Watch What Crappens - #257: Literally, Crapping on Bravo

Episode Date: January 13, 2016

This week: crapping on Bravo. Literally. We watch Jax poop on "Vanderpump Rules." Need we say more? Of course we do! Here's the rundown: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:09:51 - Crappens Mailbag 00:23:09 - Real Housewives of ATL (Kenya meets her mom!) 01:04:06 - Top Chef: California (gay weddings! 01:23:13 - Vanderpump Rules (Jax's birthday lunch!) Thanks for listening everyone! We love you! See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap in? There's so much that crap in Oh, I mean, there's so much that crap in Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap in? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crap In, the podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast, and joining me is the sleuthing investigative very smart very very sharp ronnie carom from trash talk tv.com hi ronnie yeah yeah yeah yeah so uh ronnie and i have just spent an hour and 15 minutes hour and 20 minutes

talking about making a murderer, the Netflix sensation that everyone is chatting about. We just, we just dissected the whole series for our bonus episode and we are, we're kind of fired up at the moment. How to get away with making a murderer starring Viola. Yeah. Davis.

Viola. Yeah. Davis. Viola. Viola. Yeah. Yeah. Davis. By all. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So we went through everything. We went through. We talked about the crime. We talked about the conspiracy theories. We talked about Ken Krantz. Ken Kratz. We talked about the hot reporters. We talked about everything. We talked. We talked about the hot reporters. We talked about everything.

We talked. We named the most consistently hot out of the entire cast. Uh-oh. Bueller's cat up in some headphones. Okay, Bueller. Oh, jeez. Trying to plant evidence against Stephen Avery, yeah? Bueller.

So we went through the whole thing. We had a lot of fun. I i mean we're still sort of in making a murderer mode but um if you want to hear all of that uh go to patreon.com patreon.com forward slash watch what crap happens um and uh if you sign up there uh you get access to a bonus episode every week this week's is about making a murderer. Other weeks are about who knows what. We did one about Star Wars. We've done all sorts of things.

And then there's also, at certain levels, you get access to a monthly Google Hangout. Ringtones. Ronnie makes all these great ringtones. And, of course, our Krappen's Mailbag, which you'll be hearing in a little bit. So supporting us there really really really helps us out a lot and i was thinking about it ronnie i was actually thinking about like i was listening to another podcast and saying and they were saying how they are like uh you know they were starting up a patreon thing etc because they they need the help and i was thinking that really it has really

helped us a lot and uh i just was having a reflective moment of thanks. So, you know, I was getting, I was, I was having like a moment. I was like, it's so nice. Like, how lucky are we that we have like such great listeners that do support us and make this feasible for us. Yeah.

So cute. So cute. We love ya. We love ya. So we also have watchwhatcrappens.com Where you can get access to all our social media links And other things And of course facebook.com forward slash watchwhatcrappens

Which is the best facebook page On the internet Tons of people We have like We're coming up on 6,000 likes It's crazy 6,000 likes Oh my god so many good posts on here that you guys post. When you go to the Facebook, make sure that you're looking also at the post by others or visitor post it's called now.

Yeah, visitor post. Because that is where you guys post all these links, and they're so good. I mean, today they're all Brooks Ayers' book, which is amazing. Vicky Gumbelson ready to whoop it up in mexico a some lady with drag queen face oh it's pettiflor oh lord what did pettiflor do to herself she looks like patsy from abfab and not in a good way darling come back to the five in time i'm gonna look at it now i'm gonna go i'm looking at i'm gonna go to it now it's horrifying she looks like a drag queen playing patsy Stone

What's great about our Facebook page Is because people do post all the stuff They post all the gossip, all the photos Just funny references to our show I like to think of it as If the Bravo gossip is the rain Everyone is like the roof Channeling the rain into our gutter

Of a Facebook page And we have giant buckets of Bravo gossip to offer everyone. So good. I'm still clicking through it right now. Oh, someone put a picture up of the hot reporter from Making a Murderer. Okay. It's on my visitor post. I know.

I'm looking. I'm scrolling past right now. There's Andele. Andele. Oh, Petty Fleur. She looks like a transgender lady. What is wrong with her?

She really went crazy. Yeah, that is not good. She's going for Chrissy Teigen there. That's not even good. I mean, that's like your fifth face. That's not your second face, Petty Fleur. Ease into the lifting, darling. Yeah, darling, you're never going to attract your son that way

your son isn't gay enough to be a Patsy Stone fan darling so anyway that's that's the news everyone just follow us on Facebook it makes us feel good so first order of business also we have to give

a nod to our super premium sponsor, Marvin J. He gets a shout out because Marvin supports us at a super premium level on Patreon. So he gets a special shout out every single episode. Marvin J. helps our dreams come true. Holler. Holler, J. And then we also have Christy Dougherty, who supports us at the premium level, and

she's been our sugar mama for a few months now, and so we love Christy Dougherty. We bow down at her altar. We love you, we're in love with you, and we also still like you. That's crazy. This relationship's gonna last. Yeah. I felt good about it.

Well, what do you want to do? Let's talk about the mailbag. I'm so excited to do the show today. Before even the mailbag, we have some news. Because we're going to do this. You know that last week we announced J-Law Quest 2016? Oh, yeah. It's our quest to get Jennifer Lawrence on this podcast. Well, here's the news we've made no progress

whatsoever but one of our listeners did say she's from the same hometown so a little blip on the radar so uh we are still but we're still going we're trying to go through proper channels we're not going to harass her we're just but we're hoping that someone knows someone who's someone who could let her know about the podcast and get her on so um i watched the golden globes this week and i love that how old is jennifer lawrence 23 i mean she's young and she became famous so young yeah and winter's born a winter's tale of bones yeah how to make a murderer with winter's bones or whatever you make a murder stock with the bones and i remember her winning that golden globe for that one and she won this year for that movie that has like five percent on tomatoes whatever it is no offense and uh

she won for it and um she got up and she's like, thanks. Thanks so much. Thanks to the director because every time I'm up here, it's because of you. So, I mean, I guess thanks, guys. I mean, she's already so bored. She's like Michael Douglas. She's just like, oh, geez, here I am again. I just wanted to be at home. That's because she wants to be at home watching Bravo and chumming it up with us.

Only in 23 can you already be at retirement age just ready to take a nap during the Golden Globes. So good. We have to get her on this show. We have to. We love you, J-Law. So people, if you know someone, if you know her press person or you know her hairstylist or whatever, just get the the we're putting it out there and you know what on my other podcast on banter blender uh i had i had two i had two vision quests i had one uh that they both did not come true but they but they came close i have first i i spent like two years i was like chad ochocinco that was my goal he didn't come on he did not come on the but I did get to meet him, and I felt like that was as good as I could get.

So that made me feel good. And then next one was Jason Collins. I tried very hard to get Jason Collins to come on the show in the same way, which is that I didn't really try. Who's that? He is the gay basketball player. Oh. And eventually I did – Oh, wait. The gay football player or the gay basketball player?

The basketball player. The one who was on Ladies of London? No, that's the football player. Oh. Oh, never mind. I have nothing against the gay football player the gay basketball the basketball player the one who was on Ladies of London no that's a football player oh oh never mind I have nothing against the gay basketball player and the gay football player I just hate all of his

mismatched patterns okay I can't get behind that well because he spoiled Star Wars but um this is not my way of like bragging that I met these people

but the point is that I do believe that like eventually our paths will cross with these people and I want to get them poised so that we can get Jennifer Lawrence on the show. What the hell is a basketball player going to talk about on this show? No, he's not coming on this show.

This is for Banter Blender. Okay. I'm like the worst guest asker ever because I'm like, no, I don't like her. I do like J-Law, though, but I'm kind of glad we never got Chrissy Teigen because now she's just getting even more and more on my nerves now that i'm seeing her a lot on everywhere well whatever we were on top chef before she was so yeah that's right batch that's right batch all right so i don't know i haven't even really looked at the questions yet okay so lola del rio favorites we love we love that lola del rio she has a good question i did

see this this is a good one this is a good question would you rather be accused of having a real disease that you deny a la Jax and his dirty STD or a fake disease that no one believes you actually have? And then she finishes by saying, hashtag justice. I fucking say this all the damn time. I get the weirdest looks. Love it. So would you rather be

like Jax and deny a real disease or Yolanda and have a fake disease and no one believes you? I would like to be like Yolanda and have a fake disease that no one believes you. I would like to be like Yolanda and have a fake disease that no one believes. Really? Why is that? Because it's just more interesting. People will still fuck you. Like, who's going to fuck Jax now?

Well, probably still everybody because it's LA. But, like, who's going to, you know, no one wants to have sex with Jax now because he's like a walking sore. Like, that's all you're going to ever see now. But Yolanda, like like i don't know people are still curious to have sex with her because a they want to know if those white jeans smell and b you know everyone wants to know what it's like to have sex with someone who might

possibly maybe have some kind of lime thing like i don't know right i think like i'd rather have sex with john stossel than Barbara Walters. I would. What about Hugh Downs? Where does he, or Cokie Roberts? Downs, that's perfect. I need, like, a little case of the Downs, but just enough to get pity. A touch of Downs.

That's his new fragrance. It's like Asperger Downs. Ass Downsger. Is Hugh Downs still alive? I feel like he's not. I mean, I'm assuming not, but who knows? I mean, with this medical community that we've got, wow. He's alive. He's 94.

Well, you guys, that is the best news that... You just fast forwarded. Breaking news. Someone find Hugh Downs and ask him if he knows J-Law. breaking news someone find you downs and ask him if he knows j-law um i think i actually would prefer in life i think i'd be i'd prefer to be accused of having a real disease because then you could theoretically get a test and say see i don't have it although

these days you know what does a medical test mean justice knowledge justice just don't have it. Although these days, you know, what does a medical test mean? Justice, knowledge, justice. Just don't go to Newport Imaging. But I think I would prefer to be able to prove that I'm innocent rather than have something and there's no one believes me because I think that would actually make me go crazy. Well, I've already got a fake disease that i use for an excuse for everything and it's called mommy issues so i guess i've already answered that with my real life choices yeah um okay so madonna hines oh hello madonna down she's from down under down under down under with a six inch

eye down under six inch eye she asks who from bravo would you invite to your hypothetical dinner party and why? Well, I would invite, well, you go first. I answered first last time. Well, Lisa Vanderpump, just because it's Lisa Vanderpump. And then I think after Lisa Vanderpump, Gail Simmons. And then Eileen Davidson and Lisa Rinna. I'm basically just doing the cast of Beverly Hills with Gail Simmons, which I'm totally fine with,

except I wouldn't have Kyle. I would have Lisa, Eileen, and Lisa. Gail, no one from Vanderpump Rules. Maybe Liz from Gallery Girls. Maybe. Oh my god, this sounds like a horror show of a dinner party. These people would all be mean to me. Do not invite me to this dinner party.

Everyone you've named would be horrible to me. Except Gail. She's nice. I would want Gail there. I think I actually... Okay, if I had to start over, I would say horrible to me except gail she's nice i would i just i would want gail there i think i actually okay if i had to start over i would say gail definitely gail because we could talk about food you can make her an egg she loves eggs um burnt charred i don't know i'm like i can't think of i'm like for some reason i can't think of any other Bravo shows. Maybe, oh, Cameron. Cameron from Southern Charm.

Gale and Cameron. Oh, that's a good one. The three of us. I would just invite whoever could get the night off from Vanderpump Rules because they wouldn't eat, so I wouldn't have to cater anything, and they'd all have good coke. Okay. Do you want to do one more question? Let's see. Okay, we got three, so let's do one and we'll save the other two for next for the next episode okay betty brown this is from

betty brown she says oh this is a this is a multi-tiered one sort of mary shag kill she's she has three sets of mary shag kills so the first one Sheena Marie Kristen Stassi I would marry Stassi because I know I'm going to end up with a bitch who won't leave me alone for the rest of my life anyway I'd shag who are the other two Sheena Marie

and who's the other one Kristen seriously I'd shag Sheena Marie because I don't think she's had sex with jacks yet and i guess i would have to kill kristin only because i'm against t-shirt companies there are already too many t-shirt companies okay i'm not paying 30 for something you stole off a bumper sticker bitch my results are shockingly similar i mean they're the same i would say i definitely would marry stassi because as much as stassi is a bitch you know i would just really have a lot

of fun going out to brunch with her and just making fun of everyone around us um i i would sleep with sheena for the same reason she hasn't been with jacks although i feel like every time you like thrust on sheena she's like i feel like some weird goose noises come out and then oh yeah now she just sounds like toad she sounds exactly like toad in super mario galaxy um kristin i think you gotta kill because she's crazy. I mean, she's broken. And you know what happens to broken horses.

You got to put them down. Yeah, eventually. Children need glue. Okay, next Marishag kill from Betty Brown. Brandy, Kim Richards, or Hanky? I would marry Kim Richards because that mom had to stow some money away somewhere. I think that every decade that hits, Kim Richards gets another trust unlocked. Because that money has to be somewhere.

I don't believe that it's all gone. Also, good drugs. Okay, so I'd marry her. Who are the other ones? Hanky and Brandy. I'd fuckanky just because just because he's probably the best tongue out of all of them i mean that nick and then brandy i mean i cannot listen to i'd rather listen to hanky squawk while i fucked him

than listen to brandy squawk the rest of my life about nothing. And also Brandy will make shit up. You can't fuck her. Cause she's going to tell the whole world lies about you. You can't marry her because she's going to tell the whole world lies about you. So, you know, kill.

Yeah. I think that, yeah, I think Brandy has to be, I think she has to, she's killer in Hanky's ponds for sure. And then Hanky, this is hard because I feel like i would not want to be married to

kim richards because she's a liability but then again hanky would probably give like a good blow job but i would but then at the same time what are you what are you made out of paper clips the hell well i think you would cut your wee wee off but that neck you said it yourself i mean i mean listen a neck jostle hanky knows how to guzzle but but then again like do you want to have sex with kim richards i don't know so it's like maybe kim richards is the one you kill put her out of her misery brandy i think maybe you have sex with brandy and then you marry hanky and let him just waddle around everywhere. Okay. But I... No, no, you say.

No, no, no. It's enough. It's enough. So then the last trio... I've already fucked Hankey and we're like 10 minutes in. And I've been already like opining about his fellatio skills. So the last trio of Maryshag Kill. Jax, Tom Sando, Schwartz. Jax, Tom Sando, Schwartz.

Jax, Tom Sandoval, Tom Schwartz. Okay. You first. I keep going first. I think... So it's interesting. My gut tells me you kill Jax right away. Right away.

Although you have to imagine this. Actually, there is something primal and sexy about Jax. But too many SDEs, so kill Jax. there is something primal and sexy about Jack but too many STDs so kill Jacks there is nothing primal I mean except for he's muscular I think Schwartz you have sex with

you have a fun little romp with Schwartz and then I think you marry Tom Sandoval and talk about music and stuff agree I would marry Tom sandoval because he expects you to be a bitch forever like he would take whatever shitty attitude you throw at him i like that um tom schwartz i guess i'd fuck him because he's the fattest and then jack jacks is one of those babies that people have at prom and you're like, just leave it in the toilet.

Like, no one, the news aren't even going to, they ain't even going to criticize you for that one. Just leave it there. It's like E.T., you know, has to go home. Bring him back to the toilet. But, yeah, I think, because I think, I feel like Schwartz, like, you know everything if you marry schwartz you're signing up for a lifetime of like hey can you pick up like uh can you pick up like some chicken at the supermarket hey i'm looking at the chicken do you want foster farms should i go to the counter like whatever's on sale like on sale with a ralph's card or like what do you want and then he comes back with a pot roast

he'd be like oh gosh all right well chicken if i get chicken oh just antibiotics but antibiotics are good to fight against disease but i don't have a disease but what if i got one oh god should i cheat on katie like a life of indecision you're like tom you got the you didn't even get chicken he It's like a life of indecision. You're like, should I cheat on Katie? Tom, you didn't even get chicken. He just pours a glass of water in your head like. Yes, any man who's like 40 but pretends he's like an indecisive 13-year-old because he thinks it's cute, be done with him.

That man is no good. He's going to be cheating on you for the rest of your life. Yeah. So congrats, Tom Sandoval and St stassi we unequivocally believe that we're gonna marry you and then you know we don't know really where we stand on the hanky i marry sandoval you know i really do like sandoval's gradual descent into crazy face he's not just like jumping on the crazy face bandwagon he's being gaslit a little bit i think hey first of all here's the thing i could have a perfectly

pleasant marriage to tom tandoval where all we do is talk about our hair doing our hair and shirts and i'm happy i'm fine with that i'm i'm down yeah he parties a lot and i'm totally into terrible bands like that's an la fad that i love well it's not a fad but an la personality type just some like bartender with a terrible band i'm really into that but i meant crazy face like literal face like facially like he's really going slowly like he's getting some botox maybe some fillers but he's not jacksing out yet you know he's not like sheena marie who's like only the top of a face and like a disintegrated jaw. I mean, what is she, putting that thing in a pencil sharpener?

She doesn't even have a jaw anymore. What is she doing? It's like she's auditioning to be a sidekick to the villain of the next Batman movie. Totally. She needs to start chain smoking just so she can have a hole in her throat to talk out of because soon there's going to be nothing there. She's going to be like a top set of teeth. Soon there's going to be nothing there.

She's going to be like a top set of teeth. Well, at least we know where we stand with all these people. So thank you, everyone. Thanks. That's our audience while we're having sex with Inky. Yeah. The sheep is like, the brontosaurus is like, why? Why was i the one brontosaurus to survive no i have to see this all right we've got lots of shows today i've been and lots more coming up oh my god does potomac start today uh potomac starts i believe this

coming sunday oh my god yeah yeah so we have atlanta top chef pump should we start with atlanta and then do like a top chef like palate cleanser then go to pump oh sure okay well why don't you leave it right i have to say i thought this was a pretty boring episode of atlanta and i had a i actually had a dream last night that i was playing board games with portia and i couldn't remember the rules and she was getting impatient with me. Isn't that awful? What a terrible dream. Like, Portia knows how to play any board game.

You know she screams Uno right in the middle of Monopoly. Like, shut up over there. So this episode was up and down, and that's much how this show always goes. It's like, amazing, terrible, terrible amazing terrible um this show started shopping for baby things i don't know if they were shopping for like real baby things or a new suit for todd whatever they were at some store called pretty please and we got to see carmen's wig on an old lady mama joyce is back she's back uh yeah they were candy was shopping for baby stuff or todd stuff with mama joyce and uh the only note that i wrote down was that um the saleswoman was

like here's some of our cribs this one's amazing this is a wrought iron crib i was like that's a jail like who buys a wrought iron crib i I hate everything wrought iron, by the way. I think the concept of wrought iron should be gone. I hate it. The Ralphs right by me, we talked about this last week. The Ralphs right by me, the tables that they have for the little in-store Starbucks are wrought iron. Terrible. Well, I like that she's already buying him a jail cell.

She's like, don't worry, Bill. We'll keep your stuff while you're in jail she's like keeping the baby stuff in the garage while he's in the crib um mama joyce is medicated heavily i don't know what's going on with her but i love that she's back and the lady who runs pretty please look terrified the only person in that store who didn't look terrified was that stuffed bear that had closed eyes. Like someone made a stuffed bear whose eyes are always closed. It's like some abuse thing on Lifetime, you know? Like there's no facial features because they got abused.

And I feel like that with that bear. And I was like, the only reason that bear is smiling is because he cannot see the intense look on Mama Joyce's face. She's like, oh, I want i want a crib i was like oh no so she's gonna get a crib so that she can be closer to this kid than with riley so i'm so afraid for this child so mama mama joyce actually says at one point she's such a horrible human being and i love her she says to the lady she goes yeah i'm gonna have a crib because i'm the only grandmother now wink smile what the hell i didn't pick up on that oh my god that's terrible awful so this scene is just her saying that she's gonna go have a talk

with phaedra uh-oh yeah great. Mama Joyce, diplomat of the year. Always knows how to bridge the gaps between people. Her interpersonal skills are really unparalleled. I want Mama Joyce to just be the judge of every TV show ever. Objection. What you talking about? Objection. show ever objection what you talking about objection that is real silence in the courtroom so next up is detroit wrote decrypt i don't know why i wrote this i'm sure i was trying to write detroit it's a synonym for detroit Decrypt. Decrypt.

I'm writing about decrypt. People from Detroit are so sensitive about when you make fun of Detroit. It's funny because you can make fun of any other city. But the moment you make fun of Detroit, the moment you're like, oh, well, I'm surprised Detroit hasn't burned down. They're like, how dare you? We suffered through some riots. How dare you? We have come back. We have come back. I come back i'm like just

calm down you have nothing but like corrupt mayors and riots and a defunct auto industry just calm down just you have to enjoy it no people get so mad if you make fun of detroit but i'm like i guess i don't have any detroit jokes i'm gonna come up with some though just to see if i can know it's like mad that sounds amazing yeah i remember i remember um like 10 years ago when detroit was in the the finals with the lakers uh for the pistons and i remember i made like a joke about detroit about like oh well like like i'm surprised i haven't burned down the city yet and like my michigan friends were like that is so rude that is awful and someone jimmy fallon i'm not jimmy fallon jimmy um the other jimmy kimmel jimmy jimmy kimmel made a joke about like riots in detroit and he had to like issue a

formal apology to the city it was a whole thing but you know what though when the lakers were in detroit what happened like a crowd of people surrounded the hotel and were like they didn't like it wasn't like a full-on riot but it's kind of like dude like if you don't want people to make fun of you like stop writing and now i'll buy that now i've actually officially gotten all the people from detroit mad i'm sorry everyone i'm sorry i'm just saying like why can't we make fun of an offhand comment until like you're gonna get in so much trouble like why can't we make fun fun of Detroit the way we make fun of other cities that's what I'm saying like enjoy it

we know you're not just riots and fires we know that but like when you get sensitive about it it makes me think that you are you know

well if they're going to riot over anything it's going to be Kenya Moore coming to town so fingers crossed yeah like 8 miles away if there's any time

to start a car on fire it's now it's like Kenya comes to town and like everyone on 8 miles is like oh you if there's any time to start a car on fire it's now it's like kenya comes to town and then like everyone on eight miles like oh you know it's about time we start cleaning ourselves up you know guys let's let's just gentrify we got kenya more coming through we've got a walking riot coming through here all right you guys let's let's look inward and fix our problems so we don't turn out like kenya more um so they're talking about decrypt i think it's just because i just saw mama joyce so i'm like writing crypt keeper and tales from decrypt

that's wrong candy the crypt keeper where she's just saying everything's wrong okay kenya and laurie aunt laurie uh brendan's gonna go whatever kenya look i cannot feel um i cannot be too mean about someone whose mom won't ever even speak to them or look at them and stuff like that she's gonna go work out her current issues with people with the mother who never spoke to her and to that i say do what your mom did and stop speaking to everybody because you speaking to people is the problem in the first place the problem with your relationships is not that you're not talking

to them okay it's that you're talking too much be quiet learn something darling also I have to say she had a unibrow as a baby which is hilarious and her father brings up later and she's already planning on bombarding

her mother's house with a surprise jerry springer visit from the mercedes van or whatever the hell they're in yeah it's not it's not gonna work and then for some reason she mentioned oh she's talking about her high school and now and she also she's now actually screwed me up on how to say baccalaureate baccalaureate because she was like it's back she's like baccalaureate. Because she was like, it's bac... She's like baccalaureate. And I was like, ha ha ha, stupid Kenya. I was like, wait, how do you say it again?

I'm like, I don't know how to say it anymore. You ruined it for me. You ruined it. I can't say baccalaureate anymore. What is it? What is that? It's like, like if you have like a bachelor's,

it's like a baccalaureate. It's like a degree. But it's like, so she was saying, it's like a distinction. So she was saying her high school is, you know. i hate when i'm dumber than the people on atlanta i know like she couldn't pronounce the word but i'd never even heard of it i was like baccarat what yeah i'm too dumb so i just fast forwarded yeah uh and unfortunately stopped on cynthia's

stupid ass so yeah, yeah, exactly. Now we get to a Cynthia scene where Cynthia is getting dressed because Peter's brew is going to take on a romantic weekend. So Cynthia and that lovely Noelle. We love Noelle, which is, again, another reminder of Noelle's hot, hot husband, Leon. One of our listeners made a comment a few weeks ago, like, why don't you ever show any love for Leon? Like, you guys, like, Leon a few weeks ago like why don't you ever show any love for leon like you guys like leon is great like why don't you ever i'm like all we do is love on leon we still do not understand why the hell cynthia dumped black jesus from like a prayer video why did she do that leon the editor is sure love on him because poor cynthia like she doesn't have nini there anymore to save her scenes. So they keep showing clips of Leon.

People like Leon. Just show him again. Cynthia's Q writing will go up. So Cynthia's in the closet trying to figure out what to wear around Peter. I mean, girl. He was just caught strangling some girl on Instagram. I think she was wearing a For Sale Forever 21 shirt. It doesn't matter, okay?

For Sale forever 21. I'm glad you said that because I always get forever 21 and century 21 confused in the beginning when forever 21 first came around. Stupid. Oh, century 21. I remember that place in New York. That was the first clusterfuck sale place I ever went to where you had to fight people over some, you know,bes whatever um so anyway cynthia boring boring boring you're saying my daughter you know she's so sweet and fashionable and then they show the daughter and she's wearing like a t-shirt dress that she's ripped up and tied back together which i don't know i have no opinion on that except to say

t-shirts do not need to be reinvented all right christina let me tell you something cynthia has reached such a level of boringness that her only other scene this episode was a five second snippet of her and peter on the beach frolicking around going and then it just like cut away it was like oh cynthia standing in front of a plate of nachos while peter's in the background strangling some mexican teenager on a beach what the hell kind of trip is this yeah it was like they couldn't even they didn't even bother devoting a scene to to them which is actually more than what kim fields got this episode also i'd like to add i was just about to say cynthia and kim fields are both going to be drowned in a tub by the editors by the end of the season.

They get nothing. Well, I'm sure they find anything to get mad at this season. I mean, she was off on a carpool probably. She's like, sorry, can't film today. Big carpool day. We're going from school to an after school program. First day, new kids really wanted to watch that T-shirt dress get tied in Cynthia's closet, but I'm stuck behind a Range Rover, so you know how that goes. Listen, it's a big day in Carpool.

They changed the packaging on Apple and Eve juice boxes, so, you know, we're pretty excited over here. We got a new DVD player put in the back seat, and I can't get Little Mermaid to work. It's gonna be a long one, guys. Guys, the new Tinkerbell sequel came out today. Big carpool day. I officially let my son put too much salt on his french fries and he's stuck in the nurse's office, so I'm circling

around the carpool circle over and over. Sorry I can't make it to set today, guys. Trying out a new flavor of handy snack. Carpool's never going to be the same. Back to you chuck and now we go back to the most glamorous roach on tv that refuses to die porsche porsche who they've fired 20 000 times and keeps somehow magically reappearing on the show porsche with

her trainer this is the funniest shit i've ever seen what the hell kind of personal training was that there's he's like okay come sit on my crotch and do a sit-up okay now i'm gonna lift you above my face and right down to my face above my face like this guy is lifting your vagina on and off of his face where do i hire this man it's like my secret to skinniness is finally revealed. You know, I had no problem with this guy, DP. I was like, I am ready to see some more footage of DP. In fact, feel free to devote 10 minutes to DP. I am okay with that.

Oh, Ben, you just went on national podcasting and said you like DP. So good luck with the butthole in the future. Yeah. Like, why is my grinder suddenly going off the hook? DP. I'm down with DP. And then I have my issues with Detroit. We're learning everything about Ben today.

So Portia is doing something on a bench and he's like, watch your boobies. She's like, don't worry, thanks, sure. So then her sister arrives for the sister fight. So this is so funny. Of course, she goes, I'm so glad you came. And she goes, you made me. Oh, yeah. Well, look, when I get a package, you got to be there because then I had to drive from my house to get a package.

And I had to pay $200 for that package. I'm already paying $200 for DP's package. I don't have many $200 bills. I believe her words were actually, Can't miss packaging. Can't miss packaging. So you're saying that if someone brings some boxes, just some empty boxes and some tape over,

you can't miss it. So apparently the sister is the intelligent one, so she's coming up with all these business ideas and saying, we'll attach Porsche's name because people will buy it and I'll run the business and we'll use your name and we'll both get rich.

And Porsche's like, okay. So she has no idea what's going on in these businesses. Her sister's pregnant, which to be fair, she's like a second pregnant. She doesn't even have a bump. She's barely. She's already acting like she's in candy stage of pregnancy when that's not really the case. But she tells Portia, she's like, listen, I think, especially now that I'm pregnant, you should probably be more hands-on with your company.

And Portia gives her this look like a dog whose dog bowl has been moved like like what what hand more hands-on no no you just have to be you're the pregnant one i know you're the one that's to do everything yeah she's like you're lucky you're pregnant you do it and the sister's saying uh yeah i'm pregnant so i'm tired why are you tired you? You're pregnant. Who cares? You get to lay around out there and eat stuff. So they get in this big fight. And Portia goes, I'm selfish. I'm self-absorbed. I'm this.

And the sister's looking at her like, well, at least you're finally fucking getting it. And Portia says, they start fighting about the business. And Portia goes, you has act like I've paid no dues. I made this business on my back. Portia, Portia, please keep talking. By the way, this fight annoyed me because I'm like, come on, you know, producers, you got to do better. Like, we saw this with Candy and Carmen, like, last year. Like, I'm sick of this whole like you know i hired my

best friend slash sister to be my assistant and now we're having tension i just want to get back to us being sisters and friends like this is like almost as bad as vagina waxing oh just when you thought they couldn't make vagina waxing any worse they have one of the gay guys get his butthole waxed on the next newlyweds we'll be there oh i saw i saw a good old craig at the at tiago today coffee shop of a thousand stars did he start crying you told me that from a distance was playing earlier did he start crying he had already left the coffee shop when bit middler started started playing but Oh, poor thing. He has such a broad back. It's like this giant, like, you know, there's a V-shaped back.

His is like a, I don't know what it is. It's just enormous. It just goes in all different directions. Oh, the reality of backs at Tiago. Today at Tiago. You should do a whole podcast just from tiago about who comes in oh my god today bet midler was playing at tiago and i literally thought bet midler was at tiago 10 in the morning playing because you know she would yeah she would well i'll tell you who came

in i was sitting at a booth okay and this woman she's probably in her mid to late 50s she comes up to me and i was like she's like can i sit here with you i'm like sure because all the seats were taken so you know i'm not gonna be an asshole like yeah i she can share the booth with me i don't care so i'm type away i can't say i'm gonna fuck hanky but then like turn away some actual human being yeah exactly so you know i'm on my laptop because i'm doing my work i'm working my little pilot being a, you know, Hollywood cliche. And I have my outline next to me and I'm typing and she has her laptop. I'm like, it's fine.

I don't care. So it's like being back in school at the library. So I'm typing. And then like after like half an hour, she's like, she's like, excuse me. She's like, are you, you a writer? You a writer? Are you like, because she has this weird Eastern European accent. She's like, you a writer? Are you a writer? Because she has this weird Eastern European accent. She's like, are you a writer?

Are you adapting something? I'm like, yeah, I am. Because she seems like this really nice older lady. She's like, oh, me too. I'm like, oh, fuck. And she's like, you have manager or whatever? She's like, can you give me your manager's name? She literally just starts asking me for my manager's name.

She's like, can I have your name? She's hustling me. She's doing the Hollywood hustle. I'm like, it's bad enough that we're two like people writing in a coffee shop we're already motherfucking cliches but now you're like pitching me you're pitching me to get like my manager's name starts listing all the things she's done so i of course i'm like well how about you give me you give me your name i'll pass your name along along. I totally do the, like, don't call me, we'll call you, which is also ridiculous. And she gives me her name.

Her name is Anna. And she's like, I've written 12 novels, and I have a play in New York right now. I'm like, mm-hmm, sure. So I do a Google search, and she does have a book. It's called Urgent Beauty. Oh, my goodness. What does that mean? It's the most ridiculous title, but I'm like, this is Hollywood right here.

Does it take place in a hospital? Maybe. Maybe in the reconstructive surgery ward. It's a whole book about Max falling down in the bathroom. Oh my god, he needed urgent beauty. His teeth were in the wood. This is what Hollywood is, everyone. It is a cliche.

It's two writers stuck at a table. And by the way, when other seats opened up, there were like 10 open seats. She didn't leave. Well, she just thought she got an agent. What the hell? She's not going to leave. I know. And then you have like a reality star on the other side of the coffee shop, Bette Midler playing. And then like a pack of people across the street standing around David Bowie's star, which is, oh, by the way, so sad.

But this is Hollywood, everyone. If you want to come to Hollywood, the cliches are true. This is what happens. I was so proud of people in L.A. for when David Bowie died. They all posted about David Bowie and stopped posting about rain, even though it was two days later. People were still like, can you guys believe it rained? And then David Bowie and stopped posting about rain, even though it was two days later, people were still like, can you guys believe it rained? Um, and then David Bowie died.

So David Bowie, I'm sad that you died, but thank you for stopping people posting about rain. But you know what I felt bad about David Bowie's star is exactly where Asa had her protest in front of the, uh, in front of the Vegas seafood buffet. I was like, Oh,

David Bowie is a legend. He's an icon. He's wonderful. He impacted us all. And David Bowie to stay thin like that his entire life and then to be placed in front of a fucking buffet. I mean, that's just offensive. Someone's got to move that star at least to the Buffalo Wild Wings.

Get it out of the Vegas Seafood Buffet. I mean, fresh and easy. He outlasted fresh and easy well that's true david bowie lasts longer than a bell pepper in a package what are those like candy packages they put their fruits and vegetables in i can't with fresh and easy i miss it bowie i miss okay anyway this is this is what happens when you drink tiago coffee before a podcast you start going on tangents about Tiago coffee itself. I love it.

I love it. I'm totally sober. And that's it. That's really all I have to say. This is also the product of a very boring Atlanta episode that I'd rather talk about the random lady at the coffee shop. Okay, well, we don't have to keep it that long. But this scene is amazing. Talking about awkward scenes with old ladies that you can't get away from your table.

Mama Joyce comes to visit Feifei. The office of mortuary lawyer, possible traffic cops, donkey booty making. And Presario. Dentist or whatever the hell she is today. So she has some extra sitting out front. And he's like, Miss Phaedra, Miss Joyce is here to see you. And he's like pulling at his suit. Like you can tell he's never worn a suit before.

Yeah. He's like, ugh. And Phaedra gives this look when he says, Mr. Joyce, that is fucking hysterical. I love Phaedra no matter what. Okay, no matter what, people! So she comes in and she's like, Oh, hello, hello. You know that fake smile Joyce gives

when she's about to murder you, but she's like, Oh, hello, hello. And Phaedra's like, She licks the cat, look. Yeah. Phaedra's like, I hope this goes okay

because last time we were here was not pleasant. And then it cuts to Mama Joyce, like, telling Phaedra off or whatever last time. So, um, anyway, they start talking. She says, what is your problem with candy? understanding which is normal in a friendship but we're okay now oh by the way the flashback was of mama joyce yelling at her for introducing her to todd introducing candy to todd and she said you don't do that you don't introduce two people with big heads yes two small people with big heads i could choke you right now that's the best clip ever i could choke you that's why i want to choke you to death but but the thing is that bravo teased this like encounter all week long it's like oh mama joy is gonna go say something to phaedra mama joy's gonna say it's like oh yeah you used to be close and phaedra's like well we're getting back there's like okay well let's do a baby shower i'm like this is it she did she did do the very silent serial

killer thing where she said i just want to make sure that you understand that candy is pregnant and any kind of stress in a high risk pregnancy could make her lose her baby. I would never want anyone to do anything to hurt her. And Phaedra's like, uh, uh, okay. And she goes, you know, Mama Bear, you know me. And Phaedra's like, uh, okay. One hand around her stiletto, like off camera. Mama Joy's amazing. stiletto like off camera mama joyce amazing she basically threatens to kill phaedra like literally murder her and phaedra's like okay she goes i wanted help with the baby showers

they come up with the baby shower theme or whatever yeah so then we go back to portia and lauren portia goes to visit lauren and like she brings her flowers from the supermarket and I love how Lauren's like you came here with like flowers from the supermarket and Portia's like yeah. She's like it's a thought that counts. She's like that's where flowers grow.

They got a farm there. It's a farm in the flower bed in the supermarket. Well where do you buy a flower bed in the supermarket. Where do you buy a flower bush? In the supermarket. Where do you buy flower for cookies? Supermarket. That's where you get flowers. So they hash it out.

And they're talking about how Lauren's pregnant and Portia. Things haven't worked out. And they have a real moment. But what was funny to me is during this whole thing you know porsche is just like stuffing her face with apples and caramel and then porsche is talking about the baby and she's like i'm not mad i'm glad don't worry about me i'll find some way to internalize it as she like scoops apples into her mouth i'm like oh honey you found a way already you just don't realize it she's like don't need the tray into

her mouth like i know i'll deal with it some way i don't know i'll internalize i don't realize it. She's like emptying the tray into her mouth. Like, you know, I'll deal with it some way. I don't know. I'll internalize it. I don't know how. Yeah, you don't need to figure out how to internalize it. You need to figure out how to digest it because you're about to get sick. And her sister's just watching her with a grossed out look as she downs this whole thing of apples, trying to convince her that she's not mad, that she's not pregnant first.

She's like, I'm not mad that I's not pregnant first she's like i'm not mad that i'm not pregnant i'm happy for you she goes really because you had surgery to get pregnant you went you married a gay guy to get pregnant you did all these things you took pills you had hormones you prayed to jesus every day you had a parade uh so the town had to dance so that you would get pregnant she's like oh yeah like she starts depressing her reminding all this shit that she's eating the apples this isn't just a sympathy pregnancy this is like a jealousy pregnancy it was so funny but also the sister's kind of a bitch okay uh portia portia was saying she heard that she was pregnant from me we're

supposed to be close and then she's asking her why did you have the pregnancy first of all she was probably like a second pregnant because she's still not poking out yeah and which Portia is very happy to note on camera she's like you're poking out today and she's like covers up her stomach

but the sister's kind of a bitch because she didn't tell Portia she waited not only to be on camera but to be waiting while porsche's getting dressed to be on the red carpet for the golden globes like that's a dick move i don't care who you are that is a dick move and if you are sensitive enough to know that your sister is going to be mortified and jealous why would you do it on her big day you're a bitch okay i agree with porsche you're a bitch yeah yeah so now for the reunion tour yeah back to back to the back to the main carpool of the episode which is the kenya kenya and her family on this like bus driving over to

her mom's neighborhood and we get to hear more about why her mom disowned her because basically kenya's grandfather her her mom's dad was like fucked up and he never spoke once to kenya's dad like never said a word and so therefore it was he had told the mom no more illegal babies according to the dad which is funny that's almost like illegitimate not illegal your mother's father said he don't want no more legal babies in the house and kenya's like you mean illegitimate and i'm like no probably illegal like your father is your grandfather is really donald trump that's why he hated you for no reason he's like no illegal babies and she's like, no illegal babies. And she's like, damn it. It always comes full circle. Yeah, so that, I mean, that's sad that Kenya's mom wouldn't speak to her. But basically, someone tweeted me an article from a long time ago, a long time ago, when Kenya won Miss USA.

And they were interviewing her. And Kenya was saying, yeah, my mom won't speak to me. And I don't even care. I wouldn't speak to her either. i don't even want to give her the time of day blah blah blah and uh they i guess interviewed her mother somehow and her mother said i know that kenya is portraying me a certain way but it doesn't matter because i know who i am yeah you're a woman who won't speak to your fucking baby for no reason you're a woman who is making the world side with kenya more shame on you yeah you stupid lady i mean for crying out loud she wouldn't portray you that way if you just talk

to her i mean she's allowed to be like annoyed and say those things because you're her mother and you won't even acknowledge her existence i mean that's what i mean don't you know that's like the the easiest way to fuck someone up is to have a kid and then just like deny like deny that they exist i mean it's your fault your fault lady be quiet go to shut up mountain she is actually she's already on shut up mountain because she won't talk the uh yeah it's like come to talk mountain yeah go to talk mountain not mountain take the gondola over to talk mountain i think there are a couple things that make it a little deeper though a kenya this woman has never spoken to you because in her mind and

i'm seeing it from this side because this happened in my family i have a cousin my mom and her sister got pregnant at the same time her sister wanted to put the baby up for adoption the family refused and she left him on our doorstep so my grandparents ended up raising him and he's my cousin, but he's kind of my brother. You know, we grew up together. We went to school together and got whooped by me ma together. We ordered porn to her house in the 80s. Holler. it because in a way the mom is like i wanted to put her up for adoption and the family wouldn't let me and so if i had put her up for adoption it wouldn't be my child it's laurie's child but at the same time why are you ignoring like you can't just pretend nothing ever happened and what even happened to the dad he's dead so come on well it's also like just get over it for crying out loud get mad at somebody else for being born when you were the one who got fucked to get her born in the first place. Like, who are you going to?

What are you mad at your vagina? Have you ignored your vagina for the past 40 years to get out of here? Stupid quiet lady. She's not asking to come live with you. And also, by the way, lady, she's successful. Like mooch off her for crying out loud. At the very least, where are your selfish impulses? Jesus, deadbeat dads know how to do it.

They wait. It's like be a Bieber dad. You know, wait until that little fucker strikes rich and then be like, I'm sorry. And then go shopping, girl. You've got to have a Mervyn's in Detroit. What the hell? Don't you dare give her Sheena voice. Guess what?

I'm your mom. I'm Sheena Marie. What if it was? She finally comes out of the house. And she's like, Hi! Welcome to the Seesaw! I have pictures of your father, Shay, on the wall.

I've made a canvas to print of your embryo, so when I feel bad, I can yell at it. Sorry. I've been using your hair products. Like, sorry. I've been using your hair products. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real.

I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks. Reconstruction. MLK. February Black History Month. Exactly. Exactly. Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly.

There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others.

Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death.

Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. So, also, the other point to this is that this has been going on for a long time. The mother has never changed her stance, so Kenya thinks that it's totally appropriate to show up on a tour bus

and defuse the woman on TV. Why not blow that woman's shit up? Why not? I don't know. It just doesn't seem right. And Auntori agrees with me we'll see next week i'm not saying it's not right yeah kenya does have a right it's just that kenya's boundaries are so off like she's so exploitive you know you know the white basis

lady here yeah her boundaries are off but you know it's like well why do you think her boundaries are off because she's fucked up because her mom won't recognize her existence. That's why. So, lady, it's your own monster you created. That's what happens. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You tend to blame your parents.

And I think that in this case, of course, the mom deserves all the blames she can get. She's no victim here. But, you know, I don't excuse monsters either. That's true. When serial killers were beat by their parents yes that was your parents fault for making you kind of horrible but you're still a serial killer and you know i don't think kenya's killed anybody but uh you know dignity but you know i still treat her like she does so anyway it's this uh horrible thing where everyone's like don't go in there ken, don't go in there, Kenya. Don't go. I know, it was like a horror movie. No, Kenya, no.

She goes up and she knocks on the door and she goes, it's Kenya and I'm alone and I just want to speak to you. You are not alone. You are mic'd and there's a camera crew and a tour bus behind you. Yeah, the microphone is the, yeah. She's like, I'm alone. I heard you lock the door. I was like, oh, girl. Yeah, i heard you lock the door i was like oh girl

yeah girl you need to girl if you're gonna go up to that door you need to get your full-on crazy like bring a knife go to each window go like michael myers on it and just you know like scare the bitch yeah drive the van through it it's just a rental don't you watch real housewives of orange county yeah that shit right through the front window. Yeah, exactly. Oh, but you're also a pack. She should have gone to the back door anyway first. Well, you know the police will be called.

And no matter who is really at fault, Kenya will go to jail because she's the craziest. And she'll argue with the police officer and stuff. No, here's the thing. If the police are called, Kenya will be like, you know, officer, I'm so glad you came because I was feeling very unsafe by this woman. This is a crazy woman, officer. I did not feel safe.

And you know, the moms can get put in jail. Kenya always wins with the police. Well, this was very saddish to watch, even though I suspect that Kenya is... I felt bad. I mean, I just suspect thatya's kenya but i felt bad too i felt bad because at the end of the day kenya's kenya and she's a crazy woman but you know she's still someone who like wants her mom and and she's you know basically doesn't have her

mom and she wants her mom and she's reaching out i mean it's it's terrible actually so you know putting all the reality show snark aside, I actually felt pretty bad. Yeah, because if her mom had completely ignored her after watching the show, I would get that. Like, I get being disowned after your parents see who you are on Bravo. But, like, she couldn't help it when she was just a little baby. It's like you can't disown someone because of a unibrow. Otherwise, no Lebanese child would have parents. I know. zone someone because of a unibrow otherwise no lebanese child would have parents i know

so they go to this family reunion and kenya of course has had everybody she's made shirts and they all say kenya kenya's family reunion ridiculous they're all like these pink and white shirts and she's the only one with like a fitting shirt to show off her paid for rack and stuff. Everybody else has these off brand like scratchy cotton. It's terrible. It's been a really long road to get to this family reunion. I'm like, yeah, that's because you've been driving around your mom's neighborhood all day. Literally a long road.

She called her grandma a sassy raccoon. I like that too yeah that was rude she's like hey grandma you look like a sassy raccoon that laugh she has and her grandma was like i could still squash you bitch i'm rabid i'm gonna bite you so not much happened at this uh aunt laurie left which was like a big thing and aunt laurie is pissed which we find out next week is because kenya is not supposed to be going to her mother's and the mother called out laurie immediately and was like tell her to go away yeah um so we'll talk about

that next but what a family too i think like wow what i mean and laurie has always, to me, appeared as a pretty bright woman, a woman of sensible, smart, upstanding, someone who's above the grade of a reality star. But you can see this sister has such a hold on their family because Kenya comes by. And I would think that Aunt Lori's position would be something like, well, sister, Pat, you know, yeah, she came by, but that's what you get for ignoring your daughter. Like, I know you don't want it, but she's gone. So whatever. You have to deal with your responsibility. But instead, Lori, it appears, Lori and the entire family circled the wagons around this woman, which I think, again, is just like fucked up. Well, Lori raised Kenya.

So Lori's the mom so kenya still calls her aunt lori and this and that but lori is kenya's mom i mean yeah and lori i think should have loyalty to kenya to be honest she does but at the same time she had enough loyalty to her sister to raise her child well maybe maybe they wanted to keep that child in the family so the sister's probably thinking of it like i could have had an abortion or i could have just given this kid up for adoption and it would have been easier but now my family insisted on keeping her and you said this was your child now why is she knocking at my door i mean i know it's horrible so like i'm not necessarily agreeing it i'm just trying to see it from all sides well maybe also maybe and this is reading so much into

it with very little information but maybe also lori gets threatened with the idea of kenya going to uh her her mom's place because if if lori sees kenya as her daughter and then all of a sudden kenya wants to go to her real mom that that might like threaten lori's position uh and or she might perceive it to be a threat to her position it might just hurt her damn feelings because she was a mother to Kenya. So Kenya still going on like she doesn't have a mother. When you're the adoptive parent who gave up your life to raise this kid, it's kind of offensive when they refuse to call you the mom.

It's kind of offensive, but it's not unreasonable. Exactly. Yeah. It's reasonable on both sides, but there's some ugly feelings. And I hope that Lori is like, listen, bitch, i'm your mom give it up that's it you've got a mother who loves you and it's me so stop stop this especially on camera when you know you're not supposed to go over there young lady so the only other stuff was uh phedra finally going over to see the video at Todd's at Todd's production company she's so shady about it

she's like I'll go visit little Todd cause I know he doesn't have anything else going on in his life right now you know I didn't really like the way the video looked but he doesn't have any jobs so I'll pay him his money so that way little Todd can get his baby size shoes

this is Todd's only job right now. Oh, God. And she's like, what's going on with those polka dots in the video? And the guy's like, well, it's not rendered yet. Which is hilarious because they're using Final Cut. So Final Cut auto renders your stuff. You don't, the new Final Cut. No, it's because, I think it's because the dots.

You know how dots will look like strange lines when it's not. Yes, it was a bad fashion choice. It was one of those weird, because it's not just polka dots. They like fade down to smaller dots. I don't know. I'm not going to suspect. Well, someone should have told her not to wear that on the shoot, Todd. Like anyone who knows anything about broadcasts.

But him saying it not rendered when they're in final cut 10 is a little weird because i i stand by it you do does your fine well you're on final cut seven it doesn't look like that but still like the way it looks sometimes the way it looks like the fine like versus like the final output is still it's like not rendered at top quality oh okay because final cut 10 auto renders it's not like seven that you have to render. No, mine auto renders too. Oh, it does? I'm switching back to 7. But it's just not at tip-top quality. You'll still see things like that. You'll see the dots. And LOL at arguing about Final Cut this much. That's so stupid.

But she is basically coming up with these nitpicky things when she's already seen this video. So that's hilarious. So I did laugh when she was saying, you know, right after this, I had my baby. And they, you know, are you excited to have your baby? And he's like, well, I don't want to have to look at the vagina. And she's like, well, don't worry, because they numb you from the breast down. Like, well, don't worry because they numb you from the breast down. So I could feel them sawing me and tugging me and ripping my vagina or whatever she was saying.

Like totally horrifying him on purpose. And then she goes, but I'm a mortician, so I do it too. I was like, Jesus Christ, are you actually going into work and cutting up all these bodies? Please tell me she's not. I know, I know. That can't be a hobby job bodies please tell me she's not yeah i know i know that can't be a hobby job please tell me you hire somebody else okay so anyway that's basically it um it was and then next week nini is back and and even weirder that nini is back she like comes knocking on cynthia's door and they're hugging go figure. I'm not sure what this is about because I thought Nini was just there for a trip,

but they haven't announced a trip. So who knows? Oh, who knows? But hopefully Nini can inject some life into this kind of boring season. It was interesting. The season was going along nicely and then it kind of like hit a rut

after they went to Miami and now like nothing is happening. I wish they were following around the new people like stop following cynthia no one cares stop following tootie she does nothing follow tammy i want to see tammy i like who else is new samia follow samia i want to see what these people are doing like don't just drop these people in and then completely erase them because i don't know i like i like that i like when they follow kim fields just because she doesn't do anything you know and she does like such stupid stuff it's like oh got some peanut butter and jelly you know yeah next week she storms out of a million man march because it's not child friendly

i mean come on jesus it's hilarious to me her mommy and me shit um so shall we have a palate cleanser with top chef let's do it so what's funny to me is uh on the on the very first episode of the season we talked about our experiences with these chefs right because we were at the season premiere like uh challenge and we said the one the one chef who gave us the most attitude was giselle so it cracked me up this episode when she was in the car and she was like asking the fat chef well one of the fat chefs something and he's being totally condescending to her and she's like it she's like it's so weird because like i just i'm having trouble making friends here I'm like yep called it called it and she literally said I'm the nicest person here we're like

I'm having trouble she just wears her emotions on her face and her emotions are that of a bipolar neurotic crazy bitch so she can't help it she's not a liar and she's not like a vindictive

mean person she's just cray cray and she can't hide it and yeah i actually ended up kind of liking her because of that i know i did kind of feel a little bad for her um because when we when we met her i did not see her as someone who was like a scatterbrained mess which is how she was portrayed i just saw her as someone who was kind of like mean yeah i saw her just as a bitch i thought she was bitchy i thought she seemed pretty self-possessed but then when we started talking about her everything that she was getting bitchy about were things that she felt like she was being questioned like yeah what about someone from this restaurant or do you know so and so and she started getting defensive and it actually made me like her a little bit on the show.

But, man, I don't blame anybody for not wanting to work with her. What a mess. Yeah. This episode, they're in Palm Springs. And Art Smith, Oprah's chef and former Top Chef, he is back. And as is his weight. I'm sad to say it because when he was on Top Chef Masters, he made this whole to-do about, well, I lost 60 pounds. I lost 60 pounds.

I lost 30 pounds, however much it was. And poor guy, it's back. Well, I don't know. He's old and married. Who cares? It's like you're already successful. You're rich. What's the point of being thin anyway to get a husband and to make some money?

You already did it. Who cares? I thought he was going to be – I just – I thought he was on the path. I felt bad. But the thing is that Art Smith kind of annoys me sometimes. I feel like he's always like – when he was on Top Chef Masters, he really annoyed me. He just was – he was always just bragging about shit nonstop. I mean, I know.

I'm one to talk, right? But he's the one who – he was always talking about Michelle Obama andama and oprah and like oh it drove me nuts i know it's like you're going from michelle obama the healthiest woman of the world to oprah like there's some neurotic cooking right there because you know oprah is like how did you not know how to make a cake because he didn't he lose on the wedding cake challenge or something cake wreck a huge cake wreck so this episode was all about gay marriage and they basically got every queen in palm springs and was like you want to get married again on tv and they're like all right because no queen who's waited this long to get married

is going to do a group wedding okay i know people like to think that gay just like group everything but when it comes to wedding i want my own damn cake i'm sharing some fucking cake out of a box from art and a group thing outside in palm springs get the hell out exactly by the way you remember julia my australian friend of course of course she just got married in october at the same location as the group gay wedding i just went to a palm lesbian palm spring wedding crop top wedding dress this summer and all locations look the same in Palm Spring. Yeah, it's true. Desert, and then some rock garden, and then a couple cacti. Actually, even before the gay wedding thing, there was a quick fire, and the quick fire was that they had to use dates and make something that reminded them of a date,

like going on a date. I decided that the new chef that I really don't like is the guy with the beard because everyone was like, I remember my first date. I went and did this. My idea of a date is it gets spicy. And then with him, he's like, yeah, my idea of a date is

hanging out with my daughter. I'm like, like oh shut up congratulations you're dating your daughter now on national tv don't that's a cop-out that's a cop-out you don't want to talk about your date you're supposed to talk about your date you're on reality tv get out well he can't just say i masturbate on a beanbag chair and then go to bed yeah and then and then he had the nerve to only put the dates in his phone glad he's at the bottom. What did he say? He's like, the foam reminds me of my

daughters. What the hell? It's a fucking spit. Foam looks like spit. It looks like a big wad of spit. Gross. That's gross on so many levels. I feel like I'm in a really bitchy state this podcast. I'm like going after

everything. Well, we're supposed to. We haven't even mentioned Chrissy Teigen. Hi, guys. How's Chrissy Teigen a supermodel? She looks like one of those fucking liquor girls who get tired to like pass out liquor shots at a thing. I'm not saying she's ugly. She's not ugly. But a supermodel should not have that much work done when they're that young.

How old is she? She's not an old supermodel. She's that much work done when they're that young. How old is she? She's not an old supermodel. She's like 25. She's from MySpace. That girl is all, her face don't move and everything looks plastic. Not saying it's ugly. It's pretty plastic. That should not be a supermodel.

You need to have GG looks. So Chris Teigen, if you want to come on the podcast, welcome. Get out of here. Who cares? I'll be a bitch then like I'm a bitch now, all right? I ain't a fake bitch. Yeah. No, I don't – you know, people love Chrissy Teigen.

Sometimes she – you know, sometimes she does things where I am like very amused. She sort of like says it like it is. But sometimes I also feel like she's keenly aware of her like her cool girl thing and it kind of annoys me but i like her okay in real life the thing is i don't know her in real life at all the only place i've seen her is now i've seen her here and that didn't do much for me and then i saw her on that lip sync show pretending to spin records and making muppets laughing faces which i just can't and then when i found out john legend was married to her. Oh, my God.

John Legend is amazing. When I think of him singing that beautiful piano song that is to her. Come on now. I've actually heard she's really cool in real life. I've heard like really great things about her. She seems real nice. My hate is only two things based, and it was this and that. That's really all I have.

Two things based hate. Well, believe it or not, I actually trust that she knows food. Isn't that weird? I think it's because of the bias I have because every food blogger I know is Asian. So I'm like, oh, well, she'll know food too. But they tasted everything yeah Chrissy Deacon was just like she's doing her thing and then she got very serious when it came to criticizing food and I love when they get actors or especially models on here even though Padma's Padma I'm doing

it Tom Colicchio style what do you think Padma? When they get an actor or a model and then they turn into foodies all of a sudden. And she's like, well, I really like the balance of the day. Yeah. It's like when Rob Gronkowski was on there. He's like,

Oh yeah. It tastes good. I like it. Great. Rob Gronkowski weighs in on his favorite, like Buffalo meat. No meal is complete without the taste of your French manicure down your throat when it's done. Ah, dessert.

So then, yeah, so they have, like, this challenge where they're going to make this wedding food. But wait, LOL at a guy making a date milkshake. Oh, yeah. I mean, come on now. We're on Top Chef. That guy, he's terrible. You could have stayed there with some fucking Haagen-Dazs. Get out of here.

That guy, like every challenge, he always does something like very average. I'm surprised he's still there. And, you know, the guy who won that challenge is the guy who served the poached chicken on the first challenge. And that was like the poached chicken with radicchio that we really disliked during uh when when we when we tried it it was like i mean it was cooked perfectly but it was such a bland you can't even are you talking about the hot bear oh my god no i'm talking no i'm talking about i'm talking about the um the serious gay you know the serious gay on top oh yes The guy who took PR pictures with like yellow pants. I can't with that. Yeah, he is the one.

Remember when we went to the thing, he served poached chicken with radicchio. And it was by far the blandest thing there all day. And they actually liked it. The judges liked it. But we were like, this is the worst. We gave him really low marks. Well, I really love that there's a gay who's calling shit out without being a total queen and he's kind of like a straight guy because gay guys don't wear yellow pants like well he's got that when we got equal rights he's like he's like transported out of like 1964 he has like a haircut

like he lived from the atomic age and he's like very serious and not fun and his whole thing is like i'm in a pool with straight people and and I am very uncomfortable in this situation. That's like his arc. I love it. I am actually semi-enjoying myself, and I realized it's not the straight people. It's just that I don't like being in water. I really, I'm starting to like him. I didn't like him first. I actually like him too.

But I'm really starting to like him because he seems good, and I love that he's calling people out. Because this show is a bit much for me these days. It's too much. I just want to see just stay in one place and cook shit. That's all I need. I don't like that they just show you a picture of the food, and the rest is about their drama. Like, chefs don't even have enough hours in the day to have drama, okay? Anything you're going to get is manufactured.

Yeah, and I'm also glad that he – well, as I got into the challenge, he was paired up with Angelina and she's like this little chihuahua. Twenty four year old is always like trying to prove herself. You know, like like I could cook and he's like, you know, at this point in the season, even though I did not like his dish that he served to us in that first challenge, actually trust that he's a very good chef like i all the stuff he's made has looked really good and has has like been more or less the judges have liked it and so when he's like okay well i have this very specific dish i want to make and angelina can come along if she wants to and she's like questioning him like over and over and over again and you can see him just losing his mind and And I'm glad that he finally was just snapping at her because she needs to calm down.

She needs to take a seat. Well, I don't like when any guy, gay or straight, is like, okay, calm down, baby, or whatever. I don't like that. But for the most part, I like it, especially with Angelina because I'm rooting for her because that's the only job in the world where you're criticized for being too young.

Every other job in this town, they're like, oh, my God, she came out of the womb. Get her an agent. Oh, God, Botox that baby. But here they're like, oh, you're so young. Gross. So I'm rooting for her. But she's terrible. She's always in the top.

I was rooting for her originally. When we met her, actually, I remember she was young. And I liked what she made, even though it didn't really get good grades i liked it and i was like good i like the i always root for the youngins but she's now starting to grade on me she's obnoxious and she says really stupid things she's like i may look like a chihuahua but then when i get mad like i'm like a chihuahua that talks like a pit bull. She said something. She said that. I knew what she was trying to say,

but it didn't make any sense the way she said it. I was like, oh, she's Bueller. Yeah. I was like, basically, you're dissing my dog because Bueller is a chihuahua pit bull bitch. And he can probably cook. His taste buds are better than yours. If I give him a french fry, he'll take it.

If I give him dry dog food, he doesn't take it. It's called a palate. Don't compare yourself to Bueller. It's called a palate, okay? Don't compare yourself to Bueller. It's called a palate, bitch. He knows how to make a corn hash. That's right. He could barf up a... Bueller has literally barfed up a corn hash.

Yeah. Better than the one you made on this show. Meanwhile, so Philip, you know, Philip is this season's, like, you know, noteworthy character, and he, like,y character and he's supposed to make mashed potatoes and instead he puts them in a blender, which is what you're not supposed to do with mashed potatoes because they get gummy.

And then he puts them through a foaming thing or whatever, an aerator. I don't know what it was. But it was like this gummy soup. And Kwame saved the day. I'm so glad that Kwame's doing well, by the way. I thought he was going to do badly because he wasn't in a lot of the preview for the season and he looked so nervous when we met him remember how nervous he was i was like oh god this poor guy's gonna flame

out and i liked his food so much that first day and the judges didn't like his food that first day remember so yeah we thought he was gonna win that first challenge and he didn't even come close they were like rats yeah they were, Kwame could use some work. But since then, he's been killing it. So I'm like so happy for Kwame. I like Kwame because he's a reality star with zero personality. And he's still doing well. And I like that.

It's like overcoming all the odds. He was not hired for his personality. Like, so Kwame, what was your most amazing day ever? And he's like, well, one time time i made chicken and it was good like okay well you still win even though we're never gonna put you in one scene of the show thank you thank you for coming on yeah but no everyone seems to like kwame so i'm happy so this uh this gay wedding was oh sorry my mic's trying to get away from me so sorry is it my breath mike i brushed my teeth earlier um kwame uh we talked about him okay padma being the preacher of the gay wedding is the best thing ever she's wearing a crop top

preacher top and she's like hello welcome to the homosexual marriage do you vow that in richness or and i can't say this i don't believe in richness or do you believe as long as your husband stays i just like padma like drolly reading everything really slowly because you know her ass is getting high i feel like it's the gay dream to get married by padma i know that madonna married a bunch of couples at the grammys that's fine but i think padma is the real dream ladies i now pronounce you lady wife and lady wife gentlemen i now pronounce you gentlemen and gentle husbands it's like oh my god please have padma read every book on tape because that shit will put the entire world to sleep i love padma so much i really this week on kiss the girls yeah yeah sorry i got quiet i was pulling in a gigantic entire city london full of fog

from my douche crutch yes i love this vape i got the biggest douche crutch ever vape and now i'm i'm blowing out london every time but i'm probably gonna die by next year so ultimately um almost everyone killed it with this challenge and they and they all like the the judges were just loving all the food um but but there were the the two missed two major missteps were basically philip made his crappy mashed potatoes which were more like a sauce with no flavor and then uh giselle and um the boston lesbian whose name i can't remember but i i'm a big fan of hers they were in the bottom from like a bat for bad asparagus and um and so the drama the drama in this episode was that then phil, backpedaled and said like, yeah, the pills were supposed to be like that.

They're supposed to be like a sauce. And that's when, that's when the, um, the stiff gay was like, it was like, no, that's not what you said at all.

And he said it from the sidelines. He just like chimed in, which is, you know, the producers have been waiting for this. This is, you know, last season,

the producers are putting the contestants on the side there during the deliberations. Um, and to like, to, to no effect. And finally someone spoke up. So, you know, last season, the producers are putting the contestants on the side there during the deliberations and to like to no effect. And finally, someone spoke up. So, you know, the producers were like, who did it first? Was it Giselle or gay guy? Because one of them called out first. I think it was Giselle. And then the gay guy dogfiled on.

And Giselle was just trying to save her own ass. But it was so funny. He's like, dude, that's not what you said's like dude that's not what you said no that's not what you said you were gonna make and then the fame whore philip is like yeah like what i was intending to do like because my art is all about like a sauce on a potato and so like that's my art and that's like what i do because of art so like if you don't understand it then like you don't understand like artistic potatoes so like. So, like, whatever. Yeah, Giselle basically said, well, listen, we messed up. And at least we acknowledge that we messed up and are open.

And we know to go, like, we can improve upon it. Whereas Philip doesn't even acknowledge he did anything wrong. So how can you deal with that? And then Padma has to explain very slowly. You're crazy and boring. Philip's crazy and endlessly entertaining bye it's kind of like here's the problem you're unlikable please pack your knives and go please pack your knives and your anti-psychotic meds

and go yeah and gail i like that gail was anti-Giselle. Because Gail goes, look, I get that Philip's disgusting and he's a cornhole. But Giselle did nothing. And also that Gail can show up at a wedding in lace and still be wearing a terrible pattern is amazing. I mean, that is some consistency. Even if it's just lace and her own skin. Gail will never disappoint in a bad pattern love you gail be nice to gail she's my dinner companion i love gail she would be my best friend i would keep telling her please don't buy that and she'd be like i'm independent and i'd be like

all right i'd be like here's my crazy pattern friend the one i told you about and we would be like patting her on the head like we've heard heard so much about you. We kind of failed because we could have totally talked to Gail and we never even tried during that challenge. Actually, the second time. I already talked to Gail years ago, like 12 years ago. Wait, 10 years ago. I was working at a Moroccan restaurant called Chamot and she came in with food and wine. And I got to talk to her. She was so nice.

I think it was right before Top Chef started. She was really skinny and young, and she was on her phone taking pictures and stuff like that the whole time, and then she brought a photographer, and she was really nice. And I thought, how does this girl stay so small eating all this food all day? And it's because she eats one bite of everything and says yum a lot and then talks about it for 20 minutes and then eats one bite of another thing. She's like perfect to be a judge on this show.

Yeah. Love Gail. So Giselle went home and I'm a good person and no one supported me. I'm the nicest person here. Bye, bitch. Bye. Next week, someone steals a lobster. Yeah.

Lobster gate. Lobster gate in San Diego. Lobster thievery. Lobster. Next week, someone steals a lobster. Yeah. Lobster gate. Lobster gate in San Diego. Lobster thievery. Lobster. Next week, on the Real Housewives of Top Shisha. I'm looking forward to it. Okay, let's move on to Vanderpump Rules. Yay!

Yay! This is literally called the Rose Path. Literally, it's the Rose... Literally, like, who does that? Who puts roses on a path? Bubba, isn't this nice? We're having a picnic on the Rose Path. I brought a choice of stuff.

Should I have the bean salad? Oh, I don't know. Should I have some toast? Oh, God, I don't know. I can't decide. I just got engaged. Everybody on the rose path. Someone said yes to a man in capris.

I wrote down my first note. I said, Kitty and Tom picnicking. Already boring. These two are so boring. They are so boring. But I love their picnicking in some public park somewhere. I think it's Griffith Park. But they're in some park. And he yelling in capri it's not even kidding that he's like i just got

engaged everybody and then they cut to who's paying attention and it's two gay guys coming out of the bushes yeah oh god only this show would have the guys who just got blow jobs in a bush as the only audience for this boring ass couple well i liked that very soon into their conversation uh katie is like i got a text from stassi and stassi says like i really i wish i could be there for that like i really miss you and i wish you all the best and all the love i was like oh it was like i heard like a rumble of thunder somewhere you know it's like lord of the rings like the The ring has emerged from the depths of that river and has been found. And now the Eye of Sauron has been opened.

And it's like, uh-oh, bad shit has happened. You can feel the forces of evil starting to come back to life and circle around. I was like, the first signs that Stassi is coming back. And sure enough, Katie starts talking about stassi and she's like i don't want anything to do with her i was like oh right that's you saying that is like saying beetlejuice three times like you've actually just summoned her by saying that all stassi has to say is you don't look like you've gained any weight the end we're best friends again she'll be like that bitch all up and down yeah yeah i was like this is fam this is fantastic and fascinating but i almost let the taquitos burn last night while i was naked on the couch yeah yeah run girl so then we go over to sir

and uh christina and faith are looking at this this little this at this little cute little ring. Christina is barely containing her jealousy. Yeah, she's like, wow, look at the ring that you got. I cannot wait to talk about this on the podcast. Because she's like the Andy Richter for Stassi on the podcast. Yeah, we should listen in on the podcast. Yeah. Oh, we should. As we parted on this show. We should listen in on their latest episode again. I'll get that queued up in the meantime while you discuss.

Did you see the ring? Yeah. I'm so happy for her. Yeah. Me too. The ring was like so pretty. Yeah. I know.

Like, I love the ring. Did you see it? Yeah. It was beautiful. Did you see the ring? Yeah. It was so pretty. Like, if you were an alien, would you rather have Katie's ring or a candy ring? Oh, my gosh, that's hard.

Aliens work really hard. I know, right? They're like the working class of America. I know. Hey, did you see Katie's ring? Yeah, did you? Who does that? Who gets a ring? Like, seriously? Like, just a

ring and no bracelet too? Like, who does that? Like, only aliens do that. I can't believe he proposed to her, like, three months away from my birthday. Alright, let's listen on the latest episode. This is, this episode of Straight Up With Stassi. It's called holiday vacay and bachelor recap with co it cuts off with comedian annabelle de sisto oh there's no oh there's no christina what the hell well we can just go to a different

christina episode okay christina kelly calls stassi. The description says Christina Kelly calls Stassi out for her app obsession. Okay, let's hear what this is. Her app obsession. Oh, my God. We're going into a random moment with it. And because it literally was chic as fuck. And he walked out like, this is the best. Like, this is such a good outfit.

And he's like, is that what you're wearing? I'm like, yeah. Isn't it the best? It's also the worst. It's the worst thing when you walk out, it's like, that's what you're wearing.

And you're like, Christina, all you do is say, that's what you're wearing. If he goes, it's just, it's, you know,

I love Stassi. I love that you dress girl hot. Like, I love that you like, like dress for girls. Yeah. You worked that you, like, dress for girls. Yeah, you worked that guest job today. I'm like, what? I love all those statements you make.

I'm not going to your friend's bachelor party. Like, what do you mean? So I had to put on a mini dress and thigh-high boots. Literally. Literally? And I feel like that's the only time I was told. It was, like's like one of his bosses came in like that i i couldn't dress like a is this saucy or christina talking i can't tell

it's really interesting because i dress for girls like i dress for girls like basically we dress for each other and we don't dress for men yeah that's why you ain't getting any dick you know like i could impress you so much more with my with my clothes if I didn't have boobs. Like, I could rock your world. Wow. Make them back. I'm sure you still have the receipt somewhere. I know.

Like, you have, that's a talent that you can do that. My mom keeps looking up plastic surgeons to get me a breast lift slash reduction. She has, like, a list of 10 so she's like coming here tomorrow to to show me the list of 10 doctors that she thinks but the joke's on her because i can't read this is happening so you're you when do you think you're gonna do that talk about like she's gone to burger king is drink mid drinking wine you can't even answer my question. Well, I don't know.

The hard-hitting questions of Christina Kelly. I'm going to go to the doctors and figure it out. Yeah, I know this is happening. No, I mean, obviously I know it's something you wanted. Listen, I don't want to be flat-chested. Stassi, you're so great. I love that you're getting a breast lift. Flat-chested because I feel like God,

that sounds like I'm religious and I'm not, but I feel like there was a reason I was given big boobs and I don't want to throw it in whoever made that happen to me. I don't want to throw it in my face. So I will still have larger boobs, but I would prefer them to not be down to my navel. I don't want to offend God by that. I can't wait for Christina's reaction.

I'd like them to look a little more. Like, there are girls that have size B boobs. Christina, this is when you're supposed to be saying, Stassi, your boobs look great. I don't know what you're talking about. And fuller. Yeah. You know? Like, that's what I want. I'd like them to just be, like, a little bit smaller and lifted.

Ultimately. I'm going to skip to a different part of the podcast. If I could say a little smaller and lifted, I would have chosen to have no boobs and a really cute butt. You can't talk about the fact that you wish you would have. You think your fashion choices would get more play if she didn't have boobs. And then talk about how she wants to augment her boobs. Oh, I would kill you. Literally, kill you.

No, you look perfect. Because I'm like, I feel like I'm being... The same way last week when I talked about how I felt like I was being punked with my TV. Christina, the day you get tits is the day that Stassi dumps you. Yes. Hashtag sucks. Just FYI. Again, I felt like I was being punked in this Uber car.

It was like Jay Leno dressed as Uber driver. And they were like he feels got you because he kept going on and on about the fact that the government is trying to kill us because they need to control the population and then my response was well you know what I'm not mad at it because I've been sitting in traffic for like 40 minutes and I could do with a lot less of that. I've literally had five abortions. Literally, like genocide is good for traffic. Just unfortunately,

or fortunately, I mean, that's just how it is. But, um, she will try not to leave you guys in the dark too much. I know, I'm gonna do my best to be able to say what I can say. I just obviously, like, I obviously can't, I can't piss off any boss. It's hard because obviously on a show too, when you're filming, you can't.

Stassi's just talking, basically. People don't understand. They don't even know what they're saying. So that's like two days in a row. So basically you can fool two people. Right? Playdates.com slash Stassi. Fool people into thinking you're talented.

She's never one to hold back on any all right all right oh my god i really wish that she had said i just want breasts that are smaller and more lived in because more lived in is like the best way to describe your boobs ever like i love that rack man it was totally lived in you know like those boobs don't look like they're just learning how to walk. They've been lived in. Like, give me an old lumpy couch over some sleek modern bullshit any day. Well, I just like the idea of talking about breasts in, like, denim-like descriptions, you know? Like, it's the boyfriend breasts. Well, I'm glad to know i'm not the only

one with a mother who wants them to get a breast lift no that was kind of a hug well uh it's good to see that that stassi has a lot on her mind and that christina is there to support her at all at all at all junctures can we call this episode literally chic as fuck. Literally chic as fuck. Like, I think I'd get, like, a lot more attention for my fashion choices if it weren't for my breasts. Oh my god. Okay, so where are we? It's literally a roast. No, so Jax

Jax is gonna be doing a birthday lunch. He's doing a luncheon at an Asian-infused restaurant. That's what he called it, an Asian-infused restaurant. It's like a restaurant that at an asian infused restaurant that's what he called an asian infused restaurant it's like a restaurant that has asians infused into it yeah you know i like like asian infused stuff yeah wow you know i like fortune cookies uh i guess that's more like a paper infused asian thing uh i don't know so uh ariana at this point ariana and sheena start to fight because because uh ariana learns that kristin is going to be at jack's lunch and she was like are you gonna be okay with that

ariana and she's like ariana's like huh i'm obviously not going and like seriously i mean obviously i'm being sarcastic are you being sarcastic i mean obviously i'm not being sarcastic obviously you're not a true friend what it's all obviously like got the wrong tattoo i don't understand what you're saying she knew it was like a cartoon robot like short circuit and she's like like, she was like that little, that little robot in WALL-E that like got confused when it went outside the lines. So Ariana is now trying to pretend like she's cool again.

And she's saying, yeah, stop trying to make problems where there's no problems. Like, obviously i'm gonna go to lunch and then it cuts to her being like they're trying to put words in my mouth and it's making me look like a bitch like these people aren't real friends because they're like trying to make something where it wasn't uh you just said you wouldn't be anywhere that kristin was ever again and then you screamed and yelled and then Tom's veins almost popped out of his Botox infused forehead, bitch. What are you talking about?

Yeah. And so then Sheena goes, it's like fighting with a brick wall. Even with those implants, it's like a lumpy brick wall. Poor Sheena. Can't talk. The brick wall, I think, would still win the argument. Sheena. The brick wall would win a, would still win the argument. With Sheena. The brick wall would win a game of Jeopardy against Sheena.

In the case of Sheena versus the back wall at the improv, Sheena loses. And Ariana's off to the side laughing at everything she says. She's like, court is in session. I said it. I said it. Laughing at her own jokes at the improv oh poor thing so they go to the smoking alley which is my favorite set piece of all bravo shows yes it's like some lowe's chairs in front of way too many motorcycles yeah like everyone in the kitchen wants to be dead at some point and i'm'm someone who rides a scooter. And it's true. There's, like, something suicidal about it. But how many are there?

It's like, how many busboys on motorcycle are there? Yeah, a lot. A lot. So Sheena and Katie start bitching about Ariana. And I love that they keep sort of, like, they don't want to say she's, like, saucy. But they want to say she's, like, saucy. Like, well, I don't want to say she's saucyassi, but they want to say she's like Stassi. Like, well, I don't want to say she's Stassi, but she's, like, acting like Stassi. Which, again, is like the clouds are circling.

I mean, Zool is about to appear at the top of Sir, okay? Oh, so good. Hopefully it'll be played by a man. Yeah. So this, Katie does say it, though, multiple times. She's like, I don't know this just reminds me Of like Stassi Because remember like Stassi

When Stassi like when Stassi Did this because she's Stassi It's like shut up stop saying Stassi We get it okay Jesus Christ How much foreshadowing do we need I know well the thing is that it's a totally Different situation because in that case Stassi, Stassi

was angry at Kristen because Kristen slept with her boyfriend at the time. So Stassi hated Kristen and she got mad at anyone who was friends with Kristen to the point where she was unreasonable. She was like, I can't believe you hung out with Kristen. Like, I can't believe it. And she just

like, you know, she made it really, it's me or them and she was out of control. But I feel like, you know, she made it really. It's me or them. And she was out of control. But I feel like with Kristen and Ariana, Kristen actively went out of her way to hurt Ariana, to like to sully Ariana, called her names, was really nasty to Ariana. Ariana fucked her boyfriend. Yeah. But I'm just saying at least in terms of like what we actively know you know court of law darling so uh you know i think that it's like it's more reasonable for ariana to be like well um i don't want it's like i feel uncomfortable having kristin being at my

boyfriend's birthday party i think it's like a reasonable request and they're like you're making you're like being saucy you You're putting me in a situation. There's no situation. She's not invited. I think you're right. She's got, I mean, obviously, Kristen's not even in the cast. She's not even at the restaurant. This show's about people at a restaurant.

She's making men's. She's mending fences. And then she does her like shoulder thing. What's that move? Do we ever actually officially label her move where she does that thing where she bends her cheek to her to her shoulder she goes she does like the half shrug sorry i'm just trying to help her like deal with it i'm here yeah she has that weird twitch thing where she's like half shrug and half like uh temple beating against her shoulder yeah it's like she's like sorry seriously so they're gonna have a well i think what they mean by the way is just that it's like stassi in the way that they're trying to ice her out of shooting i think that they mean even that's

probably that's probably what it is yes stassi got in trouble because she was trying to control who's in shooting and that's when they all get in trouble on these shows it's like you can be a bitch all you want but you can't write the schedule for the day like you're not the boss of anything so when they start bossing around production they're like bye now yeah exactly but who knows so next is um do we let's see well let's talk to rick and before hawaii so i love that sheena just blabs everything out in public, and she's always saying, we need to have another discussion so there's no stress. And then the discussion is always yelling and screaming.

She would make a great middle manager. She should work in corporate America. Like, I think we should have another meeting. I might have a meeting to discuss yesterday's meeting. I was really unhappy about this PowerPoint situation. Like, why? Who uses that font?

Seriously? I don't think that pointing is powerful. It's just like pointing. So, like, what do you guys think of alternate titles? I'd like to have a meeting about Excel. Like, I don't understand because spreadsheets don't make me Excel. Like, they don't make me go faster. So why is it called excel?

I don't want to use excel anymore because Shay's on a diet. Like, we're trying to get to just L. So for now, let's just call it L sheets. Listen, he can't be eating egg salads. So let's not use excel, okay, for our spreadsheets. All right, someone start planning a future M, okay? Hey, can we have a future M. Okay? Hey, uh, can we have a meeting to discuss Outlook?

Like, I want, like, Inlook. I want people to look in. Why are we looking out? So stupid. You know, like, we're waiters, and if you're always looking out, it's like, the customer can tell if you don't want to be at work. Like, here's my thing.

Like, why is it that whenever I say look out, everyone's like, no, use Outlook. And I'm like, well, I'm trying to help people here. What kind of team is this? It's called Outlook, and I've been walking around with lipstick on my teeth for half an hour. Thanks for outlooking out for me. I'd like to call a meeting to discuss FileMaker. We've been using FileMaker

for three months, and I've yet to actually make a new file. You guys, I want to talk about Word. It's hard! I have a question. How come if it's called Word, people keep writing things with, like, words?

Is it supposed to be one word per file? I don't get it. Oh, God bless you. Tina for president! So I'm looking, old lady was dismissive of her friends. So basically what happened, then Lisa comes in. She finds Jax, Tom, and Ariana

and again, it's more fortunate. She's like, Alright everyone, I hear rumors through the countryside. The hobbits have been telling me Stassi's been back. She's been questioning people, asking for free drinks. She does not get a free drink. You see her, you send her to me. She's only coming back if she comes through me,

alright? I don't want her to finagle her way back into this circle. She goes through Vanderpump. She called me an old lady and she was dismissive. I will not be treated like this again. It's like the revenge on Brandy forever

mole. Yeah. And obviously it's Lisa Vanderanderpump so what does it come back to all i want is for stassi to acknowledge that i've done a lot for her i did a lot she knows what i did it's like good lord you hit a sex tape like she'd like hit a sex tape link or something for stassi at the finale and now she's acting like she just rescued her from human trafficking yeah well jokes on lisa because stassi's already at the bottom sex tape would have helped her i'd give a drink to a homeless person before i gave a drink to stassi jacks you have given so many drinks to homeless people you know you have

that's a jacks lie right there he's like yeah it's still doer yeah yeah exactly uh so max and james max is in the scene which is crazy i know max got a lot of air time this week yeah so they talk about whatever they go to the smoker's alley yes look love the vibe in there hon he's like he's like music's great a lot of people that love the vibe in there take a good look at that vibe, honey, because last time you'll see a look at it. I wanted to come outside and smoke a cigarette, but the iTunes wouldn't let me go,

so I said, listen here, iTunes. You don't control me, eh, mate? All right then, honey. Good luck with your sugar tits, lady love. It's like George Michael of Wham is in there right now. The vibe is so good. Isn't it good, honey? Take a good look, sweet.

So Max is saying, the reason they don't want you to go is because, you know, you'll go drink and you'll go apeshit, you know? Well, actually, I'm sorry to interrupt, but my favorite thing was that Max actually said, he's like, well, you know, the reason why you haven't been invited to Hawaii is because, you know, because with Kristen not going and they think that if you go, it's going to be this.

Also, you go apeshit when you drink. It's like, oh, OK, there it is. He's so nice. He's like his dad at the end of the day. He's a little Ken. Every time I see him, even though he's not Ken's biological son, I see Ken every single time. Yeah. I told him you kind of quit. Oh, yeah. He's like, I'll quit. I see Ken every single time. Yeah. I told him you kind of quit.

Oh, yeah. He's like, I'll quit. I haven't been drinking. Or I would have had a couple beers. But, you know, it's nothing. It's like I'm not mixing my meth with alcohol anymore. You can trust me. That reminded me of when I was a kid and my parents wanted to send me to sleepaway camp.

And I was, like, afraid to go to sleepaway camp. And I thought if I acted like I was a better son, I wouldn't to go sleepaway camp and I thought if I acted as a better son I wouldn't go sleepaway camp so when my parents said that they wanted to send me to sleepaway camp I immediately went and like washed the dishes I was like there now I'm a good boy I won't be sent away oh poor guy

that's why you get touched whenever we talk about southern charm Thomas Thomas sleepaway camp was the best thing I loved sleepaway camp whenever we talk about Southern Charm. Thomas! Thomas! Sleepaway Camp was the best thing. I loved Sleepaway Camp. It was great. I highly endorse it. But anyway, James, though,

he was trying to get his way into this Hawaii trip. He's like, I'll have a pineapple fucking pina colada in my hand in no time. Just relax. You can get one at the bar. Yeah yeah you're the most obnoxious person on this show you'll be on the trip okay it'll work out yeah so kristen goes to katie's house wait wait did i skip what i said um i thought that this is when james goes to gravel

to jack's or maybe i skipped oh no no you're right i just had james written down again so i scrolled oh james no so so then what happens is James is like, here's what I'll do. I'm just going to nod a few times. I'm going to get myself an invite because Jack's such a stupid idiot. I'm like, you know, you're not wrong. Jack is dumb. But you're making me take Jack's aside. Stop that, James.

Well, thankfully, there's Jack's to change your mind two seconds after it was changed. I know. He's so fucking stupid it's so funny to watch james just work jacks and jacks is he only thinks of one thing pussy that's the only thing ever when people say is that guy gay no all he's all he can think about is pussy say it's so funny he's like yeah bro but you know, like the other day, what you did with Lala. If I wanted to fuck Lala, I could fuck Lala, okay, bro? It's just that you don't got to be all on her.

Well, the funny thing is that James is like, I thought James was going to try to manipulate Jax by suddenly being really nice to him and helping him out with stuff. But then James is like, Jax, I want to go to hawaii can i go to what i'm really sorry i'm really sorry for saying those things before can i come to hawaii now can i come to hawaii now jacks oh well you know the only reason why i was doing that is because i wasn't sure but you know i thought your girlfriend wasn't real but now i see she is so i'm sorry i'm sorry jacks jack's like yeah but lala okay yeah jack's is like fine then jacks of course is like so i mean james is like so obnoxious like well i should be invited jack's made the right choice because now i'll be banging lala and jackson will get into trouble you're welcome jacksy boy like you're welcome you're dumb mass jacksy boy every time he says jacksy

boy i'm like he reminds me like a pervy old british guy yeah and he does that lick lip too he does the kyle richard i mean in kyle's face you know there's no feeling on her lips it's like when you're just getting out of the dentist and you're just licking to make sure they're still there you know yeah and he does that too that like really hard snake poke on his lip he's like jacksy boy yeah he's gonna grow up to be that like crazy british guy who followed the women into the pub on ladies of london after the hunting trip that's what he's gonna do but um but uh the the best part is though after jacks invites him jacks tells us he's like well you know i need to practice what i preach and if i don't James, then I'd be a little bit of a hypocrite. I was like, since when do you care about being a hypocrite, Jack?

Like, that's, your whole life is being a hypocrite. I'd be more concerned if you were consistent. Also, when have you either practiced anything or preached anything? Please stop using that term incorrectly over and over again. Yeah. So now Kristen visits Katie. Kristen goes, I've never seen him is he invited to hawaii it's the dog seriously dog seriously i guess you didn't do anything to ariana hot dog

seriously this dog could work at sir it's a hot dog hot dogs seriously i just made a joke i'm gonna start in comedians and katie yeah she should totally be let back in because she was nice to me like i showed her my scrunchie vision board and she was like yeah that's like a business she's in whatever and then kristen tells us that well katie gives her credit for being the matchmaker which i don't know how long that's going to be a thank you to krristin but yeah kristin was roommates with tom and jacks and that's how they all fell in love she's like literally like tom and katie are like literally the same person i was like it's like masturbating like just do it like just lock your door and do it where i can't see you know shrug half shrug shrug temple banging on the shoulder shrug sorry they're masturbating can't go in there right now sorry

and she also says uh well look i talked to stacy this morning and she's like totally heartbroken because she should like be here like remember when we used to like gather on the couch and we used to watch all those youtube engagement videos can you imagine those girls doing that i can which is what's terrible stassi's like ew why are you marrying him he's fat no say no look comment comment that he's fat literally you should get your breasts lifted like what are you doing responding to a proposal with low breasts seriously who does that literally this engagement is chic as fuck seriously where are the aliens i'm going to brunch that's how i ended the scene yeah i'm going to brunch yeah well

kristen should only start ranting about Tom and Ariana again. And Kristen's like, seriously, get over it. Go pack a bikini. Go what? She says, go pack a bikini. Like, that's her insult. Like, just pack a bikini. Get your toiletries ready.

Seriously, get over it. You know what some people don't like? When the trash bag, like the trash guys come by at 9 a.m. in the morning going, beep, beep, beep, pick up the trash. But like, just put your trash outside. Good one. Seriously, separate your recyclables. Seriously.

When people ask me, paper or plastic? And I'm just like, just put it in paper. Like, seriously? Seriously? They do it for you. So, like, it could just all go into the same bag. Seriously? Seriously?

Fluff or fold? Both. Seriously? Seriously? Like, don't take out your trash right away because the raccoons might get into it seriously raccoons it's not your trash so dumb so lisa and james lisa again being inserted into every scene and i'm loving it yeah she's like darling here we are by the schedule on the fridge yeah that that that's that's like the new like spot of Sur, the fridge.

I mean, every single play has happened there. That seems to be like a corner of Lisa's house, you know, that they just transformed into this set piece. So she can be like, all right, clear the geese. I'm coming down to film the fridge scene, darling. Someone get me a new Austin Powers outfit. Thank you. Oh, here we are at the schedule.

This fridge looks lovely. Someone's been cleaning the fridge. All right. Remind me to give Max five more percent of the tip tonight. Darling. Darling, what about Hawaii? What about the group trip, darling, to Hawaii? And so James is saying that, yeah, I want to go because Lola's going.

And it's a hot bag of hotness. I want to play that like I'll tickle the ivories in the butt-back rack times. Son of a James. Lisa's like, don't treat Lala like a trophy. Be nice to Lala. Darling, Lala is a young woman who works here and in the street and on poles and on boats in saudi arabia darling listen that woman has earned her load leave her alone be nice to lala he was being disgusting though like he really was like i'm gonna win lala i'm gonna win her over i'm like this is not a cheesy 80s comedy like this is a real woman it's's Lala, but she's still a real woman.

Then he wants to go with Max. She's like, who's going to take care of Max? He's like, I'll take care of Max. She's like, who's going to take care of you? He's like, Lala can take care of me. He sticks out his tongue like a pervert. I was like, ugh. You just did that to your boss.

What's wrong with you? Of course, Lisa loves it. She loves a cad. Yeah. Jax is like her favorite. Yeah, exactly. She says, all right, then, look. Now, I know you're going to do something stupid,

but don't do anything permanently stupid, darling. Or I won't get a woman pregnant then, darling. No, get her pregnant. I'm just saying don't leave her pregnant, darling. Permanently stupid would be a baby. All right, a pregnancy is temporarily stupid. All right, do you understand, darling? I think so.

But what if the baby can cover my shift? All right, then it's on, darling. Is Faith nice? Do you know anything about Faith? Oh, no, she's black. Oh, how odd. She works here no she's black oh how odd she works here she's black and she works here make sure that you put lala in between her and max all right then so then um then so lala faith and uh sheena go bikini shopping where we

where sheena really, like, she brings her A-game. My favorite quote of the scene from her says, I think this is a bra, but it could totally be a bathing suit. Deep thoughts from Sheena Marie. Bra bathing suits were kind of

my thing. It's a crop top bra. For my renewal ceremony. I love it. I think this is a bonnet, but I think it could also be a half a bathing suit top. This is a pumpkin, but it could also be

underwear. This swim cap could be sewn together with another swim cap and be an amazing bathing suit. This is a water pitcher, but it could also be a tea pitcher. This is a goggle, but it could also be a pill holder for Shang.

Shang. Girls and fiancés okay so they're talking so lala's like yeah so like i'm really excited to go to hawaii and just like you know like your dick maybe jackson's dick maybe james's dick maybe all of the bus boys like whatever dick's like i don't care i'm gonna be drinking you know what that means booze look i have hearts on my nipples instead of a bikini. When you've got Sheena saying, my girl's, like, flirting with everybody, it's embarrassing. Yeah. It's not good.

It's not good. I mean, listen, you don't want someone from Azusa to be your moral compass, okay? You don't want the girl who had an affair with Eddie Cibrian on purpose and gave Brandy life to be judging you, of all things. I mean, that's like the greatest sin in the world. Well, then Lala does this bullshit where she says, like, yeah, I told Jax to get in my bed, but I didn't say, fuck me. Like, oh, come on. Don't do semantics, Lala. Yeah, and it's the second time.

Oh, I'm sorry, Benny. No, no, no, no you go oh i'm such an ass i'm sorry no no no no no it was a blessing in disguise i was gonna make a half big joke it was it was good it was i'm glad i'm sorry i was just gonna say it's the second time in this episode someone's told sheena to stop putting words in their mouth and to me that's just the most hilarious thing of accusing sheena of like sheena can't put words in their mouth and to me that's just the most hilarious thing of accusing sheena of like sheena can't put words in her own damn mouth yeah like how is she orchestrating everything she just puts phonetics in their mouth bitch doesn't know how to say chilean sea bass yet

it's not gonna be putting anything in anybody's mouth anytime soon especially shay's god bless his heart so um then for the visual metaphor of the episode we cut to jack's shitting with the bathroom door open just shitting while britney she's just like folding a towel or something like he's just shitting letting his stank just flow it into the studio apartment. Well, look, the girl's from a really tiny mining town in Kentucky. I'm sure hanging laundry next to somebody who's shitting isn't really that far from her reality. She's just like, it's an everyday thing. She's like, I'm folding up laundry while the man's shitting. Talking.

Just another day at the stream, y'all. At the stream. And Jax is, y'all. At the stream. And Jax is, of course, reading. The stream. I think it sounds like it's like the opening of, like, The Butler or something. You know what's so funny? Your stomach muscles look like a washboard that we use in the stream. It's crazy.

Yeah, they're washboard abs, so. Except it's like we don't really have a washboard we just have this one big rock that's what it looks like one big round thing his rock board his rock wash what would you call it He has a bossy ball for stomach. A wash boulder stomach. A wash rock stomach. It's a... Wash flab. Wash flab. We'll workshop that.

It's more like a ham. We've got a lot of homework today. We have a lot of... We've got to come up with that. Kristen's head tick. We have to have a name for that. We'll solicit... We'll solicit...

You know. I can't... i need sheena to put words in my mouth sheena where are you well something neither of these people have ever done homework yeah that's what we've got ahead of us so basically they're talking and she's saying i talked to that girl skwina and she was telling me there's a girl named laller and laller is with you, and she says she's addicted to it. Now, look, I know lots of people addicted to things, and that's something we should talk about. Jax is like, ugh. She's like, I hear she's coming to Hawaii.

You didn't invite her to Hawaii. Jax is like, no, I didn't invite her to Hawaii. Cut to Jax. Hey, you want to come to hawaii like one of my favorite things of this show for four years is jack's blatantly lying and then the producers being like actually flashback every single episode jack says something and then lies about it he's a compulsive liar i love it and then he like puts his head in his hands like oh gosh this girl is already this much of a bitch yeah dude you can't complain you can't complain about moving too quickly when you just shit in front of

her i mean for christ's sake you're on tv man close the door listen he's trying to scare her away he's like i'm trying to do everything i'm even like defecating in front of her and she still hangs out i know and he's doing it in front of us, and notice that when he finishes, he stands up and tries to get a dick shot in. It's like only Jax would try and get a dick shot in right after he pooped on camera. Come on. Come on. Come on, Jax.

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So is this lunch now? No, it's the birthday lunch. Luncheon of the year.

Birthday lunch. You know, this isn't going to go well because it's at a place called Assa. Yeah, the place is already closed too I'd like to add. It's like some second rate fake rich place. Shut up. Assa. So they

have like $30,000 of jewels in the doormat of the restaurant. Sorry, I just got it. I was like what a little season one reference um people are allowed to wear burkas or not i mean it's just depending on what you consider freedom okay and women's rights freedom is just another word for nothing left to hide in the front stoop las vegas seafood buffet best publicity that place ever got was that weird protest. Yeah.

And David Bowie. So now it's this lunch, and it's Jax's birthday lunch, and everyone's there. So Kristen, of course, you can't have lunch with Kristen without her doing something super passive. She goes, well, since I'm not going to Hawaii, I decided to get you laid, Jax, and here's a lay. And she, like, gives lays out. You can't expect a horse face to show up at lunch and not shit the table. Yeah.

And then, of course, Tom takes it too personally. He's like, yeah, that's so Kristen. Like, she shuts up at lunch and, like, she has to make me look like an ass. Like, let it go, right? If I were him, I just would have laughed at it because it was so ridiculous. And then we – so, by the way, the luncheon is, like, intercut with, like, the B team. Because, you know, there's, like, the A team and the B team. And the B team are, like, the young kids.

And it's basically James and Lala. And was Faith there, too? Yeah, Faith. Lala and was Faith there too? Yeah, Faith. They go to visit Max at Villa Rosa because Max woke up, got lightheaded and basically fainted in the bathroom and

he hit his mouth on a wooden ledge. His whole mouth went into the wood. His tooth was splintered into the wood. It's one of the worst mouth traumas I've ever seen. I'm like, have you seen Sheena? You were doing Sheena.

She's like, and I've looked in a mirror that time I chipped my tooth. So, so, so they go to like visit Max cause he's, he had to go to the dentist and had all this stuff. And of course, what I loved is that when they're walking over the

little bridge hanky totally grunted at lala he did yeah he was like she's like oh he's been nice to all the bitches that have come across that bridge on beverly hills and vanderpump rules all season long but lala comes in and vanki's like oh so far it's just Lala and Kyle on Hanky's shit list. I love that Hanky. And by the way, Hanky literally has a shit list because he'll walk up to you and just shit on you. Yeah. Hanky, darling, please this time do not projectile shit all over Kyle, darling. Right.

So there's concern that Max can't go to Hawaii because he has to see his doctor with the whole face situation. So now James is like, my plan is ruined because if Max is in Hawaii, he won't be able to occupy Faith. And then Faith is going to want to hang out with Lala. And I won't be able to bone Lala. And everything's going to be ruined. I'm like, what is this 80s movie? And when can I see it? Because I really am intrigued.

My plan is for Faithy girl to go around the bend and get all sexy time gorgeous gorge for a little maxi max and then max will get max million win the end of them jesus please be quiet robin leach for christ's sake no you're gonna bone someone who's basically just told the entire world that you have the penis of a pinky like finger god bless you it is kind of amazing though because this show has set up really a perfect 80s comedy plot right i mean i just don't know who the protagonist is i think maybe max and faith are like they are like part of this plan you know you have you have the dweeby guy who's trying to get with the girl but she's into the other guy so she can just wrap it like i i'm like this is a great movie i just don't know who the protagonist is there's just no molly ringwald in this movie yeah they're all terrible they're all the terrible

ones there's not even a ducky in this movie i mean who's cute enough to be ducky max maybe i guess if we don't have a hero there can't be a ducky like who else is ducky gonna be masturbating to all right who makes their clothes out of thrift store things um homework that's number three on homework i've never seen i've never seen by the way um pretty in pink oh my god i just pooped myself it's the lisa vanderpump story darling so by the way we see pretty in pink, darling. We met a new housekeeper, by the way. No, Rocio. It was Maria. Maria.

She brought tea and bagels. Was that the one that walked up the hill last year when Lisa was interviewing people to give Rocio a day off or something? And she's like, this one is sweating like a pig. Walked all the way up a hill. Clim climbed over the gate because I refused to answer the door, got shat on by Henke, got slapped by Ken's statue out front. I'm hiring her. I was like, what? Like she interviewed all these people and then interviewed, you know, ended up taking the one who had like climbed and done all this shit. That was her.

I actually literally don't remember any of that. I just assume any cleaning lady that was on the street was Lydia's daughter. She's the only cleaning lady that's been let out of the house. Oh, my God. I've rescued your daughter. Okay. So back to the luncheon. Sheena is really out of control.

She just loves to gossip. I mean, hey, it's what gets her on the show. She just full-on tells the whole table, like, Hey, so Lala says that James has a small penis. Did you hear that? I'm like, you know, you're singing right in front of his ex-girlfriend Kristen right there. And then the best of that, Kristen's like, Yeah, I feel like Lala's type is anything with a dick regardless of shape or size or color i'm like so you're making fun of james

like lala for going with james with a small dick you know you dated him for a year and a half right well that's kristen maybe tom's not known for being that big either you know until people get like a really gigantic one they don't know what they are it's true they think you know you think they're all like the one they don't know what they are it's true they think you know you think they're all like the one you've got at home they're not so yeah that was hilarious she was like oh yeah james has a tiny penis okay so then pool lala and faith are topless and she's like oh we're so crazy because we're like tapas in our boss's pool oh yeah which is a bold move by the way to do that i guess it's lala lala it's lala um the biggest news here is that faith did not take a couch out of the living room

it's all been a ruse to get a couch and great news max is going to hawaii after all so good so what else happens so now the next thing i will tell you so because these are a bunch of waiters and waitresses they of course find the smoking alley for the for the for the asian infused restaurant i know it's the same thing, right? Tom walks straight to the smoking alley and they've got the same Lowe's patio furniture out there. Yeah. So Tom goes out there, then Kristen follows. And what she had explained to us was

she wants to have a conversation with Tom to be like, listen, I don't want there to be tension. I'm going to be hanging out. And like, what else can I do to make this i'm gonna be hanging out and like what what else can i do to make this easier that's what she said she wanted to do but instead the conversation was i'm gonna be around so yeah yeah so get over it okay i'm not going anywhere i'm gonna be like the goat horse run i'm sorry be around shrug i'm gonna still like be in the street shrug i'm gonna still like maybe adopt a pet once a while at the shelter like you're not gonna get rid of me like

katie's katie's getting married i'm gonna be planning stuff so like yeah i think it's tom's like i feel like i could i could sense tom's frustration because it's like, dude, I don't care. I'm okay with you being around. I just don't want you on my birthday trip because you're my ex and you're crazy. I don't want you at my birthday. Well, let me be around. So get over it. Seriously.

And he goes, you're going to help plan the wedding? Yeah. You're going to help plan the wedding? Ugh. And then, meanwhile, Sheena's like, Ariana, I think we should have a conversation. I opened up a conference room for us. So now Ariana and Sheena and I think maybe Katie, they go and they have a conversation. And then they're like, so we want to be friends with kristen again because the producers told us to be friends with kristen again so yeah we like kristen and you're

we're not saying you're sassy but you're kind of like sassy and then it turns into this um yeah so i just don't like people to question my integrity and my character she's like I don't like people questioning characters like an integrity like that's what I don't like and then Katie I don't like people questioning my like character you guys are all so fucking stupid and then Ariana

Ariana goes yeah but like they were they were literally questioning my integrity and my character, so. So, like, me not being friends with Kristen is, that's what I call integrity and character. Even your mom called me, she reached out to me, and she was like, is Ariana okay? Because she's a bitch.

Like, she's being a bitch, so. Yeah. Like, I went to the cemetery cemetery and the tombstone said, Here lies the father of a bitch. Is that how you want to be remembered? Hey, I called the guy who runs the bouncy house and he's like, Oh wow, I just blew this bouncy house up for a bitch. Just saying.

This is what he told me. And I have to point out that Sheena also said earlier in this episode, she was like, You guys, Max's mouth trauma was the worst thing I've ever seen. He's like on serious drugs. Shay, don't ask for any. Yeah, Shay's like, oh, I've already taken some. How the hell do you think I'm surviving this lunch right now? You gotta love the supportive wife making drug jokes at her you know one week sober husband

or whatever the hell so so good so now as the episode ends they all arrive at lax because they're about to go to hawaii and um it's like a whole group of them and james i mean james and laura they are like they're at the terminal like making out at this at like self-check like hey you know what really turns me on? Little computers. They really turn me on so much. Especially when they stick out a little piece of paper. Yeah, this computer just asked me to stick it in and pull it out real fast, babe.

Yeah. This computer wants to know if I have any dangerous goods in my bags. I was like, the only thing that's dangerous is my tongue, Lala. Get over here. I'm going to fuck Lala in what better place than Hawaii. I'm like, how only thing that's dangerous is my tongue, Lala. Get over here. I'm going to fuck Lala, and what better place than Hawaii? I'm like, how about an ASPCA? This little tiny computer just asked me if I had baggage, and I said, no, I got rid of Christian,

but I've got tons in my sack. Yeah, babe. Yeah, darling. This little computer, it just asked me what seat I wanted to have, and I said, I want Lala's seat. Like her butt. Is there any way to assign lala's seat on my face yeah babe it's right darling i want a seat in first class except

i call it first ass yeah lala i want to sit i want to sit near the galley and by galley i'm talking about lala she's my little galley hey jacksy boy hey and then meanwhile they like have this like montage them on the plane and he's literally like on top of her in the seats making out with her i was like have you never been to an airport like what is wrong with you well you're either gonna watch those two acting like idiots and laughing or you're gonna see some 40 year old dude walking through the airport with mom hair peter get rid of that mom haircut I don't need it to be long again but commit

you are not a young mother okay so either cut it or grow it please like you look like a 1990s bit actress on Law and Order right now just like if you're gonna cut your hair don't do that that little like

Carrie Lowell bit. Just like, you know, like. You look like every role Donna Murphy has played on Law and Order, dude. Stop. Okay. And you're like that person on Southwest Airlines that I would see and immediately not want to sit next to. Because I know you've got 20 children running around screaming on the plane. Because you've got mom hair, dude.

Peter, you literally have the same hair as ceela ward on season three of sisters that was not a good season for ceela peter although she did wind up with george clooney that season don't never forget george clooney and ceela ward sisters suzy curts also what a great show oh my god that old battle axe you know i love swoozie kurtz for just not giving into the whole facelift thing and then see what happens someone calls her a battle axe but it's better than a blow up she has well you know my swoozie kurtz story right no but i will in a minute and i'm dying to know it there's a good way to end the episode so i tweeted something about swoozie kurtz and like three months later, the Huffington Post, I guess, found the tweet and was like, hey, we're having Suzy Kurtz on.

Why don't you come on? We want you to come on HuffPoLive and we're going to have you talk to Suzy Kurtz. So I thought like, you know, I thought I was gonna be like a panelist, you know, because, you know, we're podcasters, bloggers. We know every now and then these things happen. Also, lightning strikes for you in that way all the time. You make a on a plane they ask you to come on fox to talk about things yeah every time you do shit like that it hits it's so crazy so i'm like cool i'm gonna be on like a panel with suzy kurtz i love sisters they're like okay great so um uh here are uh like uh we need you to like uh come up with like three questions and send them to us.

We're going to vet them. So I write a question. I write a question, some question. They're all about sisters, you know? So one of the questions I said was, would you have ever thought that sisters would be such a hotbed for finding

like Hollywood talent? Because, you know, Paul Rudd came there, Ashley Judd, George Clooney, all these people. And so I just wrote as a joke and, and came back to me they're like okay here's the question we want

you to ask suzy curse like like what was it like working with george clooney i was like oh okay fine so then the it comes time for like for like the show and i find out that i'm not like a panelist it's that they're gonna skype me in it's going to be me and like two other Twitter fans. And now I'm like, oh, I'm not like the people. Yeah. I'm like, I'm not like a panelist. I'm just like a crazy person from the Internet who loves Suzy Kurtz now. I was like, OK, all right, well, I'm going to do this because it's sort of funny.

It's Suzy Kurtz, but it's still strange. So the show starts going and Suzy Kurtz is talking about something. The first twitter person literally she's on the air of huffpo live and her mom walks in with a basket of laundry i was like oh my god i can't believe this is like i'm being associated like i'm gonna be like like a crazy twitter person who is like would be expected to have a laundry basket coming through so she asked her question then it's like then they're talking to suzy kurtz again the interviewer and the producer is like okay ben you're gonna be asking your question in like you

know in like a minute after this talking point you're gonna ask a question we're gonna tell you get ready i'm like okay great so the guy's like asking suzy kurtz something random and out of nowhere something possesses suzy kurtz to announce that in the 60s, she had an abortion. And she's never told a soul. She's not told anyone. And she just sort of like comes out. And she's like, whoa, I can't believe I just said that. And then she starts talking about it.

And it gets really serious. And they're asking her questions. Was it George Clooney's? No. So she's like talking about it and she's like wow and this is something that actually made national news it was like suzy kurtz had an abortion it was like a big deal and she's like wow this is it's crazy to talk about like yeah yeah and then they're like and now we have ben from twitter and i was like what's it like to work with george clooney right after her abortion confession she's

like well it's better than an abortion ben it's better than an abortion, Ben. It's better than an abortion. The look on her face, she was like, yeah, he was great. She's like, I just confessed about abortion, and he's asking about George Clooney. What are you supposed to ask? Have you ever taken an AIDS test? What is going to be more awkward than that? What do you ask after that?

It was like, I can't believe my one moment with Susie Kurtz. I had to ask her the stupidest question on the heels of her abortion. Well, that's her own damn fault. She set you up for failure. No one starts with abortion. That's what you end with, darling. Darling, just like this podcast. I would have asked her, what about Love, Sydney?

What was up with that? I know. Just let her go. I'm sure that would have led to george clooney abortions you know you just have to have the right entry darling i should be like how did you feel about your family about your ashley judd playing your stepdaughter and her like running off with paul rudd and then like hey what did you think of Ashley Judd in Kiss the Girls? It's a callback to our bonus episode. So anyway, speaking of which.

Full circle, and it's 4.20 p.m. What a time to end. Wow. That's a sign, guys. So if you've made it this far into the podcast, congratulations. And now what you should do is you should go to Patreon and sign up so that way you can listen to our bonus episode about making a murderer it's super fun and we'll get you riled up rally up so um uh thank you all for listening um please subscribe to us on itunes it helps our uh stats and our everything go up and when that happens we can grow as a podcast and do more and more stuff for the show for me and thank

you to everybody who's been going over there and leaving uh good reviews and stuff thank you thank you thank you they're like little love letters that we can keep forever i know i think i think someone said that the more comments we get um it makes us go up in the rankings which is really cool because i love it when our show is wedged in between npr and like espn i'm like we're professionals too me too so last week one time it was how to make a murder or making a murderer making murder making a murder watch what happens making a murderer making a murder i'm like i love this country it's like bitches on bravo and murder yeah i love it i love it when we can like we can pierce students with a professional podcast

so um come uh so do all that stuff and uh thanks everyone for listening and we will students to the professional podcast so um come uh so do all that stuff and uh thanks everyone for listening and we will talk to you later this week bye hey prime members you can listen to watch or crap and add free on amazon music download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.