Watch What Crappens - #2771 Summer House S906: Yo Ho Ho and a Bottle of Loverboy

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

During a pirate-themed episode of Summer House, Kyle and Craig finally come face to face to schedule their big face-to-face confrontation. Meanwhile, Carl invites a woman named Lil to the house, and Paige continues to display visible dissatisfaction about Craig.  Argggh! To watch this recap on video, listen to our Traitors bonus episodes, and participate in live episode threads, go to Patreon.com/watchwhatcrappens. Tickets for the Mounting Hysteria Tour are now on sale at watchwhatcrappens.comSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Indeed.com slash wonder ECA. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring Indeed is all you need. Hello and welcome to Watch What Crappens, a podcast about all that crap on Bravo that we just love to talk about I'm Ben Mandelker and joining me today He is the one the only the man who is currently in a spritzer feud with his dog. It's Ronnie Karam How are you? Hi, what's going on with you, baby? Not much We are here today to talk summer house. Uh, and then tomorrow we are flying off to Charlotte where we will be recapping the

season finale of Southern charm Saturday night. And then following that on Sunday we'll be in Atlanta and we will be recapping the classic real houses of orange County episode, bringing up old ghosts, season 11, episode 16. It's where Megan King Edmonds goes around saying, are you an old tool? Are you an old tool? And then there's many other funny things.

It's a great episode, excited to revisit it. Go to WatchTheCrapins.com to get your tickets for either show, maybe both show, be a roadie, who knows? There's also, we're also going to plenty of cities afterwards. We will be going to DC and Philadelphia in about 10 days. And then after that, we will be, in April, we are going to Boston, Detroit, and Chicago,

all in one weekend. So that's gonna be a lot of fun. And then in May, we'll have two shows in Texas and Las Vegas. So it's been so much fun being out on tour. Come join us at patreon.com slash watch our crap ends. So you can watch us on video and you get access to our bonus episodes.

Last week we did airport snaps where we sat around at an airport in Cincinnati and talked about all the people who were around us. And it was quite an experience. So that is all the news that is fit to print unless I missed anything, did I miss anything Ronnie? around us and it was quite an experience. So that is all the news that is fit to print. Unless I missed anything, did I miss anything, Ronnie? I don't know. But here we are with Sommerhausen season nine, episode six. I don't know what it's called. Spreads or Feud? Bubbles? Oh, tensions

bubbling. Tensions bubbling. That's what it's called. Oh, that makes sense. That's clever. That's nice. So we opened up, we're in New York City and they're being very jazzy about it. Like dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun New York City. And Jesse pulls up to pick up West. This is a big bromance episode for the two of them. It's like a big douchey bar stool sports kind of love that they have this episode, which regrettably,

I thought was kind of endearing, but still I was like, but also, but you know. I found nothing endearing. I can't help myself. Nothing endearing, don't get soft. Don't get soft on me. I'm usually manipulated, but they wanted to tell the story about how these guys have kind of a cute bromance and I was like, fine, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like, I'm just like what I want to see. I want to see these guys try and pull in front of like one of those big pickup

trucks in Texas and just watch your asses get kicked. Cause that's all I think of with guys like this. It's like you're going to get your ass kicked once and I want to be there to see it. I was not about the dog thing and I forgot like that was the thing that Carl used to do all the time. I totally forgot about it cause Carl reconnects with it cause he's definitely like, Oh, I'm like a, I'm like a cool guy again, huh?

Woof, woof, woof, woof, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, I'm a dog, ho, I'm a dog, yeah, I'm a dog. And it's before even Lindsay is the whole, his sobriety is, has acted a different way towards him. It's like he's come out of, it's like if you've ever watched those movies, okay, have you ever seen one of those movies? Here's a trope that they do a lot or a TV show where someone wakes up, but they have no memory.

And then the whole thing is them trying to figure out like who they were. And then sometimes they find out that they committed murder or something like that. Carl's that character. He just has like woken up and he's like, who am I? I don't even know who I am anymore. Do I like soda? Do I like what's soft? Soft. I'm going to call it soft. Maybe that's what I do. You know what? I'm going to make a pirate party. Oh, whoo! He just doesn't seem to know who he is. He's trying to like get little clues doesn't seem to know who he is.

He's trying to get little clues from places to figure out who he is. Yeah, he's a very sad person, I feel like. Sad in terms of he looks lost, I should say. So then, speaking of- That's what I mean, he looks confused. It's like somebody with maybe later in life where they're not remembering and there's just that moment of looking confused. It's like, yeah, it's like somebody with some, maybe like later in life where they're not remembering and there's just that moment of like looking confused.

He's got that. I feel like he's always trying to convince himself that he's happy. Like there's a look on his face like he's not happy and he's trying to like find what something and it's actually, it's actually really sad. Well, I get that, you know, but I think the best part of life is just learning

that you're not happy. Like most of the best part of life is just learning that you're not happy. Like most of the time, I think life is just not happy. And it doesn't mean you have to be miserable and depressed, but it doesn't mean like you're it just means you're not walking around every day. Oh, my God. I think sometimes people equate sobriety with like, oh, maybe I'm not sober. So then I'll get sober or lose weight or whatever it is. I'm going to do this thing. And then that's going to make me happy. And then you're like, this is really fucking boring. And I think part of it is just realizing that life is kind of boring and that's,

that's the path we're on, baby. It's called the human existence. You know, it's like how you deal with it being boring, you know, what do you do with your board? What do you do when you're bored? That's what really matters. This may sound crazy. I don't think life is boring at all. I think I actually like- Well, you've never really had an addiction. So you don't know the, and I don't mean it like in a, well, you wouldn't know. I don't mean it like that.

I just mean it. What I'm talking about is when you're addicted to something, there's a certain thrill that comes from that addiction, right? So the drugs or the alcohol or the food or whatever it is. So when you take that away, you're like, Oh my God, this is boring without that. And like normal life kind of is like that. You don't have those stimulants pump it. I don't know why I'm going on about this or to demean your happy life. Yeah. I don't mean to demean your happy life either. I just mean,

you already know what it's like. So you know how to fill your time. You know? No, I am lucky that I don't have an addiction now. Excuse me, I'm going to pause the podcast and go get five gallons of cold brew. Okay, bye. No, no, no, I get what you're saying. Like, if like, you know, I can, I can, I should say, I can imagine I am fortunate that I don't have any like hardcore addictions

and that maybe life can seem a little dull or less vibrant when you come down from that. But I don't know, has not been my experience, but I can understand how that can be someone's experience. One, I think that you're someone to look up to too, because for someone like me, I look at someone like you and you do know how to fill your life with really positive things.

I see you do it, You, you really do. You have a full dance card. You keep it moving, you know? So I mean, hopefully that's a good thing. Maybe it is. Maybe I'm secretly like very sad and I just have to fill myself with activities, but I actually don't think so. I think I'm actually pretty happy. And, um, you know, sometimes I do think I'm actually addicted to like, and it sounds ridiculous. And this is not the same as heroin, but I do think I'm addicted addicted to, and this sounds ridiculous, this is not the same as heroin, but I do think I'm addicted to certain things like,

I buy a lot of board games, I buy a lot of cookbooks, and I'm like, I don't need to buy these things, but keep buying them, because I love them, and they make me happy, but then I don't cook out of my cookbooks, or I had some of the games sit on my shelf for like three years before I play them, and I feel like that's probably some sort of addiction on some level, but you know what,

I think it doesn't compare to drugs, hardcore drugs. So I'm gonna just sort of quietly wrap up that commentary. Well, we never know. Maybe if one day we were like, you have to quit board games, then maybe we'd see. You'd be like, how do I fill my time? Oh, tired party. I will be like, you stole my goddamn house.

I mean, I would be like, you better watch out. You better watch out or take away my games and my cookbooks. So anyway, I don't know why we're here. The point is Carl's confused. Carl looks very confused. He's always on reset. None of this excuses the woofing. None of this excuses the woofing.

That's right. And I think that's a car full of douchebags, but I'm glad you found it cute. I didn't think the car full of douchebags was cute. I thought what was cute was Jesse and West at the house, but the car with, well, because the car also had Carl in it too, I mean, but like in the house, they put the beds together.

You can't have, you can't have Carl without Carl. Ha ha ha, hey, doggy on board, woof woof woof woof woof. Can I say something, oh,, I wanna talk about this. Since we're talking about dogs, I'm sorry we're here, it's happening. I went, it's Bagel Thursday today, as some of you may know. And I went to, I got my bagel

and then I went to Blue Bottle afterwards, across the street, cause I was like, I'm gonna have a nice quiet moment with a cold brew, iced Nola, I'm sorry. And the people next to me had a bulldog and it was in there. I was at first, I like bulldogs. Bulldogs are so cute. They're these big, big silly dogs. But this dog like was fascinated with the floor and started licking and licking and licking and licking and licking and licking. And I looked down and there was

a puddle of dog saliva, of slobber. And it was just growing and growing. I just kept on licking and it was shiny. It was like, it was three dimensional. It had ripples and bubbles and everything. And it was wide. And I was disgusted. I'm sitting here eating this bagel,

looking at this growing puddle of saliva. And I just got so mad because the owners are just sitting there like, da da da da da da da da. I'm like, what, like, if you know your dog is going to be leaving puddles of saliva in a place where people are eating or drinking, you got to eat, keep that dog outside. I am sorry. And so I am really upset about this and I don't blame the dog. I blame the owners, people be better, be more responsible because there are people like me in the world who are absolutely disgusted by your dog's slobber pools.

Okay, and that's my public service message. One, you know how girls on this show feel. And two, that dog was just saving that floor from infection. Leave that dog alone. So what if it licked the floor? The floor should thank it. Dog lick is very healthy. No, this wasn't just like a dog licked the floor? The floor should thank it. Dog lick is very healthy. This wasn't just like a dog licking the floor.

Wasn't like a few like, animals do that. It's fine. This, I almost took a photo and I'm like, I will not take a photo, Ben. You can just move on with your life. See, and here you said I had a happy life and here I am getting so angry about all of dog goo. I know, I think we're starting to see the dark side. Am I happy? Am I happy?

Because look how triggered I am by it, you know? But don't look in the floor. It's what dogs do. Let the dog live. You think the dog's sitting there like, I'm going to take a picture of that guy being persnickety in a store and drinking his Nola. If you could have seen, it was like someone had spilled some like a half a bottle of corn syrup on the floor.

It was disgust. It was, it's too much people. Come on. So I don't know. Hold on. Live your best life. Lick on. Licky. No, you can lick like outside, do it outside. Don't do it where someone could be putting their life flip flop. Well that dog probably quit doing coke recently and now look at it. It's just trying to find some joy in the world. Just fucking leave it alone. We all deal in our own ways.

Okay, so then we go to Paige and Craig picking up Gabby because Gabby is Lindsay free this week. So we'll see how that goes. Frankly, I think it leads to a much better Gabby that she's not like a walker for Lindsay. Cause I feel like she's a crutch for Lindsay, like a walker. And Lindsay's just like, oh, you're my support, oh, you're my support.

And so it's nice to see the walker, you know, loosen up and go have some fun. Yeah, I mean, Lindsay needs that walker. She always has someone in that capacity. And it will lead to interesting drama if Gabby decides to become independent. Unfortunately, Gabby has really kind of receded into the background of the season.

It's like she's just sort of, you forget she's on the show. She's just not doing much, which is too bad because Gabby's been wonderful in the past. But anyway, she gets in the car with Craig and Paige and Craig is like, I got you some drinks and we'll have some snacks. And she's like, oh my God, you got drinks? This is like the best Uber ever.

And Paige quietly to herself in the front seat is like, I got the drinks. Yeah. She's like, this fucking guy first had to see his foot in the sink in Charleston and now I've got to let him take all the credit for me gathering the cans of Poppy. Yeah, Craig taking all the credit. Did you see by the way that Poppy sold for $1.6 billion?

Holy crap. Those two people from House Hunters, that we recapped an episode on Dwell Hello of House Hunters, those people who founded Poppy and this like, this is 2020 or 2019, so as before Poppy was big, we kind of invented Poppy is what I'm saying. They just sold for one.

You're welcome, Poppy. Six billion. It was me going on Dwell Hello and talking about how shitty your soda is that propelled you to this $1.6 billion deal. Yeah, that hot, hot, that hot, hot guy who was part of that couple, that's what I always remember. I remember nothing.

So they're in the car and making small talk and stuff and Paige is like, it's Amanda's birthday on Wednesday, so we're gonna do like a surprise. We're going to have Kyle stay sober and not make her cry. And I don't know, we're thinking about something with avocados, not really sure. Let's do a guacamole. That'll break her, Craig.

No one is stealing her guacamole. So then in the other car, Jesse's like, this is good. Like everybody shake hands. Okay, I'm gonna go take a hook out. This'll be great. And then everyone's just driving. Everyone's driving and Paige is like, so Gabby, I'd like to say that you didn't miss much last weekend,

but you actually kind of missed a lot. I was kind of iconic. Like I'm probably gonna make the season trailer and honestly, maybe the mid season trailer on it. They'll just go back and show more of it. It was so good. I just want you to know, my thigh gap is going to make every cut of the season. You're going to see it in every preview this season.

Nobody's got a thigh gap like me. Sorry you missed it. You fucking loser. Oh, by the way, Kyle was trying to yell at me about Craig. I mean, talk about getting some balls. Yeah, he called me a liar on national television. Well, in his defense, you are on national television and you're a fucking pathological liar, Craig.

Okay. You do have a tendency to lie while on national television. So he's like, yeah, you went on to watch what happens. And he said, wow, Craig lit a house on fire. And I was like, what? And I'm like, Craig, he didn't say that. But he accused me of being a liar. He just lied while defending yourself.

Oh. Okay, what do you guys think? Now, there he called me a liar. I'm a mayor, a mayor and a literature expert. Make or not, Craig. He went on to watch, Kyle went on to watch I'm a mayor, a mayor and a literature expert. You're not, Craig. He went on to, Kyle went on to watch what happens live and called Patricia a bitch.

It's true. It's true. I swear to God. Yeah, you want to watch what happens and he accused me of being a liar. And I'm like, what? I don't lie about anything ever. I don't lie.

It's a story. Cause I'm a storyteller. She's like, well, because Craig told him he was going to invest in another alcohol company. I mean, even if I had, like, what bearing does it even have on Kyle's life at all? I mean, that space is massive. Kylie and Kendall are sisters and they each have a fucking alcohol brand. Yeah, Kyle. He's like, yes. Thank you, Craig.

Thank you for reminding us that you're basically like a Kardashian just exploring the space. Oh, and Paige is like, oh my God, not the Jenner's. Please don't bring them into this. He's like, it's a huge space. Like it doesn't even affect Kyle. So then in the douche car, the guys are like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

And Wes is like, oh, hey, Emeril, last summer we barked a lot. Like, I don't know if you want to bark with us, but it comes with a free lady scarf that you get to wear on your head and a trucker's cap that kind of floats five inches from the top of your mushroom hair. So. He's like, that's cool.

I'm more of a howler. Oh, like thanks Emeril. By the way, just want to let you know Emeril, it was really cool hearing you how this is probably the last time we're actually gonna have a conversation with you all weekend. Thanks so much for being here. Yeah, he's like, wow, somebody howled

and now it smells like syphilis in this car. I'm really sure. They literally talked to Emeril the whole weekend. Like, you forget Emeril's, like, Emeril's only role in the show, it seems, is that he just brings people in anonymously in the middle of the night, and he didn't even do that this weekend. Yeah. He just talks about fucking a lot, you know?

So then, um, Jesse's like, Oh guys, you know, I don't know if you've ever heard Lexi's work, but it goes like this. Woof, woof. It's like, so good. You guys. Wow. I'm like not even off of Manhattan. We're already talking about Lexi. Carl's like, Whoa, she's staying back on the city. She's like, yeah, she's in Toronto. Her best friend had a, had a baby. They've already put so much mascara on it's cute little face. It's so amazing. Yeah. She said it's like a baby boy and it's already more mature than every guy

in this house. So actually pretty amazing. So Carl gets a call. He's like, hold on, hold on, hold on. One second. amazing. So Carl gets a call. He's like, hold on, hold on, hold on. One second. Got a call. Got a call. Want to authorize the pickup for my draft? Oh yeah. Sorry. I was a little surprised by my party tomorrow. Sorry. We're just sorry. I was going to talk some table stakes because we're going down a vortex. I just want to funnel all this information into the corporate jargon because we're going to open the kimono on like basically soft sodas and you know, it's just going to be a real, you know, like come to the table, move the needle moment.

Carl, yeah, guys, let me tell you a little backstory. I'm from Pittsburgh and they're famous for Pittsburgh pirates. We call them cake eaters. So I love pirates. They eat cake. So I'm going to show throw a shipwreck party. All right. And guess what?

My ex fiance is not going to be there. Let's fucking go. Yes. It's like really hard for me to have like my first pirate party without my ex fiance. I just need like a little bit of time and space and just I want everyone in this house to just treat me a little bit of tenderness right now.

Kind of ironic. I'm having a pirate party when the wench is gone. Oh. I know kind of ironic. I'm having a pirate party when the wench is gone. I would walk the plank, but that board is pretty hard. Do we have a soft plank I can walk on? So yeah, I invited a girl guys cause I'm talking to a girl. She's like really cute. I'm attracted to her and I have a feeling if she's into me, she's going to be kind of like olive oil from the film version of Popeye.

So let's see. Let's see. Hey, does Polly want a cracker? I mean, like whatever you want, like it's really whatever you want. Like I don't wanna make a decision. I just want Polly to hug me. Does Polly like maybe want a cracker that's gluten free?

I mean, I'm into that if you need that. Like I'm here to support your boundaries. So. It is the cracker soft. So guys, I'm starting a soft cracker company. Yo ho ho on a bottle of seven up. So I do it in Europe. Uh, in Europe, they call it bread, but here I'm going to call it soft crackers.

I'm gonna call it soft crackers. It's like my teeth before I got the videos. It's time for a commercial. It's time for a Crappin's commercial. Hello, I'm Dak Shepard. And I'm Monica Padman. And we are in our seventh year of hosting actors, musicians, athletes, presidents, CEOs, scientists, and professors. Monica and I do three weekly shows with celebrities on Monday, experts on Wednesdays, and crazy stories from listeners on Fridays. It's got an ample dose of irreverence, humor, and vulnerability.

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by joining Wondery+. to even the Royals early and ad free by joining Wendery Plus. So, um, uh, West is like, Hey, did you, uh, Hey, Carl, Hey, did you invite shorty to the party? And he's like, yeah, I invited a girl. He tries so hard. Hey bro, did you buy invite shorty? Please stop. Someone uncringe him. Like I'm so cringe every time this, him and Jesse, every time they talk, I'm just like, Oh, I bought whole clenches.

He's like, Hey shoddy, it's your birthday. What a party. Like it's a birthday. We don't even give a fuck if it's not your birthday. Ha. Um, so he says, uh, yeah, I invited a girl. She sent me a selfie last weekend. She's really pretty. She's tall, she's got a good body, and her name is Lil, which is funny, because she's tall, but her name is Lil.

It's like, are you tall or are you Lil? She's like, is she a shorty, is she a literally shorty, is she Lil, or is she shorty? I'm really confused right now, guys. Oh, hey, Lil, you look a little tall. Oh, oh, oh. And then I had to wait for a response. I had to wait for a response.

Oh, but I got a selfie, so it worked out. Worked out. We're basically getting married. We've already decided on our couple name, which is gonna be Carl. Carol. Our couple name is Carol. Carlil.

Carlil. Lerl. At an union, we're a decent hotel. Oh. We haven't decided if we're, we're, we're liberal. If we don't know, we're not sure if we're a Laurel or a Carol, but I think we're Laurel, Laurel, Laurel, Laurel, Laurel, Carly.

Oh, so he's like, yeah. So she was hard. Like she, she sl her, like she, she slid into my DMS in last year and we started messaging in October and then like fast forward to the summer. And you know, she's got a good personality. She's energetic. She's the yoga studio, instructor.

And like, I'm just, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling Lil. Yeah. And Emeril's like, obviously you're still looking for a connection, right? He's like, yeah, yeah looking for a connection but like guys Truth be told let me tell you secret. I haven't had sex since last summer. So But wasn't the thing last summer that he wasn't having sex with Lindsay. So I don't think even had sex last summer. Did he?

Um, I don't think so and by the way, by the way something else I think so. And by the way, by the way, something else. Wasn't he kind of like shaming Lindsay for like moving on and like after their breakup really quickly with Tanner? Like you were texting with Lil in October. I'm sorry, you may not have gone on a date. Maybe you didn't have sex,

but you were already playing the field in October, sir. So don't think that got by us. I wasn't seeding it. So I would say that's quite a difference. My field isn't pregnant. So Honestly, I thought I was just talking to Lil Wayne. Turns out it was the instructor white woman Ironically enough. I actually was actually texting Lil Wayne as well. I Was like you look a little short. I did not get a text back

I did not get a selfie from Lil Wayne So, you know, I'm all like 50-50 right now, which as the cake pirates would say in my state, argh. So still winning. Lil Wayne, by the way, does have a message for everyone. He says, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we. Ha. So Jesse's like, yeah, guys, we're

going to get Carl late this weekend. Lindsey's not going to come, right? And he's like, yeah guys, we're gonna get Carl late this weekend Lindsay's not gonna come right and he's like no. Yeah, I want you to find your pirate's booty bark bark How how brah? Debating whether or not to go on a tangent about pirate's booty am I gonna do this and The answer is I'll do a very quick one, which is that apparently the founder of pirate's booty And the answer is, I'll do a very quick one, which is that apparently the founder of Pirate's Booty declared himself the mayor of a town that he lives in in Long Island.

And was like, I'm the mayor now. Everyone's like, no, you're not. And he's like, yes. And he like is trying to have like a full on takeover of this town. And this happened yesterday. This is fresh Pirate Booty news. So, you know, give updates as they come through.

And then the makers of Poppy Soto were like, sorry, we just bought your town. We're having it burnt down. Poppy versus Pirate's Beauty, the rivalry continues. So we go to the Hamptons and the Craig Van pulls up and Paige is like, oh my God, home sweet home. And Craig's like, is Lindsay coming? And Gabby's like, no, she's with Turner's family.

And you know, Paige was like, oh thank God. Just pretending to be happy for her. So then- So hard walking into somebody's room with orange juice and saying, hello Mrs. Lindsay, are we feeling okay today? Are we gonna have a good day today? Or is it gonna be a rough day today? Thank God.

Ew. or is it gonna be a rough day today? Thank God. Yeah. So then guess what guys, Uber Eats all over that patio or the front stoop Uber Eats is clearly sponsoring the show and we know that because it gets mentioned every three seconds. Yeah, they're furnished by Uber Eats.

It says at the end, I read up on it. Oh, that's right. It does say that. Yeah. So they got a bunch of snacks, which is really fun. And then guess what? My home is also furnished by Uber Eats. I'm sitting on a cardboard container right now.

It held a salad. This smells a little bit like body odor, because that's how onions smell the next day. Yeah. So this front door, there was like one moment this season where it opened up nicely, and ever since then the door continues to stay. How is this door still messed up? This door is like, this is such a camera hog. This door, this door's like, no,

you won't just open me. I am going to have my moment. You cannot take my moment away from me. You are going to have to barge down this door cause I'm getting on this camera. The door is the Lexi of doors. It's like, I'm not committing to opening until you're committed to me I'm not a little door. I'm a really really rigid door Also official RIP to Bailey because last weekend because this is only the third weekend in the house I think and last weekend they did the perfunctory. Oh is Bailey coming this weekend like no

She's having boy trouble and then this then this weekend, they don't even ask about Bailey anymore. So she's officially gone. Yeah, Bailey's dead. She shined bright. She was like a star. She shined bright. She shone bright.

And then. And then she ran from the old people. That happens with stars, you know? She's like, ew, gross. So Paige walks in and she's like, oh my God, I love air conditioning. It just feels so regal and classy. Oh my God, I'm getting upset. Okay, guys, we need to set up for Amato's party

to let her know that we really love her. So order some Domino's and throw some guacamole on the floor. Okay, are we ready? Does anyone know how to play the trombone? I'm hoping someone can stand in the corner when she walks in and go, brrr, brrr. We just really want to hear to play the trombone? I'm hoping someone can stand in the corner when she walks in and go. Brrr.

Brrr. Hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe. . join this cast. Like she's just Rachel Dratch is hanging out with them, but they're like, it's never acknowledged that she's Rachel Dratch, but she's just there, you know? Being like, hey girl, you want to make some pizza? And they're like, sure, Rachel Dratch. Rachel Dratch, pizza, huh? God, last time I saw something that flat was when I saw that family of five

get run over by a semi on the freeway. So Craig's like, hey, George, your room's like, we're staying in Lindsay's room this weekend. I demand a penthouse. What am I poor? Page was like, yeah, we're going to stay in Lindsay's room this weekend because I've always been a such a fan of cocoon and I wanted to really feel like what it was like to be Jessica Tandy.

I want to wrap myself around those blankets. It'll be nice, you know, not having to walk to the bathroom because there's a bedpan in that room. So I say we just do it there. I've always wanted to go to sleep to the sound of the- Give each other sponge baths for the weekend. I always wanted to go to sleep to the sound of the Victrola next to the bed. The only thing that plays on that TV is Jeopardy and Wheel of

Fortune over and over again. It's going to be glamorous. So, I mean, Sierra comes, she hugs, she says hi to Gabby. Gabby's like, I need a glass of wine. Craig, do you want a glass of wine? He's like, I'm okay. I'm gonna have a beer or root beer. Thank you though. I'm like, I said addiction last week on my show, so I'm just gonna have some root beer today. Thanks though.

Really good to follow through on that storyline. But I'm gonna give myself the option to not be sober anymore, which is why I'm saying I'm gonna have a beer or a root beer. I'm like, those are two wildly different experiences that you're gonna have, just so you know.. Like those are two wildly different experiences that you're gonna have just so you know. The viewers can choose their own path on that one. It's like being like, no, I'm good.

I think I'm gonna have some orange juice or maybe like a shot of vodka. I don't know, I have to figure it out. It's like, no, you're setting yourself up for two different paths. So Paige is like, ew, people who don't drink wine are gross. Let's drink Gabby. She's like, fuck yeah. Okay.

So they drink and then the guys arrive and howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, howl, Carl does it so much that I'm starting to think that he might have like a puppy kink, you know?

Like, you know, the pups, that whole, there's that whole kink where like you dress up, you like, you sort of put on the thing and you're like a puppy. And then you like, it's like a weird affection. It's not weird. It's everyone, everyone's kink is allowed. But it's like you are, you-

I'm not fucking a puppy there. I don't care if you're kink, fuck your kink shame. You know when you lick the floor in a coffee shop? I don't care, send me your letters. And you know what, what are we going to get? Letters from puppy kinks? They don't have oppos send me your letters. And you know what, what are we gonna get letters from puppy kinks? They don't have opposable thumbs. Sorry, who are you gonna complain to?

Puppy kink people. I'm not fucking a puppy, stop that. Just stop it. See your role play all the way through. If you complain to us, that means you're failing your role play because you have paws and you're not supposed to understand English.

Yeah, go lick a floor somewhere. Go lick the floor blue bottle, okay? So everyone's saying hi, and then Amanda and Kyle arrive across the hall. I think I see her! And so they walk in, and, you know, Amanda's like, hi, wow, oh my God, amazing, I'm overwhelmed. Happy birthday! And she's like, honestly,

I thought I was 33 for a really long time. Like I keep forgetting how old I am. All I know is that I'm old enough for Kyle to have completely stolen my youth. Kyle. Kyle. She has actually a nice little comment here. She talks about how she's really been

healing herself mentally and she's diving into the things that her depression and anxiety were holding her back from. So good for her. And then now Craig is drinking alone in the living room because Kyle's basically not saying hi to Craig, which is so funny to me. And Kyle's like, Craig is like, fine, I guess I won't say hi to her anymore.

I'll just hang out and club send it, I guess. Ooh. I'll just hang out and club send it, I guess. Hang out and club send it. Just makes me laugh. So Fait is like, okay, we're going to eat snacks. We're going to have a pizza party. We made a lot of effort, Amanda, a lot. She's like, oh my gosh, this is amazing.

We have everything. Carl's like, this weekend, I want to dress else in the room between me and Greg because what he did was super, super shady. And we're going to have a discussion about it. So, um, and then we see flashbacks about this whole mess and Kyle's like, look, was it wrong with me to let my emotions get the best of me? Yes, it was. But the bottom line I was lied to and I was hurt. And like,

so now like it's about saving whatever friendship there's is there and probably like more importantly, making sure that it doesn't affect the relationship between Paige and Amanda. And then afterwards I can get shit faced and P and a Bush. Yeah. So Carl's like, Hey, you guys, you know what we need for our party tomorrow? I think we're going to reload that cooler tomorrow. Get ready for a reload. It's Carl 9.0.

Yeah, yeah. People say I'm not fun anymore, but what could be more fun than reloading a cooler? Cooler, reloaded. Boom, boom, boom, boom, falling down flights of stairs. Big announcement, guys. Big announcement. Carl, you have the floor.

Guys, I may just start doing it right now. Carl 5.0, reloading a cooler right now. Who wants to join? Ha. Carl's like, yeah, if you're gonna do that, you better stake out in a non-alc corner. Non-alc, corner non-alc. Already ahead of you, bro. I'm gonna stake it out,

and then afterwards, gonna have some sunny day. Ha. So then, I don't know why, Carl's energy is giving me very much like that, like, hey, just got done with soccer practice, I could go for something purple stuff, nah. Sunny D, yeah. So Gabby is like, okay, girls,

what do we need to change into? What do we need to do? Because I, and then she bumps her head into something. She bumps her sunglasses on her head. So that was- So it suits her chow. So it suits her chow. So now Carl is crushing a box with his foot. Carl's like really manic this weekend.

He's like, look how fun I am with that Lindsay. Crushing a box. Yeah, crushing a box. Not out corner. Pirates. Lil, Lil. Have I mentioned Lil? Have I shot my load too fast?

It's a lot guys. Like the first five minutes I've said pirates, Lil, corner pirates. Will will have a mission will have a shot my low too fast. So long guys like the first five minutes I've said pirates will have crushed a box and have said not now. Are we still on the same page? That's Carl nine point. Oh baby. You know what runs little Phil

as an I'm going to fill that cooler right now. So fun. I'm having so much fun right now. Why me remix you little Phil Collins bro. Come on. That's a little depressing.

This is Carl D'Aporno. Okay. I would never say no to that, just so you know. And so Kyle's like, wow, okay, look at you. Like, with your tall privilege, sticking your whole foot in the garbage can without having to like use a step stool. That's pretty cool.

So by the way, how's Jersey? You met up with your business partners? He's like, yeah, yeah, we got to trademark. We got trademark on the name. And by trademark, I mean, I just called someone up and then said, Oh, meet you at Kinko's. I've got a delivery. Move the needle. I'm actually impressed that he got a trademark because I would imagine that it's

not easy to get a trademark on something called soft drinks, but I know good for you. But even honestly like his thing is soft bar, but I have to, I would think that soft bar would have already been taken unless is it just such an idea that people are like, yeah, this will never take off. I don't bother trademarking it. I'm impressed that he got that trademark. Soft bar. It's unbelievable. But listen, I haven't announced the brand on social.

It's not a fish. So like it's, it has been publicized and that's coming next week. That's huge. That's huge. It's gonna be huge. It's gonna be big. It's gonna be soft. Yeah. We're gonna do a soft launch.

See what I did there. I'm gonna be announcing my new company. It's called Softbar. So Softbar is a mindful consumption bar and cafe Williamsburg. Die, just let it die. Just fucking die in a fire. A fucking mindful consumption bar?

How about a suck my dick bar, okay? That is mindful, now that's the real mindful consumption bar. A suck my dick bar. Line up the glory holes. If I ever line up for a place called a mindful consumption bar, just fucking have a group of puppies murder me. Sex puppies murder me. You know, sex puppies murder. Just rolled me around on a, on a, on a bulldog slobber puddle.

Okay. Because I am not dealing with this. Look, you can have, you can have a mindful consumption bar. You can have a place in Williamsburg. You cannot have both. Okay. It's gotta be one or the other because I'm barely tolerating mindful cause I don't know what mindful consumption is. I'm just annoyed by it. And Williamsburg just is that just put me over the edge. Okay. It's fine if you want to do a non-ELK bar. I'm not going to shade you about that or as I like to call it a coffee house, but you know what though, the mindful consumption get out, get out. I don't want to hear it. By the way. Hi, Williamsburg

lived there for seven years, 475 Ken Avenue. Hey baby, miss you. And it was before it was completely douched out. You know, it was a long time ago that I lived there, but we did have like a lot of metal workers. It would be like a Thai restaurant, a coffee shop, and then like some guy with like a really long beard, you know, and like steampunk, you know, steampunk style. And he'd be like, guys, I do medical, metalwork. Anybody need metalwork for their apartment?

Yeah, it's like a lot of- I'll try and think of something, Jeffrey. It's a lot of like suburban people who are like now doing like, you know, 1905 like farmer cosplay. Yeah, there was a lot of that. Like Grapes of Wrath cosplay, you know. There was a lady who like grew tomatoes on our roof

and it was just not built for that, you know. Yeah, and there were like the, Jeffrey the metal worker, his name was spelled like J-E-J-O-F-F-R-I-E-Y-E-E. It's like, oh God, I hate Jeffrey. How am I supposed to look up your metal shop, sir? Yeah, exactly. So anyway, he is, oh, Mindful Consumption Bar and Cafe in Williamsburg,

and we're just gonna be serving non-alcoholic drinks that are more premium, more sophisticated, more elevated, and they're just always gonna be haters, I don't know, like Ben and Ronnie, but last summer, Lindsay had her feedback, and we see her being like, no. But like last summer, Lindsay had her feedback and we see her being like,

no. It's like, honestly, okay, print this. Thank you, Lindsay. Thank you, Lindsay Hubbard. Because at the time I told her that I wanted to start a bar and you know what? It was a bad idea. So that's why I went back to the table.

I refined my idea and now I can't wait. Oh, so I mean, I guess you are giving her credit for telling you to rework it because you reworked it So you're admitting that you had no I just had a general idea and you wanted to dive in headfirst and look I am giving shit to Carl because his thing just sounds so pretentious Mocktails are fucking delicious and there are are so many, and like, I think there is definitely a way to do like a place where you go in and just get some amazing mocktails and have some bites. Of course.

Listen, there's plenty of people, especially in Williamsburg, who want to spend $25 on a glass of punch and let them do it. Ha ha ha ha. But like, I just, you know what? I just can't deal with the mindful consumption branding of it. Like just drives me nuts. I cannot do it. I've always been a fan of mindless consumption. That's how I roll. I'm an old lady bitch. That's how I am.

Just don't tell me how I'm consuming your mocktails. Just say that they're on the menu and I will show up if I want to. Yeah. I'll be mindful if I want, you know, that's my own path. So then, um, we see Carl's like, so, come on, Kyle. Let's talk about you and your emotions. Your very serious storyline of competing bubbles. So, you're gonna try and talk to Craig. And he's like, yeah, yeah.

You know, I've never ever in my life felt more wrongfully attacked. It's huge. Yeah, like when you put your blood, sweat and tears into something as an entrepreneur and as a founder, there's like no delineation between business and your personal life, right? And like you've seen that firsthand. And like, I take, I take things personally. I'm like, oh, it's your business, but it's like, not just my business, business, like personal.

So like, I'm like, I'm sad and like, we just can't go back to how it was. I mean, look, we see how it goes. Is like founder is like being a founder now, just a personality trait. Like I feel like I never heard people really refer to themselves as founders as much as like, it just started with Danielle last year. And now it's like, well, I'm a founder. My job is that I'm a founder. No, it's like a status.

Like you did that, but it's not like who you are. Like that's not like, I don't go around being like, well, I'm a founder. So I founded a podcast with Ronnie Karam. I'm a founder. We're founders. Yeah. And CEOs don't forget.

Commercials, here comes one right now. So then Jesse's calling Sierra into his West Room and they're like playing around. And then Amanda and Paige are like playing around in their room. And Amanda's like, oh my God, I woke up with the biggest pimple on my chin two days ago to the point where my whole fucking chin was swollen.

I'm gonna name her Bertha. So she's being as compelling as ever. And then Gabby is, she's upset because there are too many flies in the room. And then now Wes and Jesse are together. And Jesse's like, hey, I love that Sierra walked up to our room. That was like the closest that she's got.

And Wes is like, yeah, that was like a little progress. Like, yeah, I mean, next thing, she might come in here for a slumby. Yeah, you know, I don't know that we're going to be in slumby land. Like, you know, a big win know that we're going to be in slumby land. Like, you know, a big one for me would be like, Hey, maybe like, bye, you know, like eye contact. Like she won't look me in the eye still just a sad little boy.

You didn't do anything. I'm going to talk to her. I mean, I say, Hey, you want to come in for a slumby? You know, cause like I'm friends with like both of you and it shouldn't be like this. Like there's more of the merrier at the slumby. So we get flashbacks of Jesse being so close to Sierra. And he's like, yeah, I'm like all between two friends. And like, I wish we could like all sit and get along

and like just be chill, you know? Like maybe I can level with Sierra and like help her realize he's not such a bad guy. I'm going to do that by sitting with her on a floatie and talking about how hot her cans are. I mean, God. I mean, God. I mean, God.

I mean, God. Are there any girls you're excited about? He's like, oh, sorry, that was Jesse who asked that to Wes. And Wes is like, no, like, am I, are you asking about like, am I dating anyone? No. He's like, oh, really? That's bullshit because I see a girl whose name pops up on your phone all the time.

I don't know what you're trying to tell, but I fucking know. Yeah, and he's like, yeah, well like truth be told, like I like attention, you know? So like my phone's juicy. It's a juicy shoddy, you know? And I'm like, well phone, step off the curb, you know what I'm like, well, phone step off the curb. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. The producer's like, so have you been spending time with a specific girl that you're not

talking about? He's like, no, I mean, um, no, like the one that Jesse's talking about, um, like lives in Montana. And like, if I was like seeing someone, um, serious, like he'd probably be the first to know, or maybe him or my mom, cause I'm cute, you know? And like, well, maybe not. I think it's Jesse. Sorry, mom. So Uber Eats comes, Uber Eats is here. And Emeril is like, hi, thanks for coming by. May I stick my penis in you? Okay. No. Okay.

Well, if you'd like to come back later as an arrow that floats on the screen, feel free. You know where I am. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, okay. Well, if you'd like to come back later as an arrow that floats on the screen, feel free, you know where I am. Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing. So Paige is on her phone looking at a metaphor for her relationship with Craig, basically an empty room. And like, what are you looking at Paige? She's like, I'm looking for Daphne, my cat,

because she's just like so iconic and just way more interesting than Craig ever is. But Daphne does not show up. and just way more interesting than Craig Ever is. But Daphne does not show up. So then Jesse comes in and Sierra's like, Oh my God, join us with your outfit. And he's like, I was like, what are you guys getting dressed for?

Cause like Lexi's not even here this weekend. Oh yeah. Oh cool. Wow. Jesse and Lexi talk at dinner already. Classic. And so Kyle's like, I can't believe that you use that outfit without Lexi here. He's like, are you guys saying this is a good or bad outfit?

I can't tell. All right, guys, let's do a toast to Amanda's 33rd birthday. You know when I got her for a birthday? Ironically, toast. So all right, who's counting? All right, who's counting? How old is she?

She's like, I'm old as fuck, but at least I'm not as old as Kyle. And Wes is like, hey, how old are you? Person at the corner of the table who we've never talked to before. And Emeril's like, 36. How about you? He's like, I'm 29, so I'm like a cute little kid, basically.

Yeah, so then Jesse and Sierra are like, you look good. You smell good, oh my God. So then Amanda cuts a cake and she's like, have you guys seen the new way they cut cake on TikTok? They just like put a cup down and then drag the cup out and it's full of cake. I hate that so much. I hate that.

Yeah, I've seen it. You're like, and then what, the dogs lick the cup? Yeah, seriously. Put them all down. Probably. So Jesse's like, wow, look, they're talking about TikTok slicing. Like, it looks like that Kyle and Craig are getting along.

Did they squash the beef? Did I miss it? Hey, you guys, you guys are getting along well. Like, did I miss the squashing of the beef? Should I sing a song to celebrate? Kyle's like, well, I sent a couple of texts to try to address it ahead of time. And I don't know, I don't want you

to think I'm avoiding you, Craig, even though I wouldn't say hi to you earlier until just now. No, I don't feel like you're avoiding me. I just, I texted you back, remember? And he's like, well, Craig, he's all that friendship, you know, it's not like an aha gotcha, you know, I just want to talk. He goes, I do too.

And that's why I said we should talk tomorrow. He's like, oh, but I think it would be like easier to talk sooner than later. He's like, um, but I think it would be like easier to talk sooner than later. He's like, um, actually it's, I've been in traffic and like, I would like to do it tomorrow because that's how people control things. They control the time. Yeah, it's like, you know, you both were in traffic

and you actually got to the house before Kyle. Craig's such a fucking douche. Craig's just trying to be like, oh, I control. And he even says it later. It's like a fucking douche. Craig's just trying to be like, oh, I control. And he even says it later. It's like he's trying to control things and show that he's the bigger man of the group by demanding when the meeting is gonna be.

Wow, Craig. Yeah, and Kyle's like, I don't want this hanging over my head. Let's squash this so we can enjoy ourselves. We can party tonight and have a good time. Yeah, but Craig doesn't care. He likes a nice awkward scene, you know? So he's like, yeah, I'm not going to do it today.

And Amanda goes, OK, so you guys are going to talk tomorrow. No, we're going to talk tonight. Why can't we just do tomorrow? Dude. He's like, oh, I just know Kyle wants to do it tomorrow. Like, what's the big deal? Let's just do it tomorrow. I say, all right, well, I guess I didn't realize

it was a timing thing. It's like, you know, my goal was to take this head on. Like, I know we have some things in our chest, but like for me, like trying to minimize this awkwardness, like what the fuck was that? And Kyle and Craig are kind of in a, um, open collar battle right now cause they're both wearing shirts where there's like no buttons on the car. They just, it's just like splayed out polo shirts and like I'm gonna show more of my chests

I'm gonna see more my clavicle and I'm gonna win the argument. Yeah, man. Craig's like no, I won't talk So he goes and now it's just totally awkward and Carl's like, oh Well, I'm here to celebrate a man his birthday so thank God it's awkward because I don't think we've ever had a birthday for A man that wasn't completely awkward. So yeah Nailing it ever had a birthday for a man that wasn't completely awkward. So yeah, nailing it. Does anyone want to help me finish filling up the cooler? It's getting awkward in here. So now Kyle's walking around outside.

He's like, dude, Craig is like a fucking psycho. He's such a fucking cock fucking sucker. So then Amanda's like, I'm just at a point where I'm so sick of Kyle fighting with Craig. I'm always wondering about it. And I don you know, I don't wonder if it's gonna affect my relationship with Paige. I mean, with Hannah and Kyle had a big falling out was so awkward for us and now she's really famous

and I don't get to be like friends with her while she's super famous. So like, if I have to miss out on Paige too, that's gonna be a real bummer for me. Yeah, and so Kyle's just stalking around the backyard going, cocksucker, he's such a dumb sucker. So he comes back and he's like, Jesus Christ. And so they're talking about, are they gonna party tonight?

And Emeril's like, yeah, fuck yeah. I'm down, I'll buy a table if you guys are down. I'm Emeril, I'm a table buyer. Yeah. So they're gonna go out and everything. They're gonna change, talk about, they're going to go out and everything. They're going to change. They're going to go out. All that fun stuff. And West and Jesse are getting ready. And Gabby's hanging out on their bed.

They're playing with Gabby. And then over in the other room, Amanda and Sierra are cleaning out the kitchen. And they put the birthday cake in the oven, because Sierra says that'll keep it fresh. Is that a thing? That's literally not a thing. Maybe I'm not sure where that comes from. Maybe it's maybe it was like really humid.

I noticed when, when Kyle went outside, when he opened up the door, the door had condensation on it. So maybe if it's really humid, they're worried that like keeping the cake out will not be good, but they don't want to put the cake in the fridge or dry out. Yeah, I think it just doesn't have room in the fridge. So they're going to put it in the, which makes sense, put it in the oven because it's like another cabinet, I guess.

Yeah. But yeah, I don't think it would keep it fresh. I was just praying that someone would preheat the oven just to see what would happen, just to see the chaos. So now people are leaving, and Paige and Craig are having their romantic night at home. Paige is like, my body hurts, my body and my brain. This situation with Kyle's awkward.

And Craig's like, well, I don't mean to fly off so fast, but like he just wants to do it and I don't want it to be quick. I'm like, it's not going to be quick. I'm like, he doesn't deserve this convo so he can do it on my time. Oh, shut up. It's such a stupid fight. It's so stupid. And the fact that you're pulling this like power play

when this is sort of the exact kind of like, the language that he's using is the exact sort of thing that he complains about from Austin and Schaap. And so now it just shows the hypocrisy. So everyone goes out to the bar, it's fun. And then Paige is like asleep in the bed and Craig is like, are you sleeping? She's like, mm-hmm.

Are you still sleeping? Mm-hmm. How about now, Craig? So it's 2 26 and people are arriving home and the kitchen is still a damn mess. And Jesse's like, Amanda's birthday over. And Carl's like, guys, this is serious. God, mac and cheese.

So they pick out and do their late night thing and giggle and laugh. And Gabby's having the best time with them. So then the next day, West is talking about how he had so much fun with Jesse and this is like the boys week, like we're renewing it. And so if that little fucking girlfriend comes in here and ruins it, getting its rear view.

Yeah. And this is where Jesse drunkenly is like, we gotta put the beds together. So they like move the beds together cause they're gonna have like a slumber party, which is, I thought it was cute, except what drove me nuts was that he pushed the beds together. He caused the rug to like wrinkle, not wrinkle,

like it rippled and he never smoothed out the ripple. Cause I could still see it when they smushed the beds together and I was like, how do you just stand there with a big ripple in your carpet? That's like- It's easy to do when it's not yours. It's like a rental house. So like who cares?

And when you're drunk. Yeah. I just think I trip on it. Make my rug ripple it. Yeah. So they fall asleep together in this double bed situation. Now in the morning, everyone wakes up, because that's what you do in the morning. And Paige is like, oh my God, I don't feel good. I woke up feeling so sick and nauseous.

And I think it's because I remembered that I hadn't broken up with you yet, Craig. Yeah. I think I'm overexposed to you. It's like radiation. Oh, so then Kyle's going for a run and she's like, oh my God, you're so chipper this morning. Is it cause you didn't get wasted last night? Isn't it nice to wake up sober?

And he's like, oh, not my first thing. Not my first time waking up sober, but thanks, but thanks. God, Craig, my arms hurt. That's how I know I'm getting sick. When my arms hurt. Also, when I see I'm getting sick, when my arms hurt. Also, when I see your face, that's a good way to know that I'm gonna be getting sick soon. So she's like, yeah, you feel awkward last night?

I mean, I felt like it was really awkward. He's like, yeah, but like that guy said crazy shit. Like, we're not as tight as we used to be. And like, if I didn't come out of the Hamptons with you, maybe we would never have made up. Cause like, he doesn doesn't deserve my friendship. Craig's so gross. How does Craig manage to go from so charming

in some seasons to just so gross? I know. Instantly, and then he can swing back and forth. It's amazing. So easily, so easily. It's like you just go from being like, oh, but Craig is so sweet. He's like a golden retriever to being like,

oh, fuck you, Craig. But I guess that's like the magic of Bravo. Paige is like, just go from being like, oh, but Craig is so sweet. He's like a golden retriever to being like, oh, fuck you, Craig. But I guess that's like the magic of Bravo. Paige is like, I'm a little annoyed with Craig for like reasons between me and Craig in our own relationship. But now I have this extra layer of being mad at Craig for avoiding this conversation with Kyle. And that's like really stressing me out. Like my arms hurt so much from the stress and he's making me like more anxious. And I think that like what's making me mad is he's not realizing that he's making me anxious. Also, I'm just starting to realize,

what if I'm like allergic to kangaroo? That could explain a lot of this arm situation. He's like, well, I'm gonna talk to Kyle, but it's on my terms, okay? Cause like, I don't even think he knows how like serious this conversation's gonna be. Okay, pillow man. So then we go back to,

Kyle comes back from his run and Jesse goes in and pours water all over Wes bed to wake him up. And so they go work out. And now someone's here with the pirate ship. Oh my God. I'm so nervous because Lil's coming. Lil's coming to the party.

I don't know if you guys remember, but in the beginning of the episode, Lil, she was front loaded. And she't know if you guys remember, but in the beginning of the episode, Lil, she was front loaded and she's pretty tall and she sent me a selfie. So it's huge, huge day for me. I'm like really nervous because a tall person named Lil,

which is kind of like a oxymoron, she's like coming to the house and it's like, I'm really nervous that she's coming. And like, I just want someone to hug me, but softly, because, but also hardly, because she's coming. And I want to go all out for Lil, who I've never met before and I've definitely haven't had sex with. So like, I'm just going to hug me, but softly, but also heartily, because she's coming and I want to go all out for Lil, who I've never met before and I've definitely haven't had sex with.

So like, I'm just going to shipwrecked. I'm going to have the meal part catered and there's going to be like, there's going to be a C cutery. See what I did there. That was good. That was good. Yeah, I was like, so good.

It was just like everything for Lil, everything for Lil. Originally it was going to be called soft cutery, but it was really hard to find only soft things to put on it. So I was going to do like a Lil thin party where everyone comes dressed as Lil, but then I realized no one knows who Lil is. So like maybe next year. Just so nervous. So the boat guys go build this huge boat in the backyard and Gabby and Emeril

talk about like what they're going to do. He's like, do you want to go to the gym? And she's like, I would rather eat the ranch off the floor. By the way, I'm Gabby. Nice to meet you. He's like, yeah, no, we've met before. Oh, I thought you were new this weekend. No, I've been here.

Just no one talks to me. So then now people are sitting around the bed. and Amanda is like, Amanda's going through bikinis and stuff and it turns out that this is like her new gig is that she, you know, we knew last year that she wanted to step out and design a bathing suit line for women with larger bosoms. And so now it seems to be coming true because she was reached something called South Moon Under

reached out to get her input on swimwear. Yeah, so her job is Frankensteining together different bathing suit pieces. It's just gonna go perfectly with her line. So then Gabby's like, well, I like the bottoms more than the tops. I'm like, both me and you, me and you both girl. And Amanda's like, well, I like the bottoms more than the tops. I'm like, both, me and you, me and you both, girl. And Amanda's like, yeah, so like,

I can change like anything about swimsuits, but like they just give me samples. And then I'm like, put this one with that one. It's like really hard. Hi, oh. So Gabby is saying, she's like, you know, as much as I have like opinions and feelings about Carl, I'm really glad, because now they're watching Carl,

by the way, in the backyard, as he's really smiling and so happy about this pirate ship. And Gabby's saying that she's just happy, even though she's Team Lindsay, she's happy that Carl seems to have, I don't know, a spark of life behind his eyes for the first time in two years. So, she's like, it's like watching a eyes for the first time in like two years. So he's like, you know, she's like,

it's like watching a baby take a first few steps. Well, when you're just allowed to just go in there and stupidly spend money on a huge budget that makes no sense, and there's nobody there to tell you that's a stupid idea, you're gonna be happy. Well, stop talking about his business. Let's talk about the pirate ship.

That's what I mean. Oh. Oh. Like who hires a pirate, like an actual pirate ship for a pirate party. You know what I mean? Like put the shark fins on the ground and call it a day. He's like, I'm going to spend a hundred thousand dollars

on this party. We're going to have a pirate ship. Oh, we're going to have fireworks and a security and a girl named Lil. I'm going to ask her to do the wave and she's going to look like one of those things in front of the car wash. It's just got air thrown up like.

So over at the gym, people are working out and Jesse's like, hey, Emeril, it was kind of like shocking to see that you didn't get laid for the first time last night. And he was like, I know I'm a disappointment to myself. I'm going to go crawl into a cave. You won't see me for a while. I'm a total failure. Yeah, they're going to send me back to the miners.

And Kyle's like, hey, Emerl, could you help wingman Carl? Teach Lil what a swing is? And they're like, yeah, bro. We're bringing like 20. And Emerl says, yeah, bro. I'm bringing 20 girls to this party. So Wow, like, wow. So, you know, by the way, like, let's go. Let's do it for Carl. Let's move for Carl. Because these days I'm clear headed like one track only on Lexi. And Kyle's like, oh, did Lexi say anything like, hey, be good. And Jesse's like, um, yeah, I think specifically what she said was, don't you dare fucking look at another woman.

Otherwise I am going to fly right down there and stab you in the eyeball with a chopstick, which is so cute. She's so cute when she talks like that. So yeah, now they're talking about Jessie and her and like, if they're official or not. And he's like, well, we haven't had like the official conversation.

Like we're moving slow. Like we haven't had like the official conversation. Like we're moving slow. Like we haven't had sex yet, you know, because like she just wants to have sex with people that she's exclusive with. And I actually liked that we got this info because that was kind of my question. Like you don't have to boo up immediately, just don't have sex with her.

Why is that such a problem? So I guess that's what they're doing. So there you go. Yeah, exactly. A little masturbation never hurt nobody. Come on. Well, Kyle's like, I feel like there's gonna be a lot of girls at this party. And this could be like your last chance of serving the scene before an exclusivity call clauses in the mix. You know, like really like open the kimono, you know what I'm saying?

So Jesse, that worked really well for you. Great advice to be passing on. But Kyle, Jesse's like, oh yeah, wow, don't even put that shit in my head. So meanwhile, Paige walks outside and she's like, oh my God, this looks so good. Of course I'm talking about my ensemble. Everything else looks like shit around here. Craig's gonna love this pirate ship

because he's immature too. And Craig's like, oh my God, it's a pirate ship. That's fucking cool. So the guys come back and Carl's like, okay guys, welcome back's a pirate ship. That's fucking cool. So the guys come back and Carl's like, okay guys, welcome back boys, welcome back. We are the boys. So we're gonna need all hands on deck to set up this party. And so the guys just walk away and jump in the pool.

Yeah, I'm gonna pun guys, all hands on deck. Get it? Well, we're gonna be like making ocean with this like blue tarp and like in the middle, we're gonna be building like a little island, but like people are going to come to me by the way, what does this vision that he has, what it really turns into is that there's a giant blue tarp with a pile of dirt in the middle of it. Great.

What a fun time at a party hanging out on a truck with some dirt. You know, when they start start piling that dirt, I was like, I need to be an Airbnb be Airbnb person that rents my house for this show because I would just be sitting here with a notebook, like and ding, and ding. You'd just be Paige. And ding. Paige BND. Oh, dirt in the backyard on a tarp, okay.

Ding, ding, ding. And ding. So West dives in the pool, like Noah's helping them, right? And Carl's like, well, I'm not gonna ask Craig for help. Whoa, probably still your idea. He'll probably come out with a pirate company. Yeah. So then, so Sierra's floating in the pool

and Jesse is like trying to get on her raft. And she's like, ugh, I knew you wouldn't be helping. Don't flip me over. And he's like, wow, this is kind of like turning me on a little bit. She's like, what? You're nuts. She's like, wow, this is kind of like turning me on a little bit. She's like, what? You're nuts. She's like, yeah, sorry.

Sorry you're a 10. Oh. She's like, yeah, we definitely flirt, but like, I mean, I'm not into him, but like 90% he'd probably take the chance if he got it. So. Of course he would. Well, first of all, she is drop dead gorge.

And second of all, it's Jesse Jesse and part of me thinks that he is Well first of all if he's like so Gaga over Lexi, but the moment. She's not there He's being super flirty and handsy with Sierra which honestly you can paint Lexi to be jealous But like if someone is selling you this love story and being like meeting your family and then then the moment you turn around They're being handsy with someone else, I think she has a right to be a little annoyed by that. And I almost feel like I'm doing it on purpose to get a rise out of her.

Yeah, some of it like the commenting on girls' Instagrams and stuff like that, I think okay, you're being a little over dramatic about caring about that. But then he seems to be just kind of trying to go even harder to piss her off. Yeah. Even though she's not there to see it.

I think he's playing games with her a little bit. He knows that this is gonna get back to her. He does know this. And he knows it's being filmed. So I don't know, I don't trust. This moment here when he was sort of on top of Sierra, I was like, hmm. This is not-

He's setting up future fights so he'll have it out. Absolutely. They can blame her. Be like, she's just so jealous, bro. That's just crazy. I can't deal with this. It's too much for me right now. Yeah.

So then they're, you know, they're, Sierra now has a bell and she's like ringing it for Carl. And they're like, yeah, can we get a jingle for Carl? He's doing a great job. She's like, yeah, jingle, jingle. And then Jesse's like, yeah, and can we get a jingle for Carl's wiener getting some action? And she's like, yeah, can we get a jingle for Carl? He's doing a great job. She's like, yeah, jingle, jingle. And then Jesse's like, yeah, and can we get a jingle for Carl's wiener getting some action? And she's like, his wiener.

She just drops the bell. He's like, oh my God, is that a good sign? Oh my God, my wiener just fell a little short now. It's not a pirate, it's a ship that gives things back now. Oh, it's a hard bar, it's a hard bar. Programming coming undone. So now they're getting all dressed up and into parrot gear and Jesse FaceTime's Lexi and he's like, hey, what's up mama?

You like our fitzies? Yeah, my hat makes me feel like I'm like a doofus. She's like, oh my God, I think you look so good. Huh? So he's like, yeah, you know, as much as I'm enjoying boys' weekend, I'm still thinking about Lexi. You know, I miss her. You know, I want to talk to her.

I don't want anything to jeopardize this. Like I'm not going to try and get numbers, you know, at a party. I'm not doing anything suspicious. Could you get your hand off my boob? Sorry. Sorry. Sierra, meanwhile, I like that Sierra's always

like for these parties, she's like, you know, I'm a model and I don't need a whole bunch of pervy guys from Long Island trying to come onto me, so this time I'm gonna dress like a giant bird. She is, I like that too. I like that every single time she's like, I'm gonna make myself as unfuckable as possible for this party because half these people

are from Staten Island. She was like, no, cause she did that last year, I think during the alien thing, right? During the alien, she dressed like a big old alien. So now a bunch of people go into the kitchen and Wes is like, are you Fred Frinstones wife? And Gabby's like, I'm Halle Berry from Die Another Day, which doesn't really make sense with the pirate theme.

It's just, I wanted a dress like her. She's like, yeah, she's shipwrecked. And so then she got stolen by pirates. So whatever, I have this wig and it looks really cute on me, so fuck off. She's like, I'm not gonna dress like a pirate, okay? Here's your tenuous link to the theme, I will give it to you, and you have to accept it.

So Amanda and Paige start talking about Craig and Kyle's stupid beef, and Paige is like, oh my God, no, like they're so emotional. I'm just annoyed with Craig, you know? Like we went to dinner and he fed me kangaroo, not even kidding you, and then he said, I'm gonna be busy this fall, but he wants to make sure our relationship is a priority.

Fucking disgusting. What a pig. I mean, it's like, what? Yeah. I was like, what the fuck does that even mean? Like, I'm going to go, I'm like going on like a 35 city tour, not to Charleston, thank you very much. And I'm so nervous for it, like anxious.

And now I have to feel like you're gonna like feel like you're second best when you're the one bringing me to a kangaroo place. And Amanda's like, is he not supportive? Well, that's what I said. I was like, I want you to feel like you're a priority, even though I mean, it's Greg, right? But like work will always come first for a lot of things.

And like everything I'm doing this year is like what I've wanted since I was like five years old. Yeah, she's like, this is what I want. And then she goes, oh yeah, and he said that he never thought he would be in this submissive of a relationship. And Amanda's like, yeah, that's not good. She's like, yeah, so I have this feeling

that when I'm on tour, I'm gonna fucking hate Craig. Yup. And by the fact that you don't already hate Craig is what has me a little bit worried. Fuck this guy. I think she does. She does hate Craig already. She's just starting to, she's like,

it'll be too much like a, it'll be too hard for America for me to see me just decide that I hate Craig. So let me just prepare them and I'll unleash my hatred for Craig in a few months when I'm hitting him currently right now. Meanwhile, Carl is in the kitchen and he is trying to blow into a conch shell.

So he's like, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on one second. I gotta make this good before Lil gets here. This is like really hard right now. I just have to blow softer. This is what I get for ordering a soft conk. I'm really nervous. So now the party starts and you know, the costumes are great.

Everybody's like partying and they'll come. So she's like, oh my God, you're looking so good. I'm like, what do you even, guy liner? Yeah, it works for you. Your eyes are like fucking pop. You're like, you're like a good. I'm like, what, even guy liner? Yeah, it works for you. Your eyes are like fucking pop. You're like a lemur. You've got like lemur energy. God, I love fucking lemurs.

I'm a lemur fucker. Question, do lemurs engage with mindful consumption? Cause that's pretty cool. She's like, you're like a lemur from the movie Madagascar. He's like, uh, yeah, yeah, totally, you've seen that. Oh yeah, is that a movie about me and Lindsay where you get mad and get scarred?

Huh, and then Carl is mad again scarred. So yeah, it's been happening to me for years. It's a cycle. I mean, am I rusty? Yeah, it's also my pirate name by the way. Rusty, Rusty Carl, huh, am I awkward? Yeah Yeah, it's also my pirate name by the way. Rusty, Rusty Carl. Am I awkward? Yeah, but it's just me figuring out shit

or just like adopting a persona for TV. I don't know. I'm just nervous. So Jesse comes to meet her and she's like, I'm Bell, I'm a yoga and fitness instructor and I really want Carl to come to hot yoga with me. I mean, can we set some goals in life? All right, got you.

If you ever fucked a lemur, just me. You know, I wanna do yoga, but I feel like I wanna go on a date with you first, and then I'll do hot yoga. I have a question. Can you do hot yoga when your stomach is full from pancakes on a Wednesday? Just curious.

And Justy's like, guys, guys, who's got time today? Just like, dude, tonight, hey, are you gonna stay here tonight, Lil? Invite her over, Carl. She goes, oh my God, is this your wingman? You should be a pigeon. I thought it was a lemur. Yeah, well, you're a lemur and a pigeon together.

You're a hybrid. You're a terrible hybrid that was created in a mad scientist laboratory. This is getting a little scary. I'm a little nervous about this. So then the girls are talking and they're talking about Lil. And she's like, yeah, well,

Carl went to the soccer game by himself and he sat next to this girl's parents and then they connected them. So, oh my God. And they know each other because of her parents. She's like, correct. Sarah's like, it's just so weird seeing him talk to another girl.

Is he probably like, oh, you want to blow this out? Oh. And now he's carrying a mermaid through. He's like, the mermaid's here. The mermaid's here. No budget was, no cost was spared. Sorry, I can't really speak English today.

I'm so tired about the mermaid. Sorry, I can't speak English today. I'm so tired about the mermaid. Sorry, I can't speak English anymore because I've taken on a new language known as corporate jargon. Oh, have that affidavit put into the synergy, please. Thank you very much. And Lil's like, should I be worried? Because lemurs fuck mermaids.

It's just how the world works, so. A little worried here. Are you a mermaid or a pigeon? I love that this was a parent set up. I think that's so funny. That Carl just happened to go to a game and talk to the parents. They're like, we have a daughter. You want to date her? Her name's Lil.

No one will date her. She's really into hot yoga. I said, honey, no one wants to go on a date after hot yoga. You smell. Am I right? I mean, it takes a good hour and a half for her to stop sweating. You'll like her. You're sober.

You want to do it? Do Lil. Well, at first I thought that she was a young boy rapper named Lil Ian. Turns out her name is Lilian. So a little confused there at first, but it all makes sense now. So Carl, Emeril is talking to women.

That's exciting. And then Paige and Craig are sitting on, there's like this raft in the fake ocean. They sit down on it and Paige is like, if there's anything like a bed, I'm going to find it. God, my arms hurt so much. He's like, yeah, you know what? I feel like we're gonna end up lost at sea one day.

Wouldn't that be amazing? You know why? Because you can't do podcasts. It's funny because I already befriended a volleyball just in anticipation. I froze the volleyball too, just in case. So Paige is like, um, no, I don't want to be lost at sea. Cause like, I don't do good on boats that are under 52 feet. Yachts only for me.

How are you feeling chicken? Rhetorical question. You're supposed to ask me how I'm feeling cause I'm the one with hurting arms. So do you feel like a priority? And he's like, yeah, you make me feel like a priority this weekend. She goes, good. I try. He's like, well, I didn't say you don't make me feel like a priority. I just said, I hope I stay a priority. Like, you know, like when you go on tour, like I don't want to like feel like it, like I'm forgotten, you know. I'm person with hurting arms would like to speak now. Um, you said you were, you're worried that I wasn't going to make you a priority. Uh, and he's like, yeah,

tour thing. Yeah, but I just, I don't want you to like resent me because I'm working and like have like real success. Like my career is like way different than what we met. And I just, I don't feel bad about that, Craig. Yeah, but like it makes me feel like I can't bring stuff up to you because like it's going to be an attack or like I'm not rooting for you.

Look, I'm rooting for you as single page to have a career. It's just like, I'm rooting for you as married page with babies to never have a career. Do you just like I'm rooting for you as married Paige with babies to never have a career. Do you understand? Yeah, but like when you bring up stuff, it's always like, hey, can we have a hive of killer bees in the backyard?

And I'm like, no, I don't want that. Like negative 1000%, you know? It's like, yeah, but like it makes me wanna not bring stuff up. Like I think you're gonna like attack me or like, I don't know, like that I'm not rooting for her. And like, it's really not like attack me or like, I don't know, like, like that I'm not rooting for her. And like, it's really not that it's just, I'm just asking for like some clarity on nothing in particular.

I just making sure that like after our three years, we're still good. And like, that's going to like happen with us. Cause like, you know, do we have status check-ins or like a year end review or something like, how do we do this? And it's like, yeah, I'll give you a yearly review and then I'll let you know if you're fired or not. By the way, it's coming up in September. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. at making you root for her to break up with Craig? Because I'm just ready to see her dump fucking Craig already. What a douche. Oh, I love the looks that she gives. Like, I just love how Craig was so blindsided. And what a time to freeze. What a time to freeze.

Oh, we're back. Oh yeah. I mean, I love how Craig was so blindsided when it's just like all there on screen. Like, just every look that she gives, like, uh-huh, mm-hmm. Pah. Yeah. Failure. Well, that was Pah. Yeah. Failure.

Well, that was the plan. Everyone, thanks for listening. Our Southern Charm recap will be up on Saturday at some point, after the show probably, maybe even Sunday morning, who knows. So if you're wondering where it is tomorrow, that's where it is. Thanks for your patience on that. And of course, if you're in North Carolina

in the Charlotte region, then come see us because it's fun and we're gonna have a great time on Saturday night there in Charlotte. And then in Atlanta, we have at Classic Orange County. We'll have a great time there as well. All weekend will be fantastic. Catch you on the road or just catch you here on the next episode. Bye everyone. Bye.

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