Watch What Crappens - #2692 RHOSLC S5E16 Part One: Circle (of) Jerks

Episode Date: January 16, 2025

This is part one of a two-parterThe epic Real Housewives of Salt Lake City finale finds the gang circling up at the dinner table to read mean texts to each other. It doesn’t go well. As an added bonus, Meredith bobbles her head into a fresh corneal disability. Then on Sold on SLC S1E04, there’s a fortieth birthday party and some moves are made. Will an agent escape Presidio? To watch this recap on video, listen to our Sold on SLC bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Tickets for the Mounting Hysteria Tour are now on sale at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Wondry Plus subscribers can listen to watch her crap and add free right now. Join Wondry Plus in the Wondry app or on Apple Podcasts. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer and let me tell you, we're kicking off this new year with a whole new mindset. If you're ready for that new year, new mindset energy, you've got to tune into, baby, this is Kiki Palmer. If you're looking for more podcasts to help you tend to your well-being, check out New Year New Mindset on the Wondry app. Guess what happens when there's so much that happens I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person.

I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. I'm not a good person. She sucked her way to the top. Okay. The most awkward, the most awkward episode ever. So here you go. What an awkward way to start it off. Welcome to Watch What Crappens. I'm Ronnie, that's Ben over there. Hi, Ben.

Hi Ronnie, how are you? Good, I wanna read the meanest text I've ever written about you. Okay. You ready? Okay. Yeah. Ben's cute. I'm so sorry, Ben. I support everything he does. If Ben kicked me in the balls, I would say, thank you, Ben. I love you. Okay. Here's the Ronnie. I'm going to read you the meanest texts I've ever written about you. And then we burn it. We burn it. It gets burnt right now.

Turned and burned. Honestly, I don't want to invite Ronnie over today. I want to invite over Bronwyn. Okay, Ronnie, it's burnt. It's burnt. Oh wait, I forgot. There's one other part. Fuck you. You're burnt. I'm going to burn you. Wait, wait, there's one other part. Fuck you, you're burnt. I'm going to burn you. Wait, wait, there's one other part. Ronnie once invited over someone so he could watch that person give John Barlow a blowjob. OK, it's burnt.

That was the worst thing I ever said. It's burnt. It's burnt. Burnt. What an episode. What an epic season finale episode of Salt Lake City. We're going to do that recap right now, but we're going to be doing the reunion part one live in two cities, both San Francisco and San Diego next week. Get your tickets and watch our crappins.com when we start our mass hysteria tour across America and a little bit of North America. Also following that, we're going to be on Broadway with the Golden

Crappy Awards. We're getting all our music ready, all our Broadway numbers ready to go and hope to see you there. It's almost sold out, so you better hurry up and get your asses over there. Yeah. That's watch what crapens.com. And then we'll be in Salt Lake City and Denver, right? Yeah.

Yes. Denver, the next weekend. So it's going to be three weeks of absolute mayhem and hysteria. So join us for that. And if you want this on video, it is on video right now over at Patreon. It's also gonna be on video next week over at YouTube. So join YouTube if you want a bunch of free videos.

We're also recapping Traders right now. And Traders is a Patreon exclusive. So if you want Traders recaps head over there. Ben, how you feeling today buddy? I don't even know. It's like that Salt Lake City finale was so wild. There was a part of me that actually felt bad for those women. That was truly the epitome of people just hurting each other. Except for, you know, you know, Meredith got off scot-free. She didn't have to hear anything of that.

And on top of that, Meredith and Lisa didn't have to say anything about anyone. But that was said she did. She was on Watch What Happens. And she said that she did read it to Meredith, but they cut it. Oh, is that why Meredith was maybe crying? Well, it was that was wild. This was one that why Meredith was maybe crying? Well, it was, that was wild. This was one of the few times where I would say, I kind of felt like that episode should have been supersized.

It felt like, it felt almost truncated. It felt like there was, when we got the last stretch there, it felt like, wait, why are we ending this right now? It feels like there's still so much to talk about. I was actually, don't even think it should have been the season finale. I know they want to end on a bang and they need to sort of like compete with last year,

but it felt like there needed to be more after that. That was wild. Yeah, and it was just so weirdly edited because they cut so much out just to get to that dinner. And I just, you know, sacrifice New York. Take New York away and then give us more of this. I'll take two hours. It's a two hour finale.

Yes, give us a 10 hour finale. I want this to be a Netflix special where I can watch it for six hours. It was so good, so fun. So let's jump into it, shall we? Oh my goodness, yeah. I'm like, mentally I'm like, this is, I'm like, this is,

I don't even know, I don't even know. I don't even know how we're gonna do this because it was such a wild episode. I'm scared. I'm scared. We'll be fine. Okay, so we go, we start with Heather and Heather, so fucking Heather monologues,

which is Heather's thing now, which she just has to give us monologues all the time. So she's like, it's true. It's true that we chose to do this. It is. And it's very dramatic. We see them all setting up in the confessionals and they're all pretending

that the fourth wall is being broken, but they're staring directly into the camera, especially Heather. Heather's doing this like, actorly stare to the camera, but it's terrifying. She's like... Yeah, they're just staring blankly. They're getting like a little bit of glam,

and then their backgrounds are green screened out. They're keyed out, and they have clips of their season so far. And just kind of funny, because it's all The Mane Housewives, and Brittany is obviously not part of it, because she doesn't have a snowflake. But I'm imagining Brittany was at home

in front of a children's chalkboard or an easel being like, come on, hey, hey Jared, does this look good? Does this look good? Just in case they need me, I'm ready to do a shot for them. So Heather gives her a monologue and she's like, we put our lives on display, showing our weakest moments, sharing our darkest secrets, leaving ourselves open to criticism, open to judgment,

and those opinions can hurt. But what happens when the friends you turn to for support have turned on you too, and you realize that your closest friends can cut you the deepest? Oh, for fuck's sake, you are the one who does it. You are the bad guy, ma'am. You're the one who makes everybody hurt them or hurt each other's feelings after it. By the way, great job. You deserve an Emmy. Yeah, she's like when she says when you realize that your closest friends can cut you the deepest, well, they're only going

to cut you the deepest. If you say please take out your knife and stab me. I want to see how that feels. Great. OK, now let's all stab each other. Now we can all feel the pain of being stabbed by each other, because that's what this episode really is. Yes. So we see clips of the season and why they're all so traumatized. And then we rewind to 24 hours earlier. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- Guys, I just want to make an announcement. I'm having a physical relationship with this toast. I'm literally eating it right now. This changes my life forever now.

Talk about a yeast infection. By the way, I want to just say real quickly that before we do our rewind 24 hours, they show shots of like the chaos that's to come that evening. And they show footage of stuff that we never get to see. Like we see Lisa Barlow in Glam and a producer's like, do you think there's any road back at this point?

And she's like, I don't know, I really don't know. And we see all these things that I feel like never made it to air. Do you think that like Bravo's gonna do like an extended cut, sort of like that time on New Jersey after like season one, the famous table flip, they did like a, like they made a whole episode about that dinner where they showed, you know, unaired footage.

Maybe, but they did that years later. So I don't know, you think they're holding on that tightly being like, hey, in five years, we'll make another episode. Hopefully they'll fill it out. Cause yeah, you're right. Now that I'm looking over all of this stuff, it is a lot of stuff we didn't see. Lisa crying and saying, you started this whole thing.

And then Bronwyn crying and just like kind of wiping the makeup off of her eyes, which is really all I've wanted her to do all season. And listen, I know that that double line is in fashion. Like I've seen it on other people. Of course, Sheldon, the Traders, actually has an eyelash on her eye. actually has an eyelash on her eye. She has an eyelash on her eyelid, which is something.

It looks like that's gonna open up and start eating people, you know? But anyway, I get that that's fashion. I don't think it really works for Bronwyn, right? So I was glad to see her wipe it off. I was like, oh my God, it's her arc. Her arc is coming to an end. She's wiping off that weird double line.

Yeah, she's no longer reading between the lines. She's just reading her lines. So then we, so going back to breakfast, um, people are just having their own breakfast, et cetera. And then we see Meredith and she has this like brown furry eye mask that she's put over like one half of her eye. She's, and I was like, is that intentional or is she just still drunk from last night? She's like, wow, hello. Heather, it's official. I have scratched my cornea.

I woke up and I woke up with a scratched cornea. I was like, no, for some reason, this show really has an issue with morning eye injuries on vacation. How are you guys still not having cameras in their room at night? Yeah, how do we not get to the bottom of the scratch cornea?

The good news is that that scratch cornea unscratch itself by the time we got to the dinner because there was no eye mask in sight. Is that how corneas work? I don't think that's how they work. But maybe she just diagnosed herself as having a scratched cornea. And now there's like, Oh my god, a scratched cornea. Meredith, is that what it is? The pirate patch? Is that why you're wearing that? Like's like, you know, a little calmer. So Heather's like, wow, you've never screamed at me before like you did last night. Well, I don't feel like I'm heard unless I lose my temper and start screaming.

And we get a flashback of Heather being like, why are you screaming at me? In life, sometimes people scream at you and other times people don't say anything to you. What's better, being in a checkout line when people are screaming or knowing their friends are in their car, listening to their phones and checking out their favorite party. Could you stay on? I don't need a monologue. I'm sorry, was that my outside voice?

We are friends. And you know, by the way, Heather's big move also is that she likes to take her finger and hold it like an inch above the table and then point as if she's hitting like a button on a keyboard when she talks. She's like, we are friends and you don't have to yell at me and derail my whole nighttime activity. Oh, I agree. And Heather goes, well, I accept your apology, even though there was nothing even close to apology even uttered at this table. Well, where's your apology about all the infidelity stuff? I like that. Yeah. And it's not even going to bother.

It's like, whatever. Thank you. My cornea says thank you. So then we get to all the girls getting texts. It's like bloop, bloop, bloop, hop up. And it's a text that says that they have fun activities. But first it's a tribute to Lisa lunch. Lunch is like breakfast, but it's with friends. Lunch is the best dinner to have with friends unless they're enemies.

It's like, oh, unless they're enemies. It's like, oh, for fuck's sake, we just get through this episode, Heather. So it's gonna be a tribute to Lisa lunch. So then we cut right to Heather coming out of her room and she's got like the Lisa wig on and she's like, Lisa put together such an amazing trip and I really want to have a theme lunch to thank her,

because that's what friends do. They cut hard, but they also do tributes hard. But I know that Lisa hates themes, but I knew there would be one theme that Lisa would love. Mm, so Lisa comes out, she's like, hey, where are you guys? Oh my gosh, oh my gosh. And when we see what she's oh

my gosh-ing, we see that everybody is in baby gorgeous wigs. Dressed like yes. And Meredith is like, in the 10 years that I've known Lisa, I don't think I've ever seen her speechless until now. Honestly, these girls have never looked better. And even though Whitney is wearing like three year old Tom Ford pants, she still looks good. So they go to this restaurant and she's like,

Hi, we have a reservation for eight leases. And the hostess is like, what the fuck? I was dying when they walked up to the restaurant and every single And the hostess is like, what the fuck? What are you talking about? When they walked up to the restaurant and every single one of the ladies is going, Oh my God, I love this. I love that. Look at that. I love that. I love that. I love that. So then they all, um, they all order and the waiters like, what, you know, what, they're like, what's good here? And he's like, well, the lobster is very good.

And they all go, Oh, I love that. I love that. Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. Can I touch? So now, Heather gives her intro monologue to this thing. She's like, thank you everyone for being such good sports. You know what else is like a sport? Friendship. Sometimes you catch the ball. Sometimes you don't, but you still run down the field and hope someone will try throwing it to you again.

We sign up for this. We sign up for this for the ridicule, for the critiques, for the attacks. But one thing we also sign up for is sisterhood. Sisterhood that can come together wearing wigs. Now, everyone do an impersonation of Lisa Barlow. So Bronwyn, and I have to give it to Heather, she is stirring a lot in this episode, but A, that's kind of her role on the show. And B, is she's doing it in more creative ways. It's not just a hi everybody, we're going to play a game at lunch. Everybody go around and say why they hate Lisa Barlow. You know, she knows this is gonna cause trouble because how can it not?

You're with one of the most sensitive people in the world and you know that people are gonna be mean to her and you know she's gonna lose her shit. But at least it was creative. It was the first time we've ever seen it on Housewives, so. It was. It also gave Whitney a chance to like, resurrect her storyline, her feud,

because Whitney's kind of been in the back seat a little bit, uh, the second half of the season and you know, it was like Whitney's like, you know what? I'm not going to let the season finale, you know, just end without me saying my piece. So Whitney had a really big comeback, um, episode. I would have to say. Whitney was just a struggle muggle over there trying so hard. And you know, Lisa fell right into it. That's for sure. But oh, my God, Whitney is so sad. And also, I will never forgive

Whitney for something that happens in this episode. And it's about to happen right now. So they they all take turns doing imitations and prom was like, Oh, sorry, you caught me catching my 200th selfie of the day. Well, I've got my Tom Ford and my Bottega. Very exclusive. I got it off the runway. I know you didn't go, but I did. And Lisa's like, ha ha ha ha. That was so funny. That was so good. You should call Saturday Night Live. That was amazing. Very good. And Angie's like, Oh, Mary, I heard you got a new Range Rover. I love that. I could have got a Range Rover, but I got a G wagon instead. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Oh, my God. That's so funny. So because I did get a G wagon. That's so good. That is so good.

That is hilarious. Whitney, why don't you go and Whitney say, That is so good. That is hilarious. Whitney, why don't you go? And Whitney's like, Um, here, this is my Lisa Barlow voice. I just love my $60,000 rings. I have like 20 of them. And then she turns around and starts doing like a runway walk and she's got all these price tags hanging out. And Lisa's like, Oh my God, though, but your tag is showing. Your tag is showing, Whitney. Oh my God though, but your tag is showing. Your tag is showing, Whitney. Yeah, I know. It's because I have to return it after the trip.

Okay, that's not me then, stupid. That's not me. God, I hate her. I hope she dies right now. That is not me. No, it's not. And Whitney's like, I would rather die than be Lisa for a day,

but I'm gonna lean into it and I'm gonna be the fakest, phoniest, cattiest materialistic stick, stick, stick to it. Can we start over? No, Whitney, keep going. Friendship is like a ham sandwich. Sometimes it's good and other times it's good too. I love friendship.

Whitney. Stick to the original script. Matura Matila. I'm going to be Matilda. Matilda is dick bitch. So Lisa's like, okay, you know what? I was all about Whitney until I saw the tags hanging out. Like, what are you implying? Just that maybe you're like a little more fake than you come off. Fake. I'm fake. Just because I have a fake tan on right now.

I think you're very fake. I think you're really bad at diving into connection and feelings and understanding people. I think you're a friendship. The friendships serve. I think, Heather, how do you do this all the time? There's so many words. Friendship is like a prison, but sometimes you get to go outside, nevermind.

Hey, that's not even close to who I am, Whitney. Yeah, well, you tend to make stuff about yourself. Okay, first of all, you're making the whole Lisa Lynch about yourself, and who are you calling fake when you literally have a new face and your whole jewelry line is on Alibaba. And there's people who get mad that we say that because they're like,

Oh, this is called distributors and people get stuff from distributors and you should stop slandering her. The exact pictures are the same ones on Alibaba. Like at least be creative and change your shit up before you call people fake. Whitney. By the way, I don't care about your face being fake. I'm just jealous. I want my eyelids done so bad.

I want my eyelids done and my waddles done. So whatever, Whitney, enjoy your faces. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer. And let me tell you, we're kicking off this new year with a whole new mindset. You know how everyone's all about new year, new me.

Well, on Baby This Is Kiki Palmer, we're taking it to a whole other level. We're talking new year, new perspectives. And honey, it's gonna change your life. I sat down with astrology queen, Channing Nicholas. Y'all, if you wanna to understand yourself better this year, this episode is it. And then there's my chat with the incredible DaVinci

where nothing was off the table. If you're looking to level up your mindset this year, his words are definitely gonna hit different. If you're ready for that new year, new mindset energy, you've got to tune into, baby, this is Kiki Palmer. Catch it on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. And for the full experience, head to my YouTube channel.

If you're looking for more podcasts to help you tend to your wellbeing, check out New Year, New Mindset on the Wondery app. Let's make this year our best one yet, baby. Hey y'all, it's your girl Kiki Palmer. And let me tell you, we're kicking off this new year with a whole new mindset. You know how everyone's all about new year, new me. Well, on Baby This Is Kiki Palmer,

we're taking it to a whole other level. We're talking new year, new perspectives. And, honey, it's gonna change your life. I sat down with astrology queen Channing Nicholas. Y'all, if you want to understand yourself better this year, this episode is it. And then there's my chat with the incredible J.K. I sat down with astrology queen, Channing Nicholas. Y'all, if you want to understand yourself better this year, this episode is it. And then there's my chat with the incredible DaVinci

where nothing was off the table. If you're looking to level up your mindset this year, his words are definitely gonna hit different. If you're ready for that new year, new mindset energy, you've got to tune into, baby, this is Kiki Palmer. Catch it on the Wanderer app or wherever you get your podcast. And for the full experience, head to my YouTube channel. If you're looking for more podcasts to help you tend to your well-being,

check out New Year New Mindset on the Wondery app. Let's make this year our best one yet, baby. So Lee says like, this isn't even close to who I am. And Whitney goes, but you tend to make things about yourself. And Lisa goes, your gut is off. It's leaking. Take a probiotic. It's a mess.

Take that fucking wig off your head. Don't be me because you'll never be me. She's like, I don't want to be Lisa Barlow. I don't want to be a mean, nasty, horrible person. But you're mean and nasty and horrible fucking liar. Okay. And you never sell as many companies as I have. You'll never be as ethical as I have. I saved the dolphin from Buckfest.

You will never be as ethical as I am. Shut the fuck up and listen to me. And so Lisa stands up and reaches across the table. It's a good old fashioned, you know, it was the Lisa Rinna swat at the air, come close to the neck and then not, but she was trying to get the wig off of Whitney's head, I think. And so, and then everyone's like, oh my God.

And I was like, oh my God, oh my God, oh no. Oh, this is, I can't nod fast enough to show how upset I am right now. So Lisa's yelling at her to get the wig off. You've lied about me, you've lied about my marriage. You've lied about everything that I fucking care about. Remember when you said that Frosty was a peanut buster parfait?

You bitch, you bitch, don't fuck with Wendy. You've done the same thing to me. You plant things about my marriage, my business, my, um, potted plants. And she's like, go prove that. Go get your purse and then I'm going to sue the fuck out of you and take your fucking new house. So Lisa's like, what a shitty person. Yeah, she's like, I'm not forgetting this time.

And Brittany's like, um, Lisa, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Listen, Jared just sent me a text and he said, he hasn't even known Lisa that long, but she would never do that. And if she's free Tuesday, he would love to take her out. God damn it. God damn it. Ding, ding, ding. I'm breaking up with Jared. I'm breaking up with Jared. Lisa, I haven't known you that long and you've been the most loyal person. Like to me, Whitney, that just makes no sense. And Mary's like,

Brittany, I don't know why you're even chiming in on anything, considering the fact that you recorded this whole group. And once everybody got a little tipsy, they forgot about it. But I didn't forget. And she's like, are you serious? You do, you all do this exact same thing as me. And especially you. Don't you remember everybody? Mary was recording out the window. How come no one, no one ripped Mary's head off? And Mary's like, you're a liar. Girl, shut up. You got caught is what you did is what you got. Okay, well, then I'll point out that when everybody does the exact same thing as I did,

I'm going to point that out. And Heather's like, no one secretly records each other. That's horrifying. That's a reach, Brittany. And she's like, yeah, well, you've been torturing me, calling me vile and vicious and cruel. Well, you know what? Those are my feelings and you wouldn't know that if you hadn't been putting listening devices in my room. Yeah, but like, well, you know what, Meredith, I will never ever recover from that. Okay?

Do you understand? Well, I'm also entitled to my feelings, and as the mother of a toddler, I'm in a sensitive place right now. And maybe I won't recover from the things you did to me. I mean, I was so out of my mouth to someone. Never! And Meredith is like, well, you just accused someone of mental health and eating disorders

behind their back. Which no one really did, but I love Meredith's commitment to the cause. I know. Don't talk to me. I'm still crying over the slut shaming. And she's like, well, clearly I don't have any friends here. Ding, ding, ding. I'm walking away from this table. Please don't follow me. If you do follow me, I will be at that round Ottoman thingy two tables down. You do have friends here. You do have friends. This is a

friendship circle. We get together, we put on bonnets, we make butter. Sure, we fight, but we also hug and this is a sorority, a sorority that Heather just go and find your friend. Just go after her, Heather. So Heather goes, and Mary was like, let her go. That girl is good. Don't worry. And you know, uh, by the way, in the middle of this Brittany had said that Mary was also recording people. So Angie is like, Angie gets up, she's like,

I'm going to get up for a second and see if there's Spanakopita over there. So she goes after Brittany and Mary is like, what the fuck? Yeah. And she's like, I'm trying to figure out why Angie's over there. So she goes after Brittany and Mary is like, what the fuck? Yeah. And she's like, I'm trying to figure out why, you know, she's over there. Like, leave that girl alone. And so we see them talking to Brittany behind a giant spanakopita tree and Mary's like, why are you chasing a girl that doesn't like me? I mean, she just accused me of recording too. I mean, don't run after people that don't like me. Don't do that. Okay. So, um, but you have to set that boundary first, you know, you can't ask a Greek lady who's so proud of her heritage to choose between your invisible boundary and Hispanic open

a tree. Yeah, no, no. So Brahman is telling Mary that they've got to go horse riding and Whitney's like, no, I've got to go learn how to make a ceviche Whitney. What? Nevermind. Okay, well, I'm going to bring, we'll bring some home to you Whitney. We'll bring some ceviche to go. It'll last for many, many days. You can enjoy it. I'll bring some back. I don't want to eat Whitney's ceviche. She would do it wrong. No, I don't want Whitney's. It sounds like salmonella-che.

I don't want it. I also feel like she wouldn't even use fish. It would probably, like her ceviche is probably just like, like macaroons or something. No polish. It's just Prism necklaces. Look, I marinated my necklace in lime juice and you still left it in Milwaukee. Wait a minute.

How come this lime juice didn't cook this aluminum tin foil I put in there? I cooked Bobby's soda with lime juice. Now she's drinking ceviche. So I love that the editors just cut out this big Britney scene, because Britney's trying so hard to have a moment, and the editors are like, I'm not showing it.

Okay, so let's get past the talk. So Heather's like, we better go. We have an appointment for ceviche. Friends don't miss ceviche. Unless they're enemies. So Angie's like, well, I'm supposed to go horseback riding. Hopefully it's a Pegasus. And Heather is like, well, you can switch up the itinerary. So they basically

like, make Brittany feel better and sort of like, pick her up off the Ottoman and bring her back. Yeah. So then they go to ride some horses and some of the girls are riding horses and Then the other girls are doing ceviche making with chef Israel And he's like you have all the ingredients in front of you red onion beautiful sweet sweet potato They use sweet potatoes on their ceviche. That's delightful. Yeah, also like like a Peruvian Ceviche has sweet potato and it's lovely.

Wow, that does sound lovely. I've never thought of marinating a sweet potato in a lime before. So is it the same as our potato, like an orange mushy thing? I think so. I mean, I guess what I'm just, I'm not going to speak on authority about Peruvian ceviches and I don't know if it's exclusive to Peruvian ceviches, but I've had ceviches at Peruvian restaurants that have had chunks of sweet potato in them. And they were orange and they were delicious. It was a wonderful- Were they mushy or were they kind of crunchy?

They were soft. They had like a really nice texture. Because another thing is that there are these, sometimes these like kind of nuts. Well, there's like corn, these corn kernel things. They're like Peruvian corn, which is like the kernels are much bigger. And that has a certain texture. I think there's sometimes are nuts. I don't know if they're nuts or maybe they're toasted something that became nutty. I don't know. But you have some crunch from that and you have

the soft sweet potato. It's like a really nice, like, you know how like, the seafood has like a certain kind of chew to it. So when you get the soft sweet potato, it just is like a really nice, sweet, soft pillow for the ceviche. Well, you heard it here first. So, That's Ben, that's Ben.

Talking out of his ass about Peruvian ceviche, even though we're talking about Mexican ceviche on the show. Yeah, if you're a waiter, I would order that. So he tells him how to make it and Heather's like, and lime juice will just cook the fish. Why am I microwaving hot dogs? We could serve my kids ceviche. I have a big dick. have a big day. Popped out of her. We come here together as sisters, microwaving hot dogs. But what none of us realize is that if we just put all our issues to the side, we could be cooking with lime juice.

Israel's like, um, can we get back to some place? So we go horseback riding and these horses hate them. Okay. These horses are drag race fans. Let's just say that. They're anti housewives, right? And they are, they are team Bob. These, these horses, you were right. I did read that on the internet. The fandoms of the trade, we're talking about the traders. For those of you who don't know, there is a drag race guy, Bob the drag queen, and he's trying to kick off the housewives. So we're mortified. So the fandoms are coming for each other. The RuPaul people are going against the Housewives people, and they're

all going against the Challenge people. And it's pretty great to read. It is Game of Thrones. It is amazing because Bob is like, all you Housewives people, I'm not afraid of you. And so not Housewives people are like, I'll get him. So it's a great mess over there. I mean, I'm not afraid of you. And so now people like, Oh, get him. So, um, it's a great mess over there. I mean, I think we should all get along. We should be allies. There's no reason why drag queen and housewives fans should be at each other's throats. I thought we were allies. I didn't know we didn't like, join together against the Derrick's and the West's of the world.

That's the problem. We need to, we need to join alliances and get rid of the bro bros. Well, that's the thing. That's how this all happens because Bob the Drag Queen, I think on some level is worried that if he doesn't get, it doesn't go after housewives, people will assume he's with housewives. And then, I don't know.

Well, I'm just gonna blame the bros. Suviche, am I right? Guys, let's just all marinate in lime juice and call it a day. So we go back to horseback riding and Bromwyn is terrified. And she should be. I mean, she's, she hasn't had a great month with animals on this show in general. She's like, this one is an ugly horse. Puss is coming out of her mauling wounds. Yeah. Yeah. She's still probably like ripped open from head to toe from those damn dogs and she's now on this horse The mad horse was mannerisms like Meredith it was very like

I was like, oh my god, that horse is galloping in its own head Did you put a hearing device in my stable? Ney. So she's scared and then Meredith is acting up too. And she, but then hers calms down a little and she sees Bromwins is going crazy. And she goes, well, I feel like we got my horses that represent our personalities. And then her horse farts and she goes, well, I feel like we got my horses that represent our personalities.

And then her horse farts and she's like, am I right, horsey? And then we see the horse and its horse siblings all putting their hooves on a lemon as a farmer slices it. So then the girls, the girls now it's time now we're at dinner by over like 13 minutes into the episode and we're already at the final dinner of the season. I wonder if this just ended if Bromwell was like, I'm too rich to die like this. No, I will not do this. I will not do it. Um, so they're showing up and Lee says like, for our last night in Mexico,

I organized the most epic dinner at the Vedanta World Luxury Theme Park. It's like, of course, this show would like have a final luxury dinner at an amusement park. The Ferris Wheel and boarder coasters. The Vedanta World Luxury Theme Park. Now, I will say this, I mean, it's an obvious commercial, right?

It's a good commercial. I wanted to go there when I saw the theme park. It looked beautiful. What is a luxury theme park? Does it actually like a, like what does this actually mean? A luxury theme park? I don't know, but Vedante, give us a call.

We want to come. We will do what we do to get. We will do a show. We will do a live show at the luxury theme park if it means we get a trip down there. Probably five people will show up, but we will fucking do it. You want to see me, Vedanta? We will record from the roller coaster, okay? So now the waiter comes and takes her orders and then Bronwyn does she's like, I think girls, I think we should do a Mexican toast. Yes. Yes. You all agree? Yes. Yes, you do. Okay,

so it's a more salute, piss a test, eat tempo para gastarias. Okay, so that means love, wealth, health, and time in which to spend all of Todd's money. Okay. and time in which to spend all of Todd's money. Okay. Great. Opa! Opa! We were last night in Puerto Vallarta, everybody.

So Angie has ordered some pizza and Whitney is sitting in between Angie and Mary. So- I don't mean to interrupt. I mean, I do, because I'm interrupting. But I love that they're at this luxury dinner or whatever, and like three of them order pepperoni pizza. Well, it's housewives, you know what I mean?

They're like, listen, I'm eating five bites today is going to be what I fucking want. Yes. When you're eating so little, five bites of pizza is a luxury. We're not shooting tomorrow. I'm going to have the pepperoni. Like, yeah. So,

Angie, Whitney's sitting between Angie and Mary and Angie's like, Mary, do you want a piece of pepperoni? And Mary just kind of gives her a look like, she's like, no, Mary, you are being very quiet with me. She's like, I know. She's like, no, Mary, you are being very quiet with me. She goes, I know. She goes, what's going on?

She goes, what do you think is going on? Running out the door like with Brittany and went out there and stayed with her so you don't care what I feel with her. She goes, I do care. And I've told her she's not been very nice to you. And then you ran after her. I've been spending months trying to gain your confidence, Mary. She goes, and I didn't ask you to,

that was a choice you made. And she's like, but you made the choice too, but my friend and you said God brought us together and we went together like olives and feta. And I believe that you believe that, I believe that you greatly believed that. And Mary's like, I did believe it, but I can be wrong. I'm human.

She goes, wrong about what? She's like, right. I love trying to explain to Angie that she hates her now because Angie just doesn't get it. She's like, but wrong about what? It's like wrong about you. Aren't you serious? Yeah.

She's like, Mary, Mary. And she's like, I feel like I'm really big on loyalty. And Angie's like, look at me, Mary. And by the way, when we've seen Mary do this before, people sort of like snap back at Mary. And so she closes off even more. But Angie is actually giving like an honest appeal because they have a true friendship. And she's like, look at me, Mary, look at me. I found some spanacopa, the tree's right over there. Okay, keep looking at me. I'm so sorry. Give me your hand, Mary, look at me. I found some spanakopita. The tree's right over there. Okay. Keep looking

at me. I'm so sorry. Give me your hand, Mary. Give me your hand, Mary, Mary. Mary's like, no. Yeah. She's like, no. And so she's like, Mary, and she starts crying. She's like, you've changed my life. And then I started crying. Such a sad story. It was like, that was so beautiful. I don't know how Mary changed, I don't know how Mary changed your life, but I trust that it happened. I feel like it's probably a religious thing. They probably talked about God and stuff, right? Yeah, probably.

She's like, you changed my life. You took half of my income to build a church that never opened. And I just don't understand how we're not closer. You taught me that I can have things that aren't white in my house. I can have pink things and blue things. It doesn't have to all be white furniture. When you called me and made me one of the people that you called an overweight nothing,

poor person, because I didn't buy you a Chanel for your birthday, I mean, it made me feel so included, Mary, with the rest of your congregation. You taught me that you can watch a bat mitzvah from the outside, not just from the inside. I don't even go to temple anymore. I just stand outside and look in while I smoke a cigarette. So Mary's like, well, you hurt me. So then Mary's crying and she's like, but I didn't mean to hurt you. And she's like, but you did hurt me

cause I told you everything. And she was, I know that is why you're hurting me right now. And she's like, but it's just, okay. Now this is where it gets super impressive because we've never seen this from Mary. We've seen the other part where Mary just kind of turns on a friend and it's like, fuck you now, I don't like you. But we haven't seen her actually stay at the table

and finish it in kind of a mature way. I was shocked and it was actually a really, really good turn. So she's like, I'm like that. She said, it's just that because both my parents abandoned me and my dad even admitted it that he didn't like me. And my mom, who was my best friend, cut me off. I mean, granted, you did marry the grandpa that she wanted to marry and took her church,

but still, let's put that aside. And she's like, and now, you know, I'm just an adult with abandoned minishes and I don't like when people betray me and I don't do well with it and I'd rather walk away. And this was just so good. I mean, it was really beautiful and really crazy that she even saw that, honestly. And she's like, because I

remember feeling from six years old when my dad left and he told me my mommy, he didn't like me because I spoke my mind. And so when somebody abandons me, I feel like it's with my dad all over again. I was like, oh my God. He was so sad. And then Angie's like, I'm not abandoning you. That's why this is so sad for me because I lost my mom to Mary and I have abandonment issues too. And they're like clasping hands. By the way, they're like having to do this all over Whitney. Like Whitney's in the middle, like, um, when can I go back to my pepperoni pizza?

Cause they're like talking, they're like holding hands in front of her. So Mary tells us that when you have abandonment issues, she says, I feel like you lead with that for the rest of your life. It's scarring. And then you go through life and people abandon you and just brings up that same feeling with my dad walking out the door. And she says, and he never came back. Sorry, I will never be able to forget it. He never came back. And then like he didn't even care. He just went and lived his life. So I brace myself just in case Yes, so they cry and Andy's like I'm so sorry I made you feel that way and I do love you

You are the ta to my heenie. I want to be your friend forever. And so Mary's like, I realized that Angie does have my back. We're sisters. And she just like, does it look squint? Little satisfied squid smile. And it was really cute.

What a nice, what a nice wrap up to that. And I'm extremely happy because Angie must have had a really rough week because the previews last week made it look like they showed this scene. But we kind of all assumed that Angie probably told people about Mary's son, which would have been a huge ball threading that. So I'm wondering how many people online have been like, fuck off, Angie, you untrustworthy heathen. I am so happy that that's not what this was about.

Like it was weird. I kind of like everyone was rooting for that not to be the case. I think people really enjoy this friendship because it does feel genuine. And at least they portrayed it in a really sweet way. Like Bravo has given like a little bit of tenderness and care around this friendship. And we've seen them have special moments together, even on this trip. Remember when Mary showed up on the trip and then they hug? It was just so sweet. And then Angie was helping with Mary's hair, maybe not effectively, but she was helping.

And it was just, I don't know, like I think we all are kind of rooting for this on a show where they really take each other down so many pegs and they'll just go there. It was, it's nice to have this friendship. Yeah, it is. So then Mary's like, yeah, guys, every time I hang up the phone, I don't want to say I love you to her because I'm waiting for her to say it first. And they're like, oh my God, that's so cute. first. And they're like, Oh, my God, that's so cute. This is like, that is hilarious. That is hilarious. You know what the person at the Wendy's drive through said the same thing to me. I got my fries and I was like, Oh, my God, I love you. And she was like, I didn't want to say it first. And

I was like, I'm not talking to you. But thank you. She started crying. It was so sad. Anyway, what were we talking about? So, Angie's like, I do love you. I mean it. So, Heather's like, Mary, I love what you shared. I thought it was beautiful. And I love this friendship. And I know she's your friend. And this was great. Who else wants to clear the air because we had a beautiful moment. And I think we should only follow it up with an incredibly, incredibly toxic fight. Yeah. Well, listen, I do have an issue and a concern and a cornea that and I think we should only follow it up with an incredibly, incredibly toxic fight.

Yeah. Well, listen, I do have an issue and a concern and a cornea that scratched. So listen, I want everybody to look at the tag on my car. It's a double disability. So I am backing into the space and I'm staying here for as long as I like. Now you will listen to me. Okay. I shook my head so much, I forgot my place in the notes. Okay, oh, here we go. Okay, thank you. I can help other side of my brain. Get over.

Whitney, okay, you accused Lisa of planting a story with the blog about your jewelry company and sources that the story says that you sourced stuff off of only blah off of. And she's like, huh? What? I'm going to let you finish that pepperoni in your mouth before I continue. Just let me know when you're ready for me.

I forgot what we were talking about. OK, well, you said that you had proof. Receive timeline, everybody. that you had proof. Receive! Timeline! Everybody! My song is playing. Okay, when I say proof, you say receipts. Ferris wheel, your turn. So Meredith is like, well, you said you had proof and the person who supposedly gave you this proof contacted me and told me a very different story. Oh, up and at him, get my messy.

I love it. Yeah, speak those calls, boo. Yeah. Well, years ago, hello America, I'm talking to you now. Years ago, I met the podcast that Whitney has been talking to, and over the years we've seen each other over a handful of time, and recently he called me and told me that Whitney had reached out to him saying that she thought Lisa had planted the Ali-Bwah-Bwah rumor. And she was enlisting him to try and get proof while he told me that he had never given her

proof and that Whitney had twisted his words around to say that he gave her the proof when he had back to not give her the proof. Gabbled people done. Yeah, we'll be, we'll time. Wait, okay. He said it's Lisa and it was followed by a phone call that explained it. She's, yeah, that's not proof. I don't feed blogs. I don't talk to blogs. She's, yeah, you do.

Because I have a lot of proof of it. Ha! Prove it and show it, which you do need to do. This is a finale. This has been your only big fight this whole season. Where's the proof? I mean, are we waiting for the reunion? I don't believe Whitney.

I think Whitney's full of it. So, and Adam said that she's full of it. So, I mean, I don't know though. Are we supposed to believe Adam? Because the way that they're telling, I mean, do you want, especially Meredith, I guess I'm asking. So do we believe Adam or not? Because if we believe Adam, I'm so confused. I mean, look, I if I were like,

if I were friends, like, I would never let a content creator come between a friendship, I think. I don't I mean, I don't think so. I mean, let's see. What if it was like Alison Roman? What if Alison Roman was? Let's have a fuck Ronnie pie making contest. Well, unfortunately Ronnie doesn't get to do that. Ronnie has a waddle. You're like, here's my pie. It's called Waddle Pie. It's dedicated to stupid Ronnie.

I will allow, unfortunately Ronnie, Alison Roman could get between us. You would do it. I know you would. You're like not up in Adam though. No, no, but what I'm saying is that like, well, listen, we went on to Adam's show and he was super nice. Yeah.

And he seemed like just a lovely, lovely person. But like, if you're a celebrity, you have to question like anyone who's doing a podcast, you have to question their motives, you do. I'm not saying that Adam, or Shane, or anything. Including us. Yeah, including us. Because the thing is, you're famous

and our jobs depend on us talking about you guys. So like, I'm not, like we're, I feel like we're, I feel like no one's more ethical than us. I feel like we're pretty good on this front. But you know, like if you're like a celebrity. We've kept a lot in our vault for sure. Yeah, we have. And like if you're a celebrity.

But we also stay upfront, like, okay, we don't care about you and we're not a really gossip podcast. I mean, now we do the crappy hour live thing, but we just read what other people give us. We're not really like a gossip podcast. But we tell people when we meet them right up front, it's cool to meet you, but we don't need anything from

you, and you're not getting anything from us. And when we go back to work tomorrow, we're going to be mocking you relentlessly still. So if you're okay with that, let's continue this dinner. You know, I think I'm pretty good about being up front. And so I just feel like I'm just I'm trying to explain this in a way that I'm not I'm really not trying to shade Adam because I thought he was so nice. It was, it's more like from the perspective of you're someone on TV, if you see that there is like a podcaster or a blogger or a content creator that's talking to one cast member

and that cast member is having this reaction. And then they go and talk to another cast member and they say, oh, they're having this reaction. I just feel like I would put my relationship that I, of the person that I know better first. I think I would, I like to think that, unless Alison Rotman gets involved, in which case all bets are off.

But they- Well, but Adams came out already and said his side, which is that Whitney is lying, that Whitney asked him for stuff and that he told her, no, he told her something else on the phone, but the editors edited it together. Made it look. Right, so sound like he was agreeing with Whitney.

And so that was a whole lie between Whitney and production. So is that a lie or? I mean, I, now in this case, I do believe Adam. I also believe that Whitney is not very bright and I feel like Whitney is cut from like the, that, that housewife cloth where they hear something different than reality. And I think that she, I think Whitney believes what she's saying is true.

I don't think that Whitney is actively lying. Right. Like it could be Whitney going, okay, here's the clues. Did the person who sent the blog about Ali, did that, was that one of, was that somebody that knows Lisa? Was it Lisa? Well, no. Could it have been somebody named Lisa? Possibly. I mean, that's a pretty common name. Wait a minute. It must be Lisa. Just rides off on her little bike, you know, into Cabot. Yeah, who knows with Whitney. Yeah, I think that Whitney like hears things and then she synthesizes. I don't know. I don't know what.

Whitney lies though straight up. Whitney fucking lies straight up though. Just for jazz shit and all of that. I mean, she's, she's got so many lies on this show. Like, that's how the season opened was with everybody comfortable you exploited my vagina, that whole vagina controversy that was straight up lie where like, where Heather was like, we talked about it, we cleared it. And now all of a sudden, you're gonna act like you're mad about it. So yeah, she does have she

does struggle with the truth. Yeah. But either way, I'm just saying, ultimately they are just tearing each other down so hard and it's all because of the third party that they don't know very well. Well, Meredith isn't really tearing her down. She's just saying, that's been your storyline all season

and I've talked to the blogger and it's bullshit. She didn't say, and it's bullshit. She didn't say and it's bullshit. Oh, you know, she just said it's bullshit. So she didn't do any tearing down. I'm a mother, I'm a toddler. I wouldn't speak like that. So, um, Lisa's like, throw that. And when he goes, but it's no secret that you fed reality Von T's, but she's what did you, what did I feed? What did I feed Reality Von Tees?

You better be real clear right now. She's just, well, you would just say things like, hey, this situation and stuff about Jen, and you would send it to this account, and you'd be like, blah, blah, blah, this, and blah, blah, blah, that, et cetera, et cetera. I don't believe this for one second because Lisa would send it to bigger accounts.

Reality Vontis was not a big account. I mean, they're making it sound like it was this huge thing on this show, but it wasn't. It's a big now because everybody notes the name because of the controversy, but it was like 2000 people or something. It wasn't that huge of an account. Lisa would go for the big dogs.

I think what Whitney's talking about, and this is Lisa's constant commenting. Like if you read Lisa's Twitter, she will go comment on every content creator's bullshit and say, this isn't true. You know, like she's in one this week because like Mary Cosby's fan page keeps saying, Queen Mary created the show.

And it was even said in the book that Mary created the show. And then Lisa's like, I'm gonna comment just so this is straight. I'm the one to share with Senator Matt. Everybody knows that. And then she has her own proof. She goes into all of the fights with people.

So Whitney might've been like, you engaged with Reality Von Teese and said something. Maybe that's true. But I don't believe Lisa's like covertly sending Reality Von Teese anything. I didn't say that, true. Yeah. But I don't believe Lisa's like covertly sending reality Von T's anything. I didn't say that! You're lying! I can bring up my phone right now and show you.

Actually, no, I didn't. I didn't do that. It's not true. It's not true. It's not true. And so Heather goes, who told you that shit? And when he goes, I reached out to the most credible source I could find, Monica. Friendship.

Oh, bye! And Meredith is like, well, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, most unreliable narrator, Monica, of course, will say Lisa helped out because Monica will do anything to cause like chaos and to bring down Lisa Barlow. And to get back, you know, get back on the show. She probably thinks she's still on break, you know, and she might be, who knows? She might be on what do you call it? Pause. She might be brought back, who knows? So, you know, Jen Shaw now is getting out even earlier. She's gonna be out by Thanksgiving 2026. I'm telling you, she's gonna be out in 2025.

I just feel it coming. I feel it fucking coming. You know what? A lot of people are gonna be out of jail in 2025 and I think Jen Shaw just may be one of them. So Heather is like, after everything we've gone through to distance ourselves from her and her memory, there's no fucking way you did this. What level of desperation and paranoia led you to think that this was a good move? That that that would somehow strengthen your

case to go to one person who has the least credibility among any of us. Oh God, I'm really just on a roll with these monologues today. I reached out to her out of desperation because I was sick of being called a liar because she said she had proved that Lisa fed information to press outlets and then press outlets would feed information to Lisa. I'm so tired. Have I been running? to the least. I'm so tired. Have I been running? The best part about those press outlets is that you can get the same press for about 50% off. No, Whitney, they're not the same as a clothing outlet. Oh, that's a fucking lie. You just make up shit, Whitney.

Oh my gosh. A snake has proof. Let's run and best friend her and fucking call her. I'm disgusted. Horrifying. You put baby in a corner. And Heather's like, that is a betrayal to me. I didn't fucking corner you. I was your friend.

I was your sister. I was your confidant. And the second the winds changed, you pulled out your umbrella and you started walking a different way. And friendship isn't that. Friendship is snuggling under a blanket. Shut up, Heather.

I'm not even talking to you. These two cornered me, the dark haired ones. And she does a point. Yeah, and Lisa's like, don't point your finger at me. And he takes both her fingers and is like, ha, ha. So Lisa just ignores her. It looks like Lisa's gonna snatch

her fucking hair off her scalp, but she doesn't. She just, she's like, she just let it go. So Mary is like, well, first of all, I mean, you guys are not the friendliest people, okay? So you're not the friendliest, and you're not either. Lisa, she's like, oh, you know what? Let me lie about you and see how you respond. Yeah, but like when you're mad at people

and you like gang up on them, and then you make people do things in despair. I was one. Well, it's weird that Mary is- Could you be more specific? I feel like Mary is writing poetry over there. You make people do things in despair. What the fuck are you talking about?

The fact that Mary is actually sort of defending Whitney is a little wild right now. Bubblehead. Bubblehead. Honestly, that image of Whitney double pointing at Lisa Barlow was kind of like the most amazing thing she did all season. That was so funny. So yeah, so Heather goes, look at us.

Look at us. Everyone, buckle yourselves up, because we're going to do this. This one's a page. Girl, this is a whole page monologue. This one, what was shocking about this monologue is if I remember correctly, the trailer for the season, they use this monologue in the trailer and I assume she was reading off a script, but she was actually just monologuing at the table. Yeah. So she goes on this whole, we're obsessed with trying to find the receipts,

trying to find the proof, trying to find the timeline. It's a musical now, you guys. Just like to thank you everybody for nominating me for this Tony Award. Yeah, I'd like to thank Sir Elton John for doing the score. So she says, we're just trying to- Receipts through timeline. Can you feel the receipts tonight?

Ah. There's 11 reprises of that song. It's just gonna be so good. Listen, we're trying to poke holes in each other's stories, expose each other, find out who plans a story about us. It's not okay to have you having horrible fights with them over a blogger who's exploiting all of you, a stranger on the internet, a stranger,

and he's turning you against each other. The only people who should be turning you against each other is each of us. We made fun of Monica for having a burn book, and then look how many people want to burn my book after reading five pages of it. I was kidding, that was actually a good book. But still, we are worse than the lady with a burn book. Look at us, what's happened to us?

We once were friends. Now what are we? Ghostbusters? Gremlins? Pick a movie from the 80s and let's go there. They were about friendship, am I right? Cocktail. Cocktail. Oh yeah. Okay, everybody. Who wants to go down to Kokomo? All I heard this night is like,

I want to prove you as a bad friend and I want to prove you as a bad friend and I want to prove you as a bad friend and receipts and proof and timeline. They're saying it all over the roller coasters and the merry-go-rounds. Well, we thought we got rid of the problem last year, but we didn't.

And I think tonight we're going to solve it. And I think the way we solve is that we should take our phones out, go through our text messages and find the worst thing we've said about someone at this table. I was like, no. You were doing well there for a moment. I literally went no. Because listen, inside voice is just gnarly. Everyone has the inside voice.

It's horrible. And the inside voice comes out when you're writing comments on Reddit or when you think people don't know what you're... It comes out in writing the most, I feel like. And you know, the most horrid inside voices are the real housewives' voices. These people are constantly having to go to battle, and the most vile shit that can possibly say, they've got it, they've got it on their phones.

Why are you doing this, Heather? Why are you giving a friendship monologue and then making everybody hurt each other to the core? This is horrible. This is gonna be the worst shit. And on top of that, I don't see how this is gonna be healing. I actually think that if you're doing something like this, I actually think it's really irresponsible To do this like hey, I've got this idea. This will heal ourselves

I think if you're really trying to heal as a group you you literally need a professional to sit down there and like guide the process But like not let's go and like just air out the worst things we've ever said about each other I was like, this is not going to help. Nothing will be released. Cause guess what? By the way, you may not realize this, you do this every year at the reunion and there's no release that comes from that.

Yeah, I think what Heather is doing is just setting up a nice, she's doing this big friendship monologue and then her thing is gonna be something really mean about Whitney. So she, it doesn't look suspicious when Whitney throws all this Lisa Barlow stuff out. I mean, I'm sure Heather knew that that was in there. These shows are so obvious. Everybody's got their pre-prepared thing ready. They didn't like sit there and scroll on their phones forever. So, I mean-

How do you find that? Like, if ever I've said anything nasty about someone on text, I'm sure I have. But like, I don't remember when and what I don't even remember what I said about someone if I was in a bad mood. Like, I don't know how you even find it. You have to do like a huge amount of scrolling. And so they definitely were searching just be like cocksucker. Here it's called Ronnie. Alison Romans like, well, remember you wrote this thing about Ronnie to me? Here it is. Thanks, Alison. And the garden's like, say it, say it, forget it, write it, regret it. Am I right? How delicious is that?

BOWEN LAUGHS I was thinking that this episode is the epitome of that saying. Yeah, truly. So, listen, first of all, terrible idea. And by the way, when I mean terrible idea, I forgot to say terrible idea. Yes, queen, yes. Terrible idea for their relationships.

Terrible. Great idea for us. See you go, girl. Congratulations, you've reached the end of part one of a two-part recap. For part two, go look for the recap that says, Part Two! Mmm! See you over there suckas! Watch what crap-ins would like to thank its premium sponsors!

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