Watch What Crappens - #250: Inbred Branded Not Pregnant Donkeys

Episode Date: December 18, 2015

Time Codes: Opening and Crappens Mailbag: Kim Comparisons, Richard Blaise’s stupid hair, Yolanda’s horse allowance. 36:15 RHOBH: Midget pregnant donkey, new ho, Taylor Armstrong causes dramz. 1:38: Work Out: Fame hungry morons with butterface say “brand” a lot. 2:00: Real Housewives of Cheshire: Frozen eggs are compared to Tombstone Pizza and Magali makes a lot of sound effects. ******* Real Housewives of Beverly Hills introduced its new plastic haired rubber face this week, and we celebrate the crappening with glee. Personal trainers proved they can be as douchey as any other fame hungry idiot with Instagram, and the Real Housewives of Cheshire have a fight, but not even they know what the hell it was about. Plus, Crappens Mailbag! We made Kim comparisons, pondered Richard Blaise’s power, and tried to figure out Yolanda’s horse allowance. ****** Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors, Marvin Jay and Christy Doherty. We love you. I just wanted to warn you guys that you're about to hear a lot of my smoker, vapey cough.

Sorry, working on it. Have fun. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo, y'all. Have fun. of the B-Side blog and the Banta Blenda. Hi, Ben. Hello, hello, hello. I am new puzzle owning, but it's not a puzzle. It's just a dice rolling board game. Oh, not a puzzle, yes. I'm about to go to Texas, so I think of games how Meemaw thinks a game. Puzzles. Either puzzles or whatever card game she's into.

Hearts? No, not hearts. That's easy. Anyway, sorry for calling you dumb, Meemaw. I'm not a puzzle. Not yet a board game., Meemaw. I'm not a puzzle. Not yet a board game. My Meemaw is an enigma. Welcome to Watcher

and Crappens. We're both in weirdo moods as usual, so this should be a five-hour podcast full of joy. Christmas is coming. This goose is getting fat. I was on Amazon all day today shopping, so I'm ready to talk and get some anger out.

You can find us at watchwhatcrappens.com all of our links are there so the following links just find them there but go to patreon.com slash dot

watchwhatcrappens that is how you get all of the extras the bonus episodes the etc the ringtones. Tonight we're doing our Christmas party

Google Hangout for subscribers. Oh yeah. Which is gonna be be amazing they're always so fun i'm gonna wear my uh tipsy elves sweater for real i'm gonna wear it on the hangout okay i'll wear it too if it's not too hot you know i'll sweat i'm a sweaty fat man so um anyway go there You can get all our extras. Our subscriber bonus episodes have turned into a whole other show. We die laughing. And they're actually worth it. They're long and really good. If you like listening to two guys just talking about nothing.

Which, you know, I mean, you're here. Anyway, go there. Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. On Twitter, we're at What Crappens. And there you go. I just totally talked over you. No, I was going to say that normally on the bonus episodes, we usually do like a few pieces of Bravo gossip that we aren't able to get to in the main show. And then from there, we go on some bizarre tangent.

And since it's a bonus episode, we pretty much talk about whatever we want. So this week was pressure cookers. Last week, we did a big thing about Golden Girls and murder. She wrote. It's fun. Star Wars is out, which I don't know. People care. I don't.

But I'm going to watch it anyway because I'm going to Texas where, you know, my brother-in-law cares very much. I'm like actually looking for Star Wars lamps for him right now. He's 45. Okay. Get one in the shape of Darth Vader. Well, they have one of the, What is it called? The Death Star? Not the Death Star Yeah, the Death Star, it's the big circle

It's so cool, it's like a glass It's all made out of glass And then it just has the lights etched But it's $100 And I love my brother-in-law, but he also has two children And a wife There's one that's, there's a Star Wars lamp That's in the shape of R2d2 i just looked right

now i'm i'm looking i'm i am looking for you there's a there's an r2d2 lamp that's a perfect husband lamp isn't it because r2d2 just kind of has to follow you around wherever you go muttering something no one ever listens to anyway it's like perfect husband lamp i'm totally getting that form for father's day if i don't go for christmas well that's why we named ken van ken todd as as our duty to ken duty to there's all there is a darth vader uh lamp just so you know and a yoda one ben you're so good with your amazon it's just even we're so spoiled because it's the future now and we're on amazon like i don't even have to leave my house to christmas shop it's just even we're so spoiled because it's the future now and we're on amazon like i don't even have to leave my house to christmas shop it's all delivered to texas for me and it's still an event

it's like oh shit i have to christmas shop i just sit here in my underwear and smoke pot and christmas it's like what's so hard what are you complaining about i'm like this is hard okay so we'll talk about bullshit all day, and it's not bonus day. So let's talk about, you know, focused bullshit like Bravo. Yeah, focused bullshit. That is what Bravo is, focused bullshit. It is focused bullshit. You know, Bravo has really taught me to be nicer in real life and take my hatred out on people that deserve it.

The ones on TV. Yay. Although I did go to a christmas party birthday party thing last night and my friends were like please stop talking like that because i was either doing my terrible melbourne accent that doesn't even sound like one of the ladies at all or i was doing uh lisa vanderpump because yeah you know it's it happens to me too it definitely happens to me and one of my friends pointed out that my dog only listens when I talk in Vanderpump voice, which is so funny. Because that's how I talk to him.

Well, that's good. Darling, do not eat wood chips, darling. And he'll stop. Why does he only listen to you in that voice? So good. He's well-bred. You're well-bred. Well, he's not, actually.

He's a chihuahua pit bull, so that's some bad breeding. That's like the worst breeding you can get. I was like, I'll take him. Yeah, it's twins. It's like Shaquille O'Neal and his miniature wife. That's what it is. It's like Shaquille O'Neal and that little guy who plays an elf in every movie. Yeah, Verne Troyer.

Yeah. Sorry I didn't make you the good acting elf. He's not an elf little person. So there is some Bravo stuff to talk about before we get into the fun stuff. Before we get into Krappen's – we're going to talk about Krappen's mailbag. Well, we're going to open the Krappen's mailbag. We'll do a recap of Beverly Hills and Cheshire and work out. First, I want to say that on Tuesday, we were like, we're going to talk about this and that, whatever.

But we said we're going to talk about Top Chef, and then we just forgot because we wound up speaking about Real Housewives of Atlanta and Vanderpump Rules for so long. So apologies if you're looking for the Top Chef recap. But there really wasn't that much to recap anyway, except that Giselle, the woman who gave us attitude when we were there, she continues to flounder in hilarious ways. She really does. That's a mess of insecurity that I'm loving to watch. Yeah, absolutely. Now, the other thing, though, that I wanted to talk about at the top of the show here was we talked about, was it on the bonus episode or was it on the main episode?

I don't remember. But we talked about, I think it was on the bonus episode. We talked about Lala and James on Watch What Happens Live. And we were talking about that they said that Jack's had herpes. But apparently the real headline of their appearance, which we didn't understand at the

time because we were kind of reading the stories on the fly during the episode because we're real professional and we like to not prepare. But the real story was that when James and Lala were on Watch What Happens Live on Monday night, they kept on cursing. And it pissed off. And Andy was furious. And apparently everyone watching was mortified.

And people like Stassi and Jax were like, I refuse to be associated with these idiots. And that just made me laugh. It made me laugh that Andy Cohen was getting annoyed. It made me laugh that the people from Vanderpump Rules were acting as if they were above this behavior. I'm like, everyone has to chill out, especially Andy Cohen. And Here's Why. Here's Why, isn't that his segment? Doesn't he have a segment called Here's Why?

I don't know. I haven't watched that in a long time. I didn't even watch the Gloria Steinem one, which basically proved everything I've ever said. Thank you. Thank you, Gloria. I only got that in a headline, too, but I was like, see, Gloria agrees with me. I know that bitch.

Bravo's bad for women. Anyway, what happened was that James and Lala kept on cursing, and at one point there's a clip of it where Andy Cohen says to Lala, he's like, you gotta stop. Seriously, I've told you eight times already, you have to stop. He was annoyed. He was scolding them. He's like, I'm your boss, and you're on TV. You have to stop. Seriously, I've told you eight times already, you have to stop. He was annoyed. He was

scolding them. He's like, I'm your boss and you're on TV. You have to stop. Everyone is acting all outraged, but here's my view. I wrote this on Facebook in response to one of the people who posted this on our page. I said, you know what? Vanderpump Rules is a show which

encourages outrageous behavior from its cast members. Watch What Happens Live is a show which encourages outrageous behavior from its cast members and watch what happens live is a show that basks in that outrageous behavior I mean that's what they do they go and they watch like oh my god Jack all the week they're basking it and then the stars come on and they act outrageous because they've

basically been conditioned to act this way and then Andy Cohen acts shocked and annoyed and mad at them come on give me a break yes the thing is andy cohen doesn't understand about the youth because he's dealt with you know middle to middle age to above women now when you're young and you're 22 or whatever this is their stepping stone they really think that they're going to be i don't know rihanna or something soon so they look at this as like their time in the dinner theater if you will and then they're going to be I don't know Rihanna or something soon so they look at this as like their time in the dinner theater if you will and then they're going to graduate the older

people are like this is my last chance to sell nail polish you know I'm gonna get people liking me on Instagram that's all I need like you can pay these bitches literally nothing because now they're switching Jersey over to their pay their new pay scale is you're only getting paid if you're actually in scenes that we use. So if you shoot a scene, you don't get paid. If they use it in the show, you get paid. I mean, they're getting so bad over there because they've realized how thirsty these bitches are. They're like, we'll do it for a double tap on Insta. By the way, I think that's bullshit.

If you shoot a scene and it doesn't make it to air that you don't get paid for it. I think that's bullshit. Well, this is more headline reading. I didn't read the whole thing. It's posted on our Facebook. But I just thought that was hilarious. Yeah. Well, I just think that Andy Cohen, I understand why he was annoyed. But, like, sorry, dude.

You created these monsters. So you have to deal with it. Yeah. And they're disrespectful idiots. And that's the point. That's why we love them. But, you know, he's used to people kissing his butt. And they're disrespectful idiots and that's the point that's why we love them but you know he's used to people kissing his butt and they're like we don't care we're fucking waiters okay yeah like kick us off tv we'll at least get on e you know take a good look andy cohen is the last time you'll see this honey you won't get this honey and watch what

happens live anymore girl andy cohen you're a basic batch right seriously speaking of watch what happens uh there's also this clip from today do you remember a few weeks ago nini leaks was on the view and she got mad at all the views she's the i don't i never actually saw we talked about it here we played it i think you were out of town that week oh that was that was the week you were gone but it was so good because really if if you guys haven't seen this clip um no one was being mean to nini nini was just acting like nini what was and joy was like you're an idiot i mean she didn't say that but joy was saying oh so're – she was saying something about divorce. Like, well, haven't you been divorced or something? Like, why are you selling a divorce?

She dared to question me. Yeah, she made some stupid Joy comment, but it wasn't even mean. And she said, didn't you get a divorce? Why did you take your husband back? She's like, well, I had to teach him a lesson, honey. And she's like, what lesson? She said, not to cross me. And she's like, okay.

You know, Joy was not having her at all and then nini shows all these pictures of her new home that's in like life and style or whatever shit magazine it's in and uh they're like congratulations on your magazine spread and then joy goes uh why is there no furniture in your house because it's just empty rooms and nini's like girl i need privacy okay i'm a celebrity and i need privacy she's like your furniture needs privacy but your house doesn't she's like well we hid the address girl like she was trying to be a diva and joy is the ultimate okay she doesn't give a fuck apparently it was brilliant it was amazing to watch and then nini leaves the

view and she's like, mean girls, hashtag mean girls, hashtag bullied. Shut up. Nene says the ultimate mean girl. Come on now. Jesus.

How many people have moose prints on their back? Shut up, Nene. You know that if the roles were, would reverse or if it was still Atlanta, you know, in her confessional, she'd be like, where's the furniture?

You know, she'd be the first one to say that she'd be the first one to throw shade. So shut up, Nene. So along those lines, so Nene went out. She made a big to-do that the host of The Viewer, Mean Girls. So Whoopi Goldberg was on Watch What Happens last night responding to this NeNe thing.

And we have a clip from Watch What Happens. It's like 40 seconds. Yay, I love a clip. We haven't heard it, so we're going to listen to it right now. Ready? Yeah. Why do you think NeNe had such a bad time on The View? Do you think the other ladies were acting like mean girls? Yeah, NeNe Leakes was ragging

about her time on The View. Did you hear about that? No. You didn't? No. But did you know when she left that day that she was feeling sad? You know what? I didn't. You know what? Come on. Really, NeNe? Yeah, she was. I thought, you know, I don't know what. Did somebody say something that she didn't like?

She felt like Raven was giving her the stink eye, and she enjoys she was not feeling joy. Well, you know, then come back another day and try again. Right. I don't know what to say. That was kind of a lame clip. Sorry, everyone. As any clip from Watch What Happens usually is.

There was no story there. He's like, oh, yeah, she's not feeling it. Hey, why don't you tell her what happened? I love that Whoopi Goldberg was there. And then, you know, she got five zillion tweets about it. Yeah. And was tagged and everything. And she's like, what?

Listen, Whoopi Goldberg is she has an established career. She's a funny lady. She has an Oscar. All this shit like you think that like she even cares what nini leaks things you know beyond all of that whoopi goldberg is a a plus best prescription in life stoner okay that whole set probably smells like weed which i approve of by the way she doesn't care one good thing about being a stoner every day is that you don't have terrible memories because they're like literally erased yeah i

love i love whoopi and i think that nini is ridiculous and she should know her place okay you you were on a reality show and then you've been you've gotten some like a few roles on broadway basically because people know who you are but like and that's good you've gotten a few roles on Broadway, basically because people know who you are. And that's good. You've come up, but still just slow your roll. Okay, you should be so happy you were on The View. She has really come up. I mean, she's doing her second Broadway show.

Granted, it's Chicago. I mean, I think the person who sells the train tickets on 42nd and Grand Central Station has been Mama Morton in Chicago. But still, you're doing it. You know, that's good. It's her second show. She's done so many things. But, God, she's so unbearable. People should be begging to work with her because she's the most popular.

I mean, she was one of the most popular and highest paid until she turned into an asshole. Yeah. I mean, people still do love her. That's for sure. But she has to just get it together. I mean, you're not Meryl Streep. You're not even you're not even

Meryl Streep's not Meryl Streep. Meryl Streep's so nice. What I'm saying is she doesn't have enough behind her to act like the diva that she is. Meryl Streep could be a huge diva, but she's not. But the point is, you know, Nicole Kidman, I don't know, behind her to act like the diva that she is. Like Meryl Streep could be a huge diva, but she's not. But the point is, you know, Nicole Kidman, I don't know.

I've actually heard that she's really nice too. And even though people think she's a diva, I don't know. Name some, Madonna. She's a diva. She's a diva and a half. Three times a diva. She deserves it though. You know why?

Three times a diva. She's once, twice, three times a diva but you know what because she can sell out stadiums yeah but nini comes from that fake it till you make it place and then she made it like she faked it she made it but now she's gonna break it because she's just you can stop faking it now you made it you know now be nice and like people will help you make it more. You dodo. Yeah. You don't want to piss off the girls of The View, okay? There is legitimate racism against nurses now.

I never even knew about it. I'm just kidding. People are like, screw you, nurses. Where did this come from? The View. People have chosen sides. Don't mess with anybody over there, all right? Hashtag nurses unite.

What was it? Nurses unite? I don't remember. I don't want to relive that chapter. I know, I'm just starting to shake because it's Christmas. I'm like, let's get yelled at. It's Christmas.

Yeah, Krampus, get over here. So, um, so that's that. So, you know what? You know what time it is, Ronnie? Crop and smell bag. Crop and smell bag. Crop and smell bag.

It's noon and it's ten. What were you saying? It's ten. drop and smell bag it's noon and it's 10 i don't know i'm smoking up now i talked about whoopi being a pothead and i was like oh i have a new vape pain so i apologize now if you hear me chomping down on last night's little caesar pizza let's see which one should we start with why don't we start since we're talking about atlanta-ish stuff uh laurie hey laurie girl she asks laurie ann we love laurie love you girl and hopefully we'll be seeing her tonight at the hang out um she wants to know your favorite kim kim zolciak, Kim Fields, or Kim Richards? And then Marvin J., our super sponsor Marvin J., he asks, lest we forget Kim G, Kim V, and Kim Burley. Well, Kimberly is like a whatever, so I'm going to knock Kimberly out of the running. But if we had to go Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields, Kim Richards, Kim G, or Kim V?

You know what's missing is Kim D. Oh, Kim D. Who's Kim V, by the way? Do we have a Kim G or Kim V. You know what's missing is Kim D. Oh, Kim D. Who's Kim V, by the way? Do we have a Kim V? Kim V? Is that Kim D? I'm trying to think. You know, after all of this, what is this, episode 265 or something?

Six? It's somewhere up there. That's like, what, 900 hours or something that we've done this? I would lose in bravo trivia that's really fucking sad like i don't even remember people i'm like who's that when they have a best of house what the best housewives lines ever or whatever i'm like who is that oh you know kim v i think is on newlyweds the first year oh we don't have to count her no she doesn't count she doesn't but we'll replace her with Kim D. Kim D. Piela.

Okay. So favorite. Kim Zolciak, Kim Fields, Kim Richards, Kim Granatel, or Kim D. Piela. Okay. You want me to go first or you want to go first? I want you to go first. Richard, Zolciak, D, 2D, just because I have faith that she's going to have a nervous breakdown at some point and

I do not like that one that's Kim D she's the one with the store right she's like Sally Kellerman living in Real Housewives of New Jersey with Posh I love her yeah because I like Sally Kellerman and also I was hoping that Sally Kellerman would be a total cut fitness, and she wasn't.

So I'm taking it out on Kim D. I love the running theme of Sally Kellerman that pops up once a month on this podcast. There are certain things that have nothing to do with Bravo, but they reappear. Sally Kellerman, Soap Dish, Big Business, and Jurassic Park. Your youth stays in your mind. What can I tell you? I met Sally Kellerman, Soap Dish, Big Business, and Jurassic Park. Your youth stays in your mind. What can I tell you? I met Sally Kellerman, and I'll never forget it. I could meet Obama, and I'd be like, who cares?

Do you know Sally Kellerman? Okay, yeah, those are my camps. Not when I have cold brew in my mouth. Not when I have cold brew in my mouth. This costs double the price of hot brew, damn it. Don't make me smell like cold brew. Cold brew. Starbucks, you know you're doing it wrong, right?

I know. Stupid. Okay, who's your favorite Kims? Okay. I think I have to say my favorite would have to be Kim D. I mean, I'm sorry. She's just too hilarious. She looks like a character from The Simpsons.

She has hair fangs. She has a boutique called Posh, and then there's Posh 2. And she has a fashion show where she hires locals from Franklin Lakes, and they go and everyone fights during them. And she gets drunk and she stirs shit up. She can wear, like, pleated khakis. Whatever they're wearing in those fashion

shows. She's like, here's my fashion show. Here's a nice corduroy skirt. I'm like, oh, jeez, lady. I know. So I have to I think Kim D gets the edge because when i think about her i get the warmest feeling in my heart then oddly enough i would actually say kim g because even though you put her last kim g was one of the thirstiest friends of that we've ever seen but can anything top her trying to pole dance in Jersey or her chasing after Danielle Staub and throwing a

napkin at her. I don't think so. Kim G was batshit crazy out of her mind and I don't know. I think there was something very special about her. And then from there now it actually gets harder. I think that with Kim Zolciak is like a

normally I would say, oh, Kim Zolciak is Kim Zolciak. I mean, this woman for so many years was one of the major forces of Real Housewives of Atlanta. But I think that like her spinoff has really lowered like her value in my eyes because I don't know. I don't feel like I care about her. So she's probably in last place for me. I guess I would do Kim Richards, then Kim Fields. Although Kim Fields I'm really enjoying. I cannot believe you put kim zolciak so maybe it's because uh i'm not saying who's the best kim it's who's my favorite and right now kim zolciak's at the bottom i just i mean kim uh

zolciak was the first person to fake cancer she was the first person to have does she have a weave line but it's like she has like tape on she had a wig line but you know but the thing is that you know if you were to look at the best housewives of all time if I looked at season one and two or maybe even three of Atlanta I would say Nini

but now I can't like I have to look at the whole body of work and for Kim Zolciak that applies too I have to look at Don't Be Tardy and I think that show is like she's still ridiculous but it's like not not the same novelty with kim it just makes me be like with her yeah it's too much maybe i'm i like when people yell at her i don't like when she's the queen bee of everything i like when when a hoe is struggling okay yeah but i'll always respect her because it that a very – you want to talk about a difficult board game to win. The whole ladder.

Shoots in the mouth of your hoo-ha and lettuce. Yeah. Hodyland. That is difficult to win, and Kim has won. I mean, she went from being some plastic-wigged, you know, like weirdo-looking, crazy, white-trash hoe with some crinkly old married lover i mean gross she she built a she built a she puts the hoe in the hotel in monopoly okay she built one on boardwalk she built a hotel and boardwalk she wins like she wins she's the little gold car you know but it goes back to like what i always used to say about bethany which is you know I used to love – Bethany used to be one of my favorites of all time.

Then with her spinoffs and her talk show, it was too much. Bethany is best when she's diluted down in the context of an ensemble. And when she had her own show, it was too much. I just really could not stand her anymore. Then she came back to Real Housewives and i started to love her again because it's she plays off other people and she's commenting and it just it works so much better so kim zolciak needs to get back on real housewives and then we can have a fun time well she's too snotty now like she wouldn't even shoot the last scenes and you know when the husband's waiting

outside in the car and he's like come on babe he's like a mafia driver or whatever. I don't want to watch that. And what you said about Bethany is so true because, I mean, I love, I mostly love her, usually hate her too. I don't know. I'm messing up my sentences. You know why? But on her show, when I watched that, she was in the bathroom sobbing because Jason had the nerve to throw her a surprise party. And she, like, had a nervous breakdown. And I couldn't even enjoy that.

As amazing as that is. Because there was no one outside going. Is she crying? What's she doing? Why is she crying? That's so stupid. I'm sorry. You have to stop crying.

But you know. It's like you reveal too much of the man behind the whatever. It's like whatever the analogy is. The metaphor about Wizard of Oz. It's like we see too much. Just let me see in the context. Not everyone can support a spinoff, alright? We all remember the Tortellis. It didn't work. Just stick with Cheers.

How did that not work, by the way? The main Mrs. Tortelli, what was her name? She's married to Casey Kasem. Jean Kasem. Oh, Jean Kasem. And then you had, wasn't it Dan Hedaya? She was amazing, Jean Kasem. How did she not become a trillionaire? Well, I guess she is, I mean, Casey Kasem's Oh, Gene Kasem. And then you had, wasn't it Dan Hedaya? She was amazing, Gene Kasem. How did she not become a trillionaire? Well, I guess she is.

I mean, Casey Kasem's wife. But I mean, on her own. You know, she was so funny. Okay, so mailbag. What else? What else is in here? The other question that we have is also from Lori. And she says, what has Richard Blaze have on all, what, let me correct the grammar on this story so it doesn't sound strange on the podcast.

What does Richard Blaze have on folks that causes him to show up on every damn cooking show on the planet? He has all their hair products. That's what I'm going to say. He's stolen them all and he's made his wig, made his, not his wig,

his hair into something out of Whoville and he won't return the, like the Matrix Revlon's whatever. He's not going to return it to you until you put him on a show. I would have to disagree there because I used to have hair that I cared about and

the only thing that will hold it up like that is like Walmart gel. It's only the cheap shit that's still made out of like cancer clay that still works on your hair. The other things don't work. So he wouldn't, it's only the cheap shit that's still made out of like cancer clay that still works on your hair the other things don't work so he wouldn't it's not hair product honestly it's just an agent it's a good agent he must have been really nice to like tom or padma podma or one of those people because i think it's an agent man that's all you really need those casting people don't give a

fuck they're like can you make a grilled cheese? No? Okay, come on, Chopped. What? You know what? He obviously has a very good agent, and he probably has a good marketing person, and he has positioned himself. But, yeah, he is on everything. And, you know, I've been very up and down with Richard Blaze. His first season that he was on, I actually did not like him at all, and I was glad that he lost. And then the season that he won, I actually was really rooting for him, and I was glad that he lost and then the season that he won I actually was really rooting for him and I was really happy that he

won and now I'm just finding him to be I don't know he's too young to be a judge and I don't even mean young by years I mean young in terms of like of like being judge worthy he's

like you know too fresh out of high school and then coming back and saying what's wrong with everyone in high school like it's just too hard trying too hard i don't like it uh i've never loved him but i don't have a whole lot of hate for him i feel like his first season he got screwed over and then who won his first season do you remember i think the first season was stephanie who has now like one of the most acclaimed restaurants in chicago it's like no he wasn't on that season because i think i didn't watch i'll look it up i'll look it up richard blaze i'm trying to but i'm still on this

effing grill roomba thing that you showed me oh my god i'm trying to christmas shop today and we were talking earlier about it and he was telling me this silly gift That his dad got once Which is a Roomba He lost to Stephanie Isard by the way He did lose to Stephanie? How weird then why do I hate him? I don't even think I watch that

I think the other thing is with Richard Blaze Is that he You know He does always have this very specific look That he always seems to be going for and sometimes you don't always want that in a judge you know you don't sometimes you feel well when a judge seems to put a lot of attention on a specific look it almost seems like the judge is more out for their own um to boost their own profile and so sometimes it actually yeah it's

like a way it's like a fame hungry uh nanny kind of fame whore kind of a guy. It takes away some credibility. Because you think, is he saying this because this is what he really thinks? Or he just wants to say something slightly outrageous or slightly nasty? No, that dude just wants to be famous. And a lot of them do. I mean, there's no crime in it. But it's just annoying, yeah.

Especially living here around such ass kissers. He's like the ass kisser, but then he gets a chance to be the dick and it's like i preferred you when you were a needy ass kisser go back to that exactly do both you can't have respect and be a needy ass kisser who needs my approval you know exactly i mean i mean i don't really hate him i just find him to be some here's why i hate him okay let's just be honest I'm gonna hate him here's why you guys I can never get behind somebody with a faux hawk fuck you top chef and your top chef faux hawks never gonna work for me I'm so mad that it's still here and you know what I'm looking at his wikipedia that's why I'm so angry it's still the fucking faux hawk you can change he's moved away from the faux hawk in IRL. Oh, you know, he pulls that shit out on the food network so people can recognize him easily. He's like, I'll get my faux hawk and my white-rimmed glasses.

Shut up, Richard, please. Comb your hair. Yeah. Fucking 47. I have to say, I do find that chef styling can be really annoying. In terms of tattoos and how they dress, it's always the same shit. Which I guess, I mean, I know. That's what fashion is. I love it.

I love a dark chef with a ton of tattoos and you can smell the cigarettes from your couch. I just hate the whole attitude. I love it. I've been in the trenches. I'm like, I know. I know what you do is significantly harder than what I do. I know you will go through much harder training.

I know you go through this and that. I don't know. For some reason, it really irks me really like i don't like i don't like when people have attitudes that like there's i don't let me back up there's some there's some sort of like superiority complex that comes with being a chef i feel like and i may be reading into it maybe i'm actually just projecting my own inferiority complex i am totally open to that. But sometimes I just, like, the tattoos are like the pigs and the tattoos are the forks and knives. And naming the children after a Madeline cookie. I mean, I'm just done.

Done with it. I like it because I feel like it's your angry maid who, I don't know, like, got a tattoo with a vacuum cleaner on it. And she's acting all badass. She did all three bathrooms in an hour, you know? Listen, if she comes over to my place, she has been in the trenches. I get cracked up with performers and stuff like that who get a big attitude, too, because at the end of the day, we're clowns. And we're performing for people with actual, like, money and real jobs and real brains. So in the old days, well, the real old, the king days,

we were jesters, and if they didn't like us, they just raped us and murdered us. I watched that thing on Showtime. What was it? Henry VIII. I was like, oh, my God, that would be me. A beheaded, like, skull-effed, like, clown. That would be me.

Thanks a lot, Henry VIII. Jer jerks uh well i guess if i'm wondering what i would get tattooed on my body if i were a chef it'd probably be like a pressure cooker i'll just have a big old instapot on my back i'd have those crinkle cut fries from the market pantry brand from target like just a bag of them i'll get that on me i do think it's funny right i think that's a good tattoo actually yeah i like it because it could almost you should put it on your forehead so people think it's a harry potter uh scar but you're like no it's just a crinkle fry well the way that fucking uh crinkle in my forehead's working these days it'll turn into a crinkle fry i'm getting like a huge crinkle

there because you know age but i mean it's big It looks like its own mouth when I move my head. It's like it's talking too. Okay, what was that that we just talked? I'm trying to label as we go so we're time coding this shit. What was that? Oh, Richard Blaze's stupid faux pas. You only have to time code the mailbag. The mailbag.

You don't have to time code like the sub parts of the mailbag. But I'm not kidding when I say the second i hang up i forget everything we talked about sometimes people will quote us and i'm like what when was that that sounds so fun i know by the way i love how we like we invariably like turn our podcast into also like a production meeting we don't care people can listen transparency people transparency totally behind the scenes. They know we're just sitting around in our underwear getting high, talking on the phone. They'll survive it.

Listen, people who like this podcast are listening to really long shows. They're probably chefs, actually. They're probably working 14 hours days or some shit and just need somebody to talk so they don't kill themselves. I mean, that's why I listen to talk radio and the podcast and stuff. So I think that's it it we have one more question we can it says i was not saying it the question i'm saying it myself because really just be quiet oh my god i know i know but i'm just gonna get we'll do this one quickly um katherine says asks is the recent reports that yolanda is broke the reason she could only afford one one horse for poor gg oh yes but that was a long time ago what the one horse the one horse that was when she was still on allowance at david's house

and now according to headlines from radar online which are usually completely not what the story is at all um he wants that money back he's like where's that money for all your treatments he's sending her a bill. What do you think that she got Bella? So if she gets a horse for Gigi, she gets Bella... A shovel to clean up the horse shit. What else? And un-warsome boots to walk around in it.

She's like, who's that little girl over there? Other one, go find her and ask her to help you clean up poo-poo. I don't have all day. Gigi is coming downstairs soon. Other one, clean up poo-poo. I don't have all day. Gigi is coming downstairs soon. Other one, clean up poo-poo. I would do anything to this horse's face to get my brain back.

It's like, that sounds like a great cure, Yolanda. We'll get to that, but the things that Yolanda says that are going to cure her, she's like, I rip out my teeth to make me health. I'm like, what? You rip out your teeth? Do you feel better?

No. Stupid. Speaking of which, by the way, oh, we mentioned this earlier. We mentioned this on Tuesday. Revenge of Yolanda, that both of our crowns are broken. Yes, we talked about that already. You got yours fixed, so it's funny to you. Mine is still broken.

Mine's getting fixed tomorrow. I got a gummy. My friend Miss Red from Trash Talk TV sent me jelly tots. I was so excited. Those things are delicious. It made me so happy, but I couldn't stop, like, eating them all. But I found one bag behind my ghetto ass made up, screwed together kitchen counter that I made myself. And so, thankfully, food falls behind there.

And so I was afraid of getting rats. So I moved it and there was a jelly tot. Anyway, it got stuck in my broken crown in the back. And I woke up this morning with my head pounding. And I was like, what is this? This is the sweetest pain I've ever felt.

I still had a little bit of, of jelly top back there. Bad news, mom. Bad news, Mom. We brought it to you, Delvani. Delicious. Well, our faithful listener, Mike,

he sent me three boxes of chocolates a few episodes ago. I was like, why hasn't anyone sent me chocolate? So he sent me chocolate. It was so good, and I have definitely put on the pounds. Do I not sound angry enough in this podcast that you have to try and make me angrier? You're like, oh, Ronnie, you sound so well-adjusted today. I'm like, goddammit!

Where's mine? No, I don't need any more chocolate. It was delicious, but no more. No more. No more chocolate for Ben. So now, let's talk about the real shows, because this shit was... Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, I just feel like it sounds like the bag is opening again. It doesn't have the sound of conclusion to it. Because it never ends. There's so much promise in it.

When that brontosaurus wails, I feel like, yes, a brave new world is about to happen. What were we talking about? I'm putting it in our notes. What was it? We were talking about chocolates and Richard Blaze and Bella. Oh, Bella. Yolanda and the horse. Yolanda's horse.

Yolanda's horse allowance. Okay, so now this is minute 36. Oh, my goodness. For real? Yeah. Why not? Welcome to minute 36, where we're going to start discussing Bravo shows.

We have a doozy this week. What do you want to talk about, Ben? First, we've got three shows. We've got Real Housewives of Shesha. We've got, what's the other one, Ben? Oh, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. And Workout. You know, it's hard for me to answer that

because the truth is... I was so looking forward to playing with the pony. I know. That's what I want to do, play with the pony. So let's talk about Beverly Hills. Poor Eileen. I just came to play with the pony.

I was so looking forward to playing with the pony. Thanks for this giant hat that my husband can ignore me in all day. Jesus, do you have to put a potted plant on Eileen's head? I was like, geez. Woman's trying to have a romantic day out with her husband. He's not on online poker for one time this week. Let's talk about Beverly Hills.

Let's do it. Okay, so I have to open this with my own plug. Go to Trash Talk TV and read my recaps if you're a reader. Because, you know, reading is kind of dead because we watch so much TV. Like, getting through a book can be hard. I get it, people. But I love books and I love reading. And I write recaps like I'm writing a fucking book.

It is almost 7,000 words. It's way too long. It's ridiculous. But I go deep. So go over there if you're a good reader because um i'm cracking myself up and then reading all the comments after i love i love going so deep with this stupid fucking show all of these stupid fucking shows you've saved my life shows it's all about the comments i mean i feel like that's what we that's like one of the main reasons why we do

this shit i mean that's why i spent an hour making a Photoshop Star Wars poster for the last episode. I'm like, I've got shit to do today. But I'm like, I'm making this. I'm making this because I want people to comment on it. That's sort of like what we... We're like the housewives themselves. We just want attention. Well, I make fun of Yolanda all the time.

Like, everybody thinks she's doing this for David's attention. She's doing it for the double taps on the Insta. And I was saying it all judgmentally, but yeah, we totally get it. Yeah. Yeah, we get it. We get it. Oh, Bane. So anyway.

The reason I was reminded of my own long-ass recap is because that's my note. So you're going to have to be very careful and guide this one because oh you are you want me to steer the ship do you have a lot of notes i mean i have yeah i have i have i have a nice normal amount of notes i feel like so yeah i'm very happy to steer the ship okay do it i'm steering the ship everyone gets on board so um the episode opens up with kyle and lisa in florence and they're shopping and they're extolling the virtues of shopping abroad because kyle's like this way if anyone asks where'd you get it you can say you can't get it it was in europe or you can go to kyle by eileen too but that's beside

the point kyle's fashion is so bad i love that she finds her exact same bad fashion in Italy. Did you notice that she walked into a store that sold Kyle clothes? Everything was like a flowy, patterny. I mean, what did they just find the dress barn online in Italy? Yeah, I think so. Just goes to show that you can find bad taste even in Europe. Of course. I love Kyle's snottiness. He's like, I'll just tell people they can't find this outfit because I got

it in Italy. Like, congratulations. Your husband goes to work every day. You still dress like a cow. Figure out your own size, Kyle. Stop bragging about things that you don't have. I mean, she has things, but she doesn't possess the things, you know? That's why she brags. In high

school, there was this girl, Maya Stadinski. really sweet girl. I liked Maya so much. But one time, I will never forget this. It was right before class started, and Jen Schiavetti came in, and she looked at – Maya was wearing something, like some jeans or whatever. She's like, oh, my God, those jeans are so nice. Where did you get them?

And she goes, Paris. Shut up, Maya. like some jeans whatever she's like oh my god those jeans are so nice where did you get them she goes paris shut up maya that was like and for some reason like i feel like everyone heard it and i was like she wasn't even insufferable like that but the way she said it right then it's like oh maya just lost like 30 points uh this whole lisa and kyle thing is cracking me up because lisa vanderpump i think was so confused she seemed so confused that there was even a problem and kyle thing is cracking me up because lisa vanderpump i think was so confused she seemed so confused that there was even a problem with kyle when she had to stick brandy on kyle she was like yeah all right you do it darling because i'm not even sure what to say you know uh so i think she's so excited in a way to have kyle as her friend again she seems to really like her but kyle has a mix of i hate you i'm terrified of you still hate you can't

wait until you die she has that kind of uh attitude towards lisa and it makes her try so hard to make lisa like her in ways that lisa doesn't care about it's like oh you got a matching floppy hat in your own color way to show your independence kyle yeah well i i think that kyle has finally figured out after like several seasons of this show to just buddy up with Lisa and she'll be fine. Don't try to go against her. Don't try to be angry. Just go with the flow and Lisa will accept you and then you will be fine.

And she's doing a good job of that so far. And also she's learned, Kyle is a pro. We give Kyle a lot of shit on this show, but she's a pro housewife. That girl knows what she's doing. And she always has, but she's really massaged her gift. I mean, the way that she's set off so many chains of events by not saying a word is hilarious. We'll get to it later, but she totally put Taylor on the warpath and then sat there trying not to smile. trying not to smile but those veins on her temple the botox veins on her temple that you know i don't know they give away the fact that your face is shot up with a deadly disease because you have

hulk veins on your temple anyway so those started pulsing while she was trying not to smile and she's like looking anywhere that she can with her eyes looking two different directions because she's so like numbed up there i was just dying it was like googly-eyed robot kyle trying not to crack up that she just started this whole war and didn't even have to do anything she's a richard sister and if those richard's women know anything it's how to manipulate a situation i mean that's what their mom was best at so bravo to kyle you you've you've come into your own good for you but she's still a little transparent but i'm with you and you know what you're working on it and i love someone who can improve kyle you go girl good for you kyle so then uh over over in los angeles and beverly hills

lisa rena is getting her nails done with her daughters and and uh it's just one of these like slice of life scenes where she's like you have a curfew missy you have a curfew it's just one of these slice of life scenes where she's like, you have a curfew, missy. You have a curfew. It's at 1110. I thought it was 1130. No, it's 1110. That's when you just came back at 1130. Okay?

Life is one big fat negotiation. It's just one big negotiation. Harry Hamlin, let's negotiate. You do not negotiate with teenagers. I mean, are you fucking crazy crazy that's like negotiating with terrorists you put those teenagers in their place turn off their fucking t-mobile bill they'll listen i'm telling you these teenagers are difficult it's like running a prison i love lisa right now i do too and i love that she's so like fake strong because she's like i

i do not want to raise spoiled little brats. And then her kids are like, I'm coming home at 1110 in my Beamer, okay? I don't want to have to drive drunk over the speed limit because I'll get a ticket and then you'll never shut up. She's like, okay, honey. Listen, you know that they don't have a... I don't think they have a Beamer. You know that girl drives a 1997 Toyota Corolla. Where is she working at a deli?

Oh, is that the one who's making toast? I think it's the brunette one that's making toast. One of them is. One of them is at the deli and one of them is at the butcher probably. The brunette one gets the bored face of someone who makes toast on the weekends. Her jaw just kind of drops open while she listens to Lisa talk. Like, flies are going to go in there. Girl, you better close that mouth and she's so beautiful but lisa lisa rena loves getting a laugh at her own kids and i'm sure she's not telling her to close her mouth on purpose so that she can be

laughing about it when they all watch it together yeah i could have told you but i didn't it's so funny look at your mouth it's open open. Rewind it, Harry. She bounced. I also like that when she laughs, she basically turns into one of those inflatable things that when you punch it, it comes back up again. Because she's just basically like a bobbing buoy or something in a chair. I love that. So anyway, the next scene. That can strangle you. It's like it laughs and pops back up.

But once in a while, a hand comes out and just throws a glass at your face and then tries to murder you on TV. Don't you dare punch me in the face one more time. Don't you dare. Every time it comes up, it has a big smile and then one time it turns around on the back of it. It's like, oh no, it has a crazy devil face.

Don't you dare. Don't you dare. On every eleventh punch, it sprays acid in your face. It's like, whoa, whoa, punching bag. Whoa. Punching bag. The punching bag is like, it's an addict. You're punching me.

You're a punching addict. It's dangerous. Flat out dangerous. There's only one thing you can say to piss off the punching bag. You can punch it and punch it and punch it. But if you deny being an addict, she's like, whoa. The punching bag comes back with a little fist. You're like, wait. Now the punching bag is a puncher. Boom, boom, she's like, whoa! The punching bag comes back with little fists. You're like, wait.

Now the punching bag is a puncher. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And it, like, destroys you. It's like push your luck. So anyway, so then we go to Eileen's house where. Poor thing. Ross clock on the wall. I mean, these cameramen are cop fitnesses.

They get a close-up of the Ross dress for less clock on the wall. We recognize it. Okay. And what was the next thing? It was like sad things, like a really sad old chandelier, but it wasn't like a diamond chandelier. It's like one of those, I don't know, things you buy in a Southwest store. You know, it's like, is it marble? Is it stone?

Or is it fauxed plaster? And then cut to her husband sitting on the couch with his sunglasses inside. You know, he's either drunk or playing online poker. Poor Eileen. I just wanted to hug Eileen. I know. I know. Well, I really empathize with her when she said that she was having a coffee high.

I was like, that's me. She's speaking my language. And I say the same thing to her that I say to you. Find a real drug, all right? You're going to love drugs. She was also going on about the sort of thing that I would go on, which is, you know, she had hid the iPad from her son, and now she didn't know where it was.

And she was, like, trying to ask Vince about it. And he's like, shh, shh, shh. That's basically, like like me and my boyfriend. He's like, honey, I'm about to get a flush. Shut up. But Vince, I just want to. Shut up, bitch. I'm like, okay, classy.

It's like Don sitting there on the couch. I know. I'm like, what are you doing? What sort of work are you doing? What does Vince do? Do we know what Vince does? He plays poker and writes terrible screenplays. Oh, that's right

oh my god the screenplay i just forgot i just remembered that i shouldn't be so mean about him he actually seems very nice like living the life by the way yeah i want i want to go to his house in malibu and then make fun of their food walls and then have them steal all my money in poker i'm down yeah me too i'll be nicer in person v Vince. Give me a call. So this whole thing with her kid was hilarious because the kid is hilarious. I know because I don't even know why we followed them on Vine. It's so weird. Oh, I guess it's, is it who you follow on Twitter

or what? Um, no, I think I followed her on Vine because she joined. No, because I had done, I'd done like a few Eileen Vines and then I got a message being like eileen is now on vine and so she'd only had like like 90 followers so i followed her and then like like did like at eileen and hoping that she would see our vines and she never responded but you know

well it's not her so that leads to the story perfect segue uh her kid the reason she's hiding that ipad is because her kid takes it and makes vines. And they're so funny. He makes it on her account. And they're just ridiculous. It's that weirdo kid just being like, blah, blah, blah. And that's it. It sounds like Lauren from Real Housewives of Cheshire.

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's a poem read by Lauren. So what's funny is that I mean I mean Shakespeare in Arizona so um so Eileen

Eileen Cheshire is going to be insane. I cannot wait to talk about that shit. So Eileen, what I liked is that Eileen is driving her son to school, to high school, which is sixth grade. In her Ford. In her Ford.

I noticed that too. So he is like, he's on the phone. He's like looking, playing a game on the phone. And she keeps on asking him questions. And he just literally does not hear her. And then finally, she just like puts her hand in between him and the phone he's like looking playing a game on the phone and he and she keeps on asking him questions and he just literally does not hear her and then finally she just like puts her hand in between him and the phone and it was like a disney movie where a spell is broken he's like huh what oh oh yeah it was amazing and it's so true that's how it is i think that that is going to be hilarious well i shouldn't say it would be hilarious if it happened. It would be like a disaster.

But when all the electricity is finally turned off, because everything's computerized. So even our bank accounts, all of our money, every way we communicate, most people don't even have a landline anymore, you know. So everything would be gone. We'd have no way to do anything but to talk to each other. And I wonder sometimes walking down the street i'm like i remember getting laid more and i know i'm older now but also people used to look like no one's even looking like you're in a gay bar looking at your grinder really well i just think it's like peak efficiency that's all i don't do it anymore i've bumped into uh poles when i walk down the

sidewalk i've literally hit my head maybe four or five times because I walk right into things. I've walked into traffic. I've almost killed people in traffic. And, you know, we're all controlled by these phones. And I know I sound like such an old man, and everybody already knows this, but I cannot wait until it's turned off and we all have to talk to each other. It's like you don't get to have your Facebook persona here. It's your real personality. Oh, shit.

All right. All right. Settle down, sir. I told you. Settle down. Don't talk bad about electronics, okay? Just take it easy.

Remember when we used to talk? We're gonna... I'm like giving a gesture and getting the guys in the white suits to come get you. I'm like, he spoke out against Grind in the white suits to come get you. I'm like, he spoke out against Grindr.

Get him away. Take him away. Okay, so anyway, speaking of white suits, then over in Tuscany, it's time for Lisa and Ken to leave the villa. And I just made a general comment that Lisa, in her white dress, she just looks slamming. Lisa is just looking great. She looks fantastic and she so they're leaving Tuscany early

where were they going to where were they on their way they were just going they were just going home but they're like our friend has sent a helicopter to pick us up I liked when she was

walking through and she's like we're going to the blah blah Eduardo I don't remember where she said she was going

helipad I don't know I don't remember where it was we're going to the helipad Eduardo we're going to the da Vin. Helipad. I don't know. I don't remember where it was. We're going to the helipad, Eduardo. We're going to the da Vinci helipad. Just such grace.

She's like, goodbye, home I've owned for 70 years. She just owns everything. Yes. Every place she is. She's like, goodbye. The flowers are like waving and bowing down. Birds are landing on her shoulder. Little ducks and geese and swans are following her, hoping to be

taken into Villa Rosa. Take us with you. Mamma mia, because they're Italian. Take us with you. We can only fit three on the ark, darling. She's swirling around. Little animated blue birds are landing on her fingertips. She's whistling.

They keep remaking all these fairy tales that's how to do it snow white is like a 60 year old rich lady who's into like miniature donkeys and has an old flesh room but going around the pool or whatever yeah um so anyway so she flies she gets into a helicopter and then back in los angeles oh no it's time for Yolanda to get her vitamin C infusion and she's bringing her friend Erica Jane. Oh god, I thought she's being held down the hallway, rolled like a

yoli doli, as usual. And last time we saw her being walked down the street to the last doctor's office, it was some other old blonde whore. I just thought they were the same thing until the name popped. I was like, how did that blonde whore get a new face in a week? And it was Erika Jayne.

Erika Jayne. To me, she looks like the American version of Bliona. Well, her outfits. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. She is like American Bliona, which is not bad. Bliona's a lovely, beautiful woman.

Oh, yeah. Everybody loves Bliona. There's someone you know not bad bleona is a lovely beautiful woman oh yeah everybody loves bleona there's a there's someone you're not gonna uh miss inviting to your christmas party on every list in town they're like would you please wear your see-through leotard with a giant triangle over the bush and uh possibly some star tassels that would be great so the big thing that happened in the scene is that um yolanda got a vitamin c infusion and erica james like oh i can't look at needles i'm so afraid of needles oh needles i'm a girl and then she's like well i was actually surprised when she said she was 44

to be to be fair i thought she was more like 37. So good on her. But she was like, Oh, of course I look good. And I'm like, come on, honey, you look like you just finished performing at Mickey's and not you're doing

your show, doing the drag show. I'm rich. Of course I look good. I'm like, what did you look like before? I'm picturing like Don Knotts. Yeah.

Um, so really that's all that happened. And that's Erica Jane. I have to say already already I liked her. Well, I hate love her because the squealing of her needles, that is such a housewives. Kyle, I can't fly. But then she's flying all over the world. Shut up, Kyle.

No one's buying it. I don't want to watch it. Do something interesting. Don't make up some stupid things. You can still be a girl. Oh, needles. And then Yolanda yolanda this time wore makeup in the scene but she wore makeup like she was playing a really sick person in uh like a musical she was wearing stage makeup she had like lighter base and then really dark eyeshadow i was like you're using dark

brown eyeshadow right now in your 16 yolanda please stop just stop totally doing anne hathaway dying in les mis that's what she was doing um like i only want to sing this song one time so we shoot it all in one shot it actually could still be on my own i mean the lyrics were actually it does yeah on my own pretending you're beside me all alone i walk with you till morning i mean she could be singing that to gg david muhammad the horse you know muhammad's in some serious trouble right now right you know he might be facing jail time because the illegal mansion he built on in bel air what tell me more so we've talked about this before but he built a mansion in bel air and he violated all sorts of codes he didn't get approval for like a bajillion things like a sex swing not

hung properly or something they've tried to they've sent him warnings they've done this and that like like many many times but he has like a shell company so it's kind of protecting him and now it's become a thing there was an article in the new york times this week a long article i tried reading it i was like i can only get through a quarter of this i don't like i don't care enough to read the rest of it but he's become like a symbol of like real estate greed and no surprise there uh but apparently he may face jail time because he he's flagrantly just you know built in in the face of the law that makes sense so anyway he's in trouble it's so hard to get a home built i can't believe that you would uh miss all those regulations don't people like

home to your house here and you have to have so many well it's because he's got so many forms he's got so much forms he's got so much money he's got such powerful like the people who buy his places are like these foreign investors there's so much money behind it that it's like it's worth it to just build it maybe he can sell it to one of the sauds because they don't have to follow the law anyway they just do whatever the fuck they want and they can't be arrested nobody can do shit to them have you heard i think he's selling it well yeah i mean i think he's selling it well yeah i mean i think he's selling it to like the the daughter of like the president of uzbekistan or

something crazy yeah and by the way it's not everywhere i'm only talking about like beverly hills and bel-air there's a lot of news stories about all these guys drunkenly driving and all these women um saying that they were raped at these parties but nothing can be done because they have i don't even know what it's called not immunity but diplomatic immunity yeah something like that so people are having a fit and they're i don't know just having a fit because that's all we really do here we just have a fit and then it ends and something else is like literally they're they're just going out and buying honda fits they're like i am so mad i'm getting a that's like aileen's revenge on something i'll show them getting a new kind of square car so so anyway um anyway so sell your house to one sell your house to a prince is what

i'm saying muhammad i've just solved your problems you're welcome muhammad i'll take one percent of the sale one just one so anyway um elsewhere uh lisa speaking of eileen lisa and eileen meet at a restaurant and they're both wearing leopard print no one wears leopard and no one wears what'd she say she's like you know uh you know no one wears the same thing let alone leopard print or something like that i'm like well how about this how about you just stop wearing leopard print you really shouldn't be wearing it in the first place well last uh last week lisa rena's first scene when she was getting makeup to go on oprah's whatever well she wasn't even going on it then she was just getting her makeup to talk about

getting her makeup done for the whatever that was um when she was in that little cabin or was that her kitchen anyway it doesn't matter she was wearing matching horizontal stripes as her agent or whoever that guy came oh the oprah network guy who came to the house and this week she's wearing a matching every week she's just going to be wearing the same print as somebody else yeah but she but she wore a leopard print like leopard print the same time when she met brandy they showed a flashback i'm like honey if that is ever a sign that you have to change your wardrobe you don't want to be matching Brandy. I've never understood leopard print. I mean, the nanny wore it.

Okay? It's Fran Drescher's outfit. Take it off. How has it lasted for this long? Yeah. So, anyway, so then Kyle joins them. And then just sort of like chit-chatting. And then I love Eileen.

She goes, well, what the hell is going on with your sister? Just gets right to it. Yep. And Kyle's like, what? We're talking about Kim? What? I can't believe it. You know she was on the Bluetooth on the way over.

Like, okay, you bring up Kim because I don't want to get in trouble with Large Marge. Yeah. I do believe that, actually. But I also, I'm not mad at it either. I think that Kyle, I really have, I know you don't have empathy for Kyle, but I have empathy for Kyle. Because I think that that's a fucked up family. And right now, they all seem to be blaming Kyle when really it's like, you know, Kim is the real problem here. And so, like, given the context of her, given the context,

but she doesn't steal their clients and like start, but given, given the, given the context of this crazy family, like I understand that the only way Kyle can address this issue without like getting into further shit with her family is if she has other, other people address it, which of course her family members know that's what she's doing too.

But still, I don't know. I am, am i am empathetic i think that having to deal with having to deal with kim richards having to deal with kim richards and kathy hilton i have empathy for that i actually do have empathy for kyle as a human being that's why she makes me so crazy usually i get most mad at people that i kind of like i get where she's coming from and dealing with addiction and taking care of both her drunk mom and her sister and doing all this shit she had she had to grow up in a horrible way and i do empathize with that it's just that her um the rest of it is so fake but then she's living off of the fame of all that misery in a way because she totally chased kim down in that hotel to get

right to her about being drunk like she does disgusting things so but normally normally i would say yes but i feel like they all live off that fame of something i feel like they all live off i hate them all each other schadenfreude you know what i'm saying i think they're an opportunistic group so given that they're all equally opportunistic in their own ways you know that eliminates that for me you know like that like evens out the playing field so i'm i'm empathetic to kyle just let me be empathetic look if you have any kind of empathy for any three of those bitches those uh richard sisters well watch the uh the uh uncensored i have to no not well you have to watch that but um the the thing they it's on

youtube they shot a pilot themselves you know like more retail was holding the betamax or whatever and it's the three sisters sitting in kathy's old lady living room with like hotel carpeting stop it kathy like large marge needs a clue she's rich as hell and she's so tacky okay kathy had a reality show herself like about nine years ago where she tried to like she was trying to be like martha stewart and and make people watch it yeah yeah so kathy anyway so no no i have to tell you so they made this pilot on youtube and it's where they go help homeless people it's called bum makeovers yeah yeah if you ever have any empathy for these women watch that and you'll see they're just they're not good they're terrible kim's like

i really you want a job are you wanted are you gonna work are you gonna do it are you gonna she's like trying to tell off this homeless guy who's obviously wasted his eyes are rolling back he doesn't have any teeth. Was it Ken from season two? Anyway, my empathies did. Oh. So anyway, so they do start talking about Kim, which makes me happy because I love when Lisa Rinna talks about Kim. And you could see, oh, God, you could see the validation in her voice when she's talking about it. And she's like, she's an addict. This girl doesn't have the tools to

live in this society. You know what she needs? She needs a curfew. It's a curfew. Be back at 11 o'clock, Kim. Kim Richards. When is someone going to say enough is enough? I'm like, did you see Dr. Phil? When is somebody going to say eight is enough?

That's what I want to know. You beasts. She's dangerous, if you ask me flat out dangerous harry hamlin look out she's dangerous she has a chainsaw i love rena's um completely deranged anger about someone else's addiction that she barely even knows like she gets so mad about it still, and then they show the clip. Well, yeah, I know. But I don't go out in public, you know. Yeah, they show the clip of Kim running away, like climbing over that little fence. Climbing over the freeway.

The freeway. The erosion barrier. Yeah. It's like, you don't have a right, Kim. You don't have a right. Lisa, we're not. It's like, Kim Richards, someone's going to hold you accountable, Missy. You better own it.

Oh, watch out. Traffic. Watch out there. You're out of Kim Richards, and here's your E-ZPass. You forgot your E-ZPass. My Lisa Rinna impersonation is going to be E-ZPass. Don't ask me for a loan when you get that ticket, Missy. E-ZPass tickets are not cheap, people.

Oh, goodness. That's so weird. I've talked about E-ZPass tickets two days in a row. people. Oh, goodness. That's so weird. I've talked about Easy Pass tickets two days in a row. Okay. It's a thing. It's a thing. Easy Pass, get out of my brain. Get out of my brain.

So then, after this scene, we then see the Lisas. They're going to Ohio, because if you remember, Lisa Vanderpump found the world's smallest little horse, except it was a half inch larger than the world's smallest little horse. They're going to go to Ohio and pick it up and bring it to Ken for a surprise birthday present, darling. Which is like, you know, only a thing that like a super rich person will do. Like this is the sort of adventure, and I'm not saying in any sort of classist way. I love it.

It's like an aspirational field trip for me is to get onto a private plane and fly to the middle of the country to look at a little horse and fly back in the same day but that's what they're doing well lisa vanderpump normally i would think oh fuck off with your stupid like trying to be wacky scene for a tv show but you know that's not made up she really does shit shit like that. Yeah, it wasn't even trying to be wacky. It was just like, oh, well, it's like a very pressing matter for her. I'm going to get a little horse on my friend's borrowed private jet.

We're going to take a stretch of the mill there. Probably fit the horse in there somehow. I mean, the car is big, darling. Jesus Christ, this lady's crazy. And you know she does it all the time. And I have to say, I was legitimately caught up in the Little Horse drama. I was like, what are they going to do? I mean, what's going to happen here?

But I love when they're flying off to Ohio, and they're going to the airfield, and Lisa Vanderpump's like, we're going in a friend's plane. It's not that big of a plane, but, you know, it'll fit in a little animal. I'm like, oh, you don't have to apologize to us. You know, you're taking a private plane you know she's like like she's like embarrassed that her private plane is not large enough for tv i'm so sad that we didn't get to see the horse on the plane i really thought we were gonna see the horse on the plane because she ends up with two little horses and then muhammad built them a big pink house for the horse in the backyard or the horses

and who is her friend that's sending her little planes and helicopters around the world? Who is this person? Do they live on an island somewhere with a volcano? I mean, I just want to know, where are these aircraft coming from? Hello, look around you, these rich fuckers around here. Like, you forget when you're poor. All we have to do is drive three blocks and then boom, there it is. Like, people flying around in helicopters and then boom there it is like people flying around

in helicopters and shit what the hell people it's true people do take helicopters from malibu to dodger stadium that that's a fact well i will say that lisa's um her her private plane definitely outdid ramona's private plane from the berkshires wasn't that a helicopter no i thought ramona got on a private plane no my friend is sending a helicopter. I thought she got a helicopter. No. I thought – I mean – Oh, she – or it was like one of those little seaplane things.

It looks like a drone. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. By the way, off topic, I have to mention this. Over the weekend, there was a Barefoot Contessa holiday special, which was one of the best Barefoot Contessa episodes of all time. And like the first half an hour or 45 minutes of it was Ina Garten going up to the Berkshires to celebrate Christmas with the Liebermans,

which A, was funny because it's like the Gartens and the Liebermans, two Jewish couples having their own Christmas special. And second of all, I was like, see, Ramona, if the Berkshires are good enough for Ina Garten, then they should be good enough for you. The Berkshires are okay enough for Ina Garten, then they should be good enough for you. The Berkshires are okay now. It was only that one trip because she just wanted to get the hell out of there to go to a party. Well, it was like Molly Sims' backyard barbecue or something that she wanted to get to.

Do you know how many Instagram followers I'm going to get from this party? Yeah, my dad. So anyway, so the Leases land in Ohio, and they're driving to the farm and i love it it starts to rain and lisa was like it's pouring now what like this is an example of angelina's in action like what do you it's raining what could we do like do we have supplies do we have some mac and cheese like from a box that we can eat if things get really bad what are we gonna do now what oh my god the horse is gonna get mud in the limo like you can afford a stretch limo a plane and like a helicopter and a jet or whatever the hell

you guys are on you can afford a maid yeah this is this is why you have to always obey curfew because if you don't you get caught in the rain i knew i should have been home at 11 11 10 a.m oh you got mud on your shoes you You're late for curfew, missy. Told ya. Hate saying I told you so, but also love it. Is there a deli around here? Are you hungry? No, I just want to look at job opportunities for Daisy.

Delilah. Whatever her name is. Don't be a boar's head. Speaking of, there's a deli next to the Ooh La La in the strip mall. Oh, Lisa, you're such a ham. Speaking of which, I want to look at the deli down the street. I want to make sure it's up to OSHA standards. I want to make sure that Delilah's in a proper deli.

I need to do some comparison shopping. So they go get this horse. The horse has a tut tutu which is hilarious and it also is this fat little weird looking thing so cute wait uh actually you skipped a scene oh i am okay go on then it's not a very exciting scene but uh well this is a full-grown horse. Enigma Jane. Yeah, Erica Jane. My name is Enigma, wrapped in a riddle, wrapped in money, wrapped in Capital One bills that they paid. Yeah.

Wrapped in travel checks. So this was Erica's first true scene where she walks around her mansion. It was a typical Real Housewives intro scene where we see, like, a blonde woman in her 40s still acting like she's in her 20s and she's really rich and she came from nothing and look at that there's her older richer husband who got her everything she wants and she does the typical spiel of like no i really love him and you people call me a gold digger but i don't really care what people think uh that's a lie. You really do care.

And, you know, walk around her house. And she was – oh, so here's their love story. She was broke and a waitress. And her husband was a customer for a year. And then she gave him her number. And now they're married. I actually thought this was romantic. And let me tell you why.

married so i actually thought this was romantic and let me tell you why some of these uh some of these real housewives they get a yo you know like a yolanda they're very fancy they're very like kind of fake fancy but at the end of the day you did a good job and you kind of won in a way like you got the rich guy in the house and everything but that doesn't make you more intelligent than everybody else it makes me mad it's like this phony fanciness it just pisses me off this bitch does not have that she's like yeah so i married an old fucking man for his money he was nice to me and you know i'm paying for things who cares like what's going on in your oh yeah i like her so far i like her i'm just thinking it's funny it's like the typical story and it's also like i think it's like the same story of anna nicole smith and her husband right didn't he like come visit her every day at wherever she was working yeah it's also

just women who are used as fuck puppets their whole life and finally it's some guy who probably i mean let's face it probably can't get it up to even do that and it's just like someone who's nice to you and wants a partner you know and well if you read between really nice it's like a nice old war relationship you know i love a good ending and i love a proud hoe well you know what if you read between the lines it basically was for a year i was fucking around with all these assholes and jerks and douchebags 40 and then finally she's like you know know what? Screw all this. I'm going for the rich guy. The creepy guy who keeps visiting me at the bar. I'm going for him.

He's rich. Yeah, exactly. Look, you're milk. Okay? You're a carton of milk. You're about to expire. Do you want to be drunk by, like, I don't know, a supermodel? Or do you want to just be really enjoyed by an older man until you go,

who's going to really compliment you and love what you're doing to his coffee? Not to you. You know, who cares who you're being swallowed by at the end of the day? They're nice. This one's nice. And you know what? He seems like a lovely man so far. He's also really smart and talented, like Aaron Brockovich, okay?

He's an attorney, but he's not a defense attorney. No offense! No offense to any of our friends married to one. But on these shows, usually, it's like the defense attorney who's dripping in billions of dollars because he screwed someone out of something. This is a plaintiff. He's like going after the bad people julia roberts was in a movie that someone played him in well um but note though what i thought was what was slightly telling was they're like walking around their property and erica wants to do something to their pool or to whatever and she's like so i don't do this and

this and this you know with your permission of course like we still know like oh of course but you know he's an old man who's been used by a lot of women and she's a woman who's been used by a lot of old men so they're like coming into the middle and making something good out of it good for you guys ho hugs guys ho hugs yeah so but erica you still get a thumbs up for me so far so far far, your bitch flower hasn't bloomed, and I feel like if it does bloom, it's going to bloom in a good way. So keep on fighting the good fight. You always got to drop some white trash in here to start some trouble. So anyway, so now we get back to Ohio, and tiny horses, darling, tiny horses everywhere. We get to see a dwarf filly.

We meet Rosebud, the dwarf. She is not a Motown filly. see uh a dwarf philly we see we meet rosebud the dwarf she's the she is not a motown philly she is a dwarf philly and she has a tutu on she has a little tutu on and uh what was i gonna say about this stupid thing it was really funny because rena's running around chasing chickens yeah oh yeah she's chasing chickens she caught one i know i loved it when she was chasing the chickens around. I just started laughing. I could just imagine her being like, you get back here.

It's curfew. Chicken curfew. Own it, Missy. Own it, chicken. Own it. I'm putting you in a deli right now,

chicken. You have to learn. You have to work, work your way up, chicken. That chicken is not fit for society. It's dangerous. Down downright dangerous i tell you an addict it's an addict the addict chicken don't you dare say anything about harry hamlin you

chicken this chicken has signs of alcohol abuse that's it we're talking right now at dinner the best part was i was going to record it and then I didn't, but when she finally caught that chicken and she was bringing it back, the chicken was cooing in this way that sounded exactly like Camille Grammer. It was like... How sad that we're going to be celebrating Camille.

Somebody else's. The same day that we hear about our friend's split. So upsetting. I know. Those animals were crazy. They are interbreeding like it's not just the humans over there apparently because the breeders i was like oh that's where they got it it's in their dna literally like one's like chicken lady from uh what's that show with those guys love that show sarm stoner you know what i mean that you saw wear wigs and stuff the guys

from comedy channel anyway chicken lady um those animals were all crazy the people were in her that you saw wear wigs and stuff. The guys from Comedy Channel. Anyway, Chicken Lady. Those animals were all crazy. The people were interbred. Kids in the Hall? Kids in the Hall, thank you. And Lisa's running around with the baby donkey horse or whatever the hell that thing is. And Lisa Vanderpump tells inbreeder number one, she's like, what's wrong with that lame thing?

I know. I haven't liked her since she left Days of Our Lives. I'm talking about the donkey horse, darling. It's lame. She's like, well, if something's wrong with it, we would know by now. Darling, it can't move a leg. We do know by now, darling.

Well, they should have just called up the vet and been like, get over here right now. We have someone who's about to pay like $10,000 for this horse. Well, I know a vet mixed with a car dealer. I'll call him. What would you call him? Rosebud. Rosebud is injured. Rosebud is lame.

I hate that word. No way. she's calling it lame because it's the legit meaning of lame and then it makes me feel bad for calling so many people lame over the years because i'm really hurting lame people they're also fat shaming rosebud lisa was like it's a fat it's a fat little horse it's just fat what can i say it fat. It's a fat horse. I mean, I wouldn't do it. I can't tell you what to do because it's your horse. I mean, if I was pregnant with a horse, I wouldn't want you telling me what to do with my horse. It's my right. It's my body. It's my horse. So do what you want. I'll do what you want. It's a nightmare. This is a nightmare right now. I mean this this horse is out way past its curfew

a total nightmare could you imagine lisa rena literally has a nightmare about like a miniature donkey horse that walks with a limp it's my nightmare i can't get it out of my head and there it is a little fat donkey horse limping around nightmares are crazy why didn't lisa vanderpump just get one of the other little horses you know i mean just because this one's the smallest in the world just get one that's like three inches larger or there's like a you know there's like a mini horse farm in santa barbara just go up there dying just go up there well it's not that it's a mini horse it is that it's the second smallest in the world and they dropped that adjective this time this time it was the smallest in the world so

i don't know if like the smallest one died this week. It was super lame. It was even lamer. It says inbred horses. Like, you cannot go to horse emails anymore in the mall. You can't be going to Mini Horse Mart or whatever those stores are because they look cute, but then they all limp in and dying after three years. It's no good. Well, anyway, congratulations, Rose rosebud for the other one dying well but you can't just leave it there because

you know that thing's going to be turned into glue how many millionaires are looking for a baby horse for their you know about to expire husband exactly or at least their kids will be soon um by the way again i have to give props to l to Lisa Vanderpump because when she and Lisa Rinna were propped up against the car discussing Rosebud, Lisa, she was just wearing jeans and a white t-shirt and she just looked so sexy. And I'm a gay male. I was like, this woman, she still has it. Lisa Vanderpump? Lisa Vanderpump, I meant. Did I say Rinna?

I don't know. I don't remember. I'm just trying to picture both of them to see who you're talking about. Yeah, Rinna looks good too. But Lisa Vanderpump, I mean, when she was in the jeans and the white t-shirt, I mean, it was like a callback to old school Kelly LeBrock. I'm like, I have to bow down. Bow down at the altar.

You still have a little kinky hetero in you, Ben. A little kinky hetero. You kind of growled a little bit while you were talking about that. This is what happens. When I get oddly invested in little horse drama, strange things happen. I start looking at the wrong things. Well, I like that Lisa kind of pulled out her sir for this

one. She was like, listen here, interbreeder number one with a blurred out shirt that I don't understand. We're getting back into that stretch limousine. We're going back into that stretch limousine. We're going to a helipad, which is going to take us to a private plane, which is going to shoot us into space,

and we're going to be brought down by a satellite. And when I get home, I want to know that there's been a veterinarian here. I don't want Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman either. I don't like her. I met her at a party once. What a bitch. I want a detailed report on this horse,

and then we'll fly him in. I'm like, oh my god. So now you're just going to put this poor miniature donkey thing on Southwest Airlines or some shit. I know. I'm surprised that you didn't get someone from Pump to come by and be like, alright, Eric, show these breeders how a real horse should walk. Show him.

Show them now, right now. Alright. Listen here, Rosebud. I've brought Eric from Pump to show you how to walk. Rosebud, quickly, what pairs well with a steak? Come on now. Hey, you don't even know. You don't even know. Alright, Rosebud, we...

I had to break the bad news to you, but we had an undercover diner come to your stable, and this is what they told us about you. They said you didn't even serve them a margarita or a pumptini kill it make it midget glue happy birthday darling i've gotten you glued glue your little people together serves in a thimble so um i love so so then lisa calls up ken and she's now she's like really concerned about the situation she's like ken did you want a little horse if i'd gotten you a little horse anyway,

would you have wanted it? Uh, I don't know then. He's like, well, I don't know then would I have walked? This is,

this is quintessential rich people problems. But, but a little horse, would you want a little, it's not, it's not, do we need one?

Do you want one? I just, I don't want, I want you to want the little horse? It's not, do we need one? Do you want one? I just, I want you to want the little horse. I love that she went through this whole story so fast, and he didn't even blink an eye. He's like, uh, uh, hello? Hello there?

Tim, darling. All right, darling, listen. I know I sound like I've rounded the bend, all right, darling, but I'm here in Ohio. I didn't get in a rabbit race. I'm here in Ohio to buy a mini horse. You want a mini horse because I love mini horses, darling.

I wanted to be a special mini for you. Do you want it, darling? It's lame. Do you want it? We like lame things. We still like jiggy, darling. Do you want it?

I don't know, darling. Darling, as Rocio cleans your lint trap, I can't hear you over there, darling. All right, we'll leave it. I can't understand Ken, darling. Well, we'll leave it. I can't understand Ken, darling. Well, and then I love that Lisa, the way she, I love her sort of,

I don't know what you would call it, a protest, a rationalization, whatever. She goes, you know, I wouldn't have flown all the way across the country to get the smallest horse in the world, and it turns out to have one dodgy leg. Bust out the violins. But Lisa loves a broken hoe.

That's why I was surprised she didn't take it. Lisa has seen this broken little animal. But Rinna just wants to go. I mean, they've been there five hours. Rinna says on the way out, she's like, we've been here five hours. It's over. That is so hilarious that Bear Pumper's there five hours. What should I do, darling?

I mean, it needs me. Look at the little thing. It's fat, but I could help it with that. People only overeat because they need something I'm not giving them. Do you understand, Pandy? Come here, little horse. Oh, we could walk it around, sir, and pump him. Show off my little hoes. Oh, we could walk it around, sir, and pump him, show off my little filly.

Speaking of fat little donkey midgets, come here, Beulah. Come over here, darling. The cutest non-filly of them all. Come here. It's because I'm speaking in Vanderpump voice, you see. He came over with his head down like, I love you. Darling, come here.

Come to Papa, darling. So, meanwhile, back in la we have a random scene of erica at her rehearsal which again was very much of like leona at her rehearsal meet my author ego erica jane i'm like uh you're still the same yeah i was like what's different you're exactly the same you took off your like uh gabzooks sweatpants or whatever but otherwise still here you just got a big piece of fabric over your vagina and then everything else is see-through i don't understand any of this yeah she um she was uh she was basically working on a number for, I don't know where she was going to perform. I think it was maybe a Valvoline.

She was getting her choreography done. And she's like, this is cracking me up. A Valvoline? I'm just imagining it. So she's like, I love the choreography. She's like, Pat the puss, pat the puss, drop it down, bounce, crawl, kitty cat, meow. Fosse fingers, fosse fingers.

When you walk into a room of flamingos like that, and they're all laughing and pointing and applauding and woohooing, you know you look like a hoe. Because we're only laughing like that because you're so ridiculous. We love a train wreck, darling. Get a straight person to help you out. Get a straight person with a selection of trench coats. Pat the puss. Pat the puss. Pat the puss.

Pat the puss. Drop it down and bounce. I'm surprised she didn't come running in. She's like, I can do my choreography. Oh. Sorry. I was picturing that uh they showed kind of a little montage of her music while she was describing what she does and she's like i'm by night i'm erica jane i'm sex erica jane's sexy she doesn't give a f okay she's fucking an old guy she's proud of it okay one of One of my songs is Painkiller. And another song is Destinor.

Because they're all spelled wrong. They're all missing... Sorry, this Painkiller is starting. I was going to... Do it. No, that's perfect. I'll just talk for 10 hours. Painkiller.

Welcome, Painkiller. This is what we call generic gay circuit party music. She's writhing on a bed. I love a good garage band dance song. Painkiller, by the the way with no E. Oh god. Make it stop. The video is all ridiculous.

Now she's dancing in front of a giant fan. Pain killer. Drop the beat. This is the guy. this is exactly like what you hear at the abbey you go to the abbey and this is on repeat and can't be came to singing it yeah just writhing alright I'm stopping it yeah that's enough I mean how much do we need

the entire first verse was about swallowing I mean can you write this shit it's amazing she has a song with Flo Rida that's crazy well you know maybe that's where she got the whole spelling things wrong no I mean good for her.

Actually, it is spelled right. It just has an apostrophe, right? No, it's just a space. Flo Rida. Yeah, there you go. She's like, I don't want to do your thing where I just put a space, so I'll do yesterday's thing and just leave out a vowel.

Yesterday. Oh my god, that's a very back yesterday yesterday arizel um you know what uh i mean she looks great in the video it's just i can't i i personally don't like generic circuit party music it's just just sort of a thin it's always like a thin beat it's not really about the music it's just like people getting being on drugs and then watching some weirdo animatronic flesh bot thing like writhing around on stage putting her big ass in your face all the time like seriously i can't believe some of that was even on bravo i was like get your ass crack wide open like you're about to i don't know stamp me like get that thing out of my face lady

i know it actually you know it's funny talking about bliona it reminds me of um remember uh we made that song by uh what's her face a font fanny we made a font a funny song honestly that's a fucking amazing song and it was actually good, though, because I think it was about a dinner party. Fonny, Fonny, dinner party. Fonny, Fonny, Fonny. I'm trying to find it right now. But basically, Erika Jayne's song, ours was really, it was like a joke,

and it's not that far. Oh, here it is. I have it. It's a 30-second song, and it's really not that different from Erika Jayne's. Here we go. I know what it was like. We're going to party. I'm funny. I'm funny... Here we go. I bet Erika Jayne is actually jealous of this song.

So good. Erica Jane is going to re-record that and call it Phony. Leave out the A. So good. Yeah, I don't know. You're married to an older guy, but that doesn't make you younger, darling. You're too old to be shoving your ass crack in my face. Self-tap aware.

Come out with a line of scarves or purses or wine, for Christ's sake. I know. So let's see. So where were we in this ridiculous show? Talking to gays. None of us want to buy your ass, all right? So we've gone on a tangent. Let's get back to the show. I'm talking about plenty of gays. None of us want to buy your ass, all right? So we've gone on a tangent. Let's get back to the show.

Funny. Funny. So Lisa is throwing a birthday party for Ken. It's the 70th birthday party. She's having a luncheon. She's having a dress rehearsal for Ken's wake.

Come to lunch. It's going to be lunch. And in case anyone falls asleep, there will be a tree of hats in front because I know none of you own one. Yeah.

She's getting everything ready. There's even a hanky cameo. She goes, don't poo on the bridge, hanky. Don't poo on the bridge. Meanwhile, it's the black swans who've been pooing all this time framing hanky for it. He's like, rah, rah. He's pointing at them. He's pointing at them as they're like shitting behind her.

She's like, what? He's like, it's behind you. She's like, what? What are you pointing it's behind you. She's like, what? What are you pointing at, Hanky? They're just like diarrhea-ing. Mommy's having a party today. Do not frame Hanky, alright? Hanky, you've been a bad

swan. No more food for you because you have pooing everywhere. And she's like, meh. And then we have she, she, she, darling, barely hair, belly hair, darling, she, she, she. Oh, you want me to get a cotton candy so people can walk around and have something to suck? She's like, no, darling,

just be quiet over there. Darling, quiet over there, Kevin, she, she, just get me a giant chair to sit in, darling, a throne. Ah, throne! You're sitting on a throne at Ken's party darling so so then

everything she says is like she's so amused I know so then the party starts and we have some familiar well familiar I was gonna say faces but more like familiar personas familiar body frames Taylor and Camille are back. They come.

And everyone's there for Ken's birthday. Everyone's having a great time. And Lisa Rinna shows up with one of those, like, horsey stick things. And everyone's, like, laughing. And my favorite was that there's this guy named Mossy who's one of their friends. And he goes, oh, great job, Rinna. I'm like, who are you, Moss mossy and why are you telling why are you calling her rinna she's not your friend they probably are friends um taylor came in and it

was like that scene of an end of the world movie where the earth just opens up close your mouth has nobody taught you to close mouth smile yet, darling? You're scaring the swans, darling. She's like, ah! Oh, my God, it's Taylor, darling. Hide your children. I know. I know. But I was so happy.

What are you reading right now? Someone just messaged me on Skype, and I had no idea who it was. I got distracted. Someone named Dil. I know when you're reading the internet i can see it someone named dill no dill all right i do not talk to pickles on skype i'm in a relationship well anyway um so taylor was there their giant mouth and camille so they all sit down at the table and they're all chatting and then taylor just goes off on

yolanda it was amazing she was like she's like i don't understand the deal like one moment's a happy selfie then it's a sad selfie then a happy selfie then sad stuff it's like i don't want to see like needles in your in your arm every two seconds she's basically saying what we're all thinking she goes she goes i'm trying to follow her on insta but i just it's so hard following somebody with needles in their arms in every other picture like you're trying she's like i'm trying to put some effort into this friendship by following her but it's really hard scrolling past those needles so good did taylor and yolanda crossover yes Yes. Don't you remember at David's? She's still pissed because she's best friends with David's ex-wife,

What's-Her-Buns. And then at that dinner party when Yolanda's like, I would like to announce David, my love, my king, singing a beautiful song with his Grammys. And then Kyle and What's-Her-Buns kept laughing. It's like, shush, there's nothing more disgusting than a drunk woman. Yeah. Yeah, Taylor has hated Yolanda from the beginning.

Yeah, so they hate each other. Mainly because of allegiance to Linda. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So that was funny because Taylor was just going off. What? What's with this line? Right, guys?

I mean, anyone else? She's telling the whole table. Like, dang, girl. She's like, I'm smelling misdiagnosis. And, you know, Lisa Rinna, I think it was Lisa Rinna or maybe it was Eileen. I don't remember. They were like, well, she's really overstepping. But come on.

She's saying what everyone's thinking. And she's saying it to Lisa Rinna. Like, Lisa Rinna has to agree with you because you have mouth solidarity. Get out of here, lady. That's not a thing. Lisa Rinna's like, why is she putting this all on me i'm the nice one okay say this to somebody else and then kyle's just like trying not to laugh over there with her botox veins loved it that was delicious and taylor was kind of right but i like that everybody else because they've really made it look like the ladies go after yolanda hard this. And it's nice that these ladies are smart enough to let other idiots do it.

And then they can just still pretend to be nice. And they're doing a good job so far of that, I think. Yeah, I agree. Mostly blameless, don't you think? I mean, so far. Oh, you can't wait to see that crumble. Well, anyway, so after this Taylor moment, then it's like raining or whatever. And next thing you know, the women are all frolicking in the pool.

And in my mind, I'm like, what about the mic packs? What about the mic packs? Unless they were waterproof already, which may have been because they were – you could actually hear them pretty well in the pool. So they probably were waterproof and it was probably preplanned. Anyhoo, so they were frolicking in the pool. And then Taylor's's gay you remember taylor's gay was there and he's the one was his name dwight was like why i think yeah she has uh the other dwight right i think doesn't isn't his name dwight i think so he was the one who pushed

he pushed ken in the pool i'm like what are you doing that man is 70 years old why are you pushing him into the shallow end of the pool yeah where, where there's like one inch of water. You push a fucking guy right on his ass. Not cool. But then Ken immediately saw Rinna's boobs and the smile on his face is so hilarious. I took a screenshot. I was dying. He's just like, oh, I'm still alive.

He's like, oh, I'm dying and gone to heaven. But exactly. And I love Eileen was like, well, I mean, got to save the shoes. They're expensive. And you see her. She's like rapidly like untying the shoes, trying to get them out of the water. She's putting that shit on eBay to pay off the online poker bill. Absolutely.

Bless her heart. I think next week Vince calls her an idiot. You know what, Vinceince you better watch it okay i i know you think you've gone through a lot in life but you have not gone through the hate of housewives fans okay that is a wrath nobody wants to live through they'll rip you apart good luck with that yeah good luck good luck clear and you know aileen's gonna give him the ford clear and you know aileen's gonna give him the ford so be like goodbye take the ford getting a beamer fucker yeah finally yeah but i can be rich without you blowing my money do you like how i've just made up this whole thing that he's a gambling addict that there's no evidence

of that they played poker and he says he likes poker or whatever or is he a pro i seem to think i think he was like a pro or no he i mean he hosts or he produced um like one of those like world series of poker sort of shows said it so many times i really believe now that he's gambling but i'm the only person who said it was it came from last year because they said something they she said that i think at one point that when they go to vegas they like to gamble and they like to gamble hard something something along those lines. And then she said she was going to like stop working and then she started working again. And so you inferred that like basically they are crazy. Like they have a gambling problem.

And, you know, why not? We just ran with it. Yeah, it's working for me. I'm like totally believing it now. I'm like sunglasses at night. Your husband has a problem, Missy. Own it. Own it.

The devil version of Rinna's voice. Own it, Missy. Own it. Okay, so let's move on. Right? It's over? Yeah, let's do it. This is minute one hour 38.

Wow, guys. Not bad. So we spent an hour talking about Beverlyly hills we've only got eight more hours to go well workout doesn't have to be a long a long one okay you know i did write a lot about workout and you're right it does not need this much discussion these people are gross i hate them all i want them to die and that's pretty much the end i don don't like, look, I'm all for you guys getting healthy and working out and stuff. But these are fame whores without personality. So they're like the same kind of needy, I don't know, fame whore.

It's the only word I can think of. Why don't we go through some of the people on the show? Do you want to do that? Actually, no, we'll go through your notes because you actually took time to write notes. Yeah, that's just a general general they all have that neediness of reality star people but they don't have the personality the talent they don't have anything they're just no matter how hard no matter how hard courtney tries work body work bitch poor courtney he he could he really has a hard time reading the lines that are fed to him he's

like you know in new york city the hardest part about being a trainer is waking up in the morning because at night you want to stay up so by the way i'm not sick i'm coughing up this vegetable juice or whatever the hell is in these. Replace these electric cigarette things. Gross. Anyway, I'm smoking this. I'm coughing up vegetable things while we're talking about a fitness show. Take that workout.

So it starts with, these days, everyone wants to be a trainer. I'm like, hmm. Yeah, no. Yes, everyone does like i know that like when i graduated from college the first thing i thought was okay now i can finally pursue my dream of being a trainer honey do you want to be a doctor a lawyer or someone who yells push up push up push up it's your choice yeah these these people i mean I mean, I know that what they're saying was probably fed to them by the producers to try to amp it up. But when they talk about, like, everyone wants to be a trainer, but do you have what it's got, what you need? Like, being a trainer is like being a celebrity.

I was like, just calm down. Everyone wants to try and hire that. You can't be one unless you have what it takes to make it to the top. I'm like, what's the top? Like a nicer gym that you rent out by the hour? Shut up. Like, what are you talking about? And they're like, you have to have what it takes.

And the cut-stove girl going, okay, you can do another push-up. You can do it. You can do it. Changing the world one muffin top at a time. Jesus. So there's a girl who used to be in musicals, I think, or something. She's a musical dancer. And I like her because I've known her like 100 times in my life.

And we're always best friends. And she always sticks up for me in front of other people. But then she talks about me behind my back. But I still forgive her because I know she's future fat. And she's dependable for the long term. And she has it's i don't know why she's even there because she has this like sassy midwestern mom haircut i'm like what are you doing in a show about new york city it seems but to her that was posh spice i know that's what i love about this girl because i know you gosh spice that damp posh

spice really unleashed a blight on the women of America. My goodness. She nailed down one of the hottest, richest men in the world. I mean, everyone's going to try that hair at least once. I would if I had hair. So these people are dumb. Okay, so what am I saying? Goo, go, go, go, boy.

Okay, so some of the fun drama in this show, just that the people are so not so what am i saying goo go go go boy okay so some of the fun drama in this show are just that the people are so not self-aware they have this what is the go-go boy's name i just write his name is jason maybe i think it's jason he is the guy who as i mentioned last week he used to work in fashion and now he is a trainer um but then uh like some of like like courtney who is the courtney is like the vin diesel one uh he's the gay vin diesel or vin diesel according to some people um and then uh you can't do that man and then he's that's too manly i'm trying to do it because it's kind of like he talks like this he talks like this. He talks like this. He's like, girl, girl, yo, where are you?

Joe, oh, his name is Joe. Go, go, Joe. Go, go, Joe works at a gay bar. You know, it's actually kind of funny that the one who is the meanest to him and the one who is sort of like is the most homophobic to him is the gay guy. You know, classic like self-loathing gay guy. He's like, he works at a gay bar. Oh, he wears dresses. He's like, he is actually the least accepting of Joe,

and he should be the most. Well, you would think, but it's more than just gayness, because Joe doesn't own his gayness, and you know he is, at least a little. He does. He's like, yeah, I'm metrosexual. I'm into fashion. I like all this stuff. I mean, Joe's annoying in and of itself, but I've been on Joe's side for for all the arguments but i think that with

courtney it's also just an age thing because courtney's old i mean he says 35 so like what 42 he's old for that new york city being 42 is like being 65 but i i still have it girl no you're pretty much like 65. Like literally you're a 65-year-old queen in a 35-year-old's body. Or, you know, like a 30-year-old's body with a 45-year-old's face. It's all very weird with all this working out. It changes so much of your – nothing matches. Like your face doesn't match your body.

It's weird. I mean hot. You guys are doing a great job on that answer. Yeah, they're all hot. They're all hot. So anyway, yeah, he's really mean. That guy is just kind of like old queen-y stuff. It's basically Kenya Moore lines the whole time.

And she steals from drag queens, so there you go. But there's one girl in this who makes me really crazy. The main girl. What's her name? Layla. How does she talk? She talks like this. She's kind of a donkey voice. But yeah, I think it's kind of like this. And she's always talking about how hot she is.

She's like, oh, you know, I'm so hot. It's, like, hard being so hot. I'm like, you know, if you can't deal with it, then just, like, don't be around me. Because, like, I'm a trou troublemaker a hot troublemaker like when am i gonna get to blow you babe like when am i gonna get to suck your dick for real babe baby you're gonna like fuck me though please stop talking please forever find a way to just eat your tongue do something just make this girl quiet i know she is. She and her boyfriend, Jay, are like one of those awful couples that – we all know about the fighting couples who are terrible in and of themselves.

But these two are like a subset of the fighting couples that's even worse where she actively does things to piss him off. But then he, when he gets pissed off, acts like a total baby. And so just when you should be on his side, then you're on her side, and you realize, like, ugh, I just don't want to be around any of these people. Yeah, they're both awful. They go to Courtney's boot camp, and Courtney's like, When you my age, you go to have a boot camp, girl. Circle suit. And when you might, you got to have a boot camp girl.

You just made him Cheshire. It seems like it would be so easy to do his voice, but he's like, I don't know. I feel like I have no problem. Of course, who knows what mine actually sounds like? What it sounds like in my head versus what it sounds like on the podcast are two different things. But he's like, all right. Now mine's messed up because he got in my head. He got Cheshire in my head.

Oh, I changed smoking. It feels like he should be from London, but he's not. He's got like a New York accent, but it's like from New Orleans. I don't know. Now mine's messed up. Thanks, Ronnie. Sorry. You ruined my Courtney. Sorry.

You ruined my Courtney. Courtney blocked you. Court blocked. up. Thanks, Ronnie. You ruined my Courtney. You ruined my Courtney. Courtney blocked you. But he has a boot camp and he splits up people, like the workout partner's gonna do something, and then she's like, I'm gonna work with Noah. I'm gonna work with Noah. And she's like, what is it?

She's like, ass down, head up, whatever. Hey, hey, Jay, do you see this? Noah has his face in my vagina jay jay and he's like i couldn't courtney is courtney is like oh my god just you know what do corny basically just do like joan rivers like black joan rivers dead that's that's basically what it is dead it's like how she sounds in her grave she's like oh yeah so um so then jay gets mad because she's but he shouldn't really be getting mad because it's no i can't with them okay he whines

the whole time she's a dumb whore okay that's it i can't with those two and also that girl's a butterface with ronald mcdonald hair i don't even i can't with those two. And also, that girl's a butterface with Ronald McDonald hair. I don't even, I can't with her. She needs to go away. Go to school, read a book. Very Fraggle Rocky. She's very Fraggle Rocky. So she, the big fight in this was the Go-Go Boy. The guys on this, by the way, except for Courtney, I don't think Courtney is, but the other guys

are all on, and I know I say it every week, but the whole world's on it. Those guys are like snorting Adderall, taking diet. They're doing everything in the book. Cocaine, caffeine, snorting the caffeine like the girl on Homeland. She's like, what? It gets my bloodstream faster. Jazz wrestling. Because they all talk like this, and they all repeat themselves, and they don't know what they're saying.

I think it's just New Yorkers. New York, New Jersey people. Oh, no. I lived in New York for 10 years. That's no, no, no. I get no nonsense and all of that, but they talk so fast. They're like, man, bro, blah, blah, blah. Well, the main drama of the episode kicked off with the fact that Noah was invited to be a host for this GQ party, which is cool. I mean, I would be

excited. I'm a leader of the community. This shows that I'm a respected member of the community, and this really elevates me, and now I'm a face. I'm a brand. I'm in the community. Now, don't get me wrong. If GQ called up and said, hey, we want

to have a party, and we want you to be one of the hosts of it, I'd be so psyched. they hire whores to be the hosts of parties male and female a host of a party means you walk around the party and say hello to people that's what they hire hot people to do you're not a member of the like a esteemed member of the community because you're a whore hot enough to get paid to walk around with the drink in your cotton camo shirt get out of here he's acting like he just got a spot on entertainment tonight or something because you're a whore hot enough to get paid to walk around with a drink in your cotton camo shirt. Get out of here. He's acting like he just got a spot on Entertainment Tonight or something.

So then he starts talking about how he's like, it's his brand. He's building his brand. And honestly, to be honest, this scene when he called his parents and told them about it and talked about building up his brand, I actually didn't mind that. I was like, fine. Sure. Oh, fuck them. Fuck his parents too.

No, I was like, you he got he was invited to be a host of a party that's pretty cool he's excited to call his parents that's cool and he's wanting to use it to build his brand as a trainer fine perfectly fine at that point but then so then there's this guy what what a prick this guy and i want to say uh when i say fuck his parents too it's because he calls and he's like mom dad i'm gonna be the face of the neighborhood i'm in the community i'm gonna do this party and his dad's like that's good because you'll build your brand and i was like oh my god even the dads are telling their children like that's your dadly advice now to go build a brand ah fuck you too

did no i i didn't have a problem with that because, you know, as a trainer, anyone who's doing anything sort of like freelancy or whatever, you do have to build your brand. Just like we built the Krappens brand. I'm saying at this point, I'm like okay with it. But here's where I start to get annoyed. So then there's this girl from Queens who is – she's trying to make it and she's going to take pictures for her website. And so Courtney on on board he'll do photo he'll do the photo shoot and uh he's gonna ask noah uh to participate also so courtney goes to this shoe store with noah and joe and noah and joe are having like this big bromance

and but of course it's like i keep on this is one of those shows i'm really afraid it's gonna become like vanderpump rules to me because this is how i reacted to vanderpump rules at first which is that like i hate this person no i hate this person no i hate this person i hate them all no like i literally hate these people i don't see anything redeeming about one of them that's what i do remember the first episode of vanderpump rules do you remember how how much we just went in on them we hated it and now now look. But either way. This is no Vanderpump Rules. No, I agree. Vanderpump Rules is its own special thing.

So they go to the shoe store and Courtney is once again being obnoxious to Joe. So I'm like, be nice to Joe, Courtney. But then he asks Noah to be on this thing. Actually, he had even called him beforehand. But he's Noah to be be on this thing actually he'd even called him beforehand

but he's asking again to be in this photo shoot and Noah's like well the thing is I'm building my brand and you know I it depends on the sponsorships and like I can't be making him too nice and uh I have to stop you because Courtney's like so I wanted to ask you about doing that photo shoot for that poor person, young person. And he's like, well, Brad, the first thing I'd say is like, like my first reaction would be no, because I have a brand. And like, I would have to like, no, if my brand's in line with her brands, because like, it's a big deal now.

Like I'm not just a trainer now. I'm like a brand. I'm a face. I'm in the community now. And then the other shallow go-go boy guy, who's also the other coke head is like, yeah, man, like brands. Like we have our brands. You know what I mean? Like brands.

Like you can't wear this brand with that brand because if you're in this magazine with that – like you guys have no brands. What are you talking about? You're a party whore and you don't – your shirt isn't even a brand. It's like Old Navy. Shut up about your brands, you dick. Yeah, so this is where i got annoyed it's one thing it's one thing to say earlier on to be like okay i'm gonna build up my brand but it's another to act as if your brand is something at this moment and it's not like you can you can

be in a photo in the background with what tina whatever her face is tia tequila i don't remember what her name is but But she is like, he's like, well, my products and their products, I have to make sure. I don't want to have a conflict. What are you talking about? You are not a spokesperson for Nike. He literally said I have to align my brands. Oh my god.

You are like, I'm sorry, you probably have some Shark Tank nutrition bar. And that's it. They'd be so happy to have your face in someone else's website for them you know and the thing is i'm not it's not even like dissing the profession obviously like be healthy workout train people to do it that's awesome it's just the general fame hornyness of these people and it's in every it's every religion sorry religions it's in every profession now like everybody is like my brand my brand my brand you don't have a brand you sell by

the hour and try and get likes on instagram for business just like the rest of us shut up bitch i have i have a slightly different view i do think that people are can build a brand but just because you can and and it is it is important to build a brand but doesn't mean that you have a brand with a capital b necessarily like you have to work towards it before you can really start saying that like no one says my brand my brand no one no one with an actual brand walks around talking about my brand and how to improve my brand you're a douchebag if you want to make a brand, obviously, that's what the world is. It's all brands, right? I get it.

It's just the douchiness of like you're building your brand. No, you're not. You're a fucking fitness trainer, dude. Shut up. You don't even have any sponsorships. Get out of here. Well, thank God the nice lesbian Holly pulled him aside at this GQ party and was like, listen, you know, like it's just a photo and she's like really established and she legitimately is i i did some background information checking on her and she's like

for real like a superstar in like in like new york like spin circles um but like he's like i don't know he's like i respectfully disagree and she and she's like it's just a photo and he's like, I respectfully disagree. And she's like, it's just a photo. And he's like, my brand, my brand. She's like, yeah, but fine. You can't say that. You can't say my brand. Just say, I don't think I can do it. You know?

Yeah, and she said, I helped him when he needed it. So that he won't help her when she needs it is gross. And she's trying to tell him that. And he's so on his own high horse. He's like, no, you know what? I respectfully disagree, but I wouldn't tell you how to run your business, and I wouldn't come into your business and start telling you how to do things and what decisions to make and what brands you're going to align with. And she's like, dude, I'm just saying, if you take a picture for this,

she's like, no one cares. Like, take the picture. No, man, I wouldn't tell you. It's not like you're taking a picture for the Al Qaeda website, all right? It's just another trainer. It's not going to mess up. Well, that he would do because that's a legitimate brand, at least, that people know. This fucking shallow piece of shit.

He'd be like, they're everywhere. Have you seen their social media? Shut up. You know what's ruining his brand? That giant oversized teddy bear in his apartment. That's ruining his brand right there. Oh, darling. Nothing says sorry about your penis like

veins that come out like fucking pipes. Get out of here. You look ridiculous. Read a book. The only other major controversy in this episode was once again resurfacing of the argument from episode

one where Layla wants to know where Joe gets his money and so this is an example of where now i'm on joe's side because she's just like i mean like you could just calm down girl like like who cares where he gets his money from who cares he's you know if it's shady like like you know that girl tried pole dancing and she's such a butterface she made like 10 of what everybody else made and And to see a successful, beautiful, like legitimately beautiful person making that money when she couldn't. I'm sure she's jealous. But also, he's disgusting too.

I hate him. That guy, all he does is talk about his, not even his brand, but what brands he's wearing. And all the shit that he's bought with it. And he's like, oh, what time is it? This watch was $50,000 and my shoes are $20,000. You know, like I'm all about scarves that are made out of ostrich skin and they're like more than $50,000.

So he's obnoxious. So I was glad when she brought him down a peg. Yeah. Yeah, no, I mean, that's the thing. You know, Bravo has a unique ability to put shows on the air

where you just can't tell from scene to scene who you hate the most. Like one scene, you hate this person the most and you sort of like that person. The next scene the person you sort of like, you're like, oh, no, I hate them the most. And then someone else. You know, it just goes – it's like a wheel of fortune. The thing that makes me fun is at the end there's always someone I like or that I identify with in some weird way or feel bad for or something.

I mean I have to kind of like them in a way too. And I just don't see it happening. I was so mad. I mean, I have to kind of like them in a way too. And I just don't see it happening. I was so like Holly, when I was going off just a minute ago, I actually had a head rush. Like a tingly head rush because I was yelling so much. And it felt amazing. And that makes me love this show because I love the anger. Oh, I haven't been that mad in a long time. It made me feel good. Good for you. Well, I workout holly i like holly the lesbian i also also keep watching i like holly i like that they're putting on a real lesbian because i feel like well they put on rosie but that was kind of by accident i feel like sometimes

these shows give like the hollywood version of a lesbian where it's like everyone's a lipstick lesbian. Like everyone's really fashionable. And I like my aunt Josie represented on TV, you know? Yeah. Good. I like. She's going after this hot young girl way too young for her. And she's like, yeah, I'm going to have her do my pictures for me because I need to get laid too.

Right, guys. And so she has this coffee date with the girl and the girl's like well um i have pictures on my website she's like oh yeah tell me more about it because i've wanted to talk to you since i saw your instagram because you're like an artist am i right you're an artist deep down she's like yeah like i'm an artist she's totally acting like a really over trying guy at a bar or something and then the young girl gets a text and she's like oh that's from my boyfriend and then the lesbian's like oh fuck it i didn't even ask if she had a boyfriend god i'm an idiot and then she just starts swiping through her phone and completely ignores the girl the rest she's time. She's like, back to Tinder. She is a man.

Think like a man? That's exactly what Hollywood thinks. The manliest man on Bravo, darling. Welcome. Welcome to my life, lady. Yeah. Love her. So that was basically Workout, unless you have any other last comments.

I can't commit to anything. Listen to me. I hate this show. And now I'm like, I love her love her i'm gonna watch it next week damn it what happens ronnie we're just gonna watch it let's just accept it i'm i'm along for the ride you know we have by the way we in january things can get real crazy because we have uh workout we have so on january 2nd what's something starts on january 2nd or 2016 it It's going to be so different than 2015. We have Newlyweds the first year coming up. And then Potomac is coming up. So, gosh, we need to get our Patreon up so we can start doing our third episode.

We have a lot of shows to cover now. I know. Yeah, go to Patreon because we start doing three a week. Well, we are not going to do three a week until we reach our goal. We have a goal on Patreon. I know, that's a huge goal, too. That's a big one. I don't know.

All right, so let's move on. What do you want to do next? Well, you know, we went from Beverly Hills to New York, and I think it's time to go six more hours to the east over to Cheshire. Cheshire. Cheshire. The real house walls.

Cheshire. Cheshire. Cheshire. Oh, Cheshire. Cheshire. Cheshire. The real house walls. Cheshire. Cheshire. Cheshire. Oh, Cheshire. This show, I watched after we recorded our last podcast, and I think we talked for four-something hours that day on the phone.

I was like, I cannot take any more Bravo, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I wanted to eat something, and I turned on Cheshire to watch like a cartoon. I've laughed so many times out loud at this show. I'm loving, loving, loving this show. It is hilarious.

It is hilarious. They do need to get their stories. They do have to sort of maybe add a little oomph to the stories because really it's like every episode is nothing, nothing, nothing. Truly nothing. It's like maybe a spa treatment at best. Maybe it's like going into a cryogenic freeze chamber. And then like a polite argument in the last five minutes.

Like I would like to build up. Although this week though, this week, whoa. Whoa. Whoa, Leanne. Whoa, Leanne. Whoa, Leanne. There was some fighting. My biggest failure of the week is that I did not record Magali going...

Biggest failure. Why did I not record that? Magali's sound effects were out of control this week. They were out of control. So good. The only thing I recorded was... She's like Jetsons. she's like jetsons leanne like a flying car i say to her leanne stop flying your car and she go

leanne leanne like clown clown the only sound I recorded this week and I don't even remember the context of it so I'll just play it now because I don't remember what happened in the show this is the only thing I recorded and I was rude what I said I was like what I didn't even know what it was say it again and I was rude what I said

and I was like wait what did she say i had to listen to it five times before i even understood what she was saying that woman speaks in captcha code yeah and it was rude what i said but at first i was like oh thank you but while you got into the website i'd still be outside like damn it i can't log in for another five minutes. I've tried too many times. You're so sad. Okay, so this episode starts with Tanya. She's like, oh, I'm a

life coach. I'm sorry, I have to get these voices in my head, but she's going to have a meeting between Leanne, the boring one, and Magali, the sound effect. Because they've gotten a fight at her book launch. She's saying, I'm a life coach. Silly soccer dudes.

Make them laugh at each other. It's going to be that hard. Leanne is wearing this body. She's wearing like a black long-sleeved bodysuit that goes up to her neck like a turtleneck and then a quaker dress over that to go have a fight with magali because she's mad that magali didn't tell everybody that she's a stripper yeah oh my god dressing like a Quaker to confront someone for not telling people that you used to be a table dancer. How could she do that? I'm going to give a piece of my mom that one.

She was going to tell people. She's going to say it to my face over a cup of tea. She's going to tell me I was a table dancer. This is the dumbest line I've ever seen. I mean, anything. I'm proud of my past. Why is she not going to say what out of the table, dancer. This is the dumbest line I've ever seen. I mean, anything. I'm proud of my past. Why is she not going to say what I did in the past?

But no one even said anything. No one has ever even said a thing. This is so good. So they go to this restaurant, and then they're waiting for Magali. Did I miss one? Well, no. They go to the restaurant, But then we cut to before the restaurant, though. They go to the restaurant, and then it cuts to Dawn instead. Oh, yeah.

Because every scene takes an hour in this show. Yeah. So while they're getting ready at the restaurant, then we have Dawn. And she's doing a photo shoot with her children. And I wrote down. Oh, she's getting into. So their daughter ashley wants to put on like a jumpsuit whatever and don's like no you can't put on me jumpsuit for it

jeans and t-shirt only for ashley ashley i won't do this for ashley so um yes we meet all the non dobby children who are all these blonde children and then she's got dobby kind of off to the side like so we meet all the kids and she's trying to get them dressed for something and she has like the blonde teenager on the phone all the time he's like mom the thing is you can't understand what what don and the and the daughter are saying to each other, the blonde one. They're like, I enjoy this. Many times. Oh, mom. Oh, mom. All right.

Tell her about the bass. Oh, shut up. So then they finally all get dressed in their like jeans and t-shirt And then they like assemble in the basement Like in the rec room to have a photo shoot taken Like on a couch There's like a frame hanging It's like a picture frame that's on the floor And then they assemble in the basement, like in the rec room, to have a photo shoot taken. Like on a couch, there's a frame hanging. It's like a picture frame that's on the floor in the background.

The least scenic group photo of all time. And then the older daughter swallows her chewing gum. Don't swallow your chewing gum, Taylor. Dobby's like, yes, I will. We're taking a picture for your father. If he loves his ladies, there's four children. I love children. I was dreamt of having them ever since I was a little girl as a child. Because my pa had 20 children.

My pa was one of 20 children. And I was an only child. Just like I always wanted to have my sisters. I want more children. It's up my sisters. I want more children. It's up to me if I want more children or if the hysterectomy is going to take the children. I'm like, oh, my God. All roads lead back to your goddamn hysterectomy. Here we go again.

And then she starts this whole, like, well, I can't look at these kids and think about how I might not have another children. I'm like, lady, you do not need to be dropping more children, okay? Hysterectomy or not, stop it. You've got four. You need to retire at some point. Who is to say I can't have more just because I've got four doesn't mean I have to stop. I want more of me children. I want more of me DNA to go out there.

Nicola, get over here with the turkey baster. It won't be any different. Having a kid at this age, it'll just be cute at this. Yes, there is a difference, all right? Your other kid's got, like, a new womb. This kid's about to get, like, an about-to-be-demolished rental, okay? It's not the same thing, Tony. Darby, I don't care what you say.

I'm still going to get another child out of this before the hysterectomy. Before me hysterectomy, I get another child, Darby, I don't care what you say. I'm still going to get another child out of this before the hysterectomy. Before my hysterectomy, I get another child, Darby. I can't imagine a life where I'll throw a dinner party and I won't have to worry about someone's base. Stop dropping children. Stop. You're littering. It makes me crazy.

Stop littering your DNA all over the earth. We're already overcrowded enough. Gonna have a creme de la creme ball for another son. That's what it is. I'm just gonna line up there on stirrups and everyone's gonna put a turkey base in me till I get a boy. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real.

I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that.

Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten,

curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death.

Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So then we go back to the car, right? Yeah. So now we're at the lunch with Magali. I've got real butterflies now. I've got real butterflies. And Tanya's like, I think I can see her car.

I think I can see her car pulling up. And her car is like, She just goes in reverse on purpose just for the extra sound effect. All the beep, beep, beep is terrifying me. And Magali's like, my car go beep, beep, beep. And I go vroom, vroom, vroom. And we park the car.

I'm like, whoa, car. The car go slam. And I say, yes, I'm about to slam her. Boop, boop, boop. Ding, ding. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming. Have a nice day.

So then Magali, she explains to us what her tactic is going to be. She's like, if she nice, I'll be nice. If she mean, I'll be mean. And I'll say to Tanya, Tanya, you tried. Good luck with your friend. And you, fuck off. If she nice, I'll be good person. If she no, I say, no, no, no. Boop, boop, boop. You, knows, I'd be a good person. If she know, I'd say, no, no, no.

Boop, boop, boop. You, you, you. Slut. No. Dumb. No. Bye. I tried.

I tried. When I go. Did I lose you, Ronnie? No. Oh. I'm here. What'd you say? Maybe we lost for a second.

I was like, oh, no. No, I just said, I tried. I tried. It's because the accent. I was waiting for the rest of the sentence no no that's that's how mcgully mcgully truncates her own her own sentences just you know what i tried you know what mcgully i tried what is there a doorbell no that is me opening up a door of opportunity to say fuck off leanne whoa i'm really steaming now oh no no so this was so funny so she comes in and tanya's like all right girls here we are having looks together say you girls you need a little makeup do you wait even before that when magali shows up and she's like just like whoa whoa tanya hello hello

and then she just looks at leanne she gives this look it looks like she just is staring at like a bucket of spilled intestines she's like whoa just this nasty look at leanne it was amazing and leanne is terrified i mean she's getting nervous because Leanne just keeps going up against Magali with nothing. And it's so funny. Like, she has nothing on her. So it's like the third fight already. So she starts going. Magali's like, just give me a good outlook.

And Leanne's like, well, I hear you're saying things. So why don't you just say it then? Say it! Say it! Say it! Because Leanne is all boring and soft-spoken, and then she just starts screaming. And then Magali, Magali has the funniest defense over and over again.

She's like, I could throw more in your face if I want to. I could throw more. But I'm like, whoa, whoa. I tried to throw, but I said, whoa, Leanne, whoa, Leanne. There's no point in me to say. I don't say it because there's no point in me to say it.

And so I don't say. You can say. I can say. They can say. No one say. I no say. Then do it. No, I say no.

Why do it, guys? She starts going off on her. And Magali goes, look at my eye look at my eye and then she tells us i do not do this to people because if she do that then she do that and i believe if you have a glass house do not throw stripper on it or break the roof because glass break easy crash crash crash oh no oh no clean clean mop mop mop mop. She's like, whoa, Leanne. Leanne has stone, but I have brick. And when I have brick, I can make a wall.

And she make a stone wall, and I make a brick wall. And I look at our walls, and we go, whoa, two walls. A glass house. Leanne live in house with glass. Leanne live in house made out of glass. And I look down, and I see her dancing on table. And I said, no, no, no, no, no. I put blanket over the glass roof so no one see.

So there you go. Tell me I'm a bad friend. Boop, boop, boop. You know, I could say things about the architectural integrity of a glass house. But no, I won't. Because you have children. Whoa. I can't believe we didn't get the scene of Magali about to leave for lunch going,

I'm not going to this lunch. And her husband going, you should go to the lunch. Well, Mugali always does things for the quote-unquote better good. She's like, do I want to go? No. But do I want to be the bigger person? Yes. Is there a tuna fish sandwich that needs to

be eaten? Yes. I eat. I say, okay, tuna, I do you a favor and then maybe one day you do me a favor, okay? If Leanne yells at me, if she yells, I'm going to stick my finger in her face and I'm going to say nothing. I'm just going to sit there quietly and listen. Actually, here's a direct quote from Magali at the launch. This is what we alluded to before.

Regarding Leanne, Magali says, direct quote, She is so attacking. Bzzz. Pow. Beak. There was one where she made the sound effects of an entire Grand Theft Auto ad. It was like helicopters coming, the police are arriving, someone just got shot, the ambulances are taking them away. She's so funny.

She's like... Leanne, whoa. So Leanne is not getting anything from Magali because she's trying to make her say stripper, stripper, stripper, and Magali won't do it. She's like, no, there's no point. I'm not doing this to you, no. And so Leanne goes, well, I heard you told everybody I was a table dancer. She's like, no, look in my eye.

I say no. I say, Leanne, nothing. This is what I say. Nothing, Leanne. No, I don't say it. I heard you said I used to do a donkey show and rip things out of my vagina. Make ping pong balls go in the cups. That's what I heard.

No, I never said this this look in my eye i heard you say i used to get blue jose and that's a booty i never said this like jesus liam calm down liam's like too much whore pride all right yeah too much and my guys are what i don't know you a stripper i don't know but i know say it. Who cares? So you strip. You were a table dancer. Who cares? Everybody knows this. This is nothing. No. I know say. She's like, Whoa, Leanne.

Leanne. That's my Magali impersonation. Whoa. Leanne. Leanne's all like... And I'm like... And I'm like... Whoa, Leanne. Whoa, Leanne.

Whoa, Leanne. Whoa. You know what? If Leanne is like, I'm going to be like. Oh, my God. That is brilliant. Leanne is so attacking. She's like.

I laughed back. Leanne. Leanne gets so tense. She's like. And I'm like. Oh my god. So Magali is basically the singer of the Krappensmailbag theme. She is.

She is. I won my credit. You better not cross my... You better not cross me. I'm the singer. I try to sing very hard. You better not cross Magali. Dong, dong. Oh, you better not across Magali.

Dong, dong. Mer. Oh, my God. So fucking good. So next up is Lauren. Well, no. No, well, I was going to say that. So as they're fighting, even though this way, there's still some more stuff before Lauren.

So then Magali. So it becomes this thing where, like, Magali starts trying to out non-innocently. And she's like, I'm not innocent. I'm not innocent. I'm fair. I'm fair. And Leanne's like, I'm not innocent. Whatever.

And then all of a sudden, and Tanya, by the way, as the life coach, is just sitting there with her head in her hand. Great job. Great life coaching there. She's like, what I'd suggest is put more spaces in between the lines yeah like okay you stupid pamphlet writer be quiet over there and then and then mcgully starts pointing at leanne leanne's like mcgully you got to get your finger out of my face get your finger out of my face i swear to god mcgully i swear to god you're pointing at me you're pointing at me get your finger she's like mcgully's like a finger, and what you want to do about it? What you want to do about it?

I make a point my finger at whoever finger wanna point. So my finger point, I say point, finger point, and then my finger go, whoa. Whoa, Lian. Lian, whoa. Whoa, Lian. Whoa, Lian, it's my finger. So then Magali starts to cry, and Magali's

like, you know, there are too many things, too many things. Too many things in life. Too much going on. I don't have time for this. I need to do ROV. My own things in my own life didn't matter more. I had vegetables to chop.

Tanya's like, all right, well, glad that we worked it all out. And then Leanne's just sitting there giving her a look from hell. Leanne is still so mad. And Magali's like, as far as I'm concerned, it's over. Because I love how Magali is like a fast, like, water under the bridge person. Like, even her whole fight with Dawn, Dawn's like, all right, Magali, you can come to the creme de la creme ball. And Magali's like, all right, issue over. Issue over. Get back to chopping vegetables.

Have you noticed that Magali's always chopping vegetables? She and her husband are always chopping vegetables in the kitchen. Because that's probably the only place they got a license to shoot. Let's do a scene in the bedroom. Oh, can't get permit. Okay. Kitchen. I say kitchen, you say kitchen.

You chop. So, yeah. So, Tanya's happy. Magali's happy. Leanne is pissed off still. Let's go over to Lauren's house She's going to say goodbye To mama and dada

Bye mama and dada Mother Dada I'm reading all these things I wrote And I don't even understand them now Mum rings five Oh yeah I'm very close with mom and dad

Mum rings five oh yeah i'm very close with mom and i i'm mum rings five times a day in dead cool six what you talk to your parents 11 times a day darling come on now so lauren's big thing is that her husband has paul paul who listens to the podcast hello paul hello paul so a relationship is like two ends of a bookcase paul so paul paul's fixate in arizona because the restaurants a lot of restaurants that's beautiful paul wants to go arizona i'm like oh no poor paul no no it looks pretty but you don't want to move there, Paul. No. Oh, Lauren knows already.

This was hilarious because she goes, Paul's in Arizona looking at restaurants. And her dad goes, and the girls. Lauren, the girls are everywhere, dad. The girls are everywhere. And he's like, ugh. He's like this kind of hippie guy who's got long hair and tinted glasses. I loved him. Loved him, too.

And I love that he's openly hating on her husband and calling him a philanderer. I mean, I don't know, national. What do you call it? Big TV. A lot of people watching. I like he's like, Who wants to go to Arizona? What for?

Like, exactly. And the mom, Why would to go to Arizona? What for? I'm like, exactly. My mom. Why would you go to Arizona, darling? It's 140 degrees there. The desert people, desert people, they leave. Look at them go. You can turn on the news and see the desert people on camels trying to leave, darling. Why would you go there? There's a z in the name why would you go someplace that has a z i've always been crazy more you know that i saw z in

the name and i said go miracles um lauren says every home and house Arizona comes with a sewing kit. What? I was like, what? I think it's more like a ticket to Dave and Buster's. No offense, Arizona. What home? Who in Arizona is known for their home sewing? This is what British people think,

or Australian people think, when we talk about their country. They're like, what are they smoking? Because this is hilarious. She truly is imagining Arizona as the fantasy land that Audra dreams about in Little Shop of Horrors. She has a pony, what do they call those things?

Not pony, you know those skirts? Whatever. And America, they have things that make your bread toasty. It's a toaster. They have an icebox that's powered with electricity. It's called a refrigerator. So funny. There's a little vacuum cleaner in every home in our zone.

Shaped like a disc. It just goes around by itself. Taking the dirt off your carpets. I want to live somewhere that's green. Like Arizona. Bad news, Mom. There's no green in Arizona. Oh, no.

Desert people alive, darling. So this turns into a conversation about a tattoo. Why? I don't know. I don't know. They're talking about, I always get what I want, and I'm going to get a new tattoo. Are you going to pay for my tattoo, Mama Dada? Dada, you're going to pay for my tattoo?

And he's like, no, but I'll be here to house you when Paul turns into an idiot. She's like, ah, husbands and dads, every girl needs one. I like how her dad looks like Billy Connolly, right? I think her dad looks like George Carlin when he had long hair, but he's groomed and has glasses. He's super cool. I love her dad. And I love her mom. I like her, too.

Lauren's really funny. She's my favorite. So then one of. And I love her mom. I like her too. Lauren's really funny. She's my favorite. So then one of the ones I don't like that much is Ampiker. Oh, Ampiker is the worst. So funny. So the next scene

is her with Mr. Bean, a.k.a. her ex-husband, Ma. Ma. We still don't know if his name is Matt or Mark or Mac. Ma.

Mac. So. Hey, Mark. Mark come over for dinner. I said, Mark. Yeah, you look at that. Look at that. We thought like cats and dogs, man. Mac. Mac. So. Hey, Mark. Mark come over for dinner. I said, Mark. Yeah, you look at that. Look at that. We thought like cats and dogs, me Mark. Look, Mark. Let's vote about something.

He's like, hello, darling. I love ya. He's like this old He's got like moves down to his stomach. He's got like old man ears. This cute, adorable Norman Rockwell old man smile. Like this pasty, pudgy little face. She's like, oh, I know he's still attracted to me, that one, but after so, we were so passionate. I'm like, you were not. What were you doing sitting and spinning on his ears?

Get out of here, passionate. I know everything about you, Matt. I know everything that you like. I like every bottle of clover that you like to have in your closet. I know everything, what you want and what you like, because I know everything about you, Matt. I wanted to be rid of a husband, but then I was, and I realised not having a husband is like not having a right arm or a right leg. Like, what? I never get my white dress on my wedding day, except for the time when I got married to Matt and I had a white dress on my wedding day. It's not enough

losing a limb with that being left-handed, too. I think. I think I'll really be gutted when he finds a girl and I don't have the same relationship with Matt and I'm up.

I really fell in love with Mac because they're celebrating their anniversary even though they're divorced, which is so hilarious. So they're having their anniversary

and he's just like a nice old guy, and she's basically pelting him with drama, you know? And he says something like, Oh, my love was all drama with you, wasn't it? A drama queen all day. I knew drama every five minutes, wasn't it? Like, that's right, Mark. What you doing?

What you saying, Mark? You want to start a fight right now? He's like, oh, I love you. That's so cute. And then she said, why don't you move on, Mark. What you doing? What you saying, Mark? You want to start a fight right now? He's like, I love you. That's so cute. And then she said, why don't you move on, Mark? I think you still love me because you won't move on, Mark. And I say every year on our anniversary, why won't you move on, Mark? And he says, I'm older.

I mean, all it is is being bold. And I'd sooner be bold and lonely than alone with someone who doesn't like me which bulls me i was like oh my god could you please write a self-help book i love you mac he's like also i'm moving to arizona i'm looking for a woman who can sew how many people are come from there and are just disappointed in the sewmanship of Arizona? And they're looking under every chair and sofa for the sewing kit. I thought there was going to be some threat here. But they never tell anybody.

They never tell anybody back home because they don't want to look stupid. So it just continues. The sewing machine. How's your sewing machine in Arizona, doll? Mum, I've sewed things, mum. It's spinning round. She's like, I'm still trying to

figure out how to sew with the gun that came with the house. I don't understand it. It's a strange looking sewing kit. It's the shape of a gun. Anyway. The sewing machine makes a lot of noise and it just puts holes in my clothes, mum I killed ten people trying to sew a sweater the other day I think I'm doing it wrong

Every time I turn the on button to the sewing machine Blow a hole through the side of my house I still haven't been arrested I know, I actually get a parade every time I do it, mum They say, good for you, standing your ground I'm like, I'm just trying actually get a parade every time I do it, mom. They say, good for you, standing your ground. I'm like, I'm just trying to sew a shirt. Oh, darling.

Leanne, same day, same sad outfit. That's my next note. Look at Leanne. She calls Dawn her meanie, I guess. Yeah. Her queen. She's like, Dawn, you won't believe what I've been up to with my girl. And Dawn's like, oh, really? That reminds me.

I'll never be able to have children if I get my hysterectomy sorted out. Get it sorted out. Get my hysterectomy sorted out. Well, then, yeah, Leanne just basically rehashes everything. And then Dawn is like, she's like, oh, I'm really not looking forward to this spa weekend with Magali and Leanne fighting. And then also my issue with Ampika, it just does my troller in. It does my troller in. So good.

And my troller is a hysterectomy. It's doing my hysterectomy. I'm just worried that my caboose won't be able to drop more trolleys. Oh, it got really gutter when I heard that they took out the trolley lines in Los Angeles back in the day. It reminded me of my hysterectomy. All me trolley lines. Now I can't have any more side parts. Just because I've got four streetcars doesn't mean I want to have more.

I can't have more. I want to have all sorts of streetcars and my trolley lines. Leanne's version of the fight was so funny. She's like, I saw Magali, and she started getting real aggressive with me, pointing a finger in my face and calling me a stripper. I was like, what? None of this ever happened, you crazy bitch. Well, Leanne did have the finger.

I mean, Magali had the finger out. Yeah, but she's making it sound like Magali just came in and started attacking her. Like, what, with sound effects? You fucking liar. I love it. I feel like, no, I'm not trying to become, like, PC police, but I really do actually feel like there is an unspoken, very subtle racism that goes on. Because they always are like, Magali, she's so aggressive. She's so aggressive.

I'm like, I think you're just scared of her because she's black. Well, Magali is aggressive. But she's not like, but they make her sound like she's like a savage. Okay. And she's like, Magali doesn't really yell that much. She doesn't yell more than Leanne. I mean, Magali, sure, she can give an evil eye, but she's not more aggressive than Dawn. Magali looks like she's about to eat you every time she talks.

No, but not more than Dawn. Not more than Dawn, though. I'm sorry. Yeah, I don't know about that part, but I do definitely agree that they're unfairly mean to her because in the beginning, which was just four weeks ago,

it feels like we've watched this for a decade, but in the beginning, Leanne was saying, I've now my goal after 15 years so they all know each other on this show and that they're all turning on her just for the show is really shady because she didn't even know what was coming or what the fuck they were talking about the first time you know she's like what what what'd you say and i mean and leanneigh-Anne, this was, you know, Leigh-Anne started it, basically. I mean, Leigh-Anne got involved with the stupid... She keeps doing it over and over, and they're all lies.

Like, she hates Magali for whatever reason. And we'll never know, because on these shows, there are always these secret reasons that they never talk about on camera, and she's trying to make it that she's a hoe, and Magali is like, that's not even what it was, bitch. Like, you want to out yourself for being a hoe? Fine fine I'll still have a luggage of shit against you idiot well either way Leanne may hate Magali but there's one thing that she does love pregnancy test I love the way I'm a stick I love the way I'm addicted to pregnancy tests I can't get enough of them. I just wee on them and wee on them.

Everyone thinks I'm crazy. Yeah, that's fucking crazy. It is crazy. So they all go to this castle for spa weekend. And the reason why the pregnancy testing is because Tanya, she's feeling a little bloated and feeling a little stick and tummy aches. So Leanne's like, pregnancy test. So she's all excited to get her pregnancy test. But before that happens, all the women arrive at the castle.

And Ampika, she gets a room that she doesn't like. And my favorite part is that Ampika, she just starts listing off things she likes. She goes, I love big beds, big bathrooms, huge pillows. I like a pillow menu. I like a duvet menu. I like a bed skirt. I like a rug. I like a window and a door. Four walls and a room of ceiling. That's. I like a pillow menu. I like a duvet menu. I like a bed skirt. I like a rug. I like a window and a door.

Four walls and a room of ceiling. That's what I like. This girl is jealous of everybody for everything. And I love that she vocalizes it because most people will try and get it out in behavior. And she just says right up front, she's like, it's not fair, is it?

Lauren's got a room with a four poster. She's got a bathroom. I'm very disappointed. No, bathroom. I'm very disappointed. No, no. I'm very disappointed. I'll never get my white wedding dress and my four-poster bed, nah. Lauren's got everything.

A husband, a four-poster. I'm like, darling, a four-poster and a Marriott. Get over yourself. That's like the Marriott. Everybody's like, oh, I've been to this hotel because this is where I saw Leanne get married. I've been to this hotel. I got married here. Said to Tanya, but she didn't come to my wedding.

But she says she didn't get the Eva. But I specifically remember sending it to her. Pregnancy test. And then Tom's like, I was here for the first time. Dope. Ever did a show with bed base. I mean, every single person has been to this hotel for everything. It's like the only Marriott in town.

I know. So then there's the pregnancy test. And big news. Tonya's not pregnant. She's just fat. It's even worse. She's just fat. Tonya was so funny.

She's like, I don't do it then. You're just way on the stack. Just it then? You just wee on the stick. Just wee on it. Just wee on the stick. How do you aim your way? After three children, it's like a sprinkler system. There's no aiming. And then she's in the bathroom, weeing on the stick, and she goes,

oh, this wee's going straight up me bum hole and then coming back down again. That's the name of her next book. All this wee is going up my bum hole and coming back down again. So funny. How do you do this? It's like, are you pregnant? No.

That's the best part about a pregnancy test. Sometimes I just pee on an emery board just to get that feeling. So, Ampiker, my next note is, Ampiker still complaining about her room. I can't believe all these other ladies. It's like someone put a balaclava on my face and put me in a room and said, here, how's the balaclava? Like, hello, welcome to the castle. Oh, really?

Nice welcome, that non-four-poster guy of mine. Where's Mac? So then, now it's dinner time. Where's my trolley to carry everyone's luggage? How come you've got a trolley to carry everyone's luggage and I haven't? You should be so lucky to have your trolley up in a bundle. At least you have a trolley.

So they're getting ready to go into this big Housewives dinner, which they've all watched these shows because they're copying the storylines and stuff. So to them, they're like, uh-oh, it's a dinner party. Put on your armor, which I love because it's only episode four. And it usually takes like two years for them to become truly terrified of a dinner party. So they're getting ready to go in.

And Don's sitting there on a couch with her assistant oh i mean oh god yes direct me on the books i don't want to talk about my history anymore i'm sick of talking about it and pika comes down she's like well i didn't get a full poster and yes direct me still doing that you want more kids and she starts like taunting her because she's mad she goes from being jealous of someone's hotel room to being jealous that this woman's thinking of even having more kids than everybody else don't be great so they start getting in this fight and she's like abusing dawn for wanting to have another child i was laughing so hard at this i didn't actually think

that mpker was really um like i didn't think she was trying to make dawn feel bad at that moment i think she was like so what's going on with your hysterectomy you know and dawn was the last time they spoke about it it was the last time they spoke the last time they spoke they were fighting yes like while you're bringing it up on this trip i don't think mpker was really um trying to make dawn feel bad about wanting to have more kids when she already has four. I think she was just genuinely following up. And then Don took it to the specific,

I don't want to talk about me sad things right now. Don't want to talk about me hysterectomy. We're not in my couch room. I don't have 20 catches in here for no reason. And I'm not comfortable talking about it. I'm not comfortable because there's not enough purple velvet in this room. right well and peter's a bitch and last week she was going in on her she's like don't be greedy with your kids so she was being a dick and then bringing

it up she's like trying to start another fight and they're still in that mode of i have to fight with you for no reason i don't even care if it's for no reason. We're going to fight, bitch. And Dawn's like, I didn't do my scenes with you. She's like, yeah, y'all. You're going to do the same with me. We're going to talk about something. I'm like, no, Dawn's not having it. So, and Pika gets all pissed off. She's like, the queen.

Someone questions the queen. And then she gets all mad. But I'll question the queen. I'll ask the queen lots of questions. What's your toilet like? Do you ever vacuum your own house? Or does somebody else do it for you, Miss Queen? I don't ever have someone to vacuum my house like the queen does.

It's mostly actually special. What do you like more, big pillows or small pillows? Like a duvet or like a duvet menu? I like them both. I like both of them. But I love my room. Lauren. I'm sad for I'm peaker, but I'm happy for me.

I feel like I'm all half wet hours out here. So luxurious. So they go into this dinner and everybody's giving each other the look. The look. The look. Well, first they start with, Hello, darling. Have you downloaded Dauber's new single?

It's called, I can't get the best lawn out my head. My girl is like, Oh, this lady. I look around. I see fake, fake. Oh, kiss. Oh, kiss ass in your kiss.

Oh, kiss, kiss, kiss. Oh, they're stupid. I tell everyone to just party off. And then they sit down to dinner. And in true Magali fashion, she's like, they want to fight? I be quiet and watch them fight. She died when she did that. Like, Ben just totally did a touchdown in his ass right now.

Exactly. That's exactly what I did. She's like, they want to fight? I will be chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. Ooh, I fall. I fall. I fall. You want to poke me? I poke you. You say that? I say this. You shuffle. I say

no, me steal. Okay? Okay. Be quiet. I'm quiet. I tried. I tried. I would like to order champagne and whoa. So they're also having champagne for the fifth time. Wait till these bitches hear about, I don't know, vodka.

Yeah. Come on, guys. So Tanya is, they're having a laugh about the fact that Tanya thought she was pregnant And she's not And then Don takes over And she starts saying Well let me tell you about me time

That I thought I was pregnant So I was feeling a little sick So I went to the closet And I looked on the first shelf of the closet Then the second shelf Then the third shelf And then you know what I found? I found me pregnancy test So then I unwrapped the pregnancy test And the second shelf, then the third shelf. And then you know what I found? I found me pregnancy tests.

So then I unwrapped the pregnancy tests, and then I threw it in the garbage. Well, just the outside of the garbage. And then Lauren's like, oh, God. And I just love, Lauren just starts bashing Dawn about how she always takes over stories and makes them too long. And so Dawn's going on and on. Are you still talking,

then? The girl tells a story, and it goes on and on. So Dawn's like, and then I took the pregnancy test and I put it under my vagina. And I started to wee on it. And Lauren goes, and you weren't pregnant. End of story. Got to the end.

You weren't pregnant. The end. The end. But Dawn just keeps on and but don just keeps on talking she just keeps on talking and lauren's like all right so that's the you know you have a way i'll keep you just keep talking and talking and don's like and then next thing i knew i had to sit down in the toilet and then lauren's basically just tells her to shut up and they cut to Don. And Don says this once an episode. She goes, that is so rude. That is so rude. Every single episode.

She didn't wipe her feet before coming into my castle. That is so rude. Seth Roth. That is so rude. Gets me trolly. So good. Gets me trolly. And then she's.

So this girl, Lauren, is really going off the whole time oh you're still telling the story we're on the hard ends you weren't pregnant and then she goes i'm then i was pregnant she's like oh i'm so sorry you just talk so much i just assumed that you weren't pregnant i thought you're one of those housewives from Arizona who just sits around and doesn't get pregnant, but so is everything. So then they all start having this, oh, well, of course,

he's excited. Aaron Peeker. There you go. There's a dog. Everyone's afraid of doing the new lawn. Lord told her. She told her. I said, you go, go. I'm behold you. It's like I love then that Ampiker starts talking about I guess she's talking, oh, she's older. Yeah, go, go. I love then that Ampiker starts talking about, I guess she's talking about babies or whatever. Then someone says, well, Ampiker,

you can still have a baby. Why are you always talking about this? And she says she wants to do it the old-fashioned way. I think she said she wants to do it the old-fashioned way. But she basically says she doesn't want to, she's like, when she hits 40, then she basically says when she hits 40, that's when she'll start exploring she basically says when she hits 40 that's when

she'll start exploring things like artificial insemination which i thought how many times you gotta hit 40 girl oh like how am i like seriously though you're gonna hit 40 like what 10 times and then start exploring start exploring but well the funny thing though was i thought it was a relatively benign comment and then um dawn is like i can't believe she come at me like that why does she have to bring up that she's why does she have to be bring up being over 40 like that i was like done it wasn't about you in the slightest way she's talking about herself that she doesn't want to like look into artificial insemination yeah but they're saying like they're going at her for having i mean look i'm no fan of dawn i think

she's a total dick and i think it's hilarious that they're going at her for having, I mean, look, I'm no fan of Dawn. I think she's a total dick, and I think it's hilarious that they're going after her. But I don't think Ampico is going for her. No, I don't think, I think that Dawn is just a narcissist and just assumes it's about her. I mean, Dawn's the one, first of all, who introduced it to, this was Tanya's story. Tanya was talking about how she was, she thought she was pregnant. Then Dawn interrupts, and she tells her story how she was she thought she was pregnant then dawn interrupts and she tells her story how she was pregnant and then i'm because like i'm basically saying i want to get pregnant too but i'm not going to explore artificial insemination until i'm like closer to 40 and then don's like i can't believe she talked about that talk about that when she knows i'm over 40

well it gets really good when lauren is just still hateful for zero reason like i don't know why she's so mad but i'm loving it she, I don't think you should freeze your eggs. I'm afraid they wouldn't come out. I mean, why would you freeze a 45-year-old egg? They're done anyway. It's like freezing expired milk. She starts getting so mad, and Don's like,

all can I do for water? And Lauren goes, This is not even made up. She goes, Have you ever frozen a pizza and had it come out good? And the funniest part, aside from the fact that that's an amazing line, is that Tanya in the background goes, Hell yeah!

She's like, let's have some frozen pizza right now. That was... You had frozen pizza? I's have some frozen pizza right now. That was... You had frozen pizza? I want to have frozen pizza. Somebody give me that frozen pizza. Don is like, that is so rude. How could you talk about frozen pizza in front of me when she knows full well that I won't have a pizza oven installed?

My bus stops with my children. The children give the maids a reason to live What are the maids going to do without another child? Darby is fat enough as it is She doesn't need to know about frozen pizza, okay? The only thing I love and love are my children And my couches, but you can't freeze a couch I mean, I guess you could

Alright, Ashley, I guess you could. All right. Ashley, I want a giant freezer to put the couches in. But when we want couches down the line, it might be too late to get new ones. I want to take them

out of the freezer and defrost them. Make sure they're all purple or silver looking and all velvet. Maybe a gold one too, but they have to definitely be purple ones.

Dobby, sit on the couch to make sure it's defrosted. Ashla, Ashla, we need the couches to look extra big to make Darby look less fat. No, Darby, you're fat. I'm telling you that because I love you. That is so rude, Darby. Darby, are you listening to me?

Darby, it's not that I'm trying to make you feel bad. It's just that I love perfection. So what we're doing about the band this week, then? Yeah, I think we should have a meeting, yeah. Where's the bus, Dormer? I just love perfection. I can't just talk to you. I just wish you were here to tell me instructions.

Darby, are you listening? Darby, are you listening? Stop it. Oh, you're listening. It's so rude. So Dawn leaves crying because everybody's, like, confronting her about her frozen eggs. So she runs out crying and Leanne's like, wait, what did Leanne say? No, I was just going to say, in typical, like, sidekick fashion, Leanne's like, Dawn, Dawn, at least now I'm putting the finger at you and cold you a hole.

Magali's like, my ovaries are like, whoa. Magali goes, what's wrong with her? You know Magali's like face first in like a chicken pot pie at the moment. She like looks up. She's like, where'd Don go? Where'd Don go? Where'd Don go? I laughed. I'm laughing again just as hard.

I laughed so hard when she said that. She's so out of it. And then Tonya's like, we'll call it a life coach, am I? I couldn't even make those guys make up. Now I don't even know where else it's gone. Now I want a frozen pizza. Who needs a life coach now, am I right? But I want to make sure. Now I want a frozen pizza. Oh no, who needs a love coach now, my right? But I want to make sure it's a French bread frozen pizza.

That's my favorite. And Peeker's last thought of the episode is, a woman can have a child, eh? Like, what? I can't even understand what you said, which is exactly what she said. I don't even know if I got it right, because I was like, what? It got a balaclava on my uterus, inseminated balaclava, still in insemination, still four years old, that's all I'll say. Never gonna have a white balaclava anymore.

And the last scene is Dawn, like, fake crying in front of the mirror while she puts on makeup, and Leanne's behind her going, Did you feel bad when the porn did that to me? dawn like fake crying in front of the mirror while she puts on makeup and leanne's behind her going did you hear my that's all and then dawn's like the whole time max massage because on the end i wonder are my eggs wonky i'm like yes your eggs are wonky all right do something else i'd rather watch i'd rather you watch the horse run around in circles while that lady tries to tell you how many things you sorted out. Just do that. Yeah. By the way, when you said what Leanne was saying, you made this like little noise. You went first.

And then I just lost it. I'm like, I imagine that's actually just what Leanne said. She goes. That sounds like I never hear her. I'm like, why is she even here? She only says things like, you want a mac and cookie? She's like this small little voice. I bought a footballer.

I think it worked out pretty well. I bought a footballer. I got a house. I think it worked out pretty well for us. I like being pregnant. I love pregnancy tests. I think it worked out pretty well for Clear Blue Easy because I'm the best customer.

Say it! Say it! Say it! And then she's screaming like a dancy. What's the reputation? I'm like, just say the reputation. You can't tell me not to say the reputation, my girl. You take off your clothes, so who cares? You make money, you have a job.

I'm proud. You're proud, I'm proud. I have brick. I have brick. Boom, boom, boom. Dong, dong, dong. Dong, dong, dong. Dong, dong, dong. Drrr, drrr, drrr.

Magali's like, you know what you are? You are water under the bridge. That's what you are. Ice cup. Ice cube and cup. I'm bridge over trouble water. So we go. Water like, psh, psh, psh, psh.

And I'm like, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck. Under bridge, okay? War. War bridge. Do not frame Henki on the bridge. Don't poop on Magali's bridge, Henki. Whoa, Henki. Whoa, Henki.

I tell Henki, wank, wank, wank, and he says, wank, wank, wank, and I say, oh, no. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa, Henki. And Henki's like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, and I'm like, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, wipe, and I'm like, oh, clean Henki. She say, you'll be nice to Henki? I say, maybe I'll be nice to hanky.

Maybe I'll be mean to hanky. Maybe hanky, I don't know hanky. Who hanky? Hanky? Hanky write a book. I write a book. Hanky like to quack. I like to quack.

It's like, whoa, hanky. I don't know why this hanky have problem with me. I only friend with hanky. I friend with hanky. I'm not going to hanky bridge. Oh, honey, you should go to the hanky have problem with me i i only friend with hanky i friend with hanky first i'm not going to hanky bridge oh honey you should go to the hanky bridge no i'm not go okay i go you know what you know life there's too much too much going on for me to fight with hanky anymore okay i say i say done done clean we are done we're clean what's under speaking of being done that'll do it this was crazy long and we love you if you're even still here and if you're not here we still

love you anyway what do you think of that love you i love you as i love you you guys have a great one we'll talk to you next week which is christ Christmas week. Dun, dun, dun. And the crappies are coming up, everyone, so get excited for that. Oh, the crappies are coming in the new year. We love you, everybody. Bye. Hey, Prime members, you can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts.

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