Watch What Crappens - #2744 Summer House S09E03: UnDiplo-matic Relations
Episode Date: February 27, 2025Kyle rage texts Paige before his DJ gig on Summer House and a new, proud f boy joins the house. To watch this recap on video, listen to our Traitors bonus episodes, and participate in live ep...isode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Get Tickets for the Mounting Hysteria tour at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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Hi, how are you?
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So how are you feeling today, man?
I'm feeling great.
It's Thursday, which means that when we're done with this podcast, I'm going to go get
a bagel and I'm like really, really, really excited about it.
I'm going to try a new bagel place.
So I'm excited about that.
And you know, summer house, I mean, you know, like here we are at the summer house.
So, you know, I love this show.
I will always love this show. I will always love this show. This girl, Lexi, she is trying
me and I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing because I am rolling my eyes
so hard with this girl. And then at the same time, I think, but isn't that what we tune
in for? Don't we come to these shows to have idiots make us just cringe and scowl? So I
don't know. I think I'm landing on, I'm feeling great.
How about you?
Well, as far as Lexi goes, you know,
she's kind of a ding dong, but I love a ding dong.
And I've had this girl as my friend multiple times
in my life, and we'll always have this kind of archetype
of a girl as my friend.
I just think they're so fun, just someone who's like,
I'm just gonna jump in no matter what, Who cares if it hurts me? You know,
now they're the ones I pick up from jail usually at some point in their lives because they've
gone crazy and put a brick through someone's windshield. But I mean, she's a dodo bird. I
like her. The guys that are making me crazy are the two guys. For me, it's Wes and Jesse. Jesse,
especially is just, I already knew Wes was such a douchebag
and we got little hints of douchebag from Jesse,
but Jesse's just so grody to me.
Ugh, he's just the worst
and he's the worst qualities in a man.
The bad like, ha ha ha, charm your pants off literally
and then be like, but wait,
I think we're moving a little fast.
Get your dick out of me then.
How about that?
How about get your dick?
I don't understand when it became so crazy
to expect that if you're fucking someone,
they're not fucking half the town.
And I'm saying that as a gay person.
Our natural state, a lot of us is fucking half the town.
But if you're hooking up with someone,
I don't think it's so crazy to be like,
I don't wanna be hooking up with you,
plus all of the other petri dishes
that you've been sticking your penis in, sir.
I don't think that that's equal to asking for marriage.
So that's where I am.
I'm starting with some man rage, some male rage.
Yeah, I think we said last season
that Jesse really was benefiting from the fact
that all of his hookups happened
with people who were outside the house and sort of like after hours.
And we predicted that, you know,
as soon as he starts going after someone
that's in the house, he's gonna have his douchebag season.
And I think he's on his way.
He's laying the foundation.
He's doing the good boys thing.
He's being cute and sweet and flirty,
but we definitely can see that the bottom's gonna fall
out of this situation very soon.
Yeah, so we start with this 4th of July party
and Bailey is blowing up a balloon
with confetti inside of it
and then accidentally breathes some of it in.
I mean, who does that?
Who breathes back in balloon air?
You shouldn't do that when there's not confetti in there.
Stop breathing in balloon air.
And then she's like, oh my God, I wasn't ready for that.
And I was like, well, you would be if you'd ever hooked up
with a guy in this house, because you know
that's how they are. You know, they don't even have any kind of warning. You're lucky
you left.
Yeah, they left confetti splooge. They, yeah, this maybe explains why we don't see her really
anymore for the rest of the season, we predict, because maybe she inhaled too much confetti
and Bravo's like, just a liability, legal liability, just scrap her, scrap her.
She got confetti lung and had to like be think.
Yeah, it's the second leading cause of death in Appalachia.
So then we go to Wes in his room
and he's like hanging out with Jesse
and he's knocking the bathroom door,
just like, I'm pooping.
And he's like, oh really?
He's like, well, we talked.
He's like, no way, dude, whatever.
There's this pooping.
Just pooping in the room.
And you know, Wes wants a gold medal
for going into someone's room and going,
are you mad at me?
He's like, good job, bro.
He's like, well, she wasn't that mean.
I mean, I think, cause we're like, cool.
Well, I mean, not really cool,
but she didn't abuse me again.
I'm just a poor, poor little guy.
Put a shirt on, sir, okay?
Put a shirt on.
I actually feel sorry for Wes
because the internet's been so mean about his nipples.
My God, are we nipple shaming?
What the hell?
I didn't even notice his nipples, did you?
We are.
I didn't until someone sent us a hideous drawing
of an exaggerated...
Yeah, I didn't need to see that, I didn't need to see that.
I didn't need to see that.
It was just like big cartoon nipples and it was...
Stuff coming out of them.
It was too much.
It was too visceral.
It was too visceral.
A lot of those drawings are really intense for me.
I'm not going to lie.
I am just like, when I see them, I'm like, ugh sort of, it's, they remind me of what was that puppet show from the eighties?
Um, it was like, I don't know. It's always shared me. Yeah.
It is like the drawing form of it. It's like too much for me.
You know that puppet show that puppet from like Mr. Roger's neighborhood or
whatever, where it's like the wooden, I guess they got wooden faces.
Like they're like wooden. Yeah. Like the old, oh, they're just, they're so creepy.
Show more emotion, puppet.
Show more emotion, don't be so wooden.
Yeah.
Well, there was that puppet show from the 80s.
I was like political and they always had like a puppet
of like Ronald Reagan and like Margaret Thatcher and stuff.
And they did like that, the music video.
You know what?
I'm going down, I'm going down a hole here
and I'm gonna, I'm to pull myself out of it.
The point is, Wes's nipples, they're a lot, especially in drawn form.
I'm actually kind of thankful because, you know, I've got a lot of body issues and stuff
like that and I don't need to go into that.
But I will say on a positive note, I've never been prouder of my nipples.
I've got just little tiny baby hard nipples.
They're not like crazy big ones.
I feel like if anybody was going gonna draw me in a horrific way,
it would be a lot of other things,
but my nipples would be safe.
So I felt good.
It was like a really good episode
for nipple positivity for me.
I honestly really did not pay attention to his nipples.
Were people saying that like they were big,
like were they long, were they like the areolas big?
Was it like-
Yeah, they're just nipple shaming him. I mean, mean I don't know I don't need to get into all the details
They all said different like hamster
Hamster-esque yeah like hamster mom nipples. I don't know but it was disturbing because I had never thought to be insecure about my nipples
I mean with everything else I've got going on
I just never even thought about that so I had like a long hard lip look at my nipples in that in the mirror
And I was like not so bad. I've got nipple pride. So that was good for you. Thanks for you. It's been a good well Sierra then goes and tells Amanda that she had a
conversation with West and
She's like do you feel better than yesterday?
Do you feel good to get it off your chest and she's like, yeah
I just feel like I can't fucking wait to meet the person I'm supposed to be with so I can literally go and hide away on a farm.
And Amanda's like, wow, maybe you've already met him at some point in your life.
So I was like, okay, whatever.
But then fast forward to later in the episode, there's like a moment with Sierra and Carl
and Carl's like, oh, I just got a couple of that from Sierra.
Oh, I'm like, please don't sow the seeds that Carl has been like, Sierra's Mr.
right all this time. I am just not going to co-sign this. I'm going to nip this in the
bud. I am not shipping Sierra and Carl. Yeah, they better not be. I mean, I would hope that
Sierra's smarter than that, but I have watched her with Austin, Wes, and who's the other one?
Luke, I guess. Well, I don't know hard for me to get hard. I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard. I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard.
I mean, I think it's hard for me to get hard. I mean, I It's just harder for him to get hard. Yeah, it's still a fuck-up.
It's just harder for him to get it up.
I would of course, it's harder for me to get hard
because I really pay attention to things that are soft.
My branding is all soft now, so.
Our love making is a little bit different.
I talk to a lot of friends.
And Sierra says, yeah, I just need to.
I'm not allowed to get hard.
I don't wanna go off brand.
So Sierra's like, yeah, I just need to talk to my psychic.
No, no more psychics on this show.
Last time you had a psychic,
they said that Lindsay fucked Bluke, remember?
That was that page that's like, oh my God,
let's tell Hannah, let's tell everybody about the psychic.
How about instead of consulting your psychic,
why don't you consult your fact-ticked
and let's look at your facts, which is don't find love on this show
and you'll be much better off.
There you go, that's the fact.
Yeah, get some taste.
How about that?
So then we go to Carl and Jesse hanging tinsel
and Paige is like, oh my God,
you can't even figure out how to wrap it around the pole?
Oh my God, stupid men.
And Jesse's like,
we know how to work with Paul de Sorbo.
So then they're setting up more things and-
I'm so mad at his teeth.
Why is it his teeth?
It's like every time I see them,
I'm like, put your fucking teeth away.
He's just so tooth forward.
He's like, oh yeah, and that works in tensile.
Put your fucking teeth away.
It's like a bunch of medieval knights going to battle with those shields.
So Amanda is, Amanda's giving West direction on how to hang something else and she can't
quite get it right.
And Paige is like, oh, I love men and their little pea brains.
Guys, I think whoever loses, we do the dunk tank tomorrow morning.
Like, yeah.
And so that's what they're gonna do.
And so then-
Carl doesn't really have a lot going on.
So basically they're using Carl to do
like the captain obvious posts, you know,
the people who just kind of describe
what's going on in the house.
So he's like, what we're doing is we're like
having a contest about whether the girls
can make better decorations or the guys soft.
Oh, glad Carl's back. I'll know what's going on. Sorry, this is or the guys. Soft. Ah. Glad Carl's back.
I'll know what's going on.
Sorry, this is for the boys.
Ha.
So everyone's getting ready and now everyone's arriving
and Lexi does a shot and she's like,
oh my God, my nipples just went so hard.
And then people are partying
and there's just like a lot of, it's like a lot of chaos.
It's like a standard summer house scene
where there's like, and everyone's like dancing and crazy
and Carl's wearing a wiener costume
because he's just kind of like wild and crazy now.
It's liberated because Lindsay isn't there.
And it's boys versus girls.
So the boys want to win this party
by dressing like hot dogs and ketchup and mustard, okay?
Because the boys are like, the boys are led by Kyle,
and Kyle's like, you know what people want?
Costumes, that's what they want.
People wanna see Amazon costumes in real life.
And then the girls actually rented stuff,
because Paige is more about just getting caterers
to do shit, so she's like, we have a snow cone machine,
beer pong, and no man nipples, so.
Yeah, so then Lexi and Bailey go down like a water slide or something like that, or Bailey does, machine, beer pong and no man nipples. So. Yeah.
So then Alexi and Bailey go down like a water slide or something like that,
or Bailey does. And Amanda's like, Oh, to be young again.
I remember when I was in my twenties last year. And then Paige is like,
it was really hard.
Kyle kept cheating on me. It's like, you didn't get to be a child.
You had too much Kyle trauma.
Yeah, she really did not. So then Paige tells us like, you didn't get to be a child. You had too much child trauma. Yeah, she really did not.
So then Paige tells us like,
this is like the first summer that I feel old.
Like they feel so young and nice and like full of life.
And I'm like, are you even registered to vote?
Like I have like acid reflux.
Like they don't, they don't even know what that is.
You know, I've always considered Paige old, which is weird.
And I don't mean she looks old or anything.
I mean, she's like a very pretty young lady or whatever.
And she came on here super young.
But I've just always thought of Paige as like a bitchy mom in the country club, like that
my mom used to hang out with back in the day.
And you know, it's not the fanciest country club.
It's like I'm from the El Paso country club, you know, but I just, those ladies drinking
fronsia in the backyard, just one of them gets up and you talk about how fat their kids gotten, you know, but I just, those ladies drinking Franzia in the backyard, just one of them gets up
and you talk about how fat their kid's gotten.
You know, one of those.
So I've always looked at her as just kind of
an old country club lady.
So it's interesting that she ever really identifies as young.
Mm, yeah.
I feel like she's me.
Like I hit 40 years old when I turned 12
and I stayed 40 years old for a really long time.
Excuse me, what are your pronouns?
Is there a they, she, her, they, them?
Young, younger, thank you.
My pronouns are sir, ma'am.
So now Jesse's in the kitchen with some random friends
and a girl is like,
who's that girl with the thong and the shorts?
And it's Lexi, they're talking about Lexi. And the girl's like, do you like her? And Jesse's like, I's that girl with the thong and the shorts? And it's Lexi, they're talking about Lexi.
And the girl's like, do you like her?
And Jessie's like, I do like her.
And they're like, oh my God, Jessie.
Oh my God, Jessie, you found a child
to follow around, congratulations.
Okay, so then we meet the real cast,
Lexi's fucking family, girl.
I know, I was so glad that we finally had
a drag race crossover moment.
This, now this is a Texas family. I know. I was so glad that we finally had a drag race crossover moment.
Now this is a Texas family. This is a family I've, oh my God, that's, this is a thirsty family. This is a family built on thirst.
I'm like, why, why is Lexi's sister coming in like she's auditioning to be on RuPaul? I mean,
she, her face was like, it was beyond beat. I mean, that what is happening over here.
I think that's why I got Texas from this family. Cause it's just like blonde makeup, you know,
lips out to here. And that girl was definitely thinking this is my first episode on my new
show, you know? And from what I hear, Lexi is somewhat of an influencer and her, she
just works with her mom and her sister.
So they're like a thing, they're like a package.
And so I'm excited to see what they bring
because I can guarantee you it's gonna be very thirsty.
I can't even imagine life without my sister.
And like with my mom too,
my mom's like my best, best, best friend.
And like growing up, I think a lot of people thought that
because I was like a model,
I know they thought I thought I was better than them.
So kids like weren't always nice to me.
So I think that's why I'm like so close to my family, because they allow me to be myself.
It's just like so hard when you're pretty, because when you're really pretty
and like a model, people are so mean to you.
I'm like, OK, Trevor projects. OK.
It gets better. Lexi. Go for it.
So Jesse is called over.
She's like, Jesse, get your American ass over here.
Because we're from Canada.
So he comes over and meets the family and Tiffany's like, hi, nice to meet you, I'm Tiffany.
We know Tiffany, girl, I knew your name
before you even walked in the door.
I could sense you were Tiffany.
No offense to all the Tiffany's out there.
She's doing like Aida Totoro drag, it's wild.
And so Tiffany's like, nice to meet you.
And Jesse's like, hey Tiffany, great to meet you.
Your sister likes me. Yeah, he likes me. And Jesse's like, I mean, great to meet you. Your sister likes me.
Yeah, he likes me.
And Jessie's like, I mean, what's not to like?
And like, she's like, we're who?
For you.
Like, wouldn't you look at her?
Look at her.
Have you ever seen such a juicy booty?
And we cut around to the guest party and Carl's like, Hey, hey everybody who voted for me, high fives for soft.
Oh, that was too hard of a high five.
Try it again, try it again.
Try it again.
I'm gonna have to talk about this in the kitchen later.
That was traumatizing.
Anyone looking to grab a hot dog?
And if you are, do you mind grabbing
that hot dog a little tighter?
Tighter, tighter, put your weight on this hot dog?
So Sierra sees Carl and she's like, oh my god Carl
You should just like keep wearing your hair like that because like new gel agree
You know new gel grease or whatever you put in that like I don't know like I like that texture
It's like you have good hair texture. He's like, oh my god
Sure, like just gave me a compliment, I haven't been friends with her
because it was so hard,
because I couldn't be friends with any of the girls
because I was dating a terrorist.
But now that I'm allowed to be kind to women again,
it's amazing that they're nice to me.
Shut up, Carl.
Yeah, Carl, you're not friends with people
because you've been awful to people for years.
Don't think that you forgot. It's all L think that you forgot. Yeah, I can be nice. I can be nice. I see our
sorry. Amazing. I got a compliment. I really mean so much. Everybody knows like I'm a little awkward
and like I kind of am like getting my feet back under me. So for like Sierra to like give me a
little boost, it feels good. Like, which is mostly like, feels good. What do you mean you're getting
your feet back under you? How long do you need your feet back under you? What did you ever have them under you in the first place?
I don't know you can get have them have your feet back under if they weren't there in the first place
He needs to relax. Okay, this is too much. I'm sick of it
I'm sick of the like kid gloves around Carl thing
You know, I applaud him for sobering up and getting his life together
But like at a certain point you have to, you know,
go out into the world.
The baby phone thing is no longer working.
Poor Carl.
If he wasn't with Lindsey,
he would have had been friends with everybody.
So then Carl's announcing everybody, all right,
you got a little bit between boys and girls.
Boys, we got like some cool stuff.
You know, we got costumes and we got a hot DJ, hot DJ.
All right, Frank Sinatra mix coming up next.
45 year old DJ over here.
And Lexi's like, the girls have boobs in a bar, so.
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He's like, she's like, she's not, she doesn't enjoy these parties. Like this is Amanda's role. I think the only reason why Amanda attends parties is solely so she can get the microphone
and tell everyone to go home.
You know, she's like,
cause she's not, she doesn't enjoy these parties,
but she loves saying,
you don't have to go home,
but you can't stay here, Kyle.
Like that is what she dreams of.
She likes cosplaying as the person she wishes
was at every bar that Kyle was at until four
in the morning.
Yeah, this is...
That's a matter of sexy cosplaying.
She's really getting to live out something here.
She's like, Kyle, come to bed.
I'm wearing my security shirt.
And then everyone votes and okay.
And guess what? The girls win.
Of course they win because it's A, girls,
so girls rule, boys rule, and on top of that,
the guys put on a stupid party with hot dog costumes.
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So now we go to Jessie's room and she's taking off her shorts and Jessie's like,
can I get a picture of that? Juicy booty. And then Carl's ordered pizza and wings for everybody.
And Paige is in bed of course with Amanda and Sierra. And she's like, my god, what are they
doing down there? Is everybody making out and falling in love? And then we cut to them. And
yeah, it's pretty much that. It's a bunch of old creepy fucking guys
with all the youngest girls in the house, like,
oh, wow, creepy.
Jesse and Lexi are like curled up on the sofa together,
and Jesse's like, I'm not good at planning trips,
but I like going on them.
Really?
I wanna go on like safari, like in Africa.
Like, I wanna learn about like... Wait, like in Africa. Like I wanna learn about like...
Wait, I don't even wanna know what you wanna learn about
because I think the big problem is
I just haven't had a girlfriend to go on safari with.
Ha!
And then she kisses him.
I'm like, I can't.
She's like, Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe He's like I wanna go on a safari like I am kind of mad because I wanted to know the rest of her sentence.
Like I want to go on a safari like in Africa because like I want to learn about like, I
don't know, like where do dogs come from?
Where do cats come from?
Why are they always fighting?
Am I right?
I want to go on a safari in Africa because I want to find out like what bookmarks are
like in their wild and natural habitat.
It's like, that's not Safari.
I've been to my search history, but I've never been to me.
You can just have so many tabs open when you go on Safari in Africa.
So then, page of the man.
How come if I talk about a product
then suddenly I'm getting ads for it all over my Facebook.
Oh.
Do they have Firefoxes on Safari?
So Amanda's like, now they're like looking at her,
at like see social media,
then now they're doing the background check.
And Amanda's like, she's like the hottest girl that Jesse's been with.
And Paige is like,
you think she dated Brooklyn Beckham
and Kyahyip Kerber's brother?
And they're like,
Paige goes,
good for her.
Yeah, so that's why she's dating Jesse, I guess,
like the storyline,
which of course is why he's doing it too.
You know, I don't know how you ever trust love
when you find it on TV.
I don't know how you do, but they're doing it.
And I think the girl's subtext there is like,
wow, she's slumming it.
Like here she is now with Jesse.
Like what happened to the Beckham?
What happened to the Gerber?
Come on, man.
Yeah, yeah.
Now you just have Jesse.
You have Solomon.
So now they're all gonna go say, they're all saying good night.
Carl hugs Bailey.
Ha, I love a Bailey hug.
Ah, and-
It's amazing that I could hug Bailey
because Lindsey's not here.
Fine, Newly's on live.
So Lexi is back to, sorry, what'd you say?
I can finally get back on my feet. Thanks.
Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt you.
I hope I didn't knock you off your feet.
Normally I have to crawl to the front door to get the pizza,
but today I could walk on my feet.
So thank you, Bailey.
Thank you for everything you guys gave me.
I ordered some extra pepperoni on the pizza tonight
because I'm just like finally getting back on my feet.
Now that Lindy's not here, I can order extra toppings. So thanks Bailey I'm just like finally getting back on my feet. Now that Lindsey's not here, I can order extra toppings.
So thanks Bailey.
Thanks for helping me get back on my feet.
I hope nobody was expecting Krispy Krest
because I ordered it soft.
Does anyone want garlic knots?
I used to never be able to eat them
because they remind me of the knots I had in my stomach
when I dealt with Lindsey.
But now I'm finally getting back on my feet.
So then in Lexi and Jesse's room, wherever they are, she's like, you can stay.
And she tells us, obviously, we're like hitting it off really fast. But like my fear is not getting
my heart broken. My biggest fear is like not living life to the fullest. You know what I mean?
Like I'd rather dive in head first and be like, ouch, that hurt. And then it would be better than wondering like, maybe what could have happened?
Like if I just gave him a chance, you know what I mean?
Yeah, you're young, okay?
Soon you get what we call emotional scars, okay?
And they teach you that when you touch a stove, or in this example, a flaming penis, there
can be repercussions. You know what
I mean? So just be careful about the stoves you're putting your hands on, young lady.
Don't make me come over there with my van.
Yeah. I don't want, I think, I think Lexi would, you should dive into love as soon as
you find it. Cause you have not found it yet so far this season. I'm just going to tell
you that right now.
You're diving into a cement swimming pool with no water in it.
It's a pool that sings songs. It's terrible. Get out.
Oh, God. It still thinks they're good. To this day is like, well, Jesse song. Shut up.
I wish he'd shut up.
Stop it. Okay. So Jesse, Jesse and Lex are in bed.
It's time for important conversations.
Mm, the foundation of all love.
I feel like my butt used to be like, bigger.
He's like, I would know.
Like, I was literally looking at it.
Like, it was like, maybe it's because
it's like, been doing so many steps.
Like, it kinda disappeared, but like,
it was kind of like, what the fuck is going on? I'm literally looking at it.
Oh, it's plenty juicy. Don't worry about it. Plenty juicy.
So it's the next morning. Carl wakes up and immediately spills water. He's like, Oh, God,
Lindsay must be on her way back.
It's awful.
Oh, oh, my knees are shaking.
My knees are going back to the ground.
Where are my feet?
Where are my feet?
Feeling, finally getting back on my feet
and now those feet are stepping in a puddle.
Oh.
So Lexi and Jake wake up, or Jesse.
Lexi and Jesse wake up together.
Lex. Lexi. Well, I guess they're a couple. What would their nickname be, their couple name? Lexi and Jake wake up, or Jesse. Lexi and Jesse wake up together. Lex.
Lexi.
Well, I guess their couple,
what would their nickname be, their couple name?
Lexi?
That's the same thing?
It's probably gonna be Jexy.
Jexy, yeah.
Which is very like Brexit.
But I like Lexi because-
Jegsit.
Jegsit is what I would love.
I'm ready for Jegsit.
All right, the episode title when they break up
has to be Jegsit. Yeah, it will be. So she's like, I'm happy for Jackson. All right, the episode title when they break up has to be Jackson.
Yeah, it will.
So she's like, I'm happy you're here.
And he's like, oh, you mean like in your bedroom?
And she's like, no, in the house and his bed.
He's literally been looking at my butt.
So then Sierra is like, are the guys gonna do the dunk tank?
I feel like there needs to be some sort of edge to it.
And Amanda says that they should dump the hot dog juice
in the water.
And Paige goes, that's diabolical.
Okay.
I've been like kerosene.
I mean, come on.
There's something more diabolical
than hot dog water knives, razor blades.
Sierra, so they come up with their grand idea. So now they're going to get the hot dog cart water
and the hot dogs,
and they're pouring it into the dunk tank for the guys.
So the guys see that, that they're doing it.
And Carl's like,
oh, the girls are pouring the hot dog water
into the dunk tank.
Oh, hard, hard, that is brand hard.
Oh, oh, oh my God, hard, hard. That is brand hard.
Oh my God. Oh, I need hall. So then, uh,
then, um, uh, the girls are just like, Oh my God, I feel better about this and everything. And everyone's grossed out, et cetera.
And West is like, well, even though it's a smidge awkward,
it feels like it's way less heavy with Sierra right now.
So I'm going gonna find windows to be
normal and I'm not gonna try hard, but I'm not gonna be here. I'm not here to be like best friends
and be annoying. But like if two X and G age lovers can be in the house together, then Sierra and I
could be in the house together too, you know? I'm like, oh, shut up. Just get in the dunk tank.
Uh, yeah. He's still doing his like, oh, she's just so mean to me. Surely we can work it out.
Biting my lip.
Well, I wanted to invite everybody.
I'm throwing a party, okay?
I'm DJing.
I'm DJing you guys.
Well, you didn't tell me about it, Carl.
All right, everybody, you can't stay here,
but you have to go home.
Come on, Amanda, it's in the morning.
Still at home.
Oh, so I want to invite this other guy to the house
who's gonna maybe come out here this summer.
His name is Emeril.
What's his name?
Emeril.
How tall is he?
Does he have his feet back under him?
Oh, I need more information.
Are you jealous that there's another man
coming to the house?
Oh my God.
Jesse's like, I'm just curious. I'm just curious.
How are his teeth? How are his teeth?
When are you going to vote him out already?
So now it's time to dunk the men in the hot dog tank.
It's just wacky. It's just some wackiness.
I mean, yeah, they all get dunked into this hot dog juice.
Seeing, there's like a little window in the dunk tank.
So you can see people underwater as they're dunked and seeing those hot dogs
swirl around in that window was pretty visceral.
Like that was, that was up there with that West nipple drawing for me.
They were just like floating around like little hot dog fish. It was,
it was, it was, it was unpleasant.
Yeah. I didn't watch this cause it was like a, you know,
it's like a funny games for going to a dunk tank. I was like, I didn't watch this. Cause it was like a, you know, it's like a funny games.
We're going to a dunk tank.
I was like, I'm going to Instagram.
Bye.
Yeah. It did last 45 minutes.
So I understand.
I felt like it was, it was a while.
So then they're going back home and Paige hugs Amanda.
Cause like, oh, you know, you're going to the same car,
right?
So you don't need to hug.
Shut up, hot dog man.
So now it's a city, finally we're back in the city.
I kind of have been missing this when they're in the city.
I love those things.
Yeah, because we've all, let's bring three episodes in
and we've been on the same weekend this entire time.
It's only been one weekend.
So all this stuff with Jesse and Lexi
has only taken place over two days.
So Lindsay walks into a maternity store
and she's like, this lady is like, hi, you look so cute.
I love your bump out, which is so nice of this woman.
But you know she says this to anyone
who walks into her store.
Like you're contractually obligated to say that
to anyone who walks into the store.
What does that mean?
She just means that she has her bump out?
Like I love that you have your bump out.
I know, but like how many times,
like could you imagine this woman saying like I love that you have your bump out. I know, but like how many times, like could you imagine this woman saying like,
oh, you have your bump out?
Like, of course she's gonna,
if you're a maternity store, you'd be like,
all right, look at that bump.
I can't, look, Charlene, a lady with a bump came in.
I cannot believe it.
It is so nice, honey, to see people
not hiding their bumps these days.
Gosh, look at her, bump out.
Well, you came to the right place for that bump,
a maternity store.
It's like, ladies, stop being so surprised
that a lady with a bump came into your store.
You're a maternity store.
Sorry, mid-show critique.
Can we please stop saying the word bump?
It's been like a really rough few years for me.
I'm gonna, I'mnaw my feet on.
So then Lindsay debuts her new line
that she says for the rest of the episode,
yeah, the bump is like really bumping this week.
Paige is debuting her new thing,
the I'm friends with Lindsay now
for no real understandable reason,
except that we're probably getting a spinoff soon.
But all right, let's talk about it.
Let's just go with it.
No, there's a reason.
There's a reason, because if you think about it, like there's probably like a 75% chance that Lindsay is
going to give birth to like either a xenomorph or a devil. And I don't want her sending it towards
me. So I'm going to be nice now. I'm starting. I'm putting in the, putting in the credit right now.
I'm just going to be nice to her so that the mother of the Babadook tells the Babadook to be nice to
me. I like my sleep.
We need to aim this monster
towards the person who really deserves it, Danielle.
Thank God she's out of my life.
Wow, speaking of Babadook.
So she was like, yeah, when Lindsay finally said the word,
she's pregnant, suddenly I liked her.
Like it was crazy.
I don't really understand why, but I was like, wow,
she's my friend, my very old friend, and she's having a baby.
I'm just gonna be there to lean on, well, not me,
but I'll hand her a stick or something to lean on
because she'll need it because she has a baby
and she's old, very, very old.
Stereiatric pregnancy, so.
It's truly an honor to be helping someone
in their 80s give birth.
So I am going to accept this responsibility.
It's really important that she has someone to make sure,
I don't know, she's not eating sushi, drinking Trano,
walking out in front of buses.
Um, what are you thinking about?
Different ways you could die, mother of a bop a dook.
Sorry, sorry, we're friends.
Given Lindsay's advanced age,
I know that now that she's pregnant,
she's gonna need someone to help her understand
how to send text messages and answer the question, what's the difference between a text message and an email? So I'm happy to be
that person. Lindsay, I'm just here to support you and to tell you that no, a Nigerian prince
is really not trying to give you a million dollars if you just give them your social security number.
Lindsay, now that you're pregnant, I am here to help you set up your Apple TV every six weeks.
I am here to help you set up your Apple TV every six weeks. So they're talking about freezing eggs.
Paige asked her if she's happy that she froze her eggs
and then she's like, I'm 100%
and I hope that they end up being an insurance policy
but like I really think every woman should freeze her eggs.
And Paige is like, yeah,
did you know that Craig froze his sperm?
And Lizzie just looks at him like, oh my God,
I'm dating, I dated Carl for years
and still I think Craig's an idiot.
Like wow.
We see the clip of Craig saying,
I saw something where someone got into a car accident
and they couldn't, they were infertile afterwards.
They crashed into an X-ray.
So, they walked backwards for the rest of their life.
So, that's why me and Paige decided to freeze my sperm.
Craig is such a liar.
Paige did not decide to freeze your sperm.
Why do you have to lie with everything that you say?
I love Lindsay's like,
does he know that he is not up against
an actual biological clock? Paige is like, um, does he know that he is not up against an actual biological clock?
Page is, correct.
Correct.
It's funny because Lindsay goes,
um, he does know that,
that, that, that,
Page is probably not.
I don't even know what you're gonna say.
I don't know what you're gonna say.
1000%.
He just really doesn't know.
Maybe he's really stupid.
He's traumatized by Peter Pan.
So, he's just like, correct.
I said to him, I should probably freeze my eggs.
And he was like, okay, so should I freeze my sperm?
So if you'd like to laugh right now,
I give you permission.
But was it like sperm depleted?
Just no, his sperm's fine.
If anything, it was above average.
I mean, they said it's the first spermage zoe
we've ever seen stabbing walls.
So, what's something?
Craig has been ready for a family
and for me to move into his home
since literally I think that he texted me,
but I have like worked for this exact moment
in my career for 10 plus years,
which is of course to be on a national platform
and telling everyone
how stupid my boyfriend is. I have dreamed of this moment and he can't take it away
from me.
I was paid last year to pretend that I would walk into an old Navy. Now is not waiting
time.
This fall, my podcast Giggly Squad is going on a 60 city tour, which what? How are they
doing 60 cities?
That's crazy.
Well, they sold out Radio city twice in a row.
I know. Good for them. I really, I am, I,
I, um, I am, I, I don't know why I,
I don't know why I had a rational feeling. I'm like,
stammering squad. I don't know.
I had this irrational feeling like there are babies. I don't know why.
I think it's because we saw them on Summer House
and no one cared about Summer House back then.
And we saw them become more popular
and they created their podcasts
and then they just sort of grew it.
And I don't know why, there's no reason.
This is a parasocial thing,
but I feel like Giggly Squad is our little child.
I take ownership of Giggly Squad.
We had nothing to do with that. We had nothing to do with that.
We had nothing to do with it.
But I feel like it's ours.
A lot of good kids have nothing to do
with where they come from anyway.
But that's nice.
We literally have nothing to do with that.
Ginkly Squad presented by Watford Crapins.
Yeah.
But it's cool to see that people grow that much at Smiths.
So then we, and also just like Bravo people
reaching that level of success.
You know, like whatever, and I don't know,
I know it's not like hundreds of millions of dollars
like Bethany level, but even Bethany,
Bethany's one of the most obnoxious people on the planet.
But that was so crazy when she did that,
because just as a Bravo fan, you're like,
oh my God, people that I watch on TV just did so well.
You know, because so much of Bravo
is just watching people crash and burn, it's like, you start with
somewhat healthy people and then you just watch them,
it's like the long road to how do they end up in prison?
You know?
And so to see people successful, it's like,
oh my God, they're new, there's hope in the world.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So anyways, she's basically like,
I am, like my career is hotter than it's ever been before
and I'm not just gonna like turn that all away
just to settle down and be in with Craig,
having a baby.
Just have fucking Craig babies, no thanks.
So they're talking about,
and we knew that this was gonna happen with Lindsay, right?
And we generally like Lindsay, I think, but we knew that this was gonna happen with Lindsay, right? And we generally like Lindsay, I think,
but we knew that Lindsay's gonna be
the most fucking obnoxious pregnant person in the world,
which here she goes.
She's like, oh my God, we're picking out dresses
for my gender reveal party.
Oh my God, let me tell you the gender right now
of that child, not interested, okay?
That child is gonna come out and be like, why?
Is this a sick fucking joke?
Lindsay's gonna be stamping him with hashtags.
Or her.
Here, guess what Ronnie, right now we're gonna have
an enthusiasm reveal about how I feel about gender reveals.
And I'm gonna be looking at this garbage pail,
and oh my God, not enthused at all.
I can't believe it, the streak continues.
Wow, what a great enthusiasm reveal.
I've peed on a stick and found out the gender of your baby.
Do not care, do not fucking care.
Just send me a link to the registry and tell me what color.
Oh my God, I just found out what you're having, Lindsay.
Another polluter.
found out what you're having, Lindsay. Another polluter. So she's, Paige wants Lindsay to have a girl. And Lindsay's like, you know what I was like
thinking about? Like, either way, boy or girl, this is my opportunity to break a cycle. No,
Lindsay, like, pelotons are really good. Like, you really shouldn't break it. No, like an emotional cycle, like doing things like that my mom
didn't do that like should have been done. So she wants to, you know, she has a huge
abandonment issues and she's hoping that she can be there for her child in a way that her
mom wasn't there for her, which is good. Yeah, I think that everybody who has a child
deserves their own way to fuck up their child.
They shouldn't be like stuck on the way
that they were fucked up as a child.
They shouldn't like have new fun creative ways
to torture their children.
Yeah, exactly.
Like I look at a lot of stuff within my family
and I'm like, well, okay, like I have this issue
with my parent because my parent was horrible in my mind.
But then you get older and you're like,
no, they were actually a good parent.
They were just fucked up because they had trauma
from their parent.
And then their parent, like my meemaw was fucked up
because she had trauma from her parents.
I mean, you should have heard her stories.
I'm like, it's just this cycle.
I finally got the word cycle and I'm like,
this cycle is just so boring.
It's all the same shit.
So I broke my cycle and now I'm traumatizing everybody else
with new psychological terror.
Like why rely on Mima's shit?
That shit's outdated.
New traumas, fresh traumas everybody.
Four problems.
I know, but the sad part about trauma and cycles
is that we think we're breaking the cycle.
But if you've ever seen 12 Monkeys,
you're just contributing, the cycle continues.
I wanna see 12 monkeys, I'm going on safari.
Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe.
I like that. I'm gonna break the cycle. And we see a conversation from her from eight years ago, talking to her mom, she's like, oh, the phone goes, please. So then-
I like that, I forgot that that happened
when Lindsay finally called her mom
and she's like, hi mom, it's nice to talk to you.
And her mom's like, well, you could call me.
Oh, the phone goes two ways.
Because you know, that meant the mom had her own thing
where she was like, my daughter never speaks to me
and hates me and won't forgive me for things
that happened as a child, you know?
Yeah. God, I love it. It's trauma everywhere daughter never speaks to me and hates me and won't forgive me for things that happened as a child, you know? Yeah.
God, I love it.
There's trauma everywhere.
Cycles.
Commercials.
Here comes one right now.
At 24, I lost my narrative, or rather it was stolen from me.
And the Monica Lewinsky that my friends and family knew was usurped by false narratives,
callous jokes, and politics.
I would define reclaiming as to take back what was yours. Something you possess is lost or stolen,
and ultimately you triumph in finding it again. So I think listeners can expect me to be chatting
with folks, both recognizable and unrecognizable names, about the way that people have navigated roads to triumph.
My hope is that people will finish an episode of Reclaiming and feel like they filled their tank
up. They connected with the people that I'm talking to and leave with maybe some nuggets
that help them feel a little more hopeful. Follow Reclaiming with Monica Lewinsky on the
Wondery app or wherever you get your podcasts.
You can listen to reclaiming early and ad free right now by joining Wondery Plus in
the Wondery app or on Apple podcasts.
So anyway, now we go to Lexi and Jesse meeting up at the Bar Lawn Club, which is kind of
like a douchey version of Dave and Buster's, kind of.
It seems like it's a Dave and Buster's made
for Manhattan people who work in mixed media or something.
So Jesse's like, oh, you look pretty.
Are you a model?
No.
You all learned some games?
Yeah.
I actually literally have always wanted to come here.
I was literally looking at my ass,
and I was literally like, can I ever go to the Barlawn Club? Oh my god. And wanted to come here. I was literally looking at my ass, and I was literally like,
can I ever go to the bar lawn club?
Oh my God, and now I'm here.
He's like, whoa, I have a question.
She's hot, and she can walk down the runway.
She's got a juicy booty,
but can she shoot a basketball and do a trash can?
Yeah, let's see.
And so she shoots a basketball and misses,
and guess what she does when she misses?
She goes,
Oh my God.
And then we watched them.
We then watched like five minutes of them
trying to shoot baskets and they're both missing
for five minutes straight and they can't do corn hole.
They can't do anything.
They're just totally, totally inept people.
And I say this as someone who has no athleticism whatsoever.
I was like, but these people were really struggling. So then Jesse said- This is me trying to get a basket into a hoop.
Why? Why can't I do anything?
The cycle.
So then Jesse is like, so before my dad married my mom,
he made her shoot a basketball,
cause he wanted to see like before he had kids with her,
like if she had a good jump shot.
She's like, are you asking me to help you?
I'm like, no, I'm not.
I'm just saying, I'm just saying.
I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. So before my dad married my mom, he made her shoot a basketball because he wanted to see like before he had kids with her,
like if she had a good jump shot.
She's like, um, are you asking me to have your babies?
And he's like, no, I'm just saying,
I don't know if we can.
Your dad's also a douche, so there's that.
Well, I want someone who like sees me
and they're like, that's my girl.
And they like go for it, you know? Because like, I think someone who like sees me and they're like, that's my girl. And they like go for it.
You know, because like, I think guys can be like intimidated because like, like by my
exes, you know, or like my lifestyle, you've seen Tiffany, right?
We get a lot of free makeup.
So that's hard.
So I'm going to have to talk with them.
He's like, this has been so much fun.
It has been like amazing.
So are we going to share a room this weekend or what?
We're gonna take it slow or are you gonna let me stick it
in you?
And she's like, um,
he gets, yeah, do you usually move this quick with boys
or is it usually slower?
She's like, well, I don't share beds with every single guy
that I just met on the first night.
But like, I just want to make sure that like we're a thing
because I only want to be getting to
know each other because like, you know, I don't like gray.
I do have to say I liked that Lexi kind of said exactly like she set her parameters and
her boundaries.
I'm going to give her credit for this because she's like, yeah, I want to make sure that
this there's like one thing, like that this thing
that we're only getting to know each other.
Cause it just makes it more black and white.
Like she's like, yeah, guess what?
We're already exclusive.
Cause that's how I do it.
Like I don't wanna like be talking around
to a million different people.
If you're into me, then great, be into me,
but don't be into anyone else.
I was like, oh, look at her establishing.
I like that too.
So I was going off the bat at the beginning of the episode
cause he's acting like it's crazy.
He's like, oh, well, it feels like
I've only known you for a week.
Then keep in your fucking pants then.
There's your answer.
What's so weird about it?
It's not as weird as you trying to bang a young girl
when you have nothing going on with her.
Why is it so weird for her
to not want you to bang half the world, okay?
Go to an STD clinic.
She's like, I'm a hot commodity.
I did it at Gerber, I did dated a Beckham. You don't even
have a last name that's worth anything. So I'm going to date you. But just so you know,
I'm not a casual dater and I'm a relationship sex girl. So this is what you need to know
about me. And he's like, he's like, do I want to be with a hot girl who's sort of famous
or do I want to be able to fuck around?
Yeah. He's like, that's really a tough one to swallow.
And she's like, well, but like we need to go with our gut.
And then if it doesn't go out of it, it doesn't work out great, then we'll work that out
too.
Like, no, because now you're telling him, okay, let's just do whatever you want.
And then once you fuck me over, then I'll deal with that when I come to it.
Stick on the other stuff.
Yeah. So now we go. No to it. Stick on the other stuff. Yeah.
So now we go to Kyle's-
Oh no, now we get a Jesse.
Now we get the Jesse ultimate fuck boy,
where he goes, yeah, listen, like,
I was just gonna be a change of pace for me.
You know, stick with me kid, I'm learning,
because I'm normally not like that.
Normally I just, fuck off.
I'm a work in progress.
Yeah, he's doing that whole thing like, well, okay,
but when I cheat on you, don't forget that I told you
in front of this basketball in a trash can thing
that I'm new at this and I would try it for you,
but I'm not sure that I can do it.
Yeah.
I love, it's always the guys who want to love bomb
and lock something down so that they can have sex,
who then simultaneously are like, whoa, it's going too fast.
So then we go to Kyle's rooftop DJ party and people are all there and arriving and Amanda
is giving Kyle shit about like his turntable.
She's like, she's like, she's like touching the circle part.
She's like, does this actually go wiggy, wiggy, wiggy, which I believe is a direct watcher
crapens quote.
And then, um, Jesse is, everyone's just showing up and everything. And, uh, uh,
Kyle is saying how basically last summer when he said he wants to be a DJ,
it was like kind of a drunken thing that just sort of came out,
but he's glad he did because now he's taking classes and he's DJing and he's
living his best DJ life.
Yeah. He's like, yeah, people think it looks like a midlife crisis, but, huh,
that's going to be a Ferrari. Yeah, this's like, yeah, people think it looks like a midlife crisis, but that's going to be a Ferrari.
Yeah, it just makes sense.
So Paige comes and basically everybody's arriving and hugging and all that good stuff. And Carl
sees Jesse and he's like, Hey, how are you my man? How are you? Look at me. I've got legs. So
that's good. Are you in love? You love now? What's that like? Like, I've been impressed with the vibes that have been displayed.
I'm just going to tell you that my friend.
And then Wes shows up. He's like, whoa, did I just interrupt good juice? And Jesse's like,
no, we're just talking bids over here. So they're talking about talking about Lexi and stuff.
And Carl's like, I mean, she's a kind of girl you lock down, obviously. Ho, ho, but like tightly and softly, not hard.
Ho, ho.
So they're talking about the date.
And Jesse says, uh, yeah, I went on a date and it was fun.
I mean, she's like so cute.
And yeah, well, I mean, she's the kind of girl
that you like lock down.
Obviously, obviously I'm right.
I guess, yeah, she made that clear.
So then Paige is like, hey, Lexi, I want right. Yeah, she made that clear. So then Paige is like,
hey, Lexi, I wanna hear about your date
because you're so young, it's shocking.
And she was like, oh my God, the date was like really cute.
Like we really vibe.
And I'm just like, I'm just like really enjoying my time.
I'm like, go for it, Lexi Wood.
So obviously I feel like we're probably going too fast,
but, and Sierra was like, no, no, he's a fuck boy.
You need to lock, you need to go out.
When you see a fuck boy, you need to go
and attach yourself as soon as possible.
They're like, no, you're not going too fast at all,
you fucking dingbat.
Then Lexi's talking to Gabby.
She starts, sorry, Kyle, Lexi, and Gabby are talking
and Kyle's like, whoa, you got the bump out.
You got the bump out.
That's just a big thing today, bump out, hashtag bump out and Kyle's like, whoa, you got the bump out. You got the bump out. It's just a big thing today.
Bump out, hashtag bump out.
She's like, um, they told me it was like the size of a mango this week.
So I just partnered with the mango company.
It's pretty good.
It's 20k.
Bump is bumping and the mango is mangling.
So now, um, uh, Lindsay and Jesse are eating a big sandwich,
look like a giant hot dog.
I feel like I've got hot dogs on the brain this week.
And then Carl's ordering some non-alcoholic,
non-alcohol.
So Carl says, hey, I was gonna ask you, Carl,
do you drink during your show or do you keep it soft?
And Carl's like, yeah, well, sometimes when my
nerves, it's just like, so hard to see up there and I don't want to be like buzzed whatsoever,
just purely wasted. So, oh, by the way, Emeril's on his way. Oh, look, there he is. Here comes Emeril.
I love this, going by the DJ oath. You know, DJs staying sober at all times.
So Emeril comes over and he's talking to everybody in the club.
He's like, Hey, hey, it's me, Emeril.
Hey everybody, it's me.
I'm here.
I don't know if you heard the, but it happened because I brought a motorcycle here.
That's right.
I'm a badass with a penis.
He's like, Emeril's like the classic New Yorker.
He loves to have a good time.
He likes to get like, you know, it's like Casanova.
It's like Casanova lived in New York City in 2024 and had like multiple partners
in a given night. God. So, Emeril says hi to everyone. And he's talking about how he's from
Brooklyn, but he was born in Bangladesh. And he's like, Oh yeah, what's the, what's the word to
refer to someone who's from Bangladesh? He's like, Bengali.
He's like, oh wow, I love that.
He's like, yeah, that's how people know about the country.
It's the Bengals.
He's like, oh my God, I just realized that.
Bengals, Bengali, wow.
Learning all the important things on Summer House.
While we're getting to know each other, I wish Emeril would say,
why are you wearing your hat above your head?
And why are you struggling so hard
to look like a cool 21 year old?
Please let it go.
You're uncomfortable to hang out with.
Please just let it go.
So Kyle's DJing and then Bailey and Lexi are taking a shot
and then Jesse and Lindsay are taking a picture together,
and people are dancing, people are having fun.
So Paige tells Sierra, let's go to the bar.
So they go to the bar, and then Paige is like,
okay, look at this.
This morning, I received a bit of rage texting
from Kyle Cook about my best friend, Hannah,
and my boyfriend, Craig.
For Craig, he's mad because he signed a deal
to do some ad with another drink company.
And then Hannah, because she was on a podcast,
just being Hannah.
And then we hear Hannah on a podcast,
basically being like, or actually we don't hear her.
I just, in my mind, I heard her saying like,
yeah, I was fired by Kyle because of tennis.
But she says that she was fired because,
Kyle had her fired because she didn't add
for a competitor to Loverboy.
No, I'm sorry, that's just not true.
You were fired because you were a total monster
and the audience hated your ass.
That's why you were fired on your last season.
So this is Kyle's rage text to Paige, the whole thing.
I got it on Reddit, so thank you, Reddit.
All right.
Honestly, beyond discouraged.
With Craig too.
This wouldn't be a topic today if it wasn't for him
and about a dozen lies.
I can't believe this is where Hannah is at
three years later.
I'm fucking ape shit.
First, her telling Alex Cooper I cheated on Amanda
right up until our wedding
and all the pain we fucking suffered
because of that podcast when it was at its peak,
which I never fucking confronted her about.
Now, or you, I didn't confront you about it either.
Now this, you've been with her this entire
time and are out there saying you wish you stood up for her season five and now this, this is what
you think as well. Hannah had the lowest Q rating, something illegible, the entire work, aka
likability, just ask Dave Kaplan drunk and he'll tell you. Sorry to barrage you, I was just heated
in the moment. Can't vent to Amanda because she basically divorced me for potentially hurting your guys' friendship
with the Spritz stuff.
And I don't understand how lies keep getting told.
Wow.
Wow.
All right.
What do you think?
What do you think?
I just talked for 20 minutes.
I mean, yeah, Hannah had a horrific season.
People hated Hannah.
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,
mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, yeah, Hannah had a horrific season. People hated Hannah. I don't know. I don't know.
She probably got fired because she was she was people didn't like her that season. I mean,
I could also see Kyle basically I could also see Kyle having a tantrum to a producer be like,
either she goes or I go. So maybe he kind of is the head of the show in that way,
or at least he positions himself as the head of the show.
I don't know, I think Kyle got fired.
I mean, Hannah got fired because no one liked Hannah.
I mean, I think that was just, that's how it is.
And I think she's done a good job
in her post-Summer House life of, you know,
obviously she's got like three million TikTok followers
or something, like she's doing fine.
But I think on her Summer House journey was not great, and it didn't end great, and she's doing, she's got like 3 million TikTok followers or something. Like she's doing fine. But I think on her summer house journey was not great
and it didn't end great and nobody liked her
and that's why she got fired.
And I think this text, Kyle is kind of venting to,
it feels like he's not yelling at Paige,
but he's like venting to her like,
oh, really, this is what they're gonna do
and they're your friends, which I don't think is great either.
So I think she has a right to be pissed off.
Oh, Paige definitely does. I mean, I don't like whatever you feel about it, Kyle going to Paige
about Paige's best friend and boyfriend, even though we know that Craig is a liar, like you
just don't do that. She's right. She says Kyle has his number, has both their numbers so he can call,
he can reach out to them and not go to Paige. Because Kyle is very happy.
Does he get to yell at Kyle for being a DJ?
I mean, come on.
And everyone's a lot, and he doesn't even own
a spritz company.
He's just an ad person for the spritz company, right?
Also, they're allowed to do things that are not Loverboy.
I mean, how long have we seen Loverboy
hawked on this show for crying out loud
and still not happy?
So Paige is like, notice how I didn't say my name in there,
but I'm just getting yelled at honestly, beyond discouraged with Craig too,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I mean, he, you know,
he's like going ape shit. So that's what happened to me today. What,
what about me and Gabe? What,
what about me gave you the impression that you could just text me,
talk shit about my best friend and my boyfriend. Like what the fuck?
You have both of their numbers being adult. And if you see something on the internet that you could just text me, talk shit about my best friend and my boyfriend. Like what the fuck? You have both of their numbers being adult
and if you see something on the internet
that makes you upset, sit with it for a minute
and then text the person that said it,
you're trying to put me in the middle of it
and it's absolutely insane.
Yeah, Sierra's like, yeah,
I'm like everyone needs to have allegiance to Carl.
She's like, yeah, when has he ever supported me?
I mean, he has never supported one fucking thing
I've ever done.
I like when she gets more like East Coast accent
when she gets mad.
It's like, when have you ever said anything about my book?
She had a book?
I didn't know she had a book.
I guess so.
Sierra's like, yeah, he talks shit about your podcast
and he acts like you don't understand anything
as a business woman.
And she's like, I've drank your drink for seven fucking years.
I was like, that was my first thought too.
Like Paige is an influencer and she's sitting there holding this lover boy.
I mean, I would go nuts if I was in a house and every year I had lover boy forced on me,
especially if there are other beverages that I'd rather drink instead.
Like these people have been totally supportive
and they're there at his party right there, right at his party.
Paige is such a draw.
Paige is arguably the biggest star on Summer House right now.
And like, it's such a draw that Paige is at Kyle's party
and he's still gonna go off on her.
That's just, that's bad business right there.
So she's like, Ann, I keep your wife company
while you're up there acting like fucking Diplo, please.
So then it's just, I like that when she's saying this,
it just cuts to Kyle with his hands in the air going,
yeah, yeah.
So, all right, well guess what?
It's Friday, so it's time for Lindsay and Danielle
to arrive at the Hamptons.
Speaking of queue ratings, here comes Danielle.
I know, right?
Danielle, who I feel like has been fired from the show
two times and she keeps coming back.
So Danielle's like, can I be annoying
and can I touch your bump?
The bump is bumping.
So I would say you're pop a lop in.
Wrong hashtag, bitch.
OK, hashtag mango.
So so they come in and Lindsay's excited that Danielle's here
because like we've seen each other through a lot of different phases.
And let's roll the clip.
There was a phase when we would party and then there was a phase when we'd be in bed texting,
and then there was a phase when we made bagel bites
in the microwave together.
So it's like a lot, a lot of phases.
And then Danielle tells us, she goes,
the break has been nice for a lot of reasons.
I'm like, break?
You've only had one week off since last season?
You weren't on, what are you talking about, The break. It's the second weekend of the show.
Like, yeah, well, with that week,
I really focused on myself and like, you know,
I missed the house though, which is so crazy.
It's not like so crazy.
Like I really missed the house.
Yeah, you miss your tether to fame.
So yeah.
But it's like, you haven't been gone for six years.
It's literally been only one weekend
of shooting that you missed.
That's it, you were at the reunion last season.
So she's like, yeah.
She even had the same haircut.
We didn't even get a new haircut.
And then she's like, wow, it looks the same.
It's weird being here.
It's like, Danielle, I'm gonna shake you.
Stop acting so nostalgic, okay? You're on the same schedule It's weird being here. It's like, Danielle, I'm going to shake you.
Stop acting so nostalgic, okay?
You're on the same schedule as you were last year.
And Danielle's like, wait, why is there a painting of a mango on the, is that a mango?
It's like, that's my baby, baby mango.
So yeah, we're like hashtagging it and like Carl wasn't here, don't worry.
And Danielle's cracking up.
She's like, I've been on the Lindsay roller coaster for like so long and this is
like the top of it.
So she's in the same house with Carl and she's pregnant.
Nobody will impregnate me.
Nobody.
So Danielle, I need your help.
I'm going to do a gender reveal scavenger hunt tonight.
Nobody in the world knows the gender yet
because no one cares except for my family
and me and my baby daddy.
And Danielle goes, so are we doing another sponsored post
with that?
She goes, trust me, if I could find a way to work that in,
I totally would have.
She's like, don't rub it in.
I'm not even gonna have the baby in Bubbling.
If I found a way to have a scavenger on,
I would hide the baby somewhere and let somebody find it.
What's this picture of a mango driving down a country road?
Oh, I got my sonogram sponsored by AutoZone.
Oh, okay.
So is that a baby getting an oil change?
Mm-hmm.
Yes, you have a problem with it?
So, Sierra.
Why is that baby breastfeeding from a dipstick?
It's called making a living, Daniel.
Wait a second, did you just tape your ultrasound
on top of the Michelin baby?
Yes I did, it's a vision board.
Well, when everyone finds out the gender,
everyone's gonna find out the gender,
but they're gonna have to wear that color option
to the dinner, oh for fuck's sake.
So now we have to bring two different colors of outfits
to wear to your fucking, Lindsey, come on, man.
It's a pain in the ass enough that you're pregnant
during a summer house without making it all
about your fucking pregnancy, I can't.
Like the fact that it's both a scavenger hunt
and a color coded dinner, I would just quit the show.
I'm like, sorry, I'm going back to Manhattan.
I'm done here.
Maybe Bailey, maybe Bailey had it all figured out.
So then Sierra arrives and Danielle, I'm going back to Manhattan. I'm done here. Maybe Bailey, maybe Bailey had it all figured out. So, um,
then Sierra arrives and Danielle, Danielle goes, hello,
there's a stranger in your house. You saw her two months ago. So then,
I like that Sierra has the most realistic reaction to Danielle. She goes, oh,
Hey, so what's up?
Um, did you go out with that big like room? I mean, tell me all about it here.
And Sarah's like, yeah, it was me, Carl,
Emeril, Gabby, Bailey, Lexi and Wes.
And we went out and Daniel's like, oh my God,
I only know like half the names.
This is like going back to my high school again.
It's just, so we see that the group went to happy hour and, um,
and had a fun time. And then Danielle is, uh, like,
so how was it with West across the table? Am I right? Girlfriend? She's like,
well we had a distraction, which was in rule.
So Amarillo was sharing that he couldn't join us last weekend because he was at a
play party and Danielle's like, Oh,
so like everyone brings their kids like a bouncy house or do they like,
or do they like all perform like Ibsen and like O'Neill like, no,
it's not that kind of play parties for adults like triple X.
And so we cut to Emeril telling everyone, yeah, like I walked in and right,
when I got in there, there was a sex swing. So yeah, pretty much did.
And they're like shocked.
And then Sierra was like, yeah,
so that's our intro, play a party.
So, and then somebody asked him how many times he came
and we see a flashback of Wes being like,
so do you come, did you get in trouble?
Was anyone being mean to you?
Were there women like being mean to you and ruining your fun?
Like, what was that like?
And are there other animals from Bangladesh
that we might know about?
And he's like, yeah, I didn't come at all.
So Lindsay's like, I don't even want to know about this.
Well, between the gender reveal and Emeril's sex club
adventures, we have a lot of great content on the table
for us coming into this episode.
It's a sperm heavy episode, that's for sure.
Yeah.
But how did he not come?
He had sex with three different people and didn't come.
Was he like doing that on purpose?
Or was he like Woody Harrelsoning it?
Where you just like never come?
I don't know.
It's interesting, but you know who does come?
He does come right now.
Emeril, he shows up at the house.
He shows up on a motorcycle and I'm like,
how does this work?
Cause where are your bags?
You don't have any bags.
You're just on a motorcycle.
How are you doing this?
Are you staying the weekend?
Yeah. And it's also a really long motorcycle trip.
I mean, being a dealer.
Although Luke used to do it.
I never questioned where Luke's bags were,
but I just assumed Luke would just wear
the same lumberjack clothes all weekend.
Yeah, or like you take your bags
to someone else's car to bring them,
but then you take the motorcycle or something to say cool.
I think that it must be that.
Yeah.
Okay, so he comes in and we find out that he's like,
well, I was gonna be here last week,
but I had my hands tied.
Oh, literally.
I'm over this guy. So he tells us that he grew up in a Muslim household and everything was taboo. You couldn't eat pork, you had
to pray five times a day, you can't have sex before marriage. And he's like, I don't want
to say I was trapped, but just kind of limited by circumstance. And then eventually, when
I started having a better sense of my own self,
I realized I want to go to sex parties. And I don't like this rigidity unless it's in my dick.
So I've come the other way now. Well, when I do come, it was me embracing it.
It was hard to loosen up at first after my upbringing, but
God, sitting a sex swing for a night really changed that.
So we're gonna tell you now,
loose as a goose, ready to party, guys.
So then Paige and Lexi and Wes are coming
and they're talking about their week and stuff
and Paige got a cat.
She's like, I got a cat.
And they're like, oh my God, that is so cute.
And she's like, yeah,
I did it because my girlfriends have a cat and they were like, you have to get a cat. And I was like, oh my God, I have to get a And she's like, yeah, did it because my girlfriends
have a cat?
And they were like, you have to get a cat.
And I was like, oh my God, I have to get a cat.
And so I got a cat.
It's like, she's like the cutest thing I've ever seen,
like literally in my life.
I love her so much that I immediately left her.
For three days.
That was fun.
I love when Lysie goes, what did you name it?
She goes, Daphne.
Like of course she named her cat Daphne.
It's like the most page name of a cat.
I just chuckled when she said that.
The exasperated housekeeper on Frasier.
So.
But also how do you get a kitten and then just leave it?
Who'd she leave it?
I know, I was a little surprised.
Like you just got the cat.
Listen, I think that if,
I think if we can bring babyness in here,
you can bring a cat in here. Bring it on. Bring the cat. I would like a cat. Listen, I think that if, I think if you can bring babyness in here, you can bring a cat in here.
Bring it on.
Bring the cat.
I would like a cat.
Well, I don't know.
That cat could get loose and I don't know.
Maybe a kid is not the best place.
I'm sorry.
This is a recap and not really time for my own trauma,
but who cares?
If you don't want to listen to my trauma,
fast forward three minutes.
Do you know what happened last night?
Okay.
So the leaf blower was over blowing shit around
and he left the gate open and I didn't know cause I don't see the gate. And it's on the
side of the house and Bueller got out and I went out there and I could not find him. So I was like,
well, maybe it's just taking his time. So I chilled out and then I went out and he still wasn't there.
So I went out and got, I got the flashlight and I'm looking around Bueller's not there. I'm like,
okay, I need to look at his air tag. So I pushed the air tag thing and it's like, can't find the air tag, which is weird. And it said battery
ran out of the air tag. So I was like, God damn it. So I'm looking all over, I'm walking
the street and I'm screaming for Bueller, freaking out because this is Texas, you know?
I'm kind of in the country. There's some, you hear coyotes howling and all sorts of
stuff. It's like, poor Bueller. I come home and Bueller's sitting at the front door looking
in. All he wanted to do was come through a different door.
Like.
That's so poetic.
He didn't even care about running away.
He's just like, I wonder what it's like
to come in this other door.
I'm gonna come in this other door.
That's exactly what Emeril said at his party.
I've never freaked out like that.
My poor Bueller.
You're back.
I'm glad Bueller is safe and sound.
Yeah, he's back.
It's very scary.
I felt my stomach drop out of my pooper.
Okay, so she got a cat.
And they're like, yeah, hashtag cat moms.
So let's talk about your date now.
She's like, my parents, Jessie met my parents this thing.
It was so funny because it was like last minute,
and they like came in at the house,
and like he came to meet them.
And Paige is like,
so are you gonna get married in Canada?
What are you doing?
Do you have to actually wear a Canadian tuxedo
to a Canadian wedding?
I've just always been curious about this.
Can I bring my cat?
So yeah, so Jesse was like,
yeah, well, they love me.
And because of course, you know, he's probably, he's probably so good with parents.
And Danielle was like, so did you clear the entire roster?
Did the text messages have to go on?
By the way, I have to say these walls, have there always been this many walls in the kitchen?
It's just been so long since I've been here.
Where even am I?
I'm sorry, are you speaking English?
I can't even understand what you're saying.
Are we talking differently now in the house?
Where am I?
So they're talking about meeting the parents with Jesse
and he's like, oh God, like I just like
have to tell the story now.
She goes, I'm like dying to know how it went.
Okay, well on my way I was like, how the fuck did I get here?
Because like weeks ago I was just like single dating and now I'm about to to know how it went. Okay, well on my way I was like, how the fuck did I get here? Because like weeks ago I was just like single dating
and now I'm about to meet this girl's parents
and then I show up and Bozo the clown is fucking there.
I mean, it turned out to be her sister,
but that was scary.
So then he's talking about how Amanda's like,
but by the way, a lot of people are waiting for you
to comment on my most recent post
because Jesse, his thing is that he comments like,
he really like really,
he really like flirts hard on his, his lady friends, uh,
Instagrams. And, um, he's like, yeah, like I'm the type of guy that likes to gas
up his girlfriend. Like Amanda posted a picture. She deserves some love.
So I tell her how hot she is on her photo and I do the same for Sierra.
And we see like everything is like, you look so fucking hot. I want to bone you.
That's what all the comments are like. And, um, like she's basically like, you look so fucking hot, I wanna bone you. Like that's what all the comments are like. And Lexi's basically like, yeah,
if you're into me, you can't do that.
So you have to say things like, your dress looks cute,
but you can't be like, you're so fucking hot,
I wanna do you.
Yeah.
She's like, instead of saying that,
maybe you say the dress is beautiful.
And I was like, I don't know about this.
It's like really hard.
She can't even shoot
a basket. So. So they're all talking about how much he changes or how much he's already changed
with Lexi. So then Lexi comes and she sees him and she's like, hi. Does that thing where she holds
him like from around the neck and then looks like deeply into his eyes for a kiss. Oh my God.
Yeah. Oh no. Wrong tree.
Wrong tree.
Find another tree to bark up, ma'am.
Danielle's like, hi, you don't know me, Lexi, I'm Danielle.
And she's like, oh my God, hi.
You know, I am so grateful for the work
that you do around here.
The bushes look wonderful.
Thank you for all your landscaping.
She's like, no, no, I used to live here. Oh, okay. That's great.
Tanner Iskra And Paige brings Lindsey pink flowers and she's like,
oh, it's for your gender reveal. I'm team pink because you nauseate me and I take Pepto. Just
kidding. It's for a girl. Jason Krohn
Yeah. So the chef arrives and they clear out so the chef can cook and everything and Jesse
and Lexi are like hugging and kissing and he asks about her parents because they're
I guess, you know, because they're in town and he's like, so how was it?
It was amazing.
We actually had like such a good time and my mom reassured me my ass is not smaller
after all despite doing all the steps. So, Sierra watches Paige take her luggage up.
She's like, you're independent, I'm not.
Enroll, take my luggage up.
He's like, okay, yeah, full service over here.
Okay, hold on, made it to the top of the stairs.
I have an announcement, did not come.
Okay, let's do this.
So, Kyle, Wes is asking if Kyle is here. And Amanda says that Kyle had to drive over
from New Hampshire because he had an event there.
And meanwhile, Sierra and Paige are talking.
And Sierra's like,
when am I gonna grow out of crop tops?
Never.
By the way, have you ever spoken,
have you spoken to Kyle yet?
So Paige is like, well, after his event,
he just goes, hey, sorry about all those texts earlier.
And I was like, all right.
I mean, I said nothing,
because I'm not going to say something at his event
and be like, it just was weird.
I mean, I have a cat now.
I'm a cat mom to Daphne.
I have to set a good example.
So then a couple of days go by and he's like,
set does this whole Page Six exclusive about Hannah.
And he glided through his fucking teeth in the article.
And he goes, I don't know what Hannah's talking about and I didn't get her fired and I don't have that
much power.
Okay.
And you wouldn't make up with her at the reunion.
So we all know what that means.
It's not even about Hannah because it's like you two are never going to have a friendship
anyway.
You both have different experiences, but like, how are you going to just like watch history
repeat itself?
Like Craig doesn't want to be your friend.
Like point blank period.
He feels uncomfortable even coming to the house.
And you went on national television in articles calling him a liar about his business.
That was a really long one. Sorry, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna sleep in bed the whole weekend.
Yeah, she goes off and on and on and on and on. And she's like, yeah, it's like when your dad
like gets mad at you for doing like bad things, but your friends were the ones that did it.
And I'm like, dad, I don't smoke weed, huh?
So she's had it with fucking Kyle, you know?
And she's like, and now I've gotten to a point
where you fucked with my best friend
and now you're fucking with my boyfriend?
Like you think you can disrespect me?
You think you can text me anything you want?
Like, fuck you, like you're lucky I don't buy
your lover boy and fucking sell it, okay, all right bitch?
So I'll probably say all of that
at Lindsay's gender reveal dinner.
I'm like, yes, Jersey housewife coming out
the second she gets pissed.
So then we get Kyle walking into the house like,
hey everybody, I just DJed.
And she's like, I'm gonna kill him.
Yeah, it's gonna be great.
She's gonna eviscerate him next week.
Looking forward to it.
Fun times.
All right, everybody.
Thanks so much for being here for another episode of
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