Watch What Crappens - #267: Iyanla, Fix My Wife

Episode Date: February 17, 2016

Timestamps below! Peter takes us on a tour of his homeland on Real Housewives of Atlanta while Kenya paddles off in a boat for no reason. Top Chef got cleared the douche on the second part of Restaurant Wars, and The Real Housewives of Potomac talked about etiquette while attending a cash bar. The SHAME. PLUS!: Ramona Singer takes on RHOCheshire and Obama learns what it’s like to be a Beador. Enjoy! Timestamps: 0-17:30 Crappens Mailbag: Obama, Shannon Beador, Ramona Singer 17:30 RHOA: Mershal shoot, gay husband outing 58:00 Top Chef: Restaurant Wars Part 2 1:15:40 RHOP: Baby birthday, surprise by design ------------------- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com ---------------------- Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crappins would like to thank its premium sponsors, Marvin J. and Christy Doherty. We love you. Watch What Crappens. Watch What Crappens. Watch What Crappens. Watch What Crappens. Hello everybody and welcome to the Watch What Crappens podcast.

The podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the old brabs. I'm Ronnie Caron from Trash Talk TV. And as usual, I'm with the gorgeous, in love, comforting, wonderful hugaboo, Ben Mandelker of the B-Side blog and the Banter Blender podcast. Hello, Ben. Hi, Ronnie. Ben, you're my valentine,

okay? Oh, Ronnie, you can share Valentine's duty with my boyfriend. We're just a modern poly family now. Darling, I came first and's duty with my boyfriend. We're just a modern poly family now. Darling, I came first and I'll be here after. Even if you marry that fucker, I will be around. Even if I

die first, I'll be around. You can be the ring bearer. Oh no, I don't want to wear a suit. I'll be in the back. But don't you want to throw petals down on the aisle? No, and if you get married outdoor in Palm Springs, I'm going to murder you. Everybody, thank you so much for listening. We just recorded a cray-cray bonus episode about the Grammys, OJ, and what was the other thing, Dylan?

Oh, Teresa, watch what happens live, Real Housewives of New Jersey, and a sitcom from the 80s about women in prison. Yeah, before Orange is the New Black, there was women in prison. And we revisit it. Back in the 80s when keyboards were still allowed in prison cells. It's true. It's funny because it's true. Wendy Jo Sperber on keyboard in a jail cell. I mean, no wonder why the show is greenlit. So if you guys want to listen to that, just become a premium subscriber.

We do those things every week. Go to patreon.com slash watch what crappens. Thank you to everybody who does that. We love you guys. This week is our Google Hangout. It's our video chat hangout. We do them once a month. It's this Thursday night, which is February something-ish, at 6 p.m. Pacific.

So just come to Patreon or Facebook, whatever, to find out how to get involved with that. That's going to be a good time. It's a busy crappens week, Ben. Also, go to Facebook.com slash Watch What Crappens if you want to talk crap with us and other listeners, do live show threads and all that good stuff. Or come to WatchWhatCrappens.com. All of our links are there. Our personal links, our professional links, our nude pictures. It's all there, people.

links, our nude pictures. It's all there, people. We've got a Humongoloid show today because the Real Housewives of Atlanta and Potomac are both Beck. And we've got some Top Chef action as well. And isn't it someone's birthday too? Yes.

I'm getting ready. I'm getting ready. Getting ready. I'm getting ready to jump out of a cake Because it's somebody's birthday today Yeah, it's not just anybody's birthday It's someone very, very, very special Is it President Obama?

No Man, is it Bette Midler? No How patriotic and gay can I be at the same time? Today's birthday is trisha trisha happy mother effing birthday lady your children love you so much they got us to do this um they love you so much they just want to say that your other daughter is a cut fitness okay your birthday message is from jen who is a total cut fitness so i guess it's this daughter and hayley who's your favorite daughter oh hayley hayley would be

my favorite too i love that name hayley it's a comment that only comes around for every hundred years or so yeah and i want also tricia to know that she shares her birthday with the boyfriend of the other one because today is the weekend's birthday. So really, you're connected to Yolanda. Oh, my God. Trish, just take the vowel out of your name and you'll be closer to the weekend than ever. I'm looking to see if maybe there's another Bravo star, but no, I can't see any. Well, happy birthday, sucker.

And thanks, you guys, for being part of the Krappens family. We love ya. We do. We really do. So before we get on to our shows today, let us do some very special dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong,

dong, dong, dong. Krappens mailbag. Yeah, there we go sorry i didn't have it ready for those of you guys who missed the grammys uh this one yesterday so congratulations bean oh wait i just want to add because of course i always get absorbed on these birthday lists but uh trisha also shares a birthday with the late kim jong-il so really oh my god so at least one of your children will be as evil as you i'm assuming the cut fitness chance as she as she refers to herself as a cut fitness i love it that's an eel right there

i'm closing up this birthday list because otherwise I'm going to be sitting there pouring through it for hours. Okay, so Krappen's mailbag. We still have something left over from last week. Lauren Grabowski, as promised, here is your question. She doesn't really ask. She just demands. I'm demanding that Lauren Grabowski. I like it.

She says, please answer these questions from the Proust questionnaire in the voices of the Bravo Liberties. I ask you to. She really is. Yes, I like it. Answer in the voices. So she says, in Tom Sandoval's voice, what is your greatest fear? You want to go first? You go first.

I'm not afraid. first you go first i'm not afraid i think that uh kristin i think like someone took away the razors and i can't shave my forehead right now kristin my greatest fear kristin is dying with pornhub open on my ipad with like eminem rappers under my mattress which is probably how i'll die let's face it. Kristen! Kristen, my greatest fear is that Ariana won't learn her lesson and will continue dripping pain on the new carpet. My greatest fear is burning alive

like Kristen's vagina after she cheated on me the third time. Kristen! Then, what is the trait you deplore in yourself in Liza's voice from Secret and Wives? Liza from Secret and Wives? Okay.

I hate about myself that I just am a hateful human being. I hate my negativity. Okay? Paralyzed. You know what I say to myself? I wish I had stronger legs. That way I wouldn't be so paralyzed all the time. I wish.

I hate that I have such a good sense of humor. That way I wouldn't go around loitering everyone all the time. I can't help it. You got loitered. I hate that I'm so negative that it's paralyzed me. And I hate even more wheelchairs because I can't even move my arms to get the wheels to move.

Paralyzed. I wish my asshole were a little bit larger so when Jonathan sticks his thumb up it, it would feel nice. would feel nice i hate that i've hated myself for so long that i've literally become a bouncy house that jonathan fingers other people's wives and that's what i hate paralyzed paralyzed um okay which words or phrases do you most overuse in bethany voice i mean i mean i i mean i don't know i mean like i don't i don, I mean, what's a phrase? I mean, what's a word? I mean, I really don't use any other phrase. I don't use any phrases.

You know, I just say things. I just say what comes to my head. I don't use any phrases. I mean, like, literally, if I have to think of a phrase I use all the time, I will literally be on the floor crying, okay? My wall is up. When it comes to phrases, my wall is up. I don't have any phrases.

My wall is up, okay? My wall is up. Just shoot me in the head right now because my wall is up right now, okay? Like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like like get out of here like like get out of here like get out of here like you know what i hate like you know what i hate like like like like like like the end thank you scene um and one last one let's see how about um I'm trying to figure out which one would be a fun one

oh and also really really like really really like really who is your favorite hero of fiction in the Sheena Shea voice my favorite hero of fiction my favorite hero my favorite hero in fiction is God.

Because he's, like, so hot. Like, he's older, but, like, I wasn't cheating. Because, like, it's God. And he was the first person who was like, listen, you're not a whore. You're a child of God and a whore. And I still love you, whore. Fishbowl God! My favorite

hero of fiction is Ethan Fromme because I love Ethan Allen furniture and I love Fromme things. I hate the girl from the Hunger Games so much. It's like if you're hungry you're not doing it right.

Like, you know not doing it right. Like, you know what I hate the most is everyone in Twilight. Like, how about a book about the daytime? I love day drinking. I hate Twilight drinking. I love Helen Kelly because she's, like, like, she was blind,

but she was still a damn good waitress. You know who I hate? Bill Radley. Like, who kills mockingbirds? That's so generous to Sheena that she hasn't even read any of those books. I can't even believe I opened with Ethan Frome. I was like, what am I thinking? The only fiction book I can't read is Harry Potter

because scars are gross. Gross. Okay. So now next person. Okay. So Michael Horn asks, if you could switch a housewife to another city, who would it be?

How would they interact with that cast? For example, I would love to see Shannon on Atlanta And Ramona or Sheree on Cheshire Ramona or Sheree on Cheshire? That would be amazing, okay? Okay Because they'd be like Today we went to the animal sanctuary

Ramona, do you want to come to the sanctuary? What are you saying? I can't understand you. Okay. You know what? Whoa, this is really weird. It's like I'm hearing these strange voices. Okay.

And it reminds me of like when I was a child and my father invited Geraldine Parsons Smith over. And they were speaking in pig Latin. And I was saying, what are you saying? I can't understand what you were saying. And they kept on saying, abda upshay, abda upshay. And I was like, I don't get it. I don't get it. And they slammed me into a locker.

Thank you for having me to your tea party in your giant house, okay? Here's my question for you guys. How come you have 20 couches in the living room, okay? Like, this is how we do things in America, okay? We have one couch, maybe an easy chair. The end. Like, what's with 20 couches? Why are they all brownches why are they all

brown why are they all in the middle of the living room okay like i don't even know how to deal with this why is there so much purple and silver crushed velvet okay it's just i'm sorry it's day class i'm sorry it's not nice doesn't remind me of sunshine i'm sorry okay your daughter's name is dobby like who would name that kid after something you use in a bingo hall? Okay? Okay. Let's do one last one. Okay. Kathy says, okay. So, Tamara is holding a contillion training academy to teach the housewives who need it how a housewife behaves.

A short bus has come to pick up Tootie, Eileen, Cynthiazie megan charisse and jacqueline lorita who else needs contillion academy what would be the five courses taught and what past or present housewives would teach each course oh my goodness and then she says her friend seth and her love us and are curious about our thoughts. Hi, Seth. So, okay. What? Who needs to go to Conjuring Academy, basically? I'm like a Snickers bag in a Weight Watchers class,

okay? You need to get the bite-sized version. These questions are getting so multi-tiered. People, keep it simple. Everyone's like, question 1A, furthermore, 1B, and such, 2, 3, C, 5. Asterisk. Double asterisk. And please repeat the question in these three voices.

Okay, so if someone had to go to Cantillion, so far I think it would need, and I think this is just because I just watched the show. Maybe it would need to be Ashley from The Real Housewives of Benhomac because she's done so many things that she could, you know, really tell somebody off, but she doesn't really do it because she's like, I'm sorry. If that really offended you, I'm sorry. And she needs to be taught by Nini. Yeah. I would like to see just nonsense coming out of her mouth that makes no sense. I'd like her to be like, well, you know, I'm your damn baby, okay?

Like, you have to pay for your dreams, but, like, bloop on you, you know? Because here's what I say, like, bloop queen, okay? Like, you're not a bitch. Now, Jane, you be a bitch, okay? She could also learn from Vicky. You know, I'm really sorry, but, like, you know, I've not had sex with multiple partners, so, like, I'm sorry. If it offended you that I've not had sex with multiple partners,

then, like, I'm really sorry about that, but bloop bitch. And I never say with multiple partners, okay? and like I'm really sorry about that but blue bitch she could learn from Teresa too except I feel like Ashley wouldn't be able to flip the tables like hey could someone come over here and help me flip this table please because there's the table where I actually first fell in love with my husband yeah it's really great I looked at I googled this table actually cuz you know I Google all the furniture and it turns out that like this is a really popular table so no wonder I fell I really connected with it so can someone

help me flip it please thanks I lost the eel wrench and I'm not sure I can put it back together again and I really respect restaurants so I'm not gonna mess up this table right now okay but you better bloop to the side, okay, queen? How are you going to have a table for being right, queen, right? Fix your face. Fix your table. Bye, wig. Who else needs? I would say, normally

I would say Eileen but she's letting it out a little bit more probably Lisa Rinna because I think Lisa Rinna has such a C word inside of her that I would love to see come out a bit more and you're starting to see it a bit more as the season progresses and we

get to see her blogs and stuff like she's her and Yolanda are going at it, as we read in last week's Twitter Peace Theater over here on the Watch What Crappens. But I would love to see her just... I want her to be choking a turkey neck every fucking week. I want her to be throwing glasses

hurling towards people's faces every week. Absolutely. I'm thoroughly entertained with Lisaisa in it i think she's doing a good job i don't think she needs to go to contillion i think that um i'm trying to think of who really needs to go to contillion you know i you know especially because they already mentioned that 2d i mean 2d is already doing a pretty good job with her own contillion and you

know yes cynthia cynthia lizzie megan megan wait megan king admins doesn't need to go to contillion she's yeah she's there she's already like the social share right she sent out the invitations i've got tenure okay she's mini she's mini tamra don't forget tamra even said she's mini me that is like being said i am leaving the organization i am leaving it in your hands megan king admins yes that is like being blessed by the you know how about kathy wakile kathy wakile could go to contillion oh kathy wakile oh my god that i don't ever want to see that woman being nice or mean or anything on my tv get the fuck out of here kathy with your fucking terribly claire kit or no not a claire what are those things those top those italian taco desserts what are those things, those Italian taco desserts? What are they called? Like rolled taco? What are they?

Oh, cannoli. Get out of here with your cannoli kit. I ain't got a deep fried cannoli in your fucking... We have a Michael's, okay? I can buy a cylinder there. Please leave. Alright, well, that's it for the Krappen's Mailbag this week, so thank you everyone. Mailbag, mail

bag. Remember, if you want to submit to the Krappens Mailbag and have your question read on the air, you just go over to Patreon. You can support us at the mailbag level. It's over there. And leave your question in the comments section of the latest mailbag post.

Don't send us a message because we may not see it y'all okay so let us move on what show do you want to start with benjaminius um i don't know there's there's i can't decide between potomac and atlanta they're both were thoroughly entertaining what do you want to start with ronnie i'd say atlanters all right because my name's already pulled up and i won't have to be like you know swiping around and figuring out where i put my notes yeah um so here we are real housewives of atlanta still in jamaica man jamaica what are you doing right now i was i thought you had more to say no i'm i'm are you playing Tetris or some shit over there?

No. You learned that from Straight Ben over at the improv? Oh, yeah, when he was playing Tinder Tetris? No, I thought you were going to say more. No, I was just saying we're still in Jamaica. Jamaica, man. Jamaica. After Celebration, can they keep it down?

So I don't know if i skipped up i'm trying to look because this stuff looks like it's later on in the show so i'm not sure oh okay i was scrolled down you guys i'm really stupid it's like our monday okay so okay we open uh on the bus uh right they're going to the bus. Right. They're going to the bus because this is right after Cynthia's had her argument with Kenya, where Kenya's like, you're not a real friend to me, Cynthia.

You know, all that stuff. You can totally tell I was eating pizza during this because I cannot tell what I'm talking about. I said the bus, mall on bus, mail on bus.

What does that mean? I don't know. But basically, they were all going, they went on the bus because they were all going to go to Peter's family to meet Peter's family in Kingston. I'm going to take you on tour on where I come from. Everybody's going to see where this little seedling grew into a tree. Yeah, what portal of hell are they being taken to? No kidding. It's like how many different brands of cardboard boxes they being taken to? No kidding.

It's like, how many different brands of cardboard boxes do we need to see, Peter? It's like a neighborhood of cardboard boxes, okay? Like, there's a Charmin. Over there is like a big old Nabisco crate. Like, what the hell, Peter? This is not a tour, okay? Go to a recycling plant. Well, I'm not saying that the shantytowns are like a portal of hell.

Recycling plant. Well, I'm not saying that the shantytowns are like a portal of hell. I'm just saying, like, I don't want to see the origins of Peter because it cannot be good. Well, it's a shaman bot. It's a shantytown. As it happens, it was a shantytown. Listen, great things have come from shantytowns. Just not Peter.

Just not Peter. Peter was not one of them is you know it's like from rags to riches is more like from rags to like cleaner rags from rags to paper towels it's like going from viva to bounty uh so okay yeah now i'm caught up in my notes i know what the hell i'm doing now okay so cynthia comes onto the bus late because cynthia god bless her heart cynthia is one of those kids in school that you just know doesn't have a lot of hope i mean even though she is a supermodel and everything else it's over now let's let's get over it okay you won cynthia but she's one of those kids in school that you know probably doesn't have much hope but god bless her she keeps trying she keeps trying so fucking hard cynthia she's like i'll show up to the bus late and then i'll start crying about stuff and stand up on the bus and give a monologue about it

she's stupid and i love that phedra was just looking at her with that awkward like yeah she just saw someone else's baby shit all over their face and she's like but i'm trying to be supportive but not really phedra was sitting there with her tongue out in a straw right up she was a little soda can with a straw poked right into her tongue which was gaping out of her mouth and she's just standing like like that i almost took a picture of it and cynthia is like no i'm just sad because know, it's like I love all of you. We all have different friendships. I'm not saying she's not a friend. You know, she's not my best friend.

But, like, my friendship with you is different than my friendship with you. She starts crying, whatever. She's frustrated. But she's so stupid. She goes, so we were doing fine. And then some very super awesome special person told Kenya that i said she wasn't my best friend and sheree's like well am i the super am i the super super awesome person am i the super special this is the super awesome person electric tongue twister that's why she can't even speak because she's like her own

tongue twister to do her own voice she was uh she's like i didn't say i'll say what you say and cynthia's like i did not say that kenya is not my best friend if you're gonna repeat it repeat it right okay cut to kenya saying exactly that what are you doing cynthia this is all on camera that's literally what you said you dumb dumb but she's like gonna sit there and cry i do have to give her credit though those were real tears at first they weren't but then we cut back to the scene and she was actually crying i was so proud of her that's very difficult to do yeah um and meanwhile kenya and matt were in a bubble bath and talking about like you know i don't remember what they were talking about just general shadiness kenya's in the hot tub with her big gay ape of a boyfriend like hey um my feelings were really

hurt because cynthia said something mean to me and then and he's like what does nini have to do with this she's like well because i'm like girl please like you don't have every episode on your dvr at home i ain't buying that yeah um he's very cute but also we got a little rage from him in this episode yeah he's a little he's a little he's a little bonkers he's a goliath of a man he's just gigantic and then he does that thing a lot of really gigantic overworked out people do where they give you that look like they they make their eye one eyebrow go up and the other eyebrow like john black acting from days of our lives days of our lives brows basically where he's like trying to look like he's thinking really deeply but you know all that's going on there it's like what

what coconut music so many bubbles all around are we in the clouds or this bubble bath whoa am I on TV where are the scammers

looking at me well I'm in a bathtub whoa so we we arrive in Peter's neighborhood he doesn't understand the present tense wait what are you going to say?

I said he doesn't understand the present tense. Wait, are we back in Atlanta? I've got a tub in Atlanta. Are we back in Atlanta? Wait, there are more tubs? It's warm in here. I like the warmth. Am I in a laundry machine?

Wait a second. This pool. This is a really, really small swimming pool. We have a lifeguard on duty. Muhammad Ali looks really good in that wig. Hey, I fell in the toilet. I'm totally submerged in the toilet. And there's soap in here.

Matt, this is a bathtub. This isn't a toilet. Oh, well, you might want to get out then. Oh, Kenya. bathtub this isn't a toilet oh well you might want to get out then oh kenya god bless her heart so we finally get to peter's neighborhood and he's talking about being being poor and stuff i don't know what he said yard to riches what did he say yeah i think he said yard to riches i don't know what that means um lots of goats oh phaedra's like oh look at the goats i'm hungry for those goats i'm gonna eat those goats okay so i don't know what phaedra found in jamaica to snort phaedra is doing this thing where she's sticking her tongue all the way out of her mouth that shit is long yeah and she's doing this laugh where she's going it's like this gurgly

i'm sorry i'm just making myself no she was making all sorts of noises she was like one with a goat she was one with a goat because she was turning into a goat yeah she's like look at those goats. By the way, they went and they got a full on spread of like fish and grilled lobster. And it looked so good. I was I was turning into Phaedra. I was like i wanted it so badly all that food i just put peter's family lives in a coke machine

i know that's so terrible what do you expect um so let me see family's important to me that's why i've started five of my own. Exactly. Family. Peter's brew. I love family. That's why I've got 20 of them scattered across America. He's like, I have to admit, this fish shack is a lot fancier than bar one. I got my work cut out for me.

Well, that fish shack was a shack. And it reminded, I mean, not reminded me, but it really illustrated Peter's design sensibilities. Aesthetic, yes. Yeah, because it's literally just, you know, cardboard taped to some wood. And I was like, oh, it's like his coffee shop and his brewery. And his, you know, future car wash or whatever the hell is going to come out of it. Entire manufacturing operation behind Peter's brew. What do you tape on stickers over the Starbucks cups?

We're the old Maxwell House cans. This is my Aunt Celeste. She sits in the back and cuts out Uncle Ben's face and then pastes it on top of rice. Not rice. What does he sell? Coffee. In my coffee shop, what we do is we paste a V onto all the chaser's choice things so

it looks like Peter's chaser's voice. That's what you call business. We find out that Peter's nickname growing up was Elvis. What the hell i mean elvis was accused of stealing a lot of music and then bringing it to america and making it popular peter's stolen a lot of other brands but he hasn't quite reached the elvis level of sales i don't think yet i don't know what he's thinking i'm just imagining that he puts bananas in all of his sandwiches because why else would they say that? Maybe it was just they thought the song Jailhouse Rock was predictive for Peter's future. They're like, listen, Peter, when you go to jail, it's very important that you still remember how to rock.

Like, okay, thank you, Anselette. By the way, I don't even know if her aunt's name was Celeste. Maybe because we're hoping that Peter would leave the building. Elvis has left the building. Elvis has left the Charmin box. Peter's brew has left the distribution plant. A.K.A. Starbucks. Echo.

I just bought some Senka. So, Tootie is getting ready for the mershal wait what am i saying here um oh i just i just like phedra sometimes i just write down everything phedra says because i really don't have that much to say about her i just laugh whenever she talks but i like that she's like uh tootie was like okay everybody cover your asses okay i don't want you coming with your booties hanging all out. And Phaedra's like, I thought my ass, I was going to contribute my ass to this shoot. Just cracking up at herself over nothing.

Every time Phaedra speaks, I'm just going to do that laugh. Sorry, everybody in your car who's almost crashing into trees. know it's got to be obnoxious as hell i know i like it uh so they go back to the hotel and you gotta love this cast because all they do is eat the show yeah they cook breakfast to lunch to dinner to snack time that's every scene in this show this is and this is my my favorite part was that they get out to the spread and Portia's like, ooh, they put out some fish for us. They're like, no, those are plantains. Poor girl. You guys like those fish, huh?

Oh, Portia. You know, these fish grow on trees. So they go to, the guys are having a drink and peter you know they're really not doing us any favors here peter has already been acting like a housewife ever since he's been on this show and now this trip is all about peter and his journey so peter is like the head housewife in this scene and new hot gigantor boyfriend gay boyfriend comes over to try and talk and peter starts grilling him over nothing i don't even understand what they were talking about but honestly it was not a heavy or intense grilling he was just asking questions he's like he's like tell us about it

whatever and i guess he asked about matt's age right yeah and matt was like well you know my age and he's like no he's like no that's why i. And he's like, no. He's like, no, that's why I'm asking. He's like, 28. They're like, oh, okay. But Matt got super defensive. I think he thought they were coming for him.

And then, because then Greg... Because no one can understand what the hell Peter's saying. He's like, 28? Oh, really? 28, huh? Oh, so what you do?

And he's like, oh, I'm a personal trainer. Oh, personal trainer, 28. Huh? What? Yeah. Yeah, we're going to... Yeah, that's what happens because you're new and that's what we're gonna say to you so that's what you do because you're 28 and he wasn't even saying anything i don't even know what the fuck the guy was talking about and i was trying to transcribe it yeah matt was well matt matt started going it was getting real chippy he was he was being standoffish and then he just was he was

he had a lot of attitude because i think he i think his guard was up he thought they were going to come for him so then then peter's like i'm just trying to get to know you just so i ask questions and then that's like wait you better well okay old man and it just was like this really random roidy kind of spat yeah that was really weird peter's like drunk and high the other ones just had to stare at kenya's face all day god bless his heart they're both totally confused like they're just shell-shocked and then you've got greg who sleeps all the all you'd see greg is sleeping that's all he's up to he's like cut to greg sleeping mouth wide open but greg's like, 28? 28? You have children?

You don't have any children. What sort of man doesn't have children by 28? I was like, way to really work against the stereotype there, Greg. Peter already had nine children by the time he was 28. What are you doing? I like that he gets like Mama Joyce-y when he's just incredulous. Oh, Greg. So then what's his buttons?

Matt's like, you want to talk? Let's go outside and talk then. I'll talk outside. I'll wait for you outside. And Peter's like, what are you doing outside? What's outside? There's no bar outside. Whatever.

Where's he going? What's wrong with that guy? That's so funny. Small hips. And then they start talking about him i love that the men get so defensive about age just like the women do at the end of the day the men are bitches too and we all all of us men know it but he leaves and then they're like what's wrong with him well he's kind of small yeah he's so small he's got like big shoulders and tiny hips like big shoulder tiny hips like yeah you

sure showed him peter what the hell yeah what a terrible quality to have a perfect v-shaped figure and then he says small hips small brains oh god peter go away well it's better than it's better than having big big hips pop pot belly and also small brains you have the small brains at least look super hot while you have the small brains. Peter? At least the tape isn't coming off of his stolen Starbucks cap, Peter. So next is Nini and Kenya because Nini is, like, nice. Who knows why? I don't even know why she's doing it.

But she has to film with people or she can't be on the show anymore, I'm guessing, because last year she wouldn't film with anybody. this year she's like oh don't worry i'll go up and i'll be the one to talk to kenya oh okay so she goes up and she talks to kenya and uh kenya's like i was waiting for a tuna sandwich and that fake little girl laugh she does and then he's he's like, well, I'll tell you this. I'm not a tuna sandwich. She's like, ha ha. You're not a tuna sandwich.

And he's like, no, that's right. I'm not a tuna sandwich. What? You want a tuna sandwich? What is going on? What are these people smoking today? Give it to me. Yeah.

A whole tuna sandwich scene. So they end up going downstairs where all the ladies are gossiping and kenya starts her whole i'm so hurt by cynthia and then cynthia insists that she never said anything and they like hug or whatever yeah they say that it comes from a place of love all that stuff so then it starts getting good and the minute that they've made up and they finish that fake storyline they move on to the one that every been everyone's been alluding to for weeks now which is like oh kim isn't here great this is a perfect time for me to just go right in on her or yes so yeah kenya is so immature that she can't get 2d so she's gonna

go for 2d's husband because, you know, that's how Kenya rolls. She's a horrible human being. So she starts going off about how he's gay and people call him Chrissy. She's like, you know, like Kim and Chrissy or, what was she saying? Like Laverne and Shirley?

Or she was coming up with all of these different things. He's a Broadway actor, okay? Oh yeah, Tootie Fru things. He's a Broadway actor, okay? Oh, yeah, Tootie Fruity. He's Broadway. What does that tell you? Well, you know, this thing sort of like, well, what was funny is that everyone took it at face value.

You know, Kenya's like, she's like, I heard that he's known as Chrissy, not Chris. I'm like, you probably just made that up yourself, and you're passing it off as if it's fact. But then everyone's like, well, he is sassy. He is awfully funny, and he does dance. It actually kind of rubbed me the wrong way, because aside from the fact that it was so rude

to be basically calling this guy gay on TV when he can't defend himself they're basically sullying his reputation as a straight married man when he's a family etc and not to say that being gay is an insult but you know it's basically what they're trying to do here that was off putting enough but what sort of

there is like definitely some homophobic aspects of it too like well he is awfully funny he does he is rather sad he does dance you know it's one of those things like gosh like is this what makes someone gay if you do any of these things i mean well i mean have you been to a gay bar i mean i think i've brought into the woods in twice today and like five other musical i do but i don't know i think yeah i think it's almost i get what you're saying but

to me they it was more than a phobia it was almost like they liked him better for being gay they're like well he is funny and he is talented and i was like this is like the best stereotype ever okay like these are all the best qualities it just reminded me of whenever it was when nini leaks was talking about someone being like he's not being gay he's like he's not being he's being queen or something like that like she is the worst she said that about i think it was apollo i forget who it was some guy that you know it's one of these things where i don't know There's something kind of, I don't know, something off-putting there that rubbed me the wrong way during this scene, for sure.

Yeah. I think I was just laughing so hard because, A, Kenya is just the lowest of the low. I mean, this woman is just awful. Out of all the housewives ever, she's got to be the most horrible because she really just will make up things. And not really that she's making this up. He does seem kind of gay, like everybody's noticed.

But he's very effeminate. But she's just a horrible human being. Oh, and he gets, you know, sassy with other girls. Yeah, he's totally Queenie. Like, girl. Like, he snarks off those. Like, you expect him to snap after. Queenie was like, oh, you go, girl. Or, he snarks off those, like, you expect him to snap after. Like, when Nene was like, oh, you go, girl.

Or whatever she said last week. Because he does get, like, snappy queen or whatever with him. But their sayings about it were so funny. Phaedra, he's got some fire in his fireplace. What does that mean? He'll keep you warm in the winter. It's like all these wonderful things he's like really dependable sighting i like that that's what it also reminded me of like turned into

it reminded me of like the 40s or something when people spoke in coded language being like well he's awfully funny he makes me laugh it's like he's a flaming queen and nini said he told me he was a Broadway actor. And Kenya's like, what, did he play Roxy? Which I think is funny that she's referencing Chicago, which has every celebrity guest in the world play in Chicago. But guess who hasn't and never will? Kenya Moore. And another thing, when they were saying, where did you even hear this?

She's like, I've been in this industry for 20 years okay i've worked with her on living single i'm like kenya you showed up as an extra to eat fritos off the craft services bar who the fuck do you think you're kidding we all have the internet stupid what's the industry youtube comments shut up kenya more we all saw your terrible sitcom shampoo commercial you haven't even made shampoo yeah was was Chris even in the picture during living single I don't even know I'll ago no I don't even know Kenya's full of shit look up her IMDB she's just a full of lie and I'm not saying she was never doing a guest spot on living single but to pretend that she's like oh we work together on living single we've done all this together, and we're both the same director,

and they're running for the same projects. Kenya, shut up, okay? You can't even keep your damn story straight. Be quiet over there. But thank you all the way, because you're finally making Kim lose it, and she needs to, to stay on this show. Mm-hmm. So I can't...

Oh, and Nini. Well, I can't tell you if he can host Fashion Queens or not. I can't tell you if he can host Fashion Queens or not. Nice plug for the Bravo universe. And Portia. I never got any gay vibe from Chris. And then they just stay on her until she starts laughing.

And then finally, Sheree, the best comment of all of them. She goes, that isn't right. He's not here to defend himself and you know what if chris wants to go around on the weekend and go on the down low with all these boys and have sex with multiple boys and then come home and be a family man on monday then that's up to him that cracked me up i love i love on the one hand she's both saying on one hand she's saying it's not right to impugn his reputation.

It's ridiculous. And on the other hand, she is then taking it a step further and smearing him even more. Oh, DL Chrissy. Listen, I think it's terrible to think about Chris potentially doing things like, you know, going around spreading AIDS amongst all the gay people. If he wants to do that, if he wants to be gay and have sex with little boys, that's his business. I'm not saying that he does that. But if he wants to, you know, just have sex with wild orgies up in New York,

that's fine. That's his business. First they're saying Chris is gay. Next, they're saying Chris is having sex with goats. And it's not up to me. That's up to them. It's like it all leads to bestiality in the end. They're going to be having sex with babies and goats. The next day is the commercial shoot that Cynthia Bailey, I wear.

She's got three whole pairs of glasses on one little plastic plate. Yeah. Commercial. Commercial. Blah, blah, blah. I'm kind of fast forwarding through this in my mind because it's like Kim talking to a babysitter. Yeah, it was like they were shooting

and they shot Cynthia from super far away and then, oh no, it might ring and it didn't. And then the rest of the gang shows up at like 2 and Kenya is already making fun of the call sheets. Oh, Kenya, get out of already making fun of the call sheets and which she wasn't exactly here. What was your call sheet? Did you even have one? You never even paid the actors in your damn project.

What are you talking about? She's like, this call sheet is so unprofessional. Look, it doesn't even have the entire production staff's name. Look, it doesn't even have what's being served on the craft services table. Look,

it doesn't even have what the temperature is outside. I'm like, have you ever seen a call sheet? because a call sheet does not have all that it has a time and who needs to be there can you stupid your youtube call sheet that you made from an excel spreadsheet shut up no one's buying it lady just like your shampoo so then we get to see some of the production of this commercial and i guess from i guess what it's what the concept is that that once cynthia puts on the shades then all of a sudden everyone wants to come take a selfie with her which sounds like a nightmare no kidding phaedra suddenly charging towards you with her

camera faced at you run girl run and of course you know phaedra and and what's her face totally have their ass hanging out against Tootie's wishes. Well, she hid them well, though. She made Portia sit in a canoe. Yeah, it was Portia's. And she couldn't even do that right. She fell out at one point. On a land, a canoe on land, an inflatable canoe.

Portia's out there looking for, like, banana fish. She's trying to fish for some, but fishing for bananas. She's like, can this canoe go on the underground railroad? Bananas don't eat worms. So they, I cannot wait to see this commercial because Tootie has Cynthia on this weird

bridge thing behind or in front of kind of this shack looking uh boathouse or something and she's like okay cynthia do your thing and cynthia's just looking really awkward kind of pacing around looking back and forth like a really dumb person waiting for an elevator to come like what are you gonna do with this footage exactly i can't wait to see this this shitty shitty commercial listen i trust that 2d can direct a multi-cam half hour i don't know if she can do a i don't know if she can do a mercial i guess we'll see yes we will uh so they get um in the bus and start getting by By the way, we have to mention that Kenya and Matt then went off into the water. They went off in a paddle boat.

Didn't someone say something about a paddle boat? Yes. She was in the paddle boat with him. She showed up and looked at them and just walked away from them and like went to the ocean with this boat. This is why I hate it. Cynthia then turned it into this whole thing like that she's not being a friend i need her support and she's off in a paddle boat it's like oh please you don't or you're shooting a fake commercial and she's out there the support is

that she came on the trip in the first place okay what do you what do you need her to be there for and you know they just made her come to you they were like okay you are not going to do any more fake love scenes with this personal trainer who can barely speak a sentence okay lady like you're gonna have to show up for one day she's like fine i'll show up and i'll go out onto the ocean in a paddle boat and she's like being a friend is not being a paddle boat whatever she's the definition of not the definition of a friend isn't being in a paddle boat it's like webster webster's dictionary what now that little book on dictionary.

Yeah, so Kenya's an asshole. Okay, so they get back on the bus. And is this before or after? I start. Oh, the ladies on their way there were giving Matt shit, too. And I loved it. They were giving him all this shit about how him and Kenya spent his date or how he and Kenya spent their date. And she's like, it was a wet suite.

And Paige was like, wet. There were eggplant there. She was sticking her tongue out and making basically nonsense statements over and over and laughing her face off. While Matt looked like he didn't know whether to run, punch somebody. He didn't know what to do. And I love it.

I love a confusing dumb or a confused dumb man. And that's what he is. A giant one. Okay. So that was before. Sorry. I went a little out of order. Kenya and man talk.

Who cares? Oh. And he was saying the ancient brothers are a bit annoying. Like they were coming after him. He's dumb. I don't care. Yeah. But then he goes,

he plays pool with him. And he's like, peace offering he gives peter a red stripe which is a good peace offering for him because that way peter didn't have to buy a beer yeah he's got it's basically a bathroom add-on for his family so um he's being nice and then kenya goes you see that's how to make up you see bitches that's how to do it i'm like when have you ever yeah a beer for anybody in your entire life you won't even do that at parties you supposedly cater and throw there is nothing to drink someone drank out of a shampoo bottle because that's how much you furnish for your own friend get out of here kenya yeah tart what what happened to that girl by the way anyway did she where'd she go which girl you know that girl who drank the way, anyway? Where'd she go? Which girl?

You know that girl who drank the shampoo? Oh, Shamia? Shamia. I don't know. This whole season has been one long audition for people, and I think they were like, okay, Tammy, Shamia. Who was the other one? I think there was another one, right?

I think there was another one. I don't remember. They were like, bye, we'll just bring Nini back for a few episodes. We'll bring Nini back. Let Candy be pregnant over back on the mainland. Meanwhile, Tammy's still waiting outside the gate. Put me in! Please!

In her robe. Trying to stand on her nephew's shoulder. He's like, don't disrespect me, aunt. 28 buys Peter a beer. Okay, saw that. Kenya, this is how problems are solved. You're dumb. Cynthia raps speech to Kim, and then Kenya is sitting there.

Cynthia's like, I would not have been able to do this brilliant piece of sunglasses artwork without the woman who studied mobile stations for a month just to land this job, and that is Tootie. Thank you, Tootie, for everything. And Kenya's right under her glowering yeah and she goes i don't know how this commercial is gonna be but i guess we can guess because i mean hello tootie why are you fame shaming her tootie is not something to be ashamed of that was a hit sitcom you fucking moron that's not a criticism yeah we saw we saw your shampoo commercial we know what

you would have done so just sit down and relax just enjoy that you didn't have to work on your vacation facts of life would have just had a lot more ads for shit that weren't even real products you know i actually watched an episode of facts of life recently um and i actually posted on my instagram b-side blog that's my handle um and it was really crazy because I came in at the last like 10 minutes. I had no idea what was going on. And Blair Warner was all concerned because her grandfather had donated all this money to a library. And as the conversation goes on, we learn that her grandfather was in the Ku Klux Klan. I was like, what?

Blair Warner's grandpa was in the Ku Klux Klan? And she's like what? Warner's grandpa was in the Ku Klux Klan? And she's like, Mrs. Garrett, I don't want to name the library after my grandfather. And Mrs. Garrett's like, well, remember all the good things, all the good times you had with him. I'm like, what is this?

It comes crazy. And Mrs. Garrett's trying to be like, just because he did something truly evil doesn't mean he can't be your grandfather. You should love the things that he has done for you. It's like, what is going on with this show? Well, are black people allowed to come into the library, Blair? Then he solved his problems. Okay, let's all eat our oatmeal and hug and do our studies, girls.

I know. Well, it's okay, because oatmeal and hug and do our studies, girls. I know. Well, it was okay because they eventually named the library after Blair. Not Blair. After Blair. Not Blair. It was going to be the grandfather's name, and instead they went with, I think, the Warner Library. I don't remember what it was. Blair was so obnoxious.

That snotty uptown bitch. She has all the money in the world, and all she does is bitch and moan and complain about everything because everyone's so mean to her who does she sound like kenya kenya is the blair warner resenting tootie because of her roller skates and her beautiful smile well actually it's it's kind of funny because the next episode, Natalie was trying out to be the lead in South Pacific. And she was so excited to try out. It's all she wanted to do. And she was so excited.

And 2D was like, I'm just coming to support her. I don't actually want to be in it. And then she wound up auditioning also and getting the lead. And they got into a big fight. I was like, ooh, this actually is quite close to reality. Oh, my God. Neither one of them ever washed any men out of their hair, okay? I'm not buying it.

So this episode ends with the ladies. It's a very inside baseball. Well, hey, look, we just talked about stereotypical gay things. So you say South Pacific. I'm going to bring up a song from South Pacific, okay? I am a fagito burrito everybody gather around and take a bite you gotta love the venn diagram that brings in facts of life real housewives in south pacific um so this one ends all the ladies are gathered around 2d like you did such a great job oh Oh, we love your husband. He had to go back to rehearse for something.

And they're like, he is so funny. Wow, love his sass. And Phaedra's like, I love when a fire's in a fireplace. And Tootie's like, yes, he is very dependable like that. And then Sheree's like, now, excuse me. She raises her hand. Sheree's like, oh, I guess I probably should start auditioning for my role to get it back. It's funny because, you know, last night we were talking about your husband.

And, you know, it wasn't as complicated. People were just sort of talking about how we might be fruity or gay. The dude is like, she pulls that face like that, you know, Sebastian asked for more salt face. Pedro's like, what's up? Sebastian asked for more salt face. Fade was like, ah! What's up? She gave that president's face, oh, damn it, I don't have carpool today face. Oh, I hate a holiday. So next week is Tootie fighting for her gay man. Which, you know, look, if anyone has any doubts, we all do.

There are so many different levels of femininity in the world, okay? Not every effeminate man is a gay. Most of them are. But look, if you guys have any doubts about this man's heterosexuality, take a look at that park scene when he was wearing mom jeans. Gay people do not do that. Sexually active gay people do not wear those. Yeah.

Mystery solved. Thank you. Thank you, Donkers. I think the case is stronger, the case that you made for Matt. do not do sexually active gay people do not wear those yeah mystery soft thank you thank you donkers i think the case is stronger the case that you made for matt yeah matt i think just wants to be on tv because who can be around kenya that long who exactly and he's to practice like his eyebrows and also he's gigantic so something something's not that straight guys aren't gigantic but i don't know i don't know guys maybe it's because i i don't want to have that being said i don't know the most adorable couple would be matt and chris they would be so adorable as a little couple um matt and chris oh my god chris would be opened like a holland tunnel oh my goodness that man would be like a kentucky cave mine you know opened by emergency services that guy would just be wide

open and in pain all the time but still smiling in his dockers they would actually be an adorably adorably cute couple because i think that matt if matt came out the closet if you were gay i think he would like be this like big cuddly big old you know like he'd be like michael sam you know big till he gets mad that man has rage this matt guy has he does okay we've already seen it that's why you can't date a guy that huge first of all they poop a lot i mean they're just so big a toilet cannot handle a man that big second of all when, when they get mad, forget it. Everything's off the table. I'd be running down the street because you know I'm going to piss somebody off every single day.

I'd be terrified for my life. So what you're saying is they would have a cute and sexy relationship. Oh, yeah. He'd be like, get over here. Pushes everything off the table. Throws Chris down. Yes. Chris would have run right up to that pool table and jumped right on top of it and started whipping everybody with his pool stick to save his man.

All right, so I've now gone from chastising the women of Real Housewives of Atlanta for trying to out Chris to now actually actively creating a sexual fantasy with Chris and Matt. out chris to now actually actively creating a sexual fantasy with chris and matt yeah i can't get mad at about i can't get mad about gay stereotypes because i am a walking gay stereotype so you know i just have to say okay that's true just you know like let me get married and don't fire me because of it you know people speculate about things i just i just thought for some reason the way that they were speculating that i don don't know, rubbed me the wrong way. Well, because they're making it like it's this big criticism. But I think that the criticism is that he's pretending, you know, he's acting one way, but he's still cheating if he's gay. I guess for me, it felt like it was born, the criticism was born out of from a spiteful place from Kenya. I guess maybe that's why it also rubbed me the wrong way.

Like it was part of a campaign to take 2D down rather than just sort of like general like, you know, it's sort of funny. I sort of noticed like a little feminine, whatever. You know, because speculation, people speculate about things in life, whether it's appropriate or not. But I think in this case it just seemed to be coming from a hateful place from Kenya's point of view.

For sure, yeah. Actually, that's probably why I was so uncomfortable about it. Yeah, because she's going to use that against somebody as some awful kind of slander just to bring down somebody she doesn't like. And I felt that would ruin his life and his career. Yeah. Anything else is sad that we still live in a world like that. But, you know, I think I think you used the right word. I think you used the right word there. Slander.

It felt like it was more in the realm of slander than speculation or light gossip. You know? Oh, yeah. She's doing it on purpose. She's the worst. Nothing redeeming about that bitch, okay? Not one single thing. I hope she gets her ass canned from this show.

Listen, if you can get me being mean about somebody even when their mother, like, even when their mother dropped them and I'm still on the mother's side. Like, you guys, come on. I can find redeeming qualities in almost anybody, but not that bitch. Get rid of her ass. Get rid of her white rain iron smelling ass. She's so crazy. She, like, it's like I hate her, but she's kind of essential these days. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real.

I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less.

In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make

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collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Jesus. I know. Why don't we move on

to Top Chef as a little amuse-bouche. We always do this. It's a little Top Chef palette cleanser in between our housewives. This bouche was not amusing, Tom. Oh, geez.

This episode, Restaurant Wars Part 2, had me cracking up. The judges were not happy. They went in. Well, so basically we have two teams. We have one team that has Isaac and the two ladies and Kurt. And then on the other team you have the bros. The cocky bros. Which include Phillip, Kwame, Amar, and the bear. I don't know what his name is.

Jeremy. Jeremy. Oh my god, I love that man. So, Restaurant Wars. So, at the end of the previous week, the teams were pretty even, even though the Bro team had messed up their service. So then going into this week, it's more of the same stuff. I'm going to make this. I'm going to make that.

I'm going to make that. Whatever. And the Bro team just fell apart just massively, massively. They just had a terrible, bra bra bra bra bra bra bra tom i actually blame tom because what happened was after lunch he walks out there he's like you know like you know this is a perfectly fine lunch but this is top chef you have to you have to push yourself but that advice is so ridiculous because it didn't even come at the right time like why are you telling them when they've already planned their menus and prepped like they're about to cook dinner you can't tell

them to be crazier now they've already done everything your advice sucks dude i think it got into their heads because i think the bro team tried to be ambitious and they just kept putting out shit first of all philip had some strawberry thing which looks so disgusting now i hate berries to be fair i do hate berries i hate strawberries and blueberries and raspberries i'm weird i know everyone's like what how do you hate berries yes this is my thing i hate berries so when i see some dish that has like a berry like some strawberry or whatever floating around that's supposed to be a salad i'm already gagging inherently but i think even if you like berries, you could see it look disgusting.

And also to double, it's Philip's. And Philip is the worst. He is the worst. He's such a gross person. He's like the – he's everything bad about L.A. rolled up into one little man bun. Yeah. I love when he was doing front of the house and he's talking to different tables. And the judges were like, how much do you want to bet?

He's not talking about this restaurant. He's talking about his own restaurants here in L.A. And they cut to philip he's like yeah so you know scratch bar is my first one that's in beverly hills then i also have garrity and swine and philip i'm i'm adjusting this because now i'm lying down because i'm professional like that um philip this whole episode was trying to deflect blame and he's just such a compulsive liar and you know i get like a douchey personality but at the end of the day he does work very hard he has his own restaurants and normally i would respect that about a person but he's so dishonest and tries to get people in trouble for the dumbest shit that he does and just flat out lies about so many things like him him and he and kwame were butting heads a little bit uh just because everyone thinks he's

annoying at this point and kwame i think is cracking a little under the stress like he's letting his douche come right out yeah he's never been the same since the jerk broccoli no he has and he keeps making dishes that are like yellow and green. It's so weird. He can't get over it. Let your father go, darling. All right. Let him go. Lowenstein. Lowenstein.

Sweetie, you're old enough to let it go. Stop blaming your dad for your jerk broccoli. Don't, don't, don't. What was I going to say? Oh, so Kwame says, I'm going to do the olive oil and lemon dressing now. And Philip goes, okay. And then it cuts to Philip going, you can't put olive oil and lemon together early because it will curdle the olive oil. But, I mean, if Kwame's going to make me do it, you know, he acts like everything is somebody else's fault.

But also, like, you know what's a really classic vinaigrette? Olive oil and lemon juice. Okay? People do it. It's okay. You can combine them ahead of time. It'll totally fine maybe slightly acrid i don't know it's not that's not true there's lemon in almost every vinaigrette out there do they show up at your table acrid no and they're made in the morning he's full of shit dude yeah that's an idiot he doesn't even know

what he's talking about half the time and then he calls his dishes something fancy dude you just made you just made blended strawberries and threw them on a and then he made a cocktail also and what was funny is that the cocktail was for people coming into the restaurant so you'd show up at the host stand and they would the guy would like pull out a cocktail from below the host stand and give it to whoever was coming in and what was funny was the judges hated this i mean i would have i wouldn't have i in and what was funny was the judges hated this i mean i would have i wouldn't have i would be like okay cool but the judges were like this is so amateurish and looks so stupid and then the fact that the host is like bending down and pulling out a cocktail and then later during the judging they were they were they told him how how stupid

it was and then philip's response is even more ridiculous he goes well thank goodness i'm not being judged on the cocktail and they're like yes you are oh gail i don't know what's going on i don't know who peed in gail's cornflakes but please keep doing it i love when gail simmons shows up in just a shit mood they were they were angry but you know what they were also like drunk you could tell they were getting drunk and the the drunker they got, the more angry they got. And Bill Che, their guest, what was funny about him was that he was so understated and so devastating.

He'd be like, this is terrible. This is cooked absolutely incorrectly. I would never want to be unkind, but this is the worst thing I've ever put into my mouth. Like, whoa! I actually am going to fling myself into traffic now because it's so terrible. Thank you very much. I would rather be eaten by a rhinoceros, pooped out, eaten by a duck, re-pooped out, and then ground into the ground by a troop of Girl Scouts than ever eat this again.

It's like, whoa, buddy! Who does that? Seriously? Seriously? He's actually, whoa, buddy. Who does that? Seriously? Seriously. He's actually, he just calms Dossie. He's like, I cannot handle this dish, Kristen, Kristen. I just don't get it.

I can't believe you would serve this dish six months away from my wedding. I can't believe it's not better. Kristen. It is my fucking birthday, Kristen. I can't believe it's not butter. Chris Tan. It is my fucking birthday, Chris Tan. You're a stupid thing to say. Padma. Okay, Philip, Philip, Philip.

It's just me yelling at Philip. All these notes are like, fuck him! Like, every single thing. Philip, okay, did philip have a waiter or a busboy or something doing his prep work because he had someone slicing strawberries yeah you're not allowed to do that yeah you are they've done that past seasons you're allowed to use your waiters yeah but it's risky because they're not trained you know they're barely even trained to be waiters philip's like all right listen up waiters

it's very important that the servers share the artistic vision of the restaurant i'm like dude look at these guys they look like they're auditioning for the musical version of cac cocoon in my cac cocoon directed by kim fields the cat skills they do not they don't share your vision of anything okay they're waiting for their minimum wage so they can go like eat your shitty food in the back lame philip that's all i have to say i have no other philip notes for this um mar uh marjorie i keep thinking that marjorie is gonna get screwed over last week uh marjorie, I keep thinking that Marjorie is going to get screwed over. Last week, Marjorie was a little bitchy. A lot of people online are like, fuck her,

because they'll turn on you really fast on these shows. And also, Karen, I started to turn against, because I was like, what a bitch. I love Karen. But then this week opened up with Karen being very nice to the New Orleans guy, who is obnoxious as hell, by the way, Isaac. She's like, hey, I just wanted to tell you Isaac, really good job.

That's good because you totally redeemed yourself. Before then, she then served up some coconut stuffed trout or whatever or rice stuffed, coconut rice stuffed something that the judges unanimously detested. I think that's the one that he said was the worst one

that they'd had all night. But they liked everything else that she did in fact in judging they're like no everything you did was great you know except for one thing but we won't get into that judges thank you judges you know it's really hard to have good service but you know you did it karen you did it you had great service great front of house and it was marjorie who did all of that and i don't think she gave Marjorie credit for that. Whatever, betch. I know. I love Marjorie.

I'm trying to remember what Marjorie did because she did like a million things. Well, she also, she made a berry soup, which, you know, berry soup with a panna cotta. I hate berry soup for reasons I've previously stated. And then she did some, I forget, Marjorie did some, but she was helping with everything. But she pulls it off. She pulled it off because she's wonderful. Karen, you can tell, doesn't wear a dress much. Yeah.

That dress. I was like, of course Karen is wearing a dress in the Charlie Brown pattern. It was made out of those sad sack Charlie Brown patterns. And I thought, you know, as ill-fitting as this dress is, it's very fitting. It's the same time. It's funny. That's one of the fringe benefits of Restaurant Wars is seeing some of the chefs dress up because some of them really are incapable of doing it and have no idea. Which is why I think I complimented Kwame's blazer last week.

I was like, oh, look, a nice-fitting blazer. Who would have ever thought on Restaurant Wars? Normally they come out in, like, fancy rags. Well, it's easier for men because we we only have one style that we've had to wear for years and here's yeah and a dress shirt and that's it but women have to like go change with the times and buy all this new shit and these poor women the chefs you know chefs work 12 hours a day you can't keep up with anything and this poor poor karen i don't know why i'm judging karen's dress I just thought the Charlie Brown pattern was very funny.

Um, so, but, but anyway, but on the men's team. So then, Oh, actually one of them made crudo.

Uh, I think it was actually on the, the women's team. Someone made crudo and they're like, I think it was Carl. I call him Kurt before Carl. I think. And the judges were like,

Oh God, not another crudo. tom says it's the new pork belly yeah but that was funny yeah uh yeah snapper and crudo no they got really pissed off at that uh marjorie and her bread okay marjorie's starting to scare me with her bread i yeah i think it's good that she can pull that out but i'm not really believing her because now she's making some other kind of bread and they look like the dinner rolls she just fucking made and she's like oh i hope these are good never done it before like you're a fucking liar stop lying okay you've obviously done it before no one someone

better stick mary berry on her yeah she's she lie she a lie good bake positively scrumptious marjorie i've never done it before shut up uh so on the bread team oh so amar amar made something uh he made first of all he was like a bad leader he he let things i don't care what anybody else makes because you know i could do whatever they want but you know i just have to worry about my own dish. I was like, oh, no, you're in trouble, girl. Yeah, especially when his own dish had a broth that apparently tasted like vinegar, where people were like, is this just straight vinegar? And in fact, the judges didn't really even come down on him for that. In the judging, they came down on him for leadership.

I'm sure they came down about that sauce. It's on the editing room floor. But I would have liked to have seen him get into trouble for that sauce, because that looked terrible. Sometimes the judges on this show, I noticed it this week. And I think it's because they were drunk. But I was looking to see if they have notebooks. And I don't think they write notes.

And you can tell because they forget a lot of times. Like they'll give something really bad marks and then give it good marks in the end judging. I'm like, what could have possibly changed besides your shitty memory and whoever you just don't like their look up like philip he it was his time yeah because philip had his strawberry thing and then uh jeremy did something that i don't i just don't remember what they didn't like but they just were massively massively unhappy i think the meat was the meat under or was it over i don't remember there. There was some steak that went in the wrong way, wrong direction. I'm trying to find it in my notes what they did because I'm trying to, you know, jump around. No, it's OK. Like we're supposed to on this show, but I keep stopping at this note.

Bangkok dangerous. That was the name of Philip's drink. Who names a drink? Bangkok dangerous. It's like giving someone a glass of chlamydia. You idiot. Who would do that? Stupid. Isn't that isn't that a reference to Dangerous? It's like giving someone a glass of chlamydia. You idiot. Who would do that?

Stupid. Isn't that a reference to a movie, Bangkok Dangerous? No, it's Shanghai Surprise. No, there's a movie called Bangkok Dangerous. Oh, Madonna wasn't in it. I don't care. Because I'm gay. And that's what I care about. It came out in 2008 and it stars Nicolas Cage.

So now we see where this all went wrong. Snake eyes. and stars Nicolas Cage. So now we see where this all went wrong. Snake eyes. Here's your Wicker Man cocktail. Here's your hair plugs. Enjoy drinking those.

Here's your adaptation cocktail. That would actually be a good drink, but it would be like all these different drinks all mixed in one. Every sip you take, you're like, well, they can't all be a moonstruck surprise here's your leaving las vegas you'll drink it and then for two hours you slowly die sadly here's your face off cocktail where it's actually a whole different cocktail unexplained bird scenes go and you're gonna have visions of cch pounder dying in flames that's another cch pounder reference first one

was in the bonus episode so yes i would like to congratulate cch pounder for making it into our conversation twice in a day that's quite an honor that's a double cch founder episode oh here was the back i'm bringing her in again here was the huge thing that they hated i finally found it in my notes um the risotto yes jeremy the bear makes risotto and he's like yeah this is risky brah because like risotto is like always a disaster Top Chef, which cracks me up because risotto is rice. Come on, you guys. How fucking hard is it? People on Top Chef don't know that you have to cook risotto in broth.

Why would he cook risotto in water? You keep saying you know every Top Chef episode and you know it's a disaster. It's because they don't use broth. We've seen it like four times. Yeah, and why if if you know that risotto is super challenging on top chef why would you choose restaurant wars of all the competitions to introduce your risotto yep and they knew immediately they said when it arrived they knew it was well i think it was bill chid again he's like i can already see that this is going

to be one of the worst risottos i've ever experienced in my professional life because it was standing stiff and you know it's not supposed to be like that and then pat oh you know what padma felt so good because she was like i don't think that this was made with broth i think this was made with water and then sure enough then during the questioning she's like what did you make your risotto with and he's like well i had to use water it's like you should never use water in risotto with and he's like well i had to use water you should never use water in risotto padma's deadpan robot ass love it uh kwame's chicken sucked amara's miso sauce sucked yeah those guys just really i wrote judge's table padma's terrifying robot face she was really giving a look from hell today she was like burning

through people they were angry the terminator they were angry i think the judges actually get excited for restaurant wars and i think they get i think they get upset when they get bad food because they have to eat eight plates of it sorry it's I was exhaling. Isaac wins, which this show is really so good at making you turn back and forth about people. Because Isaac makes me crazy. And to me, he's all personality and shit food. He doesn't make that much. You know, if you make a sausage every week and it's bland, that's really bad. But then I started feeling really bad because everybody was mean to him.

So then I was reading for him. But then he won. And then I started feeling really bad because everybody was mean to him. So then I was reading for him. But then he won. And then he wouldn't stop screaming like a little girl on fire. And so then I didn't like him again. Like, come on, Top Chef. Let me have, like, a consistent day. I know. So he won.

I was happy for him. They play with us. They play with our hearts and minds. Philip tries to shift strawberry blame. Tom says it would have sucked either way. I love that. Phillip's like, yeah, well, I made the strawberry, but, you know, I did it because, like, they were thinking that this and, you know, I was going to do that. And Tom's like, yeah, none of that would have helped.

It would have been terrible. You know the thing about your strawberry dish? Terrible. Any iteration, even the ones you're imagining right now, still terrible. So Philip ended up getting out, and the reason it's so fun to hate douchebags, delusional little douchebags like Philip, is because even after he loses, he says things like, Well, I told myself if I was going to come lose on Top Chef, I was going to make something great. And I made something

great and I lost like you are so stupid you made strawberry syrup and poured it on a salad that is not great the picture of you in front of your restaurant is embarrassed right now it's like bowing its head in shame because you are too stupid to do it the picture is smarter than you well actually believe it or not his restaurant guarantee, Gaurdine Swine, whatever it's called, is supposed to be wonderful. But I don't know. Although, again, we liked what he made us. Or at least I did. He pickled some fucking vegetables.

I liked it. That doesn't count. Well, I did, too. I like pickles. But it doesn't count. It's a cooking show. I know. Fucking raw, I did too. I like pickles. But it doesn't count. It's a cooking show. I know. Fucking raw fish and pickled vegetables.

Crudo. Crudo. How crudo? How crudo? Okay, so now it is one hour and 1530, guys, and it's time. You mark down that time because you know what? You can also say that's the time when Ben Mandelker had to go pee. You son of a swatch.

That's a lovely Swiss watch that never stops working. You're welcome. Be back. We are back from pee break. I love a pee break, you guys. I love a pee break. Whenever we went on road trips when I was a little kid, my mom was like, it's a gas station. Pee.

I do not want to listen to you have to pee later. And so whenever I get a chance to pee, I pee. Well, you know, if you're friends with pee, then you're friends with me. Oh, man, I like it. That's such a romantic pee rhyme. Well, it's actually a song. Remember, you don't remember that song? If you're friends with pee, then you're friends remember that song if you're friends with p then you're friends with me if you're friends no you know that movie where

that guy wakes up with amnesia and he has to refigure out his life every day that's me i basically have to walk around my house like oh i was growing something together what was it where's the screwdriver where's the wood what was it what was i working on yeah idiot you guys if you're considering starting to smoke weed don't do it it really does eat your brain alive i've already got amnesia and i'm like 40 yeah um let's move on to cry but i forgot what i was talking about real house was a potomac i love real house waswives of Potomac. This show needs to die. What? I hate it.

This is, to me, our Tuesday episode is just all one big build-up to being able to talk about Real Housewives of Potomac. I think this show is a steaming pile of shit.

I really do, and I'm not just saying that to be contrary. I love it. They are trying so hard. This cast is trying harder than the ladies of Shesha. And that's saying something. I think it's hilarious.

I think it's great. It cracks me up. I think Atlanta tries harder. I mean, because those women are funny, but they have nothing going on. So that's why you have stupid storylines like make an commercial about sunglasses. I mean, talk about trying hard. If that's what counts as drama, I mean, come on. This show has me thoroughly entertained from beginning to end.

I love it. I love all these women. The only thing I really respect in my entire life, well, besides Bueller, most kind of, my television. And I don't throw things at it, but that's what i want to do the whole i want to start eating popcorn again just to throw it every time stupid karen comes on my screen just to just to hit her in the head with a carb i would for some reason i had this thing in my head all morning like every time i did something i was like narrating it third person karen huber style so i was like karen huber does not make eggs i went to this went to the supermarket i was like karen huber does not pick out parsley

karen huber is not pleased with the radish section of this karen huber does not buy organic karen huber would come to ralph's but she doesn't like stores with apostrophes in the name karen huber does not appreciate the name Ralph. She probably has somebody out there taking off apostrophes of every Ralph she enters that stupid highfalutin batch. So Ben, I have an honest question about this show. Yeah.

Why does every single episode start with a closeup of the tennis court? Every single one, somebody is playing tennis. Today it was a tennis ball on the court is that the only place they're allowed to shoot what the hell is that the only fancy place in potomac that's that's i think it's yeah i think they don't have a lot of stock footage so that's their way it's it's either a tennis ball or a fawn across the lake you know that that that deer has gotten so much tv time that terrified deer so good yeah but um so

it opens up first of all i also want to say i love the music in the show it's got this like jazzy i love it i'm like alan lazar if that's you you're doing great work but um it starts off with karen going to flight school and this cracks me up because she's like, this is the flight school? She's like, where are the jets? I'm like, come on, Karen. You are not flying a 747 for your first tutorial, okay? I haven't prayed for anybody to go down so badly since I was at a strip club. Since you're hanging out with Matt from Real Housewives of Atlanta.

since we're hanging out with matt from real housewives of atlanta um so uh karen explains to us that the reason why she's going to flight school is that you know now that my children have moved on i'm looking to do things like new activities and pick up new sports i'm like you karen huger you're gonna play a sport now? Guess what? Guess what? Karen Huger is now taking up pole vaulting. That's what I said. No, she just wants, that's not rich enough. It has to be something that requires a ton of money that she didn't make and no effort on her part. Yeah.

Curling. Her, she is so, curling. That would take effort. But you know what? She does have some athletic ability ability the jugs on that woman are those those are not real right why would you get an entire village worth of water on each of your breasts who is that comfortable for nobody that that woman must have a spine of steel to carry those things around she's ridiculous yeah she i'm sure she must have a spine of steel to carry those things around. She's ridiculous. Yeah, I'm sure she must have back problems

because that is, I mean, that is a lot of saline solution. And if that's your normal chest, like, go for it. And hey, even if you want falsies that are that big, go for that too. But I just don't understand putting that much effort into just, I don't know, getting up from a chair. Yeah. Talk about making an uneven load. You don't want that on a small just, I don't know, getting up from a chair. Yeah. Talk about making an uneven load. You don't want that on a small plane, darling.

She's saying, she's such a snotty bitch. I love her. No, I don't love her. You see, that's another tick I have. I love her. I love it when I love this part. No, I don't. I don't love it.

Okay. She's saying, Karen Huber picks her pilot. She's trying to pick her pilot. And then she says karen huber wants a plane with two propellers what and the lady's like no actually it's better to have um a single engine they're safer and she's like and she does that thing where she purses her lips like and then one eyebrow raises like this poor person is lying to me cub Cuban, Karen Huber knows a liar.

It is bad etiquette to lie about planes. She's like, this is what I would like. Two propellers, one wing, and half a tail. And then she kept standing in front of Giselle because Giselle came with her. And she kept standing in front of her so she wouldn't get to talk to the flight person too, the school person too. Did you notice that? Yeah. She kept re-angling herself so giselle couldn't be on par with her well she also had this whole bit that she kept on like cramming down her throat she's like well where's the eye candy you know if i'm gonna go down i want to see some eye candy if i'm gonna die i need to see some

eye candy like the whole hour she just kept on mentioning she's like hey did you hear about the pilots some of them are real eye candy you know when i'm flying on a plane i want to have some eye candy when i'm going down it's like yes karen we get it you want to see an attractive pilot bitch you've had enough candy candy okay just stop with the candy and then giselle with nothing to say on her own she's always she's another one who's just got to bring everybody down oh by the way i know what a hypocrite i am right now by saying this but she's another one who just got to bring everybody down. Oh, by the way, I know what a hypocrite I am right now by saying this. But she's another one who just has to bring everybody down at all times because she has nothing else to say in life. Girl, I get you. I'm working on it.

So should you. But she starts talking about this Ashley girl who's basically five years old. I don't even know why these old bitches think that it's okay to even make fun of somebody that young because it's crass. But Giselle's like well what did what did you think about ashley bringing us to the bottom of the barrel like a good one and then i love karen was like well i don't think that ashley knows how to entertain mature women i'm like well how about you give her some mature women before you make that comment i didn't see any there what is she supposed to have like a tour of a bidet factory jesus christ lady

i know she got you wasted what the hell else do you do with your life so speaking of uh ashley then uh we go over to the playground where katie and her wild children are are like playing around on this slide thing and ashley shows up with her dog and and the dog's not allowed in the park um and i don't know i just laughed because like this one why are kids allowed in the park with pets aren't allowed that's not fair it's discrimination and i have to say i agree with her why you let your kids shits all over the place at least people pick up after their dogs every time they go to a park there's diaper full come to my. At least people pick up after their dogs. Every time I go to a park, there's a diaper full. Come to my neighborhood. People do not

pick up after their dogs. You know how much dog shit is on my sidewalk? Darling, it's a tribute to MJ. Yeah. Maybe it's just MJ. But either way, people come up here to go to Runyon Canyon and their dog's shit everywhere. They're like, whatever. I don't live here. In front of my building, they even have little plastic

bags that says, here, use a plastic bag to pick up your dog shit if you forgot to bring bags. People don't use it. There's dog shit all over this neighborhood. It's like walking through landmines, all right? It's gross. So I get it because people bring their dogs into that park and the dogs will pee and poop everywhere. That's true. I'm a dog owner, but I have to say that that is true.

People are overprotective about their kids and germs. But, you know, that being said, kids should not be playing around dog poop. So I am all for having some boundaries. You know, dogs don't deserve to go everywhere. OK, everyone. Oh, my God. Get your dog out of the Whole Foods. That really grosses me out.

I don't like that. I don't like a service dog because you have social anxiety when you shop. And I have a service dog. My dog is like a full fledged crazy person dog, you know, because everybody can go to the doctor now and get one of those things. And I do it so I can take him on the plane and so does everybody else. It's starting to look like that bus on Romancing the Stone. I think I've said that before where there's just like chickens everywhere. And you're like, what the hell?

It's an official racket. Like the New Yorker has an article, a long article about what a racket it is to have a quote-unquote service animal. Obviously, there is a need for service animals. People really do need them. But by and large, most people just totally abuse the system. But they don't need emotional support animals. That's where the racket is. That's bullshit.

You could pay basically $25 or $50 and get the little vest that goes around your dog. $25 or $50 and get the little vest that goes around your dog. And so this writer for The New Yorker went and decided to test this and got service animal like certifications for all these crazy animals. She brought a turkey onto the bus, onto the New York City public bus. And the driver was like, you can't bring a turkey on. She's like, it's a service animal. It's like, oh, okay. A service turkey.

She brought a turkey. It's crazy. I'm a service animal. It's like, oh, okay. A service turkey. She brought a turkey. It's crazy. I'm just here to make Karen feel better about her giblets. So it is a racket. But that being said, I was cracking up when Ashley had to tie her dog up to the fence. And we just saw a five-second shot of the dog hopping up and down. So every episode with Ashley, she's gonna put her dog in terrible danger the very first shot of the dog uh he or she i don't know the name she was she was

shitting she was sitting on um one of those uh power outlets on the ground you know that there's no lamp plugged into it's like sitting on the power outlet this episode she changed she just hooks the leash to the fence and so the dog's jumping up and down i'm like if that dog trips it's gonna hang itself right now like ashley is the worst dog owner ever um so then what was funny is so as ashley and kitty are talking ashley is so up front with how shallow she is she tells us she, she goes, I initially connected with the women at Potomac because of their status, but I'm really starting to like them. You are so

shallow. And then she follows it up by going, they broke all the stats that I have. What thoughts were those, darling? I know. I can't believe she actually went on the record and says that she connected because of their status. And whether she means connected in terms of like emotionally connected or connected as in she met with them,

the point is status is what drew her first. I originally just hung out with these women because it was funny wearing bikinis while they looked jealous, but now they're kind of nice. But meanwhile, Katie's daughter had the right idea. She tried to punch Ashley in the face. Normally I'm the baby whisperer. The baby whisperer. Lady, your husband's

the baby whisperer. That man will marry a toddler. You also, as much as you hate this show, Ronna, you have to give it up to the editors, because they are having the time of their lives. When Katie, they're talking about being 27, and Katie was saying how it was her favorite age because when she was 27 she had no responsibilities and then they cut to the nanny may holding her three children as if katie had is burdened with any responsibility right now she still has here you know she's becoming awful i

kind of liked her at first she's really becoming unbearable this one this katie girl i'm still not married yeah we know bitch and we also know why after four episodes who the hell is gonna marry you you crazy yeah and then she does that whole my family my family is very well respected and they're very traditional so it's not a good look to not be married you have four kids and you divorced i mean how many times do i have to say it you got a divorce four months pregnant bitch like you know it's stop telling me about your traditional values you know it's not a good look dry humping a guy in a bar for an hour so anyway talking about using a gay guy incorrectly

jesus so then anyway there so katie uh responsibility laden katie is sitting on the swing with ashley while her kids while may is chasing around these chasing around these terrible children. The dog's hanging itself. And then Ashley's going, well, I really want you to look up people on the internet because it's really important when you meet new people to do a background check. Like, oh, where have we heard this one before? Background checks. They're back.

They're back. Did Married to Medicine even get any ratings? Why are you stealing from the lowest rated show on Bravo? Oh, God. Lisa Nicole is going to come flying down that slide. Be like, someone who gets me finally. She's like, I'm handing out cards to people. Ashley is going to get a background check.

That's like saying, I'm going to open a ski resort. Stop copying terrible shows. going to get a background check that's like saying i'm gonna open a ski resort stop copying terrible shows but what's terrible is the way that ashley is so graceless in the way she mentions this you know she doesn't even say so it was funny because um you know i thought i'd recognize you from something so i i just did a google search to see if i if i could if i could trigger something and i saw this she's just like so uh the other day I google searched you I googled you because you know I love to google everyone and so I googled you and oh my god you used to date Russell Simmons that's cool huh like you were just you're just out there I don't know if I

should actually like make fun of you or respect you for for just putting it all out there I actually like it because that is the most flattering thing you can say to katie because it's like the most uh it's the most uh attention she's ever gotten was when she was dating russell simmons it's literally like on her resume i think they've mentioned that five times she's dated russell simmons as if russell simmons hasn't fingered half the toddlers in the world like give me a break he's dated every model that's 20. Yeah, including Cynthia Bailey. Exactly. So, but it's just, Ashley's such a fangirl.

Like, she's so transparent in her attempts to climb this social ladder. And Potomac. Yeah. Potomac. I'm going to get the best table at the Red Lobster. No one's going to get in my way So So then she's like Oh also I saw that

I saw that Robin and Juan They're bankrupt They only have $25 to their name I'm like It's like not even shady You're just full on gossiping Yeah I love it I know but I mean listen I can't act shocked they all do this

but again it's just there's just like no artfulness to it she's just like oh and I saw this and I saw this and then I read this and this is crazy right and then she kind of tries to wrap it up by being like oh maybe that explains why she's being such a bitch to me

you know because she has something going on in her personal life don't even try to say that the reason why you're talking about this all is Maybe that explains why she's being such a bitch to me, you know, because she has something going on in her personal life. Don't even try to say that the reason why you're talking about this all is because you just want to get to know her better. You want to understand her motives better. No, you just want to tell everyone that she's broke. Also, do you know the difference between Celsius and Fahrenheit? I do. Congratulations.

You can work the Internet. I actually Google so much that Google has created this thing where it alerts me it's like because i'm like their vip so like i get a google alert when they when they find something that i like for instance did you know that johnny depp is in iraq band you know that like google and i are like so close that i sometimes start typing something and it's like no no here this is what you meant to say i'm like whoa you're like auto completing what i have to say i can't believe google does that for me and katie's like i wish i could find a man like that did you happen to see my cover on washington life i was on it twice it's basically a zine uh where ashley made her biggest mistake here is thinking that she could

trust katie because she's thinking we're the young ones everybody else is going to be like mean hags to us so let's be nice to each other she's like trying to find a friend and in her defense she really didn't say anything mean i mean she said that robin was broke but everybody knew that i think it was all over the news she was being tacky but she wasn't being mean like i don't think she was being catty i think i don't like i googled her and she's broke and maybe that's why she's mean like i should be nicer to her i didn't know she was broke she's going through hardship that's how i took it and i'm not like in love with ashley i think she's a fucking moron but i mean she's so young and she's

thinking she's gossiping with a nice girl and then then Katie is like the worst. She's the worst. What a bitch. Then Charisse is playing basketball with her kids. And then her friend. She's like, you know how to play around the world? That's where your dad is. He's been on a five-year episode of The Amazing Race. Okay, guys.

If you're going to play this game properly, you're not supposed to speak to me or acknowledge that I'm in the room. Yeah. Okay? All right, here's the way this game works. You just move away. And every time I go, nothing gets in my hole. Okay? Okay, here's what we do.

It's like hide and seek. So I'm going to close my eyes, and you guys just go hide, and then I'll try to find you in about 10 years. She's like, it's so difficult being the dad and the mom. You know, like resenting myself and then feeling lonely because I won't pay myself attention. So difficult. So her friend Renee comes over and they're talking about the marriage.

And then Cherie starts to cry because she wants, she's lonely. She's lonely, which makes sense. makes sense well you know here's a picture of our wedding man i had to do my own hair back then but i'd rather be back then where things were simple at least i would see my husband now notice she didn't say she wishes she was poor again she was very careful not to say that like she knows that she there's no real wood to knock on around there it's fucking i know plastic countertop so she starts to cry and then bernie is like what about your marriage but what was funny is that the previews all season and from last week made it look like bernie had asked something like are you gonna fight for your marriage and then she cries but the crying was actually more about that she was lonely so So it was a little misleading, bro.

Well, she did say it when Brene. First of all, Brene, you're amazing. You're the best friend ever. And we should all be so lucky to have someone like you. You're friends with one of the biggest cut fitnesses I've ever seen on television. And you are so supportive and behind her on everything. God bless your heart. I need one of you in my life.

Now, that said, this woman, I'm my life um now that said this woman i'm not going to feel sorry for this woman she's a total bitch she's an idiot she's shallow she's stupid i'd ignore her ass too her husband's probably looking for a gig in alaska just to get the hell away from her ass but yeah brené says are you gonna fight for your marriage and she says i don't know i mean i just don't want to be lonely oh that's a great reason to stay together that's well how about you let people come upstairs? Yeah, exactly. You let people come upstairs while they're cooking you dinner.

You'd have someone to talk to while you're being waited on, you dumb bitch. Or how about why didn't she just move to New Jersey? I mean, I know Potomac's probably nicer than New Jersey. Because her whole life is status. She doesn't have the same status. Like a condo. Be bi-coastal or by that girl needs to be on her own cul-de-sac at all times because that's more important to her

than her own damn husband yeah well uh and also in fairness i hear moms punching the steering wheel right now uh so in all fairness her kids go to school so she probably doesn't want the kids changing school and disrupting their lives every time their dad moves but if you're going to marry a basketball coach who's going to be moving around a lot that's going to be part of their lives you know people in the army do it yeah he could probably though i don't know how often he visits but i feel like he could probably visit a little bit more he doesn't like her my knowledge my zero knowledge of the situation it's all back to mir from Sex and the City. He's just not that into you.

It's not some deep thing with a guy. If your husband comes home, only plays with the kids, and then is gone by the time you wake up in the morning without even telling you, he's just not that into you. So is it worth it keeping the money? I don't think this girl has a prenup. She got married when she was poor. So take half that money, get a nice condo, and get the hell out of there yeah but again she wouldn't have the status so anyway speaking of uh crumbled marriages we then actually go to like a little lunchtime scene with giselle and her beautiful daughters and they go to pastor seal what pastor seal her ex-husband i'm like really with the scarf pastor

get it yeah scruff is a bit much so jamal uh and so he's talking they have like one of these they have a pretty look like a pretty cordial relationship and he was talking about his congregation and uh for some reason this really amused me uh that when he said that Iyanla Vanzant had come in, or has he said it? Iyanla Vanzant. Iyanla Vanzant. Iyanla Vanzant. It's like the most entertaining doctor's office ever. Iyanla Vanzant.

Here. Iyanla Vanzant. Iyanla Vanzant. here so uh the the big takeaway from this was that when they were talking about uh what was going on in baltimore and how if you remember like prince performs prince performed in baltimore after those riots and then giselle's kids were like, Prince George! First of all, Prince George is like one year old. I know, she's like, Prince George is a baby, okay? He's not performing, you idiots. I love how these kids' celebrity minds work.

When they first had like, I'm Beyonce, I rule the world. I'm Ellen DeGeneresce i rule the world i'm alan degeneres like what what comes the front of their brain is very amusing to me but then the best part is giselle saying no prince is a musician who was once very famous i was like oh i feel old so does prince yeah so this woman really confuses me uh she makes me laugh. I don't really have a lot of hate for her. I think she's, you know, a fucking moron, and she's really catty and mean and an awful human being.

But I'm kind of liking her on the show. But this really pisses me off about these characters. Here we've got a pastor who's talking about being a pastor. Then she's bragging about how he's a pastor, of course because he's a famous pastor, which is what means something to these women. So then she's talking about his cheating, and she's like, his cheating was not about me.

That was all about him, and we're still family. I mean, I cheated Monopoly, and my kids are still my daughters. It's like, lady, why is it so okay? Why is everybody just like, well, pastors cheat too. No, you are a religious leader. What the hell? Yeah, there should have been a little bit more condemnation, I think. Yeah, that bothers me.

And I also don't like that she cheats in Monopoly. I am a board game fan, okay? One does not cheat in Monopoly or any game. Yeah, I just made that up. Oh. You almost got me real mad because i just realized i could imagine her being the one in the family that's cheating at the games she's like my daughters didn't make me their mother yeah um so then uh so then now

karen is going back for another flying lesson and guess what she wants some eye candy i want some eye if i'm gonna go down i want yes karen we get it we get it um so she but my favorite part about this is that her husband came along and he is there taking pictures of everything he is so adorable that guy he's like he has a big smile on his face taking pictures she gets into the plane from this angle from that angle that guy's just i can't tell if he's really loving her or if he's just so glad that he doesn't have to draw everything anymore he's like my phone does this look at this this is amazing i love black bill gates uh the most disturbing thing about this scene is that she lived also okay okay, it's not bad. Despite the lack of holy water on the plane. Oh my God, her holy water.

She prayed over a bottle of water. And she's like, I'm going to put Jesus' blood all over this plane. I was like, yes, that's what Jesus died for. So you could fly around like a fucking moron with money. She's like, literally, my maintenance man is named Jesus and I killed him this morning. Here's his blood. Oh, thank God for those clear, that race of clear people. She, what was I going to say about this dumb bitch? Oh, Mile High Club.

No one needs to hear that. No. Because she's like, it's on my bucket list. Get me a fucking bucket. That's disgusting. Okay. And then. I don't even need that.

I just don't want to hear any clubs she's a part of in that vein yeah me neither and uh the worst thing was that pink dress that she was wearing in her talking head thing has two sides of the dress coming around looking they're not shaped like hands but they look like hands cupping watermelons if she's always talking about how classy she is and she's wearing this whole dress with her jugs hanging all out i'm like you know you're talking about etiquette while you're wearing this dress yeah lady make up your mind make up your mind you're a hoe in the kitchen and a hoe in the bedroom you're supposed to be a saint in at least one of the places i know um so then we have katie in the town how townhome

doing cooking something and then may the nanny comes in and then kitty starts talking about her and she goes she's a lesbian yep and she goes which i love because i love her energy i'm like what that makes she was she giving off some sort of lesbian energy yes i thought she was a manny the first time i think she just loves that there's someone who's able to put ikea furniture together finally in her house i just love that she says it like this big novelty she's a lesbian well did you notice that when may came in and she's like you my la la la and she's like uh what she's like she says what oh yes i am the housekeeper today may and then she turns around to me and she like gives her this

like this look you know when people just want you to find them hot so they act like they're flirting with you but they're not she was doing and I'm like, please stop trying to get attention from the goddamn Manny. You know that May was probably just saying, can I get my paycheck now? She's like, yes, I am the housekeeper today. So funny. May is so funny. She's like, you forgot to pay me overtime. She's like, yes, you can make me eggs, May.

God, I love dykes. Can I call my parents now? I am so hot. Oh, my God. You lesbians are great. Can I have that money you stole out of my jeans? Oh, thank you. Yes, my pores are getting smaller.

Oh, lesbians. Telling you. Amazing. May I have my one meal of the day now? Oh, my God. You're right. I did did change my conditioner and it is looking so good i love my hair too oh katie so katie uh andrew's out of town on a dick sucking trip um also i think he's playing golf broke back mountain camping trips yeah the broke back Brokeback Golf Hole. It's like the Brokeback Hole 18 or whatever.

It's the only place they ever show in Potomac. He's on some golf trip with the boys. And this is a really important scene, actually, because Katie wants to renovate one of his man cave rooms. And Andrew has a room full of fitness equipment. And the reason why this is important is because there's actually a bow flex in there so we finally figured out who buys bow flex machines it's andrew after all these years the bow flex there was a full-on bow flex machine in there that's hilarious like the game of thrones sort of things on it i do not like that katie

kept calling it a man cave that is not a man cave you idiot a man cave is where a man goes to be alone and watch tv and stuff like that it's not a workout room that is called a workout room okay it's all of his workout equipment that's in a room that he works out it it's not like some waste of a room that he's like playing n It's not like some waste of a room that he's playing Nintendo in. By the way, that was a terrible workout room, and it actually really made me seriously question our thoughts that he may be gay, because I don't think any self-respecting gay man

would have a workout room that looked like that. No, he buys that shit at late night when he's wasted after coming back from the bars. He goes to a gym. How else is he going to get his dick sucked? Do you think he's going to get it in his game room or whatever? No, he's going to go to a gym with the steam room that's private well katie had big plans she's gonna she said she's gonna clear it all out and put in a mirror and a picture of her and the kids

i was like that's that sounds like more of a lateral move than anything else but okay yeah you're like i'm still gonna be sponging off of all of his money and insisting that my life be part of his. And he's going to have no say in it. Really? Like every other episode. Nice work. So then we go over to Robin's house. She's getting ready to go to a PR event.

I really miss being the wife of an NBA star, but you know, now I got to go to work. No, I got to go to work now. By the way, here's the real story in this scene. Who is Uncle Gilbert? And why do we not get to see more of this guy? Everybody's talking about Uncle Gilbert on the old internet. They're like, whose boyfriend is Uncle Gilbert? Robin's or Juan's?

Oh, my goodness. Rawr. He was only on for like a flash. And this is like, we've seen a lot of hotness, actually. Between Matt, Sunday night, between Matt, between Uncle Gilbert, between Juan, between the bodybuilder guy, James, at the party. There's a lot of hotness. But Uncle Gilbert. Oh, my God.

It's like a Ben hors d'oeuvre tray. It's like a dream Ben hors d'oeuvre tray. Yeah. These are all right up my alley. Yes. It's a Ben fetish night lady sunday um so they have um i'm so sorry robin that guy was hot okay of course you wrote down hot guy that guy was hot i didn't write it down though i just wrote what a terrible mother and then the next line says paste picante sauce our kids are like this food sucks i hate this food she's like shut up and eat your pace and

it's like these terrible tacos like frozen tacos that she just poured paste picante sauce on gross lady make an effort yeah i i was on the kid's side on that one and you know she would still serve on that when she was rich too she's like here's your dog food yeah yeah um yeah so rob that's i'm still just thinking about uncle gilbert uh new york city get a rope okay so then we go to sharice's house. Big news. She let the dog upstairs. Couldn't believe it. I just hope the dog asks because it's a little rude.

Oh, my God. Karen comes over. She's like, that dog spoke to a woman in a very disrespectful way. Sharice is like, I hate being at home all alone. She's like, the ghosts come upstairs they don't even ask permission what sort of ghost comes upstairs in someone else's house that's not how you haunt someone not how you haunt someone those ghosts should have been concentrating on the breakfast they were making me downstairs I have known these ghosts for 20 years

and never have they haunted me the way they did that night. It was rude. This was the worst prank I've ever seen in my life, this scene. So Karen and Charisse are hanging out complaining that Charisse's husband, like America, doesn't like her.

And so then Giselle and Katie come walking up and Giselle's like let's play a joke we'll knock on the door and then we'll run away and then when they answer the door no one will be there and katie's like that is crazy and so they knock on the door and then they run behind a bush and cerise is like who's out there i don't think anybody's out there i'm not answering the door for nobody. Who is it? And so they finally have to go to the door.

And they're like, surprise. No, it's not. Because you had to come to the door for her to open it. And there was a cameraman standing in the driveway. That's the other thing. It's like a little drone camera above her head following her around everywhere she's like she can't see me yes she can um so they come in and then they karen is wearing what she's called these are my suck me pumps yikes i wrote which actually sounds more vulgar than fuck me pumps

i'm sorry well also because it kind of sounds like you have a dick i mean if if you look like dwight with a wig why would you say come suck me pumps we all know dwight's a bottom karen's confusing karen confuses her damn self i know so actually speaking of sexual things katie katie starts alluding to the fact that she uh like had a lesbian interest once which was oh yeah because um ashley said my husband has a big one and so everybody uh just i was like can you believe she talked about the size of her husband's penis and katie's like well i don't mind because you know i mean i look at everybody's penis just to see you know because i like everyone young people old people and karen's like thank you for that that's what we call etiquette now what about women it's like well um yeah well just one

time because i was a model but you know then there comes a time where you're not a model anymore and so you have to be straight and they're like oh makes total makes total sense. Good story. So then the conversation turned to Ashley doing the Googling. And I love Karen going, we don't Google each other. I'm like, please. Yeah, get out of here. Maybe she means technically, because you know Karen's still on Yahoo. She's still on Lycos. She's like, we do not Google.

We America online each other we prodigy each other all this internet over the wireless give me a phone cord any day it's called etiquette a real woman uses info space oh karen okay the thing that killed me about this is Katie is the one who said, guess what Ashley's been doing? She's been Googling us. When did she turn into such a bitch? Like, why is that all of a sudden? I don't remember.

You knew she was. It's only four episodes. Because Katie is a yenta. This is her Jewish side. As a Jew, I feel like I can say that. Her Jewish gossipy side is coming out and she's like guess who's been good well i mean i probably would actually say the same thing anyway because it's like if someone said to me oh by the way i've been googling you it's such

a strange thing to say but of course i would repeat it i'd be like so-and-so said that they've been googling us well we all google each other don't we i mean what the hell's the point of having google like if you're gonna go on a date with somebody you google them like also remember that these women have nothing to do with them nothing to do all day long so of course katie's gonna mention this because it's the most exciting thing that's happened since she moved the bow flex downstairs and also katie's offense is hilarious to me because of course what she was offended about is that she was talking about rob and Robin's foreclosure. And I don't really believe that other people's money is what you should be talking about.

I'm like, really, you poor bitch? What are you doing? You moved in with a man, are sponging off of his ass, changing his home. I guess it's not okay to talk about other people's money just to spend it. Get out of here. Well, I mean, Katie was also doing the classic thing that we kind of made fun of Shrae doing a little earlier. Katie was like, well, I can't believe that she brought up Robin's

finances. I mean, that's crazy that she talked about Robin being bankrupt. That's crazy that she talked about Robin being foreclosed upon and that she has only $25. I mean, people shouldn't be talking about how little money Robin has. That essentially Robin's homeless. People shouldn't be talking about that. Do you think Robin wants people to know she's standing in a line for cheese?

No. But, you know, that's what Ashley did. I mean, the poor woman is stealing bottles of paste picante sauce out of the dollar store. And what is Ashley doing? Telling everybody. It's just not right. And then, of course, Charisse manages to turn this into a story about her and her husband she's like yeah that reminds me of google when i found out my husband wasn't home i'm like what

how did you segue that was a runaway segue was well maybe you know she's maybe it's just you know when ashley's doing this maybe she's upset because maybe something else is really going on in her life so for instance i have in my life my life, I have a marriage that's falling apart. Anyway. They all hug her. Poor Robin. She's probably just feeling like this because her husband doesn't even say when he's leaving in the morning or when he's in town. One thing does not have to do with the other, Sharif.

So they all have a golden girls group hug and then we go over to Ashley's bar or El Till where we see James the bodybuilder which we all appreciated and then in the meantime Andrew came back from his trip

what did you call it? dick sucking trip or whatever and so here's what was funny about this so so then katie's like oh here's here the renovations on the uh apartment and they go down to the basement and she's like we put in a room for may and it is literally the size of a cupboard it is like a bed with three walls around it and then the rest of the shoe box with a little door hole in it i was like what is may supposed you think lesbians all just want to live in a shoe box what the hell kind of lesbian shows you watching lady it was it was so small and oppressive the the doll the oversized dollhouse from queen of versailles was roomier than this room

they walk in may's like sleeping on the bow flex she has nightmares of the bow flexing to come alive and strangle her she can't get to sleep because the treadmill won't stop they actually put the bed on she's like she's like i keep falling out of bed. She's like, oh, really? No, the bed is actually kicking me out. Either that or you know that's how Katie wakes her up in the morning. She's asleep on the treadmill. Katie presses start. Kicks her off onto the floor.

Well, May has a big bruise on her head, but those lesbians sure can't take a wall punch. So then Andrew says, regarding the renovation, he goes, well, I wouldn't go so far as to say I like it. I would say I accept it, which I think is also what he says about her vagina. He's like, look, I accept that it's there, but I'm not going inside. It's like a haunted house, you know? I respect it. I let those ghosts do their thing, but I'm not going inside. I pay for it, but that does not mean I have to play in it.

Also, I have to say, the door of this room has a big sign that says the missus girl no like now she's just giving herself titles that she doesn't even have i mean and he said wow that's kind of a gutsy move i said yeah kick her ass out okay keep the kids and kick her out stage five clinger um so then we go to the party. And so keep in mind that this bar is at the bar. Does her husband run this bar? Or he used to run this bar, Ashley's husband? Is this the barrel bar?

No, this is L2. Either way. That's the worst Spanish I've ever heard. Maybe it was L7. I don't remember. But either way, it was l7 i don't remember but um either way it was not open bar my husband owned part of a bar that i used to work in and the minute i saw him walking i said he's famous i'm gonna get him and i did congratulations yeah you know what here's what's here's what's bad putting all your money into having some half-naked painted models instead of giving people an open bar.

No one cares about those models. You can't have models at a party and then not have open bar. I'm sorry. She just wanted to promote her own business. That's like those DJs who are like, it's DJ Gonzo's special birthday celebration. $5 drinks at the food bar or whatever. You're not saying a birthday. Or when people do an improv show and they're like,

it's my birthday improv show. I'm not going to sit through an hour of your terrible work. Oh my god. Call me when you're dead. I'll celebrate that. Terrible improv bar owners. So everyone's there. Katie and Andrew are making out. It's like disgusting.

It's worse than Jeff and the girl, Amanda. Amanda. On Princesses Long Island. Yeah, I think they were just being out it's like disgusting it's worse than jeff and the girl amanda amanda on princesses long island yeah i think they were just being uh like overly sexual horny kids but this couple was like the over compensation couple yeah we get it no one cares yes you've been working on the bow flex but it was so deep making out it wasflex. But it was so much. They were deep making out. It was disgusting. They were like open tonguing. Why?

People kept telling them to stop. It was ridiculous. So meanwhile, Robin has now found out that Ashley has Googled her and has been talking about how bankrupt she is. So what I love, I love when Robin does like a put down in her interview because her timing is always so awkward it's and yorish she's like i've heard of people being thirsty ashley is dehydrated get her some water girl you're the one who can't afford a drink you call it dehydrated sipping the rest of your paste bacani sauce on the way here in your fucking ford explorer from 1987 stupid robin so then robin pretty much confronts ashley and he's like

why are you talking about me and why are you saying I'm in foreclosure? That's really not cool of you. And Ashley's like, well, it's because one time I was friends with, you know, I just wanted to know who I'm friends with, and so I'm like, I Googled you, but if you're thinking that I'm saying something malicious, then I'm sorry that I ever gave you the impression that I was malicious, so sorry if sorry is okay. And Giselle goes, listen, sorry if sorry is a game.

And Giselle goes, listen, you can't just Google somebody and then talk about it and then say you didn't mean malicious things. Okay, then every student in America is, like, malicious and going to hell. Because everyone uses Google, you dumb hooker. Oh, Robin, you use the internet? Like, do you steal it from your neighbor i was like how do you get it because like ours was cut off i haven't read a current event in five years actually i've been trying to make um i've been trying to make letters out of smoke for a really long time but no one ever reads them so then they they like everything's like fine with them and then ashy's mom comes on this show

does ever does any fight have any legs on this show they're like i'm mad at you and they're like i'm sorry okay and then they hug and they're like well i said okay this time but next time there's gonna be hell to pay okay so then as so then asley's mom comes in with a birthday cake and ashley starts crying i was like oh i'm like come on this is your 27th birthday it's a cake like relax i just found out we made 19 000 at the bar and then the episode ends with uh ashley receiving a brand new porsche which katie promptly gets in. And she's like, I want that. I'm like, oh, God, Katie, you're just getting worse and worse.

And Ashley's kind of mad. She's like, it was my birthday and yours were mine. Because now she knows that Katie's totally betrayed her. Now that's a fight I can get into because those two will go at it because they're roughly the same age. So they'll get at it a bit better than these other ones but that's so funny and katie's like well she's got an old man who probably can't fuck her anymore a porsche and a birthday cake i mean it's kind of everything i wanted read a book read a fucking book. So funny. So funny.

Don't you have a learning annex in your town? Just learn a trade. Get into crafting. Buy a glue gun, darling. Darling. Hmm. You've already got May. Who needs a man, darling?

That's right. That's it. Let's finish it up. I was waiting for you to finish, but it's my turn. I was going to, but then you were muttering something about May. No, that. That's it. Let's finish it up. Oh, I was waiting for you to finish, but it's my turn. I was going to, but then you were muttering something about me. That's just how it rolls. I'm like rain man over here without any knowledge,

muttering, stupid Bravo things. Everybody. Thank you so much for listening. You know, you can come to patrion.com slash watch what crap is to become premium. Watch what crap is.com for all our links and facebook.com slash watch what crappins for talky talky walky walky ha la la la fa fa and um i think that'll be it we will see you thursday night well thursday

we have another episode obviously but thursday night 6 p.m pacific is our google video chat hangout party thingy so thank you for today and we will see you next time every bub day. Bye everyone. Bye. ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts. Before you go, tell us about yourself by completing a short survey at wondery.com slash survey.