Watch What Crappens - #268: Munchausen Hunters International

Episode Date: February 19, 2016

This episode of "Watch What Crappens" is so hot, we had to evacuate the building. Literally. There was a fire. That's what'll happen when there's nearly three hours of Munchausen controversy, addiction, boobs, Stassi, control freak husbands, and Ramona Singer voice. Here's the breakdown: 00:00:00 - Intro & gossip about Yolanda Hadid's new old name. 00:13:30 - Crappens Mailbag! 00:32:51 - Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Yolanda fights with Rinna! 01:31:35 - Newlyweds: The First Year. Jerk husbands and CRYSTAAAAAAAL! 01:54:49 - Vanderpump Rules. Jax is financing boobs; so he calls the shots. Thanks so much for listening! Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that crappens? For this episode, we want to thank our super sponsor, Marvin Jay. Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast. Joining me is the very funny, very lovely, and I'm sure very comfortable Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hi Ronnie! Hello Ben! I am comfortable!

I could sense it! I could just sense comfort coming through the Skype connection. I'm a privileged American, comfortable on my hard sectional. I'm just so happy for you for that. Everyone, thank you for coming and listening to the show. You can follow us on Facebook.com forward slash Watch for Crappens, where you'll get all the late-breaking Bravo news, and it's where you can engage in discussion with everyone and everything. Come visit us at WatchWhatCrapHands.com where you'll find links to all our social media.

Come follow us on Twitter and subscribe to us on iTunes and all that great stuff. Instagram, it's all there. You know how to use social media. That's just where our links are. And then finally, if you come to patreon.com forward slash watch what crap ends, if you support

us there, we like to give back. So every week you get access to a bonus episode and you get access to all the previous bonus episodes too. We do we have started putting up a playlist of all the previous bonus episodes. The link to that playlist, it's a private playlist, the link to that changes every week.

So if you want to keep accessing all the previous bonus episodes, you just have to just go to the latest bonus episode posting to find that. And then tonight, if you hear this in time, we're doing a hangout on Google with our listeners and that's always super fun we do that once a month and that goes along with Patreon too so go to Patreon.com to find out how to get involved with all those things unfortunately we do not

offer a tote bag but you know working on it I think the world has had enough damn tote bags I was cleaning out my house last week there are bags everywhere those stupid shopping bags. Like, you're not allowed to use plastic anymore, which I get. I'm not, like, fighting for killing plastic trees or whatever the hell. But what are these things made out of?

These can't be good. There's going to be landfills full of Whole Foods crap. You know those are made out of, like, I don't know, plastic. They're plastic, right? Yeah, well, I think it all depends. I have a real bag situation going on in my living room right now. I've got so many tote bags, but then I invariably forget to bring them, so then I also have all these paper bags.

It's just a disaster over there. Guys, we're talking Bravo, so of course we have to open with old bag top. Yeah, we always have to discuss old brown bags. Old bags that need to be discarded, but we just can't do it oh how fitting how how totally fitting um i think we took care of everything we needed to plug right right at the top of the show like did we get through that in record time oh yeah we did it's crazy i'm like better at speeding through that i'm like is there something else we're supposed to be talking about right now you just need to yell at us one time and we're like, okay.

It was that iTunes listener who was like, all I do is talk about random crap for eight minutes. I'm over. This is the worst morning I ever had. Whatever her name was. Gabby or something like that. Sorry, lady. Say we're better. She doesn't know, though. She's gone.

She doesn't know. By the way, if you want to complain, complain on our Facebook page page if you want to give us great great comments do that on itunes all right save your complaining for facebook yeah yeah exactly first of all yeah just do that so um um and uh and by the way thank you to everyone who pointed out the fact that there was an issue the bonus episode we fixed it so if you couldn't access the bonus episode thank you to everyone who pointed out the fact that there was an issue with the bonus episode. We fixed it. So if you couldn't access the bonus episode before, you can access it now. Yeah, it was a fun one. That was a fun day Tuesday.

Let's repeat it. Let's just do all the same things. Well, I am very excited. Today we're going to talk about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. We're going to talk about Newlyweds the first year. We're going to talk about Vanderpump Rules. I love the Thursday show. I love talking about all three of these shows. Oh my god, especially this week. What a week.

Whoa. It's just an old bag full of gold. Yeah. And then we have our Crap It's Mailbag, which we'll get to in a second, but first let's talk some Bravo gossip. We've been sort of ignoring our gossip lately, basically because there hasn't been any good gossip. Yeah, I know. Bravo gossip is like, Daniel Stubbs

sent Andy a mean tweet. Yeah, no shit, you guys. Come on. Come on, Bravo people. Do something. Here's something that I find very amusing. Yolanda Foster has given up the Foster name, and she is now going

back to Yolanda Hadid. So, two things are interesting about this. One, you know, it had to have been – what did you say? It's completely stupid. It's completely stupid. First of all, you know that it has to be a bad divorce if Yolanda is giving up an ex's name. Okay, if she's expunging that from her record, it's got to be bad. Second of all, I think it's really bizarre to not go back to your maiden name,

but to go back to your previous ex's name. That's strange. Yolanda Foster. Wow. Yolanda Foster. Okay, in Austin, there's all these bike riders, and they wear logos all over them. You know, I guess you see that here a little bit too. But they don't just wear normal biking pants and a shirt.

They're covered like a NASCAR car. And I feel like that's what Yolanda is. She's just going to wear whatever fucking brand is paying her. They'll be like an M&M. Yeah, she's going to fuck Nabisco. She's going to name herself to Yolanda Nabisco, you know? I mean, Jesus Christ, woman. You're not supposed to be naming yourself after what you're currently swallowing.

I like that she gives away stadium rights to her name, naming rights to herself. Here's paying for my medical treatment. You think hydrocalonics are free? No, Mohammed pays it. You can cut my business, Lisa Vanderpoops. The sad part is that I don't think she's trying to advertise that she's, you know, Mohammed's. I think that she's actually trying to link herself to Gigi. I think she wants people to remember that Gigi Hadid is her legacy.

Oh, that's true. Yeah, that's why in every episode she says something like this. She was like, oh, look at this shirt. I took it from the Gigi closet, this thing. It's Gigi's. Yeah. Oh, good. Yeah.

So I think actually in this case, it doesn't have to do with Mohammed. I think it's that she is now, she found something else to hitch her wagon to, and it's her daughter. And the other one, and the other one. Oh, yeah. Forget that. She's like, you two get in the back of the bus for the Lime Tour. Let's all just call Gigi on FaceTime. You guys hide behind the seat.

Here, I brought a towel from Man Down by the Corner. It's Little Mermaid on it. Little Mermaid Hadid. So, yeah, Yolande is ridiculous. Was there any other gossip? No, I mean, I think that's pretty much the most amazing thing and that happened like way earlier in the week but it's still fun for me it's yeah it's because it's because it's it's just so it's bizarre i mean i just i feel like when when people take back their identity after a divorce they go back all the way they don't

they don't just go they don't just recess to the previous ex. It's not like that horror movie, what was it called? It Follows. You know, like if you get killed, the curse goes to the last person you've had sex with. Oh, really? I've never even heard of that. It's like a horror movie STD. Yeah. Basically, it's like you're cursed and a monster is going to come after you.

And the only way you can get rid of the curse is if you have sex with someone. And then the monster goes after that person. But if the monster kills that person, they come back after you and the only way you can get rid of the curse is if you have sex with someone and then the monster goes after that person. But if the monster kills that person, they come back after you again. So basically, Yolanda is like the marital version

of It Follows. Follow me, by the way. Follow me, Yolanda Hadid Foster at the Insta. You know, why are you doubting that I am cursed? Like, this is real.

How could you say that? I just want your unconditional support during this curse. I had sex and had GG, and then I was cursed. And little monsters keep coming out at me. It follows. The line follows. It's just like a tick crawling towards her slowly and slowly. She's like, I tried to have sex with so many men, but the tick keep finding me.

That tick is probably so bored. Jesus Christ. How many times do I have to pretend to bite you? You know what someone told me in my recap yesterday? And I'm not doing that just to plug my recaps. You can. Someone told me on Twitter that Yolanda was never even diagnosed

with Lyme officially. She was only diagnosed later with chronic Lyme, which, you know, as we've discussed, is an arguable disease, according to the AMA. So whatever, Yolanda, shut up. What was in that folder? That's what I want to know.

It's just all Gigi's headshots. Gigi's headshots, that's all it was. Here's my proof that I have Lyme. Look at their proof. Look how beautiful Gigi is. That's Lyme beauty. You want to prove that a tech made contact with me? Here are

all of Gigi's contact sheets. Here's Gigi dressed as a maid. Here's Gigi dressed as a secretary. Here's Gigi dressed as a secretary. It's like different kinds of glasses. You know those sheets that actors have? They're like, I'm a wacky actor. Look, I'm a plumber. Here's Gigi as a scamp.

Here's Gigi as a doctor. Here's Gigi as a librarian. Look, look at the form that Lime take. And then Lisa Vanderpump's like, I don't understand what this... This is a monk shot of Bella. What? How could you say such a thing at this time?

I need your... Darling, one minute you're telling us you can't read, and the next minute your daughter is a librarian. Darling, how can you say you've been to every doctor in the world? You haven't even been to GGMD. Well, I went to a house, but Malibu couldn't figure it out. She's just, like, sitting in her house. Maybe you should hire Gigi the detective to go look into this.

Shot of Gigi looking like all like Law and Order SVU. Her detective coat is just naked. She's just always naked in all her shots. What are you modeling, okay? Good genes. She's everywhere. She's on like every billboard in LA right now. I know.

She is beautiful. Oh my God. What a stunner. They're all beautiful. Yolanda was beautiful. Someone was posting a picture of her. Yolanda is still beautiful. Oh, my God. What a stunner. They're all beautiful. Yolanda was beautiful. Someone was posting a picture of her. Yolanda's still beautiful. Was it Julio?

I don't know if it was Julio Iglesias or something. But he was 46 and she was 21. And she was, you know, it was back in the 80s or whatever. And she was wearing those big denim parachute pant things. I mean, it was just the outfit was 80s awful. You know, I mean, the 80s just were not kind to anybody outfit wise. But still, she was so beautiful. I mean, what a stunner.

And even on this show, even in her brown makeup, she's gorgeous. Yolanda's gorgeous. This is nothing to do. I mean, she is absolutely beautiful. She has excellent style. Even when she's raiding Gigi's closet and wearing white jeans. She pulls everything off, even her mom haircut that she has now. She pulls it off. Yeah, she really does.

But she's just ridiculous. She's so beautiful on the outside. Aw. Why don't we just stay on the outside? Isn't that all that matters? Let's just talk about the way people look. Non-stop. Let's do it.

We could do a whole three-hour talk. That's why the tick is following her. The tick is like i don't want to bite you i just want to tell you you're beautiful i'm a fan what can i say i get hungry waiting in line for you to come out of the green room the tick's like waiting in line at the burbank film festival he's like i hear yolanda's coming this year there's a chick on the bath mat the chick has a starring role in Eileen's next movie The tick is judging what Eileen is wearing

Poor Eileen She can't win The tick has a little cigar and a hat and is going gambling with Vinny He's wearing one of those visors She's like I would like to film today But I have been gambled away by the tick Sorry Yolanda's like how can like to film today But I have been gambled away by the tick Sorry Yolanda's like

How can I call you a friend When the tick who infected me Goes gambling with your husband Aline That's not loyalty Stop labeling the tick Why are you not standing up against Why are you not standing up for me Against this tick woman

You are my homies Anyway woman you are my homies anyway uh why don't we move on to the crappins mailbag we have retitled this segment the crappins hadid hadid mailbag By the way If you are interested in Submitting to the Krappens mailbag You just have to go to Patreon

And make sure you sign up at the mailbag level Some people Are confused Go on over there And then you can submit in the comments Of the Krappens mailbag post That we put up once a month oh by the way there is one other item to discuss by the way as i start to go into my australian accent didn't you want to talk about melbourne melbourne did i didn't you say you wanted to talk about melbourne and how like when it's coming back and all that

stuff oh oh i just said that in the email to a friend. I'm not really sure. So we have info on this old mail bin. The real Housewives of Mailbin. This is real mailbag stuff now. Yeah, this is some real shit, you guys. We thought it was going to be coming back February 21st, which is this Sunday, right? God, is it already the 21st? Jesus H. But it's not because apparently Bravo is fighting with NBC about, I don't know, they sold the format to Arena.

No, no. Bravo is fighting with Arena, which is their Bravo, I guess. And they're fighting with them over format rights and money, basically. Money, money, money. And so I Googled yesterday because we were were tweeted why aren't you guys talking about why they're not you know this stupid fight so i googled the fight and nothing came up nothing came up on melbourne and so this uh source told us that because of the fight bravo has put a squash on all the blogs nbc universal has put a squash on all the blogs telling them they're not allowed

to post about melbourne and this and that are people allowed to do that i mean what are you the president the president should be allowed to do that either i mean you should be able to talk about whatever the fuck you want that shit happened after 9-11 when they were like you either you're either with us or you're a terrorist and uh i guess apparently the blog still listened what blog listens to nbc well because i guess they're gonna be like if you uh like if you publicize the situation about Melvin, then we're not going to let you interview our stars. Oh, fuck off. So we won't let you do free commercials for us. Yeah, exactly.

What do you give anybody? You give people clips that expire in two days. No one can post those because who wants to go back and change every post because you get pissy. You guys are dumb, okay? uh melrose melbourne is great oh my god the real house melbourne place just to see joe get in a fight with somebody with her her butch photographer ass okay anyway i'm getting off but you know what i mean so we don't know when it's coming back but it's but there's like a big corporate mess going on so that's that so that was that was an unofficial Kravitz mailbag question okay so the first one is from Henrissa Bassey um she goes okay I like how she starts her question okay okay okay okay please tell us

what a presidency under the following housewives would look like okay we're not going to do all of these because again as we explained last time all these nested questions were it's like they're getting in the way of everyone else's questions so please tell us what a presidency under the following housewives would look like what issues would they champion um and if you have time what would their campaign still gonna be so um how about kim richards as president kim rich? And Brandi Glanville as vice president. Okay. Kim Richards as president. Her first debate.

No, I guess she won presidency. Okay, so her first press corps meeting or whatever. They'd be like, Miss President, Miss President, what do you think about the war? Don't ask me questions. How come you're asking me stuff you could ask me stuff? How do you like if I told you secrets? You want that? Stupid.

You're disgusting. You're disgusting, Jake Tapper. You're a whore. She'd be like, yeah. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, you're not going to fool me twice, Kyle. Except the sad thing is that was actually said by our president. You're either with us or you're with us still.

Hey, how come you're still with us? So many people are with us, you guys. Maybe Kyle will bring us some food. Kyle! The first thing I'm going to do when I get into office, I'm going to put big turtles in the White House, chicken salad every Friday for the cabinet. And then also for the people that work for me, too, because my cabinet actually needs chicken salad. It's like a magic cabinet.

I got it at Ikea. Here's my choices for the cabinet. Corn nuts. Popsicles. And safety pins. Get on it. I'm so confused. There's so many bureaus in here.

I'm like, how many bureaus does a girl need? I just have my dresser. It's fine. I keep going into that bureau and looking for the white witch and that little kid always eating chocolate in Snowyland. They're not there. Who's lying about the bureau? we land they're not there who's lying about the bureau um uh then also uh president what about sheena i see here i would love to see sheena as president because i can see i think her diplomatic game would be amazing she'd be like oh my god north korea I can't believe you launched missiles six months from my inauguration.

She'd have big canvas to prints of herself all over the press room. Every time she was on TV, she'd be looking at herself. Which one of me are you asking stuff of? Which one are you asking me stuff to? Or say the union would be like, the Shea of the Union is doing great. Like, you know, like we're working on things. And like, you know, like Shea is learning that he can drink a little bit. And I think that's going to be great for the country.

To be or not to be? I like that she quotes Macbeth. Isn't that what this is? Isn't this a performance? She's like, I can't believe you're doing a Philip Oscar. Like, who does that? I'm so sick of people calling me a socialist, okay? I do not pull tips.

That's like my number one rule. So, whatever. Marry your own catch-ups. I believe in the right for catch-ups to be able to marry catch-ups. Listen, I'm sorry that I like to talk with people. If that makes me a socialist, then fine. I hope Randy Glanville is everybody's vice president because she's just useless enough to be one. Like, does nothing.

She could slap Angela Merkel just for the to be one. Like, does nothing. She's gonna slap Angela Merkel just for the fun of it. Just says embarrassing shit every once in a while that people report on. She's like, hey, what's up paralyzed person? How come you're not standing up in the standing ovation? She has to go to some diner, says like

publicity, and she's like, fuck you, and fuck this diner. Oh, man. That's some fun stuff. Now, the next question is from Lori. Oh, we love Lori and hopefully we'll see her on The Hangout tonight because she almost always

comes. She says, you are kidnapped and the cast of Vanderpump Rules have been asked to rescue you. Who should lead the operation and who will make it out alive? More important, what about your chances of survival? Well, the chances of survival are terrible. We're all going down. Yeah, we're all going to die.

Well, Jax did get rescued in record time. True. Would this be like Ransom? Like that movie Ransom? I can just imagine Stassi getting on the phone and being like, Give me back my child! Seriously? Who does that? Who takes someone's child?

Kristen, I want 20 million dollars, Kristen. A ransom note. Kristen, I didn't... He'd break down on the phone. He'd be like, well, I met you at the drop, but you weren't there, and I just want you to know that you mean everything to me. So even though I'm about to shoot your child

in the head, I want you to know I'm never gonna forget you kristen kristen's gonna get on with like listen guys i'm really good at negotiating with criminals hold on let me get on the phone with him seriously seriously well guys i tried my best look Look, I kidnapped your kid, okay? But I've already fucked him twice. I'm really sick of him. Like, get your kid off my couch, alright? Listen, I kidnapped him. We fucked four times.

Now we're just great friends. Seriously? Seriously? Look, you can try and take all of my ransom money away from me, but you can't take the insta-likes I gained from marrying your famous son for four minutes and then letting him go again. Your kid's in the park. Maybe James should give it a shot at trying to find someone. You're a stupid kidnapper.

You're just a basic bitch kidnapper. Who do you think you are? Just stealing kids, stealing people, stealing podcasters and taking them somewhere? You're just a stupid, ugly kidnapper. Just ugly. Go steal someone else who's ugly. Go have a nice life stealing ugly people. You either pay me what I'm worth, you basic bitch,

or I'm putting your baby in the pizza oven while I DJ, and we'll see how it cooks. All right? You are. I like that I'm portraying the Vanderpump Rules kids as if they're trying to save someone. And you're portraying them as if they're the kidnappers. Because they probably kidnapped. They're probably like, who kidnapped Stassi?

And they're like, oh, it was me by accident. Sorry. They don't realize that they're the kidnappers. It's like an old Rebecca De Mornay movie. I didn't realize. I was the villain all along still when Rebecca De Mornay has she showed up in anything in a really long time I'm trying to remember

she was in something recently actually I saw it I don't remember what it was but it was something I was like oh there's Rebecca De Mornay yeah she always did it she should actually be on Real Housewives she's totally the perfect demographic I think she's too intelligent and I look I know Yeah, she always did. She should actually be on Real Housewives. She's totally the perfect demographic. I think she's too intelligent.

And I look, I know. I know how that sounds. But don't you think? I mean, she's read through so many scripts. I don't know if there's any evidence that Rebecca De Mornay is any more intelligent than the women that are already on any Real Housewives show. You know that it would be this great name-dropping moment. Lisa Renan, Kylo Ren would say, I used to always meet Rebecca Dormorny at parties,

and we'd say, how are you? It was great back in the day. Who was the last party we saw each other at? Let me think. David Schwimmer. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That gardener from the hills. Wait, wait, wait.

Just name dropping people nobody cares about. Yeah. We spent time on folding chairs. Oliver Haskins has a question. He says, I have questions about the logic of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills universe, which seems to differ from that of the real world. Why was Rinna compelled to tell Yolanda about her Munchausen conversation in the first place? The inciting event wasn't filmed,

so Yolanda would never have known that Rinna engaged. Therefore, why would Rinna confess? Excluding producer involvement, which doesn't exist within the Real Housewives of Beverlyly hills universe does this make any sense to you is it possible that rena's hairdresser was trying to get her to eat a duncan donut munchkin and rena got confused i i actually think that what happened was that someone was talking to lisa rena was like she was probably like yolanda i think has munchausen l and was like, she was probably like, Yolanda, I think, has Munchausen. And Lisa Rinna was like, what's Munchausen? Like, this is what it is.

And Lisa Rinna was like, oh, my God. You know, it's possible, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then after she had the conversation, she's like, fuck, this person's a gossip. They're probably going to tell everyone. And then it's going to get out that Lisa Rinna was saying that you had Munchausen. So she's like, I need to squash this before I like she wants she wants to control the story. You know, she wants to control the message. But she didn't realize she's dealing with Yolanda Hadid. And, you know, her saying, Listen, I had this conversation. And it might

come back to you that I was saying you had it, but I didn't. I just I just was part of this conversation. I feel really badly about it so i apologize for that which you all just heard is her saying you have munchausen's yeah i don't think that at all we differ wildly on this one i think that lisa rena doesn't have much of a personal storyline because harry won't shoot and you know i mean the kids don't do anything but sit there and watch her read things off the phone. So I think but she is entertaining. Like, I like her and everything. I'm just saying, like, storyline wise, she doesn't have much.

So last year she became fixated on somebody else's storyline, Kim. And this year she's being fixated on somebody else's storyline, which is Yolanda. But Yolanda is trickier because all the everybody in the world has been saying Yolanda has Munchausen for what, two years? I mean, this is nothing new, but they haven't brought it up on the show yet. And since Lisa Rinna is like the I'm going to make you own it, Missy. She is the one who has to bring it up. But because she's so afraid of what everybody thinks of her online and Twitter and whatever, she's trying to She does everything in this nice way. Indirect.

I'm just trying to help. But it's passive aggressive. It's totally passive aggressive. I agree. She was confronting Yolanda about having munch houses, but not actually taking the fall for saying it. Of course she said it. Everybody said it.

Well, I actually agree. I think we're both right. I think that she did have probably a conversation, and it probably was like a salacious conversation i do think that she was trying to control control the situation but i think that she also i mean she was being i think i think she was being sneaky obviously that's what yolanda is also responding to because you know she goes on camera and it's like i feel bad i had this conversation and this is what it means in a way she was kind of setting lisa and kyle up she was trying to get them to start chatting about it uh so that way lisa wouldn't i mean lisa rena wouldn't have to so i think what you're

saying is right i think i think she's i think what she's saying i think what you're saying is right but i don't think it's mutually exclusive i mean yeah i don't think it's mutually exclusive i think they're both i think the thing that freaked her out is what you just said, because all the ladies have been talking about it. I mean, duh. Yeah. So I'm off camera. So when she got on camera, they'd probably been talking about it like Yolanda's Munchausen, this is that. And, you know, Kyle is the biggest shit stir in the world.

She's probably like, well, you should bring it up or whatever. I totally believe she did that because I don't think. Well, Kyle said no. Don't. Kyle said drop it on camera but that's what i'm saying i think that off camera when lisa's like well i have this pulled up on my phone or whatever kyle would probably be like yeah you know we should talk about it because that is weird it's a real disease you know talk to her into it and then when she's the camera start rolling and lisa whips out the phone and starts talking about it and then lisa and kyle pretended what why would you say that that's awful to say on national tv who would do that and then they left her holding the bag and then she

freaked out i think she's very easily manipulated by people like kyle because kyle is very good if you don't see all of kyle's side eye and this stuff, she's kind of good at faking it with people. You don't really know she's a C-word until you've got some experience with watching her. See, this is where I think you're a little bit more of a conspiracy theorist than I am because I don't see it as a whole thing. That the three of them had a conversation and they egged on Lisa and then the cameras were on and then they left her in the lurch. I don't see that. But I could see them that they had a conversation. They may have had a conversation about Munchausen or whatever.

Either way, I think it's totally fine, no matter what. I think it's totally acceptable and fine for them to at least think, entertain the thought that maybe she has Munchausen, you know? Yeah. think entertain the thought that maybe she has munchausen you know yeah well it's i think it's very funny that yolanda is now trying to convince people that she doesn't have a disease you know she can't she can't convince people that she does have a disease and she can't convince people that she doesn't have a disease it's like maybe you should just stop with the disease but and maybe like maybe yolanda also maybe she should like if someone suggests to Yolanda that she might have Munchausen's, maybe – like shouldn't that actually be a good thing if she thinks, oh, wow, like maybe I actually have something – maybe something psychological is going on with me.

And if I can – maybe if I approach this psychological issue, maybe I can make this go away. That actually should be her response because if she really looked at it rather than taking it as a personal attack because when you say you have i don't think that munchausen's is even something that people do like consciously you know i don't think it's like something that you actively think oh i don't think she yeah i want people to feel bad for me therefore i'm going to do this i think it's like something that operates that happens on a level really deep that they don't notice they actually make themselves ill so um munchausen's is when you actually make yourself That happens on a level really deep that you don't notice. They actually make themselves ill. So Munchausen's is when you actually make yourself ill.

So I don't believe that because I really haven't seen any evidence that she's ill. I mean there's no – not that she's going to be showing papers on TV. But at this point, she's made such a big deal out of it and she's making a career out of it i never believed it because at the beginning she um when she started the show david fought and i'm just repeating something i've already said so sorry if you've already heard this but david foster came out in interviews like saying how he was gonna let his wife do the show and people said why are you gonna let her do this housewife show that's so cheesy or whatever and he said because she has chronic lyme and it's important she wants a spin-off to help people you know understand what it's like to live with this.

So that bitch was looking for a spinoff the second she got on the show. She's not doing it to be a part of a cast, which is why she's always trying to shoot alone. You know, this way she also gets to shoot alone. I don't think she has Munchausen's. I think she's a fucking liar, period. I think she's full of shit. And she's a bully and an awful human being. And you know, I've gone back and forth on that.

She did get her boobs removed, which is a pretty... That's a pretty drastic thing to do if you're completely lying. Well, her boobs were broken, though. True. They needed to come out anyway. Yeah, they busted. That had nothing to do with

disease. She had to get her boobs removed. But she's still lying around in bed saying she can't walk and she can't do this and she can't do that. So whatever, lady. I'm not buying it. I'm not going to believe anybody who's saying they're sick when they're putting on brown eye shadow and stage makeup to look like they're a poor person and fiddler on the roof. Nope, not buying it. You're dumb. You're a horrible human being.

And after this show and watching her act like this towards other people and try and lie, basically, to other people's face the whole time, I don't believe one thing that woman says. All right. Well, this is a perfect segue out of the Krappen's mailbag into Real Housewives. Yeah, so that rant, I will just repeat over again at the end of this episode. Yeah, it's all just going to be happening over and over again. So we open, not with Yolanda, thank Jesus, because I've already had enough. But we open this Real Housewives of Beverly Hills episode with Catherine. Girl, please.

You know, I think you'll be... Oh, sorry. No, no, go ahead, go ahead. I think I was going to say, as a general note, I think you'll be happy to hear that Catherine is really starting to grate me now. I actually liked her in the beginning, but she doesn't grate me for what you're probably about to launch into, because you really feel like she is conspicuous consumption.

I don't have an issue with that. But she is – I feel like Catherine is – she's, like, not bossy. How do you describe it? The sort of person who just sort of, like, tells you to do things in certain ways. Like, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't say things like that. It's like she sort of is always coming at you. And I feel like this episode, I always coming at you and uh i feel like this episode i was like you know what i think i've had enough of you katherine i was i was in

your corner and now i'm not katherine has the wide eyes of a stupid person you know stupid people how their eyes are always way too wide open like you're trying to convince you of something that's her her eye and it's not even facial surgery her eyes are just too wide open she's dumb like in a cartoon when they get hit on the head with a pan that's the eyes that they make just those dumb vacant open eyes and i think that by bossing people around she's trying to prove that she's intelligent but yeah she's always telling you what you should or shouldn't do or feel and uh that's actually really annoying to me i really hate that when people do that well i'm you know i'm not anti-stupid people you know some people they can't help it if they don't like to read whatever but but uh you know the thing that has bothered me about her from the start is still the thing that

bothers me about her and that is just bragging about money that she didn't make. It just makes me crazy. But they all do that. Kyle does it. Kyle's another one who does it. All she talks about is her money and her brands and what she got and this and that. And look at my kid's new car. And this is

Catherine. I do not like this kind of woman. Or this kind of person. I mean, the show's about women, but I just don't like this in a person. I don't even care if they did make the money. It gets on my nerves. This one scene alone, a remodeled home. This stone is from Jerusalem. I have a personal

chef. This is Calcutta marble. It's like, shut up, lady, and you're getting stone from Jerusalem? That's probably some bomb temple and there's like Palestinians hiding behind that wall. Jesus. Yeah, I mean, that honestly did not bother me. It really didn't.

I don't know. This is just what they have in their life, you know? They don't have anything else going on. Yeah, but if that was all that they had in their life, it would be a setting and not a topic of every sentence that she utters. By the way, all she talks about is money. I don't like it. By the way, I just want to mention about Calcutta Marble that Calcutta Marble is spelled C-A-L-A-C-A-T-T-A. So it's not Calcutta, like the city. So when they're talking about like Calcutta is from India, it's Calcutta is a city in India, but Calcutta marble is not the same spelling.

So if you if you're wondering why there was a discrepancy on the marble front, now, you know, it's not a discrepancy, darling. Isn't it funny that things have become Internet controversies? People have been talking about marble. I've never seen more comments about marble. It's crazy. And then people are taking sides on it. They're like, Catherine was right about the marble. You're dumb. It's like, oh, please.

Wikipedia said, because I had to look it up for a recap, but Wikipedia says that, yeah, what you just said, and that there is Calcutta marble in India, but spelled the other way, and they use it in the Taj Mahal and stuff like that. So that's also a kind, but I don't know. There's like so many different, who cares, marble. You know that shit came from like the Home Depot. Ashley Furniture's marble section.

Totally. She's acting like she's so rich. Really, lady, everything in here looks like it's from the pottery barn. Which is not Ross Dress for Less, so I'm giving her some credit. But it's all like this brown, kind of coffee-colored, you know, you can practically see the staples in the back of the couch. Shut up, lady. I don't believe anything you say either. Yeah, well, I mean, not to skip ahead too much, but it's funny how Lisa Vanderpump prized the home. She was like, you know, it's not grand, but it's comfortable.

Burn. Ooh, wow. Slam. Slam dingo Vanderpump. Dang, girl. And so Catherine has this new fireplace from Jerusalem, and she's telling her personal chef, which by the way this guy had a logo of his catering company on his vest. So

again, that's not her personal chef. That's some fucking caterer she hired. Shut up, Catherine. So she's telling the guy, well, write your prayer down. You're lit up today, Ronnie. You are angry. You're angry. I've been ranting about these bitches for eight pages and now we're talking about them again,

and so now it's less funny to me, and now I'm mad. I just love when you go conspiracy theorist on the chef. You're a caterer. By the way, in case you heard a notification go off on my phone about a minute ago, it's because one of our listeners, Chrissy Key, just tweeted at us. She retweeted something that Brandi Glanville just tweeted just moments ago. Brandi Glanville

says, I'm on a plane sitting one row apart from the pretty lady suing me. I think we should just have a glass of wine and hug it out, Joanna Krupa. Oh yeah, wouldn't that be nice for you? Because then you wouldn't owe her hundreds of thousands of dollars. Isn't that nice how Brandi learns manners when she has to actually pay out of her pocket, which is most likely empty by now?

Yeah, this is... That is one flight I'm happy to not be on. No kidding, that's a Southwest flight I could miss. That's one Spirit Airways flight I'm happy to be missing. It's really like a city bus. Oh, God. What a disaster. So, Catherine is having people

write prayers and put them into the cracks of the fireplace, which, you know, let's hope they catch on fire. Yeah. Okay, so moving on from Catherine because I need to get over my anger.

It's like our Friday. I should be so happy. I don't know why I'm so mad. Next, all the ladies come over. Oh, we're still at this bitch's house. Okay, next day. I'm not next day. The ladies all come over for brunch and she's talking about her infrared sauna.

What does that do, Ben? I don't know. I was like very curious because these are just like, wow, infrared sauna. I mean, gosh, they're good for you. I don't know how. I don't know. I was, like, very curious because these are just, like, wow, infrared sauna. I mean, gosh, they're good for you. I don't know how. I don't know why, but they're good. Listen, I've been around a long time, baby. I've seen a lot of saunas, baby.

Never seen a sauna that's infrared. I knew what red was before there was infra in it, okay? I knew red before inframarriage. Listen, I like all the colors. Infra-green, infra-blue, I like them all. Infra-red, that was my favorite. I'll have it. You know, if you go in that sauna, you become a lunatic. It's scary.

Baby. Whoa, that word is really a harsh word to use about my sauna. But I'm sorry she's a lunatic. Devious. Evil. You can't say that about my sauna. I like to think those infrared saunas are like those price check things at Target. You know, where there's not a price tag on something, so you have to scan it.

I like to think that it sees ghosts. Or it sees like their real faces underneath the surgery. Or it sees the price tag of their face. It seems like the price tag that's glued under their face from when the doctor put it on. I know. You have to use your Ralph's tag to get a discount. Oh, darling. When your price comes from the outside, you need an infrared scanner so you can tell people what you're worth. So, yeah, that's when

Vanderpump was like, oh, what a comfortable home. Very quaint. I love a cottage. There were some big blow-up swans in the pool. I guess everybody has those now. Yeah, there are swans everywhere. Everywhere.

I feel like I'm seeing blow-up swans everywhere. Swans. If you're not going to bite Kyle, I have no interest for you. Let's let this trend go. No wonder why the black swans hate Hanky. He's being immortalized in balloon form. Next up, Thanksgiving Day Parade. Hanky probably feels like the only person in Beverly Hills who hasn't got a facelift yet. He's like, I'm surrounded by plastic blow-up dolls.

Hanky is basically the Lisa Vanderpump of the swan yet. He's like, I'm surrounded by plastic blow-up dolls. Hanky is basically the Lisa Vanderpump of the swan world. He's like taking off, infiltrating every pool in America. Whatever happened to blow-up alligators? You know, that's what I like, an alligator raft. Well, it's Lisa Vanderpump,

like Don Rickles says later. Like an alligator. So, I mean, everybody's already bored at this party because you know that they've had to listen to a whole list of shit that this woman owns. Like every material. Look at my fireplace. Look at my new carpet. It's from, you know, children in India made it. It's from the Silk Road.

They look so bored, especially Kyle. Kyle was her head was tilted on her shoulder like is someone gonna bring up kim or am i gonna have to do this shit myself because i don't need to cry um so eileen actually does when she's bored it's like okay well you know i'm gonna start some shit which was great i was cackling during this part so she's like wow what a lovely lunch. So who was the one who. So I was thinking about it.

We never did find out who actually told Yolanda about Lisa and Kyle. I was like, oh. She just puts it out there. Like, could you please pass the butter too? And thank you for the 18 wine glasses that you've given me for this meal. Can't wait to see what's next to drink. Like, here's some water. Here's some iced tea.

Here's some more water. Yeah. I love your Jerusalem Wailing Wall, which reminds me, we never got to the bottom of who told Yolanda about Kyle and Lisa. Anyway, oh, I love this goblet. You know who else should be wailing right now? Lisa Rinna. Because somebody told Yolanda that she said that somebody else in Malibu said something. So there's for your

wailing wall. Well, Lisa. So wailing wall. Oh, yeah. So then Erica is sick of all this shit already. So she's like, Alright, well, I went to the beach with Yolanda and she asked about the party and I told her that I heard Lisa and and kyle like having

a conversation that's all i said so whatever and then she takes a bite of food and she's so calm and bored about it i'm calling it her siri horror voice because you know how on siri you can pick different accents i have the australian accent uh-huh um i just like that there's like an erica horror siri she's so bored when she has to be around the other women. She's like, yeah, I went to the beach and then I told you a lot. They turn left at this.

And then everyone's silent because she just confessed after all of this. And Lisa just shrugs like, you see there. So funny. No one could even yell at her because she was just so blasé about it yeah they're like all right so rena starts talking about what she starts she's like well i understand what it's like when you say something on a beach because last year someone attacked me i'm not gonna say their name no no but like beaches

do they get in your eye until you're bleeding and then you're like why'd you hurt me beach and i'm not gonna say her name but she's not the human no it was because because lisa rena was like talking about eating food she was like oh this is gonna last me for three months this is this is a lot of food this is like i mean i am already full. And then they started talking about how she doesn't eat, etc. And then Lisa Rinna, it comes up that she has been personally attacked about having an eating disorder. And it cuts to, like, Kim accusing her, saying, Kim says, why don't you have a piece of bread? You'll feel better. And what I love about that flashback, though, is it's not just that Kim goes, why don't you have a piece of bread? You'll feel better. And what I love about that flashback, though, is it's not just that Kim goes, why don't you have a piece of bread?

You'll feel better. You then hear Eileen go, shame on you. I love when Eileen does that. Old-fashioned defenses. Shame on you. You beast. It's so L.A., too, that people are like, she told me to have a piece of bread it's like they walk past

the every bakery or donut shop they're just like that donut shop is attacking me personally Eileen was more offended not that not that Kim Richards was insinuating that Lisa Rinna had an eating disorder she was she was more upset by the suggestion that a piece of bread would make her feel better

you know that would plunge her into a depression for five months. But what was funny is they're like... Do you know what processed flour does to your brain? I'm going to wash your mouth out with soap, young lady. But then what was funny is that when Lisa Rinna, when they were saying like, oh, who attacked you about like having an eating disorder? And Lisa Rinna goes, that person. I was like, come on, Lisa. That's Kyle's sister. Don't call her that person.

Well, I don't want to talk about her because it upsets Kyle. And Kyle's like, you guys, this really makes me upset. Because you're talking about my sister. And she's like, yeah, I know what upsets Kyle. So I don't want to talk about Kim Richards and how vile and horrible and awful and disgusting she is as a human being. And Kyle's like, I don't like when you guys call my sister vile and disgusting and gross, okay? And then she whips out her phone. Good stupid, Kyle.

She's like, I'm going on Instagram or whatever. And then she goes away from the table, like, looking at her stupid phone. What are you going to do on the – who are you going to text, bitch? Ho-busters? Get out of here, Kyle, you idiot. Go outside. Well, what I loved is actually that even before all that happened, when the topic of Kim starts coming up, Kyle says in the confessional, she's like, you know, when people talk about Kim, it's making me feel defensive.

And they cut to Kyle just sitting there at the table silently. I was like, yeah, look at you going to bat for your sister there. And then she did eventually get up but um yeah i mean lisa renault was like it's like come on lisa like you need to as much as kim richards is with bonkers you have to dial it back in front of her sister as well i don't think so i mean kyle has dragged kim through the mud for years and profited off of her misery. So Kyle can suck a dick. But Kyle was kind of right, though, when Kyle said, listen, you know, like Lisa Rinna acts as if she's totally like like like like Kim. Like Kim is the only one who contributes to the situation. Like I, you know, Lisa Rinna is one who also sent that crazy text.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm way on Lisa Rinna's side versus Kim Richards. Kyle was hilarious she's like fuming around the kitchen just like walking back and forth which was so funny to me like i'm sure you're that man kyle give me a break she goes i could bring up that text i could bring up that text that renna wrote last year i was scared for kim really you have you have encouraged kim to lease cars, and now you're afraid of her? How about the rest of the people on the freeway or the sidewalks? How about fire hydrants that that bitch probably slammed into?

Now you have fear for Kim? Shut up, Kyle. Yeah. Meanwhile, Lisa Wren just goes off on Kim Richards. She's like, she's a lunatic. She's an addict. She's a lunatic. She's scary.

She's scary, baby. baby i mean she is scary so i think um because we're about to enter like a different tone but i think that lisa rina keeps bringing it up first of all she's got some weird tick about her she's got that tick and she's also got this tick where she just cannot follow the wise words of a beautiful woman that we all know and loved named Elsa. Let it go. Let it go. She can't let it go. You know why? No, you know why?

Because she has not had a proper time when she's been able to just gloat. Because Lisa Rinna was the first one last season to be like, um, everyone, Kim is out of control. She's an addict. She's an addict.

And then she got, you know, like, they were, like, Kim and Brandi came for her and everything. And she's like, she's an addict. She's an addict. And they fought on the reunion. And Kim's like, I am not an addict. And then, of course, goes so off the wagon. I mean, like, crazy off the wagon. course goes so off the wagon i mean like crazy off the wagon you know all that i think all lisa rena wants to do is say i told you so that's all she wants to do she just wants to have a moment

she's like i told like and did you see that i said she was an addict and she didn't say and she said she wasn't an addict and you know what she did she went and she got drunk and got arrested at the beverly hill and then she tried to chop up from Target. And then she was doing this. Like, she just wants to trot it all out the way we were. But she can't or she doesn't think she can because it's, like, impolite. And so that's why she can't let it go because it's, like, all she wants to do is just have her moment where people say, Lisa, you were right. You were right.

And she can't. So it's just, like like it's stuck in her so it's like leeching out of her in moments like this and i know this because this is what's happened to me in other other cases in life it's like when you just feel you want that vindication you want someone to say hey you were so right but like but like you don't want to be so immodest to say hey remember when that happened wasn't i so right so you want to sort of like provoke the conversations that way if someone says oh yeah kim you know at least you were right that's all she wants but no one's saying that so she just keeps on bringing it up i think there's also something about her sensitivity level where

she wants people to say it's not okay that kim you know mocked your possible eating disorder uh like that's okay but you saying she's an alcoholic is not okay like there seems to be some sense of unfairness with her like some injustice but if she's if she doesn't have an eating disorder it's like i'm not sure how this is making sense in her brain but she's brought this up a couple of times so it obviously really bothered her i'm sure that she hears it a lot because about the eating disorder yeah because she never does well the difference everybody does make fun of her well the difference is is that um lisa rena did not in my in my estimation lisa rena did not um accuse kim richards of being an addict as an attack she didn't do it in order to make kim richards feel shitty and feel bad and to go after her to take her down whereas kim richards

made the eating disorder remark in order to take down lisa rena a peg as like her defense oh yeah so there's a there's the context is is actually quite different so yeah speaking of people trying to make other people's issues about themselves, let's move on to Catherine again. So Catherine says, I don't like that you're calling her scary. I mean, scary, you should not be calling an addict scary. She's an addict. Do you think Kim Richards wants to be, you know, taking all of the little arts and crafts supplies out of the Target dollar aisle? She's right, though.

She's right. She's right. She's right. She's like, she does not want to be taking unfrozen popsicles out of the dollar aisle at Target. Do you think she wants all those Smarties? Do you think she wants all those Smarties? So she's going a little too crazy defending someone she doesn't know. And everybody else is like, shut up. And Erica's over there.

She's wearing those thick glasses, but you can still see her rolling her eyes. She starts getting really condescending. She's like, it's Kyle's sister. Stop saying it. It's not nice. Catherine, that's not nice. So Catherine is going off, and finally Aileen, who's like the real digger here, is like, so

what's your deal with addiction? Because, I mean, look at you. You're going crazy. Pass the jelly, please. So then Catherine says that her father was an addict and she doesn't like labels. And I'm like, you just called your father an addict. And he killed himself when she was just 13,

which is so so sad so she goes on about that for a bit and cries and meanwhile erica so she starts uh going on about that and she's like well i think that you know just because an addict is is an addict they should still be given a second chance and a third chance and a fourth chance and a fifth chance i'm like no honey well you know kim's on chance number eight right now by the way at least that woman has had as many lives as a litter of cats. Okay? I don't think anyone's... Yeah.

And I don't think anyone's saying that... I'm sorry to interrupt you, Ronnie. But, like, I don't think anyone was saying that Kim doesn't deserve a second chance. You know? They're just saying that, like, she was acting crazy. And, you know, like, you know, the whole thing is, you know, like, when the whole reason why in the 12-step program that you're supposed to make amends and apologize or whatever is because, you know, you weren't acting yourself, and, like, it's not, it's not Lisa Rinna's fault.

I think, if I'm correct, the whole, the whole idea behind it is that it's not Lisa Rinna's fault whole the whole idea behind it is that it's not lisa renault's fault that she's has these feelings that kim is scary right because she was reacting to a different kim and that's why you're supposed to make amends because like in a like the the normal logic of an argument doesn't make sense because you're dealing with someone that's sick and so it's up to that person to say i apologize for like i was acting in a way that made you go in that place because i was sick or drunk whatever you know what i'm saying i'm like the worst therapist in the world laughing because the editors are so funny when lisa renna is like she is scary she is terrifying and then they cut to lisa renna throwing a glass who's the scary one here? You're the sober one. But yeah, I think that addiction is a reason for a lot of things, but I do not like when it's used as an excuse.

I come from a family of addiction. I've got my own ish as well. It's all over the place where I'm from and I get it. And I don't, you know, I have a Cadbury cream. Throw it down, but you don't keep, a second chance is one thing, but a second free pass is different, you know, and you don't get to do that. Now that said,

I am sick of Rinna bringing it up as well. I'm sick of hearing it. Who cares? Like some unstable drunk was mean to you at dinner. So what? Get over it, lady. You were confronting her about her addiction on national television

over and over and over. She just wants – you deserved it. You know what? She just wants some credit. That's all she wants. And honestly, enough, I want her to have that credit. I actually am waiting for her to get the credit. So I'm actually okay with her bringing it up.

I'm also okay with her bringing it up because I always think it's hilarious whenever she does. Because she's always like, well, that woman, she is like a rabid raccoon on a treadmill, okay? That's scary. I'm going to figure out who told somebody that I said something that they said that I heard from somebody else. It was chatter. It was just chatter. Over and over.

This scene does end beautifully, though, because, you know, of course everybody softens the minute somebody starts crying. They're like, okay, sorry, we're fighting. Let's just make up. But when Lisa and Kyle finally come back out kyle is inside fuming and pacing around and lisa is you know say what you want about vanderpump but she is loyal to her friends she's like follows kyle in and even though she's probably bored and wants to go to take a nap or something she's watching kyle like oh darling poor kim or whatever and then kyle's standing at the window looking outside like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. Like so confused, so mad she can't be outside.

So finally they go out because Lisa says, I think she's standing up for you, darling. Look, she's yelling. So they go outside and it's all over. And Kyle hugs the croissant that she didn't get to finish. And Lisa goes, uh-oh, people are crying, man. Alright, what did we miss? Come on, I don't want to miss things. And Erica bored as hell

still in her Siri horror voice is like, well, Catherine got really upset because her dad killed herself when he was 13, and then Rita got upset because it was scary, and then we decided the words were okay and then everything's fine, just eat your croissant. Aww. So funny. Yeah, that's pretty

much what happened. Erika's hilarious. She's evil. She is. And I stand behind that. She is. And we'll see it soon. But she's evil. But hilarious evil. Yeah. Alright, so we're gonna be here for ten hours if we keep talking about these scenes for so long. So sorry. But man, good it's a juicy episode death and uh there really

was it was a good it's a juicy episode we'll we'll go quickly over the other shows all righty so the next is erica lisa and don oh my god the early bird special double date yeah don oh oh don rickles i'm sorry i call uh erica's husband don rickles if you don't know what i mean google him i thought you were making a reference the fact that he looks sort of like don from real housewives of orange county dan he does look like don and maybe i don't know five years i was gonna say 20 years but don's no spring chicken either he actually looks exactly like a mixture of don rles and Mel Brooks. Yes, he does.

Right? As we all do, I think, once we hit 80, don't we? I think there's like three types you look like. When you're a man and you hit 80, you look like three different people. It's that or like Walter Matthau or... I don't know. Who's another one? Like what's a really skinny one? The guy from On Golden Pond.

What was his name? Henry Fonda? Yeah, Henry Fonda. So they're going on this older couple double date thing in Pasadena, which poor Ken looked like he couldn't even walk after he got out of the car. Ken does not have to sit in a car for three hours to get someplace, okay? I know. That's a long drive for those poor people. So Vanderpump gets to meet Don Rickles and see this tacky-ass mansion.

And Lisa walking through the mansion was cracking. She's like, can I have a tour, darling? Oh, look at this. Oh, there you are. It's a giant picture of you, isn't it? It's like, yeah. Oh, that's not wonderful. Is this a church, darling?

Can you build this in here? What is she doing with the church, darling? I bet she's doing a little, you know, humpty dumpty in the churchy word. Lisa's sex jokes are like so old school or hilarious. And Lisa refuses to go in the church. She's like, did you build this yourself? No, stay out here, darling.

I'll just be standing right here at the door. But the good part comes when they go to dinner at wherever, P.F. Chang's wherever. And Chaya. Erica is like a little teenager at the table trying to shock everybody at all times. Right. Remember when they got mad because I said bitching C word, my favorite words.

And then we see grumpy asshole Don Rickles. Shut up, Erica. Quiet down over there. Go to your room. Excuse me. I'm talking. Yeah. He cut her off a couple of times and just showed pure grumpy old man anger you know like a pure smile on his face and then

oh erica shut up i think it's also like lawyer like you know it's like he's he's presenting his case and he does not want to be interrupted yeah especially when his case is about how amazing Lisa Vanderpump is. Dying. That guy fell in love. Yeah. He's like, you got the looks. You got the smarts. You're hot as shit. I kind of want to fuck you right now.

You know what you're like? An alligator. I want to just put you on my shirt right above my boob. Lisa can't go to a P.F. Chang's and not order the tuna tartare. What if they have that at P.F. Chang's? Wouldn't that be funny? Yeah. I'll have the tuna tartare.

Which she literally did. She's doing some market research. I gotta see if Chef Penny's tuna tartare is up to snuff. How much parsley is on this tuna tartare? Time will tell. Do you happen to have any salmon mousse? Now Chef Penny will really see what she's up against out there. All right, what different kinds of cheese

have they turned into balls and fried? I bet they don't have a cheese empanada. Croquettes, do you have any croquettes? Not the sport. Get those sticks out of my face, darling. So she doesn't know whether she's gonna order the tuna tartare or the chicken and don's like i'll share my chicken with you well i don't know why he's talking like adrian maloof oh yeah she was on the episode too so he's offers to share the chicken and lisa's like, darling, Erica, you're going to be jealous if I share the chicken with your husband.

And Erica goes, oh, it's only the jewelry. If he shared my jewelry, I'd be upset. It's like, wow, way to make jokes about being a trophy wife at a couple's dinner, you moron. Don fell in love. And he's like, and Erica kept trying to bring up stupid Yolanda stuff. And Lisa just stays calm and says, well, Yolanda does plaster it all over the Instagrammy awards, darling. So, you know, that's why people are, you know, so excited for her. You know, they're just trying to congratulate her, darling, on her 14 disease wins.

And Erica's trying to stand up, but then Don keeps changing the subject to, well, Lisa, let me tell you, you're beautiful, you're charming. Okay, let me put it this way, and I don't mean this looks wise, but you're like an alligator on a beach just laying there,

stomach hanging out, not a care in the world. Eating deer. And then you chop someone's leg off with your bare teeth i love that in a woman you're a formidable opponent and she leans over the table and goes you find me formidable darling damn i mean this was crazy both of their spouses should be jealous because that was some that was some odd flaccid heat. No, I'm sure Ken didn't care. Ken's seen this happen a million times because he knows that his wife will just flirt with these guys, shoot them up, and she'll always come back to him.

So he likes it. Yeah, at the end of the day, Don Rickles is not going to wear matching clothes as the dog. So Ken's job is safe for a while. Alligator. You ever see Babar? You ever see those alligators in Babar? That's what you are. Just a hot Babar alligator.

Well, well, I love that book. Shut up, Babar. Dumb elephant. Shut up, you stupid drunk. By the way, you know what's funny? I think about this surprisingly more than I would like to admit. But do you ever notice how cartoon alligators are always so adorable whereas the real alligators are so disgusting like why do they make real

alligators look so adorable in cartoon well it's like a cartoon baby i mean do you see cartoon babies shitting all over people making their their house stink, ruining their life, and giving them terrible haircuts? No. But you see it in real life all the time. On TV, they're all adorable and they sing. Cartoon alligators are like one of the cutest cartoon expressions of an animal. And don't get me started on a stuffed alligator. There's a reason why Snooki loved hers.

Stuffed alligators or crocodiles are adorable. Snooki just appreciated the nice strong jaws. Now that guy can take down the dominoes, am I right? Anyway, moving on. Speaking of alligators who look more adorable on television than in real life, let's go to lunch with kyle and adrian maloof yeah fucking adrian maloof i thought it was hilarious that they were both dressed in eggplant after you told me that an eggplant emoji means a boner because neither one of those girls giving

anybody a boner you'd like walking around with an you walk you're walking around dressed like an emoji that you can't like achieve well what i love about the scene it's like what is adrian maloof doing here and then after about two minutes just well you know paul and i are working on a skincare line i'm like oh that's why she's here why would anybody buy skin cream from a woman who looks like i mean she makes your face look like hair tassels she looks like if you crashed a lava lamp onto the floor and that jill just kind of blobbed out and laid there i mean that's i ain't getting a facelift from you i would get it no i wouldn't get a facelift from her either and why is why is paul talking to her

she accused him of being uh an abuser and a child abuser two years ago. Did he forget that? Money talks, you know? Oh, Jesus. Listen, if Brandy and Joanna Krupa can bury the hatchet on a plane, I'm sure that these two could figure something out. Joanna Krupa is not burying that hatchet. No, she is not. She's going to pay her mortgage with that shit this year. Meanwhile, everyone on the plane is like, what is that smell? Tuna ta-ta! Isn't that funny? That happened right when we were about to get to the tuna ta-ta scene. Yeah, what is that smell? Tuna ta-ta. Isn't that funny?

That happened right when we were about to get to the tuna ta-ta scene. Yeah, it is funny. Joanna Krupa smells like the time that Penny was testing all the different tuna ta-tas and left a whole batch of it on the kitchen table. Oh, darling. Who brought the tuna salad into tourist class? Who did that? It's just Joanna Cooper.

Oh, Joanna. So I don't even want to go into this seat. It's Adrian selling shit and Kyle is selling shit. And of course, in Kyle's case, it's like trying to get Insta likes for her sister's addiction. Shut up about Kim already, lady who doesn't want to talk about Kim on TV anymore. Yeah. Jesus, for someone who doesn't want to talk about it anymore, she sure, like, plays that hand every single round.

Get out. God, you idiot. So then Rinna has a scene with her daughter, or her daughters, where she's reading poems written by her addict sister who died when she was i think three years old or six years old or something and that was really sad i don't have anything to say about that to you no except it felt a little bit like it was her being like no i am empathetic to addiction but you know i have a family member who died of addiction i know what i'm talking about i

was three um something interesting that she did read aloud though one line from that that she read aloud was uh it was more poetic than me because it was a poem but something about uh if i need your help i'll come to it i'll come to get it and lisa was like that is so profound because she didn't no one waited for kim to need her help she just did it i don't know it was some like profound kim thing but at the same time didn't the woman die of an overdose so i don't really think that that poetry works in this situation and i'm not even saying that to be a dick i'm just saying it in the context that it was stated it made me think oh she's talking about kim like when kim needs your help she'll ask but yeah you sometimes people don't ask for help. You know, they just go too far.

Sad. Cartoon alligators. Cartoon alligators. Cartoon alligators, darling. Adrian Malou's face. Bring back the alligator from that game that's on iOS. Who threw this bowling ball into the fireplace, darling? So, Erica is going to have, or Ericaica i guess we get to the barbecue now right

i think so i stopped taking notes at this because i got so fuming when i was writing the recap the rest of it is just like pages and pages of insults towards your lombas well my yeah i know i so it's funny because you know i don't take a lot of notes on beverly hills since you do the recap and so i let you sort of drive it but i actually was getting so intense that I was writing notes. But I don't have step-by-step notes. But all I do – so from what I remember, first of all, Erica's dog is named Tiago, which is – she named her dog after my favorite coffee shop in LA, which made me happy. But I was amused because she has her glam squad come over, her quote unquote glam squad, to make her look, you know, like whatever she's going to look like for this barbecue. And I just was like laughing at these gays because they were like, who's the fiercest bitch of them all?

It's you, Erica. And they're just like fawning over her. I was like, these sad, sad gays. fawning over her i was like these sad sad days not sad because it's erica just sad because it's like i mean their life is just is just fawning over people well it's fawning over rich people yeah fawning over people with uh blow up dolls that they can you know put hairspray on a vagina glue or whatever the hell she was spraying on herself last week and then you know they get paid to stand around and tell her how fabulous she is. And she knows it. That's why she pays them. Exactly. And they're just like, we love you.

Oh my god, you look great. You're the best. You're so wonderful. You're amazing, Erica. I'm not a caftan. That's amazing, Erica. You look fierce. Please stop saying fierce, everybody. Stop it. Let it go, okay? And then my favorite part, though, is that then when this

barbecue carnival starts and Erica's real friends show up, she's like, hi, hi, hi. And they cut to her main gay sitting on a chair alone, all sad. I was like, yep, that's what happens. That shows you where you are in the pecking order. She probably made him clock out

before that part. My friends are here. Clock out. The boss is back. So her she probably made him clock out before that my friends are here clock out the boss so um so the the funny thing is on the way to you know we have our customary scenes of the women carpooling in limos on the way to this thing and so yolanda gets in and this is where yolanda she's wearing all white of course and like oh you'll who is it who is in the car with her who is saying like i i i figured yolanda's gonna wear jeans so it was a car she's like i figured you're wearing but now you wear something i've never seen before she's like oh i just took this out of gg's closet

i'm like stop humble bragging that you and gg are the same size well that was not that was a very loose shirt it's not like like it was a fitting shirt. And Yolanda still does look fabulous. She looks fabulous. Of course, of course. She may not be able to walk, but she can still do Pilates five times a day. God damn it. She looks amazing.

But yeah, she's like, oh, this is, you know, Gigi, the famous one. Oh, let's FaceTime her right now. But she was still wearing those fucking white jeans. Still. Every day. You know, I have some white jeans and i'm gonna wear them soon so just be ready but wear them every day for years on end wash them that's not a trademark you're not mickey mouse you don't just wear the same thing every you're not a card well i mean we're talking about Yolanda. I do wear the same thing every day. So in the limo, so now, again, Yolanda is – she's mad. She's mad about Lisa Rinna, the whole situation.

And so Yolanda says – she's like, you know, she goes, I could clearly label her unstable or bipolar, but I would never do that. I was like, you're such a shady bitch. She's so shady. But she's not even, she's like that really, she's like that Charlie Brown tree. You know, the Charlie Brown Christmas tree that's like the most pathetic tree on the lot. Because she can't even give shade properly. It's like you're a goddamn tree.

You can't even give shade, woman. Because it's five seconds after she says, can't even give shade woman because it's five seconds after she says even rina saying to what munchhausen that puts it into the universe and that is not cool right well that exactly and that's why it was a lady yeah and that's why it was so ridiculous um and that's why and that's the worst but she's coming up close but that's why i was also really, like, snapping my fingers, like, yes, when Lisa Rinna was like, you know, my issue with Yolanda is that she's righteous. You know, it's not that she says this or that. It's that she's so righteous about it. I was like, yes, that's exactly the problem.

Yeah, and also Yolanda is totally full of shit. Yeah, and also Yolanda's totally full of shit. So Rinna is talking with Eileen. And Eileen, of course, a big old pot with a wooden spoon she's stirring shit in. She's like, well, I spoke with Yolanda. And she's just very upset about the Munchausen's conversation and blah, blah, blah. And starts telling her. So Rinna's getting all amped.

And then Eileen's like waiting to watch a big fight while she eats a rib sandwich. And then Kyle's ready to watch a huge fight. And Yolanda's ready to yell at somebody. So I'm like, oh, my God, this is going to be amazing. So we get to this Beverly Hillbillies party, which only somebody from Pasadena would throw. Like no one in Beverly Hills is going to throw that party. Yeah. Beverly Hillbillies.

Get it? Yeah. And meanwhile, there's like a gaggle of like hot beautiful gay guys in the pool like a petting zoo yeah like they're just like they're just like playing like like with beach balls and stuff and everyone else like all the all like the adults are just like ignoring them the only one who actually is paying any attention to any attention to them is donnie edwards who's like i kind of want to get in the pool. Oh, I wish you had. Literally. Oh, yeah.

So Erica has all these fair games set up. And I thought this was really interesting because she's pretending to be friends with Kyle and Team Kyle and this and that. But even after standing up for Kim Richards, why would you theme your party based on Target? Who does that? There's literally Targets everywhere. Then the employees all have to wear khaki dockers and red shirts like they do in Target. Who does that? There's literally Targets everywhere. Then the employees all have to wear khaki dockers and red shirts like they do in Target. Then they've got Yolanda.

I mean, this show is so crazy. They've got Yolanda throwing beanbags at cans. I'm like, Yolanda, you just broke your cans. Why are you throwing beanbags at cans? The irony on this show was killing me. I'm surprised that Yolanda did not make a big deal about the fact that this has been the first time I throw beanbag in 18 months.

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And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th.

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I think the bean bag gave me more lime. Yolanda, just on the same, just because I haven't said Yolanda's full of shit enough times in this episode, Yolanda is full of shit. She's throwing these bean bags. I'm so angry. And Erica's like, why, bitch?

I'm so angry at this munching flask and hooting horse and of an evident word is all the muncher luncheon oh you want a munchie tonchie what is this word don't even says this word a stupid word munchie cotton yeah you don't know the word munch housing and and she's she's on this whole rampage that, like, when Lisa Rinna told me about Munchausen, I thought, like, I had no idea what it was. But then when I looked it up with Daisy, my health advocate, I was like, oh, this is absolutely ridiculous. I was like, I don't know.

Have you make read this definition? Daisy read it to me. Well, glad she's earning that $200 an hour somehow. Yeah. Because that's how much that old sugar hoe cost. It's on her website. $200 an hour to read from Wikipedia. Yeah.

So Yolanda is mad. She's ready to yell at somebody. But everybody, people on this show are faker than every other show with each other. And it cracks me up every time. They're like, hi. Hi, honey. And they all kiss each other. it cracks me up every time. They're like, hi, hi, honey. And they all kiss each other. Yolanda's kissing Vanderpump.

Then Yolanda and Rinna hug and kiss. Like, hi, hi. It's like a pre-show. It's like a pre-battle, you know, kiss. Right. And then Yolanda comes over to Eileen and Kyle and Rinna, I think, who were talking on these sun chair things. She comes over and she's like hello and then kyle's like whoa i'm really hungry anybody else hungry yeah okay

yolanda's like oh me too i love to eat which is such a lie so she gets up and files kyle because that bitch is too scared to have a confrontation without somebody there fighting for her she's always been like that and she's not going to do it in this episode. So Eileen gives her this look like, get a load of that bitch. Which was hilarious. Did you catch that look? Yes. Died. Love it.

So Ren is like, well, I'm not hungry yet. Which way to combat those rumors. No, I will not eat with everybody else. But I do need to talk to Yolanda. Eileen's like, yeah, you probably should. Do it now. Go do it. Go do it. What were you going to say?

No, I'm just saying Eileen is having a great time. Lately, she's just like, yeah, you should say something. Say something. Go for it. So Rinna goes over to the picnic table and she says, Yolanda, I think we should have a talk. Or do you want to talk? Okay, then why don't we have everybody come over to talk?

Erica, come over here to talk. Meanwhile, one of my favorite parts is when the camera cuts over to Ken and Donnie sitting on lawn chairs. Ken is bored out of his mind as Donnie is saying, I'm not a fan. I'm a player. That's all he says And Ken's like yes yes yes My life's an alligator Terry you're dressing like your dog

I have no interest in you Alright we have nothing in common Just quiet over there Donnie Boo Ken's like flesh room being the pool I'll be cleaning the side of the pools while lisa talks to her friends all right so uh yolanda calls back calls for backup and the erica cops show up and erica has these big dicks in the middle of the table erica kills me she's everything in her house is dick shaped so she's got these big dick things in the middle of the table.

I don't know why I wrote that down. So Yolanda is like, oh, you want to talk? Okay. And then Lisa starts in typical Lisa fashion. Yolanda, I just wanted to say, first of all, we all love you. We love you so much. All we want is for you to get better. Yum, yum, yum.

Goodness in your tum. That's what we want, for you to get better. Yum, yum, yum. Goodness in your tongue. That's what we want, okay, Yolanda? Okay, baby. I mean, the amount of love that we have for you is scary. We're like lunatics of love for you right now. It's scary. I've been around a long time, baby. I've seen a lot of love, okay? Like, I remember partying in 1991

at the older sister from Alf's house, and we were talking about yolanda hadid and we're like we love her okay it's crazy we are so in love with you if it was summer you wouldn't even know it because you are surrounded by fans right now okay and we're all turned on for you baby own it own our love this is like hey baby this is like the worst tennis game in the history of tennis it's just all love okay baby and yolanda's sitting there creasing her brown eye shadowed her sick makeup face at rena like oh yes do telling me and so rena just keeps blabbing on and on and then she goes now i don't understand why i went all the way to your home and spoke with you and told you and then you got mad after why were you mad after i already talked to you baby

i talked to you baby it was scary how much I talked to you. I was like a lunatic. So Yolanda's, what did she say? She's like, I just want an explanation. She goes, oh, really? Oh, really? You need explanation from me, eh? Oh, get a load of this chicken, eh?

You need explanation. Why should I be the one to explain myself when you're the one who said the most apologies? No, because what Lisa Rinna was saying was, you know, I thought everything was fine, and then you go tell other people that you have an issue with me, and I wish you would have called me

to, you know, tell me what your issue is. Oh, no, I have to call you. I have to call you. I have to call you. Yolanda was, by the way, totally deranged and bonkers during this entire fight. She was not listening to anything. She was doing that annoying thing where you hear like a scrap of something

and then just take it and run with it without the context of the rest of the sentence. And I mean, this is what she learned from Brandy. Because all of a sudden she's like, any inroads that she can make, anything she can hang on to, to just use it as an attack, she would. She's like, oh, the labeling. Now you're labeling me now. Now you're labeling me.

Jeez, no one's labeling you. She's like, sorry is not enough. You know, that's what Brandy did. She would just say sorry, and then she'd just do something to be like, sorry. I'm like, this is 100% different than Brandy. Like, what are you talking about this woman went made a trip to your home to apologize to you and made a whole thing of it no not enough her entire storyline has been saying sorry yeah like that's literally been her whole storyline this year yeah yeah i just i wrote my original title for the recap was, aren't you kidding me? Because I just died when she said that.

Aren't you kidding me? And she kept saying, sorry is not enough. You know, for someone who's married to a multiple Grammy winner and brags about knowing everybody in the music industry, you'd think this bitch had melt Elton John at least one time. I mean, sorry seems to be the hardest word, Yolanda. Okay, it's not easy. She's like, this is not enough. This is yolanda okay it's not easy she's like this is

not enough yes this is not hard work it is easy you know what is hard picking up a phone this is hard you want me to pick up phone and then my arm fall off arm lime phone lime and when she starts doing that annoying reality show trope about the labeling now you're labeling that's what you do that's what you label you label and she labels you can't label i mean maybe it's because you're labeling. That's what you do. That's what you label. You label in G-labels. You can't label. I mean, maybe it's because you're bipolar. Maybe that's why. But you're labeling. You are double labels. You are so confusing on labeling, nobody knows how much coffee costs.

I don't understand calories and calories from fat, okay? Your labels make no sense to me. So Catherine talks labels for her entire scene. Yolanda's talking labels for her entire scene. Yolanda's talking labels for her entire scene. All these people obsessed over on this entire show are labels, and now they're offended by labels. The flimsiest thing in reality show history is when people talk about labels. I still don't understand what the problem is. Like, you're labeling, you're labeling.

Yolanda gave me the, almost gave us the biggest present when she was like, do you want me to read what munchin' flouters are? I look them up on the internets. And I was like, please read anything. I don't even care what you read. You can read a Valpak. You can read an entire phone book. I don't care. Read something, please.

I need to laugh. So she puts on her, and everyone's like, no, Yolanda, no one thinks you have it. Yes, yes, you do. Okay, here's what much flatters are. They are rolled tacos

that are occasionally dipped in the sour cream and the salsa while you eat them. Who says this about someone's children? Yeah, she's like, wait, now hold on one moment. I just got to Google alert about Gigi. She's doing something amazing Hold on one moment I just got Google alert About Gigi

She's doing Something amazing Everyone come look At her Wait no don't Munchausen I'm gonna read About this

So anyway The other Other one Was saying How she's dating The weekend No no no I'm off topic

Munchausen So Anyway But then she's So then she reads Like the worst Definition of all time It's like

You know When you have Been abusing Your children How could you say I've been abusing my children? They're like, no. She was reading Munchausen by proxy, which is not what anybody accused her of. The word that was brought up was Munchausen.

Munchausen by proxy is when you purposely make your children sick so you can get attention, which I don't think her children are sick either. No, but she's. You've never made anybody sick. These Munchausen terms are so stupid because none of them fit. But yeah, but she's but then she kept on saying that Lisa accused her of having Munchausen. Lisa was like, no, I'm just saying that someone was

saying it and I engaged and I felt bad. And she's like, you accused me. You accused me of Munchausen. And she's like, no, I did not. She's like, oh, so now you're just a messenger? She's like, yes. Oh, guess who just a messenger? She's like, yes. Oh, guess who I last shot? A post person. Okay?

That's just who's dead. You know who else is a Munchausen? A chick for lime. Messenger, I mean. You said I was one of those little tiny people in the beginning of The Wizard of Oz. How dare you? So she's reading Munchausen by by proxy and everybody at the table goes no no no like at one time because she's so wrong yeah and then the only one she looks at is

vanderpump of course because it always comes back to vanderpump she's been trying this shit since day one bitch you are not gonna bring vanderpump down stop trying okay so she she tries again she goes how dare you stand up for this woman against your homies you're a moron yeah it's like darling look no one's saying that look if you want us to be honest what people are saying are that that inconsistency is darling i mean one minute last year you throw a party around Beverly Hills where we have to run for an entire day and then you say you haven't run for three years. And Yolanda's answer is

oh, you know why I did that? Because every day, I hope it's the day that I can walk again. I'm like, are you kidding? Now you're still saying you can't walk? Who rolled your ass in here? That was, to me, that was the craziest thing. And Lisa's like, I mean, Lisa Vanderpump is like, no, but like, don't you understand that, like, we're happy that you were able to run around.

And we had a fun time at that party. But when you say you haven't walked in a year, do you see why that makes people say these things? And she's like, well, I put that out there. I want people to talk about it. Well, then they're talking about it, but not my friends. Jesus. So self-serving and delusional. You know that day was the first time

I had a jelly belly in 20 years, okay? Oh, shut up. Yolanda. Yolanda. We just saw you have a jelly belly. Well, I had a jelly belly because every day I wake up hoping I can have a jelly belly. But then Daisy says no. So I don't.

It's been nine years since I had a rib. We just saw you eat a rib. No, you didn't. Stop calling me child poisoner. Oh, my God. And then Erica starts screaming at Lisa Rinna. She's like, who told you? Who told you?

She's screaming. The gays in the pool are scandalized. Like, oh my god. Oh my god, Eric is docking someone's pay, you guys. Oh my god, that's fierce. Okay, let's hide underwater and see if we can hear each other talk. It's just so funny, like, the way the gays are portrayed in this scene. They're just like,

they truly are portrayed as these, like, young, like, Midsummer night's dream spirits. And it's like, oh no, the gays are sad. It's like those fairies in, the fairies in like story tales where like some sad princess goes into the forest and then there's all these fairies around her in the trees.

Like, you okay, hon? You okay, hon? You're fabulous,erella um so those gays were hilarious also those bodies i mean jesus yeah i know those bodies amazing stunning stunning boys how do you even do that i mean how much do you have those washboard apps you could

really clean clothes on those those are those are legit why why do i keep eating these cadbury cream eggs i want to be like the gays in the pool you know i make fun of them just because i want to be them oh i don't necessarily want to be them i do want to fuck them i don't need to be that though i do not enjoy working out and there's no way i'm working out that much that's insane but you guys are hot i hope a lot of people masturbate to you good job over there good job have fun honey so um yeah erica's trying to get lisa to say who was the one starting this chatter in the to you. Good job over there. Good job. Have fun, honey. So, um, yeah, Erica's trying to get Lisa to say who was the one starting this chatter in the

first place, and Rinna's like, it's not fair, okay? Because they're not here, so I can't do that. It's not fair. And Erica goes, fuck you! Fuck it! Yeah, and I love, by the way, these women are the biggest advocates of, like, how could you be talking about me behind my back when I wasn't there to defend it?

When I wasn't there to defend it, then now they're like, oh, no, say it. Outer. Outer. If anybody had told Yolanda, fuck you, we'd still be hearing about it. Oh, this disgusting woman who made cuss word at me. Oh, this. Women should not speak like this. But now that it's, like, one of her attack dogs, she's always fine with a fuck you coming from someone else.

Yolanda's like, I can't believe she told Gigi to fuck herself. No one said that. No, when you speak to me, you speak to Gigi. And the other one, and the other one. So they're all basically yelling at Yolanda in a nice way, like, darling, no one thinks this of you, just stop it

already. And then nothing's resolved. Rinna looks like she's just gonna go drown herself and then eileen goes guys you know what we need well i think we all just need a hug at the end of the day i think that we need to stand up and say let's let it go and give each other a hug like okay they all get up and hug yeah because they all they agree that from now on they're everyone's you know they have one of these like faux resolutions we're like listen we all love you yolanda and we all want to support you and you know we're sorry for this it's unconditional love from this point on now let's hug lisa and it's like i love what lisa and the

confessional is like it's like a band-aid and blood's going everywhere. I mean, it's scary. There's blood everywhere, baby. And then they cut to her in real life and she's like, I don't want to let go. I just don't want to let go. I'm like, oh, you're so fake. But I love it. I love her fakery. You know, there's some people when they're fake.

Under the rug, you know? And it's like if I had eaten a piece of bread. I feel like I'm bleeding inside, okay? I'm bleeding inside. My stomach's going to fall out. I'm going to die. And that person is sick. And so is Yolanda.

I'm like, oh my God, never letting anything go ever. Well, I, for some reason, you know, there's some people on reality TV when they're fake. I'm like, fuck them. They're so fake. I hate them. Drives me nuts. And there's some people when they're fake. I think it's the funniest thing ever.

And Lisa, when she's fake, I'm like, I just crack up. I love it. I think it's funny because Lisa isisa when she's fake i'm like i just crack up i i love it i think it's funny because lisa is fake until she's not and then she's throwing a glass and trying to strangle the turkey yeah well that's that's good when west valley is for you even though she's morgan okay so moving on why don't we do our beverly hills palette cleanser known as Newlyweds the first year. You need a haircut. Do I need a haircut?

I do. You do. But you like when I'm dirty. I do like when you're dirty. I'm dirty. You're dirty. Oh, Brandon. I don't understand the iCal. Why is it empty? Keep on looking. I see numbers. Those are the dates. Oh, Brandon. I donon uh what's what i don't

understand what's happening look just look closer it says new york what's happening is new york coming here no no we're going to new york brandon and guess what what crystal's gonna be there too crystal oh my god, Crystal! Crystal's gonna be in New York! You know what's funny? I always call Crystal my Big Apple. He just goes running out of the apartment in his leopard-skin undies.

Crystal's gonna be in New York! I'm gonna see Crystal, everybody! I'm gonna stand on the top of the Empire State Building and just shout Crystal! The tide is high but I'm holding on. I'm gonna be

Crystal's number one. Number one. That show was hilarious. those two are so funny I love them they are really adorable Brandon you've never seen me

sing or dance before and I was on Broadway he's like yeah you were on Broadway and I've never even seen you sing or dance these two are like just the yes couple

they're not even yes and they're just yes yes yes yes yes yes yes just repeat repeat repeat oh yeah so the the big story with brandon brandon and craig is that they um they went to new york city to celebrate oh because it was because craig because craig showed a modicum of responsibility and taking care of brandon brandon rewarded him with a trip to New York so they could go to Broadway and stuff,

and, you know, all that fun stuff, which is nice. And, of course, Crystal. Remember how you left the stove on when I was dying on the couch? Well, it could have set the house on fire, but it ended up keeping me warm at night, so I'm taking you to New York. You know, it was so nice when you got me that throat pillow to put behind my back. So in return, I'm going to take it to New York. So they go to New York and then like Craig is, by the way, the haircut looked great.

I want to say the haircut looked great. But so Brandon's bringing Craig all around or Craig's bringing Brandon all around. He's like, see that door? That was the door I used to walk out of. And oh, there's that diner. And that diner was that time where I saw Nora Ephron walking by in the window. Oh, look over there.

I once saw Deborah Messing over by that bus stop. It's like a who's who and what's what of 47th Street. Every time I see a horse, I think of these horses carrying people around in the streets. Brandon, now you see it. This is the curb where I used to always catch a taxi from. Sometimes, if my nuts

feel really small, I would stand on these grates and just let the subway air come up and warm them, and they drop every time, Brandon. You know who loves this block? Crystal. Oh my god. Crystal and I used to always walk up this block. Oh, and you know who loves this block? Crystal also. She loves both of these blocks. Wait, wait used to always walk up this block. Oh, and you know who loves this block?

Crystal also. She loves both of these blocks. Wait, wait. Let's go to this block. This is also Crystal's favorite. I'm always like, Crystal, which side of the street do you like more, this side or that side? And she's like, I don't know. And we just laugh and laugh and laugh.

Oh, my God. Look, Brandon, it's my favorite store, the Swarovski Crystal Store. Let's go in. Let's go in and take a picture for Crystal. You know what my favorite theater is? The Winter Garden Theater because it makes me think of all the crystals in winter time.

I once saw cats there and all I could think the whole time was, wow, cats go in litter and litter has flavor crystals. Brandon! Hey, Brandon, do you mind just waiting here for about three hours chris and i are gonna go see les mis we'll be right back oh so funny we were talking about uh his broadway career and they showed pictures wow gorge they're

showing pictures of him and mama mia which no offense i know he's done a lot of broadway shows but for them to mention that one mama mia had i think 500 people in it okay yeah frankie frankie grande was in mama mia so let's just put the context but craig

had a legit role and he's like i was in the rocky the rocky horse he could have done that too he could have been rocket oh he could have been Craig had a legit role. And he's like, I was in The Rocky Horse. He could have done that, too. He could have been Rocket. He could have been Rocket. But he was talking about Mamma Mia, and he's like, oh, look at me. Gosh, I was such a homo back then. I mean, I was so gay.

And I loved being a big homo. It was so fun to be a big homo. I'm like, when did that stop? Who told you that you stopped being a big homo? He'm like, when did that stop? Who told you that you stopped? He's like, it's so hard being so butch now. Brandon, aren't you sick of me being so butch? It's like Dorothy clicking her heels three times when she's already standing in the middle of her living room. Like, you're at homo, homo.

Oh, Craig. But, you know, it's like you can't help but love craig when they show that footage of him like running up and running down running can and he comes running back like a big happy golden retriever you're like oh he's like look i got a stick i was scared to crystal crystal do you like my stick he's like he's like wait a second brandon why i thought crystals with a stick what are you doing here so they were cute let's get on facetime and show crystal the stick i got her so they go see so brandon performs in some cabaret who was the guy in birdland uh i don't know but but Richard Kind was there.

But you know what, though? Craig could really sing, and he was really good. And it actually makes me say, Craig, why did you leave Broadway? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I guess people come to L.A. to make the money, you know? You go on Broadway for the love, and then you come to L.A. for the money. But yeah, he made a cute little song where he was like, thank you, Brandon, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. for the love and then you come to LA for the money. He made a cute little song where he was like, thank you, Brandon, etc.

I used to like it when everyone would clap for me, but now I only care about Brandon. I'm sorry, did I say Brandon? I meant Crystal! I love when Crystal claps for me. And that guy next to her, too. That guy. They're both really cute. So that was their whole thing they are just basically like happy and being happy together yeah it's weird on this show because the other couples not so much

let's talk let's which one do you want next i'm i'm scrolling through okay let's go to don the most let's i want to work our way up to Rob and Persian wife. So let's do Adonis and Erika. Luckily, we didn't get to see much of them. But there was one scene where they have couple cam, and Adonis was holding that freaking camera right up to his face. You could see every individual pube on his chin. It was so disgusting

he's like oh now i'm here with eric i can't do anything right so turns out so i had i left for like two and a half hours because i went to the chiropractor and then i went to the car wash and then i lost my phone and uh you know that i was looking for five hours all over phoenix can we talk about what a liar he is? This guy, what a slime bag, okay? First of all, this girl's an idiot and deserves what she gets, okay? Yeah, she deserves it. No one deserves to be cheated on except for this girl.

This girl literally deserves it. She's an idiot. So she marries this fool, even after finding out he slept with 14 Brazilian hookers, like, the night before their wedding or some shit. She still marries him so now she's she's like i'm alone because don is like he just like he just like disappears and i'm like calling him and then he won't answer his phone and i'm like so mad at him like why won't he answer the phone who's the woman who always answers and is like leave a message like who is she like i don't know like you have to tell me who these people are in your life adonis

who is that computer lady you're dating like why do you never do your voicemail i'm your wife yeah like like you have another mailbox this is like we're supposed to be all together adonis like how do you have two mailboxes like Like, this is your home. So, he's off somewhere, not telling her where, not picking up the phone, so he comes home and they have to do the couple cam, because I guess people on this show get tired. Even the cameramen are like, we cannot stay

in this generic Phoenix house any longer. Just, here's an iPhone. Just do the work yourself. We can't stay in a home where someone leaves their purse on the floor by the front door. we're out of here we are sick of eating cucumbers so he's saying yeah well you know she just doesn't trust me she's like yeah because you keep saying you're going somewhere and i don't know where you are so they have this thing on the couple camp so what you said earlier he's saying well i just babe I just went to the chiropractor. And then, you know, after that.

Poor chiropractor, by the way. Poor chiropractor. You know, maybe I'll go to the car wash, I guess. So, like, I went to the car wash. And he's such a liar. He's obviously lying. And then this idiot goes, he's not dependable. And, you know, it makes me think maybe i can adopt my dying sister's child now

because like he's gross i'm like oh really now who's talking about being dependable yeah exactly sister who's dying and tell her you can't take her kid now because you're having a bad day in your relationship yeah please my god no you should be adopting that kid regardless of whether adonis is in or out of the picture in fact if adonis is out of the picture it's even better reason to adopt the kid because it's worse with adonis there but but also they have like this terrible situation too where because like you know this marriage is fucked because now she doesn't trust him so as a result she's calling him non-stop to make to make sure that he's not cheating which is fucked like that's not how you have a relationship you know she's like if you want to go to car wash

it's fine you just have to tell me i'll be like cool car wash yeah that was weird she's like yeah but if you're gonna get yeah check in you know like maybe we can start a google doc and then you can update it wherever you go somewhere and it'll ding me and then i'll see that you've made an edit okay so that that was weird but i will say that a woman's intuition is not really wrong yeah usually and this guy is not doing himself any favors you don't need obviously cheating well he when it comes to this guy you don't need a woman's intuition you could have like a porcupine's intuition and you guys see this guy's a disaster okay he is obviously cheating he is a low-life schmuck yeah he's obviously cheating because not only that first scene but then he goes to see his grandma and he's like well grandma's always telling me the you know how it is i mean sometimes she'll

curse me out but at least she's real like you're an idiot so his grandma's like hey she's like pearl from 227 she's like hey uh so they start talking and he's saying how he's you know his wife's always being mean to him and he's like like last night for example you know i was at work and so i turned my phone on vibrate and so she couldn't get a hold of me between the hours of 9 and 12 you fucking liar you didn't check your phone for three hours and what are you doing at work from 9 to 12 what sort of work do you do don't you work from home 9 to 12 at night she can't get a hold of him because he's working you like he is the worst liar and she's still an idiot she is he

brings her flowers and she's like you brought me flowers oh my god my God, Adonis. Oh, my God. And then he's like, you look beautiful tonight. You look really wonderful. Here, I made dinner. I made some pastaroni. Here, you want to have some? Wait a second. You're being too nice.

Why are you saying such nice things to me, Adonis? And he's like, well, I can't be nice. I love my wife. You're never like this. You're too nice. And the chief leaves because he's too nice. You're never like this. You're too nice.

And the chief leaves because he's too nice. So, again, further example of why their marriage was screwed up. Because if he truly was just being nice, then she just doesn't even trust his niceness anymore. So they just can't have a functional relationship. They should just both just go away. Just drive in opposite directions and just never show up again in pop culture. Every wife with a philandering husband knows. If that fucker comes home with flowers,

you better check behind his ears for the smell of pussy. Yeah, that's right. I don't know why he's sticking his ear in a pussy, but hey, do it. Just check behind the ears, okay? Mix your mom advice with your wife advice and get it done. He's full of shit. So then we go on to Rob and Ro. So first what happens is that rose mom comes to visit and they talk about rose visit with her dad and rose

mom starts crying you know it's nice it's like sort of generic scene it was fine and then um the thing with roe this week is that she's been interviewing and she's really excited because she's like you know she has her job and she's and she's got interviewing and then she gets her job she actually gets an offer and she's like i you know, she has her job and she's interviewing. And then she gets her job. She actually gets an offer. And she's like, I'm ready to celebrate. And he's like, Rob's like, what's there to celebrate? You didn't even talk to me about it.

You didn't even confer with me. Like, I don't understand. Like, this is our life. You can't just do that. And he's just, like, going off, which was so obnoxious because she's, like, ready to celebrate. And he's like, I'm just going to do my music. So she's pissed. because she's like ready to celebrate and he's like i'm just gonna do my music so she's pissed and i was like been giving her shit about getting you know changing her job and making herself happy

and this and that so she does and he's like you have to consult with me i'm your husband yeah and i was like really upset because i was like you know because i think he's like adorable and i like him actually i'm like oh why are you being like this you're gonna like totally undermine all my praise of you. But ultimately, though, it actually turned out to be a productive argument. Because she was like, hey, wait a second. You're always coming at me. But what's your plan?

You're the one who hates your job. What do you want to be? You want to be a partner in five years? I don't think so. You say you want to do music. You're not doing any music. What do you want to do? What do you want to do?

And he's like, I don't know and she's like aha and he's like oh so well well she actually says like you like you're just projecting your own like confusion about your future onto me and you're taking it on me because you're you know all this now he's like yeah i guess so and then they come to realize that basically they both are creative types. They want to be doing creative, exciting things with their lives. But they're stuck in, like, traditional mundane office jobs. And they're both miserable. And I actually sort of like that.

I thought it was, like, a nice relatable experience, a thing that they got to. So I was like, oh. By the end, yeah. But I cannot watch them bicker and bicker and they're so i hate couples like that i don't want to be around them i don't want them on my tv both you shut the fuck up and stop fighting in front of me i hate it yeah no the the fighting is getting annoying but at least their fighting led to a greater understanding of something instead of like a fake lisa yolanda hug you know yeah well that's true

but um so now let's get to the real the real story of the episode captain douchebag and remodel okay so rob and whatever her name is i forget her name persian princess i don't even care um i can't remember anyone's names on this show But whatever Rochelle I think Is her name Rochelle? No that's no Rochelle is Robin Rowe

So this is Robin Persian princess You're making more of an effort to remember her name Than her own husband does So Sorry I have to like respond In a text. She's like, isn't this so great?

I feel so fancy. Feed me some grapes right now. And he goes, sometimes I don't even know where you come up with this stuff. This is like a perfect explanation of how stupid these people are. Yeah, so basically they're in a basement of their contractor. So they've had to move out because they can't stay in their home they're in some strange themed like alice in wonderland basement where the walls are like checkerboard diamonds and it's just really one of the tackiest gaudiest basements i've ever seen so there and rob is complaining as usual he's like

i don't like being displaced i feel like i'm not in my comfort zone and you know he's like making fun of her for having ocd but he's the one who has the real issues here i mean she's just she's just straightening things out he's the one who's like i'm in a different bed so so yeah he just he's control freak i don't even know that he's ocd he just needs to control every single little thing including her so she's upset know that he's OCD. He just needs to control every single little thing, including her. So she's upset now, and he's not having sex with her because he's upset. And then that, of course, ruins her life because her whole personality is built on sex. All they have is sex.

That's all that they have. That's all they have. So she's upset, and then she tells us, oh, I'm so sad because, you you know now i can't live my dream of just always being around my family all the time which is such bullshit like this girl has been trying to get away from her family forever which is why she married somebody who's fighting her family for her her own battles right and then she's calling her mom and she's like oh i've been wanting to call her for so long no you have not okay you can't be a bitch to everybody and then just suddenly call because you need somebody to talk to now. You little brat.

God. Well, I think that really what happened was that she rebelled against her family. And now that she doesn't have her family, she realizes, like, that she misses them. And she was realizing how good she had it. So now she's, like now she's like she's trying to reconnect with her family and she's now she's sad because she's like well with this renovation they're putting in all this time and effort and money in this renovation and like she can't even have her family over to enjoy it so then this gets in so then rob and this lady get into a whole discussion slash

fight about how she's like that basically her family's not welcome in the house and he once again is like well you know they went out of their way to not make me welcome when we first started dating and even she's like well of course because i mean basically she's like i had an affair and like you were seen as a guy who like tempted me away from my husband she didn't say that but yeah and he still will not like budge on this she's like well rob holds a grudge forever i'm like that's not a grudge he is just obstinate he is just an asshole like he has to realize man he has to realize what like how he was perceived coming in and it's not like up to like it's not up to the family to come to him it's up to him to make an impression on the family okay all he's mad about is that she spent money she was buying him them groceries secretly

and he's like why would you be buying them groceries that's not cool it's like he doesn't understand the persian culture yeah duh he hasn't wanted to be part of it from day one exactly he even says so terrible and awful and stupid and he's like he's like this is why i don't like the persian culture he's like i just don't like the persian culture i don't like it i'm like you married married a Persian girl. Like, you can't take her out of her culture. I'm sorry. It's just, and, you know, and here she is buying groceries. And he's like, it's not that you bought groceries.

It's that you lied about it. I'm like, no, you're mad that she spent the money on groceries. Yeah, all he mentions is money. When he said, it's not the money. He said something almost exactly this. I didn't write it down, but I almost barked when he said it. He said, it's not about the money. It's about the morality of marriage.

And I almost died laughing. You idiot. You fucking stole her away when she was four months married and had an affair. And you're on your third wife. Please do not lecture her or anybody on the morality of marriage. do not lecture exactly or anybody on the morality of marriage spending thousands of dollars on thousands of dollars on a renovation and all your your malibu house and whatever goes into the surfing and this on oh the honeymoon friend and the honeymoon real estate agents yeah you see john oh yeah i've seen so many of these houses like matthew matthew perry and his friend goes oh whoa matthew perry that's a rocking dude

so douchey and so and then and here this woman is buying groceries for her family and he's you're not allowed to buy groceries for her and she's like well i i mean she made a good point she's like well i didn't tell you about it because i knew you'd be mad it's like i mean i understand that of course because he's a control freak and now he's mad at her that she's loud because if she said i'm gonna buy groceries you'd be like no you're not allowed to well you know so then doing it because she stopped working so she can be a princess and she can be taken care of from his money so she doesn't have her own money to buy shit it's all his exactly but the fact that yeah it's it's so above and beyond ridiculous but

but i really i thought it was really offensive when he was talking about Persian culture. Listen, we've made fun of Persian culture a million times and talking about the Shah's of Sunset. But we have enough respect to be like, well, but that's the culture. You know, the culture is the culture. And he is, I mean, he literally is like, this is what I don't like about the Persian. What was even his, why did he even say,

this is what I don't like about Persian culture? Was it like the leeching or whatever? What he what did he say what was do you remember what his reasoning was all of it he doesn't like that she's supposed to take care of her parents he doesn't like that she's supposed to be close with her parents that they're supposed to go over there every week blah blah blah and the mom's mean to him and the sisters didn't come to the wedding and this and that but none of it's his fault i mean the man who had strippers at the wedding just to offend the parents i mean literally he did that so whatever these two i don't even want to waste another breath on i hate them they're terrible but he is he's awful though he is absolutely

terrible she is too though she's bad but i'm saying that she is the worst argued she's like but why are you being mean i mean okay she does this little girl whiny voice. And it just shows how fucked up their dynamic is, that he's the dad and she's the daughter. I mean, she has daddy issues. It can all be traced back to her dad, actually. But I don't know. They're two terrible people, but he, I think, is worse.

I think he is the worst one in the situation because she may be manipulative, but, I mean, you know, I just think it's so terrible that he is. He really is building a wall between her and her family. Like he is. He is actively trying to separate her out of them. And that is so. It's just it's just gross.

Yeah, it's gross. They're gross. Who does? Who does that? Let's move on to something else that people who does okay so let's move on to other evil people vanderpump rules vanderpump rules Wow. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. The opening song. We were meant to be beautiful. Sorry, that failed. I love how this show is talking about how beautiful they all are.

No. Yeah. Please stop. This is not an Abercrombie ad. This is maybe a JCPenney back of the Sunday, you know, coupon section of the newspaper. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Lala is having a housewarming party.

Even the Danny has already lived here with me for six months. Did you recognize our waitress, Danny? Yeah, that was our waitress. Of course I recognized her. Yeah. And I was like, why don't you start some shit and like be a lead on the show? And she's like, I don't want to be on the show. Not into it.

And here she was. Living with Lala. Well, well she's always on she always pops up once or twice a season so um so so uh they're talking about uh stassi coming over because it was stassi's former apartment and lala is like excited i was like the first time i met stassi schroeder we're in vegas we're at like something and she came in the elevator and she was like i love your outfit and it was like to have someone who's older than me tell me that they like my outfit really meant a lot oh snap i know but lala doesn't even do it in the vanderpump way she really means it yeah she's like wow somebody older in la they were like stop i mean whoa that was something i knew i had a career modeling spandex on amazon for that moment on it's such a privilege to be younger than stassi

uh stassi and kristin go to this party and stassi's like i mean look at it like here i am like i'm sleeping on the couch of the person who fucked my boyfriend and now i'm in my old apartment that this new slut has like it's just one big sir family not yet yeah um yeah stassi uh she was she her apology tour continues and she was poor stassi i feel i i actually feel bad for her i don't want to fat shame her, but since I know that her appearance means so much to her, I just feel bad that, that she's gotten a little chunky and she's wearing these old lady outfits to

try to cover it up. I just kind of feel a little sad. You do. I don't, I mean, I don't really notice that much difference in her except like year to year and more mom clothes. Yeah.

The, the, the granny clothes in fact i like that people keep calling it her apology to her but she never really apologizes she just says look here's what i do i cut people off okay that's how i cope when they hurt me so bad or they make me so mad what i do is i like seriously literally like cut them literally off okay so that's what I do I'm like so you're sorry or so it's their

fault for being so awful that you had to cut them off and now you're trying to find a better way of dealing with them who are the awful ones is that what you're saying love it so meanwhile Jax is talking about um all the

money he's had to spend oh because i guess he goes back into work or whatever and he's talking about oh the sunglasses and and all the money that he's been spent that he has to spend for the bills with all the legal bills etc etc and he's like this is an expensive lesson to learn i was like yeah but did you learn a lesson though did you learn a lesson or is it just an expensive lesson to learn. I was like, yeah, but did you learn a lesson, though? Did you learn a lesson, or is it just an expensive moment in your life? It's expensive for Brittany, who's been making the tip money, because you know his ass doesn't have a savings account, and you know he hasn't paid Vanderpump either at the $10,000 he owes her, so whatever.

Yeah. He's such a liar, and Vanderpump's like, darling, I just, I don't think you're an awful person. I just think you're an awful human. Or whatever she said. You're just very disgusting. That's all. Darling, I don't throw up into a toilet when I see you.

I throw up on the inside. And that's what hurts the most. I was like, well, Lisa, you know, look, here's what I got to say. I'm sorry. And like, I'm going to do better. Everything an addict says over and over i've learned my lesson always a goddamn lie every time and she's like well think about the others wait what did she say why did i say think about the others not vaginas i don't know why i wrote

that oh because she's like don't you remember those poor children who came in here death i want you to start thinking about other people and not just yourself, darling. Think about other people, not just their boobs and vaginas, but the actual things that they need. He's like, my dick. No, Jax. Ken's pink shirt. All right. Now, I want you to help fold Ken's shirt.

And he's like, okay, I'll give back folding. Stupid. So they're all going to, the other gang is getting ready to go into this party. Yeah. And Tom and Ariana. Tom has giant hoops. Ariana's that girl who sits at a party that no matter if every, no matter if the Queen of England was there. I mean, that's a boring person too. I'm trying to think of someone fun.

Like it could be the most fun party in the world, but she's still sitting there looking like ugh. She's like leaned back on the chair like this sucks. She would only like it if it's like an ironic kids party, like her birthday party. She's like, oh my god, look, it's an oversized lolly. How hilarious is this? She's like, where's the

bouncy house? Fuck this party. Oh my god, face painting. I love it. It's like a throwback. It's like my last little girl party. Ariana, I mean not Ariana. Stassi is sitting with her soul twin, Christina. Who does that? Who sits at a table? Oh my god, this is so awkward. It's so awkward.

I mean, how awkward is this? I can't believe how awkward this is. I mean, get up. No, don't get up. You can't get up. Look at everybody over there. Like, we're just sitting here and they're over there. Oh my god Awkward Awkward Should we stand up? No

How about we crouch? Okay let's crouch Oh my god My knees are totally hurting I hate this so much It's so awkward for my knees Oh my god What do we do?

Should we get a shot? No Don't leave me Okay I'm gonna stay here How do we get a shot? Do you have ESP? Okay let's get the shot Over here using ESP

Oh my god I think ESP is when you read The shot's mind What? Oh my god So how do we move it like Carrie? Who's Carrie? I don't know. She's like a bitch. Oh, I hate her. She's so awkward.

I did get her though because my mom's a bitch too. Yeah, I totally get it. I would totally love to pour pig's blood on everyone in this party. Like I hate them all. But oh my god, that's how I cope. I just pour pig's blood on people. But if I locked all the doors, I'd be stuck in here with them. Yeah. Let's do

shots of pig's blood. Oh my god, that's such a great idea. Let's go get them. No be stuck in here with them. Let's do shots of pig's blood. Oh, my God. That's such a great idea. Let's go get them. No, wait. They're in there. Let's just stand here. I'm going to make eye contact with them until the pig's blood falls on their face. Oh, my God.

Great idea. Stupid Stassi talking about how awkward it is but making no effort. And then she's like, I know how to make it less awkward. Shot. And then Christina, shot. So they go get these tiny red cups, which I love. I've never seen the tiny red flip cups. Yeah, those are like shots.

Yeah, they're a thing now. They're cute. So they take the shots over, and then they walk back and sit alone in the kitchen again. Well, even before the shots, when Tom walks by, he just fully ignores Stassi. She's like, I'm going to throw up. Oh, my God. So awkward. Here's an icebreaker.

He's like, thanks. Great. Let's go back to the throw up. Oh, my God. So awkward. Like, here's an icebreaker. He's like, thanks. Great. Let's go back to the roundtable. Oh, my God. I fucked Jack so many times on this roundtable. Oh, my God. That's so awkward. So Shannon and Shay are coming.

And she's like, I don't run away from that girl, okay? I'm not scared. So she's like, whatever. Can I have a beer? Yeah. And just three shots of tequila. Don't be an alcoholic. They go upstairs and

Sheena has a bottle of Pinot Grigio wrapped in a blue ribbon for Stassi. And Stassi goes, wow, thanks. That's so clever. That's so clever. Sheena's like, I know. I'm in the Friars Club. Because last time Sheena came to the restaurant

Stassi was like what do you want from me And she goes you can get me a drink I don't know what I did wrong to you but you can get me a Pinot Grigio Yeah So she brings her her Pinot Grigio I thought that was very funny And then Sheena goes she likes two things Pinot Grigio and blue

So there you go bitch I think she's talking about Ramona actually Because I think it's Ramona Blue She likes two things. Pinot Grigio and blue. So there you go, bitch. I think she's talking about Ramona, actually. Because I think it's Ramona blue. Pinot Grigio and Ramona blue. Yes, and she's married to a turtle time. Yeah. I'm sorry.

Excuse me. I'm sorry. I believe this Pinot Grigio is for me. And why is it not Ramona Pinot Grigio? I'm sorry. This is not the right Pinot Grigio. It's like Lala's housewarming party and Ramona walks in. Hello, I'm here. Whoa. Where's the Pinot Grigio. I'm sorry. This is not the right Pinot Grigio. It's like Lala's housewarming party and Ramona walks in. Hello. I'm here. Whoa. Where's the Pinot Grigio? Oh, this is not right.

This is not good Pinot Grigio, Sheena. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's day class A. I can't take a shot out of these tiny little cups. I mean, what are these? The tiny little cups? One time when I was a little girl, I had a dollhouse and there was a mommy and a daddy inside the dollhouse.

And they both had tiny cups and the mommy filled up the daddy's cup and then her own cup. And she said, cheers to being a happy couple. And he said, you're a stupid bitch. And he threw the tiny cup in the tiny mom's face. OK, I cannot look at a tiny cup ever again. My mother always said you always have to have your own dollhouse because you don't want to rely on a man to make a dollhouse for you. OK, so I'm sorry. That's just how it goes. You always have to have your own dollhouse because you don't want to rely on a man to make a dollhouse for you, okay? So I'm sorry.

That's just how it goes. If you guys are going to have tiny cups, I hope you have tiny to-go containers so I can put some of these pretzels in it. So when I go home, if Mario does come back, I'm not saying I need him to, but if he does, he'll have some pretzels to eat, okay? Okay. Whoa, whoa, you know what's crazy? I'm looking at Lala's Big hoop earrings And it reminds me Of when I was a little girl

I had a hula hoop Okay And I used to go And I'd hula hoop everywhere And everyone was like Oh look there's Ramona With a hula hoop And everyone loved it

Everyone was happy with it And then one time Geraldine Parsons-Smith Came over and said Who's that slutty little girl In a hula hoop And I cried and cried and cried I went into the woods

I was like Well woods And so to this day I can never use a hula hoop Okay I'm sorry I don't like hula hoops or hoop earrings okay i'm sorry lala they could have used her at this party for sure this party looks so boring it was really fun to watch but god it looks so boring it was just people walking from room to room they were just like let's stand over here and

talk about things okay now let's go to the couch area. Now let's go to the table again. Oh my god, have you been by the window yet? Let's go over there. Shay and Stassi tried to have a conversation. She's like, so, what's up? She's like, not much. Cool. And Shay's like, seeing Stassi is like seeing a ghost, but like a bitchy

ghost, like a bitch ghost, like a ghost that's a bitch. It's like, yeah, Shay, we get it. But I did like that this episode was officially called bitch ghost it was it was on the direct tv it said like episode 18 bitch ghosts um so tom decides to come over and tell ostasi everybody telling ostasi is just hilarious they all just rip into her yeah tom's like hey stas so like i just wanted to say that you're like full of shit okay because one minute you're like mad at everybody for you know like kristen fucking jacks but then like you're sleeping on the couch that she probably fucked him on. So you're dumb.

And she's like, yeah, but I cut people out. So, like, literally what I'm saying is, like, I just, like, you're a paper doll. You're like construction paper. And then I cut you into a doll. And then I throw you on the ground. Because that's what I do. And he's like, all right. Well. I make snowflakes out of you.

There are consequences to that, Stassi. Okay. And then he looks like Tom. I love that Tom always looks like he's about to start crying consequences okay stass okay like you can't do that poor tom i mean he looks like he's at his limit he's exasperated by all these fools around him that like just go back and forth and are so shallow you can just see he wants to pull out his hair at this point he's so annoyed and he and he knows he's being painted as like the arrogant cocky bastard and he's you know in his mind he's like he's just trying to like just he's just trying to cope like stassi okay meanwhile by standing in a corner and twirling his hair around while

giving stassi glares. That was killing me. They just show a close up of Tom and he's like got one finger twirling his bangs like I'm going to say something to Stassi. Meanwhile, elsewhere, elsewhere, while this party is going on, we are cutting up to somewhere else in town where Tom Schw schwartz katie and jacks are getting drinks and first of all we learned that jacks is going to pay for britney getting a boob job which is hilarious and sort of scary and very much like rob from newlyweds but then also jacks is not paying for shit he doesn't have any money he owes lisa ten thousand dollars britney's paying all the bills yeah i was like where is he getting this money from? You know he's going to steal those

Yeah, exactly It's going to be a stolen boob job But then, so Katie's Katie's whole issue is like, well I wasn't invited to Lala's housewarming party And she went out of her way to tell me And we see a flashback where Lala's like Just so you know, I'm having a party

And I don't want you You're not invited and I don't want you, you're not invited and I don't want you there. Which made me chuckle because it's like, you know, turnabout is fair play, but also it was like how indelicate she was about it. She was so funny. Her tit for tat was hilarious. I know. And just so you know,

she tried to repeat her words exactly and it was so funny because if she really wanted to get some closure she would have invited katie wait till she showed up told her she was uninvited and then make her wait on the car until her mom came together exactly this is all this is basically what lala's life has been leading to is not inviting someone to a party so but the best part is katie is like oh my god like can you believe that like i'm like katie you've done it to her like 10 times this season not to mention everyone else on this show so just like relax all right why would i even want to go to that party uh because

now you're sitting with your non-committal boyfriend who refuses to get a job and the meth head loser who's trying to scrape boobs off of any floor he can to insert into his girlfriend who's now working at the playboy mansion for some show and already has boobs what the hell yeah she already has perfectly lovely boobs actually really good boobs so like what the hell i do have to point out though that at the beginning of the scene i was like oh my god it is so nice to see katie smile because she never has a genuine smile she's always miserable and like she'll smile like like with that look but this she was so happy she's engaged she's always miserable and like she'll smile like like with that look but this she was so happy she's engaged she's chilling with her friends having dinner she looks so happy and i was like i wrote this will not last and sure enough not even one damn scene she's already pissed off

again bless her heart exactly so then we um cut back to the party and stassi and sheena like sheena sheena and stassi like sit down on the couch together and just like one of these awkward moments just what are you doing uh what are you doing um nothing like what are you doing nothing the level of their frenemy ship is so fantastic it's just like one of the best frenemy situations like the way they the tension between them is always just so amazing but then they have a little conversation where they bury the hatchet where she's like i just want you to know that i would never sell your sex tape on the internet and even you even someone as shitty and as obnoxious as you i wouldn't do that because

i'm not about that yeah she's like yeah okay like I saw the sex tape and I laughed and I, like, showed people at work. But I didn't, like, pull out my PR list, okay? Like, I could have sent it to all the blogs that are on my list and I didn't. So, you're welcome. She's like, so you're welcome. And here's another thing I have to say. I think I'm going to just try one of each of the Prime cocktails. You know what I mean?

I think I'm going to just try one of each of the prime cocktails. I'm not nagging you. I'm just trying one of each. Sheena just used the exact same fight that Tom did. She's like, well, you're, like, mad at me because, like, I was friends with Kristen after she fought Jax on the couch. But then now you're sleeping on the couch at Kristen Park or whatever. And Sassy goes, actually, no, that's not why I'm not friends with Katie. I'm not friends with Katie because of you. friends with katie because of you yeah i was like oh god so now the here here goes a typical stassi apology not apologize yeah just like everything i did i did because you drove me to it yeah and then so she admits the sex tape thing and stassi says wow i, Sheena, if she had told me, like, if she had admitted her part in this whole thing, then, yeah, I would have gone to Miami.

And then I wouldn't have gotten in a fight with Katie. And then I would have gotten to Sheena's wedding. I would have stopped my job at Sir. And then she's like Sheena fight butterfly affecting the Sheenaverse or whatever. But those all sound like terrible alternatives to her life. I know. If she had told me this like a year and a half ago, I would have gone to a terrible wedding. I would have been still a waitress.

I would have gone on a terrible trip. I'm so mad. So then back, speaking of Stassi and engagements and all that stuff, back at the restaurant with Katie and Tom and Jax. So Tom admits that he invited Stassi to the engagement party. And, of course, Katie is mad. And Katie pulls a total sheena. She's like, she accuses Stassi of being selfish. She's like, this is a really good time in my life, and she's tainting it.

I'm like, bitch, do you know what the definition of selfish is? It means you don't want to share. Like, who is being selfish here? She's like, I can't believe she wants to come to my party she's not allowed to come to my party this is on the heels by the way of her bemoaning the fact that lala didn't invite her to her party speaking of taint her fiance what a taint what is this guy oh my god what a pussy like so he shows up to a restaurant to yell at a woman which i mean, I know it's saucy, but still. He shows up at a restaurant to yell at a woman, and then he invites said enemy to the engagement party.

And then his fiancée now is sobbing. She's like, you can't do that to me! Like crying. And he's like, well, I don't know. I was harsh. I just felt bad. I felt bad. I was like, I don't know. I harsh so whatever i just felt bad you know i felt bad i was like i don't know i beat the poor girl down she's they cut the jacks and jacks just like

staring like oh yeah jacks is just warming up because every time you think oh wait jacks is well i wasn't thinking about this sometimes he can be really charming and fun. He's talking about implanting tits into somebody, that idiot. So then, like, the next day or whenever it is, Horseface number one and Stassi are, like, sitting on a couch, and Stassi's like, literally, I have never had such a fun roommate as you. Like, I'm having the most fun with you, Kristen. And Kristen's like, yeah, I'm really fun. Seriously? Seriously? I'm really fun. I'm a fun, I'm a fun, uh,

I'm a fun t-shirt muggle. Like, I'm gonna design you this t-shirt, and it's gonna say, I'm with fun, and it's gonna point to me. And then, of course, this is Classic Stassi. Now that she's gotten a little bit of purchase in the social system again, she's been walking back just a little bit. She's like,

la la is, like, such a piece of trash. Like, okay, I guess like, that's been walking back just a little bit. She's like, uh, Lala is like such a piece of trash. Like, okay, I guess like that's a good look. Like, whatever. She's just basically bashing Lala after Lala was saying like,

so wonderful to have an old lady like Stassi. Praise me. And then Kristen's like, ugh, Lala. Like, Lala's not only below me,

she's like, many stories down. She's not a step down she's like downstairs okay she's like p3 in the parking garage okay she's subterranean parking literally literally you know that little girl who fell in the well when we were kids like she's that girl on the bottom of the well looking down a vent and seeing another girl who fell down a deeper well below her okay lala is like literally hillary's swank in the core just drilling into the middle of the earth and she's still not low enough literally seriously lala is not even as low as Howard the Duck okay, she's like if they made like a Howard the Duck part 2, okay like the lowest

since when did Kristen start hating Lala so much, I thought that she sort of liked Lala because Lala get an ass, Lala gets all the ass and all the wants of ass that Kristen wants, Jax was sitting there trying to fuck her, saying he wanted to fuck her,

right in front of Kristen. Yeah. And James did fuck her, right? Or was trying to fuck her. I don't know if they've done it at this point, but is totally flirting with her. Lala gets everything that Kristen wanted and fucked up.

Yeah, exactly. Except Tom. But give the guy time. So then we cut to the Toms driving along in the valley, listening to a Tom Sandoval song. And they're heading off to a meeting with Patton D about LVP Sangria. And guess what? Tom Schwartz announces that.

He's like, you know, I'm either all in on something or I'm all out. And I think with Lisa Vanderpump Sangria, I think I'm all out. What a shock. What a shock. What a shock. What have you ever been all in in? Could you name one thing that you've been all in on? Perms.

You could barely even... You could barely even propose to this woman that you've had waiting for you forever. You have never been all in, douche. Yeah. Cute douche. Adorable douche. Yeah. But still in douche yeah cute douche adorable douche

but still a douche yeah no exactly tom's like uh tom number one's like dude like you gotta be serious like you gotta concentrate and be something like dude you're about to get married to katie like she's expecting so much no she's she's not. She's not. And also, you can't lecture somebody on maturity when you're in a band called Charles McMansion. Exactly. And it's not like being a promoter for Lisa Vanderpump Sangria is like a career path that's going to sustain you for the next 60 years, okay? It means you go to clubs and tell girls to drink sangria that's all that's why you gotta like sandoval because at least he knows you know he knows all this shit stupid he's like whatever bro like you're gonna feel so stupid when i'm getting basically

paid to party yeah it's true unlike now and tom's like yeah i've been the other tom i've been doing so much with my modeling that i'm thinking like that's what i need to go all in on and then they cut to his fat pictures yeah in underwear um i know and then meanwhile so then then a little bit later uh uh tom is talking about his band um he's like mentioning like how he's you know like he's putting together like a music video and he's put a lot of money into the band and um he's talking about talking to jacks about this and jack's like oh he's like i'm so sick about hearing about his band like this is so annoying i'm like listen we had to sit through your sweater line and your stupid fitness app okay so let tom speak about his band for one second because it's about 20 times

more legit than anything you've done yes at least tom has kept with it he's been doing it for a long time this isn't something new yeah He actually can play an instrument. And his song isn't half bad. His song isn't half bad. It's legit. It's a good song. We've seen a lot of crappy songs on reality TV. It's just not going anywhere.

But it was a legit song. And it's something he consistently works at every is it was like a legit song like you know and it's something he consistently works at every year he keeps going and going and going so what if he becomes rich or not he's at least doing something dude yeah and then jackson jackson jack's going well like look i don't want to be a dick like i want to be supportive of my friend but his band is dumb it's not going to go anywhere there i said it like oh you are such a piece of shit dude yeah i'm sorry i didn't hear that because i was uh checking the mailbox for my new jacks taylor's chunky sweater it still has not arrived it was basically just

bought at fucking old navy and then had a tag glue gunned over the old navy tag yeah yeah out of here so then so then jacks and the Toms go over to Lisa's house to donate a bunch of clothes to this charity and they're like looking at her nip. They bring old crusty bras from their house. I like when Tom Sandoval is like, dude, this is like a mattress. What did he say? Oh, this is

from a sheet girl. So they're like looking at Lisa's nude pic, which is kind of funny. There's like 900 pink shirts on the ground. And I thought, God, Lisa's giving away a lot of clothes. And she comes in and she goes, do not steal my husband's shirts, darling. This is for poor people, all right? Next time I have homeless children in my restaurant, I want them all in pink. Do not take them home.

Poor people need ruffles on their shirts too. You think poor people don't have little puffy dogs that they want to dress like? Everyone should be entitled to a pirate shirt. When they saw those nude pictures and Tom number two was getting a boner.

So good. So then Lisa and Tom had a meeting and Lisa gives them the regular You're a wussy pussy, lousy tootsie, darling. You're a big, bloody wussy pussy. I was like, stop talking to him like the little miniature horse. Yolanda pops up behind the couch. Do not say I have lousy pussy, doocy doo, so I tell you to say this word. Why are you talking about my children?

No, Yolanda I'm talking about Tom number two He's my child too Darling You've got to be serious about something You're marrying Katie You need a food budget, darling Darling

You need to have a career Because if you spend all day with that sad sack, you'll drive yourself mad. Get out of the house. Darling, she's getting pregnant the second her ovaries start working again. She's not going to be able to wait tables forever, darling. She's already gone through three years of a sympathy pregnancy. Wait till she actually gets pregnant. You need a job.

Yeah, that guy is so lazy. Yeah, he's like i know i know i know it's just that like you know i don't want to do i mean it's fine if he doesn't want to do the lisa vanderpump sangria that's fine but like dude like he's like he's like i don't know it's just like i really want to like throw myself into this modeling thing and i want to try it and just i don't know like i don't know i'm pretty i'm cute like i'm so cute i mean and just, I don't know, like, oh no, I'm pretty, I'm cute. Like, I'm so cute. I mean, I just, gosh, I don't know,

Lisa, like, God, I was going to say, oh, it hurts so much. Oh God, I got to say it.

Oh, shut up. Craig, Craig from Newlyweds and Tom Schwartz should have a conversation together. Oh,

hey, Craig, like, oh, like, you want to hang out today? Oh, I don't know. I want to hang out.

Do you think Crystal can come? I mean, I guess. I don't know. Do I like Crystal? Oh, I love Crystal. Oh, do I? I don't know. Hey, Craig.

I was thinking that we could, like, go into business together. Oh, that'd be great. Okay, do you want to handle the finances? Oh, I don't know. Do you want to? Oh, I don't know. Oh, I'll do it. Okay, wait you want to handle the finances? Oh, I don't know. Do you want to? I don't know. I'll do it. Okay, wait, no.

Maybe you should do it. You should. Craig, it's just that, like, I don't know. I'm either all in or all out. That's exactly what I tell Brendan. How about this? Why don't we ask Crystal if she'll do the business, and then we can just go up to Runyon.

Yeah, okay, that's a great idea. Great. Oh, my God. That's awesome. Every time I see scenes like this where people are saying, I'm going to really throw myself into modeling, I can't stop but saying, you're 40. Stop it. Stop it. No one throws themselves into modeling when they're 40.

He means actually he's going to make a bunch of model trains and stuff. I'm really going to get into modeling now.'re he means actually he's gonna like make a bunch of model trains and stuff i'm really i'm really gonna get into modeling now i already got some glue i've been sniffing it for a while now um so now we have a kyle chan party kyle chan is the guy who got um who got tom and katie their free engagement ring yeah so romantic it's like i i got her a free ring i mean i don't know what she's so upset about kyle chan is desperate to get on tv so he's so what he's doing is throwing a fundraiser or some party for equal rights at pump because he knows it's gonna get him on tv so he's doing that and it's hilarious kristin shows up with this new guy named carter he's pretty cute and i think it's ariana who points out like okay so

like kristen's at a party with a bunch of people who don't like her um at a restaurant she was fired at with a new guy flavor of the month so um have fun with that but she's right she's not invited to so good but she's right this guy looks extremely uh shady he looks very very jealous he just looked like a typical hollywood douchebag like we've seen him a million times i mean to me there was like a serious era jealousy around i can't wait to see if i'm right because he looks like super jealous and possessive which is going to be amazing because she needs that she can only be with someone else who's crazy even though tom wasn't really but well i love how like i love how like alex from below deck like i mean talk about a fast arc i mean basically she's like yeah i'm not with alex anymore we had sex four times and now we're back to being friends

i'm like you were with him like the last episode you were just starting to kiss him like where did the relationship go well we were instead on like two different maroon carpets so like i did the relationship go well we were insta'd on like two different maroon carpets so like i mean the first one was the fabree the new fabree scent opening and then the next one was that cupcake store opening so like you know like we've gone through an entire relationship in like two weeks like we had a great time like we went to the opening of a witch witch and now it's like i don't know we're just back to being friends we celebrated the new subway flavors uh so we're done you know like like yeah like he like he made this sandwich at witch witch that was like good but i liked my combo more and then we realized we're just better off as friends

i was really starting to love him but then his eye grew his eyebrows grew back in so i was like bye seriously seriously like when he said let's go to witch So I was like, bye. Seriously? Seriously? Like when he said, let's go to which witch, I was like, which witch? Didn't sound as good as seriously, seriously. So I was like, it's done. That was so bad right there. So meanwhile, big news. I like when she said, this guy's my first right swipe.

My first swipe right. Yeah. She literally had a Clorox wipe out and she was swiping things have you seen kristin say no to any guy ever yeah ever yeah exactly look at her track record okay um we are back although if you're listening to this it sounds like one seamless recording because i had to stop the recording because there was just a fire in my building. So the mere discussion of Kristen swiping right on a guy caused a fire in my building. Even your building didn't believe it. It was like, that's a lie.

I'm starting myself on fire. I refuse to hear any more of this. I'm self-immolating. I refuse to hear any more of this. I'm self-immolating. The building just swiped left like a thousand fires, like with the fire of a thousand suns on Kristen. Exactly. Actually, some girl on the second floor lit her kitchen on fire.

So we were recording and then the fire alarm went off and I was like, seriously? Seriously? And then so I was like, all i'm gonna go downstairs that's what i should do and i'm like walking down the you know the staircase and i hear people being and i'm like oh shit people are running and some girls like yeah there's a fire there's like a real fire i was like what and i went out on the street and you could see smoke coming out of one of the windows but the fire trucks came and put it out i knew it was going to be little because i went outside to let bueller pee when that happened and i heard tons of fire trucks and

there's only a bunch of fire trucks when it's small yeah like a building could explode and the fire trucks will get there 20 minutes later but if it's a microwave fire they're on it like the hell well it's it's shocking because sometimes that fire alarm will go off and like it'll always be at like six in the morning and everyone trudges downstairs and then you're standing out there for 15 minutes it takes 10 minutes for the fire trucks to show up but this time they were like there they were ready someone was like no this is a real fire it's like at school when they had the fire alarm test or whatever and then everybody went outside and they were like we just wanted to make sure that you guys could stand in a straight line and follow orders. Like, shut up, Zach White Elementary.

I know. And then there's this one girl who is like massively inconvenienced by it. And she was like, why do I have to be outside? Like they said it was OK for me to be in there. I don't understand why I have to be outside. Listen, there's a fire, lady. Just tell her microwave fumes make you fat. fire lady just tell her microwave beams make you fat and then on top of that i got a notification from amazon that said your new cookbook the fire of peru has just arrived i was like wow it's quite

a literal cookbook they're like literally delivered fire from peru to my building a couple weeks ago there was a big fire across the street here i don't know what's why everything's starting on fire but there was one over here and all the neighbors were outside partying together because you know we were just gathered and we were getting wasted and a couple people came out of their apartments and they're like what's going on that building's on fire my internet's out like forget the possible dead people in there yeah okay just worry about your fucking internet exactly well then i was like down on the street and i was like oh no i was like my board games what if it catches on fire i'm like i had my laptop with me let alone i did i wasn't i wasn't concerned about my passport i was like no

i just bought a new game i love why i don't want to burn up it's so hard for me to track it down you said i'm gonna take my, and then you ran out. And I was like, wait a second. There's a lot of stuff in there. Yeah. I mean, look at all the Barefoot Contessa books alone you'd have to rebuy. Oh, my God. All the cookbooks, all the board games.

Darling. Too much, too much. New Apple TV. I swore I wouldn't buy another model. Well, thankfully, everything is safe for now. So we can get back to the Vanderpump Rules. The real disaster, which is this party for this jeweler. And guess what, guys?

Katie is mad at Tom Schwartz again. That's right. She is upset. I know it's shocking. But she's annoyed because Tom quit the lease. Probably got fucked again. Because you know that that's the only time she's, like, feeling horny is when she gets to yell at somebody. She's been so happy since their engagement. She hasn't been able to have sex.

He probably got laid this night. Yeah, he probably did. So she's upset about how he quit Lisa Vanderpump, you know, Sangria, and he didn't even talk to her about it. And he was just kind of like, ugh, stop. And he was getting annoyed because, in his words, basically everyone's extrapolating all this meaning from the fact that he just didn't want to do it. Everyone's like, you can't do a job. What about your career?

What about Katie? Blah, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, I just didn't want to do the job. And she's like, no, but, like, you know, like, you have to give up on certain dreams. Like, you know, at one point I had to transition out of acting and modeling and he's like well but you weren't really an actress or a model and she's like excuse me i was she's like i was trying for that since i was seven years old and that was a really hard dream to give up honey you dreamed but you never got out of bed okay yeah like you dreamt that since you were seven in the morning have you ever gone to an audition please stop yes i'd like to see a real this is also the point where

um everybody's drunk okay so they've already been at this party she's drunk because she already knows all this stuff so she's just choosing to go off at a party because it's her hobby yeah and he is shifting back and forth and has a little confidence Which means he's drunk And he's also wiping his nose Did you notice that? And he was also snapping back But he was also snapping back at her Which he only does when he's really drunk

And he's like, I mean, you're not a model Stop it, Katie Now, to be fair, she was like, listen You started modeling when you were 25 I don't want you to be an out-of-work actor when you're 40. I'm like, well, you'll be an out-of-work actor when you're 26. But on top of that, he, believe it or not, he has actually gotten some gigs. We've seen him in some ads.

And so it's like he's way more successful than Katie has been on the modeling front. So she should actually be like, okay, well, you are are getting some gigs so let's try to capitalize on that well i think if he was the kind of model that um you know like smart models like a heidi klum well yeah well she's pretty smart i mean i guess i mean we're talking about models but heidi klum she's like okay look i'm going to have 20 babies and i'm going to quit the model so i would have a line of everything so it's like heidi klum soap heidi klum you know conditioner heidi klum bricks that you can put on the walkway outside your house that bitch will sell anything that's a smart model it's like i'm going to use my name to sell something but tom doesn't have that you know

first it was bad enough he was going to use his name to like sell sangria with somebody else's name but he doesn't have that after plan and look it's like the people we talk about on newlyweds i can't feel sorry for someone who's getting married to a person she knows is a flake and when she tells him okay fine then when people start saying well he's a flake and he has no ambition i'm gonna say yeah okay wow you sure told him i won't stand up for you anymore lady giving your hand in marriage to a man is the ultimate standing up for a man's yeah you realize your fiance is a model and you're surprised that he's a flake and has no ambition i mean sort of things it's like saying, like, you're surprised that you are dating an acrobat who happens to be flexible or something.

You know, it's like, certain things go hand in hand. I'm so sick of you putting your ankles behind your ears. So gross. Like, I know you're a contortionist, but do you have to always show off the fact that you can put, like,

your ankle up this way? Basically what you said, Ronnie. I know that you're tall, but do you this way and you're basically what you said Ronnie but you have to keep getting the crackers off the top shelf it just makes me feel insecure so then then Jax is talking about the boob situation again and oh god but this is

in front of everybody at the party and he's like yo okay by the way the reason I'm pointing out that what's his buns was wiping his nose is because now Jax is on a full crystal meth. But even – right. But this is before the after party. This is when – Yeah, because I was going to say that he starts telling us that the real reason why she's getting the boobs is a thank you for putting up with his sunglass drama.

And I was thinking to myself, like what are you self-serving thank you i want to thank you so much for putting up with me going in jail that i'm i'm gonna modify your body for you just that's that's what you get as a token of thanks i'm gonna change myself more disgusting to you by stealing sunglasses so i'm gonna make you more attractive to me by getting you free tits from some dude i know who's done four of my noses exactly yeah you know jax is over at the fang planet fitness in chinatown where yolanda went digging boobs out of trash cans here are two phrases you don't want to hear discount and plastic surgery okay that never ends well look at maloof and i know that

woman's got more money than god but the bitch loves a bargain you know half that shit was done for free or by a neighbor because she loaned you know a hose or some shit right exactly or how about daniel stubb i mean so um so then so kyle this guy kyle surgery darling i call them groupon tits like when people have big square tits yeah those are called groupon tips when they're still putting beanbags inside of you yeah it was on groupon yeah exactly oh the beanbags but um so so the last thing i'm gonna say about this party before we go the after party is so kyle chan like again so desperate to like make an impression and he's like i just want to thank everyone for coming out to pump tonight for this like fundraiser it really means so much blah blah blah blah blah and i want to thank

and they cut to lisa vanderpump looking so bored. She's like, alright, darling, let's wrap this up so I can soup out the floor. Okay, come on now. Darling, oh, the gay's getting married. Oh, huge surprise. Let's party for another ten years. Is anybody gonna throw a party for dogs with alopecia? Now there's a rager!

You have to go to Missouri to get those sort of parties. That's where I was, darling. That's why I didn't go to your event. Let's play get the horse on the private plane. Who was mad at Lisa that she didn't show up? Was it Adrian who was mad at Lisa? Because Lisa was in the Midwest for some fundraiser for Alopecia, and then she came home and went directly to serve.

Remember that fight? Oh, yeah, that was adrian was it adrian i think so or was it yolanda about the dumbest shit ever yeah it was like yolanda's always been mad through other people she's i don't think she's ever been like oh god i my memory does i don't even remember where i left my screw gun y'all i'm and that was this morning i was using that i can't remember all. So anyway, now it's the after party. And now we're talking about the boobs again. And Jax is explaining that he wants Brittany's boobs to look like Peter's girlfriend's boobs.

Oh, my God. That is just sad right there. And that girl has nice boobs. I'm not criticizing her boobs. But who does that? That is so gross okay so jacks is like in a full-on crystal rage by now yeah uh by the way i say that all the time because everybody who's doing drugs in this neighborhood does that okay i know what it looks like and it

looks like jack's veins a bulging eyes a tiny sweating all over the place red can't stop sweating gushing sweat this guy yeah so and then he keeps talking too much and saying awful things and stealing all side effects hi kim richards so he starts doing this uh he starts doing this thing where it's like hey did britta i'm getting her tits yeah i'm getting her new boobs yeah gotta discount yeah getting her boobs getting her boobs oh yeah they're gonna be triple d's and she's like oh you're funny jack well i was just thinking maybe like a c maybe well i think she actually i think she actually wanted them to be big really big and i think that he wanted them to be smaller right i think he wanted them to be

he said he wants well i wrote jacks wants triple d's but then he compares her to peter's girlfriend boobs who does not have triple d i thought he was saying he didn't want like a teardrop boob or something i don't remember a teardrop boob he's like i want a princess cut he went to jared if i'm gonna finance these tits i get to pick them yeah whoa and then britney looks like she's mortified and about to cry but still will stay for the free tits because she's an idiot like that. I know. And then the other girls are like, really, Jax? And Katie's like, that is disgusting.

I cannot believe you would treat a woman like that. And he goes, I'm sorry, but if I'm going to pay for something, I'm getting what I want. Yeah. Wow. At first, when he first said if I'm going to pay, he's like, if I'm going to finance these, I want them how I want them. I thought he was going to be like, just kidding, just kidding. I thought he was making a joke at first. But it was like, oh, no, he's serious. And then he really said that, and it was, oh, it was so nasty and chauvinist.

And you are not financing anything. You're broke. Exactly. She's been taking care of you after slinging her tits and fucking wings around, and now you're getting free tits from the nose job guy. He didn't even give you a proper nose job. He probably't even pay for that meth you freeloader yeah that was that was crazy but then jacks wasn't done he was on a roll so now tom tom and tom are talking and schwartz is all like oh he's having a hard day and he's talking oh this is just he's so sick of it he

just wanted to quit that job and now everyone's yelling at him and everyone's scolding him and telling him what to do and he just wants to quit a job. And now everyone's yelling at him. And everyone's scolding him and telling him what to do. And he just wants to quit a job. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then Tom Sandoval's like, yeah, man. Well, no. So they're just sort of bro-ing out with a conversation. And then Jax just starts going in on Tom. He starts badgering him.

And Tom doesn't want to hear it. So then Sandoval, he says the weirdest thing that I still don't understand. He goes, he's like, dude, Jax, it's like if you got drunk and you and Shay wrecked his car and he broke his leg and all of a sudden I just want to talk about my band. I was like, what? I don't understand that at all. How is it, how are any of these things, like, connected?

Was he maybe saying that, like, if he just wanted to talk about his band whenever he thinks shit was happening? I couldn't understand it at all. And then Jax, you can't expect me to explain it, because I was just laughing my ass off. Stupid Jax. Jax goes, shut up about the band. He's offering them Lisa Sangria

wine, or Lisa Rosé wine that his ass stole from the restaurant. Jesus Christ. And then Jax goes, he goes, shut up about the band. And Tom's like, it's not about the band. I was using that as a, he didn't say it, but he was using it as like a metaphor or a simile. But like, Jack's like, shut up about the band.

It was very Yolanda Foster. And then, so that's when Tom's like, Tom's like, and then the other Tom walks away and Jack goes to Tom Sandoval. He's like, stop acting like you're the number one fucking guy in this group, man. I'm the number one guy in this group. I was i didn't know people this was a moment where i said okay surely he's gonna sober up you're like in five days because that shit lasts forever and

then he's gonna wake up from a really long nap and then he's gonna eat something and then he's gonna realize that was stupid but nope in his in his talking head he's like yeah i'm sick of i'm sick of tom thinking like he's the head of this group. Like, he almost repeats the same thing. No, he says, I'm sick of him thinking he's the team captain. I'm the team captain. Yeah. Wow.

I was like, do people? I was like, I never knew people really did talk like they were on the OC. Like, they are really like, welcome to the OC, bitch. It is full on teen movie going on right now. And Tom did my favorite Tom thing where he gets so mad he's going to start crying. Yeah. He's like, whatever, Jax. Like, you can say it like, how could you say that to me, man?

That's not cool, man. Like, that's not cool, man. Yeah. Okay? Like, I'm getting up and I'm walking out, but I'm saying, how could you do that, man? It's not cool, man. Yeah, well, but then Tom's like, he's like, yeah, but I love how Tom was like, Tom just had a really bad day, man. He just had a bad, tough day.

And Jack's like, well, my girlfriend is out there talking about going to surgery tomorrow. I'm like, listen, she's not like getting her liver removed. She's getting elective boob job surgery. Okay. For free. Yeah. Calm down. That girl is not. She would, too. like getting her liver removed she's getting elective boob job surgery okay for free yeah calm down girl is not she would too she's the kind who's like she's like tamra nobody came to visit me while i was getting my boobs done for the fourth time like what batches so then so then jacks he he rationalizes this all by saying, you know, I do tell the truth.

People just don't want to hear it. And I expect him to say, well, and I also lie a lot. When have you ever told the truth, fool? This guy is a mess. He only tells the truth if it's gossip. This brings me back to a Kim Richards thing. Just because this is like the pre-moment before anybody's confronted him that he's a total meth head loser,

lying, stealing, cheating, doing all this shit. And everyone's like, oh no, he's just Jax. Jax being Jax. No, that guy's going to be in rehab at some point, hopefully soon for his own sake. Once this show... He's over the hill and over the top. Once the show is over,

then yes, next stop is celebrity rehab. Oh my God. I hope not because people on that show die i don't want him to die i just want him to maybe get help i mean i don't even know what his real personality is he's just so shifty i i'm blaming drugs because i cannot believe that somebody's that terrible yeah i can't believe that somebody that naturally gorgeous would be that compulsively terrible all the time to everybody. I know, right? I have to blame the drugs, guys. Blame the drugs.

Whether or not they're—what if he's not even doing them? Even if it's in my own head, I would choose to believe that humanity can't sink that low without drugs. Well, fame is a drug, so there's that. Oh my god, but it's like waiter fame. That's the worst. I mean, to be famous and still have to go sling goat cheese and bananas! That's the best part about this show, is that everyone here is, you know, they're now famous, but they can only continue to be famous by continuing to be waiters.

Like, they're locked in. It's the greatest irony. And Stassi tried to fly the coop but she couldn't she couldn't i mean kristen flew the coop but she's still hanging around as she's she's sort of like an honorary waitress they all come back they fly the coop but then they're it's the most brilliant thing go back to that goddamn restaurant all the time stassi's out there begging for scraps for thing yeah it's because their their fame the premise of their fame is that they're waiters and waitresses.

So if they abandon that, then they can't be famous anymore. It's the most amazing contract. Man, garbage man. Social contract. The reality show. Vanderpump picks up your garbage cans. The spinoff. Vanderpump stools.

Hey, aren't you on TV? Yes, I will take a picture with you. Sorry, aren't you on TV? Yes, I will take a picture with you. Sorry, I got a little baby shit on me when I was moving that last house. Yeah. Well, guess what? We made it to the end. We did it.

Even with a fire in the middle, we made it to the end. So thanks, everyone, for listening. We have a subscriber hangout Tonight at 6pm Pacific You can go to Patreon If you donate at Patreon at a certain level You will get all access to all the details Come join us Hopefully you've gotten this far

And the hangout hasn't already happened Oh yeah and I'm putting the new ringer up this week It's Eileen saying Zip it Which I think is my first Eileen ringer. I don't even think we've ever done. You're a beast. You beast.

But that'll be it for my end. You'll hear it right now after we say bye. We love you guys. Love you. Bye. Bye. Hey, Prime members. You can listen to Watch What Crappens ad-free on Amazon Music. Download the Amazon Music app today. Or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts.

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