Watch What Crappens - #271: Brandon, Craig, and The Three Am-Egos

Episode Date: March 2, 2016

***This was re-uploaded at 11 PM PST on Tuesday to correct sound issues during the RHONY segment. Sorry! Timestamps below! We’re joined by the adorable Craig Ramsay (@CraigRamsayFit) and Brandon Liberati (@brandonliberati) of Newlyweds: the First Year and @FitAndPhab (http://bit.ly/FitPhabYouTube) for an hour of laughs and relationship talk. Don’t worry, we also fit in talk of the RHONY Preview and Vanderpump Rules! Enjoy! Crappens Mailbag: WWHL: Looks Like/Smells Like 20:59:07 RHONY Preview 29:10:13 INTERVIEW! Craig Ramsay (@CraigRamsayFit) and Brandon Liberati (@brandonliberati) of Newlyweds: the First Year and @FitAndPhab (http://bit.ly/FitPhabYouTube) 1:23:10 Clear the Flem: Rebounding Edition 1:25:15 Vanderpump Rules: Tequila Katie, Drunk Queen babysitters, no one has real tear ducts anymore. ------------------- Subscribe at http://www.patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens for bonus episodes, ringtones, and live group video chat parties. For all our other links and extras, go to http://www.watchwhatcrappens.com ---------------------- Ronnie on the Web: http://www.trashtalktv.com Ronnie on YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/trashtalkteevee Ronnie on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/trashtalktv Ronnie on Tumblr: http://trashtalktvrecaps.tumblr.com/ Ben on the Web: http://www.bsideblog.com Ben on Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/bsideblog Ben on Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/bsideblog Our Soundcloud: https://soundcloud.com/watch-what-crappens On iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/watch-what-crappens/id498130432?mt=2 Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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That's what Shaw's Vanderpump Rules. Come gather round and make fun of his rules. The podcast of Bravo. nothing runs with Bravo. But that's okay, we only care about Bravo. Watch what crap is. Watch what crap is. Who cares what happens when there's so much that crap is? What happens?

What happens? Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap. Watch what crap is. Hello, welcome to Watch What Crappens, the podcast about all that crap we love to talk about on the old bravs. I'm Ronnie Karam from Trash Talk TV, and as usual, I'm here with the gorgeous, talented... You can see the soul in those eyes when you look in there, Ben. The windowed-souled Ben Mandelker. Just because you can see the soul doesn't mean you're seeing anything good it's a delicious stormy soul um ben is uh on the banter blender podcast and he's also at b-side blog.com if you want to read all his game board reviews

that shit is hilarious and i love how that is catching on. You're like, hey guys, it's a board game review. Don't you dare turn me into Sheena, okay? When I play my board games, I don't turn into Sheena. Although, I did have a dream last night, a very vivid dream, that I was hanging out with the cast of Vanderpump Rules, and it was not just a part of a dream. You know how a dream, it's going, it's going,

and then all of a sudden it changes, and it's like a scene change and it's like a whole different scenario it was like the scenario kept on changing but it was always with the Vanderpump Rules kids like at one point it was like Jax was getting ready to go on a big date with Sheena and I was like watching like them get like talk about getting ready and stuff another point there was something going on with James I don't remember what it was but like I was talking to James about something and then at another point I went to Applebee's and I went to and I encountered Ken Todd going there secretly with Taylor Armstrong he was having

an affair with Taylor Armstrong and he brought her to Applebee's oh my god your dreams are so good it was a great oh it was like the best episode of Vanderpump Rules ever and then all of a sudden Lisa was next to me and I was like I was like your husband is there with with Taylor Armstrong and then she's like oh yes yes yes no they're just friends i was like are you sure it was so bizarre my dreams i have the my recurring dream is i'm lost like i go somewhere

and then i just can't find my way out and time is running out and i'm i'm just lost i've been in mexico lost in a hotel and i can't find my family i've been i've just lost and i know that that's such an obvious fucking dream i think yours might mean that you need to get checked for some stds i think that's what i think that's what it is i'd rather be lost but either way thank you for um mentioning the board game reviews on my blog because uh it's it's really fun writing about them and uh you know carving out a new audience that is interested in that kind of stuff and i appreciate everyone who is patient when i post a link to the board game reviews on the facebook page because i know it has nothing to do with bravo so thank you well you know our our listeners are really good at just

liking only what they like and i love it like something will get 500 likes and then something will get three likes i'm like okay snapple snapple crapples um yeah no one we're not a show where you have to worry about your opinion being heard okay for all of those who have them we talk shit all day please feel free to and if you want to do that over at facebook.com slash watch what crappens where all the um we have a huge community there of listeners who just talk all week and it is hilarious you guys are posting great links there and there are live show threads that go up the night of the shows that we cover so if you want to talk live with people that's where to do it go to patreon.com slash watch what crappens to become a premium subscriber there's all like mark and jay yeah there's all

sorts of extras this week are some new real housewives of beverly hills gif emojis and um i will also be posting those on facebook for everybody there's going to be a whole free package of gif emojis going up today so go over there and get them all the ringtones are up um we'll play this week's new ringtone on Thursday. But that's it. Come to watch what crappens.com for our personal links. And we will get on with the damn show now because we've got a huge one today. We should mention very quickly also that we just recorded a very vivacious bonus episode where we really got into it about the Oscars and OJ. Yes.

If you don't like talking political race issues, sorry, because it was OJ and the Oscars this week. And we had fun with it. So that's up. Go check that out. And thanks to everybody who's a premium subscriber. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Really, thank you. Yeah. So today we have a humongoloid show. We are going to talk Vanderpump Rules, but we're also going to get to speak with, are your feet cold? My feet are cold. Are yours? My feet are cold. Brandon and Craig from Newlyweds.

Yeah, they're coming on the show that we will be hearing from them shortly. The gals. So they're coming on. So before we get into that, why don't we get into our lovely Krappen's Mailbag, man? The weekend. The weekend over there. Ending that song. We are getting more and more questions in the Krappen's Mailbag, which is very cool.

I didn't even vet these. We'll just choose them at random so Sammy Suleiman asks is there anyone that you don't have slash are unable to do an impression of but wish you could failing that who's your least and most favorite to do well I think the iconic one for that would be Candy Burris

the reason why the Candy Burris impersonation is so bonkers is because her voice is so bonkers that, see, no, really, is because her voice is so difficult to do because it goes from high pitch to low grumbling within like a nanosecond. So that has been like the white whale. I've been chasing it, trying to do it,

and after all these years, I still can't do it. Well, stop chasing it because at the end the whale wins. I saw Moby Dick the opera so spoiler alert everybody dies except the fat guy. Here's an example of Candy's voice. If I say something about you, Nanny's like oh, she just, you know what I mean?

It's like you can't like it's like an orchestra. It's like like an orchestra it's like a voice orchestra years of smoking has taken my high register so i've only got the low one i've only got like the fat albert growl part and then ben comes in and squeaks to make it all okay i think my my personal favorite impersonation to do is ramona because i think it's the only reliable impersonation I can do that people like. You know, all the others are like fine. But Ramona is the one that I feel like that's the one thing that I can truly do. No, you have a lot of them.

Your Ramona, though, is spectacular. I'm sorry. It's just the one that I can do. Yeah, that's definitely my favorite of yours. The ones I can't do, all of them. I cannot do anybody correctly. And that bothers me because I'm not really an imprisonator. I just make up new voices that are all the same five voices

that I use over and over again. So I kind of wish I could do all of them. And my favorite one to do, it's a cross between Carol, who I sound nothing like. And I really like doing Candy's mom. That is wrong, Candy. And also, but my favorite, obviously, is Lisa Vanderpump. Darling. And also, but my favorite, obviously, is Lisa Vanderpump.

Darling! Mostly because I can steal my AbFab lines and just move them into whatever Lisa Vanderpump is saying that day. So I really don't do her that well either. But it's my favorite one. I also have to say, I do really enjoy doing some Shannon Bedore. Because that's really easy. David, David, David, David. Why do you like doing my horse?

David, David. Yeah, that girl is a mess that can never be cleaned up. It's like a constantly messing mess. And I love it. And Kristen from Vanderpump Rules is fun because anyone can do it. You just go, seriously? Seriously? Did you read Debra Messing? I said messing, and I didn't do it on purpose.

Oh, yeah, she got into a big fight with Lisa Vanderpump. Lolz. That shit was hilarious. People, yeah, she got into a big fight with Lisa Vanderpump. Lulz. That shit was hilarious. People on Twitter, stop being so serious, okay? The world will still turn. Debra Messing went on Watch What Happens and was giving her opinions about everybody. She said something about Lisa Vanderpump being a liar. Oh, my God.

Twitter went crazy. Lisa Vanderpump was like, someone someone said what did you mean by that when did she lie and lisa vanderpump said uh no the twitter person said when did she lie this is slander and then lisa tweeted yes that's exactly what i would call it slander that's the word which of course because she's like the biggest victim on earth. So she's always talking about how she's been victimized. So she's like, have you slandered me? I'm missing. And then it just became this huge Twitter thing.

And I was dying laughing. So thank you to Cici on the Cici, Cindy Cici on the Case Case, for tweeting us all this stuff. Because otherwise, how would I know? We wouldn't know. Catherine asks, if you could clear one person or have Pauline do it, who would it be? I don't, you know, I'm having a hard time remembering who I'm feeling rageful towards these days.

You know, I think after Brandy Glanville left, I sort of have a void. I feel like probably there's someone on Shaw's at sunset that could probably be cleared out. Yeah, Brandy getting fired was definitely one of those Christmases where you just got exactly what you asked for, and then so the next Christmas you're like,

I'm going to be nice to my parents and just not ask for anything this year and see what they get me. Oh, I have one. I would clear Teresa Giudice. I know people love her. I can't stand her, and I can't the way that bravo fawns all over her you know and again treats her like like some poor victim who is sent off you know like nelson mandela in a cell in south africa when she defrauded she and her husband both defrauded people like i'm sick of it like give me give me like the old edit of theresa you know when you're like talking like when you're portraying how like

like self not self-interested but like how obnoxious she is like season three uh Teresa versus Melissa Gorga not that Melissa Gorga is a saint but like give me that Teresa that's entertaining but don't give me the sad music of like I just want to be there for the kids like oh my god you know I just messed up I forgot to do the paperwork don't give me that one i don't like it well i would agree with you except we saw what happened when new people were brought onto that show and it was those twins and that stupid amber betch so let's clear amber we can clear amber and the twin well just they've already been cleared but yeah let's just clear that whole season and bring in new people. Yeah, clear that entire season. Oh, you know what? While we're on Jersey, because I think Jersey's coming back soon,

I want to clear Jacqueline once and for all. Get rid of her. I'm not going to sit there watching her sob while she hands her autistic son an iPad. I will not do it this year, okay? I will fast forward through whatever bullshit scene she's in. And I know she's in this season again. I'd also clear Lauren Manzo and all her egg salad. Clear her.

You could probably clear the brothers too. You could probably clear the whole Manzo. I like the brothers, I have to say. I like the Manzo brothers and the dad. And maybe for like 10 minutes, I've liked Caroline. I like all of them. You know what?

I even kind of like Lauren. Isn't that fucked up? Yeah, I actually like Caroline Manzo. And I like her. But it's like they're a little bit too to like lauren isn't that fucked up yeah i mean i like i actually like caroline manzo and i i like her but it's like they're a little bit too in love with their own shit you know like i know that caroline's just talking at the wall she's just talking but i know at night she's crying because her husband ain't coming home he's like staying in his fuck pad above the restaurant i like vintage caroline the most but i still think clear everyone Clear, maybe you can keep Rosie

But clear all of New Jersey Darling, just clear Jersey Take Chris Christie while you're with you While you're doing it Keep Kim D though We need to have Posh Posh is our frame of reference We always keep Posh

So keep Kim D, but everyone else Clear New Jersey keep Posh, so keep Kim D, but everyone else, Claire, Claire, New Jersey. JC Poshy. Okay. Okay, what's next? Oh, goodness. Oh, Oliver Haskins asks,

which spelling do you prefer? P-O-R-S-H-A, as in Portia Williams, or P-O-R-T-I-A, as in Portia Williams or P-O-R-T-I-A as in Portia Richards or whatever Kyle's last, whatever. Well, isn't that fitting? Because today we're going to be talking about Portia. I mean, today we're going to be talking about Shakespeare. Yeah.

I was going to say, because Portia, Kyle's daughter Portia is, that's the Shakespearean spelling. And Portia, Portia Williams, that's the Shakespearean spelling. And Porsche Williams, that's the car. At least her sister wasn't named Corvette. I was going to say where's the Ford? Okay, but there are

a lot of Fords. Okay, where's the Hyundai? Where's the Hyundai child of the house? That will be Eileen's next child. Eileen's next child will be the Kia, for sure. Yeah. I prefer with a TIA

if push came to shove. I do too, because Porsche's just a really stupid person, and as much as I like her, I would never want to give my child that numerology so if i you know if i ever if there's ever a baby left on my doorstep it's definitely getting the um shakespeare spelling or maybe i'll just totally change it up i'll just name it like p-o-r-c-h-a like porch like a porch like because i love a porch. Or just name your child Pork Chop. Pork Chop.

Pork Chop. People have called me that. You can't say things like that to a fat person, Ben. Don't you know I have weight issues? And this, you have just victimized me. Emily Laird asks a question. We get variations on this question a lot, but it's always good to revisit it. What Housewives of any franchise from seasons past would you bring back to the show and why, if any?

I think – you know, it's so funny. I thought of a good answer to this the other day and now I've forgotten it. But I think Alexis Bellino I'd like to see come back. She is from that brand of righteous stupidity that is just so entertaining to watch. Yes, I love a righteous hypocrite. Yeah. And I also loved her husband just being more and more awful every season.

I mean, between her maxi dresses that she was selling, Alexis Couture, and between her news gigs, she really was comic gold, even if she was absolutely awful. I would actually bring back, I would let you guys pick. Well, Ben.

Ben's always the decider. Like the one who breaks the vote. You know what I mean? Like if we're tied. I always defer to my daddy. So, Ben, I will let you choose. I'm going to pick two DC people. I want the crazy bitch, Catherine.

Kat O'Manny. She's crazy. You can put her in any city and she'll just be mean and crazy to people and I'll love it. Yes. And Mikhail Salahi. I mean, what a stupid woman.

And I cannot believe we haven't seen her life after that film. It's been amazing. It's gotten crazier and crazier and crazier. It just gets crazier. If I had to choose between the two i would do catamani um but they both are totally worth coming back i think other people that should be coming back i think our own favorite leah black should come back to something

i think um i think um who oh claudia jordan i loved claudia and uh i would i would like to I think Claudia Jordan I loved Claudia and I would like to see her back in the proper context I don't have hate for her but I don't need her back either she was fine I miss me some Lynn Curtin and we could know what's going on

with her children and porn and all that stuff now I mean that's really good you're out sucking dick on camera while your mom's home glue gunning together purses i mean come on that's a story come on orange county taylor armstrong i mean she's nothing but gold yeah she's the sloppiest gold she's that that gold that hasn't hardened yet she's still in a big pot of melted gold just wobbly melted nonsensical gold darling kelly ben simbly, melted, nonsensical gold, darling. Kelly Ben Simone, the queen of nonsensical gold. I think there actually are so many people

I would love to have come back now that I really think about it. Oh, God, and so many new people on their way. Does that wrap us up for the mailbag, man? I mean, there are more questions, but we can just get to them on Thursday. I mean, we have a lot of questions this week. Should we try to find one more?

Yeah, let's do another one. Let's see. Some of these are long, and I'm just trying to... Okay, let's do this one. Jackie Flavin asks, Smells like, for Andy Cohen's Watch What Happens live set oh my gosh

well poor people because they have like an audience of just you know random poor people that they'll drag in off the street so smells like poor people um flop sweat um weed obviously but not weed.

The vape weed. You know, so it's like that kind of butane smell. Yeah. And mothballs. I think the Watch What Happens live set smells like styrofoam peanuts. And Jolly Ranchers. And vagina spray glue, like Erica Girardi used. I'll bet there's like a huge waft of vagina spray glue smell.

I feel like it smells like you just bought a new E-ZPass and you're taking it out of the plastic, mixed with sleepy time too you know when you pass when you're about to pass the cafe in ikea but you don't know it's coming up like you're always surprised that it's there it's just kind of in the middle of everywhere um that smell you're like what is that it's like rotting meat but also chicken salad and tomato sauce, but also like dead people. Like that. I think it smells like Sparrows with a car from like Metro North. You know, the only smell in that place is that one Joe Giudice fart that just won't leave the studio.

You know, there is one. It just will not leave the studio ever i think it smells like pesto that's been left out on the counter and um new slippers it's probably someone who hates andy like kim richards or danielle stobb or someone like that they probably just put like a little piece of rotting meat like a little piece of rotting hamburger in that dumb snoopy thing he has behind his head on his bookshelves i think it smells like sushi bar meets windex okay i say butt cracks in august and um a febreze plug-in with two competing scents. It's like a spring clean going up against a laundry trying to overcome fire and rotting meat. Yeah, I think that sounds about right.

I think that sounds about right. But we'll never know because we're never going to be on it. And you know what? Good for him. If we were going to be on it, we we're never gonna be on it and yeah good for him if we were gonna be on it we're not gonna be on it now so milbag ben before we talk to the boys can we we please, please, I beg of you, watch a preview for the Real Housewives of New York City. Yes. Oh, yeah. So the preview came out today for the new season of Real Housewives of New York City.

And gone are Heather Thompson. Heather Thompson, who the news is that she was fired from the Yummy brand because she's been fighting. Yeah, she's, I believe she's i believe michael cook put this on our wall i'd be shocked but weren't him maybe it's maybe it's cindy c in the case they battle for the most news and um uh basically heather thompson has been uh fighting with the guy who is like the brand's manager and part owner uh because she was mad that he wouldn't let cameras come into the yummy offices. And which I would be mad about that too.

If you were going on the show to help promote the brand, I would be mad too. They've been fighting, fighting, fighting. And now she's been fired from the brand. Oh, I thought that was her brand. Didn't she start it? That's what I thought. So that's what I thought also.

So I think it's craziness. So, but Heather's gone from the show. that was her brand didn't she start it that's what i thought so that's what i thought also so i think uh it's craziness so uh but heather's gone from the show and so is kristin but in her place is this new girl so we are going to play the trailer right now yeah we won't talk too much during the trailer because i know our sound is weird trying to talk over it like it's hard to get the levels right so we're gonna try and just watch it and then we'll talk about it yeah there are gonna be moments where you're just gonna hear cacophony but uh it won't be that much different than the actual show yeah it's a preview yeah it's just a lot of weird garage band loops and uh some women screaming at each other you're gonna hear yeah you're gonna hear like noises and glasses breaking and things falling over a lot. And probably this at the same time.

My stupid goat laugh. But then you'll hear the occasional withering Countess Luanne remark. So that cuts through always at all times. Did anybody read Martha Stewart's Twitter today? I mean, that is not girl code. All right. So, Ronnie, are you going to watch it with me? Yeah.

One, two, three. Go. Oh go oh my god we're in the post a night on the town when haywire when ramona singer was ejected well here we go again dancing carol doing shots Luann doing hula hoops, twister. I look in the mirror, I was like, who's that? Oh my God, it's me, I hate that bitch. Ramona broke a glass. The gentleman brought you around. Ramona's got some new titties. What else can you do besides cook well? How many new titties has she got? I know, Bethany's soccer mom hair.

Really? Why can't she just go to rehab? Rehab is so cool. You're insane. As you would say, there's a new bitch in town. I come so fast, like I have a problem. Hi, how are you? Oh, she comes really fast.

Jules is not like us, she's still hopeful. Of course, she has to talk about her vagina still working. All right, well, we're gonna ruin that. I grew up Jewish, I did Shabbat. My mom's Japanese. She's Asian and Jewish, but you don't have to remember that because she'll tell you like two dozen times. I'm Asian, I love things. I'm kosher, I can't have it. I always like to be very Asian and subs, but you don't have to remember that because she'll tell you like two dozen times. I'm Asian, I love Asian guys.

With kosher, I can't have it. I always like to be very Asian and subservient. There's not one cute guy at the bar. She's the new Katie. You have to have a drink that'll look better. You guys have been together over a year, this is like real. Just don't like leave her out. I only have like five good summers left.

And he has like 20. Talking to the Carols guy. Luana's engaged. Did you see how beautiful she is engaged. Uh-oh, John. Is that John? That's John. What is that, in Google Glass he's wearing? Ew.

Why is Bethany dressed like Lady Gaga? Yes, drunk Dorinda. Oh, fat anger. Angry launderer. Oh, my God, Dorinda. Oh, my God, fat anger. Angry launderer. Oh my god, Dorinda. Dorinda's gonna get mad. Oh my god, Sonya getting her vagina worked on like a car

jiffy lube. Yeah. Bethany has surgery. Man, Bethany sure likes to cry in a car. She's always crying in cars. Bet she drinks too much. Man, Bethany sure likes to cry in a car. She's always crying in cars. Don't talk about me behind my back. I trusted you. I was going through a divorce and saved my life. I don't want anything to do with you.

God. Keep your opinions to yourself. You called me a pedophile. It's over, man. You have sex with married men. You cheated. You learned how to say man. The same thing that you do. yourself you called me it's over man you have sex with married men you cheat you haven't learned how to say man about the same thing that you do oh the right place was dorinda you can't keep avoiding me carol actually i could walk away how dare you ruin your bed

of mine don't come in and talk about my business mario oh sorry that's right he left you for someone else and checking it twice to take me down. That's it! If no one can behave themselves, then you all go home. You all go home. Back it up. Oh, wow. So we have a back it up, and we also have a Dorinda from the Sonya. I like Luann saying, it's over, man.

I love Luann's late sling. It's like everybody on Bravo last night saying dude over and over. Like they're trying to bring it back in and then watch what happens live open with dude. I'm like, oh, come on. You know what? New York City always brings it. I cannot wait. I feel like we're in like a really good place with Bravo right now.

Everything has been just so entertaining. So good. These outfits are so good there's three girls in leather pants sitting next to each other on a on a leather couch bethany everything she's wearing is angular at all times she's wearing rectangular jackets rectangular shapes on her rectangular jackets i love it yeah i'm i'm looking forward to this quite a bit and the new girl i'm excited to see what the new girl is all about I like that she's getting trashed already in the trailer she's like I'm Asian I'm Jewish I'm Asian I'm Jewish

chopsticks sure I love chopsticks I also love shabang yeah she's gonna be fun I love New York City Real Housewives of New York City it's probably my favorite franchise I think it is the one that's been the most consistently entertaining I think it's New York City. Real Housewives of New York City is probably my favorite franchise. I think it is the one that's been the most consistently entertaining. I think it's New York City, then Beverly Hills. I think OC may be number three.

It's certainly one of the most fun to talk about because it's some of our most fun impressions all across the board. I don't know about this new girl, but it is going to be fun listening to her say Asian and Jew every other sentence. I bet Bethany, she's not going to get along with Bethany because now that she's talking about coming too quickly, Bethany's going to be mad. That's her thing to talk about. So what? I came too fast. I just like when a guy goes down on me.

That's all. Someone else talking with vulgarities at the table. But only when she's slightly drunk and then she's like a total prude all the rest of the time. I mean, get out of here, Frigid. Like, you could be on the cover of Frozen.

But I do love that they picked someone they knew that would go after Bethany and that Bethany would immediately hate because Bethany hates, she's like a Vicky, where she hates the younger, prettier one. This girl doesn't look like 20 years old young. You know, she's not like a Kristen

who just didn't fit. She's not that much younger, but she's younger. And young. You know, she's not like a Kristen who just didn't fit. She's not that much younger, but she's younger. And I have to say, she's thinner. I mean, that must have been very difficult to find someone thinner than Bethany just because you know it's going to piss Bethany's anorexic ass off. Well, I guess we'll see what happens. I'm looking forward to it. Dorinda goes apeshit on everybody. She always does.

Dorinda tells, starts screaming at Ramona that Mario left her because she's such a witch. Well, John also is going crazy. John kept it in last season, but this season it looks like he's yelling at people. I guess, you know, when you have a dry cleaner, any stain's a good stain. Just splooge it all over the screen. They'll keep coming. Someone got too close to his shrimp cocktail. If you build cum, they will cum to the dry cleaners.

Oh, Bethany. And Carol just mostly goes, well, yeah, my boyfriend's really young. I've only got five years left, but he's got 15. Well, who cares? You don't have to spend them all together. Spend the next five and then induce him into a coma. Yeah, exactly. Cryo.

All right. So now we're joined by two good, gorgeous men, Brandon and Craig of Newlyweds. Hi, boys. We're totally making out right now. I can hear the saliva everywhere you guys are so cute you even showed up to skype on video so we could see how cute you are that is there's some good forehead going on over there we are what we are i mean i we don't even we didn't even do any makeup or anti-shine on our face oh i didn't shine. You're just effortlessly

beautiful. I get it. Who doesn't want to shine? I thought you're supposed to want to shine. I'm doing it wrong. I'm like, come here, coconut oil. I'm leaving little snail trails everywhere I go with my face. Oh, no. When they filmed us for the whole year,

it seemed like they only aired the stuff that we're in our 100 degree apartment because the air conditioning can't be on. Right. So we're so like we're big, muscular guys. So we're so red in the face and I look like I'm a sweaty mess. Somebody was like, you guys should really stay out of the sun. You're really sunburned. And I'm like, holy shit.

It was like 80 degrees in here. The air's off. And yeah, we we weren't in new york like the rest of or how and we look at them we look at robin rowe and they got like um reflector lights and all of that stuff and we're like where the hell was our good lighting they didn't give you they didn't have any like lighting rigs going up or anything in your place? Not really. I mean, at times there was that when it was like a dark scene in

the bedroom. But no, reality TV doesn't give a shit about what you look like, especially when you're guys. Yeah, the guys were... How long would a typical shoot be? Would that be like four hours that would be distilled down to five minutes?

No. Not when it's docu-series. like a typical shoot be like, would that be like a four hours that would be see distilled down to five minutes? No, not when it's docu series. It's a little different because I think reality TV plans ahead and they like, um, ask you what you have going on. And this is docu series where it was sometimes like eight to 10, 10 hours. They,

they work at 10 hour day. So, so you're, you're there for 10 hours at minus the lunch which is like 30 30 minutes they roll the cameras when i need to go like pinch a loaf in the bathroom yeah well to be fair so do you i was googling you before this and ben please play the clip the craig Craig open. You got the Monday poos? I mean, blues. Then went right to music. No, that was the second one.

It's Craig open. I think. Oh, I thought it was the morning poos issue. It's just the opening. I love this so much. It was the first. I think it's in your Twitter bio. No, I have it.

I have it. This is. Do you have fitness constipation? Is your morning fitness routine stuck? I'm fitness expert Craig Ramsey. Join me for seven days of potty training. Where I'll help you tighten up and lighten up with this crappy workout. So good.

What was the context of that? Craig does this, because, you know, I think in the first episode you guys were in, the first episode of the year, they showed Craig, I think you were on Graham Norton, right? And you were showing your workout around the office cubicle, which was hilarious. We were dying laughing. And it's everyday workouts, right?

So this one is your morning poo. Like you wake up and you work out while you're on the toilet. Dying, Craig. Absolutely. I mean, I eliminate those excuses of I can't get to the gym. Well, guess what? The world is your gym. And everyone takes a dump and they might as well pump while they do that.

Why not? You're using toilet paper as a thigh master. The second move is called the seat hover. The third one is called the pile plops. It's actually plie plops. Oh, I'm sorry. My typing. I'm sorry.

I was laughing while I was typing something. You know, this is good to know because I am drinking some Tiago coffee and as Craig and Brandon know, Tiago coffee, you don't mess with that. You don't mess that shit at all. Cause it's,

it's going to come out strong. Poop juice. It's coming back. It's coming back out. It is jet fuel. Yeah. Cause I've seen you guys at that coffee shop, but that was before we became Twitter friends.

So just, I would just admire from afar. We love it there. I know me too. You guys should just tweet each other from the coffee line let's do it i go there like every day yes so how do they you're you were mentioning a little earlier how this is different than a normal reality show just because they're shooting it for an entire year how many days of the month do they shoot you guys i mean it seems like they're going what is, once a month that they show up? How does the schedule work for this?

It varies. At times it was quite intense and many days in a row. And then other times like two or three weeks even went by. I think because it shows our highlights of what we have going on. It shows my highlights in my hair and the highlights in our life. going on. It shows my highlights in my hair and the highlights in our life. What's kind of unique too is that because it is a docuseries, we have to find the places that we're filming.

When we're not filming, we actually have to let the places know that we're going to. It's locations. A lot goes into it that doesn't normally in a regular reality show so a lot goes on the wayside like the 95 percent of what we film you don't see and um and you know that's kind of uh sad to me and i mourn a lot of the footage that we were able to offer viewers that unfortunately... Give us your tops. What are the storylines that were

in there that were completely on the cutting room floor? The very first promo ad, do you remember when Craig and I walk out? It's not that I dress in a big fur gay coat every day. They filmed us down doing Halloween on Santa Monica. So we went as Liberace and his lover. dress in a big fur gay coat every day that they filmed us down doing halloween on santa monica so we went as liberace and and and his lover so it was and we were in a limo with my my 80 year old

grandma who was completely wasted she was wasted grandma loves bottles of wine at one sitting. And she's so funny. And that's gone our business. A fit and fab, which we married at the same time as marrying each other of my fitness expertise and Brandon's beauty stuff. And, you know, we had tons of clients that wanted to be on board with this and showcase their journey. And that all is cut. I mean we filmed with Candice Kane, we filmed with Nina Parker. Wasn't Candice Kane in the previews in fact?

I seem to remember her. Lisa Lampanelli roasted us after Craig sang to me. She got up on stage and roasted us. We're actually going to post the video of it because it was hilarious and I can't believe that it wasn't shown. And it was an actual year? They actually filmed you for an actual year?

Yeah. That's crazy. How did you feel about what wound up on the air? I think that we're just grateful for the experience itself and we sit in that place of gratitude. I mean, as I said, I really mourn a lot of what wasn't seen. And also you don't anticipate sharing a show with, um, with other couples that we have,

we had up to date, no idea who they were. It's not housewives. And I, I kind of, I would prefer the format of a team that is cohesive and working together because you don't you don't know what they're they're doing in the other people's stories and of course they don't want they don't want two of the couples kind of going down the same path yeah right yeah exactly they're like you are not going to redo your bathroom this season okay you will not tear that bathroom apart well you know i think you guys should actually be pretty grateful because i mean if there You will not purposefully tear that bathroom apart. Well, you know, I think you guys should actually be pretty grateful because, I mean, if there is any – like, those other couples are making you guys look so much better.

I mean, they are doing – not that you guys look bad and they're lifting your butt. But, I mean, if there's anyone that you want to be put up against, it's those other couples. Well, you know, that's the thing. Here's the great thing about not knowing the other couples, is we can't be blamed for that. We went along, and we were being our authentic selves,

and we knew that whatever ended up there, yeah, we mourned the stuff that wasn't on there, but the stuff that's on there is still us, and it's still good yeah so good i i i'm really happy with what they chose and how how i guess they portrayed us but ultimately you are who you are when you do a docu-series like this if it's an exaggeration of who you are but if you're an asshole guess what you're gonna be an asshole yeah if you're fun and loving and i think brandon and i we love each other and that's apparent and and that comes out yeah i have to say i mean you guys really i mean it was uh you guys are like by far i don't want to say like the best couple because

that's like it's weird to say the best couple but honestly as a as a viewer you guys are like the best couple you know it seems like you guys really care about each other I'm sure all of them care about each other in some way but I thought it was actually nice that the gay relationship was sort of like the most normal and the sweetest and the most loving

or at least as presented to us and I thought it was also like a nice I thought it was also like a nice portrayal of gay love. You know, sometimes on reality TV, you know, if they put gay people up there, it is just

one type of gayness. They put you in the promo in a damn full-length fur. You know, that's what they want to show. They want to show like a mincing gay, you know, and it's nice to see like different facets of gayness. But it's also nice that you are like, you are a stereotype in a way.

I mean, one of you is a hairdresser and one of you is a Broadway singer. Totally. So I really like that because as someone who is a stereotype, like I follow our, our, our sisterhood stereotypes. And I like it that we can still, you know, those stereotypes come from places, I follow our sisterhood stereotypes.

And I like it that we can still, you know, those stereotypes come from places, but it doesn't have to come from an evil, vicious, mean place, even though I do. But it's nice to see, you know, you guys not. You guys are doing the community proud, y'all. Yeah. Well, thank you for that. Yeah, thank you. That's really nice and reassuring. I mean, ultimately, we are who we are. And if we fit a stereotype you that that's that's really nice um and reassuring i mean ultimately we are who we are and if if we fit a stereotype then that's fine but we're a stereotype that's

in love and we deserve every single opportunity of marriage equality that um a butcher couple or a straight couple would have you know i think that the thing that sets us apart too is craig and i actually have a sense of humor. And, you know, we don't take ourselves too seriously because it – Obviously. Yeah. Well, you know, we're the gay couple. So it's like there is some humor in that. And I think that where the other couples – what you see is the fact that I don't see them laughing at themselves very much which

which i think robin rode you to some degree to some degree that robin rode you but yeah i know what you're saying yeah i think that it's harder sometimes just because get it's hard to even compare because our cultures are so different and we get to have i mean look we get to have, I mean, look, we get to fuck so much, really. Right. I mean, we can fuck anybody. It's not about that or feeling lonely or just being with somebody because you don't want to die alone and stuff like that. Like, generally, it's taking us a lot longer in the years before we're ready to settle down and stop being, you know, kind of hoes, I guess. Or, you know, it takes a lot more thought it's like planning a life whereas i think some of the younger straight couples are like uh you know like that erica girl she's like well he just cheated on me with 18 hookers in brazil but you

know we already made the spaghetti so let's do this and chicken it was only 14 it was only 14 not 18 oh 14 14 i'm a doll Oh, 14, 14. I'm undocumented. Yeah, that's the thing, too, for us. We were so grateful to even be getting married. I mean, you know, I think that straight people, too, I think it's a given

for them, and it's not something that they it's not so new and fresh, and I was completely grateful that they it's not so new and fresh and I was completely grateful that I was even given this opportunity and this experience so I love being married Our wedding was more fabulous than what they showed though

can I share with you? Yeah do it Yes. Okay so like I couldn't decide which bridesmaid was going to be my maid of honor. Crystal. Yeah, sure. I'm like, please.

I had three rotating best women that were at my wedding. So every 20 minutes an alarm went off and I would have to rotate them. Okay. Which was spectacular. And I camped the shit out of my wedding party before, before the wedding, when Brandon had manis and petties with his, I actually bootcamp them and crystal was barfing everywhere.

Oh God bless her. That's the way you were rotating her ass off the bench. You're like, crystal's still barfing. Get me two backups. Craig invited every fucking person in the audience to be in his line. And so it, it, it was quite obnoxious because I didn't have anybody. And then it looked like I was lonely.

So I ended up adding people because your line was clear down. His guests were walking each other. In his line, they were walking each other down the aisle. in his line they were walking each other down the aisle yeah i love that you're just like single filing it down all sadly i love that about you you're like i'm the ugly one you're hot shut up how are things going with crystal by the way because she gets talked about quite a bit like has she now the show is aired is she like has she been like, hey, that's my laptop. Crystal's got the busted-ass computer hand-me-down, which she's still recovering from. I don't feel sorry.

Well, look, if she does actually have to carry your all's baby, she gets a new computer. Until then, she's getting the refurb. I'll give her the new computer I took back from her. She's getting a Dell. Crystal's doing really well and I think that that was so accurately portrayed because

Crystal is my sister and portrayed by both the production and by you guys because I love when you talk about Crystal. We asked if anybody had questions for you guys today on our Facebook page. The number one question from people was, where's Crystal? What's Crystal doing? Well, you know, the thing is also, I have to say, I mean,

Crystal gets a lot of credit because there was a lot of Crystal talk, and then she finally shows up. And you're almost expecting this, like, showdown. You know, it's like, well, Crystal had Craig first and all that stuff. And she was like, oh, yeah, cool. Yeah, no, that's fine. She was like, bye, gays. Right.

Yeah, that's totally Crystal. Like, I love you. My womb is your womb. Call me soon. Thanks for the petty. I have to tell you, though, what's so funny about her. Like, when we were on Watch What Happens Live as the bartenders, everybody's

writing all these things and all Crystal comments, she's like, my gays are better than yours. She's happy. Crystal dropped 100 pounds during the filming over the year. And so I think people are confused. There's like so many different versions of Crystal.

And it bounces back and forth because of editing. So all of a sudden Crystal's like 80 pounds heavier. And then she lost it. And then she's like 60 pounds. She has a real disorder. Well, yeah, that's how I am. So maybe that's why I'm so in love with Crystal. Because I'm like, I don't gain 80 pounds in a damn month.

I just like that she looks like Shirley Manson. My favorite. Oh my god, totally, right? Yeah, she's one of my favorites. That's a compliment. In case there's any ambiguity, that's a compliment. Shirley Manson, I bow down to her. Craig, tell them Crystal's Abbey story. When she went to the

Abbey with me? Years ago, when I was in Mamma Mia, Crystal came to stay with me for three months. And we were at the Abbey. And Crystal was like... Brandon's outside on the doormat. Right. Knocking Fred Flintstone style.

Some twinkie gay comes up to Crystal. And remember how they have a bakery at the Abbey? So she was munching down on a carb, like a big bagel. And he looks at his watch, and he goes, oh, honey, don't you know it's after midnight? You shouldn't be having those carbs. Oh, no. What kind of queen in the Abbey would say that to somebody? I mean, that's the whole reason they have the bakery is for us to bring our fat friends.

I mean, no offense, Crystal, but I mean, look, all gay men have their best friend and we complain about body issues together. Of course you take them to the Abbey. You can look at the hot strippers and they get to eat a pie. Yeah. Well, she didn't finish that bagel. She actually threw it at that queen as he was dancing on the dance floor and it just popped right off his head. Cream cheese and everything. And Crystal just looked away like

it wasn't her and she went about her business. Good for her. You go, Crystal. Yeah, that's exactly what you should she should be on Bravo. I mean, like you guys are nice and everything, but if she's throwing pie at people at a gay bar, she should be on one of the housewives.

The real housewives of IHOP. Yeah. Just hurling pies at people uh do you like how now crystal has taken over the podcast see this is classic crystal we're just talking about still now yeah i think she has a plan so ivan mendez asked us asked you guys after watching yourselves on the show do you regret signing up for it? Well, you heard that. No, you don't, right? No.

No. Oh, sorry. I wrote these. I copied and pasted these before we talked. So Juliana says, oh, my God, oh, my God, love them. All I have to say is that they are in some strange and crazy company with that show. Do you want to talk trash about anything? Have you met all of the other cast members, cast members by now you have now,

right? Okay. So after Craig and I reached out to everybody we did, because we figured, you know what, even though a lot of these people, we have nothing in common with, um,

they, we still share the experience, which was for them. They went through the same thing. Um, so yeah, we have talked to everybody and, and we hang out a lot with, with Tara and Rob because they're here.

You know, they're in Malibu. Yeah, that was actually the next question. Someone said they're stalking your Instagrams and you've been around Rob and Tara in quite a few snaps. Are you are they being edited to look awful or are they terrible? Spill. Well, here's the thing. Tomorrow night on the finale, I think that you'll get a more well-rounded portrait of who Rob is.

Tara is one of the most delicious people I've ever met, and there's nobody that comes in contact with her that doesn't think so. So I just think that there's a lot of things that people don't know about her. They have three kids. She's a mother 50% of the time to Rob's four-year-old people don't know about her. They have three kids. She's a mother 50% of the time to Rob's four-year-old, five-year-old, and an 18-year-old. Tara also

has several autoimmune disorders. Vertiligo is one of them. So she does suffer from the skin pigmentation. So she's, she, you know, she's such, she's got such a great attitude with, with all the, all of the things that she's faced with. So I, I have a soft spot for her. And they're taking the heat off of us. Like stereotypically,

a lot of their issues would be the gay couples issues. They were so the general public would think. So all of a sudden, how do you mean specify? Well, all of a sudden they have family bed, you know, they're they're the ones that are inviting others into into their marriage and things like that. also redefine itself, just like gay marriage can now be more traditional. So I appreciate the fact, too, that she doesn't, if you go on social media, she does not apologize and she doesn't justify. And she still just puts a smile on her face. She's not out there, you know.

She's taking, yeah. There's no excuses. They're proud of their marriage and they're proud of who they are, and I respect that. And I respect that, And I respect that. Yeah. It's got to be rough because then people not only judging you on TV, but then when they have so many problems with your relationship. I mean, as I mean, I talk about it all the time, so I won't hear it because that's rude. But obviously, people like me, shit talkers will are just talking mad shit. And it's not only about you.

It's about your relationship. And why the hell would you feel this about this person? He's probably abusive. And I mean, that's got to be rough. Yeah, because we go in on them. We really do. So it's like a little shocking to me to hear. I mean, I shouldn't be shocked because if there's one thing that we've learned about

reality TV is that what we're presented is often very different from the actual reality. And we've always been pretty good about acknowledging that we are just reacting off of what we see on TV and that the real people on these shows are often quite different than what we're presented, but we still go in really hard. So that kind of sucks for them if they're lovely people and they're just getting this terrible, terrible edit.

But I think that they're lovely on the show too. I, I, I maybe I'm alone here, but I look at them and I'm like, Oh my God, Tara is a hoot. Like,

I think that they're still fun and I still see love in their relationship. They're just very different people. There's a huge age difference and they, they're navigating their relationship and their marriage at the same time, because I don't think they've been together as long as like Brandon and I have. And that's the thing. They're not fabricating who they are.

The people that you're watching are still them. Yeah. Nobody scripted their stuff. They, they chose, you know, they chose to highlights of who they are, to be honest.

So it's like, you know, that that's where I don't think people also judging. They're also judging things that they put out there themselves. So, you know, that that's where I don't think people also judging. They're also judging things that they put out there themselves. So, you know, and and and that's that's a thing. Fourteen in Brazil. Right. Yeah. I mean, that is just crazy. But just to finish with Robin Terrell really quick, I think it's got to be fascinating for them to see what they look like on TV and get reactions from people.

Because even even in the work, what I would other people would say, like, that relationship's not going to work. That's the worst thing you can still. These shows are so great because you can see why people are together sometimes. Like he doesn't speak to the family, but he marries somebody who's obsessed with family because that's how their culture is so he knew that before and it's very interesting to see him not even see that he has an issue but you can see it just because you from the outside you know exactly totally tara belongs on shah's a sunset yeah yes please and this this show and in the format of this show i don't know if it's the exact right fit because most people that tune in want to relate their relationship or their marriage to these couples

and tara brings up a lot of shit for people tara the young girl like most women are going to watch it and not like her just because she represents the young girl that people left their husbands for. So automatically she's going into this with people not on her side. Well, I actually went to her husband four months in while having an affair with him. So yeah, I think anybody in a relationship who sees another relationship that, I mean, publicly admitted. They publicly talked about it starting with an affair and cheating and pissing all their family off, and then him not seeing why that would even piss the parents off.

And rah, rah, rah. I think that people are just grabbing their husbands like, you better not, I'll stab you with a fork. Yeah, and Rob also represents that certain brand of husband or partner in general that we've met and we've seen time and time again where like someone starts you know a relationship with that person then you never see that person again because they are now like in in a relationship and and so i'm sure people are also invested in the

in the rob storyline too because it's like oh there's that that's like my friend who like her her she only hangs out with her husband's friends or like he won't let her hang out with so and so so I'm sure it's like extremely relatable to a lot of people but man it's but we really go in on them now Craig how do you feel the thing is when we listen to you guys you guys are spot

on with everything you go in on all of us and I what I what I think is so funny is that you guys are so right. You're right. You're spot on. Oh, my God, you guys. I'm making a ringtone of you saying that because that's all I like to hear in life.

It's just people saying you're right. You guys are so right. That's what we find so funny is because it's like you're so right. From Crystal to Robin Tara to Adonis Erica, Robin Rowe, you guys nail it every single time. And it's so funny. Well, I love to talk shit because I've got so much shit. I'm always projecting my own insecurities and weirdness onto other people. And that's why I watch these, I think, because I can talk shit about people.

And at the end of the day, I kind of learn more about me. It's true. people and at the end of the day i kind of learned more about me oh yeah it's true craig how did you uh how did you like your portrayal because i think i mean you guys your relationship has been more or less again it's i think it's gotten a pretty good edit i think the only the only times that there's been sort of a portrayal of anything negative has been this view of you craig as being more immature or childish or childlike? How did you feel about that? Well, I am. To be quite honest, I'm musical theater.

I'm fitness. I am intelligent with what I do professionally, and I'm quite serious about my business. I could not believe you could sing so well. I could not believe it. I mean, this is a Bravo show. I really thought they were going to set you up to just look like a dodo bird. And you can really sing.

He has a voice. Well, I also, I was a dancer on Broadway. So I'm actually known as a top-notch dancer that can sing. So thank you so much because I do have insecurity with my voice, not with my dance. Wow. You've got a beautiful theater voice. And I love that you just said, I'm known as a top. I almost started cracking up at you.

When were you dancing on Broadway? What shows did I do? No, just like, well, what shows? And when was that that you were mainly active on Broadway? I was with a ballet company, the Royal Winnipeg Ballet, and I'm a trained contortionist. So that's how I got Brandon to... Oh, whatever.

I secured the relationship at date six with me being a contortionist. Nothing says marry me like someone who can put their heels behind their ears. It wasn't for cleanliness, that's for sure. We just referenced my legs behind my head and you just said it wasn't because of my cleanliness. I'm very clean down there, y'all. Very clean.

You got some, yeah, that's funny. I think that I was accurately portrayed. I think that I bring fun and an entertainment factor to my relationship with Brandon. Like, I think that I make everything a fun experience. And I think that that translated well. But I do take my business very seriously. And unfortunately, I don't think that they captured a lot of what we do professionally.

So it didn't resonate well with a lot of our clientele who know me as, as a top notch fitness expert. I mean, they, they filmed, for example, they filmed me doing the cover. I was,

I did a photo shoot for the cover of cosmopolitan magazine. And the only, the only hair I love that they were like, he's so busy. He's a celebrity stylist. And every picture they showed was of me and Craig. Yeah. Me doing Craig's hair in the front room or bathroom.

Craig's like, well, that's accurate. Yeah, right? Please caption this with top notch. Thank you. Exactly. Craig, you're so cute. I like that you make Brandon more serious, or you make Brandon loosen up a bit, and Brandon makes you more serious, you know? Yeah.

The yin and the yang, if you will. Definitely. Well, who are your celebrity clients? Because we at least got to see some clips of Craig, but we haven't seen any of your real-life job. Thank you. I do a few people. A lot of people that I can talk about that I haven't signed NDAs for is, like,

Jada De Laurentiis is one of my clients. Well, you just got her a husband. Nice work. Yeah, Nickelodeon. I do a bunch of the Nickelodeon kids. I do Lilimar from Bella and the Bulldogs. I do Broadway stars, Stephanie J. Block. I do Richard Kind.

I do Jack Coleman from Heroes Reborn. I do Jessica Mraz from ABC's Chasing Life. Oh my god, no wonder you're traveling all over the world. Did you do anyone at the Oscars this week? You know what? This is the first Oscars. Yeah, Nicolette

Sheridan. This is the first Oscars I did not work because we've been so busy promoting our show. So I actually took the award season off this year, which I can't say. So did I. If it makes you feel any better, I took it off too. It was nice. Well, you know the gift bag was the worst ever.

It was just like a big gold bag full of Wonder Bread. Good year to miss. Yeah, I would have eaten it. And Craig, do you have any ambitions to go do more musical theater? I mean, is that something you're also working on or is that something that's in the past? You're now focused more on fitness. I would never close any door. I want to go into Joseph singing

Close every door to me Yeah I'm with you girl Yeah me too I had that soundtrack growing up Oh we all did that's how I learned how to sing Thank you Donny That's where I learned that you can really wear So many different colors and still match

Totally It's gay fabulousness That's why gay people know all the colors. It's that musical. Thank you, Tim Rice. Yeah. I would go back

if I had the opportunity, I guess, and the right opportunity. But, you know, I combine my entertainment background with my fitness and I've really found a passion for making fitness fun for people.

And I think that that's what's missing out there. People are taking it so seriously and everyone's so sick to death of the stress of reps and sets where my job is to kind of heal people's baggage with fitness and the judgments, the self-judgments they have. So I still feel like I'm performing and I have that checkmark, but I combined it with my fitness. Right. That's good. So what other Bravo shows do you watch? Do you watch any? Are you guys Bravo, Bravo gays? Or do you mostly watch other types of TV? All of them. And we're friends with a lot of the housewives. So we're friends with like Brandy Glanville. We're friends with Gina Keough. We're friends with Jackie from Real Housewives of Melbourne. Lisa Vanderpump. Lisa Vanderpump. Vanderpump Rules

people. I mean, a lot of them are our clients, right? Yeah. So we have an invested interest. And Craig, weren't you on you were on Intervention with Gina Keough, right? That's where I met Gina. Yeah, I did that show

and have you guys been following Workout New York? Couldn't take it. Could not take it. If they say brand one more time, I'm going to blow that building up. I watched the first three episodes. I didn't mind it. Ronnie had a visceral reaction against it. No, I definitely was like, no, I refuse.

I'm out of this relationship. I will not watch this show. I made it through two. Well, Connie, if I somehow make an appearance, would you watch it? Of course. Okay. Just not every day. I mean, just don't get a job on that show, please.

We know each other for real now. I can't support that. My client, Lindsay Clayton's on it. I love her. She was a little redhead that got torn ACL. Oh, my God. I feel so bad for her. She's like, I want to train people, but, you know, can't walk.

So what does she do? The arm machine? You know, the arm bike. Arm bike. I think she kind of just took a hiatus from all fitness while doing a fitness show, which is kind of funny. But she's back at it now. She looks fabulous. And her message for women is just spectacular.

So I fully support it. Yeah, she does. Her and a friend do the Brave Body Project, which is about girls, real girls that want to include fitness, but also want to have a glass of champagne and eat a bagel. Right. Throw a bagel right throw a bagel yeah i'm not a i'm not a skinny girl but i'm um i can fit in a plane seat girl that's i think that that's kind of where america needs to turn now okay you don't have to necessarily be the size of a vodka bottle but you

do have to fit in a plane seat so it's like come somewhere in between maybe how do you guys feel about like fitness like the role of being physically fit, et cetera, in the gay community? Because, you know, Brandon, you mentioned on one episode about how gay guys would come up to you and be like, how did you get him? And it's like a big that's a big there's a lot of like body snobbery in the gay community. Like also a lot of really rude queens. Oh, my God. This neighborhood. We need to stop.

Who does this? I know. Crystal and a bagel. That's what I mean. Get Crystal some carbs and throw in that guy's face. Yeah. That's one of the things too is I think we had a platform and I really wanted to talk about the things that – and be vulnerable. And it was embarrassing to bring up some of this stuff, but I did it because it would,

uh, it helps people, you know, and, and I've suffered body image issues my whole life. And especially being in the gay community, it, it does not help,

you know? Yeah. Or the, we, we're judged a lot just on our appearance and not, well, that's because it's self judgment. Yes.

You're so right. The judge Brandon or us or whatever it may be or if we're too feminine i mean it's their own baggage and let's also recognize that gays have baggage because we have been bullied and because that's what we know especially in america and i come from, from Canada when I had a slightly different upbringing, um, that was a little more kind than a lot of my American friends, but we also have to have compassion with that. And I think Brandon and I do too. If it comes from, from someplace that's negative,

we, we bring light and love to it, but we also call them out on it and say, you don't have to be like that. so I'm going to talk shit here. Yes. Yes. I was on an episode of RuPaul's drag. You, I don't know if you guys like that. Well, so I'm going to talk shit here. Do it. Yes. Yes. I was on an episode of RuPaul's Drag U.

I don't know if you guys saw that. Yes. Oh, no, I didn't. But I remember the show. Yeah. Yeah. So here's a prime example. They had not announced the drag race season winner that year.

They were going to do the show and announce it that weekend. And it was Sharon Needles. My episode, I was on there with Pandora Box, who's I love is lovely. Raja and Sharon Needles. They were the three queens that were helping the girls. And my, you know, I come out on set and the, the person, you know, Sharon Needles whole platform that year was that she's the underdog. She was bullied.'s the underdog she was bullied she was this she was that I walked out there and I tell you what she was the biggest bully to me through the entire episode and she was my favorite that season and I went home and I was so upset because I was like you're still upset I'm still upset yeah because I my point to this being that people, even if you have a pre if you think, we're all struggling with our own worst critic, and that's ourselves.

We don't need any help. Yeah, I think you're absolutely right. I got my smart-ass tongue and my hatefulness from not being able to fight physically, and so I would just make people laugh and so a lot of my mean humor comes from that and I see it being older and mostly just kind of getting told off on the internet to be quite honest just from being out in the public in a way and people will tell you off and I kind of realize like yeah it's it's about we want everybody to accept us but we haven't accepted us yet yeah and we've got all these new roles that we're living and no one really knows quite how to do it yet and when you are accepted and embraced by

a community or the the normal community and you've got like your mom's friends on facebook who when i was a kid i would have thought i'd get strung up being from texas and i just being a born-again christian etc etc um and cetera. And then they've got Facebook. They've got the Facebook gay flag on their picture. I mean, everything's changed so fast, I don't even think we know how to deal with it yet. No. But it's also funny. There are so many times,

getting back to what you were saying, Brandon, or Craig, about how so much of it is really what's going on in someone's head. Like when you're criticizing someone. It's usually it's the person coming up to you saying that remark. It's what they're going through. And I it's something that I deal with all the time, you know, in just in the most random ways.

I was looking at I follow this guy on Instagram just like this hot buff guy. And, you know, because, you know, why not? Little eye candy. And like he recently he got like new teeth. And I was like, because, you know, why not? A little eye candy. And, like, he recently, he got, like, new teeth. And I was like, this guy is so vain. Like, his teeth look perfectly fine. Now he's getting new teeth? Like, that's ridiculous.

Why did he get new teeth? Ugh, like, I'm a little over this guy now. And then he put up a little video saying that he wanted to get new teeth because ever since he was a little kid, one of his teeth was, like, discolored. And he was something he was really insecure about. But he finally was able to get new teeth. And I was like, okay, and he was something he was really insecure about but he finally was able to get new teeth and I was like okay well I'm an asshole because like I just totally read all this stuff into that that wasn't even there

it was just that this guy was like he didn't like his teeth and he wanted to fix his teeth and it's like oh yeah I guess that's some of my self-loathing coming out you know so it's true so much of it is is really about the person who's launching these attacks but that's why we have a podcast you guys aren't assholes though really about the person who's launching these attacks, but that's why we have a podcast.

You guys aren't assholes. No, I don't see it. So there's, there's, there's a difference in calling people out on what they're doing and, and how they're acting and then calling people out on stuff that, that, that is emotional and eternal and internal.

You can't do that. Didn't they say you had close-set eyes? Yeah, but you guys don't... Didn't you guys say I had close-set eyes, which I thought was so funny? We laughed so hard. Oh, you look like a Disney baby. Like the baby from Peter Pan.

Isn't there a little baby in there? Like that kind of... That just Disney drawing of the the big gigantic baby blue eyes and especially when you do your pout you're like but this is gross um when you do that yeah i just think you look like a cute little disney baby drawing you guys do us better than we do ourselves i feel like when someone's hot you're allowed you're allowed to make make some there's a little bit more wiggle room of like making making fun of how they look because they just basically look so hot. So it's like, whatever.

But, you know. Yeah, we get in trouble sometimes for stuff we say about people that is just catty and mean. I mean, look. Yeah. I mean, sometimes you just can't hold it. But, like, Kyle Richards from Beverly Hills, I'm constantly commenting every week about back fat shots. But it's not because she's fat. I think it's hilarious that Kyle Richards thinks she's fat.

Like to me, that is a funny insecurity. And she refuses to wear her proper size. Like she wears what I call her goal size where you're like, I want to be a size one or whatever. And so you buy that size even though you're a five. And then it just makes everything wrong. And that what bugs me it's not fat it's the fact that she can't she can't deal in her own reality you know what i mean but then of course it sounds like i'm just calling some woman you know fat every week yeah but you're not and that that's the thing and i think that that's where there's a difference i think it it's funny. It's like, honestly, when we post this thing with Lisa Lampanelli, you guys will die.

She fucking read us up and down. And it was so funny because it's all just true stuff. She is great. Ben and I are both from TV recapping. We make fun of everything in written form as well. And I'm still working with one of those sites and we did celebrity apprentice. I didn't write it personally, but it was on my site a few years ago when she was on it. And this woman just raped Lisa Lampanelli over the coals.

I mean, she hated her. She was so mean. And Lisa Lampanelli would quote it and retweet it every week and be like, bring, you know, be harder on me. You're being a pussy. I mean, I love that know, be harder on me. You're being a pussy. I mean, I love that. I love that about.

Yeah. You got to love people who are able to, to, uh, to take the joke, which is what's really cool about you guys even coming on here. It's not that we've even really been so harsh on you guys, but like,

you know, there's some people who just, just the, the, the stuff that we have said to you about you guys, they would be like, well, fuck those guys. Those guys are asshole podcasters. It's cool when people can

take the piss out of themselves. It goes back to what we were saying, though. We find the humor in all of this. It's humorous. We're putting ourselves out there. That's the thing. When you open yourself up to this, everybody on social media has a right to their opinion. Oh, but it's hard though. I say that all the time, but man, I'll cry like a little

wuss. But you know what, if we couldn't do it and it wasn't, except I wouldn't put myself out there. Yeah. If I can't take that, you know, I, I i i wouldn't do it and and we're opening ourselves up to it so actually i actually would love because we only interview we don't do very many interviews obviously but um we just do it when we're having fun and usually it starts on twitter we just start talking on twitter or something like that so we we're pretty compatible with most of the people we talk to um i would actually love for somebody to come on that just hated my guts and told me off i think that would be so much fun to have like a real fight with somebody about something darn it i know but it can't be you

what the hell oh we have to ask about your family planning oh yeah yeah i know someone that would get really angry. Who? Talk shit about Rob Brann and have him on. He doesn't deal well with it. Rob? I'll yell at Rob. Rob from New Jersey, right? Oh, yeah. No. He's cute, though.

Just tell him he's actually from Jersey. Oh, Snapple. I know someone said that last week. Someone commented on that last week they were like he's not even in New York City he's in Jersey City tell him to shut up he called some woman a cunt on Twitter and she didn't say anything

oh my god he lights up pretty quickly yeah I didn't like how I don't like how he speaks to women I said that the first day because I feel like when he's being calm and quiet, he's actually very sweet, but then he just becomes

a total asshole when he gets mad and that really bothers me. It makes me angry when hot, cute people are dicks. He is cute, though. He wins. You see, you can always forgive him at the end of the day. See, that's the thing. That's the thing with gays. It's like, well, you know, good chess will go a long way sometimes. They're such a pretty couple, but I... We don't know them. See, that's the thing. That's the thing with gays. It's like, well, you know, good chess will go a long way sometimes.

They're such a pretty couple. We don't know them. No, we just don't know them. They're a very pretty couple, though. So you guys haven't met them in real life? You guys haven't all met each other? Haven't you had a cast party or something? No. No, I mean, they live somewhere. Bravo, you cheap

bastards. At least get some Southwest vouchers and fly everybody to Vegas or something I don't know that I would want to meet all of them you don't want to meet with Erica and Anas well it ain't housewives we had this similar experience but not the same experience

of filming for a year and nor do we know them and I think it confuses the viewer when we're engaging too much with all of them. I mean, we're starting a relationship with Tara and Rob, and that's obvious, and we like what we see, but we're able to have a relationship with them that's apart from the show. We don't know these people. Yeah. So has anybody been sniping at each other on Twitter?

Have there been any fights amongst the cast on Twitter? Or Instagram or whatever? I don't think so. Not purposefully directed hopefully to us. I'm kind of naive and blind to this though. Well, and I'll just be honest here.

I ignore everybody else's posts except for Tara and Rob's. They've been sweet. We've talked to Erica and Adonis. But I don't see their stuff ever. They're not on social media much. I once went onto Adonis' Twitter feed maybe like a week or two ago and like the picture,

I don't remember if it was the banner picture or the profile picture, was him slashed over trying to look cool on his Lamborghini and I was like, I can't. I'm sorry. I just can't. We just saw that breakdown on the side of the road two weeks ago. Get out of here. Lamborghini pictures. That's the thing. The only people I really

peruse their social media and I'm involved in is Tara and Rob's. That's because I really do consider them friends. We want the best for all these couples. That's what you have to understand. We see the love that all these couples i think that that's that's what you have to understand is we see the love that all of them have for each other and we know the the stress that a year of filming can bring and and our hearts go out to all of them especially when

there's some serious issues there which i think all four couples have but ultimately we want it to to benefit them we want them to get what they want out of it but um and we want you guys to make and we want you guys to make fun of us while we're doing it we can do that we can always do that it helps us get through all of it well it's almost done damn it there's only one more episode so there's not a reunion or anything like well i guess there wouldn't be since you're all separate do they do any kind of follow-up with you guys? We don't know. We might hear from them. I think it all depends on what the viewers want.

I think Bravo really respects hearing from people, so if any of your listeners want that, then just ask. Yeah, and this isn't the last time you guys will see us. We're definitely doing our own things. Workouts of Drag, baby.

Workout to Drag comes out in a month. No, in a week and a half. A week and a half. Did you already talk about Workout to Drag? What is it? Is that a drag queen workout show? Well, it's not a workout specifically for drag queens. It uses drag queens in it.

And it's Brandon and I with Pand pandora box drag star pandora and it's the most entertaining and unique fitness dvd to ever hit the market where so funny more than a donkey booty uh like stallion booty rivalry of 2014 yeah real housewives of atlanta you better be careful kenya moore is going to steal this idea the second she hears about it. Yeah, she will. So we didn't get to the family planning. I know that everybody, we've kept you on here forever, so I want to let you go. But what is going on?

Is anybody pregnant? Where that baby? Who holding it? Whose egg is it? Whose sperm is it? What's Crystal's role? The finale tomorrow really ties everything up you guys will see every question you have will be answered okay okay so there's no baby yet it's silent over there

there's a little disney doe-eyed little baby yeah oh you guys thank you so much for coming on please just tell everybody where you want your follows and your likes. Yeah, plug away. Watch what crappens live. That's where we – You can find us through you guys because you guys do post with us. We appreciate it. Mine's at CraigRamsayFit and it's at BrandonLiberati.

And on YouTube. We do a weekly, we're going to be doing a week, weekly videos of, um, inside scoop of what our year was like when cameras weren't around. All this stuff you missed, like our fabulous,

uh, any holiday holiday. We're going to put all our holidays on there. We had some fun holidays and that's probably why they didn't show them. They eliminated the gays from every single holiday. Yeah, I noticed that. You guys didn't get a Thanksgiving thing with everyone else.

Because ours wasn't lonely and depressed. Ours was fun and fabulous. Yours was the only one that seemed to have an actual turkey baster. Right? Like, well, he's not cheating on his wife during Thanksgiving. Oh, my God.

Bring in the flowers. Don't get me started. Those were like the most miserable Thanksgivings I've seen on reality TV. It was just like these sad, like, two to four people at every table. Just so depressing. Ours was really fun, you guys. Especially your first year of married life. Like, you guys. It was super fun. Especially your first year of married life.

That first year needs to be fun. Do you think those were real Thanksgivings, or do you think it was they shot them ahead of time, and then they went off to real Thanksgivings with their families? Well, remember, we have the couples cam, so we are able to capture every moment that both production wants or needs and that we want and need when cameras aren't there. So when you see a holiday, all four couples have filmed it or have the potential to film it. Oh, wow. God. So they filmed on that golf course. Tara and Rob filmed on that sad golf course on purpose. Or that Adonis and Erica's sad Thanksgiving in their house with the dad.

Oh, God, it was so depressing. Everything was. Rob and Rose burnt bird. Way to end it. We're like the saddest Thanksgiving ever. Okay, thanks for listening to that. And I love that they just didn't bring any word all of a sudden it was like there was no thanksgiving for us and it was like the name of the episode was it's all gravy oh we're like where the hell is our

thanksgiving we're just in that time i think so isn't that isn't that thanksgiving enough we're in that time right now in our country, I think. They're like, you know what? No one wants Thanksgiving anymore. They just want the scene of people getting poisoned blankets. We can deal with gay marriage, but gay Thanksgiving, we're just not there yet.

America is not there yet. You guys, thank you so much for coming on the show. It was really fun talking to you. We love you guys. Love you guys, and you so much for coming on the show. It was really fun talking to you. Love you guys. Love you guys. And let's go.

We'll go have coffee at Tiago. We'll talk more shit about Bravo people. Yes, sirs. Next time I see you guys, I'll walk up to you guys and say hi. Yes, do please. Yeah. And when you guys get poor again, I'll still be at Starbucks getting my 50 cent refill. So maybe I'll see you over there on the way home. That's what I go to in the afternoon. We'll see you guys get poor again i'll still be at starbucks getting my 50 cent refill so maybe i'll see you over there on the way home that's go to in the afternoon so we'll see you guys later thanks so

much bye guys bye from wondery this is black history for real i'm francesca ramsey Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History? Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some.

As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards, played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten

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early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. Us web designers? Hardly. But we did just create a fantastic looking website using Weebly. We still can't believe how easy Weebly makes it. Yeah, although technically our site is still under construction. But either way, it's been an easy construction easy Weebly makes it. Yeah, although technically our site is still under construction.

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Oh, man. Moving on from Weebly to Wobbly. Because it's on to the messy, messy Vanderpump Rules. You know, I feel like transitioning between the newlyweds and Vanderpump Rules, I feel like I've got something in my throat. I almost feel like I have to clear the phlegm. How lucky are you to have me teach you about me?

Clear the phlegm. Clear the phlegm, darling. Clear the phlegm. Clear the phlegm, darling. This is the segment where we go on to Caroline Fleming from Ladies in London. We go on to her Instagram and we enjoy what she has offered us lately. So here's her

photo from 13 hours ago. It's a photo of Caroline Fleming jumping on a trampoline in her, looks like a bedroom or a living of Caroline Fleming jumping on a trampoline in her looks like a bedroom or a living room she's jumping on the on the trampoline and she says hashtag rebounder at

true B app at India PS I always wanted to fly since the age of three we such a fun session this morning thank you xxx hashtag restore the floor at leah wood official hashtag trampolining hashtag women for women look you want to fly so bad can someone open a window clear the phlegm i just like i just like how somehow like how somehow the trampolining is a female empowerment moment.

Hashtag women for women on trampolines. Hashtag Alexis Bellino. I like that it's also just not trampolining anymore. Now it's rebounding. It's not just exercising. Now it's coming back from something traumatic. How lucky are you to have me jump on your trampoline? Oh, you know, for a woman who lives in the castle and talks about how rich she is, she sure at a lot of businesses in her instance.

She certainly does. Christ, lady, get a job. All she's doing is putting her name on trampolines and she must have a crazy rec room. Anyway, that was clear the flam. Clear the flam clear the flam clear the flam is cleared that is clear all right vanderpump rules the show that's about flam for flam by flam the show where nobody rebounds when they jump on that trampoline, they just hit the floor. Rebounding face first into a floor and then never getting fixed feels great.

Hashtag the floor. All their trampolines are made of saran wrap. They jump onto it and just... I can't believe this trampoline would break one week from my birthday. I told you not to make a trampoline out of dollar store condom, Shay. Shay, I keep telling you, if you just lose some weight, you'd be better at trampolining. Oh, poor Shay. Poor Shay.

Buy a rebounder just for Shay to be upset with somebody else. We all know Shay would just sit down on the trampoline and just stay there. This episode begins as any Lala scene would. On the phone, pretending to talk to somebody. Every time Lala is on camera, they're like,

okay, Lala, do what you do. And she's like, um, we take Amex. I'm ready to give up. Okay, thanks for calling. Yeah, that was my note. I said, exciting news at the top of the show. For a party of six or more, we just need a credit card to put on file. I'm surprised she's not like,

please deliver a paper check to the office. We don't understand what credit cards are yet. She's like, if you want to book a table of six, you just have to bring one copy of Anne Rand's latest book You know they're like You know they call her like A.N. or something

Who spells Anne like that? Nobody I know Misspelling is happening Right now It's all happening All this literature is happening It's all happening All this capitalism

She just fine gets blown by Anne Rand It's all happening. All this capitalism. His mind gets blown by Anne Rand. I can't believe this economic way of life is happening right now. I don't care about architects. I mean, if you're going to argue something in a court of law, why is that my business? Stupid. I don't understand this Keynesian economics.

Like, what's the deal with candy canes, and how does it do with our economy? this candy and economics like what's the deal with candy canes and how's the deal with our economy uh so the first scene um is sheena and katie waiting for their paper checks from lisa and i was dying on twitter because people are just so funny i'm trying to remember your name who tweeted us at this but he's like lisa vanderpump hasn't heard of direct deposit i'm like it's lisa vanderpump all right don't tell her about atms her fucking head will explode the machine has my cash in it i don't trust that machine well you know that like she probably pays in like coins you know like here we go here's some six pence car wash coupons i was more distracted by katie's outfit you know this is a girl who was talking about having a a fashion

blog and this she was like she was fully wearing a smock okay she was wearing a smock with big glasses and a scarf i couldn't tell if she was running from the mob or trying to be a bohemian it was crazy she's like she's going for silver lake hipster girl but also with a scarf and she's not wearing ironic hipster glasses. She's wearing like CVS non-lens glasses. She's wearing the sort of like glasses you put on if you're about to drive off in a convertible and have a female empowerment moment.

But it was such a bizarre outfit and I know we just were spent like 20 minutes talking with Brandon and Craig about how like making fun of people's physical appearances is really an indictment on really what's going on inside of you that being said it looked ridiculous okay and whatever indictment that is about my character i will accept it as long as i still

am allowed to say that she looked cray cray well yeah it's not like we're saying it's her body it's her choices it's like her literal choices okay what you wear says a lot about your soul too batch i know but it was literally like smog not smog chic smog chic but it was smog chic too speaking of your uh clothes talking about your soul i'm wearing the same shorts like my same uniform short my home working uniform shorts for five days uh leather crocs with really colorful socks and a t-shirt that probably smells like melted Snickers and burnt toast. I'm wearing a pair of workout shorts that I think I got from Target and a Dartmouth T-shirt right now that stinks. There you go.

There you go, Katie. You see, Katie, we just proved our own points. But at least we're not wearing smocks. Or stupid scarves that aren't even scarves. That is like a weird neck thing. My theory is that she had a hickey because she was wearing that scarf for about 75% of the episode. That did not loosen up. They were in Palm Springs in extreme heat, and she was not taking that scarf off.

It almost made me think she was from a horror movie where her head had been decapitated. And the truth is if you took the scarf off, head would come toppling off and everyone would know the truth that she's undead the scariest part of the movie is when the decapitated head has like a terrible blog that you have to pretend to support zombie fashion guys why are we at this blog event when are we going to acknowledge that if kitty bites us we all turn into zombies guys while you're here um enjoy the mini corn dogs and also please keep pressing refresh because google will count you boring okay thanks i can't believe he got me a ring on a string doesn't he know i just want brains I've been in six years for brains. I would like to take this moment to talk about Katie's mean tweets.

Mean texts. Her mean texts. I'm so sorry. All this social media talk today. Her mean texts to her boy, her ragingly abusive texts to her little pussy of a boyfriend. And I would like to preface it by saying the biggest failure of this season of Vanderpump Rules is that they failed to capture Tequila Katie on camera. Which, of course, may have been by design. Well, not by design, but like Tequila Katie, I think she's been keeping Tequila Katie under wraps because she doesn't want it. I don't think she wants Tequila Katie to come out on camera, but still well it's she's come out a couple of times tequila katie she started it at that

party that they had at pump last week uh that fake gay marriage party or whatever yeah um she started then she's like you know why don't you just get a job i mean that's what you need like we're gonna get married and you need like a job like she starts getting really naggy and like taking her boyfriend down and just like she started getting like that. But I think he went and blew, you know, did some blow in the bathroom and then found some hooker to molest for the rest of the night. So he was out of there. And then I guess she she went nuts on him on the old line message. I have to say for someone they're calling Tequila katie her eye messaging is is pretty good i mean if she's doing this from her phone there's not she's actually more articulate when she is

wasted than she is when she's talking in her scarf i've never seen sentence structure like this on vanderpump rules and i'm not sure if i believe it's her it's like that episode of happy endings when penny when she gets really drunk she can speak fluent Italian. That's what this is. That will never happen. When she gets really drunk. Like the greatest authors. Sheena just keeps ordering everything off the Prime menu. I wish I had that queued up. I'm so sad.

Failure on my part. I think I'm going to just try one of each of the Prime cocktails. I really want to be articulate tonight. So this is, do you have the text too? Yep. Okay, I'll go first. You're a piece of shit. You're not a good boyfriend.

Thank God I'm not pregnant. Fuck, I can't believe I almost married y'all I can't believe I even considered you as a fiance That was Schwartz though That was Schwartz saying that I can't believe I even considered you as a fiance Oh wait it was but it's blue No but you see it's Oh really I thought it was Schwartz because it was coming from that side

No no Their formatting is just off I think that they probably just photoshopped it or Schwartz because it was coming from that side. No, no. Their formatting is just off. I think that they probably just photoshopped it or something. But yeah, it would be a different color. Yeah, you're right. Sorry. No, Schwartz is talking like Schwartz always talks. He's avoiding the shit and waiting for it to pass. Yeah.

So then she's like, I want all your shit out of the apartment. I don't give a fuck about this. Why? You might as well pawn it and start a new life. Like, literally? Who does that? Who gives a ring to a girl if you want a mom? Like, really? I'm sorry, but, you know, you're marrying a model,

and, like, sometimes it happens with us. We get mad, okay? Like, sorry. Sorry if I book too many acting gigs for you. That's, like, my drum. So, please, seriously, get out of my dream and into my car and drive away. James would be like, I made that song. No, you didn't.

No, you didn't. It actually is very much a James song. Get out of my dreams, you basic bitch, and get into my car and drive me someplace. I know that song did have like a nice tune but it was kind of rude who says that he would get in so much trouble you can't just do that to somebody now hey get out of my dreams and into my car baby no seriously like you can't tell me what to do like i'm gonna stay in your dreams okay like seriously you don't talk to freddy krueger like that okay so you don't talk to me if you're gonna say that to freddy Krueger I'll get out of your dreams when I'm done with your dreams oh my god you just

spit on my that's really mature you just spit on the door in your dreams oh how about you get a nicer car and then I'll get out of your dreams okay seriously seriously I don't want my dreams or into your stupid cars I think even paid off you you're gross. Who does that? Last time I tried to get out of my dreams, I fell on my face in the car, okay? So, sorry, I'm just in the dream. Well, I made out with him in his dreams, but then I got really tired of him because, like, I mean, we fucked and we made out. So, I was like, I'll be your friend, but just in your dreams, not in your car, okay?

Listen, I'm sorry, but when the going gets tough the tough gets going so i'm gonna stay in your dreams seriously seriously i know how hot i am in your dreams um so they're so overdramatic this is hilarious she had my billy ocean crossover reference okay i know you're not supposed to explain your own joke, but I really feel like it was important to. What? I made a reference to another Billy Ocean song. Damn it, you know my song knowledge is limited. I was so proud of getting out of my dreams.

That's big for me. You basic bitch. You're just a Caribbean queen basic bitch. I've been putting Spotify on the 80s and 90s just so I can try and keep up with your ass on this show. Listen, if we're opening the door to Billy Ocean references, I'm going to just take all of them while I can. Because I don't know when that door is opening up again. You opened it. I know, but I opened it because you gave me the hallway.

You built a hallway. Then have the hallway clean your door you basic bitch um building manager in time to open up all the doors to billy ocean okay i like an ocean view okay you stupid basic bitch you're a stupid thing to say billy ocean so we have to talk about how we're reading these evil, abusive texts from Katie. And then Ariana comes in and she's like, hey, guys, is Lisa here? And she's like, no, we're waiting for her, too. And Ariana goes, oh, God, I just want my check. And then she walks away.

We go upstairs to the office. She just walks away like normal Ariana. She's like bored and can't believe she has to be here. It's, like, normal. And then she's just like, I'm so sick of that. Like, that's what she's always doing. But to be fair, like, Ariana was up late watching some really serious sketch comedy, okay? So, like, you know, throw her a bone.

You guys, like, she just found out that kristen was killing the game so she's totally home practicing game she is she is like she spent she was up until three in the morning saying yes and yes and but then she'd be like yes and no oh fuck i fuck. I mean, no and ah, fuck. I'm really glad to be at this birthday party with you, my husband. Too bad we're having fights over marriage and babies. Like a set up in one line, like an improv. She hates it when people tell her to freeze.

She's like, you know what? Like, I had to quit doing improv after 10 years because I really got sick of people slapping me on the back. You can't tag in. Listen, I take sketch comedy very seriously, so if you're going to tag in, you better make sure it counts. Ariana. Wow. I love that everybody's just realizing that ariana's a troll bitch that

is so funny to me she's like she's always being like that like yeah she was like that all the time that she'd she didn't speak until this season i love that we're also making sheena more and more into like a little troll like not not like an internet troll but she's actually turning into like some like muppet it's it's partly that she literally is and it's partly that she's she's getting her group on surgery based on a troll pencil what is she doing to her face it doesn't even make sense it looks like one of those carrot pictures and the you know when they're trying to get kids to eat vegetables i know she is like from the veggie tales now yeah she's a stupid carrot.

Congratulations, Bimbo Carrot. Nice work. A stupid carrot. With a Skeeter and Scooter voice. Like, she's both Skeeter and Scooter with a little gonzo thrown in. So Lisa finally comes in with her gigantic bags, which, you know, I just always thought that shit had a dog or a little mini horse or some shit in there. But nope, it's paper checks. It's like, oh yeah, here I am. And she whips out a giant wad of checks that she probably spent all week writing.

Please, they were euros. She's like, oh yeah, you can convert them yourselves. These are random things I found in Kim's car seat, darling. She stole all of these from Muhammad's last dinner party. Whoever gets the diamond fork wins. Here, I asked Rocio to give me all her Mexican candy, so I'm paying you in candy this week.

Except for you, Kristen. You know, just for being on this show, I'm giving you one of Pandy's old shirts from kindergarten. Have fun, darling! Here, I'm giving you vouchers to Lisa Vanderpump Sangria. Enjoy. So they start Lisa insinuating herself into shit that's none of her business,

which is the whole season that I love. And she's like, they're talking about the bachelor party. I don't really care. I don't have anything to say about that. Well, it's the thing. It's more that Katie wants to surprise Stassi in Palm Springs. And she's like ready to she's ready to see her. And she's going on and on about when she wants to see her.

So she's going to go. And Lisa's like, drive safely. Ta-ta. She's like, darling, here's what I don't want. I don't want you to be deferential to her. I'm like, that's a really big word to be using around these people. I know that we just saw that Katie can make a sentence on a text. Katie's

like, I'm not deaf. I wouldn't be deferential. Lisa's like, I wonder why no one ever follows my orders because you keep using four syllable words, okay? You can only expect so much from these people. You helped cast them.

She's like, how does she expect us to be deaf And chill at the same time Why would Lisa tell me not to be deaf So Lisa basically is like Darling darling be firm But have an open heart Goodbye So then we go over to Peter's

apartment where Schwartz and Jax and Peter are going to be babysitting the kid from Room which I thought that was a really amazing crossover um it was actually Sarah's kid who is really cute but does look exactly like the kid from Room

and this was our first crucifix sighting I don't know what it is with this show but they're all over the place above the door yes it's it's in a weird place it's like this really pointy crucifix right over the door like if so it's you know like there's a there's a what do you call that at christmas time uh when you're under the mistletoe okay so what do you have to do under the cross like you're you're not supposed to put a freaking Jesus right under the door. What if there's an earthquake? I think it's to remind you, by the way, as soon as you walk out of this apartment, please go to church and repent.

But anyway, the guys, before the kid came over, the guys are all getting drunk because, you know, what better way to be arrested than to get drunk while you're babysitting? Well, no kidding. I mean, my babysitters weren't drunk, but Lord knows, you know, my mom's womb, that whole sack was filled with franzia. And I'm fine. Look at me, just happy and well-adjusted. I don't see the problem. So Schwartz starts talking about the text fight that he had with Katie. And he's like, yeah, man.

He's like, the bubble never stopped for one second, the text fight that he had with Katie and he's like, yeah, man. He's like, the bubble never stopped for one second, the text bubble. And I want everyone to know that it's actually going to be the new name for this show. The bubble never stopped for one second. Poor Siri must be so fucking confused. Siri was having a great time while that was happening.

She's like, I didn't get that. What? All right. Tell Siri just not to be an alcoholic. She's like, okay, I'm calling the phone company. Wouldn't it be great if Siri's voice were in Sheena's voice? Like, could you imagine if your GPS was Sheena's voice? You'd be like, turn left up here.

Turn left. You're supposed to turn left. I can't believe you didn't turn left away from my birthday in two minutes you're gonna make a right oh my god you won't believe what just happened to me like you'll never get anywhere because she won't shut up about her own damn life that reminds me because like two minutes ago i got a text from jack and i was like jacks why are you doing that but I was like oh wait we missed your turn I literally told you to make a U-turn so

so like I'm gonna text your mom and tell her about what you didn't do oh god that almost made me joke on phlegm I stand by every direction I gave you on GPS. And that's me being a bad friend, and I'm sorry. You're just like, hey, I'm just, send a text to Ben's mom and just say, hey, it would be lovely to meet you next time you're back in town.

And she'll change it to be like, well, I'm really worried about Ben because he's getting really fat and really mean and everybody hates him and his boyfriend is trying to ruin my life. No, Siri, that is not what I said. Yes, it is. I'm really worried about Ronnie because he didn't take the suggested routes I provided for him. It's like he doesn't even listen anymore. He's just isolating himself. Look, all right. I'm sorry, Sunthot Text, but I'm not sorry because that was true. It's like that is not what I said. Yes, I'm sorry, sent that text,

but I'm not sorry, because that was true. That is not what I said. Okay, I'm sorry, but I'm not. Siri really has an attitude these days. She actually does, though, in real life. But imagine if you drop your phone. Oh!

I can't believe it. Now I gotta have surgery on my face. You could get a new glass plate put on that thing and it would still come on in the middle of the night like I'm remembering the time that you broke my glass as soon as you turn Siri's voice to Sheena

all of a sudden your phone has giant black glasses where did those come from you're like why is the bottom of my iPhone 6S Plus turning into the size of an iPhone 4? What is happening? It just keeps shaving itself off in the middle of the night. Why does my phone keep shaming me every time I drink something? Okay, you've had nine beers. If you have that shot of tequila, you're an alcoholic

Beer only Hi, my name is Shana I'm not an alcoholic And I'm trying to tell Shana not to be either It's so gross Why does my bedroom suddenly have all these giant photos of my phone up? This wasn't here before Where did this paint a canvas of my iphone come from

there's so many beautiful things happen on this show this scene the guys are getting drunk um tom number two calls he's talking about the mean text and he's like she's like katie's like i don't know like a a Shakespeare of texting. Really? Really? Shakespeare of mean texting. Shakespeare is not happy about that. No. I mean, so far you guys have run all over Jesus and Shakespeare, and we're only in scene two.

Have some respect, cast of Emperor's. Meanwhile, you know who I bet was really angry during this scene of them, like, playing around with the kid? Jax, because Tom was wearing the queen. And Jax is the head queen of this group. Okay, go ahead. That's true. I was going to say it's Ariana, because she takes children's parties very seriously. Like, playtime is important to her.

Okay. I've, like, taken classes for children's parties for a decade. So, like, most of the kids that i started partying with are like in high school now so like i'm sorry four-year-old child but i was kind of doing bouncy castles first on vanderpump rules so i really would appreciate it if you checked with me before you did playtime i have not seen so many people walk around in really terrible mervyn's closed i guess since mervyn's was open is that is that still a thing mervyn's i. I guess since Mervin's was open. Is that still a thing? Mervin's?

I'm sure somewhere. Stassi's got to be getting those clothes somewhere. Yeah. Christian Stassi arriving in Palm Springs. Mervin design team. And Stassi's like, oh my god, look, Palm Springs. It's hot and there's so many

old people. Who does that? Like, I don't see a single spring or a palm. This is what you people would look like if you didn't get free surgery from Jax's friend, okay? Like, take a look around the golf course, darling. Meanwhile, Kristen's like, we have such a strong team in Palm Springs. Me, Rachel, Stassi, Vodka. I'm like,

are they playing dodgeball, and is everyone trying to dodge them all? Is that what the team is for? View 3 in this old town was hilarious. People ask why anybody goes to Palm Springs. Someone asked that on Facebook, and I think that that's a valid question, because whenever we talk about it, I I'm like fuck that place

it's hot as hell blah blah blah we go on the reason is because at night it's not hot it's nice and cool and it is gorgeous the desert is gorgeous that is not a place to be going if you've already got too much sun Kristen yeah I think really was jealous of the

girls because I really wanted to go to an Airbnb in Palm Springs because it's so much fun. But so they get there and I love Stassi's having these like bombshell revelations of self-reflection. She's like, I used to be the one who decided who is going on a trip or not. And now I'm the one that people literally stay home to avoid. I'm just sneaking off to the bathroom so i can look in the mirror and just say like this is my fucking birthday fuck you if you don't like it leave fucking hawaii okay like i've just got to keep it in sight so like i am literally gonna go to sherman's deli where no one knows me

and tell everyone to go fuck themselves because i can't do it with my friends anymore next time it's my birthday i'm looking at the horoscope that time it's my birthday, I'm looking at the horoscope that says it's your birthday and I'm going to be like, that's right, you stupid bitch. It is my birthday. Get the fuck off my newspaper. I'm going to go find Suzanne Somers

somewhere in this godforsaken hot city and I'm going to tell her, get the fuck out of my city. This is my city now and I decide who lives here. Stassi is hilarious. When did people lose pride in being a sociopath? I mean, to have zero feeling, that has got to feel good.

I mean, I guess I'm contradicting myself. No, she's going to get back to that place. She's just eating all her humble pie now, and I guarantee next season she's going to be back at the top of the roost. It'll be fantastic. I'm sorry, but i'm eating humble pie because like i'm jobless right now so i'm eating whatever pie is in front of me okay so fuck off it's my birthday i hope you die get out of hawaii um so then the girls just like gabbing and then

back at sir lala and james were having a conversation and they were back to being civil to each other and and Lala's like, who's that random basic you brought to the beach? Who's the random basic? I like random and basic. Like, they're the same thing, basically. Well, also Lala doesn't realize. Who's the basic basic you brought? Well, Lala doesn't realize

she's kind of a random basic herself. How dare you? She's not random. Have you heard how she can speak so eloquently on the phone? How dare you? She is reading Ayn Rand these days. She's not random. Have you heard how she can speak so eloquently on the phone? How dare you? She is reading Ayn Rand these days. She is not random or basic. She is deliberate and advanced.

She's reading a book about architects. I broke out there for a moment, but I think you said architects. Oh, that's how she said it. She's like, I'm reading books now. I'm reading this one by Ayn Rand. It's about architects. It's about this woman

named Anne who ran somewhere. That's why her name is called Anne Rand. She ran. She ran. Anne ran somewhere and she got there. It's like a really compelling story. So good. So Lala tells James, she's like a really compelling story so good so so lala tells james she's like james you like love kristin you're trying to get her jealous like you should

be a big boy babe babe be a big boy and like take it to dinner babe take it to baby he's like yeah i guess that's a good good idea and he's like lala killing the game while you're killing the game and ariana's, I heard that. I'm offended. I did not hear a yes and, okay? And I take it very seriously. I have to give props to our favorite setting of the season, which is the refrigerator. Doing great work in season four great work they're like okay la la pretend you're talking on the phone okay now go stand in front of the schedule by that

janky ass refrigerator where there's a nanny cam okay meanwhile over at the bar we had our traditional this happens at least once a season if not many more times a traditional scene of tom sandoval telling jack that he goes out of his way to impugn his character and jack says no i don't even talk about you and then we see a flashback of jack's talking shit about tom i mean it just makes me feel warm and fuzzy i don't like when you like like you think all i talk about is my band you literally just talked about your band right now dude like you're literally talking about your band, dude. Right now. What?

I'm just saying, like, I don't have to talk about my band all the time and our new song and, you know, like, the name of my band. Like, you know, I was telling the guys in the band the other day, like, I don't even talk about us. To be fair, Tom could be like, oh, I just cut my finger. I need to put on a band-aid. And Jax would be like, there you go again on the band-aid. I mean, oh, we get it.

Dude. So then Lisa's like, I'm sorry I can't find all the checks scattered in my purse because Jax has been so anti-rubber bands, darling. It's just things are falling everywhere. So then we went back to Palm Springs where we saw an

oddly disturbing image of Kristen rubbing a cauliflower with a wooden spoon. She was like applying marinade with a wooden spoon. And the way she was like molesting the cauliflower with it and knowing it was Kristen, it oddly made me feel strange. Kristen is like a mean spirited Kimmy Schmidt. Like she's been locked in some basement or something for her entire life. And she's just gotten out. So she's she gonna fuck and drink everything she can see she's like yeah drinking in the morning like yeah like you are 40 did you not go to high school i mean i'm gonna go past there because i know the answer is no but still you you made some effort at some point, didn't you? You've been laid before, right? She's like, I'm free.

Meanwhile, Stassi is again having another realization. She's like, I'm finally realizing that, like, me and Kitty, like, aren't friends anymore. Like, it's weird. We're, like, not friends. Like, I wasn't there for the engagement. It's, like, really hard. Like, we used to be really close. And, like, now I'm not even allowed to, like, send emojis to these people.

What? She said that like who is blocking that's because the emojis from stassi it's like a new app i have to block really stupid emojis well to be fair like every emoji that stassi probably sends is like a knife like knife i've blocked all the knives and also I've blocked all the tequila bottles and the fireball emoji so that Shay can't be an alcoholic over text anymore should we check in with Stassi's podcast and hear

what she's been talking about lately um yes do you have it pulled up yes you're literally chic as fuck Ben so um she has 215 um reviews on her podcast and holy crap she's been doing it for like six months and we have been doing it for four years and she has almost half as many as we do i'm sad that's like being impressed when your daughter sells the most girl scout cookies but you the president of the bank and your wife is the principal of the school

or some shit where everybody's buying Girl Scout cookies. That ain't fair. Well, the name of their episode, this episode is Das and Christina Kelly have a weird day. So let's hear what they are talking about on... Hear me? But like we're not going to Melrose. We're on

Melrose. So just like tell me what address I put into the Uber thing because I just like want to make sure like we can finally get to where we're going it's now been an hour and he's like oh no I know so I'm watching him go in the opposite direction that we should be going in I'm like but you're no you were so annoyed he's got the scene of Siri no the funny thing is we make fun of this but it's like not that far removed from our podcast. I know.

I think we literally just talked about this. Yeah. Okay. And now let's see. Let's go a different part of the podcast. We're literally on Melrose. Like a knife. You were so mad.

That shit at night. Like my mouth waters when I think about it. I don't think about like any other alcohol the way I do about red wine. And it's just so bad for psoriasis. So I'm just drinking it. Quote of the week. I don't think about anything the way I think about red wine. It's just so bad for psoriasis.

Oh, my God. I hope that Kristen isn't listening to this. She'll be like, I wish you would have told me that before you slept on my couch with bottles of wine. Seriously? Seriously? God, I've got spit on my door and psorias slept on my couch with bottles of wine. Seriously? Seriously? God, I've got spit on my door and psoriasis on my couch. I can't win. I can understand why.

He hates it. He gets so mad at me. He's like, can you just not? I don't want to think of you like that. I'm like, well, then just don't think of me when I say, like, what? Doesn't everybody say that? I guess not. I guess ladies don't say that.

So I've been trying not to say it. Psoriasis? Sorry. I did almost shit my pants when I found out that Kate Hudson's line of active wear, Fabletics, was one of my new sponsors. Because Ashley, I, and Jade, who just got married. Jade's the one that got married. You met her. You don't even know.

You met the one who got married. got married you met her you don't even know you met the one who got married christina's like pretending that she's not cutting her thighs in jealousy she's like what married somebody's married what i don't remember who what how unimportant is she and whoever is at kate hudson's line of activewear podcast you should also advertise for us Line of active wear. Fabletics. We should advertise Anastasi's podcast. We should also advertise for us. Fabletics. Okay, these are your people, Fabletics.

Kate Hudson's like, find me the dumbest bitches you can possibly find me. Find me people who are going to be fascinated by the word Fabletics. You know what we want to do? We want to align our brand with two of the worst people in pop culture. You know what we want to do? We want to align our brand with two of the worst people in pop culture. I just want to find people who speak English by mashing words together stupidly to make my brand make sense. Oh, my God.

Vanderpump Rules has a podcast? Call them. Oh, my goodness. So anyway, so back to the show. Oh, poor Kate. You'll never be Goldie Hawn Hudson. Meanwhile, Kate Hudson is airlifting Fabletics over my apartment right now. It's the one time of the year MJ closes her window. She's like, if I have to listen to that Fabletics plane.

I like the Fabletics helicopters coming overhead. So, okay. So, anyway, Palm Springs. So, Katie is still wearing her smock. She shows up, surprises them. Stassi starts to cry. And I wrote down, why is it so satisfying to see Stassi cry? Is this when she's talking to Katie?

Well, this is when Katie walks in and Stassi's like, we need to talk. And Katie, you gotta love Katieie this is her delivery of her line what's up bitches come on really that's it it's probably she's probably just hot because she's in palm springs and still wearing that stupid scarf so then katie and stassi sit down and katie opens up the conversation in the most useless way. She's like, well, I was thinking about when I wanted to have this conversation. And, like, I didn't want to have it at my place. I didn't want to have it at your place.

I didn't want to have it at Pump. And I was thinking about, like, maybe going to Starby's. And I was like, no, I don't want to have it there. And then I was thinking about, like, when I go to Froyo. And I was like, no, I don't want to have it there. And then I was thinking, like, why don't we go to a road trip to Vegas? Like, no, I don't want to have it there. No, I don't want to have it there.

No, I don't want to have it there. I was like, Katie, no one cares where you want to have the conversation. Katie, I don't want to have it there. No, I don't want to have it there. I was like, Katie, no one cares where you want it. Katie's such an idiot. I love, because how she was framing all of this, she's like, well, I didn't want to go to the Cheesecake Factory because you don't deserve it. Like, you don't deserve that. Okay? You don't deserve me ruining my gigantic

chicken Navajo bread sandwich, okay? Like, you're not ruining my fried bread sandwich, Stassi. Like, you've put me through enough, so. I was thinking about how you do Qdoba grill, but I was like, you don't deserve that. You don't deserve that. I was gonna take you on one of those carriage rides through the park, but then I was like, oh my god,

she so doesn't deserve a horse for this. Like, she doesn't deserve that. I was gonna, like, talk to you while I was getting my oil changed at Valvoline, but I thought, no, you don't deserve that. Stassi trying to pretend to cry was making me laugh so hard. She was like... Like, her whole face was squeezing.

She was in that Hulk into the changing mode. Tray of onions on her lap, yeah. You know what, though? You know what, though? Let's give it to Katie, because, you know what? Katie was having her moment. She was raking Stassi over the coals and she was enjoying it and that's all she wanted to do because

then Stassi was like, this is the way I cope. I like, you know, I cut people out and I'm like working on that. It's not good. I need to like not do that and I did it to you and I work on that so much because I think about everything that we missed. So Stassi goes on and on and Katie's like, too little, too late, which you know thatie was waiting to do and stassi's like

okay she says too little too late but this is the woman who is still gonna marry a loser with no job that she sat around waiting years and years to propose to her that bought like a tinfoil ring that he got free from a friend in return for a scene with a tiny little gay cake at Vanderpump I mean come on now yeah but you know what though you got you know Katie you know she's been waiting a long time to have Stassi grovel to her she got her groveling so I just don't believe it because no one shows up to a street fight in a mom scarf like you're totally showing solidarity with stassi by dressing like a mom right now there is no accident that you showed up in lens craft or

cvs reading glasses in a bun katie like she totally came to get right back on the train yeah and good for her you know but yeah she had to make stassi fake cry and now she's doing that thing like she does with tom too like she's ever gonna leave tom too which is the other hilarious thing she just yells and acts abusive and then later she's like sorry but like that's how i was feeling so like i was mad so like i made you talk about it 20 times well you know shea amber one of our listeners shea amber 21 seconds ago like it's almost like she could hear our podcast she says the standards katie holds stassi to are crazy considering she's marrying a man that has openly cheated on her multiple times no kidding thank you what a way to say what i was saying in a nice one sentence structure which is a good time

to plug our twitter at what crap is many followers please follow us um yeah i'm gonna start doing it more i live tweeted vanderpump rules last night, and I had so much fun just talking to people on the old Twitter. I didn't do it from What Crappens, but I retweeted a couple of them just so people would see what we were doing. But, yeah, I'm going to start. Typical old person. I'm like, oh, that's Twitter. I just love when Sheena voice creeps into everything now. So back at the home base, Jax, someone asked Jax to make a Metropolitan.

He's like, uh, too hard. Which, I don't know, I wrote that down for some reason. It's just an oath. Like, you seriously want a Metropolitan? He was all confused. Yes, Jax. Jax hates to muddle. Yeah.

Which is so funny because he's the liar. He's the one muddling up every issue and he just won't muddle in real life. Like, do your goddamn job. I see you riding around this neighborhood in your big ass tiny penis car, even though you've got a giant penis, I'm sure of it. Well, Jax's least favorite vowel is you. As in, he only thinks about me, not you. So Lisa starts giving schwartzy advice about the katie situation and she's like darling sometimes you just have to be there for her that's

what you have to be all katie needs is for you to listen listen lisa if anybody actually starts listening to katie they will commit suicide you think he's gonna marry her if he actually knew what the hell he's she's saying the only reason he he's even still there is because she makes the bed every day and she doesn't make him listen katie's big advice to tom schwartz this season so far has been give up your dreams that was her big advice don't well i mean to be fair she is walking through a gigantic empire full of broken ones that's true i mean i think once you start wearing a smock and a scarf then your dreams have pretty much been dashed yeah katie's dreams were officially over when she shot an entire scene holding a salt and

pepper tray you are just a person on the internet i swear to god no one's seen more broken dreams than someone who's hired this many waiters lisa knows she's like darling it's not gonna work you're fat all right be nice to katie dollar all right time i know people do need to be nice to katie because she is a broken dream yeah so um meanwhile so this was interesting to me. Jax starts talking about Stassi and how Stassi is working her way back into the group. And he says he's afraid that Stassi will turn

everyone against him, which I think is great because we have actually forgotten that the pillars of Vanderpump Rules really were Stassi and Jax. I mean, season one and two, I mean, they were the central relationship.

Season one, they were this awful relationship. Season 1, they were this awful couple. They finally break up, and Season 2 is their terrible breakup and occasional getting back together. Everything came from the pillars of Stassi and Jax. Now they were the central ones. They've sort of been pushed to the

side a little bit. Not that much, but to the side. They were definitely the largest cattle on the farm, and you know everybody's all you know envious of your cows and then eventually you milk one to death and the other one you skin make into a chair and you're like well at least it's still a good looking chair but then it starts getting like stained it's missing a leg and people just keep the chair inside sometimes it doesn't matter how many cows had to die it's time to get rid of the cow clear the cows well i'm excited because to me this is like foreshadowing the the next season which is

stassi will be back in the fold she'll be running shit and she'll be turning everyone against jacks and uh i think that'll be highly entertaining i'm like ready i'm hoping that's what happens because i'm ready for that but she's not gonna come back well first i heard she of course she'll come back but um i don't think she'll come back as a waiter i think if she would come back she would have to come back as i don't know like a shift manager or something like i told you to like seriously like i've literally told you 20 times to like literally marry your ketchup so like I mean that's all I'm saying like so speaking of marriage Katie and she knows

I'm sorry Katie and Stassi are still talking and Stassi's talking about like not being at being there to see the engagement and Katie said something I don't know what I forget the context of it but she goes I'm just a big fat loser like well yeah oh why did she say that she said it because she's i'm just a big fat loser i'm like well yeah oh why

did she say that she said it because she's like well i didn't want stassi like she was like uh i don't remember i hate when i write down notes and it looks like i remember writing down the note like oh my god i can't wait to talk about this and now i'm looking at it like why was that funny oh i don't even remember her saying that i felt i always feel bad for katie i don't even remember her saying that. I always feel bad for Katie. I don't know why. She was saying that Stassi was going to make her feel like a big fat loser. Oh, I see. Well, you know. Then Stassi comes back dressed like a mom. You see? It all worked out.

Hugs. Mediocre hugs. We're equal in our mediocrity. Hugs. So now Sheena. So of course. It's all about Sheena at the end of the day Sheena's upset because she thinks that Katie is going to go back to the dark side

aka with Stassi and Kristen which is probably true and now Sheena's like now I miss Ariana oh god Katie was my new Ariana and now like she's not even hanging out with me and now I'm like oh my god like now who's going Katie was my new Ariana, and now, like, she's not even hanging out with me, and now I'm like, oh, my God, like, now who's going to be my new Ariana, like? Who's going to teach me about sketch comedy?

So, then there's, like, this. I forgot glasses. and then meanwhile then there's like this awful public domain music and it's like you and me oh oh oh we could be oh oh oh oh good only a vanderpump rules song would feature a song saying you and me are three giant zeros and like have it not be ironic this was my favorite part of the show Because it's just this little tiny part Of Ariana still trying to ice Lala out But Lala's not having it And she's like hey I just got off the phone

With like a reservation So what are you like doing And Ariana says I don't know she was working behind the bar And she's like well why aren't your tits all out And she goes oh no that's That's just what people say Like the ones who are always staring at your rack are the shittiest tippers.

And Lala's like, well, you need to get better tits. What the hell, people? Okay, the ones staring at your tits are the cheap ones. But the ones who aren't staring at your tits are the ugly ones who are pretending not to stare at your tits because they poe. Yeah. Okay. Well, I like that when Ariana told Lala that, like, you know, you don't want to show too much cleave, that Lala looked at her like she was crazy.

Like, what? What? You don't want to show too much cleave? Did you mean you want to show way too much cleave? That's what you meant, right? She's like, how do you make it in this town without a resume? Like, how do you even get a job? Yeah.

I also, like, for some reason, I wrote a note about Lisa Vanderpump counting 17 flowers. I don't know why I wrote that down. It's just like one of these strange, strange things they put into this show. You could write that down at any moment and it would probably be happening on the show. I know. Darling, what? Okay, 16, 17. All right.

Let's do it again. Darling, this giant pot I had flown in from Taipan is off an inch. You moved this. Don't have it moved back. So back over in Palm Springs, Sheena is still throwing a pity party for herself because Ariana stopped being friends with her because Sheena was being a bitch to her.

Sheena's like, I can't believe that Ariana is being a bitch to me with everything that's happening in our lives this summer i'm like well you shouldn't have like texted ariana's mom and said that ariana was being a bitch that's why she's being a bitch to you well i said i'm sorry and i'm sorry i said i'm not sorry because i'm really sorry about not being sorry even though i'm not really sorry okay so like your boyfriend's an asshole so deal with that i can't believe ari Ariana's not here for me to mend with her while everyone else is mending. I feel so left out of the mending circle. You guys, I just found out that it's not really better.

I can't believe it's not better. Like, I thought Fabio was my new Ariana, and he's, like, been lying to me this whole time. It's all a crock. It's like a country crock. We have officially been talking too much. We're absolutely nuts right now. We just keep laughing like idiots. I think I'd like to have one of each of the prime country crocks.

I think I'm going to just try one of each of the prime cocktails. Shay will have like half of one each because he's not an alcoholic. I'm having too much fake butter. So Katie forgives. Katie forgives and everybody's friends. And then they have a shot of these three stupid women back together again. It's like Satan and his horse face brigade. Yeah. Standing at the gates of hell.

I know Lord of the Rings, the three writers. So, so meanwhile, over in LA, Ariana and Lisa Vanderpump are talking and Lisa Vanderpump is, I think she's trying to like, trying to facilitate Ariana, not being totally cut out by theump is I think she's trying to like trying to facilitate Ariana not being totally cut out

by the group and so she's basically saying like maybe you haven't given your friends enough time or attention and Ariana's like what are they babies they're like babies she's very serious about baby sketch comedy listen

I've studied sketch comedy for like a decade. So, I mean, a baby, like they haven't even been able to take a class because they're like too young because they're babies. So, like I get offended when babies like, I don't know, laugh. Gross. Like I was raised watching Look Who's Talking. Okay. So, I take baby comedy very seriously. So, if they're just just gonna be babies but not funny

like that's offensive to me speaking of babies darling jack got me a little toy do you know where he got this from it's like a little rattly bottle thing why would he give me that he's like stealing from the babysitting job thanks for the bail money uh Here's a key rattle Big plastic keys that rattle Thank you, darling So then, back in Palm Springs Again, all the girls are having fun And Sheena's already being like She's like making herself the outcast

On purpose, that way she can complain about being the outcast And Stassi is already Getting back to work Shading Sheena, she's like We can all be friends like seriously calm down it's not like i stabbed your baby in the face like she said she said some sassy thing like she does it's not like i cut off your leg and like shoved it in your ear and then like gave you a penis cut it off and shoved it in your mouth and waited for you to poop it out and then like picked it up with

the dog bag and threw it in the recycle bin i mean come on i know and meanwhile like so she and katie are like besties again and katie's like this isn't wow like it isn't real it's real it's like it doesn't rock shut up katie you know poor sheena i know that sheena probably really is terrified and she should be but you can't blame katie because no matter how evil Stassi has been in the past anything beats having to listen to Stassi's bullshit stories about her terrible relationship that she drones on about hours at it you know she calls those girls like well she and I are like so in love but like if there's something you understand I mean those are in your prime condo

I mean she's probably like I don't even care if Stassi fucking hits me in the face next time I see her. I'm hanging out with Stassi again. Yeah. So now we go over to Koreatown where James is having dinner with his mom. James, so they sit down and the waitress comes over and it's just awful. He's like, oh, darling. Hello, darling. I'm going to have some fish and chips, babe.

I'm like, you don't know this woman. Stop calling her darling. Such a sexual harasser. I love it. He's either sexually harassing because he's totally a misogynist or he's just gay. I mean, everyone says he's gay. I don't necessarily get the gay vibe from him. But who else walks around saying

darling i mean that's crazy i do but i mean who else in real life does that and i do it in phantom voice so it's different yeah well he pretty much has phantom voice so darling uh this scene was mom's like i'll have an entire bottle of wine you know i'm a dirty bitch yeah this this scene really um shone the light on a lot of things like everything made sense as to why why james likes kristin and he even said it himself it's just like my mom because she's drunk every day yeah you know she'll only listen to me after i've spit on the door she said fuck off to me over lunch or i say fuck off to her over lunch fuck off you basic bitch mother so he he talks to her the way he talks to kristin and she talks to him the way kristin talks to him

because at one point so when she starts to get mad at him when he tells her that he got fired from being a pump dj and she starts to get mad he's like calm down calm down a little bit calm down a little bit that's your mother this is this is james's origin story this is like the leftover season two where you suddenly start understanding everybody and why they're acting this way this is his origin story in one scene he's calling he's saying fuck you to his mom she's she's calling herself a dirty bitch then he said you're like kristin and then she gets mad that's when she gets mad she hates kristin and then he likes girls who hit other girls yeah then he gets in trouble for being drunk at work and she goes oh my god you showed up for work drunk like who made you do that like why did that happen kristen like it's someone else's fault

he was drunk it's not his fault for being drunk like what kind of mother are you i mean obviously this is the same like this is the same thing that Kristen would always do, which was she would rather go after the girl in a situation than the guy doing something wrong. And so then the mom's like, yeah, I've never seen her without a drink in her hand. And then James goes, you don't want to talk, you basic bitch. She goes, have some respect.

It's Kristen. His mom is Kristen. Yeah, you have earned none of that lady she's horrible like when he gets sad and and i feel for him now it worked it's like leftovers season two i'm telling you watch it if you haven't watched it it's so good and it made me like james again i mean not leftovers but this relating that to this god i've just made this show so much better in my mind. I like how James told his mom that he's going to dinner with Kristen. And she's like, are you fucked? What?

Oh, bitch, you got me fired. Is that what you're going to say? He's like, yes. It really is like Kristen. It's so crazy how much she's like Kristen. I like when he prioritized his life. He's like, here's what I need to do, mother. All right?

I need to get in shape. I need to get a big old body. And then I need to get some money. Like he's all these shitty things. And he's like, and then I need to make an effort in my career. And then I need to get my job back. I'm like, whoa, your priorities are crazy right now. Here's technically what he said.

He goes, I got a plan. Quit alcohol. Get super fit. Massive six pack. At which the mom's like, yeah. Get my job back at Pump. Kill the album. And then she's like, yeah.

And then get a massive thing of Calvin Klein underwear, baby. I was like, what is this relationship? Your mother dreams of you in your tidy whiteys on a billboard in Times Square. Is anything grosser? This is gross. This is like that movie where that kid had sex with his mom and then they hated each other after, but she was still kind of in love with him. Monkey something. What was that movie?

The first David O. Russell movie. Spanking the Monkey. Yeah. Creepy. She's like, oh, my leg's broken. And then she bones her son. All I hope is that this mother doesn't break her leg. Well, here's to hoping. I'm looking up here.

So then the episode ends in the most boring way possible, which is Tom and Katie talking. It's like, bubba, you know, you're crazy. Well, you have to have my back. You're crazy when you text. I don't know. But you need to have my back. I didn't feel like you had my back but you were saying crazy things i was saying this but i love you i love you katie typical katie yeah but you like said you wanted to fucking kill me and like if you were if you were pregnant you'd like stab our baby in the face with a fork like what the hell katie and she's like yeah but i just said that because

like i was hurting because you, like, hurt me. It's his fault. It's all, at the end of the day, it's all his fault. And he's like, okay, Bubba, but I'm glad that, you know, we've got some love between us. And it's literally the dog sitting between them. Oh, sadness. And this is the second time we saw a crucifix. I don't even know where this was, but there was another crucifix.

And I just wrote, does Jesus, like, has Jesus not gone through enough? Like, he died. He went through all of this shit to die for our sins. And now he has to watch Vanderpump Rules on top of it. I mean, leave the guy alone. I know. But it was amazing in that scene when Tom was like, was Stassi in here? He smelled her.

He smelled her orbits and her Febreed dress that she's worn every day for the past month. Yeah. Wow, a good episode. Good times. I love it. And I like that we had so much more time to talk about it. That means next Thursday will be a full-on 20 hours about Real Housewives of Beverly Hills featuring Faye's greatest quotes from her book

Red is Faye Red is our terrible impersonations of Faye You sure look pretty today though So we want to thank Brandon and Craig again for coming on to our goofy little podcast We want to thank our listeners for

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