Watch What Crappens - #2537: Chimp Crazy Episode 2: Where’s Waldo?

Episode Date: August 29, 2024

Episode two of Max’s Chimp Crazy finds Tonia fighting in court to prove that her evidence of Tonka’s death isn’t just a bag of Nesquick. Will she prevail? And what did happen to Tonka? Let’s find out! Watch this recap as a video and find all of our videos, bonus episodes and Trailer Trash recap of the Hulu’s upcoming “Secret Lives of Mormon Wives” over on our Patreon. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to Watch Your Crappins ad free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Well, hello and welcome to What's What Crapins, a podcast for all that crap we love to talk about on Ye Olde Braves. I'm Ronnie, that's Ben. Hi, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. How's it going? Good. Today we are talking about one of my favorite new things, Chimp Crazy on Macs, episode two, for those of you who want it. Also, we talked about the secret life of Mormon wives,

which is an upcoming Hulu show. We talk about that on our Patreon. We did a full trailer trash for that. That's also where you can find videos of this and all of our recaps over at Patreon, which is where all of our bonuses are, et cetera, so join us over there. We will be simplifying Patreon in the next month or so

to just kind of modernize with the times we're revamping that whole thing, so that should be a lot easier to deal with. And that's it, I think. What do you have to say for yourself, Ben? I just wanna give a shout out to a podcast called The Gist. I guessed it on that. I think if this recap goes up Tuesday, or if it comes up on Monday, either way, I think the episode's coming up on Tuesday. So talk to Bravo, pop culture on it was really fun. So go check out

The Gist, a really cool podcast. Nice. Nice one. Yeah, go check that out. Okay. Well, here we are with episode two of Chim Crazy. Now the show got a lot darker. It got a lot darker. CB' There's already some darkness in episode one, but episode two, I sent a text to Ben saying, how do we do this? Wow. CB' It gets dark. But I have to say, by the way, I have to say, we just recapped episode one. And I have to say that, you know, one thing I enjoy about our job is that sometimes recapping a show will make you like a show less. But I actually found that by the time we're done with our first recap, I liked Chimp Crazy

more than when we started the recap. Isn't that funny? I was like, there's a lot going on here that I really appreciate. So I just want to give a little emotional update from me about the show. A little emotional update. Yeah, no, there's some really fascinating themes going on with it that I feel like, you know, I think I was not fully tapped into, but you know, I think I officially like the show now.

Watching sometimes on what we do. Yeah, I think sometimes in what we do, you know, just general watching TV, there's a lot of stuff I don't like when I watch it. I mean, I still stand by, I would not watch, I would not watch Below Deck in real life. I think I only enjoy Below Deck because we're covering Below Deck. Because when I have watched episodes that we don't cover, you know, there have been seasons where we've taken a break from Below Deck because there's so much going on on Bravo and there's just, Below Deck is never ending, you know? So, if something has to go, it's usually Below Deck. But we'll watch it anyway to keep updated, you know, because we still

have to watch the season. But I just don't enjoy it the same. But when we're taking notes, I love it. It's weird. Like, you're just watching differently if you have to talk about it. You have to talk about, you have to look at it in a deeper way. I guess you have to look at, I think, so do you. Yeah. I think we have to sometimes, sometimes when I watch a show, if we're recapping it, I think, how are we going to recap this? And then that actually can affect my enjoyment of the show. And then, um, I think, uh, I think I had a lot of fun recapping the first episode with you and I'm like, wait a second. No, this is great. No problems. So that was my update, my personal update.

Well, just a little disclaimer. This is a dark show. There are a lot of dark themes. There's a lot of animal tragedy and stuff that human tragedy. It's fucked up. Both. But I mean, let's, I think we can all agree that we care more about the animal tragedy most of the time because we see human tragedy all the time.

We're used to that. But the animal tragedy is hard, it's rough. And it is in the show. There are glimmers of light and hope in the show too though, so that's why I'm liking it. And just also how well it's done. I mean, it is just done beautifully. I think they did such a great job with all of the art

on this. And I think, did such a great job with all of the art on this. And I think, you know, in the first recap, I talked about how, you know, it's, it's really, it was not, it was not giving me the same thing I was expecting out of tiger King, which is that like the tiger King was really about the characters and like a, a whole crazy story that was happening with tigers at the center as like this basically a way to like earn money. This seems to be more about people

who have a really warped relationship with wild animals. They really view the animals as children and sources of love and that blurred line and delusion. And I think that's why it's disturbing. That's why it feels so dark because there's a real sadness. There's a sadness in Tiger King, but there's a different kind of or darker, more exaggerated sadness here with these lonely people who, like Connie's alone, Tanya's alone. She has a husband, but it seems like they live these solitary lives and pour everything into these animals that they don't like that. They, they, they, they read so much into the animals that aren't even there. I guess you could even say this is like a parasocial relationship, like parasocial is a little bit of a buzzword in this age of influencers and social media, but this is like the original parasocial relationship,

people with chimpanzees. Um, well, I, I think it's dark because someone gets their face ripped off. Well, there's that too. I don't even go that deep about it. I'm like, wow, that was actually just somebody fully getting ripped apart by a champ. That was bone chilling. And like, again, it's like, we knew it was going to, we knew they were going to have to talk about these things that happened because they made national news when that went to happen and it was horrifying when it made national news.

You're just like, Oh my God, this is terrible. And you know, it's going, they're going to, they're going to talk about it, but because it's a documentary and because it's a well funded documentary, you know, they're going to be able to have access to like really, really unpleasant details and footage to support it. And I was like that entire sequence, I was just kind of like, I was just tensed up and like, please, please just don't show me any like actual police photos

of the crime scene. Cause that's, I just don't think I can handle it. Yeah. It's a pretty rough situation all around. Not only for the lady who had that happen, but also the chimps because you know that they're just being kept in these conditions that they literally go nuts, you know. So, just want to kind of put that disclaimer out there because I know, you know, I read the threads and stuff. Everybody's talking about it all online and stuff. So, I've been reading a lot of the threads and people like refusing to watch it

because of the, listen, the world is scary and I think that if it is triggering some kind of feelings in you, then you shouldn't be watching it, you know what I mean scary and I think that if it is triggering some kind of feelings in you, then you shouldn't be watching it. You know what I mean? But I look at it like the world is scary and I'm not only watching things that make me feel one way. I think part of the power of film especially is how it makes you feel and what it makes you think. So don't always necessarily go for things that make you feel good, you know? As long as it makes you feel something, you're feeling you're alive. Congratulations. Okay, so let's go to... That was my mindset in watching Vanderpump Villa, to be honest.

Tragedies are swell. All right, darlings. So this is also why I love this show because of this scene, how it opens. It is really, this crew and this director really has no problem just letting a camera run on your ass and just sitting there and letting it happen and not constantly try, they're not constantly trying to make something happen. They're perfectly happy sitting there and just watching people. And that's the best part of this. So we see Tanya in her favorite place, the Botox place, the Botox and Restylane salon, tanning bed, whatever. It's like her favorite place. She's there all the day at her med spa. And she has all this like white shit on her lips.

She looks like she just gave a blow job to a snowman and she's just sitting there in her. What'd you say? It's a number and she's just sitting there. It's a number for her lips cause she's about to get an injection. So she's got like number all over her lips and her face looks crazy and she's going through a lot. So staring at her big giant phone with her nails sticking out.

She's kind of looking at it, swiping through it and then the phone starts ringing and she just can't take the stress of it. She's like, God damn it! She's like, Hello? No one's there. Fucking God damn it. It's probably fucking Jordan, motherfucker Jordan. And then it starts ringing again.

She's like, God damn it! It's like the tan of it all, the stuff on her face. And then she just starts like, waddlewaddlewaddlew. She's like, God damn it. She's like the tan of it all the stuff on her face. And then she just starts, the massage chair starts. The camera just sticks on her, but shaking like she's a chair and like going through her phone. I was dying. It was like my favorite three minutes has been on TV this year.

It was better than the bear. Yeah, I will agree. And so the producer is like, um, so what are you doing to your lips? She goes, well, I'm getting them big. Cause you know, I'm really conscientious about that. Like I won't go too big. Cause I don't want to look fake as her wig, like prep like falls into like the foot bath. She's like, I just want them like wearing, you know, kissable.

I want them kissable. You know, the kind of lip settle monkey would want her to go to town on, you know? Yeah, I just look better. Yeah, I just look better. You know, it's easy for the monkey to take an immanent out of your mouth. You got a lip like that, you know? Oh, God, I need some water.

He gets mad when you drink. You're not supposed to drink, but I do it. You know, I've become talented over the years. I can do a lot. They don't think you can drink, but you can. I can drink. You're supposed to. But I do it. As she starts to choke on her numb throat, this laugh goes down her numb throat. So I know she's like, can't breathe. So then we see news broadcasts like what happened to

celebrity Jim Tonka? And like all these newscasters talking about like, Tonka's missing, where's Tonka? Everyone's been trying to reach Tanya to find out where did Tonka go? Who has Tonka? God, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hear that phone going off? Cause now the Botox guy is there,

who's probably also the local Jiffy Lube guy. Like literally can't tell the difference. Say, hey, you hear on my phone? That's life every day now. It gets ridiculous. It gets fucking ridiculous. Let me tell you who it is. That fucker Jordan. It's like, fucker Jordan, Peter, little fuck. And so she's getting fillers put in, right? And so she's like, yeah, it's crazy. To me, it's like, where's Waldo? And that's, you know, that's what I call this saga. Where's Waldo? Except it's Tonka. So Waldo's where's Tonka. It just doesn't have the same sound to it. I like that she keeps saying, where's Waldo? Having no idea how where's Waldo works.

Where's Waldo is where Waldo is in the picture and you just have to find him. It's not someone hid Waldo. His Waldo is out here in the open. Waldo is not in an underground bunker. Waldo is hiding in plain sight. You just have to keep your eyes open. Right. So he, I'm learning a lot about fillers and like lip injections because I have not had that yet. And I'm saying yet because I don't know if I will

but I would like to reserve the right. You just wanna be more visible. But she's getting injected and then he's squeezing if I will, but I would like to reserve the right. You know? You just want to be more accessible. She's getting injected and then he's squeezing and moving the filler around, which I didn't know you had to do, but apparently you put it in and then you shape it around. So he's doing that. So he's doing it. She's still talking like this with one lip, you know? And she's like, there's some people saying that I had talk and really. Really, where am I gonna hide a chimpanzee? Where, really?

I mean, monkey people find humor in it saying, what is he gonna draw in your trailer? That's a monkey joke. But let's be honest, the Dolly of chimpanzees have a trailer now, right? Well, what am I gonna do? Put it in my basement, what am I gonna do, like create a cage in my basement of my home

where there's gonna be a chimpanzee? I mean, it's ridiculous. Come on. Peter thinks I'm hiding a chimpanzee. I'm a monkey mobile. Here's what they call me. Monkey mobile, monkey mogul, hiding a chimpanzee, famous chimpanzee. That's what they call me.

Dolly the monkey mobile. God, I wonder where they got that from. The boats. My LinkedIn even says now Dolly the monkey mogul. I don't even know where they got that from. My LinkedIn even says now, Dolly the Monkey Mogul. I don't even know where they're getting this stuff. It's crazy. The boat talks guy's like, it's pretty hard to hide a monkey. I would imagine. Oh yeah. I mean, I invited him yesterday to my house. I mean, hopefully they'll leave us alone, but I don't think so. No, they're assholes.

They're real assholes right here. Yeah, they're assholes. So ring ring. So then we cut to Peta and Brittany, who's the rat. She's like the Donnie Brasco of the case. Donnie Brasco is the rat, right? Donnie Brasco is, yeah, he's undercover. Yeah, he's not really a rat. He's just undercover. The rat would be someone who is, I feel like,

was already part of the mafia. He rats out the mafia. But he's not, but I feel like a rat is someone who's already part of the mafia. He rats out the mafia. But he's not, but I feel like a rat is someone who's already part of the mafia who then flips versus someone who infiltrates. They're just, they're just on. They're like a rat. A rat's a rat.

He's an official rat. It's official. He's a hired rat. Rat in a top hat. Top hat rat. Yeah, still a rat. Mole. No, no, you're a mole.

You're not a rat, you're a mole. Different road. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. So, Britney's a mole. You're not a rat. You're a mole. Different rodent. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. So, um, they're interviewing Brittany and they're like, where's Tonka? She's like, um, Tonka's conditions and whereabouts are currently unknown. Brittany, you don't have to hide behind the fake bush today. But I bought it. Brittany put down the bush.

Bro. Brittany is actually a general counsel for PETA and they talked to her because I think that, Oh, I thought Brittany was the lady who was the rat. No, I don't. I never really commit her name to her. All right, start over. Start from the top. No, Brittany.

Back to the beauty salon. We're back to lip injections. No, because I was like, who is Brittany? I feel like her name wasn't Brittany. And then I realized right here, she's the general counsel. General counsel for PETA. Yeah. She apparently like Jared was not available that day.

So they had to get Brittany and they're like, Brittany, you're going on camera. She's like, oh, I am, oh. Yeah, Tonka is an adult male chimpanzee. He's in his thirties. He weighs in excess of a couple hundred pounds. He's a stocky big guy. Okay. Can we stop fat shaming Tonka? He has body odor. Seriously? Skoliosis. Even the PETA lady, even the PETA lady is fat shamed. You're going to call

him chunky. Really? Stocky. That's what you're going to call him. If he was in overalls, they'd be made by Husky. He says he's really excited for the Challenge 40, but we all know he stopped watching at the Challenge 38. So just know, just a little background on him. I remember Brittany now very well. Brittany is also fucking over it. Hey, let me tell you something they don't do at PETA. Joke around the water cooler. Literally nobody from PETA ever smiles. This is the most miserable. She's like, yeah, I don't know what happened to Tonka. I really don't. What I do know is the Tonka story is not true. It's like, geez, live a little Brit. Well, I can understand.

Someone hit a fucking chimp. How someone hit a chimp. Hilariously. Can we just have a little fine work? I would be miserable too. If like the Monday morning meeting is like, okay, everyone, here's the PETA news. Joanna Krupa called again. She wants to do something. Oh God, not Joanna Krupa again. After this, I've got to be on a conference call with Joanna Krupa for three hours talking about what she wants to do in Miami.

So we cut to Fox files news footage of Chonya and she's like, and Tonka passed away. And what happened was we had an event, we assuming it's a stroke. I don't want to blame mess quick. That wouldn't be cool. You know, before Peter came and took the chimps, Tonka was very, very ill. Okay. It was called Twizzleritis and it's just incurable and it's sad and the timing suck because it was near the end of a court case, you know, but like, you know, we believe that Tonka

had a massive stroke after we gave him some Red Bull and you know, like we already knew he had an enlarged heart, but we did an assessment and it was huge. What do you want to know about it? Giant heart, huge. Yeah. What do you want to know about it? Giant heart huge. We had an assessment, big heart and a certified veteran said a PETA a certified statement as well as x rays with labs. Let's look at some of these x rays. As you can see, this is a chest cavity with a remote control inside. I'm not really sure how that got there. But let me tell you, he could

always get I love Lucy playing. He was so good with that Tonka. Um, that's just the instruction manual for your Samsung television. Oh, you're right. Damn it. All right. Well, I like plays anyway. Oh, the vet questions, the vet, the vet begged me to euthanize him and I said look he's already old. He's trying listen He's an actor. He tried to be youthful as long as he got possibly good. You just can't make him any younger-looking That's just the way chimps are and said no, that's not what euthanizing means

I said you don't tell me what euthanizing means. Okay, cuz I'm the one getting something in my lips You know, I tell you if you're gonna use this like my youth to size someone let me tell you you if you're gonna youth-is-ize someone, let me tell you who you should youth-is-ize, youths. Because, you know, I've got a couple of kids that I gave birth to, they don't worth shit, you know, and they put the youth in youth-in-ized. So go get them. Do you know how many roles are available for actors above a certain age? It's not right, and so I refuse to youth-in-ize this champ.

How about how it makes better roles? Who's next? Betty White. That's what I say. Geez. And you know, so we did, we ended up euthanizing him. It's a sad situation, but you know what's sadder? They keep running out of Hello Kitty boxes. I don't know why I'm still buying those. I don't have any monkeys. Well, now we see Alan coming again. He's like, when Peter said that they didn't think he was dead, I was just like, oh really? And it's just like, is it time to put this to rest? Is it? Why would she do that? I hope he's alive. But if he is, where the fuck is he? Palm Springs? Is he in Palm Springs? Please someone tell me that there are chimps in Palm Springs.

They cut to a sign that says Lake of the Ozarks. I'm like, oh my God, the Ozarks? Really? It's like Tanya Osmond and Tonka performing on stage. Okay, so it's two months after Tonka's disappearance. Now we're with our proxy producer, Dwayne, the clown, and he keeps getting a call from Tanya and he's talking about how when they first reached him and asked him to be the proxy director, he's like,

yeah, I didn't even know what that was. So I Googled it, but I still didn't really get it. I still don't really, but I know animals and these are animal people. So proxy it up. And then Tanya calls and goes, see, isn't that wild? Here she is. I'm like, why do we have this scene with Dwayne saying like, I don't really know what I'm doing, but I liked it because Dwayne really amuses me because again, I really think he thinks he's the director now. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a crap ens commercial. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappins commercial. She struck him with her motor vehicle. She had been under the influence that she left him there. In January 2022, local woman Karen Reed was implicated in the mysterious death of her boyfriend, Boston police officer John O'Keefe. It was alleged that after an innocent night out

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To end in a mistrial, it's just a confirmation of just how complicated this case is. Law and Crime presents the most in-depth analysis to date of the sensational case in Karen. You can listen to Karen exclusively with Wondery+. Join Wondery Plus in the Wondery app, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. I'm Dan Tuberski. In 2011, something strange began to happen at the high school in Leroy, New York. I was like at my locker and she came up to me

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Follow Hysterical on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Hysterical early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So, they go over to Tanya's new house up in the Ozarks and she has all sorts of animals. She has a camel and everything. Later on, we see a kangaroo. Now, that kangaroo, again, should not, that kangaroo should be someplace else. But that being said, that kangaroo is kind of a breakout star for me. Every time that little kangaroo came bouncing into the shot, my heart sang. Oh, that little kid who's little baby kangaroo is very cute.

Just keep bouncing in. Love that kangaroo. Yeah, very cute. But you know, it's like you want a root for Tanya because it's like, look at Tanya. She's had rough times, but she didn't give a fuck. She went to buy some mansion in the Ozarks and now she's got all these new animals. She's doing just fine, and they're like safer, I guess, to have. They're not chimps. Gals! So, it's like, let's look at Tanya, she's doing it. But then, you remember that Tanya is kind of a villain too, because she goes up to the camel and she's like, hey camel, you want some green,

you want a little green camel? All right, you better kiss me first. You're not getting any until you kiss kiss me. Kiss me. Wow. Okay. I thought, you know, have we not moved past this in the Ozarks? Can't do that. Tom. Yeah. Give it as fucking grain. I know you want to kiss me. My lips are more kissable now. Okay. You went through the whole process. I'm gonna kiss up. Come on. Oh, they were definitely not in Festus anymore. I can tell you that. It's been a long time since I've lived in a town that people don't get confused with fetus. I actually moved to a lake in Central Missouri and basically I moved to another town that looks just like Festus.

I'm like, I love when she says, we're not in Festus anymore. I'm like, usually you say that when you like go from New York City to Arizona or Kansas to not Kansas, but like to go from one town to just another town in the same state. I was like, Hmm, looks kind of like you're still in Festus. Yeah. So she has 28 acres and this house needs inundated. That's what it means. This house needs inundated. What the fuck is Tonya ever talking about? We need to inundate this house. Okay, here's my motif. We need to

inundate this house. That's inundating. We're inundating. We're inundating right now. And we're going to do a private petting zoo. We're going to inundate that sucker. Okay. So we see her taking care of the animals and then she's setting her, she's sitting at the kitchen table. She's got a new crazy wig, even crazier. And she's like, I'm looking for white ponies. I'm just doing, you know, things an artist does. I'm looking for ponies because I'm going to color

them. She's like sketching out these ponies that she wants to do. She's going to get white ponies, color them and put unicorn horns on them. Like, can we have an animal that you don't border on animal abuse with? I know. It'd be great. Can we just have a white pony? You don't need to put all, and you know she's going to use fucking spray paint or something too. Yeah. This is like, you know, when you see someone who has like a little white dog and then they, um,

die the tip of the dog's tail, like bright pink. This is like what happens when you give those people too much power, because now she's like, you know what, I think we all need to just calm down. Because I think someone has forgotten that their friend used to have a little white dog named Xena that had a pink mohawk that ran. No, but not a pink tail.

Well, that's true. Okay, okay. Technicality. And honestly, Roddy, let's be honest. If you were unshackled by sense and sensibility and you were given a white pony, I kind of think you might also want to put heart sparkles on their butts.

You're right. That would. That's why I can never hate their butts. You're right. That's why I can never hate Tanya. You know, that meme going around where they're like, I can never hate you. I think that's the dumbest meme. Like they can never make me hate you. I don't love that meme because I just don't feel it about anybody. Cause like they could make me hate anybody really, but Tanya, they could never make me hate Tanya. I feel that way about Tanya. I'm like, you know what? You can't just spray paint a horse, Tanya, but can you? Can I help you? She was like, she's full of Ronnie Ed, right?

So she's like, yeah. She's like, I love her. I get her somehow. She's like, I'm just gonna put, I'm gonna go put heart sparkles on their butts and stuff, but I want it to be all glitter. So it's gotta be blingy, cause blingy is my deal. And then it'll be a real cute pony.

Yeah. And I'm not blingy. Like I don't have anything in common. I mean, I do have big boobs, but like, I don't have a ton in common with her, but I just, I feel for her. So then she's like, Oh, I got Gibbons. They're endangered. But for the most part, it's going to be strictly not endangered stuff because we don't want any issues with motherfucker Jared, a little piece of shit, a wuss, a little wimp. I don't want anyone coming around here.er, Jerry, the little piece of shit, wuss, little wimp. I don't want anyone coming around here.

I'm going to have to push into a locker. Know what I mean? So legal animals it is. So Dwayne goes, well, how can you afford all this? And she goes, oh, well, and she's now in her car and she's got baby monkeys in the backseat. She goes, well, I do a lot of brokering of exotic animals, which is funny because I feel like most people that's not like when you talk

about brokering exotic animals, that just sounds so illegal. It sounds so wrong. So it's a funny, she's like, yeah, I just brokering exotic animals. You know, I'm the middle man, you know, I can get any animal that you're looking for and I can get a brokerage fee for that. And like any baby baby or any animal that I broker, I usually just transport, you know, I don't trust any other transporters take care of my baby. Oh, hold on one second. You know what? I think that given got away. We have to turn around this car.

So basically she learned how to do this from Connie, her mentor, you know, that's how she met you. She went in for, she went in to hold a couple of chimps and now look at her. She's fucking got a trench coat on and she's like got little baby monkeys under there. She's just like spreading out all over the world. Now here's my, look, a lot of problems have arisen in this show so far, but this is a main one that I have a Tanya, even though I love her. You can't, you know what happens, like you know what happens. You know that these monkeys can only get to a certain age before they come violent and before it becomes terrible to own them, they can never be let outside of a cell. So what are you doing? Like in the beginning it was like, okay,

well she didn't really know. Like they were cute and people didn't really know what happened to these monkeys, but now she does know. And now you're just selling them out of the back of a mini man. Come on, Tonga. But also how many stupid fuckers out there don't know what to do with the exotic animals

that they acquire? How many stories do we hear about like, Oh, wow. Like this wild black mamba was caught in Florida because someone bought it as an exotic thing. And then they have decided it was too hard to take care of. They dumped it in a lake. Like it's like every investigation we ever have is like someone bought something illegally and then decided it was too hard to handle. So they let it, let it go free. And then it like grew out of control because I know natural predators and took over. So like the, that's what's so disgusting part. One of the many reasons that's a, uh, why exotic animal brokering and,

you know, um, purchasing is, is so vile, irresponsible humans. Well you say, where are the, where do you find these idiots? I'll tell you where. It's called Facebook. Yeah. Cause then we cut to the Facebook montage and she was like, yeah, yeah, you know what I do? Like, Oh, I put it on Facebook. I'll say, Hey, exotic monkeys and boom, you know, I guess some answers. And then it, is this where we start hearing all the boys

Yeah, and they're all your monkey. I get the I saw your monkey on Facebook and I was wondering if you have one available They're all they all sound like that. Hey You've got a monkey of a monkey, please in a tiger to goodbye While I do contacts, that's how they generate more income, you know They sell off the babies which for anybody who is standing up for zoos earlier, there's that. They don't want it to be known, of course, because there's a lot of celebrity clients to buy. Keep the secret now. Put up a picture, a full linebacker for the Cleveland Browns. There he is. There he is right there. Be sure not to tell anybody, okay? America.

I'm not saying he's a star full linebacker for the Cleveland Browns, you know. So, um, she's like, you know, she's like, my best year broke one monkey so far has been about $350,000. Okay. And like you can easily make a million dollars selling animals in a year of time, but I would trade this house and anything that came else that I own just to get back to where we were before Peter came took the kids, you know, I mean, start a new life, you know, it's just my way of coping with what's going on, the loss of the chips, because I'm really not dealing on very, very sad. So she's, you know,

she's still going back to see Connie every once in a while. And it's super awkward because Connie still lives in that big house, but it's just like all these empty prison cells, you know, Connie's just walking around jangling keys like, well, I was just walking around telling no one to behave. So, it's been rough. Pete Slauson You know, it's sad because you know, when Tonko was alive, he was a big greeter, you know? He would, it was tough. He would, you know, wave his, wave his hands,

stick his tongue out at you, maybe masturbate in your face, throw some poop at your hair. God, he was so friendly. He'd walk in, he'd ask you how many were in your party if you wanted to eat lunch at a high top or a regular top. Give you a little buzzer, you wait for 45 minutes, you go in, you be like, wait a second, look at all these empty tables. You just sat me 30 minutes ago and he goes, I'm sorry, that's not the policy. God, he was so good at it.

TK Other days, you'd walk in and say, welcome, tell you to turn that frown upside down. What a greeter. What a greeter. That kid, anybody ever met Ton I'll tell you that chimp was the most amazing chimp. And I know a lot of people are gonna say that about their own chimps, but I'm telling you, fuck them. Their chimps are idiots. Tonka was the best chimp. And I know a lot of people would say that about my daughter. Just kidding, no one, literally no one has ever said that

about my daughter, including me. The day she came out, I said, I kept the receipt. Can I send it back? You know, he did movies his entire life. And from the time he was six months old, so Tonka was a, he was a human Z. See what I'm saying? He's half human, half chimpanzee, human Z. Think about it.

Human with a Z. Anyone? No? Anyone get the reference? No. It's like Jordan. Jordan's a droid aster. He's a Jordan and a Z. Anyone? No? Anyone get the reference? No? Like Jordan. Jordan's a Jordan Astert. He's a Jordan and a bastard. He's a chimp person. Like a chimp and a person. It's like a pee sucks. It's like pee bath that sucks. Okay. It's called like a Jordan...

Okay. It's called like a Jordan, Jordan added in a toilet, like Jordan's toilet was where it belongs. Yeah, Tanka did movies and you know, he was a human being. And if I cried, he'd wipe the tear from my face because he didn't want you to cry, you know? And then he, you know, he'd reach out and pat the back of my head and kiss my forehead. Then he start poking at his pointing at his lips. Cause he wanted big old lips like me pointing my boobs.

He wanted to be the dolly of chimps. So it got rough. It was a little jealous. I had to just stop seeing him for a while. I mean, single white chimp. Am I right? He just couldn't get Tonka away from me. He's Tonka. Take a break. We shared so many memories, like the time we just looked into each other's eyes and cried as I poured an entire bag full of EL fudges into his mouth. It's just so many memories. So she's going through this really touching monologue of like, he's just like a person, he's just like my child. And then she goes, Yeah, I mean, he would even masturbate. Yeah, right at me, you know?

But it was cute, cause he'd be tactful. He'd do it under a blanket. You know, I just go on, he's very quiet, very mature about it, you know? And I say, Tanca, knock it off. You know, that kind of stuff. I need to come over here, seaming all over his hands, brushing the tears off my eyes.

So disturbing. So disturbing. And the producer's like, so you're saying Tonka was shy when he masturbated and you showed up? He's like, yeah, you know, I mean, not shy enough not to masturbate every time I walked in the room. But listen, I take real good care of myself. So who are we going to blame here? The chimp or the med spa? care of myself. So who are we going to blame here? The chimp or the med spa? So you know, so then we see more footage of Alan Cumming is now watching footage or just watching the movie buddy. Part of the AFI is top 100 films. When coming every time they cut to Alan Cumming, I'm like, why are you still here? I mean, like you did great and everything.

I don't, I always love Alan Cumming. Yeah, but like- But they just kept Alan Cumming as long as possible. They're like, okay, we got your story. You want to watch a Tonka movie? He's like, sure. This is literally like that PBS show where people look at their family trees

and now Alan Cumming is just like staring at at the monkey like, oh yes, I remember. I remember now with the Tonka. To know now that I come from a long line of Tonkas really puts everything into perspective. Yeah, it's like we get it. He liked Tonka. What else do we have to get from it? Real Tonka-stan over there. So it's like, well, they're like, you know, Alan, we're gonna have you look at some more pictures

of that movie you were in with Tonka, right? Okay. Well, you know that you can't put real chimps in films anymore. It's like, I know, it's pretty crazy, but they're still allowing real housewives on television. I know, I host one of their shows. Okay. But don't you worry that people are gonna accuse you of being a hypocrite, Alan, when you, you know, you work for PETA, but then you also worked with chimps? Alan Ross There are times that's changed. It's been 30 years. I've changed. Times have changed. You know, the thing is with Tonka, one time you see the scene right here, he's right now he's doing a little painting. And then after

this I went to Budapest. I had the most depressing, depressing movie also with Rene Russo. God, two Renes in a row. It's a lot to take on. Anyway, I was just lying there, I was like Caroline, I'm so sad because here, here's the painting from that chimp that you had an unhealthy relationship with. Please enjoy. And I said, there, this will be make me happy. So I put this painting up in the wall in Budapest and I looked at it. Made me happy to see him. Pete Yeah, I was so, so, so worried about Tonka, I was trying to do this film in Budapest. I said, I can't live with myself. And somebody sent me a picture with what looks like a bloody handprint from Tonka. It's like, wow, how is this supposed to make anybody feel better?

It looks like they took that right before Tonka was murdered. Like, what the hell? It's just like what, it's like a horror movie. It's like a bloody handprint. He's like, I love it. I'd look at it every day. It felt like a warm hug. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I look at the painting and then I call up Rene Russo

and say, where's your monkey painting, bitch? And then I hang up. I hate her. So we go back through, we go back to Tanya at her Ozarks house and there's a baby kangaroo hopping all over the place with a diaper on and saying, Oh, it's Katie. Hi, Katie. Katie. Oh, it's my baby I raised. Her name's Katie. Oh, what you saying? I want my model mom. I want my model mom. Okay. You're going to take ballet class? Yes. That's a good daughter. Look at her. I do love Katie. Katie is a real breakout star. And later on, Katie like hops into a little bag,

just because it feels like it's like the pouch and she's Katie's just like in that pouch. I'm like, God, I love Katie so much. Yeah. Katie's so fucking cute. She's the best. So Tanya's like, I'm not a big TV person or a social media person, but you know, it's funny because you know what they're calling me? Monkey mogul, monkey mogul. I don't know where they got that monkey mogul. Tanya, you're wearing a name tag that says monkey mogul. It's just, I don't know.

I don't know where that came from. I love her saying she's not a big social media person when like it's been two episodes worth of, so I posted this on Facebook and look at me. Here's a photo of me with my lips on Facebook. Here's my new wig on Facebook. Now here's a TBT here to my old face. Yeah, you know what?

Like I'm just not really on Facebook very much. What are you doing with your arms there, Tom? It's a monkey dance. I do it on Tiki-Taki with Tonka. Used to. He's the monkey dance. I do it on, and I'm tiki-taki with Tonka. I mean, you used to. He's absolutely dead. You know, that bad Tonka Tonka's ghost in time. It cracks me up because I'm like, okay, first of all, I'm not a monkey mogul. I'm not, I'm not like part of monkeys. Second of all is faking the death of the chimp. Okay. It's like faking the death of a chimp. Okay. Like for what? Like what could reason, I mean, mean I'm like trying I want you to explain to me what good would it do

to me to fake tankas death okay I know for a fact that Peter would never quit hounding you so you you wouldn't be able to get to keep Tonka yourself so I mean like what would you even do with like a fake dead Tonka like why would you even think the death of a monkey what's even the point of it it's not like you have a basement with a cage downstairs that you could keep alive, monkey, all the time. It's ridiculous. Why would I keep a monkey?

A cute, adorable monkey that's just like a child to me. What would I do with the child? Except love it. Hold it, love it. Swing it back and forth in my arms. I would never do such a thing. Who would do that? Play games with it.

Do not pass code. Do not collect $100, Tonko. Do not pass code. Do not collect $100 tonka. Do that. And the arms. I would. Why? Why? So little, little wig on it. Little blonde wig. Say, ah, you're so, you're so good. Leslie, my daughter. So this, sorry, I got lost there. Leslie. So we see now Jared Goodman is walking down a hallway and a news anchor is talking about him. And I guess the lady of the news is like, Hey,

have you taken up your like Tanya's offer to go, go to her house? And he's like, well, there's no reason for us to believe that Tonka is in her home. She lives somewhere that to our knowledge doesn't have an enclosure for a chimpanzee and Tonka's an adult and a dangerous chimpanzee. He wouldn't just like, you know, be living in a house like a child. I'm like, sir, have you been watching the first episode of this documentary? It's like, yeah, she doesn't have space for a monkey and she certainly is not stupid enough to be living with the child in some domestic situation where she's putting a little girl's wig on the child and calling it her daughter.

I mean, that would never happen ever. So, you know, also, you know, look, we're here for the welfare of animals, but we're also here for the welfare of gays. And I would not subject any of us, especially myself to that kind of a situation. Tanya's house. No, thank you. This is why Jared is, uh, this is why he's so incestant on this case cause he's like, I refuse to allow you to take the title of Dolly of chimpanzees.

I'm taking every single chip away from you. I was going to let her get away with it until I heard she called herself the dolly of chimpanzees. So he's like, look, chimps are incredibly strong. They're cute when they're young, but they, when they're adults, they're really strong and they're really dangerous. At which point my heart started to race cause it's like, Oh God, we're going to get into the scary chim parts parts. The scary chimps parts are coming.

What's coming? Yeah. Listen, they're like a manali. They're like Liza Manali. Adorable when they're young, extremely dangerous to the public as they age. And he's like, well, you know, it's easy for them to harm a human being as we've seen with arguably the most infamous animal attack of all time, the chimpanzee Travis, at which place we then go to Travis

Holman in Texas. And he's just there being like, Stephanie. Commercials. Here comes one right now. What's up guys? It's your girl Kiki and my podcast is back with a new season. And let me tell you, it's too good. And I'm diving into the brains of entertainment's best and brightest.

Okay. Every episode I So here we go. So, we meet a lady named Carrie, who is Sandy's stepdaughter. And she's going through memories. Pete Slauson Yes. We're in Connecticut now. And Carrie… Jared Slauson She's taking stuff out of a shed. Sorry, I thought I skipped something. She's taking stuff out of a shed and she's telling us, My father was married four times and, you know, I know her because she was wife number two. And there was just so much negative stuff about her on TV and in the papers about Sandy and Travis. And I would just bite my tongue and not say anything. But I want people to

know the truth because there was just so much, oh God, you might have to cut this part out. But there was just so much bullshit. There was so might have to cut this part out, but there was just so much bullshit. There was so much, I said it, I said, did you get that on camera? You should cut that out. I'm a bad girl. You know, one day she told me, Sandy told me that she was gonna get chimpanzee and I said,

where is she gonna get that from? And she said, oh, well she knows this lady and I think her name was Connie, something like that, big Wheel of Fortune fan. She was out in Missouri. So she said she's going to fly out to Missouri, get this chimp, $40,000, $40,000 bucks in fact. She went out, she came home with Travis, cutest baby you ever saw, really was.

I mean, it was really cute. And we see Travis in the bath and he's on a trampoline in overalls, real cute. And then the next door neighbor, Sandy's friend or whatever is like, I remember Sandy saying to me, you don't love that little shit? What was that little guy? Isn't he cute? He was cute. That guy was fucking cute. I'll tell you that. That was the voice of Nadina Truini. I love her name. Nadina Truini from Stamford, Connecticut. I'm gonna listen. You want the truth? You come to me. I'm Nadina Truwini. Nadina lying. Come to me for the truth. Yeah, you know, and I give you a truth cocktail. It's called the Truwini.

And it's coming from me, Nadina. So Carrie was like, you know, Travis was like any other person in our family. You know, he was just like the one that couldn't talk. Sandy was his mom. Jerry was his dad. They trained him to use the party and everything. He's to know how to use the microwave. He could cook for himself. He could eat snacks. He would masturbate under a blanket tactfully. And they taught him how to drive. Yeah, he could steer. He knew which one was the gas pedal. Okay, guys. I know things have changed again. I know that times have changed, but we're okay with monkeys driving. Can we not teach our monkeys

how to drive? Come on. Can we have some boundaries? Can we have some healthy boundaries here? Okay. He was never alone. He went everywhere. He knew which one was the gas pedal, but he did not know which one was the brake. Exactly. Or like the park, you know what I mean? Continue on Ronnie. All right. Well, you know, he would go shopping, he would get in the car all the time with her and they went everywhere and he was never alone and she was never alone.

So it was perfect. You know, it was real perfect. And she kind of looks away and you're like, this was not perfect. Get to the sad part, you're killing me here, lady. Well, Sandy and Jerry built a towing business. It was from the ground up and they called it Desire Me Motors, you know?

Cause they really wanted to mix towing cars and with sex appeal as people do, you know? Like, who do you want to tow your car? Someone fuckable or someone unfuckable? I mean, they had a point. So we decided to lean into fuckable, which is why they made Travis the mascot. We're like, okay, who wants to fuck a monkey?

Okay, and then what happens if that monkey takes your car? Think about it, guys. Something clear? Did you think we were gonna get to the monkey slaughter before we made you extremely uncomfortable? No, every fact I give you about Trav is going to make you uncomfortable. Trav drove. Trav took baths with his dad. Trav was the mascot of a fuckable towing company. There was nothing he really couldn't do. So, so then head, uh, Carrie is like, she's like, yeah, the fuck is wrong with us. No,

but what the fuck is wrong with his towing company? The knock on this makes sense. Desire me. So are myself. It's like, it desire me. It's like stealing your car, but your car is your heart. But then it's a monkey. It turns out it's a monkey that's doing it. So Carrie, it just sounds like improv, you know, but started a towing company. God desire me towing. Travis the chimpanzee became the mascot.

So the police were apparently always hanging around the towing company and they're always hanging out with, uh, with Travis. And so Frank Chiafari from Stanford police, he's like, yeah, when I used to do traffic, it would be a common sight to see Travis. He'd just be waving at you jerking off under his blanket, had a big smile on his face. Sometimes they pull up next to me and I'll just play with him. You know, I loved him. God, he was great.

And we see videos of Frank playing with this champ, you know, playing ball or something like that. I mean, so cute. Travis is so cute. Like he really is cute and he seems so sweet and friendly. He is. And Kerry's like, he went everywhere with Travis, you know, and everybody wanted to meet him. Maury Povich, you met Maury Povich? Sheryl Crow. He met Sheryl Crow. She was kind of a bitch. What a lie. There was a TV commercial with Morgan Fairchild. God, he loved Morgan Fairchild.

He was in an old Navy commercial. Remember that one? That was an iconic commercial when that lady, who didn't love that lady back in the day. Morgan Fairchild, first of all, by the way, I feel bad for Sheryl Crowe that she got second billing after Maury Povich. She deserves much better.

Why is Sheryl Crowe not number one on that list? Is she though? It's like. You know, Sheryl Crow, I'll never forgive. And I've told you this story before, but it was a long time ago, but I'll never forgive Sheryl Crow. Cause you know how people sometimes come up with alternate businesses. Hers was sleeves that she was like so about like saving

the earth that she made these really, she made outfits that had detachable sleeves that were really long and you use them as napkins to wipe yourself. I always thought that was the most fucking disgusting thing. And I'll never look at Cheryl. I'll never be okay with Cheryl Crowe now. I'll always remember the time that Cheryl Crowe performed in the Big Brother house. And that's just a weird thing that happened in our lives. But anyway, Cheryl Crowe is here listed in a sandwich between Maury Povich and Morgan Fairchild,

which is like the gayest thing this show could ever do. Um, and so, uh, but by the way, though, that old Navy commercial, when they showed it, I was like, I remember that commercial and like whoever, by the way, whichever gay came up with the idea to put Morgan Fairchild, that lady, that fashion lady, old, older fashion lady, and a chimp together to sell Old Navy. Like they deserve a GLAAD Media Award. Okay? Because they did great work. That was genius casting. Yeah. That's so classic. And it doesn't feel like that long ago, but ain't that just life?

So Kerry's like, yeah, and then he got big. You know, it's like a toddler that gets big. You know, or a Minnelli. That one's for you, Jared, okay? And you can't control him. He's a pain in the ass. You tell him to stop doing something, and he'll just masturbate all over you. And if he didn't want to, he wasn't gonna.

So, you know, wow, yeah, it was ugly. But then, yes. I just like when Kerry goes, you know, they just don't, they just do what they want, but it's like, you know, it's like knock it off, you know, knock it off. I'm like, it's a chimpanzee. Like, you know, when they start like, you know, grab me by the arm and you feel like your arms are going to be detached from it socket and you're like, knock it off.

Yeah. Travis was about six or seven with Sandy realized that she couldn't really control him anymore, but that was her sign, so she was gonna make it work. And this is where the trouble came with Travis. And I would imagine most of them were, you're like, okay, well, this was cute for five years and now we're all fucked. And some people would have the sense to call Connie and then Connie would take these back. I guess they would either take them back or take them in and kind of give them somewhere to live

out this portion of their lives. But yeah, this is so sad. Sandy was like deluded and was like, this is my child. Because by the way, this is what happens when you take a chimp, really any animal, but like really in this case, you take a chimp and you put it in little pants and you have it do human things.

You blur the line for yourself about that, that this is a wild animal out of its natural habitat, but it has wild animal tendencies and chimps are so territorial and they, they fuck shit up if they want, if they want to like fuck shit up, they will fuck shit up and, but people, they, they blur the lines and it's so, it's so dangerous. And now here's a lady who blurred the line so much that she now sees this jump as her own child. And that's,

yeah, cause it sounds like what she's saying. It sounds like her reasoning was almost someone with a kid who's got issues, right? Like, well, it's still my kid and I want to help the kid. I don't want to just send the kid away. I want to help my kid, but it's not your kid. It's a wild animal. This is not just like a behavioral issue, you know what I mean, or a mental issue or something that you can help. It's nature. It's nature, ma'am. So, Frank is telling us this story of how, yeah, you know, he got out one time, like he got out the car in traffic and he starts running around, he stops traffic, the news

was there, everything. He starts walking up to people in traffic and like spanking them, like giving them spankings and stuff. And it was funny at first. And then they show news footage of him kind of like rolling around on the ground being playful, but he refused to get back in the car. And he was just kind of running around, like rolling around on the ground being playful, but he refused to get back in the car and he was just kind of running around like looking into people's cars and fucking with everybody. Yeah. And so basically like after that, like they changed laws. They created the Travis amendment in Connecticut. That's basically like, can't do this. You have to have a permit if you're going to have a primate that's over 50 pounds.

And then mayor called and was like, this happens again, you're going to basically lose your chimp. That's what like serious repercussions, quote unquote repercussions, according to Nadina Truini. And so as a result, Travis had to be confined to the house after that. And so he wasn't able to go out into the world, which is funny because like, of course the chimp wants to go out in the world because it's a wild animal. It doesn't want to be confined. It wants to be out and wants to be doing things, wants to be roving,

roaming the world and it shouldn't be in the confinement of a Connecticut household in the first place. Right. So basically it started kind of going nuts because it was stuck in confinement all the time and it started getting really depressed. And Nadina tells us that the dad, Jerry, got sick and had stomach cancer and he never came home. And so then Travis was really heartbroken. And so was Sandy. So that house just became miserable, right? So then- It became like a quarter house also. It became like very depressing in there.

Oh, God. This is also, I feel like we should even shorten this part because it's just so sad. Basically, the guy gets super depressed. Okay, so she had a neighbor, Sharla, and Sharla would come babysit the monkey, the chimp. And she was having trouble. He wasn't listening. He wasn't, you know, he was having some behavioral issues. And so she called Sharla and she was like, hey, Sharla, would you come help me? I'm having issues.

So Sharla was like, sure. So Sharla came over and he went crazy. Yeah. The monkey went completely crazy. And um- We hear a 911- I thought her, Carrie. We hear, basically the monkey attacks Sharla. We hear a 911 call, which is, we hear a nine, one, one carry. We hear basically the monkey attacks. Sharla, we hear a nine, one, one call,

which is it's really like, it will send chills down your spine because it's real. And you hear basically Sandy's screaming and saying, you've got to come over here. You've got to shoot this chimp. It's killing my friend. It's eating. It's like eating her. It is so, so scary. And then the officer talks about going there and like seeing the monkey and the monkey was like, he, he took out his gun and the monkey came over to his side of the, the, the squad car and pulled the door off. And so he shot the monkey.

And he said that like, Oh, the monkey was telling him like, like, please put me out of my misery or whatever. But he shot the monkey several times and the monkey was still alive. The chimp was still alive and went back in the house and died. And then this lady, she lost her nose. She actually survived, which is great, but she lost her nose. I think her jaw, eyes. It's horrifying. Pete Yeah, it was really terrible. My god. And while this is all going on, the lady, the mom is running around stabbing the monkey and it wasn't affecting the monkey at all. I mean, the whole thing was horrific. And so then, Carrie, who's the daughter, was saying, you

know, and she was telling me not to tell anybody, but if they had looked at her body that day, they would have seen that she had bruises all over her. So, she had been kind of being abused by this monkey or whatever, by this chimp for a long time. And this whole thing was crazy. So dark. The state did not at least, they did not press charges against Sandy because I think they viewed it as like, as a wild animal that got loose, da da da da da. But like basically actually Sandy had awareness that this, that, that the chimp had become violent and dangerous to be around.

And she was hiding that from people. So she was totally, totally liable for this. Right. Cause there were no laws. So you can't really press charges if it's not illegal to have, I mean, even when they passed the Travis amendment, it was that you can't have chimps at, you can't have primates passed a certain weight, but then what? Like you had to have a permit, but you shouldn't even be able to have them with a permit, but they didn't, it's like there wasn't enough knowledge to know how dangerous that was, I guess.

It's like, it's really so, it's so, so, so scary. And I just know, I have a memory of another chimp attack that I think also happened in Connecticut. And I'm wondering if that's going to come up in episode three. And I'm sure it probably will because I think they're always going to go for visceral stuff. And I remember that also made national news and that like, literally like, I'm like, please don't put it in the documentary. I don't want it. I don't want it.

Yeah. So then Jared from PETA comes back on the screen and he's talking about how they've been after people like this for years because the Endangered Species Act was signed into law and that protected animals that were on the verge of extinction and wild chimpanzees were protected, but the ones that were held in captivity were left out because they could, they wanted to still use them in laboratories and zoos and for entertainment, right? Yeah. So, which is like, that's great. So, now we are back to Dwayne and Tanya in her kitchen and he's giving her a box of animal crackers. Basically, I'm sorry, real quick, because I didn't finish it. I should have finished up.

Oh, sorry. It's really long, but he basically says that the Lalfo pipeline was shut down for wild chimpanzees. So people like Connie flourished and were out there selling these animals for like 65 grand, you know? So this starts putting... And not only because we see how dark all this is, but this happens and then this lady is like, oh, well, you know, that sucked. But I'm still going to go sell a bunch of unsuspecting people from Facebook, these animals by the buttload so I could buy a mansion on the Ozarks. So now we have Dwayne and Tanya in her kitchen and they're eating animal crackers. And Tanya's like, oh gosh, you know what I'm mad about? Look at this animal cracker box. Okay. Very angry about this. Okay. Cause I will not eat these anymore

because PETA made them take the bars off the box, okay? Like, oh, cause they can't be in cages. Is that ridiculous? Barnum and Bailey had these cookies for how long? This is ridiculous. It's just so- You gotta even free the animals on the box of the cookies? God, wow.

What are you gonna steal those animals for? I'm surprised that they don't just give you boxes of animal crackers and you look inside and there's no animals in them, cause PETA ate them all. Nah. I mean, I love the crackers. I mean, honestly, but like, see, this is where you,

a lot of people don't realize how bad PETA really outreaches on stupid stuff like this. I mean, what's next? They're gonna wanna take the, take the pepperoni off of pizza. Actually, they probably would want to do that. Cause that's, that's me. What are you trying to protect? Penguins? Well, that's what I'm asking you.

Well, I think they're going to be mad because polar bears are floating on three foot big pieces of ice down in the middle of the, oh, and they probably would be mad about that actually. Yeah. Yeah. Better stop drinking coke. Hmm. What? When no one's allowed to keep polar bears in their backyard anymore Oh, see what he's gonna do. He just get wait No, I figured it out peace be mad because coke uses polar bears in their guards in their Christmas Commercials and it's probably not right for the polar bear. Oh polar bears wearing a scarf. That's bad for the polar bear

Am I right high-pipe clean? No more scars for polar bears. Got it. Be the idiots No more scars for polar bears. Got it, Piva. Idiots. So, saying, nah, nah, I still love animal crackers. I'm not gonna lie about it. Bars are no bars. I still eat them.

Cause you know, I'm an animal person. So animal people eat animal crackers. That was kind of a shock to me. I was like, wow, people who love animals also eat animals. It's like, I like circus animals. I'm into animal crackers. Yeah, I thought that was so weird. I thought like Dwayne, you know, Dwayne's whole whole story is he was a circus clown. So therefore I'm going to have

the only circus treat that there is out there. I'm very on the nose. The only circus themed treat. I'm on the clown nose. Maybe some ring dings. I don't know. So yeah, you know, this is where you, you know, a lot of people don't realize how bad PETA really is because this is the stuff that they do. Taking bars off cookies, that's what they do, okay? So Eric is, now we're talking to Jared,

and Eric's like, so what makes PETA so sure that Tanya is lying and that Tonka's alive? And he's like, well, we asked where Tonka was because we hadn't received proof of his death. And she said that he was cream painted. So we had the court order evidence and Tanya shows up with an email and it says, this is an email from a man named Jerry Asuigan

and it says Tonka died and that they burned Tonka in a burn pit at about 165 to 170 degrees. Do you know what's 165 degrees? My butt crack. My butt crack is 100. It's not gonna cremate anybody. There were no bones anymore. And first, first it turns out that Jorrius Weekend was telling you that Haddix is husband, which by the way, LOL, she's still married? Really? What a twist.

That's the twist, everyone. This is the end of episode one, am I right? No, this is not the cliffhanger. The twist is that she's had a husband this whole time? What the hell? And also, that temperature is simply impossible. If you think about it, your home oven, you can't cook anything at 170 degrees. Can you cook Ina Garten's Perfect Roast Chicken at 170 degrees? No, 350. Okay. Can you cook her Outrageous Brownies at 170 degrees? No, 350 again. Listen, you can't do anything, especially nothing from Queen Ina at 170 degrees. Yeah, so she's like,

well, I don't know, I don't know much. I'm not an embalmer or funeral home director. Like, what do I know? But apparently they wrote the statement the first time and it said 160 degrees, but what they meant they forgot a zero. So it was supposed to say 1600 degrees, but they forgot that part. And we sent it to Jared and guess what that little fuck did?

He pretended he never got it. Does Jared say that he got the amended report that says 1700 degrees? No, he doesn't. Why? Because his jackass and a fuck face, okay? Jackasses and fuck faces don't read second responder emails. That's why fucking one single email reader fuck, fuck. So Dwayne's like, so do you have Tonka's ashes?

Oh yeah, oh yeah, here we go. This is, here's a Ziploc bag. I keep in a nice little box with a bow and these are his definitely his pink, pink ashes. Here's a Ziploc bag I keep in a nice little box with a bow. And these are his definitely his pink pink ashes. And he's like, um, are you sure this isn't like cake sugar for decorating a cake? What are you talking about? Now listen, you know, there's really Tonka's ashes because Tonka had a lot of Nesquik and

this tastes just like Nesquik powder. If you look at it closely, you can almost see a bunny in it. Like, it doesn't look like ashes. just like an Esquip pattern. If you look at it closely, you can almost see a bunny in it. You know what I mean? It's like, mm, doesn't look like ashes. And it really is. Anybody who's ever seen CSI knows that this is flower, right? Very much. It's like not the right color.

It's not chunky. It looks nothing like ashes. All you have to have seen is like literally the news. Like I can't, I'm wondering why didn't she even Google this? You know what I mean? Pete Yeah. Jared Come on, what do ashes look like? Pete You know, I'm tired of Jared being an ass and insulting my integrity. And then we cut to Jared saying, well, I think my relationship with Tanya would accurately be described as acrimonious,

and that's mostly from her end And then it's just a montage of time. Yeah, going I would say he's a devil's spot, but I know he has a mother He's a bastard. He's a dick. I always like this Facebook page to see if his wife dumps him You ever want to see a shoelace in human form Jared Guys peewee Herman pee Herman, Pee Wee Herman, Pee Wee Herman. I have voodoo dolls of Pee Wee Herman. Hopefully I can get that fucker at some point. You know why?

He looks just like Pee Wee Herman. Contempt, contempt, contempt. Oh, look, I have another piece of paper, motherfucker. My favorite was I keep checking his Facebook page to see if his wife dumps him. And look, that dumb ass accidentally sent me a friend request. And like, why did you do that? He goes, that was unintentional. Thank you for noting it. I've canceled it.

That's funny. Oh, why would you send me a Facebook friend request? So then back to interviews. So Jared's like, I very much look forward to the day when I can close this tab and never reopen it. I tried to run him over last time we left the courtroom. I'm gonna slap the shit out of this guy. I don't wanna kill him, I just want him, amen.

He's lucky he jumped off the curb or he would have been run over. Her personal attacks were so inconsequential to me that I don't remember precisely what they were, although I do have a recurring nightmare of being run over by a Chevrolet. So he calls. He's calling right now. He's calling right now. He's calling right now.

Peewee Herman's here. All right. Hi, Mismatics, it's Jared Kidman. Can you tell us a little bit more about the evidence that you were offering up to us? And she's like, you know what? I'm done with this. I'm so done with this. It's not even funny.

It is not even, you know what Where's Waldo is? It's a Where's Waldo situation. I'm not Where's Waldo-ing anymore. Do you understand me? Do you understand me? Do you understand me? It's like, um, what, what, what, where is Waldo situation? You know where Waldo is? And then it's like a long It just takes

takes a long pause. Just takes 10 minutes. It's like this really long pause. And he's like, Excuse me. I'm familiar with the book. Sorry for the pause, but my colleague Brittany just walked in and she was wearing a terrible perfume. So she was one of it. If you think I like the situation, you're really out of your damn mind.

You don't have the feelings that I have for those kids. You have not had to go through everything that I've had to go through. And I'm so done with this situation because I'm the one who got to be villainized. I went up there as a kindness in my heart to help kind to help those chimps slash children slash better Mother's Day gifters. And if you think I die, if you don't think I live with that every day that I failed those kids, then you are out of your damn mind. And that's a Chevrolet Chevy Malibu happens to jump a curb and run you over. I hope it hits you square on the league on the legs.

Not saying it's going to happen. She's going on this huge like, Hey, you know, not only that, the children, I do it for the children. I'm the only one fighting for the children of this country. Hello? It's this long pause. He never answers. He coughs again.

It's just like this 10 minute pause. Is that all then? Is that it? Can I go now? She's like drops the tears. So, and I like that she has, we see a shot of an end table. There's a little chimp figurine, but next to it is just a generic drugstore picture frame

that just has the photo of the happy couple, the generic stock photo with the couple smiling in it. She didn't even fill it with a photo. She's like, I just like the way they look. Because I really like the frame. You know why? Because this is a representation of me being framed. That's it.

So then Connie calls and Connie's like, I was just checking in this morning. Where are you at? I'm at home. Just a little bit of guys got off the phone with Peewee. And you run them over yet? Well, him and Peter are a bunch of assholes, of course, which I expected, you know, you know, and she's like, yeah, I know it's scary. I want everybody just to leave me alone. Just try to lay low as you can. And I don't trust anybody, not even that Ryan Seacrest. I guess I'll talk to you later.

Okay, love you. So then we go back to the main set piece, the tanning salon. So like how often are you here? It's like, I'm in your about two, three times a week. All right. So then we get various close-ups in tanning bed lighting of Tanya. Yes. The show seriously needs an Oscar for this. This show kills me. So they just show all these

different kinds of artistic shots of her in this like black light or whatever you could, purple light or whatever you call it. And we hear more about her story. And she's like, you know, I'm just, my husband says, why are you, why are you always telling your life story? I didn't say because people want to know where monkey mobile comes from. Did I call myself that? No, other people do. What's it in my high school yearbook? It was, I don't know how it got there. You know, I had nothing to hire because I'm'm just I'm just an open book. I've got nothing to hide, not even I don't know, like a giant primate in my basement. So that's I'm like, why shouldn't I tell my life story? I don't understand why I keep getting the bad guy here.

What? You keep a primate in a tiny cage away from his home habitat and suddenly you're a bad guy. I don't get this world. So then we cut to Jared and Jared's like, we knew that Tonka was still out there. And we vowed that we were going to search exhaustively. Land, sea, air, grass, caves, underground, above ground, around the ground, swimming pools, deserts. We didn't care. We would reach the ends of the earth to find this gym. As did you go to her house?

No, that's, that's just dumb. That doesn't make sense. We are, we are sending a team to Egypt though. You never know. I know the one place they don't look. Well, we, we looked at her driveway and we felt like, no. So, um, they go, he he says he got a call from a psychic, which was the... He said, I knew this would be unpredictable, this case, but the last

thing I was expecting was get a call from a psychic. So now we have Brittany, she's back, and she's like, well, Tanya's friend confided to her psychic that it seemed like Tonka really was alive because Tanya had texted this friend long after Tonka had supposedly died saying that she was out getting groceries for Tonka. So the psychic reached out to us and we were able to submit a subpoena to get copies of those texts. What the fuck kind of psychic is this? I hope the psychic goes out of business. Isn't there some kind of psychic patient privilege that happens? She don't get to just tell on people and it's not even fair because you have information that other people wouldn't even have. Like police, Ronnie is going to murder a gallon of ice cream

tonight. Get him? That's not fair. I haven't even done it. It's like the pre-crimes unit of that Tom Cruise movie. Well, rumor has it that when this friend told the psychic that Tonka was still alive, the psychic said, I knew it. Well, this confirmed, of course, what we already knew. Tonka never really died. And with this evidence, we were able to finally get her back into court to find out what happened to Tonka. That-ka. That's the law and order sound, but it's just in Tonka's name. Tong-ka-tong-ka. So now we're January 5th, 2022, and we're doing a Zoom court case. So they're all zooming into this judge and everything. And Jared is like, by the way, can I just say how funny the Zoom case is? We forget that that's how things

were going. Everybody had to do disaster. It was such a disaster and just watching the Zoom meeting is pure comedy. Just watching them be like, okay, this court is in set. Are we there? Is everybody here? I'm here. I'm here. All right. Is everybody else here? Lawyers? Okay, good. Okay. Here we are. Good morning, Mrs. Haddix. We're here today to get the answer to a very simple question. Where's Tonka? And he says, where's Tonka? And the music, and then he's just staring at her, like staring her down. She's staring him back and you're like, Oh my God. And you think that like she, for a moment, I thought she's going to confess something. She's going to say something. She's

going to say the gig is up. And she goes, you frowse. I was even he's like frozen. The judge is like, Oh, Mr. Goodman is frozen. He is frozen. Oh God. Now everybody's frozen. All right, Tonya, you're frozen. Now it just had Botox today. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. It was on purpose. It was on purpose. So, um, I presume the judge is frozen because this is the part where she asked me why Dolly Parton is speaking for me. She's a little starstruck.

Who you're starstruck and who you're frozen. Okay. Raise your hand. Okay. Consider your backside side judge. Okay. You're welcome. So not guilty. Okay. side judge. Okay, you're welcome. So not guilty. Okay. So, um, they confront her with this information about the psychic and saying Tonka needed groceries. So Tony goes, well, right. Well, you know, which that's a Capuchin of mine. And like, I got a new Capuchin and a rescued Capuchin by the way. And I named him, I named the Capuchin Tonka. So I was getting Tonka new Tonka groceries, which was like, okay, that actually, she's not smooth at all. She's like, ah, ah, well, I thought this was smooth at first. I thought at first I was like,

I was like, okay, that makes sense. But then when they said, and when did you get this conclusion? Then that's when she was like, oh yeah, I have a capuchin on Jan. No, not January, September, spring, summer, July. Yeah, September, July, July, yeah, Christmas, Easter, July, Easter, July, Fourth of July, Fourth of July, Easter, sounds like Easter in July. Yeah.

So Jared's, and Jared, by the way, is not the best because you assume that Jared's like the most competent ever. Cause he's just scary. Like I'm scared of Jared. So I just assume he's going to be super confident, competent, but he's not because she goes, uh, that was another animal named Tonka. And he's like, okay, well, I guess you got us on that one. It's like, he didn't even anticipate that. It was like, all he had was that text. It's like, you didn't even anticipate that it was like all he had was that text. He was like, Oh, you know, everyone was there. Like, I can't believe we were having a court like we all have gathered here for this

stupid ass moment where all you had was a text message. So then, but here's where you really know she is lying because she's been talking about losing these chimps, the entire documentary. She's been straight lays like nothing has no emotion really for anything. And then he's like, okay, so in your emotion, you reiterate that you found Tonka dad. She's like, yeah, why did I say I was asleep and I was sleeping on the lights and he didn't move. He was talking and he wasn't moving. He wasn't moving. He wasn't moving.

I said, Tonky B, Tonky B. And so I called Tonka. I called him Tonky B. Tonky B, come on Tonky. And he wouldn't move. So I got a PVC pipe and I started poking him with the pipe and he still didn't move So I went in and he was gone. He was gone. I put him in my bathroom He was alive. He was even faking it he reached for that M&M and started making out with me. Nothing

I said Tonky B pepperoni pepperoni. He didn't even start masturbating And that's when I knew it was over I said Tonky B I never said I'd be the best mother in the world, but give me some credit for trying. Trying to be the best mother that I knew how to be. Jared's like, wait a minute. I know that speech. I bet you do, Jared. Don't tell your wife. So then Jared and trying Jared, could you please leave me alone?

Stop and wait, make me wear a turban. I feel like god damn Tweety Bird. Oh, terrible donkey, baby. Donkey, I can't do this. The judge is like, okay, okay, let's take a 10 minute recess and everyone calm down, compose yourself. The judge goes, we need to take a minute. She says, okay. Completely drops the sobbing act. All right, we're taking a break. She goes, all right, counsel, we're going to take a minute. She says, Okay. Completely drops a sobbing act. All right, we're taking a break. She goes, All right, Council,

we're gonna take a 10 minute break so you can take a break. And she goes, All right, thanks. Such a fucking bastard. Miss Hattix, I just want to let you know that your microphone is still on. Thank you. Thanks. Sorry. So now they call up. I died. It was amazing. It really is so Jennifer Coolidge. So then they call up

Mr. Goodman. They call up this guy, or I'm sorry, they call up Dr. Frederick Snow. So he comes up on the screen and she goes this guy looks like a real dork. They just told you your mic is still on. So then we get this guy, Dr. Snow, and he's like, I worked in Bosnia, working mass graves for the International Commission of Mission Persons. I worked in Kosovo as an agent for the United Nations, and now I'm working a chimpanzee case.

All right, Dr. Snow, what happened? What happened in Bosnia? What did you do? Could you please tell us how you got here? It's like a whole other documentary. I know. So he goes and he brings a bunch of pig bones to like a crematory and they, you know,

for a few hours, they cremate them. And we see the shot of him just like standing there and the producer goes, how long do we have to wait? He goes, what? You ask me? For what? That? This?

Who said that? Who said that? Who said that? Yeah, basically they, he's like, this lady is such a liar. He's like, okay, look at this. The stuff is incinerated professionally, not just in some fire in the backyard. And it's bones, there's like huge bone fragments and this and that. It doesn't, it's nothing like flour, the consistency of flour.

And he's like, obviously this lady's full of shit. What she presented looks nothing like this stuff. So then we come back to the court and Jared's like, is there any evidence to show that Tonka's body was burned at this location? And Dr. Snow's like, no, it is inconceivable as it's described that this animal was incinerated in this way, in that way, blah, blah, blah. And Tony goes, I got a question for you. Did you ever explore the site? Did you ever ask PETA to explore that site that you're claiming is fake? And he's like, no, and I wasn't asked to explore it. She goes, oh, all right, well, that's all I have for you. I was like, how are they making Tanya look like a mastermind lawyer here? I know.

She's got a good point. Like, you can't take some of the court and say there's no way that was the real burn site, but you never investigated the site. Yeah. Oh. And by the way, we saw so much footage of during the like we left no stone unturned. We saw PETA agents going undercover in so many different places, but the one place they just never went to that they never went to Tanya's house. We got an actual clown from Barnum and Bailey into Tanya's house, but PETA couldn't get

into her house. So then we see an armadillo, a dead armadillo on the road, which as we all, as Mara and I learned, there are many of them in Missouri and the newscast were talking about how, you know, Tanya was crying in court and everything. So finally Judge Perry comes back. She goes, all right, I'm just going to cut to the chase here. I got my entertainment value out of this. I told the other judges I'm going to do this crazy case and it was funny we chuckled, but

I think it's taken too long now. So I'm just going to do that. I'm just going to get to this. Okay. I think there are a lot of inconsistencies and implausible evidence presented by Ms. Haddix and it's my belief that Ms. Haddix makes things up. She's done that consistently and thoroughly. She keeps on saying how her lips are very kissable.

She's the dolly of chimps. You know, she's sort of full of it. But that being said, we don't have enough evidence to say whether or not Tonka is dead. Like I'm not sure that Tonka's alive, but we can't say that he's dead. So I don't know, come back to me in a few weeks. You've got something more for me. Yeah, she's like, I need evidence. What am I supposed to do here? Thanks for the interesting court case. I have no evidence. Sorry. Feel free to come back. Okay? So, Tanya slams the laptop closed and she's like, we won. We won. We did it, Joe. Drinking her. We did it. We did it, Joe.

She grabs that Coke. There's a can of Coke and she starts, she starts chugging it like, she needed it so badly in that moment. And then she turned her husband's there. And he's like, well, you won for now. And she goes, yeah, well, we just got to keep him hidden. I was like, did she just say that on camera? And the husband looked at the camera like, uh, you didn't hear that, right? that on camera. And the husband looked at the camera like, uh, you didn't hear that, right? So she calls Connie, she's like, we want Connie. And then she goes downstairs into the basement and she's got a chimp enclosure in the basement with Tonka. I know that was what was so funny was in my mind, I was like, I can't believe she slipped up like that. And I was like, oh no, this is,

she's just, she's blatantly like, like here it is. I won. Yeah. She was lying to us too. Yeah. She was lying to us too. But she obviously is like, okay, with showing that Tonka is there and I'm sure at that point the, the filmmakers know that Tonka is downstairs. So like, I don't know that, that to me now, that was a twist. That was. That's what I'm saying. Like how is it possible that a show like this at the end of both of the

episodes, they give you such a twist. Also, the fact that they got, they go so dark in this show. It's amazing that they can go as dark as they did in this episode, cause they did not tiptoe around any of the stuff with, uh, Tony, what was it? Monkey's name? What's wrong with Travis? because they did not tiptoe around any of the stuff with, what was it, Monkey's name? What's wrong with that? Travis. The one that got violent and ripped out, Travis, yes.

So they didn't tiptoe around any of that. They made it really, really sad, really, really dark, and they spent a good half an hour in there, 20 minutes to half an hour in there. And then they just pivot right to the comedy of it, showing her in the tanning bed or the tanning salon. I mean, like, or not the, I think it was the animal crackers that were next. But they pivot right

into this pure comedy scene. I don't know how they did it, but it is just great how they're handling it all. I think that they're handling it in a really good way. They're not villainizing her and they're not making her a hero either. They're kind of writing... They're just kind of showing you what's going on. I think it's pretty impressive and the fact that they could get you two twists in two episodes like that, it's crazy. Well, definitely that she has a chimp in the basement is really crazy. No one saw that. It was so inconceivable that PETA didn't even bother going to that house is

wild to me. But yeah, they do vacillate between tragedy, darkness, tragedy and violence, and then camp and comedy pretty effortlessly. But still like, it's still, I will say like this show still strikes some disturbing notes on me in ways that Tiger King didn't like, it's like, there's something really unsettling about all this, but I can't wait to see what happens next. Well, it's very disturbing. Yeah. Yeah, it's very disturbing. But it's also really fun. It's like crazy how they do it. Aren't those the best things? But I just think it's so well done. And the Tiger King, you know, you have to remember

that was really dark too. I mean, there was a lot of horrible stuff happening there. There was like a suicide. Wasn't there a suicide? I think there was. There was the woman who got her arm torn off, but like, I guess the thing is like, I just didn't really see, yeah, given that they're both dark, there was something like, there's just something, you know what it is? There's something about the chimp that presents cute

and cuddly and then does something like the, the biting the face off and the going for the genitals is so there's something about that. That's so horrifying. Like, I don't know why, like it's like, Oh, you went to pet a tiger and your arm got bitten off. It's like, that makes sense. You know, well you almost expect it more from a tiger, I guess, because those are predatory animals that you're like, why is anybody being friends with a tiger? We all know how dangerous that is. Like the kind of, what's that Vegas

couple? Yeah, like Siegfried and Roy. It's like that kind of thing where something dramatic happens and everyone kind of has that like, I told you so vibe about it because they are so dangerous and you're taking such a huge risk. Whereas a chimp is so cute and we're all so trained to think they're so adorable for movies. And also we're chimps, like we're all kind of the same thing, you know? It's like watching us. And so there is that element of like, oh, it's like a child. You do believe it when they say it's like their child. And so to

see it go off the rails like that, it's scary. Yeah, I think it's just, yeah, the delusion is so like, it's dark. I mean, there was delusion in Tiger King where they were like, no, there are big cats. They just like to be caught in your life. What are you doing? But there's like, there's something about this delusion that just feels so dark and really, yeah, truly. We'll see what happens. Great show so far. We hope you guys are enjoying it and we will be back. We'll be back every day. I mean, who are we kidding? I love you guys.

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