Watch What Crappens - #255: Hanky Panky Marriage Fails

Episode Date: January 6, 2016

It’s the first episode of 2016, and what better way to celebrate than by laughing at terrible marriages that will never last! They’re littering our Bravo at the moment, from Vanderpump Rules (upcoming failed marriage), Newlyweds (in progress failed marriages) and Real Housewives of Atlanta (dead before they began marriage brew). Enjoy! Timestamps: Opening and New Year’s Resolutions 12:00 Crappens Mailbag 18:00 Newlyweds Season 3 58:00 Real Housewives of Atlanta 1:28:00: Vanderpump Rules ------------------- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com ---------------------- Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors, Marvin Jay and Christy Doherty. We love you. Hello everybody, welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the brobs. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV.

And here with me is the gorgeous, newly-eared, handsome-faced, perfect-eyebrowed Ben Mandelka of the B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender Podcast. Hello, Ben. Hello, Ronnie. Are you keeping dry today on this rainy Los Angeles afternoon? Hell yeah! Somebody kidnapped Bueller! Well, a friend took him to Calabasas, so I don't have Bueller at the moment. And I've been really sad about it because I miss my little man. But it's amazing to not have to walk the dog in the rain. Yeah.

Although, you know, what's funny is that I drove by you on Sunday morning, and I thought you were standing outside your building. And so I thought you were walking Bueller. I just assumed. That was my phantom limb. That was my phantom Bueller. Oh, you were walking a ghost. You were walking a ghost. That's how Bueller feels because he's the only one that people can see in this neighborhood.

Actually, I was standing outside smoking a real cigarette because now I vape this dessert shit all day instead of smoking. But some days I need to go outside and just smoke a real cigarette. But I'm clearing out my apartment and getting it ready so I can have people over and stuff so there will be no smoking near this apartment. And my landlady was like, you need to go out on the street. I don't want to smell that outside the apartment. I'm like, okay, Burbank.

So now I smoke on the street so now i see all sorts of people and they honk at me and you know call me the f word okay so anybody welcome to the watch what crappens podcast first show of 2016 we're totally sober it's a rainy day and it's gonna be a mess anyway yeah i feel very messy today it's the to be a mess anyway. Yeah, a huge mess. I feel very messy today. It's the new year. I cleared myself of so much rage. And it's already built back up. Thanks, Bravo. You guys can find us on Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens.

That is where we talk crap with you guys all week about the shows. There's live show threads to talk about. Everything is posted there. It's a good hub. So go there. And thank you to everybody who posts there. Because it's really good morning poop reading. It's a good hub. So go there. And thank you to everybody who posts there because it's really good morning poop reading. It's replaced the news in terrorism.

It's great. Watchwhatcrappens.com has all of our links. Slowly but surely getting up, getting the new site ready. It's taking forever, which will shock nobody. And also, patreon.com slash watch what crap ends.

That's where you can become a premium subscriber. When you subscribe premiumly, just watch the workout, so I'll be making up stupid words all day. You can get our bonus episodes. Today's bonus episode, we talked about cereal because we have not discussed that yet. And then we kind of intro'd the new show on Netflix called How to Make a Murderer. No, no, Making a Murderer. Making a Murderer.

How to Get Away with Making a Murderer. I'm trying to, I started watching it over the weekend, and I'm giving Ronnie homework to watch this. That way we can do a deep dive on next week's bonus episode. And you know what? All of you guys should do a deep dive, too, because it's so good. And are you watching,

should I watch the entire season by then? Like what episodes do you want to do up until? The whole thing? The whole season. Oh, fuck yeah. Challenge accepted. 10 hours and you won't be able to stop unless you're like me,

in which case I did stop because I had things to do. But we also talked about The Great British Baking Show, which is also very riveting in its own way. case i did stop because i had things to do but um we also talked about the great british baking show which is also very riveting in its own way no and just as just as murder can be fascinating so can watching baklava being made so yes british baking show yeah in a tent with like little british women i like that nowhere in britain will let anybody film so they're always like walking in a park or filming in a tent there's no restaurant filming

in the country yeah um we also talked about city council meetings which was really fun like we had maybe too much fun and then we said fu to whole foods a lot so come listen to that uh last uh the last few have been so well they're actually all pretty fun those bonus episodes yeah almost every single one of them is really fun and entertaining in its own way and last week we posted a bunch of the ringers and stuff that are premium subscriber ringers and there's free ones so if you want the free ones and you're not a subscriber yet uh come over to uh I guess, Facebook. They're still on there.

You can find the download link there. The ringers are so fun. They're put up for January. So come get your ringers. Do all that stuff. And thank you to everybody who is supporting us on Patreon. We love you. We've got a humongous show today because we've got three, count them, three shows to discuss

today instead of our normal two. Oh, I thought you were going to say it's going to be a huge show today because the Coachella lineup just came out and we have to go through every single band. I don't even understand Coachella. Look, I'm an old person. I turn on Spotify. I'm like, why is every song about a butt or somebody needing somebody to want to bone them? somebody like needing somebody to want to bone them and then i end up turning the song so many times that i have to listen to ads over and over because you're only allowed to skip a certain number i just what i'm saying is i could not be in a music festival in today's time because i would

just want to fast forward every stupid fucking song yeah you know what i say just sit in your living room put your headphones in and just listen to music that way it's just as good yeah i get everything late you know like i'll hear it in a ross dress for less i just heard the adele song for the first time over christmas hello that one yes i'd never heard it because i don't play music in my house and i never leave my house so like when am i gonna hear it but finally i needed a bathroom rug. So I went to Ross and I heard it. So good. The gays were freaking out because over the weekend,

Celine Dion did a, did a cover of it. And it was like, it was good, but people are really like, you know, just because it's Celine Dion doesn't mean it's automatically amazing. It was actually kind of funny.

Cause she's like, hello. She's like, hello from the other side you know i love me so silly way yeah i love both of them but i've heard a lot of the gays being like you know cheer up adele you're rich you're famous why are you still bitching i love a semi-fat miserable adele okay i do not want a happy adele happy adele leads to songs like, I'm trying to think of a happy Adele song.

I can't even think of one. Can you? Yeah, no, no. Like, rumor has it maybe, and that song sucks. But even that, oh yeah, that one is kind of a good one because she ends up cheating with the guy that cheated on her for some other chick. So that one's kind of good, I guess,

if that's a happy song. I mean if that's your happiness getting getting a good revenge lay then i'm all for it i love you adele you just keep eating keep not eating keep i don't even care what you're doing stay miserable that's how i love you darling i love i love that the gays are turning on adele because that's the true sign that you've made it is when the gays you know first are like doing like like slashing their their their chest for you you know and bleeding out for you and then suddenly be like fuck you and turn their back and walk away and hello lady gaga fickle pickles yeah fickle pickles you've made it a lady gaga kind of deserved it but it's not like her music took a huge dive from where it was before it's always been perfectly serviceable i just didn't like that she was kind of a madonna ripoff but then she won me over when she did the tony bennett

thing but then she lost me again when she did the you know american horror story thing yeah i don't know i just can't decide because i'm one of them well i mean pickle as well i mean with lady gaga her music did go downhill it became very generic although she had that great duet with r kelly but the gays really turned on her they're like whatever gaga is so old gaga is so so over that i was like so too and it's like dude like lady gaga is like a such a champion for the gays you may not like her music anymore but don't just like just throw her out with the trash well there's a reason that shara's face looks like a kevlar vest at this point all right the woman has been through it with us poor thing she's like a a war ravaged little country that face right god bless her heart all right so none of that

speaking of gay icons speaking of ravaging icons speaking of war-torn, ravaged faces, let's talk about Bravo. Yes. So it's a new year for Watcher Crappens. And in the spirit of new year resolutions or projects or looking forward to 2016, we actually have a goal for this year that I think we can pull off. We actually have a goal for this year that I think we can pull off. It's similar to a goal that we had last year, but we kind of went about the goal last year perhaps the wrong way. So last year, we wanted to get Chrissy Teigen onto the podcast because she's a big Bravo fan. So we told everyone, go out and tweet at Chrissy Teigen to get her to come on. We don't know for sure if she really saw those tweets or whatever,

but she did write a tweet that seemed to indicate that she received the tweets and was pissed off and was like, everyone stop tweeting about this stupid podcast to me. Her goal was even worse.

She was like, listen, I want everybody to stop tweeting me about their stupid fucking podcast. I was like, whoa, bitch. First of all, we didn't tweet you, so get off our ass. Second of all, hope you listen to it because I called you a dumb whore like 30 times before anybody even tweeted you, which might have been our problem. So this next person I'm not going to call a stupid whore. Yeah. So we decided we are going to set our bar higher and we're going to try to go about this in a smarter way. Our goal for 2016 is to get Jennifer Lawrence to come on to our podcast and talk about Bravo with us because she apparently is a huge Bravo fan.

And to do this, though, we're not going to pester her with a bunch of tweets. Because the thing is, even though we know our audience is cool, they have no idea who we are. And so when they get a bunch of tweets

from a bunch of people from across the country being like, oh my God, you should listen to this podcast. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jeez, stop spamming me. So we don't know how we're going to do this.

We're going to find a way. But we... Yeah, I literally have zero ideas i'm waiting we're hoping that of our in our vast audience that someone knows jennifer lawrence or knows someone who knows someone or knows her pr person or knows this person that we want to uh we want to mobilize our fan base in a smart way. We want to go through back alleys. I just can't wait to ask Jennifer

Lawrence, how does the Hunger Games end? Because I still haven't seen it. She'll be all flattered. We'll be like, can you talk to us about Winter's Bone? So that is the goal. It's J-Law quests. And we will give updates as we have them. But if anyone knows J-Law or knows how we can get her attention and make her realize this is a safe place

and that it would be really fun to chat and talk about Bravo with with her then um then that would be awesome so get to work listeners help us out gotta have a goal also i need a new sectional if anybody knows have a place for a good discount that's my personal goal okay and we can talk to jennifer lawrence on skype while i sit on it and say wow what a good deal thank god for this podcast yes yes all right so what show do you what show do you want to start with my little benjaminius um uh why don't we before we even start with the shows we can just start with did you hear it this week remember last week you didn't hear it so it was a strange i hear it this week?

Remember last week you didn't hear it, so it was a strange silence. I heard it this week, yes. So actually, our Crabbins Mailbag question segues into a show that we can start with. The question, let me refresh in case there's another question. Oh, actually, there's a few questions here. Okay. So, okay. Oh, actually, there are a few questions here. Okay. So, okay. Oh, it's refreshing.

So Catherine asks. Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm trying to figure out which one. We'll do this one. We'll start with Deborah Howard's question. She asks, if the Sir Cook's hand slapping after Kristen fired happened in 2015, Do you think they deserve an honorable crappy?

All were good choices, though. I think we can give the line cooks an honorable crappy for slapping high five after Kristen was fired. That's the worst presentation ever. We're like, I guess. All right, there's your honorable mention, okay? For outstanding perseverance at a terrible job and seeing justice. I would have given them a full-on ceremony if they had once poisoned the family meal while Kristen was working there. But otherwise, no.

I mean, unless you poison that bitch's goat cheese empanada. No honorable mention for you no honorable mention okay so we're sort of split on that one well who knows we'll see what they do the rest of the season on Vanderpump Rules and maybe they can worm their way into the 2016

crappies so the next question comes from Catherine she asks this is in this is pertains to Newlyweds, the first year, season two. She says, would you confess to a 14-person Brazilian orgy three days before your wedding? And would this strengthen your relationship? And also, would you do this on camera? That was amazing.

The guy did it with a huge smile on his face, too. He's like, hey, hey, hey, babe. Remember when I told you I hadn't cheated on you? Well, I had. Like with 20 people in Brazil with my dad. And 14 of them were hookers. Like, dude, what the hell? And he did it behind closed doors, which was hilarious.

He's like, we got to talk. Let's go into the room and close the door. So stupid. It was so stupid. To me, that entire thing was so staged. He was smiling the entire time. And she's like, what? What do you have to talk to me about?

And then she's like, eh. And then she runs out. She sort of has a smile on her face, but she's covering her face. She storms out the front door. The front door is already open as if there had already been. The whole scene had been shot already and the door hadn't closed. The door is open. Her purse was on the floor next to the front door which was weird it was like a really sloppy retake it was i mean it was bad break down and start sobbing again we didn't quite

get that just leave your purse by the door no one will know yeah no that was so fake i don't think if you're going to be enough of a bastard to sleep with 14 prostitutes, like cheat with 14 prostitutes on your fiancé, I don't think you're suddenly going to reveal it like three days before your wedding. Unless you just don't want to get married. Do I think that would make the relationship stronger? No. I don't. Not that I think

he shouldn't have confessed. Maybe not right before the wedding, but no. If you know that your man admits right before you get married that he just boned 14, well, not just, but he boned 14 prostitutes in Brazil. And he's doing that to be honest, because that matters more than anything. And then you still marry him. Guess what he's going to do? Sleep with more prostitutes.

Yeah. And then he's going to apologize. And then you're going to cry. And then he's going to sleep with more prostitutes. And then you're going to cry. Listen, girl. gonna sleep with more prostitutes and then you're gonna cry listen girl your man sleeps with prostitutes that's it you don't just lose a craving for prostitutes okay yeah go on a diet but at the end of the day you still want a little debbie i'll tell you who the real victims are here the prostitutes because they had to sleep with him

oh my god talk about honorable crappies the 14 brazilian prostitutes who made it through that one yeah yeah i yeah i mean i mean it's they're the ones who it's like i i wonder who are they gonna be able to tell like they're gonna tell their husband like well honey you know how i'm a prostitute they're like yeah yeah no i'm okay with that well i had to sleep with this guy and this is what he looks like like oh shit no our wedding our relationship's done that guy has actually ruined prostitutes relationships yeah she's like i'm going into banking i've reached a low i can't do this anymore and he lives in phoenix oh you slept with a guy who lives in phoenix that guy sucks okay we'll get more into that and how much he sucks soon because yeah there's nothing i love more in life

than a terrible relationship yeah so we get to talk about all of that very soon all right what's next so thanks guys that's it so thanks guys for writing into the mailbag. Little mailbag today. Mailbag, mailbag, mailbag. Maybe there'll be more questions on Thursday. Help me, mailbag. Help mailbag. Mailbag needs some help. Other people write in more so we have questions to answer on Thursday.

That's so funny. Okay, so what do you want to start with? We've got Real Housewives of Atlanta. We've got Vanderpoop Drools and Newlywed Season 3. What do you decide? Well, I say we start with Newlyweds just because it's new. It's already talking about it, yeah. I'm writing this down in our show notes.

Okay, this is minute 18. Welcome to Newlyweds at minute 18. Yeah. Okay, Newlyweds. Where's my notes? Because this show, this is furious scribbling. I was trying to clean and do this, and I was like, I'm not going to take too many notes. So the show's not 20 hours. But then I't stop writing i now what are your generals well i didn't

take notes because i was like you know the thing is when we take notes we go on and on and on about these shows so i at this point i only take notes for like the big ones like manor pump rules or atlanta so for this one i was like i'm just gonna watch it and just whatever sticks with me is whatever's gonna stick okay so i'll start i did not we don't have to go for an hour about this show okay let's just talk about the basic couples so first let's start with this persian princess chick yes this is a great way to i mean this is effing gorgeous she's marrying some guy who looks like i mean i'm glad he said because i I was like, that's a drug addict. He has a certain lizard quality to himself.

He looks actually like what I imagine Kim Richards' son is going to grow up to be. Oh, well, I think he's kind of hot. Is that hot or not? Well, you said he's a lizard and a Richards, but I still think he's kind of hot. Is that weird? I don't know. I don't find him hot because I find him to be, he seems very much like an asshole control freak. don't find him hot because i find him to be he seems very much like an asshole control freak i mean you know we've seen these movies before where there's a guy who has a house in malibu

and it's a sleek house and everything's wonderful but then it turns out he is a control freak and turns like cameras on alarm systems and then the girl can never get out he is an asshole now admittedly her family is is perhaps not great because they have been um not they have not been supportive of this wedding because this romance was founded in um adultery because i love it okay so just to tell people who haven't watched it yet just a real quick bio on these two yeah he's like 20 years older than her they're both real estate agents he's been married twice she had a perfect persian wedding to some dude that lasted four months and they met at a real estate agents he's been married twice she had a perfect persian wedding to some dude that lasted four months and they met at a real estate conference at some marriott somewhere and

ended up boning and then uh so they had sex and boned and then after she was like what am i gonna do i'm married and he's like zoinks so then she went and divorced the guy for this guy and then she's like and then my family like now they resent me uh yeah because they just threw you a huge fucking wedding and you embarrass the whole family by cheating within four months and then going off with some other control freak that's why stupid and she keeps saying like i don't get it like i did everything where's my family deserting me uh you're turning her into reza oh i know that's so persian that's that's tara's voice will be female reza that's so persian she doesn't sound anything like that

by the way so she's deservedly in my opinion getting shit from her family so now she's already marrying this other guy who's been married twice he's obviously a control freak he doesn't hide it yeah he is he's scary to me he has like a psychotic eyes and his whole thing is that tara's family has been totally like um they've been totally unsupportive of this wedding and so therefore only three of them get to come to the wedding i'm like that is not how you that's not that's not how you do it like that's that's, it's that whole, like, I can't believe they would, like, not support me in this and therefore I'm going to cut them out. Like, that mentality is the classic, you know, it's me versus them sort of thing, which is, it's standard codependent manipulative slash, like, mental, like, you can see it going down the path to being mentally abusive. Well, he doesn't even hide the fact that he is that's what's so funny because it's not even manipulation he's a

control freak asshole and she comes from a family of controlled freak assholes and so she's gonna be attracted to that no matter what like she complains about her first persian wedding well what was her problem with that that he was a controlling fucking asshole and now she's married a controlling fucking asshole it's like congrats and she's trying to be this rebel and so she's dating this older white dude and it's this big controversy in the family i don't know that it's a controversy that is a white dude it's a controversy that you left yeah anyway he's rude to the parents too the mom The mom's like, well, I just want Persian music, Persian food, Persian man, Persian everything for my daughter. And he's like, yeah, go fuck yourself, you old slag. You're going to maybe get a piece of cake if I'm nice.

And we're not having belly dancers, OK? What do you want, belly dancers? She's like, yes, this would be nice. He's like, no, no belly dancers. Instead, your daughter has hired strippers. What the hell with these people? She literally hired strippers. Burlesque.

Well, first of all, they're having their wedding at La Boheme, which is already questionable. Okay. Like, I think any wedding that's held on the fringes of Boys Town is going to be in trouble. in trouble but also on top of that he i mean the mom the mom is like okay like i want like some representation of my culture to be there he's like yeah no we can play like a persian song during cocktail hour we can do that it's like totally condescending um and i understand perhaps the idea that they're they're being tough they're making it difficult for her and that it gives him resentment but that's you this is a family you're marrying into you know and like that's not this is that's not how you deal with it i'm i'm sorry okay he doesn't care wasn't he the one saying that he um i think i'm not sure if it was him i hope it was because

my notes now i can't find where we're going because we're not going in order but uh i think he was the one who said his father died and he doesn't have a relationship with his mother exactly so when he said that i was like zero respect for the parents exactly i'm sure i'm sure the family you know the way he says it the family's making it difficult for them but probably the family's making it difficult because they're like this guy's an asshole you know they're like you know he's you can see he's totally driving the wedge between her and her family. I mean, it's so, it's, it's, ugh. And she said, she has Bravo English, the Persian princess. She's like, in my culture, you just don't, oh, God.

Oh, she said, when you cheat in the Persian culture, it's shunned upon. Which, great English, first of all. Second of all, when you cheat in any culture, it's shunned. You're shunned. Okay. It's looked down upon if you cheat. I'm shunned down upon. And also, you'd probably be stoned to death.

So I get that we're like a little more relaxed here, but not that much more relaxed. Jesus Christ, lady, four months. And then she's also totally offensive to her.'s kind of the rebel you know and i get it like she's rebelling against the old country mentality yeah and um from someone with old country mentality and you and you also like you cheated on this guy who i don't i mean i don't know anything about the ex but you cheated on him with a dude a former drug addict with control issues who uh no longer has a relationship with his mother like you know i think that's a red flag for most parents regardless of culture yes and she's as kind of hoey as possible just to piss off her parents and it's so funny it's like how old are you drop it

okay whatever bitterness you have go to therapy let it go hug your mom i mean jesus and they're making the mom sound like she's this terrorist and she's not she's trying to be supportive you know yeah and she tries on her wedding dress and she says well you know i paid a lot of money for these tits i want them to show more in my wedding dress and then her poor mom is sitting there like maybe tiara she's like i hated it i wore a tiara the last one and this time i want to i don't want to wear a tiara oh mom like she's rebelling against her mom with the dumbest things it's like okay let your tits hang all over the place you know she talks about her period she's like everything she does i feel like is just trying to get back at her mom which you know look obviously i'm into that but the mom seems actually

sweet and the mom's like maybe tiara and she goes my mom is showing no emotion yes she is you're not looking close enough she's fucking horrified is that she's probably bored they probably were there for like four hours the mom's bored mom's like why don't you just wear your other wedding dress at this point? No kidding. I mean, she says, my family got to plan the first one. And this time they're not as supportive. They just planned this, what, a year ago? Give them a break.

Planning a wedding is hard. Your mother is not an executive producer, bitch. Yeah, exactly. So that's them. That's not going to go well, that couple. No, disaster. But, you know, that is definitely one of those couples where they're both awful people, and I hope they're miserable together. So have fun with that.

By the way, the sun has come out. I'm really furious. It's supposed to be a rainy day today, and the sun is out. I know. It's supposed to rain until 5, and then tomorrow it starts again at 8. It's like on a regular work schedule. It's weird. Seriously?

Seriously? Seriously, weather? So the next couple, why don't we go on to Craig Ramsey and Brandon Liberati, who are the gays. I'm happy to announce that my Street of a Thousand stars continues to expand its resident portfolio.

Actually, these guys don't live on my street, but they live up the street. They're like on Franklin and Fuller. They're actually close to good old Matt Woodfield. But they're just up there, right up the corner. I feel like I'm just on Rodeo Drive, but like the crap version. You're on Rodeo Drive. I'm on Rodeo. There's a Rodeo and there's like the crap version. You're on Rodeo Drive. I'm on Rodeo. Because there's a Rodeo and there's a Rodeo.

So you're on Rodeo Drive. It's all the broken down stores no one's going into anymore. Those gays, okay, cute gays. And they're also, by the way, I'd like to add that they are also regulars of the Tiago Coffee Shop, which, as we all know, is kind of my place. which as we all know is kind of my place i'd like to point out that they are total stereotypes yes which normally really bugs me on these shows but i think they're so fucking adorably stereotypical and i want to like air hug them like i don't want to hug them because i feel like i'd smell like i don't know nivia cream and i don't know old spice yes so i don't want to like hug them hold them but i want to you know air hug them and be like you're so cute from a distance

don't come near me gays yeah it's it's weird i have like conflicting feelings because of all the couples that we saw this was the most functional this was the most this is the sweetest the most loving uh they they did just seem like two lovely guys but they were so stereotypically gay and i started to like i found myself cringing and i'm like why am i i'm like is this like self-loathing gay coming out because i'm like i don't want to i don't want to act on self-loathing gay concepts but when they're sitting there like talking like the gay couple from modern family it's like you can't help but be like okay guys seriously this you're being ridiculous now why does it have to be a self-loathing gate why can't that just be a normal loathing game yeah like is

that do i have to be totally secure but then i'm like to just feel regular loathing i know but then i'm like what am i mad about but there's just something about it that's almost like precious. I remember the first time that we walked down a sidewalk together, and I thought, this sidewalk is not just a sidewalk. It's a path for our lives. That's what I felt. And you're like, ugh. But then you're like, but it's so sweet.

But then I'm like, ugh, but it's also bothering me. I'm like Gollum. I'm like, my precious. No, don't take it, it my precious that's how i feel like we're back and forth this is like gollum being married to yoda but both of them are trying to have faces like lisa vanderpump i don't know how to explain this couple but i'm really liking them one of them is an ex-broadway chorus boy and everything he does is like lyrics from my fair lady or uh they get married in palm springs like every stereotype the other it's like it's like pippin is going through his head at all times the day it's like gotta find my corner of the sky it's like on loop his whole life he has

to get a haircut and uh his boyfriend's a hairdresser, of course. And so he's like, honey, the dog has to go to the groomer. And so do you. You need to hurry up or we're not going to have time. And he's like, honey, you're Edward Scissorhands. You'll cut my hair in two cuts of eight. Or two counts of eight. So cute. And annoying, too.

But also really cute. And he's like, I'm a fitness expert. And so it's my job to look really hot at all times. And then they have a cut to him. Was he on Grand Norton? He's on some show. And they cut to him doing his fitness routine. And he's skipping around the cubicles.

I mean, just dying. I thought he was so funny. And then his husband, the hairdresser, is cutting his long hair off. And he gives him bangs so now they both have these matching bangs and then they're doing their interviews and the hairdresser is a huge crier so everything he starts sobbing and crying oh i don't know i really like them i was laughing no i like them too i like them the most it's just weird i i feel like i'm gonna i'm gonna be working through something as I watch their relationship.

Bravo worked me through so much gay shit. It really did. Talking on this show, I've liked Ghost so much of it. Yeah, it's like, you know, I recognize that they're like the sweetest and the nicest, but there's something that irks me about them, and I think it has less to do with them and more to do with me. You know? me about them and I think it has less to do with them and more to do with me you know it's like because there's just something where there's like that measured

measured precious gay thing that sometimes can like it feels almost like ultra formal I don't know I can't describe it well like you feel like if you're going to like a cocktail party of what they should be if you went to a party at their

place everything would be like just almost so perfect and like it'd be almost like you couldn't let loose but i bet that's not true at all but i don't know There's something that I'm like, I can't describe it. Like this overly earnest, like, I don't know. I can't describe it. I'm going to have to hone my thoughts on it. And they really embrace like the old Queenie part. Yes. The show tunes singing, you know, which I mean, I ain't judging that. But they're, I don't know, getting married in Palm Springs. One's a hairdresser.

And they, their romantic story, they tell their romantic story like it's this amazing love story. And basically they were both at the gym. Cruising. And one of them went up to the other one while he was ordering a protein shake. And he goes, I tapped him on the shoulder. And then he turned around and I said, are you contemplating a pre-workout shake? And then they just smile at each other. And then the crier starts crying.

I'm like, really? That's it? Have you fallen in love with every waiter that you've ever had? How is that romantic? I was trying to think, is that an urban dictionary thing? Contemplating a pre-workout shake? Is he offering him a blowjob in the steam room before? Like, what is, is this deeper than this?

Nope. He was really asking him that. And then they fell in love. And then, oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead. I was going to say, I think that maybe one of the things that where it gets, makes me like roll my eyes is that they kind of talk in HR speak, you know? Like you know that there's like a way if you're working in human resources, you have to say things in certain ways and you have to like be – it's that measured thing. Again, where you are like – there's just a way of talking that is – you just want to say like – just say it normally, you know?

You just want to say like, just say it normally, you know, and that's kind of like there is sort of like the brand of gay that talks like that, you know, in this like ultra aware to the point of a non-annoyance style. And you just and I probably am guilty of it, too. But but when they do it, it's like that mixture of like old queen meets HR speak that sometimes makes me be like like oh but they're so nice i really shouldn't they're very yes they're very guarded i think what gives me hope is that everybody at the beginning of a reality show is guarded and then you get to see them bloom into little bitches they're bitch flower blooms you know and you see that i mean that's going to happen immediately um but they do hit all the points. Like, one's a victim. He got gay bashed one time because he was walking gay in Utah. And then one has daddy issues.

And then, you know, like, they have the typical kind of victim issues that you need to be a gay on Bravo. But I think the secret to their relationship was in their vows. And it explains so much to me that I'm actually, I love some codependency. And I love a relationship based on terrible things. And this one, they wrote their vows, themselves obviously. And one of them said, the minute I knew I was in love with you was on date three when you told me about trying to commit suicide. And I was like, um, really? I waited for the mom blast.

Wow. Wow. That was when you fell in love with the guy who was going to commit suicide and now you can take care of him forever. That is so sick on so many levels. And the fact that you think that's romantic enough to tell a room full of people yeah it's amazing i cannot want wait to watch your asses i know go at it by the way i have to give a huge um huge huge huge though uh thank you to bravo for finally giving us a big old hunky piece of man meat for the token gay on a show

because if there's anything we know about casting directors on TV if they're going to put a gay guy up there it's almost always going to be some like twink some mincing twink and I'm just glad that we get to see a different facet of gayness

aka just a muscly thor type i i approve too much all i see is gigantic poops you know that they have a plunger next to that toilet at all times because there is some massive protein shake poops coming out of those guys they're enormous and they're these humongous dudes and then they're like and they get me to the church on time. I'm like, oh, Lord. That's why in porn when it's, oh, I'm sorry for talking about porn, you guys. I know it always leads there.

But we all have a relationship to discuss. So in porn where they're like those big, huge guys, they're always like, yeah, bro. Yeah. And they sound so phony. That's why. Because that's what they sound like in real life. It's true. that's what they sound like in real life like yeah it's true it's true um well i still i i am i'm thankful for the eye candy that is craig ramsey and so craig

you can speak in all your hr voice and pippin pippin inspired inflections as you want just keep on doing your day job which is looking good and i'll. Oh, Craig, can't wait to watch you break down, hon. Okay, so the next couple up is, I guess we should go with the guy we were talking about in the mail bag. Yes, so I want to say that the next two couples, I felt were very scripted and fake. So we'll start here with Adonis and Erica. His name is Adonis. He's overweight, kind of busted, smiles smiles for no reason i'm obsessed with him

smiles for no reason he does there's always a reason to smile no he's he he smiled while he told his fiance that he fucked 14 hookers that's because it was a stage scene and he doesn't know how to do a stage scene yet so he's smiled through his stage scene that's why that entire you know these two i thought were so boring so his grandfather is a uh comedian and his dad is a polyamorous dude um who apparently sent naked photos of his girlfriend to Erica, the fiance. So it's a whole – it's all sorts of fucked up situation. And since he was around a famous comedian his whole life, he thinks that the key to life is treating women like pieces of meat.

And he says in his couple interview, he says they're asking when they knew they were in love or whatever. And he's like, you know what, babe?'re asking when they knew they were in love or whatever. And he's like, you know what, babe? You know when I knew I was in love with you? Huge smile on his face. I had sex with so many women and I just wanted them to leave. But after I had sex with you, I wanted you to stay. Wow.

Wow. That's really romantic. What is this girl seeing this douchebag? What does she see? I mean, she's a cute girl, which I know that's like the worst thing to say, you know, like to,

to say the number one reason why she deserves someone better. It's like, well, she's cute, you know? No, but she seems, she seems halfway intelligent.

She's cute. I am still going to put that up there. And she seems, I don't know, kind of friendly. So what, like, why is she messing around with this asshole

but because they have a she's broken and she has dead eyes that's what i wrote about her i'm like she he's smiles for nothing and she has dead eyes this couple is doomed i can't wait and i think she just wants to lock someone down i think she has that i think she just wants to lock someone down and i think secretly she's happy about this revelation because now she can always hold it over his head that he slept with 14 strippers and prostitutes well she i felt kind of bad for her because she i think she's a lot younger right she looks like a teenager yeah she looks like she just had her bat mitzvah and he's talking about oh i was so rich because who knows he's like i bought my first lamborg I bought my first Lamborghini when I was 20. I'm like, oh, shut up.

He sold a little company. Yeah, his whole life is about money and fucking people. Oh, and by the way, he went to jail for a year because he was illegally selling third-party stuff. And on top of that, he got a cease and desist but kept on selling it so this guy has terrible terrible judgment i don't know what she's doing this guy's an effing moron okay he's like i got a cease and desist but i thought i was still within my rights and then i went to jail and she's the only person who stood by me even my own family didn't stand by me what family

wants to stand by someone that stupid you know it's like my my son's in jail why did he kill somebody no he got some cease and desist about selling illegal software but he kept doing it anyway no one's gonna get respect at least a murderer's family can be like well you know my son has some balls and now he's in jail yeah yeah this could be the next netflix series called making a software pirate making a failed software pirate yeah exactly how he was framed by the local police i just think of him as that guy who's always putting that mac update software pop-up ad that automatically down yeah you know that's exactly that's exactly what he does he totally makes like shifty ass

software but you know what though it's really it actually gives me a lot of hope because if someone like this guy can still nab that girl then there's hope for everyone well you just need to be a more terrible well you've already nabbed a man. And I can't be more of a terrible person. So that shoots that theory out of the water. All right. Who's next? They're terrible.

I mean, she's adorable. But she's terrible for putting up with that idiot. And then she said, and we moved to Phoenix because it's where we can afford a house. That's not why you moved to Phoenix. I mean, Jesus Christ. Moved to Phoenix because you like the fact that everything's pink. Or you really like stucco. Or you like that it's 130 degrees outside.

But just because that's where you can afford a house? Terrible reason. And you probably also can't afford the house, I want to add. You know that the bomb's going to fall out and they're going to get foreclosed on. I mean, that's where it all happens. It's like you go to going to fall out and they're going to get foreclosed on. I mean this is – that's where it all happens. It's like you go to Phoenix to get foreclosed. Yes. My goal is to take out a subprime mortgage in Phoenix and live there for a year and then be kicked out.

That's like the new American dream, a year of home living. Oh, God. I'm sorry. I just saw Inside Job and my brain is all about about subprime mortgages and CDOs. Way to stay current. Well, no, because it was inspired by The Big Short. Oh, The Big Short. I wanted to see that.

I haven't seen it yet, but I have a new fascination with the 2008 financial crisis. And honestly, Inside Job, it's a documentary that won the Academy Award about the whole crisis, how it started and everything. It is amazing, and everyone should watch that too. I am on a big documentary. Between this and Making a Murderer,

and I guess you could say Great British Bake Off is a documentary about baking. Not really. I'm in. I'm in it. And also this one, and obviously this one which is

totes real totes real speaking of which we have rob and rochelle also super scripted so rob is like this cute um he's sort of he's he's got like sort of like that guido quality he's they live in hoboken he's got like that that hot Hoboken kind of thing. You know what I'm talking about? Yes, he's got that manzoed before they expired look. You know how the manzos are all really cute, and then something happens, and then they just curdle? Yeah.

It's like that look. Yes. He's on the edge of that. So he's really cute. But he and Rochelle, who is also an equally cute lady, we get to see some slices of life with them and he's like putting on a bow tie with no shirt he's like i could do it i could do it i'm gonna help no i'm gonna do it oh fine you do it it's like this fake patter that's very much like their audition tape it's like okay we get it you're already on the

show you don't have to like be over the top with putting on a bow tie like i hate that shit yeah she has a fashion blog called blogerella and it's all selfies of you know herself obviously what else is a selfie of but it's not a selfie it's someone else taking a picture with an iphone much as we see on bravo blog i love this new trend of bravo stars starting fashion blogs as if it's some like they've literally created a new like Fortune 500 company. Here's me in new boots. Here's me in new sunglasses. Here's me in skinny jeans. Bitch, I'm not going to that blog.

Get an Instagram like everybody else. Yeah, exactly. I mean, listen, Ron and I both have blogs. Okay, we get it. We understand the fun and the thrill of it. But you can't be acting like it requires an MBA to start a blog. Okay, all you do is you sign up on WordPress, you start putting photos up and then you know, look at comments. That's all you do. of what i'm wearing from old navy that day that's a different i mean i don't know it's not all the same thing we don't have bloggerellas yeah that's true that's true or pop you know jaw cruncher or whatever the hell that's geneva pop daily geneva pop daily so they're interesting he seems like uh he's on too many energy pills and she seems like oh cliff like she's amused that

he's such a goofball yeah and he he describes them as jay-z and beyonce which look any couple that describes themselves that way i automatically hate you and can't wait to watch you crash and burn much like the real jay-z and be although mostly just j mostly just Jay-Z because Beyonce came out with that album after they got married. And it's all songs about Jay-Z. And he's kind of an asshole if you listen to the songs. He's like a very distant, controlling dick. So F you, Jay-Z. I can't wait till your relationship crashes and burns and Beyonce comes out with an amazing album about it.

Yeah. Comes out with an amazing album about it. Yeah. I actually feel a little bad for Rob. Because I think Rochelle's mom. Has like screwed her up. Because Rochelle's like. I was thinking about inviting dad to the wedding.

And the mom's like. Well no. Because what happens if he says he's going to come. And then he doesn't come. And then you're disappointed. I don't want you to feel disappointed. I'm like wow. That's like so fucked up. Like let her invite him. And then if he disappoints her she'll be

disappointed but like this whole idea of like preventative like avoiding like prevent preventative action to avoid disappointment and at like the father's expense i don't know you can see that this woman has totally turned the daughter against the father well also like the dad leaving them and abandoning her. Well, there's that too, but you can see that this woman's an adult, though. She doesn't need to get her mom's approval to invite her dad.

If she wants to invite her dad to the wedding, she should invite the dad to the wedding. Well, I think the mom's just being like, well, he's just going to hurt you again. Which you're right, is shitty, but I'm sure that's probably true i mean jesus oh yeah i mean it's probably true but it's but i just think that like the mom saying that it's like i i don't know i you can set you i feel like it's probably been

many years of that sort of mentality of like well i wouldn't want you to be disappointed again you know yeah she's gonna be messed up yeah oh i'm not really sure what to make of her yet the end of that scene with the mom though was kind of funny because she's like yeah i don't want him to disappoint you because then you'll be that bride sobbing on your wedding day and she said and she said well i guess that leaves you walking me down the aisle still and her mom's like that's right girl like celebrates i was like okay you just made this even more awkward mom also the mom looks like jackay but she doesn't talk like jackay and so i got kind of upset with the mom i was like stay in character jackay what do we think about

um the various weddings i think the only wedding that was noteworthy was the persian wedding and labo m i mean that looked like just such an awful wedding a stripper strippers came out at the wedding i died the mom almost her head almost exploded yeah it was really really really terrible the scene where she's getting ready with her uh bridesmaids and she they're all these like kooky white girls and they're all talking about how they're getting their period at the same time and then she's sitting in her hair and makeup chair in a silk robe and nothing under and her her square groupon sacks are hanging out i'm like jesus

christ like even in the scene right before you get married you have to do everything you can to embarrass your mother the woman showed up she came up to you and cried said she's so happy for you hugged you stopping me to your mother lady my god yeah it's making me mad yeah i don't know that entire wedding was just so ill-advised so so terrible i think craig and brandon had a nice little palm springs wedding although they had they did that thing where they wore a really hideous tuxedo top, sort of blazer tie, polo shirt, whatever. I was like, oh, please don't be that couple that does that. But they did. Well, next week we get to see him dance in a tuxedo shirt, like one of those full on tuxedo t-shirt things.

Oh, gosh. One of those full on tuxedo t-shirt things. Oh gosh. By the way, I just want to say, I want to pause for a moment and say, uh, Michael cook, our,

our beloved Michael cook. He wrote an article about us for the Huffington post and it is up. He just posted it on our timelines and stuff. Oh, cool. Michael, thank you so much for, we'll put this on,

on watch for crappins. Um, thank you so much for profiling us in the Huffington post. That's really super, super cool. I can't wait to read the article. Me too. Awesome. Thanks, Kut.

Kut Stuh. Although he did misspell my name. That's a tough name. If I was your agent, I'd be like, Ben, you need an easier name. We're too stupid. I've called you Ben Mandelker. I mean, I called you that for the first five years I knew you Ben Mandelker. I mean, I called you that for the first five years I knew you.

That's terrible. That's all right. That's okay. Okay. Are there any more couples in this? No, no. I actually really am into the show. I didn't think I was going to be because last year I started watching it and i was like no but i like it because the some of the characters

i actually like but also the coming this season they really did a good job casting couples that are doomed to fail because yeah out of any of these couples are there any that sound like they're gonna make it um i think that i think craig and brandon have a good shot i don't know well maybe i don't know i think they have the best shot the blonde one is that craig yeah craig looks crazy and he has crazy eyes and the other one is always sobbing and crying and he's always mad that there's trash left everywhere and look a man who needs a clean home cannot be with a dirty man. It's just a fact.

I don't know any slob who's married to an anal person in the gay world. It's not like an ABC sitcom where it's like, oh, the lazy fat dad and his supermodel wife. It's not like that, you know? Like, gays take that shit very seriously leaving a banana peel in the sink is like just it's like cheating with 14 hot prostitutes in brazil i'm not telling the truth about it yeah it's like spray painting and like like fags go to hell like that's what a

banana peel in the sink is for a gay man it's sort of funny to me, like someone who is so like it's weird to see someone who is very into order and cleanliness, but then has a crazy blue tattoo on their Adam's apple. That's for some reason. I just wouldn't think I wouldn't put those two things together. Also that he's a hairdresser. I mean, that's like such a dirty job. You're putting your fingers in people's nasty ass scalps in their hair and then have you ever tried to clean up hair i mean it is not easy you guys i have a dust buster and it's still hard so that guy just wants to be miserable so he's with somebody who will make him

miserable and now they're gonna work forever look you've changed my opinion well uh yeah we'll we'll keep watching this show oh god there's a new episode on wednesday but we're not going to talk oh god do we have to talk about the next episode on the on thursday show let's do it oh no no no no no no we're too busy thursday too busy yeah yeah well we'll thursday why is it on what's on wednesday the regular time is on wednesdays oh well that's okay we can talk about it instead of workout. Yes, please. Well, wait. What episode of workout?

Thursday is Beverly Hills and Cheshire. Okay. Well, is it the workout from last night that I saw? Episode four? Because I have to talk. Well, no, I don't have to talk about that. It was dumb. People!

I don't need to watch it. Yeah, let's watch Newlyweds instead of workout. Because workout to me is irredeemable. I hate them all. I hope they all get hit by a bus. The end. Like, it's not even funny to me. Even the girl you should feel bad for who's walking around with a limp.

And she's like, my world is over. I can't move one of my legs. I'm like, that does not excuse your bad dye job. And also, you don't need to be talking about everybody the whole time. What are you doing here? Are you even a trainer get out of here use the arm bicycle stop complaining so yeah i hate that i'm swimming they all die telling all right workouts cancelled in this show newlyweds is up next wow yay yay okay so now it's a minute 53 i'm just gonna say 54 wait five seconds three two one all right now let's move on to talk of real housewives of atlanta yes kind of a dull episode

really not much happened i laughed a lot because they are trying to go after porsche and i don't know what happened to porsche i think this made no sense i think porsche getting a real job where someone is telling her you cannot hit people with baseball bats on tv or you're fired she's like okay and so she's being nice and it's hilarious because they've all decided to go against Portia. Well, to be fair, it's mainly Don Juan's fault. Because Don Juan and even Shamia. I mean, Shamia will just go after anyone to get on. But Don Juan has basically perpetuated.

Or like he told Candy that Portia was like talking all this shit. And Portia was saying this and that shit and Portia was saying this and that. And Portia was just responding. Pedro was like, oh, well, I'm going to like be, you know, talking to Todd. Like, you know, Todd has $30,000 in my money. And Portia's like, what? So this whole she literally says, so the reason for the fight is just about coins. She doesn't she's not even gossiping.

She's not really doing anything. She's just reacting. Well, she did, though, because she said that this is about calling from a doesn't – she's not even gossiping. She's not really doing anything. She's just reacting. Well, she did, though, because she said, So this is about coin from a man who kept you apart the whole time? So she is talking shit, but who doesn't? Like, who cares? Yeah, but it wasn't really major shit.

And so then, you know, Don Juan, you know, he comes over. He's crazy because, remember, he comes over and he's like, He's like, why are you being so extra? Why are you being so extra? And she's like, Don Juan, I'm not extra. He's like, well, now over and he's like, why are you being so extra? She's like, Don Juan, I'm not extra. He's like, now you're being quiet because I told you you were being extra, but you were being extra before. It's like, Don Juan, you were coked up and you're the one who has totally misinterpreted the situation.

It's embarrassing watching Don Juan. It is. It's really embarrassing. Now you have goals? Like, you're fine with being an assistant your whole life, but now suddenly you need a spinoff? Get out of here. No one wants to watch a spinoff of someone fetching coffee for someone else and then, like, yelling at people who don't deserve it, you dumb cokehead. Shut up.

And Candy keeps saying, well, he was just passing by. He was pacing around them, okay? Yeah. It was like a little Sharknado that they weren't even watching because they didn't know it was approaching, you know? Yeah. He's awful. Kind of hate him. I don't need to really talk too much about him.

But I thought it was a really interesting episode seeing Candy get so salty because normally she doesn't. I mean, at the reunion, she'll fight back. And she'll state her opinion or whatever but she's really going after it this time and it's annoying because she's kind of put on she's put in a bad situation by her team i'd like to think you're calling it her team but she's put on a bad in a bad situation by her team because this fight is not even worth it. And she looks stupid. And Candy's escaped a lot of the mean tweets and stuff from people because she never does anything mean. She's always the victim. So I don't like to see a victim, you know, victimizing people like leave the poor, innocent hoe alone. OK, right. Yeah, I agree. Well, but I do disagree that because Candy does usually get kind of salty here

and there like she she'll lose it she does it every season she has the moment where she gets really mad she got mad I think she got mad last season during during some I think it was during there was one of the episodes with the brawls there was a brawl was that

was that I don't remember when it was but she got mad they showed a flashback of it a few a few weeks ago One of the episodes with the brawls. There was a brawl. Was that – I don't remember when it was. But she got mad. They showed a flashback of it a few weeks ago. She'll lose her – Wait. Who was she mad at? She was mad at someone. Maybe it was two seasons ago.

She was like, I'm not talking about this. She usually gets mad on a trip, usually in a bus. There's usually a scene of her yelling at someone in a bus. Every season. I guess maybe it's because I'm usually on her side and she's justified because she's kind of the normal voice on this show. So I don't like when I see her being one of the other ones

just fighting just to fight. It's like, you know, yes, we are bored just watching you lay back pregnant, but still, I don't know. Attack someone that deserves it like todd yeah so this episode basically starts with shamia coming to the office to tell the team what was said because she's kind of standing up for porsche even though she's making more drama by showing up and then um i'm only mentioning the scene because

um carmen says you know acting like she doesn't have any money. I mean, you come around here with new titties. You could have paid me. And I just had to mention that because they mention her new tits, I think, three times in this episode. Yeah. Jesus, is that all you have, Carmen? You're in a Mama Joyce wig. Like, did Mama Joyce leave that in a box at one of the old houses or what?

Because stop. Stop. Yeah yeah it was a bad wig and then don juan with his underground railroad because that's all you have against porsche she's like literally a hoe driving around in bentley's paid for by rich africans like that's all you got the underground railroad pay attention cat yeah and he was getting all angry all over again he was getting all fussy like he was totally having the hannah barbarus steam coming out of his ears for no reason again yeah he needs to get so todd and phedra are next todd goes to phedra's office perfect perfect perfect way of showing todd little midget wears a baseball cap inside chomping on gum and pleather sleeves just please be all all of you your personality your clothes everything about you please just shush todd yeah yeah exactly he was he i mean he he is right in this situation but gosh he makes

it hard to root for him he's kind i mean look yes she admittedly still owes him money but they did never finish it and they're making it sound like they finished and she won't pay him and she's like no we're gonna finish it right i'm sorry we haven't finished it because and he's like oh all i need is all i need he's like oh all i need is a is a baby photo it's like how could you have been have been holding up production all this time for a baby photo? Yeah, you could have got that off the internet. Yeah, that's ridiculous. I get that she's stalling.

I'm not standing up for Phaedra. It's just annoying that they're making it sound like everything's completely done and she owes him this money and won't even call him back and blah, blah, blah. They're making it too much and then again candy goes off standing up for her husband going all over the place telling everybody that'll listen about this money this money this money this money it's all about todd that guy's nothing but trouble and meanwhile she's hiding all of apollo's assets in her garage yeah i don't know candy, Candy's not winning with me right now. Yeah, I agree.

Cause I think it's been, I think it was, I always thought it was shady the way that they put Apollo before Phaedra in that situation. I mean, holding onto his stuff and it did seem, even though Phaedra, we, you know,

we suspect that she was shady in that whole thing. Like Candy's, their allegiance should have been to Phaedra before it was to Apollo, I think. And that was shady. And it was mainly because of Todd. And Candy went on to Instagram and was like, let me set the record straight. See? Nah.

The record's straight. See? We was Todd. Todd has his businesses. And da-da-da-da-da. And she's like, see see Todd has like four different productions and they were like it was like Hollywood Wives and then she listed Candy's Ski Trip

as one of them I'm like no that was a Bravo production that I'm feel pretty sure that Todd just like got to throw his production like most productions in Hollywood if you have talent like that a lot of talent are able to have their own little vanity production. Yeah, the vanity credit.

And basically they funnel these shows through them. It's like, oh, it's a co-production. And what it basically means is that they get a fee and whatever. And I'm sure there was some sort of input from todd you know i don't know the degree to which it was but to make it seem like oh todd you know todd was the man behind candy's factory i'm like i'm pretty sure it was probably the bravo machine you know pedro was being shady lady which i love and saying the rudest things in her talking heads i was dying she was like poor todd he must be scrounging around in those couch cushions looking for nickels after all his latv dried up that's so good and then

she was saying uh but then they were getting her back too because she was just blatantly lying she's like i haven't even seen the workout video and then they show a clip of her watching a video going oh this turned out great i love it um cut to her watching video pregnancy photo then i'll say it's done oh just her saying listen here mr todd tucker when i send the picture and it's done i'll say it's done and then they show the justice the statue of justice who's blind like don't tell me what justice is okay that bitch is blind because i poked her eyes out i'll tell you what justice is served it's like justice isn't blind justice just didn't want to watch justice cannot look at your pleather sleeves anymore so she's covering her eyes get out of

my office and he goes chomping his gum out of there get out of here nerd get out yeah i agree so porsche is getting ready for the red carpet for dish nation which is hilarious to me because it turns out to just be she's just like waving at people yeah there goes katherine santa jones she uh so before she goes out to the red carpet she's in her suite and her sister lauren who's also her assistant is talking about how you know like she's pregnant and she's gonna have to go maternity leave and porsche's like what am i gonna do it's like let's just get another assistant i mean you've seen the other assistants in atlanta like no one like don't worry about having a qualified assistant if anything like you'd fit

in more if you had an unqualified assistant have you ever seen kinzulciak's crew like you'll be fine you'll be fine like what do they have to do what do they have to do like buy you some cheerios well porsche's assistants i mean that's quite a job it's like don't forget to fill your car up with gas don't forget to make your bentley lease payment don't forget to put your underwear on like porsche you know hold a fork for porsche you know make sure she's in the right wig whatever i would imagine that that's not easy keeping porsche porsche shows up to a job every day did you ever think that that would happen someone's doing that you know her sister is her

ringtone she's like okay wake up wake up snooze no i'm a real person literally wake up and get out of bed stop hitting my head and get out of bed i'm not a snooze button so then awkward kenya and her dad yeah she's like dad you want to see my house well i've never seen a house like that before yeah he doesn't like anything hey dad you want to get in the car i don't particularly like cars and kenya says we don't always see eye to eye i'm like oh because he's slightly cross-eyed but i really like her dad i really like her dad and she kind of explains some of her background that her when her family broke apart she moved to texas and the the dad finally had all the kids and then she was a rebellious

teenager and was like f texas i'm going back to detroit so she ran back to detroit and he wouldn't speak to her for five years and then you know his feelings are still hurt enough that he'll sob in a park scene i mean that was sad i loved i liked how there was a flashback you know she's working on her relationship this season her relationship with men men. And she went to this seminar by a Dr. Umar. And she's like – and he spouts off some ridiculous bullshit. And she's like, oh, I – like Dr. Umar helped me realize that because of my dysfunctional relationships with my family, that's why I have dysfunctional relationships with men. I'm like, oh, really? You think? Congratulations. It took you 40 years to discover that issues with your family will

affect issues you have with other people. Congratulations. Sometimes I think that that kind of self-searching can help, but Kenya's a narcissist and she's never going to do it unless it's on camera, which isn't real self-searching. That's like fame whoring. I think that she needs a real doctor. So Kenya, let me help you. You can like fame whoring. I think that she needs a real doctor. So Kenya, let me help you. You can't find men because you're A, most likely a lesbian. B, only attracted to yourself. And C, you're an asshole.

Okay? You're an asshole. When you fix that, maybe you'll have a relationship. The end. Good luck with that. And she goes, I need-evaluate how i find my men like yeah paying them rental fees is probably not a road to love yeah stupid stupid stupid stupid so the speaking of stupid stupid yeah bailey agency marlo comes to help decorate the place like a mobile station so no one's uncomfortable at the clearance rack sale of these sunglasses that no one needs yeah exactly one step above the chashi shops here on hollywood boulevard selling

i love hollywood uh t-shirts and have like a wall of cheap sunglasses yes because you know that's pretty much it it's like where is the display of so cheap yeah where's the display of fake academy awards where's the where's the display of fake Academy Awards? Where's the photo booth where it could look like you took a picture with Brad Pitt? I love those little Academy Awards. Penis brew. That's one for best picture. Best picture of coffee.

So, Cynthia, as in life, waste of time. Fast forward. Fast forward. Fast forward. So now's the intercut scene where they're just intercutting a lot of uninteresting but still slightly amusing things. Like Aiden is learning to golf. And Phaedra says he's just like a young Tiger Woods. The wholesome version. Yeah. And then 2D's with her boy saying grace.

And the big excitement in the scene is like, mom, can I put some saying grace and like it's like the big excitement the scene is like mom can i put some salt on this she's like just a little bit too much too much carpool emergency too much salt well we finally got to meet her babysitter the ipad mini that's a reliable babysitter right there works every time i was like why am i watching 2d like cop french fries up for her kids why am i watching this is this a warning against high sodium what's going on why is this scene on tootie never even talked she was just like cutting up french fries well i'm sure that like what was on the editing room floor was something like you know today is an exciting night because instead

of kringle fries i'm going to do classic frozen french fries. Can I put salt on these? No, god damn it! Actually, before that was when Portia finally went onto the red carpet. It was for the Emmys. I actually thought it was sort of cute because she was out there and she was waving at the fans

and she was sort of spinning around. I actually thought it was a glimpse of the old Portia that was sweet and naive, and she looked actually really excited to be there. And then I loved how she was basically what I would be like on the red carpet, which would be like, Sophia Vergara, Sophia Vergara. Okay, bye. Bye, Sophia Vergara. I'm from Dish Nation.

Don't you eat on a dish? She's blowing her a kiss. I knew it works every time. Oh, poor stuff. She got a great exclusive with Gary Cole. So, hey, job well done. That's a rough one to get. Poor Gary Cole was like standing out there waiting for a gift bag.

He's like, are you the gift bag lady? No, but I like dishes. Me too. Let's talk. So, how's life after different strokes? That was Gary Coleman. Oh, yeah. Do you know Julia Roberts?

Hey, does Sandra Bullock really take the bus? Tell me everything, Gary Coleman. So, let me say here so now after the yeah so now we go back to the dad Kenya's dad Kenya shows her dad the house and he's like I don't like the house he's like

where are we going down the ditch or something where are you taking me I thought we were going down the ditch or something where are we where you taking me i thought we were going to the bottom of the ocean kenya's like no dad it's just down a hill or here this is like when the titanic was turned up on his side and kathy bates almost slid down to the boat like no god and then he goes i gotta pee And then he goes and pees in the trees. Yeah. Kenya was horrified.

So good. It's not like something fell over outside. Maybe it was like MJ's stack of sliders. It was MJ's nip slip. Like, make a hole in the sidewalk. When she takes off her bra, you're... MJ takes an insta, by the way, of her tit hanging out. And then people are like,

oh my god, her nipple. Like, that's so shocking, you know? Wow, what a shocker. Thirsty ass MJ putting her nipple on Instagram. Whoa. Let's all discuss it for a week. And then a story comes out that says MJ explains her nip slip. Really really there's a follow-up

article on that thing put that that had to be written online or reality so now um so uh if if you thought that uh kenya's dad peeing on a tree was exciting wait to get a load of this the next next scene, Cynthia and Peter go into dinner. Oh, wow. He's like, can I have a menu and a sharpie? He's like, Peter's restaurant. Peter's lobster. Peter's menu.

Peter's font. Peter's lobster. So they have a double date with candy and todd uh two of my least favorite couples on bravo i have to say i love candy hey todd yeah i don't hate cynthia but i just i don't know it's like you know the men drag them both down it's like vanilla or french vanilla uh they're both vanilla clear them clear yeah and so peter and cynthia uh so basically it's more candy talking about how she's mad at porsche because porsche said something and then don juan i mean who cares it's the same thing over and over and this fight i'm not buying any of this fight

and i think todd is still wearing pleather sleeves i'm not really sure what's happening yeah he will always wear pleather sleeves as long as he can. That's going to be the name of his restaurant, Pleather Sleeves. How come your team can be so honest with everybody else in the world, but they can't just tell Todd to buy a new shirt? I mean, Jesus Christ, how many times are you going to make Don Juan Windex those sleeves? No wonder he's pissed. Todd Tucker.

So then we go to Cynthia's event. Yeah. For her Twitter event. Her Twitter event. Yeah, this scene was stupid. So she has a Twitter event for her 7-Eleven sunglasses and Marlo is there. Marlo is wearing something that harkens back to

Lil' Kim at the VMAs where like one boob is hanging out but it's covered with almost like a pasty but in this case it looked like it's just a giant nipple like a huge nipple over her nipple that was a wet nurse nipple yeah that was a nipple that that's like the neighborhood watering hole that nipple yeah it was a big old pancake yeah it was like the biggest curse word ever they're just like trying to black it out. Nope, it's just a big circle. Yeah, it was a nipple on the road. Poor Marlo. She tries hard.

Marlo stood us up once, though. So I'll never have total sympathy for her because she was supposed to come on the show. She didn't stand us up. Yes, she did. No, she was going to come on the show. We gave her a time. And then they said, she's 30 minutes late. And we were like, really?

And they said, yep. And they said, no, she's 30 minutes late. And we were like, really? And they said, yep. And they said, no, she's an hour late. And we said, no, no more. We're not going to interview her. Oh, I'm sorry. So she didn't have emailing us, I think, for three weeks. Oh, I didn't know that again. And we kept saying, no, I'm not doing that.

I mean, it's going to be hard enough coming up with shit to ask Marlo in the first place. Other than were you a man? Are you a man? Who turned you into a man? Do you consider yourself a man? That's really it. So otherwise, who cares? Bye.

So, yeah, she didn't stand us up. We actually told her to go fuck it. Oh, good. I like that. Because, look, no one needs to be waiting for an hour to talk to Marlo. I mean, my God, god lady get out of here get over yourself exactly exactly so marlo's there and i actually really like marlo on the show now i do i like marlo on the show but like i mean you know we're not going out of our way to book her

well i would feel bad about talking shit about marlo but i know she's not going to listen to this for 30 years because her ass is always late. Yeah. So, anyway, Marlo's there. I don't even know why. So, this whole party is, oh, well, it opens with Tootie going up to Candy and saying, Girl, we got some candy-coated nights in my house!

And Candy's like, Ah! See? Kegel balls! And Tootie's like, Kegel balls? No, I mean, we put some salt in the french fries last night. And Candy's like, kegel balls? No, I mean, we put some salt on the french fries last night. And Katie's like, ooh, is that what you call it? No, literally, we put some salt on the french fries. Candy coated nights, wild, right?

Riley, get me out of here. My boys play with these little knights, these little knights of the round table figures, and we actually coated them with candy and um then they ate them with salt on them she's like i gave my son a little caveman to play with his dinosaur which is not historically accurate but we thought why not let's be crazy candy coated nights candy coated nights we have five people in the carpool instead of four crazy so tootie is getting some

which is hilarious and yeah she probably was just like ironing her husband's mom dockers and that yeah meanwhile speaking of tootie so cynthia had decided that she wants to shoot a commercial for her shades and so she goes up to to Kenya and Tootie and is like, I want you both to produce and direct my commercial. I'm like, is this The Apprentice? Like, why would you hire both of them? I mean, it was such an obvious, like, scripted moment from the producers. Like, okay, we need to have some conflict in the season.

Why don't we have Tod and kenya direct a commercial together yeah it's the most fun things on these shows i know that they're all set up like duh we're not all stupid but the most fun is when they set things up but then they go to shit anyway and this stuff when they're chasing around porsche for no reason. I mean, talking shit. If anything, Candy should be getting shit for sicking her evil staff on people and also making Carmen wear Mama Joy's wig. Not cool. Yeah.

One of the shortcomings I've always felt of Atlanta, pretty much outside of season one, and maybe, no, last season was good too, but one of the shortcomings is that a lot of times there's just not enough conflict to sustain a season so they throw in these like really obviously fake um plot things where you know oh look it's like 2d and kenya working on on a commercial together or like hey there's kim and Nini fighting in a tour bus over nothing. And that will be a feud for the next two years.

You know, they just sort of throw shit in there to make the drama as opposed to letting it unfurl naturally as it has on OC or Beverly Hills or New York. Well, none of these women actually let them into their real lives. Like Portia. I want to see Portia selling real lives. Like, Portia, I want to see Portia selling herself on the internet. That is what I want to see. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. I want to see her, like,

on dates with all the men from Africa that buy her things. I want to see where she got her purse, okay? I want to see Candy being ignored by Todd, because you know he never speaks to her at home. I want to see where she got her purse, okay? I want to see Candy being ignored by Todd because, you know, he never speaks to her at home. I want to see that. I want to see—Tudy, I imagine that is her real life. Don't really need to see that yet.

I just— Who else is on it? I feel like— It seems like the women on it—Phaedra's never given us an honest moment in her life except when she was being chased around by an empty screw gun with apollo other than that everything is so manufactured and she's so funny i think well that's the thing they're they're funny and they will have these moments of intensity like like there'll be like a fight like twice a season there'll be a big fight and there'll be these arguments but there's not really these are not the women themselves are not really that interesting like there's nothing going on in their lives that's particularly interesting if anything they're just doing stupid shit like selling

sunglasses or making a commercial better than that what does cynthia do while peter's gone all day i know she's not staring at the garden like she does on this she might be i want to know what they're really doing. Yeah, I think that's a valid request. But I'm saying this is why Atlanta never quite breaks the top tier for me because outside of them all being outrageous characters, they just never have the stuff that sustains it. This feud with Portia is so small. It's so uninteresting.

Candy's ski trip was really good. Or the seasons where Candy was really going out with her mom were good because that's a real issue and a real conflict that they're working on and working through. But this shit, it's just like, and why isn't Sharae fighting more? Why isn't

Sharae getting into the mix more she's so nice they got rid of charade like she's not even on it now i don't know what happened with her but she's not on it i guess probably because she wasn't fighting with anybody she needs to get her act together fight yes i like charade some of my favorite charade scenes like when we saw her apartment and that mattress on the floor i mean that's that's what I want to see, okay? I want to see Phaedra getting caught with chocolate. I want to see that. I want to see all of that. I want to see Mama Joy slashing people's tires.

Like, that's the real shit. You've got the people on it are interesting. They just don't show any real part to them because they're all too polished. That's why they used to recast Housewives more than they do now. Anyway, so the kenyan dad walk was interesting we already kind of talked about what they talked about well though so at this party

though the thing the thing that happened at this part right i just handed right over it they're dumb porsche goes porsche goes up to candy is like can we talk privately candy's like sure and then she starts to go. And then, of course, Don Juan and Carmen come walking up. And Portia's like, actually, I wanted to talk to you privately. And then it's like, well, why can't they be there? And I understand why they can't be there. Because Don Juan butted in last time.

And so Portia wants to have her say. But then Candy was like, you know, Candy was like, well, I'm not going out of my way to talk about blah, blah, blah. Candy gets chippy. And then Don Juan gives a fake apology. He's like, I apologize if I was aggressive, but I don't apologize for what I said.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I still don't understand how Portia, why she's accountable for all of this mess. No kidding. It was Phaedra saying all of this stuff. Go after Phaedra. I mean, yes, Portia did say some stuff but candy's being ridiculous and then she actually said i don't know if it's in the scene but candy at one point oh when she's talking to peter and cynthia peter's like you did a lot for her because remember oh that time you put her in that musical

yeah you did porsche a huge favor okay you, you cast somebody who's not only on one of the top-rated cable shows ever, which is The Housewives. Yes. But you also put her on Dish Nation, which is a nationally syndicated show with a huge audience. Of course she's going to put her in the musical. Portia, did you more a favor by being in your shitty musical than you did putting her in it? Like, you didn't do anybody any favors with that shit musical. Your own mother barely went to that thing. Get out of here.

Get out of here. Get over yourself, Candy. You used to be nice. Now you're just an asshole. Like, realize what you're doing here, Candy. She's not an asshole. She's been given bad information by trusted people. And so she is getting – the intel that she's getting is that Portia was going off and being like a bitch, which is not what happened.

But she's hearing that Portia did this, Portia did that, Portia did that. And unfortunately, Portia, she has a history of being a yap or whatever. So it's hard for Portia to say no I wasn't saying that at all like it's hard for Candy to take her side necessarily understandably but it's just it sucks because Candy is getting bad intel and it's like it's time for Candy to start

questioning Don Juan and Carmen as reliable friends for this kind of stuff it's easier for Candy to have mouthpieces tell everybody off for her. It's no accident that that's Mama Joyce's daughter. She gets to sit there and be victimized by Mama Joyce all the time,

and then the world gets to tell off Mama Joyce for her because she'll never confront it. And then she gets Todd to be an asshole to everybody, and then she gets all her frustrations about Apollo and Phaedra out through Todd. Then she has Carmen and Don Juan standing up to, she's got Carmen to stand up to her mom. And then she's got Don Juan to yell at women for her. It's like, you know what?

You're starting to be a little transparent here. Grow a pair of candy, for Christ's sake, lady. Yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, so the next scene is Kenya walking with her dad. And the big news here is that her dad loves trees. Like, he loves trees. He's like, excuse me, I just, like, inhaled saliva.

He's like, look at this leaf. I don't know. Hey, candy. Look at this leaf. I love the tree. It's so nice walking around that side and looking at the tree. It's so nice walking around that side and looking at the tree. And she's like, Dad, I'm sorry that I left you when I was 12 and ran away. And he goes, Kenya, our family, our family was a tree. It was like this tree right here.

And you were like a tree that ran away. I'm like, okay, you need to give up the tree eventually because trees can't run he's like i was weeping weeping as much as the first time i saw willow i was like a weeping willow hey it's my favorite tree academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards played by hbo's' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she

has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on

Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. No, but it was actually a sweet moment. He was basically like, when you ran away it really hurt me and I didn't speak to you because I had worked so hard to get us as a full basically like when you ran away it really hurt me and i didn't speak to you because i worked so hard to get us as a full family then you ran away and it says you're not good enough which was sweet and sad but at the same time it's like you're the adult like don't get into like a into like a pissing pissing match, but like, you know, like, yeah, you may have been devastated, but like, don't just shun.

Don't shun upon your daughter. Oh, bravo. Changing the vernacular one hour at a time. Yeah. That was sad. But of course, this is it's supposed to be kenya bonding with her dad but she's rolling her eyes the whole time trying not to yell at him because he gets on her nerves so bad so she does apologize and it's sweet and she cries and he cries and they hug and then she's

like i want to have a family reunion and he's like i'm not going back there because apparently he doesn't talk to people either it's like this family is no one likes each other in the family so she's like well you know i'll get us free plane tickets and we'll have a camera crew what better way to confront your issues um and we see next week that she goes to her mom's house with a camera crew and it's like mom it's kenya i want to talk to you i'm like oh my god this is so gross on so many levels and i can't wait yeah um so that the episode um episode ends with candy and porsche at lunch and they're hashing things out and then it comes down to you know porsche being more friends with phaedra and that's when and and so porsche is like well i think that phaedra needed me more than you needed me

and then basically they just start yelling they're yelling at each other they're my favorite part is that they're yelling yelling yelling yelling yelling and then all of a sudden they go well i'm glad we cleared it up yeah yeah me too anyway check please two of my favorite things okay i love how you start seeing certain things about them when they get really mad candies is the weave scratch so when she's giving that when she's giving that look and she scratches her weave she did that like five times when she was getting pissed and that was killing me and also when i didn't mention before was when phedra was in the was in her dental lawyer um accountant's office or whatever with todd tucker and he's she's thinking she's letting him think he gets one up on her or whatever and then she does that thing where she drinks from her drink

really um pristly with her pinky finger hanging in the air that is like a fuck you from phaedra and she's done it in the past three fights and every single time i laugh out loud i'm gonna get little gifts of those just to send them to people when i don't have a response like go fuck yourself you should pinky fuck yourself yeah um so it's gonna be good Coming up because this show It'll trick us We'll be like we're bored this is dumb It's manufactured and then boom they're at Kenya's mom's house

Then they do something crazy So looking forward to that So now we can move on To Vanderpump Rules I dare you to move on I'm going to I dare you to move on to Vanderpump Rules. I'm going to. I dare you. So speaking of Chrissy Teigen,

today, I guess it's her birthday. Or maybe it's not her birthday. I don't know whose birthday it is. But so John Legend got on a piano and performed the Vanderpump Rules theme song. So ready? I'm going to play it. Give it to me.

This is the time. These are the best days of our lives. This way our glass is high. This one's for you tonight. This is a... It just loops over and over and over again. So good. That song is really pretty.

It is pretty, I guess, when John Legend draws it out like that. Short man in love. Can't get any better. Bubble butt. Bubble butt, bubble butt. I love a short man in love, Can't get any better. Bubble butt. Bubble butt, bubble butt. I love a short man in love, you guys. John, love you. Keep on tickling those ivories.

And I'm so sorry, Chrissy Teigen, that you don't want to come on our podcast and talk about Vanderpump Rules with us because we could have all been standing around that piano singing it with your husband. We could have all been there. We were all rooting for you. We'll record one special song for you ben let it go let it go that's it i don't even know the

rest of the words that's all chris tegan who cares yeah you're gonna interview somebody let's do john legend i mean i want to know what that guy thinks about the swans yeah he'll understand chrissy teigen's like she's dumb john legend not dumb now that's a man i want to question about vanderpump rules he's ivy league educated and he used to be a consultant at bcg well there you go i love their clothes no bcg is boston consulting group not be not bcbg what if he was a consultant on bad girls club no that would be interesting okay pretty much us we were at bina murray when bad girls club was going on yes i had to try and come up with some internet spinoffs for them i was like okay how about one where people vote and the one who wins gets to get run over by a bus and all over the street and

then we all laugh and they're like um can we have some serious ideas that was not a joke oh my god watch that all right so now on to vanderpoop drools bin yes what an episode what what an episode well it started off with our favorites hanky hanky and panky and lisa lisa telling them be nice to each other be nice to hanky panky all right look i gotta look like hanky so there's someone to be nice to hanky all right don't turn on hanky all right meanwhile the black swans are still in the corner like we'll kill both those bitches Yeah They have like a little pocket knife under the water You know that like when Lisa turns her back It totally turns into West Side Story there

It's like Quack quack quack I want to be in Villa Rosa I want to be in Villa Rosa I want to be in Villa Rosa I want to be in Villa Rosa. I want to be in Villa Rosa. I want to be in Villa Rosa. I want to be in Villa Rosa. And Panky falls in love with like Nell Carter or whatever, one of the other swans. But then the other swans are all mad.

Oh. There's a pond in this world. And then they all come together at the end because they realize it's such a tragedy. And if we can agree on anything, it's that Kyle's ankles need to be bit. All the swans just turn on Kyle. Like, that's how they deal with it. Someone killed Panky. That was Hanky's true love.

Now let's all go up to Kyle Richards. We can all come together. Because we have hate. That's all they needed, those Montagues and the other ones what are they from Shakespeare I forget the family's names Montagues and Capulets that's all they needed was a good Richards

to hate on a little back fat can bond us all darling when you're a swan you're a swan until the end. From your first breathing day to your last dying day. Just keep the lyrics the same. When you're a swan, just keep them all the same.

But that's actually, the funny part about that song is that that's, I can imagine Lisa just speaking that song. When you're a swan, you're a swan till the end. From your first cigarette to your last dying day. When you're a swan, you're a swan to the end from your first cigarette to your last dying day. When you're a swan, you can do what you want. She's just explaining to her friends. The swans are actually such a perfect symbol of this show. You know, they're a swan story.

Beautiful, but they're stupid and can't speak English correctly. And they attack the wrong things. Muddy the water and shit on the bridge. they're beautiful but they're stupid and can't speak English correctly and basically all they do is muddy the water and shit on the bridge but we still watch and then every now and then they get carried around and taken to the doctor they pour water on all their bread before they eat it

the swans shave their foreheads to look young the swans like whoa foreheads to look young. The swans are like, whoa, gotta go to Topshop. The swans. Oh, this has nothing to do with swans, but Tom Sandoval, did I mention last week that that A is like the scarlet letter? Yes. mentioned last week that that a is like the scarlet letter yes i don't did i because last night i was like oh my god this is like the scarlet letter but the guy has to wear it instead of the girl and then i thought did i already say that you did we had a whole last week was very literary we

talked about scarlet letter we talked about f scott fitzgerald we were really like showing off our brains this week is more like i'm like i forgot which shows you pretty much an honest uh reveal of my brain this week we're like let's do west side story with swans by steven duckheim uh leonard goose stein tonight tonight we'll kill a midget donkey tonight. Have his lame ass pulled down and turned to glue. Dun dun dun

dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. Lilypon! Quack! Quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack. I'm out of my West Side Story songs all right that was all that happened on vanderpump rules also tom proposed okay thanks for listening to watch what crap is so this opens with the swans hanky has a new swan all right next uh tom number two comes over and

talks to lisa about finally proposing to Katie I don't care any of you say I love Lisa Vanderpump she makes me laugh out loud every single time she's like oh you're gonna ask her finally alright then let's keep it a secret shall we and then she just whispers the rest of the scene

which I don't know why but I thought that was so fucking funny I thought when you said I don't care like you're gonna say not i don't care what everyone says i hate i love this banner pump i thought you're gonna say i don't care about this because i honestly like tom schwartz you know he you know a tom schwartz heavy storyline it's always a little bit of a snoozer it's always you know it's like cute but this show we don't want cute we want like salacious activity we want people boning and then lying about it and then fighting about it that's what i want i don't want any of this like yeah so like bubba and i

have been together i think i'm finally ready to make that to take the take the deep dive off the platform into engagement but i don't know like maybe god like i mean i i mean i love her but you know my ready because you know i'm a model and so like god so hard look yeah i don't old to be this much of a pussy also whoever you're paying to cut your hair it looks like he did that alone in the dark i had to pause on his hair because it's so misshapen and oddly cut. I cut my papa's hair over Christmas and it looks better than that. And I was high as fuck. Come on, Tom.

Like you can't be a pussy and a bad self-help or a bad self-haircutter. He did do one thing in the scene that I liked. He was talking about how he's finally got the nerve to ask Katie to marry him. This was in his testimonial talking head thing. And he was making the symbol with his hands down by his crotch just like he was talking but he was making the international symbol you know where you put your index fingers together and your thumbs together he was making that symbol as he talked and i was like fitting your pussy good luck katie good luck good luck with that one she's already giving herself a ho-ho coat this is all she needs is to be married to you yeah god bless so then tom sandoval then he

goes to dr tat off uh to get his tat off um and so the funny thing is that uh so he and ariana go into this consultation and the doctor is like okay let's see the let's see the tattoo and he it's on his butt so he starts so he lowers his pants and the doctor's like um you don't have to bend over i just love that he just like presents in that way he's like here let me shove my ass in your face he's like it's only gonna count if i can wink at you at the same time it's like okay put it away no one needs that always Derek Hazleton wrote on our Facebook can we please address that the not gay one is always trying to show his ass which is so funny he's always like look it's my ass look I've been sitting down and it's my ass

look it's still my ass Kristen all right you've got a smooth little ass okay congratulations um and she said this is scabbing over and if i remove it now you'll have this forever which isn't going to be longer than your relationship so let's just go ahead and leave it for a while and uh oh i forgot i was gonna laugh out at that but then ariana's sitting there giving these oh no he said she said unless you go into the sun he goes yeah but what about a tanning bed and she goes uh who does that yeah she totally says in 2016 he's like well the best is my favorite part of that is that they cut to a flashback of him getting into tanning bed and all you hear him say is the gx 5000 yeah well i'm gonna go to Hawaii, so yeah, I need a tan.

Like, if you show up in Hawaii without a tan, you look like a tourist. You look like a tourist because you're on a party bus with a bunch of drunk people with rubber faces screaming and yelling and barfing all over town. Okay, you're going to look like a tourist anyway, dum-dum. I just like the idea that he got so excited by the GX5000 sun tan model. Sun bed, tanning bed model like as if he just reads from like tanning bed quarterly like finally it's out you know but the email update list yeah also he's like he has like behind on the kickstarter for the gx6000. i got my watch in the gx6000 yeah and I love also that the doctor is basically Stassi.

Like, who does that anymore, Tanang? Does that? I know they can never escape. And someone who just wants to get over Kristen, he's like, Yeah, well, this doctor is a friend of Kristen. And so I know he's going to get back to Kristen. Who cares? Like, stop talking about Kristen if you don't care.

Kristen. So a close-up of this tattoo, I didn't really look at it closely enough, I guess, last time. But this close-up revealed that it's made out of scales. Like, it's a snake A, which I think is hilarious because much like David Bedore presented Shannon with a dragon bracelet that she was so honored. You know know being a dragon lady isn't really a compliment guys he's like yeah i got a tattoo it's an a made out of snake skin because they're cold blooded get it she's like uh thanks that's so romantic i don't i just don't understand why the a is so oddly shaped it's like one side of the a just sort of trails off into nothing it's like this weird sort of cursive you know it's it's like when side of the A just sort of trails off into nothing. It's like this weird sort of cursive. You know, it's like when you type cursive, like use a cursive font, and it's like designed in a way so that they all connect to each other.

So it's like the weird connecting part, but there was no other next letter. Like with normal handwriting, you would never have like made it trail off for so long. But in this case, it's still going. Poor guy. Very specific observation by me. Don't get your tattoos at Things Remembered, okay? They only have connecting

fonts, Tom darling. So then Jax and Sheena and Kristen go to a bar, and for some reason I started laughing, because as soon as they get there, Sheena just goes, Where's your drinks? Whenever she just declares something it just cracks me up with her voice she's sounding more and more like a puppet these days

where's your drinks and glasses she really talks like that though i was slowing i'm gonna my real new year's resolution is to do better imitations because really i have four so i was trying to do a better one for her and i listened to her say a few lines over and over and i was like yeah she really talks like that she does hey you know what i like a shot oh my god um so then uh so then jack's talking about britney who's moving she's driving across the country to la and then they show some um shots of britney's instagram and it was so stupid there's one of her lying on a bed and the captain says i hate hotel pillows hashtag good night well it's hard to get used to a pillow when you're used to resting your head on a pile of newspapers from the 80s.

God bless her heart. Poor Brittany. Brittany is not just some 20-year-old idiot either, okay? That girl has got the crow's feet of a coal miner. She's still got coal on her face, okay? That's from, like, a coal mining family. Jax is, like, that ladder out of the tunnel, you know? family. Jax is like that ladder out of the tunnel. She's basically in Kentucky with a huge coal from a crashed in coal mine on her. And she's just like, get me out. He's like, you're 20 and

hot. No, she's not. She's like 40. She's 40 and full of coal. And I cannot wait to see her rip Jax a new one because this bitch isn't just some innocent little thing. This is some girl from a Sidney Sheldon novel who acts like she's this dumb, innocent little thing. No girl who shows up wearing a pink sweatshirt that says Kentucky and non-ironic short shorts is innocent. Okay? She's playing you. Cannot wait to watch her win this show because she's going to win. She's going to unleash that appalachian attitude on her on him soon and it's gonna be good she's got enough lung space to blow your

house down bitch yeah you better watch out so that's later so she's coming this is the weirdest scene a because jack's face looks like it's made out of authentic tp skin what the hell it looks like they have had some goat roasting on a lawn for hours to get it to look like that what is happening to jack's week by week he's the human wigwam what oh i forgot what a wigwam is it's basically like a teepee it's like a different shape darling i'm from a land of real ind. All right. We have real teepees built by real Native Americans. Every Christmas we go burn them down and take their children, darling. Start all over

again. Welcome to America! Darling, darling. Chef Penny, do not abandon your wigwam. Do not abandon the wigwam. Darling, I've got a new event. We're teepee teepees. Tee tp tp we'll change the industry darling four o'clock tp are you coming over for afternoon tp we get into a tp and drink tea and then pee

i hope you don't have to go pee pee because i live in a teepee and I don't have any teepees. You know what I mean? Chef Penny, do you like my wordplay? It's very funny, is it not? Oh, thank you, Pinky. Hanky, you're a little slow on the uptake there, original. We've made a wigwam for Hanky so that way he can feel secure at night. We've made a new teepee for Jax's face made out of the little midget donkey horse we had skinned and turned into midget. It was a lame

horse, so we decided what better way than to fix Jax's face and kill the little horse and use the skin for new skin and use his hooves for new glue. Went into a strange place really quickly. Really quickly. We're on scene two.

Okay, so... So anyway, so then they start talking about Ariana. Because the whole thing is that they're still mad because they want Kristen to be able to come to Jack and Tom's joint birthday party. And Ariana does not want it. And now Sheena's like, she has a bad attitude. I love her more than anybody else. But she's got a bad attitude. I love her more than anybody else, but she's got a bad attitude. I can't believe that she would have a bad attitude a year after my wedding. I'm going to make a canvas to print of her bad attitude so it stares at her while she's trying to watch Shay not do drugs while American Ninja Warrior's on.

I'm going to give her a drug test, except she's not going to be testing for drugs. She's going to be testing for bad attitude. And if I say she has a bad attitude on the stick, then she's disinvited from the party. You broke the drug stick because your bad attitude pastry was too hard. So then Lala shows up, and then now Kristen's mad at Lala again. And she's like, seriously? Like, don't act like you're my friend and then keep hooking up with my ex. Seriously.

But that's everybody you're friends with. And it didn't even phase Lala. Kristen's like, oh, hi, Lala. How's it boning James? Lala's like, fine, whatever. She's like, good. You want to fuck Jax? I like that Lala shows right up and just acts like a total hoe.

So funny. And, you know, part of me thinks she's doing it on purpose. But the other part of me doesn't. Because she talks about it later and she's like, yeah, but Jax, like, I mean, I was going to fuck him. But, like, I'm glad I didn't fuck him because now I find out he has a girlfriend and like i mean really please she is getting off with leading him on and i'm not even i'm not even saying that in a way like she's leading him on it's more like she knows he has a girlfriend she knows and that's why she's doing it because she has no intention well i don't know maybe she does have intention but i think that she really likes toying with him. I think she likes flirting with him hard, knowing that he can't do anything about it.

I think she gets off on it. And the moment that he becomes available, she's going to be like, eh, ew, no. Well, she's turned him down over and over. But this time she said she texted him at 3 in the morning and was like, come fuck my brain's off. Got into my bed. Yeah, the next day he wrote, I just saw this the next morning. So there's something weird going i can't really figure lala out because she's a mama one talented dead-eyed hooker i mean it takes a lot of hooking to get your eyes that dead where they will reveal nothing she should be playing poker she is like a she is like a sociopathic hoe i mean she just

she goes back and forth between jacks and james to the point where it's like it's just blatant at this point she's not even playing them she's just ping-ponging yeah and she's never having sex with them either which is so crazy i mean they said on watch what happens she said somewhere that she hooked up with james once but she was so blackout drunk she can't remember it um who was she being interviewed oh who was she being interviewed by god damn it it was some other some other bravo podcast she was being interviewed by and they said well a lot of people would consider that date rape and she's like no i mean i wouldn't call it that like i mean so what i mean i was blacked out like not the first time

and then this episode she's like yeah i mean i wouldn't have remembered it because I was blacked out, like, not the first time. And in this episode, she's like, yeah, I mean, I wouldn't have remembered it because I was blackout drunk. So I guess she does that a lot where she pulls the old Lauren from Real Housewives of Shesha. Maybe I was drunk then because I don't remember saying that. I don't remember saying that, but I'm still real bright. And so basically, Lala is just antagonizing everybody. She's doing it on purpose. First she gets the girls on her side. Now she's antagonizing them on purpose by being in Jax's butt crack the whole time.

And then talking about how she just likes making out with James. So Kristen wants her dead. And Kristen, you don't even work there anymore. Do an Applebee's spinoff, bitch like what are you even doing here and then sheena's like i'm trying to like and then lala does like five shots when she shows up love it they just get drunk yeah this was a weird thing uh a weird scene just because i really don't know where Lala's coming from. And I like it. It's a mystery. I like it.

Um, then the next scene I was, I definitely was like chuckling because they show Tom cleaning and he just smashes open a bottle of Sambuca. And that's, that's terrible. That's watching him like smash it open by accident. And then just watching it all drain out and look on his face.

And Lisa's right. There's like, what's, what's happening what's happening what have you done to Hanky why did you bring Hanky darling you spilled the sambuca oh dear alright

clean up all the glasses I'm watching you move that glass alright now move that glass alright now move that glass is this scene for real is this gonna be the whole scene and Tonga the editors are awful human beings, and I love them. Tom goes, I hate Sambuca. It's sticky.

It's gross. I can't think of a worse smell. Enter Katie. Yeah. Dying. Editors, such good work. So Katie enters, doing her weird pregnancy pregnancy hiding behind a salt and pepper tray. Because she gained weight this season, so she's trying to hide everything.

Well, get a bigger tray, girl. At least get a food runner's tray. What are you hiding behind a tiny tray of salt and pepper shakers? That's like the worst pregnancy hiding I've ever seen in my life. Or ho-ho ho hiding whatever she's hiding stop hiding it you're fine you're pretty no matter what your weight is stop hiding behind salt and pepper weirdo yeah so she's there holding this salt and pepper tray the whole time and you knew you know this took like two hours to film yeah like almost as long as it will take to discuss it

i'm sorry but she's hiding behind a salt and pepper tray. Couldn't get over that. All right. So anyway, blah, blah, blah. And then Katie goes, what did Lisa say? Something about something that Tom committed to. Oh, they were asking about the business. And Lisa's like, well, neither one of them has come up with anything good yet.

Have you come up with one single idea and sandoval's like well i wish i wish he would let me speak first you have her alone now you can speak he still has nothing to say and katie goes well you know this like sangria business like i'm just really excited to see tom committed to something like if you're gonna be a trash man be a good trash man lisa's like oh darling it reminds me take out the trash would you put down the train take out the trash katie i know katie's doing nothing this year but those salt and peppers were full and i didn't see any crust on them i looked all right the next scene is britney showing up in her kentucky shirt about to ruin everybody's lives exactly britney's in town and i like that she's talking with jacks and he could not have looked any more what's the right word sad disappointed angry flummoxed he's like what he skinned full of regret full of wigwam regret he's

like oh god why what have i done what have i gotten myself into she's like i'm here now we can finally start our lives together i can take a nap at your place and move all my stuff into your room he's like yeah great and then of course, James comes by and he introduces himself. And, of course, he's, you know, James is so, he's so skeevy. He's like, you move quickly, Jackse boy. Move real quickly, Jackse boy. I hope you like quick movers because that's what you got, J. Jackse boy. Look at you, Britney.

Love your sweatshirt, darling. You move quicker than my godfather george michael he's so gross jax is so gross too it's like two of the grossest people on bravo in the same scene jax is like well it doesn't matter anymore if i want it or not because she's here dude it took her 32 hours to drive here you changed your mind in 32 hours like you just told her to come here you piece of shit she's they'll be done soon enough oh she's gonna get something out of it first though i can't wait oh yeah well she'll definitely get something if she doesn't already have it if you know what i'm saying well um meanwhile lala on the other side of the restaurant, she is about to go on the local news at five with her anchor woman makeup.

So much foundation on. I mean, it is full on pancake. She just stuck. She just took her face and just stuck it into a big vat of Lancome or whatever. She's wearing more makeup than a guy who works at Sephora. Yeah, that says a lot. I mean, she is camera ready for. I mean, she is. It. I mean, she is.

It's thick. Also, you know who else is wearing way too much makeup? Britney. You know who else? Jax. I mean, Jesus Christ, man. Britney is wearing makeup from like 1982. And she still looks like she's wearing less makeup than you.

Yeah. So Lala has all this makeup on. And James comes over to her and gives her like a kiss on they like kiss as if they're together and she's like oh my god i had no idea that britney was like a real girlfriend like i thought like she was just a girl but it's like a real girlfriend like i never would have flirted with him so much if i had realized that i'm like it's so weird that you're she's telling this to James, the other guy that she's boning or not boning. But like, like, what world is this? Like, what bizarro land is this where you complain about flirting with one guy to the other guy that you're flirting with? It's so strange.

Los Angeles. Yes. I mean, what can you say? And then James, of course, like a little child, runs right over to her. Did you see that Jax has his girlfriend here? Did you see that? Oh, look at Jax with his girlfriend, darling. Look at that.

She's not even a basic bitch. She's just a regular bitch. What do you think of that, darling? Darling, take a good look at this. This is what you could be having for the rest of your life now. With his weird little bobble head. Gross. So that's gross.

And then, of course, Jamesames as classy as ever tells us quite frankly mate he's like calling us mate he's like quite frankly mate she should have fucked my brains out by now she's a tease mate a cool tease all right man well and then i love how it's funny because i i wrote down a note about because james talking about going to hawaii and that i'm like why does j James think he's going to Hawaii? Which of course then becomes a thing later on in the episode. But, um,

then Jax asks for time off from Lisa and she's like, Oh, I hate when they arrange these elaborate group trips. I'm like, woman, you're on a reality show. They do this every single year. Like you love it.

Also, did they build Lisa an office set because lisa don't have no office that she sits there and writes paychecks no they have break no because they own so they own the i think they rent the little office space that's above it which is funny that's where my my former manager used to be that's where i used to go up that was her office so i used to always go up there so it's funny to see the vanderpump rules people there i'm like where's my i know but did they have to pull pandora's name off the door because you know lisa isn't sitting there with pink filing boxes writing out paychecks there is no way in hell that that's happening yeah well the thing is it's like a tiny space up there so it's funny that they're making it look like this big executive executive

office when it's like the size of like a closet yeah it looks like a traditional manager's closet which usually they're you know in the back of the kitchen or you know some empty pantry somewhere it's they're usually sad and it kind of was that but it had those pink filing boxes and i was like she actually goes to an office and i just don't believe that i don't believe it i think it's like pandora's office or something and lisa's like darling i need to sit somewhere i can't watch katie stand there with salt and pepper shakers anymore all right we're sitting we're sitting in your office all right mommy's office now change the name plate yeah so anyway she's giving jack so much shit and lisa loves the scummiest men in the world um muhammad much and that makes me kind

of love lisa you know she just likes her devilish little men she loves james she loves jacks uh so they're talking about hawaii uh and her only question it's like who's gonna be working at the restaurant darling tourists come in here by the busload. Who's going to be our Mickey Mouse, darling? Richard Edison cannot do it. He won't even speak, darling. Eric the bartender doesn't speak. I need someone to speak, darling. Keep James here.

Let me tell you something. The service has never been as good at Sir as when the entire cast goes to Hawaii. All of a sudden it's like, oh, look, I'm getting my appetizer within 10 minutes. Our Cigar rating has gone up 20,000 points. Thank you very much. Suddenly people know what to pair their Pinot Noir with. It's amazing. Go to Hawaii.

Finally, someone knows how to pronounce empanada. Finally, someone can give a proper recommendation for Sicilian penne pasta. Finally, someone could give a proper recommendation for Sicilian penne pasta. So they talk about the invite list and Max is on it. And she's like, please don't take Max, darling. Please don't take. Who wants Max hanging out with this group of idiots on vacation, darling? I mean, look.

And then they show a clip of the terrible things. And then they start adding clips that aren't even vacations. Like Jack's taking off his sweater to fight somebody in the Grove parking lot. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was in Vegas, I thought. Oh, it was? I thought that was at the Mixology or whatever.

Either way, she's like, Max already has an assuming upstream, but with him being adopted and all, the last thing he needs is this group. And then they show Max with his like newly gelled hair and his mustache that's trying to grow and he's apparently boning faith which is so cute you see faith knows faith is gonna hook up right if you're gonna hook up with anybody in this cast make it a vanda pump yeah james is like you know the funny thing about faith is that it was written by my godfather, George Michael. You've got to have faith, faith, faith. You've got to have faith, faith. Hey, Jackseboi. Oh, looks like you lost out to Max, didn't you, Jackseboi?

Too slow. And like, up comes Jackseboi. If your son is trying to have sex with something that my uncle is trying to have sex with in a bathroom, then that's his fault. So speaking of Faith, then there's this scene of Faith and Lala, and Faith is going on this trip, and Faith is like, I'm so excited to go to Hawaii because I really need to get out of the U.S., period. I'm like, oh, Faith, congratulations. You just sealed another season for yourself on Random Hump Rules.

We're like, you seemed nice and friendly, but now that you showed us that you're stupid, you're part of the family. Congratulations. So what did Lala say? She touched James Peepy. Did she have sex with him or just touched his peepee? I don't know. She's like, I touched his peepee. I need my mama.

I touched his peepee. What's it like? And she ignores it. And she like, I touched his peepee. I need my mama. I touched his peepee. Is it big? What is it like? And she ignores it. And she goes, what was Faith saying? Like, why is he even attractive? I don't get it. And my mom's like, I don't know. My mom's like, I don't know.

So then to Kristen's apartment with Katie and Sheena. So Kristen is, you know, trying to keep her job on tv and i sell her t-shirts and i love that like when they show up kristin's like seriously seriously i have some hopefully really good lasagna no carbs no meat i'm like well then it's not i mean no carbs no meat it's you know she's probably gonna serve some raw kale like see it's kale lasagna that's all that shit but they're like look it's it's completely paleo free dairy free gluten free pizza and then it's just like a disc of shit that you try and put mustard on to eat you know yeah gross just eat a piece of pizza or just eat fruits and vegetables but stop trying to turn pizza into something healthy it It's not healthy. Get over it, people. Yeah. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Had to be said. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is our two minute and two minutes. All right. Stance on pizza.

It's in the show notes. Show notes. So they go over to Kristen's, whatever. Of course, it's the discussion about Ariana again. Ariana has had more discussion about her for really doing nothing that she's ever had herself about anything. Like, Ariana barely even speaks. But now everyone's, Ariana, like, no one tells me here to be friends with. Oh, God, Sheena.

I love when she takes these stances. No one tells me. friends with oh my god sheena i love when she takes these stances so they're talking about ariana and then kristen's like oh like what is it like what did i do to her yeah i know i apologize seriously seriously and then katie who turned on kristen for no reason katie's always she always is wishy-washy. Every season, she ping-pongs back and forth between people. She's the worst friend. But then she's like, why can't everybody just be forgiving? Really? Who have you forgiven again?

And then she said, this is reminding me of Stassi. Yeah, the other one that you turned on? Come on now, Katie. So anyway, she's acting like she's a good friend and stuff. And they're talking about what a bitch Ariana is. is and katie goes they act like you killed her dog and then like shit on it and then like peed on it and then like give it a ring just like attached to a string and then like took the ring away and then like threw it down the stairs and then raped it and then buried it and unburied it okay katie jesus calm down over there you know the the difference is that

like with stassi stassi was holding on to like basically nothing and her last play was to get mad at people who were friends with kristin and since sheena was friends with kristin she was mad at sheena and you know she was being over the top ridiculous about it you know because there was the beef with kristin sleeping with jacks while Stassi was with Jax, you know, forget, I've nearly forgotten those days when Stassi was with Jax. But in the case of Ariana,

I think she has a pretty good case for not liking Kristen because Kristen actively tried to destroy Ariana's relationship with Tom. It wasn't just that there was a beef. It was like an active sabotage. It was, wasn't just that there was a beef it was like an active sabotage it was but it's also so silly because ariana was totally fucking tom behind kristen's back and those two being like oh yeah we just made out in vegas one time and now we're just laughing behind the bar and not flirting at all give me a break he was totally fucking that girl the whole time and then working with her and kristen knew and they're acting like they're the victims. Like you guys are the ones who cheated on Kristen. And the fact that I'm even standing up for Kristen about

anything shows what awful people you are. Please never change. Also, Ariana is evolving into a crazy bitch. And you know, because her eyebrow shading has gone off the charts. I don't even know what she's doing. She's picking like a brown pencil now and making square eyebrows for no reason unexplained eyebrow changes are never a good sign there i predicted it yeah it's like it's like in a disaster movie when like animals start like running away from the ocean and then this the jeff goldblum character is like oh well there's a volcano under los angeles that's what that means like no it's not no no everything fine. And the volcano blows up and then all of California falls into the water. That's what happens. When you see the square eyebrows, it's that.

It all starts with a square eyebrow. So Sheena continues her stand and she goes, No one tells me who I can be friends with and not be friends with. By the way, you can't come to Vegas. Sorry. And then she leaves. Like, way to stick it to them, Sheena. Yeah sheena yeah so funny

lisa james they're just putting lisa in every other scene just because queens like us are like we love lisa so they're like okay it is your show you have to be in it she's like oh god now what like well we still got a hidden camera in the refrigerator second by the ice machine go over there all right let's just do another scene by the ice machine yeah so james is like looking at the uh well no that one that's later on before we get to james is uh looking at the schedule james james is looking at the schedule great grammar for me i'm like turning into tara from newlyweds um i'm gonna be shunned upon so before all that happens uh tom and tom start broing out about the proposal and it's just it's basically like a big scene of like dude dude we've been through a lot dude yeah dude yeah dude oh my god let's hug dude

dude and then let out this proposal like burst off dinner and then i'll give a speech and then i'll give her the ring and tom's like no give her the speech and then i'll give a speech and then i'll give her the ring and tom's like no give her the speech and then the ring he's like no dude i was thinking the the speech and then whatever yeah and then he says yeah but if you give her this if you give the speech and then the ring then she's gonna know what's coming no she won't this bitch has been thinking he's gonna propose for five years he can actually propose and she'll think it's a big joke like yeah the shock will be that he's actually got anything even a twisty tie around that yeah fall over in shock exactly and then we learned uh how the toms met each other and i guess tom sandoval had set on a craigslist uh ad for roommate and then so he describes when he met

schwartz he's like well we had the same name we were the same age same initials it just felt like fate it's so rare to find a tom you know tom in los angeles that's why there's so many customers who like each other like there's so many johns. This was killing me too, because in the same episode as she's like, I made you meatless vegan lasagna with no bread or carbs. It's the same episode that it starts showing Tom still being a bachelor. And instead of drinking out of the milk carton,

he was drinking out of a Brita. I was like, that is such a pussy LA thing. Like, yeah, I'm drinking straight out of the milk carton, he was drinking out of a Brita. I was like, that is such a pussy L.A. thing. Like, yeah, man, drinking straight out of the Brita pitcher. I didn't notice that, but that's hilarious and disgusting. You're ruining all the good work at the filter, darling. So Lisa and James are next, yeah? Well, this is after James tells...

For some reason, I started laughing when he was telling some customer, like, Oh, you've got to get the penne to say impasta if you like pasta. I don't know why. That's why he laughed. Please, don't order a pizza. I don't want to get any grease on my setup.

So, yeah. So he's going... He's checking the schedule, and he sees that everyone has next week off because they're going to Hawaii. But James has like working 3.30, 6.30, 1.30, 4.30, 7.30. He's basically all booked. He just basically learns he's not going to Hawaii. And he's like, darling, what are you doing by the refrigerator?

It's like, well, that's where they told me to come to talk to you about this about this hawaii thing it's like darling you can't have off time for hawaii what makes you think you're going to hawaii well everybody else is going off they make don't be a basic bitch why wouldn't i go he's like i don't know why i'm not invited to hawaii i mean i'm going to be staring at lala's tits the whole time, so it's not going to even matter. Yeah, gross. He literally said that. He literally said that. That's gross.

So, yeah. Lisa's like, you're sad. Move along now. I cannot stand by this fridge one more time. All right, back up to Panty's office, darling. Back up to Panty's office. Where's the elevator? of Defendant's Office. Where's the elevator?

So then we go to dinner at Pearl's and it's going to be the dinner where Tom proposes. And the entire scene is like Tom getting really nervous, but what I was really enjoying was all the patter around the table. It was all like, yeah, I went to H&M last night. I went to Zara. It's like, oh my god, it's like Abercrombie.

I'm like, oh my god, your hair is parted differently tonight. Have you guys seen if those doggy cookie jars have gone on clearance yet at Target? Like, it's after the New Year's, and I'm still waiting. I know, right? You know, I went to Cost Plus World Market, and I couldn't help but wonder, like, was this every market in the world? Seems strange. I want to keep going back to Mixology 101, but I feel like at this point i'm ready for mixology 102 so dumb so i like how they're all passive aggressively mocking this britney girl because she is like a little lost puppy like you want to kick it just because when else can you

kick a puppy like it's homeless but then the other part's like no it's so cute maybe i should hug it and then kick it no just kidding i wouldn't do that you guys i'm an animal lover so they feel kind of bad for her and they just want to say like no honey eyebrow pencil eyeshadow let's help you but they can't yet because they're evil crows so they tell her oh wow you drove all that way all by yourself and she's like yeah he's like what i couldn't do it i had to work because it's like a busy week like we have a birthday party and then a birthday party and then hawaii all these important things that are not like helping your girlfriend move in with you right this fucking show so britney's just smiling that big fake smile and she's squinting her eyes every time she goes yeah

i'm happy and she squints her eyes at these girls in that phony junior league lady way where they're saying i know you're a dumb c word and i know you're gonna try and come after me but i'm not as dumb as i look so bring it on, Scariana. I'll take you on. But she just said it with that, yeah. And then they keep like poking at her like they're all in such good relationships. Okay, Ariana cheated to get her husband

and is like forcing him to get rid of a tattoo that was meant to ingratiate himself to her. So she's awful. Katie is still waiting for a ring from a pussy and who else even there isn't a shay god shay's peeing in a cup every night for his girlfriend and has like five canvas on print staring at him none of you are ones to judge okay all back away from britney yeah well i i'm i i do love that, like, that really her only response to anything is just like, yeah. It's like, she really, as much as I was making fun of what everyone was saying around the table, at least they're contributing something.

And she's like, yeah, yeah. Well, she doesn't want to take over the conversation. She's waiting for somebody to bring up hotel pillows. Yeah. She's like, you know what i hate hotel pillows hashtag good night you know what i hate coughing up coal i mean that is the worst in the middle of the night right when you think it's done another another bushel comes out you know what i do love? Fiddle music. One time I went on fiddle.

So stupid. One time I went on Amazon and I ordered some fiddle faddle and I was so mad when it got here and couldn't even play a fiddle. One time I went and saw a fiddler on the roof it had nothing to do with appellation fiddling it was like jewish people and stuff i've never seen so many fat jewish people in my life which is fine and everything but you know if you're gonna tell me you're gonna fiddle don't put a midget up there with a violin on top of a set that That's not right, is it? How come whenever I play the game Fiddlesticks, there's no fiddles? You know what I don't

like? Sticks. I mean, fiddlesticks. What a conundrum, right? You know what I hate? Is when people tell me to stop fiddling with something because I'm like, no, I love fiddles. Hashtag my head hurts from hotel pillows. You know what I really hate is hotel fiddle. Hashtag not having it.

Hashtag goodnight. Y'all, I have jet lags. Could someone bring me a stacking menu to lay my head down on a minute? One time I tried to bring my fiddle on an airplane. They said there's not enough room in the overhead compartment. And I said, you know what? Hashtag fuck you.

Give me a hotel pillow instead. And then I was like, wait, I hate those. That's why I drove. Because I had room for my fetal music. So I have to say, as much as I call Tom number two a pussy. And say his haircut looks terrible. And say he's too old to be such a pussy. And how i want

him just to get hit by a plane falling out of the sky like someone from breaking bad the truth is i actually got teary in this scene and my other admission for 2016 is that i cried in every single newlyweds wedding scene even no everyone ben even people that I hate, I cry. I don't know what it is, but when people get married or there's anything about marriage, I cry. Wow. So I cried. And this, I saw that, and it's almost over. This scene was so good because he actually made it look like they hired actors, one proposed to the other. And then Tom's like, what?

They're rubbing in my face. And he's like, whoa, hold on, man. Hold on. And he takes the ring and comes over to Katie and gets on his knees and proposes. It was good. It faked me out. So I was like, oh, my God, these producers, of course, they would like make sure that there was another engagement happening. I was like, I can't believe that.

I was like, oh, it was part of the joke good for you so whatever pa came with that and didn't get any credit congratulations that was really a good scene you made me feel things and katie like welcome you're officially going to be raising a 40 year old for the rest of your life have fun with that yes yeah exactly and you know it's going to be like three more years before they actually have their wedding oh and in the best part of the entire episode was right at the end first of all he started crying which was so funny he couldn't even propose because he's such a pussy he started crying and then katie calls her mom and she's like mom i'm he proposed and her mom goes seriously yes i thought i started to laugh oh seriously it doesn't fall far from the serious literary yeah so everybody that ends it for today next uh next up thursday we will be talking about

double episodes of vanderpump rules and shasha and what was the other what do you mean you mean no thursday is beverly hills beverly hills and shasha you said vanderpump rules it's beverly And what was the other Thursday? Thursday is Beverly Hills. Beverly Hills and Shesha. You said Vanderpump Rules. It's Beverly Hills, Shesha, and then Newlyweds again. Oh, okay. Yeah, so you heard Ben. Listen to Ben. I do.

And look where I am in life. Everybody, thanks so much. Check out Facebook.com slash WatchWhatCrapHands. WatchWhatCrapHands.com. And for bonus episodes, ring episodes ringtones etc please go to patreon.com slash watchwhatcrappens we love you guys happy new year we will talk to you Thursday okay

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