Watch What Crappens - #2654 Southern Charm S10E02: Easterring The Pot
Episode Date: December 13, 2024There’s fallout from JT’s cane faux-paus on Southern Charm, and Craig is more than happy to fan the flames with some blatant lies. Meanwhile, Whitney cupcake shames Molly, and JT reveals ...an inflated sense of importance in Madison’s life. Watch this recap as a video and get all of our bonus episodes over at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappensSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Visit audible.ca to sign up. happens when this so much that happens. Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast
about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker, joining
me today, the one, the only Ronnie Karam. Hi Ronnie, how are you?
Well, hello Ben. How are you?
Doing just fine and dandy.
It's Friday here.
We're here to talk some Southern charm.
And of course, as you may already know, as a listener,
we are going on tour next year.
The Mounting Asterea Tour starts in January.
And right at the beginning of it, one week into it,
we have the Golden Crappies in New York City.
That is our annual award show for all things Bravo.
Although maybe this year we might allow in some
peacock stuff a bit, I don't know.
But either way, it's our award show where we give out
the best and the worst on Bravo, on TV, in our lives,
in the world, in home goods, whatever it's gonna be.
But we will have voting open in the new year and most importantly, it's a live show.
It's going to be in New York City at Town Hall on February 1st.
So please join us. It's going to be great.
We're already working on some really exciting things for it.
Going to try to get some very cool guests for it.
It's going to be a night of music and fun and joy.
So come join us. Watch our crappens.com, get your tickets and get your tickets just for
the other shows as well because they'll all be wonderful and so fun.
Be with your peeps, be with us, be yourself.
Yeah, do it.
We're also on video today on Crappens On Demand on Patreon and it's also where we are recapping
Sold On's SLC, the new show on Bravo.
So go check us out over there and let's get into it.
Today we are doing Southern Charms,
season 10 episode two, Off the Peep End.
Off the Peep End, I get it.
So we're at Craig's house, he's raining furniture
and he knocks over something onto his flowers
and he's like, oh my God, those are brand new flowers.
Sorry, babies.
They're like, fuck you, Craig.
The flowers are mad.
Then the show gives us a gift,
and it's what I've kind of loved watching.
It's one of the things I've loved watching on this show
since it started,
which is Austin slowly losing his pride and joy, his hair.
So let's go to Austin staring at himself in a mirror.
And you remember that,
how he used to confidently stare
in the mirror and be like, yeah,
and kind of shape his stupid congressman hair?
And now he looks with such worry in the mirror.
And I love it.
It just makes me feel so good.
I think part of it is that it's not misery,
but follicly challenged love's company, maybe,
is part of it.
But it's also just that he's such a douchebag and I
know it's crushing him you know yeah it's crushing him inside crushing him crushed just kidding
maybe that's a little too mean for the start of a recap but Austin sucks okay and never forget
Austin sucks when he's charming at the beginning of a season as he is currently yeah that's correct
and then we go over to Vanita's house and Vanita is feeding Charles
It's our first Vanita feeding Charles scene of the season
They always shove these at the beginning of the episode because they don't really know what to do the Vanita after all these years
still so she is feeding Charles and
Charles is just as uncharismatic as ever. So there we go. How dare you come for Charles.
Come for Austin, he deserves it.
What does Charles do to anybody, you know?
All I'm saying is I go after all the dogs on this show.
And there are many.
Somebody got to portray the hostiles, huh?
Honey, tell me what's going on there, Whitney.
And he's like, up, up.
I don't know, not much mother.
And he's just like standing there with some,
some brown liquor and a swirly glass.
I'm too poor to know what kind of these glasses these are
really, but he's swirling it around.
Like he's on masterpiece theater.
And she's like,
well, I guess I'm gonna organize this Easter dinner Whitney.
Yeah.
And she, he's like,
son's fun mother, what kind of bourbon is that Whitney?
It's 15 year Pappy Van Winkles.
Oh yeah, I used to be married to Pappy Van Winkles.
He sure had it together a lot more than you did Whitney.
You can learn a thing from Pappy.
Funny you're drinking the 15 year old Pappy Van Winkles.
I was 15 when I started dating Pappy Van Winkles.
My, how things change.
You enjoying that $2,000 bottle, Whitney?
Let me tell you something,
being married to Pappy Van Winkles,
I'll tell you, I certainly,
I was the one who was asleep for a hundred years in that relationship.
Wow, never met a more boring man in my life.
So then we go over to Shep's house and Shep, you know, it's a Shep showing us Shep again,
getting dressed, getting dressed scene with Shep.
And are there people, they're obviously doing these
for the audience, like showing the men
getting out of the shower and stuff,
but is there anyone getting off on Shep and Austin
getting out of a shower?
Can we just stop?
It's like just, it's one of those things on Bravo,
I just need to stop, just stop, please.
Yeah, they're just trolling us, that's it.
It's just a casual troll by the editors.
They're just bored and they're like,
they just know like, it's just like no one wants were just bored and they're like, they just know like,
it's just like no one wants to see it. And they're like, oh my God, let's just make people squirm.
Let's, let's, let's do that to the,
to the poor people who tune into this, to see this show.
So little Craig is there and little Craig,
I'm going to say it again.
Little Craig is tired this season.
I don't know if little Craig has had enough.
I don't know if he wants to run away from Shep,
but little Craig has lost some of his
spark there.
Sorry, little Craig.
Little Craig is a child of divorce.
So little Craig's gone through a lot.
You think that's it?
Yeah, little Craig's, you know, we're starting to see it.
We're starting to see the long-term repercussions on little Craig.
He's suffering.
Yeah.
And I think also Shep ships him off to his parents most of the time when he's not filming.
And then when he's filming
He gets the dog back. And so I think Craig is also missing his parent his real parents who are separate. Yeah, it's up spirits
so Shep FaceTimes a new face, which is Sienna his girlfriend who is
gorgeous and I don't know what she's doing with Shep but
He must have charmed her and mentioned that he owns
like five billion acres.
That's the only way I can imagine that someone.
She is Miss Bahamas and she wants to get the fuck
out of there.
And so she is going to be on a TV show that Shep is on.
That is exactly what she's doing with them.
And it's so obvious too, because the second we see her,
she's like, hey, honey, hi, second we see her, she's like...
Hey, honey. Hi, how you doing?
She's like, good.
Do I look clean? I just got out of the shower. I shaved!
Which is so sad to need a fucking award for taking a shower and shaving.
She's like, yeah, you look fresh.
For once.
He's like combed his hair down, like he does that thing with his hair,
like he's about to do a book report. He's like look at me.
Okay, everyone. Here's my book report on the Vietnam War a transcript that I did all by myself. Oh
Your hair. I like it like that. Wow. Look at your hair. She's like, yeah, I watched it and floofed it. Oh, did you cut it too?
Oh, I'm just the kind of guy who notices stuff like that.
Yeah. Sienna and I met on this dating site called Garsh for Garsh, and I was enthralled by her basically.
Plenty of garshes.
Yeah, it just didn't work out on okay g Garsh. So I moved on to.
Garsh.
Garsh. Because he's talking about Raya, right? I assume.
Anyone who's like a celebrity or wealthy, I just,
whenever they say a dating site, it's like first rule of Raya.
Don't talk about Raya. Otherwise you'll be kicked off. You won't be able to match with people like Shep Rose.
So you're going to have to get your chlamydia locally
from non celebrities.
You'll have to go to match.com.
Ew.
Gross.
Who are you Gail Simmons?
So we see them all together and everything,
and Shep's like, I just think she's so sexy,
and there's nobody else that looks anything like her.
And the whole country of the Bahamas would agree,
because she's Miss Bahamas.
Gosh.
So we see her, she is Miss Bahamas.
And-
Of course he has to be dating a Miss Bahamas.
Fucking Shep, I swear to God.
Like Shep just never understands where he's going wrong.
You know?
You don't deserve a Miss Bahamas.
Oh, I was like, wait, I think that's actually,
I think that's a great choice.
Well, it's just like, of course he has to date
like a beauty queen, you know what I mean?
Cause he's Shep, he has to have like a trophy on his mantle.
He can't just have a fucking normal conversation
with a normal person, you know what I mean? That's, that's, I'm saying that he's always looking
for some kind of trophy instead of something real.
Cause this girl's clearly nodded to him.
Yeah.
Why not, like, why not give a shot to Mitzi Goldberg?
How about that?
Yeah, why not?
Down at the CPA's office.
When you're saying, when I'm asking who's watching
those shower scenes at the beginning,
that's who, Mitzi fucking Goldberg is there.
Mitzi Goldberg, Rachel Goldfarb,
anyone whose last name starts with Gold.
Judy Gold, the comedian, you never know.
I think she might be a lesbian,
but she might turn for you, Shep.
Oh God, is she so sexy?
And then we see her in her gown and sash,
and he's like, I wish you were here.
She's like, yeah, I do want to spend some more time
with you there when there's cameras there.
Just don't try and have me come there again
when there's not cameras there.
That was really annoying.
He's like, oh, she's so beautiful here right now.
It's 70 degrees.
There's just a little, oh, sorry, it's 110 now.
Oh gosh, gosh, gosh, my hyperventilating,
but that's part of the fun, come on.
My armpit hairs are sticking to my chest, come on.
So then we go to Taylor with Gaston and she's like,
are you ready to pickle?
And unfortunately they're not actually pickling vegetables
or anything, which would have been semi interesting.
Instead they're playing pickle ball.
So Gaston's like, yeah, let's do it, baby.
She goes, wow, look both ways and hold my hand
when you cross the street.
And he's like, get out of here.
And she's like, oh man.
Glad Taylor got over her infantilizing relationships, Kink.
Yeah.
Look both ways before we cross the street.
Hold my hand, say a prayer.
For fuck's sake, just cross the street, Taylor.
Okay.
So we finally see Gaston.
Gaston, listen, we've taken some shit
for making fun of the name Gaston last week
because we're Americans.
And so to us, it's a Beauty and the Beast name.
And that's the douchiest name from Beauty and the Beast.
But people are like, hello, that's an extremely popular name
outside of America.
So sorry, outside of America, we're not making fun of you.
We're making fun of inside of America, okay?
Currently.
We're gonna hold space for the name Gaston right now.
Okay, so we're just gonna like,
for all the Gastons out there, we officially apologize.
We know this was probably a tough thing for you to listen to last week.
All the actual Gaston's out there, you know, sorry guys.
They would be Gaston to Gaston.
But let me tell you one thing about Gaston.
What?
No one works like Gaston.
No one twerks like Gaston.
No one ever is ever a jerk like Gaston. Okay.
If I knew any of that song, I would yes. And you,
but I actually don't know any of that song. I just know of the song.
I don't know what song you're talking about,
but no one is big like Gaston and no one is a kingpin like Gaston. Okay.
That doesn't know one is a kingpin like Gaston. Okay. That doesn't know one is a no one is someone who walks across the street like Gaston. No one's a pickleball or like Gaston.
No one is a man with an interesting no one pickles like Gaston.
No one shaves his hair so close to the sides like Gaston.
Gaston, what are you doing with a beard?
And then you shave your sides of your hair all the way down to the skin,
and then you have more hair on time.
Gaston's a mess, can I just say?
And Gaston's been working to get on TV for a long time.
He's been fucking people all over Bravo to try and get on here.
And you're finally on, and this is the hair you show up into Pickle.
Yeah, well, he has a vertical mullet, which is it's party on
the bar. It's like it's like party on the bottom and work on
the top or something like that. Or maybe it's the other way
around. I just made that up right now. But the point is, it's
a very popular style amongst like men his age, which is like
your shave, shave, shave, shave, shave, then almost lots of
hair. It's kind of like the mushroom, but it's not the
mushroom. It's just a thing. It's like this weird choppy
It's like intentionally choppy, but I have to say I still prefer it over the broccoli bangs. So like, you know, that's true
Yeah
Let's let's not let's not forget the real enemy in our lives and I'm being a dick
But you know what you guys at the end of the day you get nothing for nothing and no one's slick as Gaston
And no one's quick as Gaston. So who the fuck am I?
Okay, I'm not Gaston.
That's for God damn it.
You're Jean Valjean.
Two, four, six Gaston.
Okay, so here we are, Pickling,
which I guess we're saying Pickling now about pickleball
because it's not obnoxious enough
without adding Pickling to the mix.
So it's not a facial treatment at Patricia's house.
It's an actual game people are playing. So they go to Pickle and Taylor, who's all smiles these
days is like Gaston and I have been dating for about seven months. We're friends and we just
went on an accidental date because my friend ended up backing out. So it was just me and Gaston.
Were you the stand in for your friend? What, what is she talking about?
It was probably her roommate who had to sit
and listen to endless stories about Shep for all that time.
And then she was like, you know what?
I don't think I want to go to dinner with Taylor anymore.
That's a little fever.
So, yeah, they had this dinner
and then four hours later he asked if he could kiss her
and she said yes.
And now here they are playing pickleball in love.
That's how it should work, you guys.
Yeah.
What, just talking?
Someone doesn't want a piece of chicken.
You eat the piece of chicken.
You marry the piece of chicken.
That's it.
Isn't that how it worked on
Secret Lives of Mormon Wives?
I feel like that's a good story.
I feel like we've heard this story a lot lately, yeah.
And I mean, I do, I'm not being sarcastic.
It shouldn't be that easy.
It shouldn't be like, oh my God,
I gotta go on Plenty of Gorsha and find somebody.
Oh, how's this gonna work?
Ah!
No, you should go to the leftover bin,
see what's in there, see something you can handle
for a little while, just marry it.
But yeah, it's like thrifting.
Yeah. So now we see the producers like, how does this how does Gaston compare to your last relationship?
And then of course, they trot out that famous clip of Shep yelling at Taylor about the broken egg during games.
It's like it's a clip that will live in infamy and they're gonna trot it out whenever they can as they should.
Yeah.
You fucking idiot. Do do do do have a comb over it like Trump?
Yeah, it's great.
I love, don't say it.
Oh, sorry.
We're on Bravo.
Wait till season two.
So then the producer asks Shep,
what do you think about Taylor's boyfriend?
And he has a really specific take.
He's like, gosh, he looks kind of like a villain
from The Bourne Identity. I haven't seen The Bourne Identity in a long time, specific take. He's like, gosh, he looks kind of like a villain from the born identity.
I haven't seen the born identity in a long time, but did the villains,
it was funny shorts,
but it was hilarious.
And Taylor's like Gaston is sexually inclined. I'll say that. Well,
I would have to imagine,
I feel like you cannot be named Gaston and not be sexually inclined.
Like I feel like he's probably like a show pony
in there or something.
That's a numerology for lots of sperm, for sure.
And he's like, I can see him screwing on a silencer
and breaking into a room.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Ha ha ha ha ha.
But I'll tell you this, I know that her mom and dad
wish she was still with me and her grandfather
and grandmother and her whole family.
And she put out an Instagram response to that
or something that was like,
you like literally emotionally abused me
on national TV for years.
And you really think my family wants me to be with you?
Oh my God, did you see our farm?
me to be with you. Oh my God. Did you see our farm?
So then a chef is like, well, ah, hey, so Sienna, I can jump on a plane and head to NASA anytime. I mean, God, Sienna, I would love to come and hang out there
for an extended period of time if you let me. But I know you're busy, so I
don't want to monopolize your time. And she's like, no, it's, it's fine.
We just have to plan it ahead of time.
You know, I just have to send all my relatives that I'm too embarrassed to admit that I
date you.
I just can't send them to a different island and then then you can come over.
It just takes a little bit of work on my, I have to basically tell everyone, hey, I'm
going out of town.
And then I'm actually not out of town.
I just hide on a different part of the Bahamas.
So that way I don't have to, you know, cross cross paths with anyone while I'm holding your hands town, I just hide on a different part of the Bahamas, so that way I don't have to cross paths
with anyone while I'm holding her hands.
That's all.
At the very least, I need to start telling everybody now
that my uncle's old drunk friend from college
has been Facebook messaging me,
so they're not shocked when they show up.
So, Shep is like,
Sienna is very smart and driven and independent and you know, she's flying here and there
and modeling, she got into med school
and she's like, a lot of things that Taylor wasn't
and she wears better sweaters too.
Even though Taylor is younger.
No, even though she's younger.
Oh no, I'm sorry, sorry, Shiana's younger.
Yeah, this chick's younger.
And so it says, we see a picture of CNN Shep
and it says 26 and 44.
Ding.
Well, Shep likes that.
That was the whole thing is that Shep likes
a well-traveled person and he likes to travel with them.
That was the whole thing with her,
with Taylor for several seasons.
But I wanna go to Paris.
So Shep-
With the child. I wanna go to Paris with somebody that I want to go to Paris. So, Shep, um. With a child.
I want to go to Paris with somebody
that I could be the father of.
That's it.
Also who could possibly take care of me
and fix ruptured spleens and such, and et cetera, et cetera.
I got the best of both worlds.
I got someone to pass STDs on to,
and then somebody to nurse us through it.
Gosh.
And you know, as far as having your own thing and going on and being a big baller a little bit,
like she just sort of has that.
Taylor's like, yeah, Gaston and I,
we're like a similar age and our relationships
feel more like a partnership.
And like Gaston really makes me feel like I'm good enough.
And that's like different from me.
Because now I can play pickleball and not get yelled at.
Like, wow, your bar is so low right now.
Shep really did a number on you.
I'm good enough to play pickleball with.
Gaston made me know that much.
Whoa!
Marriage bells are ringing, girl!
So Gaston beats her, which I like.
Because there are shades of Shep already in Gaston,
first of all, because don't you remember in the beginning,
Shep was like, hey, sweet poogie doogie.
Like he was like that too in the beginning.
That's how Gaston is.
Hey, babe, you know you want a pickle?
Hey, great job, babe.
You did a great job on that pickle hit.
And then it ends with him kicking her ass
and being like, haha, beats ya!
Like well, I see shades of your past here.
Yes, enjoy.
And he goes, yeah, you tried.
You tried.
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So we go over to JT's Airbnb property, the Ann's,
and his mom bunny is back. Um, and she is just as, um,
disinterested with JT as so many other people are right now. And so, uh,
Bunny and his sister, Nicole, they're walking around and he's,
cause they're going to be doing some work in there or et cetera.
And Bunny's like, wow, this is way bigger than I envisioned it. Sorry, JT,
not talking about you, sweetheart. One thing no one's ever said to my son.
It's way bigger, way bigger.
He's like, oh, mom, mom, remember,
this was just a bunch of dirt back here.
Remember, remember when I showed you this?
You and poppy seed were on FaceTime,
and I showed you the dirt.
Well, the dirt's gone, mom.
Am I the best little son in the world?
And he's like, I need my Navy SEALs here, if you will,
of design and creativity, my mama bunny and my sister,
what's your face? So, you know, if you look around, you'll notice,
this is the biggest Airbnb in all of this part of this block of
downtown Charleston.
So.
But he's like, well, that's a feat.
Congratulations.
You know, be even more impressive at Starbucks.
Okay.
I'm your mother and you greet me with empty arms and I'm holding a canvas on my shoulder
and you can't even get me a venti anything.
Thanks a lot.
It's like, I don't identify as rich, but I do feel like I'm doing well.
You know, I had like eight other Airbnbs.
They're very valuable.
And this one, this one has hotel zoning
and that makes it very popular,
which is why I bought myself a cake pop
with the money my left, my mama left on my Starbucks card.
Thank you, mama.
That was my cake pop.
So the sister is, they're just talking about doing this,
like this painting, whatever, and they're going inside
and we see a flashback to some of Bunny's greatest hits,
which is last year, her saying,
Oh JT, these pillows are just fine for a fishing cabin.
And the mom and Nicole have made him a painting for his new place and he commissioned it.
He commissioned it.
You commissioned, you asked your mom to paint something.
Hey, sorry Ben, I commissioned my mom to give me a ride to their park.
Gotta go.
It's a bunny original. I can I
commissioned a bowl of soup from mama. So thanks, mama. This is
delicious. I commissioned a painting of a marsh in
Charleston. I was like, Oh, how beautiful everyone loves to look
at a marsh. Well, I saw an oil slick the other day and I was
like, mama, can you make that into a painting for the Airbnb
or snakes? Mama, remember when those ducks got stuck in the other day and I was like, mama, can you make that into a painting for the Airbnb or stinks mama?
Remember when those ducks got stuck in the marsh after the last flood and they
came out covered in oil, can I get a painting of that?
Hi mama.
Remember when they found the dead body in the marsh and they had to close it all
down, but I just gone waiting through there.
So I may have gotten an infection from a cadaver. I can't do a painting of that.
So, yeah, he really loves the Charleston Marsh guys.
Tourist!
Tourist!
That is such a tourist thing.
Like, wow.
What is that?
It's a marsh.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
It's a lot of mud, kid.
It's a lot of mud.
So it's like the cherry on top of this house
is ultimately it became this hotel.
And so they make him close his eyes,
they could surprise him and it's a marsh.
It is a painting of a marsh.
Marsh!
That's what Seth knows he's found to his soulmate
when he meets somebody that's like, oh marsh,
marsh, no marsh, marsh!
When he meets somebody that's like, Oh, Marsh Marsh Marsh.
So they're like, okay, JT, okay.
Close your eyes. Very close.
Garth Ross.
Garth Ross.
Sorry.
Sorry.
Gar JT.
Okay.
Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
We're going to reveal this painting.
Okay.
All right.
Open your eyes.
Guess what?
It's not a painting is a list of things that you owe us starting with your eyes. Okay, we're gonna reveal this painting. Okay, all right, open your eyes. Guess what?
It's not a painting.
It's a list of things that you owe us
starting with a Starbucks, okay?
Once we get the Starbucks, then you get the Marsh.
So he puts the painting on the ground.
He's like, oh, it's killing me
that that painting is laying on the floor.
He's like, well, actually, I don't need some advice, y'all,
because I've apparently disrespected Ms. Patricia.
What do you think of that?
Cause I gave her a cane and they're like,
oh my God, a cane?
Why the fuck would you give her a cane?
He's like, cause everyone got a cane,
be supportive of me.
And they're like, oh, you idiot.
You're not even walking with your cane, right?
You're walking with your cane on the healed leg.
He's not even walking with his cane on the hurt leg. He's not even walking with his cane on the hurt leg.
Has anybody else noticed that?
Bunny is like, okay, you know what, honey?
You know what, honey?
I would like a cane.
I would like a cane.
Okay, give me that cane.
Give me that cane.
A-poo!
That's what you get.
Why don't you?
Mama, you just hit me up the side of the head
with the cane.
That's what you get for giving an older lady a cane.
Shame on you, son.
I tell you what I'm about to do.
Raise cane.
How dare you?
How dare you speak to a woman like that?
He's like, well, I thought it was cute.
She's like, it wasn't cute.
I thought it was fun.
It wasn't fun.
She's like, yeah, I guess it was a dumb move.
So then Bunny's like, well,
you could always write an apology letter
or at least have your sister do it.
She's got better penmanship.
All right.
Jessica or whatever your name is,
just draw a picture of a marsh and send it to Patricia.
Okay, everyone loves a marsh.
Marshes fix everything.
I think that's a well-known fact.
Okay, so can I commission a small marsh picture
where we can put an envelope and send to Ms. Pat?
Thank you so much.
She actually does give the best idea.
She goes, you should never give her a cane.
Honey, you should only give her a martini.
He's like, oh, good idea, mama.
That's all you need to do.
That's all you needed to do.
So now we go to Molly's house and her dog is barking,
her dog Zoe, and she calls her mom,
and her mom just sends her a voicemail, which is hilarious.
And Molly's like, God, why don't you love me?
Old people, all right, okay.
All right, well, I guess I'll just do my makeup.
So her mom then finally calls back and she's like,
oh, sorry, you couldn't catch me.
I was cleaning out my closet of all the memories of you.
Sorry.
Did I say that part out loud?
My bad.
So Molly's like,
I figured you were doing something really important
if you're gonna ignore me.
So I just have like a cute little mom daughter relationship
and we find out a little bit about Molly.
She was born in Barnwell, South Carolina,
which is just the most Southern thing I could ever hear of.
I was born in a place called Barnwell.
They do Barnes well there.
And my evil brother was born in the town over barn sick.
Everyone knew he was trouble.
She was adopted by two attorneys.
And so she moved there when she was three days old and she loves her parents.
And she feels like she hit the lottery.
But the most interesting part about this, I think, is she's telling her mom about
she missed some notes. So automatically you think like, OK, she's singing.
No, she plays the miniature tuba. It's called the euphonium.
She's a euphonium stan.
And when she was 10, I guess it was time to pick out an instrument in school.
And she said she couldn't make said she couldn't make a noise
until she got to the trombone,
but the trombone was too short.
So she wound up with the euphonium.
And now she's like, she's like,
it's funny because it was too short and now I'm gigantic.
And we see basically Bollie's trajectory in this story,
settling, right?
She tries one thing, it doesn't work,
so she just moves to the next thing,
and the first thing that even kind of works,
even though it's not necessarily her passion,
she just jumps on because it's easiest.
And I think we see her love trajectory
playing out on this show.
Here it is.
Thanks for being so on the nose, Molly.
And also watch out because I kind of like you
and you're like settling to the degree
that you have settled to in this episode
is so fucking sad I can't.
It's like a tuba song.
It literally is like a tuba song.
God, Molly's whole story is gonna be played by a euphonium.
Her whole, it's gonna be scored by a euphonium. Her whole, it's gonna be scored by a euphonium.
Just, brrr.
Brrr.
Brrr.
Also, I'm realizing that this is settling a debate
that we had when we did our trailer trash of this.
Huge, huge debate.
That was a damn dirty fight.
I didn't speak to your ass for a week after that one.
For a week, for a week.
I, well, part of that, I did give you a cane,
so it was a little awkward.
But to be fair, you gave me a painting of a marsh,
and I was like, excuse you.
No, but I seem to remember we had a discussion,
and I was like, that's a tuba.
That was a big pig.
But I was like, that's a tuba,
and you were like, it's a French horn.
I was like, it's a tuba.
You're like, it's a French horn.
And we sat there and actually discussed this for a while.
And little did we realize there was some other sneaky brass
in there called a euphonium that snuck right in.
And that's what it was all this time.
Yeah, it was a euphonium.
And we actually had a listener that was like,
that's a euphonium.
And I was like, oh God, stop making up fucking words.
Yeah.
Stop just inventing instruments, okay?
Euphonium.
Stop trying to make me look stupid.
Made up words.
I'm repeating that.
You're not getting me again, mother.
Euphonium, come on.
She talks about how she likes to chill, which we know.
And she doesn't like to stand up like her mother.
Her mom's like, I hate standing up.
She goes, what are you doing, mom?
She goes, you know, we're just chilling.
I'm lounging on my sectional sofa.
You know me, I like to sit.
She goes, yeah, me too, mom.
She goes, I wonder where you got that?
You, mama, you.
So, mom is like, yeah, I chilled out a lot.
And, you know, I used to be a wild child in my early twenties.
I moved around, lived in LA, Miami, New York for modeling, you know,
and we see pictures of her on top model and everything.
And she goes, but now that I've gained weight, I've just not been modeling.
You know, I've got, by the way, and she, this is, you would never look at this person and be like, wow, wow.
She's, look at her, like out of control.
She's like, it just shows how cruel
or how like rigid the modeling industry is.
That like the way she looks now, it's like,
mm, we gotta put her out to pasture.
It's wild.
One also just body dysmorphia in general,
what it does to you is crazy.
Cause whatever she's seeing is not what we're seeing.
I get it. I have all of that stuff, so I get it.
But it's sad to watch it in someone else.
For me, it's fun. For me,
being self-deprecating about it and stuff like that is my hobby.
But seeing somebody else do it, I'm like,
oh no, stop. No, girl, no, stop.
Because obviously, she's stunning and gorgeous. Even if she's not, it's like, oh no, stop. No, girl, no, stop. Because obviously she's stunning and gorgeous.
And even if she's not, it's like, I don't know, stop it.
Just stop being mean to yourself.
You've got a mother who loves you and who likes to sit.
What more do you need, Molly?
And you've got a euphonium.
You basically have a, you know what?
You know what's nice about a euphonium?
It's like having a child that doesn't like talk or be annoying.
It's just can sit on your lap and you can be like, oh, my sweet little child.
I can tell it stories and I can kiss it.
Maybe this is not a great metaphor.
This analogy lost its way.
Like the euphonium in pop culture.
The euphonium in pop.
You know, look, just, you know, stop beating yourself up.
There's this ice cream place I really love,
and I'm trying to remember if it's Leowyn's,
I think it's Leowyn's, however you pronounce that one.
Van Leowyn's.
Van Leowyn's not to be confused with Pappy Van Winkle's.
Yeah, and they have like a lot of fun sayings about eating ice cream, like counting calories is hard
if you do it or something like that.
You know, like don't count calories,
count ice cream pints that are piling up
in the back of your room or whatever.
But it was like very pro,, eat it and shut up.
And I like that. Yeah. You know,
I feel like it's kind of my therapy oddly enough,
which is super weird because I'm getting therapy at my other therapist office,
which is ice cream. So it's like, I'm getting two therapies in one.
That's great. That's nice. That works out very nicely. I would say,
you know, it does. I'm looking for, okay, Van Leeuwen ice cream motto,
a life without anything good is bad.
See?
You know, they really, they really just,
they really nailed that.
Yeah.
A life without anything good is-
If you have a mouth, we have a flavor.
I like that one.
If you've got a euphonium, we've got a conium for you.
Okay, so then Molly, just Molly's back
because her parents are getting older and stuff,
but also she's not modeling.
So she doesn't know, we've got kind of a Landon storyline
here coming up is what I feel, except I like her.
She's not as immediately breathing a Landon storyline here coming up, is what I feel, except I like her.
She's not as immediately breathing as Landon was.
Is Landon going to be working in the White House?
Because she was an early adopter of RFK, the RFK campaign.
I'm just imagining Landon, just I'm just imagining the DC, Landon walking around DC being like,
finally, I can start the Rome website. Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Rome FK, am I right?
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
So Madison's house, family's making breakfast.
I have to say, we are always giving kids shit
about their hair.
Hudson has the best kid hair I've seen on Bravo.
Best kid hair, love it.
Very strong.
It's a little like,
Flintstone, it's a little like Pebbles Flintstone
mixed with Justin Bieber back in the day.
Love it, I think it looks great on him.
Well, Madison's not gonna allow him to have bad hair.
That is her job, and she is, takes pride.
And she's on top of everyone in that household.
She's like, now listen to me, listen to me Hudson.
I know all your friends have the stupid broccoli bangs,
but guess what? You're going to get handsome bangs. Okay.
Cause you're not leaving this house without proper bangs. Do you hear me?
Do you hear me now? Put on this robe and make me some pancakes.
You better get your hair cut how I want to.
Or the second you walk outside that neighbor boy is going to bully you again.
Like he did last time. You got a stupid haircut. Wait, did I say that out loud?
Damn it. Damn it.
Dang it.
Honey.
Betuson.
So, and Hudson does have a very smart little robot and they're making very good
looking pancake, like very, very good pancakes.
I was like, they know what's going on.
But in the middle of this and Brett is looking hunky and his arms are, you know,
popping. It's like the, you know, after,
after you see like the Austin in the morning morning semi-short list and Shep,
by the time Brett comes along, you're just like, Oh, thank God. Thank God.
I needed this right now.
I mean, it's so nice to see that there are just a real good men around.
Like he's hot. He doesn't speak. He makes pancakes.
He fights fires for fun. You know, he, he, he like 10, like,
listen, he's, he's earned so many bonus points in my book after he tended to
Hudson when he did get beat up last season. Like Brett is like,
can do no wrong in my book until he does do wrong, but for right now he's killing
it. So, um, but then he also, he like kind of coughs and, um,
it turns out that he has, he like kind of coughs and it turns out that he has or had, but he was
diagnosed with thyroid cancer at the end of basically last season.
And so it was removed, but it sounds like there was complications, maybe scarring or
whatever.
So it feels for him, it feels like there's a marble in the throat.
It's like, damn, that is, that's, I'm glad it's, I'm glad it's gone well.
Also wild that we have two thyroid cancer mentions
on Bravo in one week.
Yeah, that is weird, right?
Yeah.
Yeah, it's like male thyroid cancer prevention month.
Cause we saw it on Potomac as well,
which is super coincidental.
So, you know, she's upset about that.
He got it taken out now.
He has a little spot there that still hurts or something.
And then they talk about how Patricia's gonna host
an Easter lunch and he's gotta leave.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
You know, I really do hope that this man is a fireman
and does not have another family.
Cause at this point, it's starting to feel weird.
I'm just gonna say it right now like, really? I mean, honestly,
how many fires are there really?
In California, there really a lot of fires in California. I mean, really?
Come on. They really need people at the office there.
Yeah, no, uh, listen, um, I was going to say about him.
I don't know, but Madison's going through it. You heard it here first. What'd you say?
Separate family.
Another family. They all play proper tubas.
Yeah. So, um, we then he'll like secretly, he never speaks.
You don't know like his secret plot lines.
Like he's really in competition with Molly ever since America's Next Top Model.
He's like, I'm going to play, I'm going to have a whole family to play Zephonium.
Madison's like, Oh, hey, Molly, nice work with your beta brass.
Nice work with your little tubonium or whatever you're playing over there.
I like my, I like my tubas to be alpha.
So an alpha, my, my boyfriend's, he plays an alpha tuba while I like my, I like my tubas to be alpha. So an alpha, my,
my boyfriend's, he plays an alpha tuba while I eat my alpha corn. What do you
eat?
You're born for corn, foot corns.
Yeah. The lesser version of corn.
I'm sorry everybody.
It's Friday.
Okay.
This is what you're getting.
It's Friday and I haven't eaten breakfast yet.
I rolled up out of bed.
I rolled up out of bed and got onto this microphone.
Ben is doing this early today because I got to go get my testosterone pellet.
Okay.
So this is a very early morning, early morning recap.
This is good.
This, no, no, this, this podcast is the only thing standing
between me and McRiddle.
And I'm hoping that we cheese this out long enough
that the McRiddles will no longer be sold.
That way I prevented from making a bad decision this morning.
Oh yeah, we should.
We'll make it.
We'll make it.
We'll do that.
Okay, so well, the rate we're going, we will.
Because we're like, wow, let's talk about Euphonium
for a little bit.
Because we're only on the second scene.
Euphonium.
You know what, let's make some euphonium fanfic.
You know, Molly gets so excited every time she looks at her cable guide and she's like,
oh my God, they're finally doing a show about euphoniums.
Damn it, it's euphoria again.
Not this was going to be about teenagers doing drugs with euphoniums.
Finally, someone captures the high school euphonium players experience.
Where is Andaya's brass?
Promiscuity, drugs, and euphoniums.
Commercials, here comes one right now.
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So, basically we go to Patricia and Madison
talking about this party that Patricia's going to have.
And, you know, then we, you know, she's talking about how upset she is about the counselor,
obviously, you know, just really worried about Brett. So then they eat their pancakes.
And then we go to CHS, which is an indoor golf experience.
Yeah. It stands for come have stupid time. Leave
off the less T for savings. So they it's indoor golf. It's that
thing where you can't handle school. Star and shit.
Too early for me to make an acronym. I apologize.
So it's indoor golf.
Corks having sex.
Children having slime.
They love that slime.
Coin hating celebrity tibets.
Cockatoos. Heaven. Silence.
It's Christians holding space.
So, um.
Oh, that's good.
I like that one.
CHS, Christians holding space.
We're holding space for the lyrics of Holy Night.
Okay.
I'm the queer media, so I can say that.
Okay, so.
It's Christians having sundown.
Hmm.
I'm the queer media, so I can say that.
Okay, so.
It's Christians having sundown.
Hmm.
I'm the queer media, so I can say that.
Okay, so.
It's Christians having sundown.
Hmm. I'm the queer media, so I can say that.
Okay, so.
It's Christian's having sundown.
So then we go to JT.
So it's the boys golfing.
It's the boys in indoor golf.
JT's there.
He's like, I'll just need to check in with some friends.
They all clearly hate this guy.
It's Shep and Craig who meet him.
They hate his guts.
And you can see why.
He just comes in. He's like sitting crisscrossed apple
sauce on top of the counters.
I mean, he's just...
Yeah, it's very like sitcom neighbor kid next door,
the kid, the teenage kid that comes over next door
and sits in a cool way and is like,
so what's going on?
And tosses an apple and then eats a bite out of it.
Yeah, 100%.
You're like, but that was my apple.
So, they're playing the Valhalla chorus guys,
which is funny because that's where Vikings go to
when they die.
Watch a lot of Netflix shows about Vikings guys.
Yeah.
I am Uhtred, son of Uhtred, daddy of Uhtred,
grandpappy of Uhtred, Uhtred,
Vant Uhtred the third, baby of Uhtred.
I am Uhtred. I am Utrend.
So, um, I, euphonium.
So, euphonium.
He's like, I play the euphonium.
I bring the euphonium to Norway.
So, um, uh, they're going to play golf.
Uh, JT is actually a very good golfer.
He apparently has beaten Shep quite handily.
So he tries to take a swing, but he can't because his legs messed up.
He's like, whoops.
So then Craig is telling us, last year JT yelled at Austin all the time, but now that
he has handed his olive cane branch to Austin, we can be civil and not tear each other's lives apart.
I'm so sorry, but I said Uhtred,
and then so I started looking up pictures
of Uhtred shirtless.
So if you guys don't know who Uhtred is from that show,
The Last Kingdom, oh my God, I think that's what it's called.
This is him.
The last kingdom. Oh my God.
I think that's what it's called.
This is him.
Da na na na na.
He came.
Yeah.
Da na na na na.
I am Uhtred.
Yeah, Uhtred.
Fucking hottie.
Feeling it.
Hotty pants.
Love you, Uhtred.
Okay, so where are we golfing?
Okay.
So yeah.
So he's golfing, so taking swings
and you know, JT Tripp's and everything. And he's like, no, I'm not gonna do this anymore. Okay. So yeah. So he's golfing, so taking swings and,
you know, JT trips and everything.
And he's like, no, I'm not gonna do this anymore.
Okay.
So Shep's like, oh, you get kicked off of most courses
for dressing like that, JT.
And he's like, oh, you trying to get into my head right now?
You trying?
And okay.
He's like, I'm done now.
You guys play, you guys have to be playing.
I haven't missed a ball in a while.
And well, tell you this much,
with two legs, I beat him 18 straight holes.
And then JT is like,
so by the way, what's the feedback in the men's locker room?
Did my olive branch at least move the needle with Austin?
Or is it going to require some more?
And he's like, he's so cringy.
Everything he says is cringy.
Guys, what's the feedback in the locker room?
Yeah.
We'll also just take Austin out to get some drinks
and like squash it there.
You made the first gesture, say, hey, let's, hi, come on.
Hi.
You thought about maybe like,
mama go down to the local watering hole,
like literally at the marsh.
I love a marsh. My mama made a real pretty painting of it like literally at the marsh. I love a marsh, you want?
My mama made a real pretty painting of it.
You wanna look at a painting of a marsh at Austin?
The people in the Florida.
He is not really trying to make up with Austin.
Obviously he's here to do what a very ham-handed housewife
does when she doesn't know what to do,
which is she just like, let's come in
and improvise storylines.
Just come in, just throw a bunch of shit at the wall,
see if anybody grabs onto anything.
He's just making up a bunch of shit.
So that's what he starts doing.
He's like, okay, well, okay.
So, you know, I gave him his Patricia Kane.
I didn't realize it at the time,
but she took offense to that Kane.
And they're like, yeah.
And he goes, but one thing I wanted to talk to you about
was Madison.
So she invites me to her event,
and I'm thinking it's gonna be a friendly event,
but then she doesn't speak to me
at the event she invites me to.
Is that weird?
Is that weird to anybody else that she's not speaking to me?
No, she probably just doesn't wanna talk to you.
She thinks you're annoying.
She has to invite you to an event
because it's on television
and you're both on a television show,
but nobody actually likes you on this show.
So you're going to be getting out a lot this season.
Yeah, you're an outsider and you tried to,
they sort of gave you an opening to come into their world,
but you went after, you went too hard and too hot
after one of the people, which would have been fine,
but like you acted like a fool at the reunion
and this world will close its doors on you. And that's what happened. So JT's like, and
then I remembered something. I remember that Madison FaceTime me when she was in the Dominican
Republic and I'm like, why is Madison FaceTiming me? And do you remember in Jamaica when she
put on my blue stripes and we see the trip last year, she put on JT's shirts and like
made fun of him and everything. And so he's like, well, I think it made Brett
get a little weird when that all went down.
So it didn't work for him to suggest
that Madison just hates him.
So now he's suggesting that Madison
really wants to have sex with him.
Or that Brett thinks that.
That Brett isn't sure. that he's now threatening Brett.
That he's secretly in love with JT.
The chef was like, is this a theory that you've developed?
Gosh, that's crazy.
Craig's like, I don't think he's that worried about you.
He fights fires.
Sorry, what'd you say?
What was the end of that, Ben?
He fights fires.
I don't think you're really something.
Okay. Well, but then why FaceTime me with your wife
to ask me if we hooked up in Jamaica?
Wait, did he actually use the words,
did you hook up in Jamaica?
Well, he was like, you left the beach and you went where?
And I'm like, this is weird.
I don't think that has anything to do with hooking up.
I think it's, I don't know. I don't know what it is, but I don't think he has anything to do with hooking up. I think it's, I don't know.
I don't know what it is, but I don't think he has a very strong case here.
So Craig's like, I'm a sucker for a good conspiracy theory.
And like, I don't even like to use the word conspiracy theory because I think it's derogatory
to all of us who have to walk backwards because we took a vaccine.
But man, JT, he really tops me. And that's hot, actually.
So then JT's like, well, you know, I think it's weird
that Brett's potentially weird about me.
No one's weird about you.
But I received a FaceTime call.
Hey, JT, I'm here with Braves Madison.
Hi, JT, I'm your bro.
Well, he wants to know what happened in Jamaica.
And I said, well, Taylor was upset.
So we went to your hotel room.
We ordered some room service and we all went to bed. And she said, thanks, Taylor was upset. So we went to your hotel room and we ordered some room service
and we all went to bed.
And she said, thanks, I.T.
Have a good rest of the day.
And then that was it.
And oh, oh, so that's not working for anybody?
All right, let me look into my storyline bag here.
OK, got some more.
The other strange thing is why she matching polka dots
with Austin.
This is even more of a stretch.
And the chef is like, gosh, the way that the gears turn in JT's
head, I'm not sure I want to know about how that goes on.
And he's like, after Carolina Cup, I'm looking at Austin and I'm
looking at Madison and I'm seeing matching polka dots.
And my mind is going, I don't know what's going on.
I'm like, JT, just say it.
You're connecting the dots.
Come on, it's right there, say it.
So yeah, they both wear the same polka dots.
Let me see a clip of it.
And JT's like, well, Madison never misses a beat.
Madison matches her ex-boyfriend
to the color of the polka dot.
And he's like, oh my God,
you sound absolutely nuts right now
before we landed on your head, JT.
But I get it,
because I've connected the pyramids,
the aliens, the panda bears,
but this is way crazier than anything I ever said.
Craig, you just said connected.
Why can't you say connect the dots?
Come on, someone make the pun.
You're one person saying connecting,
one person saying dots. Come on, connect make the pun. One person's saying connecting, one person's saying dots.
Come on, connect your own fucking dots.
On another note, here's, let me look into my bag here.
Well, bro, sorry about that bag, sorry about that bag.
Well, the Austin thing.
Do you know how hard it was for me to bring an olive branch?
Cause he's still doing the same shit.
Levis said that he had a relationship
with another girl for a few months.
Oh my God, none of this has to do with you.
Like literally none of this has to do with you.
What is wrong with you?
Yeah.
And Craig's like, that's not true.
Yeah, that's not true.
He's like, well, I'm just saying
what Leva was gossiping about.
I just want to get Ronny Caron really mad
by talking about Lev in the middle of the show
out of nowhere.
Well, Lev is pretty good though.
She's got it. She's sad to do zero this season
and she's already gotten herself in 100% of the episodes.
That's pretty good.
So Craig's like, I don't care about Lev
because Austin and Audrey are great.
And JT is like, no, look, I love you guys,
but you don't hold them accountable.
JT, do you wanna be friends with us?
Because that means you got to stop picking fights
with Austin and making up lies.
But I'm not, I'm not a one beer friend.
You're so pathetic and sad to watch,
it's hard to watch it.
So they're like, just listen, just calm down
and Leva's lying, okay?
And he goes, then you guys need to address it with Leva
and say, stop it.
And he's like, no, I don't. Well, she ran her mouth on the whole bus.
Like, so are you going to take my word or are you going to take Leva's word?
She's like, well, I'm just saying that what Rodrigo and her talked about, get mad at Leva,
someone get mad at someone around here. Well, this show is seeing what's happening
here. And I have to hand it to production because they nipped this in the bud right away.
show is seeing what's happening here and I have to hand it to production because they nipped this in the bud right away. JD, is it JT? JT comes on with a bunch of bullshit,
he's spinning, Shep is sober for a day and Craig is not playing with this bullshit, so
they're screwed. They have nobody to get messy with. They know Rodrigo is not that favored
right now in the audience because last year he called an audience member a C-word or whatever
and he's got some issues.
And then Levin never shows up to work.
So what are they gonna do?
They called the messiest gay they could,
and they said, get your ass down here, we need you.
They are the new gay.
Congratulations, thank you.
That's all you guys needed to fucking do.
By the way, spoiler alert,
we haven't really seen him yet.
We saw him a little last week,
but we're gonna meet him today.
We meet him later.
He's very soft-spoken and very nervous.
Oh, give him time.
He looks a mess.
And isn't he a main gay?
Isn't he a main cast member?
I think I see him on all the posters, right?
I think he is, yeah.
It's funny, because he's been in the background for ages.
So now he's actually- He has?
Yeah, oh yeah.
Oh yeah.
Listen, those bangs, he has like a sort of like a block
of hair on him.
I've always noticed it.
So JT is like, he's like,
well, I'm just saying what Lev is saying on the bus.
And Shep's like, so I'm where the fuck can tell you?
Knock it off.
I just told you, if you bring it up again,
you won't see me again.
And they're basically, he's just like going
and they're like, this is like stop it, JT.
This isn't gonna work.
We've decided that we're gonna circle our wagons
around the very sad campfire that is Austin, so stop it.
And Craig's like, I'm gonna get out of here.
I can't hang with people who are against my friend Austin.
Shep, I love you buddy, but this isn't healthy for me.
I am leaving.
So he gets his shit and walks out
and Shep's like, Craig, come on,
don't make me film with the extra.
And JT's like, what, what do I do?
And so Shep's just like, listen, words matter,
words matter, love your cans.
So then we go out to Austin calling his mom from the car
and she's like, hey Austin, got a job, got a life, got a career, got anything
going on yet. What do I have to pay for?
Hey, Austin, I didn't know if it was you or another fraud alert, but I guess same
difference. What's going on, honey?
He's like, Oh, well, you know, I was just in Charlotte doing some Trap Hop stuff.
Oh, that's fun.
Still playing house with that beer
that went out of business two years ago.
Okay, what else is going on?
Oh, you don't have to remind me Trap Hop's still at.
I get a Mamex bill every month, honey.
So he's like, oh, wow, mom, I'm like dating this girl.
It's been like four months. It's like amazing. It's like, oh, wow, mom, I'm like dating this girl. It's been like four months.
It's like amazing.
It's like amazing, mom.
Wow.
Wow.
Amazing that another guy has found love with somebody
probably 20 years junior.
Well, he's not as old as Shep.
How old is this one?
What, the girl?
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna say between 22 and 22 and a half.
I'm gonna give it a really wide range
between 22 and 20 and a half.
Okay, let's look at that.
Austin Krull girlfriend.
Her name is. And he says.
Oh, go ahead, sorry.
While you look that up,
he's like, it's so strange, mom.
It's like, when I leave Charlotte, I miss her.
Like, wow, wow.
Austin experiencing the basic levels
of being in step one relationship, congratulations.
So he's heading to Craig's right now.
Did you find her age, by the way?
I remember this actually, now that I'm going,
you know I really am just so predictable.
I'm sorry everybody, but of course I already went off
on this I guess on our preview recap,
which is on Patreon if anybody wants to listen to it.
We talked for an hour in the trailer trash about this show.
So I'd already looked her up before,
and I think she's 26.
Okay.
She looks really young, but I mean, he's not that old.
I mean, I don't even know how old he is.
I just, these boys, you know, these fucking boys.
Okay, so here we go.
Austin is, what are we talking about?
I'm sorry, I can't pay attention today.
I just want to Google every person we talk about.
I'm like, but I want to see their picture now.
And you know, what's a utrid been up to?
So Austin is, he's talking about, you know, what's a utrid been up to? So Austin is, he's talking about, you know, like, you know,
he's growing up. So he's like, he's like, I could take pointers from Craig.
Like he's doing so well. And we see like, we see Craig in slow motion,
like posing with pillows at like a photo shoot. And then he's like,
but on the other end, I'm like, he's so far up his own ass.
It's like, he almost likes the way it smells.
It's insane right now.
So then we go to Craig's house and he's like,
well, I want to grill sausages, hot dogs.
And then he just pulls out a huge Ziploc freezer bag
out of the freezer and it's full of hot dogs.
And he just pours it all over the grill.
It was almost like a hundred sausages there.
Yeah, and they're frozen too.
He's like,
he's like, well, here we go.
Putting the frozen, just right from the freezer
to the grill.
I was like, okay, enjoy that.
So Austin comes over, they say hi and everything.
He's like, you know, you have a hundred feet of cable
in your front porch, did you even know that?
Yeah, I left it there for chicken.
She said, why did you leave this here for me?
And I said, I don't know, do you want it?
And then she said, no.
And I was like, well, I left it there for you.
And she's like, I don't want it, Craig.
Why do I want the cable?
And I was like, I don't know.
Do you want, Craig, this is a stupid story,. Come on But the real answer is so Craig to I got a vacuum from my putting green
Does he know about you know, does he know about cordless
So
He's like, I'm glad you're here to be in the hot tub with me
Like hopefully that'll get me out of my head cold.
You invited me over to soak with you in a head cold juice.
Fuck, man, who does that?
I can't. I hate when people do that.
Like, oh, yeah, because you're a very germ germ not loving.
I don't. So like, my whole thing is this.
I'm not like such a germaphobe where I'm like, you know, like I, uh, like,
I'm not like how we Mandela or anything like that, but it's more like, you know,
I've never liked being around germs. But then after the pandemic and everything,
I'm more just like, I'm just more aware. Uh,
I think with a pandemic I'm aware of the steps you can reasonably take if you're
under the weather to help other,
to prevent other people from getting sick.
Like I now have an awareness that like, if you're under the weather,
put a mask on so that way you don't transmit as many germs. Okay.
And so like when people don't do that,
when people willingly put me in harm's way, that's when I get frustrated.
So it's less about the germs. It's more about like the lack of consideration.
So if I get invited over and then you're sitting there like coughing and you've got snot coming out of your nose and like, Oh, by the way, I have this cold, but like, no big deal. I'm like, it's like not contagious. You know what people always do that. They just like declare themselves not contagious. I'm kind of like, fuck you. Like, you could have either told me or put a mask on.
or put a mask on. Yeah.
So he's like, come on, let's soak in my juices.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
So he's like, so dude, me and Shep went to hang with JT
and he was like, like, do you think I apologized to Austin?
I was like, you know, it was the right thing to do.
But then he was like, I think it just reflects poorly on me.
And we were like, what?
Which he didn't say.
And here comes back Craig.
You know, Craig can improve his life
and he can sober up a little bit, but Craig. You know, Craig can improve his life
and he can sober up a little bit,
but we can never forget that Craig is a compulsive liar.
He doesn't have to lie.
He's not lying about anything important.
It's just like fun for him.
Or do you think he actually remembers things
this differently?
Because it seems like he's just lying for fun
at this point, right?
Yeah, like he is fully fabricating things
because Austin's like, seriously?
For him to say I treat her horribly, like we're so great.
We're so happy.
Blows my mind what a fucking asshole he is.
I'm like, yeah, but you are too.
So now JT is like setting up stuff in his stuff in his, his, um, in his apartment,
he's moving into a new place and Vanita comes over and she's like, Oh, how are
you? Cause she's lost her voice. So apparently everyone's like here.
Are they all making out? What is going on? So weird.
They'll say it's pollen or whatever. I'm like, no, you guys are all,
y'all got a cold.
You all did a batch of this.
You all gave each other a cold.
Yeah.
So they happened.
Basically they're, they have a very, you know,
kind of boring conversation and she was like,
I don't like that you moved
because now we can't go have coffee.
And he's like, well, you can still have coffee,
pretty lady.
And then we start talking about his thing with.
Well, he's looking out, they go on, yeah, then we start talking about his thing with,
well, he's looking out, they go on, yeah. Cause they look at the balcony, they look at all the steeples
and there's like this moment of like,
it's the city of church or whatever.
So, so Vinita's like, I have to be honest.
I'm a little, oh yeah, we can't get coffee, et cetera.
So then Vinita's saying like, you know,
it sounds like you were trying to start anew
and like, let me try to be friends.
This is what I would do.
And people, you know, with people I wanna be friends with,
you ask for help.
And he was like, well, you know, I had a conversation
and it was heavy.
Cause they got in my face.
They got my face, man.
Wish they did not get in your face.
These guys, they're all just liars.
When I mentioned Austin's gray area girlfriend thing that Levin mentioned on the bus, they're
both coming in so hot, you know, like, like I'm talking foaming at the mouth, you know,
and I was like, okay, okay, hands up, hands up, hands up. And she's like, yeah, you know,
it sounds like you were doing the right thing to me, which obviously it wasn't. And then back to
Craig, Craig's like, hey, dude, I'm not doing this shit with you.
And I was like, Austin's one of my best friends.
We've never heard Austin.
I will die for Austin.
I laid down on the road and I was like, here, hit me run over.
Trump, someone ride me over.
I would do this for Austin.
Crawl.
It's just funny.
That's the other thing with these guys.
You can't like get in the middle of their mess because like one
season Craig will be saying like Austin's like a piece of shit.
Like I don't want to talk about.
I don't want to like hang out with Austin anymore.
He always treats everyone like shit and he needs to be accountable.
Then someone comes in and is like, yeah, he does need to be accountable.
Let's go after him.
And then all of a sudden Austin's like the best.
Like, don't make fun of Austin.
He's like my best friend.
You can't come between us.
And also ultimately they're bros, right?
So bros before, you know, I don't want to say hoes
cause JT's not a hoe, but whatever he would be.
What is it?
Bros before marshes.
Actually, I'm not sure if I'm gonna do marshes then bros.
They're ultimately bros and they're the leads of the show.
So they're like, listen, we're the lead.
Like when Austin came on the show,
look how resistant Shep was to Austin.
He tried, he was so mad about Austin being on the show,
literally probably still is.
It was so hard for him to finally accept Austin.
And now they did.
And now it's just the three of them.
They're not gonna just let anybody in here,
especially someone like that.
So I think ultimately, even if they hate each other,
they're gonna stand up for each other in front of him.
It's kind of like the ladies on Salt Lake City.
They're kind of doing that right now.
They're like, I hate you, but I'll band together with you
against Bronwyn right now,
because she's coming for one of us.
So it's birds of a feather.
You don't have the right feather.
Let's get out of here, bird.
The difference is that Bronwyn can hold her own
much better than JT can.
Much better, yes.
Although he thinks he can, but he can't.
I'm not comparing Bronwyn to JT.
I'm comparing everyone on the show
how they're reacting to newbies, you know?
Yeah.
So back to JT's apartment, and he's like,
by the way, Vanito, remember when Madison threw
on my pinch-dropped outfit in Jamaica?
It was kind of like an iconic thing,
broke the internet, you know?
And she's like, oh yeah, that was funny.
Yeah, yeah.
So I have a theory about that.
That makes it, it holds a lot of water.
So when I, well, it was posted on social media and her husband saw it.
So I thought nothing of it.
And it was kind of funny, you know?
But I get a FaceTime call and questions were happening like, hey, what happened in Jamaica
with the two of you?
I'm like, this story also keeps on changing.
It's like, was it accusatory?
Was it a funny question?
Like, what's like, everyone here is just lying
on this show, I think.
Yeah, so then we go back to Craig and Austin,
and Craig's like, yeah, he said Brett called him
and thinks Madison and him fucked in Jamaica,
which is not technically what he said.
And I was like, no one thinks that you bang Madison.
And he's like, well, Brett does.
And I was like, did he accuse you of banging Madison?
And he goes, no, but he said it in so many ways.
And Austin's like, Madison, he's gonna like freak.
She's gonna like freak, that's bad shit, bro.
Yeah, and then he was like, lock this.
Madison wore polka dots to the race and guess who
else wore polka dots. And Austin's like, Whoa, that's insane. So, um, uh, we see a flash
back of that. And then Craig is like, like at this point it's like, dude, like, what
are you talking about? What are you talking about? Austin's like, JT, he couldn't hold
up, you know, uh, uh, he couldn't hold up an I'm changed man facade for long.
I thought he was gonna fake it for a few more weeks
before he went off the fucking deep end.
I thought I was in the Twilight Zone.
Dude, I don't have any more time for that shit.
Let me show you right now.
And so he's like, you know, coordinating polka dot outfits,
like, I gotta give him creativity points. That's at least like, you know, coordinating polka dot outfits, like, I gotta give him creativity points.
That's at least good, you know?
So then we go to ding, ding, ding, Patricia's house.
Yeah, poor Randy, by the way.
I just feel so bad for Randy, don't you?
He looks like a prisoner.
He looks terrified.
He looks like Martin Sheen,
just confused on a cul-de-sac is the best way I could.
Like, I thought this was a street. When did the street become a cul-de-sac is the best way I could. Like I thought this was a street. When did the street become a cul-de-sac?
Poor Randy. It's a tough journey for him. So Whitney is like, Oh mother,
I think tonight the Chateau Neuf will do this. Yes mother. Also, um,
I think people are going to want blinis, but we've got champagne here.
So Patricia comes down as the Easter party the Easter party and she's setting up,
of course, the table, which has all sorts of chocolates
and bunnies and kind of like, like gaudy pink,
you know, Easter things on it.
And it's for the first dinner party of the season.
And she's got a bunny rabbit on the table
that's left a little black jelly beans behind it.
Yeah.
Oh, this is the third palace mother.
It's been a tradition since we started Whitney.
I do like a big extravaganza for Easter.
I order candy from 10 different places.
Seas candy, Maison du Chocolat and all over the place and
jelly beans from the teeter, our grocery store.
I wonder how long this segment was of Patricia just naming off candy store.
I get M&Ms, I got Cadbury, I got Mars bars, I got a hundred thousand brands. It goes on and on.
Cause I was really expecting, I was expecting like, um,
I don't know, like really fancy ones, but I mean,
I don't know any really fancy, not any really fancy ones,
but I thought just to hear it be like, yeah,
10 different candy store sees hear it be like, yeah, 10 different candy store, C's.
It's like C's?
What the hell?
Mars and Mars.
What are you talking about?
Duty free shop at the Charlotte International Airport.
Found a couple under the couch from last year,
those count, don't they?
We did our equivalent of Don and and ditching
at the local restaurant, except that our version
is we go in, we grab a handful of Andy's mints
from the bowl, we run out of there.
Now this one's not a store, but they do somehow taste better
when you have Randy stand outside a middle school
around Halloween and then beat kids over ahead
with a flash water until they give me a candy.
That's delicious candy.
Well, we went to CVS in March
and got some leftover Hanukkah candy that no one was buying.
So if you see some gold coins around,
that's what that's about.
["BIG BANG"]
So they're getting the table set,
and Whitney's reading the names that she's put out.
And he's like, Austin, Craig, Ryan, Molly.
Oh, oh, Molly.
How coincidental, Mother?
Well, I mean, Whitney never tells me anything.
So let's get that right off the bat.
But people have told me they've hooked up five or six years ago.
So yeah, I know he like sir and they remain friends. So
let's just hope for some egg fertilization somehow. Yeah, yeah. Well, you know, I know it is
a holiday about Easter eggs. So, um, so then, uh, so Patricia is like, all right, let's have a
cocktail. And Patricia's like, by the way, as per your instructions, I have decluttered.
Thank you, Randy.
I've shoved all of my clutter and tchotchkes and junk into Randy's bedroom.
So he is going to have to climb over piles of newspapers from 1987 in order to come serve
me.
Unfortunately, I've kept the largest piece of junk
in the house, Randy.
Yes, ma'am.
Put these clamps on your nipples.
No, ma'am, please not the car battery again.
Do it.
No!
Happy Easter, junk.
I mean, mother, I'm gonna upgrade your audio system. I mean, look at I'm going to upgrade your audio system.
I mean, look at that.
It's something of the dark ages.
And we see like a 1995 like Hammerker Schlummer Bose, you know, audio thing on top of a stack
of CDs.
And Patricia's like, well, I am out of the dark ages and I like it.
Listen, you're going to have to throw me out of here before you get rid of my DMX CDs. Whitney, take a long good look at that old broken down stereo.
This is exactly what you look like to the girls you date.
Think about that.
So Craig comes over and he's like,
hey, Ms. Batt, you sound a little congested.
Are you sick?
The pollen is just pollen.
Not nobody cares, huh? They're just like, bring it in. congested. Are you sick? The pollen is just pollen.
Not nobody cares. Huh? They're just like, bring it in.
Bring me all your illnesses. Come on. Sit on my lap.
Yeah. Everyone's just like, it's not coming down their nose, hacking up their lawn. Like, uh, this is bond. This is bond.
It's like, you are green. It's the bond. This is allergies.
So they make small talk.
And then hopefully this season's new gay bone carrier
walks in.
His name is Ryan.
He's like, hey, Patricia, Whitney, how are you?
How's it going, Craig?
Patricia, love your dress so pretty.
I brought you some French chocolate.
It's like, OK, that's a good start.
Now sit down and spread something.
I hate French chocolates. So I was like, Oh, okay. Um,
she goes, so then she says, she tells us our cat friend, right?
Like, I hate chocolate. It's especially French chocolate.
Okay. That makes much more sense. I was like, Oh,
so, um, uh, Patricia has been friends with Ryan's partner, Eddie, since 2008.
And he's always been in the background on the show.
And then, Eddie and Ryan got married.
And then Patricia became really close with Ryan as a result.
Yes.
And so, they start tasting some liquor.
And then Craig starts talking to Shep.
Shep comes in, you know, it's like small talk
because everybody comes in and Shep's like,
wow, very Easter of you Whitney.
You look like you're about to go on safari.
Because everyone else is in pastels
and Whitney's in like a dark, you know, black duster.
And the blazer.
Like an animal print, it's like a black animal print shirt.
It's just like not, not very Eastery.
It's a duster.
I saw some animal print and I made him Lisa Rinna
all of a sudden, because he's also got that.
Mother, mother, hey, Shep, hello.
Okay, I can give it back.
Did you get those glasses at the gas station?
He's like, gosh, yes, I did, but they're Did you get those glasses at the gas station? He's like gosh. Yes, I did but they're Easter
Look, they're pastel
so
Molly shows up and everything and people are drinking saying hello all the usuals from a small talk because they mill about and everything and Molly tells
Us but just she makes me nervous. I'm just like is she gonna think I'm weird
We're not classy enough probably then I remember who her son is
Probably. Then I remember who her son is.
And they show a shot of Whitney in his renob days.
Like... -♪ Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re She would play well in Brooklyn. Mm-hmm. So Austin brings a bottle of wine.
He's like, sorry, it's not the best bottle of wine
that's Patricia.
And Ryan's like, well, you'd probably enjoy it
more than you would as a cane,
than a cane as a gift, wouldn't you, Patricia?
She's like, oh, a cane?
Why would you give an 80-year-old woman a cane?
And Molly's like, oh God, I thought,
he thought it would be funny.
Well, it wasn't funny.
It wasn't. They're all cracking up.
Madison's like, that's sort of joke a beta would make.
So then Craig's like, well, I don't know if Whitney is going to talk to JT
after he finds out what he said about his mom.
And everyone's like, what?
He goes, he called you a bitch.
This is just like now this is just a bold face lie.
Like this is like.
This is a bald ass face.
It's a bald face, right?
Why do people say bold face?
Isn't it bald face?
Is it bald?
It probably is bald.
But it's a bold.
But it's, but I'm saying this.
I've heard it both, but I thought it was bald.
No, I think it's bald.
But I, but I'm saying it with bold face.
I'm saying it like, like my I'm saying it like like my words
Face lie command be
Vectica wrong. It's Helvetica. You see how that I can't know how to pronounce fonts. No, it's Friday
It's hard. It's a comic sans face lie
Yeah, this is just some bullshit. This is typical Craig. And Wendy's like, wait, wait, hold on. What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
And I was like, oh my God, Whitney's gonna kill him.
So the fact that he can impugn mother,
all bets are off, he can go fuck himself.
Impugning, impugning my mother.
And Madison's like, what, maybe he's crazy.
And like, you know, Shep is like, um, gosh,
I don't remember him saying that.
I did not hear JT called Patricia a bitch for the record.
And the producer asked, because I honestly,
I think here's what I thought was going to happen.
Craig says this, we go to commercial and we come back.
Craig's like, no, just kidding. Just kidding.
But it was not, he was just fully lying.
And so, um, and Craig backs it up.
Like he's not backs up, but he'd like, he doubles down to the producer.
And so then they, they show the footage and they, they basically like no audio found,
which is that Craig fully lies and is probably going to start a season of shit because of it.
And this is how JT wins because, um I'm not sure if he's gonna win.
He loses, he leaves.
This is like, well he does leave,
but like this is, it's like JT is being a douche and stupid
but like Craig is actually just making up a blatant lie
and attacking us, like that's bullshit.
So this is where JT's gonna find his way back in, you know?
I think Craig's just like, I don't like him.
So he's gotta go.
If they're not gonna fire him,
then we'll kick him off the show.
I'll find a way to get him kicked off the show.
It's brutal.
And I kinda like it because Craig's always pretending
to be this like, I'm just such a nice guy now.
When at the end of the day, he's still fucking Craig,
but he's Craig with a twist now
because he's like twisted Craig.
Because Craig was never really mean.
He was just a liar, you know?
But this is mean.
This is just like, all right, let's just fucking ruin JT.
But JT is like someone that no one really likes,
including me, so.
I don't know.
I don't know where I stand on it, but this is messy, Craig.
Mess, mess, mess.
You know what it is?
It's more like, you know how you always say,
you're straight, JT can now It's more like, you know how you always say like,
JT can now play the victim card, you know?
And like he was sort of trying to do the victim card
and actually Craig just gave it to him.
I don't know if he'll do it successfully,
but this would be, like, I would say this.
In, you know, in all episodes long,
I'm like rolling my eyes at JT, like,
oh God, this guy's really lost his way.
But then Craig does this and I feel bad for JT
because he gets made to look like he said something
totally mean and he's gonna incur Patricia's wrath
and it's like actually kind of not fair
because Craig is, Craig totally lied about it.
So.
Yeah, I see what you mean.
It's gonna be interesting to see what happens with this
because this was pretty crazy, this was pretty low.
And now of course the whole cast can see that he's lying. So it's gonna be interesting to see what happens with this, because this was pretty crazy, this was pretty low. And now, of course, the whole cast can see that he's lying.
So it's going to be interesting to see how they react,
because they're all going to lose it on JT, you know?
So are they going to apologize?
Or is this going to be something where production
ultimately shows us that he did smutter it under his breath
or something and Craig heard it?
Because you know, production's sneaky.
So they could slip that in, in like the reunion even,
or something, and be like, no, be like, we got all of you.
I think what's gonna happen is they're gonna like laugh at
Craig like Craig, you're a fucker. You made us all believe
that. And they're like, well, we know that JT now he didn't call
picture show bitch, but he still was extremely disrespectful. So
we still stand behind that.
Yeah, well, all he really had to do was what he does next, which is continue.
Well, that was only the tip of the iceberg.
He basically just was talking a whole bunch of shit about Madison, Brett and Austin.
And I was like, I'm not saying that back it up there.
Back it up, bitch.
You better back it up.
You better clip it.
You better click, click, click.
And Craig's like, well, basically, he thinks that Brett thinks that you and JT are having
an affair
and slept together in Jamaica.
And he was dead serious.
And we were like, nobody thinks that.
And they're like, oh God, what?
Yeah.
And Molly's like, that's a joke.
And so Madison goes,
you can't talk about me all day long,
but you start talking about me.
You can talk about me all day long.
You can talk about corn.
And actually you cannot talk about corn. You can only talk about me. Because the moment you start talking about, you can talk about me all day long. You can talk about corn. Actually, you cannot talk about corn.
You can only talk about me.
Because the moment you start talking about my marriage or corn
or my husband, you are done.
Yeah.
And so, yeah, well, he was like, Brett thinks that we had sex in Jamaica
because she was wearing my clothes.
And I was like, oh, God, Shep, help me out here.
And Shep's like, well, I was like, I'm a pretty intuitive guy
who knows a lot about Ken Burns. And I don't even know what you're talking about. And then he started
sliding off the screen very slowly and was replaced in another with another gorgeous
black and white sea of Biatone picture.
You know, it's so funny, by the way, I can't believe I didn't even connect disconnect this
dot was that this morning that I was reading the New York
Times was like things that stuck with our pop culture reporters. And by the way, none, no
mention of Bravo. Once again, I'm back and I'm angry again. But one thing was there's a new Ken
Burns documentary out called Leonardo da Vinci. Gosh. So maybe, Oh God, I've been in this Vietnam war up for so long.
Find that I can move on to Da Vinci.
I'm so glad Sienna knows about Da Vinci.
She's traveled.
I'm a boy.
I'm just a little boy.
I'm just a boy who loves art.
Oh, God.
So Madison's like, well, he's gonna be the little bitch
when I'm done with him.
How about that?
Which by the way is just what she says at any given moment.
I just want everyone to know.
Like if you thought that she was just coming on hot for JT,
she says that at Starbucks too.
Like ma'am, would you like any sweetener with that?
I'll tell you what I would like with that.
No more betas,
cause he'll be the little bitch when I'm done with him.
Ma'am, can we get your name for this coffee cup?
I'm gonna kill you, bitch.
Okay, well, got it.
We got a coffee for I'm gonna kill you, bitch.
You better watch your motherfucking math
or I'm gonna take you out.
Can I get an old fashioned please?
Let's all say a prayer for JT,
cause I'm gonna fuck him up.
Which now that's an actual line here.
Well, I told him Madison's going to kill you.
And Patricia goes, let's tag team him.
Which is also another thing that no one has ever said about JT.
I was about to say, Mother, I don't think that means what you think it means.
So Madison goes, get the kinds, get the kinds.
And so, I told you so, told you so guys. So Madison goes, get the kinds, get the kinds.
And I said, oh awesome, like told you so,
told you so guys, do I feel that this is a beautiful sense
of vindication?
You're damn right I do, you're damn right.
And then we can't see the rest of the scene
because the spit covers the camera.
Yeah, we have to wait five minutes for Randy
to wipe it off the camera.
Randy, hurry up with the rags. The cameras can't shoot us.
Honey, don't spit on the camera, spit on Randy.
So, so now, then they're gonna start going,
now it's time for dinner.
So they're gonna sit down together.
This is where Madison's like,
can I get an old fashioned?
Cause I wanna fuck JT yet.
So they all sit down and everyone's like, wow, it's so pretty. It's lovely and everything. Oh wow, yeah. Patricia's like, yeah I get an old fashioned? Cause I want to, I want to fuck JT. Yeah. So they all sit down and everyone's like, wow, it's so pretty.
It's lovely and everything. Oh wow. Yeah.
Patricia's like, yeah, well we're having Easter fair ham and some crispy
macaroni and cheese and green beans, which go really well with the ham.
Can I get an old fashioned please? All right.
Let's all join hands and say a prayer for JT cause I'm going to fuck him up.
So chef is like, um, well, I'd like to talk about
why we are here.
Because they say, Shep, will you do a toast?
He goes, I'd like to talk about why we are here.
And that is Easter and Jesus.
And Jesus was a guy who was trying to do nice things,
but he was crucified like me by Taylor.
And it's bullshit. And let that
be a lesson to some of us. You are punished for your kindness, like Leonardo da Vinci
was after he drew that guy with all the arms in the circle. So anyway, that's a bad message.
But Bon is a pilot, he's a pilot, and he can fly us to the Bahamas. So that's cool!
Don't be mean to Jesus, the end.
Thank you, chat.
That was very eloquent.
I mean, it also brought up Pontius Pilate betraying Jesus.
So Ryan was like, oh, the fact that you know
who Pontius Pilate is, is impressive though.
He's like, it's a miracle.
I heard that Pontius Pilate actually had like
really good legs.
I mean, he has the origin of Pilates, right?
Unfortunately, he had a really big stomach.
That's where the term punch came from.
Craig, stop.
It's true.
Pontius Pilate called it a bitch.
Pontius Pilate said, Patricia's a bitch.
Okay, so.
Too much Pappy Van Winkle.
So now they're eating and Shep's like, I can't eat all this.
I lost 15 pounds.
And Molly's like, well, I lost 15 pounds, but I got 20 to go.
Because I gained 45 like a year and a half ago.
Because I have hormone problems.
So I fluctuate every couple of years.
But then I'm also on medicine and it causes binge eating.
And he's like, oh my god, it's like the opposite of Osempic.
She's like, literally
we're having dessert. No one listened to Molly.
So they all get served a,
can we not talk about eating disorder is at the table.
We're about to have dessert. Molly stuck it up. Give Molly four, please.
So, um, so they got cupcakes and an Austin's like, Hey, Patricia,
have you ever seen this thing where you take off the top and you make a
sandwich and the cupcake is the same. Look at this right now.
Which you know, Patricia's like poor person.
Everyone knows we did a cupcake with a fork and a knife in the first place.
It brought all the problems that way.
Um, so then Molly's like, oh, I was about to do that.
And he's like, sorry, Tucker, you snooze, you lose.
She's like, no, I was gonna do it,
so I'm gonna do it anyway.
And she says, yeah, you do that
so you don't get icing on your nose.
And Whitney goes, it's like a sandwich.
You don't like a cupcake sandwich?
You know what, Molly, that's the last thing that you need.
And everyone's like, whoa.
And her jaw drops and Patricia's like,
Patricia's face has literally never moved
this much on the show.
She's like, Whitney.
Whitney, you were supposed to tell her
that the cupcakes are not for eating,
they're for throwing at Randy.
Now you've insulted her and said.
Yeah, this is really gross.
And Molly's like, so he's calling me fat.
And he goes, I'm not calling you fat.
She goes, no.
Madison's like, no, the fuck me fat. And he goes, I'm not calling you fat. She goes, no. Madison's like,
no, the fuck you did not Whitney.
Yeah. And he's like, Oh, no, I've known her for like 10 years.
I can say these things. And Molly's like, Can you though? I
don't think so. And she's like, What the hell, Whitney, you know,
I had, I don't have the best relationship with food. So it's
like, don't be a fucking dick. Like, he's gonna be a a fucking dick. I'm like, he's gonna be a dick.
If Whitney has a choice, he's gonna be a dick.
And his thing is, well, I've known her for 10 years.
I can say that.
She needed to smash that cupcake in his fucking stupid face.
Although also Chucky, I wouldn't be,
you look like you've just been,
got your makeup done at the morgue.
So I don't know who you're making fun of over here
with your Chucky hair, but you need to shut the fuck up, sir.
She should have shoved that cupcake right in his goddamn face. Patricia would have just laughed.
Yeah. He's like, well, I mean, you're eating it like a like a fucking Big Mac. Well, it's
not like, sorry, I hate to break it to you. It's not like a cupcake in its natural state
is like representative of like, hood cuisine. It's like, oh my god, I can't believe you
ate a cupcake like a Big Mac. It's kind of a lateral move. It's a cupcake. They're brought in for children's birthdays.
Okay, so they're sold in vending machines around LA
and probably other places.
Yeah, so it's pretty bad.
And it's amazing that Winnie's a producer
so he can kind of protect himself on this show
and this still makes it in.
Imagine the shit that is cut, you know?
Like, yeesh, yikes.
So she's like, I'm gonna beat him up. Is that okay, Patricia? She, like, yikes. Yeah. So she's like, I'm going to beat him up.
Is that okay, Patricia?
She's like, mm hmm.
So Patricia's like, I'm giving up as far as grandkids are concerned.
I think I'm just going to get a kid.
Yeah.
And that's pretty much where it ends.
They put up a title card saying in loving memory of Michael Calacorce, who of course,
you may have Michael, RIP Michael. So RIP Michael. Um,
and, uh, that's the end of the episode. So, um,
thanks everyone for listening. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend. Uh,
make sure to buy some crap and tickets for Christmas gifts for all your loved
ones. Bring the whole family. They all extended first cousin, third cousin,
grandma, grandpa, anyone, Randy.
We'll see you on the road, at the very least we'll see you next week. Bye everyone. Bye.
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