Watch What Crappens - #270: You’ve Got Fail

Episode Date: February 26, 2016

Timestamps below! Lisa Vanderpump half ass apologizes yet again on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Eileen squints at her while on the udda side uff da town, Yolanda writes a really long email read by the cast. Newlyweds introduced us to the least homophobic parents on Earth, and Jax stole money from Tom’s couch to help pay for his Hooter girlfriend’s boob job on Vanderpump Rules. Enjoy! Crappens Mailbag: Crappens Witch Trials, Reading Kyle 21:15 RHOBH: Lisa V is sorry for whatever it is you’re mad about and Yolanda wrote a really long email. 1:25:30 Clear the Flem: New segment mocking Caroline Fleming (Ladies of London) Instagram account. 1:28:30 Newlyweds: The least homophobic parents in the world. 1:50:05 Vanderpump Rules: Groupon boobs, faux regret, Ariana’s decade long comedy career. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

From Wondery and Audible comes Class of 88, a new podcast hosted by Will Smith. Before 1988, a lot of people didn't take hip-hop seriously. But hip-hop today touches everything from film to fashion to sports. So what changed? Follow Class of 88 wherever you get your podcasts. Watch What Crappens Hello, welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the old bravs. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and my beautiful, lovely co-host with gorgeous, sparkly eyes and a soul that never needs to go through a cycle, Mr. Ben Mandelker of the B-Side Blog and the Banter Blender podcast. Hello, Ben. Hello, hello. I'm so glad I don't have to go soul cycle now. I was a little concerned.

I was just about to put on my special shoes. No, I mean, I'm not talking about exercise. I haven't seen your body in a long time, but your soul does not need to go through any cycles, okay? Your soul is fine. Would you say that it is perhaps in asylum? No, I would say that it is inconsistently. What do you call just like a consistent? You don't even have to go into the washing machine. Maybe just occasionally you need to be sprayed with that dry clean sprayer and then put in the dryer.

Maybe my soul just needs a little Febreze here and there. Yeah, sometimes, sometimes. Sounds like a massive soul decision to make. Soul cycle. Oh, my God god i can't wait to talk about soul cycle anyway welcome to the show um today we're talking about real housewives of the bev hills uh newlyweds and vanderpump drools uh come to watch what hack uh facebook come to facebook.com slash watch what crap ends to talk to other listeners throughout the week about the shows as they air there is some good funny hilarious comments going on in there and

we read them all uh you can also post your housewives articles etc come to watch what crap ends.com jesus ronnie that's it's going to be that kind of day okay i'm a stuff it really is it really is stumbling come to watch what crapens.com for our personal links if you want to find us on twitter the insta whatevs and then you should come over to patreon.com slash watch what crappens that's where you get your bonus ringtones like the one i just played for you before this episode um james's song that ben made that's a ringtone this week and next week is going to be Phaedra's Laugh. So if you want that as your ringtone, go over there. We do Google Hangouts and a weekly bonus episode.

Next week we're going to have a huge bonus episode about OJ. Two episodes of OJ. Which I'm excited because they had their Fae episode this week. I haven't seen it yet, but I'm excited to watch that. Excited. So that's it for all of that stuff. Let's get to the show, Ben! Yeah! Okay, so today we're going to talk about Real Housewives of Beverly

Hills. We are going to talk about newlyweds. I already said that, telling you you're not listening in this relationship. I, you know what, maybe my soul does need to go through a cycle. Your eardrums need a cycle. What can I say? i was staring at the little piece of ginger on my on my supermarket sushi tray and i in fact have just eaten it

well the secret to a good marriage uh my own parents proved this the secret to a very long lasting happy marriage is not listening to 80 of what the other person says the other thing is that i actually really was listening but somehow i must have like zoned out for all of like one second i love it welcome to the podcast about redundancy on this week's episode beverly hills back to you ronnie okay on this episode beverly hills back to you then on this week's episode beverly Ben, your soul doesn't even need a cycle. By the way, I am a little upset that you did not pick up on my 1990s band references to Soul Decision and Soul Asylum. Very sad.

I didn't because I know as much now as I did then about popular music. I do not care. I listened to show tunes and old jazz singers back then, and I'm still listening to them now with the occasional Beyonce thrown in there just because I want to hear about her writing Jay-Z's face or whatever the hell she's talking about these days. Well, you should do yourself a solid

and at least go listen to Soul Decision because their song Faded remains one of my favorite songs of all time. Faded, let it go talking about faded kind of faded but i feel all right think about making my move tonight i can't pretend that you're only my friend when you make my man where are you talking about that when we have a new kanye west in the house i mean we have a white kanye west white kanye west wow we're gonna have a lot of fun to talk about this episode.

Why don't we just open up that mailbag first and just get to that? Do it! Because it's just going to get crazier and crazier. Mailbag! Okay, just a reminder, if you would like to contribute to the Krappen's mailbag, you just have to sign up on Patreon and donate at the mailbag level. So you see all the details of that at patreon.com forward slash watch for Crap-Ins. Plug.

Okay. So let's see. There are a bunch of people we did not get to on Tuesday. So let's just go through this. So Michael Horn demands that we imagine a conversation between Megan King Edmonds and Kristen Doody. He says, thanks, peace, love, and justice headbands to you both. Okay, who do you want to be? I'll be Kristen.

Kristen. Okay, what do you want to talk about? I want to talk about sketch comedy and how I killed the game last night. Seriously, seriously, I'm like so funny. Look, all I'm trying to say is that your comedy is really sketchy. And so I googled it and I went on the internet and I called the comedy place and they've never heard of you. So, hashtag justice. Seriously, you think you know everything about it, but here are my transcripts from newport sketch comedy imaging and you can see

very clearly that i took classes there seriously seriously um i've heard the name rosanna rosanna donna before so um i'm gonna have to like google that and watch tv but my justice headband is tingling my scalp and doesn't believe a thing you're saying so hashtag hold on to justice seriously i'm gonna have a one-on-one special with andy cohen to talk about all my sketch comedy academia and then you'll learn the truth seriously seriously look okay my husband's mother died while she was watching a sketch comedy show and a beam fell on her head so for you to come here and try and get attention doing sketch comedy, I'm gonna get you. I will

go to the ends of the earth to get you. Hashtag justice! Seriously, like, I'm sorry that that happened, but I'm like literally friends with every motherfucking one of these sketch comedy fans here. So really, you're the one with the problems. Seriously? Seriously. I start sketch

comedies, Megan. Larry from New York. It's Shannon Bedore. David. David. Why aren't you in the monologue? Jane, you ignorant bitch. Oh, I said it.

I said it. Welcome to Weekend Update. Today's update is I've had 35 negative thoughts. Oh, no. 43. Okay. See you next week. Oh, no, 43. Okay, see you next week. Anyway, okay.

Sammy Suleiman, I hope I said your name correctly, Sammy, says, it's Salem, 1692, and every housewife ever is a resident of the town. Of these bewitching ladies who is burned innocently,

who leads the coven, who is the most overzealous witch hunter and who is actually Satan in human form. Oh, that's good. Um, okay. I think that the most innocent one,

but that gets burned anyway would probably be Carlton because she's the one who's always talking about witchiness, but she's probably like that light bulb you can screw into like a million different bulbs but it never quite works right it's always flickering she just can't get anything to work right like even Satan is bored with Carlton yeah she was I feel like Carlton is is the sort of person who like pulls out the Ouija board and is like let's quote unquote talk to the spirits and then all of a sudden they are. It's like, you know what she is? She's like Whoopi Goldberg in Ghost.

Like a quote unquote psychic until she actually is one. She's like, whoa. I don't know what that means where she falls. So is she burned innocently? Perhaps. Yeah, she's already been burned

because she's gone now. Bye. Oh, I was going to say maybe Lydia or Lizzie. Maybe Lizzie gets burned innocently because she's sort of sweet and nice but boring so they just burn her at the stake.

Lizzie gets burned because she's trying to make everybody wear terrible bikinis. Yeah. You're not allowed to do that. She's trying to get trying to give witch makeovers. Leading the coven. I mean, I'm you know, you know me. I usually will say Tamara to any of these questions, although she may be the overzealous witch hunter. I wouldn't be surprised at that.

Maybe Heather Dubrow. I think the one leading the coven would be Bethany because everybody just does whatever Bethany says. Like, even if they hate her and try and come up against her at the end, they're like, I'm sorry. Okay. I'm sorry, Bethany. I'm so sorry I did that. Okay. I burned a baby.

Okay. I burned a baby for you. Are you happy now? Okay. To be fair, she has some really good branding thoughts for the witches. She's like, okay, you know, I see us right now. I see this coven. I'm like, I don't get what it's all about.

Like, are we witches? Are we just like women in robes? Are we doing like hats or like brooms? Are we like all about like cleaning things up? Do we sweep things under the rug? Because that's what I was growing up. Like, I saw my mom get dragged across the kitchen floor. And I was like, okay, I'm going to sweep it under.

And I was like a witch. And I like witchcraft. But am I like a craftsman? I don't know. Like, I don't get the brand. I don't get it. I mean, I love you. I think you look great. sweep it under. And I was like a witch. And I like witchcraft. But am I like a craftsman? I don't know. Like, I don't get the brand. I don't get it. I mean, I love you. I think when you look great.

But I don't, like, get you as a witch. I don't get the witch thing. Like, right now, what I see, like, we're all walking around here. And all we're doing is, like, walking around in bad clothes, like, dirty hair, stringy hair. Like, there's no brand. Nobody knows who we are. I say we just call ourselves witches. That's it.

We're witches. Okay? We're part of the club. Everybody needs to be a certain weight, a certain size. And you got to pray to Satan. And that's it. Okay? That's called branding. That's it. We're witches, okay? We're part of the club. Everybody needs to be a certain weight, a certain size, and you gotta pray to Satan. And that's it, okay? That's called branding. Okay? Yeah. Now, have my skinny witch margarita, okay? It's great. Skinny witches. Skinny witch margarita.

Alright, I'd like you to try this new bottle of skinny witch baby blood, okay? Just out of crude. I'm gonna say Moe's Zealous Witch Hunter. Oh, Moe's Zealous Witch Hunter. I was thinking the other way around, Moe's Zealous Witch. Oh, Moe's Zealous Witch Hunter? Well, Moe's Zealous Witch Hunter. I was thinking the other way around, Moe's Zealous Witch. Oh, Moe's Zealous Witch Hunter? Well, that would be Megan.

I mean, she's out for justice. I think it would be Lisa Rinna. She'd be like, look, I don't want to say anything, but here's the thing. Okay, I Googled you, and it seems like you've got all these things in your past, so I hope we're going to have to burn you at the stake. Sorry. You have a problem, Missy. Own it.

I've been around for a long time, okay? I know what a witch is, all right? I've seen witches, okay? I've watched Macbeth. I was in Macbeth, okay? Well, I was in the audience, really. But I know what a witch is, okay? I know bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble.

And guess what? There's a lot of bubbling, baby. But she'd get it wrong because she doesn't do Shakespeare quotes right. So she'd be like, bubble, bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble. And guess what? There's a lot of bubbling, baby. But she'd get it wrong because she doesn't do Shakespeare quotes right. So she'd be like, bubble, bubble, trouble, trouble, okay? I'm sorry. It's hard to switch from Rinna and Ramona for some reason. They've got that emphatic. They've both got that emphatic nature where everything's like, okay.

Listen, baby. Listen, baby. Well, that's funny. Who is actually Satan in human form it's probably ramona okay guess what we're all going to hell okay all right i get first pick of bedrooms okay whoa that's tamra she's literally the antichrist tamra barney she because the antichrist in the bible which by the way i totally got the bible wrong last week i know that everybody listening to this is totally shocked.

But I was totally dissing somebody over their Bible knowledge, and it was wrong, which I love. Anyway. Yeah, about Saul. Tamara, yeah, Saul and Paul. They were talking about New Testament Saul, not Old Testament Paul. I was confused about that. I seem to remember David and Goliath being in Old Testament because I'm Jewish, and so I know about it. And so I was like, I don't seem to remember a Saul-Paul situation.

But I was like, meh, not worth it. Saul-Paul situation. But I was like, eh, not worth it. Yeah, not worth it. It's like an ignorant fight. Like no one knows the truth. Between us, not the one of us knows the fucking truth anyway. So it's like, what are you going to fight about? But Tamara, from what I remember in the Bible, and this could probably be wrong too. I'm going to learn a lot about Christianity on this show.

That's going to be, by the way, your next podcast is going to be called Tamara from what I remember of the Bible, dot, dot, dot. Available on iTunes. From What I Remember in the Bible in Old Revelations. I mean, look, if you're going to read the Bible, you've got to read the first and the last chapters, okay? You can guess the middle. I mean, who reads numbers anyway? Exactly.

I'm not reading numbers. At the end of the bible in old revelations i believe that the antichrist comes down and pretends he's jesus so like everybody fought not literally but everybody follows him because they think he's the second coming but then it turns out it's really satan and i think that's what tamra's baptism is she's like yeah i love jesus batch but then at the end she's really the one she's really satan and she's gonna bring everybody down she's like that's my opinion um no one can yell at me if i'm jesus batch by the way i also want to clarify as long as we're we're clarifying errors

from the past i had one that was a joke error but people think it was a real error when i said that costa rica was in mexico i i knew that costa rica was a country it's a people think it was a real error. When I said that Costa Rica was in Mexico, I knew that Costa Rica was a country. It's a reference to Alexis Bellino, who famously said that Costa Rica was in Mexico. That's a perfect mistake, because you just said famously. I said famously,

but if it sounded like famously, that also is appropriate. For Alexis. Okay, Lori says, Ben and Ronnie, my basic bitches, if you could read a housewife you hate who would it be and what would you say oh girl i do this every episode i know i was like have you been listening to the podcast laurie um i'm hating these days to be honest would i probably kyle of course yeah you hate kyle but i do that all the time so i'm trying to think of someone that i don't i really kyle's the only one that boils

my blood right now and i just say listen bitch you were born to large marge right along your sister your sister was the actual actress you've done nothing but sponge off of her fame for her entire life even to get on a housewives show you used your sister who you knew was not capable of getting on tv and not being a drunk you purposely brought her ass on here dragged her through the mud made her look like an idiot chased her through a goddamn hotel room to make her look like a drunk just so you would look a little bit better fuck you lady stop talking about your sister stop being offended when anybody else brings up that the problems your sister has caused and get your own goddamn life kyle i want to talk about your husband's transgender hooker fetish okay that's what i want to talk about stop flinging

your thinning ass hair back and forth and then lizard licking your lips uh and acting like such a victim when you're the one starting everything, you stupid bitch. All right. So I don't have anything to add to that. So that was Ronnie's read for who he hates. Love and light, darling. Ben's just love and light, darling. Jelly beans.

So on this week's episode, we're talking about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. No, just kidding. Mackenzie Collier. I don't know. Collier! Mackenzie Collier! Mackenzie Collier! Madame Mackenzie Collier!

What a delicious wine. Chateau Collier in the Loire region of France. She says, when married housewives claim they're basically like single moms when they're with their children on camera at school and gymnastics, etc., while their husbands are working, does this demonstrate a total lack of perspective of what a single mom goes through and or how the world works? Or is this a deliberate attempt to further solidify their statuses as elite to viewers? I don't have or like children.

This still manages to offend me. or like children. This still manages to offend me. I used, she says I used the quotes loosely because I don't know that this is a very actual quote. Okay, anyway. So do we think that these women are being, showing a lack, a total lack of perspective of what it's like to be a single mom

or are they just trying to show in an underhanded way how elite they are? I think it's maybe both, to be honest. Yeah, I agree with you. I think it is a total lack of awareness. I imagine any single mom who is, you know, having to work one or two jobs to support their kid and like nannies and having to like rely on family or whatever, whatever it takes to be a single mom.

I don't even know the half of it i imagine it's nothing i mean i feel like for to have one of these bitches with their nanny pushing the kid on the on the swing set so you can do your scene in the real housewives it's not like being a single mom no nothing like it i grew when i was uh in my 20s uh one of my roommates in Texas was a single mom. Oh, my God. Now, that was hell. It's like working two jobs, trying to get the kid back and forth. And then, you know, you like have to make sure they're actually raised and teach them things and put them to bed. I mean, that is such a rough job.

I was raised to believe that if the husband is working and the wife isn't and he's the breadwinner. And even if it's reversed, you know, if the woman is working and the man's Mr. Mom or the breadwinner and even if it's reversed you know if the woman is working the man's mr mom or whatever that's your job okay you don't get to just skate through life without a damn job that is your job raising the kids the hardest job in the world as mothers say and that is true because your employees actually grow up and revolt and say fuck you no matter who they are you know so yeah that's rough fuck yeah these housewives are ridiculous but that's why it's so fun grilling them yeah well uh yeah i mean i do think it's probably hard if you have an absentee husband but um i feel like it's still nothing compared to when you it's not like more than an absentee husband when it's just you're only when you've got a absentee wells fargo account lady so now sharon hicks asks, this is our last question.

If you had to go away for a weekend to an estate, a sunny one, so you could wear your Cynthia Bailey sunglasses, with one cast of a current show, so Ben, you can't pick Gallery Girls, who would you pick, where would you go, and why? Remember, you have to spend a whole weekend with them.

A whole weekend with a cast of a current show. Too scared to do Vanderpump Rules. That's for sure. to spend a whole weekend with them a whole weekend with a cast of a current show well i'm too scared to do vanderpump rules that's that's for sure you get something just from going to lunch well if this were like if this were like a month from now i would definitely do southern charm oh my god southern charm yeah they would hate me oh my, they would put me through such hell. I'm a slob, I'm lazy, and I couldn't be around those people. I would choose, believe it or not,

the cast of Shots of Sunset. Because as much as I hate them and rail against every one of them for being hateful, awful human beings, I relate. I'm a hateful, awful human being, but I also love that they eat this cast every time they go out, they have like 10 course meals. They've got huge plates piled up to their face. They still manage to get booze through their system and still get wasted. And then, you know, fuck around aimlessly. Like they just aim their private parts at whatever they'll stick to and they go for it and you know what that sounds like a vacation weekend well if we're talking about current as in still in the bravo roster but not necessarily on the air at the moment then i'd probably say ladies of london because

i would just want to be sitting there listening to karen stanbury level everyone around us and then sophie stanbury just getting drunk and doing cartwheels and i could just be there watch yes that's what i want oh yes i would just love to watch sophie turn from sober to drunk sophie where she's just like ah fuck you yeah like totally throwing grapes at juliette yeah that's what i want to do i'm just terrified because caroline stanbury i mean she throws shit around everybody around her but if you're around her, she'll be throwing it at you too. I mean, what would stop it? It'll be worth it. What an honor.

What an honor. You'd be taking a selfie of yourself crying. Oh, she would totally just tear me down in the most inscrutable, evil, terse way. Just with a withering glare. And ask me if I want yet another scone and I'd say no thanks and she'd just stare at me and then be like very well and I would be

like oh crushed. Crushed selfie. The first time my soul has been crushed by the Stanbury clear my soul clear clear clear so that is all for Croppen's Mailbag for this week

that's the end of the video thanks everyone thanks everyone for supporting it and contributing to it I love these questions they are so bonkers I like the mix

it's the witch trials who's the biggest witch and I also like the question we had on the previous episode where people just asked about us. You know, it's fun. It's fun to talk about ourselves for once. So what do you want to start with today, my little Benjaminius? I believe we have to talk about Beverly Hills to start with.

Oh, my goodness, Ben. What would you have said if I said newlyweds? I would have been fuming again already i would have been furious been like damn them i'm writing down all time code um so this episode was amaz amazetown now i did not take notes ronnie as per usual i always let you steer beverly until you write the recap. Okay. You know what? I actually have Real Housewives recap and I have notes.

So I should probably bring up notes so this won't be 20 hours long. Yeah. So let's see. We opened at the SoulCycle. I mean, wow. What a gift. Yes. What a gift.

Ross, the SoulCycle man. Who was who was giving impressed for less oh ross mess for less what a mess this guy giving spiritual advice he's this little twinkie fegito burrito with uh highlights in his hair that his bangs come down over his sweat band or whatever and he moves his bangs. Like his head isn't going in the right beat, but his bangs are. It's amazing. I mean, it's serious bang work.

It was almost like an anime cartoon. Guys, there's darkness and then there's light. He's bouncing up and down on that damn SoulCycle. Welcome to L.A. We should probably preface this by saying that Mauricio and Kyle had organized some sort of fundraiser. A Habitat for Humanity fundraiser at SoulCycle. So they had dragged... They basically had just dragged Lisa Vanderpump.

And was there someone else that came along to that? Oh, God. Don't you remember Erica banging her stupid ponytail? You know, Erica even has to try and beat a gay ploy. This is not your gay ploy, okay? You don't automatically win in this situation. She's like, there's a gay guy someone pays. I'm going to try and shine brighter than him.

No, Erica. No. Banging her ponytail against the bike. That was sad. Well well they're all going nuts and lisa vanderpump is exactly like me like is he gonna talk the whole time i can't stand that that like i don't need i don't need uplifting um like variations on miley cyrus's the climb while i'm while i'm doing any sort of exercise. Just be quiet and let me just get through this moment. There's no

tomorrow. There's no yesterday. It's just today. Nightmare. And then he's just thrashing on his bike. He was basically headbanging on his little bicycle. He was. He was doing... This is what LA is like, people. Unfortunately, this is very much true to LA. He was doing... This is what LA is like, people. Unfortunately, this is very much true to LA.

He was doing Mamma Mia choreography on a bike. I know. Where was Craig? It was the best thing I've ever seen. And then, of course, Lisa Vanderpump, who works out probably five hours a day in her home gym that we originally saw with Cedric the Leech back in season one.

She works out, but she's like, Oh, darling. A bicycle. I have to build a home for poor people, darling. There's not going to be poor people there, are there, darling? What goes into a poor person home, darling? How about we just put a mattress in the wine bar? How about that?

I've stolen the shiny sign from Bethany's house with all the little bulbs that has an arrow pointing, darling. Do you think the poor people will know where it's pointing? Just put it in the cardboard living room, darling. Get me some duct tape. Rocio, tell your family we have a new home for them. She's just sending Rocio to build the home.

Habitat for Rocio. That's my charity. Alright, we built one house. We're done. Charity has succeeded. Habitat for Rocio. That's my charity. All right, we built one house. We're done. Charity has succeeded. Habitat for Rocio. All right, let's make Rocio's living room out of all of Pandora's baby shirts, darling. Rocio, I'm so sad to tell you that

even though we built this house for you, we're going to move one of the donkeys in there instead. You can have the paddock. Darling, you're used to putting up with this family's shit. I figure that little midget horse donkeys do you well, Rocio. Rocio, I put a blanket on

the pink flamingo in the pool. That can be your house. Darling, someone get Rocio to make me some tea. I would get her myself, but I don't want to go to the bad part of town. So Max goes to school. He needs his privacy, darling. So we're at the SoulCycle.

Ross was amazing. And the most amazing thing is that he was being totally serious, and we see that shit all the time. And the second most amazing thing is Kyle. What an idiot,yle kyle's like soul cycle it's the future the future it's actually happening right now you idiot could you imagine like way way in the future if they're like wow soul cycling kyle shut up kyle soul cycling is the future i do this every. That was the second biggest laugh. Kyle's an idiot.

But it was fun watching Lisa complain the whole time. And then it was also fun watching Catherine. I think she was saying that SoulCycle, using SoulCycle as a fundraiser is the future of fundraisers in Beverly Hills. She wasn't saying that going to spin class is the future. That's some bullshit. And when she said forget the bake sales and her eyes almost popped out of her head i mean that is definitely a sign of lying okay i watch csi i know how to read a suspect wait what do you wait a second hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on hold on what is this crazy theory about she's lying about bake sales what are you talking about because she's

saying because she said so you're like so it's already here kyle richards and i know what you've got on bake sales you lied you bulge your eyes ronnie you're not just i need to shake you you're not understanding what i'm saying what kyle said was i'm gonna explain you asked me to i'll make it short don't worry kyle said soul cycling is the future of charity in beverly hills forget the bake sales and then her eyes bulged out i was like kyle you are never gonna forget the bake sales that is a lot kyle is just trying to get everybody to be in one concentrated class that they have to stay for for an hour so her ass can make it to every bake sale in town and steal out all the muffins you know the last bake sale i participated in was probably about six or seven years

ago and you know who dropped by please tell me kyle lisa rinna because she was probably on her way to kyle's she's like i've been to a lot of bake sales baby i've been around this time i used to go to bake sales with a middle child from Home Improvement, okay? We do a lot of bake sales, alright? 1991, babe. Bake sale mania. I would watch reruns of Mad About You and go to the bake sale. Okay, I know about

a bake sale. They're not going anywhere, baby. I'm just at this bake sale so I can call things muffin tops without feeling bad after. Ha ha ha ha ha! Own your muffin top, listen if someone wanted me to sell muffin tops i'd do it i gotta stay relevant in the muffin top community oh so that was pretty funny the only other notable thing to me was katherine saying oh poor lisa vanderpump poor dear she just can't keep up did i say katherine

no we were talking about erica before but then we didn't we uh we forgot that katherine was there Oh, poor Lisa Vanderpump. Poor dear. She just can't keep up. Did I say Catherine? No, we were talking about Erica before, but then we forgot that Catherine was there too. Oh, yeah. I didn't forget. Because Catherine's like, oh, that poor dear. I'm like, you know you're like five minutes younger than Lisa Vanderpump, right, Catherine? I'm reading the tree rings around your neck. Donnie was there too, by the way, I would like to add. It's always nice to point out where Donnie is at any given time.

Okay. It was also nice that Mauricio was there. Okay. I'm like, okay. I have nothing to add. I don't have any hate for Donnie. I just want him not to speak. I like it when he speaks because he sounds like Kevin Bacon.

And it amuses me for some reason. Ever since you said that, all I can see is Carol from real housewives of new york is kevin bacon okay how are we gonna put that in the glossary by the way how are you gonna put that carol noise how do you spell i think you just put in in parentheses like a stage direction direction and just say like emphysema death rattle. Emphysema death rattle. Okay, so bangs, Erica ponytail. This is the shit I recap, by the way, in my recaps. I'm like, ponytails, bangs.

That's all I care about. Okay, so then they go to lunch. Frida. They go to lunch at Frida, which is hilarious because that's Leah Black's housekeeper who doesn't do anything but sit back and receive, you know, million dollar gifts. How fun is that? I'm going to invite all these women for going to my housekeeper's restaurant. When we went to lunch with Leah Black, she ordered like five meals. She's like, it's for Frida.

Jesus Christ. For real. Okay. Frida. Frida. For real Okay Frida Oh I have to get my voice warmed up For the League of Black

Yeah you gotta get into that I can't do it guys That actually sounds like a telegram Coming through This just in from the Alexa News Network Well you know Frida No she has a restaurant in Los Angeles, you know. And I keep telling Peter, like, if you want to have a restaurant too, you have to stop taking cabs and you have to start serving them food, you know.

Grow a base, Peter. But he's like, I don't know. I'm an artist, mom. Frida's restaurant in L.A. is just a room that you go into and it's stuff from Johnny Rockets that Leah's brought home. It's all like cold fries and a grilled cheese sandwich that's coagulated.

It's to-go chic, darling. It's to-go fusion. So they go to lunch and let me see. Eileen's leopard print. God, poor Eileen. God bless her. Find a gay.

Come on, Eileen. See, that I know. Come on, Eileen's leopard print. God, poor Eileen. God bless her. Find a gay. Come on, Eileen. See, that I know. Come on, Eileen. That's got it. That's a dad rock right there. That's how I know that. So, blah, blah, blah. Catherine is going to go boxing with Erica.

These two hacks. Jesus Christ. Can we talk about this, though? Catherine, you know, okay. You know I'm like, I've come around to your viewpoint of Catherine, although I think I dislike her for maybe slightly different reasons than you. But you know what it is? I wish I could articulate this. And I'm going to spend the next two minutes stumbling over my words as I try to.

There's something – she talks at you a little bit and she's like a little boastful but like for me it's not about so much like the jerusalem marble it's about things like when if someone says like yeah i like the box she's like you like the box i like i like the box i like the box look at my arm look at my bicep i i can you want a box okay we're gonna box your box it's just like whoa it's just making light patter and now you're like forcing me into the situation where I now have to go box with you. I don't want to go box with you. You know, stuff like that. She's also so incredibly stupid.

That makes sense. She doesn't know when she's fought. Yeah, it makes total sense. No, talk her at her. Yes, because she can't listen. I don't think she understands human communication. She likes to tell people what to do and what to think and what to say. She's bossy.

Yeah, but she's just dumb. And as you can see over the course of this episode, she is unsurprisingly fake as shit, which I love. But we'll get to that. Isn't that funny how we're switching around? Because I'm starting to love her because she's just so stupid. With smart people, I get offended. If she was just bragging about money she didn't make, which she does, and if she was just being bossy, which she is,

and she was just doing all that stuff, and she was intelligent and just trying to treat everybody else stupid, I would almost hate her more. But she's not. She's just so stupid that she thinks that she's classy, and I just love that in a housewife. I think it's hilarious. See, I liked she's classy, and I just love that in a housewife. I think it's hilarious. See, I liked her at first, and I was not put off by what you felt was bragging.

For me, I thought she was just like, yeah, we don't have kids, so now we get to do all this fun stuff. Oh, God. At our private jeweler, after coming home from seeing the queen at Westminster Abbey and all this other ignorant, stupid, stupid stuff. See, that stuff didn't bother me. But when she starts talking at people. That bothers me. Well, she does it a lot in this one. So it starts with this weird boxing thing where she's just basically on the housewives

and she's going to try and start a fight about anything. And Eileen just kind of rolled her eyes and was like, I think she's taking me literally, which was hilarious. Yeah. Because as we saw from later in the episode, well, why aren't you engaging her, Eileen? Why are you just dismissing her with an eye roll? But anyway, Yolanda's

coming. That's the biggest news. Yolanda, someone forced Yolanda, got a crowbar, got her bony ass out of bed and is forcing her to actually film a scene with other people again. This is the second week in a row and look you know that yolanda's trying to be positive she is still wearing her fiddler on the roof community theater poor person makeup but she is still wearing her white jeans of doom

but she's also wearing yellow she's wearing yellow ombre so it's like going down to her going down to her it's her blast you know so it's going down to her waist but then it's only coming up to her chest like i can only be sunny up to my chest okay girls i hope you understand it looked like she actually had like brown makeup on it looked like she would put on makeup to make herself look even more kind of like like yeah it's her sick makeup yeah it's her sick makeup she's putting on brown makeup and then darker brown eyeshadow and you can see it i mean i don't know if she thinks she's on stage or what but the cameras are right in front of your face dumb dumb we can see that you're doing that

jesus so she comes and she's trying to be positive which is hilarious because yolanda's never positive okay she's one of those who's always talking about to be fair she was like she's being pretty normal at first she was despite her appearance she was actually being pretty normal she brought flowers for lisa pink ones yeah she was Yolanda brought me flowers. It's, you know, noted. Lisa Vanderpump, you know, she does hold a grudge, and I love that about her. She's like, I'm not falling for it, Yolanda. What if you got up your sleeves? What if you got up one white sleeve and one yellow sleeve, Yolanda?

So Yolanda brings her the flowers, and she's, you know, I guess being positive. I don't even know what she's talking about half the time, but she's like, oh, and then the hurdling, flurdling. And then. Kyle's like, oh, my God. Glad to see you're walking. So how does it feel walking over a bridge of a river that's filled with Lisa Rinna being upset, filled with tears that Lisa Rinna cried because she was so upset that you called her bipolar? Kyle, so you know, as everyone already knows on this episode, if this is your first episode, Ronnie hates Kyle. Ronnie really, really hates Kyle. I don't hate Kyle.

I think Kyle is, like, fine. You know, I think that she has her – I think she has her many, many flaws and faults. But I just – but I don't, like, hate her. But in this case, woo, this was Kyle's fault, 100%. Kyle brought this on, whoa, big time. She cannot even, like – I mean, mean she just she introduced this whole thing and i was i was mad because she made me take yolanda's side yeah when you actually can make yolanda look like more of a victim than the 500 fake diseases that she's given herself i mean that's really something kyle you're worse you're worse than chronic Lyme Kyle is the master of

inexpertly introducing gossip to a situation and being like oh so I guess this is sort of weird because like I wonder if everything was resolved with you calling Lisa bipolar or whatever it was that she said she just brought that up in such an awkward strange way that was really nothing more than stirring the pot

like there was just no need to bring it up Kyle's showing her desperation now because she's been trying this shit all season in her kind of underhanded way which is still to me blatantly obvious and it's not really working like she wants and now she's just like fuck it i'll just say it 20 times and then yolanda's response is oh you know this morning i decided to have a cup of oj and also a cup of peace i don't care it's over and kyle's like and so she whips her head around you know that you know that shower drain is so full of hair i wonder if mauricio has taken a shower in years that the water doesn't come up to his ankles because the drain he probably contributes to it also let's not forget

he's hairy so she's whipping her hair around and starts whispering to vanderpump and which is like so so immature and this is and you know lisa vanderpump gets immediately dragged into this stupidity exactly and kyle's like well get a load of that one just pretending she didn't say anything and just being as obvious as possible. She's sitting right across from Yolanda. Right there. Right there. So, Yolanda, why'd you make it a whisper? This is so rude.

But it wasn't Eileen being like, what are you guys talking about over there? Probably. It's Eileen. I just want everyone to know that Yolanda has ordered salmon and Kyle is whispering. So, do we need to talk about this? and Kyle is whispering. So do we need to talk about this? Sort of reminds me of that time when Lisa Vanderpump didn't genuinely apologize to me.

We're just talking about burritos. I know. It's sort of like I feel like I'm wrapped in an anti-apology burrito right now. Lisa Vanderpump loves playing sorry because all she has to do over and over again is say sorry, sorry, sorry, and then wins the game. That's just not fair, is it?

Darling, I just asked you if you wanted any nachos. Sorry. Oh, there you go again. Lisa certainly hates being on a hot plate, just like these fajitas. The first thing I taught my children is no hot plate

to give you hot lime disease yolanda's pissed off because rightly so because kyle's being so fucking rude and obviously talking about her so she's like what you know this is the first thing i teach my children don't whisper and that's like the last thing you taught them because they still are stupid she's like well to be fair I don't say don't whisper I say Gigi you may talk and the other one and the other one be quiet you may only speak

when your mouth is not full and your mouth will never be full do you understand these are the rules of my house so she's getting pissed and she's like she goes into her yolanda her condescending what would you call it her condescending yolanda mode which is my favorite mode of yolanda right and now here's where things get really annoying for me because kyle started this and it's like kyle what the fuck is wrong with you you start this but then once they're actually

arguing Kyle is then in the right so but I'm like but I don't want to have to you're making it that's really annoying because you're actually in the right Kyle but you started this unnecessarily so you're in the wrong and now Yolanda is being condescending so she's really in the wrong but then she was in the

right by saying this is all over so I was like I was turning into kathy that's why i was like chocolate chocolate chocolate that's why it's super important to never pick a side in housewives permanently i'm saying because i can flip within a microsecond yes they're all wonderful but they're all hateable at some point you know so you can't really pick a side but of course course, they're both idiots. So I think they're just both wrong. And that's when I love a fight. I love when I hate both the people in the fight because you see the blood from, you know, you see the blood from the boxing match going all over their place. And you're like, LOL.

So Yolanda's like, you are whispering. Oh, this is immature to talk about this. And so Kyle is forced to basically say it instead of you know tricking somebody else into saying it which she usually does but she said yeah well my favorite this is when she's still whispering well yolanda doesn't know that lisa renna knows that yolanda said that lisa renna was bipolar that was the whisper so she's like what is this and she's like well you know you said that lisa renna was bipolar and now lisa rena's upset again and she goes oh geez i thought we got this finished because you know remember i ate the cow of the beef uh this was the first time in seven years i eat in

the beef of the cows and then you know now you ruin it for me kyle she's like yeah but you did say she was bipolar no i said that if a woman who throws a glass in her face and then calls someone a munchin' who's in floggin' or whatever this word, that this woman maybe could be possibly bipolar. I never said it was to Lisa. Yeah, she could be bipolar. Not that she is bipolar.

Hypotinkingly, okay, Kyle? And Kyle's like, no, actually, that's the exact same thing that you're accusing her of doing. Because she never said you had Munchen-Flaubert syndrome. She's saying that someone else said that maybe you possibly did. And she's like, oh, okay then, Kyle. So I guess that if I said that I had a key to a vault, that maybe you were possibly in about transgendering your husband's penis in somebody's mouth and maybe if I could say it...

Well, the best is I like how Lisa Vanderpump jumped in at some point in this mix, and she was like, darling, it's putting it out there. It's like when the town drunk put it out there that your daughter was an alcoholic, and they cut to Brandy saying that about how Bella was an alcoholic,

which is A, excellent point, Lisa, and B, I just like that she referred to Brandy as the town drunk. I'm surprised Kyle didn't get mad at her. Stop talking about Kim! That's true. That's the city drunk. That's the greater Los Angeles area drunk. Oh, and Yolanda telling her, oh, oh kyle relax have a drink of wine oh snapple because she's basically calling kyle a big alcoholic which i loved and kyle's like excuse me yolanda

how fucking dare give me a fucking break yolanda. And then Kyle started doing my favorite Kyle self-defense mode, pulling her own hair. I think I saw that in a TV movie once about a cutter. I do love when Kyle gets mad, even if she brought it on herself. She brought on her rage herself. But once she actually is mad, I love it because she gets – that's when, and I say it a million times, she lets out her inner bitch because that's who she truly is. She's a raging bitch and that's what we want to see from her.

I want her, next season, I want her just to go on a tear and just be bitchy to everyone and then I don't think we'd have any issues with her. Well, me too. That's the only season I liked her

was in season one because she didn't know what a bitch she was until she read it in People magazine. Then she's like, oh, guess I better change. Yeah. So this was a very, very fun scene uh then we skip

over to oh yeah well are you talking about rena because it interjected with rena rena who gets out scott free they're all fighting about rena and she's over with jenny mccarthy being like so what sort of botox have you been doing what have you been doing what sort of what have you been doing to your face you know and that starts in the typical Lisa Rinna way, but everybody's just like that. It's such an LA way where they go, I love you! I love you! That's how every conversation

with Lisa Rinna starts off, when she sees somebody in public. I love you! I love you! Have you talked to Isaac Mizrahi? I have, of course! He's on my voicemail. oh i love him oh i love him jenny mccarthy looks like the wrestler she looks like the barbie version of mickey work in the wrestler she looks crazy i actually thought she looked pretty i thought

she looked pretty good fake hair and a face totally made of plastic it does not look like there's a shred of real skin left on this. I don't even know. Do they give you new skin now? Well, I didn't get that. It's so funny because you're talking about the stuff she was doing to her face. And I was looking at her face. I was like, wow, I thought that looked pretty good. It does. It looks perfectly contoured.

She went to Terry Dubrow. So it's very perfectly contoured. She looks like an 80-year-old version of a 20-year-old doll. It's weird. She looks like an 80 year old version Of a 20 year old doll It's weird she looks like an American girl doll I have to give it up I have to give it up to Jenny McCarthy I mean except for the fact that she did Some irreparable damage on the vaccine front

Which I don't think anyone in America Appreciates But you know here she was She was just like the blonde pretty girl unsingled out And she's made a career for herself. And 20 years later, she's still got a radio show. Yeah, I'm only, well, a serious show. I'm only talking about her face.

I'm not talking about her. I generally like her. I like people who just make asses out of themselves by saying whatever they want. Because, you know, it's like me. So I relate and I like her for that. But that face i mean there's a there's a line when i'm worried about lighting a candle around you that's too much too much pull back pull back is all i'm saying so they're talking and i'm

surprised that she did not bring up the lyme disease you'll want banana foster's lyme disease because now there's a discussion because she probably she could have a disease off with Yolanda about autism and Lyme's and the shit that causes it and what's real and what's not and then you know Yolanda could thank her for all of the greater LA area for bringing

polio back yeah exactly thanks a lot for the polio that's a side effect of my walking Lyme polio and the misos. But then we go back to the Mexican restaurant because the fight is still raging on, right? Don't we go back?

We go back. And then at this point now, Yolanda is starting to go after Lisa again. And she's like, you went after my children. You attacked my children. And Lisa's like, no, I never said anything about your children children Yolanda oh if

saying your children are healthy is the worst thing that I can say it is that like literally is the worst thing you can say yeah for Yolanda but then they cut to Lisa actually saying something you know and I did not catch this the first time so you know another

admittal of wrongdoing on my part but they cut to lisa saying muhammad says the healthy which i don't remember her even saying that much but she did say that i guess but she was forced into it by kyle she was well the thing is she lisa has been a little shifty on this situation because she's been telling yolanda that um she didn't know she didn't know she didn't she toldanda that she didn't know. She didn't know. She told Kyle she didn't know what was going on with the kids. But what she actually said was, I think she said, well, they said, what does Muhammad say?

What does Muhammad say? She said, Muhammad said they're fine. And that was really all she said. I don't think that there's, I mean, the amount of rage that Yolanda is sending Lisa's way is so above and beyond, especially since she wasn't even there to see it. It's all because it came back to her through Erica, who said that Lisa and Kyle were gossiping about the kids. So that's why she's furious.

But it's always her. If it's anybody, she's always pointing at Lisa Vanderpump. And I have to say this. I feel very, very uncomfortable liking somebody all the time. And I know that this season is very much as far as I go. Lisa, Lisa, she's always right this and that. I do love Lisa Vanderpump. Now, here's my problem with it.

Why I love her. This is why I hate that I love her. Because Lisa has so many legitimate things you can go after her for. Yeah. Like the stuff that Eileen's hinting at with Lisa, which we'll get to later, there's legit stuff. You could totally villainize Vanderpump

and do it well. The problem is that nobody knows how to do it. They're all too stupid on this show. This is the first... Yeah, sorry. No, that's it. No, I was going to say, this is the first season

where I think there have been actual legitimate chinks in Lisa's armor. I think in previous seasons, they've always tried to take her down. She's manipulative. She's manipulative. But my response is always like, so to what end? Who cares? She's manipulative. It's not like a reality show where there's a prize at the end.

I think all these women are manipulative. They're just that Lisa's good at it. But Eileen's thing, and this is jumping out a little bit, but Eileen's looking for just a simple apology, looking for some empathy, and Lisa is just shutting her down. Lisa just doesn't want to hear it. Now, that to me is a legitimate personality flaw. And this is the first time I feel like I have seen something from Lisa where I'm like, ooh, that's not good, girl.

Well, here's – yeah, let's just get to the Eileen thing. I mean we can talk about the rest of the episode too, but while we're talking about it now. My issue with the Eileen thing is that Eileen will not say why she's mad. Now, she keeps saying she's mad because Lisa's being dismissive. Okay. She needs to lay it out very clearly, and the reason she won't is because it makes her look bad. So, the

reason she's mad is not that Lisa's being dismissive. Lisa's being dismissive because she said sorry, and that's it. If you want her to be sorry about something specific, you have to say specifically why you're mad the reason you're mad is because lisa was grilling your ass in front of everybody publicly about the fact that you were obviously having an affair with vince while you were both married to other people and then you caught her in the lie about it because eileen said oh well we met three years ago. Well, we kissed or whatever. She caught her basically hand in the Vince jar.

So she made her look like an idiot and a slut on TV for having an affair with other people while they were married. So she's mad at that. But she won't say that because that makes her look bad. So she wants Lisa to say, I'm sorry that I tried to make you look like a husband stealer on national TV. That's what she wants her to say. But she won't say that that's why she's mad in the first place. So here's what I say to make you look like a husband stealer on national TV. That's what she wants her to say. But she won't say that that's why she's mad in the first place. So here's what I say to Eileen. If you're going to say own it to Lisa Vanderpump and own why she's sorry, then own what she did to you.

Because you did do that. You did have an affair. You did steal someone's husband. You're on your third damn marriage. Let's stop pretending that we're all so innocent here. And you need to stop being so hippie like oh everybody just needs to get over it and the other spouses need to stop being mad at us because the point is love no you made you made a marriage to two different people you and your husband and then you cheated okay so that's what lisa's giving you shit over because she's been married

to the same man and she looks at you as a tramp so if these women would just say that and i link keep saying well i just she just needs to say it she's looking for a fight she's trying to get lisa to call her a slut or something or a husband stealer and lisa's not going to do it so stop acting like the victim eileen well i think that um you know another thing that that causes lisa to to to really shut down is – I think there are these – she's very much – this is, I think, a culture gap. She's very British. And I think it's what you said before.

She already apologized. And so she doesn't understand why she needs to apologize again. And admittedly, she's not really listening to what Eileen is trying to say, even if Eileen isn't, quote-unquote, owning it. But the other thing is that Eileen brings this up out of left field in the middle of this early dinner. I mean, it really comes out of nowhere. And Lisa does not like that.

Lisa does not like if she's hosting a little private thing and then out of nowhere you have a resentment of something that you could have talked about before and now you're bringing it up again like so you know whatever Eileen even if Eileen had something legitimate to say Lisa just would not be in a state to listen to it

because it's like violating the codes of like Lisa's etiquette you know which is not necessarily a defense but like I'm just sort of I see where her yeah I do too I get what you're saying. And I think that that's true too. I just think that Eileen, uh, she's not saying anything except sorry is not good enough. And sorry, it's just a word and it's being dismissive. I need to talk about my feelings. Well, what are they? Because you're not talking about them. All you're saying is you didn't like

that. She said, sorry. And you didn't feel like she meant it. What is a woman supposed to do? Like you can't ask for emotion from someone who doesn't have emotion about it. You want her to fake cry to you? That would be even more fake. Well, the other thing is, you know, she keeps saying to Lisa that this isn't an attack. But I think that when you tell someone, I didn't feel like your apology was genuine. When people say that, that's actually an attack. It really is because whether or not you're right,

you're basically saying I don't believe you and the validity of your emotions of what you say and X, Y, and Z. So I think if you start with I didn't believe that you were sincere, that's one thing. Maybe she should have said something like, you know, after we discussed thing that's you maybe she should have said something like you know after we discussed i know you apologize but i'm i'm concerned that that you apologized for something like you apologized for something that that wasn't really what i was having the issue with you know so therefore i don't have the closure or whatever and here is what my issue is that i need the apology you know yes it wasn Yes, it wasn't that you were asking questions.

It's not that you were asking too many questions. It's that this was a topic that I was uncomfortable speaking about at that moment. And you kept pressing me and it made me feel uncomfortable. And I just want you to apologize for – And Lisa looks at it like she's really going with this, which cracks me up. She's like, darling, I just wanted to know about your life. An illicit affair. So sexy.

You know, she's always wanting to talk about everybody's sex lives and this and that. So what she is pretending she was saying is that she just wants to get to know eileen but it's bullshit because she already knew eileen's history so to act like she's so shocked that she's divorced and that she had an affair and all this stuff is just bullshit so if eileen yeah she wanted to get some dirty details you know i don't even think it was a thing that she i don't think she wanted to make eileen look bad she just wanted to hear that you know remember they were drunk that night i think they're just she was like so like they're just, she was like, so like,

what was it like? What was like a steamy affair? Like, tell me all about it. That's what I actually think. But she was too, trying to be too much of a lady about it. So she's like,

so tell me about your love story. She is, she really failed at the end with this because she was almost off the hook. She was like, darling, I do have a problem with being dismissive there i said it uh or no minimizing things uh there i said it i minimize things you know the house could be on fire and i'd be like okay it's no big deal you know and that's a

problem i get that that's a problem i do that and eileen's like okay yes that's true but you're also dismissive and then and she starts going off. And Lisa's like, okay, listen, I'm really, truly sorry that I asked you so many questions. Or said the wrong thing. Or what was it? That's when she went down. Because then she's being a smartass. And then Eileen's like, oh, there you go, being dismissive again.

She's like, oh, I can't do anything right. And Eileen tells told her i know right now that you feel like you're being attacked because i am confronting you about and lisa's like yes i do i do feel like that and she's like yes i know lisa but it's not it's just that people have feelings well i don't have feelings darling i mean what do you want me to say all right i'm basically the tin man waiting for dorothy to find you find a clump of soil to shove in me. So I feel something, darling, but I just don't. It was a masterclass in front of me bitchiness because, you know, Eileen's trying to talk to her.

And Lisa just interrupts with every possible thing. Oh, yeah, someone take this bowl. May I have the bowl back? Does anyone need the bowl? Oh, the donkeys are going in the house. Yes, Eileen, what are you saying? Oh, dear, there's a butterfly on that flower. Oh anyone have a spoon you need a spoon for a napkin yes eileen you feel attacked yes oh there's a napkin somewhere i think i lost my napkin because someone

passed the water lisa i just i want to tell you something very important yes eileen tell me oh just look at that look at that knife i see my reflection on the knife isn't that lovely eileen look at this knife but then when they start really talking, Lisa, I mean, she gives this look. This look that is beyond scary. Her eyes get real squinty. And she just, when Eileen's like, I just want you to know that this is how I feel. And Lisa's eyes turn pure black. It's like two black slits. And she she you can see she is seething but it goes the other

way too because then when when lisa's like oh we're good because i need to be damn good with you and then eileen's like yeah we're good and then she gave her that evil fuck you squint from days of our lives yes exactly she's got that thing down that evil squint that smile she's like i didn't want to have smile she's like lisa i didn't want to have to do this to you but here's my expression doesn't work so on a podcast but if this were a video it'd be hilarious i yeah this whole thing is such a silly fight to me it's just so stupid if you're not going to say what it's about stop wasting our fucking time well the whole reason never ends. Well, the whole reason it came about, then we backtrack. Okay, so we get back into the sequential order where we were. This is after Frida.

I think the next major thing was that Catherine went over to Erica's place, right? In Pasadena? It was. But before we get to that, I have to add that part of this serious thing with Lisa Rinna is this. Because Jenny McCarthy is always trying to get people in trouble so she's like is harry gay what's up with harry's dick does it like being in the assholes of men tell me and lisa rena says no she takes a long pause before she answers she goes no he's not gay okay believable and then jenny goes well have you ever strapped one on and lisa says yeah i have

i've strapped one on a big one i thought it was neighboring wow i don't know what she is trying to do with harry right now but she basically just says i buttfuck my husband who's not gay after a long pause so i just thought that was really funny because that's got to come back at some point. Listen, straight guys are allowed to enjoy anal also. Yes. But not after a long pause after a is he gay question. And I'm sure your husband doesn't want the whole world knowing

that you buttfuck him with the giant strap on. That was also editing. Bravo knows, like all these shows, they know if there's a leading question or a scandalous question, they will prolong that moment to make it seem whatever. So we don't really know. At least Serena was just waiting for the on-air sign to come on. She was just sitting there reading her iPhone.

They're like, oh my god, make it look like she's pensive. Yeah, that's probably what it was. She's playing Angry Birds. You know half this shit that we talk about. It's like not even real. We're just, you know, we're just like the victims of really clever editing. Clever editing of stupid people. You gotta love it. Exactly.

Okay, so yeah, the next thing was Catherine and Erica. Go for it. It's a box. They spend like five seconds punching a bag. With another gay ploy. The hottest one ever. And how long has Erica been fucking that guy? I know. Rawr.

I don't remember what he looked like. I don't remember what he looked like. He looked like a cross between Mario Lopez without the obnoxious personality. And the guy from Desperate Housewives who was the gardener, like that young gardener guy that Eva Longoria boned. It's like a cross, like a face smash between those. Adorbs. Yeah. Yes. We approve.

We approve of all the... So far, the gay representation on this season has been very easy on the eyes. Yeah, flawless. So, Erica comes out. This is in Pasadena because Erica's another another yolanda who who's gonna just make people drive an hour to see her ass okay yeah so she asked katherine has to go to pasadena and erica brings out this tray of like cinnabons and a ham and all this

shit i'm like what are you okay we get it erica you eat we all believe that you're not barfing okay stupid erica not buying it, Erica. You can put all the Cinnabons on that tray you want to. I don't buy it! Don't do that right after a workout. I mean, come on. Before, it was even worse. Yeah, she's like, let's eat.

And then we can, let's eat first. And then we can work out. Like, yeah, a few Cinnabons. I don't give a fuck. I'll eat what I want. Have you ever had a Cinnabon sandwich? Because I don't give a fuck. That's for sure. I don't give a fuck. I'll eat what I want. Have you ever had a Cinnabon sandwich? Because I don't give a fuck. That's for sure.

I don't give a fuck about sandwiches. I don't eat a finger sandwich. I want a hand sandwich. I want a whole submarine. I call this a I don't give a fuck sandwich, okay? Cinnabon ham and mayonnaise. Eat it. So this scene was so fun because Erica tried to open open up okay erica is a flesh bot it's official

i don't think she's a real person she's a sociopath with no feelings and it's almost making me like her because i've refused to like erica i know that she's horrible i just know it so but i have liked her let's face it and this makes me like her more this whole thing where catherine's like okay i really want to ask you some questions well what kind of questions but I have liked her let's face it and this makes me like her more this whole thing where Catherine's like okay I really want to ask you some questions well what kind of questions well I just want to know like why are you so cool why are you such a bitchy cold person basically yeah and Erica goes into her role women have never liked me because I'm hot yeah so it's really difficult because women just don't like hot people you know and like that all they do is fight with each other

start shit with each other yeah women actually goes into this like hating women diatribe which is hilarious because it's kind of like that self-hating gay diatribe that you know i've certainly been guilty of going off on when i am one of them it's like what are you talking about and um with her it's like this woman hating thing but she is one and her whole life is mocking it what it's like mocking being a whore like the mocking the lowest common denominator in the woman personality and then using it for her art to laugh at it and pretend that it's not who she is but it is who she is she's married to a rich guy for his money and she's backstabbing and talking shit about every woman so well she um it's a conundrum her whole thing is that

katherine's asking her she says like do you have many female friends and erica's like no not really no female friends but i was really close to my grandma, and I miss her. And then she, like, wipes a tear away, and she's like, I want to call her, but she's dead, so I can't. So anyway, moving on. Yeah, people die. That's what you do, because they die. I'm like, I know we're supposed to feel bad for you right now, but not one tear came out. Okay, you fucking index finger under eyelid holder. That's how she cried.

She's like, I'm going to put my index fingers under my eyes, and then I'm going to press them really hard. That's how you get rid of the bags, okay? No one's believing that you're crying. Cut the crap, lady. Yeah. So what's, to me, the most significant part is that Catherine's like,

I want to be your best friend. I'm going to be your girlfriend. I'm going to be the one that you can call up, okay? And you can talk to, you can share with. You're going to be my best friend. Like, I'm going to be your girlfriend. I'm going to be the one that you can call up, okay, and you can talk to, you can share with. You're going to be my best friend, so that means that you're not going to go to this one, and then you're going to say this to this one, and then you're going to be a woman. You know, you're not going to be a woman, right? Catherine's like, no, absolutely not. I'm going to be cool.

I'm like a cool chick. I can box. Like, look at my bicep. Okay, now that we've got that settled, what do you think about Cup Fitness, Lisa Vanderpump? Oh, yeah, that's right. So then – and then that's when they start talking about – she's like, I think she shoots from the side or whatever. Or maybe it was Erica who said that. Side sniping.

No, Erica said that. Yeah, Erica said that. That's what I meant. So Erica says that she thinks that Lisa is manipulative and she snipes from the side. Catherine has that when she's soaking things up, she makes this trout face where she leans forward and covers her front teeth with her lip

and goes, with her mouth open. She shakes her head. She's the singing bass on the wall. She's not talented enough to sing so you press the button and it just flops around On the wall So when she's taking something in She's processing information and figuring out how she's going to use it later

She does that thing She does that blink blink Blink blink You can hear her blinks, her wide eye Because she has that dumb person wide eye thing I talk about Wide eyes, dumb Blink blink blink, blink, blink. Like totally blink behind the eyes.

I'm surprised she remembered anything that was said. I was proud of her. Yeah. So then what happened next? I just have to say side-sniping is the dumbest term in the world. Sniping is where you shoot someone from far away. You've got to do it from the side too. Stupid Erica.

Okay. I mean, that actually makes vanderpump very talented she can not only get get a shot from far away but she can do it from far away and from the side she's amazing well uh i guess the concept of sniping has been difficult historically with the real housewives because i do seem to remember rosie from new jersey saying something like yeah you know she's a real sniper she'll walk right up to you and punch you in the face. Oh, be careful. That show's coming back.

Don't bring it up back into your brain sooner than it has to been. So now, after this breakfast. Okay, Catherine. Villablanca. Villablanca. Why are we at Vill Blanca? Because, um, Lisa's going there to meet with Ken,

talking about like taking over Chichi LaRue's shop. And then that's when this email. Move those flowers. Why are these flowers not where I put them? Oh, we moved them over there. Move them back. Okay.

Thanks for coming into work, Lisa. That's all Lisa does at work. She's like, move the flowers. Why is that part one inch from the bar? I wanted 1.5. There, I've from the bar? I want it 1.5. There, I've done my job.

That's so difficult. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. think about when they hear the words black history rosa parks reconstruction mlk february black history exactly exactly there are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about especially outside of february and we are about to flip the

script on all of that because on this show you're gonna hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th. Or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts.

Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top ten, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society

that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Yeah, so then we have this intercutted,

this intercutted, nice English, this intercut scene of all the women talking about the email, the big email. And then they all read it. They all took turns reading it. So I was thinking maybe we could do that as well so you want to go

let me see here I've got it pulled up so I'll start with Yolanda's voice and then we'll just switch off paragraphs doing whatever housewife we want this is an email that Yolanda sent to Kyle the day after lunch at Frida and also we have to say there is no credit on this,

but this was written by Daisy, the nurse whore, because we've all read a Yolanda email before. We read one last year and it was really like, it wasn't even as intelligent as alphabet soup. And also let's point out the reason why we have this full email is because Yolanda posted the full email on her Bravo blog.

Well, she couldn't even post it on Bravo. They wouldn't let her, so she got a WordPress account to post it, and of course has no commenting ability. I checked. So she's like, I get the pressing of the word and bravotv.com zimps,

and I will put it on my own blog. You go for it, Yoli. Dear Kyle, September of the 20 of the 10.5. After marinating on what went down yesterday, I want to bring a couple of things to your attention. I am coming out of a three-year ordeal of living in a mentally paralyzed cocoon due to an infection in my brain called, all caps, NEUROBORIOLIOSIS.

Something you might want to research in case you would like to have a better understanding of Lyme disease, the biggest global epidemic in today's world. Uh, well, I don't give a fuck. I arrived with a great attitude yesterday and proud of myself for making out of bed and joining you girls like who the fuck cares you know like for you to go down

so hard on me in order to create drama uh or what you think is good tv is beyond my understanding and it left me quite confused living is a very isolated world i am not used to being attacked in such an unkind way it has taken me some time to digest it. I love that you chose Erica to say you went down so hard on me. You go down so hard on me. That's so funny. As far as I know, Lisa

Rinna in our incident was clearly resolved at Erica's house. Darling, get the horse out of the living room, darling. Rosie has just done this rug. All right, then I put my glasses back on there. It's CVS. By the way, she looks so good with those glasses on.

As far as I know, at least René Blas said it, CeCe is the producer of our show, and CeCe Bloom is the producer of our show. And as far as I know, he's doing an excellent job. I do believe that the show is a collaboration of something. I don't know. There's something cut off. But the next page.

Okay, you just start the next one. I believe that the show is a collaboration of we missed a paragraph of something, darling. I also would like to clarify with you that my deal with Bravo and Evolution was based on the best of my ability, whether that is filming three or ten or thirty times a season. So I'd appreciate it if you would lower your expectations of how much I should participate in filming. Sitting at home, staring at the ceiling, waiting for my brain to heal is not a choice for me. But unfortunately, the cards life has dealt me. Okay, baby? I am already feeling unaccomplished as it is

okay that's how kim used to make me feel you know like i don't work so please don't make me feel like i'm not holding up my part of the bargain here okay if i was living a life with my family and friends sitting in front row of fashion week with my girls and not show up to work i would understand your frustration with me but unfortunately that's not the case to not show up to work, I would understand your frustration with me, but unfortunately, that's not the case. It's time to come to work, okay? And my daughters are supermodels, in case you forgot. Yeah, so I wasn't even just at my own work with this show. I was at their work, like, in the front row,

and I'll have you know, I was in the front row, okay, at Fashion Week. I know everybody there. Do you know who Tommy Hilfiger Liger is? I do. He's like a tiger. It rhymes with tiger, okay? I know everybody there. Do you know who Tommy Hilfiger Liger is? I do. He's like a tiger. It rhymes with tiger, okay? I know him.

So please trust me when I say I'm doing the best that I can. Like you, I want to make the best show possible, but I can't do more than I do for reasons you will probably never understand. We have two strong beautiful new house housewives, Erica and Catherine, that, given a chance, could help make a great season. And it's not signed, but I would imagine that it's, Go eat a lemon, you stupid cow. So here's what's interesting.

Hashtag Yolanda still living with invisible disease. Foster. So here's what's interesting. Yolanda is right that Kyle was out to make TV, for sure. But here's what's interesting. Yolanda is right, that Kyle was out to make TV, for sure. But here's what Yolanda forgot. She's on TV! That's what happens when you meet these women for

lunch. Something's gonna happen every time, and it might be annoying that Kyle does it, you know? And it might be like, and the way Kyle does it is in this very thirsty, obvious way. Bitch, you're on a reality show you're on the Real Housewives okay this is par for the course and you're also trying to make

TV by bringing your lime into every damn scene that you do okay you could be at someone else's wedding and you'd stand up to give a toast and be like I would like to congratulate the tick for infesting my body because this is the longest relationship

i've ever had it won't leave me i just love that you know in her theoretical portion of email where she's saying like if i could like like don't you think i want to be out there sitting front row with my daughter with my daughters at like fashion week it's like any chance she can to mention to mention and i love that it's not like oh i'm too sick to get out of bed it's like yes of course i was in new york and yes i went on watch what happens and yes i did all this fun stuff but i still at least showed up to work it's not like i was just laying in bed and not doing the other stuff you know or while i was doing the other. She's like a child. Oh, but it was very past and very past aggressive for her to send it to the whole cast.

And it's the biggest global epidemic in today's world. But there's also a lot of hypocrisy of Kyle Richards being mad that Yolanda didn't keep it between the two of them. When Kyle was the one who raised the whole thing in front of everyone at lunch. And the whole thing in front of everyone at lunch and the muhammad thing kyle's also the one who brought up the muhammad thing she's also the one that oh god whatever we don't need to go i don't need to start with kyle again i'm already exhausted with kyle i know so let's see so that's this is a big intercut scene about all of this stuff and of course lisa v Vanderpump in her biggest victim mode ever. She's like, darling, I just don't understand what I've done to your land.

Does your land not remember what we've done for her? I couldn't make a list. Do you remember that time I sent her a goldfish? I sent her an actual goldfish, Ken. I had it driven all the way to Malibu. I'm, of course, talking about a cracker, her an actual goldfish, Ken. I had it driven all the way to Malibu. I'm of course talking about a cracker, not an actual goldfish. Poor thing couldn't care for anything living. Then she sent me a diatribe about trying to infest her with gluten, darling. Do you remember that after the goldfish cracker?

Oh, I can't do anything right then, can I? I sent her an entire goldfish cracker, and last thing I heard, that she gave it to the man selling little mermaid towels at the corner. I mean, that was a gift for crying out loud. Oh, Yolanda's texting me. She's watching the scene as we film, and she's infuriated that I've mentioned the little mermaid man.

She said that I'm telling the world that she owns a Walmart, darling. I didn't say that, darling. What can I do, darling? Now she's mad at me because I bought a tower from Bed Bath & Beyond. I'm supposed to go all the way to Malibu to patronize the Little Mermaid Tower Man? I don't think so. Darling, loaning her our horse when David Foster wouldn't buy her another one is the worst thing I've ever done.

She's blaming me for her lime now, darling. Look, I already introduced her to Taylor. I mean, how many horses does she want? When I sent her an apology letter, I said, Dear Yolanda, and then she sent me an evil email saying, How could I bring up dear when I know that she's infected with lime, darling? What can I do? You know, I sent her an apology letter

on the finest laser printer paper that I could find at CVS. And what does she do? She complains it's made of wood, which is where ticks live. I mean, I can't win. Oh,

Yoli. Okay, so, Alina's pissed about me and the dinner party. Blah, blah, blah.

Notes, notes, notes. Okay, so then we go, then we end up at this, this dinner at Lisa Blah, blah, blah. Notes, notes, notes. Okay, so then we go. Then we end up at this dinner at Lisa's house. Bless her heart. I mean, bless her.

Lisa made the chicken. Although she basically was just lying on the flamingo. Take the chicken out. Take it out. Put it back in. Take it out. Put it back in. Darling, I've saved a lemon from Yolanda's.

I've shoved it up the chicken's ass. And I've made this for dinner. Don't anybody talk about Yolanda. Because that's all Yolanda would ever make is that goddamn roast chicken with the lemon shoved up its ass every day. Hello, David, my love. Welcome home, my king. I've made you a chicken. He's like, oh, Jesus Christ.

Who am I going to blow for a better fucking dinner around here? Ina Garten. Because she makes roast chicken for Jeffrey every Friday night. He probably fucked her about as many times as Jeffrey fucks Ina. So anyway, so the women all come over and they're all, so

they all go down to Lisa's wine bar, which I never knew existed, but it's like down the hill. I think she built it after Bethany, right? Because wasn't she saying, Bethany had one and I didn know i don't want to compete but no no she was saying that like yes bethany had one but mine's better i didn't want to say anything but mine's better you look at bethany's and it was like this cute it was a cute little wine bar shed thing that was furnished from marshall so yeah and then you have like then you have uh lisa's and it's like magnums of Dom Perignon.

Yeah. It's just like ten times more lux. Bethany's was furnished by Marshalls, and mine was furnished by a man named Marshall, who I flew here from Morocco. He brought his old grandmother and turned her into a bookcase. Do you like this, darling? So they're down there and everything And they're having dinner And then Catherine

Being the best girlfriend that she is Because you know she's a good girlfriend She's like so I went to Erica's place And so she said Lisa that you're manipulative Yeah she told me everything She started to cry She said you're manipulative

She told me your deepest secrets And these are what they are A, B, and C She said you're like a spider spinning a web. So, I mean, whatever that means. Yeah. She's like, yeah, so I told her that I'd be her best girlfriend, and I wouldn't go and run and tell everything she told me to all you guys.

But here we are. Someone tweeted at me yesterday saying that Catherineatherine was on watch what happens and said that she promised erica to be a good woman friend to her before erica started all of the vanderpump bashing so the vanderpump bashing negated the earlier promise of her being a good girlfriend oh i didn't realize it was so she was a good girlfriend for 30 seconds okay i get it get it. It's like I ate her Cinnabons, so what else am I supposed to do? Yeah. She was a good girlfriend from 11.43 a.m. to 11.57 a.m., and then the deal was broken. And, of course, this comes out of nowhere to Lisa, which is hilarious to me.

Why didn't she defend Lisa then? If this is true, then why is it that when Erica said, I think she's manipulative, why didn't she say, well, I don't think so? I just don't think she even knows her well enough. I would think. I mean, she's only hung out with her two days or something. Well, we can't say that Catherine is totally stupid because she knows who to cozy up to. That's right. That's one of the first ones who hasn't tried getting her right out of the gate.

So Lisa looked genuinely shocked, which is hilarious, because Lisa always wants to like the broken down ho. So she automatically liked Erica. She loves an outspoken, slutty, you know, she loves all that stuff. And so, of course, she's being stabbed by another one. But that was a good move by Catherine, I have to say. It made me like her a bit more this week. But it was a good move by Catherine, I have to say. It made me like her a bit more this week. But it was a smart move for her, but it was also like, you know, it made me laugh because, you know, this is the sort of thing.

This is the sort of reason why Erica doesn't have close female friends, because this is what we see a lot of women do on these shows. They just like totally backstab each other. This is what we see a lot of women do on these shows. They just like totally backstab each other. And then Lisa turns it into a big victim thing. Well, of course I'm a spider in a web, darling. The first book I ever read to my children was Charlotte's Web. And everyone thought that spider was so mean and they tried to kill that spider. But in the end, she was just writing the messages that would save their lives and no one ate the pig, darling.

All right, pass the bacon dressing, would you, darling? You know, the itsy bitsy spider went up the water spout and then down came the rain and washed the spider out and no one ever thought about the poor spider and I just cabered all the little souls. I went to the film Arachnid with John Goodman being attacked by spiders.

And I just remember thinking, everyone's worrying about John Goodman's family. What about the poor spiders, darling? That was a mass spider murder, darling. Do you know what that film did to the spider community? How could they even name a movie Arachnophobia?

You're just telling people to be afraid of us. Thank you, Arachnid. I'm so dumb. It's okay. Movies look 25 years old, so you're allowed to mess it up. And that brings us to the end of the real Housewold. The one thing is that Eileen, out of all this, why would

erica say that why would i ever say that that's when i lean like that's when she graphs that she's like well maybe maybe she was saying because she's really projecting something else sort of like how i'm still really upset at you about the hamptons like what no she didn't even make it that uh linear it was just she was like erica saying this because she picked up on that stuff in the Hamptons. Erica wasn't there for that. No, she was. No, no, Erica was there for when Eileen was trying to talk to Lisa a second time. Yeah, but she wasn't there at the dinner. But still, the theory is still so tenuous because Eileen's like, well, maybe she thinks you're manipulative because the time when you were manipulative in the Hamptons with me.

It's like, what? Or maybe because you've talked about it nonstop to her and anybody who would listen since that happened. Also, Erica, look, everybody knows it's not even a theory. It's what has happened on the show. Erica's come out for Lisa since the very beginning. She's been Team Yolanda the whole time. I mean, she's a total puppet. It's like, I'll be nice to, you know, I'll say lots of nice things about my fellow old hoe and

then you know we'll go we'll bring vanderpump down but unfortunately they've cast yet another person who's too stupid to actually do it i mean i love i love my lisa vanderpump but she's been wrong a zillion times on this show and someday someone will get her good but you guys are gonna have to learn how to do it first you know yeah it's hard though i mean it's she i mean lisa just is all she does is just continue to secure her position at the top i mean she's got two shows for crying out loud and she's at the top of both of them so so i mean she's like please victimize me darling they're doing just what she wants you know it's like when twitter starts to turn around lisa she's like all right right, victimize me. And then she becomes a saint again. Listen, not everyone loves Lisa Vanderpump.

You know, we both love her. Some of our listeners hate her. So there. You know, to us, she can't be knocked off her pedestal. To others, she's been knocked off years ago. Yeah. True. Well, you know, she is a manipulative, back-talking C-word.

But she does it in just such a graceful, fun way. I just love it. That not that's that's all it's just yeah exactly all these women have their faults and a lot of them have overlapping faults it's just how you are faulted like how you are awful and if you can make me laugh at the same time that you're being a cut fitness then you win exactly that's a lot of swans that's what it's like being gay as long as you can make us laugh while you're being terrible, we're down for it. No kidding. I mean, what was Liza Minnelli's mom? What is wrong with me?

Judy Garland. The gays loved her. She could barely stand up towards the end. She was singing like, like barfing on the stage. And we loved her even more because she's owning her, well, I mean, not owning it, I guess. She was running out on every bill in town. like barfing on the stage and we loved her even more because she's owning her well i mean not owning it i guess she was running out on every bill in town but she was still getting up on

stage and just being whatever kind of a mess she could and earning her paycheck you know we love a mess where we will i'm sure we will revisit this topic when southern charm comes back and my favorite um who you actually dislike uh what's her face? The old lady. Well, I think she's hilarious and I'm super glad she's on the show, but I think she's a total cut fitness. Patricia. Oh, she's an awful racist old twat. I do not like that lady at all.

What an awful human being. And I can't wait to watch her again. So anyway, before we move on to what's it it called newlyweds the first year let's uh let's take a moment to uh enjoy our new segment clear the phlegm how lucky are you to have me teach you about me clear the phlegm any excuse to make another little jingle or ditty so this is a segment that we will be uh doing talking about caroline fleming's instagram because it is fucking amazing okay absolutely amazing so i will begin car Caroline Fleming of Ladies of London.

Hashtag Pilates. With Corparo Fitness and at True Bee app at hashtag home. Great way to start the day after dropping my little darlings at school. Didn't feel like working out at all, but so glad I did it now. A great reminder that the hardest decisions are often the best. Dot, dot, dot. Like the ones who are hardest to love are the ones who need it the most. Dash.

Have a great day. Emoji heart. That was a whole lot of extrapolation from just doing some yoga on your rug. Okay. The hardest decisions in life are often the best ones. Bitch, you just decided to do yoga. Okay? Just because you did a downward dog on the bedroom floor does not mean

you made a significant change for mankind. Yeah, she's wearing like some weird pantyhose with... She's wearing some weird 80s workout outfit, basically. Lying on a yoga mat that's on top of an Oriental rug. We don't call them that anymore. Do you know?

So the one, the picture that I brought up, it's Caroline. She's doing a selfie, taking a picture of herself in a mirror. She's wearing jeans and a little sweater and a little jacket thing, Hair is up. One knee sort of like bent a little bit. And this is her caption. At Diesel. Hashtag Diesel Denim. Hashtag Diesel Spring Summer 16. Now is the perfect time to go and find that perfect pair of jeans

that make you feel fabulous. I have and always will be a get up and go kind of girl in jeans, no time to brush my hair. Jeans just work. X, X, X. I'm really sure, Caroline Fleming, you just get up out of bed,

put on your jeans, don't even do anything to your hair and go outside. I'm very sure. How lucky are you to have me not brush my hair? What an idiot. Thank God for Instagram.

And now, clear the phlegm. Clear the phlegm. Clear the phlegm. Love it. So now let's move on to newlyweds, the first and most likely last year. Oh, this episode had me cracking up a lot, especially Craig and Brandon this week. Oh, yeah, the gays were hilarious this week. Do you want to start with the gays?

Oh, yes, always, because they're the best couple of this bunch. I think they're the only couple that will probably make it. Well, maybe Rob and will probably make it well maybe robin rowe will make it you think you think honey you think we're gonna make it i think we're gonna make it do you this is starting to feel like therapy oh gosh it's not therapy it's just that i want to tell you stuff that'll help your brain like therapy well okay like therapy yes therapy okay welcome to therapy oh it's not fun we're in therapy so the big issue is that so uh craig and brandon were going to florida i'm making a vision board yeah craig walks in and brandon's making a vision board what are you doing on making a vision board what's on it a swimsuit you're tanning cream. You have to rub up on everything.

I can't even keep a vision board clean around here. Sorry, Hein. Sorry. I just was thinking about Crystal and I wasn't paying attention. I love that Chris Crystal. Anyway, they're going to go to Florida to visit Craig's family.

And Brandon has an issue because when Craig is around his family, especially his dad, he tends to be more reserved. Craig's like, no, I'm not. That's crazy. I'm just as affectionate as always. They came to our wedding, Brandon. Brandon's like, when you and your dad picked me up from the airport after us not seeing each other for two weeks you shook my hand and then greg is like hmm well where my dad's from that is like a hug and it was hard for him to watch that two men hugging like that with their hands it's difficult they're so funny and i love that brandon brought it up he's like well you know what this vision

board is making me think about how i'm upset that you don't treat me right in front of your dad that's like your vision board don't put that on your vision board okay uh so they're going for craig's grandma's birthday and um he's like my dad doesn't hate gay people he's just you know afraid of them it doesn't mean he's homophobic he's like have you told your parents that we're planning to have a baby no are you planning to no i was just gonna say look we found this kid outside and thought we'd bring him in for some dinner every time we visit you know doesn't it look like crystal oh my god how cute is this baby it's a crystal baby they'll accept a stranger baby if they know it looks like crystal they love crystal who doesn't i have crystal in front of my dad isn't that enough

brandon big surprise i know i told you we're going to florida to see my parents but guess what we're gonna go visit crystal instead we're going to crystal land so they go see the parents and uh craig is just the same way with his parents as he is with his husband he's like mom could you do my laundry like he brought dirty laundry for his mother to do in his suitcase and brandon is like brandon's like i hope you didn't pack your bag like that because i love i love how like you know brandon gets off a lot. He gets in terms of criticism because Craig is always messy. I've been doing these silly things that we focus so much on Craig. But the truth is that Brandon is above and beyond a neat freak.

He's like, I can't believe you didn't even fold your clothes in your bag. It's just this is a travesty. And he also just gets off on being the mommy. I mean, we know so many people with daddy issues or mommy issues from this show. Like Craig, you know, he's like dating a father figure. But then Brandon, what is it called? A child issue? Like son issues or baby issues when you have to be the mom or the dad?

So they've obviously got that. But you know what? It seems to work for them. So, yeah. I mean, they seem happy. So they go to Florida. And I really love how fast the world has changed because we're kind of expecting it to be awful because they're afraid of the parents

and this and that and of course there's nothing to be afraid of the parents are so supportive and loving and um that was so cute and craig goes fishing with his dad and i love that from craig and and Brandon's point of view, Craig is really trying to butch it up around his parents. And he's going fishing with his dad. And he's like, ew, worms. Ew, it's so money, dad. Gross. And his dad's like, yep, look at that turtle. That turtle might get that duck.

Oh, get away from the turtle, duck. That's what it was. I had the turtle, Craig. I got that turtle. He's like, well, dad, I just want to talk to you about something that actually Brandon brought up. And I guess I do this. So I guess when we're around you, I'm just sort of like not very affectionate to Brandon. And that's like, oh, because of the gay?

The gay thing? Yeah. Because of gay. Oh, because of the gay the gay thing yeah well i felt more comfortable talking because of gay oh because of gay and then he's like yeah it's like well that's your problem not mine i've decided to talk to you about this right now because you're chomping on a humongous phallic symbol and i thought it would be okay dad his dad had a huge cigar and his dad's like well look we don't care we're supportive of you guys i, I just feel bad for parents who aren't supportive. It's our job to be supportive of our kids.

I mean, that was so sweet. So sweet and lovely. And Craig's like, yeah, but these worms are gross, Dad. He's like, I know, my little homo. Now let's go home. Let's go homo, my little homo. So cute. So then they're telling all the family.

And he's like, the uncle uncle the aunt and they're all like you know the uncle they're all funny and sweet and so lovely and so florida by the way they're all from canada and they just come to florida for the winters like most people in florida but um they sure embrace that you know snowbird lifestyle yeah that whatever the local t TJ Maxx is called. I forget what it's called. They have TJ Maxx there. A lot of khaki shorts, which I don't say with disdain because I just bought some khaki shorts myself. But they still had cargos in them, darling.

In the Florida scene. So they go in a lot of floral prints and tight wife beater T-shirts on the moms. And their news of breaking it, they're like, we're holding hands, which was so funny. The family's like, okay, what's about to happen? Are they about to make a deal? Well, guys, you know how sometimes people make babies? They're like, yeah.

Well, Brandon's sister wants to have a baby, but she is married to another woman. Those are called lesbians. They're like, yeah, yeah, Brandon's sister wants to have a baby, but she is married to another woman. Those are called lesbians. They're like, yeah, yeah, thanks. We get it. Well, they need a baby, so I'm going to be a donation. They're like, so we talking about a turkey baster here? They're like, Craig's mom's like, you'll make a beautiful parent, whatever.

Yeah. Don't trust him with a turkey baster. I've already tried that one time at Thanksgiving. It was the only Thanksgiving the turkey burnt. Don't do it. Her mom, his mom telling Brandon, I am so glad he found someone. I never thought he would find someone who would be able to live with him. I had to do it for years.

It was terrible. But you're doing it. We had to paint all the walls brown because he just kept on rubbing up against him with his tanner i've never seen a two-year-old insist on tanner at the target but he sure did wow so they they're doing this thing their parents like yes you're gonna have a baby and he's like yeah but then you know then we wanted one but then i started thinking about brandon's feelings because it was all about what i wanted crystal's face that came out of somebody the crystal's face on my legacy but then i realized brandon's right when that baby comes out i can't let anybody slap it

on the butt to make it breathe because i can't let anybody slap crystal, so Brandon can do what he wants. What the hell? So basically the big bombshell is that Craig said he didn't want Crystal's egg. He wanted Brandon's sister's egg instead, which was actually a really lovely moment. Because it was, i was it like resonated with me because craig worships crystal like if you like if there were room for crystal in this relationship she would definitely be there you know if this was a two-bedroom house she'd be there yeah i mean brandon would be totally fred flintstoned so for him to say i'm going to sacrifice crystal's egg and let's do the other egg was like a gigantic sacrifice.

Yeah, that was crazy. But the minute that baby comes out, he's going to start contouring its face to look like Crystal's. Yeah. You're never too young to learn about contouring. Oh, and I also liked that he was like, okay, family. Now, I want to have a discussion while I hold this man's hand. But I don't want to make it all about me. And the dad goes, it's always all about you.

What's the difference? Yeah, exactly. You were made fishing about you. And there was that turtle drama. I mean, come on. Well, what I loved was how after this big moment, and they're crying, and the mom's like, oh, you'll make great parents, da-da-da-da. One of the women I don't know if it was the grandmother or the auntie

I don't want to insult anyone but she was like I'm so glad I'm old well to be fair in a town without facelifting you can't really tell when you're from LA and then you see people from the rest of the country you're like darling is the sun out 24 hours a day here and do you live inside of it

i know so they brandon and craig they you know they make me laugh so much but i'm not really laughing at them as i don't know i just i'm totally laughing at them i mean i laugh at them but it's not really from the same it's not it doesn't have the disdain attached to it as with the other people on this show. Oh, yeah. I really like them, but they're hilarious. So the Persians, the Persian princess and her stupid, wide-eyed, stupid husband controlling asshole. They're stupid. She finally went on a plane.

And you've got to love that her husband has written a book about being an addict and talks about it in every single episode. You want to meditate? You want to meditate? Every episode. You want to meditate? You want to meditate? Every episode. Every episode she's reverting more and more and more into like a child teenager state. It's actually I think pathological.

Yeah they're both fucking nuts these two. So he's the one who's always talking about addiction this and that and he's like well would you like a drink? Because that helps. I'm like, hello. So he gets her drunk, basically. On the plane. Yeah, on the plane.

So she can do it. Congratulations. You got past the housewife storyline that we've been sick of since season one of Beverly Hills. The fake fear of flying. Shut up, bitch. So they get there. Then they have a fight about her parents. And she says if they could just, you know know they're happy and romantic on this trip and

they're kissing and it's so great and then she goes well if we could just have my family then this relationship would be perfect it would be amazing and he's like i don't want to talk about it you know which by the way i think to me but she but for her to so i mean what she was saying was totally fine and appropriate to say. Everything is great. The only thing that I wish were better was I wish if you guys just got along, then it would be perfect. Which is exactly right. Like if they got along, it would be perfect. Then he throws a tantrum.

He's like, like, it's already perfect. Like, I wish we didn't have to even deal with your parents. Like, you just had to ruin it. You had to ruin it by mentioning your parents. Like, what an asshole. Like, just seriously making it into like this he just made it into this like a pity party for him like i can't believe you there you are your parents ruining another perfect moment you know no she's right if he if he and his and her parents regardless of whose fault it is if they just got along then there'd be no issues that's the only issue that they really have aside for the fact that you know he is a control freak asshole dick oh he's the worst he said

well oh yeah well this marriage would be amazing for me if i didn't have to deal with your family at all i'm like oh how romantic okay fast forward you're both idiots real he is a real real asshole and i hope that she um i just i hope that she finds someone else. So the other couple that was kind of boring, but I don't really hate them, is Ro and Rob. Boring. They were boring this week. Because basically, Rob decided that he wants to follow his dreams down in Tampa now. He's unhappy at his job in New York City, and he wants to make it in music.

So I feel like i you know i support that you got to follow your dreams and you know if they are happier in tampa but is he going to be able to really follow his musical dreams in tampa as opposed to new york well i think you just have to make the music first yeah i mean if the music takes you somewhere it takes you somewhere but he doesn't even really make music i mean he'll put together a couple of garage band loops on a saturday between brunch and dinner and that's it so i think to make it a music you have to like have a little more going you know you have to make a little more i feel like i feel like um really before you move back to tampa and i

understand why they want to go back there their family and their friends are there but before you go back if you want to make it a music like as long as you're in New York, just try to do it in New York. That's where there's a – I mean the music scene in New York is so huge. I know, but they can't do it. There's no time. They'd have to move to like – well, they'd have to sacrifice their lifestyle. That's the problem. They would have to live out of boroughs.

Yeah, you can't even live in Queens though anymore. It's so expensive there now. It is ridiculous. They wouldn't be able to stay in their apartment, that's for sure. They would have to become bohemians, like the way everyone else who is starting out in the music industry is. New York was an artist center because it used to be crime-ridden and dirt cheap to live downtown in a big warehouse that you converted into a loft.

That wasn't trendy. That was what people did because they were broke and starving and stuff like that. You can't do that anymore. Those are now trillion-dollar lofts down there. It's not the same thing. There needs to be another place. That's the financial capital of the world,

and it's an excellent city. I lived there for 10 years. I fucking loved it. But I felt the same thing. I was like, why am I working so hard just to pay rent to live with five other people? This is bullshit. I'm out of here. If he wants to follow

music, I mean, there are definitely cities that have huge music scenes, New Orleans or, you know, etc. But I think if you want to have an active career in, especially the music that he wants to do and be on the producing side, I think he probably has to be in New York or Los Angeles or Atlanta.

There's the internet now. I think if you have music and you send that music to people and they're interested in you, then you can move. But it's not really about the location. You've got to actually do the art first. You can't just plan on being an artist because of where you live. But there's networking too. Like I think that he – the thing about being in some place like New York or Los Angeles, you go to the shows. You meet people in the industry because it's like just doing it on the internet is like not enough anymore,

because everyone's doing it on the internet. I think you have to like get out there and you have to like meet people, I think, of what they should do. I love how we're like giving career advice to these two idiots. But basically, she has a new job that she actually likes a lot.

It sounds like it's a good job. They should downsize, move to, I don't know, Bensonhurst or something. And she basically supports them. And he gets some sort of income doing something and works on his music and goes out to the shows every night, get a job at a record label. I don't know what it is. That's my job. That's my advice to you. I've just put on my Suzy Orman jacket. My advice to you is make music before you call yourself a musician. You don't just move somewhere

and call yourself something and then you're that you have to actually do that and then you can sell the product put the product before the fucking city like if he doesn't already have a ton of songs that he's recording and a bunch of stuff that he's already done then he's not really making music like having a dream is cool but you actually have to like put the work in well the good news for him is that there's an unfinished pump cd that's looking for a new producer so oh anyway we'll get to that later um yeah we're almost done so i but i also love that he's like i'm jealous because you're following your dream no she's not she got a new job in technology that is not starting a fashion blog has nothing to do with fashion it's a technology

site or it's a technology true but she's having a more fun life but she's she's still not but she's better in her situation because she went from a job she hated to one that she likes now that's the other thing it's like oh you finally just got this job that you like and now you're gonna leave immediately i don't know i feel like tampa should be on their two-year goal maybe or three-year goal but like give it, give it a shot, people. I say get the hell out of any city that charges you $2,500 for a shit little studio. I say get the fuck out of there. They should move to L.A.

They actually really should move to L.A. Because for what they both want to do, you can live here. I mean, obviously the rents here have gotten really high, but it's nothing compared to New York. There's always a loser! That's right. So let's move And the stuff that they want to do. There's always a loser. That's right. So let's move on here. We have one more couple. We have Adonis.

The biggest train wreck on this show. Adonis and his dumb ass wife. What are they? Erica. What are they called? She starts every. I don't know how I'm feeling about our relationship. But Adonis, I don't know how I'm feeling about our relationship, Adonis. This week was her saying, her looking blankly, struggling a little bit going, I don't know.

I don't know. She starts everything with an N sound. I went to the nurse. You know, I want to know, like I'm feeling things about Adonis and I'm like, I don't know. I'm feeling things about Adonis, and I'm like, I don't know how I feel. This is my husband. I shouldn't have to feel this way about him, because I love him,

but he keeps doing things that annoy me so much. And then the feather-haired therapist at Bravo flew in. He's like, so, how do you feel she's like well isn't like i can't like really trust a dance because like at our wedding he was talking about girls that he wanted to fuck so i'm like wow if he does that on a special day and i'm like is this the rest of my life? Yes, you idiot. Who did you think you were marrying, fool? Of course it's the rest of your life, you damn idiot. But at least in this one, she's pretending that she's going to have a backbone.

Because the therapist is like, well, do you want to be in? Oh, well, he says, do you want to be in the relationship? And she's like, I'm not sure. want to be in the relationship and she's like i'm not sure but she's like uh i mean oh yeah he said do you think he's cheating on you everything that you know now he's been really oddly nice not telling you where he's going and bringing you flowers for no reason do you feel like he's cheating and she's like no oh god you're an idiot you're an idiot yeah so she goes away for week two calls bad well with her sisters and friend and she she does say this which you got to give a little credit for growth because she actually did say i think he's just he keeps me insecure because he knows if I'm insecure,

then I won't leave him. So he makes me insecure, and then I am insecure, and then so I stay. I was like, whoa, that's a humongous step for you. I never thought you would think that deeply. Congratulations. Nice work. Yeah, that's probably the deepest thought

she ever had in her life. It hurt. Do you have any aspirin? So then she goes off to this like a week with the girls and they're like so you're gonna stay with adonis do you still love adonis like no i don't like him did you ever like him do you think you'll stay with him well i don't know i don't want to stay with him which means that she's gonna stay with them yeah that's the thing like i i want to applaud her progress. Which means that she's going to stay with him. Yeah, that's the thing. Like, I want to applaud her progress, but I know that it's just bullshit because it's what one of her girlfriends told her on the phone to say. She's like, oh, I know. Meanwhile, Adonis spends the entire episode, like, following her around with, like, a cell phone camera.

Be like, hey, honey, you're excited to go on your trip? You're going to go on your trip and have a good time? Okay, I'm going to. I'll be here. I'll be here. Not boning anyone. What kind of shrink shrink what the hell kind of shrink says you know what you need you need to take a week for yourself and just leave adonis alone really the man that you think is cheating with like 20 different people at once you need to leave him alone that's the last thing

this relationship's need is for adonis to have some fucking time yeah she's gonna get home to stains all over that comforter stupid um um um newlyweds okay newlyweds goodbye now clear the newly yeah next week is the season finale thank god i hope it takes place in a divorce court, darling. Yes. Well, unfortunately, I don't think that Rob and Persian Girl are going to be getting divorced anytime soon, which is too bad. You know what? I say keep them together. It's better to have awful people paired up and secluded and away from the dating public. Okay, get them all off of Tinder. I'm sick of seeing their stupid needy asses bye bye bye clear the needs okay let's go over to the best show on television

yes vanderpump rules secluded people who need to be secluded from the rest of society for health reasons get them out of the g. Vagrant poop drools. I took notes on this, Ronnie. I'm shifting to lie down now, darling. I'm now lying down on couch desk. Lie down on reclined desk. Reclined desk. So this week's episode opens with

Sheena and Ariana and Katie shopping for lingerie. And Sheena's like, I just want my old friend back. So I'm going to have Ariana come shopping with us. I wanted to poke their eyes out with those stupid paper straws they were drinking champagne out of. They're like, would you like some champers? I'm like, oh my God, I love some champagne. And then they give them these stupid paper straws from the 50s and they just kept holding up in front of their face i was like is this a straw plug like

why do you have to show these every time you speak they're like look at these straws i wrote down a note i don't even know why i wrote this i go sheena big straw it's also her best friend i'm best friends with my straw i just love how clueless these people are. They're in a lingerie store. One of them is Sheena is buying lingerie to please a deadbeat who has no job and who probably can't get a boner that goes past his mangina. Then Katie is buying lingerie for a man she hasn't fucked in over three weeks since he's proposed to her. And Ariana, who's buying lingerie for tom i mean come on people talk about people who are not looking deeply enough into their own relationships so ariana's complaining she's like she's like this doesn't fit right i can you can see my nips on

this one oh this makes my butt oh she's complaining about everything and she's like about everything well she's by the way she you've had your fair share of complaints about everything. I can't believe that you guys would have been in a lingerie shop a few weeks before my birthday. She still can't pass a damn restaurant without remembering the time that she got a bloody toe at one. Yeah. Remember when my toe bled at that place?

Oh, my God. I can never go to a bar without my toe throbbing. It's like phantom glass in my phantom toe. I think I want all of the lingerie here. I think I'm going to just try one of each of the Prime cocktails. I'm not even going to try one of each of all these brands. I love the way she's in a voice. Why does she always complain?

Did you just meet Ariana? Did she just become a complaining Jane? Ariana has always been a sourpuss complaining Jane. Why is this new? Exactly. So then after they try on their stuff and they buy lingerie, Sheena starts talking about what she heard about the previous night. If you may remember, at the end of the last episode um tom schwartz was upset because he quit this vanderpump sangria thing

and everyone was like oh man you're not gonna be you're not gonna be able to support your wife you're supposed to be getting your life together and he was everyone was coming down on him and he was getting upset and then uh he was really really frustrated and tom sandoval tried to like explain it like if somebody said something about my band kristen yeah stop talking about your band dude no one wants to hear about your band he like he like alluded to his band as like to like illustrate a point about something and so jacks was like stop fucking talking about your band no one wants to hear about it so then Jax told Sheena that Tom Sandoval has been

got really mad because he wanted to talk about his band and Jax wouldn't let him so Sheena's like well I heard that you and Tom were upset about the band and then Ariana goes wait take it down we weren't upset Ariana please Iana like please i know this is

sheena you're talking about but like just stop being condescending for one second she can't do it i don't know what their end goal is tom and ariana like if they think they're gonna separate themselves and be a bitch to everybody where do they think that leaves them they're not being bitchy enough to be villains tom's not i mean ariana's like a bitch at everybody. Where do they think that leaves them? They're not being bitchy enough to be villains. Tom's not. I mean, Ariana's like a bitch at this point. Yeah, Ariana has just turned sour, as Kristen later said. I think at this point they're actually just flat out frustrated.

They're just like, you know, they see people becoming friends with crazy Kristen again. They see people turning their words against them. Sheena texting Ariana's mom. They're probably just like utterly frustrated at this point yeah i don't think they have it in game i think they're just you know poor tom like he can't understand what's going on he's like why he's like why are they doing all this stuff to us i love ariana droll i love a droll bitch she's like no whoa whoa take it down nobody said that what actually happened is that they were trying to make tom feel better and jack started saying that he's the best and no one's better than him and

he's the coach of the men and he is like the biggest man of the group and sheena's like well i heard that jack's was upset it's like okay Okay, you win. Sheena the lawyer. Well, that's not true, Jack, because, like, what Jack's told me. Okay, you're automatically going to lose in every fucking case if that's your only defense. It's what Jack's told me. Send her to mental health county. Yeah, totally. Well, like, the keys weren't there, but then we, like, Jack said he shook a bookcase, and then they fell out of his girlfriend's new implants that he bought.

Did you know that? He bought those with partially his own money and also money he borrowed from cats. I heard the three's a hobbit got raped in the back barn. What's an auto trader? Does that mean that you betray cars? I don't get it. You see, those cars are mad because Tom won't stop talking about his band, so they traded each other.

He's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Answer me, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. You won't know. Who does that hit anyway? Like, who does that? Abjukin. Abjunction function.

Abjunction of functions. I'm like, oh, I've seen that. Just sit down, lady. Abjunction of functions. Guilty. I'm like oh I've seen that Just sit down lady Okay so So then Over at some music studio DJ James Kennedy Is producing a CD with Max It's the Pump CD

And DJ James It's a CD Because apparently a lot of the music that he makes just sounds really good in Pump Restaurant. So in other words, it's a Buddha Bar mix from 20 years ago. Great job, buddy. Exactly. He's like, it's pretty much my greatest accomplishment I've done in my life yet. Well, considering your other great accomplishment was getting bread to a table in less than five minutes.

Yeah, I was going to say, this is just, it's the greatest accomplishment second to spinning on Kristen's door. Take a good look, you basic bitch record industry. This is a great accomplishment. I'm the white fucking Kanye West. Oh, that was amazing. I don't mean to sound conceited, basic bitch but i am the white kanye west and i was like uh kanye west is conceited you basic bitch so if you're gonna sound like the new kanye west you're gonna need to stop apologizing for sounding conceited stupid

and uh last time i checked kanye west wasn't turning out cds full of like argentinian infused restaurant lounge electro jazz compilations oh give him time he'll he'll just throw anything he hears on the radio just talk over it yeah so anyway um loves me it's my favorite i was thinking about that after the loves me he's just playing chris jesus loves me i'll just play jesus loves me talk over that um so lisa and then he goes into this weird thing oh lisa comes by to be supportive she's like hello it's me you know this this studio could use a gigantic pot that sits in half the door so it's harder to get inside

so they start talking about a bunch of stuff Lisa doesn't care about Like relationships and stuff And she's like Are you going to do your song with Lala? It's like No, I don't think I'm going to put it on the CD You know, the Pump CD has to be the best stuff ever I want a song with you being nice to Lala in it Over and over

I want to sample the entire stuff Being nice to Lala And then you can put that on an African drum beat. Do you understand, darling? Well, Lala's a stupid thing to say, so I don't know how I could be nice to her on a CD. That would never be the title of a song, darling. It's the dumbest title of a song I've ever heard. Stupid thing to say. So then we go over to also says no you have to cut kristen off because he's like lisa i'm sorry for being disrespectful because you're the most amazing grandmother i never had and i would also like to say i miss kristen and lisa's like darling i've told you

kristen is pain cut her off darling just like your alcoholism kristen alcoholism same plane shoot them both down watch them crash in the sea darling all right they're over both of them Cut her off, darling. Just like your alcoholism. Kristen, alcoholism. Same plane. Shoot them both down. Watch them crash in the sea, darling. All right? They're over. Both of them. Jesus.

Way to compare Kristen to alcoholism. I know. Seriously. Even though she is the walking embodiment of it. But still. Yeah. Well, I think what is so mean about comparing Kristen to alcoholism is that it really overlooks all the other terrible things that she could be compared to. It's just not

alcohol. It's drug abuse, eating disorders, paranoia. Pimples on your ass. Just terrible things in general. Possessiveness. It's like, darling, it's like chlamydia. You don't just get chlamydia and then go back to it, alright? You cut it off! So anyway,

speaking of removing things, Tom Sandoval is getting his butt tattoo removed. It's our bro story, man. Why would you get your tattoo removed, man? It's our tat story, man. It's our bro story. It was that moment that we both got it on our butts man yeah so then yeah tom shorts is very sad about this yeah and then tom's talking about how ariana told him that jacks is telling everyone that tom was mad that he couldn't talk about his band

this is exactly this is vanderpump this classic vanderpump rules i mean the gossip is now so far removed from the original source. Sheena told me that everybody's sick of you talking about your band. Are you fucking kidding me, Kristen? He was getting so mad, and it's hilarious. He's with his basic lover at this point. It's like the closest person he's with, his best friend. He's bent over a table and screaming because of the ass pain.

Just this show is too adorable. It is amazing. So they zap off. The lady doctor zaps off his tattoo, and he's squeezing these blue balls. Yeah, do you want to squeeze these blue balls? Yeah, Tom, come over here. I'm going to squeeze these blue balls yeah tom come over here i'm gonna squeeze your blue balls bro my favorite my favorite part though is the very end of the scene when like the doctor leaves and then tom schwarz goes dude you did it and tom sandoval just goes yeah

and then the scene ended another accomplishment And then the scene ended. Another accomplishment. Then we have some public domain music where this girl's going, crazy, come on, come on. And then it cuts to Kristen. I was like, oh, okay, I see what you did there. Crazy. And Kristen's like, whoa, look, look, we're sitting on the couch. Like, look, let's drink on the couch like story of my life and then stassi seriously seriously stassi i'm so good at squatting

it's like a talent like i'm so good at squatting like it was on a video one time of me squatting but lisa paid somebody to keep it off the internet what a bitch that was my resume so kristen is now i have zero experience except for kristen's house thanks kristen you're a real friend rafa kristen is very stressed during this scene i'm stressed about comedy because she's like, typically, I've done more dramatic roles. I'm like, settle down, Meryl Streep. Talking about your dramatic roles.

Look, listen to my German accent. Would you like a bread and butter? Okay, look, listen to my French accent. Would you like some bread and butter? Get it? She's like, listen to my French.

Vraiment? Vraiment? Vraiment. Listen to me say French. French. Hey, listen to my Spanish. Chilean sea bass. It's going to be really hard for me to do something comedic since my last role was out of Africa 3. Direct to DVD.

You can find it at Blockbuster. I was the one who was waiting on the other side of Africa, like, banging on the fence. I was like, let me back into Africa! You may have seen me as rental car operator number three in As Good As It Gets, but, like, I really want to flex into comedy

now. I was in Cars. Prove me wrong! I was the Volvo. I was in Spotlight. Okay, it's track riding, but still, I'm in it. I'm in it right now. Look.

I was a tree in The Revenant. So she's... It's being short. That's Tom. Back to my movie career. Seriously? Seriously? I was in this small tall.

I was in this thing called Room. I'm in it right now. I played the wardrobe. I played the girl who's letting her best friend sleep on her couch. I was also in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. I am, like, really good at wardrobes. I can't think of any dramas. This is so sad.

She is talking about going into comedy which is fucking hilarious and then they show her friend who's rachel i think is her name who is a comic and you know i hate i don't even like beating up on rachel because she's not a real cast member and i feel like she doesn't deserve scorn like the people who are regulars for some reason she sounds like an innocent stand-by that said they showed a clip of her comedy, and she's like, well, I was worried someone was robbing me, so I put a nanny cam in my house, and then now I just have hours of my boyfriend beating off.

Like, ugh. Good one. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Na-na-na-na-na-na. Whoop! Give me the hook, right? Wait, my boyfriend will beat off to it.

Never mind. Seriously, this is exactly the my boyfriend will beat off to it. Never mind. Seriously, this is exactly the sort of comedy I want to be doing. Seriously. Seriously. Like, I totally, that totally resonates with me. Do you have a copy of that video? It's showtime at the Apollo. You go to the Apollo. And she's like, by the way, Stassi, like, I saw Katie last night and she's like by the way Stassi like

I saw Katie last night and she totally looked like shit and just saying and Stassi's like look I don't even know what to do about her okay so like give me advice the end of the scene and then we go to the next two boobs Jax, Britt and

her new pair preparing for Brittany's traumatic surgery of Groupon tit insertion. So the recurring theme with Jax this episode was faux introspection. He's like, I'm just thinking about so many things. Like, you're getting arrested and this and that. I don't know. It's like, I feel like I'm spiral.

I'm like, whatever. You're just saying things because you're about. He's gearing himself. He's positioning himself because he's going to let down Brittany in some way. This is classic Jax behavior. He's gearing himself. He's positioning himself because he's going to let down Brittany in some way. This is classic Jax behavior. This faux introspection to make his flaws seem okay. I'm just a loser.

You can't be with me, babe. You deserve more. I got you tits. Yeah. I already hear that. So then the doctor comes in and he's like, so what sort of boobs do you want? She's like, I'd like a full C. And Jax is like, although, how about these instead? The doctor's like, well, those are Ds.

And Jax is like, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, you know, yeah, we'll do that. She's like, okay. Yeah, that's what I want. I'm paying for it. So I have a C too. You know, like I'm buying these. And she's like, okay, whatever.

Whatever you all put in me is good. Well, we all know D is smaller than C because it comes sooner in the alphabet. Well, E-C-X-Y-V. That girl with the D cup is getting Peter to marry her, so maybe these will work. I mean, those are the batteries you put in flashlights. Am I right? They're going to last even longer. I want Energizer titties, okay?

Because this relationship is going to be that bunny that never stops. Jax is disgusting as a human being. Brittany's an idiot. I think she's already got C's, so I don't know know what she's doing It's like putting new siding on your house That wasn't even infested with termites In the first place I just want to get some D's because that was my favorite grade I got in my papers

It's the first time my daddy didn't spank me When he got the report card in the mail Brittany is gross But she's dumb She's at least working for those tits She's fucking Jax That takes a lot And they're free boobs

She was going to get boobs anyway But they're not free Jax is getting them from some doctor at a discount When he owes everybody else money Those are going to be repoed boobs They are going to cut those back out of her When Jax doesn't pay the bills That's true too

So speaking of medical emergencies I have to say one thing before we go All the shit we're giving Jax to cut those back out of her when jacks doesn't pay the bills that's true too so speaking medical emergency i have to say one thing before we go all the shit we're giving jacks maybe he is feeling introspective because there's less self-hatred because the puffiness in his facelift has gone down jacks in those testimonial or his talking heads wow he looked just stunningly gorgeous the fillers the botox the punches in the nose the fifth nose whatever he's on i don't know what the hell happened maybe it was a cleeg light in his face i don't know whatever it was he just looked beautiful and i just have to say that that's all the man lives for is for someone i still thought there was some puff i still felt like there was puff but i'm you know well in his scenes, in his scenes, he did. Even Jax, when he's like puffy.

Oh, but he just doesn't look like the Hulk. You know, like when the Hulk is between changing from Edward Norton into the Hulk, and he's like in that weird, bizarre plastic face? That's what he's been looking like all season. But this season, I mean, he looks hideous this whole season. He looks terrible. But this one talking head, he just looks so beautiful and his skin is so smooth. I mean, just stop there.

I know what you're talking about where he just had the little mustache. Yes. And I was not a huge fan of that look. Well, the look. I just mean the face. No, no. I meant – I felt – meaning everything. All right, Jackson.

We don't agree on your face. Change it again. Try again. We'll see. We'll see. Here's something we can agree on. Here's something we can agree on. Here's something we can agree on, is that Sheena is a goddamn survivor. Okay?

She has been through tough times. And the latest setback is that my cat scratched me on the neck. You wouldn't notice, but you were drunk. The only thing Sheena has in common with a survivor is that she swallowed a lot of really gross stuff for money. I can't believe this cat would scratch me on the neck when I just fed it three days in a row. This cat. Doesn't this cat know what Lisa Vanderpump has done for him? so sheena and shay have a conversation one of the one of many conversations where shay is like i hate it when you tell me not to drink and she's like well i hate because you

drink too much and i don't want to mother you but i have to mother you because you drink too much because well i drink too much because you mother me yada yada yada you're the only one who says anything to me about it like you're the only one yeah she because she's the one who has to work to pay your bills she's the one who married you and the friends who are drunk next to you of course are not going to call you an alcoholic because they won't have someone to drink with next week you stupid fuck and then she goes on this whole oh well i just bought a sega genesis and i'm 30 years old and that's who i am and that's who i'm always gonna be that's sad dude gets not the sega part but the fact that you're jobless, doing nothing.

Designed to be an addict. You're an addict. You're at the lowest point of your life, and people are just going to accept that. No, they're not, bitch. You're going to be there alone with your fat ass doing nothing and broke. So have fun with that. And he's saying that one of the reasons why he drinks is because he feels like he constantly has to live up to her standards. Standards.

Because he doesn't have any money and she always makes him feel bad about it she's like i never said that he was like but the way you but the way you say it it makes me feel that way oh yeah everyone else's fault you're a drunk okay you don't have a job because you don't have a job you don't have money because you don't have a job yeah get the hell out of here you were so lucky this girl got her heart broken by a rich good looking person because she went for the opposite yeah and then of course she doesn't do make anything better because well obviously i didn't marry you for the money my mom always said marry for the money then for the love but i married you for the love definitely not because you're successful because you're not

well it's true it's true but it's it's like also like way to like she's on the one hand saying she's like i don't talk about how much money you don't make. And then she's like, by the way, you definitely don't have money. Not helping to get his head right about this situation. Yeah, well, his head isn't right. No one can do that but himself. I'm so sick of people saying it's someone else's fault for his idiocy. Get a goddamn job, dude.

Work at the fucking fat Sal's. It's not like you have to become a banker overnight, but do something. his fault for his idiocy get a goddamn job dude work at the fucking fat sals okay you know it's not like you have to become a banker overnight but do something you've been sitting there this whole season doing nothing but getting drunk and using her money to buy a sega genesis yeah i mean yeah it's bad and their their big dream their big life goal is to move back to asusa and have kids where then he'll become a gym teacher. Now, no disrespect to being a gym teacher. That's totally a perfectly awesome job.

But, like, it's like, dude, like, he's basically like, well, I'm not going to do anything until we move back there. And I got to become a gym teacher. He's like, you could do something else in the meantime. Yeah. I'm not, yeah, well, I'll do something when we go back to Azusa. And then I'll go to the high meantime. Yeah. I'm not. Yeah, well, do something when we go back to Azusa and then I'll go to the high school. Please.

How many times did you actually show up at that high school when you were in it? Yeah. I'm not buying that. And then so what? Sheena's supposed to give up everything. I mean, look at all she's got going for her. You know, it's a really great way to bolster your resume at Azusa High School is appearing on a national TV show getting drunk out of control every single week and using drugs. And denying you're an

alcoholic because you just get drunk on beer now instead of beer, cocaine, and five shots of tequila. Lord. I can't wait until we move back to Azusa and we can go to Boyo Campero every weekend. You know, I know it's really hard for you when we have to drive over the hill

to get to the claim jumper, so it'll be easier back in Azusa, because it's like right on our block, but still shy. I feel like once we're able to go to Qdoba Grill on a regular basis, everything will be fixed. It'll be so amazing when I don't have to call you a loser every morning. Can't wait. Once he gets a good meal from Zoo Plantation, I think we'll be on the path to success. This all started when Tom made him that egg white thing.

Broccoli ruined shay. Tom's gonna pay. So, speaking of Tom, Tom and Ariana, like, they're in their apartment and Jax comes over. And guess what? They're getting rid of yet another old couch. How many couches are on this show? I mean, they're just constantly in a state of moving couches out. And what kind of birth control do these couches use

that they don't have any STDs or babies? I know, it's like, oh my God, nothing but couches. It's like covered in like stain stopper cum. It's like just a big splooge stain stopper covering. Because those couchesches they all look fairly decent for being for having gone through what they've gone through yeah scotch guard darling i have to say also out they showed the exterior of the apartment and i think they're on the second floor but it's like of course this is a cast member of vanderpump rules they've got 20

gigantic pots on the very ledge of their balcony that are bound to just fall down and kill somebody on the sidewalk any moment i don't know why i had to point that out but it's just a fucking that's how these people think you know yeah so anyway after they after after tom and jacks moved the catch out of the way then they start talking about the band then it's like like i can't believe you're telling people that i want to talk about the band and then jack's like, I can't believe you're telling people that I want to talk about the band. And then Jack's like, that's what happened. I heard it with my own fucking ears. Doesn't he even have a full ear anymore? Isn't part of his ear like in his cheek now or something like that?

It's in his ass. He's like, I just sat on my ear and I know it's working. All right. Jack's also, when they were removing this couch, took the cushions off and took the change out of the couch and put it in his pocket. He's like, yeah, well, I'm sure most of this change is stuff I took from, you know, sir. I know that no one else carries around change, so I'll take it. Of course, he fucking stole the change. So they once again do a fight, and poor Tom Sandoval gets pushed to that point again where he's, like, cry yelling.

He's like, I'm a fucking badass friend to all my fucking friends, Jax. Yeah, Jax, I do everything for my friends, Jax, okay? And then you and, like, Sheena, and you're all trying to make me look like a bad guy. Like, I'm this asshole, and I'm not an asshole, okay, Kristen? Okay? And in Jax's head, it was like... He's trying to figure out all the things he's gonna buy

with a change in his pocket yeah he's just seeing breast implants dancing like the pink elephants he's like maybe we can upgrade to the triple D's now yeah so he Jax is saying Tom has always been cool but now he's with Ariana

and Ariana's influencing him to be an asshole really because that's what you said about Kristen Kristen's influencing him to be an asshole you know what Tom will try and make it work with anybody even Kristen and that's probably a fault of his that he'll just try and make it work no matter what with anybody but it'll probably lead to him being a fairly decent husband when he's not out cheating because you know he is so well if jack's had any brain in his body in his in his head he would realize that ariana is not making him sour ariana is making him into a connoisseur of sketch comedy okay so jack's just needs to be quiet ariana as someone who has studied sketch comedy for 10 years can deal with her own relationship okay thank you very much, person who just got tits

donated for his hooter waitress girlfriend. Yeah. How about you go to UCB for 10 years, Jax, and then you can talk about who does what to what relationship. Oh, God. I don't even think it's UCB, darling. I think it's like the ha-ha. Who knows what it is? It's probably the DMV.

They go from talking about sketch comedy to standup comedy. Those are two different things. I'm not sure what they're talking about. Cause Kristen is talking about standup, but then now they're talking about sketch. So it's all over the place. So then over at Sir, Oh,

Lala, Lawler. Now I want to be nice to Lawler, but she, this woman needs a stylist, this poor girl. Okay. She looked like a day player

from Silk Stockings in 1996. Oh, I loved that show. Maybe that's why I liked it. I was like, I love your hair, Lala. She looked, she made herself look so old. I mean, she had this like, her hair was all, I don't know, it was everything to me. I was like, this is too much. Too much.

Too much look for her. Hi, Peter. Oh, hey, who's that it's lala big news lala i started laughing at that she said it's lala do i sound different do i sound more educated because i'm reading books now i've taken up reading books i've taken up reading books yeah i love it i'm reading one called the fountainhead It's about architecture and architects. Is that Ayn Rand? Of course.

Lala will get through The Fountainhead thinking it was about an architect. God bless her heart, darling. She's like, when do they go down on each other in the fountain? Look, this is the first book I've read with a man who has a job in it. So, like, I'm really excited about the future of people. Like, is that a normal thing among men? It's really making me appreciate socialism. That's what it's about, right?

She will never get that. That's what's hilarious. She's just going to be like, well, it's an architect who likes sharing. It's about, wait, so you say it's about capitalism well that's weird because not like i didn't see a lot of capital letters in it so maybe you should rethink that yeah like only the beginning of every sentence had a capital letter so like i don't know follow your own message book books are stupid now i hate books. I'd love to see Lala's Book Club. She is so cute.

Oh, my God. What would be in Lala's Book Club? They're Ozra watching God. It's like I tried reading a book, but then every time I turned a page, all these people would pop out of it, and they almost hit me in the face. And I was like, what the hell kind of book punches its readers? It's a pop-up book. It's a pop-up book.

Oh, is this like a restaurant that pops up? oh my god i love pop-ups i went to this great pop-up it was basically had paddington bear on it and then you open it up and pen and bear just like pops up and then makes dinner for you except like you make the dinner i just got harry potter it's so heavy um and it's like a pot you know because pots are heavy and you know what potters do they pop plants but this one's really hairy but i think he finds love anyway i cannot wait to read it like never never never it's gonna happen donning i just picked up this book called brothers kamazov and i'm really excited about it because i love brothers so like i can't wait looks like it'll be an easy read i hope their phone number's at the end.

I'm going to read The Metamorphosis, because I feel like I'm going to a metamorphosis, and I feel like this book is really going to help me see that. I feel like these words are just too big for Ishmael. Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. Like the brother curve. I'm sorry, everyone. Yeah, she's going to be like, no, no.

What? Brothers? I read the book Ishmael. It was like a conversation with a gorilla. Like, who does that? Who does that? I'm reading the book Ishmael. It was like a conversation with a gorilla. Like, who does that? Who does that? I'm reading a book by a king, okay? It's really scary.

It's about this car who comes to life and kills people. And I'm like, oh my god, kings have so many weird things happen to them. I'm so glad we don't leave an ink in Britons. I'm going to read Heart of Darkness because I'm really excited to see what a book about Sir is. Heart of Darkness. Oh, Lala. I'm so glad she found reading. It's going to change her life.

May I suggest Sidney Sheldon? Because those are all about beautiful sluts who end up becoming smart and screw over all the guys who made them feel like shit for all their lives. Lala, take a hint. It's not even a hint. It's an actual suggestion. If anybody out there knows Lala, Sidney Sheldon, it'll change your life. Look at what it did for Nicolette Sheridan.

Good for you, Lala. Even mentioning a book on this show deserves a trophy. Yes, ma'am. I love it. So anyway, Lala and Peter are talking and the big news is that James got into a fight with Richardson, a bit pump. Listen here, Richardson. I am James.

I am the producer of the Pump CD. I pour waters in glasses. What do you do? Nothing. Who knows your name? No one. You are nothing. You are the ground I walk on.

Get on the ground, Richardson, you basic bitch. You have a last name for a first name, you basic bitch. you basic bitch you have a last name for a first name you basic bitch so then Lisa Vanderpump I believe comes in and she's like oh I heard about that stupid stupid

boy stupid boy the fight was because Kristen came in when James was working and James was wasted and Kristen was wasted and so they both started screaming at each other in the middle of the restaurant and James was wasted and Kristen was wasted. And so they both started screaming at each other in the middle of the restaurant. And Richardson was like,

guys, you're in the middle of the restaurant. Could you keep it down? And he was like, listen here, Richardson. And then that's what happened. I'm the producer of the Pump CD. Basic bitch. Would you like to wipe down the counters with... Oh, say it again.

I didn't hear you. I said, your name should be Bitchinson, as in basic bitchinson. You are a basic bitchinson, Richardson. Oh my God, that's a, I didn't hear you I said, your name should be Bitchitson As in basic Bitchitson You are a basic Bitchitson, Richardson Oh my god, that's a song, isn't it? You see, it never stops flowing from my head, Richardson I am the white Fucking Kanye West, Richardson

And you are just The black me You're the black wannabe me, Richardson Richardson Gorge, and I love that you're the black wannabe me Richardson Richardson Gorge and I love that release is like Richardson is my right hand man no one messes with the Richardson

I actually know Richardson and he's actually very I don't know him very well at all but he's a perfectly lovely guy and it's sort of funny seeing him get dragged into this mess because he actually works yeah he does exactly he's like there to work he's like oh please don't make me talk about this

you will Richardson you will talk about it where on the doll did James insult you everywhere I touch everywhere on the doll tell this cabbage patcher what James said to you.

You are a basic bitch. Oh, this cabbage. I've never seen a doll cry. Look at it. Look at what you did to my cabbage patch doll, Wanda Willer-James. All right, Richardson, now we're going to get serious. Où se le dalle? Est-ce que James te toucher?

He's like oh Stop speaking your secret language around me That's not fair Oh Richardson Oh Richardson You know how much I've done for him Richardson He's like oh yes Lisa Ah secret

This is not fair But anyway So we then go to Jax. So Jax has, so Brittany got her boobs done. And now Jax is taking care of her. And, you know, he's, I think, oh, I think Tom came up. Tom and Katie came over to visit, to say hi. And Jax is, they're talking about how her boobs are sore,

and Jax is like, yeah, can't wait to put my face in them. Just, I don't know, it's just so, like... He's so disgusting. So disgusting. He already put his face all over them before they were put in, in the doctor's office. Remember, he's putting his face all over those implants? Like, someone's going to have Jax's waxy-ass implant,

you know, imprint on their implant yeah jack's imprint on implant tongue twister um also he's like this is gross like i guess i'm gonna have to help her peen like poop and then she's sitting on the toilet i'm like you started shitting in front of her like day one so i think you guys are past it if she has to sit there and watch you shit every day you can do it with her too okay it's called fair yeah exactly exactly turn about his fair play darling and then they suggest that katie get boobs too to make tom happier this these guys so classy she's like don't even think about it i know exactly why would i do something that makes him want to fuck me more so speaking of of Katie, then Katie and Tom, they're having – they're going to do their engagement photos on the beach and then they have like a beach party afterwards.

So they go and Katie wants to do a Sandlot-inspired photo shoot. I don't understand that for an engagement party. Like I don't understand – like not party, photos. Like the photos were all like Tom writhing around in the ocean and katie like kissing him and i'm like this this is a terrible idea for engagement photos like what about like that being sweet that photo of her giving him mouth to mouth while he's drowning on the beach i was like there is no more fitting of a picture that you two could have taken this will represent the rest of your life he's just a flailing idiot and you continue to save him even though he keeps drowning himself yeah you know you're right never

mind it's a totally appropriate engagement photo but the sandlot it's a kid's movie god katie god bless her little heart god bless you katie meanwhile so back over at pump lisa richardson and james are having their confrontation, as we already started to talk about. And you know that Lisa is serious because she's wearing a pink tie. She's like, alright, I've got my firing accessory on. Let's do this.

Listen, Richardson, I know exactly what James is going to do. He's going to come on here and say he's sorry and then he's going to cry and then he's going to sob, then he's going to mention his mother, and then he's going to mention Kristen in some way, and then he's going to come on here and say he's sorry and then he's gonna cry and then he's gonna solve then he's gonna mention his mother and then he's gonna mention kristin in some way and then he's gonna cry some more and then he's gonna try and make you hug him and richardson's like uh i've never ever seen this side of james so bring it on yeah so sure enough james is like well it was because

kristin was here and i was trying trying to work. And then Kristen came in. And what am I supposed to do? Kristen showed up. Kristen. And apparently he was texting her that too, like nonstop. He's like, I am so sorry. But Kristen showed up. Kristen showed up.

So then James, ultimately he said to Richardson, you're not talented. You're nothing. You're beneath me. I'm above you. I'm James Kennedy. Oh, God. Lisa, this was so good. And Lisa's like, what is it with you and Kristen? You're like a magnet.

You're like an idiot magnet. You're like anything terrible. It just keeps coming and washing over my restaurant because of you. I will not have it. You need to. And then he starts crying, which is exact, because she's like, you can't be here. And he starts crying. He's like, Lisa, what could I do then, Lisa?

Please, Lisa. What about the album? She goes, well, it's such a minuscule part of this entire thing. here and he starts crying he's like lisa what could i do then lisa please lisa uh what about the album she goes well it's such a minuscule part of this entire it's minuscule to you maybe but it's my entire life what i'm trying to say well maybe let me talk then that's exactly what i'm talking about you little asshole get out he literally says you know because she's saying how um he's like, I swear I won't be erratic anymore without alcohol in my system. I'll be good. I'll be good, Lisa. I had a revelation

last night that, you know, if I don't drink, I won't be erratic. I had a revelation. And she's like, a revelation that came at my expense. And then he goes, can I finish what I'm saying or no? It's like, oh. Darling, Revelations is the book in the Bible where we find out Tamara

Barney is really Satan. How would you bring that up today? But of course, Lisa, you know, she can't, as much as she wants to say that she won't be fooled by the crime, she's like, I think we need to have a permanent departure. She's basically like, you're fired.

Anyway, alright, you're hired basically like you're fired anyway alright you're hired again you're gonna be a busser you're gonna be a bus boy and James is like what do you want me to do during the week now I have nothing to do

oh poor James poor James nothing to do well you know do what Lala does and you know pick up things with words written in them

or whatever darling but Lisa did my favorite two things in here one is her new thing where she's trying to be the sensitive Lisaisa which she just did in the episode of beverly hills with eileen she's like oh i understand james i understand that you're upset and i understand that you're sad so let this just be a lesson to you darling now you're just a bus boy and every time you pass an empty glass I want you to look at it

and just tell yourself that glass is full, alright? Like turns him into the worst busboy ever. You never want to give him too positive an attitude, darling. I also just love this notion that James has been like knocked down off the mountain

as if he had come so far, he had risen to such heights from being a bus boy he went from being a bus boy to a bus boy slash dj okay so just calm down who will sell cds in front of the pizza oven lisa i don't care and richardson just sitting there laughing his ass off was hilarious he just looked like he was watching it on the tv screen his mouth was huge and smiley it's like this is amazing thank you so much for this this is the only break i've ever taken since i started working here it was so fun actually which is like while you guys weren't looking i've actually waited on five tables i'm back now it's like okay yeah the whole time he's like no i, I actually just took my lunch.

I finished doing the books and redesigned the porn shop into a pump add-on. So anything else? Just refilled the dirt in all the giant planters. Darling, this is why you're too good for television. Clear him. Clear. Clear. Beach wallah.

So then over at the beach, everyone's beach blanket bingo is going on. So they're talking about Kristen. And someone mentions the fact that Kristen did a comedy show the night before. And I love Tom's response. Tom's like, wait, so Kristen did a comedy show? Like, it's like, it just baffles him to the nth degree. Because, I mean, it baffled all of

us the idea when we all learned that kristen was doing comedy i think we all were like it's like when the theory of evolution was introduced into the world everyone you're like what what how could that happen people in kansas still refuse to believe that kristen's doing comedy it's like well you can do whatever you want but we're not teaching kristen comedy to our children she's like okay my setup is my joke is get it so here's the thing okay it's really laughable not no pun intended it's really laughable that kristen is doing comedy okay and that can just stand on its own. But then Ariana has to go make a

sort of side with Kristen, because Ariana's like, I mean, if you're going to do sketch comedy, shouldn't you take a class or something? It's like, oh. I mean, Kristen is a comedy, but she's not funny. Like, she's funny, like, to watch because she's pathetic, but she's not

funny. Ha ha. Okay. I take sketch very seriously like she's funny like to watch because she's pathetic but she's not funny haha okay i take very seriously because it offends me when people just try and do it i mean i've been in comedy for 10 years is there anything more pretentious than saying i take sketch comedy very seriously okay lala's reading the fountainhead okay sketch comedy being serious no yeah now that you need to watch a lot more because that shit's funny oh she said kristen's a joke but she doesn't make jokes okay where's yours have you ever made one if anyone's gonna be an expert on sketch it's going to be kristen no kidding she because that's one sketchy bitch she's got it in her soul yeah i take comedy sketch comedy very seriously that was so good and then she starts dissing the other people because katie's like look i get it like you're hateful now and

hate everybody the world sucks because now you're a teenager and like as your mom i get it but like you didn't even see the comedy show and ariana's like so she tried to be me oh she's she's an ass and katie was telling her look your attitude is off the charts i've been trying to be sensitive so far and ariana goes well i've been pretending to have fun around you guys for a long time now so and then of course she's, Sheena's like, yeah, Sheena's like, well, well, so much for me. I just wanted to be your friend. Yeah, I took her to a lingerie store. It was hard.

I would have just gone to the lingerie store with Katie and, like, we could have shared the third champagne with, like, a paper straw ourselves. Like, we wasted an ironic straw on Ariana. I can't believe she would pretend to be my friend when I was trying to pretend to be her friend. Oh my God, I should do sketch comedy. Now that would be good. Sheena just playing different characters in life. Look what I can do. Look what I can do.

Look what I can do. Look at me. This is my President Obama. I'm the President. Okay, now, okay. Here is my President Obama. I'm the President. Okay. Now, okay. Here's my next one. I'm Vladimir Putin.

Don't you like that? I can't believe everyone's laughing at my political humor. I can't believe it's not better. Get it? Yes. And? So James shows up. Oh, Lala said earlier in the scene, because L James shows up. Oh, Lala said earlier in the scene, because Lala showed up, and I have to, Lala is trying, you know, God bless her heart.

These girls are nothing but bitches to her, and she keeps trying. She showed up with a bikini with a ruffle over the boob. I mean, if that doesn't say making an effort to make friends with the old crows in the back. Yeah. Well, you know, she's been inspired by Fountainhead. She's taking a capitalistic approach to this, which is that she's going to earn her way into the group. She's like, I think this is what an architeacht would wear. She says, I don't know what it is with the guys at SUR, but it seems like they have to be in a committed relationship with somebody so that they can go cheat on them.

I'm like, hi, welcome to los angeles did you just arrive i'm just learning so much from anne rand but i kept wondering when are the vampires gonna show up it's rice oh that's what they do with literature now they're like pride and prejudice with zombies it's true so anyway james shows up with a girl and Lala pretty much has the correct read on it. She's like, well, James brings the girl

because he knows it's going to make me jealous and he's going to hope that I kiss him because I'm jealous and then he's going to use that to make Kristen jealous and win Kristen back.

I was like, that's true and the sad part is that that's oddly almost Shakespearean. Every Shakespearean comedy, oh my god, this show is more

literate than I ever expected Lala is actually smarter than I guess anybody gives her credit for oh yeah no she is I mean the girl may not read books but she can still she's pretty intelligent when it comes to the emotional stuff and by the way I didn't watch it but she was on watch what happens last night so you know I mean Andy Andy's Andy ofy cohen of course is very smart and he knows like as much as she was a jackass last time he's like bring her back on just not with james you know yeah exactly um i like when she said oh james there he is i kiss men with jobs okay but kristen will still fuck him so true and true true and then james is on his apology tour he's like look i want everyone to know I was fired from Sir.

It's because I did stupid things. It's not because Kristen came in and baited me and acted like a drunk idiot. All right. I did it to myself and I'm sorry. And that's it. I feel like an idiot. That's it. And then he starts making out with this dumb girl no one's ever seen and is kissing his shoulders.

Like, that don't taste like bone. And just trying to get on tv and then uh kristen's like oh of course james is here with some new girl because now we're all supposed to be jealous and then like whatever go on craigslist and get your local high school girl yeah and then um jacks of course jacks does his favorite thing in the world which is gossip so he goes and he tells kristen because because Kristen's there with Rachel, the comedian. And he's like, he tells Kristen what Ariana said about the sketch comedy and how she's a snobbery. So this really, this pisses off Kristen.

So she marches right off to Ariana. And they have a sketch comedy pissing match. And she's like, what is sketch comedy? She's like, I killed the game last night and I wrote one of the sketches. I killed the game. I can't believe this is happening. And yet at the same time, this is so LA right now. This fight is so incredibly Los Angeles.

I totally killed the game. That was hilarious. And then when she was saying, she's like, in therapy, I've learned not to be so confrontational. But getting in Ariana's face right now will be therapeutic. So I'm doing it, okay? Yeah, exactly. And then Ariana's like, well, I don't think that Rachel's jokes are very original. And I don't think they're, like, very funny.

And I take sketch comedy very seriously. And then Kristen's like, this is why no one likes you, because you're sour. I'm friends with every fucking person here. Yeah, and Tom's like, yeah. Oh, yeah, because Tom goes, what's your score on friends lately, Kristen? She's like, yeah, actually, I'm friends with everyone here, okay? And he's like, yeah, but because you had to go on an apology tour because you're a crazy bitch. And she's like, yeah, well, at least I own it, okay?

I own it. And then Kristen, as she walks away she goes you're a beep which i'm assuming was comp fitness or oh sorry cut fitness and uh i didn't do that on purpose i swear you're sometimes you know vanderpump rules you know what's funny is that kristen stormed off but rachel stayed back and i wonder what the conversation was that rachel was she's just like i'm so sorry guys my jokes aren't good i know i'm sorry i should never brought her into the comedy world it's terrible well hopefully because she had that pouty look on her face so i'm hoping she just sat there and made ariana uncomfortable until ariana said she was fucking sorry how rude yeah um i was just assuming she was gonna wait for an apology

because i think ariana is really the thing that's really bringing out her cut fitness is Kristen. She cannot handle that Kristen is still allowed to be on this show when she took her man and her job. And she's like, wait, I didn't take her TV job too? What the hell? Like, this isn't winning if she's still on TV. Sorry, bitch. Mm-hmm. So now it's sunset.

Oh, Jax. And by the way, I just want to say, it's absolutely beautifully shot. The lighting was wonderful during this scene. Yeah, thanks, God. Yeah. Thanks for that lighting. Well done.

Seriously? Seriously. He's like, I do it every day. I don't even want to open another sunset because I just can't stand around another sunset all day. Okay? This sunset's a basic bitch. Now, can I clear your plates?

Where's the moon already? I can't believe the sun would be so beautiful when it's not even my wedding. Stop setting the sun. It's rude. I've done so many things for you, son you're sitting on me i can't believe it oh yeah i forgot to mention that lisa said that to james in their meeting don't you know all the things ken and i have done for you i just have to mention that because she does it every time so it's sunset and uh jacks does this weird i'm guessing that he switched to marijuana for the

day i don't know what he's doing but suddenly he's like feeling things so he's either coming down from his crystal or he's just drunk just plain drunk because he starts his well he's talking to peter who looks totally confused he won't stop talking so frizzy yes mom hair's blowing in the sunset wind and jack's is just motor mouthing you know which is you know like kind of coke heady and then he's suddenly like feeling all these things so peter's not buying it peter's like dude you're losing it on camera right now and jack's like who you know who does that like i went to hawaii and i stole from a store like there's something wrong with me you

know like that's gross he's like taking seashells from the sea and putting in his pocket i know there's some clam that's like hey that's my sister jack's just like at my age i shouldn't be getting i shouldn't be getting arrested i'm like well when is a good age for doing that am i too old to change no you're just on way too many drugs okay he is on the verge of doing something terrible that's what this all means because he is set he's he's he's starting to this is basically his way of gathering sympathy because he's about to do something absolutely terrible it's like when the sea recedes before tidal wave oh i can't wait i was wondering what his deal was i'm glad you pointed that out i can't wait to see what it is because he doesn't care all this and this it's well the thing is this in some ways jacks is incredibly savvy and i think he's pretty aware of how he is being portrayed in certain ways

and i think he's just trying to trying to make himself be sympathetic he's a sociopath and he's using emotional pleas to people that he knows has emotions to try and make them think that he does for whatever reason but no one does jacks okay we all know you don't it's fine be a proud sociopath it's fine you know you were probably born like that yeah well but he is ridiculous and well i'm sure he's already been cheating that guy has not been not cheating on anybody ever he would fuck anything he possibly could but he did have another moment where he's like i think that i do all this stuff like i'm really mean to people and i push them away because like i need them to just talk about me so like if they're not like talking about me i need to like i don't know steal or like cheat or do something just a little talk about me and peter's like yeah bro well it's not bad when people don't talk about

you i mean look at me no one talks about me and i'm getting married so works for me yeah i'm on tv five minutes a week but i've still got like i make more money than you and i've got a job i own a suit i'm gonna have a wife with these so and jax just stays quiet and then they cut to tom on the beach twirling his hair looking off into space quietly stealing things from from peter's towel he's stealing peter's mom hair yeah he's gotta get right off of him another highly episode highly entertaining episode of oh man i'm really looking forward to lala's book report and all sorts of other crazy shenanigans next week. Yeah, it was all good today. All the shows were good.

So thanks, Bravs. Thanks for ruining lives in the most entertaining way possible. I need to stop talking for a while, obviously. So I think it's time to go. You guys, thanks so much for listening to the Watch What Crappens podcast. You can find us at watchwhatcrappens.com, facebook.com slash watchwhatcrappens, or patreon.com slash

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You're a Stupid Thing to Say. This is the ringtone version, so if you're a subscriber, come on over and get it it's posted now love you guys bye hey prime members you can listen to watch what happens ad free on amazon music download the amazon music app today or you can listen ad-free with Wondery Plus in Apple Podcasts.

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