Watch What Crappens - #2495 House of the Dragon S02E06: Ride or Die

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

This week on House of the Dragon, someone tries to ride a dragon, and it doesn’t go very well.  But maybe not so bad for someone else!  Also, lady-on-lady action because HBO.   Watch this recap on video  and listen to all of our bonus episodes at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensFind bonus episodes at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens and follow us on Instagram @watchwhatcrappens @ronniekaram @benmandelker Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Winter's Crappening at Sootra Krappin's recap of House of the Dragon. I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today from the tortured lands of Westeros, Mr. Ronnie Karam. Hi, Ronnie, how's it going? Hi, I'm doing great. What's going on over there with you today? Not much, just, you know, enjoying this season of House of the Dragon. It's moving along at a nice clip. We only have two episodes left. We're almost done with the season. It's gone by really quickly. And there's also so many loose ends. Yeah, it's pretty crazy.

You know, it always seems like nothing's happening. And then a lot happened. Like a makeout session happens that I didn't expect. I'm like, oh, you just changed everything. I know. Like, I was, that makeout session, I was like, tell me you have a show written by a man without telling me you have a show written by a man. It's like, women sharing a nice moment. And of course, they're immediately turned on by each other.

Yeah. But it's also like, you know, written, I would assume, well, it's written by women too, right? But I mean, I guess it's based on the, yeah, we definitely see women in like that behind the scene stuff, you know, but it definitely. I did feel like that too, because I didn't see it coming, but I also never see gay girl stuff coming because I'm not a gay girl. I'm a gay guy. So I see gay guy stuff everywhere. I like, I want the guys to make out all the time. And it's not that I don't want the girls to make out.

I'm just always surprised that they do, you know. I'm always, and in real life, I'm usually surprised. If I don't know that someone's gay, I'm usually very surprised to find out if they're one of my female friends. I'm like, really? And I don't know why it is. I don't really have much of a gay dar when it comes to guys either. You know, you have to be super obvious. But anyway, the point is, I was the same.

I was like, wait a minute, I didn't see that coming at all. I guess this is, is this hot? I don't know. I was like, it built strange. But then again, we're also two podcasters who last week were like, oh, that guy. going to go give blow jobs that Bracken family until they kind of join Damon's cause. Clearly there's something gay going on. And I was like, no, just going to steal the babies.

So we do find the gay. We find the gay wherever we can. Anyway, today's episode that we're recapping. It's episode six. It's called Small Folk, which I enjoy because, you know, I love the small folk on this show, which is, it's actually very off-brand for me. Usually on these shows, I really like the rich people and I don't like the poor people. But on this show, I really like the poor people.

I'm like, I'm all for the small folk, except for I'm getting a little over that like little girl who coughs in bed the whole time. But we didn't see her this week. We just saw her parents. Yeah. You know, I'm not a huge small folk fan. In real life, I'm a small folk. Like, I like small folk fine. You know, they're like we're normal people. But on TV, especially on shows like this, here's why I don't like them. Because they do what small folk in real life do, which is they band together over stupid shit. And they get that like crowd mentality. where it's like one person's like, we're going to attack them now, and then everybody just starts attacking. You know, I just don't understand that whole crowd.

You know, like when you see videos of like soccer, like someone wins soccer, and then everybody starts tipping over cars, I don't want to be there for that. You know, I just don't understand that. Or like when you're surrounded by like hundreds of people

at a Taylor Swift concert and people are sobbing, even their dads. And I'm like, I don't get it. Like, what is this? It's a part of the human experience

that I've just never really understood. And I think that other people, it's like when you watch, Starlings fly and they all know to turn in the right direction. It's like that, but with insanity. Like humans, like, will pick one little turn of insanity and they're like, I'm insane too! And then, like, completely normal people will just turn crazy all the sudden. And that's how I look at the small folk on this show. You just can't fucking trust these people. One minute, they're acting completely normal and then they're all teaming up to murder you.

Yeah, I mean, the mass hysteria is definitely happening here. And I think the comparison to Swifties is apt for the small folk of, you know, Kings Landing. But, you know, I think that you know what it is normally when I watch a TV show I mean I generally watch TV shows the dramas I've enjoyed or the soaps I've enjoyed you know in the past have always been about rich and privileged people but they always throw in some poor person so like on the OC there's Ryan and on gossip girl there's Dan and on revenge there's that guy and they're always you know that guy who's like in love with the daughter Madeline's daughter and they're always so righteous. They always make the poor people on these shows just unfun. Whenever there's a party,

and the poor people always have the morals. Yeah, it's always like, yeah, whenever there's like a big party and like someone's getting drunk, it's always like the poor kid who comes in as like, this isn't good for you. I'm getting you out of this party. And it's like, why do they always make poor people so lame on these shows? They're always like virtuous, which is like, no, I think like the poor people would want a party just as much as the rich people. And in fact, that would make them more fun on these shows. So normally I'm like, uh, poor people on TV. I don't like it. Like scripted TV, I should say. But on this show, I'm like really down with the small folk. I love them. They're great. No, in reality, too. I mean, it's like Gina.

Because they did make up for it on OC because I do like Jen Pedrante and she's like currently poor. So I like her. But yeah, anyway, so this is all this is called small folk. It's all built around the pores. And so I was like, oh God, here we go. You know. So we start with Lannister's brother, Jason. Yeah, in a field. And he's talking to Humphrey. And Humphrey's like, well, the golden tooth is honored to receive you, Lord, Lannister.

I've got 500 men. We're armed. We're ready. And we will march as soon as there's a dragon to protect us. In the meantime, we are going to eat all of your McDonald's for free and have sex with all of your hookers. Thanks. Yeah, Humphrey's like, welcome. Yes, the golden tooth, we of the golden tooth really appreciate you being here.

And I don't know if you've considered an invisiline, but it's something that we do offer to discount. And also some whitening, it's only three sessions. They don't cost the golden tooth for nothing. That's what I'm trying to say. So he's like, tell your king that we need the dragon here immediately, or we're not doing shit. We'll be at the whole house.

And he's like, I don't know if you've met Laura Dern, But I wouldn't fuck with her. He crazy. Okay. Yeah. Because basically it's, yeah, Jason Lannister is the one who's like, well, we're not going to listen, Golden Tooth. Even though, like, we're cool with you guys. We're not marching until we get Laura Dern and a dragon here, which is basically a dinosaur.

I mean, yes, do I have lions in a cage? Yes. But it's really just for fun. It's really just for the Graham. I mean, what is the lion going to do in battle, right? It's probably going to hurt us more than hurts them. So, like, we really need a dragon. The lion's nothing compared to a freaking dragon, that's for sure.

Exactly. Those dragons are huge. So Humphrey's like, yeah, I don't know that. Because, you know, like, I can't just call him because this is like the middle ages. So I've got to send a fucking thing. And then we'll wait for the thing to talk to the thing. Then we got to wait for another thing, a bird or whatever. So it could take a while.

He's like, well, how many horses do you have? Got a lot of quarters. Yeah, basically Jason Lannister. like, guess what? I just brought the entire army to your castle and we're not going to go any further because we're waiting for Laura Dern. So until she shows up with a dragon, we're just going to like hang out in your castle and eat all your food and sleep with all your prostitutes and you just have to deal with it because I'm a Lanister. Right. So then we go to a council meeting at King's Landing. Small council. Small council. It's a lot of huffiness. Well, did you hear about

what happened in the Riverlands? What were the golden tooth and the gray joys. Have we heard from the gray joys? Well, not since they went to the free cities. Oh, the triarchy. Has anyone reached out to the triarchy? Well, Surtile and reached out to the triarchy. What about the blockade? With the small folk? No, with the big city, people in the riverlands and red keeps and aries and such. Yeah. And it's, Amon's pissed because he's being summoned by a fucking Lannister. He's not liking that. And he's like, well, but there is a dragon that could kill him. He's like, so what you cares? I'm Loritan. So then Um, he gets all pissed off about that.

And then they're like, dude, but also everybody's kind of starving. They're not really loving that. He's like, yeah, we should end that blockade. So just end it. Like, whoa, you can't just, this is not really how it works. You can't just end it. He's like, fuck it. Kill them all.

Yeah. And then they're like trying to, yeah, basically he's like, why is everyone mad at me when they're the ones who are stopping all the food from coming in? Like, we should go after the blockade. And so at one point, Allison, like, she sort of chimes in and Laura Dern is not happy with it at all. So, you know, after the meeting's over, he's like, mother,

a word. She goes, well, I caution you, Amen, boldness is one thing, but overconfidence. Remind me of your place in the small council, mother. And she's like, um, excuse you, my role is your mother, motherfucker. I shouldn't say that on this show because like,

as we found out last week, that could be literal. Okay, but still, I'm your mother. and you know I represented your father, and now I'm a counselor to egg on. And he's like, yeah, but dad's dead. And Egon is basically like an egg on the floor. He's like an egg on drugs. Okay, he's been cracked. He is being fried in a pan right now.

So you're fired. You're fired. So then she touches his face. She's like, let me put my hand on your skull. Have the indignities of your childhood not yet sufficiently been avenged? He's like, of my childhood, this fuck face lying in bed over there, made fun of my penis just last week. I'm mad. Get out of here. That's true. And also, she's like, oh, really, you're being mean to me? Haven't you, haven't you gotten over being bullied yet?

Not really. And are you going to bring that up while you're getting fired? It's not the best time to have this conversation. You know what I mean? Allison does not have the best timing here. And one thing I'll say about literally everybody on this show that I think makes it so even is that literally nobody deserves this job. No. Nobody. Not a one of them. No one has experience. No one is trained. No one bothers training anybody for work on this show. Like nobody is trained on either side.

Nobody knows what the fuck they're doing. Maybe Damon, kind of, because he's been in battles a lot. Or so Christian has been in some battles. But they're not very good people, people. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's like basically fantasy version of going to the DMV. It's just like a lot of bureaucracy.

A lot of, oh, no, you're in the wrong line. Like, do you even know what you're doing here, man? So, then we go. we go over to Dragonstone and Corliss is standing around Corlis is so mopey like yes the love of his life just died yes well yeah

but he was mopee before he's been like really mopey for a long time like it feels like everyone else has gotten over it so I think Corlis has to sort of you know get to it he's a very poetic feeling person Ben he's been like but he's been so emo all season like even before Rainies died he was like walking around

the shipyards being wistful and being like, you saved me. Wow. I love you, person I'm definitely not related to at all, but I love you like a son, not that you are one. Oh, man, I'm just doddering about. Don't mind me. Yeah.

So then Corliss is there, though. It's his first day at work. He's like, well, hello, your highness. Are there pop tots in this office break room? Because I'm going to need a little bit more than just gratitude for being hired for a job that I really didn't want the first place. Okay, feed me. And so she's like, welcome, everybody. Okay, here's the problem. We lost Princess Rainis, entered Dragon. Sorry to rub it in, but it's true, not blaming anybody.

Now, I have an island seat. I've got no land army, and I am not allowed to go to battle myself, so we're going to have to have auditions for Dragon Riders. Anybody? Here's the thing. Internet's been really slow around here. We lost our IT person. It turns out Rainis was also the one handling our transition from PC to Mac. So we're kind of left in the lurcher. So we just really need someone to step up. Sir Stefan Darklin, we feel like this might be a good moment for you. We know that you know something.

You have a Mac, right? You understand this? Can you chill it for us? She's like, well, by the way, oh, Stefan's like, there's still Damon, the cruxies. I mean, he's a man. So surely he can do something. And she's like, yeah, I'm not really sure that he's on my side.

I got a raven said he's jerking off to incest porn. So that never leads to a good place. So basically, I need some dragon riders for Vermethore and Silver Wing, okay? And for Seas Smoke, because Seas Smoke misses his bond, okay? And also, alone smoke, not a good place to be. You need to have a partner to smoke with. Get C. Smoke a partner. So Stefan's like, oh, well, I mean, but there are no more on your family, your grace, your younger sons and babes, you know, and she's like, well, there's, yeah, there's no one left. And what about Princess Raina? She's like, well, Corlis says, well, she, you know, she tried, but, you know, she's just not a very good dragon driver, unfortunately. She wasn't able to, she took the test three times and eventually we said, you know what, how about Uber? We're gonna. She just kept hitting the cones. I mean, literally every time.

really far one time, but when it came to parallel parking, it was like, we just, that curb wasn't going to work out. Yeah. So, um, they're like, well, Stefan's like, well, then who? And she goes, you, Stefan, you're of noble birth. And, you know, I've always heard the darkness and the Targaryens have some common blood. So let's check it out. I've looked you up. I've Googled you. Let's try it out. And you know, this guy is just destined to fail. Yeah. The poor guy. This guy, Bartamos, is like, I must protest your grace. I mean, the risk involved in such adventure, he hasn't even had a scene all by himself on this show. He's clearly going to die.

This is ridiculous. And he's short. We don't really let that many short people live on this show. I mean, there are notables exceptions, obviously, but, you know. And Stefan's like, well, I am but a man, and the dragons are gods. So I was thinking he was going to be like, fuck no. Yeah. Like, who am I to write a dragon?

But he's not. He's like, and I accept your challenge. Yes. I'm like, sir, you're a day player. What is wrong with you? So she's like, but you know. Sir, have you noticed that you're wearing a red shirt right now? You are so dead.

Just fast forward to the part where they kill this poor guy. Please. It's like, okay, sure, let's do this. So then we go, okay. So now Damon, dream sequence of the week. Here we go. Damon's in the Iron Throne room and he's seeing Vassara sitting on the throne. And he's like, brother, Viseras is really angry.

He's like, did you say it? The air for a day, did you say it? You said that. You started that slogan. And he's like, no, I did, but you can't be angry about this. You never know what's going to go viral. And I really, I thought it was just going to be like a one-off thing. I didn't know it was going to take Westeros by storm.

Yeah, they're rehashing the fight that they had when Damon was originally kicked the hell off and forced to go live with his wife that he eventually killed with Iraq. Oh, God, this show is just so romantic, isn't it? Also, seeing Vesaris looking all cute and blonde and, like, fresh-faced, he's like a season three housewife right now. I also like-Vis-Seres, yes. What did you get done, GER? Fresh-faced for Vesaris means he just has a full face. Like, there's no holes in his cheek.

And, like, wow, look how fresh face he is. He's still, like, Hagrid on the throne. But, like, right. It's not true. Fresh in this case doesn't mean new. It just means not rotting off yet. Yeah, exactly. So they're having like, it's a hallucination fight and everything.

And Vassaris is just like guilting him saying things like, I only defended you. I only ever defended you. And everything I've given you, you've thrown back in my face, which was really awkward when I had that hole in my cheek because things would just really get right into my mouth. Don't throw things at my face is what I'm trying to say.

So then Damon goes to the door. He's like, fine, I'll leave. And he goes to the door and he tries to open it, but the doors won't open. He's like, I'm locked in. I open the door. Oh, the door, oh, la, no, oh, la, oh, no, oh, door, oh, door. The seriousness is like, and now you're calling me stinky.

Is that it? Someone let him out of here. I don't need to be insulted on top of an insult. And Damon, like, Damon, like, burst through his door on just, poor Simon, and he's like, what are you playing at old man? He's like, I do, one, do your grace, if you're not getting enough sleep. There's a person. Are you mocking me? He's like, no, no, no.

I'm just kind of. wish you would stop having so many hallucinations during breakfasts. We have been able to enjoy a nice French toast in a while. So Damon at least knows now, like someone's fucking with him. You know, I mean, it's pretty obvious. It's that witch lady, but he's like, so are you fucking poisoning me? Who's poisoning me? Someone is poisoning me. Who's fucking with me? Who is it? And Simon's like, why would I do that? Like, you're the best thing that ever happened to that place. You're so cute. You have such a nice arms. Like, you're someone to, like, not eat my meat. You know how many people come here and all they want is my duck, you're the first person who has not been using me for my duck,

and it's actually refreshing. Hmm, who could be poisoning me? It could be, could it be the lady in the courtyard who summons an hour onto her arm for no apparent reason? Or maybe just the old man who's sitting there in the corner. I'm going to go with the old man. Definitely old man. Hmm, I wonder if it's a lady whose voice I hear whispering, kill yourself stupid, kill yourself stupid. And then whenever I turn around, it's her standing right behind.

No, surely she wouldn't do it. She's just a woman. It must be this big guy with breadcrumbs on his beard. Probably the man singing show tunes there in the corner. I think it's him. Try that man playing with a fidget spinner. You know, those are the most evil? Are we going to find out that Alice and Simon are the same person?

Like, what if Alice as a witch is taking on Simon's form all this time? Oh, God. I mean, that would be such a sad, like, imagine if you're a witch, you're like, I, shall take the form of something, an old theater queen. What about a dragon? You want to be a dragon? No, theater queen. I want to live the life of a theater queen. I want to sing, I want to sing candor and ebb when no one's looking. Please say that that doesn't happen. I can't handle it. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crappin's commercial.

So Now they So Simon's like What are you talking about? I'm too lazy to even Clean the roots out of the hallway That have grown through the floor You think I'm going to haunt somebody

And Damon's like Well you better watch your ass, haughty So he's like Stop staring at my butt while I walk away Well that part I am guilty of All right listen Guilty of one charge Does not mean guilty of all charges

So Damon He's walking over to go see his dragon Caraxes or whatever, Caraxes, Carassis. And then Alice is in the courtyard with that nice tree, that sort of spiritual tree. You know, the classic, classic fancy tree of Westeros, right? And so she's like, oh, you're going to bid me farewell. And he was like, well, there's something wrong with me. Someone poisoned me.

The food, the wine, or else it's a swamp. It's almost as if there's a witch here, a witch who will grind up blood and guts in front of me and make me drink them. And somehow that's poisonous. I don't know. just thinking out of that. I don't know who could be. She's like, well, maybe it's the ghost of hair in the black,

moaning his curses from Kingspire Tower. Listen, I'm not only a witch. I'm a sarcastic witch. And he's like, Drimble, there's Drill. Ghost, curses, blasted weird wood bed. I'm done with it. I'm done with all of it.

Who is poisoning me? And she's like, oh, gosh, when someone pleases you, all you do is run. Yeah, sometimes it's okay to run. I hate when people say that. Like, oh, look at you. every time you're not happy there you go again just giving up yeah so why would i say here it's called make an effort if you want me to stay someplace okay don't just assume that i'm going to out of some

fucking weird loyalty to you okay i may have five punches in on my subway card but if you two put too much fucking mayonnaise on my sandwich i'm gonna start going to to gogos well you know i think that um like look if you're having a conversation with someone and they challenge you and you just like leave the conversation and run away. It's like, that's, it's like, come on, like, stick with it. Stick to the hard times. If you're being poisoned at a castle and having hallucinations every single night, it's like, maybe look into a different hotel. Yeah, but this is also so narcissistic of somebody, right? Like, oh, my God, now you're going to run just because you're being poisoned and or brainwashed and or. And it rains on your bedroom every single day. God, what a loser.

Be strong. So she said, go ahead, run, runner. Just like you ran from Dragonstone to stepstones, pentos, Heron Hall, Dillard's that time, you couldn't afford that leather jacket you wanted when you were 13. It's like, well, I just wish I knew who was poisoning me. I wonder if it's, clearly it's not this woman who knows every single detail of my personal life. So she's like, there are older things in this world and you are I or living memory.

You are not the player, but a piece on the board. as am I for that matter it's like yeah I'm gonna run I'm still gonna run I don't want to stay here and it's like I'm nothing like you she's like actually we're both fairly creepy and hang out at this weird place for no real reason and you've got an anger that binds you

just like me and he's like okay well while we're talking about how similar I am Ray Ray never even wanted the crown why does she get the crown she didn't want it no she hasn't no I'm not supposed to be mad about it? Well, perhaps that's why your brother gave the crown to her. Perhaps those who strive for it are the least suited to wear it. Habern, you just got Alice. He's like, don't lecture me. She's like, I'm trying to explain to you what to pick me as. The Sarah's

never wanted it, if you recall. It came to him, and he did his best, and it's not a prize to be won, but a burden to bear, sort of like this dress I keep wearing every single day. God, I wish there was another outlet here. Dress Byrne would be nice. I'm just saying. Just a burling to We've got every other kind of barn. Why not one dress barn? Jesus Christ, we've got enough sheep. Yes, we used to have a marshals, but unfortunately your dragon landed on it a few days ago, so thanks for that. So he's like, well, if you have any counsel about dealing with the River Lords, that would be nice.

Like, oh, Jesus, you're asking for help? I said not to run, not to turn into a sniffling, crying little baby. He's like, counsel. I didn't ask for help. I asked for counsel. She's like, okay, little man. So house Tully is not the largest

house in the riverlands, nor is it the richest, but it's the most stable. And the Tully's wisdom has kept the river houses in line for centuries. They would kill each other to the last man

if it were not for their liege lord. It's like, oh, that dootard is of no use to us. Excuse you, but Grover Tully is the Lord Paramount. Without him, they'll never raise their banners as anyone.

So she's basically like, you got to be honest with us. Don't stay dotards anymore. Things have changed. Keep up. At least mind your tongue while you're here in Harenhall. And then she's like, he's basically like, she's like, you got to, the tullies are the way to bring the rivermen together. Because otherwise, they're just going to, they would rather fight amongst themselves than do anything productive.

He's like, well, it looks like I can, I can do nothing then because that old guy doesn't seem like he's going to die anytime soon. She's like, yeah, that's true. And then she lifts up her arm and an owl lands on it. And she's like, okay, well, in three days time, the winds will shift. I'm going to walk inside now with an owl for no good reason. I know, I like that. And it's so hard to work with birds because you can't do like a subtle thing where you're just like, oh, no bird landed on me. She's like, wait for it, wait for it.

And like shoves her arm up and she's like, now, now bird. Why's out there and grabs her? She's like, I'm wearing a very thick love. Nobody worry. All right. It's just not very graceful. But I did have to look up who Grover was. I was like, which once Grover told you again?

I had to look him up. Did you know that Grover's family? is named Elmo, Kermit, Grover, and something else, and George R.R. wrote that

for the Muppets. Isn't that crazy? That's real. That's true. What? I thought we froze and you hung up on me. Are you going to walk away

just because someone's poison in your mind with some truth? Oh, sounds like you've gotten some Alice Tully booze in your brain right now. Poisoned with these ridiculous stories of Grover and Kermit.

Wait, what do you say? And Elma. Almo as well. Yeah, it's the truth. Do you want me to read you the wiki? Because I'll do it. You're saying of the Tully family in this story, the brothers are all in them.

In this story, can you believe it? It feels like all the moments to have Muppet Winsie. Like, I don't know as the Tullies. I guess I just wouldn't expect it. Because he wrote for the Muppets at one point. Is that what we learned? He did? No.

I don't say that. I think, oh, I got that less Tulli in my brain now. she's like, Ben Mandelker, you will say these things on the podcast and you'll look like a fool and it'll all be worth it. No, Lord Grover is what I said.

Why are we talking about Tolly? Grover Tolly, yeah, Grover Tolly. Grover Tolly, yeah, Grover Tolly. Grover Tolly, where is it? Grover Tolly was among the Lord who swore allegiance to Ray Ray, Small Council, blah, blah, blah. Where's the fun facts? Where is the fun facts?

Muppets. Okay. Um, Grover's eldest great-grandson is the TV version is also now named Oscar instead of Kermit. And, um, yeah, that's the Muppets. I just proved it to myself. I can't believe that. That's not funny. Grover's name is a humorous reference to the Sesame Street character Grover, and so are the names of his grandson, Sir Elmo, and his great-grandson's Lord Kermit and Sir Oscar.

The latter is Grover's grandson in the show. By the end of Viseris' one's reign, Kermit was still just a young boy green as summer grass, and his younger brother, Oscar, was still greener. Guys, because they were both green on Sesame Street. Spoiler alert, for those of you who haven't watched Sesame Street yet, they're both green. And guess what?

Sesame Street is now on HBO. So now it all makes sense. HBO is like, listen, George R.R. We're going to need to inject some corporate synergy into your backstory here. So if you could work something like Sesame Street into your lore, That would be great for us. Thanks. Yeah, I know I was watching it the other day.

I was like, this is so cool to be able to watch this on HBO. And then Big Bird started making out with snuffle up, I guess. And I was like, this is so weird. The synergy goes both ways, and it's really strange when it happens on Sesame Street. It's really, it was weird when the count got burned to a crisp by a dragon. So speaking of which, now we're in track of stone and the dragon keepers, they're just chanting a ham. They've got their staffs. They're like,

Hon. La la la la. So they're all waiting. Love that song. It's so good. It's my next audition song. Yeah. So, yeah, they're singing.

And then, now this is the big audition, right? Big audition. Okay. Let's talk about this. You're auditioning? So you're fucking with a dragon. See,

Smoke's not in a great mood. Lost its writer. Mm-hmm. Not having the best day. If you want something from the dragon, Here's what you do. I don't know if any of you know who Caesar Milan is. He trains dogs really well.

Bring a treat. You know what I mean? Have a treat in your pocket. Don't come at it with sticks. Like, who the fuck does that? This big dragon lowers its head to them and they're all pointing sticks to it. Like, oh, yeah, you're a motherfucker with us? What if we stick you in your nose?

Have you seen what a dragon can do? What the fuck are your sticks supposed to do to do to the dragon? They're not going to do shit. I'll tell you that, stupid. Yeah, it's a strange choice. It's a strange way to do it. Also, like, if you're going to try to, like, win over a dragon, maybe smile. be like, have you ever dealt with a cat?

Like, if you go to a cat and you're, like, aggressive to a cat, the cat's going to go like, give you a little boop, boop, you know, it's going to pat, it's going to scratch you, you know? But the cat, you lay your hand, you put your hand down and you go, you can make those noises, you know, or all those noises, which is classic pet noise. You can do that for a dog too. You put the hand down, and then the cat comes over and sniffs and then, like,

loves on you. But if you come over to the cat looking all scared and crazy, the cat is going to scratch you on the face. And I just don't think that Stefan Darkling ever got this memo about how to deal with animals. They're not thinking about, like, these are not pet people and you don't deserve to ride a dragon. There's this dog in my neighborhood when I go walking in the morning that I go, hi, and it barks at me. So then I was like, you know what? I know how to deal with dogs.

So now I just ignore the dog. It looks at me and like it's going to bark, and I just kind of give it a look and, like, look away. Now, I guess what the dog did ran up to me today, wagging his tail. Because that's, you got to know how to do this shit. You can't just throw this poor guy in there and expect him to know how to do it. He does not know how to do it. The dragon acts like it's going to, it lowers its head. It acts like it's going to be fine with this guy.

And the dragon's just like being a total bitch at this point, because we all know that it's going to kill this guy. But the dragon puts his head down. It's like, oh, hello. And everyone's like, oh, my God, it's totally working. And even the guys with the sticks are still poking at the dragon. And the dragon's like, come here to me. Come here. Just kidding.

And it burns everybody to a fucking crisp. Yeah. Yeah, and like burns not only Stefan, but also like one of the dragon keepers too. So now they're down another staff member at this palace, which is not good. The dragon keeper did the thing where he got burned and then he was burning alive and just very calmly took his knife and slid his own throat. They just must know that's like part of the training. Like, look, this could happen. If it does, you just got to, it's better to slit your own throat than it is to deal with the flames.

The burning is much worse. So yes, you know, especially when Sir Stefan says, I've done it. It's like, oh, you've never watched TV before, have you, sir? You've got the last thing you should say before you step on to a dragon. Yeah, so Jace, who, by the way, we didn't even mention Jace, but he's been here the whole episode giving Squinty as like, I'm hot and squinty. I'm like, you go, Jase. You work that squint.

Love his squint. So then next up is Corliss. Dangtank, Dan, Thang, Tan, Dragonstone Shipyard. It's some Corliss in Secret Sun action. Yeah, so Corlis goes up to Allen, and he's like, I'm pleased with all progress. This ship will set sail in a few days' time, not secret son of mine. And he's like, okay, Dad. He's like, well, yeah, they're talking about the blockade.

They love talking about this blockade. They've been doing the blockade all season. It's like every last season it was all about, wasn't it a whole other, the triarchy was doing a blockade. Now this season we're doing a blockade, and by we, I mean them, Dragonstone people, but it's like we. And so they're talking about this, kind of having talk. about you know like how corlis is saying that he wants he wants Alan to be his first in command and Alan's like I don't want to I don't Alan does not want anything to do with Corliss he really does not like him and Corlis is like but this is I'm trying to do some nepotism I mean just

give you something for saving my life person I don't really know at all and Adam who's Alan's Adam's watching like why don't you fucking do this like hello we need a new TV get this Grab that bag. Yeah. And it seems like it's all going to be Adam being bitter about all of this stuff for this episode. So, which I was totally buying. I didn't see anything coming with this. So it's like, totally buy it.

So Corlis is like, you are going to work for me. You are going to get a raise and you're going to like it. Willow Smith. And Alan's like, okay. So then, by the way, Willow Smith is very talented, right? Yeah, she has a new album out that Dom absolutely loves. I was going to say, I think that's why it's in my head because Dom just told us, we were talking about nepotism with Dom and he's like, actually, Willow Smith's album is really good.

I was wondering where the Willow Smith's came from. And I'm like, wow, Willow Smith was really good. So tell Dom his Willow Smith review made it into this recap. You heard it here first. It's still in my mind. Willow Smith. Not enough to listen to it, but it is, I will always remember it. It's the first defense I've ever heard of Willow Smith. So now we go to a tavern in King's Landing and Diana comes to serve a bowl. Diana's the, she's the waitress.

She also, I think, made it, I think she made an appearance in season one, according to Chelsea, our note taker, who is very, she always peppers our notes with lots of Laura, which is really, really helpful. So she is, she serves a bowl to Ulf the White, who, when we last to Ulf, he was bragging that he was a Targaryen and like a half. brother or something like that. So he's like, ugh, this soup is a bit thin, isn't it? And she's like, yeah, well, it's either that or fish. What do you want? He's like, no, but there's nothing but fish in this damn city. Where am I?

Stockholm. Just kidding. Stockholm reference, anyone? Lots of fish there. So, yeah, they're complaining about there being no food. And then we see a very theatrical Sylvie, who's like, I can't stomach this. Can you believe it? Knowing all of these rich people

eating lamb, eating bag, eating to stony pizza rolls. While what do we have? Fish water. Fish water, while rich people are living like kings. And really raising a ruckus in there. And everyone's like, hey, wait a minute. She's right.

They have toadoni pizza rolls? That's just not going to land well with my family. And she's like, my work here is done. I've caused some discord with these two people sitting in this diner, and I shall now leave in my very subtle feathered hat. and high heels and Bordello dress. Goodbye. Goodbye, one.

Now that I've had my lunch of fish with the side of fish and I've caused some agitation, back to run in the brothel. Oh, by the way, Beninjuries, hot dogs, soft pretzels, just saying things on the rich people's menu. Have a good day. Sylvie out. Sylvie out.

So now back at Dragonstone. Ray Ray is walking through the hallway, and Bartamos is, Lord Bartamos is, Selthagar is behind her just bitching. He's like, I mean, I'm, I am far from a lone among your councillors. And holding this is very true, unfortunate. You know, by the way, we see-smoke is gone. He left. And by the way, Estoshafen, he was a belly night. Now we've lost him.

He died. It wasn't my choice. It was your choice. It's probably a stupid idea. I mean, we all knew he's going to die. I mean, no one even saw him before except for like one line last episode. We all knew he's going to die. This is your stupid fault.

Why would you even do this? Why are you even queen? you're a woman, you shouldn't even be in this position. So finally she just turns around and just slaps him, which is great. Slaps the fuck out of him. It was so nice to see that. And she just tells him,

it is my fault, I think that you have forgotten to fear me. And he's like, damn, ow. She's like, have you forgotten that you're actually watching a soap opera? Congratulations.

So then we go, sorry, we go to Ray Ray in her quarters, and she's picking up a sword and playing with it. Like, what if I had a sword? Me, a woman, a woman with a sword. What would that look like?

And Miss Arya comes in. She's like, hello, had woman with sword. I bet you don't realize this, but we have sexual attention. You won't know until later this episode when suddenly we kiss. She's like, don't worry. It was the right choice, no matter the outcome. And Ray Reyes also, you know, she's just, she's going through it, you know. She's like, uh, nothing's working.

And Missouri is like, well, there's good news to be had. The small folk of Kings Landing are listening. They were ready enough to hear. The usurpers have abandoned them. They're hungry. And they need someone to blame. And she's like, her God says, we'll send a couple of pizzas. Will that be enough?

And she's like, yes, well, we have laid the kindling only. And tonight we will light it. And then it will begin to flare. I sent my favorite gossip in, and she got two people mad. And before you know it, everyone's going to have toostony pizza. or rolls on their mind. Have we heard anything from... What's her name?

Linda. No, not yet, but don't worry. We'll be hearing from one next week. Commercials. Here comes one right now. So then we go to King's Landing. Oh, yeah. And there's like, there's a man handing out a fish.

Because, you know, fish is all the rage in Kings Landing these days. It's also the only thing they can be rageful about. and he gets he gets gets gets gets he sells the last fish and then uh hughammer's wife cat comes up she's like oh no have you haven't run out have you run out you ran out oh no please got to take anything give me scraps i've got a little girl who's coughing in the corner please and he's like sorry don't get it's all sold out you should have been here a little earlier and then just at that moment a whole bunch of sheep they have a bunch of sheep in cages that come through the streets and everyone's so mad because they're like fucking dragons eating the sheep what's for us where's our

meet. Yeah. So then we go to Ama and talking to Ironrod, still the best name on the show. Yes. Like the most flattering name. That's the only person I would play on the show. I'd be like, sorry, I'm only playing Iron Rod. So. And Iron Rod doesn't really do anything except sit there. He just sits there and smirks. Who needs to? Because forever on your resume, it says Ronnie, Iron Rod. I mean. And it's good. He never really puts his neck out there too much. So he's never really in trouble. He just sort of sits there. He's like a little But he just is like, look, it's better than being on the street. It's begging for fish. So Iron Rod's like, um, your grace to small folk would become restless.

He's like, so they're wearing maxi pads on their ear. So, sir, it's getting pretty crazy out there. And Laris is like, well, you know, people are hungry and the anger is rising. The enemy without, maybe fought with swords. But the enemy within is more insidious. It's like, okay. Oh, God. Fucking poetry choker.

all right you know what aren't they going for Ray Ray all right she's the one that ordered the gullet clothes and left them all to starve all right

listen no one blames the chef they blame the waiter trust me as someone who's waited tables for a very very long time they don't blame the fucking chicken with the disease they blame me

for giving them food poisoning okay so Laris is like well you know as long as just the two of us and I guess iron rod here because I don't know

where anyone else is maybe you might need I don't know a hand, just going to look at you and you can look back at me and wink if you want me to be your hand, because I'm kind of feeling it. Are you feeling it? Yeah, and Amos like, do I look fucking stupid? Do you stupid? And he's like, no, on the contrary, I don't think you're stupid. I think that you could use applause, otherwise known as a hand. A hand? Should I that? To a subtlety. The subtlety that I'm giving you, it's like,

shut up. Listen, I have little patience for self-important, Lord Veras, and even less for flatterers and licksbittles. You got that? A little fucking lick spittle. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. Iron, Ron's like, are you talking about me? No, just sit there the way you normally do and be quiet. And Laris is like, so Ehrman's like, you know, but you are correct.

And every king needs a hand. And therefore, I'll make it your responsibility. Oh, you honour me, my prince. You honour me. I can't believe you're asking me to be your hand. You specifically said, Laris, be my hand. Well, I will. I accept.

I accept. no not to serve as hand you toad to fetch the hat when he called him a toad you toad fetch the fetch the hand

send word to bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum how could I live without you it's like a love island announcement of who's about to win I want to know

Sir Otto High Tower you have been brought back to the island My God, can Otto High Tower just catch a fucking break? You guys have fired this guy and rehired this guy so many times. Let the man go. Just let him go. A new bomb show enters the villa.

So then Orwell comes in. It's Otto High Tower and a push up bra. He's like, I'm back, bitches. My name's Otto. I'm 23. I'm a part-time model and I'm looking for love. I would call myself funny, quiet, and calculating. and I'm looking for someone who just wants to settle down

and just has a good personality. I've been sent home a few times, but here's what I know about myself. I've got Riz, and I'm ready to close it off with the right king. Hello, King's landing. Who is that? It's a new balm show. New balm show is watching here.

He's sexy, innie. I'm going to sit there. So, um, So Orwell walked in. Speaking of bombshells, here comes Orwell. By the way, Orwhile, I feel like Orwhile is the sort of person that you would go up to at a party and say, I'm so obsessed with Love Island USA. And he goes, is that a TV show? It's like, yeah.

It's like the number one show in America right now. No, I don't actually have a TV. I just read. It's like, you know, be quite a while. I'm not trapped in a conversation. I'm a doctor or I'm. I'm reading about how to heal people. Now, just the other day, if you ever heard of a Rubik's Cube, you have, all right.

So if you've seen someone with a cough ever, open the mouth really wild and shove the Rubik's Cube down, then start trying to solve the puzzle with the Rubik's Cube in their throat. That occasionally works. We had a real big medical breakthrough, which is that if someone comes in and they've been punctured with a sword, what you do is you take some grass and just sort of pat it on the wound and it works pretty well. I mean, a lot of times they die, but. Sometimes they don't die, and that's pretty big for us.

That's medicine, baby. All right, now I'm happy to report that his grace, the king, has regained consciousness this morning, if only for a few moments. I know that you're going to be so excited. He's stronger than I thought. This morning, his breath comes easier. Not great breath. All right, not going to say it's great breath, but it was breath. He may yet live.

Thank the gods. Am I right, Laura Dern? Laura Dern's like, oh, what happy news. I'm going to go kill that little fucker right now. Where is he? Let me at him. I'm going to interpret the silence and the scowling and the gnashing of teeth as your expressions of joy. So anyway, you're welcome.

Looks like the leaves have actually worked. So, you know, I guess I've really proved my medical prowess here. So if anyone wants to thank me, that would be great too. No. Okay. So Amund goes to Egon's room. And Egonne, poor guy, is like burnt. You know, he's still like, he's still there like a piece of bacon, just burnt, spayed out.

and he gets his little talking ball and he shoves it in his chest. He's like, listen to me, little motherfucker. What do you remember about there? Do you remember me trying to murder you or not? He's like, I don't remember anything. He's like, oh, really? Well, you challenged Mely's.

It was very foolish. And then you got burned. He got shoved to the ground. It had nothing to do with me. Do you understand you? You little fuck, I'll fucking kill you again. I'll kill you with his hands right again. Hold on.

Wait for a devastating stare. Dead yet? Damn, is he's still alive? I was like, just get a pillow and suffocate him. What are you doing with, dude? One last thing. Do you remember how big my penis was? It was very large.

It was the largest penis ever saw. Very good. I should leave you to rest. Who's got three octaves? Who's got three octaves? Do you sing now? I've got three octas. I do.

You do? Thank you. Big cocked pavrotti. Big cocked pavrotti. Pavarotti? Pavarati? Pavrotti? What's the opera singer?

Damn it. The traitors has ruined my life. It's Barbarot. It's Pavrati now. It is Pavrati. I relent. It's poverty. So over at the year,

Rain is walking through a field, talking to... Oh, but Orwell comes in and almost catches him. And he's like, oh, whirbs, you're in very capable hands. I just heard that Oval actually solved a horse's pneumonia

by hitting it on the face with a chicken and then turning it around in a circle and pushing it into a swimming pool. So you're in great hands. All right. All right. Orwell, go ahead. hashtag modern medicine, am I right?

So, BCBS, am I right? All right, good luck you two. Orbel's like, oh, by the way, Eamon, I'm glad I caught you. It's time for your smallpox vaccine. Excuse me? Oh, Wary and I take a piece of bark and put it on your forehead.

Oh, okay, I'll take that. You have to do this once a year, I'm afraid. Okay, so now Raina is walking through a field with Joffrey, little baby Joffrey, not evil Joffrey from modern times. And she's like, oh gosh, look at us, just having a walk. Isn't this so fun? It's like, do you want to play? She's like, no, you stupid little fuck, I don't want to play. It's horrible. I'm not goddamn babysitter. I have bigger things to do. A bigger dragons to fly. Nobody trust me with anything. And then they stop, and they're in a burnt field. There's crisp. crisp sheep everywhere.

And she's like, uh-oh, there's a dragon here. Don, don't, don. Joffrey's like, I want mother. Which is the second time we hear mother said in super British accent. Because earlier we heard Amy go, mother. And now we hit, I want mother. And as we all know, mother is one of the best words to hear in an English accent coming from children or impetulant young adults. So then we go to, now we go to Raina's quarters at the area.

And Jane comes in. She's like, I bring good news. Reina, you're going to leave me and I'll never have to see your fucking face ever again. Prince Reggio has answered your letter and he'll be most happy to bring you to Pantos. So don't let the door hit you in the ass. It's like, you lied to me. You said that there weren't dragons here. Well, obviously, there's a big dragon here. It's not only in my board. Now I'm terrified for my life.

I'm terrified of dying and bored. Oh, well, there is a dragon. By the way, has anybody noticed that my name is Jane Aaron? Jane Eyre? It's like Jane Eyre. How did the other people get the Muppets? and I got fucking Jane Eyre. Anyway, we're going to send you off on a ship called the Gay Abandon, which I think was named after my uncle, or your uncle, I should say.

So the streets say. Anyway, it's going to take you to Pentos, and I'll send six good men to protect you on the crossing. Hopefully our uncle would not be there to see that because then you never know what will happen. Wait a minute. Are you saying that they're in the magazine filled with Cues shots? No, that's Pentanyl.

house. Well, I just don't know to trust a name anymore on this show, all right? Literally can't trust anything. It's like George R.R.R. just named things off of random things. I mean, look at that's so water bottle over there. You know, am I even supposed to trust that that's a real name? Anyhow, I must go back to my dear friend Norm and Cliff and Woody. I'll talk to you all later. Fred Barney, we're leaving. So now we go back to the, to now we go back to the, to, now we're going to. with Adam and Alan and they're at home and Adam is really mad he's like uh by the way why are you trying to shave off your blonde hair everyone knows that your lord Corliss's son you can stop with this

ridiculousness yeah so does everybody know this do they know this does he know this does he know and that's why he's shaving his head so close to the scalp every single time does he know and he's just ignoring it that's what they're telling us in this scene yeah at least it like it's like I mean, I'm dumb. I don't know how widely known this is, but like, people seem to know things on this show. So I think everyone probably knows. Oh, because I thought nobody knew, but now it looks like, oh, so he knows. And he's just keeping it to himself.

That's why he's resentful. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I didn't pick up on any of that. I don't know. I don't know who knows what, but it's clear that Adam, I mean, Alan knows that he's Corliss's son. And he's trying to deny this. He's like, he's just, he's like, no, I don't want, I don't want any acknowledgement of this. He's like, he doesn't want, he doesn't want people to know because he's afraid that he'll lose authority with his men.

And Adam's like, but we could be rich. Rich is hell. And he's like, well, we spent the whole of our lives in the shadow of the sea snakes, great castle. I do not wish to dwell in it any longer. And he's like, oh, really? Well, great. You know, your opportunity. Now you're just going to ignore it.

Fun for us. Thanks a lot, Dick. And then Alan's like, well, the sea snake would sooner have high tide claimed by the sea than call us his sons. So stop wasting your life on something that will never come. So yeah, they know, right? I guess so. Alan's kind of like, listen, I'm the star of this storyline.

I'm getting more scenes. I'm the son of Coralus. So stop your complaining because I clearly am about to have something really cool happen to me. So, okay, just like chill out. And it's definitely going to happen to me, Alan, and not to you, Adam. Yeah, nothing's going to happen for Adam, okay? All cleared that up.

Adam just comes in once in a while, like really, like two episodes. Nothing cool is going to happen with Adam. So just have faith that I'm taking care of me right now, Alan, because I am the star of the storyline. All right. I've got to put my own oxygen mask on first. Okay? I get out of here, you crazy kid. So then we go back to Dragonstone, and Ray Nira is staring at the sea with Jace, who's also staring at the sea.

but it's harder for him because he's squinting while he does it. He's like, they love staring at that sea. It's just their favorite thing. It's like, hold on. Hold on. It's almost 8 o'clock. My favorite show is coming on. It's called The Sea.

Oh, hold on. I just have to finish my 7 o'clock show, which is also called The Sea. And then later tonight, we're going to have dinner before the 9 p.m. showing of the sea. Just wondering. So he's like, well, you tried it. You tried it, mother. But, you know, that man got burnt to a crisp. It doesn't mean it's your fault.

You know what I mean? But everyone did hear that you slap that old man. They like that. They're turning that around the house. And she's like, oh, well, he's lucky I did not have his tongue. Oh, I'm just so tired of being protected. It sucks I can't even go murder anybody. What's the point of having a giant murdering machine if I can't murder anybody, you know?

No one trusts me as a ruler. It's like I have to, you know, authority is not jewels and gowns, but shields and sword. He's like, well, you're a ruler to me, mum. you know, I don't wish it otherwise. Will you lead us to war yourself? She's like, well, I can't, I can't stay here. Okay. I can't stay here waiting around, and yet that's all I have to do.

She's like, I'm just doing everything I can. And I don't know. And she says that she sent someone to Rook's rest and everything. But just sort of just like, we've done this. We've done that. We've done that. We're still going to lose. And he's like, well, maybe Damon will come back.

She's like, oh, Damon, Damon, Damon, Damon. I love that they actually gave her a Brady bunch moment in this. Lots of pop culture woven into this. So then the guard shows up as like, your grace, the lady Mizarria, who for the first time ever requires to be announced. So Mazar is like, my queen, our gift is sand. And Jason's like, what gift? Oh, we sent in edible arrangements to King's Landing and think of my, and deal ourselves to them. She's like, let's hope for clouds over the blackwater tonight.

He's like, what does that mean? She's like rhymes with flaminos. Dominoes? Are you sending them dominoes to play games to start? Charming. The pizza, darling. We had a gift code. Okay, two for one.

Mm-hmm. They get to free lava cake. I thought that we've sent them. The cheese and the cross. You know how they do that? Like, you bite the cross and there's cheese in there. It's almost like a bonus pizza around the edge of the pizza. It's lovely.

They're going to love it. They'll love it. So then we go to Kings Landing and there's a guy fishing. It's like a depressing fishing day. And then he notices a boat and it's got some apples on it. He's like, um, fuck, yeah. And I guess a bunch of more boats show up later that we don't really see. I think the budget just only allowed for this small boat because it wasn't that much.

Did we see a binger boat? Well, he looks up into the ocean and he sees tons of boats in the ocean coming to the city. I'm so blind. I didn't even see that. I was like, who's that apple supposed to feed? Jesus Christ. Is Jesus Christ going to come down and make this like 20 apples? Because that's not enough apples.

No, there were like a million of these boats. It was like, that was like the first boat of many. And it was like this deluge. food. So meanwhile, Alice, it's like my house when they started allowing double dashing. So Allison's sitting there watching,

like just watching Agon. And she's, because she's got nothing to do now. She's like really not allowed anywhere. So she's just, she's like, um, Orwell, I thought you said he was getting better and all he's doing is sleeping. And Orbel's like, yeah, have you ever been burned? That's what you do. You sleep until

you're better. So he's going to sleep a lot. this a little long time. Yeah, dummy. And so she was like, what about the letters to my dad? Have we heard anything? He's like, no. Sorry, he's probably in a strip club somewhere. Where do you think Auto is? It doesn't seem like Otto to just not be writing back. I don't know, but I like the idea of Orwell being like, yeah, I'm sorry. I haven't checked up on those letters. I've been too busy trying to hail your son, also known as Our King. But yeah, I'll check on those letters for you. Yeah. Thanks for sending me to the post office in the middle of surgery. I was in the middle of smacking him on the liver with a broom. But okay,

I guess that's not important. I know. I guess these maple leaves are just going to apply themselves. So basically, I don't know what, I don't, I have no idea what Otto's deal is. This feels strange that he's being quiet. Like, we haven't seen anything. I've been wondering where he has been. Has he defected? Is he a double agent now? Like, what's going on with Otto? I don't know. So then we go to Allison walking through her favorite place to have her illicit affair, the court, the public courtyard where everybody hangs out.

So she goes there to like have a private talk with what's his buns? Crispy. Chris, they call him Crispy on. Who now, by the way, his Caesar Cut has grown out. So now it's just like a weird kind of lumpy shell on his head. I'm glad that was a phase. I don't think he's out of the phase. I think he just has another haircut. And now it's just, he needs a haircut. If you're going to do the

Caesar cut, like do the Caesar cut. Yeah. So she sees him and she's going to go walk towards him, but her brother is there instead. And he's like, oh, really? You're going to go fuck the fucker. Go on. Do it right in the courtyard. She's like, oh, it's you. I totally came out to see you. I just, wow, how you been? How you been? How's everything going? He's like, we don't talk. She's like, we can talk now. What do you feel about things? What was it like growing up alone and dad choosing me over you? And you just like being stuck out there. He's like, quite. Wow, you really don't want to talk about fucking that guy, do you? All right, sad. I've got feelings. Very sad, sad, Phoenix. Men feel. And she's like, oh, by the way, how is my son?

What's his name? I know I have another son, don't I? Is his name Derek? Is it Aaron? Is it Jaron? Darren? Your son, Darren. He's fine.

He's 10 and 6 now, which is my fancy way of saying 16. You know, I don't think he really likes to write letters these days anymore. He likes to do things like, I don't know, spend time with people who love him, not to ignore him, like his mother. He's dating a lovely girl named Samantha. They have a nosy neighbor that's always poking a head over the fence trying to find things out. She's got a little bit magic and another girlfriend does, you know. Bit bewitched over there. She's like, damn it.

All right, well, does he ever talk about me? No, he doesn't talk about you. He doesn't know you, right? He doesn't know you. She's like, dang it. He's as adeptive with his loot as he is with his sword. She's like, oh my God, I've always wanted to have a gay son. And I'm so mad I don't get to hang out with him.

So he's like, he's actually a good person. She goes, oh, that's nice. And he goes, probably because she's not raised in a castle. And she's like, do you think it's that? Do you think it's being raised out there with a clean water? Do you think it's the mother that turned all these children bad? And he's like, uh, you did your best. It's like you did your best.

And by your best, I mean, not really a whole lot of anything. But, you know, they're blonde. So you've got that going for you. I think you did a great job showing why parents should create parameters for their children. Okay. What's the example of what is it lead by example, but in reverse? What is it when you are the example that people should not follow? That's what you are.

And that's a great service. All right. Let me put this in the terms of the great philosopher. Bernie Mac. America, beat your children. What is America? So, Gwynne heads off. Oh, it's a character. It's the person who runs the rook.

Also, don't you remember her? She wore the glasses and she was ugly, then she took them off and was suddenly not ugly anymore. I loved her monologue and Barbie. We were watching that in the castle, eating lots of decadent foods like sheep. and twizzlers and such and not fish. So then we go, then she goes inside. She's like, you know, Alison's like feeling like she failed as a mother. So she's like, well, let me check into my daughter.

I think she did pretty well. I mean, she married her brother, but that's fine. So what's Helena up to? Surely something normal and not strange. So we get our five seconds of Helena screen time for the weekend, or for the week. And I guess it was a weekend. Wow. Stumbled onto some truth there.

Everybody, watch out. So Helena is looking at crickets or birds. I thought they were crickets. But she's looking at them and she goes, This one stopped singing. Isn't that strange? Well, so what does that mean? Because everything she says is some psychic shit.

So somebody's going to die and stopped their singing. But who is the singer? Yeah, and I don't think we, yeah, the singer. Well, they did just say that Allison's son, Darren, is good. the loot, which indicates that he likes to sing. Right. That's what I thought, but they're already going to kill Darren? He hasn't even gotten on the show yet. How are they going to kill his ass already? Why do you kill Darren if he's all the way to faraway city?

I know. They've tried building Darren up to bring on a new character. It's like days of our lives. They're like, we've run out of children. Just have one and have him grow up in two weeks, you know. Is there? So I can't imagine that they're already going to kill him, but I guess maybe they are. Is the singing less literal than that? Is there someone who, is that? I don't know, because they literally just said he's good at the loot five seconds ago. And this show is pretty on the nose with stuff. Like, they don't put up a lot of building, like, what do you call it, foreshattering. They don't do a lot of foreshattering.

They, like, foreshadow it in the beginning of the episode. And it happens by the end of the episode, you know what I mean? And you're right. It's very literal. Like, the last prophecy she had was, I'm afraid of the rats. And then a rat catcher, you know, the rat catcher situation. And then there was the other one last season, which was like, I'm worried. out something coming up through the floorboards and then, you know,

literally came up through the floorboards. So it's probably, that's probably Darren, the lootists. Yeah. Okay. So now, the second best name, Hugh Hammer.

Yeah. All right. If you're not going to let me be Iron Rod, I want to be Hugh Hammer because that's hot. Yeah. No relation to AJ. AJ Hammer. So he is,

he's walking. he's walking with his big blonde hair, which by the way, I feel like that's got to be a sign of something. And he pets a street dog, which I believe is the street dog that belonged to the rat catcher because they keep on showing that dog ever since the rat catcher. Yeah, that dog is so cute. And it gets so much screen time because it's just so adorable. It's the only dog in Kings Landing, maybe because all the other dogs have been eaten at this point. So then all of a sudden the small folk just are running because of course small folk. That's what they do.

Let's be honest. They're running because they found. They found food, found food. People are running with Pop-Tarts and shit. And he's like, where'd you get that Pop-Tart? Give it to me? And he beat somebody over the head and steals their Pop-Tart from them. She's pretty rude, by the way. And, yeah, they're all excited.

They all have this food, and they're all being wild. And he's got like a cabbage. So, you know, they're all like, oh, my God, I came from Renewish. I like that he's still thinking about health. He's like, listen, this skin does not come just easily, okay? I've got to have a gallon of water and some cabbage. So the small folk are up in arms, but they are really liking Ray, right now. And then meanwhile, over at the Grand Sept, you know, Alison, because Allison had gone to Helena,

and was like, I was thinking we could light a candle, which is like, that's like basically like Girls' Day, you know, like that's the equivalent of getting your nails done. I know. Let's light a camera. You're speaking to me, Mother. Yes, we can light a candle. I've lost my job. So, you know, I thought, what better thing to do?

Mourn. Let's just mourn people. We don't really have anything to do. We don't actually have a seaside view so we can't stand and look at the sea. So it's just either stare at the bones on your brother slash husband's body or light a candles. I don't know what you want to do. Unfortunately, the sea's not playing here. So I suppose we're just going to mourn things. So they go to the church and they start lighting candles and stuff.

and then someone comes in Rickard comes in and he's like we must leave we must leave now and so they start running like hell

because the small folk have gone crazy you give these people one pop tart and now look at them go they're like ripping each other limb from limb and chasing them down

because they found out that they've been starving when Rainier has all this food so they're going to kill these fuckers now also whatever happened to shelter in place you have a mob

outside and you're in a giant you're in the big basement of a giant cathedral that's armed by guards. Why are you say, oh, no, there's a mob. Let's go out to the mob so we can go from this safe place to a different safe place. That is exactly right. The tactical moves here are not very smart.

Yeah, not a lot of like, you know, this is why they need auto. You know, they need some brains running the operations here. Yeah. So someone sees the queen running and they're like, oh, look, it's the queen of fishes. And they throw a fish at her head. I think it was a fish. I think it was a fish. I like a very literal.

I love, I love, like, prop comedy when it comes to insulting your royals. Like, queen of fish. Queen of cabbage. Here's a fish in your face. Throw a cabbage at her. So they're running,

and then they, it looks like they get attacked, right? Yeah, they get like, you damn you! And they get them cornered and starts attacking them. And then a guard cuts off a man's arm because, you know,

they're all going. And she was like, see, this is a soul. is don't kill the small folk. Don't kill the small folk. But the crowd's small folk are like, we're going to kill you, dummy.

There are a lot more fish where this one came from. You better get running or prepare to have a lot of fish guts on your face. So they wind up getting into like a carriage and then they ride through the streets and back into safety. I mean, Helena's had a real tough go of it when she goes outside. She already hates the small folk. Like if anyone hates the small folk, it's Helena. The way she looks at them is just like pure disgust and fear. well yeah because they're always like screaming in her face and shit like i just lost my kid you're screaming

on my face now uh you know i didn't give you a pop tart you're screaming in my face can i do one fucking thing right can people just leave me alone so then uh we go back to agon's bedside and then you know the lady's about to give agon his medicine but laris is like mm not so much wait you'll give it an hour so then laris says agon of course is like i want the medicine but laris says down he's like no you're about to you're about to get a Laris monologue. I'm going to cry and then turn into rage. Yeah, so he withholds the poppy shit and he's like,

take heart your grace. You've already ridden yourself into legend by surviving Dragonfire. But you'll never walk again, stupid. And guess what? I know, because I was born with the twisted foot. Well, guess what? Your foot's even twistier and turnier,

and you're ugly to boot. At least I'm still kind of hot. So I hope you have fun jerking off to bare feet because that's what your life is going to be. So if you ever want a circle jerk, well, sorry. There's just two of us in this town, but we can have a rectangle jerk. I'll jerk you and you jerk me. And good thing to know is there's someone else at the foot table. Me and you, we can now be friends and I can speak openly with you as people with fucked up feet can do with each other.

So it's me and you together forever, my fucked up foot brother. Now, plan on giving me a job when you get you. back. I'll bet you do because your foot's fucked up. I was like, wow, this guy's getting pretty bold just because the other guy got a fucked up foot. I mean, geez, your tongue has gotten pretty loose there, Lair. I know. Although it's interesting when he said that when he was born, that his foot was messed up and his dad said it was sorcery. Do we think Alice did some sorcery to Laris's foot, like as revenge for something? Oh, yeah. I don't know why I didn't think of that, because obviously she's over there. And she's probably like doing a lot of sorcery.

You know, she's a hundred years old. She's a witch. And he's like, yeah, well, she, he accused a member of our household of casting maligned spells. And I was like, whoa, at first I thought witch hunt. I thought, oh, and they probably killed whatever poor servant, you know, it was. But now that you said that, yeah, I guess it's her. By the way, they have an ongoing issue with sorcery happening at Haron Hall. Why are they not getting rid of the one person who was so obviously a witch?

Like, I mean, she literally had an owl come to her hand for no reason just to show off. That is the wichiest move you could pull. And they're like, I wonder who could be doing this? Who in this household is giving people hallucinations and causing babies to be born with a twisted foot? I don't know. I know. Hey, Alice, it's dinner. Will you be having anything to drink?

I will have mouse boulin mixed with bee pollen, mixed with toenails from a baby. Hmm, sounds delicious. Can I try? No, it's only for me. Anyway, back to our figuring out who here is a witch. I have no needs. Guys, back to the witch discussion. Wait, before we do that, Alice, do you have a toast that you'd like to give?

Sure. All right, good one now. Good one now. All right, so let's just get back. There's anybody seen any broomsticks being ridden in? Alice, are you sure you don't want a chair? No, this broomstick is fine. I'm happy with the broomstick.

All right. Well, Alice, are you bringing friends tonight? Yes, I've brought Kathy Nijimi, Bet Midler, and Sarah Jessica Parker. And will you be serving them that soup you're making in a cauldron? Boils, boils and troubles. Am I right, guys? You silly girl. Okay, so...

Speaking of which, we go back down... And Gons like, oh, my God, no, no. So this actually is supposed to be nice, I think, from Laris. Leris is like, all right, listen here. I was going to give you time to heal. But we don't have much time because your brother's taken over. And Laura Dern does not waste two fucking seconds of her life, okay? You need to get back out there because we're both fucked.

And now that we both have fucked up feet, we're going to fight this bitch together. You got it? Stop your fucking crying, okay? See you out there, buddy. It's like, if you got time to lean, you got time to clean. Well, actually, you probably should lean a little bit more. And then we'll clean. You got time to drool.

You got time to rule, brother, all right? So speaking of witches and Harenhall, we go back there and Damon is having a vision. And he's having another hallucination. But this time it's a nice one as well because Viseras is mourning, I think his wife. And Damon's like, you know, consoling him and Vassarce is sobbing. And all the hallucinations so far have been Damon. confronting awful things and being like boo and angry at them, but now he's actually being lovely and he's tending and he's like, I'm sorry, brother, you needed me, I'm here now, I'm here now.

So I think this is supposed to suggest that the inner storms that that Damon has been working through while he's been here at Haranol trying to confront his past, it's like he's finally gone from pushing back against the terrible deeds in his life to understanding and now being present for those who need him. I don't know. That's what it seems like they're trying to convey with these ridiculous and super annoying hallucination scenes. Well, then he snaps out of it, and he's at the dinner table again.

So that's another reason. I'm like, it's poison, right? Because I feel like he's always at dinner. Or he's like 90% of the time. He never wakes up in bed. It's always in a very public place, which is mortifying. So Simon's like, he's awful news from River on My King.

Lord Grover is dead. and we received the news from his liege Miss Piggy and Damon's like Oh, the old man died Finally, like yes indeed, young Oscar Toller Now Lord Paramount of the Riverlands And there are more trash cans than ever before apparently Yeah, Riverans maesters have been at their wits end

And your own healer Alice Rivers volunteered her renowned skills She tried a craft but you know There wasn't much to be done for Old Grove You know, Alice, so helpful. She cooked his eyeballs and then let them chill before throwing them into a slurpy. Wasn't weird at all. Wouldn't let anyone else sip it, though. Then she flew away.

So odd, a lady. She actually turned into an hour and landed on her own self. It was strange. Somehow, this did not help Grover at all. In fact, it seemed like he died faster than before. I don't know. Anyway, we still love her. is still welcome here anytime.

So now Adam, who is the brother who's never going to get anything. What's the other one? What's the other guy's name? Adam and Alan, right. Adam and Alan, right. So he's out. Adam's spelled with the Adams family. I'd like to point out.

Feels like they're cooking pop culture. Oh, yeah. Maybe. Oh, and also there's a character on here named the hand. And I'm sure there's going to be a cousin in at some point. point. We're keeping an eye on all the Easter eggs. Sorry, that took me a minute.

I was like, who cares how he spells his name? And then I got it later. So then, okay, he's fish. He's trying to fish. And then, boom, there's a dragon there, flying over, torturing everybody, just flying down, doing drive-by, is, like, kind of nudging him. And he starts running like hell to get away from this thing. But he finally falls.

And then the dragon lands right in front of him. And then just puts his face in him. And we're like, oh my gosh. So the dragon chose him? Now, what did this? What happened? How did this happen? The dragon just was like, you know what?

If you guys want me to ride somebody, I'm going to find my own rider. You don't get to just bring rando people to audition. I'm not a fucking piece of meat. I'm going to go find my own. Bye. My interpretation was the dragon was hungry and like came over to eat someone. And, you know, Adam was separated from the group. He didn't get inside.

And so the dragon came in to eat him. but as the dragon approached, Adam had like a look of tranquility on his face. Like he wasn't like afraid. And Adam is also Corlis's son, which I didn't realize. I thought that like, for some reason I thought like maybe they shared the same mom, but maybe not the same dad. But it seems like Adam is also Corlis's son, even though he doesn't have the blonde hair.

So they, like, Adam sort of like looks at Seas Smoke with like a tranquility and an awe. like he sees sees smoke's scared well he's scared at first but if you look at his face his face sort of changes and it's almost like he goes from fear to seeing something like uh innate and special about see smoke and so i think then see smoke senses that because that's not what what what's his face did who died earlier and darklin and so i think that my interpretation is that see smoke chooses not to kill this person, but instead say... Okay, so you think that he was just going to eat him, but then he was like, oh, you could be my writer.

You seem cool instead of him coming into town. Like, I'm going to find a writer and this is him. I'm going to corner him again. I sniff, a royal person. Well, that makes more sense. Yeah. Yeah, I think that makes more sense. Okay, so then we go to Ray Ray's quarters,

and Ms. Ari and Ray Ray are having another... La-na-manana scene. And basically, Ray-ray is like, oh, God, can't win this war everything's going wrong everybody sucks everything i have sucks everybody's dead damon hates me i'm gonna lose i'm just a big pile of fucking lose okay and so then miseria then tells her story she's like it was my father it was still a child and she talks to tells a story about her father sexually abused her and then eventually got the cut on her throat because ray ray had asked her earlier where did you get that cut on your throat and she wouldn't tell her right and so

why are there bubbles popping up on my picture now was that something i just did i don't see Playing with my waddle brought bubbles up on the video screen. I don't see. Yeah. I don't see any. Yeah. They were there. No, I'm trying to repeat it.

But I was just playing with my waddle, you guys. You made a gesture that somehow. Yeah, it triggered something on the screen. That happens to me all the time. It's funny. I'll be FaceTime and I do something with my hand and balloons just like flutter up. And I'm like, where do those balloons come from? So, um,

Nizario talks about how basically her dad impregnated her. And then, like, I guess in the, to end, the pregnancy, there was, like, he did something that was like, that now she cannot bear children. And she was left her dead, but she lived, and now she doesn't trust anyone. And that's how, that's how, that oath has, has done well for her. And, you know, she's, there are few who she finds to be steadfast, but she finds Ray Ray Ray to be steadfast. And because of that, she will serve Ray Ray Ray, because she believes that Ray Ray is meant to be queen. And in that moment, Ray is so touched, she's like, finally, like, I think, as I'm one, I'm one, I'm one,

watching it. I'm thinking, okay, it's like a moment of like someone who gets her, someone who understands the difficulty of dealing with all these awful men. And in that moment, she's not, it doesn't have to be queen. She just has like a really good female friend and they hug. And then because, you know, it has to be, they start to make out. Yeah, they start making out. Yeah, I didn't see it. I didn't see that coming either, but there they go. And so they're making out and not a ton of chemistry. Not going to lie. It's weird. And then. And then, yeah, and then someone comes in and they break apart, you know, and they learn about Seasmoke, who has been flying all over Spicetown, which I love, I just love that name.

I know. Seasmokes loose in Spice Town, guys. Spice Town! Seasmoke, you little devil. God, you know, I mean, I love the idea that there's a town that's just dedicated to the Spice Girls, you know, it's just like a walk-in fan experience. It's really just a promotional activation. You go, you take a picture.

out, you know. If you want to be my love, so then she's like, why? Why is he just flying around alone like that? That's crazy. And he's like, oh, nope, he's got a rider. And they're like, what? And they're like, we can't see who it is,

but they're worried it's the Greens. And Ray Ray is like, well, who else could it be? Should I summon a council? Don, don, don't. And Ray, Ray's like, no. And she goes, the dragon cave, walks past the old, ashes of Darklin, gets on to Syrac, takes off to find out. What the hell is going on with Seas Smoke?

Who's riding Seas Smoke? So then basically we find out all the Dragon Rider. I mean, we're pretty, we pretty much know now, right? So it's going to be Raina, is going to get the Wild Dragon out in the middle of nowhere. We hope. And then this guy, Adam, has Seas Smoke, and then Alan will get one, probably. and then who's left? That leaves one dragon left, right?

Or is that all, are there only three? Not Luke. There's one more. Jace has a dragon. Right, but aren't there three unclaimed? Because there's the wild one. Right. And then there's, didn't she say there were two more that are unclaimed plus C-Smoke?

So that would be four. Oh, the guy who's like, oh, my parent, I'm really famous. What's that guy's name? Yeah, he's going to clearly be a dragon rider. So then we have four new dragonrider. coming up everybody. What? I'm talking about these bombshells entering the villa.

Well, yes. It's good. I think this season's so much better than last season, and I'm excited to see where it goes in the final two episodes. I'm like, how do all these characters? How did Alan and Adam, how do they all figure into this mess that's happening? What's going on with Elinda? Like, we see a flash of her in the previews for next week in like a red riding hood.

So we shall find out only two episodes left. So everyone, thanks so much for being here and listening. and don't forget if you just only want our Game of Thrones and House the Dragons content subscribe to Winter is Crappening on your podcast application and we will catch you on the next one.

Bye. Bye everybody.