Watch What Crappens - #265: Tossed Salads and Restaurant Wars

Episode Date: February 10, 2016

No "Atlanta" or "Potomac" this week; so instead, we're spending extra time with "Vanderpump Rules.' We weigh in on tossed salads, blog launches, and a fresh new song from DJ James Kennedy. You'll have to tune in to hear his new track. Then it's on to "Top Chef" for Restaurant Wars!!! Yay! 00:00:00 - Intro 00:08:09 - Crappens Mailbag 00:29:24 - Vanderpump Rules 01:30:40 - Top Chef Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

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is the funny, hilarious, and criminally-minded, when it comes to O.J. Simpson, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hurl-ya! Hello, Bean! Simpson, Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hurl-ya! Hello, Bean! Hello, Ronnie!

I hope everyone remembers that if the glove does not fit, you must acquit Ronnie. Free Ronnie! Well, my hands change sizes with my weight, so there you go, Johnny Cochrane. And you know, tensile strength of those fabrics can change over time, Johnny Cochran. And, you know, tensile strength of those fabrics can change over time.

So, you know. Everyone, thank you so much for tuning in to our podcast. We are the – I think it's safe to say, are we the number one Bravo podcast on iTunes? I think we can start bragging about that. I don't know. I don't want to say that because you never know. There's competition out there. We're the number one entertainment podcast in all the land.

We are the number one television show on ABC. Thank you for that. We are part of Shonda Rhimes' Thursday Night Block. Exactly. Who's going to argue with us? You can call us a liar in your car all you want. We can't hear you. That's right.

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And if you support us there, you get access to fun things like our weekly bonus episode. We just recorded it. We talked about the Super Bowl and about the O.J. Simpson, the people versus O.J. Simpson. Really fun episode. We also talked about parking at Whole Foods. So really, there's something for everyone there. And again, also another question about the crappins mailbag. People are like, how do I, how do I submit to the crappins mailbag, et cetera. Um, that is for our $5 donors. So, uh,

that's how you can submit. And please, when you do submit a question, leave it in the, in the comments portion of the, uh, crappins mailbag post. Because if you send us a message on Patreon, we're really bad about checking messages there. So we try to check it. We try to check them there. But we don't always remember to. Get it in the post, darling.

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The opening's done. We did it. Let's take a lunch break. Well, you know what would be a fun thing to do on our lunch break, Ronnie? Oh. You know, like maybe we should design a website. Now, I know what you're thinking. We're not

exactly web designers around here but we are creating an awesome website watch for croppins.com using weebly we still can't believe how easily how easy weebly makes it hell yeah um you guys if you it's created weebly is created for people. I'm like, whoa. It's so easy. I thought this was coming later, you guys. I'm so sorry. He's overwhelmed, yeah. Weebly is actually made for people like us. It's created for people with the courage to start their own business and dream of being their own boss.

You don't have to actually learn the code and all that crap to make a website work, which, trust me, giving me personal nightmares on my own. Yeah, I can only imagine how Katie felt on Vanderpump Rules. Took her three years. We were all really impressed with the wide variety of professionally designed and mobile-friendly themes to choose from at Weebly. Hell yeah.

You just drag and drop and quickly build and publish your site. It is too easy. It's too easy. Seriously, who does that? Who makes it so easy? My review for Wee it is too easy it's too easy seriously who does that who makes it so is that my review for weebly is too easy too easy like it is like it never in life do you want to be too easy okay we believe you're too easy like the entire cast of vanderpump's rules save katie it's too easy yeah yeah it's actually it really is too easy because now, like,

we're going to have websites from Stassi and from Kristen and Jax because it's too easy. Even they can make websites. Seriously? Seriously. You know what's going to happen? Kristen's going to make a website. It's going to be called seriously.com and you go to it and it redirects you to seriously.com. It'll say, one moment, we are taking you to a new website

seriously and you get there seriously oops we can't find you seriously 504 error bad gateway seriously who makes a gateway like that seriously oh my god you have a gateway computer

seriously but you can like truly customize and update and change your site anytime you want on any device which is super cool

so join the over 30 million people perhaps 30 million and three if you include the Vanderpump Zoologans including Jax's new sweater site

after he listens to this episode and Brittany's website that is like pictures of like nails um joy like literally actual nails that you hammer into walls look at this one this one looks like a pony i'm gonna name my baby rusty look this one's a long nail this one's a short nail there's so many nails oh jacks i'm so glad we can just sit here in your studio apartment and talk about nails. So join the over 30 million people who are already dreaming big with Weebly.

Get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch. weebly.com slash watch. We did it. We did an aisle. We didbly.com slash watch. Weebly.com slash watch. We did it. We did an A. We did it. You made the bomb Weebly commercial, Bean. We did a Weebly A.

Isn't that exciting? Oh, sorry about that. Didn't have it up here. I was thinking it was coming later in the show. No, no. A little surprise Weebly. You never know when that Weebly is Well, I cannot wait for our next segment. Is that the...

Crepit Smilebag! That's Sheena in the morning. What if Erica Jane moved in with Sheena? What was Sheena's song? How did that go? It was like... She's not that far removed from Cartman. I'm moving around on a floor. I'm moving on a floor. Dancing on a floor. Pajamas on a floor. Floors.

She's not that far removed from Cartman, by the way. It's like what Gretchen sounds like at the dentist. I was at the dentist earlier this week, and I was gagging up a storm. I have the worst gag reflex, I'll tell you. Oh, Ben. I know. I'm going to let that sit right there. Oh, and by the way, in case you forgot from last week.

I think I'm going to just try one of each of the Prime cocktails. That's Sheena's fancy voice. Yeah. She's trying to be fancy. puts all her words together that's how she talks when she goes to a uh fancy ball uh so speaking of fancy balls Our first question comes I wasn't even trying to make a double entendre

But fancy balls is also the name of Many people on Vanderpump Rules Fancy balls Fancy balls Fancy balls Get here Now you're gonna go and you're gonna serve this tuna tartar And you're gonna serve it with Get here, fancy balls. Fancy balls. Get here. You're going to go and you're going to serve this tuna tartar and you're going to serve it with a smile.

All right, fancy balls? Okay, so last week we didn't get to two things on last week's Krappen's Mailbag. So this is from Mary. Because it was Mary. Oh my God, Jesus' mother. There was a song in my sixth grade play called Mary. It was a really lovely song.

And it went like what I just sang. Was it Mary, did you know? Where they're like, Mary, did you know? You are pregnant. Did you know? It's like this sad song about Mary not knowing things. I've never really listened to the words. I'm just like, I'm glad Mary gets a song.

Mary has a few songs, by the way. First of all, she's lucky enough because Mary gets sang by Tina Turner. Proud Mary. Well, I mean, look what was happening to her during that time. God bless her heart. God bless her. She was singing about pride while Ike was beating her and being

a fucking ass Ike. Being a bad Ike uh the mary that we sang about in our sixth grade play it was like a song from like the 30s and 40s was like because it was mary mary yeah that's the one i mean just kidding what if they started singing that in church mary you got churches changing so fast i don't even know what they'll play next Mary your homework is to look up the song that's about you From like the 30s or the 40s Um

Cause you'll love it You'll be like hey it's me Mary says Mary's from the south I think Cause she says growing up I went to Cotillion I'm gonna read it in fake southern voice You guys don't have Cotillion? What. You guys don't have Cotillion? What?

You guys don't have Cotillion? Well, maybe we do. I don't know. Okay, sorry. Go ahead. So growing up, I went to Cotillion. It was an etiquette class and ballroom dancing lessons

for kids in fourth to eighth grade. Girls wore white gloves and curtsied and everything. No, I did not grow up in the South. Oh, well, I'm really... Mary's on top of it. She knew exactly what we'd be saying she knew she's like way to stop that accent people can put anything in the mailbag and we'll just read it it'll be like you two are both cut fitnesses and satanic i hope you go to hell we're like thanks for the donation

so mary did not grow up in the south so we're gonna scrap that accent uh so she says if you had to pick any housewife to start a new cotillion, who would it be and which housewives should attend? Oh, my gosh, a cotillion. My sister went to cotillion. That was the funniest shit I've ever seen in my life. My mother and my sister putting on ball gowns and getting claw bangs for cotillion. Well, first of all, I think, think again i i have to be tamra barney and i know i always respond with tamra barney to all these questions only because it's

called cotillion and it just sounds too close to cut fitness if you know what i'm saying a contillion contillion i wasn't gonna say it but since you said it i'm sorry we're it's not the c word it It's a plain cotillion. So at the very least, she would be the one spiking the punch bowl. Do they have punch bowls there? That was way too nice. Okay, the way that you, like, what was that thing called? Were you, like, half-bowed, but it wasn't really a curtsy?

Yeah, whatever. Okay, instead, you just need to, like, squat piss on the floor. You're done. Thank you for coming to Contillion. Tamara did take an etiquette class a few seasons ago. And they were like, okay, the small fork is on the left. The larger fork is on the right. What?

She's like, this is crazy. Just give me a napkin. Why do you need two forks, bitch? Like, what kind of bouncy cup fitness needs a double fork? Okay, welcome to Contillion. Here's how you're going to eat. There's going to be hot dogs. Pretend you're giving them a blowjob.

Then give them to Eddie to eat while you sneak hot dog buns into the bathroom, okay? We dress this salad with Hidden Valley Ranch. If you don't like it, go to a different Contillion, okay? Because she would have a giant salad there for some reason. This is a public email Facebook post to Hidden Valley Ranch. You can't hide from me, bitch. Hey, bitch. She's like ruining the reputation of Hidden Valley Ranch.

She's actually going to get re-baptized in a giant vat of Hidden Valley Ranch. In the center of the Cantillion. All right, bitches. Stop this ballroom dancing. It's time for me to get baptized in the honey mustard dressing. Alright, now. Now's the time for prayer, bitches.

Now get on your knees while I come around and slap you with a dildo. Stupid baptism sex party. That woman's too much. And then she gets into a tub of French dressing with Eddie and they have pretend sex. Wait, so who would go to the, who would attend? A hot tub full of hidden ballet rant with Eddie.

Who should attend? Who should attend Cantillion? Does this mean who needs to learn to be more of a cut fitness or I don't know if it's who needs to learn to be more of a cut fitness or who would just really enjoy the event

okay let's say if you're gonna go to Tamra Barney's Cantillion that's where you learn how to be a cut fitness right so okay every time you say it cracks me up. And I'm sorry, because it is a terrible word. But it's just, in this context, it's the funniest thing I've ever heard. No, your kids don't know what that is.

Okay. I mean, mom's in the car. Don't be mad at me, okay? It's like just a different, it's a different word. It doesn't count. I've kept my promise, mostly. Unless I forget. I have a cup fitness tick.

I can't stop it. it comes out all the time who's going who's getting an invitation i wait how do the invitations what do the invitations look like do they just they just arrive you get like your own your own like plastic sample packet of hidden rat valley ranch that's glued with rubber cement onto a piece of cardboard that says, Hey, Cup Fitness. Hey, bitches. You're cordially invited to Cuntillion. It's happening in Tustin.

Tustin? It's like written on the back of those ballroom at the courtyard of the Marriott. Those car wash discount coupons or whatever. There's like an ad for Adriana's insurance on the back. He's like, I'm not going. You put my competitor on your invitation.

That's not right. This is so stupid and already so crazy. Oh, my God. We haven't invited a single housewife. Okay, so who needs to learn to be a cut fitness?ileen i think could use some good lessons in that also i'm sorry to do it from the same show but i would love to see lisa rena get her cut fitnessy out because she's got it there she's just trying to pretend she's nice still when she's not stop pretending to be nice when you're just doing cut fitnessy things okay she needs to learn from Tamara.

Yeah, yeah. I think that would be good. I feel like, well, I mean, I don't know if anyone from Atlanta needs to go. Does anyone from New York have to go? I don't know. I mean, but she got fired, so I don't think you're even...

Well, yeah, you're still invited. Tamara likes you better if you've been fired from a housewife show. She's like, okay, we can be friends now. I'm better too. I would send Dorinda there just because I would like to hear Dorinda's thoughts on the entire thing. You know? She'd be like, oh, well, you can't have hidden ranch here. This is crazy.

Just back up. Back the fuck up. Get away from the Valley Ranch. Right, everybody practicing swallowing sausages without me. I let them here, Tameril. We grew up in the same neighborhood, okay, Tameril? We're in the same place. You know what? I don't think Ramona has to go,

but I think I would enjoy watching Ramona sending someone there because she would take pictures and be like, I can't believe it. They're all grown up. They're going to their first Cantillion. I remember when she was 33 years old and she was so nice and now she's been on TV and now

okay, I'm sorry. She needs to go to Cantillion. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to think who is too nice on all of these. Okay, the girl from Potomac, Katie. Katie, yeah. She's going there. And you know what?

I would also like Katie from Vanderpump Rules to get back in touch with her inner cotillion. Oh, she's still a cut fitness. But she needs to get back in touch with that. She's like one of those old Muppets who sits in the balcony just being a cut fitness to everybody, but she doesn't have the other old Muppet

next to her anymore, so it's just like one old Mppet and if there's just one old muppet all they do is you know like eat this eat at the snack bar and sit there they don't say anything because there's no one to back them up yeah i think that um we could also send coverage is probably should go because again we like kyle the most when she's being a cut fitness kyle richards is the worst human being on the planet okay that's it she's she could her statue will be in front it'll be like a statue with like back fat hanging over a will be like a fountain with the hidden fountain with like you know italian dresses at the front of like a fish and camera would be like you couldn't even put hidden valley ranch in your statue that's it You're the head cut fitness.

You've won contillion. All right. So also. Now let's pray. Let's pray. Speaking of Ramona, Teresa Maravich says she doesn't have a question. She has a suggestion for us that maybe we'll employ later this episode or in the future. Well, I ain't working out, so don't suggest a jog, bitch.

No, she says, this is something you can do during a regular podcast. It's called, and then Ramona walks in. Randomly during, she goes, randomly during review, like when you're talking about Beverly Hills or Vanderpump Rules or whatever, one of you just bursts out with out with and then ramona walks in and the other one says whatever the hell ramona would say based on what she just saw you have to put each other on the spot okay we'll try to work that in like we don't know when it's gonna happen so it's basically every episode of this podcast that we've ever done i think ramona's been in like 90 of these podcasts yeah i mean we just we just send her to Cantillion for crying out loud.

You don't have to be an alcoholic, okay? Why don't you just drink one beer? Like, what's the problem with one beer, okay? Okay. You know what I love about Katie's blog? It reminds me of sunshine, okay? Whoa, it's weird. A lot of sunshine in here.

Ramona's new book. I'm okay, you're okay, okay? Okay. Okay, so now we have some questions from this week's Crappin's Milebag. Here's one from Jackie Flavin.

Jackie Flavin. Jackie Flavin. She says, pick one Bravo Liberty for each of the following. Someone to be your stepmom, someone to be your actual mom, someone to be your roommate, and lastly, someone to sit next to on a plane for 12 plus hours. And then, yeah. So what is it?

Roommate? What? Stepmom, actual mom, roommate, and someone to sit on a plane with for the next 12 hours. Okay. Stepmommom Megan. For sure. Yeah, because she'd actually pay you. Yeah, she would do my homework for me.

She would probably do this show for me. She'd be like, Hi, welcome to Watch What Crappens. Go to Patreon, okay? If you don't, I'll find out who you are. Justice! If you ever get beaten up at school, you know she's going to get to the bottom of it. She'll show up in her Inspector Gadget outfit spying on whoever beat you up.

She'll do this to my stepchild. She'll wear headbands made out of sausage links just to support my eating disorder. I think for actual mom, again, i think i'll answer with tamra because because you could get away with anything you could like drink you could have parties you could do anything you wanted of course you'd also probably be inherently fucked up so that is a problem but tamra's the tamra's like the kid she'll steal shit from your wallet that's true that's true well then lisa vanderpump i don't think her children even talked to her i mean god bless her and everything for that because that's that's terrible even though

she probably deserves it but um she's terrible no i don't know i don't need to vanderpump actual mom because they're loaded and like you just be like living the best life even as a bus boy you'd be living the best life so far from what we've seen on housewives lisa vanderpump is the only legit loaded person on these shows can you think of another like who's legit loaded other than adrian but she's gone now actually believe it or not jill zarin is legit loaded oh she is that's true she's gone too though um no there's some others changing the rules as i keep talking adrian maloof adrian maloof is legit loaded. There were some others. I think the Dubros are legit loaded.

Unless it's all... I thought there was someone else from New York. Bethany is legit loaded these days. True. I feel like Carol Radzowel... Actually, Bethany is the most loaded out of anybody ever. I think even anybody who works at Bravo.

Probably. She's supes loaded. She's supes loaded. I feel like there's like maybe, you know, I actually feel like Karen Huber, her husband might actually have some good money, like legit money,

because he was involved in real stuff, but we don't know enough about them yet. Also, she has like pretend intercom where she's just pretending to call him over the intercom when he's in the next room so i don't buy it that's true too um it's too early to say on on potomac who has legit money um i feel like there's one other person on bravo who is like crazy crazy loaded i just can't remember who it is. Okay, so we have to pick a mom. So I think we both take Vanderpump. The stepmom. I have Megan.

Who was yours, Tamara? No, I was going to say, I'll say Megan also. Okay, and then what was the other one? A roommate. A roommate. I think Carol Redsable. Although I feel like she'd be messy, oddly enough. She would.

She wouldn't clean up anything. She'd just be throwing animal throws over things. She'd be like, I remodeled. And then it's just like a zebra thing thrown over a chair from Pot and Barrel. Yeah. Maybe Candy Burris. Probably not. Probably not Candy Burris.

Oh, my God. Her mother would come over. That's what I was thinking. Her mom would come over. I think definitely not Shannon. Kristen. I would take Kristen. No, you know who I would take?

Yeah. Tame Gay, Adam. Oh, I also wanted to explain Tame Gay really quick because I was reading a Reddit thread. I love going to Reddit, and they have a subreddit called Bravo Real Housewives for those of you who like Reddit and don't know about this and you can just talk shit with them all day about news stories about Bravo and I don't go in there that much because by the time we do the show

I don't want to have already discussed it with people I save it for you Bean aren't you lucky but I was reading it one time and someone was saying why does crappins call it what is a tame gay because it makes me cringe when they say it and someone said saying why does crappins call it what is a tame gay? Because it makes me cringe when they say it. And someone said oh it's a bravo gay that kind of works

for the ladies. You know the ones that the ladies treat like pets. No no. That's a bravo gay. Or a friend ploy. I don't even think we have a specific name for that kind of gay do we? No I don't think so. But tame gay comes from Shaws of Sunset Reza's boyfriend Adam is But tame gay comes from Shaws of Sunset.

Reza's boyfriend, Adam, is a tame gay. And that just means when you're gay but you're old, you start aging and then you start pretending you're really tame and you're not interesting anymore. It's like no fun all night parties, no blowjobs at bachelor parties. Instead, you just want to see, I don't know, maybe guys jogging without underwear on under their jogging pants. Like that's what's sexy to you now. Or sweaters. I think that's sexy even if you are not a tame gay. But a tame gay is like, you know, just being polite and quiet. And it's just like.

Sweater wearing. Yeah. Yeah. It's like sitting at home and staring at your Chevron walls. Yeah. So, yeah, that's tame gay. But I would have your chevron walls yeah so uh that yeah that's tim but i would have adam as my roommate because he's a tame gay i know he would clean everything yeah he would clean everything he would insist on paying rent on time he would cook for me i could

yell at him and have temper tantrums and he would still be like okay i'll still be your roommate yeah you know it's perfect and then lastly uh someone to sit next to on a plane for 12 hours i actually think stassi because i think that we would get drunk she would be shady about everything and everyone she would gossip about everything and she'd be hilarious and secretly we'd become best friends oh god sitting on a plane for 12 hours geez um i think someone probably for me would be luann because i feel like luann would have such disdain for me i would be wearing like leather crocs and you know jog like skin-tight jogging pants that are those desert camo you know how i dress like in cash life like terrible terrible embarrassing and i would smell like cigarettes and then like be

unshaven and she would be so fucking mortified that she'd be inching away from me so i could have arm space and she wouldn't speak to me and that's my dream plane right i feel like though with luann that you know she has a very large head and i imagine her having like one of those big neck pillows and it just sort of like would start to infringe on your space and be like well no one has a bigger head than me i've got like three charlie brown heads in one okay i will head fight that bitch um okay so uh we have another question but we'll just put that till thursday it's from betty brown so betty we'll get your question out on Thursday. And... Don, don, don, don, don, don, don, don. This has been The Cronus Mobile. Just a little...

We just need to now. I feel like sometimes on this show, we're just daring people to turn it off. I know, we are. By the way, Erica would be a good roommate. That is really, really doing it. And I love it. Never change it.

Erica would be a good roommate, too, by the way, I want to add. So, oh, let me mark down the time code. We are at 27 minutes. How lovely that we have gotten to 27 minutes. I'm so curious to know why you would think that Erica would be a good roommate. What gives you that? She'd be fun. I feel like we'd, like, chat.

She'd be like, I'm going to buy some Tupperware. Can I please have budget approval, Ben? That's true. That's true. And she'd make the entire place look like it was, like, faux renaissance or something. Yeah. Like, we do not need a kneeling room. But this is a gay home, okay?

Every room is a kneeling room. So, because of the Super Bowl, or as I like to call it, the Superb Owl, we did not get Potomac or Atlanta this week. So, instead, we are going to talk about Pump, Real Housewives. I'm sorry, not Real Housewives. Vanderpump Rules. We're talking about Vanderpump Rules and Top Chef this week. And then on the next episode, we'll talk about Newlyweds and Beverly Hills, which is why we're also having a little bit more of an indulgence mailbag

because we're a little light this episode. So should we start with Vanderpump Rules? I am Dan Bean. I love me some Vanderpump Rules. This episode was cracking me up because they all were just saying such stupid things all episode long that I just I was just laughing. Nothing

even happened and I was just cracking up. Oh my god, so much happened in this episode. Are you kidding? Tom number two has a pair i've never seen yeah that was nice i like that or he can memorize a monologue i don't know which is more impressive but i haven't seen him do either ever so yeah good for you buddy yeah so it opened up with stassi is like hanging out with kristin and stassi's like trying really hard to become friends with everyone again and she's having real trouble getting to Katie and Stassi's Stassi's saying like I've had to

swallow my pride like it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do by the way can you hear the construction outside I can yeah it's nice it's nice they're building mj a new pantry because she's getting married or they're getting her out of the old one she finally found a steady fiance so she's eating herself into the pantry um i was gonna say it's the perfect uh metaphor for stassi is hearing that drill um anyway stassi that is not the grossest thing you've swallowed okay you dated jacks uh yeah exactly and she's like all i did was tell some people to fuck off stassi but i mean the leader of the show the owner of the show yeah although and then ignore them exactly although it i it has to be frustrating to be getting the cold shoulder shoulder from Katie, who is like one of the most impressionable followers on this show. For even Katie to be standing up to you, that's just mortifying.

Well, I'm a very big bitchy personality. And I have noticed in my own life that I'm like, oh, people are fine with me. And then it's great. And then one day an explosion comes. And then it's a barrage of shit that I've done that I never knew. And I feel like Stassi's like that too. She's like, oh, I'm an asshole? Why didn't anybody? Like she didn't know.

She had no idea or something. And she's just like confused. But I still don't feel bad for her. It's like the Paul Simon song when he says, when something goes wrong, I'm the first to admit it. First to admit it, but last one to know. Ooh. Ooh, Paul, what are you admitting? Paul's just admitting to random things.

For him, it's just like, you know, he didn't put away the forks and knives after dinner or something. But Stassi, it's like, Stassi, how do you not know what you did wrong? There's an entire internet, okay? You have hours of footage for you to watch yourself do shit wrong yeah i know i love that this the the show opened with this song because i love paying attention to the music

on the show and i think this pretty much summed up the show it was sounds it was guttural sounds coming from some 20 year old person who barely knew how to play guitar. I was like, yes, this sounds right. This sounds right. So then we go over to Katie and she's got a full on Amy Winehouse beehive going on on her head. And talking about she's going to have a pucker and pop party because she's she's launching a blog. She's launching a blog and she wants to have a party to launch it, so it gets a lot of great attention.

People talk about launching a blog as if you've gone to a VC and gotten first-round funding for a magazine that's going to go out. It's like a blog, okay? The two of us have done it, okay? Anyone can do it. I want a party to celebrate the $300 I paid a host month every six months.

Or host monster, okay? Where's my goddamn party? It's like, great, I just installed a new template on WordPress. I want to have a party now. You guys, I went two columns. Drinks for everybody. I just installed a responsive layout on my blog. Let's have a party.

everybody. I just installed a responsive layout on my blog. Let's have a party. Let's cheers to the pictures resizing themselves. You guys, I added a new feature on my sidebar. Now you can access archives from more than three months ago. Oh my god, let's have a party to announce this.

Oh, Katie. I finally figured out how to wrap text. Party time. Wrap text. The boys. Oh, God. I almost kicked over a jug of water, darling. I've got a new apartment. I mean, I'm in the same one, but I'm remodeling it.

And so I'm kicking things over. I don't have any furniture memory in my body yet. Anyway, the Toms come over. Tom number two. Okay. So I know that everybody, everybody well sheena uh is saying he's so arrogant and this and that i i guess i never really see it because i just like him he doesn't really bug me like if anything i think he's just gross for ever being with kristin

and now kind of ariana even though she's not gross but i know he's being pushed around uh so anyway that's my general but he he keeps pushing this everyone you have to hate to keep them out of the group, which basically means the TV show. He's being so protective over who's allowed to be in the cast and who he's going to shoot with and who he's not going to shoot with. Buddy, you're a bartender on a TV show. Stop it. Okay? You're a bartender. Stop it.

You don't get to pick everything. You're not. Stop it. You don't get to pick everything. You're not a casting director. You don't get to pick. Well, listen. I think in real life, IRL, I think it's totally reasonable to be like, Kristen is crazy. Stassi is crazy. How about this? Let's not hang out with them.

I don't want to hang out with them. Can we not invite them? I don't want to hang out with them. I think that's a pretty normal thing. How about you stop fucking them? Like, why is it okay for you to date somebody for how many ever years and make everyone else's life hell while she's acting like a crazy cow? But now that you've had enough, everybody else has to have had enough? No, you were the one who brought her into the circle and were friends with her for a zillion years.

No, I don't think that Tom brought her in because she was friends with Jax and everything. They met when Katie and Tom, number two, and everything they met when Kate oh no I'm thinking of Katie and Tom number two meeting when they were roommates or whatever I don't know I don't remember the whole thing I think it's like a I think that like Kristen went totally nuts and crazy and betrayed her best friend and cheated and made and then was like a crazy like whirling dervish and so I don't think it's like oh that tom unleashed this crazy and then finally he decided that he wanted had had enough of it it's like when he'd had enough of kristin then she became super crazy i think it's like a pretty reasonable thing to say hey um let's not

invite her and also by the way everyone have you noticed that saucy's a super bitch how about we don't invite her either you know it just seems that he's always the one who's saying who you can and can't no he's just no it's not that it's that he has he is like a little bit of the voice of reason and the rest of them are cuckoo i'm sorry it's not that he's like pushing an agenda he's like trying he's like trying he sees things the voice what they are and she's with kristin for three years there's just something i don't buy well listen sheena's like you know stassi will say to sheena you know what i was such a bitch to you but you know your skin looks really nice today and she's like oh my god we're friends again you know so these people like they are i don't know i i think they're crazy and i i do have to say kat Katie's hair, please stop it.

Stop. Listen, Katie's hair, you've always had trouble. Okay? You've always had trouble. You've always had trouble. It's not like this is the first talk we've had. Yeah. But a big pile of beehive on top of your head does not a blog make yeah okay

and it's sort of making so here's the thing now at the risk of sounding insensitive you know katie has put on a little bit of weight recently she's been nesting and i think the big hair is just is not helpful but last year she hadn't put on weight and that was when she had her ronald mcdonald's fantasia streaks or whatever i think that was two years two years that was when she had her Ronald McDonald Fantasia streaks or whatever. I think that was two years ago is when she had her orange craziness happening. Yeah, so I don't think it's a weight thing. I mean, if anything— No, no, I'm just saying the big hair sort of makes—I feel like the big hair kind of makes her look bigger. Oh.

It's like she has just more of a big presence. I think TV is just really evil because... It is. No, she's not, by the way, she's not fat. We just saw her in a bikini and she didn't look fat. No, not at all. She doesn't look fat. She's not fat.

She's not overweight at all. I'm just saying that she has put on some weight. And I just think that the big hair is sort of making it look like she's put on more weight than she perhaps has. Yeah. It's almost like, I don't't know things you're supposed to do to disguise but it doesn't work like yeah christy alley saw an oprah that you're supposed to wear tighter clothes when you're fat because it makes you look like less of a tent and then she showed all these pictures of her doing it and she looks crazy so katie think about that. You've summoned comparisons to Kirstie Alley. Yeah, Katie, meet Kirstie Alley.

Okay. So then, yeah, so Katie wants to do a launch party. So then we go to the dentist where Max is going to get a checkup with Dr. Rifkin. And Dr. Rifkin is one of many doctors in the world of Vanderpump Rules and Real Housewives of Beverly Hills who's like, hey, bro, what's going on with your teeth? What's up, bro? You're like, okay, old Jewish man. Let's please drop the bra. He's like, well, hello there, young fellow bro.

What a shonda that you're here, bro. It's a mitzvah that you still have your teeth, bro. Welcome to the gas station let us fist bump oh shut up yeah um so we learn that max is no longer with faith so here's the thing so it's so lisa's there with max and with james and james starts talking about who like max had sex with the night before i'm like this is so wildly inappropriate this woman is not only max's mother but it's also your boss. Why are you saying this stuff? Why are you just talking about it?

And then he's figure out if James, well, I mean, it could be both of these things before I'm about to say, I know what I'm about to say and it's already wrong, but I can't tell if he's just a raging drug addict or crazy, which is it? It's gotta be one of the other.

That's not just immaturity. There's something not right there. I think, it's both and i also think i also get the feeling that he thinks he's being so like smart and clever in terms of like oh i'm gonna bring the show i'm gonna bring the show you know the producers were probably like hey why don't can you like maybe mention this and he's like goes overboard don't you get the feeling like he he is doing way too much to you know it's like he's just so above and beyond because then he starts to um like vent about kristin and he starts talking about how he drunk texted kristin and he's drunk texted laller and he's just telling all this stuff to lisa and she's not even asking him he's just saying it i was like this just seems so crazy that's why i think drugs

because i don't even think he doesn't he's not even aware that anybody's there half the time he probably goes home muttering this shit to himself you know he's probably just like making chips and salsa at home like putting things on a plate like yeah it's right bitch that's right babe yay go into that bowl, babe. Go into that bowl, babe. Well, James is like, so then he starts, he pulls out this text message that he sent to Lala, a series of text messages. And so I paused it, of course, and I wrote down the exact text. This is what he wrote to Lala.

And this is what he reads to Lisa. Beautiful. This is the exact text he just says so don't say we're chilling and when he writes chilling he writes c-h-i-l-l-e-n he doesn't so don't say we're chilling when you clearly have friends with some ugly fuckheads don't think i give a fuck about your boys when i don't they lame as fuck sorry not sorry not sorry. Ugly as fuck. When the as fuck is an AF. Ugly as fuck. Have fun.

Also, heard how you were killing some asshole and kissing me after. That's nasty. Go fuck yourself. And then like a little emoji of someone praying. What does that mean? An emoji of somebody praying? It's like a peace. When you do that, it's like a piece. It's like when you do that, it's like a piece.

Like, you know, when people, it's like peace out. Yeah. It's like, it's like blessings, blessings,

you know, when people do that as like a goodbye. So this crazy drunken rant to Lala. And, but then, and then he starts talking about how Lala ate out someone's ass. It was a rim job. Oh my God.

He's like, Lala tossed a salad with some guy and then, you know, came with me and they put mouth on me. And Lisa's like, tossing a salad, darling. I mean, people want their salads tossed and I'm sick of listening to people complain about it. All right. If someone wants a salad tossed, it's your job to write it down on a notebook and give it to Chef Joe, darling. Chef Joe, go speak to Chef Penny. She has a wonderful recipe of a deconstructed Caesar salad,

but what I want you to do is take the deconstructed Caesar salad and toss it all together. Darling, Chef Joe is a pro at tossing Penny's salad. I don't think you meant to say that, Lisa. No, because he takes Penny's salad, he just gets right on in there and just tosses it.

Gets right in her salad. No, babe, it's making out with the corn. It's making out with the cornhole, girl. All right, you stupid basic bitch. Well, who doesn't love a cornhole every once in a while, darling? Everyone loves a corn nut. You know, that's right. Get a piece of corn, put a hole in it.

We're talking about a Christmas tree, darling. Watch Pandy try and eat her way through New Year's.'s right. Get a piece of cord, put a hole in it. We're talking about... We can string them up around a Christmas tree, darling. Watch Penny try and eat her way through New Year's. All right? Well, revolutionize the industry, Penny. No, Lisa. No, what I'm talking about is a rim job. Of course, a rim job. We all love a good rim on our margarita. I like to take some raspberry sugar and put the glass in there, and then you got a real good rim job right there.

What's the problem, James? I remember when Max one time asked for his birthday for a rim job, and I said, No, Max, if you're going to cover those tires, you're going to need to pick up more busses. Job. More busses. What am I trying to say? Nights at Sir, darling. Shifts, darling, shifts.

But it was actually, like, I know this show is, like, fake and silly or whatever, but to me it actually was so wildly inappropriate to be discussing Lala's sexual activities in front of the boss. Like, that is actually sexual harassment, if this were, like, a real job. Her first day at work, everybody told Lisa she was a whore. She was like, oh, by the way, I don't know who your human resource person is, but that girl's a yacht slut, okay? People shit on her face. And Lisa's like, be nice to Lala,

darling. Be nice to Lala. I don't care if you were chilling when you clearly, she has clearly friends with some fuck ugly head. I don't care. I do give a fuck about her boys. Oh, so Lala tosses salads for a living? Well, that's a good start.

Maybe I should have Lala come in here and teach this staff how to toss a salad. No one needs a dry salad at Pumpertonic. Yeah, I don't know. I just couldn't believe also James's rant. So I think we're chilling. What does it even mean? You clearly have friends with some ugly fuckhead. What does that mean? You clearly have friends with some ugly fuckhead. What does that mean?

You clearly have friends with some ugly fuckhead. Don't think I give a fuck about your boys when I don't, you basic bitch. And he also says you're ugly. Yeah, he's like you're hanging out with some ugly dudes. That's like James' biggest comeback is to call people's boyfriends ugly. It's the weirdest comeback I've ever heard, especially from a bobble-headed, semi-cross-eyed meth head who's like 23 and looks like somebody Tim Burton created years ago. He really has the most truly...

His insults are so rudimentary. There's just no artistry to them. I mean, they lame as fuck, sorry, not sorry. Ugly as fuck, have fun. That's nasty, go fuck yourself. I know you are, but what am I, babe? So, um,

and then James, oh, and he also goes after Jax, too, and he's like, Jax and his monkey-dumb-fuck-ass. Lisa. I've done everything I could to punish Jax He came to my home I drank a diet coke in front of him I mean nothing tells someone off Like me drinking a diet coke darling

Alright we're done I've done all I can do darling And then I love by the way At this point the dentist already did that thing Which is what everyone does in the stores When they have scenes and everything. Where it's like, all right, we're done here. So I'm going to step out and let you guys, you know, I'll leave you guys alone.

So I get it at a store when, like, someone goes to a different part of the store. But this is the dentist's office. They are having a full-on scene after the dentist is done doing his work. And they're just sitting there in the dentist's chair just hanging out in the office. There's some drag queen out there late to her shift because she couldn't get her damn bridge fixed before work yeah and her pumps rules cast was shooting yeah i mean like like who does that who just like hangs out and you know like once you're done with the dentist you're out of there i'm sorry you do not hang out and just chit chat if you do you're going downstairs to a coffee shop but you're not going

to hang out in the dentist's office with the drills going off. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes

you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Believe me, I was there. Oh, the dentist.

He's like, okay, catch you on the flip side, my brazaz. Yeah. So then they're like, I don't know, somehow this segue, I guess talking about Jax, James was talking about, I guess, how crazy Jax is. And Lisa's like, don't tell me what to do. You're a busboy. You know, I hired you as a busboy and I'll put you right back there, James Kennedy. And I love how his defense was to talk about

how good his music was. And he was like, we have been getting constant reviews on our music. You can read the Yelp reviews for yourself. They're waiting for a cd i'm like i don't think anyone's waiting for the official sir lounge cd i am well actually the good news is that we do have an advanced track from the cd yes that's why this show is the number one television chandra Rhimes creation on ABC.

Play it, Ben. Yeah, this is very exciting. This is actually from the upcoming Sir Lounge Volume 1. Music from the Sir Lounge Volume 1. It's called Love Song to Lala. And actually DJ James Kennedy made the song himself. Oh, and he also did... All the lyrics are directly from him.

So are you ready to hear the track? Hell yes, you basic bitch. All right. Hello, love. You ready to get serious? Yelp reviews are in. Here's your say day. Don't say we're chilling when you're clearly have friends.

We're some ugly fuckhead. Don't think I give a fuck about your boys When I do, they're lame as fuck Sorry, not sorry Ugly as fuck Have fun Also heard how you were killing some ass when kissing me after That's Matthew, fuck yourself

You're a stupid thing to say You're a stupid thing to say You're a stupid thing to say You're a stupid thing to say You're a stupid thing to say On the fucking line Dance break I'll walk up and shake your hand like a bloke Go fuck yourself again.

You ever think about getting back together though? It's a great track. Yes. Standing ovation. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. That was amazing.

Which is, by the way, my favorite insult that he's said all season long. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing. Ben, that was so good. You're going to be a star. Did you hear the backing vocals on it? I've actually isolated the track and the backing vocals.

It's called You're a Stupid Thing to Say. Because she never finishes the spelling of her songs. Yeah. Ooh, there are three giant military helicopters outside. I wonder if they're going to pick up DJ James Kennedy to bring him to the White House to perform for the president. They're like, you're up, they heard it. It's like the call of the military planes. You're a stupid thing to say.

This is what we're going to go after the Middle East with now. We'll just blast it. Blast it on the borders. They're like, all right, DJ James Kennedy is here. We have to surrender now. I think you have to work on the levels. I can't tell. Because before the vocals were too high and you couldn't hear the music. And now they're a little too low.

You need to work on being less fucking amazing. My panties are wet. It's a catchy song, though, right? Yes. I'm not going to pat myself on the back. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. You're a stupid thing to say. And I want to say that all the lyrics were taken directly from James. So good.

Directly from his text messages. Oh, my God. That wins. That wins the Super Bowl. Congratulations, Pantus. Thank you. Actually, not all the lyrics. The parts where he speaks

are not from that. You stupid bitch. You're a stupid bitch. And that's the last thing that he mentions in here. He's like, well, Kristen.

And Lisa's like, Kristen, darling, why are you talking about Kristen? He's like, I love her. I know.

He loves her. He sure has a funny way of showing it. He left his DNA on her door. Is there any sweeter way to say I love you? Yeah. I love you boogers on your door. Lawler is angry at me. I would love to see DJ James Kennedy get into, like, a... What was that show that was on mtv it was not wild and out it was the thing with wilmer valderrama where people would

like do like yo mama jokes and i'd like to see him do it with joey from princesses long island because remember what she said to ashla uh she's like and she's like oh you're funny and she goes funny looking or something like that or ashley's life became the biggest diss of all time ashley's like that girl called me funny looking dad she called me who does it who tells somebody who's you know has it has issues medical issues she said it was funny looking. Were you a funny thing to say, Ashley? Ashley, I refuse to have a party

all by myself for couples. There's a couple's party all by themselves, Ashley. So anyway, back at Sur, Katie walks up to James and Faith and lets them know that they are cordially uninvited or never were invited to her launch party. She's like, I'm so sorry. I just want you to know I'm not going to be inviting you to my launch party.

Katie's evil. Why would she do that? I guess maybe she did go to Contillion this year after all. She's terrible. That is so mean. Katie's the meanest one out of this whole cast. She acts like she's all nice now, but let's remember back, shall we? Horseface and Horseface number two back in the day.

We're hot. Sorry, we're hot. But, like, that girl's a slut, and she's not hot enough to be our friend. Okay, that was you, bitch. So I don't want, you know, just having, like, being able to carry ten pounds of hair on your head doesn't make you a better person. Bitch. Yeah. So that was really, really obnoxious.

And it's also total bullshit. Like, you could invite two more people to your launch party, okay? So then also Lala doesn't get the invite, too, which is always hilarious. And so Lala confront't get the invite too, which is always hilarious. And so Lala confronts Katie about this. And Katie's like, I just don't want there to be stresses. Like, I don't know. And Lala's like, oh, so like, I'm like a stress babe.

Is that what I am? I'm like, I'm kind of stressed. She's like, no, no, no. It's just like fire codes. But this was great because this like kicked off Lala launching into a traumatic childhood memory where when she was younger she was invited to a party that everyone got invited to but she was only invited so that way when she showed up she could be told she was uninvited and had to sit on the curb and wait for her mom to pick her up it was so sad but also hilarious because it was such a man it wasn't funny that i felt bad but it was also like

the context of how she she related this this or relayed this childhood memory of like well this one time i was a child and i was uninvited from a party i had to wait on the curb it just was so like overly dramatic to stupid katie's party you know Lala. I love that every broken hoe has a story like that. It's always one little thing that knocks them down. And then she's like, yeah, it actually feels better out here on the curb. And then she becomes a hoe. It's like, oh, my God. It's just that one moment that sent her to the curb the first time.

You know, it becomes a lifelong pattern. But it's also like, Lala, if you don't want to deal with petty bitches, like, don't start working at Sir. I know you want to be on TV, but, my goodness, you don't want to resurrect these awful curb memories. Stories of a curb. If these curbs could talk.

These curbs could talk. Well, at least this time she didn't have to sit on a curb after she was uninvited. Yeah, she's like, this is the same thing, except, I don't know, I have this freezer to sit on and the refrigerator room. Yeah.

Speaking of sitting out on the curb. I have to say, I loved, this is so stupid, I don't even have any jokes about this, but I just love that every time they show Lala, they show her going, okay, really? Okay, thanks for calling, sir. Bye. Like, okay, we believe you work it, sir.

She's always, like, making some fake call. And then it cuts to Sheena rolling up silverware. She's like, hey, boo, what are you doing? She's like, rolling silverware! Roll out! I don't know why that made me laugh so hard. But I was like fuck yes this show still makes him roll silver

I love it so then speaking of being out on the curb so Jax and what's her face Brittany are sitting on the stoop of his apartment and talking about his arrest and everything

and Jax says that he's hoping that the arrest is just going to be a slap on the frist. I'm so petty to make fun of him. I mess up so many words on this podcast. I mean, heck, last week I forgot that Charlotte was in North Carolina instead of South Carolina. And yet when Jax says frist instead of wrist, I'm like, oh, look at him saying frist. That shit is just so funny to me. I just like everything that Jax says. He's so ridiculous.

He goes, yeah, you know, I'm broke. And she goes, yeah, but I'm making money because I'm working, honey. Like she's all proud of taking care of some pathetic 40-year-old. And he goes, thank God for Hooters. I'm like, yeah, not the first time you said that. Yeah, in many different contexts.

Yeah, it's like how he wakes up every day. And then he just farts. He just full-on just farts. He does the Beyonce squat fart. Yeah. And Bernie's like, oh, Jack, stop. Stop it. I told my mom.

I told my mom about it. And he said, what'd your mom say? And she's like, well, being drunk isn't an excuse. Well, duh. Thanks, guys. Good scene. Thanks for coming. Yeah. And Jack.

We're so different because she comes from, like, a farm family. And, like, there's no drinking or, like, cursing. But you can fuck sheep sheep so it's not like a totally different world so now we kristen goes on a date and we have crossover bravo crossover alert so tell me what this guy was like on the below dick he was like a douche he was he was sort of cocky first of all we're gonna to give Alex some props because he got his hair under control. He used to have these big, bushy eyebrows, which are still there to some degree. But his hair was sort of like big and thick and it looked terrible.

So he kind of like, he finally got a good haircut. Got like groomed. He looks much better. Good for you, Alex. It's interesting that you brought up the eyebrows because I was so confused by his eyebrows. And is that just because they're giant? He's trying to shape them and it's difficult? I think so.

He's Greek and so he has that big hairy Greek thing going on. So he's just trying to keep everything in control. Keep everything contained. So I don't remember him very well, but i remember he was kind of like a douche he was for most of the season he seemed pretty responsible but then he became kind of an asshole like that first season there were a lot of spoiled brats like uh everyone was like oh captain lee like let us off the let us off the hall um so uh i don't really remember him too well but when kristin was like a Alex has his shit together,

I was like, well, if he has his shit together, then why didn't Captain Lee invite him back, huh? He's got his shit together. He's on a boat. He has a one-way ticket to Kristenville. He's a real man, okay? Like, he's not just, like, some fake guy. He's, like, a real guy.

We're, like, eating real food in real planes when the real guy is, like, real, okay? He's not, like, some pussy guy. Like, he's like a real guy we're like eating real food in real planes when the real guy who's like real okay he's not like some pussy guy like he's real he's real yes girl we get it and then she does that head that thing where she slams her head into her shoulder yeah she goes you know who else does that by the way who beyonce don't you dare compare Kristen to Beyonce. I'm not even in the beehive, okay? But I refuse to let you bring Beyonce down to Kristen. Well, she does it, though.

In that choreography, she does this thing where she touches her knee to her elbow, like old 80s workout. You know, where you're going like, like touching it. And then she slams her head over to the side and hits it with her shoulder. Haven't you noticed that? She loves Bravo, this one. Her whole life is basically a Bravo show. Ooh, that sounds so good, your big eye string. What is that, a venti?

It's a venti, yeah. I've been working my way through it, which is why I'm a little hyper. I love I can hear the size of it from the ice rattle. There we go. It's more tinkly. Do you ever think if Beyonce might, do you think she might listen to our podcasts?

No, hell no. She doesn't have time. She should. She knew it was right for her. Beyonce, hi. Everyone say hi to Beyonce. She's listening right now. Beyonce, hi, Beyonce.

Hi, Beyonce. Love her new dance move, the squat fart and wave. Everyone say hi to Beyonce She's listening right now Hi Beyonce Love her new dance move The squat fart and wave Oh oh you know we forgot Every episode I keep forgetting Pause for a moment to say We need Jennifer Lawrence to come on the podcast So if anyone knows Jennifer Lawrence

Can you ask her to come on the podcast Thanks What are we going to tell Jennifer Lawrence We're just going to chat with her? What are we going to tell her? We're just going to chat with her and talk about Bravo, and she can just pile on. Okay. We can ask her about Pump Teens. I don't care.

We want Jennifer Lawrence to come on here. I'm afraid. There's nothing to be afraid of. She's so famous and pretty and young. I'm literally sitting here sewing something. don't be afraid of J-Law J-Law if you're out there if you happen to be listening we want you to come on

and we're going to have and then Ramona walks in I'm sorry J-Law what was wrong with the regular law listen how can a lawyer even be a lawyer if you keep changing the letters in the law? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. But like Jennifer Lawrence, I'm sorry. She's too young. Okay. I'm sorry. She's too young. All right. How about you get someone like Jennifer Tilly instead?

Okay. Okay. That would be amazing. That's actually my dream guest right there, Jennifer Tilly. She's welcome also, by the way. Jennifer Tilly, door is dream guest right there, Jennifer Tilly. She's welcome also, by the way. Jennifer Tilly, door is totally open to you. Jennifer Tilly, what do you think of Vanderpump Rules? I don't know.

I don't like rules very much. Charmed. Charmed, I'm sure. Whoa. Whoa. Ronnie, that is insane. That is such an amazing Jennifer Tilly impersonation. That is absolutely insane.

That's pretty good, right? That's where all the other voices come from. That's one of my five. Jennifer Tilly. The secret Jennifer Tilly seed that fuels I just wanted to order some snails. I don't know why they brought all these things out.

Portia and Carol Radziwill. That's Portia and Carol Radziwill. Who knew they were on the same spectrum? They're on the Jennifer Tilly spectrum. I never knew it. She's one of my favorites ever. Bullets Over Broadway. That was one of the funniest performances of all time. Unfortunately, I don't think she had another one ever like it.

But she had it with her heart. I think she was just herself the whole time. I love that. Well, no. She was in Liar Liar. She was a good cut fitness in Liar Liar, which was also, by the way, a vehicle for Suzy Kurtz. I mean, how many movies have Suzy Kurtz and Jennifer Chilly in them? I don't know, but they've both been on Watch What Crappens now a lot.

Thank you. But anyway, yes, so Jennifer Chilly, you're welcome too but jennifer lawrence you're super welcome you know it'd be great you're welcome too well listen we want every oscar nominee every oscar nominee who likes bravo to come on we because listen jennifer chile that bullets are broadway it's just it's it's amazing i actually once watched it and the dvd and i uh like let i paused it for only five minutes and i have like an etching of bullets over broadway to this day still subtly burned into my tv oh that's awesome which is normally would be terrible but it's actually like a great thing yeah that's a legit

great movie i downloaded it i still have it it's sitting right on my hard drive i can't wait to watch that one day i'm still trying to get the musical out of my goddamn head though oh fuck that thing was it bad okay that's too bad okay so anyway so kristin's on this script of it and then pasted on all these songs from the 30s and then ignored half the script and then had it played by like musical theater people. No. No, that's not good. Okay. Well, anyway, so Kristen is on this date and she's talking about how she loves Alex because he's like a real man. And she's like, it's like I'm living a rom-com. I'm like, yeah, you are living a rom-com.

You are like the evil one that the guy always leaves and goes running through a train station after Scarlett Johansson. That's what you are. It's like, oh, wait, there's Amy Adams. Bye, Kristen. Oh yeah, I can finally be with somebody because I respect myself now. And Alex, he's like, he's like,

he, ever the charmer, is like, I wouldn't have taken you on a date if I didn't like you. Oh my God, Vanderpump rules. He deserves a slap on the wrist. That shit was amazing. She's like, that's so romantic. No one's ever said that to me before.

Because no one could ever form those words. Like, in that sentence structure. Yeah. And nothing says self-respect by needing to be wasted every second you're alive. She's like, okay, here's your choice, person from a TV show.

Would you rather me get sober for five minutes or get sober or it's like her big choice, or get sober after 30 minutes and we can get fucked up more.

And he's like, well, how about let's get fucked up more. And she's like, oh, he's the man after my own heart yeah seriously seriously um so then back at sir katie tells lisa about the puckering party and she's like oh will you come he's like oh i don't i don't know and you know and lisa said she's like i'm never gonna go that's competition for the divine addiction blog i totally just planned to know you're doing this darling uh she's like, I'm never going to go. That's competition for the Divine Addiction blog. Does Pandy know you're doing this, darling? She's still working on that corn on the cob Christmas thing we got put up. Have you ever heard of a hole through a corn, darling? Corn hole.

Katie, I like how Lisa responds to all these people. She goes, well, who's paying for that? Because that's basically what Katie was saying saying yeah can i do this well poor katie she's like the one who's always kissed lisa's ass and done everything she's supposed to and then it comes her time for a party and lisa's like all right maybe i'll stop by for five minutes where's the party rental where's the free catering come on i know poor katie um she wouldn't even loan her a decent wig for that. Yeah. So, yeah, Lisa gives her an employee discount on the goat cheese balls.

So there's, you know, that's good. So then, meanwhile, elsewhere in the restaurant, Lawler confronts James about his gross text. And she's like, why the fuck? Like, I thought we had an understanding. You know, like, you know like you know you can hang out with whoever you want to hang out with and i can hang out with whoever i hang out we don't talk about it like you're not supposed to get jealous and he's like yeah well what's not okay is you tossing someone else's salad like jesus this guy he's like you're you're fucking

fake as fuck and you should fucking learn your lesson, babe. I like when she goes, he says, so it's not okay for you to toss someone's sound? She goes, okay, I don't even know where that came from. And he goes, Faith, Faith told me. Faith, Faith told me. Faith told me. Faith, Faith told me. Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith, Faith.

I'm like, that's your friend. Why are you, like, screwing everybody over at all times faith is getting like poor faith she's getting not bashed but like talking about how max is over her and now faith is telling secrets poor faith and she's just like smiling in the corner like oh good yay everything's happy and like no great they're talking about you well at least you got a couch out of it yeah exactly i like that they always say uh i like uh i like when people say this when they're like you only call me when you're lonely you only call me when you're bored well why the hell else would i call you like am i supposed to call you when i'm busy like hey super busy thought it would be a great time to call exactly exactly that's what the hell i hate when people

say that it's like when people say like you're only apologizing so that way you don't look bad. I'm like, yeah, that's actually a good reason to apologize because you don't want to look bad. You want people to think something nice of you, so you apologize. That's what you do. Well, I'm glad you're understanding the basic concept, you idiot. Sorry. So then when he says, you're fucking fake as fuck and you should fucking learn your lesson babe well i don't even know what lesson she has to learn that's when she says that's a stupid thing

to say and he goes you're a stupid thing to say and then ramona walks in whoa okay this you know what takes this whoa this is really taking me back to when i was a child okay i was walking through the forest okay and i was like whoa these trees are so tall. And then Geraldine Parsons-Smith came in and said, that's a stupid thing to say. And I said, you're a stupid thing to say. And then my father said, if a tree falls in a forest and no one can hear it, does it have something stupid to say also? And I said, I don't know. You're the adult here. And then I got thrown out of the forest and we went home and I never knew the answer to the question, okay?

I still can't look at Forrest, okay? I still can't look at them without thinking about my dad's question and crying about what Geraldine Parsons-Smith said about me, okay? Listen, Lala, okay? You shouldn't take any disrespect from a man, okay? Because you're a woman, and you're a made woman, and you're renewed, okay? So whenever a man talks like that, you say, get out of my house, and I'm going to bring home the rest of my dinner that I don't finish, just in case you come home later and you have something to eat, okay?

That's called being a strong woman, okay? My mother always said you always want to toss your own salad, because you don't want to depend on a man to toss a salad for you, okay? I'm going to depend on a man to toss a salad for you, okay? Ramona tossing a salad is the best thing I've ever heard in my life. Okay? Okay? Okay. So anyway, now it's time for the pucker and pout party.

Pucker and pout. It's like Katie's entire personality. Yeah. So they're getting ready for the Pucker and Pout And Kristen By the way this drilling outside is driving me nuts I'm sorry to everyone who has to hear it There's nothing I can do

It's so loud it's coming through the windows So we learn that James Stay strong MJ Stay strong darling The jaws of life You have five more minutes to finish off that Triscuit's box, darling. Even the jaws of life are like, damn. We're not even sure about this one.

So apparently James's drunk text to Kristen was, How do you not still love me, you basic bitch? Oh my god. James needs to stop long pressing the home button, okay? Because that's when Siri pops up. It's like, bloop bloop, what do you want me to do? It's like, text the basic bitch. Like, alright, what should I say? Because you know

he's got it on like bad English accent lady. And then he just goes on and does these monologues, and that bitch will just send them she doesn't check them she just sends like five that's why they're all five paragraphs and they make no sense i know and which is actually kind of reminiscent of stassi season one with her crazy text messages but um but you know he like james you know it's weird because he's he's basically hurt he still is crushing he likes both these girls

and they're rejecting him and he so he lashes out and he just wants to be loved but it's like well you know the here's a way to not make people come back to you is like calling them fat spreading gossip about them and talking shit and then being like but why don't you love me sorry james that's not the way humans work james darling not everyone likes that in a man i do it's kind of personally like it it's funny because it's like not working because on a lot of reality shows like i can't tell you how many reality shows i've seen where there's been some asshole dude who has been codependent and makes and says things like that to girls like i just want you to love me and it's just my way of expressing and they're like oh my god i feel bad now and then they it's

like remember danny melinda on real world austin it was like that the whole season but it's with but james is trying to do that shit and it's just not working like no one is being codependent with him well i like that the girls are calling him out a little bit and like sheena saying that sucks i'm like uh you fuck someone's husband for years, so please stop with this. I don't know, though. They're right. He does mean, obviously, they're right. But it's not only, to me, it doesn't bother me as much because it's not sexism. He talks to everyone. Like, he's equally awful to everyone.

I have to give him credit for that. Yeah. It's just when he does not, like, when he feels rejected, his response is to lash out by saying something nasty but, like, very puerile. So it's just, you know, it's like people just roll their eyes. And he's got to learn how to harness his energy a little bit better. And then, of course, his biggest criticism. Well, have fun with your ugly boyfriend then, ugly. Have fun with your ugliness.

Yeah, a stupid thing to say. what happened with your ugliness? Yeah, a stupid thing to say. So then Stassi is having this moment of like, I can't believe I haven't been invited to the pouting and pampering party. And then she's like, you know, Kristen and I, we started that together. We were going to start it together.

And I was like, no, you do it by yourself. But I remember when I was helping her and they do a flashback to three years ago. And I was like, Oh, I miss, I miss Stassi and Sheena's old faces. It was Sheena modeling.

Right. I couldn't tell. I actually, it's so fucked up. I was like, is that Sheena or is that someone else? I can't imagine that she would have put Sheena in it, but I love when she was saying,

um, in that clip, she's like, I have a blog. So put on a necklace. I'm like, what? Who structures a sentence like that? Like, okay, that lighting needs to move over.

I have a blog. Move the lighting. I know. Okay, just say what you need, lady. I don't need your pretend resume. I think we have to remember for this year's crappies to have a category for best blog because we have Kristen Taichman's and we have Juliette from Ladies of London. We have Katie from Potomac and now we have Katie from Vanderpump Rules.

We have a blog. I have a blog. I'm so excited about my blog. Who won it this year? We had that category. Remember? Oh, no. We had best business.

And I think the blog from Blood, Sweat, and Heels was on there. Oh, yeah. That's right. G in oh yeah that's right that was a venti that was i've been burping up the entire time but it's also i think it's also partially inspired by the fact that you made me think about geneva from blood sweat and heels i'm like geneva pop whatever so anyway no matter how much you've eaten, you always burp up wings when I mention James. I have visions of angry taxi drivers. So now we cut to James and Max. And they were sitting where we sat, Ronnie, when we went to Sur.

They were sitting at that little table where we sat with the girls. Feeling on the ground. Yeah, we sat with Julia from the EW show on Sirius. And also from Amy. Amy Phillips we love and those two lovely women. We should do that again actually. We should. We absolutely should because we had such a fun night that night.

What's the name of their podcast again? I'm blanking on the name of their podcast. Real Housewives Kiki. Of course. Yes. Everyone should listen to them because they is funny. Especially on the day you're talking about song parodies because that's what they do they do like a lot of uh housewives songs and stuff they're funny so james and max were sitting there and they decided they're gonna crash katie's party as if this is like again some 80s teen movie where it's like oh my god it's the

biggest party of the year we're gonna crash it i'm like there's gonna be 30 people upstairs in frederick for kai salon it's like yeah it's like the gaysian walking around a fucking empty salon with like barrettes yeah so we go to the party and uh tom sandoval is getting a brow treatment which is really hilarious because the woman like takes out one like one hair and he like looks in the mirror urgently like oh my god did she fuck up my brows kristin it doesn't make you gay just to like get your eyes dead okay it's called taking care of yourself kristin and then he shades jacks's eyebrows like i don't want to look like i'm fresh from jazzy shore kristin it's not summer yet it's not time for planet of the apes kristin my so one of my favorite parts about this party montage is Katie on her step and repeat being interviewed.

But it was like she's being interviewed by another blog on an iPhone. I was like, wow, really got the media here. I like her hand talking on the red carpet. She's like, wow. Like her hands start doing this. She's like making circles with her hands like she's giving something to some invisible person you know like bestowing something upon them yeah that girl's got a hand actions for a blog yeah you know it was funny to me this the little

step and repeat it reminded me of the time do you remember ronnie one time we went to cabo cantina on the sunset strip and you had driven and you gave us a ride home and you had parked in front of um I believe the Trocadero across the street and we went to your car and someone had set up a step and repeat right in front of your car and there was like three or four people on this like faux red carpet where there's like one cameraman and they were like posing and we had to be like um excuse me and we're like getting into your car opening the car door into the step and repeat yes that's what this was remember that i'm like where is the fiat you know oh my god and then there were all those uh in this one there's all those brands yeah like what are the it's like ziploc it wasn't even it was not even a national brand

oh yeah that's true it was like some like some it was it was not even a national brand. Febreze. Oh, yeah, that's true. It was not even as high as Blackwater. It was just like, I don't know. It was like new Kickstarters for bubblegums, you know? Yeah. It's like a buy one, get one free from Domino's or something. Although, still better than any step and repeat that we've ever done, because we've never done one. And why should we darling No one needs to see me walk on a carpet

Yes yes we do You do you'll do one day I'll be behind the ropes going And I'll be like You're going to be Elizabeth Shue In the beginning of Soap Dish Yes totally Celeste Celeste

And you'll be giving me like Do I know you but then it turns out in the beginning of soap dish. Yeah. Totally. Celeste, Celeste. Yep. And I'll be giving me like, like, do I know you? But then it turns out we were brothers, but you already forgot. Cause you're so famous. And I'll be like,

I'm sorry. I'm talking with Lisa Gibbons at the moment. Oh God. Who isn't? I mean, if that's a step in repeat, just, I don't ever need to be there. I don't need to talk to that moron.

I don't need to talk to some Billy Bush moronic fucking guy. The laundry, doing my laundry ruined me, by the way. I saw so much terrible TV yesterday. I'm going to stop talking right now so we can continue this recap. Yeah, I need to get back into some cardio before I do any step and repeats. Because I had a photo on Sunday that I, you know, one of those photos where you're like, uh-oh, that's all the bad angles.

Gotta get back, gotta get serious about the gym. Gotta get serious. Yeah, you know that you're in a good relationship when you start looking at pictures and you're like, wait, why am I happy and fat? What is happening? It's called love, Ben. I haven't seen you, so I can't call you fat by the way I'm not calling you fat well we saw each other last week when we had bagels

yeah you weren't fat then thank you well then I just had bad angles this picture it really did it did something you know you know what it is you know it's like you know when you catch yourself in a reflection of a car and you're like you know it distorts you but like even though you know it's distorted and you're all strange and pear shaped in the car

thing you're still like oh no though you know it's distorted and you're all strange and pear-shaped in the car thing you're still like oh no yeah you know the old saying never judge yourself in a car reflection yeah and yet i do every time so uh speaking of horrific sights uh lisa comes up the stairs the party and the first thing she sees is kristen's ass seriously seriously god that's so funny and i love ken we have to be here darling how long are we gonna be here this is like five minutes max flesh room buying his ass up the stairs she's like don't worry darling it's only 10 minutes and then meanwhile she's there eight hours yeah she's there forever darling i know you don't understand this but it's not easy to hold a

bold dog for 30 minutes, alright? Yeah. And then James and Max arrive. It's like, oh my god. They've come without even even though they're not allowed. To this huge event. Huge event. And she's mad.

She's like, I can't believe it's one thing to crash a birthday party. It's another to crash a launch party. I'm like, oh, please. It's a launch party for a blog. I think anyone can crash that thing. We're celebrating two completely useless things here, lady. I know. It's a blog.

It's a blog. That's probably like Katie's mom's birth announcements were in that tone they were like had a baby and it's hair is oddly orange so shannon's mad james is clearly on coke by the way when he shows up he is fidgety he is talking quickly he is he's like yeah i've crashed it yeah that's it i'll crash it oh yeah and that's it i want to talk to christian and he walks right up to christian christian's with alex they're sort of smooching he walks up and he says hey i know you probably hate me but you know i just want i need to talk to christian so you know i know you hate me i don't really care but it's

fine you know we're both men so i'm shaking i'm shaking your hand because i'm a man so like james that does not count as being a gentleman that's not just because you say i know just because you say i'm a man so i'm going to shake your hand so that way you see that i'm a man that's actually does not make you a man or a gentleman or anything close to that just be an asshole i'm a man all right there i shook your hand you happy i shook a hand you're enjoying alex what? You enjoying treating the love of my life like a whore? All right, whore. I want to talk to you. All right.

What? I'm being polite. Look, look. I'm here being polite, whore. Get over here, you basic whore bitch. Well, I'm a man. I extended my hand. I'm a man.

Like a bloke. Why are you so standoffish with me, Kristen? Okay. I have to say this to you. Kristen is just as bad as him. She is still terrible. The second she sees him come in, or hears in her little earbud or whatever that he's

there, she's like, oh my god! And then she starts like jumping on Alex and trying to make out with him so hard. And he wouldn't give her an open mouth, because God bless him, he just got his face sounded down. Thing's so shiny. But he wouldn't give her an open mouth, but she was like trying to force it open with her mouth and he's like no no and then she's like and then like jerked like

shoulder jerked away oh my god so good so ridiculous they're both doing a show for each other for each other that no one else has watched absolutely we are but you know but you gotta hand it to kristen because you know she's learned how to handle james because if it was last season she'd be screaming right back at him so she so they go downstairs they're talking and he's basically like why don't you love me why don't you love me i hate you why don't you love me you're such a whore why don't you love me you're such a basic bitch why don't you love me and then she's like only a complete prostitution would not love me, you basic bitch. And she's like, suck a dick, bro.

So, and then she's like, and then he's like, what I love is, he's like, I hope you're happy. And she's like, I am happy. I'm really happier than I've ever been. He's like, yeah, I'm not happy. That's what people say when they're not happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. You ain't happy, baby.

happy that's what people say when they're not happy i'm so happy i'm so happy you ain't happy baby i'm like well i don't think she's happy either but i don't think she's really as unhappy as she was i know well i do have to say that that is true and i totally agree with him on that point because you know i've said it a million times like it's like a yoga class and everyone's like i'm so peaceful no you're not you have to come to yoga an hour a day because you're gonna murder somebody if you don't i think we all know it i think if someone asks you like like so how are you doing how like how is that i'd be like you know i'm just like really happy i believe it but when you go out of your way to tell someone you're happy then i don't believe it yeah but if you say to someone i hope you're happy and they said well i am happy no you're not you're not

happy i was like well you just kind of walked right into that one didn't i can't believe you say you're happy well you just hoped i'd be happy well it was sarcastic you basic bitch i am happy i'm really happy like i've never been this happy i'm so happy right now okay should i get drunk in five minutes or like in 20 it's your choice seriously seriously i'm gonna change my expression to happily happily so so then james goes so then at you know chris you know they're talking nonsense to each other and james goes shut up shut up i'm a fucking man i walked up to your ugly man shook his hand like a bloke just because you physically shook his hand does not mean you're a man okay the guy didn't even realize what was going on.

He was like, who is this rental car inflatable thing flapping around in front of me and why is it shaking my hand? Why is the Jiffy Lube blow-up clown yelling at me? Why is that going to make me want to take my car to Jiffy Lube, by the way? What the hell is that? That poor person can't even stand. No, it's just to make you see. take my car to Jiffy Lube, by the way? Why exactly? What the hell is that? That poor person can't even stand. No, it's just to make you see. Oh, we'll take care of your car. Really?

This way you can see the Jiffy Lube, which is what James is doing. Look at me! Rent a car. Valvoline! Valvoline! Oil change! Basic bitch. Basic valvoline bitch.

Hey, you basic valves. Why don't you get lubricated? Why don't you? Hey, you regular unleaded 92 bitch It's like the cheapest gas in the whole place I bet you think you have a lot of horsepower Don't you Why don't you come to Valvoline

And get your valves oiled up Why don't you do that You basic engine bitch Okay so what else happened Oh the big scene was Tom and Stassi right yes i mean i'm not looking yeah i'll i'll just i'll go this quickly but basically stassi texts tom while tom is bartending i mean there's some stuff that happens at the party it's kind of like whatever so it's like oh like stassi wants to meet with tom's like should he should he meet with stassi or not he's just

she's just trying to you know you know she's just trying to get with Tom. Should he meet with Stassi or not? She's just trying to get with me to get to you, to Katie. So he decides, I'm going to meet with Stassi because I'm curious and I have things to say. And the producers told me to meet with her. So now Tom and Stassi meet downtown,

which makes no sense, but fine. They meet downtown. And they sit down and Stassi is like, this is so fucking awkward. Like, who does that? Who makes an awkward moment? Well, he sat down and just looked at her. Yeah. He's like, mm-hmm.

And that is someone like Tom, too. I don't know what got into him this episode. Yeah, he was, like, very direct. Yeah, it was so different. You've always been kind of like a smug bitch who was so nasty and manipulative that everyone hated, but you were sort of endearing about it, so everyone let it slide, but then

you kind of stopped being endearing about it, so then I feel like what was left was a smug, bitchy shell of your former self. He was terrible! Pain in the ass, bitch, venomous. And then her alligator tears. Smug, bitchy, shell of your former self, ruthlessly dismissive, disgusting. I was like, damn.

And then she started crying. She's like... God, you don't really have to lay in... She does that every single time. Every single season, someone tells her off and she starts to cry. And he was basically like, nope, not having it. So she stopped crying. She's like like why does everyone

else get forgiven although she kind of has a point i mean they all get forgiven because they stay yeah i mean when you're in a relationship with somebody and you work through the issues of course you work through the issues and you get over shit she didn't she cut everybody out acted better trash talked everybody behind their back now she's broke and needs a tv show and so she's being nice again and they see through her bullshit and they're like no bitch this is season four we're dedicated enough to actually stay here and you're not bye go have fun at you know looking through craigslist so stassi goes through her rolodex of uh phrases that she knows tom will respond to she's like i guess i didn't appreciate history and so i realized that now and tom's like whoa that's really cool of you okay you can come to the engagement party yeah

he's like okay i love history really because abraham lincoln's like my favorite and i'm like so glad he's on a penny and then he's like awesome come to my wedding party what the hell and i love chef penny best coaches balls that was uh pretty crazy but yeah he invites her and i'm like dude you're not first of all you haven't even planned that shit second you're not allowed to be inviting people to an engagement party when your wife hates them are you stupid stupid? And then I was like, yeah, he is, of course. I'm like answering myself. Who does that? Literally, you had to ask, who does that? I'm asking myself questions and answering them. I know.

Are you going to eat that chicken? I'm going to eat that chicken. Are you going to eat that chicken? Did I tell you about that? It's an OJ thing. Some reporter went in to visit OJ, and he's like so crazy that he's arguing with himself. And the quote was, are you going to eat that chicken? No, I'm going to eat that chicken.

No, I'm going to eat that chicken. I'm eating that chicken. No, you don't. I was like, oh, OJ, if only there were cameras in there. Okay, sorry. Well, we can at least end this Vanderpump Rules recap by reminding everyone that you're a stupid thing to say. Darling, if you're going to have your salad tossed, it'll be a dollar extra. Thank you for coming to pump.

Thank you. Thank you for coming to pump. Okay. Speaking of food, let's move on to Top Chef. Top Hef. Top Hef. The Top Heffer. That's going to be my reality show the top heifer the big girl who

can walk with the most confidence top heifer top heifer top heifer um so i did not find out that we weren't going to be watching potomac in atlanta until i had watched half of top chef so my notes get way heavier okay you don't the notes in the That's okay. The notes don't have to be that strong. It's Top Chef. We usually just shoot off the cuff with Top Chef. This was so fun for me. Marjorie is killing me with her deadpan

voice. I love her. And her bitch is coming out too. Oh yeah, totally. But she still does it in that semi-calm, nice way. And I'm not hating her yet. And I can't believe it. Because I said in the beginning, that girl's going to be a horrible bitch.

And she's been lovely so far. What the hell? Yeah, she's funny. Even with Isaac. That's his name, Isaac, right? The New Orleans chef. She was really bitchy to him. And I was just cackling.

Normally, I'd be like, oh, that bitch. That bitch. Is there something they're not showing of him? they hate him so much out of nowhere there's got to be more going on yeah out of nowhere everything he was like great doing great doing great doing great now they're like you know he's just not refined enough so you know i'm just worried about him because he just wants to make hamburgers and hot dogs yeah now they're like totally mean to the poor guy and i like when he called his wife and his wife's like if you come back with some douchey la accent we're done i was like i like her um so so this week was part one of restaurant wars which is always a super fun halfway mark

on the top chef season and it's a two-parter. Two-parter because it's two services. They're doing lunch and dinner. And Padma has to say lunch every two seconds. She's like, if I were at lunch, I would eat this every day. What a lovely thing to have

for lunch. I love this lunch. Oh, this lunch would be delicious for lunch. I'm like, okay, Padma, we get it. Okay, you're at lunch. I love this lunch. Oh, this lunch would be delicious for lunch. Okay, Padma, we get it. You're a lunch. You like a salad for lunch. Any piece of vegetable with nothing on it. Wow, an asparagus stalk.

What a lovely thing for lunch. I would order this every day. I'm like, Padma, you are trying too hard. No one's going to believe that you eat lunch. So just stop it. Stop it. We know there's no lunch. You eat lunch. So just stop it. Stop it. We know there's no lunch. You don't even have a think thin bar.

At least admit that. It's an Adderall and a venti green tea and then a finger down the throat. Come on. And I respect that. You've maintained very well, my friend. Still love her. Still love her. An eating disorder is like when I see people with successful eating disorders, and I don't think she looks eating disordered.

I'm just saying, like, models in general who don't eat that much. I mean, I respect that. You know, that's tough work to, like, follow through with an eating disorder. You go, girl. Yeah. Yeah. You go, girl. So I can't really jump in too much until we get to Marjorie wanting to kill herself.

Well, I mean, so basically, if we remember, so they're going to do, so they get split into teams. They do a little song for Restaurant Wars, which is cute. And then it's Restaurant Wars. They've got to do two services. And not only that, everyone has to be either front of the house or executive chef. So no one can hide, which is cool. I like that because I always feel like whoever's front of the house kind of gets screwed every season a little bit. And also the executive chef also kind of gets screwed.

And everyone who's neither of those roles is usually totally fine. So I like that they are doing that concept. Yeah. So they split up. And on Marjorie's team, it's Marjorie and is it Karen? Is that her name? Karen? Pink hair.

Yeah, I think it's Karen. The pink hair lady. And that guy, the skinny guy. The guy who made a milkshake. I will never forget that, okay? A guy who made a milkshake i will never forget that okay a guy who made a goddamn milkshake for chrissy teigen he always makes like like stuff that's average but he seems to skate by every week he's never like in the bottom but he's always does stuff that's like hmm it's like my wife likes poutine what did he make he made poutine once he

he like he has a story about how he went to nicaragua but um but the funny thing is they're all like well we're concerned because isaac isn't as refined and isaac's like how about hot dogs how about how about grits how about french fries he's at one point he's just like oh you know you know what i think would be good would be if we did something what would take some ground meat and then marjorie's like, yes, anyway. So she just cuts him off. And he's like, okay. That poor guy. I felt really bad for him.

But I liked all the people that he. Well, I like the girls that he was with. Yeah, me too. So it was that team. And then it was the douchebag team. Phillip. Well, they're not all douchebags. But Phillip is on it.

So Man Bun and the Hot Bear. Oh, my God. So this is what i wanted to see from hot bear oh and kwame and then whoever else i don't care but the hot bear guy who was the other he is so cute and he is so even-tempered and nice and i'm i've not bought it i'm like when is this guy gonna be a dick and when is he gonna come out because that is not a chef right there you know a chef when you see and then he did it it this week. He's like, no, damn it. I don't want that. I said, get this on the line and get that out of here.

And he's professional. He wasn't a total dick. But I love to see like a super confident, semi-arrogant, controlling man leading the kitchen. It's hot. Yeah, exactly. And wasn't he one of the people who made fun of, I forget who it was for making the same thing over and over again, when all he does is put out the crudo. And he's finally getting, like, you know, made fun of for it.

But, like, his crudo was the first thing that he made when we went to the thing. And he's made it, like, every challenge is a crudo. It's a crudo, a crudo. Like, enough. Enough with the crudo. Yeah. But Amara's... I was working the same line for years, though.

Amara is the other guy on their team, by the way. He's the other one. But Kwame, you know, I've loved Kwame since the beginning. But ever since the challenge where they had to do something for like where they were 10 years ago, he has been really dour. He's just like, meh, meh. He's always really dour. I think we were like putting stuff into his personality that we wanted because he's like so cute and he seems so nice. It seemed like he was always like nervous and and like i always thought he seemed nervous and uh like he was so

focused and on whatever that it was just like oh kwame sweet kwame he's trying so hard but now it's just like oh no i think he might just be dour and bitter and just droopy he's just an arrogant depressed person yeah Yeah. Yeah. I mean, once you make jerk broccoli, there's no turning back. And did you notice his dish this week looked like that? It was yellow with green on top. I was like, look, dude, let your daddy issues go. Please let Padma eat lunch. Padma hasn't had lunch in 20 goddamn years.

Would you leave your father out of this? She's still trying to marry hers. Yeah. And Padma and her old man chasing ass. Yeah. years would you leave your father out of this she's still trying to marry hers yeah admin her old man chasing ass yeah um so uh yeah so they had to like design they went and they designed their thing and everything oh there was an issue kwame kwame there was an issue with kwame's thing because he asked for bacon and then amar's phone cut away and amar didn't get the bacon and then kwame's like where's my bacon and then chad was was not Chad but like hot bear was like yo bro bro I never got I never got the mess

about the bacon you can't have any of mine and then Kwame's like I found prosciutto or I like that big bear kept making fun of Kwame the whole time he's like dude you're being a pussy about your bacon okay get the fuck over it I really like seeing this side of that big bear I'm gonna say it 20 times just because that's how I do. Yeah, but I still don't love the big bear. I love it. I think it's good to look at. I really am just all about Karen and what's her name again?

Marjorie. Marjorie. Well, Marjorie made Kibbe. You serve raw lamb in a dog park in the summer in L.A. Are you fucking crazy? Yes, you are. And I love it. Although I didn't like kibbe, but I've never liked kibbe. It's raw

fucking lamb. No, but thanks for supporting my kibbe. They make a good kibbe at Carousel in East Hollywood. Cooked or raw? It's raw. It's delicious. I can't with that. I just remember one of my great uncles, Sassine, used to eat raw kibbe. And one time I was just a kid and I just remember one of my great uncles, Sassine, used to eat raw kidby.

And one time I was just a kid and I was looking at this guy like, blah, blah, blah. He was like old country kind of news, so he ate like a truck. And blood just coming down his face. And I'm still horrified. Why did blood come down his face? Because sometimes with raw kidby, it's raw lamb. I mean, they don't do anything to it.

She tossed it in lemon and stuff but they'll sit there and eat ground raw lamb out of the store why would it make you have blood oh meaning oh i see what you're saying when he's eating it the blood from the lamb was coming down his chin yeah oh well that's disgusting that's why i thought i thought it was like some horror thing like he ate it and made him like bleed out of his eyes or something oh no well that's that's awful yeah so that's why i was like okay now it's the smell of dog poop and a raw kibbe no bitch well i luckily have not i've not had that association and the only kibbe i've had has been from uh carousel and it's not bloody at

all and it's quite delicious yeah and hers was actually pretty good when we ate it we liked it yeah um so anyway so um so they uh so then they they make their restaurants the guys i believe call their restaurant district which is funny because there's like two or three they're called there's district la and there's like two or three restaurants already called district here in la and then yeah they call and then the the women's team which is funny because there's only two women called there's uh palette which is funny because there used to be a restaurant called Palette. So I was like, okay, well. So the challenge was to make a restaurant

celebrating L.A. culture or something? You know, it's funny. They have these very wishy-washy, like generic themes, like California modern. Yeah, but the challenge was specifically they had to do something california right oh i don't know i didn't hear that part of it maybe well i'm because in i remember um

philip saying los angeles doesn't have a culinary perspective so this means we're wide open i'm like look i'm not a huge fan of the culinary perspective in los angeles myself but there is one and to say there's not is fucking stupid especially since every single culture in the world lives here you could choose anybody you want and choose that as your your well also especially for you to even live here and have a restaurant here and say that is and his restaurant is his restaurant is so exactly los angeles culinary the los angeles culinary scene you know it's if his style is exactly sort of exemplifies the general los angeles thing if you were sort of to exclude all the ethnicities

which of course we will because we're white like steamed vegetables and a side of side of insta likes no so so anyway um they get to cooking and there's like concern because isaac is going to be executive chef and they're like he's going to be sloppy he's not gonna be in control but he's actually really good because this is what he does every day and you know karen's karen's like when should i fire this this this when should i fire this isaac okay you know okay i'll try i can wait okay she was being a bitch to him that girl was not being cool that girl was being a bitch this week and isaac i like when isaac was like no one has faith in me but i can do this you know i've worked for i've worked for uh what's his name

oh i've worked for emerald for 10 years bitch i've worked on the internet for 10 years it doesn't make me google who cares you work for emerald you're not emerald shut up i believe that isaac is actually really good as someone who can control a kitchen. Believe it or not, I believe that. Yeah, I don't disbelieve it. And obviously we were right because they were totally fine. They were really good with

the kitchen was everything moved perfectly. Right? That was the whole thing. They were like, oh wow, turns out Isaac was really good at that. Yeah, everyone's begrudgingly giving him credit, but not really to his face. They're like, decent job, weird person that's not refined, and then would walk away. Genius. Weird person that's not refined.

Nice job, SpaghettiOs. eddios so then but on the other side um when the judges came in to their to their restaurant they stopped the whole kitchen and just focused on the judges food which then caused their entire operation to get backlogged because then people weren't getting food and then people weren't getting out of their tables and they had a huge line and so then even like once the judges were gone and and once i still sort of like in a lot of time when people were supposed to be seated and they were so far behind that there were people still sitting down towards the end of their time frame of their challenge and there were like nine orders that they couldn't even tend to because the time ran out. And that was the cliffhanger. Like, what the fuck are we going to do? We didn't get to serve nine tables.

But you can't win. You know, they set it up on this show, so you just can't win. I mean, they're doing that because they watched Top Chef, and they know that if the judges wait, you're done for. But then in this case, the judges, you know, they got fed, but then they noticed other people didn't have food. And then Marjorie is doing a perfect job on her side as far as being in front of the house she was doing great and then they

come in the moment that she's like okay time to enter because marjorie's smoking outside or whatever it was she was like checking a plate in the back and then yeah but marjorie was funny marjorie's like oh she's like oh it's, you know, no host shows up when the judges arrive. They said, how do you think Marjorie is doing? And Tom's like, well, you know, good. I mean, she's a little awkward, you know. She's a little awkward, you know, at the front of the house. I would prefer, like, less awkward.

But, you know, uh, uh. But, you know, the truth is, though, I don't think it's totally that. I didn't know i had a tom by the way yeah that's good uh but they didn't you know it's not as i don't think i don't i think there's a way to win on the service front and obviously you know the marjorie team did which is you know the judges got their food but they didn't stop the whole operation and everyone else got their food like a normal restaurant you know? Yeah. The first team, the girl team, the judges were so bored. They're like, here's a, wow, look, it's a grilled piece of salmon.

And the girl's like, well, I maybe would have liked some creativity in this because it's really just a grilled piece of fish, but at least it's good. Tom's like, yeah, well, you know, bored. And then they go to the next team and they were boring too. And I just thought this is what you get when you ask for a California experience. Like, here's some grilled broccoli and some fish. Enjoy yourselves. I'm trying to remember what they served. Because I remember they liked the appetizers of one team, and they liked the entrees of another.

Right? Do you remember what it was? I believe they liked the basic creativity of the second team. Which way? The second team is the men? Yeah. But they like the food better on the first team. Right.

Well, they loved Karen's salad, right? Yes. Karen made us out. I would eat this salad every day if I was at lunch. Right. And then they also loved, what was the other thing that they loved uh for for the main because karen salad was the main right it wasn't the starter god i don't even remember i don't even write down the food stuff i just write down things like padma's boobs uh because padma's

boobs were so crazy today i was like this is lunch would you pick your tits up off the table padma and then kale i was so proud of kale not wearing um a pattern because it's like the first time we've seen her in a non-patterned dress but instead she had cut out patterns i'm like come on gail it was like little holes in the front to like make a pattern i was like give up the patterns gail gail can do no wrong in my book she can do no wrong oh wait so here i think okay so i i'm pulling up the pictures of um restaurant wars so we have there was an egg oh they loved that egg didn't they didn't they love is jeremy's arugula salad with grilled asparagus and crispy egg and truffle vinaigrette didn't they love that um i don't know but you know using truffle oil on food network

would get your ass kicked off in two seconds they hate it over there so this is what it was um they liked the starters on the men's team because they loved jeremy's arugula and grilled asparagus and egg and they also loved kwame's velouté corn and sage velouté with pancetta, which to me sounds delicious. To me, it looked just like his evil dad dinner. I liked it. I love a nice clean soup like that. I don't like when they call soup velouté or shit like that. Give me some soup.

And then there was a... So for Philip, he made a roasted salmon with a ratatouille and Greek yogurt for a main, and they didn't like the ratatouille on top. And then Amar made a roast chicken breast with polenta and wild mushroom ragu i don't even remember what they said about that one i remember the bear was like dude we get it you can make chicken breasts yeah yeah that's right i was like how dare you say that when you are mr crudo so um then on the other team uh isaac made a seafood stew with cod, shrimp, clams, mussels.

And the judges were like, blah. And then Carl, Carl is the guy who always makes generic food. He, oh, he made a terrine. That was his big, that was his big. Oh, a terrine, yeah. That was his big arc was that he didn't know if the terrine was going to come together or not. And then he was like, oh, it turned out perfectly. And the judges were like, no, not so

much. That sucks. But they loved Marjorie's marinated beets and pickled cauliflower and baby greens and shaved. And as we said before, they loved Karen's salad. Here's what I need to say, man what here's who i hate yes real people on the shows i hate the extras now i know that we were them once but at least we weren't like

steamrolling all over everything just being mean just because we're on tv they showed some people uh this one table and he's like well i really didn't like the no no no and he just kept pontificating about shit that he didn't like. I wanted to murder him. I'm like, you're getting free food. And also all the people who are like, yeah, service is taking so long. Like you just stood there for two and a half hours waiting to even start shooting. We know you did.

Yeah. So if you're like thirsty enough to be here for your free meal on TV, why don't you just shut the fuck up and say, how about that? That's one complaint. That's one complaint I would not. I think it's okay because they probably show up at like 10 in the morning

or 9.30 in the morning or 8 in the morning. Who knows what? Sit around in a loading area and then they get bused to the location where they have to stand around even longer and then they're told to go in in stages and by the time they get to the restaurant, it's been four or five hours you're starving and then you sit down and the food doesn't come out like i too would be like where is the food where is the food um you're very nice

though when you go because we waited all that time when we got there and you know like i do an hour of anything and i'm like i'm exhausted you like, this is amazing. You're so positive and nice. I was doing like, I was like Maria von Trapp twirling around on the mountaintops at the food event. Free food in every direction. I, I, I forgot what I was going to say, but. Probably because I totally interrupted you. No, no, it was fine. I was talking about, you were just, you just told all the plates.

Oh, no, I was going to say, I liked how Marjorie, like when, so Marjorie's issue, her big issue being in front of the house is that people weren't getting out of their tables

and there was a line was forming. So then she did the smart thing, which is that she offered them wine and she's like, oh, she's like, if you come this way, I can offer you some sparkling, some sparkling wine.

And they're like, oh, good. And she gets them out of the way and like, she's like, clear you come this way, I can offer you some sparkling wine. And they're like, oh, good. And she gets them out of the way. And she's like, clear it. Clear the table. That is how they do it. But it's exactly right. She did a great job.

But of course, they don't see that. Can I make an odd observation, by the way? I really liked Kwame's blazer. And I thought it was very well fitting. I didn't even notice his blazer. I noticed it. I noticed that. I was like, wow, that's a really nicely tailored blazer, Kwame's blazer and I thought it was very well fitting. I didn't even notice his blazer. I noticed it. I noticed that. I was like, wow, that's a really nicely tailored blazer, Kwame.

I think because I got two pieces of pizza for $6 at the Whole Foods and there came a point where that's all I could see. Like I could hear what was happening. I don't know how it covered my eyes, but that's all I can remember seeing. but that's all I can remember seeing. So anyway, the big cliffhanger is that the macho team ran out of time, did not get to serve everyone, and that's kind of like really bad news. But next, this coming week, it looks like part two,

there's going to be some bad food served, where the judges, like Tom was like, I can't even eat this, it's like it's inedible, they are really unhappy and things can go wrong and Jeremy's crudo is going to be under attack again so I'm excited, Restaurant Wars is the best. Jeremy I love you

why hasn't you know, Bravo is constantly trying to spin off Top Chef or find other food shows like Recipe for Deception. Why don't they do Restaurant Wars as a full spinoff? Do you think they're maybe afraid of sullying the value of Restaurant Wars when it comes up on the season? It's probably a humongous pain in the ass. That too.

It's like doing the design show too where you have to get all the people to donate all this shit for free. Because you know Bravo ain't paying for that shit. True. It's like, welcome to Crate and Barrel. Your theme is making something out of storage units. Okay. And also chicken. Go!

By the way, speaking of design shows, this is a little off topic. But on HGTV, there's a show called Ellen's Design Challenge, which I haven't watched. TV, there's a show called Ellen's Design Challenge, which I haven't watched, but just from the commercials that are on, it's people go in and they actually build things like beds and chairs and tables. Awesome. It looks really cool and looks so

Bravo. I'm wondering, how did Bravo miss that one? Because I'm sure it was pitched there. It's because everything looks like super high-end. I feel like Bravo really missed the boat on that. If it were pitched, if it had been pitched to Bravo, I feel like Bravo definitely missed the boat on that one because that seems perfect is very uh just from my experience with them they're very like they have one successful thing and they will run it into the ground i mean top chef really was luck because that was just a project runway

rip and then you know it's the same format and everything. And then all the Housewives shows. They were like, we're not making any more Housewives shows. He said that two years ago. And now there's five Housewives on a week. Because they're like, it works. They just do whatever works. But I remember it used to be.

I don't know if they still follow it. But I remember seeing the former president of Bravo say that the way that they try to develop their programming is to follow the tenets of queer eye for the straight guy which is they want to have shows that deal with um like uh what were the what were the promos well no just like like what all those guys represented they want to have shows that match that like a show for fashion a show for food a show for design

a show for whatever like all the gay things that we need to teach all those things yeah it's like shows that would stem from that and they've got obviously they've moved away from that but it used to be that you know they had top design which first season was a little rocky Like shows that would stem from that. And obviously they've moved away from that. But it used to be that they had Top Design, which the first season was a little rocky, but the second season was awesome.

They had Top Chef. They had Project Runway. That's probably why they wouldn't take another design show because that one wasn't a huge success for them. And so I think they're like, never again remember Top Design. But the thing is with Top Design, the reason they probably didn't bring it back, I imagine, is because that's probably a really expensive show. Because you're dealing with furniture and things that have to be lent and all that stuff. But with Ellen's Design Challenge, they're building everything themselves. So they just have to provide raw materials, which is significantly cheaper.

So I don't know. I love that. So it's like a carpentry show? Yeah. I mean, again, I've only seen the commercials but from the commercials you see them like uh hammering away and building things and then they show really quick glimpses of finished products it's like really cool sleek modern chairs and stuff it looks awesome oh my god i'm so and obviously ellen degenerate is behind it i should say that's the ellen that they're discussing in the title whoa a lesbian in a design challenge show love it yeah so uh the world is changing so quickly so so i mean i don't

know if the show's any good but i feel like it probably is just seems like it's a high-end competition i would have liked to seen that on bravo i would have liked to have covered that yeah i'm surprised bravo doesn't have like 20 more shows like applebee's rules or whatever like just a million shows they're trying they're trying apres ski um it seems like they've kind of abandoned the competition format i mean they've got recipe for deception but you know when they were trying for a long time to duplicate project runway they failed they've tried i mean they're still trying for a long time to duplicate Project Runway. They failed. They tried. I mean, they're still trying for Top Chef.

Competition shows have to be ending soon. I mean, I can't even. When I hear somebody sing, I'm like, oh, my God, a singer. Because there are so many American idols. I've watched so many goddamn teenagers singing like, like trying to riff and scream their throats out until they're blue in the face that it just makes me hate singing now turn off the radio darling i was thinking about bravo's uh their music show uh platinum hit actually when i was when i made when uh when i I was making the love song to Lala earlier this morning, I was I was remembering the challenge where they had to make dance music on that show.

And I was like, oh, I miss platinum hit. I could have been on there. I could have been on. I could have been on there. I could have submitted love song to Lala. You could have. They're all garage bands. They are.

They're all garage band loops so you totally should do that that song is amazing we should end the show with a little rewind okay everyone so thanks for listening come please subscribe to us on iTunes it's that way the shows come directly

into your inbox or Stitcher or whatever it also helps our show grow because it raises I think if you subscribe we oops i'm sorry i hit the mic we go higher in the rankings and the more the higher that we go in the rankings the more people find out about us it's really helpful for us um and uh thanks everyone come to our facebook page facebook.com forward slash watch what crap and patreon.com forward slash watch whatins and now to send us off once again is dj james kennedy with a love song to lala

here's your safe day don't say we're chilling when you're really have friends with some ugly fuck Hey, don't think I give a fuck about your boys When I do, they're lame as fuck Sorry, not sorry, ugly as fuck Have fun Also heard how you were killing some asshole and kissing me after That's nasty, go fuck yourself You're a stupid thing to say You're a stupid thing to say You're a stupid thing to say

You're a stupid thing to say Chris Dan! You're a stupid thing to say On the fucking line I'll walk up and shake your head like a bloke Go fuck yourself good You ever think about getting back together though?