Watch What Crappens - #262: Do You Feel Better Now?

Episode Date: January 29, 2016

Faye Resnick returns to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills for the biggest non fight in history. The couples of Newlyweds are still headed towards annulment, and Jax gets caught stealing sunglasses from a non Lisa owned establishment on Vanderpump Rules. Enjoy! Timestamps: 0-25: Celebrity Apprentice, Kim Richard’s new show and Crappens Mailbag (Ramona meets the Vanderpump pets) 25:45 RHOBH 1:30:10 Newlyweds 1:57:20 Vanderpump Rules ------------------- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com ---------------------- Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the old bravs. I'm Ronnie Kerm from Trash Talk TV, and I'm with the gorgeous, talented, lovely, calm-spirited, and well-mannered... Well-brad.

Well-brad. Ben Mandelker from the the b-side blog and the banter blender hello bin hi ronnie i love you i love you too it's thursday lots to talk about today but first you guys come over to facebook.com slash watch what crappens to talk crap with all the other listeners and post your own links and all that good stuff it is a really good source for the housewives news we just got some celebrity apprentice news etc good stuff yeah that's good uh thank you to everybody who supports us at patreon.com slash watch what crap and that's where you guys can go become premium subscribers and you will have access to our 69 bonus episodes. Plus a bunch of ringtones, housewife gift emojis, stuff like that.

There's a bunch of extras over there. So if you're not already a preemie, come on over and join up. It's totes worth it, you guys. A preemie? Okay. Also, you can go to WatchWhatCrappens.com to get all of our links. So do all that good stuff. And also, thank you to our premium subscriber, Marvin J.

We love you, Marvin. We certainly do. Yes, and thank you to everybody who supports us over there. So great. So great. So great. And it's so great to be here. What do you want to talk about first, Ben?

Wow. I mean, there's some fun little gossip from our Facebook page. You just alluded to it before, but the cast of Celebrity Apprentice has been released. And for those of you who may not be aware, Donald Trump is no longer associated with the celebrity apprentice or the apprentice, obviously, because many different reasons. So now it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger as the new apprentice. And I think Tyra Banks is his like his advisor. So I don't even know how. Yeah, I don't even know how this new season could even work because as much as Donald Trump is a blowhard, ridiculous asshole nincompoop, he was kind of the best. That's why he's great on The Apprentice.

That's his show. How the hell is Arnold Schwarzenegger going to be a Donald Trump? It's not going to be. Yeah, it's it's it's I don't know. Maybe we'll see a new side of Arnold. Maybe we'll see the side that he used that when he was a governor. You know, the same side he uses in everything.'ll see a new side of Arnold. Maybe we'll see the side that he used when he was a governor, you know? It's the same side he uses in everything.

There is no other side to Arnold. The Governator was the same as the Terminator. He's like, there will be no taxes. And then there's like a million new taxes. He just lies in an accent, okay? Fucker. He's gonna be like, I love your poster board idea for the store, but I needed more yellow.

Yeah, I like how you're sort of giving the Yolanda accent to him. So the only reason why we're really bringing this up is that amongst this cast of people, some of whom I have no idea who they are, there are two real housewives. Kyle Richards, the entrepreneur behind Kyle by Eileen, too. And then Portia Williams, who, as we all know, runs many different businesses. Yet to be determined. Out of the same office set as Cynthia Bailey. With really noisy fluorescent lights overhead.

Exactly. Portia, no. She's not going to be able to sell anything porsche won't even show up to her own hair extension meetings with her she's trying to make a pregnant woman sell hair extensions for her okay that's not going to work and kyle has eileen too maybe eileen will be there with kyle yeah maybe we get to finally meet Eileen. Aileen. Aileen. Because we know Eileen, but we don't know Aileen. And the winner of the Celebrity Apprentice is Eileen, too. She has proven that she will be back. She's already got a sequel.

It's just her daughter, Portia, and Amumu. out a sequel it's just her daughter porsche and amumu yeah that's this is really the dream seeing arnold schwarzenegger and porsche williams discuss things like in what world would they ever be ever ever ever be interfacing i feel sort of bad for arnold i mean he did it to himself why well i mean the reason why he's now been reduced to being on a you know b list c list reality show is because you know i think that like in the wake of his whole scandal that he had cheating on maria people just sort of thought of him as just like trashy and you know his box office career was was going downhill anyway he never did a good job in diversifying he was always just like he was like i'm gonna be an action hero no matter what and when the when that started to fall away he did not think like maybe i should try indie going

indie or something like that he just was like no i'm gonna still do action i'm still gonna do action he can't go indie i mean that guy can barely play a robot he went indie last year actually finally he did what'd he do he was in a this like indie um zombie movie with abigail breslin but it had like warm reviews i don't know arnold schwarzenegger get out of here well we have other we have other um uh news from the world of richards uh which is that kyle is not the only one getting secondary employment. Kim Richards, she is going to continue to let her star... I don't know.

Her star just sort of goes at a steady... It already was up. It just sort of hit the ground, and now it's like a ground ball in baseball. That star just drinks. That's like the drinking star. It just rolls along. Yeah, that's why the star is always falling.

It's just like a tumbleweed this is her star she doesn't have a star she just has a tumbleweed that just goes across the highway just try not to hit it but um uh she's gonna be in a new show on lifetime called the mother-daughter experiment celebrity edition and like she and brooke are gonna be like working stuff out oh geez um poor brooke yeah i just hope that most of that show takes place with brooke in a room looking mortified while kim is down a hallway screaming i'm not gonna do it yeah screw you dr phil that was the best thing i've ever seen in my life this is is not going to turn out well. I mean, and the other people on this show, it's like Heidi. What's her face? You know, from Spencer from the Hills, Heidi. Oh, what does she look like?

Heidi Pratt. I don't know what she looks like these days. But what was Heidi's original name before she was Pratt? Montag. Montag, of course. I can't believe I forgot that. But so Heidi and her mom are going to be talking about things. And then Krista Stodden, who was the 16-year-old who married that random actor.

I'm sorry, Courtney Stodden is the daughter. But she is going on with her mom because she's accusing her mom of using her fame, which is also very LOL. And then Char Jackson. She made that vagina. She should be able to profit off of it, all right? I stand for Kris Jenner. Yeah. Well, there's a lot of, there's just a lot of weird shit.

Anyway, that's what Kim Richards is up to. Oh, Kimmy, Kimmy Richards. God bless her heart. I hope she shows up for filming. I have a feeling that her daughter's just going to keep showing up like, I swear swear my mom's coming i swear she'll be here in five minutes or she's fired yeah kim richards taking the bus to the walmart and encino to steal shit yeah hey is there a walmart and encino i never had any idea how beautiful encino was until recently i think when tori spelling fell on a hibachi grill that's when I was like, oh, some of

my rich people live there? There's a Chili's there. Oh, my God. There needs to be a Chili's in every town. There should be. I agree. And a claim jumper. I'm going to go over the hill just to go to that claim jumper.

I've never seen a club sandwich that big. It's bigger than my apartment, that club sandwich. There used to be a claim jumper in Burbank. Yeah, there is. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to go over the hill. Oh, is it's still there i think they got i think it's got turned into something don't you dare i'm actually i'm daring a club sandwich from the claim jumper right i don't even know where that came from i've never been to claim jumper that's because you know i i don't

like anything that involves jumping with my food you can't be thinking thin and then going to claim jumper at the same time claim jumper is for fat people because we only claim to jump no we can't be thinking thin and then going to claim jumper at the same time claim jumper is for fat people because we only claim to jump no we can't really do it because we eat there that's the biggest food i've ever seen in my life suck it cheesecake factory well according to yelp the claim jumper still seems to be in existence so that's great great news yes thank you people in burbank for keeping the claim jumper thank Thank you, Burbank, for supporting businesses like Claim Jumper, Wacano. Oh, God, Wacano. Every chain restaurant in the world. Thank you, Burbank, because someone snotty around our neighborhood won't even open that shit. We've got like little Russian coffee shops that charge you $15 for a terrible chicken sandwich. Yeah. I mean,

there is P.F. Chang's in the Beverly Center, but that's closing down. There's a Grand Lux Cafe also in the Beverly Center. That's also closing down. Truth is, I never liked either one of those.

The closest thing that we ever had was there was a Red Lobster that used to be in Beverly Hills on Wilshire and La Cienega, and I would go there, but that closed down

and turned into a bank. Oh, we have a Sizzler on Highland Avenue. Yeah, we've got Sizzlers and Shakeys. I think those are our changes. Yeah, for some reason, Sizzler makes it in. Sizzler makes the cut for Hollywood, West Hollywood, the non-suburban part of Los Angeles. And yet,

the legit stuff, like Red Lobster, is like, you have to go 45 minutes to get to Red Lobster. You have to to go 45 minutes to get to a Red Lobster. You have to go either to Inglewood. There's one in Inglewood. There's one in Valencia. There's one in Monrovia. There's one in Gardenia.

But is there anyone near here? Oh, I know where they all are. I know where all the Red Lobsters are. You've got little stars on your Google map where all the Red Lobsters are. Oh, I definitely do. And, like, anytime I drive to Vegas, I am sure to hit up the Red Lobster in Victorville. I am sure to do that. Red Lobster in Victorville. I am sure to do that. I know where they all are.

Well, Ben, I think that now that we've had a little Red Lobster for an appetizer, it's time to jump into our favorite part of the show. Ooh, you mean the cheesy biscuit that is the Krappen's mailbag? Yeah. Yeah. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. is the crappin's mailbag yeah my uh my sheep making noises are not coming out properly i'm like meh i'm just basically doing what's her face from princesses long island dad help me meh speaking of that show there was a couch on the porch of this little halfway house that is across the street from where I live.

And they emptied the house out and left the damn couch on the porch. And now I see why that girl was horrified. You do not want to see what happens on couches on porches at nighttime, okay? There's like bum fights out there all kinds of movements under blankets and shit finally the city had to come remove the damn couch because it was like a party over there i people see a couch and they just go crazy they're like yes it's a couch on a porch let's party it's very true i mean i don't i don't want to be elitist but you know i'm going to be elitist and say it is great.

You know, couches, they're like bum magnets. And rightfully so. I mean, it's like, oh, wait, I could not sleep on the pavement tonight? Yeah, I think I'll sleep on the couch. So, yes, that was the Krappen's Mailbag. Thank you for listening to our show. This show is going to be 20 hours today. We've talked about Red Lobster and couches on porches.

And I'm going to continue talking about Red Lobster, just FYI. I feel like a little crazy today. I feel crazy and unfocused. So I apologize, everyone. I feel like my ramble button is on high or the gauge. I pressed the button and now my rambling is on. Anyway, so we have questions. We have questions. Okay.

Jackie Flavin. Jackie Flavin asks this question. Oh, before Jackie Flavin's question, someone said somewhere they were like, hey, I'm a straight guy. And I just wanted to know if you guys give a shout out to like the straight guys that listen to your show. So to the straight guys that listen, we love you. Thank you for being straight and listening and being so progressive to listen to two gay guys be super gay and talk about bravo yeah also straight guys um this is the first step in questioning your sexuality

so enjoy being gay enjoy your gayness call us again when you're gay no they can be straight and like bravo it's a wonderful new world it's a post-gay world not in my neighborhood it is during gay what do you call that it is current gay current gay i don't know what well gay means post-gay just means that straight guys are gay now too that's all i've noticed and hey look i'm all for it yeah all and experiment. Warn people to not commit to a mind pool. So straight people who are listening, straight guys who are listening, thank you for listening. So Jackie Flavin, she says, Bravo is making a show featuring the one season wonders, i.e. Lydia from Orange County or Cindy from New York or Peggy from OC or Deshaun or DC, everyone.

So who do you cast in a real Housewives made up of one season wonders? Okay, so we have to pick six, right? Because that's like a Housewives cast, five or six. I think out of the gate, it has to be Claudia Jordan, first of all. Oh, I wouldn't choose Claudia Jordan. I thought she was boring. She doesn't do anything. What are you

she talked about her toes and went to a comedy class she's the only one in the history of the real housewives who was ever able to take down any leaks that is an automatic spot in my one hit wonder real housewives cast well okay she screamed at a moose okay so i'll go with that if we get the cast i can't i just, like, diss all your casting. That's not very fair. It's not fair. Okay, so Claudia Jordan, welcome. Welcome to this new show.

I think I would pick the chick from Real Housewives of D.C. who's, like, a total bitch on wheels who called everything out. Oh, Cat O'Manny. Cat O'Manny, yeah. Yes. I would pick her because she's awful and amazing. And she's probably the grumpiest person I've ever seen in my life. And I love a grump.

Yeah, Cat O'Manny, that's a fantastic one. So Claudia, Cat. Part of me kind of wants Mikhail Salahi because she's a disaster. But I feel like there's some others we can get to before we get to Mikhail Salahi. I'm trying to think in a weird way I almost want Quinn from season three of Real Housewives of Orange County just because she made no sense um and she wore she wore a mean wig it's really more of a it's more of a nod to Matt Woodfield because I know he I know he has a special love for Quinn um okay I'll take the vajazzle lady from Real Housewives of New York because I just need somebody.

First of all, I love someone who's like hot glue gunning like plastic jewels on flappy vaginas in New York. To me, that's the most hilarious idea. And also, I just like that she's like, these women are idiots. Yeah. Really? I just love her to be in every scene. I really really really what idiots um talks like this i'm trying to think of who i'm trying to think of other i actually would put i would do um i would do lydia from orange county also because uh she was you know i liked l Lydia because she was sort of like whoa

but then she would like call people out after their shit all the time so I liked Lydia I would welcome her back Bueller agrees with me yeah he's like Lydia he's all mad that he has to watch Lydia for another season I did like Lydia because I like her like faux Christian

storyline where she's like I'm really Christian but then they questioned her on stuff and she didn't know anything about where she's like, I'm really Christian, but then they questioned her on stuff and she didn't know anything about it. She's like, what? Who's Jesus? And then she was talking about charities and stuff. And she didn't, she was just faking it, basically. I think she just needed friends,

so she became a Christian because there's so many white people in church. She was like, oh, there's people to hang out with and have cookies with. Yeah. But then it didn't work out. Okay. So Lydia.

I just wish I could pick Lydia's mother because I know that she starts shit with everybody. What with her dirty feet. Yeah. Her dirty feet on couches. I just want to see Lydia's mother go put her feet on couches. Yeah. But we can't choose the mother, so let me see. What would

be another good one? Larsa Pippen? Larsa Pippen? No, no. She's the worst. No, the girl who, the other one. The other young one. Chrissy Rice? Yes. The one who goes to charity events and never pays for a ticket. You mean the stepmother of the guy who tried

to punch Kenya this the season on real housewives of atlanta or the ex-stepmother because she was no that's tammy right no no chrissy rice was married to that guy's dad oh my goodness yeah no i didn't even know that but that's even better because then maybe we'd get to see Tammy every once in a while. Oh, I couldn't stand Christy. It's Christy Rice, actually, I think. But I don't know. Larsa. I would want to put Larsa because I feel like Larsa and Claudia, that would be a really interesting combination.

And Cat O'Manny. I think that's. Okay, let's take Quinn out so we can open up some space. Because, I mean, Quinn really is worthless. And let's put in Carlton from Beverly Hills. Carlton? I could not stand Carlton. She was the worst.

Her phony religion and her phony house and her stripper pole. I was like, come on, girl. I can't believe. You must sound like wax paper going up and down that pole. Yeah. Remember when she got offended when she was telling the story about how she killed a bee oh no someone killed a bee in front of her and she's like i can't believe someone would do that we kill a bee in front of me that's a living thing well you killed a plastic tree for those tits oh and by the way i didn't mean wax paper i meant sandpaper obviously like why is somebody sanding the stripper pole people are like what does wax paper sound like going down a stripper pole and how do you know

that um okay so that was good that's a good question and that's actually a good show i would watch that show yeah a hundred percent a hundred percent i would watch any show that i cast okay what's what's the next question been oh the next question is from lauren grobowski and she's requested this in james voice so what's your thoughts you basic bitches about the obviously staged aspects of the housewives and other bravo shows girl for instance if they're taping on sir vanderpump and kristin shows. Isn't she actually showing up? That was a record player going back and forth. Oh, okay.

So, yeah, of course they're staged and stuff. That is an interesting question because someone mentioned call sheets recently. I don't even know where I read that. But in some story they were story they were like oh my god if you look at this call sheet and i thought that was the funniest thing because the call sheet does list like here's where we're gonna shoot and here's all the people that are gonna be shooting that day so everybody can get organized and it is kind of funny it's barbecue at kyle's house and then everyone has to act surprised that they see right each other or they have to act surprised well i don't think they all i don't think they all find i don't think they all know from from my from what we've like heard from other reality stars they'll tell you you're gonna be at this scene and these

are the people that are gonna be there and then it's like surprise this person's there too yeah because this week i don't think that lisa vanderpump newfay was gonna be there because she would have prepared something you know yeah she did not she was not expecting that at all yeah she would have had that playboy in her suitcase or something when she came there yeah I I think that you know definitely there's a lot of staging in terms of just getting people in the same place and and getting them fighting and moving the story along but I feel I always feel like they sort of set the stage for a scenario and then the women just go at it you know I like these real housewives, they're not good enough actresses to do all this emoting, like the anger and the crying, et cetera, et cetera. If they were good enough actresses to act those emotions out, then they would actually be actresses.

I think they'd be working actresses. And you can see when people are faking it, you can see because you're like, oh, that seems like it's totally staged and read. But when someone gets angry and their veins are bulging, I don't believe that Kyle Richards is a good enough actress to be faking that emotion right then and there. But I could

also be naive. Oh, Kyle was terrible. A, I've seen her act. I mean, everyone has, you know er and well i don't even remember her on er i just know she was like you know she was like an under five or something on er every week and then i saw her on some soap opera and she was very kyle-ish you know but even on this show she can't fake anything i mean she's the least subtle person ever on these shows yeah her shit stirring is terrible, so they do get call sheets, but yeah, I guess they're surprised

every once in a while. Yeah. So the next question. In the Krappens mailbag. That was my next question music. I'm imagining our little Krappens mailman coming through with another envelope. And this one is from Jocelyn. Jocelyn asks, I'm imagining our little Crabbin's mailman coming through with another envelope.

And this one is from Jocelyn. Jocelyn asks, Ramona talking to animals. Would you please do the same, but with Ramona talking to Lisa's animals? Okay. Lisa. If your name is Jiggy, then why is it spelled with a G at the beginning? I don't get it, okay? I don't get it, okay? I don't get it, okay?

Because to me, that's Jiggy, and that's a stupid name, okay? I'm just saying, okay? Okay, like I've worked in fashion for like 30 years. Okay, I know what I'm talking about a little bit. Okay, I know how to look at samples. Okay, I know how to look at rugs. I know how to look at carpets. I know how to look at fabrics.

I can tell the difference between these things. When I look at this little dog, I don't think Jiggy. I think a Gigi, okay? I'm sorry. That's just the way he reminds me of things. Why is this dog bald? This dog is missing big clumps of hair all over it. You know what your dog needs? He needs to be renewed, okay? This dog is like a library

cart that expired five years ago. It's not gonna, like, be getting any books from the library, okay, Jiggy? You're like a book that can't be rented, it's not going to be getting any books from the library, okay, Jiggy? You're like a book that can't be rented, Jiggy. You need renewed. Hey, Hanky. Hey, Hanky. You know what? You're being rude right now. You're being day class A right now, Hanky, okay? You're pooping in the pool, okay? I'm sorry. That's not nice, Hanky. I'm sorry. I can't even look at Hanky because one time when i was growing up my father was making fried chicken in the kitchen and he was using panky crumbs and my mom said when is the chicken gonna be ready and he threw a fried chicken at my mom's head and she still has a red

dot above her head it's so disturbing i'm sorry okay whoa whoa this is weird so i was looking at hanky and panky okay and i was thinking these swans okay and i was like whoa this reminds me of when i was a child okay and geraldine parsons smith came over for dinner okay and my dad said what we can have for dinner and my mom said i don't know i'll make something with chicken broth and she got out the swans and chicken broth and he threw it across the room and it exploded on the wall and he said ramona no dinner for you and i was like okay i hope you got that little horse for cheap because it's really little okay i've never seen a horse so little like that's not even a real horse that's like a little mini stupid horse like who would pay so much for a dumb horse

like that's not even a horse that's like a dog you've got a bald dog a horse and like twin swans that stained my mother's forehead okay this is like really weird okay like like i think that i'm having growth spurt you know it's weird i'm like in my 50s but i'm having growth spurt i think i'm going to a second puberty because i just had a growth but i'm like i think i must probably be about nine feet tall right now because that horse is so small that horse only comes up to my knees i think i'm actually a giantess it's crazy i just want everybody to know that i'm totally fine alone but But if you could have your bald dog, like, wrap one of these cucumber sandwiches up in some tinfoil, I can leave it in the fridge just in case Mario stops by.

You know, not that I care, but just in case, okay? You know what I really like about Dad, yo? He reminds me of Sunshine. And scene. And... Anything reminding Ramona of sunshine is the end. Thank you to everybody who asked us questions in the Crap-N's Mailbag. Yes, Crap-N's Mailbag.

Wait, I hear that there's a tune to end the segment. There are actually more questions in the Crabbins mailbag, but we will get to them on the next episode. We sure will, okay. Just like Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg on the next episode. That's right. I can talk about those things, okay? Let's start with Ash. Why don't we do Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Let's do it.

Let's be crazy. Let's get nuts. The people versus Faye Resnick. Oh, my God. Faye Resnick versus humanity. This woman is horrible. Horrible. No, I actually did not take too many notes,

because since I know you do the recap for this on your wonderful site, TrashTalkTV.com. Never count on those because they're 10 pages. Like now I'm going to be scrolling through 10 pages of stuff and you're going to be like, oh, no, it's going to be 20 hours. But here's the thing. I feel like you do that anyway. So this way it's more like I know you're going to be going through all of it. I feel like you do that anyway. So this way, it's more like I know you're going to be going through all of it. So this way, rather than me go crazy with the notes, I can rely on my memory.

But I did take some notes on some very specific things. And literally, I took four notes. And one of them was a macro note. One of them was, Lisa's so nosy this season. But yeah. That's a microaggression against Rinna i'm starting to get a major aggression against rena she's really starting to get on my last goddamn nerves on this show okay and i do have a few nerves left that's why i said my last nerves okay i've got like four

he has a few left he has a few left right now and you're on his last one he's coming to you um so we open with ken and lisa basically shuffling down uh santa monica boulevard okay these two act like they just ran a marathon they're walking like they've walked through egypt okay they look like the poster for ishtar they're like oh darling where's the manna this is so difficult mother load is right next door to pump like yeah you guys walked outside and they're like i'm exhausted darling i would be exhausted too if i walked past mother load it's a lot to take in it is i go there because you know that's where people drinks well yeah cheap strong drinks yes um bartenders still

have attitude but they're fatter than most so they don't like you can give them attitude back without worrying about you know feeling terrible about yourself and also like normal people hang out there it's not like really the abbey the abbey's around the corner and that's like the big premier gay bar that is now owned by you know some big straight conglomerate or whatever and then next to that and the abbey is between sir and pump just for those who don't live here which is probably almost everybody. I don't know why I'm laughing. I'm like, oh, that's such a good geographical color on it.

So they're all on the same block. So it's the biggest gay bar in L.A., right between Sur and Pump. And then next to Pump is the Motherlode. And then next to that is some closed-down place, which I'm guessing was that Chichi Lurie sex shop that they went to. Well, no, no. I. Well, here's the thing. Yes and no.

They're building coolies. You know, coolies. No, but that's just going to bring lesbians in. It sounds too much like koozie. I don't like that. What's a coolie? Cool. It's like so the guy who runs who owns the abbey is named like david cooley or

something c-o-o-l-e-y that's the gayest name i've ever heard david cooley oh oh by the way since we're about to go on a tear about someone's name we probably should mention the fact that on our previous episode we made fun of this guy satchel we're like satchel what sort of name is satchel and then we went on a run which admittedly was a really fun run where we pretended people were named different bags and then uh of course this is why it's good to have a facebook community to check us because you know even we even we the checkers need to be checked and and basically people amongst them angie our friend angie was like um satchel page was like a really important african-american baseball player so we were like i don't care about baseball players what the hell do i know about baseball

players i like their bubble butts listen here's the thing we were totally being ignorant to to the importance of the word satchel the name satchel but if we see a chance to make a really fun like joke run we're gonna do it so we apologize i don't care how many baseball players are named satchel there are more bags named satchel okay so we still that's true do you know there's a football player named haha like ha ha that's so not everyone's exempt okay so satchel you're gonna get a pass but a lot of a lot of y'all i'm still gonna make fun of your name i have a friend named lol but it's spelled l-o-w-e-l-l but i like calling him lol like l-o-w-e-l-l yeah it's like a normal name lol yeah but i just call

him lol because i like to say lol remember there was lol and wings um no which one was lol the nerdy brother is thomas hidden church was lol. Oh, like the crazy brother? No, that was like the drunk at the airport, right? He was like the mechanic or something. My brain is always going to go to wings. Any chance it has to go to wings, it's going to go. I didn't like wings. I wasn't a huge fan. I watched it for Crystal Bernard.

But Tony Shalhoub's weird balky accent made me nervous. Yeah, that's a good note. And there was a woman named Faye on that, too, which is funny because we're talking about Faye Resnick today. Still alive, still amazing, by the way, and still looks exactly the same. That woman hit 60 and has stayed there. Really? That's the older lady from Wings, right? Yeah, Faye.

Yeah, Faye hit 60 and I don't know. Faye is literally turning into Chuck E. Cheese. She even has the two little stick Faye Resnick. She has those two little Chuck E. Cheese buck teeth that stick right out of her lips. Wait, are we talking about Faye from Wings or Faye Resnick? I moved on. I was talking about Faye from Wings, who was the older lady from Wings, but then I just naturally moved on to this. I thought you were saying that Faye from Wings still looks exactly the same.

I'm like, really? It's 20 years. Yeah, she does. Maybe she has a portrait of her attic it's the portrait of dorian faye dorian faye oh my god it's like those people who become vampires when they're like 70 and they're like god damn it now i have to be 70 my entire life couldn't you have bitten me when i was 20 that is the worst time but then you could also be the other end you could be kristen dunst age and you get bitten but then you get bitten by someone like tom cruise or brad pitt it's okay oh girl kirsten dunst just got bit by fargo oh no kirsten dunst no no that was not that was not cute i feel like i'm at the perfect age to be bitten by a vampire i'm just gonna put that out there not me my time has passed i do not

want to spend eternity with these stretch marky arms flapping all over the place. I feel like I'm Vampire Prime. Actually, no, probably like eight years ago. I think my hair was a little fuller then. Okay, I'm past my Vampire Prime. Fine, I admit it. If you could get bit by a vampire but also get more hair and a perfect body and then stay like that, I'd do it. Now, that would be great.

If being bit by a vampire meant that you just became killer sexy. That would be fantastic. I don't want to have to drink blood because I don't even like talking to people outside. Could you imagine having to go suck them clean of all of their blood? Disgusting. Who does that? Vampires. Gross.

Okay, yeah. So Lisa's still outside a gay bar with her husband. A sex shop. So they're like shuffling down the sidewalk. This was literally a two-second scene. I don't know why it was so exciting to me, but it cracked me up. So they go to Chi Chi LaRue's sex shop, which is the most overpriced sex shop in the world. They're like, here's a dildo for $500.

Girl, I could get a real dick for the price of that rubber dick. Get out of here. And also, I'm sorry I keep saying get out of here. I think it's because they're filming New Jersey right now and I'm thinking of Joe. I was going to say, it's like your new catchphrase. It's like a little bit, it's a little like Uncle Joey.

Just a touch. Cut it out. Get out of here. I have to stop it. It's Joe from Real Housewives of New York. Get out of here with that. Get out of here with that. What it it's joe from uh real house west new york get out of here with that get out of here with that what who cares so what so what who cares okay i've got to stop saying it okay the point is they go to a sex shop ken has taken over the lease because they're trying to take over that entire block in west hollywood i'm not really happy with this, Ben, as someone who lives here. Well, I think I'd prefer his ill-advised sports pub than some overpriced sex store.

You want us to open an English tavern there? No, you're not going to serve me a fucking potato pie for $30 because you know that's what it's going to be. Yeah. It's funny. When he said that, I was like, okay, he wants that because he would like that, but is he aware of the neighborhood? The only thing that works in West Hollywood is gay bars with muscle-clad

people working in them or cheap, shitty food. anytime someone tries to launch like like like pretty solid decent food like a like a legit restaurant on santa monica boulevard it doesn't work no one goes there for serious dining they only want like the shitty food like shitty fast food or fast casual food that you can have when you get out of your bar or millions of milkshakes or millions of milkshakes yeah you can get a slice when you're wasted of your bar. Or millions of milkshakes. Or millions of milkshakes. Yeah. You can get a slice when you're wasted, or you can get a million milkshakes for, you know,

like chunky fag hags or whatever who come out with you on the weekend. That being said, the fast casual slash fast food options in WeHo have really, they're doing well. They got guisados in there now. They got Cousin's Main Lobster. Those lobster rolls are delish. Shake Shack is moving in. They've got Five Guys.

It is a fast food dream for probably the most ab conscious block of America. Only open on Fridays and Saturdays. Yeah. Like Five Guys. And people only go there because it's called Five Guys and they think they're going to get some. Then they're like, no, I guess we're not. And it's fluorescent lighting. But hey, we can throw peanut shells on the ground and eaturgers let's do it guys girl snaps all around so speaking of

peanut shells um so yeah so lisa and ken are thinking uh like ken ken actually bought the lease for chichi larue and he wants to turn it into an english pub and they moved it now it's gone so i guess that worked and they're only doing this to give Max a job, but the kicker is they're not going to give Max a restaurant. He says, oh, I want Max to have somewhere to be assistant manager at, darling. You can't even buy a place and make your son the manager. He still has to be an assistant manager. Cut to the night before in Vanderpump Rules,

and he's downing a beer bong with broken teeth and antibiotics. I'm like like I don't know if this is the sort of judgment we want uh to be assistant managing a restaurant look her restaurants are lit with a black light and you sit basically on the floor like you're on a squatty potty about that I don't think that anyone's really paying attention to any of that that's true that's true so um what's next I think the next is we go to Donnie and Catherine, right? It's like Catherine's first official. Yes, I officially hate Catherine now. Yay.

Thank you, scene. Yep, hater. What an idiot. I don't hate her, but here's what I did hate. That Donnie and Catherine, they pull up to go to their jeweler, and they park in the red zone. It was full-on red zone, and there was not a valet on site. Even if there was one, you're not supposed to do that. I was like, they just – at first, I was like, well, maybe Donnie's just letting Catherine out, and then was not a valet on site. Even if there was one, you're not supposed to do that. I was like, they just...

At first, I was like, well, maybe Donnie's just letting Catherine out, and then he's going to keep driving away. No. They both got out of the car. The car was not even a wheel in the red zone. It was both axles fully in the red zone. It got me so mad. Yeah, they're both obnoxious as fuck. Okay?

Both of them. On the drive there, they're talking... They're trying to convince us they're fabulous or whatever. I like her. And Donnie says, remember when we were at Westminster Abbey with the queen, babe? Okay, that's not what it's called, stupid, first of all. Come on. I remember one time when Donnie Edwards, I think when he was on the Kansas City Chiefs, maybe at San Diego.

But they didn't get to the playoffs or something. And I remember in his in like when he's talking to the press afterwards, he was like moping. He's like, what about me? What about Donnie Edwards? When am I going to get to the playoffs? It's like, shut up when you start speaking about yourself in the third person. And when you learn how to pronounce Westminster Abbey, you dumb, dumb. But he is hot and gay, right? He's gay, right? You know, I hate to be the guy,

the gay guy that thinks everyone is gay, and I hate to do that, but I'm not going to lie, I did I don't think everybody's gay. I don't have a good gaydar. I mean, my gaydar is terrible. I date straight people all the time. Like, it's terrible. He's gay, right i i did

get a weird vibe but i'm not i i don't know i don't i don't i i i need i need more information i mean if she set up in the first episode that she's the turn the blind eye which in this episode turned to she said i'm the turn the tongue to the left of the eye like her sayings are so off um i just don't like her because look i know that the beginning of the housewives your first scene has to be about how rich and fabulous you are but i just don't like when people do that and i know they have to but it just really bugged me and then she has a private jeweler i'm so sure i'm gonna go to my private tj max now your private jeweler a jeweler for money i'll jewel what you want me to jewel and they're looking at all these jewels and the who did we say the other day five-ish what's his name for

five-ish finkel that was basically him wasn't it when he came on i was like it's the real five-ish finkel i don't even remember what he looked like because i was still so mad about the red zone i guess is it just like donnie he's just like well you know i still have these like instincts with football if i see the red zone i'm gonna park in it she's obnoxious i will not fly anything but first class i mean business class forget about it red zone west minister abby talking about jewels that cost five million dollars or whatever and then trying them on and saying honey can i have it and i'm saying you can have whatever you want but you know we're redoing that kitchen okay well you can win today but we'll be back like thanks for wasting five ish finkels time

he just got up from a nap thinking he was gonna make a five damn million dollar sale and you just tried shit on and left bitch I'm not buying it get out of here they weren't gonna buy it either way um I don't know like it didn't really bother me as much I I thought it was like fine filler it was like it like you said it's like the standard first scene that you see with the housewife where they you're either gonna see her chasing around a kid or buying jewelry or something ridiculous you know I kind of liked it I like that she's like well we don't have kids so instead we're just gonna you know the money that we're saving on kids we're gonna go to travel and you know when we travel we're gonna fly in first class because we basically have the money for it now because we don't have those damn kids um i think

that i hate her because i've seen the entire episode so by the end i hated her so by this part why are you so mad at her for saying we only fly first when you have erica who's like yeah well we have two plans i mean i'm prepared to hate erica as well i have not been on the erica bandwagon every week i've said i like her so far but i'm prepared to hate her because i hear though but erica but i'm saying erica committed a worse infraction i think what she was saying like ah well was saying, we have a big plane for this and a small one for regional. That's, I think, worse than

I never fly business. Well, I call her out for being gross, too. It's not like I'm unfair. I've called Erica gross, too. I mean, they're all gross, but I've called Erica out every week. Catherine, I have your back and your husband's hot, so you know what?

Catherine, you're a pussy. You have no balls. So you know what? Catherine, you're a pussy. You have no balls. You can't even read a book you're in. Then all you do is brag about money you didn't make on your second husband. Get out of here, lady. And I'm trying to stop saying get out of here, but you're making it very difficult, Catherine. It's okay. You can say get out of here.

No, I hate it. You know, I mean, I think here's the thing that you should be relying on in your defense of your thoughts of Catherine, which is that Hanky doesn't like her. So if Hanky doesn't like her, he's a pretty good barometer of character. God, we are really the same person because I have a screenshot in the recap of Hanky about to strike this bitch. He looks like the Karate Kid Hanky, the Karate Swan. He does. He's like the Hillary Swank.anky, the Karate Swan. He does. He's in total strike mode.

Hey, there's puppy. Whatever she says. This girl's an idiot. Hey there, you little donkey. And he looks like he's going to kill her. And he's standing protectively in front of that statue that he thinks is Ken Vanderpump. Hanky's on the side with a little drum with the balls on it. of that statue that he thinks is hanky's on the side with a little drum with the balls on it sorry that was a karate kid 2 reference meanwhile are the great swans even still alive

no they they brought in katherine they recruited katherine they're like they basically it's like basically kathy moriarty and um Downey Jr. They brought in Catherine for Hanky. Catherine is the Kevin Kline and Hanky is Sally Field. Swan dish. Swan dish. They're like, this will get Hanky out of the pond and then it'll be our pond. So the next scene is... I guess that means that Panky is Elizabeth Shue.

Poor Elizabeth's shoe. No one even knows what swan she is. No one cares. Well, no, that means that Panky's going to have a big moment soon. Panky's going to become the biggest star of them all. If we're looking at the swan dish where you have, you basically have four swans and then Catherine. Panky's all of a sudden got a tiara i look like goddamn tweety bird yeah it's a yellow it's a

yellow turban so who's kathina jimmy and kathina jimmy uh is is i don't even think it should be an animal i think it should be rosio because she's always running behind everybody just like cleaning up their shit and then you know like putting on their clothes and stuff and i could totally imagine one of the black swans getting on the house intercom and quacking no turbans for hanky no turbans for hanky i'm going to pch those are my people those are my people david ro, you're fired. Oh, God. Just kidding.

Hanky goes and stands outside Swan Lake downtown just so he can be asked for autographs. The Lisa Gibbons comes on the day when they all get into a big swan fight. Lisa Gibbons. She would show up. It wasn't her. That was David Foster's ex-wife But the one who's like Look at the ocean guys

The ocean is so much bigger than all of this Can't we just be lucky That we're by an ocean Shut up Linda And I think that Daddy-O is clearly Terry Hatcher In that like there's a presence But doesn't do much in the actual movie But then behind the scenes is the worst.

Dr. Monica Delmonica? Yes. Everyone hates Terry Hatcher in real life. I don't think I've ever heard one story about Terry Hatcher being nice. They're all about her being a cut fitness. It doesn't matter. I love Terry Hatcher.

And then Terry Hatcher was broke for a zillion years and then got Desperate Housewives, and you thought, oh, well, now she'll be nice. Nope. People were like, I'm not shooting with Terry Hatcher. Felicity Huffman's like, F her. I'm not going near that bitch. I love her.

Isn't it weird? I have this. I'm really expressing a lot of love for people that you hate today. I know. It's okay. It's okay. You're in a more positive place than me. And you know what?

It works. Maybe you'll drag me into a more positive place as well. For right now, I hate all of that. All right. So there was the jeweler. Next is Kyle's house. So Kyle is at home planning this barbecue, which was not a barbecue, which we'll get to later. Which I really resent.

It's basically Kyle walking around in a Moo Moo, moo you know pretending to call people on her phone while porsche is learning to roller skate i think on one skate right she's using one skate and then a crutch like to help and inside shouldn't she be roller skating outside not inside i just have so many questions about the parenting of porsche you know faye installed linoleum wood in there. The original decor was actually supposed to be roller rink chic. Kyle's like, yeah, you know, Faye's such a good designer. I mean, you could mark her on this floor.

You could do anything to it, and when you're done with it, you just unstick it and put a new sticker down. All our walls are actually just dry erase boards. Oh, Kyle. That's what her forehead's starting to look like you need to stop sanding that thing down kyle it's too shiny it's too much sanding it looks crazy it looks like one of those apples in a grocery store that they wax to make it brighter and shinier and you're like yeah but now i'm eating wax anyway i think it's funny that k funny that Kyle is such a hypochondriac.

She's faux afraid of flying and faux afraid of needles and all this. She's faking so many things that her kids now think it's like a toy. It's a fun day to walk around on a crutch. Come on, Kyle. I know. So anyway, she just invites people around. She invites everyone, yeah. So now Eileen and her family are going to Italy for two weeks.

Oh, yeah, because Eileen's sister died, which is sad. And they're going to spread the ashes in places. And so I think this scene was just them packing and bringing things to the car. And then her niece comes over. And then Eileen's like, I think it's for the ashes. And the niece is like, cool. And she said, I removed them from the Ziploc bag and then put them in this compact.

And I'm thinking, you had your sister. Why are you telling the daughter that you had her mother in a Ziploc bag? And now you put her in a makeup contact and you're the one pretending to cry? Meanwhile, the daughter is just trying to find a drink. You know that Vinny gambled away the urn and he gave him a pike out. He's like, I could get another poker hand for this vase. Okay, take it.

I need the dust, though. I need to try the Wizard of Oz slot, so I pawned in the urn. So the Real Housewives of New York Carol was the first time we saw someone spread ashes. That's really the only time I ever need to see that again. Oh, no, it's not the first time because we saw Sonia spread Milou. That's what I was going to say. And I was just jumping ahead a little bit when Eileen spread the ashes over the balcony in Italy.

I was like, this really is a nice step up from Milou. I have to say. This iteration of the storyline has gone in the right direction. See, I'm totally opposite. And I'm not arguing with you on purpose, but A, I do not need to see another ashes spread scene. B,

it's so tacky to be doing this on TV. And I thought so with Carol too. I just think it's gross and tacky and like you need something to do. So now you're going to spread your sister. And C, yes, you flew to Italy, but then you just ended up throwing her off the balcony of the Ramada Inn in Italy. I mean, what the hell? At least rent a gondola or some shit. Like, put her in some water.

You just threw her over the balcony. I did think that was a little hot. That hit some innocent family below them. That's funny. I was thinking that. That's why I thought of Milu, because when Sonia spread Milu's ashes, there was like a wind gust, and all of Milu's ashes got on everyone. And Luan was like, ah, ah, ah. That's why Luan, you know, barks sometimes still.

Like, just eggs in the front. Say it, honey. you know bark sometimes still like this eggs in the front say nothing that would make a great disney movie where luanne gets possessed by milu a very proud dog isn't that what happened in that movie all of me with steve martin and lily tomlin basically it was like um it was like a metal trinket fell out of a building like where lily tomlin was was dying and there was some weird guru and then like her soul was put into this little metal trinket

that went out the window and like landed on Steve Martin's head. I would love to see all of me with Milou and Luan. I would love it. And you know,

like Milou controls one half of Luan's body and Luan controls the other half and it would be just fantastic. Bollywood, la la la, boop boop boop boop. Don't tell Jacquet that I have... Luan peeing and Luan controls the other half, and it would be just fantastic. I'm Ballyhoo. Flalala.

Bop, bop, bop, bop. Don't tell Jacquet that I have. Luan peeing on fire hydrants. Be cool. Don't be all on. Look, I'm Ed Petchow, a la Francaise. All of me, Lu. All of me, Lu. Ahmed Petchel, La Francaise. Olive Milou. Olive Milou.

Oh my god, this is like a blockbuster video in here. It's like every movie. We're going through all that. You know that big business in Jurassic Park around the corner. You just wait, everyone. We've gone from Wings, which granted was a tv show but still wings soap dish all of me i can't no more maybe we'll just go through all lily tomlin's movies so uh let me see vince vince vince i wrote more about this paragraph i mean about this scene i wrote more paragraphs about

this scene than eileen has done on this show like i can't even believe how much i wrote about this scene. I wrote more paragraphs about this scene than Eileen has done on this show. I can't even believe how much I wrote about this stupid scene. Okay, Catherine and Rinna meet for brunch. Boring. Let's fast forward. I'm bored too. Yeah, that was such a nothing scene. Rinna's like, well, I'm trying to remember.

We used to hang out in the 90s. And then Catherine's like, yeah, I'm trying to remember. We used to hang out in the 90s. And then Catherine's like, yeah, it's crazy. And Rena's like, yeah. Isn't sweet butter a great place to have brunch? Yeah, crazy. I know. Do you like fillers? I love fillers.

Have you had your boobs done? I have. And then Catherine says, what about your lips? Because, I mean, you've had your lips done, right? Yes, catherine says what about your lips because i mean you've had your lips done right yes i'm just trying to get them out what do you mean you're trying to get them out you're trying to get them out and you couldn't get them out i mean they're two like pez dispensers for christ's sake woman have someone make a slit in your lip and pull the damn thing out what's so difficult about it i know it's like fascinating brunch okay so then we moved on to um is it next the store the store with faye now this was a tricky scene because this isn't

faye's store right faye was just shopping in a store or was it faye's store no they were they were just shopping in a store you know in, in like, you know, million dollar decorator style. And then there was like a coaster. And Faye's like, oh, yes, I made this for Paris's apartment in New York. And she loves it so much. And of course, it has a beautiful vase on it while Eileen's trekking around Italy with a Ziploc. Could you maybe help someone who needs it? What is Kyle going to put in a vase? I know.

Yeah. someone who needs it what is kyle gonna put in a vase i know um yeah yeah it was like this is when they talk with all these vases glued to it that was weird uh so this was yeah but yeah right this is when kyle sits down with fay and it's like you know just you know catherine's like i'm gonna be at the barbecue he's like no i'm fine to talk to her you know it's such a painful time for me you know it was so hard for me to exploit my dead friends. So I don't really want to have that conversation anymore. That was in the past. If people talk about Nicole and I'm not offered a coup spread, I'm going to be really mad. And I don't know if I want to do that at your barbecue, Kyle.

I just don't know. barbecue kyle i just don't know faye resnick is so ridiculous and this whole thing of kyle pretending oh you're gonna redo my closet and now we let's get all the cast from oj on so you guys can fight all these years later i yeah where's marcia where's marcia clark why isn't she a cast member at this point oh my god who's playing marcia clark by the way sarah paulson oh my god that should start this it starts on tuesday i can't wait to see marcia clark's wig because that was the best hair ever that tight little poodle perm so it's called a poodle perm because it's so true i don't know i will never forget that hair hilarious and she's still sometimes a talking head on cnn or whatever she's the legal expert which is hilarious because she lost kind of an obvious case yeah but um she doesn't have

that hair anymore and i can't even look at her now like stop trying to make me take you seriously with your part and your bangs get the yeah no get the poodle back girl poodle that's your look marcia like we all have our things ronnie has get out of here dave coulier has cut it out and you have poodle poodle perm i'm not gonna ever say get out of here again get out of here that's a promise the studio audience that is a promise damn it okay so next blah blah blah vince and eileen again we already talked about that i lean says i'm gonna i have to do this my sister thing honey and he's looking at a map and just like i have to hear this again he has that look on his face and she's legit crying now which is so sad i thought and he's just

looking at her like can i please leave when she said okay well i can do well, I can do this alone. He's like, okay, great. Call me if you need me. He's like, you want me to make a toast about all the dumbass things your sister ever did? I did a great job with my dad. He's downstairs running a shell game while she's, he's like, whoa, I just got a gust of dirt all over my face. Where did that come from? Italy is so dirty. Someone just drive over a dust patch?

Be nice to my sister, you gambling addict. Wait, who was that? Get out of my eye, evil sister eye booger. Sister eye booger. I'm alluding to your sister. We're horrible human beings. But at least we're not doing it on tv if you ever die i promise to scatter your ashes respectfully like i don't know like i'll mix them in with a think thin

bar and feed them to a homeless person or something i mean something nice you know i'm not gonna go on tv and do it that's just tacky yeah okay so kyle what is she talking about now this idiot oh she's planning her barbecue kyle phoniest look in a line of how many housewives are there now like a there's at least 100 housewives now at least 3 000 yeah kyle is the phoniest out of all and that's a humongous prize she's acting all kooky look at me with a caterer you know when i do everything myself i just can't talk to my friends but this way i can still talk to my friends yeah i said it i got a caterer i said it kyle you've always had a caterer you've never done anything alone and even furthermore and the only reason i still have any shred of like for you you get this shit

all for free yeah and by the way if you're throwing a barbecue that's pretty much the easiest thing you just throw the meat on the grill and talk to your friends or how about better yet have mauricio do it that's what husbands are for get him on the grill mauricio is not showing up on this show unless he's able to show an apartment he is not coming back i was about to say unless unless mr weber himself wants to buy a mansion. He is not getting on that grill. Poor Mauricio. Every time he comes on this show, the internet's like, you're fat. You're dumb.

You're sleeping with transgendered hookers. He's like, okay, okay, enough, enough. I stay home then. Okay, Kyle, I'll just be in here, and you do whatever you want. Okay, babe? But seriously, though, when you're doing a barbecue, that's like a really social kind of cooking. I mean you're on the grill and people stand around and you chat with people. Or just hire that dude.

She always has that party planner dude. Just get him to put something on the grill. Don't get it catered. It really bothers me because I know if someone said it's going to be a barbecue, I'm like, sweet. Like hot dogs and hamburgers. I am down. Potato salad. I love that. And then you show up and it'sers. I am down. Potato salad, I love that. And then you show up and it's like little plated food.

It's like carrots and sashimi. Yeah, that's not right. Yeah, fuck off, Kyle. So, okay, that's better than get out of here, right? Fuck off, Kyle. Fuck off with your faux barbecues. Okay, so next up, Catherine goes to lisa vanderpump's home so we've already talked about hanky about to murder her this was hilarious i love that lisa

vanderpump is kind of learning her lesson she did not bring this bitch into her closet for the first time because normally that's what lisa does she's like yeah welcome to my home. Here's a cup of tea. This is Rocio. And this is the closet. My darling, my soul. And she's been shat on too many times. So now she's like, okay, straight to the back patio with some tea, bitch. Yeah. And Lisa is now, she's like at the, she's turning that corner age-wise where you just become super nosy and just ask all sorts of inappropriate questions.

It's like all old people do this. How old are you? Okay. You married yet? Okay. You have a girlfriend? Okay. Where'd you go to school?

Okay. What's your job like? How much are you earning? It's like you hit like a certain age and then you just start asking those questions. And that's what Lisa's been doing all season. So she sits down with Catherine and she's like, how old are you? Oh, 51. All right.

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But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy

early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. the words black history. Rosa Parks, reconstruction, MLK, February, black history month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August, 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others.

Follow black history for real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad free on Wondery plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Do you know what a kegel is? Have you ever seen a giant rubber ass

that fits around your husband's head and sinks you at the same time? I have, darling. Roth IRA or classic IRA? Which one is it? Lisa is just peppering her with questions and I like that she's kind of standoffish with her, too. Because she doesn't know.

Everybody just turns on her. Especially that she's asking questions. My favorite thing of the season is that people are mad that Lisa asks questions. Because they literally, especially now that we're seeing her do it in every episode, I think you're right. I think it's just a corner she's turned where that's what comes out i mean what the hell is she gonna talk about but also but also by the way all these women are just as nosy as lisa but for some reason it feels wrong when lisa does it because she has heretofore been the paradigm of or the paragon of of class and you know etiquette uh but but the

truth is that like they're all nosy they're all asking questions that they shouldn't be asking all the time i mean you know we'll see a way with kyle later on i think it's also a take down the queen thing because they do it on every housewife show nini is the queen you know hate lover or hater i 80 hate these days but i've loved her as well but when there's the queen you take the queen queen down. And every show they do it. And this one, Lisa's in the center. She's holding the center, you know, plastic diamond or whatever. And I think they're just always going to try and take Lisa down.

But you can't take her down because she does not care, okay? She'll cry a little bit. But at the end of the day, she's still doing two hours a week commercials for free. She's getting paid to do commercials for her shitty restaurant. So she doesn't care. So she's asking her all these questions and katherine gets slightly offended she starts getting offended and puffy you know like well would it be okay if i asked your age yeah of course it would why don't you try it well lisa did not do her her new patented line which is and remember darling you can ask me anything you want.

Well, she learned that that's, you know, basically offensive to people. I don't even think she knows what to say anymore. She's like, here's some tea. I hope it doesn't offend you. Yeah. I would ask you if you want sugar, but I don't want to ask too many questions. Now tell me about your black husband. When she told her my husband is younger and black don't crack. And Lisa's like, oh.

All right. I see. younger and um black don't crack and lisa's like oh all right i see lisa was all down with it that's so hot that's why those swans look so good what the black swans i mean katherine saying um i like the swans but they leave giant piles of shit everywhere. No thanks. I thought that was funny. No one ever points that out. Lisa's house must just smell. Yeah, and also, swans are supposed to be evil. I don't even know why Lisa's swans are so kind. Maybe it's because they were reared since they were little

swanlings. They're not kind. Cygnets, or whatever they're called. They bite people. They bit Lisa and Ken right on camera. I know know but normally they just bite Everyone gets so close to them on the show And I feel like in real life You can't get as close to them as people get on the show But they're pretty

We have that picture on our Facebook page Of Lisa nuzzling with the swan With Hanky And then it probably took her wig off Slapped her with it we didn't see that part you know they edit so kyle's party is getting started and yoli is still dying of something that's what i wrote because she showed up in her non-makeup makeup and a ponytail yeah and now she has a poncho because she can't move her arms yet which you know we've heard

because tons of people have had boot drops on this show. So, you know, we know. Not the same kind, but still. So she comes in in her poncho and her trademark white jeans, which still have not been washed. You know that shit still smells. Well, you know that denim dye is a leading toxin and contributor to Lyme disease. I'm wearing my gold jeans. I want to be as clear as these jeans.

I want my illnesses to be a clean slate, just like these white jeans. You know that Yolanda was there only for a little bit and the reason why she left probably had very little to do with Lyme disease and more because she's like, where the fuck are the hot dogs and hamburgers? There's not even a

fatburger truck for this one. I'm out of here here no one is going to serve me an almond okay i go yolanda is just wearing those white jeans so when she dies and goes she's like always ready to be an angel she's like i'm wearing this just in case they take me today i show up to heaven well prepared yeah um yolanda is only showing up because she has to because she's on an ensemble show and refusing to shoot with anybody so they make her come to five minutes of every event and she shows up in her poncho and her white jeans and her bad hair and tries to talk about illness and then people laugh in her face and she leaves i know and then i love when lisa rena shows Lisa Rinna starts talking to Yolanda like she's a little girl

She's like and Yolanda's here Look how good You look How old are you now Are you six now are you in first grade Now you look great Yolanda Oh I never even got to give you This lollipop after you got your teeth

Worked on here you go How you feeling You feeling okay let me take your temperature bend over get it guys and ren is like so uh worried because she's making it all about her i love that ren is making yolanda's lyme disease storyline about her that's kind of hilarious if you think about it it's every episode now and she's like oh my god i didn't know yolanda was gonna be here i've said so much about her what am i gonna do and of course yolanda is looking at her like you know the fourth almond in gg's mouth she's like you were to die i i get you i understand that i have heard lisa renner is making talky talk about me so you know i'm going to say something

when I figure out how to work the Google Translate. I'm going to say it good. Say it big. So let me say here, the ladies are so rude. No, it's okay. I'm scrolling through my 90-page recap. So the women

are really rude with Yol obviously at this point they're just flat out of line with their lime shit behind her back like to me it's just it's past acceptable it's gross now but uh we'll get to that in a bit but while right in front of her face they're so rude to her they're like like, where are your boobs? Oh, I got them removed. But you still have something there. No, they're gone. And Kyle's like, no, I see something. There's like some kind of boob.

Oh my God, you're not wearing nail polish, Yolanda. They're all talking about her boobs and her non-polish. And Yolanda says, I don't wear any product anymore because, you know, they can get to you and they make all of these problems. And, you know, they can kill you. No filler, no Botox. And they all start laughing in her face at her. Yeah. They're all like, well, we're going to die any second now then.

Because we're just 90% synthetic material at this point. And Rinne goes, yeah, but what about me? I mean, what about my fillers? Ha ha! And Yolanda goes, you'll feel it when they hit your brain what the hell i think they've already hit renee's brain which is why she's always cackling so much she's like the joker so good thanks for stopping by lady it's like they hit your brain okay i go yeah um so now vanderpump in the limo with

katherine i think everybody is just prepared to just hate lisa and lisa's just slumped in the limo like here we go another time to make the donuts darling she's sitting in that limo and katherine's saying uh what is she saying oh it's gonna be weird hanging around so many girls because i'm just not a girl's girl which get over it okay every you know erica says that yeah well that's always okay that's the biggest lie that anyone ever says i've had this rant before many many times when someone says oh i'm just i'm just like a guy i'm like a guy in a woman's body it's never true you're you're a woman and if you're always unless you're actually transgender okay then you are literally a man in a woman's body.

But, like, when women are like, oh, my God, I'm, like, such a guy. Yeah, you're, like, such a guy until you start, like, freaking out about things like a woman. Not to be all generalization-y, but, you know, like, there's certain things that. Well, with her, I more believed it because she said she's. I believe it more than with Lisa. She's like a guy. And I get it because I've met her husband husband and that would make the attraction make sense to me.

But, but no, but you know what I'm saying? Like there's certain things that like generally men react to certain things in a certain way. Women react to certain things in another way. And I always find that it's the, it's the women who like to brag about how much there's such a guy that are

like the biggest drama Queens of all. And also the ones who are trying to buy five million diamonds guess who doesn't do that guys yeah yeah well the best is i love how lisa was like when she's like i'm like a guy in a woman's body this is like that's what i always say and then she's like yeah but i'm me i but i really am she's like no i am no i am I am. That's my saying now. You can't steal it. But I want to be a man in a woman's body. No. You can't.

You can't. And Lisa, I mean, I love Lisa Vanderpump, but, you know, she, she, Catherine was right on this one. Lisa cannot be going around calling herself a man in a woman's body. Like, that is just, it's not, there's no evidence of that whatsoever. I know. The entire town thinking that you're a drag queen does not make you a man and a woman's body. She's a gay man. It just means you're wearing too much makeup.

She could be a gay man and a woman's body, and that I believe. Yeah, she's just a woman. Lisa's a very womanly woman to me. Anyway, who cares? You're all women, okay? No one needs to be a man in a woman's body no one needs that it's too much fighting on the inside yeah all of me i love that vanderpump walked into this party not only holding a bottle high she was holding the bottle like it's a new

baby she's presenting to the crowd but snottily like this is the king this is the baby king peasants but it's a bottle of her own branded rosé which is so rude i like that she's got so many ways to say fuck you to kyle she's like thank you darling now here's a plug for my wine and she walks in and sees faye and tells us, Ms. Resnick. I forgot why Lisa didn't like Faye. So I'm glad that they inserted the clip of Faye saying, I think that you're using brandy against people as a weapon. Which was totally true, by the way.

Faye had that one right. And then Lisa saying, Oh, you've been talking to car. Well, I take great offense at that well there i said it well i'm offended well okay i still said it i'm still offended so lisa's all mad that phase there then phase you know katherine's annoyed that phase there like she's surprised right but kyle is such an instigator kyle is like she's the worst kyle's like katherine have you met fay here talk to fay fay katherine katherine fay so you guys know things so talk

talk even worse because katherine said she'd never met fay and uh last week kyle said well fay wouldn't say if it wasn't true she said it was something like that where she said she said she met me and then kyle said well she said it't true. It was something like that. Where she said, she said she met me. And then Kyle said, well, she said it, then she did. You know, something like that. So now Kyle goes, Faye, here's Catherine, who says she's never met you. And then both, Faye actually says, nice to meet you. And Catherine's like, yeah, yeah, whatever.

And turns her back to her. And Kyle says, now this is awkward. Kyle Kyle you made this awkward yeah exactly and then Kyle says again so Catherine you know how you never said you met Faye you did meet her right now right because you had never met her before right you know how you never met Faye I mean that's her do you still think you met her or do you admit now that you've met her or have you still never met her like what is it for Kyle for someone who who has spent a good amount of this season talking about how awkward it is when people ask her about her sister and how

she can't believe that people don't respect certain boundaries or think before they ask a question or this and that, here she is just doing the same thing. I mean, she's not asking a question, but she is fostering a super awkward confrontation, okay?

And, like, an awkward moment. Faye just told you she didn't want to talk about it. And this is supposedly Kyle's best friend. And she just throws Faye right out in front of the, you know, tram or whatever. I'm trying not to say under the bus anymore, too. It's a day of not saying things. But she just keeps throwing her right out there. She's not cool with Faye.

Like, she betrays her, like, five times in this episode. Oh, yeah. Well, because you know that Faye can take it. Because Faye has been dealing with pop culture coming at her for 20 years now. So, if anyone can handle it, it's Faye. Faye Resnick. You don't get to be morally corrupt by nothing. Yeah. Fay's even

worse than those people like cynthia bailey who says welcome to my office in a starbucks you know fay is one of those people who's like welcome to my store and it's some other store and she's just trying to pretend that she's making the floor plan for the store um so yeah fay's broke so i think kyle's just sick of loaning her money it's the same reason she put kim on the show yeah sick of loaning her money. It's the same reason she put Kim on the show. I'm sick of loaning these bitches money. Just come and play for a couple of days. You'll get $10,000 a day, okay?

Get off my ass. You can buy drinks for a night. Yeah. So, yeah, so she's trying to throw them under. And Kyle, this is awkward, which he says, I think, five times in this episode. And Erica and Catherine are trying to get along whatever who cares so katherine's wary of a fight blah blah blah so vanderpump just walks away she goes uh she says hello to faye but she says it with like a slider in her mouth like she just said hello yeah she's like

and walks inside into the sidebar and ren is in there like what's up oh my god I said something about Yoli do you think she's upset and Lisa Lisa's like telling I just favor as Nick really and then Faye passes by and Lisa Rinna goes so what's up with you two what's going on with you two? Here there's some drama. Lisa was saying how much she hates you. She said that you guys hate each other and that like she thinks that you're like one of the worst people in the world and that you're kind of like worse than even her former gay best friend who she rescued from a phone booth. What's going on with that?

What's up with that, Faye? And Faye's answer. Well, I think that at the time, we were both being really good friends to people who weren't friends at the time. We're just both mama bears, Dobermans, at the door, barking at people trying to come into our friends' homes and take trays that I designed for Paris originally for her New York loft. And that's just not respectable, is it, ladies? And you know, Lisa was being very protective of Brandy, which was a great choice on Lisa's behalf,

I think. And, you know, like I said, just big barking dog. Lisa was just a big female barking dog. A bitch, if you will. That's what they're called. A big, huge, protective bitch that's all and lisa vanderpump well i didn't appreciate it because fay came at me as they say uh came at me with all this hibbity jibbity gobbity goobity whatever blah blah blah chucky

cheese face i don't know darling you know just chop chop chop person's poppers and talk and then fay i don't know if fay is running for president of cheesetown or whatever her chucky ass is doing but she's talking like this with everybody all the time yeah i think that we're both adults lisa and at this point we should get past whatever our issues are and say, guess what? Our big girl panties are on. In your case, granny panties. And let's pull them up and move on with our day. And Lisa, I love how all these women rip you apart, stab you in the back, stab you in the face, and then say, oh, it's time to move on.

Well, I'd want to move on, too, if I was Faye Resnick. Well, I'd want to move on too if I was Faye Resnick. And Lisa says okay and says, well, I've allowed us both to move on then. I think the only reason why Lisa was somewhat okay with moving on was because, you know, Lisa had essentially defended Brandy. And, you know, on a certain level, she had to admit admit yeah i i kind of i i chose the wrong side well kind of but faye was defending kyle who's off also an awful human being and he was turning around and trying to use brandy against lisa i mean trying to choose who's the worst between well brandy's worse i think so never mind that was a bad sentence but kyle's also awful and lisa's only pretending to be her friend.

So Kyle will stop being mean behind her back. But can we back up? Because what's the deal with Lisa Rinna totally causing that situation to happen? That was poor form of Lisa to be like, oh, you guys don't get along. So talk about it. Let's hear it. Why not? It's like, that's not cool lisa right now i think

the issue is that lisa's draw lisa doesn't have anything going on and so they're very paranoid now because they're not they don't they're not contracted the same way so their contract can be up after six episodes they have to keep shit coming and harry's not gonna shoot like he won't film so all she's doing is shooting with her kids in strip malls or like getting her hoo-ha wax and like featuring you know whoever the waxer happens to be so i think she just needs drama and doesn't have a life so she's just causing it amongst other people so she can keep a job that's what i'm guessing but i don't know i yeah i don't know maybe she's just maybe she doesn't care herself and she's like you

know what i'll cause an awkward situation it's fun also she doesn't really like lisa vanderpump either so she's you know she's kind of flying in the face of lisa vanderpump the thing that bugs me about vanderpump is she's very smart and funny but she's not smart at all when it comes to reading a room and knowing who likes her and doesn't like her she has no spidey sense about that stuff so she doesn't even know that rena doesn't like her yet you know it's gonna take her like a year to figure that one out and i mean rena is good at hiding it but still you know this poor thing she thinks kyle's her friend and kyle disses her every time she walks in and then tries to get everybody against her

the whole time the bitch can't win you know but at the end of the day she's floating on a on a flamingo and fully clothed in the pool so i've already won darling can you believe this is my life on a giant pink inflatable hanky i think when she was talking about she's so shocked that the husband was younger that katherine's husband was younger and katherine got you know she was getting a little defensive but i think lisa was just thinking darling why would you marry someone who's gonna live for so long i mean my time's almost done you know i mean i've put up with mine but what has he got four more months? I mean, come on. What are you thinking, girl? Marry older, darling. Older. So then I think we then moved to dinner, right?

Yes. And Kyle, right before we moved, Kyle, this was awkward. Thanks, Kyle. Yeah. Kyle is either awkward or you're mean, which he said ten times. So what does Kyle do? She puts Catherine down right across from faye resnick like face to face now i don't know if that was kyle or the producers but i think it was kyle it's kyle kyle

is not subtle at all and if it was a producers then kyle wouldn't have announced i made name tags for everybody you have a seating assignment yeah that's true so katherine is staring at faye and telling us i'm ready to go for her because no one talks about me and then gets away with it and i've been pissed for 20 years and erica asked her flat out well wait how did all this go down i'm trying to remember actually before this was discussion about lyme disease right yes so i guess it opened let me see here i think that katherine sits down and she's mad but then but first people start talking about yolanda and then and then it was like i wonder how bella and anwar are at least like well i don't know and then they're like my ham and then they're

like well what does muhammad say and she's like well he says they don't have it and they're like what and she's like i don't know I don't want to talk about it. Well, she didn't even say that. She just said no. And they said, wait, so he doesn't have it? Well, I don't want to talk. If Yolanda says, but what does Mohammed say? No. But, okay, so he doesn't

have it? She doesn't have it? Well, it's not right to talk about it. Oh, so he has it? Kyle, I'm not going to talk about it. Oh, wait, you're not going to talk about it? Really? Does she have it? What does Muhammad say? I'm not going to talk about it.

Shut it down, Kyle. And that's how to do it, Arlene. I hope you get this in Italy. Yeah, because Kyle just kept on asking. Everyone's like, oh, my God, like, she's so nosy. But Kyle is the one being like, so, like, what sort of ticked it was at the same tick or was it two different ticks like what what happened i don't want to talk about it but like were they like was it at night was it a day i don't want to talk about it like is it like was on their leg

was it on their chest like kyle she said stop talking about it but kyle is such a bad manipulator she opened all of this discussion baiting other people into it so she opened it by saying oh erica yolanda looks so beautiful because erica can go back and tell yolanda she looked beautiful kyle has her hands clean then it leads that's rena's queue line which rena of course laps up well people are talking that's all i'm saying people are talking and you know we should have talked about it maybe we should have and carl says well i thank you for not talking about it at my party because if you'd accused her of having munch houses at my barbecue and then you know she's like throwing rena under the bus in front of eric on purpose she's like i didn't say munch houses rena

did so go back and you know she's just not subtle at all. But, of course, Rinna is still falling for it and going on and on and blabbity-gooketing about this stupid Yolanda thing. And Erica's disgusted. Can they not read Erica's face? She looks like she's going to barf on the table when they're talking about this. And Erica even says at one point, gross, I'm not talking about it. And they keep going on and on. And then it turns to the kids.

Well, what does Mohammed say? Well, he's, you know, I'm not gonna go between the husband, well, he's the ex-husband, Lisa. Kyle's terrible. So, Kyle didn't get what she wanted. She didn't get the fight with Catherine and Faye at the beginning that she was trying for. She didn't get the fight between Faye and Lisa

that she was trying for. She didn't get the Munchausen shit she was trying for, so now she's just doing it herself. She's and lisa that she was trying for she didn't get the munchhausen's shit she was trying for so now she's just doing it herself she's just so desperate that she's like do they have it or not just say it so they all avoid kyle um and then kyle still getting nothing from anybody because lisa shuts her right down so then and by the way i have to add cindy c um cindy c on the case case uh one of our uh listeners and friends on facebook and twitter and stuff sent us uh a tweet of muhammad somebody said i hope you don't i hope you don't approve of lisa vanderpump talking about the mother of your children like that i thought she was supposed to be your best friend and he tweeted back no more so i don't know of Lisa Vanderpump talking about the mother of your children like that. I thought she was supposed to be your best friend.

And he tweeted back, no more. So I don't know what that means. Mohamed said that? No more? Yeah. I don't know if he dumped Lisa Vanderpump or what. Or maybe saying no more of this discussion. Maybe.

I don't know. Who knows? Mohamed, the man of many little plastic hair follicles, but not many words. Who knows? So I just had to interject that. So anyway, Kyle's not getting what she wants. The man of many little plastic hair follicles, but not many words. Who knows? So I just had to interject that. So anyway, Kyle's not getting what she wants. So she goes, all right, who's posting Playboy?

Yeah. Jesus Christ. Out of nowhere. It made no sense. I was like, oh, we're going to go back to this well. We got Camille Grammer at the table and we got Faye Resnick and we're going to go back to the Playboy issue. I was like, okay, this should be good. Yeah, I think she was just trying to rekindle the Camille and Faye fight.

And Camille's like, no, I'm not going to say anything. So, bye-bye. And Faye's like, you're a bitch. And that's the second time she's thrown Faye in front of the tram. Right. So, Faye gets so uncomfortable or annoyed with kyle not sure which

that she just leaves the table she's like excuse me i'm a grown woman and grown women occasionally need to powder their nose so she leaves and um then of course they start someone gives eric or her cue and she's like so what's your deal with uh fey catherine and catherine's like i hate fey goes on a fey rant and as much as i'm ready to hate erica still loving her because she's like wait so do you think that if you actually read the book maybe it's taken out of context and she goes no i'm not gonna read that book and erica tells us who comes to a fight unprepared i mean that's just stupid yeah that was that was i mean after like an episode and a half of katherine being like she wrote about me she wrote about me she called me this you call me that and it's like but did you actually read what

she wrote no like well that's not fair you i'm not towards faye resnick to us like you have to at least read it so that way you are like as full of ammunition to take down faye resnick as possible yeah totally and another thing that hit me about this is katherine is basically hired to come on the show and fight with faye i mean it's the oj thing i don't know why this is all linked to oj it's weird uh because lisa rita was was up for the role of Chris Jenner in that OJ movie, too. So it's like a weird world that they're all involved in this OJ thing. And she's basically famous because Faye mentioned her in that book. So once she does talk to Faye and she says,

I have to get, there's an elephant in the room and I have to talk about it. And you wrote this book and you mentioned me. And I never would have been mentioned in any of that OJ drama had you not brought me into it. I'm like, yeah, but that made you famous. And now you're on a housewife show because of some stupid thing Faye lied about 20 years ago. Why don't you say thank you, Faye? I don't think it really did make her famous, though. I mean. For now it did.

It made her famous enough to get here. I don't know who the hell this woman is, but, I mean, it got her a job. Yeah, I guess you could say that. But, like, I think if you spend 20 years being like, this bitch dragged me in, and now I've got this reputation that lingers for 20 years. And it's like, oh, but now I get to be a housewife. That's not going to raise 20 years of anger. Yeah, and last week i was saying um last week i was saying i don't believe that she's never read it because who who hears that there's

a book with them in it and they don't read the sections to me that's just stupid everybody well we all have an ego but now i believe it she probably like well i don't want to support her you know because i think that like she i i believe that she didn't read it because if i'm sure if she had read it she'd be like oh i read what you read what you said about me you call me this you call me that which is what i would do that's what i'm gonna do well matt does his tell all about us and watch what really happened just kidding he's like the sound was terrible and i quit um the uh matt whitfield please return my calls by the way you're coming on the show whether you like it or not okay he's like walking around behind the hollywood sign today i saw listen yeah i'm looking at your face look at him saying he's busy during recording

times matthew you're coming back on this show and you're gonna talk to me damn it so anyway yeah that's what i was saying last week i didn't believe it because i just don't believe that anybody could not read a book where they're mentioned in it, at least the part they're in. But now I believe it because stupid Catherine looked so confused and dumb when Faye was saying, well, Catherine, I don't I just don't want to talk about things from 20 years ago. And Catherine has nothing to give back. Yeah, she had. Yeah. She was like, oh, well, fine. I was like, this is your big confrontation you've been waiting for 20 years

and what you let out was like, there's an elephant in the room, Faye. And then that was it. And then talking all big while she's in the bathroom, don't say you know me if you don't know me i'm like okay she's got bad girl season one on dvd or something but um she's talking all big and the fake it's here and there's no fight this girl's an idiot okay what is the point of bringing old slags back from the oj trial if they're not going to behead each other i mean come on people stick with people. Stick with the theme. Yeah, I mean, she should have gone harder on Faye. But, you know, I feel like

it's just round one. I think there's going to be more. There's going to be more fighting to be had between the two of them. I love that they just trotted out Faye Resnick as a punching bag for this episode. Like, here, take it from all sides. But then Faye, she won. Faye won. She actually looked

like the bigger person at the end of it. And she even gave her little Chuck E. Cheese smile to Kyle after Kyle said, well, no matter what anyone says, Faye, you're a great girlfriend. You're the best friend I've ever had. I can call you at three in the morning whenever you'll make me a Paris tray. I love you, Faye. You're great. And everybody just looks at Kyle like, you dumb bitch. You just threw Faye under the bus like three times in this one episode.

And then Faye gives her that little Chucky. Oh, no. First she tells Catherine, do you feel better now? Yeah. That was the best part. It was when Catherine has like her faux confrontation and Faye's like, do you feel better now? She's like, yeah yeah kind of and then she goes well you look beautiful by the way yeah i love that was hilarious it was she gives her

chucky cheese smile to kyle and i was like bae resnick just won a goddamn episode this is ridiculous yeah also did you notice that kyle was trying to recreate Dinner Party from Hell so bad? She had Camille and Faye there. She tried to bring up the Playboy thing. And then she had those gigantic martini glasses that Alison Dubois was drinking out of it. Camille Cocktails. Camille Cocktail. Oh, poor Kyle.

Sorry, Kyle. Another fail. But congrats, Faye. Nice work. Fail Resnick. Camille Cocktail Oh poor Kyle Sorry Kyle another fail But congrats Faye nice work Fail Resnick Fail Resnick Replacing Failor Armstrong of seasons 1 and 2 At least we got a nice little Taylor Armstrong flashback that was nice

So why don't we move on We also got a Taylor Armstrong callback When Eileen's son jumped out of a suitcase In the first scene. That's true. That's very, very true. Why don't we now have a little palate cleanser before we go on to Pump Rules and talk about some newlyweds the first year. Let's do it, Benjamoons.

I am looking up my notes, so start on. Well, you know me. I don't take notes on this show. I don't feel any – because I watch it. I actually take in the stuff pretty well. So why don't we talk about Craig and Brandon first, our gays. I think we always start with them. You know –

Your feet are cold. They're cold. They are cold. They're cold, my feet. They sure are. You've got cold feet. Yeah, I do. I just want to thank you for, my feet. They sure are. You've got cold feet. I just want to thank you for rubbing my feet this morning. I really appreciate it.

It was really wonderful of you. Thank you so much. It's like overly considerate. He keeps rubbing my feet. But you meant my feet are cold. I'm finding their relationship to be very fascinating because the more we see of their relationship,

the more it becomes evident that Craig is a totally irresponsible person with strange attachments to this Crystal girl. Because this is like last week, Crystal got a laptop before Brandon did. This week, Crystal's getting CC'd on the fertility conversation before Brandon. Oh my God, it's getting cc'd on the fertility conversation before brandon so god it's not even cc'd i mean the girl is okay she said she donated no she said she'd be the surrogate okay that's crazy so she's this yeah she's already the surrogate to their unborn child and the thing is that um craig so so brand brandon's sister has been trying to inseminate herself with Craig's man sperm, which is what all sperm is really.

But he's like especially manly and beefy, at least physically. But he – like it hasn't been sticking. So like he has to take a sperm test basically. And he doesn't want to go to the doctor. So Brandon brings home the little tests, and Craig has his pouty eyes like, do I really have to take it? I really want to thank you so much for bringing me this

test, but I don't think I want to take this test. I think that maybe your sister should take another test. Honey, why do I have to test my sperm? Also, I didn't like when he said, honey honey i know that you want to have your own biological children i know that's important to you and he's like yeah it really is why why why even though there's like millions of kids who need a parent yes i don't get it and i know that there's a lot

of people out there struggling and spending a lot of money for this to get their own biological child. I get it. But a gay baby is so different anyway. It's so nontraditional how you're having a gay baby anyway. You're basically throwing tradition out the window, which I'm all for. Obviously, I am a home. So I'm for that. I just don't get, like, why it still has to have your sperm.

Like, who cares? You're too big. Your eyes are too close together. I mean, granted, you know, you're 40-something and you've got a full set of hair. I mean, you've got a full head of hair, so that's something. But, I mean, what? You're going to base a whole baby on hair? Well, it's a good enough reason for me.

It's a good start. Yeah, it's a good it's a good it's a good enough reason for me it's a good start yeah it's a good start so uh so they test they test craig's sperm and sure enough brought me a test oh i hate this so medical maybe do we have to do this he says it's so medical i didn't hear that. He actually said that. So medical. I'm just going to go to my room. It's so medical, Brandon. So sure enough, like, the sperm count is low according to the test. So then Craig calls up his friend Crystal, his best friend. We've been best friends ever since, like, middle school.

And I just love her. And he's like, yeah, so, like, we're not sure what's going on. And, you know, it makes me really sad that, like, my sperm count is low. And Bree, we don't know about Bree's eggs. So, you know, would you mind, like, donating your egg if we don't use Bree's egg for our baby? So basically it's going to be her egg and her stomach like her womb so you're asking her to be the mother of your children dude you understand that right buddy and when you're watching the scene i was like okay you know because it didn't seem like a big deal and then like the next scene he's he's telling brandon he's like so i was talking to crystal and um i was

telling her my feelings about this and he's like why don't you tell me about your feelings um well you know because this way I can talk to her about it first and then talk to you and he's like but I'm your husband yeah but you're not but like Crystal's like Crystal but anyway so he's like but I'm talking

to you now he's like so anyway I asked Crystal if she would be the egg donor if your sister couldn't do it talking to you now he's like so anyway i asked crystal if she would be the egg donor if your sister couldn't do it is that cool and brandon's like you have to talk to me about that first i was like wait he didn't clear that with brandon that's crazy like you're making crystal now crystal i'm not only jealous of Crystal because she's your best friend and you talk to her more than me. Now I'm jealous because she's the mother of our child. Oh, my God.

What the hell, man? You have to tell me. I mean, like, and I thought last week was bad when Crystal got the better laptop. But now, like, Crystal's now actually going to be the mother. Like, that's crazy. Crystal's really a wuss, though. When he was on the phone with Crystal and she offered to give the egg and be the womb and didn't say, can I keep the computer? Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. At least you should have for that. And then I loved how he's like, I mean, Craig was like, well, you know, I talked to her first because if she's not willing to do it, then it saves having a conversation with you. It saves a conversation. I was like, that is so fucked up up you shouldn't be afraid of having the conversation with your partner you should be having the conversation with brandon's that way you save having the conversation with crystal well what other relationships are like this maybe parent child this relationship creeps me the fuck out and i get so parent childy it's crazy it really is

and i get marrying someone older and feeling like you know taking care of her i get the daddy issues or the mommy issues and all of that stuff but this is just bordering on gross to me it's like you literally married your dad and so now you're afraid to tell your dad so you're working things out so you you can tell him just the right way that you crashed the car that you stole last night out of the garage? No. Yeah, I feel bad for Brendan. I think Brendan's great.

I mean, Craig is really sweet, too, but they have a weird situation going on. Well, they're both very sweet, but, you know, I guess every relationship has its amount of fucked-up-edness in it, but this one, you can't just expect the child you marry, the 40-year-old child you marry, to suddenly become an adult because that's just not going to happen, okay? You have to marry another adult if you want that to happen. Yeah. So then – Speaking of. Speaking of. Really, it could be any other couple, but let's talk about the raging – the roid rage.

He's not on roids, but he has roid rage. The too angry straight guy in New York. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's not on roids but he has roid rage the too angry straight guy in new york oh yeah oh he's so cute nag nag nag all they do is yell at each other and nag well okay in this so in this case i actually think that he's i mean he goes he goes crazy but i actually think he's right because she's essentially in a miserable place in new york she hates her job she's not following her dream she doesn't have a plan she doesn't know what to do like she's exhausted their apartment's dirty they go to tampa for the weekend to celebrate his birthday and that's where they had their their most that's where all their oldest friends are the weather is good it's like their most cherished

memories are from there and so she goes there and it feels great and she's like you know what let's move here and he's like the place where you can tell your wife things like yeah this grass is green but i'm gonna be driving on your green later yeah in front of all your friends yeah you can do that in tampa well the thing is it's like i i can understand his frustration like well we moved to new york city because we both want to start a life in new york city and i'm on a career track here and we want to this is like the ultimate challenge and this is like this is what we're doing and now you're already talking about going back to Tampa your your comfort zone when the truth is it's just a matter of you like just getting to a happier place oh I could I could definitely understand his frustration and I can understand her frustration too because he was

wasn't really listening to her but she also needs to just like she she needs to just like get a new job already and stop complaining I think the only reason she wants to go to Tampa is because last week he told her you can't be a blogger because this is New York City and you're just another pretty face whereas in Tampa it's Tampa so I think she's thinking okay fine then yes I'll be a blogger if we move to Tampa because we can afford cheaper rent there, bitch. That's how I'm seeing it. And she won't say that, obviously, because she's trying to talk him into it because it's the family and it's the fun. And not that I want to stay home and write a blog instead of work, which is, I think, really what she's going for.

And not that I want to stay home and write a blog instead of work, which is, I think, really what she's going for. Yeah. But then their fights get so terrible and so kind of mean. They go to dark places. Yeah, they go to really dark places. I don't know about them. But who knows? Those Bickerson couples, a lot of them last forever. I think they'll actually be fine.

I'll be enough. I feel like a couple can only last if one of you is nagging the other one or being bickery to the other one and the other one just sits back and takes it like i feel like there has to be an aggro and a passive i feel like you know they've been together for 10 years i feel like i feel like they'll be okay at least for a little bit a little while longer they're trying to make it seem like their first year everything's going to fall apart i think i think they're going to i i think they'll be fine if they do separate i think that's still like another five or seven years away i think if he realizes that he can own a home he can own a two-story gigantic home in tampa afford a maid

work half the time he's working and work on his garage band loops all at the same time he'd be willing to move to tampa he just wants to stick to new york because he thinks he's gonna be the next jay-z in his spare time as if that's how jay-z did it jay-z well he still has dreams he has dreams yeah but i mean you're not following your dreams you're working all damn day and then sliding a couple of garage band loops together on the weekend that's not really following your dream you're either gonna follow your dreams or you're not this whole backup job thing when has that ever worked for anybody i don't know anybody yeah it's it's hard i mean it's it's really really hard if you have a full-time career so then like it's if you have a full-time legit career like as a lawyer and then

you're trying to get a creative career going on the side that's hard yeah you can't do that that means you're more passionate about making your money and affording your stupid small apartment in its city that's too expensive instead of following your dream i get it but still stupid um and i'd like to point out that there's a motherfucking leaf blower outside welcome to watch what crap it's got you gotta you know you gotta you gotta say your phrase get out of here no i stopped you see i haven't said it since i promised to stop saying it now i'm just doing this i hear myself about to say it and then i go like i do that teeth suck thing where i'm just like yeah so thank you i have stopped saying it so now let's move on to um one of the one of the bad couples that i really don't enjoy when they're on screen let's talk to to the Persian girl and the guy.

I can't skip. I'm just a girl. Look honey, I'm skipping on the beach, but I don't know how to skip right. I'm just a girl. They really creep me out. I think they're really an awful couple.

They, they seem to be of all the relationships. I don't know. Adonis and the other one are pretty bad, but like those two, they seem to be of all the relationships well i don't know adonis and the other one are pretty bad but like those two they seem like i don't even know what their relationship is it's like just based off of sex at this point it's just sex he's a controlling monster and she wants a daddy but she's got like some weird trying to break away from her culture thing but she's not breaking away because she just married a white version of what she said she was married to before but now she still has to keep him enticed by using her sexuality for every little thing and look family bed she's hot and if you're you should

be enjoying your sexuality and sexuality is a huge part of life i'm not saying you should hide it but she's just one of those girls who relies on it instead of a fucking brain and it makes me and she says she says they don't fight but when they do she likes it because she knows it could be good makeup sex i just kind of feel like there's like not a lot of substance to this relationship and again yeah she's like not working i don't know she's she's clearly a nutcase yeah like i don't know which one of them is gonna murder each other first dumb why won't you be nice to my mommy and then she brings over her they go to dinner with her best persian friend yeah and oh she's the girl that i had my first girl on girl kiss with let's get in the hot tub so they all go into the hot tub and she's like yeah this

is my jet yeah i'm like trying to start a threesome with her husband god you are so fucking pathetic lady and those tits on your those tits that you have like glue gun to the front of your chest are mortifying okay sandbags giant nothing says desperate for attention and love that i didn't get from my father like yeah this is this is daddy issues this is what happens with daddy issues you sneak out of school to put on short shorts although i get you know girls are allowed to wear short shorts not like it's not like every girl who wears short shorts has daddy issues but i feel like with her though she does yeah and i think old she's acting like a girl who's like a freshman in college just trying to navigate all of this craziness but let's also she's a fully functioning

full-grown adult and let's let's also not you know let's let's not overlook this awful husband of hers who says such condescending things like when they go to the persian restaurant and belly dancer comes out, he's like, he's like, see, now this is a part of Persian culture. I like,

which is so rude. You know, the implication being like, but the rest, I don't, you know, like, yeah,

exactly. Could you imagine saying that? Like, could you imagine, could you imagine if I said it to my boyfriend? Like, well now here's a part of black culture I actually like. It's like,

could you even imagine how rude that is? Yeah. Especially if it was just porn. You're like, okay, here's some black culture I like. They're naked and fucking. I like that part. Yeah, he's disgusting. And he's giving her shit about her culture and her parents and all this shit.

But she's doing the same thing. I think she likes that he's defying her culture because that's what she's doing. So she has him to say fuck you mom and dad because she's she doesn't have the nuts to do it her way of saying fuck you is getting like you know two lamborghinis put on her chest and then you know marrying a white guy that they hate and won't respect them and then talking about threesome lesbian sex on her tv show i mean she's doing everything that she can in a passive aggressive way, and then she married a totally aggro guy to do it in the aggressive way. Yeah.

She's awful. There's something about them that repulses me. They're like people from a softcore Skinamax movie, but in real life. Yes. You're like, oh. He's like, I'm a detective. And I'm here to figure out. He's like, oh, come on in, detective. Stupid Skinny Max movies.

I saw Camille's. Oh, what was I going to say about this stupid thing? Oh, someone posted on our Facebook, hilarious, a link to his Amazon book. He wrote a book. And the bio says something like i was a hardcore drug addict until i was 21 and then he puts the date down he's like november 21st 1984 or whatever and uh he said this book is just it's a quick read and extremely informative and it will change your life in seconds and there's only one review but it says

wow what a quick read it changed my life in seconds it's like oh my god you people are too stupid to write your own fake reviews yeah yeah idiot um so now the last couple i mean here we are bottom of the barrel it's Adonis and the girl. I still don't know her name. I still, you know, I made an effort to write down everybody's name today so I would know their names. But I couldn't even write down this dumb girl's name. I know, but it's like Brandon and Craig, Rob and Ro, Persian and Rob. I think his name is Rob, too's i think it might be rob and then adonis and then the girl dumbass yeah seriously so i'm in dead eyes oh my god she is so beyond dead eyes

so for them so you always know things are this it starts off in a bad place because they're like in Chino or something like that or Chino Hills. They're like Chino Hills. I'm like, of course, they're shorter. Like, oh, listen, we're concerned that Phoenix might be a little too classy for you. Why don't we go to Chino Hills? Your knowledge of every little suburb outside major cities fucking kills me every time. You know every run-down little suburb

of every major city. So good. Well, it actually said Chino on there. Oh, it did? Yeah. Sorry. Never mind. I'm all impressed. I also was a devout fan of the OC, of course, which is where Ryan Atwood came from. Chino. They do things differently in you know they do things

differently in oc than they do in chino yeah we get our car cars washed every day very important welcome to the oc bitch so um so anyway uh so they're chino because adonis is there to reclaim his lamborghinis because the government stole them from him not stole they reclaimed them i went to jail because i broke one simple little copyright law and then the government stole them from him. Not stole. They reclaimed them. I went to jail because I broke one simple little copyright law. And then the government took all my stuff. But now, like, I got a car back. And she's like, I'm getting your Lambos back, Adonis. I'm like, this is the last thing that these two fools need.

Like, two Lamborghinis parked in the driveway of their mid-sized... Who buys a Lamborghini anyway? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard of. Two of them at least, darling. And you live in a... It's not tiny. It's just like a standard... I don't even know how you describe

that sort of house. It's like a planned community. It's like a little planned community around a lake. Little boxes on the hillside little boxes full of ticky tacky little boxes on the hillside and they all look just the same is that you know that song i sound like it was like the kim richards children's hour that was kim richards singing the song from weeds that's how weed started because it started in one of those communities that was just all those little stucco houses that all look the same. Yeah, it's like those planned communities where it's like the houses are like not big enough to be McMansions, but they're bigger than like a normal sort of like middle class home. But they're just generic and everyone has the same.

And you have to drive to the mailbox. And so it just is like ridiculous to have like two Lamborghinis in like like a very i don't know i is my own pet peeves here and i of course i i sit here i talk as if like who should have what whatever i'm sitting in my one bedroom apartment because i've always lived in one so i know them yeah that's why i know the details you drive to the mailbox because they're like okay the mailmen are gonna get confused because every single house looks exactly the same so here's just a giant wall of boxes they're gonna put y'all's mail in okay see you there um yeah he's driving around his lambo and i'm thinking you poor thing i'm so sorry about your penis

because two laborghinis i mean nothing says, a little turtle penis. Like a little turtle head that just pokes out every time it needs to make a baby. Everything about this guy is just terrible. You know, it's not nice to make fun of someone's physical features if they can't help. So we won't touch this hunchback and his general genetic situation. But the goatee can be fixed. We can make fun of it. We can make fun of that. We can make fun of the goatee can be fixed. We can make fun of it. You can make fun of that.

We can make fun of the goatee. All right. And we can make fun of that idiotic smile on his face at all times. And we can make fun of his stupid two Lamborghinis. And, you know, I think if you're basing who you're loving based on what they look like, and your freaking wife has to write her second vows and can't take out the words because she's like so conditioned, and can't take out the words because she's like so conditioned she can't take out the words i promise to never gain weight and to always keep myself together i mean if he's judging women like that then i see no problem judging him like that

fair is fair there is fair so he's like driving along and he's working on his stand-up routine and then his lambo like dies on the side of the street. And then basically he has to push his Lamborghini back to his planned community. And I was like, this is the metaphor for his life. Here you are thinking you're so cool, so awesome with your Lamborghini. It doesn't even work. Meanwhile, your dad passes by you in a Lamborghini limo. You know, like a super stretched Lamborghini.

He's like, bye! Idiot. I almost said Apollo, but Adonis goes to the club. He's gonna do his new routine. It's gonna be a clean routine because, you know, the dirty routine was too easy. Oh, God. When they showed his dirty routine, that was so stupid. He's like,

you know what you gotta do? You gotta pop! Beep! and that's what i said pop beep like what you gotta pop n-word what does that even mean and then there's no laughs in the audience there's only one guy going it's like his dad in the back like the dad couldn't even get his girlfriends and his wife to laugh at him you suck dude yeah so um so then he goes he does his clean routine and it is so hacky he's like so i just got married the other day and uh so the thing is when you have a wife it's you know i didn't say we were happy you know i think you have to when you're when you're married you have to like it's a good process of learning just how wrong you are at everything like oh god it's like you know like you know

there's compromise like marriage is all about compromise she tells me what to do and i do it and i compromise myself it was so bad she's like oh that, Apollo. She is, this girl is beyond hope, she says. Well, Apollo changed his set for me, and that's like a really big deal. Lady. You have spaghetti and chicken at your wedding, okay? Nothing he does for you is a big deal. Please stop. Please stop being thankful

for the bad jokes that this man is failing at on stage shows with these squeaky noises like no i just i liked it i've really noticed a big difference in Apollo since he hasn't been talking to his dad. He listens more and he's not fucking as many hookers now. He's really trying. He's really trying.

That girl is like a really sad children's audio book when the tape player slows down. She sounds like a rubber band being plucked. So then Adonis' dad comes in and he's like,

oh, there's my dad. Whoa, that's crazy. It's weird. So guys, I have a dad and, like, I i mean we haven't talked for a while and there he is so good job good cover dude he just stands there on stage sweating and smiling for no reason just blink blink you really rolled with the punches there yeah and then he says well it's important for my dad because he's a comic too and then they cut to the dad's comedy and he's like yeah i'm polyamorous and uh I've got a wife and a, what did he say?

I've got a Spanish wife. He's like, I got a Mexican girlfriend, and I got a black girlfriend, so it's great. I get to have a lot of barbecue burritos. She's like, I don't really like burritos and i i don't want to have barbecue burritos if adonis loves me he won't eat burritos anymore burritos hate women i like burritos i just don't like barbecue burritos. I'm loving the evolution of your dumb whore voice, whatever.

Because it's weird. It goes in this very quiet. It's like Toya voice, but then it goes in this quiet, ultra-nasal thing. And she does this thing where she slips up into a falsetto a lot, where she's like, I like what you're doing, but I don't know. I like what you're doing, but I... No, no. You cheated on me with the 14 hookers. My friend is like, are you fucking serious? No.

I need to trust you. I'm having sex with all the condoms. She's the worst. So I think that's how this ends, right? I mean, I don't know. The big no, it ended. It ended because Rob and Ro were in like a huge fight. And she's like, well, I'm married.

You know, she's like, I want to move to Tampa. And he's like, there's no compromise. You keep asking me to compromise. It's either we live in New York. We live in Tampa. There's no compromise. She's like, well, but we're married. i wouldn't be in a situation we're married he's like well why don't you go to the courthouse i will gladly sign the divorce papers and she's like

and then it's like next week next week they fight some more who cares get a divorce do me a favor and get a divorce okay you don't win anything anymore for being married forever for no reason you don't have kids all you're to do is fight your whole life. You're both morons. This girl wants to run a blog for a living. That's hardly done. And this guy wants to be a Jay-Z on the weekends. Jay-Z did not make his career on the weekends, fool.

He dedicated his entire life to it. You're both hopeless. Get out of my face. Listen, I say next week, Bravo should just show us an entire hour of Rob cleaning shirtless again, and then I think we'll all be happy. Listen, there's a lot of fuckable stupid people, okay? We live in Los Angeles.

You can still want to fuck somebody and hate their guts and want them off of your TV. I enjoyed the shirtless interlude. Yeah, well, at least he's doing something right. Yeah, something. So now let's go on to Vanderpump. Speaking of stupid people, you could enjoy the way they look. Speaking of non-appreciated shirtless interludes, let's go to Vanderpump Rules. So Vanderpump Rules, we start. We're in Hawaii.

We're back at like it was where we left the kids. They were at that bar. Lala had just gone to a fight with Brittany. And Lala was crying out left the kids. They were at that bar. Lala had just gone to a fight with Brittany. And Lala was crying out on the street. And Brittany and, like, Jax was basically throwing Lala under the bus. And Jax is covering his tracks. And he has – I love the way Jax talks. He's like, did I used to be a liar?

Absolutely. Did I cheat on Stassi? Yes, I did. Am I now? No. Blink, blink. Lie blink lie yeah he's like the worst liar do i still lie oh wait do you want to drink you want to drink let's get a drink this show is so funny the way that they have a crane shot first of all who does a crane shot on a reality show that's nuts okay yeah so they open with a crane shot flying down and you see the sign of

the place and it's called cuckoo coconuts i don't know why that made me laugh so hard because it's the working title for this show i laugh so hard i'm like a crane shot just to show us cuckoo coconuts and then they go in and um brit jacks is telling, look, if I wanted to have sex with her, I could have. Gross. Gross. Okay. And then Lala's out on the street pretending to cry and no one's even coming out to say hi.

She's like, okay, I'll just be out here on the curb because I'm crying. And nobody comes out. Because you know Jax has better coke. So Jax is in there saying i i'm with britney because i chose her and i love her and i wanted her you chose this bitch because she was on instagram and now suddenly showed up at your apartment you did not choose britney britney chose you and she will not leave until she's good and ready so have fun with that one yeah yeah well well stated so then they go um and they go to the pool and they're

all like doing beer bongs etc etc i just wrote you're 40 yeah they're doing beer i was more like max i was like you can't be doing beer bongs he's got he's stupid i'm sorry like you got you're on antibiotics you can't be doing beer bongs. Nah, I'm totally fine with it. Max in his blind man sunglasses and his obvious like 30 oxycodone or whatever that he, or oxycontin or whatever that he brought with him, cracking me up. This guy gets further and further away from the light. Come towards the light, Max. Come towards the light. So then, meanwhile, Lala, she's gone back to the hotel room to console herself.

She's in bed with no makeup, which is nice. We're very, very little. It's like, Lala, you should do that more often. I know. What a gorgeous girl. Why does she wear so much makeup? She's so beautiful without makeup and also the bravest person on Bravo. Yeah, exactly.

I don't think we've seen that. Even at the Beatless party on real house wise of atlanta people still wore something yeah exactly so she's lying in bed and so her crew of like the youngsters of like max and faith and and james come in to check in on her yeah the actual the actual waiter age waiters yeah they're like the the scooby the scooby what's the scooby crew called you know the scooby gang or whatever they come in and they're like la la like come on why don't you play with us and she's like faith babe you were just as naked as i was like i don't get it i don't know and she's right like they did not go after fit they only why is she mad at faith they're going she wasn't mad at

she wasn't mad at faith but she's like here Faith, here's the thing, babe. You were just as naked as me. Faith is like, yeah, but I don't talk. And I also don't rub my crotch against every guy that works here and piss everybody off in the first place, you dum-dum. Yeah. Which she didn't say. And Lala's like, I just want my mama. I just want my mama. I need my mama.

Starts calling my mom. And I love that James. So James is trying to be all supportive. He's like he's like babe what's wrong babe he like got total cheshire accent he's like what is it you basic bitch what is so basic about your tears are so basic isn't that cute bitch keep crying bitch i've got a hard on take a good look at my supportive face bitch bitch. It's the last one you'll see, bitch. I'm jealousy, I'm jealousy, ya mom,

because you got to suck on her boobs. Yeah, babe, that's right, girl. I'm gonna spit on a door. That's supportive you. It means I supported you. She's legit sobbing at this point, calling her mom. She doesn't seem to be faking it to me, and you know I'll call these people out,

but she seems serious. No, I'm sure she's at her wit's end wit's end i told jack look me in my eyes and he did he looked right in my eyes and lied i mean that's how serial killers operate serial killers have more energy than jack's and more focus jack's is too stupid and lazy to be a serial killer no he couldn't even do it he'd be like a he'd try and kill somebody but they wouldn't even die and then he'd still get caught in coated jail he'd do it like right in front of the bank of america cam he'll be like killing someone at an atm or some shit idiot so she's crying then they show max who's wasted and he's kind of laughing and catches himself

laughing at her and then stops which was funny funny. Yeah. And then, meanwhile, down at the pool, everyone is like, We have to say one more thing. She says, I'm just sad. They're like, okay, well, they're consoling her. And James crawls into bed with her, and he pulls off his pants. He's like, my pants are wet, baby. That's right, girl. She's like, ew, get off of me.

You're disgusting. He's, like, trying to get laid while she's sobbing. Class. And then she kicks him out that was great class it was it's literally like watching an 80s teen movie like everything just goes wrong every time he tries to get with her something goes wrong and he can't get with her except you're usually rooting for them yeah exactly worst exactly if ducky acted like that pretty in pink would be five minutes long? I don't even know who Ducky is.

So everyone – I know, it's John Cryer. Down at the pool, everyone's having so much fun. They're drinking, laughing. I think it's Anthony Michael Hall actually was Ducky. Oh, was it? Just so no one's screaming at their podcast right now. I don't know. I still haven't seen Pretty in Pink, but apparently it's being re-released this month.

You best go, Benjamin. It's like 30th anniversary. It's an extremely important 80s movie to have in your back pocket. It's the Lisa Vanderpump story. Pretty in Pink. So everyone is... That would have been called Pretty in Pink is My Color. I will let you go on now.

I swear to God I will stop over-talking you. So everyone's at the pool having like, having so much fun. And then they cut to Ariana, who's like, hmm. So then Sheena's like, well, I'm sick of this tension. And, well, you know, it's easier just to apologize and get it over with and move forward than it is to deal with this. So I'm really going to apologize to her. I'm going to put a band-aid on it. I'm going to put a band-aid.

So Sheena goes and issues a faux apology. And she's like, I'm going to put a bandaid on it. So Sheena goes and issues a faux apology and she's like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm sorry. Like one of the typical things. She's like, I'm sorry if what I did, if my conversation with your mother upset you.

I almost corrected myself and I realized it was accurate to Sheena's character. And then I love that. But then what's funny is that Ariana is like, well, this doesn't feel like a sincere apology to me because you should be saying I'm sorry that I did it, not I'm sorry if what I did upset you. And Sheena is like, but I did mean what I said. And then, and she's like all mad. She's like, I don't understand why she won't accept my apology.

I'm like, well, you're the one who told us it was a fake apology. You literally said, I don't want to apologize. I have nothing to apologize for, but I'm going to do it anyway because I know it's what she wants to hear. Well, that's the problem, you stupid bitch. She's an idiot.

Like, I'm sorry that you're dating somebody who's cocky and like i'm sorry your mama's so worried about you when i texted her that he was like killing people on the side like i'm sorry that you're mad but like that's true she's so stupid they're having bottle service right outside of this and shea she's wearing like a fled fred flintstone hawaiian shirt i mean this guy is just so misguided he is his heart he is uh he is like a dog like wait like he smells his owner on the other side of the door tail wagging and just like ready to pounce on that cart of alcohol he literally goes yeah i want to drink the hard alcohol.

I know, because he's not an alcoholic if he just gets drunk on beer. These people are seriously. By the way, side note. This is really very nothing to do with anything. But talking about Shay reminded me of when he went and worked out with Alfred. Like the tall, hot, black guy at Fit Arts. I don't know if you noticed, but in the flashback of Lisa with Muhammad, Alfred was in the background there.

So there, little Easter egg. Oh, little Alfred egg. Little Alfred egg. Little Alfred egg. Best kind of egg. So Porsche, I'm not even convinced that it's the same guy because he never has any idea what's going on. He just keeps getting recast with other dogs.

He's like Beethoven. They can make as many Beethovens as they want, but you're like, that cannot be the same Beethoven. Like, how long do those dogs live, you know? I know. So he's like, he wants the hard alcohol, and he's like drunk, and she's like, I'm not drunk. And he's like, I'm not drunk.

He goes, how can you tell he goes he goes you know who's wasted everyone else i don't know what that's supposed to mean and then sheena of course is not mad that he's an alcoholic who's drunk that's not even why she's mad she's mad because she goes i need a rock to listen to my fight, to listen about my fight with Ariana. But, like, he's no rock. He's, like, so fat. Like, he's drunk. I'm like, that's why he's drunk.

Do you think he wants to listen to this shit? You have created an alcoholic lady with your terrible personality. If that guy needs anything, it's to run. I mean, literally run. But also, like, like run you know away but ariana literally needs a rock she needs like something she could hold her she just she just needs a rock it's it's on her level i needed rock and then she snorted it all stupid jacks was supposed to save me some so the next morning tom two, still has not gotten laid.

God bless it. Now, I know that anybody born in the, God, I'm trying to think of my parents' age, but like the 50s-ish or before, 50s, 60s or before is mortified by this show because they say things like, we still have not consummated this engagement. When did that become a thing, consummated this engagement when did that become a thing consummating an engagement you're not supposed to even be having sex until you're married young man yes young have you ever gone to church yeah i just i just imagined my meemaw cutting your thighs while meanwhile same morning uh i'm happy to announce that she knows oversized glasses have made their triumphant return to the show she was wearing like the sort of glasses that get handed out of bar mitzvah by

the dj like hey open up like glasses is that a thing oh yeah like it's like the inflatable guitars and oversized sunglass like oversized new year's glasses that are like ben's jewish and 13 or whatever yeah oh yeah the classic party favor. I mean 15. Wait, 15? Is it 15? It is 13. I was right the first time. Quinceaneras is Mexican. Sweet 16 is for rich kids. Yeah, I had none of those.

Thank you. But I did get to go to a Mexican, my best friend David Bowman was a Mexican Jew, so I got to go to his like Bar mitzvah or whatever it was fine it was like a mexican he's like mauricio yeah but you know way poorer yeah um but this uh i have to say first of all her goddamn song i'm sorry for saying goddamn i don't know what's wrong with me her glasses matched her iphone cover which killed me because

you know she does that shit on purpose she's like oh my god she's like that taller that target five dollar section with all those iphone six cases she's like oh my god i have glasses this color we're getting it um i like that and then i liked how tom number one is complaining he wakes up his eyes are still half closed he's just opened his eyes and he's like babe it makes me really bad because i'm thinking about sheena that's what you're thinking about when you wake up i would be mad too if that's what i woke up thinking about and he said i don't like like i've been thinking about it babe look look not kristin i think like it's sheena's just projecting her own problems in her own relationship onto me.

And I thought that was the funniest thing, Sheena. Like, Tom is, like, taking too many pills and drinking too much and he's gained 50 pounds. And Ariana's mom was like, what? What has happened to you? Oh, no, that was Shea. Sorry. Sheena's projecting everything onto She Oh, no, that was Shay. Sorry. She was projecting everything onto Shay. Well, she probably is.

But, well, I mean, the thing is this, though. Here's Sheena's issue. Her issue is really that Ariana is, like, a killjoy these days. And Tom and Ariana just aren't, like, fun. And they want to hang out with Kristen now. And they're, like, not fun. But instead of, like, being like, but you know what, though? Kristen was super shitty to them for so long that I should probably respect them.

And, you know, she's just, like, you know, she's angry. But I get why she's, like, annoyed at Ariana for being a killjoy. But Sheena has to, like, relax. Well, Sheena, you know, she's going through that thing where when you're friends with girls and most of our audience are girls. So you guys know what I mean. And the straight guys with girls, you put so much time into these friendships and then the girl finds a boyfriend and she's like, bye. And she leaves. It's like all about the boyfriend.

Sheena is not that girl. Sheena still lives like a single girl. She does whatever she wants. She parties out by herself. She still has a real closeness with her girlfriend. she wants she parties out by herself she still has a real closeness with her girlfriend so she doesn't understand what it's like to get into a serious relationship and then move on from your party friends and all that stuff so she's like what are you doing so her just like a teenager it's like go after the boyfriend instead of talking to the friend about it she's so wrong

in this situation there is nothing she's done nothing right especially when they proved that those texts were never sent from the mom the mom's's like, hey, Sheena, I hope you're having a good Monday. Sheena's like, I wonder if Tom would stop raping puppies in the put-down shelter or whatever. And Sheena keeps changing it. She keeps changing the argument. She keeps on saying, well, I meant everything I said. Tom is cocky. It's like, no, the issue is not whether you think Tom is cocky.

That's fine. It's totally inappropriate for you to text that stuff to like his to ariana's mom like what would like she would have flipped out if someone had texted her mom about shay and been like by the way i think that like sheena and shay are really obnoxious these days and you should know like that's totally inappropriate listen we have to have a talk you sent my mom a frittata emoji, and I'm pissed. I don't even know what a frittata is. Is that a hat? Why are you sending my mom omelet emojis?

Tom, too, is going to talk to... He's really pissed at her. No, Tom number one. I wrote Tom number two. Goddamn everybody with the same name. But Tom says, At the end of the day i know who my real real real real friends are okay well now that we've got that settled adulting so then lisa calls she wants to know how's max how's max and like he and james are drinking in bed so that's going well

and then we go to the beach like i'm just waking up darling it, it's 1020. They're on vacation in Hawaii. What the hell do you want them to do? Yeah, exactly. So then they all go to the beach, and they're drinking from their suntan lotion things again. And then Brittany has this salient observation. She's like, one time I did that in a perfume bottle, and the alcohol tasted like perfume. Thank you, Brittany, so much for contributing to this conversation. That girl's such an idiot. Brittany is so excited, though.

This girl never thought she'd be in Hawaii. She never thought she'd be out of the coal mines. I mean, here she is in a bikini. In a foreign country. With a bunch of famous people. We won this war, y'all. This is our country now. She's like having the time of her life i mean this girl won

the lottery granted it has terrible breath and man boobs but still a lottery is a lottery poor jacks i just wrote down poor fat jacks poor fat jacks he's got when did he turn into joe judice yeah it's bad that shot of him ironing later on in the episode was not good. Only because he's supposed to be a model. And he's got his jockstrap. He's wearing the gayest jockstrap. It's like baby blue and green. Shut up, Jax. He's wearing this jockstrap on camera because he's just trying to get as many nude scenes as he can, which is dumbfounding to me.

And he's ironing, trying to get his dick line in and everything. Meanwhile, his tits are dangling off of his body. I just love it. Cause I hope that he's sitting at home and being like, wow, maybe next season I'll put on a fucking shirt. Yeah.

So anyway, back at the beach, there's some nice foreshadowing. Cause Jack's a bunch of them are surfing. And, and like one of the Toms is like, Whoa, Jack's like,

you stole the sunglasses from the hotel room. He's like, yeah. I was like, ooh, foreshadowing. And meanwhile, out on the sand, Lala's wearing her thirsty ass bathing suit, which is just basically like three strings. And, of course, this totally makes Katie mad. Katie, who's wearing like a dickie on the top and like some, you know, some bottom. She's wearing like a burka on the top and like some you know some bottom she's like like a burka kini yeah she's like that's what the girls in the rap videos wear which was such a like it was a very uh that was like a very charged comment there was something about that comment that was like

but also isn't that like your dream katie do remember, do you not remember telling us that you're a model? Like, what the hell else do you think models do? They do rap videos. They do music videos. That's what they do. Stupid Katie. Yeah, stupid. So then Lala and Sheena are like chatting.

And I forget what they're chatting about. But they're just like, you know, Lala was talking about how like frustrated she was. And Sheena was like, listen, I know what it's like to be the new one. To be the one that everyone thinks is a slut. You know? And Lala's like, oh, well, okay. i know what it's like to be the new one to be the one that everyone thinks is a slut you know and i was like oh well okay uh but i know what it's like to be you like everyone thinks you're a slut and like you you fuck that married guy and then like you know she's broke her teeth actually yeah that's not so but i love how like sheena sheena is acting like she's some sort of mentor. I'm like, listen, Sheena, drop this big sister act.

Because it was just last night when you didn't corroborate Lala's story and made her look like a jackass when she was talking about how Jax was telling her that he wanted to fuck her. So don't act like a big sister. You literally called her a whore on national television on her first episode you walked right up to her and called her a whore and called her a yacht girl you mean mean mean girl you see that just goes to show you you can go through shit but that does not make you a nicer person it makes you worse yes so exciting news back in los angeles we're back at christine apartment, and who should come walking down the hallway than our old friend Stassi. Stassi's mom. Yeah, Stassi's mom wearing Anchorman makeup.

And a sack sax dress. And she is here. Stassi is back. She wants to rectify things. She was so wrapped up in Patrick that she ruined all her friendships. And now she and Patrick are falling apart. And every time she says Patrick, I'm thinking of the guy from Spongebob. It just makes me laugh. Her with

the starfish. She's trying hard, but I do have to say in her defense fucking hilarious oh my god she was so funny i was really glad and i was not that big of a fan and i haven't really missed her on this show no offense stassi well that's because last season is really funny oh my god because now she she like she's like oh yeah i remember how i'm supposed to be i'm supposed to be just like a snarky bitch instead of someone who's acting like she's above everyone like so what was actually kind of cool is that she was pretty candid about everything she was like yeah basically um i was dating a guy and i sent him a video of me masturbating and then he started

sending it around and sheena had it and sheena started showing it to a bunch of people and was laughing about it and i was really pissed off about it so when katie said she was gonna go to miami with this girl who was showing around my sex tape and like having so much fun with it she's like it really pissed me off in fact she got she's like it's a big deal when you're going to miami with the girl who just showed my sex tape to everybody that's a big deal that's a really big deal because but that she she even one of the first things she said in the scene she goes oh kristen remember your old gross nasty apartment disgusting yeah but that being said like don't act stassi as if if sheena had a sex tape where she was pleasuring herself don't act like you wouldn't

show it around everyone be like oh my god did you see this like what sort of fingernails are those like how do you not even get a mani before you stick it in there she left a couple things out of here first i'm really glad that she told the story because so far i think it's just been on like instagram or like it's been gossip so i'm glad that she told the story she didn't finish it though a I love that they showed Sheena in Miami acting like she won because she did win which is so housewives I hate that the waitresses are like housewives now but it's also kind of hilarious that Sheena ended up beating Stassi in the end so yay Sheena because Stassi you totally deserve that one um and b she didn't finish the story because Lisa Vanderpump paid that guy and erased the video.

She paid him off. So that's why Lisa's always saying, I've done so much for her. She knows what I've done for her. That's what she means. She paid this dude off to get rid of the sex tape. And then Stassi still turned on her. And apparently Stassi is still talking all kinds of mad shit on her literally shake-as-fuck podcast. So I just wanted to point that out.

Because I like that she's kind of honest but doesn't finish the story. Whatever, Stass. Wouldn't expect anything less. Yeah. So the Stassi... But I love how they eventually wind up... Kristen and Stassi are now talking about, like, Could you imagine that Katie got engaged and we weren't there and the two of them are crying.

I was like, these two bitches. These two. These two sitting here crying. I mean, I just. The only one with her original boyfriend that they never gave like a shit about. Yeah. Now suddenly kind of one. I mean, of course, I don't know how long that's gonna last

if you're not fucking your fiance how often you gonna fuck your husband that's not that's not looking like a long laster right there yeah yeah um but you want to just stick with stassi and kristin i mean yeah yeah why don't we like well sure we'll we'll just take care of the stassi and kristin stuff and we'll go back to Hawaii. Sure. Yeah, because my notes are nuts. So I think we should just – because we're going to be here 20 hours. But Kristen and Stassi go to dinner and Stassi is doing so good at being nice. And you can really see her trying. She's like, Kristen – she walks in and Kristen is looking at herself in her phone.

From the strangest, strangest angle. I mean poor Kristen. She looked like a freaking alien in her phone. And the strangest, strangest angle. I mean, poor Kristen. She looked like a freaking alien in her phone. And she's like, I look pretty hot today. I'm like, no, Kristen, don't. Just don't. And Stassi walks. This is so Hollywood.

Stassi walks in and goes, are you periscoping? Yeah. She's like, no, I was just looking at myself in the mirror. And she goes, well, you look really pretty. She's like, oh, yeah, thanks. Seriously? Seriously? Seriously? So Stassi's trying to be so nice, and she goes, you packed, like, a bomb place.

Like, this place is chic as fuck. And Wellsborne is, like, the most, like, whatever. It's like an English tavern, but they have blue lighting behind bookcases. Whoa, crazy. Just when you think they couldn't reinvent a tavern. It literally was like on the list of like the douchiest bars in LA. It was? Yeah.

So Kristen is asking. Kristen's telling her about this new guy. It's one of Jax's friends. But like still like he's hot. Like okay. We like kind of fooled her. And Sassy goes. Did you? Fuck. And she's like no's hot like okay we like kind of fooled her and sassy goes did you fuck it's like no but like we did things and stacy goes well i'm sorry to like bring this up to you but um like i've heard some things um he has a living girlfriend and kristen's like who did you

hear that from stacy goes okay well I was like Facebook stalking him myself. Stassi can't help from being horrible. Yeah. So Kristen doesn't care. So this guy shows up. He's a typical Jack's friend. He looks 45, but like way too much work done already. Kristen has to pay for the Uber for him to get there.

Yeah. Because Lord knows he don't have a job. So she pays for the Uber for him to come. Then he comes. Stassi grills him. He gets raked over the coals immediately. This is like classic Stassi, which made me very happy. So you have a girlfriend?

An ex-girlfriend. Oh, really? An ex? Well, an on-again, off-again. So is it on or off oh god i don't are you gonna marry kristin tell me now are you gonna marry her well i don't even know like i just met her are you gonna so you're gonna you're gonna knock her up with babies i love stassi and then she's like well the best one they're talking about like well you're better not cheat on like

don't cheat on her etc or whatever and kristin's like yeah i don't let people cheat on me i'm like no she doesn't even say that she goes i don't want to be the one that someone's cheating with because like i'm not going to be that one that someone's cheating with so as long as they're not on right now i'm okay because he's not cheating with me and stassi just gives her this look and says well i'm going to let that one slide. Yeah, you can see it's like a cartoon where it turns red from the bottom. Reggie! It was like she wanted to go Yosemite Sam.

At that moment, she comes to the ground. And she says, well, I'm trying out this whole forgiveness kick. So I'll let that one slide. So gross all around. So funny. and i was really glad she's back i don't know how they're gonna work her back into this show and i'm assuming they're not because she's still bad mouthing vanderpump so i'm guessing this is like a two or three episode stint but who knows no i think she's gonna come back i think this is gonna transition her back and then next season she'll be back full time i hope so because it was fun to watch her and i would love to hate her again like i'm very uncomfortable liking stassi and i like her now so

i like i like i like it when she's the queen bee and bossing people around that's when she's when she lost her power and you know it just and got dowdy it was not right yeah when she started um trying to get everyone else fired, that's when you lose. Tom and Ariana, I mean, what Katie is saying about Tom and Ariana is correct. They're nothing like Kristen. But the fact that they're trying to eye somebody out of filming is just what Stassi did. And look who's gone now. Stassi needs to date someone at Surrogate.

I'm sorry, that's just what has to happen. Because she needs to get jealous. She needs to do more investigations. When she investigates, that's really when she shines. Like when Kristen investigates, it's just like sloppy and sad. But when Stassi investigates, oh, it's scary. Stassi will find John Stossel fucking some child. You know?

Like she'll turn Dateline around. There's a reason why she's been named after the secret police. So anyway, we love you. Come back. I need hate you again let's so let's go back to hawaii's yeah um the girls are on a raft who doesn't care and jack's i don't like the britney's like on the raft with lala yeah lala whose cooch is blurred out what else does she have to tell britney she told her everything, and your dumbass Insta friend is believing everything, so you're fine. Max is snorkeling. He shouldn't be snorkeling. He's got, like, when you snorkel, you've got to put that thing right up in your grill.

What's he doing? What's he thinking? Doesn't he want to have teeth? He's like, my day has come at me, shark. I've got metal teeth now. The shark tries to bite him. He's just like, really? Seriously?

Sucker, Pandora tastes much better. Pandora tastes like an Entenmann. I taste like an oxycodone and a beer bong. Wrong choice. So then Sheena, back on the beach, Sheena and Katie are talking. Sheena got a text from Kristen that Kristen and Stassi were hanging out.

Katie's like, I don't want to be friends with Stassi ever again. I'm like, shut up, Katie. You're going to be friends with her because you're weak. You're the weak one of this entire bunch. You just are friends with whoever will take you in. Totally. She's like a dog in the rain. God bless her heart. So then everyone goes out to dinner

and they're at dinner and they get these giant watermelon bowl drinks or whatever. Shay, I mean, his boner was going through the table. They're like, okay, everyone, so we're going to serve you guys some drinks and a watermelon, and it's going to be about 300 shots of vodka and some tequila and gin, and we're going to scoop out some watermelon and put it in there too.

And Shay was like, his eyes were so big. It's not hard alcohol if it's mixed with watermelon, right? That's a fruit. Yeah, Shay can have that. It's like a smoothie. Lala, meanwhile, it's like she just time traveled to like 1842, found some kids like pushing those hoops around with sticks, and she grabbed them, put them on her ears, and came back.

Those things were huge. I was waiting for a tiger to jump through one of them that shit was enormous huge you know these people are such jerks that waiter it took him 30 minutes to get through all the ingredients of that watermelon drink and it was the most pain in the ass drink to make and this entire staff complains about how hard it is to muddle drinks so they order the most difficult drink they're like well take 20 i just had to say that i had to stick up for monologue waiter because yeah they totally fucked him over even though when it came out it was just like a watermelon with shit from a margarita machine yeah that's exactly what it was and then uh we had this random moment where we learned that Lala and James did try to have sex, but he couldn't get it up.

And she's like, well, he couldn't get up because he's lame. And then he's like, I had too much to drink. I had whiskey dick, all right? So just going to get back on and try a second time. And she says, if you have whiskey dick, drink vodka. I've never heard of vodka dick. Okay, I'm here to explain to you. There is such a thing as vodka dick.

I have it. Now you've heard of it. I actually felt bad for James because, like, for guys, that's, like, a very sensitive issue. You know, like, if you can't get it up, you know, it's really not a big deal if you can't get it up. But the last thing you want is someone shaming you for it and her being like, well, we obviously shouldn't be together because you can't get it up but the last thing you want is someone shaming you for and her being like well we obviously shouldn't be together because you can't get it up so he deserves it because he's like i'll be staring at i'm not saying whether or not he deserves it but i'm saying i i did feel bad because that's like that's how to give a guy a complex and when you get a complex then he's just going to act more obnoxious well she's already basically everybody's already

everybody already knows he has a tiny dick and now he can't even get it up god bless his heart but i like but this is why i will never feel sorry for james because he does shit like this lala says he's he blamed me because he said that i just couldn't get him hard but it was with i mean who does that it was your fault it was your fault your basic bitch i can normally get hard on but you're not hot enough, Lala. And then she just gives the camera a look like, really? Look at me. Yeah, that is pretty shady. That is pretty bad.

I forgot that he said that. Never mind. Shame him all you want. Yeah, he's the worst. So Tom pulls aside. Sheena, because they only have these conversations during meals. You know, they spend all day together, but it's like, you know what? We're having a meal.

Let's have a fight in the middle of the meal off to the side i was surfing before man like it was rough kristen yeah so tom kind of just tries to get through to sheena again on the same topic and again she's like but i meant what i said i meant it i meant it and then sheena of course is such a martyr she's like well i guess I'll have to take the blame for everything. I'll just say sorry and sorry and sorry until I'm blue in the face, which would actually be cool because it matches my glasses and cell phone case. I like that he laid it out for her and said, the thing is, you texted her mom this stuff. And, like, you're smart enough to know that that's, like, a dick move, Sheena. Like, he explained it well enough.

Like, well, I'm sorry that you're cocky, okay? And he goes, Sheena, I've never acted like I'm better than you. Ever. Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. Ever. Ever, Sheena. But here's what you should be doing to have a healthier breakfast. And then he brings in

her marriage, because you know, she's fucking with him so he says well yeah look at shay because like she can't even talk he doesn't have a voice you know and like you'll talk over him you're like manipulative and then she goes yeah um my relationship none of your fucking business uh you just texted his future mother-in-law and that's exactly what i said like 20 minutes ago is that like if someone did this to her, she's like, none of your business. But, like, the moment he mentions Shay, you know, it's like, and yet you're, like, texting people's moms. I mean, get out of here.

Yeah, and he is just done with her at this point. I'm sure he's been done with her for a long time. And then she tries to smooth it over by doing that generic thing of, like, hey, you know, we're, like, brother and sister. You annoy me, I annoy you. Ha, ha, ha, ha you and he's like yeah he just gives this like hateful look to ariana i'm sure yeah but to whoever like she's done meanwhile britney and lala like are like fine now they're like britney's like i don't want to hate you just let's just start over it's fine and i was like yeah that's cool whatever and then jacks is like this is why I love her.

And he's like, I love this girl. I love her so much. And then a waitress comes over. This is the best part of the whole episode. A waitress comes over to clear a cup. She's not even saying anything. She just takes a cup, a few cups away. And Jax, while he's professing his love to Brittany, like fully checks out this waitress, her rack, her ass, everything.

So good. And then Jack says, we're a very unique group. I'm like, no, you're not. You're a bunch of fucking 40-year-olds who refuse to accept it and are still getting wasted every night and making your faces unrecognizable. Have you been to L.A.? Look around, boo. You're not unique. We're a sexy, unique group.

Sugg. look around boo you're not you're a sexy unique group sug so um so then you know next thing we all of a sudden we just sort of see footage of things whatever and phone calls and guess what jacks as we've all heard and seen in the tabloids etc thrown in jail because he shoplifted some sunglasses in hawaii so now everyone's like oh my god we gotta get jacked out and sheena of course sheena goes jack has to ruin it for all of us and go get arrested like sheena it's not it's not ruining anything for you it's literally ruining nothing like he didn't take your plane ticket with him you idiot you can still get on the plane it's all about me like how could he do this to me? I wore my blue glasses. How are we going to get out the third hour blind? His mom, when they called his mom on speakerphone, because, you know, Sheena, shit stirring.

She's like, let's call his mom on speaker. They call and his poor mom's like, oh, gosh, how does this boy do this? Who is this? What is going on in his head? Meth. Meth is going on in his head meth meth is going on in his head that's what and jack's in his confessional is like i'm embarrassed i'm embarrassed and he like leans forward and tries to does like a fake cry putting his fingers in his eyes and wipes away no tears i'm like please he tries to cry and talk about how reformed he needs to be because that's not him man and then he looks into the camera and he's got eyes like fucking sewing needles.

Yeah, you've really changed. Yeah. Cokie jokey. Get out of here. Cokie coke coke. Oh my God. So then at the airport, I apologize, babe.

Like, if you don't want to be with me anymore, I understand. I could use the closet space. And Brittany's like, I don't even know what to say Right now But I'm not moving out so get comfortable Like a

Poor Brittany She even has a little star behind her ear Yeah That girl knows how to deal with pain okay These people Such jokes Such lovely jokes love this show so much

please don't ever let this show end I know it's the best I can't wait to see what happens I can't wait to see Lisa scold Jax be like I spent $11,000 bailing you out and this is what you're showing me and he's like I know but I'm broken oh darling Jax

come here for a hug I'll give you the glass i stole back okay done can we hug me darling all right hanky hug jack's darling everybody thank you for listening to the watch what crappens podcast come to watch what crappens.com for all our links thanks for everybody who supports us on patreon.com slash watch what crappens and come to facebook facebook.com slash watch what crap happens we love you guys we will talk to you next week yay bye everyone hey prime members you can listen to watch what crap happens ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today

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