Watch What Crappens - #263: BBFN *Best Betch For Now

Episode Date: February 3, 2016

NeNe is back and she’s making Sheree squeal. Literally. The ladies of Potomac watch children try on bikinis and hug for no reason, and Padma gets drunk on Top Chef and throws micro greens at people. Enjoy! Timestamps: 0-9:14 Chatter, hot Ben, free eagles 9:24-24 Crappens Mailbag: Real Babushkas of WeHo, Golden Housewives, burning questions 24- 1:22:15 RHOA: The return of the Moose and finally: I’M KIM FIELDS! 1:22:15: Top Chef: Padma gets shitfaced and throws food. 1:40:05: RHOP: Whisky, engagement pleas, test driving cars you’ll never afford. ------------------- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com ---------------------- Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors, Marvin J. and Christy Doherty. We love you. Hello and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on Bravo. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV and I'm here with the lovely Ben Mandelker from the Beatside Blog. And we're at the Improv Wood.

The Improv of Hollywood. Yeah, we're actually in a place looking at each other. Yeah. Awkward. Professionally. It's just me and Ronnie, but there's actually another Ben here. Yeah, Ben number two. Ben hot.

Yeah. Hot Ben. Hot Ben. He's waving. He's waving to acknowledge his hotness. He has like a, it's that's not an eagle right what is that looks like an eagle what is it it's an eagle it's an eagle yeah it's an eagle on his hat yeah exactly freedom yeah it's a black eagle he represents america freedom you

guys so this is very exciting we have a producer today and we're in we're in person and we're actually at a proper establishment that people know of i know there's so many couches without desks we've already actually surpassed adonis's career on newlyweds the first year we've actually made it to the hollowed improv and he's still in phoenix at like the haha factory whatever it's called he's in the basement so just the beginning housekeeping stuff to get it out the way come over to facebook.com slash watch what crop ends to talk to other listeners talk shit with us and post links and stuff i've been reading that all morning i had the best poop this morning reading that facebook

there's a lot of links on there a ton some salahi links some judas links settlers of katan links even which made me so happy settlers of katan nato links thank you guys that that thing i posted twice actually so that really made my day do not read the news it's depressing everybody's dying terrorism is taking over and then the rest of us are just crying about shit so go to facebook instead make fun of the slahis and nachos um also thank you to people who support us on patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. That is our premium feed. Go there to get our bonus episodes. Today's bonus episode, we'll be discussing Grease the Musical.

Yeah. And I can't wait. Yeah, I'm excited. So if you want to hear it, go to Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. You can find all our links at WatchWhatCrappens.com. Yeah. That's it. Let's keep them intro short man

someone on itunes said i talked too much and i'm like no shit where have you been we've been doing this almost four years listen it's a podcast you know i sit fast forward that's what i say i've done another podcast you just hit the 15 second advance 15 second advance so i wish i could say i was gonna talk less but i doubt it's gonna actually it probably will happen today because like i don't know i can hear myself well we also have like a hatred we're also street park today so we have sort of like a two-hour limit before we possibly get a ticket oh yeah we'll have the popo yeah so actually before before everyone hits the 15 second fast forward though i actually do want people to listen to this which is that uh we are so excited uh because buzzfeed uh mentioned added us to a list of 22 pop culture podcasts

to make your commute less shitty, I believe. So that was actually super cool that we were on that. I mean, like everyone else on that list were like professionals. You know? I know. It was crazy seeing our logo next to like real. Real logos. Real podcasts.

Yeah. No, it was like, it's like crazy. it was like a real i mean we're i think we're just always still so surprised that people know who we are and the truth is that our podcast has grown so much thanks to everyone telling everyone else about it um but i still you know i guess because maybe we generally record it in our bedrooms i have a living room how dare you okay i'm not lazy i don't do i don't have a bed desk yet, although I do hear Ikea has one. Oh, that sounds amazing. So, yeah, it's just really cool.

Every time something like this happens, you know, to be on a list of BuzzFeed, like an elite list of pop culture things, it's really, really cool. Especially when my mom's, like, on my nerves because I'm 40. Well, she's on my ass. I mean, not my nerves, but she's always on my nerves. That's how we roll in my family. But she's on my ass because I'm 40 and I have nothing and I'm like but look BuzzFeed and she's like what's that yeah my mom actually knew what BuzzFeed was my mom was like that's fantastic I was like wow look at my mom knowing BuzzFeed I told my mom there's a lot of lists there she loves lists yeah well now we are on a list we're officially on a list and that's

gonna have to figure out how to open the internet on her damn ipad all she does is play like solitaire and curse at it well she can curse at buzzfeed too if she wants um the other thing we have to give a big shout out to you know speaking of the people who support us and help us grow um one of our listeners taylor hawkins linked on our facebook page to uh the go my god uh forums am i saying Go My God? Oh, is that how you say it? I just said Go Me. Go Me? I don't know. On the internet, how can you tell?

I could have written it wrong. Now I'm sounding like our moms. Is it the Go My God forums? Whatever you guys are. Oh, Go My Blog. Go My Blog, not Go My God. Get Off My Internet. Oh, Get Off My Internet. I thought it was like a play on Oh My God. It was called Go My God. guys are um oh go my blog go my blog not go my god get off my internet oh get off my internet i thought it was like a play on like oh my god it was called go my god i didn't get it i like that

go my god i am really out of touch um but anyway go me uh you guys there's like this huge community of people posting over there and like saying how much they like us and and i only discovered it right yesterday i was reading through it because of taylor hawkin and it really was like made my day and then we got the buzzfeed thing after that i just want to say thank you so much to everyone who is like writing and supporting and like championing the crappin's cause and getting people to listen it really yeah hell yeah thank you guys i'm getting called by a creditor right now you see how that helps yeah see thank you creditors see like we. Oh, wait, it's a creditor. Capital One's calling in right now.

They have pressing questions. They're like, you guys are pronouncing it wrong, okay? Stupid. But, you know, we may be podcasters, but we're not exactly web designers around here. But we, as in Ronnie and I, are creating an awesome segue it's an ad segue we are creating an awesome watch for crappins.com website using weebly we still can't even believe how easy weebly has made it for us hell yeah all you gotta do is drop drop and drag and drop stuff in there and make a website that's crazy anybody who's been to any

of my websites knows that i'm a horrible monster and don't know how to do it so this is amazing to have something drag and drop i mean that is like the motto that tamra barney lives by drag and drop drag and drop most housewives are drag drag drag drag through the mud and then just dropped on their faces and left it seemed like at a 10-year reunion but not weebly it'll be here forever yeah bigger than squarespace so we're actually going to revamp our watch what crap ends website using weebly and we're really excited about it um weebly was actually created for people with the courage to start their own business and the dream to be their own boss you do not need to be a web designer or know how to code okay if you if the word code

brings terror to you it should okay it's a hideous horrible thing to do you do well yeah you know how to do it i'm like ben i can't finish anything you're like okay have fun i'm going to eat lunch to create a beautiful website or blog or online store sweet yep on the weebs you know we were all very impressed with the wide variety of profession design mobile friendly themes to choose from my weebly me ben and ben other ben was especially impressed that's why i got an eagle hat yeah he bought it he bought it from a weebly website yeah he had a blank hat before now he's like freed by the weebs weebly liberation so you guys uh you just pick a theme and then you can customize it update and change it anytime you want to on any device now you can have a blog a store it's mostly for e-commerce

stuff i mean if you have something to sell get your butt on there and start selling that shit yeah i mean actually we had like a whole call about weebly uh with their representative and like we learned like people earn are like making crazy money on weebly it's crazy like hundreds of thousands of dollars like why do we even have a podcast we should just be selling tchotchkes on weebly our weebly site i'm gonna be making shit out of trash ties any day now do not put it past me i've got so many trash ties in my drawer i'm cleaning my house so it's like where are where are these coming from i'm selling them on weebly so uh with that in mind join the over 30 million people who are already dreaming big with weebly get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch that's weebly i'm sorry that's w-e-e-b-l-y.com slash watch weebly.com slash watch they're up thank you weebly.com slash watch. Thank you, Weebly. Thanks, Weebly.

All right. Now that we've got all the hellos out of the way, Ben. The hellos and thank yous, et cetera. Et cetera. Let's get into some crap and smell bad, Ben. Yay. Dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong. Since we're recording at the improv today, We can't play the music properly. It'll sound weird if we try to play it.

It probably wasn't even a huge difference. Yeah, exactly. No offense to your GarageBand skills, Ben. Thank you. I just basically took sound effects from the Apple Jaguar system from three years ago and put them together in a loop. Okay, so Krappen's Mailbag. We actually have a lot of questions. We have actually, there were still some from last week we didn't get to,

so we'll just read one of those so we don't get too backlogged. But this is from Emily Laird. Emily, who we didn't get to last week, she asked, are there any cities or areas in the U.S. or abroad that you think should get the Real Housewives of treatment? F yes. Yeah? What do you think should get the real housewives of treatment f yes yeah what do you think i know automatically who do you who do you want i know you want some city uh i feel like it should be like somewhere in siberia and just see babushka's like angry coming out coming in from the cold just staring at each other and drinking vodka oh no i live in west

hollywood that's a russian neighborhood those bitches will cut each other yeah there is not like a tea party fight the big the big activity in the siberian city will be just like there'll be just like one crosswalk in town and they'll walk back and forth because that's what they do in west hollywood too if you go to west hollywood and you go to santa monica and fairfax it's just old babushkas crossing the street it's like they did all day long crossing the street. It's like they did it all day long, crossing the street. I don't know where they're going. I don't think they do either, but they call it exercise. We call it exercise.

And then you walk back and forth. That ain't Bernard shit, lady. Two babushkas last week, I was walking past the Hayworth House, which is a retirement village or a retirement home by me. And there were a couple of ladies standing out there smoking and they said oh you what is this harassment i said what what is this word harassment and so i was trying to explain it to them and they looked at me like i was crazy because i was like it's when you just keep bothering somebody and then they won't call you back and so you keep calling them or like maybe like when you stop someone on the street and ask them to define a word

or like the way that i see you every day for years and and ask them to define a word. Or like the way that I see you every day for years and you never speak to me, just give me dirty looks and then toss your cigarettes towards me. That's like silent harassment. Yeah. But I was explaining it and they were just like, you're an idiot. I mean, it would have been easier just to Google that shit. Yeah. How about this?

Yeah, say that. Say how about what is this cell phone with Google on it? Yeah. Do you understand what Galaxy Note is? You buy. I was just so happy, actually. I'm acting all bitchy, but I was so happy they talked to me. They have never talked to me, Ben. I walk down the street every day like, hi, hi, you know?

My stupid Texas ass. And people just look at me like they're going to catch fat or something. I once helped an old lady in West Hollywood. She was in a wheelchair. And this is when the Trader Joe's used to exist on santa monica and poinsettia and there was an old lady also she was not russian but she was like she was in a wheelchair and she was like rolling herself up the slight incline up to the trader joes she's like excuse me sir could you just push me to trader joes i was like sure and i was like patting myself on the back like look at me helping an old lady and i was like wheeling her up to the Trader Joe's. And then she's like, do you mind telling me what year it is?

I was like, at that time, I was like, it's 2005. She's like, no, that's impossible because I was already born in 2020. And I was like, all right, see you later. Bye. You crazy bitch. You're not even going to remember me helping you. What was the point? I know.

I'm like, no, I'll help an old lady. Not a crazy old lady. I know. Poor lady like, no, I'll help an old lady. Not a crazy old lady. I know. Poor lady. She probably had dementia. I'll start a charity only for nice, normal, non-crazy people in wheelchair. I'm a snobby helper. You must have total mental acuity if you're going to be helped by me.

Can you still do a crossword? Okay, I will help you across the street. Listen, she got to Trader Joe's. Okay, I did my dude um i would choose el paso where i'm from el paso texas because it's a border town it's so it's every culture in the world and um there are so many different things to fight about over there i would choose el paso what about like real housewives of ciudad de juarez oh my gosh that would have a lot of cast over there'd be a lot

of a lot of overturn over there would be because you'd have to keep going over the border because everyone works over the border and then lives in mexico you know because you can go back and forth so easily and then it also be murdered yeah or murdered yeah all those reunions would be like there'd be like three people at the reunion because two or three of them would already be dead. And then only one would emerge. That is terrible. We've made it to our fifth episode. Let's have a look-see and go back in time and look at all the clips.

They're all proud of themselves for not being dead after five hours. You know, like the castification would just be them getting kidnapped somewhere. Like the drug cartels are like, we actually didn't want to kill you but now that you're arguing so much we're just gonna throw you in a mass grave it'd be like a hill full of cardboard box houses there's no gate that opens it's just like a lid of a cardboard box opening oh that's so sad yay yay poverty yeah poverty the real housewives so we've so we've made fun of people who are getting murdered in mexico and old ladies who have dementia great off to a great start i blame ben and his eagle hat so um all right let's get to some more questions here. Jackie Flavin says, you get to ask any Bravo Liberty any single question, and they have to honestly answer it.

Who do you choose, and what do you ask them? I would ask Joe Giudice if he really gets blowjobs and truck stops because that's what they say on the internet. And I've always been curious, you know, because he's so confident. I figure he can get blow jobs anywhere and where are there like truck stops around where they live anyway yeah i don't know i'm curious about that on the jersey turnpike all over oh really oh well there you go maybe that's why he just kept driving his car even though he got he probably wasn't allowed to he probably stopped for the roy rogers and then stayed for you know whatever else happened

at the truck stop i shockingly am not curious about anything with these people i wouldn't ask them anything wasn't there wasn't more like on tv what weren't it wasn't there like i feel like the only big unsolved mystery that happened off camera was i would like to know exactly what kyle richards said to camille grammer maybe that was that was a big off-camera controversy, right? She never even said it to her. She said it to Taylor and then Taylor went in the bathroom and told it to her. No, no, no. The whole controversy

was that Kyle said to Camille Grammer, you know, like, you're going somewhere without Kelsey? Why would anyone care about you without Kelsey? Something along those lines. Uh-oh. You'd never get a full answer from Camille. She'd just say,

Well, Kyle, the fish are fun and sad. Just turn her into Dobby. Well, she's turning herself into Dobby. I feel like there are things, I mean, I'm trying to, I feel like there are questions I would like to have answered. Like, maybe somewhere with, like, Brandi Glanville,

things that she did or like what did kim richards really do in that bathroom or like jacks like maybe i'd like to know something about jacks really what what could you possibly want to know he would tell you everything anyway well no i'm not sure he would tell me the truth he's probably like literally in the white pages you could probably call him right now and he'd be like hello well that's the thing is there's actually nothing i'm actually curious about with jacks i just if we have the chance that they have to answer honestly and they they can't not answer honestly then i would like to get like some honest answers from jacks i would ask jacks what it's like getting

tits yeah i've always had them so i've always known the feeling but like to be a model and then to like start working so much and paying so much money to get a better face but then getting tits. Yeah. I want to know what that's like. You know, it's like puberty for a 40-year-old. I know what it's like to get tits. I'll tell you. I used to be a beanpole, and then I went to college, and I gained 60 pounds.

And I have yet to ever work off that college weight totally. Oh, you can lose weight, but you can't lose skin. Well, you don't have any weight. You just always tell me this. No, right here. Right here, Ronnie. I can show you. Oh, for Christ's sake.

Right here. Look at that. You see that? No, I gave that shit up. Have you noticed I don't talk about that anymore? I gave it up. I'm so sick of worrying about that. Who cares?

If I can still fuck hot people, I don't care. Yeah. I mean, it's weird. I think you should only work out for more money or more dick. That's it i know i i feel like you can add a third thing which is social media we're gonna look good on social media but don't you have those apps like the millionaire match but no offense patty but that that bitch uses where they're like hold on we have don't post this picture on social media yet

we have to take care of it first and then they they put it through some – do you know what I'm talking about? This, like, iPhone app. It's like Blunder. Yeah. Photoshop yourself. Yeah. It's called, like, Dazzle. And you can make yourself thinner and you can do all this stuff.

And so she keeps doing that. And then what was it last month? I think it was TMZ. She was on the front page of some huge news site looking busted because I'm sure it was, like, 9 in the morning. Who cares? She's coming out of a store and it was like the millionaire matchmaker went downhill look at this ugly bitch i was like whoa what the hell people she looks i mean when we when we podcasted with her she looked great i know i did too uh but yeah no people are a little crazy with those

those things it's like we know you're doing your bad airbrushing you're not a professional so what basically what happens is that everyone's face looks like a gradient. They don't even look like faces anymore. You can see the brick wall behind them. I know. Exactly. They're like Photoshop. Okay.

Oliver Haskins has a big, chunky question. So he says, using the Harry Potter sorting hat to place the facts of life girls into their respective Bravo houses is easy. I'm already intrigued where this is going. 2D equals Real Housewives of Atlanta. Blair is Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Joe is Real Housewives of New Jersey and Natalie is Real Housewives of New York.

I would like you to sort the gals from Golden Girls Blanche, Rose, Dorothy, and Sophia Miami doesn't count as well as the second city ladies into their respective cities. Do you understand that question? Yeah. Okay. In other words, I'll follow you.

Okay. Well, I mean, obviously, Dorothy is New York, right? Yeah. It's Dorothy. It's Dorothy. Dorothy's Bornack. That is not an Orange County name. And then I think Sophia would probably be New Jersey then.

She's a little rougher. Yeah. Although they do need like a Real Housewives of Sicily or something. Or that show we've always been talking about. If they just did like the Real Housewives moms of the Housewives or whatever. Just all the old lady gangs from all the shows. I'd like Real Housewives. Going back to the other question.

Maybe like a Real Housewives of like 1920s England. Of like Downton'd like Real Housewives. Going back to the other question, maybe like a Real Housewives of 1920s England. Of like Downton Abbey Real Housewives. So that way the women could just go up to each other and always go, what's it to you? What's it to you? Well, you've got Real Housewives of Potomac and they act like that. They do act like that. Like Downton Abbey. They don't realize they're the downstairs.

I think Rose is Orange County, right? Rose, I think, would be... Yeah, I guess Orange County. I mean, they're all so stupid. How are you going to pick the dumbest out of each city? I think Rose is... Oh, she's blonde. She's blonde.

She's ditzy. And then Blanche. I think Blanche is actually Potomac. You do? She's just a slutty one. Who's the sluttiest cast? I think Orangeanche is actually Potomac. You do? She's just a slutty one. Who's the sluttiest cast? I think Orange County is the sluttiest cast. Orange County is the sluttiest, although Atlanta also has some.

And she's Southern. Yeah, she could be Atlanta. Yeah, she would have to be Atlantic because she's Southern. Yeah, okay. So that's them. Although she does wear muumuu's like Kyle, who's Beverly Hills. Oh, Blanche. You see?

You get tripped up on blanche every time guys yeah she's always you can't you can't pin down blanche what about um so saxon city ladies carrie carrie would be new york have you ever heard her being interviewed i love that chick sarah jessica parker but yeah man what a snotty full of herself bitch she is that girl listening to her talk about herself she's they're like uh hello i'm alec baldwin here's the thing sarah jessica parker a brilliant actress from whatever and she's just like agreeing like yes yes i am the art she's like i live for art alec and the art of sex in the city i'm like bitch that show was about blowjobs get over yourself remember was it maxim magazine or

fhm they were so mean they released like the ugliest women of all time and sarah jessica parker was like number one how rude so totally rude and not true at all i don't know as you age everybody starts looking the same anyway who cares so when i look at hot people i'm like have fun with that it's over soon well i think samantha samantha would be Beverly Hills, right? Yeah. Definitely Beverly Hills. Charlotte is... Charlotte would be Connecticut.

She's Potomac. She could be more Potomac. She could be that girl, Brie, from Blood, Sweat, and Heels, who's like, you're fighting in my parents' house. Not Potomac. Did I say Blood, Sweat, and Heels? Well, that was Blood, Sweat, and Heels. Yeah, that's what I said right She could be

I think that she is either Orange County or Potomac But I think she's more She's actually You know what she is She's real housewives of DC Yeah Long forgotten

DC Good call She's DC Especially because there was That just thing that Came out about how The housewives of DC are cursed All housewives are cursed

Is anyone happy Is there any housewife who makes it out married and happy no absolutely right miranda is miranda she's so serious cake out of the trash that's all i can ever think about her because i still do that shit like throw shit throw shit out uh throw shit away after a binge and then i get hungry after i get high later and i'm like it's still in the trash. I had to start keeping a separate trash when I was still smoking cigarettes for cigarettes. Because I was like, I cannot eat another cake with cigarette butts on it.

Done it before. It doesn't taste good. Even with coffee, you guys, don't try it. So what would Miranda be? I mean, is she New York also? I feel like they have Chesapeie on her own separate one. Miranda would be be she was the nosiest i think miranda would be orange county because she's like a vicky she would go up to

somebody on a you know she'd go up to the sushi girl laying there naked with fish all over and be like you need to get a job yeah yeah i don't know miranda doesn't fit so well um i guess that should we should just call it a day for the mailbag? Yeah. Okay. I think so. Yeah, that's good. Now there's three questions. We'll get to some more later this week. So thanks, guys, for submitting to the Krappens mailbag. We love it.

Yay. Ding, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong. What do you want to start with? How about Atlanta? Notes for everything! Let's do Atlanta. Because Atlanta had, like, it was like every cast member in the history of Atlanta showed up. Atlanta was so good.

At one point, I was like, you need to just stop typing. Because so many things were happening. I'm not used to that. That's actually what happened to me. At one point, I was like, you know what? I just am stopping. And I'm just going to rely on my memory from this. I was like, also, like, I feel like Ryan's's gonna take a lot of notes about this so i'll just

try i'm gonna let you lead and i'll chime in didn't it's a typical episode of housewives where nothing happens for most of them you're like then they went to a store and this bitch packed for five minutes yeah and then and then there's one thing where you take a ton of notes but this one almost the whole thing i mean it started out with portia getting dressed trying on a bunch of clothes who cares yeah and her big new boobs don't fit in anything and she made her poor pregnant sit there come to work or she made her poor pregnant sister sit there on the couch and come to work and watch her yeah just coming to work today it's like the standard excuse me coffee burp is the standard getting ready go on a trip montage sort of thing which i don't know why they still include that like i'm happy just to start with the shot of you know the

stock footage of an airplane at the airport and they're getting off at the curb like i get it i understand i don't need the context to be established any further further than that i don't need to see the packing etc and how many cheap fredericks of hollywood knockoff clothes can a stylist bring to your house that looks like a whole u-haul full of tacky ugly clothes and her boobs are bigger than her head like hours are huge now she can't fit in anything all that stress eating is going directly into her breasts how i know right that's another one if she ever loses weight it's gonna be she's like literally turning into a benny hill sketch right you know like when they've got like two bald men like and there's a

woman standing behind two bald men. You think it's her boobs. And then she walks away and they put their heads up. That's exactly what her, that's what her boobs are looking like. Bald men heads. How do boobs stay young for so long? I mean, Portia's still young, but you know how people, I mean, I have Pornhub and stuff. Boobs, your whole body can be all old and dragging on the ground.

But implants just stay young forever. The skin's like always still perfectly stretched. I want to get implants just so I could have a young part of me forever. Well, they don't always stay like that, Yolanda Foster. Well, she got them taken out, though. It's not like they were sagging or anything. Yeah, it's true. Hers were so good, she kept them in even after they got busted in some car accident or something.

Yeah, it's like, whatever. We keep them in here until I have to blame my Lyme disease on them. I had to wear these when Bella started learning to drive because you can't count on an airbag with a drunk teenager. When I breastfed Bella, she became 90% silicone. They don't have Lyme disease. They were just breastfed just sailing their whole life yeah exactly their formative years were spent they're really stupid but their eyes are always clear uh porsche is talking about getting a bikini wax for jamaica why is that necessary she's like you

can't marry jamaica you need a bikini wax i don't feel like jamaica's like that and then later we see jamaica and it's like cardboard shack next to cardboard shack. I don't think anyone here is bikini waxing. Yeah, I think the last thing that they're interested in is your bikini line, Portia. They're like, would you like a duct tape wax, man? What else do you have? Well, I'm glad we didn't actually have to watch her bikini wax because that's like, you know, real housewife trope. Number one, watching these women get hair pulled off their vaginas.

Totally. Especially when they have no storylines like Portia. Yeah. Let's watch my koo-ha get snatched. I feel like most gay men who watch Bravo don't really care about that, and I feel like most straight women who have to do that probably don't want to relive it by watching it. So I don't know who those segments are for,

and I don't think straight men, I don't think that's the sort of vagina that straight men want to want to look at no we can ask ben but no he doesn't he's horrified already he's like what the fuck are you guys talking about why do they keep putting the straightest guys in here on our show why last time the poor guy was sitting there the whole time like what the hell have i got i think we're like the only gay podcast on sideshow network are we the only gay podcast or gayish gay leaning pod we're asking ben right now he's not on a mic

he's he says there are other people that are gay but not like dot dot dot not as ridiculously gay as this one academy is a new scripted podcast that follows ava richards Dot, dot, dot. Not as ridiculously gay as this one. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List,

Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee.

What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more.

She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful.

Oh, Theo Vons,'s co-host is gay? Yeah. Oh. Is he hot? Right. Theo of Road Rules is now a comedian. We're usually not this gay either. We just are talking about Housewives for three hours. It just happened to be. Yeah, exactly. That's the thing. We're super bro. Yeah.

We're usually super bra. No, we actually are pretty, like, bra. That's the thing. We're super bro. Yeah, we're usually super bra. No, we actually are pretty, like, bra. Not really. Yeah, you know enough queens. So anyway, back to Portia Williams. So speaking of people who do not need to get any gayer, Peter, please don't ever be gay. Stay on your own side of the fence over there, Peter. Peter!

Peter's bro! Peter! Peter's bro! Peter! Peter's excited. Actually, I will say, I'm going to give Peter a shred of whatever I'm giving him. It's that he did seem genuinely excited to show the woman his island, and he was, like, really excited. That was nice for him. Yeah, because he finally got a ticket to go home. You think he's going to be able to pay for that shit on his own?

Finally has an excuse to wear a Jamaican jersey over his favorite Gingham shirt. Peter's like me. Like, we both wear the same Gingham shirt everywhere. Thank you for following up how bra you are with your Paisley over Gingham. No, not Paisley. I don't wear Paisley. I forgot the first part. Short-term memories.

Jamaican jersey. No, but Peter always wears that same Gingham. And I would make fun of him, except I like one gingham and i wear that everywhere but the difference is that i'm like a poor podcaster and he is like a quote-unquote like established established entrepreneur i can't buy new sweaters okay peter sprue i took all that money and i spent it on tape so i can cover over the starbucks. I had to buy some red straws. He's slowly turning into Joe Mantegna. And Joe Giudice. So what?

Who cares? Peter's bro. All of our impersonations are on a spectrum. And this is the Peter's bro Joe Giudice spectrum. Peter's bro. Peter's bro spectrum. So he's like, hey, I want to go to the island earlier he's gonna go earlier because he's got to take care of some things beforehand i'm like what he's gotta go give

like hush money to his mistress down there he's gotta make sure that teenager is tied to a radiator so she can't out him on national tv he's gotta get like an extra bag of weed ready for the hotel so there are a couple weird things here. First, when they close up on their house, there's like a sign in front of their house. It looks like it's a for rent sign or a for sale sign. They live in a model home. They've been squatting. They're arrested developing.

Because there's something, and I couldn't tell what it was, but it's like one of those little signs in cursive. And I was like, that's the worst real estate agent ever. No one can read it from the street. That's why this house will never sell. It was probably a billboard for Bar One. Let's be honest. It was like, come visit Bar One's newest location. Charlotte, North Carolina, South Carolina, whatever.

Where is Charlotte? Which Carolina is that? I'm so embarrassed now. The South Carolina? I don't know. Who cares? I think it's South Carolina. It is South Carolina.

I know that. Someplace I will never be truly accepted. Just kidding, guys. Charlotte's supposed to be very progressive, actually. Yeah, right. Well, I've seen Southern Charm, and that's the entire South to me. That's all of the Carolinas combined. Yeah, they're not progressive.

As long as you have old rich ladies walking around with martinis and moomoos judging everybody around, those are the i'm afraid of the entire town can have gay pride parades every day but as long as that bitch is going to be there to knock me down i'm afraid i'm afraid i would love it um she's getting really good at her advertising shit she in this one thing it was like a for rent sign so okay there's that which i don't even know if it was let's just pretend it was for fun yeah so for rent sign then a close- up on Pumas. I guess it was Jamaica Pumas. And then a close up on her stupid eyewear. I'm like bitch.

Are you going to do anything but show stuff that you're getting paid to show? She's getting to be like Kyle. And you know what? That girl gets a fat burger for every party. So you go. You go Cynthia. It's the most work I've ever seen you do. I wish I had Fat Burger on demand.

As much as we make fun of Kyle for all this shit, it's just like self-loathing. We're just secretly jealous of everything that happens in Kyle's life. Well, I do hate myself, but I hate Kyle more. That's actually why I love Kyle. When I can hate somebody more than I hate myself, I'll watch them for years and years.

I make back fat jokes for a reason, okay? It comes from my own self-loathing i also wear a bra size that's too small for me um so peter has planned this trip which of course is the quote-unquote plan because he ain't gonna plan anything this man can barely make a damn coffee the yeah exactly i love how they keep referring to this trip as like a business trip for the cynthia bailey i wrote like they're gonna do this commercial i'm like don't act like there's actually even an air of professionalism with this trip bravo said you're going to jamaica go do they even have mobile stations in jamaica she's like i have to talk to a whole new line of gas stations to carry my two pairs of sunglasses

that i've stolen from other sunglasses we have a big meeting at the am pm in kingston and peter's like i'm so excited to show you my jamaica what is your jamaica peter it's probably just like a bag of doritos yeah it's like some french fries a cardboard box and like one of those jerk off sleeves yeah like what the hell else is in some like fuzzy you know he's gonna come out with some ridiculous cookbook called my jamaica it'll be him like holding like a casserole of jerk chicken as if like he's any authority on anything he's gonna go start taping um taping peter's peter's brew over uncle ben rice boxes in the grocery store in jamaica i can't do more photoshopping um peter's jamaica if peter

oh and then cynthia i how am i writing so much for a cynthia scene she doesn't even do anything she does nothing should i share you this no no you can i just think it's funny that she says uh peter's really taking the lead with his trip and one thing about peter is when he says he's gonna do something he really follows through doesn't peter have 20 children what the hell are you talking about yeah when he says he says he's going to do something like have a successful business, I've yet to see the follow-through on that. When Peter says he's going to do something, my Wells Fargo account is empty

the next day. Like, be truthful. When Peter says he's going to open up a crappy business under a highway, he really does follow through with that. It's amazing. He traded in a lot of Diet Coke cans after the last night he spent under that bridge. When Peter says he's going to hire an artist to draw a creepy drawing of us in a gazebo, he really follows through.

It's amazing. She's full of gold. I don't know why today, but she said she's talking about the stupid commercial. And she's going to bring Mimi and blah, blah, blah. We'll get to that later. But she's talking how kenya didn't even show up at the pitch and she says if you don't even have time to attend my pitch bitch you don't even have any sunglasses you've got a pair of aviators you stole from a bp yeah preparing i know i just love that i just love how how cynthia is talking about this eyewear line as if it's anything legitimate in fact you know what it might be

legitimate but the way she's like approaching this quote-unquote commercial, the mercial, as they're saying, the way they're approaching it is so amateurish. I mean, it totally actually destroys whatever brand that she had. Whatever legitimacy there may be in Cynthia Bailey eyewear is totally destroyed by how silly this is. I mean, even look at Sonia Morgan,

at least Sonia Morgan knew to get a box. Yeah. She at least got a box. She got a box. She at least got a conference room full of charlatans, you know, but that dress up in a shirt and tie. Cynthia Bailey's like all down on a toaster box.

What do you have? Cynthia Bailey, Cynthia Bailey's like, let's meet at like the coffee bean and two leaf and discuss like things we're going to shoot on our flip cams, which was funny. Cause the entire, the entire episode was like, here's Kenya's flip cam. Here's so-and-so our flip cams which was funny because the entire the entire episode was like here's kenya's flip cam here's so-and-so's flip cam i'm like you know

flip cams have been dead for like 10 years that's why they finally got him on this show yeah exactly they spent all their money flip cam overstock like the flip cams are sponsored by puma and all state yeah i also liked this cynthia may have said this later in the episode but when she's talking about her commercial she's like she's like this commercial has to get done i mean i don't know the next time i'm gonna be be able to shoot a commercial in jamaica for for cynthia bailey eyewear which was code for i don't know when bravo's gonna let me fly down here for free and pay for a commercial you know that shit's gonna be shot on that flip cam too oh yeah it certainly will be do you have a flip cam it can burn your eyes

it's the entire commercial it's gonna come on tv it's gonna be vertically oriented everyone's gonna be like oh i did it on purpose should have let kenya direct it after all she would have done it landscape mode ah there would have at least been better hair so the next thing is tootie She's so boring I don't even care But she's like Jamaica Yeah I've worked in the region before I'm Kim Fields

You're not W.C. Fields okay calm down Kim Fields finally came out of the closet Though as the raging bitch We all knew she was gonna be And yet I'm still on her side Well she's like a calmly raging bitch She's not really a raging bitch she's like a quiet bitch and then until she gets home to her husband everyone needs to have cameras in the car home with her husband so you can see what they really think because that's when the real shit goes down yeah absolutely

um she's taking her kids to jamaica okay she's trying to pretend that she's such a good mother by bringing her kids and not letting them get taken care of. You're bringing your child, putting them in close quarters with hoes, liars, thieves, criminals. You know they're going to fight. Like, what are you doing? What are you doing? And honestly, was it Phaedra who said it? I don't remember who. They had a good point, which is like, well, you're paying for the babysitter, so why can't they babysit them at home? She needs somebody to talk to on her level. She needs to be able to say, sit down.

I'm at the adults' table, and you're at the kids' table. She can't just be telling, can you more? You can't have any more salt. Well, she needs her kids there in case she finds a sale on dinosaur toys that must be urgently attended to. I think it's just to get better seating because you know if you have kids you get to go on the plane first of course only fly southwest i don't know how real airplanes work but i'm assuming that's why the one time i gained 10 pounds before christmas i was like maybe i can get fat enough to get those seats homer simpson style um uh i will say this though i, I continue to love Kim's.

Well, her, I mean, her toddler has whatever. It's just a screaming kid. But it's little Sebastian. Every single time on this episode when the woman would say something really bawdy and be like, oh, I want to go down on him. And like, whatever. They cut to Sebastian drinking apple juice with his eyes going left and right like a Felix the Cat clock. Like, mommy. You know he's remembering shit to Google later. It was like like i hope there's no parental block on the internet in jamaica

i'm gonna finally find out what going down means is she why is she always talking about elevators um but everybody every time it's going down mommy and it would always cut to spend it you'd only see like his eyes like it was always like the rest of his face would be like covered by like a seat or like a cup or something it would sort of like accentuate how small he is and especially when they were in that van and you just saw his eyes like but at least he had one positive thing because poor sebastian everywhere he goes he's like they don't even know what food i like here and this one he said i love this bus i was like what is it with this fucking family and transportation that constantly has to stop?

Listen, he loved the bus. It was like the ultimate carpool. It was like, imagine a carpool with more than three people. He's never seen such a thing. There were like six people. There were eight people. And then cameramen, too. This is the biggest carpool in the world, mom.

The carpool just never ends. Playing Little Mermaid in the back of the bus. Little Mermaid 2. So the other good thing that's happening on this bus, this, I think just in general why I like this show so much. They have so much fun and laugh on this show. I mean, they do rip each other to shreds and betray each other and stab each other in the face too. But still, like at least they have fun doing it. Yeah, Portia, like, you know porsche seems like the most fun person we always make fun of her for various things but she is

always having the best time until she goes crazy oh i even like when she goes crazy because even when she goes crazy they push her and push her until she goes crazy yeah she has actually she usually act and to her credit she she is not irrational she usually has to get pushed to a crazy place yeah she only knocked kenny out when she got that fucking bullhorn in her face yeah although there was that weird thing with her and cynthia last season where they were kind of like both kind of excessively aggro they were kind of like jockeying for position for something like in the in the void of whatever no storyline fight yeah they were they would like get together in a coffee shop be like

so you have something to say i don't't know. You got something to say? Well, I guess if you're not in the mood to communicate properly like an adult, then maybe you should rethink and fix your face. Well, I don't know. Maybe you shouldn't come with this attitude. Okay, well, fine. How about this? You're like, oh, God. I like when Portia gets mad and she just makes things up.

Like, you better get in the line. You know, she just makes up crazy things. Oh, I hope she yells at somebody soon. crazy things oh i hope she's just so funny also if you really look back at season one of porsche her first season she was like the doe-eyed innocent girl married to a potentially closeted gay man who just wanted a picture for perfect marriage and was prim and proper and didn't want to do anything out of line and to see where she's come now where she's like not only like bawdy but she's like exuberant and crazy and like always laughing. It's kind of amazing.

It's like watching a woman find her sexual freedom, exploit it, and then, you know, soon she's going to be like that baby Ruth. It's like so pretty in the store, but it's all innocent. And then you open and you start eating it. And then before you know it, it's just like covered in crap. And it's just a wrap you toss on the floor and find a few months later in the couch cushions. I have not had a Baby Ruth in a long time. I had one last night. What?

Delicious. Really? What a delightful candy bar. Baby Ruth is peanuts and— It's like a payday covered in chocolate. Right. So it's a nougat bar with peanuts covered in chocolate. Look, even when talking about Portia, we start talking about binging and binge eating in the middle of the night porsche is my favorite because she's finding her sexual

freedom and she's binge eating on national tv okay yeah porsche and sebastian for a spin-off about nothing okay so uh favorite clip of the season though we got to sit we got to see bob who's now on this trip yeah this is what so trip with them. So wait, what part are we at now? Are they getting onto the bus? You sleep with Bob. You sleep with Bob. You sleep with Bob. Is this now when they're getting...

This is now they've taken the flight? And they're now getting on the bus? I think that's when we first saw Bob. Yeah, we're on the bus. Nothing happened on the plane except Portia was... Nothing really happened. Nothing happened. It was just like Kenya's flip cam.

And Portia's like, I'll have a Vodka Tonic, please. They're like, they gave me a mimosa, but if the alcohol's good, then it's good. I was like, yeah. Can't argue with that. I'll take a mimosa. I like hard alcohol. You know that that's not hard alcohol, right? Stupid.

I love her. I love that even the flip cam editor will put in a shot of her just because she's so dumb and funny. Even the flip cam editor will put in a shot of her just because she's so dumb and funny. I feel bad for whoever had to go through that flip cam footage if that's the best thing that they could get that entire flight. Some poor intern had to sit there logging that flip cam footage. Shaky cam. Most of it was probably like Kenya fixing her hair. It's probably just Tootie trying to hide all the salt from Sebastian.

No peanuts for Sebastian. He's had enough salt. She's probably like trying to turn off the Josh Duhamel, Katherine Heigl movie. Cause it's like too adult for Sebastian. Now, Sebastian, you are not of the age where you can learn about a couple who hate each other,

but secretly like each other. One of them's a reporter. One of them's in marketing and they have a baby, but it's not really their baby. This is too adult for you. Sebastian, you're too young to learn that hideous awful people like katherine heigl can find love the world is unfair and you'll learn that when you're older okay um made that so yeah so bob bob whitfield uh so i had heard through that this had already been leaked onto social media that he was on this trip but it seemed crazy to me this was

like seasons and seasons of learning about how awful bob woodfield is you know yeah but we also learned how awful shiree is so yeah but like the things that shiree said about this guy the things that he would do this the the how obstinate he was and how awful and how he didn't pay the bills and then all of a sudden it's like here's's Bob Woodfield on the trip. I was like, what? And they all were like, Oh Bob. I'm like, this is what?

Like, this is crazy. And then, and it's actually been this way. This is now twice in a row because last episode or whatever, when he came back, Cynthia's like, yeah, well,

you know, you and I have been working on friendship and you know, we're friends now. We're friends. It's crazy. I'm like, I'm like, you can't just do that.

Just the audience and be like, Oh yeah. Off camera. We decided to become friends again. That's how women are though. That's crazy. You're my friend now. I'm like, you can't just do that to us, the audience, and be like, oh, yeah, off camera, we decided to become friends again. That's how women are, though. That's how they work. Those are all my friends. They're like, oh, he's an abuser. He's terrible. You should hear what he said to me.

I kicked him out of the house. And the next day, she's like, you want to go to dinner with me and my boyfriend? No, bitch, I don't. You just told me he abused you. Well, you know, I kind of started it. Okay, you need to, like, learn how to tell me stories because I cannot switch my judgmentalism this way. Yeah. So Bob Woodfield is back because they've been, they are friends again.

Trey's like, he's working straight back to me. He's trying to get back to me. You want me? You want me? Bob Woodfield is that bag of clothes you leave for old, like, for the goodwill. And then you go to the old Navy and realize there's nothing better and you're like fuck that i'm unpacking that on that goodwill box and taking it to the laundromat what the hell am i thinking what i'm gonna get another plaid shirt and some jeans yeah well well he's bob woodfield is he's got a cross-eyed bag of goodwill clothes

so does he have a dead eye because he said something like i gave her a look with my with my dead eye or my bad eye i think he opened is oh i thought that was like a look an expression for how like how you look at someone oh i mean i don't know i thought it was like a sandy duncan restaurant reference all the waiters are on cables flying in it's nothing but triscuits the menu only makes sense if you look at it with one eye. Yeah, and it's all on picnic tables like the Hogan family. Opening credits, playing baseball, softball. God bless Sandy Duncan.

I'm like, those are all my- What did she ever do to us? Nothing. She should come on the podcasts. Who knows where she is these days? She's probably up on the ceiling like, oh, there she is. She's dangling. Flying into street poles and shit i'm flying get this girl some glasses yo so on this bus by the way uh i hope you realize that cynthia goes hold up hold up hold up hold up cynthia trying trying she steals everything she hears around her because she also stole her

mercial she's like and now we're gonna do the mercial but get your own damn personality and then of course nini came back which we'll talk about i'm going through notes here how much do we really need to talk about well that's all right so we're so we're on the bus um and this is again where bob is talking about sheree's body and he's like oh that body whatever and then again they cut to sebastian well i mean i'm surprised they didn't cut to Tootie. I thought we were going to see some angry looks of Tootie, like, stopping the bus and being like, this is not for children. This is not for children. It was just Sebastian sitting there being like, what does Bob mean about the body?

And also, Phaedra and Porsche. What is wrong with me today? Phaedra and Porsche were just talking about dick the whole time. The whole time. Just dick. The whole time. Just dick. I'm not, you accidentally put your thumb in my mouth.

I ain't going to do that. She's single. I don't want that thumb in my mouth. I'm like, what the hell? She can't masturbate. I've seen those nails. She's still got knife nails. There's no masturbation happening.

So then I think it was Phaedra who asked Cynthia what was going on with the commercial. And so, oh, so the thing is this. Oh, it was Phaedra. Phaedra, yeah. So Cynthia has, by the way, earlier in the episode, Cynthia Fisher declared that, well, since Kim came to the pitch meeting, the quote about pitch meeting, that Kim basically, she's just going to do it with Kim. that kim basically she's just gonna do it with kim so when when asked so but the thing is cynthia hadn't actually told kenya that kenya was not fired but like not her pitch was not accepted you know she doesn't have the job she was gonna do it cynthia and you know cynthia was waiting to do that when nini was around to yell at kenya for her because that bitch has no balls like i

mean how awful to not tell this woman i mean even though kenya is being totally irresponsible but like you as like the project manager and apprentice speak how do you not tell kenya that she's off the job and then that comes up in this moment and so then when confronted kenya's like so do i have the job and so what does cynthia do so shady and such a bad example of leadership quote unquote i'm doing finger quotes she's like well you know kim said that there really is like you don't really co-direct so she basically blamed it on kim which was so fucked up because it was it should have been cynthia should have just said oh well you know what we had a meeting and you didn't come and you didn't tell me you weren't gonna come and i didn't i

just decided to go with with with kim and that's that but instead she was like well i mean i wanted you but like kim says you wouldn't co-direct but they're all so bad i love how they all set each other up phedra's like okay we just talked about dick and pussy for 20 minutes in front of sebastian to piss off kim okay now i'll ask kenya about her commercial or i'll ask cynthia about the commercial and then cynthia blames kim and then kenya's getting all mad look kenya has no legs to stand on okay yeah she didn't she didn't only not show up she didn't even call she just didn't come exactly and then and then this whole like her whole response was you know uh cynthia i really like resent this because i made myself available to you after that. And I have a lot of great ideas.

And we could have had a conversation. And you didn't even bother having that conversation. I'm like, this is where Cynthia was. I could have done it on your time. You didn't even show up to the damn free coffee shop, lady. Yeah, she makes it sound like she was so amenable. This is why Cynthia just had to be like, oh, yeah, well, yeah, you didn't show up. So I'm just going with Kim. And that then kenya would have no like to stand on and

kenya could be like well but i have ideas like but you didn't show up like i'm running a business well cynthia is only friends with people because they'll yell at other people for her she's friends with the strongest one in the group and this episode was hilarious because she really got caught because now both bitches are back in the house so so amazing um so they get to the mood palace welcome to the moon palace yeah that's where peter showed up in his in his jamaican jersey over his gingham shirt jamaica yeah i'm like dude just wear the jersey like why are you putting this over a gingham shirt it really bothered me there's the first house i duct taped together that's's a Home Depot box. Pretty good. Cynthia paid for the tiles.

They're made out of nickels. Have a pina colada. It's Peter's pina colada. It's my little cocktail. I've invented it. Peter's colada. Peter's colada. Moon Palace. Tootie.

Hospitality is oozing. Luckily, I have Band-Aids. I was like, shut up. Get upstairs. Get upstairs. is oozing luckily i have band-aids it's like shut up get upstairs uh sebastian upstairs sebastian drinks while porsche talks about consummating rooms yeah yes this is sebastian again with his little it looks like a little beer yeah it's like it was like a little thing of apple juice i think he is i mean he is like the cutest he is so cute with those like wide eyes and he's like confused but taking it all in. But you know Sebastian knows what consummate is.

Sebastian's vocabulary is already ten times what these women's are. Oh, yeah. He's significantly more intelligent than most people on Bravo. But as they consummate, I meant the soup. I'm going to make some candle soup in every room. We're going to be the first person to have soup in these rooms. That's right, girl girl get them swanson up in there okay so rooms 2d's big vacation the whole family in the tub yeah 2d makes me so sad

it makes me like want to not ever ever ever get married or get in a tub and then peter's phone is ringing he's acting like he's so polite by turning it off who is ringing you in jamaica get the fuck out of here that's some teenager change the radiator she's like please let me go maybe it was mal mal mal hey peter the big secret big secret it's me mal the bundle of joy make sure that cynthia's not paying attention so we can really surprise her. I'm going to show up and be like, surprise. I got caught at the airport.

I'm waiting for my jewelry to come through customs. I made it out of twisty ties and bottle caps. That's what they always say. It's not a party till Mal shows up. Hey, hey, party. Happy birthday to you you it's all minor she just sounds like a pigeon poor mal and everybody who's stuck in a room with her she was one of the many guest stars in this

episode like oh and here is mal hey and here's that weird doctor that shrey dated a few seasons ago with the strange hair patterns and the waiter walter come on in and dashawn snow she still earned less than 20 dollars for her charity and everyone ladies and gentlemen brielle wasn't it crazy when they were showing the clips of the past because i had to to make this show make sense yeah everybody looks so different nini had like 20 different hairdos and they were all wigs i mean yeah oh my god her face we'll get to her face we'll get to her face we need an entire segment on that yeah uh so sheree and bob go to their room and they're talking about how they were there 20 years ago as lovers and she's like he's

like yeah we're gonna do it she said no we're we're beginning our friendship and also the kindle that you smashed against the wall last time you threatened to murder me in front of our children she's like could i have a new air mattress for our son that's why i'm here let's be honest unkindle the bed that you burned let's look at a timeline here okay charrette chateau char has been taking like, you know, it's like one tile per year. Okay. Suddenly Kenya Moore issues. How many Bob blowjobs is that? Because you know that's the only reason she's back.

Exactly. Keep it electric. I keep Bob's blowjob. I'm like, look at the timing of this. Chateau Charest has been sitting there forever. All of a sudden Kenya moves in, issues this challenge of who's going to be done first. Who's going to be done first? And now suddenly like Charest is back with Bob, Mr with bob mr moneybags yeah kenya's with some gay guy

and bob is obviously broke because that neither house is done people are still posting on our facebook pictures of the houses well you know what's gonna happen is that they're finally gonna get back together and they're like so want to do a joint checking account checking checking account like yes sure and they'll get there and be like, congratulations, your total is $57.83. And now you owe Bob half of your salary because all the laws have changed since you left his ass the first time, you idiot. Yeah. You sleep with Bob. You sleep with Bob.

So Candy and Tom. Oh, yeah. Wow. The big news here is they switched their purple living room to yellow. Yellow and black. Who cares? See, now, yeah. Wow. The big news here is they switched their purple living room to yellow. Yellow and black. See? Now, colors. You think we're missing out?

See? Raleigh really likes yellow, so we thought, Raleigh, why don't you talk to Kayla about the yellow? Yellow. Purple. See? Now, we was going to do purple, but like, Raleigh was like, see? Now.

And one thing she literally- Ben is in the corner totally confused. He's playing Tetris over there. I'm watching his thumb. He's swiping left to everybody and then switching back to Tetris. I'm watching you. Don't swipe left on Tetris. It'll be a disaster. He's like, no, I do not want to block.

Okay? I want to stick. It's like a picture. It's like girls in different positions falling down. Lining up into blocks. I want all sticks. It's the LA Tetris. I will only play this game.

It's just only sticks. Anytime a square comes down, it's like, swipe right, it goes off the screen. People are so dumb here, they still wouldn't put that shit together. Still get it to the top. They should ask Peter to help build those homes anyway. I got some duct tape. So next, Cindy. You know I'm typing too much when I'm writing like Cindy.

Cindy and Tootie. Okay. Good news. I slashed the budget of the commercial. What? Was $20 too much for you to spend in one place? You're shooting on a beach with sunglasses Peter stole out of a mobile station with nobody hired. What the fuck does this commercial cost?

And no audio either, by the way. You have no audio unit. You are going to be shooting it on your iPhone 6. Let's be honest. It's going to be basically like production. It'll be like tangerine. You're going to be shooting it on your iPhone 4S. Six.

You're giving her too much credit. Yeah. She's like, we don't need a lighting crew. We just shoot it during the day. Save so much money. So Kenya's been antagonizing poor little Tootie this whole time and comes right up to them. I love this show. It's sunset on the beach.

It's gorgeous out there in a beautiful place. Let's talk about a fake commercial and fight with each other. And let me just preface this by saying that because Cynthia is so weak, she offers a conciliatory role to Kenya to be like, well, maybe Kenya can be on camera instead. I'm like, that's like even more insulting because it's like, well, but you can do this. It's just like you should just like not mix Kenya into this. I know she's being told by the producers to get Kenya involved, but like she should just leave well enough alone. But now here she is bringing Kenya back in the mix. And now Kenya's Kenya's mad.

You know, I mean, believe it or not, Kenya almost has a right to be mad because of the way Cynthia is giving such mixed messages. You know, like if Cynthia just said, sorry, you missed your chance, I think that would have been better. But the way that Cynthia sort of is, like, stringing her along, like, I would understand the frustration. She started this whole fake thing in the first place because she doesn't do anything except, you know, like, wait around to find who her husband's

banging on Instagram. Yeah. Yeah. I think I have a pitch for this commercial. You're on a beautiful beach. You see Kenya Moore coming towards commercial. You're on a beautiful beach. You see Kenya Moore coming towards you. You're horrified. So you put on really dark sunglasses. Then you feel better.

The end. I did it. No audio. I slashed your budget, bitch. It should be like someone's walking around an ARCO station and they get to the sunglass rack and they put on the sunglasses. And then when they put them on, they're transformed out of an Arco into a mobile station. They've moved up. Instead of their off-brand slushie, they have a Slurpee in their hand.

Oh, I've got bad news. Your budget went back up. We've got a real Slurpee. They should shoot it at that mobile station on Santa Monica and Kings. Have you been to that mobile station? Yes. They have like every candy bar. $10 for a goddamn pack of cigarettes. That mobile station can kiss my crap.

I know, but they have like every candy bar known to man. They have like all these bizarre Kit Kats. They have like green tea Kit Kats. They have green tea Kit Kats? Is that a real thing? It is. I don't buy those. But they have like every kind of European chocolate there.

It's the secret candy shop mecca of West Hollywood. Maybe I should look at the candy bars next time. Because I stumble in there drunk and I get things like the tuna sandwich that's been sitting there for two days. Delicious. Anything's good with mustard, guys. Yeah. You can get some. They've got a great Kit Kat and Reese's selection there.

And a lot of those Ritter Sport bars, you know. They've even got their own stoplight to go into that gas station. That's a very fancy gas station. That station made National News because that was the station that had the burrito vending machine. Remember that? There was a burrito vending machine remember that there was a burrito vending machine that station it would like make a burrito in the machine and it made national news it was like on letterman and everything and it was the only one and it was there and then after like like nine months it you know shuttered i guess people didn't want a machine

making their burritos which is probably i would say healthy as Chipotle. I would say I'm horrified, but I ate their tuna sandwich. So, it was like soggy wheat bread. Delicious. Delightful. I should probably stop myself, because I have some thoughts about, there's another candy shop that I went to recently, and I am really upset by it. No more. You haven't even had a Baby Ruth. I can't even hear your candy. I've had a Baby Ruth, just not in a long time. Oh, okay.

You never had a Baby Ruth? No, no, just been like years. That always makes me think of Goonies. Baby Ruth! Makes me think of baseball. Babe Ruth. Get it? Do not bring me into baseball. Start making fun of stupid names I don't understand.

Was that too inside baseball for you? The Babe Ruth, Baby Ruth connection. Stop trying to impress the straight guy, Ben. Makes me think of Ruth Reichel. Oh, great. You're like, I'm going to compliment a baseball name. Makes me think of ruth reichel reichel oh great you're like i'm gonna compliment a baseball name makes me think of my aunt ruth it makes me think of murdering you in a fancy gas station makes me think of my aunt ruth when she was a baby your aunt ruth is a baby probably

had the same face that 2d has during this dinner. Because Kenya is just poking, poking, poking at Aunt Ruth and she's like, I do not have to speak with you. And she's like, yeah, well, you're fat. And she's like, well, you can think that way, young lady, but I do not have to speak with you. And then she starts saying, well, you're just

listening to Kim and let me tell you about Kim. And Cynthia's like, well, Kim's here. She's sitting right next to you. So you can speak with Kim. And Cynthia's like, well, Kim's here. She's sitting right next to you. So you can speak with her. And she's like, I do not need to speak with her. So ridiculous. And then Kim says, now, young lady, this is the adults table and you're at the kids table. Oh, we're going to do that condescending thing.

What are you doing? Yeah. That's horrible. Like, I actually think that like that's Kim's only weapon is her condescending thing. So, like, just let her have it. Yeah. She's good at it. She's good at it.

But her answer was to something Kenya had said. Kenya was like, oh, really? How many commercials have you done? Or something nasty. And she said something back. She's like, oh, now we're condescending. Yeah. God.

I used to think Kenya was just making shit up to have something to do. I thought no one could be this fucking crazy. But she's really this crazy. I think she has borderline personality disorder, actually. On what? I've never understood that. What is it bordering on? So borderline is, I don't know why it's called borderline, but apparently people who are borderline are, they, everything, everything'm trying to remember. Everything's like about them.

And like, they take everything extremely personally and they lash out very viciously. Like, how could you do this to me? How could you, da, da, da, da, da. And big mood swings and all that stuff. How could you spill, how could you sell sunglasses at a gas station that has spilled oil in the ocean? I wanted a dolphin. How could you do that to my future dolphin? Well, the funny thing with this argument was that it really, like, Kim's comebacks are not great.

It kind of was like a shade more elevated than saying, I know you are, but what am I? It was like really, really bad comebacks. I wish I'd written them down, but everything's like, no, you are. No, you are. Pretty much. She was like, young really bad comebacks. I wish I'd written them down, but everything's like, no, you are. No, you are pretty much. She was like, young lady, you're about to be grounded,

but she, uh, she's going up against such an idiot. Kenda kept Kenda. Listen to me today. This is me sober. Welcome. But Kenny kept saying things like,

um, did Mrs. Garrett teach you to talk? And then she was like, Oh, real, real. Oh,

that's a good one. Good one. Yeah yeah good one i love that kenya's success shaming her i love success shaming where it's like oh look at you with your big sitcom career i know i'm like she's supposed to feel terrible that she doesn't have like her own ads taped on a flip cam inserted into her youtube videos you dumb bitch yeah i'm like you know say what you want to say about 2D. Like, sure, she's only had two major roles, but she's actually directed a lot of shit.

Like, we looked it up on IMDb. She's directed a lot of stuff, so... And those two roles weren't huge things. Kenya can't even sell her own stupid thing. Yeah. Now, admittedly, directing a TV show is different than directing a commercial, but still, we've seen Kenya's shampoo commercial. Kenya hair care. hair more hair which is so funny because it's like all i've ever wanted

and she comes out with it i'm like fuck you also kenya keeps saying things like oh look it's the 50 year old woman telling me i'm acting immature or something now you're being a just her whole thing this whole time has been like you're so mean just because she's younger and she says i'm older so now you find a bitch like one second older than you yeah i just wrote ageist cut fitness yeah i'm looking at by the way i'm looking at borderline personality disorder to see if i can oh my gosh well there's so many now they've really made every kind of crazy into like its own genre of crazy i know everyone has their own brand of crazy now so oh here we go so to be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder a person must experience at least five of the following symptoms watch me diagnose myself okay fear of abandonment

kenya unstable or changing relationships kenya unstable self-image struggles with identity or sense of self i guess i don't know kenya well probably because people keep calling her the wrong kind of miss like miss usa or miss america or whatever yeah she can't be called miss america um impulsive or self-damaging behaviors excessive spending unsafe sex substance abuse reckless driving binge eating kenya i'm sure she probably does something else yeah most of them and then porsche does the rest of them yeah just to be supportive uh suicide well right now how many do we have for Kenya? Do we have like three or four? I think she's got all of them, right? Well, the last two have not been firm.

But number five, suicidal behavior or self-injury. I don't think she is. But maybe like next season. Suicidal? No. She loves herself too much to kill herself. Well, I wouldn't be surprised if next season she comes out with like, my biggest secret is that I'm self-injured. I'm sure. So anyway, number six, varied or random mood swings. surprised if next season she comes out with like my biggest secret is that i'm self-insured so

anyway uh number six varied or random mood swings so you're gonna tell us you're incompetent at killing yourself too great great congratulations you want a fucking hug you suck so this is try harder the next the next few are definitely kenya so um varied or random mood swings uh constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights. And then finally stress related paranoia or loss of contact with reality. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.

So great. I know we've diagnosed her. Congratulations. Congratulations. You're dismissed. Young lady, the watch for crap and Institute for Mental Health is diagnosed with having borderline personality disorder. I have to stop looking at that stuff because I really do diagnose myself every time I'm on there. I'm like, you can't.

You can't. Like, those things are not. I mean, I'm as medicated as you can be. Like, how many medications can you take? Yeah. That's it. I'm not paying $100 an hour to talk about my bullshit to some loser with a degree. Get out of here.

Get out of here. I'll date for that. So anyway, so they have this big fight. So eventually Kim goes back to the room and she's just venting to her husband. I have to say this first because look at this. I'm Kim Fields. Kenya, she says, you just want to be in the room or something. And Kenya said, I am the room. And I thought, yes, you just want to be in the room or something. And Kenny said, I am the room.

And I thought, yes, you are. Because the room is this terrible movie. And there's always billboards of it all over LA. It's the worst movie. It's the worst. And they always have. Yeah, it's like a cult favorite because it's so terrible. And they have all these screenings of it you can go see.

And it's by Chloe Productions. Wazao Films. Tommy Wazao. How do you pronounce that name it's something was okay so this guy's like an older guy now and he drives around my neighborhood in this junky car with his name on it and then he like stops and stuff yeah if you've never seen the room if you've never seen the room get some people together with some wine you have to have some wine or something yeah it's terrible it's made for like five dollars and this is totally a kenya more production

so when she said i am the room i was like yes also the other room was about a mother or the new room is about like a mother just you know in a room the whole time with her kid and then that made me sad i was like no i'll think about the other room we'll think about the other room i am the room people are in me so um so now so kim is now um venting to chris and she is going off and you know it was sort of funny she's like she's getting so mad and whatever she's venting and my favorite part is at one point she gets so mad she's like you know what i'm like deuces and then she covers her mouth she's like like she can't believe she said deuces i'm like what's wrong with saying deuces is that you quote unquote like

hood or something i don't know doesn't deuces well deuces means poop right maybe that's what she means that too maybe she was like oh my god double meaning sebastian might repeat this and think i'm saying shit stupid but i loved watching her go off because this whole time i've been waiting for her to become that diva bitch we all know she is is. And this scene she really did, and it was so funny. And she had a right to go off, by the way. I would be fuming too. You know, you're on a housewife show. You need to do that shit to the women.

You need to punch Kenya in the face with that shit. Kenya was literally following her down the stairs like, Oh, great job! Like, Kenya has all this preplanned shit her gay gives her to do. It doesn't even make any sense. And 2D's like like you stay calm young lady and then goes and starts yelling at the husband i don't want to watch you yelling at your gay husband well he's well he eventually you know he becomes a huge queen too i love it i don't think

he's a queen at all by the way i do really totally yes i don't get that she's his fat friend i don't get that vibe at all but anyway um How do you become discredited? And she goes, exactly. I'm Kim Fields. I've already been discredited. You can't discredit me. She has been trying to come to the table that I'm at, that I worked at for years. She doesn't get to come to this table.

I'm at this table. You're at the children's table, literally. I love moms and they're like table threats yeah you are not coming to this table oh you go tootie yeah i'm a brand okay this look i know you would love that tootie has not been a cup fitness yet this season i told you she would be yeah and sure enough she did the one thing that makes you a cop fitness forever in my life. And she said, I'm a brand. Go fuck yourself, lady. You are not a brand.

You're a lady who was on a couple of sitcoms. Shut the fuck up. I'm not buying Kim Chudi Fields anything. Be quiet. She's not a brand. I mean, you're still better than Kenya. I'm on your side. Yeah.

I've been on team Kim all this time, but you're not a brand. And then my husband, you are infected. They baited you like the bait bus like one of those straight boys who got on the bus and then suddenly you're giving a blowjob for 20 and she's like wait honey what and then he goes it's not a prison yard she's butthurt like in prison i'm starting to pick up on what they're talking about with this guy so meanwhile so meanwhile no we have to say i'm so sorry now he gets so mad he goes i can't square off against one of these huge mutants they found on the street oh no now look i know that you're on the privacy of your own room and everything

but you know you have to sit through like 19 hours of shooting a reunion right yeah they're gonna show that every bitch in there on your poor little gay ass. Have fun. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck with that. They're going to come for you for saying that. So I don't remember the sequence of events, but wasn't next when Cynthia and Peter go to say hi to Nini and Greg. Yes. And Peter's wearing a shirt.

The shirt made of peaches. I'm like, if this is Peter's Jamaica, then please let's get on a flight anywhere else in the world. Let's get out of here. These are the shirts. It makes me pine for the Jamaican jersey over the gingham. It makes me pine for a good old Tommy Bahama shirt. I know.

What happened to the days of simple, like, pom frans? Why do we have to have giant peaches? Did Dockers kill himself? What the hell is wrong with you? Is this the taste level we're supposed to expect from Bar One? And it's sister of bar one up in charlotte overspend your jc penny card boy peach shirt is this was this on sale at fias what is that you know f-a-l-l-a-s no it's like the really cheap store where it's like

all over la it's like it's like the cheap, cheap, cheap. They sell peach shirts? They probably do. It's where you get like very basic clothing. It's like cheap, basic clothing. Basic batch. Yeah. You're not calling me basic while you watch me.

He's like, no, love it. It's for basic clothes. Fallas Paredes. Fallas Paredes. Oh, where is it? I'm going. I'm out of the house. It's everywhere.

There's one on La Cienega. They're everywhere. Oh, there's one in Los Feliz next to John's. Oh, no. That's too far. Yeah. The one on La Cienega is down there, down by the Target. Oh, down by the Baldwin Hills Target?

That was my original Target I used to go to. No, the closer one would be Los Feliz. To travel for days just to go to the Target, darling. Fias Paredes. And then when I was driving back from Big Bear this weekend, I passed a Fias Paredes outlet, and I was like, how does this get cheaper? Marked down from like $5 to $1.

$1. $1. I hate those outlets. They never have normal sizes. They're always XXXXXL or petite. Yeah. Neither. Anyway, so then, so Kenya, I'm sorry. So Cynthia, basically justynthia and you're just

gossiping they're like hey let's surprise everyone at dinner let's not tell anyone that you're going to be there great okay i like that when they leave greg waves by and then when the door closes it turns into a shoe he's like get out of it you know he's like wave it off uh and then we go to kenya and her pay for not gay okay this guy oh my god he's so hot is he is this where he's feeding her a grape and a banana yes jesus if you're trying that hard to convince me that your boyfriend is not gay he's feeding you a giant testicle and then a banana shut up queens both of you just kenya some pussy. What is so scary about it? Everyone already hates you.

It's not like people love you and now they're going to hate you. They'll still just hate you the same. I mean, now at least you'll have a victim card to play. Get out there and get some pussy. Yeah. Leave that gay man alone. He works out so hard. He doesn't need to be trying to pretend.

I think if you're going to have a beard, I mean, well, if she's going to. It's a giant beard. It's a great beard. It's a great beard to have. Do you know how much people like that poop? It's not worth it. A lot. It's a lot of poop.

So then they go to this big group dinner, right? The big group dinner. I'm just reading my novel of notes. I'm like, fascinating. Fascinating outfit. What the hell, Ronnie? So they go to dinner and everyone's there so uh cynthia and uh peter of course late at their own dinner of course but they're just

sitting around kind of bored waiting for something to happen and then they bring in after you know kenya yeah kenya is like um is this when she starts talking about, oh wait, they're talking about the commercial and Kenya's, I like when Kenya's like, I would rather gouge my eyes out with a spoon than talk about this any longer. And Phaedra's like, anybody have a spoon? Sebastian, please reach into your backpack and get me that little plastic spoon that I know you always carry around. Yeah. So they bring Nini in. Is a bird it's a this is one of those phadra things that i like when phadra makes no sense is it a bird is it a plane no it's nini what does that mean yeah it actually technically doesn't call me a superman yeah

yeah that's terrible terrible so anyway this is i wrote way too much that's why i'm like sitting here reading too much too much um but basically n I'm like sitting here reading. Too much, too much. But basically, Nini comes back and she's like on this nice, this nice thing where she's pretending like, oh, we just all fell apart. You know, I mean, I'm sorry we don't call each other anymore, guys. You know, friends grow apart. I'm like, yeah, when you take a hammer to their head. Nini's being nice. And admittedly, I fall for it because when Nini is nice, she's like hilarious and amazing. That's why we all loved her in the first place. I'm like, oh, Nini, even though I always hate you now, I'm like, oh, Nini's being nice, and admittedly I fall for it because when Nini's nice, she's hilarious and amazing. That's why we all loved her in the first place.

I'm like, oh, Nini, even though I always hate you now, I'm like, oh, Nini. But I won't last because she's going to become a raging bitch again because she always starts the season being super friendly. You can tell that girl's on a guest contract right now. She's going to just be funny, and then she's going to get some money, and she's going to be like, your husband's gay. I can't wait so i mean he is actually in total pot stirring mode because she has nothing you know since she's just a guest star she's just like whatever i'm gonna come in she's like tell me all the gossip and i'm gonna go like stir it up etc etc but she doesn't even have to do anything because kenya's

like blatantly throwing forks at 2d's head like she's not being subtle at all she's like pay her no mind yeah she's an idiot oh nice commercial it's gonna be terrible you know the whole time just throwing things at her and 2d's just trying to stay calm and concentrate on her fruit cocktail or whatever oh i'm trying to skip to where this is well so then kenya and matt leave right they they leave the dinner yeah and she actually can this is why you know that Kenya's really crazy, because she's telling the gay boyfriend, she's just trying to antagonize me every time I sit down. She's trying to turn everybody against me. You haven't stopped throwing things at her the whole time.

See, total borderline personality disorder. She's just a cunt, okay? Like, sometimes there's not psychosis. Sometimes they're just to cut fitness. Like, sometimes a C-word is just a c-word You can call that shit bipolar all you want A pill ain't gonna fix it It won't, not with Kenya

How do you fix a problem like Kenya Moore? How do you solve a problem like Get out, that's how you do it Burn down the nunnery, kill them all They've all been infected Kenya Moore's like, you don't solve a problem like me I am the problem. Oh, wait.

Have you seen her IMDb? Oh, no. Have you seen her reel? This isn't even the scene, but I was still laughing at this because she's fighting about duty. She's like, have you even seen her reel? You have a YouTube commercial. Please shut up.

Yeah. So anyway, the crux of the scene, the thing that was most important is that once Kenya was gone, then the girls were like, oh, because I guess Cynthia stepped out for a second, right? She was away from the table. And they were telling Nini, oh, yeah, like Cynthia and Kenya are like BFFs now. They're total BFFs. Right? And they were like, that's not, no, they're not BFFs. No, they're not. And then Shira was like, they're BFFs now. They're total BFFs. And he's like, no, they're not. And the insurer's like,

they're BFFs. They're BFFs. They're BFFs now. They're BFFs now. It's like taking a vote. They're like, no, Nini, you're crazy. You haven't been here. They're BFFs now. And so then Cindy sits down

and he's like, are bff with are you bff with kenya and cynthia's like well you know we're just still getting to know each other it's like she's gonna get it whoa that was cynthia's gonna get it shit well she gave kenya a reason to cry at the reunion oh my god how is it only like episode 13 and I'm already so sad about the reunion? I don't even want to watch that shit. I'm so mortified that I'm going to have to listen to this woman pretend to cry for three hours. Yeah. No, it was such bullshit.

It's like I forget who said it. Maybe Kenya said it or one of the girls said it's like it's been four years. You know her, you know. I mean, he said, well, we were just divorced. She was just waiting to come crawling back to me like Greg. And she's right, because now Cynthia's like, well. By Kenya, and so then Kenya and Cynthia have a conversation at the end of the episode in the hotel room and Kenya's like, I was actually really hurt when you said that. And this is a case where Kenya was actually right.

And Kenya's like, you know, all of a sudden you're acting like we're just like sort of friends or whatever and cindy's like you're done talking like oh god i hate when that side of cynthia comes out when she tries to be sassy am i done she's so hurt uh two general notes i have to say about this episode before it's done kenya and her gay laugh exactly the same. She goes, and he goes, the second is I'd like to thank real housewives for casting the queeniest husbands ever. Cause the men on this show become housewives. Every one of them,

Greg will fight a fight. Chris will fight a fight. And now we've got Chris. Chris said something at the table. I don't remember what he said at the table, but he was being funny though. I thought, yeah,

he's like, she's a beast. I don't even know what he said. Oh, they said, should we chase Kenya? She left the table, but he was being funny, though, I thought. Yeah, he's like, she's a beast. I don't even know what he said. Oh, they said, should we chase Kenya? She left the table. And he said, well, she's going to gouge her eyes out and start herself on fire. It's probably best that she did it away from the table. And then Nini snaps and she's like, you go, girl.

You know, here's the thing, though. I don't understand why him saying that is, like, gay. I think he's just gay in general. I just thought it was funny it's the first comment that we've heard about it but yeah i don't think anyone's like meeting him being like oh he's gay i think it's a whole i think it's a whole pattern ben i don't know i i think it's a situation where i mean i we'll have to see next week because next week is when the gay stuff comes up he does look like he's given a lot of blowjobs like his eyes are very far apart and that means like i don't know like you're always

up close on something and your eyes just start moving away from each other so you can see who's coming out the bushes you know i don't yeah well then i mean it's not like not like all the women in the world have eyes like fish but um i don't know i honestly i think a lot of blowjob i honestly don't get that gay feeling i will have to like hold off on this until next week when when the gay stuff really comes out because i wouldn't be surprised if kenya just hurls that out there the way she sort of suggested that apollo had aids because she's like you know kim's on the shit list so she's going to just go below the belt and um i kind of feel like i mean he's the same she's the other one he's kind of suggesting she well but the thing is that like

you know it's very these are people who are very much like when there's smoke there's fire like as soon as you suggest something like that then it's like okay now you're good like just like kenya can throw in an accusation out like that and then you know i'm still waiting for you guys to finish your conversation i've been in the guest room yeah poor mal smoking oh yeah everyone mal showed up okay guys i'll be in the bedroom waiting for you to finish fighting so that was uh that was atlanta for this week um why don't we go to uh why don't we have a palate cleanser with top chef before we go on to potomac um palette palette palette palette was so good this week my palette was delicious this week a soggy tuna fish gas station from a gas station

and a baby with my palette's ready ben so um for top chef top chef the quick fire i believe was that they had to um they had to do a girl uh what's it called a um a challenge where it was all about the way it looked. Oh, it was for Instagram. It was the Instagram challenge. Yeah. You know, the woman who won, I forget her name. She's the one I like. I like her in general.

But I don't think that hers should have won. I thought hers looked disgusting. Yeah. It was all these tacky colors, and that's what Instagram chose. I was very upset with that. It's very funny because it's such a Top Chef challenge. Nobody tastes anything. It's just like make it look good.

Okay. It has to be on camera. And she ended up winning that one. I think that's the most likes she'll ever get on the Facebook. That was a lot of likes people on there. It was a ton of likes. Food porn or whatever. Hold on.

I'm looking for my Top Chef notes. I have grease up. That is not what I need. I need Top Chef. Okay. Kwame. Oh my Top Chef notes. I have grease up. That is not what I need. I need Top Chef. Okay. Kwame. Oh, my God. Ten years ago.

That was really bad. Okay. We already did that. So, Kwame tells us he was a drug dealer before. Yeah. Kwame's life. What the hell is going on with Kwame's life? I don't know.

I can't tell what he's doing. The way he tells these stories, one minute, he's like this successful, intelligent kid. The next, his dad's terrible. The next, he's selling drugs. Then the next, he went to this great school. You know, he's getting a lot of backstory. I wonder if he's going to go, like, maybe he'll be a finalist. Because they've given him a ton of backstory.

Like, we're knowing a lot about what he's like. And he really doesn't have that much personality. Like, he's very, like, the male Mallory, I think, of this show. I don't know. I think he seems sweet. You know, his personality is that he has a crush on Padma. Well, he doesn't. I mean, she's a supermodel.

Wow. Good choice, buddy. Yeah. Good luck with that one. Why didn't Kwame, for his challenge last week, when he had to do Where He Was 10 years ago, he should have done something and been like, yeah, I was a drug dealer. So here I've made you cocaine. Or I don't know.

Yeah, he should have. He should have done something that looked like coke or something. He should have. Instead he was like, here's my terrible father. Here's my jerk of a father. Jerk. Yeah. Jerk, jerk, jerk.

Here's my broccoli. Jerk broccoli. Oh. My father was mean to me, so eat his favorite broccoli dish. Delicious. So they had to. I like how he said, if I could be a successful drug dealer, I figured I could do anything. Well, it worked for Jay-Z.

Wasn't Jay-Z, wasn't he a drug dealer back in the day i don't even know or they just yeah we're asking straight ben ben yeah he said yeah we don't need to google we've got ben over there yeah our resident straight straight uh what did he deal just weed or like was he hard hard oh really yeah jay-z drug dealer. Oh, that's probably why he's so moody. He probably started using that shit. Or maybe he has borderline personality disorder. Maybe. But if you listen to Beyonce songs, he doesn't sound very nice. Like, she complains about how mean he is and stuff in her songs.

And then she's like, and then I fucked him like a surfboard or whatever. Like, well, what is going on in that house, you guys? Don't you have separate wings by now? Jesus Christ. Pretty hurts. How can you be Beyonce and still get your feelings hurt like that? You're Beyonce, okay? going on in that house you guys don't you have separate wings by now jesus christ pretty hurts how can you be beyonce and still get your feelings hurt like that you're beyonce okay stomp his ass out stupid jay-z beyonce queen of everyone like that girl said on potomac and then followed it up with that like this is interesting um the other thing yeah look what

okay so let's see so the quick fire so do you have a lot of notes on no no not much i just wrote down little funny things like the chick i like marjorie who derrick described her what did he say he's like i also love a little garden gnome with you know no personality she looks like she looks like the cadbury bunny it's me i really like her she i love her sweet little cartoon character like kind of a beaver She looks like the Cadbury bunny to me. I really like her. I love her. She looks like a sweet little cartoon character, like kind of a beaver. Like I like her little teeth. And I like that she's all hunched over. Yeah.

And I liked it. She knew she was going to go on TV and didn't even try and go on a diet. I know. I'm like a huge fan. Honestly, her and – And she can make bread. That's not easy. That's very difficult.

No, her and Marjorie and the other girl who I like who won the challenge, whose name I'm blanking on. Remember, she's the one who made that wonderful apple gazpacho thing that I had like five servings of at the challenge. Yeah, I was like, you know that's applesauce, right? Delicious. It worked for me. I don't think there's applesauce in Jewish homes when you guys are children. I was like, yeah, it's applesauce. Oh, no, there are applesauce.

There are? Oh, yeah, because you guys have them as a side with the latkes. Latkes and applesauce. For a gal. And, you know, I make applesauce. Oh, yeah, because you guys have them as a side with the latkes. Latkes and applesauce. And you know I make applesauce in my pressure cooker now. It takes four minutes. I made pierogies the other day, and it was a disaster, and I should have made latkes. I should have thought of you. Should have made latkes.

The Ronnie Karam story. Should have made latkes. Soon to be available on the Amazon Kindle store. It'll be read by Marjorie from Top Chef. I'm pulling up her bio so I can remember their names. Marjorie, I think, is her name. I only learn their names if I start liking them. Karen is the one.

Oh, Karen. And I like that Karen and Marjorie are friends. And at the top of the episode, it's like, it's time. Marjorie's like, it's time, but there should be an all-girl alliance right now. I'm like, oh, no, that means one of them's going home. But I was wrong. Yeah, and they're starting to trick us because it used to be whoever was on the phone with their family and now they trick us on purpose you know yeah um but i was gonna say about marjorie um i really like that she said my mom was really health focused and we only got to eat really

healthy things and then they show they show her childhood picture and i'm like that is some 80s health focus right there that's like some pre-80s health focus what the hell health focus what are you talking about did she give you aspirin so your blood could thin enough not to have a heart attack when you were eight yeah jesus christ woman health focus get out of get out of here you said your line i've also said the C word today, damn it. All these promises I'm breaking to myself. It's what happens when we're at the Hollywood Improv. In the presence of Ben. And it's like saloon. You're brewing out in front of Ben.

That's what you're doing. You guys just decorated in here like a saloon, you know? A couple old slags in this. There's a random lamp without a light bulb that has its base is actually some sort of like lady from a different time. Just like home. No booze behind a bar. There's fake exposed brick,

but we know it's just the stuff you tape onto the wall. We've seen HGTV. We know how this works. We know those aren't real bricks. We'll tear them off. They're not real. Yeah, we know your fake bricks with your faux artwork over there. How dare you put fake bricks up

at the home of the famous brick wall the improv look at us cracking ourselves up at the improv i know i do like how they covered those office lights though that's very smart oh i do like that it's like you know those like uh plexiglass things that they have on office lights they have like stained glass it's actually a lovely space we should like. It's actually a lovely space. We should record up here. We should get like eight people up here and we can have a little audience. Oh, okay. I thought you meant to talk. Either way.

We don't talk to them. We should. You're at the other table. Can we have a smaller table for our audience, please? Yeah, we should totally get a little audience up here. We could totally do it. So, Top Chef. So, anyway, so, quick fire.

Philip plating challenge. Oh, yeah. He was, like, taking pictures, et cetera, et cetera. He took, like, ten minutes to take his stupid picture. Yeah. So, then, anyway, the main challenge. Let's go on to the main challenge. So, the main challenge was there's this event called beefsteak which i'd never heard

of and i want to go to very badly and it's basically like they have they set up these long tables and the tradition this started like years and years and years ago is that you show up dressed to the nines and then you go create you go medieval and like there's no forks and knives it's like big things of meat get put on the table and you eat it with your hands and you pull away it's communal and dirty and crazy it looked to me like a dream night like i want to get invited to beefsteak i was just thinking of morocco because when you eat in a moroccan restaurant yeah you just eat i mean i'll eat with my hands but i'm not eating with your hands like if you eat out of my thing with your get the i'm not No Get your hands out of my Couscous

I feel I trust You know like here's the thing I am such a hypochondriac But one of the areas Where I'm less of a hypochondriac Is things like that Because everyone is so concerned

I was So I was hanging out with someone this weekend Who He blew his He blew his nose And then he like put Like Purell on his hands Oh no

That's gonna create the super bug Exactly It's like it's so crazy People need a little bit of dirt I'm sorry I told my meemaw about that And then he like put like Purell on his hands. Oh, no. That's going to create the super bug. Exactly. It's like it's so crazy. People need a little bit of dirt. I'm sorry. I told my meemaw about that because she did the same thing. Like she always puts that stuff on, that hand sanitizer. And I told her that's going to create a super bug.

And she said, what's a super bug? That's stupid. I believe in putting hands. No, it's going to make the germs resistant. And then you're going to die because there's no medicine To fix the germs And she looked at me like terrified And I saw her like trying to make that choice Like am I going to give up hand sanitizer right now

Because this little faggot is telling And then she was like I don't believe you And then she just kept on wiping her hands Wipe that sin away me ma I mean I'll use it Maybe I'd use it like if I shook hands with a homeless person Man Just don't shake hands with homeless people.

Meaning something like that. Who shakes hands with homeless people? I don't know. You would, too. They'd be like, can I have a dollar? And you'd be like, yeah. No, but here's a firm handshake. I would use it in a situation if I just handled raw chicken.

No, wash your hands. I mean, I wash my hands. You're going to make super salmonella bug. Okay. Well, I would wash my hands, actually. The point is this. I don't mind. Not only would I not mind the communal hand-touching of the food at Beefsteak, if I got a cold from Padma, I would be totally bragging about it.

Like, oh my god, I have such a cold. I totally got it from Padma Lakshmi. I'd be totally name-dropping my cold. A Padma cold. They're breaking out with blisters all over your face my virus is silently judging me from the inside our favorite oregon the uh this padma by the way i was just looking what i had written about her nothing apparently but my favorite thing is that padma got shit-faced in this episode. She was like, what is this? Is this tuna steak?

She goes, what's a microgreen doing on here? A microgreen. And then she got it and threw it. Like just threw the lettuce all angrily. I love some Padma with emotions. It wasn't the lettuce. She threw like a lamb chop. They were like, we're done with this, right?

We're done. Yeah, but then she threw one of the bear's. Oh, yeah. She did that too. The evicted bear, whatever. The chopped bear. Whatever you call him. The one that got kicked off.

Chad was kicked off. And about time. I remember we did not like what he served us. And he's been sort of. He was the one who was like, for date night, like my ideal date is a night with my daughter. I'm like, get out of here. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm saying get out of here. It's addictive. We started talking about Jersey. That's in my head now. my daughter i'm like get out of here yeah yeah no i'm saying it's addictive and so we started talking about jersey that's in my head now get

out of here so the thing is this so chad the reason why he went home one of the reasons is he he was like okay i'm gonna make a big halibut because it's this flaky fish that you can just like pull off of he wanted to get like a full halibut so immediately i'm like this is called beefsteak it just doesn't seem like halibut. It just doesn't seem to match the tone of it. And so many thing of beef. What's so hard about it. And on top of that,

so many people went in these delicate places. Like it seems just crazy. Like I actually felt bad. I almost felt like this challenge deserved a do over because I was excited to see some big hearty dishes being served up. Like big things where people are like really like tearing off, like, like Moroccan style. Get some full, whole chickens and just get them lined up.

Big, whole roasted chickens or shit like that. Yeah, I want to see Padma gnawing on a big-ass bone like that. Yeah. Especially drunk. Or why not big turkey legs? I don't think they explained it right. Because when they first told them, they were like, yeah, people eat with their hands and and it's a lot of fun and then they showed a black and white picture of a bunch of people in suits eating at big tables i don't think people really understood it's you know it's rich

people being the heathens that they are you know it's like that tom cruise movie where he's all fancy but then he goes to that sex party and they're wearing masks and like raping each other yeah eyes wide yeah that's what rich people do you guys um eyes wide shut um they rape each other and then they don't eat with forks yeah well i actually was almost wishing that jason the uh the team gay who got who just got kicked off last week i almost wish he was there because i would love to see oh yellow pants yeah bland yellow pants i would have actually it would have been hilarious to see his take on like you know this like eat with your hands like decadent feast it probably would have been like here i served you up some salmon yeah i was gonna say like here's some lox with an onion on the side i made uh some cauliflower florets you just grab it off the cauliflower

no one really did anything exciting no it was kind of a huge fail now i'm starting to like because i'm starting to know who everybody is and now i can love or hate them based on who they are instead of their food because i can't taste that shit anyway so and now that they're like starting to show themselves i'm picking favorites i love mar love Marjorie. Well, I've always liked her. Part of it is fat pride. The other part of it is bad posture pride. And she's good. And the other part is it's the best who makes bread. She can bake and she can make bread.

That's very rare. They said that she's the best baker they've ever had. I tried learning baking. It was rough. I like Isaac. But I was surprised that he— Which one's Isaac? He's the New Orleans one.

Oh, yeah. I hate him. He fell short on it. I was surprised. Not hate, but's Isaac? He's the New Orleans one. Oh, yeah. I hate him. He fell short on... I was surprised. Not hate, but... Why didn't anyone just make, like, just racks of ribs? Like, I mean, I just don't understand where... He should know.

What? I mean, the guy's brought up Katrina 20 times. Well, I thought sausage... If anyone knows how to eat with their fucking hands, like, eat a big old steak, share it with the family with your hands. It's somebody who's been through Katrina, you know? Well, it would have... I thought that sausage would have been a good one. but i think i was i was and it was bland and

this is why i don't like him because he said well i made you a big sausage and she's like yeah but it was a terrible bland sausage and he goes well i stand by my sausage my customers like it my restaurant loves it like you just got called terrible on tv don't advertise your sausage now yeah it's like just pretend it was your first time and you've never done exactly what are you dumb Like, you just got called terrible on TV. Don't advertise your sausage now. It's like, just pretend it was your first time and you've never done it before. What are you, dumb? So, Philip did well. He did something, right, I don't remember what it was, but he did something that everyone liked.

I don't, that guy's so terrible. And, like, blink, blink. He has that, like, coke head eye of, like, blink, blink, but he never shares his coke. Look, I don't mind a coke head, but you better share that shit if you're going to be doing coke around me. Really, anywhere else. I mean, if you have gum, share it. Yeah. Fill up.

Fill up. Also, with the beard guy who got kicked off, who goes on dates with his daughter, which is really creepy. Why do women always have to put their hair back in the kitchen, but fat dudes can walk around with beards down to their tits? Thank you. What the hell? That's gross. It's ridiculous. I'm glad he got kicked off. Yeah, me too. You've been eliminated for grooming, Chad. Now, please pack

your knives and trade them in for a razor blade. Yeah, he made like little tuna, like little like little ashy tuna tuna steaks. It's just like with micro greens. Padma throwing a bone and then a micro green and then like cursing out the micro green was my favorite. And was Gale there?

What do I feel like? And why was Tom Hanks' son there? And why don't I like him? Yeah, Tom Hanks' son was there. And so it was like Sharon Lawrence randomly at like a corner table. She was? Yeah. Sharon Lawrence was there.

I was like, why is she? Was that Cagney or Lacey? No, she was from NYPD. Sharon Lawrence. Is that her name? Sharon Lawrence? I don she was from NYPD. Is that her name, Sharon Lawrence? I don't care. Sharon Lawrence.

But Tom Hanks' son bothers me, and I don't know why. I really like Tom Hanks, but he's so earnest. And now this is, oh, yeah, her. I didn't see her. But the son is, like, also weirdly earnest, so it makes me not believe it. I'm like, oh, it's some put-on earnestness. You try and talk to a baseball or a basketball for a whole movie you little brat you couldn't even make it through fargo make me like it was a

volleyball wilson is a volleyball how dare you oh whatever let's talk more baseball while we're here um so uh why don't we move on to potomac and then also why don't we take a break so i can move my car can we do that oh do we need to move our cars it's too i have to move my car okay so why don't we take a break so I can move my car? Can we do that? Oh, do we need to move our cars? I have to move my car. Okay. So why don't we do that? Is that cool, Ben? So let's take a... Okay, one thing.

Will that clock stay at the same time? Yeah. Well, this will be the last show anyway, so it won't matter. I'll be back in like five minutes. I'm going to pee, smoke. So we're going to move on to Potomac. But first, big breaking news. Ronnie and I just touched the wall here in the room.

The brick is real. Yeah, you guys. We brick shamed real brick. Yeah. It just goes to show, sometimes you shouldn't speak out of your ass because you may offend a real brick. Can I ask you a question? Yeah. This has nothing to do with anything.

Have you seen The Hateful Eight, Quentin Tarantino's Hateful Eight? I have not. So good. I just saw it. Okay. When did Jennifer Jason Leigh turn into Ally Sheedy from The Breakfast Club? They look exactly the same. They've always been similar.

I guess now she's the age that Ally Sheedy probably was when she was playing a high schooler in the breakfast club oh it's a good week of watching 40 year olds pretend they're in high school i love the resurrection of jennifer jason lee she you know she she sort of surfaced for a second on revenge and then she was on revenge yeah no way she played emily's mother which was it was it was a real waste of Jennifer Jason Leigh. Oh, wait. I actually saw that, but her face wasn't moving, and she was really weird looking. It was a terrible issue for her.

And then she's normal again. But now she's in Hateful Eight, and she's something else, and now it's like people talk. Can you unlift your face? Like, her face looks normal now. It probably just settled in. Or maybe it was Botox, a Botox issue. Oh, yeah. Maybe they filled her up or something.

So anyway, on Potomac. Speaking of the Hateful Eight. Yeah. or maybe it was botox a botox issue oh yeah maybe they fill it her up or something so anyway i'm potomac uh speaking of the hateful yeah so uh you know what i like the very first shot was was like a shot of a fawn i'm like the fawns on this show are getting so much attention like every episode there's like three or four shots of deers and deer and fawn you know they're always terrified yeah they are getting a lot of play this show opens with terrified animals every single this show out of all the fake ass housewives shows and maybe it's because this one's so new and they haven't had time to warm up yet but this is the fakest out of all i mean these women are they are trying so hard this opening giselle's testing out a lamborghini of course bitch ain't gonna buy it

you're never gonna see her driving around in that gurney shovel white stove and you have a mid-sized home yeah you have a craigslist sectional get the fuck out of here with your test driver from there i love you even get in that thing i love karen shopping for art she's like talking to credit card check karen was like talking to this woman at the gallery and she's like hmm not sure where this will go in the house. I was thinking the foyer, but there's another great room that this could go into. I'm like, bitch, I don't think she cares. Put it wherever.

Just buy it. She doesn't care which room it goes into. She's not like, oh, I wonder where Karen's going to put this painting. Also, learn what different parts of a house are before you just start calling them the wrong things just to pretend like you have multiple parts in your house. She's like putting speaker phones in each. She's like right by the front door honey i'm in the kitchen it's an open concept home bitch he can hear you oh they're crazy so she's pretending she knows what art is she's like i'm not sure if this concept is correct for the you need to just stop okay you're looking at the tag that's not the painting and then another idiot they show sharice some wine tasting and reading whetstone and she's like what does a whetstone taste like

i don't know if i like whetstone i'm more of a pebble girl myself every single opening in the intercut opening was these phony bitches trying to convince everybody that they're rich except robin she's just trying to convince you she works out she's sitting on a workout machine just sitting there watching her kids work out um you can't lift this thing with my leg it's really hard that was a good workout um so then uh so then uh katie meets with uh washington life or washingtonian whatever she meets with the editor there and she's like really trying to raise awareness for the Ross Institute because the Ross Institute gives money to charities, blah, blah, blah.

What kind of charity is this? They raise money and then give that money to other charities? Bitch, that is the laziest charity I've ever heard of in my life. It's like pick a needy person. It's a meta-charity. That's called a tax shelter. Who do you think you're kidding? A charity giving. And then I give that money directly to, you know, people missing legs, you know, children born without an eye.

Like, no. You know, socialites who have three kids. Tax shelter. So we learned that Katie's dad was her mom's professor, which seems a little scandalous. And then the thing that Katie's really excited because they're going to do like a 10-year. And also bootlegging. Yeah. Bootlegging professor.

Yeah. So then basically Katie was on the cover of this magazine 10 years ago. And now they're going to do like 10 years later. Where's Katie at? And she's really excited because she's going to mention in her profile that she's dating Andrew. And she's like, Andrew is known in her profile that she's dating Andrew. And she's like, Andrew is known in this area as a very eligible bachelor. But now everyone's going to know that he's with me. I'm like, I don't think there's like a line of ladies waiting to like, like maybe there's like that fawn being like, oh, okay.

Terrified that Andrew's coming to hide behind him to get a blowjob from some queen. Yeah. This interview is fascinating. First of all, Washingtonian or whatever the fuck you're called, it's like the publisher of the Washingtonian. Why are you taking the interview? Are you the only person who works there? I know.

And he's like, well, you're beautiful and you have everything except a man. Oh, shut up. I know, shut up. I hate that. Stop single-shaming the bitch. Yeah, shut up. I know, shut up. I hate that. Stop single-shaming the bitch. Don't, yeah, no wonder why she's so crazy going after Andrew. Because everyone's like, so where's your husband? She asked 20 times to film Mary in this episode.

It's so sad. So then Karen and Giselle meet at a coffee shop to sort of. They're both wearing Old Navy camo. Yeah, wearing camo. The show kills me. And they're trying to squash their beef since last time was kind of did not really work this made no sense she takes to these two old bags to lunch says she's sorry they both basically basically i'm talking like terese she's not even in there

they both spit in her face walk out calling her trash and then she's like well i felt bad about how lunch went you just did it wrong you should never do a three-way lunch that's not how we do it in potomac you have to do it one-on-one like this we can talk i'm like yeah and you don't have to pretend you hate her because the other bitch did in potomac you have to earn a three-top the women in potomac have learned a three they've earned a three-way lunch you you don't just walk into a two-way lunch. You have to earn a three-way lunch. There's a longer wait for a table of three.

You have not earned your way to the front of the line at Chili's. So they're basically like, you know, I am a grown woman and you are a grown woman. And, you know, we should just move. I'm over it. Yeah, just like, I'm over it, whatever. So they just squash their beef. You both done butches. I'll just stick with that.

It's nice. How many times can I say bitch in five minutes? This show kills me. So then. You're a grown woman. Wait, I have to say. Rule number 17 in Potomac. Every scene Karen's in, this is how we do it in Potomac.

This is how we do it in Potomac. No one cares, okay? I know. Ground yourself. Yeah, exactly. I think actually there's only one rule for Potomac, I imagine, and one rule for Potomac is don't give rules out for Potomac. There are no rules for Potomac.

You need to print that out and frame it sideways in a terrible cheap frame and give that to her for her birthday. So then. I love this part. So this is the interracial couples dinner. Yeah. Interracial summit. So Ashley and her old Australian man. I don't drink wine.

I drink whiskey and tequila. Okay. I'm more of a brown liquor kind of girl. And old man nuts. Yeah. And so they meet with Katie and Andrew and Ash is like talking about, she's like, well, yeah, I, I met, I met, I met my guy because I was working at, she's a bartender at, at his, as his place.

And I was like watching him on the security camera. I watched him in his office, the security camera. I was sort of like stalking him and they're like, ha ha ha. She's talking to me. I was like, yeah, no, that's crazy. That is crazy. How old is she now she's really young right she's really young and clearly way too influenced by sliver what kind of bartender has a camera that looks into the manager's office what exactly kind of restaurant is this that's creepy it's super creepy how are the how's the

manager supposed to catch her ass stealing if she's the one with the bar? That's stupid. It's like the wrong way. It's like hand a criminal a camera to go into a convenience store with. I know. I don't really like to steal things. I pretty much only steal brown liquor because I like brown liquor. That's my favorite. I wouldn't steal wine, so.

I wouldn't steal wine because that would be very thottish of me, and, you know, I hate being called a thot. Giselle called me a thot. So what was funny to me about this scene was that then Andrew got totally catty. Believe it or not, I'm actually feeling like Andrew is less gay. After he queened out in this episode? Oddly enough, I just feel like he, like, I don't know. It's weird. Because that first episode, he was really gay.

But I don't know. Maybe my gaydar is broken. He's even gayer now. He came out with it. First of all, today for Straight Ben, we don't think every guy's gay. We happen to be watching Sunday nights on Atlanta and Potomac where I don't think you're allowed to be gay. Everyone's husband's gay, right? There's a lot of gay husbands on these shows.

There's a lot of gayness, yeah. Yeah, we don't normally try to say that. We don't think you're gay. Yeah, we don't think you're gay. Love your eagle. The black eagle hat is very convincing. Look, I can have hope and not think you're gay. But you're sitting in front of a lamp. Ben sitting in front of the lamp with no bulb in it and you don't even care you're obviously straight just stay over there man he's he's nodding politely and making noises that but he doesn't really know what to do with himself you have to pay attention

get back on your tetris get back on your stick tinder tetris tinder tetris candy crush um i'm purposely not looking at ben at all in this thing so you can look at you can Get back on your stick, Tetris. Tinder Tetris. Tinder Tetris. Candy Crush. I'm purposely not looking at Ben at all in this thing. You can look at me, gay Ben. So anyway, so Andrew just starts going in on Karen. He's like,

she's the older, more haggard, and he's more stuck up than the other women. And he goes, imagine Giselle in Perform Enhancing Bad Drugs. Yikes. Wow. I was like,

wow, he's a shit bitch. And then he said, we should hang out more often, because Katie was saying, it's so nice to meet another interracial couple. We don't know anybody. Oh, Ashley was saying that. Who? Wasn't Ashley saying that? Katie.

Oh, Katie was. I think Katie. Ashley was like, yeah, we don't need her. It's really hard to meet somebody who's married to someone who's 40 years older than you, too. It's good good you know they decide they're gonna go out and andrew's like yeah because we don't you know we stay up past 8 p.m and we don't just sit around watching the golden girls i'm like bitch please you've already seen every episode and you know your ass is watching the 3 p.m lifetime version of the

golden girls are you kidding and he's like I wonder which housewife would fit into it. Which Golden Girl would fit into which housewife franchise? The fact that you even referenced the Golden Girls. It's true. Okay, I take it back. He's gay. So then we have a scene with Juan and the kids. Juan is Robin's husband.

Juan is both simultaneously cute and hot. And we don't think Juan is gay. Juan seems very straight. No, Juan is not gay. Juan is straight gay one is straight one is fun and one is straight one is looking for piss pussy even in his own house where he's not gonna get and he's like looking under the couch seeing if there's any pussy there yeah changing light bulbs see if there's any pussy up there that guy's like always sniffing it what's one's

last name do you remember ben do you know a basketball player named juan juan a former basketball player named one like there's only one yeah one one i forgot i used to be a big basketball fan but i don't remember one and then you forgot that basketball starred in that tom hanks movie how dare you so this is not sad really because i don't really like robin yet but she's like robin's fine we're're not really married, so it's going to be rough because we wake up together. First there was a financial crisis. Then the real estate market collapsed. Then the NBA check stopped coming in.

So we need money wherever we can get it. And now Juan's moving away. So I don't know. This is the biggest decision I've ever had to make. This is the way Robin talks. You can't see it, but she does this thing with her hand. She sort of fans her hand inward. She's like, well, first there was a crisis, and then we had to sell our house,

and then Dan and Yogurt started doing different packaging. When we found out they were lying about calories on the back of granola bars. It's been a really rough year yeah i can't even find a box of kudos bars anymore like where are they i only see like even i only see like thin bars but i want to kudos even after one got fired no one would talk to him anymore when we were poor i still wanted to give him kudos but i couldn't i couldn't i used to like the kudos that came in the green and white box those are my favorite i can't find them anymore though he's like why are you even trying on your wedding dress that stupid

loser it's like well i thought it would be fun poor robin's whole story is about shit that's over now yeah first scene was trying on a wedding dress then she's living with this husband who left her house and it won't leave the house and now she's talking about her divorce and the wedding dress like girl i know and like one is one seems so sweet the way he's like you know like getting the kids ready and stuff and they had this whole backstory about how basically his parents died like i don't know if they both died i got the impression that they both died actually of aids they were like in drugs in and out of jail she said they died of aids and then uh that like

robin's parents took one in and taught him manners and all this stuff i was like i love one and robin i'm such i love wobbin wobbin wobbin's their couple name i want wobbin to get back together well he's just gonna keep cheating i mean i think that's why they're still divorced yeah so i guess her parents missed some manners i think my read is the right fork but he still gets pussy if he can i i think my read is all off today i like when he said i remember that wedding dress because i remember i was sobbing at the wedding and then they show him really crying yeah you know you gotta like a guy who will cry also well not really in real life i hate them but on tv it's nice to see yeah and then um also he's like i remember that wedding dress because

i remember you going straight up to the room and falling asleep on top of me in your wedding dress yeah and she's like that's why we got divorced no it's because he was playing find the pussy all over town that's why he got divorced so trying to make it your own fault exactly meanwhile um karen's daughter raven is going to prom it's nice nice scene my favorite part about the scene was that um karen's husband ray was sitting there taking pictures the entire time ray is actually like adorable he's like this adorable dorky dad and he has his camera and i kind of liked that unlike the other real housewife franchise like a tin type machine well you know that like you know that like on the other Real Housewives franchise. It's not like a tin-type machine. Well, you know that on the Beverly Hills episode when one of Kyle's daughters goes to prom, there's going to be a fat burger truck, and there's going to be 12 kids, and everyone's

going to get a free Mercedes. Like, oh, we're so proud of you for going to prom. Here's a Mercedes. And it's going to be so over the top, and the kids are going to be obnoxious and bratty, and it'll be so excessive. So I thought it was actually kind of refreshing to see that the daughter comes down and the date's there and they're just taking pictures and they're proud and they go off i actually thought it was like a really refreshing moment i thought this

was the most obnoxious goddamn scene karen starts it off and you guys potomac it's a big mom town oh yeah well well congratulations i'm not talking about her Potomac well I mean her now the rest of the world hasn't caught on to that yet well I mean her narration is always mom town well whenever she says things like that it's always obnoxious but although I actually like love Karen I think she's hilarious but I'm just talking about the actual like the daughter and that girl's eyebrows are down to her frown lines now they keep someone pointed it out last week and yeah no it goes all the way down like this yeah and they keep getting lower and now it's like what are you doing you're circling your whole face it's full-on um faye dunaway in full on i'm gulbe gulbe i put also her forehead looks like she's wearing a hair headband now for look, I get getting wigs and weaves, of course.

But if you're going to get facelifted, you guys don't get your head pulled all the way back into the middle of your head. Her head goes so far back. I'm like, that is the longest hair headband I've ever seen. Where did you get that? I want one. What if I start walking around with like a hair headband that starts right here? I like to get back to what you're saying like karen when she's like this is a mom town and like once their kids go off to college the moms sort of fade out but not me not me i'm

like karen really has this thing about being like not me i won't be forgotten uh people don't people don't mess with me i'm like you're in potomac you're in like the suburbs like who's coming for you you're not in the hateful hate who are you like what's coming for your weird swimsuit you know fucking toothpaste dress trying to hold in a turkey like relax cut it out lady oh and she also said in potomac interracial dating is normal we only judge the color of your amex card here thanks for thanks for pointing that out lady yeah robin at the consignment store here we go robin's old dress again hey mom here we are selling the dress remember how pretty the wedding was yeah i'm ready for the i'm ready for the dress story to end like i'm sure like next week you'll be like guess what

someone bought the dress and now i kind of want to park oh my god so now uh similarly we have karen and sharice. They go shopping. Finally, Juan will have sex with me because my wedding dress smells like someone else's posino. Was this when they were shopping for bathing suits? Yes. What a weird scene. So I'm thinking this must be like Cheshire where they just won't be. No one will allow them to shoot anywhere.

So they're shooting in random places. They're like, all right, here's behind the swing set. Yeah. Last week, we didn't even point out that a big fight happened right in front of an air conditioning unit in the backyard what the hell with this show now they're shopping with big old starbucks cups which they're usually not allowed to use on this show so somebody get on that some lawyer get on that okay and um it's karen and sharice talking about this stupid fake fight um and then the young girls show up to try on bikinis in front of the old ladies. What the hell? What was this?

By the way, I want to add that since I have a picture of Sharon Lawrence up on my computer, it says that she was born in Charlotte, North Carolina. I can't believe I was such a dumbass to be like, yeah, Charlotte's in South Carolina. I'm terrified of her. This is what happens. My brain has rotted by watching all these stupid shows. I can't even remember was such a dumbass to be like, yeah, Charlotte's in South Carolina. I'm terrified of her. I'm just, this is what happens. My brain has rotted by watching all these stupid shows. I can't even remember where Charlotte is anymore. Terrifying. Of course, it's part of the research triangle, isn't it?

No, it's not. You know what? I'm going to stop talking about cities in North Carolina because I'm making myself look like an asshole. I'm like Isaac Mizrahi when he thought that, like, Mercury was a star. I can't. The more I talk the more i talk about okay the research triangle is isn't that that's durham chapel hill no you're talking to someone who doesn't care i barely remember things i care about i'm just like i'm descending i'm descending into madness um um so yeah they're watching the young girls try on bathing suits and being snotty.

I mean, really. Ashley likes her, though, because Ashley likes Karen because she's like a mother figure. Yeah. Ashley is literally a child. She's like a little toddler with a little elven face. Yeah. She really was like a like an elven Robin Givens face. And she's like, she's like, I really like Karen.

She's you know, she's really nice to me. You know, I know there's like an age difference, you know, like she's about 75 years old and I'm like 26 years old. So I know there's a big age difference between us, but I really like Karen. She's, you know, she's really nice to me, you know. I know there's like an age difference, you know, like she's about 75 years old and I'm like 26 years old. So I know there's a big age difference between us, but I really like her. She doesn't call me a thot. I'm going to be her one day when I finally just start eating everything I want to be after my husband leaves me and my kids are dead. So anyway, what I liked is at one point, Charisse is talking about Giselle. I think Karen and Charisse were talking about Giselle I think Karen and Charisse were talking about it And Charisse is still

Being so ridiculous about this whole situation I can't forgive her She turned my hospitality And turned it into chaos What does that even mean? Like turned your hospital You know what that would Turning hospitality into chaos is you invite someone over

And they slash your couches and paint on your walls Someone looking for a spoon in a drawer while you're upstairs is not chaos. To cook your dinner. That's not chaos. Okay? They're so stupid. It's not a chaos cram. So Ashley and Katie are both the two young women in this. And they're very funny because a lot of times on this show, I'm always making fun of these young women's,

these women's, these young women boning the old men for their money. And they do, you know, these, these two are no exception, but in this one, they ain't going to bone anybody,

but they're still using people for their money. And at least they're honest about it. They're like, she's like, well, they're kind of old, but you know, I need their money.

So I'm going to be here because I i have it here what's her charity it's like another charity that doesn't do tasting you know her she has another charity that is they raise money for a bunch of random charity there's some tax shit going on here this whole cast is going to be taking it for tax fraud soon mock my words i also i also uh enjoyed in the scene when karen decided to tell ashley she's she's like now just so you know in potomac we've all earned our spot here okay so for the ladies who's earned your fucking spots the ladies here who've been in potomac the longest get the closest parking spot to target okay you park down the aisle you have to earn your spot for young women in potomac it's not an awesome blossom it's just a blossom we've all earned the awesome in our blossom you all have

not done shit name one of you hasn't just married some rich dude you have to earn your spot in tj maxx and until then you're at marshall's you're Ross Dress for Less. So now Giselle's getting dressed for this whiskey tasting that Ashley's putting together. And this is when Giselle's doing that thing where she's like, I'm letting my daughters choose my outfit for me. Which, by the way, I feel like Giselle is starting to get codependent with her daughters. She's letting them have a little bit too much input into her life. She's the mother. They wrote her apology letters.

They're letting her choose her thing. Whenever there's a little bit too much of that, I get a little like, ooh, you are creating some codependency issues, aren't you? To me, it's the only way she's palatable. I know a lot of really intelligent people who are stuck with their parents, like, oh, taking care of their parents and blah, blah, blah. I mean, thank God I don't have to know my parents are way smarter than i am i i love giselle stuck giselle cracks me up i i've i you know she definitely like i don't like when she gets the claws out just because it's a pretty girl i don't like when women do that but for some reason when giselle does it i'm just like totally entertained she is i am favorite. I am entertained by her, but I hate her too. I think she's a little Karen.

She's a little mini Karen. She's trying to emulate Karen, who's one of the most awful people in the world. I'm in this weird situation. She says the same shit she does. She's like, what am I even doing here? I love it. I love that. Honestly, when Karen and Giselle were feuding, I didn't know what to do because I'm like, oh, these women both crack me up.

I love them both. And they're both in Old Navy camo on the same day. Exactly. One pretended to buy fine art and the other pretended to test drive a Lambo. She'll never be able to buy. Dumb, desperate, bats. So this is when Giselle's daughter was like, I'm Beyonce, queen of everyone. I'm Ellen DeGeneres.

Sad state. Why would, my last note on that scene, I'm sorry, I was just looking at you. You see, I can't have eye contact, I fall in it. But why is Karen suggesting surgery to the skinniest young bitches in the world? What a bitch. Oh, yeah, because Katie has no boobs. boobs so what and she's had three babies she's like a size zero and she still has a killer body she's gonna have boobs by the reunion i guarantee by the reunion she's gonna have some boobs oh yeah the housewives you know she's on tv she's gonna get a lot of shit about her like

flat chest which i think looks perfectly good um but she's totally going to have boobs. So anyway, so it's time for the whiskey tasting. And so what I love is it's basically like at some – actually, I think it might be a good restaurant or whatever. I think there was actually a – I think Laurie Ann Cummings posted something about Barrel. I think it was listed. I haven't double-checked. But the point is it was like at size,

it was like basically a bunch of frat guys or whatever. Everyone's in shorts and flip-flops. And Karen shows up totally dressed to the nines. And has to go into a back room where there are dusty barrels. And she was losing it. That was so funny. In Potomac, we don't have barrel. We have crate and barrel.

The classiest store in town. I can't believe she would invite us to a place like this. I didn't know the attire was flip-flops. Oh, Jesus. I didn't know the attire was flop sweat, you cow-titted bitch. I hate her. And she's like, these

chairs are heavier than... They're like pioneer chairs, okay? They're supposed to be heavy. These are heavier than life. I'm like, your tits are heavier than this entire table who you judging sit your ass down and have a drink i i love own i loved how they were all like uh struggling with the chairs like everyone came i was like oh this is a heavy chair such idiots but um uh i did i i mean karen was right like they because because ashy did sort of make it sound like it would be a nice thing and it was literally like they're all dressed up in this table in the center and everyone around

them's like in shorts and like tank tops yeah but that's how everybody in this town dresses they're like we're the charity event there's like five of the same flower dress like off the gail simmons clearance rack you know my come on my question is this is like the second time it's happened like like haven't these women heard of yelp like just go on yelp and look what the restaurant is then you'll know how to dress well they'd also find out what doctors are ruining karen's face and just avoid it like the plague um this place there this is fancy for katie she's running a place i mean granted she blew her away ashley she grew she blew her way into it but still, she's running a place, and she knows about all this whiskey. I mean, that's something.

More than those dumbasses know, especially stupid Charisse with her, what does a whetstone taste like? Well, I love Giselle. She's like, ooh, tastes like a dirty shoe. Ooh, it's like butt crack. It was like really—normally, I would be like, like, be rolling my eyes and being all snobby. But the fact that she's just so funny, like every time she says she's like, you know, tastes like cardboard, you know. But right after acting so fancy, because she came down and did the mini Karen where she's like, I can't believe we would be in a place like this. I'm all dressed up.

And then she's like, smells like butt crack. Yep. So when you're breeding there. Yeah. Well, you know, to be fair, I think, you know, sometimes with whiskey, you can say that. Man, that girl was wearing one of those humongous statement necklaces, but it was like a chain link. But it was like a gigantic chain link. Time for a pool party.

You know, that being said, that looked like a super fun whiskey tasting because they were just like doing shot after shot. They're just getting drunk. I was like loud. Poor Charisse. It must have been hot in there her hair had fallen apart she looked she literally looked like she was melting into the ground like all her makeup had come off her hair was like oh drag i mean like she's like a drag queen playing regina king until five in the morning like how many lines are there in the leftovers she looked she looked girl needs a rest she looked very like linda hamilton fighting for her son the

terminator like on the road in the dirt in the sand like she had been through it all i was just trying to get something i don't know but she but anyways i look it's hot in here so giselle giselle and sheree started to hash out how we do things in potomac i just had to point that out because karen says that again of course so then giselle and sheree start to hash it out. That's not how we do things in Potomac. I just had to point that out because Karen says that again. Of course. So then Giselle and Cherie start hashing it out. They don't really get anywhere at first. It's a stupid fake fight again. They're like, okay, I'm glad to see it's all painful. And then

Giselle starts it again. This stupid non-fight. I don't even want to talk about it. I'm tired. Well, you don't have to for a moment because then we cut over to this event. We're in preschool. Excellent. So meanwhile, elsewhere in don't have to for a moment because then uh we cut over to this um event preschool excellent so meanwhile elsewhere in dc and i believe it was like the museum of like architecture or whatever because i went there a few years ago so i recognized the interiors

really cool museum like a mcdonald's yeah they went to mcdonald's with columns um so uh there was this event for washington magazine and so katie is like i want to get like the word out about the ross foundation so she starts walking around this party like a like a budweiser girl at a bar handing out schwag you know like it was like here have a pin here have a free towel she's like hi hi i'm katie you want to come to our event yeah come to our event come to this event i was like is this the way it's done is this how you do it normally i feel kind of bad for girls like this who are so desperate to get married. I mean, I call them stupid slags and tell them to, like, read a book, too.

But this girl I actually like. Why is she so desperate? And then she kind of explains this because the whole limo ride over. Are you going to ask me to get married? How do I introduce myself if you don't ask me to get married? Are we engaged? How should I introduce you? Are you my boyfriend?

Then they show up and they say, what's your name? She says, Ross. Well, how do we introduce him? I don't know. How should i introduce you are you my boyfriend then they show up and they say what's your name she says ross well how do we introduce him i don't know how should we introduce you as my engaged person as my husband is my boyfriend my best friend this poor guy she just keeps going on and on and then she says in potomac everyone looks at you if you're not married you just have to be married you don't just shack up well i guess that explains it i mean try but if that's so important why'd you leave your husband of your three children when you were four months pregnant like since when did the fucking rules matter to you yeah and then and then um the funny thing was they do encounter some people who are like so are you guys engaged why aren't you engaged and at first i was like oh wow she's right but then they were like yeah we just got

married last weekend i was like oh these people just wanted to brag about getting married on TV. Never mind. Never mind. They got the spotlight in their flower dresses. So then we go back to the whiskey place. And at this point, now Ashley and Giselle are talking about – Ashley's like, you called me a thot. You said I was thot. And she's like, well, you were humping people. You were humping people.

If you don't want to hump – I won't call you a thot if you don't hump people. And she's like – That wasn't even when she did it i know someone later so ashley i guess is too dumb to call her out on that but that was a lie that's not when she did it and then she goes i just meant that you're like a whore yeah i like that i like that giselle was just like she didn't even double she wasn't she didn't even flinch she was like well yeah i know you humped robin so that's you know you're it's like a hoe yeah i know i know i have sex with people for money i mean i have sex with people for basement bars i mean different i like gardening but like i don't see how i'm a hoe

also who's giselle judging her her short name is jizz get out of here calling people a hoe So anyway But anyway, oddly enough They kind of handled it maturely And Ashley was like, yeah, it kind of upset me And Giselle was like, oh, well, I'm sorry And then she's like, okay, cool And then Charisse was like, oh, wait a second

They are handling this in such a mature way And I've been a raging bitch Oh, I guess maybe I should be an adult So she gets up and she hugs Giselle And they're like, yay I love Ashley because she said See see what a little whiskey can do. They were just shit faced by that point. Yeah.

She was pouring them full shots of whiskey. Every taste and every taste of ass crack they swallowed. I mean, they did earn their positions in this town. Believe it or not, I'm actually going to whiskey tasting on Thursday night. And I'm hoping that I have like a similar experience. I hope I get to call someone a hoe and then hug a lady just do it just make some shit up

that's all they do on this show just say you're man of we're really out of line you turn my hospitality into chaos so then finally the show ends with with Katie and Andrew so romantic Andrew pretending he doesn't know how to make

a braid he's like i could do a bob a dye job yeah whack you and i like how and katie she keeps she has this like weird overconfidence like that's in this like dorky annoying way it doesn't even read as arrogant it's just like just goofy and dorky and she's like rich she's like andrew's life has been a lot more exciting since he met me like really going to a really boring event and having to like pal around with you while you invite everyone to a boring event watching a rich lady beg for money on the street that was really fun yeah and then again when are you gonna marry me are you gonna marry me when are you gonna marry me so exciting i would have he's like yeah i would have married you a million times had you not kept

asking me the whole year and she goes i'm trying to be serious and you're not even taking this serious and goes like a heart attack really fucking romantic why are you gonna marry this guy you're rich go find somebody else oh he is a good nanny though he did point that out yeah well it's funny because he's like because she's like i'm trying to be serious i'm like you have a camera crew in your bedroom. How serious can you possibly be at this moment? Like, this is all fake right now. You know, like, you're not actually about to go to bed. You have a cameraman in there.

And we're in preschool. I love Ashley. I just want her to talk. I want to read audiobooks written, I mean, read in Ashley's voice. Like, serious shit. Call me Ishmael. Moby Dick is back Moby Dick That brings us to the end

Ben number two you made it buddy How long is this? 2.11 You did it Ben How did your Tetris go? He won How do you win Tetris? That's like impossible Did you really beat your high score? I won. He won? Yes! Wait, how do you win Tetris? That's, like, impossible. High score.

Did you really beat your high score? No. He was playing Candy Crush, let's be honest. It wasn't Tetris. Tetris is so 1990. Whatever, man. That's not how we do things in Potomac, man. Don't talk to me that way.

Everybody, thank you for listening to the Watch What Crappens podcast. We will talk to you next time. Go to Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens or patreon.com slash watch what crappins for our bonus episodes which we will be recording in an hour after we eat lunch and talk some shit about how cute man number two is yeah love you guys love you improv thanks for having us i'm representing the improv audience all those empty couches congratulations Congratulations on being real, Brick Wall. Yeah. We did it. We did it. Watch what happens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today.

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