, filling the landscape with fire? Will I be, you know, instilling fear in people below me? Yes, but you have some toddlers that you can hang out with and I think that's just as good. So I really wouldn't worry about it. Listen, I'm gonna be here watching war, which is gross, disgusting. I'm gonna be fighting people, flying on dragons, horrible traffic.

And you're gonna be playing skee-ball and watching Nickelodeon. Listen, will I be remembered in the history books for, I don't know, maybe leading an army, you know, winning some great battle? Perhaps. Will you be remembered for, you know, playing checkers with the kids in their lives? Absolutely, yes. Yeah.

Um, so over with, um, Helena and Alison. So Alison's kind of checking, you know, Allison's not the greatest mom, I have to say. Can we just take a moment and judge her mothering? I know that's called mother shaming in this day and age, and we're not supposed to do that, but she kind of sucks. Okay. I mean, your kid just lost their kid. Have you even been over there? What have you done? Like, do something. Like, say like, I'm sorry, honey. You know, I know that moms aren't all about hugs all the time, you know, but some would be nice. Pete Slauson One of our listeners wrote me and has a theory.

And their theory is that Helena actually pointed to the girl, not to the boy, and that because the pointed to the girl, not to the boy. And that, and because the people who tend to the corpse are like the women without voices, no one could say, hey, there's no, there's no pee pee on this body. And so that the boy lives on. I don't know, I feel like that's a little far-fetched, but it's a fun theory to think about.

So I'm just putting it out there. Hmm. I mean, I think that they would check to see if there was a wiener, the kid that was alive. Pretty big deal to them. But I mean, I don't know. They're also not very good at that. And this is a soap opera and that is a soap opera thing to happen. Exactly. It's very soap, soap, opera, but then they also might, the other issue is that they might notice a wiener on the girl who's alive if there is in fact a switcheroo.

So that could be an issue too, going down in the future, just saying. Pete Slauson I guess we'll see. Time will tell, hey? Jared Larkin So, Helene is saying, you know, I feel sorry about Jaehaerys, but I ought not to, I think. And she's like, really? She goes, yeah, people die all the time, especially babies. I mean, poor people die. Poor people have babies that die. I mean, we don't ever, you know, let them walk around crying all the time. Like, why should I be able to cry? Just because I'm rich? What the fuck is that? Oh, do I have privilege? Why do I have cry privilege when my kid dies? No one else gets cry privilege. Like, wow. She's so sweet, Helena. Like, thinking

of, even though she calls him small folk, which isn't very nice, but... I know, Allison's like, well, sadness is a condition of motherhood. I mean, look at you and your brother slash husband, right? I mean, I've been sad for so many years now. What a thing to say to your daughter. I'm like, wow, so you don't only not console her when she needs you You're also like, yeah Having you really saddened me up so Yeah, I get used to it. So

She's like well, there's nothing to gain from being sad. It's their mother You know, I mean that horrid procession where all the small thugles stared at me like I mean I Don't have more right to grief than them do I she's like yes, we do we're rich She goes, but you are right that the stranger comes for us all Queen and commoner alike So you have as much claim to grief as anybody like you're allowed to cry and I thought that was the sweetest thing She's ever said as a mom. It was sweet and Elena's's like, and what about you? She goes, well, I love Jeharus, but my concern has been more for you and what you've endured. And so Helena's like, wrong answer, mother. And so she turns away. She's like, Helena, she goes,

I forgive you, mother. And, and I was like, for what? You surely have, you surely didn't see anything when you came into our bedroom that night, right? You forgive me for what? For being a good mother? No need to forgive me for that." She's like, no, I said, I forgive you. And I'm not going to elaborate, but we all know what I'm talking about. And I forgive you. So then Aegon is being fit for his armor because he so wants to take the dragon to war or whatever. And they're like, Oh my God, you're going to be so amazing to war. I can't believe it. Look at you're wearing like this like famous, this famous iron. Malarian steel, Malarian steel,

obsessed, obsessed with the Larian steel. They come like, Oh, I love your steel. So nice. You can like Windex blood right off of that thing. It is so nice. The only thing is though that you do have to treat it with oil. Otherwise it will rust. Just, I know, just make sure it just, you can get water on it, just not too much water. And don't use soap because it is semipermeable and it's sort of, it can, it can absorb it. So just only use water and then dry it off right away and put oil on it. So he's basically surrounded by a bunch of kiss asses.

They're like, oh my God, you look amazing. You look so hot. You're going to be great. It's a great idea. The king flying on the light. Yeah, living. Great. And he's like, I'm going to take the dragon.

Not a dragon, I guess. So then Larys comes in and he's like, there are rumors that the king readies himself to fly to war. Does he? Is that what the king readies himself to fly to war. That's what he's going for. Yeah. And he's basically like, there's subtle. He's just like looking around, licking his lips, like hunched over. Like, you're not putting him with all the burrows right now. He's like one only

that I would think would benefit all of us to prevent our king from being brutally slain by enemies and his body parts scattered to beasts and his court come to ruin. Would you not agree? And then Aegon's like, um, I am literally wearing Valyrian steel. Like nothing could kill me right now. I don't know what's wrong with you, sir. I was given the conqueror's name and his crown. So I shall wear his armor to war and I fly to meet Sir Criston.

Okay? Yeah. crown. So I shall wear his armor to war, and I fly to meet Sir Criston, okay?" Yeah, and he's like, well, you're going to have a great time at war. Good for you, bro. Now there are diverse rumors, whispered on the streets of your city, one such as that your grace sends his forces to battle, and his courage and wisdom flies with them. He's like, yeah, hell yeah, I'm a badass. That's why people are saying that. He's like, Another rumor? Mm-hmm. My son is graced with us. Outwith it, best counselors and persuaded to fly to war was so graced and so that Queen Alice into a reign in his absence with Prince Aemond at her side.

What about that? You're being manipulated. Manipulated by a woman? Can you believe it? I didn't really say that. I just planted the seed very very subtly. I hope you don't do anything with that information. Surely I'm not manipulating you. I mean Jesus calm down over there. It's like doing a tap dance with the cane. Calm it down, dude. But of course Aegon falls for it. Aegon falls for it. Right. Because he's like, oh shit, they are plotting against me at home because his ego can't take that. So Laris is smart because Laris is like, this is ridiculous for this king to go to war. He'll get killed. And then this is all gonna go shit. So then Aegon's like, well, hmm,

you know, uh, well, you know, Lord Laris, my father always said he had no use for a master of whispers. And yet I find myself wanting for one. I should be glad of your talents." He's like, oh, you wanted me, oh, grace. So then the knight's like, yeah, okay, this is cool. I don't really know what's going on. We're still going to go to the dragon pit now. He's like, um, you know, I don't know if I'm in the mood to go in the dragon pit right now. I think I'm going to do you guys want to look at the sea? I'm gonna turn on the sea, just stare at it for a few hours. I just really feel like binging the sea right now, if that's okay. Pete Slauson Then he just stares at himself in the mirror like,

don't worry, you're still hot. Jared Yeah. Pete Slauson Yeah. Jared So then, they, the knights are joking, they're like, well, you can come out with us, we're gonna go, you know, fuck some hookers." And they're like, yeah, this one's a virgin. He goes, but you're sworn to chastity now. And they all start laughing. And he's like, oh, really? You're laughing because now I'm exerting my power over you. You cannot have sex. And they're like, oh, shit. Jesus. You take away the man's dragon

and now nobody can have sex. Thanks a lot, club foot. So then now we're going to go to the streets and King's Landing where it's loud music and yelling and lots of people and the small folk are marauding. So now we see Ulf as he enters a brothel and he approaches people. Actually not a brothel, it's a pub or something. Who knows? It could be a multi use facility But this guy Ulf he comes on in and he's kind of like the norm the norm of of King's Landing He walks in they're all like oh So he comes in he's like oh lads. I've had quite a day of it not sure not sure much for talking

Although you know a wet wizard works wonders if you know what I'm saying Yeah, he basically comes in and he's like, Hi, everybody, please don't ask me how my day went. Okay, just kidding. I am like the heiress brother. So I'm like uncle fancy pants. And I'm really connected. And the only reason I don't have super blonde hair is because I'm like a half brother, but I'm still like super famous, you guys. And they're like, Oh, my God, you're famous. And he's like, did I say that out loud? Yeah, he's a little obnoxious about this because he's just like meeting this merchant. There's a new guy, this merchant, and he's like not chill about it.

He's like, oh, I don't know you by the way. My grandsire is King Jhaerys. Yeah, yeah, he is. And they're like, you're lying, because look at who you are. You're not King Jhaerys. He's like, no, it is and they're like you're lying cuz look at who you are It's not King Jhaerys. He's like no it is it is he's like I'm son of Baelon the brave bastard brother to Prince Daemon And the late King Viserys uncle to the one true king Rhaenyra Targaryen not to be confused with Reyway Targaryen or Rhaena Targaryen or Daena Targaryen or Fae Fae Targaryen or Freyna She's real nuts. Hormones got to her. Nuttin'. She's got some issues. She'll be all right.

He's like, yes, a dragon seed must watch his own neck when he has no white-clothed godsmen to do it for him. And the guy's like, yeah, okay. Well, the funny thing is that you don't really look like Viserys or Daemon, or really any Targaryen. You just have long hair. So what's the deal with that? And he's like, well, guess who else doesn't have blonde hair? The rightful heir to the throne, my nephew, Prince Gessarys Velaryon. They're like, uh, yeah, cause he's from unfair. Loser, what are you bragging about? And so then they're like, oh, well, here's another nephew. And Aegon enters and he looks like he's about to shit the floor because he's just been in here bragging and could get killed.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So now it's like really awkward because he just said that and the king is like literally, it's not even like, oh, the king's guard is there or there's like an official person. It's literally the king. The king of like everyone is now in this pub. And he just said that like he isn't the king. So it's really awkward. But Agon's like whatever. He doesn't care. He comes in and he's like, everyone drinks on me, drinks on the ground,

which is really drinks on you because we're going to collect taxes for it anyway. And by the way, you all owe me an extra sheep. So yeah, drinks. Everyone have a drink and have a have a fun time. Yeah. So he's just being a drunk asshole as usual. And he's like, I only need to do is get you a whole, you know, I've got a good whore. And if you, you're going to get a whore. If you, I don't even know a name. Who needs to know a horse name? Yeah. He's just gross. So they're going through, he's opening all the rooms. We see someone getting head.

I'm assuming that was a prosthetic very prosthetic. It literally, it looked like a big plastic dick. But you know what? Last week I made a whole big stink. You know, when they had that scene of Amon lying in the arms of a prostitute and he was he was seated so strangely, it looked like they were contorting him. So that way he couldn't possibly show his dick. And I had this whole thing of like, isn't it funny? Like this show, they just never show dicks.

They just they're all obsessive boobs only. And then, of course, this this episode full on fellatio we see even if it is a prosthetic. And then in a little bit we actually see Eamon full frontal. So I take it all back. I take it all back. Yeah. We get some good Laura Dern dick in this one. So he's going through like tearing open the curtains and walking in on everybody boning and then laughing at them, you know, which is what everybody pays

To have sex for to get laughed at by the king. What's like and I have my body back Yeah, I came in here for a little self-confidence and just got mocked by power So I would like this blowjob for free. Thanks So a gun finally opens up our curtain and there's a mint again Laura Dern in bed with you know sex worker and so a guns like ha ha Look, there's my brother. There is everyone. This is my brother. This is my brother and look he's being cradled Isn't that sad is his kink is being cradled. It's pathetic yeah, he just laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and

laughs and Laura and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs. And Laura Dern's like, I'm gonna get you, bitch. I'm gonna get you. Thanks a lot, brother. Thanks for shaming me. So he gets up full frontal and is like, look at me. I'm naked and I'm not afraid. Naked and unafraid.

And he just walks out of there like, fuck him. And he has swag too, this guy. He's like, I'm gonna walk out nakedly and confidently. And he also throws the hooker under the bus. He's like, oh, well, your squad is welcome too. One whore is as good as another. Cause you know, he has to pretend to be a badass in front of these losers, really.

So then we go back to Dragonstone and Ray Ray's crying. She's like, wow, my kids are gone. You know, now I just back to Dragonstone and, uh, Ray Ray's crying. She's like, wow, my kids are gone. You know, now I just have to put away these toys. I mean, here's this nail and hammer. It's got to put that away. Here's this book of matches. Got to put that away. Here's a serrated blade. God got to put that way. And then we go to this big, beautiful field where nothing could go wrong. And Kristen, well, the Kristen group is trotting along on their horses. And so Kristen comes up with this horse up to Gwaine and it's like, so Gwaine, hold, so Gwaine, our company is camped

back yonder. And Gwaine's like, yeah, on the cold, hot ground, which is why we make for the bull, a tavern with an excellent reputation on the Rosby Road. Have you ever been Rosby Road? That's actually, it's not an actual road. It's actually the name of the web. It's like, yep, but it's called Rosby Road. You ever heard of Angie's List? So Angie's List is for like repairs

and Rosby Road is for recommendations. Anyway, this- Gwain's like, I don't care where you're staying. I'm gonna go get hookers with my men, bye. Yeah, so Kristen's like, I don't care where you're staying. I'm going to go get hookers with my men. Bye. Yeah. So Kristen's like, yeah, but we're going to wake up early in the morning, just so you know. And Queen's like, um, yeah,

I'm pretty sure my nephew is not going to be mad if I go and have a drink tonight. So don't worry about it. Yeah. It's like, we're going to get laid and have sex and tell everybody, alert everybody that we're on the road to kill Right way. Yeah What we're so Kristen's getting so pissed but he's like looking up to the Sun like oh damn it

But then he sees a shadow and it's Baila and her dragon or rate Raina and her dragon No, it's Baila and her dragon. Sorry. So many some names like other names in my head swimming around my head. Um, so, uh, Chris is like, Woohoo, boop, boop, mama choo choo coming through through. So Chris is like, we're exposed. I was like, yeah, maybe you should have thought about that before you let all your men into a giant field. So they're like, oh no.

So now they start racing to get to the trees and then here comes Bayla on moon dancer and she sees them. And it's amazing that by the way, she sees them cause like their armor like reflects and she has like, but by the way, between Bela and Kristen seeing each other, it's ridiculous. Like neither of them should be able to see each other, but they do. So now she swoops down on the dragon and she's going to just try to like scare them because you know, she loves this sort of shit. And they run and get into the trees to hide from the dragon, which seems to be pretty easy because then she's like, well, okay, I guess

we can't see you. So we'll leave now. You do have a dragon that could burn down the trees. You know that, right? But yeah, I guess she's not really there to to burn people. So she just goes back to report that she just saw Kristin Cole and they're like, how do you know it's Kristin Cole? She's like, have you seen the haircut? Anybody could recognize that stupid hair from space. He permed his bangs. Also, maybe next time don't swoop down. If you're doing a reconnaissance mission, don't swoop down and scare the people you're trying to do the reconnaissance on. You're supposed to be kind of discreet.

How are you going to hide with the dragon? Flying through the sky. But like, be chill. Can you be more subtle on your gigantic warship? She was so high up. She was so high up. She should have just stayed up there and acted like she didn't see them and then maybe they wouldn't have run into the woods.

But now she sort of like compromised the information. Well, she got, she at least alerted them that they're coming. So they're like, yes, we've heard, we've heard that they're coming. And so they're basically like, let's burn his ass. She's like, oh my God, of course this is what you guys want to do. Like kill him, burn him, burn him, burn him, burn him.

And she's like, well, I've heard your arguments. They're like war immediately war. We love war, war, war, war, war. I own stock in the war company. And she's like, no, guess what? We should burn them. Cause I own stock in dragon Burton. So the more people would kill the more money I make.

Let's do it. So by the way, another thing that happened out of this was that once Kristen's group ran into the woods, then Gwyn was like, I'm in your debt. He's like, okay, I'll, I won't be a dick to you anymore. Okay. You proved yourself. So meanwhile, over in Heron Hall, Damon is in his chamber. He's put some, he's put a sword through the notches in his. So the way people can't come in and somewhat, there's like there he sees shadows of two feet at his door. And then someone tries to get, it was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, what the fuck? So he goes, he grabs the sword,

he opens the door, he steps outside and there's no one there. And then he hears a noise. And then he like, he goes into a room where there's a fireplace and what he sees there is young Ray Ray sewing on sewing back on the head of little Jhaerys. And then Ray Ray is like, always coming and going aren't you? And I have to clean up afterwards, don't I? So it's obviously a dream sequence. Um, yeah, I mean, I don't know,

cause they never show him like waking up where he's like, I'm now I'm awake. But it's, I think it's a dream sequence. Like this is clearly like, cause that's young Ray Ray, right? So, and there's like the kid. So then he wakes up and he's like standing at a tree and then he turns around and there's this lady,

her name is Alice Rivers. And she goes, you will die in this place. Well, fuck you too. How do you just go up to someone and say that? And then she just walks away. Yeah. And so then, um, now we're back with Rainer and Misaria, our favorite new couple. And she's like, what you know about the movements of Alicent? And she's like, would you take a hostage or kill her outright? Well, I would like to speak to her myself. Killing her would be easier.

It's like, oh, well, if war can be averted, it is my duty to avert it. And I have a reason to believe that she may be of the same opinion. She sent a raven, by the way, and she's expressed her remorse. She's like, okay, well, there's no way, absolutely zero way on this planet you're ever going to be able to talk to Allison because Allison is surrounded by people. It's way too busy. There's absolutely no way, not even me, the lady of the whispers can help you unless you dress like a nun and go on a boat and hide and sneak up through the stairs to the chapel. That's the only way.

That's actually a very simple way. It turns out there's actually a very simple way that you can do this. Just put on a habit, take a boat. Those boats are unsecured. Everyone sneaks into King's Landing to those boats. It's so silly. It's like, there's no way, except maybe a disguise. So she does, she gets in the disguise and she goes on the boats and she does all the stuff. And then you see Allicent who, you know, listen, I'll tell you one person who is banging the help that she's not supposed to be banging that is like forcing religious rule over everybody that she knows. I'll tell you one thing she's not going to miss is church.

Okay? A hypocrite will be there every fucking Sunday. And that's where she is. So she goes up to the church and light candles. She loves those candles. She's been doing it for like two seasons now. Light and gray candle. Well, because everybody just keeps dying on this show. Let me tell you, there's one thing in modern times I just don't understand, which is the candle craze. Literally, everybody sells a candle. Every store you go into, there are $100 candles everywhere. I don't get it personally, but I do get it for this time period,

like where they live, because literally people live to be like five minutes old, and then you have to light a candle for them every fucking day. That I can understand the candles for. So, um, so Ray Ray sits next to Allison and Allison's like, why is this nun sitting so close to me? And so she finally looks and Ray Ray has like a little and Allison's like, why is this nun sitting so close to me? So she finally looks and Ray Ray has like a little knife to be like, don't yell. And no, it's like this moment of like,

oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. So then Ray Ray is like, you know, listen, I think I've begun badly. I think maybe holding a knife up to you is not the way I should start this diplomatic mission. Let me start again. Okay, so you know what? Remember when we were girls and we watched that tournament together and like, remember

the day that my brother was born? Like, and we knew then men suck, right? They train for battle. They just want to fight. They seek blood and glory. They ruin everything. Remember, remember when we said that? Yeah. It's like, well, you killed my son. No, you killed my son. But then your son stole my throne. But then you said I was gonna be queen. But then, yeah. But then your dad said that my son should be queen. She's like, you're a liar.

She's like, I'm not lying. You know I don't lie. I'm religious. And then she's like, uh-huh, you do lie because my dad wouldn't have said that. And she goes, yes, he did. Because I went up there and your dad was telling me this story. And it was about how the prince is going to come and the prince

has been promised and the prince's name is Aegon. And she's like, dummy, that's a story. I can't believe he told you that story. It's supposed to be between us. I can't believe you misunderstood that story. Now we're going to war because you misunderstood it. And she's like, that's just a story. She's like, it's like Three's Company where they just hear like they hear someone going, oh, Jack's trying to put on his shoes behind the door, like, oh, I can't get the oh, I can't get it in. Oh, God, I can't get it in. And then Janet snows like, oh, Jack, just put it in. He's like, I can't I can't get it in. And Mr. Furley is on the other side of the door going like, I thought he was gay and

that's why he was living with women. So yeah, basically they're having like a glazed eye off, like their eyes are filling with tears and she's like, it's a story about Aegon the conqueror. And now she goes, Oh, the conqueror. I see that now. Okay. Um, I thought it was about Aegon the wanker. You know what? Your father did not have good diction on his deathbed.

It's a little hard sometimes to understand someone when they have no cheeks. So, oh, okay, well, I think you should go now. She goes, Ray Ray's like, there's no mistake, no mistake. No, no, it was no, I made no mistakes in this situation whatsoever. I think that I interpreted it properly. And anyway, it was lovely, lovely to see you. I must go, I'm just gonna go. I have to just throw up a little bit in the corner if you don't mind me.

Okay, I'm just gonna go, bye. So Ray Ray's like, dude, now I put on a fucking nun costume for it. Now, granted, I look banging in this, I look so good. But still, I did it for you. And we're the only people who are gonna be able to stop this fucking war. And Allison's like, right, look around you, lady, okay?

You've got your man over there killing children, that's not what his order was, and just like doing all sorts of shit that are sending us to war. Then we've got my fucking loser kids. You've seen them, right? Like she even says something like, you know I have no control over this fuck.

Like, are you fucking kidding me? Like what I'm gonna tell him, I'm gonna tell him to stop burning things down. Good luck. Yeah, she's like, it's too late. Yeah, I fucked up. But you know what? Next time people should say things,

get things in writing, you know, say things in writing. Okay. But now we just have to live with it. And then, then, you know, Allison runs off and was like, and that's the cliffhanger and next week it looks like the battling begins. Yeah. So they're fucked. Everybody's fucked. It's just when we all knew it, you know, but, oh my God, it sucks. Yeah, it sucks for them. Everybody's fucked. All right, everybody.

Well, thank you so much for being with us today and yesterday, next week and the week after, years and years, okay? We sure love you guys. We will talk to you next time. Bye. If you like Watch What Crappens, you can listen ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus

in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Prime members can listen ad-free on Amazon Music. Before you go, tell us about yourself by filling out a short survey at Wondery.com slash survey. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer, your favorite quadruple threat, actor, singer, dancer, and my new role, podcaster. My podcast, Baby This Is Kiki Palmer, is blowin' up, y'all, cause every episode I bring on an icon.

Like when John Stamos and I talked about internet trolls hating on Disney adults, or when Jordan Peele explained why we love scary movies, even though the world is already creepy as fuck. Tune in to learn a little and laugh a lot, cause your girl keeps it real. Listen on Wondery Plus. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.