Watch What Crappens - # 2668 Hot Frosty with Reality Gays Part 3

Episode Date: December 27, 2024

*This is part 3 of 4* We join forces with the glorious homos Mattie and Poodle of The Reality Gays (instagram.com/realitygayspodcast/ ) to take on our annual Christmas movie trash talking bonus spree. This year’s delight is Hot Frosty, a Netflix movie where Gretchen Weiner tries to melt off Frosty the Snowman’s weiner. It’s great for the whole frigid family! New episodes will be posted daily throughout the week. To watch them all on video and get our bonus episodes, join us at the Crappens on Demand level at Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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bright creatures by Shelby van Pelt. Find what piques your imagination. Sign up for a free 30-day Audible trial and your first audiobook is free. Visit audible.ca to sign up. Welcome back to our continuing coverage of the masterpiece that is Hot Frosty. So they get to, Cathy is going to take them in. She brings Jack to her house. Okay. And she's like, well, I don't know what to do with this person, but I'm going to do what I've heard parents do, which is stick them stick them in front of the TV. So she puts them from the TV. She turns on the turns on the TV and she's flipping through. And this is where she puts on. I think this was the falling for this is falling for Christmas. Yeah. And she says, I think I went to high school with this girl., okay. I'm gonna be this is totally honest what I'm telling you right now This is not me trying to go back to like a like a call back to all this Lauren Holly shit But what at this point in my mind? I'm watching this movie and I see that Lauren Holly is high in the credits So I know that Lauren Holly in my mind is gonna be playing a big role

I'm waiting for the or Holly to come on and For some reason out of context the TV sort of small. I did not realize that this was Lindsay Lohan. I thought it was Lauren Holly because of the red hair and it was her far away and there was fillers. And I was like, I thought when she said that reminds me of a girl from I went to high school with, I thought they were setting up a plot point

that there was gonna be this evil girl played by Lauren Holly. And I was like, are they going to have Lacey Chabert and Lauren Holly actually playing, like they went to high school together. And then I looked it up. I thought Lauren Holly is 61, Lacey Chabert is 42. I was like, I was like the balls of this movie that they're going to say that these two people who are 20 years apart are going to be classmates and she's

going to come back in and be the villain. I went down this whole path where I literally thought it was going to happen. It was much simpler. Ten more minutes of the movie of that would have been a high school friend to come in. And I was like, that would have been so much more interesting. I totally agree. I wish it would have happened. Like I literally until Lauren Hawley appeared, until she appeared later, I literally thought this was happening.

And then when I saw that they didn't that she was not the high school friend, I was like, wait a second. And I went back and I was like, oh, it was Lindsay Lohan. Oh, poor Lindsay. Who was that just last year? It's me, it's me, it's Lindsay Lohan. She's got another one this year, I think. That was five years ago, or four years ago.

But yeah, she was like, I'm back. Hey, I- Let me answer you, Lindsay. I forget. Oh, the next one I think is called Our Little Secret. It's the one that Christian Chenoweth. She's doing great. Isn't it like a War of the Roses type thing where she's- She dated-

Picked about exes who hate each other? She dated a guy and he's there at Christmas or something like that. Oh, okay. Oh my God, I love Kristin Chenoweth so much. Okay. So, Cathy, so they moved to a cooking show and Jack is like, this is what you do. And she's like, oh, do you mean cooking? Yeah, I thought you meant crying and falling downstairs. Yeah, being miserable. Yeah, my husband and I opened the diner, you know, was going to be called Kathy and Chris, but I really hated him at the time. I didn't love him until he died. It's not fucked up. Anyway, do you want some pie?

She says I used to help the chef out all the time. I even wrote some recipes. There was this really great one for sweet potato casserole. And I'm like, we all know what this is. This is sweet potatoes with marshmallows on top. That's it. It's trying to steal Patti LaBelle's bullshit. She's not going to work. And guess what? Sweet potato pie.

And it's never brought up again. Like it doesn't. They literally cook a pizza. Why doesn't she teach him how to make the sweet potato casserole? She doesn't even serve to Khrushchev's daughter. OK, this movie is nothing but just like it's just nothing but a dick tease the entire time. It's like ideas with wearing a condom. It's all these ideas that just never came to fruition.

It's like they... It's just, you know, it's just remnants from previous brands that no one thought decided to clean up. You know what? Exactly. Draft one. No one went by and chose it. Yeah. Yeah. There was a mayor in one draft.

They're gone. They're gone. And when the actors say these lines, no one says, oh, we forgot to take that out. They say, we don't have time. We could make this movie in four days. Yeah, but you're right. It should have been like, oh my gosh,

well, you know what, you like cooking videos? This is funny because I made a YouTube one time of myself making the sweet potato casserole that my husband loved. And then he becomes an expert at it and they sell 9 million of them. And then they have the bill when he needs to get out. I go, oh my God, I forgot.

I had all this money in my Venmo from those sweet potato pies I was selling for the poor children. Literally anything. Thank you. So she's just like, okay, well, here's the TV. You learn about life here. And Jack is like, thanks. I'm so excited to be here.

I love this house. And I love you. You know what? You have to stop. Okay? You don't. You don't love me. Okay? Because you know, you may like a house

or a soup. Those are things that's fine. But when you love a person, you can't love a person the way you love a soup or a house. Okay. It means more to love a person unless it's a really good soup, which I used to be able to do, but I can't cause I'm mourning. I can't cause I'm unhappy now. I'm happy people don't have patience for soup. Yeah. You don't understand the way you could toy with people's hearts. One day you're a snowman, next you're a hunk. You just can't tease a girl like that. Yeah. You know, I had someone who broke up with me one time because I said I loved you to

too many people. And I was like, what's wrong with that? Just saying I love you to people. And he was like, no, it's very serious when you say that. I was like, it's not to me. I mean, I do you to people. And he was like, no, it's very serious when you say, I was like, it's not to me. It's like, I mean, I do love the people, but I don't like, I don't know, I don't like that. Oh my God, I tell my dentist, I tell my dentist,

I love them when I leave. Listen, it's one thing to say I love you when you're, first of all, gay men can say I love you to anything and it always works, okay? But one time- Except each other, God forbid. No, that's not possible. That's true. If I say it to Poodle ever, he just immediately becomes like an ice man, like a snowman just frozen. Yeah, we can't say it to each other.

That's all she has to say. It makes me think you want something from me. Yeah. Well, believe me, I don't. I say I love people to who I love. I don't say I love you to people I don't love. Yeah. I once was invited out to brunch by this girl, and I had met her like the day before at a party, and we hit it off, and it was great, and she was like, you want to come to brunch?

And I was like, sure, this is kind of fun. Like a person I just met yesterday, I'm going to have brunch with her tomorrow. And I went and it was like all these people, it's like 10 people, it's a big party, and just had the best time. And then at the end of the brunch, she goes, Ben, I love you. And I thought like, this is weird. I just met this girl yesterday to be like, already saying, I love you to someone new. But it's like, I'm gonna go with that. It's like, you know what, Lindsay, I love you too. You're great. She's like, thanks. And then the waiter came

by and was like, well, here's your bill. And she literally turns to the waiter and goes, can I just say I love you? And I was like, excuse me. She told the waiter. She loved him. I was like, I'm a heels on telling me I was like, okay,. What? She told the waiter they loved him? She told the waiter she loved him. I was like, on the heels of telling me. I was like, okay, well, then you said it too much. And it means nothing. Nothing. Yeah.

That's okay. Well, that's a little different. That's a good example. But maybe it is a good example. But you know what? If I was that waiter, I'd have been like, what a crazy bitch. But maybe I am lovable. Do you guys, do you still think she thinks he's a drifter at this point?

Uh, I just wonder where I also questioned where in the movie where she believed he was a snowman. She, well, she right now is just, she's just, she feels like he's troubled, but that he is benign. Not that the script says that, but I think that's where we're. I think she had to make a lot of choices for herself in this. So he's like, it's so hot in here. Can we change this? So she unplugged the heater, even though it's like negative.

She's freezing. Yeah, she's freezing, but she's like, whatever. And then he's like, Kathy, I still don't understand how all this is happening, but I'm glad that you're the one who found me. Thank you. She's glad that you're the one who found me. Thank you. She's like, you're welcome. I'm going to report you to social services tomorrow. Right?

You're welcome. So the sheriff shows up again, thank God. Talking about this, there is no art to this movie. It's like just a ping pong ball. I was something I marked was the, I was like, when does this, when does the journey of this start? When does the, when does the, when does the action, when were the stakes and the, the kind of the, the action, the big thing that's going to happen. And for a minute, I thought it was the ice sculpture, the snow sculptures. The competition that this movie is.

Yeah, I think this movie should be called a Christmas edging, because that's just what it was. Just an hour and a half of edging and nobody did anything else. And so he, the sheriff is still just talking about, we've got to find the streaker. So they, what they've done, I guarantee you, Craig Robinson probably left three hours more footage on the floor of these little monologues and they just kept putting them where they needed to not make tedious things happen. And yeah. Well, I'll tell you something else. You can also love soup, Kathy, and you can also love inanimate objects or pets. Yes.

Kathy, sorry, Jake. Go ahead. I was about to stick a mic on with Kat. If she was a real cook, she would have made him a gazpacho. No, she's morning. She's morning. She's not touching. She's not doing that. She's just handing food to people, but she's not creating. She makes turkey sandwiches. That's it. Yeah. That's it. So she goes back to her cafe. The sheriff comes around and was like,

I heard that we had a strange man on the prowl and that he, and then the deputy is like, yeah, they went streaking in front of poor Ethel Jennings. I've never seen her so horned up in my life. She's walking around in a bra right now. She said, she's been playing with herself for three days straight. Yeah, Ethel's okay. She has been putting the clink three days straight. Yeah, it feels okay.

She has been putting the clink. She wants to public. So we cut to just her rubbing up on the prison bar. She's just rubbing her cross on a chair at this point. Like an inappropriate horny eight year old who doesn't know not to do that. Yeah, we had to scrape her off of a light pole in the middle of downtown. So yeah. We had a girl growing up.

I remember what was her name? Her name was Tawny. Tawny. It was like Mikael or something. No, she would just, no, we'd just be at a baseball game and she just would be rubbing herself up like on the baseball. She was old enough to know better. She just be rubbing herself on like a bench.

You're trying to talk to her and she's just basically just trying to, it was very inappropriate. Yeah. No kidding. What's going on over there? That is weird. I don't know. Why didn't anybody just go smack her? You know, sometimes it's okay to just smack a child and say, no, stop it. I'm your village. You know, that's what I tell my nieces when they're like, you're not my mother. I said, I don't give a fuck. I'm your village. And you have to listen to me.

So Sheriff Sheriff Hunter says, guys, this strange person who's on the prowl broke into reclaimed rags, which by the way, maybe work on that branding a little bit. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Yeah. What about reclaimed whimsy? Like the one near reclaimed whimsy? Yes. So like, he's like, look, it's a blatant disrespect for law and order. And this is terrible. And it needs to stop. So meanwhile, everyone's like, Okay, sure. So then we go back. Meanwhile, Kathy's house, Jack is watching TV and he's learning everything about life. So first, he's watching a cooking show and we know he's going to cook something amazing because he's like mimicking how to like make a pizza on the coffee table. So we know that's gonna come.

We know like an amazing Jack pizza is coming up soon. Can I ask a question of how, what being a snowman, what qualification of snowman makes you be able to replicate everything you see? Yeah, like super smart magic. Yeah, it's like his magic of just being super smart, which is so weird because he was just trying to eat a thermometer as you pointed out. So I'm not really sure but it's like they're brilliant. Just like savant, I guess. Your mind is made of ice and you're very sharp So I'm not really sure, but it's like they're brilliant. It's a six of aughts, I guess. If your mind is made of dice and you're very sharp,

I don't know. I'm trying to figure out where a superpower comes from. Like, how do you, like, it usually needs to come from some specific reason. And it just doesn't. It's just, he can do everything. You know what? He got his hands.

But he had scissor hands. So he was really good. Like that was the specific, he he got over sister hands. But he had sister hands. So he was really good. Like that was that was the specific he had sister hands. Life he was training his life to that. That kept going. I'm sorry. I just I just this it really. He was really good at things for like 10 minutes and then they never went back to that either. He's got a diss and then he was good at fixing things.

And then that was it. Yeah, he just like he just would like learn things off of TV. And by the way, TV tutorials are terrible. First of all, also there's no cooking shows on TV left anymore. Food, if he was watching the Food Network, he would have been watching Guy Fieri doing like the groceries.

Johnny was driving the dives, yeah. Yeah, totally. He'd be like, bam, oh, I just made pasta sauce out of jarred pasta sauce. Like, what are you, on, right? I just had some mayo, chili, lime, habanero poppers. It just says something terribly offensive. Like, Paula Dean, don't watch Paula Dean.

Where did you even find that rerun? So now he's like he's watching, uh, like Nosferatu or learning about any scared. Yeah. So how does he know? I guess he learned in Dracula. Is that where he learned that a cross scares them? Yes. Holding a cross. And this, this guy's like, this is my big physical comedy moment. Yeah. He is like everywhere looking crosses. Dustin Milligan's like, guys, just roll the camera. I'm going to try some stuff. I'm going to do this for like 20 minutes.

I'll pay everyone extra for their overtime. This is going to go on my real later. Greg Robinson, he's like, he's like, yes, Craig can do it so I can do it, too. I'm going to do some really good, like physical stuff like there's a vampire on screen. This is the part where I was a little bit like this was a little bad. It was a little clunky. She he later on is in the, he's, he- We discovered the basement.

Wait a second, hold on a second. It's not later on. This is why- It's 10 minutes later. Because this discovery, the reason, the vampire movie is what causes the discovery here, which is that he goes into the basement looking for vampires because of what he saw on TV.

And instead he finds a document that says that, um, Kathy's husband, uh, needed chemotherapy at some point in his life. As the doctor said, uh, the doctor said, yeah, his blood wasn't doing good. Uh, and that was the, that was the diagnosis and. Comic Sans followed by an emoji. His cells weren't great. And lots of question marks. Oh gosh, just, yeah, so much wackiness. LOL, LOL.

The strangest part to me was when there was a note from the husband to Kathy saying, it's not looking good for me. So it's one of the last things I'm going to go to Washington, DC on January 6th. Wish me luck. I was like, wow. Going to go out with the bang. Oh boy. Don't tread on me. But there was this one thing where yes, and this actually all is just a fever dream because Lacey Schubert,

the snowman is not real. She wakes up at the end and she just had a reaction to her COVID booster. That's what it is. It killed her. Yeah, exactly. I told you. And did you notice that these were also more horribly Photoshopped pictures of them?

These were egregious. I saw the Canva logo and I thought maybe they should have edited that out. It was quite bad. She comes back after this and he's going through all the medical. He's looking at that and he, where does he ask? He's got on an apron, rolling pins, and she's got clothes. And of course he course, she says, oh, great clothes, and starts to take off his clothes, even though he knew he needed to wear clothes before. Didn't you pick that up on TV? Like he learned about vampires and cooking.

Maybe. And modesty. Modesty. But the thing is, but the first thing, he knew he needed clothes. So that's the thing he knew about. It's like the Bible. He knew he was naked. So he immediately, so it's weird that he has- God, we need to be deprogrammed, the both of us. You and I both are sick with this Bible shit. I do this all day too. Yeah. Just like the Bible. I need to stop.

We are. We need to get some help. It's a sickness. We've been brainwashed, you know? And then whenever we start talking about something like Scientology or Mormonism, I'm like fucking Colts. And then I'm like, well, let me tell you what you would do. It's it is it is. Yeah, go ahead. So yeah. So so he basically tries to undress. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. Like that's you don't do that in front of me, et cetera. So she's like, oh, he's like, by the way,

I have something to show you in the kitchen. And she's like, okay. Um, uh, by the way, before you show me that, that first night that you, uh, said of your life, were you wearing clothes? And he's like, yeah, no, I had to, I had the scarf you gave me, but that's basically it. And she goes, Oh no, did you streak past old Mortimer Jennings? And he's like, streak? She goes, yeah, did you run by with no pants? He's like, listen, I've got something to show you in the kitchen.

Yeah. Questions. Yes. Ask me. And then she said, did you steal the clothes? And again, he knows what stealing is. He doesn't say, doesn't say's stealing? Which would have been adorable. But he goes, she's like, well, honey, there's a capitalism and here's how capitalism works. We have these things and there

are people who have them and they will don't. But he says, yeah, I did steal. And yeah, I did steal. And I'm going to get fined on my taxes because I don't have Obamacare. He learned about a lot watching television. Oh my gosh. He's like, wait a minute, why was our medical bill from Doddy $19,000? The most unbelievable part of this is just that he was about to take off his clothes and she was like, no, please don't. I know.

I'm teaching him the wrong things. I mean, for Christ's sake, it would just be him wearing him being naked with that scarf the whole time. I would mandate. Does he have any dick pics on that doc doc site or whatever it's called? I'm not going back on there again because I just felt downright unprofessional. I mean, I did that and then suddenly my whole computer screen was fully dead. I don't think this or should I just pull a, what's that guy's name?

A tube in. I don't think, Jeffrey Tubin, just jerking off there and it did a Zoom meeting. No, I wouldn't do that. I barely do that alone. Same. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. They say Hollywood is where dreams are made, a seductive city where many flock to get

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Yeah, that's okay with kidnapping, by the way, because she's just like, just stay here all day. I'm like, Kathy, you've just kidnapped this man. I think she secretly fucking hates Mel because Mel gives her shitty clothes all the time and shames her for her fashion. That starts just in a litany of just many things she's received. Yeah, they're trying to be like, oh, let's help her. Maybe she can get some better fashion at least. Here's a scarf, honey.

Maybe this will help. Honey, I got you a cheetah cardigan. Just wear this, please, honey. Is it Rivera? I'll take it. If it's animal print, you can go fuck yourself. How about that? Kathy's like, OK, well, thanks for this ugly ass scarf.

Here, I got you a sandwich with no mayo, with the driest cold cut of all turkey. Yeah. So he's making a pizza brilliantly because he learned it from the TV. Yes. So she's like, oh, my God, this is amazing. I can finally fire the only person that's taken care of me for the last year. That motherfucker. He's making eggnog, which eggnog and pizza sound disgusting together. Oh my God, they sound like they're eating my dream.

I did not know that eggnog was literal eggs. Oh yeah. That's disgusting. Why doesn't anybody die from that? How are people dying from gluten, but then people feed their children raw eggs all season and nobody thinks from that? I think they're cooked though. I think eggnog is, the eggs are cooked though. Maybe. Well, I think that like in proper eggnog, I think it's like-

Oh, they're not supposed to be cooked. No, proper eggnog is like whatever to me, but store bought eggnog, like the stuff that comes at carton, oh, that thick heavy cream laced with egg. You like it or you don't like it? You don't like it or you do like it? I love it. Yeah, I can't, I can't can't. I can't do it.

Oh, my God. Do I love it? We don't like my alcohol. I ate an eggnog ice cream the other day from Salt and Straw. That could be good. Eggnog ice cream with Christmas cookies in it. It is that could be good. That could be good. Yeah. Now, by the way, speaking of all this food stuff, this is when the movie does start to feel

like a Nancy Meyers movie. Because all of a sudden, we have soft lighting, we're in a kitchen, we're getting close ups of all this food. Well, Nancy Meyers did get boners over cooking. She loved that. She loved some cooking, Nancy Meyers. She's dead, right? Yeah, she's dead.

No, no, no, Nancy Meyers is alive. Oh, she's alive? It's Nora Ephron who died. That's one, thank you. Oh, damn it. Well, I'm sorry. I don't know why I sounded disappointed. I mean, I was disappointed that Nora Efron who died. That's one, thank you. Oh, damn it. Well, I'm sorry. I don't know why I sounded disappointed. I mean, I'm disappointed in Nora Efron past.

We, she's not long. She's not gonna live long for us because that's what we do. When we mention someone on our podcast, they usually die pretty soon. This has happened to us. Nancy Myers, it was good knowing you. Nice knowing you.

Sorry, sorry about that. It's coming up. Oh, fuck too, She's 74. Fuck. This world is fucked enough. Don't take Nancy Meyer. 74 is nothing. Yeah. Sure.

Yeah, but she loves... I always think about that scene in It's Complicated where Meryl Streep like, quote unquote, makes a chocolate croissant. I will never forget that scene. That was the best scene ever when she's like, you want to come to my bakery and I'll make you a chocolate croissant from scratch. Chocolate croissant takes like four hours to make, but I don't care. I'm still in love with Meryl Streep. That was such a good romantic movie.

I'm in love with her. I'm like, God, that's the lady who made that croissant. She could do Sophie's choice. She could do whatever she wants and whatever accent. I don't even remember, but that's complicated. Oh my God. Do your own stunts, girl. You go.

She's great. I loved her in murders. I was just gonna go back to the kitchen scene because I already can tell if we start talking about Meryl Streep, it's over. Yeah, go back. I was trying to go on. So Cathy is like, she's having a moment, an existential crisis because she's like,

I mean you're Nog, it's fantastic Nog. But you're standing here in my kitchen. I was grossed out by it. I felt like she didn't even compliment his nog. He made a perfect fucking egg literal egg nog. And she's like, I mean, God, and he's like, is it bad? And she says, it's fine. It's great. Girl, the man just made a perfect egg nog.

No, she's low. I'm like, do something like hugging him, give him, give him a compliment. Yeah, you's low. I'm like, do something like hugging and give him, give him a compliment. Yeah, you cold bitch. But she's like, she's like, it's a fantastic nod. But you're just you're standing here in my kitchen and you could barely even function this morning and you're making me drinks and dinner. I mean, that's not even mentioned the snowman part. I'm like, no, that's the part that you start. That's the part you start with. My lady, check yourself into an institution. It's that. It's the trying to make it realistic and us tracking her realism that almost makes it feel non-realistic because it's doing the opposite job.

Yeah. So he's like, well, when was the last time someone made you dinner? She goes, Isaac at the diner. He makes me dinner almost every night. I'm a woman. I don't understand how to do things for myself. And I can't even remember the last time I cooked for myself. Can't even remember. Check into a nervous hospital. Now, while honey, you need some work. This. This is the actual line. I just want to write it. So he says, Can I ask you? Earlier today, I was checking the house for vampires dot dot dot. Yep.

What's cancer? And it's the fact that they're together. What made me die laughing? I don't I laugh out loud a lot, but I laughed and I, and I, I had to put this down and I kept laughing. I had to pause it and just laugh for like five. And then I watched it like five times. Sick man. So when I was, when I was checking the house earlier tonight,

when I was downstairs checking the house for vampires, what's cancer? Also, I love that he can read so well too. So, um, she's like, Oh, it's a sickness. It's a, it's a not nice thing that happens to some people. Well, could you be more specific? Is it like when you were a few, when you refuse to let them take their penis out of their pants when they were supposed to five minutes ago? Cause that's an unpleasant thing.

Do you notice some unpleasant thing? Do you notice that she's talking to him like he's a three-year-old? I'm glad you brought this up. It's a not nice thing that happens to some people. I was going to say the same thing and I'm like, I don't understand how they are going to turn this into a romance. Don't worry. If she's talking to him like a child. And it really affects because I think we haven't talked about this yet, but this is I I think, the scene to do it. They have horrible chemistry. I agree.

He's pretty charming. They have almost little to no chemistry together. None. Yeah. Because he's acting like a five-year-old. Like, that's his character. I think that's one of the problems. And he was just born.

What? And I get why you would do that, because you did just come to life. But it takes any kind of romance off to life, but it takes all any kind of romance off the table because it's creepy. You know, who are obsessed with pretending to be a real thing. And I think that like, just because he was like he came to life, they should have made him like come to life and be like this hot suave guy who's got like full personality in the sleepy town.

And he's just like, she's just like, Whoa, you're a creep or whatever. But then she realizes that he actually has a heart instead of like, oh, he has a heart. And now I realized I could do some workarounds and find this person sexually attractive. Even though he's sort of like a child. Possibly. Or at the very least, or at least let her be in love.

Like, because I know this, because like I said, after I got high and watched George of the Jungle, Leslie Mann does a good job of like falling in love with the childlike thing of George. And that they needed her to like, maybe position her that she has grown up and closed her heart. And she's way more has to be adult about everything. And he makes her this is just tap. Do you remember how hot Brendan Fraser was in that movie? Holy shit.

Yeah. Oh my God. And he is in a loincloth the entire fucking time. Yeah. The entire time. Those were the days. His nose is perfect. So she was like, well, you know, I'm glad it happened fast because he didn't have to suffer, you know, innocent cancer.

That's barely anything. It went quick. Just have him run over by a truck. Please do not make cancer sound like it's nothing. Yeah. I don't know if it's weird. I think if you've ever been through this. As someone that's taking care of their father, yes, taking care of my father through cancer,

I don't know what I was more offended by. The notes in comic sans or this explanation. Yeah, it should just been like he would have gone to an accident or he died of hypothermia. So that way it could all be tied together. Yeah, and he died of cancer. It's just how they're dealing with it. Like, that's not something we discuss. So it's just weird. So then, and it's also getting weird with consent when you're like talking to a five-year-old. So at this point, this movie is creeping me out. And I'm like, have I just been living in the modern world too much where I'm offended at

every little thing? Because I'm not this kind of person. But I am like, oh. Also I feel like this is, you know, I also don't like about this is that like, I hate when people when movies do do a surprise cancer thing. Because I also feel like there are people who have cancer who probably turn this on as an escape. And then this sort of just gets dropped in there. Cancer is the easiest thing, though.

But they could have just said that he died of like anything. Yeah. I don't know. I just feel like cancer is actually just too, that's actually too scary versus like, it's very heavy. Yeah. Yeah, that's why they're going to love listening to this. I was checking the house for vampires. What's cancer? What's cancer? What's cancer, by the way? He did home repairs. So that's why her house looks like shit, because he did it all. Yeah, that's what we find out. So she's been in a state of-

He got step cancer. It's the kind of cancer you get when you're about to repair a step. Honeydew cancer, when you don't want to work in your house. That's so bad. Her life is on the hog right now because she hasn't moved forward. And I think we all know this guy's going to help. So he starts talking about how he tried making pizza and it was hot. And that was scary.

Couldn't do the oven. That scared him. Because I don't like the oven. No, I don't like the oven. Why is Jack Frost not watching? It's like, oh, I just watched a Ninja Creamie commercial and now I just made 31 flavors of ice cream. Like a Mexican Robin. He literally should bake ice cream for her for dinner.

He should make granitas. Snow car. Yeah, all things that are cold. This thing is fucking sick. Also, I want a child to come up and pee their name into him. We're just wasting a whole character. That's a that's what a Gamora is right there. That's what a Gamora is.

This place. You get up when you get a piss snow angel made made on you. That's a Gamora. There we go. Now they're watching TV because that's all that they can do together. So there's no meet cute and they spend their entire romance. Nope, they're already bored. I mean, this is the most realistic part of it to me. So they're watching something about Hawaii and he's like, Whoa, let's go.

She's like to Hawaii. He's like, yeah, so hot. You can't do that. I know we had a magical moment where we reached for the pizza cutter and you have feelings for me, but maybe I'm kind of worried you're gonna melt now. I don't know. Why does she care? This idea that now she's starting to believe

he may have some, in her mind, I think, maybe he does have some like problem where he cannot be in a warm climate. Like she's really doing some rationalizing. Well, but also she's just doing the whole, well, people don't do that. Cause she's like, well, here's the thing. People who just met, don't go on vacation together. Live your fucking life. Like who raised you? This is not how to live your life and go,

go on vacation with someone you don't know. Why not? Literally people do that all the time. And on top of that, like this woman, I am very concerned for her because again, she has this childlike person who's claiming to have been a snowman. She doesn't really believe it. She is already like in trouble with the law. And yet when they their fingers touch while reaching for the pizza cutter together, she's kind of like, gets kind of horned up in that moment. I'm like, really lady, you're getting warned up by this strange infantile person in your house right now.

Yeah, You're getting warned up by this strange infantile person in your house right now. Yeah. May or may not have the brain of a three-year-old. Yeah, it's weird. There's a lot of issues in this. There's a lot of creep factor issues in this. So then she's like, thanks, Kathy. And she's like, I want to keep you safe, but you'll get there fast.

You're a fast learner. And he's like, thanks, but he's moping. And so they go sit on the couch and she hugs him or no, he hugs her and she's like, sorry, I'm just not much of a hugger. I think just leave Kathy, go find someone else, go be a snowman again and let someone else put a goddamn scarf on because you really got some unlucky luck there. Yeah, she Yeah, he really, God, it's really a shame that Lauren Holly was not the one giving that scarf

because she would have a field day with this guy. Lauren Holly would be riding him like, you know. It would just be like 90 minutes of her fucking this guy. She would be fucking Mrs. Robinson with Benjamin. Oh yeah. And that leg would be up and she'd be like, I'm gonna teach you the ways of the world. And it starts with this.

And then she would have to go to the crazy doctor because her vagina has hypothermia. Yeah. And then the doctor then can fuck the snow. It works for everybody. This just snowman pass around. You got the lame person in town. You got the lame person.

You know, I have a good movie. Let's bring Frosty the snowman to life, make him fuckable and then pair him with the most boring person that was ever born. That is so true. Her personality is repellent. It is why does everyone like her? Because she has food. That's why I always carry candy. You know, you can always make it. Yes, exactly. So she basically says-

It sounded weird, right? Yeah. Yeah, I did. I carry candy because I'm a binge eater. But also I want to say, this is also hilarious to me is that like that. She's like, okay, well after this hug, she doesn't like being hug because you know, she's cold guys. That's the theme.

And so, um, she's like, okay, well good night. And he's like, well, what do I do tomorrow? And she's like, just watch TV, just whatever, just stay in the house and lay low. That should be the end of the scene. But then he's like, okay. And she goes, all right, bye. It was so weird. The first thing they teach you is like, you don't have to say goodbye on your scene. No, that is.

Bye. Bye. Good night. And he also is like, don't take the dishes, I'll do the dishes, because he's like the perfect man. And so now you know how to do dishes. Was that on TV too? And why is she going to bed? If a man came to my house, cooked me pizza and said, I'm going to do the dishes, I don't care what happened to my vagina. I'd be fucking that man. Yeah. I agree.

And also, she still doesn't know if she can really trust him. This is still someone who may be a drifter who might steal from her. It's all ridiculous. But I mean, what is he gonna take? What is he gonna take? A working step. I'm gonna push back a little bit Poodle because you like a little bit of danger with your men.

True, but I don't trust them. They have to go to the lock closet after we're done. There we go. Yeah. Yeah. So he hide my valuables. Yeah, she goes to sleep metal detector on your way out, please. She goes to sleep and he stays up watching TV and starts watching a DIY channel where he learns about how to fix a roof

and things like that. Does he need to sleep? Does that's the thing?. That's the thing. I don't think so. Yeah. Oh, he doesn't sleep? I was asking. We never saw him sleep in this movie.

That's so weird because they even opened the door when he asked what a vampire is. Apparently he has a digestive system. Apparently he can eat only some food. There's so many questions. I don't, I just don't feel like they built out this world properly. So Jack, Jack is watching TV the next day and I'm sorry. No, he watched TV. So now it's the next day. He just watched this home improvement stuff. So now he's out on the roof shirtless again and he is fixing the roof. And because he's excited to do things,

and a car comes trundling down the street, and we see a shock of blonde hair, and we're thinking, who is this now? And it's Jane Miller. And all of a sudden, it turns out this is Lauren Holly. Lauren Holly is driving and she looks at her with these glasses. She's got these glasses and she sees a shirtless stud on a roof. And she's like, thank you, God. Thank you. Christmas comes early. Literally, literally crashes her car. Yeah, she stops back to her car, crashes our car.

He Superman slides down the ladder. And that was unbelievable. This this town is so under sexed. I don't know what's going on I gotta say it's his I Don't I'm gonna say something and y'all are either going to agree or have a very visceral reaction to this There's this close-up on his abs and his abs are on par to me to Brad Pitt's abs in Fight Club Wow. Wow. No, No, they were serious abs.

They were serious. I think it also why he's so skinny is someone who, like him, I think he probably did it naturally. And that's what it looks like when you get so, so buff. Some people don't bulk up. And not familiar. He had come gutters, though. He did. Look come gutters though. He did.

Look at Ronnie's face. You get everything. You've never heard of come gutters? That's called my belly button. I don't know what you're even talking about. Or a peeing ravine. Oh my gosh. It's where the cum just drains.

Oh, you are so disgusting. It's like the bottom of a pinball machine. Well, thank you for bringing it to that at least, Ben. Jesus Christ, you two. A pinball machine. Well, thank you for bringing it to that, at least Ben. Jesus Christ. It's a ball machine that you want to fuck. So the next day. So, yeah, I'm sorry. So she's so she's all like, you know, she's crashed her car and he's like,

Are you all right? She's like, Oh, I think I think I'll be fine. She's like, she can't wait to tell all the ladies because she has. It's like joining to push you from behind. She's like, fuck yeah. Back at the brothel. She's like, Oh, yes. Oh, God. Oh, I was like, you want me to push you from behind? She's like, fuck yeah. Back at the brothel. She's like, oh, yes. Oh, God.

Oh, sorry. I was like, was she the one unpeeling her candy slowly at the movie theater? Yes. Yes. And she said, how are you at electricity? And he's like, oh, I'm great. And she said, I should have you work for me sometime.

And he's like, I'm going to get my shirt. Please don't. Please do. And I feel like I'm sad to admit this, but in the next scene where we see all these women sitting here. Horny old ladies, yeah. I wanted to ask you all a question.

And I'd like to hear everybody's answer. Where did the costume department get these women's outfits? BLAIR Delia's. BLAIR Delia's. BLAIR Eileen's basement. BLAIR I loved this group of women and I felt like we deserved more of them in the movie. BLAIR Yeah, it's because suddenly we were in, we were in Boca Raton or Pond Springs, like the outfits. BLAIR I don't know why these women were over there. Suddenly we were in Boca Raton or Pond Springs, like the outfits.

I don't know why these women were over there. Because she's like, I got a hot guy, guys. Come over and look at the hot guy. They're not gay. You know, women, gay guys like we were talking about earlier, we're so used to people who make an effort around us that we can just see penis or abs or whatever whenever we want to, really. I had a guy who mounted my curtains, who was really hot.

And I told my neighbor and she came up and we hung out. Hell yeah. I've done that too. Yes. Yeah. Nevermind. Wait, wait. You just invited this person that just did work for you

and they just stood around? No, no, no. He was doing work and putting up my curtains and all this. And then I told my neighbor, I was like, he's really hot. I was like, you should come up. She's like, oh, I see, just to ogle him. Yes. Why can Wally does it?

I did that with a neighbor when a guy from Glee, he was like, I was in Glee. And he came over and put up a ceiling fan a long time ago. And I called my friend over cause he was really hot. Wait, was it calledord Overstreet? No, it was, I didn't know who it was. And I watched Lee, so he was probably like very low on the Lee Potem pole. Look, Ronnie, as someone who has a lot of construction in your house, I'm always willing

to come over. Just invite me if they're hot. Well, unfortunately, I didn't cast this at a central casting. This was not cast by me. Thank God, I would never get anything done. So we're at the women I've all gathered just to stare at this hot guy, because it's either the hot guy or it's like...

No, that's a fee. There's really no one left in the... No, there's no, we've seen everybody in the town. No one left to stare at in this town, okay? So then he's like, okay, well, ladies, he turns on the light, they all applaud. And he's like, is there anything else I could do for you? And Sheila is like, well, you know what? My son Brandon is the principal at the middle school and they just lost their maintenance

staff in a horrific accident with the town bridge. You just don't even want to see that. Okay. I was thrown by them. I was like, what happened? The entire maintenance staff. Well, they went on strike because they were not being paid fair wages. So anyway, I don't want to get political.

Will you do the work instead? Could you be a scab for us? Mm-hmm, please. Yeah, it was basically that. And then they lose their entire maintenance staff. Like, what happened? It is strange. The other snowmen?

I think what this movie really need, it needed like a snow NATO. It needed to begin with like a really bad snowstorm. So then it would explain some of this like devastation and the snowstorm, there was just a magical snowman there. That would have made way more sense. Some horrific accidents that way. Yes.

The reason why the maintenance staff and why the husband are no longer with us is because there was some terrible squall of some sort. No, it's just the snow sculpture festival. That's it. Yeah, maybe they got hypothermia trying to make their snow sculptures. Maybe it's a really dangerous competition that only the best get through. So he's like, well, I've got to go back to Kathy's and finish up though. And they're like, oh, she's lucky to have you.

You got to go back to Kathy's, huh? Yeah. He's like, well, actually I'm the lucky one. God, I love people who refuse to smile. Bye guys. And he's like, can someone give me a ride to the diner? And they all are like me. They take their ladies convertible. Yeah, they show up. I imagine the cars like dancing dogs. I really wish they were playing ladies from the 80s on this car radio. That would have been just crossover. Yes. So he shows up at the cafe and Kathy's like, Oh my God, what are you doing here? He's like, Oh my God, what are you doing

here? He's like, well, I was at home, but then Jane crashed her car and then she needed a light installed. And Kathy's like, why was Jane driving? She got a DUI two months ago. Her license is suspended. And then of course, y'all, so he's putting the, he's drinking the water, putting it down his shirt. Um, I do, do you notice that this happens when he gets hot, but none of it ever really escalates? Like it all kind of stays the same? Like it's kind of hot?

We never really see him sweat until the end when he dies. Right. Well, it also doesn't make sense that the only place that the heater is working is the jail because he's in heated places the entire time. I think he's fine. He always has to leave them.

He always has to leave the heat. Cathy's cafe is hot. I have to say, I actually found it to be quite annoying. Yeah, they have a full oven in there and he was just cooking in a hot kitchen. So they had fans. They had fans on it. It was annoying. It's a little hot in here.

Can you turn the temperature down? It's a little hot. It's like, you know what? How about you just learn to deal? You're not going to melt all at once. Look, you know what? How about you just learn to deal? You're not going to melt all at once.

Look, I think your toes will go first, or Wiener will be fine. This would have been solved in a montage if we had seen him get a cold plunge. That's all he needed. And it's like, it's that. And I think, I want to say probably some script person said, yeah, we need to kind of keep remembering that he's a snowman. Don't let him forget he's a snowman.

He needs to. What about some ice packs? He could have had some ice packs. He could have pretended he got an injury, stuff like that. And why doesn't he have a pipe? Exactly. A corn cob pipe. Again, when he goes to prom, I thought, oh, great.

They're going to put him in a top hat because he's going to prom. Oh my god. That's a good idea. The gonna put him in a top hat. Cause he's going to prom. Oh my God. That's a good idea. The only time we saw that top hat, by the way, is the very beginning when it was blowing around. That's correct. And then it was smashed. Like we're smashing the frosty fairy tale.

Okay, I am gonna say this. I love that three hours in, we're still like, this is so unbelievable. It's so unbelievable. I will say though, cause we, Craig Robinson comes back up. I laughed pretty hard at this I seating contest. That was very funny to me when he comes in again, share from Zen.

I think this was a hundred percent impromptu. I don't think this was. Yeah. So they're sitting there and he's like, cause he sees them in the window and he's like, aha, the new person. So he's like, so Kathy, introduce us, can you introduce us to your new friend? So they sit down and they're sort of having this tense interaction. With Shaft music still playing. Oh, by the way.

It's true. And what I also loved, was this the moment where Kathy says, okay, follow my lead? Yes, yes. Because she goes, okay, follow my lead. Hello there, officer, I'll be right back. And then she just leaves. She leaves.

There was no lead, you didn't let him leave. No. She hung him out to dry, yeah. So the sheriff is asking Hunter, I'm sorry, the sheriff is asking Jack question and Jack, they bring him a cup of ice like he wanted and the shares like why Why do you not have any beverages?

Apparently that's a very like tip 101 of crime-solving if they're not drinking beverages, then they must be something's wrong and So he says because I eat ice and Craig Roberts is like I eat ice and then they do this contest Which is stupid and funny. It doesn't make any sense. I thought it was a little unsanitary. They were really just like putting their fingers right in that ice. They were. They kept on eating.

I was like, you guys, you know, it's a little dirty. Dirty what's happening here. I didn't appreciate that. But it was very funny. Cause they are like stuffing ice in their mouth. And you can see that Craig Robinson is about to, is like trying not to crack up. Like you can see the smile on his face a little bit.

And it was great. He tries to be rough about this and he just has such a good time with it. Yeah. And that's kind of why the whole movie, that's why kind of not that it falls flat, but just the concept of the stakes raising doesn't really make sense the whole way. Well, it also doesn't make sense. It also doesn't make sense that not now. First of all, I'm worried about the medical care in this town of Hope Springs. But secondly, no one looks particularly healthy. No, no one looks Mortimer is very shallow. Yes. Secondly, what the fuck kind of school system that they hire a man with no ID, no birth certificate, no fingerprints, security,

and now he's gotten a job at the school for maintenance. This just sounds like a pedophile movie waiting to happen. He got a job working with children. Children? Oh, Lord. It's not right. It's not right. Sheriff Hunter is on to something.

So then basically he leaves because Kathy is like, oh, we're late. We've got to go. They walk out, but he's like, he's sweating everywhere. So now the Sheriff Hunter is like, I don't know, do nice guys sweat through their shirts while questioned by the cops? Ed and Ed's like, well, if they have a gland condition, yes. So Kathy's like, you are in so much trouble. Do you remember the guy I told you about?

That's him. You don't want to be on this bad side. He's terrifying. Streaking through the plaza, taking clothes. He just wants to take the first person that whoever did that and put them in Guantanamo Bay. And he's like, what? Well, maybe I should be in Guantanamo Bay. I did steal some galoshes and broke a window. She's like, you can't handle jail. You can't handle 10 minutes in a lukewarm diner. You idiot. You have some idiot. Take me now. Take me. I would have that should have been better.

But he does say I got a job doing maintenance at the middle school. And it's like, I want to help people for a living like you do. That's not what she does for a living. She does not do that for a living. I mean. Well, they do introduce casual stakes here where he's like, wait, are you saying I would melt in the jail? So now it's not just jail, it's a death sentence.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. You'll also package cheese for Whole Foods if that makes you feel any better. Hey, so he says, he puts his snow foot down and says, I am going to school tomorrow, like it or not. This is an issue. This is an issue. But I want to-

She says, don't go to school. Don't go to school. Yeah, she's like, no. Lay low. Lay low. And so they go home and they're fighting and he goes to his basement room and then she sees that he put up all the Christmas stuff and I want to ask y'all what the fuck is this Jennifer Coolidge clip from of her being Glenda the goodwish in the north?

Single all the way. I looked it up. It's the gay one. I said Jennifer Coolidge Christmas movie. I did some searching single all the way. Yeah Okay, so that's when I realized the clip earlier was from Lindsay Lohan. I was like, oh, I see they're using... Oh, I actually watched that movie. It's with Michael Urie and Luke McFarland. And you forgot about it. Because at this point, I had now realized that Lauren Holley was not a high school friend because she said, I've known this girl since she was born.

I was like, okay, so she's not the high school friend. I still really thought, I'm not a high school friend because she said, I've known this girl since she was born. I was like, okay, so she's not the high school. I still really thought I'm not even joking. So that's when I realized this one all came together. He has fixed the leak. But this is their big fight that they're having right now because she's like, you will not get a job. You're going to stay here and watch TV. And he's like, no, I want to help.

But then she sees the Christmas decorations that he put up without her permission, I like to add. And true. He's like, look, I don't know what's happening anymore, any more than you do, Kathy. I could wake up tomorrow and be a puddle. So I just want to make the most of it with the time that I have here. It, it does feel, and I'm thinking,

existentially you're kind of understanding who you are much better than anyone else in this town can, but you also don't know- We realize it's how temporary it is, guys. Life's fleeting, okay? You don't know the rules. He doesn't know the rules either. So it's like-

He does though, he knows he's dead soon. He knows he's gonna sweat to death soon. I mean, I know that feeling, that's for sure. You ever see these real life shows? Yes soon. I mean, I know that feeling, that's for sure. You ever see these in your life, Joe? Yes. Oh my God, in our lives, I'm sweating. Oh God. Our air conditioning went out in Columbus one time

when it was 105 and they were- Columbus? Yeah, it was not good. Oh, was that the- It just smelled like stale vodka on stage. I had to throw away some of the costumes from that show. It was just not good. Yeah, that's really not good.

Oh yeah, you guys are in full makeup too. Okay, so he's like, Kathy, I don't know what's happening to me, and so they have this deep moment, and she's like, okay, I'm gonna drop you off, and you don't leave the you off and you don't leave the school and you don't tell anyone you're a snowman and you certainly don't tell anyone you've got a dick and you're ready to use it. But nobody else.

All right. We're going to do a movie called Hot Frosty where the snowman becomes the sexiest man you've ever met and we're going to put him into a middle school. Exactly. And there's no background check, no nothing. He's just there around the kids every day. He's helping the theater kids build sets, which I really like. So they nail their target audience. They do. Yeah, I think this is where we get our rocking around the Christmas tree or whatever. We get our, what's our first montage? It was a montage, no it wasn't rocking around the Christmas tree or whatever. We get our what's our first montage. It was a really nice.

Now, it wasn't rocking around the Christmas tree, but it was the is like, I didn't know what music they was. This the it wasn't this one, but it was a montage. No. Yeah. Pretty woman is when they go dressing, shop clothes shopping. Yeah. So he's helping around, helping the school, because the school, the toilets have been backed up

for so many days now. They finally have a nice person. Finally. They, apparently there was no one in town willing to take this job. So- Well, maybe that's why no one's nice to Kathy, because she lost her husband,

but apparently like 20 people just died in a horrible fire or something. And they're just like, well, we just found a new stranger. Yeah. We just found a new stranger to come along and do everything. We love him. Let's just not talk about all the dead people in town. So what? There's not a bridge anymore. So she goes to the bridge. So it led to the cancer hospital. Who needs it? That was the only way to get to the cancer hospital

where we've got Dr. Dottie and she'll help. She's like, we've got to tell everyone it's an honorary doctorate. So, oh, no. So Jack is Kathy goes to pick up Jack from the school and he's waving goodbye to everyone. He's like, bye, bye, bye. And Kathy's like, sure. You don't want to say goodbye to her cousin or her cousins, cousins. I was like, okay, listen, You're so miserable. What a bitch. Oh God, it's just so weird. I'm even here. Like, you know, what are you looking down

on kids for you make chocolate chip pancakes one day a week for them? And honestly, if they wanted her to be bitchy, write it in like make her a cold bitch make and everybody knows she's cold. But everyone is a trope right where it's like the girls a snotty daddy's girl she's gonna ruin this town's company just for her to make her dad some money and she's from the city. Yeah. And she's just gonna be a B word until she finds out what that is. She doesn't really change at all. Yeah.

I mean, what, I mean everything about this, I mean, maybe I should run from the Hills cause I mean, look, he's nice. He's good looking. He's like, wait, you think he's a snowman. She was of course everyone in town loves you. He goes, the whole town loves me? Wow. But they have even known me for that long. And he said, it takes a really long time to fall in love. So if the whole town loves me and you're in the town, does that mean you're in love with

me? She's like, okay, you know what? Relax. Relax. I was just trying to have an existential crisis here. Just having to kind of call it all back to you. So do you think it is like vampirism where somebody brings you to life and then you're tied to them forever.

Look around, there are literally so many people that he could be with. You know, there's so many fish in the sea. Oh, yeah. But you know, whoever gives you the first accessory, you're tied to them for life. That's Scar. Watch what Crap-Ins would like to thank its premium sponsors. Ain't no thing like Alice in King. It's always automatic with Ashley Otto.

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