Watch What Crappens - #269: Reading, Yachting, and MC Jerk Broccoli

Episode Date: February 24, 2016

On this episode Ben and Ronnie check in on Kim Fields' reading skills, Karen's passive aggressive yacht party, and the latest rhymes from Top Chef's rappers-cum-historians. Here's the breakdown: 00:00:00 - Intro. Helllllo! 00:07:35 - Crappens Mailbag! 00:25:30 - NEW SEGMENT: Clear The Flem 00:31:16 - Real Housewives of ATL 01:10:14 - Top Chef 01:2614 - Potomac Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap happens? What happens? What happens?

Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, crap, Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Who cares what happens when there's so much that happens? Hey everyone, welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to watch. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the banter blender podcast. And joining me is the very, very funny, very lovely, very happy, very talented, and very wonderful.

Ronnie Karen from trash talk, tv.com. I love you too. And I also love our premium sponsor. Christy Dougherty. Yay. Christy. Love you forever. Mean it forever yeah christy we want to hug you wherever you are consider yourself hugged by the entire crappens universe net hugs

darling net hugs um anyway uh welcome to the show everyone Today we're going to be talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta and Potomac and Top Chef. So much fun stuff to discuss. Oh, I think we have an ad today probably, too. We probably should look at that while we're futzing around here with the intro. All right. Well, go ahead. I'll do the intro part. If you guys want to come over to talk with other listeners and us about the shows as they

air or comment on these episodes, come over to facebook.com slash watch what crappens or go to watch what crappens dot com for all of our personal links, our instas, etc. Patreon.com slash watch what crappens is where you can subscribe to our bony baloney episodes. We do

one a week. Today was Survivor, Kesha, some chick from Hollywood Divas who almost lost her head in a bowling alley and is now trying to sue somebody. Millennials. Millennials. Millennials getting sued or getting fired from their minimum wage job after dirty tweets and complaining about not making enough money on the internet. Yeah, we also talked about Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. Dr. Phil. And we talked about

the fake Dr. Kid. Oh, yeah, yeah. Making up careers for yourself. Yeah, it was a good time. So go over there and check it out. Patreon.com slash Watch What Crappens. Also, if you go to our Facebook page, so I'm in the process of compiling

a Watch What Crappens glossary because we realized that we have a lot of new listeners coming on every single day, which is really cool. And we've been doing this show for about four years now. I think our anniversary was probably like two weeks ago. Well, look at us not celebrating our anniversary. But we've been doing this show for a while now and um and basically over the course these four years we have accumulated just like dozens and dozens of running jokes and gags and nicknames and to us it's just like you know it's like a like a second language almost and we forget sometimes that people have no idea what we're talking about sometimes so so uh we're going we're compiling a watcher crappens glossary so that way you can know what when we say that she's a real

cut fitness you'll know what that means and where that came from geraldine parsons smith um not up to my standards tame gaze um oh well you know Peter. Things like that. You might be like, what is that voice? Yeah. What that laugh means. I'm freaking out. Who said that? So what's really amazing is that I've already made a document. And I was like, I think I probably only missed like two or three things.

Let me see. So I posted yesterday on our Facebook page. And I was like, hey, everyone, I'm making this glossary. Like let me know like what – I'm just trying to like gather all these in-jokes and running gags and nicknames. Post your favorite ones here. Within an hour, we had like 400 comments. It was amazing. It's at 450 right now I think, something like that.

It's crazy. Yeah. So if you haven't added your favorites in to make sure it gets in the glossary, go there. But also, like, how cool is it? How cool is that? How cool is it that, like, A, that we've actually created this kind of, like, trove of all these sayings whatever that people are saying and laughing about and they look forward to us saying on the show but also how cool is that we have all these listeners who are so engaged both with the podcast on our facebook page and are like you know

sharing these moments and liking and everything like it's i don't know it just it just makes me feel special ah we love you guys we really do's going to be like a nice big encyclopedia Bentanica. So come over there and get it. And it's hilarious, by the way. It is so funny because half the shit I forgot about. I was like, oh yeah, the Alexia News Network. I forgot that the Alexia News Network.

I don't even remember where that came from. Why did we start doing the Alexia News Network? I remember we used to go, Alexia News Network, but why did we give her a news network? Oh, well, you know. Oh, well, you you know peter is it just because she was always saying oh well you know peter she's always interrupting with like oh well you know peter i don't know i'm gonna have to look in the glossary and i'll do it the appendix if you will so i don't know what form that's is it going to be a document that we'll post somewhere that you can don't

download or maybe we'll do some sort of evergreen episode. Yeah, we can put it up on the website to maybe where we can have people submit stuff. Yeah. It's like our own Urban Dictionary. Urban Dictionary. Urban Dictionary. Maybe once we build our Weebly website, then maybe we'll put it there. And I know what you're thinking. Us building a Weebly website, then maybe we'll put it there. And I know what you're thinking.

Us building a Weebly website, I mean, we're not exactly web designers around here, but we are going to be creating an awesome website using Weebly. We still can't even believe how easy Weebly makes it. Weebly was created for people

with the courage to start their own business and the dream to be their own boss. That's right. We have courage and we have dreams. Now, again, you don't have to be a web designer or know how to code to create a beautiful website, blog, online store, or watch our crap in Glossary. We were all very impressed with the wide variety of professionally designed mobile-friendly themes to choose from. You just simply drag and drop to quickly build and publish your site. wide variety of professionally designed mobile friendly themes to choose from yeah you just simply drag and drop to quickly build and publish your site too easy uh it really is easy you guys you can truly customize it update it change your site anytime you want on any device this works

from your phone your ipad your galaxy thing your virtual reality headset oh my god i cannot wait to get one of those. Your Sega Saturn. So join the over 30 million people who are already dreaming big with Weebly. Get started today for free at weebly.com slash watch. That's W-E-E-B-L-Y dot com slash watch. weebly.com slash watch. Do it, people. And thank you, Weebly. Thank you, play thank you we blah all right let's move on

let's get on to our favorite segment in life oh my goodness is it the one and only crappins that was a little phaedra phaedra's having we're pissing off that listener who wrote the angry itunes review all they do is play sound effects i'm not gonna listen anymore worth it yeah that laugh is just worth a lot i want that to be wake me up in the

morning i want it to be waking me up in the morning i want it in my life at all you see i'm not far off with you know who does you know who does not laugh like that you know who does not laugh like that? Ayanla Van Zandt. Ayanla, fix my laugh. Oh, by the way, you'll notice that Melbourne accent. I had been really good at getting rid of that Real Housewives of Melbourne accent, but now I'm seeing it everywhere again

because it's back on air in the old, good old Aussie of A, the Aussie of Australia, and we do not get it yet. So please, Bravo, bring us our Melbourne bitches back. I need them in my life. Give us our Melbourne

I need it back. I'm going to be annoying you with my fake vaccines. We need it. We need it so bad. What's in the mailbag, man? Mailbag. I haven't even looked at these questions yet. So, God, where do we even begin? Let's start with Justinian because I actually know Justinian.

So, nepotism. That's an amazing name, Justinian. I like that. I believe he goes by Justin. But anyway, he is just – He's like from the Justins. He's called the main Justin. He's Justinian. He speaks speaks justin okay i like it um he says i'm curious

whether you guys think that lisa rena purposely stole taylor's munchausen accusations because she wanted the storyline for herself why else is she taking all the blame do you think it's a shame that taylor isn't more involved this season i can answer the last question first yes i think it is a shame i think we need like crazy taylor all over the place how many scenes have there been with suitcases that didn't have taylor inside of them crying and drunk i mean that's just a shame what a waste of a suitcase i know well i can answer the first part, actually, because I know I am friends. And when I say friends, I mean I see these people in West Hollywood when I'm wasted drunk. OK, but someone I saw this weekend recognized the podcast or whatever. And we were talking about Rinna.

This person works over at the old Brabs in a fairly low level exec position. person works over at the old brabs uh in a fairly low level exec position but i was asking because i was very confused about the rena because she keeps saying i'm not going to tell you who told me the munchausen's it's just chatter but i'm like who's the chatter i assumed it was taylor and so i was like what's the big secret everyone knows taylor's an asshole just say taylor but she never did and they said no it's actually somebody else uh who brought it up taylor was just brought in because nobody wanted to say it on camera so taylor they basically that's amazing taylor and good taylor is basically always on a job search she's always trying to figure out how to get back on this show she's got her like little bindle, her hobo bindle behind her. And she's like, we'll we'll work for, you know, we'll gossip for money.

Pretty much. So I guess she just came on to the party to drunkenly out it. But it wasn't Taylor in the first place. It was someone completely different. And supposedly on the cast is all going to be coming out. No, it's not somebody in the cast. And that's why they're protected, because they never agreed to be on this damn TV show in the first place.

But they did not tell me who it is, so don't even bother asking me who it is. But I have a feeling that since we just hit mid-season on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we've got about eight or nine episodes to go, so this name, I'm sure, will be coming

out, and it's going to become a huge thing, and I suspect it will be a nice guest spot. Now, that said, everybody's been saying Yolanda has much asses to seats on the internet. I mean, just blame, discuss the internet comment system. Yeah, just blame eyeballs, okay? Blame having eyeballs and being able to read very basic headlines blame the human ability to infer things how about that i did not have sexual relations with that

woman yeah um bill clinton growl there yeah um lorraine andrews says dearest rnb oh my god we're a musical genre. I never even realized. These aren't Bravo-based questions. However, also another inside joke, Gretchen Voice. I want to know. She says, I want to know more about your personal sides. Oh, I wish we had a nice soft piano to play. Have either of you ever had the romantic feels for each other and or had a

drunken hookup that was never spoken about does ronnie like ben's boyfriend so that's the first one she has history um uh i'm sorry ronnie i don't have romantic feels for you i just have friend feels oh whatever ben this would be very awkward if now be the moment that you said that you have a crush on me uh i actually when i started writing for Chiasm, I saw Ben's picture and was like, oh, my God, I'm going to marry him. Because I never met anyone that handsome who was also just so funny and snarky. And I had never read funny TV recaps. I was totally in love. And I had not met you in real life yet.

And I went to the bookstore and I read in a book. You know the big birthday book? Do you know what that is? I'm sure you guys know what it is. It's called the birthday book. It's this humongous blue book. It looks like an encyclopedia and you can look up your date and your year and it gives you a sign. But then they came out with another one called Relationships, like this language

of relations, whatever. That's a red book. I'm so bad. But anyway, you can look up your day and the other person's birthday, and it gives you a personalized horoscope based on your birthday. So I found out your birthday from, just how you're built or whatever. And I remember that from that day. And so when I met you in real life, I thought you were just as cute in real life. And we met in the gym, oddly enough.

I hadn't met you before then, hadn't I? I remember we ran into each other. No, we met for the first time in the gym. Okay. You were looking in the gym, oddly enough. I hadn't met you before then, hadn't I? I remember we ran into each other. No, we met for the first time in the gym. Oh, okay. You were looking in the mirror. I was checking out a guy. And I was asking you. And you were like, are you Ronnie?

And that's how we met in real life. And so I knew, even though I thought you were cute, I was like, nope, the relationship book is always right. So I just never, I don't know. It's like it prevented a boner. Isn't that weird? Yeah. That's what books do. That's what books do. They prevent boners.

How many times do you have to regen air before your penis just falls off? Yeah, no. We never had a drunken hookup or anything like that. You don't really get drunk enough to do that. I have to say. Unless you just don't do it around me, but you're not really a drunk. And I actually very rarely have had any drunken hookups. My hookups are usually like super sober.

I have drunken makeouts, but then I go to bed. My penis wants a day off too. Like when I drink, my penis is drunk too. It's like, nope, good night. Does Ronnie like my boyfriend? I hope so. I love him. Yeah, he's like my boyfriend i hope so i love him yeah he's great i love him i love him yeah uh he he is lovely and he also likes ronnie which is

nice because he is you know you know there are people that he likes and people that he is like not as big of a fan of um and ronnie he's very talented he's very cute he's very talented. He's very cute. He's very intelligent. And he has got so much shade inside of him. But it's tempered shade, which I really like. He does it right. He has blinds that automatically come down or automatically go up and there needs to be less shade. He knows. He's not like me who will just go tell somebody off in a bar just because I feel like it.

He's very tempered. Like, he knows when to bring it out and when to leave it inside. That's an important quality in a man. Plus, he also, he has this look. He's very much, I used to call him Dave Arbuckle. But I actually think he's more like Garfield because he loves lasagna. But you know how, like, when Dave or Garfield are, like, like not impressed with something how their eyelids come halfway down and they're like yes that's what he can do it's just hilarious he really does um do we know each other's parents

and family well uh not really I met your I met your parents briefly I don't think you've met my parents uh I've not met your parents yet but my parents uh i don't have any crazy siblings i have an older brother but he's not crazy he's like very normal and suburban um and my parents do support the podcast and i think they're really impressed actually at this point at how how well it's doing so that's that's very cool my dad my dad listens for the first 25 seconds because he says he likes to listen to the song and then he likes to hear my voice and then he turns it off because he has no idea what we're talking about nor does he care my parents are very supportive of everything they're very nice and like we're

very close i've talked about my mom enough on here i'm basically my mom my my parents have met ben they both love ben and my mom said that i need to find a ben mom. My parents have met Ben. They both love Ben. My mom said that I need to find a Ben in real life. A real life Ben. I said a real life Ben would have divorced me years ago. This Ben hasn't divorced me because he's limited to six hours a week. Real life Ben would have been

out the door. I need them way less secure than you. They're both great. My sister's totally normal, nice, takes care of me. She's the younger sister, but also the best. She's like Monica from Friends. She takes care of me. I'm really lucky with my family, and they're very supportive.

Also, the last part of Lorraine's question is, I know you're close, which means you have to get on each other's nerves sometimes. Is it difficult having to work with a best friend? No, it's really easy. It really, really is easy. I think because we started from a working place. Like we started working with each other before hanging out.

I think we've definitely spent more hours working together than we have hanging out. But it's so fun to me and our work is so fun to us all we do is this i'm laying on a couch right now smoking a vape and like i'm laying down petting my dog talking to ben and laughing my ass off so i love it yeah no it's it's great and like i said before the only time i ever get annoyed is when we're when we're approaching hour three and i haven't eaten and i'm starving and you know ronnie's on a rant about something about like a teacup and i like you know white jeans if he's if he's going on his white jeans ramp rant again i'm always like oh my god i need to eat if i have to hear about the white jeans one more time it's okay you can always rant about

the white jeans but one thing i will say for you and for me i think that helps our relationship is we just tell each other yeah and it's over we don't get hurt feeling and it's honestly it's never it's never it really is it's fine we're lucky i think we both know how fucking lucky we are at the end of the day yeah exactly um oh my god we have actually so many good questions this week but we can't do them all because people I do have to make a request that people like don't have like multi-tiered questions because I come on be like oh we only have five questions and each one is like ten questions inside it

but I do want to ask this one use this one because Karen, Karen Zarowitz who we met in Austin. Love you KSR I still have my Crap by Crap West pin you made us yeah yeah uh karen made us these crap by crap west buttons as you just said and uh it was awesome um we met karen and her daughter and she said when ben said his rent was going up five hundred dollars a month

i loudly gasped me too girl i actually peed on the floor darling if they did that here in texas you'd be getting a second floor as an add-on so i up my pledge and now i get to ask you guys stuff so thank you karen for upping your pledge and joining the crappins mailbag holler karen upped her pledge to five hundred dollars a month more you don't have to move that was great karen is ours she's no longer the super premium scrapper she's our boss so um two questions karen has two questions i'm going to costa rica next month to celebrate my mumble mumble birthday with my sisters in true housewives tradition i need something to garner attention what would you suggest fake product promotion

hire a boyfriend stage a fight with the sister twerk um well since you're going to costa rica you'll need something mexican right because it's a city in me Rica, you'll need something Mexican, right? Because it's a city in Mexico. So you'll need a sombrero. That was an Alexis Bellino reference, by the way. Don't leave me hanging like that, Ronnie. A Selena reference? Don't make me cry. I'm from El Paso.

Alexis Bellino reference. Oh, I was going to say Selena. Why would you have a Selena reference? Sorry. But, Karen, you can wear a Selena t-shirt if that makes you feel better. You need a busboy from Andalas. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. Andalas, yeah.

Yeah, just say you're going to learn how to give chemo and then go to Andalas and just learn to be a busboy and deliver queso to the table. Because that used to be Brooks' chemo. Yeah. Well, I had to stop chemo, and so i ordered another round with it and extra chips like that's queso you idiot and then karen asks if you're a housewife what fake product would you shill it has to be something that hasn't already been done so no mineral infused water cheap wine or cut fitness franchises well i think i know i would have to show my own think thin bar something it'll be sort of like feel skinny. Although that's probably infringing on Bethany.

Mine would be a glue gun. Just because I would love to just tell people just glue gunning. I don't know why. I know that's lame, but I'm sticking with it. I want to go on the Sonia Morgan path, and I want to shill in oversized household appliance that people would not expect me to shill. So I would be shilling, like, a dehydrator. That's a big – Ben's dehydrator. So if you want to make jerky, you know, everyone needs to make jerky. You know, people love coming to my home for jerky.

Like, all the time – you know, when Milu was alive, Milu was a very proud jerky eater, and he would always ask for it. It could be you looking way too sexy on the box of, like, a jerky machine. You put in a slab of beef, and Bethany comes out. No one knows how to be more dried out than Sonia Morgan and her new partner, Ben Mandelkerk. Smells like jerky. Yeah. So anyway, we have more questions, but we will get to them on Thursday. How about that?

So Mackenzie and Lori and Sammy and Lola and Michael Horn. Oh, actually, Lola has a really quick question, which I really like. It's a callback to our House of Hodondes. She says, what's worse, Potomac Karen's boobs in that pink dress or Hitler? Oh, God. I guess Hitler on the technicality that he killed millions and millions of Jews. But the boobs are not far behind. It's like they're like Mussolini level.

I feel like Hitler actually put all these Jews into the shower and like, you know, gas them and stuff. I think that Karen's boobs could suffocate a million boobs, but she's not doing it yet. So I have to say Hitler as well. I feel like she's holding thanksgiving day balloons hostage i think that's what she's doing she's like no no you're two floats behind i'm keeping these here in my dress i think that girl's just waiting to become famous enough to go on survivor and still have a water supply that she just has to poke but she she's gonna be foiled when she learns that you can't drink saline i think her breasts are actually currently showing on like

the bosom version of i'm a celebrity get me out of here i'm a celebrity boob get me out of this dress heidi and spencer are each in one boob just trying to get out of here yeah that pretty much sums it up so those things are insanity though seriously yeah they are too big for somebody talks about what i would come out with i have a new product that i would come out with if I was a housewife. A back brace. Yeah. A back brace for when your insecurity tits are so big that you're starting to get scoliosis in your 40s, okay?

It's just going to help your back. Yeah, that's for you, Big Ange. We'll send a back brace up to the sky. No, she held him loud and proud. Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off no i i didn't mean i wasn't expecting you to speak so i i gave you the hook the clown came on stage and took you off you're off the Apollo stage silence i'm like keep talking keep talking i saw um what's that movie i'm mad as hell and i'm not gonna take it anymore

network network i was like no dead air okay no dead no dead air speaking of dead air adria's dead rattle or death rattle you know you know what i actually really wanted to do on uh this episode but i feel like since we've already spent so much time on the mailbag i should probably wait i really wanted to take some time to go through caroline fleming's instagram because i was looking at it last night she just cracks me up her instagram i think that that has to be the next bony next bony okay next bony we're going to we're going to uh we're going to clear the phlegm out of our throats that's that's what the segment would be called clearing the phlegm

out and we're going to look at caroline fleming's instagram because it is priceless i cleared the phlegm and there were 30 people taking my pictures i'm sorry you had to deal with that how about i just look at one of them? How about I read just one of the captions? Okay. Because, okay, which was the one that cracked me up? Okay, it was, hmm. It's a picture of her just standing with a purse with her head cocked to the side looking, you know, absolutely stylish and beautiful as always. Just, hello out there.

Sometimes it's hard to even get out of bed. I know. In difficult times, it works wonders. If you give yourself time to really take care of yourself, only when you take care of yourself can you really care for others. Walk slowly, bathe slowly, dress slowly, eat slowly. Try and find

a moment to reflect and balance all that hurts with all that's good. I know that life is a roller coaster at times but there's always a light at the end of the tunnel hashtag hashtag bag because she's holding a bag because she's holding a bag oh my god who was searching that hashtag but first of all I love her mixed metaphor of that life is a rollercoaster, but there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Like, girl, what sort of rollercoaster are you on? She's probably on that snow mountain one. I think so. She's on Space Mountain. Yeah, Space Mountain. Or the other one, the Himalayan Monster Mountain. She's like, I will not go to Shut Up Mountain. I only go to Space Mountain.

Or, life is only go to Space Mountain. Or... Life is like going through Space Mountain and waiting until the stars turn into brightness and then you get to wait in line for another ride that lasts five seconds. When life... When life seems to be too difficult,

remember you can always get a fast pass to the Matterhorn. Hashtag Tall Road. Okay, thanks, Gino. too difficult remember you can always get a fast pass to the matterhorn hashtag toll road okay hashtag gloves hashtag what gloves gloves i saw one that she wrote a long time ago and she's like oh the flint michigan water crisis aren't we lucky to have bottled water at times? I'm like, really? Please tell me you're not showing a picture of you drinking something while you're talking about the water crisis, bitch. She's like, to save the people in Flint, I have sent three bags of corn chips. Wait, one more.

I have one salty snacks for the people of Flint. Well, I've got to do one more. I'm one more. I've sent salty snacks to the people of Flint. Well, I've got to do one more. I'm sorry. It's just too funny. There's one. Here's a picture of like it's a vase of flowers and some chocolatey things in little like cupcake wrappers. And the caption is, Do you remember these from the good old days?

Cornflakes and chocolate mine are made with gluten-free wheat-free cornflakes with a sauce made of coconut oil raw cacao and maple syrup a good stir and then in the freezer to set for 15 minutes such a delicious after-school snack xx oh she's going to school there's the big news i guess she's talking about her kids i just i just love how she first tries to like um home home in home in on like nostalgia and then lays in all this obnoxious like whole foods shit of like gluten-free wheat-free cornflakes and foie cacao like the good old days could you imagine somebody in the depression saying they're gluten-free they would have their they would be decapitated in the bread line okay remember the good old days when all we had was raw cacao how lucky were we remember the good old days when photographers used to follow me around

with real cameras now it's so much easier to have five followers because they all have something in the phone that was in their pocket. Oh, my God. I really must apologize for the photographers. They follow me always to the Rock a Cow aisle. Isn't that the most wonderful flavor, that Rock a Cow? Isn't it the most wonderful flavor? It's almost like Aquavie. Isn't it the most wonderful flavor?

The cow's disgusting. Fucking eat a Snickers, for Christ's sake. Expensive, shitty chocolate. Oh, Fleming. Fleming, Fleming, Fleming. Darling, clear Snickers for Christ's sake. Expensive, shitty chocolate. Oh, Fleming. Fleming, Fleming, Fleming. Clear her. Clear the Flem. Clear. Clear the Flem.

Rainier. It's all going in the glossary. Get her out of the burn unit. Clean the Flem off the ground. Thank you, darling. It's all going right into the glossary. Well, Fleming's going to have her own chapter in the glossary. That's for sure. She's an idiot.

Speaking of idiots, you want to start with Real Housewives of Atlanta? Or Real Housewives of Potomac? Let's say Atlanta. Oh, and I also want to say hi to, I'm sorry because I don't remember if her name is Mika or Micah, but Mika slash Micah, who is one of our listeners,

who also goes to Tiago Coffee Shop, and every now and then, we cross paths, and she says, hi. So I'm saying hi back, Mika. Thank you for listening and going to Tiago. I don't know why that reminded Ben of Real Housewives of Atlanta,

but you should be. No, because I wrote down in my notes, I was going to say hi at the top of the show, and say thank you for listening, but now i i missed it i'm sorry i'm just basically delaying this entire podcast itunes reviews going through the basement so real housewives of atlanta we're still on this exquisite trip that uncle ben has planned himself which i'm so sure that guy didn't even pay his own gas to get to Charlotte To not work at that restaurant

Where he sits out there all day Asking for money to get there I'm not buying it Real Housewives of Atlanta Neither is Peter I'll tell you that much At least we got to see The end of this party Where Sheree's like Now

Kim You're like I don't want to be fake Sharae's like, Now, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim,

Kim, Kim, People are telling that your husband is Fruity and Gay. And Kim goes, what? She goes, Fruity. You know. Okay. You know. Homosexual. You know. Fudge packer.

You know. Fruity and Gay. Fruity and Gay. Fruity and Gay. Which is also a rejected name of a cereal. Fruity and Gay. This is going to be Kenya's cereal. Her next entrepreneurial thing karen

uh kim feels not shocked at all she's heard this a million times you could just see it in her face where she's like this again yeah it looks like she's been asked this 5 000 times and she goes kim is learning to read as we see through this episode. And so now she says really sassy things like, Don't let me cut these women with my mouth. I'm like, what? What are they, like a plastic bag you can't get open? Who cuts things with their mouth? Just get back to carpool, Kim.

It's time. It's time. We'll send you a Rafi CD. Just get back in the car. Things that Kim cuts with her mouth. What's that mean? I mean mean i'm glad she's trying and she goes well thank you all so much for talking about me my husband but um chris is a very good husband and father and we're good i'm like um so he's gay but he's still a good husband and father because that was not an answer.

Yeah, that was not an answer. All she had to say was, Mom, jean dockers. That's all she had to say. There's no gay man weirdos. No. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So Sheree makes it even worse. Kim's just trying to get out of this by being like, uh, I love my husband, thanks though, bitches,

by staying calm and, you know, celebrating thiscial that she just did that made no sense uh so sheree makes it even worse and she's like okay well i just wanted to tell you me vedra and porsche googled him which is we like him and it was like the new one was like yeah we think it's just terrible that people are saying he's gay. Absolutely terrible. Like, it's so inappropriate. It's uncalled for. And cutting him the night before being like, ah, he's gay.

And I like how Phaedra can make anything sound like she's making a gay innuendo. She'd be like, Honey, the key is on the ring. And you're like, what? She's got a little quad on her. She does. She just closes her eyes with her eyes a little bit. And it nods like she's confused and then says really stupid shit.

But we're like, yeah, sounds amazing. sounds amazing you're great yeah she basically just says he certainly likes uh and then you just put in a noun it's like mad libs you know be like hmm he certainly likes a sidewalk well that chris certainly likes his table that chris certainly likes a cumulus cloud she's probably gonna come out with that and just call it her own thing yeah it's like well it's sentences but they're missing certain words and then you put in a word um so kenya is looking furious like she cannot believe that all these women are refusing to call him a fagito burrito right to Kim's face. And she goes, well, have you heard the rumors? We don't care if you're having sex problems, Kim. No, Kenya does the classic Kenya thing.

And it's so awful, but I laugh every time because it's so blatantly underhanded. I laugh every time because it's so blatantly underhanded. She's like, listen, Kim, you know, whether your husbands are gay or whether you're just like massively in debt, like whatever the problem is in the bedroom, we don't care. We just want to see the real you. I'm like, where did the debt thing go? It's like she just throws things in there. Listen, whether you've tried an assassination attempt on the president, whether you're stressed about your husband being gay, we just want your bedroom life

to be happy. We're not mad about you killing JFK. We're just saying we want you to be able to talk about it with us. Maybe you're stressed because your career hasn't really been doing anything for 20 years. I don't know. But we don't care. We just want you to be happy.

She's such a bitch, this one. And when she says, Kim, we just feel like you're reading from a script. At least she's had scripts sent to her that she reads from, Kenya. You don't know how stupid you sound. The only script you've ever read is shit that you write yourself and make zero sense.

Okay, lady? She's awful. So so kim is doing this kim is cracking me up with her she's getting mad but she doesn't really know how to express her anger at all and she goes she flipped off the camera she's like ah flick here's my, flip the bird. And then she goes, oh, I guess I'm supposed to write. I'm like, uh, okay. All right. Is that some sort of innuendo about something? Like some illusion?

Good one, Kim. You really made a withering indictment on the state of gestures. I refuse to kowtow to anybody else's gestures okay except that you just flipped the bird which everybody does every day so way to make a stand so then nini says which is hilarious to me oh you know guys this is just harmful to the kids and i don't like it because kids will hear about this i'm like uh have you ever watched yourself on this show i know and the things that you have said about people on this show they have kids too you know i'm doing a whole 180 on nini these days by the way because she has been

absolutely hilarious like when shiree came out with the so yours so people say that you know your husband might be gay for you gay and they cut they cut to Nini, and she does this thing with her face. Her face just turns into a T. She does just... And she... I mean, the look on that face, it just cracked me. I mean, she's been hilarious. She's been...

Nini has been fun and nice and funny, which is exactly the way we like her. Well, this is when we like Nini. This is how she started. This is when we like her. And we're like, oh my god. Nene is good. It's when she turns into a diva. I don't even want to say Nene, because that's what she calls it.

And I wouldn't even call it that, because it's not just like an evil version. It's like the horrible human being lurking underneath. Yeah. And it will come out. You know, Shamu looks nice, doesn't he? He's splashing you. You're all having fun. And then he drowns the trainer

yeah we all saw jurassic world so you know the thing is that um that nini like i don't mind when she goes off on people because then she she is such a she's got such a what is it silver tongue sharp tongue whatever it is she is hilarious when she goes off in people too but it's just that in the past few seasons when she's been going off on people she we haven't been on her side or at least i haven't been i've usually felt like it's been coming from a spoiled self-entitled place as opposed to like the season one when she was going after charrette all the time that was great yeah and she doesn't have a sharp tongue she's got like a blunt instrument she just like goes and whacks people and you're like what what where what was she even aiming for

nobody knows she doesn't even make sense she'll be well you can't shade me i'm that what are you even talking what are you mad about can you just start with it let's let's outline this a i'm mad and then put a little one under the a come on nini how about nini going after star jones remember that on the celebrity apprentice now that was great that was good and nobody even knew what that was about either there was no reason she just didn't like star jones and she would yell at her and then when she called to quit she was donald's like hello and nini just says i i quit and he's like what what you're quitting what you're a loser what are you quitting you loser and

she's like when you've treated star jones unfairly compared to me then it's time to say goodbye look what did he even do with to star jones and this could be our next president nobody has ever even accused anybody of being too nice to star jones i don't think it's ever happened oh good old star yeah that's our next president. You idiot! This is when I'm taking too much notes when I write things like this. Oliver brushes teeth. That's a good sign. Really? Like a five second scene.

You're going to talk about Oliver brushing his teeth? No. No, you're not. Kenya, this is in the next morning. They're getting ready to go for some hike or something and Kenya's boyfriend Matt that lick lip that his anger his anger slash confused

look where he's just kind of looking out around the room but doing his days of our lives eyebrows look like he's concentrating on something but nothing is happening and he's just licking his lips over and over again I love a hot man with an Adderall prescription. So this is the big breakfast. The big brunch with NeNe, Kim Fields, and Phaedra.

This is funny. This is a funny scene. NeNe's boobs. I know that we're talking about boobs so much. But NeNe's boobs and her testimon that we're talking about boobs so much, but Nene's boobs and her testimonial were giant in our face, and Karen's. I'm not really sure what's going on on Sunday nights

on Bravo, but Tonetown, ladies! Jesus Christ! It's really getting out of hand. It's actually getting out of brassiere. That's what it is. It looks like a Bellino jumpy house farm. I i know you guys are really i know you guys are really making alexis bolino seem understated that's never a good thing

nini is having breakfast with her pocahontas braid that's a different color than her hair oh yeah um so the big thing i just wrote boobs hair i need to concentrate damn it um blah blah blah i've been there but you okay so nini's saying did you have fun kim and kim's like yeah except for kenya am i right trying to laugh about it but she's still infuriated because she didn't have her you know husband to go talk to about it last night so she's still pissed yeah and nini's like well i know what it's like when she comes after you for no reason uh no you know actually you went after kenya for no reason because of marlo she's like i know because i've taught her that yeah i taught

her everything that she knows so she says um you must address it it's very important to talk about it nini aren't you the one who didn't come back because you were sick of addressing it and you So she says, you must address it. It's very important to talk about it. Meanie, aren't you the one who didn't come back because you were sick of addressing it and you refused to have discussions with anybody else ever? Yeah. Don't you remember your therapy session with Dr. Jeff? Don't you remember that? Meanie? Meanie?

Meanie, come back here. Meanie? Meanie? Meanie? Meanie, come back. When they showed that clip i was lulling okay yeah that was a great episode so phaedra comes down dressed like i don't know born on the fourth of july her yeah yeah she had that weird red white and blue

situation happening it was very intense she was basically dressed as tom cruise's psyche born on the fourth of july She looked like those flags that go look like one of those flags that goes on like a porch railing, you know those like half circles. That's what she looked like. And where do you get those things by the way? I'd like to know. She looked like she robbed two different July 4th parties

because like they had different different flags and she just wore them both like look. She looked like she was she looked like she was she looked like she was off to the democratic national convention okay like because people for some reason for conventions people wear crazy ass red white and blue outfits you know those like styrofoam white hats with that's what she was wearing delegate wear she's delegate chic delegate chic i'm just cracking myself up over here everyone don't mind me

oh hold on I need to shift I need to shift in my hospital bed don't make Kim excited she's like your shift? are we in a carpool? oh no so Phaedra's saying I had okay what is she saying? she's like oh

she's doing some Kenyan saying? She's like, oh. She made it, she's just, she's doing some Kenyan impersonations. She's like, oh girl, I had a flashback. I love when she gets so dramatic in her talk. She says, that woman's like a rattlesnake. You need to chop his head off dead. I'm like, whoa,

damn. Because if you chop its tail off, it'll still be alive, but you chop its head off. That's what she was saying. And Kim, I'm not going down to that level. And Phaedra's like, the only way to stop a bully is to punch him straight in the face. Please do it. So now Kim and Phaedra, Kim's like, I don't know how to do that.

So Nini and Phaedra are going to tell Kim how to read. and Phaedra are going to tell Kim how to read. This was basically like the Real Housewives of Atlanta version of Neo learning Kung Fu in the Matrix. Essentially, Nini is Morpheus now, okay? And they are in a fake dojo

and Kim is learning. They're going to be having Kim jumping off of buildings, landing in pavement, and like sinking into the pavement and bouncing back up. And then Nini's going to be having him jumping off the buildings, landing in pavement, and sinking into the pavement and bouncing back up. And then Nina's going to go, again! This is like Fantasia Barrino teaching an English class, okay? And I hate to say Tom Cruise again because I just mentioned him. But that's like Tom Cruise, like, okay, I'm going to read you The Great Gatsby.

No, you're not. It's going to be a muddled, backwards, crazy mess, okay, I'm going to read you The Great Gatsby. No, you're not. It's going to be a muddled backwards crazy mess. Do not go to read school taught by Tom Cruise or Fantasia Burrito. It's not going to work. And it's actually those comparisons are apt because

Are they? Yes, because Nini and Phaedra don't read either. They don't make any damn sense when they do it nini just yells and screams she doesn't ever say anything that makes sense claudia jordan off the old block on the ceiling how dare you talk look what she's just yelling and screaming a lot she's never after going after anything real yeah i mean i think if anything it was i i think claudia jordan is the reigning queen of that.

I think also Sheree. I mean, Sheree was, you know, fix your teeth. I don't know. Yeah, she comes with actual things to say. Yeah, who's going to check me through? Yeah, she's got the wit, not just the bluster. But Nini and Phaedra read. They definitely read.

But Nini, yes, Nini is more just sound. Nini is more just. Yeah, Phaedra is actually better with it. Nini and Phaedra read. They definitely read. But Nini, yes. Nini is more just sound. Nini is more just... Yeah, Phaedra is actually better with it. Nini, yeah. She's like one of those little keychains with sound effects. Yeah. All of a sudden, you hear a fart.

You're like, who did that come from? Someone's keychain. Hey, who's got the Mr. T keychain? You hear that? That's Nini. My aunt gave me the Mr. T one. What you talking about? What did he say?

What did he used to say? Yeah. I'll play it for next time. So they're trying to teach her, and they do role playing where Portia plays. I'm trying to get my roles right. Phaedra plays Kim, or what Kim should be. And, no, wait. No, no.

Phaedra was being, was being, what's her face? Kenya. Yes, Kenya. And she kept just repeating kind of the same things. It was good.

It was a good impersonation. I would say. No, it was good it was a good impersonation no it was amazing i thought you were gonna say more sorry that's why i paused i thought you were gonna say more oh no no i'm just waiting um but yeah they were doing this whole thing and phaedra was saying things like now don't you know that i've been part of hollywood royalty and nini's like i ain't never seen you in black ho've been part of hollywood royalty and nini's like i never seen you in black hollywood or white hollywood and then phedra because she'll always go in with whatever she's really thinking anyway it's like well what about your husband being gay because your husband is so gay i've never seen a husband with a dick implant or a dick imprint on the inside of his cheek before.

Whatever. She's like going full in on the gay thing. Yeah, it was. I know. That's what I love. The role play was curiously honest. It was basically just now Phaedra can say whatever she wants to your face without you getting mad at her. Yeah.

And Kim's like. So she goes in on the gay thing. And this is what Nene does she doesn't read she throws books at people okay now this is when nini gets good she goes now hold on bitch meanwhile they're also like it's breakfast time at the hotel and there's like families there and they're like screaming this shit pager's out of chair, twirling around in circles. She twirls endlessly. That was pretty good.

So we see Todd and Candy in their midget lease. Oh, yeah. Todd's got a new car. And it costs more than the old lady gang combined. Is this when they went to the hookah lounge? Yes. Okay, so I have things to say about this do it so todd tucker is going to uh they're looking for chefs to to run the old lady gang

restaurant i still really despise that name for a restaurant old lady gang and i can't stand the marketing conceit of having these women being unwanted posters i mean this is just like so beyond awful i trusted the food would be amazing but this is so beyond awful so they're going to find a chef to execute these family recipes so where do they go they go to a hookah lounge my goodness a hookah lounge and then it's so good when she says well where'd you find this where'd you find this chef and he like, I was just here for a birthday party one time, and I thought the food was good, so I asked if you wanted to be our chef.

Like, wow, way to research, Todd. Yeah, I know, exactly. What happened to Chef Roble? Isn't he doing something? They bring Chef Roble in for every small little party, and then when they finally need to hire a chef, no Roble to be found. They probably watch this show and know that he's a damn mess.

I don't know. Did you ever watch the Chef Roble show? I never watched it. What's that? Oh, Thicker Than Water. I can't believe that's coming back. Oh, I know. I don't know about that one.

I think I'd rather watch Tour Group. Oh, no. I'm going to watch Tour Group. I just don't. I'm not watching Thicker Than Water. I would rather have the New Atlanta come back. Oh, no, I'm going to watch Tour Group. I just don't. I'm not watching Thicker Than Water. I would rather have the New Atlanta come back. Oh, my God. Is that coming back?

Probably not. The New Atlanta. It's dead. That one show. Let's stick with the old Atlanta. There were like three women named Emily on that show. And then there was that asshole named Vaughn who was just like, remember, he was like, listen, I can sleep with whoever i want as long as i tell you that's all anyway it's not cheating i told you i was gonna do it yeah or i told you i did it

stupid asshole do it after the fact okay so anyway we're back at this uh restaurant and uh they're basically trying to please aunt bertha who will not be pleased by anything and then we're watching candy eat everything on the table while porn music plays yeah she's like They're basically trying to please Aunt Bertha, who will not be pleased by anything. And then we're watching Candy eat everything on the table while porn music plays. She's like, see? No. Cornbread. It's good.

I like it. She's like, mmm. So it ends with Bertha's critique is hilarious she's like i wouldn't have all now see look if you're gonna make some food i don't know if you should have all greens on the plate no one wants to see greens and then her sister's like when you make things look nice you gotta put the greens on the plate you got to i ain't eating those greens like her big her big the biggest offense was that there were green things on her i know she didn't like my restaurant they're like you said yours so she's decided to be in which means nothing she's still gonna well she thought that means nothing. She's still going to do nothing. Well, she thought the ribs were off the chain.

Oh, yeah, that was good. I'm just loving the idea of this restaurant because they're not going to be cooking and they're not going to be working, but it's going to be named after them. So you're going to have these three bitches walking around the restaurant just like what? Being rude to people? I mean, what are they going to do? It's going to be like Rocco. It's not one of the nicest ladies in the world. It'll be like Rocco Desperado's show remember that one the restaurant and he would make his

grandma's meatballs and she would sit there in the corner and she would sometimes make the meatballs and that was it and they'd like hug and kiss at the end of the night yes but they showed what a douchebag he was oh man he sure got tricked into that one i don't think that he understood that they're gonna really show his personality oh yeah because there were there were two seasons of that show i think in the first season i didn't watch but the second season i watched and that's when I think that he understood that they're going to really show his personality. Oh, yeah. Because there were two seasons of that show, I think. And the first season I didn't watch, but the second season I watched. And that's when Rocco was fighting with basically the guy who funded the restaurant. I forget his name, but he's a very prominent restaurateur.

And man, did Rocco look idiotic. He really did. He looked like a total idiot. Totally. So, let's go like a total idiot. Totally. So let's go back to Jamaica's. Yeah. Kim is sitting with her babysitter. Exciting.

What's the point? And then she calls her husband to tell him that everybody went on Google to see whether or not he's gay. And then he doesn't really say much except when they google you you got him shook and then he says you know what google has more on every one of those women and their husbands than they ever will on me so you know tell them to go look up their own headshot or their own mug shots on he wasn't wrong ever he wasn't wrong yeah he was totally right yeah but still no one said that he's not gay. Yeah. Well, the best is, though, then she starts to get, she's like, sometimes, you know, like when David put on Saul's armor and it was too big and he wanted to go, but he's like, are you getting biblical on me?

Especially, why are you bringing up Saul? I mean, as someone who was raised with the Bible, I know that Saul was like not great. And then when he became converted and Christian-y or whatever he changed his name to Paul so why would you bring up something about your gay husband when Saul changed his name and converted later in life

you know my favorite biblical teen comedy is called She Saw That she's Paul whenid came down that staircase and he had removed his glasses and let his hair down wow what a moment it's like do you remember when david first went to the lions club and it was too hot so they turned on the air conditioning he's like no that's not how the bible works it was a lion's den he almost died oh you're right

you're right what would I do without you Chrissy the bible school with Kim Fields so back on the bus Peter god they spent so much time on the bus the only reason why 2D has lasted this long on this vacation is because they spent half the time

in a ride share. Because there's a lot of traffic in Jamaica that they get to stop in traffic for. She just gets to sit there and wait. She loves it. Well, no. She's like, she is putting in Peter Pan

Part 3, Tinkerbell's Saga. And she's like come on everyone i've got granola snacks for all of you wait the bus is stopping maybe we should pick up another kid ask their mother if he has any dietary restrictions just do it anyway go on so they're back on this bus and peter is still pretending to plan things which is hilarious because i'm sure peter went hiking in j in Jamaica all the time. Shut up, Peter. So they go hiking, and this is a lesson in teamwork.

And Kenya has the nuts, which I believe that she possibly could have them literally, says, if last night is any indication, these bitches will let me drown in the river. There's not going to be any teamwork. What about last night when I was trying to work as a team to ruin someone else's reputation on national television? Where was the teamwork then? Yeah. Bitch. And then Phaedra for no reason. I don't even know why she was

laughing, but then insert the Phaedra. Ha! Um, so um so i just wrote kenya you filled the bathtub drowning it i don't know what that meant okay so kenya you fake fitness bitches okay so kenya is still mad about donkey booty or whatever so she's running up with her rented boyfriend all the way to the top before anybody else she's obnoxious i don't even know why i'm riding this stand all right dinner it was like it was a totally like it was like a total the waterfall thing was totally like unremarkable porsche twerked and that was it they got the top they were mad that kenya went off by herself which i think i don't i didn't realize the waterfall was supposed to be like a team building exercise just get to the top bitch yeah anyways they go to dinner everyone else is at the

bottom go team that's how can you like to team so then we go to dinner because all they do on the show is eat pretty much i think the reason they put in the hiking thing i don't know it had to be a joke the bus broke down basically they're like the restaurants at the top of the waterfall everyone go so dinner uh they were making chickens on the grill and they were whole chickens that were spread open like their legs were wide open and phaedra's like look at those chickens with their legs i have to say you keep playing, and it sounds like me. It sounds like the same thing.

It really does. Love it. So I love that Phaedra can even make a sex joke with a bunch of dead chickens on a grill. The men and the women separate, I think, at this point. Of course, yeah. And Peter is smoking a big joint man bob whitfield was cross-eyed enough don't give him a giant doobie like that man yeah the guys are all stoned and sweaty and drunk and like full of chicken and they are just i don't

remember what they were saying but they were just oh well matt's like i love kenya you know and so then they're like oh he, Matt said he loved Kenya. Matt said he loved Kenya. And then they were just like laughing and slapping each other. And I don't even know if they even realized what they were doing. I think they probably don't even remember it. I don't either. But yeah, Peter was still giving Matt shit.

And Matt was just good spirited about it this time. Yeah, this time he was okay about it. And Peter said something like, oh, I love that Kenya. And he said, I do too. Yeah, that's what it was. Which Peter later turns it into, he said he loved you. Yeah, he wants to get married to you. So we're going to provide some Peter's brew for the wedding.

All right, everybody. Now go into that ice chest, get some Michelob Ultras, and tear the labels off. We can't have the wedding until we've got some blank bottles. We can have the reception under a highway. It's a team building exercise. This is how you see Jamaica. So they're

having their own fun and then the women are left to their own devices and start let me see here, talk of Kenya blah blah Kenya's fake storylines are really starting to bore me she's got another fake boyfriend none of her fights are real she's not even mad at kim fields for anything real she's really starting to get on my nerves can i just point out that greg is wearing a glitter hat that says faith. What does that mean? What is Greg?

Does Greg ever make sense? He did something this episode. I forget what it was, but I was like, what is he even doing? What is he even saying? He did something so it was like for one second and I was like what is this man? He was standing in a bathtub. He's like, look at me in a bathtub. Look, baby, here I am in the bathtub. Just kind of like waiting back

and forth in a bathtub. That was all it was. True. So they start talking. Of course, Nini brings up. She's like, well, today we were at brunch and we talked about Kenya. And so Kenya looks, you know, miserable, which is my favorite Kenya look. Like a Disney villain who's been foiled. Yeah.

Like an Ursula who sees a little mermaid running on the beach. And then she makes fun of Kim. She's like, before we start talking, do you want to pray first? So they start talking about this and Mimi starts her therapist thing again. Except this time she didn't make the mistake of bringing in that idiot therapist

from the last time she tried this and had to storm off set. Mimi? Mimi? Mimi? Mimi? Mimi? You realize you're flirting with a Shannon Medora voice. That's what he sounds like, that guy. Listen to him. Mimi? Mimi? Mimi? Mimi? Mimi?

Why did you take me to the scouts shop pub? Mimi? Mimi? Now, Mimi, look deep inside of yourself and ask yourself, what has more fat? A steak or a salad? Here lies Nini Leakes killed by giant boobs

From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey And I'm Conscious Lee What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February.

And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some as a fighter for black rights. She is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.

Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Black is beautiful. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Harold, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student

to make The List, Bishop Grey's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost?

Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. All I tried to tell NeNe Leakes was don't sleep on your back. What's she been? Every day I have 40 to 50 breast implants. I'm sorry, everyone.

I apologize. I apologize. You know what? The coffee is wearing off. The brain is slowing down again. Words are just coming out, but I can't guarantee that they'll make any sense. Uh-oh. We're only halfway through Atlanta.

I know. Okay. Well, this fight is 10 paragraphs on my page but it doesn't really need to be nini starts this big therapy with kenya and they're basically all trying to tell kenya at the same time you're a fucking bitch just stop being a fucking bitch kenya yeah so kenya as she does and in her kenya way turns it all around to how she's the big victim and yes okay maybe pulling kim's chair wasn't nice of her but it's because cynthia hurt her feelings so this is all cynthia's fault yeah she turned it on cynthia

which is good because she knows cynthia's an easy mark oh and then can you try in this spirit of being nice because kim kim's read was hilarious because it wasn't a read. It was like yelling at Sebastian. Now, listen here, young man. I am your mother. No salt. And you're not going to change that. And you cannot like me, but you will respect me. And you will not eat more salt than you were allowed. If I walk towards that pantry one more time, you are going to get a spanking on your badanking.

Do you understand me? Yeah, I really liked it when Kim Fields told Kenya that she was going to take away her dinosaurs. I thought that was an effective approach. And Kenya's like, what does Kim? The only fossil I see around here is your career. Well,

you had to have one for it to be fossilized. Bitch, where's yours? Ain't no one going to dig you up in a million years. You got fossils? You see bones? specialized bitch. Where's yours? Ain't no one gonna dig you up in a million years. It's like, you got fossils? You got fossils? You see bones? Someone said your husband's fossils were pretty okay.

You hear a T-Rex? You see a T-Rex? You're water shaking? You pretty okay? You pretty okay? You see Neiman? Anyone see Neiman? Anyone see Neiman? Did you see Ruff-Up?

Did you see Ruff-Up? Did you see Velociraptor? Did you see Velociraptor? Now I know that's not Velociraptor. I would like to see Shiree in Jurassic Park. That's what I want to see. Those Velociraptors don't stand a chance. They'd all move. She'd be the big one that the dinosaurs have to team up with the people to

kill in the end yeah just keeps coming back uh so kenya trying to be nice in this it's like kim i don't hate you okay i'm just indifferent to you okay you're great good job kenya you fucking nice olive branch yeah so this is all at the end of the day cynthia's fault and then kenya says it kind of is by the way it kind of is disrespect me anymore uh what no i was saying it kind of is cynthia's fault by the way no well i mean i mean trying to make them work together well no i mean kenya has to be held responsible for how she act but also cynthia could have just nipped us on the bud by being professional and saying listen kenya i love i'm sure you have great ideas you weren't at the meeting i need you to be there i'm just

gonna move forward with kim that's it nothing personal that's all she had to do well we're talking about a woman who walked into a mobile station stole three pairs of glasses and is now trying to turn them into a worldwide sensation. We're talking about a woman who married Peter in a museum that she got given to her for free, that had a bunch of dinosaurs in it. No, I get it. I get it.

I'm saying that's exactly why. Anyway. You can't apply logic to these people, Ben. No. But either way, Kenya, not a great apologizer, but hilariously shifty in doing so. And then Nini's like, okay, we're done. I'm going to bed now, like Kim. I better pray.

Okay, I'm going to go up to my gay husband now and let him massage my feet, like Kim. Okay, nice. So Peter's weed, AM Bakery, and then Cynthia still trying to be in it. God bless Cynthia. You know, at least she keeps working. She's like one of those employees who's really not very good at what she does. But she shows up every day on time, damn it. And she's got her homework done.

What else can you give the woman? Nothing. So they're at a bakery and she goes, I don't need any chocolate balls. I have chocolate balls all the time. Meaning her husband, who doesn't even live with her. So I don't even know what she's talking about. Shut up. Yeah.

So they start talking about the same thing. I don't even remember the scene. The scene was so non-distinct. I don't even remember it. Yeah. They basically just talk about the commercial more, blah, blah, blah. And Cynthia's going to have to confront Kenya now. And Cynthia's got a list.

She's like, who's the list? She's got a list of things she's upset. Yeah. Well, because then eventually they I believe that they go to dinner, right? Isn't that the next step? They go to dinner in a gazebo. It's like the finale of the trip. Peter is now about to fall over. He's so drunk.

They're surrounded by green drinks. His eyes are closing open. Like he's til drunk yeah they're surrounded by green drinks he his eyes are closing open like he's tilting like a baby he loves all asleep he loves a dinner in a gazebo this is the second time this season too bad there was no crazy artist this time around oh peter in the gazebo he's like i'm gonna draw you you're gonna look like bonnie rubble but still i paid him with the credit at the end of the show uh so yeah so kenya is of course an hour late to dinner or whatever and peter is just starting to give his big drunken nonsensical speech thank you for all coming to jamaica yeah so glad i could show you this strip it starts going on and on like he's done a goddamn thing anyway yeah and people are trying to pretend

and then kenya comes He continues his speech. And then Cynthia is like, thank you for that lovely speech. Unfortunately, Kenya hurt my feelings because she wasn't at the commercial. And then Kenya actually apologized. Yeah, Kenya was, like, legit. I was shocked. Kenya was like, yeah, I'm sorry. That was shitty.

And then it was like, it was actually genuine. I think everyone was like, oh, oh. Even the producers were like, wait a second. They like, they were ready. The producers were like, ready for this to go crazy. And they're like, oh, okay. All right.

Yep. And unfortunately, Cynthia's too stupid to know that it's over. So she keeps going. She's like, well, true friendship means supporting each other.

And you didn't support me. She's like, yes. And I'm still sorry. I still apologize because that was still wrong of me. Well, on that, Marshall, it was very important to me that you were there. And in fact, you were canoeing to Cuba, which is, of course, not even her joke. She took it from somebody else. Poor Cynthia.

Yes, and I'm still sorry. Well, I'm glad you apologized. Great scene. Clean sweep it yeah she's like i just want to reiterate just just in case you didn't realize you weren't there for me like i needed you to be there for me to say your hair looks great like you really handled that shot well and you weren't there for me he And he's like, yeah, no, I apologize. No, but like you weren't there for me. All right.

All right. So that's pretty much how it ends. Except Peter's like, Oh, Matt loves Kenya. He told me. And then Matt retells it to Kenya in the saddest way ever. He's like,

yes. And I said, he said, I love Kenya. And then I said, me too. And she's like, what? He said that I knew, he said, I love Kenya. And then I said, me too. And she's like, what? He said that I knew too.

Whoa, what? Huge step. And then she said, Peter, you love me, Peter? You said you love me? And he's like, yeah, I said I like your crazy ass. I'm like, wow, he wouldn't even say it either. Poor Kenya. Matt always looks like he's

waiting for secret cameras to come out and to learn that he's been punked. He just thinks this has been a two-month long prank. He's like, I'm just waiting for those cameras to come out. Just waiting for them to come out. Well, as long as they keep giving me paychecks, I'll keep showing up to work. By the way, I sort of am enjoying

Oliver and Portia. I think they're oddly very cute together yeah she's ridiculous and he's amused by it yeah that's fair and i love how the producers every time every time they mention oliver even though we know exactly who oliver is they cut back to the time when he fell over in the hot tub like every single time they They're like, oh, so have you spoken to Oliver lately? And it's like, and they see him fall over. Yeah, he's good. Poor guy. And that ends the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Okay, let's shift gears in between our housewife sandwich and examine the ham that is top chef.

Top chef! I just mixed a whole bunch of metaphors, gears and ham that is Top Chef. Top Chef! I just mixed a whole bunch of metaphors, gears and ham and meats and sandwiches. But Top Chef, this week the chefs went up to Oakland. And so on the quick fire, their guest judge was MC Hammer. Welcome, MC Hammer. was MC Hammer, which. Welcome, MC Hammer. Hey, Hammer. What did you think about that?

Cool ass Siri pad. Love it. I know. They all had to come up with rapper names for themselves, which was funny because, like, some of them had, like, okay names, but some of them were just, were just like... They were like the whitest rapper names of all time. What was Karen's? It was like the Pink Dragon. That does not sound like a rapper. No.

Sounds like a type of pot. I don't know. The Pink Dragon. I love that the whitest guy on the entire show, Carl Dooley, was the biggest MC Hammer fan and wanted to rap for him. I was like, you don't even need to come up with a rap name. Just call yourself Dooley. Yeah, exactly. There's no better name than that. I like Kwame's rap name.

What was it called again? It was called like't i don't remember but it sounded like the most like a rap name balish balish that's right balish isn't there a a chef on top chef masters named balish rick balis rick balis balis but balish at least he's just naming himself after popular chefs yeah like i am the uh emerald uh mc click yo my rap name is padma lakshmi even she's written a cookbook or two dj garten um every week kwame tells us about a different job he had in a different life i know it's crazy he's been 20 things he's like well i was a rapper my name was i was a poet and a rapper.

And he's unhappy about all of it. You had focus. And unhappy about all of them. Yeah, I was a rapper. I had to do that. I would sell food at my rap show to support my rap career or to support my food career. I don't know which one was which, but it all sucked. I hate my dad.

Exactly. I was doing rap until my dad told me I was terrible at it. So I quit because my dad's terrible. I was doing rap until my dad told me I was terrible at it. So I quit because my dad's terrible. Then I sold insurance for a while. But my dad kind of messed that up with his being terrible and all. MC Jerk Chicken.

Jerk Broccoli. MC Jerk Broccoli. Sorry. So many jerk things happening this week on crappins mc jerk broccoli mc jerk broccoli um so he rapped and he got a kiss from pat well the thing is he was he was like bashful when he rapped which then made me like kwame and because i was sort of like off the kwame train but then he was like so embarrassed to rap in front of Padma and MC Hammer that he couldn't do it and then you know Padma did the thing that hot girls love to do which is basically exert their hotness on a guy that they will never entertain anything romantic with but we'll know

get their knees knocking and so she like leaned in she oh, Kwame, that was beautiful. And gave him a kiss on the cheek. And he's like, oh. Kwame, my New Year's resolution for 2016 was to be more charitable. So here is my one kiss of the year donated to a poor person. I don't think she's ever kissed one of the chefs at a quick fire. She has never kissed somebody that poor. I don't think in her. Even when she was that poor, she wasn't kissing people that poor i don't think in her even when she was

that poor she wasn't kissing people that poor that's why she's rich now yeah exactly you got a kiss up that's right salmon rushty so so anyway do you imagine that kiss talk about jerk talk about jerk chicken you know that breath smells like two day old mc chicken. MC Fatwa. MC Fatwa. So I think Isaac won that quickfire, if I remember correctly. MC, why brush my teeth? I could be murdered at any moment. So Isaac, MC Toop something. So he won, and he got immunity. So he's on a little bit of a roll.

I don't know. Do you remember even what they had to make uh what their quickfire was because i want for some reason i decided to watch the two three in the morning on on sunday they had to make something based on their rap name oh yeah which was they were making up this is a shitty this is a shitty ass quickfire it made no it was like they get to san francisco why don't they make chopino or something yeah i made pink dragon. And so now I've cooked a pink dragon. I made some bubble gum in the shape of a dragon. Yeah, I've chewed up some gum and put it on the plate.

The end. Because I put pink in my hair. So therefore, this is what I am. The New Orleans guy, I'm sure, found time to stew something. Yeah, exactly. I yeah exactly watching too closely i wasn't either i was like watching it sometimes when i watch i if i like doze off for like one second it's like the delete button i forget everything that i've seen um but so then after the quick fire they have to the challenge is jonathan waxman comes comes through with the

globe and has all these ancient cuisines, like the cuisine of Han Dynasty China and the cuisine of Renaissance Italy, etc. And all the chefs get to choose a cuisine that they're going to research and sort of like recreate, but add their own twist to it. So it's sort of a cool challenge, but I still didn't understand why this was the first challenge in San Francisco, right? This is like Top Chef California, and this just didn't make any sense to me. Is that crazy? I don't think at this point they're even trying to make sense.

I mean, come up with a rap name and then make a dish based on that name. Yeah, this is just basically like they let the interns control the show for this episode. They're like, okay, we need a break. interns put your put your ideas in a hat we'll choose one randomly yeah they're like here's the here's the list of places that we're allowed to shoot in san francisco okay find a reason for them to go to the library yeah they have to research uh i don't know we got some maps okay research something on a map i donated some pushpins okay put a pushpin it's like jesus's like string it together these pushpins have been donated by the glad family of rap that's why there was a rap challenge because it's a saran rap challenge

they did have a glad challenge didn't they no i don't think glad is glad i don't think is uh sponsoring them it's it's something else that's random that's sponsoring them. And of course, it's Trilato Wines as usual and something else, but it's not GLAAD. It's not part of the GLAAD family of products. This is still the cheapest ass show in the world. Every time in the beginning when Patton was like, the winner receives $100,000 and a penny furnished by Ziploc or whatever. Yeah, Groupon, whatever it is. dollars and a penny furnished by in groupons ziplock or whatever yeah yeah groupon whatever it is i just keep thinking 100 grand or 150 i think it is now come on well uh either way i think

they sent them to the library because they were sick of isaac yelling they're like let's just let's just quiet him down let's just do something in a library so they all go to the library and um they're researching things kwame shushed someone, which I thought was funny. And Marjorie... So Marjorie's telling us a lot about her past, which has me very scared, because, you know, we love Marjorie. But she's like, yeah, I'm from Ukiah, and my mom used to donate at a food bank, so I've been cooking for a long time. My wife is in the kitchen. Like, every detail of her life came out this episode, so I was like, oh, shit, she's going home.

No, they cannot send Marjorie home. No. She's my favorite droll person on this show ever. I love her. Well, I love Marjorie and Karen. And unfortunately that duo was broken up. But either way, then it came time to cook. And Carl, surprisingly, was in the top three.

Carl was never in the top three. Ever. Truly. I'm surprised Carl has made it this far. He always just sort of cooks generic food. and Carl, surprisingly, was in the top three. Carl is never in the top three. Ever. Dooley. I'm surprised Carl has made it this far. He always just sort of cooks generic food. I think he should have been out the second he made a milkshake. They should have just been like, bye now.

A milkshake, bye. Yeah, MC Milkshake. Whenever he tells a story about his life, they're always so white printed. He's like, well, my wife loves this because me and my wife really like taking walks and this reminds me of walking past a restaurant one time that made fish like fascinating story glad they keep shooting you yeah this is this is the snack that i always cook for my wife before we sit down and go through our dvds of still standing

they're totally gonna rig this show he's gonna it's gonna be the final challenge is use these crackers to just make something. I don't care. He's just going to serve a plain cracker and win the whole show. So Amar won because he did French cooking. And he did like a – just like he went crazy. And he basically used all his French technique. He's like, I'm really so glad that I won.

It's been a slow burn, but I'm on the up and up. Go Amar. It's hilarious. He's like, yeah, this is what I meant to do because the whole time this was my plan. In the beginning, I was going to just play slow, and then I was going to start winning later. I'm like, oh, really? So you just planned that mediocrity the whole time. The biggest shocker in this thing wasn't that he won.

It's that he's straight. What the hell? I didn't know that. Did he won. It's that he's straight. What the hell? Yeah. I didn't know that. Did you? Yeah, I thought he was straight. He doesn't seem like flamey to me or anything. I'm not saying that.

I just assumed he was going to be like the big flamey queen who was going to tell somebody off, and he never did. No, the big flaming queen this year was the guy with the yellow pants. And his flame was like a big lighter. He was like, I'm so outrageous. My friends always tell me how outrageous I am when I poach chicken and serve radicchio. Oh, God. Best parting speech ever.

Well, I really didn't want to do this anymore, so I quit. And I just came on Top Chef to see if I still had passion for it. And they're like, well, do you? He's like, oh, I'm still miserable. I'm like, okay, go home, you idiot. Well, as you may have noticed, I boiled some trout for you, so I think that answers your

question about passion. I've steamed a salmon. Now, what does that say about passion? Delicious. Yeah, here's some steamed broccoli and carrots and a piece of cauliflower. Yeah, have you found nothing to put celery in yet? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Let's not forget his passion for celery. Celery is my favorite. But then Kwame also had an issue. Kwame was making ducks. And when Tom and Jonathan Waxman came to the kitchen, Kwame's like, here's my sample duck breast. And they're like, Tom's like, oh, can we take a look? It like raw tom's like no thanks kwame was very sad he felt the sense of rejection that he hadn't felt in 17 years he says it's raw i mean come on give him some time but he redeemed

himself making a chicken here so he's making a chicken but bailish bailish came back and made a perfect duck breast so it all worked out for Kwame yeah they had to do this they had to serve in pairs and then get dissed as they were making the food I love when Padma talks with her mouth full she's just like

I love her open disdain her robot voice disdain at people it really is great is this the first time you've made this bread, Marjorie? And for the first time ever, no. This was a bread she'd actually made before and it sucked. It sucked. I didn't like it. Is this the first time

you've made a paratha? Poor Marjorie. Luckily she skated by. I wanted Jeremy to go home. I'm like sick of the bear. You know, he's been on like too many crudos. That's going to be, he's been on like too many crudos. That's going to be the name of his sitcom. Too many crudos.

Too many crudos. Crudo is enough. Okay. Yeah. That guy is so cute. He's cute, but he's dumb as a brick, isn't he? Yeah. Jumping on the drums.

Yeah. When they went to that, when they went to the library and he's like, yeah, well, I mean, the library is gross. So didn't really learn a lot in school but we did have surfing class great why don't you go talk to rob from newlywed see how that works out um he had what was his thing so he made chowder yeah but what was it for it was like pioneer days his was ridiculous no it was um. No, it was Gold Rush, or as he called it, the Golden Rush. My period is the Golden Rush. So he made chowder.

And it was Tom's critique of it really stuck in my brain. He's like, it's over-reduced. It's like eating a sauce not a soup i was like uh saucy chowder i mean still probably still i would like actually it didn't look like chowder it just looked like broth yeah well because he had yeah it would look didn't even look like broth it looked like because there was stuff in there there were things in there and he was like all delicate and then they put um it just looked like a white sauce on on stuff it was it looked bad and they said it was flavorless.

So I really feel like he should be the name of his biography. White sauce on stuff. I think that's actually Carl's biography. White sauce. MC White Sauce. Dooley. Dooley on Dooley. Dooley on Dooley. That's his one man play where he interviews himself.

It's experimental. It's a mixed media presentation. Dooley, what would you have eaten in Pioneer days? Well, my wife really likes fresh air, so I would have probably gone outside breathed. Good story. Penguin. Penguin's calling. Some sort of bland fast bread um but anyway uh but karen

though so karen i you know i love karen i love karen um and i thought she's been i thought she's been really great all season she's had like one or two missteps um i even like her even though she does that thing where she finishes other people's sentences when they're like karen we felt like your broth was a little too complicated. And she's saying too complicated. Yes. Like as Padma saying too complicated. I hate that.

Just repeat. Repeat. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing that they got mad at her about was that she made her her her her dashi tasted too Chinese and it was too there was too much stuff going on, which I get. But I feel like Jeremy's – they said Jeremy's was flavorless. Send Jeremy home. Yeah, I think she –

It must have been bad. No, she didn't make a mistake last week. I'm trying to remember. I feel like she's fucked up a couple of times and he hasn't fucked up as much. She did make a mistake. She made one mistake in restaurant in restaurant wars she made a rice stuffed fish that they did not oh right it was the worst thing that they had the whole night remember she got to stay so i think it was just

that it was her second time also everybody is left is so good yeah well they seem to be good i mean we can't taste it but she cracked me up when she was talking about how she didn't really like school either. And she's like, but I do have a degree. I took women's studies because you know, I'm a queer lady and that's where other queer ladies go to meet queer ladies who might want to have sex with them.

Yeah. That was amazing. Yeah. I like that. I thought that was, you know, she's resourceful. Can't fault her for being anything.

But, um, but loans just to get laid. Yeah. Still paying that shit off. I thought that was, you know, she's resourceful. Can't fault her for being anything but. Student loans just to get laid. Still paying that shit off. So Marjorie skated by, even though her parathas were fried. And, you know, and so did Chowder Man. So on to next week.

Yeah, what are you going to do? Top Chef, pretty good. How many weeks do they have left? Like 20 weeks? not too many well now they were so they were down to seven going in the ups they're down to six so that means we've got like two or three more episodes before the before well we probably have like one or two episodes left before the finale so they're probably gonna do something up in napa they'll probably do something again like they'll probably do again in the Area. And then it'll be finale time. And I don't know where they're going for the finale. Vegas, I think?

Yeah. Who can say? Who can say? Screw them. Let's move over to something less delicious and even worse composed. Even more badly composed. Let's go from California cuisine to Australian cuisine.

Well, it's Australian fusion. Australian fusion. I'm really like a whiskey and Australian fusion girl. What is Australian food? Do you know yet? Have you Googled it? I do know. I do know.

What is it? Because there was an article about it in LA Weekly maybe like a year ago. there was an article about it in la weekly like maybe like a year ago so um i mean a lot of the article basically said that australian cuisine is kind of like american cuisine like american cuisine is you know people don't think of american cuisine as like like as a singular thing but has so many ethnic influences um and that australian cuisine is sort of like that it's like it's really influenced there's so much thai food over there and asian flavors that of like that. It's really influenced. There's so much Thai food over there and Asian flavors. That's like the dominant cuisine almost. But pies, basically a lot of meat pies, a lot of little meat pies.

Little meat pies? Little meat pies. But there is – I've just never heard somebody saying, I want to open an Australian restaurant. There are a few. And that's like steak and potatoes and shit. There are a few Australian restaurants here in LA, actually. But again, they serve basic little pies.

Little meat pies. I haven't been. I would actually like to try. I've never turned down a meat pie. I'm like, little meat pie, that's my rap name. Little meat pie. Little meat pie. Contessa meat pie.

I'm going to go into a rap battle With MC Jerk Broccoli My dad is mean My dad is mean He's awful and he's really mean Eat this green Good for your spleen Sorry I couldn't finish Let me give you a kiss Wait what was that i was just being

pad my giving oh sorry i thought that was like i thought you were like changing up your flow no that was my pad my boy get me a kiss thank you so much by the way i just want to like before we go to potomac, I just want to reiterate something. Padma is, like, flawless. I was just looking at her again for this episode. She's been doing this for 10 years, and she looks pretty much the same. She is just gorgeous. Yeah.

She's really found a way to make bulimia work for her. It's not easy to do. Oh, so dark, Ronnie. So dark. She doesn't look like she has it, but how the hell else could she maintain that figure? She eats like a house. She's not one of these girls like Erika Jayne who's like, I eat. I'm not one of these girls who doesn't eat. Imagine if Padma had Erika Jayne's hairstyle, she would look like a Sprinter Spaniel.

Imagine if Padma had Erika Jayne's hairstyle, she would look like a Sprinter Spaniel. I think she probably has had that hairstyle. She's probably worn most of those costumes on this show, too. Remember when she used to dress crazy? I love Padma in a bikini and a fur coat. Yeah. Pat the puss. Pat the puss.

Pat the puss. She's like, uh. Her vocal warm up is just Ah Which is also I believe that was also what she did For Honey Me me me me me me me me Was it Honey or Glitter? Glitter I'm sorry Me me me me me

The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane Thank you Padma Beautifully done I'm sorry, glitter. Me, me, me, me, me. The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plane. Thank you, Padma. Beautifully done. So anyway, over in Potomac, we open up with Karen Huger taking her daughter to self-defense because Karen Huger was mugged. And she tells her daughter, if someone tries to mug you, then you just, you fight for your life. You come back to me. You come back to me.

And if you can't find me, use the intercom. If you see one of those random phones on the street hooked to a machine box, pick it up and just say, daddy, daddy, until he hears you. He eventually will. Honey, if someone tries to mug you just just page me karen oh my god when she's like she tells her traumatizing bugging story she's like i was walking through the parking lot of a mall and i was mugged he stole my diamond necklace but he didn't get everything i slid the ring down into my you know where and i still haven't found it you know talking about a meat pie jesus christ how many people have tried to dig that thing out it's gone it's gone it's gone. It's gone. It's gone. So then we go over to Ashley and her husband, Michael. They are opening up an Australian restaurant.

Meat pies for everyone. And they rented an office on K Street. Okay, people. That's where the lobbyists work. There was a show on HBO called K Street that was amazing, by the way. James Carville and Mary Madeline. Great show. Oh, yeah.

Okay. But it only lasted one season. And I just thought, oh, good. There's the sign. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, these two are really the James Carville and Mary Madeline. I wanted to say something else, but I was like, that's not right. They are them of the new generation for Bravo. I'm not making any sense. I'm sorry, people. The coffee is back, everyone. The coffee is back. It's back.

The Tiago returns. Well, they're both wackos, and I am kind of liking them together, even though it grosses me out. Yeah. It grosses me out. You know what they are? They are the new Alex McCord and Simon, okay? Literally. They both have two socially aspiring women with questionably straight Australian husbands.

I'm not sure if I'm speaking English anymore, but I think everyone gets what I'm trying to say. That made sense. I feel like there's a better term than socially aspiring aspiring whatever upwardly mobile upwardly mobile um except i don't know how mobile she really is i think she's just i'm really mobile now because my husband bought me a car it's really important to me not to just rely on my husband's money like really it's really important because I'm an independent woman so I'm letting my husband buy me an assistant.

Ever since I started going to the gas station on the top of the hill, I've considered myself upwardly mobile. How is this? Who does this bitch think she's fooling? I know. Now she needs an assistant. You met your husband when you were like 21. You boned him because he owned things. He married you because you're like the youngest legal one he could get. Don't forget that she stalked him because he owned things he married you because you stalked him like youngest

legal one he could get don't forget that she stalked him like sliver okay she was watching him on like the closed circuit security feed on those odd reverse security cameras where the bartenders can see into the office what the fuck kind of camera set up with that so weird so she's boning a rich guy. He married her because she's a child. Now she's saying she's totally independent and doesn't want to rely on somebody. Like, we're supposed to believe that you married him because you like the

kneeball sacks. Get out of here, lady. No one's believing you. You just got a fucking car last week. Now your husband is buying you a restaurant and an assistant and you're still talking about being independent. And what does she need an assistant for? She's like, I really need some help with the social media while I'm busy, you know, like bikini shopping with the other girls.

It's really hard to correct Siri when I'm trying to tell her things, and then she starts writing other words on the Twitter. I need an assistant. So this is what the interview process is. So, who do you like more, Taylor Swift or Katy Perry? Literally, that was a question. And then, like, they have a didgeridoo, and the husband is asking the guys, and the women, like, it's so inappropriate. He's like, you know, sometimes you have to handle a big wooden pipe.

Would you like to see my big wooden pipe here it is it's a didgeridoo i'd like to see how you wrap your mouth around this one all right go ahead try that and they asked they're asking people like so what's what's like something fun you like to do one woman's like well one time i had sex with my significant other in an alleyway like hmm and another guy's like i like to vogue and then in an alleyway. I was like, hmm. And then another guy was like, I like to vogue. And then he just starts voguing. I was like, this is a very interesting job interview. These people, look, the people who we're hiring are idiots.

But the people applying, I was like, the world is ending, right? Because everyone on here is so stupid. That twerking guy was wearing his backpack the whole time. Take off your backpack. You're in the interview. Yeah, exactly. And then, so then after the interviews, the worst part of all,

this is the part that, like, made me kind of want to fling myself off my balcony. Michael leaves the room and he goes, if you're lucky, I'll let you blow my didgeridoo. I was like, oh. He's so romantic. He's so funny. He's so funny. Oh, my God, he's like a good whiskey. So then we go over to sharice's house where we open with a meditating frog

that's fitting um so sharice is there they stay on the ground floor i'd like to add um so they're talking about robin's relationship and she's like, Robin's like, did you fire your gardener? Could you maybe hire me to do it? And Robin

is denying that she's in a relationship, even though she has sex with Juan, they sleep in the same bed, they live in the same house, and they haven't even told their kids that they're divorced. You know why she's doing that, right? In my opinion, obviously. I would like to hear.

My opinion is that she's saying that so that she can still stay with him while he's constantly cheating on her ass, and she can't say that she's being disrespected. Because she's just allowing him to do whatever the fuck she wants, and she still gets to keep the husband, and then when people say he's cheating, she can say, he's not cheating. We're not in a relationship.

So she doesn't have to look like a loser to wear a friend's fucking loser. That's a good theory. It's not a bad theory. I'm not mad at that theory. But either way, then Cherie starts talking about her husband, Eddie. And she's like, now, I don't want to say anything bad about Eddie. But he's a horrible husband. Well, by all means, thank you

for putting it delicately. I really stood up for myself. I texted him that I wanted a divorce, but he didn't even write me back. She's like, I'm going to have to take drastic measures with Eddie. I'm going to let him upstairs. I'm going to take drastic measures with Eddie, I'm going to let him upstairs. I'm going to take drastic measures with Eddie,

and I'm going to turn on my TV and watch him play sports. I'm going to tell him the whole time. I'm yelling at you right now, and he's going to feel it. And when she's reading her text out loud, Robin's so stupid, she's like, Dear Eddie, I just wanted to say, you're not a good husband. What do you think about me and Juan? Oh, this is sad. She's like, I know.

I also love that this bitch is trying to pretend she's so fancy and she has like a full tray of all this fresh cut up food and she's like, look at my fancy tray. And then she puts it down and there's those little to- catch-ups i didn't notice that that's hilarious i just thought it was sort of an odd display i mean

this is this is us now being like peak crappins caddy but like pcc but um like she puts out like little crudités and like a random small bowl of shrimp it just it just seemed odd it just is like an odd spread and it was like so fakely casual like oh i just happened to put out the just make these shrimp i was like you knew the you knew cameras were coming over charisse that was whole food salad bar shit like it was a shrimp it's like shrimp salad chicken salad like polenta salad it's like all these different little containers she just emptied onto the thing and then wasn't there a ham i think there was like a one of those hams that you buy that's already cooked in and wrapped and you just unwrap it it's like air wrapped yeah we get them for christmas i bought some ham today

by accident huh i went i went down to ralph's and i went i wanted to pick i know how'd you buy some ham without by accident but uh i uh i meant to get some turkey i meant so i went over to the i went over to the sliced meat style and because i needed to get some turkey and then my friend was there and we started talking and i just like randomly grabbed and i got home i'm like oh i got i got i got ham one oops one i'm not mad at you for this ham because we're not married but if we were boy i'd be telling you off right now anyway um now speaking of speaking of speaking over to karen and jizz let's go see what karen and jizz are doing yeah let's see what let's see what's going on in pressed ham central so um so giselle goes over to karen's uh place they're gonna have just kind of a good old-fashioned gossip sesh and i love you know i love giselle i think you don't like her right

or do you like her no i think she's a phony fake bitch girl you ain't so classy get over yourself craigslist sectional on your white stove shut up no i love i love giselle i think she is hilarious posted on our Facebook that says, when you think you're classy, but your wig cap's showing. And she's like playing with her weave because her and Karen, all they do is touch their fake hair. And she's moving it at one point and you see her wig cap under. I don't think that,

I actually think there's a difference between Karen and Giselle. I think that Karen thinks she's classy. I think that Giselle, she doesn't go around talking about etiquette, but she's more just like, you don't do that at a party. Not like from an etiquette standpoint, which I know what I'm saying sounds like etiquette, but it's the same way. If you and I were at a party

and someone came by and did something ridiculous, what are they doing? You don't do that. I think that's where Giselle is coming from. We don't do that. Like, you know, and I think that's where Giselle's coming from. It's like, it's just not quite,

it's, I feel like Giselle, I feel like Giselle isn't as righteous about it. And so I'm okay with, I think that Giselle is just funny. She's a Karen in training. She's righteous about shit that she doesn't actually possess. You know,

she's righteous about etiquette, but they both rude as hell. Neither one of them knows what it is. She's just a younger version. I think. I love, I love when they're talking about Ashley's party and G giselle's like she's like i still have my bill if i'm coming you pay for me i just was cracking up i was like that's great i would never do that

but like i love that she did it i am like team giselle i want matt with field here because i feel like he would agree with me i think she's an awful human being i can't wait to see her fail i cannot wait to see her being dragged down because I think she will be. Well, they tried to drag her down and she wasn't dragged. I think once these ladies get over the fake bullshit, this show sucks, by the way. It's terrible.

No, it's not. It's terrible. I still am enjoying watching it and laughing, but I'm only doing it because of this. Because if it weren't for this, I'd be like, bye now. This is terrible. It's painful watching them come up with things to talk about. If we didn't have the podcast i'd be watching potomac and not atlanta oh really oh 100 oh yeah we're on the ops yeah yeah what else is new so um another reason we can never be lovers we never agree on what to watch exactly well we'd have to tag team on shady sunday hashtag shady sunday so the good wife, the ultimate shady bitch.

Yeah. So anyway, Karen's news is that she's going to be – she wants to show Ashley how to throw a proper party in Potomac. So she's renting a yacht, and it will be open bar, and the only requirement is B-Y-O-M, bring your own man. So that's that. Which is totally classy since no one else on this cast even has one. Yeah, exactly. Also, Caroline today is starting in the back of her head. Like it's not even pretending anymore.

Yeah. But maybe B-Y-O-M could also mean bring your own Molly because the women think think that katie was on something at ashley's party because katie was like basically spaced out and making out with her also another questionably straight uh boyfriend the entire time and yeah of course giselle is now thrilled that she can call katie a drug addict a million times on camera yes the woman with four children at home and no husband nice but every time work there, Giselle. But every time they started talking about Katie,

then the skies would open up. There's lightning bolts and danger. So, a few omens from up above. God's just like, we have to shut these women up. Do whatever we can. Zeus is like, be quiet down there. Giselle just acts like she's so fancy.

She's sitting there with some banana clip in her head from Claire's, like with little fake diamonds glued onto it. Some red rock necklace. It's like these big plastic rock chunks that are wrapped around her neck. Looks like she's trying to be dragged down under the ocean, but that shit floats. She's ridiculous. I can't with her.

I can. I can. I can. So now we go to Ashley again, and her mom is visiting, which is just like whatever. So basically her mom visits. It's like one of these scenes

where she's like, my mom is like my best friend, and her mom is bankrupt, but is not asking Ashley for help, which was nice. Hi, let me give you some money. Like, I work really hard on getting that

dick erect every day I've earned it and you raised me to do it and her mom's like look I can get my old senior citizen to support me thank you very much you got it bitch meanwhile Katie is meeting with

Karen because Katie is transitioning out of modeling and into running the Ross Foundation. And she wants to meet with Karen because Karen has a great, quote unquote, roller decks. Oh, my God. Stupid. And Katie. Anyone who knows about rolling, it's Katie. What about that party the other day when you were all over that man?

She's like, oh, I know that that was a bit much. Yeah, I'm really sorry about that, Karen. Well, thank you for apologizing. Oh, now we all have to apologize to you when we make out in public. Get out of here, lady. You were wearing like scotch tape around your coochie and like a shirt with holes in it and had your 10 gallon tits all over the floor please if anybody needs to apologize it's your wig tape yeah that that wig um but i don't know karen still cracks me up even with her bad wigs so um anyway so katie wants to do a casino

night for her foundation and karen's like no no. She's like, I'm sorry. I have the annual Huber charity event. I was like, all right, Karen. All right. This has got to be good. I cannot wait for the annual Huber charity. I know, because you know someone's going to act wrong. Someone's going to eat an olive with their fingers, and she's going to kick them out of the Holiday Inn.

Some of these charities that they're talking about. What is Karen Hebert's? You know, okay, tax shelter. But still, what is she going to do? Women who are in decent need of makeup. Like, no. And then Katie's like, well, I really wanted to raise money for this children's theater. She's like, oh, I know it well.

That's your charity? Do they not have legless vets around your town? Children's theater. know it well that's your charity do they not have legless vets around your town i think that the huber foundation i think that they probably uh their big mission statement is to try to modernize all intercoms in the greater potomac area i need all people with adjoining living in kitchens living room and kitchens to have telephones that they can pretend to call each other over so their house seems more grand in case those cameras are wrong so the next uh we have giselle and she goes on a date with this guy named herman who's just a big dork and a perfect name for this guy herman yeah her man um and he uh he's also kind of dumb he didn't realize that oysters were served raw he's like i thought

they were fried and so then he decides to feed her and so he feeds her by poking the oyster with a fork and like dangling it into her mouth i was like no herman this is all wrong you're feeding her a big booger vagina that's what it looked like it looked like a gaping vagina being shoved into her mouth i know it's like a little mini karen being shoved down mini Karen's mouth. I loved it. But I have to say, this is how stupid this is how low rent this woman is. Okay, this is Giselle. She's like, well, his

name is Herman and he used to be in the House of Delegates. He ran for Congress. Wow. Whoa. He ran for Congress. Golf clap. Golf clap. Wow. Whoa. He ran for Congress. Golf clap. Golf clap.

Wow. I've auditioned for Broadway. Get me a star on the Walk of Fame. Get out of here. He doesn't know what I'm fucking doing. Well, it's like Hollywood, where it's more important about the stuff that you are getting to people instead of the stuff you've actually done. But whatever. As my friend likes to

say they have corpse on corpse chemistry um so then uh meanwhile uh then um katie and ashley and their man meet to play golf and uh we have this really stupid scene of them playing golf and Katie's like, my form's off. So then Andrew gets behind her and then he pretends to be basically fucking her from behind, which of course is so appropriate. Well, this whole thing was so funny because then they switched over to the girls doing lesbian things. Like, let me show you how to swing that while the guys looked on.

I'm like, oh my God, the children with their old men, one's gay one's you know gonna be shitting his pants within a year acting like they're also sexually involved you guys are trying way too hard yeah to convince everybody that you're doing anything sexual please just go to wells fargo make sure your savings account is safe and leave us the fuck alone with your stupid golf scene so then the girls uh then the girls go and they sit down to have drinks while the guys go off golfing and they start talking about karen and katie says how karen wasn't helping her and that karen said something along the lines of the fact that that ashley's party was was skewed too young, and it's still too young, yada, yada, yada. She's turning 13. What do you expect?

And Ashley's like, oh my god, she's ageist. And they're like, yeah, she's so ageist. She's so ageist. Then Kitty goes, yeah, hanging out with Ashley is so much cooler than these old biddies from Potomac. I was like, you realize what you were just complaining about, right? Also, I like the part when she was at lunch with karen and karen's like oh that party i mean uh it was so young all those children and the animal print and the

body painting and then katie gets mad for a second she goes well i was the only one who actually showed up in animal print so i felt stupid so thanks a lot like she's mad at everybody else you're not wearing animal print that's what that's what the next charity is going to be like greater animal print wearability issue awareness people have to know what sort of prints they have to wear who can't afford to come to parties dressed as the theme yeah so um then we had a cameo from my favorite supporting character of potomac the fawn terrified fawn this time the fawn was actively running away from the camera i was like stop following me around i've tried so hard to avoid the zoom in so now we get a scene with with Karen on her fake intercom.

She's like, honey, could you please come up to the bedroom? And he's like, okay. He's like walking out of the bathroom. Well, my favorite part about this is that she gets on her intercom. She's like, honey, honey, could you please come up here? I'm trying to choose a blazer for you. Love you. Like, is that how you always sign off on an intercom love love karen

but the best part divorces her you can just start saying over and out every time yeah but the best part was that when she was doing the intercom they were showing different shots of the empty house and they showed the living room with a 2001 era tube TV in the corner. Yes. There you go. I was like, talk about a charity case. I mean, look, we're podcasters, and even we have flat screens.

Darling, I haven't paid for it yet, but I've got it. It's technically still owned by Best Buy, and it's now four times as much as it actually cost because of interest rates that I never paid. But still. Still, you know, they can repossess it when they want. And trust me, this is not a show that you're thankful

for flat screens on. That giant ass face in high definition. Lord. There's a reason I'm filled with hate. So anyway, so Karen is blazer selecting and her husband's still so adorable um and so then uh

meanwhile so now everyone's right getting ready to go on her to her yacht party and we see robin and robin's like whoa you know i'm not gonna bring one because that'll be really weird and at this point i got very excited because i thought we were gonna have the return of uncle gilbert i was like uncle gilbert uncle gilbert uncle gilbert no i was just hoping she would take one so that he would bring a date i don't care i mean he can do whatever he wants yeah that's fine then we go on to the boat and ashley's husband who i'm starting to like more and more as time goes on. Her old ass man shows up in a pirate hat. And Karen's like, listen. Of course, she's not furious with him because he's wealthy.

So she's like, listen, I love that he's loaded. And I love that he has fun. Because you know if that was anybody else, you'd be like, get off my boat. Pirating is not good etiquette in Potomac. We do not steal songs off the internet in this town, young man. Get iTunes. We do not shoot cannonballs in Potomac.

I still have my diamond in my meatfold, and you're not gonna get it, pirate. Now, get off my boat. We do not eat seaac in Potomac. And Karen goes up to Ashley and she's like, Hello, dear. Would you like a drink that you don't have to pay for out of your own pocket at the party that I have an open bar at?

She's like, Oh, my God. I don't have to start a camp. Oh, I'm such a bad hostess. And Karen goes, Really? to camp oh i'm such a bad hostess and karen goes really i love that ashley does not give a shit she knows everything karen's doing and she just doesn't care she yeah but then they start talking to giselle's new boring man in mint green pants or experiment pants. Yeah.

Terrible. And they're asking if they had sex yet because he's bragging he got a third date. And she's like, I'm not that kind of girl. I'm a lady. I'm like, oh, my God. You're wearing plastic diamonds that look like, what are you going to be in a plastic diamond war? It looks like a big neck place piece of armor. Yeah. Well, and then meanwhile, Charisse shows up.

And she comes with her friend Brene as usual. And Charisse is like, first of all, who invites me to a couple's party? I'm like, that's a great, really to any party. That's a very good question. She's like, I mean, there are two stories on this yacht. So, like, this is ridiculous for me to any party. It's a very good question. She's like, I mean, there are two stories on this yacht. So like, this is ridiculous

for me to be here. This also explains why we didn't see her the rest of the episode because she was too afraid to go upstairs. She's like, etiquette states

that you stay on the first floor of every yacht. Do we not have cell phone on this yacht? Maybe that's why I haven't gotten a text back yet. Also, why didn't Karen yell at her for bringing an extra guest she brought two bitches on she did not bring one that

other person was not invited and that is not alicat that is not alicat um so uh meanwhile by the way karen's has been continues like every little every time you see him he has his phone out he is he's actually a cameraman for this show. I am convinced he has been hired by Bravo to help with the crew because he is documenting everything. That would explain why some of these shots are so embarrassing. OK, the first episode or second episode, whenever they had like the Jewish party about the names or whatever, and they were gathering to have this housewives discussion at lunch party. It was around like this fold up table from Target right next to the air conditioner in the backyard. This one, the big confrontation, which wasn't really one, but the big like drama was that the old husband was going to take off his pants and jump in the water.

So they surround him and he's standing right next to the no smoking sign and the trash can. Come on. Who are you guys trying to fool? Seems about right. Well, I love that when he's, because he's like, he takes off his pants because he wants to go swimming, which is so, you know, he seems a little thirsty. He's very, like, wannabe reality star, which is just like Simon. And I love Katie's response was so, like now i say i guess patronizing is the right word and hers what she says is you know i love australian people they're so wild and crazy

you never know what's going to happen it was like it was just like it felt like oddly racist you know it's horrible well she's so jealous of this ashley girl that's why she turns on her the second she gets a chance you know actually has everything she wants she's free she's young she's you know still got her hot younger but even though that girl does not have body issues i'm not saying that i'm just saying from her point of view this woman's younger she's way richer she's got the old man you know that she probably didn't have to fuck with all the money that she wants you think she doesn't want to be opening some restaurant based on lunchables or whatever the hell she does she does sorry by the way we should also talk about the fact that karen was so shady to giselle because Giselle's there with Herman and Karen walks up and is like, oh, is this Mr. Miami?

Is this Mr. Miami? And, you know, Giselle, because Giselle's actually dating someone that she calls Mr. Miami. She's not dating Herman. And basically, Karen was blowing up Giselle's spot. And I love, Giselle was like, that's not shady. That's full blown eclipse. It's like, yeah.

Yep. And then let me see what else happened here. Oh, when Karen goes up to Charisse and she's like, Charisse, thank you so much for coming today. I just wanted you to know that with everything going on, I had to do this this way. And I hope you didn't get offended that it's bring your own man and it was mandatory. But I had to do it this way. What do you mean you had to?

Nobody else has a man except Ashley. Why did you have to? I know, that was bullshit. And then the episode pretty much ended with Ashley inviting all the girls to their beach house on Bethany Beach. Walls are up. Walls are up. Literally,

if you invite another person from Potomac to my beach house, I'm just going to be on the floor crying. Okay? The walls are up. Walls are up. They show the beach house and it's so sad. It's like these little tiny twin Ikea beds. Giselle's like, oh, hell no.

Love it. they're so ridiculous and bad and trying to come up with shit but when their real personalities come out i'm gonna really start liking it like when they really start getting mad about real things and i think it's starting to come because this katie girl cannot hide that she's a sniveling little bitch yeah i like that she acts like she's so nice, but then she just loses it. Like this one when Karen said, okay, we're all going to the beach. Are men coming? And she says, no, women

only. And then Karen says, if you have a protruding something like if the front of your pants is protruding, you're not invited. And then Katie went, well, what if I just have a really big clit? Which I know just sounds immature and stupid. But she's saying that as a fuck you to Karen because Karen almost choked on her wig.

Yes. It was great. So maybe it'll get better as it goes. But right now it just looks like a bad community theater version of a Housewives. They need to amp it up. They need to do something. I don't know. Move it.

I like it a lot. they need to amp it up they need to do something i don't know move it i like it a lot and there you have it point counterpoint that's right that's what makes the podcast so exciting well i guess that brings us also to the end of our of our crazy journey right so um thank you all for um for listening and supporting us. Remember to go contribute to our glossary over on Facebook. And you can support us on Patreon if you want to get a question into the Krappen's mailbag. But try to keep the questions just to a simple question, not like a five-parter. And that's it, everyone. That's all I have to say. The etiquette of Potomac states that we have to wrap this up.

It's over. Big lit or not, it's over. Big lit. So, I don't even know what that means. Big lit. Anyway, thanks, everyone, for listening. We will talk to you later this week. Bye.

you later this week. Bye!