Watch What Crappens - #259: Rules, Fools and Southern Drools

Episode Date: January 20, 2016

New Real Housewives on the culdesac! The Real Housewives of Potomac are here, and they’re full of rules for you to follow. The Real Housewives of Atlanta are checking out the catering at the Million Man March, and Vanderpump Rules is topless in Hawaii, and Katie’s PISSED. Enjoy! *** 0-21:46 Opening and Crappens Mailbag 2146 RHOPotomac begins. Please follow the rules. 1:17:55 Real Housewives of Atlanta marches on DC. Porsha eats a lot. 2:03:40 Vanderpump Rules. Brittany is dumber than we though, and it’s delicious. *** ------------------- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com ---------------------- Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast. The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV.

And as usually I'm, as usually, and that's how it's going to be for the next three hours, people. As usual, I'm here with the gorgeous and now fully think thinned filled ben mandelker hello ben hello ronnie as opposed to the previous episode when i was hangry the entire time and was just like waiting to get off the air so i could eat some food this time i've eaten a think thin bar and i just had also a small lunch so I should be in happy pleasant spirits for our recording Oh my sweet little Ben I know

What? You eat when you need to eat I don't care if you need to quit right in the middle and go to Sizzler Do what you gotta do I like that idea I'm gonna eat whenever I want to eat That's actually been one of my problems lately is that I haven't been eating whenever I wanted to eat.

You know what? Friday night, I went to Vito's Pizza on La Cienega and I ate five slices of pizza. I mean I almost ate – I would have eaten the entire pie except for the fact that my boyfriend had eaten the other three slices. I would have gone all eight slices. I would have actually loved to sit there and kind of touch myself while you and your hot boyfriend sat there and ate pizza. Because to me, that's so sexy. And like people like you just don't do that in my mind. I just imagine you going to gym and eating thin bars and, you know, barfing at night.

So the fact that you actually do the same stuff I do but are still that much hotter, it makes me, it gives me a jealousy boner, which is kind of the best kind. Well, I definitely went in. Friday night, you know what? I got some good feedback from my manager about a draft that I turned in for this thing I'm working on. And I was just like, yes, I'm going to celebrate by eating my feelings, but in a good way. I'm going to eat everything in sight because I deserve it. I did a good job. My feelings are delicious.

And not only that, I had – so I had the five slices of pizza. And then I don't think there was any dessert involved. But then the next morning I went out and I had a giant brunch. I was like, I'm still celebrating. And then I went and got a mani-pedi. I mean I went in and I bought myself a new board game. I fully indulged myself for 24 hours. I was like a madman.

You were like a mad woman. Are you kidding? So good. You ate, you got a mani-pedi, and you bought a game. I bought a gift for myself. By the way, the game is called Grand Austria Hotel and it is so fun. It's a game about welcoming guests to a hotel and

serving them strudel and then finding a room for them which sounds very mundane but it is really the dream and I I love it well one of the best games ever is called Uno I mean there's nothing more mundane than that I mean you could play I hear you could play like 70 rounds of that at a jail and still have time for more we played 61 games oh no for those of you who do not recognize that reference congratulations you've escaped the mob mentality that is making a murderer we have not we have not escaped that last week's bonus episode was uh kind of a crappins retelling of that 10-hour damn documentary. And then we got to Reddit and started reading all the alternate theories,

all the evidence that was left out. And so we did a very, I don't even want to say haphazard, because we really went through it, but we didn't have a whole lot of facts actually pulled up, because, I mean, through part of it, I'm just calling someone the wrong name, the whole thing. But that said, still really fun to listen to because there is a lot of crazy information out there about this it never ends we have a full reading of Stephen's jail letters to Jody yes that's this is in this week's bonus episode and uh yeah that's this week and uh you know just alternate theories and stuff like that and reddit, which are my favorite thing in the world.

So if you want to check out our bonuses, go to patreon.com slash watch what crap ends. That's where our premium stuff is. It's the bonus episodes, the ringtones. This Thursday night, 6 p.m. Pacific, our Google Hangout. That's where you can come to chat with us for an hour. Or we just party and talk on video camera with you guys. So have your webcam ready. We'll have instructions up later on today. So just go to patreon.com

or go to our Facebook page, facebook.com slash watch what crappens to find instructions and all that good stuff. And I'm sure that Mike Bowman is going to be joining us for that because he joins for every single one of them. And Mike, I believe he went to college with Teresa Halbach, who was murdered. So Mike, I don he went to college with Teresa Halbeck, who was murdered.

So Mike, I don't know why you're not a suspect. I'm just saying. But anyway, so I'm sure we'll be talking about Making a Murderer on that as well as all the Bravo stuff that we love to cover. So many people over the week signed up for Patreon just to hear the Making a Murderer bonus episode. So thank you so much. We just want to give you all more of what you want to hear so there is a whole other new bonus episode devoted to more making a murderer and we'll continue as i said on the bonus episode we'll continue to track it but we'll still talk about other stuff too so for those of you guys who aren't watching it don't worry there'll still

be content for you to listen to yeah and all those bonus episodes are available once you're a member. So you can, I mean, there's 60, I think today we did number 68. So there's, you know, 75-ish hours there. Listen to. So go on over. Okay. So we've got a Humongoloid show today. May I give a shout out to someone though? Of course.

Sorry everyone to delay the podcast even further. But I want to give a shout out to my friend Neil, who I've mentioned before on this podcast. Really lovely guy. I love Neil. Neil's great. But he has another he has a podcast and I love giving love to other podcasts because I think it's good karma in this podcast world. I've mentioned this podcast before. It's called Past Present. It's totally different from our podcast. It's a podcast that looks at current events through a historical lens because it's like three historians talking about things in a very articulate way. They're much smarter than we are. It's really, really good.

And last week's episode, I haven't listened to this week's episode, but last week's episode, they talked about the standoff that's happening in Oregon in that federal building with the militia. And it's super fascinating. So if you want something that will help inform you and make you feel smart. Actually, I would like to listen to that because I don't know what the hell that is even all about. And I want to. I keep trying to read about it, but

people on both sides are so pissed off. It's really hard to tell what the hell's going on. I don't even want to get into it here because that's total bony baloney material for us. like bonus episode material yeah but yeah i'm gonna listen to that too yeah go listen go listen to it because what you will find out when you listen to their podcast is that the historical underpinnings of what seems sort of like this strange story go back several hundred years there's like a lot of stuff at play, more than

I ever realized, and I was totally fascinated. It made my drive from the west side to Hollywood during rush hour, which is one of the worst drives you can make in LA. It went by in a second. So please, I just want to give a shout out. I'm sorry, we can get back to Bravo now, but I gotta give credit where credit's due.

And also, we have to thank our premium subscribers christy doherty and our super premium subscriber marvin jay we love you jay thank you guys for doing that so everybody thank you for listening thank you for the premium subscribers you know everyone let's just hug let's just hug let's have some hate bravo hugs or some yeah i'm hugging because i'm hugging my laptop i'm pretending it's you ronnie oh it's my the thinnest i've been Let's just hug. Let's just hug. Let's have some hate Bravo hugs or some hate on Bravo hugs. I'm hugging my laptop. I'm pretending it's you, Ronnie.

Oh, it's the thinnest I've been in years, darling. Your think thins have transferred. All that think thin effort you've made is transferred onto my body. No, it's still there. Never mind. Fuck off. All right. Let's do some mailbag beans, shall we?

Yay, mailbag. Mailbag. Mailbag. Mailbag. What we got? The first one is from Lola Del Rio. This is actually, it's not really a question, just a general comment she wants to share with our audience. Lola says, she she says not a question but i have a bravo liberty run-in uh lola by the way she is a manager at a restaurant in oakland

and she says andy cohen and anderson cooper came into my restaurant for brunch yesterday super nice didn't order anything weird and very super gracious i may have hit on anderson's side piece who was hella hot. Alas, did not have a chance to ask Andy if Jill Zarin was ever coming back or ask Anderson about Syria. How did you not ask Anderson about Syria? I mean, that is an amazing breakfast conversation between those two. One's Bravo and one's dealing with Syria. Yeah, they should they should

host each other's shows andy co would be like here's what jackal of the week is isis for ruining syria i mean come on isis let's put on a wig and pretend we're isis they should totally change jobs that would be an amazing reunion just like the middle east like let's get all the factions that are fighting in the middle east just to fight in ball gowns some marriott ballroom i know and then meanwhile anderson cooper's on on watch what happens it's like all right nini uh it says here actually he's friends with nini so he wouldn't be like that with nini but he would be he would be like you know with uh with jacks he'd be like so jacks you had sex with three people that impregnated a lady.

Do you care to respond? I feel like just super serious. Watch what happens. You can't talk about beheading on a program with so much head. Okay, so what else we got in the mail? Oh, also, Teresa Marovitch went and saw Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen. And she looks so cute in the picture i mean those guys really do a nice red carpet what are they touring for like what is their come meet anderson

and andy what is it about you know i think they have like a um i think they have some weird like yeah they both get on stage and talk about things or maybe they interview each other maybe they have a book i don't know but they're both of them are touring it's like here are two power gays who are friends with each other come bask in their glory which is what i think most people should do they're just getting ass all over this country together they're like hey let's go on a road ass trip sounds good but yeah book a string of marriott's and let's do this so everyone if you're in the oakland area go visit Lola Del Rio. I actually tried to. And in fact, I popped into her restaurant and she wasn't there.

And she even wrote on Patreon that missing Ben when he came to visit is my biggest regret. It's my waiting for Guffman moment. Don't worry, Lola. I'll come back. I have friends in Oakland. So I'll come back and I'll find you. But I'm not going to tell you when because I still want to surprise you. Maybe Ronnie will be with me. I don't go that far that's too far oakland i think there's a casino

on the way there though and i would love to go to that engine casino and spend some money spend some of your money or your boyfriend who works a lot it's gonna spend his damn money so um speaking of um speaking of theresa maravichich, she also asks, Hi, Ben and Ronnie. Do you have favorite non-famous local bands that you'd like to see? If so, who are they and what are the best small venue, lesser known places to see local bands in LA? And what was your all-time favorite concert? Ronnie?

Well, my music knowledge sucks i've never been like much of a pop music or pop rock whatever popular music kind of a guy i was a musical gay and so i don't really know i don't go see anything i've been to see a couple of my friends and bands who are okay but i don't even know where you would go see live music here isn Isn't that sad? In Austin, I could tell you, but not really here. Yeah. Where are the best small venues? So here's the thing. I don't have a favorite non-famous local band because I stopped watching local bands years ago.

Believe it or not, I used to see bands play a good amount. I had a friend who was working in the music industry and always be like, yeah, we're going to this thing. You want to come for a ticket? So I've done that whole thing. I've seen bands that I don't know. And I never I realized that I never actually enjoyed it. I just would be

standing there bored. My feet would be aching. I had no idea. And at one point I went to see this guy named Ariel Pink, who now is actually sort of famous. And he's this avant-garde whatever. And it was just awful. And I thought to myself, why did I spend $10 to stand here?

I'm miserable. I don't like this music. I don't know what it is. So I have actually signed off. I no longer do. I only see bands that I already know. But in terms of places to see music, I like the Echoplex or the hotel. What's it called? Hotel Cafe. Echoplex or the hotel. The hotel.

What's it called? Hotel Cafe. I've only been to the Bowl. I mean, I've been to those. I've been to Hotel Cafe and stuff. But to see real stuff, I've only been to the Bowl. I've seen Duran Duran and Adele. And she was amazing. And they were walking very well for their age.

And it was really fun watching how bored they were. So glad Adele was walking well. Oh, no. she didn't walk. Adele doesn't walk. She comes out with a stool and she sits there and occasionally stands up. She called her mom. That was really cute. And this was one of her first tours.

It was for her 19 album. And she was fantastic. I mean, just beautiful. That voice. Amaze. And clear, crystal clear. I cried because i do that and then uh other people you know eight picnics and stuff which feels weird but it felt right for adele i don't like that

people eat at the hollywood bowl it bugs me i don't want to smell your subway bitch well i'm trying to choose more that like if you're seeing classical there or something or something that's sort of like quiet or there's a quiet moment in a concert you know inevitably someone like knocks a wine bottle down a staircase you're a clink clink clink clink clink you know or someone knocks things over it's just trust me crazy yeah but do you have it worked um and also favorite concert oh i haven't seen that many so i don't even know um probably amy grant just because that was my first one and i was like whoa there's so many lights and i was like this is amazing and she was so skinny i just remember being like wow she's so thin jesus is the best diet ever i mean didn't work for me but still

yeah i probably didn't follow it properly my first one was a triple triple header of cracker gin blossoms spin doctors i saw that in upstate new york at at the saratoga it's a thing it's called spa or something like that the saratoga performing arts center um but my all-time favorite it's tough so i am a big dave matthews i used to love dave matthews i'd see every summer And I remember seeing he once played at the Staples Center here and I was like in the fifth row and it was just like Dave Matthews and friends. And it was actually an utterly amazing concert. People always love to make fun of Dave Matthews, but Dave Matthews actually puts on a great concert. And that was a great one. But I have to say, I might think my favorite concert of all time was prince i saw prince a few years ago here when he did this crazy 21 night gig at the forum and um the tickets were all like 20 25 super close up

and every night he was pulling celebrities onto this onto the stage it was like you know it was like he would just pull people up and it was it became a thing here in la like you have to see prince he does like five encores. Didn't Whitney get up there and make an ass out of herself? Exactly. That was the one that I went to was when Whitney Houston came up on stage. She sang with Chaka Khan. Chaka Khan opens.

First of all, Chaka Khan and Prince. Great doubleheader right there. Whitney Houston came up. She sang. It didn't matter how she sounded. Everyone went berserk. We just felt like we were in the presence of greatness, even if she was wearing this weird mesh shirt thing

that showed everything in the wrong way. And the next day she went to rehab. But honestly, what made it great, the presence of Whitney Houston made it cool. But what made it great was Prince. I'd never been to a Prince concert, and that was like the night. I like Prince's songs,

but I went pretty much because it was cheap and everyone was talking about it. And going to that concert, I was like, night i like prince's songs but i went pretty much because it was cheap and everyone was talking about it and going to that concert i was like oh i get it now like i get what is so great about prince and it was just an absolutely amazing concert right on okay so our last one from the mailbag is fuck mary kill yay yes potomac. This is from Lori. What's up, Lori? Okay. So I think that I would fuck Katie. I think Katie. Is Katie the socialite who loves white Jewish men?

I'm kind of her type. And I'm gay. So I'm really her type. Yeah. So you're going to marry her? You know, I almost want to marry her but i think i just am gonna fuck her i think i'm gonna marry giselle because she's funny and i think we'd have like a fun time together and she likes to cook so i could imagine us doing crab boils together kill um

who's left there's um what's her face Oh, my God. The drag queen Regina King. Yeah. Well, there's drag Regina King. And there's also Karen. I don't know. Karen makes me laugh. I don't want to kill her. I think I'd kill Charisse. Is Karen the one who looks like Dwight with a wig?

The older lady? Karen is the one who looks like older Micah from Blood, Sweat, and Heels. Yeah. Like Micah? Wait, are you talking about the one who's married to Black Bill Gates? Yeah, yeah. She's not. You think she does?

Like an older Micah. I don't know. Maybe she's somewhere between Micah and Dwight. I think she looks kind of like Latoya Jackson and Dwight. And then she's got Kyle temple veins from all the Botox on her I think actually I might kill Robin

only because Robin did really nothing be like I still love my wedding dress so for now I'm going to kill Robin I'm going to keep Charisse and Karen around because well I'll explain when we talk about Potomac I'll explain my thoughts on all of them. Well, I would not.

Okay. I would have to kill Robin, too. And I don't have any hate for Robin. But if you marry her, she's still not going to leave the house. And if you fuck her, she's still not going to leave the house. You've got to kill the bitch to get her out of your house, basically. So she's done with. get her out of your house basically so she's done with mary i think i would probably marry um i would probably marry dwight because just because he's so important he would never be

paying attention to anything that i'm doing but there's still a lot of money to spend and also i could laugh every thanksgiving at those spanks because that is some crazy spanks you better be careful where you sit though she's she's making heather deborah seem pretty open-minded oh yeah um so would i say marry her yeah and then you the fuck part is always so hard on these because i mean no i mean i barely even fuck men and that's who i like so i'm trying to think i'm not gonna pick the young hot one just because she talks too much and she, she has to go to charity events every night.

So I don't like that. You're just fucking her though. Oh, still though. I don't want someone like the hair is all done. There's like a full face of makeup. Well, then maybe,

maybe Giselle. I mean, Giselle's pretty hot herself um which one's giselle she is like she's the blonde blonde one who's married to the minister the rihanna girl the low rent i was calling her friana because she's like i'm having trouble i'm having trouble with the the associations you're giving I can sort of see the Dwight one the Rihanna one

she has Rihanna hair when she does her Rihanna bangs oh yeah she had the Rihanna bangs no I wouldn't fuck her she looks too crazy so who else have we run out of them I think we went out of all of them

Charisse who looks sort of like what's her name Uzo Adobo, whatever. Yeah, I'd fuck Sharice. That's the one who's the coach's wife. Yeah. I'd fuck her because I really like Regina King. And I feel like I could, you know, even if it's like the drag queen version of Regina King, the Leftovers performance in season two was so amazing that I'll go with it.

I'll roll with it. in season two was so amazing that i'll go with it i'll roll with it i think she looks i think she looks more like um uzo aduba than than than regina king i mean i get the regina king i see the regina king but i i feel like she's more on the uzo aduba line uh look up a picture of uzo aduba and then look up sharice jackson jordan no she's lucky oh you know why she i mean she her name is her last name is jackson jordan she's like okay i'm gonna take all the powerful black man last names i'm just taking both like what's do i want to be a jordan do i be jack i'm just taking both my middle name is five and air

okay so that does it for today's crappin's Mailbag. Go on to Patreon to submit those questions. Thank you, everybody, for those. Ding, ding, ding. What do you want to start with today? We have the Real Housewives of Atlanta. We've also got Potomac and Vanderpump Rose. Why don't we start with Potomac? We're already talking about it. Because it's new,

eh? It's new. So my general note is I didn't really have any expectations going in. I was sort of curious. I kind of felt like if Bravo was going to launch something called The Real Housewives of Potomac, it had to be good because why else would they go for such a specific area? Although, truthfully,

it's kind of just like a rebranding of DC. But then I also was like, but this could also really suck. I have to say, I really enjoyed it. I was laughing the whole time. I was into it. I actually liked all the women. Even though there's definitely sides to be taken,

I like them as characters on my TV um okay that's fair you did not I don't even have really I mean I have hate for all of them in the way that I love to have hate

for bitches on Bravo but I mean I think they're all morons like every single one I can't even imagine who I would root for on this show. I mean, these are some of the dumbest faux fancy bitches I've ever seen in my life. I actually, oddly enough, I disagree with you very slightly. I don't think that they're like brain surgeons. But I think they, I actually think they seem like they're a level up from most of the cast members on Atlanta.

You know? Well, I mean, come on. I'm just saying, I think these women actually have a little bit more going on. I think they actually, to me, do seem brighter. I'm not saying that they are bright, but they seem brighter than Atlanta. Like, there's somewhere,

like, if Blood, Sweat, and Heals, if we're going to look at the way black women are depicted on Bravo, Blood, Sweat, and Heals is, like, the high mark because that show, Lee shows black women as, like, successful career women trying to make it with, like, brains and heels is like the high mark because those that show at least shows black women as like successful career women trying to make it with like brains and, you know, more sophisticated. And if Atlanta married to medicine is the bottom. Right. So and Atlanta is down towards there. I think these women are right in the middle between Atlanta and and blood, sweat and heels.

Oh, I'm not really sure what I'm thinking of them yet my first thought was lol i did laugh a lot at the show and my second was this was a really long audition tape and these bitches better try harder because this is that typical bravo new housewives thing where they rehash old storylines and then try really hard to fight at parties that they're just making up just to have places to fight is you know what's so weird i i know exactly what you're saying i felt honestly like the fight was oddly authentic i thought it was a stupid the both fights that happened were really really stupid but i felt like it was a sort of petty bullshit that that these i felt like it was really stuff that was on their mind this is not like nini getting on a tour bus and deciding that she had to scream at Kim because she needed to advance the storyline. I really felt like, yeah, these women are sort of like really petty.

And it felt like, oddly enough, it felt like a real moment to me. So I was totally invested. Well, the real, the rehashing I mean is the, you know, here's the book on manners from Camille. Yeah. Instead of finding a book, she actually typed something out and put it in a frame from Ross Dress for Less and gave it to her. Oh, my Lord. Which we'll get to. And the other one was the fight over who sat where, which is like another typical.

But don't you love that if they're going to rehash anything, they're going to rehash two of the most hilarious controversies of all time? I like that instead of vagina waxing. Give me a C-Drama A-Time. Well, that's true, but give them time. There's a cornhole waxing around the corner, I'm sure. It is a housewives. And also, no, because the

rehashing isn't fun for me. What was fun from those two original fights is that they were so stupid and they were actually real that's what made them hilarious that people are actually that fight on orange county over the chair has to be one of the funniest damn things i've ever seen and that it has continued for two years in a way they still talk about it yeah it's hilarious because it was real they were both really staking that claim on that stupid chair and it's also something like very relatable like as much as we talked down about that fight as one

of the stupidest things and how it like kicked off a whole season of like fighting at the same time we've all been there we've been there where someone's taking our chair at like a group dinner or something like that and you're like fuck now i'm sitting not where i want to be and you get mad like it's it's like so petty and yet so relatable you know um so the first at least in my world yeah no no i'm with you i'm with you so the um this show opened i thought perfectly the first shot was of a really scared deer like they shoot a deer but it looked terrified it got to that like scared pose and i was like oh here we go uh then it was like golf tennis and dog shitting i was like i think i'm gonna like this show yeah the first the first woman we meet is so giselle i am calling friana because she when she goes and does her hair later she looks like

rihanna before she became famous if you look up yes pictures of her when she was dancing around all poor it's like yeah like sos days the sos era pund pund pund a replay or is it pundit floor so giselle is teaching her children how to spray a pan properly but she's teaching them improperly because one of her kids is spraying the pan and turning her head away so she doesn't breathe in the cancer. And Giselle's like, no, what are you doing? You need to put your head in the pan. No, you just gave your kid, like, spray cancer. Congratulations. I actually really enjoyed this.

It's not that I, like, love the scene, but I thought it was amusing. To me, it didn't feel like a Caroline Manzo. Look at me and my family. Aren't we so hilarious together? To me, it was just sort of like a little slice of life. And I thought that right out of the gate, I actually really liked Giselle. I thought she was funny. I liked the way she was talking with her kids. I liked what was going on. I was like, actually really liked Giselle. I thought she was funny. I liked the way she was talking with her kids.

I liked what was going on. I was like, I immediately liked Giselle. I was team Giselle from the beginning. Well, she's that one who says how exclusive her place is. Yeah. Potomac is one of the most exclusive places in the country. Only Legacy can get you in. I'm like, oh, my God.

What is this, a sorority house? Get out of here. I know. Yeah, whenever they say things like that, I'm like, shut up. But I kind of feel like that's one of those things where they're, like, forced to say that for their trailers. And she also makes a lot of food references, which is weird. She described her husband. She said she was married to a pastor from the NFL, which is kind of funny to me. And she said he likes to have his cake but eat other cakes and hide his salami.

I'm like everything she says about cheating is something about him eating too much, which I think is funny. It's like a food reference. And by the way, Bravo had like a really great crossover moment Because he actually appeared During the Atlanta episode Speaking at the Excuse me Million Man March So it was like a nice little Potomac It was sort of like a teasing of Potomac A teasing of Potomac

Jamal Reverend Jamal something Jamal whatever Well I wasn't sure about her by the end of the scene Because she ended it with all this etiquette in potomac i don't follow the rules i follow the rules called giselle i was like um see at that point she had won me over enough i was like yeah you go girl i was like you're you're stupid but i did love that she was barely restraining her beating of her children during that scene because she's trying to be all like, nice mom in the kitchen.

But she's like, oh, god damn it. You can just see it. I was like, hit him. I know. I liked her. I really did like her. I also think she's super pretty, except for when she does those bangs. I hated the bangs.

But, you know, in general, I don't like bangs. But I also felt like when she did that bang, I think think it was a wig it made her look so much older i was like girl what are you doing um these are the thoughts these are pressing thoughts in my in my brain they're better than mine because mine are all like the little incidental shots like the shot leading us into the next scene is a close-up of asparagus. I was like, what is this? It's like someone taking asparagus out of a steamer with tongs and then tea pouring. And I was like, okay, so bitter and more boring than coffee. Okay, I'm in.

So this is Katie. Katie is the younger one. But I think there's another younger one coming on later. Yeah, there is one. I think probably yeah, another younger one coming on later. Yeah, there is one. There's the I think probably next episode. The other younger one is like a mix between Leslie Mann and Cree Summers, you know, but she hasn't arrived yet. So she's going to be hilarious because she's the one who kind of talks like this. And I always love that one. Love that voice.

She does this one. This one is dating an obviously gay guy. Yeah. Look, we'll call people gay and stuff, but we're not the kind of gays who think that everybody's gay. I don't think. I mean, I'm not. If you say you're straight, I don't care if you've got a dick in your mouth. If you tell me you're straight, I'm like, okay, you're straight, because what good is it to me if you're gay if you can't admit it? You're no good on my team anyway.

This one, this guy is so gay. He looked like he was going to be playing Jeff. What's his bones for flipping out like that kind of gay, like really, really lift puffied gay. And they open with him talking about his haircut and his eyebrow wax. Yeah. Now, admittedly, you know, as a Jewish man, I can say that that there is a fine line between a super like nebbishy Jewish guy and a gay man. It can be very difficult to to to see the difference. But this guy was I mean, the gaydar was really pinging with this guy. And like you said, we're not out to out on one.

And like you said, we're not out to out anyone, but this is – he was giving me a lot of – what was the name of the girl? Remember the guy on Princesses Long Island? Was that Erica? Was it Erica, the girl? The one who looked like Kramer and then got arrested for selling fake cell phones? No, no. The one – oh, no. Erica was the one who was like the hottest one.

I'm not sure. There was that girl, Amanda. it was amanda that's right amanda with her remember her mom babs amanda yes the wishbone dressing um amanda was the one who took photos on like the 9-11 memorial and she had that boyfriend jeff and he's like hi amanda let's fuck Yeah, that was the guy. That was the guy who looked like Kramer, like a young Kramer. Oh, that was the Kramer guy? Yeah, and when they went to meet the mom, he's like, yeah, you thought it was hot. Whatever. Yeah, you're such a good boy, and you like your ranch, huh?

I miss that show. She had that to her. Come to Warehouse in Great Neck. You'll get a discount from me and her drink koozie the drink koozie i'll bring that show back bring it back so this katie girl is very pretty with a gay guy um she's desperate basically desperate desperate desperate she got she doesn't have to be divorced when she was four months pregnant which yes she is because she's been taking care of her whole life her whole family's in philanthropy

they're this rich family blah blah blah she went on to be a model and she says her family's conservative and being single isn't a good look honey if you were worried about your look why are you getting a divorce when you're four months pregnant that's not a good look to a conservative family either like i don't know these women decide to use their morals and their upstanding well i think whenever it's like convenient to bag i think probably what she's what what she's really saying is being a single mom because then you know she she has three kids she's single socialite you know she's probably that, you know, that kind of, you know, I think for a lot of straight men, like having three kids will make your stock go down. So she's probably like, well, that's a gay Jewish guy. I'll take him.

Yeah, pretty much. She's like, well, he'll be cheating, but at least it won't be with other vaginas. And at some point you have to rewrite the rules. Okay. They're the rules of Giselle. Listen, we'll go shopping together. We'll have a nice,

uh, you know, we'll have nice vacations. I'm okay with it. And the fact that she orders muscles right in front of him, which are kind of phallic and also kind of vaginal all at the same time. I thought it was pretty cute. You know?

Yeah. It's like tongue in cheek, which she ain't ever going to get. So what did she talk about? Like, Oh, she's talked about the, uh, which she ain't ever going to get. So what did she talk about? Oh, she talked about the scene, basically. Yeah, she was boring, and she was saying what wasn't a good look or whatever, and I thought you were saying that while you were wearing a gigantic turquoise statement necklace.

From the Luan de Lesseps collection? Yes, it was huge. It was like a Stassi necklace, you know? Oh. I'm like, I'm so sad for her. What a terrible first impression for Katie. It wasn't working out so well for her. But it is going to be exciting to watch her get turned down by a gay guy. I'm excited for that.

I always love that. At least she's pretty. She is pretty. She's gorgeous. Oh, yeah. She's beautiful. So, I'll give her that. There you go.

Yeah, I'll give her that. You're pretty. But, you know, I'm totally fine with hating pretty people, i don't hate her though yet i just think and i like anyone who likes i do like anyone who likes jewish men i'm a little biased on that front yeah but she only likes him because of money she's like yeah i mean he's so good with his money i don't care you know if someone likes me because i'm if someone fetishizes me i'm okay with that i don't care okay well if you're ever rich i might change my tune i'll be like i love but it wouldn't even be you're jewish it's just that you're rich i fetishize fetishize money not

religion okay i have some tact i go by the rules of ronald okay people i'm not following your fetish rules okay the next one feel free to fetishize me everyone of the internet robin is my favorite one so far because she has this like kind of christian voice but yeah kind of and she sort of looks like a like a sort of a chunkier biracial helen slater you know she looks kind of like a happy go lucky winnie the pooh a eeyore and he doesn't know why he's like even more depressed now it's like kind of dumb and depressed and then wearing ball gowns and stuff that don't look right but i still call it wedding gowns is her wedding gown i know but when she's giving her uh talking heads she's wearing some red sparkly ball gown and i don't know why it's so funny to me but it is i know they all wear them

i actually feel like robin seems super cool i feel like i would want to hang out with her and she seems like she was sort of dragged onto the show you know probably because she has a weird living arrangement with her ex you know but like she seems a little out of place she looks like that bridesmaid who is the only one that doesn't fit right in the bridesmaid's ex you know but like she seems a little out of place she looks like that bridesmaid who is the only one that doesn't fit right in the bridesmaid's dresses you know and you're like well i'm glad that that made the one the head bridesmaid what do you call her the maid of honor i'm glad it made the maid of honor look good but you know that girl has to wear it too can't we add some cardigans or something to this you know come on take all the girls into account jerks the

one thing with her though is i do feel like if you went out to a group dinner with her, you have to always be explaining things from the menu to her. She'll be like, wait, what's that? Prosciutto? Is that cheese? No, Robin. It's like a cured meat. Cured like salami.

Sort of. Well, it's like a... Why was it sick? I don't want to order sick meat. Like, is it good? Or is it like... Should I get... Yeah yeah just try it okay but will you eat it it's like robin enough but just in case i don't like it i'm gonna get a

caesar salad and wait a minute what's voice voice that's what grah it's like it's weird it's like i don't feel like she's stupid but i feel like at a restaurant she would just have so many questions you know she's like a restaurant questioner like you just have to be like robin just order just order the burger fine i don't want to be that one who wears a burger robin just from being a waiter i can tell that she's the kind of person that you go okay you guys ready and she says yeah wait wait other question does this come with like rice on the side no oh could it not really oh oh i'm gonna need another minute i'm sorry wait what does it come with wait you said it doesn't come with right yes robin do you have anything that's sauteed in dr pepper this girl i don't know what that means this girl says she's in pr and she's another one he's like i'm a free spirit i don't feel the need

to live up to potomac stand standards standard she says it weird i wrote it weird standards she's a pr person and she says why would i want to be a stuffy penguin in a law office? I'd rather look like a stuffy penguin in plaid in a home office. I'm like, you're literally shuffling around like a stuffy penguin right now. Like, not, maybe just, just stop. Just stop this girl. I just like the idea of her watching Happy Feet and getting repulsed by it all. No, this is not the life I want.

If that's global warming, I'll take it. I don't want to be of Selfie Penguin dancing. Like, I just want to dance in my own way. I'm not going to follow Potomac choreography. Isn't it funny to think that the director of Mad Max Fury Road also is the director of Happy Feet? Just a side note. Something to think that the director of Mad Max Fury Road also is the director of Happy Feet? Just a side note. Something to think about. All that water he wasted in shooting that movie after making a fucking global warming movie with penguins.

Come on, man. Have some sense. Wait a second. What's Mad Max? Why is Max mad? All right. He can still live here. mad max no why is max mad all right he can still live here but the thing is that like i also feel like robin would ask all these questions but then crack a joke that would make you like laugh and

then you'd be like oh well that's just robin you know she's cool she just you know she just asked a lot of questions at dinner um one of my favorite things is when they have a new black show but apparently all white editors yes next up giselle comes over to see uh to see this chick whatever her name is robin giselle comes over and she goes you getting married and they put subtitles on it in case no one understands what married is come on come on people she says you getting married because she's uh selling her wedding she's gonna sell her wedding dress on yeah her wedding dress on ebay or something yeah so they're talking about the wedding dress blah blah blah and robin got divorced from her husband and robin's one of those

who just says her lines but she's like pissed that she has to say them and she says i'm not a penguin no penguin can see your lines or a parrot one uh i was married to one and he was like you know great but then he cheated on me and that goes to show you that's what happens when you marry a man in the nba instead of a man with an nba yeah that was that was that was a grown right there and then when she said that yeah but we still live in the same house and we actually still share the same bed it's not you know it's not traditional but it's like it works for us so so he comes down and he's all disgusted he's like gross get rid of it and then leaves he's like why are you in the wedding dress when you were supposed to see it one the ever so charming first scene of the husband who does not give a shit he's like throw it away yeah clear him i love that and then giselle's trying to make a big drama out of it and she's

like but how do you feel about this marriage she's like who cares like oh we don't have that passion anymore but like it's really cool that he's, like, I guess here. Because, I mean, if he wasn't here, then he just wouldn't be here. Okay, good argument. Now we get to hear you talk a lot more. You know, if he starts dating other women, like, I'd be okay with that, I guess. You know, I'd be fine. No, you would not be.

You would be angry. Don't even. Of course. And Giselle's like, when she's ready to talk about it, I'm here. Whatever. So Karen. Yeah, that was about Charisse. Karen is the one I was saying looks like Dwight.

You know what it is? I just realized why I was getting Mika off of her. Was it Mika or Micah? Micah. The reason why I was getting Mika off of her. Was it Mika or Micah? Micah. The reason why I was getting Micah off of her is because they actually talk very similarly, which makes sense because Micah is actually from Maryland. So they have sort of a similar accent. And so the accent was making me project a lot of Micah onto her. But they also have similar mannerisms.

So Karen is like the old diva that already on our facebook page facebook.com forward slash watch what crap happens um a lot of people are hating karen but i don't know i kind of love her i mean i think she i love you know i love a hottie bitch i really do even if she's on the wrong side of the argument even though if later on she's being totally ridiculous i still think she's hilarious everything that came out of her mouth was so fucked up and terrible and rude and shallow and wrong and hateful and disgusting and misguided. I was like, oh, I love her. Perfect casting. Exactly.

I mean, she's trying to wear her housewife's dress, you know, her shiny tight dress. That girl looked like trying to fit a five-gallon paint into a pillowcase, you know? It was, like, spilling all over. It was kind of like one of the – it's not even fat. I'm not calling her fat. I'm just saying, like, I don't know. That shit was not flattering. It was just all over the place. It's like trying to sit a newborn baby on a couch

you know like just sit up there's a reason those things have structure you know because they can't sit up they just fall over like a lump of jelly yeah i know you know the thing i think one of the things that really won me over is that she exudes during her interviews a i don't give a shit attitude she's just sort of like whatever like you can try to come for me, you know, you can't And that's the smartest way To go about being on one of these shows So even though she gets into a ridiculous Argument, which we'll get into later

I still was sort of like, oh she's hilarious Because she has this She has this vibe, like, whatever You know, I don't care I'll fight with her, who cares I'm still having fun, you know I am sorry to i'll fight with her who cares i'm still having fun you know i am sorry to body shame but i cannot get over just her general spillage i was obsessed with it i made notes all over this about just general body spillage like at one point she was turning to

somebody and her like part of her turkey neck was hanging over a wisp of hair it didn't even make sense like the terror the hair wasn't tied around her neck i was hanging over a wisp of hair it didn't even make sense like the terror the hair wasn't tied around her neck i was like how is that thing even coming over the hair it's hair like here's hair moves it's like a kleenex how is it spilling over a wisp of hair it's so confusing now there's a mystery netflix well she well she um she was pretty covered up in this premiere episode, but they did show a picture of her with her kids. And she's got gigantic fake boobs. And I think that's contributing to her awkwardness in these dresses and why they don't fit right. And her future scoliosis.

So this lady, I have to go over what she said in her first scene because what a dick this lady is. Yes, yes. She opens by saying my husband is the rich bill gates or no he's the black bill the rich bill gates hello he's the black bill gates um bill gates may be rich as hell bill gates is also the whitest person in the world is there a steve jobs maybe is there anybody else why would you pick bill gates and you know who we never do you know who nobody even knows the name of bill gates's wife why are you picking her and then she says she yes of course she went after a rich man but

you know it's just as easy to marry a poor man as a rich man, but she's never met a happy poor man. And by the way, here, I, of course, while you were discussing this, I, of course, did some Googling, and here is the story on this guy. His name is Raymond Huger, and he worked as a senior executive at IBM for 25 years, which is pretty cool, before starting his own company, the Paradigm team, which is an IT company.

And then five years after he started it, that's when he married Karen. And he took Paradigm public and sold it to a government contractor, and he is worth $40 million. But to be fair, Bill Gates is worth $79.2 billion. Yeah, Max Vanderpump is worth $40 million. I know.

Come on, lady. Yeah, I mean, obviously he's very successful and very bright. I don't even care how rich he is. I know the man is brilliant because Red Fox has figured out a way to live until 2016 i was like whoa but you're doing well but he's still moving along over there he didn't look like red fox to you he looks good to me he yeah i guess he did look sort of red foxy i guess he did you're killing me here dude like get comfortable already my fucking dog's like trying to rearrange himself, so I'll pet him more.

Like, stop. Just calm down, alright? You get the pets you get, Beeler. Alright, darling. I'm worth 40 million dollars, Beeler. I've never known a happy poor dog. So, what else did she say that was awful? Wait, I just, I have to stop the presses for a moment. I'm having a very

Watcher Crappets moment, because on this website where I just read this from, they have all these links about all the husbands for The Real Housewives of Pot presses for a moment I'm having a very Watcher Crappets moment Because on this website where I just read this from They have all these links about all the husbands For the Real Housewives of Potomac Which I'm not going to click on But apparently the name of the girl Who we talked about who is not on the show yet Her name is Ashley Darby It is like a dawn

A treasure dawn explosion Ashley Darby Darby Darby your dawn explosion and she talks like this like why are you guys being mean to me Dobby oh my god I cannot wait till Thursdays because I love talking Dobby so much I know me too even after we finished that long ass podcast

Thursday I got off and I was like oh I forgot to say that thing about Dobby really there's more so she's saying oh we're happy and after 19 I forgot to say that thing about Dobby. There's more. So she's saying, oh, we're happy.

And after 19 years of marriage, I still have to try and keep that romance alive. I was like, oh my God, it's like a hot tub without walls. I can just imagine. And then she was saying, I'm just like, show up in a burqa.

I think that will probably, that will probably help the romance. She probably wouldn't even fit well in the burqa. He's like, I love your slit, baby. Yeah, the burqa's all tight. He's like, your eyelids are spilling over your eye slit, baby. She's talking about how many women want her man, how hot her man is. And I wrote, LOL, what?

And I wrote it W-u-t okay that's how shocked i was that she said that i'm like lol what yeah that's uh well you know karen you can just we'll let karen have her have her have her delusions although in this group of women she's not really wrong i mean two of them so the first two women we met the first lady's divorced giselle's divorced right yeah so that was a preacher who cheated on her okay then the next one was robin husband cheated and she's still living with him and raising the kids with him so that's a sucker the third one the third one is some old hag who married oh yeah katie's dating a gay man after most likely getting cheated on let's face it because she didn't want to talk about it and you don't just leave for after four months unless something bad happened you know

and then so so far three women three loser men and then we get to this old slag who married somebody because he was rich so that don't count and then we'll go on but i don't think any of them have very and then one whose husband is never there and who isn't even worried about him cheating because he's all old and haggard which was hilarious too so yeah she probably is right people just need a husband i think okay so giselle so now yes so now we go to a restaurant right is that what that what you're going to go to? I'm writing Giselle stares to her house. Karen visits and stilts. Oh, yeah, that scene.

Sorry. What was this? My notes are so crazy. So Karen goes to visit Giselle, and she's walking up the staircase, like the pathway to the door. And Karen's like, Lord have mercy. Jesus Christ. This is what

she was like going crazy so she like could not deal with the flagstones so they uh she goes over and then they just have tea and they're just like chatting and and we know giselle's gonna be really classy because she's acting all class you know these women act so classy it's cracking me up but she answers the door in this cream colored, but her black bra is hanging out the back. And I was like, oh, Friana, I love you. Well, I do think they are classier than the Atlanta women. I really do. I'm not comparing them. I'm just saying

they ain't as classy as they think. True. So they have tea, and basically Karen's bragging about her daughter. Please tell me they weren't eating on a daybed futon. Okay, go ahead. It did sort of look like that, actually.

They were in this small room. So Giselle was saying how her daughters are going to start doing something with a ballet company. And Karen's like, oh, darling. My daughters have done that, too. She's very Jasmine Guy-ish. Jasmine Guy, that's it.

She's one of those celebrity mashups of... Jasmine Guy meets Eartha Kitt or something. Good call. It is totally Jasmine Guy. She's very Whitley. Her whole demeanor is Whitley. And then when she's called on her bullshit, she'll do what Whitley did. Cry about having daddy issues or something.

I looked up Kadeem Hardison. Hardison, right? I looked him up the other day, and he's gotten real old looking, and I'm sad. So anyway, so basically Karen is just like one-upping. And we see it's sort of like early seeds of a good frenemy situation. Nothing really happens in the scene except that. Giselle wants to know why her cookies didn't win at Karen's baking competition. Yeah, and she said, I can't be biased.

I'm like, what the hell is going on in this town? She's like, girl, you know I've been mad at you since you didn't vote for my cookies in that cookie contest. I'm so mad that I made you cookies to eat. I'm like, what? And they kind of look like Ralph's cookies you know like store bought cookies and Karen's like judging them well I mean Ralph's cookies are good

but Karen's like judging them as she eats them and then Karen tells us when I stepped into this leadership role I knew it was my responsibility to bring up new black women what leadership role have you stepped into you married some rich dude for his money you old slag get out of here leadership role shut the fuck up i know um so then um

dinner with strippers they go to dinner yeah so basically it's karen's birthday dinner so all the women get together giselle and katie are there first um and they're talking about um and then i guess and robin comes to but at some point they start talking about robin's wedding dress and um i guess so giselle tells katie that robin is selling her wedding dress because she has sons and there's no one to pass it down to so she can sell it and so katie's like well what if her sons are gay i'm like you bitch like just because you're gay does not mean you want to get married in a wedding dress yeah they say a lot of really ignorant things in this she course she does course correct she's like

you know or as a drag queen you know but like like what are you talking about like like just because we're gay doesn't mean we want to hop into a wedding dress crazy lady this is katie who said that right yeah that was katie well you know that i i guess i just didn't get mad at it because i figured it's good that she's this ignorant about what gay people are because she's about to find out yeah exactly yeah i didn't get mad i just thought it was like one of those like eye-rolling sort of funny, ridiculous. Yeah. She's a fucking idiot, basically.

But it was, of course, it was perfect because she is dating a gay man. I love that the coach's wife, what's her name? Charisse. She describes herself. She's like, I have bad philanthropics. And I'm doing this with my voice because she doesn't talk this. It's not this bad. This is exaggerated. But she got teeth that this it's not this bad this is exaggerated but she got

teeth that are too big like she got new teeth and they're too big for her mouth and it was cracking me up i'm like girl you can brag all you want to but the grill doesn't fit the car okay but keep talking well i like how like everyone was calling themselves philanthropic everyone's like obsessed with etiquette and philanthropy they're like well i'm very you know i did a lot of philanthropy like i'm just philanthropic i'm like all right just everyone calm down i also like that this lady with the two big teeth i like that she leans back in her chair like pregnant candy that was just cracking me up i'm like relax over there regina what the hell She was like leaning back. Just her hands are crossed over her stomach with her big implant teeth. She sort of looked like a little cartoon hippo to me.

And I don't mean that. I'm not saying it in a fat shaming way. Just in the way that a cartoon hippo is kind of cute and has very circular features. That's what she looked like to me. But also very Uzo Aduba. and very fake manners which i love because she's one of the rudest bitches on this show to me yeah so what's funny is that fucking rude and then she's talking about manners this and that but she doesn't follow anybody else's manners but she's got her own rules and her manners are manners of matters and etiquette and etiquette and manners blah blah blah

she's one of those. But what's funny is that during the scene at first, I really liked her. I was like, oh, my God, I like this Charisse. Like she's funny. I actually was sort of enjoying her talk about manners because this is before we discovered that she's like ridiculous. So I was like on board with Charisse. I was like, yeah, I like Charisse. I was like, I like everyone.

And you know what's funny? I'm looking at my notes right now, and I swear to God, when I was making those jokes about Robin asking lots of questions at a restaurant, I had totally forgotten that she did this, that when charcuterie played a rave, she goes, what is that kind of stuff called?

She literally did it. She literally did it. And then they go, charcuterie. And of course, Giselle's like can can we call it a coochie tower oh god god this is god god so when they order god can you hear me saying god over and over again god help us and so when they ordered the food that's when that was the first time charise started to get a little pissy she's like she's like you do not order food before the guest of honor arrives i'm like well i mean i get she's saying, but I think it's okay to get like a bite.

Especially if she's 30 minutes late. You're talking about manners. Strippers come out every 20 minutes. Okay. And the guest of honor is late. And this girl doesn't know what charcuterie is. And Robin, when the waiter comes over to order, Robin's like, And Robin, when the waiter comes over to order, Robin's like, um, I'll take a skeezer salad and some french fries and a club sandwich.

And do you have pizza by the slice? Okay. Barbecue, roll, beef, fries. Robin's that bitch who orders 20 things and then expects to split the bill evenly at the end of the night. So then. You can tell I did improv last night. I'm all paranoid about going to dinner with anybody. I'm like watching what everybody eats. I ain't getting stuck with that bill.

Improvisers. Yeah. So then Karen shows up late. And the music gets very serious. Because Charisse moves out of the booth. So that way Karen can get in. But Giselle does not. So the seating arrangement is Robin,

Katie, Giselle, Karen, Cherise. And everyone's like, oh my god. Well, basically only Cherise is like, I can't believe that Giselle did not give Karen the center spot at the table. Oh my god. Oh my god. They're like a tiny booth. It does not make a difference

whatsoever. And they're all facing each other it like does not make a difference whatsoever and they're all facing each other it's so stupid and since when is the since when is the special spot the center of the table in the middle of the booth that's like the worst place to get stuck i guess yeah it would be the best because they're thinking of it as community theater so she's at center stage but the head of the table is where you sit you dumb hoes like for all these girls talking about manners to think that being in the center of the booth squashed in between everybody else is that head of the table is just stupid it doesn't make any sense these people you're also it's just it's only five people and you're sitting sort of around a triangle

so everyone's close to each other it's only matters if you're a big long table then maybe yes you want you want to have the the the guests of honor in the middle so that they could be like you know be able to talk to everyone all at once but you're at a booth like calm down and so karen's uh like potomac etiquette lesson number one when karen hubert arrives at an event where she is being honored please don't sit in my seat i love the rules of potomac yeah don't sit in karen hubert's seat don't sit in the center of the booth look everybody in potomac is going to totally change what if it is like that in potomac it's like it's your birthday so everybody has to get up on both sides of the booth to let you squeeze in and then just to be an extra diva you have to go to the bathroom five times so everybody has to get up yeah let you out the weirdest rules i know like i didn't

see a little piece of paper in the middle of that booth saying reserve for karen huger i'm sorry so they started talking about sharice's coach husband now i think that sharice and um drag bitch what's her name? Karen. Karen. Yeah. So Giselle and Karen are the only one with husbands, I believe, at this point. And they're both old men. No, Giselle.

No, Sharice and Karen. Sharice and Karen. That's what I meant. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just about to talk about Giselle. So Sharice and Karen are the only ones with husbands left. They're both old men. One is trying to convince us that young men are trying to sleep with Red Fox.

And the other one's husband is always gone because he coaches a team in Jersey. Well, look, anyone who's been married that long, especially to an old man, and especially to a coach who's always shouting orders even at home. I've known a few. You're glad when that fucker's gone. She's like, see ya. I've got the whole house to myself. I can do whatever i want

nobody bosses me around but the other ladies are trying to make this this drama and giselle's like are you sure you're okay with your husband always being gone i mean something's got to be done about it yeah she's like this is so this is just like a one year thing right like he's coming back right yeah because if it's five years then you've got to change something's got to change i'm like you're divorced so be quiet yeah and i love though but karen though is like i think it's hot as hell i'm like yes nothing is hotter than a long distance relationship with rutgers you just base uh yeah like ah you know it's so sexy? An obligation to Rutgers University. That is so sexy as fuck. So then they start giving speeches to Karen. And she's looking like, now, who's going to give the best speech?

And Sharice, the speeches are basically lame. But I thought it was funny that nobody could really come up with anything good to say. Sharice is like, this is for my friend, Karen. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are

so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th.

Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make

The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you Thank you. I just have nothing to say and then giselle starts making old jokes or whatever so anyway what's next i'm getting bored so then we go so charise announces at this dinner that she's gonna have a crab boil and so now we go we're sort of segueing into the crab boil thing charise is getting her home tidy she now she has like a funny moment here. And this was like the last moment where I was like, yeah, Charisse.

She was saying how when she first came to Potomac, no one would talk to her because they thought she was Section 8. And then when they found out that she was the wife of like the Washington Wizards coach, they all of a sudden wanted to invite her to all these lunches. She's like, no, I'm not going to lunches. I'm Section 8. invited her to all these lunches she's like no i'm not going to lunches i'm section eight okay that's funny that you liked her because that's when i was like this is a raging cut fitness at this point and sure enough she repeats welfare jokes and how she's not on welfare i thought it was a funny it's it like 10 times through the show and but at that point though at that point i mean so actually one of our listeners lance hi – hi, Lance. He made a comment on our Facebook page like shut the fuck up all these women who are like trying to – like these black women trying to put down other black women to show that they're something special and they've just been hired for being black.

I don't think that this was an instance of that. I think she was just making – I think that's a funny observation and being like, oh, you're not going to talk to me because I'm poor. And then people want to like – then all of a sudden she's up to accept it she's like oh i don't want to do that i'm poor i don't want to be part of it you know i thought that was like a funny like turn of phrase observation i was like yay charise and then from that point on she went downhill yeah it's just that she repeated welfare shit i think 10 times during the show and i was like this woman has some kind of ish about feeling poor and on welfare. I don't know if her family comes from that. I don't know what her deal is, but she's got some kind of insecurity about it, which makes me want to dig way deeper into her.

But she doesn't really seem that deep. It just got on my fucking nerves because I thought, who do you think is watching this show? It's not like a bunch of rich people sitting around watching it. It's like us poor people sitting at home watching TV. You better stop with your post-shaming. Well, I don't know, but it's interesting. It's interesting. Obviously, neither of us are black people,

but we've talked a lot of times on the bonus episode or even on the main episode about being gay and how we've talked about with fashion queens how sometimes it rubs us the wrong way because people get this, like this impression that like all gay people are like that. And so I feel like I can actually understand on some, on some level,

this notion of being black and having people assume that you're on welfare and you want to be like, no, I'm not on welfare. I'm not like, don't just automatically lump me into that. So I feel like I get that impulse to almost make these jokes the way we make jokes about like super queenie gay people sometimes about not even about them but like

people's assumption that all gay people are like that all gay people want to wear a wedding dress for their weddings you know it's it's like yeah but at the same time even though that's annoying to us we're two gay guys with a bravo for fuck's sake. So we are stereotypes even though it bugs us. I don't know. I didn't really think of it as a black thing when she said it. I thought it was just poor shaming. I don't really like it. Well, it is poor shaming.

But I'm just saying that it's – while it's not nice, I can also – I guess I'm just sort of playing devil's advocate a little bit where I can sort of understand some of the, the, the, the meant, the mentality that goes into making those jokes. Why, you know,

it's like that on some level, it's like frustrating. Like where the insecurity would come from. If I'm saying exactly about it. Yeah, I get you. But then she says it again. Potomac doesn't define me i define potomac

what what does that even mean go ahead then define it please because i'd love to hear your definition stupid okay so now giselle and her gay come and i don't know if they got this guy off the set of real housewives of atlanta or what but no he was well an atlanta gay comes to potomac no i didn't i actually disagree with you that i did not think he was like an atlantic atlanta gay i thought he was he was like because the atlanta gays and that see now here it comes now here comes like the here comes the gay shaming from the gays the atlanta gays tend to be just super over the top flamboyant this guy was just like cracking jokes i thought he was like loud and he was cracking jokes but he was definitely he was not like the second coming of miss lawrence there is no second coming of miss she comes she stays um so they're going up everybody on this

show has to have some awful way to get into their homes i don't know why no one just has like it's true way to walk into their fucking house you gotta climb up a hill swim through a forge go through a castle like jesus christ you gotta go through a hill to get to this house and so they're coming to visit because they have to cook her crabs for the crab bake and then it's just funny i thought because they were like they had this giant bucket of crabs and they and then sharice like spills them all on the garage floor and sharice is already talking about etiquette to the crab she's actually trying to teach the crab etiquette lesson now a crab of potomac does not just pinch any person you have to know who you're pinching we need to wait for

the crab of honor before you start pinting people. There is a code. She starts talking about her etiquette because Giselle brought her friend, her help to the party to do her hair. But to be fair, she's going to get her hair done after she cooks the food for your party. It was just so weird. It's like trying to start a fight

and calling someone rude when she's actually making them cook the food. she's like well i don't do this so this is your job so i'll be upstairs while you cook my food so then she goes upstairs and gets her hair done by three people before you before you even say that i just want to say technically i think technically it is rude to just bring someone that you didn't say was coming etc etc so technically she's right but i think in this case you know when they are allegedly like good friends it shouldn't be that much of an issue and second of all she's cooking your crabs for you she's like doing you a big favor so maybe let it slide i just she's already starting right at the beginning with her fucking

etiquette she's mentioned etiquette already she's mentioned welfare twice and etiquette i think five times and she's trying to redefine potomac but not telling me how there's nothing you can say that will get me on this bitch's side so far hate yeah by the way in the midst of this we should mention there was a brief like little scene with katie where she's getting her kids ready with her gay boyfriend and she says that she really loves him because he's really good with money i was like oh wow you're just you're just coming right out with it good for you and then a scene with robin and her kids fighting and i was like so basically this whole thing is beat your children yeah so anyway so back to the crab crab

crab gate 2015 charise guess what she's talking about bad etiquette with her three makeup people who are paid to listen to her ass um so then downstairs giselle and her gay are just trying to be funny i guess and make a scene like going through the drawers trying to find a pot i think but i think that they also were trying to find shit. They were just trying to find a spatula. Yeah, but they were banging stuff around, being funny and partying. And then upstairs, stupid Charisse again says, this is not how you act in Potomac.

Maybe the ghettos. I'm like, oh, really? How many ghettos do you know that people are walking around thousand square foot kitchens looking for a pot? Stupid woman. Shut up. Exactly. Well, she was mad because at one point Giselle started yelling for the housekeeper.

I forget what the housekeeper's name was. But she was sort of like yelling but in that joke yell thing. Like, get over here. She was like, we need a pot. We need something to cook the crab it was obviously like a joke because then like like giselle and her gay friend and housekeeper were all in the kitchen like literally like doubled over laughing over like this joking or whatever you know they were joking and having fun and cherise is like she cannot be yelling at my house lady like that she cannot be doing that oh she's making her act she's never acted like this before she doesn't

pay her that's not that's not nice to be oh and then she's saying she said something about the friend where she said and who comes upstairs with the sous chef like dissing him for being a sous chef when he's cooking your food are you suddenly it's freaking like devil wears prada you're not allowed to come up the stairs in meryl streep's house okay like calm down i mean i can I can sort of, again, there are like shreds of logic to what Sharice is saying. Like, I don't really know this guy. Please don't bring him into my bedroom.

But really, she's really overreacting, you know? Or she could have also just been like, can you guys just hold on? I'm almost done. Or, oh, I'm actually okay. Not like, you better get downstairs otherwise I'm kicking you out of my house. Yeah, you've got five minutes. Whatever. just hold on i'm almost done or oh i'm actually okay not like you better get downstairs otherwise i'm kicking you out my house like yeah no you've got five minutes whatever so karen comes and again

stupid karen everything is like has to be tailored to her except her clothes so she's trying to come up the walk and of course it's like up a hill through a valley down a stream up a tree and she's wearing stilts to get there and she's wearing stilts you know there's a reason that they don't put i don't know big things on stilts why are you walking in stilts you cray so she's trying to go up this driveway in stilts and it's this really dramatic music and it's just her trying to walk up which is hilarious and she goes having she goes why can't you just take me to the door and And they say, no, you have to go. You just walk up there, and then we take your car.

She goes, I have to walk up the drive? And they're like, yeah. So then just dramatic music, and her, like, on her shaky-ass bright pink stilts. And she goes, I'm going to have a talk to Charisse about this. Is there a tram? Is there a tram where you can take a gondola? Okay. She's going to have her entire house entire house like her entire front yard rebuilt for you stupid yeah stupid but um yeah so then so then there's uh so then there's like a lot of scuttlebutt about giselle and her man going up the stairs whatever

and karen is like who in the hell walks around with the help in a private event? And for some reason, it was such like a... She's so wrong, and yet I totally guffawed. I'm sorry. She makes me laugh, even when she's on the wrong side of the argument. So funny. She's looking for a fight. Now, we've got some other rando in here who's a friend.

Also, I have to say, just extra, extra judging. Like, literal extras judging. As the party started to arrive i was like oh no you've got like all the housewives in these ball gowns and then everybody else in like laura ashley and like dillard's clearance it's like oh no this is not a housewives so they're trying to make it this big fancy thing not working so friana goes over to have a talk with karen to tell her about you know terrible bangs and how could she treat me like this and blah blah blah and then karen and this new rando friend who we don't know yet karen's like well it is rude to be bringing the help to a party and giselle's like wait what she's trying to get them on her side

and they're not at all. And then Rando's like, oh, this is not happening. We are not doing this in her home. And then she runs up to Tattletail to the other, to Charisse, who's still upstairs getting her hair done while guests are downstairs. I mean, for crying out loud, Giselle is the one who's greeting people, welcoming them into

the house because Charisse wasn't there. And also, we have to go back a little bit, which is not like a huge amount, but when they were making the crabs, Charisse, like, Charisse just goes upstairs. She doesn't say, oh, I'll be right back, or whatever. She, you know, like,

and then she's mad at them for, like, banging around in the kitchen like you left them there to cook and now giselle is welcoming people into this party it's practically giselle's party at this point and then so now she's up there while the party's in full swing and this girl goes telltaleing and then now sharice is furious i'm like you know what sharice you really just have to settle down so then karen is not done she's come with a frame she's typed out her rules of etiquette when attending a birthday party yes so she's typed it out badly in some stupid font and then framed it with some cheap ass frame and she's like i've got this for you i've got a gift

and so they're trying to shade each other and well karen's because karen is brought back up the table situation she's like you sat in the center of the table, first of all. And then Giselle's like, what the fuck? And Karen's like, you're not the honoree. I'm like, this was not an awards luncheon, okay? You did not just get a Lifetime Achievement Award for breasts and Potomac, okay? You were at a birthday dinner at a burlesque restaurant. Yeah, the only fitting here is that your birthday was at a stripper restaurant.

You shut up over there. And I did type, I can tell, though, that she's really mad because she's getting Lou Ferrigno veins. Like, at this point, they've morphed from Kyle Botox veins to just straight up Lou Ferrigno about to bust out her own head. Number one, the host isn't. By the way, she didn't even know she was supposed to be mad until sharice told her later she wasn't mad at the dinner okay so um number one the host is in charge and giselle goes the host was late number two wait for the honoree to arrive and she goes we never would have eaten oh we would have been starving nobody would eat anything they would

have closed by the time your ass got there and she goes 30 minutes is par for the course if you have any framed etiquette posters in your house your friends have typed you have totally normal in etiquette oh fuck off yeah um oh so this other the rando is called brene um brene like re, but with a B at the beginning. It's like Bryn and A, Brene. So blah, blah, blah. We'll skip her. So they keep going over these rules. Did I miss the last three? Because I'm sure they had to be amazing, but I didn't write them down.

I don't even remember them. I think they just were at that point. They were just fighting. And that's when Karen said, you know, people come for me all the time. They just don't find me, which, again, I liked. I mean, I should not be liking Karen so much, but she just cracks me up. you know people come for me all the time they just don't find me which again i liked even i mean karen like i should not be liking karen so much but she just cracks me up how could they miss you because she did that because she was you know she was sipping water while she said that and i just

love i love when when bitches are shady while they're sipping water i just love it in a water bottle like she's not even putting in the martini glasses like normal you know she's like a water bottle with a she's like adjusting herself getting comfortable being shady i love that one of the reasons i can never truly like this bitch is because she says black bill gates again but then she says come on i mean you're sitting here amongst a group of women who are self-made name one yeah name one including yourself get the fuck out of here. None of you are self-made.

Shut the fuck up. Lies. Lies. You're all full of crap. None of you have proper etiquette. And I can't wait to watch the rest of your season. Well, I thought the one thing that was interesting was that Charisse says towards the end of the episode, one of the reasons why she's mad at Giselle is that she has come over like millions of times,

but she's never acted this way ever before and I couldn't help but wonder if she was suggesting that Giselle was acting up for TV and that's why she was really mad not that Giselle was making noise but that Giselle was putting on a show for the cameras that's that was my little conspiracy theory and that's why she was really mad which is which is a different thing and that would be annoying yeah except that you're getting three hairdressers to do your hair for tv while making her cook your food for tv you know shut up and why is everyone dressing up for crab boil for crying out loud it's a crab boil like everyone's like you know giselle has her rihanna hair on charise isisse is getting her hair and makeup done.

Put on a t-shirt. Have y'all never heard of quesadillas? So let's move on to the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Yay! Which, ironically, headed right up to the Potomac region. Maybe not so ironically.

I'm sure it was intentionally crossed over that way. Oh, Atlanta. So, 2D is officially on my fucking nerves, okay? She's been on my nerves a little this whole time. I really haven't been digging her at all. This time, over it. Officially over her. She needs to go. Clear her.

Well, I... Like I always say, I actually think she's a better addition to the cast than she seems because she's past aggressive and she's like a different type of personality. So I like that she's there. But, yeah, she is, you know, she's great. Next week she goes to town with Kenya. So she might earn it back next week. But this week, shut up. Shut up over there.

Because she's just as egomaniacal as the rest of them. She's just as self-involved as the rest of them. She thinks her shit don't stink just like the rest of them. But it's almost worse because she's putting herself above everybody else. Like she's above this. You are not above this. We saw your office in a strip mall with your flat screen. Shut up over there, toots.

That's what I like about her. So the episode begins with Phaedra announcing that they're all going to go to dc and she calls up kim fields to uh invite her and her kids along and so kim's reaction is sounds like the ultimate play date i mean you could just pretty much just like hear her orgasming over the phone like ultimate play date like this is going to be the biggest carpool we have ever done oh my, my God. Sebastian, get your seatbelt on. Million man carpool. There are going to be so many cars sitting in traffic trying to get to that march. I cannot wait to sit there. It's the only minute of peace I get.

I am getting three library books out for this one. Phaedra's not really designed Aiden's room very promisingly because, look, life is full of symbols, okay? If you really look around for the signs, you can see them. I do not like that she put Charlie Brown chevrons as his wallpaper. Charlie Brown is depressed and bald. Also, chevron. It's a gas station. Higher standards, Phaedra.

Come on. And then Aiden farts. I don't know why I wrote that down. standards, Phaedra. Come on! And then Aiden farts. I don't know why I wrote that down. And Phaedra wants to go to Million Man March because she knows a bunch of politicians, and they can help her with Save Our Sons.

Yeah. Well, and then also Apollo called. Oh, yeah, and Apollo called, and they make it look like she's about to swipe to the left or whatever. She's like, ignore, but then they don't show. You've got to love this show, that they make um a big cliffhanger will she press ignore or not um 2d has to go alone monuments carpools apollo calls collect i did get sad when Apollo called collect because Aiden looked like he he looked stressed when they said

Apollo's on the phone like he knew I don't know which of course you would feel sad but I don't know it made me feel sad I don't even know how to explain it well poor little Aiden I mean Aiden's so sweet and so like wonderful I just I just feel sad because you just know at some point all of this is going to start affecting him in a negative way unfortunately and so it's just sort of sad to just to know that corruption's down the line speaking of todd and candy so todd and candy are driving and todd's like well when we open when we have our baby i hope that if it's a boy, he doesn't wear open-toed sandals. I'm like, you're a man in pleather sleeves and platform shoes. Please be quiet.

Yeah, I feel like he lost all right to talk about style and fashion when he had last year's ultra-sculpted beard. After that, Todd, you just don't get to weigh in on these issues. And now with his sideways hat oh todd so todd they start talking about this family restaurant and todd goes he has a dope vision dope vision and i thought well that's actually a decent business idea follow that that's something that could actually make some money i know i feel like i've got a vision of dopes with this restaurant well i mean look with todd uh he wants to ride on someone else's success so he wants to open a restaurant and call it the old lady gang and have all the old ladies give them all their recipes and then be there to shake everybody's hands and make them like a

tourist trap or whatever the the vanderpump rule staff of um atlanta you know the instinct is not you know, because every time they show Candy's family gathering together and they're pulling the tinfoil off of these like tins full of macaroni and cheese and fried chicken and ribs. You know, I always want to eat it. You know, that should taste good. So I understand the impulse to want to capitalize off that. Yeah. I understand the impulse to want to capitalize off that. Yeah. But truthfully, his way of doing it just sounds terrible.

I mean, putting the three of them on a poster that says wanted and calling it a restaurant called Old Lady Gang. I mean, it's just like – this is like worse than anything that's come out of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. This is just terrible. I mean, do a cookbook. At least do a cookbook. Start there, okay? But, you know, this is not good. Yeah, at least he's more honest about stealing his family recipes. Teresa did it and doesn't even admit it.

She's like, no, I totally cooked this. I just, it bugs me that he's not a chef or a cook at all, but he wants to open a restaurant. He has no idea what he's no challenges so he wants other everybody else to do it for him it's just typical fucking todd and then candy's like okay so uh moving on nice song it's just a spin-off i mean i guess we know that but still yeah so um nice home nice home beautiful home and then kenya shack down a hill this was killing me that was such shady editing and so funny so she's walking around her not even close to being started house bossing around these contractors you know she got from out out from in front of the home depot

and she's like this is not how you seal a window if the rain comes it's gonna get in here i'm like if you have to tell your contractor how to cock a window you're in trouble girl yeah run and then cynthia can't even get in this door it's like a door in potomac she's like how do i get in but to be fair cynthia is baffled by many simple concepts like how do i get in this building she's like trying to like claw at bricks trying to pull them apart like we just get in this one no No, there's a door, Cynthia. What? It's like, I'm reading this book right now, Room. You know, that's a great book.

So I'm like halfway through. No spoilers. But like, but like the kid the entire time is like, wait, there's outside, outside of door. Wait, there's nothing outside door. Door is just space. What door? It's like, it's like the inner monologue of Cynthia Bailey.

I like rug beautiful book beautiful beautiful i don't even want to see the film because the lady at the golden globes who won the award they'd been making fun of the golden globes how meaningless they are all night like that was the running joke and how it's just ass kissing by old people they give you an award so they can take selfies with you. So the girl who won, I guess she plays the mom in this. She won and she starts her thank you speech. She goes, this is so amazing. Thank you all so much. And you know, Hollywood Foreign Press,

it has been just such a pleasure getting to know you. And everybody started openly laughing at her. It was so funny. I was a little mad at golden globes because i was starting to read the book and then when they introduced the movie they're like room is the story of i'm like you just kind of spoiled it i mean they didn't really spoil it really a mystery is it no but i just didn't want to know anything because i actually at that point had no idea what it was about. I had just started to read it. And it was just like a little kid being like, I like rug. Bed is my favorite.

You know, spider is my best friend. Again, it's the inner monologue of Cynthia Bailey. I was like, sunglasses are my new job. I like sunglasses. Sunglasses. Spinning round and round on a wheel. Sunglasses. Sunglasses. Spinning round and round on a wheel. Sunglasses. Sunglasses.

Bargain bin mobile station sunglasses by Cynthia Bailey. Yeah. So they talk about Kenya's mom, blah, blah, blah. Can we fast forward through that? It was nothing. It was kind of rehashing to Cynthia on what happened. Yeah, well, and then it just is like somehow cynthia's big takeaway is gosh i miss nini what it's like oh you're it's just sad yeah sad speaking of sad

let's jump on a collect call with phadra and apollo yeah so um phadra does accept the call and she's being very nice and positive in front of Aiden. And Apollo's talking to Aiden, and he says, what's been going on? Aiden's like, I got two stickers. You can't tell your dad in jail about stickers. That guy's probably getting stickers every damn morning. Can't walk straight from the stickers. Someone needs to teach Aiden how to speak to his dad.

I just was expecting it to somehow break into Aiden and be like, Daddy, what did you do? And be like, nothing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I'm stupid, Aiden.

Oh, I don't know. Oh, Aiden. So next I don't know. Oh, Aiden. So next we go over to Chudi's house. So she's talking about... Wait, I just have to say my favorite line from that moment was when Phaedra says she's talking about how she's co-parenting with Apollo and then she goes, but there's only so much parenting you can do when you're incarcerated.

I'm like, yeah, that's pretty much a huge understatement. There's only so much you can do aka basically nothing yeah basically he can just yell no means no over and over again yeah so tootie's not at her house rather she's in dc and she's like pooping or something while she's trying to explain to the kids why this is important one kid's running around like a crazy person because he's really young he's like two or something and then sebastian's like bored as hell you know he's like mom is there gonna be salt there she's like no this is about voting they're basically talking about this event and phaedra phaedra pretending that she's best friends with everybody in congress

is hilarious yeah she's like well i can't wait to see my my friend who passed that huge bill on gun things in congress great totally buying it phaedra totally buying it she's like now could you please show me what the recording studio is? I'm a big fan of Capitol Records. They're all getting on a bus to go, and Tootie is late because, you know, poop. No, because she's trying to take care of kids. And the other ones brought, like, nannies and all this hired help, whereas Tootie's, you know, got two kids, and she's Tootie. Yeah, she's Tootie. So Phaedra's like, I'm leaving a car for her because the revolution cannot wait on Miss Tootie. I love Phaedra.

I love Phaedra even though I know I shouldn't. But I still love her. I can't help it. So internal relocation. Okay, so they get to, what is it, the White House? Is that where they were? They were somewhere. They're at the Capitol.

They're at the Capitol. so they get to what is it the white house is that where they were they were somewhere at the capital they're at the capital and they the like the the chief of staff of the house of representatives goes and greets phaedra which has me very worried about the government that this is this is a priority for the chief of staff so and they take her also that lady's such a robot she's like welcome this is the great whole of the recognizance. Well, you know, she's totally the mole in 24. You know, she's the one who's like their liaison with a capital. And then it turns out she's the mole because she's like too robotic and perfect. I'm like, I've seen you.

I know your type, lady. I know. Yeah, she's that one in episode like 18. Yes. Because episode six, it's like Islamic terrorists. Then episode 12, you find out it's not islamic terrorists it's mexican terrorists then in episode 18 you're like it's not the mexicans it's not any of the brown people it's the asian girl in the white house and then in episode on top of that she has like a

small role all season long she has a small role and then all of a sudden it turns out she's like the spy and then she's at the center of the show. And then in episode 23, you find out it was all the old white guys in the government in the first place. That's every single season of that. Always, always. It happens the other way. And it's kind of true. It's like at the end, they're all Dick Cheney, but played by a different father of Angelina Jolie. Yeah, I mean, it's true.

It's like literally, it's always. It's always Cheney. At the end, it the end it's always shady which is kind of true and here we sit it's always it's always a white guy or a russian although in the later seasons they started to move an emphasis towards chinese people they're like oh wait we can make asians bad guys let's do that but they're still working with a white guy right okay guys okay take it well Okay. Take it. It's sold. Perfect. So. So then they meet. So Phaedra meets Congresswoman Frederica Wilson, who looks like she's just about to perform at some strange rodeo.

She has like this sequined red cowboy hat that's supposed to be like, I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy. She looks like a crazy woman. I'm like, this woman is working in our government right now? I'm really glad that Todd and Phaedra weren't there, because you know they would have modeled the old lady gang's outfits on hers. I know. Because she looked just like Aunt Bertha would look in that poster. Yeah.

Come on over, Matthew. She literally looked like she should have... Matthew Chee. She needed to have some white cowboy boots with fringe, you know, and a lasso that she would twirl around and start singing songs. It's like, I went to the Capitol and I told Mr. Prickins, oh damn, something. She's like the next act in Big Business when Bette Midler is milking the cow. The next one on stage is Congresswoman Wilson.

That's who it is. That's where she's performing. The country fair at Jupiter Hollow. next one on stage is congresswoman wilson that's who it is that's where she's performing yeah she'd have like one of those howdy duty dolls but her mouth would be moving the whole time you'd be like damn it this is the worst and she'd win and then bet middler would be all sad yeah so they go to this meeting is this when this meeting happens yeah so i guess they all like sit down yeah they go to a meeting with her and kim's like happens? Yeah. So I guess they all like sit down. Yeah. They go to a meeting with her and Kim's like,

I know that it's rude to be late, but I have kids. So that's an adjustment. Kim, if you know you got kids, you better wake up a damn hour early. I even have to walk Bueller. I cannot just show up everywhere half an hour late. Cause Bueller takes that long to poop.

Okay. Like I know that you have to adjust. That's what adjustment is. Waking up an extra damn hour early or getting an annie come on yeah no kim kim is wrong in the situation and it's kind of funny because because all the fights that kim has been in so far this season i've well she's been past aggressive a lot but but like a lot of times i've actually been a little bit on her side for for most of them so i've sort of like naturally taking the stance from i'm sort of

defaulting to being on her side but when you really think about it she's absolutely wrong in the situation and she's totally one of these mommies where it's like all like like above and beyond about the kids in like in a bad way you know like kids should be number one but also like kids like don't rule the roost you know like yeah your kid wake up earlier self-sufficient for christ's sake it's like the world has to stop for your kids that's what it is it's like that really annoying sanctimonious bullshit you know just how you said earlier that she's right in every fight that she's or you know you're on her side in every fight that she's been in so far she's in every fight by herself like she's not even in fights with other people. I was not on her side when she shaded Kenya about what happened in Miami.

I was not on her side about that at all. But the other times, I've kind of felt like it's been the other woman being tacky and her being like, um. But I'm changing. I'm changing my course. Changing my course. I hope she does soon because she's about to crash into a rock. So Porsche, anywhere in politics, is hilarious. And, of course, they have to show in.

They have to cut in the Underground Railroad thing, which will never get old to me. I just love it. And Porsche, a million-man march. I don't even think she knew what this thing was. She just knew there were going to be a million men outside. She thought it was a new app, actually. She's like, ooh, I thought it was September, but I guess it's March. So, okay, Million Man March.

A million men in March. I'm there. She's like, is this some sort of goal? Okay. Million Man. Portia's trying to sound all smart in this meeting. And they're talking about uh you know helping the helping the boys and blah blah blah and porsche goes yeah because men are the ones

who lead these households i was like they you're the only household led by a man on this show i know household no one else has let go. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. That's what she should have done at the Million Man March. She should have just gotten onto the mic and been like, hi, I'm Portia. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. Thank you. Hold up, hold up, hold up, hold up. It's April now.

This is over. Go home. So she said, I want to make a change as well. Oh, you about to make me do the whole Michael Jackson song, Man in the Mirror. I don't know why Portia makes me laugh so fucking much, but every single time I start cracking up with her. So the congresswoman starts going into what they need to do for the community and blah, blah, blah. And she says, people just do not like african-american boys they're stereotyped and no one has high expectations from them and to oh and a kid asked me the other day where's the jail for the white people which is so sad

and kim tootie's like oh gotta go gotta go and they're like wait where are you going you okay she's like yep just gonna have a talk about jesus real quick yeah she's like she's like you know it's okay to take the good but it's not okay to take the bad so goodbye i'm not gonna take them both so she's basically mortified that her kids are having to hear this. And Phaedra says, I don't have the luxury of sugarcoating things for my sons. Okay, look, having a husband in jail isn't something, like you don't get points for that, Phaedra.

Okay? And yes, you could sugarcoat shit for your sons. Yeah, you could. They're babies. So yeah, maybe you should maybe sugarcoat it. The way you sugarcoat it is not joining a reality show. That's how you do it. Like once your husband's going to jail, you step out of the reality show if you wanted to sugarcoat it.

And also insinuating that Kim is sugarcoating anything is ridiculous because you know she wouldn't give her kids too much sugar. She's so paranoid. She's like, you are not eating that. That is sugarcoated. No sugarcoating or no saltcoating. But I did like – I actually did like when kim was explained to sebastian the situation i mean because i can i can sort of understand that that i don't know as a parent i don't know for so for me like you can be like hey fuck in front

of a kid but i but like i don't really know what it's like to be a parent and to like know like to have been sort of like um tempering certain things or like holding them off just yet i wouldn't call it sugarcoating i mean i just don't know at what like what sebastian has been exposed to yet so obviously this is stuff that he hasn't been exposed to yet and i thought it was actually nice the way kim was explaining it in the other room etc etc but i guess my thing is what exactly do you think the million man March is about, dumb dumb? Why would you take your kids there? Like if you don't want your kid to be confronted with reality yet, that's totally understandable.

But you're at the Million Man March. Exactly. I guess she just didn't think on an intimate level that they'd be talking about like black boys going to jail and society. It's all about black men empowering i don't think it's all about black men empowering themselves no i agree i mean she should have like probably talked about the stuff beforehand but i'm just saying regardless of that i did like the way that she talked to sab i just you know what it is because i just love sebastian and i love sebastian i love sebastian too he's so cute when they were walking into that building and he's like, Ew, why do I have to be here? It's like, Congressman, who cares?

Yeah, I'm with you, kid. Speaking of making a difference in this world, we then cut to Kenya, who was welcoming Aunt Lori and her cousin Che into her house. And this was kind of like, this was actually, I thought, a very interesting very interesting scene because again it was about something real. And when the show does something – like focus on something real, it can actually be good. And so they were talking about the previous week about how Kenya showed up at her mom's house and her mom didn't answer the door.

And then Lori didn't come to the reunion and then now there's tension between them, et cetera, et cetera. So they were having a discussion about that and Laurie basically was telling Kenya like to just drop it stop trying to have a relationship with your mother and she says to Kenya like enough is enough she's like enough is enough and I couldn't help but wonder why does Laurie

say that to Kenya but she said that to Kenya but why does she not say that to her sister I mean we don't know for sure if she said what she does or doesn't say. But I get the impression that they don't stand up to this woman. Like, why is it enough to Kenya? She dropped it. Well, she dropped the clues. She said, you're just like her, which means Kenya is a little carbon copy.

So her mom's some div too. And also, the mom wanted to give the kid up for adoption, as was kind of confirmed this week. And instead, the father's side of the family took her and raised Kenya in Detroit. And then Lori took her later. So Lori's acted kind of as an adoptive surrogate mother and this and that. But I actually liked Kenya's answer because I've agreed with Lori up to now. Look, and obviously, as I said last week, because of my own family situation, and I'm projecting my own thing, which I get as my own family. But I get it. Like, you have the right to put that kid up for adoption.

And furthermore, she has the right to not have her kid raised right in front of her that she put up for adoption. If she's giving her child up for adoption, they should let her give the child up for adoption so she would have a chance. Yeah, but to ignore that this woman even exists. Yes, but then when Kenya said, I've accepted the fact that, and I agree that she had the right to give me up, it's how she went about treating me afterwards. Yes, exactly. That's exactly it. And that's what I think the issue has always been because what I was shocked to hear was that they go to family events together they go to reunions and they they go to you know whatever the events are but they cross paths and this mother does not even acknowledge kenya's presence there so it's one thing to give someone

from adoption and you don't want to have any relationship but you're crossing paths and you're not even going to acknowledge to me that is so cuckoo bananas. And I don't think that it's up to – that the obligation has to be on Kenya to say enough is enough and move on. It's up to the mother to get over herself and just at least acknowledge Kenya, at least have some conversations and just treat her like a normal human being, which she admittedly is not a normal yeah i totally agree that like the situation is just cuckoo and it's even it's so hard to put logic on it especially knowing more about it and as they talk and they keep kind of she says i love you but i love my sister too and i'm gonna stand up for her if i need to and then the cousin chay is like so you have a mother who doesn't want you okay i mean you can use my mom you've you i've shared

her for years i'm used to it and i get that it's you know kenya's in her 40s this has been going on a long time it's nothing new to them but it's just so funny like how casually it all is like of course she's crazy and of course it's ridiculous that she won't talk to you but that's her own thing you don't have to worry about it like of course it's gonna bother her but i still have to say on the other hand kenya is a wreck of a human being and the fact that she is going to her mother's house on national fucking tv with a bus outside and a camera crew and banging on this woman's door to confront her on tv is bullshit that is bullshit that is typical fame whore behavior. And I think that's why Lori's like, cut

your shit, bitch. You go to her house with a camera crew on TV unannounced? Are you fucking... Like, enough, lady. Enough already. Like, we get that your mother hurt you. No one's denying that. You totally have that right. You should own that. But what you're doing is bullshit.

And using these crocodile tears as if this isn't some national tv form of revenge is crazy well i mean i don't think it's crocodile tears but i mean you know you're right i mean this is such a like deeply sensitive family situation that they have going on and to like to ambush the mother with cameras is just not the smartest way to go about it but still at the end of the day though like really the it's it's just i i think it should be on the the owner should be on the mother to move forward more than it should be on kenya i mean kenya has to move forward too just for her own sanity for sure but i don't under it just it's it gets it irks me when she said,

I'm never speaking to her. I'm never going to claim ownership of her. And I'm not even living in the same town of her. I mean, what the hell? No, that's not moving forward. That's like holding onto like her stance,

but they're crossing paths. They see each other at events. The mother has to move forward and into finally accepting that this woman exists and was her biological daughter and can at least be polite to her. I she has i mean like just why not but like uh but i mean they both have to move forward i i just i don't like that laurie is like you can't be like a you can't say i'll be your mother and then not have this girl's back if you're gonna be someone's mother you have to then you know in a situation like this you have to have your daughter's back. If you're going to be someone's mother, you have to then, you know, in a situation like this, you have to have your daughter's back. Like, whether it's like your biological or adopted daughter.

I'm sorry. Well, Ken, you know, I think Lori knows Kenyu well enough to see exactly what she's doing. She's going with the camera crew to the mom's house, which is just not cool at this point. Like, Kenyu, I mean, I think Lori is right. She does not have the right to fucking do that no matter what has happened with her mother she has a right to talk about it she has a right to her story and tell everybody what what a bitch her mom is or just how mean you know she's not saying she's a bitch but what happened but this isn't cool this is reality show hijinks that she's bringing into the family and it's not cool and

Lori is right to tell her you better step the fuck down have a seat yeah i mean i think in terms of the ambushing you know you're yes laurie laurie is right about the i guess it's interesting it depends on how you're going to interpret it if you're going to interpret it on the literal level that the show wants you to interpret it then i say laurie is wrong if you interpret it with the reading between the lines then laurie is right it just depends on which way you want to take it i mean they're it's all it's all bullshit it could all be it could all be reading between the lines can you showed up to her house with the camera crew after she no no the reading between the lines to her mom

no no but the reading between the lines is you are forgetting that there's i'm sorry not reading between the lines saying it on face value is you are ignoring that there's – I'm sorry. Not reading between the lines. Saying it on face value is you are ignoring that there's a presence of camera crews, right? You're just a fly on the wall. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, this is Kenya. Yeah, no. What really would be helpful would be if they both just finally – like Kenya, relax. And the mom also just finally at least just said, okay, I admit that you came out of my vagina.

I will give you that i'll give you a little bit of you know acknowledgement okay i accept that i gave birth to you now don't ever come back to my home again yeah uh so kenya saying kenya turns it and i really love how laurie handles kenya because laurie's strong and kenya backs the fuck down you know like we don't see kenya back down and so we we see kenya try a couple of different ways but lori already knows kenya's ways she already knows what she's gonna say to try and manipulate the situation even though the emotions are completely legit and i agree with that on kenya's side but lori's like no no no no no no no that just basically stops her and then kenya even tries to be like yes but you would have seen that i had a moment

where the clouds were gone because i finally accepted it but you weren't even there to see it and she's like yeah whatever whatever kenya no and then she's like okay i there's forgiveness there and they hug it out or whatever although i I kind of think – oddly enough, I kind of think Kenya was right about that too, which was that Laurie – I mean, it's weird because now if we do – again, if we do the two interpretations on face value, if we pretend that there were no cameras there, if we're supposed to watch – like accept what we're seeing as what we're seeing and not read into anything about the cameras, Laurie should not have have like abandoned this family reunion thing it was like pretty obnoxious of her to do so and by her doing that she actually missed a significant epiphany for kenya so that is kind of like it is kind of sucky but then again she didn't go because she's like fuck this i'm not gonna have any more of this exploited on the camera so yeah and also she's going on a trip with kenya you know that there was like the you're not going to your mother's house talk. Yeah.

You know, and then Kenya makes a huge scene to have a family reunion and shows up at the camera crew. She was probably like this fucking girl. If she went in there, she probably would have started yelling at Kenya in front of the whole family, you know? Yeah, exactly. And she probably just did not want to do that at the family. Who knows? There is so much wrong in this story and so much like legit hurtful things all i know is this kenya situation i have sympathy i i combine sympathy and empathy because i do have both but also i know that kenya

is a raging moronic fame whoring lying manipulative cut fitness so there's only so far i'm willing to go with her she hasn't proven to be anything other than that yet so yeah fuck off kenya like i'm sorry you're sad but still fuck off yeah so someone else who also is having a really bad day is sebastian because now in dc they've they've now left the rodeo of Congresswoman Wilson. And they've headed to a luncheon somewhere else. And Sebastian is so grumpy. And he's just muttering to himself as he walks. He's like, I can't believe I have to be on this stupid trip meeting people of stupid Congress.

Who cares? They don't even have any food. No, he goes, he looks at the food and he goes, they don't even know any food No he goes He looks at the food and he goes They don't even know what I like Yeah and then Aiden's like I'm totally eating at the hotel You realize by the way these conversations Are really no different than the conversations That you would have heard from Portia and Kenya

And Cynthia and Nini On any of their vacations Like When they went to When they went to dinner in miami if like a few episodes ago it was basically the same dialogue like uh chicken i don't think that's the food i like what sort of food is this i'm gonna eat back at the hotel can't be still in the center of the table at congress eating like a whole chicken on a cutting board um so aiden sees food that blah blah blah

i'm sorry so charie kills me even though she's very like diplomatic charie this season yes really making me laugh everything she says she should take a page out of porsche's book and travel with the team let's travel team let's travel team so she goes on the bus and she's telling Tootie, I understand. You have children. I have children. You have children. I have children. So Tootie left, by the way.

You have to mention that Tootie left the luncheon with her kids because one kid was like screaming and crying. Sebastian was grumpy and bored. And she was like, you know what? We're getting out of here. This is not for kids. Which, again, is an example of like the world revolves around these kids it was not a place for kids and that kid was getting grumpy but you know just because it's not for kids doesn't mean that you can't tell them to like a quick like maybe it's harder with the toddler because the toddler needed it like

if there's going to be a march of a million french fries that are well salted that my kids can enjoy fine until then i'm staying on this bus yeah i mean i kind of see the point i know this is what i always do i'm like well i kind of see the point but it's true i do see the point if she thought like oh this is gonna be something like a kid-friendly event or whatever and i'm bringing my kids and it's really just a bunch of adults having a lunch and i can understand why she's frustrated but at the same time if it were my mom she'd be like benjamin be quiet like you know how many things i had to sit through that were like that so many leave them at home for christ's sake also i feel like she's just frustrated with this entire experience i

don't even know that it's she probably didn't want to go probably like god damn it i'm tootie and i'm on this stupid real housewives show having to fake fights with dumb hoes. I just want to sell my pregnancy to non-pregnancy and back to pregnancy day wear. That's all I want. Yeah, exactly. She's like, I thought we were going to be looking at minivans, not going to congressman luncheons. They don't even have DVD players that come back on the

come down on the back of the buffet to entertain my children. So now Mama Joyce and her crazy ass so they have a big did i miss something no i was just gonna say because i interrupted you about charre because about why to you left the luncheon so you just had to finish what you're saying oh i just think that charre is funny how she's always kind of poking bears with sticks yeah even when she's trying to be nice charre she can't help herself she's like i'm gonna go talk to tootie tootie now i get it but you don't want to be disrespectful do you want to be disrespectful don't be just like just maybe you want to come back maybe you

want to come back in the lunch and say well you're not disrespectful and she's like i'm not being disrespectful no no i wasn't saying that i'm'm just saying, you know, you're being kind of disrespectful. Don't go up against Tootie. It's not even worth it. But also don't go up against Sharae. Yeah. Yeah, I'm saying to Sharae. I'm like, go for a bigger game, you know?

Yeah. So now we go to this Candy and Todd pitching the family restaurant to the family. Mama J, crazy. Crazy. She is so crazy. now she's trying to be nice because everyone's mean to her on twitter so she's coming in she's like candy i love you so much and like jumps on her like she won something on the prices right her underarms are jiggling all over the place she's making that crazy joker smile and shaking yes like who are you dying and she goes you are so right come here dad like hugs the hell out of todd

it was so funny bizarre and candy's like uh see now mama see now mama's being nice i'm like he was like a hidden todd before but now you're like hello todd riley riley get over here look at your grandma i cannot wait for this spinoff because i love the old lady gang they are so hilarious oh they're the best todd's like so who's the best cook here and he gets them fighting i'm the old lady gang they are so hilarious oh they're the best todd's like so who's the best cook here and he gets him fighting i'm the best cook i'm the best cook and he's like good because you're all gonna be chefs in the restaurant and bertha goes yeah oh hell nah i ain't never been to jail i'm not gonna be here in a poster for sis wanted i was like, but it'll be funny. It's actually a terrible idea, and Bertha's got it right.

So good. I love Bertha. I know. I love Bertha. I love Nora. I love them all. And I'm telling you, like, when I was watching them chow down on that food, I was like, you know what? I may have to be first in line at this restaurant, even if it has the most ridiculous name and a marketing campaign that looks like one of the billboards on the way to Vegas.

Although I will say with my top chef judging without tasting attitude, that cornbread is too thin. I agree. Whoever made that cornbread, what are you doing? What, it's a sheet pan of cornbread? Never seen it? Don't want to try it? Try it again. I agree. Too big.

I'm too big of a pan for that cornbread i totally noticed that but that's the first because i love a cornbread i can make a really good from scratch cornbread love it how do you what do you do um like do you do you have like a recipe you follow you just have you just know one the best i've tried is alex cornicelli's that's the one that i make oh i think's delicious. I have one of her cookbooks. The cornbread recipe that I use is actually from the New York Times. It's Mark Bittman's, and it's really simple, really easy. It takes like 30 minutes beginning to end.

It's not as fussy as other ones. I've made Ina Garten's cheddar dill cornbread, which was delicious, but there's more to do in that one. This one is like you put some fat. I usually just put olive oil into like a little pan, like a square pan. And you put it in the oven. You preheat it with the oven. And you mix everything together and put it in there.

And 30 minutes later, you have like delicious cornbread. Yeah, cornbread is not brain surgery, but it's funny how everybody makes it so differently. Yeah. Because in the Southwest, it's very dry. It's dry. It's not not sweet and it crumbles you usually eat it with either a ton of butter or in your chili or something like that but easterners and and true and i say true southerners because southerners hate when texas people call themselves southerners but true southerners um have a sweet very cakey cornbread which i like i was surprised to see such a thin

dry looking cornbread don't approve yeah i love a sweet cornbread i love sweet cakey cornbread yeah the mark bitman one and by the way mark bitman has like three different cornbread recipes so i can't even tell people to look it up it's on the new york times like website if you look for cornbread that recipe is good and i bet patty labelle does a good one too as a texan i cannot make cornbread from the new york times and eat it with pride it feels wrong it just feels wrong and i also make um very good flour tortillas and corn tortillas at home well thank you very much love you el paso it's not like alex born to shelly is like the epitome of tex. She was making it in her New York apartment. She went down to a store in New York in whatever cheap ass district. And she's like, you need to get tiny little.

What are those little what are those really thick metal pans we use to make cornbread? Your pan, you have to season it. You don't clean it. Like skillet. Yes. That's why a cast iron skillet she's like yeah i like to get these tiny individual cast iron skillets oh yeah so line up your individual cast iron skillets i'm like oh my god lady but the cornbreads call for like a minute skillets like yeah i'm gonna have 10 of those mini skillets cabinet space yeah thanks now i'm gonna have to do the math to retime this for like an actual batch of cornbread you dump batch.

But that said – I know. And you've got to season all those stupid little – anyway. I love Alex Guarnaschelli's hateful looks on Chopped, and I love her cornbread. So she's a winner to me. I'm going to try it. I have her cookbook, and I've only – I think I've only cooked one thing from it. It's like Alex Guarnaschelli's comfort food or something like that.

But all her comfort food is like not comforting looking. And it's like tricky to make. And I don't know. Well, that's the thing when you're overweight. Comfort food can be a Snickers bar. It's not like, oh, it's classy food. A Little Caesars $5 hot and ready has comforted me through a lot of pain. And that's not like good food.

So that's weird. I don't always trust the fattest chef. I usually just trust the one. I don't know. Alex Guarnaschelli. I like her. She's like middle of the road weight wise. She's kind of funny looking.

I like her fake positivity. Like when she tries to pull that shit on her own show. I just, I don't know. The woman knows how to make a cornbread that's all i can say yeah i mean she has things like cornish hen on the grill that's like her comfort food i'm like what she had she has pea salad with tarragon and pea shoots like what that's not comfort food my next note is room which is funny because you brought up that movie. And this is about Portia like binging on room service, which was hilarious. Portia's stress eating is fucking killing me. They're showing it all the time.

It's like opens on Portia like door, door, something outside the door. Portia starring in room. porsche starring in room yeah she uh for the next day uh for this dc trip she dressed up as as uh as phaedra mentioned like just total total thought bill million million thought march she's like in like boots and and like a mini skirt not a mini skirt but like you know she just was... She didn't seem like she was dressed for the occasion properly. What do I know? I think you're right.

It's like an app. Million Man. She's showing up to see all the men. She's looking all hot. So they get on the bus again and Tootie's out of there. She's like, I would love to stay. Oh, I thought Tootie actually got on the bus

and they drove to the million man march when they got there 2d's like okay gotta go oh did she i don't even know i just put bus and then 2d's leaving early because of leukemia and lymphoma and i'm like you know what don't be using that it's like oh have an event tonight really on the same day as a million man march you agreed to come to yeah leukemia bye who's gonna argue with leukemia must not have seen real house wise of one's county darling darling we'll all argue with that shit now yeah but we also got to wow hotness hotness and porsche you beg for 19 oh yeah she's like now you just stay here i got a million other men to go through but you're really at the top of the bunch

i love uh phadra she's like i'm busy too but you gotta spare some time for the struggle uh porsche power to the sandwich porsche power to the people where the food at yeah I love her. And Phaedra takes the village. So what else is going? I guess the other big news and the final unless you have something more about toots is Nini's back. Lord.

So now Cynthia, she's been so stirred by Kenya's experience with her mother. She reaches out to Nini again and she puts out this whole big spread and nini is back and all of a sudden they're just like bff again nini is in this like shirt dressing that's busting open already shading candy and they're bff having the greatest time like nothing ever happened which just goes to show that all these friendships and feuds are so fake

nini looks like an over overstuffed burrito like you know when you go to baja fresh and you get a burrito and they're like would you like it california style or whatever like the big one i'm like no i can't even hold that with two hands that's what nini looks like like that flour tortilla was not built for that burrito yeah it's like when you pick up the burrito and then immediately like juices start oozing out and like a little like a little chunk of chicken falls at the bottom that's what's happening n Mimi was dressed like a burrito that they serve you a fork with. Like some bad mooshu pork. If I may change the pancake

analogy. And you know I love a big burrito, but it's gotta have an appropriate tortilla is all I'm saying. Yeah, that's all. So she's ridiculous. Greg hates his fucking life, which is hilarious to me greg is sitting there leaning back in his chair staring at the ceiling the whole time like he wants to

kill himself yeah and nini's snapping her fingers and rolling her head about blah blah blah and how much everybody's mean to her and what a victim she is i'm like oh jesus how did they know that the ratings were taking this back or i don't even know if they are taking i'm not saying they are but how did they know they needed nini were they really this bored we've only had a couple episodes that have been really boring right i've loved a lot of them this season yeah no i think i don't know i think they just have a boner for nini a lot of people really still love her um but they have a boner for her and they're gonna bring her back no matter what which probably answers the question that we had which was if nini a lot of people really still love her um but they have a boner for her and they're gonna bring her back no matter what which probably answers the question that we had which was

if nini has quit why is claudia jordan gone too because they probably wanted nini back and in order to get nini back they probably had to can claudia jordan which is unfortunate because claudia was great that makes sense and i love some bad stand-up on the show but you know she's going after tootie just because she's new. NeNe is just so fucking predictable. She's like, who, Rudy? And they're like, no, that's a Cosby show. She's like, mm-hmm. And then, why did Greg say

you pregnant? Who's Greg asking? Oh, I don't know. They were making pregnancy jokes or something because they were talking about Todd and Candy's baby and then NeNe says, oh no, we're happy for Candy and Todd. I mean, I haven't pooped in three days. What is she talking about?

I don't even know what NeNe's talking about. And I'm sure I just misunderstood what she said. And I was going to rewind it. But I was like, you're really going to rewind a NeNe scene? Really? I know. So I didn't. But someone posted on our Facebook a picture of NeNe's outfit in her talking heads, which is an Erika Jayne outfit.

It's like the same thing. Yeah. See-through material and all the sequins. I thought that was really cute. Yeah. So that's it for this one. Yeah. I'm like, I, you know, I just, I can't stand NeNe anymore.

It's too bad because she used to be so great. But I guess we'll see how that plays out over the course of the season. And yeah, that's it for this one. Why don't we do one big victory lap with Vanderpump Rules? Let's do it! So by the way, our friend Michelle Collins was on Watch What Happens Live last night. And she was on with jacks and it was really funny because she just kept on she kept on like making fun of jacks like

in a lot of like little ways but at one point there was some question in typical watch what happens live fashion that was like michelle who would you rather give a blow job to jacks or james which is like such a i mean it's one thing for the crap. It's a mailbag, but I mean, it's like, this is like an actual TV show asking these questions. What do you prefer herpes or warts?

Yeah. So Michelle, Michelle looked at that and she's like, I mean, I don't know. Is there going to be like a SARS mask? And the look, she said that the look on Jax's face,

it was amazing. He was like, he, his jaw dropped, and he had this look like, why would she even say that about me? Am I that bad? It's like, yes, Jax, you are that bad. Or maybe he was just trying to figure out what this new disease was and whether or not he has it. He's like, I've never heard of that one.

He's like, what's a SARS mask? Is that one where you already have to say sorry sars sars so yeah michelle is super funny if you haven't seen that episode go check it out i love me some michelle collins oh we love michelle we love michelle i mean that is the best example of success bangs i've ever seen and i've known it's happened to a couple of her bangs are gone Her bangs are gone. Aren't they still there? I just saw her on Insta with bangs. No, their bangs are long gone. They are? What does she wear now? No bangs. Her hair looks great now.

I mean, it looked great before, but I love her hair now. It's all going to go now, Michelle. We need the bangs. I'm just kidding. I love her bangs. She's beautiful either way. I've known it twice I've known people who've become Super successful after their bangs

Well this bodes well for Giselle and Potomac I'm eating a chip That I found on my couch right now So talk for a minute Because I don't want to chew in the mic Okay so this episode of Vanderpump Rules Begins in Hawaii because they're all going there For Jax and Tom Sandoval's joint birthday party.

And they all arrive. Well, they're first at baggage claim and they're just having a great time. And Jax grabs Katie's ass by accident, which was pretty exciting. So then they check in. I thought they were handing out free hams at the airport. Yeah. And of course, the first one to say the dumbest American thing is Sheena. Because, you know, every, well, I mean, Hawaii is America.

But you know that every tourist who gets off that plane is like, ah, I got laid. Yeah. Oh, my God. I think that's probably the most offensive thing we could ever do to native hawaiians is just show up and make that joke over and over and over and over again we do it it's like when you're waiting tables and you're like can i take away your plate and i hated it and the plate's completely clean i know never heard that one before i mean there's you know i think in the the terrible things that white people did to hawaiians there's the whitewashing of Hawaiian culture.

But even worse than that, the, I just got laid joke. That's probably the worst thing. I got laid. I got laid. Look, Shay got laid. He got shayed. I just shaded Shay with my leg. Oh, my God.

It's my new song. So, Tom number two, classy as ever. I just shaved a chair with my leg. Oh my God, it's my new song. Cheetah. So Tom number two, classy as ever. It's like, yeah, we're here to celebrate me and Katie's engagement. Like, you know, like we're never going to fuck again. So party. He mentioned how much sex he's not getting so many times. So funny.

So then we had our typical montage of people checking into their rooms like oh my god this is so nice it was like a it's like a bed and a bathroom oh my god lala's like oh my god it's a room without stassi's boogers all over the walls this is amazing she's like housed up in stassi's old apartment yeah um jack's so gross he's telling britney who i'm loving that britney is part of this cast i do not care if she insta fucked her way all the way from kentucky to be on this show i think it is hilarious she's like got that steely bitchy resolve of an idiot and she's gonna fit in just perfectly i think it's so perfect but jack's so so romantic. He's like, yeah, I could use a steak.

And you know what? And then he shits. Yeah. Because you know that's what he's talking about. Exactly. And then there's like, oh, my God, I'm so excited for Hawaii. But, you know, I kind of wish Kristen were here. Isn't it sad that Kristen isn't here?

Yeah, it's sad that Kristen. You guys are all such idiots. I mean, since when did, like, never in the history of this show has anyone ever wished Kristen were anywhere. Not even season one when they all sort of liked her. Never. Never. Not even people waiting for their order that have been there, like, an hour waiting, have been excited to see Kristen. Even if she's finally carrying their plates full of food.

They're like, oh, here she comes. Hi. Even when she was a baby. Even her mom wasn't like, ugh, I wish Kristen would come out already. Ugh. We're going to slap your baby's ass so that it can finally talk. And she's like, don't do it. Ugh.

Wah. Seriously? Seriously? Wah. Ugh. Wah. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Seriously? That was so oppressive. Seriously? Seriously? Wah. Seriously? That womb was so oppressive. Seriously? Seriously? Wah!

Seriously? I was trying to have a drink and then your water totally broke. Like, who does that? Seriously? Seriously? I never touched your vagina. Okay, I admit it, I touched your vagina. Of course you did, it was a vaginal birth, darling. Seriously? Who hides behind hands? Seriously? Peekaboo. Like, there you are. Now you're gone. Seriously, who keeps coming and going behind hands? Like, who does that? You guys, it's so hard. Like, maybe it seems like I'm a bitch, but it's just because I wasn't born the normal way. Like, this lady, like, forced me to stay in her stomach for, like, nine months.

Then I had to travel out through a vagina seriously like why are you shaking that rattle in front of my face like seriously like treat me with some respect seriously who spits who spits on a little blanket? Who does that? Seriously? Great. So where are we? Okay, so they're having their first group dinner of the night. And James is, of course, licking. Did I skip? Kind of because it's okay.

We can incorporate it. Are you sure? No, I was just going to talk about Ariana. So basically Ariana, her mom sent her screenshots of her conversation with sheena which is sort of an important plot point for this episode so oh yeah yeah because remember last week i think uh was this a different dinner all they did in this was like go to dinner it was like a housewife show i was like holy crap before the dinner ariana gets screenshots from her mom that are basically like, this is the conversation I had with Sheena.

And in the conversation, Sheena's like, you know, the mom's like, hey, is Ariana okay? And Sheena's like, yeah, well, she's been really different because like Tom, you know, he's like, he's all about himself. And Sheena just basically goes in on Tom to Ariana's mom, which is really inappropriate if you ask me. So this gets Ariana and Tom super mad. So now, going into dinner... That's so Sheena, though. She's like, your mom's really worried about you. She told me in a text. And then the text comes and they're like,

I'm really worried about Ariana, because Tom... Yeah. The text is probably just like an accidental butt text. Like... Oh my god. She's so worried she can't even use proper words. She just put in a bunch of characters all together well her mom put out a tweet today or today whenever yesterday and said um yeah i did text ariana but i was just asking no i did text sheena but i was just asking if

she's coming over for christmas well yeah i can totally see that because you know that she probably said something she probably said something leading like yeah i can't wait to come i mean i hope everything's i hope it's like i'm i'm invited because you know things are sort of weird with ariana and then mom's gonna be like well what's wrong with ariana she's like oh she's really worried about you now yeah so anyway so it's dinner time and um Tom, like, let's see. Basically, Tom's like, yeah, man, we're going on a three-hour hike tomorrow, and then surf lessons the next day. And then Sheena's like, I'll just meet you afterwards.

I made a funny joke because I didn't want to go on the hike, so I made a joke by going afterwards. So Ariana's annoyed by Sheena by this. Ariana can't stand the sight of Sheena. Meanwhile, Peter um you know his his mom hair is frizzing out he's gotten his hair is now kristen she's got kristen shawl here now back yeah all fuzzy peter's just basically eating a steak like that's peter's storyline today yeah my note for this scene was wow the pool water has green lights in it yeah it's like the most fitting beginning of a scene i've ever seen

it's like yeah green piss water welcome to hawaii you sluts yeah and then the waitress you know i gotta talk about the stupid waitress because this is my bravo this is my bravo pet peeve are these waitress auditions where people are like oh my god i'm waiting on the cast of a tv show i'm totally getting on it and this is totally that girl she comes on she goes hi have you guys had a chance to think of what you want to eat like really that's how you're gonna say your line i know she like did like this like flirtatious thing she's like you guys ready yet? Yeah, she's like, I'm just thinking. So then, so now they start doing toasts, like birthday toasts, whatever.

And then James just starts making out with Lala. And like, not just like making, he's like, she's like in her chair, pushed back as far as she can be without falling off her chair. And James is fully on top of her being like, Jesus, like, why are you doing this in the middle of a speech? You know? So then Jax, and Jax of course is getting furious. Jax is looking over

so mad. Jax is so mad, but of course he can't say why he's mad, so instead of saying, instead of obviously, you know, stating the obvious he says, well like, it's really great to be here, but I'm sad of all the people that can't be here

because of egos and then it's like you're talking about me mate huh you want to go around the bend with me mate oh i thought i thought jacks was talking about his unborn child that couldn't be there because of his ego because of his ego he's like oh ego. He's like, oh, well, no. That baby was egotistical. That's why I made her abort it. No, well, he said like – first he's like I'm annoyed that like not everyone could be here, which was like a dig at Ariana. So that was like kind of rude. And then he's like – and then there's some people here who probably shouldn't be here.

I'm like, dude, you invited him. Well, I mean the producers did. But that's when – yeah, that's when James is like i talk about me i talk about me he goes he gives a half sundae but doesn't put the cherry on top all right it's a bad sundae oh yeah you know what i call that i call it ice cream with toppings not a sundae you're like one of those cherry seven ups i'm just a seven up no cherry about me i ain't might want to suck it down swallow it mate it's like he made a shirley and didn't put an umbrella in it. Okay? Like, he does that.

A little lizard lip poking all over the place. He's gross. Ariana's like, can we just have fun, please? Yeah. Ariana. I mean, yeah. Sheena's like, I just got a text from Ariana's mom. She's like, disappointed in you guys.

Can we just go to the pool? Your mom's really concerned that we're not having fun right now at dinner. I just texted her and she just asked me that. Ariana is hated right now. And it is killing me because it's so funny to watch because people are trying to pretend they're friends because they're still friends with Tom. But they all hate her. And she, her speech was so funny. She's like, well, I'm really glad, glad like we're all here to celebrate two really wonderful

people and so cheers everyone's like cheers by the way i think now would be a good time to mention that uh max uh max fully has nini leaks hair have you noticed he fully has nini leaks his blonde flapper hairstyle just take a look next time it's like perfectly wavy i mean he he fully has taken nini's old weave and put it on his head i love that lisa's so worried about what max is doing but he's obviously like completely zoned out on something staring off into the he's totally on something and it's so funny she's like are you all right darling yeah all right then don't hang out with james meanwhile he's like tripping out yeah he is long gone he's like uh i guess okay all right do you think that jacks knows what alpha means i don't think he does he thinks it's a cereal yeah he's like that guy's like alpha but i'm the alpha bet because i'm not stupid

he thinks he's alpha but i'm the alfalfa so you know get over it he thinks he's alpha but i'm alf and he had his own tv show he's et to my alf okay i'm out because i like to eat pussy uh i think whoever did location scouting for this show is hilarious because whenever they put them in somewhere called something uh ironic it kills me the study yeah get out of here those fools have never been to a study like the library no not gonna happen the school nope kindergarten nope yeah nope jack's probably liked it jocks is like yeah because i'm like a stud so this is like

study it's for people who are like studs so um study so tom tom and ariana confront sheena uh and she knows with shay about these text messages and she knows basically like yeah i said it yeah well you are sort of all about yourself yeah yeah well yeah but i don't think she gets it it's not about what she said it's about how inappropriate it is for her to text ariana's mom about this it's so ridiculous could you imagine if ariana texted sheena's mom about it sheena would lose her shit tom getting so frustrated is the best thing that ever happened i love when tom gets i love he gets i love poor guy sheena like that's not cool like it's like worse than kristin like you're you're texting your mom like what do you what? Get over it,

because, like, that's what people say, so, like, you are cocky. Sorry, not sorry. And they're totally gaslighting these two. They're like, well, we're not saying you're like Stassi, but you're kind of being like Stassi right now. Like, everything you do, it's like you're like Stassi, and like, well, see,

like Stassi always liked to say well, but see, now you're fighting like Stassi. I'm sorry, you're like Stassi always liked to say well, but see, now you're fighting like Stassi. I'm sorry. You're like Stassi. I can't help it. And I liked when Sheena's like, you know, Ariana, you're just so negative. And Ariana goes, well, I don't give a fuck. Like, well, way to dispel that image, Ariana. You're really killing

it on the PR front. It's funny to watch them argue because they don't understand sentences properly. And then Sheena going, I was just trying to be a good friend. I know. That's how she justifies everything. I just want to be a good friend. And Tom.

I've done everything for you guys. Like, don't you remember me coming over and making organic egg whites with organic broccoli and organic butter? Sheena's like, not really. I've moved mountains for you, dude. Like, I've literally lifted your husband up a rope at a gym, okay? Like, there's no better friend than me. Sheena's be like,

well, you know, you can't move mountains because mountains are, like, gigantic. So, like, the fact that we're even saying that shows that your sister's a liar. So, I don't know. Like, a good friend wouldn't say that. I'm trying to find a sheena line in here because she's so fucking funny it must come later so now we have ken and lisa with jiggy and jiggy's future jiggy daddy oh it's like i thought daddy was the dad of jiggy i thought isn't that jiggy's dad daddy

oh well it doesn't matter i don't think so he looks like Jiggy's about to be turned into a little tiny, you know, sausage. And Daddio's ready to take his place. Well, something's going on there. But yeah, so they were, so Lisa and Ken were just having tea and then worrying about Max. Like, it'll be okay. And he's like, don't

don't call him. And then he'll be like, oh, it's your mother calling. I cannot. And then James. I'm going to get ham. Ham. Heart of the motherfucker, bro. Way to go with that, like, slang from four years ago.

DJ Kennedy. I'm going to get ham. Katie's all defensive. You can't be making ham references after Katie's just got grabbed in the airport, okay? Too soon, buddy. Heart of a motherfucker. Okay, we go to Katie and Tom's hotel room, and Katie is in dinosaur pajamas, which, I mean, that just says so much. Like, your vagina's acting like a decrepit old fossil, and you're wearing little boy's dinosaur things.

old fossil and you're wearing little boys dinosaur things and then she wakes up and she's like god last night i fell asleep because i guess because the time difference and tom's like yeah look i took a selfie of myself naked like bieber these two oh my god and he's like i put a filter on it because i was feeling insecure and kitty says i own that ass bitches i own it and i just wrote not yet bitch that's like yeah i own a couch that you still owe money for at renter room these two have the most boring scenes uh i miss the days when katie was thinner and she was hungrier and was more emotional but now that she's eating she's like she just does nothing she just sits there like yeah i'm not into her new chill like i'm just gonna try and sell barrettes on a blog personality that needs to go yeah i like it when she was like a high-strung crazy girl who's insecure and trying to fit in with everyone

so then we get sheena and jack's working out and britney i guess is britney with them yeah so britney so britney starts going off on Lala. She's like, I feel like she has no respect for herself or other women. I'm like, says the girl who moved across the country to be with a man whore so you could be on TV. And doesn't bring a resume to her own job. And Lala, who's the one who doesn't have respect for women? Yeah, twice. You are literally sleeping with a herpes-infested man slut who lies to your face and you are looking the other way because it's going to get you on TV.

And then Jack's justifying everything. It was okay because Brittany was out of town. But, you know, now I have a clean conscience. You don't have a clean anything. Okay. You still got powder on your nose. Get the fuck out of here. The lake. The guys from Speedos. anything okay you've still got powder on your nose get the fuck out of here the lake the guys

and speedos yeah so it will never stop pleasing me it pleases me in every single scene this was amazing and i also like that they're all getting fat everyone on the cast is like way too many goat cheese balls are going around like people you're on tv be one thing you know like i you know it's one thing for me and ryan to be like gaining weight but it's another thing for you to be on tv and be attractive and to be gaining weight that's not right that's all of you all of you that's like me going to do a modeling shoot in my boxer shorts it's like not gonna happen because i'm not calling myself an underwear model katie telling tom you can't do this shoot in a dad bod is probably the best Katie scene of the year. Well, the best part about this hike was that when Tom said that, he's like, the one thing you won't hear me do is be like, it's my birthday. Which then paved the way for a montage of Stassi being an uber bitch on all her birthdays.

That was like a glorious 30 seconds of my life right there. It really is bravo is showing some desperation this week i mean we've got clips like remember when this was fun yeah there's they're bringing back stassi because they're so desperate they're bringing back nini because they're so desperate and then they're just spinning out some po ass housewives over and over again after they said they were never going to make another city uh they're desperate but so far it's really entertaining so far so good yeah well i mean the difference is that i don't want to see nini but i'm happy i'm so excited for stassi to come back i'm excited to see nini if she films with other people because the most fun about nini is

her reactions and when it's nini's fake ass phony celebrity life i don't like that but when it's when she's she's funny she's always gives a good interview i mean like that's that's you know she's always hilarious in her interviews but i just i can't stand when she becomes a diva and she becomes really hypocritical and like she's just nasty i don't like that side of her i like i like the old fun funny uh nini who was shady but not nasty and and that that i we haven't seen that i miss the nini who says well she's gonna be a home singer are there albums full of homes okay then kim can be a singer that's the nini i like exactly so anyway back to hawaii so while everyone's like gallivanting around in this little pond uh faith and lala take off their tops because they just

want to be well basically lala takes off her top because she wants to be on tv and faith takes off her top because she wants to like she's like a sidekick to lala so they have their tops off and like no one cares some people look i mean jack steals some looks but honestly no one cares it's just like this desperate plea to be cool when is a group of la hoes gonna get offended at tits get out of here Even the men are showing their tits They've all got solid B's at the very least So then

Elsewhere on the great island Of Oahu Sheena and Shay go to the beach And Sheena gives Shay a tampon Case full of tequila Because they're not allowed to have open containers She's like I don't want to get arrested So we're going to drink case full of tequila because they're not allowed to have open containers. She's like, I don't want to get arrested, so we're going to drink

barrels out of suntan lotion. So there's a lot of things going wrong on this. First of all, Shay is in recovery. So that's the first and foremost, that's the worst thing. And she literally goes, I hope that Shay can learn to drink with moderation. You know, just do every other shot.

Maybe don't do three beer bongs, just do one. Yeah, I'm sure that's step one of all AA meetings. If Shay was in recovery, he'd know how to cover a couch better. Ours still has holes all over it, so whatever. So, by the way,

you know what looks really suspicious? When you see three people drinking out of suntan lotion bottles. No subtle guys subtle do you not have any coke cans in hawaii i mean what the hell i know like this is the worst cover i have ever seen it's like literally getting like a giant thing of tide and guzzling from it like yeah no i'm sure no one's gonna question that and don't be blaming the study when you all get food poisoning because you were just drinking out of fucking suntan tubes how do you even clean out a suntan lotion tube i don't i don't know that doesn't even make any sense you can't even

get that stuff off your skin how are you they said to rinse it out it's got like a tiny little hole in it apparently they according to jacks on watch what happens i guess they sell those they just sell these dummy containers and you just they're like already pre-cleaned water bottles are a dollar yeah so then uh meanwhile i don't know why i wrote this down but i'm on the hike they're like hiking back and jacks goes i see poison ivy for some reason that like really made me laugh the fact that he'd be scared of a rash he's like i don't want to infect another plant also um jack's at one point said yeah you know like what's so hard about being around boobs every guy looks at them i mean just wear your sunglasses foreshadowing yeah Yeah. Because next week.

Yes, good point. So anyway, back to the beach. So Sheena and Katie are talking about these text messages. And of course, Sheena is justifying everything. And of course, Katie is agreeing because that's all she does is agree with people. And it was funny because we were sort of going back and forth between the hikers and the beachgoers. And they're both talking about the text messages and seeing their different perspectives

so you know katie's like yeah you know like you're totally right you're totally right and meanwhile like uh the hikers are telling are being like yeah that was totally out of place of sheena and but tom is like although you know you have been kind of cynical and extra snappy, Ariana. And she's like, well, welcome to who I am. Like, again. Like, really not doing anything to dispel. And he goes, yeah, but it's scary. She goes, sorry. LOL.

Ariana, not doing a good job on the PR front. Not. So then Sheena tells Katie, she's like, I mean, who would have ever thought that like, you know, like I, like that Ariana wouldn't be my best friend. That like,

you're my best friend. Who would have fucking thought we'd be in this place? Yeah, like I'm so sick of Ariana and Tom putting themselves on a pita stool.

Like, some people like hamburgers, so. They're on a pita stool. Don't judge me. But by the way, who would have ever thought, mean actually i think everyone because sheena and katie are the biggest floaters in this on this show every year they're friends

with someone else best friends with someone else so it was inevitable that they would finally find each other mentioned all different levels oh so funny britney's talk with lala. Oh, Lord. Brittany, so stupid. Stop talking. Lala, kind of still love you. Don't know how. Well, because Lala's like, yeah, I did flirt with him because I didn't know you guys were together. And so we were flirting and I definitely crossed the line. But Jack said you guys weren't together.

And Jack's like, no, I never said that. Never said that. And of course, the producers are like, well, here's exhibit A's exhibit a b and c which is my favorite thing they do to jack's every episode but then jack's does his non-lying lie like he doesn't even know that he's telling the truth because he's so pathological he goes i would never not say that yes okay and then britney the the lawyer she's like hey what a good talk we're having oh i hear you got no respect for my relationship oh britney i don't know i mean well lala goes well now i know that jack's just a fucking liar like have you not seen the previous three seasons of the show

so we're well there's more of this one coming but they they cut in James and Max and the song that is playing. You overdosed. And then cut to James and Max. Max is sitting there staring off into zero space. James's eyes are twirling back and forth like they're, you know, like one of those cats watching a clock tick go. Tick, tick, tick, tick, tick. It's just like, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. All over the place. Oh, music people people so they're talking faith and lala who cares they're done please the cause blah who cares

so lala and faith join yeah oh yeah i don't care about that either okay so tom and katie i saw lala and faith's boobs and then yeah and katie is like oh my god like have some respect for someone who's newly engaged he gets off like he's not getting off on katie so he's getting off on pissing katie off because he does this shit all the time where he does stuff just so he can watch katie get enraged and she doesn't even get mad at him but he's trying really hard for her to be mad at him. He goes, yeah, okay, so gotta say, I saw Lala's boobs, but I didn't look at them. And I could have looked at them, but I didn't look at them, babe.

Bubba, bubba, bubba. And she's like, who does that? That's not respecting an engagement. Why would I be friends with her? She leads with her sexuality. I'm like, well, you're leading with your non, so what's it if? Yeah.

Katie is such a girl-on-girl hater. It's hilarious. I mean, she is a perfect example of girls tearing down each other because that's her favorite thing to do. I mean, she's been going after Lala since the beginning just because Lala's pretty. I mean, let's face it. And then, of course, at dinner that's exactly katie immediately goes and confronts faith in lala and is like why like why would you why would you do that like there are like boyfriends they're like why would you show your boobs and lala who is dressed like

a pirate she has a bandana on and giant like hoop johnny depp earrings although it's sort of look like salt and peppa too but lala is, well, I don't see the big deal. And they're all like, free the nipple. And everyone was basically on Lala's side. And Katie could see she was like. She's like, well, you know, I have issues with you. And they're not going to get better when you keep taking off your top. Hey, Katie, no one gives a fuck.

Okay? No one gives a fuck about your issues. No one. Yeah. She's like, this isn't gonna get better oh what you're not gonna stop being a bitch openly being a bitch until she stops taking off her top you were a total bitch to her when she was fully closed shut up katie lala's answers were so funny she's like uh maybe she should like have sex and not just lay there but like do something fine i know and i love also that katie acts as if like you know like oh we have issues and they're not gonna get better if you keep taking your shirt off as if like the holy grail is to be

accepted by katie like okay well you know you're not gonna be my friend if you do that like like katie like oh no god forbid the last power scene we saw with you you were literally standing there hiding behind a tray of salt and pepper shakers for 15 minutes please stop acting like you have some kind of power because you know how to use the squirrel machine that so meanwhile also i have to say one more thing lala's argument is the best of this entire show it's not like i showed my pussy love her that could also be the name of this show the defense rest it's not like i not like I showed my pussy. Love her. That could also be the name of this show. The defense. It's not like I showed my pussy.

So then on the other end of the table, Jax and Brittany are like talking about how much they love each other. And it's funny because earlier after the confrontation on the hike, Jax said, he said, you you know one of the main things i love about britney is that she doesn't hold grudges i'm like no it's more like she's just really stupid that's what you love about her she's dumb she's dumb and so sure enough he's talking about like they're just talking about how like she's changed him and like how he's not just out for the sex and uh we haven't even had sex yet like that's a good

thing and she goes yeah you can tell he's really serious i mean he's not even fucking her oh really that's how you can tell he's serious because he's not horny enough to fuck the girl he just moved from kentucky to watch him shit in his studio this doesn't sound good only she would see that as a positive exactly so meanwhile on the other to the table lala's getting feisty because she's just seeing this as you know total hypocrisy uh i mean lala's stupid because you know like who the fuck cares just get over it but you know she knows she has to be on tv so she gets all that just when when she was having an honest conversation with britney and in the poison ivy woods or wherever the hell they were and then they were having a good girl to girl

being like up front with each other and then jack's being like well you know to be fair to lala she was really drunk when she was trying to fuck me that time like he's ho shaming this girl then she has to sit at another dinner with katie titshaming her. And then on top of that, Jax is acting as if he is on the straight and narrow now with Brittany. So Lala's pissed. So she pulls Brittany aside and she tells Brittany, you know what? Jax was telling me that he was going to fuck me. And she tells her everything. You're sitting together and he kept whispering into my ear.

I'm just letting you know because he's acting like you're saying he hasn't given you a reason not to trust him and I'm telling you right now here is the reason why you shouldn't trust him so she tells everything and Brittany's like uh huh uh huh and Brittany does the exact thing we've seen a million times on these shows it's women hating on women so Brittany's like you know what you don't respect relationships

I know he loves me I know he's crazy about me yeah but you're gonna flirt and Lala goes have I done anything Respect relationships. I know he loves me. I know he's crazy about me. Yeah. You think you're going to flirt? And Lala goes, have I done anything? And she said, well, no. She said, okay.

Well, I'm sick of everybody hating on me because they don't have confidence in their own relationship. And she's like, he hasn't done anything. And he won't. And don't call me boo-boo. Yeah, because talk is cheap, honey boo-boo. She said, don't call me honey boo-boo. She's like boo but she said don't call my honey boo boo she's like that's my ma's name call me by my real name macaroni girl that's what they call me so but it was like it was so frustrating because britney's logic was so fucked up because she's saying jacks hasn't done anything to make me not trust him when he says that he that he's being honest with me and lala's saying no i'm telling you this is the thing that

he has done that you shouldn't trust about him yeah but he said he didn't do it and i have no reason not to try not to distrust him yeah oh she's so stupid i can't wait to get her get it uh see her get it in the end and then uh jacks is jacks comes over blah blah lie lie lie lie and lala look me in the eye tell me you didn't say he cannot focus on your eyes get out of here what is this a drug driving test and then the reason women do not rule the world right now this makes me crazy when women do this sheena walks over what's going on and then uh she said the whole thing is rehashed and they go you were there sheena what do you see sheena saw all this sheena and kristin heard everything jacks was saying they were both giving him shit for doing it they both told him not to do it and he

had a girlfriend etc he said at the table he doesn't and then Sheena goes oh I don't know I mean I don't see I didn't see the whispering part but I did see him squirming like he was uncomfortable oh fuck off Sheena like what happened like ho solidarity and she's like you know because she's like well you know they're she's like, well, you know, they're like a nice couple. I don't want to be the reason why they break up. Well, then maybe you shouldn't have said in the first place that Lala and Jax were flirting. She was the one who announced it at that lunch, you know. So she's happy to throw Lala under the bus about all this.

But then when it comes to like Jax's role in it, she's like, no, I don't want to ruin their relationship. Like, shut up, Sheena. And Jax, of course, he's like the I don't want to ruin their relationship like shut up Sheena and Jax of course he's like the master liar when it comes to covering things up he's so smooth you almost have to respect it when he's like when he's telling Brittany like yeah like that's ridiculous like I would never say those things were like I'm not even get mad at it because then it would look like I'm lying and I have something to hide I mean it's just so irate like that makes sense right it's just like so i've written but like it's ridiculous and bernie's like yeah see look look at how mature

he was it didn't even faze him no he didn't cheat on me he wouldn't say those things oh my god when lala brings these fucking idiots down i am going to die because it's not even going to be hard it's not like lala's the smartest toe on the block but she's at least honest you know and i think that she's going to end up winning because of being honest which is hilarious in a cast full of liars i love it well lala is like the hero of the season oddly enough i mean it's kind of interesting she's this new girl she is kind of you know she's kind of slutty and flirtatious but she she really owns it, and she's almost sexually empowered, which is likable. And she's calling shit on everyone.

And meanwhile, Sheena's being a weasel this season. Katie is being this spineless meh-meh-meh. Tom is boring. Tom Sandoval and Ariana are being well, I mean, Ariana's more the one who's being smug, and Tom is kind of just sucked into it. Kristen is you know, Kristen. Lala's the only one she's like the star because i was

thinking about today stassi was previously the star right like she was it was saucy and then last season she started to really suck and this season is sort of like this decentralized power vacuum going on in the show and i think that lala has officially taken the reins it's also a show that needs to be recast and they brought in james and lala as the youngsters to uh i think to anchor the new cast because how long are we supposed to believe that these fucking idiots are waiting tables they don't ever show up there except to sign autographs they're in their 30s, which is nothing. It's not like that's too old to be a waiter. But in L.A., it's like you look like Katie's dinosaur pajamas.

I am. I've been there. Well, they're just not really doing much these days. They did all their crazy cheating and stuff, and they got burned. And now they're kind of settling into just having fun. And so the producers are smart. I mean james is is annoying on the show but james and lala do serve a do serve a role they're the ones keeping things interesting for the most part yeah well this show is a nice so what do we have coming up for thursday we've got

the real housewives of beverly Beverly Hills and Newlyweds Newlyweds okay so we'll be back Thursday to talk about that if you are not a subscriber go do it our Google Hangout is Thursday night it's gonna be a big day here over at the Crappins couch desks we love you guys

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