Watch What Crappens - #256: Simply The Breasts

Episode Date: January 8, 2016

We go deep with "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," "Real Housewives of Cheshire," and the second episode of "Newlyweds: The First Year" 00:00:00 - Intro 00:08:10 - Crappens Mailbag: playing rock, paper, scissors with Bravo characters 00:18:06 - Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Yolanda loses the boobs; everyone else goes to the Hamptons 01:19:21 - Real Housewives of Cheshire: the poke heard 'round the world; Dawn has baby news. 02:03:40 - Newlyweds: The First Year: Crappy Honeymoons and Adonis's terrible wedding See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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I just spent way too long writing way too many words about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills My Trash Talk TV recap. And I'm stoned with Housewives idiocy. Good. Stoned on the Housewives idiocy. And I'm excited. Everyone go check out Ronnie's recaps because they're really funny

and he puts a lot of time and effort into them. So go to TrashTalkTV.com to read those because they is funny. I unfortunately have not done a Real Housewives recap in a long time. The last thing I wrote was a board game review last week. So, you know, that shows where my priorities, that shows where my brain is. Well, I would say that that's a step up, you know, that requires some actual skill to play a board game and stuff. Well, you know, sometimes after we do this show for like five hours a week you know i just can't do any more housewife stuff so i just like turn to my

board games and i give them a big hug and then you know when i write reviews of them it's cool because i want people to to learn about games that i want to spread the joy but then i could also write off the purchase for taxes too so there's that you can anyway i write everything off i mean what are they going to come like search my house to make sure i really use that self-help book for business get out of here they're going to take away a cushion they're going to repossess the cushion i think it's funny that you're off time to avoid housewives is playing board games mine is watching shows like the walking dead i'm, I just need to see someone's face get ripped off. Yeah, well, I'm also watching Making a Murderer.

And for those of you who missed the last episode, our next bonus episode next week, we are going to devote it to Making a Murderer. Ronnie is watching it now. I think I've got like one or two episodes left. We're going to talk about it all. Oh, that's quite a show. And I cannot promise to finish the entire season because I don't want to speed through it.

It's really good. I know. Well, okay, fine. We'll see how far I get because, you know, who knows? That could be literally a whole other podcast. We could do an entire episode on each of those episodes. I could do an entire podcast about the hot reporters that are covering the trial on the show. We should ask the cousin to be a guest on the show.

Like the cousin. They're like, so, ma'am, did you tell the police on this date that your cousin was masturbating on the hood of your car and then sprayed your windshield with his jizz. And she's like, well, I don't remember that part. It's been 20 years yet. Am I supposed to remember every guy? Look, I didn't say he masturbated on the hood. It's just that I was driving, then he was in front of my car, and then he, you know, was pulling on his thing, and it was prepared.

Like, he knew I was coming, and, you know, he pulled on it. Listen, you know that if we had, like, an Avery family member on the podcast, it would just be 40 minutes of us saying, yeah. It would be like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How could they do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How could they do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every conversation, you'll notice. Well, how many episodes are you into it right now, Ronnie?

How many episodes are you into it yet? I'm only 1.5 episodes into it. Okay. Well, you'll see because things are going to get so crazy. You're going to see every phone call. This is the way they answer the phone. They go, hello. One person goes, hello. And the next one goes, yeah. And the way they answer the phone. They go, hello. One person goes, hello.

And the next one goes, yeah. And the next one goes, yeah. It's like this weird, strange mating ritual. And one of our lovely listeners, Mike, he is from that area. So we're going to make him talk like that for the rest of our lives. So actually, so the whole point of this is that we're going to talk about making a murder on our bonus episode. If you want to listen

to our bonus episode, that is for our Patreon subscribers of all levels. I mean, starting at the most basic level. So if you go to patreon.com slash watch where crap ends, you can sign up,

you can make a really minimal commitment or you can make a maximal commitment. We won't stop you, girl. So go. That's super fun. It's a great way to help support our podcast we it really helps us and in fact we have to give another shout out to michael cook one of our greatest boosters who who put a profile of us up on huffington post this week. It was so great. It was so cool. It was really cool. We were profiled, Ronnie, in Huffington Post. Thank you so much, Michael. Yeah, if you want to find that,

you can come to our Facebook page, facebook.com forward slash Watch What Happens. And amongst all the other really cool stuff that's on there, and there really is a lot of cool stuff, but if you go there, we do have a link up to that. And you can read about our podcast, and you'll see how Patreon has helped us, amongst many other things. And, Ronnie, if you think about it, I think we're like four years old this week or the next week. I know we started in January of 2012, right? Oh, my God.

We have to have a birthday show. Oh, my God. We have to figure it out. We're so lazy. We have to have a birthday show oh my god we have to figure out we're so maddie maddie and you know it's funny if you listen to our very first show the first one that made it on the air because our very first one that we recorded there was a corruption with the file so it was ruined and we had a really fun first show with the three of us and then the second show which became our first show matt wasn't available for so it's just me and ronnie but our theme music was that song by what's it called like of like you know that band that finnish band of mice and men or my beasts and men or whatever you know it's like

you know those are two very different things of mice and men and a beast and men oh my gosh well you know one of them is one of them i'd like to think it's of mice and men and a beast. Oh my gosh. Well, you know, one of them is one of them. I'd like to think it's of mice and men. That would be a cute band. Yeah. You know, I'm talking about, doesn't he strangle his retarded brother at the end of that?

Now there's a spoiler making a murderer spoiler. Um, uh, it's, it's by of monsters and men, little talks by a monsters and men. Anyway, a little,

little trivia, but yeah, we've been doing this for like four years now. It's pretty cool. If a. Little Talks by Monsters and Men. Anyway, a little trivia. But yeah, we've been doing this for like four years now. It's pretty cool. If a brother doesn't get strangled, I'm not interested. We have to also thank our super sponsor, Marvin J. Marvin always doing wonderful things for us. We appreciate you so much. And is there any, I mean, watchourcrappens.com.

That's where you find all our social media. So, I mean, I think that's all the shilling that we have to do here at the top. The shills. The shills. Shills, check. Shills, clear the shills. Clear the shills. Clear the shills.

Bad news, Mom. Bad news, Mom. No more shilling to do. All right, close off the gift shop then. Tipsy Elsa's clothes shop, Mom. All right, Mom. No more shilling to do. All right. Close off the gift shop, then. Tipsy Elsa's clothes shop, Mom. All right, Mom. So when the shilling's done, you know what that means? It's time for the man.

Someone on our Facebook page asked, is there a sheep in there? Yes, there is a sheep. I would like to nominate Ben Mandelker for best lyrics of the year with his song Mailbag and the specific lyric. Amazing. So first up in the Patreon, I'm sorry, in the Krappens Mailbag, which if you want to have one of these questions, if you want your question asked, if you want to be in the Crappin's Mailbag, you just go to Patreon. Oh, look at that, a little shill, a little leftover shill.

The first one comes from Teresa Maravich. Oh, Teresa. We like Teresa quite a bit. I'm not sure if I understand her question, but I think we can figure it out. She says, Will you please improvise a rock, paper, scissors of some sort with Magali, Dabi, and Sheree? What? A rock, paper, scissors? Is it that we do rock, paper, scissors, but instead of rock, paper, and scissors, it's like Magali, Dabi, and Sheree?

Or is it that the three of them are playing? Well, should we do both? I guess we would have to do both just to make sure we get it covered. Why not? Okay, first let's be them playing rock, paper, scissors. Magali's like, I hear a rock. I'm like, a rock.

And I see a city. And a paper, I'm like, I'm like, no, whoa, whoa. Did you just rock, paper, scissors me. Did you just rock, paper, scissors me? Did you just rock, rock, paper, scissors? You're a scissors guy. My scissors guy.

You're a scissors guy. They're like, okay, rock, paper, scissors. Dobby's like, what, Dobby? Are you rock, paper, scissors? Oh, Dobby, rock, paper, and scissors? No.

You're only one. Magali, choose one. Magali say no no so i go up there i go i walk right up to i walk right up to dobby and i say listen whoa i say nothing rock paper whoa whoa rock paper wall people war war trumpet don't take sides unfortunately in a sound clip we can't show her crossing her arms as she says it and then nodding like the genie and I dream of gene so good well Magali has two well she has basically two movements if she you know how like video game

characters they like two little animations her first thing is that she puts up her hands like she's a mime in a glass wall. She puts them up like, and then she crosses her arm and does the genie shake. I walk right up to her, I walk right up to Leanne,

and I say, whoa. My rock is going to go right up to the scissor and it's going to say, whoa. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Whoa. Boom, boom, boom. Oh, you got a's going to say whoa no no no no no no whoa boom boom boom oh you got a paper i say no i got a paper you know i know apologize to leanne because her paper she's wrapped right around she wrap around my rock i know apologize for nothing i'm just a rock she paper mcgully crumple paper mcgully stomp on rock mcgali break scissor into. Magali's Magali.

Leanne may want me to get into her paper, but Magali's Magali. Magali break scissor. Okay, so now let's play rock, paper, scissors. Shere Magali Dabi. So wait, so what is the order of what? So Magali, I feel like Magali destroys Dabi, right?

And then... Okay. Wait, who? I don't understand how it works. I feel like Magali destroys Dabi, right? And then. So, okay. Wait, who, I don't understand how it works. I feel like everyone just breaks Dabi. Okay, let's just play. Let's just play and see. Okay, ready? So we'll say Magali, Dabi, Shirei.

Magali, Dabi, Shirei. Okay, I chose Shirei. I chose a Shirei also. Okay, try it again. Okay, so Shireis are equal because they can both go. Okay. Magali, Dabi, Shirei. I chose Dabi.

Oh. Shirei. I think actually Dabi destroys Shirei because Dabi goes, and Shirei goes, what did you say? What did you say? And then Shirei just loses her mind because she can't understand what dobby's saying also dobby wins because sheree has a mattress on the ground and dobby has multiple couches she could sleep on yeah and also according to don dobby is super fat so she can just roll over her oh i didn't mean to fat shame you dob Darby. I was just going with the joke. Just trying to find any reason why you beat Sheree.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Okay, let's play again. Okay. Magali, Darby, Sheree. I chose Magali. I chose Darby. Oh, I say Magali.

Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. I swallow you up. I say. Darby. I just you up. I say... Daddy. I just love perfection. I can't just talk to her. I just wish she could tell me instructions. Are you listening?

Darby. No matter how many times you play that clip, I'm always shocked that she's even worse than we make her sound. That's what we're doing about the band this week. Yeah. We're having a meeting. Yeah. Okay.

So you chose Magali and I chose Dobby. I think Dobby trumps Magali because Dobby doesn't have a reason for such a silly name. It's just a silly name. It's like Magali is from someplace else. Dobby is just like a reason for such a silly name. It's just a silly name. It's like Magali's from someplace else. Dobby's just like a tree elf name. No, well, her name is Darby, but Dom pronounces it as Dobby. No, it's Dobby. It's D-O-B-B-Y, damn it.

That's how it is in my head, and that's how it is in real life. No, I write it as Dobby, but her name is Darby. The house elf from Harry Potter, and he's all sad because he's abused. It just makes me feel so bad for Darby. The house elf from Harry Potter. And he's all sad because he's abused. It just makes me feel so bad for Darby. I don't think that Magali beats anyone in Rochambeau because Magali's whole thing is that she talks a big game. And then she's like, well, I walk up with my rock and I go to the scissor. And then the scissor get mad at me. And I go to try to bang on the scissor.

And then I say, what are under the bridge? We're now you're angry or she'll be like i go but i say you know what now it's time for me to be quiet i'm just gonna sit back and watch scissor and paper i almost go up with my paper and cover the rock and then i say whoa no instead of cover the rock, I wrap the rock. Because this adult, Magali, is Magali. There's too many things in life to be worried about. You know, I have things in my life. Paper has things in his life. Scissor has things in life.

We can't do this. I was going to be rock and crush the scissor in two. And then I said, whoa, no, Magali. No one need broken scissor. I was going to break scissor in two and then i said whoa no mcgully no one need broken scissor i was going to break scissor in two but then i'm not going to break scissor in two just because paper wants me to do that so you know mcgully is mcgully i break what i want to break and you know what i want to do nothing whoa whoa lean whoa whoa i have i i'm made of i'm a rock. I'm made of minerals. Caesar made of minerals.

I'm hard. Caesar hard. You know, I'm like, whoa, we could be friends. I'm from Amsterdam. This is her from China. So, whoa, you know, culture, whoa. You know, I kind of like Caesar. I mean, Caesar talks a lot, but, you know, I like her.

I cannot crush a Caesar salad. It's my favorite, you know, I like her. I cannot crush a scissor salad. It's my favorite, you know? Whoa. Whoa. So, Paper and I, we'll go to lunch for three hours. And we're going to talk about things. And then drive around. Whoa.

Whoa. Hmm. What else is in the mailbag? Aubrey, she asks, would you rather have true love or $100,000? The $100,000 is tax-free. But if you took the money, you could rather have true love or $100,000? The $100,000 is tax-free, but if you took the money, you could never have true love. I would take the true love, I think.

Yeah, true love. Me too. I mean, maybe a million tax-free. Listen, $100,000 does not last you very much these days. $100,000 would be nice, but you can always theoretically gain that back. Besides, what if your true love is with someone who already has $100,000 would be nice, but you can always, you know, theoretically gain that back.

Besides, what if your true love is with someone who already has $100,000? Done it. Yes, I can't imagine finding true love

with a poor person. So, if I find true love, hopefully it will be with, you know, a stakeholder in Wells Fargo. Yeah. But,

yeah, that was a pretty easy one. That was an easy one, Aubrey. Try to stump us next time. I'm so romantic. Oh, I've a pretty easy one. That was an easy one, Aubrey. Try to stump us next time. I'm so romantic. Oh, I've already found true love. I've already found true love. Oh, me too.

I just ate Ben and Jerry's peanut butter fudge core last night. It was the first time that I'd gotten a boner without trying in my life. It's like a boner of fudge inside your inside your ice cream my tongue is still hard darling oh it's like a it's like your ice cream has a poop shoot gross you'll never eat it the same way yes you will all right so let's move on to some telly bean yeah wait closing theme closing theme oh Yeah, wait. Closing theme. Closing theme. Oh. Grabbed a smell bag. Grabbed a smell bag. By the way, I set the...

So, you know what's funny? I set my freaking stopwatch to be like, okay. I got my stopwatch ready to be like, okay, I'm going to time this. That way when I do the time codes, I'll know where everything is. I never even pressed start. Oh, man. Okay, well... Well, it ended at 17 minutes.

I can only do that. I just look at my Skype timer. Well, Skype timer's messed up because we've been skyping for a while before. Either way, we'll figure it out. I will survive, everyone. Please. So today we're going to talk about Beverly Hills, Shasha, and Newlyweds the first year. Perhaps not in that order.

But we definitely have to obviously start with Beverly Hills, right? It's our top show. Yes, and we've also got double episodes of both Beverly Hills and Shasha. We're talking about last week's episodes? Yes, aren't we? I didn't realize we were talking about last week's episode. I didn't take notes on them. I can talk about them.

I've got 30 pages of them, don't you worry. Oh, I didn't realize I thought they were just going to be lost in the ether Oh no There were such good episodes on both shows So much happened Well not a lot on Cheshire But so much funny stuff happened

But Beverly Hills actually had a lot happen last week We've got to discuss it Alright well I guess you better You better lead the charge Because I don't have notes for last week okay so you want to do Bev Hills first yeah we better get started because we have a lot of stuff to talk about then

okay we have a lot of stuff to talk about yet as they would say okay well we could do just the basics but then no it'll take me forever to read through all these notes so let me see here okay so we open in Kyle's store and Lisa Rinna. Wait,

is this last week or two weeks ago? Yeah. Yeah. So we opened in Kyle's store last week. Lisa Rinna is going in to get free shit that Mauricio promised her for her birthday or something. But anyway, they're going to Kyle's pop-up shop in the Hamptons.

So their big group trip is announced. Or one of them. I don't know where the big group trip is this year. Do you? I don't know. This is just a sub-trip. Yeah, this is just like a little Hamptons trip. So Kyle says she opens a pop-up shop. Isn't a pop-up shop like a temporary thing?

Yeah. Okay. I thought so. Because she's making it sound like she just opened a hot dog on a stick in the mall like something permanent you know right um okay so they're gonna go there lisa vanderpump blah blah blah okay so the swan drama from last week how many swans are there in that pond there are there are enough there are enough enough there's start now right weren't there just two and then hanky there's hanky panky because hanky is part of hanky panky oh so hanky has always been there

yeah they came they're like a they're like a set but but panky panky is like the quiet well panky doesn't need the drive pank if we're gonna describe them hanky is like paris and panky is like nikki you know paris is in front of the the the flash not the flashlights well she's probably in front of flashlights too she's in front of the uh the the cameras and uh you know nikki is a little bit more subdued that panky is the is the more you know she's not the drama queen hanky is like throwing a fit and getting a fake disease because he's a drama queen and then nikki hilton swan is just like quietly finding a richer man and like having the best merger of all time

you know what hanky wins in the end yeah i'm calling it yeah exactly um so there's some swan stuff this um swan is faking an illness for attention which is so amazing because yolanda swan it's yolanda yeah it's two people on the same show sharing the same storyline but lisa's um the fact that lisa can read so deeply into herself without even knowing it like she says hanky is the most important to me because you know swans need you they depend on me to live henky couldn't live on his own henky can't just walk down the street and live he needs me he needs his mummy and um yolanda would have a much easier season if she was like lisa would you please come to my bedside i I need you. And Lisa would have been like, broken, you're a whore.

I'll take care of her forever. Be nice to Yolanda. Just put Yolanda in the pond. Yolanda better keep her options open at this point. Be nice to Lisa, darling. You might need to float around in that pond for a while. I was going to save up money for a ranch, but I thought I was going to die. So I thought I wouldn't need it.

So the hanky drama, blah, blah, blah. Okay, so I guess the big thing that happened in this episode was the girls all met. Erica Jane. Erica Jane. For the first time. So I'm a whore. So what? Pomp the bus.

I know all these ladies are looking at me thinking I've just sucked a dick. And guess what? I did. So the fuck what? Okay. Whoa.

You're going a little far with your hoe pride there. All right, darling. You don't need to wear dresses with like gaping hole patterns to prove a point. So she's meeting them. She looks kind of terrified to meet the ladies,

which I don't really blame her. But I guess before we get to the huge party, she meets Kyle in the park and Yolanda gets out of Erica's little car. And she's like, Oh, getting out of the car is hard. It hurts. It really hurts.

Come on. She's like, I've made such improvements I can go to a bench now. This is the first time I've been in the passenger seat in a car in over five years. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Andrea Bocelli. Oh, no, it's just me on a bench. So Erica meets Kyle. Kyle tells us that it's totally tacky that Lisa Rinna said Munchausen's, and I don't want to say Munchausen's right now just because Lisa Rinna said it.

So I'm not going to tell Yolanda that Lisainna said it so um i'm not gonna tell yolanda that lisa rinna said she had much asins we caught kyle yeah kyle's the least subtle setter upper of all time yeah uh so instead she tries to get at it in her own stupid way and say maybe your illness is like when my mom died like i got fat and then i got really depressed and then i started to refuse to cut my hair and it turns out just i was just depressed yolanda's like it's not just depression okay yeah yolanda did not want to hear that no yolanda yolanda don't play that it's like it is not just depression it It is everything. When your mother died, could you not walk for over 11 years? Oh, Jesus, Yolanda.

Did you have to clean out your carburetor when your mother died? It is not the same thing. It's like, oh, my God. You don't need new brakes because you have Lyme disease, Yolanda. So anyway, Kyle, depression, blah, blah, blah. Then it turns to Erica, who has a young son who's a cop. Mm-hmm. Which, yeah.

And I don't really care about any of that. What does she start here? So they start, does Kyle drop hints about the Lisa Rinna thing here? No. I don't remember. You know what? Let's just stop this because this is going to be crazy for me to like just sit here i know i'm like this is like 12 days ago it is all i remember from the episode i mean if you want to talk about the highlights i can talk about the highlights but like going through beat by beat i'm like yeah that happened too

i'm like i remember i remember they went to a bench oh yeah no but i'm like i'm just like sitting here like story time i'm like okay yeah no one needs to like sit through me but what is here that here are the things that were important from that episode one was that we got a lot of hanky and that hanky like uh shat i think did hanky shit on lisa or no i'm sorry hanky bit lisa made her bleed which was a big no-no. I mean, not even Brandy did that. Or Valentine, because, you know, Lisa loves that shit. She's like, oh, Hanky bit me. He didn't mean it.

Oh, Hanky. And then she's like, Hanky, you're like Gollum. Be more romantic, Hanky. Hanky, I did enjoy them, like, what they do to get Hanky. They sneak up behind Hanky and grab him by the neck. It's actually pretty violent. Hanky's like, blah. That's what they should have been doing to Brandy a long time ago.

Grab her by the neck and throw her in a crate. That's what I said. And I even got a gif of them strangling Hanky. It says, you better behave yourself, young lady. No wonder why Hanky's acting out. That's the way he gets treated at home. lady no wonder why hanky's acting out that's the way he gets treated at home um no i actually i'm actually surprised that they are able to be like so hands-on with hanky because swans are famously evil they like attack people i mentioned it before they drowned a guy like three years ago in a pond

look if you can't be drowned by a swan in a pond then you deserve to be drowned it's true and that's like the ultimate weakness right there so the other thing was that Yolanda was this the episode where Yolanda brought Gigi and the other one and the other other one and was like just so you know I'm gonna go to Cleveland next week

where I may die so here's the will and they're like mom why are you talking like this she's like no I'm not talking like this i'm just saying i might die that's all oh mother i only want to see my children grow like what you're not dying you have leaky implants she's like no i don't want to make you people you're you you lovely children i don't want to make you crazy, but take half my money if I die. It's like, Yolanda, you're going to make your kids crazy. Please don't call the other ones by their name.

I don't want them getting big egos when I die. Yeah. I don't want to cry wolf, but I'm going to die next week. I want to live for Gigi. And I did love how, like, the will, it was like, to Gigi, and then in small font to the side, and Bella and Anwar. Cece, Cece, the other ones. You'll get what Gigi says. Girl, what is in that will anyway?

What's left? She's giving away old crackers from Mohammed's pantry I mean what the fuck are you giving away She's like my slippers Go to Gigi My white jeans Go to Gigi And I want to give Bella

My old implants for you to hold To remind you of mommy's boobies Don't make the same mistake Mommy made Do not sleep on your stomach My old implants for you to hold. To remind you of mommy's boobies. Don't make the same mistake mommy made. Do not sleep on your stomach. Now, I don't give them to Gigi because Gigi doesn't make mistakes. But Bella, you know, she has problems. For this, I leave duct tape to Bella.

Please, keep your mouth shut or you will never find husband. Love, your dead mother. To Anwar, I give you this special bag of little miniature toothpaste and toothbrush and dental floss that I got from dentists. There's a tooth on the bag that's smiling and I want you to think of that tooth when I die. I would like to leave Blanca to Blanca. Blanca, you are free. Marry the man who sells little mermaid towels on my property. To the other other one, I would like to leave this audio jack from a 1995 Discman.

It will be wonderful for you. I bought it at Radio Shack before I met Muhammad. Oh, and speaking of them, another thing that was announced this episode, when Yolanda's talking to Kyle, because Kyle's like, are you sure it's not just, you're not depressed that my mom died? She's like, no. And you still haven't lost a dead weight. Kyle starts kind of questioning her in Kyle's not so subtle way. Andolanda's like, oh yes this disease is pervasive.

It has taken my children. My whole life all I want to work for is to save my children. And Kyle's like, what? What do you mean? She's like, oh yes. Bella was diagnosed with the Lyme when she could not make course calculation anymore

and then she had to drop out of high school. I'm like, really? Maybe she had to drop out of high school. I'm like, really? Maybe she had to drop out of high school because she was always drunk and ditching and like snorting shit off the bathroom floor. Now we're blaming everything on Lyme. It's like bad, you know. Yeah. The only reason why she had DUI is because the Lyme.

It impaired her judgment. She thought the alcohol was actually medicine. Poor Bella. I'm dedicating the rest of my short life to passing laws where you should not get DWLs. Stupid.

Hilarious because really now Bella and Anwar have limes and I know. And she's like, oh, you know, we got it. Kyle goes, what is it, running the family? I mean, Jesus Christ, was there lime in your Brita? Like how is everybody in your family getting lime? And Yolanda goes, oh, we lived on horse ranch.

So there were horses everywhere. The babies were raised by horses. And she says Bella got it three years ago. How does that make any sense? You weren't living on a damn horse farm three years ago. I just don't understand why if you have been ailing from this disease, why weren't you more diligent about checking for ticks with your kids for crying out loud? I mean, just look for the bullseye rash.

Although, asterisk, I understand that the bullseye rash doesn't always show up but seriously seriously seriously and how often do you think she looked over the other ones never blanca check for ticks they could be missing their legs and she'd be like you're not walking as fast as gg shame on you yeah two with your mouth closed other one well you know you know that yolanda was on gg Two with your mouth closed, other one. Well, you know that Yolanda was on Gigi, like those little monkeys grooming each other. You know, one monkey sits behind the other and like plucks out things. That's like Yolanda like checking for ticks,

whereas Bella and Anwar are like pig pen. They're like in a dust cloud, and Yolanda's like, goodbye, children. I'm so tired. My Lyme disease makes me so that I can only check Gigi for ticks. That's it well yolanda is officially effing nuts at this point now she's just making shit up for her kids just so she has someone to keep her company on her like tour of marriott ballrooms where she

talks about living with 500 offshoots of lime get out of here lady yeah so the other thing the only other thing that the other major thing that i can think of that happened on that episode was that all the women got together at the sofitel to have just like tea or something where they could all meet erica jane and um that's you know among the things that happens you know lisa lisa sort of vetted out erica jane and sort of was like asking her what's it like to have sex with you know someone who's 500 years old and you know erica sort of like let it roll she she was like she she she hung she hung with like lisa's things and you could see that lisa was testing her and and she passed lisa's test which was cool and she knew lisa was gonna test her it's like this girl has dealt with madams her whole life

and that's basically what lisa is it's like, welcome to Villa Hossa, darling. Earn your room. And she was totally giving this girl like a litmus ho test, like a hopeless test or something. And Erica, like she answered the way she should have. Yes. She was sitting up very straight. And Lisa liked it. Lisa, you know. Yeah.

She likes someone who can like take it, you know, yeah, she she'd like someone who who can who can like take it, you know. So then the other thing, though, was that Yolanda starts talking about Taylor. What? Remember a few weeks ago when Taylor was talking to Lisa Rinna about like Yolanda's sickness and Yolanda's like, I don't know if she has to talk about that to Lisa Rinna or whatever. And Eileen got confused and thought that that well, I should say got confused, quote unquote confused. And she thought that Yolanda was talking about Lisa Rinna talking about the Munchausen. So then after like a whole episode of all the women agreeing, like, yeah, we should not tell Yolanda. She doesn't need to know. Okay, so here's the plan.

Don't tell Yolanda that Lisa was talking about her having Munchausen. Okay, don't tell. So the first thing that Eileen does having Munchausen. Okay, don't tell. So the first thing that Eileen does is like, well, you know, I think that when, you know, Lisa was maybe saying something about you having Munchausen, I think she just got caught up in a conversation. Yolanda's like, what? I was talking about Taylor.

Eileen's like, sorry. Eileen's like, you know that everybody's talking about this, right? She's like, no, not really. Well, what is everybody saying? And then she's like uh no not really well what is everybody saying and then she's like well you know like it's a conversation i don't want to talk about it this i do not know i would not discuss it and she leaves awkwardly yeah like bitch you brought this up you were the one who said what did taylor say on instagram about or what did she say about my instagram or whatever it's not like that's the

kyle disease where kyle brings something up and then goes i don't want to talk about it how could you even do that to me do you want me to air out your dirty laundry you were the one who brought it up idiot either way i thought it was funny it reminded me when eileen did that it reminded me remember that scene in dumb and dumber when jim carrey is like practicing what he's gonna say to lauren holly he's like I want to make love to you. No, no, no, no. You make me feel like a little boy. And then she comes out and he goes, I want to make love to a little boy.

She's like, what? That's what Eileen did. Pretty much. Eileen's just working all the damn time. Like her scenes are like, I'm tired from work. she's like am i not am i not supposed to tell uh my i'm not supposed to tell yolanda about munchausen or i am supposed to tell her about munchausen and not supposed to tell the evil count on days i don't remember she just can't keep her scenes right the erica what was i going to say about that erica and lisa test uh erica came erica's not sure she's supposed to fight

with lisa because she's friends with yolanda so of course she's supposed to fight with lisa test uh erica came erica's not sure she's supposed to fight with lisa because she's friends with yolanda so of course she's supposed to fight with lisa and then she's kyle's doing her best to befriend her newest little purse gun because kyle always tries to use the dumb hoe against lisa vanderpump so she's already trying that kyle's learned her lesson she knows she's got to just stick with lisa no matter what she tried to buck against lisa and she suffered for like three seasons she's learned her lesson she is not leaving she's totally yes she is she's totally trying to buck her she's already doing it you don't see oh but because the because the hotel controversy well no i mean yeah i mean that's a little tiny part but i don't think so

uh i think in this she's so excited she even't think so. I think in this, she's so excited. She even says something like, well, I love Erica because she's so outspoken. I'm not sure how much Lisa Vanderpump's going to like her. And I'm like, you know what? You wish. Lisa Vanderpump loves an honest hoe, you little sniveling. I don't know. I don't see Kyle. She may not like it, but she's staying on Team Vanderpump.

She learned her lesson. One thing you can't take away from Kyle is that she's pretty aware of her image. Season one, she was a straight-up bitch, and then all of a sudden after that, she's always been like, Oh, I don't know. She's got her ear to the ground, and she may miss steps, but at this point, she's course-corrected herself. Well, not course-corrected, but she knows what side to play on. She learned the hard way about what happens when you play against her. Well, she's going to pretend she's playing on that side while she's trying to use this hoe as a weapon.

You watch! That's my prediction. Who knows? All right. Sounds good. Sometimes they're right. Often they're wrong. But that's what I'm seeing.

And then the thing where they moved to the hotel, I think the only issue with that was you had all this time that you were making alternate arrangements. You couldn't – I mean, what, was Lisa on a helicopter for 30 minutes? I don't know. Well, we'll get to the hotel thing in a moment. So we'll start – so this week's episode, speaking of Kyle, begins with Kyle. in a moment. So we'll start, so this week's episode,

speaking of Kyle, begins with Kyle. And it's just probably our 35th Kyle Richards packing montage. Oh my God, if I ever have to see this woman pack again, I'm just going to like

fling myself off the balcony. How many times do I have to watch Kyle? She should just have a suitcase that's already packed. I mean, we see Lisa Vanderpump pack also a lot,

but usually her packing is her sort of standing around and then talking with ken about their gossiping with ken but with kyle it's always like one of her daughters is watching and kyle's like oh my god i don't know what to bet i don't want to bring i should do this should i do this and in this case her closet fell apart like oh i don't need to watch kyle pack every single time she goes somewhere. It's like they're attacking us with terrible patterns. Just leave my eyes alone, Kyle. Oh, darling, just have a pre-packed bag at all times. That's what you do. Let's get a checklist.

Should I bring this transparent lace dress or this transparent lace dress? They both look like paper doilies from a catering event okay you look like a weird old lady getting baptized like it's not the right outfit even porsche was bored with it you know porsche was like can i please just go down to the kitchen and sit on the counter i do not want to watch this anymore so kyle was packing because she's going to the Hamptons to check in on her pop-up. Which, by the way, not to jump forward, at no point during this episode did she ever visit her pop-up. She just gets there. It's like, oh yeah, I have a business, but I'm just going to go to the hotel instead.

You know it's poor Aileen over there. Yeah. Working 12 hours a day. The original Aileen. Rolling that hot dog cart around with some bad patterns on it yeah aileen one not to be confused with aileen two um so uh so then meanwhile over in philadelphia lisa rinna's walking around poor poor lisa rinna i mean this is like you know i just always feel bad when when these people get shoved off.

This is twice now. She gets shoved off to like rural Ohio. Now she's going to rural Pennsylvania. Well, that's what it is when you actually have a job. All right. Rinna, it's like the rest of them are like, look at my glorious five star hotel room. And poor Rinna's checking in at the Sheraton. They're like, we've given you our biggest suite.

It still smells like Benson and Hedges from like the 70s. But, you know, we did what we could. And she says, whenever I travel, I have to wipe everything down with alcohol wipes. I'm so anal. So many cooties. That's called being smart. You're staying in a Sheraton, darling. That room hasn't been remodeled since Three's Company was on the air.

Wipe it down. It's beyond. They don't even take her bags. They don't even have a bellhop for her. She just has to lug her bags up to the presidential suite at the Sheraton of Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

Poor Lisa Rinna. You're a bigger star than that. The QVC scenes were so funny because they all talk like Lisa Rinna. You're a bigger star than that. The QVC scenes were so funny because they all talk like Lisa Rinna. They're all salespeople on TV. And so they walk around. They're like, hey, honey, I love you. Oh, how are you, honey? I love you so much.

Great. I'm great. I just got finished designing dresses for the Hilton murder. Really? Those were everywhere. I love you. I love those. What an amazing dress. I love the Hilton murder. Really? Those were everywhere. I love you. I love those. What an amazing dress.

I love the Hiltons. I love the Rothschilds. Oh, IRAs. Do you have an IRA? I love IRAs. Oh, yeah. I knew the guy who started IRAs. Ira.

Love you. Love you. Yeah. I actually had the same exact note. I was like, they talk exactly the same. It's like, the wedding was beyond. Was it beyond? It was beyond.

Oh, my God. Step into my office. Let's talk about it. Let's talk about it. So good. And then she talked to Isaac Mizrahi, who's the same. He's like, hey, Tom. Love you.

Love you, Isaac. How's Shirley today? Because they call all the customers of QVC she's buying she or Shirley what does he call them Shirley she calls them Shirley but Isaac Masrahi calls them she like oh she's buying today so good

yeah meanwhile then over back in Beverly Hills Erica Jane she we see like a little slice of life for Erica Jane she's basically walking around her backyard be like all right we need to chop down this tree because it's moldy on the inside I hate that flower bed um there's no water in the hot tub uh yeah that's great and she's like Don Rickles approved the um new two pool tiles that I ordered um I'm waiting for

that expense to be approved so so send him a memo. She's being followed around by some little cam girl who's like, Yeah, I'm riding it down! Totally riding it down! And, you know, I feel bad because I like Erica, but when she's talking about her house, she's like, Yeah, I have this great interior designer.

This place, we just brought it more glamorous i'm like no it's not glamorous at all it's like ashley furniture it is pure ashley furniture like brown and knobby and overly ornate actually furniture to me it looks like she's trying like she's married to don rickles but she's really trying to attract robert goulay because it's that too ornate um you know that it's like painted foam you know like some of those gold columns you're like i know that's a foam set piece it's spray painted gold it doesn't look right no one needs that house yeah it's a little too roc-y. It's just too much, too many curlies and curlies and little ornaments and leaves and too much, too much.

Yeah. So then Erica goes upstairs because she's about to go to Chicago Gay Pride to perform and her gay is there. And they're like packing. So it's like more like, you know, typical craziness. He's like, we need more trunks, at least two more trunks. Get the trunks up here.

He's like, I love Pac-Man trunks. I'm like, this is really fascinating. He's like, would you like this costume or this costume that looks exactly the same as that costume or this costume that looks like that? Which one of these red sparkle guns should we take? Oh, my God. I love them all. And of course, he's like a total fawning gay. He's like, you have the best boobs ever. I hope you don't have to

take them out because yours are like perfect. Oh my god, you're perfect. Everything about you is perfect. I wish I had your badge. I'd wear my sleeve, but I'm so glad I don't have it. You're great, Erica. This scene was so tasteless. Okay. He started the boobs thing after she said, yeah, so I met

these girls and they're like questioning yolanda's lemon disease and he's like oh my god she's like yeah and like she has to get her boobs taken out and he's like speaking of boobs yeah your boobs are amazing she's like yeah right they're not leaking because i got the best ones. Jesus Christ. It goes from this sensitive conversation about a boob leak slash lime leak and then it leads to how great your boobs are and what crotchless underwear you're going to wear for some misspelled song. Exactly.

And this is like classic gay humor. This is classic almost like drag humor when she's like, I was thinking about wearing this skirt. And he's like, like oh you got a nice breeze for your vag and she's like i'm like what's funny about that you just mentioned vagina you just said vag and now you're like it's like that's my that's like my ongoing issue with with gay humor is that like sometimes people just say like outrageous things or vulgar, but they're not really funny. They're just things that are said. I like it. Leave it to Beaver.

Well, that's funnier. I'm working on it on his behalf. I'm working on it on his behalf. I'm going to perfect it, and then I'll teach it to him, and we're going to improve the gay experience, you guys. Yeah. Can you hear me,onnie by the way yeah because it's weird my laptop is actually frozen but we're still speaking you better start recording just in case i think it's right then everything is working it's just

that my mouse is not moving right rose that's scary yeah it's scary but i'm backing it up please back it up back it up so the next thing is uh yolanda's wearing uh makeup wait what what scene is this lime glow i'm writing um okay yeah so this so I guess I'm on the wrong scene Because we already talked about all that So now it's Lisa and Ken Are packing, right? Again? Oh my god Lisa's like

Look at this hat Kyle gave it to me Oh, that reminds me Kim Richards was arrested in a target Today, darling She's so She's such a terrible actress a target today, darling. She's such a terrible actress. That's how you know when Lisa Vanderpump is being real, you know, because she cannot act. She's hilarious.

Oh, look at this straw hat. That reminds me. Really? That cheap dollar store straw hat from Kyle reminds you of kim robbing the dollar aisle well actually that makes sense all right well done you're you're a better actress than i gave you credit for yeah so this was the day that kim gets arrested in the target of trying to walk out with 600 worth of toys they said but on the tm, I'm pretty sure it said the dollar aisle stuff because I'll never forget that shit.

Hilarious. So she, of course, Lisa loves to talk about Twitch's terrible behavior with Kyle because she knows it makes Kyle crazy. So immediately she's like, let's call Kyle on camera on the speakerphone. Listen to her cry, darling. Better than the new Adele song. So she calls and Kyle's like, hello. Hello. Darling.

And then she just stands there patting into the phone. She's like, hmm. Yeah. I don't want to talk about it. I just don't want to talk about it. Oh, I understand, darling. You don't want to talk about it I just don't want to talk about it oh I understand darling you don't want to talk about it but she must have been

smoking the marijuana or something darling because who tries to steal toys from Target like that darling why didn't they just go up to her and say darling are you drunk you know what happened to that what are police doing these days darling I don't want to talk about it I don't want to talk about it.

Well, I don't want to talk about it either, darling. I mean, aren't you embarrassed that your sister was in a Target, darling? I've never even seen the inside of a Target, darling. I don't even know what a Target is. How could one be inside of a Target? I thought it was a thing that you throw bone hours at. I don't get it. It was killing me.

Karen's like, no, I don't want to talk about it. Oh, darling, I don't get it it was killing me i was like no i don't want to talk about it oh darling i don't either has kim ever thrown up in your car tell me the truth darling i think she's addicted to the drugs do you think it was the medication it's not medication is not the issue okay my favorite part about it was lisa's um how her fake her fake sympathy where she's like I just feel so depressed just thinking about it and it's like anyway off to the Hamptons oh Kim's

arrest has depressed Kyle and Kyle's depression has depressed me Kyle's ruining my trip before it's begun with Kim's depression so she ends up going to the old Hampies because she's going to ruining my trip before it's begun with Kim's depression. So she ends up going to the old Hampies because she's going to be on the cover of The Other One magazine.

The Other One magazine. Oh, The Other One. You know she's just doing that to piss off Yolanda. I know. She wouldn't go on Bella magazine. Yolanda's like, now She wouldn't go on Bella magazine. Yolanda's like, now I know that

the Lyme disease has gotten into my brain because there's a magazine named for the other one and that would not happen. My brain is making up things. I cannot comprehend a magazine based on Bella. Don't you mean Gigi magazine, yes? No, it's Bella magazine. No, it doesn't make

sense. There's a Gigi magazine. yes? Gigi? No, no, it's Bella magazine. No, no, it doesn't make sense. There's a Gigi magazine. There's no Bella. They even changed the Italian word to mean pretty to Gigi instead of Bella. Gigi has revolutionized the Italian language. So, what happens after this? So, then we go over to Eileen's house and she's packing this is so depressing eileen's house i know and dickie's like why'd you pay 400 for this dress she's like and i like that eileen's like she says in the in the interview she's like you know i don't

question you know if he keeps questioning me about my addresses i'm gonna have to start mentioning his football bats i was like oh dang and then it cuts her being like well what about your football bets i was like oh she wasted no time then her mind was made up she's like that's it i'm i am questioning him about his football yeah yeah took no time to do that it's like how could you spend all that money do you know how many children on on the Indian reservation that could have fed if I donated that money to the casino? She's like, Jesus Christ, Vince, it's a dress. Yeah. I like when she goes, shut up.

It's pretty. I just like when she goes stuff like that. But yeah, he's got to take a seat. Okay. She is out there working every single day. She's memorizing lines and lines and lines of dialogue. Okay. is out there working every single day she's memorizing lines and lines and lines of dialogue okay and she's commuting from malibu to cbs television city which is a far drive so vince

you just calm down and just get back to your online poker room no kidding until i see scenes of vince working someplace doing something ever at all shut up yeah seriously you yeah yeah shut up Shut up. Yeah, seriously. Shut up, you. Yeah, yeah, shut up. Shut up. It's pretty.

So then elsewhere in Malibu, Yolanda is waking up. She's like, good morning, Blanca. And she's pouring herself some dessert. Not dessert, breakfast. And she starts to put the milk in the cupboard instead of the refrigerator. She like see it's lime disease the lime disease make me do it i'm like please it's just morning i do that too a serious side effect of lime disease is constantly curdled milk you know you know you're someone's home who's really suffering when they keep putting milk in weird places classic lime classic lime oh there you go hug me blanca hug me put it on the poster board and blanca's like um my name is esmeralda

b you've changed my uniform to scrubs i'm not a nurse. And C, everything's going to be fine. Blanca's like, now I know you're really crazy because you're letting me touch you. This line is just serious. Blanca used to be normal, and then she hugged me, and now she is putting milk in the pantry.

Blanca, I don't know what I would do without you. You know what? You're now the other one, and the other one is now the other one. And Anwar is now Blanca, I don't know what I would do without you. You know what? You're now the other one. And the other one is now the other one. And Anwar is now Blanca. New Blanca. Now that we have hugged, I need you to be Anwar.

Poor Blanca, man. That is like the hardest working woman in show business, putting up with that shit. Yeah, she has to like hear him i mean sorry hear her like she basically has to be a sounding board just has to agree with everything that yolanda says um she's gonna get her implants out so she tells us about her implants and classy cough nice classy white trash cough in your face. She tells us about her implants. And she says she got an MRI. And she had cysts on her breasts.

And then realized that her implants were leaking. So is she saying she has cysts and she had implants? Or she had implant leaks that they thought were cysts? Because those are just like little blobs from a lava lamp really. I think that's what it was. i think that they discovered there was silicon everywhere which is not good i mean of all the things that yolanda has been suffering from this sounds like the most concrete like okay yeah she's got leaky implants she should take care of that oh yeah yeah of course could you imagine i'm like she's'm like, she's faking it. She's faking leaking implants.

I was just curious if we were talking about cis and that. Because I don't know. I'm just trying to basically keep my own poster board of Yolanda's diseases. Because I don't like getting lost. I know. For that, you'll have to consult Daisy, the health advocate. Oh, God. Daisy, the old slag. Yeah. When I save up the $200 to pay for an hour of that old slag's time, I'll get right on it.

Yeah, seriously. So then Erica and Joe have lunch at the Palm in Beverly Hills. And they just sort of like are there hanging out. And the chief of police comes by. And they all hug. They chat. This was really an awkward scene. Because Don Rickles

looks totally bored. He's like, what's up, hon? What is it? What's so important? She's like, well, I wanted to see you and so I made an appointment five weeks ago to have lunch with you in the middle of this gigantic cavernous restaurant. He's like, oh, great.

Alright, well. I'm going to have this Caesar salad. Do you want me to pat the bus pat the bus pat the bus she's like yeah I'm gonna take the private plane but maybe I could take the smaller plane and you take the bigger plane and then I'll have the smaller plane like okay great you've mentioned your planes twice now Erica we get it okay you fuck really good congratulations you've earned two planes great i consider this a long distance pat on your puss now move the fuck on lady and that husband's like god do we have to talk about the next marriott concert i'm paying for for her and then the fucking chief of police comes up get out of here chief of police he's like hey

just happened to see us sitting here, buddy. I'm mic'd and lit and ready to shoot. Get the fuck out of here. You're a cop. Have some respect. Yeah, I mean, and it's like a giant dark restaurant with no windows. How does he just, like, wander in and be like, oh, there are the Girardis. Yeah, I didn't understand that either.

I also don't understand why he needs to take a, like, why they need to take a small plane from L.A. to Del Mar. I mean just – I mean you might as well just like hop in a car. I mean so you're going to save 45 minutes, UK, by flying. But it just seems excessive to me. Who does that? See, but that's the whole point. She's wearing a small village on her ring. I mean her ring is so gigantic.

She's showing – she tries to show it off to everybody. She's I don't like when look, I don't like when people brag about their money, period. But if they're going to do it, do it in a fabulous way. You know, Lisa will build a barn, you know, a two bathroom barn for horses. OK, that's how to do it. Don't be like flaunting money that you got from boning some guy 30 years older than you, lady. I get ho pride, but it's trying too hard. And you didn't earn that money, so stop it.

And please stop acting like there's even such a thing as disco music. Stop it. But she was an 8-number-1 disco hit! Yolanda says that 20 times this episode. Oddly enough, I actually found Erica and whatever his name is. I actually thought they were kind of cute, believe it or not.

Even though this clearly, I mean, there is definitely an age difference there that I find very strange. But oddly enough, I thought they were cute. Maybe it was just the mood I was in when I was watching it. But I wasn't as anti them as I thought I'd be. To me, he just looked really bored.

And she's like, sometimes if I try really hard and dress really cute, he'll come to lunch with Erica Girardi. I think that basically, since I've been watching Making a Murderer, I have now like a soft spot for older attorneys who fight the good fight. I'm like, oh, he's great. Good for you, you girl you guys are wonderful together well he did just pose with the chief of police and you know what happened with that mother effer no i was very conflicted actually that i was like is he more like ken krantz oh you haven't gotten to ken krantz yet have you no but he's the da oh no no no he's a da who who has the voice he has like an a Neville voice He's like Would you agree that you were not in the garage

At the time of the murder Anyway you'll see He's like the touch the feel Of cotton and DNA Ken Cross Of DNA I don't know much, but I know you killed Teresa. Let me be the DA that prosecutes you.

Anyway, off topic, off topic. I can open my window again, at least. There was a helicopter flying around overhead that you probably heard before. It was literally overhead. Now I can get a breeze in here and cool down all this Erica and husband talk, because I forgot his name. Tom, Joe,

John. I'd just call him Don Rickles. He is Don Rickles. I mean, he really is. Don Rickles is like a touch of Patrick Stewart. Yeah, he looks just like him to me, so I'm sticking with that. So we get to see Yolanda go to her doctor. On the drive to the doctor, David, my love, is just feeling Yoli's tits.

And he's like, goodbye, things I married. Goodbye. Yeah, I know. She even makes a joke. She's like, I'm going to be toothless and boobless now. Ha ha ha ha. And he's like, yeah, is this the same girl that I married? Ha ha ha ha. She's like, oh, David, you're so funny. He's like, yeah, is this the same girl that I married?

She's like, oh, David, you're so funny. He's like, no, seriously, is this the same girl? He's like, please be able to sign divorce papers when you come out. Like, please let them get rid of the lymphritis because I really need you to sign those papers. He's like, oh, David, I'm going to get all my hair shaved

off and one of my legs amputated. Oh, isn't that romantic? He's like, oh, David, I'm going to get all my hair shaved off and one of my legs amputated. Oh, isn't that romantic? Oh, my God, please. Please make her stop. But, you know, I can see why, among other reasons, why this was going to fail. Because, you know, during this entire thing where she went to surgery and beforehand, Yolanda changed. She unleashed this part of her personality that was like little girl you know she's like i don't want to take off my wedding ring i always keep it

on it's not coming off and then everything she's like oh i think i woke up gg oh i woke up gg i'm like what what why are you talking in this baby voice yolanda no wonder why he left your ass you're annoying it's energy it's weird weird baby talking energy it's so creepy and sad so i know oh i woke up to gg gg i just wanted to see you before i die but i didn't want to mess up your rest oh gg do you think she's asleep now should i I call her? I don't know. But then I did love that when she's like, I won't take off the wedding ring. No, it's not coming off. It doesn't come off. I'm like, bitch, it's coming off.

Maybe not now, but give it a few months. Here, let David have a lawyer do that for you. Can we ask? David goes into the waiting room and uh and then he just immediately goes to sleep yeah I thought that was so funny it's like whoa that guy is just so nervous for Yolanda he can't keep his eyes open god bless his heart and then Dr. Fenn comes and I'm like why is there why is there a like a little chef that is here why is there a chef from the Bellagio Buffet here? She looks like a Super Mario Brothers character. She looks like Toad.

I was going to say, she looks like she's playing one of the mushrooms in a school play of Mario Brothers. She's like, oh, no! She arrives in a little cart, and she drives over a banana peel and spins out and she's like oh no oh here we go that's how the surgery begins oh my god that was so funny she did look so silly and the whole setup looks silly it looks like some living room like panel like wood paneling. It's a weird thing.

And Yolanda earlier was telling the girls, she's like, I have to go to Cleveland for the surgery because this doctor, Dr. Feng Shui, is amazing with rearranging implants. You know, she needs to bring the money through the East. It's like, why do you need to go to Clevelandveland there are no specialists of her caliber in beverly hills bitch you were talking about the tit capital of the world are you really complaining about the tit service in beverly hills well to be fair out of here to be fair a lot of tits are going in in beverly hills not a lot of them are coming out like cleveland is i feel like cleveland is where you go when you want to disappear from beverly

hills and go back to being a normal person like everything gone it's witness protection all right ma'am we're gonna have to take out your boob implants otherwise they'll recognize you cleveland is where you go when your husband puts your ass on an allowance and you got to get boobs put in at a discounted price and you know you're not going to get that in beverly hills yeah yeah and beverly hills they do come out, because everybody keeps getting them resized. They're like, well, I was a peacock, but then, you know, like, once my body really grew into it, it was time to move up. Like they're achieving something, you know? Yeah.

My tit skin finally stretched around these implants. Oh, I'm strong enough to move up. You did it. Congratulations. It's like going from, like, brown belt to black belt. It's like, I did it. I'm going to have a graduation party for my tits. So then, so Yolanda's sitting there before surgery with Super Mario Doctor.

And I love, so she calls Gigi in Australia. And what I loved about this is she's like, oh, I hope I don't wake up Gigi. And then she calls and Gigi's like, hi, mom. She's like, oh, Gigi, I'm going to have surgery. I'll see you tomorrow. I'll see you later. Bye bye. She's like, bye, mom.

She's like, OK. Oh, I woke up Gigi. I think I woke up Gigi. Oh, then she's like, all right, I go to surgery now. I'm like, what about Bella and Anwar? She's like, no, they don't get a call. Instead, all Yolanda does, she worries about is she going to wake up Gigi? And then she's like, oh, no don't get a call Instead, all Yolanda does She worries about if she can wake up Gigi And then she's like, oh no, I woke up Gigi

Maybe I should call her again to apologize for waking her up But will that wake her up a second time And maybe I should just send her a letter Maybe an edible arrangement, I don't know What about, do you want to call Bella an animal? An edible arrangement Yeah, but like, the other two kids, nah Just send them an email

Just please let the other ones know If I die They will always A disappointment Okay love you Gigi Get some rest My beautiful little flower Blanca

Could you send an e-card To Bella and Anwar Please telling them goodbye Thank you Do one of those Jib jabbers I want to have Cartoon talking heads Of me saying bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye make it good song blanka please send a bit moji that says bye bye but it could just be you it does not have to be me from wondery this is black history for real i'm and i'm consciously what do most people think about when they hear the words black history From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less... In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more... She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus

starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten,

curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you

get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. No matter what happens to me today, remember to change my cell phone number and don't give it to other ones. Poor Blanca has to tell these kids their mom is dead.

Poor the other ones. I feel so bad for them now. Just kidding. Okay, who's next? Well, the other one is with the weekend, so that's good for her. Good for her. So next is Lisa Rinna selling stuff on the air, which is fine. It's like every other QVC segment we've ever seen on these shows.

And also every Lisa Rinna scene, because no matter what she's doing, she's just always doing that. She's always on QVC. Oh, so soft. So amazing. So amazed to have this in my life. I'm so blessed to have this sweater wrapped around me. You know, it's like five seconds to fabulous when you put this on, okay? I'm going to put this on and go right to work at the deli, okay? That's what I want to do. It's beyond. I've spent so long and so much money on trying to change myself, and really all I needed was this form-fitting sweater. I mean, it has changed me.

was this form-fitting sweater. I mean, it just changed me. You know what? I've opened myself up to the universe, and I've said, okay, give me a gift. The gift was this sweater. Uh-oh, you guys. The camel is sold out. The camel is sold out.

But you know what? We have some Depends for you instead. You can always get a Depends, okay? I mean, it's beyond. I love you, camel. I'm so sorry you're sold out. Give me a hug, camel. I want to sell every fucking last camel

so then uh then we actually go into yolanda surgery um which so daisy the health advocate was in the was in the room i didn't understand why daisy had to be in the in the surgery like was she gonna be like excuse me doctor you're doing that wrong like i'm sorry this is against regulations she's a freaking call girl yolanda has lime yolanda has lime yolanda has line we know okay you don't need to advocate she's like lawyering yolanda's uh no one's arguing yeah you're arguing with nobody you're arguing with dr feng shui okay she's only doing her best leave her alone uh and then finally they take out her boob and they just like put it on a table it's like the size of a christmas ham i'm like what is that's huge how did that fit in there it looks like somebody egged a house with meatloaf and when they pull it out it has this long tail

on it like an alien it's like little swimming meatloafs no wonder she felt so sick my god woman they they put an alien in her boob it all makes one time i fell and i broke my boob okay so then i went and i got other boobs but i guess i didn't clean out the other boob boob and so it broke this boob and now i have double broke i'm like what the hell are you doing paul paul and get your fucking tits done properly please it's gonna cost you 500 extra dollars we'll start you a kickstarter i mean jesus christ lady she literally has alf in her breasts it's like buying fucking condoms at the dollar store there are some things you do not get discounts on darling yeah well it's better than daniel sobs boobs at least um so then so now that's it for yolanda

and then we go to uh literally because she dies no she just she comes out of surgery she cries and david like kisses her and it's like david goes in he goes you're finished you're done you're over it's done and she's like oh i love you too he's like no it what i'm saying is it's over it's done oh yes i want to make love to you too he's like no no no it's over i want a divorce i want to divorce this lamb disease too unfortunately you can't divorce your children right oh gosh so then um over in the hamptons uh eileen and kyle are in this it's like a motel it's like a fancy motel and they're setting up like a nightclub in the pool area and it's like loud and crazy and they're miserable and they're like we got to get out of here which i totally i

understood that i thought it was i thought it was funny seeing how miserable they were so they get a um excuse me they find a house to rent and they go to a new they go to the new house and they're happy and then they see a deer across a pond and they're like is that a deer is that a deer it's a deer which is you know that's it i mean like really that a deer? It's a deer. Which is, you know, that's it. I mean, like, really nothing very exciting happened. It's a fascinating Kyle scene. Another fascinating Kyle scene. She's like, honey, would you get me a new house to stay in? And then Maurizio does.

He's like, okay, you get the key in a little lockbox outside. Make sure when you enter the house, you knock the alarm off with the hammer like I taught you. She's like, oh, yeah, I know. I know how know how to do it honey totally squatting in some mansion yeah so then uh i mean really so the funny thing is when they when they moved out of the hotel i thought it was for sure just like one of these like a little bit of like flavor just to see see just like a slice of their life a funny little quirk about these women. But it actually turned into like a minor controversy because then Lisa, Lisa Vanderpump flew in on like a via helicopter to the Hamptons and she checks into the motel and they're like,

Oh, by the way, there's a letter here for you. And the letter it's from Eileen. The letter's like, dear Lisa, we've left. Bye.

Call me later. Call me later. We hate your hotel. we've left. Bye. Call me later. Call me later. We hate your hotel. Die. Okay, bye. Talk later. Lisa's like, darling, what? Why is this written on a waiter check?

Is this Kristen? Was there a girl named Kristen here? Because it was written on like a waiter check. Which is so weird. So Lisa is like mad about this. She's like, I don't know know they couldn't just wait for me i don't understand it it's a perfectly lovely hotel well that's because they give you like a nice room away from all the noise yeah but and also it's about her you know it's like her party

i don't think it was a huge deal that they changed hotels i think the the reason i I don't even think she was that upset about it was she? I think she was just annoyed I hate you I hate you I'm like she was she was probably just annoyed because she probably felt a sense of FOMO because she knew that like

everyone was going to be at the house and she'd be at the hotel I think actually I think that Kyle had it right later on when she said like the reason why Lisa's annoyed is because she wants to be at the house too and she couldn't leave the hotel

because that would be like poor form that would be rude yeah she just wanted to party because she even told kyle i just want i thought we were going to party darling kyle's like yeah don't you dare make her from cheshire you just gave her a cheshire accent don't do that to the queen it's because when lisa vanderpump is vulnerable i don't even know what to do which is vulnerable so she turns into lauren she's like I don't even know what to do. She's vulnerable, so she turns into Lauren. She's like, I don't know. I want to do the party. I thought you were going to party with me.

We came in from LA. I want to party with me. Let's talk about it in the toilets. So I think Lisa just kind of had her feelings hurt because she thought it was going to be a party weekend, and now she knows she's going to be wheeling ken and that puppet dog around all night talking to a bunch of queens she doesn't know and being bored while the ladies are like okay we're tired and then they're just going to go gossip about everything and she's going to miss it and it's

supposed to be her day and like i get it yeah i actually do too i actually that's the exact sort of thing that would annoy me to be like but i thought we're all gonna be doing this together but then she said um when she was telling him i hate you you betrayed me in that uh not accent at all but when she was doing that lisa rena and eileen were looking at her like they were really getting yelled at because those are two la actresses and nobody talks like that you know you got to be very like fake at all times and polite and stuff and even though they know lisa's like that they're acting like they're being abused they're giving these looks like i can't believe she's talking to me like that and then in the scenes from next week rena is trying

to pull a kyle to sick eileen on vanderump, which I'm still not getting this whole going against Vanderpump over stupid shit. But she's like, yeah, you know, if you felt that way, then you need to talk to her. I'm like, what? We're going to have a fight now that Lisa hurt somebody's feelings when she said her feelings were hurt? Because that is such a Housewives of Beverly Hills storyline right there. Yeah, I was gonna say that's actually like very Cheshire to be like i want you to talk like if you have something to say say it to my face i don't say that to someone else like it's their hit for me if i'm not saying to your face face you're like oh god well it's very on brand for beverly hills speaking of brands workout

but um it's on brand for them because our fights are always so stupid. The whole first season was about whether or not Kyle said that Camille was insecure without Frasier. I mean, that lasted an entire effing season. Yeah. And it was amazing. But I love that. I love when small shit turns into an ongoing feud because that's sort of what happens in life. Yeah. It's the tiny things that

tiny things that snowball and snowball and snowball and next thing you know you're like at a dinner party with a psychic at each other's necks so this episode ends with them all sitting around and lisa's still giving them shit like oh you betrayed me. And then Kyle says, of course, what does Kyle do when she's nervous or being confronted? Brings up someone else's pain. It's just like redirecting right back to Kim. I'm not in party mode. Yeah. It's like, well, I'm really sorry, but I needed quiet because Kim was arrested at Target.

Whatever. Like, Kim's ruining my life again. And Lisa went, oh, darling, I'm sorry. Now, was she on marijuana pills? And Kyle's like, what, you want to talk about it? You want me to bring up all your stuff? I will. Like, okay, again, you just brought it up.

Fucking stupid Kyle. Yeah, you did. You did. Idiot. Although, actually, to be 100% fair, when she first said, I'm just not in club mode right now, I thought that was more – when she first said that, I thought she was meaning, like, I just got off a red eye. I'm not in the mood to go to a club. I didn't read it as like, oh, because my sister just tried to shoplift $600 worth of toys from Target. I don't like it.

Well, I mean, that's probably what she meant but of course i i just thought i meant she was just got off a red eye but the it's sort of funny to think that if she did mean i just got off a red eye that that lisa would be like oh because of your sister she's got out of there with one of those hoverboards. Oh, the kids are going crazy for those. Did she get any chew toys for Kingsley? Like maybe a cement block? You know, his teeth are so strong. Darling, please tell me Kim didn't just get arrested

for stealing $600 worth of Post-its. Because that's what I've read in the TMZ, and that would indicate marijuana bills. Lisa's idea of drugs are so hilarious to me. She must have been taking some Tylenol PM that makes people do crazy things, darlings. Calm down over there, okay? Was she on Excedrin?

Tell me, I mean, who buys that many Bratz dolls? Or not buy them, in this case, maybe. Tell me, I mean, who buys that many Bratz dolls? Or not buy them, in this case, maybe. Oh, I also have to point out that when meeting Erica, Lisa also showed her exact true colors again when she said, I used to have a little whore Barbie like this Erica Jane. I thought she was a piece of trash and I would never play with her. But now I can appreciate the wh whole Barbie and I can't wait

to manipulate her and change her entire Malibu Barbie house. Jesus Christ, Lisa. I cannot wait to mold her into a less whorish Barbie. I was like, oh my god, this is gonna be amazing. The beginning of an amazing

friendship if it's not derailed by Kyle. I got really worried when Erica was like, Kyle seems like she wants to have fun, and I love fun, so let's swallow fun together. I was like, oh god, don't fall for it, lady. Don't fall for it! Yeah. When is the other housewife going to come on? Because there's another cast member, and she's nowhere to be found so far

and she's the one who looks like a crazy bitch. She's the one who looks like Aviva number two. Yeah, she looks like a stuck up, you know,

whatever, which I like and I want that. I'm ready for it. I think the season needs a little bit of a kick. She looks like a stuck up

hootin' mahalers. At this point, I feel like the season needs to start hopping on the Yolanda is crazy wagon, like OC, or it needs to do something else. Because so far, they're kind of all just hanging out, like slightly annoyed. For whatever reason, and loving it. And I've been reading a lot of- I do still love it, too.

Love it, too. I've read a lot of comments of people basically saying it's so boring and this and that and to me it's so not i'm just like i think because it is so boring but i mean lisa this episode used a freaking vending machine for the first time ever and that was amazing yeah that was last week yeah i i um i i know i still love it because i think the characters are so strong but i would like just I would like just a little something. But last season, too, around this time, the season was fine. It was entertaining and stuff.

But it wasn't until Kim started to go crazy that the season really kicked into high gear. So I'm hoping that something like that will happen. Yeah, something that will always come from this show. I believe in you, show. I from this show. I believe in you, show. I believe in you. I believe in you. Meanwhile, what do you want to do next? Newlyweds or Cheshire?

Whatever you want. I'm easy. I'm easy. That's why I'm in such a positive relationship. You're easy. Why don't we do Cheshire? Cheshire. Cheshire.

I love this show. I know. That's the theme music. Here's, you know, something annoys me about Shasher. I'm going to make a comment, a general comment. I can't stand how the colors are, like, a little oversaturated, but the contrast is high, too. So there's, like, these intense darks, but then there's, like, very intense color. I don't like that. It's like the...

Do you know what I'm talking about? I'm not crazy, am I? it's like the uh you know i'm talking about i'm not crazy it's being shot on like high definition video but it's being lit incorrectly like they're using cheap fluorescence to light it poorly but then they're fixing it in post and adding filters to everything yeah so everything looks like it's through some weird instagram filter and they're also using the Barbra Streisand butter over the lens or whatever. And it cracks me up because sometimes you can't even tell what things are. It's like, especially when they're in Ampika's house. Yeah.

Like, I think this is the, are we doing both episodes or just the most recent? We can do like a most recent. Yeah. I mean, we can, we can summarize the last episode. The last episode, the only thing that was, we'll talk about what was can summarize the last episode. The only thing that was... We'll talk about what was most about the last episode. There's only two things.

This one opens with Ampika in her house because Max, dad, Mark's dad passed. Wait, hold on. And the music is all sad. Mark's dad passed. Yeah, yeah. Mark's dad passed. So the music is not only sad sad it is downright like dramatically sad it's like oh it's like a dirge and she's like she's like in her on her couch she's like

i've had some body blows what a body blues about this one one body blow after this i feel his pan i feel his pan mark is part of me. It's funny because we used to be married. But now we're not married. But I feel his pan still. I still feel his pan. She's like sitting there. This violin music is playing. She's in a silk 90 in like stiletto heels with her leg like the slit of the leg coming up.

Her legs are crossed. Full face of makeup. Her hair is done. And she's like, I'm a sad old sad about back. All I can think about is my Opa. Oh, my God, lady. You are so ridiculous. So Tanya comes over.

Okay, so I guess we should talk about the last episode first. Yeah, we'll talk about – yeah, so basically the last episode was actually good. For once something actually happened. Something actually happened, which is that – so the general broad strokes of it was that Ampika had a party for her salon's one-year anniversary for – what's it called? Opium. for her salons one year anniversary for what's it called opium and so um so those two these like these two gays came over who were there they were originally don's gays but then they became and peekers gays and they're like these old uh what how do you call them sort of like dottering dottering queens they're like downton abbey queen yeah they're both like the queen with

they're both like stuff yeah you know the grandma from um Downton Abbey like yeah they're like where is Dawn where is Dawn at the party because Dawn was not there because Ampika did not invite Dawn because Dawn has never come to the salon where's my daughter Dawn I didn't invite Dawn I didn't invite Dawn Because she never Come to the salon And you know I only invite people Who come to the salon With balaclavas

Because I'm like a snake I eat your balaclava At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day At the end of the day I did invite Dawn Because she hadn't even

Stepped on foot in my shop And they said Well have you asked her To come to your shop then Have you sent her An invitation Have you sent her A hug that says Please come to my shop then? Have you sent her an invitation? Have you sent her a hug that says, please come to my shop?

It would mean lots. Have you looked into paperless posts? Did you send her a paperless post? Did you check her e-vite? Did you see if she looked at her e-vite? Maybe she didn't get it. If you sent an invitation

on the email, you can't trust a computer, now can you, darling? She's like, no, I'm not going to invite her because she's the boss of everything and she's not the boss of me. And having babies is selfish and she didn't come to my shop, so that's it.

And they're like, oh. So they run back to her, but this thing at the shop was hilarious because she's throwing this party for her first year anniversary of opium. And she invites everybody over and she goes, I'd like to thank everyone for coming to Opium. It's been a year now, the hardest year of my life. First we opened it, then we came to work here.

And I'd like to give the award for the most loved assistant to marjorie marjorie is a ticket to the app next i can she gave an award to anybody who's ever walked in the shop and then tanya is telling us her version of it and she's like i'm thinking she's about to give them diamonds the car keys no here's your diesel gift box so so then so basically later in the episode there's like a they all go to an art gallery and so on the way over don goes with her gays the same gays who just were talking with mpker and they're like oh well mpker didn't invite you because she said you never went to her salon. And Don's like, how rude. How rude.

Which is, by the way, that's like the tagline. Every woman says that at some point, like five times during an episode. When she said that, I just kept thinking, how rude. How rude could you be? How rude. How rude.

I only think, how interesting. interesting how rude that's so interesting that she's so rude at the end of the day that was rude i thought to myself how rude is she so so dawn is now mad that she's heard this so she gets the art gallery and this is she gets there after magali and i forget who was she with tanya or lauren and they're looking at this art this crazy art and my god is like she's the artist comes by my god is like who is this art what is this art and he's like oh it's my it's my art he's like oh this is your art what is crazy this is crazy do people buy this art he's like oh someone just bought this art who who buy that's art this is crazy. I'm like, whoa. No. Terrible art. Terrible. Take it off the wall.

You show me who buy this art. I want to say to them, what kind of person buys this art, okay? This is people with bloody nose and they can't hear. Okay? I'm like, whoa. Whoa. Or just whoa.

Macaulay ripping that apart, that artist a new ass was fucking brilliant that's the best thing I've ever seen in my house she was like no this did people pay $25,000 for this no no I want to talk to him you show me him

bring him to me who make this price that's what she told him how much is this $25,. Who make this price? That's what she told him. Yeah, who make this? How much is this? $25,000. Who make this price? Was it Leanne?

Whoa, Leanne. Leanne be like, ka-ching, ka-ching, ka-ching. And I'd be like, da-da-da-da-da. And I'm like, no. Close pocketbook. So then, so Dawn comes into the art gallery. She's all mad. She's like, well, I get a load of this. I just heard this. They just they just told me that mp didn't invite me to the sink she's mad at me you know i don't

like that i don't appreciate that you know someone's mad at me i'm right on the night of about to have me hysterectomy you know she's like you know if you have a problem with me say it to my face say it to my face so tanya now gets annoyed deservedly so because here's don talking about like mp if mp has an issue with me she should tell it to my face. Say it to my face. So Tanya now gets annoyed, deservedly so, because here's Dawn talking about, like, if Ampika has an issue with me, she should tell it to my face and not to my friends. And what's Dawn doing? She has an issue with Ampika, and she's telling it to their friends. Yeah.

And also, it came through the older gay guys or whatever. So Tanya hates them now. She's like, are these guys telling you all this stuff? It sounds like you're listening to a third party. She's like, it's not a third party. It's the gays. They're like the newspaper. They're a wrinkly little heap of sack of newspaper that's dropped at my doorstep every morning.

Do you want me to argue with the news? So I wouldn't trust them. Well, I do trust them. They're my oldest friends. Literally. All right then. But still, the said that Ampeka said something about me. so i wouldn't trust them well i do trust them they're my oldest friends literally all right then but still they said the ampica said something about me why doesn't she talk to me she's like i'm bored with you i love tanya she's like i'm bored my teeth hurt so then during this time like at some point like um uh don allegedly poked tanya although we see we see don go sorry but tanya's like she poked me

she poked me i can't believe she poked me that got me so how rude how rude did she just poke me she did she poked me i don't appreciate getting poked and then she like runs off and she's like you're a dumb twat i'm like i'm like you get this is again this is one of those moments where like this is definitely a british show because if the worst offense is getting poked then then you were lucky because i mean compared to like new jersey on beverly hills that's like a resume getting poked on this show it's like the biggest like a greeting ever happened yeah she poked me she poked me she poked me she says she poked me i think 50 times yeah then every scene after this for two episodes she's

like i have to tell you don't poke to me that's the first time in my life i've ever been poked she came up to me and she said no and she poked me although her react, and the way she reenacted it, was like she would like wind up her arm, her fist, and she just like with a boom poke. It's like this crazy kamikaze finger going right into her shoulder. She went and poked me. I'm in Harrod. And then Don says,

He goes around telling people that I poked him. That ain't the truth. It wasn't a poke. It was a definite stroke. Not a poke. I stroked her. Because I got so bad about M.P. saying I've never been to a salon.

But I haven't been to a salon because I got a job and I got a hysterectomy coming up. Have I told you about my hysterectomy? It's like, oh my God, she'll start it. Shut up, Don. Shut up, Don. She's like,'s like well you know just say you didn't want to go like i would get that but if you had a whole year and you didn't go to her salon once it's not like you are waking up going down to your home office and then returning from there to like manage dobby dobby and the

and then going to sleep okay you got your hair done at some point You got a manicure at least once during the year You could go to Ampiker's stupid salon Poor Ampiker I'm busy I didn't mean to hurt your feelings But sometimes the feelings of a baby come first I've been working on a baby vision board.

It includes backs that aren't broken and less hours at the job so I can possibly support my friend's salon. So anyway, so then after the archer, they all go to this club. One of the hot clubs. Bizu. Was it Bizu? Bizu or something like that downtown Cheshire and they're all dancing

and at this point Lauren's husband Paul comes and joins the party joins the fun and he I forget what did he say that got Don originally so mad? Because he said some things that were, like, out of line initially.

Well, they said, I'm Pika. I'm Pika's ex-max father past. And he goes, well, I hope it was from nothing serious. Oh, yeah, that's right. And he made, like, some joke, like, I hope it didn't die of something serious. And she's like, that is tasteless. She's like, how rude is he? Does he even hear the words coming out of his mouth?

How rude. And he said, what's wrong with you over there, Dawn? You're not saying anything. And she goes, I'm not saying anything because I'm just listening. And he said, I like this version of you. And Lauren's like, this is my favorite version of you. The one that just listens They were like being so obnoxious

They were hilarious And Don could not stand it And then he was like So what got you interested in Mr. Millionaire Footballer Ashley And she's like Actually I knew him when he was an apprentice I'm like what

Was he like at a Working at like a shoe shop? Oh, I met him back when he was putting his shoes on my shoes. He was a blacksmith who made a fire poker for me. But she took offense to that because he was insinuating that she was into him for the money, which, of course, she was. Yeah. And I think that also Lauren and Don tried to make amends,

but either way, the point is that ultimately Don wound up calling Paul a chauvinist pig. And then that's when Lauren really was like, I can't believe she'd say that. I would never talk to someone's husband like that. Not even in LA. Rose love. How rude. How rude. someone's husband like that not even in la where i used to laugh how rude

how rude how rude i would never speak to someone who's been the way she spoke to mom i'll tell you one thing she's not wild brad she has no mad eyes well paul was so fucking rude and he was apparently he's just gonna get worse and worse and the way Well, Paul was so fucking rude. He was. Apparently, he's just going to get worse and worse. And the way they describe him was so funny. They're like, because Johnny goes, oh, you found the male pole then? She goes, oh. Because that's how Lauren laughs.

Which I love it because it's kind of my laugh. Which should make me crazy. But I actually love that somebody else on this planet has it. Especially that nut job. She's like like i can't believe that the thing is that like paul is clearly like an asshole or a dick and he but like it kind of works here because so many of these women take themselves so seriously especially dawn for crying out loud so i don't mind that like an asshole comes comes through and just makes fun of her although i do think there is there's definitely a double standard i mean you know if if she's not allowed to call paul a chauvinist pig then he probably he should not be allowed to speak to her in that way too but whatever it's dawn i i i approve yeah but this is also lauren and she's

evil too like you can just tell it's lurking and I can't wait for it to come out, because she is so rude. Dawn comes up to her, and she's like, I think we need to talk then, don't we? She's like, do we? Do we need to talk more then? You're going to talk more? Well, here's why I got upset,

because I've got a hysterectomy coming up. She's like, oh, God god do i have to listen to this you gotta listen to me i just need you to listen to me now here's what's going on with my hysterectomy and then she just blabs on and lauren gets this weird cheshire anger cat smile on her face i mean it's like jack-o'-lantern smile and she's like now i've listened to you and i'm done listening to you oh no i said listen to me but i've listened to you and I'm done listening to you. Oh no, I said listen to me. But I've listened already. You don't shut up and frankly, you're quite boring.

And Lauren got angry there. You could see, sure, her lips started to curl. It was like the first time we've seen some nice anger coming out of her, which I approved. Yes, Dawn finally got under her skin by just poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, won't stop poking. She says, oh, you listened to me then?

What did I say? I'm not going to repeat it. I'm not a skill. Because I'm well bred. I'm well bred. She's got manners. She's well bred. She's well bred.

So this was all amazing. So the continuing drama is Paul, but we have to talk about the nanny interviews. I'm not sure what episode this was. It was all amazing. So the continuing drama is Paul, but we have to talk about the nanny interviews. I'm not sure what episode this was. It was last week. Okay. Tanya needs a nanny and Lauren is shocked. She goes, I can't believe she doesn't have a nanny.

Oh, you can tell you're not real, Shasha. I don't know a friend who doesn't have a nanny. I thought that was so funny and so tanya tanya's interviewing her and she has ampika come help for whatever reason and then she has her assistant um what's her name bunny rabbit or so kitty and kitty just asked the same question to everyone everyone who comes in is kind of crazy and they're like dowdy like old ladies who would love to be a crazy, and they're like dowdy, like old ladies who would love to be a nanny. It's not like America where there's like tits up to their face.

They're young, yeah. They're old ladies who just want to like, they like being around children. It makes them happy. What's your most positive thing with children? Well, I like to pick them up and then put them in a chair and strap them in there. And then I like to pick them up and then put them in a chair and strap them in there. And then I like to feed them.

And then I like to slap their backs until snot comes out of the face. All right. Well, you sound pretty qualified. In America, they're like, I'm going to fuck your husband. So deal with that. Well, the funny thing is that Tanya, there were a few candidates that did not know anything about football. And it's like next but i'm like i would i think i would want someone who knows nothing about football right like you don't want someone who's like a big fan and then wants to take your husband or maybe i've seen too many lifetime movies it does sound like a weird question like

who cares if they're a fan of your husband they're doing their service like why do they need to be fans but it was so funny because i had the assistant asking that question so every single person that came in she goes do you watch football then do you watch football what do you think of football then say you like football if someone kicked a ball at you with the, would you catch it or try and hit it with your head what do you think about goalkeeping if you like football maybe ask someone if they know how to feed a baby yes

there are more important questions when seeking someone to raise your child yeah exactly so then this week that was all last week So this week It begins with again Ampika is sad

Because Mark's Mark's father just died I feel her I'm like I gotta get my voices right I'm like wait Ben Ampika

Ampika I feel his pain I feel his pain But to be fair She did have her own Second bombshell of the week because all the stuff with Mark's dad dying made her think about her dad, and she reached out to her dad.

She couldn't get in touch with him, and then she finally tracked him down. It turns out he had been diagnosed with Parkinson's, which is very serious and very sad. So Tanya comes up. It's a weird story, wasn't it? I haven't talked to my dad in years, but I thought about my dad because Mark's dad, Mark's like my brother. He's like my brother you know it's

like my soul back even though we're not married anymore and so i called my dad who wouldn't call me back and so i went to my dad's house and i broke down the door like wait what she's like i picked the lock to dad's house and i went upstairs just sitting there crying and i thought oh lord look at him he's crying and then he looks shocked to see me you know because he's crying meanwhile mich michael michael j fox is like i'd like to report a british intruder in my home thank you very much some crazy british woman who looks sort of like mariah carey she keeps calling me daddy i've seen him so long i didn't know he'd had a film career. Television shows in America. I went back and watched Back to the Future. I was like, that's my daddy.

So, dad, good to see you after 20 years. You doing all right? They said, I got the Foxed. And I said, oh, dad, don't worry. I'm going to be a caretaker for the rest of time. What? Wait, what just happened? And now that's her new mission in life.

And she's like, now I feel like a big white scab off my shoulder because not only did I talk to my dad, but I'm going to be whopping his ass for the rest of eternity. I'm like, well, this is getting crazy. Someone talk her down. I know.

Talk her down, darling. So Tanya comes over and then Peker tells all the stuff to Tanya and they're sitting there and then then Pika's like enough of the sad stuff I want to hear about

what BZ was like they're not please tell me all the gossip my ears are ringing so then Tanya starts talking about it and then we have this weird segment

where they go upstairs they go upstairs to look at the clothes that Mpika would have worn had she gone I was like what? we're like Ampika would have worn had she gone. I was like, what? They're like, oh, yeah, that would have looked really good at Bizu. I wanted to wear this.

I wanted to wear it with a balaclava. But I couldn't because I was feeling fine. Look at your clothes, Dad. It's so big. You could have worn so many different things. That's right. I could have worn many different things. Look at this one I've got to wear.

Look at that. You think someone would have been talking about me bad? You think Dawn would have tried to boss me around in this dress? I don't think so. The only thing more boring than watching women on these shows decide what they're going to wear that night is watching women on these shows look at clothing that they almost wore to something that they never went to. Oh, good. Love it. shows look at clothing that they almost wore to something that they never went to oh good love it so then tanya starts telling the story about the poke again she's reliving the poke heard around around the world the poke she's like she just starts talking about about uh she's like

she went and she perked me right there and then ampiguer gets mad she's like i can't believe those guys i thought they're my friend but they're like little dogs little dogs the patches in the mats running back to the master little little dogs running back to the master and i'll tell you this much i'm not feeding those little queens steak just to get them to come to me she's probably walking around with steak in her pockets not me you don You don't boss me around, steak lady. No, I'd pay for them. And so then what was funny is that Ampika now got mad. Ampika's now mad at Dawn

because she was mad that Dawn... Okay, so Dawn poked Tanya. So Ampika's mad that Dawn, rather than coming to Ampika to say she was mad, she was talking to the women. So, Ampika's mad that Dawn, rather than coming to Ampika to say she was mad, she was talking to the women. So, in summary, Ampika is mad that Dawn didn't tell her she was mad

because Ampika didn't tell her she was mad. Because Dawn was mad that Ampika didn't speak to her to her face. And now Ampika is mad that Dawn was mad about the original thing and didn't talk to her to her face. So good.

And in the middle of it all, we've got the Downton Abbey gays. My favorite gays of all time. They're hilarious. Well, Mpika just got a feeling that when you didn't invite her to the bar at the salon, she seems like a cat that's backed up into a corner that could claw you any moment. Then you think, am I allergic to cats? And then you have it euthanized and realize you just had a pillow with bad feeling in it the entire time. And you've killed a cat for no reason.

Do you know what I mean, doll? She's like, no, but I'm going to pick Tonya tonight. Oh, good for you. Good, good girl. Good girl. So then we get to lauren and mcgully and they're hanging out and now they're talking about dawn and and now what does mcgully say when mcgully hears about this about what that dawn called paul um a chauvinist pig mcgully's like how rude how rude she literally says how rude there she's Harut. You can't do that.

You can't say that to a man. Harut. Magali is so funny. When this scene started, she's meeting up with Lauren and she goes, Lauren, call me. I don't know why Lauren called me. Like huge shrug. But she called me. So I say, okay.

I go. I listen to what Lauren has to say. Phone was like, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. And then I answer and then no one's there. And I hear beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. And then I go back and then it's like ring, ring, ring. And then beep, beep, beep. I'm like, what's this phone?

I say, should I say hello? Or should I say doo, doo, doo? Doo, doo, doo. Sorry. Click. Bye. No more. You know, Lauren and and I We are great friends

You know When we call each other I say hello She say hello I say how are you She say how are you We have so much in common Whoa

Whoa So yeah She's talking to Lauren And Lauren goes Well I just got back From Arizona And I went to a party And guess what happened?

The dawn. The dawn came up. And Macaulay's like, oh, you call it the dawn. This is perfect. The dawn rise. She's like, yes. I love how, by the way, they're so furious about Dawn calling Paul a chauvinist pig. It's like, so what do these women want?

It's like, on the one hand, you say, what if you had a problem with me? Say it to my face. And then Don says something to Paul's face. Like, I can't believe she said it to his face. But then I love, though, that like Magali's response to all of it is like, maybe Don should have a mirror and look. Maybe I should say, Don, look at mirror. And then Don say, oh and look maybe i should say don look at mirror and

then don say oh look at me maybe i look pretty or maybe she say oh no maybe maybe i'm uh shorter than i thought or maybe she say oh mia needs to be clean i don't know i just bring me here so mcgully's mcgully mcgully's mcgully mcgully have a mirror oh we forgot to talk about that party at Bisou when Leanne is, like, doing weird stripper slash cheerleading splits. Oh, my God. Leanne's dancing. Oh, my God. That was amazing. That was, like, yeah, it was, like, cheer with, like, I don't know what it was.

If this is what counts as good dancing in Britain, then I am very amused, and I want to see more of it. It was amazing. And Don, everyone hates Don, obviously. And so Don has no one to talk to. And they're trying to turn Leanne against Don. And so Don didn't really have anybody. So she gets Magali. She's like, I'd like to talk to you outside, Magali.

Magali's like, don't say she wants to go outside. I say, do I go outside with Don? Do Don talk to me? Does she hit me? Does she stab me? Does she drive away in car i don't know who knows beep beep beep hi hi hi hi or mcgully mcgully don't take sides mcgully's mcgully so then she starts telling mcgully about this stupid story but well i'm

pink as mad she told the queens that the blah the blah, the blah, the blah, the blah, blah, blah. And then Magali says, I think that Don trying to use Magali. She make Magali go talk to somebody for her. Magali don't talk to nobody for nobody. Magali talk because Magali want to talk. Okay, I talk to Leanne. Where is she?

I love it. Magali always makes this very intense stand and then just relents. Magali, do nobody dirty work. But Magali want to, so okay. Where's Tanya? Magali do it because Magali wants to. So she goes up to Tanya and Tanya's like, I just got poked.

She goes, this is what I want to know. How you feel? She's like, well, I was standing there and then they were telling me things. And I said, is she going to poke me? Because I saw a finger starting to get in a poke gesture, and then she poked me, and I said, she poked me. And then I left thinking, she just poked me. I went to the toilet, and I looked at myself in the mirror,

and I said, is that the face of a woman who just got poked? And I said back to myself, yes, and you've got lipstick on your teeth. And I said, thank you, you dumb twat. And Magali's like, oh, she never tell me this part about the poke. Oh, you see, Dawn is very tricky. She tried to trick Magali. Magali is not tricked.

Magali knows about poke. I'm like, what the hell is going on on this show? It's all about some ghost poke. Yeah. Well, it's like the first big controversy of the season the poke the poke the poke um so anyway so now uh i'm sorry lauren has a birthday party for the bunny and she does not invite dawn and and so that's exciting and then the next thing is that Leanne has a party. I mean, basically, there's like this whole section in the middle of this episode where we just sort of see parties where nothing happens.

So Leanne throws a party for her kids. It's like in a random conference room. And it's like the big story is that Dawn was invited. But then she's like, Dawn can't come because Taylor had back surgery. And so it's like, oh, okay. And that was the end of the scene. I'm like, do we really need to see a scene about Don backing

out of a children's party? I think we do because it's foreshadowing. The show's not very good at pointing it out, but it's so foreshadowing because you know Leanne is going to bring that up for the next 10 years. That's true. But do you remember the time I had that party? And it was for my children. And our

children are friends. Remember that time my children and our children are friends remember that time our children held hands in school and then you didn't come to my party and it was sad because I had a party and you didn't come even though our children are friends shut up already alright classic Leanne scene

I decided to have a party I think it's going quite well I made a footballer cut we're having pizza to have a party. I think it's going quite well. I made a footballer. Cut. Yeah. We're having pizza. Okay, next scene. So,

so now Don is, Don and Ashley are going to the fertility doctor because she's going to go to freeze me eggs. And you can see Ashley's, the look on his face,

you can see he's like, please tell us that the eggs don't work. Please tell us that eggs don't work. No kidding, that poor guy. And he is, I have to say, that is a really good husband right there. You could just tell he's so good because Don tells him everything,

and these house husbands never want to hear this shit. They're like, why do I have to listen to your plot lines? This is so boring. I just worked all day. Yeah. But she'll be going crazy.

And then she had the nerve to say that my eggs were like a tombstone pizza that never comes right out of the microwave correctly. And he's like, oh, that's funny, isn't it then? Oh, is it? It's funny then. It's funny. Don't you think it's funny? And she's like, oh, yeah, you know, that's funny isn't it then oh is it it's funny then yeah it's funny don't you think it's funny she's like oh yeah you know that's funny now i realize that lauren was just being funny

every time she comes to him with something she's she's furious and he's like well i don't think she meant it like that and she goes she didn't then oh right. I'm totally fine with an A. Yeah. So then they go, they get to the doctor, and the doctor's like, well, if you want to do IVF, it's going to be a 5% to 10% success rate. And Dawn's like, I can't believe it. I can't believe it. 5% to 10%? I thought it was going to be 50%.

Or perhaps 100%. I can't believe it. Meanwhile, cut to Ashley. He's like, yes. And she just wants to win a fight anyway. She goes to the specialist and she's like, let me ask you this, doctor. I'm 40 something. So if I'm going to freeze my eggs now, will it turn out better than a tombstone pizza or worse than a tombstone pizza because of my age?

And he's like, tombstone pizza is the same level of mediocrity no matter your age dear she's like i can't wait to tell the girls that well then just when just when ashley thought he was like home free the doctor's like well since you're not having any symptoms from your periods anymore you don't have to get your hysterectomy right away so you could probably just have a baby natural if you want but you better start now and she's like john's like this is great news who would have ever thought we could have another baby naturally and now she's like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck what can they is she really gonna do that i think she just needs a story but now she's she needs a life like put something on your amazon wish list just for fun, but then you start obsessing over it.

And then before you know it, you have TV trays that you just never needed. This is why I have so many board games. I'm like, you know what? I'm just going to put this in my cart because this game looks good and maybe down the line I'll get it. But this way, if I need to fill out an order, I just have it there so I can think about it. And then four hours later, I'm like, I did it. I can't stop thinking about it so anyway they have a golf day for the men to golf i was gonna say about the bunny the bunny potter i forgot those so then we

had so it's the bunny potter for suede and uh the only thing that was like funny to me about this that i wanted to mention was at one point there was an actual microphone set up for lauren to give a speech at the party it was like in her dining room now we've seen some ridiculous parties on this on all the real housewives and we've seen some parties for pets and stuff but i mean a microphone set up as if she was wrestling the un i'd like to welcome you to Sweetie's birthday party. Sweetie came to me at a very difficult time. We could have been in Arizona, but I had to stay here for Sweetie. I'm like, oh, my God.

Then she hired an opera singer to come in. She said, oh, I'd like to introduce my friend, the opera singer. And he comes on. He's like like so good and poor little sweetie just looked so embarrassed i know like really you guys got edible bouquets on my birthday this is even who does that rude and then so then uh ampika shows up late and so this is one another issue that i have with the show. And I think it's more symptomatic of all British reality shows, which is that like British reality shows generally rely on heavy narration. Have you ever noticed that?

Like there's a lot of, there's usually a narrator that says, then this happened, then this happened, then this happened. So they kind of just like narrate this next part. It's like Ampika shows up and they're like, I'm so happy that Ampika's here. And then Ampika's like, hi. And they're like i'm so happy that i'm pika's here and then and because like hi and they're like next thing you know she's outside crying and then you see lauren out there like what's wrong you know well you know mark is the ones for you and then they're like and then next thing i know paul came out and then all of a sudden it's like mid-conversation with paul i'm like well we're just gonna just gloss right over all this like just let us see it develop because i don't think it does they're like well we have to make something happen and basically and peaker showed up three hours late

now she's on instagram outside so they're like i'm picking up the feeling it so when i saw it and said darling are you feeling it what's the rough tumble in your tray darling and now Peek is like well you know it's really hard did I talk about Parkinson's it's like oh jeez we've got hysterectomy Parkinson's it's like the loops on this show for airtime are so boring can you guys please just start fucking old rich people like the rest of the world

I know so they all go to golf and spa day otherwise known as the only place that will let us shoot they're like what can we do outdoors let's have them engulfed in this little coffee shop we'll bring some nail files to the ladies like here's a changing room and some robes sit here for six hours and come up with some gold all right we'll be back so they they go there and, by the way, I'd like to mention that Ann Peeker, through her pain, has decided to dress like an extra from Cats. This is the form that her pain has taken, is dressing like a 1980s sideshow.

Parkinson's has changed my style, and no's gonna tell me otherwise don't be greedy with your dresses i was accusing everybody of being great oh so it's weird that i have a new style but it's not weird anybody else does listen here not listening to your style advice you bossy lady i look like a lady but i'm a snake I'm like a piece of alkaline Dawn's like some acid And she can neutralize I can neutralize Dawn with alkaline But Dawn can't neutralize me

Because I'm alkaline And she's acid I'm more alkaline than Dawn I'm a double air battery Dawn's a dick She may be bigger But at the end it's harder to fit her And most things are actually useful in the world.

Am I right? I'm like a piece of chalk. She's like some lemon juice. She's acid. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a bias. We're going to meet together. And then someone's going to do a litmus test on us.

It's going to say Z. Oh, that was their thing. A to Z. They kept saying that. Well, here's what I'm saying about Dawn. At the end of the day, if she's not going to do this, boom, boom, boom, and it's all A to Z. They kept saying that. Well, here's what I'm saying about Dawn at the end of the day. If she's not going to do this, boom, boom, boom, and it's all A to Z. Like, what?

And then Dawn says, well, here's the thing about Ann Peeker. If she doesn't listen to what I say, she doesn't want to be my friend, and I'll list these things from A to Z. Why is it always one phrase in each of these episodes? How rude. How rude. How rude, Ronnie.

How rude. How rude. My guy is saying, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, How rude. How rude, Ronnie. How rude. How rude. Magali said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And one point in this episode she went, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's like a no motor slowing down. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No motor. So the big confrontation at the golf day.

Well, the men were on the golf course. And of course, the men loved Paul. Because Paul's like, look at that golf ball. I hit it like I hit a lady. And they're like, keep that humor far away from Dawn there, old chap. He's like, it's quite funny. I thought all the girls would be tarts. They're like, oh, no, Paul.

Don't tell Dawn you thought she might be a tart. Here they are, non-tart, and I'm surprised. So funny. And the men love her. I love it, especially Mark, because Mark's like, well, you seemed like a nice chap, didn't you? What a nice guy. Must be good at golf, too, must say.

You know that's going to come up in every fight about paul in the future and there will be hundreds of them i can see it coming yeah i feel like mark always looks like he should be carrying someone's luggage somewhere right doesn't he sort of look like a bellhop he does he's that bellhop you feel bad for so you carry your own luggage and still give him ten dollars for telling you the history of the marriott on the way up back in my day we used to actually hop over a bell crazy things have changed you kids and you're like all right i'll carry it so luggage back so then of course mark's dad died by the way mark is like 80 himself i mean they have the best genes in the world.

How old was that man? It's like my father died at 114, so I have to say. Have fun, old chap, you earned it. And then he's like, I've never seen an old person die like that. One minute he's pooping on the floor, the next minute he's dead. So confusing. It's not confusing, darling. I feel so much of Mark's pain about that.

So then, meanwhile, over at the sauna, the spa, whatever, where the women are. So Dawn sits down with M. Peeker in front of everyone. So like, okay, here comes the big confrontation. But then what does Dawn tell us? She's like, well, I can see that see the mp because in a state so i decided i'm not gonna go after her i'll just let her say her piece i'm like well here's the problem with the show because in america any chance anyone has to go after someone they're gonna do it but on this show it's like every episode it's like i was gonna say my piece i was gonna tell her to tell

her exactly how i feel but i thought no i'm just going to listen. I'm going to get back, Paul, listening real good. And it actually was a very funny way to handle it because they actually know each other. So she knows Ampika is a crazy bitch. And when Ampika is in one of her bipolar modes, you just don't mess with someone like that. She'll rip you a new one for no reason. Also, it was funny because Ampika said, When I was at the funeral for Max Dead, I was sitting there crying and I got a text from Dune. It was actually quite lovely and it melted my heart.

But we've got a long way to go. Relationships can't be fixed over texting. I'm like, since when? Welcome to 2016. Yes, they can. And then she still pretends like it didn't happen she's still yelling at don and don's like wait a minute so then you got my text yeah got your text but even then you text you boss me around i'm not gonna be bossed around by a text and then i got mad because then

you didn't come to my salon and then you didn't blah blah blah and then you're bossy that's what i don't like about you don't you're're so bossy. It's only your opinion. And you only care about your own problems. Have I told you about Parkinson's and Max Dad? You are the worst about this, lady. And it's hilarious because you cannot argue with her. So everybody's just staring at her. And Lauren goes, I thought that the floor would be wiped with Ampica.

But Dawn's just sitting there doing nothing. Maybe I should be quiet next time. Oh, yeah. Now let's all just not say anything ever. Come on now. Exactly. And then Ampika even brings up the poke again. And Tanya's, I mean, and then that's when Dawn's like,

it wasn't a poke. It was a flick. Just a flick. I even said, sorry. Believe me. If I wanted to poke her I would have poked her There'd be no mistake in it It would have been a real poke

Tiny's like Oh it was a poke And then even worse I went onto Facebook And she poked me And she got all her friends To poke me And Facebook was like

Guess what Dawn has poked you I thought wow I can't get away from that poke Why can't people Stop poking me Not raw She poked me Well it wasn't a poke You know what I thought, wow, I can't get away from that poke. Why can't people stop poking me? Not raw.

She poked me. Well, it wasn't a poke. You know what I was trying to do? I was trying to just rub your arm. And then I said, I'm so sorry. And then you went off, you know. I hear you scream twat. And then I think, what is going on here?

I did. They overtalk everything. But you poked me. But I didn't. All right, then it was more about, it wasn't just about the poke. It's also that you took your finger and you poked me with it. Oh, I didn't though.

Oh, you did. Oh, God. And then Don's like, listen, everybody, I've got huge news. Huge. Huge news. We're going to try for a baby. Because the doctor said that my baby will come out better than a tombstone.

And Lauren goes, Lauren's like, all right, then. You've proved that you can't. But why would you? It just doesn't make any sense, does it? And then Don's like, I can't believe that more people weren't supportive. I mean, how could you not be supportive of me trying to have a baby? I'm like, shut up, Don. You already have four kids and you're 41 no one cares if you can try to have another be one thing if you were pregnant but you're gonna announce that you're gonna try to get pregnant

and you're gonna like make it sound like a like a big deal like jesus go home gotta shut up mountain he's so funny lauren everybody's reaction is so funny because they've told her the same thing a million times and now she's to act like it's different. It's not going to be different. Lauren's still like, but I don't understand that. So if you're going to do it, then you're going to do it. Whatever. To each his own baby, I suppose.

And then Pekra's like, you're selfish. How many babies do you need? When the waiter comes by, I'll be sure to order you a baby. Because you seem to need an entire basket of them. Well, I've only got one little baby over here. Enjoy your multiple babies. Greedy baby maker. Oh, goodness.

Love you, Cheshire. Cheshire. Cheshire. So that was it for that episode. I'm sure next episode there'll be lots of exciting scenes of them meeting together to talk about things and talk about pokes and Leanne having stupid events like, I decided this week I was going to invite the girls over to watch me heat up some water in the microwave i've married a convection oven cut it's working pretty well

oh so next up would be newlywedseds. Newly-shweds. Oh, let me bring up the Newlywed page because I don't remember all their names still. The only name I know is Adonis because that's the most amazing name for a fat person ever. Yeah, that is, I mean, I love a good sarcastic name. You know, they're like, oh, this is an ugly baby. Let's name him Adonis. Wishful thinking. It's like Phaedra naming one of her kids Mr. President.

And you know he's never going to be elected to student council. It's just going to be embarrassing his whole life. I know. So on this episode, most of them were dealing with their honeymoons or mini-moons, yada, y yada yada um so why don't we go through couple by couple should we start with the gay couple um well my first thing i wrote was straight honeymoon intense asshole forehead wrinkles oh okay so you know the ex-drug addict who's been married twice who marries a persian princess who was cheating with him while being married for four months herself um all that class in one sentence you guys yeah the biggest scary thing about him okay obviously he has like math eyes but also he does that thing where he's all when he's talking

he's lifting his eyebrows so that his forehead is wrinkling which means he's really serious so he's always really intensely telling you something, but it's not even serious. He'll be like, and then we were going to pack the car. And then, and then it's like, please calm your goddamn wrinkles.

You're making me nervous. Like, I cannot believe I'm actually saying this, but please man, get some Botox. I cannot look at your stress. Wrinkles are making me crazy. You're not even saying anything important.

Okay. That's the only moneye I had. The rest I can go straight through the show. Well, with their storyline, we were learning about Tara's anxieties. She's been really afraid of flying ever since 9-11.

And, of course, Rob, he thinks it's basically the way she projects her anxiety about her family. He actually blames it on her family. He's like, I think it's all the pressure that the family puts on her that it comes out with a fear of flying. I'm like, wow, you really are turning her against her family, aren't you? Like, everything now traces back to the family. No, she's just crazy.

Crazy lady. Yeah, work out your own mommy issues with your own mommy, okay? Don't bring her mommy into it just because she wanted a little fried rice at the wedding or whatever. Yellow rice, whatever. So, I mean, not much happened with these guys. Also, didn't they meet on a work trip? her mommy into it just because she wanted a little fried rice at the wedding yeah yellow rice whatever so i mean not much happened with these guys also didn't they meet on a work trip that they had to fly to get the fuck out of here with your phony fears that come out of nowhere all of a sudden

it was vegas she probably drove there but where are they in la yeah which people don't drive to vegas you know work and then drive to vegas that's for poor people telling cars well calls so um she's afraid of flying and she also has ocd and so we got to see her like walking around the house and tidying things up and like closing refrigerator doors and opening them and stuff like that it was like i don't buy it that's like a fake housewife's disease yeah so then basically the thing that was noteworthy was that they were driving to the to lax to fly to italy and she was really nervous she's like i've never been on a layover before i don't know if i could do this i'm feeling sick like what if i have a panic attack during the layover i'm like oh my god so finally we get out of here so rob does the thing that no parent

should ever do which is give a choice to the person who's acting up you know to the kid right you're never supposed to be like like if you don't stop if you don't stop doing this i'm turning this car right around and we're driving home when you have no intention of doing that so he's like so do you want to get on the plane or do you not? Make the decision right now. Do you want to turn around or do you want to go to Italy? Thinking that she's going to kick her into high gear and get her to be okay. She's like, turn around the car. He's like, really? We're really doing this?

We're really doing this? I'm like, dude, you shouldn't have asked. You shouldn't have offered. Don't give that opportunity. Just go to the airport and just force her on. And he tells us you know when we were first getting married or when we're first talking about marriage i knew that she had this issue but i didn't know that i was marrying somebody so deeply broken like you

said something like i didn't know that i was getting stuck with someone with issues that that are that pathetic like he said something that. Was just so. A bad sign for their future. You know. Basically the translation was. I knew she had issues and everything. But. Boobs.

Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. Huge boobs. Boobs that are 20 years younger than me. Yeah. I'm not sure about them. She gets on my nerves.

Because I don't buy anyone on bravo who's like i'm afraid of flying because that's like a rich white disease and i'm sick of hearing it and you know that they're gonna you know that you know next episode they'll be driving she's like wait now now we're gonna go because the you you book that's like a lot of money that's going down the drain so they're gonna do it and i don't buy this they're turning around on the pch at all no they're going yeah um okay i'll be with this they're turning around on the pch at all no they're going yeah um okay i'll be with you on that prediction i'll go in on that prediction thank you ronnie so the gay honeymoon okay gay people i know that we're like camping ironically now i get it kind of

but why would you do that on your honeymoon you both have jobs you're camping in a parking lot for your honeymoon gay people yeah uh i mean i actually like that scene you know like we're you know brandon has really grown on me i feel like we're seeing different layers of him which i like i liked how he was apprehensive you know holding hands with a man amidst like all the white trash um and so like i feel like i got that and you know and craig's like come on, honey. This is, I'll protect you, honey. Don't worry about it. And he's, Brandon's like, please stop holding my hand. I like that.

I thought that was, I thought that was good. But I was wondering, like, why? This is, this is terrible. This is a terrible decision. Yeah, it was really bad. They're like, let's go camp right in the middle of a bunch of straight families at a parking lot in flowered short shorts and like a whale tail thong. And then

Brandon keeps bringing up, he's like, but it's easier for you because you have not been gay bashed while walking past these people while you're just trying to get to school in an intolerant place like Salt Lake. And he's like, oh, come on, honey. Like, gay bash, may may bash get over it

it was weird but i love that they are just so out and proud they're walking around in their little short shorts their tent is almost transparent which is hilarious that is like a palm springs gay camping trip waiting to happen and And then they go, then they change locations. They actually wind up in a hotel eventually. And that's when their big quote unquote fight is happening because Craig wants Brandon to become a Ramsey. He wants it to be Brandon Ramsey. And by the way, spoiler alert, it's not going to happen

because I'm looking on the Bravo website right now. And it's Brandon Liberati and Craig Ramsey. It doesn't have their names. But Craig's like you married a ramsey you know like there's like generations upon generation of ramsey i'm like listen you're not from like the deep south okay you're from toronto you're from ontario like no one cares about generations up there right like no one cares about generations in the north right am i crazy so uh meanwhile there's gonna be like generations of ramses like with pitchforks at my door but then the other is like yeah but why can't we take my name and he's like

because you made it up honey like you can't just take a made-up name he's like but it was hard coming up with that name liberati like no one forgets liberace and they're not gonna forget liberati i'm like they're gonna think for the rest of their life that you're some queen who can't spell liberace yeah he's like then i built my whole career on this name liberati the hair cutter yeah i say why don't you just take craig's name and then for all your business stuff you just stay as brandon liberati he goes honey i didn't even know i was marrying somebody who wasn't gonna take my name like not even a hyphen like you even used your own hyphen at city hall and he's like well honey like we'll cross that bridge when we come to it you know let's like get to more important things first um you're married that bridge is that bridge is crossed you just basically crossed a nameless bridge

honey what this tells me is that you have one foot in and one foot out. And I like that. It's a great dance move, but I don't like that with our marriage. One foot in and one foot out. You're hokey-poking our marriage, honey, and I don't like that. His feet are both in. He married you. Who cares about your stupid name? I mean, I guess I can see why he would care, but this is filed under one of those things that you should have talked about before you got married.

Well, apparently they did. That was the whole issue. He's like, honey, I thought we were going to change it. And he's like, well, no. Change your plan. Whatever. Ramsey's not as graceful of a haircutting name, so I don't want to ruin my business. Who wants to get their hair cut by a Ramsey?

Look at you. You're a Ramsey. You never cut your hair unless I make you. How dare you? Let's face it also. The name Brandon Ramsey sounds exactly like a porn name. It does. But, I mean, literati or whatever. Literati also.

It's like, you know what? How about let's just start a new tradition. When gay people get married, they should just make up their own new name. And we'll just start little gay family trees. They be shorter they won't have as many branches but you know everyone loves the charlie brown christmas it'll just be like that little tree with a couple of little branches on it that people change the name of every year just to keep it fresh i feel like there's a tradition in la of ridiculous quote-unquote celebrity hairstylists that just name themselves and

then have billboards of themselves. Like that guy Chaz Dean, who I think was even featured on, what's it called, Flipping Out. He has billboards all around the city, and it's like him with his plastic surgery face and flat ironed hair. Which, by the way, why do so many hairdressers have terrible hair? And it's just like, Chaz Dean Studio. I'm like, please, take your narcissistic ass off this billboard. I'd rather see Adriana's insurance instead.

Well, it's like when you go to a car dealership and you're looking at nice cars and then you see your salesman drive away in a Pinto. Wait a second. Getting suckered here. Yeah, Chaz Dean is hilarious. He has his picture all over town and he takes different shots like every season. And the current one is him facing profile and being very serious and it's kind of a sepia black and white thing i'm like wow yeah a profile ponytail pick feet i'm not sure what this means but

i it's it's really awful like if if people could see these these chasdean billboards it's there it's like it's it's it's awful and i don't know if they're placed next to those ones that say grinder facebook chlamydia you know tinder herpes but they're always close to that billboard they're always close to like some gay sex billboard well they're always like they're always like the cheap billboards like it's the one that's like on western santa monica boulevard where the billboard real estate is really cheap yeah it's like chas and std billboard and then like a new show on oxygen so anyway but i still like uh i still like craig and brandon the most out of all these couples i think they still seem really sweet even if they are a little precious they're so

they do seem sweet i like them too they make laugh. I didn't know I was marrying someone who was going to refuse to take my name, honey. And then he does that pout thing. He's like, like looking at him with a pout. Liberati's like, no, you are not changing Liberati, bitch. So next up, we have the saddest couple in the bunch. I would have to say saddest for me at least which is adonis and dead eyes oh my god dead eyes is a great name for erica oh she's just poor thing she went like got a hotel room for a night or somewhere and she comes out and she's like well

i decided that adonis like he really loves me and you know i love him because obviously when we met each other like he was handsome and charming and then now like i don't want to be alone so i'm gonna forgive him like what did you hear yourself she's like i that's basically what it was she's like i just don't want to start over yeah and she even said she even did the classic rationalization thing which is that she goes it actually takes a lot of courage to tell someone two days before your wedding that you slept with 14 prostitutes so you know i really applaud him for trying to grow i'm like what how could i not marry someone he's so courageous i mean we have 25 people

flying in for this we can't cancel it now curry uh courage is still good even if it's like years and years too late yeah it's like the war is lost but now someone finally gets the nerve to like shoot a nazi like it's over actually we won that one okay bad history so um she whoever she's talking to on the phone goes you know erica you really should just pray about it do what god says i'm so sure god's like well 14 brazilian hookers i mean it could have been worse he could have gone for a full 20 but he didn't marry him says the bible god's like i'm bored let's just see what happens if these two go get together god's like if i tell you not to marry him you're not going to be on newlyweds and i love that fucking show so yeah marry him marry anyway um yes they get married and then like adonis's dad

brings like his wife and his girlfriend well actually even before that both of them didn't make prepare vows so Adonis' vow was like Erica I love you okay and I really treasure you okay and I'm always gonna treasure you okay so just remember that I love you okay

that's really romantic it's like Erica next time I fuck a Brazilian hooker i'm gonna not kiss her because i respect you she's like oh yeah that was so romantic i do because if i don't i'm just gonna be standing here alone in the rain i go geez he's sad sack and then for their reception they really had spaghetti and chicken i didn't even notice that oh my god did they jesus because she said right before this talk she's like well i'm just going over the food for the wedding what do you want and he's like i wanted to tell you that i banged 14 hookers and she's like no

what do you want for food at the wedding and he's like oh i don't care like spaghetti and chicken yeah and she really got spaghetti and chicken so so terrible so they're so so terrible so let other couples so how'd that end they just so what happened is that the dad the dad his dad his swinger dad came and brought his wife and his girlfriend and so there wasn't a seat for the girlfriend and so erica was getting annoyed because he was standing there and causing kind of, he's causing like, not even really causing a scene. He just was standing there like waiting to figure out where to sit.

And then she's like, he's still standing there. He's still standing there with Adonis. And Adonis is like, we're not going to talk about this. We're not going to talk about this. And then they started to get into a fight at their own reception. I was like,

this, this marriage is off to a great start you can't resent the man who took your husband to bang 14 brazilian hookers when you're actually married to the man who banged 14 hookers yeah that's called some misplaced blame yeah okay i mean what are you worried about running out of spaghetti get out of here yeah fucking spaghetti catering. Anybody should be invited. They should just put an ad in the fucking thrifty nickel and just let anybody come serve spaghetti at your wedding. Get out of here. So then the last couple is Rob and Rochelle.

I actually really like them too. They're kind of funny. They're both hot. Is this Jay-Z and Beyonce? Yeah. I kind of felt bad for them because basically the show didn't bother to give them a camera crew into the final scene. Their entire storyline was shot on, like, their cell phone, on quote-unquote couple cam. And it was basically them just assembling furniture.

And the weird thing was that they – so they were moving to a bigger apartment. And they're like, we need to move to, like, an adult apartment, like a big boy apartment. And so they just, like, move, like, a floor down in their building. And I'm like, this doesn't feel like, it feels like a lateral move. It's like the same building. It's, like, maybe a little bit larger. It's, like, literally a lateral move. Like, well, we wanted a door on the other side of the living room, so we moved across the hall.

It's working for us. He's wearing jorts. They're fighting over IKEA furniture. But then they laugh. And then they keep filming themselves, like you're saying. And then they shoot this selfie video in bed having a sex talk, which is odd. Like, hey, we need to do a scene. Let's talk about how we don't fuck each other anymore.

She's like, okay, sounds great. Get out your iPhone. So they record this. And she's like, I tried to have sex with you. And then you started eating instead. Eating spaghetti. Yeah. He's like, I tried to have sex with you and then you started eating instead. Eating spaghetti. Yeah, he's like, spaghetti looked really good. And he goes, yeah, but you've also been working all day, you know.

I'm like, there's a difference between men and women because men are like a shiny, gleaming mountain and we're always ready to be climbed. But a woman is like a musty, stinky, dirty, dank cave. And if you go in there it's gonna stink and it's probably gonna have a bunch of bat poop in it and she's like um gross and have you ever smelled a mountain and i was like you two are so stupid mountains smell good and you're still comparing her to a gaping wide open frigid cave yeah what What the hell? And then later in the episode, he then complains, like, I think we need to have, like, more, like, sex. Because we're not having enough sex. I'm like, well, she was ready for it earlier.

You're the one who went and got a bowl of pasta. Yeah, if you guys want more sex, you need to stop having food in the house. Yeah. He shouldn't be eating that food anyway. He's got lovely abs. Don't lose them. Never lose your looks, Rob Bran. They're very

important if you're gonna be jay-z he's gotten by on his looks for years darling oh jay what a handsome devil uh gay change name to ramsey okay dumbass i know he can be a great man god did we make it through this whole thing yeah isn't there't there another couple? No, that was it. It's just that, like, since there are four couples, it takes up a lot of real estate of the show. And it cuts back and forth between all of them. You know, every scene is, like, chopped up into four little bits. It's like Rob and Rochelle are like, I can't put together this chair. And then it, like, does the flickering thing.

And then you go to, like, Adonis being an Erica. And Erica's like, I think we can fit 50 chairs back here i'm like well you should have figured that out about before the day before your your wedding and then like flickers back to them like well we've built a chair and it flickers back to like honey we're camping and it flickers back like let's make another table it's just ping pongs around i do like this show though i'm glad we're watching it instead of work out. Yeah, I'm enjoying it, too, and I enjoy that we don't have to take notes for it. I don't think anybody has said brand yet.

It's coming soon, because Rochelle's working on her Fashion Empire brand. Oh, yeah. And I'm sure Craig, too, will say something about his working out brand. Well, actually, Brandon was close to it. First of all, his name is Brandon. And second of all, he didn't want to change the liberati name because of his work stuff well that's true but i think a lot of that are just like old ads from frontiers that old queens might have lying around their house and he doesn't want to have to like rebuy all those ads you know yeah i just i like brandon a lot i feel like i I don't feel like he is performing for the cameras as much.

I feel like he's actually being pretty real. I feel like some of the others are trying to be clever and funny and silly on camera. And I think that Brandon has let down his guard faster than the others so far. Well, not yet. Because we haven't really watched him have a true breakdown yet. He had his, like, I don't want to hold hands in front of people people even though i knew we were coming here kind of breakdown but i don't believe that's real i think his breakdown is going to come over something like hair in the clog you know like hair in the drain or something like that and then we're going to really get to see him lose it

and his boyfriend too patty mcpowderston face who lives off of his looks oh my god those two are gonna be crazy old queen gold and i can't wait yeah spin it boys spin it spin it all right well i think that's it that's good close it on out ben close it on out well everyone uh thanks for listening we love you deeply um deeply. We will be back with more stuff next week, which will be some real Housewives of Atlanta and Vanderpump Rules and what else? Maybe some Top Chef? Top Chef has been on hiatus

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