Watch What Crappens - #253: DonJuan's Pink Panties and Ariana's Journal

Episode Date: December 29, 2015

It's a very special episode of "Watch What Crappens." Ronnie's drunk, Ben's caffeinated, and it's very late at night. No wonder there are tangents about "White Christmas," F. Scott Fitzgerald, and who knows what else. Definitely give this one a listen. Here's the breakdown: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:15:28 - Crappens Mailbag! 00:30:57 - Real Housewives of Atlanta 01:25:06 - Vanderpump Rules Thanks for listening! Tell all your friends! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Today's episode is brought to you by our super sexy, super wonderful, super premium sponsor, Marvin Jay, as well as our equally wonderful, equally sexy premium sponsor, Christy Dougherty. Watch What Crappens. Crappens. Crappens.

Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Crappens. Watch What Crappens. Watch What Crappens. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Watch What Crappens. Watch What Crappens.

Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens Happy, the hilarious, the possibly drunk, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. What's up, Ronnie? Hello, Ben. Hello, everybody. It's almost 2016. Yes, the new year is upon us shortly. Ronnie is still in Texas. He's in Austin.

I'm in LA. It's 11 p.m., so it's a late night podcast. It's one here. Oh, my God. I spent all night with my family drinking and laughing and then they were like how are you leaving it's family and i said you know what i'm going to spend time with family right now too you guys okay you guys got married and i got banned i got crappened okay bitches and this is just as fucking amazing and fun to me right now at christmas time yay uh we have we have a nice much talk about first of all

on thursday thursday's episode new year's eve we have the crappies, our annual award show, which is one of the most popular award shows during award season, if I may say so myself. Huge. Bigger than the CMAs, bitches. So I'm really excited. I'm excited to see who the nominees are and who wins because it all gets revealed all at once. We're going to have Carrie Underwood here. Adele. Yeah.

Evanderpump. Reza Farahan. Chef Penny, Kristen, What's Her Face, who else? I hear Lizer is going to be doing a stand-up routine in the middle. Oh, my God. Yeah. Shannon Bedora is going to be presenting Stassi. I mean, it's going to be really... David Bedora is going to be coming up and down very slowly on the Bluetooth chandelier. Yeah.

It's going to be an epic award show. So everyone, be sure to tune in later this week for the Golden Crappies because it is unlike anything else. So I'm really excited about that. Also, everyone, you can follow us on social media by going to watch for crappins.com and you can uh there that has like all our twitter and and instagram and vine all that stuff all the links are there and you should follow us because it's fun right and then i'm on that shit when we're drinking or smoking or just feel like effing around with you guys. I just posted a very narcissistic selfie on Instagram because I got my haircut today and I really like my haircut and I decided to post it on Instagram.

It's so narcissistic. But hey, sometimes you got to sometimes you got to do it. What's Instagram for? Like giving to others? Fuck that. It's all about me, darling. I'm like, I wanted to get some likes. What's Instagram for? Like, giving to others? Fuck that. It's all about me, darling. I'm like, I wanted to get some likes. That's all.

I wanted to get some likes. It's for me, Graham, darling. But actually, what you really should be following is facebook.com forward slash watch what crappens because all sorts of good stuff is on there. And in fact, we just mined a lot of stuff from our Facebook page for a bonus episode. Our bonus episode is accessible via Patreon.com.

Patreon.com forward slash Watch What Crappens is where you can support this very podcast. It really helps us. The money goes to helping us grow the podcast and be able to record it and put lots of attention towards it. And what you get in return is there are things like monthly hangouts and ringtones. You can submit to the Krappen's mailbag, which we'll get to shortly. And we have these bonus episodes. And we, first of all, we had about like, I think it was about like 40 minutes of us ranting. That was a full hour.

It was a full hour. The first 40 minutes was us ranting about bad parents and things in traffic. I mean, come on. It will get your blood boiling. And then we went through a whole bunch of Bravo gossip. So we talked about Rick Hilton. We talked about this Kyle Richards and Kathy Hilton photo from Christmas. We talked about Chateau Charest.

We talked about Luann gossip. We talked about Chateau Charest. We talked about Luann Gossip. We talked about Randy's text to Lisa Vanderpump. We talked about Vicky, what Vicky sent to her castmates. We talked about Yolanda. We just got into it. We have to thank Joel Ranieri and Michael Cook and Sydney Charlotte and Alyssa Vosginian

and Chris Schultz, because you guys all... Sounds like a Star Wars character. I'm giving... Listen, I'm giving... Every week, this is what we said on the bonus. We always... We never credit anyone. And so, since we actually took the time to figure out who wrote...

Who submitted what, I'm going to give some credit. Ben, you're the best. what i'm gonna give some credit then you're the best i also want to say on facebook um julia bailey she posted this amazing christmas uh gift that she got well these stocking stuffers she posted the photo and they're like they're bravo slash crappins themed and so she got like sheena eyebrows she got like pictures of shannon the sombrero and a stocking that says hashtag justice. It is amazing. It is amazing.

Julia, we love your Christmas stockings. I think that's it for the plugging. Is there anything else? I think we got everything, right? No, it's such a good time of year because everything's so chill it's just like i'm partying at home and i'm talking to my baby we're gonna talk some shit i just got to yell and scream my family's like why are you so happy

are you medicated and i'm like yeah and also i've just learned to uh enjoy my rage and say what I say and I feel so much better. Thank you, Ben. Thank you, Watch What Crappens. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. I would like to say also that even though it's 11 p.m.,

I am slurping down a venti iced coffee. So it's extra loopy and I'm not going to sleep tonight. Hell yeah. We could be doing this in a bar or doing it with you guys. Like, fuck it. This is better. Yeah. Seems fun. So it's going to sleep tonight. Hell yeah. We could be doing this in a bar or doing it with you guys. Like, fuck it. This is better.

Yeah. Seems fun. So it's going to be loopy. Because the bonus episode was already pretty loopy. I thought it was. We were actually like really. We were going in on people on the bonus episode this week. So good.

Get your rage up. When do you hate people more than Christmas, you guys? I am so hateful right now, and it's just filling me with joy and jingles. I've never been happier. Yay, Christmas. Yay, Christmas. You know, I watched White Christmas for the very first time on Christmas Eve. So good, right?

Is it? It is, man. You know what? It's very charming. It's very sweet. And there were actually's very charming it's like very sweet and there were actually some lines in there that made me laugh but like that story is that story is whack yo sorry most of them are yeah i know this but no it's a wonderful life though is a good story that holds up fuck that that fucking pussy just kill yourself you fucking wood i am in i am in

team wonderful life if i was that angel i would have pushed his ass off that bridge. Shut up, George Bailey, you fucking pussy. You've got everything in line. You've got a perfect family. Everything's great. Oh, Wells Fargo charged you $30 because you overdrew your account. I would have stopped your fucking crying. Pay it.

It was like the 1942 version of This is 40. It was like people with an amazing life being like oh but you know what though it works it worked for me worked for me more than white christmas white christmas was like hey let's go up to vermont which i appreciated that part but it's like oh the inn is about uh the inn is going under and the general he can't be emasculated don't embarrass the general well yes it's all about manhood in a fucking musical and then all the men start tap dancing get out of here i like the dancing the dancing was my favorite part i mean i like it was cute you know let's save everything with a fucking show which i mean is how it should happen i also have to say i i did

not actually feel like it was super Christmasy I know that it obviously took place But Christmas and it snows at the end But oddly enough I felt like most of that movie Was about like Took place in an inn I don't know it didn't feel super Christmasy to me

I know that's weird It was an actual Christmas story It was some pregnant bitch being led through a desert By her fucking loser boyfriend who wouldn't marry her because they didn't know who the hell knocked her up. Yeah. I mean, it's not a pleasant story, really. I mean, the baby is born and, like, hey, surrounded by a bunch of fucking low-level workers, you know? Yeah.

I don't know. I mean, it was Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I just thought it was gonna be i thought i thought it'd be like more christmassy well it just has to end well that's what makes it christmas i showed my mom the other day we were playing canasta which of course i do when i come home that's when i bond with my mother because she can drink enough wine to like loosen up so she had like a box of wine with a straw on it me and my dad were you know smoking the weed i

brought and uh she starts like going on i don't even know what i'm telling you now we're gonna start going into family drama keep going i'll i'll remember the rest during like rules i'm sure the last thing that people want to hear is my lukewarm review of a movie that's 54 years old okay so that's beloved by everyone but apparently me um well i know i'm well you look you uh beloved that fucking wonderful life i did i don't get it look i feel like this if you're standing on a bridge and you're like i'm gonna commit suicide just fucking kill yourself because if you. If you're standing on a bridge and you're like, I'm going to commit suicide, just fucking kill yourself. Because if you're not, you're basically begging me for attention. And I have no more attention to give to you.

Do you understand? Jump. Well, I say, man, he was cute. I was very invested in It's a Wonderful Life when I saw it. And I thought that White Christmas was perfectly nice. And the dancing was really good. And I enjoyed that song where they're like, snow, snow, snow, snow. But, you know, I just thought it was going to be more Christmassy.

I don't know what else to say. And I know this isn't going to win me over any new fans. i'm sorry i just have to be honest i have to be honest you reminded me because of your attitude that's the carom attitude okay so i'm here we're playing canasta we're getting wasted and my mom said i just want to watch a christmas movie like she loves the hallmark christmas jenny mccarthy crying to santa or whatever she loves that shit and so we looked on the netflix and i was like the ref is the best christmas movie that's great one that's such a good movie and she's like i don't want to watch some bullshit and i said no this is christmas she's like no i want something nice i said mom if you haven't seen this it's a

fucking classic and for those of you who haven't seen this it's a fucking classic and for those of you who haven't seen it it's dennis leary basically kidnapping judy davis and kevin spacey on christmas eve and they're this bickering awful couple yeah and they're they're uh the writing is so good the life is so snappy beguire in that also is he is he the bitch son i don't remember the bitch son in military school who's all whiny because those parents don't love him oh shut the fuck up why should they they gave you birth they gave you a roof over your head stop your whining great christmas movie i also um i actually think that my favorite Christmas movie, and I haven't really thought about this that much,

but I would have to say Edward Scissorhands, which I know isn't technically a Christmas movie, but it's kind of a Christmas movie. You know, because it's climaxes at Christmas, right? I just love a handjob. I love it. Like, honestly, like to put Johnny Depp in a position where he can't service me in the simplest of ways, I just can't respect that movie. You know, honestly, Edward Scissorhands is one of my favorite movies of all time.

And sometimes I forget about it. And then, like, you watch it. It is such a good movie. It is. Jim Burton really doesn't get the respect he deserves yeah he does such beautiful work is that not him no i was gonna say that what's his face toby mcguire is not in the ref i had it completely wrong i'm so christine baranski is oh my god christine baranski is amazing the kid's like mom the tv is broken what are we supposed to do now

celebrate the birth of christ so good it was basically uh it was like the prequel to krampus did you see it no i'm not gonna watch krampus i don't see scary movies you know me tomorrow's movie day with the family and i want to see krampus and like we can't take kids to that i'm like you know what's more horrifying being a child all right they'll get it i think also um uh national lampoon's christmas vacation is also good that's also a favorite such a good movie and who expected that not me not me i like that one yeahie we drive this yeah i was like it's over it's done this franchise is over i was like 12 and it was fantastic there are other ones out there but um we will that can be another that could be a bonus episode later why don't we get into bravo since

it's already you know like 20 minutes into this podcast that we're sitting here talking about you know christmas movies and christmas is already better okay let's deduct this time from talking about kenya's fake ass gay love scenes get out of here kenya well first of all by the way i want to say happy birthday to justin one of our listeners uh who uh i'm friendly with he actually lives in shanghai but he used to live here in la and he is one of our listeners who I'm friendly with. He actually lives in Shanghai, but he used to live here in LA, and he is one of my Facebook friends, and he listens. So happy birthday, Justin. Happy birthday, Justin. I love that

Shanghai movie with Madonna and Sean Pan. Shanghai surprise, right? It wasn't it. It wasn't it. Justin is our very own Shanghai surprise. Oh, Justin. So happy birthday to you, and Justin is our very own Shanghai Surprise Oh Justin So happy birthday to you And

Crap Crap Crap Are you ready for that? Todd and Linda Todd and Linda Crap Read the mailbag.

Our first question is from Marvin, our super sponsor, Marvin. We love Marvin. Super sponsor, Marvin. Super sponsor, Marvin. Marvin, Marvin, Marvin. Marvin, Marvin,

Marvin, Marvin, Marvin. Marvin. Marvin. Marvin. Marvin. Marvin. Did a Jetsons car just go through you? Yeah.

Marvin arrives on a Jetsons car to announce this. You always know when Marvin's nearby with a question for the Kra in his mailbag when you hear his little space car go by. Anyway, he says, I don't know about you guys, but I love those 30-second asides between the B and C blocks of Housewives that usually demonstrate some eccentricity. He's basically talking about those little 30-second things that when you're fast-forwarding, you stop and you're like, ah, I got caught. Yeah, it's like Kyle putting a scrunchie on her throat for the first time being like, oh, I farted. Yeah. What just happened? So he says he likes them because they demonstrate, like, an eccentricity or some of their comedy of manners. Do either of you have a favorite one of those

interstitials from any of the franchises my opinion is there have been some that i've enjoyed but i just i never remember them and usually i would say that 75 of them is just like stuff they need to throw together you know the i feel like the producers like oh we gotta throw something here for the 30 seconds and then there's like five percent maybe even like seven percent that has something like really funny that i'm like did you see that that was really funny and then there's like a 13 percent where it's something horrifying where you're like oh why did they put that in there they try and catch you in the surprising way like oh look it's it's kind of like a cut scene you know like lisa renna peed on the seat or whatever like ken pooped on the floor what just happened you know i kind of like those i like the interstitials i wish they were all like

that like the whole scenes were like that. Like scenes that you catch them being real. Because some of these shows, like the Housewives of Atlanta, this episode was so not being real. It was such fake scenes. And I like when they're just like, you know, brandy, there's a tampon string hanging out. And then you come to the next scene. Yeah. Now, I'll tell you what I do like, though.

I like those moments sort of at the top of a scene where the producers will include some sort of idiosyncratic moment. Which is why I think they include, well, you're always complaining about it, but I actually like it when they show the women ordering food. It kind of is like a moment that kind of grounds it in a strange reality, but also gives like a weird insight into their quirks. Like last week or two weeks ago when 2D was about to like walk into a restaurant and she had a sneezing attack, like weird stuff like that. Or just little things at the top of the scene, a little like patter or whatever. I like that or just little things at the top of the scene a little like patter or

whatever i like that i i yeah those are the things i like being real for even one second it's so rare you know it's like a rare sighting of a housewife being rare yeah or sometimes though you get the feeling that they don't like a cast man they They're like, let's throw in this really unflattering two-second moment of this person saying something. And you always feel like it's funny. Fuck you from the editor. And I love that. I like that, too. I'm a big fan of that. And just to say about the waiters, like, yes, I hate it.

But it's not that I hate that they're showing them ordering or interacting with real life. The thing I hate is when the waiters are wannabe actors and they come on thinking, I'm a waiter. I'm going to be seen by Martin Scorsese. You know, like that's how they pronounce his name and they try and get all kiss assy like they're auditioning for something get my cob salad bitch like seriously are you doing a shuffle ball change right now it's a tv show move away move away um so now betty brown asks have you guys ever listened to stassi's podcast thoughts one of the things i love about this show is that we're just like a giant fuck you to these shows and i can't i can't there's a line okay and derrick hazelton i'm talking to you bitch

i've known this bitch for like 10 years now on the internet, and I love her because she says whatever is on her mind. And you know what? Not covering Opry Ski and shit like that, it's not because you love it and we hate you and we're not going to do it. The reason I don't do it is because there are some things. You understand how my hate gets out of control right like you you felt it personally i'm sure anyone who's listened to this long enough like it gets

out of control and if there's people that i have no empathy for at all i just can't you can't do it well i haven't listened to stasis either but you know what though we can just play 30 seconds of it right now and hear what it sounds please do it oh and by the way Sleddy Hoare Derek Hazleton

it's for people like order a bunch there's so many funny sweaters like and they're all like relevant to today I just dropped into a random episode

they have like really funny stuff you know what would be really good for the gift exchange this is Stassi with Christina Kelly no the gift exchange at parties elephant whiteassi with Christina Kelly. No, the gift exchange at parties.

Elephant. White elephant? Is that what it's called? That'd be a cute one. If you get a funny sweater. It is. That's a really good idea. And do you know what I found out? The new movie with Seth Rogen. Rogen?

What is that? Seth Rogen, The Night Before, which I get to see and I really want to see. He wears a tipsy elf sweater. Oh my god. They're not even doing the same ad that we are doing. I've got to fast forward. Are they seriously doing an ad right now?

I mean, I have some more shit I could talk about. But like, if you're tired, we don't have to. No. Is this over? He's talking about it. I mean, we've gone an hour. Really? We have gone an hour. Can you believe it've gone an hour really we have gone an hour

can you believe it Stassi and Christina have gone an hour it happens all the time who does that we should do an episode where we pretend we're on the podcast

with them let's go one more okay do one more so these are for the people who want to keep going because I have had some alien ghost talk on the last two

episodes of my podcast and I have had half of you saying please continue it and half of you being like shut the fuck up so at this point two of you say go two of you say stop S

T F U is this what we sound like acronym city TBH TBH. Yes, TBH. TBH. Why is Christina, why are you talking? To be honest.

Christina's like, oh my god, Sasa, you are the funniest. You can turn this podcast off now. Your thoughts on aliens. Really? Well, I grew up with my dad who was an alien. So I grew up with my dad being like, I saw a UFO. Well, I can't believe that actually Christina

has a story for this saying he actually saw a UFO I believe that so my dad lives out I've talked about

this before but like out in the middle of nowhere who does that who goes to another solar system but describe it

in detail Christina's talked about this he lives in a dome yeah so he lives in a dome it's like a solar it's like all like

Sheena should probably live there their podcast has actually gone in a direction I was not expecting lives in a dome. It's like a solar. It's like all like that. Sheena should probably live there. Their podcast has actually gone in a direction I was not expecting. And in a very fast amount of time. Why should Sheena live in a solar powered dome? Like his water is heated by the sun. Hey, did you hear me, Christina?

Super hippie. But my dad always tells me he sees UFOs out there. I believe that. And I visited him. I'm going to fast forward to see what they're talking about in seven minutes. It's, it's buffering. Oh,

the iTunes action. iTunes actually just stopped. iTunes was like, no, iTunes speaks for the world. Yeah, that's, that's fine.

Maybe, maybe we should get on. Who's the half of you telling you that you should keep talking to christina about her dad seeing ufos in their dome solar house in a story that she's told before by the way shut up you guys in your sweet tipsy elves shut up bitches we definitely have to do a segment where we pretend that we're on the podcast with them. Where when Stassi asks a question, we just respond. I was doing it. I was in it.

I was totally with Christina. I hated her. Because I feel like if we were actually on a podcast with Stassi, that's how it would be. She would ask us a question we would respond and then she would just keep talking who writes those questions what do you think about Aiden I can't you know what though I can't

hate on her because we have we talked about aliens just like two weeks ago we did remember on Crap It's Mailbag someone's like who do you think is from mars or something like that well yeah but at least people asked us she's like so christmas sweaters right like gifts because like at a party like white what is it elephant is it what's an elephant? It's a gift? Yeah. Because sweaters.

Shut the fuck up, lady. Read a newspaper. So Deborah Howard asks, Regarding Yolanda, who do you think will be her next rich victim? Mohammed? And what machine confirmed 60% brain function back? And where is the other 40%?

Did you notice she ran to bed and posed when her guest Lisa and Eileen came to a visit? She closed her eyes like she was sleeping, then decided to be awake on her phone. I don't really think she was faking, but she has rich lady menopause. Happy New Year, XOXO. And what doctor prescribed all those meds? I can hardly get a Tylenol prescribed. And don't you have to wait for refills on meds?

Odd. Oh my God, so many questions. Where should we start? Let's start backwards. Do you have to wait for refills on meds? Adderall, Ambien, there are certain ones you do. Not if you have a drug advocate. Not if you have Daisy.

The call girls will always know how to get those drugs quickly. No kidding. Get a bitch who knows real burlesque in there, right? Daisy's like performing sugar up on the counter of the Target pharmacy. They're like, take your fucking Adderall. Get out of here. She's singing her own version of, she's doing her own weird Al Yankovic version of Fever. She's like, you give me limes.

When I see you, lime'm in the morning at night. Lime. And also a lot of those medications from her chart, which I still have screenshotted as my screensaver on my Mac, or not my screensaver, the desktop on my Mac. Most of them are prescriptions. You do not need a prescription for a five-hour energy okay it's like i crush up a poop tea and i tweak it okay that's not a prescription let's move on to

the chlorazoflazepam okay chlorazoflazepam um uh next question last question is from katherine she kind of answers her own question because she replies to herself and she goes will the Krampus be nominated for the best newcomer crappy and then she goes duh I forgot about Hanky the shoo-in for the win guess I'll have to listen

guess I'll have to listen to find out can Hanky be considered new I mean he's new to our show this year but I mean Hanky came last season well it's like the Grammys where you can have released 10 albums but then the moment your song gets on the radio it's like best

new artist best new artist Amy Grant remember those days guys remember those days oh yeah oh do I remember yeah alright well thank you everyone for the Remember those days, guys. Remember those days. Oh, yeah. Oh, do I remember? Yeah.

All right. Well, thank you, everyone, for the crap and smell bag. Baby, baby. To love you with the sweetest of devotion. Baby, baby. I had that tape. I had that tape growing up. Okay. It's time

to get on with it. Get on with it, Abby. What do you want to do, Dolby? Dolby? Why don't we start with Atlanta, shall we not? Please, let's. By the way, my nieces are walking around going Dolby! Did you hear me and then thank god the other one goes

i die i'm ruining these children i just love perfection i can't just talk to you why do you have to tell me instructions are you listening and the other one they do, my niece Aubrey goes, I'm going to look like a lab. I'm a snake. Die. I'm going to look like a lab. I'm a snake. I'm going to bite your head off.

Then I'm going to eat you. And then I'm going to go and shed my skin. And then I'm going to go find something else to eat, like a ball of clover. It's like 30 seconds later. I'm a snake. I'll eat you and devour your whole. And then I'm sick of devouring you and taking a nap.

So I wake up and I poop your ass. And I eat you again. You can put a balaclava on, but he's still got a penis. You've not put a balaclava on that. And if he's going to use it, he's going to use it. It cracks me up because it always, because it's like, she,

she hits, she hits her beat of like, like she does the setup and the punchline of whatever her line is. Like, you put balaclava on, but he still has a penis. And then she just keeps going. She's like, and furthermore,

and footnote, and appendix A. You can put a balaclava on, but he's still got a penis. You've not put a balaclava on that. And if he's going to use it, he's going to use it. Too many conjunctions for Comeback Girl. Too many conjunctions. So good.

We need someone like me with my nieces. I go, wrap it up. Wrap it up. Cheers to her. Uncle, the other day at school, this girl came over and she said, and she was like, and then I was like, uh. I'm like, wrap it up. Wrap it up, darling. So anyway, Atlanta, I have a macro note about this episode, which is that nothing happened.

Nothing happened the entire hour. Even the big confrontation with don juan at the end was like this is like the bad news that the government releases on friday they're like it's christmas just you put the most boring episode here insert terrible episode that's exactly what it was they basically shoveled in it you know what it was you know how like these the like secrets revealed is always like all the shit that didn't fit into the rest of the season that's what this episode was it was a secret secrets revealed episode because nothing there's nothing happened here secrets revealed i have to say i've avoided them for so long and

recently i watch them because honestly i'm just desperate let's be honest they're kind of good this episode no no this is like kenya pretending she like has a craving for dick yeah i've people have commented about her being a lesbian for years i don't even know that she's a lesbian i don't get that vibe necessarily um and we'll get to that with vanderpump rules lesbians everywhere but with her i don't get that vibe it's just like a general only want to fuck myself vibe and i think i recognize it with myself it's like a mix of i mean i'm not really a narcissist but like with fucking i am and i think maybe she has that yeah i think i think that she's actually i don't get a lesbian vibe off of her i think she's actually profoundly messed up like i think everything that happened

with her mom she is she's like messed up and so she probably just you know sabotaging herself i just figure that she's got like a giant collection of dildos and she's learned that that's the key to happiness i mean maybe so the uh the episode opens like a montage of like kenya's going online dating and kim fields is facetiming with someone she's on like amazon prime now that shit where they deliver in 30 minutes it's like a big old picture of kenya on there yeah it was like a it was like this montage of everyone doing boring things cynthia got some flowers from peter and he's like oh so the that fixes everything right peter's proof yeah i just did this because do you know and the card he wrote

she reads it she's like oh okay in her testimonial diary room whatever talking head uh little tiny ball eyes but then in the scene like drag queen pulled back tape eyes i don't know what cynthia but she gets this thing and they're yellow roses which i don't know the code of roses do you what what does yellow mean like red means love white means friendship yellow means what piss on you yellow means hey i just bought another warehouse and i'm starting up a new restaurant in it that's what yellow means stop strangling girls and bars and making out with them on instagram and instead of pissing on them on instagram she's like oh that's so nice he's learning baby steps hey i uh i bought a 12 000 square foot foot space to open up another extension of Peter's Brew in Charlotte. It's under a highway.

Love you. A guy who worked with Martin Luther King got run over by a bus there. Peter's Brew! So she's reading the card from Peter and it says, hold on, let me find where it says. It says,

just because I love you. I'm like, oh, shut up. Is that from a Jared commercial, Peter? Shut up, Peter. And Cynthia's like, well, I mean, like, he's trying, but I need a lot more. Really, Cynthia? You do? You married the man at a donated dinosaur museum.

I mean, cut on what's this not gonna last like getting married in a dinosaur museum maybe it was just his way of showing that he wants to get into the flower industry he's like yo we'll be a competitor 100 flowers it'd be 100 penis petals yeah it's like a fruit bouquet what do they call those edible arrangements. Yes. Like, it's a peanut arrangement. It's like just apples found on the street. It's like shit he hipster dived. What do you call that? Like, yeah, dumpster diving or foraging.

Peanut dumpster. A freegin. It's called a freegin. Oh, yeah, a freegin. Yeah, I'm a freegin. It's called a friggin. He's like, yo, I'm a friggin. So then Candy goes and meets with Roger Bob.

Remember old friend Roger Bob. And Demetria, who Demetria now has mom hair. And they go meet at Roger Bob's office. You know, Roger Bob, I... What? You have such a thing for mom hair i love it no i really i really hate mom demetria is is gorgeous i'm like don't do that i mean it wasn't total mom hair but it was on her it looked a little mom hairish and i think that she got rid of it like midway through the episode but like for that scene it was mom harry i'm like don't do that demetria don't do it i

forgot that demetria was on the show even when they were showing clips of her i was like who is that i didn't recognize her yeah until like the last scene when they showed her when they showed her being shady with the other ladies i was like oh yeah yeah she was in like two scenes well she tried hard last season to make an impression but she pretty much got steamrolled. And there was that really stupid controversy with Roger Bob. Like, wait, no, he's dating this girl. No, she's dating Demetria.

No. And then she just was like, huh. They're like, okay, you're fired. Yeah. She's like, I don't want to fight about it. Of course he's dating 20 people. Okay, you're out. I find Roger Bob actually oddly attractive.

Well, yeah. What arrogant, rich motherfucker isn't? He's just, I don't know. There's something very attractive about him. Money, dick, confidence. I mean, what more do you need? I don't even know that he has a big dick. I'm just assuming he does because of his confidence, which makes me want to pretend he has a big dick no matter what happens.

Yeah. Well, so Candy was there to meet because Candy and Demetria, they sang a song together. They did a duet, and they were meeting because they're going to do a music video. And that's – It's like that boy is mine, but nobody really cares whose boy is whose so i love when candy sings and i love when she releases music because she is the only housewife out there who

basically can can legitimately release a song but this song i wanted to love it but there was no hook there was no hook oh yeah but that's like candy music. She doesn't really have much of a hook. She's just like, your man is gone. Excuse me. She wrote Scrubs and like... I mean, come on. Out of hundreds of songs, how many hooks?

Hey, it only takes one. No, she wrote all the early Destiny's Child shit. You know? Oh, yeah, yeah. But her stuff sounds like that still, though. That's the thing that was funny. But also this one, she's like Child shit, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah. But her stuff sounds like that still, though. That's the thing that was funny. But also this one, she's like, yeah, you know, look, a lot of people want to work with me, but this bitch paid me. So there you go.

You know what she wrote? You know what she wrote? She wrote Tardy for the Party. Don't ever forget that. That's true. Tardy for the party. Oh. And pay my telephone bill.

Pay my automobile. and pay my telephone bill pay my automobile and she also wrote the still unreleased The Ring Didn't Mean a Thing The ring didn't mean a thing whoa she also wrote The Wind Beneath My Wings

from Beaches tell your friends she also wrote Baby Baby by Amy Grant she also wrote Baby Baby by Amy Grant. She also wrote the entire musical. She also wrote White Christmas.

Know that. She's like, I'm dreaming of a Christmas rally. Which is called a rally Christmas. I'm chill now. Riley Christmas. Anyway.

You're not going to keep this hotel open? Why, Candy? That is wrong, Candy. See? Now, Mama, she's very proud. And like, see? Now, we want to get all her old friends and all her old sisters to the hotel. Did someone yell at my people?

Was someone talking bad of the busboy? Because that's my people right there. Okay, okay. Did someone talk about my people on the Ed Sullivan show? See, now, we're just trying to get people up to Mama's hotel. trying to get people up to Mama's hotel. Mama Joyce is like, I don't like all these songs they're singing tonight.

I don't like a white Christmas. Put me in a room down the hall, can't you? That is wrong. She takes her shoe off. She's like, who are all these people? I just heard from the town that his mother is a hole in his papa's penis!

Whoa, not that kind of hotel, lady. Relax, all right? I would love to see Whitemas recreated with the cast of whatever it was the candy goes to denver to spin spin off whatever that hotel would never be reopened because no one would ever pay them rent they'd have this huge fundraiser raise all the money do the show learn the tap dances get the sisters to sing the shit, and then they just spend the money on some other

bullshit. The hotel would still go under. Well, because Todd would take over the hotel's finances because he married into the hotel. And he'd be like, see, what we have to do with the hotel is we have to add a buffet.

And they'd be like, oh, fine. They'd spend all their money making a big buffet that only Todd eats at, and then is we have to we have to add a buffet and he's like oh fine they like spend all their money making a big buffet that only Todd eats at and then the entire hotel goes under so anyway anyway then we have a scene where at Phaedra's house where Bun comes by

to I fell asleep during this I literally fell asleep during this scene and I had to resume watching the show the next day. So I don't remember what happened, but Bun came by. I laughed really hard that his name was Bun because later in the episode, Candy talks about her bun in the oven because

she's so protective of her bun in the oven. And I just started laughing because I was like, oh, that's so cute the little guy named himself bun he's like a little baby and i don't know i think it's cute like apollo has this little like sweet midget friend it's like his queen got crushed under her house and he's just trying to find the way home you know he's like hey i've been getting Instas from Apollo sending me pictures of him peeing like letters in the toilet and then saying that you haven't called him. And she's like, well, you know, that silly Apollo and those felonies.

And he's like, yeah, but it would be really nice if you'd have the kids call. She's like, but I have had the kids call. They've called. They've sent emails. Aiden knows how to work an email. And he's like, well, Apollo said that no one ever calls him. And she's like, oh, you know that husband of mine. All of his silly stories.

And Bun's like, uh-huh. And then she goes, like you said yourself, he was a horrible husband. What? Adra, Bun never said that. She's like mesmerizing Bun, and he's believing everything. Because his name is Bun, he will believe whatever you tell him. My favorite part was that when Bun gave a gift to Aiden and Aiden was like

thank you. I was like oh baby Aiden. So polite. Good manners. I mean the guy gives her a gang jacket for the kid. He's like here's a leather jacket with gang spray paint on the back. Here's a punch

card for... Well isn't that cool? I know. Yeah. That's going to look great with his bow tie and his suit. He's about to wear the kindergarten bun. Yeah. Take a cookie on your way out, bun. So then we go to the video shoot for Demetria's video,

and they're all, like, getting together. Todd comes in on a hoverboard. You know, the only reason why he likes those hoverboards is not because, like, he likes rolling around. It's because it makes him three inches taller. That's the only reason why. He's like, finally, something that's socially acceptable to make me taller. It's like a squatty potty with wheels on it i know those things have been blowing up and i and i mean literally they're exploding and i think

good squatty potties or hoverboards hoverboards well i'm sure though right yeah probably both but apparently the cheap ones have actually been exploding. I say, you know what? People are such pussies, okay? You don't have to walk. You just stand there. You get to turn in circles around old people in the street. By the way, I talk drunkenly to these teenagers who circled me on the street while I asked them questions about their hoverboard. But anyway, like, you get to curse and spit at old people in the street.

And then you get to run away really slowly while Instagramming and never moving. Those things are amazing. And I was actually proud of the midget for not falling. And you know what? If that shit explodes, at least you didn't have to walk. Worth it. Well, it'll be funny when people are like, oh man, how'd you lose your leg? Did you lose it in Iraq?

No, I was on a cheap hoverboard. Well, I was trying to enjoy the spoils of NAFTA and not walk on my Chinese hoverboard. Thank you very much. It was worth it. It's what this country stands for. Be nice to China, darling. Be nice to hoverboard. Krampus Brachua hoverboard.

Enjoy it. Don't pass NAFTA and then, like, cry when China blows your leg off, alright? So, anyway, speaking of legs, for some reason I wrote down this quote of Candy, because she's pregnant and they're, like, putting her in this outfit and they're putting boots on her. And she goes, this is a lot of work to get a boot on. And for some reason, that cracked me up. I was like, that's Candy's life in a nutshell.

People trying to put a boot on her. And she's like, jeez, that's a lot of work. Put the boot on. Imagine when those slipper socks came out. Oh, my god. They stick on your feet in such a weird way. She's probably like, what? Slipper socks?

Oh man, that's difficult. See? See? Now. Snap bracelets. Why can't you just put a bracelet on like normally? See? Why do you have to snap it on? See? It's not clasping.

What's harder than clasping? Vaping has stolen my range. It was really nice to quit smoking and start vaping and completely lose my voice. Sorry, darling. Sorry. At least I'm satanic now. It's going to be so hard to be in a music video when i'm pregnant she puts on these big stupid boots and this like weird

mimi leaks design fucking poncho art teacher flowy thing looked gorgeous gorgeous a plus the candy and then she gets up there and she's like this is going to be so difficult really are you going to do like we're in the money from 42nd street because i think you're like slowly doing a box step while you lip sync off key well then we cut to uh kenya and marlo going to the gym which is again basically like a nothing scene except that we can't you can't no no no no i didn't mean to cut you off i was just accentuating oh yeah no it was just a nothing scene except we met this guy matt who uh you know i mean if roger bob was hot then i mean matt i mean matt was in a different i mean matt was well matt was one of those gays on on Bravo we like because we have enough self-hatred to appreciate a closet case.

I mean, that guy, come on. That's like a gay that Kenya's like giving $10 to. Because, you know, we've learned from work at New York that these personal trainers will do anything. He's like, this is my brand. I'm Kenya Moores. Gay. You know, possible sex. Never had sex person.

Shut up, Kenya. Well, I don't know if that guy was gay or not, but he, at the very least, is extremely, extremely attractive. Also, he licks his lips too much, man. Yeah, he did. You have to look past the hotness. I can't. I can't.

And he's blinking too wide. Don't trust him. He'll steal money at your purse, girl. Well, I love how he's super hot and Kenny's like, I don't know. You know, he doesn't have a lot of things on my list. I'm like, your list right now

should have only one thing on it, which is someone who's willing to go on a date with you. Okay, check. Go on a date with him. And he's hot. Go. On Trulia, you don't even need a double sync with that listing that shit has been on there for like years they're like trulia just take it

take it so then we go back to the video shoot and we which is at this point we now have like like we keep on seeing these scenes of don juan being a busy body. He's like, that floor looks too slick. Okay. Put down Velcro, put down Velcro. Okay. Candy, can you hold a styrofoam plate?

Can you hold it? Okay. We're going to put a crudite on there. So can you still hold it? Are you out of breath? Are you okay? Relax. Like candy needs a moment to scratch her weave.

Everybody back 10 feet away. I think he was like, I may, maybe after watching that, that Aspen special where that other guy came on and he was like i maybe after watching that that uh aspen special where that other guy came on and he was like had like the little baggie of snacks for everyone maybe don juan is like oh i gotta step on my kiss my kiss ass game now so now he's like don juan comes in with a bowl cut don juan was really he this whole season he's been a little crazy. Maybe he's hyped up on something.

But he is like everything. He's like, okay, Candy, don't stand here because a light bulb could fall on your head. Everything is insane. Someone pointed out on the old Facebook, they were like, yeah, it's when the coke ran out. And that's kind of how it felt with this. And I know it's so easy to say say like ah they were on drugs and just excuse i was thinking the same they're all on drugs and especially him oh my god i was sweating he was really yeah shifty eyed girl like you're worried so much about candy slipping you know without

slipper socks on in her sex video while she's pregnant but you're not worried about driving her ass home while you're on meth shut up don juan so um so then porsche and phedra come to this video shoot and they're watching and and candy's up there like in her poncho singing doing her thing and i love that porsche was like wow like candy is pregnant and working that's amazing I'm like well I mean imagine if she had a bruise I mean that might take it over the limit if Portia took off two days of work cause she got a bruise and Candy is pregnant and up there working

she's like whoa also I love every scene that Portia is in because she's like why why yeah raise the roof yeah girl yeah girl and she's always like holla holla holla holla holla holla Yeah, raise the roof Yeah, girl And she's always like Hold on, hold on

Hold on, hold on This is a music video Yeah, girl And she finds any reason to hump the air And scream out loud like she's in the middle of a party No matter what scene she's Candace is going to give birth And she's going to be like

What, you got a baby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, humping the air. Put your ass away, Portia. You better get it, fetus. Work, fetus, work. That's my baby position. I like curling while I'm doing the fetus. Yeah,

baby. Shut up, Portia. Baby comes out crying. Ooh, that fetus is extra today. No shade. No shade. So then we go on to Peter and Cynthia having the most boring date. I mean, every date of theirs is boring, but this is the most boring. It's basically them walking around the park and then.

I'm going to take you on a romantic date. And she's like, yes,eter takes me on these romantic dates and this is better than a you know peter knew i didn't like those flowers and so he came to take me on a romantic date like he is walking you through a homeless infested shit smelling yeah half day dog parking shit covered park get out of here he's like karen got 99 cent whopper and she's like oh peter's making an effort yeah and then they have like a montage of other romantic things he's done and he only does these extravagant romantic dates after he fucks up so it's not him being romantic it's him just trying to get back in your good graces which is a totally different thing and by the way and also he has a bravo

budget and they're all on camera and when she's like remember that time you cut to a bravo scene remember that time you cut to a bravo scene have you even seen this man outside of bravo i don't think any of his dates are particularly romantic i mean like they went into like an empty warehouse put some candles down and a guy sang to them in a cavernous space like that's not romantic to me that's just like creepy and awkward peter's that user relative who's like here's my contribution for christmas a song i recorded for everybody and you're like oh shit now we have to sit around and listen to your shitty song buy me a gift you cheap fuck so then they go and they sit at like a little table in a gazebo and they eat like ritz crackers and this guy named amir

comes up and he's a local artist and he's like i'll be joining you for lunch i'm like what the fuck what this is weird. And then they just had to bring the peanut butter. Yeah. And Amir's saying they're like drawing. He's essentially like an out of work police sketch artist. And they are like, that's why no one's ever caught people like Amir. Yeah.

And they're like, they're like having this really boring conversation. The most exciting thing that happens is that peter knocks over a glass okay and the best part is that when amir finally shows his drawing it looks like one of those etchings you find in a pamphlet about safe sex you know it was like this really basic ridiculous drawing it's like sometimes it's okay to have an abortion yeah okay thank you for reading this it was it was honestly on par with the sort of drawings you would you would find in like a seventh grade art class like yes when your child brings home that drawing when they're five you're like i'm giving you a shot to that like It's over for you. I regret you. That picture of Peter, all that guy had to do was Xerox a box of Mr. Ben or whatever. You know, like the rice.

That's all he had to do. He drew Peter even more busted than Peter already is. The thing was like his face was all like googly and his eyes were crossed and then they cut to peter and his eyes were crossed and i thought you know you shady fucking editors marry me but why also is that romantic to be on a date and someone's like drawing you and then you have this like totally amateurish drawing as a result of that like that's not really romantic it's just it's just weird it's like it's like one of those things that seems like would be a a lovely gesture to have an artist capturing this moment but you got a camera crew there you don't need an artist

yeah you look no artist is gonna be drawing peter okay yeah michelangelo p. Okay? Michelangelo, Peter. Is Michelangelo... Does he have cross ties? If he was pointing at anything, it would be the ATM screen while he's trying to figure out the fingerprints left on it from the last time Cynthia put in her PIN number.

Get out of here. Peter's Chapel. So, uh, then we go into peter's chapel the peterstein chapel hey hey i uh i opened up a new outpost of peter's brew it's in italy it's called the peter's chapel like peter you all you did was bring a cup of coffee into the Sistine Chapel. Yeah, it's my chapel now. I bought it. He's like putting a Keurig machine in between.

Some guy approached Peter and was like, hey, you want this real estate? It costs, you know, $50,000. Peter's like, oh, prime real estate with a nice painting on top. Yeah, I'll take it. This guy walks away with a trench coat. Sistine's like, wait, you bought the Sistine top. Yeah, I'll take it. This guy walks away with a trench coat. Cynthia's like, wait, you bought the Sistine Chapel? Yeah, you know, I bought it for $50,000.

Great deal. I'm like, you did not, you just lost me $50,000. No, no, it's Petersburg. Michelangelo. Petersburg. Hey, you hear? You know, Maya Angelou drew a painting up on the ceiling there. No, it's not Maya Angelou. It's Michelangelo. Oh.

Never mind. Oh, yes. They call the rhyming things off the cups. So there was this painting up top, and it was like a naked guy with his penis out. So instead, I just painted over it. I said, penis brew for sale right below. And everyone's mad now. A beard and a bigger dick.

Hey, I hired Amir. I hired Amir to paint something on top of that ceiling up there in the Sistine Chapel. He put stick figures of you and me instead. Way better. Peter's brew. And Cynthia would be like, oh my god, Peter. I saw that painting on the ceiling. Why were you touching that other person's finger with your own finger?

On Instagram, everybody can see that. Fibroids. I could totally see them. They have a little rack for Cynthia Bailey eyewear next to a curing machine below a painted-over Sistine Chapel. And then there's a giant portrait of Cynthia Bailey that they take from Bar One. It's propped up against the wall.

Welcome. Welcome to the Peterstein Chapel. Oh, Vatican. Vatican. So then Kenya goes on her date with Matt, which is them just playing basketball. Him looking hot. Kenya playing a dyke sport with a gay guy. Too much.

FF. And then we get to the most. Did we already do 2D doing her nails? Oh, wait. I skipped. Where are you? I was just going to go to Aiden's first day of kindergarten. Yes, Phaedra, Dylan, and Aiden.

You do it. You have feelings. I have feelings. It's not even snarky. It's just Aiden... It's his first day of kindergarten. Phaedra puts him in a little bow tie, which is so adorable. And then he gets into the, like, everything is just so cute and so sweet. Like, Aiden getting into the backseat of the car.

And he gets into his little child seat. And, like, he has this. That car seat is, like, hounds. What is that? It's houndstooth? I thought it was, like, zebra. I don't is that it's houndstooth i thought it was like zebra i don't know it's houndstooth it's designer i was dying with this little bow tie yeah and so she's driving him and he's just so cute and then he's like sad about going to kindergarten because because basically she won't be with him and he's like i want to go to where i want you to go wherever i go i was like she's like listen you can't come into the parking lot of the denny's to grab a bag of cash and the

marijuana together okay honey mama needs some alone time and then she's like are you excited about your first day of kindergarten she's like oh and and something then he's like I'm still gonna be your baby and I was like and Phaedra started to cry and I was like this is so sweet I mean that was legit Phaedra cry because how could you not cry I mean look she puts her kid in a bow tie

and a houndstooth car seat that can be one shady fake bitch but when she can't help herself from like being real sometimes that was you can't yeah you can't and it was so cute that's her son and he's saying i'm still gonna be your baby i was like you're my baby too you're my baby too aiden she's like kindergarten we are in the car going to kindergarten. I mean, you've already made it further in school than your father did. And this is just a moment we need to cherish.

She's like, Aiden, you have given me the greatest gift of all, which is finally having a memory I can think back upon whenever I need to cry in the future. Next time I need to compare tammy's nephew to ferguson i'll always think of this moment so i can cry appropriately right now the first step is kindergarten the next step you're going to be going to college and you're going to be a real head doctor so then we go on to another romantic moment between Portia and Oliver. He's like, Lucy, I'm home. Don't lose any weight on your ass, baby.

She's like, I'm only with Harold Lucy. You're so cute. Okay, Portia, I always, because I just put P in my notes, but Portia comes to FaceTime in a summer, like summer evening black cotton lutes nightgown dress thing with her tits on the table. She has a new head of hair somehow. New eyelashes.

Her nails are done. She's wearing diamonds. I'm like, come on now. For FaceTime? Girl, I'll pop a zit and masturbate on FaceTime. Like, who gets dressed like that? And she's like, I was just doing things in the kitchen. He's like, yeah, I bet you were.

All his responses were super cheesy. She's like, i bet you were yeah all his responses were like super like cheesy she's like can you see me now he's like yeah i i can only see your boobs but i like it this is the best sort of you that's so funny i don't know why and then it's like the camera just stays on her boobs and he, this is my first time dating a black girl. And she's like, wait a second, so you have sex with black girls, but you never dated? Was it a culture class?

And he goes, I don't know how to answer that question. I don't know what any of this was meaning. But I was like, what are they talking about? Why do they not have their dicks in their hands yet? Oh, goodness. I love your butt.

I was watching this, by the way, because I've been going place to place with my family and the kids and stuff. So I've got this downloaded on my computer, and I was watching it in the car. And this was the part where he's like i love your butt and then it cuts to her twerking in that thong at the pool last week in my am slow motion and my brother-in-law was like whoa i said yes is atlanta now and he's like rewind it what the hell and i was like that's porsche well good old porsche is always good i'm not sleepy no i said ham slapping oh i thought you said ben sleepy i thought you said ben sleepy i was like no oh no no no i'm like darling i still haven't finished my venti iced coffee but what i will say is no sorry after my last runaway i'm ready for a man who's running

towards me poor thing he's still on facetime and then when she says so are you ready for a relationship click yeah it's like oh sorry sorry baby gotta go facetime don't run girl and if it does just ran away oh look how that ended up all right so the next scene is Tootie doing her nails, and she's all excited because, you know she's painting her cubicles. Her cubicles. Her cuticles. Tootie is painting cubicles. But you know Tootie is painting those

cuticles. Yeah. They're like grown over her nails. She's like, I'm leaving the house. She's like, I'm so excited. we're going on our carpool tonight a nighttime carpool juice boxes for everyone adult fundraiser pta party tooties putting on the boots yeah tooties getting ready this reminds me of junior year of high school we had to watch a little movie it was like a 20 minute movie

it was an adaptation of I think like an F. Scott Fitzgerald short story called Bernice Bobs Her Hair and it was like Bernice in the 19th century or early no actually it was in the early 20th century she gets her hair cut into a bob and she's excited.

So to me, this was like, ooh, 2D bobs her hair. Getting out. Going crazy. She's putting on boots. First off, that's the first time in Atlanta history that someone has brought up

F. Scott Fitzgerald. Second of all, really, Bernice bobs her hair. Like, F, you could do better better and i think he did in the future hopefully this was the first draft because really like i mean come on you're like huge in our literary world bobs her hair shut up bernice bobs her hair uh it appeared now i'm on wikipedia of course and uh is a short story that appeared in a collection called Flappers and Philosophers. So exciting.

Anyways. Let's go on. I was quiet because I wanted to hear the rest. I was like, this is real? It says, the new Bernice, so she bobs her hair, and the new Bernice is a big hit with the boys in town with her new attitude, especially with Warren, a boy that Marjorie keeps around as her own but neglects. Does she get an abortion? I mean, come on, F. Scott. Dig deeper. Well, actually,

this story's pretty good, because when it becomes clear that Warren has shifted his interest from Marjorie to Bernice, Marjorie sets about humiliating Bernice, tricking her into going through with bobbing her hair. When Bernice comes out of the barbershop with a new hairdo, her hair is flat and strange. The boys suddenly lose interest in her, and Bernice realizes she's been tricked because she bobbed her hair. But Marjorie's mother

points out that Bernice's haircut, which at the time was only seen on liberated women, would cause a scandal at an upcoming party held in her and Marjorie's honor. So Bernice, deciding it would have been best to leave the town before the party the next day, packs her trunk in the middle of the night and decides to leave on a train at 1 a.m. But before she goes, she sneaks into Marjorie's room and cuts off her cousin's two braids, taking them with her on her run to the station and throwing them into Warren's front porch. That's the way that Bernie's Bob's right ends. Fucking A.S.C. Andy Cohen of that time.

I know. Seriously, that is like a real housewives, like tricking someone into like bobbing their hair so they become ugly. And then Bernice's revenge. This is basically what would happen. This would be like, look out, look out Kenya, because if you keep on cutting at Tutti, she's going to come and cut your hair off.

It's like the Samson and Delilah of that time. Shut up with that. A woman's worth is in her fucking hair. Shut up, F. Scott Fitzgerald. Really? That's what you think of women? A whole fucking story about women you write for once in your life, and it's all about them being jealous of each other's goddamn hair.

You know what? That says a lot, and I'll say it this much. I'm never reading another F. Scott again. I've never forgiven that. Well, to be fair, to be fair, you know, there is nothing worse than when someone prematurely adopts a mom haircut. And Bernice, Bernice did it. She bobbed her hair. Bernice bobbed her hair and she became, you know, the guys weren't into it.

Like, that's what happens if you go Kate Gosselin. all right, or Posh Spice prematurely, all right? You're going to lose the guys. So mom haircuts have been the bane of existence all the way back to the 20s. No kidding. F. Scott's like, this is why husbands cheat. Okay, thank you. F. Scott Smith's tale. Thank you very much.

I hope your kids score a lot. I have to say, and I'm not going to go into it, but when I started doing the Bernice bobs her hair plot summary, I skipped the whole first half, which is one of the things that Bernice, one of the ways that Bernice became popular and got attention away from Marjorie. Please say it's blowjobs. No, well, probably that, but she had a line about bobbing their hair. She was always talking about bobbing their hair.

So when Marjorie tricks her into bobbing her hair, it's actually, you know, turnabout is fair play. But then, of course, it gets turned about again. Bobbing the hair, Bernice bobs her hair, 2D anyway. I can't get into hair drama. I'm bald. This is what happens when we do Crap and Slay Tonight. We go on a major tangent about Bernice bobs her hair. But you know what? I'm like, I'm bald. This is what happens when we do Crap and Slate at Night. We go on a major tangent about Bernice Bob's hair.

But you know what? Everybody just learned about literature. Like, all of our stupid asses and all the people who think like us are going to have something to say at a dinner party on New Year's. They're going to be like, have you ever read F. Scott? Bernice Bob's hair, darling. Well, but the thing is that it's going to get all, like, twisted into, like, our podcast. So someone's going to be like, have you read the F. Scott Fitzgerald story, Bernice Bobs Her Hair? It's about this woman, Bernice, who goes to a video release party.

And it turns out that she gets into a fight with someone named Don Juan. And then they leave. And everyone was in love with her until she flapped her ham ass cheeks at them. Everyone loved Bernice because no one could even see that she was pregnant. Bernice kept scratching her weave, Bob, whenever she got a new fool. So Bernice shows up with a society ball on a hoverboard

and everyone says, Bernice, you look so much taller. But she still killed herself because she didn't have mom hair. But before she did, she went up to Marlo and cut off all her hair. And then everyone shaved each other's hair and they all cried and killed themselves. Thanks, F. Scott Fitzgerald. No one kills themselves. Just all that happens is that Bernice is shamed out of town. That's all.

As she should be. As she should. De-wig all these bitches. Get out of town with your mom here, Bernice. We don't need you here. Okay, so they're getting ready for this music video party and todd is going around on his hoverboard and he brings up his check or whatever um todd started wearing

a quilted northern shirt i don't know how to explain it it, but I was like, Todd, God bless you. You're tiny. You're too loud. You wear platform shoes. You're on a hoverboard. And now you're dressed in toilet paper. Literal quilted northern, darling. Wipe your ass with a little midge. Todd, have some self-respect.

If you don't respect you, how can I respect you? If my ass is dirty and I see a piece of toilet paper, I'm going to wipe my ass with it, Todd. Don't cry when I wipe my ass with you. Well, at least it's not Charmin, okay? Because I saw the new Charmin commercial with the little bears. And it was a bunch of, like, millennial Charmin bears. And they were, like, playing video games. Upper board bears.

Yeah. And one of them says like they are talking about toilet paper of course and one of them says the other one like yeah you could use this one skids i was like ew do not even nickname your little millennial bear friend skids that is disgusting i can't believe this is a commercial right now. Girl, bears are dirty. Yeah. And it always struck me as funny that this fucking toilet paper commercial puts bears on it. Like, bears, get out of my dirty ass.

Why is it that if you're fat and hairy and bald, you have to be some bear trying to get in everybody's dirty ass? Hey, everybody everybody calm down bears i ain't using that toilet paper i'll stick with my quilted northern get over here todd tucker my favorite toilet paper commercial was uh there's it was like from three years ago and it was this woman and she's like these days everything is so fast and they show her whole family moving like super fast like in fact like they fast forward the family, like eating their toast quickly and getting ready for school and everything.

Like, God, life is so fast. Like, it's nice to have something that's slow. And they like, she pulls up this giant thing, roll of toilet paper. And she's like, ah, this, thankfully, this toilet paper rolls out really slowly. I'm like, how are you even going to equate this to like having a moment for yourself?

Your toilet paper coming off really slowly. I was like, get out of here with your slow toilet paper. I want my toilet paper fast. What am I here to slowly massage your cornhole, lady? Get a bidet. I know. Exactly. Is your life so sad that you're like, well, my whole family just moves on without me,

but at least i have my toilet paper to keep me calm no kidding your kids may hate you and ignore you all the time your husband may not even know your name but at least you can massage your asshole really slowly with this piece of paper what i was like this is that's such a tenuous connection wrong it's like these days the terrorists are coming butuous connection. To toilet paper. It's like, these days, the terrorists are coming. But at least I have toilet paper. At least when they blow up my house, I'll be massaging my cornhole gently with this lovely toilet paper. Very slowly.

Remember when times were simpler? Like this toilet roll? That's what I'm going to use. Anyway. So, I'm sorry. We cannot get through this. We are not. This going to use. Anyway. So I'm sorry. We cannot get through this. We have. We are not.

This is my fault. It is 100% my fault this time. But you know what the good part is? What? We talked about massaging corn holes. But it was Portia's butt that inspired this. Okay, ham slapping. Blame Portia.

So the good news is we're at the party. And that's the finale. Now we're at the party. Now we're at the party. It's always the big finale. The Phantom has come out of the flies. And he's ready to take off his mask and sing dramatically to Christine, who ended up

dumping Andrew Lloyd Webber after he made her star. The Phantom of the video premiere party they're always carlotta singing like a fraud like no one can ever sing okay sorry musical break so we get to the party my favorite part was the one when kim showed up and cynthia bailey comes over to say hi and she's like oh i have some shades for you and kim's like what what did i do what did i do i didn't shave what did i do she's like no act like literal shades she's like yeah she's like oh i have some shades for you and kim's like what what did i do what did i do i didn't shade what did i do she's like no act like literal shades she's like yeah she's like i got these from

the gas station they're literally glasses these are our special edition we sell them only at 7-elevens and the sistine chapel dude he's like i can't those. What if they're too dark and I can't see during carpool and I run over the crosswalk person? I know her. That's Nancy. I love her. I want to be her friend. I hope I can play bingo with her. Call me. So then, of course,

you know, Kenya is so shady to Kim these days. She's like, Kim looks like a confused prostitute at Disney World. Well, wouldn't any of them be? And also, Kenya comes into every party waving at people that aren't there. Have you noticed that?

She waved at the PAs that were standing at the door. She was like, hi! Hi! You know that little sound it's like ding ding when you come in a store she's like hi ding ding

ding ding does not know you she thinks that's like her song it's so funny how every time I go into a store someone always plays my song ding ding ding ding Funny how every time I go into a store, someone always plays my song. Ding, ding. Ding, ding. Ding, ding.

I love ding, ding. That's my jam. Ding, ding. She's like, oh, this is my jam. I love how it's always on. Candy's like, you owe me $80,000. So meanwhile, so Kim feels her bitch flower is blooming like crazy because in the subsequent few minutes while they're all waiting for the premiere to start,

the video premiere, Kim just keeps on getting all these passive-aggressive digs in. So for instance, Kenya is just, like, joking and she's talking about how she's nicknamed her house More Manor, and Kim's like, we just call ours Kim and Chris's. It's like, ooh. It just had a little

nastiness to it. We're just humble people. And then when Phaedra asks about Candy, like, where's Candy? And Kim's like, we're not enough. And, like, I know people can say that as a joke, but Kim was saying it in a passive-aggressive way. I was like, ooh, that flower is blooming. No, Kim, you're not enough, okay?

You're in, like, Spice Girls short shorts. And Nancy McKeon, is that her name? Yeah. Nancy McKeon's boots from, episode three of Facts of Life. And your husband's still in dad dockers. Please shut up. No, you're not enough. Okay.

Yeah. You are not enough. Age is enough. You, ma'am, are not. Yes. You are less than eight. So then we see the video premiere. And then, oh, so at one point, so Phaedra goes up to Todd at one point.

And is like, Todd, you know, would you have a moment? Do you mind coming to my office this week? And we can discuss things. He's like, sure. And it was actually like, And we can discuss things. He's like, sure. And it was actually like, it was like, fine. It was like, fine. And I mean, I guess like if you owe somebody, that's like me calling Capital One and being like Capital One,

please come to my home. Yeah. But it was progress. And put me in the waiting room for 20 minutes while I pretend I'm busy. No, Capital One, Roger from capital one is not gonna do that but i was like okay and also phedra was wearing like a hat and that made it all very serious but well the thing that was funny was that phedra was acting like she's like todd's hiding behind candy so i thought i'd be the bigger woman and talk to him i'm like no he wasn't hiding he just didn't

have his hoverboard so you couldn't see him but like you're not being the bigger woman like i didn't mind that she said like come to my office but i did mind that she was acting as if he was hiding from her no he's probably just exhausted of and trying to avoid like trying to get this money out of you but anyway literally doing circles around candy but she's just pregnant no one can see but he is hiding behind candy he's spreading all the shade and nastiness without saying anything to phedra when he could have just sent her like a letter yeah i mean who knows what he has done what he hasn't done i agree i think he is i do think he actually is hiding a little bit behind Candy for sure.

So then Phaedra and Portia go outside. This is after the video's premiered. They go outside, and they're talking about the situation. And Portia's like, oh, I didn't know that it was the coins that got in the way of you and Candy. And so Don Juan's out there, and he listening in looking like looking even more like tom cat from tom and jerry like super i mean i was i actually looked up some pictures of tom cat and they look exactly the same he is exactly tom from tom and jerry and he's got those eyes of that cat that hangs on the wall in all those 80s movies like that cat clock that like feels back and forth every second he was shifty eyed sweating shirt

open back sweat pacing so so phadra and porsche your water girl drink that water because you're you're gonna get meth face yeah so so phadra and porsche are talking about todd you know they're being like a they're they're being a little shady, but not compared to what these women are normally like. It was pretty benign. So then Don Juan comes up, and he's like, oh, I hear you're talking about my people, so I thought I'd interrupt. And he just starts going off. He's like, well, you said this. And the women are actually being pretty calm.

And Portia's like, no, no, we weren't being shady at all. We were just talking about it. And he's like, why are you so extra? Why are you so extra with it? And she's like, what? She's like, I'm not being extra. He's like, oh, look right there. Right there, you're being extra.

You're being abrasive right now. She's like, what? No. Yeah, she says, why are you being abrasive? And he goes, you're being abrasive. Okay, when you start acting like my niece i'm out like poop on yourself like what are you gonna do next like shut up that's not an argument and it's like nothing to do with you don juan like just shut up and he was totally hyped up for sure and then he

starts yelling at portions like go get the men that left you go get the men that left you like what does that mean oh my god i mean I know what it means, but why? Yeah, go chase that man that left you. Go on. Go chase him because they wouldn't fight with him. And he started combusting. It was so funny. And Phaedra goes, I have children, and I have important things to worry about.

I'd love to suck on some chocolate right now, so I'm going to be leaving this party. And he's like, oh, really? You're leaving, so that means I'm right? Because you can't say anything because you're leaving. Now you're walking away because I'm right. Because I'm right. That's right. You're walking away.

Walk away. He's like, oh, my God. Poor thing. And Portia is like the queen of the one-liners. She's just saying, I i had i wish i had a bucket of water to throw on his thirsty ass yeah she's like ma'am she goes come on just go home and change your time pound tampon sorry i messed up her line but that's what you just go home and change your tampon i was like cracking up i love you know i love it because he gets so fussy, and just no one ever engages with him. Just like, be quiet.

Well, as Phaedra said, I don't engage with my friend's help. And you know what? At the end of the day, it's so funny that Atlanta taught New York a lesson. No one on New York got it. But Phaedra just laid it out for you, so I hope you bitches are watching. And I think that maybe some Beverly Hills could use some of that. Chef Bernie! Chef Bernie!

No, Bernie's gone. Where the hell's Bernie? I mean, I saw Adrian at a diner, darling. A diner! Bernie's gone, darling. Well, so is this episode That was it for Atlanta

See ya, fuckers Let's take a pee break, shall we? Because I gotta pee Oh my god, I'd love to touch my pain Okay, we're back I'm eating chocolate chips I'm eating coffee candy And smoking this weird vape thing

That blows huge foamy things And then I have a lollipop for later lollipop for later i love that musical oh my god it's 2 30 a.m in texas so fun this is the best way to be spending tonight thank god i got some weed on the plane. Suckers! All right, I just finished my chocolate chips. So you won't have to hear my saliva eating in your ears, everyone. Oh, you're going to have to hear everything over here because I can't move. I'm, like, propped up on a pillow. Oh, I didn't bring a mic stand, so I have to, like, keep hovering over this weird mic thing.

I'm going to be sucking in your face, y'all. I can't hide this shit. Nah. Well, let's move on to Vanderpump Rules. this weird mic thing. I'm going to be sucking in your face, y'all. I can't hide this shit now. Well, let's move on to Vanderpump Rules. So the episode begins in Vegas

where we left off, sort of. It's the next morning. It's 11 a.m. Guys are waking up. And the big news is that the Toms got their butts tattooed. Schwartz got Bubba tattooed on his ass in tattoo script, you know, cursive. You know, that was like an homage to Katie. It's so like just getting back from jail, you know, where I'm from.

Bubba on your ass. Oh, my God. You know that guy poops and doesn't even feel it yeah that that's uh as everyone as several people mentioned on the show bubba on your ass is not gonna do not gonna be great for you in jail but um yeah but it's probably kind of what he was going for i mean if anything that guy's like a bottom and waiting yeah he basically and then tom he got in honor of ariana he got an a on his ass but it's like a flaming a so it almost looks like a weird ode to the oakland athletics but but it's not and it's like then as other people mentioned

it sort of looks like an a made of bacon and it's just it looks weird it doesn't look like a tribute to anything it's just a strange tattoo it's a hairy a and it's also hilarious because it's like a hairy a on a man and you know the scarlet a is what the woman had to wear after she had been dubbed to have an affair yes and um she was she was the previous kind of how he met Ariana in the first place. So Ariana has probably read some books and is not amused with this flaming hairy A. Yeah. But to be fair, she's not amused with anything. That's true. She's like, I can't believe it.

I just, you know, I can't believe you went to Vegas and got an A on your butt when you should know that I always like the letter B. But you got an A instead. I don't understand that. That's totally her. And that's how you know that that's your wife. Yeah. She's like, you're an idiot. Then you're like, oh, you're going to be a great mother.

And then you marry her and knock her out. Yeah. So speaking of Ariana, her big thing is that she's getting ready for one of those journal reading shows. I think the big famous one is something called like, I forget what it's called. Is it called like Embarrassing or Shameless or humiliated or i don't know there's this it's really a very famous show that's in brooklyn and la where people get up on stage and read out of their journals this is not that this is like the the wannabe version of that and so ariana's all excited um and she tells us she's like you know i've done shorts for websites that have millions and millions of views

so like this is really up her alley and she's not a comedian but i'm an actress who's funny and understands comedy she says the most serious i'm not a comic humorless i'm an actress who can be funny you know what i haven't seen either of any of that yeah please stop describing yourself in that way and don't read things and also you don't have a journal and that was not from your journal you're a liar shut up what is the show 1 p.m like when did they go to the show it was day i know it was when they got there and it was daylight out when they left and then sheena said i gotta be back at sir and that's like 4 p.m a waitership start yeah no it was clearly a show that was put on for vanderpump rules like that was a brunch show yeah that was that was a huge

amount of bullshit and that was at our studio you noticed that right i did we recorded our episode with heather mcdonald upstairs yeah that's our crappins little studio that we've only been to once so okay you guys want to come back and do it again we're like sure call you later no i'm in my underwear in my house smoking a joint i'm going to your place i i want to go back i liked it the ad guy's cute though well you know we only work with cute people. There's like five guys that are named the same thing, and they're all cute. It's weird.

So, yeah, no, it was just funny. I feel like Ariana's really only said one really funny thing ever on Vanderpump Rules, and it was that line from season two where she's like, I'm smarter than her. I'm smarter. I'm sexier. Whatever. Deal with it. Whatever it was she said she had a funny

remember that they started Ariana off like her first couple of testimonials or whatever on the show she was like the bitchy gorgeous new girl who's coming to the costume yeah and then she immediately got switched

into this weird victim role because Kristen was so crazy but now we're starting immediately got switched into this weird victim role because Kristen was so crazy. But now we're starting to see the original character. Well, yeah, now they're showing her as kind of like, she's not even like a bitch. She's just kind of like a killjoy now. And a killjoy with these really kind of annoying twee tendencies.

Like, I'm going to have a bouncy castle. And I'm going to have fruit roll-ups and stuff like that. But to be fair... She's so bossy with the guy. It's like he went from one torturous hag to another. Like, this one looks better in her uniform. But they're still both crazy. But to be fair, we're also completely just following the edit that they're giving us

because even before this season began, I think I mentioned this on the show, right? That I had, remember I had coffee with Malz and she's friends with all of them and she's like, oh yeah, Ariana says they're giving her a terrible edit this season. So we're just basically getting the terrible edit. But you know, I'm fine with that i love rolling with the edit they they make someone look like a bitch i'm like yeah she's a bitch i love that and then next season like yeah i love her yeah well what this what she's saying isn't really wrong like the christian stuff like no her judgment of christian is spot on it's just that

they're trying to give christian a good edit because she's still on the show. So, like, you can not like her all you want, but she's still a cast member. So they have to intercut this shit with you saying it. Yeah. I mean, I think she seems nice in real life. I've only met her a couple times, but she seems, like, nice and chill. She doesn't seem weird like this, but you never know what goes on in a relationship. That's when the real crazy comes out when you're with somebody and you're like, why did you look at her like that?

Give me your money from Vegas. Give it to me. Whoa, where'd this bitch come from? Meanwhile, out on the floor at the restaurant, probably the highlight of the episode, Sheena going, the fish of the night is pan-roasted Chilean sea bass. I know. I was like, this bitch is

torturing us. Jesus Christ, it's Christmas. Do know. I was like, this bitch is torturing us. Jesus Christ. It's Christmas. Do we have to go there, Sheena? Why did we start talking about sea bass last time anyway? Because of this fucking show. They mentioned, Lisa's like, what do we have on the menu? And they're like, tuna tartare and Chilean sea, or Chilean.

You know, don't fucking show. Chilean sea bass. And I was like, that's irresponsible. And you were like, why? And then we Googled it. Tuna tartar and chelancy or chilean. You know, don't fucking show. Chelancy bass. And I was like, that's irresponsible. And you were like, why? And then we Googled it. And then we argued. And then I read too much.

And then you read too little. And then it was like, oh, my God. And then at the end, we were like, I love you still. And then I was like, I do, too. But then when she said this, I was like, oh, my God, let it die. It's like fucking Christmas. Nothing ever dies. let's talk about shit from the fifth grade okay bring that up to sheena mention how you had to lock the doors and i stole all my sister's girl scout cookies and ate them and then put the boxes back and pretend

that they were full and then everyone felt tricked when they got their empty boxes of girl scouts that make any sense to you no No, but I was just going. I enjoyed it, though. I was going along with it. I did that to my poor sister. She tried to deliver Girl Scout cookies, but all the boxes were empty. Because when the crates were delivered, I would open them and steal all the cookies out. But then put the boxes back like they had never been opened.

God bless her that is impressive i mean it's like you didn't even realize that crate was lighter sucker yeah sister such a trusting person well anyway uh so then the guys everyone like the guys like racing back to sir from vegas and they get there like five minutes late and lisa's standing at the door and lisa Lisa Vanderpump is like so sitcom-y in the scene. She's like, oh, get in there, get in there. Like, hey Lisa, like, let's look at the

look at the tattoo. She's like, oh, I don't want to see that. And they're like, love you, Lisa. And they kiss her on the cheek and everything as they go in one at a time. And she's like, oh, just, oh, enough. Just just get in, get in. Oh, I don't know why I put up with you boys. I'm like, I was expecting like the electric, like the electric piano score to kick in. And like a saxophone.

Be like. And then transition to a scene with like Mr. Belvedere. It was, you know, it was like such a sitcom mom in that scene. She is. She's like. You got her tattooed. You got her name tattooed on your ass. Well, you've had her on your tail for a long time, young man.

Yeah, exactly. Like, you're expecting, like, a laugh shot. Be like, I don't know what I'll do with you boys. So good. Yeah. I love that they've inserted her into this show. They're like, okay, you have to show up and just yell at somebody randomly. And, you know, she walks around for 12 hours on that shooting day like, listen here, bus boy, you may pour water, but I've got a glass that needs half filling.

You know, like just random things that don't make sense but are said in that weird tone of hers. It is kind of, if you think about it, it's kind of a hilarious genius conceit that lisa vanderpump lisa i just called elisa lisa vanderpump is injected throughout this show because the show is essentially you know the hills like next stage of the hills right it even has like some of the same producers you know sort of the same look except it has whatever but it follows like if we were to keep on watching what happened to people on the hills it would basically be this show but but like someone's like let's take the hills and throw in a woman who's in her 50s commenting every now and then if you really think about that who you know is never there in real life yeah it's, you can lead a horse face to water, but you can't make it pay for its drinks itself.

You know what I mean, darling? No. They're like, next scene, it's about herpes and, you know, date rape. What the hell? It's like herpes and impregnated with someone in Vegas and partying and getting drunk and cheating and sex and sex and sex and cheating and two girlfriends, whatever. And then this lady

in her fifties whose brain has something to say about it. And then going back to... Oh, I love this show so much. I'd give you a spanking, but I think you might like it, young man. Now get back to work, darling.

Alright, and it's like puttering off very slowly down the street with Ken in that weird pink antique car. So anyway, so now Jax, Brittany, his Kentucky girlfriend, is moving to L.A. And Jax says, I feel like she's my girlfriend. I really don't see any other way out of this one. Well, that's really romantic, Jax says, I feel like she's my girlfriend. I really don't see any other way out of this one. I'm like, well, that's really romantic, Jax. Like Pac-Man trapped in a corner. It's like, are you going to get killed by Blinky?

Are you going to get killed by Pink? Well, I guess I'll get another life tomorrow. Guess what? One day you're not going to get another life. One day a Britney or a Suzy or a Paula is going to stab you in the throat, motherfucker. Jax really is Pac-Man because he really just goes around

eating little pellets of who knows what until he gets to a cherry. Little pellets of who knows what until he gets to a cherry. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others.

Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. And then after you meet somebody and has a baby, nobody knows what to do, so it just ends after like 10 bananas.

And once he gets to like one of those, basically, then he gets like his drug stash in the corner. And once he does that, then he just goes after all the ladies all at once. And they all just run away. They're all running away. away and he's like and they just turn into eyeballs and their eyeballs are like what did i do what is i have lost my soul but then they're like but then they're like

oh wait no he's my boyfriend and they get the power again and he runs then then they go after him and he's running away he's like no no no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me find something better. He does a little coke. They all look exactly the same. Yes. They're all flashing. He's going down really fast. And then the coke wears off. And then he's going really slowly until they all attack him and murder him.

Yeah, and he's like, he's just trying to get out. Getting away from him until he can find his next cherry. Gobble up. And every version of his game, they just make his face bigger and bigger and more nonsensical. Why is his eye moving like that?

What version of the game is this? Jesus Christ. What happened to just a chomping circle? Pac-Man has eyes. Get the fuck out of here. I was in an arcade all day with my nieceping circle? Pac-Man has eyes. Get the fuck out of here. I was in an arcade all day with my niece. Pac-Man always had little eyes.

I played four versions of Pac-Man. I was horrified. The last version was this gigantic screen. It was like seven feet tall. And you play it. You put a dollar in there. And then you press a button. And the Pac-Man does something. And it beeps and then you press a button and the pac-man does

something and it beeps and screams at you a lot gives you no tickets and sends you on your way and that pac-man looked crazy in the face i was like what have they done to pac-man over the years i also want to say that the pac-man board is actually an accurate blueprint of what sir restaurant looks like on the inside just a lot of like hallways that you can't figure out where you're going but you like come around a corner and there's like a ghost no we've turned the moroccan door to the left now who tricked you pac-man you cannot get a shortcut from the alley to the front door it no longer works you actually if you're

in Sir, and you walk through a door on the left side of the restaurant, you magically appear in the purple lounge on the right side. You just go from one side to the other, just like that. You finally get to the end of Pac-Man, and Lisa Vanderpump is throwing the most

fattening fruit ever made by God at you over and over. It's like, here's a banana, fatty. Here's another one, fatty. Oh, Jesus. Let this game end already. Lisa walks into search. Oh, look at all these pellets everywhere.

Someone come clean these up. Pellets and cherries all over the place. And little balls of cocaine in the corners. Someone come on, clean this up. All right, Pandy, get over here. Those ghosts wouldn't be so upset if people knew how to muddle. All right.

Pac-Man. Staff, yes, Mrs. Pac-Man. She's from Pump. Here's to you how to properly muddle. Miss Pac-Man from Pump is here to show you proper ways to distribute pellets around the restaurant. proper ways to distribute pellets around the restaurant. And Faith is like, I would really love

to try those pellets one day if you could have it in your heart to give me a sample. Oh, Faith, stop it! We've already given you all of the furniture from the old lobby, darling. My favorite Faith moment of the episode was there was one moment where she was just like she picked up two glasses off a table and they had a chyron underneath that said like it said faith, you know, sir, server.

And it was almost if she was going to say something or do something. And they just cut away. It was just like they just gave her a chyron and were like, yeah, that's enough out of her. Yeah. They're like, look, diversity. of her yeah they're like look diversity she's polishing glasses cut yeah that's literally what happened so anyway so um so the news is that tom and jax want to do a joint birthday and jack's good idea and who does a birthday party with someone who fucked your other girlfriend exactly weird exactly and jax wants kristen to

join also not a good idea so this is gonna lead to trouble and jax is like but don't tell anyone so we know this is gonna lead to trouble that's all that there is to say about that until later in the episode but the seat is planted and everyone's like yeah seems like a great idea i think so kristen's been acting really cool these days yeah kristen's cool yeah yeah yeah yeah kristen's totally redeemable doesn't work here anymore and still comes in through the smoking alley totally normal totally normal let's just all pretend that this is totally totally normal and jack's is like yeah me and kristen are cool why wouldn't we be uh so then let's watch this show right y'all have dvrs yeah so then came on her face on a

futon in tom's house what do you mean you don't know why it would be weird yeah speaking of weird then tom comes in with uh to have dinner with his mom and shay and ariana it was sort of weird that shay was there and it was also funny that they're having dinner at Sir, but of course, you know, a free meal. So we meet Tom's mom. And the first thing that I was surprised about is that she has a crazy smoker's voice. Like, crazy, crazy smoker's voice. Yeah, she's like, bad news, mom. Hey, Tom. Bad news.

Bad news, Tom. Bad news, Tom. Damn. I couldn't save it. But she's a firefighter also. That was the other surprising news. Well, that's why. I mean, you can't make fun of her voice. She's like, I don't save it. But she's a firefighter also. That was the other surprising news. Well, that's why. I mean, you can't make fun of her voice.

She's like, I don't know, like, stop, you know, forest fires and things. You know, Smokey the Bear owes her. Do you know how many bears are still trying to get to Midget Asses? It's like a Todd Real Housewives of Atlanta callback. Can't make it happen. Carry on everybody So anyway so we met her and she seems really cool And uh

I love how every time that Tom like Said something disappointing she'd be like Thomas I'm giving her a British accent now Because he put Rainier in my head Yo let's just do her as that lady Bad news mom my son got a tattoo on his ass Okay so They're all eating in the restaurant, and Lisa's like,

You're Tom's mother. Why, you look like the brawny man. She's like, Yes, Mum. Well, I love paper towels. And also firefighting. And Lisa's like, Really, darling?

She's like, Well, you know, Mum, when everything in life's going so fast, I like to she's like, she's like, well, you know, mom, when everything in life is going so fast, I like to have something that goes a little slow, like paper towels. Putting out a fire is like massaging your cold hole very slowly. Um,

yeah, so Lisa's like, darling, I don't know if anybody's told you, but you're a hero. Did I ever tell you that you're someone's hero? I mean, not mine, darling. But I mean, it shows me. Somewhere, somewhere had a fire one time that you put out. I mean, how did you raise such a pussy? It looks like a little lost Native American girl. It shaves his forehead, plucks

his eyebrows, and waxes his cornhole, darling. How did you raise this loser, hero? She's like, right, that's my man. That's my boy, man. She's like, you know, I put out a lot of fires, but you literally put out fires. Cut to the saxophone music

and transition to the next scene. Ding-a-ling-a-na-na-na. Someone out there, compose us some like 80s transition music, please. And then Tom is just as flattered. Well, the mom tells stories. She's saying, one time

Tom was in the talent contest. Mom, there were 27 entrants. Tom was the the talent contest. Mom, there were 27 entrants. Tom was the only boy. It was an all-girls school, Mom. All the girls cheered and cheered. Whoa, fascinating story. And then they cut to a picture of me as the only boy in tap class at the dance factory in el paso texas like the center man

rolling glitter outfit of course people are laughing at you darling you're a fat child glitter outfits and tap shoes well tom hugs tom hugs um the funny thing about doing this british accent though is that she actually has a really really thick midwest chicago accent the entire she was basically like that bears yeah oh yeah time time would you know he you know he loved a talent contest oh yeah tom i don't know i know i turned i turned her irish i'm just not gonna even let's just keep her british but i just felt like it had to be noted that she had a crazy good life. We're going through the spice rack of things.

I know. Yeah, Tom never knew, you know. I mean, look at Tom. I always thought, oh, he's such a man. But then at the end of the day, he's doing the tap dance that wins. So what's he going to do? It's a great story, Mom. And then his story is just as flattering.

He's like, yeah, my mom, like, she was a badass. She was a firefighter. Like, one time, me and my brother were in the bathroom. And we were like, wow, let's make a Lego toy. And she thought she heard a fire starting. So it sounded like Jurassic Park. It was like boom boom and then my mom kicked down the door and her flip-flops

she's like yeah that happened what a life i was dying it made me like tom so much i know i know it was actually a really likable moment and and his mom is really cool so um then um we went to a bar and where kristen and jacks were going out because now that kristen's dating jacks is gonna be like her wingman seriously seriously so jacks is getting out you know one thing I've really realized Jack's like like I don't even be a crazy bitch anymore you know cuz like I'm looking cool he's like yeah I caught something just meet you you've both been caught yeah they or in darling Neosporin and band-aids yeah yeah when Kristen patters up on the back for saying

that she's not a crazy bitch anymore but now she's i'm fucking cool seriously seriously and then jacks is giving her advice on dating i was like this is such a recipe for disaster please go on please please continue doing this so um especially when jacks is like yeah you don't want to date like guys in their 20s because they don't know what they're doing. Yeah. Really, Jax? You have a Jack Lantern face. You have your own cum on your forehead and you don't know English.

Please stop talking. How's your chunky sweater line going and how's your fitness app? You know, he still hasn't gotten that thing dry cleaned. It's like four years later yeah so um blood of sheena's toe on the corner i can't believe that's what happened so um then so then so then kristin starts like talking to guys at the bar and first of all i'm cracking up because it was so la like this one Like, this one guy's like, I mean, technically I'm more of a model than an actor. I was like, oh, my God.

So L.A. But, of course, it's so up her alley because let's not forget, like, it was Kristen and Katie who were like, we're models. We're models. Like, sorry. Sorry if you don't like us because we're hot. We model for the Penny Saver. Yeah.

And in fact, Jax even, at this point, they talked, Kristen actually talks to like a few guys. And they're all like really good looking. And then Jax says to Kristen, they're like, ugh. And then Jax is like, we're honestly the best looking motherfuckers here. It's like, Jax. Jax, no. I'm sorry. Like, the torch looking motherfuckers here. It's like, Jax. Jax, no. I'm sorry. The torch has been passed.

Girl, that torch has been stomped on, run over, splattered with like a rain shower, pissed upon, started on fire, and put in a hole and covered over, Jax. It's gone, okay? Yeah, the Olympics are officially over. The torch is out. It's time to just, like, read a book, learn something. I don't know. Find something to talk about

because that face is done. You're on, like, your fifth. How many Pac-Mans do you get? Yeah. Seriously, dude. Do, do, do. Enough already. And poor Kristen.

She, like, she's just so desperate. She is importantly, literally she like she's just so desperate she is importantly i literally but she's like she decided that she wants someone who's taller than her who's age appropriate and and so as a result she sees a guy with a beard and it's like how old are you and he's like he's like girl i am 23 and she's like okay and then she starts making out with him i'm like you know he's a gay man he's a gay man yeah she's like yeah i love i love your lip smackers they taste so good yeah that guy was like shaving a face line on that guy was a queen he was some you know he's some pa bravo yeah yeah exactly but she makes out with him anyway i I was like, oh. But that's so L.A. too, to be like, I'm 33. I'm a t-shirt magnate.

Shut up. I have a t-shirt line. Yeah. So speaking of young people making out. I'm sorry, because you're trying to move this along, and rightly so. But, man, I don't understand what's happening with short people. Short people get no respect. In both these shows, Kenya was like, I need a man who's 6'4", looks like Matthew McConaughey.

I was like, okay, you're already done. And now on this show, she's like, I need a man who's at least 6'1". You know what, you guys? Short people are hot. They work. They read. I mean, they're just normal people. What is wrong with short people?

Why does everybody hate short guys? Yeah, I don't know. You know, I, like, back in my, when I was dating, I actually didn't mind if someone was shorter than me. I always liked someone who was taller. I preferred taller. But height was actually never, it was never a deal breaker for me. taller but but height was actually never uh it was never a deal breaker for me i love a man who's shorter than me because if you still like me when you can look at me from below like up you see my double chin my whore up my nose my boogers like nothing looks good from below like when i take a

selfie it's from above you know right so if somebody is attracted to me like from the booger standpoint i'm totally and i could fuck them for like a million years you know i'll feel secure i know that sounds condescending yeah but it's true well i i one thing though is if someone was shorter than me they had to have like some like very strong physical feature, like a really good body or a really good face or, you know, anything else. So, uh,

that's, that, that was the thing. And I feel like if someone's taller than, and I was like a little bit more forgiving, but like, I always, I always felt like in terms of,

yeah, you know, I actually once went on a, I don't know. Was it a date or was it a hookup? I don't remember, but someone was like five, four really short and I was fine with it.

I didn't mind. Yeah. Look at me. Look at me being open so weird that like people have these lists and that's one of them i mean i hear it a lot with baldness like i need a man with hair and i'm like okay whatever please don't even bother with me because if hair is what you're worried about like i've got way more than that but i've got that sometimes. But just the short thing, I don't get. Yeah. Okay.

Well, I mean. Short guys had a bad time. You know what though? Yeah, but you know, everyone is attracted to different things. And the truth is that so many girls are so short as it is. So it usually works out. Well, there you go. There you go.

So speaking of people making out and stuff, then we have Lawler and James. So back at the restaurant, and Lawler and James are kissing and making out, right there in the middle of the restaurant. And now I guess they're back together because he groveled to her and got her drunk and kissing. And then Lawler has this like... Hey, babe, how you doing, babe?

Yeah, babe, yeah. What about that last night, babe? Yeah, remember that fried calamari? Yeah, like a ring around the dick. You like this, honey? You like this, honey? You like this kissing right now, honey? I'd like to do with you like I did to that calamari

and order an extra side of sauce, babe. Yeah, babe, yeah. And Lala has this sort of like annoying way like to do with you like i did to that calamari and order an extra side of sauce babe yeah babe lala lala has this sort of like annoying way of talking almost like she's a diner waitress she's like yeah i had a lot of fun with you babe yeah babe yeah good time babe like you want some uh want some fries that babe okay that's such a good way of saying Saudi whore. Because that's how I think of it. I'm like, this girl is ready to get pissed on, punched, stapled, made out with, or married. Like, she doesn't even know what's going to happen. She's just like, all right, here's my price list.

Do what you got to do. If you ain't going to pay me, here's my card. Give it to your friends. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just saying it's funny to compare to a waitress because to me it's like you know like saudi whore like giving a menu of the shit she'll do and saying everything in the same tone like yeah you can punch me piss on me make out with me marry me like she doesn't even know it's coming you know she's ready for anything

and she's ready to make a deal yeah oh she oh, she certainly is. And we'll get back to that later on in this episode. Tricky Lawler! Be nice to Lawler's menu. So then Kristen comes to Sir and she's like, for no reason. She's like, what are you doing here?

She's like, I was just in the area and I thought, why not drop by? Oh yeah, you just happened to be in the area. Yeah, of course. You, like, are circling the area at all times you know I'm a t-shirt artist I was being a freaking in the dumpsters outside and I happened to hear that you guys were opening and setting up and I was like what a coincidence so I came out of the dumpster I got a seven up on all year so she and Katie like hang out like in the back alley katie's like yeah all my animosity it's kind of just dissolved away i was like well no shit sherlock katie you always like you gravitate to someone new like every three months so it's like you and sheena

so um because she needs somebody new to talk about her stupid terrible relationship with that isn't sick of her oh god she like, that was five haircuts ago, so I'm totally over it. She totally forgot all the Tom stories. I have to say, Katie and Tom are the low point of this show, because Katie isn't being a crazy, hysterical

drama queen anymore, and Tom, honestly, I actually get really bored. Whenever the camera's on Tom, it's always kind of like this, like, he's just so cute and so adorable. Like, he's got, you know, messy hair and boopy boopy. And I get a dad bod. I'm like, it's not doing anything for me. Like, I need Katie and Tom to step up.

Yeah, he kind of missed his expiration date, you know know like his milk is sour like a couple of years ago it's cute when you're really fresh and like 20 years old looking and you're like i can't commit to things and stuff like that you're like oh that's so cute but now it's just kind of like you're a loser and now you're fat and you're a modeling shoot yeah it's like you know know, when Jax is on screen, it's funny because he always says something delusional or he lies or he's just ridiculous. And when Tom Sandoval's on, it's funny because he says something either overly sensitive or he has these narcissistic moments. But when Tom Schwartz is on, he's just sort of like does nothing, you know? Like, I don't get it. I'm just a boy.

Yeah, it's like it's not. I'm a young boy. It doesn't do anything for me. You know, he needs to get back to the days of pouring water on Katie, which he hasn't done this season yet. Like, I like it when he pours drinks on girls. That's very funny to me. But he doesn't do that anymore. You can get a job or you can be abusive so take your pick tom yeah so anyway chris kristen's telling katie that she wants to apologize to ariana because she wants to mend the

broken bridges i love that kristen is so stupid that she doesn't even burn bridges. She breaks them. They can totally fix all the bridges. I want to unburn the fences and mend the bridges. She's like, I'm going to water your house down. Like, no, bitch. You set it on fire. Who taught you how to get revenge, darling?

No one is suffering who's ever wronged you, darling. Seriously? I'm gonna go to London and mend the bridge there. Because it fell down. Seriously? Seriously. All right, staff of sir. We've brought in Eric from Pump to teach you how to burn down a bridge properly, darling.

All right, Eric, go ahead and start Brandy on fire. Just do it. Let's see what a bridge looks like. So at this point, Ariana is kind of set up for failure. This is like the moment when it's they they're like okay we have decided we're really going to give you the bad edit because we're putting you in an impossible situation which is we're sending kristin in to apologize to you and you can either accept it which would go against probably everything in your soul or you

can go against it which would then make you look like the you know the heartless bitch and so kristen goes in to ariana and she's like i just want to say like you know i was really immature and i i'm like really sorry and um i'm not trying to be your friend and ariana's like no my friends are very intelligent funny wonderful, wonderful people, and I've never seen you beat any of those things. Did you hear Kristen go, I'm funny? Like Ariana was telling her off. She's like, because Kristen was really tap dancing. And here's where I disagree that she, I don't think she's getting a bad edit.

She's literally doing those things. That's true. You're right. I think that like her opinion is totally on point like she's right what she's saying about kristin the thing is she's being manipulated and she's saying i won't be manipulated but then she gets manipulated by looking stupid you know yeah because of course kristin's like hey you know like i was kind of mean to you and ariana's like yeah like how you said you wanted me to get hit by a train or a bus or a plane or an automobile i just saw that movie with that fat guy like what it really meant was like like i mean like i'm sorry she's like really that you said you wanted me to be childless forever? You wanted my throat to get cancer and you wanted my vagina to turn into a raisin?

She's like, yeah, but like, you know, like, let's hug. She's like, really? Hug me? Like you wanted to hug me to death? It's like Ariana. The problem with Ariana is that she actually sunk to Kristen's level. And in previous seasons, she would have just sat there and just like nodded and be like, okay, thanks. You know, and then bitched about it afterwards.

But in this case, she sunk down and to the point where she was like, whatever you do in life, whether you're frolicking in a meadow or taking a shit in the street,

stay the fuck away from me. Hey, it's the actress who loves comedy. Actress who loves comedy. Yeah, it's the actress who loves comedy. Actress who loves comedy. Yeah, that's definitely one of those times. She should have been smart enough to see a manipulator and say, Oh, Kristen, I understand. I'm sorry that there were any hard feelings.

I'm so glad that we can finally be friends. And then watch that bitch. You know? I mean, come on. Do I have to teach you people everything, Ariana? I'm so glad that we can finally be friends. And then watch that bitch. Mm-hmm. You know? I mean, come on. Do I have to teach you people everything, Ariana? I mean, they're young, but they're not that young. I mean, they're 30 at least, right?

Yeah. Yeah, I think they're like 30. So then Schwartzy, am I right? Will you go to Tom Schwartz's modeling gig? Please let's. I don't know where we are. So we go to Tom Schwartz's modeling gig where he

What was that? What was that modeling gig for? It was funny. Not to body shame him but as a model he was definitely out of shape but you know he's he's he's got some sort of celebrity so of course this fledgling brand is going to use him but it was funny because they have him doing all these different things and there was someone

working like it like on the shoot some some idiot was like he literally says, he's really good at jumping. Like, this was not Carl Lewis here, okay? He was just, like, doing little bunny hops, okay? He's so good at jumping. God, Tom, you're such a good model. Thanks so much for doing this great modeling gig. My dad in the car goes, So wait, that guy's meeting people for the first time and he lifts up his shirt

and he said dad look closer he's also in his underwear like i love that that's what my dad sees he's like why would he show his abs he's also in underwear dude yeah i said he's a model and he said yeah but still that's how you meet people i said when you're a model yeah and by the way what sort of product and also what sort of underwear brand doesn't look at shirtless photos of prospective models first i mean that's you know they obviously hadn't they didn't care about this they just wanted him as a personality because they know people would be like oh look there's tom schwartz and some underwear i don't even know if that was for underwear that was for like pencil erasers. They were like, hey, put a tan line over your head like you were wearing goggles.

And then wear a shirt open and be kind of dad bod. Like when Katie told him later, ew, you're wearing mascara. And he's like, yeah, you're wearing Rachel hair. What's the difference, bitch? She's like, you can't wear mascara and have a dad bod. Well, she's right. She's like, you can't wear mascara and have a dad bod. Well, she's right. She is right. I mean, and take note.

She's in underwear, too. Take note, Johnny, what's your face? From Gin Blossoms. No mascara and dad bod. What's his name again, Johnny? Oh, Gin Blossoms, that's the band name. No, not Gin Blossoms. Oh, I forget.

They sing Iris. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Kids and your popular music of these days. When I was a firefighter, we used to listen to Sister, Sister, and that was it. Goo Goo Dolls by Johnny Resnick or whatever.

So anyway, anywho. So now it's time. Now they go to the improv show in the afternoon, the 1 p.m. improv show. What the frick? Where they're all going to read out of their journals and stuff. Those were all fake journal entries, right? People were making jokes and stuff. Well, I think some of the people who

participated did real journals, but I was just imagining what would Sheena's journal say? What would hers be if she had to read out of that show? From when she was like 14? Yeah, when she was 14. Rawr!

Empty! I like the idea that she actually would write rawr! Auntie invented the crop top today. Everyone in the season was like, what? And I was like, I'm not. Dear diary, today I went to the Qdoba Grill, and I met the man of my dreams. He's a manager there, and I realize

I want to be a waitress someday. That's all she writes. That's all she writes. I can't believe... I could have flown down to the swim coach behind the cow barn in FAA. Like, I was just trying to understand nature.

I'm not an alcoholic. It was just five beers. Dear diary, today I went to Pueblo Campero and they said, sorry, we just closed. I can't believe Pueblo Camo would close three weeks before my birthday. Dear diary, you know what's weird? I really can't believe it's not butter. Ugh! I was thinking getting sucked by not butter.

Dear diary, today I just tried to roll a dinner roll, but it didn't roll very well because it was square. But why would I let a dinner roll if it doesn't roll? And I... Never mind. My pen ran out. Bye diary. Today, in painting class, I thought, wow, I wish I could be on the campus with a fat guy with a big beard and an opiate addiction. Dear Donry, today I was eating pastrami and I was thinking to myself, what would it be like in the future? Would it be called future-rami? That's the stupidest thing I ever said. Pasturami, Futurami.

That's too smart for Sheena, though. Oh, sinners. So anyway, people get up there. They're reading from their journals. So Ariana goes. She reads from her journal. And it was actually really terrible because here she is saying she's an actress who understands comedic timing. But she's reading from her journal in this exaggerated, actually kind of condescending voice where she's like,

Dear Diary, today was my first day on the floor, and the RA above me is pretty cool, but I think she's a lesbian. I'm like, Ariana, you don't understand. With these shows, you have to read it deadpan because the humor is that you said these ridiculous things. So if you're making this funny voice, you're kind of like, I don't know what the word is, but you're kind of, like, cheating your joke. Yeah, like, you can't, like, judge your teen self. Yeah, you can't joke your joke.

You have to be honest about it, and that's what's funny. But she's like, yeah, like, I mean, I was like, that girl's a lesbian. Am I right? And then she would crack up. She was holding a drink, which is a very nervous thing to do when you're swirling around a drink. Am I right, guys? But she wasn't really saying any jokes. She'd be like, and then I walked to the parking lot.

Am I right, guys? We've all been in parking lots. Am I right? And everyone's like been in parking lots Am I right? And everyone's like Ha ha ha ha And Jax For once With his pulse

You know With his finger on the pulse Was like Uh I didn't know that was supposed to be funny Yeah And he was right He was right

That was the case where Jax was right And then I went to algebra class whoa am i right guys oh shut up she just kept on laughing at her shit i'm like dude you have to let the material do the heavy lifting you just you just read it okay you don't have to like add a super sardonic tone to your delivery but then she went into this weird lesbian rant where she was like she chose the oddest part of her diary to read especially because you met that bitch who's running the show right you know the host of the show because she's like like hipster east side cut stark probably a part-time lesbian at the very least and she's like and then i was like

is that chick a lesbian and then i met the girl at the market and i was like is that chick a lesbian am i right lesbians right oh my god that vagina just kissed another vagina am i right guys whoa calm down over there lesbiana and that makes sense doesn't it i know so then the i mean then there was a moment with tom which was like whatever but then then the fun stuff was afterwards when um everyone's like hanging out at like the bar afterwards at 3 3 p.m and uh jacks and lala start to flirt, and while they're flirting, James tries to mark his territory, so he, like, walks over and just starts,

first he kisses her on the cheek, and then he just starts, like, making out with her, and she's like, ugh. She's a total cock block, and he's like, do you see this, Jax? Do you see this? Take a good look, honey. I'm kissing this basic bitch right now. Wham.

Look at this, Jax. Would you like to see a spin, Jax? Look at me spin this record, Jax. Am I right there, babe? That's right, you basic bitch, babe. Yeah. The best part is that he, then James then walks away but not far they're like standing at like one of those like a long table so james just sort of like walks over to a different end to the long

table like probably about like three feet away and lala just she just sort of like turns off the james part of her brain and just focuses back on jacks she's so clinical in her hodim that i i i kind of have to like i'm like impressed and i'm like amazed she's like oh wait no i have jacks here so i am going to be working on this for the moment she's like the hoj in general very exact general ho's chicken general ho's chicken hell yeah Ho's chicken. Hell yeah, man. You pay attention to who is paying you at the time. If Table 10 has paid their bill, they left you a shitty tip, and they're still sitting there, you don't need to give them water refills. All right. Concentrate on this new family who could possibly give you a nice fat 20%.

Yeah, exactly. Okay, buddy. Whoa, you're sure handsome sailor wow so great to see you in this port tiger we could be just like we're like sam and sam i'm like oh you need to just stop it over there la la and jack's like yeah that's that she's like no, well, they are flirting heavily. And, I mean, she is, I mean, she is, she's good at it. Like, at one, you know, Jax is just, like, you know, rolling his eyes at James having just, like, come up and, like, kissed her all over the face. And he's like, you know, he says something like, James doesn't have to kiss her in front of him. And Lala's like, well, you'll just have to kiss me in front of him.

I was like, ooh, she. Yeah, she's like, that's how it works, you know? Like, he sticks it in me, and then you get mad, and then you stick it in me. And then before you know it, you're both fighting. And you don't see that both your walls are missing from the nightstand. Yep. I was like, good for you, Lala, playing these guys. I mean, she just goes from one to the other and it's like

you know she doesn't care these guys are too easy and she hasn't fucked either one of them now i don't know what she's gotten from it maybe a couple of drinks yeah like you know snort of meth off somebody's butt but otherwise like what else yeah i'm actually you know this is where we are missing stassi because stassi would be the one right now to come in, classic Stassi that is, would be the one to be like, look at her. She's whoring up with two different guys because right now Sheena and Katie only fixated about the Italy trip, okay? But Stassi would fixate on what really matters, which is Lala being with two guys being with two guys at sir and therefore having more power with the men than sauce hell yes and then she spent the rest of the episode trying to convince people that she was into pashminas get out of here stassi i know so then lady so then uh

towards towards the end of the episode um the like tom and ariana and tom and katie and jacks are gathering uh to do the plan start talking about the guest list for the joint birthday and um tom and ariana are mad at the idea of kristin being considered as someone to come and so tom actually says he's like do people have amnesia did they drink some strange kool-aid i'm like dude you're the one going on a trip with jacks who had sex twice with your ex-girlfriend so you can't really talk about amnesia no kidding good point i just love that he was saying you guys like the second they said we want to you know jacks we want to invite we want to invite her to the trip he's like dude crystal what do you want to invite

crystal she doesn't control me anymore and then his veins are popping out he's going crazy and he's screaming and yelling. And then Ariana's like, do you know? Because Katie says something like, guys, it's over. Like, she's still in the cast. She's either going to sit in the smoking area, smoking all of our cigarettes, and drinking, like, five vodka sodas a night. Or we're just going to let her come on a scene or two. And Ariana's like, I'll tell you when it's time. When I say it's time.

Yeah. Well, I love that Katie's whole thing was just, she just would say, look at you now. Like, you're being crazy. Look at you now. And then Ariana's like, no. And she's like, look at you now. And Tom's like, no, no, look at you now. Which is kind of actually Katie's response to everything. Everything is like, you know, like, I got you a ring on a string. Look at you now which is kind of actually katie's response everything everything it's like you know

like i got you a ring on a string look at you now what is this oh my god when lisa vanderpump was telling katie well first what was the first thing first he got a dog then he got a ring on a string. Now it's a tattoo on the ass. I think he's come a long way. Like, oh my god. Says the mother of Max. Yeah. He's doing well. He didn't spill water on a customer. One day he'll

be a waiter. Well, that's the way the episode ended. Oh, I'm sorry for Max shaming you on Christmas. I'm sure Max is listening to this in his dorm room at the, you know, rock and roll college being like, what did I do? Nothing, Max. I'm an awful human being. You're adorable.

I love you. Max is working his way up. He's on the Vanderpump schedule. He's busboy, then waiter, then host. You only spent 11 years as a busboy. And then I'm going to teach you how to run

food. Whoa. Nepotism. It works. So anyway, everyone. Ben, we did it. We did it. It's only 1.21 big episode tonight so anyway thanks everyone for listening

get excited for the crappies this week I'm excited I know Ronnie's excited cannot wait favorite time of the year thanks everyone for listening and this was a crazy episode we were going with this tangent tangent and tastic so fun and if you want more tangents go ahead and

listen to our bonus episode and if you haven't signed up for patreon go ahead and do it so i can get your bonus episode oh yeah there's gonna be so much stuff going up on the patreon.com slash watch what crap happens this week get on there so then honestly on the holidays i love you i love you too ronnie i love you great boy love you bye everybody Bye, everybody. Bye.