Watch What Crappens - #264: Lisa Vanderpump Is Mad and Wants You To Know

Episode Date: February 4, 2016

Lisa Vanderpump is on a rampage this week, scolding Kyle Richards, Jax, and Stassi. Plus, she saves some iciness for Faye Resnick. We cover it all, plus Newlyweds: The First Year. Here are the time codes for your listening pleasure: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:10:39 - Crappens Mailbag 00:29:45 - Real Housewives of Beverly Hills 01:30:01 - Newlyweds: The First Year 01:59:32 - Vanderpump Rules Thanks for listening and supporting! Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? Crap happens. Crap happens. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Watch What Crappens dot com and the banter blender podcast and joining me is the always hilarious always super fun man of a million voices it's ronnie carom from trash talk tv.com hi ronnie oh man a million is such a nice way to say five um we are really excited that we're hoping that we have many new listeners thanks to uh that wonderful placement we got on BuzzFeed list of 22 podcasts to help make your shitty commute more bearable or whatever it was called. We are still so appreciative of that.

You can, if you're new or if you're even if you're old to the podcast, be sure to follow us at Facebook.com forward slash watch where crap ends. Great Facebook page. It's like everything you want to know about Bravo is there. In fact, yesterday I was looking at instagram i was watching a random video that victor cruz the wide receiver for the new york giants uh had put up on his instagram page and i was like holy shit is that angela from gallery girls sure enough it was and it's on our facebook page so uh it's shit like that that you can see also um come to watch what crap ends.com we are in the process of like building that site out and we're going to use our new sponsor weebly to make it look all pretty there

you can find our links to all of our other social media twitter and well we don't have an instagram but our own personal instagrams and stuff like that you just go there uh everything is there it's pretty and if you would like to support, come to patreon.com forward slash watch what crap happens. And people who support us at the most basic level, you get access to a bonus episode every single week. So that's an additional half an hour to an hour's worth of content for you guys. You can also submit to the crappins mailbag, which will be coming up in just a little bit,

and other cool perks like ringtones and Google Hangouts. bit and other cool perks like ringtones and google hangouts um and of course we have uh from patreon our premium super premium subscriber marvin jay who's just a doll thank you marvin jay for supporting us at the super premium level which makes him super cool um yeah our bonus episode this coming week tuesday will be the oj trial we're actually going to take notes on that show I'm going to watch it I'm not taking notes it's like two hours long but I'm not going to take notes but we're going to watch it and talk about it well I am okay look out everyone we're going to fill an hour with OJ

well we did it with Making a Murderer just fine so that was ten episodes true listen we just went to a bagel shop and talked like you know for 45 minutes about sesame seeds. I do want to give a shameless self-promotion plug to my website, bsideblog.com. This truly has nothing to do with Bravo, so thank you for tolerating the next 30 seconds,

which is that I just posted a board game review of this game called Orléans. I just want to get traffic there, so that way game companies feel comfortable sending me games that I can review. But also, if you're looking for, if you're in the market for a board game, I mean, it's a super fun game. So go check it out. They're cool pictures.

And of course, Ronnie has great recaps on Trash Talk TV about all this shit, including Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, which I know we're going to be getting to very, very shortly. Yeah. I know we're going to be getting to very, very shortly. It sounds like Gretchen just on slow-mo, you know, like a slow Gretchen. If Gretchen were a balloon slowly losing air. Died when that came on.

Okay, listen to that 20 times erica um that is one of the new ringtones by the way so if you need the most obnoxious ringtone in life that's going up tonight on the patreon subscription page so i love also that there's like a little piano in the background like uh you know i'm interested obviously it's a singing lesson but it's like this and then she finishes and he goes good good good job like really you're fucking charlatan but you know you know, she can sing. That's the funny part, though. The other part's that lesson.

She's singing. But anyway, yeah, that's ringtones. This episode begs to differ, Ben. Begs to differ. So we have stuff to get to, but first, guess what, everyone? I know you're excited. It's time for an ad. An advertisement.

Which one do you want to do first we'll put the other one later on uh let's do texture texture all right you can start because i gotta find that the document found it i found it already oh our classy classy ad reads uh what is your new year's resolution this year you guys are you gonna learn? Are you going to stay in shape? Are you going to get in shape? Picking one is the easiest part. It's sticking to it that gets tough, and texture can get you through. Yeah.

So, like, are you thinking about you want to cook? You maybe want to cook something for Valentine's Day coming up? You want to test a new recipe from Bon Appetit or Gourmet? You want to try getting in shape? You want to get the latest workouts from Health or Shape Magazine? Or maybe you just want to be the next Juliana Rancic? I know I want to try getting in shape you want to get the latest workouts from health or shape magazine or maybe you just want to be the next juliana rancic i know i want to just download us weekly or people and stay in the know if you want to be the next julia juliana rancic please download the magazine no stop i want to tell you stop wanting that i almost told my juliana rancic

story but you know what let's just go on with the ad. We don't need to hear it. I guarantee you don't want to hear it. Starting at less than $10 per month, Texter offers unlimited access to all your favorite magazines for less than the price of three magazines at the grocery store. You can browse hundreds of magazines and cherry-pick the articles that interest you the most. The Texter editorial team recommends stories for us daily, plus their curated collections let us dive deeper into Talk It. So sign up for Texture right now and in mere seconds gain insider access to the very best

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Thanks, Texture. We did it. We made it through our first ad. We did it. Okay, lunch break. Thanks, everyone, for listening to the podcast. I've been Ben Mandelkirch. text joe we did it we made it through our first ad we did it okay let's break thanks everyone for listening to the podcast i've been ben mandel and until next week should that be our new crappins mailbox any new listeners have just given us one star on itunes and hung up forever we have ruined the legitimacy of BuzzFeed.

They're slowly revising their post. 21 podcasts to get you through the shitty commute. 21 podcasts you'll hate more than traffic. Yeah, it's like, hey, is that the Zika virus coming through? No, it's just... That is literally the sound of the zika virus the official anthem for the zika virus for those of you who are not taking that virus seriously because you think it's another bird flu that's not going to get anybody that's what it sounds

like inside your body wear a condom there's going to be a like there's gonna be one of those uh songs where like 50 singers get together and they're all this is their song is gonna just be oh my god i'm gonna kill you i'm already regretting oh it's so good though it's so good that is really good that had me laughing so and then wyclef is gonna do like his own his own like interpretation of it he'll do we are the it's like the new we are the world scare that aids right out of africa maybe it'll be at least the new Voices That Care, at the very least. What's that one? Is that like a weird one?

Stand tall, stand proud. Voices that care are crying out loud. And wait. I'll tell you one thing that voice doesn't care. That voice does not care. I'm doing it right now. And on that piano, she had like a whole thing of pens. It was like a bowl of 20 pens.

Well, I think it was at like her instructor's house, because they shut the exterior and there was just like some bungalow off of Miller's Avenue. Big singer is hard work. Kick ass. Ah! I love how it modulates up to the higher ranges.

You think it's just going to be one thing, and then the mosquito's like, no, we're going up high. Well, I'd already started laughing because the beginning of that scene, she's like, She's like doing these squealing you know monkey in a tree noises uh and i thought that was good so i rewound that a few times and then they moved on to this one and then i was on the floor yeah no it was an amazing amazing moment um should we go to the mail bag let's do it man open that bag up our music's back

we're getting more and more questions in the crappin's mailbag i would like to add so you have to start bleeding over into the bonus episode a little bit because we have so many questions now the ending is what erica's gonna sound like when she goes on her retirement tour. Ah. Her voice is just going to get lower and lower. We should try to get Erica. I bet Erica would totally come on this podcast. And not only that, be super fun and be funny and be totally cool with it. We'll be like, hi, Erica. How are you today?

And she'd be like, I don't give a fuck. How about you guys? Basically Cartman in my mind now. I've been trying to repeat her lines as she spoke during the show last night. Because I don't really have an Erica voice. You have a good Erica voice. I don't give a fuck. I don't really have an Erica voice.

Yeah. There's a, like we always say, there's a spectrum. Actually, in the lines of Kim Zolciak, there's a tightrope between Erica, somewhere between Erica and, um, what's the phrase from Marriage Medicine? No, it's a spectrum of thotism. It's a spectrum.

It's like rubber band voices. You have, you have Erica, you have a little bit of Sheena on that spectrum. You have, She you have a little bit of Sheena on that spectrum, you have... Aargh! Sheena gets more... Sheena is like Erica, except that she has, like, a big saliva bubble caught in her throat at all times. What?!

She speaks from the back of her throat. She speaks from the back! I can't believe you're comparing me to Erica three weeks from my birthday. What was the name of the... What's our favorite lady from Married to Medicine? Oh, Jean. Toya.

By the way, I really have to emphasize again how I am still so embarrassed that I thought Charlotte was in South Carolina. It's really been haunting me from the last episode. Isn't it right on the border close to South Carolina? That's really been haunting me from the last episode. Isn't it right on the border close to South Carolina? That's what people are saying on the old Facebook. They're like, don't feel so bad.

You were close. Geographical pity. I love it. First question. This follows back to what we're talking about at Galar Girls. Lauren Grabowski says, please describe your dream version of what season two would look like're talking about at Galar Girls. Lauren Grabowski says, please describe your dream version of what season two would look like for the girls at Galar Girls.

Easily the greatest Bravo show ever. And she also suggests we can do season two of Princesses Long Island. Okay. I think that Chantal would have broken up with her partner and then she would have taken in some homeless person off the street to be her new partner. But instead of having a store, they would have

pop-up stores and she'd just be in front of the candy shop in Times Square. She'd be doing hipster candy. Those oversized lollies from 1905 and like jawbreakers. And she would maybe even put some ribbons in her hair, but she would never smile at the customers.

They'd be very American Gothic. Would you like to have a jawbreaker? But none of the candy can come from Oregon. Yeah. She's like, I don't drink Oregon lollipops. I think that Amy is like in a Ross dress for less. She's just there. She actually has no purpose.

She's still telling people that she works for a huge art consultant, but the truth is she's browsing for pans. She's telling people she's a fashion higher-up or whatever. Yeah, she's designing an installment for Art Basel 2017. She's collecting resources. She's sourcing materials from Ross. You guys, we just got a humongous poster that says Paris in five different languages.

It's huge. It's big. I think Maggie will spend the entire season in the corner of her apartment because she dropped a glass and she can't walk over it. There's glass on the floor. That girl who didn't know anything about art but was poor and lived with her dad or something. Wait, did she live with her dad? What was that girl's name? No, no.

She's like, I'm poor and these girls are idiots. She didn't even know about art. The Long Island girl. Yeah. She's like, I want to be in the art world and these girls aren't making it easy. I'm like, you don't know know about art. The Long Island girl. She's like, I want to be in the art world. These girls aren't making it easy. I'm like, you don't know anything about art. She'd go see art and be like, ew.

Yeah, she's like working at a Blix art store, whatever it's called. And I think that Liz, her worst nightmare comes true, which is that she gets off the subway in Chinatown by accident, and she's surrounded by Asians who do nothing but step on her painting. She can't even wear new shoes because there are footprints all over them every time she gets off the subway. Damn it.

And I think that... What was Chantal's buddy? Chantal... Remember she was like the nice one? The one who actually showed up to the store? Oh, the Asian girl who liked, who was a photographer? Well, the Asian girl is the one who was shooting Victor Cruz. Asian girl is probably like, she's just probably at Mood Fabrics, just browsing stuff.

You know what she's doing? She's taking blurry photos around the city and pass them off as art yeah instead of taking iphone photos or using her canon rebel she's like taking flip phone photos and then having those developed and then making ten thousand dollars a print yes you know those flakes are always the one to make it always always always it's like bitch took five pictures and had an art show and she's probably rich somewhere she is um and so the la oh claudia was the other edna century girl she's probably back in ohio you know like working at cvs telling people when she used to live in new york and how it wasn't a very nice place and people were fake and she's all the better for it but then she's

gonna get a call from someone important like she'll get a call from like um uh like um what's her what's the name i can't remember anyone's names of this episode what's that that kelly um you know that that crazy raging bitch kelly oh yeah kelly from uh she had her own show on bravo yeah that was a great show but kelly katron oh my god she was right outside that was my favorite thing ever. Yeah. She'll probably get called and recruited by Kelly Catron. Which, by the way, why did Bravo ever cancel that show?

That show was amazing. I don't know. How do some shows like that get canceled, but then other ones get a zillion seasons? I'm tying the knot. How is that marriage? Yeah, I'm tying the knot. How is that one still on? I don't know. And I swear to God, if the Singles Project comes back, I'm going the knot. That marriage. Yeah, I'm tying the knot. How is that one still on? I don't know.

And I swear to God, if the Singles Project comes back, I'm going to be furious. I'm writing a letter to Andy Cohen being like, if you're bringing back the Singles Project, then I want to see Kelly Catron back. I want to see Gallery Girls back. I want to see Princesses Long Island. Don't give me another shitty. Okay, Ben, as you said. Well, because the thing is, you know, it seems like the shows they always bring back are like those generic shows that are for basic – that try to like attract a straight audience, if that makes sense.

They're shows that are more relationship-y. Whereas the good shit is like the catty stuff like Gallery Girls or Princesses Long Island or even Kel on Earth. And no, it goes away. I'm sorry. Yeah, Kel on Earth, she must have just been not easy to work with. I think that's what it was, to be honest. I can't imagine that that wasn't a good enough show to pick up.

That shit was hilarious. And that wasn't like Gallery Girls hilarious. Like Gallery Girls, we found hilarious, but I mean, I don't think anything happened on that show. I remember the Oregon wine, the Art Basel, and then no one coming to Amy's grandma's house for a party. That show was amazing. It was so amazing i should just buy it i mean it's just such a great great show i really think it's it's it's truly bravo's biggest hidden gem and also game of crowns the

press of the dvd is what the entire season costs to make, so it seems a little unfair, really. I know, exactly. Let's see. Lori, we love Lori. Lori! Lori Ancomans! Lori Ancomans! She has a question, and it is, among the men of Real Housewives of Atlanta,

Potomac, and Beverly Hills, rank the three husbands you would like to marry and the three you would launch into space, never to be seen again. And then she says, I know that Potomac is new to the game, but it's okay. We'll still go forward. I think for me, let's see, the ones I'd want to marry. Now, she doesn't give an option of just, she doesn't do like marry, fuck, kill.

She just basically marry, kill. So I guess I'm just going to go on looks alone. So I think Juan from Potomac, right? You'd marry him well he'd cheat on you in two seconds and then never leave your house like he'd go have an affair on you and still expect to come home and like wash off in your sink well given that there's like only two options between marry and kill i'd i'd rather marry him than kill him because he's just i'd marry the black bill gates i mean what the hell it's not buck it's mary okay everyone gets to have aunt aunt aunt dot around i'd throw that tea in that old bitch's face if she complained about it to me tea is cold yeah let's see how cold it is running

down your face you old snot yeah um beverly hills probably mauricio right because he's hot and he's successful and mary can because he's about and he's successful I'd marry Ken because he's about to die any second and he wouldn't make me sign a prenup and then I probably

would do also from Beverly Hills I'd probably do Donnie Edwards because he's real handsome he's an idiot that guy's dumb as a brick

oh my god his first sentence he mispronounced Westminster Abbey remember when we met a queen at Westminister Abbey? No, that was the Abbey, Tommy. Zing. But he's handsome, so he's zing and successful.

He's handsome and successful. And I give like an almost to Apollo just for also being hot. I'm basically going purely by appearance. Because what else do I have to go for? And obviously to kill Peter. I'm trying to think who even has husbands on Real Housewives of Atlanta. There's not many. I mean, there's Greg.

I'm not going to marry him. Peter, obviously not. My baby count is low enough without his ass going to my ATM every day. Wait, I have a question. not i've my bank account is low enough without his ass going to my atm every day does wait i have a question does cynthia's ex leon count because he might actually he might get he might get uh i can't marry him he's too sensible and too handsome i would be so insecure smart and yeah it's sort of what uh lisa vanderbump was saying about about katherine marrying donnie edwards like you gotta marry someone who's like like, who's old and haggardly.

I like where the eyes are going, darling. Yeah. So I would definitely, Peter, definitely send Peter into space. Maybe David Foster. Send him to space. David Foster, no. David Foster has to stay

because he's an amazing human being. A, he's talented. B, he's an awful human being. A, he's talented. B, he's an awful human being. And C, he does things like, I don't know why I follow this idiot on Instagram, but I love to laugh when I'm pooping. And today he posted from Celine Dion's husband's funeral. He's posting selfies of himself playing and he's like, goodbye, Renee. Goodbye. This is me playing at Renee's funeral. And look, it's Celine sobbing. I'm like, what renee goodbye this is me playing at renee's funeral and look

it's celine sobbing like what the fuck this is instagram this is not about your your self your narcissistic selfies at a damn funeral play monkey play that's awful it's awful especially given how much flack alec baldwin's wife got for taking a selfie at a funeral or something like that and then here's david foster it's terrible um okay so next uh question did we kill three guys i think we only killed peter i would send honestly the ones i'm not marrying i'd send the rest into space i don't want competition well you could do that too um uh let's see um this is from elise hayes she says this one's for ben especially thanks elise but ronnie i know you can do this too she says since vanderpump rules is This is from Elise Hayes She says this one's for Ben especially Thanks Elise

But Ronnie I know you can do this too She says since Vanderpump Rules is basically the Hills Senior edition literally with the same producers Who do you think the casting equivalents are I.e. is Stassi, Lauren Conrad Yada yada yada So I think Jax is probably Spencer right I think James is Spencer

Oh yeah James is Spencer he's a little thirstier jacks is more like brody or is that more like sandoval brody's way too hot brody's not even on this show okay yeah brody yeah brody's that bartender that lauren cheated on i'm actually surprised brody hasn't even made it onto onto this show yet because he what's he doing he needs to be on a reality show i think he has oh he's on another reality show about their fam i don't know probably i forgot he's on the circle it's him yeah uh it's all of david foster's kids all of muhammad's kids like all of those people's kids have some kind of show i don't know what it is yeah so okay so i think so you say that um

jack wait jacks is who did you say that Jack, wait, Jax is who? Did you say Jax is? Let me see. I don't even know who Jax would be. I have to think from the girl perspective, because the only guy I really hated enough to remember is Spencer. And I think that would be James. Yeah, I think that's probably James. They have the same coat, guys. guys i feel like lala is like jen bunny who sort of like comes in and is slutty and causes problems but still never seems to be very central to the show yeah okay i'll go with that one um heidi uh

well kristin is obviously heidi which is the sidekick who becomes so crazy that she then sort of becomes pretty central to the show. And, you know, they're just messed up. Okay. I would think Heidi was just so dumb and lovable, though, and Kristen is just dumb. I mean, she is dumb, but Kristen's so much horsier than Heidi.

I don't know. Heidi was just so much more fun. Kristen's easier to hate. Remember, Heidi was often accused of having a horse face herself. Well, I know. God bless her. Which, by the way, I never agreed with. Yeah, I didn't either. So what?

You have a big chin. Is that a bad thing? I love that guys are trying to put chins in themselves and girls are trying to take chins out of themselves. I know. Well, no, Stassi put in a chin. She gave herself a chin. Oh, that's true. Maybe she could have taken Heidi's's chin she could have oh chin recycling um i think that

i think that well obviously lisa vanderpump is lisa love so that's that's an easy one to do um and i guess stassi is lc right you know like when Elsie doesn't go to Paris, that way she can like stay back with... Oh, you know who Jax is? Jax is obviously Jason. Remember when Elsie's love the first season was Jason and she didn't go to Paris so that way she could spend the summer in Malibu with Jason and Jason was a total disaster?

That's totally Jax. Obvi. Oh, do you know who I think Lala could be too? Wait, hold on. Okay, no.uren can be dead eye adrena yeah i think that's i feel good about that one lauren the hostess yeah just and then what she's gonna do like adrena did adrena came on all dead-eyed and anorexic and silent she was just like yeah good to meet you like laying down in her bikini getting sun then suddenly she was a lead yeah that's gonna happen i think with lauren lauren's gonna

fuck every bus boy in there until she gets some screen time she can run away and hide in the kim richards meth bathroom while she wants to but we know what you're after lauren i kind of feel like tom schwartz might be justin bobby you know floppy hair kind of boring justin bobby was so hot to talk he was so hot and so awful and so ridiculous and so pretentious um i think that oh whitney who's whitney i think whitney that might be katie just sort of like smiling and there whitney was totally katie yeah yeah whitney was definitely kat was definitely Katie Heidi is definitely Horseface number one In my book

I'm trying to remember who else was on that show Who's Lauren? I guess it would have to be Sheena then Oh Sheena Wait this changes Sheena's Audrina I think I think Sheena's more dead eye than Lauren Sheena is definitely Audrina Yeah she does definitely have Tim Burton dead eyes

Yeah yeah And I think that Shay might be Doug Remember Doug? Doug was in the mix there for a second No I don't ever remember the boys It's so weird The boys don't do anything Yeah Justin Bobby of course

So if Sheena is Okay so Sheena is Well, so then Stassi, so if Sheena is, okay, so Sheena is Audrina. I think Stassi still has, the thing is that Lauren is not nasty the way that Stassi is. There's no one who is really aggressive. Maybe, oh, maybe Stassi's low, sort of snarky. I think Stassi's low, which is really a high compliment to Stassi. Yeah, yeah, that is, that is. Yeah. which is a high compliment yeah yeah that is that is yeah um well i think that lauren conrad is just like i don't know maybe she's tom sandoval yeah she's like earnest i think lauren i think lauren

diana the manager who you never see except for maybe one line a year when she's like where sheena and katie are getting to go tip i think that's her maybe she's rosio rosio no rosio's my queen rosio wins rosio is the hills okay they all live on rosio she just pretends to be silent no rosio maybe rosio is uh that guy that heidi heidi dated in season one season one there was like a whole different cast you know there were different people oh the hills they need to do a modern take on the hills with all the same people and just show what they're all like now well lauren is you know lauren has like a two billion dollar business or one billion dollar it's a billion dollar business i don't know how many billions it is but her clothing line is a billion dollar business yeah she's rich as hail but i think it's maybe that's jessica simpson but either way lauren's line is huge and she didn't interact that

much anyway she just kind of stood around silently and looked doe-eyed and stuff i know well i mean she had those great moments with heidi the hills really season two of the hills was a piece of art you know like in reality shows there are certain seasons that are just the best ever. Big Brother 6, Vanderpump Rules season two, The Hills season two. I mean, really so epic. Magical. I know. Cool.

So should we move on to the reg show? Yeah. Right on. Thank you, Mailbag. Thank you, mailbag. Thank you, mailbag. And we'll get to the ones we didn't get to today. We'll get to next week. Yeah, we'll continue working down the list. Yeah, yeah, because we want to make sure people get heard.

Maybe for those of you whose questions we've read already many times, we may move on to some other people. It's the way other people get their moment. In the sun, in the spotlight. You want to start with Real Housewives of the beverly hills yeah of course of course um real housewives of beverly hills wow wow this show fun always fun always fun every time i don't care if nothing happens on this damn show i laugh every single time this week opens up with lisa and kyle at lisa vanderpump's house kyle's walking in over that bridge and hanky is cruising her ankles i wanted hanky to take a big chunk out of those ankles so badly oh hanky it looked like he was

about to strike but he never did it hanky is really having a very interesting emotional arc this season he went from like ailing and being rejected to now being kind of spiteful. Maybe they should have put him down. No, you don't put someone down just because they're spiteful. Ben, I would have been post-appointed at five years old. You do with swans! Well, anyway. Hanky.

I'm sorry. I was on an inhale, darling. The silence wasn't a rude you're an idiot pause. It was an inhaling chocolate donut flavored vape pause. I assumed you were just shocked at my call for ethnic swan cleansing. Well, I don't think you should do it by ethnicity, but I'm definitely down for breed drowning or whatever. Breed drowning.

So anyway, so it starts off with Hanky eyeing Lisa's ankles, thinking nasty things, truly becoming Natalie Portman as she is going through her mental breakdown. Yes. Wanted to eat Kyle's ankles, and Kyle showed up in boots. Oh, Kyle's ankles. She's like, I'm not going across that bridge again with that boots. Kyle just wants some sugar. Oh, poor Kyle. Kyle's ankles. She's like, I'm not going to cross that bridge again with that boots. Kyle just wants some sugar.

Oh, poor Kyle. Kyle's favorite word. Mean. So Lisa, of course, Lisa and her tea. Please tell me that she's got something else in those damn teacups. Come on, old lady from the Keebler tree. Get the hell out of there with your tea every time someone comes over. Would you like some tea?

No. And Dot is like, tea, did you say? If Yolanda learns English, you can learn to drink other beverages, okay? Drop the tea, lady. Yeah, like how about a spitzer? Although later in Vanderpump Rules, she drinks a Diet Coke instead of tea, and that's when you know she's about to murder Jax. I know, and she wore—

I brought out the cup of cancer, Jax. And she wore black, so that's also pretty shocking. There's a to murder Jax. I know. And she wore black. So that's also pretty shocking. There's a lot of stuff happening. So Lisa is trying to give Kyle some shit about inviting Faye to that party because Lisa never lets anything go. Yeah. Which is true.

Kyle does have a point. And I do want to say that Lisa, you know, even like was making fun of this idea that she holds a grudge. Like people are going to say I'm holding a grudge, you know. And then really everything in this episode and everything in Vanderpump Rules was evidence about how much Lisa carries a grudge. I, yeah, she totally carries a grudge. But it's also once she's been fucked over, she's like, bye now. Why the hell would she be nice to Faye? Faye was a bitch.

She did come up to her anniversary party and start all this shit, which was totally inappropriate. My thing is, if you're going to forgive Kyle, you have to forgive Faye because Faye was only speaking Kyle's words. Faye only went up there and did a monologue that Kyle basically pounded into her head for her. It's not like Faye came up there with original ideas. She was fighting for Kyle. So if you forgive Kyle, you have to forgive fay well lisa should also follow her own advice to stassi which is you're not important enough to hate so like she should just get over it like i i actually think that lisa believe it or not i'm actually not on lisa's side about this i feel like yeah fay was fay was maybe being inappropriate but it was like not a crazy

hateable offense like it's it actually is pretty as far as housewife imbroglios go. It was pretty mild. I think her issue, though, is that she's supposed to be friends with Kyle. Now, look, we both know that these two bitches are just faking it and they hate each other and they're just teaming together. It's almost like they're playing a game together and they're like, let's align the season, darling. Let's be together. game together and they're like let's align this season darling let's be together and so they're like aligned for the season but i don't really know how much they really like each other especially kyle to lisa i think lisa's but that aside i think lisa's point was that i was with you the day before

and you can't tell me faye's coming yeah like kyle's always trying to cause shit and cause these big dramatic scenes and pre-write everything and you know she does it at the expense of even her best friend faye she tried to throw under the bus three times last week at that barbecue so yeah how's just the worst okay i've said it a million times and i'll say it again she is the worst so you can't expect the worst to apologize which of course kyle didn't she was like but what about when you used to bring brandy around kyle was right talking kyle was right they were enemies at that point but you know what though but still though like i mean no i'm not saying that kyle is a good person i mean i do think that kyle has been up to some

shitty behavior but um but like you know she she sort of she kind of called out lisa i mean she was right with everything she was saying she's like well like i don't you don't like fay well you i hate you know brandy and you bring brandy around you know yeah but lisa didn't start off by hiding fay's crutches kyle started that whole shit with brandy in the first place and then lisa was on her side not even knowing brandy that whole first season well but then kyle was like i thought you don't hold grudges which is also i mean i just felt like they're both idiot they both idiots. They're both lying. They're both lying. But ultimately, though, Lisa does

have... She does win this one because, yeah, Kyle should have just been like, oh, by the way, Faye's coming tomorrow. I know you don't like Faye, but just so you know. Yep. So I'm going to... Oh, she calls Faye an orangutan. Lisa's such a bitch. I really enjoy Lisa's bitchiness. Then faye an orangutan lisa's such a bitch i really

enjoy lisa's bitchiness then you let that orangutan yeah um and then lisa's lucky lisa's actually lisa's lucky that she actually doesn't catch some shit for that on on twitter actually i don't know if she has or not but like you know for some people that you know taken in the wrong way there could be a very uh a very questionable comment why well you know it's like a you know like there's like a there's there could be i'm not saying i took it this way and obviously i don't think it was meant this way but it could be taken in a racial way which would have been you know i'm just saying i'm not saying what i thought i thought renee's like half black fae is? Yeah. Isn't she? Or is she just tanned so much? I've actually thought she's biracial.

Now I've got to look her up. Oh, I just thought she was a mix of like, you know, like random American, you know? Like not all white, but just randokin. Rando-randomirkin. How would you say that? Randormikin. Well, in that case, then never mind. I wasn't like trying to like race bait the situation or anything like that but i'm just

saying it's one of those it's one of those situations where like you know it's just you know especially these days everyone is very eager to hop onto anyone for saying anything and you know it's just like i thought like oh, Lisa could get some shit for that. But well, there was Lisa wasn't letting Kyle have sugar as punishment, which was hilarious. And Kyle says, what are you calling me fat? Oh, Kyle, get a bra that fits because you're saying that while your back is spilling over the backseat. Please stop talking. Faye's mother, by the way, is Spanish-Italian, and her stepfather is German,

which she still could be half-black, but I'm assuming that maybe her dark complexion is maybe like a Mediterranean thing going on. Oh, yeah. So there you go. Yay, Lisa wasn't being racist. Lisa wasn't being racist. It was me.

It was me all along. Lisa countered with If I invited Witchy Poo How would you feel? I love a Carlton callback I would love Carlton to come back Just yell at Kyle

Because I didn't really like Carlton I thought she was a big phony idiot too But I would love Carlton to come back And call Kyle a racist Because I like whenlton came out with random things like you you're a religious bigot how dare you talk about my religion like that what was she english i don't remember she just made her australian she's like how dare you i don't know my accents are all messed up too she's like how could you even say that the swastika on the back of my neck is racist? It's an expression of art.

I will not listen to Hitler. Call me names. Do you understand? Why don't you go burn some Jews? Jesus Christ, girl. I like that she was making this huge religious war out of a housewife show. So silly. I am not anti-Semitic. You're the one who kills bees.

Animal abuser Now let me get into my giant bed Oh yeah My giant It was like two king size beds Big huge posts And then her stripper assistant She's like I'd love to move the couch today assistant

And she'd be like Alright mate Let's scratch up the floors Why don't we? On her stripper pole, sliding her slaggy ass down that pole. That was Carlton's biggest arc, was moving that couch. Today, I think we're going to move the couch.

Well, we moved the couch today. I'm feeling emotional about the couch. Oh, Carlton. So, Lisa says, well, oh, wait, what, what, what? Oh, yeah, kyle says faye doesn't say mean things about you by the way so like just you know faye's like totally nice behind your back i'm so sure because even faye when they were in that stupid store faye was pretending to own was saying i have to hand it

to even lisa vanderpump i mean she has a nice closet you know she's like yeah she may be a bitch but her closet's nice. I'm not going to believe that Faye isn't talking shit. And then Lisa says, I don't talk about her either, which is, of course, a huge lie. And Kyle says, yes, you do. You call her mean words. Really mean, mean words. You're a mean person.

Of course, baiting her again and outing her on TV. And Lisa goes, I only call her that one thing. And she's like, don't say it. It's mean, Lisa. It's mean. Very mean. And yet you brought it up again on national TV so Faye can ask at one point what

it is. And you know it's something awful. It's probably the C word. What do you think? She probably called her a deformed koala bear. You look like one of those koala bears that's eating the poo out of their asses. No, because Lisa would love that. She loves a broken hoe. If Faye was a

deformed koala bear, Lisa would try and be her best friend. Yeah, she would actually adopt her and put her in a little cage next to the pony. Well, it can't be too deformed. She would be a deformed face and saying, can't wait for you to betray me next year, darling. It's going to give me an entire arc.

Literally, she's going to buy an ark, like a giant ship, and put it in her backyard. I want two of every deformed animal on my boat. Two by two by two. Oh, but no lame donkeys. Thank you. They die. They die in the flood. They can't fit into the shoes I've had custom made for them because of their lame feet. Donkeys, thank you. They die. They die in the flood. Faye.

They can't fit into the shoes I've had custom made for them because of their lame feet. Faye, I want to introduce you to your flood partner. It's a lame donkey. You two can sit here on the bench while we get in the ark. Thank you. We have to wait for it to stop raining before we can put you two down. Be patient. Here's some old maid, darling.

Enjoy. Don't worry, Faye. It'll stop raining soon. We'll just be over here in this boat. Don't mind us. The next scene is Erica and Yolanda at the beach. Oh, Yolanda. Oh, I'm going on a walk. Yolanda's like a

rhinoceros that ate Christmas because she just keeps pooping out gifts. Like little Yoli gifts. Perfectly packaged. Oh, it's so nice to walk. I haven't walked in nine months. I'm like, we just saw you walk in Beverly Hills. You were walking with Erica and Kyle and you sat on a bench afterwards.

She's acting like she's been on a waiting list for somebody to donate her legs. Get out of here. You're not walking for nine months, you dum-dum. Oh, it's so nice to go back out on the beach. I mean, please. Does she not remember showing up with Erica to that meeting with Kyle wearing workout clothes? And she's like, oh, it's so difficult to get out of the passenger seat. I haven't sat in the passenger seat for over two years.

You know, it's actually really obnoxious. You know, our friend Ed Hill, he is going through major cancer. Like, stage four craziness. Tumors everywhere. And he's still going to work. Okay, and here's this other man. Oh, I got my boobies out and I'm going to take a walk in the sunshine on the beach by the Pacific Ocean, the most beautiful part of the world. Oh, what a chore. Shut up. I love that

people are always talking about, um, they're saying, like, and then I prayed to God that I would win this reality show, and we always say, God is not watching a reality show. And this is proof that he's not, because when Yolanda walks onto that stupid beach in Malibu and goes, I'm alive!

Um, lightning doesn't come and strike her. I was waiting for the crane shot that stupid beach in Malibu and goes, I'm alive! Lightning doesn't come and strike her. I was waiting for the crane shot to shoot her from above and she would swirl around and the music just swell. If God was watching, he would have just been like, zap. No, you're not. Tidal wave. Here comes the tsunami. Everyone's like, oh shit, Yolanda Foster is celebrating.

Get out the beach. Tsunami's coming in. Oh, it's tsunami lime. The tsunami only happened because of that stupid tick. So they're talking, of course, Erica starts telling her. Erica's her

little spy for the season, so she's obviously Team Yoli. And she's a shady, shady Erica. Shady bitch. She really is. She has patent the puss. Overtime now.

She's punching the puss. She's like, Yolanda, I have some gossip for you. Gossip. Or ear-bleeding lime. sip oh ear bleeding lime like sebastian the crab is like running back into the sea ariel's like no i don't want to be part of that world anymore oh my god could you imagine if she had gotten to sing for the pope i take back like gay rights you're all going to hell now. Get the hell out of the Vatican. So they start talking about the party because, of course, Yolanda will only shoot at her own home or David's bachelor fuckpad or in her backyard.

That bitch is not going anywhere, okay? And it's not like she's not going anywhere in real life because we see her all over her Instagram. She's like, look at me at the Grove. Oh, it's my first time at the Grove in 20 years. So she's getting out. But in this show, she's like, no, I would not shoot that. I would not shoot that. So anyway, she has to drive all the way to Malibu.

And now that we know that Erica lives in goddamn Pasadena. Yeah. Wow. They're casting in Pasadena now. That's up. For people who don't know that is that is a hike that's got to be at least it's gonna be an hour to 90 minutes i mean that is a drive pasadena to malibu wow yes and you know that erica wants this job really bad because she's being nice to yolanda

who's a train wreck and an obvious nutcase at this point and not only that but not only is she fighting her battles over stupid people who deserve to like lose kim brandy etc but she's driving 90 minutes to shoot with yolanda every single time she shoots with her yolanda is a selfish selfish person well you know yolanda isn't always in malibu she's often in her west hollywood condo or west or westwood westwood well westwood's not that much. Westwood is arguably more difficult to get to from Pasadena. You have to get into the city. Yeah, because you have to drive through the city and stuff.

Well, you can take cold water. Never mind. This is exactly what people don't want to hear about. It's a dick move to make the woman drive so much every time she has to shoot with you. So anyway, she starts telling her about the conversation about muhammad supposedly saying the kids don't have lyme or whatever but she makes it sound like lisa and kyle were both just doing all this like salivating and be like guess what i heard and and on top of that she doesn't even say the context of why they were saying like which is what you're saying but

like they make it sound like lisa and kyle like guess what, we don't think Bella and Anwar have Lyme disease, instead of what it was, which was people asking, I think it was specifically Kyle asking Lisa, have you spoken to Muhammad about it? And he's like, yeah, and then what does Muhammad think? And all Lisa said was, no, no. And now Lisa is getting raked over the coals for this by soon-to-be Yolanda. Muhammad also then released a statement being like, you know, all I said was that they were fine because I don't want to engage in this.

And now she and Muhammad are now having an issue. It just seems like so – I don't know. They're always coming after her. And Erica is acting like, well, I only heard part of the thing that they were talking about. But no, you didn't. Kyle started by saying yolanda looks so beautiful erica and then lisa rena oh yeah well what about the munch houses what what do you guys think about that i'm so embarrassed that i said the word munch house i can't believe i said that word i mean what is she doing like is she actually eating houses is she munching on houses? She looks great.

How does she stay so thin? She looks fabulous. She looks fabulous. And then she ate, oh, the house that she ate was beautiful. Oh, my, I've seen a lot of houses. I've been around. I've been around a long time. I've seen a lot of houses.

And the houses she's been eating, beautiful. So that was obviously Kyle starting it, Rinna seconding it, trying to drag Lisa into it. Now, look, Lisa Vanderpump is a bitch, and she doesn't believe for one second that Yolanda's kids have line. And, of course, Muhammad told her, no, the kids don't have line. Yolanda's a crazy bitch. Of course this all happened. But Lisa's at least smart enough to try and keep it off TV. And, yes, I do believe that Lisa Vanderp helped kyle manipulate rena into bubbling all this shit

on blabbing all of this shit on national tv that's why rena is so mortified because she's left in a boat all alone with this news well yeah i mean rena's whole situation is so it's also so over the top well we'll get to that in a moment but um uh yeah it's the way that erica frames it you know yeah it's the way that erica frames it you know yolanda is mad at lisa now like who's talk about like who is he why don't they instead of they're talking about me why don't they care for me why don't they want to hear me you know and and making it sound like these women were like out of control and super gossipy but it's really actually erica who's gossiping and inflaming a situation. I don't care what you say about me. I carry the entire Lyme community on my back. I support the Lyme.

So to hear my friend is not supporting me. Listen, you supporting Lyme does not, you carrying the Lyme community on your back does not mean that the rest of your friends have to carry your ass, okay? That's why you have a husband. He can carry you. How long before Yolanda pays a visit to Old Lyme, Connecticut,

where the disease was first found, and she visits with people in the town and listens to their stories compassionately, and is just so moving to hear what these people went through. It's so much about my journey, too. You know it's going to happen. It's going to be so stupid. My journey!

Yolanda said something that was very telling, but she's too stupid to even know that she just diagnosed herself. But she told Erica, When you get sick and you have a disease, people are supposed to come to you, and they are supposed to give you love and take care of you. I'm like, uh, yes. That's so Munchausen.

And then she goes, This is despicable. It's a doubt to my integrity as a woman. What? Maybe those breast implants that you put in as a doubt to your integrity as a woman. Love yourself, girl. This means no one claimed you had integrity in the first place. And second of all, how does this have anything to do with you being a woman?

It's so weird. Like, don't be mixing gender politics in with it. They're calling you a faker, okay? And, well, no one's doubting that she's sick. That's the thing. That's what's so weird. Well, no, I think that she's sick of something. She's sick.

I don't know if it's coming from Lyme. I think she had Lyme at one point for sure. I don't know. I mean, I'm not a doctor. I can't say with any authority. But at this point, she is definitely ailing, and it probably has more to do with all those drugs she's taking than the Lyme disease, you know? She is definitely sick.

She's definitely ailing. I believe that for sure. But I think this, like, I don't know. The Lyme, it just seems like it's not the Lyme at this point. It's like it's something else. Yeah, beyond, I mean mean the disease part i think we spent so or i spent so much time just obsessing over it and reading everything and blah blah blah in the beginning that now it's not even about that to me

now it's just about this bitch is crazy like i don't even care if she had you know stage 17 aids sir you know like a mix of aids and cancer and bird flu and the zika disease i don't care if she has all 20 of those things the fact that she needs everything to be about that is weird to me yeah it's it's weird it's like an attention whoring and the and the convenience the uh what i found and this is again jumping ahead but the convenience of like her sudden onset fatigue like just when she needs it the most like she's having a conversation with lisa and it sounds like oh no i'm tired now like suddenly she's like yeah i'm fine fine but oh no no i'm tired you know yeah well you could never had anything to say that's the funny thing that

she's even on the show when When has she ever even said anything? I don't remember anything she's ever said. The Dream Team. Unless it's something awful. Yeah. Something like that. She went after Ken. I don't know.

Like, you know, she previously, I feel like her role has been to be very wealthy. And she's a little, sometimes she's sort of like a voice of reason. I know, like, I actually, believe it or not, as much as we talk about shit about Yolanda, I actually really don't mind her that much. And in previous seasons, I've actually really enjoyed her. I know you've had a lot of issues with her to a certain extent. But, you know, there's something, I don't know, I think she has been likable.

She's sort of been a voice of reason. She's been different perspectives. She sort of has worked in her own weird, glamorous way. But now this whole illness thing is getting tiresome no pun intended yeah um so the next part is uh the next scene is rena and erica rena goes to pasadena poor rena rena meet some friends i don't know cheat on your husband i don't know get a disease do something lady because when you have to drive to pasadena to shoot a scene that means you've got nothing going on in your own life. Okay?

Get a life. Yeah. Rinna basically, if I may make a comparison to one of our favorite movies, Rinna is basically in a perpetual state of Lily Tomlin in the final moments of Big Business when she meets the other Lily Tomlin. And she goes, whoa! Whoa! And she has her hands on her temple you know she puts her fingers on her temple and she wags her elbows whoa whoa whoa that's what she does she walks into the room she's like whoa a chapel i've never seen a chapel before whoa whoa whoa it's old old money Old money, okay? I've seen old money before, okay? I've been to so many birthday parties for money.

Like, I get that it's aged. It's old. Seen it, been there, blew out candles for it. This money is old. I like how she's, like, adopting some Isaac Mizrahi. She's like, oh, she's real old. She's real old. Like, someone just came back from QVC.

Erica's showing off her gigantic tacky as fuck house that house okay when people say old money you guys guess what old things need deodorant and a sponge bath okay take care of your old things that house looked like cocoon was dismembered all over at that that was to me that actually did not look like old money that looked like wannabe old money that looked like it was it was almost like you know turn of the century or whatever it was so over the top and it's like antiqueness that it didn't actually feel at least on tv like old money it just looked like it was like it had seen what old money looks like on tv and was trying to emulate it like old money, old money is understated as fuck. And that's not understated.

This money is so old that it has cataracts and it can't see the patterns it's buying online. Because these patterns were just fucking blinding. I mean, they were terrible. And I could smell the pee from here in that house. You know that smell of just, like, about-to-be-departed pee? That's what the house smells like i can smell it from here and then erica's like look it's my library and then they walk into this room of books which is hilarious because come on erica you ain't sitting down with war and peace

yeah and she's she goes into the library and then there's this giant printed canvas of her in a micro exactly i think that was the moment that was the moment when i was like this is not old money it was huge i was like this is not old money i'm sorry i watched down abby okay although i stopped a little bit recently but like you know i i know what old money looks like here's what i would if i wanted my place to look like old money i would turn on the episode of down abby when they went to scotland and they went to like Shrimpy's estate and I would basically model every room off that Scottish estate and then I'd be done. I'd look very old money.

Erica, not Erica. Who's Shrimpy? I'm worried about the two pool tiles. Make me get those fixed, damn it. Yeah, and the chapel also, like, so here's the other thing. Now we're being, now we are being real cut finesses because we're harping on the little things but like you know the chapel it looked

to me very like old school catholic italian maybe or maybe even like mission style you know uh and that totally did not make any sense with the quote-unquote old money style the rest of the house well she built the chapel i know she built it for herself because she loves religious And that totally did not make any sense with the quote-unquote old money style of the rest of the house. Well, she built the chapel. I know. She built it for herself because she loves religious art. I'm like, look, you don't need one room to be on your knees in, okay? You basically won this gigantic mansion.

There's trophies of you next to the dead carcasses in every single room. It's your home, okay? You don't need to have an entire room where you can go in and it's like it's the only way she can feel comfortable when i need peace i remember the old days and i get back down on my knees and i thank the lord by the way i would like to name this uh this segment of the show the self-loathing architectural critique because i'm sitting here complaining about how her chapel doesn't thematically match the rest of her faux old money house when i'm sitting here in my one bedroom apartment with a pile of laundry on the floor dust bunnies and like

wrappers on the table okay so listen erica if you're listening just just know that it's really less about you and your home and more about myself loading but it's not even about the money because you can be a poor person and still have decent taste. It's about the taste. If you've got $5, you can still have a nice box to live in. You can make sure that it's always taped up properly, that there's a nice coat of, I don't know,

watercolor or whatever on the outside. But if you're just some gross person with a saggy box and there's just trash, no one's gonna respect you you know it's the same thing for being rich she's got all the money in the world there's no excuse to have a home like especially when you look like erica i mean make the house see-through i don't know make it like yourself glass house why don't you just why don't they just she should just pattern after rose red

and have nancy travis walk through giving tours Why don't they just, she should just pattern it after Rose Red. And have Nancy Travis walk through giving tours. This is like a museum. Wow. Whoa. It's like there could be monsters in here. The Jurassic Museum. And then Rinna, who is like so afraid to be thought of as bitchy because now she's doing her,

people are meeting me on Twitter, so I'm going to apologize about Lyme's disease or whatever. Or Lyme disease. Damn it, I can't stop putting the S at the end. So she's doing that, but she'll still drop a Cut Fitness-y condom. I'm wearing Erica's hat, so look where my mind is. She'll still drop a condom. It has like a tartan pattern it's like ribbed for her pleasure it has like little little paintings of mallards on the her ribs all over this house um so yeah she makes a little comment that oh this is real money i mean

this makes lisa vanderpump's house look like a disco. A, I think that's what Lisa Vanderpump was going for. Yeah, a spawn disco. She built that house. I mean, she redid that whole house herself. So I don't think she's going for old money, okay? And B, it's better to be an old person with new money than a young person with old money, okay? Lisa Vanderpump at least helped

earned her goddamn money yeah that's it yeah oh I thought there's gonna be more so Lisa Rinna so so Lisa Rinna now I'm gonna get your right man now I'm gonna do my now I'm gonna do my little Lisa Rinna rant it's gonna be pretty light because I like Lisa Rinna but her whole thing for this episode and previous episodes is that she was with someone, and we don't know who, and they mentioned Munchausen, right? And Lisa engaged in the conversation, and that's all she did, which is honestly, there's nothing wrong with that.

Like, someone said, I think she has Munchausen. Oh, what's Munchausen? And someone described it, and she probably thought about it. And Oh, what's Munchausen? And someone described it. She probably thought about it. And in life, you're allowed to like contemplate things. It's like it's okay for her to doubt Yolanda if she ultimately decides that she thinks it's wrong. It's okay. It's not an affront to Yolanda. But Lisa is hyper aware of her image.

And she's also hyper aware that gossip travels so much in this circle and so quickly especially when you have a team of producers egging it on so she basically wants to clear her name before it gets out there so people start saying oh lisa rena thinks you have munchausen's but the problem is that in her in her like uh apology tour in her effort to clear her name she's actually making it into more of a thing than it ever was she's going like i just feel so bad you know someone mentioned the m word to me and you know i engage and i i feel terrible that i engage in munchausen and so she's simultaneously putting munchausen's out there and and while trying to like express how she feels bad about it yes and i'm kind of like lisa not taking ownership she's but she's accusing you i mean she's saying bad shit about yolanda

even though she's saying oh it's just chatter i engage it no bitch you got on tv and read off your phone the definition of munchausens and made a scene about it like i feel bad tricked into it yeah but no but the thing is this you know where she's in trouble is that she's, so then she vented to Kyle and Lisa. And they both were like, just don't worry about it. They literally were like, yeah, don't worry about it. And if you feel bad, talk to Yolanda about it. And I actually was like, when they did that, I was like, oh, Kyle is totally going to be like, well, Lisa said this. But shockingly, it was Eileen who then now made it into a whole big thing.

But Kyle and Lisa were right. They're like, yeah, it's okay. You had a conversation. So now it's this whole thing. And now Lisa's talking to Erica. And then Erica tells, you know, it's like, I'm like, Lisa Rinna, I'm a big fan of you. You got to just relax. You just got to know.

If you feel, just own your shit. Own your shit, baby. I think she's just own your shit. Own your shit, baby. I think she's just trying to get, I mean, honestly, and look, obviously I like her too. My issue with her is that she's just not being herself. Because her real self does not believe Yolanda, obviously. And she believes in the Munchausen, obviously. So she's upset, I think, because she feels alone in it. And now she knows she's going to get the villain edit. And I think you're right. She's aware of her image, and so she's upset i think because she feels alone in it and now she knows she's going

to get the villain edit and i think you're right she's aware of her image and so she's worried about that but when she goes to shoot scenes to talk about it in every single episode yeah and then acts like she's doing it to be nice no you're being a bitch so just be a bit i don't think she's being a bitch but i think she's uh she doesn't seem to be it's like i'm like girl just like stop talking about it like if you're so like you don't like you're just you're just making it worse it's like you know because i i've definitely been guilty of that like of just like when people like man just stop just stop i'm like but i have to express my feelings you know uh it's like so i i know what it's like lisa i've been i've been in that position i know what it's like to feel guilty

about something and then you talk about it because you position. I know what it's like to feel guilty about something and then you talk about it because you feel like you're talking it out and you feel like you're being totally sensible and doing the right thing, but you're actually just exacerbating the situation, which is evidenced by the fact that Yolanda then got mad at you.

Yeah. Well, stupid Yolanda can't fight either. It's like Yolanda and Catherine both need to go to a Taibo class or some shit because neither one can fight to save their lives. So the next scene up is Catherine and Donnie. So the first scene with Catherine. Well, not the first scene.

But the first alone scene with Catherine. Where it was like, me and Donnie are driving. Was all about how rich they are. And the Westminster Abbey, etc., etc., etc. Now we're in this tiny little apartment. Yeah, tiny apartment. With this little sad square kitchen, like little kind of open alley. Where's your chapel?

Where's the what? I said, where's your chapel? It's the toilet. She's like, there's no room to kneel in here. And she's still talking about this stupid Faye fight with her husband I don't care Catherine's boring the hell out of me but I did laugh when she said I wanted to read her ass

up and down I'm like bitch you couldn't even read the one sentence about you in a book written 20 years ago you want to read nobody crap and squirt crap and squirt it is so true we all know how you feel about reading not gonna happen yeah well it's fine i don't mind her scenes because i you know donnie edwards is easy on the eyes you know i once was

if i may uh have do another segment of ben uh brags about celebrities he was on planes with i once was on the flight with donnie edwards and i was like he looks he's he looks good in person i'm gonna tell you that much a lot better than vicky did on a look looked on a plane i i once talked about maybe he's cute his wife is still boring as hell and so is he but you know i'm glad he's cute on the plane maybe they should just take planes on this show maybe if we saw him in coach things would look up tourist class as classes and mcdowell would call it um so then we go back to erica and rena and erica is just telling her yolanda appreciates the honesty unless you're a doctor in which case you're victim shaming yeah otherwise yolanda loves honesty and then right after this, we get... It's like Erica's on like a little,

like one of those children's roller coasters at the fair. Going up and down, up and down. It sounds like our imitation of Lydia from the OC because she was always always shaking her shoulders. Oh! So then, Rinna finally does... Poor Rinna.

Rinna's spending so much money on damn Ubers. No, that's exactly what I was thinking. She's driving all over the city. She better be delivering some things along the way. Maybe some pizzas in the back. Maybe her daughter has toasted up some bread that she can deliver around the city. You want some toast? Who wants toast?

We have a new startup. It's called Toast You. You come, and we deliver toast right to you. This is the shawl you wear to toast things in. All right, I'm going to be delivering them all over the city, Yolanda. I'll stop by at your house. It's an hour away from me. Oh, well, this was the fuckpad. So this was just Westwood, I guess, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just over the hill, Yolanda. I'll stop by at your house. It's an hour away from me. Oh, well, this was the fuck pad.

So this was just Westwood, I guess, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just over the hill from Renna. Yeah, that's not as bad. So she goes to see Yolanda. And Yolanda is looking at her because Yolanda is ready for a fight. She's wearing her non-makeup makeup, like her brown face, where she just wears tan makeup and then brown eyeshadow so that she can still wear makeup, but we know she's sick. She's wearing that, and she's looking at Rinna like she's ready to fight.

But then you can't fight with Lisa Rinna because she's like, white jeans? I love them. I love them. Where have white jeans gone? Can anybody tell me? I mean, I'm not saying that in a racist way. I'm talking about denim. I'm not talking about, you know, white people.

I mean, I don't know many white people named Gene either, but it's funny. I got a couple at the basement. Although Gene Kelly, he was a great dancer. I wish I could dance like that. I got two left feet. I mean, not literally. I mean, I don't want to make fun of anyone who has, you know, crippled

in that way. Is crippled the right word to say these days? Oh my God. I caught up, got caught up in a conversation about crippled people. I mean, I engaged in the chatter. Sorry. Let's just say that. I mean, I feel terrible because like, you know, I don't know what crippled is and you know, you know what the guy with two left feet, I mean, you know, that, he might be just like foot abled. If anyone needs a crutch, it's my personality. Am I right? I mean, do people even use crutches anymore?

I think they use those scooters now. I mean, I don't know. I just engaged in chatter about, you know, pharmaceutical needs. Yolanda's like, what is this? And get out of my house. You've made me fatigued. You have lived in this country long enough to learn the English. Okay, Lisa Rinna?

I was speaking English. Oh, my bad. My bad. So Lisa starts this whole thing about outside chatter. Lisa Rinna acts like she's been caught talking to the Taliban on the Snapchat or something. Why is she talking like that? It's like I got engaged in the chatter. It was just chatter.

And I got engaged. It's like the Patriot Act. Like no one is listening to your phone lines, Taliban talker. What are you talking about, lady? Be quiet. I know. Well, it seemed like it was like Yolanda was the godfather and she had come to to kiss the ring you know and and make sure like her her loyalty was known like i don't want it to get i don't want you to hear that i was talking about munchausens which you may have but i didn't want

to i don't i feel bad that i doubted you even for a second. And Yolanda, what is this munchy mouse and Mickey mouse and poop and poopins? I've never even heard of this word. How could I have this if I've never even heard of it? I have 9,000 diseases. You think this is the one I don't have? Get out of here. This is not my business.

I like that Yolanda is saying, get out of here now, too. Get out of here! So Lisa tells her this, and then Yolanda's like oh i can't believe someone would say that i'm making this up like who would say that and then lisa and then actually it was funny that lisa was the one who put in her head who was like oh you're you're tired now aren't you like lisa did not want to be there anymore she's like oh i know you don't want

to talk about this you're tired now you're Yolanda's like, I am tired. Feel my hands. They are sweating. Oh, look at my eyes. Oh, feel my ankles. Oh, God, I'm dying. Great defense of the idea that you have these psychosomatic illnesses. Someone's like, oh, you look tired. Oh, yes,

I am tired now. Look, I was awake, and then suddenly I'm tired. But it's not all mental. Lisa's definition of Munchausen is hilarious too. Yolanda's, who is this Minnie Mousens? And she goes, well, it just means that you don't really, you're not really sick. Oh, really? This is disease?

What kind of disease is not sick? This is called health. It's the worst definition ever. Munchausen means you just don't want to go to school today. Oh, really? The Bella disease. Yeah. The three children's disease.

They don't go to school. What do you call the drunk driving disease when you are supposed to be home reading about biologies? What do you call the drunk driving disease when you are supposed to be home reading about biologies? What do you call that thing when you need attention from someone so you're drunk and driving so that way people stop talking about the GGs and stuff? Is that Munchausen's when you want attention from your mother? What is disease where you don't have to go to jail for hitting Ben Farine with your car?

What is this called? have to go to jail for hitting Ben Vereen with your car. What is this called? What is disease when you don't go to college because you have to be modeled like Gigi? What is disease when you go to community college when you are 47

and retired? What is disease when the other one is not a girl but you want him to be a girl like Gigi? Aquanetasen. The next scene is everybody getting ready for the party. Okay, so we skipped this part, but they were going to look for a party place because they're going to have a Moulin Rouge party.

Yeah, so they go to the Culver Hotel. Which is so hilarious. And of course, Yolanda doesn't show up to the one party where people would actually applaud when she dies of consumption. And like sinks off key at the end. Just imagining Yolanda on a swing over the entire crowd. In a bathrobe. Come watch me! Limehausen.

me lime house it's also the one theme where erica can show up in her regular day-to-day clothes and look normal yeah like the first time she's ever fit in with this cast i know it's like fishnets fishnets in the booth stay okay i bet paté le pouce paté le pouce come on man Okay, okay. I bet. Pate le pouce. Pate le pouce. Come on, man! Okay, I'm going here. So they end up getting to the party. I'm kind of skipping some of this because I don't think anything happened. I was writing really dumb things down. It looked like a sweltering partytering party i'd like to add it looked like there was no air conditioning also by the way lisa rena looked

fantastic gosh i mean i don't know how old she is but she looked about 15 years younger i thought i like the hair maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's... No, I liked that she did the Robert Palmer hairstyle thing. I thought it looked great. I think it's a shame that Harry won't let her grow her hair longer. She should. Who won't let her? I'm sure. I still want to be fucked.

Oh! I wrote down that Kyle's a bitch for naming her dog Chloe because one of her best friends is Chris Kardashian. I know. Why would you name your dog after Chris Kardashian's daughter who has, like, image issues? Yeah. Not nice. Huge image issues. Kyle's a bitch.

She's like, look, Chloe, I've named my dog after you. And then she's like, why is Chloe in the bathroom crying? Who did this to Chloe? It's like, you did, bitch. To be fair, perhaps they named Kim Kardashian after Kim Richards. So, you know, turnabout's fair play. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey.

And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less,

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some, as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of.

But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death follow academy on the wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts you can binge all episodes of academy early and ad free right now by joining wondery plus uh so we all have tributes we don't want no go ahead go ahead say it no i said we all have tributes we don't want. No, go ahead. Go ahead. Say it. No, I said we all have tributes we don't want. Yeah, every Ronnie. Well, there was Ronnie Reagan, the president. But otherwise, they're usually killers of some kind on Law & Order.

That's like every time I see my name, they're like, oh, Ronnie did it. It's like the rapist. I'm like, thanks a lot, Law & Order. Jeez. I have no name pride. Well, there's Ronnie from Jersey Shore. So that's fun. Yeah, another great one. Thanks, thanks ben thanks for piling on yeah so we're at the party now everybody looks ridiculous and uh it's hot out taylor taylor by the way this this party did not do good things for taylor poor

taylor's in the background the combination of the heat and her makeup and the lighting she literally looked like she had pulled from Nightmare Before Christmas. Like, she looked crazy. Total crazy. The real zombie housewives of, you know, Pasadena. Where do you think she lives now? Gardena. Where is she?

I love the word Gardena, though. Taylor is probably in, like, I don't know uh maybe valley village maybe she's a real housewives of la quinta in motor avenue real housewives of recita so yeah she real housewives of la canada flintridge um they all looked a little weird uh erica and uh katherine were talking at the bar kind of i don't know getting to know each other. I don't know. And Catherine, they're automatically kind of liking each other, which is hilarious. And she says, yeah, my husband's much nicer than me, which, you know, guys get to do because women have to be meaner. You know, like we have to be a little defensive because, I don't know, it's tough for being a woman.

Which it is. I mean, watch watch these shows i guess you do and then uh erica goes yeah because if a woman's a bitch everyone calls her a cut fitness and then katherine don't say that that word's disgusting you're too pretty to say come no i'm not no don't say it. Please, don't. I love the rationale. You're too pretty to say that. Meanwhile, watch Faye Resnick walk and be like, Ugh, that person over there is such a cunt. Catherine's probably like, Yeah, no, you can get away with saying it.

You're ugly enough to say the same. You're ugly enough to say a nasty word. I mean, you basically look like the guy who trained the teenage mutant ninja turtles whatever that rat's name was so the next thing up let's see okay so now kyle is at her own anniversary party just acting like such an asshole trying to start shit so badly she goes up to lisa well lisa saw faye at the bar was like ms resnick yeah that was a nice frosty moment and it's like well hello darling she's like hello oh you look marvelous

tonight might i say yes and then lisa's got like her chubby gay next to her like you're gonna hit her lisa you're gonna hit her what are you gonna do do something i'm on tv lisa was basically giving her like tv lisa was basically doing that cheap sci-fi thing where someone stares and like purple lasers come out of her eyes and does like does like in mind control i wish there could have been a microphone inside faye resnick's head because it would have been like you will walk away slowly now perhaps make a joke about tequila, but you will vacate the spot at the bar right now. She's like a Cylon. Yeah, exactly.

And there's some weird theremin in the background being like... Nine other Lisa Vanderpumps come in and shoot the whole party dead. Like, the Cylons have taken over. It was Lisa the whole time. If the Cylons were all Lisa Vanderpump, like, I would gladly give our planet over. Go take it. Have fun. Number one is Lisa Vanderpump in the 60s.

Number two is Lisa Vanderpump in the 70s. It's just like going decade to decade. The entire Cylon race. So she and Faye had this funny thing, and Faye is trying to be nice, but Faye is fake too. She's like, hello. You know how Faye talks. How do you feel? But, you know, well, you know, okay, so it's weird.

I feel weird standing up for Faye in this instance but like she is being fake but what else is she is she supposed to do just be like a bitch she's you know she was just like oh hi she made some nice small talk she's like well i have to go i've got to bring this tequila while it's still cold you know she didn't you know that's what i would do i would be like i'd make some patter i'd be like oh oh i have to go over there there's a um a ceiling fan i really want to look at. I want to try and color match the dark gray of this room to turn Kyle's trays that I'm turning into Paris's trays. For the closet, that's going to be a smaller version of yours. Okay, enjoy yourself. I hope someone comes around to mush up your food soon.

Okay, I'll be over there. Lisa's like, well, it could have been worse. It could have been sitting at a table and Stassi Schroeder could have shown up. Oh, no! Lisa was sitting there giving her the nastiest look. It was so funny. She's refusing to be nice.

And then Faye goes, oh, I have to take my fiancé tequila. And Lisa's like, oh. She says, yeah, my fiancé really needs his tequila. And Lisa says, I'm sure. Such a bitch. I love it. And the other thing is this also.

But this is what I'm trying to say to Rinna. At least she doesn't care. She's a bitch and she's a bitch. And that's it. She'll be a bitch and just be a bitch. She's not a bitch and then cries after it for five episodes and let me tell you something also okay it's a big bar lisa did not have to go to that exact spot to get her drink she knew what she was doing she wanted to go there and ice out

fay she's like and lisa held her end of the bargain she didn't say anything nasty to fay but she sure was cold i mean i don't know why Faye needed to take the tequila anywhere to make sure it stayed cold. She just had to keep it right there in front of Lisa. It would have been nice and chilled. Yeah, Lisa's nasty. I love it. But on the other hand, she could have been getting a lot of money donated to her by the Chunky Gay.

Like, I'll fix a dog with alopecia's hair if you go slap Faye. Lisa's like, all right, I'll do it for the dogs. But meanwhile, so then Kyle goes up to Faye and is like, did Lisa say anything mean to you? And Faye's like, no, it's perfectly nice. And she's like, are you sure? Okay, because I told her not to say anything to you. And Faye's like, no, which in and of itself is a pretty incendiary thing to say to someone. But so then.

Typical Kyle. Well, she wanted to, but I wouldn't let her. I told her not to. Are you sure she didn't? Were you listening? Did she say something with her eyes? How was her hat looking? Did she say something with her eyes? How was her hat looking? Did she say the C word to you?

I know she wanted to say the C word to you, and I was going to be like, okay, I'll get Catherine on the other side of the room, so that way you can say it. But then I said, don't say it, though. Wait, don't say it, because that's mean to Faye. I was hoping she would say something to you, so I could ask you what an orangutan is.

Oh, she called you that. Did I tell you that? Oh, it was so mean. I told her, don't call her that. But whatever. he called you that did i tell you that oh it was so mean i told her don't call her that but whatever um but i don't remember this is before or after kyle's traditional moment of splits but then at one point uh katherine and katherine and lisa are sitting on like a banquette like trying not to melt in the heat of that room and then kyle comes over and is like so did you is everything fine with you you saw fay right like

you didn't say anything to fay right that's such an instigator were you nice to fay were you mean to fay what'd you say to fay so ridiculous lisa's like don't start with me i was fine with her and i was fine with her the last time and then katherine falls right into it well i'm not okay with her she wrote something about me in some book 20 years ago and she starts like rolling her head like don't talk about me don't say you know me she never has she has no end game to her insults she's like you know she was saying these things about me and it wasn't it wasn't nice i was dragged into it it's's like bullshit. And you know what I have to say to that? You know, like, that's not, you know, I didn't like it. Yeah.

Yeah, she has no winning. Catherine is a dud so far. I hope she gets one. I don't mind her. Hate her. I mean, don't hate. I don't have, like, fiery, passionate hate for her. I just think she's a waste of my time, okay?

We've already got Eileen and Yolanda. I need somebody to do something. Rinna refusing to do anything. I think Yolanda is more of a waste than Catherine. I think Yolanda I think there's more upside with Catherine than there is with Yolanda. Yolanda's at least fun to make fun of. Catherine, I mean, what do you even make fun of? She's just

some dumb girl with a rich husband. She'll, you know, I'm sure they'll leave stuff that we can sink our teeth into sooner or later. Yeah, hopefully she'll learn to converse soon. So this turns into some weird fight with Kyle now because Kyle's trying to start a fight between Lisa and Faye and neither one of them are biting. She tried to start a fight last week with Catherine and Faye and neither one of them are biting. But now Catherine is biting because Faye is not there and Catherine's a huge wuss. is biting because Faye's not there and Catherine's a huge wuss. So

Kyle starts fighting with Catherine about Faye standing up for Faye which is so stupid because you brought her here on purpose to fight in the first place. So Kyle's like, okay, I'll take it. I'll just fight with this girl instead. Well, even if taking a less cynical view

because Kyle and Faye are friends and this is her 20th anniversary party. So okay, so Faye is there along with Lance Bass and you know, okay. It makes sense. Faye is there, but Kyle knows that Catherine has a problem with Faye. Kyle knows this. Catherine has said it to her and Catherine's reasons, you know, even if she hasn't read the book, like I kind of, you know, I think Catherine's reasons are pretty legit for being annoyed, like, you wrote about me in a book and dragged me into the OJ scandal, and I wasn't there before, and it really bothered me, okay, that's legit, so now Catherine's saying that, Catherine probably would not have said a thing if Kyle

wasn't pushing the Faye issue, again, and Kyle's like, what about Faye, you know, Faye's a really good girl, da-da-da-da, and then Catherine's like, well, she wrote about me, and now, then Kyle goes running off, like, I don't think it's really, it's, like, not cool, like, like, Faye is's like, well, she wrote about me. And now then Kyle goes running off. Like, I don't think it's really cool. It's like not cool. Like, like, Faye is like one of my best friends. I can't believe she said that at my anniversary party. Like, you know what, Kyle, don't, you know, don't bring up Faye to a woman who dislikes her. But she's doing it on purpose.

Kyle has started every drama on this show and none of them make any sense. Like, everyone is so confused. They don't even know what the drama is because Kyle is so bad at it, but everyone's so stupid that she looks like she's really good at it because she's basically orchestrated the entire season almost single-handedly and people are so stupid they keep walking right into it.

You know, there are two Kyle Richards. There's raging bitch Kyle Richards and then there's like, who Who me? Like Portia Kyle Richards And when she's doing the who me She can be really annoying Because it's not authentic And it's a very put upon persona

When she's being a raging bitch It's fantastic Because she is such a bitch And when she goes after people It's great, that's why last season was great Because she let out her bitch and she was going after brandy and she was screaming at brandy and screaming at kim that's the kyle i like because it's the real kyle and she is a bitch on wheels and it was what we saw in season one and then you know she's trying to be nice again

let it loose kyle we're gonna love you why i will never be able to like Kyle. Her best friends are Faye Resnick and Kris Jenner. They're both human pieces of trash. Then Catherine says, well, when did you meet Faye? Like, that's going to be some kind of fight. Catherine's so stupid. So Kyle says, 1994. 1994, that is the year Faye. Yeah.

That's the year Faye became famous for becoming like a druggie whore who betrayed her dead best friend. That's what Catherine was alluding to. The fact that like Faye was on the up and up. And of course, that's when she became friends with Kyle because Faye is a social climber. Well, so is Kyle. So is Kyle. Yeah. Yeah.

Kyle's the worst. She wasn't even married then. This is going to be her 20th anniversary. So Kyle was still, you know, some youngish sidekick actress. And it's bad enough to be a fame whore and to just want to be friends with people because they're famous. But to be friends with people because they're famous from that and in that way, you're a disgusting human being, Kyle. And just to quote Stassi, disgusting. Okay? You're gross. You're always going to be gross. Gross, gross, gross, gross.

Like Chris Jenner's article last week. Oh, I loved Nicole Brown Simpson. She helped me through a miscarriage. And then your husband defended her killer. Fuck you guys. You're all gross. That's pretty much the episode, right? So, you know,

I'm sure there are a lot of... I wonder if Faye Resnick's book is available on audible.com. I'm not sure if it is or not, but guess what guys? Um, here's, I'm trying to find my podcast copy. I'm like, wait, I was about to read it. And it was like the instructions, like strategic placement, strategic placement of audio ad during the program is critical to success. No, that's instructions for us. I'm reading like the instructions. See, that's why I was confused.

I'm like, where's our copy? If Audible does have this, I hope it's read by Faye's voice because I would love to hear Faye reading like, and then there was blood all over the floor, which is not very ladylike.

I just told OJ, can we move past this now? Audible has achieved success in advertising with Paul. No, no. I found it. I found it. It's on the second page. Oh, oh, oh. Ahem, ahem.

Let me clear my throat. They have like five pages of things that are not that. I'm going to pretend I'm Lisa Rinna. Audible is offering our listeners a free 30-day trial membership and a free audiobook. Just go to audible.com slash crappins and browse over 180,000 audio programs. Download a title free and start listening. It's that easy. Go to audible.com slash crappins.

That's audible.com slash crappins to get started today. That's audible.com to get started today. Audible content includes more than 180,000 audio programs from the leading audiobook publishers. Also broadcasters, entertainers, magazine and newspaper publishers, and business information providers. Is there any more companies? So, you know, they have books like, oh, there the the steve jobs autobiography you can do read that one um and then there's like the one called i was how i invented the personal computer and had fun along the way by steve wozniak and if you really are really still want to read more about apple you can read icon steve jobs the greatest second act in the history of business.

So, I mean, right there. I know people come to this podcast to hear about recommendations about Apple's history, but like that's... But also, you know, Steve Jobs, new Bill Gates, and the black Bill Gates is now in Real Housewives of Potomac. So you guys, full circle, okay?

Yeah, it's full circle. So you can, no, for real though, Audible has like tons of things. It would actually be amazing if they had Faye Resnick's thing in there. I don't even know what her book is called. I'm not even sure if it's in print. But yeah, Audible has like tons of good stuff.

Yeah, any book you can get on there. Reading is for suckers, you guys. You have to sit in one place. You have to hold a heavy thing full of papers. Don't do that, you guys. Have it playing, and then you can be cleaning your house, you can be making dinner, and you can still be a literary person. Yeah, you know,

Room, by the way, is on Audible. The book Room, that's now a movie, the one that I'm still reading. Although that would be a really interesting book to hear narrated to you, because it's got a very specific voice. So there. Go to Audible and get Room, and then you can tell us what it sounds like.

I hope Audible turns into something like Siri where you can pick your voice to read to you. You can have just Erika Jayne reading Room. And then I wanted to go out of the room, but I couldn't. Tooth is my friend. So go to audible.com slash crappins. That's audible.com slash crappins and get started today. Thanks, everybody. Thanks, Audibles.

Thanks, Audibles. Yeah, thanks for advertising. We're so stupid, by the way. That copy was so easy. Like, yes, it was on the second page, but it's highlighted. I know. We were literally reading it. Okay, now it's time for our ad.

And we're reading the instructions. Like, please try to put this in the middle. Because that's when people like to listen. We're like, wait a second. We're dumb. Okay, so you want to do a little newlyweds before we move on? Yeah, we're going to do a newlyweds palate cleanser before we go back to Beverly Hills for Vanderpump Drools. So which couple would you like to talk about first?

First, I just want to say that this was the saddest group of Thanksgivings we've ever seen on TV. Okay, the entire episode, for the most part, three out of the four couples were celebrating Thanksgiving. And all of them, it was so sad. I just wrote down, we slaughtered the Indians for this. Yeah. Let's talk about Rob and Tara first. They're like, that's the Persian and asshole couple. And he is awful.

He is absolutely awful. They're both awful. They're both awful. She's terrible, but he's worse. Yeah, he is, but she's just as bad to me because she's using him as her mouthpiece because he's doing all the things that she doesn't want to do. So she's trying to get away with this. Oh, I'm just young and pretty. I just married a mean person.

No, you're a bitch and you married a mouthpiece to go against your family because you don't have the balls to do it exactly so basically what happened it's thanksgiving uh and uh basically um tara's family is her sister is doing a big thanksgiving dinner and rob is like i'm not gonna go first then first he does the old like ladies of london thing he's like well you know i'm an american and i grew up with like turkey and and fixings and stuff like that and there's not gonna be turkey at your persian thanksgiving travesty you know yeah why'd you marry a persian stupid and second you don't want to do it the way you grew up because you don't you don't even speak to your family like all you've talked about is how horrible your childhood is and you don't speak to your mom who's still living.

Stop acting like this is some traditional thing because in America, traditionally, you have it with your family. And America is made up of all kinds of families, okay, bitch? My Lebanese family had a lovely kibbeh and sfiha Thanksgiving every year and it was just fine. We still had to was our pants after as much as tara is an instigator and we'll get to that in a second as much as she's an instigator i think it is pretty gross that this guy is putting turkey over family in for like a big family holiday you know because they ultimately wind up going to this really cold and impersonal Thanksgiving dinner where the two of them eat on the lawn at some restaurant or hotel. It looked like the least fun. Yeah, they're eating on a golf course.

Yeah, it looked like an absolutely terrible way to spend Thanksgiving. And meanwhile, I mean, he's like, well, you know, first he starts with this bullshit of like bullshit of like well they're not gonna have turkey there and she's like well no actually they will have turkey my sister's gonna do turkey but even so it's like i can't believe you would like keep this woman from her family because there's not gonna be turkey like guess what go to like the deli and get yourself a turkey sandwich later on and guess who else does that abusers that's like a classic classic when a man is or a guess. Cutting her off from the family. Usually it's a man who's trying to keep the woman away from her friends and her family and isolate her. That's a total abuser move, dude.

Yeah. And for someone who's written a self-help book, please. Please. So then he starts doing this thing about, like, I don't feel welcome. I don't feel welcome. Well, maybe if you weren't such a dick, you'd be more welcome. You know? Yeah, it's your job, too. Where's your accountability?

I know that you've been married 20 times, but it's the spouse's job to ingratiate themselves with the family. Look, I know that they need to make some effort, too. But they are making some effort. Exactly. They're inviting you over. And he said, well, they were mean to me the first time we went over for Thanksgiving. Because this idiot he married this chick leaves her husband like how long were they married she got she gets married to some guy the whole family

on him yeah the whole family's in for this wedding they throw her this huge wedding they're all happy then she starts cheating on him immediately and leaves him for this guy who nobody knows and after basically boning the affair guy for a month she brings him to thanksgiving and expects everybody to be nice yeah i'm sure they weren't very nice to her either okay and that's the thing because then he starts he starts harping on the fact that two of her sisters never came didn't come to the wedding and he's like it's so offensive he's like like he showed they showed me where i stand i'm like well maybe the burlesque dancers well maybe you know like did you ever think that there's a reason why they didn't come

like where is your accountability maybe there's something you did that made them feel unwelcome something about what they're doing to make you feel unwelcome you know exactly and think about this douchebag they didn't come to a wedding because you're an asshole and then you prove that you're an asshole by taking a traditional persian family and then hiring strippers to offend everybody right at the fucking reception give me a break you're making no effort both of these two all they do is say fuck you to family they've got like some ish both of them have it teenagers rebelling against it yeah and and he every every episode he has a lot of really underhanded digs at persian culture which is actually it's actually

like getting pretty offensive you know like at first it's like well you know it's one thing to be like to to you know reference like differences between cultures whatever jokingly but at some point it's like oh no he actually has a huge disdain for his wife's family and culture and i'm sorry you married it you can't just like marry her and then take her out of her culture that's just not that's not acceptable and now to be fair so on her side here's what she does so she goes um and goes to her parents house and her i think it's her sister who's there with her and they're like sitting on their plastic furniture and plastic covered furniture and they're like are on their plastic furniture and plastic covered furniture. And they're like, are you coming to Thanksgiving?

And she's like, no. And then she was like, because Rob won't let us. So I'm like, well, that's not going to help anything. That's not the way you handle it. That's not what you say. Like that's just going to make things so much worse. So she is also, you know, she is contributing to this problem massively. And then does anything she can to her family, even when they're not on camera, especially when they're not on camera.

Like after her Thanksgiving dinner, she whips out her flip cam, which is very popular on this show. They always got flip cams. And they're sitting on the balcony after their dinner. And she goes, Rob, Rob thinks I'm mad because he hates my family. She said something like, Rob's mad because I wasn't excited about Thanksgiving because he hates my family. She said something like, Rob's mad because I wasn't excited about Thanksgiving because he hates them. I just wanted to be around my family, but he hates them. And then gets him to talk about how he hates them some more.

Just so that can be on TV too. You guys are such hateful little cup fitnesses, the both of you. Terrible people. You're both awful. I cannot wait until you screw each other over i know uh they like he is he is totally terrible and uh i i just i don't know i just i really it really bothers me the way he he talks about her family like he doesn't have to like love her family but he has to be accepting of it in some

way he's totally an abuser he's totally isolating her and he is the worst yeah um although then we also have adonis and the girl oh my god this girl i don't want to talk about like that i don't want to talk about your dad being a polygamous so yeah Thanksgiving, so I don't want your dad to come over, because if your dad comes over, then he's gonna disrespect me as a woman, I don't know. But I'm realizing that something... I don't know what I'm gonna do, maybe. So, like...

Oh, okay. Why are you eating the cucumber? Because it's delicious. Well, it's for the salad. Adonis is going to take me salsa dancing. Hey, Adonis, are we going to go salsa dancing? He's like, can I get some chips with that salsa? That's really funny, Adonis.

Adonis, you're going to be such a popular comedian, Adonis. And she gets this weird laugh because I guess he's doing one thing for her after all of this. I guess he owes her that after the 14 Brazilian hookers. But he does this one thing by going to a salsa class with her. And she gets so weird in this class. She changes her laugh. It turns into... It sounded like somebody

coming up from almost drowning in the ocean. She did it like... She is. She's drowning in his beard. It was so weird. They're like one two one two three one it was creeping me out and then it went back to her normal laugh in other scenes so it's like did she want to sleep with the salsa tea what is her deal this girl she's so weird i cannot figure her out that's the dead eyes i'll dream of this show. Yeah, she is. She is literally like a fish that was caught in a net.

She flopped a little bit, and now she's just sitting there, big-eyed tuna. This show. And then, so then the dad, the dad and one of his ladies comes over for Thanksgiving, and Adonis is like, Hey, dad, I'd really appreciate if you don't talk about polygamy in front of whatever my wife's name is he's like all right and then meanwhile in the kitchen she's like

let's make let's make stuffing and so then the wife says how are you doing honey and she's like it's just really hard because i'm really jealous like if adonis is with anyone else i get jealous like she's baiting the woman to talk about polygamy like with that opening well and who else would you open like that to a poly i'm not a polygamist a polyamorous lady she didn't listen the polyamorous woman was like listen if you become polyamorous you're not going to be jealous because it's natural for people to look at other you know other people and if you're polyamorous it's all cool so that will go away i'm like no the what what this girl needs is not polyamory to get rid of her jealousy issues she needs to like a pair of glasses so she can look at adonis and realize there is no one else on this planet who will want to sleep with adonis you literally have to be paid that's why he went

to 14 prostitutes exactly watch his credit card credit card bill, girl. That's all you're going to need. Yeah, exactly. The other thing this girl needs is a job. She needs to keep her damn self busy. She needs a job, and she needs some self-confidence, and she needs a Match.com account because she's married to a leech and a loser, and it's not gonna work out his i looked at his twitter account and it's like his the main picture on twitter account is him like sitting on the hood of his lamborghini with his big baggy like crappy crappy fitting jeans i'm like you are such a douchebag why don't you get like unfortunately yeah unfortunately there's no caption for him to say waiting for triple a yeah he's taking that picture while that shit's broken down on the side of the

road yeah so this the polyamory wife i guess was i don't know wife or girlfriend one of them so she's talking to her about this and she's this was creeping me out too because polyamory doesn't really creep me out i mean it used to but i've met a few people i guess who were into it and uh one of the one of my neighbors used to be polyamorous and she's like basically it just means I'm a slut which kind of was like she had a boyfriend and then they had all these people coming in and out of their houses and stuff and she always had like sores on her lips I mean sorry I'm not saying you're all like that but she was and uh fine like everybody is up to their own thing but I'm a big believer in hoe pride you know be proud of it but this woman she is talking

like she's proud of it but the things she's saying was making me sad she was saying well we're working on her spirituality because the spirituality is teaching me to just let a man be who he is and when i start getting upset at societal norms my spirituality informs me that that's that's old and that's not the new no bitch that's called your man is out fucking a million people and you're just letting him and when you get upset that's kind of natural okay yeah she's like trying to make herself this for this guy yeah talking about buddhism i just don't like it because i don't like when people preach at me you know like i don't want i don't like to be told if in an unsolicited way, if I said, you know, I feel like there's something missing in my life, I wish I

knew how to deal with this. Or sometimes I feel like I'm attracted to other people. And I feel a little locked down. Oh, well, try polyamory. Or if someone I'm like, I don't know, I think I need a spiritual like, shake up. I'll try Buddhism. Like this weekend, someone was talking to me about, um, like some, like, you know, I was talking about how I don't like a lot of fruits or whatever.

And someone started saying like, Oh, you should visit this doctor because he'll tell you what sort of a body type you are. He's in Koreatown. And depending on the body type, you'll get to like certain foods are your superfoods and certain are not your superfoods.

They'll make you drowsy. And you should really go see him. It's really important to know. I'm like, I don't, like, please don't. No, please stop this. Stop telling me what to do. Like, I don't care what my superfoods are, all right? I would rather eat all my non-superfoods than to be told to go visit a doctor in Koreatown, okay?

My superfood is a ThinkFan batch. Yeah, it's a ThinkFan batch. But, like, I mean, the guy's perfect. You know, he's a really sweet guy. I like him. But it's like when people do that it really gets under my skin and that's what this woman was doing yeah she was being really bad um but of course by the way this entire podcast is us giving unsolicited advice to all these people on bravo but you know yeah but to their face we'd be nice that's the difference i mean if we met them in real life we'd be like oh because you keep your inside thoughts inside generally i mean you don't just go telling everybody off

in real life we're we favor resnickett yeah totally you look beautiful by the way you look beautiful in honest but when the polyamory wife says it happens in the wild honey i'm thinking uh this is phoenix okay this is not like some national geographic show where we're all just like killing you know dough to to stay alive this is fucking phoenix yeah yeah um so then they all sit down for thanks again a very sad thanksgiving just four of them uh not to say that you can't have a good thanksgiving with four people but this was a particularly sad looking Thanksgiving especially when half of the dad's family is kicked out of the event

just to be friends with his son again they're sitting there in fluorescent lighting and dry chicken and there's like three dishes on the table the girl is sitting there she literally has a piece of turkey and a bun, like a biscuit on her plate

and that's it, I was like this is terrible Adonis decides to take his dad back into his life as long as he doesn't bring around girlfriends and doesn't talk about polyamory and of course the dad keeps doing it anyway yeah but adonis says dad i just told you to stop and then his stupid wife whatever her name is is like she's like oh you're picking up for me oh i feel like she's i feel like he's nice this is this is all i wanted yeah yeah yeah Yeah, whatever. Then we, next we have. Let's go to the angry couple. Yeah, Roe and.

The Bickersons. Yeah. Robin Roe. Robin Roe. So they make up after their fight last week. Fine, you want to go to get a divorce? I know where the divorce court is. I'll gladly sign it.

And this week we open up with, let's make up and have a baby. Oh, that'll fix every relationship. So yeah, this week they're being supportive. And now her big story, you know, she doesn't, she's, her dad's not in her life. And it's all kind of like a lead up to the fact that she's going to have a,

like a phone call with her dad. And he's supposed to call and then he doesn't. So they go to the movies instead. They also have sex, like in the middle of the episode. And then, and then he doesn't, so they go to the movies instead. They also have sex in the middle of the episode. And then the dad calls. And I was actually surprised, because this is the only part I thought that was noteworthy.

Again, they also had a tiny Thanksgiving. I believe that all the Thanksgiving episodes were shot in June, by the way, because they just had Thanksgiving with the two of them burning a turkey. But then the episode so then the episode ends with them like the dad calls and i actually was surprised that i actually found it to be very affecting i thought like you know i was surprised that i actually got a little caught up in it and it was a sweet moment and i you know like those were i thought those were like real emotions and he was you know they basically pledged to start a new relationship together so you know it was nice man deadbeat dad who gets out of your life totally

leaves you then doesn't call you when he's supposed to on thanksgiving and you have to go to a movie because it's so fucking sad and then he calls you later and it's like i am sorry for that darling i think the british accent goes a long way point i'm like get out of here you're a fucking loser and is like, I am sorry for that, darling. I would love a relationship at some point. I'm like, get out of here. You're a fucking loser. Hang up on his ass and start your own damn family, hopefully in Jersey City or Hoboken or somewhere. Start your blog, start your kids.

Some people deserve a second chance in life, and I hope, obviously, she's doing this because she's broken in a lot of ways from that. That's awful. So I'm glad she has another chance with it, but I don't know. I've learned that men don't really change that much. So get ready to be disappointed again. Sometimes if they've left your whole

life and they've stayed gone your whole life, it's usually best to just be like, bye now. I mean, the guy didn't even call you when he was supposed to on Thanksgiving now. Yeah. Well, we'll see. I guess maybe next week she's going to be like, yeah. So then, speaking of starting a family, we then have our gay couple,

our new Twitter friends, Brandon and Craig. They listen. Hi, Brandon and Craig. Hi, are your feet cold? My feet are cold. Are your feet cold? My feet are cold. Thank you so much for warming up my feet.

Honey, my feet are cold. I just love to Runyon Canyon. I have like, I can't believe it. I have a millimeter of fat on my body. I can't believe, this is terrible. I can't believe how fat I've gotten. Crystal, I'm fat. I like when he said, I went to Runyon Canyon because I'm taking these fertility drugs and they're making me so fat and so i had to go

running i went to run in for sperm i'm like oh my god i'll bet you did girl this guy has like an amazing body and he's talking about i have a ring so you have a ring around me i have a ring around my waist i'm like please just please stop you've also got one around your finger okay it's justified when he said when he said i have to keep working out because it's really important that you have to keep working out because men are sexual and brandon goes honey i just want you to make the bed i know well i love that it's also like an interesting insight that craig is like well you know i have to look as good as possible because, you know, men are sexual. And if you're not in great shape, you know, the guy's just going to leave you. And Brandon's like, oh, I don't care what sort of shape you're in.

And Craig's like, oh, OK. I mean, like you were sort of expecting Craig to say like, oh, and I don't care what sort of shape you're into. It's like, oh, OK. I guess we see where Brandon sits within Craig's eyes. You know that you know that divorce court he'd be like but he got bad your honor this whole case your honor i love brandon he's wonderful but he's fat now and i i feel like for me and my brand i can't be with a fat brandon do you know how hard it is to do pot of berets around office cubicles on Jay Leno when you have a fat husband?

It's hurting my brand. Your Honor, I spoke to Crystal and she said it was okay for me to divorce him. So I don't really understand why we're here. Crystal said it was okay. She was eating ice cream, but we're not technically married. So it's okay if she got that. So Crystal, oh, sorry. No, it's okay. It's so crystal oh sorry no it's okay it's okay i heard a breath and i was like let's do it so no the thing is with crystal is that so crystal is

craig's um uh best friend since they were five and they're total besties like a sister to to craig and you know crystal seems great actually i really liked crystal but i just love what he's always talking about crystals like everything is about crystal he's like honey isn't this pasta good it reminds me of fucking crystal makes pasta crystal makes the best pasta and brandon's like honey i don't want to feel jealous of crystal i mean if the baby's mom is going to be crystal and you only talk to crystal i'm to feel left out in my own house. He's like, honey, I don't make you feel left out, but I love you, but I love Crystal. Crystal's like my sister, and you're my husband, but she's like my sister and my wife.

Honey, that's gross. But no. Brandon's like, Craig, I wouldn't be saying these things except for the fact you're always loading our fridge with Crystal Pepsi. Well, if they made Brandon Pepsi, I would get it too, but they don't. I used to buy Crystal Light, but then she got mad after she had her baby and gained weight. Brandon, I'm just saying that maybe if you were a nicer person, maybe they would make Brandon Light. But I loved how like... As long as they don't make a brandon fat

um so the funny thing was that i mean craig i mean brandon was such a third wheel like literally yeah he was totally right he knows how to call it they were i mean brandon i mean like i said brandon is like the smartest of everyone on the show and uh when they go to pick up crystal from the airport and they come back to the apartment and like craig like holds the door open they walk in it's like crystal crystal's daughter craig door slams and brandon it was totally fred they totally fred flintstoned brandon you see brandon knocking You see Brandon knocking. Craig Ramsey. Brandon was that cat.

That cat on the Flintstones just left out there. Craig's like, God, it's sort of quiet in here. Wasn't there someone else who was supposed to be in this apartment? I don't know. Maybe it's just a ghost. Oh, wait a minute. Someone has to be the pizza guy. Brandon.

Where's Brandon? Where is he? Do we leave Brandon at the airport? They, like, open the door to go out to the airport. Brandon's like, oh, thank God you opened the door. They're already down the hallway to the elevator. Gotta get Brandon. Brandon's like, I'm right here.

What? What was that, Crystal? Your voice sounds so deep. Let's get Brandon. The door closes. Brandon's locked out of the apartment again, but Craig and Crystal are already on their way to LAX. Oh! I guess I'll go to Tiago.

So funny. And then they're pouring wine craig's pouring wine he's like so crystal what sort of wine do you want she's like i'll have some red and brendan's like i'll have a white okay one red honey i wanted wine too oh okay and then crystal's looking like oh god how awkward because she totally knows what's coming. So Brandon says, Crystal, I would love to have some alone time with you. And Craig's like, why? Why? What are you going to do alone?

Well, I think that me and Crystal should have some alone time to get to know each other. Why, though? What are we going to talk about? Craig's totally going to, like, you You know that night, Brandon's going to be relegated to the couch. Well, you wanted alone time so you're now alone on the couch. See, it's perfect and Crystal's here. Crystal's so good to cuddle with.

Crystal, I'm so glad you finally are here in our apartment. Brandon, could you go back to Crystal's hometown and make sure her house is okay? Brandon! Brandon! I miss our body pillow. Could you go back to crystal's hometown and make sure her house is okay brandon i miss our body pillow could you bring it in here so brandon takes uh crystal to get a mani pedi and crystal's pretty cool you know tells her right up front i really like his style because he's like okay crystal here's what i'm worried about you're so close with craig i do not want to feel like a third wheel in my own home with my own child and this is my issue because you're close and i get jealous i mean who speaks that clearly like he said every

single thing so clear i'm like what like i can't believe you're like a hairstylist you should be like a crisis management expert that's kind of what a hairstylist is a good one that's true and and because i mean he basically lays out he's like craig calls you his his wife and that's kind of fucked up and the funny thing crystal like you know we're so used to reality shows where people make everything about them and be like i can well she's like oh okay yeah no oh yeah i get it oh no, we'll, you know, no, we won't let that happen, et cetera. And he said, he calls you his wife, and he also calls you his sister, and I'm from Utah. So I do not want to marry his sister wife, okay?

And she's like, oh, yeah, that's creepy. Okay, well, I'll just have the baby, carry it for nine months, drop it off on your doorstep, and then I'll just never call you again. Does that sound good? Okay, great. Glad we had this talk. Now, thank you for paying for my mani-pedi, Crystal. And you know once that baby is born, Craig's going to name it Crystal. I just want to name it after the parents.

Crystal. Okay, fine. I'll name it Chris. Middle name, Tal. Last name, Light. Other'll name it Chris. Middle name Tau. Last name Light. Other middle name, my favorite. Okay, whenever it's your birthday, we'll sing happy birthday, Crystal. Okay?

I hope you don't mind. I gave our car to Crystal. This was pretty cute. I'm looking... Oh, I did write... You know brendan may be upset but on the bright side at least crystal will make the bed the next day you know yeah that's true you might have the relationship you're finally looking for buddy yeah i like when crystal left after your man i like when she left she's like bye gays oh how funny she still does a long ass brandon i wish you were funny like Crystal

Do you want to try being funny like Crystal You know who's the funniest Brandon Crystal Actually it's really great you know I feel like the one on one Time I had with Crystal it really helped her Oh my god wait sorry I was just thinking back to this joke that Crystal made It was so funny oh you weren't there

Brandon Oh I was going to flip cam it but i accidentally sent the tape to crystals sorry what were you saying brandon well i was just gonna say that you know i feel like i got a lot closer crystal because the one i want oh wait brandon you know what i just remembered remember that time when we went to that diner and sat Saturday night and was like so fun. Oh wait, no. That was me and Crystal in high school. Oh my god. Look, I want to make this crystal clear. I

love her too. I love that Crystal left looking so much better. She looked like she had a makeover by the time she left. Like a weekend in an apartment with gays. She left looking like she was ready for television. She looks fabulous.

Yeah, she had her makeover. Well, I mean, Craig and Brandon are like a one-man makeover machine, except they're two men. I mean, you go, you get into shape and nice hair. That's all that the gays need. They're going to look great for the rest of their lives. They'll just make each other look great. For the rest of time, they'll be looking good and asking each other if their feet are cold crystal's feet are never cold

oh my god crystal you have to tell them about the time your feet were warm crystal remember that time we flew together and you sat on my feet because they were so cold brandon no offense but you're not warming up the feet i like my feet the way i like them crystal nose has this method where she puts her hands around my feet it's so good oh newlyweds hey brandon remember that time you came to me and crystal's wedding in palm springs and we spoke but was really i was really getting married to Crystal. That was so nice. Brandon, you're the best flower girl ever. Love you. No, Craig.

I was actually participating. That was our wedding. Was it? Because Crystal was there. You're so selfish. Why does everything have to be yours? Crystal is the answer. Crystal is the answer.

I love when he did that. It was like, Craig, I don't think, I'm not comfortable with Crystal being the surrogate. the answer i love when he did that like it was like it was like craig i don't think like i'm not comfortable with crystal being the surrogate well that's too bad because crystal is the answer she's the answer to everything i like that i like craig o'han jeopardy this continent this country formed in 1831 was once a municipality of larger europe crystal crystal's always the answer alex what is crystal what is crystal crystal is the answer he goes on wheel of fortune there's like

three words up there i'd like to solve the puzzle crystal what was kim richards doing in the bathroom at pump crystal Crystal! You won! Here's your new car with feet warmers. Oh, God, now you really don't need me. There's a passenger seat and a seat for Crystal. Right in the middle. Congratulations, Craig. You managed the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune.

You get to choose one of the envelopes. Okay. Oh, it's $25,000. One, I thought Crystal was going to be inside. Crystal's always the answer. Crystal, are you in the envelope? Crystal? Crystal?

Let's move on to the Vanderpump Rules, shall we, Ben? Rules. Okay. Vanderpump Rules, yo. So we open up with Jax and britney talking about the big arrest and jacks is doing more of his fake crying i mean we see a lot of fake crying on bravo but this was some of the worst fake crying well i mean all he does really has coke boogers okay like you've got coke residue in your in your tear ducts please stop trying to front

young man yeah and he's like i'm just so embarrassed like you know i feel like i really let britney down i'm like you did not let britney down she's staring at you her eyes are bling like and all she's thinking is i'm gonna be famous i'm gonna be famous i'm gonna be famous i'm on tv now yeah and jack's god i don't even have any deodorant or a toothbrush. What else is new? Like, tell me something we don't know. Here's something.

When did Jax move to Koreatown? Yeah, I thought he was still here in Hollywood. Isn't that the same apartment? I thought that he lived right on Fairfax and Sunset. That's what I thought, too. That's what I thought, also. But who knows? It's a little gay town.

So he doesn't have anything but uh but so ariana has actually got his bag because the the rest of the kids brought his bag back from hawaii and uh of course ariana is like a little little gray storm cloud it's like when you play mario kart and you get the gray storm card cloud that's like over your little car that's what she is she comes over she's like oh can't we have to drop off a bag for jacks like he's lucky we're such good friends like from now on anytime he like anytime i need a favor from him i'm just gonna be like remember i brought your bag to you you didn't donate a kidney just calm down she is so sour when she said uh there was something that we found out in this scene, though. Jax said something like, I didn't even need the money for those glasses. It's not like I needed the money to buy those glasses for my girlfriend.

You were going to steal those glasses for your girlfriend? That's even worse. That is so gross. Look, babe, here's some $700 sunglasses, babe. Yeah. Thanks, Jack. This girl's so happy to be on TV. You could punch her in the face, throw her down the stairs, and, like, run over her, and she'd still date you.

Yeah, she, I mean, she is, she's got stars in her eyes. Meanwhile, back at Sur, all the gossip is about Jackson. We got to see all our favorite secondary or tertiary characters gossiping. It was like Christina Kelly talking to Lauren, the hostess, being like, did you hear? Jax got a Russell Thornhill. Who does that?

It's Oliver Radar-Lon. Radar-Lon. Even the chefs were like, save the plot, hide the plotters. Yeah, they're like, hide the plates and the knives. He'll steal them. And James, my favorite was James being like, he's a klepto, klepto.

He loves the rush of it. He's such a klepto. Well, he would know. He would. That's a meth rush. Meth people are always stealing, Kim Richards. Yeah. Yeah, James and Lala, she was hilarious.

I mean, stealing sunglasses sunglasses that is so gross i mean if he was a sexy drug dealer with tons of money i mean that's hot but sunglasses i like lala standards yeah very important in a hoe yeah no she has classic hoe standards she does uh she wants either drug crime or white collar crime but not this petty theft um so i like that um like at one point i think that like so sheena came back i think this is when she came back to the restaurant and she's like i had to stop laying out because i was so tan wait say it again i had to stop laying out because i was so tan oh they go over to christian's house oh that's where it was i was trying to remember where she said it.

Katie's like, oh my god, you guys are like, ugh, look at your tan. Ugh. Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, literally, like, right past an orange stand, and the oranges were, like, jealous of me, because I'm, like, so tan. Like, I finally reached my goal shade, which is

potato. I want to look like the outside of a potato skin. If I get pregnant, my baby's going to come out the color of russet. They may be cheaper potatoes, but they're sturdier. So then Kristen sits down and she goes, what the hell happened with Jax? I'm like, this woman should have a career in TV investigative journalism. She'll just sit down with the president of Iran. What the hell is happening in your country?

She could be the new Nancy Grace. She could just be like, you did it. No, I didn't. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. No, you didn't. You did it. I know you did. I know you did. Eat some pita bread. Eat some you didn't. You did it. I know you did.

I know you did. Eat some pita bread. Eat some pita bread. I cut it up. Listen. Listen, President Amirjabad. I know we have, like, a past. But, like, I'm just trying to make amends.

And if you're not ready to admit what you did, that's fine. But, like, I know what I did. So you can admit about the nukes. He's like, what is this? What is is this american program i don't get it oh my god that president loved me so much that he sent people to blow themselves up for me tom never seriously seriously seriously why don't you talk about the nukes like i'm fucking hot like why aren't you telling me about the nukes i'm five nine and fucking gorgeous like tell me seriously seriously name one chicken i ran hotter than me one there isn't one okay i win hot seriously

she gets the bottom of it it's always summer on my tinder Hot. President Ahmadinejad is moving into my apartment after like one week. Like, seriously? Seriously? President Ahmadinejad was complaining that it was 160 degrees in Iran. I'm like, that's nothing. It feels like air conditioning's on me because I'm hot. Seriously, guys? Seriously?

I literally am ordering an Uber for President Ahmadinejad to come over. Seriously? Seriously? it's just easier i'm totally taking care of president amadeus rabat okay like at first it was just like fun you know we're just like making out but now it's like oh it's like too much like i don't know like how do i tell him to say it's like too fast present i'm just wrong i'm like get your donkeys out of my apartment seriously seriously this isn't a garage like how much flatbread can i have seriously i'm on low carb i like when she says she goes what the hell happened with Jax? And both girls at the same time go, classy felony. Like, seriously? He fell on his knees. No, Sheena, it's a term felony.

I like that these girls pretend that they know what a classy is. They keep saying it over and over. A classy felony. Well, they probably think it's a type of car. Oh, my God. He just got a classy felony? That's so fancy. I mean, Jax is gross. but at least he got a classy felony.

It's not like it was a gross felony. It wasn't like class gross. I hear his felony has anti-like rakes. It's the first class Jax has gone to in a really long time. Hope he learned something. Like how not to ruin my trip. Like, this is supposed to be, like, I know it's his birthday and everything,

but, like, way to overshadow our whole trip by buying a fancy new car, okay? Like, I don't care if your felony can drive by itself, okay? Like, so what? Great news. Still on our trip. Classy, Jack. I'm classy.

Sorry. I'm sorry. still on our trip sorry so there the talk moves on to this Kevin guy who's one of Jax's friends in other words a free loader who doesn't brush his teeth who's gonna take all of your shit and sell it on Craigslist

have fun with that and then Kristen but I'm hot so like I get it like he's in love with me like he told me he's in love with me and he wants to move in with me in other words he cannot afford another southwest ticket back home so can he stay here for free and use your vagina occasionally yes i think this is one kristen says i know i'm fucking awesome i know i'm a great catch you know what else is a great catch red snapper you know what else is a similar catch monk Monkfish, okay?

You know what's a great catch? Flounder. Have you ever seen a monkfish? That was so weird. I'm sorry. Oh, yes, I have seen them. They, like, hang off the side. Yeah, they, like, if you go to, like, a fish stand, they, like, hang off the side. If you go to, like, Pike Place, they literally, like, hang off the side of, like, the fish stall.

They're huge. Yeah, like Kevin. Get out of my house. There's imprint of kevin on my couch um so uh out there stop talking about me i know i'm hot so meanwhile um over elsewhere in the great city of los angeles britney finally got a job working at hooters she finally went back to her favorite company for those of you who don't believe in fate yeah seriously here's britney in a hooters uniform shocker finally a job she could show up in her underwear too and still be accepted and jax has a vip 50 off card for hoot, by the way, he's implying that she gave it to him.

You know he just stole it off of someone else's table. So Jax and the Toms go there, and they're just, like, talking and just talking. And meanwhile, Jax is, again, boasting about his great relationship while he's simultaneously checking out all the other waitresses. Yeah. He's like, I'm really in love with britney and like god these waitresses are hot what the hell and then he gets a phone call from the sheriff in hawaii and the sheriff is like uh we have a warrant for your arrest and goes uh my lawyer's like taking care of that so okay yeah meanwhile like the best thing about Jax is how predictable he is. You know, they had no idea where he was like, well, why don't we just try a Hooters?

They call on the house phone. Yeah. Do you have is there a Jax there? Yeah, actually, there is. Perfect. We're going to call him right now on a cell. Has anybody used a stolen 50 percent off card for wings today? Yes. Please put him on the phone Yeah Hello So meanwhile Meanwhile Kristen's grandmother Shows up at her apartment which was really

Oh wait I'm sorry that was Stassi Has arrived officially A mom with her hair up wearing a giant Like royal blue bathrobe Dress She looks ridiculous. I mean, I feel bad because she has gained a good amount of weight. She's back to her amazing race weight.

So I do feel bad because I know that's very important to her. Your body remembers, you guys. You can lose 100 pounds, but your body wants to be 100 pounds bigger because, let's face it, it's more fun to eat things. And Stassi's beautiful. I don't even care her weight. She just dresses like

a mom. Drop the mom, dude. Enjoy being things and stassi's beautiful like i don't even care her weight she just dresses like like mom yeah drop the mom dude enjoy being 25 or whatever the hell you're 30 her styling is all wrong stassi stassi like ronnie said you're very pretty regardless of whether you are like rail thin or like normal weight which is basically what she is now but like you're pretty but you're styling yourself so wrong and she has her face is full of makeup i imagine she's probably trying to contour the fuck out of it mj style but um she just looks so dowdy she does i'm not talking about kristen dowdy she's so funny she comes over and kristen's like do you want to drink and she she says, I'm on antibiotics, so just wine.

It's more like organic-y. Grapes. And she actually said, well, finally, I have a nice boyfriend, and I can't even make it work with him. So, like, maybe I'm the asshole. And then the editors go, ding! Yeah, you can see the camera being, like, up and down, up and down. Even the cameraman's nodding. But the best part, though, is so they're talking about this guy. What's his name up and down, up and down. Even the cameraman's nodding.

But the best part, though, is so they're talking about this guy. What's his name again? Kevin, right? Kevin. Moved in. And I love that Stassi is like talking about him and Jack and all the people. And finally she just goes, what is wrong with these people? I'm like, yes, it's classic Stassi.

Yes. What is wrong with these people? So they're talking about how Jax steals things. And we learned that when Jax visited Stassi's dad and his girlfriend in New Orleans, Jax stole the girlfriend's agent provocateur stockings or leggings or something like that. This guy, that's a very specific thing to steal and kind of weird. Yeah had a whole uh clip of all the shit that jack steals like everybody talking about all the shit he steals i love that and then stassi's like he stole this wallet that he gave me she's showing this wallet and she's like and then i fell in love with it and then i found out that it was stolen but like i feel like it's mine i didn't steal it

she's like until the british museums give back all the antiquities to greece i'm keeping this bag purse wallet until we hand the olive garden over to the indians this wallet is mine so get in line um so then i think i think we go back to the guys i think the guys are still at hooters right because i just have a note that says the guys are talking about what a slut Kristen is. They're like, yeah, Kristen likes to sleep with guys. Like, apparently she had a boyfriend when she started sleeping with Tom. She obviously slept with Jax when she was with Tom. And now Kevin has a girlfriend.

Like, basically they're saying she knows that Kevin has a girlfriend. And she's just putting up this front so she doesn't look like a total slut. Because she wants to make good with Stass to call her a slut yeah sounds about right to me yeah um and tom tom's like judgmental thing with jacks is so funny like he's so much better like look you are better first of all you are so much better than jacks okay i know that was a misstatement you are but yeah um you still got with kristin which is a huge thing against you yeah then you got with kristin when you found out she had another boyfriend so you were cheating so that's bad and then you totally cheated you did cheat on her but they were gone in two so shut up yeah um and then kristin was talking about kevin again i love how kristin's doing this whole

thing like she's so over kevin she's like i liked him until he became a stage five clinger i'm like do you realize do you remember even season two and three of vanderpump rules like if this guy's stage five clinger i mean you are like you have i don't know where where's she at like 134 i mean i've been to the spiritual home depot okay i'm working on myself she is full-on a metroid attaching herself to samus she is beyond clinger she's like a political bumper sticker that won't come off your goddamn bumper like what the hell do they make those things out of i don't know she's like when you buy a new pan at like at like tj maxx and you can't and you can't get the the yeah lose off the damn it's raw like i can't cook with this until I get the glue off of it.

She's basically a Dukakis sticker. And just as useful. How dare you linking her to Olympia Dukakis, though. That would be a bumper sticker right by. Hit her. Hit Weezer. So now, either way, Stassi is going to move in with kristin and kevin's going to get the couch and stassi and kristin are going to be in the

in the bed together now the exciting time we go to villa rosa where jacks is going to get his come up not come up and he's gonna get scolded by lisa but before she does, they show a close-up of Hanky. I was like, oh, Hanky's mad. Even Hanky's embarrassed for Jax. Hanky's not even just standing in front of that statue right now. He is swimming angrily. Hanky's like, I'm not angry. I'm just disappointed. Lisa's not.

She's pissed. Yeah, she is pissed. I'm loving Lisa's righteous anger. I think it's so hilarious. Yeah. And like i said before lisa comes down drinking a diet coke instead of and wearing black and wearing black wearing black so you know she's pissed and then jacks has a jacks asked for a drink and she says you don't

deserve one which is hilarious because in the episode before this on beverly hills she's refusing kyle sugar because she was a bitch and now she's refusing Jack's because he's a bitch. Meanwhile, it's just that their pantry is just very low, so she's just going to disguise it by saying what they deserve and what they need. Meanwhile, both of the miniature horses have been pooping all over the yard, so they're dehydrated

and dying in the barn Muhammad built. Meanwhile, Hanky has a little cocktail for himself. Hanky took the last of the drinks. I'm sorry. Hanky has finished off the tea. With sugar. So I love those. So Lisa's basically like, this is a pattern that you have.

You keep taking things that don't belong to you and you think it's okay. It's like a girlfriend or it's things or items. And Jack even starts to say, this is the first time I stole something. Like he literally starts to say that. I'm like, did you not see the montage about how you steal things the guy is delusional and then he goes i'm not a bad person lol yes you are you're a cheater a liar and a stealer that's like what a bad person is dude all you need to do is murder somebody. And Lisa goes, If it walks like a duck, if it talks like a duck, it's hanky! If it walks like

a duck, talks like a duck, it's a loser. Unless it's limping. Now, if it's limping, I'll take that duck and I'll make it my project. Limp on, duck! If it walks like a duck, if it talks like a duck, if it steals sunglasses and shits everywhere, it might be hanky.

That's Lisa's new stand-up routine. You know you're a hanky when you shit everywhere. Then you might be a hanky. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, unless you're a hanky. In which case, it's okay, because hanky needs me to survive. If you need to be carried into the West hollywood veterinarian's office then you might be a hanky jacks actually says i'm gonna pray to keep my bartending job first of all you start praying now what the hell you think god's up there doing he's like oh okay never

mind those sunglasses or the girlfriend or the people that you cheated on or all the shit you stole from villa rosa or the truck or the pantyhose. Okay, I'll let you keep your job bartending. Dude, get a life. You're 40. It's great to keep your bartending job. I know. And then he goes, Jax is like, well, it's more than just a good job.

It's like my home. And I thought at that moment Lisa would be like, oh, Jax, all right, you can come in. And he has a free pair of sunglasses just because he didn't get the last ones. But no, she actually was like, she stood her ground and she suspended him. And then he looked back like a sad dog when he was leaving. He's like, hmm. And he goes, I just have to remember that when I do things, it doesn't just affect me. It affects other people.

I'm like, congratulations, you're 36. You learned something that every eight-year-old knows. Congratulations. Oh, Jax. So, Tom and Ariana. This really pissed me off. You know why? Hmm.

She's sitting there with a brush full of white paint, dripping it on the carpet. What is wrong with you, Ariana? I'm guessing she's thinking they're going to redo this floor. That's not going to happen. You're renting. She's like, I can't believe they just put a carpet under there. What am I supposed to do? You know what?

I'm just so over this paint. Everything in this apartment is something from Tom's old girlfriends or something. You mean Kristen? Yeah. You're finally getting around to cleaning the Kristen out of that apartment. Nice timing. That apartment looks so dirty and gross. I know.

I know. I think it's actually Ariana's been pretty good for that apartment. So looking forward to seeing how that works out. I wonder if they'll keep the penis painting. Yeah, they're kind of boring me. They're talking about how it's Sheena and Shay's anniversary and blah, blah, blah. And then Ariana says, well, think that uh it's hard between me and sheena because she's jealous of me which we said last week i think that that's true too and

not in the typical like she's jealous yeah kind of way no she's right yeah you know she keeps her girlfriends in relationships and most girlfriends don't yeah she's not going to be spending every day with sheena listening to her problems with shea you know yeah so then um we go to like a bar at the alley and uh it's like kristin it's like kristin and jacks and and they're talking about something what were they talking about about like they get moscow mule shots which i thought was very funny i don't know why i thought that was funny but then but i just like jacks is like i don't have a job so britney has to pay for those because in hindsight britney has a job and kristen's like that's not hindsight i was like that's bad when even kristen is it's like schooling you that made me lol that's not hindsight

you go you know kristen maybe you are maybe you have turned to leave maybe you are crawling back into our hearts well you know kristen kristen's still the the crazy she was she's just doesn't have anybody to fight with right now because yeah she's been kicked out she's pulling a stassi you know everybody's nice until they get back in that's why you never let them back in the house okay so this guy kevin comes along and they're basically grilling him like do you did like did you have a girlfriend when you were with when you got with kristin do you have a girlfriend now and he's like well you know like here's the thing i mean like no but like i mean we're like talking and like well does she consider you your boyfriend like her boyfriend he's like well i mean yeah and then and then he's like kristin's like you're a douche and he's like why I wouldn't want to be and he's like why am

I such a douche he's like why am I such a douche I'm like oh shut up because Kristen already knew all this she's just using using it as an excuse now because she wants him out of the house which she does she's like by get your things out of my house I'm five nine and fucking beautiful i can't believe this shit seriously seriously like is it impossible to find a good guy in la like yes just stop your sentence and also the guys are talking the same way about girls because guess who's the girls you yeah a lot of yous it also does not help that you seem to hang out exclusively with douchebags i like when jack said yeah kristin like kristin will spend she'll stick with the guy years beyond his exploration date

i'm sorry you should be out exploring by now christopher columbus it's 1493 where do you what you think you're doing christopher columbus get out there i would have been exploring but i was in jail. Stassi and Christian's place. Well, so this was odd because Stassi was wearing her blue bathrobe dress again, and now her hair was down, which made me think that they just filmed this scene right after the last one.

I was like, this is really crazy. And she couldn't even change clothes. She's like, look, I had the budge for like one episode. Like, if you guys were going to extend me, I need like a separate budge. Yeah. So she, first they're like talking about apartments and stuff, and then she starts talking about like one episode like if you guys were gonna extend me i need like a separate bunch yeah so she first they're like talking about apartments and stuff and then she starts talking about the sex tape thing and we learned that this guy was someone who worked at villa i'm sorry sir and he basically walked in and asked for nine hundred dollars i was like oh poor stassi that's a really

low number that is really low i mean you could have made like five thousand dollars that shit on your own i know that's like a week of ubering come on now she's such an asshole though first she says she can't find an apartment because jack's fact fucked up her credit hilarious yeah second in her interview thing she's wearing this dress that looks like the it looks like a lifeguard what are those things you wear on a boat so you don't drown not a lifeguard a life jacket yeah it's like a bright pink life jacket dress like it's big and padded and weird looking and then she calls christian a total squatter trade-op which is hilarious but then she's such a bitch about this sex tape she's like lisa gave him 900 and i was like you gave it to him in cash and

didn't make him sign anything? What's Lisa supposed to do? Draft something up with her lawyers? I mean, come on. This is what you do. You pay him off. I mean, Stassi is lucky that this guy doesn't have a copy of that sex tape on his laptop, and he probably does. Obviously not

because it is now. I'm sure he would have released it he's probably trying to get more than nine hundred dollars for it no one's paying i don't think anyone wants to see stassi masturbating stassi wouldn't even pay nine hundred dollars for it's like i'm not paying him yeah she literally would not pay it she's like fine release it i don't care she's like this is the hottest i've ever looked go ahead um no kidding now she's probably like, release it. Release it. So now we go to Sheena and Shay's anniversary. And this is a new segment that I would like to call In Case You Were Wondering. Okay. And here's the way the segment works.

In case you were wondering. I think I'm going to just try one of each of the Prime cocktails. And that concludes the segment, In Case You Were Wondering. And that concludes the segment, in case you're wondering. She's sitting there with her addict husband, looking over the drink mini, going like, I only got one of each. He's like sitting there with her addict husband looking over the drink mini going like i only got one of each he's like sitting there trembling he's got like the shakes practically like drooling like and then she's like i think i'll have this one don't you love the flavor of tequila don't you like love that special burn it gives in your chest but then gives you that fizzy feeling i think i

want to have that he's like we Well, she orders it for him, and he was like, bring us two. I know. And then she goes... I feel contradicting sometimes. Yeah, I feel contradicting because I'm like, don't drink, and then I'm like, here, have a drink.

But it's like our special day. It's a special occasion, so... You know, I think it's pretty worth it to knock him off the wagon. You know, because it's our special day, sir. You know, I think it's pretty worth it to knock him off the wagon. You know, because it's our special day. And then stupid Shay. It's really frustrating because, like, I have somebody and, like, she's, like, counting my drinks. But, like, it's not worth it to fight because, like, she's hot.

And then Shayna goes, it's not like you're an alcoholic, okay? You're not an alcoholic because you don't hide bottles, right? And then, like, you don't, like, sneak out of bed and then drink and then, like, come back to bed and pretend that you didn't drink. So, like, you're not an alcoholic! He's like, yeah. His eyes darting left and right. Yeah, no, of course, I don't do that at all. And she literally goes, look, it's easy.'s easy don't be shit face don't be a

boar it's called a happy medium okay it's such harmful language for someone who may have a dependency problem to say to think that if to be sober is a boar is so harmful like that's she says the i mean to say don't be shit face that's fine but don't don't equate sobriety with being a bore. Oh, woman. Oh, I think I'm going to have my favorite part when she said that line, though, to be in the scene. I like lost my shit because, you know, when we do our impersonation of her, obviously we're we're over the top. You know, we lilt our voices and everything. We do that strange thing with our throats.

But when she said it, she sounded exactly like our crazy impersonation of her. I mean, let's listen to it again. I think I'm going to just try one of each of the prime cocktails. What?

I think I'm going to just try one of each of the prime cocktails. I want her and Erica to do what? I want to have each to do what? That was Sheena texting right now. I can't believe you guys are podcasting about me. Why am I putting related garments?

Oh, why am I putting related garments? What is... Oh, my God. Okay, so James and Lawler are modeling together, which, I mean, what a sad company. And it's owned by these brothers. And he goes, yeah, this company is, like, all about... It's called Related Garments. And it's because, like, most guys don't think about matching their socks and their underwear. Finally doing the good work. Oh, my God.

They're both Hanes. They're both stained Hanes. Okay, I win. Do I get a startup? Could you imagine if this was your mandate in life, to raise awareness of matching socks with underwear? Well, that's people who want a business, but they can't come up with an idea.

You know those brothers who are going out to bars for weeks. Like, all right, brah. All right, brah. What's our business? Post-its. No, that's been done, man. Underwear. No, it's done.

Socks. That's done. Matching socks and underwear. We did it. You can feel rich. There's no greater shame than the feeling when someone points out that your underwear and socks are not matching. It's a terrible, terrible thing. If anybody is pointing that out, you're about to sleep with the bossiest bottom ever.

Get him out of your house immediately. Not going to be any good for anybody. So speaking of garments, so then Stassi has decided that she is going to approach Lisa Vanderpump before the restaurant opens up because she knows if she wants to make amends with everyone, she has to start with Lisa. And she's in this big old green lily pad dress. Well, I mean, it looks like a lily pad. It doesn't have a lily pad pattern. And she's like, I feel like green is an apologetic color. You've just cracked me up

no that's an i'm about to overcharge your ass for groceries you can get at ralph's for like two cents okay it's like the organic revolution it was all grown in shit people way to remind lisa of the money she spent on you okay by wearing green i'll ven i'll venmo it to you i like that everybody says that now just venmo me just venmo venmo me the sex tape money i feel so bad for paper i accept bribes over venmo so ven blackmo blackmail mo um so uh so then so so stassi shows up and lisa who obviously knew stassi was coming by, Lisa's going through books, like, pretending to do something,

and then she looks up and she's like, Oh, but this old lady has a lot of work to do. That's right. That's good old-fashioned Lisa Vanderbilt not carrying grudges. The last thing you said to me, don't you remember, old woman, with a staff of drug addicts? And then she says. No grudges.

Hashtag no grudges, though. Hashtag no grudges. She says. You can say what you want about me because I'm used to it. But don't diss my staff and don't diss my business. No, no, no, no, no. I was like, well, she hates our asses. We're never going to be allowed in there.

I know. She's like, do you know how hard we had to work to get a decent tuna tartare on the menu? Do you know how difficult it is to teach an entire staff to pronounce Chilean? We're still working on it. Do you know how hard Chef Penny works? Do you know how hard? Do you know how difficult it is to put salmon and cream in a blender and make a mousse? Do you know that? Do you think a goat cheese it is to put salmon and cream in a blender and make a mousse? Do you know that?

Do you think a goat cheese ball turned itself into a goat cheese empanada? No! The staff did that, darling. The staff that you call stupid drug addicts. That deep fire doesn't operate itself. And then Lisa went into her full-on lisa mode do you remember what i did for you

i've done everything for you this is a great episode for lisa she really got to like you know hold everything over everyone's heads this time jack sassy to do yep yell at people and talk about how much she did for them and then st Stassi tells us, she gave me a job as a waitress. What do I owe you again? I'm like, bitch, you're on TV. It's like, please don't like apologize and give us these crocodile tears and then simultaneously be like, whatever. She barely did anything for me. She's like, she gave you a career.

Okay. You're currently on the show that she owns. Yeah. That's what she did for you. She stopped your show that she owns yeah that's what she did for you she stopped your sex tape from happening that's what she did she chose you from a bunch of waiters to be on television then she bought a sex tape then she tried and got you a job when you were pretending you wanted to be a fashion photographer and she actually got you a stylist gig or whatever the hell she was doing at that time and she complained about

that too like basically it just means i'm working for free yeah as most people do as they learn a trade you have learned nothing that's why you do nothing lady yeah exactly and maybe you could have learned something from being a stylist that perhaps would have helped you from turning into granny chic or whatever you call it it Awful, awful, crazy, flowy Golden Girls dresses. Age inappropriate, I should say. She's like, well, and Lisa's not having it. So Stassi tries and pulls out the tears. And Lisa's just kind of like shaking her head at her while she's crying.

And she's like, darling, it seems so convenient. You know, now you want to be here. Which means like now you want to be back on TV, so you're trying to be nice to me, which is totally true. And Stassi's trying to pay her back. You know how hard it is to swallow my pride? This is really hard, Lisa! And so Stassi pulls out

$900 in cash. She's like, here, I brought you this to pay you back. And Lisa's like, what the fuck? Don't give it to me. No, no. It's ridiculous. That's insulting. I will not take that money. Besides, Max has already whacked himself off to that thing about 900 times. So we're even, darling.

So then Stassi gets up and she's like, oh, you hate me. And that's when Lisa says her famous line. You're not important enough to hate. Sit down. That's so mean. That's so mean. Okay, look, if you're're gonna fight with lisa do not just use kyle quotes yeah don't mind if you come at her like kyle richards she's already swatted that bitch down like a hundred times she's not afraid of you when you say you mean she's

automatically putting you in a kyle category and you're never gonna win bitch exactly and honestly like you can't spend your entire reality TV career just saying nasty things about people. And then the moment that Lisa comes at you hard, you're like, that's so mean. I mean, it's classic bully, but get over it. But Lisa, though, was having the best time. I mean, underneath the facade, she was laughing and doing a little jig because she was making this girl cry. She was just beating her down. She was. It was like the best day of her life. And she actually made her sit back down. She was like she was just beating her down she was it was like the best she actually made her sit back down she's like no sit back down and then she does

and she she's like you're mean and then lisa goes all right here's what i want to know what is it that you want i mean what are you doing here what do you want and uh stassi's like i'm just trying to make a man's No, you dropped friends. Do you know what you've done to people here? You dropped friends. How did you feel when Katie got engaged? Do you know who Tom came to to show the ring to? Me.

That should have been you. That should have been you. But it was me. It was me. And where were you when Lala came in? You should have been there making fun of her. But who was it? It was Sheena. How do you think that makes me in? You should have been there making fun of her But who was it? It was Sheena

How do you think that makes me feel? Can't swallow your pride Do you honestly think in a cast like this Someone's going to invite you back because you refused to swallow? Get out! And be nice to Lala on the way out Clear the mom caftan, darling Clear the Kyle clothes Clear the dress barn and eileen too

i like that she says this is how it ends she goes you've been really stupid now off you go and stassi goes out of there trying to cry And then Lisa's like That was so so so good I am really happy that Stassi's working her way in Because this season's been A little disorganized There's no dramatic through line It's just sort of like These flare ups

There's Lala and James and James and Jack But there's no like Driving story So I'm hoping that that sassy can sort of like oh man i've been loving this show i love it i love it but i just feel like compared to you know other seasons have been so epic with these you know again season two was about this cheating scam season one was about like jack's it was about stassi being queen Bee and about her and Jax. And they're on again, off again. And Jax with Laura Lee, whatever her name was.

I forget. I keep messing up her name. But it was about that. And then season two was about the cheating. And then it morphed into something much bigger and crazier. And then season three was about Kristen. They don't even all work there now. So it's getting really rough to have a show about waiters.

Most of that drama and all those lies come from working together and then getting caught telling everybody different stories and people gossiping but kristen's still a main cast member she doesn't even work there and now stassi's coming back as a cast member and she doesn't work there either and the rest of them just look way too old to be there anyway it's like if you went to see cats but they never changed the cast and they've all become Grizabella and Grizabella is like dead now she's just like lying on the tower or like on the tire

or whatever I just I just hope that the show doesn't turn into what the hills turned into which is that it's just sort of had like all these new characters and they just were just doing douchey but not fun douchey things I just I hope it can just sort of it's it's still in a much better place than the hills was by season four but um i just you know i i think we

need to have like a big bitch in the middle of this and more girl fighting and because the girls have been kind of getting along a little too well so we just need some more girl fighting and then i think we'll be back up to classic vanderump rules. There are some things that I'm just loving about this season more than any other. One is the Sheena and Shay storyline because it is just so wrong on so many levels. And it's hilarious to watch Sheena be that clueless. I'm really not liking Tom and Ariana. Stassi, Kristen's even cracking me up. Both of them are great.

Jax is still a douche. Loving Lala's weirdness. And I even like James, bitch. Hey, basic bitch. Can I have sex with you? No, I'm never going to have sex with you, James. But maybe then in the future. No. But maybe we could do it in the... No.

Alright then. Have sex with you on the flip side then. Babe. Babe. Basic bitch. I do like that too. I like that we're starting to see two different groups at sir um and i like that lala is trying to get into it's still like i still love this show i just feel like i would like it to have more of that central scandal yeah um and it looked like it was heading that way with the gay pride episode but it's kind of simmered it's it's now just sort of like the weekly silliness of these awful people.

I think they're going to have to do some major changes on this show. I just don't see how it can last. They can't have another season with Kristen not working there. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah, they both, Kristen and Stassi both have to come back into the fold. They absolutely have to. Yeah. I just, and please make Stassi be a busboy or something first.

That would be hilarious. Valet. If she makes her own son earn it from busboy level, that would be hilarious if Stassi had to clean up tables and stuff. Disgusting. Disgusting. Anyway, guys, thanks for listening. You can remember to support us on Patreon.com forward slash WatchForCrappins and get access at the very least to our this week's bonus episode which we recorded um mostly at the bagel broker uh from a bagel shop so that's

next week is oj also uh come join us come join the discussion at facebook.com forward slash watch for crappins remember that if you subscribe to us on itunes it's a great way to get the uh to get the show because it'll just download and like automatically into your itunes library onto your device you can also find us on stitcher anywhere else you google all that stuff um and then uh watch for crappins.com for all our other social media links we appreciate you guys listening to us and we hope you all have a great weekend and if you're listening to this on a tuesday well then guess what have a great tuesday we love y'all love y'all bye

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