Watch What Crappens - #252: Horses, Ducks, and Bitches

Episode Date: December 24, 2015

It was a veritable menagerie of animals on Bravo this week: little horses on "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," scampering ducks on "Real Housewives of Cheshire," and nasty old bats everywhere else. Isn't that just the best? Come listen to what we're squawking about today: 00:00:00 - Intro / Bravo Gossip 00:10:52 - Crappens Mailbag 00:17:08 - Countess LuAnn vs. Martha Stewart 00:21:31 - Rehashing RHOBH Season 1 Uncensored 00:41:36 - RHOBH Recap 01:39:56 - RH of Cheshire Recap Thanks for listening! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Hello everyone and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. And joining me is the Texas-accented, Texas-located Ronnie Karam from

trashtalktv.com. Hi, Ronnie. Yee-haw, mother truckers. I'm telling you right now, Texas gets a bad rap, y'all. Don't blame us for everything. It's a good place. Don't mess with Texas. Don't blame us for everything. Yeah. It's a good place. Don't mess with Texas. Don't mess. You can mess with it.

Just prepare to have a gun pulled on you. Don't mess with Texas and be nice to Lala. We are here to talk about Bravo. And you can follow us by going to WatcherCrappins.com, where all our social media links are for Instagram and Twitter, Vine, Periscope, whatever you want. It's there. And then chief among those is our Facebook page, which is like the best Facebook page on Facebook, arguably. It is Facebook.com forward slash WatcherCrappins. So much good stuff on there. So many fun links of Bravo Gossip to talk about.

Really great stuff. So if you don't already like us there, go ahead and do yourself a solid and go like us because it's going to be worth it to you. You guys, with the power of Facebook, you're changing my mother into a social media at least curiouser i don't know i don't know what that would be someone who's curious what's the word for that um well she would be a social media curious dabbler maybe she hasn't dabbled yet social media dilettante oh is that what that means that sounds so fancy that's like when you're like dabbling things this doesn't but it's not like oh she hasn't dabbled yet but she might and she won't do it she's like that's too bad but and she talks like sheena but um the other day i was here i got home to texas and i walk in and everyone's ignoring me oh just like coming home i was like

wow this is so nice thanks everyone no they were, and it was great. And I look on the counter, and right in the middle of the counter, ready for dinner, is a nice new pink Himalayan sea salt. And I was like, yes, it's going to be a good Christmas. So I just took a picture and put it on our Facebook, you know. And she's like, God, why are you putting pictures everywhere? Jesus, you just walked in the door. And you all know I'm not really a big social media person at all so it's hilarious that she says that so anyway later on i said mom your salt got 300 likes and she was like what you could just see her eye like there was a little glimmer in her eye and i was like i found the secret to my mother's heart likes on instagram at the of the day, we're all real housewives.

Exactly. You know what? Once your salt gets 300 likes, then you're hooked. Where did fucking pink salt come from? Everybody has this pink Himalayan salt now. It's everywhere. I know. Why does it matter that it's pink? I mean, you know, once you put it in a saucepan, it dissolves away.

So enough with this madness. Guys, salt. Salt is delicious. It's just all these people on diets, they don't allow themselves salt. And they're like, oh, it's pink salt, so I'll eat it. And they're like, everything's delicious. Yeah, because you put fucking salt on it. Dum-dum.

Well, speaking about homecomings, there was a big homecoming that happened today. Tell me. One Miss Teresa Giudice returned home from jail. Did you know this? She's back. She's home. And she got a blowout. And there are some pictures.

So here's what's notable. She came home, and People Magazine was there to document it. pictures so here's what's notable she came home and people magazine was there to document it and in honor of her return joe got her a new lexus suv with a bow on top like the commercials which by the way has now ruined the lexus bow officially but so this of course raises a question which i have to say jezebel has a post up that says how did the how did theresa judice's husband afford this brand new lexus and one of our our dear listeners andy cohen's fan page they were full-on quoted her full-on twitter is quoted in jezebel so good on you andy cohen's fan page but seriously how did what the fuck is wrong with these people

she just they just went to jail for the money the fraud. They're trying to show they're bankrupt, and here they're buying a Lexus SUV? Jesus. Well, that whole three episodes of Tree Goes to Prison or whatever, that whole thing was like this mansion filled with all this new shit and all this new furniture. I don't know where that money's coming from, but maybe she's just creatively visualizing stuff. Maybe she's doing the secret or something, because that money's coming from someplace, and I can't imagine they're getting credit anywhere.

Oh, I'll tell you where it's coming from. It says it's from their lawyer, James Leonard. Remember the lawyer from this? What, did he pay to do diary sessions on the fucking show? Because he was on every show. Here's how I feel about tree. It's really difficult in the monotony of the things of the perjuries. I was like, oh, jeez.

Yeah, by the way, this could not smell any fishier. I've never known a lawyer to buy their clients a Lexus. I'm sorry. Something is fishy here. You know, I can't stand Teresa and Joe. I've always hated them since season one. I was always on Danielle's top side. I don't get why people love her.

I get why people like her on TV because she's a character, but I don't get why people like her as a person because they are so shifty. Those are two shifty, fraudulent mofos. Well, Merry Christmas, Joe and Tree. Good luck with Krampus. Yeah, good luck with Krampus.

Did we talk about Patreon, by the way? I don't think we talked about Patreon. Oh, no. But if you guys, those of you who already know, thank you. And those who don't, we do. We have a whole other life going on. There's a whole other podcast going on at patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. You can come there and the lowest dollar amount

is the bonus episodes. We're kind of PBS, you know, like you donate and then there's other stuff. So come get those bonuses because they are so fun. And today's was Star Wars. We had a great time with that. And then two weeks ago, I think we did Sir Wars, which was freaking

amazing. Sir Wars was in the main show. Oh, so you already heard that. I had so much fun with that. Yeah. So come listen to bonuses. Also, we have ringtones that we do every month. So those are going up this week. There is access to three months of ringtones.

They're all up at a time. So you can come get a ton of ringtones. So come over there. Those are going up. They're amazing. They're mostly Real Housewives of Beverly so you can come get a ton of ringtones. So come over there. Those are going up. They're amazing. They're mostly Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Real Housewives of Shasha. And as a special bonus, I've been making a bunch of GIFs because I use them in texting. I really love using Housewives emotions in my texts because it really – I don't know.

No one can communicate like the JoJo Birds on those shows. because it really, I don't know, no one can communicate like the JoJo Birds on those shows. So I made a bunch of basically texting GIFs for you to use specifically in your texts. So most of them are Lisa Rinna because Lisa Rinna has great ones like, this is so awkward and stuff like that. So those will be up. Those are for any dollar level. Those will be up for a week.

And so come. If you subscribe this week, all up until the new year, there will be the GIF text package. They're like Bitmoji, except with Housewives. Yeah. So, so fun. I'm obsessed with doing them. It takes me two hours to watch any show because I'm like, that needs to be a GIF.

Yeah. I need to get my Gif operation up i i just have trouble i won't get into it but um yeah definitely listen to our bonus episode this week if you want to hear what we say about star wars because we talk about star wars for a full hour and then we end with five minutes on cindy williams so it's really it's got something for everyone. Why? Nobody knows. But Cindy Williams was there. And then I slandered some random person that I've had their history wrong for years and years and years. And built a mountain of judgments on that were completely incorrect. So come listen.

So come listen to Ronnie curse out Cindy Williams. Because it's worth it. And if you don't know who Cindy Williams is, well, guess what? You'll find out soon enough so good oh it's christmas i'm loving being home for christmas i'm loving it yeah what i'm having so much fun here i'm still in my bed in my you know in my room at my parents house there's gigantic golden pillows they pillows. They're made out of – I don't know. I don't know what they're made out of. But they're shiny gold, but they're also quilted so they don't look cheap.

And they have the trimming of feathers, brown feathers. And I'm sleeping in just this big, wonderful bed surrounded by golden feathers, and it's hilarious. bed surrounded by golden feathers, and it's hilarious. That sounds actually like the color palette for Real Housewives of Cheshire, if you ask me. It kind of is, but my mom also does love huge couches that are placed in odd places. So actually, good call. Yeah. Good call. Yeah. Good call. I am here in L.A.

enduring this, like, brutal 55-degree cold snap. But I'm ready. I'm ready for the holidays. I'm ready to, like, I want some eggnog. I want to get involved with some eggnog. You know what we'd say in Texas, right? What? They say there's global warm and it's 55 degrees outside.

what? They say there's global warm and it's 55 degrees outside. Because today's temperature in Los Angeles has everything to do with global warming. Everything does. But you know what, though? This time of year, everyone is sending their gifts

and sending Christmas cards. If you go to the post office, the lines are around the corner. But I'll tell you one thing. Some mail does get through. Crappin's mailbag. Crappin's, Crappin's. Oh, I was waiting for the theme song.

Oh, I was doing the Crappin's mail. That was. Oh, did you not hear it? No, I didn't hear it. You didn't hear any of it? No. Okay, so let's just do it. Dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong.

Ding, ding, ding, ding. You don't hear this? Uh-uh. That's so weird. And it's an amazing tune. Well, I'm so sorry that you could not hear the Crabbitts Mailbag tune, Ronnie. I couldn't. Oh, no.

I was really excited to hear it this week. But I'm more excited to hear the mail. Well, I guess we'll find out if people at home can hear it or not. Otherwise, just pretend you heard it. So, the Crabbitts Mailbag is pretty light this week. We have one question from Madonna Hines. Mad. Sexy J. Comes to us from australia i believe

um my question this is her she says my question is if you were driving at the speed of light would you need to put your headlights on and if so would they work merry christmas and happy hanukkah madonna heinz are we gonna have to start getting specific about what these questions have to be about? You were asking two dodo birds about the speed of light. I don't even know what that means, the speed of light. Well, it's a question, meaning that if we're going the speed of light, well, first of all, yes, you do have to turn on your headlights. Because if it's dark you need to see something i guess i guess if you're going faster than the speed of light it

doesn't matter if the lights are on because you couldn't see any light anyway because you're going faster than it well i'll tell you this much i don't know but i do know that i don't like fast light i don't like the speed of lights that turn on really quickly. Like when you turn them on and boom it's bright. So I changed all my bulbs to those Edison bulbs where you can see the wires in them or whatever. I think they ruin the world but whatever. Okay, I'm killing the world with my tiny

one bedroom lights but still. They turn on so slowly like you turn them on and then the light has to go through the wires and then it comes around and then they warm up. And then I've just got like a nice soft glow on my little Lebanese droopy face. And my face isn't as scared as it gets with fast lights. So there's my speedo lighting.

Wow. That's a really – so basically if there were Edison bulbs in the headlights, you'd be maybe okay with that. Yeah, the light from the Edison bulbs would not get to where you're going ever. They'd probably burn out and, you know, like the Earth would be a ball of fire behind you because you've killed it by using Edison bulbs. But still, at least your face looked nice while you were traveling at the speed of light. You know what? If I were driving a car at the speed of light,

I would still put on my headlights, because you know why? Because headlights remind me of sunshine, and I love sunshine. And you don't want to get pulled over while you're going at the speed of light. You're like, I'm finally going at the speed of light, and then you get pulled over for not having your lights on.

Put your headlights on, space people. Yeah, especially if you're Joe Giudice, driving at the speed of light, because the last thing that we would want would be for him to quote-unquote fall asleep at the wheel and then flip his car over and then go into the nearest house and drink five shots of whiskey to calm down.

We would hate for that to happen when you're going up to the level. So what? Who cares? So what? I don't remember what I did, but if I did something bad, I'm sorry. I wasn't drunk driving. I just went over to my dad's house, and I drank five shots of whiskey to calm down, and that's why my breathalyzer didn't work out so well. That's all. I took some shots, and I was going to come home,

but my car was going to speed a light, and it got there before I did. So what are you going to come home, but my car was going to speed a light, and it got there before I did. So what are you going to do? My car is going to speed a light. The question is, should you turn on your headlights if you're going the speed of Joe? I think always, yes. If Joe Giudice is on the road, keep your headlights on at all times. And possibly, if you can afford it, drive a Hummer. Because the roads are not safe.

We've got Joe Giudice on the roads now. We've got Kim Richards out on the roads. You guys, get a Hummer or take a bus. Don't be on the sidewalk. Don't be walking in the street. Be very careful at crosswalks. Your ass will die. The other question is, given that when you go when you

break the sound barrier and you go faster than the speed of sound there's a sonic boom what happens when you break the joe barrier what happens it's just like a i think it's just like a long high pitch wheezing fart you could beat the speed of joe by just walking across the living room i mean jesus christ that's the slowest moving man ever. Although I do still appreciate the image of him throwing trash bags off a roof this year as his job. That was like my favorite thing of the whole year was Joe Giudice like, I work. And then you see him just throwing trash bags off a roof. Best image of the year and i've also used the image of uh melania shaving his back i think for

five christmas cards so far it's really uh it's the perfect image for the holidays yes so thank you for that magi mag with the sexy j and we actually got to meet madonna in real life because and i'm talking like that because it was on a hangout and she's from australia so why not torture her with a terrible accent i know good day mate you're such a shayla that was crappin's mail oh i heard it this time i realized what was wrong so now now you can hear it. You can hear it in all its glory with all the sheep and the brontosauruses. Ben, you had a problem with the mailbag. You fixed it, and it was, you know, it works now.

If only the real post office was like that. Because those fuckers are still opening every card that my Meemaw sends me and taking out the money. Who does that? Who does that? Fix the realMailbag. Okay. We actually have an amazing piece of gossip before we even get into our coverage of Real Houses of Beverly Hills and Cha-Cha. And we're not doing Top Chef or Workout today.

Because it's Christmas and I'm not going to fucking want to strangle little children because of hateful idiots. So I'm skipping that shit and i'm saying it right now i will watch it next week but this week no jesus was born this week i'm not watching workout top chef i don't have an excuse but workout i do well uh so here's some gossip from jezebel posted on our wall by chris schultz um here it is martha Martha Stewart and Luann de la Seppe got in a fight, and now 2015 can end. That's the headline. So this is an amazing story. Luann and Martha

Stewart were both at an event where the, I think it was the president of Qatar was there. Was it the president or someone high? It was the ambassador. Sorry, the ambassador. President of what now? Qatar. what's that qatar that's cute oh qatar okay i always thought it was called q-a-t-a-r i always thought it was

pronounced qatar but then our friend sylvia went there and uh she reported back that it's pronounced cutter you know that girl i will believe anything she says she's very intelligent so and she also made she might just be classing it up because it's sylvia you says she's very intelligent so and she also made she might just be classing it up because it's sylvia you know she's like it's called but um yeah she is our very own the wendela set she is but you know what in america we still don't know how to pronounce iraq it's iraq iraq iraq al-qaeda al-qaeda come on, guys. Let's just pick a name. Yeah. So the story is that this ambassador invited Luanne to come to Qatar.

And Martha Stewart apparently leaned in and was like, you don't want to do that. It's lowbrow, very beatless regarding Luanne and the fact that she's on The Real Housewives. So then the Countess apparently heard this and said, Martha, I can hear you. And then apparently Martha Stewart tried to backtrack, but then Luann was like, should I tell him about your shady past? Oh, girl. Listen, she might have a shady past,

but the bitch knows how to make a poncho now. What have you learned, Luann? Nothing. Martha insists she was just laughing. I'm just joking, but I mean. Well, of course she was. But I like that when you told me that story, I didn't know who she was talking to. She could have been talking to Luann like, you don't want to do this.

You don't want to go to Qatar, darling. It's very B-list. Very B. Very B. And you know that Luann was like, I am not B-list. I almost wore a dress that was later worn by Michelle Obama. Qatar actually rejected my sheets because they weren't above 250 count. You know what, Qatar?

Get your economy in order and call me. I wish Martha Stewart was Luan. That would be amazing luann de la seps as martha stewart hello everybody today i'm going to show you how to put flowers in a vase i mean all you do is you take some flowers put them in a vase i mean how hard is that i mean be cool don't be all like uncool just make sure if you mix a white rose with the pink rose that they fuck before jacques comes home then remove, put them in separate vases, and call all of your friends to stick with the story that the flowers were never intermingled. Listen, today on Luanne Live, I'm making eggs a la Francaise.

What? That is the perfect Martha Stewart, because after every Martha Stewart invention, I'm like, you know that's a scrambled egg, right, bitch? Here it is, a la Francaise. I like when people call bread pan. Pan. Pan. Pan pardue. Instead of French toast, pan pardue.

It's white bread. Get out of here, Whole Foods. Well, Ina Garten can call it that. Well, Ina can, but people at Whole Foods can't. It's just a loaf of white bread, okay? I'm not paying you two extra dollars because you have to tell me what the name means. Get out of here.

Two dollar pan. Pan. Pan. Pan in the ass. Mmm. That was it for that story. A cloud of fog right now from my vapor cigarette and dancing through it like I'm in Cats in El Paso.

Fog machine, kill the fog machine. Clear the fog. It smells like toast. So, Ronnie, I finally saw Real Housewives of Beverly Hills uncensored yesterday. Thank you. So good.

So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so good. But I have a question for you. I'm nervous. Did you feel me get nervous? Yeah, because I'm about to put you on the spot. So one of the things that you said was you really hated – excuse me. I keep on burping up my Tiago coffee because I got a large one for today.

But you were talking about Kyle. You were like, it shows Kyle's true colors, yada, yada, yada. Can you explain again what your stance was on that? We'll be talking about just Kyle's colors a lot in the show, but this is where I get it and where I got it from that. The entire thing with this Kim being drunk and how it's played out on the show and especially at the end of season one where kyle was like i just lost it and i started screaming at her in the limo i didn't even mean to do it it just came out because i was so

mad and called her an angry drunk and all this stuff and then it's turned into you know she never wants to talk about it and then it's oh well we didn't even know and it's all this bullshit from kyle because kyle's never honest about anything and that real housewives of beverly hills uncensored showed that they showed their audition tapes so they showed that they all knew she was a drunk first of all the thing with kim the audition tape of kim where she's like yeah my sister always thinks i'm drunk it's's like, you know, she's married to a Mexican, and I try to talk Mexican to him, and then

she's like, what, are you drunk? And I'm like, how come you can speak Mexican, but when I do it, I'm drunk? Well, because you're drunk. Thing is, she was already like a raging drunk. Everybody knew it. The show knew it because they talk about it in her fucking audition tape, or they reference it, at least. So then we get to

the finale okay they're showing the behind the scenes finale of season one and you see kyle get all the women together to come confront kim while she's wasted and she knows she's wasted so she's gonna start yelling at kim in a big circle of girls like a chola she doesn't she doesn't gather the women but she doesn't gather the women around expressly to do that she does it in front of the women but she doesn't gather the women around so that way she can yell at kyle gathers the women around whenever she's gonna fight someone with in a finale and i've seen her do it in every single one she did it last year too with kim she literally got the one she dragged women over there and remember there were like spectators watching around that kyle had brought over to watch she does that she puts kim up there so she can rip her down on purpose she knows she's

wasted they've talked about the fact that she's wasted at this finale i get that the problems i'm not saying that kim's off scot-free obviously i've had plenty of judgy things to say about her too but anybody with your judgy eyes and with my judgy fucking gay accent oh my good so i'm not standing up for kim it's just that kyle is such a bitch she's an evil evil manipulative bitch she gathers the people around to do it to hate on kim then anybody who who's got addiction in their family or friends and has had to deal with it in any way knows you don't confront a drunk when they're drunk. You don't confront someone about being drunk when they're drunk. That's just A, stupid. They're never going to remember it the next day.

And B, it's mean in a way, especially when you're attacking them with other people because you're attacking somebody you know cannot defend themselves. So then Cam is like, fuck this. You see or know what that what kyle's gonna do so kim's like i can't do this so she starts losing it and sobbing and this is not a fake housewife cry this is a drunk sad miserable i mean that girl had like straw hair scotch taped onto her head it was not cute so kim starts running away then kyle takes the crew and starts chasing her she doesn't she does the producers do so the i'm sorry so i'll so i watched this months ago so it's i watched this just last night i watched that's what i'm saying

so it's foggy to me so i'm gonna defog you she doesn't she doesn't get the crew she wants oh well no keep going i want to hear your take on it so you keep on going and then i'm going to uh correct the things that maybe have like fogged over in your head and then i'll give my red pen out girl because i probably got a lot of checks i need on this okay so she's trying to get away you see her at the elevator sobbing how's the stairs work how did it work so the elevator comes she gets in the crew's following her everywhere they're not letting her leave the hotel right so the crew is basically these producers who are acting like such victims like

it's so hard for us to watch get out of here you're chasing her with fucking a drunk woman trying to make her do this all on national TV. And all she's trying to do is get away at this point. So then she's in the limo because they can't film in the hotel because now they're running all over the hotel not letting her leave. So finally she gets in a limo. She says a million times, I don't want to do this. I can't do this. I don't want to do this.

So she's in the limo. They don't let her leave. They don't drive away. They wait. They call Kyle over. And Kyle comes. Like she's just the limo they don't let her leave they don't drive away they wait they call kyle over and kyle comes like she's just waiting for this so then she gets in and acts all innocent after she's been so dramatic this whole episode like oh i can't believe she's doing this then she gets in the limo like she's had nothing to do with it and goes what's up kim what's up like all

calm and nice kyle's an awful fucking bitch then you see her break down i don't know the whole thing just knowing that it was that um this clear that kim was so fucked up and those producers chased her through that hotel and then kyle wouldn't let her get away without having this drunk conversation this is an interesting this is an interesting exercise on like perception and i think perhaps also projection and i'm going to be also giving my take on it because i'm going to be projecting things onto it as well and i'm also going to be perceiving it in a certain way and and there are it's interesting the way you perceive it and the way i perceive it and and the way you know the way i interpret the whole thing so first of all um

so i am just going to put it out there you know both sisters they're fucked up you know they really are fucked up uh kyle should kyle have confronted her sister in front of all these people probably not should she have gone after her sister after she left the rooftop there probably not um but you know the way you say it it almost makes it sound like i know you make it sound like kyle is this out of control evil evil evil bitch and i actually don't see it that way i see her as uh not being perhaps smart in how she confronts her like like you said should she have confronted her when she was drunk like that? No. But I also understand the idea of like here she has this girl. She's drunk and she's been drinking and it's been happening all season and it's frustrating and it's like you are at your wit's end dealing with it.

You know, like that's – like I get that. I really do. And you're probably not going to – you know, anytime, whether anytime you're having an issue with someone, whether they're like the issue is alcoholism or just that you have an issue with a friend. Sometimes you just get to a point, a breaking point where they do the smallest thing. They're like, here, I brought you some tuna fish. You're like, you know what? Fuck you. You know, I can see, I can see it. I can see it happening. So I actually give her a little bit of a pass in that situation because Kim was drunk and it was inappropriate and she shouldn't have been drinking and yada, yada, yada. I mean she was late to the party because she had to be sobering up in a limo with her manager.

So anyway, once they have this fight – so Kim leaves. Excuse me, Cassandra Escobar. So Kim leaves. She wasn't running around all through. They weren't like chasing her around. She went down to the lobby and she was screaming, apparently. Apparently she was screaming in the lobby

and they weren't allowed to film her in the lobby. And so they got her up to the hotel room to calm her down. So yes, they were still filming her. And yes, they were still documenting her. yes they were still documenting her but it wasn't as if she was running around trying to get rid of them she was just like being crazy so then eventually was because she was screaming i'm not doing this she's she's coming like she's coming at me or something i'm not doing this and then you would hear them talk and she's like no no i'm not

doing this i want to go well um i mean i mean i i don't know because well because the thing was so here here's where it was it wasn't that kyle was kyle was chasing her kyle wanted to go what happened was that when kim left kyle still had things that she wanted to say so she wanted to go down to the lobby but they wouldn't allow filming there so they were going to like have kim calm down in the in the in the hotel room so that way they could then have a conversation but kim was so out of her mind and by the way kim was saying really nasty things too so i don't you know like if you're gonna come down on kyle you have to come down on kim saying like i hate her i don't even like her.

I mean, that's really hateful stuff. Kyle wasn't saying that to Kim. Well, yeah, because she had just been circled by all these vultures because she knows that Kyle's about to out her for being an alcoholic on national TV. But that's Kim's fault. It is. And that's the thing. I'm not going to take – Well, it's Kim's fault that she's an alcoholic on national TV for sure.

But yeah, and so I'm like I'm not going to take, well, it's Kim's fault that she's an alcoholic on national TV for sure. But yeah. And so I'm like, I'm not going to, I don't know. There's like a, I actually felt like in your interpretation of it, there was actually a unspoken sort of sympathy for Kim. Like they're chasing the poor girl around and she says, she just doesn't want to believe it.

She doesn't want to be part of it. Doesn't want to be a part of it. It's like, I don't have quite a sympathetic view. I'm not saying that you were like, Oh my God, poor Kim. You weren't saying that,

but there was an implication of like, you know, poor girl alone it's like no she's drunk and she's probably and she's driven everyone crazy right that i did i have sympathy for her in that situation for sure and i and i i have i have some sympathy it's like not as it's not black and white it's very easy to talk about this in a black and white situation i know you weren't really me in a black and white so i have oh i do kyle's a fucking black and white situation. I know you weren't really me in a black and white. So I have. Oh, I do. Kyle's a fucking evil cunt.

There you go. That's what I like. I have I have some sympathy for Kim, which is that she's like, get me out of the situation. And the producers are are keeping the cameras on. I do get that. But I don't have a huge amount because she is drunk and she just said that she hates her sister. Regardless, you know, you know, that Kyle just yelled at her. You know, we don't know for sure what Kyle's motivations were when those women were around. But Kim was out of her mind.

So she's screaming in the elevator, slapping the elevator thing. And so at that point, the hotel actually kicks them out. She's like, you got to get her out of here. So they take her down to the limo. And that's when, you know, that's when Kyle goes into the limo. And then they have their talk. And I didn't read it as Kyle being like, what's wrong? I read it as like, like, what is wrong? Like, like, why? Like, you're going like off the deep end, you know, like, and then, you know, then we see what goes on from there. But my take on it

was not that Kyle was chasing Kim all around the hotel, and the producers were, you know, chasing her around, and she was just trying to get out of this prison of a reality film shoot. It was, I saw it as Kyle confronted Kim, Kim lost her mind, and was going nuts, and had to be kicked out of the hotel. And then Kyle goes down to talk to her, going nuts and had to be kicked out of the hotel and then kyle goes down to talk to her being like what is wrong with you and so i just don't see it as as as such an evil thing on kyle's part because what i totally agree with you that everything's kim's fault as far as being drunk being an alcoholic blaming everybody else i mean i've spent hours on this show railing against kim you know i don't even want to do that today because she's not even on it right now.

But I've railed. Like, I get it. And I'm not standing up for Kim. It's just in this situation, she was so drunk. Everyone knew it. And it's almost, I don't want to call it rape, but it's like reality TV rape. It's like you see that the woman is not in her right mind she knows what's coming from kyle because that's why she runs kyle starts with her in front of

everybody and kim knows what the fuck is coming so she runs the hell away because she does not want this on national tv because she's mortified even though she's drunk so she's going away and they don't let her leave yeah they don't i mean i understand it's a caged animal it's i get that and when you're confronted the reason to confront her of course kyle has reason and of course kyle should be going for her and of course kyle has a right to be angry etc etc it's just that kyle does it on national tv on purpose like she's confronting this bitch on purpose knowing that she's not in her right mind and the producers are not only letting it happen but they're following her and like trapping her in this fucking limo and they know she's not in her right mind it's not okay i mean if she's alcoholism is an illness which every but that's what it is now you know it's like it's an illness and i'm not

saying whether i agree with that or not i really it is i don't know but if we're going to call it an illness then you're chasing someone you're chasing a sick person to get your fucking finale point and it's not cool i just don't see it as cynically as that i see it as kyle being a woman who's had to like maintain this secret for such a long time and then it's almost like like here I am here I had to keep the secret for so long and what do you show up drunk and then I have to make more and more excuses and and just being pushed to the limit you know perhaps push the limit because you know I'm sure the stress of doing a reality show just makes everything come to a head like if it was just normal life she could have probably handled it and she probably been mad at kim and spoken with her afterwards in private but when i do think

that probably when you're on a reality show i think you are peppered with questions people are coming at you i think your mind goes in crazy places and so i do see it as like i have i'm having to like hold the secret i you put me in this position where i have to keep your alcoholism a secret and you're sneaking bottles into things you're doing this and you're sure i'm drunk and you're also by the way like you don't have i've had this long feud and you can't you can't even have my back because you were drunk and in all this stuff and it just it comes to a head it's like you know again like should kyle have done it like that probably not most certainly most certainly most certainly not but i don't think the fact that she did do it

makes her an evil cut fitness i see it as someone who has you know been drip like pushed to the push to the edge and that's the thing i mean that's that's one of the reasons i saw it in season one i mean at the end of season one we were both huge fans of kyle we loved her and i actually thought she was a bitch season one oh i liked her but i thought she was a bitch yeah me too but like in the way that i like i was totally team kyle in season one totally totally i was team camille well no no i hated camille no i was i was team i was team kyle but i hated when she did things like, I would never say that, Camille. I was like, Kyle, don't say it like that. That's not apologetic.

Yeah. Well, I was team Kyle. And even after this confrontation when she said, you're a nasty drunk, my opinion at that time was, well, that's what you get. You're a nasty drunk. You show up and you're drunk. And it's not her fault if you push her to the edge and then you start accusing her of all this stealing your house or whatever and she breaks because that's how we saw it uh that's how we saw it all cut together so i do i agree like you you get thrown into that point where you're so mad and the cameras are there and kyle just broke and she's like that's it you're a dirty

alcoholic but then when we saw uncensored we saw that that's not what happened at all that had been going on for hours and that was the end of a very long scene where kyle was trying to confront her about being an alcoholic anyway and i just think that's not cool and she's complaining that kim doesn't have her back when the whole point of the scene was her for the whole point of this finale was for her to out kim about being an alcoholic on national tv and i just don't think that that's cool and yeah i do i don't even think it's cynical i think it's absolutely true i think she manipulates shit and we'll talk about it well i think i mean listen well this is different i mean if you say you don't think it's cool agreed if you say she manipulates shit agreed but i don't think she's an evil c word like i just i feel like i understand where it all came from like i i just i don't think it was a like a malicious um let me make my sister look as bad as possible on national tv i just don't see it i i see it as someone

who has like i'm i'm i'm paying her bills i'm'm like, I'm burdened with all these things. And I've been burdened with these secrets and these responsibilities with Kim. And what does she do? She shows up late and I have to cover for her. And she's inconsiderate. She doesn't have my back. It's, you know, and being like.

But she doesn't, she wasn't covering her. She was talking about her being an alcoholic to people the whole night. They showed her like, Kim's drunk. Kim seems drunk, na, na, na. She wasn't covering her for was talking about her being an alcoholic to every to people the whole night they showed her like kim's drunk kim seems drunk na na na she wasn't covering her for her at all so i think we're just gonna have to like agree to disagree because what makes us good is that you have that side that i don't have where you can see the good well because in this situation i just can't i think that's fine that's that's fine i mean this is actually what makes their relationship so fascinating because they have such a complicated um

past especially then when you bring in kathy and then you bring in situations mauricio and bring in their mom that's what actually makes the richard sisters really compelling TV because it's so gray. You can't – because I see it as Kyle being pushed this way. You see it as Kyle being manipulative. And that's kind of like a very intrinsically exercise on perspective and projection because here we are looking at raw footage and we still are seeing two different things. And I think that's really fascinating. And honestly, there's probably no right or wrong. But it is interesting.

And it's also an extremely sad situation. I feel kind of bad for that whole family. They have been totally, totally messed up by this mother that they revere to this day. I mean, it's their mom, but like they're, they're fucked. They're fucked.

They're fucked. We can around that. That was shown. I mean, over a month ago and it can still get me riled up. It was great. I mean, it was the whole,

the whole hour was great. I'm glad I finally got to watch that. I was shocked at how good that episode was. I was not planning on it, and it was so good. So thanks a month and a half later for that episode, and I'm so glad you watched it. I'm so, so glad. Thanks for making me watch it. It was really riveting, riveting television.

All right. I'll watch Workout to make up for it. You're on the losing end of that deal. You're on the losing end of that deal. You're on the losing end of that deal. You're Kyle in this situation. You totally manipulated this so I would watch workout today. Work, body.

I was just trying to run out of that hotel and Ben kept following me, pelting me with workout. Work, bitch. My shoulder, arthritis. No range of motion. That was this week's episode. And Joe being like, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to start my own brand. I'm going to start my own brand. It'll be really great. It'll be a lifetime brand. Toiletries and gym bars and protein shakes. It's going to be Joe Laszlo. Joe Laszlo Foundation. I don't know.

It was so stupid. So stupid. So you want to talk about Beverly Hills first or shush? Beverly Hills. Because it's Beverly Hills. Why not? Yeah, you have to give Beverly Hills the A, right? There were like 10 scenes with Hanky.

So, of course. Oh, Hanky was the star of this episode. And next week looks like we get a big ol' Hanky storyline, so I am buckling my seatbelts. Hanky is the best housewife they've brought on in a while. Hanky, neurotic ass Hanky, stalker ass. Hanky's a scary fucking swan, man. And we got a lot of Hanky today. Yeah, there's a lot of Hanky and Hanky reaction shots.

Pat that puss. Pat that puss. Pat the puss. So we open at the Vanderpumps and the first lines of the show Tina! Tina! And Lisa's coming out of the mansion

followed by my queen, Rocio. And she's like, Rocio, Hank and Houston are here with Tina. And I was devastated about that. Lame Lisa Rinna and the horse. Lame horse in Ohio, darling. So she has had the midget horse turned into midget glue.

God bless that little pregnant donkey horse. Bye, donkey. Dead now. You know it's dead. Clear the lame donkey. Clear the pregnant donkey, darling. We can't have a pregnant midget donkey when Jesus is born, darling. Mary is pregnant.

Stop upstaging Mary, donkey horse. Darling, you know how much I hate the Shrek franchise. No donkeys, please. Or Cameron Diaz. donkey horse darling you know how much i hate the shrek franchise no donkeys please oh cameron diaz so tina for some reason stays in the suv for a good 20 minutes i don't know if she's doing her hair adjusting her implants i don't know so i thought the mini horse was named tina at first i'm like oh tina's here i was like oh they named their mini horse tina that's strange i wish they would name the mini horse Tina, because that would be amazing.

She's like, oh, Tina, looks just like you, little horse face. Welcome to the family, little tiny Tina. We're going to get Groupon implants put in you immediately. I'm sorry to make fun of Tina's implants, but those things were the Groupon squares that were not under the tissue enough, and you could see them moving under her skin, and it just made me so uncomfortable they were like the benny hill episode where two bald guys were like at a

desk and then there was a woman standing in front of them and you're like oh my god look at her boobs then she stands up she's in bikini and then they lift up their heads it's like they've got faces it's like oh no those weren't boobs those were just bald heads it's like two people with beanbag sex squares just i don't know hitting them at each other for no reason it's like two people with beanbag sex squares just i don't know hitting them at each other for no reason it's like a fight of beanbag square boobs or tiner you need a higher profit margin on those midget horses tiner oh do people still have beanbags i miss beanbags they do at target but they're filled with that shit that they send in FedEx boxes, the foam popcorns or whatever. I'm not going to sit on fucking FedEx packing.

Target, get some beans in there. When I was 17 – okay, sorry, everyone. Little tiny story. Like Tina, tiny Tina story. When I was 17, I really wanted a bean bag for our TV watching room. And I was like, I'm going to get a bean bag. I'm going to find a bean bag. I don't know where to get one because it's pre-internet.

So for some reason, I thought they might sell beanbags at Ethan Allen, which is hilarious in and of itself. So I actually called up Ethan Allen. I was like, hello, do you sell beanbags? And they're like, this is the world headquarters. I called Ethan Allen world headquarters to find out about beanbags. Then may I please speak with President Beanbag?

Oh, youth. Anyway, go on. Oh, youth. Oh, that youth. Remember when all of us called Furniture Headquarters looking for beanbag chairs, darling? Lisa Van Plum's like, as it turns out, the president of Ethan Allen is a very good friend of mine. And they have a secret tiny horse division. so they sent over an Ethan Allen tiny horse. Well, Chris, I gave old Ethan a sack of beans to give to his maid, darling.

Rocio didn't want them, so I gave them to him, and he thought it was a chair and sat down, and hence the invention of the bean bag chair. We have an entire plantation where we grow beans to put in our bean bags. That's just what we do with our extra money. We have farm-to-table bean bags. We have seven farms and four cities and nine bean fields. Mr. Bean was actually based on one of the workers in our bean fields. Good friend of ours. Enjoy the bean teeny, Good friend of ours. Enjoy the bean-tini, darling.

Bean-tini. All right, darling, you know what? Chef Penny, get over here. You must soak the beans before you make the bean-tini. How many times must I tell you this, Chef Tenny? Do not abandon your beans. Oh, one time at a dinner

party back in the day, a magnate of cars was having cocktails with us, and he was drinking a bean teeny, and he said, this is the best pinto I've ever had. And then he invented the pinto, darling. It all happened at one of our dinner parties. Oh, those were the days. Darling, one time we had this wonderful man come over,

and we said, get him a bean teeny. Well, needless to say, we made him a bean teeny with a black eye. And I said, you're enjoying this so much, you should make a musical band out of it. And that's what he did. His name was Will. I am. And to this day, we still think of him every time he sings a song. And I'll be in teenies.

I wonder if Will. I am is a Star Wars fan because he named himself like Yoda would. Will. I am. So anyway, there's this big SUV in the front of the mansion and these little horses are in the backseat, which was hilarious. They just like flip open the door and there's little horses in there. They're like watching Aladdin 7. Kim Fields is like carpool with little horses.

My dream. The horses wouldn't stop complaining until they turn on the dvd player she's so funny they want to watch the swan and hanky is still in that place in the pond that's staring at ken's weird statue by the front door and hanky's just watching them go in i wrote down every hanky movement me too i wrote by the way i wrote that down too i said horses walking past hanky and did you notice that when the horses walked over that down every hanky movement. Me too. By the way, I wrote that down too. I said horses walking past hanky. And did you notice that when the horses walked over that little bridge, hanky like zoomed by as if to be like, wait, wait, wait, wait. What about me? Yes.

Hanky was a drama queen this whole episode. It was beautiful. Yeah. So Lisa immediately takes him into the house because that's what you do with two little horses, I guess. And she says, I guess it might be odd for some people to have horses in the house, but not here. They're part of the family and they have a right. We still let Max here and he hasn't peed in the toilet for years. This is where I actually felt terrible for Rocio because it shows how little they really they know of what she does because if they're just

going to walk two farm animals into their house and be like no they can be in the house that part of the family i'm like you know rosie's gonna be picking up shit everywhere i mean that's what ken said ken's like shit shit shit i'm like no no that's rosio wiping down the p and picking up the shit he's gotta tell her to do it he He's going to be like, Rocio, did you get the weed or something? I have to talk to her about getting more and more pee and poop in my house now. Well, you know there's going to be a scene of, like, the little Tina pooping in the foyer. And then they're like, oh, part of the family. And then Hanky's going to, like, poop in the kitchen.

They'll be like, Hanky, bad swan, bad swan. Back to the reprogramming veterinarian for you. Hanky just needs to have a talk with little Tina. We need to work things out between them. Hanky's been acting out ever since little Tina arrived. Oh, Hanky, do we have to take you to swan therapy? Fine. Hanky, we had Hanky do finger painting therapy, darling. We just put his little hands in finger paints

and we're going to a reader today to see what's happening. Henky's angry, darling. Henky's going to shoot up a pond if we don't do something about this Tina situation. Henky wants to go on Ancestry.com and find out who his real mother is and I can't help but wonder if he does find her. Will he still treat me as his

real mother? I'm his mother now. I'm your mother, Hanky. No Ancestry.com for you, Hanky. Oh, that was a good scene, that Ancestry.com and Max is like, I don't care, they're rich. They're not richer than Lisa, so he's like, okay, you're still my mom. Hanky's been acting

out recently, so we're going to enroll him in Los Angeles School of Music. We're taking him to Hollywood, and he's going to go learn drumming in the back room. We're letting Hanky live in a town with homeless. Whatever you need to do, Hanky, we'll always be here to send someone on this path to pick you up. Hanky, why aren't you paying for your electricity bills? What's wrong with you? You have to learn responsibility, Hanky. Hanky, you won't be invited into your father's next 70th birthday party

until you've learned to pay your rent. Poor Max is never invited anywhere. It's always Pandy and her gay husband. Max is like, God bless his little heart he's like mom the bus was late sorry i mean this was a perfect oh go ahead i'm gonna say he legitimately is a bus boy sir i mean he really is he's a bus boy i actually kind of respect that you have to respect that you know lisa rita has her kids works in a deli max were as a bus boy good for them you respect it for the first year but when it's like four years later and your son's still a busboy, good for them. You respect it for the first year,

but when it's like four years later and your son's still a busboy, y'all need to whip him into shape. At least be a waiter. Get a podcast. Do what the rest of us do. My parents are proud. So I was going to move on to Erica. Is that, oh no, is there more? it's erica's house views it's basically

the set of little whorehouse of texas or whatever it's like this big whorehouse that she lives in and she's posing on this gigantic old people couch with a huge fur blanket laid over it i'm like oh my god girl look i ain't against a hoe but at least put a on the air sign or something on your front door so no one's just walking in there i need some privacy in my hoe house erica yeah now i like erica so far i think she's pretty funny and pretty self-aware but um i think it's funny she has this tom who is her husband and like a high power important attorney and she's like i'm just as busy as thomas i'm like no i know i knew you were the toyah voice but she has toyah voice what can i say

i'm just as busy erica jane is just as busy as thomas erica jane erica yeah she has this the editors are hilarious on this show we talk about about it all the time. They're particularly good on this show because Erica's scene is like Beverly Hills and then they go they do that whooshing thing and they show the Hollywood, the entrance to Hollywood and then they just show drag queens walking on the street.

I was dying. Also, a few months ago, I was walking home one night completely not drunk at all, like 4 in the morning. And on the corner of my street, there was just this glitter drag queen pump. And you could tell it's a drag queen pump because, I mean, it was in my neighborhood. And no one wears pumps in my neighborhood, at least women. And it was huge.

And it was gold glitter. And I put it on Twitter. And I was like, this is hilarious. So this opens with a shot of those gold pumps swung over a light pole and i just thought god you know i do believe in a god or something like the universe does have this weird way of working that it puts these little signs this was all destined to happen i've seen the shoe that shoe made it to my corner. It's on my Instagram. I love you. I love you, universe.

Cut to Ronnie in his apartment, scrawling on the walls with arrows and like illegible scribbles. I mean, like, I figured it out. It's a gold pump and there's all these circles pointing to a gold pump, like diagrams, et cetera. You're like Jim Carrey in that movie.

Like the world is ending. The world starts on fire. Everybody's dying. And we find out it was kyle and everybody's like ronnie told us she was a terrorist cut fitness you have like a beard listen what was that movie oh i think it's called 23 or something like that or the number 23 and like everything was related to the number 23 to jim carrey i don't know yes that was some good work by jim carrey by the way i don't know what happened to him. I think that movie killed his career,

but yeah, well, he was trying to be on fun. It was trying to be serious. I mean, Jim Carrey is a good actor. I love Jim Carrey, by the way.

I think he is so funny to this day. Anyway, unrelated. So Erica, I wasn't ignoring you. I was, I was sucking in some fog. There was nothing to say.

It was going to be a Jim Carrey story. I was excited to hear it. No, I was just, I was just making sure the world heard my thoughts on Jim Carrey. So far, you know about beanbags. You know about Jim Carrey. I know they were excited because I literally was like, oh, I've never heard him talk about Jim Carrey.

I'm going to take a nice big fog puff for this. Sit back and let's hear what he has to say about Jim Carrey. No, I just, you know, I don't necessarily agree with what he thinks about vaccines, but I do agree with him on all his comic choices. Well, to be fair, he just had that opinion for pussy because he was dating Jenny McCarthy at the time. I'm proud of him. That's a new meaning to OPP.

You know, going on Twitter and starting a war about autism just because you like somebody, I mean, that's good. That's a man who works for his bus. So, speaking of stuff like that, we got to see some more about Erica, and she went to meet up with her gays. She's getting into her cat suit.

Another see-through outfit with a big triangle over the bush. I don't know if that's her trademark. I guess it's her trademark. Pat the puss. Pat the puss. Pat the puss. Pat the puss. Pat the puss.

And then when she put this one on, she looked in the mirror and she went, eat a dick. I was like, okay. We've got a new dance move. So then she's like naked and squeezing into this. I don't even know.

I'm just trying to, I don't even know what, she's trying to, I don't even know. She's trying to squeeze. And I'm thinking, I get that you're like sexual and stuff. Go for it, girl. But I do not need to see you leaking all over this dressing room. No one needs to see you naked. Get your shit on. And she looked like she was pooping on that poor guy.

And it was really awkward and kind of gross to watch. And I felt amazed. Actually, I felt giddy inside. Because I was like, here's someone who thinks they're being like a sexy hoe on TV, and they just look like some weird, awkward, old, rubber-faced lady trying to get a sock into a foot that's the wrong size or whatever. It just made her look like a performer, like a fire-breathing performer you'd see at a rich person's party. That's all. Actually, poor people have them too i just went to a birthday party a couple weeks ago and there was a lady twirling fire batons in like a yogi outfit it's like what was the name of the uh the woman from a blood sweat and heels and she had the

she has the agency uh that chantal shant yeah shanti she has the agency that like basically represents fire breathers and sword swallowers. I'm going to change the face of parties. My brother works in a yogurt factory. I love Shanti, actually. I loved her. She was such a bitch. What was the...

Erica's Gays, do they own this house, though? Erica's gays, do they own this house though? From Wondery, this is Black History for Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others.

Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harreld, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt

to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. I think so. It said, I think they were, I think they're this brand called Marco Squared. I think that's what they are. I was dying that they're basically, they own this

hoe shop and they're like, okay, Erica's still rich. Let's just choreograph a hoe show for her based around our hoe show, Chloe, and just call things pathopuss and her based around our ho show, Chloe. And just call things Pat the Puss and Eat a Dick. I'm so awkward. Those queens are just taking that old man's money.

They're like, we'll take it. He's probably funded that whole store. Yeah. Triangles over the puss. All right. Aileen. Aileen. That's my best friend.

Sorry, Aileen. Aileen and Vince at lunch. Oh, yeah. Aileen and Vince at lunch. Oh, yeah. Aileen and Vince. At a taco stand. Aileen and Vince at Benito's Tacos because Vince has gambled away all of the lunch money. Yeah, exactly. I love so...

Well, they're having this funny argument. And I was watching this. Remember Jenny Pham? Mm-hmm. So she's in town from Germany. And we were watching it together. eileen was uh doing this whole she was saying they she was like i'm sorry for being a bitch this morning and you know eileen was was talking to him about something and he's like you're attacking me and she's like no i'm just expressing to you and jenny was like losing her shit she's

like this is my life she's like you try to talk to guys and they think you're attacking them and you're just talking because because you get talked to like this and now and then and then and then that's an attack it's not just expressing your feelings you know expressing your feelings is like honey it would have been nice if you called me back it's not oh which you know it is because i am a woman and that's how i talk to my men i know how it works you got to keep them in line well she starts with this whole dicky van patton i was like great you know i'm glad that he was famous he's not on this show stop fucking talking about him i don't care get rid him. He's no longer a national treasure. Clear the van pattern.

Eight is enough. What's even more enough? Seven. Seven's enough. Seven. Eight is enough. Seven is not. So she's talking about Dickie and kind of explaining Vince's personality in a way because he's spent all day at the track.

He's still wearing those same sunglasses, probably the same underwear. He looks all crinkly and broke and angry. And so they're having this thing. She's like, well, Dickie loved Del Mar. You know, Dickie's saying was something like tennis in the morning, tennis in the afternoon, and racing at night. No, tennis in the morning, racing in the afternoon, and racing at night. No. Tennis in the morning, racing in the afternoon, and poker at night or something like that. And she said that was going on as headstone, which cracked me up.

Yeah. But also that's not really a saying. It's kind of a speech in AA. You know? It's like. Yeah. Tennis was in the morning and then the afternoon was racing and then it was poker i just want to die i can't believe i've done this to my family she's like yep we're

putting it on its tombstone well my favorite part about all that was how uh vinny was like yeah so i went to the races and you know just gonna like just watch not like not gamble that much and then he's like he's like but then i hit it big and then i hit it and i hit it and i hit it and i hit it she's like whoa how much did you win he's like six hundred dollars it's like what i think he'd be like oh i won twelve thousand dollars you won six hundred dollars i mean it's cool i mean i would love to win six hundred dollars but he made it sound like he just paid rent for the next six months well six hundred dollars could at least cover up the faux painting job from the 80s in your living room people put that do not put that money into a nickel slot my other so their fight was very funny because he's pissed so she's

just trying to do this nice husband and wife scene and he won't let her he's giving her a dirty ass look behind those gas store sunglasses and or those gas station sunglasses he's giving her this really mean look and she said okay look i'd like to say i'm sorry for the conversation this morning and he's like wow you just can't attack me first thing don't turn him into sheena don't turn him into sheena i can't believe you wouldn't talk to me before 9 a.m i'm obsessed with sheena i cannot get her out of my mind i love her so he's saying you can't attack me at six in the morning hon you have to wait at least till nine and she's like so what if i'm mad i have to wait until 9 a.m that's not gonna work for me vince he's like yeah but i can't do it at six she's like no i'm not gonna wait at nine to yell at you and that was so funny because he's totally serious i know like

yell at me at nine i thought in the previews for this episode he was gonna call her an idiot or something and i did but of course it was tricky editing he said because you're an idiot and then she laughs and cracks up oh i've seen okay so he did say that and then she laughs but then she stops because he's not laughing and she's like can't you just accept my apology and move on and i'm like bitch you're in soap operas that is you know that's not how it works yeah yeah still mad about lisa rena getting recast back in the 80s that's right that's to move on you're still talking about dickie okay well speaking of lisa rena um it was like a week ago that he died i'm like get over it i know he's a national treasure for some people um but uh lisa rena by the way i had a dream like

two nights ago that involved l Rinna and Harry Hamlin I think I made them mad and they were like angry at me and it was stressful they're like yelling at you with hugs I know Lisa Rinna's like alright mister I've had enough out of you okay

look the way that you talk to me I'm taking a half a star off your Amazon review. All right, buddy? We'll revise when product changes. Guess what, mister? I found a job at the Boar's Head counter. Okay? You're going to be working there.

Okay? Whoa. That came out of my mouth weird. Ben's always been pig-headed, so I got him a job at the Bors Headline. So Lisa Reno is with her daughters at Il Tremosino, which has such a good chicken sandwich. If anyone is coming to L.A., I highly recommend the chicken sandwich at Il Tremosino. I love it. Love it.

Have you ever had it? No. I only eat at places that are on my block or really cheap. It is cheap. It's like a $9 sandwich, which for LA is cheap. Where is it? There's two locations. There's one in Beverly Hills on Camden or something like that.

I think it's Camden. And there's one in Studio City. So yeah, I don't go to it often either because it's not near me. But if I'm ever in the neighborhood, ooh, I love their chicken sandwich. Their chicken special. Anyway. Well, I, of course, wrote notes about the waiter because I love talking about the waiters. So I have to point out that this is the second scene and the second waiter.

And the reason they bug me is because extras on these shows act like they're auditioning for something and I want to kill them. So this waiter was like chunky and really nice. And I was like, he they're auditioning for something and i want to kill them so this waiter was like chunky and really nice and i was like he's not auditioning he totally redeemed eileen's waiter who's this girl's like hi how are we it was like how are we no one cares how you are okay don't put yourself into wheat we're the customers bring me some bread bitch and then they're like i'm gonna have this What should we do? And she's like, I have a great idea. How about you both order it and you share them? I was like, you need to go fuck yourself.

You're not getting on TV again. Get clear. Clear the auditioning bimbo. I love that there was this perfectly sweet girl on TV who just makes a suggestion about splitting entrees and they're like she is just the cutest she's the cutest you're like get her the fuck off my tv yeah fuck her she's only being cute because it's lisa rena if that was anybody else she'd be like are you ready yet okay so renee and kids the waiter that's all i wrote just kidding so this is intercut with a kyle scene and it's about how they raise their

kids and it's supposed to be i think because they keep talking about how different they are but i think it's supposed to be rena is not um teenage girls naughty but they both have teenage girls but rena makes hers work and stuff and she makes them stay in cabins even though bears have ripped down the doors before and she like terrifies them on purpose it was it was supposed to be like oh like the awkwardness of teenage girls so i have a lot to say here okay do it now this is going to be it's i'm treading dangerous waters because i want to talk about sofia and sofia i know she's under 18 so i want to be respectful because you know i want to be respectful okay because she's a kid she's a kid and i'm i wear and and kyle's kids are lovely kids they really are understands bullying better

than children darling but at the same time the point of this podcast is is to we are expressing the things that go through your head when you watch these shows right that's what we come together for and we like we basically we we kibitz over it right so i was watching it with jenny i'm gonna make i'm gonna drag jenny into this that way i'm not fully to blame if i get any hate for this but i think it's time for sophia to grow up a little bit i do i think it's like you know what like we remember like two years ago when you got your earpiece, ear pierced and you like freaked out or whatever. You know what? Don't get your earpiece a second time if you're going to do that.

Like you can't be walking into the ear pierce place with like all this makeup in terms of like trying to look, you know, older and more adult and mature. Like I don't, I mean, I don't care if you wear makeup. I'm not like, she's wearing makeup. She's a little whore. No, I saying that but if you're gonna be like okay i'm an adult now i'm a young adult i'm you know i'm a teenager you can't be squealing like your baby sister portia in the ear piercing thing that's how they it's all from kyle don't you remember and that's what i was gonna say next i was The one when Kyle got on a plane and she's like, I'm on a plane, I'm so scared. But she's not scared at all.

She just needs fucking attention. And then travels around the world on planes. I was going to say that exact thing next. Because it was like, you know what, though? She's her mother's daughter. Because Kyle does the same thing in any little thing of like, you know, like, oh, my God, no, no. I'm like, well, you know where she learned it from. It's annoying.

It's like an attention grab. It's like making up a fear that you don't really have just so you could be a girl on TV. So her girl's having this fit like, and crying. And then when it's Portia's turn, she starts crying because now she's seen her mother and her sister.

So she's acting like a big wuss just so she can be like him. And you know what I thought? Fuck this. They should make the army look mandatory for little fuckers in Beverly Hills. Fuck you, you privileged little fucks. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to you. You're sobbing in a Rothstein Jewelers, you know, acting like you're terrified.

Go to fucking basic camp or whatever they call that. Do some push-ups. Get shot at a few times, you dumb little whores. All of you. I'm sick of you. Your stupid cars hate those kids for the record for the record i did not call them dumb little whores that was ronnie i don't care i did it i include all of them in that except for in his kids because one of them

makes toast and i love toast get out of here well no i mean uh what's her face uh alexia is seems like she's pretty mature but um i just i just felt like that's her first fuck you mom i'll be on her side until then yeah i'm assuming you're all apples that have fallen off that tree and i'm not making pie out of your ratchet asses yeah no i i just thought like uh i just was like don't like don't be walking in don't be walking into the ear piercing place like you're a young adult now and then you're like uh crying like uh your your baby sister like don't do that grow a pair sophia but you're still really pretty she did have an amazing uh moment here the kids had an amazing moment what was i even gonna say kyle oh kyle did have an amazing moment here when

she was talking because porsche was next and she freaked out too. And Kyle said when Portia came out of the womb, she stopped breathing for a minute and we were freaking out. And then she started breathing and the doctor told us, I'm warning you now, she's just a drama queen. And so we've been calling her a drama queen ever since. I think that's just hilarious, Portia, because I love Portia. Even if I just called her a dumb little whore in conjunction with her sisters. Maybe I should say dumb. You're going to get a hostile letter from Mauricio.

Yeah, right. I'm not rich enough for him to even give a shit. And if I was rich enough, he'd be like, hey, I heard you talk about my daughters. She's got a listing on Mulholland. Fuck off. So he'd be like renting them out. So anyway drama queen loved it still love porsche and i even loved her an improv class for making the improv teacher with camel toe look stupid okay i won't get to that yet vanderpump purse dogs abs there's like a lady running with abs and

purse dogs and i'm like i hate this town. And I love living here. Vanderpump. Ken is annoyed that there are two swans. Not swans, horses. Because she wants him to be immediately in love. And he's like, oh, God. He almost has a heart attack and dies. And Lisa says, we just need a couple of pairs of Mluff Huffs and we'll be good to go.

I'm like, you shady bitch. I love every moment of your presence. The part of the family. And then we get to see the horse pee. Yeah. Okay, so Yolanda and David. Finally, Yolanda's not in a bathrobe for the first time this season.

Oh, actually, second time. But just to make sure, she didn't wear makeup, okay? So no one freak out. She's still sick, okay? Don't start calling her a liar yet. So it's Yolanda in David's house. And Yolanda says something like, Oh, I love it when I'm able to be here at the house in Malibu.

It is like vacation. Oh, poor Yolanda. David's like, all right, you can come back home for the weekend. Yeah. We'll have your friends over. That's so sad. I know. And so, yeah, so they have Erica and Tom over for, like, cocktails.

A little social visit there, you know, and they're hanging out in the backyard. And David Foster just starts babbling about Andrea Bocelli. He just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Andrea Bocelli probably thinks that David is some hot chick. I mean, why the hell else would he be hanging out with him so much? Disregard his talent. This is a Real Housewives show. We are not going to discuss how talented David is right now.

Erica's hilarious to me because now she's told us she has her nighttime Erica and her daytime Erica. And this is her lawyer's wife so her hair is in some weird it's like one of those cinemax like yes i was soft core porn when they before they take off before they like have their sex scene in the office they're like i am an official you know businesswoman so therefore my hair will be in a little bun and i'm gonna wear glasses and a little blazer yes but they're never a good bun you're like oh it's why i don't host know how to do a bun like i've never seen a hoe with a proper bun never never never so she's got her like skinamax uh porn hair and david goes oh bad news and she said why did the cork fall in and And he said, how did you know? How do you think she knows?

Anyone knows about losing shit in loose, you know, bottle-like openings? Containers. That girl knows how to fish out a cork, I'm sure. She could probably do that with a tongue tunning. So they're having some weird fakey, bakey conversation. And Yolanda and David are pretending to be so in love. Well, at least Yolanda is. Pretending to be so in love well at least yolanda is pretending to be so in love and everything's so great and david says something about going to

what tuscany was it tuscany again they're going to tuscany but they're well they're gonna he's going to italy with andrea bocelli and he's and then they're gonna be there's a special guest but when he says he's gonna go to tuscany, Erica does this little glance at Yolanda. That woman like, oh, that poor thing. I hope she's okay. Because you know that that means like I'm leaving this bitch to go bang a bunch of other like cleaner non-complaining hookers the whole time. And Erica's like, oh, like she gives her this look. And Yolanda's like, no, I'm fine.

Chicken, lemon chicken. Eat, eat. So he's saying he's going to meet somebody. And Yolanda goes, oh, the Pope. He said, I didn't say that. It is the Pope. David, I am a witch. And he goes, I know.

But like, you're not supposed to tell people. And I just had to keep that forever of her saying, I'm a witch. And him saying, I know. That will be on my phone forever. And then I love that Yolanda is like like why don't you have andrea bocelli and erica jane sing for the pope and she's like i'm having such great ideas lately i'm having such great ideas is that a great idea yeah the line just cleared up line ohime. Oh, Yolanda. And she's saying, David's like, yeah, you should perform.

She's like, Erica Jade is a sex bob kitten. And she has hair that is not in a bun like this. It's flowy. And she has a triangle on her vagina. So I'm not sure if the Pope would like that. And Yolanda goes, oh, but you could tone it down. Really? Yeah. What is she going to do to tone it down?

And also, you know, Andrea Bocelli is blind, right? Like that pussy dancing she's going to do is not going to work for him. He's going to hear her off-keyness three times as loud as any normal, you know, as any seeing human. I shouldn't say normal. Seeing human being. Their hearing is like super hearing because that sense is enhanced why would you put this off-key squealy bitch in front of andrea bocelli if you claim to like him i sent some shade forget andrea bocelli the pope

i mean this pope has been pretty good for days as popes go the last thing we need is put erica jane in front of him he'll like, never mind, I take it all back, burn them on the stakes. The pope is like, we need more peace this Christmas. Also, pat the puss, pat the puss. Domineus, pat the puss. Pat the puss.

Pat the puss. Pat the puss. Pat the puss All the pervert brothers Jerking in the front row Pat the puss Oh I love eat the dick What a song

They change the rules for selecting a new pope. They're like, wait for the gray smoke, and then everyone must pat the puss, pat the puss. And whoever's puss is patted the most is the new pope. Wait for the gray smoke to come out of that squealy hose vagina, and then let's pat the puss, pat the puss. She's just lying there for the pope. They're waiting for the smoke. You know what'll come out eventually? It'll be like old Benson and Hedges exhale.

So next up is Kyle in improv class with Portia. Kyle being a total stage mom just like her mom. Well, I mean she came with her. So Portia wants to be an actress. Love Portia. My future demo. I love you, Port her. So Portia wants to be an actress. Love Portia. My future demo. I love you, Portia. So I don't care.

She can do anything, really, and I'll like her. But it is awkward because I love improv. I'm an improviser. But let me tell you, when I go to improv rehearsal and there's some new girl in, like, workout pants, like, improv is workout, I want to kill them because that's so stupid. They're like, I'm ready for my improv workout. Yeah, go fuck yourself. Like, be funnier. You won't need workout pants like improv is workout i want to kill them because that's so stupid they're like i'm ready for my improv workout yeah go fuck yourself like be funnier you won't need workout pants also she had a huge camel toe but she did talk about space work while i was noticing her camel toe um i think that's important to teach a kid space work so i was behind it for the most part but and i thought porsche did a good British accent. It was pretty good.

It was definitely good enough for Watcher Crappins. I mean, she may have been better than we are. Well, that's not – I mean, that's a pretty low bar. I mean, maybe she should watch our street videos. Do not listen to this show, darling. So Kyle's big thing in this one, she talked about acting, blah, blah, blah. So she was a child actress and Kim was a child actress. And she said, one time my mom explained it that, you know, Kim felt more pressure.

Yeah, Kyle, because Kim was a movie star. Like she was the lead of movies as a child. You were like an extra on sitcoms. Kyle, you were a supporting player on a sitcom about a ghost nanny. Yeah. So please stop pretending it's the same thing. The sitcom that I loved. She's like, I'm not addicted.

Yeah, Kyle, because they don't have good drugs on shitty 80s sitcom sets, okay? No one had good drugs then. That's why Daniel Plato was doing crack or whatever. You think she would have been doing that if she had decent booze or decent coke? No, Kyle, no. Stop pretending it's the same experience so then she said people blame kim's career on the fact that she was an actor and she says you're just born who you are troubled or not yeah i thought you know i believe that too and that's why i'll always

hug you at christmas time even though you're a cup fitness kyle i am i accept that you were born that way well i think i think that just because Portia wants to be an actress doesn't mean that she gets to be an actress. Like, you know, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a famous actor. Maybe I still do. But I wanted to be a famous actor. And I remember at my summer camp, a scout came by. They were scouting extras, I think. Or maybe they were just scouting for like the lead for

avalon that movie by uh i forgot his name but elijah wood i think was the star of it it was like from 1988 89 barry levinson and i wanted to go to the audition so bad i was like can we go i want to i want to be an actor i want to be and my parents like no no and it's not like oh my god there's such dream killers it's just like like no we don't like we don't want you to go down this path so even though i wanted it it's like parents get the last say i think and well my parents wanted it they were like bye now have fun acting they put me in children's theater as soon as they could and it was the best thing they ever did because it wasn't softball and i wasn't wanting to kill myself and everybody around me because i was forced

to play softball soccer football touch football volleyball t-ball like oh my god finally give me something where they appreciate bowls properly musical it's not like my parents didn't want me to like pursue artistic dreams or anything like that but they were like well you're not we're not gonna like sign you up to be like you know in movies like no you are gonna have a childhood you have a proper childhood if you want to be a famous actor you can take like a children's acting class or whatever but oh poor ben my parents were so opposite they're like please be an actor they would send me to things totally inappropriate they sent me to audition i had to drive to dallas well i mean i didn't drive i was driven by other stage mothers but i had to go. I had to drive to Dallas. Well, I mean, I didn't drive. I was driven by other stage mothers.

But I had to go with all these little girls to the Dallas audition for the Mickey Mouse Club. I was this fat, awkward child with thick glasses and terrified of everybody. And I had to go audition for this panel of Mickey Mouse Club people. And that's where Britney Spears comes from. Christina Aguilera. Justin Timberlake. Ryan Gosling. Yeah, he did.

Yeah. Oh, my God. I would have actually worked on a song. But I think I sang something from Chorus Line. What I did for love. What I did for love. Because that was my vibrato when I was that age. And it was humiliating.

And they looked disgusted that I was so fat and sad. And I'll never forget the trauma. So thanks. Glad we talked about this. Kyle! Fucking Kyle. Ruining my life to this day.

40 years later. So now we go back to... Yolanda. Yolanda. She's in the bathrobe again. She's back in the bathrobe with her call girl. Yolanda hanging out with another old hoe. This one's Daisy.

It's like interchangeable old hoes that Yolanda hangs out with in every single scene. So I guess the theme of this episode is that everyone's going to Canada. Because Yolanda was going to go to Canada with David. is that everyone's going to Canada because Yolanda was going to go to Canada with David. And before she went, she had to get her medicines organized by Daisy, her health advocate. Call girl, come health advocate.

And she has to take all these pills. And she's like, but Daisy, if I only take 10 pills, don't you think that's enough? And Daisy's like, well, fine. I mean, do whatever you want. And I just thought that's hilarious that you're arguing with the person you're hiring to help you. You're like negotiating the pill amount.

Everything Yolanda said. I'm just not buying any of this shit. It makes me mad. But I did like when she said, hopefully this trip to Tuscany, which is one of the only places that must let them film hopefully this Tuscany will reignite the core of our love like what dinner parties at Muhammad's house get out of here the core of your love uh so speaking of Canada then we get a scene of Lisa Rinna struggling with her iPad and her cell phone because they both are. She's trying to FaceTime with her kids and Harry Hamlin. She's like, oh, it's Harry Hamlin.

She's like, I hate technology. It's challenging. You know what I like? A big diaper. I'm just not that smart, okay? It's the truth. I'm not smart. It's not my wheelhouse.

You know what I like? I like just a rock and a hammer. That's what I call technology. And a deli, a good deli. That's all I need. I And a deli, a good deli. That's all I need. I just need some nice soft shoulder pads. Can we get that right before we move on to talking to people on video phones?

Who needs video? I used to like just a regular telephone. How about that? And then she's talking about her QVC line. Because look, Lisa Rinna's on this show for one reason. To sell shit. Okay, just like anybody else. And she knows how Lisa Rinna is on this show for one reason, to sell shit. Okay. Just like anybody else. And she knows how to do it.

She do. Very well. Yeah. And she's had actually a store on Ventura Boulevard for quite a while. What happened to it? I think it might still be there. I just, I'm saying she's,

she at least had it. I was like, Hmm, I haven't checked in in a while. So she's talking about her QVC line. And then we see her saying that she's not into Charmousse or something. And then it cuts back. That's like her moment in the factory or whatever, her moment in the –

I thought it was Chartreuse. Yeah, whatever. So they cut back to her, and she's like, this is why I do that. It's not because I'm a celeb. It's because I know what I'm talking about. I okay everything because basically what they do is they pick out other clothes and slap their brand on them. Yeah. And she seems to be okay with that.

She's like, my job is not designing clothes. It's saying okay to things. Do you know how difficult it was saying okay to that? I mean, I had to think about that for five minutes. Okay. I did it again. I trust Lisa on that front. Actually, I do think she knows what she's talking about.

I love, you know, I love, I'm like, I've become... I've been in the life of okaying things. I've become a Lisa of an apologist. Anything she does, I'm like, well, that's okay. You know, she doesn't know how to use FaceTime, but that's, you know, that's fine. Well, you're just like her. That's why, because she okays everything. So then, so now...

You're not on a boat! So now, this was funny to me. Okay, so now Yolanda and David are in British Columbia. They're on like a little yacht. And it's one of these things where there was no film crew. So they do their home video, which they shot presumably on cell phones and stuff. And normally when they show like home video, they're on an airplane or something. And there's always like cameras are sort of shaky.

And people are always pestering other people on the plane. And people throwing up a pillow to be like get out of my face it's always that you know but here it was like the camera was propped up to frame perfectly david and yolanda as like david's sipping coffee and reading a newspaper then yolanda comes and sits down next to him and kisses him it was like they staged their love like deliberately staged their love for bravo i was like get out of here you that's every scene they do don't you remember one of the first scenes they ever had where they were against the sunset backdrop of their see-through living room wall with the chicken yes i'll never forget that shit i loved it so they framed this thing and yolanda goes oh hello david my love i have made you a homemade cup of Canada coffee. And I'm like, oh, come on with your Canadian.

It's like, why is there no bitterness in this coffee? This is the most even, uneventful cup of coffee I've ever had. Thanks, Yolanda. Yes, this is what I strive for. So then they started to sow the seeds of their marriage falling apart. And she's like, you know, having the Lyme disease is so hard because David has lost his partner in crime. And he gets impatient and he's allowed to. It's hard, you know.

Your mother can't even keep up with her own bullshit. What kind of partner in crime were you? Because you just told us that the second you got married, you got Lyme disease. So what were you doing? Were you partners in crime? You can't say you had lime the whole time you were married and then say it was so much easier back when you didn't have lime at the beginning of your marriage it's the same scene woman well they were together i mean there was

there was time before they were married when they were doing things together that's okay david had to wait for the papers to go through um so she was i don't know everything she says it makes me crazy now. Like now I'm getting to the, I've never really loved Yolanda, but I'm getting to the point now where since I just don't believe her at all, now she's just pissing me off. Because now that she's left Dave or David's left her, now she's fine. She's like, oh, I feel better.

Oh, fuck off, Yolanda. All right, so we'll get to that in another day. I don't need to be ranting and raving, but I'm getting too mad. But I did love that David, she's like, there's nothing to do and no one to talk to. It is amazing. And then the first question out of David's mouth, he's like, well, you want to go for a walk or something? He's like totally

bored. And she goes, oh, David, every day you ask me to go for a walk. And every day I have to tell you the same thing. I cannot do it. And he goes, yeah, it's getting kind of hilarious. Like, uh-oh. He's like just trying to deter in the woods.

And he can't get his plan off the ground. He's like, let's go for a walk into the woods. Let's just go for a walk in the woods. No, I can't. Hey, you want to go for a walk in the woods today? You want to go? He's like, I just want to abandon her in the woods. Like, I can't. Hey, you want to go for a walk in the woods today? He's like, I just want to abandon her in the woods. Like, how hard is it to Hansel and Gretel someone?

You know she'll find the richest developer squirrel in that woods and still own half of it by the end of the series. Yeah. She's like, I left a trail of lemons to lead me back to the yacht. Damn it. Yolanda acts like an idiot. I don't believe one thing she's saying but i will give erica this she's right when she says that's one quick bitch yeah she is so back to lisa so this is the best i love i love this because when we go back to lisa you just see like the exterior

of villa rosa and then lisa goes where's the tuna tartare? So good. So she's, oh, this is also another hanky scene. You see hanky just kind of looking outside, like staring. Staring down Lisa Rinna. You were the one who brought the horses, weren't you? He seems to kind of like Lisa Rinna. I think he walks with her or something.

And that was pretty funny. But Lisa's having a party to show off her midget horses or whatever. So Rinna comes and Kyle comes. Now, Hanky's reaction to Kyle is very different. I've joked for a couple of years that those swans are always attacking Kyle because to me that's hilarious. Like Lisa's trained Hanky to attack Kyle. And Kyle comes and she's like, oh, you're outside? You're walking around? Kyle sounds kind of nervous. And then we see

Hanky following Kyle. I was like, ooh, girl. Even Hanky hates this bitch. Love it. Kyle's like, Hanky, you're an alcoholic. There. Hanky's like, you stole my pond. So the ladies relax, which I'm sure is not relaxing at all.

They're waiting for Eileen to show up, because Lisa wants to introduce them to the horses when they're all together. So they're just waiting for Eileen, so they're sitting around the living room with nothing but a cart of tuna tartare. And, of course, Vanderpump immediately he's like well what about your sister darling she trashed me on instagram last night i thought oh i thought it was entertainment tonight was it instagram oh i think it was instagram was it entertainment tonight maybe i just wrote down instagram automatically because they always say that i could have I could have just totally... I don't know. She said she tweeted back at her later.

It was Twitter. I'm sorry. She tweeted something like Lisa Vanderpump is a phony and Kyle says, I heard. And then Kyle tells us, do these ladies have to ask about Kim every time I see them? I mean, come on. They know I'm upset about it. Why do they need to talk about it

every single time I don't know Kyle why the fuck do you have you ever had a scene that's not about Kim victimizing you in some way or Mauricio's money name one can't think of one well I loved that what it all came down to

Lisa Rinna Lisa Rinna totally got a dig in she was like like, well, maybe she's embarrassed that she did Sharknado 3. And then the producers show Kim at the reunion being when Andy says, like, would you do anything for a dollar? And Kim's like, no. No, I wouldn't, because Kim had just made fun of the Depends.

Or she was basically making fun of Lisa Rinna for the Depends commercial. And Kim's like, no, I wouldn't do anything for a dollar. And then they cut to Kim in Sharknado 3 yelling in this terrible scene, and then a shark just comes out of nowhere and just eats her. It gets flung out of the tornado and just immediately eats her up. I cheered so loud. It was like I was watching football because I didn't see Sharknado 3, and I did not see that coming. And it just splats her

and I started cheering. I watched it 10 times. Of course, I made a GIF. It's on our Twitter, at what crappens. Go find it because that shit's worth it. I'll put it when I send links later,

but that shit was hilarious. I just played, whenever I get sad, I'm going to play Kim Richards getting squashed by a shark. Yeah. It was amazing.

It was absolutely amazing. The editors, bitches. Lovely bitches. So Lisa tweeted back. Lisa's so funny with her old lady digs. She's like, well, you know me, I have to say something back. So I

tweeted back, I've always been supportive, but I guess not. I was like, ooh, good one. I thought it was like, I've always been supportive but i guess not i was like oh good one good one i thought it was like i've always been supportive so if that's what being a bitch is i guess i am one or something like that oh that's a lot better you see that's what i get for taking notes instead of transcribing well i didn't even take that that's just what i remember so i could be it could be faulty memory you're making her wittier in your mind yeah or i'm dumbing her down in my mind either way none of this really happened in my mind she's totally scrooge mcducking through tuna tartar

like she has a vault with mountains of tuna tartar and she's just diving in from a from a diving board and like popping up through these mountains of tuna tartar that's what so don't trust me another clip i got obsessed with immediately was Rinna. They're still talking about Twitch. And Rinna says, why would you go after Lisa Vanderpump? And you know I turned that into a gif because I have a feeling that's going to be haunting her

later this season. And the only reason I think that is because she had mixed colored roses on her table in episode one. And I was was like oh my god she's gonna fight with lisa vanderpump well what was interesting was that last week when taylor was going off on yolanda being like like happy sad selfie sad selfie happy selfie sad selfie lisa was like i think that was a little bit she was she was overstepping she was really out of line

but sure enough this week lisa was like you know it's funny she's like i've been looking at yolanda's instagram and you know i don't understand like it's happy selfie sad selfie happy selfie sad selfie yeah she was just mad that taylor did it and she does she's not even holding a diamond yeah like if you ain't a full-time cast member leave the scene to the new big mouth all right yeah have her removed clear taylor yeah Clear Taylor! So Rinna starts the whole... She reads the description of Munchausen's which has now been changed to fractal? Is it fractal? I thought it was like fictitious or...

Fictal? I don't know. I didn't write it down right. I wrote fact one. I'm looking it up right now. I'm going to Wikipedia. I'm like Lisa Rinna right now. I'm looking it up right now. I'm going to Wikipedia. I'm like Lisa Rinna right now.

So she seems to be okay. Psychiatric factitious disorder. Psychiatric factitious disorder. Or it is a psychiatric factitious disorder. So she's reading it because she says, I mean, people are coming up to me. Social media. Or when I'm out, people come up and say, Yolanda, is she sick? And I say, I don't know. But then I talk to somebody and that involved me.

And now I have to say something. So I, you know, I looked at her Insta, you know, it's like all these things like you have to answer the people on Twitter. Have you ever tried to go to the Grove? People come up to you and they ask you things. It's crazy. It's just juggling questions. Juggle, juggle, juggle, juggle. Questions, questions everywhere. You've got to answer the questions.

And so she reads off the munchies thing and Kyle looks both like she's just had the best piece of candy in her life and also fake mortified with her cross eyes. Your cross Botox, one half eye closed more than the other eyes. Stupid Kyle.

And Kyle's pretending she has nothing to do with this. And she cannot believe that Rinna would put them all in this situation because now they're going to have to explain this later, which is absolutely true. And the only problem Kyle has is that she was actually in this scene. Because you know Kyle's driving this boat as we saw last week with Taylor. Right. So shut up, Kyle. Shut up. So she's pretending to be mortified, and Lisa is being such a bitch, and

I love every second of it, when she says Brandy, the other one, called me to see you next Tuesday. I guess they're trying to have another moment. That was one thing. And then she, in this one, she says, I just don't understand taking it to social media we'd all handle it differently wouldn't we darling like oh god i love you you're such an evil bitch

and you just make me hungry for two tuna tartar darling was was kyle question was kyle i'm trying to remember was she also one of the people that's like well why are you posting it on social media no kyle's kyle's trying to make it that she's the one who's supportive so she's saying no it's not that she doesn't have it or that she has munchausen's she really does have these symptoms but it has to do with my mom dying you know like she's bringing it all around to herself um so she's trying to make it like no she's not crazy she's just depressed so she thinks she's really sick but she's not crazy. She's just depressed. So she thinks she's really sick, but she's not. By the way, it's totally possible that it's both.

I imagine, because I have no degree in psychology, that she probably is depressed and has Munchausen as a result. Yeah, I believe both of those. Those are two things I believe. Yeah. I believe she's sick. I just don't believe... I don't know. I question

whether the source of the sickness is from a tick bite or not. Yeah. So Eileen finally arrives and they have to kind of tell her and Lisa Rinna. It's so funny because Rinna's in company that she knows thinks Yolanda is full of shit. It's Kyle and Lisa. And, you know, they've all talked about it, but Eileen doesn't because Eileen had the loss of her sister and a bunch of recent losses that is making her very sensitive to Yolanda no matter what happened. Yolanda could say she's missing a leg and still be walking, and Eileen would be like, I believe her because my sister died. You know, it's sweet.

And so Lisa knows too, so Lisa is smart, and she really respects Eileen. So she's explaining in a totally different way she's like very diplomatic in the way she's telling eileen you know yeah she's like i just i feel bad that i questioned her like i just feel i feel bad like maybe i should say something to yolanda and apologize that i questioned her lisa vanderpump's like how about some more tuna tata how about about that? That's literally what happened. It is.

She literally was like, tuna tartare, Eileen. Here's the thing. We think that Yolanda's crazy. Tuna tartare? Here, don't have a big scoop. Well, the thing is that. I don't know. I was letting you to finish the sentence.

No, that was my impersonation of Lisa Vanderpump Gagging Eileen with Tuna Tartar Before she could protest Like how could you even sit No but Lisa Vanderpump I just I feel bad I feel bad now I feel bad So Eileen doesn't really say anything

But Vanderpump is like Darling don't discuss it with her There's no upside And so Eileen doesn't really say anything, but Vanderpump is like, darling, don't discuss it with her. There's no upside to talking to Yolanda darling, or I should call your husband an old person abuser. So next week ponies. Oh no, they go meet the ponies and everything.

Swans. It's not over yet. Hanky goes the vet. Hanky bites Ken and Lisa separately. And then Lisa meets Erica and Erica hates Lisa because it's not over yet hanky goes the vet he bites ken and lisa separately and then lisa meets erica and erica hates lisa because she's friends with yowanda so she comes pre-hating vanderpump she's ready to go with lisa and lisa didn't i don't think she said anything offense i didn't take it offensive but i think her offense is so hilarious that i don't care but she's like oh hello erica um something erica says well my head's at 76 and she's like oh how is he in the sack and then erica gives her this death

stare and i'm like look she probably she's married to an old person she's probably literally asking you how is he in his sack like have you guys checked his balls for cancer? Have you checked his colon? Like, that sentence probably would go on to a whole list of medical things that they need to be checking for in that sack. So don't be so defensive, you little ho, Erica. Yeah, especially if you're dancing around in your Erica Jane outfit. Erica Jane, pat the puss, eat a dick. Every week it's going to be some new dance move from her. So far, pat the puss, eat a dick. Every week it's going to be

some new dance move from her. So far, pat the puss, eat a dick. Can't wait to see what it is next week. In the meantime, we can go across the pond to Cheshire. Cheshire. How does this opening

go of Cheshire? It's that. It's like these strings. They're like... Do we remember to thank our patron saint? Speaking of... Marvin J, darling. Marvin J, our super sponsor, sugar data.

Sugar data. Have some tuna tartare. Marvin J, would you like some tuna tartare? Have some. Pat the puss, Marvin. Pat the puss. I'm getting my notes open. And I'm enlarging them to 22 bold fonts so my old ass can read them i have a question

while you do that when when this episode began i thought they were at a different dinner from last week but were they was it just a continuation of the last dinner yeah last okay last dinner there was a long real cliffhanger it was just dawn pretending to cry because some lady said that fro that are freezing her embryos is going to turn out bad because she's never had a frozen pizza that's and so dawn's like say that i thought i thought um see last week i thought they were sitting at a long table but i guess not i think so anyway i think last week was a round table yeah it was yeah this week uh it's it opens back like it was this huge cliffhanger. And it's like,

Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun continued from last week. Yeah. And then Dawn's like, Yeah, so my feelings are hurt. And Leanne goes, Yeah, I understand. Because we're trying to have a baby like that. And Dawn's just like out of the room back at dinner.

Dawn's, yeah. Yeah, Dawn's like talking about her rest. She i can't believe she say that i can't believe like how daft they have to be how daffy how daffy does laura i'm trying to i want to have a baby so i want to have a baby i'm like oh my god do we still have to talk about this anymore and the best part is that like this was what cracked me up don Don and Leanne are talking about it. And then Don says something semi poignant. And then this, the music is like, and it fades to black. And then when it comes back again, you think it's going to be like the next morning or

later on, it comes back. They're still staying in the same place. And this is still like, like Don still there. And they're like anyway i'm like why did you fade out like why would you give us that hope that this was gonna be put to bed no we are back and we're still talking because this poor show knowing that they have nowhere to shoot is so hilarious when you watch it and i'm really glad that somebody told us that because they can't get permits to shoot anywhere where they live so that's why they're always shooting in these ghetto oh i mean this isn't a ghetto location

you know it's an empty hotel that they're like all right now shooting the whole way of the case all right now shoot another day in the castle what can we do with the castle can't use the pool all right we'll herd some ducks then you know they can't do shit they're like go out on the lawn you know what it was i think when that when the scene faded out it wasn't that the scene faded out it's that the camera actually fell asleep for a moment the camera's like oh sorry scene's still going so leanne because leanne is a terrible fighter whoa whoa leanne whoa so leanne is mad at lauren now for don because don just six leanne you know what i say to all these women who use each other as weapons stop using terrible weapons

and it's only leon by the way leon just keeps on taking up causes and she's all the stupider for doing that yeah she never understands that she doesn't even understand the fight. She's like, I'll say something to her. Because Dawn, when she went upstairs and she was in front of the Macron, I was there with her. It's like, okay, good reason, weirdo. So she's going to take on this whole fight for her. So she goes back. These poor ladies who are having to film this show are just stuck there for hours and hours at a time. And it is so evident on this show are just stuck there for hours and hours at a time and it is so

evident on this show they're totally bored with their it's ampika and magali sitting alone at the table at this point and pika's like sweating you know because she's been in the light for like four hours now and she's had enough booze her hair is flat and it's like flat and frizzy all at the same time she's got a sheen on her face she really does have a sheen like she got some new ziploc melded to that face for this scene she's sheens i mean that poor girl like she needs some powder geez so you can't get a rubber face and then be shocked that it shines when it gets wet you know so what rubber does she needs to get that matted rubber next time yes darling fix your rubber Matt your rubber darling

Just get a very light sandpaper And go over it You know what she needs She needs a bottle of clover I might be a bottle of clover But you know what though it's still a bottle of clover It's still a penis a bottle of clover A bottle of clover on my face

It's still a boss With a bottle of clover It's a bottle of clover You can with a ball of clover on it. It's a ball of clover. You can put a ball of clover on, but he's still got a penis. You've not put a ball of clover on that. And if he's going to use it,

he's going to use it. And Pekora's big thing is, I've got an opinion. If I've got an opinion, then I'll grab an opinion. There's no reason I can't have an opinion. I've got an opinion. I've got a voice to say.

And Magali's like trying to listen to her and not binge. Because, you know, Magali would eat that whole table. She's so bored. And she goes, oh, this Leanne, you know. She's like squeaker, you know, make squeak noise. She's going a squeaker noise. That's what she says. She's going a squeaker noise.

Oh, whoa, Leanne. She's like, beep, beep, beep. And I'm like, squeak, squeak, squeak. Squeaker noise oh whoa leanne she's like and i'm like squeeze squeeze squeeze squeaker noise whoa i was in battle one time this duck squeeze at me make squeaker noise i ripped that kid off by the way i'm about to see someone and then everybody go funeral funeral funeral I go, weep, weep, weep. They go, ah, ah, ah.

And then everybody go, funeral, funeral, funeral. By the way, someone's about to die outside my window. On the rooftop across the way, they're doing a little photo shoot. And this woman is standing right on the edge. And I swear to God, she is going to fall off. I know it sounds funny, but I'm actually very scared for her. I'm not. Fucking stupid people deserve it. You taking a fucking picture on the edge of a roof.

Fall thin out the hood, darling. Pusha. I'm creatively visualizing this bitch falling off a balcony right now, and I'll feel fun about it. So anyway, so now Leanne, so now Lauren and Tanya,

they're in the toilet. They're fixing the makeup, which is what Ampika should be doing too. So Leanne's like, I have to say something. You know, they can't just come out the door like that. I have to say something for her, you know, because I'm out of a baller. I live in a pretty big house. So she's

like, I think it worked out pretty well. Except he cheats on me every Thursday. And Lauren comes in partying. She's like, That's right, girls. Y'all girls. And Leanne's like,

I don't like the way you come off the door about the barber. And Lauren's like, Oh, if it's this sensitive, why are you standing here dribbling to me? Well, what I loved is that, like, Leanne's like, it's just that, you know, it's hard. You know, I once had a miscarriage, and, you know, we thought for a moment

that we couldn't have another child, and it was hard, and we had a very hard time. And Lauren's like, that's great, but I want to talk about Tanya's face. She's like, excuse me, Leanne. Tanya, what do you put on your face it looks wonderful i want to have your face looks wild brah leanne's getting so pissed off she's like she's like a brick wall and then lauren she keeps trying to yeah don't feelings well i didn't have another baby we were trying for years and lauren goes

everyone wants to have another baby i swear it's like i'm not gonna feel sorry if you everyone wants a baby shut up yeah exactly especially if you already have you know and she's lauren is 100 right sure you want another baby but like if you already have like three and there are people who can't even have one and they want one like I'm not going to feel so bad for you. I'll be empathetic. Sure, you want another one. You couldn't have one. That's a bummer. I want a bigger penis. Do you want me crying about it for 20 hours at every dinner party we ever go to? No, it doesn't matter what I want, okay? Stop crying about it. Shut up, lady. So then Don and Le don and leanne go it's a dangerous i won't get away from this toilet it's always a dangerous which is so true because it's the

only place they can shoot so they're like all right go fight in the bathroom so and it was like this cavernous bathroom like one light bulb so uh so then don you've dropped a baby in a toilet at prom i don't want to hear about this in the toilets i don't like talking about the babies in the toilet toilets are only for peeing and looking at other girls faces back in the dining room which you've been trying to segue to and i'm fucking with you by not letting you i don't know that's all right i really don't like how you want let me go back to the dining room all right all right wanted this last time i'm gonna say it all right this is the last time i'm gonna talk about my dining room all right

anyway let's talk about my dining room again that's pretty much it that's what don is but although you're sick of hearing about my hysterectomy. So let me just do another monologue about my hysterectomy. Well, I love that Leanne comes in and she's like, I just got ignored at the toilet. I'm like, yeah, you also probably got ignored at the kitchen and the dining room at home and with the husband too. Unfortunately, we can't shoot any of those places. That's also, by the way, the name of Leanne's biography is

I Just Got Ignored at the Toilet. uh leanne's biography is i just got ignored at the toilet even the toilet's like leanne goes she takes it she pulls down her pants the toilet just closes its lid like no sorry closed don't ignore my pig good with a clearance rack sticker on it like that barnes and noble clearance sticker i just got left i've just got left it at all so then don makes an announcement she goes all right i've had the very last conversation about the hysterectomy that's it no more conversation about the hysterectomy yeah good luck with that you've been talking about it to like everyone at mcdonald's would you like to supersize that i don't know it depends if i have me hysterectomy nicola do we have the hysterectomy on the books oh yes mom we we have my hysterectomy. Nicola, do we have the hysterectomy on the books? Yes, ma'am.

We put the hysterectomy on the books, ma'am. Oh, geez. Don't talk about me about the hysterectomy. I don't want sadness on today. I'm having just me McDonald's. I have to think about it. You don't think about a hysterectomy. Go get that shit done.

Would you like pink on your walls or cream? I don't know how this would fit my hysterectomy. Oh, geez. on your walls of cream i don't know how this affect my hysterectomy oh geez but that's the last conversation i want to have about hysterectomy on your walls all right this show is total crappin's karma you know that right because we bloviate for so long about nothing and then that's this whole show just talking and talking and they come to the dining room nothing's happening and they go leon what's happened and she's, when she said I got ignored at the toilet, her biography. She just continues for five minutes going.

And then we were in the toilet. And then someone turned on the water. And I said, I don't like that. And it was in the toilet where I was getting ignored. Oh, my God. I mean, I only am seeing that now because I scrolled down literally two scrolls and she's still talking about the toilet.

I just had to mention that. Yeah, editing is not the strong point on this show. But the best part is that Lauren comes out and then she realizes that she sort of has to apologize. So her big apology is, if you're not like me, I don't understand you. And she's like... That was the best apology ever.'s like it's not i'm

she's just she doesn't even say i'm sorry she's like you know if i offended you it's just that i don't understand you so like for me i don't want to have another child so i don't get it why you would want another child like you want to go to arizona and don't get it. I already have a sewing kit. Why would I want to go to Arizona? I insulted you, John, and I take it back. Just because you want a frozen pizza, baby, doesn't mean I have to. I'm not a tombstone kind of a girl, but you can be. I never want to insult you or offend. I didn't mean a miscarriage of justice.

They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Back down from the rhetoric there. I'm really gonna say. And then Magali goes, look, all you have to say is sorry. This is it. In Shisha, hardest word to say, sorry. Shisha, hardest word. I'm like, bitch, you were just in an

argument for four episodes for nothing. So you should be quiet too. And I love how in the middle of like... Also in Elton John's house. Like, isn't that an Elton John song?

Yeah. Sorry seems to be the hottest word in Cheshire. We all have radios, my golly. That was the first draft in Cheshire.

He goes, sorry, sorry, sorry. I go, boom, boom, boom.

He said, don't let them go down on me I say I don't control the sun I don't care Sun like And then bees You know I can't control

Okay you know what I say I say sun Whoa whoa sun Whoa Sun I say a squeak So then I love how in the middle of Lauren's faux apology

The tiny is like You're as daft as a bush Wait say like, You're as daft as a bush. Wait, say it again. You're as daft as a bush. Tanya, out of nowhere. It's the first American joke they've made that makes sense. Yeah. And then Lauren just starts again.

She still apologizes. She's like, I've had my fascia. My fascia have problems. I'm like, your what? Your fascia? Your fascia? I've had my fascia. I've had my fascia problems. my facha have problems like you're what your facha your facha your facha i had a miscarriage it was awful but you know you wake up and you go get some more scrim and it's

over isn't it so then leanne's like it was upsetting that you did that to me cause I went to the toilet and they're like oh shut up Leanne and Lauren goes well I have to say people go to the toilet to make poopies and do lines of coke don't follow me to the toilet to fight about a tombstone

literally a tombstone pizza don't talk about tombstone pizzas they never come out right in the toilet especially and then leanne goes uh that wasn't an apology but i'll accept it but it's not an apology in my book i was like i doubt that you even have a book anywhere in the house please stop referencing books yeah please stop demanding apologies from everyone not your fight bitch you start a fight that's the you have nothing to do with and then you expect an apology when people get annoyed at you stop it leanne

whoa whoa leanne how come you didn't tell people that i was a table dancer oh geez here we go yeah lauren and i'm pika paul's dragging me to arizona okay so this is the vulture what the hell Oh, geez. Here we go. Lauren and Ampika. Paul's dragging me to Arizona. Arizona. Okay, so this is the vulture. What the hell? Well, it starts off with a falcon, and Lauren hates falcons. She's like, birds. I hate birds.

And then she's like, who calls a bird Carl? Which is funny, because I also would never name a bird Carl. But I hate, I like things that are wild bred, but I hate birds. Birds. I hope they have no birds in Carl's. I hate birds. I hope there are no birds in Arizona. And stupid

Aunt Peker. Aunt Peker's like, since I'm like a snake, I love animals. I love animals. Because a snake's an animal. One with scales. And if you mess with a snake, it'll eat you. She says, I dream of a farm.

I dream of living on a farm. Surrounded by a menagerie. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And then so then Lauren has to hold out like a little piece of chicken for Carl. Actually, his name is Carlos, but they called him Carl at first. So Carlos, the falcon came and like ate the chicken and flew off. And Lauren goes, and I wrote this.

This is what I've just transliterated it. She's like, that's the last time I'm going to have anything named Carlos come wash on my hand. I was like, what? That's the last time I'm going to have anything named Carlos come on my hand. It was like she said every ah word known to man in one sentence. So funny. And then Pika's like, Carlos, that wasn't unfair, was it? You came on her

hand. Come on my hand. Come on my hand. This isn't fair, Carlos. She's already got five fingers covered in Carlos' comb. Oh, jeez. And Pika's like unfair shaming everybody who comes in. I know.

She's like, I have to admit something. I'm actually Carlos's mistress. Mistress? Does that mean he's got a wife? What? He's got a wife. He might be mad, but every man needs to margaret once in a while. I'm never going to have a white wedding with Carlos because he's a bad.

And he already has a wife Carlos we can do it in the dining room At this wonderful castle Where everything else takes place in town I just want a mirror Carlos So I can have a better bedroom And because the hotel Will not let them back in until after five We have another animal scene

Outdoors on a lawn somewhere. Yeah, the other girls are duck herding. And I love when the girls walk out there, they go, Dukes! Look at the Dukes! Look at the Dukes! One of them says Dokes. I wrote down Dukes and Dokes. Dukes and Dokes and Dukes and Dokes.

It was actually hilarious. I loved how they went duck herding, and it was like four of the funniest ducks in the world were like scampering around the lawn, and they had to herd them with these canes. And I loved Dawn's way of herding them. Dawn, of course, is a great duck herder because she basically applies the same techniques to Dobby

for all her life. She's like, Dobby, get over here. Dobby. Dobby. I'm taking out the cane, Dobby. Get in the kitchen, Dobby. It was essentially Dobby's girl group. I mean, watching those ducks.

Listen up here, ducks. Your bass is too low, ducks. I'm gonna say it, cause I care about ya, cause I'm your manager. Alright, ducks, I'm leaving you now. Trust that you'll get in the bin. You have to do more than that. You have to do more than yell at the ducks. She's like, I know that people love duck fat,

but they don't love fat ducks, so go on, run around and lose some right now. I love that Dawn's way of hurting the ducks. She literally goes, relax, relax, excuse me, relax, relax, ducks, relax. Ducks, if you get in that bin, there'll be 25 large catches

fit awkwardly into the bin and then the golly so dumb too because she forgets she for you know they've only shot this for like a week or something you know their budget was like we're gonna do all the fights in one week but um don goes the one thing i don't do is that door activity like uh last we saw you, you were at a horse. Yeah. Visiting your horse outside at the stable, which is also outside. Even your creme de la creme ball was outside, darling. But I love that when it came time for Magali to herd the ducks, she goes, ducks, they okay.

Finally, someone Magali can get along with, ducks. She's like, I like them crispy, they okay finally someone mcgully can get along with ducks i like them crispy they okay and then she made it then she made a duck sound she's like they go duck they go that's not what ducks sound like at all ducks be like and i'm like and i'm like whoa duck so i'm like you know-hur-hur-hur-hur, hur-hur-hur-hur. And I'm like, whoa, duck. So I'm like, you know what I do? I walk right up to that duck and I say, duck, I'm just going to be quiet.

You just go where you want to go. I sit down. Duck. I love Magali. I wish Magali could just be on this show and recap every little thing and then we could comment. She could be like, then they went to look at duck. And duck go quackack quack and they say no no no and he say oh what's he what's he what's he and they say and they say quack quack and i say tomato and you say tomato why can't we both say tomato in cheshire duck go wow wow wow wow wow but in holland duck go quack quack quack

whoa leon whoa leon this is not your dog to quack. Whoa, Leanne. Hey, duck, you don't want me to say into your face your reputation, okay, duck? I tried to reason with you. I will not do this, duck. It will hurt people. I do not hurt people. No, I will not say it.

Okay, fine, you say you're a stripper. I don't say no. Why you No, I will not say it. Okay, fine. You say you're a stripper. I don't say no. Why you say? I don't say. I tried to hurt Duck, and Duck be like, and I say, and he's like, whoa, whoa, Duck. Whoa, Duck, just get in your pen. Just get in your pen.

So since nothing's happened and they still can't get back in the hotel, they're like, let's do more scenes on the lawn. But let's do it in this corner now. So Leanne and Don have a big scene. We've already seen Leanne and Don talk about this for an hour and nothing happened. Now they're talking about nothing. Now they're talking about Lauren. Again. And Don's like, you know, I used to always think she was dippy.

But now I don't think she's dippy. I think she's dippy out of convenience. Pressing questions coming from the heart of Cheshire. Is she dippy out of convenience? On tonight at news. Tonight at sex at the news. And then Leanne. Well, you know what happened?

I went to the toilet and I said something to her. Oh, my God. Are they really doing this? And they really were doing it. So I was like, no. So the next one is Ampika. No, no, no, no. Before you do that, I just have one comment to make about that.

Oh, do it. As they're talking, then Dawn goes, she's this far from making me snap. She's this far. I'm like, everyone's always this far. You're never going to snap. This is just what you say to make yourself sound like you're going to snap. But everything, she's always like, oh, when Magali came to the Crumb to the Crumb Ball, I was this far from kicking her out.

But I thought no I won't do it and then she does she says it for every single thing she's like when she said that thing when she when Ampika started up with me

I was this far from saying Ampika you be quiet but I didn't I didn't I'm like well congratulations for being this far and not doing it

because you're always this far and you never do it okay but that's always the show that's Magali too I'm going to do this you mess with me you don't mess with Magali I'm going to do this. You mess with me. You don't mess with Magali.

I'm going to tell her. No. I just said no. Yeah. They're still thoroughly British at the end of the day. So they're always like, Oh, I was going to say something. I was this close. But I didn't. Come to America. Then you'll say it. So Ampika and Lauren are talking about friendship.

They're talking about well now comes the thing they've got a vulture now yeah a vulture a vulture and uh lauren's like what i do that i'm already mad i don't have to put up with this one shit do do i and then peaker's like i love a vulture i'm like a vulture i'll find find a man. I'll kill him. Then I'll eat him. Then I'll poop him out. Then I'll reshape him as another man that occasionally has brunch with me on Sundays because I'm lonely. And I love that.

So first of all, the vulture starts pecking at Ampika's boots. And Lauren's like, vultures like dead things. And now it keeps on pecking at Ampika's boots And now it keeps on picking at Ampika's boots. I guess that says something about Ampika's boots. Well, yeah, she can't wear boots that are alive, you dumb fuck. Yeah. Well, then the guy says that if a vulture gets cornered or angry, its defense mechanism is projectile vomiting.

So Ampika's like, there's no way that spud would want to projectile vomit on me. Which is really..., yes he would. If anybody looks like it needs a good acid bath on their face, it's you. Yeah, exactly. He's like, you're shiny, lady. That vulture showed me love, man. But projectile vomit in the sun right off my face. But I'd divorce him anyway.

And now I'm sleeping with a married vulture. I'll never get a white wedding with the vulture, but what I do get is some protective vomiting. I'm a beaker. Tooth. Tooth. So, it's night time. They should be allowed in the

castle, but the castle's like, no, please no. Wait, there you missed... I'm not going into depth in the scene but then they go and they take walks and they bond and like mcgawley and don like have small talk about what about daughters and they're like and don's like who'd have thought me and mcgawley were getting along and i was this close to saying no to walking with her they were basically like walking along in a circle it reminded me of when I was a kid and I used to make home movies with my friends. We pretend we're on an adventure

and you basically shoot a different angle of the living room to make it seem like you're in a different location. That's what they were doing. Oh, we forgot also that Lauren was talking about Carlos or something. She's like, Who rises, votes us? We're a four-year-old man.

Your dream's to rise a vulture. Normal. It starts laughing. Says the woman who married a guy who wants to move to Arizona. Okay. I think the vulture guy has a better head on his shoulders than that. At least he wears gloves when he's getting shit all over. So anyway, so now the dinner time that you were talking about, it's nighttime.

They gather into a giant empty room. And they all gather for dinner. And M. Peeker's like, can we just pay homage to someone who should be eaten? And they point to an empty chair where Lauren is as if she had just died. Like the vulture had gone off and killed her. She went to Arizona, so it's almost the same thing. Oh, Lauren is so funny.

And when she leaves, she goes, I know that I'm leaving and that means everyone's gonna talk about me because that's what we do. They're gonna be saying Lauren was mean to them. Lauren doesn't like frozen pizza. And I said, bring it on. If you can't take me, grow some shoulders or some balls or both.

Grow some balls on your shoulders. That's what I said. I love Lauren. Love her. Yeah. And then we got back to this new dinner. And everybody's walking in like, oh, look, Darnia, this is where you got married. Or it is also where the high school graduation was.

Or, yes, remember the Christmas festival here. Or remember the town fair. Remember the trial for the serial killer that we had in this hall. It's like everything in that town happens in this Marriott lobby or whatever. It's literally Courtyard by Marriott. whatever. Marriott. Literally Courtyard by Marriott. Castle by Marriott. This is where I first decided I wanted to have another baby. But it never came.

It never came. And I was in the toilets. And I said, baby. And it wouldn't come. All those toilets. Shut up, Leanne. She literally started talking about the toilets again I know

so then they're just sitting there talking all they're doing is just talking and then Ampika's like Dawn I really like what you like now cause your guard is down and you're not talking over anyone and you're being friendly and listening to people now and Dawn's like that's how I always am

that's how I always am like remember the time when I talked about my hysterectomy well this is the last time I'm going to talk about it so listen up alright so Don's getting

super defensive and Ampika's like no I'm just saying this is nice I like seeing this side of you and Don's like I always show the side Ampika

I don't know why I was this close to telling Ampika to get the fuck out but I didn't well it's just that usually you know you're so depressed and everything now look at you I don't know why I was this close to telling Aunt Bea to get the fuck out, but I didn't. Well, it's just that usually, you know, you're so depressed and everything. Now look at you, you're talking to your phone.

I like this, don't. I'm the same dog I've always been. Yeah, except this one's not horrible, you know. This one's nice, I suppose. So nice because you're so cool. I'm always cool. Oh, yeah, but you're like calling me like, now you're nice. I'm always nice. But now you're pretty. I'm always pretty. It's like, but you look cool. I mean, like, now you're nice. I'm always nice.

But now you're pretty. I'm always pretty. It's like, oh, Jesus. I know. She's like, I'm Peeker. Name one time I've spoken over anyone. And Peeker's like, well, there was a time. I'm Peeker.

One time. You be I'm Peeker. I'm Peeker. You be I'm Peeker. Your face is low, I'm Peeker. You be I'm Peeker. I'm Peeker. Give me one time when I've spoken over anyone. What do you mean?

I mean, you should be. But I never speak over anyone, Ampeaker. Give me an example. These people are so stupid and amazing. I can't believe we're talking so long about this show. Literally, they went to the bathroom and then they had dinner. They walked around and played with ducks. Magali had it right.

Magali had it right when she's like, I'm on playground again. I'm on playground. Playground. I'm on playground again. Kid, I hear children like wee. And somebody's like whoosh. And children are like wee. And somebody's like whoosh.

And ball goes bang. I'm like playground. Whoa. Playground. Oh, this was a very hypocritical thing at the end. I mean, something like actually real that happened. When Dawn was saying, well, I don't like, she says something about Ampika. And then they're talking about Lauren.

And Ampika's like, Lauren told me things in confidence. But snakes don't get things in confidence. We swallow them whole and poop them out and raid them again. And I'm going to tell everybody at this table everything Lauren told me because she needs me to tell them. I'm like, what? How in the world are you being a good friend

by releasing all your other friends' information to people that hate her? Not a good move, dum-dum. But she tells them all, look, Lauren is having problems because she's got that guy paul and he wants to go to arizona and she doesn't want to go to arizona and that so it turns into this whole arizona discussion but then don says well everybody has things going on the private

laughs you it's no excuse to to bring them up all the time at the dinner table or something like it gives you no excuse to be a jerk. And I'm like, bitch, you have used this hysterectomy now for six episodes. Please stop. With your lecture. Exactly. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Next week, the gays come. The old gays we love. The old twin but married gays come. And Peeker's like, I've got an opinion. Dawn doesn't understand. She's not the only one with the token stick.

I've got the token stick, too. And then they're like, darling, here's a word now. Please, just put it on your face. Please send your face down, darling. And then one of the gays goes, you sound it on your face. Please send your face down, darling. And then one of the gay goes, You sound very bitter and sad. His voice was so funny. And I was like, please let this be the Andy Cohen of Shasha.

And let him moderate. How did you find the loo? Did you feel uncomfortable in the toilet? And how long have you had your breast, dear? Leon's like, what's the loo? Don't you talk about the toilet. Talk about the toilet again. My God, don't put your finger on me.

Stop pointing your finger at the toilet. And as I'm at the play TV show on the telly, called I Love Lucy. And Paul turned it on and I said, I'm not moving to a country that celebrates the loose. I hate the loose. Get me out of there. Stupid.

I know. What a way to end a nice faulty joke at the end of 2015. But that's not the last show we have in 2015. Because Tuesday we'll be back. Like the Terminator itself. So Tuesday we'll be back. I don't know what's going to be. Well, I think that Vanderpump Rules is new because that's on Sunday.

And I'm assuming Atlanta's new. But next week I think we're going to be doing. Are we going to do the crappies next Thursday for New Year's Eve? Yes. We have one more regular show, one more recap show, and then New Year's Eve will be the crappies. Yay. So we may not – depending on when – if there's a new Beverly Hills episode next Tuesday, I don't know what we do. I think maybe it's just –

We'll worry about it later. We'll worry about it. Right now, it's our Friday. We get to go get fucked up for the rest of the weekend. Who's gonna get fucked up? Who's gonna get fucked up? You are. Alright, everyone. Well, thanks, everyone, for listening. Merry Christmas to all the

Christians out there. And have fun with your families and opening up presents and gifts. I will just be sitting here tapping my fingers on the table. No bin. No, I'll be celebrating Christmas with my boyfriend.

He's Christian. But we really won't be celebrating Christmas. It's such a secular thing now, isn't it? It's Santa Claus. I get that it's a Christian thing. I'm not saying it's meaningless to Christians now, but i just feel like it's american like you buy a lot of it you don't need you get fat and you play games and get drool right well i mean what i what i would normally do is on christmas i probably watch like watch some movies like at home i won't go to the christ i won't go to movie theater on christmas and then i'd probably get like chinese food or

korean food or something like that but in this case my boyfriend's family is coming into town so I think we're going Is it your first time? I met his mom very briefly and his sister very briefly so we're just gonna hang out and we'll see where the day goes That's so cute, that's huge news

you're gonna meet the parents, oh my god you guys are so serious, I'll send a you all, I think the lesbian couple I, my God. You guys are so serious. I'll send a U-Haul. I think the lesbian couple I know still has one from their wedding left over. I'll send it over. So I'm excited. But I'm just saying in terms of like what Jews do on Christmas, you know, it's still – even though Christmas is not our holiday, we still find ways to have fun. Well, the Chinese food industry needs support too.

So God bless you, Jews. And you know what? You've made candles that last eight days for those of us too lazy on Christmas to change out the lot. So thank you for that, Seanukas. Ronnie, didn't we go get – remember the time we got Chinese food out in San Gabriel Valley? Was that for Thanksgiving? That was for Thanksgiving. Yeah, I think we had a Thanksgiving out there. We had so much fun with Jenny Pham. Our recurring theme of the day.

Pham, Pham, little Pham, Pham. Pham-tastic. I would like to say, Ben, you're going to meet his parents. You are the longest relationship I've ever had. You met my parents. They are in love with you. Seriously, they still say, how's Ben? What's he doing?

You guys are so perfect for each other. We're so glad you met a man who can take your mouth and tell you when you're wrong and you never fight i'm like he's an amazing man they're like please don't have sex with them you'll ruin everything and i'm like oh yeah we know we don't care we're not into that you're like well i'm worried about wedding i'm worried because i feel like i do well with parents and so i don't want to be cocky and be like well i always do all the parents and then just totally bomb with his parents but i think it'll be fine no i've never seen you bomb with anybody really i only have one friend you've ever bombed with and it wasn't your personality

it's just that every time you meet him you never know his name and you've met 20 times but he's like he doesn't talk and he's like really um moody he's like my little rain cloud friend we just hung out with him. Uh-huh. Yeah. I remember exactly who he was. I was like, oh, hey, what's going on? But I just never remember his name because I see him once every 18 months.

I know. He's one of those who remembers it. What I'm saying is the only person I've ever seen that happen with you is when it's totally irrational. It has nothing even to do with you. I've never seen anybody have a problem with you, really. In fact, I would love to see it happen. In fact, I'm going to find a way to manipulate

this whole thing and get those parents to yell at you. People have problems with me. People have problems. I don't know. Matt Whitfield once got mad at me right here on the podcast. That's not real things. Matt and I like each other. It was a one and done, darling.

I know. I'm just joking. No, I've had some... Call that guy. We haven't talked to him in a year, right? Well, I just ran into him on the street like a month ago.

We need to call little Fatty Matty Whitfield. Don't. He's not fatty. I know, but now I can finally call him Fatty Matty because he's a stick figure. We've been genuine enough

for each other. All right. We've been genuine enough for each other. All right. We've been genuine enough with each other for one day. I'm going to go back to hating the world. Okay. Well, everyone, really, have a lovely holiday. You guys, merry eggs. Happy eggs.

You too, Ronis. See you soon. Bye, everyone. Bye. Bye. hey prime members you can listen to watch what happens ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad free with wondery plus in apple podcast before you go tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com survey