Watch What Crappens - #273: Beaching and Moaning

Episode Date: March 9, 2016

Grab your thongs and tongs because we're headed to the glamorous beaches of Delaware! Come join us as we chat about the "Real Housewives of Potomac" cast trip to fancy Bethany Beach where the only thing hotter than the sand are the tempers — at least when it comes to twin beds. Before that, we go off on the latest prison updates on "Real Housewives of Atlanta" and also check in on "Top Chef" where toast is all the rage! Plus, we watch the new "Shahs of Sunset" trailer and open up the Crappens Mailbag! Here are the time codes: 00:00:00 - Intro 00:06:55 - Shahs of Sunset preview 00:24:18 - Crappens Mailbag 00:39:06 - Real Housewives of Atlanta 01:16:06 - Top Chef: California 01:3824 - Real Housewives of Potomac Thanks for listening! Support us at patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens Follow us at facebook.com/watchwhatcrappens Visit us at watchwhatcrappens.com See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.Our Patreon Extras: https://patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about. I'm Ben Mandelker from bsideblog.com and the Banter Blender podcast, which I swear I will resurrect someday. One of these days. I just like to think it's on hiatus we're starting the new season soon and joining me as always is not Chewbacca but actually that's actually our Sheena voice

that's Chewbacca right? there's a fine line between sheena and chewbacca yeah just in general in life um the general muppet family yeah along with bluto who i also just referenced in our bonus episode bluto from labyrinth so basically the frank oz spectrum right miss piggy sheena chewbacca i don't. A little Henson puppet shop there to open the show. Star Wars nerds are so mad at me that I'm saying Frank Oz at his voice. But anyway, joining me, that is the wonderful,

the happy, the lovely, but perhaps the not couch-desked Ronnie Karam from TrashTalkTV.com. Hi, Ronnie. Well, hello, Ben. And you're correct. I'm in a desk desk today. Wow. Not on the couch desk. It's bizarre.

It's a little weird. It feels uncomfortable. It does? No, just kidding. Girl, I'm getting old. I can't be laying on a couch all day anymore on my back. I can't even walk anymore. What if there was a fire and I had to run away? I wouldn't be able to do it. Yeah. On my couch, I have a problem that if I'm on the sheds part of the couch because i got that little sheds thing and if i fall asleep i start to slide down it and then my

neck is in this certain position that if i doze off like somehow the angle of my neck and whatever it is it causes me sometimes to like accidentally inhale saliva and i'll like wake up gasping for air choking it's the worst so i have worst oh my god that's an awful commercial for a couch I'm glad they're not our sponsors I know the couch works against me sometimes anyway this is Watch for Crappins and you can

you can go to watchforcrappins.com and find our social media links which is really fun and then you can follow us at facebook.com forward slash watchforcrappins join in on the conversation. We have close to 7000 followers on that Facebook page. And just a lot of people are highly engaged and they are writing stuff all the time and posting things and commenting. And it's really funny. And it's a great way to continue the conversation outside of the podcast. So definitely go there there like it if you haven't liked it yet and of course you can support us

on patreon.com forward slash watch what crappens that's p-a-t-r-e-o-n and uh you get access uh to things like a bonus episode we do a full bonus episode that's usually anywhere between half an hour to an hour of extra content every week so you get access to that which is really fun we do ringtones we just did it we just had a bonus episode where we talked about yolanda's lyme disease we talked about oj we've been talking about oj every week mostly we read phase quotes from her book yeah Yeah. We looked at DJ James Kennedy's music video. And we talked about Kim Kardashian's nude photo. Spoiler alert. Reverse blue painted.

Yes. Blue Men Group have nothing to worry about. Reverse smurfed. Yes. And then at the very end, I started splooging about Mad Max. Splooging blue Paint Hunter DJ James Kennedy. Wow, you sure know how to get some subscribers. Yeah.

Everyone, come listen to that. But you can also get access to ringtones and a once-a-month hangout. So that's that. Yay! Yay! But you know what? What, Ben? You know what?

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I can't believe they're making me read magazines right now. It's really hard. If you weren't drunk, like you only had beer instead of tequila and beer, you can maybe read these magazines to me about, like, whatever. It's all happening. Speaking of things all happening right now. There's something happening.

There's something happening in the air right now. I can tell. There's something. Because I went down to starbucks today and i got myself a big venti iced coffee which i've saved for this moment because i'm gonna drink it and drink it hard and get hyper on the podcast okay everyone i've got a jug of water and on my way back i knew that there had to be a new Shaz of Sunset trailer because I saw the one and only MJ walking her dogs on the sidewalk in front of my building. Tell me about her leggings because I know they were loud and I know she was wearing them. Well, first I was like, who is this woman with the gigantic boobs?

And then I was like, oh, it's MJ taking the dogs for a stroll because she has a new chihuahua. It's like L.A.'s version of a boulder or like one of those snow things that gets out of control. What are they called? Turns into a little snowball and it turns into a giant. Abominable snowman? No. No, the ball, the giant ball. The little snowball.

That's a little snowball. And then it gets bigger and bigger as it goes down the hill. Oh, it snowballs. It's like the LA version of snowballs. MJ's boobs coming towards you on the sidewalk. They get bigger and bigger and you know you're going to get crushed and probably die. Her boobs and her butt.

She had on a periwinkle kind of top thing and some short shorts. Periwinkle is so Persian. So Persian. Periwinkle is so Persian. So Persian. Periwinkle is so Persian. White people wear like blue. But like Persians wear like Periwinkle. Like that's so Persian.

Like homegirl loves her Periwinkle. Like don't get between her and some Periwinkle. So I was like, oh, it's MJ. Like no makeup. This was like full on raw MJ. Her dog, whichever one of the two dogs that survived, which one was it? She has, like, Pablo and the other one.

I don't know, Milu. One of them died. The one that's alive, oh, he's so cute. He has, like, a little broken leg. He was, like, limping around with, like, a little bandage on his leg. It was adorable. You know she bought him at, like, the Beverly Center or something. It's, like, one of those little shoebox stocks they charge you a thousand dollars for and they got all these problems

it's true so uh there's really not much to report except that i just i saw her and it made me happy to know that she's still across the street dumb girls have sick dogs you were in here first this just in mj where's periwinkle has new dog going on TMZ so we heard that MJ this is our TMZ TMJ which is also a jaw syndrome girl loves to use her jaw.

That's so Persian. That's so Persian. Like, only Persians hurt their jaws. Like, white people, they never use their jaws because white people don't eat. But Persians, we like to put in hella yellow rice into our mouths. So we always hurt our jaws. That's so Persian. White people get TMJ.

And Persian people get TMJ the network, okay? TMJ and Persian people get TMJ the network okay we get TMP as in that's my Persian so anyway but this is all this is all just a wind up to say

that there is a new Shazza Sunset Trail in fact Sunday night I believe was the first time the promo had aired where we saw this promo with Reza and Mike acting all like bros that have been reunited. Did you see that? Oh, that's every season of this show. They're like, oh, remember when I tried to ruin your life last year

and ruin your reputation and get you kicked out of Los Angeles? Whatever. It's a new year. Well, it looks like this year they're coming back together again. Yeah, it is. Reza always isolates one person and then brings them back the next year.

That's what he does. It looks like Gigi's getting stabbed in the face or some shit this year. Good lord, these people. That's usually what she is. So let's play the trailer and we'll talk our way through it.

It's going to be 90 seconds. So if it sounds weird or whatever, just 90 seconds. Here we go. weird or whatever, just 90 seconds. Here we go. All right. One, two. Oh, it's harder. Here we are, bitches.

Can I get a hallelujah? That's so Persian. What is that? A little typical. Oh, MJ has a banana. Oh, of course she has like slimy shit all over her face in the opening. I love that hot shervin is part of the cast now. I'm definitely not there.

What a douchebag. Team gay. We're gonna officiate. What white people do, but we're gonna make it Persian. What's so Persian? Oh, guess what? Asa has a new entrepreneurial endeavor. Who'd have thought?

Moomoo's. Oh god. What's so prussian? Oh guess what, Asa has a new entrepreneurial endeavor. Who'da thought? This guy actually makes the guy from last year look classy. They're all on a yacht, putting cake in each other's faces. They're worst of times. Oh, oh! Someone just put cake in Asa's hair. Oh god, Jessica, she gets worse every season. She actually makes you careful.

That's so personal. That's so once again sitting in front of fire. That's so personal. Oh, it looks like they're fighting at a boot camp. Why is he wearing a t-shirt that makes it look like he has a dog? This is going to be a good f***ing summer. Love you all! My people are together!

Mike and Reza are friends again. Asa goes to Runyon Canyon and tries to pretend that she's not breathing in pure dog shit. So Asa's new project this season is that she's a fashion designer now. She's basically designing Kyle clothes. She is. This will be the one thing that's successful of hers. White people wear muumus.

Persian people wear Asa. Asa sauce. Muumu by Asa. It's like the new hottest thing. Like that's so Persian to do an Asa muumu. White people have muumus. Asa, it's like the new hottest thing, like that's so Persian to do an Asa MUMU White people have MUMUs, Asa has Yuyus Like, Homeboy loves a Yuyu, like move over Yuyus, move over MUMUs, we now have Yuyus Hey, secretary, could you please get the yellow pages and look up Yuyus? Because that's my best friend and I wanna call and say I love you

I'm gonna totally get that girl Lala to model a UU. Get out of my dreams and into my UU, am I right? My favorite car growing up was an Azusa UU. Stupid. I couldn't even make that sound right. That's so Persian to try to make an Azusa joke. This show, I love that mj of course it's like oh look i'm swallowing a banana while there's like slimy glistening residue all over my face come on listen you can't spell residue without reza oh what happened with Gigi? She hurt her hand. She's like

Maybe she had Stab people all the time. Maybe she got into an altercation with another lie detector test giver Slap him in the face when he didn't give her the results that she wanted. When she lied and he said you lied But I want to try it again. No

That's not how it works. What do you mean it's not how it works? Slap. Stupid Gigi. Stupid Gigi. She probably just fell out of bed. Girl, I know so much about her just from having the old periscope on every once in a while. Because she's one of the only people that pops up there.

And it's all the time with Gigi and her. And I'm not complaining. I say it in complaining voice. But it's little manna from heaven following all over the poor people to entertain us. I guarantee this is the season where she is going to be exploiting her rheumatoid

arthritis. Because you know she has that, right? And so she got some tattoo over the past year where she was something like, arthritis won't keep me down. A tattoo that sort of conveys that message. I don't know what it actually says. It's like, no more arthritis or whatever like i'm so over and i'm getting it tattooed i'm getting the name of it tattooed on me forever exactly like let all the arthritis know i'm not standing for you anymore so i wouldn't be surprised this is the year when

she goes yolanda with arthritis although the difference is that I believe if she has her, I believe her arthritis, if that makes sense. I believe her arthritis is real. Have you ever had too much tequila? It's hard to move your joints when you just have a life of drinking tequila and snorting cocaine, okay? It's hard on the joints.

It is very hard on the joints. There will be something legit about that pain. I'll be like, well, yeah, you shouldn't be able to move your hand. You're lucky you can walk down the damn street, Gigi. That's what happens when you spend nine months hooking up with Omid, you know? Everything in your body just dries up and the cartilage hardens and you just get arthritis. Your body's like... Although I still think Omid is so hot.

It's like the ultimate STD. You just have sex and then slowly turn into stone. Well, she must have seen a Medusa somewhere along the way. I'm glad that Shervin is part of the show. I'm glad that Asa is not. I mean, Asifa is not part of the show. Although I think they show it in the trailer. It looked like someone threw cake in her head.

I was going to say, she's there. Someone throws a cake in her head. She's not about time, but she's not a cast member, which is so good. Because she was really one of the worst Bravo stars. Remember last week on the Krappen's Mailbag, someone said, who should we clear? I think she should have been cleared. With her weird-faced husband. Oh, my God.

Bobby with the surgery and the hair implants. Who makes himself look like a garden statue on purpose? Like one of those little garden frog things on people's porches. Yeah, a garden frog. I thought he looked more like a gargoyle. Oh, he was too smooth, though. He's like a pointy piece of stone with a couple of little beady eyes in there. That's awful.

No, I'm on board with the garden frog. Of course, the garden frog. I'm okay with that. I can see. We'll settle on garden frog. Of course not garden frog. I'm okay with that. I can see. We'll settle on garden frog. I'll back off of the gargoyle stance and take on garden frog. So say we all. Because Adrienne Maloof is already the gargoyle in my mind.

Every time I think of her, I think of, I always take pictures in front of people's tacky Beverly Hills homes on that show because. See, I feel like she looks more like a garden frog, honestly, to be fair. You're ruining my entire. Who's going to be like the jockey, like the lawn jockey? Is there anyone who's a lawn jockey?

Peter. Just because I would love to see him greeting me every day when I come home. Holding out his hand with like a little ring. Welcome home. Welcome to Peter's home. I thought you meant Peter from Vanderbilt Rules. I was like, those lawn jockeys don't have mom haircuts, though. No. Who would he be

in the garden, Peter? I think he would be the thing holding the lamp. You know, like there's those garden spikes and you spike them into the ground and they get rusty and stuff, but they're always there and you can change the lamp but that old spike's still there holding somebody else up i feel like kristin katie and stassi would be like a little cluster of pink flamingos like in the corner be like who does i can't believe they walked up the walkway who does that they're each missing like little parts themselves each week another little part goes

missing because they just keep biting each other. They think that they're so hot because they're three pink flamingos, but they don't realize that everyone in the neighborhood hates them. And they're trying to create zoning laws to get them abolished off the lawn. Someone sent a letter to the homeowners trying to get us thrown in the garbage. Who does that? Who does that? Who does that? Sheena would be

a bug zapper. Sheena would just be like, ow, ow, ow, ow. I can't believe these bugs keep flying into me. Oh, man. And they would be that water beetle that somehow gets in there and never dies. It's just like one constant stream of zzzz.

It's like, don't stand on the light. I'm only on the light because of you. There are like too many bugs at one point. So she catches, she gets like a little bit of a fire. I can't believe I'd catch on fire six weeks before my bug zapper wedding. Well, you know, Shae's like totally half burn on his body because he would stop leaning against the electricity i mean it's gross and stuff because i'm like how come you can't just be like kind of burned like why do you have to be so burned you can't walk down the aisle

i just wish he could be his own bug zapper Lala could be a kerosene candle I'm sorry I'm sorry if you don't like my smell, mosquitoes I'm sorry, that's just me I've been trying to fit in But every time I'm lit Nothing will come close to me Not even the bugs

Like, fine It just really taps into this childhood insecurity of this one time when i was invited to a party and then they lit me on fire and then no one wanted to hang out it just like made me burn on the sidewalk waiting for my mom to get there to blow me out even my mom wouldn't let me in the car let. It was hard. Oh my goodness. And then James is the lawn sprinkler who just pops up and just sprays everyone everywhere. But it's always like spraying the wall.

Or it's the one that's like broken and just like draining into the street. And you're like, just fix this thing. How is it broken again? Hey, you basic bitch. Time to get watered. And everyone's like, ew, get away from me. Everyone's like, everyone on the, you basic bitch. Time to get watered. And everyone's like, ew, get away from me. Everyone's like, everyone on the sidewalk's like trying to get away from the spray. They say I got the best spray on the entire block.

All right. People are asking for more of my spray. They ask for it. When do you want me to spray you right in the face, darling? When do you want me to spray you, babe? Take a good look at my spray. It's the last time I get it before I go back into the ground, darling. His sprinkler would just be loogies on doors.

Just be like... It would just be one of those broken sprinklers that's basically just like an arc of water going into the street. Take a good look, you basic bitch. That guy's a run-over fire hydrant. It's leaking. He's leaking. He's like, I'm leaking into the street.

It's in my song. Screaming silently as he leaks into the street. And then Brittany's just like a pinwheel. She's just a pinwheel. I love the braids. Jax upgrades her to a bigger pinwheel. I'm trying to think of something that collects. You know, like, how there's that snail in the aquarium that just goes around the aquarium and collects all the garbage that everybody else leaves behind?

That would be Brittany, but she'd be, like, getting it in her boobs. What's, like, a collecting kind of thing on the front lawn? Something that collects, maybe, like, something that just, like like goes around and and like collect stuff on the lawn maybe it's like one of the maybe it's just like the hummingbird machine and not the machine but the thing oh yeah for the hummingbird it's just pretty and red and it just waits for people to come over and suck on it and make them wear something yeah but then that sort of seems to suggest that jacks is a hummingbird, and that's too pretty for Jax. Well, hummingbirds are beautiful, but they're the roaches in the garden.

They're flying roaches. They're everywhere! She's a birdbath, okay? She just sits there with a whole bunch of stagnant water. Eventually a bird comes around, and you look at it, and theoretically it should be pretty, but really you just know it's just a harbor for disease yeah people shit in it they throw gross ass musty ass rusty coins into it poor britney empty slot darling just waiting to be cleaned and ariana is like a little uh like a gravel pit i take landscaping very seriously she's the gravel driveway when you're driving in the gates opening you just hear tom shorts is just some wind chimes sort of you know pretty sort of useless just getting pushed wherever the wind blows and it's always making noise but it can't tell what song it wants to sing yeah kind of boring

like it's nice that it's there it's nice that's there but you're not actually entertained by it you'd rather watch the bug zapper you'd rather see what would happen if a flamingo got into the bug zapper? Lord help us. Lord help us. Have we even started yet? No, we just went on a run. Well, to start off is, even before the flamingos, we turned it into the cast of Vanderpump Rules as envisioned as lawn ornamentation. Yeah.

We were saying that someone was a lawn frog. Man, speaking like you, Bobby from Shots. We need to get lawns. We're dreaming. We're dreaming big on this show, Ben. Well, maybe this is a good time to do the Krappen's mailbag. we just we just preempt we just preemptively answered the question if the cast of vanderpump rules were law and ornamentation what would they be we just did it for you that is not true no oh my god that wasn't a question like wow we did it okay thank you we'll see you next week yeah

no uh emily laird asks how did how did you decide on the name Watch What Crap Bins for the podcast? I think I came up with it. I don't want to be narcy. You're so good with names. I seem to remember being in my garage, the car in my garage, and thinking Watch What Crap Bins. And I did it. My God, this title was born in a garage, Ben. Jesus Christ. Appropriately enough.

Just feet from MJ. I was on MJ level. Oh, the parking garage. I'm picturing you like with your dad tinkering with a motor or something. Oh, no, no. It was just downstairs. I remember being my Toyota Camry. But I think that's no it was just downstairs i remember being my Toyota Camry um uh but i think that's what it was and i actually looked up on gmail uh i tried to find the early instance uh

earliest instance of crappins and it was not announced over email so we don't have an official documentation but it was january 9th 2012 when i sent out an email email to you and Matt Whitfield, our former co-host, saying, hey, what do you guys think about the name Watcher Crappins? Ronnie and I are into it. What about you, Matt? Or something like that. Yeah, I love that name. Yeah, that's the origin.

So, oh, but how did we come up with it? I think it was just at that time, previously, I had hosted a web series called Housewife Hoedown, which is all about the real housewives. And we knew we wanted to... When that was cancelled and the three of us had talked about doing a podcast, we knew we wanted to expand it from Beyond Housewives to All of Bravo.

And it was just a pun. Watch what happens. Why not watch what crap happens? Yeah, you're always good with titles. Yeah. Megan Bailey wants to know, Ben, baby, will you please reenact your reaction to Rinna's free croissant offer for us? Oh, so this is cool.

Last week on Watch What Crappens, I had a random soliloquy about how I felt that Lisa Rinna is the type of person who, if you're waiting with her somewhere, or if you met up with her, she would offer to buy you a snack, like croissant.

And then I said, furthermore, I made me like her more to think that she would buy me a croissant. I came up with a fantasy and then I liked her more because of the fantasy. So then Lisa Rinna tweeted at me out of the blue and said, uh, she said something along the lines of, I would love to buy you a free croissant. Which was so nice. Although she has yet to actually follow through.

Lisa, Lisa Rinna. She probably doesn't listen to this episode because we don't talk about Beverly Hills. But how cool. Just wait outside her house and be like, remember? Remember you said that thing? I have it on the Twitter. I know. You want to go to right now?

Let's do it right now. So first of all, super cool that she listens. I really love that, you know, because we didn't tweet at her. No one tweeted at her to say, hey, like, will you buy Ben a croissant? She just tweeted at me. So that was really cool. That was the first time she's tweeted at me. And I was like, you know, I felt very special.

First time she tweeted at me. That's such a love story of our time. I know. She tweeted at me, and then I knew it was meant to be. I know. Next time you tweet at me. I know, I know, I know, I know. Next time.

Anyway, it was awesome. I felt, like, super cool. And then I tweeted back at her, and I said, don't toy with me, Rinna. I want my croissant, or something like that. Like, I love you, or something. You're making my dreams come true, said don't toy with me Rinna I want my croissant or something like that like I love you or something like you're making my dreams come true but don't toy with me

and she never responded she didn't even like that so I don't know what's going on with this croissant situation oh my god what's happening in this relationship it's already gone downhill started out beautiful and then it ended yeah I know but she can redeem herself by getting me that croissant.

Like, literally, my dream, Ronnie, would be if the three of us went out, she got us croissants, because I want you to get involved in the croissant action, and then we played Settlers of Catan. Like, how fun would it be to play Settlers of Catan with Lisa Rinna? That's what I want to do. I'd just walk the freakway to your stone center. Sorry. Okay, baby.

I'm going to build on the desert. I know the desert doesn't get me anything, but I just love sunshine, and I just love the heat of the desert. It's just great. I've been around a long time, baby. I've been to Palm Springs a lot, and I love it, baby. So I'm building on the desert. This isn't the first time I blocked a port. Three for one

is a great deal, baby. I'm gonna take that port. You know, three for one, like, I'm always looking for a good deal, okay? I've been around a long time, baby. I've seen a lot of deals. And I know you gotta jump on them when they come around. So I'm taking the three for one port. I've been around a long time, baby, okay? I was here before the settlers came

here. I mean, this place used to be called Lucy Ann. I mean, totally changed it. You know, that robber, you know, I don't trust that robber. No way. You know what that robber did? He took half my resources, okay? That's not cool, okay? That's shady.

And he's got a problem. He's addicted. It's called addiction. I've seen it. He's addicted to my resources. I've got bushels of wool for you, okay? I've got bushels of wool, baby, okay? I've got bushels of wool, baby, okay? And they're turned into V-sweaters.

And you can get them on QVC. I'm not kidding. I'll do anything for a buck. I will breed sheep. I'll breed sheep and sell it on QVC. I don't care. I'll do anything. Nicole Eckert and I used to always chop down trees because we knew one day we could sell it on QVC.

And it worked out, baby. It was so wrong of me to get you this croissant, baby, because I was right next to my daughter who is making toast. And I was like, don't need your toast. Save your money. Lisa Rinna. So, yes, that was really cool. So thanks, Lisa Rinna, for listening. And thanks for at least entertaining the idea of buying me a croissant.

So, oh, Lorraine Andrews. Hi, Lorraine. Hello. Ronnie, tell a story about your family. The way you describe your family feels similar to mine. I love my family, and they're a blast. All of my friends want to be invited to our parties because my aunts, uncles, and cousins are the best.

And we party. However, we're pretty dysfunctional and there is definitely major alcoholism in my family, which no one really talks about. When one person tries to get sober, everyone respects, but would never dream of not drinking themselves. That kind of thing. Wow, I'm realizing this question got dark.

Anyway, I'm intrigued because it sounds like your family is similar plus you have the whole being led lebanese thing and living in texas that must have been interesting this isn't really a question but i love when you talk about your fans both of you actually well i will just say that uh an alcoholic family is usually a dysfunctional one and And if you're not talking about it, that's good. Because the minute you start talking about alcoholism, you have to stop drinking. Don't ever become an alcoholic. Drink enough to where you can still function in life, okay? You guys should still be able to function.

If you start saying, I'm an alcoholic, and you bring that conversation up, then what are you going to do on Christmas Eve? You're not going to be shit-faced together? F that. I'll never go home again. I love my family for the crazies that we are. And, you know, if we don't want to talk to each other sober, so be it. But tell a story about the bowling alley.

Do you remember what your first day was like at the bowling alley? My first day? Yeah, I was being trained by my hot cousin jim he's older he was in high school and he like taught me how to make the burgers on the grill dude i don't think people said bro then he wasn't a bro he's just like cool ronnie i think you really should write a pilot about your family now that like because there's there's so many of these interesting characters they're all intertwined as There's a bowling alley. My family will sue my ass.

I'm not bowling alley. My family will sue my ass. They'll be like, I was in that? Okay, I want 10%. That's exactly. That should be the funniest stuff in your pilot. It really should be a pilot. Oh, no.

I'll get beat up. I love my family very much. I don't know. I don't write things about real things. Mostly just making fun of other things. Huh? I wonder what it would be called. Your family pilot sitcom. Your sitcom pilot.

I don't know. You see? Completely blank. I don't know. Skylanes. It would be called Skylanes. Skylanes. That was the name of the bowling alley. Skylanes bowling alley. But it would just be Skylines you could call it Leb

Leb no I don't know did you see that they're coming out with My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 I did see that do people remember that there was a part 1 I mean I do but I'm old I feel like this strategy of releasing sequels to movies that are 15 years old is not a strong

one. How did that one do? It was a bomb. Oh. Yeah, because who knows Zoolander Part 1? I mean, we do, but these kids don't know. These kids these days. Yeah, they don't know. The adults are downloading that shit for free off the internet. Yeah.

Okay, one more question from the Peanut Gallery, aka our supporters by the way if you want to contribute to the patreon to the crappins mailbag you go to patreon.com forward slash crappins watch for crappins marvin j dearest marvin marvin marvin j dearest lovely marvin j our super premium subscriber. He asks, if you were cast members on a new Housewives franchise, what roles would you play and what season would you pick a fight and what would it be over? And more importantly, who would Andy side with in the end?

Well, the role that I would play would probably be, I would probably wind up being like Katie from Potomac I probably would think that I'm like really cool and funny and clever and then I probably come off like a total asshole and why would you put yourself as a cast member

why would you do a Potomac of all things it's a new franchise I'm just saying I would come off like Katie you're so much better than that I would come off like Katie I'm not saying I wouldn't be in Potomac because we were in a new franchise. I'm just saying I would come off like Katie. It's so much better than that. I would come off like Katie. I'm not saying I wouldn't be in Potomac. We're in a new Housewives franchise. The real Housewives of, you know, between La Brea and Fairfax.

No, I know. I'm just saying, like, you pick any of the Housewives that you would be like. Somebody from Potomac? No, but I'm not saying I want to be like Katie. I'm just saying I would come off like Katie. I'm not saying I want to be like Katie I'm just saying I would come off like Katie I probably would try to be like Bethany or

someone else who's liked someone who's liked and funny I'd probably try to be like Lisa Vanderpump you are liked and funny yeah but being liked and funny on a podcast is different than going onto reality TV because I probably try to think I'm doing the same

shtick, and then I would just come off like an asshole, like Katie. That's what would happen to me. And I think people would accuse me of probably being spoiled and entitled and delusional, all that shit. And then I'd probably get into a fight over something stupid, like a yogurt. I'm trying to think of who one of the crazy bitches is that i would be um i'm one of the housewives that would i think like i'm totally normal and i'm really

smiley and nice and everyone's like oh that's the nice one and then suddenly i get mad and i'm like or you know i have a glass of wine or whatever and then i just my real tongue comes out like who maybe it'd be like dorinda dorinda well dorinda i think i have more of an evil slant than dorinda dorinda can be belligerent but um my tongue hurts hurts more you know and i just think it's fun i don't know that i'm being hurtful but i can keep the leash on but man man, after a couple of drinks, forget it. Maybe you'd be Nini. Yes, more like that. Like a Dorinda Nini hybrid with no hair. You better back the fuck up, bloop.

All right, here's some business, guys. Nobody has a chocolate martini. You know, like, who doesn't want a chocolate martini 20 minutes every day? Like, you need one every day. Like, that's your business? A chocolate martini? Girl, that's already been out for years. Close your legs to married men, bloop.

You better back the fuck off your legs to married men, Mr. Jetson. Close your legs to Jetsons. Bitch your legs, Mr. Jetson. Bitch. Very, very rich. Okay, bitch. My red balloon is very rich, bitch. I told Donald Trump, we're from the same neighborhood, Donald Trump. We're from the same neighborhood, Mr. Jetson.

Bye, chaos crayon. Bye, chaos crayon. That was a bye wig reference that didn't work That's what that was Fix your red balloon Fix your red balloon That wrap it up for the mailbag Yes please I think that's

I think that's it. I am like in a crazy place today. I know. I'm like not making any sense today. I apologize. Listeners, I apologize. I am like not making sense. I'm barely following the conversation.

You know, it's just going to be one of those podcasts. I like it. I like that we're both giggling our heads off, but in a stoner kind of a way. We're like, yeah, man. I like that it feels like it's two in the morning, but it's two in the afternoon. I know. I feel like I'm saying things that don't make sense. I just hope it's okay for the listener.

I feel bad if people are listening to this for two hours and they're like, no, it's going to get funny soon. I don't want that. I don't want that. You know what it makes me feel like? It makes me feel like... Me and Miss Jill the daffodil has it, honey. Me and Miss Jill the daffodil!

Miss Jill the daffodil has it honey they really timed these shows well from the time they go off the air until they come back again because I already missed Quad and she was an absolute horror show this year and I miss her I know I miss her you know who else I miss

Riley oh Candy was full on weave patent disapproval tonight yeah so you lead the way with Atlanta, because I didn't take notes. Okay, well, you know it's a bad sign for the episode when the beginning voiceover is Cynthia. That says, previously on The Real Housewives. I was like, oh no, not a good sign. We open with Todd Candy and crazy-ass, ass grumpy faced Mama Joyce

going to Married to Medicine's own Dr. Jackie. Dr. Jackie. I like Dr. Jackie's dress, by the way. I do too. I really like her slim 50s thing that she's wearing. It's like the 50s, but I'm in shape.

It looks weird. Not being on a curvier body. Fit is the new it. Fit is the new it. Fit is the new 50s. Fit is the new the 50s are now fit which is it.

Well done 50s. 50s are fit and therefore it. I'll just slowly drop off letters from 50s. I can't make the 50s are fit and therefore it he's like I'll just slowly drop off letters from 50s I can't make the 50s healthier but I can make 50 year olds healthier 50s are the new tees fifth are the new tees

so Candy and Todd are having a boy I just wrote me man, who cares? Then they were making Todd short jokes. Todd's like, my baby's going to be short. Todd's like, I'm not sure. Look, I'm like at least 6'1". I'm not short at all. Mama Joyce is like, you are tiny, Todd.

What are you talking about? But my hair is at least four feet tall. So they get to check up on the baby. By the way, Todd is still wearing his quilted northern shirt. It makes me crazy when he wears that shirt. It looks like a paper towel. But it's so

absorbent. It's gonna be the best thing the baby ever sped up on. So the baby's healthy. He stayed one inch long, so, you know, it's so absorbent. It's going to be the best thing the baby ever spat up on. So the baby's healthy. He stayed one inch long. So, you know, it's Tucker. The doc says, I don't suggest. Oh, she's like, you guys should be having sex, but I don't suggest man on top.

And then Joyce's face, they started talking about sex, and Joyce's face turned into, like, a stripper just beat her in the face with a 20 inch dick face. She looked mad. It was flashbacks to season 3 with Ridiculous which then led to flashbacks to season 2

when she did the sexy photo shoot in the lingerie Yes I was like, eh, stop the flashbacks too much, let's go back to Ridiculous back to Ridiculous But I love that crazy mama I was like, eh, stop the flashbacks. Too much. Let's go back to ridiculous. Back to ridiculous. But I love that crazy Mama Joyce. I like when they pretend that they're so nice.

She's just laughing it up with Todd and they're pretending they're all close now. She's just like, be nice to me on Twitter. Please. It's like, stop yelling at me. They decide to name the baby Ace. Ace Wells Tucker. Yeah. Named after the hotel, of course.

See? Nah, this is a good hotel. So we're going to name it after the hotel. It was either Ace or Holiday. So we'll name it Ace. Ace Wells Tucker. Just in case she divorces him and marries someone named Fargo. You know Candy has a good long-term plan.

She names her kids after corporations, okay? So he's named after a hotel and a bank, and then her daughter's named after an auto parts manufacturer. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Riley! Riley. Autoparts. Oh, oh, oh, oh, Riley. Autoparts. Autobots O-O-O-O-Riley Autobots

My son is going to be named Wells Fargo The Staples Center I'd like to present my son Staples Center by Kodak By the way, is O'Reilly, is that a nationwide brand? Do people know what we're talking about?

O-O-O-Riley Yeah, I think so I think so Riley, is that a nationwide brand? Do people know what we're talking about? Oh, oh, oh, Riley. Yeah, I think so. I think so. I mean, auto parts. I just go to AutoZone. I really like getting the attitude from the old ladies at work there. They just look at me like, you stupid little faggito burrito. You don't even know what this fuse goes to, idiot.

Do you know I bought a NASCAR board game this weekend? I actually bought it during our last podcast. We were podcasting. At one point, I impulsively purchased a board game during the podcast. It was NASCAR themed. This is what my life is. So it gave me a lot of excuses to go, oh, oh, oh, oh, Riley. And Candy Burrows voice.

O'Reilly. And Candy Burrows voice. So back to our wonderful, hardworking, always being a mom mother, Tootie, who's telling her nanny what to do. I'm loving that we're seeing more of Kim Fields' fake ass parenting thing where she always has to be near her nanny. Yeah. Well, isn't this when Kim feels she's like working outside right so this is what cracked me up she's outside on her laptop working on the latest cut of this of this video in the background

she has it looks like it's like a little award like maybe like an award for winning like a directing award like a small thing not like a dga award i could be wrong but it looked like she had like a little a little trophy out there it's like a publisher's clearinghouse but i was like thank you for being a member for 80 years but i was just like there's no way that you keep that trophy out on your porch you brought that out so that way it could be in the background while you're being a director i was like kim fields i have been standing up for you all season long even when you've been past resident Bitchy. But this is ridiculous. I like that you noticed the award.

I noticed it was very styled, too, because of the Hobby Lobby curved twigs, spray-painted white, that were in the corner of her thing. I just saw those at the Hobby Lobby. You know those, like, when people put a bunch of sticks in a pot? They're like, it's my plant. But these are, like, kind of foam sticks. They're made out of something else, and they're curly. I'm like, girl, please tell... Oh, not Hobby Lobby. Michael's. I'm like, girl,

please tell me you did not just go to Michael's before this scene. What are you trying to convey here? No one's gonna believe you know how to use a glue gun. Give it up, lady. Make your babysitter do it. Yeah. Well, either way, yeah, so she was out on her porch

working on the latest cut of the commercial there have been so many projects i've yet to be a part of that was one of her quotes oh wow oh art her uh art her manager calls her on the uh on the old webcam please don't do it again no it was i went on, I was, I was going onto Kim Fields bio page and guess what happened? Autoplay. Lisa Welchel. Lisa Welchel. Okay. I don't want to hear what you have to say,

Lisa Welchel. Even though I really liked you on Survivor. I was trying to look up to see if I could find her award. Oh, she has the total victim. How now? I guess she did as Blair too, but I watched you on Survivor lady.

Um, so they're talking to Art. Kim is talking to her manager, Art, on the old FaceTime or whatever. Don't make Art go on the FaceCon. It's like below him. He's to the side. He looks like he just wants to escape this poor thing. He's like, hey, hey, Kim.

It's great to be your manager and your best friend. Go ahead and just tell me all of your problems, Kim. I know. He was basically like the baby in the beginning of Roger Rabbit. Okay. Like chomping a cigar. Hey, tots. Slapping women's asses.

Kind of, but he had to pretend that they're actually friends. She's like, these women are being mean to me, Art, and I'm just above it, Art. Don't they know who I am? I'll tell you what, kid. These ladies should have some respect for you. You know, what's a womanhood relationship without some respect amongst the ladies? Am I right? I'm like, shut up.

Stop making Art talk. He's like, well, you know, just because you don't get along with Kenya doesn't mean you can't work with her. I've seen a lot of people that don't get along. And she's like, no no this level of disrespect is i'm like art what sort of manager are you that you're you're trying to encourage her to work for kenya more i mean that's she should be fired just for that you know that your manager does not have your best interest in heart when he says kenya more in a work related sentence yes exactly um okay yeah so she really does go on forever and then she goes i take my reputation very seriously art and i was like you got michael's twisty twigs and fake flowers on the table in

front of you please be quiet yeah i think you can't you can no longer talk about taking your reputation seriously when you sign the dotted line that says yes i will be a real housewife that's when your reputation goes out the window. When she said, goodbye, Art. I thought, yeah, you sure did say that the second you went to film that commercial. That is exactly right. Bye, Art.

So now Phaedra and her new paid friend, her attorney. Oh, come on. I like her old little Jewish attorney. When she comes over, it's just, you know, somehow, like, you know that this woman clearly had another career as, like, a bit player on Willow, right? You know, like, this is what she was, okay? And now she, like, somehow, like, after, like, the Willow check stopped coming through,

she's like, I guess I better become a divorce attorney. She's like, Phaedra, it's so good to see you. I called in your house to bring these papers over to holidays. Phaedra brought you a menorah. I like that Phaedra's like, I am of an international house of prayer. You know, Muslims, Buddhists, or Jews, you know, pass the menorah. I'm like, it's not a dish. They love me.

It's not like something you can dip a cracker into, okay? You just put it up somewhere. Pass the menorah i'm like it's not a dish i love me it's not like something you can dip a cracker into okay you just put it up somewhere but i loved it i like her that i like that she said pass them or actually as much as i'm making fun of her i was like yay jewish presence my people there's a jew on atlanta yeah we did something um i like that Phaedra is making out. You know, Phaedra just has that way about fake druff, they say. Just making everybody like, I miss you so much. Why don't we see each other more? Whatever.

And nothing says you're my best friend forever. When you seat her at the dining room table with a plate full of your terrible decorations and no food or water or drink. She's like, have a seat. your terrible decorations, and no food or water or drink. She's like, have a seat. And it's like this big purple satin napkin thing shoved in your face, wrapped in gold bands and stuff.

Phaedra. I'm sorry, am I the only person noticing the dishware on this show? Listen, we all notice different things. This was a scene where basically Phaedra was talking about visiting Apollo in his new jail

up in Fort Dix. Yeah, that's why. She'll finally go to jail, because now it's called Dick. So, then Ronnie is like... Her name's Ronnie, I think, and she's like, well, you know, the weather can make it very difficult, so I don't know.

There are a lot of obstacles to get through when you go to this particular jail. There's bars, and there's a road that you have to go through with a gate, and you know, what if the weather's bad? Like, there's so many things that can go wrong. You have to have gasoline in your car.

Like, if you don't have gasoline in your car, your car's not going to be able to drive all the way to the jail, so that's the thing you have to think about. Sometimes the weather is extreme. You might have to maybe learn, you know, a heater. There's got to be a heater maybe or something for you. You'll have to be fully clothed. So it's important that that morning you put on clothes if you go to the jail.

You don't live there. So I guess maybe you would have to get a hotel room it's gonna be hard it's gonna be really hard it's gonna be hard you know you don't need a passport per se to go to new jersey but you will need to have some sort of form of identification this was killing me because she's like oh yeah this is a totally child-friendly prison. Phaedra stages everything in such a weird way. And I'm always trying to read what she's really saying. But I was dying through this.

And I know it's terrible to die. But she's like, well, yes, I didn't want to go to the other prison. But this one, I mean, this one's child-friendly. It's going to be great for them. And then she says, how are you going to tell the kids that you're going to prison? Because one of them doesn't know his dad, really. He was too young. And Aiden is still little, so he doesn't remember that well.

She's like, so how are you going to tell them that they're going to prison? She's like, I'm not going to tell them anything. Like, surprise. Surprise, we're going to a prison. It's your dad. It's a child-friendly prison, though. So it's really a bouncy castle. That's not bouncy at all.

It's very stiff and has bars. Yes, that man is scary. Just color the menu that was put at the table, okay? Here's a little thing of crayons. Child-friendly prison. Okay, go play on that beautiful McDonald's playground out there. Child-friendly prison. Yeah, enjoy the seesaw out in the prison yard.

Just ignore the white supremacists in the corner. If someone has you candy, eat it. It's a child-friendly prison. There's a ball pit. Oh, God, speaking of ball pits, let's move over to Kenya's house. Oh, yeah, the new house under construction. So, she's pretending this thing with Matt is a real thing. Sorry, I'm not buying this at all.

Are you? I don't know. I kind of am, oddly enough. You know, I'm a romantic. You know, I think the idea of someone getting... I think the idea of an older woman snagging, like, a big, hot, muscular dude is... I think that's a lovely rom-com. Well, I do, too. But this is not a think that's a lovely rom-com. Well, I do too, but this is not a woman or a human

being we're talking about. This is a soulless, depth... This is a crazy sociopath. Not even crazy. A cold cow. This is Robin Penn in House of Cards on a really stupid level. Anymore. I was going to say, it's the lady from V.

Oh my god. Always great. I was just going to, it's the lady from V. Oh my god. Always great. I love her. She had a lot of crying scenes in that Showtime show about terrorism. She was the wife of the army guy. I was talking about the original V. Oh, both good?

In both Vs? Yeah, what was her name? Diana something. Okay. It's not Diana Rigg. What was her name? Diana something. Okay. It's not Diana Rigg. That would be funny, though. Yes, that would be. So over at Kenya's house, nothing is done, and she's walking through with Aunt Lori.

Jane Badler. Jane Badler. Her character name was Diana, but her name was Jane Badler. That was the name of the actress. Oh, okay. Right on. And she was in Kenya's walls. Just kidding. That's where she's living now. Exactly.

She's like, I would build walls here, but I've got this actress in there from V. She liked that show. I've been in Hollywood a long time. I've been taking acting classes from Jane Badler. She was in a miniseries called V. I've got her tied up in the

almost finished bathroom. Want to meet her? I keep her around because she eats all the mice. Oh, I love that when they would just swing those jaws open and swallow the mice whole. That was so scary. When I was a kid, I was scared

to death of V and my brother would always watch. My brother loved it. I just remember walking into the room and Jane Badler herself had a martini glass full of little mice. I was like, ehhh. Yeah, so Kenya's house. Still makes sense.

Yeah, still makes sense. Kenya's not quite as charming as Jane Badler, but she's close. Still makes sense. Yeah, still makes sense. Kenya's not quite as charming as Jane Badler, but she's close. The mice won't even get in the glass for her. They're running away. She's the bee that controls nothing. So Kenya's walking through this house trying to... The bee that controls nothing.

She's a powerless alien that's been shunned by Jane Badler on all the other lizard people like oh well you know things got really bad when she tried to kick jane baddler out of a chair we don't stand for that here are the lizard people oh my god so kenya's full of shit walking through. Like, look, it's almost done. All we need to do is just the finishing stuff. You know, like maybe the electrical, the water, the tiling on the floor.

You know, textiles, walls. Yeah. Walls, frames. Matt's like, yeah, maybe. I tried to do my Matt voice, but it's like my voice is so messed up right now. He's like, yeah, I can't do it. I can't. I'm sorry.

I was trying to get all deep and raspy, but my voice is not doing it. Just put me in the way you want me to do because I should be here for you. Yeah. Maybe there's a parking spot for me right now. I don't know. Yeah. I can't. My voice is – there's some days my voice can can do it but it's not happening today sorry everyone

I know you were waiting for my Matt impersonation so I'm sorry and spoiler alert it's not coming back for the fondue scene oh my god fondue something Kenya will never make because she doesn't have electricity

in her god damn house after a year of building it. I will say this about Kenya's house. When they showed her master bedroom, once that's done, that's going to be a beautiful master. Oh, you're so positive. I like that you said once and not if. No, but it's a corner with the glass and you see all those trees. I think it looks beautiful.

Kenya tells this relationship story to Aunt Lori whoie who's there in this like miss haversham hat weird hat and this how dare you sell a miss haversham that way well i mean what was that she was in this weird like lady from 1800s off Ascot. Yeah. Yeah. And they were talking about the relationship and stuff. And Kenya's telling her this story that she knows that she's falling in love because she's like, we were in this awful fight and it was all my fault. And then he left furious. But then he came back and said, you shouldn't have to be alone with this. You shouldn't have. Everyone else will leave you alone, but I won't.

It's like yeah finally can you you found somebody crazy enough to just keep coming back to you yeah while you're sweet there's i was like oh that's an i liked it i like that story what's his what's his angle that ain't romance this is real housewives of atlanta what's that fool doing fame why not she gets a baby out of it he gets to be famous why not okay i'm in congratulations you two listen if everyone else does it why can't they why can't why can't why can't she use her fame to get a like a young hot stud yeah i don't mind that she's using it to get a hot stud i mind that he's using hers you know like makes me grossed out for him i mean

although this is kenya i mean what are we nuts okay next scene porsche dogs poop sister comes over in time to clean it up yeah she's like it's like it's having having two dogs is totally like raising two children like no it's not yeah no it's not not stupid. No, not at all. Not at all. So whatever. She's going to have a photo shoot. Yeah. I mean, talk about a trope as old as... Tale as old as time. Beauty and the Beast. This is the photo shoot.

The Real Housewives photo shoot. There's something that women love more on the show than getting their vagina shaved And having a fashion show. It's just doing a photo shoot. I'm loving her creative director Johnny. They call him. And he's saying. So is this for big booties.

Or little booties. Because if it's going to be little booties. You need to have little models. And you need to decide on how fat these bitches are going to be. Basically. And then Portia's like. Yeah. I want it to be every size. And then Portia's like, yeah, but I want it to be eversize, but it's not as semen.

They're like, what? And she's like, yeah, semen, like sperm, but no, not sperm, like stones. Well, the funny thing is, you know, like, I mean, it was wrong on so many levels because obviously the phrase is, it's not written in stone, but then she's like, but she the phrase is it's not written in stone. But then she's like, but she wants to say it's not written in cement, which is like a bastardization of the phrase, which is funny enough.

But then that she called cement, cement. It's also funny. And then she's like, wait, that's not right. And then the reason why she thought she's like, it's not right. No, written in concrete. I was like like she didn't realize that cement is the wrong way to say cement johnny goes y'all got the brains of a paper cup instant regular uh cynthia and kim kim's office peter probably like

bust in is like what Someone's got paper cups? We gotta refill Peter's brew. I heard you got a brain like a paper cup. Can I put a sticker with my face on it? Is it a small paper cup?

Can I put a little comic strip around it? The Adventures of Peter. Peter's brew. Peter's brew. Coming soon to a paper cup near you. I'm just right.

I just wrote down Kim's fur headband fur vest. Jesus. Hobby Lobby sale. Get out of Hobby Lobby. What is wrong with her? Everything in this episode, she's got fucking glue gunned or pinned to her somehow. Damn, Kim. Kim.

Okay, so they get to the commercial. They show Cynthia the commercial, and this is the tagline of Cynthia Bailey's line. Cynthia Bailey eyewear is enhancing the faces of men and women one face at a time. So awful. Enhancing faces. That does not make me want to buy sunglasses. Cynthia Bailey eyewear.

At least you're not blind. I mean, there. Done. I've already beat you. It's such a terrible tagline. Enhancing Faces. And then on top of that, Kim Fields does like... She does

the audio just to have it there. I forget what they call it. And then she's like, okay, I'm going... I'll record an actual track. So then she records it on her iPhone. So I'm like, oh, this is really professional. And then she's like, but you know what, cynthia i think you should do the voiceover i'm like why would you have cynthia do the voiceover her own commercial she does not have a voiceover voice well but she's obviously trying to because she's like kim i'd love to hear you do

it and kim does it and she's like you know i think you're very, but here's how I want it to sound. Cynthia Bailey, I wear, will enhance your face and your husband's face. Just enhance your face. And she's like, oh, there you go. You should do it. She's like, really, me? Me? Meanwhile, where is this commercial going to air? Is it going to be like 2 a.m.?

The middle of the night between cassette tape sales on the old telly. Yeah, exactly. So we saw some clips of the commercial. You know, not promising. I hate it. It starts off like black and white and then she puts the sunglasses

on and it goes right into color. It was literally like a mattress commercial. And not a Casper mattress, like a crap mattress like a crap mattress reminds me when i went to college in uh in new hampshire the uh the local commercials up in new hampshire were so awful i mean it was all like star wipes there was this lawyer who had just like endless numbers of commercials charlie something another oh my goodness this is what these those commercials actually look like they were made by gray worldwide compared to these this cynthia bailey commercial but did they have really long taglines that confused you enough to repeat them in your own mind cynthia bailey eyewear enhancing the face one face at a time including those that

are unenhanced and those who that have already been enhanced and will continue to be further enhanced. And just while they're keeping this fantastic scene going, Cynthia says, so, I just wanted to say, I know that, you know, in Jamaica, when we

said your husband was gay, that wasn't cool. That wasn't cool. So, did you talk to him about it? And Kim's like, yeah, of course we talked about it. We laughed our asses off because that's what you do with your gay husband. Okay? You don't go home and cry. You laugh about people. We just like laughed and laughed and laughed.

Although I really wasn't sure if he was laughing at the story or it was just that part of the Liza Minnelli concert where she cracks all those jokes. I don't know. It was like we were watching that too. So it's hard to say. Barron came out on a blog this week defending his going against the housewives or whatever for all of this gay stuff.

And he goes on and on and on and he's like, and it's nothing. It's like a lot of actor-y nothing. They're like, so Kenya called you gay on national TV multiple times and then brought it up again. Blah, blah, blah. What do you think? And he's they're like so kenya called you uh gay on national tv multiple times and then brought it up again blah blah blah what do you think and he's like well it wouldn't be up to me

to speak to the person who did something like that to me because that's not in my nature and when people have negative things to say and they're negative people it's not in my nature to say that's in my nature that i would respond to that because responding to that is not in my nature you know what i mean because i'm an artist who responds to things that are in my nature that I would respond to that because responding to that is not in my nature. You know what I mean? Because I'm an artist who responds to things that are in nature but not that because it's not my nature that I would respond. I'm like, what are you even talking about, crazy?

Stop tap dancing over your own damn tongue. Just say I'm not gay so we can all move on with our day. Yeah, exactly. Whatever. I'm on his side. Well, me too. I mean, it's against kenya i'm on the house's side crush the bitch that's the only way wizard of oz even happens he's our last hope before the lizard people come and then my seating ways candy and phadra okay so they'rehaedra comes over to Candy's dressed like she just shot Gonzo's

entire family and skinned them for some. What the fuck? It was definitely Fraggle Rock chic if I may mix them up in metaphor. It's Fraggle chic. Jim Henson, let this podcast be! Yeah, she's like

Ooh, child, I've just been digging down in the caves. And Candy's like, hmm, see? Hmm, see? Now, Fraggle Rock, down to Fraggle Rock. We love dollars. Phaedra brings Fraggle Rock. Riley, come down to Fraggle Rock.

Yeah, and Phaedra's here from Fraggle. Speaking of Fraggled Rocks, I brought you some nipple cream. She gives Candy the gift of nipple cream. And Candy's like, and she starts doing her uncomfortable one finger scratch in the middle of her weave and patting it at the same time. I'm loving that she's doing it because now she does it

every time she gets uncomfortable. Laugh and laugh. But she's like, Girl, I tried that with... I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So they gossip about He's like, girl, I tried that with Ryan. I mean, I don't know. It's the last of the month. Prison, bleeding. So they gossip about how Nini came back,

and now she is friends with Sheregan, and how Cynthia betrayed Kenya by saying she hardly knew her. And Candy is weave-patting, going crazy. She's like, what? Don't want trouble. Don't need trouble. We get a flashback of Sarray and Nini fights.

Oh, that was so wonderful. I got money. I'm very rich, bitch. Oh, you're rich? Fix your face. You got teeth. I got teeth. You got teeth. You don't got teeth. Fix your face. You got a lot of teeth. And then Nini was like, I got Trump money, honey. You got a T? You got a T? You got a T? You got a T?

And then Nini was like, I got Trump money, honey. Oh, that was funny. You know, the producers, that made me laugh out loud. Because, you know, the producers are so funny. Whenever they do flashbacks on any Bravo show, you know, that's when the producers love, that's when they shine. Because they like to make them look like assholes. They like to bust them in their lies etc etc and basically nini went you know has spent the past few seasons bragging

about how she's got she's like donald trump rich she's like you know donald trump donald trump donald trump and now that donald trump is like public enemy number one amongst you know non-racists now that they they pull out nini bragging about her association with donald trump you know non-racist he now that they they pull out nini bragging about her association with donald trump you know they did that on purpose oh just to make it look like a bigger someone in uh potomac said it sharice said uh was we'll get to you later but sharice like sharice is like what are you donald trump because she said i fired everybody she's like okay donald trump wow trump is having a great night on NBC. What does it all mean? Yeah, exactly.

I thought that was very funny. That was definitely some quiet editorial commentary on mini leaks right there. Quiet. As quiet as they get on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Screaming Trump. So they start talking about Phaedra and Phaedra's like, my family has really pooled together.

Candy's like, we pat, we pat, scratch, scratch, scratch. Am I gonna follow? I cannot talk like her. Am I gonna follow? Nah. Family. Her. So Portia, Cynthia, shoot.

This is so stupid. They take three hours to get on their makeup, which, I mean, I can kind of see why. Wait, I want to say also, because I'm being sort of nice this episode, I loved Portia's hair during this photo shoot. Portia's hair always looks pretty good. I know, but it was a little shorter, and it just looked great. It was, like, shorter, but didn't make her look older. You know? I like it.

Yeah, i like her she's so pretty um it feels weird being nice you know she's so ridiculous she's so over the top she can be totally ratchet and she is not that smart but she seems like the most fun to hang out with i love yeah i think so too she's so funny on this show. I love looking at her. I was like, I guess we got an answer. Because he was like, you need to decide between skinny women and big women. There can't be an in-between. And then, but. They show Portia in her lingerie.

And I'm like, that ass is all I wrote down. I was like, damn! And she's decided it's going to be an everyday woman. And then they show people in the lingerie and there's like giant nipple pasties. There's a lot of nip happening in today's episode. There was a lot. And you know, this was the first time I think that we saw Portia look semi-professional. Because during the photo shoot, you know, it was like the standard photo shoot stuff.

But they lost daylight. We're losing daylight. We're losing daylight so um they shot cynthia bailey inside and it's cool because you saw portia actually watching and fixing things and saying what she wanted well i'm not saying she looked like a professional just semi-professional and considering that in every other professional area that she's tried to express herself she's looked like an idiot that was the first time she looked semi-competent oh except that she was three hours late to her own shoot because she didn't have her makeup ready and also who who needs lingerie pictures uh outside in the middle of the day that is so weird to me they're like we lost the daylight like it looks like

you're shooting at someone's house pool in the middle of the afternoon it's a fucking lingerie commercial what the hell i know i did also but i did appreciate cynthia bailey because um uh as much i mean i mean we shit on cynthia left and right but seeing her actually like in doing what she does modeling it's like she's good oh cynthia see i am like really i'm like so complimentary to these women today i'm like and she's good. Oh, Cynthia. I am like, really I'm like, so complimentary to these women today. I'm like, and here's another thing that I like about Kenya. She's just so outspoken. Good for her. You're loving too much.

Too much fondue. You've gone too far in the brain evolution. Come back. Come back. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm just feeling nice. I'm feeling lovely today. We have ideas for inside.

So, Cynthia, I'm gonna have you walk down the hallway and here, make some rose petals on the ground. What the hell? Is she a flower girl at some stripper's wedding? What the hell is happening? I love that they tried to frame this as if it was a crisis. Like, oh, no, we lost daylight.

We lost daylight, everyone. It's like, okay, here's what we're going to do instead. Instead of shooting outside, we're going to shoot inside. Oh, my God. Whoa. Thankfully, you haven't tastefully lit your hallway yet, so it looks like the outside. I know. This will work.

Wow. That's an amazing fix. I did not see it coming. I thought once that light went down, it was over. Someone, somewhere, someday,

made a light bulb. And to whoever the hell that was, thank you. Love, The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Somewhere in England, Magali is watching, and she's saying,

whoa, whoa, Borsha, whoa. Whoa. Phaedra goes to the jail, who cares. Kenya's date, Kenya is still on this weird fake relationship. This is why it's so fake to me. She's like, what do you think about

kids? Have you ever been engaged? I'm like, Kenya, you found that out ten minutes into this relationship who do you think you're fooling well he is in a great position because he can say yeah i want kids i want kids he's like yeah sooner the better sooner the better because he knows ain't no kids coming out of kenya i don't i'm sorry to be mean to her her being like 45 and like a very low chance of pregnancy. I don't think even if she still had working

viable whatever parts like I think that even if she was like still in complete working order I don't think her personality would let the baby come out. I think she like her vagina would strangle the baby on the way out like she is not going to let somebody get more attention than her.

I think it's just that like, he knows that the chances of him getting her pregnant are so low that he's just like, yeah, I can say it. Yeah. Oh yeah. I want a baby so badly.

So anyway, can I move in? Yeah, pretty much. It'll be great to take the baby from my own parking space to wherever, you know, that'd be great. Lick lip.

Lick lip. Lick lip. Yeah, I know. He kept on licking his... Well, that's the thing. He keeps cracking these jokes and then licking somebody's hand and he goes... And then getting her fake little girl voice. She's saying, oh, a baby.

You wouldn't mind a baby. I'm like, shut up. Who are you? Stop talking like that. You wouldn't mind a baby. I'm like, shut up. Who are you? Stop talking like that. You're so crazy. So yeah, they had fun too. I got hungry. What else is new? Phaedra takes the kids and her

mom. She's like, Mom, what are you doing? She's like, oh, just sitting here reading psalms. Her kids are so cute so cute um i thought it was very fitting that phadra is running this family just like she always wants to be and she's got her two little boys dressed like nutcrackers yeah how fitting is that yes raising them right girl Raising them right So they go to jail and they try and make it this Judas thing where they're like The prison would not let us in

During shooting But Phaetra went in At 5.18am Yeah I know Two and a half hours later the kids come out Like yeah it was cool It was nice. Well, there were so many kids friendly people in that prison.

I was so glad to have one of those toys. You take the block and move it along the metal wire. So you forget the other part. It's like a little block roller coaster. That was really kid friendly. This one guy told me to put my head up to the glass and i did and then he kept beating the glass it was so funny oh my head hurt it was so nice all the shivs there have my little pony on them did you know you could make a knife out of a toothbrush um so thank you and phaedra the queen of understatement, she's like, well, when I brought up the divorce to Apollo, he said that he didn't want one, but I'm ready to get on with my life.

I'm like, okay. So, basically, you've left Apollo screaming in the lobby of the prison like, oh, you're not leaving me! You're not leaving! So, well, you know, we had a nice talk and that was lovely. Now we're going home. Yeah, she's like, well, kids, I hope you enjoyed seeing your father in jail. We're never coming back. I just did it so people would

stop telling me to bring you to the jail. The kids are like, yum, candy! That was fun! And he's like, Pedro, get back here! And that ends The Real Housewives of Atlanta. That was the end of Atlanta.

Moving on, let's discuss Top Chef. The latest episode was the last one before the finale episode. Before the two-part finale, in which a winner will be furnished $150,000. Who's honking out there, Ben? It's probably Padma herself. She's like, how dare you? I need to get to my dear friend Wolfgang Puck's restaurant for lunch because Gail Simmons is rather hungry

and I don't want her to wait any longer. Darling, I don't know her to wait any longer. Darling, I don't know how you waste so much time being on a high-up floor and not throwing bricks out the window at fucking car alarms. Well, I don't know why car alarms are even still a thing. How is that even legal? Yeah.

I will brick that thing myself. I feel like scooting right up there. I'm a damn mile away. I'm going to come up and brick that fucker. The car alarm sounds like it's getting closer. Wait, what is? I'm looking ating right up there. I'm a damn mile away. I'm going to come up and break that fucker. The car alarm sounds like it's getting closer. Wait, what is it? I'm looking at it right now. It's like the new ice cream truck.

No, there's a woman in the car. She's so stupid. She stole that shit. I'm looking at it right now. She's in the car without the alarms going off, and she's not doing anything to try to turn it off. She's rummaging through her bag, because I can see right down into her windshield.

And she's rummaging. She's, uh, and now she's getting out of her car. She's got a, she's got, like, a denim vest with little flower things on it. It's, like, very macrame. Blossoms, 1991.

It's a periwinkle? She's looking at something in her hand. She just closed. Okay, she's confused. Now she's talking to a homeless guy. This homeless guy is wandering over to her to basically be like, hey, here's how to fix it. Now she's shooed him away. Oh, she finally fixed it. Thank God, stupid lady.

God, the homeless guy did it. I credit the homeless guy. Yeah, the homeless guy was like, listen, hit the thing on your keychain, you stupid. I'm going to spend the rest of this day giving dollars to nobody just to celebrate. I really wish you could see her outfit. There is like a denim macrame flower vest with some black trousers. So she's basically a walking car alarm. She is.

The car alarm was like, get away from me. You're ruining my resale value. I'm depreciating. This week on Top Chef, we learned that the bro chef, Jeremy, has daddy issues. Come on, Top Chef and your daddy issues.

Everybody stop crying about your goddamn fathers and your adults. Give it up. Yeah, they all got them. They all got them. I just wrote down daddy issues. That was my favorite thing. No, just kidding. Oh, then they had a toast challenge.

Yeah, so that's the thing. They went to Chef Desjardins' restaurant commissary in San Francisco. And the quick fire was to make a piece of piece of toast like toast is the newest craze taking over the country which made me crack up because what a pretentious phrase and then when they started listing different types of toast I was like oh yeah I eat those toasts I was like because in my mind I'm just thinking like a piece of bread that's toasted but like you know avocado toast and you know smoked trout toast and all that stuff. Otherwise known as a bruschetta.

Yeah, exactly. But toast, toast is so hot right now. Toast is sweeping the nation. I know we were all raised to hate gluten and avoid bread. Like, shut up. No, we weren't. That's only been for like 10 years, okay? We would re-embrace toast in this country.

The modern toast trend. Find a piece of bread and be like, have you guys heard of toast? No. The modern toast trend started right here at Commissary in the heart of San Francisco. I'm like, jeez, shut up, toast trend. People have been toasting for a long time.

You sounded like Padma when you said that. I feel like toast is like 3,000 years old by now. At least. How old is bread? I mean, bread happened when, toast happened when bread did like badminton when you said that yeah i feel like toast is like 3 000 years old by now at least how old is bread i mean bread happened when toast happened when bread day because you know somebody left that shit in there too long it's like the chocolate lava cake that's supposed to be a regular cake but they didn't leave it in long enough i know and you know i hate snobbery about chocolate lava cake when people say oh that's so 80s. Fuck, who cares? Chocolate lava cake is delicious. So is deliciousness and wonderfulness. The taste doesn't go bad, okay?

Chocolate lava cake is perfection, and especially when it's done right. Like, when it's overcooked, it's just stupid. Yeah, like when it's done by fucking dominoes. F yes, thank you. I'll take another dominoes. Yeah, and that's the thing, is that chocolate lava cakes are actually surprisingly difficult

because the timing has to be just right So that way it's cooked on the outside but molten in the middle That shit is perfect That stuff is great So stop with all your snobbery Because it's popular in the 80s It's good I'll be snobby about stuff

That's served at Pump But I will not turn my nose up at a chocolate lava cake Or a piece of toast Or a piece of toast. Or a piece of toast. Frankly, who's going to complain about a damn piece of toast? You all win. Thank you for making me toast. I don't even know who I'm angry at anymore. I'm just mad at everyone.

Toast? Toast is a thing. I love toast. Stupid toast. Trendy toast. I hate trendy toast. You know what I love? Trendy toast. The toasts weren't really all that trendy. I thought they were going to be a lot grosser as far as, you know, snobbery. But they weren't really.

Some people are just like, well, here's a piece of raisin bread with some I can't believe it's not better. Like a sausage. Like, oh, delicious. So it was a sudden fire um quick fire sudden death quick fire with with a lot of sudden fire one of you will die at the end of this competition we're sending one of you to the mission where you have to work for google so um so they all made toast, and Jeremy made one with foie gras.

No, no, he didn't make his foie... I don't remember what he made. Yeah, it was foie later. Oh, yeah. I remember his dooly making one where he's like, well, you know, my wife likes fish and cheese, and I know that you're not supposed to,

but I'm so in love with my wife. So here's some shrimp and burrata. Listen, anybody with a food network knows you don't mix fish and cheese and of course yes there's the tuna melts and yes there's other things but just if you're on a cooking competition show automatic fire exactly there are there are certain exceptions you can do shrimp with feta you can do like a crab dip like a crab and cream cheese situation but but shrimp and burrata, that's a no-go. Apparently, because Padma was furious.

She's like, what gave you the idea to do fish and cheese? He's like, well, I know it's not, it's Italy. Italy, really? Really, Padma? She's like mad that he's lying about Italy. Meanwhile, though, I mean like,

fettuccine alfredo with shrimp, that's a thing. She's like mad that he's lying about Italy. Meanwhile, though, I mean, like, fettuccine alfredo with shrimp, that's a thing. But anyway. It's just a TV rule that people stick to. Every TV competition. Don't do it. It's like a frozen something.

Don't do it. Yeah. But Amar, he did foie gras. I think he did like foie gras and like prunes. He did some crazy big heavy thing where everything, like, soaked through the toasts, and so they got mad at him. And then he had to do, like, quick,

he had to do, like, sudden death with Carl, right? Yes, Dooley. Dooley. And, um... That's what Dooley did. A crudo. A crudo. Again. Another crudo for season 10 or whatever season

it wasn't season it's not season 10 it's like season 16 but so then but Amar I forget what he did but it was like

under seasoned or overcooked and he was sent packing which surprised me because I thought it seems like Amar has cooked better things

than Dooley all season long and this was the episode where all of a sudden everyone was saying how like oh well you know, he's like a really tough competitor. Carl's one of the best chefs here. I was like, what? He's been so middle to low end of the pack all season long.

And as you always like to point out, he made a milkshake. Yeah. The milkshake killed him for me forever. Yeah. But I think people also talk up the other people so that they can feel better when they beat them you know they're like god yeah that person was amazing and I still beat him yeah so it was weird because I remember

in the beginning of the season he kept on making stuff everyone's like well that's like kind of 80s that's kind of outdated like a molten chocolate cake but he has been sort of I don't know I always feel like I'm surprised he's around he's boring I mean I can't know, I always feel like I'm surprised he's around. Yeah. He's boring. I mean, I can't judge anything but his face, basically.

Boring. You taste boring from my couch. Yeah. He's just sort of been at the bottom. And recently he's had some wins. But the others, everyone else has excelled multiple times. So then he comes along. So then the...

The Hubert tribute. Chef then the... The Hubert Rebue. Chef Hubert. From the first episode ever, we would like to welcome Chef Hubert. Even though he doesn't talk like that, he's not French. Wait, he's French and German, right?

Alsatian, maybe? Is he Alsatian? I don't know what's that. It's like that part of the contested area Alsatian, maybe? Is he Alsatian? I don't know what's that doing. Alsace-Lorraine? It's like that part of the contested area of France. Like France and Germany have... I can't be getting into contested areas of France, Ben. We'll be here all day.

Historically, it's very famous. It was very contested in the World War I, World War II times of our lives. I love contested land, Ben. Barefoot contested. I contested it, but Jeremy told me to get barefoot. So here I am back in the kitchen, contesting nothing over a pot roast. It's lovely. My good friends are coming over to contest a piece of land in France.

And I thought, great, I'll make dinner. Should I make foie or cooked death? It's obviously a contest. The Western Front is going to push hard into Germany tonight. And I thought, great, I'll make cocktails. So today, Jeffrey's going to be going to the front to find some produce from the trenches. Meanwhile, my good friend Tiara will be doing some reconnaissance over

in Berlin, and he'll be bringing back a fresh recipe for mojitos. In the meantime, I'm just going to finish up this chocolate delight, but I'm not going to title it, because tonight at dinner, with the nationals of every country and the surrounding areas of France. I want them

to guess. Is it a chocolate cake? Is it an undercooked chocolate cake? Or is it chocolate lava cake? That's tonight's contest on the Barefoot Contest app. It's always really important to add coffee into your chocolate bat. It just makes the chocolate taste more like

chocolate. It also makes people forget about the terrible war they're fighting in i like to put i like to put some orange peel on top of the carrot cake just reminds the soldiers what's in the cakes that way they don't have to think about getting shelled well anna could never be on top chef because she just first of all she can't move that fast and then at the end when it's time to serve, she'd be like, well, who else am I serving? And why? What's our story? Why do I love them?

What am I feeling right now? I can't serve this chicken until I have a story. They'll be like, goddammit, Ina! You're out! Well, Ina would probably bother them all while they're cooking. You know when Tom Colicchio comes walking around he goes hey chefs hey chefs just want to see what you're working on okay she'll probably come by and she'll be like is there

anything i can help you with you know nurse nurse i'll be your nurse huh and she'll crack up she'll make the joke to everyone like we get it aina you like to say that you're the nurse when you're helping someone and then she'll she'll make she'll make phony commentary like oh so you're going to you're going to cook the you can cook the sauce beforehand and then heat up the chicken that's how interesting how interesting like still not calling her back so you cook the garlic on medium heat because you don't want it to burn. How interesting. Academy is a new scripted podcast that follows Ava Richards,

played by HBO's Industries' Myhala Herald, a brilliant scholarship student who has to quickly adapt to her newfound eat-or-be-eaten world. Ava's ambitions take hold and her small-town values break in hopes of becoming the first scholarship student to make The List, Bishop Gray's all-coveted academic top 10, curated by the headmaster himself. But after realizing she has no chance at The List on her own, she reluctantly accepts an invitation to a secret underground society that pulls the strings on campus life and academic success. If she bends to their will, she'll have everything she's ever dreamed of. But at what cost? Academy takes

you into the world of a cutthroat private school where power, money, and sex collide in a game of life and death. Follow Academy on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. You can binge all episodes of Academy early and ad-free right now by joining Wondery Plus. right now by joining Wondery Plus. From Wondery, this is Black History For Real. I'm Francesca Ramsey. And I'm Conscious Lee. What do most people think about when they hear the words Black History?

Rosa Parks, Reconstruction, MLK, February, Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of Black History Month. Exactly, exactly. There are so many stories of black history that we just are not really talking about or thinking about, especially outside of February. And we are about to flip the script on all of that. Because on this show, you're going to hear a little less. In August 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

And a little bit more. She is a heroine to some. As a fighter for black rights, she is a villain to others. Follow Black History for Real on the Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts. Listen everywhere on February 5th, or you can listen early and ad-free on Wondery Plus starting January 29th. Join Wondery Plus on the Wondery app or on Apple Podcasts. You're a cool girl. I think she would talk like that, like always overly supportive. Aren't you great?

Do you remember the first time we met? I thought, wow, what a cool girl. It smells so good in here. And she smiles at the camera like, you're breaking the fourth wall, Ina. This is Top Chef. I see you see me. Smiles. She'll go, hmm, I wonder, I know, this is Top Chef. I see you see me. Smiles. She'll go, hmm, I wonder what Tom Kalikia's up to.

And Tom's right there. He's like, I'm right here. Nope, that's not what I want. That's not what I said. So, what? What? So the next thing is the humor trivia, because he's already closed his restaurant, but they're going to close it again, because Top Chef. They want to make sure it ends on

a really mediocre note. They want to end the legacy of this restaurant for 15 years. It's got to end on a mediocre note. My final dish for my restaurant Flordaly, which has now just become a decoration in poor Housewives

Kitchen. I would like to present the bottom of the barrel. Here I've assembled all the greatest chefs to celebrate 15 years of this restaurant and to celebrate

the legacy of fine culinary legacies. Yes. I like his actual speech better, because it's so boring. It's an undercooked foie gras torchon. Because it's so boring. He's just like, okay, everyone, I would like to thank you. It's the last night.

I feel things. Okay, eat. You know, we have been so influential to the culinary world here in San Francisco and the country at large that I want to give something back by serving you undercooked foie gras. Made by Dooley. For the first time and the last time in the history of the Hubert Flodery,

I present you food poisoning. Enjoy. I want to remind you of how good our food is by serving you some mediocre food by people who don't even work here. I'm so glad all of you flew across the country for this momentous

occasion. At least we're on TV, eh? Cheers. So he actually makes everybody dinner and they figure out why they're inspired, man. Like, what's their Hubert-inspired meal? And the reason that just cracked me up

is because what they ended up making. Jeremy, the bro, is like, yeah, bro, you know what? That, like, totally inspired me because I asked him, like, how he got inspired and he was like, I just sit there and then I think about stuff and I draw it. And so I'm making pommes de luce souffle.

Well, that was so funny. That's what's funny about Jeremy because at the beginning of the season, he was really framed as one of the people to beat, even though, as I like to mention every week, we did not enjoy his crudo. But they framed him as the guy to beat, like a very intelligent chef who makes good choices and very refined works for jean george and then over the course of the season he's become more and more of a bro to the point where he's just ridiculous and so now to see that he can be so bro and yet at the same time

be refined and have an appreciation for for refinery and know how to present something in a refined way it's like really hard for my brain to accept. Well, he's coming at it from a service standpoint. He was trained to do all that stuff, because he works for the best. I mean, he works for Jean-Georges. Of course he knows how to make bra. Yeah. What that chick could be called.

Bra. Bra. So, Isaac, you know, the people left kind of seem to be good at least they have the confidence that they're good which leads me to believe that they're good but the past couple of weeks they've done a lot of lame shit so I'm not saying

pomme de souffle or whatever is bad that actually looked good and he was the one who won the challenge because he did something that was refined and interesting and then on the scale and it matched matched Fleur de Lis. And I actually thought it looked good, even though I really generally can't stand Jeremy.

I thought it looked really good. He's hot. He is hot. The rest, they massively overthought their dishes and totally fell for it. Well, Isaac had already done his in a quick fire. I'm like, dude, you just won twice in a row. Do something new.

Don't just start doing shit you already did On this same show Raise the bar Yeah he did I forget what it's called But it's that thing where you take off The skin of a bird And by the way I have my mom

Give me like a Julia Child cookbook And there's some version of that recipe Involving chicken and it's like oh all you do is just take off all the skin of the chicken and keep make sure it stays totally intact i'm like that that's like impossible how does anyone do that julia child for you that's why she was all hunched over at the end all she did was like sit there and concentrate on getting that skin off i am definitely not doing that me neither in case anyone was wondering i know everyone was concerned. Like, do you think that Ben's going to make that dish where he uses the chicken skin?

Guys, I'm so sorry. I'm not going to. Well, as long as you don't make Dooley's dish. Okay, Dooley, you just got out. You just survived this barely by making a crudo again. And now you're going to do something else. He's like, I'm going to make something else that's raw. Yes.

Like, everything I cannot cook. So you know that they also hate that on Top Chef, these judges. Come on, frozen things, things you don't cook. Come on, people. Do you watch his show? They mentioned about 10 million times that it takes three days to do a foie gras torchon. Was it torchon? Is that what it was?

And he was like, yeah, I think I could do it in it in three hours now this is not the same as restaurant wars it's one thing to say it normally takes three days or six weeks to open up a restaurant and here we're doing it in three days that's okay because those are not real restaurants that's that you go to pure one imports and you load in some decor that's different but with food they're actual chemical processes that have to happen when they call it curing that's a hint yes you can't do that without the cure you're feeding disease to people you're like here's some fucking

uncured duck liver have fun yeah poor Marjorie she made some lamb and she was she was mind fucked because all season long they've been telling her that she's been resting the meat too long

and then this time she's like okay I'm not going to rest the meat that much and then they're like you should have rested the meat longer and then she started to cry Marjorie why don't you make bread Marjorie's so strong I do not like to see her cry I want her to win she's my hero this season I want her to win. She's my hero this season.

I want her to win. So I don't like when they're, you know, because they get on everybody. So when they say, Marjorie, why did you not let your meat rest properly? And she's like, well, I just never believed in myself. And so this one time I thought, maybe I believe in myself. But then I didn't. And now I failed. I'm like, why are you talking about your feelings, Marjorie?

I don't want you because of your feelings, okay? I want you because of your lack of them. Go back to being a sociopath. I was so afraid she was going to get eliminated because they showed like a large number of her childhood photos this week. And they've been showing a lot of her photos. Like we have seen so many pictures of adorable 10-year-old Marjorie on this show. Yeah, there is a lot. 10-year-old Marjorie looks pretty much the same

as current-year-old Marjorie. Yeah, pretty much. Both adorbs. Yeah, is she sending all those pictures in, or has her mom just gone crazy? She's like, oh, they need another one. Call that Andy! Like, great, another envelope from Ukiah.

You know what this means. More photos. But I guess, so next week is the finale. We should mention Dooley was eliminated, finally. So the question is, who is going to come back from Last Chance Kitchen? I haven't been watching, so I don't know who Dooley is. I don't know, but now they have three fighting against each other. I don't know, Last Chance Kitchen. I can't with that. against you I don't know the last chance it gets and I can't with that

too much but I can now watch them do something else insanely fast I don't believe you can do something that tastes good that quickly I don't believe it it takes me an hour to chop vegetables for a salad I do not believe someone is going to come up with something beautiful and that is here are the things that could be made

that quickly that are delicious Korean barbecue McDonald's. You could do a lobster. You could do a lobster in that time. You just have to kill it and put it in boiling water for 12 minutes. Yeah, but these shows, you can't just do those. You have to do all these things that sound like they're something good.

Like on Chopped, they're like, here's a lamb's brain, peanut butter, and poop from a squirrel. And then they have to eat it five minutes later. Those poor judges. I know. I don't know. These shows are the most stressful things to me. They really, really stress me out. Well, at the end of the day, you were supposed to say something good for Chef Hubert, and I think you all tried.

Unfortunately, you fell on your face, and what if he has to go home? Padma? Julie, I'm so sorry, but you have to on your face and one of you has to go home. Padma? Julie, I'm so sorry, but you have to pack your knives and go. But before you do that, Gale is still a little hungry. Do you mind giving her some more of your raw

foie gras? Gale's like, I'm not hungry. No, we see it in your eyes, Gale. No, Gale, please. I would rather have an underdone foie gras than an overdone piece of squirrel poop and that's what I'm saying right now for the record oh Gail please just stuff your mouth with

something shut up bless your heart Gail we know you're trying to act like you're full but we know you're gonna go home and raid the fridge for hard boiled eggs well I've had something against burnt charred eggs since the first season of this show, dammit. I have to have

boiled eggs in there just to keep myself sane at night. Oh, Gale. We done? Can we cut? We're good with Tom. Tom's fucking out of there. So, anyway, why don't we move on to Real Housewives of Potomac?

Let's do it. Let's do it. I wrote notes. I took notes because I like Potomac. So I took notes. Hate this show. Hate it. I can't believe how much you hate it and how much I love it.

It's awful. It's great. Go for it. I've still got 20 pages of notes. Don't you worry, Ben. So, it begins with Katie, Giselle. Oh, man. I have been not writing down the time codes and all this shit.

Whatever. Aha, sucka. No, that's not a haha. Because that's karma. I'll get caught with that next time. So, Katie, Giselle, Ashley, and Robin are meeting at a restaurant. Well, first they do that thing where they talk about the last episode. and Robin are meeting at a restaurant because, well, first they do that thing where they talk about the last episode. So

they're talking about how at Karen's party, how Ashley's husband Michael took off his pants to go swimming. Oh, Giselle, after coming in and being like, you're so hot, host. What are you doing tonight? I'm like, okay, your vagina still works. I know. We're right on schedule, everybody. Yeah, technically that would be major sexual harassment if a guy ever said that to

the woman like oh do you have are you single you're hot she looks like she's got money but she doesn't like what are you trying it's like trying to get water from a stone what are you flirting with a host for get out of here lady so um so they're talking about Michael taking off his pants. And I love how they're like, well, he's Australian. We don't do that. We don't do that. But you know those Australians always taking off their pants. And I love that Robin hadn't heard about all this. And when they told Robin, she has like her most Eeyore moment.

She's like, no. What? Your husband trying to take off his pants why would he do that no i'm like what are you acting so offended at your husband's sticking his dick in like 20 mouths in town shut up robin so shocked so katie wants to put together some sort of nebulous undefined event for the Ross Foundation and she wants to do it in two weeks and she wants all these women to help her

and she wants to raise $100,000 also which immediately gave me flashbacks to Deshawn Snow season one Real Housewives of Atlanta trying to raise a million dollars in like a week at her shitty fundraiser. Yep and the one about katie is i still don't get what it is like it's a fundraiser to help other fundraisers so i don't

even know what this is nobody even know what it is she's just like my parents it's very important to my parents that i am in charity so i'm having an event and it's very important to my parents like who cares is this about your parents or your fucking poor starving children who need to get money from a third party there are i mean there are so many red flags around this all and so robin i mean robin i thought had a very good response you know i actually like robin a lot i actually feel like she's pretty bright and she is basically like well you know like we'll help but like if things go wrong if you don't make the money i don't want to be blamed you know because she's thinking professionally like if we put my like we put our like if i put my connections and like my abilities as a publicist like into this and it doesn't make the

money i don't want you to say i'm a bad publicist because you gave me two weeks to put this thing together and invitations haven't even gone out yet yeah but giselle i mean you can make a case for robin being nice but giselle is awful she's like what is this it sounds like it's gonna suck i don't do things that suck i'm like shut up white stove craigslist couch be quiet over there she's right though too she's like it sounds like a hot mess and it works look at you look at your plastic brunette hair under your skunk ass other weave dripping down all over the floor getting shit all over the floor please stop pretending you're classy on my tv stop it listen i wouldn't want to get involved either and i'm not a publicist i i don't want because you know it's because i'm not saying robin i'm saying giselle

i know i'm saying giselle's not a publicist like but like i'm saying, like, if I were asked and I had nothing professional on the line to lose, I still would not want to be involved because you know it would be a disaster. You've got two weeks. You'll be working around the clock for something that's going to be half-baked anyway. I also would be like, whatever. This is half-baked. Like, don't ask me to come in at the 11th hour and do all the heavy lifting. When is the Housewives charity properly baked?

I mean, that's the chocolate lava cake of TV. It's not supposed to be baked all the way through, darling. It's a point. The difference is I'd pay money for a proper chocolate lava cake. I'm not going to pay money for a Deshaun Snow fundraiser. The only people who have truly ever been helped by reality TV are dogs with alopecia, darling. Listen, we've all seen Real Housewives of Miami. We've seen what goes into the black ball, whatever.

Black ball. Whatever, the black Ball, whatever. Black Ball. Whatever, the Black Night, whatever it's called. And it's a lot of work. The Gala Ball. The Gala. It's a lot of work. And these women are basically like, no, we're not going to come in and do this all your work for you when you've been so disorganized to the point that you haven't found a venue

or sent invitations out and it's less than two weeks away. They're bitches. You just say the point that you're just you haven't found a venue or sent invitations out and it's less than two weeks away. They're bitches. You just say yeah, I'll help you. I mean, how much work actually goes into this shit? They get somewhere donated, they show up, they drink some wine, they go home. It's not like they're building homes. Well, I mean, they should have just said they're actually making Karen Huber

look better. Karen Huber's like, well, I'm really busy. That's what she said last week. She was like, well, I appreciate the invitation, but I actually am helping out with a different charity. Yeah, she's awful, but at least she was doing something else. Giselle's just like, well, I'm going to be fucking guys off Tinder, so

make this good, or I'm going home. You're paying for lunch, right? I love Giselle. I know you hate her. I think Giselle is hilarious. She's so phony. I hate people who brag about how much money they have when they don't have any money and act like they have all these manners when they don't have any manners. This show is ridiculous. It's poor people trying to pretend there's something they're not.

And guess what? I see enough of that in this town. Okay, Potomac. So anyway, now the women are all going to Bethany Frankel Beach because... Only way they're getting a Bethany on this show. Yeah. Walls are up around the beach. I've trademarked my name.

You have to change your group trip. Literally, like, this beach, I get this beach. Like, I see what it's about. Okay, it's a beach. You go there. It's water. It's surf. It's swim.

Okay, it's a weekend. Okay, like, I get it. Okay, my walls are down. I'm literally like, don't shoot me now. I want want to go to the beach i want to go to my beach me beach i'm actually gonna call it me beach because it's my beach it's bethany it's spelled even literally the exact same way starts getting a percentage from everybody who builds there yeah trademark yeah except i wouldn't say there were a lot of skinny girls around there um well that's that's her market skinny people don't actually drink diet products. I mean, no offense, thin, think thin bar.

I'm not talking about you. You are. But most, you know, most people who use diet products are people with weight-ish. Yeah. So they're going there. And I like Robin describes Bethany Beach. She's like, well, Bethany Beach is where you take your kids when school lets out.

I was like, great. Sounds like fun. I hope it's at least as classy as that. And I like what she's saying. I'm really excited because I'm really stressed out with all these money issues, so it's time to take a vacation. Listen to yourself, girl.

I really need a vacation from living in my huge house with my super hot ex-husband who I still have sex with. I really need a vacation from that. Oh, Robin. So I wrote Horseface and Sharice, but I think I was skipping to Vanderpump.

Horses and Sharice. Why am I saying that? Horses and Sharice, but I think I was skipping to Vanderpump. But horses and Sharice. Why am I saying that? Horses and Sharice. Well, no, I think you did skip that. Yeah, because next is Ashley talking to her gay friend about how she's like afraid to hang out with the women. Oh, yes. I feel like I'm a freshman and they're like seniors. And like, I'm just trying to prove myself.

It's like really important for me to get involved with this like group of very exclusive women i want to prove myself yeah it's like a really big thing because like these ladies are gonna come to the beach and they're gonna see my house and like we have to use this great lifestyle michael has created for us it's like what you have to utilize a great style what what the fuck are you talking about lady yeah i love her yeah she's feeling these women are like using me like they're grabbing me by my underwear when i'm in the way but like my proverbial underwear you seriously need to be quiet never because i love you so and then we see katie packing and complaining to her gay aka andrew about uh about the women and saying how she's like yeah so it's crazy like basically like i

i invited them to be like chairs on the committee and they were like what it's gonna be in like two weeks it sounds totally disorganized like we don't want to be involved and they were like what it's gonna be in like two weeks it sounds totally disorganized like we don't want to be involved and i'm like whatever happened to doing something good for good people like so i just invited them i'm like shut up katie don't make it sound like they were like they were the ones who were totally unreasonable it's ridiculous for you to invite them to to be like chairs of a board of a charity event that's happening like 10 days katie got so mad this episode you really saw that inner bitch face come out. I mean, it was just all over her face.

It was hilarious. She had like those half-closed Garfield eyes, but mixed with anger. It was so funny. Yeah, she's kind of like, it's kind of, she's been unraveling slowly over the course of the season, and it is amazing.

You know, in the beginning, she was like composed, socialite, but now she's getting like angrier and bitchier and more unstable, and it's going in a great direction. I like when she said, and I was telling him, do you want to support me or do you want to be a cock blocker? I'm like, what?

I'm like, I don't think they want to take on all the work that you don't want to do. I think that's what it was. And whose cock is being blocked? You people and your English, all crazy, all of you. Yeah. I like that she was going off to her gay husband as a little orphan Annie dress

hung behind her. That little red dress. So then we went to commercial break, and when we came back, guess what time it was? Fawn cam! Oh, Fawn cam! It's all dimly lit lamp light.

It was a time-lapse faun this time. That faun, every episode, we get some serious faun time. Was he scared? I missed the faun! The faun, they did a time-lapse faun. They showed the faun grazing across the lawn, but in time-lapse, so it was grazing fast.

Oh! Did he look terrified when he left no it's what it's just i was like that fawn sure was eating fast i wonder if he's on drugs yeah something wasn't right about that fawn it was eating really fast the fawn's like oh i'm not wearing my underwear so i totally have a vagina sweat stain oh my god i'm so embarrassed i've been vagina sweat stain. Oh my god, I'm so embarrassed. I've been walking around the forest and my vagina's been hanging out the whole time. Look.

Oh my god, it's like I feel like I'm a freshman and all the other DR seniors, I just want to get in with them. You know, I really am like into beer and whiskey more than champagne. That's just me. Maybe it's because I'm a fawn and I haven't grown up yet. I like that her gay doesn't even bother listening to her. He's like, girl, you should just show them what Ashley enjoys. And she's like, well, we cannot just swallow a whole fleet of sailors, you know what I mean? I mean, if they show them what an android, I may not come home.

And he goes, good. I was like, what? Are you even in this conversation? He's just like, good, great girl. Now, write me my paycheck. She just said she's not gonna come home. He was literally shot 12 hours later, like in an empty apartment. They just cut

the two together as if they were having a conversation. It was actually footage from a totally different show like oh wait we can use this he's my husband's very best friend. So then we see Karen packing for Bethany Beach. Husband, could you please come from the east wing to the bedroom?

Thank you. Sorry, I was just trying to fix the tube TV in the corner. I'm opening. I was just busy opening a can with a to fix the tube TV in the corner. I'm opening... I was just busy opening a can with a with a key. I was just trying to

send a fax to someone. Turns out no one has fax machines anymore. I was just looking something up in an encyclopedia. I'll be right up, hon. Hold on, honey. The dot matrix printer is still printing out my report.

My husband is the Black Britannica. Oh, lord. So she's talking about this. What's normally for her would be a hideous trip to this Bethany Beach or whatever. But she goes, I'm gonna mentor Ashley, because

I'll consider it charity work. He's like, where are you gonna sleep? She's like, well, I think that some of the women might have to share, but they know that I don't share rooms. I don't sleep with women, so they know that. It's not manners. A woman sleeping with another woman? Ugh, never.

He's like, yeah, you should do it. Yeah. So then she goes off. So she goes off with Ashley in a little convertible. And she's like, where? Where is the dog going to sit? There's just

not going to be room for the dog. I'm like, okay, Karen, just calm down. The dog is the size of the thinky. I sure hope that you have a bowl full of mints. Because in Potomac, when people leave your home, it's good that they pass a bowl of mints. Do you? Do you? No, I mean, man, I didn't even think about it. Like, you have gum.

Can I put my gum out? No, that'll never do in Potomac. Oh, gosh. Karen. I love Karen. So then, meanwhile, so they're in, like, a tiny little car driving off. The rest of the women pile into Katie's SUV,

and you can tell that this is, like, a first-year show, because on the first-year show, they don't want to really, Bravo doesn't want to throw any money at it. So they don't have a driver and they're also not going anywhere special for their cast vacation. So they're going to Delaware for their cast vacation. The Indian Casino. I love that that actually

happened on Game of Crowns. Yeah. Like a long time joke come true. They actually went to the Indian Casino as a group trip. Granted, one of them kind of owned it but still yeah exactly and then and yeah they went to that's right they went to providence they're not province they went to uh newport newport rhode island that was their trip and they went on a sailboat and then they had to turn the sailboat around because uh the man one uh got like a bad phone call so um anyway, so Karen is talking even more about mentoring Katie while in the other car, the women are playing marry,

fuck, kill. And I love that. They're like, all right, let's start Bill Clinton. And you just go, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep, beep, beep, So gross. I like him. They're like, okay, what about 50 and they're like oh no i'm like 50 how did you go from bill clayton to 50 i know but giselle was kind of right she's like he looks like he might start licking you in places you don't want to be licked also she knows he's broke

fucking bankruptcy court getting into trouble again because he's on instagram posing with piles of money in his bed stupid yeah i mean not stupid i don't want to get you know but well not not wise so so then they start they start um pressing katie talking about like russell simmons how she dated russell simmons and some others and katie's like i've dated a lot of incredible men. I'm like, you know that the guys are saying, you know, I've dated a lot of hoes. Yeah. Her story was so sad because Giselle obviously was kind of poking at her, especially as this scene goes on. But Katie's trying to pretend she's so proud. She's like, yeah, I was with Russell for a while.

And then, you know, it got kind of awkward because he was dating somebody else and I just stayed in the house you know I was in the guest room and they're like and then she tells us she's like yes Russell Simmons is still on my speed dial what are you bragging about

yeah she got kicked out I mean she was living in the guest room he had another girlfriend but she knows where the money is so she keeps him on a speed dial for sure but the funny thing is so she wrote some blog some blog posts about this whole breakup thing this girl should have a blog on how never to have to pay rent ever anywhere just like moving from some boyfriend to some other boyfriend so she mentions that she wrote some blogs about it so giselle looks at the blog and starts reading out of it. And then Kitty gets all pissy. And, I mean, you have to side with Giselle when Giselle's like, well, I'm sorry for reading the blog that you put out there.

Like, you put it all out there. You can't be mad that I'm reading it. Yeah, but Giselle's reading it and mocking it at the same time. And then Giselle, I like when Giselle said, now, I know that this has happened to black girls. But I don't know any black girl who's written a blog about it, okay? We do it like Angela Bassett. You find out your man's cheating, you get all his shit on the lawn, and you blow it up. I was cracking up at that.

The blog was hysterical, babe. I had a mud mask on my face, and then this lady who was sleeping with my boyfriend told me off. And she said, I'm just a sad girl with mud on my face. And then this lady who was sleeping with my boyfriend told me off. And she said I'm just a sad girl with mud on my face. I was like, uh... Yeah, like, so weird. Didn't sound like she was too far off, though. And then Katie. Her ex is all over the blogs

for shady shit he does, so she's being a hypocrite. I'm like, yes, you all you all leech on to terrible men for their money congratulations you all lose so then back at ashley's house uh she has hired the most homely chef of all time i mean i think it was craig's mom from southern charm because she's in delaware right how dare you sir how dare you that woman knows how to boil a crab. She was hilarious, though. She had that

haircut of a little girl from 1952. You know? Little Shirley Temple hair. It was a couple. It was kind of that old creepy couple that you pull over on the side of the road because you're almost out of gas and you decide we might as well stay here

for the night. And they're like, do you have a warm blanket? They never quite smile at you. It's them. But normally, the chefs that are hired on these shows are people who are trying to be celebrity chefs or whatever. It's like Chef Roble. But this is just like a mom and pop

came in from somewhere. This was Ashley on Craigslist. Like, I miss you. I'm feeling tonight. They're like, okay, we put some tortillas in a thing and, you know, some sauce. We got some fish sticks for you. Yeah. So, Arrival.

So they all start Arrival. Oh, so they're already there, but I need to scroll down and be stupid notes. But Karen goes into the house and she's like, well, Ashley's summer home isn't something I would own, but Karen goes into the house and she's like, well, Ashley's summer home isn't something I would own, but it is beautiful. Nice try, lady.

Nice try with your Vanderpump. It's comfortable. Well, she means, she's like, it's not something that I would own, because I'm still working my way up to a flat screen TV before we get to a beach house. But it is beautiful, beautiful house. I will see the good wife in high definition

before I die. You know, here's the thing. A real lady does not get high. She lives by standards, which is why I have standard definition, not high definition. Oh, Kieran. So she's walking around like Mrs. Roper

She puts on this big flowy Asa caftan Yeah Is this Kieran's house And is Ashley just a housekeeper Because Kieran looks really comfortable Like she does She's wearing platform heels

And like five spanks She basically was Mrs. Roper like she does. She's wearing platform heels and like five spanks. She basically was Mrs. Roper. It's like, oh, here goes Mrs. Roper down the stairs Family! Oh no, that's Mrs. Garrett. No, that was Mrs. Garrett doing her Mrs. Roper. I wanna have sex, family! Family!

Come and knock on my door. Well, you better knock on the door Because etiquette in Potomac Dictates that you always knock on someone's door Before you dance on their floor Welcome home Blair I'm always here to love ya No matter how angry you get So Robin looks around

Asking about a picture of the step kids Ashley's step kids are I think older than her Both of them it's like 30 Oh you're 21 and 39 I'm like Jesus Christ Lady You could be with one of those guys And still be in a relationship with somebody

A decade older than you damn girl So Charisse is getting all snotty because she the chef comes to the table and she's like i could go for some water and then the chef just ignores her and walks away they are not waiters well she really wants some champagne she's like is it possible the street's voice is very interesting it's like super nasally but also lispy she's voice is very interesting. It's like super nasally, but also lispy. She's like, Is it possible to get some champagne around here? Yeah. Can I have some champagne? I don't know that I

can do elderflower. I can't drink a glass of myself. And now she's like, Really? I like the elderflower. And you're like, Yeah, I don't like it. No, I don't like it either. Yeah, it's pretty bad. It's pretty shitty. It sort of tastes like toilet water with perfume in it. Girl, when you got bad. It's pretty shitty. It sort of tastes like toilet water with perfume in it. Girl, when you got a palate used to Costco Prosecco, there ain't no going back.

There is nothing in the world that's going to taste good again. Mm-hmm. So anyway, oh, and then Katie was talking about how she was, like, really annoyed that Giselle had Googled her earlier on the ride over, and you know that Ashley was pissed. She's like, oh my god, I love to Google. I Googled you too. Everyone got so mad at me, so I tried to Bing everybody, so they stopped being mad, but it was lame. So I went back to Google.

Google sisters. That's so cool that you Google. That's what I love to do. I love to Google stalk everyone. Sometimes I like to Google, but then I like to do the search tools and press all results this week. It's totally different. Have you ever used the cached results? That's so cool.

I feel like I'm in junior high and Google's in high school, and it's hazing me. I'm like, oh, Google, ow. So then they're eating dinner, and then the mom chef comes over and is like, So we're finished here, so here's the bill. That was bad. Giselle was like, I have never seen someone who works for me hand me a bill in front of guests. A vendor does not hand. hand me a bill in front of guests and she goes a vendor does not hand though i love that giselle is talking about manners while she's over on the other end of the table going oh is this your ex's

house yeah i would have sold it like she is so rude everything that comes out of her mouth is fucking rude and then she's like how dare you manners liar you be quiet over there she's right you're like you got damn dinner tonight. But she's right. I was like, whoa, that's ballsy of the chef. They were trying. Derek, you paid for two hours. We've been here four.

Give us our goddamn money for a wet burrito so we can go home. Yeah, well, that's what I imagine probably really happened. They probably were there for hours, and they were listening to these women talk shit about their food. And then we're like, you know what? This is not worth it for us. We have a junior league to get to. Yeah, they're sitting there being rude about the food

at the table, giving it dirty looks as they talk about manners. Oh, God. And then just Jizz. I just keep writing down Jizz because I don't like her. When Jizz said, if this is the ex's house I would have sold it. And when Jizz said, if this is the ex's house, I would have sold it. And Ashley goes,

well, I've been considering selling it, but I think maybe after I have a baby. She's like waiting for the power before she starts making real estate moves in this relationship. You know, not an idiot. Can't wait to see the vagina stands after that. And then talked about having to jerk her husband off.

Oh, yeah. She's like, I love this poem. They've been using the poem method for four years. And they're like, what do you do for the rest of the time? She's like, jerk him off. I'm like, ew, gross. I'm like, well, yes, job.

Okay, so no one's allowed to talk about their work at the dinner table now. So showrooms. Robin and Giselle okay so this is where they get to see their rooms i love when i love when like adults on these shows freak out about being in a twin bed i mean i mean i like robin's reaction because robin just starts cracking up and she's just like she can't even stand up straight because she's laughing so hard i like that reaction giselle though was a total prima donna i love giselle but she's being prima donna just the way everyone's always a prima donna

anytime they see a twin bed the only one who has actually never been a prima donna about a twin bed was our old friend leah black remember when they went to the caribbean and she's like all right i'll sleep in a twin bed i don't care i'll be here sleeping in the twin bed i'll call downstairs and buy the hotel what do you think of that? Dads are going to say these hotels have the most comfortable twin beds in Texas. What do you think of that? I love twins. How fun. How fun is that?

I love the twin cities. This reminded me of a story a guy at the Toyota dealership told me once while I was waiting for an oil change, man. I said, they gave me some I mean, it was like a decent little rental. And I was waiting for the paperwork or whatever. And he said, oh, thanks for taking it. Do you have money?

And I said, no. Why do you say that? And he said, because usually the people who will take any car are usually the people who are rich. The only people who complain and demand to get a better and better car and they'll sit in here and fight for hours are poor people who want to pretend they're rich. Rich people do not care. And that's what Giselle reminds me of

in every scene and every episode. And I'll be quiet about it now. No, you can still harp on it. I don't mind, Ronnie. I know, but I hear myself. I'm like, oh my God, okay, we gotta get in there. Giselle wasn't the only one complaining because then Charisse and Brene

upstairs get to see their twin beds, and then Charisse has this totally obnoxious response because each bed has a little name tag and she's like, that's not me, honey. I have two R's in my name, so therefore that does not belong to me.

And Brene's like like and you misspelled mine i'm like shut up bitches you're being hosted you have names that don't make any damn sense and charise is not spelled with two r's so maybe you should spell your name right both of you and then complain well yeah how about bernie is spelled without a b how about that it's renee not brené so the point the point is this just be happy that you were getting a free weekend at the beach okay like stop complaining Jesus the most I'm never I never cease to be amazed at how

ungracious these women are on all these shows whenever they go traveling somewhere and they complain my name isn't spelled right oh I don't have the best room I don't it's just you know what you're getting a free weekend every time you go to a keychain store and they don't have your name spelled right. It's because your name's spelled wrong.

Stupid. Also, Sharice, this is like the first time you've gone to bed with somebody else in the room in months. You'd think you'd be a little more grateful. Yeah, you'd think. After all this complaining about your husband not being there, then you start saying like, I don't like being alone. Well, what do you think your husband's been doing? He's been respecting you. Exactly.

Robin was the one who had the best response. She's like, you're not going to melt. You're not going to die. Just get a grip. I was like, thank you, Robin. Thank you. Robin's like, my kids ate tuna out of the couch this morning for breakfast, okay? Just to be glad we're not watching that.

So the next morning, they are they all make breakfast giselle doesn't help out then there's complaints about that there was no air conditioning in giselle and robin's room and then they're all gonna go out to the beach and she's just like is there a cabana is there a cabana can i get a cabana at the beach? I'm like, you're in Delaware. You're not in San Tropez. You are at Bethany Beach with a bunch of school kids who are out from school. Okay? Just enjoy the good humor, Kurt, when it comes by and be quiet.

Get your ice cream when you hear the song. Otherwise, stay out of the street. Yeah. Okay. All right. Just get over yourself. get your ice cream when you hear the song otherwise stay out of the street yeah okay alright just get over yourself enjoy the water you are at a beach in Delaware if you even try to act like you're living the glamorous life you will be ejected

yeah too late there's cameras okay weirdos and they're all at the beach and here we go with another old lady watching the young lady surf and then talking about their body the entire time making them do a lineup it was kind of sad and creepy and I like that the

young girls are like suck it bitches who cares they're like oh well look at who has the best butt okay now let's look at everybody's butt and Karen was getting all hoity toity she's like you know if it were me i would have done something something else you know i would have preferred a boating exposition like something safe like uh you just flew on a plane privately last week i mean you

just flew yourself on a plane last week what are you talking about but i like the idea of a boating exposition because the idea of like a whole bunch of boats coming by for her to peruse. I know she meant expedition, but I reserve the right to harp on. It's a boat expo. She's actually in a civic center. She's like, I'm having a party on this docked boat

that's on the civic center floor and not even in the water. Now listen, Lord knows I say the wrong word a billion times on every episode of the podcast, but I reserve the right to harp on any housewife who uses the wrong word at any given time. So if you say boating exposition instead of expedition, I'm going to come for you.

Well, here I am in the boat expo, and, you know, I know that my boat is naturally nicer than the other boats on the floor, but these ladies didn't even arrive in a boat. They came in a car. That's not how we do things in Potomac. Just give me memories of Mo Collins on Arrested Development playing the model from the boat show. Oh, the boat show.

I used to go to boat shows as a kid in the Civic Center. Guess where? In El Paso, Texas. And guess where there's never boats? In kid in the Civic Center. Guess where? In El Paso, Texas. And guess where there's never boats? In El Paso. There ain't no water in El Paso, Texas. You can drive to Elephant Butte with like a little man-made whatever, but you ain't going in there. Wait, I thought the Rio Grande was near there, no?

No one's in a boat in the Rio Grande. That's a river, you know. Right. You don't see boats. Yeah, I guess you just see pontoons and stuff. No, not really. You swim it. Yeah, that that when you swim you don't take a boat over you know it's too fast i know nothing about the rio grande wow you're sure missing a lot ben oh the the good times i've had watching that dirty river try and drive me to mexico So anyway, speaking of dirty rivers,

the women go back after the beach, and they change in their clothes, and this is when Ashley shows off that she has a sweat stain from her vagina on her dress. She's like, No, I totally didn't get any underwear, and so now I totally have a sweat stain from my vagina. And she turns around and shows it to us.

It's sweat from my poot. Look, look at my poot. I'm sweaty. I forgot to do the pull-out method with my sweat. So, because it's this show, we have to have another crab boil. Yes. And some of the people are out shopping for the crabs, and Ashley's still hanging out with Robin. And everything that comes out of her mouth is hilarious.

After the poop thing, she's like, oh, no, this, I think, is when they're actually at dinner. So the ladies go get. They're talking about farts and shitting, yeah. Yeah, so then Ashley opens dinner with. Everyone's like, oh, wow, this crab is so good, blah, blah, blah. And she's like. My friend told me the other day her husband walked in while she was pooping. She was so offended.

I poop in front of my husband all the time. He doesn't care. He's 70, okay? You get used to poop. Charisse is like, can you please pass the Prosecco? I can't deal with this right now. Can we not talk about this right now? Guess whose husband has never

watched him poop. Because he's not even there. Can we talk about the fact now? Guess whose husband has never watched him poop. Man. Because he's not even there, so... Can we talk about the fact that we're eating dinner upstairs? This is totally rude and uncalled for. And then her being the bitchiest one out of everybody tonight. And that's quite a

feat on this show, because they're just bitchy for no reason. She's all bitchy and giving everybody a dirty look, and then she goes, Alright, everyone. I'm gonna do a sister circle because this is when I started years ago with the basketball life like how'd that work out for you exactly

I want everyone to say something really lovely about each other so first I'm gonna start with Robin I wanna thank you for never coming upstairs when you haven't been invited that really means a lot to me giselle goes so giselle calls katie she's like you know one thing i really like about you is that you're sort of like unassumingly brilliant you know you say things i'm like huh and then i

realize whoa that was really intelligent katie's like, whoa, she just called me stupid? Did she just call me stupid? First she's against my charity, and then she calls me a drug addict, and now this? Like, uh. Actually, she didn't. But the thing is, the funny thing is that Giselle is saying you're actually smarter than you appear. But that's actually not the same as saying you're actually smarter than you appear but that doesn't that's actually not the same as saying you're stupid it just means that you know like you're in giselle language it is because she's saying oh yeah i mean idiot and you have to get to know you too it was past realizing you're

smart giselle's like aggressive aggressive she is going hard for this girl and it's cracking me up because it's like hard on this show. Well, because Katie uninvited her from the thing. So Giselle's like, oh, okay. So now Giselle's going to come at her. Plus, she's already been calling her a drug addict for two weeks on TV. Yeah, that's true. She's been going after her the whole time because she's younger, hotter, and she's fucked more famous people.

That's true. And they also, I feel like they had like a very minor dust up at one point. And this is probably like the repercussions of it. But either way, yeah, no, this has been like a slow brew feud, mainly on Giselle's side.

Probably ever since, ever since that awful, like baby naming at Katie's house. So, I guess so. Oh yeah. She was saying she came after my race, my religion.

And now this, I'm like, I like that you're comparing grace and religion to like whatever stupid thing she just said like yeah unassumingly smart yeah well katie also needs to learn to learn what a real struggle is what it really means to have someone come after your race religion but um and then uh what's her name brent renee she's like yeah i remember when we were at that party we all thought you were on something katie ha ha ha and then they laugh and cut away now this brene is on every episode she might as well be a housewife yeah it's not like they're fascinating with us with anybody else's storylines instead but she's on every episode and some stuff came out about her this week about her being

a lawyer that was disbarred because of some i don't know sting operation with uh but i mean i guess a lot of stuff's going to be coming out on the show maybe she'll become a housewife soon so pay attention to brené she's actually brené is entertaining i like brené i actually like her but you know for some reason i like all the women on this show even though you hate them all i like them um but then so then it's the only one I have to say so far. Well, Ashley, too. And Katie's OK. I mean, Katie is a faker, but I still semi like her.

But I think the rest are just fakers. I like that Renee is not a faker. She just says what's on her mind. Now, then again, we've only seen her, you know, a couple of minutes every show. Karen cracks me up. She has a stick up her ass, but she cracks me up. And she has some very funny one-liners giselle i think is hilarious i love giselle so um so the women go inside and they're still doing sister circle time and they're like does anyone have anything to share and giselle's like yes i have something to share so i took some of

that specialty you know and i was like ready to go i was like horny and i was meeting with like mr miami and like i was horny he's like well why don't we go back to the hotel room so we get back to the hotel room and i go into the bathroom and i just shit everywhere i have full on diarrhea everyone's like okay she's like so like that's what you want to share about yourself she's like yeah and then of course the whole reason that Charisse brought this stupid sister circles up for basketball wives is because she wanted to cry about her divorce. That's the only reason.

When the person who says, I want to go around the room, and I want us to all say something that's on our mind. You know they just want to cry. So just say, cut to the point, cry about what you need to, and we'll watch TV after. Charisse. Watch TV after. say cut to the point cry about what you need to and we'll watch tv after charise because she's like oh it's like we're still getting divorced and she's like you know i don't i don't care about material things i only can't i would like i don't care about stuff like that

i care about relationships i don't care about material things i'm like oh yeah well then shut up about your twin bed if you don't care about material things and not only that but stop letting your husband move to a different state just so you can stay in your material things around your fancy friends get out of here lady you don't care about material things and then it's followed up with giselle the biggest faker in the world oh yeah material things don't matter you know um when i was getting a divorce i had to say this doesn't matter anymore and i walked away from his ass when i had enough evidence to still be supported you don't have to have it one way or the other girl you can still have the material fucking stupid she didn't even say that but they're so fake and then karen well i've learned

that the material things aren't important because my mother has dementia dementia and i'm like oh my god so now you guys are gonna try and top poor not poor charise because i don't feel bad for her but you're gonna try and top charise crying monologue she had to listen to your shit stories and everything else now you guys got to try topper with your own problems being worse than bitches well then and then robin finally stepped up to play, and she's like, well, you know, I think I told you, but, like, I had a friend who took a lot of money from me, and... It was like, to be continued.

I was like, this is our cliffhanger? Like, I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. I thought we were real friends. I had to go to work today. I was like, it better not have been Uncle Gilbert That handsome It's probably like the tax people

She's like the IRS I thought I was friends with that girl IRS and then she threatened to throw us in jail If we didn't give her half of our money So next week we'll find out the trauma Of Robin And then we have this big thing Where Michael shows up at the gay bar And now they're going to start calling him gay

Which is fun We do not do Your husband is not a woman and he is not gay I am done Oh wow The husband showed up to a group event Shoot the woman Well it's my favorite Real Housewives trope.

When a guy shows up on a women's trip and the women all freak out. Yeah, this poor cast really has got to find something to do. I am very happy with Potomac. Very happy. It entertains me. Well, let us know if you are into Potomac or if you think like it's shit.

Or think it is shit. Or think it is shit. Not think like it is shit. So come to facebook.com forward slash watch where crap ends. And leave your comments there. We'll be posting this episode on Facebook. So go find it there and leave comments there. And be sure to sign up at Patreon to hear our bonus episode. And all the other good stuff.

We love you all. Lisa Rinna, still waiting for the croissants. I really am serious about that. If I'm going to have carbs, they better be celebrity carbs, okay? You know they're going to be from Ralph's. That's where she shopped. We learned last week. Oh, yeah.

Listen, I've been around this city a long time, and I know the best croissants come from Ralph's. If Merle would have left this in the backseat on accident. Here's for you. Josie, Bassett, and I used to always go hunting for croissants, and we found out they're all at Ralph's, okay? Bye. Bye, everyone. Try Texture for free right now when you go to texture.com slash crappins.

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